#perfectly ok for so many ppl there and for . FOR WHAT. the reasoning can stand maybe 10 seconds of questioning max

[faaun]

critical thinking not being taught as a skill rly rly has its impact on cultures long term like cultures where the education is based more on memorisarion rather than genuine problem solving/thinking for urself tend to be so clearly different in the way they approach their outlooks towards politics and society etc etc

[free-falling-grenade]

OK. I want to knw your STANCE. I've seen ppl post abt Raya being jealous when people are around Namaari & flirting. Bt i think its WAY more effective if it were the opposite. Coz Raya, god forbid, alone for all those years, has no fucking clue how drop dead gorgeous she is. How flexible, & athletic this binturi is. So NATURALLy, everyone would be falling head over heels. What if they were in Fang & she's jst surrounded by people fawning over her. Namaari's just seethes in jealousy!!

I completely agree with you, anon. I think coz Raya’s lack of social experience, she doesn’t really get it when people are flirting with her. Maybe she sees it as them being polite coz she is a princess from another land so she just takes it into stride. It does make her slightly uncomfortable to get all the attention though.

Imagine this:

Raya is in Fang, walking around with Namaari till a group of children in the garden ushers for the princesses to join them, they of course listen. The children then asks Raya if she can do any “cool tricks” as they demonstrate what they meant by that on this slightly small but impressive looking obstacle course on the park/garden for kids to play and practice on. There are adults watching, assuming parents and teachers intrigued whether Raya would agree to the children’s request. 

Just as Namaari was about to turn the ‘kittens’ down politely, Raya just excitedly agrees, saying it looks fun and totally can pull off something to show them. She then gets pulled off to the course while the Fang princess stands there just as curious what Raya is going to do. 

Raya stretches her limbs then with some high fives from the children, she dashes to the obstacle course. Everyone around her watches how she expertly hops on the stumps, swings herself fluidly on the bars and spinning majestically midair as she lands on perfectly poised on the floor. She swiftly climbs up on the taller bar instead of swinging on it, then leaping off to end the course with an elegant backflip causing the crowd around her that had gathered to watch to burst into an applause. 

Namaari bites her bottom lip, always impressed by the other princess’ flexibility. She watches her get crowded by a bunch of excitable children and adults, complimenting her skills and bombarding her with a series of questions. She sees her humbly laugh away their comments. Suddenly, a group of men and women around their age approaches the Heart princess, some of them latching on sneaky touches on the guardian’s exposed biceps, or tussling the ends of her long wavy hair in their fingers. 

She observes the flutter of eyelashes of some Fang women as they inched themselves closer to the princess, whispering in her ear causing the shorter girl to blush. A predatory growl leaves her lips, low enough to not be heard but enough to shock herself. She notices the way her heart twist uncomfortably at the sight of others feeling up the princess, her own fist balled up tightly, nails almost piercing through her palm. Her own glare useless as no one paid attention to the fuming princess standing on the sidelines. 

She’s about to parade off angrily when she meets Raya’s gaze, the dark honey brown eyes pleading for help, a goofy grimace etched on her face as she laughs off whatever they people around her were saying. Warmth spread through her body, anger and jealousy washing away as she strides towards her direction and waving off everyone else as formally as she can without biting anyone’s head off.

“As impressive as the Heart princess’ display was on a children’s course” the joke eliciting a playful nudge on her side, “Show time is over, I need the princess for important things” She curses herself inwardly for her lack of reason. 

Thankfully, everyone aww’d and respectfully start to disperse away. A few ladies hanging around them still, one of them directly looking at the Heart princess, “You should stop by our food stand. Food’s on the house for a beautiful lady like you”

Namaari taken aback at the outward flirting right in front of her and the audacity of the Fang merchant, she opens her mouth to say something back but she feels an arm curling around her own, Raya interlocking their hands gently. She feels her heart leap to her throat.

“Thank you for the offer! The Princess and I will stop by whenever we can” the Heart princess replies casually. 

The hurt look and realization crosses the merchant’s face, eyes widening slightly. She bows respectfully spluttering her goodbye before leading away with the group of girls trailing behind her.

Raya sighs in relief, leaning closer to the Fang princess, “So many people.” She huffs out, “Thanks for the save, dep la” she says looking up at her grinning. 

Namaari blinks blankly back, “Are you aware they were flirting with you?” She dares to ask.

Raya just tilts her head in confusion, “Flirting? I thought they were just being polite and offering me food” She shrugs thinking back to their interaction. 

The warrior looks at her incredulously. Realization hits Raya and a playful smirk grows on her lips, “Are you jealous?” 

The flustered look of the Fang princess says it all. She tries to pull away and feigning a scowl for being caught, embarrassment seeping through her skin, but the other princess just pulls back forcefully, her grip on their joined hands tightening.

“Don’t worry, dep la. My eyes are only for you” Namaari just groans in mortification as she leads them away from the garden, hands still intertwined but not bothering to look back at the teasing look on the princess’ face.

-x-

This was lowkey fun to write LOL.

[batarangsoundsdumb]

hae interrogationes multae respondeant quia demens .

if you read this entire ask post you deserve a gold star and financial recompensation

Um, Obviously because when you’re adopted by a white guy you automatically become white duhhh

this is about this post lmao and yeah youre absolutely right, you have to hand your poc card in when you get adopted by a white guy.

Do you think Cass would listen to Yanni, the YouTube channel epic symphonic rock, or some other stuff? There's some cool mashups but idk if that's up your alley, I kinda feel like I'm pushing it with my weird taste of music by recommending an orchestra cover of metal, but i just love that sort of thing and mashups :P @harvestyourcherries 

i haven’t heard of that? but in my personal (correct) opinion steph listens to classical music, and then both modern and older, and then also stuff like black sabbath, iron maiden, but also hardrock and hardcore. i like the idea of cass just liking the most extreme screaming songs full of noise and then also listen to pachelbel’s 370th sonata yanno? THANK YOU for the rec tho

speaking of ur cass playlist hc...reminds of the time (yesterday) i found 2 playlists randomly on spotify from the same user. one was abt 3 hours of instrumental/classical "dark" & "nostalgic" music. the other almost 11 hours of nothing but hardcore bass/synth/electronic music. just an incredible tightrope act to put on in public. the synth one was also called like "psalms for synth sluts" which is Also incredible

tbh i LOVE synth SO MUCH like for no reason at all but then also cannot handle a poppy electronic beat lmao. but this seems like the kinda thing i’d do but just in one (1) playlist bc i just sort songs by vibe instead of genre? that’s how i end up with britney spears and billy ray cyrus in the same playlist. 

Oh, I want Kate Kane playlist next! It would be amazing if you could do one when you have time and will 🙏

how rude would it be of me to just say no? like sorry kate but idk you and also you seem way too keen on the us military for an institution that homophobically targeted you? (and also commits war crimes) but let’s unpack the fact that the institution that caused the death of your mom and sister and also got you blacklisted for being gay is still one you align with???

'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' --- when i tell you i fucking screamed LOL!!!!!!! i can imagine the cameraman not knowing if he should cut to commercial or keep it on these two weirdos fighting on stage (bruce definitely ruffled dick's hair/noogied him right?? 

about this post but yeah lmao. this cameraman just turns to like the audience to get a reaction and it’s just multiple moments of CLEAR shock.

you are the only funny person on this hellsite

how egotistical is it for me to say that i get this ask multiple times a month? bc it literally happens so often it’s hilarious to me.

Wish there was more john/Bruce content 😔😔😔 was so hungry I actually looked at canon media 😔😔😔 (Justice League Dark babeeeyyyyyy)

check out batman: damned for some mediocre content but at least it’s john/bruce (also very interesting story and stuff, just got very >:( over this weird part where harley quinn tried to r*pe bruce or something? it’s not for everyone)

dick grayson but he's nicki minaj

his anaconda don’t want none,,, unless...... 

Dick Grayson was never a cop, he played Marshall on Paw Patrol

you are SO right. also paw patrol is a fucking good show idc. that shit could’ve been the new steven universe on this hellsite.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CS1lI0bLI7-/?utm_medium=copy_link

...

why do people keep reposting my CONTENT. if you are not funny yourself don’t just grab shit off of tumblr and post it on insta,,, get a life. sidenote: should i start an insta and get all these ppl to take my content down that would be funny as hell.

Might I suggest for a Gotham City Meme: something about the true crime fandom thirsting for the rogues gallery

ok can i just say something slightly controversial?? no? i don’t find true crime ppl who are into criminals funny, that shits disturbing irl im not gonna bring that into my very chill universe.

i may have never seen a 'jason cleaning guns in sink' fic but i do know he WOULD

THANK YOU

bestie im sorry to say this to you but while you can, and people do wash their guns in the sink, that is a lot of lead in a very vital part of the kitchen.

people tend to do it in the bathtub.

WHY???? like damn why do you even have guns

i dont think i read many gun sink fics exactly but i have read lots of fics where jason cleanes his guns in the living room. usualy dissembles them and cleans them with a rag i think

lmao fair enough, like i think that’s a large part of what i remember as well.

if you say you've seen/read gun sink fics I believe you. I think those of us who didn't see them are lucky or maybe didn't search for fics by tags or something idk

i mean ive never sought them out but i HAVE seen them,, like definitely i know almost for certain.

saw your tags and I'm interested in Steph/Kara now. They would be the most chaotic couple <3

literally thoooo, i have a wip where they get together in a zombie apocalypse and like UGGGHhhh i am so in love with them.

I am the Breece anon. Thanks for the recommendation; am reading now. I’ve always been a hardcore Superman fan because I love my pure himbo farm boy. My logic is, if one Bruce is a Broose, then multiple Broose are a herd of Breece. And this is a hill upon which I will perish.

fair enough,,,, like moose, meese, goose, geese, bruce, breece. i get your logic and i stand by it as well. (glad you enjoyed the comic recs!!!!)

It's a beautiful day in Gotham, and you are a group of horrible Breece

OH my god dude lmao

there only being 42 fics on ao3 for tim and bernard is honestly so sad i need more

it’s like twice that now!!! we did it lads. (tho very sad that my fic isnt number one but like number 4 :((((  )

i'm too late you already did the poll lol but may i suggest bethy (bernard + timothy)

shit dude that wouldve been so fucking funnyyyyy. think ppl have just stuck to timber tho, tim/bernard kinda died down recently and i think it’s too bad, they’re a great couple and i love them.

Wait, hear me out

Bernothy @redlightofdawn

great recommendation (lmao this ask is from like a month ago) but very sorry to announce that NARDTH is the superior shipname

Wait, we know that bernard likes milfs (Tim's step-mom) but what about dilfs? gilfs?

Wait no, I regret sending that ask

these were two seperate asks and they’re HILARIOUS. in my personal opinion tho,,, milfs, gilfs, dilfs are just about vibes and bernard is just attracted to sexy ppl who may sometimes be milfs, dilfs, or EVEN gilfs.

crime in bludhaven would drop to half if nightwing had a boob window. in this essay i will-

WHERE’S THE ESSAY ANON, WHERE’S THE FUCKING ESSAY

Wait if Barbra and Tim r at opposite ends at all times what happened to Barbra once everyone’s Tim’s ever love before started dying lol

she won a lottery ticket and spent 2 weeks on a resort in the bahamas before returning home and finding out that the joker was arrested for tax evasion and then spent a month staying at her big tiddie goth girlfriend’s house before conner came back to life and she broke her pinkie playing table hockey.

Why is the opposite end thing so funny and compelling to me. Tim comes back from his depression quest for Bruce and Babs is now a literal god

lmao when tim loses his spleen barbara reaches nirvana.

Are you still taking music recs because I have three songs that remind me of Jason that I think you'd like

send to me or lose a toe

🌸 ⭐ put this star into the inbox of your favorite blogs. it’s time to spread positivity! ⭐🌸😋

thanks, i wont tho on account of i wont.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMduBy3Sr/

⬆️

This is the whole of Blüdhaven and everyone anywhere.

Nightwings ass alone saves more people in a calendar year and does more for so society than most heroes do their whole career.Also u are one of the funniest tumblr pages out there. The vibes are unmatched and the memes and tags ✨send me✨.Thank u and goodnight @julia-flow 

fanksss also lmao.

That's going to be a little bit difficult to explain, but

There's some music that you listen to and you think, "oh my gosh, I can perfectly imagine Dick Grayson singing this song, with the same voice as the singer because that voice matches with Dick Grayson"?

oh yeah totally lmao. i have a lot of songs that i think are just entirely dick grayson yanno? kind of all of my playlists have that vibe, but i really find bleachers to fit with dick? idk.

"Lois lane/Superman" fics this, "Lois lane/Clark Kent" fics that, (/lh) let's get into the real good stuff. Some people ship Lois, Clark, and Superman as a throuple. Most popular fic tag for sure

yes totally, i think they’d be absolutely killer on ao3 and clark gets so fucking embarassed about it.

I miss your post, hope you’re doing okay!!

haha this was like 2 months ago, but i was doing fine then too! just didn’t have a lot of inspiration in terms of content.

Doot doot!

noot noot

I’m confused. What did DC do now? Like with nightwing? And another sibling? Please spoil everything for me

lmao they gave him a secret sister plotline where they had his dad cheat on his mom with tony zucco’s wife, bc dick’s life wasn’t traumatic enough yet.

sorry but it's so funny that batman is called "the dark knight" when the gotham city baseball team is called the gotham knights. it'd be like if a vigilante was running around new york called like "the scary yankee"

lmaooo no. but like yankee comes from dutch names or something so wouldnt it be HILARIOUS if gotham knights came from like german names and bruce would be running around called the dark KLAUS UND NIEK @graysonnightwing 

(not a batcest shipper) it’s so funny to me that the responses are “i’m a batcest shipper because i can differentiate fiction from reality and and it doesn’t bother me personally, but i understand why you oils think it’s weird” to “i wish all batcest shippers a very fucking die”

yeah lmaoo. i personally basically flipped my entire stance around to ‘i dont care please leave me and everybody else alone’ bc i think there’s really no point in starting a moral dillema over some fucking fandom bullshit. Please just,,, go home,,, log off, find a nice forest to have a little walk in and remember that somewhere in history, somebody probably died in the place you’re standing. and you will also die someday, and somebody will have to look at your internet usage and see you fighting multiple people anonymously while being named ‘nightwingsbuttchin200186′ like... calm down, we’re all gonna die this is not the thing to worry about.

so since like "wards" don't really exist in modern society almost all the batkids are foster kids, right? i used to work in the system and imagine: monthly visits from social workers and guardian ad litems, bruce having to get permission to take the boys anywhere out of state, calling their social worker at like 8 a.m. like "yeah dick broke his arm again... a gymnastics accident this time...." their poor social worker. bruce send her a huge bouquet and box of chocolates every month to stay on her good side

i imagine the social worker just getting into the case like ‘yeah let’s get this kid a good guardian’ and then ending up having to work with 22 y/o bruce wayne and his 50 y/o dad. and so this social worker is like ‘okay we can work with this, this is the best home i can find’ and then like it ends up landing on its feet and then the kid gets adopted and then they get a call a year later like ‘uhm so hi, this kid tried to steal my tyres can i adopt him?’ and like 3 years later. ‘okay so basically, my neighbours’ kid imprinted on me and now they’re dead, can i keep him?’ two years later it’s like ‘okay so this assassin child-’

ever since I saw that one post of yours, the meme that's something like "I know that abba's backup dancer got me" with a picture of discowing, I've been haunted. Every once in a while I'll be minding my own business then the image of abba's backup dancer dick grayson aka nightwing aka discowing will flash in my mind and I'll be frozen in place. Today at work I was in the middle of folding clothes and suddenly once again discowing entered my mind and I suddenly lost the ability to see anything except He. Thank you.

wow. the IMPACT.

Braver than any US marine man props to you🤝

this shit is about the time i wrote an article on batcest, like man,,, the fact that i didn’t get cancelled is MIRACULOUS. also like,,, uh if anybody on here did gossip on me,, send screenshots i’d love to see it.

Hello, just wanted to say your article was great. Thank you for taking the time to provide an unbaised answer. It should provide people with nuances they couldn't possibly conjure on their own.

May I ask where your username originates from?

yes you may (also thanks!!!) i thought it up when i was trying to find an original username bc i didnt want to be called like ‘timdrakes something something’ or ‘jason todd something smoething’ or ‘dick grayson something something’ yanno? so i thought batarangs, they sound so dumb and that’s my username story... now it’s my whole entire brand lmao.

yno that bit in kick ass where red mist asks kick ass if he wants a hit of his blunt, was that the inspo for stoner tim

no? it’s bc i think stoners are hilarious and drugs are great. (dont do drugs tho) 

How would u feel if someone actually wore one of those bruce or ollie pride shirts u edited

fenomenal next question.

Dick as lil huddy and Jason as James gave me radiation poisoning and now I’m screaming crying throwing up so thx for that

(Rico suave as Tim is perfect tho literally no changes needed)

i was so funny for that shit wasn’t i??? lmao i loved those weird ass fancasts

You're doing the Lord's work by providing us with all these Gotham/Metropolis citizens memes, thank you for being so relentlessly funny @nellethiel-aranel

you’re welcome!! i really enjoy making memes, but getting validation for my content and my memes is REALLY nice.

Bruce is such a slut in your memes and honestly i love that for him @rhodey-rhudert-rhodes-main 

he’s that much of a slut irl too dw.

Bruce and Alfred have an emergency pride flag for the batkids. Oliver Queen printed an emergency "I love my gay son" t-shirt and as soon as Roy told him he was dating Jason, Oliver started wearing that shirt everyday and Roy always cringes when he sees it. Oliver also has an emergency "I love my lesbian daughter" shirt just in case for Cissie.

lmao YES i had a post like this bc like all of their kids/family members are so gayy

stop bringing back batfam fancasts it is not real it is not real it is not- 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

oh yes it is my darling.

did discowing burn down the notredam because he hates the bees? @allulily

no he did it bc fuck the french.

im gonna beg for 1 thing and 1 thing only. please please please put physical by olivia newton john on dick's playlist

okay then beg. bc i wont. physical reminds me too much of glee and that hurts me mentally.

your playlist is sorely missing some Madonna. Specifically Into the Groove, Like a Prayer, and Vogue

i’m scared of madonna that’s why she’s not on there. she haunts me in my dreams.

suggestion: son of batman by aaron dews for dick’s playlist🤩

sorry, i listened to it and the vibe didn’t agree with me.

Hear me out, metropolis citizens sending rare pair fics of Clark Kent x Superman fics to Lois to edit

yes, absolutely hilarious. even more funny if they send like physical copies, no address attached and lois sends it back marked with red ink, SOMEHOW

Imagine all the smut Clark must of read editing the fics

clark reads smut confirmeeed

NOT LOIS READING SUPERBAT PORN AND EDITING IT A 2AM 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

hc that alfred is a meta that boosts healing factor of the people around him. if the bats are injured as much as they seem to be they would be doing bat stuff MAYBE half the year. no one including alfred knows about this. whenever the kids move out they inexplicably dont recover from injuries as fast and feel better whenever they visit the manor they just chalk it up to homesickness. bruce just thinks he heals really fast. alfred thinks everyone doesnt take care of themselves properly @finchcollector

that’s actually such a great idea, but i think that alfred would find out and learn how to concentrate it better so he can help more people, bc he’s great and i love him.

