#peter needs to feel like he matters and is important and that hes worth fighting for | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

berrieluv · 2 years

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Same lips red, same eyes blue, but it's not you and it's not me. Tastes so sweet, looks so real, sounds like something that I used to feel, but I can't touch what I see. We're not who we used to be, we're just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me.

James Potter x Fem!Reader.

TW. Inspired on Two Ghosts by Harry Styles, cheating, mentions of divorce, mentions of sex, fights.

We're Just Two Ghosts.

James and you were the kind of best friends who used to make promises, and all the time your friendship has been going you never broke a promise or made one you couldn't keep.

You promised each other if by the time both of you were twenty seven, you'll marry each other, but by the time you were twenty one you got married, and by the time James turned twenty three he married, in his birthday party.

His wedding was magnificent, and you were expecting nothing less. James has been planing the perfect wedding since he was fifteen, and fortunately for him, his parents had enough money to make his dreams come true.

Both your couples were a perfect match for each other; Lily Evans was sweet, caring and loving, and she wanted a family just as much as James did. She was perfect for him and you knew it, just as James knew that Thomas Harris was perfect for you, finally being able to find someone who would match your workaholic energy and you both couldn't be happier with the way your lives turned out.

There was a time where James and Lily had marital problems. The time took place on the exact time where you and Thomas were having the time of your lives. You were named the most successful business woman of London and the youngest CEO, owning one of the biggest fashion companies.

James tried to look for you, he wanted his best friend. He needed you and you would have know if you had the decency to make a time for your best friend. The only boy who was always there for you and you couldn't do the same for him.

But, truth to be told, you didn't care about James marriage as much as you should as his best friend. You never really liked Lily, and not because she was a bad person, because you weren't a liar, and you accepted to yourself that she was the most perfect human being there was. Lily never turned her back to you and never tried to step on your friendship with James, no matter how much people would tell that you both were too intimate with each other, Lily didn't doubt her husband, and more important she didn't doubt you.

Lily was sure that just as he trusted James, she could trust you. So it was weird for him when in such a low time for both of them, you weren't there. And they fixed their problems, because Lily hated to see James like that, and when she saw him hurt, they both realized that they marriage was still worth saving.

James had Sirius, Remus and Peter, but even they knew they could never replace the bond you both had. A bond that had been built since both of you were on your mothers stomach.

You got so deep into your marriage and your work that you didn't know what to do when one of those things left. You once heard; the bad thing of idealizing something is that when the charm falls down, you have nothing but the cruel truth you've been trying to avoid. Thomas and you worked perfectly until the day he wanted to out do you.

Usually, the petition for a child would be cute. A step more into the relationship you both have been building eight years from now. But, at the petition coming In the peak of your career and the falling of him you saw through his motives. Thomas wasn't really looking for a child, not when he told you, the moment you agreed, that you would have to leave your job, because the kid couldn't grow with an absent mother. A working kind of woman wasn't mom material, he said. Thomas wanted to drag you with him. To the fall from success because when he did things wrong, and his numbers were falling while yours were going up, he couldn't stand the fact that his wife was making twice the money he did.

How was he supposed to tell his friends that.

And you did what you had to do. You toldl Thomas your good-byes. And by the time you were twenty seven you were by yourself. With a failed marriage, no children and an enormous empty house you bought for the both of you when on the first year of your success, you made more money that what you could spend, not really expecting the numbers going up and up.

The No-Kids thing started to hit you when you were by yourself. When you wanted James' support but he couldn't attend your calls because he was busy with Harry and probably Emma, the little girl you only knew they had because of how much James loved to post his family on instagram, showing the love him and Lily were feeling for each other and his children.

You were the most successful woman at your work, but while everyone went home to their families, you went back to more work, trying to distract yourself from the fact that you had no one waiting for you. You tried to contact James, tell him the news, that you were no longer married and you needed the comfort of your best friend.

But James wasn't there for you. Just as you weren't there for him when his marriage was falling apart. The difference was that, without your help, he saved what he loved. But you couldn't save it. And now that you needed your best friend, you thought of all the times you let him down.

But, you were lucky enough and James was a better person than you in many ways. So he picked up the phone.

"Hey, pumpkin. What's up?"

You laughed at the nickname, which you haven't heard in years and you almost cried at his soft voice, his happy tone to see you calling even if it's been years since the last time. At the back you could hear Harry screaming, and the little girl they recently had was probably in his arms, you could tell because you could hear her cries closer than Harry's.

"James..." You breathe out, happy and relieve that you still had your best friend "Sorry for bothering you"

"Bothering me? No way, my dear. I was really hoping I could hear from you soon. I've been returning your calls but it seemed like your phone was turned off"

You smiled at his words, thinking on what you could tell him. You always knew James was better than you. And he knew it too. He used to say, there was a reason why you were best friends, and it was because he had the heart and you had the brain. And far from being insulted you felt happy. Because you knew James didn't mean that he was brainless or you heartless, he just meant that both of you had different strengths. And while you helped him on thinking more in a rational way, he helped you in letting yourself go a little.

"Yes" You chuckled "I forgot to pay the bill"

"You didn't pay?" He laughed "You're on the most popular magazines of CEO's and you couldn't have someone to pay the bills?"

"I'm not used to being popular I guess"

"And rich"

"And rich. You were always the rich one"

"Now you're richer than me, aren't you?"

"I guess. Just a little more I supposed"

You heard James telling Harry to get out from the couch to avoid a fall. The little girl in his arms started to cry harder at him raising his voice and he asked you to excuse him for a bit. You do, but you don't hang the phone. You stay there, sitting on your big bed, positioned on an impeccable and enormous room. Wondering in the silence of your house how different your life was from James'.

You smiled at the voices over the phone and try to not let a tear fall at the thought that maybe, if you weren't so selfish, and so self-centered, you and Thomas would still be together and you'll have a beautiful family.

"Why don't you come over one day?" You hear him ask "You can come over right now if you have time in your busy boss-girl life. I mean, my home's a mess but me and the kids would be so happy to see you"

You always loved how James referred to his house as home. He did back when living with his parents, and even tough he called 'house' the one he's living right now for a few months, the moment him and Lily moved in together he started to call it 'home'. As an instinct. He linked home with love.

You always called it house. Except the time you lived together when you were at College. You remember calling it 'home'. But the feeling didn't last long when after a few months of living there you got married and move out.

"I'll me more than happy to do"

—

"Hello, hello, there" James greeted you at the door. A little Harry did not waste time on formalities and as soon as he saw you he hugged your legs. "We missed you"

"I can tell" You chuckle, looking down to see Harry "Where's Emma?" You ask, looking around, dragging Harry with your legs.

"She's sleeping. I'll bring her here later" James smiles and you feel your heart warming a little. "I wanted to tell you about her before"

"I know"

"It's just, you were so busy and I was too, we couldn't talk"

"I understand, Jamie" You chuckled "I'm happy I get to now her anyways. However the situation presented itself"

James nods and steps aside from the door to let you in.

"Forgive the mess. Things can't be tidy as they used to when you have two children" You nod and sit on the couch looking at James only to feel Harry jumping on you "And one on the way"

James says, looking proud of him.

"What?"

You say in a pitch-yell, surprised because that was something you didn't get to see on his Instagram.

"Harry" He slowly calls "Why don't you go upstairs and get auntie Y/N your new draws so she can see them?" Harry smiles and nods with excitement as he lets go of the hug he was giving you. "I was planning on telling you as soon as we knew. But I couldn't reach you. Just as it happened with Emma."

"Yes" You nod "Sorry for that. I've been so wrapped out on work lately" You cross your legs "I've miss so much of your life"

James smiles and you do too.

"Well, since Lily and I were on the edge of divorce"

He says, his voice felt uncomfortable, like if he didn't want to bring the topic to the conversation but a part of him was telling him he needed to solve things.

"Yes..." You breathe "I-" You feel your mouth dry, because what were you supposed to say when you leave your best friend by himself in one of the hardest moments of his life. "I'm sorry"

James nods, not erasing his smile from his lips but it doesn't seem like a happy one now. And now, you don't really want to tell him about the divorce, because if you were him, you would think you're only here because you need comfort from him. You wanted something you denied him from and you had no right to ask for it. So you lie with the only thing he knew he would believe you would get caught up; work.

"I missed talking to you like that" He says, jumping on the couch next to you and hugging you with all his strength "I really miss the days were we saw each other constantly"

"I do too. Sad we're too busy now"

"Well, if you want my kids coming, I'm free every day"

You smile and look at him "I wouldn't like nothing more"

"But enough about my family" He says with a smile while yours disappears, knowing where this is going "How's Tommy?"

Your lungs are failing to register the air and you feel your hands starting to shake. You don't want to talk about Thomas and how your life is falling apart, because you wanted your friendship with James to come back to life more than you wanted to talk about how you were feeling.

"He's fine. He's having some trouble at work nowadays." You smile and he nods "You know how Thomas is, there's nothing more important for him than work" You chuckle. Theoretically, you weren't divorce yet, so not mentioning it wasn't lying. You were still married. "We haven't see each other too much these past days"

"Both of you are crazy for work"

James says smiling and you nod, trying to look sure about what you were saying, and hiding any hint that there was something wrong with your life.

—

For James, there was something suspicious about the frequency you were contacting him with. But he did nothing about it, being sure that even with all those years apart, you will trust him enough to tell him if there was something wrong.

"I love spending time with your kids"

You say, smiling at him. Emma and Harry were playing in your backyard, this was the first time they were visiting you, and even if you were having an internal heart attack for how disastrous kids were, you couldn't be happier to have them here.

