#parents who blame their trans kid for 'killing' their real children by being trans. in this au one of the reasons why croc is so

[sualne]

father.

(timeline)

[kidrat]

having feelings about trans Gwen,,, like there's the 'superhero leading a double life' allegory for being closeted, which ppl have noted, but there's plenty I haven't seen anyone mention yet! like, the fact her dad has a trans patch in support of her means she's out.

She's a young trans *girl* (as opposed to a trans woman) living as her authentic gender in a loving home. she went to her school dance in a dress. she did ballet! which of course boys can do too, but often times when people are assigned male they don't get the chance to explore feminine hobbies. It's really lovely that someone, likely Gwen's dad, supported her enough to let her have those girly experiences and memories, whether she was living as a girl when she took dance up or as a gnc boy.

While it's subtle rep, I still think it's awesome to imply a character like Gwen is trans. Trans girls don't always get to have a childhood. Transmisogyny fetishizes transfems and presents them as always victimisers, never victims. They're barred from girlhood and it's connotations of innocence, vulnerability, lovableness.

Not that Gwen isn't a hashtag strong female character! And not that she hasn't had to grow up fast in other ways. She Is Literally Spiderwoman and she plays the drums and has agency and expresses negative emotions. But she's also a teenager, and she gets to be hugged and comforted, and to be set up for a soft friends to lovers relationship with another teenager, a cis boy who respects her and only knows her as a girl and thinks she's amazing and draws her in his sketchbook. That is not a role the media often lets trans girls have!!! It's lovely to think young transfems might be able to see themselves in a character consistently shown as worthy of affection.

Of course, the fact that Gwen is in the closet about being spider-woman is even sadder knowing this is her second rodeo. Lots of us have hesitated to come out a second time because our parents were supportive about the first thing and well, putting something else on them feels like taking the piss or hoping for too much.

Something else I wanted to talk about is how Gwen being trans effects a reading of her Peter's death, especially taking into account the new information this film gave us about this. There's this gendered switch happening, where Peter passes on his usual role to a woman. What's more, he has to die for her story to happen. She loves him, and never wanted him to die, but she's blamed for it anyway. Her father talks affectionately about the dead Peter, calling him his daughter's best friend. He talks about him like a son. He vows revenge on Gwen for killing him. It's a fantastic allegory for how some transphobic parents hate their out trans children for 'killing' the kid they had before.

I think with the above in mind, maybe we can see the subtext of Gwen's arc with her dad in this film as that of a supportive parent who's nevertheless got some biases left that hurt his trans daughter, who doesn't speak up for fear his acceptance is conditional.

I don't think it's a stretch to suggest that protecting a trans daughter is this Captain Stacy's motivation while he's working as a cop. Obviously there's the text that he wants to be a 'good cop' to work against the institution's bigotry, and he displays the trans flag on his work jacket. His quitting the police is a fantastic story beat because it makes a point about the real world while also serving a lot of the analogies going on.

Good cops quit. They realise you can't be a well intentioned cog in a bigoted machine. It doesn't matter if you're a bigot or just taking actions a bigot might because you're working within parameters set by bigots. It's an important message. Within a trans reading of the film, I'd also see this plot moment as Stacy realising he can't protect his trans daughter if he's still playing by the rules of a society that see her as threatening and duplicitous. He's then able to stop seeing her on some level as having killed his son.

They're able to be close again because he has completely rejected the cis culture he was a part of, rather than just decrying the worst parts and slotting Gwen in. She no longer has to worry that he'll rescind his acceptance if she's too trans, and so he gets to know all of her because she can let him into her world without self-editing.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on Gwen after watching Across The Spiderverse two hours ago lmao.

[jenniferdiazisatransgirl]

So far I have only seen anti-trans blog write about this and I feel the need to raise it myself.

The UK at present is going down a very dark road and is copying the United States in its anti-trans rhetoric. So far in the UK, what has happened has mostly been rhetoric. But it has been quite merciless from both the UK Government itself and our media, to the point a recent YouGov poll showed overall public opinion surrounding trans people and our rights is now shifting in a negative direction.

This year the UK Government blockaded the Scottish Government passing its Gender Recognition Reform Bill into law, which would have made self-ID legal in Scotland. The UK Government used Section 35 of the Scotland Act to do this. The first time in UK history since the act was implemented into law. This blockaded the progression of trans rights in Scotland.

This Summer, the Department For Education plans to implement guidance for schools regarding trans pupils. Not much is known about the guidance, but what is known is it will likely require teachers to out trans kids to their parents. This being done under the guise of safeguarding, despite the safeguarding risks this would present.

It also places teachers in a no win situation. As the Government has said, if a teacher highlights a safeguarding risk they wouldn’t have to out the student. The teacher’s motivations could be brought into question if they highlight a safeguarding risk though. I’m almost certain as a trans woman who is a teacher, my motivations would be brought into question if I highlighted a safeguarding risk.

Likewise though, if a teacher fails to identify a safeguarding risk and that child ends up being harmed after being outed, who is gonna be blamed? We know the Government will shrug of the blame and it will be on the teacher.

That’s not even touching upon other horrific stuff that is likely going to appear in the guidance. And as someone who works in teaching, if this guidance is introduced I will be forced out of my job. I did not become a teacher to put students at risk of harm.

Meanwhile the UK Government, under the advice of our equalities watchdog, the Equality and Human Rights Commission is considering changing the definition of “sex” within the Equality Act of 2010 to be biological sex. This would be an outright ban on trans people using single-sex services that align with their gender identity. Right now, there is the right to exclude trans people but it has to be on a case by case basis and it has to be “proportional” with the objective being to meet a “legitimate aim.”

There was a debate in UK Parliament on Monday which despite calling for a “civil” debate, pretty much was a bunch of politicians painting trans people as predators. Additionally, when one MP was talking about one of her trans constituents who wanted to kill their self due to this rhetoric, 3 MPs actually rolled their fucking eyes.

Honestly, I’ve posted a link to the debate below as I do think knowledge is power. We do need to know the shit we are fighting against. But I will pre-warn you it is a pretty horrific read.

The debate is largely fear mongering about trans people and painting us as threats. All under the guise of protecting women and children. And their defence is, that this has nothing to do with trans rights. As trans people are protected under “gender reassignment” which they aren’t changing.

They claim the Gender Recognition Act of 2004 was only meant to change our sex for pensions and marriage and nothing else. In everything as, we apparently should be excluded and forced to use the facilities of our birth sex because we are a potential threat.

Oh and the real joyous part, much like the US we are largely a 2 party system. The Conservative Party and The Labour Party. Conservatives are right wing and in power, Labour are left wing and the opposition. Both parties are in full support of doing all of the above. That’s not to say individual politicians in either party haven’t spoken out against this.

So it seems when they finally do decide to legislate away trans rights. We are fair game and there will be no real resistance within government.

Rule fucking Britannia I guess! And yes that was sarcasm.

I used to be proud of this country. I used to feel safe here. And look, I appreciate the UK had its problems. A lot of countries do. But generally when it came to equality and shit, the UK seemed to always at least be heading in the right direction. Sometimes it was slow but there was never a very consistent effort to ever take away the rights of a group. This used to be on the very fringes of politics, not in the mainstream. Now it is in both our media and our politics. It is been driven by high profile voices such as JK Rowling. Rowling who said if our rights were ever at risk of being taken away she’d march with us. Yet she was the one pushing the petition to have sex redefined in the Equality Act, so it seems clear she lied. But just to avoid a libel suit from Rowling, I suppose she is going to claim this has nothing to do with trans people’s rights as they aren’t altering the definition of “gender reassignment”.

And the worst part of all this, if the UK Government pushes ahead with all this shit. I don’t have the money to leave, which will get worse when I don’t even have a job thanks to all this shit.

What’s worse is so few people in the UK seem to know this is actually happening? When I tell them about it, they think I am exaggerating. There was a person on Quora today, proudly bragging how in the UK we take a common sense approach to trans people and all these anti-trans debates happening in the US don’t take place in the UK. They were literally unaware and I had to point out to them, “I hate to break it to you, but they were literally debating the blanket exclusion of trans people on Monday here.”

Like cisgender people can easily avoid this shit, so a lot don’t see it. I’m posting this here right now, but honestly who is gonna see it. It is gonna be people who are trans or already allies of trans people. Most people though, cos it doesn’t concern them they remain oblivious to what is going on.

But anywhere, here it is is.

[itzablackcat]

Why Can't CisHets Call Out Indoctrination Without Scapegoating LGBTQ+ People? (long explanation, open to suggestions and feedback) *might delete*

I've seen these people try to call out grooming and indoctrination in the lgbtq+ community, and most of the time the basic idea is that teens/kids are "confused," especially if they identify as *trans+. And that cishets are more "natural" than lgbtq+ people so kids shouldn't be "exposed" to anything other than cishet "lifestyles."

Obvs I take these matters seriously especially when it comes to children. I've seen evidence of some drag queens being too risqué in front of children. I don't like AJ & the Queen (more on this later). It's kind of a downplayed issue but can bigots really say it's a cultural problem?

WHO are they referring to exactly? Is there really an epidemic of drag queens teaching how to m@ stub@ te instead of reading books about having two moms etc?

From what I've seen it's not. Drag queens do not even seek access to young people the way teachers, pastors, etc. naturally have. I will always blame the real perpetrators.

First of all, parents knowingly take their kids to see drag queen who have very suspicious interactions. Online or elsewhere. Drag queens are typically adult performers after all so the parents are likely to be present.

You can't be a hypocrite. If you don't want anyone telling you how to raise your child then you have no right to tell someone how to raise theirs even if their parenting is questionable.

A lot of people experience childhood trauma, no doubt. But you can't KILL two birds with ONE stone. Being a pedophile and being LGBTQ+ does NOT go hand-in-hand. One is a very harmful choice and the other, may or may not be a choice depending on the person but it doesn't matter because lgbtq+ acceptance harms no one!

• "gr**ming" via beliefs and concepts

I don't think I have to explain the ways in which the cis patriarchy indoctrinates children to be more inclined towards it. So if they wanna talk about indoctrination let's talk about it!

Growing up and to this day being lgbtq+ was not beat into me the way cisgender roles have been! Many trans+ people can't go anywhere without being misgendered, and/or harassed. Many women are still worried about their safety or made uncomfortable by cat calls. Or they're just not uplifted the way men are.

If you don't fit into a pretty lil box you're not socially acceptable and you made it awkward for correcting their mistake. Or calling them out. So who is indoctrinating who?

• "gr**ming" via sexual education

I do not support sexual education for children until they are in their teens, beyond basic anatomy maybe and consent for hugs etc. But it's weird how conservatives don't like consent!

Anyways. The numbers show that more sexual education equates to less teen pregnancy. Of course it's always the person's choice to carry. Regardless, teens need to know how to protect themselves and their partner. They should never be told when or how to have sex (besides basic protection). Shaming someone into not having it is toxic and wrong.

If lgbtq+ characters shouldn't be allowed to kiss on TV then cishet couples shouldn't either.

