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aghostsdestiny · 3 years

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An "about" me & my blog in regards to people's opinions

Ive wanted to say something in the tag for some time but didnt want to risk coming off wrong when im still recovering from some medical issues that effect my filters. I dont want to be unfair or make anyone feel unwelcome from any of the positivity messages Ive posted and plan to post (next idea is Destiny themed suicide prevention fanart - NO ONE should unalive themselves, not even assholes; dont get dead, get better! Just keep trying), but a big point is that I been too scared of past bullying to speak up much or even follow anyone so y'all dont really know me yet.

In the name of fairness, as I've mentioned my filters... well, like everyone else I too have the unfortunate habit of thinking "... did we really read the same lore? And THAT was your takeaway??" but thats needlessly hurtful and calling people stupid when they arent; they could have been distracted at the time they read the lore or they just see things differently. Or maybe... it just means too much to them to see it any other way. Maybe they NEED for it to mean something that saves them. Thats NOT "stupid." Thats survival. They found what helps them, thats wonderful!

Maybe theyre wrong about lore meaning, but maybe IM wrong. Yes, i do think they're wrong but they think im wrong and im ok with that, theres no harm in it. Been keeping it to my own lane & mind my own business. Im trying to get better with my filters as well as unlearn some habits, but yes I have months ago made at least one comment here to the effect "uhh... people think THIS about the lore??" and im ashamed of that because its not who i want to be. I prefer to celebrate people not being some robot copy of me. Yes! Please! Have a different thought from me! Just be nice to me about it, is all i ask, and if you're not... well thats saddening, but i hope we can be friendly some day soon.

Thats far from to say im perfect or am trying to be; Im trying to be what makes me happiest, use my creativity in combination with my psychology knowledge to be more gentle with people, and thats not for everyone. Maybe some other people are in a place right now where they have to figuratively beat each other's brains in online to decide if thats who they want to be (as long as everyones a willing participant, etc). While ive always tried to do the right thing, I used to be a bit more abrasive with my opinion years ago in perceived self defense and... maybe i needed to be to get where i am now.

Im at the point in my life where Ive seen enough drama, known irl horrors & experienced legit crippling mental illnesses/disorders that taught me how frail humans can really be; all of which makes me see it as anyone could be gone anyday and if this were my last month alive then i want to be kind before i die. I want to leave good behind. 30 years ago I was a Mr Roger's kid, i grew up & i wanna be "a helper" now, however much by my limited means of small-scale caring without hurting others. I wont save the world or be a firefighter, I'll never be perfect & i dont want to be, but you dont have to be perfect to be kind. Nor do you have to be a doormat (reminder: Mr Rogers legally sued the KKK. And won), but im not sure how to balance that yet so im shrugging issues off for now.

I know Ive rambled, & i apologize. I wont use the read more line because in the past its deleted things. I took time away to give a long thought about the fighting & assess how i really feel, what i really want to put out there & i dont want it glitching out. I... really want people to be nicer to each other in the fandom, its just... im not their parent, babysitter, keeper, nurse or doctor, & i dont know what they need right now. Im not going to tell anyone what to do, regardless of whether theyd listen or not. Its their free will to live how they see fit. I'll tend my lane & they can tend theirs.

But hey. Hey you. You heated people, if youre even reading this... i wish as much good for you as anyone else. Being assertive is tiring (as i well remember lol). Any friendly thing i post is also for you. Take care of yourself, hydrate, do whatever kindnesses you feel inclined to, & best wishes with your life. The positivity isnt JUST for cinnamon rolls, people who dont complain, people with empty block lists, or never been in an argument, etc. Its for you too. Even if you dont care right now, possibly in some "i dont need your stinkin posts" mentality. That might change. Dont ever look at my positivity posts & think that you're excluded. Ever. Everyone on Earth is trying to get better together, & thats our Destiny.

(Yes this is how corny it is in my head, lol, arent you glad i dont normally talk much XD)

#TLDR i just want everyone to be ok and share Destiny stuff #Ofc neoNazis etc unwelcome here but thats a given I'll address later #||#tw suicide mention #destiny 2 #destiny the game #fan talk #destiny discourse

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stcrr · 4 years

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elle fanning. cis female. she/her. ／ lorelei “lorrie” gunther just pulled up blasting which witch by florence + the machine — that song is so them ! you know, for a twenty-three year old musician, i’ve heard they’re really -reclusive, but that they make up for it by being so +observant. if i had to choose three things to describe them, i’d probably say chipped glitter nail polish, a silver gilt mirror, losing yourself in the beat of the music. here’s to hoping they don’t cause too much trouble ! ( ally, 22, est, she/her )

me: i don’t have a type when it comes to muses! also me: unveils this new muse that is also introverted and anxious but this time with more glitter. anyways, meet lorelei, starr to her fans, and lorrie to her friends, an observant girl, gifted mimic, misfit, mirror, and musician. kind of a jem and the holograms/hannah montana/perfect blue hybrid. details under the cut, like for me to hyu to plot !!

(also her pinterest im really proud of it you guys)

statistics.

full name. lorelei amelia gunther. nicknames. lorrie. aliases. starr. occupation. singer-songwriter. age. twenty-three. date of birth. february 1st, 1997. nationality. american. ethnicity. white (austrian and irish). gender | orientation. cis female | queer. hometown. boston, ma. zodiac sign. aquarius sun, scorpio moon, pisces rising career/voice claim. lorde.

height. 5′9 weight. 120lbs build. willowy. distinguishing features. wide eyes, full lips, constant bags, probably has glitter in her hair. health. 7/10; has no major illnesses but eats like shit, has a whack sleep schedule, is a dysfunctional adult basically. she’s also big depressed but you know how it be.

positive traits. ambitious, intuitive, observant, imaginative, independent, neutral traits. talkative, intense, impressionable, negative traits. anxious, avoidant, moody, secretive, resentful, aloof,

likes. the nighttime, storms, baggy clothes, mountains, weed, lsd, books, blanket forts, lying on the floor, singing, cryptids, cemeteries, dislikes. being herself, deadlines, dolls/puppets, the paparazzi, social media, planning ahead, the outdoors, conflict, the beach,

history.

(tw suicide mention, anxiety attack) (tldr at the bottom)

her mother called her lorelei after the sirens of the rhine; she insisted her first cries were the sweetest song. and lorelei continued to have a beautiful voice; she sang more than she spoke. but only at home.

she never responded to lorelei, though, not really; it felt too grand for her. she was a chicken-legged girl who liked overalls and goosebumps books. she was just lorrie.

she grew up in a lower-middle class region of boston, ma. her father was a salesman, and her mother was a travel agent.

for a while, at school, she didn’t speak at all. she was diagnosed with selective mutism at age five, and it took until she was thirteen to overcome it completely.

this was not at all helped by the fact that her parents had a nasty divorce when she was seven years old. her father used her mother’s ten-year-old suicide attempt against her in court to prove she wasn’t stable, and gained full custody of lorelei and her two older brothers. her oldest brother, matthias, sided with their father, but the middle brother, jeremias, sided with their mom, and tried to run away to his mother’s house basically every month. he ran away for good when he was fifteen, living with his girlfriend’s family.

what helped her overcome this selective mutism, at least at first, was her middle school drama class. at home, lorelei had always been an excellent mimic. she did her favorite impressions for her drama teacher, and she encouraged her to try some monologues and scenes. as she got better at acting, she realized that she didn’t have to be herself; she could be somebody else. and that made talking all the easier.

by high school, she was no longer selectively mute, but was still anxious and shy. she was, however, a total drama kid, and still loved to act. she could be outrageous, incredible on stage; she wasn’t being herself, after all, so if people were judging her, it was the character they were judging, not her.

still she was def the kind of girl who had a mental breakdown every four months and dyed/cut her hair/gave herself bangs. she could never quite shake the feeling that she was an outsider looking in, separated, different.

she still loved music, and as she grew older, she started to write songs. it was her secret dream to be a musician. one of her theater friends talked her into singing one of them when she was sixteen, and then encouraged her to try out for the talent show. she was able to get through the audition, though she was a little nervous, but she knew it would be fine. she was on stage all the time, this would be fine.

but this time, she had to be herself in front of the entire school, and she froze up, not a sound leaving her lips. she doesn’t remember leaving the stage; only remembers that suddenly, she was in the girls bathroom, sobbing her eyes out.

