#or the despair they would cause would be more specific to those two

[aparticularbandit]

Okay but also.

I can't remember if I've posted this or not already but.

I don't think Mikan chose Ibuki at random, and I don't think it had anything to do with how gullible the Despair Disease made her.

I think it had everything to do with what Ibuki was doing through that entire chapter prior to getting the disease and what Mikan's goal was.

Nagito states that Mikan's goal wasn't hope but despair - Mikan was trying to cause more despair.

Ibuki, throughout the entire chapter prior to getting the disease, was trying to give everyone hope. She set up the beach fireworks. She set up the dance. She set up her rock show. She was trying, as much as she could, to inspire hope and encourage everyone.

Removing Ibuki as a constant source of attempted hope - especially after she'd been giving so much hope - is the murder that would cause the most despair.

Once she got the disease, once she decided to kill someone to cause despair, Ibuki was the obvious answer.

[missmatchablossom]

summary: you finally got hired to work as a teacher for your dream school, jujutsu high. everything was perfect until you ran into gojo satoru, your first love and heartbreak.

a/n: angst + fluff, female reader. this is the first time I've written a story more on the angsty side, so please let me know if you like it : ) I was feeling angsty after listening to eternal sunshine and bam this story suddenly came to me

tags: @kenqki @sad-darksoul

~

When you caught a glance at that familiar shade of blue, you froze. That specific hue was a color you avoided at all costs, the color of heartbreak and dreams you never followed.

He looked at you, and suddenly you were 18 again. It was simultaneously the best and worse year of your life; the year you fell in love with Satoru, and the year he left you. 

Your heartbeat felt sickening in your own chest as he walked towards you, his eyes widened and jaw slacked as if he were in a trance. Like he hadn’t expected to see you again.

It’s not like you thought you’d see him again either. You had told yourself that even if you did, it wouldn’t hurt, because you’d moved on. It had been years since you gave up on him, so you should be feeling nothing as your first love came to a halt in front of you, gazing at you as if you were the only thing that mattered to him.

It didn’t feel like nothing, though. It felt a whole like despair, relief, and joy warring with each other, causing your fingertips to tremble as if your body couldn’t decide which emotion to settle on.

“Long time no see, Gojo,” you said, attempting to offer a warm smile. Though the tremulous note to your voice must have betrayed how you were truly feeling.

He frowned ever so slightly when you said his name, like he wasn’t used to you calling him by his last name. It was formal and cold - when things between you two used to be anything but. 

“You’re here,” he said, though it sounded like he was saying it to himself rather than talking to you. 

“Ah, Gojo. I see you’ve met our newest hire. She’ll be working with your students for the summer, I imagine you two will be working together closely,” the principal said. But Gojo wasn’t looking at him. You still felt the heavy weight of his gaze, like he was scared you’d disappear if he looked away.

“Why don’t you two grab lunch together? Gojo can catch you up on his students,” the principal said. So why did your body go rigid at his harmless suggestion?

“Sorry, I have to make a phone call during lunch! Gojo, feel free to email me any details I need to know,” you said quickly, smiling before you darted towards the courtyard.

You cursed yourself for running away, like a coward. What was there to be afraid of? He was someone you loved years ago, and time washed away any lingering feelings you had for him…right? 

At least that’s what you’d always told yourself. But maybe deep down, you feared some of those feelings would never go away. And that they’d definitely resurface if you let yourself be near him, if you let yourself remember how much he used to mean to you. How badly he hurt you.

You shook your head, hoping the crisp morning air would wash some sense into you. This position was your dream job, and you weren’t gonna let your past demons take that away from you. You could be civil, you could work with him like the mature adult you were. It would be okay.

~

“I wonder if our new teach would tell me where she gets her lipgloss?” Nobara asked aloud, walking in step with Yuji and Megumi as they filed out of the classroom.

“She’s really pretty,” Yuji said, smiling cheesily. It was a buzz amongst all the students actually, how beautiful the newest teacher was. The students warmed up to her quickly, captivated by her knowledge and how easy she was to talk to. 

“Gojo always looks like he’s in a trance whenever he sees her,” Megumi said, making his two companions snap their attention to him.

“Do you think they’re dating?!” Nobara nearly yelled, her eyes widening comically.

“Maybe not. They both look kinda sad when they look at each other and they think the other person isn’t looking,” Megumi noted, looking deep in thought.

“Woah, you’re so observant. Maybe they’re exes, I heard they knew each other when they were younger,” Yuji said.

“Eh? No way sensei could pull someone like her,” Nobara said.

~

Two weeks have passed since you began teaching, and you loved it. Plus, you’d managed to have as minimal contact with Gojo as possible. Things would be fine after all.

You stepped into the teacher’s lounge, eager to grab your bag and head back home now that the day was over. But your bag wasn’t on the hook where you usually hung it up. When you turned around however, Gojo was leaning against the doorframe, taking up nearly the entire frame.

“Can I help you with something, Gojo?” you asked politely, willing your heart to settle down at his proximity.

“Can we talk?” he asked, and there it was again. The inexplicable feeling that swarmed your senses whenever you heard the sound of his voice, no matter what he was saying. Your traitorous body responded to it no matter how much you told it not to.

“Um, tomorrow might be better during our free period! I’m actually looking for my…” you began, stopping your sentence as Gojo used two fingers to effortlessly lift your heavy bag.

“I’ll give this back to you when you agree to have dinner with me. Tonight,” he said, flashing a boyish smile at you that was oh so painfully familiar. 

“You can’t be serious,” you said, crossing your arms as Gojo took another step towards you. He was so close, and much taller than you remembered. He seemed to take up the entirety of the room you were in, making it harder to breathe and think clearly.

“I thought you knew me better than that, tea. I absolutely am,” he drawled, and the butterflies in your stomach swarmed at the mention of his old nickname for you. Hearing it used to fill you with love and light, because he began calling you the endearment after learning how much you adored tea. He’d often show up at your door with your favorite drinks, happily indulging in your obsession. 

You blinked the memory away, refocusing your gaze back to the man in front of you. 

“This isn’t funny,” you said, reaching towards your bag. He lifted it up and out of your reach easily.

“What isn’t funny is how you’ve been avoiding me since you got here. Why can you barely look me in the eye?” he said, the slight hurt in his voice hitting your heart. Your eyes darted around the room in a panic before you answered.

“Can you really blame me? We don’t have the best history,” you said, your voice coming off harsher than you intended. 

“That’s what I want to clear up. Just hear me out this once, please,” he said, his tone softening as he spoke. You hated it, how quickly you could feel yourself giving into him. After a beat of silence, you spoke.

“Just this once,” you murmured, your voice barely above a whisper. 

There it was. That familiar, triumphant upturn of his lips. 

~

You second guessed your choice as you walked towards Gojo’s car - a sleek, navy luxury car you remember he’d gotten for his 18th birthday. But there was no way he didn’t have other cars by now, so you couldn’t help but wonder if he picked this car today on purpose.

He swiftly opened the door to the passenger seat, allowing you to slip in before he slid into the drivers seat.

There was something undeniably intimate about being alone in the car with him. Being in such close quarters meant you could smell the cologne clinging to his skin, the minty remnants of the mints he always carried with him. You felt bespelled watching his long fingers wrap around the wheel, blushing as he wrapped his arm around your headrest and leaned towards you to look behind him as he backed out of the spot. 

A memory flooded towards you. Of a freshly 18-year old Gojo excitedly picking you up in his shiny new car, nearly getting you into a car crash as he carelessly spun the wheel in his excitement. You’d given him a firm talking to about him being careful, and he smiled at you sheepishly before he walked you to get ice cream. 

The sound of buttons clicking pulled you from your reverie. You watched wordlessly as Gojo set the seat warmer to the lowest setting and turned the ac up to 71, the exact settings you used to switch them to whenever you were his passenger princess.

“Is that still how you like it?” he asked, casting you a quick sideways glance before returning his eyes to the road. You wondered if you imagined the hopeful note to his voice.

“Yes,” you answered quietly. 

Oh , I definitely still like it, you thought, eyes roaming across Gojo’s figure as he drove. His seat was leaned back to make room for his long legs, and he kept one hand on the wheel as he drove with the elegant ease he must’ve developed in your time apart. It was stupid, how attracted you still were to him.

You didn’t miss the way Gojo glanced at you ogling him, the corner of his lip tipping up like it so pleased him.

~

You followed Gojo into a gorgeous restaurant that you were undoubtedly underdressed for. A smartly dressed man greeted the two of you immediately, leading you to a table right in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows. It offered you a gorgeous view of the skyline, the soft glow of the sunset making the silverware sparkle. 

You couldn’t help but look around in confusion at the quietness of the restaurant - save for the nice host, you were the only ones there.

“I booked out the place for the night. So we could catch up in peace,” Gojo said easily, as if that were something normal to do. You couldn’t say you were too surprised though, as he had the same penchant for spending and the fortune to back it since he was younger.

“Of course you did,” you said, shaking your head as you smiled to yourself.

Gojo leaned forward in his seat, studying you like you just performed magic.

“I’ve missed that smile of yours,” he said softly. It wasn’t fair, the way the last bits of sunshine of the day lit up the gold  flecks in his eyes. The way his hair nearly shone silver, making him look otherworldly as he told you he missed you. 

“I don’t know what to say to you, Gojo,” you said, forcing neutrality into your tone. But as soon as you spoke the words, you could hear how sad they sounded.

“Do you hate me?” he asked, sounding like his younger self once more. 

You met his eyes, releasing a deep breath as you did your best to offer a smile.

“I don’t think I could ever hate you,” you admitted, watching the way his shoulders eased ever so slightly.

“But you hurt me,” you said, voice barely above a whisper.

“I was ready to stick out long distance when you moved away. You stopped answering my calls, responding to my letters. I tried reaching you for months before I gave up, Gojo. There was no goodbye, no explanation. What was I supposed to think? How do you expect me to greet you with a smile now as if nothing happened?” you said, your voice cracking towards the end. 

“I know we were 18 and stupid, but I…” 

I loved you. You were everything to me. And no matter how much time had past, how much you dated around, no one ever compared to you.

You shook your head, unable to get the words out.

It would forever be fresh in your mind, the day you found out Gojo was being shipped off to a different country by his stupid family to train. 

The devastation was overwhelming. You curled up in your room, crying into your pillow as Gojo sat silently on the edge of your bed.

“Do you really have to go?” you sniffed, though it didn’t sound like that, with your throat clogged with tears.

Gojo laid beside you, pulling your back to his chest as he held you and buried his face in your hair.

“I don’t have a choice, tea. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his voice breaking off at the end. You turned around, wrapping your arms around him as he held you brusingly tight. You rubbed his back as you felt his tears hit your shoulder.

After the cry you both needed, you faced each other silently, as if you were committing each other to memory.

“I won’t give up on us. I’ll call you everyday to bug the hell out of you,” he said, giving you the first lopsided smile of the night.

“For how long, though?” you said sadly, feeling the hope leeching out of you with each word you said aloud.

“For as long as it takes for me to become the strongest. And for you to become the teacher you’ve always wanted to be. I’ll come back for you,” he promised, lacing his long fingers through yours. There was hope alight in those eyes of his, convincing your own hope to stay.

“You promise?” you asked, sounding so much more like a young child than you wished.

“I promise.” he said, and you kissed him then. There was something so magnetic about him, the type of person that made you want to believe anything was possible. But you hadn’t known that would be the last time you kissed.

You had no way of knowing that your boyfriend would keep up with his promise for a month, and then suddenly leave you with nothing. He stopped responding to your letters, stopped his calls, stopped reminding you how much he loved you. The only time you ever heard about him was when the news featured his growing talents.

The sound of Gojo’s voice ripped you away from the memory.

“You have every right to be upset with me,” he began, his cerulean eyes betraying his grief.

“Was there someone else?” you asked before you could think better, cursing yourself.

“No,” he said forcefully, wincing like it hurt him for you to think that.

“There was never anyone else. Never,” he said, and you couldn’t help the relief flooding your chest.

“They got in my head about you. Convinced me that I was holding you back, that you could never focus on school enough to become a teacher good enough to teach at Jujutsu High if you were in a long distance relationship with me. I thought I was doing what was best for you,” he said, his voice low and regretful as he spoke. 

The man across from you blurred as tears filled your vision. You spent months agonizing over the possible reasons he would abandon your relationship, and your young, heartbroken self was convinced it had something to do with you. That he found someone, and suddenly you weren't his cup of tea anymore. Never did it cross your mind that he thought he was doing you a favor by ghosting you.

“God, Gojo. Why didn’t you just talk to me?” you cried, doing nothing to mask the grief in your voice. 

“I knew you’d tell me that it was incredibly stupid of me. And I know it was now, but back then I thought it would be easier if I made the choice for you. You deserved to have your full focus on pursuing teaching,” he said solemnly, lifting a hand towards your face as if he were going to wipe your tears, but laying his hand back down like he thought against it.

“You’re right, that was incredibly stupid of you,” you said, heaving a deep breath as your swiped the last of your tears.

“But I get why you did it. I just wish you would’ve included me in that choice, because you know what I thought? I thought if you could discard me, discard us that easily, that I must’ve not meant as much to you as you meant to me. That you didn’t love me as much as I loved you,” you said shakily, a single traitorous tear falling down your cheek.

Your emotions overwhelmed you as you saw his eyes begin to shine with unshed tears - a sight that hurt you as much as it did when you were both 18.

“I never stopped loving you,” he said, his voice hushed as he made the confession.

It felt like you were no longer in your own body as emotions assaulted you all at once. Happiness, relief, confusion, devastation. They warred with each other, and you didn’t know if the burst of nerves you were feeling was panic or excitement.

“You don’t mean that. Maybe you still love who I was when I was 18, but things are different now. I’m different,” you said, watching as Gojo shook his head softly.

“You’re right. You have become even more beautiful than I remember,” he began, and you knew you had lost. This wasn’t a game, but somehow you still lost.

“I’ve seen the way you work with the kids. I’m in awe of how confident and capable you’ve become. But I’ve also seen what hasn’t changed,” he said, leaning towards you with the light back in his eyes.

“Your tenacity. Your kindness. Your intelligence. Your drive. The way your eyes light up when you teach, the way you see the best in people. That’s how I fell in love with you, and I know thats still there,” he said, looking at you with the kind of reverence you forgot existed.

You closed your eyes as you failed at calming your thunderous heart. 

“I can’t do this, Gojo. I can’t put myself in a position to be hurt by you again,” you said, casting your eyes down in your lap. You couldn’t bear to see defeat in his eyes.

You jolted as you felt the soothing, painfully familiar touch of his hand over yours. 

“Look at me,” he pleaded softly, coaxing your eyes back towards his. When you met them again, they were filled with warmth, and you believed it. That he still loved you.

“You don’t owe me anything. I’ll stay out of your way if that’s what you want. But I’m not taking back what I said. I’ve loved you since before you were mine. And I always will.” He finished you off by lifting your hand to his lips, a gesture you were still a used to be a sucker for.

~

In the days that followed, Gojo consumed your every thought. It didn’t help that you worked so closely, and it especially didn’t help to see how good he was with the students. He goofed around with them more than a normal teacher would, but he taught them earnestly. No matter how much they complained about his antics, you could tell your students loved him.

It also didn’t help when he began leaving your favorite milk tea on your desk before the start of every school day, earning you a “wow teach, you must really love that tea shop,” comment from Yuji.

It was slightly embarrassing, but you couldn’t deny how much it brightened your day to see that cup of tea sitting on your desk, knowing how much Gojo still thought of you. And it didn’t stop at tea.

Over the course of the next month, your favorite flowers began showing up with your tea. Sometimes, instead of flowers it was your favorite candy. Gojo never lingered around to hand them to you himself, just giving you sweet smiles and waves whenever you locked eyes. You knew it was his way of giving you space to choose, and no matter how cheesy it was, it was working.

~

It was about 3 months after that dinner that you found yourself sitting with the principal for your quarterly one-on-one. You were pleased to hear the praises of your work and the positive feedback he’d received from students regarding you, but something in particular he said had you shaken up.

“I knew you and Gojo would work well together. You both had very moving reasons for wanting to teach here,” he said casually.

“Moving reasons?” you pressed, feeling like you were on the verge of something.

“Oh, yes. I was highly impressed by your years of dedication and experience, you were an obvious choice. But Gojo didn’t have much teaching experience when I hired him, it was really his reason for teaching that sold me on him,” he answered. And you didn’t know why, but your pulse grew uncomfortably quick.

“He told me that teaching helped him feel close to someone he loved. And that person taught him how powerful a good teacher could be,” the principal said. There was a beat of silence, followed by the screeching sound your chair made and you sat up suddenly. You apologized and excused yourself, rushing towards a certain office door.

Your movements were too quick for your thoughts to catch up. You just knew you had to see him.

He wasn’t in his office. Not in his classroom, not in the teacher’s lounge. That sickening panic began invading your senses, reminding you that it wasn’t the first time you desperately searched for Gojo and couldn’t find him.