• "gr**ming" via sexual expression

Some of the biggest music stars have been sexually explicit cishets. I don't think anyone can deny that music can really influence young people. I don't support or agree with the exploitation of women esp but it's funny how many cis men disregard the harms of ("free") p0rn when it hurts women the most. I really don't trust conservative men. They support p0rn, hide their sexuality for clout, take their sons to Hooters then they have the audacity to complain about lgbtq+ people on tv.

Cis male sexual expression has caused irreparable damage to society. But if someone like Janet Jackson has a nipple slip their career gets canceled? They get blacklisted???

• "grooming via gender expression

Some trans activists might not agree with me here but I don't support "gender-affirming medical care" for kids/teens. The push to legalize "gender-affirming medical care" for kids is more detrimental towards trans+ kids, especially.

Unfortunately many people perceive "medical care" for trans people as the most important "step" towards being your true self. A lot of trans+ people do. This leaves a lot of people left behind from the "transgender" community. Well that's fine, I can only speak for myself anyways.

I don't trust Big Pharma and you can manifest changes to your body without artificial hormones and weird surgeries but anyways lol

Cisgender people favor very strict body standards, so ofc the transgender community mirrors that! I can't say if it's not a "choice" to want "medical care" but it is a choice the way you view other people, and yourself in relation to. I'm convinced some people just want the "queer" look because apparently there's a way to LOOK "queer" now lol *eyeroll*

However I believe most trans+ teens that want "medical care" ARE trans+. But some don't have a desire for "medical care" when they're older. In which they might actually become "detransitioners," possibly in denial of being trans because they are not the most socially acceptable trans person. Trans+ people are still heavily discouraged from expressing who they are, the more socially divergent they are...

There is favoritism in the trans community for traditional trans men and women the most. The ones who say you can't be transgender if you don't have "gender dysphoria." The ones who say biology and features are either "m*le" or "f*m*le." The ones who can pass as cisgender.

Some people are not as appealing to cisgender people like Caitlyn Jenner, Blaire White, Buck Angel, etc. Their narrative might differ from the mainstream trans-gender narrative. Maybe they feel like they can't be who they are inside. Maybe they felt like they can only be "acceptable" transgender or strictly cisgender.

When I see a detransitioner, I see a person who's very suppressed and their only cover is to not be "rebellious" at all. So I wish the trans community had more compassion for them because I'm certain the trans community did not help anyways! No offense but the community can be very toxic and invalidating. Sometimes it's easy to believe it's better to pretend you're something you're not than to "inconvenience" others but it's not.

Anyways I could have probably explained better but it is what it is. *Trans+ is used to describe trans people and others who might not identify as trans/cis.

[sarcasticnerdfan]

My Unpopular Harry Potter Opinions

I don’t like Draco/Harry

I don’t like Remus/Tonks

But I love Teddy and that whole part of Deathly Hallows where Harry yells at Remus to go back to his kid

Idk it’s confusing

I don’t really like Hagrid

Scorpius/Rose is terrible (this one’s not that unpopular I don’t think)

I don’t like Ron/Hermione because they argued over everything in the books and annoyed each other a lot

I don’t like that everyone just married their high school sweethearts

I don’t like Dobby and was almost kind of happy when he died

I know I’m a terrible person

Dumbledore was a horrible person

I’m more okay with the “Severus” part of “Albus Severus” because everyone was always going to remember Dumbledore, and I think Harry only used Severus so that Snape’s contribution would be recognized

And if Snape lived Harry would not have named his child after Snape

Avada Kedavra is dumb and boring

I think Ron should have died instead of Fred

I will forever be upset that Harry didn’t tell Voldemort that Regulus Black betrayed him

Harry should have been the DADA teacher after being an Auror for just a few years to round up the remaining Death Eaters

I really want a story or something when Harry and co’s kids get told about the war in detail, whether in be from their parents or in a school history lesson

I don’t think Neville/Luna should have been a thing. They’re great friends but Luna is too free-spirited to ever be the kind of wife I imagine Neville wanting.

Why did everyone get married and have kids? There are plenty of people in the real world who don’t want that and it would have been cool for someone besides Charlie Weasley to represent that.

Percy is not a bad person!!!

Sirius Black was totally and completely suave, dapper, smooth, gentlemanly, etc. but also respected everyone (girls, trans, lgbt+, etc) and their boundaries and always made sure people were comfortable. (again, not sure how unpopular this is, but I haven’t seen much on it so...)

The Golden Trio should have remained 100% platonic

Oliver Wood is really freaking fantastic

McGonagall was basically everyone’s mother

James Potter was a selfless amazing man

this is becoming more like just my opinions oh well

Scorpius/Albus is perfect

Harry Potter would have been a great dad

I don’t like the fanfics/headcanons that portray everyone as gay (or in a gay relationship or trans) because that’s not how real life works but it doesn’t really bother me as much as a lot of other things.

Seamus/Dean is great

I would rather have Fred die than Remus Lupin

I’M SORRY OKAY

Draco and Astoria are so cute together and they’re great parents and probably both total dorks and I love it

Sirius/Remus definitely happened and is great

I used to basically idolize Hermione but now I find her annoying and overly-emotional

The movies messed up Ron and Hermione 

Fred and George are geniuses

If Fred had to die I wish he died for someone. You know, like shielding Percy from an explosion but dying in the process. Something like that would have been perfect and shown the depth that a lot of people don’t think about

Everyone should definitely read the books because they’re so much better

Oliver/Percy is great

I pity Draco Malfoy

Somewhere deep inside, Bellatrix cared for her disowned family. She didn’t try to kill Sirius, she tried to stupefy him. It didn’t seem to effect her much after the fact, but it still makes me wonder because she’s normally so ruthless. She didn’t even hurt him.

Lupin is so extra and fabulous and I love him

After the war, the trio definitely worked hard to make life better for werewolves

Madam Pomfrey is a bamf

I hate it when people blame the Horcrux for Ron leaving in Deathly Hallows. Because Hermione and Harry could control themselves, and Harry was a literal Horcrux himself, so putting the locket on was like double and he was still relatively fine (aside from being grumpy)

I really want to know how menstruation works at Hogwarts

McGonagall never let people see her cry so she shut herself off after the Battle of Hogwarts. 

Maybe when McGonagall is crying alone in her office one day recently after the battle, Harry comes in and they talk about a lot because she was always basically his mother and she loves her students as if they were her children

Harry is a sweetheart but also so fucking sassy and I love it more than anything

The books are so funny tho

It sort of seems like Harry/Ginny make better friends, but idk I could go either way they’re not horrible

Slytherin isn’t that bad

Harry & co. definitely had PTSD and lots of trauma and I want to know more about their processes and dealing with it

Sirius/Remus is the best damn power couple ever

Draco deserved a redemption arc

There should’ve been more focus on other houses besides Gryffindor

Half-Blood Prince is one of the best in the beginning and end, but the middle is boring and unnecessary

Ravenclaw is the best house

Prisoner of Azkaban is also one of the best (movie and book)

Deathly Hallows is the best book, but neither movie is that good

Harry is actually clever/smart/intelligent and people always say he’s not but he really is, especially in bad situations. 

Hermione may be smart, but in urgent situations, she’s too emotional and can’t think which isn’t good

Harry is great at quick-thinking and problem-solving

Hermione was a control-freak and also sort of abusive/manipulative

Voldemort’s ego made him not as scary

Fleur was a bamf

Molly Weasley is a questionable mother and close-minded

There are a lot of plotholes

Percy was so complex and didn’t deserve the hate

ALL CHARACTERS MAKE MISTAKES

The movies aren’t that bad, but people compare them too much to the books

The houses aren’t that great of an idea with the different traits, and the fanbase obsesses over the houses way too much

Lily/James is such a powerful and healthy relationship and I love it

I love the platonic affection shown without romantic intentions I might add to this

[beevean]

Do twitter and tumblr seem to forget that constantly belittling straight people and brushing them off with things like “uh oh the heteros are upsetero” or “I’m heterophobic cishets die” does nothing for them but push away potential allies or people who wish to become better allies?? There’s a huge difference between cis straight people and actual homophobes but I guess that would mean acknowledging that 90% of the worlds population aren’t “evil cishetties” and this is coming from a bi woman

Don’t tell me about it...

It’s childish and petty, plain and simple. When your peak sense of humor is “lol straighties” (or cissies, or whities, or what have you) you have to acknowledge your life is pretty boring :V

But that’s not the point. The point is that constantly bleating “i hate straight people/straight people are inherently homophobic/abusive/lol i’m so happy i’m gay and i don’t have to deal with straight nonsense” is damaging to all sorts of people:

to young straight cis people who frequently use the internet and get bombarded with the message that they should be ashamed of themselves for something they have no control over (and maybe try to force themselves to identify as LGBT+ to become part of the cool crowd) - there’s no such thing as “lol get off the internet” anymore, that’s how ignorant people dismiss cyberbullying and it won’t take long until this shit seriously affects real life

in particular, it mocks straight women for being attracted to men, allowing all sorts of misogyny if you put “straight” in front of “women”, and it mocks straight men for existing (not that everyone here remembers that straight men are human, but anyway)

to young gay people, lesbians in particular, who get bombarded with the message that there’s no such thing as an asshole/abusive gay person, because that won’t backfire!

in particular there is this tendency to say that the way lesbians are attracted to women is different from the way straight men are, because straight men treat women as sex objects while lesbians treat them as people. Which would be your standard misandry, if there wasn’t the implication that being sexually attracted to a person is bad, and it’s harmful, and lesbians are better because they’re purer and don’t think about sex when looking at a woman. Sure, go tell a young lesbian in the middle of puberty who is starting to struggle with her identity that being attracted to a woman’s boobs is an insult to said woman and it harms her. I’m sure her conservative ultra-religious old parents will agree with you.

to bi/pan people who feel rejected from both sides, who get called bihets if they get in a relationship with a person of the different sex, who get called straight-passing as an insult - and at worst, if they’re a woman abused by a man, get blamed for it because, well, what did you expect getting with a man? too bad for you for not picking a woman, idiot :V (as if women can’t be abusive of course, it’s amazing how all sorts of bigotries intertwine)

to straight trans people who get mindlessly lumped with cishets and called oppressors and all the bad names reserved for cishets, which sends the message “yeah you may be oppressed, but you’re not oppressed enough, you know? therefore yeah we don’t care as much about you”

to the entire LGBT+ community because in America young people are getting less tolerant of the community, and while I’m sure there are many factors leading to this worrying trend, the fact that the most vocal members constantly push allies away because “eww you’re a stupid cishet what could you possibly understand?” certainly doesn’t help. No, it’s not fair to become seriously homophobic because of a couple of asshole kids on Twitter, but you can’t really blame potential allies for going like “okay, screw you guys, if you think I’m inherently oppressive why should I put the effort to better myself? You’ll never be happy anyway”

Spouting anti-straight nonsense doesn’t help anyone. It certainly doesn’t help the gay people in the world actually being kicked out of their home, assaulted or killed. You’re just children who found a new playground and realized, hey, now it’s my turn to be a bully!