One of your dickfast posts reminded me of that tweet that goes: 'so you've had sex how many times? Yeah technically that's not a bromance' lol that's dickwally or dickroy

literally tho. like that’s all of dick’s friendships. once it gets past a certain time dick is like ‘wow i wonder what it would be like to make out with wally, wally come make out with me’ and wally’s like ‘we’ve done this like 40 times, dick, you know what it’s like’ and dick is like ‘sorry are you complaining?’ and they just make out.

superfam and batfam associations??

-batman and superman

-dick/barabara and supergirl?

-conner and tim

-jon and damian

pls enlighten me I am confused

nope,,, uhm batman and superman, but dick and superman as well, and then conner and tim, jon and damian and steph + babs with supergirl

I came across a fic in which Wonder Woman calls Batman "Stella" (like Stellaluna, the children's book) and I can imagine the batkids hop on the trend and maybe copies of the book appear at random places (aka, everywhere Bruce frequents)

sorry can’t reciprocate that was the name of my high school chemistry teacher and it gives me nightmares to think about.

good human what are your pronouns?

wouldn’t you like to know?

I need me some gothamites preferring harley over joker memes

everyone prefers harley over joker youre just very fucked up if you dont

don't understand why people try to add like veteran policy to the batfamily

dick pulling out his veteran batfam member card so he can eat first: step aside, peasants

Do you know the song Simmer by Haley Williams? It (the first verse anyways) reminds me of Jason? It's about rage.

damn yeah i LOVE HAYLEY!!!! youre right thoo

Okay so I like listen to your stoner Tim Drake playlist 24/7 but would he listen to skegss? Also I keep adding songs mentally it’s killing me 😩✋🏼 Anyways,, I literally love and worship your playlist 😃🤞🏼 And uh yeah have a good day ✨

stoner tim drake playlist is lyfeeee. also dont know who skeggs is? i’m stupid? have a good day!!

All the Robins (and Batgirl) decide to trade costumes for one night just to fuck with Batman and all the villains in Gotham. @subspacecadet 

batman knows it’s them youknow but like,,, what does he call them? he’s like ‘red hood?’ and 3 people answer and he’s not about to compromise some identities so he’s just Pissed.

I aspire to treat cops the way my dad treats them. This man is a 45 year old Asian immigrant to the US and the treats them like his pets. He talks about them like unruly children. Sometimes he pays off local cops to shut up and stop acting racist. And usually it works. I don’t know why but I can see Oliver Queen doing this

vibes... and also yes? oliver queen handing a local cop a donut to shut the fuck up lmao. but yanno i commit enough crimes to not really want to ever see a cop ever, so they kinda scare the everloving fuck out of me.

seeing as tim hasn't aged in years, that means he was 17 at peak emo tumblr era. im back on my emo tim bullshit and im not letting it go

emo tim had a wattpad account send tweet

People seem to think that batman is so dark and serious when the rainbow batsuit is right there. He wore it with no shame.

dude the 60s were a DIFFERENT TIME

dick grew up in a circus, jason grew up on the streets, and tim was probably raised by the internet

all of them cuss every other word and you cannot tell me otherwise

bitch i KNOW but dc has to change to an 18+ rating if they want to sell comix with swear words in them so we gotta deal with imagining the swear words in ourselves

thoughts on teen titans and young justice

haven’t seen teen titans on account of havent seen it and young justice was LITERALLY my favourite thing ever, tho i do gotta admit it’s not at all similar to the young justice comics unfortunately. i really wouldve liked to see timmy bart kon cassie and cissie animated on tv!!

ew ew ew how to delete batcest shippers I genuinely digust them

log off tumblr?

Okay as poc who was called racist for calling an Italian pastabrain: in the batfam are Italians bit Damian just yells various insults about the others being Italian. Just him yelling “What are you doing you moronic spaghettihead!” At steph etc

huh? i meant real italians. homeboy is telling steph he hopes she chokes on her fucking garlic.

I think it's dumb as hell to pull the batman is the best fighter in the batfam argument because like it's just irresponsible of Bruce to let his kids fight when they couldn't possibly be on his league or something

fair enough, but also like who cares they could all kill you just sit down and take a beating.

lady shiva, thalia al ghul and Selina Kyle are all milfs @notanothertimburtonenthusiastugh 

unfortunately, i have to admit,,, you’re right

why tf didn't someone give joker a death sentence already? like he's a mass murderer...give him the electric chair treatment wtf

idk i think plenty of people would have tried to murder him already (boring answer is: he is a popular character so they can’t kill him off bc he brings in lots of money)

There’s no such thing as “ copaganda”.

all american media is propaganda. happy to clear this up for you

is it bad that I find lady shiva owa owa

no. find her as owa owa as you want.

aight I'm guessing the order of your favs in batfam:

1. tim

2. Steph

3. dick

4. Duke

5. the rest

you’re wrong but it’s cute that you tried, i generally don’t have favourites, but i have a special place in my heart for steph, tim, dick and cass. bc they were like my introduction to batfam. but damian, jason, duke, bruce, babs and alfred are NOT FORGOTTEN OR UNLOVED

oh my god i was literally just readily willing to believe that italians werent white ty for clarifying it was a joke im so dumb sdkvjskdfs

i mean some italians aren’t white? italian is a nationality as well as an ethnicity, so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

since I saw so many people doing headcanons about the nationalities of batboys, I see Dick as an Italian.

dont know if youre serious or not, but sure.

super random but

jason 🤝 damian

old english

lmao fair enough.

tim absolutely has 1 gay uncle and his parents shit talk said uncle all the time so after bruce adopts him he specifically reaches out to this uncle to be like "heyyyy just so you know you majorly influenced my life yes i know i havent seen you since i was 5 and at the family reunion yes i know you dont remember my name idc thank you im gay too" and then they never talk again.

yuppp lmao that’s definitely something that could happen. i can also consider tim having no family members, like none. until he does like a dna test and he realises he has like an aunt living barely 2 miles away from him who’s like some illegitimate child of his grandpa.

I dare you one of them sends clark superman/clark fic and clark corrects the shit out of it and then goes like ps his dick is not that big, just telling as someone who has seen it. internet either explodes or goes who tf did he not fuck at this point.

i think everybody would call clark a buzzkill and try to cancel him over that.

so you're telling me Tim Drake wouldn't buy Starbucks?

no. dunkin donuts all the way

One of my favorite things is imagining people finding out jason came back from the dead and being like "oh no does he have magic powers now?!?!?" and he just pulls out a gun and tries to shoot joker

now he doesn’t even have the gun :) lmao

my favorite batfamily fanfictions are the ones where they use their shitty codenames, unironically, in any context

bruce gets codename ‘ugh’ everytime. he hates it.

crazy that tim being a 17 y/o ceo and a stoner who does brand deals are all actual canon things written in detective comics comics and not made up for shits and giggles by you, tumblr user batarangsoundsdumb @rowdeyclown

SO CRAZY HUH?

batman au where everything is the same but his utility belt is bright pink

absolutely, but i raise you, his boots light up like sketchers when he kicks people.

unbeknownst to the superhero fandom writers in the dcuniverse, clark and BRUCE are one of the most prolific fanfic writers in the superhero rpf tag on ao3. clark writes the best lois x superman angst, full of unhappy endings and scenes that are a so detailed you'd think you were in the middle of a superhero beatdown. bruce made an ao3 account to fuel "the do the butts match" thing, and makes batman/bruce fics from time to time. he wrote a superbat fic as a joke but ended up making it REAL porny. @concrastinator

dude they’re WAY too busy for that. Oliver Queen and Hal Jordan on the other hand are the most prolific fanfic writers in the superhero rpf tag writing what is Mostly porn.

When the dining table topic gets to politics, Steph says "eat the rich" as the solution

bruce just silently takes away her fork and knife while she’s talking.

[trihardent]

SO OBSESSED with how if we define honour as A) a willingness to go into battle, B) being honest and C) keeping to your word/ obligations that it perfectly maps onto The Red Army, who have honour, and their enemies, who don't.

FURTHER MORE

IF WE VIEW THE ENTIRE TEXT THROUGH THE LENS OF HONOUR VS DISHONOUR, IMPULSES BETRAYAL IS MORE CLEARLY FORESHADOWED, THE REASON WHY THE RED ARMY MADE SO MANY ENEMIES IS THEMATICALLY EXPLAINED, AND IT EVEN ADDS ANOTHER ELEMENT OF GREATNESS TO THE RENCHANTING DUOS CHARACTER GROWTH.

OK. First off. Renchanting Duo. Because its super quickneasy to explain, & I'm trying rlly hard to keep interest for as long as possible b4 ppls eyes glaze over at the wall of text.

Ren and Martyn's character arcs are to respectively, A) learn to be willing to stick up for your self, & B) learning to dedicate yourself* to others. So, they both become more honourable. And, as A DIRECT RESULT of BECOMING MORE HONOURABLE, REN MAKES SCAR HIS ENEMY. LEADING TO THE RED ARMY, THE ORGANIZATION REPRESENTING HONOUR, FORMING.

SO, WE LITERALLY SEE THEIR CHARACTER GROWTH CREATE THE SERVERS BIGGEST FACTION, WHICH IS BASED ON THE VALUES THEY HELPED EACH OTHER LEARN.

*screams*

*Dedicating oneself to others is not necessarily an inherent gain of honour like Ren's Arc is, but the looking at Martyn's behaviour we see how dedicating himself to Renchanting stopped him from really falling into dishonourable behaviour [see: his early penchant for heists]

OK. Second. Impulse's betrayal. There are a lot of moments where Impulse is shown to be less honourable than the others, him saying he'd give his life for Ren and then backing away the moment an actual arrow is shot, all the half truthing and dodging blame and sucking up to everyone.

As the thesis states, Red Army = Honour. If you're honourable, youre in, if youre dishonourable, youre out. So if you're skirting the line of dishonour, yet claiming to be honourable.......... You're foreshadowing :)

But. MY ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE MOMENT. What could be called the actual betrayal, Impulse leading the Red Army away from Dogwarts so the Crastle can trap it.

OK LIKE. Impulse has already been shown to be semi-dishonourable, and because the Red Army stand for honour, thats already foreshadowing that he's a traitor when he joins up. But. BUT. THE WAY HE BETRAYS THEM is one of THE MOST DISHONOURABLE THINGS HE COULD DO. LET'S TALLY UP MY MOST RECENT INVENTION, THE HONOUR POINTS SHALL WE?

He makes a secret (-1) plan with the Crastle folks to betray the Red Army (-1) so he can prove his loyalty to them (+1). Impulse is to lure them away(-1) so Tango can set a trap(-1). When he gets there, he convinces the Red Army INSTEAD of going into battle (-2) that THEY SHOULD START LYING (-2) and SPREADING FAKE NEWS (-2) across the server. Before having an absolute spy moment where he gives the secret go signal (-1) for the Crastle to, need I remind you, do something very dishonourable. Which! He manages to lie (-1) about after so he can get his stuff!!!!!!!!

-11 honour points!

So. His first explicit mission to betray the Red Army has him not only flagrantly breaking every ideal they stand for at least twice over, but ALSO CORRUPTING the Red Army into going against their own principles.

cool.

Finally. Their Enemies. Strategically, making so many enemies was pretty failcringe. THEMATICALLY though, THEMATICALLY. Good stuff. basically just a list of all the ways you could consider their enemies dishounarble by the criteria I laid out in the beginning. I've officially talked about all the Very important stuff so formatting is minimal from here on out.

Desert Duo: Scar's literal defining trait throughout the series was being seen as untrustworthy and exactly 0 people believing he was gonna follow through on any deal he made ever. Also, cue @/red-rose-gown's post about most of Scar's kills being while his enemies were facing away and the one that wasn't was because he was backing away. Scar basically never took an honest fight with anyone until the final duel w/ Grian, it was all running away and traps and hiding and distractions for him. Speaking of Grian, the trap king himself. Need I say anymore? Probably, but this has been sitting in my drafts for a month now.

Flower Husbands: Scott "Well He Doesn't Know I'm a Liar Yet" Smajor who just wanted to retire, and not go into battle. Not an honour move bro. Shout outs to the Daisy fiasco*, dishonour on you, dishonour on your husband, dishonour on your cow. Obviously Mr. "I don't wanna kill anyone" Gaming, who was planning on hiding the entire rest of the game also does not count as honourable.

ALSO the thing that made them official enemies was not wanting to go into possible danger ala Jimmy being freaked out over the idea of a sacrifice.

Crastle: A)Their whole thing was combat avoidance by hiding in the castle. 2.1) Bdubs hiding from the red army after they killed Cleo and Tango, 2.2) Bdubs disavowing Cleo after she was permakilled in front of him because he was scared of the red army, C.a) llama thievery C.b) roof burnage, no matter its target, is lowkey dishonourable, 4) the helmet stunt was literally a way for Bdubs to kill Etho without having to actually fight him.

Joel: See, the Daisy fiasco, the wall burning, the missile launch, the betrayal of the Red Army, I feel like this ones pretty self explanatory.

Tango: Double agentry, and The lava game was a way to murder people without combat, so dishonour. dishonourrrr. that not a real word to me rn thanks for reading this entire thing <3

[t4tlawlight]

Occam's razor is the principle that, of two explanations that account for all the facts, the simpler one is more likely to be correct.

this post is going to cover traits specific to the manga and the television drama, since those are the best adaptations to showcase L’s autism. THIS POST is required reading before you read anything i’m about to type, because it explains what kind of character niche L falls into--an unintentionally autistic coded character. i’ll talk more about that at the end.

i’m going to talk about manga L first, since he’s the original version after all. i’m going to go in order of physical traits, to behavioral, to his character writing. also, tumblr eats posts that have outside links, so i’m going to have my non-tumblr sources in a separate post, here.

anyways, more under the cut!

MANGA/ANIME:

sitting with his legs up and spine bent / sitting on the floor

this is such a big one and its extremely common in ppl with autism. sitting in chairs normally is uncomfortable to outright painful w many ppl with these disorders, myself included. L sitting like that (which, to recall, is a blatant homage to sherlock holmes, another character that is so blatantly autistic coded you can find absolutely ridiculous amounts of writing on the topic) and being like "I HAVE TO SIT LIKE THIS TO THINK PROPERLY" is so autistic. like sitting in a certain way to give you specific sensory stimulus/avoid distracting discomfort and pain is a thing. i found this post (1) written by an autistic person on the topic of sitting in chairs being uncomfortable, and it says as much:

“I suspect that seating discomfort is common in autism (though by no means limited to autistic people). Many of us, particularly as children, benefit greatly from chairs designed to be non-stationary: rocking chairs, “fidget” chairs, and so forth. These can improve focus, compensate for proprioceptive hypo-sensitivity, and alleviate restlessness. In short, many “attention issues” can be fixed simply by providing a little motion for the person sitting. Small change, huge results. That's what accommodations do at their best. They make (often minor) adjustments that have profound impacts.”

so when L says that sitting the way he does, for a specific sensory experience, improves his ability to think, it’s perfectly in line with this idea. Also it’s a good pressure stim.

standing with a slouch / shifting his weight around

to begin: yes! it’s very common for autistic people to stand or walk oddly for a number of different reasons, from physical comorbidity to other issues such as dyspraxia (see: movie L). From an article by YAI (2), an I/DD (intellectual and/or developmental disabilities) community program:

“Kyphosis (a curved spine), collapsed chest, dropped shoulders and even scoliosis are observed in many of our patients. These myriad of postural issues may result from reduced strength, decreased biomechanical stability, or from a sensory impairment, such as apraxia. 

Depending on the scene, L has mild to severe kyphosis which is very common in autistic individuals. Other things mentioned in that article if you want to click on it is instability in standing, where you sort of shift your weight around a lot between your  feet or rest all of your weight on one foot, which L is literally doing the first time we see all of him.

speaking with a monotone voice.

i obviously can’t show a picture for this one and it honestly depends on the voice actor you find for L, but in the anime in particular L has a very flat tone. a lot of this is bc he has a dry sense of humor but. just know that it’s very common for autistic people to have a flat affect (or go the other way into being too loud/emotive).

his eating habits. 

a lot (a LOT) of autistic ppl myself included can only eat certain kinds of food for texture and flavor reasons. HOWEVER there’s a term in the autism community called “samefoods” which is really well put by tumblr users candidlyautistic and autism-asks: 

“Samefoods or samefooding is a community word to describe the autistic trait of eating the same food over, and over and over . . . It is part sensory, part routine driven in most cases. A lot of times we samefood because we need that particular mouthfeel / texture / taste, and a lot of times even after that need passes, it turns into a need for routine until you actively dislike that food again.”