her friends comforted her that night, partying in their basement like they always did, but thats when lorrie had an idea. what if she didn’t perform as herself?

that’s when a starr was born.

as lorelei dressed herself up in all the holo and glitter she had, she created starr in her head; she was born beloved, charismatic, fearless, this glitz and glamor girl who had it all, but what now? even at the top, she found emptiness. she was a beautiful supernova, so breathtaking you forgot she was really a collapsing star.

starr was lorrie’s ultimate muse; she wrote song after song for her in the next few months, until, finally, she asked some of her friends to help her record a music video. she didn’t expect this music video to get 60 million views in a matter of weeks.

royals, of course, blew the fuck up, and she had people calling her house to get her to sign with this record company or that record company, and her eventual producer flew her out to la with her dad. and, of course, the rest is history. (her dad also blew a lot of the money she earned as a minor but she got rid of him and that’s neither here nor there.)

however, as she got more and more into the la lifestyle, she began to rely more and more on starr as an alter ego. people liked starr, after all, and lorrie didn’t even like herself. she played the part of the dignified, wise, and eccentric former queen during interviews, when recording, at after parties and award shows.

even her first major relationship she got while acting like starr, someone fearless and fun, basically a manic pixie dream girl. if you’ve ever listened to the album melodrama, then you know how badly that ended.

that’s around when she realized that starr had taken over her entire life. coming home from a house party absolutely zonked, she looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize herself, didn’t see that nerdy, overall-clad chicken-legged girl from her family pictures.

she stripped her clothes off, scraped the makeup off her face until her skin was red and dry, dragged a brush through her hair to get rid of all the product, and pulled on a hoodie and leggings she had brought with her to la a year ago. she wrote the first draft of all the songs in melodrama in the coming hours.

however, she still wrote from starr’s perspective, knew she’d perform it as starr. it may be far more personal, but lorrie wasn’t ready to come out just yet. in fact, she’s kind of been hiding the last year or so, a full-on depression mess.

tl;dr lower middle class nerdy girl from boston overcomes crippling social anxiety through acting, finesses this into an alter ego to be a musician, hits it big, loses herself in the alter ego, has a disastrous relationship, and tries to become herself again.

present.

first of all, her real name is Known to the public, but not her “brand” outside of starr. it’s proven to be a boon as of late; she’s known for basically being a walking sailor moon cosplayer, not a skinny woman in baggy jeans and a big black hoodie.

since she’s trying to work on herself, she’s kind of in a creative slump. like, she still has more than enough royalties off her music to keep her going, but her agent and producer are both pushing her to clean up some of her songs and record them for a new album. she can still write as starr, but it feels... different, now. melodrama was far more personal than pure heroine, and she wants to continue to grow; writing as starr feels like reverting back to her sixteen year old self. but she’s too scared to write as herself So....

at events though she’s still in the gauze and stars people expect from starr.

trying to reach out to her mom and brother jer again. not her dad, fuck her dad.

loves true crime, the supernatural, and conspiracy thought. is probably watching a true crime doc rn.

she’s just starting to leave her house for the first time in like... a year? like she’s only started to get out again in the last few months.

as for drugs, she def drinks, but she’s more likely to smoke weed. also, she’s a big fan of lsd, but holds herself off to only tripping every few months.

is considering moving to the woods and being the lonely crone everyone whispers about. or maybe switching to voice acting.

she fuckin hates dolls. literally her worst nightmare is being trapped in some collectors’ doll rooms.

wanted connections.

melodrama ex (0/1) - the ex she wrote her breakup album about. can be any gender. i literally want this connection so bad kfdskjkadsfds

best friend (0/1) - someone who was with her throughout her... Transformation

squad (0/3) - bc who doesn't love a squad. this is the vibe i’m going for (sound warning)

icon (1/1) - someone lorrie looks up to and like... majorly doesn't wanna disappoint. - filled by kami!!!

musician buddies (0/?) - they bounce lyrics off of each other, you know how it is.

rival pop star (0/1) - idk i just think it would be Neat. maybe even with a plot that they had a major falling out and now they have to pretend to get along.

hookups (0/?) - or other messy shit

texting crush (0/1) - really weird concept but like... i imagine lorrie would have the number or snap or insta or whatever of this muse and they get talking after melodrama and she just... lays it all out. they don't really talk in person, but she feels really close to them and definitely develops a crush

weed buddy (0/1) - they come to her house and smoke and complain its great

friend turned enemy (0/1) - maybe someone who adored starr but doesn't like who she is now?????? idk idk

enemy turned friend (0/1) - maybe someone who thought starr was fake af but then meets lorrie being Herself and is just like "oh you're a Human" idk idk

bonus.

as a thank you for making it to the end of this fucking enormous intro, please take a moment to enjoy these tik toks reflective of lorrie’s personality (they’re also???? great on their own)

lorrie talking/singing to herself alone in her house

honestly she has tinkerbell vibes

drunk mouths speak sober thoughts

and thats on mental illness

#excess:intro #admittedly another novel #also i've been vibing to pure heroine all day and like #im going THROUGH IT #suicide mention tw #anxiety attack tw #drugs tw #also a notice i am not going to be making an open starter since... the event is TOMORROW so #i'll just reply to a few

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hey-hamlet · 5 years

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BNHA AU Ideas : The villain’s little hero

Also on AO3!

TL;DR: All Might, Japan's number 1 villain has a successor. The problem? His successor is a hero hopeful. All Might will stop at nothing to make sure his kid gets to live his dream.

au where all might is a villain raising izuku to be a hero!

quirkless izuku, his backstory is mostly the same

all might decided that hero work had too much red tape. if he was going to take down afo, he needed the freedom to do whatever he had to and he wasnt getting that working within the law

so hes a,,, viilllaaaiinnn?? like. stain. but less murdery, would also save civilians if they were in danger

he has 0 qualms about crippling fake heroes but hes not a fan of murder

nighteye is still his sidekick, he doesnt use his quirk on allmight bc all might h a t e s it

hes kinda on board with "the future is only set in stone because you've seen it now" so he wants the freedom to break fate. but its very useful to get info, so nighteye just uses it on other people

hero to the people villain to literally everyone else

allmights villain costume is reallll similar to his hero costume. just less eye bleeding

he has longer grey hair too.

all mights bronze age costume is basically his villain costume thanks for listening

david shield is still in this story

david agrees w all might and like,,, sneaks him stuff on the downlow

all might told him ab. his quirk because who on earth is gonna believe that one america man about japans worst supervillain?

also melissa is a Soft Young Woman and she is all mights favourite person on this fucking planet until he meets izuku

all might went to ua, only defected after completing his hero training because he wanted to be trained by the people he was going to screw over

izuku has always kinda been a big fan of all might. not openly because hes legally a villain and very much paints himself as one, but his quirk is one of the most amazing things izuku has ever seen

when he looks closer, all might has never let a civilian get hurt once hes been on scene. hes taken hits to protect housing, hes pulled heroes from the line of fire

izuku watches his sports festivals and wonders why? why did all might, the man who happily told the world he'd stop at nothing to keep them safe, suddenly flip sides like that for no reason?

izuku doesnt buy it

izuku's big yellow backpack is a big red one in this universe, hes had it so long its gone pink but he still loves it

the sludge villain

all might saves him and izuku is crying. allmight thinks its because hes scared but izuku just turns to him with this big weepy eye smile and gives him the most genuine thanks he thinks hes ever been given

(its honestly the shock of that that makes him deflate into small might, which has izuku scrambling to find tissues and called an ambulance before he thinks better of calling emergency services for All Might)

izuku is like "Im SO SORRY SIR ARE YOU oK"

and all might is like ",,, b oy"

izuku softly asking

"can,, can i still be someone with out a quirk? can i still make a difference?"