But you pushed past it and kept walking. You walked until you reached the outer edge of campus, spotting a flash of silver hair atop a hill that overlooked the school. 

You ran towards it like your life depended on it, huffing and puffing until you finally locked gazes with the most beautiful eyes you have ever seen. Though the eyes that normally regarded you with warmth were unusually widened with concern as Gojo ran towards you.

“Hey, whats going on-”

“Why did you become a teacher?” you said, struggling to catch your breath. Gojo looked stunned for a second, staring at you silently as he waited for you to continue.

“Why did you decide to work for Jujutsu High, out of all the high schools in Japan?” you continued, watching as his expression turned pensive. But his eyes shone with all the words he’d yet to say.

“I didn’t intend on becoming a teacher. I just gave it a shot one day, because I knew how passionate you were about it. And I loved it,” he said, staring out wistfully towards the lecture halls.

“As for why I picked Jujutsu High,” he began, turning his body towards you again. He walked to you, stopping until there was barely a step of space between your bodies. 

“I picked it because I knew this was your dream school to work at. I hoped I would see you again if I worked here,” he admitted, smiling sadly. You shook your head in disbelief.

“This was my dream school when I was 18. What if I changed my mind and worked somewhere else? What if I didn’t even become a teacher?” you said frantically, searching for a crack in his resolve.

Gojo reached out, cupping your cheek in his hand. You had no choice but to tilt your head up to meet his, feeling new emotions flooding you at the look in his eyes.

“Doesn’t matter. The thought of seeing you again is what has kept me going all these years. Even if I mean nothing to you now,” he breathed, removing his hand from your cheek. He stepped away from you, giving you the space you realized you no longer wanted.

You didn’t know if you wanted to laugh or cry at this new revelation. But you did know one thing; you wanted Gojo Satoru. You wanted another shot with him.

Before you could talk yourself out of it, you launched yourself at him, wrapping your arms around him tightly and burying your face into his chest. He smelled like mint and summer and everything good with the world as his arms immediately came up to hold you to him.

He released a shaky breath as he held you, like he couldn’t believe he’d get to do it again.

“Of course you still mean something to me,” you whispered through tears you didn’t realize you were shedding. Gojo gently pulled back from your hug, capturing both your face between his hands. He swiped his thumbs gently against your tears, that reverent, warm gaze back in those eyes of his.

“What should I make of that, tea?” he asked, tucking an errant strand of hair behind your ear. You realized how much you missed his touch, how you’ve longed to feel his smooth, porcelain skin against yours again.

“You’re gonna have to work reallyyyy hard if you want me to fall in love with you again,” you said, smiling as his eyes widened and his jaw slacked.

Liar. It wouldn’t take much at all.

“You’re giving me another chance?” he said incredulously. You nodded shyly, smiling as Gojo awarded you with the most brilliant, heart-stopping smile. The kind that crinkled his eyes at the corners, the kind that stretched his cheeks, the kind that you had no choice but to mirror.

The breath left your body as Gojo lifted you up by your hips, swinging you around in a circle like the last scene of a Disney movie where the prince and princess reunited. 

It felt like a weight was released from your shoulders as he spun you around, the two of you laughing like teenagers again.

“Thank you,” he whispered, pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head.

~

“They have to be dating, there’s no way they’re not!” Nobara exclaimed, walking to get food with the other first years after class.

“Gojo sensei follows her around like a puppy. I could actually see hearts in his eyes when he looks at her! I swore I even heard her call him Toru,” Yuji said, him and Nobara nodding to each other intently.

“Maybe. Our new teacher has been looking really happy lately,” Megumi said.

[lieslab]

Daddy issues

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Pairing: Chan X gn reader

Summary: A simple phone call from your father and Chan's added anger makes you mentally crumble.

Genre: Angst & comfort/hurt

Word Count: 7.3K

Trigger warning: Parental issues, (specifically daddy issues) emotional abuse and neglect, physical abuse, a bit of an unhealthy romantic relationship, anger, self-hatred, blood, self-harm, mentions and attempt of suicide via razor blade, and a panic attack.

A/N: Even without the request, I feel like this has been a long time coming. Please heed the trigger warnings. Please. Shout out to all the baddies out there with parental issues. Shout out to all the Chan stans with daddy issues. You're so strong, keep going, I believe in all of you <3

Requestee, I hope this leaves you satisfied. I don't think you ever said you were struggling, but just by this, it seems you are. I hope this helps you cope with whatever struggles you either have had or currently are facing in life.

I did change a few things around to fit the story more, but most of it's the same. I think I got everything you wanted in there, besides those few minor changes. I also experimented with time jumps which is new, but I think they were needed for this one. This is a long one, so buckle up and please enjoy!! <3

_ _ _

The words are thrown around without much thought. Daddy issues this and mommy issues that. People wear them like a badge of honor. Always seeking out other people that can fill the gaps that their parents left behind. Searching for temporary band-aids to cover wounds that need stitches to heal. 

Everyone wants to be perfect. Nobody wants to admit that the people who were supposed to love them the most fucked them up the worst. Nobody ever wants to admit that their nurture was ripped away before they ever got it. Cruelty swaddled them instead of sweetness. Neglect and despair instead of encouragement and understanding. Some people were doomed from the start. 

At twenty-two years old, you understood that your daddy issues were a noose around your neck, they were always there. A poking twine that pressed against your windpipe and jugular. All it took was a few words and the noose tightened. It was suffocating, it was restricting, and it was paralyzing. 

There was a devil and an angel on each shoulder. One was angry and smoldering. Smoke bellowed out of its ears and it was always ready to snap. The other was an angel, sweet and soft-spoken, constantly reassuring you that you had it better than most. Of course you did because, at least, you had a dad, right? 

Any dysfunctional relationship could cause a rocky conscience. You swore you were doomed from the start. You’d never fall in love. Nobody would be able to care about you in the way you wanted them to. At least, it was like that until Bang Chan. 

When Chan came into your life, you fell hard. You didn’t get a chance to stand before your knees were jerked out beneath you. He was strong, he was charming, he was dominating, and he was everything you wanted him to be. 

Being older meant he had more wisdom and more life experience. He was soaked with the knowledge that you craved. He understood you, he got you, and heading towards his later twenties, he was hesitant when you showed up. While you turned twenty-five, he’d be thirty. 

You didn’t let that stop you from wowing him. From caring about him with every fiber of your being, you would have given up everything to appease him and more. Hell, if he experienced organ failure, you’d cut yourself open without a second thought and rip it from your insides with a smile on your face. You were down bad, but your issues were still there. 

You were aware of them when you seeked out his validation. When you kept asking if he was sure he still loved you. You couldn’t shake everything that your father had ingrained in you, but you were still so desperate to fill that void. 

Some would say it’s weird, but you would say that you needed him to survive. You needed him. He was the air in your lungs and the familiar thump of your heart. You needed him as much as plants needed the sun. Like the Earth needed the moon and like bees needed pollen. You called it destiny whereas a few of your family members called it desperation, but they didn’t understand it. They just…didn’t get it. They had no idea what you had been through. They didn’t understand the gaping wounds that had yet to be stapled, but Chan got it instantly. 

He realized it after you swayed the conversation in another direction at the mention of your family. He knew it when fathers were brought up and the hurt flashed across your eyes. He knew it when you clung to him like a koala with fear and asked for clarification on his thoughts about you. 

You were damaged and he knew that. He didn’t mind because everyone had their issues and besides, at the end of the day, he still loved you as you were. He was thrilled to wrap his arms around you when you curled around him and point out everything he loves about you. 

From the squish of your soft cheeks, the curve of your nose, the shade of your eyes, and the way you dress, he loved it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly, he gave the relationship his all; you both did. No matter how much the guys joked that he was a silver fox, he always rolled his eyes and shook off their comments. They were just joking and he knew that deep down, the guys cared about you too. 

He knew a lot about you, but he didn’t realize just how much these issues bothered you. He didn’t realize that you were nearly suffocating yourself. Out of all the things he knew, he had no idea how much you silently suffered until you snapped. 

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

The day started a lot like any other day. You went to work and by the time you finished, you found a text message from Chan announcing that he’d be at the studio later tonight. It was one of those days where the creative juices were overflowing and he wanted to get everything worked out before he forgot. 

You didn’t mind it and started to head home, but then you thought about the dimpled smile and sparkly eyes of Chan. God, you were utterly smitten. With a quick change of direction, you found yourself heading towards the JYP studio instead of your apartment. 

Give or take twenty minutes and you were walking into your second home. The JYP building truly has become your home away from home. You came here a lot to support Chan and the guys. It was strange having an extra person along, but eventually, they grew used to your antics. 

The guys accepted you with open arms and when you came around, they got excited. Sometimes you brought presents, like cookies. Other times, just your brief distraction sidetracked them from their ongoing issues. That temporary change of direction helped them sort out their issues quicker. 

You checked in at the front desk and pulled on your guest badge. It was a new system that the company had been doing after a sasaeng had managed to gain access to the building. If you were found roaming the halls without a pass or a security badge, you were instantly booted unless you could properly explain yourself. 

You tugged the lanyard over your head and practically skipped to the studio room. Upon knocking, the door opened to reveal Changbin. A grin pressed his cheeks up into points. “Hi!” 

“Hey,” you returned the smile, “is Ch-” 

He jerked the door open wider to reveal Chan in the background. Chan was directing whoever was in the booth. You picked up Felix’s deep voice in the background. Chan was sitting in a hoodie and a pair of navy blue basketball shorts. He bobbed his head along to the voice. 

“You can come in, just try to keep it down because we’re rec-” 

“You’ve got it.” 

He opened the wooden door wider and you stepped inside. In the booth, headphones were over Felix’s ears. His messy blonde hair had been pushed around by the band connecting the ear covers. 

His eyes focused on the lyrics as he sang. You slung your bag to the side and smiled as you saw Jeongin sitting on the opposite side of the couch. The two of you exchanged a wave and you quietly came to sit beside him on the opposite side. 

Changbin snuck back into the chair beside Chan and Felix continued to sing. After a few more seconds, Felix’s voice cracked and he stopped singing. “Fuck!” He cried out. 

“I don’t ever recall that being part of the song,” Jeongin mumbled. 

“Yeah, what Innie said,” Changbin agreed. 

Chan stopped the recording with a sigh. He pressed a button, so Felix could hear him in the booth. “Felix, is something wrong today? This is the fourth time your voice has cracked. Do you need us to change the lyrics or-” 

“No! No! No! Of course, I don’t need you to change the lyrics! It’s just the pitch of the song. It’s so high and I’m really trying my best here, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get it or not and oh-” His eyes brightened when he saw you. “When did you get here?” 

Chan shifted in his seat and blinked when he saw you behind him. You smiled softly at him. “Hi, baby.” 

“What are you doing here? I told you that I’d be home late.” 

“I know, but I just wanted to see you.” 

“I’m busy.” 

“I’m fully aware. I have no intention of stopping you from working. I’ll sit here silently without a peep. You won’t even know I’m here.” 

“Yeah, right,” he mumbled beneath his breath. 

Felix and Changbin both shot him a glare. Changbin’s fingers jabbed into Chan’s side. Chan was worked up and stressed because Felix wasn’t getting this part of the song. It wasn’t just Felix that had struggled, everyone was struggling. 

Chan had created the instrumentals of this song and thought it’d be a home run, but he hadn’t considered how much the pitch would be a struggle for some of the guys. He was frustrated because if they couldn’t reach the right note, the song would have to be scrapped and he was distracted by other songs he wanted to work on. 

Seungmin’s silky and strong vocals weren’t the same as Felix’s deeper tone. Han’s wide range of vocals wasn’t the exact same as what Minho was comfortable with. Songs could be challenging and this seemed to be the biggest challenge yet.

Luckily for you, you hadn’t heard Chan’s mumble because your phone vibrated in your hands. You swiped the screen before thinking and held the phone up to your ear. “Hello?” 

When Chan rolled his eyes, Changbin slapped him in the back of the head. “What is your issue today?” He whispered. “Knock it off and stop being an asshole.” 

“We’re busy and-” 

“So tell them to leave and don’t be an asshole about it.” 

“Easy for you to say, you don’t have a significant other always up your ass.” 

“You're the world’s biggest asshole right now and unless you want to lose them, I’d drop the attitude. Just because you’re frustrated, it doesn’t give you the right to be a jerk. Use your words, you’re supposed to be the oldest in the room, so act like it.” 

“Oh, so you’re finally picking up the phone this time?” 

Your father’s voice in your ear caused your heart to sink to your stomach. The blood in your veins turned to ice. You shut your eyes before responding. “I’m sorry, but I’ve been busy recently and I-” 

“Busy my ass. You can text your mother, but not me? I was the one who created you and you still can’t be grateful for that. Without me, you’d be nothing.” 

“I’ve been texting the family group chat and I-” 

“You know damn well that I don’t give a shit about no family group chat!” 

You winced and pushed yourself up. Jeongin stared at you with a raised eyebrow. When you noticed, you flashed him a smile and held up a finger to let him know that you’d only be a minute. Before anyone could say anything, you disappeared outside the room and into the empty hallway. 

“What do you want?” 

“Is it a crime to want to know how my child is doing?” 

Your stomach twisted into thoughts as your father scoffed. A frown appeared on your face and, even though he couldn’t see you, you shook your head. 

“I’m sorry, but it’s difficult to find time to talk when we’re on different time zones and-” 

“Bullshit! You’re an ungrateful piece of shit! I gave you this goddamn life and you can’t even come visit! I have to find out from Google that you’re dating an idol! What have you told him? Why won’t he come visit?” 

“Nothing!” Your voice squeaked in shock. “I haven’t told him anything, he’s just so busy. He’s in a band and we-” 

“Then bring him down here, so your mother and I can meet him! What happened to respecting your parents? I didn’t even give you permission to date him!” 

As his voice raised louder, you tugged the phone away from your ear. A lump began to form in your throat as curse words were thrown your way. You shut your eyes and waited for him to calm down. Your hands were shaking as you mumbled into the phone. 

“I think I’m losing reception, I’ll call you back in a while.” 

“Don’t you fucking hang up on m-” 

The click ended his words before he got out the sentence. All at once, the weight of everything fell on top of you. Insult after insult wormed deeper and deeper into your brain. You wanted, you needed, to speak to Chan. You weren’t strong enough to deal with this on your own yet. 

You shoved your phone into the back pocket of your jeans and pushed the door open. Felix was singing again and your fingers curled into your palms. “Chan?” Your voice came out hoarse. “Can we talk for a moment?” 

The sound of your voice caused Jeongin to look up with a face full of worry. Even Changbin glanced behind his shoulder to check on you. When Felix caught Changbin’s head turning, he looked up to find you rapidly blinking back tears. His singing stopped and Chan’s fist flew into the desk. 

The rattling of the desk shook your soul. It started everyone, but you the most. Suddenly, you were five years old again in the back of your father’s van. You were weak and vulnerable. Defenseless, there was nothing you could do as your father’s wrath expanded along the four locked doors. 

You sucked it in and you couldn’t breathe. Your heart hammered in your chest, but there was nothing, absolutely nothing you could do. You were five and yet the anger of a thousand angry men was cast at you. 

It vibrated the marrow in your bones. The strands of your heart strings curled inward. Your childlike curiosity shattered in the backseat. Stay quiet, don’t utter a word, just take the yelling. Like a deer in headlights, you were trapped. 

It funneled down your throat and created a lump. Crocodile tears appeared in your eyes. You sniffled and your bottom lip shook, you were alone once more. Alone in the thunder and anguish; the swirl of one man’s anger. 

A flower in the middle of a tornado. Thrown, chucked, depetaled. Ripped from the stem and crushed between the winds. At the end, you were ripped to shreds and utterly defeated. Not even the thorns of your own stem could save you. 

“Goddammit! Why can’t you just go home? I’m trying to work here and you’re ruining it! I don’t have time for you right now! Go home and I’ll deal with your bullshit later. This is my career we’re talking about!” 

The song’s soft instrumentals faded in the background as the song ended. You couldn’t stop the tears from slipping down your cheeks. It stung more than you ever would have imagined. The words were a sharp sting to your cheek. The noose of daddy issues choked you again and you couldn’t breathe. 

“See you later,” you mumbled as you tipped your head down and rushed towards the door. You pawed at your tears and rushed into the hall and down the corridor to head home. 

“What the fuck was that for?” Changbin snapped. 

“We’re working!” 

“And they were crying! If you would have taken five seconds to look behind you, you would have-” 

“Don’t try to guilt trip me! It’s bullshit! I probably hurt their feelings. Whatever. We have work to do. I’ll apologize later.” 

While the two bickered, Jeongin stepped up and disappeared out the door to try and find you. Whatever you were struggling with, it hadn’t been good. Chan’s outburst had only made it worse and he knew that. He saw the terror in your eyes when the other person responded on the opposite end of the phone.

Felix looked from Chan’s angry face to Changbin’s scowl. When he caught Jeongin rushing out the door after you, his confusion only grew. “What’s happening?” He asked into the microphone. 