[alanzz]

Okay so, I've been seeing LOTS of posts talking about transphobia and for a while I was (still am) scared/anxious of not talking about it and maybe make people think that I do not give a damn about it. As a trans guy myself, I suffered (still fucking suffer) transphobia just for being myself. In my early childhood I already knew something different was happening to me. I always played house with my friends and always wanted to be the dad, not the mom. My mother has told me several times that she caught me peeing standing up ("like a boy" according to her). During school I suffered bullying, girls would back off from me, saying I looked like a boy and picked on me just because I liked to play soccer and with cars. Later, still on school it got more severe, people would call me names and degrading nicknames, saying I looked weird and calling me stuff. I still didn't know what was happening back then. I felt different, I knew something was up, just didn't know what. Later on high school, things got a little better (I thank the stars every day for my high school years). On my last year of high school I was able to convince my mom to let me get a haircut. Real short hair. That was the higher point, still. Some close friends of mine started using he/him pronouns with me and I still didn't know what was going on. Why did it feel so right and good. Then, after graduating I had few problems when I got a job. People would say he/him and quickly correct, I started feeling bad. Like, "man, if you say 'guy' at me I don't feel offended at all. You're correct actually" but still, I wasn't understanding. I only found out what was going through last year. YEARS of self doubt, years of confusion, years of bad experiences. I blame it on the low information that we have. (ngl that in my country it's a really delicate topic). I thank God every day for having great parents, they always been open regarding what me and my siblings do. I know there are people out there who are super bad treated by their own family and I feel so sorry and bad for them. But still, I'm glad they made through it. I know they may have mental issues and I can't even imagine how difficult that might be. I see how strong they are. But look- there are everyday struggles in a trans person's life. And it enrages me when a cis person comes and says "I know what you're going through. I feel you. I have a cousin who's bisexual-" man cut the bullshit. You have no idea what's like being made fun of just because you're being yourself. I appreciate your effort, but it doesn't help if you feel pity for me. Also, being bisexual/gay etc has NOTHING to do with being trans/nb. So try being in our shoes. Try thinking that even though your resume is impeccable, you can lose the job for someone else just because you are you. Also, being killed just because you are yourself. Brazil's the country that has the highest number of trans people's homicide. Can you freaking imagine? A trans woman was killed because she was WALKING on the street, during the DAY. A trans man was invited to father's day commercial and guess what? People freaked out. Because he's a father who's always taking care of his son and wife. Brazil's also the country with the highest number of children who don't have their father's name on their birth certificate. And they freak out about a father that is always present and taking care of his family, not about hundreds of men who don't give a shit about their kids. So be fucking nice to people. Stop making freaking jokes about transphobia. It's not cool. You're not cool. Just, be respectful. You don't know what's like. Just stop.

I apologize if I said something wrong, I said things based on MY personal experience. People are different. They all have different experiences and we should never compare them.

[oleanderblume]

Unrelated but OMYGOD. My clown series reached 1k reads on wattpad.

Which isn't super awesome because its only due to the sheer quantity of chapters I have but I need to rave and spoil it cause I'm super excited about what I'm planning and no one i care to tell gives a shit so I'm dumping it into the void that is tumblr.

So. Im writing a book series called Caring For Your Clown. Its about this trans kid named Oliver and he is sort of an asshole.

Well not sort of, he is an asshole. But a RELATABLE asshole.

The story sort of drops you in 6 months after the mysterious and tragic (and traumatic) death of his mother Marie, who was a scientist alongside her husband and Oliver's step father Jon at a lab that specializes in physics mainly.

They were working on a machine with an unstable particle that caused a..tear so to speak, in the fabric of dimensional space and she got torn into tiny little bits. :3

But apparently before this occurred, Marie was in contact with an alien race called clowns 🤡 (really they are interdimensional traveling amoebas that take the shape of humanoid clowns lol)

One of which pops up in Oliver's life completely unexpectedly for no foreseeable reason and her name is Dindet and she is absolutely precious.

Basically its a saga and each book ranges in about 30k to 50k words. The first book centers around Oliver learning about this weird alien houseguest and also the immediate fallout of the death of his mom because surprise surprise! His biological dad who is a terrible abusive fucktard rolls back into his life with the intent to take custody of Oliver and that is no good!

The entire arch Oliver's goes through is literally the title of the series. Basically learning to be caring and compassionate while ALSO dealing with grief and interdimensional shenanigans.

One of the things I found really fun (it was unintentionally done but now I like it so its intentional now.) Is that each book roughly represents the 5 stages of grief.

As the first one is anger. Oliver is mostly passed the fuck off that this dumb alien clown sauntered into his life and thought it would be neat to CARE about him like he was a PERSON with FEELINGS. Irrationally angry, because he blames her for the loss of his mom (i mean so does his dad who goes through the stages of grief slightly slower than Oliver does) and uses her as a personal emotional punching bag until he realizes that SHE got his bio dad to concede his appeal for custody via literally stalking him and making him so paranoid that he was deemed an unfit parent >:3

All the while too, as the main focus is on the two characters of Oliver and Dindet, there is a background plot leading up to the second, third, and fourth (possibly up to 6 books) of the clown authorities looking for Dindet. And also the checkovs gun that is his neighbor.

The second book is mostly erring in the bargaining side of the coin for Oliver while Jon goes through his stage of anger. Oliver learns more about Dindet but doesn't quite trust her as she is clearly hiding information and KNOWS his mom. But she won't talk. Meanwhile, his neighbor working on a completely different project gets his hands on some clown matter and goes apeshit with it to build his energy machine.

We also learned more about the type of person Dindet is, which is naive and caring but also incredibly self destructive and reckless. By far a major people pleaser with huge self love issues. While Oliver is more of a "i don't give a shit what you think" though its more a facade he puts on to protect himself from rejection :/ he is far more comfortable in his own skin but external factors can make him freak out a little and he is terrible at talking to people.

It culminates when the project Jon solicited Dindet's assistance in is wreck by her own hands and Oliver's growth completely backtracks to the point that he finally manages to get our clown to leave (only for her to be clownknapped by his whole ass fucking neighbor to be used as the conduit to his energy machine)

And yeh, Ols almost immediately regrets his actions (though at first its more denial that she actually left) especially when he catches his neighbor using her as fuel for his machine to the point that all her fucking matter is completely burned away via electrical current! >:3

THEN Oliver gets to the depression arch >:3 (i haven't written this part yet so its up in the air atm)

Basically, with his mom dead and now the only person who could reasonably be considered his friend ALSO Basically dead, Ols falls into this really bad streak of just walking backward in his grief. Anger, denial, bargaining, the whole shebang. But THIS time the lab and the government AND the secret clown police are all in cahoots to cover up what happened at the lab and to do that they need to get rid of Ols and his dad to allow their plot to work. (Will be revealed later)

So throughout the first two books I've been alluding to the leader of the clowns via Dindet's ostensible paranoia and their name is Smile. They have underlings though and one is named Poppy. So the clowns get into the lab and convince Jon to send his son to a treatment facility for therapy under the thin veil that it will protect them from the repercussions of the machine. Oliver is not to upset about this though because he has been to therapy before from his past with his bio dad.

Except obviously the clowns don't want to actually help anyone. Their goal is to wear my boy down until he ready to die because- did I mention this was middle grade??

Anyways. This particular book I want to develop my potential romance between Douglass (Oliver's kid neighbor) and Ols and also deconstruct Oliver's personality via flashbacks that parallel the events in the story so we understand why he reacts the way he does to things and also i think it would be neat that the clowns technically succeed in their plan to draw out Dindet the wanted criminal by using the person she cares most about against her. By making him want to die!!

Then! For the next book, I'm planning on having more clown infiltration, more bonding between my children and romance between my boys because oooohhh boy am I gonna have fun tearing everyone apart when the real fucking deal Smile shows up and fucks shit up. Smile is my main villian and a veru fun and manipulative one at that. She uses Oliver to get to Dindet and eventually catches the both of them, revealing clowns to the entire world right before snatching them back to the home base the Cornucopia.

This is where we learn all the information we have been wanting and building up to about Dindet >:3

She is a criminal because she has Essentially tied a doomed universe to the Cornucopia in a never ending time loop because she is so heckin big that every time that universe is torn apart, she jumps back in time and DIES in order to recreate it. (She's the big bang yo)

That isn't the only reason though. Oliver comes to learn that his mom was FRIENDS with Smile. And Smile was the one who tore her apart in the machine scattering her subconscious in the literally timeless Cornucopia (time doesn't exist there so aging, death, anything like that is completely halted) and MARIE who has been half alive and omnipotent this whole fucking time has been trapped in the Cornucopia unable to see her family or child but fully able to see a know the infinitesimal inevitability of the destruction of his universe. So what does she do? She PULLS DINDET PUT OF THE ABYSS AND TELLS HER TO GO BE FRIENDS WITH HER KID TO KEEP THE TIME LOOP GOING.

And this has happened before. Like this book series is literally ONE (1) version of events that have been stacking up on top of eachother for millenia. The reason Dindet shows up in the first place is because she can partially see these past loops and the remnants of her love for Oliver keeps her coming back YO.

But while all this lovely information is being shared, Dindet is in clown jail and Oliver is treated as a pet to Smile. He tries to stage a break out and fails and what does Smile do? She turns him into a got damn monkey!

And uses him as literal fucking bait to a starving Dindet in order to justify her sentence (which is obviously death)

It almost works too, if it weren't for the fact that these two kids are BEST FRIENDS NOW and would legit die AND kill for eachother, Dindet pushes Oliver out of the Cornucopia (he is still a monkey boy btw) into his universe which inadvertently scatters him.

(A human person can enter the Cornucopia but if they leave, their molecular structure will destabilize in a slow and painful way until they literally are nothing left so that sucks)

This is where I want the next book to start tbh. Now back at home without his friend, as. A. Monkey. Oliver find that his entire home town is under lock down and strict control by the clowns who have now infiltrated the government and are putting plans forth to rebuild the SAME MACHINE his dad and Dindet built to bring about the destruction of the universe. (They want to do this because if they prevent Dindet from jumping back in time, they can end the time loop and get on with their lives)

So ols has to essemble a rag tag crew of Douglass and some other classmates and figure out that all the goop floating around belongs to Dindet (bruh. She is the size of the universe like. There is a lot of her to go around) and they can technically use it as gateways into other dimensions to gather an arsenal of GIANT BABY ANIMALS AND SQUIRREL BIRD CATS AND DRAWN TO LIFE ANYTHINGS so they can try to 1. Bring back our clown gal who is the key to fixing this and 2. Take on the now heavily fortified lab in order to get Olivers and Douglass's dads back.

All the while my boy is slowly dying >:3

Eventually, Oliver finds a way to get Dindet back but its at a cost :/ he tricks Smile into turning our clown organic to prevent her from being able to control any of her matter whatsoever and the cost of it is that Smile is VERY bad at making humans, so she basically traps Dindet in a catatonic meat sack that doesn't have half the organs it needs to function properly :/

To make her not be organic anymore they gotta uh..kill the tumor that is an organic half body (which yes, does have nerve endings) which eventually allows Dindet to be 100% clown again.

They break into the lab, but its basically too late. Reality is fractured and the multiverse is imploding in on itself and in the midst of all of this, Ols and Dindet are careening through the vacuum of an entirely empty space, dying of starvation and scattering and the only option left is to jump back in time to start the loop over again.

