#of how dean was a wreck in that 1 year without sam

[shadystranger]

I need everyone to know for a fact dean was NOT functional in any way when he lost sam after swan song. he was a deadalive: he had nightmares everyday, sam was always on his mind “excruciatingly tearing his guts from his eyes,” he was obsessed with bringing sam back he became a lunatic about it, he was barely present and often went on a spiral, he went to lisa and ben for sam only, he daydreamed of sam looking disfigured taunting him, he drank himself unconscious all the time, he often left lisa and ben physically and mentally to focus on sam who's dead. he was an emotionally-absent trainwreck in every sense of the word

“You knew sam was alive? A whole damn year! You couldn't put me out of my misery?!”

[lila-lou]

✨All over again - 1/4✨

Summary: After a crash leaves Dean with permanent memory loss, you’re nothing but a stranger to him now. Years of love, gone in an instant. But the hardest part isn’t that he forgot you, it’s that he doesn’t want to remember.

-requested-

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Warnings: Language, Angst

Word Count: 3974

A/N: English isn’t my first language, please be lenient. 💙

The rain had stopped hours ago, but the scent of damp asphalt lingered in the air as you stood outside the hospital room, your heart pounding against your ribs. Through the small window in the door, you could see Dean sitting on the edge of the bed, a doctor speaking to him in a calm, measured voice. Sam was by his side, nodding along, his expression carefully neutral.

You barely heard the words when the doctor stepped out to speak to you. Something about head trauma, something about memory loss—something permanent. The only thing that really stuck was the look in Dean’s eyes when he had glanced at you through the open door.

Empty.

Like you were nothing more than a stranger in the hallway.

When they finally let you in, your breath hitched. The man before you was still Dean—your Dean—but he wasn’t at the same time. His green eyes studied you, but there was no flicker of recognition, no warmth, no spark of familiarity. The wedding ring on his finger might as well have belonged to someone else.

“Hey, Dean…”, you managed, stepping closer, forcing a small smile. “It’s me”.

His brows knitted together slightly. He glanced at Sam before looking back at you. “Yeah, uh… sorry. I don’t… I don’t remember you”.

The words sliced through you like a blade, but you had prepared for them. You had repeated to yourself over and over that this would be the outcome. Still, hearing it from his lips felt like the ground had disappeared beneath your feet.

“You—”. Your throat tightened. “We’re married”.

Dean blinked, then glanced down at his hand as if noticing the ring for the first time. He turned it absentmindedly, lips pressing together. “Right”, he said, but there was no emotion behind it. Just fact.

Your fingers twitched at your sides. He wasn’t asking for details. He wasn’t trying to remember. He wasn’t reaching for you.

Sam cleared his throat. “The doc says it’s permanent. The memories aren’t coming back”. His voice was gentle, but it didn’t cushion the blow.

You took a deep breath, nodding, though it felt more like a reflex than a choice. The last five years—everything you had built together—were just gone. Erased as if they had never happened.

Dean still looked wrecked from the crash. Deep cuts marred his skin, bruises darkened his jaw, and his arm was wrapped tightly in a sling. The doctors said he was lucky to be alive. You had spent days by his bedside, waiting for him to wake up, hoping against hope that when he did, he'd reach for you.

But now, standing in front of him, you realized the man you had been waiting for wasn’t there.

Tears gathered in your eyes, hot and unrelenting. Normally, Dean would notice in a heartbeat. He never let you cry without pulling you into his arms, murmuring soft reassurances, hating the sight of your pain.

But now? Now, he just looked away.

“Sorry”, you mumbled, quickly brushing your tears away. You felt pathetic, standing there crying in front of him like some broken thing. “This is just… a lot”.

Dean let out a slow breath, rubbing his temple with his good hand. “Yeah. Tell me about it”. His voice wasn’t cruel, but it was detached—like he was talking to a stranger, not his wife.

Sam shifted awkwardly beside him. “Dean, maybe we should take this slow—”.

Dean cut him off. “What do you want me to say, man?”. He gestured vaguely in your direction. “She says we’re married, but I don’t remember a damn thing. I don’t feel anything. I don’t—”. He stopped, shaking his head. “I don’t know how to do this”.

You swallowed hard, fingers curling into your palms.

Dean had been your home for years. Your anchor, your safe place. And now, standing this close to him, you had never felt more like a stranger in your own life.

“You don’t have to figure it out right now”, you said, your voice quieter than before. “I just… I just wanted you to know that I’m here. That I love you”.

Dean tensed at that, shifting uncomfortably. It wasn’t an unfamiliar phrase—you had said it to him more times than you could count—but this time, it landed on deaf ears.

“Look”, he exhaled, running a hand through his messy hair. “I get that this is hard for you, but I don’t wanna be an asshole and pretend I feel something I don’t. I don’t even know you”.

The words cracked something inside you. Not because they were cruel. But because they were honest.

Sam looked between the two of you, his lips pressing together. “Dean—”.

“I need some air”, Dean muttered, already shifting to stand. He winced, his body still weak, but determination set in his jaw. “I just need a minute”.

Without another word, he grabbed his jacket and pushed past you, his steps uneven but steady.

You turned away before Sam could say anything, before the lump in your throat could escape as a sob.

Dean was alive. But he wasn’t yours anymore.

A few days later, you stood in the kitchen, staring blankly at the sizzling eggs in the pan, exhaustion weighing heavy on your bones. You looked like shit. You felt even worse. Sleep had been scarce—every night spent tossing and turning in a bed that felt too cold, too empty.

Dean had been trying. Or at least, he had at first. He sat with you for hours, listening as you told him about your life together. How you met, how you fell in love, how he proposed on the hood of the Impala under a sky full of stars. You told him about the hunts, the late-night drives, the inside jokes only the two of you had shared.

And he listened.

But not the way he used to. Not with that boyish grin, not with teasing remarks or warm eyes filled with affection. He listened the way a stranger would, nodding along, offering the occasional “Huh”, or “That’s crazy”, like he was hearing about someone else’s life.

It wasn’t long before you realized the truth—he wasn’t really interested.

He thought you were alright. Maybe even a decent person. But not someone he would’ve chosen. Not someone he loved. And that realization had been the cruelest cut of all.

A tired sigh left your lips as you turned off the stove, plating the eggs and bacon like you always did—his portion bigger than yours, the way he liked it. Muscle memory. Habit. Even when it hurt.

You heard his footsteps before you saw him, the sound of his boots against the wooden floor making your stomach twist. “Morning”, he muttered, rubbing his eyes as he stepped into the kitchen. He still looked like hell, bruises fading into sickly yellows and purples, bandages still wrapped around his ribs.

“Morning”, you murmured back, setting his plate on the table.

Dean eyed the food, then you. “You didn’t have to do this”.

“I know”.

The silence stretched between you, thick and suffocating. The only sounds were the occasional clink of Dean’s fork against his plate and the hum of the fridge in the background.

Sam was out for his morning run, leaving just the two of you. Alone.

You stood at the counter, barely picking at your food, your stomach too twisted up to eat. Across from you, Dean dug into his breakfast with enthusiasm, his usual appreciation for good food still intact, at least.

“Damn”, he muttered between bites, shaking his head slightly. “This is really good”.

The corner of your mouth twitched—almost a smile, almost. He had always loved your cooking, always made a big deal about it, whether it was a homemade meal or just a damn sandwich.

“I know”, you said softly.

Dean glanced up at you briefly, then back down at his plate. He didn’t respond, just kept eating, oblivious to the way your heart clenched at the way things used to be.

You swallowed thickly and set your fork down, unable to force another bite. The past few days had drained you more than any hunt ever had. It wasn’t just the exhaustion of filling him in on five years of life together—it was the way he absorbed it all like it was just a story. A story that had nothing to do with him.

And that was the difference.

He remembered Sam. Bobby. Hunting. The basics of his life. But you? You were just another detail. Another thing he was trying to make sense of, but not something he felt compelled to hold onto.

You tightened your grip on the counter, willing yourself not to cry. Not again.

Dean finally pushed his empty plate away, letting out a satisfied sigh. “Damn. I don’t know how I forgot someone who cooks like that”.

It was meant as a joke, but it wasn’t funny. He seemed to realize it too, because his smirk faltered slightly.

Your throat felt tight. “Yeah, well… you used to say that all the time”.

Dean exhaled, leaning back in his chair, running a hand over his face. “Look, I know this is hard. And I hate that I’m making it harder”.

Your breath hitched, but you forced yourself to meet his gaze. “You’re not making it harder, Dean. You’re just… being honest”.

And that was the worst part. Dean Winchester wasn’t cruel. He wasn’t trying to hurt you. He just didn’t love you anymore. And there was nothing you could do to change that.

The seconds stretched out before he finally nodded, looking down at his hands. “Yeah”, he muttered, voice rough. “I guess I am”.

You turned away before he could see the fresh tears brimming in your eyes. This was your new reality. A life with Dean… but not really.

The coffee in your mug had gone cold, but you kept holding it anyway, fingers curled around the ceramic like it was something to hold on to—something solid, something real. You stood at the counter, staring down at the dark liquid, listening to the faint creak of Dean shifting in his chair.

He had finished eating, but he hadn’t left. That was something, wasn’t it? Or maybe he just didn’t know what to say.

The silence stretched between you, heavier than it had been before. You could feel him watching you, like he was trying to piece something together in his mind. You weren’t sure you could handle that look—not from him.

“You gonna eat?”, he asked finally, nodding toward your half-empty plate.

Your fingers tightened slightly around your mug. “Not really hungry”.

Dean made a low noise in the back of his throat, something between acknowledgment and uncertainty. He sat back in his chair, rubbing a hand over his face. “You know”, he started, his voice careful, like he wasn’t sure how to say what he wanted to say. “I don’t remember us, but I can tell this is tearing you up”.

Your stomach twisted painfully. You forced a breath in through your nose. “Wouldn’t it tear you up?”.

Dean hesitated, then shrugged slightly. “Yeah. Probably”.

Probably.

That single word cut deep. Because it meant that even hypothetically, he couldn’t put himself in your shoes—not really. Not in the way that mattered.

You swallowed, staring down at your untouched food.

“I just…”, Dean exhaled slowly. “I wish I could fix this. I do. But I can’t force something that isn’t there”.

Your throat burned. “You don’t even want to try?”.

He tensed at that. Not in anger, just in discomfort. “I have been trying”, he said, but his voice was too calm, too rational. “But what am I supposed to do? Pretend? Lie to you?”.

You bit the inside of your cheek, hating how easily your emotions threatened to spill over. “No”, you whispered. “I don’t want you to lie”.

Dean sighed, dragging a hand through his messy hair. “Then what do you want me to do?”.

You lifted your gaze to his, voice shaking. “I want you to want me”.

The second the words left your lips, the room felt colder.

Dean exhaled slowly, rubbing his thumb along the edge of the table. His eyes flickered to yours for a brief second before he looked away, like he couldn’t bear to meet your gaze when he said what he was about to say.

“You’re a pretty girl, (Y/N)”, he murmured, voice quieter than before. “Smart. Kind. I can tell you’re a good person”.

The words landed in your chest like a dull blade, one that twisted just enough to sting. You didn’t want to be a good person to him. You didn’t want to be nice or smart or anything that sounded so distant. You wanted to be his.

Dean swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “But I can’t change what happened. I don’t know you—not in the way you want me to. And I don’t think that’s gonna change”.

The air in the kitchen felt suffocating.

“You think I should just accept it”, you said, barely above a whisper.

His jaw tightened, a flicker of guilt crossing his face. “I think you should move on”.

The finality of his words knocked the breath from your lungs.

Move on.

As if it were that simple. As if five years of love, of laughter, of promises whispered in the dark, could just be erased—just like his memories of you.

Dean shifted in his chair, hesitating for just a moment. Then, before you could fully process what was happening, he lifted his left hand. And slowly, carefully, he pulled off his wedding ring.

Your entire body went still.

The metal caught the dim morning light as it slipped from his finger, leaving his skin bare—like it had never been there at all. He held the ring between his fingers for a second, staring at it, brow furrowed like he was trying to feel something.

But whatever he was looking for—whatever hope you were clinging to—never came.

Dean set the ring down on the table, the soft clink of metal against wood echoing in your ears like a gunshot. “I’m sorry”, he murmured, voice heavy with something close to regret. But not close enough.

You couldn’t speak. You couldn’t move. You could only stare at the ring—the symbol of everything you had built together—sitting between you like it was just another piece of silver.

Dean Winchester, the man who once swore he would love you forever, had just walked away from you in the worst way possible.

Not with anger. Not with betrayal. But with nothing at all.

The sound of Dean’s footsteps faded down the hall, and then—nothing. Just silence.

You stared at the ring on the table, your vision blurring. The tears that had been threatening to spill finally broke free, slipping down your cheeks, hot and unrelenting. Your chest ached, a deep, crushing weight pressing against your ribs.

He was gone.

Maybe he was still in the bunker, but that didn’t matter. The man who had once held your heart like it was the most precious thing in the world—the man who had vowed to love you through every battle, every nightmare—was gone.

And he wasn’t coming back.

Your breath hitched, and you quickly wiped your face, willing yourself to pull it together. But before you could even think about composing yourself, footsteps echoed from the hallway.

Sam.

You barely had time to turn away before he entered the kitchen, sweaty from his run, reaching for a bottle of water from the fridge. But he froze the second he saw you. “(Y/N)?”. His voice was careful, laced with concern.

You didn’t respond. You couldn’t.

Sam took a step closer, frowning. “Hey, what happened?”.

The kindness in his voice—the softness, the understanding—nearly broke you all over again. You shook your head quickly, blinking away the tears, your only goal now to escape before you completely shattered in front of him. “I—I need to be alone”, you choked out, already moving toward the hallway.

Sam didn’t try to stop you, but you could feel his eyes on you as you walked away, past the war room, past Dean’s room—the room that had once been yours, too—until you reached the guest room.

No. Not the guest room. Your room.

Because that’s what it was now. Just yours. No more shared space. No more whispered conversations in the dark. No more waking up to Dean pulling you close, pressing a sleepy kiss to your shoulder. None of that existed anymore.

You pushed the door shut behind you and leaned against it, your fingers gripping the wood like it was the only thing holding you up. Your breath came in sharp, uneven gasps as the sobs finally took over.

Sam sighed, running a hand through his damp hair as he watched you disappear down the hall. He didn’t need to ask what had happened—he already knew. He had seen the way things had been unraveling between you and Dean over the past few days, had watched the slow, painful realization sink into your face every time Dean failed to look at you the way he used to.

With a heavy exhale, Sam turned on his heel and made his way toward the library.

Dean was exactly where he expected him to be—sitting at the long wooden table, eyes glued to his phone, scrolling through the news for any sign of a new case. Business as usual. Like nothing had happened.

Sam’s jaw clenched as he pulled out a chair and sat down across from him. Dean barely looked up, only acknowledging his presence with a slight nod. “So, we got anything?”, Dean asked, not bothering with pleasantries.

Sam didn’t answer right away. Instead, he studied his brother—the way his shoulders were still a little tense, the way he kept rubbing the spot on his finger where his wedding ring used to be.

“You just gonna act like that didn’t happen?”, Sam finally said, voice tight.

Dean sighed, setting his phone down with a dull thunk against the table. He leaned back in his chair, rubbing a hand over his face. “Sam, I don’t wanna do this right now”.

“Well, too bad”, Sam shot back, leaning forward. “Because I just walked into the kitchen and found (Y/N) crying her damn eyes out”.

Dean’s jaw tightened, but he didn’t say anything.

“What the hell, man?”, Sam pressed. “She’s your wife”.

Dean exhaled through his nose, eyes flickering with something Sam couldn’t quite place—guilt, maybe. Or frustration. “No, she was my wife”, he muttered. “I don’t remember her, Sam. I don’t feel it. And I’m not gonna sit here and fucking pretend I do”.

Sam shook his head, a bitter laugh escaping him. “Right. Because pretending would just be too hard for you, huh?”.

Dean shot him a glare. “That’s not fair”.

“Neither is what you just did to her”, Sam snapped. “She’s been fighting like hell for you, man. Sitting with you for hours, telling you every detail about your life together, hoping—praying—that something might click. And you’re telling me you never once thought about trying to love her again?”.

Dean’s expression hardened. “I did try”, he bit out. “I listened, I asked questions, I gave it time. But nothing changed, Sam. Nothing. I can’t force myself to love someone I don’t remember”.

Sam’s fingers curled into fists on the table. “You loved her once”.

“Yeah, well, that guy’s gone”.

The words came out too fast, too sharp, and for a moment, Sam thought maybe Dean regretted saying them. His brother’s face twitched slightly, like he had surprised even himself. But he didn’t take them back.

Instead, he stood abruptly, grabbing his phone and shoving it into his pocket. “I’m gonna go check Baby”, he muttered. “Let me know if you find anything”. And with that, he walked out, leaving Sam alone at the table, the weight of the moment settling between them like a ghost.