Chan slammed his hand down on the button, so Felix could hear him. “Don’t worry about it. Get out of the booth, we’re going to take five.” 

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

As you walked home in the whipping wind, your hair tangled around your head. It blocked your vision and the gray skies added to your warped reality. It felt like everyone and everything was against you. 

That was the one fatal flaw with humans. When we enter a dark mindset, it’s the only thing we think about. The only thing we feel is the harsh and back-breaking weight of the world on our shoulders. The clouds close in and all feels lost as the rain pours down. 

You walked quickly with your head down. Keeping to the sidewalks, you were nearly running. You were moving so fast that by the time Jeongin made his way outside the studio, you were already halfway down the road. He wanted to talk to you, but he didn’t want to frighten you. He kept his pace brisk, but he didn’t run. 

He loved Chan for a wide variety of reasons, but he couldn’t believe he had just snapped at you like that. Of course, Chan was angry when he was mad, but this wasn’t okay. None of this was okay. 

You sniffled and kept rushing as the wind cupped your ears. You were hollow on the inside. That faint flicker of light inside you had been kept going by Chan. It wasn’t the best idea to depend on one person to make you happy, but you didn’t know what else to do. 

Your biggest fear has finally come true, everyone hates you. Maybe not to your face, but you can feel it. The bitter hatred that’s so vitriol, it’s rancid. A hatred that’s thicker than oil and stickier than jam. 

You were looking at assumptions, not facts, but your brain was set in stone. No one would be able to save you now. You had fallen far from grace. Your issues had poisoned you from the start. Maybe, just maybe, you weren’t meant for any of this life. 

Perhaps, you would take a chance and try again in the next. 

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

When Jeongin knocked, you didn’t respond. He shoved the hair out of his face and tried again. When you didn’t respond to the softer knocks, he knocked harder. When you didn’t respond to that, he held his breath and turned the knob to your apartment. 

Breaking and entering wasn’t something he would have liked to go to jail for, but could you blame him? He knew you were hurting and he couldn’t stand the thought of you being alone and sobbing. 

Chan’s words to you had been far too cruel. Sure he was angry, but anyone in the right state of mind would have realized that something was terribly wrong with you. It was a gut feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn’t shake. 

His brain was screaming at him to leave as he silently ventured further into the apartment. One step into the hall and then another. He didn’t bother with the common courtesy of kicking off his shoes. 

The place smelled like sweet citrus. It was a familiar scent that had belonged to you since he had known you. Once upon a time, Chan marveled at how much you adored citrus. If only he would have been here now. 

The carpeted hall felt too silent. The living room was too empty as he stepped out into it. Bookshelves filled with books, a coffee table with the TV remote, photographs of Chan and the rest of the band on the back wall. Your friends were your everything and so was Chan. 

Where were the photos of your family, he wondered. It was such a simple thought, but it flew by just as quick. Your presence was here, but yet you weren’t. Where were you at? 

He softly called your name and stepped by the coffee table. The bar table in the kitchen had been left abandoned. The hum of the fridge caused his heart to strum faster. There was an eeriness that he just couldn’t shake. 

Every fiber of his being was wound up. Loose floorboards creaked beneath his feet. He was sure that he had seen you enter your apartment. From a distance, he watched your figure fumble for house keys and stumble inside. Your hands brushed past your face and he was positive you were wiping away the tears that kept blurring your vision. 

He called your name a little louder, but there was no response. His mouth dipped into a frown and he uttered your name again when a faint whimper caught him off guard. His spine stood erected as he waited for another sound, but it never came. 

As he approached the room it came from, he was prepared for sobs. He was prepared for tears. He was prepared for the anguish that came with it, but he wasn’t expecting the bright red that began to seep beneath the bathroom door. 

His heart stopped and for a brief moment, he couldn’t breathe. Nothing made sense. The circuit of his brain had stumbled across a trip. Something cut out and his brain whirled trying to reboot. 

A scream ripped from his lungs as he rushed towards the bathroom and there you were. You didn’t stop. You didn’t even care or notice that he was there. 

Full of self-hatred, you were cutting, no. You were sawing it out of you bit by bit. They don’t tell you that when you hate yourself, there is no pain in self-harm. It’s a dangerous sweet release. The stinging and burning sensation fills you with a sense of euphoric triumph. Self-mutilation feels like bliss and the cold blade in your hand feels like a friend. In some twisted way, it can be the best thing you ever feel. 

There was blood everywhere. It dripped from the slices in your wrist. It saturated your clothes and it was all over the bathroom floor. Maybe you tripped and fell. Maybe you were set on killing yourself. Maybe you just snapped. 

Human skin is so thin that it can easily be penetrated by a single piece of paper. So small, so little, and yet the fiery ache of pain is felt everywhere all at once. You couldn’t feel the fire in your arm. Gone into shock, your body had blocked you from feeling anything. 

You weren’t even aware of Jeongin’s presence until he grabbed your arm. Your bloodshot eyes were watery as they met his concerned russet ones. “Please, stop,” he whispered. 

With a snarl, you jerked your arm away from him. You started to scream and lash out. He grabbed your hand and pinned you down again. 

“Get the fuck off of me!” You yelled. 

“Please, please, please stop.” His voice wavered. He was terrified for you and he didn’t want to make it worse. He knew how much Chan’s yelling earlier upset you. He didn’t want to trigger you further. 

“Leave me alone!” Your shrill voice cracked from desperation. “Get off! Let go!” 

“No!” 

You swiped the blade down with your hand, nearly cutting him in the process. Your head bucked as you tried to free yourself. He ducked his head with a yelp. 

He shoved your bleeding body back onto the floor. Your free hand flew up, in an attempt to stop yourself, but it didn’t work. Your brain rattled around your skull as you were blinded by the sudden pain of it all. 

Jeongin panicked as he desperately used the code word to activate the voice command on his phone. When you heard “call Bang Chan,” you lost it even more. 

“Stop it!” He begged as you squirmed again. Your hands flailed and you yelled back. 

Back and forth back and forth, you refused to let go of the blade. You gripped it so hard that you didn’t care that the sharpened blade cut into your opposite palm. You were fighting tooth and nail to keep a tight grip on it. You weren’t going to let go. Not even Jeongin, one of your closest friends, could save you from the demons in your head. 

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

In the studio, Chan was ready to slam his head into the wall himself. Changbin was non-stop lecturing him and once Felix found out, Felix was also up his ass. Nobody seemed to understand that they had a job to do. 

When his phone rang, he used it as an excuse to leave the pair angrily grumbling to themselves. He stepped out the studio door, just as you had. He let out a sigh before he swiped and answered the call. “What do you want, Innie?” 

A thump responded along with a yell. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “I.N? What are you-” 

“Put it down! Put the blade down! Stop it!” 

His heart suddenly turned to ice. “I.N?” He whispered. “What is hap-” The response that you gave nearly dropped him to his knees. 

“No one cares! Just let me die!” 

He suddenly felt like he was about to projectile vomit. His stomach churned and twisted and the world felt a little blurry. “What is happening?” He raised his voice and began to yell at the phone. “Jeongin?” 

“Alexa, speaker phone!” Jeongin cried out. “Chan, I can’t stop them! Please! I need you! I don’t know what to do! They won’t stop hurting themselves!” 

The world stopped tilting on its axis. The seconds froze in time. His breath caught in the echo-chamber of his lungs. “No,” he whispered. Tears pricked in his eyes and he suddenly rushed down the hall. 

“Don’t let them die! Do you hear me, Innie? Don’t let them die!” 

He flew out of the JYP building like a bat out of hell. He clutched his phone, now on its own speaker phone. This path that he used to practically skip after work because he was so excited to see you. Now it could potentially be the path to your corpse. 

“Fuck!” He cried out as the struggle continued on the other end of the phone. 

“C-Chan?” You croaked weakly. “I don’t wanna do it anymore. I-I can’t.” 

Guilt swallowed him whole. He could barely breathe as he ran. “Baby? Baby, can you hear me? It’s okay. I need you to listen to me. Can you do that?” 

“You hate me.” 

“I could never hate you. I took it out on you earlier and I’m sorry.” His head jerked as he made sure he was pursuing the correct street. His footsteps thudded on the pavement. 

“Listen to me, I need you to drop the blade. Can you do that to me? Listen to Innie and drop the blade. I’m coming, okay? I’m nearly there, just listen to my voice.” 

To Jeongin’s relief and Chan’s surprise, there was a soft clatter as you released the blade from your hand. You were exhausted after fighting with Jeongin and the blood was starting to become tacky against your skin. 

You hated the murky feeling that it left behind. Every movement of your wounded palm oozed more blood. Jeongin panted over your body. Your arms were pinned to your sides as he straddled you. 

His own body was painted in your blood. Bright red handprints smeared across his white shirt. His light pair of blue jeans seeped it up like a sponge. There were even fingerprints staining his cheek from where you had swiped your hand at him. 

“I’m almost there, I’m coming to the house right now. Where are you? What room?” 

“Bathroom!” 

Chan burst through the door and into the bathroom. His heart dropped when he found you pinned and nearly half unconscious. Blood was all over the floor. It was smeared against the bathroom cabinets and the tub. 

Jeongin never took his eyes off you. He was too afraid that you’d find the blade again and do something worse. Chan ended the call and stepped over the puddle of blood leading into the bathroom. 

He softly called your name and stepped beside you. Your eyes weakly met his. He felt like he was going to burst into tears. His knees buckled and he sank down beside you. He didn’t waste time grabbing a wet rag and shifting beside Jeongin. 

“Innie, I’ve got it from here, go call an ambulance.” 

Jeongin hesitated, but finally nodded and stepped out of the bathroom. Before he left, he kicked off his shoes, so he didn’t trample blood into the rest of the house. 

The realization of your situation sent shocks of electricity buzzing through your skull. “Fuck,” you muttered. Tears began to build up in your eyes and they trickled down your face. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I-” 

“Shhh. It’s okay, it’s okay. Just try to save your strength, okay?” 

“I didn’t mean to,” your voice came out shrill. 

“I know, it’s okay.” 

“No, it’s not.” 

The lining of your lungs seemed to thicken as you struggled to breathe in. You squeezed your eyes shut, but it felt like breathing through a straw. Your brain had expanded with every wrong thought and now you were suffering. 

“Baby?” Chan whispered. He leaned forward closer to you and placed his hand over the razor blade, so you couldn’t see it. “What happened? What’s going on?” 

“Can’t breathe.” 

“Panic attack?” 

“Sorry.” 

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” 

“M-my dad,” your voice wavered. “I can’t-” 

“You don’t have to talk.” 

“Not a good relationship.” 

“Is that who called you earlier?” His eyebrows furrowed with worry. “I assumed, but I didn’t know for sure.” He reached down and pushed a bit of hair from your face. 

“He’s not good. H-he yells a-and-” You hiccuped, “abusive.” 

“Oh, honey…I didn’t know. I-I was just so frustrated earlier, I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I didn’t mean to upset you and I-” 

“I don’t feel good,” your eyes drooped further. 

“Don’t do that. Don’t do that. Baby? Baby, listen to me!” Not caring about the blood, Chan cupped your face. “Don’t you dare give up! Stay with me!” 

The last thing you heard were his desperate pleas as your eyes rolled back into your head. 

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

When you finally came back home from the hospital, Chan forbade you from going to your apartment alone. Instead, he was nice enough to open up his dorm for you to use temporarily. It wasn’t a permanent fix, but it was a manageable one for now. 

Ever since you regained consciousness, everything had been so foggy, but you remembered bits and pieces. You remembered the wine colored blood and the fear on Jeongin’s face. You remember being unable to breathe and the desperation of Chan’s voice. 

Maybe some part of you was glad that you couldn’t remember the entire thing. You weren’t sure that you wanted to remember traumatizing your boyfriend and your friend, at least, not the specific details. 

Your hospital stay had ended up turning into a week-long stay. It turns out the hospitals don’t play when it comes to suicide attempts. You didn’t even try to deny it. There was a tender hurt inside of you that you had no clue how to fix. 

It was a surprise when things that the mandated therapists were saying made sense. Sure, you knew things were wrong, but to hear validation from people, it made you feel a tiny bit better. 

When you left, you promised to come back. There were parts of you that really did want to heal from all of this. You never wanted to put anyone through this ever again. When clarity came through at the hospital, you realized you didn’t really want to die, you just wanted the self-hatred festered inside your being to stop. 

You wanted the negative energy to cease and you wanted to be loved. You wanted to be healed in ways you didn’t know how to heal. You wanted a lot of things and the therapists had promised that if you came back, they could start to help you turn things around, but you had to consciously make that decision. 

You yourself had to focus on your own healing. It was hard and it was difficult. Healing is one of the hardest things a person can do for themselves, but it can be so rewarding. You don’t have to let your demons win. 

“Fight back. Raise hell. Don’t let them win.” It was something another patient had said during a mandated group therapy. “I’m tired of letting the negative thoughts in my brain win. I want to live. I don’t want to just survive, I want to live.” 

The more the people talked, the more you realized that you had some of what they were missing. Sure, your parents weren’t the best, but you had friends. You had a significant other. You had little things that some people craved. 

For most of your time spent at the hospital, you were lost in your thoughts. You had barely uttered a few words to Chan. When Jeongin came in, you nearly collapsed into tears apologizing over and over again for scaring him. 

He insisted it was fine, but you knew it wasn’t. Nothing you could do could ever take back the damage that you had given him. The nightmares, the trauma, it’d be something he might have to live with forever. Sure, it’d fade, but for now, it stuck to the back of his head like glue. 

“So…” Chan’s voice snapped you out of your thoughts. The two of you were standing in the dorm living room. He had sent the rest of the guys over to the other dorm, so you could settle in. “Welcome to your new temporary home.” 

This place really was your home. You had been here time after time again. These walls just might have known you better than your own apartment did. You glanced around and nodded. “Thank you.” 

“I cleared out my room, so you can have it.” 

“We’re not sharing?” 

“I didn’t think you’d want to.” 

Your hands tugged at the sleeves of your long sleeve shirt. Your fingers curled into them. The damage to your arm was so bad that doctors had a hard time fixing all the damage. They had also been concerned about infection since the wounds were so deep and there were multiple of them. 

You played with the hems trying to find words to say. “I’m sorry,” you finally got out, “for everything.” 

“It’s not your fault.” 

“It is entirely my fault. I don’t know how to deal with things in a healthy way. I’ve been handling a lot on my own and I broke down. I snapped in the worst way possible. The doctors called it a nervous breakdown.” 

“You know I’m not mad at you, right?” 

“Maybe you should be.” 

He shook his head, “I could never be mad at you.” 

You lowered yourself to the faux leather couch behind you and slowly took in a deep breath. “I have a lot of issues and I’ve always known they were there. I just…” You shrugged, “I didn’t think something like this would happen. I’ve struggled with self-harm before, but I snapped.” 

He sat across from you and shifted his body to face you. “I’m really sorry I yelled at you that day. I shouldn’t have ye-” 

“You were stressed and upset, it happens sometimes.” 

“That doesn’t make it right.” 

“The therapist says I have parental issues from my father and it has affected me in a variety of ways. In fact, she said it’s why I’m probably dating you.” 

“What’s wrong with our relationship?” 

“She said I need to stop leaning on you to fill the void that my dad left behind and I hate that she’s right.” 

“Oh…” His face fell. “So does that mean we’re breaking up?” 

“Do you want to?” 

He shook his head. “I don’t, but what about you? What do you want to do?” 

“I don’t wanna break up either.” 

“So…” 

“So I’ll attend therapy and work on my issues. I’ll attempt to stop relying on you to make me happy because it’s not healthy.” 

“Yeah…” 

There was an awkwardness between you. Neither knew what to say and nobody wanted to harm the other. Chan finally broke the silence. “Can I hold you?” 

You shifted and crawled over towards him. He was careful of the stitches in your palm and in your opposite arm. You curled into his lap and he pulled you to his chest. Your head leaned against the familiar thump of his heartbeat. “I missed you,” you mumbled. 

“I miss you too.” His lips kissed the top of your head. Your sweet scent engulfed him. He leaned his chin on your head and shut his eyes. The warmth of your body was enough to set his soul ablaze. 

“My dad wasn’t a good man,” you finally mustered the courage to talk about it. “He called me at the studio and I didn’t read the caller ID. I just wanted to see you after a long day. When I left and went outside, he just started yelling and getting upset.”

“He’s verbally abusive and a hothead. Ever since I was a kid, he gets angry easily and he can’t control it. He throws things, he swings, and he’d destroy my things. I lived my life in so much fear because he’d threaten to disown me. My family never did anything about it, they just let it happen.” 

Chan’s hand went to your back. He soothingly rubbed it while you spoke. “I had no idea.” 

“I felt like I shouldn’t talk about it because some people don’t have fathers. I should be grateful that I even have a father and I-” 

“You don’t have to be grateful to someone who frightens you and makes you hate yourself. That’s not what a father should be. I probably enhanced your fight or flight instinct when I yelled at you, I’m so sorry.” 