It is heartfelt and it is good and pure and the last moments they share together perfectly bring this loop together because in the VERY FIRST BOOK Oliver asks why Dindet came and she says "you asked me to."

And their last moments together he asks her to come back for him. Like I CANNOT yall!!

But that isn't the end. Yet.

The real end is after they die and the universe begins and a single hand pushes through the stars and pulls out a little orange bean. And it's Marie, pulling Dindet put of the Abyss this universe that is so intrinsically tied to the Cornucopia that it literally creates all the fucking clowns.

Its not supposed to be destroyed. And the reason eveeything falls into place so perfectly and things always go the same way is because ita already been seen and already been narrated. By Marie.

The WHOLE ASS SERIES IS IN THIRD PERSON OMNISCIENT BUT ITS ACTUALLY NOT. Its first person. Narrated by Marie.

Dindet knows Marie because she pulled her out of the Cornucopia. Clowns exist because Dindet was told by Oliver that she was and looked like a clown. The entire ass UNIVERSE exists because Oliver and Dindet are the fucking building blocks of life.

All of Olivers character actions and growth and eventual love (platonic) for Dindet shape their futures and all of it started because a mom was so concerned and guilty about leaving her kid in such a time of need that she would rather start the world over than see him suffer.

So..themes.

Throughout the series there are heavy HEAVY parallels between Dindet and Marie (partly because Dindet is a parrot and almost all her actions and reactions mimmick things that she has seen and the first person she met who wasn't out to kill her was Marie) but also because Dindet is the conduit through which Marie vicariously lives out the rest of Oliver's fleeting life with him.

There is even a point where Oliver genuinely questions whether or not Dindet actually IS his mom (she isn't obviously)

One of the themes I really love about this series is that compassion, unconditional love and care is deserving to even the most obstinant. Oliver isn't easy to love. He actively makes it very hard for anyone who could be a peer (even his own dad sometimes) to care about him. He constantly pushes people away to safeguard himself from potential harm and it takes three fucking books ROUGHLY 200,000 words to get this boy to understand what unconditional love can do.

How it can help with the grieving process, and help you become a more compassionate person toward others.

And also how your actions affect others!!

Like i said, Dindet is a parrot, she can read your mind (if she wanted to) but what she sees she incorporates into her own thoughts and as a reflection, Olivers harsh words and actions, even the most simple kind are recorded and even amplified. He is MEAN to Dindet. He makes fun of her often and gets angry with her and calls her stupid and she internalizes that immediately and it has an immediate affect on how she views herself. Oliver doesn't even think of this as something that happens until much later in the story! And gradually he grows past it and becomes more considerate and affirming toward Dindet and Douglass as a result.

And the way things matter. Oh. Every little detail matters in this story up to seemingly inconsequential continuity errors! Foreshadowing is everywhere from the first fucking sentence to the last because the things the characters do and say to eachother are simultaneously current and in the past all at once and no one knows which is which.

Someone got hurt? There are consequences, even unforseen ones. Dindet loses her hat. It is the most precious thing she owns and is a huge comfort item for her. Oliver asked where she got it? A friend gave it to her.

OLIVER MAKES HER A NEW HAT AFTER SHE LOSES IT. He is the FRIEND that gave it to her.

Almost everything in this story has parallels and consequences and twists and turns and outcomes that are wildly unpredictable (up until now because I've just spoiled the entire fucking plot but who cares!!)

Like...this is my baby. I care SO MUCH about this story and the characters in it that when I think about certain scenes I legitimately start crying.

I can't wait to publish the first book yall. I'm planning on publishing it either through a publisher or self publish, and maybe make a comic even? Idk. I just i really think people would like my dumb absurd story about clowns and I wish i could just spout about it 24/7...it breaks my heart that no one will listen.

[bluephoenixdruidicprincess]

A lot of people think Dean could be a great father. After all the seasons I saw, I'm not agree. I think dean is a terrible father. I didn't find him good with Claire or Jake. Even in season 5, he wasn't so great with Jesse (the antichrist in season 5). I didn't find Dean so good with Ben, even if he was right about the gun stuff, he didn't have to yell on ben this way. Most of this relationship feel like funny uncle/nephew. I just don't understand why people think Dean likes kids.

People (particularly Dean stans) feel like Dean would make a good father or is good with kids due to his raising of Sam as the baseline for it and I wholeheartedly disagree on that consensus. Even though it is true that Dean essentially raised Sam, he was not a good parental figure for Sam. Sam dealt a lot with low self-esteem and loneliness as a direct result of the manner in which he was raised. He felt isolated and there’s a reason why when we got a glimpse of his own personal heaven in Season 5, that Sam’s happiest memories were of him spending time with a family that wasn’t his. This was a direct result of the isolation he felt while growing up. He didn’t feel like he was a member of his own family and craved a sense of belonging that he never got with Dean or his father. Those feelings were a direct result of the manner in which he was raised. I also feel like Dean had very little patience when it came to raising Sam which is understandable as Dean was also a child himself so I certainly don’t fault Dean on the raising of Sam. However, this whole idea that Dean is good with kids and is a good father figure as an adult, I just don’t see it. As an adult, he is not a good father figure. He lacks patience, he lacks empathy towards these children, he’s too driven by his own emotions and they constantly get in the way of every single one of his relationships on the show. And a person who is constantly dictated by their own emotions and lets their emotions control them and allow those emotions to lash out at others around them, in my book, do not make good parents. And we’ve seen this multiple times with Dean. He lashes out at anyone and everyone and Dean stans will defend him each time and blame it on his trauma and “how he just feels so much and he should be allowed to feel things” but I can no longer accept that. While it is true that Dean has undergone a significant amount of trauma and trauma will stick with you for the rest of your life, it is NOT an excuse to be a shitty person, and it’s certainly not okay for a grown man in his 40s to behave this way. And you know, Sam and Cas have also gone through a great deal of trauma and when was the last time they lashed out at people they loved? Few and far between probably because Dean makes them feel like crap and that they’re not good enough when they don’t live up these impossibly high standards he sets up for them despite he himself not even adhering to those standards.

As you said, Dean is fine as like the “fun uncle” or something like that but is he someone that should be responsible for the raising of a child? Definitely not. He lacks the patience, understanding, and empathy necessary. I know I know, certain factions of the fandom are all about, “ Sam sympathizes but Dean empathizes” and I completely disagree with that. Dean’s only good with children when, like I stated earlier, they’re adhering to his impossibly high standards of being a good person. Let’s not forget that when Jack was first introduced, Dean was all for killing him. And he only warmed up to Jack when he realized Jack wanted to adhere to those standards. Whereas Sam and Cas believed in him from the start. They both genuinely wanted to help him even when he had essentially crossed the point of no return. I mean Jack straight up told Cas that he doesn’t know if he has the ability to love Cas and Cas told him that didn’t matter, that it didn’t change the fact that Cas still loved him and would continue to be there for him. 

And Dean doesn’t even really have that great of a track record when it comes to children and young adults, really. When Claire was first brought back into the story, Dean told Cas that he should abandon Claire. When Kevin Tran came into the story and was going through a full-blown panic attack, he told Kevin to basically suck it up and deal with the cards that were dealt. Oh and let’s not forget the straight up kidnapping at gunpoint of Kaia in order to use her abilities for his own purposes which ultimately lead to Kaia’s death. And of course killing a boy’s mother in front of the boy. If there’s any justice in the world, season 15 will start off with Sam and Cas holding Dean accountable for his actions in season 14...but I doubt it will happen.

I truly can’t understand why the show puts Dean with children so much, he’s absolutely terrible with them and even worse, they keep on trying to frame it like he’s a good parental figure when he’s really not. He’s only about what these children and young adults can do for him and not what he can do for them. Well, really, I can’t understand why the writers make Dean the focal point of 95% of the relationships on this show. They just have a real stan-itis infection with Dean. I guarantee that in Chuck’s book series about supernatural, this story is being told in 3rd-person-limited in Dean’s point of view. Because nearly all of the stories told in this show are framed in a way that directly link everything to Dean. And very little with anyone else. Sure, characters like Sam and Cas have active roles they play at times but it all leads into how it affects Dean’s life.

[touchmycoat]

book reflections: Confessions by Minato Kanae

Confessions

The heart of this book deals with revenge. It's a familiar theme: when a heinous crime has been committed, are criminal justice procedures ever enough? To what degree is revenge, personally exacted, justified?

Confessions complicates this question by throwing the spikes of tension between children and adults.

Children are such a fascinating subject of study—not to go too far into it, but “childhood” is very much a socially constructed phenomenon (my formative understanding of this is Kathryn Bond Stockton's The Queer Child, which narrates a history of adults-depicting-children, and the values and anxieties that reveals). Confessions asks the question, “what happens when children commit heinous crimes?”

The book begins with a monologue by middle school teacher Moriguchi on the last day of the semester. What first seems like philosophical rambling lays out a multi-layered social phenomenon.

Layer one: social inclination to believe that children are always the victim, never the perpetrator. This is outlined in the story about the teacher who was called out by a female middle school student seemingly in need of help one night, then accused of sexual assault. The student later confessed it was because she wanted revenge—the teacher had scolded her for chatting during class. The teacher was forced to reveal, under these circumstances, that she's trans, and that she had no designs on the student in question (which is certainly a narrative choice to think further about—the quickness of the anecdote and the inherent logic it's meant to convey, that simply by proving herself a woman, the teacher convinced her coworkers that she's exonerated of all suspicion. At least trans identity isn't being inherently linked with deviance?). The teacher was still fired, and the school instituted a new policy that should students ever call teachers for help after school, only male teachers can go to male students, female teachers to female students, etc.

(The narrative, in its determination to gesture to the incapability of institutions to fulfill human needs, uses this as the ignition point for Naoki's unhappiness with Moriguchi.)

Layer two: children receive public anonymity in the court of law, meaning punishment is dealt in secret, and presumably, they can return to society afterwards carrying none of their criminal history. This is outlined in the “Lunacy” case, where a young girl kills her own family with cyanide, after conducting a series of experiments on what poison was most effective. The case got plenty of sensationalist press coverage, but where is the girl now, Moriguchi asks. Has she gotten her punishment? Was justice ever exacted?

Layer three: sensationalist press coverages without embedded moral value only teach children the outliers. At worst, it teaches children that this is the way to get attention (which is precisely what Shuya and Mizuki took from the Lunacy case). Moral outrage loses ground to morbid fascination, becoming worse than an empty gesture; like the teacher who replaces Moriguchi, posturing as some beacon of moral justice is merely for self-satisfaction.

Maybe, more accurately, the book wants to know, “how do you punish a child?” Some, like Moriguchi's not-husband, like Moriguchi insinuates the juvenile criminal justice system to be, answer, “you don't.” Children are products of their environment, so the ones who should be punished are the teachers (as posited by the “Lunacy” case and the chemistry teacher who got all the public blame for giving the child access to cyanide). Alternatively, children are still learning and growing. Moriguchi's not-husband was quite the problem child himself, but he turned things around and became the most truly moral figure of this entire book. He believes in the capacity for change in children.

But Moriguchi doesn't care much about that. Shuya and Naoki plotted to and killed her four-year-old daughter. She wants revenge.