"I'm sure they love it too"

James answer, smiling at you and drinking the ice tea you offered him. You look at Harry and Emma for a few moment. Emma was lying on a little bed, near from Harry, and he was the most careful little boy around her. It was adorable how Harry picked things from the backyard and went straight to show it to Emma, explaining in his little baby voice what it was, earning a chuckle from the baby.

You felt happy with them, and you wanted to feel how James felt. Because if you were so happy and full to spend time with children that weren't yours, how would it feel to have your own?

Maybe you should go back with Thomas. Ask him to come back and have a kid together.

At dinner time, James invited you to his home. Lily was cooking and it was cookie day.

You were happy for your best friend, of course you were. But you couldn't avoid the hint of jealousy hitting you every time you saw him so happy, surrounded of love and with a home full of laughs.

You went back home again that night, only to be received by the contrast of the environment you were having with James. Your lonely and silent house was feeling even bigger than it used to feel. Making you miss completely the environment that hours ago was filling it.

You looked at the empty backyard, the one that was missing Harry and Emma's laughs, or the bench that was now empty without James and you sitting there. And suddenly you felt bad. Because you were missing something that wasn't yours. And not only that, you wanted it too.

And there, lying on your bed, thinking about how your happiness fell apart, you thought of all the times you rejected James Potter. You told him 'No' when you should've say 'Yes' and your life would have been very different now.

You couldn't steal Lily's life but you could always try. See if James would put his wife over the only girl that was always there for him in the past. The only one that helped him when he needed it, the one that was with him when Lily rejected him.

Of course you did reject him too. Maybe more times than Lily did. But your relationship was completely different, and his flirty attempts could easily be misread by the nature of your friendship.

James was a charming and caring man, the most romantic boy there was, and you had him on the palm of your hand but for your misfortune, you left him go. You could have give him a chance, but for some reason you were so against it.

And the thing about unresolved feelings is exactly that, how they remind unresolved.

You were in love with James years back and he was in love with you. Neither of you did anything about it and for your disgrace, those feelings were coming to light for you.

You wanted to think it wasn't the problem. You wanted to believe that your feelings for James weren't alive again and they were just a result of how sad you were feeling right now.

"Hey, James" You called him when he answered the phone, it was early in the morning and you could hear his yawns on the other side "You' good?"

"Yes, yes" He quickly answers with a sleepy voice. He murmurs something, probably to Lily and you hear the door opening and closing "Everything alright?"

"Yes, of course" You ask with a smile "I was just doing a quick cleaning"

"At 2:00 A.M. in the morning?"

"You know how I get" You chuckled, you needed to get Thomas stuff out of the house as soon as possible but you couldn't tell James that "I couldn't sleep because I felt the warehouse was dirty"

You heard him humming and the sound of a toast being bite. James loved midnight snacks, when you were living together you would always find him going around the home looking for something to eat.

"Go to sleep, Y/N. It's late, Thomas is sure missing you in bed"

James knew, he was no fool. He noticed the extra time you were looking to spend with him, with his children, when years before all you cared about was your job and your husband. He knew it when he saw the empty space on top of the chimney where your wedding picture was supposed to be. But he said nothing, because he wanted you to, he wanted to know if you trusted him enough.

You both say 'Goodnight' to each other and while he leaves the phone in the kitchen to go and sleep peacefully with his wife, probably with Harry making his way to his parents' bed, you were sitting in the middle of your warehouse, looking at all the things that reminded you of the wonderful years you spend next to your husband.

"I'm gonna call him" You say, sipping a little from your water bottle pretending it was wine because you were as sober as you could be and about to make one of the worst decisions of your life but there was nothing you could blame but you. "Hey..."

"Y/N?"

Thomas voice wasn't sleepy, and that's probably because he spends half of his nights working, the whole morning doing that too, the afternoon was usually reserved for you and half of the night too.

"Yes" You say in a low voice, afraid you would cry "I'm sorry I'm calling you this late"

"No problem, baby. You know I'm always here for you"

The thing about Thomas is that he's perfect in almost any way there is to be. He's smart, hardworking, loving and caring. He was an adventurous person and he wasn't scare of following you in the craziest things you wanted to do.

But he was the most competitive person there was when it comes to money and careers. You knew Thomas didn't mean "A working woman is not mom material", he meant "A more successful person than me it's not material for my partner".

That's why your marriage was fine as long as you both were. But you didn't care at that moment. You knew being back with Thomas could drag you and make you loose everything you've been working for but the thing about loneliness was that you would do anything to get out of it.

"I'm sorry I left you" You slowly tell him "I- I still love you"

You knew you were being pathetic. You knew Thomas didn't deserve you apologizing, you knew you deserved someone who would cheer your achievements. You deserved someone capable of being happy for what you hard work earned you. You deserved someone as James. But he wasn't yours.

"And I still love you too, but you made a decision"

That's when you knew you had to hand the phone. When his tone was adverting you that he was about to drop the 'I think that's the best decision you could make because I'm better off now' bomb, stealing the merit of the separation from you, like if it was him who realized that the events that made you land on that decision were the signal to call it quit.

"Yes, I did" You answer, cleaning your tears and exhaling "I think it was for the best"

You hear Thomas silence getting too laud, and you knew him too well to imagine the face he was doing, the one he does when he sees his idea being achieve for someone else.

—

You weren’t sure about plenty of things in your life. You always acted with fear and hoped for the best. And the first time you were sure of something you couldn’t have it, because the first time you really wanted something it already belonged to someone else.

You wanted Lily’s life so bad that it was almost toxic. You found yourself thinking that the one in the big picture of their marriage hanging from the principal room in their home was you. You dreamed about Harry and Emma calling you ‘mom’ and you couldn’t know what was wrong with you when all of the suden you were begging for something you never wanted.

Maybe you weren’t really dreaming of it, maybe it was that you didn’t know how to fail, and you life changed too fast. You were lacking of lot of things you used to have.

You felt bad now every time James was around you, because you wanted him, and you couldn't tell if he sensed it but he wasn't dumb, he should have a hint of it.

"Harry didn't want to stay at the kindergarten when I told him I was coming here" James laugh and you smile at his words. "Emma on the contrary, started her first day at playgroup. She was so excited and I was so afraid to leave her" You nod at him and sip your coffee "My little girl is three years old, can you believe it?" James bites the cookie in the plate and continues "Does it ever drives you crazy?" You look at him, confused at his words "Just how fast life changes"

And you were the ideal person to answer that question. Because even if James was confronting changes with his kids, and Lily's new job, things were the same, just modified. He was facing modification not totally changes, cause he was still having his life as it was, but you, you weren't. You were the one facing changes. Your life was totally different for what it used to be two weeks ago.

"Yes" You take a deep breath, not really knowing how to keep the conversation "Have you ever, wonder, I don't know- Have you ever imagine how things would be if we would've fall in love with each other?"

"No" James answers quickly "I fell in love with you. You were the one who didn't"

"I fell in love with you too, James" You tell him, not really sure if that was the right move "Well, I'll change the question; Have you ever imagine how things would be if we would've been brave enough to tell each other what we felt?"

"I told you how I felt, Y/N" James chuckles "You laughed at me and called me your 'best buddy' after it"

"Whaaat?" You say in a high-pitch voice "I- I couldn't"

"You did. And I was just there, waiting for a chance, waiting for you to fall in love with me"

"How could you not tell I was?"

"Y/N..." James calls you, like a warning "You have never been single"

"That's not true"

"I think the most single you've been is these two weeks you and Thomas went through the divorce"

You look at him in surprise because he wasn't supposed to know that.

"H-how do you know that?"

"Y/N, I'm not stupid. Honestly it hurts me that you didn't tell me sooner"

"I'm sorry" You say honestly "I wanted to, but then our friendship was getting better and I didn't want you to think I was looking for you just for comfort"

James walks from the other side of the kitchen island to you, taking your hand and pulling you into a hug.

"I think our friendship is strong enough. I mean, it went trough years of no talking, I don't think it's gonna fall for it"

You nod on James chest and bite your lip, letting your arms surround him and trying to hold him closer. Your breathing starts getting fast and you hope James wouldn't notice it, your legs feel weak.

"James?" You call, earning a murmur for him in response "What do you think would've happen if I told you how I felt?"

James shrugs, looking away and then pulling you out of the hug, taking your face which looked so little in his big hands.

"That's not something for us to know" He slowly answers, his blue eyes looking directly at you "If it was, then it would've happen"

You nod at his words, knowing he was right, but also not knowing anything else but his deep and beautiful eyes. You sigh, looking at him completely amused with his beauty.

His lips were calling yours, but it felt like you were the only one who could hear them screaming for the touch of both. Your chest was getting heavier and you didn't know how much you could hold it. You knew James was marry, and you respected him, Lily, their children, and his marriage, you loved his family but the need of know how he felt was bigger than your moral compass.

"James?" He raise his eyebrows as an answer and you proceed "Would you kiss me?"

James face shows surprise for a moment at the petition, because it was true, it was rude of you to ask for something like that, to disrespect him and his life, but you needed it.

"Y/N..." James calls, cupping your cheek with one hand and feeling how you could relax at his touch "I shouldn't" You murmur a little 'I know' and a 'I'm sorry' in response, but he knows you don't mean it, at least not to him but to you, because of the rejection you were suffering, but not too much from the fact that he had a wife and children waiting for him "I don't think I'll be able to ever stop if I kiss you once"

And with that last sentence you feel your heart stop. Your chest moves up and down from the heavy breaths and you start to bite your lips, nervous.