Sam exhaled, running his fingers over the cool metal of Dean’s wedding ring, the weight of it pressing against his palm. He had found it on the kitchen table, left behind like it meant nothing—like it wasn’t the symbol of the life Dean had built with you. The life he had fought for.

Sam shook his head, staring down at the small band of silver.

It was almost unbelievable.

Because if anyone had told him years ago that Dean would forget you—not just in memory, but in feeling—he never would’ve believed it.

Dean had chased you. For months.

Sam could still remember it so clearly—Dean, cocky and confident, flirting with you every chance he got. It had started as a challenge, something he thought would be easy. Just another pretty girl, another bar, another night.

But you weren’t interested. And that had driven Dean insane.

You had wanted nothing to do with him at first. You weren’t a hunter back then—just someone who had gotten too close to something supernatural without even knowing it. And Dean? He had swooped in, saved the day, and fully expected you to fall for the charm like every other girl did. But you didn’t.

You called him reckless, arrogant, insufferable. And Dean? Dean loved it.

He kept coming back, kept teasing, kept pushing, determined to break through that wall you had built. And, damn, did he try.

It had taken him months to get you to go out with him. Months of stolen moments, of late-night conversations, of him proving—over and over again—that he wanted you, not just for a night, but for real.

And when you finally said yes? Dean Winchester fell. Hard.

It wasn’t just about the chase anymore. The moment he had you, he knew. You were it. You were everything.

And you had changed your entire life for him. You left everything behind—your job, your friends, your family—to be with him. To learn how to hunt, to live this life, to fight by his side.

Not because he asked you to. Because you loved him. Because he loved you.

Sam squeezed the ring in his fist, his jaw tightening. Dean might not remember, but he did. He remembered the way Dean used to look at you. The way he always pulled you close in crowded rooms, like he couldn’t stand to be too far away. The way he used to talk about you when you weren’t around, like you had hung the damn moon.

Dean Winchester had been head over heels from the moment he met you. And now, that same man had just let you walk away without a fight.

Sam let out another slow breath, shaking his head.

Dean might think this was over. But Sam knew better. Because no matter what his brother said—no matter what he thought—there was no way in hell that kind of love just disappeared.

———————————

A/N: Please let me know what you think.🥰 

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Part 2

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[scoobydoodean]

As monumental as the confession scene was, it kinda leaves a bad taste in my mouth that Cas only confessed because he was going to sacrifice himself. Like, Dean's worthy of being saved, but he's not worthy of being loved in a way that's not going to wreck him long term?

Well, I think we can safely say Cas did not mean it this way and would be horrified if confronted by this angle, but that it would be well within Dean's perspective (built on his own experience) to think of it that way and become even more convinced that loving him is a death sentence and that everyone will always leave him. Multiple people have proved they're willing to die for Dean Winchester and there's nothing special about it (from his perspective). He wants some to live for him instead.

Cas doesn't really know how fiercely Dean mourns him when he's gone, and while I think he's cognizant of Dean's insecurities to some extent, I'm not sure he realizes exactly how deep they go. Even if Cas was told like "Well when you were dead, Dean spent months drinking himself into the ground" or "When you and Mary and Crowley were dead, Dean had a suicide kit and he used it and when you came back he said it was his 'big win'". I sometimes think Cas would have trouble processing that he'd have anything to do with Dean's bouts of depression because of his own hang ups.

See: Cas hearing Dean pray to Cas every night for a year, searching for him through Purgatory, and Cas never getting it through his head that whole time that Dean wasn't going to leave without him and wasn't interested in his self-flagellating isolation play to "protect" Dean (which—if we're being real—wasn't just about protecting Dean).

See: Cas hearing Dean stress throughout season 12 that he worries about Cas when he goes radio silent on them and that he wants them to communicate with each other and work as a team, and Cas going "okay" then stealing The Colt so he can go radio silent on them and get a win all by himself and decidedly not as a team because Cas does not want that.

Like. There is clearly a HUGE disconnect between them when it comes to how to communicate as a team and what it means to protect the people you love. More than that—their own psychological needs and desires for themselves as individuals seem to vary quite substantially (and they clash and create more miscommunication). They both crave safety and stability, but to Cas, safety and stability means knowing "I got a win, I did a good job, and now when I go home I feel respected and needed" and to Dean, "a win" means his family is safe. To Dean, safety and stability means, "We are all together in our home, and we tell each other where we're going when we leave. We handle things as a team and communicate with each other instead of going behind each others backs."

Cas really slots himself into the protector role and I think to an extent, Dean is willing to concede that role to him. See: Rocky's bar, where Dean imagines himself as retired and working as a barkeep. He's still perfectly capable of defending himself, but he doesn't go out looking for hunts. Sam and Cas are still hunting, but Dean feels psychologically safe about it because he knows where they are, and they always come home to his bar to see him and to be fed. In real life, Cas slots himself pretty aggressively into the protector role, but he doesn't communicate and doesn't always value teamwork. He doesn't realize while trying to "protect" their family that his aggressive tendency to isolate from them to "protect" them is 1) reminiscent of Dean's father and 2) distressing to Dean because Dean doesn't know (as a person who has lost many people he cares about including Cas multiple times) where Cas is or that he is safe or if he needs their help. Cas also doesn't see his tendency to lone wolf as abandonment and doesn't see any self-centeredness in it, but Dean does (and I don't think Dean is totally off—just like I don't think Cas was avoiding Dean in Purgatory just to keep Dean safe and for no other reason).

Anyway. All of this to say. I have said in the past that it is very possible that Cas would avoid Dean if he came back after The Empty took him. But say Cas did openly and with abandon continue to acknowledge that he loves Dean. I think if Dean withdrew from him, it would be so much fun if it was less out of timidness and fear and more out of anger. Dean knows what Cas is trying to say, but Dean doesn't feel understood, and he doesn't feel loved even if Cas loves him, and I could totally see a reality where Dean tries to give Cas a taste of his own medicine by making Cas chase him all over the country about it in a game of cat and mouse. Obviously, Cas is growing increasingly impatient and angry about this as he pursues his charge and intense sexual tension is building the whole time so when Cas finally catches up to Dean they aggressively fuck each other about it.

[sammygender]

thoughts on how the sam & dean part of the fight before sam left for stanford went !

i am addicted to thinking about precanon so thank you for this <33

i think people r generally way too optimistic about how that initial seperation between them went. dean is awful to sam about stanford even years after he left and years after he came back!! hes still very visibly angry about it in s5 which is NINE YEARS after he left in the first place and refuses to even tolerate the idea it was a good moment for sam. i cannot comprehend how people think 22 year old dean had the emotional maturity to even let sam go without a fight, nevermind be supportive about it.

like. theres this amazinggg art on here of sam hitchhiking to stanford and all the comments are like 'erm that black eye would be from JOHN actually!' (side note but it is so funny to me how spn fans decide john hit them based on implication (which i agree w... to an extent...) but dean hitting sam onscreen multiple times somehow translates to 'DEAN WOULD NEVER DO THAT'. erm. okay.) 'nooo dean would've given sam a lift!'

and like. what show are you watching. if dean would've given sam a lift he would've done it to the bus station in moody silence and then locked the doors of the impala so sam couldn't get out to catch his bus to stanford and they would've started physically fighting for the car keys and dean eventually wouldve let sam get them and sam wouldve left. or something. but it would not be some sweet brotherly moment bc that directly contradicts canon <3

i do think the worst of the fight is between sam & john - that's always what's implied in canon - and in my head dean's just standing there stonefaced maybe refusing to even talk to sam until theyre left alone somehow and he breaks. but i also think dean hits sam at some point, will always have the image in my head of sam showing up to stanford w a bloody nose and fending off questions. (internally hes like no my dad didnt do this it was my brother so its fine. <3.) theres a scene like this in one of my fics so im just drawing from that. but. like....

idk how dean/john finds out. if dean found out before john, i think dean probably wouldve run to him about it in an attempt to get sam Not To Go as much as it would be nice if he didnt, so i reckon they have to find out at about the same time. i think sam is unsure what to expect from dean, who of course (as far as we see both in flashbacks and in canon) alternates between genuine care and support and angry, desperate possessiveness. he probably hopes for the best and expects the worst and gets the worst.

there r definitely lots of different ways it could go....maybe sam tells dean and dean tells john. maybe sam tells john without telling dean at all and thats how dean finds out which totally wrecks him. maybe sam tells them both at the same time. maybe sam never tells them and they find the acceptance letter. this is why stanford fight is sooo fascinating. i feel like i could write five different versions of it and all would be possible/interesting.

but whichever way, i just dont see dean as contradicting john. he generally Doesnt Ever precanon, this is established, he admits it himself, thats why its such a huge moment when he defends sam at the end of s1.....sam going on about dean 'protecting him' is 1. more subtle and probably to do with dean being the one to shoulder most of johns emotional baggage than the heller misinterpretation of 'john hit dean but not sam and thats what this means!!!' (tho i am sure dean did genuinely Protect sam sometimes including from physical violence. of course he did. this isnt to discredit that..i just emphasise the Sometimes.). and 2. partially just classic Sam Rewriting History (u always protected me from dad, from lucifer....girl he did those things very little certainly not always. know your worth sam winchester).

so if dean gives sam a very angry lift (to a nearby bus station...there is absolutely zero fucking way hes driving him to stanford and tbh i already find this quite unlikely but possibilities r interesting) its on john's say-so or at least not disapproval. which like. sure maybe. john certainly is concerned about sam's safety even after he kicks him out, checking up on him at stanford etc, id believe that hed want to ensure sam Gets there even if the fight ended up so bad he told sam he couldnt come back. tho hes stubborn and i dont think hed say it. so maybe itd be a case of dean kind of picking up that that's what john wants and complying even though right now half of him wants to never see sam again and the other half wants to tie him to the radiator so he can never leave. sorry i am literally brainstorming fic ideas in this ask answer now.

anyway....SORRY id say long ass answer as always but this is actually INSANELY long......sorry guys im about to embark upon getting tested for adhd and maybe then my rambles will be, while not shorter in length, more cohesive? tldr fandom is wrong dean is an absolute ASS during stanford fight. obviously sam leaving devastates him and how does dean cope with devastation or perceived abandonment do we think?? hm?? he is just as angry as john for the same and different reasons. and thats really so much more interesting than him being Secretly Supportive. <3

[angels-silhouette]

Ten Years Gone {d.w.}

1. Strangers in a Bar

Hi everyone!! This is my first Dean Winchester fic! Please let me know what you think of it, happy reading!

Summary: Dean hasn't been out of Purgatory for long and finds himself in a small town on the coast of Maine. He runs into a mysterious woman and she makes him question his retirement? Will Dean actually step away from the job? And what is this woman hiding from him? Warnings: slight aggression. +18 MDNI (even though there’s nothing R rated in this)

It’s late on a Tuesday night, the jukebox is humming in the corner of the bar playing slow country music. The air smells of liquor that’s dried on most surfaces of this place, a smell that’ll cling to your clothes until you wash them. It was the kind of late where only the restless or wrecked hung around, and tonight, Dean Winchester felt like both.

He sat at a table nursing a whiskey, tracing the edge of the glass with his middle finger. The bar was mostly empty, but Dean always made it a point to observe even when it’s not needed; the bartender wiping down the counter, two guys at a table loudly arguing about whether the Bruins are going to the playoffs or not, and a woman a few seats away from Dean, scribbling away in a notebook. He can’t tell if she comes here often or if she’s in the same boat he’s in, restless. Making sure to keep a watchful eye on her, especially since she’s the only woman in the building.

Dean shifted in his seat, trying not to think about the fact that he’s on the road by himself, again. It wasn’t the first time his brother needed a break from this life, and it wouldn’t be the last. They’ve been hunting nonstop for eight years, and after everything Sam has been through with the demons and Lucifer, the Leviathan’s and not knowing if Dean was dead or not for a year—he was bound to crack. The two of them fought over the fact that Sam didn’t hunt for a year, that Kevin was abducted and nothing was done about it. Sam was adamant about stepping away for a while, so he’s with his girl, while Dean is on the lookout for The Prophet. 

For some reason this time feels different. Dean’s gotten older, he’s not young and stupid anymore, and he sure as hell has been through the wringer more than he’d like to be. He has a hard time lying to himself that he’s fine on his own. He needs Sam. The feeling of crippling anxiety that won’t cease is new, and it’s a feeling that’s not easily quieted by liquor. His hand shakes while he downs the remainder of his whiskey. The job is his life but is his life worth the job? It’s a hard decision to make, almost impossible.

He was so lost in his thoughts he almost didn’t notice that the woman had gotten up and started walking towards the bar. She distanced herself as far away from the other two men as she could then ordered, “A margarita with a salt rim and a double whiskey, please.” It didn’t take long for them to notice that she’d gone up there. Dean didn’t like the looks of them, they had a mischievous gleam in their eyes when looking at her. One of the Bruins fans stood up and advanced towards the bar.

“Hey there, pretty lady,” the man slurred, propping himself up against the counter. “What do ya say I buy your drinks for ya, sweetheart?”

Dean sighed, his grip tightening around his glass. He knows how these movies end, and they don’t end well. 

The woman didn’t so much as flinch, without turning to look at him, she said, “I can take care of it myself, thanks.”

Her voice was cold and sharp, the kind of tone that could cut through steel, but the drunkard didn’t take the hint. He leaned in closer. She could smell the alcohol on his breath, see his eyes narrow in determination, and sense his bad intentions. 

“Aw, come on honey. Let me treat ya, then maybe we can head back to my place, if you know what I’m sayin’?”

“I said no. Walk. Away.” Her gaze finally snapping to him, one so chilling that it could turn a man to stone if she tried hard enough. 

Dean was not expecting her to be as harsh and as direct with the guy, he admired that. He knew that a guy like this wouldn’t take no for an answer, so he pushed out of his chair loudly and started to make his way towards them.

As she was turning to leave the counter, the guy grabs her by her bicep and pulls her into him, “You’re a good for nothing bitch, is what you are–”

Dean walks faster, boots thudding against the worn out floorboards. “Hey!” he barked. His voice low and dangerous as he got right in the drunk’s face. “When a lady says no, you listen. Now, let her go before this gets ugly.”

The man sneered then released her, muttering curses under his breath as he stumbled back to his friend. Dean turns to the bartender, his expression sharp. “And you–what kind of place are you running where this shit flies? Do better.”

He turns around to meet the woman, “You okay?”

She nods, her hardened features softening just a fraction at his kindness. “Thanks. I appreciate it.”

“It’s not a problem, Miss..?”

“Novena.” She smiles up at Dean and reaches her hand out to shake his. 

“I’m Dean.” He gave her a warm smile back and took her hand in his. Her handshake was firm, he’s even more impressed.

“I was actually getting you a drink, believe it or not.” Her voice was rid of any trace of bitterness that had been there before, “I saw you sitting by yourself and you looked upset. Thought I’d bring you another round.”

“Thank you, I definitely need it.” Dean takes the glass from her, his fingers brushing against hers. Novena tenses up and her gaze immediately meets his, but within a second her state of shock is gone. Dean notices but doesn’t think too much of it. He doesn’t mean to be cocky, but a lot of girls in the past have frozen up around him before. Usually from being a flirt but he’s made no effort tonight—maybe he still has the juice after all.

Novena gives him another smile, then makes her way back towards her seat. This was the first act of kindness anyone has shown him since he got back from purgatory, and it was refreshing. A total stranger noticed that he wasn’t doing alright. He had been standing in the same spot, staring into space long enough for the bartender to give him the look of, “dude, you good?” He wasn’t good, but maybe he could distract himself from his anxiety for a little while, she was mysterious and that intrigued Dean. 

Making his way over to her slowly, he notices that she had been making a sketch of someone. “Mind if I sit with you?” She closes her book when she hears his voice, as if not to be caught with her doodle. “I know it’s late and I, I don’t wanna seem like that scumbag over there—“

“Sit. I can tell a tortured soul when I see one,” she gestures with her hand for him to take the chair opposite from her. Novena emphasizes, “Please.”

Also not what he was expecting, but her voice was calm. Demanding but gentle. He does as he’s told.

“Yes ma’am.” They stare at each other, scanning each other's features in a way that is more intimate than it should be. Dean finally speaks up, “So, if you’re a tortured soul like me, what’re you doing out so late on a Tuesday?”

Novena sighs and takes a sip of her drink, “There’s a lot going on but to keep it sweet and simple, my dad recently passed, my boyfriend, well…ex now, destroyed my car when I ended things,” with sad eyes, she looks down at her fingers, fiddling with one of the rings she has on. She clears her throat before asking, “What about you, Mr-New-In-Town? What brings you into The Salty Dog?”

Dean lets out a small chuckle at her enthusiasm when saying the name of the bar, but says seriously, “I’m sorry to hear about your dad, I am. It’s not easy losing a parent,” He takes a swig of his whiskey, thinking of Bobby especially. “I uh, lost my father figure not too long ago as well.”

“Oh god, I’m so sorry.” Novena’s brows furrow and she places her hand over Dean’s so naturally, gently rubbing her thumb over the top of his knuckles. 