“Every time I talk to him, I feel miserable. All of them, I’m so angry at all of them.” 

“You don’t have to continue putting yourself through any of that. You don’t have to talk to the people that make you miserable. Please don’t keep putting yourself through all this distress, baby.” 

“I just want to be happy.” 

“And I have no doubt that you’ll get there soon, sweetheart. When you’re feeling at your worst, you don’t have to turn to self-harm. You can come find me, yeah? I’ll always be here for you. Now that I know what’s wrong, I’ll be sure to never act like I did that day. I don’t want to lose you.” 

His arms tightened around your body and his lips found the top of your head again. “You mean so much to me. I can’t imagine a life without you. I’d be devastated if you weren’t here. If you ever feel like that, come find me and I’ll distract you.” 

“But that’s such a burden for you to carry.” 

“It’s not a burden if I love you.” 

You finally picked your head up and looked at him with teary eyes. His own eyes were similar as they looked at you. Without asking, you leaned forward and your lips connected. 

It was pure bliss…until it wasn’t. The front door to the dorm slammed open. The crack of it into the wall sent both of you pulling away from each other. 

Hwang Hyunjin sashayed into the room with a pair of sunglasses, a towel around his neck, and a blue pool noodle over his shoulders. “Surprise, bitches!” 

“Hyung, you have no manners,” Jeongin grumbled as he stepped in behind him. When his eyes found you, he beamed. “Hi!” He waved excitedly and rushed towards the two of you. 

Minho stepped inside, grabbed the pool noodle from Hyunjin, and bonked him on the head with it. “You insensitive fuck! I told you they couldn’t swim due to stitches!” 

“Ow!” 

Minho bonked him again. “You’re lucky you’re getting a pool noodle to the head and not a fist to your pretty face.” He glanced over at you and grinned. “Sup?” 

Chan sighed and kept his arms clamped around your back. “I’m so sorry about them. I didn’t have time to tell you that I invited all of them over to hang out for a game night and maybe some movies. We can order your favorite foods and w-” 

“Hyung, look at all my snacks!” 

“Mine too!” 

Han and Felix walked inside with grocery bags full of snacks. They wasted zero time going to the coffee table and dumping them out. The pair beamed happily as they waited for your approval and you managed a soft smile. 

“You two waste zero time making messes, don’t you? Hey,” Seungmin called out and he nodded towards you. “Glad you’re not dead. I can’t wait to-” 

The sound of Changbin screaming your name at the top of his lungs caused your eyes to widen in shock. Thunderous footsteps sounded from the porch and rushed inside. Changbin rushed in grinning with his arms outstretched. He was getting closer and closer until a pool noodle slammed into his face. 

He stumbled back dazed and Minho rolled his eyes. He handed the pool noodle back to Hyunjin and shook his head. “You are all unbelievable. You have zero manners.” 

“Strike,” Seungmin mumbled beneath his breath. 

You snorted which caused him to glance over and grin. 

“This is okay with you, right?” Chan glanced down at you. “If it’s too much, I can ask them to go back and I-” 

You shook your head, “it’s fine. I’m not sure about participating in games, because uh…” You gently shifted your bandaged arm hidden beneath your long sleeves. “Movie night and food sounds wonderful.” 

“Ya-hoo!” Changbin cheered. “Let’s get this party started.” He grinned and rubbed his hands together. “Oh, snacks!” 

“Ah, ah, ah!” Minho ripped the pool noodle from Hyunjin’s hand and bonked him on the head again. A scowl filled Changbin’s face. “Let the guest pick first.” 

“Sorry,” he mumbled. 

“Hit him one more time and he’s going to lose the last brain cell he has,” Seungmin complained. 

“Yeah!” Hyunjin agreed as he crossed his arms over his chest. Minho bonked Hyunjin over the head. He groaned and slumped into the recliner behind him. “Channie, hyung, he’s beating me up! He’s killing my brain cells too!” 

“You idiot,” I.N huffed, “you don’t even have any to lose!” 

“Hey!” 

“So how have you been?” Felix asked as he got on his knees beside the couch. “Do you want a snack? Do you want to play Animal Crossing?” 

“Or we could watch an anime?” Han offered with a cheeky smile. “Whatever you’re up for, we’re down with.” 

“Exactly, whatever you want, babe.” Chan rubbed your back with some reassurance. “The guys and I got you.” 

“Can I just observe you interacting with each other? There’s plenty of humor in that and I-” 

“Oh, sure!” Minho beamed. He lifted up the pool noodle with a smirk. “Sit back and watch me play whack-a-mole.” 

“Wait a minute!” 

“Hey!” 

“Don’t you dare!” 

Without another word, Minho grinned as he started to take turns whacking the guys’ heads.

| ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ |

Taglist: @lina-linny @straykidsstanforeverandever @seungnishi

Masterlist

Taglist and inbox rules

[pandas-pandemonium]

The Aftermath

A continuation from The Opportunist. Requested by a lovely anon!

Summary: The Blue Lock boys don't take the news of you officially dating Nagi very well. Featuring Isagi, Bachira, Kunigami and Reo

"[Name]'s dating Nagi?" Isagi nearly dropped his bottle in shock when Bachira relayed the news to him. Since when did that lazy ass sink his teeth into you? 'Was he too careless?' Isagi wondered. He thought this whole time Nagi wouldn't be as big of a threat as the more aggressive students in this academy. Plus, he was so certain he was making good progress in worming his way into your life! Hell, your mother adored him!

"I saw them with my own two eyes. They were all lovey dovey and Nagi refused to let go of them. They even gave him a kiss before class... willingly. Such a joke, huh?" Bachira chuckled, twirling a pen in his hand. Isagi instinctively recognised it as the one you had lost the other week.

"You're not mad?" Isagi asked. Bachira hummed as his eyes remained focussed on the pen, flipping it up and as he catches it in his palm, it snaps.

"Of course I am."

*****

Kunigami's world felt like it was crashing down. He hadn't felt such despair since he enrolled in Ego Jinpachi's Special Program. You. You. You were his light while he was stuck in that hell and when he came out, hoping to see you again, he was smacked in the face with the sight of Nagi's lips on yours.

He couldn't help but stare at the scene unfolding in front of him. He had heard the rumours that were floating around, but to have it confirmed? Kunigami felt sick. Eventually, he managed to pick himself up, but not before looking once more, only to meet Nagi's piercing gaze.

When Kunigami left the area, that despair he felt in him boiled and fizzled, until it transformed into a burning rage.

How dare he? How dare that shithead claim your body for himself, when it should have been him?!

Perhaps those special lessons were worth the pain after all. With his new physique and new abilities, Kunigami was going to get you back. He'll make sure of that.

*****

It had been a week since Nagi and you became an official couple. Initially you wanted to hide that fact in fear of what the others would say, or do. But Nagi seemed to have no regard for their opinions whatsoever; forcing kisses down your throat any time he saw someone you recognised pass by. You could still feel the dread in your stomach when you saw Kunigami's familiar orange locks disappear in a flash.

Now however, you had another problem. It was about time though, for Reo to confront Nagi. And as you watched the scene unfold in front of you, you could only pray that no one got seriously hurt.

"Nagi. The hell is this?" Reo asked, his purple eyes boring straight into Nagi's skull.

Nagi stared blankly at Reo, one arm draped around your body, something that you had to grow accustomed to over the last couple of days since Nagi forced you to be his romantic partner. "You've got to be more specific on what 'this' is, Reo," he answered, his tone still the same bored one he always spoke with. You could see Reo's eye twitch.

"Why the hell is [Name] dating you?" Reo was barely keeping it together. When you glanced down, you could see how tightly he was clenching his fists. You wouldn't be surprised if it left a mark.

"'cause I asked them out, duh?" Nagi responded. In contrast to Reo's frazzled and antsy disposition, Nagi was exceedingly calm. If anything, he just seemed bothered, like Reo was asking a dumb question.

"That's not what I mean! I mean- how the hell did you get them to even like you enough to date you?" Reo sounded like he could barely even squeeze those words out without screaming.

Nagi glanced over to you and then back to Reo, then up at the ceiling as he tapped his free hand against his chin. "Good timing?"

Suddenly, you were released from Nagi's grip and all you heard was a thud and Nagi on the ground; Reo's arm was out, his hand in a fist and raw from the punch he just landed.

"Don't give me that shit, Nagi. We had a deal!" Reo's eyes were wide, his pupils dilated as he seethed with anger.

Nagi didn't even seem bothered as he picked himself up and dusted himself off. "And now we don't. I rather like having [Name] to myself, personally."

Nagi soon found himself yanked by his collar by Reo. "We. All. Do. Bastard." Reo snarled in Nagi's face. "I made that deal in the first place because I thought we were friends. Partners even!" Reo was yelling at this point. "If you're not going to keep the end of our agreement, I'm stealing [Name] from you."

For the first time since their argument started, you saw Nagi's expression change. With one hand, he yanked Reo back by his collar as well, his eyes wide and blank. "Then try it, I dare you, Mr. Standard." Once he said those words, he released Reo's collar and shoved him back, sending him stumbling for a moment.

Without even sparing a second glance, Nagi grabbed your wrist and began to walk off. "Let's go, [Nickname]. My mood's been ruined..."

[lizzaneia-elizalde]

Request: Knoxx Wyatt (cowboy yandere) reacting to us (his darling) deciding to go back to the city (cause we got better job prospects or something, I don’t know). What would this man do to keep us from leaving? (And I guess this would still technically be early into the “relationship” where we aren’t long term commitment or haven’t truly “defined” the relationship yet). I just wanna see this man become unhinged. See his “yan” side 😉

P.S. Don’t ever feel guilty about your pregnancy/baby stories. I love them (and probably a lot of your fans since we all most likely got breeding/pregnancy kinks…cause this is Tumblr after all…😘)

Yandere! Cowboy x New in town! Teacher! gn! Reader

WHAT IF: Darling goes back to the city?

Thanks for the reassurance anon! I was seriously getting worried LMAO. Now, I think you know where this is going with what would Knoxx do...

TW: Tampered contraceptives, forced breeding.

"Darlin... What do you mean by that?"

Knoxx gripped the saddle in his hands, his eyes wide as saucers.

You shrugged and gave him your phone which he snatched up immediately.

It was an email in which you're assigned to be a teacher in a prestigious University.

Knoxx felt cold in the stomach. The veins on his arm starting to bulge, blood pumping hastily to his heart as his mind went haywire with the prospect of you--

No, he can't even imagine it.

"But Darlin, yer only been 'ere for months. Not even a year." Knoxx whispered, trying to grit back the wallowing despair in his chest.

"That's what I said! But it's such a good opportunity. With a salary that's definitely much better. No offense."

"N-none taken."

"Besides, I still got two months here!"

Knoxx bit the inside of his cheeks, feeling his molars squish down the flesh, piercing it and letting the blood flow down to his tongue, tasting the metallic flavor before it trickled down to his throat.

Yet, no matter how much he hurts himself, he's not waking from his nightmare.

He wanted to let out a bitter cry but all he could do is laugh deeply. His eyes shaking from the raging emotions that threatened to bubble out.

His mind, heart, and body screamed to hold you down and break your legs, locking you up.

But he didn't.

He let out a trembling sigh and gave a wry smirk.

"Is that so, darlin? Congratulations." He mustered up his best acting skills and bowed with his cowboy hat on his chest.

His smirk widened when he gazed at your body, eyes hungrily drinking in your form.

"How about this, darlin? Let's make the most of those two months. You and me, fucking like animals. Just like you wanted." Knoxx grinned, gulping the blood and giving you such predatory eyes that he knows you love.

You shivered, heat pooling your stomach and lighting up arousal in your body.

"okay. Later night?"

"Oh sure, darlin."

Knoxx pocketed his fist on his jeans, fidgeting with the condoms he had in tow, while his eyes bore into the pin you have on your chest. Specifically, the pointy end.