“Samefooding on the other hand is closer to a special interest. When I have a samefood (chocolate ice cream, currently), I really, really want that food. I could eat that food endlessly and not get tired of it. I will get upset if I’m not able to have the food in a day. For me, it usually is kind of routine based as well. For instance, with my current samefood, I have some in the evenings and it’s become part of how I wind down from my day.”

we don’t know exactly why L specifically desires sweet food or if he considers it part of his routine, but what we do know is that he really wants to eat sweet food and avoids eating anything other than sweet food, so it could either be that he’s a picky eater and can’t handle savory or he’s samefooding on sweets!

wearing the same clothes

L wears the same clothes every single day. It’s also worth noting that what he does wear is baggy, too-big clothing, the kind that wouldn’t be tight and uncomfortable. once again, sensory issues are a huge thing for autistic individuals. one of my favorite aspects is that in no adaptation does he wear socks. even L wears shoes, he wears them like slippers, not putting them on all the way. people comment that he seems like he’s poor, but we know for a fact that he’s very rich and that wearing these clothes is a personal choice he made.

not caring for himself/outsourcing his self-care

i don’t think one day is exactly canon, rather it’s an exaggeration of what might actually happen--i.e. L doesn’t have a huge closet full of the same outfit, but he does have several versions of the same outfit on rotation; L doesn’t use a human washing machine, but Watari might help him/encourage him to bathe regularly. One Day is a parody comic, but it was made by the creators for a reason and that reason is that L pretty obviously relies on a caretaker (Watari) for his personal needs. Watari, in the manga proper, cooks and cleans and does most things for L. we’ll come back to this topic when we get to the drama though.

doing stimming behaviors

if you don’t know what stimming is, it refers to self-stimulating behaviors, usually involving repetitive movements or sounds. everyone stims to some extent, but in autism it tends to be more obvious, go on for longer, and sometimes be more disruptive to others. it’s often used to help deal with sensory overload, or used to express feelings--think of an autistic person being happy and flapping their hands in the air.

there are a LOT of instances of L displaying stimming behavior, from stacking his food or things on his desk, to spinning in his chair, to biting his fingers/using them to press on his lips, to wriggling and tapping his toes. here are some specific instances:

there are a lot more. i’ll talk about more when we get to dramaverse, but if you rewatch/reread death note it’s definitely worth noting whenever L does something like this!

detective work as a special interest

ok, first and foremost i want to establish what a special interest is. Tumblr user cartoon has my favorite explanation of what a special interest is that i’ve seen to date: 

“To have a deep, intense, passionate and incredibly focused / narrowed interest in a certain area of study, subject, topic or thing - to the exclusion of other interests. This interest is something that exists for the long-term, most often lasting for multiple months, years, or even you’re entire life “

L says that he only does detective work because it’s a hobby, and he finds it entertaining. We’ve also seen that he’s been at it for quite some time--if you take side content (the wammy’s house comic, LABB) seriously, then he’s been at it since childhood, with unwavering interest. it definitely comes across to me as L having a special interest in detective work, rather than it just being a normal hobby or a job for him, especially since he says it isn’t out of any moral obligation.

germaphobia

Germaphobia is very common for individuals with autism. a lot of the time it’s actually sensory issues associated with “dirty” things, and a lot of the time it’s because features of OCD are heavily comorbid with autism, including contamination OCD and such fears. regardless of the reason, though, L’s aversion to touching Bad Things is a very autistic behavior, and so is his resulting quirk that he tends to hold things in a very odd manner!

muted emotional expression

this is getting more into L’s character, but L tends to feel and express emotions in a very muted way. not to say he doesn’t have them, but for instance in the example above, L doesn’t have a solid grasp on what exactly he’s feeling. he thinks he might be acting irrationally and overemotionally because he logically should be afraid, but he isn’t sure, and none of these emotions present themselves visibly. 

i’ve also seen it said that Ukita’s death is another good example of his muted response to emotion--he tells Aizawa to stay rational and his voice doesn’t waver as he tells him as much, but he holds himself tightly. for someone with poor emotional competence, these physical signs of distress can be hard to read in oneself, but Aizawa (a man who is extremely in-tune with his emotions) can tell immediately.

high logic, low empathy

L is also a character who, like many autistic people, lacks a certain degree of empathy. it’s not that he doesn’t have any, but it’s limited enough--and he values logic over it enough--that he’s willing to make extreme decisions and take a “ends justify the means” approach (such as using people as bait.) in the example above, L takes a moment to work through what it must actually feel like, which rings as very autistic.

bluntness/not caring about social convention

there are so many examples of this i honestly could list them all day, but L is a character who is very to-the-point and doesn’t care about mincing his words. he can be outright rude to the people around him, especially if he considers them not worth basic courtesy. see: Matsuda. 

DRAMAVERSE

if you all knew me you should have known this section is inevitable. i’m not going to talk about every single adaptation because i do not have the time and the only other adaptation that is meaningful in that regard is the movieverse (i am fairly certain that movie L is dyspraxic) but on account of the fact that i don’t care about them i won’t subject you all to them here.

anyway, drama L shows much the same traits as animanga L above (they are, after all, technically the same character) but he displays them in different ways. 

he has a much more advanced degree of germaphobia, with Watari saying he’s sensitive to outside air and spraying everyone who enters his space with disinfectant, but not making them wash their hands or anything like that, so we can kind of tell that his issues are more rooted, again, in a fear of germs rather than any actual medical issue. he wants to feel as though he is clean, not necessarily actually be clean. this is very common in contamination OCD, which has a high comorbidity with autism. (my girlfriend has a very good headcanon post about drama L and OCD that isn’t so much analysis than just plain fun, but it’s worth a read!)

he stims, but he has a different array of stims than animanga L--he chews on his jelly pouch bottles, 

he tosses it between his hands, 

he kicks his feet,

and he bounces in his chair.

he still sits in an unconventional manner. he still samefoods, this time even more exclusively--he only eats Lucky Charge jelly pouches and nutritional bars. Watari onscreen puts his shirts on for him, as well as cooking, cleaning, and mending his clothes for him.

however, there are a few traits that are drama-exclusive that i think really add to an analysis of his autism!

social scripting

social scripting and echolalic scripting are both commonly described as “scripting,” but are very different! echolalic scripting is like echolalia, but echolalic scripting is the recitation of longer passages of dialogue from things the individual has heard before. but social scripting is when you memorize common conversations so you can rattle it off without worrying too much! this can be very handy, such as exchanging basic pleasantries or ordering food, but it can also backfire if someone responds in a way your script’s not set up for. you can find more information on the difference in this video (3). 

now, this relates to L in that there are two separate scenes where L says the same thing, rather inappropriately:

L: When I consider Kira’s personality, could it be that the strong-willed daughter is Kira? Or could that sweet-looking son of yours surprise us by proving to be him? You never know what humans are hiding beneath the surface... Soichiro: Enough. L: Sorry. It was just a joke.

-- Episode 2

L: Light-kun. Oh, I’m sorry... If I called you “Yagami-san,” it would be the same as what I call your father.  Light: That’s okay. Call me whatever you want. L: Then what about Kira? (silence) L: It's a joke.

-- Episode 4

one could say that L just has a terrible sense of humor--and, of course, having a poor grasp of humor is common with autistic individuals--but the fact that he says nearly the same thing as a defense twice makes me feel as though he has it rehearsed as a defense when people react poorly to things he’s said, which happens often.

mirroring and echolalia

echolalia was briefly covered in the previous example, but for those unaware, via wikipedia (4):

Echolalia is the unsolicited repetition of vocalizations made by another person (when repeated by the same person, it is called palilalia). In its profound form it is automatic and effortless.

mirroring, on the other hand, is explained as such, also via wikipedia (5):

Mirroring is the behavior in which one person unconsciously imitates the gesture, speech pattern, or attitude of another. Mirroring often occurs in social situations, particularly in the company of close friends or family. The concept often affects other individuals' notions about the individual that is exhibiting mirroring behaviors, which can lead to the individual building rapport with others.

both of these are very common in autism, and they’re exemplified while L’s character is established watching his favorite TV show, Owarai Paradise. On one occasion, he’s watching the show and this dialogue happens:

Hiroshi: Despite never telling her how I felt, I still got dumped. I am Hiroshi.  Watari: Who was this one again? L: He is Hiroshi. Hiroshi: I am Hiroshi. I am Hiroshi.

-- Episode 2

it’s important to note that in Japanese, “He is Hiroshi” and “I am Hiroshi” are said, at least in this instance, exactly the same, so L is echoing precisely what he’s heard.

On another occasion, L is again watching the show with a glass of wine (seemingly acquired simply to imitate the characters onscreen, as he never drinks it) and when the characters onscreen toast their glasses, L does the same, mirroring them. 

CONCLUSION

I linked a post at the very beginning of this analysis talking about how characters are unintentionally autistic coded, and it’s important to understand how this unintentional coding is different from a headcanon--i didn’t make up these traits. they aren’t something that only exist in my head that i ascribe to L for fun. 

i made this analysis both because i wanted to share L’s autistic coding in one cohesive place, because plenty of people have made lists before, but none that i could find that included so many examples with images and explanations--and i also made it because of the old ryuzaki persona “theory.” 

for those unaware, the ryuzaki persona headcanon suggests that L faked all of these traits in order to make people uncomfortable, to put them off-guard and better mask his identity. i’ve seen posts about people claiming that nobody could actually behave in these ways, that L would surely be unhappy and uncomfortable sitting like that, or eating like that, or engaging in any of these behaviors. I’ve seen some people outright say that L isn’t autistic, but his persona is--that is, he’s pretending to be autistic.

i named this essay “occam’s razor” because, to me, L being autistic is the simplest answer to account for all of these traits. claiming that an autistic coded character is faking it is ableist and it just doesn’t make sense with anything else we know about his character.

but if you want to know more about that, i recommend reading eyecicles’ first!L tag. it’s debunked it in more ways than i ever could.

anyways, in conclusion

[seijungii]

new year new me new bullshit!

hello! not many people follow me here, especially because i basically just use this tumblr to post direct links to ao3 and hope ppl read my stuff lol, but if you have read my stuff, thank you so much. 

i haven’t written fic/anything In General for a hot second, especially stuff in 2nd person (always been kinda uncomfy w/ it) so it means a lot that somebody out there has been enjoying my stuff!

i do have another jjk fic in the works, aside from deeds, not words that ive been making myself work on in the meantime bc my time management is absolutely atrocious. to be honest, I don’t plan on posting it until I’ve finished it in its entirety bc i dont trust myself to post it chapter by chapter.... and write in a sequential order lol. if you’ve read deeds, not words, then u know i am very small brain.

ok that’s enough of me rambling anyways thanks if u follow me and read my bullshit. here’s a sneakpeek of the gojo x reader fic ive been workin on 

You’ve always planned a life of stability and normalcy.

Graduate at 24. Meet a nice guy and get into a steady relationship. Stable job by the time you’re 26. Get married at around 28, have two kids by the time you’re 33, and hopefully live a long and prosperous life before dying peacefully at home surrounded by your loved ones.

Then Gojo Satoru enters your life and fucks that all up.

Your head hurts like shit.

“Another migraine?” 

“...I’ll live.” You let out the longest sigh in existence as you pull out a bottle of Advil from your office drawer, downing 2 pills before clicking through a new exam chart on your computer. “Next patient is… Gojo Satoru? Anything I should know beforehand?”

Your medical assistant hums as she looks up from her computer near yours. “Nothing too important, really—I think he’s just here for a yearly physical. Oh, but he’s super hot.” 

A laugh escapes your mouth as you tug on a white doctor’s coat that’s a size too large. “No flirting with patients, Maeda-kun.”

“Oh, come on.” Maeda-kun rolls her eyes as she places her hand on her chin, giving you a teasing smile. “Haven’t you ever seen an attractive patient and thought, maybe just once?”

You snort at that, opening the office door to head towards the exam room. “Risk of losing my medical license aside, it’s hard to find someone attractive once they’ve started telling you about their explosive diarrhea.”

That leaves Maeda-kun wheezing with laughter, and you give her an exaggerated shrug before finally making your way to your morning patient.

You trudge your way down the hall, suddenly wondering if you should have taken an extra Advil for good measure. Even though you’ve always had a rather weak body (it being one of the main reasons you ended up studying medicine), you still haven’t gotten used to the migraines, aches, and fatigue that’s plagued you since birth.

Standing in front of the door, you take a deep breath, massaging your temples and rehearsing a well-practiced smile before finally entering the room.

“Good morning!” You chirp, raising your voice just a half-pitch higher so it’s welcoming, but not overly eager. “Gojo-san, is that correct?”

You’re greeted by a shock of white hair as the man sitting on the hospital chair in front of you looks up from his phone with a grin. “Yep, that’s me!”

“Great! I’m Doctor (L/N).” You reach out to shake his hand, giving him a once-over before taking a seat in front of the computer. He looks pretty healthy, and Maeda-kun’s pretests had shown perfectly normal numbers for a 27 year old male. It should be a quick and easy exam, leaving you extra time to go over previous X-Ray scans with your next patient. 

“I’ll have the pleasure of being your doctor today. So, what can I help you with?”

“Please, the pleasure is all mine.” He pulls off his sunglasses, shooting you a wink as he slides them into the collar of his shirt. 

…He’s hot, you think, before quickly correcting yourself. He’s not that hot.

The first thing you noticed were his collarbones. Those goddamn collarbones. You never really understood why people found them attractive, but the way they peek out just above his shirt collar is just enough for you to consider changing your mind. And he’s not wearing a tight shirt by any means, but the long-sleeve he’s wearing fits just right around his shoulders and torso so that you can tell—the man works out.

Then there are his eyes. The moment he took off his sunglasses and winked at you, you knew that this wouldn’t be the easy exam you thought it would be.

His eyes are a shade of blue you’ve never seen before, perfectly contrasted against his white eyelashes. It’s the color of the sky on a clear day after a harrowing storm, the color of a lake with more still lurking beneath its depths.

You feel like a deer in headlights. A very attractive pair of headlights.

[loseyoutoloveme]

can you do a rundown/review of every song on folklore like you've done for selena? and what your current top 5 are??

considering this is officially one of my top 3 favourite albums ever i’m v happy to 😌! warning, absolutely every single song will be ranked 10/10

thank for wanting to know my thoughts :( i can’t believe anybody would volunteer to read this JDNSKSDJKDS

first of all, my top 5 is probbbbably gonna change (maybe not tho bc my lover top 5 hasn’t really changed a lot), but for now, i think it’s: august > seven > mad woman > illicit affairs > mirrorball

THE 1:

ngl my very first thought was that it reminded me of same love by macklemore skdjdskjdskjsd but not in a bad way!

literally some of the prettiest lyrics, i knew just from this song that this would top red as her best lyrically (best album in general)

honestly just rly sad and sweet and one of those songs that has such a universal sound i feel?

also the simplest song of the album lyrically (also not in a bad way, just like objectively this is the easiest subject matter on the album with the least opaque lyrics), so a really good opener

best lyrics: “we never painted by the numbers baby but we were making it count/you know the greatest loves of all time are over now” and “we were something don’t you think so/roaring twenties tossing pennies in the pool/and it my wishes came true it would’ve been you”

a cute girl, 10/10

CARDIGAN:

i was surprised by the darkish sound of this one

idk what that like clanking sound in the background is but i find it a lil distracting in the first half of the song - but if i ever find out what it is and it has some symbolic meaning/purpose for being there (i assume it does) i’ll accept it sdjknsd

i love the nostalgia that is so present in like almost every song on this album :(

also the music video is stunning and frames the entire album in the most interesting way, metaphor-wise

best lyrics: “i knew you’d linger like a tattoo kiss/knew you’d haunt all of my what-ifs/the smell of smoke would hang around this long/cause i knew everything when i was young/i knew i’d curse you for the longest time/chasin’ shadows in the grocery line/i knew you’d miss me when the thrill expired/and you’d be standing in my front porch light/and i knew you’d come back to me”

10/10

THE LAST GREAT AMERICAN DYNASTY:

love this one bc it’s like a nice lil exhale in an album filled with angst, like it’s cute and boppy without being aggressive

i’m suddenly absolutely obsessed with rebekah harkness, particularly the “bitch pack” thing and her dyeing someone’s dog green

i love taylor’s storytelling and i love how that’s always been a big part of her approach to songwriting. this is taylor at her best narration, like starlight but so much better. this is a type of songwriting that is so underused these days, esp by mainstream artists and i love so much that she has always used it and been so invested in it

the pronoun change made me screech. sooo goooood

taylor’s obv a deeply autobiographical artist which is why it’s so incredible to hear her tell OTHER people’s stories and somehow make them so her own. like i think it’s mostly the english major in me that just gets so emotional over that...... the way that other people’s stories became our own through the way we tell them......

this song is def the one that is most explicit about the album’s theme of telling stories but ones that tell something about her (and about her listeners too), by switching to personal pronouns at the end. it sets up a pattern for the rest of the album, where each song is about one thing (the actual story she’s telling) but also about a bunch of other things.

a good example of why she’s the greatest songwriter of this generation

best lyrics: “there goes the maddest woman this town has ever seen/she had a marvelous time ruining everything”

10/10

EXILE:

bon iver’s voice was a full shock to the system the first time i listened and idk why sdkjnds it is just so deep and i was not at all expecting it esp after the cuteness of tlgad

anyway these lyrics are GORGEOUS

i love a duet where the 2 singers’ lyrics are meant to be directed at each other. is there a word for that type of duet idk but it always makes a duet infinitely better

the miscommunication exemplified in the bridge...... chef’s kiss heartbreaking

out of all the songs this is the one that makes me feel the most like i am in the middle of a forest in winter. i can already picture myself listening to this song in december with the sound of a crackling fire in the background mmmmmmmm my exact vibe

best lyrics: “you’re not my homeland anymore/so who am i defending now?/you were my town, now i’m in exile seeing you out” and “i’m not your problem anymore/so who am i offending now?”