He’s taken aback by this, he almost jumps at her touch. His eyes dart to hers and he’s met with empathy and compassion; there’s a lump in his throat that’s unbelievably painful with the grief that’s been hidden away. Not one soul has been able to break through Dean’s wall as easily as the woman before him. His eyes are jumping from their hands to the table, scoping out the rest of the bar to see if anyone is paying attention, which no one was, then back up to Novena. Tears were threatening to escape the corners of his eyes and once he saw that her mascara had run down her face, was when Dean let go. She removed her hand from his, leaned over the small table, cupped his face and wiped away the dampness on his skin. 

It almost felt like Novena was taking away his pain with her touch, and it looked like it too. The eye contact hadn’t broke since he looked up at her. Dean was a mess and he couldn’t decipher if what he was seeing was a figment of his imagination or not—but it seemed like his struggle was held within her eyes? There was this humming noise that was coming from somewhere, the jukebox or the overhead lights maybe, that was soothing. Ultimately easing Dean to breathe slower and to quiet his racing thoughts. 

“I, I don’t know what that was.” Dean whispers, “I’m sorry, that’s embarrassing. This never happens to me…” he gestures at himself.

Novena pulled away from him concerningly, “Showing human emotion never happens to you?” 

“Wow—that’s not what I was expecting you to say. But, yeah. I usually don’t allow myself to show people how I’m feeling. To be frank, I don’t know why I’m telling you this. Long day I suppose.”

She didn’t know how to respond to him. He’s different from other men she’s met, that’s a given. Dean almost immediately crumbled under her touch. It felt like he was begging to let someone in, wanting to be understood. If they hadn’t mentioned that they’ve both lost someone dear to them, then Dean probably wouldn’t have been easy to get a reading from. Novena liked that he related so much to her, that Dean felt so deeply that his emotions had transferred through their touch.

He was trying to brush off what had just happened. Novena could see it in his eyes, that he was questioning the intense moment they shared. Dean covered his face with both of his hands and sighed. This was the perfect moment to change subjects.

“I better get going, it’s getting late–I have to be up early for work. But I’ll see you around?”

—

A/N: Any and all feedback is appreciated! Feel free to send me asks or dm’s :)) I'm just making things up as I go, so be patient with me lol. This will be multiple parts as well as blurbs. I have a busy schedule but I’m going to try my best to write these chapters cuz I’m really obsessed with the idea I have!

tags! @ambiguous-avery

[waihtie]

Supernatural Season 3

Facts | Rewatch Guide | Main Plot | Character Analysis

Facts and Stats

Sam Deaths: 0

Dean Deaths: Bc this is far from being a normal show, not only do I have to keep track of this each season, but now I'm struggling to decide which deaths to count

I'm gonna go with 2 main ones:

1. Dean dies in a mugging in Mystery Spot

Revival: Sam goes back to that day and stops it from happening

2. Dean dies by Hellhound

Revival: None (talking about season 3 only)

Then over 100 in Mystery Spot

(The last Mystery Spot one is counted as a main bc poor Sammy-boy had to live six whole months without Dean, even if it didn't happen in everyone else's (or even Dean's) timeline)

Important Character Deaths: Dean

Reoccuring Character Deaths: Gordon, Bela, Henriksen

Overall Deaths: 74 + the rest of Dean's Mystery Spot deaths

*This includes all people and supernatural creatures who died during an episode, even if they come back to life.

Sam Tied-up or Handcuffed Count: 7

Dean Tied-up or Handcuffed Count: 3

Things I Noted: I am loving the filter / colour tone change from the dull grey one over the first 2 seasons. It's doing God's work on Dean's face. And freckles. And eyes. And just overall vibe.

Important Information: Dean is in hell.

Rewatch Guide

Skip or Watch if I feel like it: 1, 4, 5, 14

5 ending has a bit of plot (could just read post about it)

Like, but Not Necessary: 3, 6, 7, 8, 13, 15

Necessary for Plot: 2, 9, 10, 11, 12, 16

10 and 11 might not be about the overall plot specifically, but they are important to the character development

Main Plot

This is where I usually just say they were once again mostly monster-of-the-week episodes. Which is true this season too. But this time, if these episodes weren't directly overall arc episodes, a lot of them seem to be character development episodes. Plus, it was a shorter season, so there were even less of the pointless episodes

Anyway, the main plot of this season was Dean living out his final year, and how that affected each of them. Sam struggling with it all, and Dean growing from it (I get into specifics in my character analysis). And of course the big thing is the search to get out of Dean's deal (at least on Sam's end)

Overall, I really liked this season for being an early-seasons season

Character Analysis

I loved both of the boys this season (how can you not?)

Sam: The thing I loved most about Sam this season is that they wrote him into the worried, protective, brotherly role. He did things, even self sacrificial things, to try to save Dean. He needed to save Dean, like Dean needed to save Sam. Then, there was Mystery Spot, where Sam had to live six months with Dean being dead, and he was a wreck. He was angry. He was willing to do anything to get Dean back. It's like I said in my post about the episode:

"The writers lose so much of who Sam is as the show goes on, focusing all on Dean and his emotions. Dean being the protector. Dean being the one who'd do anything for his brother. Dean being the one who cares too much. As if this isn't a co-dependancy. Plus, think of what Sam does after a certain one of Dean's 'deaths'." [Talking about when he didn't try to get him back in a future season]

Although I like how they wrote that for Sam, all that also means some other big things. You can see Sam growing darker and darker by the episode. He's not so much the fun, sarcastic, moral kid he was in season 1 and 2. He's angry, and in pain, and depressed, and willing to give up his morals. He's dealing with knowing he's gonna lose Dean (someone he's always been able to rely on and get emotional and physical protection from) in a very destructive manner. And then Mystery Spot happened, and it completely broke him. Traumatised him.

He is still Sam tho. It's not all gone. We do still get to see his heart and vulnerability and sarcasm in moments

Dean: On the opposite end of the scale, we got Dean. He once again, from one season to the next, has made a huge character growth. He no longer believes that his value is entirely wrapped up in how good of a soldier he can be for John. He's finding his own self-worth (seen especially in Dream a Little Dream of me).

This also means he's becoming more of who he actually is, and not just what he thinks John wants him to be (which I also said in the Season 2 recap post, but it's even more prominent this season).

There are basic things still in this season that we always see in him. His sarcasm, his brilliant one-liners, him being family-oriented (including found-family), his child-like joy at a lot of things. He doesn't lose any of it, even tho he's running out the clock on life. Most of it is actually exaggerated by that fact.

In summary: Dean is able to use the fact that he will die in a given (and short) period of time to find purpose, confidence, joy in life, and self-worth. Sam is the direct opposite. He's still going to be kicking by the end of that year, and he can't cope with it. He crumbles.

Dean's finding himself. Sam's losing himself.

(Side note: Don't get me wrong, I do know Dean is a master at hiding/repressing emotions)

[luwritesomething]

Dean Winchester x Reader: worrying chronicles.

Warnings: Swearing (probably), angsty?? but not really. John Winchester mentioned throughout the whole thing.

Tags: a bit angsty but with happy/fluffy ending, childhood friends, can be read as romantic, romantic coded, hunter!reader, reader has known sam and dean since kids, season 1, pre-season 1, can be read as black reader, can be read as plus size reader.

Reader pronouns: Non stated.

Word count: 1036

Summary: Dean calls reader and tells them he’s going to Stanford to get Sam. Reader wants him to rest.

Author’s note: I rarely ever write for Dean! Not because I don’t like him (I LOVE HIM), but because since I haven’t finished the show (i’m on season 8) the requests have to be either pre-show or within those seasons. Anyways, Dean and Sam Winchester requests are open, but with those conditions !! love my boys <3 graphic made by me (CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW PRETTY HE IS?)

You weren’t doing anything special when Dean called, you were planning foods and cooking weeks in advance. The hunter life you had led all your life had taught you enough to know homemade foods were a privilege, and that new hunts would always come into your life without a warning, wrecking all your plans. So, after those terrible, almost death experiences you liked to call a work well done, it was nice to go back home and find your fridge full of frozen food you could just heat up and eat.

It was the ringing of the phone that made you lift your gaze up from the vegetables you were cutting so carefully, your movements coming to a halt in order to not lose a finger without it being in a worthy battle. You didn’t let go of the knife as your hand, after slightly cleaning it against your jeans, came to grab the cell phone on the counter. Barely glancing at the name from whom the call was, you pressed the device against your ear and continued with your work.

“It’s me.” You answered quickly, hearing the background noise from the other side of the line. It was easily recognizable, considering you were able to recognize the noises Dean’s Impala made even in your deepest sleep. Perks of being friends. “Y’know, you shouldn’t make phone calls while driving.”

“I can do two things at once.” Dean said with a little huff, and even though you were probably a good amount of miles apart, you noticed the way his voice didn’t sound the same. He had never been good with masking his worry, and you had never been good at not worrying about him. 

You stopped cutting slowly and moved away from the counter. If something had happened, you couldn’t have your attention split in two. “Yeah, you tell that to the cops… Is everything alright?”

A beat of silence, which Dean used to avoid your question. “I’m driving to Stanford to go get Sam.”

“What?”

The silence let you know Dean wouldn’t be repeating himself, but thankfully enough he stayed on the line, waiting for your amazement to reduce. You had known the Winchesters for years — Hell, you three had practically grown together. It had been some long time ago, but you still remembered like it was yesterday the phone call you received from Dean to tell you that Sam had given up on the hunter life and basically left home after a big argument with their dad, John Winchester. You also remembered Sam’s call, after Dean’s, telling you the news. It hadn’t hurt from Sam’s part, knowing that was what was best for him, but it had from Dean’s, since he hadn’t been able to accept that his brother leaving had nothing to do with him.

You wanted to tell Dean that dragging Sam back into a life he did not want was not what he was supposed to do as a brother, but your mind went into another direction, knowing he wouldn’t accept that lesson from you; or anyone. All these years, Dean had been working wonderfully with his father, or so he made it look like — if he needed Sam, something bigger was happening, and he wasn’t completely avoiding telling you.

“Why?” You asked finally, your hand coming up to pinch the bridge of your nose. Was a headache coming your way already?

“My dad’s on a hunting trip.” He replied quickly, and something in the way he  said it told you he had rehearsed those same words a lot. Not because of being untrue, though, you knew John had gone on a big trip on his own for some reason Dean either didn’t want to tell you or didn’t know about. “He hasn’t called, he hasn’t said anything. I don’t know crap about him.”

That was bad. John could be an asshole, but his rules during a lone hunt were unbreakable, and those included informing constantly about his whereabouts. “Have you asked Bobby? Maybe he—”

“No one knows anything.” Dean interrupted you, rather abruptly. He was truly worried, and you just hoped he wouldn’t lose sight of the road ahead of him. “Nothing, none, nada. I’m getting Sam, and we're going to find where the hell he is.”

“Dean, wait.” Your glance shifted to the clock in your kitchen, your hand closing in a nervous fist. “It’s too late. You should rest tonight and go tomorrow morning, early.”

You could almost see him shaking his head. “We can’t lose time.”

“What is going to change if you arrive tonight at Stanford?” You insisted, rolling your eyes at how strong headed he was. Years together, and you still were amazed at how little he listened. “Dean, you’re in no condition to drive. You’re tired and nervous, just drive to my place, and then tomorrow—”

He called out your name rather harshly, to make you stop. “I have to find him.”

“And you will. Just come and rest, De.”

Your eyes glanced again at the clock when silence and the noises from the road were the only thing you could hear. Dean was really good with his car and he didn’t drive badly, but when he was worried things changed — you had been in enough almost accidents for you to have good reasons to not want him so late in the road. And he knew you were right, but the decision was on his hands, and it couldn’t help but irk you slightly.

You could still push it, though. “Please?” You murmured, loudly enough for him to hear it but also low enough to be able to be lost in the distance between you.

Dean clicked his tongue, and then sighed. “I’m fifty miles away. Don’t wait for me, I’ll climb through your window or something.”

“I’ll wait.” You retorted, with that voice you used to show you were completely adamant about your decision. It wasn’t difficult to hear the little huffed chuckle he let out, and it made you ease up, to know he was finally slowing down and rationalizing things. “Don’t run too much, dickhead.”

With a little scoff, Dean hung up and you found yourself smiling at nothing at all. 

[holylulusworld]

My alpha at the end of the street (2)

Summary: New home, new fate.

Pairing: Alpha!(Mobster)John Winchester x Omega!Reader; former Alpha!Marcus x Omega!Reader

Character: Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester

Warnings: angst, A/B/O dynamics, scenting, protective John, true mates, older alpha younger omega, comforting, fluff, cuddling & snuggling

A/N: Part 2/3

<< Part 1

Divider by @firefly-graphics​

“That one over there,” grasping for John’s hand you drag your alpha toward the garden goblins. “It’s the one he destroyed, look. I finally found her again.”

“Aw, the girl who liked the bad guy, the biker goblin,” nodding eagerly you bring the goblin into your arms, smiling as you found three of the garden goblins Marcus destroyed a few months ago.

“Now they can be together again,” you sniff, smiling when John places the goblin into your shopping cart. “My biker goblin will be so happy, John.”

“He will,” smiling John pecks your cheek before he has a look at the other garden goblins. “What about the dude with the pants down?” John picks the goblin up, laughing as you look at the figurine’s naked butt. “He’s on discount. Eight bucks, doll.”

“He’s naughty but I could place him next to the angry old lady. I bet she’ll like to have a look at his butt,” giggling you watch John put the naughty figurine into your shopping cart.

“Our garden will look great with all the goblins,” wondering if John will like all your decoration you look at the shopping cart. “We only need to find the one with the barrow.”

“JOHN! Look, there he is,” squealing you run toward the other side of the shop. John laughs at your eagerness but his features change when you are not looking where you are going and slip on the floor.

“Ouch,” ending up on your knees you cry out in pain, whimpering silently to not anger the alpha. You are used to hide your pain and emotions as Marcus always punished you if you didn’t put a fake smile on.

“Omega, doll…” John is by your side before you can shed the first tear. “Are you hurt, Y/N?” he carefully picks you up to soothe the pain. “I’m gonna check on you, baby doll, okay. Don’t cry. I will take care of you.”

“’m fine, John. It’s nothing, really,” you sniff, looking at your bleeding knees. “I want to buy the garden goblins first, please. Someone will snatch them if we don’t buy them.” you tear up.

“Shhh … everything is going to be alright. I will tell the clerk over there to reserve the garden goblins for me. I’ll bring you to my car and go back to get the goblins, okay baby doll.”

“O-okay,” sniffing you hide your face in John’s shoulder. “Sorry, but I like them so much. I want the garden to be colorful and friendly, is all.”

“I like them too, Y/N,” mumbling the words against your hair John inhales your scent deeply. “We will get them all, promised. I want you to be happy at my house. You gave up your new home to be with me, it’s the least I can do.”

“I love our home. It’s just that I’m not used to someone taking care of me. My parents left for Europe years ago without a care, and Marcus he’s – ya know.”

“A bastard,” John grits out, hiding Bobby, Rufus, and Claire took care of your former alpha without John’s permission. “He’ll never hurt you again, no one will as long as I live.”

“See, I got them all,” John shows you the garden goblins in the shopping cart. “And I found one more, the one with the sunflower.” he went back into the store to get everything you wanted after he checked on your wounds.

“There is another biker goblin too,” looking at the figurine you smirk. “You like them, don’t you?” laughing John nods at you.

“Look at that tough guy, Y/N,” getting the goblin out of the cart John laughs as you take it out of his hands. “Bet that guy and the one in our backyard will be a perfect team and protect our little goblins.”

“They will,” nodding you look up at John. “Thank you for everything, John. I know it’s a bit crazy to like the garden goblins so much but after I ran from Marcus, the first thing I saw at a secondhand store was a garden goblin. He was damaged and no one wanted the poor guy, but I liked it.”

“Is it the one you are hiding in your wardrobe?” you nod, embarrassed John found out about your secret. “It’s okay, doll. Everyone needs something to feel better. To me, it’s you and your presence.”

“You make me happy too, John. Incredibly happy and-“ taking his hand in yours you smile, “I feel safe with you, alpha but do you really want me around? We barely know each other, and I don’t want to be a burden.”

“You could never be a burden, Y/N. I will not tell you again that I want you around, omega, okay. You make me happy too, Y/N,” pecking your hair John smiles against you. “Now let’s bring our friends home and we can have lunch. I’ll cook for you. ”

“Aw, your sons look cute,” looking at another picture in John’s photo album you smile. “Sam, he’s got shaggy hair.”

“You know, they are all grown now and far from being cute,” chuckling John watches you look at the pictures again. “Do you-“ clearing his throat John tries to find the right words. “Omega, do you want to have pups? I mean, do you want to have my pups.”

“Pups,” purring you close the photo album to scoot closer to John. “Do you want some? I could have two or three…”

“Whoa, three?” snickering John watches you crawl onto his lap to hide your face in his neck. “We can have as much as you want to, doll.”