"See you later."

~~~Two months later~~~

By the time you were supposed to leave the town, you threw up in the toilet bowl, emptying the hearty meal you prepared yourself. The smell of the paprika and pepper singing your sinuses and making you nauseous once more.

Your heart raced.

You loved pepper and paprika chicken.

You loved spicy foods.

Why would it make you sick?

Food poisoning? No. Impossible.

Your legs shook as you stood up, looking at the bedroom and seeing Knoxx's naked back hugging your pillow.

With a frantic search in the bedroom, you spot the used condoms on the floor beside your bed, and your breath hitched, seeing it leak on the tip. It's tampered with. Every. Single. Condom.

Did he also poked holes on the other condoms he used with your previous encounters?

You felt nauseous once more, but this time, due to your disgust and betrayal, mixed with fear.

You wanted to cry, to scream.

But you don't want to risk waking him up.

You need to get out of there.

With a hasty yet careful movement, you dressed up and ran outside, but stopped when you heard growls. Dog growls.

Knoxx herding dogs were circling you, backing you up back to the porch of your house. Eyes hostile yet calm, they herded you back to the frame of the door until you bumped into a hard surface.

You tensed, feeling two strong arms circle around your waist and felt the hands palm your stomach.

"Hmm... Bun in the oven. How delightful."

Knoxx's husky and deep voice sent shivers down your spine as he kissed your neck and slowly swayed you left to right.

"darlin, let's go back to bed. Pregnancy this early is especially dangerous for you."

You wanted to scream and shout, yet Knoxx's ranch was too big for other people to hear.

Was Knoxx's house this far from the town?

Was Knoxx's ranch always this deserted?

You felt something cover your head, making you flinch.

It's his cowboy hat.

Remember, he already staked his claim on you.

You're his.

[epicfroggz]

Would love to see more of your Messmer/Abyssal takes, it’s just really, really fresh and interesting!

Thanks y’all for the asks, I’ll be answering these under one roof since they work for a broad thematic post! On the subject of Messmer’s

Disorder

(long post ahead!)

Definition 1: “The disruption of peaceful and law-abiding behavior.”

If the law is the Golden Order, then the Abyssal Serpent represents the opposite of that, Shadow and Disorder. Seen in the contrast between his two phases: phase 1 Messmer is disciplined like his army, a little bit dramatic, and tired of his role in this charade. His lines are practiced and the way he says his own name worn out. Yet, my purpose standeth unchanged… Phase 2 Messmer, on the other hand, drops all such pretense, his strikes and movements becoming wild and exceedingly violent as he thrashes and twists and crawls upon the ground like the base serpent he is. He sheds all regard for his own safety, like Guts donning the Berserker armor—and the similarities don’t end there. Messmer’s beast of darkness may take on a serpentine shape, but it certainly still represents his hatred, bloodlust, and desire for revenge. Revenge, in this case, against the mother that imprisoned him—a curse upon thee. All his suffering and pent-up negative emotions that he has pushed aside for her sake have been concentrated into one being, and now he will inflict that pain upon you. Embrace thine oblivion, as shall I.

So no, the Abyssal Serpent is certainly not peaceful nor law-abiding; Messmer has forsaken the Order, and embraced his natural state of disorder. Become wild, and free. Returned to the shadows from which he draws his true power—that which made god herself fear him.

And that begs the question—why? Why does he exist? Why did Marika birth such an accursed child, the antithesis to everything she is trying to create?

“A curse upon the strumpet’s progeny, upon Marika’s children each and all.” (Hornsent Grandam dialogue)

“The seduction, and the betrayal. An affair from which Gold arose. And so too was Shadow born.” (DLC Story Trailer narration)

The Hornsent believe Marika’s ascension a betrayal. Their suffering, alongside Marika’s own suffering at the fate of her people, both coalesced into the twisted immaculate conception of a son. Messmer, son of Marika, who carries the burden of all their curses and despair, and keeps company with the original sin. This was the Greater Will’s “gift” to Marika upon achieving godhood—and so too was Shadow born. A painful reminder of where she came from, what it took to get here—and, since with his flame he could destroy everything she built, a reminder of her place. She is, as much as Miquella would have been, a divinity caged. (Reason #326 why Marika had Messmer sealed away in the Land of Shadow…)

Definition 2: “An illness or condition that disrupts normal physical or mental functions.”

Does the Abyssal Serpent have a personality—yes, Messmer’s! But more specifically, it is the personification (snake-ification?) of Messmer’s personality disorder. Before the seal, his behavior would have certainly fallen outside the norms of his culture and caused problems, as such disorders are defined. He had strange habits, was prone to violence, and often acted upon primal instinct. His overall experience was quite different from that of everyone else. Between his own serpentine nature and the winged serpents, his senses were sharper, he felt emotions (especially negative ones) more strongly, and occasionally transformed into a gigantic viper when he got too excited. As one does. This viper’s thoughts were essentially Messmer’s without the filter—just like him, it cares about the people that care for him, and wishes to hurt those that hurt him. Sometimes towards his mother it felt both, causing friction between them.

What may have just been the growing pains of his unusual existence, Marika saw as a sickness that needed to be cured. She was of the belief that the Abyssal Serpent was not an extension of Messmer, but a parasite clinging on to and ruining her beloved son. Her efforts culminated in the seal. She implanted grace into a being inherently graceless, and like some kind of conversion therapy, suppressed his true self. But that part of him did not and cannot just go away—there it writhes, behind his blinded eye, for only him to witness. For only him to hear its screams, to feel its pain. An eternity of suffering. As it thrashes, its hatred grows, manifesting as constant intrusive thoughts and vivid nightmares—symptoms not at all helped by Messmer’s inherent PTSD (this one I will diagnose outright—in my timeline, he was enlisted as a pre-teen and then the wars kinda never stopped).

Although she sealed the Abyssal Serpent, Marika recognized that Messmer’s drive to burn consume destroy everything could not be quenched. A drive that she herself caused and cultivated, and now feared. Hence, she gave him a target, the Hornsent, and while he was not looking, abandoned him with no way to return home. (Potentially at the behest of Radagon now that he is Elden Lord, who for ages has been wanting to excise the sinful impurity that is Messmer from his Golden Order.) Can you imagine what that does to a person?

I think I will never run out of things to say about him, but that is where I will leave it for now. The whole mental deterioration of Messmer and his army after being abandoned is worthy of another post (or, I think I may write a fic about it).

I will say, if you want more of my personal characterization of Messmer and the serpent within, you may wish to check out my fic! It’s in his POV and I really try to get inside his head (it’s so interesting in there)!

- Froggo

[antianakin]

@theneutralmime

Oh I have a LOT to say about this, this got really long.

For one, comparing ONLY Luke and Anakin ignores the MANY MANY MANY other Jedi we are introduced to in the PT who seem perfectly successful and happy as Jedi, most notably Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Mace Windu. If we include TCW, you can bring in a bunch of others like Luminara Unduli, Aayla Secura, Quinlan Vos, Kit Fisto, Plo Koon, Adi Gallia, Eeth Koth, Saesee Tiin, Jocasta Nu, and Tera Sinube. All Jedi Knights and Masters of varying ages and species who are all VERY happy and successful Jedi. So it seems a little disingenuous to ONLY compare Luke to Anakin and come to the conclusion that full training doesn't work when there are plenty of OTHER Jedi from the Prequels era who weren't, you know, genocidal maniacs.

And sure, some Jedi can leave. The Jedi don't force anyone to stay. But let's look at those people who left. Nearly ALL OF THEM leave because they end up turning to darkness and becoming evil, so I feel like that doesn't really speak to the Jedi having done something wrong and more about how if you leave the path of the Jedi, you're probably going to lose your sense of compassion and selflessness. But even among those people, the thing that causes them to turn on the Jedi is generally NOT THE JEDI THEMSELVES, but an outside force or event. For characters like Barriss and Krell, it's the war and the hopelessness and despair it creates. For characters like Bode and Malicos, it's Order 66 and the loneliness and trauma of that sudden loss. For Ahsoka, it's being framed by a friend who was no longer a Jedi and a lack of trust in herself (this changes after the Disney buy-out and Ahsoka DOES start blaming the Jedi for leaving, but she doesn't initially, and for a while she's still intentionally said to ACT like a Jedi and is implied to be seriously considering returning to the Order before Order 66 happens). Dooku is more disillusioned with the Republic and the Senate than he is the Jedi themselves (this, again, has been more recently changed to be a disillusionment with the Jedi, but that's not at all true in earlier iterations of him). Even with Anakin, what causes him to betray the Jedi isn't actually a dislike of the Jedi themselves, but a fear of losing someone he cares about who isn't even a Jedi herself. So all of the people we know who leave the Jedi in this era don't actually do so because the Jedi do something wrong and most of them become evil as a result.

It's also notable to point out that if we're counting Luke as "half a Jedi" because he didn't get the whole experience that someone during the Prequels era got, Anakin counts as one, too. He came in late and wasn't raised among the Jedi, he never got that kind of experience, so making the comparison to Anakin is an even worse comparison than normal because it's comparing an abnormal experience to another abnormal experience. It's like comparing a Satsuma tangerine to a Mandarin tangerine and saying, "See? The first one is better than the second one because it's only half an orange." Neither one is a real orange, they're tangerines. Anakin cannot be used as an example of the Jedi experience during the Prequels era, so the idea that you could claim Luke "worked" and Anakin "didn't" specifically because Luke only got partial training makes zero sense.

For two, it seems a little ridiculous to act like the Jedi who exist post-Order 66 are "half a Jedi" at all. They're not. Just because being a Jedi looks different during this period doesn't mean they're not Jedi or only sort-of Jedi.

There's characters like Kanan Jarrus and Cal Kestis who were Jedi Padawans when Order 66 happened and were also "half trained" I suppose, but they were RAISED as Jedi in a way Luke was not and both choose to come back to it and that reclamation of their identity as Jedi is immensely important to them. I don't think either of them would consider themselves "half a Jedi."

And LUKE would never consider himself "half a Jedi" at all. The famous line from ROTJ isn't "I'm half a Jedi, like my father before me" is it? No. Luke is a JEDI, wholly and completely, I don't care how much training he got in comparison to PT Jedi, he considers himself a Jedi Knight and so does everyone else he ever meets, generally. And the only other character similar to him that we see is Ezra, who ALSO seems to consider himself a whole Jedi and not "half a Jedi" despite the fact that he, like Luke, came to training later than was normal during the Prequels era.

But also the entire statement of "If the Jedi had allowed people like Luke to exist" is so funny because like... gee who do we think TAUGHT Luke to be a Jedi? Could it perhaps be, I dunno, TWO JEDI MASTERS FROM THE PREQUELS ERA JEDI ORDER? The Jedi DO allow people like Luke to exist because OBI-WAN AND YODA LITERALLY TRAIN LUKE TO BE A JEDI. I don't know what more they need to see to understand that Luke WAS allowed to be a Jedi by GETTING TRAINED TO BE A JEDI BY TWO JEDI MASTERS. This isn't even like Ezra getting trained by Kanan who was only a Padawan before, this is YODA AND OBI-WAN, two Jedi MASTERS who were on the COUNCIL before. I guess the idea behind this statement is that they only "allowed" it because Order 66 happened and they had no choice, but like... this is ridiculous. If Yoda and Obi-Wan truly believed Luke shouldn't be a Jedi, they just wouldn't have trained him.

What I think this person means by "people like Luke" is people who were raised in a regular nuclear family and only start training to be Jedi in adulthood, with the assumption that this means Luke's first priority is still like... his family and friends MORE than being a Jedi. This goes along with the assumption that Luke succeeds "because of his attachments" and because he "goes against the Jedi's teachings" in the end with Anakin. There's this common belief that Luke choosing not to kill Anakin on the Death Star is Luke acting UNLIKE a Jedi, or at least, unlike a PREQUELS Jedi. All of these assumptions are wrong. Straight up flat out WRONG.

Luke succeeds because of his compassion, because he acknowledges his own anger and darkness and chooses not to act on it. It's not that he refuses to kill Anakin because Anakin is his father, he refuses to kill Anakin because if he did, then he'd be doing so out of ANGER and FEAR, because Anakin is no longer a threat and is lying defeated on the ground so killing him at this point makes him a murderer. Luke would have made this same choice NO MATTER WHO HE WAS FACING IN THIS MOMENT. And I find this to be something a lot of people miss and misunderstand about this moment. Yes, Luke cares about Anakin because Anakin is his father, but the connection he makes with Anakin in this moment isn't between father and son, but between two people who have felt fear and pain and let themselves be controlled by it. Luke sees the mechanical arm after he cuts off Anakin's hand and it forces him to remember Bespin, the fear he felt for his friends and the advice he chose to disregard from Yoda and Obi-Wan then, and what it ultimately cost him. And it forces him to realize that Anakin, for all that he's done monstrous things, was once a person who got scared and angry, too, who let it control him the way Luke once did, and it cost him. This allows him to feel COMPASSION for Anakin, to see Anakin not as a monster or as this broken dream of his father, but a PERSON. A person who was once like him.

And then by stepping back and refusing to kill Anakin and making the pronouncement that he is a Jedi like Anakin once was, it also then forces ANAKIN to see that same connection. Luke sees him as a person, a person who made mistakes just like Luke did, so maybe he can see himself as a person who can make the same CHOICE as Luke is making, too.

So it's not about their personal connection to each other as father and son at all, really. Like they HAPPEN to be father and son and maybe this allows Anakin to make that connection a little easier because he cares about Luke enough to make that sacrifice (I don't personally believe Anakin would've made that sacrifice for Han or Lando even if they'd refused to kill him either), but for Luke? It isn't about that.

The anger from earlier, though? THAT was the attachment. I imagine this person you were speaking to probably didn't know that Lucas (and the Jedi as a result) use the word "attachment" in the way Buddhism defines it, which refers to a relationship with someone or something (it could be a place, an ideology, a dream, even a piece of clothing) that you cannot let go of because of the way it makes you feel, even after it starts being detrimental to yourself and the people around you. Luke's feelings for Han and Leia are what push him to Bespin to save them, even though both Yoda and Obi-Wan are telling him it's a trap and there's likely nothing he can really do to help them so he's better off staying on Dagobah to continue his training. And Luke ends up getting some information he's not ready for, he doesn't save Han OR Leia, Leia and Lando have to actually come back to save HIM, and he loses a hand. Luke doesn't go to Bespin because Han and Leia need him, he goes to Bespin because he can't bear to LOSE THEM. On the Death Star, he attacks Anakin because Anakin threatens Leia, and his fear of losing her causes him to get angry. It's not really about saving Leia because what Luke is becoming in this moment isn't someone Leia would ever support, but because Luke can't bear to lose her. THAT'S what attachment is. His attachment to Leia nearly costs him his father (consider the parallel between how Anakin's attachment to Padme DOES cost him HIS father figure because he refuses to stop fighting Obi-Wan and reconsider the choices he's making).

The attachment isn't what saves Anakin, it's what nearly kills him. It's the Jedi COMPASSION that saves Anakin. It's only because Luke EMBRACES what being a Jedi means, wholly and completely, that Anakin doesn't end up killed by his own son.

So what this person MEANS is, the Jedi would've been better off they'd allowed people to be more Western, if they'd let people grow up in a nuclear family structure, if they'd let people get married and have children, and if they'd let their members prioritize their personal connections over the fate of the galaxy because that's how they define love. What this person might not REALIZE is that their personal biases are devaluing any kind of life other than the one they're familiar with. They can't conceive of growing up in a more communal family structure where this isn't a specifically clearly defined "mom" and "dad" raising their kid(s) together. They can't conceive of a culture that either never feels the NEED to get married or have children or doesn't mind making that sacrifice (this isn't even specifically Western, Catholic nuns and priests make the same sacrifice because their relationship to God is more important than getting married and having children). They can't conceive of a culture where they actively choose to love everyone equally and never prioritize their own family and friends above strangers.

So this person you were speaking to I think has a fundamental misunderstanding of Luke as a character and his relationship to being a Jedi as well as a fundamental misunderstanding of what the Jedi were and a personal bias against a culture they're unfamiliar with. We're so often fed this story that if you aren't in a romantic relationship, then your life is basically hell on Earth. Everyone everywhere must be looking for this one special person, they MUST want that above everything else, and if they don't, then something in them is BROKEN. So the Jedi can seem very aloof and distant and fundamentally broken to viewers primed to see something like this as like... signals of an evil character, signals of a repressed character who needs to be saved, signals of corruption. But in fact, the Jedi are supposed to be symbols of the best humanity has to offer. They are the LEAST corrupt people in this entire story, the least evil people in the whole galaxy. They are a people who have figured out how to become the best version of themselves and spend their entire lives in service to the rest of the galaxy, passing on their wisdom and using their abilities to help anyone they can. They are an ideal to strive towards, not a cautionary tale.

Luke is not a success because he DOESN'T act like the Prequels Jedi, or because he is able to rise above them and become what they could not or what they had forgotten how to be. He is a success because he DOES act like them. He is a triumph because he represents the return of these people who always symbolized peace and compassion and hope.

I've called the Jedi a barometer for the galaxy's health before. The more there are, the better it's doing. At the beginning of the Prequel Trilogy, there are thousands of Jedi and the galaxy seems like it's GENERALLY fine, but with the return of the Sith, we also see our first Jedi death. And then in AOTC, a war starts and almost 200 Jedi die. By ROTS, even more Jedi have died and the Sith are more in power than ever before, and it ends with the Empire rising as the Jedi are all murdered. If we ignore all the different TV shows and skip ahead to the Original Trilogy, things only start to get better when the Jedi start coming BACK. Obi-Wan leaves Tatooine and brings Luke with him, who has just started Jedi training, and the Death Star is destroyed, saving the Rebellion. Luke commits to being a Jedi and the Empire falls, the Sith are destroyed, and the prophecy completed. Jedi represent all that is good, they represent a healthy balance in the galaxy. The galaxy ISN'T OKAY with the Jedi gone and it's at its best when the Jedi are at their strongest.

The Jedi DO allow people like Luke to exist because Luke is representative of the Jedi who came before him, the BEST the galaxy had to offer. Luke is representative of a culture that only ever did their best to be kind. Long before Rey, LUKE was "all the Jedi" because there didn't used to BE anybody else. Luke was the sole person keeping the Jedi's culture alive and he is bringing with him the training he got from two of the best, wisest Jedi Masters of the Prequel era. ALL OF THE JEDI were like Luke. All of them. Because they were ALL compassionate, they were ALL capable of putting aside their fear and anger in favor of understanding and acceptance, they were ALL people who fought back against the darkness and won. Luke succeeds because he becomes more and more like THEM.