What makes her fascinating as the central figure of this book is her clarity of mind. She isn't someone who's lost herself to vengeance; she systematically identifies the flaws (or what she thinks of as flaws) in the juvenile criminal justice system and then chooses her own revenge. On one hand we have the empathetic response to a mother losing her child, and the willingness to let a fictional character play out, for emotional catharsis, something we might not necessarily endorse in real life. On the other hand we have the unease of her turning this calculatedness toward children: Boy A and Boy B, middle school students.

(Cue comparative cinema studies of the 2010 Confessions film and 2007's Boy A. Oh, apparently Boy A is based off of a novel as well?)

Oh, and then she does take her revenge. She says she's laced Boy A and Boy B's milk cartons with HIV-infected blood.

And now, in what is the true brilliance of the book, Confessions starts to give us other perspectives. We get Mizuki the perfect student, who is first victimized by the hoard of angry classmates (and it's such a consistent literary and real life theme I guess, the cruelty of a mass of children). We get a peak into her questionability in a somewhat tender moment though: why does she just have a poison-testing kit lying around? In this section, we also get a protagonistic portrayal of Shuya; it's not that we doubt Moriguchi's version of the psychopathic-child-inventor Shuya, but now he's the martyr (as per the title of the section). He quietly suffers the bullying of the class, tells Mizuki his negative blood test, and becomes “genuinely” happy at Mizuki's compliments, saying all he's ever wanted was that acknowledgement.

Mizuki also bares her teeth against the new teacher, accusing him of being the cause of Naoki's mother's murder. At this point, it was almost narratively heroic, after we've suffered the annoyance (through her perspective) of the self-important teacher. But afterwards, in Shuya's section, we hear her confess to wanting to poison that teacher for “ruining Naoki's life.” She's killed by Shuya before we hear more, but might that have played out? How much do we fear the mental criminality of children?

We also get Naoki's sister and mother's perspective. We get a doting mother insistent on the innocence of her child, making excuse after excuse for Naoki, even when Naoki's fully confessed to throwing Moriguchi's daughter into the pool. How much responsibility does a parent have toward her child? Does she hold ultimate faith in him, stand staunchly at his side in support of him? Does she do right by the society (and in theory by her kid) by turning in her own child? We were meant to be annoyed by her cruel insistence to blame everyone but her son, but we see in Naoki's section right after that his sanity relied so much on this idea that his mother unconditionally loves him. He believes that, once he's gone to jail for his crimes, he can do his time, reform and return to society as long as his mother is there to love and support him.

Of course, that's when his mother decides to kill both him and herself—a murder-suicide for her failure as a mother.

(It really does haunt me, thinking about Naoki and his stymied possibilities. He killed Moriguchi's daughter in a moment of callous spite, motivated by a desire for revenge against Shuya's dismissal of his overtures of friendship. He lived in such a tortured state for a long time, a child grappling with the terror of impending death by himself, terrified of infecting those who love him. His instincts, when he emerged into the real world again, was to weaponize his “infected” blood. Yet he ended up on such a hopeful incline—mother's love with save me. All this happens as his mother spirals downwards, coming to terms with her own child's monstrosity. The book seeds Naoki's redemption, but takes the sprout away before we can see whether or not it carries infection.)

Finally, we get Shuya's story. I fully bought into it, as I was expected to. The book gestures multiple times at his ability to pen a convincing narrative of innocence. Or at least, a narrative of the anti-hero. He walks us through his absolute love for his mother, the engineering genius. She gave up her career for him, but then turned that dissatisfaction into abuse. Abuse turned back to gestures of love when she was found out, divorced, and forced to move away, and Shuya held deeply on to his faith that he will be reunited with her again. The desire of a child for his mother's love motivated the murder of Moriguchi's daughter, the planting of a bomb at the school festival. It ended up killing Mizuki as well.

Moriguchi bookends this tale, tying up loose threads. Yes she absolutely put the blood in their milk, but it was her not-husband that swapped out the infected cartons. Yes, she wanted to destroy Shuya and Naoki's lives; it won't bring her joy and it won't bring her daughter back, but nonetheless she wants her vengeance on the two boys. The possibility that she was only scaring Naoki and Shuya, that she threatened to but never did anything actually immoral, is completely swept away. She tells Shuya she visited his mother and told her all of his crimes. Baiting Shuya with what his mother said, she instead tells him that the bomb he planted had been deconstructed at the school and reconstructed in his mother's lab instead. Making the bomb and detonating it had both been Shuya's choice.

Shuya had killed her daughter. Now she's killed his mother.

(But did she? I have no doubt she did, but this book doesn't deal in absolutes.)

So—what are we left with? A psychopathic child inventor-slash-murderer motivated by a desire for maternal love? A girl who admired another murderous young murderess and wanted a turn of her own with poisons, murdered before she could prove herself either way? A cruel and reactionary accomplice who came to the conclusion that he had done something wrong but that he could repent? A mother who refused her son's criminality until the very last moment, and believed they were both beyond salvation?   Another mother who took justice into her own hands by ruining the lives of two young boys who killed her daughter in cold blood?

...Is there such a thing as cold blood in this novel? Every “cold” act was done with passionate motive: Shuya wanted to prove himself to his mother, Naoki wanted to prove himself better than Shuya, Moriguchi wanted to give her daughter proper vengeance. HIV is the symbol here of criminality, first given, then saved from, then weaponized by both boys. There's so much, with the blood! Naoki coming to terms with the infection he didn't have made it possible for him to confess the truth, to start himself on the path toward salvation (even if it only lasted a few pages). Shuya embracing the infection right away because if he were dying his mother would surely come back; losing that possibility of death led to him befriending, then of course in the end murdering Mizuki.

Shuya plotted the murder of Moriguchi's daughter, but wasn't actually responsible for the cause of death. Naoki was the accomplice, but at the last moment, made the choice to actually extinguish her daughter's life. This murky twist of motion and motive (Kathryn Bond Stockton!) would prevent them from getting the full punishment of homicide in a juvenile criminal justice court, as Moriguchi explained. Now, because of the blood, they've both committed an inarguable murder with their own hands. Naoki loses his mother and his entire world order that revolved around her unconditional love for him. Shuya's murderous inventions are never allowed to succeed, and he never gets to “prove” his genius, until it was used to kill his own mother, the one person he wanted acknowledge from and to live with. The punishments are incredibly cruel—but are they justified?

[radioh]

keeping track of my hp aus:

- harry moves weight and is kind of mean au, his friends back home r like his family and he feels disjointed suddenly Having Things Easily

- the dursleys give harry away; he’s fostered & eventually adopted by a big nigerian family who may or may not have magic of their own & he is constantly sucking his teeth and saying he’s going to call his mom up to the school. he ends up going to school much later on because he is basically lost in the system

- draco and a few other slytherins goes missing after 5th year, 10 yrs later ron goes to ny and brings harry back a painting where the person depicted looks just like him, they later realize it is Literally Him and draco had his memory wiped and lives in america an artist now (draco is from texas & went to scad for college in this au and YES he has a southern accent). harry goes to investigate and ends up falling in love with draco, who has no magical signature and perhaps no magic at all anymore, and after convincing himself that this draco (who goes by a completely diff name) is not the same person, they sleep together. in the middle of the night, draco wakes up with a haunted look in his eyes and his british accent and says, “you need to hurry. i’ll be all gone soon.” and when harry tries to ask him what he means he passes out and wakes up without any memory of what had happened. anytime harry tries to talk abt magic w/ him he gets a splitting headache and ends up not remembering it .... Anyway harry to solve The Mystery before real draco is gone forever & deal with the fact that this other draco may not love him

- james and lily wake up when harry is 11, ms zabini is a lawyer and helps them get sirius out of jail and when they’re in her office harry meets blaise and draco, as a family they are disjointed because lily and james missed 11 years of their child’s life: they don’t know if they want more children or not, they’re going crazy sitting in the house but they don’t their pictures in the prophet, their friends are dead, snape is making harry’s life hell at school and they keep having to go up there, sirius spent over a decade in azkaban & there is obvious tension btwn him and remus bc remus didn’t believe he was innocent. peter is on the loose (briefly). harry is easily overwhelmed living in a house with so many people and suddenly not being abused anymore. lily & james are constantly having domestics bc james kind of blames lily for her sister being so terrible which makes no sense and they both know that but there’s no one to blame and it’s all so terrible. still, they love each other and they love their son and maybe they make him an older brother. harry certainly is always asking to be an older brother. also harry is like vaguely super traumatized even outside of voldemort stuff currently happening because he somehow vivdly remembers the night that his parents “died” and he almost did.

- keeping up w the blacks au. there is no reality tv show but their family antics r always front page. when they come together for the first time in like 10 yrs it is a comedy of errors: everyone hates andromeda’s husband for different reasons (narcissa feels abandoned, bella is a racist, sirius jus thinks he’s boring), nymphadora is in love with sirius’s long time “roommate” remus, draco is simultaneously cyberbullying and catfishing harry, regulus kind of hates sirius for abandoning him, sirius has been cut off from the family money and is very highkey only there for the free vacation. there are several arguments. everyone is always storming out. (alt. more dramatic version: after bellatrix dies, they’re all forced to come together to bury her and fufill her last wishes. everything is the same but its a drama of errors instead of a comedy. bella leaves sirius her daughter w/ that weirdo she was obsessed w tom) (magic version of this is there is a way for members of the house of black to take someone’s magic, but all the other living members have to agree to it. thus: a family reunion as they try to stop bella from killing all their kids)

- wolfstar au where sirius is basically billie eilish (in terms of music type, not age) and flies remus and his friends (incl. lily) out for a tropical vacation. they’re just being dumb kids on an island for 2 wks, it ends poorly, sirius drops a diss track that is barely a diss and they all end up making up. its cute and fun and peter isnt there cause i hate him

- tangled au where draco is hidden in grimmauld his entire life and the world thinks he’s dead and when harry comes there with sirius they realize he is very much alive and cissy faked his death. draco hits harry with a frying pan

- everyone lives au where they’re all happy and draco has a big fat crush on harry. his aunts and uncles all keep giving him terrible advice because they are simply not well adjusted. he is very pretty despite this and harry falls in love w him anyway

- after the war draco, the youngest black with half blood or more (teddy is like 1/4 i think), sees the ghosts of his dead relatives and it’s slowly driving him crazy. he starts staying at grimmauld because that’s the only place they’ll rest. him and harry (and hermione) get to work fufilling the ghost’s last wishes and undoing generational curses so draco won’t die

- draco is a trans woman au. no other context she looks like hunter schafer and i love her.

- at the beginning of winter hols during eighth yr, the children of hogwarts realize their parents have disappeared. so has everyone else over the age of 19. it’s not just happening to them either, muggle’s parents have also disappeared. the world in disarray and they have to deal not only w trying to find the magic kids around the world before someone more sinister does, but it’s also more important than ever that the statute of secrecy is maintained. this one needs to be more fleshed out but harry accidentally becomes like a cool absolute ruler cause kids r nuts

in conclusion:

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

Trans Activism

Okay. So it’s about time I talk about this. First and foremost, I need to get this out of the way. I HATE, trans-activism. Do not take this to mean I hate trans people, as it does not mean that. Do not take this to mean that I don’t want trans people to live peacefully. This is also not the case. With all of this said let me get into what I need to say.