“Marcus, he never wanted to talk about babies. When I mentioned having a pup he got mad and threw things around the room before he-“ choking the last words out you fist John’s shirt.

“I should’ve ripped him apart limb by limb. That monster will never touch my girl again. You’re my omega now, Y/N. I’ll protect you and the goblins,” John can feel the tension in your body, so he moves his hand over your back, gently rubs it to calm you. “Everything is alright. You’re safe with me.”

“I know,” sniffing you peck John’s neck. “I feel safe with you, alpha. I know you would never hurt me.”

“I finally found my omega, my true mate. How could I ever hurt you?” nuzzling you John breathes you in. “You’re perfect, Y/N. All I ever wanted and more. Now, do you want more goblins?”

“I think we got enough – for now,” humming John watches you get comfortable on his lap. “Maybe if we find a cute one.”

“Anything for you, doll. Just say the word. This old alpha is all yours…”

“That bastard got what he deserved, John,” Claire shrugs at John’s pissed expression. “What? He almost kidnapped your omega. He hurt and threatened her. Not to forget to mention that monster destroyed her garden goblins.”

“I didn’t give you permission to kill him! What if his father and his men come here to find out who killed his son? We can’t draw too much attention. This sleepy little town is a refugee for us,” John growls. “Marcus Grant senior is not a fool.”

“According to the police report that bastard died in a car accident. His father will never know we taught his son a lesson or two before he bit the dust,” Rufus chuckles. “Believe me, John, we still know how to cover our tracks.”

“I don’t doubt you can cover your tracks, but this doesn’t mean Grant senior will accept his son is dead without digging deeper. What if he comes here to threaten my girl? I swore to never kill anyone again.”

“If that idjit dares to come here, he’ll regret it, John. Rufus, Claire, and I won’t let him ruin our sleepy little town. We are ready to defend our home,” Bobby mutters, pointing at Rufus. “Rufus got a nice shotgun and we don’t want to talk about my collection of guns.”

“I still can cut a bastard open. John Winchester, I will not let anything happen to your omega,” Claire plays with her favorite knife, chuckling as John makes a face. “Don’t worry, we’ve got this. Take care of your omega. She’s all you should worry about right now.”

“Perfect Y/N,” John smiles when you place the last garden goblin next to a cherry tree in John’s backyard. “I never thought my garden could look that nice. You did a great job, doll.”

“You think so,” you grasp John’s hand to squeeze it tightly. “Look, I cleaned your grill and I went to the grocery store and bought meat for you.”

“You’re spoiling me, doll,” smirking John watches you smile happily. “So, we can have a barbecue, huh? Maybe we can invite Bobby, Rufus, and Claire.”

“Sounds great. We could invite your sons too,” gasping you clasp one hand over your mouth, whimpering as you believe John doesn’t want you to meet his sons yet. “Sorry, I know it’s too soon to meet your sons. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“Baby doll, you can ask me anything and,” pecking your temple John smiles, “I called Sam and Dean. They will come around this weekend to meet my omega, my true mate. My sons are both excited to meet you, Y/N.”

“They are?” nodding you look up at John. “I could make dinner for us and pie. Uh-do you like pie? I could look for my granny’s recipe.”

“Dean will love you forever if you bake a pie for him.”

“I only want you to fall in love with me, John,” grinning cheekily John looks down at you. “If only I could find a way to seduce you, alpha.”

“You have my heart, Y/N,” mumbling the words John watches you place your hands onto his shoulders; laughing when you crane your neck to peck his lips. “Always, sweet omega. I don’t want you to do anything to win me over. This is unnecessary.”

“Maybe I want to seduce you,” cocking your head you glance at John’s lips. “I wasn’t always scared and meek. I used to be confident and funny.”

“I would never doubt you’re funny, doll. If you want to seduce me, kiss me again and I’m all yours,” your wrap your arms around his neck, humming happily when he meets you halfway to press his lips to your mouth.

“Nothing, Dad,” Sam whispers, watching you introduce his elder brother to your garden goblins. “We double-checked the police report and had a look at the car-wreck. Bobby did a great job. Grant senior won’t find out his son didn’t die in the accident.”

“Keep taps on him,” John laughs when you show Dean the biker goblin. “I need to be sure Y/N is safe, just like this place. One day I want my sons to take over this town.”

“She’s nice, dad,” humming John watches Dean interact with you. “We are glad you finally found someone. Dean was worried you’ll spend your life alone while jerking off to porn.”

“Sammy,” Dean tuts. “That was a secret. Can you not blur out anything I say?” deadpanning Dean walks toward John and his brother. “Now I want that food Y/N was talking about. She made pie too!”

“Y/N, welcome to the family, and be sure, you’ll not get rid of Dean as you baked him pie. He’s your best friend from now on,” Sam chuckles.

“I love me some pie, sweetheart. Dad, well done. You got yourself a nice, pretty, and smart omega. And she can bake, that makes her the ultimate mate,” grinning Dean pokes his father’s chest. “Bet you can’t wait to have pups with her.”

“Son-“ John grumbles, whispering the next words. “We didn’t so far. I want to take it slow and not scare my omega.”

“Your sons are great. Sammy is so smart, nice and freaking tall. Dean, he’s funny, loves pie, and hugged me repeatedly. He told me about his car and promised to get me a garden goblin with an Impala.”

“They like you too, doll,” your heart swells when John tells you his sons never liked one of his girlfriends before. “Dean asked when we are going to have pups. Sam wanted to know if we plan a spring wedding, and their wives want to come around as soon as possible.”

“Aw, I can’t wait,” crawling under the covers you babble about everything happening tonight while John watches you get comfortable on his bed. “Can we see the kids too? I bet they are as cute as your sons.”

“Uh-omega? Not that I want to complain but don’t you want to sleep in your room? I thought you need space and-“ John purrs when you pat the spot next to you. “Y/N?”

“I want to sleep in your room from now on. I’m not ready for anything else but I wanna sleep in your arms tonight,” swallowing thickly John lies next to you, waiting for you to make the next step. “When my heat is due, I wanna be yours.”

“Be mine,” humming John lets you lie on his chest, sleepily resting your head on his heart. “I like the sound of that.”

>> Part 3

Alpha at the end... tags

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[surlybobbies]

(here’s a late holiday offering for all of you)

deancas, 2.5k, AU, friends to lovers, baby jack

-----

They stopped at a park on the way back to Dean’s apartment. Baby’s trunk was full of gifts, evidence of a successful Christmas shopping trip, and so it was with satisfaction that Dean leaned against the hood of the car and pulled out his burger from the takeout bag.

Cas was similarly content, and they enjoyed each other’s company in silence for a few minutes as they began their meal. At a nearby jungle gym, children threw snowballs at each other from the little flakes of ice they’d been able to scrape together. Dean tried not to watch them too closely - you could never be too careful - but Cas observed them with a furrowed brow.

Apropos of nothing, he said, “How do parents handle the Santa situation?”

Dean wiped his mouth with a napkin. “What do you mean?”

“When would one begin telling a child about Santa? And how does one deal with the inevitable fallout when they realize he isn’t real?”

Dean’s stomach turned a little bit. “You thinkin’ about kids all of a sudden?”

“Not sure,” Cas said, examining his burger and plucking out a piece of onion with his fingers.

Another silence descended. Dean frowned at his meal, his appetite lost.

Meanwhile, Cas plucked out another onion slice. “I don’t think I believed in Santa,” he said eventually. “But I knew about him. I wish I could remember who first told me the tale.”

“I learned about him when I was in middle school,” Dean admitted. “The first time I stayed at one school for more than a few months. Pretty sure by then I was too old to believe.”

Cas lifted his eyes to the playground again. “No doubt at least a few of these children believe in Santa.” He sucked some stray ketchup off his thumb, and Dean had to look away.

“Good for them,” he said. “They should enjoy being kids.”

“In a few years, maybe even this year, their parents are going to have to admit to their lies.”

“It’s harmless,” Dean replied, waving away Cas’s curious stare. “It’s good for ‘em. Teaches ‘em to question things, question motives. Gets ‘em ready for the adult world of backstabbing and lies.”

Cas smiled at him. It was wide and affectionate. “I thought you said they should enjoy being kids?”

Dean bit down on a reflexive smile. “It’s one little thing, alright? Santa’s like - 1% of the kid experience. They’ve got the other 99% to think about - cooler, more important shit.”

“Like what?”

“Like the shit they do on the daily, y’know? If they can con their parents into letting them have candy for breakfast. Or sneaking down at midnight to have some ice cream. Or building a pillow fort. Or stickers. Or farts.”

“Farts?”

“Kids like farts.”

“No one likes farts.”

“You don’t know kids then.”

Cas conceded with a tilt of his head. “You’re right. Maybe they do enjoy farts.”

They finished their burgers and sipped at their sodas. It was when Dean was returning from the trash can that he saw the wistful look on Cas’s face as he listened to the yells and laughter of the kids. He smacked Cas on the arm. “You good?”

Up close, Dean could see the downturn of Cas’s lips. “Just thinking about the future,” Cas said eventually. When he turned to Dean, he was smiling woodenly.

Dean’s gut turned sour again, and he knew himself better than to blame it on the burger. “So you are thinkin’ about kids.”

Cas looked down at his shoes. “I think I might be.”

Dean ran a hand over his chin, then cleared his throat. “Good for you, man. I think you’d be a good dad.”

Cas looked at him. “And you too. You’d be an amazing father.”

The expression on Cas’s face - sincere, soft, affectionate - made Dean’s throat tight. He laughed too loudly. “Hey, listen, when you do have kids, you can tag me in any time, alright?”

The wistfulness had vanished from Cas’s face. He was smiling. “Agreed. I’ll let you handle the Santa situation.”

-----

Cas started fostering Jack a year later, and it was apparent very early on to Dean that fatherhood was Cas’s calling. Yes, he was always tired, and yes, he didn’t have nearly as much time for Dean as he did before, but Jack was thriving and Cas was happy - and because of that, Dean was happy, even if it meant losing Cas’s attention to fatherhood.

Dean’s disappointment was lessened by the fact that Jack quickly became just as attached to Dean as he was to his foster dad, so if Dean spent a few days a week at Cas’s place to “help out with the baby,” no one questioned his motives.

“You ever going to tell him?” Sam asked one day as he and Dean watched Cas carry Jack around Sam’s garden. Jack was a grabby kid, and Cas was constantly having to stop him from putting flowers in his mouth.

Dean didn’t bother asking what Sam was talking about. “He doesn’t need that on his plate right now.”

Sam raised his eyebrows at Dean, unconvinced. “So when? When he gives Jack up? You and I both know that’s never happening.”

“Then never,” Dean snapped, even though just the thought of holding it all in for one more day made Dean’s chest feel tight.

Sam ran a hand over his mouth like he was trying to stop himself from saying anything else, but Sam was nothing if not nosy. “We both know never’s not an option. It’s gotta be now, Dean. Or if not now, then soon. You’re already playing house with Cas. Plus there’s a kid involved now - a kid who absolutely adores you - so I hate to say it, but if things have to go south, it has to happen before Jack’s any older.”

Dean stared at Sam. “That’s fucked up, Sammy.”

“Don’t act like you didn’t know this already,” Sam said, though his tone was gentle. “I’m just saying out loud what you don’t want to admit.”

Cas was approaching with Jack, so Dean didn’t respond.

“I apologize,” Cas said to Sam. “Jack might have destroyed a few blooms.” He opened his palm and offered the crushed red blooms up for inspection. It could have been Dean’s bloody heart for how much he was hurting.

It was obvious that Sam was still watching Dean out of the corner of his eye, but he spared a smile and a tummy tickle for Jack. “No harm done, little guy.”

-----

Dean knew Sam was right, knew that for Jack’s sake, his two de facto parents needed to be on the same page about what they were to each other - but there was never a good time to bring it up. Was Dean supposed to just spill his heart out onto the dining room table with Jack’s sliced fruit? He contemplated asking Sam for advice, but 1) Dean did not want nor would he accept any pity from his little brother and 2) Sam was busy getting ready for his wedding.

So Dean, Cas, and Jack went on with their lives - separate but hopelessly intertwined, and all Dean could do was lie awake at night hoping that when the time came, he’d be able to make sense of the mess of tangled knots they’d created.

-----

Jack made the cutest ring bearer. Cas was a groomsman, but he’d asked to escort Jack up the aisle, and Sam and Eileen had loved the idea. Dean had loved the idea too, mostly because he knew he wouldn’t have been able to stomach the sight of Cas walking down the aisle in his smartly-tailored suit, arm-in-arm with Eileen’s cousin Sara. In the moment, however, Dean loved the idea simply because Cas was incandescent, smiling widely down at Jack, holding Jack’s hand as the toddler took his too-big, unsteady steps down the garden path.

At the end of the walk, when Cas had deposited Jack safely with Gabriel in the front row, he took his place by Dean’s side.

Dean couldn’t help but smile at him, helpless with affection. “I’m happy for you, Cas,” he said, just as the guests stood up to welcome the bride.

Cas ducked his head bashfully, but he put a hand on Dean’s back in acknowledgment. “Thank you.”

-----

Cas cornered him at the reception, where Dean was lurking at the edges of the dance floor. “Can we talk?” he said, leaning in to be heard over the music.

Dean had two servings of whiskey in him. “Always, Cas.”

Cas looked him oddly, but he said nothing. He led Dean away from the reception tent (where Gabriel and Garth were taking turns to dance with Jack in their arms) and stopped when they were far enough away to hear each other without yelling.

Cas was pink-cheeked from champagne, his hair was a mess, and Dean was so in love with him it hurt. “What do you need?” he asked, because concentrating on what Cas needed kept Dean from focusing on what Dean wanted.

“I thought I should tell you before it gets any farther in the proceedings - I’ve started the formal process of adopting Jack.”

Dean’s heart was full to bursting. He swallowed down a sudden urge to cry. “That’s great news, man,” he said, pulling Cas into a rough hug. “Congratulations!”

Cas’s arms wrapped tight around Dean, his chin hooked over Dean’s shoulder. There was a telltale sniff at his ear, so Dean just held on tighter to his best friend.

When Cas drew away a minute later, his nose was red. He kept his hands at Dean’s elbows. “I’ve asked so much of you already - “

“Stop right there,” Dean said, shaking his head, “because that’s not true. Whatever I did, I did because I wanted to. Because I’d do anything for that kid.”

Cas looked at Dean so tenderly it made Dean’s throat tight. “And I’m so grateful for that, Dean. You’ve been the best support I could have asked for.” Cas looked down, his eyebrows furrowing. The hands at Dean’s elbows tightened. “But I have to ask of you one more thing.”

There was no universe out there where Dean would have refused Cas anything. “Spit it out, Cas.”

“If something were to happen to me,” Cas said, eyes brimming, “would you take him in?”

Dean took hold of Cas’s elbows too, a reassurance that Cas was still there in front of him, still alive, still breathing. “Cas, you’re going to be kicking for a long time. Jack will have grandbabies before you check out.”

Cas smiled softly. He indulged Dean. “Still, if I should go before you - “

Helpless, absolutely wrecked, Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Sammy had just gotten married to the best woman on Earth a few hours prior. A few yards away, the people Dean loved were dancing to “The Cha-Cha Slide.” And now Cas was asking Dean to take on the biggest honor of his life in the same sentence that Cas was talking about his inevitable death. Dean’s eyes welled up.

Cas touched Dean’s face for a brief moment. “I’m sorry to do this to you.”

Dean swiped at his eyes stubbornly. “Cas, I meant it when I said I’d do anything for that kid. If he ever loses you, he’s going to have me. Don’t even think about apologizing for that.”

“Thank you,” Cas said. There were tears on his cheeks too. “That makes me feel less scared of the future.”

Dean sniffed. He straightened Cas’s tie. “But hey, no takebacks, alright? Even if you go and get yourself hitched, I’m not giving Jack up.”

Cas’s mouth lifted at the corner, but Dean knew it was just for show. “I don’t think marriage is in the cards for me, Dean,” Cas admitted.

It was the way Cas looked at him that made Dean remember what Sam had said a few months before. If Dean was ever going to say something, it had to be right at this moment.

“Listen, Cas,” Dean said, clearing his throat, “now that we know Jack’s gonna be sticking around, you should know something.”

The hands at Dean’s elbows tightened again. “Tell me,” Cas said, his eyes growing worried. He stepped closer, studying Dean’s face.

Dean was crying again, and he despised it. “I’m in love with you,” he said. He was terrified, anxious, and angry with himself at the same time. “So if that changes things - if you want me to fuck off and never talk to you or Jack again - now’s the time to tell me.”

Cas took a shaky breath. He cradled Dean’s face. “My love,” he murmured, eyes warm though they were still brimming with tears. “Love of my life.”

Dean almost laughed. Incredulous, he asked, “What? Who, me?”

Cas kissed him. It tasted like salt, and Dean was still crying, and honestly he had no idea what was happening, but Cas was patient with him, kissing his cheek when Dean did nothing but stare.