10/10

MY TEARS RICOCHET:

this chorus BRRROOOOKE ME

writing songs presumably about the masters situation and framing them as breakup songs was absolutely galaxy brain

i feel like the image of tears ricocheting has like a million layers to it and is just suuuuch a smart metaphor

also just such a visually rich song ? so is every song on the album but the metaphors of this song are all just so visual

best lyrics: “i didn’t have it in myself to go with grace/and you’re the hero flying around saving face/and if i’m dead to you why are you at the wake?” and “i can go anywhere i want/anywhere i want, just not home”

10/10

MIRRORBALL:

ok so i did like this one on first listen, i loved absolutely everything on first listen, but it didn’t hit my top 5 until like 8 listens later, so it’s def a big grower and i think could be a huge fan fav by next year

the self-awareness in her writing will never fail to amaze me

the way that life is just performing...... yeah

but it’s crazy to me that a person could be like “i’m a compulsive people pleaser and performer and i’ll do anything to get ppl to like me” and that leads to “i am a disco ball” like ???? her brain is so big. it’s such a gorgeous metaphor.... and the circus imagery AHHHHH

best lyrics: “i’m still on that tightrope/i’m still trying everything to get you laughing at me/i’m still a believer but i don’t know why/i’ve never been a natural, all i do is try try try/i’m still on that trapeze/i’m still trying everything to keep you looking at me” and “i can change everything about me to fit in”

10000/10

SEVEN:

this one simply rips my heart out

at first i was like oh this is so weird and then the chorus just would not leave my head

for me personally, nostalgia is literally 90% of my personality and just for so many personal reasons the thought of childhood ending and all of the growing pains that come along with that have been at the forefront of my psyche for the past year. so it just kills me whenever i find a song like this one and it kills me that taylor specifically has several songs about this topic and this is 100000% the best of them all. like it’s the most beautiful experience to have your thoughts and feelings and fears expressed so perfectly by a total stranger, and that’s rly what art is about and i love taylor for doing that for me and millions of other people

i just feel like this song brings up so many vivid beautiful memories of childhood for so many people, like being outside in the summer and screaming and being free. ugh

the pause after “i hit my peak at seven” before completing the phrase........ OOOOOOOOOF IT HITS TOO HARD

and sound-wise, just so off-beat and cool and unique

best lyrics: “i hit my peek at seven/feet in the swing across the creek” and “are there still beautiful things?” and “love you to the moon and to saturn/passed down like folk songs/the love lasts so long” and “before i learned civility/i used to scream ferociously/any time i wanted”

100000000000/10

AUGUST:

i knew immediately that this would be my favourite tbh like i could sense it the second it began

i wrote my first impression thoughts in my journal and you can tell the exact moment i got to the bridge bc i just started screaming sdnjksdkjsdn

i would 100% get a tattoo that said “to live for the hope of it all”

everything about this song is LITERALLY flawless like i have.......no notes......no thoughts.......it’s just an absolutely perfect song

best lyrics: “back when we were still changing for the better/wanting for was enough/for me it was enough/to live for the hope of it all" and “august sipped away like a bottle of wine/cause you were never mine”

100000000000000000000000000/10

THIS IS ME TRYING:

this song is rly good but i keep forgetting it exists omg :/ once i learn all of the lyrics i’ll appreciate her more

the strings are gorgeous

i was rly surprised that this one was done with jack instead of aaron just bc the bridge of this sounds SOOOO the national

these lyrics could be interpreted in so many different ways depending on the listener’s experiences and that’s beautiful

best lyrics: “i was so ahead of the curve/the curve became a sphere/fell behind all my classmates and i ended up here” and “it’s hard to be at a party when i feel like an open wound/it’s hard to be anywhere these days when all i want is you/you’re a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town”

10/10

ILLICIT AFFAIRS:

that soft high note on “down,” “stop,” etc is sooooo nice

i don’t have many thoughts on it, it’s just so soft, SOOOOOO gorgeous instrumentally and lyrically

best lyrics: “it’s born from just one single glance/but it dies and it dies and it dies/a million little times” and “don’t call me kid, don’t call me baby/look at this godforsaken mess that you made me/you showed me colours you know i can’t see with anyone else” and “you taught me a secret language i can’t speak with anyone else/and you know damn well/for you i would ruin myself/a million little times”

100000/10

INVISIBLE STRING:

like i said about tlgad, this is a nice little break from all the angst and pain and anger sdnjksdnskjsd just a sweet little break to remind u there are good things in the world too. so placed really well in the tracklist imo

super super super super cute chorus

so many pretty melodies

absolutely an autumn song btw

best lyrics: “time, mystical time/cutting me open, then healing me fine”

10/10

MAD WOMAN:

i literally lost my mind listening to this for the first time

i have such a thing for scorned women anthems like i will immediately love it whatever it is

the pure rage when she says “cause you took everything from me” gives me full body chills

it is just so eerie and haunting and perfect

best lyrics: “women like hunting witches too/doing your dirtiest work for you/it’s obvious that wanting me dead/has really brought you two together” and “every time you call me crazy i get more crazy/what about that?” and “good wives always know/she should be mad, should be scathing like me/but no one like a man woman”

1000000/10

EPIPHANY:

i find this one so hard to listen to but it’s absolutely beautiful and devastating and so heavily relevant for i think the whole world rn

the heart monitor and the trumpets tying both of the topics in together is so genius and so heartbreaking

i think will be the sygb of folklore where it makes everybody cry so much that it becomes a skip despite being a beautiful song

best lyrics: “something med school did not cover/someone’s daughter, someone’s mother” and “some things you just can’t speak about”

10/10

BETTY:

first of all THE HARMONICA

this made me so happy bc it’s just so debut and so fearless and it made me SOOOOO nostalgic on my first listen, because it really felt to me like i was getting to listen to a song from debut or fearless for the very first time again

it’s just so sweet and cute and simple and yet another very self-aware moment of looking back to her past material/subject matter

best lyrics: “would you have me? would you want me?/would you tell me to go fuck myself/or lead me to the garden?” and “i’m only seventeen, i don’t know anything/but i know i miss you”

10/10

PEACE:

the bass at the beginning is soooooo nice

this miiiiiight be the strongest song on the album lyrics-wise but idk yet

not much to say, it’s just so gorgeous

best lyrics: “i’m a fire and i’ll keep your brittle heart warm/if your cascade ocean wave blues come/all these people think love’s for show/but i would die for you in secret” and “would it be enough if i could never give you peace?” and “i talk shit with my friends, it’s like i’m wasting your honour”

10/10

HOAX:

i have a feeling this one will be underrated/underappreciated bc it’s just simple and dark and the last song, but this is....... a lyrical masterpiece

i feel like i need to be playing this on vinyl with all of the lights off and just a candle burning yknow, like there’s just something so dark and ancient about it

best lyrics: “my winless fight/this has frozen my ground” and “your faithless love’s the only hoax i believe in/don’t want no other shade of blue but you/no other sadness in the world would do” and “you knew it still hurt underneath my scars/from when they pulled me apart/but what you did was just as dark/darling this was just as hard”

10/10

OVERALL: 10000000000/10 literally one of the best albums i have ever heard and (while i wouldn’t put it past her to top it) absolutely the best work of her career. so complex and layered and emotional and painful and genuine and different. not to get ahead of myself but this is/should be considered her blue, her rumours, her abbey road....... god. can’t wait to listen to this album for the rest of my life and play it for my future children and just watch it live on as the greatest work of one of the most important artists of the 21st century

[uoongs]

[translation] MXTX Interview - TGCF questions

this is rlly for everyone to love hc more TT // split by general/book1, book 3 spoilers, and book 5 spoilers via headings (though all are minor spoilers imo, except for the one in bk 5?)

there’s another question that pertains to TGCF’s comments, which I found interesting but have left out for now because it’s very very long. it’s half translated, so maybe i’ll finish it later

CW: domestic violence, Q.21 suicidal thoughts

the mdzs parts were prev translated here by @bigbadredpanda

original interview here

reposts and translations OK, but pls give credit!! twt @/uooongs, tumblr @uoongs, ig @/duoj1ao

GENERAL / BOOK 1 REFERENCES

Q14. TGCF characters’ heights?

Xie Lian 178cm (but can perfectly seem like 180), Hua Chen 190 (first appearance as a cute fresh youth was 185cm), Jun Wu 191, Feng Xin 188, Mu Qing 188, Mo Shui 189, Shi Wudu 187, Shi Qinxuan 186 (woman form 176), Pei Ming 188, Ling Wen 180, Quan Yizhen 184 (but has a very tall presence), Yin Yu 186 (but miraculously no matter how tall he is it’s hard to notice this person).

PS: Yu Shi [rain master?]’s cow is 150 without standing up

Q17. What was XL doing after his second time getting banished to the human realm? What was HC doing? Why couldn’t he find XL? HC previously swore to not let XL know he’s protecting him, so why did he decide to meet XL again after 800 years?

XL tried doing other jobs, but all didn’t go too well, and would bring sadness/strife to others, so could only collect trash by himself.

HC was looking for him while also working on his skills + earning money, expanding his power, and worked hard to become the strongest dude!

Really, it was because XL’s luck was so terrible and stuck to him so closely that he couldn’t meet HC. Actually, many times they almost saw each other, like in Banyue, and also when XL was Fangxin head priest, but both times they just missed each other. Finally XL ascended by himself and CEO Hua couldn’t contain himself and rushed over.

T/N:

strongest dude: the word here used is “jiahuo” 家伙 which is an informal, sometimes affectionate way of calling someone, kind of like “brat” ? but without the parental figure tone

CEO Hua: 花总 “hua zong” the zong here is used as a suffix of respect, usually used for business partners/ ppl holding business positions

Q18. When they first met again, why did HC not let XL touch him?

Because he loved and respected him. He was scared he’d get too excited and do something wrong. Later, the reason was that sometimes if he thought he made a mistake, like not protecting Dianxia well, he would not let himself touch his idol. Even if he wanted to a lot, he wouldn’t let himself touch, because it’s his own punishment for himself.

Q19. What did XL like doing as a kid? Did he whine like a kid?

He liked going on swings, calligraphy, drawing, reading books most people wouldn’t read, building and knocking over golden toy block houses. Whined a lot, and would insist on sleeping with his parents. So when he stopped whining like that the king didn’t find him as cute.

T/N: the “whine” here is the best English equivalent as far as I know, but perhaps you’re more familiar with the term “aegyo”? lol. Original word is 撒娇 “sa jiao”

Q20. Where did HC’s name and San Lang come from?

Why Hua Cheng, only he himself would know, since names are based on intuition and he didn’t tell me anything. San Lang was firstly because he was actually the third child at home, secondly because he fell during the third lap during the Offering to the Gods parade, thirdly because BLABLABLABLA many reasons to guess. Being the third seme of the novels is also an interesting Easter egg, but that wasn’t the main reason. Just as why Lan Wangji is Lan Er-Gege, or why Qiu Chi is called Si Shao, one can find many fitting explanations in the novel.

T/N:

BLABLABLABLA is actually what appeared in MXTX’s response lol

Qiu Chi 秋迟 is the name of a character (not sure MC or ML) for her next novel, and Si Shao 四少 means fourth, or fourth child/youth ?

“Offering to the Gods ceremony” translation is taken from Sakhyulations translation! https://www.sakhyulations.com/novel/heaven-officials-blessing/chapter-1/ bless them uwu

Q22. Why did HC not have confidence in his looks?

Because he was always told he was ugly, a monster, etc as a kid, so there was a deep “I’m ugly” impression of himself. Later he started suspecting that “maybe I’m kind of good looking”. But before the person he likes the most, he would still instinctively be self-deprecating, and sometimes will wonder if he’s an ugly person.

Q24. Why did XL give himself the surname “Hua”? 

Because he likes flowers, and used to be called the Flower Crown Martial God. Also, in the initial character sketch, when XL was banished he became a flower god, in charge of flowers’ blooming and wilting.

T/N: The word for “wilt”, amazingly, is 花谢 “hua xie” which is HC’s surname + XL’s surname (!!!). Also is the fake name XL used in Banyue, and the surname he gave to HC in the amnesia extra.

Q27. When will edits be made on TGCF?

Edits have already started, and when they’re done they will all be added with an announcement. Because it’s a long process, and because JJ has inconvenient limits on edits, Iwon’t know when. Not sure if it’ll be before or after the fourth novel. Also will depend on novel adaptations (of prev novels) and how the fourth book goes.

Q28. Will there be more extras for TGCF?

I’ve been wanting to write a human realm commoner storybook, a collection of short fairytales.

BOOK 3 SPOILERS

Q15. Where was Hualian’s first time? Does Hua Chen know that Xie Lian made the first move in kissing him in Qiandeng temple?

Huangji temple in Taicang mountain! HC didn’t know at first, but later Huahua teased it out + closely interrogated it out of XL.

Q16. What was the last mural and the lying down sculpture of XL in Wanshengku (hundred thousand-gods temple)?

It was that you know. That.

T/N: papapapapapa

Q21. Why did HC always have bandages on his face as a child? Why did he fall from the building? Why was he always getting bullied but still physically very strong/healthy?

He was always beaten up because his right eye is red. Others thought it was scary, and his face had a lot of scars that had to be covered;

One day he was beaten up so much that he wanted to kill himself, and also he’s a very bratty and petty kid, so when he heard there’s going to be a Offering to the Gods ceremony -- which if went wrong will bring strife to the whole country -- he especially chose that day to ruin the ceremony. As in, “if I’m unlucky and having a hard time, I want this entire country to die with me”. But he ended up climbing up there saw his wife and was shook, so he forgot to kill himself. But because he wanted to see more clearly, wanted to be closer so badly, he accidently fell off. 

He is just very tenaciously surviving! He’s strong like XL, won’t die even after getting beaten up hundreds of times, and forever will be able to hold onto a last breath and crawl back up again to return, against fate.

Q23. What did Mu Qing say when he drove HC away?

MQ just speaks like that...like, you brat are not even useful to Taizi Dianxia, you’ll only weigh him down, the army doesn’t need trash like you, don’t think you actually have talent! etc. Also because in the army the youths’ death rate is actually quite high, so MQ didn’t think he was doing anything wrong in driving HC away.

BOOK 5 SPOILERS

Q25. So is Shi Qinxuan a human now? Will his hands and leg ever recover? If he reincarnated, would he still have a hard life? Is Shi Wudu really gone? What did Mo Shui take the water master’s head for? What did he say to Shi Qinxuan on Moshui island at the end?

SQX is human. He can’t recover, and he doesn’t want to. Heavenly Officials won’t reincarnate. SWD is gone for good. The head was used for an oblation. He didn’t say anything in the end, because SQX was very out of it, so even if he said something SQX wouldn’t be able to understand.

T/N: To refer to SWD MXTX uses 15° (15 degrees) because phonetically it sounds like SWD’s name.

[surejo]

( victoria pedretti, cis woman ) hey ! have you seen JOSEPHINE “JO” CORMAC around ? SHE works at the HOT COCOA STAND at big bear resort, but they must be off their shift by now. well, if you do see them can you let me know ? they’re 24 years old & they’ve been working here for TWO YEARS. they tend to be +OPTIMISTIC & +EMPATHETIC, but can also be -IMPRACTICAL & -PASSIVE. the other employees have labeled them THE IDEALIST. thanks a lot ! ( the few nights the stars can be seen, books worn down by dog-ears and marks left throughout the years, the first crisp breeze of autumn, the duality… of t.s. eliot ) 

OK. a few notes before i get started:

1) i hope everyone loves how i literally j copied my ivan stuff. url format? ‘sure jan’ lives on. theme? too lazy to find a different one that’s easy to work with. luv that for me. 2) speaking of this theme i forget if i addressed this on ivan’s blog but tabbed bullets don’t appear tabbed.... so if anything seems like it doesn’t make total sense.... it is supposed to be tabbed™. 3) get ready for drama!!!!! you may ask yourself “but the app looks so tame! there will be no drama!” but you are wrong........ because she loves cats. the t.s. eliot book......... the musical........ even the movie.

ok jo,, is also a resurrected character,,, hence how i already kno,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, that she loves cats. anyway ! let’s begin ! (listen,,,, the intro format will at least be a little different from ivan’s ok im evolving)

QUICK FACTS:

full name: josephine “jo” rose cormac

date of birth: march 6, 1995

*does not perfectly reflect the below big three zodiac chart because that’s too much math

zodiac big three: pisces sun, gemini moon, cancer rising

gender & pronouns: cis woman & she/her

sexual orientation: bisexual ( preference for women bc we luv that for her but we also luv leaving things open to chemistry )

education: bachelor in english - literature that she is doing nothing with

enneagram: 2w1

mbti: infp

various inspirations: eleanor crain ( the haunting of hill house ), dolores price *as a child and towards the end of the book ( she’s come undone ), fox 8 ( fox 8: a story ), “why try to change me now?” - fiona apple (cover), “be still” - the killers

BACKGROUND INFO:

triggers: verbal/mental/emotional abuse/gaslighting, very slight implication of spousal abuse, brief mention of car accident/death & drowning

( ivan and jo’s breakout pop-punk single: “fuck happy backstories!” stream it on spotify ! )

jo......... was born into the wrong family, let’s get that out of the way.

it was pretty clear she was a ploy to save the marriage of her parents ( who have names: lucy and benjamin, luv that for them ). it didn’t seem like they’d ever picked up a parenting book, gone to a parenting class, rly prepped for being a parent at all...... in their entire lives.

that being said, her mom was actually decent at parenting. her major flaw, though? ok, so you know how kids usually have that one bedtime story that they love and want it to be read to them over and over? well lucy complied ! but y’all wanna know what that book was ?

t.s. eliot’s “old possum’s book of practical cats” whfeiuldjkn

anyway ! when jo was seven, after many failed attempts and simple threats, her mom was finally divorcing benjamin for realz. due to his volatile nature, it was becoming very clear that she was the more fit parent and she almost got sole custody ( the only reason benjamin was motivated for it in the first place was the power so?? )! how exciting!

but the keyword is ‘almost’!

alexa, play ‘my heart will go on’ but the off-tune flute version

just as the proceedings were going through, jo’s mother was hit by a drunk driver on new year’s eve. the car skidded onto some ice, minimal damage done... then the ice broke.

jo and benjamin both devolved after that. jo withdrew more into herself and pretty much coped by..... just reading old possum’s a LOT (hate that for her). all mopey, benjamin became much less outwardly violent. the keyword is ‘outwardly.’

ya, instead of j bein like “i will just chill” he was like “i will just make my rage more subtle because in this house, we love intimidation, manipulation, hostility, the blame game, and gaslighting! uwu” managed to convince jo that her mother’s death was somehow her fault, that he was the only person she could trust, that she will never be able to live without someone else, etc., etc.

a few years in and a cycle of many impromptu sleepovers began. luv that for her. hate that for her, but luv that for her. 

there is a lot i cld talk abt here, but it all seems like it cld j be tl;dr’d as: “basically became the surrogate daughter of a bunch of other people”

as for things that r not tragique™, jo was v much a drifter when it came to friends. managed to make a fair amount bc she does not seem like she will put a tadpole in ur hand like ivan. also j a people-pleaser but that’s starting to get into her personality which is another section.

did go to college. luv that for her. has NO CLUE what she’s going to do with her degree, but she can make some really sick niche william faulkner jokes. 

began seasonally working at big bear during the winter break of her last year in college because bitch needed some money!! wound up loving it and was like “i think,,,, i will continue to do this,,,, the people here,,,, r cul,,,,”

still visits benjamin every once in a while. not a way to say that uwu you should forgive ur abusive parent(s) uwu rather that jo.... still has slight belief in him. just to end on something emo.

THE REST IS HISTORY!!!!

TL;DR:

started life out as a saddie, not a baddie. still not a baddie, but no longer as much of a saddie. loves “cats” and there is no irony to that statement. can make good niche literary jokes, but that’s about it.

PERSONALITY/MISCELLANEOUS INFO:

a child. a literal child. a child to the point that she should have supervision when she goes on grocery trips because she falls for marketing ploys so easily. can’t believe she hasn’t fallen into a pyramid scheme yet.

an absolute dumbass. again, can make some great niche william faulkner jokes, but ask her the order of the planets? “...well mars is somewhere in there.”

unironically LOVES cats - both the musical and movie. thinks jennifer hudson’s grizabella is the best. will start sharing random facts about it or old possum’s book of practical cats if she runs out of things to talk about but feels pressured to keep talking. was broken when she first read a different t.s. eliot poem and realized he was actually super dark. the only thing that got her through it was a comparison to batman :\ bruce wayne is old possum’s, batman is everything else.

to take a brief break from fun personality facts, v down on herself bc benjamin’s words rly!! stuck with her!! convinced she is an absolute idiot and does not trust her own memory. v indecisive bc of this and always longs for someone to help her figure things out. tries to distance herself from memories of her mother because, again, benjamin got to her. her love of cats doesn’t help that, but... can you believe that’s her coping mechanism? makes up for it by giving all of her love 2 everyone else!! we love tragedy!! and needing to go to therapy!!

secretly knows her love of cats is weird and dumb. a part of her knows why it’s considered one of the worst musicals ever. but LISTEN. we luv rly weird coping mechanisms!

big dreamer. will develop the most impractical goals. she usually knows they are impractical, but still..... uwu

has decided everyone is good until proven bad! except for,,,, like,,, murderers and rapists,,,,

is #StraightEdge for the most part,,,, literally has a drink maybe three times per year

says “like” a whole lot for someone who majored in english with a concentration in literature and should therefore be more eloquent.

i am not great at these sections!! feel free 2 j refer to her zodiac, personality tests, and character influences!!

literally fox 8. i put the others there bc she’s similar but wow,,,, if u read fox 8 (it’s a short story i recommend it i luv george saunders u can find a pdf online),,,, she is fox 8. 

here u go here is a sample that doesnt need context: "Fox 4 woslike: No ofense, Fox 8? Your ideas are not super praktikal. Dreem, dreem, dreem, said Fox 11. Fox 41 woslike: Fox 8, does this honestly never get old for you?"