The last thing I'll point out is that the Jedi's defeat doesn't happen because the Jedi failed at anything. The Jedi did everything right. But as everyone knows, you can do everything right, and STILL LOSE. They lose because the world and people around them failed, becauase the Senate and Anakin gave in to their own selfishness and fear and greed. All those "normal" people who were raised in regular family structures and prioritized their personal connections above their duty, they FAILED. But it was the JEDI who paid the price for that failure, so fans continue to blame them for everything instead of recognizing them as the victims they are.

[teriri-sayes]

Reactions to Chaos Creator's Chapter 255

TL;DR - Cale's group meets the elf guardian. Cale gets called the savior of the world. Holy Empire emperor and the heretic inquisitors join hands against the Church.

Wary Elves The first part of the chapter was funny because of the three kids. Wisha's contact, the elf, was wary of Cale's group, so Wisha tried to explain about them. Cale had Pendrick step up, so that the elf would lossen their caution upon seeing a fellow elf, but that did not work.

So Cale had Raon introduce himself. However, rather than seeing the elf praising the dragon, the elf became scared and angry at Wisha, thinking she had betrayed them. It was the kids who defused the situation.

Raon reassured the elf that they were here to smack the back of the Dragon Lord's head, and Hong added that they would not only smack the back of the head, but also the front and the sides. 😂 Cale was speechless, and On sighed before calming down the two.

And then On gave a brief explanation about their identities and purpose of visit to the wary elf, apologizing for their sudden visit. Raon and Hong praised her, Cale was in a daze at the three, and the wary elf became confused. 🤣

Savior Cale Another elf appeared, and Wisha introduced the middle-aged woman as the Guardian. There were 2 guardians, one by the side of the Dragon Lord, and one who was present here. The machine translation left me confused on who's the real one though.

This guardian was said to have reached the source of the world and received its revelation, so she was called a guardian. She said to Cale that the source of the world was waiting for him. Everything was fine with Cale, until the guardian told him that the source of the world called Cale the "savior of the world."

Cale's group was shocked while Cale's expression darkened because... he had enough of this savior talk. He was the "savior" of Xiaolen and Central Plains, and now, Aipotu too? 🤣🤣🤣 Come on, Cale. You already saved 3 worlds (Cale's world included), yet you're still in denial of it? 😂

Empire Politics The leader of the Holy Empire was Emperor Alt, an ambitious man. He was in a meeting with the female heretic inquisitor holding the 5th seat, said to be the loyal confidant of the 1st seat, their leader.

The two were conspiring against the church, or more specifically, against Pope Kesilia and the mixed blood dragons. The 5th seat reported that an explosion occurred at Pope Kesilia's residence, large enough to destroy one of the exterior walls, and the two misunderstood it as the pope finally losing against her dragon blood and nearing her death.

Of course, it's a misunderstanding. The destructive trio went to meet the pope in the previous chapter, right? And now, something gets destroyed? Definitely the fault of those three. 😂 As for what caused it, we can only guess as it was not mentioned today.

There was also Emperor Alt ordering his subordinates to pressure King Dennis to come here and interrogate him about who was behind them. And use that info to frame the pope too.

But seriously, out of all the character names possible, the author came up with "Alt"? It's supposed to be "old" in German, but that even makes it weird. Emperor Old? 🤣🤣🤣

Ending Remarks Lots of funny moments today, plus some good old political scheming. Next chapter would be Cale's journey to the source of the world. Given that Wisha became weak and injured when she traversed that place, how would our Cale overcome the challenge?

Edit: Wait, I forgot about the CH part. Apparently, he went with Cale and not Sui? Anyway, some alarm sounded in the forest, and CH said he heard crying. These cries were similar to the cries of despair he heard from the black despair found in the Alchemy Bell Tower.

[the-overanalyst]

don't come for me tsukasa stans- i love him too and i know that with his sheer force of personality it would've been hard not to make him the main character BUT if the wonderland sekai has to be created by any singular character, it should've been emu. here's why:

first off, it's the wonderland sekai. phoenix wonderland, the wonder stage specifically, is emu's special place. it's where her feelings were born. it's the place she fought for, alone, because of those feelings. it makes perfect sense for her sekai to be based on pxl.

now, about those feelings. according to the main story, the feeling that created wonderland sekai was the desire to make others happy. and sure, tsukasa does have that desire, but whenever wxs discuss their dreams, emu is the one who wants nothing more than to make everyone smile. that's her end all be all.

both tsukasa and emu have underlying reasons behind their desire, but i think emu's reason is more resonant with the overall themes of wxs's storyline. making people smile is her way of preserving her grandfather's legacy and in turn, her memories of spending childhood with him at pxl. now however, making people smile has come to define her time with wxs, which we know will someday end as well.

the disbandment of wxs should devastate emu more than anyone. it's not much of a stretch to infer that a girl whose bedroom looks like it's been decorated the same way since preschool might be afraid of change and growing up, hence the childlike imagery of the sekai. not only that, but even as the other members pursue their dreams across the world, i can't imagine emu as she is now ever leaving pxl, her wonderland. she would be terrified at the prospect of having to protect the pxl of her memories all by herself again.

and what would that mean for the sekai if it did belong to emu? a sekai built around preservation within a narrative that demands progress would make for a very interesting dynamic. much like how empty sekai was built around despair and, well, emptiness, but the narrative of n25 heralds hope and fulfillment. in fact, there could even be a parallel between the two sekais created by an individual's feelings, with the other three members being invited to the sekai so they can inspire those feelings to change. i think the wxs disbandment and emu coming to terms with it would cause wonderland sekai itself undergo a dramatic change, ultimately for the better.

[theamityelf]

What's your take on polytagonist/naehinahara? I just feel like they'd be really cute 'cause they're unconfident boys who would definitely support and be there for each other <3

Also just the thought of them tag teaming in each class trial is really appealing to me............ but how would that even work? maybe in an au where Monokuma gathers all the past killing game survivors for one last killing game? but ough that's just so tragic............ but at the same time can you imagine them taking turns in pairing up together?? investigating together?? 🥹

First of all, of course I love them as a ship! I already like Hinaegi and Naehara separately, and Hinahara would also be a fun combination, with Hajime's steady abrasiveness and Shuichi's more precise, infrequent abrasiveness in-between bouts of malleability.

As for that specific scenario:

Oh my gosh, first of all, I'm going to say for this AU that despite the 77th class all having been brought back after SDR2, only the survivors of that game are in this new killing game. For V3 I'm going to say that was also a simulation, specifically so Kaito and Kokichi can get pulled in on some technicality about their case being inconclusive.

Now, you may look at this as me very specifically targeting the trauma of the THH cast, since they're the only ones whose entire friend group is in the killing game.

Anyway, I'm also going to say everyone's memory is erased except the protags, because whoever set this up is doing it as a specific torture of them. This means we have pre-character development Maki, Fuyuhiko, Byakuya, etc. in play, and if the protagonists try to impress upon them that they're already friends, they just get extremely suspicious and defensive.

Naturally, this means the protagonists all huddle up together right away.

"Alright, who's doing this one?" Makoto wonders.

"I don't know," Hajime says.

"You don't know?" Shuichi repeats in dismay. "You're from the Future Foundation and you're from Ultimate Despair. I thought one of you would have some idea."

"Whoever it is, we're not in a simulation right now," Hajime says.

"You're sure?" Makoto says.

"Positive."

"That's...worse, but...we know our friends. Whoever let us keep our memories did it to hurt us, but we know our friends."

(Hajime levels a sympathetic look on Makoto.)

"Knowing someone doesn't help you stop them from killing, if they feel they have a reason," Shuichi says quietly, thinking of Maki. "And the mastermind is in charge of giving people reasons."

"I probably could have re-befriended my friends the slow way, if I'd caught on faster that they didn't remember me," Makoto sighs. "Now, I weirded them out, and it'll be a lot harder."

"That's okay. You can actually branch out," Hajime suggests. "You should talk to Fuyuhiko and...Yumeno. Those are good matches for you. Once you've gotten to know them, I think Hagakure is also still an option; he's more interested in your seemingly supernatural insights than anything, though aligning yourself with him might not legitimize you in the eyes of Kirigiri, Togami, or Fukawa. I can reason with those three. Shuichi should spend time with Akane and Asahina."

"Then, what about Sonia, Kaito, Maki, Kazuichi, and Kokichi?" Makoto asks.

"Focus on your two for now, okay?"

It is a good idea, and they do mesh well with those groupings, but of course things don't go entirely to plan.

And of course, whenever something terrible happens, they retreat to each other's arms. They're all protective of each other, and they're all protective of their own friends, and the potential for hurt/comfort is matched only by the potential for messiness when some of them have to prioritize who they most want to protect.

Hajime's many talents are, of course, an asset, but if he knows multiple people are in danger at once and he can't save all of them, he's prioritizing his friends (which include Makoto and Shuichi) over their friends and might even have to do a trolley-problem-style switcheroo where Toko dies in Sonia's stead or something of the sort. He wasn't the one to kill her, but he decided who he was more willing to lose.

Shuichi would be willing to lie in the trials, and Kokichi would notice, and Kyoko would probably also notice. Hajime would back up Shuichi's lies when he knows he can get away with it and contradict them when he knows he can't. Makoto would not lie because he finds it really important that everyone is able to trust each other.

Kaito might punch Fuyuhiko in the face at some point. That would go really poorly. Or maybe he tries to punch Fuyuhiko in the face but Makoto's in the way and gets punched instead, solidifying Fuyuhiko's bond with Makoto because now he's got to teach this guy a lesson for effing with both of them! (Kaito is sorry, but like...not sorry enough?)

And Makoto (who passes out on impact, btw; his character development didn't involve not passing out when he gets punched in the face) is just like "No, you don't have to do anything to Kaito!" while Fuyuhiko is all "Sit down and let me handle this."

Makoto realizes, over the course of calming his friend down, that Hajime set both him and Shuichi up with people who could and would protect them from physical threats. He always thought of it as Hajime trusting him to keep Fuyuhiko out of trouble and trusting Shuichi to keep Akane out of trouble, but in a way, he's also trusting his friends to keep Makoto and Shuichi safe.

The day Maki dies or gets executed (I'm sorry, there's no way she sruvives this one.), Shuichi sleeps in Makoto's bed, crying into his chest. Hajime intuits where they both are and brings them food. He wants to curl up on Makoto's other side, but he has to keep watch over the school. There are too many people they can't afford to lose.

(A version of this same AU where it is a simulation is also on the table. In that case, Hajime wouldn't have any Kamukura Project stuff in his head and also motives like Despair Disease could happen.)

[a-blog-for-kat]

Arturo and Charles parallels in DRDT and just how much they're alike and different.

Sorry if this is confusing and all over the place it's just an info dump for myself 😭

So DRDT is a guilty pleasure for me, I enjoy it to death, and I honestly couldn't see myself without it today. It's shaped so much of my personality and how I act and am today.

But enough talk about how drdt has changed me. There's been something on my mind.

You see... Charles and Arturo are some of my favorite characters in despair time. They're both really well written. Then, I started to see more and more similarities between the two men. And my friends can back me up on how crazy I went.

!!SPOILERS FOR ALL OF DESPAIR TIME AHEAD!!

Website information

Arturo and Charles both get a lot of information on the website already, without even needing to watch any episodes of drdt. We can immediately pinpoint a few things just from the character page alone!

Their names follow a "last name is 1 letter shorter than the first name" pattern, and while that holds no significance, I find it funny that BOTH of them have that. It's just a cool little thing, yknow?

They also have condescending lines at the top of their character bio's

Charles:

"Heh. It's a waste of my time talking to an imbecile like you."

Arturo:

"I only talk to attractive people, so you can get out of my sight."

Both of their talents also fall slightly under the "science" field. Chemistry, and

can I say biology for plastic surgery?

They both have similar favorite colors; Charles having his favorite as Cerulean, which is a shade of blue. And Arturo's being a blueish white color.

They both smell alike as well. Laundry Detergent and Antiseptic, both chemical like smells. Both of the things I've just mentioned don't really matter but more tiny similarities between them.

Diving further into the character page we get these lines in their bio's

Arturo is rude, condescending, and has little value for others

And for Charles

He(Charles) looks down upon those he views as less intelligent.

They both speak down to people, having high standards for them, and if you don't meet them, they'll flick you away. They don't care about you unless you meet those very specific standards. You either must be smart or beautiful.

Another small thing about these two we see on the character page: they both have specific likes and almost opposite dislikes when it comes to how the common person would react to this.

Charles:

Likes: Coffee ice cream

Dislikes: Dogs

Arturo:

Likes: Tabloids

Dislikes: Unclean air

Dogs are a beloved pet by many. They're friendly, adorable, lovable, and all in all, just an enjoyable animal to be around. Charles, however, dislikes them. A very opposite view to a common person.

Unclean Air, on the other hand, is something so many people live around and have to deal with every day. It's unlivable to deal with, and many can agree with Arturo's dislike to the dirty breathing.

And that's all we can get from the website. All we can g-

Arturo: You hated them, but even that doesn’t justify what you did.

Charles: If you forgot it, then it probably wasn’t important to begin with. None of those memories should ever be kept, anyway.

Oh... those things. Arturo seems to be the catalyst for this, causing something to happen to "them" because of hatred.

Charles seems to be on the other end, something happening to him and then his memories being gone and then being told, "none of those members should ever be kept anyway."

A theme you should keep in mind. The attacker/catalyst and the receiver/victim.

Now let's move on :3

Prologue

In the Prologue, we get another simple scene of Arturo being condescending towards others when we first "meet" him:

Arturo: Tch. Do I need to spell it out any more for you two(Xander and Teruko)?

Arturo: You two are ugly. And I don’t talk to ugly people. So get out of my sight.

Charles also doesn't hold high standards when he meets "us," telling us that our talents are useless, and then we get this amazing thing

Charles: I was informed that Hope's Peak Academy was allegedly a prestigious place filled with talented people, but I see now that I may have been better off going to an elementary school with a bunch of children.

Bro is roasting us and leaving nothing left but ashes !!! (/j)

Sadly, I couldn't find too much to compare these two men with in the Prologue since they don't get much screen time as a whole. Though I do have to say neither of them seemed to even give a single care about the killing game, even saying they wouldn't mind.

Chapter 1

These two act just like an old married couple like, seriously. They're just bickering back and forth but absolutely ROASTING the living life out of each other.

I said I respected your talent, Arturo, not your character nor your weird obsession with attractiveness. Those latter aspects could use significant work.

At least my talent could fix your ugly face. There's nothing that can be done for your foul personality.

They need frigging Levi to break them up like who knows where they could've gone with that back and forth banter and for seemingly "serious" characters they can get down right PETTY responses.

But. That's basically them during chapter 1, rude, condescending, awful assholes who no one really likes. Not even me. Though I thought Whit was going to be an awful character, so tkle that into account.

Until the BDA.

Both of them had slightly important roles in the BDA. Arturo finds the body with Veronika and is a catalyst into the BDA announcement going off. And then Charles, who is the unfortunate victim of finding the body of Teruko while she's unconscious and bloody. Running off in fear and panic as he has to cope with the fact he saw a bloody body. And he hated it.

Arturo was pretty accusatory during the trial, but that wasn't something out of the ordinary. Everyone was. Though he did save Teruko and was a major part of her being in the good condition she is. As good as you can get eoth a stab to the abdomen anyway. Charles, though, he was quiet. He didn't speak. He was horrified by what he saw.

Huh. Being a catalyst and saving someone from having worse injuries and then being the victim of seeing a body. This is another time it's happened.

Chapter 2

Chapter 2 is where shit goes down for these guys. So, in chapter two we start out with the motives being announced, and MonoTV being the incompetent FUCK it is, mixed them up and gave the wrong secrets to everyone.

So Arturo ends up getting J's secret about J being the child of Mariabella Rosales and this. This makes him absolutely obsessed over J. Causing him to go into a negative arc, going from an asshole to a creep.

Charles, on the other hand, has become at least slightly nicer and more bearable to be around. Whit has even said

"He's not an asshole all of the time. He's only an asshole some of the time."

Which is an improvement from when we first met him, he was rude pretty much every line he spoke. So he's going into a positive arc, becoming a more positive person.

And then we learn their secrets. Both of them have something to do with a family member dying:

Charles is visibly shocked but takes it like a champ and goes on about having parents keep secrets about your life from you for your safety.

Arturo, on the other hand... despite Eden being a sweetheart about it, that wasn't enough. Arturo threatened her with his scalpel.

The trial happens, and Arturo is quite defensive the whole time while Charles actually tries to keep the trial going on the right track.

Hell, look at the visual differences between the CG's they had this chapter:

Arturos are in a more negative light while Charles's are in a more positive light.

Family

Ah, family. A quote from a show "Family will always end up together, somehow" - Rescue Bots.

Not these families, though..

Elliot "Ellie" Cuevas is the older sibling of Charles Cuevas by about 11-13 years. They share many visual similarities and similar likes. Ellie is implied to be a much more laid-back person with the vibes his music video gave off. An older sibling who cared for their younger brother dearly. Elliot was an example for Charles. He'll the latter even grew their hair out because of the former.

Ellie is speculated to have died from a dog attack as Elliot love dogs, and Charles not only dislikes them but also has a scar on their arm from a dog (but was told and believes it's a birthmark). Charles most likely was present at the death of his brother and from that developed a phobia of blood and dead bodies.

A victim caught up in the awful tragedy of losing a beloved.

Felicity Giles is the younger sister of Arturo Giles by 3-4 years. She is shy and has low self-esteem but has never made a canonical appearance. One of the only siblings(the only sibling of the 4 important ones we've seen) that don't have a canon look.

We know she committed suicide because Arturo left her. We don't know the circumstances surrounding it, though it's commonly speculated Arturo left for medical school. Arturo denies it being his fault. However. See where denial gets you.

The catalyst for pushing his sister to suicide by leaving.

Bonus:

It's just a silly little thing. The placement of Arturo and Charles on the website is that Charles is 3rd on the website character order, and Arturo is 10th.

Nothing big, right? Well guess what happens episode 3.