He drew back after the first few seconds, smiling despite Dean’s shock. “Yes, you,” he confirmed. His hands went to Dean’s tie. His voice was thick when he spoke again. “So no, in case it isn’t obvious, I do not want you to ‘fuck off.’”

This had not been what Dean was expecting. Tentatively, he touched Cas’s face, just a brush of fingers against Cas’s cheek, not bothering to hide his amazement when Cas smiled at him.

“Kind of slow on the uptake,” Cas said. His nose was still pink. “Maybe I should be in charge of Jack’s studies.”

It hit Dean all at once. Cas was his. Jack was his. Everything he’d ever wanted in this world was his. He kissed Cas properly this time.

-----

They returned to the reception a few minutes later. Eileen, upon seeing Cas’s glossy eyes and pink nose, instinctively grabbed a butter knife to throw at Dean’s throat, but Sam tugged her arm down and pointed at Dean and Cas’s joined hands.

The pair mingled with the guests hand-in-hand for most of the night, only letting go to pick up Jack and swing him between them.

Later on, in the parking lot, with Jack asleep in his car seat and buckled safely in the back seat of the Impala, Cas turned to Dean, who had his arm around Cas’s waist.

Cas smiled at him. He said two words: “Marry me.”

Dean didn’t know how he had any tears left in him. “Jesus. Give a guy a break,” he said, his voice cracking.

“Earlier I said marriage wasn’t in the cards for me,” Cas explained, smiling widely, apparently pleased that he was making Dean cry so much. “I don’t want you to misunderstand - it’s in the cards if it’s you.”

Dean touched his forehead to Cas’s, so happy he could barely get any words out. “Cas, you know it’s a yes.”

-----

Jack was five years old and came home from kindergarten with a coloring sheet of Santa. Cas looked at Dean, mouth thin. “I’m tagging you in,” he said, then left the room.

“Can we see Santa at the mall, dad?” Jack asked, tongue between his teeth as he scribbled with his crayon.

Dean put a hand on Jack’s back. “Sure, bud,” he said. “You can tell him what you want for Christmas.”

He pulled out his phone. You’re dealing with the tooth fairy, he texted Cas.

Fine. You talk to him about the Easter Bunny then.

-----

Hope you liked it! I only ask that you do me one favor if you did - go and read my most recent fic on ao3 - I posted it at a dumb time and wish more people could see it. 

[laf-outloud]

Jensen's Solo Panel - DenverCon Favorite Bits

My favorite parts of Jensen's Solo panel:

His hair looks so good! I love the longer look.

His story about the military stunt man of unusual size! Loved the yes sirs, no sirs and being able to toss around Jared!

Jensen missing his brother, Jared.

Loved the question about Jensen possibly carrying Dean (the character) into his new roles/auditions. Jensen indicates we may see nuances, but it was difficult not to do the Dean voice and getting a note from Kripke about it. LOL!

His Soldier Boy radio voice!!!

His relaxed posture and comfortability with the panel. He's come a long way from the early conventions.

He hasn't mourned the show or Dean because Dean's not gone.

Wanting to come back and do a reunion!

Character backstory technique - Jensen doesn't typically do that technique, but his new characters have good backstory built in.

Hazing on The Boys, day 1 with Jensen in all his glory. Can't wait to see that!

Couldn't go home during filming The Boys and he didn't go crazy. But "thank God for FaceTime".

LOL! His girls are Daddy's girls! ("Love them some Daddy" Oops, didn't quite come out right.) Arrow is going to be the death of him.

Zeppelin is a momma's boy, but when Jensen came back, he never left his side.

Went home for five days, then back to work for four weeks.

His dancing!!!

The Applebee's song!!! He is in great shape and he can still work it!!!

"No capes, no tights!" (In reference to what he's going to be for Halloween.) I wouldn't object if he wanted to do that.

He'll be back in Austin in a couple of weeks!

90% of the finale script didn't change.

He wishes Jared was there for people to ask him about the finale.

Bridge scene was effective and beautiful, but it would have been fun to have Kansas play and turn it into a wrap party. I still loved what we got and felt it was better to have the focus on Sam and Dean.

Explaining what an aux cord is! LOL!

Old TV static was the battle of the white and black ants. (Never heard it put that way before).

Music plays in Zeppelin's head all the time. Does that happen with other people?

Finale question about things added to it that wasn't in the script. Great question!

Jared probably remembers this stuff better.

Barn scene was only done a couple of times otherwise they'd be an absolute wreck. (I would be too!)

The crew had to turn around or leave the set because it was hard for them to watch it in person.

Doubling up on "I need you tell me it's okay." (Me crying on the floor.)

Tip from Karl Urban: Moments happen naturally, until the director notices and wants to make it intentional, then it's no longer organic.

Jensen fought for Dean to die standing up. "If he's going to die, he's going to die standing." The two of them facing each other was more powerful. (And because of that, we got the forehead touch and the hand-holding!!!)

Jensen can't eat pie anymore without a smirk. Dean changed Jensen's relationship with pie forever.

Paranormal entities aren't targeting someone who played a hunter for 15 years. Jensens "been trained in ghost warfare for 15 years." He has no problems sleeping in a haunted hotel.

All the horses he tried! Cowboy, Texas, then Kevin.

Sees a gorgeous all black horse called Bebe, Jensen's like, it's Baby. That's my horse!

Poor Baby was limping. So a 16 1/2 hand huge quarter horse comes around (biggest horse). The horse named Spanky! "As long as it wasn't Sam, we're good, that would have been too close."

If Jack's character was a girl and not a boy, how would Dean react? "The same? Do we even know what Jack identifies as?" Storyline wouldn't have been affected by gender, "which it shouldn't". Dean might have had extra glances at him, which is Dean's problem.

Would have played Benny if he had to play another character. Due to his really cool storyline and how he developed Dean into seeing the gray area in monsters. He really wanted Ty in his sequence in S15. Besides Sam and Cas, there was a brotherly relationship there. (Love that all these relationships are about brothers!)

Jensen didn't remember 15.19 scene and had to be reminded. He had just lost his best friend, it would have been a huge embrace if it was Cas at the door instead of Lucifer.

The outfit is not the best part of playing a superhero. They're not built for 12-14 hours day of sweating and not good for stunts.

Boots he wore as Soldier Boy were the same boots he wore as Dean. (They're already broken in, why not?)

Misha shows up and Jensen thought it would be Jared (wish it was).

Jensen worked out like crazy during the pandemic so he would have muscles to fill the superhero costume. (Not complaining here).

Jensen was looking forward to leaning into the conventions without stress, but the pandemic happened. (I know he has a quick turn-around to his other show, but I'm glad he was so relaxed here).

Thanks everyone for the restrictions. He doesn't want Jared's show to shut down, or his. (Nor do I!)

Poor Rob and the transition!

I thought it was a great panel and the questions and commentary really covered all of his current projects! I was glad to see less of his Dean character that he's had in previous cons and more just relaxed Jensen.

[supernaturalkickparty]

I've been seeing people post what Carry On means to them but I'm gonna dial it back and bit and put what SPN as a whole means to me. Kinda long and idk how to post things under a cut so sorry guys.

Ok so September 2005. It was just 2 days after my 17th birthday, I was miserable, I was home alone, and I was bored. So I'm channel surfing and I caught it just as Mary went up in flames. I was like whoa, ok what's up.

Needless to say by the end of the pilot I was hooked.

Now for me that was my escape from the abuse at home, the bullying at school, the depression, the everything that I was going through. For that one hour a week I was part of a world where these brothers were going through so much and I wanted/needed to know more. I needed to see how it ended. Then All Hell Breaks Loose happened and I lost my collective shit. How could Sam die? How can these brothers who just started to be close again lose one another?

God the emotions of it all, the ups and downs the brothers went through. If I didn't have cable i would often wait to catch the reruns whenever we did have cable and I would watch all the time at the gym. Honestly that was maybe the only time I willingly went to the gym.

2015 I met my husband, we started dating and I found out he had never seen supernatural. Found out the hard way as we watched The Werther Project for the first time and he asked me what the show was about. That night we started watching from season 1 and he continued watching until he caught up. When he wasn't working he became my spn watch buddy.

2017 and 2018 I had miscarriages that landed me in the hospital and in bed for a good while. The show in all it's SamandDean codependency helped me out in the sense of I got lost in my fictional world. For an hour I was caught up in whatever was going on and I forgot it all.

Very late 2019 I finally carried a pregnancy to term and I had my one and only child. The pandemic happened and all I had were my shows to keep me sane while I was navigating mommyhood. Spn's fuckery(affectionately) helped remind me what I enjoyed as a person before I became a mom, the codependency reminded me why I love the show in the first place. The two awkward brothers who caught my attention.

Then season 15 came around, it was hit and miss on some parts and I don't want to get into that, overall, it was memorable because me and my husband watched it together while I had a baby on my tit. As Carry On played out, the toddler was dead asleep, latched on to my boob while I watched the episode play out. The domestic!chester's, the brothers having a routine and just going to a pie festival and having a good time. That 5 years down the road after they last saw Chuck and they still chose one another. That no matter what they still and will always choose one another.

I was a wreck as the fight scene broke out. I was always a wreck if there was a fight scene. When I saw the rebar I remember looking at my husband and saying "please god no." As I clutched my baby. When I saw Dean actually land on the rebar, god I cried so ugly. I squeezed the toddler and tried hard to cover my mouth and hoping me crying wouldn't wake him up.

Dean's declaration of love to Sam. The fear of Sam turning him away. For 15 plus years he held onto that fear. "I love you so much my baby brother." The needing assurance from Sam that it was ok to let go. Sam not sure how to live at first without Dean, Dean not giving a single fuck about anyone in Heaven because Sam wasn't there. He drove for what I'm guessing is 5 minutes heaven time to what was the rest of Sam's life.

The bridge scene. All was right in the world because Dean had Sam and Sam had Dean. The soulmates were reunited and it was finally perfect.

Now I know some people didn't like the finale and ok that's cool. But I loved it. It wasn't necessarily a happy ending but it was because in the end it was just Sam and Dean. The show began being about two brothers and it ended being about the two brothers. The ending was perfect because Sam and Dean had each other.

Supernatural meant the most to me because from a 17 year old teenager who grew up close with her siblings to a 32 year woman with a husband and kid and still very close with her siblings, it reminded me time and time again, family was everything because Sam and Dean were their own family. And at the end of the day, family, however your family is(friends,siblings,etc) that's what counts.

[supertransural]

Dean and his “things, people and feelings” he’s already “experienced differently”.

So here’s a random 4am thought I had. You know how while in the confessional in 10x16, Dean talks about “things, people, feelings” he wants to “experience differently/for the first time”? That confession is literally incoherent if you take a perfectly heterosexual-non-castiel-point of view. It just is. Let me explain why I think that is, and prepare yourself, this is going to be long. 

Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that we’re supposed to understand that conversation the way the priest understands it, that we’re supposed to see Dean the way the priest sees him: as someone who likes to have flings, who cheats, doesn’t commit, etc... basically the character that was introduced to us in the first few seasons/episodes (somewhat). I’m going to be calling that stance the “priest POV”. 

The issue here, is that this is not in fact “the first few seasons/episodes”, this is season 10, Things have happened since then. People have happened. Feelings. Have. Happened. Wether it be in the form of flashbacks or present day events, we’ve seen character development. So let’s start with romantic ones.

1: The first one that comes to mind is Lisa (and Ben). He had a committed, long term, family oriented, white picket fence relationship. It wasn’t just a “I had no other place to go” kinda deal, because once he was somewhat back on his feet, he could’ve pulled a Dean WInchester and left. Except he didn’t. He could’ve cheated. Except he didn’t. He could’ve not opened up or not gotten vulnerable. Except he did. That should already debunk the “priest POV” but let me add on. 

2: Cassie. Dean was insanely vulnerable with her, he loved her, opened up to her about the one big thing he never tells his one night stands, and incidentally was the one who was rejected this time around. He still has feelings about her when he meets her again. 

3: Robin. His first, real girlfriend. With whom he was also in a committed relationship with, which probably would’ve kept on growing if John hadn’t been the usual assh*le that he is, and Dean had had a chance to go to that dance with her. I like to think of her as beta-version-Lisa, and also as the girl who set him on his blazing trail of leaving women after 1 day or 1 week. His dad was the one to rip him away from her, and we know he wanted his son to be the perfect masc, emotionless, order-following, womanizer. And that is exactly what Dean attempts to become, even though this obviously goes against every fiber of his being (see #4).

4: Amanda. Now you may be thinking “but hey! Dean does cheat on her! and it is a short relationship!”. Sure he does, and sure it is, as I said, ever since Robin, he’s trying to be the womanizer his dad wants him to be. But he still lets himself get quite attached to Amanda, as shown by his disdain of the school right after she dumps him in front of everyone. The only reason he liked or tolerated this school wasn’t just “the hot cheerleaders” or whatever, it was Amanda. He wants to put on this mask of “I don’t care about her, I’m a bad boy, I’m just in it for the sex”, but he’s genuinely hurt by what she tells him about his life and how she judges it, and saddened by the breakup. He lets himself get hurt by her. Bear with me, this is important, because we see it happen again with Cassie and then he never lets it get to that point again, simply because of fear and trauma (I think), for example he’s the one to start the conversation about breaking up with Lisa.

Now. What about the “he was just talking about platonic things and feelings and people” possibility. Spoiler alert, it still doesn’t work. 

1: Jo. Otherwise known in my head as beta-version-Charlie, it’s true that Jo is part of those “early seasons” characters, but that only adds to the inconsistency of the “priest POV”. Dean cared intensely about her, some people think of their relationship as romantic, but I really like the “big brother/father/protective” figure idea. Whatever you believe their relationship was, it was profound, I mean he was positively shattered when she died. Again, deep feelings, longterm feelings. 

2: Benny. Like seriously. Dean spent a year in Purgatory with him, saw him as a brother despite the fact he was a vampire, helped him as much as he could while he was having troubles adapting to life on Earth again, protected him through thick and thin, went against his brother for him, against other hunters, against his core beliefs as a hunter himself, just. for. him. If that doesn’t tick all the boxes of things, feelings, people he wants to experience differently for you, then I truly don’t know what to tell you. And then there’s the whole thing with the ship between them, which I somewhat agree with but it isn’t cannon enough for this. 

3: Garth. Yeah, sure, Dean is condescending towards him at first, but he does care about him a lot, and probably doesn’t understand why and how Garth cares about him so quickly, or offers support voluntarily. Garth is a bit of a role model to him, that scrawny, somewhat cringy, little man is better at life than Dean is, and Dean sees that. He’s bothered by it at first, but learns to respect Garth later on, and care about him. He relies on him as a hunter, and kind of as a friend too and he lets him be the new Bobby (which proves a lot of trust grew here) (also, much later on, Dean makes sure he stays out of hunting so Garth can have a happy family life, he also accepts the fact that he’s a werewolf and that his whole family is too). That Also counts as people experienced differently and for the first time. 

4: Kevin. Or as I like to call him, sort-of-beta-version-Jack. Dean feels responsible for him, he jumps into the role of a father figure more than Sam ever does, as much as Sam cares about Kevin too. He is also completely shattered when he dies, like with Jo (which is a bit of the reason why I see Jo and Dean’s relationship as a Big brother-Little sister relationship, the vibe is similar (but not identical) to Kevin and Dean’s). 

5: Jody. Jody is like the mother he never really had growing up. He is vulnerable around her, opens up, she’s basically family. I’m not going to write in Bobby, because he doesn’t count as “new things”, he was effectively his father. Here, Dean lets Jody become a sort of mother to him even though his memory of his mom isn’t as tarnished as his dad’s is. He lets her step into his mom’s sacred shoes. He lets her take care of him in a way. He lets her enter his life and be here for him. New people, new feelings.

6: Charlie. Charlie is his little sister, no doubt about it. She’s his role model, he loves her deeply, he lets himself care about her and feel insanely protective of her. He lets her be Sam #2. He lets himself become a big brother to a new Jo. To a new human. He lets his nerdy side out around her, he learns from her openness about being gay. He is comfortable around her. He is constantly worried about her. New feelings, new people, new things, first time blah blah blah you know the drill by now.

7: Ash. Yes, yes, I know, another “early on” character. But as I said, it keeps on just proving my point. First of all, I firmly believe Dean had a massive crush on Ash but that’s just my interpretation. He respects Ash and looks up to him, he wants to be a bit like him, confident, comfortable in his own life and skin, happy, and he lives in a friggin’ bar for godsakes. He is the epitome of what Dean wants to be at that point in time. He wants to be carefree like Ash is. He thinks Ash is highly intelligent, and has it made. He sees what a happy man can be, one without burdens from “the life”. Ash is a bit like the cooler version of Garth (no offense to Garth of course). Does that count as a role model? I don’t know. But it sure as hell shaped Dean’s hope for what his life could one day be. And Dean cares about Ash deeply as well, he was devastated when he died (he was devastated about the whole Roadhouse burning of course, but it’s clear Ash’s death shakes him quite a bit) and is genuinely happy when he gets to see him again in Heaven, when he sees Ash content and at peace, and the fact that Ash tells him he’ll see him again one day makes him smile (btw thats something I would’ve wanted to see in the finale, but nooooo they simply had to give us a train wreck instead). 