all might doesnt get the chance to anser because there is a massive explosion in the distance

its bakugo!! hes dying

the sludge villain got away bc izuku and all might were chatting a little

izuku hears it and he feels this terrible realization, because its probably not bakugo? but its definitely bakugo because izuku's life is falling to pieces

he sprints towards him and katsuki will n e v e r admit it but he feels hope in that moment because some one is trying to help. even if its just izuku, he wasnt totally left for dead

all might sees this tiny, nervous, quirkless kid run straight up to a villain that almost killed him seconds before to save someone what looks like they'd rather die

and he thinks

"no one deserves one for all more than him"

and allmight, the most wanted villain in japan, maybe the world, jumps in

the heroes look at him and they are scared. if they couldnt take the sludge villain, what is all might going to do to them? but the scariest man in japan, the person parents tell their kids about to stop them from going out at night, blows the sludge villain to tiny pieces and carefully, gently, places the two boys by the heroes

before he vanishes before they can call for backup or even ask why

izuku gets yelled at by the heroes because the heroes are scared and angry they couldnt stop either of the villains and izuku is so overwhelmed that hes crying and he can hardly breathe

bakugo doesnt even yell at him because hes so dazed about everything that happened and he cant make himself yell at this sobbing kid that used to be his friend

(bakugo is holding izukus hand like hes going to crush it but its the only thing keeping izuku present)

izuku is walking home and hes still hicuping and crying because he almost died and the heroes hate him and he feels a hand on his shoulder, and a soft :"its ok now my boy"

he knows its all might but he cant help but hide his face in his shirt and sob

all might gets down so he can look izuku in the eye

"you asked me if you could be someone with out a quirk and i didnt get the chance to answer. my answer? you already are someone. you are someone that inspired me, a villain, to save the day. you are going to be amazing"

and looks him dead in the eye "you'll do amazing things, even with out a quirk. but, you of all people deserve one, and no matter what you chose to do with it, it can be yours. hero, villain or someone in between"

izuku looks at this villain

this painfully thin villain, who just saved his life and who has unimaginable strength

and he throws his arms around his waist and sobs

inko isnt a great mum in this au and she likes to basically pretend izuku doesnt exist

izuku trains a lot and has to make his own food bc his mum just ignores him

he sneaks out at night to clear trash and sneaks back in before dawn to clean the sand from his hair

he smells like saltwater and rust, and he hasnt slept more than 4 hours a night in weeks and katsuki is worried

all might sees him crumbling with a smile stuck on his face and he wants to stop him from self-destructing, but the kid will never learn his lesson until he feels his body give up under what hes doing to it. if all might steps in he'll do it again and again until no one stops him and hes never learnt his limit.

so he waits and he watches while he pretends he cant see the bags under his eyes and pretends that everytime izuku sways on his feet he doesnt feel a jolt of deep panic

did he do this? if he the reason izuku looks like hes falling apart before his eyes?

the kid passes the fuck out and all might tells him off in a soft dad way and izuku cries bc why does this villain care more than his mum does

and all might catches the end of that little mumble, and feels terrible so he pretends he didnt hear and takes him for lunch

they go to a cafe and all might buys izuku the cutest slice of cake and a big ass bowl of katsudon and some fancy fucking tea and covers the kids eyes every time he tries to look at the prices

izuku looks at all might and asks

"are you buying me katsudon with crime money"

and all might looks sheepish and izuku giggles like an idiot and says "dont tell me ill feel bad!!!"

all might grins bc this kid is honestly the only reason he hasnt stabbed a pro hero in a few months bc hes so fucking sweet

he has to carry izuku half the way home bc the kid could barely lift his chopsticks and almost fell asleep in the booth after he finished eating

and allmight, skinny and kinda scary is giving his 15 year old a piggy back and someone says "you're such a good dad!" and he almost coughs up his last lung

izuku mumbles sleepily and hes has the biggest warm and fuzzy feeling and hes going to yell bc hes All Might the No. 1 Villain and this fucking kid is drooling on his sweater but he would die for him

some random stranger on the street commenting on how it was rly fortunate that izuku inherited his adorable smile from his father

all might, abt to burst into tears: whack

allmight is easily flustered even when hes killed a man

he comes home and inko isnt there so he has to like, wake up izuku to get him to open the door and he feels bad bc izuku is a Sleepy Man

izuku mumbles that he cant ever tell if shes at home or not because nothing changes and all might feels a wave of "wait my son isnt being parented enough"

so he makes izuku a cup of tea and tucks him into bed after he has a shower because izuku is His Son Now Inko

hes like

sitting in the living room reading the paper and he hears inko's car and hes like ",,, fuck it im walking out the front door im no coward"

she doesnt even notice and hes going to scream because does she have a brain

inko, spaced out, tired and terrible: oh is the tall man here for izuku :))) thats great :)))

all might is screaming bc"" do you get let weird men into see your tiny son>???? what the fuck???

hes so small inko??? and you?? let random men in?????

all might would yeet her into the sun if he could but his boy needs an actual family member to make going to ua easier

inko is kinda mentally ill. she is depressed and often forgets she has izuku. like shes not always being terrible she just sometimes forget to do basic things

one time she locked izuku out of the house for 10 hours and he had to sleep next to the front door

one month she didnt buy any food so by the end of it he was starving and out of his own money and there was n o t h i n g in the house, but inko would go out to eat every night and lunch and not take her son

allmight is upset bc izuku didnt tell him but izuku is embarrassed. embarrassed that he was forgotten by his own mum, that he couldnt do anything to help her or himself and honestly mad he was so hungry all might noticed bc he didnt want to bug him

it was getting to the point that katsuki actually slipped some change into his bag with a candy bar

#bnha au #bnha #villains hero au #villain all might #all might #midoriya izuku #midoriya #deku #katsuki bakugou #toshinori yagi #yagi #midoriya inko #dadmight #david shield #melissa shield #mha #boku no hero

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concept22 · 5 years

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Today I got a bipolar diagnosis

edit: btw, nobody was injured when i crashed. it was into a light post and nobody was around.