"Just once, Jamie..." You beg, looking directly at him "Please"

"Darling..." He starts, using a word he haven't use with you in a long time "You have nothing left to loose. But I'm risking it all here"

And you knew it was true, no matter how much you wanted James, no matter how much his love burned for you in the past, he loved his family more than anything, and even if James had left still a little glimpse of love for you, he would always rather go home to Lily. To his family, to the thing he has always dream for. James wouldn't throw away everything he has work for, not for something he didn't know for sure.

He was twenty seven years, he already settle down, he had a beautiful family, with amazing kids and a gorgeous wife. He was in no age and no want to leave it all behind and start again.

Maybe if you would've been earlier, or braver. But like James said; It was no for you to know, because if it was, then it would've happen. And you would know.

So you both said your good-byes. Not forever, because you were sure, and James was too, that your friendship was stronger, and if it could survive James' feelings, the most empath person in the planet, the one that loved with a grace that burned, the boy with the purest and sincere heart, it could survive yours as if it was just a blow in a rainy gray day.

#james potter x reader #james potter x y/n #james potter imagine #james #james potter fic #james potter fanfiction #the marauders x y/n #the marauders x reader #the marauders imagine #the marauders fanfiction #james potter angst #harry potter x reader #harry potter fanfic #harry potter imagine

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damnedparker · 2 years

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First fight with Pete ? 🥺 making the reader cry and instantly breaking down bc he didn’t mean it

i'm no good at writing angst i feel, but i tried my best <3 i hope it turned out okay!

9:57.

It had now been close to three hours since Peter hadn't shown up at your place for the date night you'd planned and although him being late or missing events for spider-related reasons wasn't anything new, that didn't mean it didn't hurt any less.

You understood he didn't control when criminals decided to cause chaos, and you understood the purpose being Spider-Man gave him. It lit up his eyes with determination and a feeling of self-worth that you wished he could feel all the time. Some nights it brought pain into those eyes, a sadness you wished you could cure with the thousands of kisses and soft touches you were sure you'd given him by now, but you knew it just wasn't possible. You did your best to share that weight, though. Push it off his shoulders as much as possible, letting him know the people that escaped his webs, whether for capture or for saving, they weren't his fault. He was one person, a man and not a god, and he simply couldn't do it all. And that was okay.

You understood. You always did. Because you loved Peter Parker. And you loved Spider-Man, too, but lately it'd been harder and harder to feel fondness for the superhero for stealing your time with Peter. You wished taking a sabbatical from vigilantism was possible.

So when your window slid open, a familiar blue and red leg stepping through, you were filled with relief, and also dread. You knew you had to talk to Peter about all of this. And with the tension building up about it every time you tried to bring it up the past week, you knew it would end in an argument. You and Pete really hadn't had a true fight yet, and you weren't exactly excited to get to that part of your relationship.

"Hey, beautiful," his hair popped almost comically out of the mask as he yanked it off. He made a bee-line to where you were sitting on the bed, a kiss pressed to your forehead just like every other greeting he'd given you. He seemed nervous, knowing he'd messed up, fidgeting his hands where he stood in front of you. "I'm sorry I missed date night. I know we were both excited for it..." You had to physically hold back an it's okay, Pete, because you knew it wasn't. You needed to be an adult, in an adult relationship. Because that's what you were; no matter how much Peter made you feel like two teenagers in love when he was with you.

"Can we talk?" The words alone settled a storm in your stomach. And the change in Peter's expression didn't help.

"Of course," his voice got quiet when he sat next to you. He fought the urge to hold your hand, put his arm around you, just touch you. Even though he needed it himself, and it looked like you did, too, with the way your hands picked at your shirt hem, the ten mile stare directed at your lap.

"I know Spider-Man is important to you, and he's important to me, too, because of that," you began slowly. You felt like your voice was shaking like a scared little dog. "And I will always support that part of your life. But lately I feel like I've seen more of you in that suit on my TV than I have you standing in front of me. And I just... I miss Peter Parker."

"I miss you, too," he gave a half-hearted smile. "I'm sorry... I just-- things have been chaotic lately."

"Are you going to elaborate or am I just supposed to accept that alone as an answer for the millionth time?" You gritted your teeth once the words left your mouth, in a tone far harsher than you meant. But you were frustrated. Something you couldn't hide any longer. "It doesn't hurt any less to not know what's going on when you're gone more than you're here. In fact, it's quite the opposite, actually, Peter."

"I'm just trying to keep you safe."

"You always say that, but safety and my peace of mind don't seem to be very good friends," you sighed. "Lately I just feel like-- like you don't trust me. To take care of myself, to just let me in on what's going on with you. It's always about my safety or you're too busy or whatever you say-- I'm just supposed to accept it. This is a two-way relationship but it feels like there's three of us, and Spider-Man is the one making decisions for the both of us."

"I just-- I don't want you to get--"

"Hurt. I know," you stood from the bed, crossing to the other side of the room. "I'm so tired of you saying that. Like-- like the only thing that would hurt me is a physical threat. You don't want me to get hurt, but every time you ghost me, every time I go a week without seeing you or when I do it's you next to me when I wake up covered in cuts and bruises? What about that? You think that doesn't hurt?" Tears stung your eyes now, ones you were trying desperately to keep in as you went further. "All I feel lately from you is hurt. So good job with that, Spider-Man."

"I don't want you to get involved with that part of me. You can't-- you can't take care of yourself." As soon as the words left his mouth, you both know that's not what he meant. But it didn't lessen the sting.

"Wow," you scoffed. "I'm pretty sure I survived 20 years without you before, Parker, I'm not a fucking child!"

"I never said you were!" He voice had risen above its normal level now, making you flinch. He pulled and tugged at the mask in his hands, clearly frustrated and angry now. "Every time I go out there in this stupid suit, I worry that someone is going to see me, someone will find you and decide that you can give them information on me. That you're just leverage to get what they want. Or I won't be there when you need me. I worry that I can't save you, can't you see that?"

"You don't think I worry about you every time you go out there? And it only gets worse when you come home in pieces that I try to put back together?”

"It's not the same!"

"Yes it fucking is! It's fucking worse! I don't have superpowers, I can't save you, I can't make sure you're safe. Do you know how helpless that feels?"

"You don't understand."

"Then make me!" You broke, tears coming fast and hard down your face. "Just let me in. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to make you trust me enough to do that. What am I supposed to do?"

"I can't-- you can't understand."

"Am I not good enough? Smart enough? What's the issue here, Peter?" You laughed humorlessly.

"Maybe you are!" He burst out. You reeled back, not knowing what to say. The tears came even faster than before as you backed away, out of the bedroom, ignoring Peter's apologies and panicked rambling that quickly turned to tears as he followed you to the door. You slammed it shut behind you before he could follow, your feet carrying you outside into a thoughtless path before you even realized it.

An hour or so later, you were still out in the crisp air of New York, settled on a bench blocks away from your apartment in a quiet park. You knew it was probably unsafe, but you didn't care at the moment. The tears had finally subsided, and you were left stewing in guilt and frustration. All you wanted was for Peter to let you in. You knew he was apprehensive, it had taken him over half a year to even tell you he was Spider-Man, but he never really told you much beyond that.

Your phone went off for the thousandth time since you'd stepped foot out of the apartment. It was Peter trying to call you yet again. You had read his texts, without replying, so that he would see the read receipts and at least know you were still alive.

i'm sorry, i didn't mean that at all. i was just frustrated. you're right, i didn't know what to say.

you are the love of my life, please come back and talk to me

i'm really sorry. i don't like fighting with you

i hope you're okay. i love you so much.

You wanted to talk to him, and resolve this, but you didn’t know what to say to him. Not over text, and not when you were sulking in your feelings out in the cold.

You hugged your arms closer to your chest, in an attempt to get warm, when the sky opened up and began to downpour on you. All you could do was sit there as the rain soaked you to your bone, not even a thin jacket to attempt to shelter you from the weather. You just closed your eyes and sighed in defeat when you thought of the walk of shame you'd have to embark on in the rain. So you sat for a little longer.

“I don’t think this is great weather for a walk in the park.” Peter’s voice nearly made you jump out of your skin. When you turned, you were surprised to see him in normal clothes, an umbrella sheltering him from the rain. Thunder sounded overhead, vibrating your already shivering body. You just shrugged, wiping at your face as if he could tell the rain from your angry tears. He came to sit next to you, settling the umbrella between the two of you. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said. You are anything but a problem in my life, I need you to know that.” His eyes screamed and begged apologies left unsaid, frantically searching yours to try and gauge if you would understand. “I know I need to balance everything more. I need to make time for you and the plans we make. Emergencies do happen, but I should be trying harder.” You murmured a thank you with a small smile, one that made Peter warm to the tips of his toes. He hated not seeing you happy, especially when it was his fault. He reached out to take your hand. “You’re freezing, come here.” You let him pull you into his side, under his jacket that was much drier than the rest of you. He pressed a long kiss to your forehead, then one to the top your head, despite your hair still dripping wet from the rain. “I really am trying to keep you safe. I’m just… scared. I can’t lose you.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Pete. I promise,” you rested your head against his shoulder. “I know that in the worst case, I can’t control that, but genuinely, I mean it. I try to be as safe as possible. But, you know, we live in New York. Even if you weren’t Spider-Man, danger is still out there. It’s just a part of life. And I don’t like thinking about that either, but it’s the truth.” You kissed his jaw and looked up at him. Tears welling in his eyes, you squeezed him tighter to you to let him know you were there. “You can’t keep everything from that part of you locked up inside forever, baby. It won’t end well.”