Yep. Charles is threatened by Teruko, the protagonist, with her custom weapon. In the infirmary, nonetheless.

Now, that'd just be a one-off thing, right? Well, Episode 10 rolls around and..

Yep. Episode 10 is the episode where Arturo threatens Eden, the support in a sense, with his custom weapon in the infirmary.

One last thing..visual similarities:

And also they both have something covering a part of their face !!!

Green is associated with disgust, and Arturo is disgusted quite a lot.

Purple is associated with fear, Charles is fearful quite a bit around blood and dead bodies.

---

Thank you for reading all this and listening to me ramble, it means a lot. ❤️

[deathmetalunicorn1]

omg you're so good at breaking my heart 🥺💔

the poseidon and charybdis headcanons have been breaking me but the latest one 😭

Please can we have an au where poseidon actually wins or charybdis decides to give him a chance? I have a feeling he'd be SUCH a yandere!dad, especially in the last part of the fight where he screams "I’m taking Charybdis- my daughter, back from you filthy humans!"

Poseidon as a yandere!dad would be so insane, he'd be so possessive, obsessive, and overprotective especially since he has such a sweet and innocent daughter 🥺🥺

-Despair and guilt were the only emotions that Poseidon could feel, as well as anger at himself.

-You, his little daughter, was lost. You had found a new family, a new papa and mama in Adam and Eve, calling them such.

-You now had a massive family, between your new parents, the human fighters, the valkyries, and Hercules.

-You no longer needed him. You no longer wanted him.

-He wallowed in his own anguish, all of which was his own causing, hiding away in a private room that he trashed within moments of entering, then sat for what felt like hours.

-Poseidon was in a fog, unable to comprehend any thoughts other than you, what he did to you, and what he didn’t.

-As a king, he kept all emotions locked deep within him, hidden away from the eyes of others, from the eyes of those who look up to him and respect him, even if it is respect out of fear.

-But seeing you, his child, terrified of him and calling another man, a human man of all things, your papa.

-Poseidon longed for a second chance, to go back in time to that point where he walked away from you and your mother, to take you with him instead of abandoning you.

-He longed to be able to go back and defend you against Zeus; Poseidon clutched his chest over his heart as he could only remember your face when you told him that you were just so hungry, and for it, you were severely punished.

-His eyes widened, “That’s it!”

-He quickly ran out, searching out a specific god, one that he knew would help him, or else.

-Poseidon ran into the room of Chronos, Greek God of time, shocking him as Poseidon ran to him, grabbing his arms, desperate, “You can send people back into time, right? Can you send me back into time?!”

-Chronos was going to refuse, before he saw the desperation in the eyes of the sea god, “State to me your intentions first. Unweaving what has been done to reweave it may cause more problems than what you have now.”

-Poseidon shook his head, “I don’t care! I’ll deal with the problems if they should arise! I want to save my daughter from those filthy humans!!”

-Chronos nodded, opening a portal to the past, “Think of ‘when’ you want to return to. This portal will take you there.”

-Poseidon shocked him a second time by thanking him and ran through. The pain he felt was immense, time returning to the day he abandoned your mother, no longer wanting to be with her.

-He gasped harshly, holding his chest as he looked around, seeing he was younger, a bit smaller, all his memories remained as he immediately turned, hearing you crying as you begged your mother not to leave you as she screamed at you that it was your fault he left.

-Poseidon immediately stalked over, seeing you in tears, “Wrong, it was your fault I left. And I only left you, not Charybdis.”

-You gasped, seeing your father and you immediately stood and ran over, “Papa!” he caught you, holding you tightly, he silently vowed that he would never abandon you again as your mother screeched in defiance, going to charge at the two of you.

-Poseidon held you tightly, “Close your eyes and don’t open them until I tell you to.” You nodded, burying your face into his chest as he gripped his trident and attacked and killed your mother.

-Once he walked far enough away, he pecked your forehead, getting your attention as he smiled softly down at you, adoration in his eyes, “You’re safe now, my daughter. Nothing will ever hurt you again.”

-You beamed, hugging him around his neck, “I love you papa!” he hugged you back, continuing to walk as he thought about what he could do to make things safer for you at this second chance.

-As much as he wanted to get rid of the humans so they wouldn’t take you, Poseidon wanted to show you how compassionate he was, not wanting to scare you away, he wanted you by his side with love, not fear.

-Many of the other gods were shocked by Poseidon’s sudden change of attitude, wanting to help the humans, and he demanded the same of the other gods, punishing those who were so cruel to humans, telling everyone that the human are their creation, their responsibility, it’s their duty as gods to guide them to create a better world!

-You were in awe of your papa, praising him for being so kind, and he ate up every one of your praises with glee, making sure he did the same to you, doting on you and caring for you, as you were his precious daughter.

-He wasn’t going to lose you again.

[aita-blorbos]

WIBTA for NOT killing a guy?

So. The apocalypse is coming within the next few months. The new transfer student at my school/my friend/my crush/my almost-boyfriend/my sleep paralysis demon/the thing that's lived inside me for the last ten years/the harbinger of doom has made that clear. (Actually, I'm just gonna call him R to make things easy.)

Soon, the goddess of death, Nyx, will descend upon the world and bring it to an end. We can't stop this from happening, as it is already in motion and she is, apparently, undefeatable.

Well, R told us that we have two options: we can futilely attempt to fight Nyx, which will cause us to live the rest of our days in ultimate despair and fear of unavoidable death or... I can kill R.

Me. Specifically. Nobody else can kill him because nobody else had him living inside them for ten years. (Long story. Not super relevant.)

Killing R would slightly delay Nyx's arrival, though not by much, but, more importantly, everyone would forget about anything relating to her. My friends and I would be able to live as happy, normal high school students until Nyx comes and brings quick, painless death to everyone.

The thing is, though, that I don't want to kill R. He's my friend, he's the guy I like, and I don't want to forget about everything that's happened over the last year. Ever since my parents died, I've kind of... not really been living? I just kind of existed. It was only once I moved here this past April and met my friends that I've learned to be happy again. Those memories would be among the ones that vanish if I kill R.

It might be selfish but I think I'd rather take my chances fighting Nyx, even if my friends ultimately decide they don't want to. And, you know, it has to be me who kills R, so it's ultimately my decision.

So, uh, would that make me the asshole?

[rekino2114]

Teruko, Arei, and J from despair time having a rich and shy reader who is ultimate CEO and have crush on them.

Reader dont know how to show impress or love to them, so they only show love by buying expensive that girls really like and they be on nervous wreck to overthink they don't like it and run away from them.

Hope you have nice day, be healthy, and great job on writing my guy :D

Teruko, arei and j with an ult. CEO reader

Teruko tawaki

Teruko very rarely receives gifts, there aren't that many people who like her enough to give her one and even when they do, there's a very high chance she either doesn't like the girl or it gets broken because of her luck.

So she was very surprised when you gave her something that she really liked even if she didn't talk to you that much because of your shyness, she smiled slightly and was about to thank you when she saw you run behind a corner and staring at her with a blushing face.

She really appreciates the gifts but she does get kinda annoyed that she can't thank you before you run away from her (she actually thinks it's really cute) so she decided to make the first move herself.

"Hey, wait! Before you go, thanks for the gifts they're always really great, and I love them, I'd feel awful if I didn't repay you somehow, so wanna hang out sometimes?"

Arei nageishi

If teruko rarely receives gifts then arei has probably never received one, all of the one she might have gotten were probably either stolen or vandalized by her sisters and when she went to Hope's peak no one wanted to be friends with her let alone give her a gift (except eden)

She thought you were trying to prank her when you gave her a gift box and run away but she was pleasantly surprised when she opened it and found something she really liked.

She was very intrigued by your gift and so she decided to chase you right there and then to get you to explain yourself.

"Hey what's this? Why did you give this to me?"

"S-sorry I just thought you would have liked it, I really shouldn't have assumed"

"Uh? No, I like it, but why did you give it to me specifically?"

"Uhm cause I kinda like you"

"O-oh! Thanks I guess. Since you gave me this I guess the least I could do is hang out with you or whatever"

J rosales

Unlike the two girls above, j is pretty used to getting gifts, but it's not necessarily a positive thing for her. The only reason why anyone ever gifted her some is because of her mom, so they weren't things she liked but things other people thought she liked, most of them were really gifts for her mom and not her.

Which made it all the more surprising when you gave her something she actually liked, and while she could probably buy it whenever she wanted getting it as a gift made her heart race since it was probably the first time she received a sincere one.

She continues to silently take and appreciation the gifts you gave her for a while and then decided to approach you with a gift of her own.

"Hey, this is for you. After all of those gifts you gave me, I wanted to give you something myself. Don't worry about the price. I hope you like it"

[makingspiritualityreal]

Study of Source of Ketu's Struggles Mylène Farmer - Désenchantée

A famous popular French - language song from the 90s by a Franco-Canadian (hello fellow Quebecoise) singer, who according has Rahu in Magha Nakshatra closing in on her Lagna, reveals the feeling and thinking process of Ketu influenced natives, that leads to their suffering. This text can be especially relatable to you if Ketu in your chart is in conjunction with a planet, placed in an angular house 1, 4, 7, 10 or if your chart has any of the Ketu ruled Nakshatras, Ashwini, Magha and Mula.

For those who are relatively new to Vedic concepts, before I start bringing up relevant lines from the song, first a reminder that Ketu just like Rahu, is a Node of the Moon. The Moon is childlike and reactive. Moon is the most biased, personal planet, responsible for our unstable emotional patterns, our sensitivity and response to the environment. Rahu and Ketu are two Eclipse points opposite each other, where at the moment of our birth, the consciousness is the most foggy, and thus prone to confusion that breeds fear, paranoia, obsession or disillusionment. While Rahu is the energy that clings and devours out of fear, Ketu is the energy that moves away and lets go out of hopelessness. Of course, these sentiments are purely subjective regurgitations of our subconscious beliefs rooted in early childhood, which can be reprogrammed, but anyone who tried training their subconscious mind and facing their deepest fears knows it is not easy and takes a lifetime.

The erroneous belief that somebody else can save us from ourselves and our own head, mixed with extreme sensitivity and blaming our internal suffering on the external world. Feeling lost in society.

"Whose hand should I hold onto?"

"I'm looking for a soul that could help me."

"Who can pretend to cradle me, who can give me something nourishing I can devote myself to?"

"Who can stop me from hearing everything I hear when my reason collapses?"

The answer to these questions is, nobody. Every human being in the world suffers from their own struggle, and that is our point of connection. We are all a hero of our own story, and some stories have similar battles, but we all ultimately fight our own. All these questions are driven by Ketu, the illusion of clinging to safety. Most importantly, these lines show that deep down there is an awareness, that all we are looking for here is an illusion ("who can PRETEND to make me feel safe") but in our despair, we don't care, because we want to experience a feeling of relief....based on whatever was programmed in our subconscious mind in childhood.

This error of perception is probably the number one cause of suffering for both Nodes. Moon rules self awareness and self soothing, thus such as its goal, as is the goal of the Nodes. But the Nodes, being the most troubled points in our minds, attach specifically to the darkest parts of our psyche, looking for that soothing in confused ways, while a healthy Moon as a planet provides sources for real, tangible emotional relief. While fundamentally the pain we experienced in the past that formed the Nodal emotional distortion was caused by our interactions with other people, we would waste our time eternally clinging to solely blaming those who hurt us, who might even be dead by the time we reach adulthood. We see that more and more, after we grow up, leave whatever hurt us in our primary environment and attract 10 boyfriends in a row that are toxic just like daddy was. By this point the toxicity is not external, it is deeply rooted within us.

Of course we need to be conscious of who caused what sort of imbalance in our psyche, and how they provoked us to feel and react, for the sake of understanding of cause and consequence, and we need to make space for processing our anger, but staying stuck internally forever pointing fingers at everyone else, even if they are to blame, isn't going to get anyone anywhere. At the end of the day, we are responsible for out own peace of mind, simply because no one can enter our heads and fix how we feel for us. Even if we have external help, no one can help us if we don't have the will to help ourselves. Ketu seeks that support through clinging, while Rahu seeks connection through rebelling and getting support for their eccentricity, but both still very much view these behaviours as solutions, projecting their internal struggles into the external world and seeking validation from it.

A person suffering from Nodal affliction may say or feel:

"There is something wrong with the world"

"There is something wrong with society"

"The world doesn't support me as it should"

"I am from a disillusioned generation" = this generation doesn't hold anything of value for me when it should

"These [specific people] should absolutely do this for me now and I won't do anything to move my life forward until they do"

And all of these notions are a sign of lack of understanding, that external things come to us in the form they're meant to, not in the precise form we demand, and the best thing we can do is surrender and let time do its work in completing for us what we can't do ourselves. Which is why Saturn exalts in the 7th house of the Other that is not Ourselves, and why Saturn and Ketu are enemies, since Ketu's primal clinginess and anxiety struggles under Saturn's pressure to develop spiritual surrender.

2. Hopelessness, disillusionment, pessimism, lack of faith in experiencing new things and sensations, lack of desire to improve circumstances, inherently negative belief in only "lesser evil" but no positives.

"Waiting right here [in the same bad spot] for the end"

"Floating in overly heavy air of almost nothingness"

"If I have to fall, at least let it be slow"

"Everything is chaos, where next to my ideas lie their crushed phrasings"

"If there is a possibility of Hell in contrast to Heaven, Heaven can wait for me"

Ketu finds safety by giving up , but not because it doesn't care. It gives up because it cares so much it can't bear the possibility of loss. It can't take failure...because it threatens the illusion of having an absolute safe point within this Universe. As a result, it disconnects from everything that might be potentially risky...and since Existence itself contains a fundamental element of risk, Ketu finds itself stuck in a void of its own making, cutting itself off from everything out of fear.

Reality is, in order to even have a chance of obtaining Heaven, you have to risk Hell. Reality is, life is neither, but our head makes it a mix of both...when life simply IS, steadfast in its simplicity of existence with no judgment . The Node's compulsion struggles with that objectivity, instinctively approaching every situation with judgment based on their false safety paradigms of either instant attack or instant withdrawal.

3. Controlling nature mixed with attempts at predicting every possible outcome, feeling like we can see everything coming. Feeling numb as a coping mechanism.

"Swimming in troubled waters of [potential most probably fake lol] scenarios of [infinite possible combinations we imagine] of tomorrows"

"I only found rest in indifference"

"Nothing makes sense and Nothing goes well"

"If Death is a mystery, There is nothing to hold onto in Life" [because who knows if there is anything after death. Can't control it now so must fear it lol]

Because of its obsessive perfectionism, Ketu ultimately erodes the good things that might have otherwise manifested on its path. Ketu pretends to surrender...but in reality, it's like Novocaine. It's like an anaesthetic drug...from which you eventually have to wake up from. Everything about it is an attempt to spin in its own illusion, replaying the same controlled motion picture over and over, and living within it, not letting anything take us out of that narrow, suffocating space. It is adept at using its own skill and control mastery against our own well being...to lie to itself, using past as false proof, while in fact it takes so much more than cynicism to gain actual bigger picture understanding of life.

Bonus: The Moon's and Node's fundamental desire to return to a blissful childhood state. "I would like to rediscover innocence". Just like Rahu, Ketu wants Jupiter. An all powerful parent, that can make it experience innocence, one last time, even if we know it's a lie, and we can never truly be completely carefree, because even if we had the healthiest parents in the world, they are ultimately also human and flawed, so the notion of being completely cared for through their presence doesn’t exist and never did, so our idea of an innocent point to return to is false.

But if we never really were carefree to begin with, in this Universe of paradoxes that means we actually always fundamentally are. And that realization is the point where Ketu finds its liberation.

[claranoctis]

What is this twst blood born au?

Hello! It took me a really long time to write this, but I'm really glad I did, and, well, here's the answer to your question. Long post ahead, you're warned.

It's one of my three main TWST AUs! A cross-over of sorts which puts the TWST characters into the setting of Bloodborne, From Software game which I love a lot.

To put it simple: it tells a story of a city named Yharnam, a place with a super gloomy, dark and gothic aesthetic. Also some Cthulhu vibes are here as well, lots of those.

The city is a pretty popular place due to the blood-healing ritual that's practiced here and is said to heal all possible illnesses and injuries in the world. The thing is: this ritual is using the blood of beings that come from a higher level of existence, and not only does it turn people into hideous beasts with time; those beings (the Great Ones) themselves get pretty interested in human realm and start to mess with it and all the people involved in the main story. The night of the Hunt begins: a never-ending night that traps everyone in the city overflowing with monsters and other terrifying beings, waiting for the world of Nightmares where the Great Ones reign to unfurl and eat the city whole.

Lore and plot this game has is one of my top favorites ever! But that was an introduction to Bloodborne itself. Now to the AU:

Characters of TWST are sometimes in the same positions as canon BB chars but they aren't specifically them, though the story (…or lack thereof) mostly goes along the plot of the original game with some slight differences. I'm not sure if what I'm explaining is understandable without previous introduction to Bloodborne itself, but…

[LOCATION & ORGANIZATION NAMES]

I've changed them a bit, wanted this stuff to sound more unique.

• Yharnam = Corvareth

• Byrgenwerth College = Murkveten College

• Cainhurst Castle = Bruyerdorn Castle

• Yahr'gul, the Unseen Village = Malg'hur, the Unseen Village

So:

[ Heartslabyul ]

Characters of Heartslabyul all belong to the Healing Church, the organization which came up with the bloodministration and spread the usage of the Old Blood in the city of Corvareth. They've thought they're helping people with this, but it turned out they really didn't. Now what's left of the Church is trying to deal with the mess they've started, but there's no chance to stop the chaos now.

(Oh, by the way: White Church refers to the clirics and healers who have advanced methods of healing and practice actual medical stuff, while Black Church are… well, the hunters, who clean up the mess, fignt monsters and all that. Both White Church and Black Church are parts of Healing Church)

• Riddle Rosehearts

He's heavily based on Laurence.