There is confetti everywhere around my room. And I am confused why there is such a mess and why it’s so pretty to me and also why despite seeing beauty in the mess I feel uncomfortable with my space having little shit all over it and I want it to be clean. Today shit hit the fan and the shit was a balloon and when it hit the fan it erupted and confetti flew everywhere. I got a bipolar diagnosis today. After nearly 10 years of clinical diagnoses from major depression, generalized anxiety, ocd tendency, mania, psychosis, to a literal thought disorder called delusional disorder, as well as PTSD, today I heard something that felt like it contains all of me and there is room for me to be me and not feel so confused and like my identity is all over the place depending which disorder is showing it’s face most. I am Cassidy Jean Gardner, and I am bipolar with PTSD. I feel terrified and so confused and Im crying while I write this but the tears feel like a relief a sweet rush of acceptance from and for myself that I have been yearning for for a long, long time. My therapist believes I have mixed manic-depressive bipolar called cyclothymic bipolar, not to be confused with a less “emotionally intense” cyclothymia diagnosis. With my understanding so far, I understand that Bipolar 1 is characterized by more manic tendencies with depressive stints. Bipolar 2 is characterized by more depressive tendencies with hypomanic bursts. The difference between these types of bipolar and the one have been experiencing the spectrum of for the last 2 and a half years years for sure is that BP 1&2 symptoms of mania or depression last several days, weeks, or months. Cyclothymic bipolar experiences of mania and depression can last hours. I have been so confused by my own mind for so long, and like my emotional responses to things were never valid, true, natural, and in my manic times, not even human. I can go from being manic to then coming across something that doesn’t fit my manic ideology and having an extremely depressed, hopeless response, to, sometimes it feels like minutes later, come up with a new “solution” that helps me feel better and relieved of the shame i feel about my manic beliefs and world view that I go right back up there again, and the cycle repeats. Thinking myself in and out of mania it can feel like. The days when I am not crippled or at best, so far, consistently hindered, by the accompanying anxiety of not having much of a sense of emotional normalcy or “neutral” perspective on things are my best days. The days when I am hypomanic, and I decide to scrap everything I’ve been working toward and stop identifying with these things in the name of authenticity libration and creativity, are my favorite right now, and that is hard. because it’s not super helpful to be this way- so passionate and “righteous”- that i throw out the window regard for any sort of routine i have worked hard to establish myself in the name of having “figured out something better”. It’a hard to feel so happy I can’t listen to my rational self because I feel so intoxicated by the feeling of happiness motivation and productivity I so crave. I am not sure what is harder. Being so manic that I become psychotic, completely delusional to the point that I literally believe I am Satan or Lucifer herself and that everything around me is confirming this horrible burden yet somehow “karmic blessing” that I never asked for, the the times when my depression is so bad I sleep for 16 hours of the day, have no motivation to even fathom life becoming better ever, and prefer to dream than live waking, walking life. I have lived in ambivalence for years, and as a coping mechanism I convinced myself I thrived in this arena. I see myself in front of the pendulum that is my mind. Every day it swings and I try to control it. It doesn’t stop swinging. It swings so roughly and rapidly that it flys out of the bars holding it up often. It’s like there is a wind pushing it that is the devil itself tricking me by being “invisible” aka not existing. When it’s on the manic side, I try to grab it and in the process get picked up off the ground and everything around the pendulum gets knocked over in my efforts to hold the pendulum and keep it on the “happy” side. Like the things around me are my life that I’ve built and they will fall as easily as bowling pins. There is no weight to keep them stable when I hit them. The foundation is slippery. On the depressive side, I rush over angry that I wasn’t strong enough to hold things on the manic side and desperately try to push it back toward my “happy” side, but it is so so fucking heavy. and I don’t remember it being that heavy and I cannot believe I ever fathomed loving the pendulum I was clinging to sometimes minutes earlier. Shame guilt self loathing. compared to my visions of grandiosity, of the world revolving around me, of having a sense of self worth and confidence and the courage to claim it and say hey i deserve to feel good about myself. to god how dare I ever think that. I am the most selfish person on the planet the sheer vain and foolishness to believe everything even anything really could possible be about or for me. I like to believe that I am somewhere in the middle. I prefer the hypomanic side, and this is a detriment as well, because i can easily get too high. but the hypomanic can be so... fun. The bits of excessive energy, the slightly inflated sense of self worth, the belief that I can follow my dreams and the ability to use my mind to direct my thoughts toward ways to create strategy to get where I want and build stepping stones. The fear of fallibility. the anxiety that comes with ever feeling good about myself from the ptsd of that abusive relationship and that night especially. I shouldn’t plan, because they will be foiled, if not by me by a man most likely. nowhere is safe, especially not my own mind. thats’s where I perceived love, and oh hasn’t god shown me how powerful that is. being so manic that I confuse the feeling with someone being my soulmate, twin flame, my destiny. telling that person and responding to the rejection emotionally by going psychotic and fully delusional. How afraid I have been to love, of my own love, being truly loved that i don’t feel the need to constantly prove myself, and certainly the idea of ever loving myself for being who I am. In 2016 when I got PTSD and no longer was the “high functioning” “mentally ill” girl I was before, many people treated me like I had fallen from grace and it was my fault. Thank fucking god for the people who have been here for me. So many people took this as an opportunity it felt to slander me. “ha, I knew she wasn’t so wonderful, look how crazy she is. She intentionally crashed her car. who does that?” a person who is so confused with their undiagnosed bipolar and the fact they are going through a manic episode as a response to intense trauma therapy does that. I was told my whole life I was wonderful for being pretty and intelligent, and what a special combination. what a bitch of a “gift”. The two things I was naturally both with and did not earn, my intelligence and my body and my face. What about my humor? What about my ability to be a good friend? What about how hard I work? I was told I should never dare praise myself for these things because I was already “lucky enough” to be praised for the things I never asked for but was given by either genetics or fate- god knows. I have so many feelings. and I’m so grateful to know that I am impulsive. Sure, I’m “spiritually gifted”, but not necessarily everything has to be a blaring call from god or synchronicity that I must act on immediately if I want to see the “right things”, see the world the “right way”, and “be where I am to be”. My perfectionism has nearly killed me. Seeking to be spiritually perfect because I sure has hell was not physically or mentally perfect, I mean, look at those guys and girls more “beautiful”, look at those men and women more “accomplished”. And the brainwashed peers (not their fault) for idolizing me, giving me a sense of power I never fucking sought. Sure. Maybe you can make the argument that my “soul wanted this”, but suffering was never in the deal. and I have suffered. I have been so miserable I didn’t even know how to fathom the energy to put together a plan to kill myself. and thank god for that level of depression, because I didn’t die. because I’m supposed to be here and finally I feel I can make some peace with my singular identity as Me, Cassie. someone who is fun, funny, smart, relatable, bipolar, and so much more. I feel terrified of stigmatization even though I know it’s fucked up that it even exists. At least, I think, with the delusional disorder diagnosis, even though it was similar to a schizophrenic diagnosis just lacking frequency of symptoms, hardly anybody knew what it was. Oh I have a thought disorder and the propensity to think in delusional ways sometimes. NBD tho as u can see I’m perfectly fine :). So many more people know about bipolar. And many have strong opinions. The plus here is that there is more push to end stigmatization and more research into ways to cope manage and accept this diagnosis which I am so thankful for, and more easily accessible community. There was nothing on delusional disorder. It was so uncommon that when my psychiatrist in the rehab told my therapist what my diagnosis was she handed me the DSM to read about it because she didn’t know what it was. Yeah, I went to rehab. Last november (2017) I had a psychotic break, though it was not my first experience with delusion. I became manic as a response to feeling rejected by a guy and it escalated to me hardly sleeping, doing a lot of cocaine and other drugs, and having a full blown psychotic break. I experienced psychosis for 2 and a half months. The first 3 weeks of this stint it was all i could feel or think about. At first it was fun, until it wasn’t. I legitimately thought that there was a secret society the illuminati that had been made to “illuminate” me, that all art had been inspired by me, the energetic muse, lucifer “finally reincarnating” back to earth in the age of aquarius and dawn of immortality, and nobody around me was safe because I was all that was valued by this illuminati and the people who I loved most were in danger because while I loved them most and the illuminati knew this, the illuminati was angry that these people has hurt me, someone who was so impressionable, “born schizophrenic and able to hide it in order to learn about ‘normal society’”, and were responsible for the pain I felt which I handled with negative coping mechanisms like addiction. So it was my job to create worldly and spiritual circumstances to keep them safe from disaster and accident or murder because they all felt so bad about hurting me subconsciously that they had less of a will to live, and this was a dangerous way to think, subconsciously of course. That I was everyone’s higher self in the 4d’s favorite 3d person other than their person, and that they all were working to send me messages from the consciously unaware around me. I was fully out too my mind. I legitimately thought I was lucifer, the most hated person on the planet but god’s favorite angel, ready to ask for entry back into heaven. And the only thing that was me was my fear response to my thoughts and the way I read into everything. no I can’t dare think this this can’t dare be true but somehow everything around me is telling me it is. Literally fuck this. I felt that I needed to be with loved ones constantly to “keep them safe” and I understandably was simultaneously scaring the shit out of my family due to my mental health, and exhausting them. my mom and I both agreed the best thing was for me to go into a treatment center, the rose house. A “dual-diagnosis” rehab that treated mental health and addiction. Cool, well when I got there apparently every single reason I had mental health problems was because I had used substances, not because I had struggled with my mental health since becoming conscious in light of my father passing when i was almost 9 and eventually found drugs as a coping mechanism. I felt shamed for my addiction to marijuana and 100% misunderstood and ostracized. out of the 15 women there all of the girls my age were in primarily for addiction and the only woman who was there for first mental health was an older woman named Kathleen, and she wasn’t an addict. The delusions never stopped I got better at hiding them. I was heavily medicated, afraid, fearing homelessness if i didn’t follow my family wishes to finish the 90 day program, and still pretty insane. After I got my diagnosis I left the treatment the night I got onto “transition” 67 days in and got my phone back, called a friend, and got brought up to fort collins where thank god emma was willing to let me stay with her. Miraculously, the delusions stopped within days. I was no longer so stressed and afraid that I couldn’t think for myself. I was bipolar this entire time. and my mania was “so irrational and unrecognizable” that they didn’t even know to recognize that this was my issue, it was more like I was “almost schizophrenic” without the visual hallucinations or auditory hallucinations. I wasn’t hearing other voices, but the voice in my head wanted me dead just as much as it told me I had a special reason to stay alive. I had a “sane reaction to insane circumstances”, and I temporally lost my mind. and I was petrified and anxiety ridden to the point I couldn’t function for months. I couldn’t make a single decision for weeks without going into full blown panic. I felt like everyone knew something that I didn’t and that they couldn’t tell me what I thought I knew, just give me hints, because otherwise they could be punished and also because they “believed in me”. I felt horribly betrayed while simultaneously fearing abandonment and isolation so much I felt I had developed Stockholm syndrome.