“I know,” he whispered, almost inaudible over the rain pattering against the pavement and umbrella over your heads. He sucked in a breath and looked down at you. His hand came up to touch your cheek, brushing some drops of rain away from your face. “I’ll be more open, I promise, it’s just...“ He choked on the words a bit before he was able to continue. “It’s hard. The last time I let someone in on that part of Spider-Man…”

“I know.” You murmured. He’d mentioned Gwen a few times, but nothing very in depth aside from a brief explanation of what had happened to her. You knew it was a tough spot for him to talk about, and you didn’t want to push him on that front. “Just… let me in, okay? Even just a little bit. I’m here for you, no matter what. You know I love you, Peter Parker."

“I love you more than anything,” he sighed, almost in relief over everything. Peter leaned his forehead against yours and closed his eyes. “I’m sorry.” Your eyes softened as he said it again. The only response you could think of was leaning in for a kiss, pouring all of your feelings into it. Even the uncertainty. But most of all, the love, and the reassurance that everything would be okay.

#peter parker x reader #tasm peter parker x reader #andrew garfield peter parker x reader #andrew garfield!peter parker x reader #tasm!peter parker x reader #my fics #requests

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willowbleedsonpaper · 3 years

Text

Happy With You

Sirius Black x Female Reader

W.C. : 2800

Request: Hiii wifey ;) may I request a fic for the love of my life sirius black? Maybe the reader is james’ little sibling?Also, lots of yearning/ mutual pining please 😭 but please pleaseeee make it a happy ending cause shattered part one left me HEART BROKEN

A/N: Thanks for the request lovely! I had so much fun writing this I hope you and everyone enjoy it.

| Masterlist | Request are open |

Maybe it was the way she spoke, like her words were written in the finest sheets of parchment by all the blessed people that got to listen to her, as if her voice carried the melody of a siren and attracted everyone in her direction. It definitely had that effect on Sirius Black.

Sirius wanted to follow her to every place she set foot on, listen to her talk as full of passion and excitement as she always did. She had a magnet to her, a magnet that pulled him and made him want to talk to her all the time. Or just be with her, sitting on grass just outside of the castle as she played and ran, maybe he’d play with her. Laughter flowing with the cold breeze as he wrapped his arm around her waist and spun her in the air.

“Sirius!”

That wasn’t her voice.

“Merlin, we’ve lost him.”

But it was close enough.

“Huh?” Sirius murmured, lifting his head from the book open in the desk in front of him. He shook his head softly, eyes focusing on round glasses before he could see beyond the lens and into brown eyes. Not quite the ones he was hoping for, though. “What is it?”

“Never seen you so invested in something.” James chuckled. If only he knew. “Do you get what the professor is talking about?” he asked, spinning the book in the air to see if maybe he got it upside down with no luck, the book was on the right side and just as it was supposed to be read “I reckon he stopped speaking English hours ago.”

Sirius laughed at that, turning to see Peter just as confused as James and then to Remus, the only one actually taking notes “Moony gets it.” he said, pointing towards the brown haired boy with a small grin. “Ask him.”

“Oh, we know Moony gets it.” James said humorlessly, snatching the book from Sirius’ hands “He’ll explain to us later, but I need to understand now.” He turned back on his seat, stealing glances from Remus’ papers as Remus moved slightly to the left, giving James a better view.

“Do you get it?” Sirius whispered in Peter’s direction, the boy calmly taking notes as he nodded.

“I think so.” he answered “Just found the part in the text that he’s talking about. But the professor already asked James, he didn’t know the answer and he’s about to get detention that would get him out of the next Quidditch practices. He 's desperate.”

“Figures.” Sirius laughed under his breath, shaking his head as he started taking notes about what he thought was important or worth remembering “Maybe whisper the answer to him next time.”

“I’m barely understanding myself.” Peter murmured, turning to Sirius “I thought you would know, we lost you to that book for a minute there.” He said, pointing to the same page Peter had opened in his book, but Sirius just shook his head “Just as lost as you.” he mumbled, but the hint in his voice was clear that he didn’t mean the class.

*******

You stood next to your professor’s desk, your friend just behind you as you asked the few questions you still had about your class that just ended. That was when the loud voices reached your ears and you smiled internally, James was close.

“...and that would be the more complicated uses of the charm.” the raspy sound of your professor’s voice ceased and you had to stop yourself from running out of the classroom right there and then. He is always with him.

“Thank you, professor. I understand better now.” you smiled at him, taking your friend’s wrist as you slowly started to walk “We’ll see you next class.!” you said, your face a blur as you ran outside dragging your friend with you.

“What 's the rush?!” she yelled over the fuzz of the students changing classes and the wind flowing in your ears. Her hand shot up in the air, holding down the hat on her head as you sped through the halls following the trail only they could leave.

“They were here.” you informed her, avoiding all the people in your way.

“Godric, you’re out of your mind.” she laughed, but followed you anyway.

Just as the hallways started to get clearer you got the advantage of finding the four heads you were looking for, just standing in the middle of the entrance to the castle like they owned the place. Somehow, you knew they did and no one had the courage to admit it. They knew it too well and had no need to put it into words. Yes, they got detention and caused more trouble than the entire school together, but most of Hogwarts loved them and they got away with more than they should be able to, even professors had a soft spot for them. They had a nameless power over Hogwarts and they knew it. But you had power over one of them.

“James Potter!” you yelled, marching towards them as you still held onto your friend's hand.

His head snapped up to you, the momentarily fear that he showed on his face quickly turning into a grin as he ran towards you with open arms. You squealed, leaving your friend's side to run to him, bodies crashing as he hugged you tightly.

“Hello, little one.” he said excitedly, wrapping his arm around your shoulders as he ruffled your hair, the groan leaving your mouth only making his grin grow.

“I'm almost as tall as you.” you complained, standing on your tiptoes to see him eye to eye for one second “See?” you said, the effort making you drop to your actual height, the low giggles coming from your friend making you get away from James. “And only a year younger.” you said matter of factly, taking his hand and guiding his arm away from you, just it time to see his friends catching up with him. “Hello boys.” you greeted them with a smile. They all thought you had a light to you that they loved, your first days at Hogwarts had been spent with them and they immediately made you feel like a part of their group. The feeling had stuck until the present day, even if you had your own friends and didn’t spend much time with them as you once did, they had grown to look out for you in their own ways. They all saw you like a little sister and you saw them all like family, but the ache in your heart screamed to this day for something more from a certain someone, your eyes lingering a second longer on him before you turned back to James.

“What did you do now?” you said accusatively, crossing your arms over your chest. You had seen the terror slide from his face the moment he saw it was you calling his full name, he had done something and you knew it.

“Nothing.” he answered defensively, his face tensing as he turned away from you. “We actually have to get to class so I’ll see you later , you goblin.” he stretched his arm, ruffling your hair again before he took off running. “Bye Willow!” he yelled, waving his hand in the air as your friend did the same.

Remus, Peter and Sirius said their goodbyes quickly, following James closely as you and Willow stood there watching them go, only you noticing the slow steps that Sirius was taking, his head turned towards you as he waved his hand. Your giggle echoed the stone walls as he winked in your direction, a smile forming in your face as he finally disappeared from your sight.

“Merlin, that lasted forever.” Willow breathed out.

“What lasted forever?” you asked her, starting to walk beside her.

“Please, I had to fight the urge to cover my eyes.” she said, laughing in the end. A silence followed her words and she turned to see your confused face as you walked “You and Sirius?” she explained in a whisper, as if the words were forbidden to anyone to say out loud.

You continue walking, your confusion only growing as you stared at her “Wh-What about me and him?” you asked with a string of voice, the sound making Willow relax as she flashed you with a smile.

“Are you that oblivious or you're just in denial?” she asked incredulously “He obviously has a thing for you.” You shushed her quickly, covering her mouth with your hand when her voice raised, the sudden motion capturing the attention of a couple of older students. You smiled tightly in their direction, letting go of your hold on Willow as she stuck her tongue out in your direction, the other students gave you an awkward look but carried on their way without a second look in your direction.

“No need to announce it to the entirety of Hogwarts.” you muttered under your breath, a knowing smile on your friends lips as she nodded successfully.

“So you agree he has a thing for you?” with a huff you nodded, rolling your eyes at the squeal she let out. Her hand took hold of your shoulder and she shook you gently “And do you?” she asked “Do you feel something for him?”

Suddenly, your eyes found every single detail of the castle interesting, your eyes landing on every wall with the most intense curiosity as to avoid Willow’s eyes, but there was no escaping her glare “Oh, c´mon!” you hissed, covering your face and dragging your hands down your face “Have you seen him? Of course I have a thing for him.”

Willow laughed but kept her now warm gaze calm on you “But do you have feelings for him?” she asked.

You snapped out of the embarrassed state you were in, turning to her with a frown “I don’t know.” you admitted.

Truly, you didn’t know.

*******

The weekend arrived at Hogwarts, the sunlight shining softly through the windows and over the faces of those closest to them as the birds sang just outside to greet the early risers.

You groaned as soon as the sun caressed the side of your face. “Five more minutes.” you mumbled, covering your face with your pillow, turning to the opposite side with your back to the window.

The quiet room soon was filled with soft snores that you tried to ignore, the noise only growing louder as you pressed the pillow harder against your face. Your eyes snapped open and you rose, supporting your weight on your forearms as you glared to the bed right to yours. One minute passed, then two and then three and you thought you held back enough. Your hand reached for your pillow, throwing it with all your force towards Willow’s face.