Trans-activism is doing much to hurt Trans and non-trans people alike. This video which links to an article goes in depth about it. Fact of the matter is, we have issues with having conversations about Transgender as a concept. Even the slightest notion of, “maybe this person who says they are trans, is not actually trans” gets you labeled as a transphobe. But if this article proves anything, It’s that trans-activists have done more to hurt people than to help. I know this to be the case because everyone and their mothers at this point lean towards, “OMG i’m so proud that you are coming out as trans! I totally support this. What’s that? You don’t really know if you’re trans? That’s what bigots sound like. If you think you are trans at all, then you just are.” 

I can not tell you how often I’ve seen this before. I’ve seen it in real life. I’ve seen it on this hellsite, I’ve even seen it on Twitter and Facebook. Friendship and support is not blind. Nor does it ignore dangers, and science. I have had several arguments with people on Twitter and on here, that have told me hormone blockers have no “side effects”. Are you kidding me? No side effects? Ok lets go over them for those in the back of the room shall we. 

-They prevent proper growth.

-They hinder immune system growth.

-Your sexual organs don’t grow in properly.

-After taking them, depending on how long you took them, can make you unable to have kids.

-Your body never fully evens out after taking them for longer than a few months.

-This lack of immune growth and physical growth can lead to other issues down the road.

-Lower bone density

ETC.

And this is the short list. The list for what happens when you start on a hormone treatment to transition can be much more devastating to your body. This is not to mention the fact that it is an invasive surgery, be it male to female or female to male. ALSO, assuming you end up not actually being trans, you might have a laundry list of physical traits you don’t want after the fact. Like for instance, you end up much shorter than you would have. You end up with a lot of body hair you can NEVER GET RID OF, among other things. Though, we never talk about this stuff. Because the only thing trans-activists care about is trying to convince as many people as possible that they are trans. Hell, there is even a movement of them that infiltrate gay and lesbian message boards or chat rooms and literally just keep nudging them to believe they are trans rather than gay or lesbian. Do you understand how sick that is? To tell someone that even if they know they are homosexual, that actually they really, “aren’t” and are actually just the opposite gender? Do you GRASP how fucked up that is? These people are also responsible for “Rapid onset gender dysphoria”. A thing that has not only not been backed by any studies at all but is made up BS, to try and convince people who are not trans that they actually are. 

These people are demented. Demented to a degree that makes me worry. Fact of the matter is that these young people in this article are basically fucked for the rest of their lives. And a LARGE number of them are young girls. A decent number of whom have autistic tendencies or are actually autistic. And some of them will have to grow up shaving their faces daily, because trans-activists don’t actually care about them. And they will have to stay in hiding as well. Because progressives and activists will attack them. Call them traitors. Probably even bully and berate them. Fun fact is thought that if you watch this video it talk about something I've been talking about for a long time. Actually trying to treat the root of the body dysphoria. If after several months of working with a person in therapy, they are not showing signs of improvement, then you can suggest to them that they ARE in fact trans. 

Trans is not just saying you are trans. And just parading it around to the trans-trenders saying you don’t actually need body dysphoria to be trans is insane. Not only does it de-legitimize what it is to be trans, but it de-legitimatizes all that trans people have had to go through up until this point. It tells them that their struggle is now just some trend for people who want to feel special get to pretend to be. Meanwhile there are trans people out there right now, who are thinking about killing themselves. Because it’s not everything they were told it would be. It’s not all sunshine and roses. It’s not just some simple walk in the park. And what’s more, you can’t pretend it’s because people discriminate against them. Especially if they are passing after all is said and done. And many are. And they don’t walk around saying “I’m a trans man” or “I’m a trans woman”. They normally identify as the sex they have transitioned too. And short of knowing them prior to it all, how would you KNOW, to discriminate against them? Short answer? You wouldn’t. 

I’m really tired of us not being able to have a REAL conversation with these people. I’m really tired of these insane activists saying that 3-14 year olds have the MENTAL CAPACITY, to decide they are the opposite sex. Most people don’t even know what identity is until they are into their late teens. And even then, they don’t really know who they are until they are in their 20’s. YES. There are people who have transitioned that are very happy and might stay happy for their whole lives. Props to them and I wish them the best. But this notion that everyone is automatically trans because they are not manly enough, or girly enough is stupid. Tomboys do not have to be trans the same way femboys don’t have to be trans. Hell is it not the progressive thing to do to oppose gender norms? So why the hell do trans-activists push for those same norms so damn hard? If you’re allowed to be a man and wear a dress, then why the hell do men who want to do that HAVE to actually be women? Sounds more like you are the ones enforcing stereotypical gender roles to me.

I want to end on this note though. We need to have a conversation about this. We need to be able to talk about gender dysphoria, and what is being trans. We also need to stop letting parents convince their kids that they are trans. Children say a lot, and many go through phases. And what you all don’t understand, is that if you believe that kids have to capacity to make LIFE ALTERING DECISIONS like being trans and taking hormone blockers or start transitioning before 20, not only do I think you are messed up in the head, but you are also saying in that moment, that a CHILD has the capacity to consent to sex. Both have very life changing consequences, and both require a lot of experience and wisdom to fully understand. 

I have a LOT of respect for trans people in general. I DO NOT have any respect for trans-activists. They’ve done so much more to hurt people than they have to help them. Honestly? I feel sorry for these young adults. They were probably “supported” in the same way most trans people are. “Everything will be great! I’m so happy for you! Oh i always knew it! I’ll support you no matter what! Oh it’s perfectly safe when can i take you to look into it?” And what’s more, Doctors are having to go along with it. Out of fear that progressives and activists will get them fired, or get their license removed some how. This is not just physical doctors but psychologists as well. Parents will sit in, and if the doctor does not agree that they ARE TRANS, just like the 5y/o said, the parents will then mobilize a progressive mob against them. This only serves to hurt people more than it does to help. Not only that but it serves to hurt trans acceptance in the broader world. Places that have watched this happen and feel like it’s too much trouble to deal with. This video. The article. Both need to be conversation starters. We need to realize that trans-trenders, and trans activists are screwing things up. Trans people already have enough to deal with. The last thing they need is to become villains. And believe me, if people continue to get hurt like this. Continue to be brainwashed and taken advantage like this. They won’t blame the activists and progressives. They will blame the entire trans community. And if that happens, we might actually fall back years on the progress we have made for trans people.

[stuff-my-smalls-like]

Tw: Mk Ultra child trafficking

Today is my father's birthday. I can't sleep. I have been debating in my mind about whether to write anything about it at all, as I know he will probably read it. He had me to program, rape and traffic me as a child. He is still doing what he always has done, as far as I know. Until he dies, he probably will continue to do so. Therefore, I have no reason to believe he won't read this, as reading this will still probably be part of his job. That being said, none of this is for him. None of this is actually about him. It is about me and my healing and it is to all the empathetic people who support me that I write this now.

My father is a monster, pure and simple. That doesn't mean he is to blame for it, but he is. He has raped and killed kids. Many kids. So many kids, my mind won't let me try to conceive of how many. I tried to calculate it recently, how many he has killed. I tried to approximate it as closely as possible, but I can't remember the number now. I had an emotional breakdown right afterwards, as I recall, and now I can't remember what it was, but it was a lot. It was a lot.

In case anyone is wondering, I have been to the police. I went in 2016. With photographic evidence and all. Evidence I had miraculously managed to acquire, hold onto and see for what it was through the course of my deprogramming. I still couldn't talk to the police about all of it, but it didn't matter. I was victimized and discarded by them and would have been anyway. The police are friends with people like my dad. Not me. Not the children who stand up to them. So I threw the pictures away and that was that. Of course, I had to grieve terribly over the loss of them, but speaking out on youtube has helped with that. Speaking to other survivors has helped a lot with that.

I still struggle in that area deeply though. Speaking to other survivors. I can barely email anyone one-on-one for fear of accidentally hurting them. Or getting hurt myself. I was trained as a programmer and am still terrified of being accessed. These two things put together have made it almost impossible for me to talk to other survivors online if the interactions are not public, say in tumblr or youtube comments. It is something that makes me very sad and I feel like I have let a lot of people down.

The programmer part of it all is huge for me. My dad trained me as a programmer as he was a programmer himself. And as I understand, he was trained in childhood by a famous Nazi whose name I can't bring myself to say right now, but I have said it online before. Lately, I've been struggling to say his name in a new way, as I recently saw a photograph of my father as a boy that indicates that they may really have been related like I have feared.

I was always told my father's father was an English-Canadian man who came to the United States when he was a young boy, but I never met him and have no evidence to show that he was his real father. So often parents lie to their kids about their parentage in Mk Ultra. If I didn't look so much like both of my parents, I'd wonder more about my own.

Sadly, I really think I am my father's son (male alter speaking here) and when I look in the mirror, I search every time for my humanity within to balance my pain and rage and resemblance to him and my true self, my love, the part of me that cares about all beings as he did not. I still shudder to think that some part of him is alive inside me, but I know that as I heal, I let go of what I internalized from him and more and more become the person I am meant to be, the person I was before I was born: me. Not my parents, but me.

Who that is though, I cannot say, as I have felt like I am made of pain for so long, I can hardly remember anything else, but I caught glimpses as a child of my true self before I "went away," disappeared into Damien and got spit back out at 18 years old with no idea what happened.

That was an experience, that is for certain. I woke up one day into my body and realized I was female, realized I was not my father, and it has been a challenging "descent" into my own body, so to speak, a long-term process of healing in which I come to understand that I am trans, I in myself am a man, I as a whole am non-binary, and my father is not and has never been me.

But narcissistic parents have such hold on their kids. Such an insane desire to control them and make them into themselves (or an anti-mirror of themselves) that they nearly destroy them (if they don't do so completely when they're very, very young). And it's taken me a long time to see my father for what he was: a narcissist. For what he is, but he is dead to me now. It is hard to talk about him in the present tense because the idea of him being around, still somehow being my father (whatever that means) and still committing crimes is unbearable.

Today is his birthday and in this rambling post in which I spit some of my feelings out for healing purposes, I find solace. I shudder to think where he is finding his solace now.