OH ALSO. she has a slet. a cat,,,,, named asparagus,,,, whom she calls “gus”,,,,, and y’all know WHY.

recent development: has downloaded tor so she can get on the dark web. why? because she thinks there will be more funny animal videos on there. is shockingly good at navigating it.

CONNECTION IDEAS:

close friends bc we luv that –– roman (nuanced), aylie (nuanced), hazel (nuanced), cleo (nuanced), vic (nuanced), marco (nuanced)

childhood friends whom she possibly had impromptu sleepovers with bc that is v soft and,,,,, y’all i left the city blank for a reason. –– hazel, marco, 

on that note, the person who was like “wait,,,,,,, u know that book was turned into a musical right,,,,,, like,,,,, a musical literally everyone knows” and shook jo’s world

good influence / bad influence –– cleo, vic, 

~*confidant*~

roommate

exes –– ian,

reciprocated pining

unreciprocated pining

someone..... who has accepted..... that she likes cats.... in a way that is not ironic. will see the movie with her. –– aylie, 

an enemy,,,,,, aka this person was like “cats is literally the worst thing in the entire world” and now they r on jo’s very short hit list –– riley

idk!!! im also obvs up for brainstorming!!! luv that!!!

** descriptive connections page is here ( only people who i’m messaging are on it, but i ?? would love to plot w everyone ?? so don’t make the short list make u think i’m trying 2 limit it 2 these ppl auhfoeidla )

LIKE THIS OR HMU TO PLOT !

[rockybalfeatherboa]

More B&T headcanons

More hc

-Ted has his haircut bc he pretty much just showed the barber a picture of Dee Dee Ramone

-Bill can (casually) dress pretty well but ted is the one who usually needs,,,a lil help

-he gains a better sense of fashion after high school when he moves in with bill tho

-every time they drink together ted does this lil hip swivel fists up dance when he’s drunk and bill absolutely hates it

-bills mom used to be a bad ass biker gang chick w a lot of tattoos but now she’s in jail,,,she’s really sweet and bill and his dad go to visitation often (sometimes ted tags along and he’s always so excited!! To see !!! mama s. preston esquire !!!!)

-they only have like 2 classes together but they sit with each other at lunch

-they’re both passing English but uhh not too well in everything else

-they’re in and out of detention a lot only sometimes bc they won’t stop talking and giggling during class but mostly bc of tardies

-they have learned how to have basically entire conversations thru facial expressions

-Bill can forge his dad’s signature perfectly and as far as Eugene Preston Esq. knows nothing happens at school

-Ted has a B+ in chemistry bc he cheats his motherfuckin ASS off !!!

-ted loves his dad and capt. Logan loves ted but they just,,,,are very out of touch w each other.. Ted’s dad is super old fashioned (according to the cartoon he’s a republican yikes!) and doesn’t really understand Ted’s personality or the new hip times of San Dimas 1988.. i like to imagine their dynamic like Eric and Red Forman

-both bill and ted place heavy metal and rock as their #1 music taste but synth and gangsta rap come very close

-Bill almost knows an entire cheerleading routine from watching them when they practice

-Ted and Deacon are so cool as brothers they have sworn to never snitch on each other to their dad

-missy is not a dumb hoe!!! Or a gold digger or sugar baby!!!,,,she’s just a super hopeless romantic and falls in and out of love easily, and her charms make men wanna propose to her every one luvs missy she’s so good!!

-ok ppl will admit she’s a lil weird,,,but very cool as well 😎

-Ted had to keep taking the driving test over and over bc he keeps hitting the cones and the only reason he got he license is bc one instructor got so tired of him always bein in the DMV she just passed him anyway

-Bill and ted give each other DIY piercings all the time and the only ones that don’t close up are the ones in their ears and even those got infected (once)

-like for example bill tried to pierce Ted’s nose and they already had enough trouble trying to get the nose ring thru the hole (that was bleeding a lot), but then his body just kinda ,,rejected the (cheap) jewelry over time and the hole closed up in like 2 weeks

-Bill was able to hide his shoulder tattoo from his dad for about half a year before they took a trip to the water park and had to do some explaining real fucking quick

-Ted loves Van Halen and especially David lee Roth and one time got a Charlie horse from trying to do those high kick jumps

-Ted’s dad is the type of guy to stand up in his living room and salute when the national anthem plays on tv and ted and deacon think that shit is so corny

-Bills dad tries so hard to be the hip cool dad bill kinda thinks it’s embarrassing but he loves the freedom he gets

-Bill n ted tried to recruit ppl for Wyld Stallyns but not too many ppl at school were interested and Deacon wasn’t really either.. they weren’t too bummed out bc they have big dreams about getting Eddie Van Halen

-Ted will only let go of a hug if u let go first

-Bill has a major crush on Christina Applegate as Kelly Bundy and pretty much only watches the show for her

-At deacon’s baseball games Capt. Logan is pretty quiet until something good happens then he stands up and goes “thaT’S MY SON!!!!! THATS MY SON!!!!! “

-he gets uncomfortable when ted tried to hug him (bc of old fashioned values about guys hugging and toxic masculinity) but he lets it happen,, ted goes all in while Capt. Logan gives a half hearted hug back but ted is oblivious to this

-Bill has glasses but doesn’t wear em bc his vision isn’t *that* bad but he pulls em out whenever he needs to read a sign from super far way

-before they settled on “Wyld Stallyns” bill and ted have considered the following: Rat Piss (with drawn logo provided by bill of a hand squeezing the piss out of a rat), Silk Angel, Jayne Mansfield’s Head, and Loins o’ Fire,,,,they wanted to be Van Halen so fucking bad

-Deacon jokingly suggested “The Brothers Bonehead” but they were just like shut up Deacon

-Ted could (and absolutely will!) inhale an entire jar of pickles

-same thing for bill but except with Kings Hawaiian bread rolls (were those a thing in the 80s-90s?? ah who cares)

-they’re both ticklish but especially Bill !!!!!

-every Christmas is just a battle of “idk dude what do YOU want?”

-whenever bill gets nervous her gets a slight lisp it’s kinda like the S sounds as a “thzhz” sound but it’s very very unnoticeable unless ur really listening

-Ted’s laugh is the purest sound to touch ur ears,,,heart emoji

-and bill has a lovely singing voice it’s so clear and deep and so nice ted and everyone loves it

-Ted wears a bandana sometimes,,he looks cute ,, just putting that out there

-also ted used to love dinosaurs and reading about them ,, he still does but just doesn’t read about them as much anymore but his love for dinos is still 💯

[debbiewilder]

Do you think Debbie has already forgiven Ruth and is just acting tough or do you think she’s still angry at Ruth? Also do you think the writers are even aware that fans want them together/do you think the writers are heading in that direction ever or are they just clueless?

You like GLOW now?? Whah…ok, well, I’ll answer your questions. But, there’s a lot to unpack when you ask about Debbie’s anger……

Debbie is very, very afraid of getting her heart broken again. All the anger etc is there to protect herself. She desperately wants to stay afloat and stay in one piece, and she wants to just be mad at Ruth (because that’s safe and empowers her over the person that hurt her and who could hurt her again if she was vulnerable with once more) but cracks keep showing through and she can’t seem to stay away because she cares too much, because Ruth is one of the only people she truly cares about. Suffering around her is better than the alternative, and working through it by wrestling with Ruth, too..it becomes therapeutic in ways…

She wants to push Ruth away and needs to pull her closer and that’s what defines not only this character’s arc but also the story’s arc..how to bridge this and how Debbie can find a way to her need. In the end, I think it’s all beyond this question of y/n forgiveness because the anger is so tied to the deep need Debbie has for Ruth that she can’t shake, so I don’t think it’ll ever be like yup, check, forgiven you.

This also relates to one of many reasons why this show is genius: in a fucked up way, Debbie’s struggle fits perfectly with wrestling–forced intimacy, forced closeness but also forced fighting and release of anger…like what a great catharsis for Debbie and Ruth since it directly relates to the internal struggles they are dealing with (so the interior journey fits perfectly with the external one). What a great way to force Debbie to contend with her relationship–forced to touch the person she’s supposed to hate (because look at what Ruth did) but can’t find it in herself to actually hate, forced to pretend to hate this evil soviet person in front of the audience while simultaneously finding intimacy and trust in the in between spaces that belong only to the two of them.

Wrestling is also perfect for these characters, and specifically Debbie, because it constantly forces characters to, like Sam put..um, idk exact wording ok but they wrestle with their own stereotypes on the show. And, Debbie does that throughout. I mean, in ways Debbie wants to just be seen as an angry diva now, she’s playing a role not only for others (because she doesn’t want others to see who she really is underneath, beyond that wronged woman, that indefinable, broken person who isn’t a success at all like Ruth and others perceive) but also for herself–because she can’t deal with asking herself who the fuck she is any more–what is her identity at this point? She’s been stripped of these words that made her feel comfortable and safe: housewife and wife and even friend. And, anger is her new anchor that seems empowering and safe and simple. But, Ruth can see the vulnerability hidden behind that anger. These two see each other. Beyond their roles. That’s why Debbie is so adroit at hurting Ruth..she sees Ruth and knows how to hurt her, and this all makes Debbie feel safe, and it’s really because Debbie is scared shitless of how much she cares.

Oh nooo, this is getting long, adding a read more link…

Well, going back to roles, in the hospital, when Ruth says that Debbie was miserable before (as housewife, as Mark’s wife) and then calls bullshit when Debbie tries to say she was happy, this is what leads Debbie to leave. She can’t deal with someone seeing through her facade. It all seems ridiculous now. For many reasons. For one, she tried to sell this housewife life to Ruth like she was in a commercial for it, and meanwhile Debbie knows now that Ruth saw she wasn’t happy but played along for Debbie’s benefit. There’s also the layer Ruth not only destroyed Debbie’s past identity as housewife by fucking Mark, but also in this moment in the hospital by destroying the idea of this role in Debbie’s head, the idea that Debbie was happy in it to begin with so Ruth destroys this past identity in other ways for Debbie and this shifts the definition of Ruth’s betrayal. There’s a lot to unpack with this moment…it all goes to the secrets Debbie tries to keep from others and herself–how she uses anger and these roles to protect herself….anyway, I doubt Debbie’s ever consciously, truly knew she was miserable with Mark, so I think it’s a shock to her as well to hear she was and realize Ruth’s words are true. I think she fed off of believing she was happy in the stereotype that she believed she was meant for her and was fine justifying it and selling it. I think Debbie is fine with being pretty miserable as long as others (and herself) don’t get to know who she really is beyond whatever role she feels safe inhabiting. And, Ruth, the person who broke her heart, seeing her unhappiness and vulnerability beyond even what Debbie could see in her own life? Debbie not in control of this situation and how she’s being perceived? Nope.

(Like, girl is so fucked up, she can’t even say sorry for breaking Ruth’s ankle. It reveals too much and opens herself up too much. All she can do is write it on the cast. )

If Debbie was really done with Ruth, really just pure rageTM, she would’ve told her mom what Ruth did (and stayed tf away from her). It’s a lot harder to come back to a friendship once your family knows. But, she didn’t. Because she cares much more than she would dare let on.

I think the writers are aware of the fan base and are either baiting ruth x debbie or are building the pairing BUT I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT OK BECAUSE IT MAKES ME SAD AT THE PROSPECT THAT THE WRITERS DON’T WANT THEM TO BE IN LOVE DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY ARE IN LOVE LIKE LET THEM BE THEMSELVES WHICH MEANS LOVING EACH OTHER A WHOLE LOT BECAUSE UNDERNEATH THAT HATE AND ANGER IS A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE AND IT’S SO EASY TO SEE IT AND IT DOESN’T SEEM LIKE JUST FRIENDSHIP AT ALL IN ANY WAY OK..um, anyway, it’s hard to tell what’s going to happen because I think there was a lot in Season 2 that is so sloppy in structure…idek man because I don’t really know what story they’re trying to tell if I look at the “woods” or whatever of that season (there are a lot of nice trees, and I can squint and see something that I find meaning in but as a whole it’s a lot rougher than season 1 structure wise, which is all to say who the fuck knows ahhhhhh).

There’s a lot that points to them ending up together (Debbie, who doesn’t get to know anyone and is only close w Ruth, saying sex is only good w someone you really know, the lingering looks that last half of each episode, asking for permission to date someone else, not being ok with the other having a relationship, not telling her mom about Ruth’s shitty behavior, the fact that she can’t seem to stay away, etc etc etc) but there’s stuff that points to them not getting together I guess idk I don’t want to think about that…Well, I can for sure say the story would be better if they chose to explore their relationship because the will they won’t they for a friendship would be great for a show, yes. But, if the writers think THIS relationship is a friendship??? Dude, that means these writers have legit NEVER had friends. I don’t just stare longingly at my friends. I don’t ask friends for permission to date from a bud. I don’t sabotage my friend dating someone else or stare as my bud talks to a potential love interest etc etc I mean, basic filmic devices show that these two are in love whether the show runners realize they’re using them or not. Kuleshov effect (2 shots juxtaposed create new meaning): shot of Debbie looking longingly juxtaposed w shot of Ruth w Russell over and over. They chose to edit it this way and it all points out that Debbie is jealous and wants Ruth. You don’t go to the effort of editing and framing this stuff this way unless you want to suggest that. Or the longing looks, the fact that this takes up so much real estate of the show’s running time. Or that Debbie stands right in the middle in the frame between Ruth and Russell in a shot, suggesting she is coming between them…But, if the writers want to pretend they’re just friends….well, the story in all their visual / editing details doesn’t suggest this so why not follow through on the story you’re actually telling because it’s so compelling?

And to conclude this longgg reply, I’ll sum up with this: ppl pls stop hating on Debbie because she just wants to feel safe and only lashes out bc she’s trying to stop herself from drowning :(

[hethrewmyheartinthecut]

Ten Things • Alfie x Reader

This is the part where you’re supposed to blush for the stain on your dress, the teacake at four in the afternoon, the state of your hair, eavesdropping, or looking at him. Or all of the above. But your mind has ascended to such a state of fucklessness that you merely cock an eyebrow at him.

He breaks out into a crooked smile of surprise. It’s not so bad to look at, and it reminds you that you are, in fact, a creature with particular interests, even if work lately has restricted those interests to your imagination and your own two hands.

@alfiesolcmons​ said: 

What up my names Vanessa, and I never fuckin learned how to read. lol jk. ok I'm 5'3" , relatively curvy, i like books and eating to much food (bread is delicious, just carbs ok). Kinda quiet most of thw time unless the subject which ppl are talking about is something I'm interested in, in that case I'm screaming from the rooftops. I'm Alfie trash and I like beards.

So I took those qualities, added my own innate bitchiness, and voila! Here she is, all 8762 words of her. 

Warning: this thing is a mess start to finish, but at least parts of it are fun?

I. Exhaustion Teacake It’s been a long, long day, and your students have been particularly heinous; Jimmy Westin kept trying to take a cookie from little Maisie Fletcher during lunch, and when you stopped him, he chucked a chunk of ham at you. Now you’re walking home, lugging a bag full of schoolwork to grade, with a brownish stain on your cardigan that looks quite a lot like dried blood.

Fuck it. Fuck it, you’ll take the shortcut.

You’ve been told by more than one person not to venture through the heart of Camden Town, but frankly you can’t tell how much of that is real and how much of that is just people hating Jews. And also, you’re tired as fuck. Even if you do get mugged, it might be nice. Being hit over the head would be the perfect excuse to just lie quietly on the sidewalk for an hour or so.

It is when you’re almost out of Camden Town, sweating slightly and at your absolute weakest, when the smell hits you. Intense, almost sweet, it’s unmistakably the smell of fresh bread wafting out the propped-open door of a bakery. You squint up at it; from the striped green-and-white awning to the gold lettering on the windows, it seems almost a little too good to be true, like someone wandered into your heart’s desires and plopped this shop down in front of you for the express purpose of making you miserable.

Dinner’s in three or four hours. And you’ve been saving up for a new dress, because your favorite red one has been slowly turning pink after being washed so many times. But, fucking hell. You inhale deeply.

You go in. The boy at the front notices the stain on your blouse, but says nothing. You, in turn, eye a long loaf with a crust that looks like it’d give you a proper crunch. There’s also another one, darker and faintly shiny, that looks like it’s been braided. Ultimately, you settle on a beautifully iced teacake and pay up.

There’s no tables or chairs anywhere, just a long counter, but you think of the distance remaining to your flat, you breathe in that sweet air, and fuck it. Standing in one corner of the shop, bag on your arm, you tear off a piece and begin to eat, mentally daring the boy to make any kind of eye contact with you. He does not.

Through the door in the back, muffled voices become clearer, as if from men ascending or descending stairs. They’re speaking a language you don’t know (Yiddish? probably?), and arguing, one defensive, one very, very aggressive. Mind half-fogged with pure bready bliss, half-curious, you peek into the open door that leads into the back of the bakery and see two men, one unspeakably enormous, dark-haired one, and one bearlike man made half of beard and half of rage. Halfway through barking something that sounds like an order, the bearlike one glances out at the shop beyond and makes direct eye contact with you.

This is the part where you’re supposed to blush for the stain on your dress, the teacake at four in the afternoon, the state of your hair, eavesdropping, or looking at him. Or all of the above. But your mind has ascended to such a state of fucklessness that you merely cock an eyebrow at him.

He breaks out into a crooked smile of surprise. It’s not so bad to look at, and it reminds you that you are, in fact, a creature with particular interests, even if work lately has restricted those interests to your imagination and your own two hands.

Then the bearlike man barks an order, and the boy at the front hurries to close the door between the back rooms of the bakery and the front of the shop. You shrug. Almost done with the teacake anyway.

II. Trouble-

Once a week is reasonable, right? It seems reasonable. At any rate, the two people most often manning the front, the curly-haired boy from before and his extremely talkative mother, soon learn your name, and you theirs (Ezra and Judith, respectively), and there’s a pleasant if mildly embarrassing familiarity in that. You come to anticipate the divine, doughy smell and your little corner in the bakery with great pleasure, knowing that it’s the one moment in your day that will likely be silent, free from students or flatmates; even the chatty Judith seems to understand, and lets you stand and eat in peace.