When I experienced full blown psychosis that was so scary, my whole life went to shit. I lost my scholarships. I lost my house in boulder so my family could afford rehab. everything changed while I was in panic and when I “returned” to a “normal” state of mind I couldn’t recognize anything in my own life, even myself. When I was on medication I gained 70 pounds in 2 and a half months. I went into rehab 95 pounds. I was so manic for months, either full blown or hypo, that I would forget to eat. And I was 165 when I left. I hated my life and the months following I was more depressed than I can ever remembered. I relapsed in april. april to september was a mix of drugs and romance that I don’t really care for. When I got sober again, prompted by a really scary night of returning to psychotic thinking which I thankfully learned reality checking skills for, I feel like after 4 almost 5 years of using drugs I was finally ready to stop feeling so out of control, at least with my substance use. Thank god for today, no matter how afraid i am of my future. I am just as hopeful. I have for hate myself for the ways I have treated people in my manic episodes, my family in my depressive episodes, and how I can hardly even remember it. but I do not deserve to feel this hate. I was suffering. I was living in a world I hadn’t found the words to describe. and now I know. That I am beautiful. truly. inside and out. and I have a beautiful mind. I love fiercely. I believe I can make a contribution to help “save the world”. That those who are mentally ill should be hugged tightly when they need it, that schizophrenic people especially, imo, are horribly and unfairly understood and deserve to feel cherished and accepted just as much as anyone else, not to be feared and casted out of society. I believe every single person no matter what deserves to know they are not alone, no matter how lonely they feel, and so much more good. I am not the ugly or the bad. I am a motherfucking survivor. And thank god I didn’t die the day I re-enacted my dad’s car accident. Because I do have a purpose, and it is special. Most importantly, it’s just as special as everyone else’s special purpose. We are all in this together. And I’m excited to find a community of people who have fought similar battles. Who I can laugh about my “a trillion under the sun” delusions with and find humor in the ways my mind sought to preserve a will to live. and how other people have done the same. I am me, and today I became free of my own condemnation. I will struggle, but now I know there is community and resources that I don’t need to scour the earth to find. I have a home, and it is here, proud to be me. There is confetti everywhere around my room. Who knew that balloon I had been so afraid of letting go of was my own attempt to celebrate myself. I may feel late to my own party, but I’m here now. And there is no problem with not wanting my room to always look like a wild rave. I can always make more confetti, anyways :)

To end with some gratitude, thank god for my true friends and my family. Emma has never left my side as my best friend, even in the distance of living in different parts of the state. She is my best fucking friend. My other close best friends as well, who have not been afraid to hug me when I swore to them my entire body was covered in needles. My mom, who has done everything for me to make sure I know I am never truly alone, no matter how much my mind tries to tell me otherwise. For my little brother, for putting up with my craziness and still being willing to love me and laugh with me at the end of the day. Everyone in my life now is so beautiful it’s hard to deny that there may be some beauty in me, too, then, if they all tell me they like when I’m around. I’m grateful to know that my father, who i have idolized though gone now, was whole loved by the people around me. Whose described as “large than life” personality and substance abuse may have been a way to mask bipolar symptoms, was still a loved personality and loved person. This I know. This people have convinced me. and that I am of him just as much as I am of my mother. I’m grateful for the mental health professionals who have not given up on me, even when they required i be medicated in order to be able to be worked with, even when i was misdiagnosed, these people have helped to save my life too. so many times. And I am so grateful for my higher power, for prayer, the only thing that felt safe to think that sometimes I would just repeat the serenity prayer for hours for the sake of at least having a way to direct my anxious energy and not be in panic from my own delusional thoughts. God, who has always shown me that i will never be truly abandoned or given up on, who has helped me understand my higher power as something that is absolutely not punitive. My family and friends have been my lifeboats, and god, the universe, gaia, the god in every person, has shown me how to survive the storm. I am. I desire. I see. and i am free.

This has been such a clusterfuck of emotions coming out that I have been wanting to feel for a long time and as messy as this is i’m grateful as well for the will to sit through this and write about these experiences, no matter the feelings they bring up. Because know I feel free to understand that the feelings will pass, sometimes more quickly than others, and that I can always survive. Even when that’s all I “manage” to do. Today. I stayed sober. I laughed. I put up the christmas tree with my mom and brother. I talked on the phone with my best friend. I told close friends what I learned about myself today. and I got diagnosed with bipolar. and I found a hope and interpretation for my mental narrative that I never felt was right for me because i don’t understand the words for what i was experiencing. I have learned today. And I have grown. and I am smiling as i finish typing this with tears rolling down my face, because I believe I can be happy. Sustainably happy. and sustainably grateful and hopeful when it’s hard to get to feeling the happiness. I believe and I survive. and I become<3 I am 21. I am brilliant. and I am bipolar.

#bipolar #personal #off my chest #very personal #text

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dylanobrienisbatman · 6 years

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oh heyyyy can i please have pirate mechanic and 22?? I'M SO EXCITED

…in a rush of adrenaline.

Raven wasn’t one to be afraid of anything, ever. She was a zero g mechanic, a literal ASTRONAUT, who had been to OUTER SPACE in nothing more than a space suit, for fucks sake. She’d been sky diving, bungee jumping, zip lining, she used to go bouldering off the sides of mountains for fun before she got hurt and her leg wouldn’t let her. She was an adrenaline junkie, to put it mildly, but the one thing she never, ever did, was ride a motorcycle. Everything else, every other insane crazy thing she did, there was a modicum of safety to it. In space, everyone was trained to know exactly what to do, and everything was tested to perfection before she went. Sure it was dangerous, but it was all SCIENCE. She wasn’t afraid of science. Sky diving and bungee jumping and zip lining were SAFE, they had to be for people to be able to pay to do it as excursions. Normal average people could go bungee jumping on vacation. Bouldering was a little risky, but she never went high enough that she could have DIED from the fall, maybe gotten pretty hurt, but she went with friends, and knew the safety rules. Motorcycles though? There was nothing safe about that. In a fast car, you had some kind of buffer, some level of protection from seatbelts and airbags, but on a motorcycle you had nothing. You were out in the open, strapped to nothing, a helmet and some leather if you were smart, flying down the road. When she saw motorcycles weaving in and out of cars on the freeway, she scoffed, and hoped she wouldn’t see them being scraped off the road with a shovel later. She assumed no smart person would ever put themselves in that kind of danger.

And then she met Ezekiel Shaw.

Zeke used to be an Air Force Pilot, and then he was a scientist for NASA. He worked on the crafts on the ground that she worked on in space, and was damn good at it, though she’d never tell him that. He was brilliant, the first person she ever met who could match wits with her day in, day out. And Zeke Shaw rode his Harley into work. Every. Single. Day.

She scolded him for it when they first met, spouting statistics about deaths by motorcycle at him from memory, but he just smirked, waved her off, called her a “fraidy-cat” (yes, he used that exact phrase. He wasn’t catholic anymore, but he had been raised that way, and never swore, ever), and tugged his helmet on, roaring away out of the parking lot while she climbed into her car.

Her relationship with Zeke was a complex one. On the one hand, he was her friend, a great friend, a confidant who she bounced ideas off of and worked well with, her equal in brains and wit. On the other hand, he was delicious to look at and Raven wanted to jump his bones. This combination made the fact that he rode that stupid motorcycle very troubling to her, and it took a toll on her mental state. She got in the habit of calling him around the time she knew he’d be home every day, under the guise of wanting to talk about work or some new theory she was studying, but really she was just checking to make sure he made it home every day, alive. She always offered to swing by and pick him up when they would make plans, even though it was well out of her way, because the idea of him getting on that bike to come see her and then becoming road burn in the process made her sick to her stomach, but he always turned her down, and always showed up in one piece.

They had known each other about a year and 3 months, when the universe conspired against her.

She had called Zeke to see if he wanted to come into work with her on a Sunday and help her run a simulation she had been tossing around, and he lept at the chance, like always. He had been helping her write the simulation, and plan the program for almost two months, and she knew he’d want to see it through. It was pouring rain, so she offered him a ride, as always, and he turned her down, as always, showing up to work at the same time as she did even though she knew he lived an extra 15 minutes further away. They spent the whole Sunday in the lab, downing espresso shots from the bosses machine in her office and running and re-running the simulation, ordering thai takeout while they tried to get it perfect. It was late, almost 9pm, when they finally called it a day, and headed out the door, walked into the parking lot, and Raven realised she had left her lights on all day long. She tried to start her car twice, but she knew she would need a jump and there was no one around , the lab was almost 10 miles from town. She thought about calling a tow, but calling a tow for a jump seemed stupid, there would be people at the office tomorrow who could give her a jump, and she was halfway through trying to price out an Uber when Zeke shoved a helmet in front of her face.