[darthkieduss]

Reasons I hate Fat Donnie Trump (will update frequently)

#Republican, duh. #Narcissistic Personality Order #He lost the Popular vote. #No previous political experience #Has unrealistic ideas about how to solve America's problems, such as getting Mexico to pay for a wall to keep illegal immigrants out. #Vice President is a crazy fundamentalist Christian homophobic wackjob who thinks electroshock therapy cures homosexuality and can't be alone with a woman without his wife present. #Believes in unscientific ideas such as the idea that vaccines cause autism (I am autistic so this is a bit personal) #Has made comments alluding to sexual harassment. #Can't let any slight go. Even comments made about his sign. Jeez, Obama simply shrugged off the trolls and haters. #Won't stop bitch-tweeting. #Enacted the separation of children from their parents. #Tried to ban trans folks from the military. As long as they serve our country, who cares? #Suspended CNN's press pass after some tough questioning. #Is imposing insanely high tariffs on imported goods, mostly from China. #Supports unconstitutional profiling of Muslims. #Supports killing civilians in war. “We gotta take our their families” WHO THINKS LIKE THIS? #Posted troops on the border just for political advantage in the 2018 mid-terms. #Is a shameless self-promoter. #Can't admit his own faults. #Believes he's qualified for president because he's rich (said this in 2013) #Has passed insane tax cuts for the rich, which only increase America's budget deficit and national debt. TRICKLE-DOWN NEVER WORKS. #Had to be discouraged from invading Venezuela, who hasn't done anything to us and poses no threat to us. #Gets advice from Fox News. #Pulled out the Iran deal which was working. #Thinks that the way to show strength is by being a dick. #Cheated on every one of his wives and lied about it. We impeached Bill Clinton for it. #Has increased the military budget way too much. We spend $664 BILLION on the military. It doesn't need anymore. #Claimed Obama spied on him by wiretapping the Trump towers. Provided no evidence. #When he is criticized for something, he claims “Obama started it...” *facepalm* #LIES ON A CONSTANT BASIS. I think he lies just to see what his fans will believe... #He won't admit he lost the popular vote. He says "If you deduct the illegal voters." Oh please... #Is undoing everything Obama did just because it was Obama that did it. If he could bring back Osama bin Laden, he would. #WORLD LEADERS ARE LAUGHING AT HIM AND US #He has his cabinet kiss his ass on a constant basis. #He committed campaign finance violations during the election. #He fired FBI Director Jimmy the Giant Comey just because he wouldn't swear loyalty to him and was investigating him. That’s Obstruction of Justice. #Attacked former Attorney General Jeff Sessions for not closing the Mueller investigation. #He said he wanted to lower the minimum wage back in 2015. #The infamous "Mexicans are rapists" Comment. #Attacked the late John McCain for being a Prisoner-of-War. #Gave out a Senator's cellphone number out of spite. #Blamed Megyn Kelly's tough questioning on her period. #He said "Bring back torture EVEN IF IT DOESN'T WORK". (2015) ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! #Tried to have his political opponents locked up. #"Jokes" about being president-for-life. If Obama had "joked" about this, the right would've lost their shit. #Threatened martial law in Chicago. #Praised Protestant bigot Norman Peale, who only opposed JFK simply because he was Catholic. #He violated the Presidential Records Act. #One of his tax cuts gave the poor $40, the ultra-rich $940,000 #He appeals to insecure men. #He and Jeff Sessions said it is ok to discriminate against gay people. #Complains about people not respecting the flag, says the guy who molests it. #Wants North Korean-style Military Parades. #Started that Obama birth certificate bullshit... He only said Obama was born in America in 2016...when it was politically-convenient. (*cough* back-pedaling) #He believes women are beneath him. #Doesn't believe in Global Warming. #Wouldn't stop saying interrupting Clinton in the debates. #Has more in common with the criminal Richard Nixon than anyone else. (Edit: He called for an end to investigations like Tricky Dick did in ‘74) #3.2 MILLION Americans lost their health insurance in Trump's first year. #"A terror attack would help me politically bigly." or we could NOT have a terrorist attack, thank you. #Claimed he would've run into a school shooting to confront the shooter without a weapon. BULLSHIT. #His lawyers say "I can't let him testify because he can't stop lying." #His budget obliterated funding for Science, Education, EPA & labor. #He encourages Republicans to break the law. #Tweeted FAKE photos to convince his fans that the border wall is being built. #Has committed obstruction of justice. (Edit: Confirmed by Mueller) #Said he's in favor of bombing civilians. #He had the USAF bomb an antivenom medical facility in Syria. #He said he only received $1 Million from his father. HE GOT $400 Million. ANOTHER LIE. #He makes everything about himself. Even 9/11. Who makes 9/11 about himself? #Claims he's completely immune to lawsuits over constitutional violations. Nixon said that, but it didn't work for him. #He's driving us to another Great Depression. #He threatened to punish the media if they weren't nice to him. #He calls the press "The enemy of the people" when they don't kiss his ass. #He calls Sean Hannity every night. Sean Hannity is a partisan hack who wouldn't turn on a Republican president even if he found out he was using JFK's Eternal Flame to light farts. He’s so far up Trump’s ass he can taste his lunch. #He still uses his private NON-SECURE cell phone, creating HUGE National Security problems. #He admitted his attacks on the media are just to discredit negative stories. #He claims he has the power to pardon himself. NO THE HELL HE DOESN'T. #Giuliani said Trump can't testify because his memory keeps changing. #THE MOST THIN-SKINNED PRESIDENT. #He is against the protections for pre-existing conditions. HE is a pre-existing condition. #When told Kim Jong-Un is a murderer, he responded "He's a tough guy." #He says Americans should obey him like North Koreans are forced at gunpoint to obey Kim Jong-un. #He trusts brutal dictators, but not our closest allies. #He is jealous of Kim Jong-Un's absolute grip on power. #He lied about the German crime rate to justify his immigration policies. #He suggested destroying the Constitution so he can deport immigrants faster. #Authorized USING LETHAL FORCE ON UNARMED MIGRANTS!!! #Lied to the United Nations, saying poverty in America doesn't actually exist. I PERSONALLY know people who are living in poverty. #He issued a gag order to stop government employees from talking to reporters. #He said, on tape, that if Senator Elizabeth Warren proved she was Native American, he would donate $1 million to a charity of her choice. When she did, and someone pointed it out, he said "I didn't say that." Whether or not he’s obligated to pay, he said he would but now he’s saying he didn’t say it. #Says people who criticize him are a threat to America. #His trade wars have cost 100,000+ American jobs. #People who work for him tend to be convicted of crimes... #Makes slanderous lies about us Democrats. #Told German Chancellor she owes him $1 Trillion even though she doesn't him shit. #76% of the claims Trump makes during his rallies are LIES. #He has committed at least NINE impeachable offenses. #He said he believes Russian president Vladimir Putin over OUR OWN intelligence agencies. #He once said in December 2016, "Fuck the law! I don't give a fuck about the law! I want my fucking money!" #Claimed we've won the war on poverty, so let's cut food stamp programs. No we haven't. #He threatened to nuke the economy to spite China. #He said he'd drain the swamp, yet he was 86 lobbyists on his staff. #He thinks everyone else is as stupid as he is. #Corporations are PRAYING that Trump tweets us into a war. #He told a crowd "reality isn't real" so they should ignore it. #Wages have tanked after Trump's wealthy tax cut. #Nixon was guilty as hell and Trump sounds just like him. #He actually claimed you need a Picture ID to buy cereal....CEREAL...WHO IS THIS STUPID?!?! #He claimed people will die if we don't make cars less fuel efficient. #By August 2018 his lie count topped 4,200+. By May 2019, it’s now 10,000+. #His administration is now allowing more toxic asbestos into our daily lives. #His wife plagiarized Michelle Obama in a speech during the election. #He watches tapes of his rallies to marvel at his own "brilliance", if that's what you call it. More like jerking off to himself. #He said military might is more important that jobs. #He said violating ethics rules to meet with Fox news is in "the public's interest" #Discreetly called for Hillary Clinton's assassination by firearm (”Second Amendment people”) if she had won. #Claimed he would ONLY accept the results of the 2016 election IF HE WON. #Said "Let's fucking kill him" of Bashar al-Assad. Yes, Assad is a bad man, but WE DON'T ASSASSINATE PEOPLE. #He said he wants to separate migrants kids from parents INDEFINITELY. #He acted like a total ass on the 2018 9/11 anniversary. #He denies that 3,000+ Puerto Ricans died in Hurricane Maria. #Pentagon officials had to stop Trump from tweeting us into a war. #American taxpayers spent $77 MILLION on Trump's Golf trips. #Criticized Obama for golf trips...has taken more golf trips in 3 years than Obama did in 8. #Said the FBI is a "Cancer to the country". #His administration cut cancer research funding to pay for child prisons. #Puerto Rico won't get statehood simply because they were mean to him. *His administration said Planet is burning down, so let's just ruin it now. *Says he loves North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un. “We fell in love”. *Talked about his dick at the debates. *He is being investigated for tax evasion and fraud. *Hates immigrants, married two Eastern European immigrant, son of a Scottish immigrant and grandson of a German immigrant. *Claimed Iraq War was wrong, yet he has increased troop numbers there. *Compared sexual assault victims to arsonists. #He denied Saudi Arabia financial interests...AFTER bragging about them. #He hasn't condemned Saudi Arabia for their murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. #He mocked decorated Navy SEAL, saying they should've gotten Osama bin Laden sooner. WHAT? #He banned 2 Million Federal workers from discussing his impeachment at work. #He demanded that he leave the G20 during the climate change discussion. #He told about skyrocketing national debt: "I won't be here." when it explodes. #Called a US Senator "The Dick". #*His hush money payments were done ILLEGALLY, with campaign cash. #His cult sent bombs to everyone he criticized. Not saying he's directly responsible but that's how cultist his fans are. #He threatened to bring Saturday Night Live to court simply for making fun of him. Awww poor baby, is someone making fun of you? Good. #Never has a president been under so much investigations except Richard Nixon. #He pulled us out of the Paris agreements. #His 2018 government shutdown lasted 35 days and was over a stupid wall. #He only works 40% of the day. He's the laziest POTUS ever. #He pulled us out of the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty. HE STARTED A NEW COLD WAR. #He won’t release his taxes. If he’s got nothing to hide, why HIDE EM? #He threatened us Democrats, saying he has the support of the police, the military and “Bikers for Trump.” Bikers for Trump=BrownShirts. #Claims that windmill causes cancer and kill birds...Are you fucking kidding me? #His son Donny Douchebag got a crowd to chant “AOC sucks” like the douchebag he is. #Claimed his father was born in Germany. Fred Trump was born in NYC, how stupid can you be to not know where your parents were born... #Claims he should get 2 more years added to his term because those 2 years were “stolen” by the Mueller report. *facepalm-cringe* #He told 4 Progressive non-white Congresswomen to “Go back to where you came from”. 3 of 4 were BORN HERE, YOU FUCKING RACIST #One-uped the “go back to your country” but viciously attacking Elijah Cummings and Baltimore in a racist Twitter tirade. #Extorted the Ukrainian President to investigate Joe Biden (finally being impeached) #He's always blaming everybody else, complaining, never taking responsibility. #"I inherited a mess." You inherited millions of dollars, you whiny...little...BITCH!

[grayingarchitect-blog]

Parents

Blue. See-through. Seductive.

Rotund. Slow. Awkward.

My first love. My gateway into the queer world. My first Apple computer.

Technically, it wasn’t mine. It was my aunt’s that I temporarily borrowed for a few months so that I could have my own computer in my room. Bear in mind that this was 2011, and still before iPads and tablets and teenagers having their own laptops. I think my phone still had a real keyboard.

BUT! I had internet access and a screen more than two inches across and I was ready to make my formal entrance into the queer kingdom that although unable to enter physically, my digital self was already a walking pride flag. I spend the next six months watching coveted episodes of The L Word on YouTube until 2am. Naturally all the good scenes were 18 and older only, so I had to use my exceptionally vivid and well exercised imagination to fill in the gaps. Despite my secrecy and well versed tall tales, I was still a rule follower when it came to all things digital. I even waited until my 14th birthday to create a Facebook account... Hold the judgement please. The only time I ever broke that rule was when I was ten, and I ended up in a year of fear that a creepy older man was going to show up at my door and kidnap me. But that’s a story for another time.