The man’s there too, though rarely. Maybe once every three weeks. You watch him, and sometimes he catches you at it, but he doesn’t seem to mind. You catch Judith talking to him animatedly one day, and venture to ask his name. There can’t be much harm in a name. Castles in the air are for yourself and yourself only, right? Anyway, his name is Alfie, which doesn’t appear to suit his usual growling demeanor much, but pairs decently enough with his guffaws. He gives you something to think about that isn’t the news, or your family, or your flatmates, or your students, and though he’s rarely speaking English, his animated ways give you plenty of entertainment. He’s like a walking, talking dime novel with that swagger. And he’s free, or at least comes free with the pastries and bread.

And the beard’s not bad.

This goes on for a few months, and he still doesn’t know your name but that probably doesn’t matter. There’s a golden moment that more than makes up for it, when you look up from your bread and he’s perfectly framed in the doorway, vest unbuttoned, white shirt sleeves rolled up to the elbow, kneading the dough. You decide the heat’s not so bad if it’s making him sweat. You decide this is almost certainly a trap set by some kind of fiend. (Gods you don’t believe in, but little assholes with the power and will to fuck with you seem pretty reasonable.) You decide you’re not going to look away.

He looks up at you, and you don’t move. He looks back down, and gets on with it. But for the next ten minutes or so, he stays in full view, and you don’t stop looking, and poor Ezra keeps his own eyes glued to the newspaper at hand.

As soon as you get home that night, you start to make inquiries. Out of the five girls that you have crammed into one flat, you get lucky with Letty, whose mother is Jewish.

“Do you know an Alfie?”

“Alfie what?”

“I don’t know. He works at this bakery in Camden Town, built like a barrel.”

“Jesus Christ, Vanessa.”

“What?”

“I knew you’d get after a man eventually. Tessa told me it’s been two years since the last, but him?”

Only two weeks ago, your principal threatened to fire you for not being able to handle the workload, even though your workload has doubled since Ms. Spinelli suddenly quit. So yeah, you went behind the school and drowned the very last fuck you had to give in the river. Her reaction only has you amused. “What’s the problem? He’s not married. Did he kill his wife?”

“Not quite.”

“He’s got the clap? He votes Tory?”

“No.”

“Then what?”

“I wouldn’t call him a gangster,” she concedes, “but he runs around with that type. He’s killed a man. And everyone knows the bakery’s not really a bakery.”

“Isn’t it? The bread there tastes a lot like bread.”

“It’s a front for something.”

“Mm.” Alright, so now he really is straight out of a dime novel, and you’ve got more fodder with which to entertain yourself. What could one do in a fake bakery? Forge money?

“Oi. Vane.”

“What?” You look over. “Oh, you thought that was going to scare me off him?”

“Doesn’t look like I succeeded.”

“Nah.”

You can feel her reassessing you, and obligingly pull a lazy smile.

“Quiet girls have the most surprises, huh,” she says after a second.

You shrug. “You know where I come from?”

“Orphanage, same as the rest of us.”

“Yeah, but when I turned fifteen, they sent me to the Stoker place. You know what they say about Stoker’s?”

“I’ve heard it’s got a reputation.”

“Stoker’s was for the troublemakers and the troublefuckers.”

“Am I supposed to guess which one you were?”

You smile.

III. Cocktail (The Wrong Kind)

They hire a new teacher. Ms. Solokov, and as you walk home that day, you feel a sense of relief mixed with trepidation.

Truth is, you love your students, the grimy, shouty little assholes, because they give you so much trouble. You wouldn’t know what the fuck to do with a simple, quiet life; you feed off the chaos, on trying to control it, most of the time, wrangling all of them into learning whether they like it or not.

You’re tired of looking and feeling like a wreck, of course, but with things much tamer, you’re starting to worry about the boredom. Your off days have gotten significantly less entertaining since Tessa got married; she no longer drags you to hip spots around town, and you try (and fail) to not resent Craig for that. Anyways. It’s looking like a boring weekend.

This particular Friday, you have a simple roll, not even toasted, not even with butter. You tear tiny pieces off it and savor the taste as it melts on your tongue. Alfie’s in the back, but you only caught a glimpse of him once, so he’s probably down in the basement, so you turn your imagination to the people outside, making up increasingly ridiculous or tragic stories to explain the baby in that pram (dead mother! Horrible rich father! Will certainly become a bratty heiress!) or that newspaper-throwing boy (destined to become a great writer! Cut down too soon in a foreign war!) or that tall, angry-looking fellow in the long coat (secretly a terrible husband! Soon to be brought down by his crafty wife!) until the tall fellow stops and pulls a bottle out of his coat.

And that’s not too out of the ordinary (a man? Drinking? gasp.) but then you see he’s stuffing something in the bottle, and then out come a lighter and oh shit, that’s a rag about to be lit.

“Oi!” you bellow, because there’s no time to do anything, and Judith ducks down behind the counter as you huddle in your corner, wishing you had something more solid than a dinner roll to chuck back. Fuck there’s a lot of wood in here.

Then it gets worse. The man takes out a revolver and shoots twice, shattering the large windows in a spray of glass, then cocks back his arm, the Molotov cocktail ready to go. Then a third shot blasts through the air, and red blossoms through his gray coat, and he crumples to the ground. The bottle shatters on impact, splashing oil all over him. The rag catches him on fire, and he spends his last minute on earth very noisily.

You’re distracted from the blackening corpse by a yelp. It’s Judith, dismayed, darting into the backroom past Alfie, who’s standing there gun in hand. You know you’re supposed to be scared, but it’s not a bad image, white shirt open at the throat and all. He looks at you. You take a bite and chew slowly. You don’t look away.

You’d be happy to stand there forever, but unfortunately that was your last bite, and. Well.

“Guess I ought to go before the police arrive?” you say.

“Aw, the police don’t care about Camden Town.”

“You seem to manage well enough without them.”

There’s a flash of that crooked grin again. Then he comes around the back of the counter towards you, walking carefully, big boots crunching over the glass. He offers you his hand, the same hand, you can’t help but notice, that held the gun. You take it.

This whole delicate-damsel thing would work a lot better if you had worn some fucking heels, but your walk to work is considerably too long for that nonsense, so instead it’s the crunch crunch of flats over glass. You use him for support even though you don’t need to. His hands are rough and you’d like to know where the calluses come from. You wouldn’t mind feeling them a bit more.

He walks you over the glass, to the door. A few gawkers have begun to cluster in the windows of the dress shop opposite. There’s no more glass, so you relinquish his hand.

If this is a dime novel, you’ll play the cowboy if you want to. And you want to, even if you haven’t got a gun. You know the right lines for the damsel--gratitude, mostly--and they’re fucking boring.

“Till next week, Alfie,” you say, and you leave before he can answer.

You don’t know if he’s watching you go. You hope he is, but you’re feeling pretty pleased either way.

IV. Style/Busy

Now that your workload has lessened, you’ve got the time to spare to, oh, not just dunk yourself in a tub of water and scrub like mad before you pass out on your bed atop still-wet hair. No, you’ve got time to use those curlers. Time to slip a tube of lipstick in your purse. Time to take your savings and get that new dress for yourself, a sensible choice, blue printed with tiny flowers, fake pearl buttons for a touch of, oh, don’t call it class, but maybe style. (You know it flatters the curve of your ass, too. There’s that.)

The shoes. The shoes are a mistake, and you know it even when you’re putting them on, but damn if those delicate heels don’t make your legs look good. You know they make your legs look good.

By the time you make it to the shop that Friday, your toes are pinched all to hell, but you lean into the pain and order yourself an iced bun, telling yourself that the sugar will make up for it. You eat it slow, so slow, and he doesn’t show up; there’s not the slightest flicker of movement in the backroom, and it’s fucking disappointing. You take to eating about a bite a minute. Tiny, tiny bites. You won’t buy anything else to eat; there’s no dignity in that. But if you can just make this one stretch out for--

A car screeches to a halt in the street outside, and you press yourself into the corner as Judith runs into the backroom. Not again. But no, it’s him, jumping out the driver’s side door and walking fast to the door, his white shirt crimsoned by a gash in his shoulder. He barges through the door and pulls up short at the sight of you. Maybe, maybe it was an offense that he forgot about you for a moment, but the look on his face more than makes up for it. Yeah, there’s a considerable distance between your limp-haired, shit-dressed look and your red-lipped, heel-sporting look. You know you look a proper fashion plate. You know he’d like a look underneath the blue.

You raise an eyebrow.

He starts, remembers there are other things he needs. Fumbles for the words.

“I take it you’re busy?” you prompt.

“You could say that.”

He’s dripping blood on the floor, and there’s a pleasure in the fact you don’t have to give a damn about it. He’s no child that needs to be told to sit down and get bandaged up. He’s a man, and if he’s going to run round wounded, that’s his goddamn choice.

“Go on, then,” you say.

He disappears into the backroom, thunders down the stairs, and emerges minutes later carrying a long black box rather like a violin case, except rectangular and far, far too long to be for a violin.

You watch the car careen away, and then you call to Judith, “It’s fine!” Shoving the rest of the bun in your mouth, you chew with gusto and begin your walk home.

Next week, you wear a softer lipstick and ditch the heels, but the hair’s the same and so is the dress. A little effort’s fine. The blackberry scone is sublime. And then, no matter how slow you eat, he doesn’t fucking show.

“He is alive, isn’t he?” you say to Judith.

“Yes, dear.” Bless her, she doesn’t judge you a whit, just says it and gets back to the paperwork she likes to do during slow hours.

“Thanks, Judith.”

V. Good People

The next time you go, you wear what you want: the cute dress, the aggressive lipstick, flat shoes. The newspaper was interesting that morning so you didn’t bother with the hair. You’ve got no expectations, and things are a little lighter that way, albeit a little less exciting.

Due to an extended all-school meeting, you’re dreadfully late and the place is jam-packed, but that doesn’t matter. The shop turns up a delightful surprise for you: a man named Moshe, just a year younger than you, who was trained as a teacher at the exact same time. Who incidentally you couldn’t marry for the same reason you’ve never been able to marry, namely that you’ve never wanted to. But it’s still good to see him again.

All through the line, you talk about your respective schools, and end up hotly debating pedagogical methods, the relative psychological merits of penalties and rewards. Somehow that slips into the relatively modern history of English schools and the influx of lascars and freedmen and loops right back around to the balance of power between the teacher and the parent and then you get a beautiful spot where you’re the only one that can talk because Moshe’s busy ordering two loaves and then you’re so invigorated that you get a small loaf that’s still larger than both your fists put together and far too large for one sitting. And then the two of you huddle in the corner and dip into the ethics of bodily autonomy and you know you’re gabbling like an idiot but fuck it’s been a long time and you’ve missed all this arguing--

“Y’know, me,” rumbles a voice behind you, “I vouch for a smack upside the ‘ead. Is that not an option on the table? Because it should be.”

Alfie slides into the conversation, much too close, and on the wrong side. That is, he leans into Moshe’s personal space, and the poor man blanches.

“Mr. Solomons!” He fumbles with his bags in order to get his right hand free, then offers it. “We so appreciated your, ah, your actions regarding the school redistricting. Truly. A disaster averted.”

Alfie shakes his hand too hard and for too long and you’re on the verge of rolling his eyes.

“He’s just getting a couple loaves for his family,” you say. “Wife and three children. We trained together.”

“Oh, do you know Vanessa?” says Moshe, smiling anxiously, shaking out his hand by his side.

“Vanessa? No.”

“Oh.”

But the both of you are looking at each other, you in faint exasperation and Alfie in an irritating mask of benevolence, so Moshe adds, “I should get home, there’s a list of groceries as long as my arm that I still have to pick up. Good seeing you again, Vanessa, very good seeing you, Mr. Solomons.” Then he slips out the door.

Behind you, the rush of the day has petered out to just a couple customers and Judith. It’s few enough for you to talk properly.

“He was nice,” you say. “And he’s a good man, which is rarer. You shouldn’t scare off good people.” Even if they’re good people that you have indeed fucked, thank you very much.

He gives you one of those shit-eating grins. “If they’re good people, they’ve got no reason to be scared of me, innit”

“We both know that’s not true.”

“Mmh.” There goes one of those undefinable sounds whose meaning is lost in his beard. You choose to take it as a grunt of concession. Then: “Do you always talk that much?”

You shrug. Judith, without looking up from the change she’s counting out, says, “No, she doesn’t.”

You have to stifle a smirk at that. So much for the appearance of a private conversation. If Judith knows, the whole neighborhood knows, but it’s not your neighborhood and you can’t bring yourself to care.

“Do you bake?” he says abruptly.

“Would I be here if I did?”

“Would you like to learn?” he says, sardonic and a little slow.

“What would it cost me?”

“Oh, whatever you can spare.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

VI. Fast/Slow

The sun has just set as you make your way to the shop. There’s not many people around; most are finishing up dinner with their families. The shop has been closed for about an hour now, but the backroom is lit and when you try the door, you find it unlocked. You lock it after you.

The backroom much larger than you previously thought, a cavernous space complete with what seems like miles of countertop. Alfie’s in a chair in the back, heels up on a table, reading the finance section of the newspaper and smoking a cigarette. When you come in, he chucks the cigarette in the ashtray and gets to his feet.

“Vanessa!” he cries. Then he stops short. “Did you bring a gun?”

“No.” You hand over your purse to prove it. “Are you disappointed?”

“Very fuckin’ disappointed.”

“Then get me one yourself. I don’t have new-gun money.” You reach over, pick up the cigarette, and have a puff. It’s an old vice of yours, not one you indulge often. But tonight’s a night for vice, clearly.

“You have teacake money.”

“I have my priorities in order.”

Up close and in private, you’ve got the ability to try and figure out whether his eyes are green or blue. So you do. Green, you decide, and then you sweep your eyes over the rest of him.

“Go on and bake,” you say. “I’ll watch.”

“What ‘appened to student participation?”

“I imagine that’ll come later on.”

You perch on one long countertop, smoking and swinging your heels, as he begins measuring and mixing the dry ingredients. Well. You say measuring, but he’s mostly eyeballing it.

“So you’re a teacher, eh?” he says.

“Yes. Do you want to be taught?”

“Tell me about the Italians.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Everything in the last twenty years. Politics, culture, London immigration history.”

It is flattering that he thinks you know all that. And you do know all that, having taken particular interest in modern immigration, but there’s just one thing.

“Are people going to die?” you say.

Halfway through cracking an egg, he looks up. “People die every day, Vanessa.”

“Are Italians going to die?”

“Italians are people, stands to fuckin’ reason.”

“Three of my students are Italian.”

“Any kid young enough to be your student probably has at least another thirty years on ‘em.”

You consider this. “All right, I think you’ll be most interested in the Sicilians…”

And you’re off to the races. You talk through the ingredients mixing, you talk through the dough getting kneaded (your favorite part), and then he puts it in a bowl and you’re still talking and--

“Doesn’t that lot go in the oven?” you interrupt yourself.

“I thought you were fucking with me when you said you didn’t know how to bake.”

“Well, surprise.”

“It needs to rise.”

“Needs to what now?”

“It’s going to grow until it’s twice the size it is now.”

“Shit, I didn’t know baking was interesting.”

“Yeah?” He scratches his jaw with a couple beringed fingers. “You’ve seemed pretty interested.”

“Come here,” you say, and he does. “How long does it take to rise, do you think?”

“Half an hour, forty-five minutes.”

“I can think of some ways to pass the time.” You spread your legs a few inches.

He grins, and settles himself between them, the fabric of his work trousers rough against the insides of your thighs, the metal of his rings cold on your knees, his right thumb tracing tiny circles on your left leg, warm. “You’re a fast little thing, aren’t you?”

“Little, maybe. A thing, no. And Alfie?”

“Mmh?”

Hooking your thumbs in his belt loops, you grasp his hips and pull him forward till he’s flush against you, your heels tucking him in closer. “Nothing about this has been fast. I’ve been wanting you inside me for four months now, and you’ve wanted the same for nearly as long. Four months of thinking about it, and nothing stopping you, four months of wondering what you’re going to taste like, four months of only my own fingers and a--”

He kisses you hard and you smile your victory into it till the smile melts under heat, his hands rucking up your skirt, yours frantic at his belt buckle, hips rolling and words vanishing till his rings clatter off onto the countertop, he slips a hand into your panties, and the kiss suddenly ends.

The expression on his face, the surprise there, followed by gratification? Delicious. He brings his fingers up to his mouth to taste, and that’s a sight, isn’t it? He must know it is, because you catch a glimpse of pink tongue, and that was entirely unnecessary for the purpose.

“You did that,” you admit to him. “Don’t get--” Your fingers dig into his shoulders when you feel him pressing into you. “--fucking arrogant about it.”

“Too late,” he murmurs, and then his mouth is on your throat and his fingers stretch slow and perhaps there’s a rebuttal to that but you can’t be bothered to think of it when you can run your hands through his hair instead.

He fucks you like you expected, hard and fast, the edge of the counter cutting into your thighs, the stretch in your cunt more than worth it, and his mouth travelling everywhere, an unexpected bonus. It’s good and then it’s too good to be true, because despite your best attempts at clinging, he pulls away.

Now it’s his turn to enjoy the expression on your face, but then, there are options here. You have options.

“I’ll do it myself,” you say, and sure enough one finger slides in easy, then two, and you know yourself, know just how to crook your fingers and find the right spot and he’s drinking in the sight like a man in a desert but before you can hit a proper rhythm, his hand closes over your wrist.

You make a desperate sound down low in a part of your throat you didn’t even know was capable of making noise. “There are easier ways to make me fight you.” Your voice is ragged to your own ears.

“If nothing about this has been fast, with half an hour left, why start now? I can take care of you. Are you going to let me?”

You rest your head against the wall, taking in the sweat-soaked sight of him. You’re tempted to just pull him in, knowing you could persuade him in two seconds to fuck you again. He’s good at bluffing, but his cock’s more than enough evidence of impatience.

Curiosity has always been your weakness, though, and he’s not specified how he wants to take care of you.

“Yes,” you say.

He kneels.

The insides of your thighs are red. You’re going to have beard burn there for a couple days. It’s worth it.

VII. Lend Me Your Rear

He shows up at your front door, which is a mistake. Not one he could’ve known, because you haven’t talked to him about your flatmates yet, but still a mistake.

You don’t bother asking how he got your address.

“What can I do for you?” you say.

A wolfish smile spreads across his face. “I was thinking--”

You open the door much wider, revealing your roommates, four other women, listening in unabashedly. Letty waves.

He waves back.

“I, ah, got you a book,” he says.

“Really.”

But he has. It’s packaged in brown paper, but you can feel that it’s a thick hardback.

“The Bible? That’s very sweet of you,” you say.

“Right.” He reaches to take it back, but you’re too quick.

“I’ll open it later.”

“When?”

“When you drive me to your flat, in about two minutes. Let me get my purse.”

He doesn’t look particularly happy with that, but he can’t object, can he? Not when he’s already butted into your place.

His flat is odd, clearly not meant for visitors, small and very full, with two bookshelves and a massive bin holding a ridiculous number of unwashed clothes, plus six apples on the kitchen table for no apparent reason.

You gesture at the shelves. “What’s all this?”