Her sudden scream was muffled by the tangled covers that got all over her face as she fell from her bed. The entire mess of limbs and sputter of words lasted for only a second before she emerged from her covers, her eyes instantly landing on you “What was that for?!” she demanded, taking the pillow from beside her and throwing it back.

Ducking her throw, you narrowed your eyes “You’re loud,” you said, getting out of bed “and I’m hungry.”

*******

“I looooove pancakes.” Willow murmured as she took a seat, getting her plate and starting to serve the food without another thought.

A breathy laugh left your lips, taking your spot right in between James and Willow “What Willow means is good morning.” you said with a smile. It had become a habit to have breakfast with James on the weekends when your house didn’t matter and everyone could enjoy their meals without colors keeping them from other students.

“And she lives.” James laughed at the sight of you “You’re an early bird now?”

You glared at him, glancing at Willow once before you huffed heavily “You can blame the bear having breakfast over there.” you said, pointing at her.

She limited to wave a dismissive hand in your direction, her focus on the food in front of her more than in any other thing.

Everyone laughed at your friend’s behaviour, the sleep still in her eyes as she ate. She was oblivious to all the eyes in her.

“Can someone get me the syrup, please?” you asked, reaching your hand in the air. A familiar warmth in your fingertips made you raise your head, your hand lingering there for a moment before you smiled “Thank you.” you told Sirius, a glint in your eyes as you stared at him. His own smile didn’t go unnoticed by you and that sense of calm filled you once more. How could someone so chaotic be such a calming presence to you?

Breakfast became your favorite moment of the week. It was the moment of the week where you had an excuse to be near Sirius, where you could sit next to him and no one would question it. Breakfast became more than just being able to sit close to him or accidentally brushing your hands together. Saturday mornings became your mornings, just you and Sirius. As if the world knew it was the only time and place you could share knowing glances, where smiles looked brighter and the feeling of butterflies wilder. Sirius could swear that holding your hand underneath the table was the best feeling, one where he could swear your skin felt softer and your palm warmer. No one could say a thing, because it was just you and him. Y/N and Sirius.

In those short minutes or rapid hours no words were needed.

But Sirius loved taking risks.

You look lovely, by the way he would whisper in your ear, away from the noise and praying eyes of the rest of your friends.

Soon, the time you two had on the weekend over breakfast wasn’t enough. You started meeting late in the evenings when most of the students prefer to stay inside the castle to avoid the chill air. You two had no problem with it, you had come to enjoy it.

“Tell me more about it.” he asked you gently, his back resting against a tall tree. He held your hand in his, both intertwined and resting against your chest. “I’ve never heard of it before.”

You looked up at him, your head resting on his lap as you thought about it “Well, some muggles believe in witchcraft but not like we know it. You see, we have magic and come here to study it but only a few of us. They believe everyone can perform a spell with the right motivation, they use all kinds of herbs and crystals that we don’t.” you said, your free hand moving with your words as if it was a melody and you were directing “Some of them work with their ancestors and work hard to heal. It’s a completely different kind of witchcraft. They do spells, charms and rituals but not like we do, they even do it dancing. Can you imagine?” you asked, lifting from your position to look at him.

If it weren’t because you waited for his answer he could’ve stayed there watching you. For a moment he swore you were gleaming and he never wanted to let the image go from his mind. He saw you in a different light for the first time, one he hadn’t been able to see you from before. “Dancing?” he asked.

You nodded eagerly, standing and pulling him with you. You let go of his hand and started to move, spinning in your spot with your robes flowing around your bare feet. You took little jumps and started to move your hands with the flow of your hair just above your head.

He really couldn't resist.

You had closed your eyes at some point, giving him the chance to run up to you, the squeal that left your lips didn’t cover his laugh, his arm secured around your waist as he spun you in the air. You were both laughing, the sun setting behind your backs as he finally set you down and then he realized, he felt like all this was coming out of his dreams.

His arms stayed around your waist, swaying gently to the sound of your humming, his head resting comfortably on top of your head. “Are you happy?” he asked you.

You expected for your heartbeat to go crazy, for the palms of your hands to start sweating but all you felt was an overwhelming calm taking over you. You sigh, resting your back against his chest as he held you “I am.” you told him “I feel happy with you.”

TAGS

Skittles

@iwritesiriusly / @trinimalfoyyy / @megaprincesscakes / @lunalovegoodsgirlfriend / @amourtentiaa / @zaidlyn / @aconfusedslytherin / @animprxperworld / @aconfusedslytherin / @the-lonely-poet-loves-to-weep / @dreamcxtcherr / @angelsandsorcery / @badass-yn

Marauders

@destourtereaux / @ktyflwr / @nehireerdogan / @medalloway-blog / @waxsealed-letters / @j-cat / @aleksanderwh0r3

Sirius Black

@funravenclaw2002 / @blackst0nes7077 / @lilylikethefl0wer / @just-wordsandthoughts / @bhavanaa

#sirius black #sirius black x y/n #sirius black x you #sirius black x fem!reader #marauders era fanfiction

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jesslockwood · 3 years

Text

SOUR | T. Holland

Word Count: 1.7k

Pairing(s): Tom Holland x Actress!Reader

Warnings: angsty af, swearing

Summary: y/n and tom broke up, and when tom comes around with his new girl 2 weeks later, y/n is sour.

A/n: I was hesitant to post this due to everything going on with tom lmao but yk, fuck it lol. anyways lmk if you want a part two cause I this was pretty short and I have ideas! also I didn’t edit this much lol so sorry for the mistakes!

His brown guilty eyes were enough to know that he moved on, in two weeks to be exact, after you broke it off. He was spotted recently with a girl he said he was just friends with, what a damn lie.

You try to not let the tears out as you see them making their way on the red carpet of the movie premiere. He looked you straight in the fucking eyes, yet couldn’t even give you a heads up he was bringing a date tonight. You worked together for six months yet he didn’t have the decency.

He betrayed you. He didn’t cheat but he betrayed you.

You had even mentioned her by name before, yet he said you were paranoid and had nothing to worry about. What bullshit.

She was just a new trophy for him, one that he’d put on the shelf later, or smash like it like you were broken.

It started out so sweet and innocent. You had met working together and had started dating under the radar, and you fell in love with him so quickly, even at his worst, but it didn’t matter. He moved on with you still in the picture and that’s what hurt the most. But he would never see or care about how much you hurt. He wasn’t sorry.

Isn’t it funny how someone you thought could love you the way you loved them, was a damn traitor?

He played all these twisted games with your mind, thinking that he felt the same way about you, or at least cared.

God, you wanted to scream, she was sleeping in the bed you lied in and made with him. But she couldn’t care less, she got the prize, a shitty one at that.

You didn’t get it, he couldn’t have fallen in love with someone that quickly, not after what you had.

All you had done for Tom, it didn’t apparently matter to him, cause he’s dating her. He gave you his fucking word, that you were the one who meant something to him, you guessed he just used you.

She was gorgeous too, and she made you feel so small, unimportant and the paparazzi all turned to them, and barely any was paying any mind to you, the star of the movie. It sounded selfish but you put the blood sweat and tears into this movie, and all she had to do was walk with the man you put blood sweat and tears into, and she had all the attention.

He just had to bring her and was showing her off like a new trophy. God, you hated him. You hated him for hurting you like this. And yet, if he asked for you back, you would probably jump at the chance.

He seemed so genuine and true when you had first met him. Brown doe-eyed, attentive and listening to every word you said like it was the most important thing in the world, then things got ugly. He would play all these twisted games with you, making you feel like nothing one moment, and then his everything the next.

He even gave you his fucking word and a promise ring that he would always love you, But Isn’t it funny? He’ll never feel sorry for breaking you.

Suddenly one of your friends, well tom’s brother, wraps his arm around your waist, whispering to you, asking if your okay, before the paps get a few snaps in of the moment. Harry starts leading you away from the commotion before you cried. No one had asked you that until today. Which kind of shell shocked you, because you weren’t and he was the first person who seemed to care.

Harry at the moment couldn’t care less about the out-of-character way his brother was acting, especially towards you. Yes, he loved his brother but hated how he was acting. He couldn’t see how he could treat someone as lovely as you like that.

Tom didn’t even notice the way you were destroyed. He let you go, Harry couldn’t understand why because tom seemed so happy with you, until nearing the end of the relationship.

“Thank you, Harry.” you sniffle, once reaching the inside of the building.

“You shouldn’t be thanking me. I should be apologizing for my brother.”

You smile weakly at him. He wipes the tears from your eyes, before suggesting,

“After they have you up on stage for the thank you’s and stuff, we should just ditch this and go back to my hotel and get room service and raid my candy stash, if you’re up for it.”

“I’ll think about it,” you say with a more genuine yet sad smile.

“Let’s get in there, shall we?” he puts his arm out for you and you link yours in his.

What you didn’t realize is that tom saw harry wiping your tears while doing an interview, and saw you link your arms together when he got inside. To say he was fuming doesn’t even cover how enraged he was.

Once getting in, you realized you and tom would be sitting next to one another, something you truly wished you could get out of.

“You’d better wish me luck.” You point to the seats.

Harry got the bright idea to just take his brother’s spot. He wouldn’t care anyway, he had his new girl Zabrina.

You and Harry had a small conversation about what both of you had been up to after he was Tom’s assistant for filming. You saw him almost every day when you and tom would hang out, harry being the third wheel. You had spent a decent chunk of time with him and definitely preferred the company over being alone, or with your ex.

