#oh gosh oh gosh

[fyrerainy]

typos and stuff!! will be pretty in-depth, sorry in advance lmao

@strawbubbysugar hi!! ily!! Here's some stuff I've found. This is gonna seem super rude and if you want me to stop, I'll stop!!

[keep in mind, I'm not an expert, though I have read through a textbook on how to write, edit, and get published. Feel free to discard as much of this criticism as you wish /gen]

When editing a manuscript, the experts say to try and cut 10% of your word count, so be sure to keep that in mind. Anything in your book that you feel icky about, or wasn't worded or written in the best way, needs to be addressed. The first draft was about what you wanted. The final copy will be about what the readers want.

Chapter 1

The key to hooking a reader in is to start with a bang. You want to draw their attention from the first sentence. At the moment, "Busy. Busy busy busy, always so busy," isn't seeming like the optimal use of your first paragraph. It's not making me feel intrigued, or making me want to read more. A chunk of this chapter (or the whole thing) may need to be rewritten.

This sentence is confusing me, it's not very concise. Maybe something like "This place was designed to mimic the unfinished amusement park, which proudly reached several floors above its head," would make it easier on the brain.

moment's

Unsure if 'loaded' is the right word here. Perhaps uploaded would work better?

Also, you can probably get rid of "it was advanced", as it's not needed here.

I'm feeling like this sentence doesn't make a lot of sense. In a nutshell, it's basically "An AI, now holding onto a toddler." It would work better if you exchanged 'a' with 'the', 'and' with 'was'.

Also, "now with one hand holding onto the seam etc" needs to be changed to "holding onto the labelled seam of a toddler's pants with one hand"

I believe this sentence is contradicting itself as you'd just told me that it didn't have straining core muscles, but then said it was straining. You may need to add a sentence or two about how its gears were grinding, and/or its legs shaking to keep it in place.

Also, "...attempt to not drop either child" needs to be "....attempt not to drop either child".

You may want to change the second "calculated" to "found" so you don't repeat words.

It's not a ball pit anymore bubby X3c

This needs to be changed. Either the first sentence needs to be "it caught the little one with time to spare" or "catching the little one with time to spare, the fluid etc etc". If you choose the second option, you'd have to edit the rest of the sentence to avoid it running on.

"The" needs to be lowercase, and ITS needs to be IT'S

Since we've switched focus from Hello to the kids then back, you may want to establish that this is Hello we're referencing when we say 'it'. Maybe, "The robot gently patted"...?

Also, if you want to be super professional and fancy, you could remove one of those question marks. You don't have to tho!

Wrong its! Its (without an apostrophe) is the possessive form of it, so it means “belonging to it.” “The cat ate its food.” It's (with an apostrophe) is a contraction (shortened form) of it is or it has. “It's almost Christmas.”

You repeated the word down twice, maybe change one of them?

Dialogue needs to be in a separate line from the rest of the paragraph.

again, if you want to be fancy you could remove one of these

It needs to be '...with its face "-Hello Lolly!"' bc the '-' needs to be on both sides

The "but only for a moment" could be removed to make the sentence flow more easily.

Aaaaand dialouge needs to be in a seperate line.

*error buzzer noise* wrong its!

Not sure what the "at least" is doing there. Feels like it doesn't fit

from "both children seemed" to "opposite directions" doesn't make sense. Try something like "...end result- they both had a toy and a piece of candy. They ran off in opposite directions."

Again, we're switching focus, so we may want to re-establish that it's the robot we're paying attention to at the end there.

it's a foam pit, silly!

foam, not ball

wrong its!

remember we're not using he/him for Hello yet 🤫

lowercase pronoun after dialouge

not balls! foam! X3

Along doesn't seem quite right. Around, maybe?

New line for dialouge!

"A mischievous grin wormed its"

Needs another gap in between the last two paragraphs

For conciseness, consider "Lukas was, at this point, sticking out his..."

For conciseness, 'for it' could be removed.

Put off from purchasing

pathfind is probably not the right word to use here. Maybe just use find?

that's what it was here for - to play! (new line after this)

golden rule! new line for dialouge! (also the 'it' after luukaass needs to be lowercased)

for conciseness, you could remove "in any bit of it's coding"

the needs to be lowercase

it's not not peaked, it's peeked!

Clarify this is Hello we're talking about with the warning signs

it pronounssss

There's so much more editing to be done (including in this chapter) but this process of screenshotting etc is taking up spoons. Perhaps you could allow me editing access to the manuscript so I can highlight the changes to be made? Or do them for you, if you prefer? /nf

I'm tired QwQ

[applestruda]

THEYRE HERE

[erabu-san]

I enjoyed every second of this quest

[This art has platonic intention. Thank you for not tag ship!]

[kovalitics]

[thewizardhole]

my tavs and their romantic partners

[themetalhiro]

Mixed bag, some re uploaded, some new.

[zzztlk]

Monster Yuri part 3! Except there is no yuri this time, just the horrors. ⚠️ Stronger gore warning for this one !!

[wilkoakdraws]

spider enjoyers unite! spider nonenjoyers observe nervously from safe distance

[noodles-and-tea]

Thoughts on Morgwen?

YESSS!!! 10/10!!! LOVE THEM!!!

[spikeplate]

old ldr doodles under the cut 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶 plus some stuff i COMPLETELY forgot to post from a magma w @cacaocheri )

(Love, Death, and Rollerskates by @spadillelicious )

[fairuzfan]

[livelovecaliforniadreams]

#NicolaQueenOfThePranks

[astraskylark]

And the list keeps growing ✨

[green-crocs12]

really lazy quick sketches of luffy and his parents bc i haven’t posted in forever lol (yes i believe in the crocomom theory) i hc luffy actually looks a lot like crocodile so

also i think dragon would have been a good father

[erabu-san]

I enjoyed every second of this quest This art has platonic intention, please don't tag ship

[epickiya722]

SHE IS JUST SO ADORABLE!!! 😭💫