So now that we’ve established those relationships he’s already had before (and I use the term relationship broadly here, it also includes all his friends), I’d like to point something out. There are of course other people he met along the way, other people he saved who inspired him, like the gay couple LARPing as him and Sam, Ellen (beta-version-Jody), in a way Tessa, Layla Rourke, Eileen, to name a few. But I feel as though the ones I cited were the main ones that truly show how shallow the “priest POV” interpretation is.

So where exactly does all this leave us? Well, friends, exactly where I intended it to be. That scene can’t be about potential women being longterm or serious romantic partners because that’s already happened. It can’t be about friends or monsters, because that’s already happened. Canonically. Several times, in several different flavors. 

TL;DR: There is no way this confession scene is heterosexual, and it’s probably about Cas, but not just him, it’s also simply about Dean himself and his comfy closet getting not so comfortable anymore. 

[demenior]

Dem’s Big Post About The Spn Fics Part 1/2

aka The Wrap Up to celebrate To Exist Again and To Become a Man now being finished!

(This will be a long post. This is your only warning.)

Admittedly this is a bit of a weird thing to be doing, but I wanted to try it out for 3 reasons: 

I love talking about my own work and 

It functions really well as a self-reflective tool for me to improve on, and 

I can answer some big questions people might have because there was a LOT of worldbuilding in these stories. 

We’ll start off with reflective stuff, and move into the juicier world-building focused stuff later into the post. There will be major spoilers for both fics to come!

To begin with a funny anecdote, Why Did I Write These Stories?

I was beginning to write and work out the story that I wanted to write for Spn (what will now be To Destroy a Man. As I was writing the scene, I realized I had a LOT of ideas and while I was trying to avoid as much exposition as I could, it became quickly apparent that I was needing to create my own au (this scene eventually became chapter 34 of To Become a Man). A short prequel seemed like a good idea, to quickly hash out the ‘prior’ events that I needed to go through so all the readers could be on the same page. While plotting out prequel points, I realized Sam and Dean were going to have drastically different experiences during the same time period, and I was trying to figure out who’s pov would be better for which scenes, and how to keep momentum when they’re going through such radically different types of changes. Ultimately I decided to split their povs, which I also thought would be a fun project! And I naively assumed each pov would take about 2 chapters each, rounding out to maybe 15k total.

I had my ending points: Dean n Cas soul-merged and (basically) married, Cas on the lam from heaven and a complete anomaly, and Sam juiced up full of powers and a weird mix of archangel and antichrist but still 100% human and ready to fight God. 

Now I needed to add weight to these changes, so I wrote 200k of build-up.

Am I proud of these fics?

OF COURSE I AM!!! These are the longest fics I’ve ever written AND finished AND in the fastest freakin turnaround ever (both were finished writing, barring edits, in like 6 months holy shit)

I didn’t write a single scene that I “didn’t” want to write. If I had trouble writing it, as in it was fighting me, I scrapped it. Most obviously was the scene in Dean’s pov where he and Sam were intended to meet some other hunters and Dean declines working with them because he’s nervous about being outed as queer. It was meant to be a good scene! I wanted to introduce some new characters! But it just wasn’t working so I said ‘thank you, next!’. 

But it means this story was an absolute joy to write. Because for a while all I was doing was ‘if I wanted to write one scene into supernatural, what would I write?’ and then just DID that!! It’s why there’s a lot of ‘Salmondean do dumb shit or have really dumb heartfelt conversations’ scenes.

Would I change anything?

If I’d been less eager to start sharing, I might have planned out the story beats a little tighter so there were less ‘soft’ chapters and a draw/pull for people to come back and keep reading. I felt Dean’s story specifically lagged at points and could have used some tighter editing (there was a noticeable lull in directed movement between Dean n Cas getting together, until Sam corrupts Amy).

I also probably would have held Sam’s story until I’d finished Dean’s so I could make the two line up better! Probably could have inserted more scenes into Sam’s fic that way, and made sure things were a little more consistent. In an ideal world one concept I had was to release 1 chapter from each pov every week that would correspond to the same time frame so we’d be getting real-time SalmonDean pov narrative. Unfortunately that didn’t work!

The biggest takeaway overall is for me to focus more on what moves the plot, and to make my scenes do more than 1 thing so I can cut down on wordcount and increase my efficiency. 

Of course every writer will find things they want to fix in anything they’ve ever written, so these are minor “mistakes” at best. I’m so dang proud of these fics. 

Onto more interesting things!

How Did I Put These Fics Together (because it’s different than anything I’ve ever done before)

Normally when I write a story, I plan out the beats I need to hit, see where I need to insert any kind of foreshadowing/buildup, and then write from A to B to C and so on and so forth. Hence, this is why I can normally post things as I complete chapters, because it’s all a linear progression. 

For these two stories, rather than linear plot/a normal story structure, I just sat and free-wrote any and every scene that came to mind and then pieced them into a kinda-linear form like putting a quilt together. You’ll note that this is why there’s not a lot of internal callback or a feeling of sense of time flowing within the fic (save for points where I went back and specifically edited it in). How long does the story take place over? Hard to say! Your author has the barest grasp on linear time even on a good day (how many times did I say ‘see you on [wrong day]’ at the end of chapters lmaaoooo)

This also meant EXTENSIVE editing on the back end once I decided in what order I wanted my ‘quilt pieces’ to be. Hard to say if this is a bonus or a negative!

But I did want to try and capture the vibe of the lives they lead, as a bit of a ‘slice of life’-style story, when the slice of life is the profound weirdness of the Winchester roaming life, and how things are status quo- until everyone almost dies oh shit!! And then they have to keep living because no therapy we die/undie like Winchesters. Do I think I captured this effectively? Hmm. Good question. 

Dem where the FUCK did the inspiration for a lot of the magic and creature weirdness even come from?

Honestly? Music, primarily. And completely mishearing lyrics!

Nightwish ‘Ever Dream’: the line is ‘my song can but borrow you grace’ and because my brain is scrambled eggs on a good day, I heard ‘grace’ ‘song’ and ‘borrow’ in that order and have had, for YEARS, the mental image of Cas borrowing Dean’s soul to power himself up for battle.

From there I’ve always been enamored with the ‘wavelength of celestial intent’ descriptor that Cas drops in s6 for “what he is”. 

I also really like ocean metaphors mostly because I’ve been obsessed with the ocean and things in it since I was like… 5??? So really this was me just rolling with what I know lmao. I love using (somewhat) accurate scientific metaphors for very intangible things!

I was also finishing my degree in biology/ecology while writing these fics and I think it shows

Stars ‘The Night Starts Here’ gives us the series title and the fic titles. Except for ‘To Exist Again’. TEA was almost titled ‘The Upwards Fall’ because I wanted all 3 of the Main Stories to have titles from this song, but I couldn’t make anything else work in tandem with the series name ‘The Love It Takes’ while also working for Sam’s personal story. So Sam, as always, is the rebel <3

Stars ‘Up In Our Bedroom, After The War’ is basically the vibes of the whole story. TFW has been, literally, to hell and back!!! There’s a bit of melancholy and sadness, a lingering dark, but the chance of a bright new tomorrow and a soft start.

Let’s Talk About Themes in The Story! What were you looking to accomplish? 

My earliest notes for TFW are, as follows:

Dean’s journey of self-discovery (who am I when I’m not trying to be Dad?)

Dean wants to settle down! He wants a big family! He wants to be domestic!

Basically: Dean doesn’t want to have a short life of hunting. He wants to live!

Dean’s journey of realizing he’s bi, and him accepting that

Dean’s relationship to Sam is both older brother/parent 

And continuing Dean balancing these roles while also letting Sam be an adult 

Dean’s Big Issues/Fears about never being good enough for people to want to stay with him (these are effectively highlighted in that Cas thinks he’s not useful enough to be wanted)

Sub Plot:

Castiel’s autonomy

Cas’ fall from grace, to trying to restore Heaven, to wrecking it further

He’s majorly depressed by the end of s7 (before purgatory)

Wants to stay in Purgatory but doesn’t tell Dean

Remains depressed after leaving, but resolved to keep living on because he’s clearly meant for something

After the seraphim reveal: does he have free will?! How does he grapple with this? How does he live in a way he can be proud of?

And lastly

Sam gets his powers back CAUSE THATS HOT

where tf did they go????

he got them from Lucifer?????

sleeper agent??????

Sam is The Chosen One

Accepts that he is More Than Human and to celebrate all parts of him

Lucifer and Sam friends?? Work together????

Sam needs autonomy in his choices/his life

If you compare these to the overall arc of TFW within the two stories, I think I got a lot of them! But you’ll also note a lot of these things aren’t concrete goals that are easily measurable (ex: Dean wants to learn to bake pie. In chapter 1 he starts a fire in the kitchen. By the end of the story he finally makes A Good Pie.) part of the lack of concrete milestones was why I felt it was important to tell Dean (and Cas’) story by going back to the point they meet, in s4! Dean’s gradual change towards his feelings for Cas, his relationship to Sam (heavily influenced by the s7 events of this fic) and then his own relationship with himself were such slow burns that I felt it would be a disservice to try and cram a change like that into a timeline like “1 year”.

I felt like these subtle changes and adjustments actually felt a lot truer to life-- people often change in very small, gradual ways over time, even without realizing it and often times not consistently! If only we could all gain skills like the sims, where we can easily level up and remain at that high level of performance! 

So the Guy Who Ate Satan, A Celestial Nuke that Developed Sentience, and Dean walk into a bar…

Sam’s story in Spn The Show has always been a ‘chosen one’ kind of narrative. Sam is living with one foot in the realm of the monsters, and I wanted to bring that back full force! It really makes sense for him that he should only continue to grow in power, might, and magic!! As the story progresses.

Cas also got a power up! I do desperately love in the show that he was kind of a grunt/nothing angel, and so even when he defected to TFW he was a huge help for them, but in the scale of things he was an annoying fly to most other angels. It really worked for the underdog story of s4/5. In this I wanted to give him a power up, and originally it was actually going to be close contact with Sam that eventually changed Cas into something unknown (you can still see traces of this in ch34 of TBAM, where Death remarks ‘Castiel could be [Sam’s] first creation’. But for a combo of reasons: how Sam’s magic needed to have intent, the entire concept of free will and consent, and how much I wanted Dean and Cas to have their effect on each other, I decided to go with the route that Cas has actually always been something angel-adjacent rather than becoming something new. TFW/Supernatural has always been about free will and making your own story, so I amplified that with Cas.

Dean has always been A Normal Guy, which is part of the appeal of him and Sam (2 normal dudes!) taking on the Very Not Normal. As explained above, Sam’s story is ‘normal guy finds out he’s the chosen one’ and so, in a story about very large concepts and huge monsters and acts of magic, I felt it was very important to keep Dean as normal as possible. To the point it became a running gag to me, personally, in that ‘no matter what cool shit happens around him, Dean has to stay as Just A Guy’. And it’s a very humanizing role that allows the story to have the scale it does!

What were the most important themes in your story?

Sam’s Autonomy

I wasn’t even going to include the plot about Lucifer’s death in this story— that was going to come up in a later story, actually! And rather than Sam having ate Lucifer, the original idea was that they’d become a SamandLucifer entity (this harkens back to a concept I wanted to write when Swan Song first aired). 

That storyline would have involved a lot of mental ‘Sam and Lucifer discuss what it means to live, which one of them is more worthy of life and if they do deserve to destroy the world for the pain they’ve been forced to go through, just to create the dichotomy of good and evil for everyone else’ discussions. There would be a lot of talk about how Sam hates and fears Lucifer for the pain Lucifer put on Sam, how Lucifer hates Sam because he and Sam are the same but Sam’s brother loves him anyways, etc. 

Ultimately that was scrapped because Sam’s entire story in the show is always about how the world and everyone around him manipulates him and that he never actually gets to make choices about his own life or body that aren’t influenced or part of someone elses’ design. And that always bothered me that Sam was never allowed to be himself without having to be ashamed of it, and I wanted to make sure that Sam’s triumph of being proud of himself/proudly choosing to exist (again) was evident in his story

In the end I needed Sam to have this visceral win over his tormentor. As the story shows, in this case Lucifer was abused and put into a position where he was incapable of empathy and could only express himself in violence. Sam even understands this! But it doesn’t change the fact that Lucifer tortured Sam in unimaginable ways for thousands of years. 

With that in mind I didn’t like the idea of Lucifer and Sam having “co-ownership” of their new identity, so I made the choice that Sam had to be the survivor. This tied in well with Sam’s new crusade to restore free will to the universe, because he’s breaking the narrative of his own story!

While Castiel wasn’t a pov character, his own autonomy and free will was equally as important. You’ll note that many, many paragraphs and conversations revolved around that theme and that in the end Cas followed himself (and love!) which ensured his freedom of self <3

The Brothers are WEIRD PEOPLE!!!! And Codependent to a Worrying Degree, but It’s Also How They Survive

It’s very hard to show “unusual” relationships when you’re writing from the pov of the two people who don’t think there’s anything weird about their relationship. Sure, they say ‘yeah it’s probably weird that we still share a bed’ but that’s kinda more in line with ‘I had a nightmare and I want to be close to the person who makes me feel safe’. Hashtag normalize co-sleeping when you need it!!!

From there I did try to point out how the boys have a weird perception of lifestyle in the little things they did. 

From thrifting everything from clothes to appliances to books (thrifting is a valid lifestyle! It’s incredibly handy when you’re on a budget.) 

To never actually having condiments or knowing how to use a dishwasher cause they’ve lived in a car, a motel room, or squatted in old houses their whole life.

I tried to have them wear each others’ clothes or casually swap things as much as possible. They live out of each others’ pockets!

Also the brothers are just weird people!! It’s hard to show from their pov, cause they don’t know how far off from normal they are, but like…

Everything about Sam and Amelia was NOT right like holy shit those two were wilding in their grief. They are very lucky things worked out for them and that they got to be hashtag Weird Girls together

Dean explicitly, in the story, gets horny after killing stuff!! Violence has done a number on his psyche and he’s gotten some wires crossed that maybe shouldn’t have been, or maybe could be worked out in a safe space but… uh… how likely do we think Dean is gonna go find a safe space to deal with any of his shit???

LOVE!!! Love is truly what this whole story is all about

If you’ve read the stories, you know how much emphasis I put on love. Love is the strongest force in the Spn Universe! It’s what averted the apocalypse and saved the world (Swan Song), it’s what created free will (Cas’ entire arc!) I love love!!!!

I went out of my way to not put any definitions on platonic love vs romantic love because I think love is love is love and how you express that is the difference. Neither is more powerful than the other because LOVE is powerful!! Sam and Cas are the most important people in Dean’s life and he loves them equally! He shows this by giving Cas kisses and stealing Sam’s socks.

It’s a personal pet peeve of mine when I have to hear explanations like ‘I love you, like a brother’ or ‘I love you, but like, as a friend because I’m a lesbian and you’re a man’ etc etc in media. If you have to continuously define how your characters love each other, then I don’t think you’re doing a good job of portraying their relationship. So you’ll see that I never put those parameters in any conversation. Dean DOES muse that he loves Cas differently than he loves Sam or Bobby, specifically because there is a romantic and sexual tone that his feelings for Cas takes, but not because he loves Cas more or less than he loves Sam or Bobby.

Which means, if you haven’t realized it yet, the Series + Fic Titles are meant to be a complete sentence because the power of love IS the thesis of this series:

The Love It Takes To Exist Again (Sam’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Become a Man (Dean’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Destroy a Man (TBA)

And now for fun stuff. Behind the scenes!!

What’s Something People Probably Don’t Know?

The demonic fungal/hydrothermal vent growth on Sam’s arm was thrown in literally as I was posting the chapter because I had just finished a 48 hour cram session of writing a report on tube worms for an ecology class (I was chanting my tube worm song as I wrote it) and it ended up being a HUGE hit with both readers and myself. But it was so last minute I had trouble fitting it in more throughout the rest of Sam’s story!

Cas’ orders? That may or may not have bound him to Dean and removed his free will? Were written into Sam’s story and I went ‘oh SHIT that’s compelling’ and then left them there as a ‘guess I’ll figure that out when I get to Dean’s story lol’

Originally Dean and Cas were supposed to get together after having their souls bonded, and have been in a UST limbo the entire time before that. Mostly because I think the entire concept of ‘we just got married of the soul I guess we should try dating?’ is very funny. CLEARLY the two of them were way more eager to fall in love than I anticipated (thank you Cas for your honesty) but you can still see shades of this original idea here and there (especially in ch35 of TBAM)

I never intended Dean and Benny to connect so well!! Benny was going to reunite with Andrea, she was going to live, and they were going to go off into the world and leave the story. And, uh, here we are. I’m still debating if I need to adjust the relationship tag or not haha. Polyamory is fun, especially when I was planning for Sam to be the polyamorous brother...