“I can’t believe you dropped your SD card down the drain! Photos are your life, so you should have paid attention!” you laugh with him.

“Harry, You’re in my seat.” Tom interrupts, with a scowl on his face.

“Can’t you just move down one? Y/n and I are talking here.”

“Tommy I can’t see from that seat!” Zabrina pouts like a child.

“If she can’t see why do I have to sit there? I actually worked behind the scenes on this movie!”

“Harry, don’t make me-”

“You know what! Harry and I were leaving after we thank everyone. So you two lovebirds can have the whole row!” you say venom seething from your mouth.

“There you go, Tommy. Have a nice night you two!” Harry follows up, really sick of the attitude his brother was having.

Tom’s face turned red under the makeup he had on. He was enraged. His brother was betraying him.

“Have a nice time, fucking around” he said, seeing red. he saw your face soften, from anger to confusion, to sadness. You didn’t think he thought so low of you.

“What the fuck tom! We aren’t-”

“It’s not worth it Harry, he’s not worth it,” you say sadly. Standing up, Turning to go towards the stage.

That hit tom with a pang in his chest. He was just trying to get over you, to move forward. But maybe that was the problem. He just left you in the dust (peter parker is that you?) to navigate the way you felt over losing one of the best things you ever had. God, you wished you didn’t fall in love with him before he betrayed you. You wished he just would have thought it through before he ruined you.

Your director motioned over to you and Tom to go up on the stage.

“I’ll meet you outside, Y/n/n.”

That was tom’s nickname for you. He came up with it and he was the only one who could call you that. You were his and he was yours. But yet he knew that long-distance was so fucking hard. He couldn’t put you or himself, so he found someone who was fine with the distance. Zabrina barely paid attention to him unless he wanted attention for herself, but he didn’t realize how he broke much more of you than the surface showed.

“She’s really pretty, I hope she makes you happy,” you mention bitterly, hoping in a terrible way, he’d never be as happy as he was with you.

Before Tom, you scream out no one would make him happy as you did. Your director cut tom off.

After your director said thanks to everyone and the film started you grab your bag from your assistant, before heading to the exit, tom hurriedly tried to follow you, being caught by Zabrina, asking Tom to take a selfie with her, so she could commemorate her ‘prize’ when truly, Tom was using her as a rebound.

“Zabrina, I need to talk to harry!” he whispers yells.

“Why? He literally is taking to your wretched ex?” she says with venom in her voice.

Tom jogs around her, trying to get to you and Harry, While Zabrina dramatically calls after him.

He was too late, though, he saw you from the doors, you were already getting in your getaway car, with Harry. He ruined everything.

Harry and you were sitting in the limousine that was rented for you, before harry states, “He’ll be the one who crying, I promise you.”

“I always knew this is how He’d leave me. He found someone more exciting, and better than me. I was used a discarded like nothing.” you laugh through the tears.

“You’ll find someone who finds you exciting Y/n, and you’ll be their whole world.” he comforts you.

“Good for him I guess, but it’s like we never happened. Like what the fuck is that?” you ask.

“He’s acting like a damn sociopath.” harry shrugs.

You laugh at that one.

“So what do you want to watch Y/n?”

“Would you hate me if I said legally blonde?”

“Not if we can watch fight club after.”

“You have a deal, Sir!”

Tom however was stuck, watching you and him on screen. Reminiscing of how he fucked up.

It was getting close to an intimate scene, probably his favorite one he’s ever done. All he could think about was someone else getting to touch you, and be with you, he wanted that but at the same time, he couldn’t deal with all the shit of being with you. The relationship was too good, so much that Tom thought sometimes he didn’t deserve someone like you. It was probably crazy of him for thinking like that, but he couldn’t bring you down with him, not when he was so fucked up. He wished he could be the one but he couldn’t so he just hoped you were okay.

Tags:

@spideyspeaches

@greenorangevioletgrass

@queenofthepouges

@minejungwoo

@keithseabrook27

@lolooo22

@webmeupspiderdaddy

@harryhollandsgirlfriend

#tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland x y/n #tom holland imagine #tom holland fanfic #Tom holland fic #tom holland fanfiction #Harry holland

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oitommothetease · 3 years

Text

Invisible String (15/15)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female reader (Modern AU)

Word Count: 3.2k words

Warning : fluff, smut, Steve being nice for once, mention of assault, healthy communication, drinking, Bec is Bucky’s sister - Rebecca, talk about therapy, fucking on a dressing table, I added the link for the dressing table so it could be easier to imagine lol

Both of you were far from okay, Bucky knew that. You needed time and energy to put in this relationship, and Bucky would patiently wait and giddily put in the work required.

Just like last time all those months ago, Bucky prepared a plate of fruits with juice for you. If you'd let him in your life, then one thing was sure — you were never having that damn coffee for breakfast. How did you even survive? Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and Bucky was baffled when he found out you functioned on nothing but caffeine.

“Good Morning!” he greeted, you were awake and seated on the couch. “I got you breakfast that isn't caffeine.”

You didn't meet his eyes, but smiled timidly nevertheless. You cringed at your immaturity. Getting drunk instead of having a proper conversation like adults was not your wisest decision. Your last conversation was horrid. What was worse was that he was still being so nice to you when all you wanted was for the ground to open and swallow you whole. It was embarrassing.

You avoided his gaze, and Bucky didn't press the matter any further.

You exhaled loudly and requested, “We need to talk.”

Here it was, Bucky thought. He hoped you both could at least have breakfast blissfully, ignoring the elephant in the room. But he assumed the sooner, the better. Bucky took a seat beside you on the office couch.

“I’m sorry.”

Both of you apologized at the same time. Bucky continued, “What I did was a fucked up thing to do. I had no right to decide for you. I'm sorry for hurting you.”

“I’m sorry for handling the situation immaturely. It was dumb to get drunk and act like that.”

Bucky nodded, he didn't need your apology. He was the one who was at fault here. Although, he would never acknowledge this, but he was glad you got drunk and came to him. He wasn’t smart enough to realize his mistake and if he continued with his stubbornness, then he would have lost you.

Instinctively, he took your palm in his, lacing your fingers with his and placing the entwined hands on his lap. “I — The incident with Rumlow and the kidnapping affected me a lot. More than I would like to admit,” you acknowledged, “And I don't think I’m dealing with everything healthily.”

“What do you need me to do?”

You sighed and propped your head on his shoulder. “Just be there for me.”

Bucky raised your intertwined hands, pressing a kiss on your knuckles, “Always.”

“I don't want our bakery to be just a dream,” he sounded so unsure that you raised your head to look at him. “I want to get out of this life — of the club.”

“Can you even do that?” You weren’t very knowledgeable about his business, but from what you've gathered getting out wasn't an option.

“I talked with Sam and Steve, and it would take a while, but it's not impossible. I’d have to put in a lot of money, and it will take time, maybe even years, but it can be done.”

For the millionth time, Bucky left you speechless. You didn't want him to change his entire life because of you. You loved Bucky and you would take him just the way he was. With his good and bad, albeit there wasn't anything bad. “Do you want that?”

He looked at you in offense. To him, you sounded insane. Of course, he wanted that. All he ever wanted was a serene life, and now he could have that life with you in it, you were double guessing your worth. Maybe he didn't think this through, but there was no need to question his choice. Bucky was sure of one thing in his life. “I want you. I want you in my life and I want my ma and Bec. And I can't have the most important people in my life if I don’t leave this behind. So yes, this is what I want.”

You smiled at him, and he would kill to make that smile a permanent residence on your face, you didn’t want him to make this crucial decision in his life because of you.

“Plus, maybe some chocolate essence would finally break you out of your writer's block,” Bucky teased, quoting the words you said to him all those days ago and you giggled.

The rest of the morning was spent in comfortable silence as you both ate breakfast.

Bucky wanted to tell his friends about his decision, and he wanted you there beside him. You were terrified, you finally made friends with someone, and now they were going to hate you because you were taking their friend away from him. And Steve already hated you, that wasn't the impression you were planning on forming on his best friend.

To your dismay, everyone looked pleased with the verdict. Turns out, all of them hated hiding their families too. You should have known — worrying every second about your loved ones could make one very restless.

It was finally decided that the club would just be that — a club. No more side businesses or illegal deals or enemies like Rumlow — it would just be a normal club. The club would go to Sam and Steve, and Wanda would take Clint’s place as the manager. It was also collectively decided that Peter had to go. He was just a kid who wanted to make money for his college tuition. Which now would be paid fully by Bucky. Peter could still work at the club as a part-time job, but he had to go to college too.

It was satisfying to see all of them so content with this decision. You expected at least Steve to interject, but he looked pleased too. What you did not expect was for Steve to approach you and start a conversation with you. You were just standing on the balcony while everyone was celebrating. You told Bucky you needed some air when he asked you what was wrong.

“He really likes you, you know.”

“I hope so,” you joked, and you saw a smile forming on Steve's lips. Progress, you thought to yourself.

“I haven't been the nicest person to you and I’m sorry for that.”

You looked at Steve in disbelief. Okay, you weren't expecting that. “I don’t know why you hate me. I mean, we barely know each other,” you replied, honestly.

Steve inhaled sharply as he said, “I knew Buck since we were kids. He never hid anything from me until a few months ago.”

What has that to do with you? You looked at him puzzled and he continued, “He attacked Rumlow. Around 3 months ago, he attacked him and we never attack first — always retaliate. That's why Rumlow came after you because Bucky started the fight. I knew it had something to do with you, but he just wouldn't tell me.”