My parents sent me to reparative therapy when they found out that I was gay. I spent my Wednesday afternoons being driven by my mother to a small house across the street from their old church to meet with a middle aged woman who felt that it was her passion to help gay people find the root of their gayness and become straight “again.” She recommended a book to me called “A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing.” I never read it. The title alone hurt enough. Was I the wolf? Or was I the sheep? Was I a monster? Or was I a helpless victim?

Eventually I succumbed to it and let the idea of being “fixed” settle into my bones like the root of a toxic weed, slowly cracking through my soul and feasting on any semblance of hope that I had left for a life of peace. My mother started letting my drive to therapy by myself. I always went. I ended up attending an ex-gay conference at the church across the street and heard stories of straight people experiencing sexual abuse and trauma, a man who molested his step children and was able to seek help and develop a healthy relationship with them again, and a man who previously identified as gay and was now married to a woman and had children and the happiest life you could ever imagine.

I was sixteen. And this was the message I received:

You are broken.

You are this way because you’ve been traumatized.

You share the stage with pedophiles.

You must be fixed.

I graduated from therapy at some point. I went back in the closet. I continued seeing my partner in secret. Making out in the back of one of our cars at a park. Covert meals at Taco del Mar. Long walks along the lake. Hours and hours of late night silent Skype sessions. Sneaking into their bedroom through the window.

My parents were less than pleased when they found out about all of it. I was called a bitch. I was told to go kill myself if that’s what I really wanted to do. Eventually I was told that my father could handle me being gay. But it would kill him if I was trans. So that’s the one thing I absolutely can’t do. At least I wasn’t trans.

I spent a lot of time in and out of therapy for the next... well I’m still in therapy actually. My parents really damaged me. They broke my heart. They didn’t support any relationship I ever had. They couldn’t accept that I was queer, and loved who I loved. I went in and out of that closet like it was a revolving door and I was a six year old having the time of my life. I was so angry at them. When I got engaged, I had to tell them two days beforehand because I knew that they would be displeased. Thankfully I had hardened my heart in preparation, because they were cold and distant once I told them. They didn’t like my future spouse, and made it abundantly clear.

I bought my suit with my future mother-in-law. I was too afraid to ask my own mother to go with me, because I was wearing a suit and not a dress.

My mom walked out of the venue while we were decorating the venue because my MIL called me by my chosen name.

They cried during the ceremony. My mom refused to sign our wedding certificate as a witness, despite having agreed to do so prior to the ceremony.

My marriage lasted less than two years.

______

I blamed them. When I got the “I told you so” after telling them that I was getting divorced. When they told everyone else. When they said that they never really liked my partner anyway. I was so angry that my partner left me and proved my parents right. I felt inferior. I was the only representative of queerness to my entire conservative religious family. And I fucked it up. I fucked it up for all the queer folks that any of them ever meet.

That’s a big burden to carry as a young person.

I blamed my parents for a long time. I had to. I needed to. The emotional work to heal was just too much, and it was easier to push all of that emotional weight on them instead of carrying it by myself.

I lost everything in my divorce. My chosen family that supported everything about me. My friends. My home. My security. My self-worth.

I attempted suicide and was hospitalized within a year of my divorce going through. I blamed my parents for that too.

My parents had traumatized me. They had damaged me. They had hurt me so badly that I never wanted anything do with them again. I thought that I had experienced the worst parents that a middle class white kid could experience. My parents were homophobic, transphobic, emotionally stunted, vindictive, and cruel. They raised a depressed, anti-social, anxiety driven kid who hates themselves, attempted suicide twice, and can’t manage to find a successful relationship of any kind.

Even if all of that were true (it’s not), they still raised me. Despite all of the mistakes, errors in judgement, and harm that they caused, they still managed to raise a resilient kid that survived transitioning in a conservative environment and managed to find a life of his own.

I’m trying to take the good with the bad. No, my parents aren’t perfect. They have made major fuck ups. But they keep trying. When I told them about my most recent partner, my mom’s first question was “do they treat you right?” They have grown so much. Because they love me. Not because they had to, or because society pressured them to (they live in a pretty conservative bubble and don’t have to change unless they actually want to). They told me that I was broken when I first came out. They totally fucked that one up. If we had had a better relationship, I might not have ended up marrying someone that was incapable of loving me for me. But their homophobia prevented me from being able to decipher the truth from the bias.

My parents totally fucked up at times. But they still raised me. And I’m pretty fucking awesome.

[queer-ii]

I Need Advice, Please

Here is my situation;

(TW; racial stuff, rape, molestation, abuse, self harm)

My parents are super racist

This is pretty ironic since only one of my parents is white, and I'm a mixed child. They often say things like "this area has gotten so ghetto" when anyone that isn't white is around. They told me when we moved that they looked for a school that was "predominantly white so you will get better education, and we won't need to worry about the other students' behavior." They even speak about other mixed kids and praise the lighter skinned as "good mixes" while shaming those who inherit darker tones.

My parents are super sexist

They often say things like "you need to marry rich" to me and it's just horrific. Considering they're both women. They'll often slut shame anyone who is open about their sexuality, they justify any actions a guy does to a woman because "guys are more rough." It just pisses me off. I'm honestly too tired to write out all the stupid shit they said here, so I'll just leave you with that.

My family is abusive

They are very big about hitting, beating, throwing down, throwing things, and so on. They were the kind of people that forced me to eat my food from the trash can as a child because I was a picky eater and would try to throw it away--they also threatened to force me to eat my vomit if I ever threw up. I don't think I can recall every belt, broom, mop, or wooden object that has been broken over me, but I can assure you it's a lot. It got to a point where my father sprained my leg and yelled at me for limping on it because it impeded on my ability to continue my chores. I was nine.

There's also the emotional stuff. They'll be cruel to me in so many ways. For example, they would praise my brother--he's the favorite--for things that I do. There's also times like when I was sent to suicide watch, where my mother clung to my arm and made everything about her. My father yelled at me the entire time. They're both manipulative as fuck, for instance they will try to buy my affection and trust, and then the next day throw everything I own away(which they have done numerous times.) They're controlling. I haven't been allowed outside on my own in almost five years. Then there's examples like the most recent time my father kicked me out of the house. They blamed me and claimed I was a runaway, yelling at me for not answering my phone. Right after kicking me out, my father had taken my phone and thrown it down the hallway, away from me. Just to give you an idea of that. And I don't even want to get started on my brother.

My parents are transphobic to nonbinary folk

They equate nonbinary folk to drag queens and girls who like to wear pants. They like to shout about how their existence is fake and a cry for attention. When I came out as nonbinary(which was over four years ago) they ignored it until it was right in their face. Then they yelled at me and did as they always did--push unnecessary arguments that don't make sense and punish me for not being who they wanted as a child. That's an entirely different story, about the time they told me they would have forced me to be female, even if I wasn't born as one.

My parents are transphobic to anyone who is under the age of 20

It's bad enough that they don't respect the fact that I am trans. They disrespect EVERYONE. All of my friends. Kids younger than me. You name them--my parents will ignore it.

My father--WHO IS A TRANS WOMAN--also doesn't like "new age" trans folk for having plans on how to transition(such as when to start horomones after taking blockers for younger kids). For not experiencing the same prejudice--like being forced through shock therapy. For killing themselves over something "so small" when peers push them too far. From what I gather, her mentality is "How DARE you not suffer as much as I did? You haven't earned the right of passage."

I have known I was trans since I was very young. It took me time to know just what it meant, but I have known since I was in elementary school. Yet both of my parents like to remind me that I'm not trans--because I couldn't possibly understand what it means to be trans.

My parents are narcissistic

They really enjoy complaining about everyone else's behavior, and then do the exact fucking thing they were complaining about. My mother brags constantly and acts like everyone around her is a child that doesn't have basic knowledge. My father down plays everyone's achievements--including the fact that I have written over a dozen books while she's only finished one--and says that they will never be good enough.

My parents ignore me and do not respect me

They will ignore nearly everything I have said. They ignore me when I try to show them something important to me. They ignore me when I ask them to stop calling me things like "baby" or "lovies" or even any of the countless insulting nicknames they've come up with for me.

Then there's the bullying. They will sit there and pick apart every detail about me. My hair? Ahh, that looks stupid, let's mock it and laugh! My stomach is visible? Better remind our child to suck it in! Keep in mind with that last example; I'm the skinnest one in my family.

Oh! And then there is the family business. Once, back when I first joined Tumblr and tried to reach out for help after I realized I had been molested and raped for years as a child--it suddenly became the family scandal, and I had to hide in my room for hours because EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Of my relatives was calling to ask why I would ruin his life (I'm not going to say who it was, but know it was a family member). Keep in mind, my account was not open to anything they would have normally seen. No, instead my parents have a list of all of my accounts and passwords. They have access to my original email. And they demand to have the passwords to every other account I've made.

I'm financially under the thumb of my parents

When I turned 18, the funds from my previous work was moved into an account I had access to. However, my mother made sure that HER name was on the account, so I cannot close it without her permission or remove funds without her knowledge. In the time from when I lost my first job to the time I gained access to my bank account, about a thousand dollars went missing. Anyone want to guess where it went?

My parents prevent me from seeking help for my mental problems--and will chastise me for having them

Ever since I can remember I have been punished for crying. I have become more than aquainted with the phrase "You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about." Except i was almost always crying because of what they'd already done to make me cry. I've had panic attacks regularly since I was seven years old because of them. Fuck, I've had nervous breakdowns increasingly too.

Then there's the time they found out about the years of sexual abuse--which, by the way, I confided in a friend online about, and they learned of it by snooping through my accounts. They sent me to therapy because they thought I was lying and was trying to ruin his life. I was not allowed alone in the room with the therapist. I was barely allowed to talk. All of it was everyone screaming at me and saying things like "you want to ruin him? Send him to prison for the rest of his life? Is that what you want?" Or things like "you want to sue him, right? No? Then he must not have done anything wrong." Think of a ten or eleven year old going through that. I would also like to mention that I contracted a urinary tract infection from it--something commonly caused by not urinating after sex. And they ignored it until I was clawing the skin off my arms from the pain.

Then there is the time I was sent to suicide watch by my former high school. I was punished for being sent there. I was punished for self harming. I was guilt tripped and yelled at for feeling so stressed that I needed to cut--and they ignored me when I asked to seek help because I actually cut when nothing fells real, and only the pain could make me see what was real and what wasn't.

Keep in mind, I am now a legal adult. I was unable to emancipate myself because I have no where to go. I have no money, I have been unable to find a job, and I unfortunately still live with them.

I would also like to bring up that I can't bring charges against them. I can't contact police about any of this. I don't have any proof anymore besides my word against theirs, and even if I did, there are other reasons of why I can't. It will impact how people view trans women. It will impact how people see interracial couples. It will impact how people see two women raising children. Those people who like to think abusive childhoods cause lgbt kids because of how many experience it. With the struggle of people barely accepting the community--if at all--I can't put people through that because of what they did to me. It wouldn't be fair.

What can I do?