He shrugs. “Got a taste for it in prison. Quakers used to donate old shit, and I was bored.”

“Are you still bored?”

“Sometimes.”

You move a pile of paperwork from a chair to the floor, then sit down and start tearing at the brown paper packaging.

“Volumes one and two of Gibbons’s The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.” You look up. “Not quite what I was expecting.”

“What were you expecting?”

“The Kama Sutra?”

He laughs. “I have that around here somewhere.”

“Save it for a rainy day.” You trace the edge of the cover with one finger, then flip it open to a random page and begin to read. “The troops fought like men interested in the decision of the quarrel; and as military spirit and party zeal were strongly diffused throughout the whole community, a vanquished chief was immediately supplied with new adherents, eager to shed their blood in the same cause.” You look up and grin.

“Wot?”

“The Italian information wasn’t just because Italians are going to die. You get off on this, don’t you.”

“Is it so unusual to want someone with a full head?”

“As opposed to an empty one? No, not unusual. But gratifying.”

“How gratifying?”

“Come over and find out.”

It’s nice to finally fuck on a bed for once. Afterwards, you drape yourself across his back, tracing the scars there.

“You’re Shakespeare, you know that?” he says.

“Yeah?”

“Though she be but little--”

You bite his shoulder.

“It was a compliment!” he protests.

“She is fierce? I know.” You press your lips to the bitten skin. “It was a thank-you. I’m fond of Beatrice.”

He checks it over. Sure enough, you didn’t break skin, but there are marks on him now. He makes a face.

“If I knew you were so delicate…”

You both laugh.

“You remind me of Shakespeare too,” you say.

“Yeah?”

“You want to guess?”

“I am a Jew.”

“I’m aware, Alfie.”

He grunts; you grin. “I take it that The Merchant of Venice was one of the old things donated?”

He nods.

“Go on, then.”

“I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions?” At first, he starts lightly, trying to inject irony in his voice, distance, but it doesn’t work; the rhythm of the words carries him along. “Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer as a Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed?” You can see, now, why Moshe called him Mr. Solomons and not Alfie; why he seems able to command the entire neighborhood. You see where the ability to ignore his own spilled blood comes from.

The rest of the speech is one long exercise in seeing how low his voice can go, and at the very last line, he strokes your cheek, tender like he’s never been, a menace in it that makes your mouth go dry.

“The villainy you teach me I will execute,” he murmurs, “And it shall go hard, but I will better the instruction.”

You didn’t think that you could be surprised by wanting him in any kind of way again, but here you are, thighs still sticky from the last time and you want him, you want him, you want him. And you take him, giving what you received, bruising but also, also. Taking note when he trembles.

Later, when you’re so worn-out you won’t even lift your head to talk, you say, “You didn’t guess right.”

The truth is, you were thinking about the time a teacher asked for an analysis of Marc Antony’s famous speech and you ended up wanting to fuck him. The ambition, the skill, the bloodlust underneath it all, the wrenching sobs in front of a crowd, flash of white teeth grinning victory in private--yeah, you could ride that ancient motherfucker. Alfie’s not at that level of duplicity, but he’s got the same charisma, the same savagery underneath.

“What was it, then?” he says.

His ego is healthy enough already; it doesn’t need feeding.

“Exeunt, pursued by a bear.”

VIII. A Problem

“You know what? There should be a problem by now,” he declares.

“Mm?” You lean back in your chair. He likes to monologue and you don’t mind listening.

“The honeymoon’s fucking over, innit.”

“I wasn’t aware we were married.”

“We’re not, but it’s been three months. Three months means we should’ve found a fucking problem. You give any two people three months together, and they should be able to find a dozen problems and go their separate ways, right?”

You eye him suspiciously, but he doesn’t seem to be gearing himself up for a separation; on the contrary, he just looks like he’s pontificating as per usual. You relax. “A problem like what?”

“Like the danger isn’t very fucking sexy anymore now that you’re close enough to get shot if a man comes through that door. Like you’re tired of staying inside and you want to be walking on my arm, like you haven’t seen a share of the profits, like you realize you’ll never get any further in, like you want kids, like you’re fuckin’...worried about saving my soul or some such shit.” Alright, maybe this is not a usual speech. He does look mildly worried.

“That’s a pretty big ego you have there, Alfie,” you say. “You do see that none of it fits, right?”

“I see that, and it’s very fucking concerning, because I’m wondering what brand new three month problem you’re going to come up with. You and that imagination.”

“A finger up the ass is not innovation, Alfie, it’s a pretty common cure for temporary boredom.”

“And the fucking marathon last Friday?”

“That I’ll proudly claim as a personal invention.”

He smiles, and it’s a little terrifying, that. Yeah, maybe he is a little fond of you, maybe you’re a little fond of him, but it’s still two people getting what they want, at the core. That’s what it is.

“Listen,” you say, “If you want a problem, you’ll have to make it up yourself, because I have none. And for the record, there’s a three-month mark for women, too, and it’s wildly different.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” You get up out of your chair and got to sit in his lap, tilting his chin up, beard itchy in your palm. “At three months, he’ll start to think he owns you. You can see this because he’ll start to try to make you marry him, start to get bored and see other women, start to try in bed less and less, start to push you around.”

“You think I’d do that?”

“I think if we’re going to talk about changes at three months, we should talk about how completely unwedded I am to you, in every sense of the word. How I know that the good shit--the nearly unbelievable shit, the way you try to read ahead of me in Gibbons, the loaves you give me when I go, the way you get off on getting me off--how I know that good shit sometimes doesn’t last. How I abandon wells that have gone dry, how I’ve got too much fucking experience for that.” Your grip on his jaw tightens. “Don’t you fucking dare. Don’t pity me, it wasn’t me. It was my sister, and a girl I trained with, and probably half the other women out there. It’s only common sense, nothing personal.”

“You don’t trust me, eh?”

“I don’t see the need. And don’t think I haven’t noticed you have an entire room you keep locked every time I come over.”

He looks guilty, and that’s not at all what you wanted, not what you expected. To have a locked room is not beyond the bounds of what you’re here for, after all.

“Don’t get hurt feelings,” you say. “It’s not my fault a woman can’t be both safe and sentimental at the same time.”

“She could try.”

“She doesn’t want to. You kill people, Alfie.”

“...Yeah.”

“Then there we are.” There’s something in his eyes you can’t read, and that’s a problem, that right, there, but if you can’t figure it out, you can’t fix it. You kiss him by way of a panacea, and then you get up and wander over to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

“Is it that simple?” he calls after you.

“It is.”

IX. Rum Is For Pirates

And it seems that way for another very good two weeks. You still stop by the bakery every now and again, but it’s rarer; mostly he picks you up at eight and returns you before midnight, and that’s a little less sleep for you but a lot more fun. Problems, despite his prediction, do not arise.

Until rum night. After much wild guessing, you’ve finally hit upon the distillery in the bakery basement, and he’s agreed to fill you with about as many samples of the product as you can bear, it being a Saturday night and neither of you heading to church Sunday.

“It’s shit, innit,” he says, pulling a face after his first drink.

“Then why are you having another?”

He shrugs, and grins, and you’re halfway to kissing that off his face when the phone rings.

He mutters his replies, again in Yiddish, and you’re idly contemplating the possibility of licking something off his shoulder blades. Not rum, whiskey maybe. But his voice rises in concern and lowers back into something steadier than usual, which you read as reassurance, and by the time he hangs up, you’ve got your shoes on.

“I can walk from here,” you say. It’s not a great time of night, but nobody’s going to touch you.

“No, I’m afraid you’re going to have to come with me,” he says.

“I’m not doing a thing for your business.”

“It’s closer to your business than mine.”

Which is how you end up knocking on the door of a crowded flat with a five year old girl jumping up and down shouting on the sofa and a twelve year old boy, face grave, answering the door.

“Hi,” you say. “I’m Vanessa.” You stick out your hand, which he shakes like he’s a fortysomething banker. It would be charming if the backdrop wasn’t so sad.

“I’m Joshua. Did Mr. Solomons send you?” he says.

“Yes, he just drove to get you some groceries.”

“The stores are all closed.”

“He’ll find a way.” Thankfully, this seems to satisfy the little man, and you don’t have to elaborate on what’s undoubtedly going to be a fair bit of theft. He steps aside and lets you in.

“How long has it been just you two?” you say.

“Two days.”

“What’s her name?”

“Tabitha. Tabby for short.”

“Alright.” You lock the door behind you, then squat in front of him. “Joshua, you’ve done a good job. We’re going to take care of this. Can you do something for me?”

“Maybe.”

God, the kid’s smart. Your chest aches. “Can you get some water for you and your sister?”

“Why?”

“Because dehydration always comes first.” You straighten.

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to have a look in the bedroom.”

“Don’t.”

“Love, someone’s going to have to do it. Or it’s going to make the whole flat smell very bad. It’s not going to go away.”

His face crumples. You squat down again and give him a hug, and presently the little girl has climbed down off the sofa to join in. She smells like piss but that’s understandable. Your dress was going to be a wreck after tonight anyway.

When they’re both done crying, you sit them down at the kitchen table for some water each, and then you venture into the bedroom. You were expecting a mother, but this is clearly more of a grandmother, hair gray, and not beginning to smell too much, yet. Eyes closed, thank God. You’ve not dealt with many bodies in your time, but it’s always twice as bad when the eyes are open.

Likely there’s some sort of culturally polite way to deal with this, but there are children waiting on you to get it over with, so you untuck the edges of the sheet from under the mattress and tie her up in the sheets, bundling pretty tightly.

Joshua doesn’t seem to like the silence much, so you end up talking loudly through the crack in the door, even as you start in on the bathroom with soap and a rag.

“Miss?”

“Yes, Joshua.”

“Who are you?”

“Vanessa.”

“Are you Mr. Solomon’s wife?”

“No, I’m a teacher.”

“I’ve never seen you at school.”

“There are other schools.”

He absorbs this.

“Miss?”

“Yes, Joshua.”

“Who is Mr. Solomons?”

You want to laugh. “I’m not sure, sometimes. I suppose he’s a baker. He likes rum. Maybe he’s a pirate.”

“Pirates need ships.”

“A pirate on land, then. He has the beard for it, right?”

“I guess.”

“How do you know him, Joshua?”

“He was there when Dad went to jail. Dad’s a murderer,” he says, like murderer is the same as florist or milkman.

You find yourself saying, “Oh,” politely, like you do to old friends declaring marriages you don’t approve of.

“Yeah, and he gave us a card with his phone number on it. It had a flower on it. It was pretty fancy.”

Just then, the door opens, and Alfie storms in in a flurry of jovial Yiddish and a mass of bags. By the time you emerge into the kitchen, the kids are stuffing their faces with makeshift sandwiches of bread and cheese. You wait until you’re quite close to him, then you lift onto your tiptoes and murmur in his ear: “Do you know where you’re taking her?”

“Yeah.”

“Then you should do it now.”

You cover Tabby’s eyes with one hand, but Joshua’s such a little man, he won’t let you, and you don’t have the heart to force him to look away. Anyways, when Alfie carries her out, all wrapped up in the sheets, she just looks like a bundle. You tied those knots tight.

The miracle is that Tabby actually likes taking baths, so that’s not so difficult, and then the food hits her and Joshua at about the same time.

“You didn’t have to touch the body,” he says, as you both watch them, curled up, asleep on the sofa.

“It was the work at hand.”

“I can have Ollie walk you home, if you want.”

“Ollie?”

“Tall, dark hair. You could bump into him while robbing his house and he’d apologize to you for it.”

“Oh, that one. No, it’s fine. There’s still laundry to do, and I know you’re shit at laundry.”

“I’ve done my own laundry for decades now, mate.”

“It’s a little sad that you’re so proud of it, Alfie.”

“I can handle this myself.”

“I know. But I’m here now, so I might as well.”

It’s several hours of work, but not without its peculiar rewards. While packing up the grandmother’s clothes, you even catch Alfie shining Joshua’s little shoes.

“Wot?” he says, as if you’ve accused him of something.

You just shake your head and get back to folding blouses.

After what feels like a month but is probably more like several hours, Judith shows up, and the house is clean and as childproofed as can be, you and Alfie both dozing in separate chairs.

You don’t even bother to explain, just lurch up out of the chair.

“Wait,” says a little voice. It’s Joshua, blinking sleepily up at the three of you. “Where are you going?”

You start forward, but Alfie’s closer, and he holds up a hand, so you let him take it. You watch as he kneels next to the sofa and starts talking, softly. You don’t understand the words, but you don’t have to. Joshua’s little face is earnest and rapt beneath the sleepiness.

“Hello,” Judith says to you, brightly.

“Hello.” You offer her a smile. You know this is all ridiculous, or maybe again that’s the sleep deprivation.

She reaches into her purse and produces a muffin.

“You’re a queen among women, Judith. An absolute queen.”

The muffin doesn’t last you nearly long enough; soon you find yourself sitting next to Alfie in the car, and nothing to do with your mouth. You think you might be supposed to say something, but you don’t know what it is. You’re not quite sure how to act. Because now you’re not just the foulmouthed teacher that doesn’t know when to stop, and he’s not just the violent baker that amasses power via killing and stealing in his spare time. You’re still all of that, but other things too, enough to make you people.

“Have we found a problem?” he says.

You shake your head. “It’s just different.”

Maybe it is a bit of a problem, because now that he’s more than a cock with various attractive qualities attached, he’s a man, and you’ve never known what to do with a man before, never having seriously tried.

He’s watching you. “You still want a drink?”

You look out the car window. The sky is beginning to lighten in the east, and all your body wants to do is sleep, but leaving him now feels like leaving something unfinished. “Why not?”

X. High Sun

You wake up to a lick on your face. “No.” You push away, but your hand meets fur, not skin, and--”Alfie!”

“Wot?” He ambles in from the kitchen, looking like he’s not even hungover, the bastard, already dressed, apple in hand.

“You had a dog this whole time and didn’t tell me?”

“Yeah.” He clucks at the little brown spaniel, which leaps off the bed and circles his feet, panting excitedly. “Want an apple?”

“No.” You sit up, swiping your hair out of your face. The first time you’ve slept in his bed, and you didn’t even fuck first. You’re not sure how to feel about that. “Is that what you kept all locked up in the room?”

“I have guns and papers and illegal shit in there. My neighbor takes the dog when you come over. But he had to go to work this morning.”

“Right.” You make it to the bathroom in time to throw up in the toilet, which helps, oddly enough. You wash yourself up, bath and all, and emerge in one of his shirts, partly because your dress is spoilt but partly because you’ve always wanted to. He demonstrates his appreciation for the sight first by handing over toast spread thick with butter, then by watching you eat with particularly avid eyes. You lick your fingers clean when you’re done.

“Alfie?”

“Mm?”

“You’re going to have to lock the dog in the bathroom for this part.”

He does.

You take your time unbuttoning the shirt while he rushes to get off the vest, the shirt, the trousers, the socks, it’s funny and then suddenly he’s crawling up the bed, sliding a hand up your thigh, and you forget what’s funny with his head between your legs, taking his time. He licks into you and palms your breasts and you’re not used to this, the odd, luxurious feeling of hardly moving at all, flexing a little under him, taking everything and giving nothing. But it’s on offer, so you take it.

He doesn’t make it easy on you, though. He usually knows when you’re close, because your nails leave crescents on his shoulders, or his hair gets a sharp tug, but this time he backs off even before that, slows down the pace, lapping at you in a way that’s nowhere close to satisfying. He reaches up and palms your breasts, but that’s not much use, either. You bite your lip and wait. Clearly, the man has a plan, and you’ll indulge him.

The plan turns out to be him touching you in every possible way that’s unsatisfactory: one finger slipping in, shallowly, a slight prickle of teeth dragging down your neck, two fingers in while he mouths at your nipples and that’s--oh that’s alright, that’s better, but the rhythm’s barely there and you’re this close to just shoving him off and taking care of yourself (as you’ve done twice now, on occasions when the frustration became too much), but then he ducks back down, starts sucking at your clit properly, and and you sigh a yeah, like that.

When he finally lets you come, you’re whimpering for it, hands clutching at the sheets, words lost to the pleasure, sight almost too. You look down, afterwards, and he’s got his head resting on your thigh, watching you with a pride that doesn’t annoy you as much as it used to. Doesn’t annoy you at all, actually.

“Come here,” you say.

He crawls up obligingly for the kiss, moans his encouragements when you feel him through his trousers. He breaks away entirely when you unbutton them and guide him into you. So much, so soon after your last orgasm, you can feel yourself twitching like mad, squirming into him, away from him, but you hold yourself to it because you want to see. And when you look up, yeah, there it is: the slightest of hesitation, buried under ten layers of his cock thinking for him, enough that he moves far too slowly to be giving anything to himself. There it is. You were right.

You push him off, clumsy still but determined, push him till you’ve got him on his back, where you want him, and you can mount him again, biting down on a fuck at how much it all is, oversensitive yes but determined more than anything else. You roll against him once, give a shit-eating grin at his groan, and then start to ride him in earnest. “Come on,” you pant, when you’ve got your voice back enough to manage two syllables. You’re five strokes behind coming apart, but you’re holding on, you want to take him with you. “Fuck me,” and he looks up at you, trembling above him, with something like awe, and obeys.

When a wet washcloth has done its work and you’re side by side in the bed (another first) and the record player sings out some sweet contralto, he discovers that he likes to play with your hair, and you don’t see any point in stopping him.

“We could do this again,” he says.

“I was planning on it.”

“No, all of this. Breakfast, and the dog.”

“And scrubbing down floors at 3am?”

“I’ll try to keep the dead bodies out of it, love, but I can’t promise it’ll be all be sunshine if you stick around for more than three hours a week.”

Yeah, that’s fair. You should say no to the whole thing. But there’s worse things than a dog, some toast, an midday fuck. There’s worse things than sweet and savage, fingers sure on your thighs, on a trigger, on the handle of a broom. Where else are you gonna find a man that can play tenderness straight to a little boy, gentle and right, and then turn around and play tenderness twisted up to a threat too, rasping in a way that makes you wet? You would’ve been just fine with the cock alone, but there’s other things to consider, you see that now. You decide to let yourself consider them.

“I’ll think about it.”

Requests currently closed. For others like this, check out my desktop masterlist, my "mine” tag, or my ao3 account.