Riddle was one of the scholars of Murkveten, and one of the first people to discover Old Blood's effects. He got really into the whole thing, and due to his idealistic beliefs wanted to heal the people of Corvareth and make the all-healing blood accessible to them, so he founded the Healing Church with his closest allies and gained popularity and fame in the city. Little did he know…

The Beast Plague (caused by Old Blood) started to spread around, and he slowly fell into despair when he understood what he's done. His mental state and usage of the Old Blood made him turn into a monster himself - and a much more dangerous than any normal people would be, too. His closest subordinates, Trey and Cater, fought him only to get the beast locked in the Cathedral basement. They've wanted to kill him, but couldn't bring themselves to do so. He's still locked there, making the Cathedral shake with his violent rampage, but he can't get out. Or doesn't really want to.

• Trey Clover

He was one of Riddle's two closest allies and was left in charge of the Healing Church when Riddle turned into a monster. He always doubted the Old Blood but couldn't force himself to speak up to Riddle, knowing he won't be able to convince him and will only make him angry and spark distrust between them. And now he and Cater are in charge of everything, trying to get out of the mess while knowing there's probably no escape.

Due to his doubts he didn't use the Old Blood much, so he's not a beast… yet.

Orders he gives are mostly driven by despair, and he isn't in touch with what's happening on the battlefield the city got turned into. A huge part of the city is in flames, other regions are flooding with monsters, and the Church hunters are trying to fight them off - but there's no chance they'll be able to.

• Cater Diamond

Trey's right hand man and also the one who actually is in touch with whatever's going on in the city. He's gone mad though and doesn't care the slightest what comes out ot it all, as he believes it's imposible to save anything now, so he just goes with the flow. He doesn't fight the beasts himself, only informs the church hunters of the head's decisions.

• Ace & Deuce

They're the youngest Black Church hunters in their squad, also the only ones who are still alive. After a huge part of the city got lit aflame because of the current church head's orders, they've both started to question what's going on. All of their comrades are dead, have turned into monsters or gone crazy, so they sort of gave up on the orders, and Ace decided to go back to the Cathedral and tell Cater everything he thinks about it all. Deuce was intending to go with him but they've got separated and he ended up at the Vil's clinic.

[ Savanaclaw ]

I took some, so to say, artistic liberties to Bloodborne's lore, so their story doesn't really go along with it, yet I'm pleased with how it turned out.

They're all traveling hunters who started to develop beastly features due to usage of the Old Blood, but they didn't turn into monsters completely and still have their personalities almost intact. It's because they've taken some other Old Blood found in their home countries, which was mixed with some other otherwordly ingredients and thus had a lighter effect on them, but they still might turn into monsters any moment if they continue to use it more. They've teamed up on some point of their lives and travel together now.

• Leona Kingscholar

A second prince of a faraway country (he keeps this fact a secret from everyone except Ruggie, who knew all along) who was investigating the secret Old Blood usage in their city, and after unraveling the aristocracy using its effects to gain health and prolong their lives he was backed into a corner by them and forced to take the Old Blood himself (they thought he'd comply if they'd force him to be a part of the scheme, it didn't work). It had a pretty vivid effect on him, turning him into a half-beast, and after that he murdered them all and ran away with Ruggie (whom he saved during all those events).

• Ruggie Bucchi

A poor boy who lived in the slums all his life before being captured and experimented on by the aristocracy trying to figure out how to use the Old Blood properly. He was their first example of a half-beast who kept his mind after turning into one, all other of their captives either died or turned into mindless monsters.

He was saved by Leona later, and they've left the country to travel around the world after that.

• Jack Howl

A fellow traveler they've met along the way. They were rivals at first and tried to kill each other, but then sort of talked it out and understood that they're actually in the same half-beast condition and it'd probably be better to team up instead of fighting.

[ Octavinelle ]

I've decided to tie them to the Kin… stuff, and, once again, took some artistic liberties when it comes to Bloodborne lore. They're all crazy and one leg in the Nightmare realm (well… with both of his legs and all of his tentacles for Azul). They were scholars in the Murkveten College once, now they're just crazy nightmare fellas. Azul is lightly based on Rom.

• Azul Ashengrotto

Azul was a scholar in the Murkveten College, a close friend of Idia and Leech brothers, and got really into the Great Ones stuff. Well, they all did, but not all of them tried to turn themselves into one. With help of his fellow scholars he gained himself a status of a Kin - a being in a state between the actual Great Ones and humans or other mortal beings. He's still him, to some degree, but… his mind is much more twisted now, and his actual body is a pile of eyes & tentacles located in the Nightmare Realm. The image of his old self some still see sometimes is simply his projection into the mortal world which he uses to appear less threatening. Some Kins are nice to humans, but he really isn't - he enjoys manipulating them and tricking them to fall into madness, promising them miracles and their wishes granted. He does grant the wishes… in a way, so to say, but exploits each and every little slip to turn the events into something hideous.

• Floyd & Jade

Azul's fellow scholars who hanged out with him during their times at the Murkveten College. They've helped Azul with his research, and when he became a Kin, he took them to the Nightmare Realm. They've changed a bit as well, though they're not Kin, but not humans anymore - they're tied to the Nightmare Realm in some way, and their physical traits are now more monster-like: they've got sharp teeth, those weird merfolk ears, scales and spikes here and there, all the stuff. They're also very dedicated to help Azul with his plans and protect both his actual body and his physical projection (Floyd mostly hangs out in the Waking World, while Jade is in the Nightmare Realm). Their abilities are allowing them to travel between the Nightmare Realm and the Waking World very easily - they are tied to each other, being sort of a bridge between the realms themselves, and can come to aid one another if needed, or replace each other. Both things are done via their shadows.

[ Scarabia ]

They're travelers who came to the city of Corvareth in search for all-healing Old Blood. They couldn't get it in their homeland, and Kalim needs it desperately due to being sick.

• Kalim Al-Asim

One of the travelers who came to Corvareth to heal, only to get stuck in the city when the Hunt began. He's a cheerful guy, pretty oblivious to the stuff around him, or at least he tries to be so he doesn't descend into madness. He had to use Old Blood to treat his sickness, and while it was only a small amount, he still may turn into a beast some time after. His light-hearted nature helps him save his mind from the horrors around him, but he's really worried about Jamil who keeps getting hurt while protecting him from monsters and citizens of the Corvareth who've gone crazy, and has to use more and more Old Blood to stay alive.

• Jamil Viper

Kalim's servant and bodyguard. He protected him during their travels, but they've never seen anything as bad as the stuff happening in this damned city. He stays with Kalim and doesn't abandon his duty, but still knows that their path ends here no matter what they do, and falls into despair thinking that there's no way out. He uses the Old Blood mindlessly and tries to get himself killed faster, having no hope for them both. His feelings about Kalim are conflicted: he still tries to keep him safe, but his optimistic view on the situation hurts and angries Jamil, so he's torn between "entrust protecting Kalim to someone more reliable" or "kill Kalim himself so he doesn't suffer when Jamil inevitaly dies".

[ Pomefiore ]

Their story is tied to the Vil's clinic mostly; they all belong to the Healing Church, too. Also they're vampires- or, well, Bloodborne's analogue of vampires, vilebloods. Or, more accurately, young vilebloods (Diasomnia being the original vilebloods). Also their story happens before all the 'beast plague' and 'turning into monsters' stuff. Vil is in a way based on Iosefka… and the imposter Iosefka at the same time.

• Vil Shoenheit

A White Church cliric who owns a clinic and practices blood-healing (…wow. What a rhyme). He actually helps people most of the time, but has a more dark nature underneath it - he once studied the matters of immortality and found out about the old dynasty which once ruled their kingdom, the Vilebloods. After that he continued his research knowing it must be kept a secret, and eventually found the substance which made the Vilebloods immortal. There was little of it left, but he gained an example and turned himself into the same kind of being. He's immortal now, but has discovered a newfound hunger to drink human blood after becoming one, and he tried to fight this urge but eventually gave up. He keeps it to decent amounts and reasons with himself by only killing the people who are beyond saving (or those who threathen his well-being).

• Rook Hunt

He was a hunter and a part of the Black Church before joining Vil in his clinic. Actually, he was sent by Neige to investigate whatever's happening in the clinic, and hanged out around Vil for some time while studying him and the business he was up to. They almost became friends due to both being into poetry & literature, and talked about it for hours, but then Rook found found out about all the vileblood stuff and tried to kill Vil because of that. He couldn't bring himself to give it his all, so he hesitated, made a mistake and was injured himself, and nearly died, only to be saved by Vil who actually didn't want to kill him. After being nursed back to health he talked it out with Vil and decided to stay with him, covering his stuff up before the Church and warding off any people who are too curious about them. Also he got a White Church attire to pretend to be a cliric, not a hunter, because Black Church has a bad reputation and that'd ruin the image of the clinic… oh, and, well. Vill turned him into a vileblood to, using his own blood to do so.

After the start of the Hunt, though, their little secret became irrelevant and heads of the Church left them be. Sort of.

• Epel Felmier

A young White Church cliric who was sent to the clinic to continue his medical studies and train under Vil's surveillance. He was intending to become a Black Church hunter, but wasn't built for fighting, so he had to study medicine harder if he wanted to get anywhere, and that's how he ended up at the clinic. He met Rook there, and found him really scary and intimidating, and started to think that Rook's the mastermind behind something shady that was happening (he wasn't exactly sure what it was, though - he knew some rumors and noticed something weird, but didn't get the whole picture). So he came to Vil to talk about it, and told him everything that was bugging him, and Vil was like - oooh.

They actually both had a soft spot for Epel and didn't want to kill him for trying to unravel their secret, so they actually told him everything (it wasn't a fun talk and it wasn't easy for him though) and offered him a opportunity to become a vileblood himself and be a part of their little company. The other option was… killing him, though… but… well.

So, he became a vileblood, and after the secret was gone they actually warmed up for each other.

Then they've saved Deuce, and he joined the party too (idk, he's probably not a vileblood though).

[ Ignihyde ]

Crazy scholars: part two. Idia's story references both Micolash… and, surprisingly, Gehrman, to some extent. Ortho has some resemblance to the Doll.

• Idia Shroud

A scholar of the Murkveten College and a former friend of Azul. He has heard about Azul becoming a Kin, but was so submerged into his own problems that he found out what happened to him too late. Azul came to Idia as a projection a few times, but Idia thought he was a hallucination, as he had plenty of those.

He lost his younger brother, Ortho, in the expedition to the underground ruins, but believed he didn't die fully but his mind was "taken to the Nightmare Realm" instead. He saw Ortho in his dreams, and this mental image of Ortho asked Idia to join him there. He also instructed Idia to give him a body for his mind to inhabit, and Idia built a doll that was eerily similiar to Ortho.

(He actually didn't share those crazy theories and thoughts with anyone but Kin Azul, so the doll was the only thing people sort of knew of - maybe someone witnessed him making it, or saw it in his room)

And so, Idia fixated upon the idea of going where Ortho is. Due to this, he thought about creating a way for him to go to the Nightmare Realm - or, rather, bring the Nightmare Realm to the Waking World, tie them together in some way.

He founded the School of Mensis in the Malg'hur, the Unseen Village; they studied and worshipped the Great Ones, hoping to use their power to connect with the world of the unseen knowledge. Other scholars were crazy enough as well, so they were into the whole thing - but because of different reasons, of course.

No one answered… until Azul finally decided to 'grant his wish'. And Idia was, indeed, taken to the Nightmare Realm, but he died in the real world to get there. Everyone else in the Malg'hur died too, but Idia was a special case, because not only Azul helped him, he also entrusted him to Ortho - or whatever posed as him, - because the being calling himself Ortho showed intent in protecting Idia in a way Azul couldn't do himself. So he trusted him with this, and got into this crazy plan. It's probably the only time Kin Azul actually sincerely wanted to help someone (and yet it turned into a mess anyway…).

What Idia thinks is a Nightmare Realm is actually a small part of it that he's unable to escape - for the better, probably. He did meet Ortho again, though, so he got what he wanted - the doll Idia built actually came to life when he got there.

• Ortho Shroud (a human)

He was a scholar of the Murkveten College as well. He was an idealist, very excitable, and believed in the good stuff studying the Great Ones might bring. Once Ortho and Idia joined one of the expeditions to the underground ruins, because Ortho suggested it, and during it he died horribly - underground dwellers who inhabited the dungeon attacked them, and he got separated from the group, only to be cornered up by the monsters and killed. Idia saw his dead body after that but didn't believe he actually died.

• Ortho Shroud (a doll)

A sentient being who contacted Idia through his dreams and guided him to the Nightmare Realm. It's friendly - towards Idia, at least - and actually acts as if it loves him and wants to protect him. Idia believes it's Ortho himself, or tries to believe that, at the very least.

The Nightmare Realm is horrible, but the place they live in is… still a bit creepy, but rather peaceful; it's a house with a small garden, covered by mist and a bit gloomy. Doll Ortho guards it, and other Nightmare-dwellers rarely try to attack… because the place's hidden, but also because they're afraid of him.

[ Diasomnia ]

Artistic liberties, even more of those…

• Malleus Draconia

Malleus is a Child of Blood born from the the previous queen of the Bruyerdorn Castle. He isn't human, but also not exactly a Kin, not a Great One either… Just some fucked-up immortal dude with questionable morality.

The vileblood queen, his mother, left the castle long ago, with all of her servants and fellow vilebloods, and was never heard from since. Malleus doesn't rule over the city, just… stays in the castle - he's actually forbidden from leaving it by his mother's will, and Lilia has to make sure he never tries to escape.

He's immortal, and he's powerful, and also… kind of lonely? And much more fucked up than the canon version of him. For an example, he eats people (well… everyone in the Bruyerdorn castle does, though)… also he sometimes locks people up if he likes them. And can be pretty cruel when he's bored.

• Lilia Vanrouge

Previous queen's first knight, one she trusted with guarding Malleus while she's away and keeping him inside of the castle.

He's violent, harsh and has no mercy for humans (except for one, maybe). He was human himself but that was so long ago he doesn't care.

Normally he's the one who goes out to hunt people - for sports or sometimes for food. He kidnapped Silver once during one of his hunts and took him to the castle - not because of compassion to him, but more like… he wanted to make him a tool Malleus could use to cease himself from existence if he wanted to. Because Lilia has chosen to be an immortal vileblood, and Malleus was born this way, he pities the young creature and his form of showing him empathy was to get him a friend with an ability to kill him if needed.

So he sort of… experiments on Silver, trying to change him into a being that's capable of killing a Child of Blood. He knows it's possible from the discussions he had with the queen long ago, when they themselves were new to all the vileblood stuff.

• Sebek Zigvolt

A child of one of the queen's court lady. He was born a human and had to be turned into a vileblood at the age of 16. This made a huge impact on him, and his crazy mother and all the queen's court did as well. He's traumatized to hell and back, and also believes his only purpose is to serve Malleus since Sebek's a vileblood and… well, no one likes you if you're vileblood. Except other vilebloods. And he never knew anything other than this.

His mother ate his human father in front of him. Yeeeeeah a big turn around from how it works in the canon.

• Silver

A human boy at the age of 17. He grew up in the castle after being kidnapped by Lilia in his childhood, and thinks of other inhabitants of it as his "family". The only human he ever met was Rollo, and this wasn't a pleasant encounter (they became friends in the end, but still…). Lilia almost entirely forgot how to cook normal food for a human child, so the "Lilia's weird cooking" strikes again but with some… human meat added to the pot. Hahaha.

Lilia dresses him up in fancy Bruyerdorn aristocracy's clothes that was left in the castle after the queen's court left (mostly fancy dresses) so he doesn't think of Silver as food. Silver doesn't mind.

Also he's quite skilled with sword, Lilia trained him due to being bored. Sebek envies Silver because when he was trained to serve Malleus as a knight Lilia was much harsher on him.

[ Other Characters ]

• Rollo Flamme

He's a Hunter of the Vilebloods, wearing a bell on his head and everything. He's super religious, is a part of the Church and thinks his sole purpose in life is to kill Malleus. Little does he know…

He studies the life in the castle from afar for some time, and while Lilia knows about this, he lets him do his thing since he's curious what Rollo might come up with. He thinks of a plan and secretly enters the enemy's lair, but ends up caught and imprisoned. Imprisoned is… a way to put it, because he is forbidden to leave, but Malleus becomes so interested in his new adorable friend he becomes obsessed. He does keep him in a cage for some time, but then he lets him know that Lilia (or himself) will bring him back no matter what if he tries to run away and allows him to walk around the castle almost freely.

Rollo meets Silver and Sebek, and while Sebek isn't a very approachable guy and hates Rollo with a passion, he becomes friends with Silver. When they first met (when Rollo just got into the castle) they had a fight, but no one won because Lilia came and stopped the stuff. When Rollo sits in a cage, Silver often comes to talk and he's a very sweet boy so Rollo warms up for him after some time.

• Dire Crowley

If master Willem was a bad guy, that would be him.

He's the man behind it all. Once a teacher at the Murkveten College, he was the first man to meet the horrors of the Great Ones, and since this moment he's gone mad and got entirely obsessed with the idea of sacrificing everything, the whole damn world to those creepy creatures.

He pushed all his students closer to madness, told them of the wonders the Old Blood may bring, and then disappeared into nowhere.

If Willem told Lawrence to "Fear the Old Blood", this guy told Riddle (and all of his other students) something like "Hey, Old Blood is awesome, why don't you try some?"

• Neige Leblanche

Rook was one of his subordinates before all the vileblood stuff he got into with Vil. Neige himself is a White Church cliric and a pretty popular figure in the city, and whan all the bad stuff starts happening, he tries to gather people in one of the last left safe places and protect the civillians. This does lead to nothing, but he does all that he could do.

Neige and Vil were rivalous friends during their time in Murkveten College, always competing for the best grades and popularity among their fellow scholars, but then sort of drifted away, and Vil went to manage his clinic and everything while Neige was busy going up the career ladder and taking a place in the Healing Church hierarchy. While he's a White Church cliric, he governs over some of Black Church squads, managing the stuff that may be happening inside of the Healing Church instead of dealing with monsters and other outer dangers. This is kept a secret so it doesn't ruin his good reputation.