And just like that, you knew exactly what he was talking about. The timing matched with Rumlow’s attempt to inappropriately touch you without consent.

“I — Rumlow came here during my shift,” you stammered, you didn't know how to tell him. You wanted to heal, you wanted people to know on your accord with your permission. And you wanted Steve to know. “I told him no - several times, but he just wouldn’t stop touching.”

You wanted to be able to talk about this without breaking down every time. And that was a good enough start, you knew Bucky would be proud of you.

Steve's expression morphed into one of guilt immediately. He was smart enough to join the dots, and he felt like an idiot for blaming you and Bucky. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don't be,” you smiled at him, “You didn't know.”

Steve didn’t know how to react. He felt like a dick — he was a dick for not even considering your point of view. Bucky kept saying that he couldn't tell and Steve should have understood or taken the hint, but he was so mad at you that it blinded his judgement.

The conversation turned uneasy, so you quickly changed the topic and retorted to a joke. “Did you know that Bucky owns a customized t-shirt that says ‘I heart Y/N’?”

Steve chortled a laugh and said, “Now that I do, I’m never gonna stop teasing him about it.”

“It was cute, okay?” you defended.

“Sure it was,” he huffed, “Would you and Bucky like to come for dinner this weekend? Sarah misses her Uncle Bucky and to date Bucky for real you would definitely need her approval.”

***

You examined yourself in the mirror as you straightened the outfit you decided to wear for dinner. You wondered whether it would impress a four-year-old.

Bucky stood behind you, fixing the collar of his shirt.

“I’m kinda nervous,” you confessed.

He furrowed his brows in bewilderment, snaking his arms around you from behind, pulling you against his chest. He whispered in your ears, sending a chill down your spine. “You look gorgeous, doll.”

You sighed, resting your head on his shoulder. He gently rubbed his thumbs along your clothed stomach, and you felt calmer. His touch had that effect on you. His touch and presence was enough to make you feel content and for the first time in your life, you weren’t scared. You weren't running away from your vulnerabilities — no, you were swimming into it. And you weren't scared of drowning because you knew Bucky was holding you.

“I love you,” you breathed, “I love you so much, Buck.”

Bucky extended one of his hands towards your face and gently held your chin between his fingers. Lightly, he rubbed his thumb across your lower lip before lifting your face sideways, claiming your lips with his in a tender and slow kiss. “I love you so much, doll. More than humanly possible.”

Your eyes brimmed with tears and you kissed him again reverently, “Do we have time to spare?”

“We always have time,” Bucky mumbled against your lips, turning you in his arms to face him.

Both of you were so eager to feel each other that you didn't even get rid of your clothes completely — just enough to feel the other. He held your hips and lifted you on the dressing table, and you facilitated by spreading your legs open.

Bucky didn't waste a second before diving his tongue inside your mouth, making you feel dizzy with just the intensity of the kiss. One hand in your hair, the other running up your back to hold your neck, craning your skull to give him better access to your mouth. He devoured you like you were a delicious meal that he was starving to taste.

The hand in your hair hastened towards your breast, squeezing your covered nipple enough to make you gasp into his mouth and get your core wet. He did the same with the other before his hand continued its journey towards your cunt.

Bucky didn't waste any time — quickly, he pushed your dripped panties out of his way and his fingers teased your slit before one digit made its way inside you. His mouth left yours, and he nibbled your jaw and reached the lobe of your ear before whispering, “I’ve barely touched you and you're already so wet for me, pretty girl.”

Before you could react to his lewd words, another finger entered your willing cunt and you clenched around him. “Bucky,” you breathed, your voice barely audible with the intensity of your oncoming orgasm. “Want you now, baby.”

Suddenly, his digits retreated, leaving you empty, whimpering and clenching around nothing. He gave a few quick strokes to his already hard cock before plunging inside you and muffling your cries by crashing his lips with yours.

He gave you time to adjust to his length and when you nodded, he started thrusting in an enticing speed that had you grasping him around your cunt. Every push of his cock had you seeing stars. All that pent-up anticipation and sexual frustration had you coming in no time, but Bucky didn't relent. “Give me one more, sweet girl.”

His hand reached in between your bodies, instantly locating your clit, and you moaned loudly against his shoulder. Bucky toyed with your ear lobe, gently biting then moving downwards to the spot between your neck and clavicle. He licked before sucking harshly and then licking again to soothe the pain. You held his back so tightly that you were sure it must be hurting him, but he didn't complain, instead he growled in your ear as you tried to hold him inside you — tighter than before.

His hand was running calculated circles on your clit combined with his ruthless pace, and you were reaching your second orgasm faster than you imagined. “Bucky, I’m gonna —”

“I know, baby,” he groaned in your ear, increasing his pace, and a moment ago you didn't think that was possible.

You both reached your high together as he released his seed inside you, and that solely had you nearing your third orgasm. Bucky noticed and smirked before his still hand started running circles on your bundle of nerves again and gave you a few languid thrusts that made you reach the euphoria where you hadn't been before.

He held you, brushing your hair off your face, rubbing his thumb across your forehead to rid you of the sweat, praising you for being such a good girl for him. Once you were back from the land of bliss, he cleaned you both up before straightening your dress out — making you appear like he didn't fuck your brains out on a dressing table.

***

“Traffic,” you lied while Bucky smirked as he placed his hand on the small of your back.

Sam looked at you - both of you with a playful look in his eyes and Steve bought your lie without a second question.

As you entered the living room, you were met with a kid that reminded you a lot of Alec and Izzy. “Uncle Bucky,” she squealed before jumping in the arms of a bent down Bucky.

She stretched a hand towards you and said, “Sarah.”

You smiled at her and took her hand in yours before giving her your name. She looked at you with so much delight in her eyes that had you melting in a second. Oh, that reminded you, “Babe, the cake.”

“Oh, right,” Bucky scrambled to his feet and made his way towards the car to bring the gift you two brought for the family.

“Did you make it, Uncle Bucky,” Sarah asked as Bucky handed her the cake. She grinned when he nodded, “I’m gonna eat all of this myself.”

Bucky smiled, “It's all for you, sweetie.”

She held the cake in one hand and your hand in another before rushing into the kitchen with you.

Sam handed Bucky a glass of a drink that he didn't even notice because his gaze was fixed on you helping Steve and Sarah. You said something to Steve and he laughed loudly. When did you and Steve become friends? He wondered.

“Traffic, huh?” Sam teased Bucky once his daughter was out of their hearing range. Bucky nearly choked on the drink and coughed in embarrassment.

Sam eyed Bucky mischievously and told him to take a seat on the table. Bucky didn't listen and if he did then he pretended to ignore Sam’s words and made his way to the kitchen - to you.

You yelped when you felt two strong hands engulf you from behind, calming down only when Bucky chuckled and whispered in your ear, “Hey, it's only me, doll.”

Eventually, everyone made their way to the dinner table. The food was amazing, some of it was made by Sam - some of it by Steve. Sam’s cooking was clearly better, but Bucky told you not to tell him that because then Sam would get all smug about it. Bucky’s hand rested on your upper thigh for the entirety of the meal.

It brought you back to the time when you both were at your parents’ place and even then the gesture was so welcomed by your body and you. Although you always told him about how inappropriate a relationship with him would be, you secretly hoped that he would call you out on your bullshit. Anyone with eyes could see that you wanted him since the very beginning. Well, anyone except Bucky.

After dinner, Sarah went to bed and it was just you, Bucky, Sam and Steve situated in their living room with a drink in everyone’s hand.

“The cake was amazing,” you told Bucky when he took a seat beside you on the sofa. Bucky wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you closer and held your outer thighs with his other before placing you on his lap. You wrapped your hands around his shoulder and awkwardly looked around at Sam and Steve, exhaling in relief when you found them busy in their own conversation, oblivious to their friend’s antics.

“I can make cakes forever for you, doll.”

“Well, you'd have to make cakes forever if you wanna open a bakery,” you sassed and he laughed before pressing a kiss to your cheek.

You beamed at him, placing your head against his shoulder, “I’ve been thinking. With everything that has happened with Rumlow and my family. I think I’ve not dealt with all of it and it still bothers me.”

Nervously, you looked at him and found him already gazing at you with a look so patient and intense. You could see his adoration for you swirl around his eyes and you hoped he could see that same emotion reflecting in your eyes.

“And I don’t want to burden you with my shit, I think I’m gonna start therapy.”

He cupped your face in his palms and you looked at him anxiously. It was a big step - your relationship with him - finally acknowledging that you carried trauma that is affecting your life in more ways that you would like to admit. “Whatever you need, honey. I will be there for you.”

You leaned into his touch, craning your neck before pressing a kiss on his palm. “Did you think you'd be crazy for me when I walked in for the bartender's job?”

He laughed at your teasing words, holding your chin between his fingers and dipped his head down to kiss you. “I love you,” he mumbled against your lips, “And I have a feeling that we’ll be alright.”

“We’ll be alright,” you repeated his words. It was a promise of a happy and hopeful future - a future you were going to have with him. ”I love you.” You sealed the promise with your lips on his.

⁓

TAGS: @bananapipedreams @akkinda10 @rivers-rambles21 @emmabarnes @valsworldofcreativity @boofy1998 @marvel-3407 @mybuck @priii @coffeebooksandfandom @ladydmalfoy @shaking-a-jar-of-bees @elizamalfoyy @maladaptivexxdaydreaming @sabrinathesimp @realgaytrash

Taglist for future stuff.