Speaking of, I can’t believe I forgot about Sam and his sexuality! If I rewrote TEA I would have had Sam contemplate more on his lack of sexual appetite due to trauma, up until he meets Benny and he gets to rediscover how he wants to be a sexual person

Many of Sam and Dean’s absolutely stupid sibling conversations were lifted near-verbatim from conversations I’ve had with my siblings

And lastly...

Dem where’s Kevin????????????? Where is our sweet baby boy????????

He’s SAFE!! He’s in the Hunter pipeline somewhere cause Sam handed him off to Bobby’s people. He and his mom are safe and at some point they probably got rib sigils like SalmonDean did against angels, but for demons. I didn’t have room in this story for him!!! But my baby boy is SAFE and I want to get him back to university because it’s WHAT HE DESERVES!!!!

To that point: god there were/are SO many characters that I just didn’t include in the story so far because I didn’t feel comfortable including them without stalling the story for them. To that point: pretty much everyone who is alive/dead in s8 is that way in this story, except Bobby who gets to live.

[Check Out Part 2 for reader questions!]

[the-rad-pineapple]

mercury

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Supernatural fanfiction: Post-canon fix-it fic. After they defeated Chuck, Dean locks himself in his room unable to deal with losing Castiel now that everything is over. Jack lost his powers in the fight against Chuck and follows Dean's example and locks himself in his room, leaving Sam to try and help them get back on their feet.

Words: 11k (first 1k included in this post)

Trigger warning: Thoughts of suicide and alcohol abuse.

The title “mercury” is based off of Imagine Dragons’ new album: Mercury – Act I. This album inspired this story. The chapter titles: Wrecked, It’s Ok, #1, Giants, Easy Come Easy Go, Follow You, and One Day are all songs from the album.

Here's a playlist I made for this fic if you're interested.

And Wrecked totally feels like it was written for Destiel to me.

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ao3

fanfiction

wattpad

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They won, but Dean feels emptier than ever. When they took on Chuck, the fight between him and Jack left them both powerless. It didn’t really feel like winning. Especially since Dean can tell Jack is having a hard time adjusting to being a human. Or whatever he is now. He’s just a kid stuck in an adult’s body. It’s fucked up, and Dean can’t handle it.

He’s managed to push aside all his feelings about Cas when they were still hunting fucking God. They all were. But now it’s over.

Dean felt numb the entire drive back to the bunker. Sam was sitting in the back of the Impala, checking on Jack. Dean didn’t even say a word. It was all too much. When they got back home, Dean locked himself in his room. The second he was alone in the quiet and the stillness of his room with his jacket with Cas’ handprint hanging on his chair, he lost it. It all came crashing down on him. He’s never cried harder.

It’s been days, and Dean’s only left his room to grab booze. His drinking has never been worse, but he doesn’t care. Honestly, the only reasons Dean hasn’t completely given up are Jack and Sam. He can’t off himself after all they’ve been through. And the visual of Sam walking into Dean’s room to find his corpse makes Dean nauseous. He won’t do that to his little brother.

Dean doesn’t even know how Jack is, but he can’t bring himself to go talk to the kid. Then he feels guilty for not checking up on him, so he drinks, and the cycle repeats.

He drinks to empty his mind and numb his feelings. He stares at the handprint on the jacket. The tv is always on to bring some noise into the deafening silence. He can’t stand to be alone one second with his thoughts.

Time has lost all meaning. It’s always been difficult to tell the time in the bunker where’s there’s nothing but hallways and florescent lights, but any last sense of time Dean has is gone. The alcohol has disoriented him enough to mess up his internal clock, and he doesn’t leave his bed. Sam checks on him every once in a while. He brings food, but he doesn’t say anything. Dean is grateful.

Dean is perpetually tired but also too wired to get any restful sleep. He’s created his own personal Hell, and he’s glad. He doesn’t deserve to be happy since he is the literal reason Cas is dead. He doesn’t deserve to be happy, because he has always treated Jack like shit and is continuing to do so. He doesn’t deserve to be happy, because everyone is better without him.

Dean stares hazily at the tv and finishes his beer. They’re running out of booze, and Sam isn’t restocking. He’s doing it on purpose, and Dean resents him for it. Dean tosses the can on the floor, where the rest of the cans and bottles lay. It’s filthy in here and probably smells. Dean can’t make himself care.

The door opens with a low creak. Dean doesn’t look. It’s probably Sam bringing him food. He knows it’s bad, because Sam has been bringing him burgers and milkshakes. He doesn’t deserve it.

There’s a pause, and Dean thinks he might’ve imagined hearing the door open, but then he hears it creak shut. Dean rubs his eyes with a sigh and looks over, expecting to see a plate with a burger on the ground, but Jack is standing there, watching him. One of his hands is on the door as if he’s not sure he’s allowed to be here. The kid is in dinosaur pajamas Dean bought him months ago. His eyes are puffy and blood shot. Parts of his hair are sticking up at jagged angles.

They lock eyes, and tears well up in Jack’s eyes. “I miss him.” Jack’s voice breaks when he says it, and he covers his face with his hands. His shoulders start shaking, and a terrible sob escapes him. Dean is across the room before he even realizes he’s moved.

Dean pulls Jack into a hug, and Jack clings onto Dean like he’s drowning and Dean is his lifeguard. Jack cries into Dean’s shoulder. Dean can feel the tears soaking through his shirt.

“I—” Jack begins then hiccups. He sucks in a shaky breath, but he doesn’t sound any more composed. “I was going to save him. After—” he hiccups again “—after we defeated Chuck I was going to bring him back.”

Dean holds him tighter, tears slipping down his face now.

“I should have done it before,” Jack sobs.

Dean finds himself pressing kisses into Jack’s hair. “Jack,” Dean says. It’s the first word he’s said in days. His voice is rough and ragged. “It’s not your fault.”

“Yes, it is!” He hiccups again. “I—” another hiccup “—I should have—” a third hiccup. The kid’s on the verge of hysteria.

“Okay, shh, shh, just take a minute,” Dean says softly. He rubs Jack’s back with one hand and runs his other through Jack’s hair.

Jack cries, and Dean isn’t sure how long they stay like that. Dean closes his eyes and lets his world become the kid. He blocks out the tv playing in the background. He blocks out the acrid smell of the days-old beer cans on his floor. He focuses on Jack’s warmth and holding him close.

Jack’s breathing finally settles down. He sniffs and swallows. “I don’t want to be here anymore.” Jack says it so quietly Dean almost misses it.

“In my room?”

“No. I don’t want to be alive anymore.”

Dean’s blood runs cold, and he kisses Jack’s head. He knows he should tell Jack not to think that way, but all he does is murmur, “Me either.” It’s probably the worst thing he can say, but he’s just too tired to think of anything else. He doesn’t have it in him to lie and make up some positive bullshit right now.

Jack’s suddenly laughing.

Dean blinks in surprise and pulls back far enough to look at Jack. Jack has tear tracks down his cheeks, and his eyes are even more red and swollen than before. His hair is plastered to his face where he had been leaning against Dean, but he’s laughing.

Jack manages to compose himself for a second and says, “I don’t think Castiel would be very happy with us right now.”

It isn’t funny, but Dean laughs, too. It’s a little hysterical, but Dean can’t stop himself. “No, I don’t think he would.”

They both laugh again, and Dean pulls Jack back into an embrace. They eventually calm down, and Dean closes his eyes again.

“Dean?” Jack asks quietly. It’s tentative, as if Jack is bracing himself for something.

“Yeah?”

“Can…Can I sleep here tonight?” He sounds so small, and Dean is reminded that he is a literal three-year-old.

“Yeah, of course you can.”

Jack sniffles. “Thank you.”

Dean swallows. “You don’t have to ask, you know. You can always come to me.”

“Okay, Dean.”

[writethelifeyouwant]

Dive Bar, Ch. 1/?

Pairing: Dean x OFC (Dany) x Sam (brief), Dean x Sam (eventually)  Rating: 18+ Prompt/Summary: @spnkinkbingo square - Gay Panic (eventually, I don’t know how to write short things, so the gay panic comes later). Dany and Dean hit it off at a bar and Dean is confident it’s a sure thing. But Dean doesn’t know that Dany’s has a dare to complete, and he definitely didn’t imagine his night would end with his pull inviting his little brother to come home with them too.  WC: 3278 Tags: alcohol, cheesy flirting, tags will change next chapter 😉😏🍆 A/N: Okay, let’s be real. Anyone who knows me by now, knows I can’t fucking cut to the chase. Welcome to part one of who knows how many. If you want the smut quickly, I encourage begging 🤣(and so does Sam 😏) Ambience: Really want to set the mood? Welcome to a dive bar in Nowheresville, USA: Playlist and Ambience 

***

Sam told Dean he was crazy for even trying but Dean had a sense about these things; Sam didn’t. He was too considerate. Sam thought the fact she was out with her girlfriends meant she wasn’t interested, she wouldn’t want to be bothered, but Dean knew better. The ones who went up to get the next rounds were the ones who were looking to be bothered. They were separating themselves from the pack on purpose, to give guys the opportunity to pick them up and show them a good time. They wanted to prove to their friends that they were desirable. It wasn’t a bad confidence boost either, even if the guys that came on to them weren’t what they were after. 

So, when the girl with the flirty eyelashes that had been staring over at Sam and Dean’s table for the past half-hour spun off her stool and went to lean against the unpleasantly sticky bar, Dean knew his window had opened. 

“Watch and learn Sammy,” Dean smirked and slapped Sam’s shoulder as he sauntered over to his target, fixing his best smoulder in place. 

The girl felt movement behind her when Dean slid up and motioned to the bartender that he was after another round, and she turned with a coy but almost predatory twitch to her smile. She knew exactly who was behind her. 

“Hi there,” Dean was almost leering at the girl. 

*

Across the room, Sam was resisting the urge to put his head in his hands and pretend he’d never met his brother. This was gonna be a train wreck. At the very least, Dean was about to end up with one of those margaritas the bartender was laying down in front of her thrown in his face. 

Deciding to spare himself the second-hand embarrassment of watching Dean crash and burn with the coed he’d been eyeing since they arrived, Sam let his eyes wander the rest of the bar absentmindedly. He was nursing his second beer of the evening, after pounding back his first one with Dean in their stupid post-hunt ritual. 

It was new, their whole ‘who can down their beer the quickest’ routine. Before Stanford, Sam was lucky if his dad let him split a beer with them after a hunt, let alone chug one. But ever since he and Dean had been back on the road, it was like Dean was trying to make up for a bit of lost time, and things that absolutely smacked of immaturity were becoming part of how they lived their lives. Like how now, after a successful hunt, they always raced to the bottom of the first beer bottle, leaving the loser to buy the rounds for the rest of the night. 

When Dean started it, it was because he figured he obviously had the upper hand. He had years more drinking experience than Sammy, and there was no way the little geek had drunk that much at college.

What Dean didn’t know is that, for a while there, Sam and his friends had gone through a bit of a mental breakdown that manifested itself in endless parties, borderline alcoholism, and a very brief experimentation with some drugs on the ‘gateway’ end of the spectrum. Really, it was Sam’s best friend Brady pushing all of that, but with how he had grown up, Sam felt he was due some kind of breakdown, and it had felt good to let go for a little while. So, when Sam beat Dean in that first chugging contest, it became a whole different ball game. Now every time they did it, Dean was defending his honor. And he defended it about half the time but that night, Sam had won. 

Exhaling quietly in amusement at the absurdity of their routine, Sam spared a glance back towards Dean at the bar. He quickly ducked his head down when he realised Dean and the girl were looking over at him, like Dean was talking about him. Why would you spend time telling the girl you’re trying to bang about your weird kid brother? Maybe she had asked who Dean was there with, just making small talk. 

Yeah, that must be it, Sam thought to himself as he took another swig and realised he’d finished it on the sip before.

Torn between wanting another drink and not wanting to walk into the middle of a Dean Winchester flirt fest, Sam tried to quietly observe his brother again, hoping he would have struck out by now and it would be safe to approach. Peeking out from behind his hair Sam could see them leaning against the high wooden bar quite cozily, and laughing all nice and friendly-like. 

Damn. It looked like Dean was gonna be right about this chick; she was into him. Really, she shouldn’t be surprised. Everyone’s into Dean. And now he was gonna have to sleep in the Impala tonight. For once he’d like to just have a drink with his brother and go home (to the motel) and sleep in his own (motel) bed. Just perfect. 

*

When Dany turned around to acknowledge Dean, who had just sidled up behind her at the bar, she was very pleased with herself. 

Guys are just too simple, she mused. 

“Hi there,” Dean smiled down at her (he was considerably taller, despite her heels), charm turned on full blast. 

“Hey yourself,” she smiled back. She was friendly, but careful not to be too forward. Dean was the kind of guy that felt proud of winning the chase, she could just tell. And considering how forward she was planning on being after she made sure this guy wasn’t an axe-murderer, she figured playing coy for a little wouldn’t hurt. 

“So, this is kind of embarrassing,” Dean leaned down conspiratorially but still had to speak quite loudly to be heard above the noise of the bar. “My brother over there is a little shy.” Dean jerked his head behind him, to indicate where he had left Sam a moment before. 

Taken by surprise, Dany leaned back to look at Sam sitting alone at his high-top, who happened to look over at the two of them at the same time. Sam quickly ducked behind his bangs, trying very hard not to make eye contact. Dany giggled to herself. She had figured this guy was about to chat her up but he was over here asking for his brother who, based on his reaction a second ago, definitely was shy. How cute. 

“And,” Dean continued speaking and pulled Dany back from her thoughts of his shy and cute younger brother, “he wanted me to ask you for your number, so he knows how to get a hold of me tomorrow morning.” 

It took a second, but when the penny dropped Dany burst out laughing. Dean beamed, proud of his choice in pick-up lines, and let Dany get the giggles out of her system. “I know, I’m adorable.” Dean shrugged as if to say ‘what can you do?’ and leant back against the bar, bringing himself closer to Dany’s level. “I’m Dean.” He held out his hand and she took it, still stifling the last of her laughter. 

“Well, let me congratulate you on your originality Dean. I genuinely have not heard that one before.”

“Do I get a prize?” Dean’s eyebrows arched cheekily. 

“I don’t know,” Dany shrugged. “What do I get out of this deal?”

“Sweetheart, you get whatever you want.” 

“How about we start with a drink?” 

“Sure your friends won’t mind me taking up all your time?” 

Dany looked behind her to where she’d left her friends. They were all giggling and looking at her and Dean at the bar but trying to look like they weren’t paying attention to them at all. She shook her head despairingly at how unsubtle they were. Her friends were the worst. But she supposed they had more of a vested interest in how her night went than usual. Tonight was her dare night. 

“I think they can live without me for a little while.” 

*

“Wow, you’re really putting ‘em back sweetheart,” Dean laughed as Dany drained another beer. She was matching him round for round. 

“Well, I came out to have a good time tonight,” Dany shrugged, smiling mischievously. 

“How’s that working out for ya’ so far?”

“I’d say, so far so good, Dean.” 

Dean made finger guns at the empty glasses. “Get you another?” 

“Yeah, thanks,” she grinned as tucked her hair behind her ear. 

Dean rocked up to the bar and motioned to the haggard looking student behind it that he was after refills. When something brushed against his shoulder he jumped, reaching under his jacket until he realised it was just Sam. 

“Hey,” Dean drew out the ‘y’ on the end of his word. “Ma’ man Sam.” Dean smacked Sam’s shoulder and his brother tried to tamp down his bemused grimace. 

“How buzzed are you, dude?”

“Just the right amount Sammy,” Dean grinned wolfishly as he accepted the new beers from the bartender. The kid tried to take Sam’s order but Sam brushed him off. “Woah, you’re not tapping out?” Dean’s concern was almost comical. 

“Yeah, I’m just gonna go back to the motel. Grab some shut eye.” Sam tried to sound sage, like he was making this move because it was the smart, responsible thing to do, and not let on that it was his loneliness driving him home too early for Dean’s approval. 

“No, come on man, I’m not letting you be a sap tonight.” Dean waved over to the bartender for another beer, over Sam's objections. “N- listen. You’re gonna take this beer, bring it over to my table with Dany, and we’re gonna pick you out one of her friends.” Again, Sam tried to protest but there was a cold glass sloshing into his hand and a commanding grip on his shoulder and… he was always gonna follow Dean. “They’re all college chicks Sam. One of them has gotta be geeky enough for you.” 

When Sam got dragged to the edge of the table where Dean had left Dany a moment ago, something felt off. Sure he felt a little awkward becoming the third wheel while Dean sealed the deal on his sleeping arrangements for that evening but that wasn’t what he noticed the most. Dany looked far too happy to have the extra company at the table. Most girls with Dean in their tractor beams didn’t want anyone interfering, he’d been on that end of the stick one too many times to forget how it felt. But Dany was relaxed and smiling, beaming even, when Dean pushed Sam into a chair between them. 