“Come on Reyes, you’re really gonna pay for an Uber when I can just take you home myself?”

“No way. No way in hell am i getting on that deathtrap.” She kept typing in her address.

“You’ll have to get one back in the morning too, and you know its like… 30 bucks both ways. Thats $60 you could avoid by just strapping on this helmet and letting me take you home.”

“No way!! I dont care how much it costs, im so not doing that.”

“Look. I know you think its unsafe, but the rain stopped at like noon, the roads are bone dry, and I promise ill go slow.” He had this twinkle in his eye that was very distracting, and the sight of him holding that helmet, leaning against the hood of her car, was doing funny things to her stomach. She glared at him.

“Do you kn-“

“do you know how many people die on those things every day?” He raised his voice a bit, to a squeaky annoying pitch, and had to jump away when she smacked at him.

“The only reason you got away is because im a cripple.” She snarked, and he laughed. “Yeah sure, blame the leg.” He said, dancing a little further away, and then coming in close, holding the helmet out. “You can pay for that Uber if you want, but I promise, I wont let anything happen to you.” She eyed him, and the bike, wary.

“Come on Reyes, you ride up into space on a ship i work on.” His voice was all teasing, but there was something else dancing behind his eyes. “Don’t you trust me, Raven?”

He barely ever used her first name, but his sincerity was like a gut punch. He was standing really close now, just enough space for the helmet between them. Finally, she took a deep breath, shut her eyes, and grabbed the helmet in both hands.

“If we die on this damn bike, I’m going to spend our entire afterlife beating your ass.” She said, pulling it down over her head, walking over to the bike.

He sat down on the front, popping the kick stand and sliding forward enough for her to fit. He pulled out a small metal bar that had been hidden in the bike, on her right side. She knew she looked shocked, and even though he couldn’t see it through the helmet, he knew anyway.

“I was always hoping i’d get you on this thing, so i added a place for you to put your leg, since i know you can’t keep it bent for so long.” She couldn’t see his face either, and she thought maybe that was a good thing. She slid onto the bike, behind him, and propped her leg up on the stand, wrapping her arms around his solid middle.

“Remember. If we die. Perpetual ghost world ass kicking.” She called, as the bike roared to life, vibrating underneath her. He laughed, nodding, and they took off.

The speed of it was unreal, the wind whipping all her clothes and the hair that was coming out of the bottom of her helmet, and she held on tighter as the sped up. He zipped down the roads, taking every turn with ease, and even though she knew he had to be going slower than he normally did, her heart rate was a million beats a minute and she could feel her adrenaline rushing through her body. She squeezed him again, and he took one hand off the bike for a second to squeeze her forearm, to reassure her. She kept her head on his shoulder, and somehow keeping her eyes open was better than closed, so she just watched as the trees zipped by, and headlights from other cars came in and out of view. The longer they rode, the more comfortable she got, and soon it was just a rush of adrenaline, and she could feel herself loosening up, smiling, until she finally sat back a little, keeping herself still firmly around his waist, and whooped into the night air. He turned his head, and she couldn’t see his face but she knew he was laughing at her, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. The ride took about 20 minutes, and when they pulled into her complex parking lot, her heart rate wouldn’t quit. He popped the kick stand on his bike, and they pulled off their helmets. He got off first, and helped her off, and maybe it was the adrenaline, maybe it was the blood rushing through her ears, or maybe it was just him, close and tall and grinning ear to ear, but something came over her.

“See, Reyes, told you you wo-“

She cut him off with her lips, throwing her arms around his neck, running her fingers over his scalp and pulling him down to her, kissing him hard. He was frozen in shock for a second, but then he responded with ferocity. He opened his mouth to her, letting her tongue slide across his teeth, and wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her into the air and spinning her around. When he set her back on solid ground, and they broke the kiss, she tucked her face into his chest, holding him close.

“If you say I told you so, I’ll never kiss you again.” She muttered into his chest.

“Does that mean if i DON’T say it, you will kiss me again?” The hopeful tilt to his voice got her to look up, and his eyes were bright, a smile threatening to break his cheeks. She leaned up, pressing a kiss into his cheek.

“So I’ll definitely need that ride in the morning.” She whispered, into his ear, close and intentionally low.

“Yeah,” he said, failing at nonchalant, “what time should i swing by.”

She smirked up at him, taking him by the hand, leading him towards the door of her building.

“I’d say just whenever we wake up is good.” He tugged her back in for a kiss, quick and easy. The adrenaline was still rushing in her ears as she tugged him into her apartment, towards her room, but she wasn’t sure it was from the motorcycle anymore.

#Pirate mechanic #modern au #zaven #kiss prompt #zeke x raven #the 100 #zaven fanfiction #raven reyes #zeke shaw #the 100 fanfiction #prompt response #my writing #fanfic

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skeletonmaster69 · 4 years

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makin dnd-but-not aus for all universes now so heres one for the aarons(should i start calling them the found and lost gang? i dont really want to though... calling them the aarons is more fun) First, i cannot see erin as anything other than an aasimar. which honestly makes no sense with how his “wtf is happening to me aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa” storyline goes but ill figure it out. maybe he was like half/quarter aasimar but didnt know it and didnt really have any aasimar traits and then one day encounters something or other that unlocks those aasimar traits? Idk. it doesnt have to work in actual dnd since this is just an au loosely based on the fantasy stuff from dnd so yeah. He’s also a sorcerer, with some mix of the celestial, stormborn, and solar bloodline. though if i had to choose his main on its probably celestial(cuz aasimar). he’s only level 1 cuz he hasnt had his magic very long but would probably level up pretty quickly and be able to catch up with the others.

aaron is a human ranger. how special and interesting of her. Shes level 4, her chosen combat style is two weapon combat and she has a cat animal companion named Sourdough. Lived in a little house in the forest with her totally just a best friend arin until Plot Happened.

arin is a half elf druid. again, how original. also level 4, and has a dog animal companion named Fern. Fun Fact: Arin and Aaron named eachothers animal companions. which is Very CuteTM. but they arent gay i promise they are totally completely platonic best friends who lived alone in the woods together(I am joking they are a little gay)

Erryn is either a dhampir or a tiefling! probably a tiefling honestly. u wanna know why? Well 1. tieflings have horns, erryn has antlers, close enough to the same thing. 2. hehehehheh tiefling x aasimar 3. shunned from society and finally 4. unlike with aasimar where they seem to always be born that way, tieflings arent! I have proof! This image is taken straight from that one site with pretty much all pathfinder information ever

SOMETIMES LATER IN LIFE. BOOM. i am very cool :) anyways, hes got 2 levels in fighter and one in spellscar oracle. His curse is scrouge.

airen is a human level 4 wizard! hes got a blue ringed octopus familiar thats named spot but he never calls the octopus that infront of other people and pretends hes completely indifferent toward it but he really really loves spot. hes in the enchantment school

erina is a kitsune! Though just like erin and erryn she wasn’t born one. all three of those guys were born human. she has a level in plant witch with a centipede familiar named lilac and 3 levels in rogue. also, in this au she is not evil, shes a solid true neutral! thats because while in the main universe the apocalypse killing all her friends and family kinda broke her a little bit, but that didnt happen in this! So instead shes just a person trying to be nice but whos really mischievious and ends up kinda manipulative sometimes. so maybe shed fit better as chaotic good but she doesnt really wanna break any rules and shes not that good at being good so neutral fits i think.

aerin is a drow! Which is Very Unfun for them, as they have crippling anxiety and depression. Level 4 monk, wouldnt be any kind of class at all but their adoptive parents said it might calm them down a little. It did not. Atleast they can kick stuff now though. i really should make an au where aerin isnt in situations that constantly worsen their mental illness, but that wouldnt be very fun, would it.

finally, aron is a human oracle with the ancestor mystery. her curse is clouded vision But Worse cuz hes just completely blind. level 4 like everyone else. i dont really have anything else to add since im still working on arons character in the main universe so yeah..

erin aaron and arin(And eventually erryn) are all in the same party

airen, erina, aerin, aron, and erryn are also all in the same party

They are Rivals but its kinda an unfair rivalry for awhile since erin’s party has two less members than airens party for awhile and erin is only level 1.

erin erryn and erina all got their Magic Stuff from the same accident. I am still working out what that accident was but either A. some deity got angry, a city suffered the consequences, B. uh oh cultists fucked up a ritual, or C. it was actually deliberate and Someone is trying to bring more magic into a world that probably cant handle it. its probably b tbh. Still deciding if they were the only ones close enough to be effected, everyone else near the accident died, or theres a whole bunch of new nonhumans in an area but itll probably be a mix of all three. Erryn and Erina were already in their party at that point so they were trying to protect the others and get people away, meanwhile erin was just alone and Very Confused. he ran away from the accident unlike the other two so hes still a little human? but probably becomes full aasimar as hes exposed to more magic stuff.