[odrseasonone]

ok so ur favorite odr co-author had some thoughts on a walk today but ur least favorite odr co-author went and forgot most of them aljsfkdjf let me see what i can remember ksljfkljdf

cassius

we already know everybody’s best pal, king cassius lowkey knows for much of the plot that guin is a dbl agent lkasdjfkjsdf i feel like part of cassius’ motivation for staying on the wrong side for so long is actually kinda noble (except...yknow...there was more he coulda done if he’d left rowena but here we are) in the sense that...ok so i think cassius as of 1.01 sees himself as standing between a selfish, heedless, worthless council and the ppl of aragoth and, tho he knows they hate him, he feels that now that he’s deprived them of all their other dragonrider defenders, it falls to him to look out for them.  at first, he tries to deceive himself that rowena’s still ~getting things together~ before she launches all those great reforms they talked about!!!! but even as recently as 1.01 he’s pr deeply disenchanted w her and those dreams ever coming to fruition so he feels 1) if he deviates from his course he killed all his friends for nothing 2) he’s abandoning the ppl to the cold mercy of a council that’s ruling only for themselves

so!!! that’s where guin comes in!!!! and idk maybe we’d already come up w this but??????? maybe sometimes he actually like feeds her info so the resistance can do this or that thing which might benefit the ppl?????? smh of course there’s also tons he tries to keep from her etc its a whole thing but yeah!!!!

also, since cassius isn’t a dark sorcerer in his own right, perhaps (in addition to the sacrifices or not??? idk??) its his connection to rowena that’s keeping him alive ever since he yknow took all those mortal wounds in the purge.  this is another reason he remains loyal so long -- and it also means that, when he does decide to take a stand against her, he does so knowing full well that he ~will die of the wounds his friends once inflicted

safira/”rochilda”

so our friend cassius is from the north ++ his main squeeze ends up moving to a really cozy ruin up there askdjfkjsf so maybe cassius is in some way in investigating some of safira’s doings in s2/3 and perhaps they even have some sort of showdown asp that foreshadows cassius vs rowena????? maybe she tries to sacrifice guin or one of cassius’ many family members and cassius aint having nonE of it???? or maybe he’s just, yknow, of the opinion that burning innocent ppl to death isn’t he nicest way to be???? isklfjkljaf either way, idk why i didn’t think of it before but i deffff feel like cassius would feel that its his duty as a rider to ~interfere and i defffff feel like that could go super badly and make some interesting tv

cordelia

when cordelia ends up being dispatched north, perhaps its w an ‘honor guard’ that’s actually supposed to assassinate her if it seems like she might be about to pull an arthur/lynessa bc i deffff feellike by this time rowena’s entering her paranoid stage (tbf, cordelia ~does end up turning against her tho so she’s not wrong lksjfklsjf) and she aint taking no more chances just bc ppl are family and have never betrayed her ~before anyway cordelia plays dumb but she knows perfectly well what’s up.  however, she’s also been sent there and now the north is hers and she’ll be damned if she doesn’t make things better!!!! so basically she does her ruling apprenticeship phase -- helping to encourage craftsmanship, invigorate trade w the east and west, give the needy food and shelter, try to make repairs to all the post-rowlin/safira damage, and generally repair the north so she’s got challenges on both sides to spice it up -- assassins who’re supposedly her protectors (who she probs ultimately wins to her side bc...i mean...i feel like rowena is noT the best employer atp tbqh), scared and angry ppl who need food and shelter, etc, and learns about loyalty and her impact etc etc etc

just thought of this, re: her honor guard, but if we wanna bring tristan/ophelia back in, this might be a good place but idk if we even wanna do that

lord commander elections

ok idr where i was going w this ~exactly but i remember thinking oh!! gotta remember about lord commander elections!!!! askjfskldfjds i do know that i was thinking that perhaps the dragonriders elected their lord commanders (i think we’d already discussed that?) and basically it ends up going from charles --> roran potentially and slkfjksljf my emotions but also!! imagine, once rob bc a dragonrider, rowena is like ‘you two are the legit riders!! since they’re out there electing false lord commanders, you should elect the REAL lord commander!!’ and basically its this ridiculous scene of two men alone in a room, each voting for himself and coming to a stalemate alksjfklsdjfs but anyway!! idk what the actual plots was anymore laksjfljfsdf

oh wait maybe it had to do with [ this ]????

there was def more!!!! i think i had avina and ric and dezod and rowena thoughts and probs some others but...this is what made it out alive so make of this what you will i suppose

[neonstatic]

(transcripted convo)

i’m reposting a discussion i had w a terf. i previously posted screenshots but she messaged me and said she didn’t want her url or avatar displayed. editing the pics to post them again was hell so i’m posting a script instead (i learned my lesson tumblr: you suck). if anyone ends up finding the convo and thus the redacted speaker... idc. this is a public website and we technically had this convo in public - the notes of a post aren’t private spaces afaik. i’m posting this as proof that sometimes calmly reasoning with ppl lead to nothing. (i know anyone could say the same but lmao leave me alone.)

tw for transphobia/transmisogyny 

[redacted] (speaking to a transmasc discourser about the "woman path"): Ok let me explain what I mean :) if your experience was totally different then thats fine :) im 24 and when I was little i was encouraged to play with dolls and learn 'motherly things' like playing with baby dolls while my brother played with toy trucks. There was a lot of pressure at school to wear dresses, and be sweet and polite. @[transmasc discourser] then of course, learning to deal with periods and the shame and taboo around them. Removing body hair because its considered unladylike. Etc

@[transmasc discourser] have you had none of those experiences?

neonbaebae: these are all common experiences for women bc of gender roles/stereotypes but none of that defines womanhood as an identity.

[redacted]: completely agree they are gender roles. But menstruation isnt a gender role. Its a frustrating part of being female. But that said, what IS womanhood then?

(rest under cut)

neonbaebae: menstruation is a biological function that is in no way exclusive to female bodies. remember intersex ppl, who come in all forms and shapes. women aren't all the same and it's likewise for men. there are intersex women who don't fit all the criteria for being "female" yet still identify as women. there is a distinction to make between womanhood as an experience and womanhood as an identity.

the woman experience is what you've described. the woman identity is feeling like one, e.g.: liking female-coded clothes, makeup, hairstyles, feeling comfortable in the societal role of being a woman. identity is essentially abt self perception most of the time

[redacted]: intersex is unique and I respect that not all womens bodies are the same. Intersexuality is complex but it doesnt represent the majority of biological women. I dont have a strong baclground in intersex knowledge so I'm certainly not gonna speak on behalf of intersex women. so if identity is self perception (which I completely agree with) how can a biological man self perceive his femaleness.if he's never experienced it?

neonbaebae: trans women never identify with being male and all in entails. and they can see, thru watching women counterparts and how they interact with the world around them, that they id more w the idea of womanhood and much less w the idea of manhood. it's esp why dysphoria often settles around puberty bc the dissonance manifests physically and that's harder to handle

[redacted]: but what youre talking about is what trans women see women do.  If thats what someone aspires to, its a very basic and narrow understanding of  what womanhood is. Its only what they see. And people are far more complex than this. Does a biological male aspire to periods stigma, beauty conformity and lesser social stance in the world? Or do they aspire to femininity? Something many biological women dont feel comfortable with

neonbaebae: womanhood as an identity is a feeling that is strengthened by a disconnection to manhood, its polar opposite. someone who completely rejects the idea of being man is likely to prefer being a woman (not always but likely!). many trans women do aspire to femininity and it has nothing to do with the cis women who are uncomfortable w it, just like there are many cis women who embrace it too.

many trans women cannot quite explain their transition in another way than "being a man felt wrong but being a woman feels right and authentic to my true self". i'd suggest to ask an actual trans woman for her pov tho since i'm not one, i'm just basing myself on what i've heard them say

[redacted]: but feeling disconnected with manhood (which is understandable and gender roles are frustrating) doesnt make someone the opposite of a man. As society we need to open our understanding of gender expression. But this isnt the same as thinking 'if I dont feel like a conventional man or connect with male social expectations, then I must be the opposite'. Theres no logic in that

we live in a world where gender stereotype binaries are considered natural, and people who dont fit this understandably feel marginalised. In fact Id argue to a greater or lesser degree, none of us truly fit the prescribed gender binary.

but i find it problematic when a man thinks they're a woman based on what they think 'woman' is.

neonbaebae: you're right in saying that a disconnection from manhood doesn't make someone a woman - a connection to womanhood does. it has v little to do with the upbringing of women which you seem to define thru misogyny and menstruation alone which is frankly a pessimistic view of womanhood. it's less not feeling like a conventional man and more not feeling like a man At All. tru it doesn't sound logical but gender is not logical it's abstract and complex

it seems problematic bc one might think men would gain smth from iding as women but stats show that trans women are at higher risk of assault for being out and open, both of bc of misogyny (not directly related to having a vagina or menstruating after all) & transphobia. it's esp telling that trans men aren't targeted as much. do you disagree w trans men as well?

[redacted]: but as a women i dont connect with womanhood. Lol i am a women. It would be nice to think we live in a world where women are equal, but that's not the world we live in. Womanhood is hard. And we do live under a patriarchal society that's cultivated female inferiority over many centuries. We're still negotiating freedoms today.

Its not about gaining or loss. Its about the male right to self define womanhood on their terms, without the biological or social conditioning. In fact, many have recieved MALE conditioning as children. This comes with its own privileges.

I think transmale is a very different experience so no I categorise them very differently to transwomen

neonbaebae: "as a woman" you say. even if the experiences and stereotypes don't fit you perfectly, even if you reject it, you still id as a woman. you feel like one and you suffer the consequences of being one. believe it or not trans women suffer from iding as a woman as well and thrice as harshly. i can provide sources if you want.

trans women don't think like men bc they feel like women. the thought patterns are different. they don't digest the social messages abt men bc their mind doesn't relate to it. male entitlement and all doesn't apply to them. and in sociology alone womanhood is often defined as more than a biological or upbringing thing. it's a social identity and trans women have a right to it if they don't id and reject manhood altogether

my question tho was do you think trans men aren't men either cus otherwise that'd be hypocritical

[redacted]: my point is its not an identity. Its a reality. Im a woman. I have xx chromosomes and the world treats me as such. Similar to my race. I dont identify as my race, i am treated as the world sees me.

male entitlement does apply. Statistically baby boys are fed for longer than baby girls. And little girls are left to cry for longer than baby boys. Little girls learn many motherly caretaker roles while many of their male counterparts are encouraged to conquer the world. Children are raised by gender. Even subconsciously. I can also provide sources :)

there are many more male leaders and men in authoritive positions in the world. Women fight very hard for the same respect, but womens voices are less valued. It takes no genius to see men have greater standing in the world

about transmen. No I dont consider them men but I'll respectfully use the pronouns anyone prefers, male or female. Its common decency.

I think society needs to get more comfortable with non confirmative gender expression

neonboobear: but it is an identity. that's why there's a distinction between sex (bio) and gender (identity & expression). if it would feel wrong for you to be called a man or nonbinary then that'd be bc you don't id as such. (also there are women with chromosomes other than xx maybe you should avoid phrasing it that way.) i id as my race but race has v different roots & impact than gender historically and it cannot be compared. let's stick with gender.

and i'm not denying gendered socialization but it doesn't shape a child more than their personal feelings on their identity, which can differ v early in life bc (some) would rather engage in activities associated with the opposite gender for example. if it were that simple trans ppl wouldn't go at lengths to "play the part"

you're right society does need to accept gender non conformance but that's v different from the trans experience. i rly think you should have a deep conversation with a trans person to try and see their pov

[redacted]: if womanhood is an identity, it totally invalidates what it means to be female. And yes its arguable that there're are women who arent xx but how about the majority of the population that are. Must we pander to the few at the expense of the majority? also what makes you assume I dont talk to trans people? Critique doesnt mean lack of empathy.

Children and gendered socialization is complex. Maybe if 'feminine' activities werent coded as female and just 'childhood play' we wouldnt have the same degree of dysphoria. It goes back to the irrational logic, 'if I like the pink toy section then I must be a girl.'

neonboobear: i'm afraid that is your pov for the ideology that womanhood is an experience but also an identity is considered a v valid theory in the science field. the fact that there are women with chromosomes other than xx is proof alone that xx chromosomes aren't what makes a woman. and i've suggested a deep conversation and an intention to Understand the Other. not just a talk. i said nothing abt empathy.

there would be less dysphoria but i'm sure it's still be there. many think the abolition of gender would solve everything but i doubt so

[redacted]: i have a close mtf friend and we have the debate constantly. We don't always agree with her but there's a lot more common ground then you might expect :) Gender roles damn us all. Hmmmm... abolition of gender is impossible but theres is a lot that can be done to challenge gender expectations. But not an easy battle! neonbaebae: i mean this with the least offense okay but i sincerely think neither of you should be friends. i’m black and i’d never befriend a racist. that’s a lack of self respect on her part and a plain lack of respect on yours. 

i’d like to end this conversation here. i’ve said my point and i’d only repeat myself by continuing. and since i’m not a trans woman i don’t want to misinterpret them (so sorry if i’ve already did. trans girls feel free to bring up clarifications). might sound tedious but i strongly suggest you watch this 50-min long video essay by youtuber contrapoints. her vids are informative and entertaining and so v easy to digest despite the length. i’ve heard she’s not v liked in terf circles but it’s worth it to listen to what she has to say as a trans women.

[ravenvsfox]

okay folks time for renison for the ask meme (part two of anon’s request) let’s dive in

SEND ME A SHIP AND I’LL TELL YOU…

who is more likely to hurt the other?

i wanna say that they’ve transcended hurt and experience only love and peace for the rest of their lives but unfortunately.... allison.... is a bitch bless her

basically I think allison can be harsh when she’s upset and she tries to make sure that shit never touches renee but sometimes it does and she likes it when she can upset ppl bc it makes her feel strong again? but she also can’t stand renee hurting so it’s this constant discord. (but also renee pulls away so much to protect people and it hurts allison to see her go, sometimes.)

who is emotionally stronger?

they’re both absolute warriors lemme tell you. remember when allison’s boyfriend died and she pulled her hair back and got to fucking work?? remember when renee’s life was a vicious cycle of abuse and she took up a bible and started smacking ppl around with it?? BOTH of them could be sifting through their emotional baggage at 5 and kicking ass at 5:30 tbh

who is physically stronger?

renee,,,,, could kill you with her hands tied behind her back

she spars and LIFTS she is gentle and small and she has a six pack and she carries her gf to bed

who is more likely to break a bone? 

I can’t imagine anything getting the best of renee even like.. the ground... but also allison walks in towering heels 24/7 and has yet to bust her ass so maybe they’re both superhuman?? I feel like maybe renee would take things too far and break a pinky when she’s scrapping with andrew and probably dead-faced set her own finger and leave every fox....... shaken

who knows best what to say to upset the other? 

Allison can rip out every follicle of your hair if she’s in the mood, she’s neil with crystal earrings, just bc her mouth is all perfectly applicated peaches & cream doesn’t mean it’s not filthy

she never uses renee’s past against her though. never.

who is most likely to apologize first after an argument? 

I think renee is a LOT more willing to admit when she’s in the wrong, and her life is pretty much a balance of redemption and honesty so I think she apologizes very earnestly and seriously and allison basically snorts and tells her it’s forgotten and goes in for neck kisses

allison is a liiiittle too proud to apologize but when she knows she’s done BAD and when they’re alone & intimate in their apartment allison will come in crying and bare-faced and apologize and apologize and apologize

who treats who’s wounds more often? 

renee is scrappy and allison hates it but she’ll sit down for hours making sure every bit of renee is seen to, and she’ll neatly cover up renee’s bruises like she did for neil, quiet and sweet and methodical like she rarely is

who is in constant need of comfort? 

yikes it’s always both w our foxes man

I think allison’s loss is such a fresh wound in her mind and it’s so constant. She still feels so brutally undervalued for her talent and her ingenuity and her strength, and like. that gets bad. Renee’s loss runs deeper and harder and she can’t even think about it, most of the time. She’s making constant amends, but no matter how many times she prays before bed the nightmares still come. (so does allison, lighting sweet smelling candles and brushing renee’s hair back and kissing her face)

who gets more jealous? 

TOUGH bc I think renee projects this very ‘i’ve transcended human emotions and am an eternal sweetie with clothes knit from bible verses’ but she’s still very human and her girlfriend is very very hot and if one more man touches allison without her permission renee will take his hand off :))

who’s most likely to walk out on the other? 

okay... neither.. 

who will propose? 

I think allison would and I think she would spend 1 million dollars trying to make it unforgettable even though they could be collapsed on the court after a game and renee would say yes? they could be in bed or walking with their arms linked or having their weekly chinese food with dan and matt and renee would always say yes

(she proposes when they’re on vacation, at some european cathedral with streaming stained glass so renee can feel as close to god as allison feels to renee, and every pew is filled with a different colour of flower and a choir sings something ancient and sapphic ok bye)

who has the most difficult parents?

THIS QUESTION DOESN’T WORK FOR FOXES HOLY FUCK THEIR PARENTS ALL SUCK TAINTS THAT’S WHY THEY’VE UPGRADED TO SUPER DAD DAVID WYMACK

who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public? 

it’s pretty equal on the PDA front they’re very affectionate ppl

like I imagine Allison w her hands in the pockets of her designer bomber jacket and renee slipping her hand in too and smiling like fucking summer just rolled in early and hung up its coat

who comes up for the other all the time? 

you know that post where allison calls renee ‘exy’s cutest goalkeeper’?? yeah.. picture that.... all the time

who hogs the blankets? 

you’d think allison bc she enjoys the height of luxury at All Times but it’s renee actually she nests it’s what she does

I think bc she’s so comfortable that she subconsciously lets herself take more than her fair share

who gets more sad? 

allison is more outwardly sad, and it manifests itself in a shade that’s almost angry, almost nothing at all

she hates that she never got to see what seth could have been and she hates that her parents don’t love her and she hates the sight of her own face sometimes

renee doesn’t let the darkness in but when she does she spirals, hard, and she can’t even feel worthy of the cross she wears or the friends she keeps

who is better at cheering the other up? 

allison is such a whirlwind that she can crush sadness under her stilettos tbh like if renee can’t quite get her serene mask tied at the back allison will come in with truckloads of food and a brand fuckin new rhinestone cross (it was the early 2000′s... leave them be) and Dan in tow, and they talk around renee until she feels herself enough to pay attention and actually... smile a real smile

renee is a soother and she knows how to fight bad moods off, so she can calm people down, but allison can pump them up

who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes?

i feel like renee is more likely to just look very wryly and fondly at allison if she says something ridiculous, but allison would be more of a slapper

who is more streetwise?

LMAO uh renee. next

who is more wise?

renee has that kind of all-knowing aura about her like I bet she knows the weirdest shit. Allison is smart in a very straightforward, brisk, I know how to fix this or work this out way, but renee just. knows things

who’s the shyest? 

also hilarious allison will stare a stranger down until they cower and die and renee is the most soft-spoken kiddo on earth

like it’s more of a self-imposed restraint than shyness but the fact remains that allison is an extrovertTM and renee is always going to look calm next to her

who boasts about the other more? 

allison thinks renee is the best thing that’s ever happened and she will show renee off the same way she shows off her wealth tbh bc renee is PRECIOUS to her anyway

who sits on who’s lap? 

renee sits in allison’s for height reasons, and bc allison buries her face in her hair and calls her baby when she does and it’s this whole spectacle