Sam tried to settle into the easy conversation that Dany and Dean were having but he’s too preoccupied trying to suss Dany out to contribute much, despite Dany’s attempts to bring him into the discussion. 

“So Sam, Dean said you were the college goer in your family, what did you study?” Dany sipped her beer with her eyes trained on Sam. 

“Uh, pre-law,” Sam’s answer turned up at the end like a question. He wasn’t questioning what he studied at Stanford but he was questioning Dany’s motives in talking to him. Why wasn’t she just ignoring him and flirting with Dean? 

“Ah, smart guy. Interesting.” 

“What are you studying?” 

“Media and communications. I want to go into news or television.” 

“Well you definitely have the face for it,” Dean cut in smoothly. Dany flushed but she didn’t look embarrassed. She knew what she looked like. 

“Okay captain obvious,” Dany laughed. “You usually try this hard to get girls?”

Sam snorted into his beer, highly amused someone was calling Dean on his shit besides him. 

“Well I’m sitting here drinking with a beautiful woman. I don’t see any reason to pull punches,” Dean grinned. “Speaking of,” he leant forward craftily, “you got any other beautiful friends we can hook him up with?” Dean jerked his thumb towards his little brother. “I feel bad leaving him high and dry for the night.” 

“Dean!” Sam objected loudly, rolling his eyes. Dany just giggled. 

“Yeah I think I can help with that.” She drained her remaining drink and stood up. “Let me grab us one more round.” 

“Sounds great sweetheart,” Dean swatted at her ass as she passed him on the way back to the bar, ignoring Sam’s further objections to Dean’s new-found mission to get him laid. 

“Dude what are you doing?” 

“Helping you!”

“I don’t want your help!”

“Well trust me, you need it.”

“Do not!”

Sam’s objections were cut short when Dany returned with three beers and three shots on a tray; one clear and two amber. Dean reached for the drinks to help her unload. “What are we celebrating sweetheart?” He nodded to the shots. 

“We’ll find out soon,” Dany hedged, without giving up any more details. “So Sam, what’s your type?” 

Sam nearly choked on his beer. “Look Dany, ignore Dean please, I don’t need-” 

“No, come on, I’m invested now. What are you into? Boobs? Ass? Both?” Dany’s questions were curious but clinical. None of the teasing that Dean usually injected into the conversation when he tried to get Sam to open up about his sex life. Something in her tone was compelling. 

“Are we actually having this conversation?” Sam glanced between Dean and Dany astonishedly. “Did you slip something in my drink?” 

Dany laughed at Sam’s attempts to deflect but she could also see something in his face twitch, like his brows tugged up the corners of his lips. Something in him wanted to answer the question, wanted to open up to her. So she pushed. 

“Well?” 

Sam chuckled once ruefully, more to himself. Cracked his neck and settled back in his chair. Dany could tell he’d made up his mind, he was playing now. 

“Both,” Sam smirked. He was invested now too, and he wanted to see where Dany was taking this. Plus, it had been ages since he’d gotten any. 

“Okay,” Dany nodded and processed the information, deciding how that affected her line of questioning. Dean was keeping to himself in his corner, but he was having trouble hiding his grin behind his beer. This was already more than he’d ever been able to tease out of Sam. 

“Okay, so, not specific about body type, what about attitude? Feisty and forward?” Dany leant forward and trailed her finger down Sam’s arm. He smirked. “Or shy, and sweet?” She withdrew her hand, and ducked behind her hair. 

“Okay, why do I feel like I’m getting shut out here?” Dean laughed from his over his drink, not sounding as cocky as he hoped he did. 

“Don’t worry Dean, I’m not letting you go anywhere,” Dany smirked. “I’m just doing what you asked, making sure Sam here is sorted out for the night too.” Dany turned her smile back to Sam. “So which one? You like feeling in charge? Or you like getting a little roughed up like Dean over here?”

Now it was Dean’s turn to choke on his beer. “Excuse me sweetheart, what makes you think-”  

“Come on Dean,” Dany batted her eyes back in his direction. “I know what you’re after. I know you’re a boob man, that’s why you picked me. Your pick up lines and bravado, they’re looking for validation. You’re looking after your little brother, trying to make sure he’s happy, taken care of… you want someone to do the same thing for you.” 

Sam and Dean were both a little speechless. Dany reached past her empty beer and grabbed the shot glass with the clear liquor. 

“You sure you don’t actually study psychology or something?” Sam drained the last of his beer, impressed. 

“I’m not a shrink,” Dany smiled and shrugged. “I’ve just spent some time with some people, I know what to look out for.” 

“So, who are you picking out for me then?” Sam leant forward, now profoundly interested in what Dany may have deduced about what he wants in the bedroom. 

“Come clean time,” Dany knocked back her shot with a grimace and let the courage that came from lower inhibitions bubble up. “My friends and me, we play a game most weeks, pick a dare out of a hat. This week mine… was ‘have a threesome.’” Dany peeked up from behind her hair to look at Dean, who looked like he had just won the lottery. Sam’s expression was cautious. 

“Okay, so who else we taking home with us sweetheart?” Dean rubbed his hands together and turned to look back at Dany’s group of friends.  

“Sam.” Dany answered simply. 

“Which one’s Sam?” Dean was still scanning the group of coeds. 

“Uh Dean, I think she means me…” 

“My dare was a threesome with two guys.” For the first time that evening, Dany’s grin was a little sheepish. “Look I uh- I’m not just doing this because of the dare, it’s not coercion or anything. I wouldn’t be asking you both back if I didn’t want it.” 

Dean hadn’t found his voice yet. He was just staring at Dany, mind clearly running a mile a minute, and resolutely not looking at Sam. Sam, on the other hand, couldn’t take his eyes off Dean. The only recognisable emotion on Sam’s face was the tinge of fear in his eyes, like he was waiting for the bomb to go off, and getting more and more anxious by the second the longer it didn’t. 

“Why don’t I give you guys a minute to talk,” Dany stood up and pushed the shots she had bought towards them, “and I’ll go grab my purse and meet you by the door?” 

“And by ‘you’, you’re speaking in the strictly plural sense?” Sam checked, fingering the whisky in front of him. 

“That’s up to you guys,” Dany smiled and rounded the table, dragging her fingers over Dean’s shoulders on her way back to her friends. That seemed to be enough to jumpstart Dean back into speaking.

“Dude what the hell?” Dean’s voice was so, so close to a squeak, Sam really had to hold in his laughter. 

“What?” Sam was good at poking the bear. 

“What do you mean what? What the fuck?” 

“Yeah, I think that’s what she wants Dean. She wants to fuck.” 

“Yeah with me and my little brother!” Sam could tell Dean wanted to be shouting but he was keeping his voice to a hiss as best he could. 

“Yeah, so?”

“So?!” 

God Dean was so easy to wind up, Sam grinned. “Dean, have you never had a threesome before?” 

“Uh, yeah, of course.” 

“You’re lying,” Sam was astonished. He figured of course Dean would have done this kind of thing before. “You’ve never done one before?” Sam had to double check. 

“What, like you have?” Dean defended angrily. 

“Uh, yeah,” Sam’s grin was an unusual combination of sheepish but proud. “I um- I have actually, yeah.” Sam reached back and rubbed his neck, at a loss of what to do with his hands right now. 

“What the fuck did you do at that college?” 

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me Dean.” 

“Okay, so what, you’re saying you’re okay with this?” 

“I’m saying, there’s a real pretty girl over there by the door that wants to have sex. And she wants it so much, she wants two dicks in the equation.” Sam fixed Dean with a firm, decided stare. And he was pretty sure that Dean’s uncertainty was about to evaporate. Dean finally met Sam’s eyes and Sam saw the fight melt out of him. 

“Son of a bitch,” Dean breathed, then downed his shot.

***

Tags: @negans-lucille-tblr @hawkerz12​ @akshi8278​ @babybrotherandthedemon​ @dylansbabygirl24​ @mineshinamary​ @popsensationnicole23​ @spn-problems​ @donthateme454​  @doyouknowsamw​ @peridottea91​ @delightfulbakeryaliendeputy​ @fictionallemons​

I tagged everyone who liked my ‘announcement’ post. If you want to be tagged or you want me to take you off tags, just lmk!  

[musingsofanunorgainizedmind]

Top 10 Things I Love About Supernatural

It’s been almost half a year since the show ended and now that the dust has settlIed, I just want to list ten reasons I love this show. Despite it’s flaws, it’s been quite the ride.

1. Team Free Will

When I first got the idea to make this list, I originally planned on doing entirely separate entries for “Sam & Dean” and “Destiel”. Except then I wanted to pay tribute to “Sastiel”. And then I wanted to do an entry for “Team Free Dads”. By that point, I was already halfway through the list and I hadn’t even moved on from the main characters. A few months ago, I made a post about why I love every single pairing in this group. Obviously, Sam and Dean are a legendary duo. Obviously, Dean and Cas have an unparalleled story. Obviously, Sam and Cas are an underrated team. As for Team Free Dads, I’ve always had a soft spot for father/mentor figure characters and and all three tackle the role in different ways. I love Jack, too. I love how everyone in this bizarro family is “broken” in some way. We’ve got the Allistair’s prized pupil, the spawn of satan, the boy with demon blood, and the angel who nearly obliterated all of heaven. But they help each other heal by being supportive and seeing the good in each other. They all love each other so deeply and when together, nothing can stand in their way. Not Michael, not Lucifer, and not God himself. They tore up the book and wrote their own story. And it was a pleasure to watch it all unfold.

2. The Suppporting Characters

To list every single supporting character I have loved and lost in this show would take way too long. I don’t know if it’s the writing or acting performances, but I love pretty much every single supporting character on this show. Even villains like Azazel or Allistair are top-notch villains. Hell, I even like characters like Metatron, Lucifer, Mary, and John! Characters like Rufus, Charlie, Crowley, Rowena, Kevin, Ellen, Jo, Bobby, Gabriel, Balthazar, Mick...how am I not supposed to love them??? All of their stories were cut so short. I’d watch a show about any of these characters. The Wayward Sisters were robbed. So many ships were gone too soon (Sam/Rowena, Dean/Jo, Cas/Meg, Etc.). So many heartbreaking deaths. I want to be best friends with all these characters. Why be a “dean-girl” or a “sam-girl” when you can be a garth-girl? A kevin-girl? A claire-girl? A bela-girl? There are so many great characters with interesting and compelling backstories and so much untapped potential. I could go on forever on this, but I digress.This show has one of the best supporting casts I have ever had the pleasure of watching.

3. The Themes

It’s no accident that I got addicted to this show at the time that I did. Namely, my Senior Year of College and 2020. Graduating college and entering the “real world” felt like it’s own sort of apocalypse. 2020 definitely exacerbated my worst tendencies. Messages like “family don’t end in blood”, “you can write your own story”, and “always keep fighting” really resonated with me. I could definitely relate to the feelings of insecurity these character’s felt and the ways they suppressed/repressed their issues instead of facing them. I could relate to the feelings of not fitting in and I could definitely relate to the loneliness. This show helped remind me that I’m not alone. That it’s okay if my values and identity don’t line up with the what I envisioned for myself. And, most importantly, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that I should never give up. If Dean, Sam, and Cas can keep moving forward despite their demons and despite how bad it gets, so can I. Regardless of how the story ended, these themes resonated with me and I’ll still hold them with me. A single episode can’t take that away.

4. The Fun Episodes

This show has so many legendary standalone episodes. Changing Channels. Ghostfacers. The French Mistake. Fan Fiction. Tall Tales. Bad Day at Black Rock. When this show goes for the absurd, it goes all-in. It takes the risks it needs to take, it gets completely insane, and it pulls it off. So many of these episodes could have easily been the moment that the show “jumped the shark”. Yet, time after time, the show delivered on it’s potential. I don’t know how much I can say about these episodes except that they made me laugh out loud, made me fall even harder for these characters, and that they’re the episodes I remember best. If I were to rewatch any episode, it would be one of the fun ones. This show knew how to not take itself too seriously and how to poke fun at itself. I’ve always had a soft spot for shows that can make me laugh and cry (X-Files, Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel, Doctor Who, etc.), and this show definitely nails the fun part. 

5. The Sad Episodes

Death’s Door. Hammer of the Gods. Despair. Carry On. Abandon All Hope. In My Time of Dying. Swan Song. When this show wants you to cry, it doesn’t pull the punches. It gets downright devastating. No character is safe. Literally every character you love will either be forgotten or will die. Or both. The amount of trauma Sam and Dean have to go through is insane. Both have literally been to hell and back. Both have killed countless people, including innocents. When this show decides it wants to wreck you, it’s overwhelming. I sobbed when Bobby died. I sobbed when every single member of Team Free Will died for the final time (I still can’t watch any of those scenes). I still wish Jo, Ellen, Charlie, Kevin, Mick, and Gabriel had been given more time to tell their stories. Being a hunter means a life of endless angst. Being an angel or demon doesn’t get you off the hook, either. I remember going into this show thinking it couldn’t hurt me. My favorite character type is “mentor/father figure”. But holy hell...I don’t think every single sad moment was necessarily good writing, but when it was? Damn. 

6. The Biblical Themes

I’m not a relgious person. But, despite this show being steeped in Christian mythology, it really touched on my feelings about the Old Testament in a profound way. Well, really just Ben Edlund and Robbie Thompson did. I’ve never seen a show really hit the overall feel of the bible the way this show does. The idea of Angels as mystical and terrifying creatures. The idea of God as a flawed father figure with a penchant for wrath. The sheer epicness of the biblical stories. The idea of family members constantly being turned on each other. Cain and Abel. Jacob and Essau. Moses and Ramses. Moses and Aaron. Abraham and Isaac. The bible is full of stories of family drama. This show doesn’t always give angels and demons weight. Sometimes it’s silly and stupid and cheesy. But when it hits right? It’s epic. This is more of a personal thing I love about the show, but definitely a plus!

7. The Music

The early seasons music is so good. I really miss the classic rock of the golden era of the show. I mean, there are still some great musical moments later on, but damn. I loved hearing songs I recognized and I loved learning new songs. I loved when the song and the scene hit perfectly in time (Death’s intro. Cas’s return in Season 13.). Also Supernatural wouldn’t be Supernatural without the ‘Carry On My Wayward Son’ song at the end of every season. Even at the end of a season I didn’t love, that recap would always get me pumped. Also Chuck singing Fare Thee Well? Dean and Lee singing together? Fan Fiction? All great. 

8. The Cast & Crew

I never care about the actors or actresses in a show. I definitely don’t bother with the names of specific writers and directors or their styles of writing/directing. They’re just random people who happen to write for or play these characters I love. They’re not actually the characters. But these guys? Well, for one, I’m pretty sure half this cast actually is their character. At least to some degree. They’re also just...really cool people? Who are all friends? They make a point to do community service, to interact with fans, and to promote positive ideas. Jared’s Always Keep Fighting campaign. Misha and GISH. The fact that they all participate in fundraising opportunities and encourage fan engagement. Do they all have issues? Definitely. Have they said stupid things? Yes. But the good far outweighs the bad. They’re an entertaining bunch whether onscreen or not and I hope they all do well in whatever their future endeavors may be.  

9. The Fandom

I joined this fandom late. To be honest, I thought this fandom was obnoxious before I found myself a part of it. Now that I’ve been in the trenches? It’s got it’s ups and downs like any fandom. There are some parts that are more toxic than others. A lot of people yelling that their opinion is the only opinion. But overall? The good outweighs the bad. And the good? The good is great. Some fanfictions I’ve read are better than actual books I’ve read and just as moving. The fanart? Incredible. I love reading all the metas about random aspects of the show I never would have noticed. I love the music videos and I love the analytical videos. In real life, I’ve made many friends through our mutual love of this show. Hell, even getting sucked into GISH once or twice has given me some solid memories and brought me closer to friends. I wish all fandoms were this much like family. I’m so glad I got to be a part of this fandom and I can’t wait to continue being a fan. After all, nothing ever stays dead in Supernatural.

10. The Chaos & Insanity

Season 16 has been a time. First, Destiel went canon. Then suddenly Sherlock was having a 5th season, Putin was retiring, and Georgia was going blue. Destiel going “canon” and Joe Biden winning the presidency will always be correlated in my mind now. Things in the fandom went from quiet to blaringly loud real fast. Carry On happened. The fandom went into a civil war. I can’t even remember half of what happened in Season 16, but it’s been a wild ride. There’s been ups (my personal favorite being the french dub and the Saileen wedding). There’s been downs (Jared’s controversial statements and the original scripts being leaked). At one point Misha Collins had sex with Bill Clinton???? It’s been a wild time. It’s honestly gotten me through the end of this pandemic. At least it’s entertaining. I would say that at least all the craziness is over, but is it ever really over? Every time I say that something else completely insane happens. But it’s been fun. I’m glad I started watching this show despite my reservations and here’s to whatever happens next.