#IM DONE #I CAN CLOSE THE DND TABS AND NOT BE ANNOYED AT HAVING TOO MANY THINGS OPEN AT ONCE ANYMORE #I DONT NEED TO SUFFER ANYMORE #IM SO HAPPY

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mordcore · 2 years

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i am so confused too because where i live "cripple" (german: krüppel) has been widely recliamed for YEARS and no one bats an eye if anyone says it in any context. except if its like meant to be derogatory @ physically disabled people.

yall. reclaiming can also mean to rid a word of its negative connotations. one of my friend groups like to throw "psycho" around. i have been psychotic. i think its a great idea. it's not an insult anymore, in that context. one guy is called alex (many people with that name around here) and since he's the only on who studies psychology we call him psycho-alex. that's all that means. "crazy" ("verrückt") is another word equally reclaimed in all my friend groups. it's not a bad thing. it probably means more to those who are mentally ill or nd (not sure that i know anyone who isnt..) but it's a value-neutral term and thats how it SHOULD be. gatekeeping who gets to reclaim a slur based on identity or whatever is Not going to help destigmatize both the word and what its referring to.

of course reclaiming has to be on terms of the affected people but its just baffling to see people be like "its MY slur you dont get to use it" like why are you trying to hard to keep its connotations. like yes. someone saying any of these words with a lot of derogatory is Bad. but whats bad is always the derogatory and the attitudes behind it.

of course these things are slightly more nebulous and nuanced than drawing lines in the sand for who gets to say what word. but maybe the oversimplified way isnt always the one that works best. just a thought. :^)

#my 10 cents on this discourse because i am SICK of it #cripple discourse #disc horse #my stuff #yes ive had brekafast i feel much better <4 #cripplepunk discourse

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hgfstreamchats · 6 years

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The Christmas Tree Strikes Back

Welcome to the 'highglossfinish' room. caffienatedconfetti: hello pitiful beings of the mortal realm caffienatedconfetti: i have arrived caffienatedconfetti: what is the christmas tree movie tho? caffienatedconfetti: wait am i late caffienatedconfetti: *** Knock Out: Right on time! caffienatedconfetti: AH Knock Out: Oh, you'll see what the Christmas tree movie is. caffienatedconfetti: what is the christmas tree movie, plz explain Starscream: Right on time to get your audials ruined. Knock Out: You're welcome. caffienatedconfetti: what thenightetc: Wow caffienatedconfetti: oh dear

thenightetc: Is the audio all... scratchy for anyone else? caffienatedconfetti: same caffienatedconfetti: no caffienatedconfetti: NO caffienatedconfetti: NOT THIS MOVIE, NO caffienatedconfetti: NO NO NO caffienatedconfetti: YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME thenightetc: hahahahah! Knock Out: Oh yes! caffienatedconfetti: YOU MONSTER caffienatedconfetti: PLEASE GOD Knock Out: "Named Christmas" caffienatedconfetti: ....what caffienatedconfetti: okay i had imaginary friends when i was small but i didn't ever talk to trees thenightetc: That's not so much an imaginary friend as an imaginary parent caffienatedconfetti: oh god the demons caffienatedconfetti: *slow nod* caffienatedconfetti: the most apathetic man caffienatedconfetti: are you sure he isnt a robot Knock Out: Father Sadface isn't coming back. caffienatedconfetti: come children follow meANOTHERTHING caffienatedconfetti: blinkblink caffienatedconfetti: blinkblinkblink caffienatedconfetti: smiiiiiile caffienatedconfetti: HIVE MIND Knock Out: At Tirstmas. Starscream: Horrible little gremlins. caffienatedconfetti: he's a very 'special' girl caffienatedconfetti: OH GOD caffienatedconfetti: THEIR FACES caffienatedconfetti: teleporting dog caffienatedconfetti: what is that sound effect caffienatedconfetti: decorate her with the corpses of her brethren Knock Out: She's already fueled by rage. A little more can't hurt. Starscream: There can never be enough rage, apparently. caffienatedconfetti: """"special feeling"""" caffienatedconfetti: so christmas isn't in the winter.....??? caffienatedconfetti: is christmastime a season thenightetc: Maybe they're Australian. Knock Out: Of course it is. Like Smarch. thenightetc: And, uh, getting some very unseasonal snow. caffienatedconfetti: they sure say 'the children' a lot Starscream: It's because they don't have designations. caffienatedconfetti: these are orphans lady Knock Out: "The reindeer have names, unlike you." caffienatedconfetti: this music oh god caffienatedconfetti: i thought this was a kids mive caffienatedconfetti: *movie Starscream: Is there murder in this movie. thenightetc: Eventually, yeah. Sort of. thenightetc: ...At least, as far as I remember. caffienatedconfetti: yeah there is caffienatedconfetti: .....fast fingers.....???? Knock Out: Oh Unicron. Starscream: Okay good. Knock Out: I like how everyone has cataracts. Very attractive. Knock Out: ...Why does she have a fur coat? Starscream: A concerning attraction Starscream: Because its cold? Knock Out: I'm just saying, if she can afford furs, you'd think she'd be able to afford better accomodations. Knock Out: Or at least some Christmas shoes for the children to eat. Starscream: From what i've seen, everything is more important than 'the children' Starscream: This is absolutely painful to watch Knock Out: Isn't it just? caffienatedconfetti: their voices are painful Starscream: i hope you're enjoying our suffering thenightetc: "Look, it's only a few inches away!" Knock Out: Oh, I am! Starscream: of course caffienatedconfetti: end me caffienatedconfetti: YES caffienatedconfetti: EAT THEM caffienatedconfetti: EAT THE DEMON CHILDREN Starscreamapillar: Oh good, I haven't entirely missed out on the horror. Knock Out: It's the only part worth seeing, really. caffienatedconfetti: WHERE DID HE COME FROM thenightetc: "the snow took her" Knock Out: I always forget she plummets off a cliff. Starscream: Then why did we have to endure the begining Knock Out: What an excellent question! Starscreamapillar: I feel as though even if I'd been here, this stil wouldn't make sense. Starscream: it doesnt Starscream: dont look too much into it caffienatedconfetti: THAT NOISE caffienatedconfetti: OH GOD MURDER caffienatedconfetti: MRS. HOPEWELLL KILLLED HER Starscreamapillar: . . . Santa lightning. Why not. Starscream: im glad not all earth trees are like that caffienatedconfetti: BOQW BEFORE THE TREE OF DEATH Starscreamapillar: Then they all died of radiation poisoning. caffienatedconfetti: OHOOHHO thenightetc: ...I forgot how santa actually showed up caffienatedconfetti: what was with that 5 seconds of santa thenightetc: with the kid Knock Out: Mrs. Hopewell got the blood sacrifice she always wished for. Merry Christmas to all. Starscreamapillar: She lived. Pity. caffienatedconfetti: she lived???? Knock Out: I mean, she needs help feeding and clothing herself, so... caffienatedconfetti: im getting the hell out of here thenightetc: I was sure she'd died caffienatedconfetti: ive been scarred Starscreamapillar: "Good" now. Knock Out: They gave her a ball. caffienatedconfetti: "you always win when you are good" Knock Out: She likes to bounce it. thenightetc: Wow. Starscreamapillar: So that's why the Autobots always win. They're 'good'. Knock Out: Well, I subjected you all to that and I have no more viewing material queued up. Suggestions? caffienatedconfetti: there is no way more than two or three people orked on this movie caffienatedconfetti: im going to bed' Starscreamapillar: What sort of suggesstions do you have in mind? caffienatedconfetti: thanks for the mental scars Starscream: something to clense the palate of this horrible nightmare caffienatedconfetti: if i may, before i leave, suggest the grinch caffienatedconfetti: because it's the grinch Knock Out: I've no objections to the grinch. caffienatedconfetti: goood caffienatedconfetti: ill see mrs hopewelll in my dreams tonight' caffienatedconfetti: goodbye Knock Out: She'll be there, feeding on your dreams. Starscream: thanks, i hate it Knock Out: No other suggestions? Starscreamapillar: I am not opposed to this Grinch thing. Knock Out: The grinch it is. Starscream: a relatable world view if there ever was one Starscreamapillar: Though stealing a whole holiday seems impractical. Starscream: not if you steal it and make it about you Starscream: Starscream day does sound nice Starscreamapillar: Is it really stolen then, or just overwritten? Starscream: both Knock Out: Just looking at the Whos, I know I don't want them to have anything they enjoy. Starscreamapillar: They are abominations. thenightetc: The guy lives all the way up on a mountain and he can still hear them. They're the WORST neighbors. thenightetc: IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS. THAT'S THE REASON. Starscream: that sounds like a medical problem Starscreamapillar: Missiles would solve his problem. Knock Out: As would fire. Starscream: no thats too humane thenightetc: Maybe a nice avalanche. Knock Out: It would look like an accident. Starscreamapillar: If you kill them all, then there's no need to make it look accidental. thenightetc: Exactly. You can just enjoy the peace and quiet. Knock Out: The only eyes on you would be your diety, and I find it hard to believe any loving diety could prefer the Whos alive. Starscreamapillar: That was the least practical way to deliver a single strawberry. Knock Out: Loud, materialistic, AND wasteful. thenightetc: Did that child have antennae? Starscream: if anything, you should get an award for disposing of them Knock Out: Perhaps some kind of statue. Starscream: ... yes Starscream: statues are always recommended thenightetc: I feel sorry for the dog, though. Starscreamapillar: He's allowed Christmas to ruin his only curtain. Knock Out: I like his stylish sewing machine. thenightetc: My grandmother had one of those. Starscreamapillar: The Grinch's cave is surprisingly well furnished. Knock Out: He'd have a charmed life if it weren't for the Whos. thenightetc: Again: poor dog Starscream: you can't skip luxury, even if you are a Christmas hating green being Knock Out: Here's to that. Starscreamapillar: The father from Gremlins should have learned to navigate a chimney from this grinch. Knock Out: Hah! Knock Out: Oh! I know what we're watching after this. Starscreamapillar: Yes? Knock Out: It features otters. Starscreamapillar: That is less illuminating than I'd hoped. Knock Out: They live in crippling poverty. It's a charmer. thenightetc: See? Antennae Starscreamapillar: Excellent. Starscreamapillar: How did that girl not notice that everything but the tree was gone? Starscream: i wanna know how he fits all of that in those bags Starscreamapillar: The magic of the montage. Knock Out: I would have preferred an "avalanche the Whos" montage, but this works. thenightetc: That is absolutely how trees work; they fold right up like umbrellas Starscreamapillar: The special is certainly lacking the Christmas murder one wants. thenightetc: he's TWO MILES away and can still hear them all. Knock Out: You really don't see enough murder in holiday specials. thenightetc: They are nightmare neighbors Starscream: you really dont Starscreamapillar: It's a pity. Starscreamapillar: Another terrible radioactive Christmas glow. Knock Out: They intend to dump it in the Grinch's yard afterwards. Knock Out: They don't know he's responsible; it's just the kind of neighbors they are. thenightetc: Ha! Starscreamapillar: *Snrk* Starscreamapillar: And just like that, he forgot that he hated them because of their noise, instead of materialism? thenightetc: Apparently! Starscream: yes but why Starscreamapillar: Radiation poisoning causing brain tumours. Knock Out: Unicron forbid they go without their floof. Starscreamapillar: There wasn't even a santa in that universe. So why dress like it to break into the houses? thenightetc: Maybe there is a santa, and he did something to the Grinch secretly. thenightetc: y'know, christmas magic Knock Out: Christmas something or other. Starscreamapillar: Are they wailing about a dead woman's bathing suit? Knock Out: Alright, this is the cut version. Knock Out: Let me find it uncut. Starscreamapillar: Of course. thenightetc: Should we be worried? Knock Out: No, but it's worth it for that moment alone. Knock Out: Well, that and the killing spree ending. Starscreamapillar: I'm looking forward to the killing spree. Knock Out: Alright, I can't find it, but she says "...Fall off the dock." thenightetc: Pffff. Starscreamapillar: Shame that was cut. thenightetc: ...Ouch thenightetc: They just finished talking about how they have no money, though. Starscreamapillar: The species dynamics here are confusing. Starscreamapillar: Did this father also die in the chimney? Knock Out: Yes. Starscreamapillar: He's an otter. Thin ice shouldn't be an issue. Knock Out: I'm not okay with the way they walk. thenightetc: You'd think. Starscreamapillar: It's all about the materialism. thenightetc: ...Does he know what a down payment is? Knock Out: It's also not occuring to him that he could sing instead of destroying their livelihood. Knock Out: Unlike him. Starscreamapillar: They are not brilliant animals. Starscreamapillar: Those legs are terribly unsettling. thenightetc: Yeah, that's uncanny Knock Out: Terrible little flaccid nub legs. Starscreamapillar: He took his chances, and -died-. Knock Out: I'm legitimately curious to know how he died. It was probably funny. Starscreamapillar: Perhaps he didn't die. He just pretended, and ran off with a younger, prettier otter. Knock Out: And a son that can walk normally. thenightetc: The two of them could do a duet, as opposed to the kid splitting the prize with three other people. Starscreamapillar: Or perhaps that snooty fox ate him. Knock Out: He takes after his father, clearly. thenightetc: goddamnit Starscreamapillar: They're both morons. Discuss your plans. thenightetc: No kidding! Knock Out: Congratulations, you sound awful. Starscreamapillar: Just terrible. Starscreamapillar: Were they so bad they broke the movie? Knock Out: "They both starved, the end." Knock Out: Let me find a full version. Knock Out: There we are. The thrilling conclusion. thenightetc: "what if you don't" "well I HAVE to now" Knock Out: Emmett's going to have to do something unfortunate on the street corner to pay for crust money. Knock Out: Merry Christmas, Emmett. Knock Out: I like the weasel in drag. Starscreamapillar: Why do some of them have tails, and some do not? thenightetc: you taunted murphy Starscreamapillar: . . . . Starscreamapillar: Well, I know what will be in my nightmares for a while. Knock Out: Likewise. Knock Out: A duet with her dimwitted son probably would have won. Starscreamapillar: Likely. thenightetc: And now they're competing against each other! thenightetc: And ruined the washtub for no reason. Knock Out: Which can't be fixed, even if they win. Knock Out: By the Allspark, why did they think this would win? Starscreamapillar: Because they're stupid children animal puppets? Knock Out: That's it. thenightetc: *sigh* Knock Out: A snake is playing guitar. They deserve to win. thenightetc: Is this going to go over well with the judges Knock Out: And the fish isn't doing anything but making a mess. Starscreamapillar: Perhaps the judges will be threatened into giving them the win. Knock Out: The fish is Smokescreen. Starscreamapillar: And of course, the awful puppets liked that. thenightetc: I really can't see why. Starscreamapillar: They don't actually have ears. Knock Out: "Well, when you say it out loud, it sounds stupid." Knock Out: You raised an idiot son that doesn't know how much pianos cost or what down payments are. thenightetc: "It must be the hypothermia setting in" Starscreamapillar: They're taking those other boys home to eat them. Since they have no money for food, or washtub to continue having a job. thenightetc: I can't believe the judges voted for the hooligans who'd been wrecking everything Knock Out: Apart from the mother otter, it was the only other act that came across as giving a slag. Starscreamapillar: They only know the one song. thenightetc: Hopefully they'll learn some more. Starscreamapillar: I was promised a killing spree. Where's my killing spree? Knock Out: And don't gamble this new livelihood away on magic beans. Knock Out: It's an offscreen killing spree. You just know it's inevitable. Knock Out: And that's that thenightetc: It sure was. Starscreamapillar: I feel appropriately traumatized. Thank you for hosting, as always. Knock Out: Thank *you* for coming, as always! Starscreamapillar: Until next time! thenightetc: Yes, thanks for hosting! It was fun. thenightetc: and goodnight! Knock Out: To you too!

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