A/N - I had an epilogue planned but idk - this feels very complete to me and I'm scared that if I add anything then it'll ruin the end. I think I'll take a day, think it through, try writing the epilogue and if I ended up liking it. Then of course, you'll get it. Bye Take care!!

#bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes series #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky barnes x y/n

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ironunderoos · 2 years

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Sequel of cheating tony realize that he wants Peter back in his arms back! The man really loves him but does Peter want to

Hey there anon, thank you so much for this suggestion! Tony follows Peter who saw him making out with Steve and angst and drama happens! I hope you enjoy🥺😊

Part one

Sunset II

Peter sat on the railway, looking out over the New York Bay. This was the place where Tony, a long time ago, had taken his suit, to teach him a lesson. They've been fighting here, but even if it had been the worst moment of his young life, Peter hadn't felt so helpless as he did now. Why he'd come here he couldn't say for sure. Maybe because something equally important as his suit had been taken from him today.

He felt empty inside, as if all the crying had eroded him. Now he was out of tears, his eyes swollen, but dry.

The sun was about to set, red and golden lights played on the water below, reminding him of the armor he'd admired since he'd been a little kid. And the man who'd created it.

His oversensitive hearing caught on a quiet movement behind him. Said armor lowered itself there, hovering almost without a sound. He didn't turn around.

Of course Peter knew that it'd only been a matter of time until Tony found him. He knew that FRIDAY had recorded his arrival at the tower and that he'd witnessed Tony and Cap… And of course the A.I. could easily follow his tracks. So there was no need to beat around the bush why tony came.

Still, Peter didn't look up or turn around. Just waited for what Tony had to say, now that he found him.

No hiss indicated the opening of the armor, like back then, years ago, when Tony had stepped out of it to reprimand a younger Peter. It wasn't necessary, Tony's nanobots retracted soundlessly into their case. So Peter wasn't surprised when the man in question stepped next to him in casual wear, and leaned against the railing.

"Hey…" he said very quietly without looking at Peter.

"Hey…" The boy gave back without taking his eyes off the sea.

Both fell silent, the sound of the water and the seagulls the only things to be heard. Slowly the sun moved lower over the city.

Tony cleared his throat. "You saw us."

Peter nodded. Waiting.

"I won't say stuff like 'it's not what you think'. Because it is."

Peter felt his eyes fill with tears again even if he thought there was nothing left.

"But…" Tony paused. Peter could sense his flinching expression without even looking at him.

"I don't want to lose you."

That made the boy look up. His gaze slid over Tony's face, unbelieving what he heard.

"What… what are you saying?"

Tony's eyes, those expressive, dark, beyond beautiful eyes were so full of anguish and conflicted feelings that it almost broke Peter's heart all over again.

"I love you. I do. And I don't want to lose you. But..."

Peter stared at him. He didn't understand.

"But I love him too. Ever have."

Peter faced the bay again. His heart raced and his mind was blank. What was Tony talking about? What was he even saying?!

Tony hung his head.

"I know… I have no right to ask this of you. And I'll accept your decision. Whatever it will be. I'..."

Peter turned to him again, anger rising in the middle of all that numbness.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Tony stared at him. "What?"

"Why didn't you fucking tell me? That you love him! Wasn't that worth a mention during the last five years?!"

"Peter… w-... why should I have told you? It was over, we broke up and not on good terms, in fact I thought to never see him again! And I didn't want to hurt you with past lovers!"

"Oh and making out with those behind my back… didn't you think this would hurt me? Well guess what, it fucking did!"

"I know. I know and I'm so fucking sorry. Baby- Peter, I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could take it back. He came over, we talked and we fought and suddenly… I know it sounds fake and I don't want you to think me a liar. But I would have told you. We-... we stopped when we came to our minds and… I would have told you. But it was too late."

Peter was torn. He felt so betrayed. Abandoned and pushed aside and hurt. But Tony had never lied to him. Not even once. And he could feel that the man was torn too. Hurting. It was all so confusing! Peter got up from the railing and turned to Tony, his hands balled to shaking fists.

"What do you want from me Tony? What do you think I should do?" He felt so broken inside. "Do you want me to step aside whenever you feel the need to… to get your dick wet with someone else? Is this what you're saying?"

"No, Peter, I-...

"I can't do that. I can't… watch you fool around with somebody. Him of all people!" Tony stared at him, his eyes shining. Peter wanted to stop, but he couldn't. "He'd hurt you so fucking much and I sorted out the pieces for five years! And you come here and tell me you love him?! What the fuck, Tony?!"

He stepped back from him, bringing distance between them, as if that could shield him from the emotions. Shield him from the fact that not only he but also the man he loved, was hurting.

"I'm sorry." Tony said.

Peter turned and jumped from the railing, a shot of webbing carrying away from those expressive eyes which had already burned themselves in his heart.

#starker #peter parker #tony stark #ironunderooswriting #they 🥺🥺🥺#cheating #tony cheating on peter

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watchinglikeafangirl · 2 years

Text

I like to think of the three Spider-Man movies (with Tom Holland) as a cronic of a boy growing up and learning how life works the hard way and that in the end, you just hold on without really knowing what drives you.

"Spider-Man: Homecoming" is a lot about High School stuff and popularity among his classmates. There's a girl Peter likes and even goes on a date with. The movie is pretty thrilling because Peter is so excited to be a part of the Avengers that it blends over everything that happens. There's a sort of euphoria throughout the movie because Peter has fun chasing the "big guys", solving a mystery and "righting the wrongs". It's a high school kid exploring, so it's a pretty cliché-ish movie, made for teenagers because it's a teenager telling the story. The world is viewed through, some would say, naïve eyes and all he sees is himself and the people around him. Someone hurts the people he knows, so he has to beat the enemy. It's no big thing or saving the world. It's a small fight but it matters to him personally. He proves himself for himself, proves himself worthy of being Spider-Man.

"Spider-Man: Far From Home" is darker in its tone because Peter is lost. He lost Tony and learned fighting in a grand war, for saving the world. There are different parameters to pay attention to and it's important not to make mistakes because they matter. He fought alongside Tony who guided him through the grand task he was a part in solving. In "Spider-Man: Homecoming", he learned how to fight with the "little guys" and Tony was there for him to not mess it up later on in "Avengers: Infinity War" and "Avengers: Endgame". But in "Spider-Man: Far From Home", Peter is alone. His villain is bigger now, but he doesn't have the same guidance. Not that he needs it but all this grief lets him struggle so much, he can't see his worth. He makes a big mistake he has to fix. Still a High School kid but with a lot wider horizon and now he knows how much mistakes matter. He learns from it and is a lot more independant now. In "Spider-Man: Homecoming", he asked Tony a ton of questions concerning every little detail and choice. Now, Tony is gone and Peter has to manage on his own. He is independant and that is scary. That's why he clings to Fury. It's someone he knows, someone who knew Tony. But that doesn't help. Peter learns he has to work on his own, need to grow up to be a proper Spider-Man. But Mysterio knows how much he's struggleing, uses it and destroys Peter.

There are many people Peter clings to. Happy is one of the most important ones because he's a relict of Tony and he knew Tony. He feels what Peter feels - in a way. And Peter clings to the idea of being Tony's heir because the world wants him to be exactly that, so he works with S.H.I.E.L.D. But now in "Spider-Man: No Way Home", he works alone. Tony's AI doesn't work any longer and he has to make his own tactics without help from a dead man. In a way, he's still a High School kid because he wants to go to college alongside his friends but he learns to take responsibility, learns consequences can't be ignored and will only lead to more drama. A death becomes meaningless then. And when he makes his last decision, he knows the consequences and is ready to face them even if it hurts like hell because he knows it's no longer about him. It's what he learned so far. He can't be selfish, not like a Teenager because he's an adult now. In the end, he's alone which can also be seen as a sort of metaphor for his growing process. He had people around him, shielding him, letting him escape, but now he faces he cold world his life is and keeps going. It's like he arrived where he was headed to as a person. He grew up.

"Spider-Man: Homecoming" was about a boy figuring out his powers. "Spider-Man: Far From Home" was about a young man trying to find comfort in the easier past. "Spider-Man: No Way Home' is about a man facing consequences and living with the outcome because he takes responsibity.

He learns how to work on his own, makes his own decisions like Teenagers do. They learn how to life without their parents and with Peter it's the same. Though there's much smore trauma, sacrifice and selflessness involved but we see him not feeling worthy enough to go to MIT whereas he definetely has the potential to do so. As a Teenager growing up, you struggle to find your worth as well.

That's why "Spider-Man: No Way Home" hits so deep and doesn't seem misplaced even though Peter carries a lot of weight on his shoulders. They don't fail to address the journey every young adult goes through, so everyone can kind of relate and feel sympathy for his struggle.

#spiderman #peter parker #spiderman homecoming #spiderman far from home #spiderman no way home #tom holland #aunt may

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itsthestutterforme · 3 years

Text

No Choice (Divergent)

Characters: Four x reader, Eric x reader

Summary: Four and Y/N were about to be engaged when she decided to call it off. Four won't stop at anything to understand why.

Tris and her friends sat next to Four, who was minding his business until he saw Y/N laughing about something your friend said. Four always found her laugh therapeutic, like listening to your favorite slow song on repeat as you watch the snow fall on a cold winter day.

Four and yoy were in a serious relationship since they initiated together and you made him feel something that he never felt before.

He felt loved and he felt like he was important to someone. And after all that, you broke up with him a week after he asked you to marry him. You couldn't bring herself to tell him why because you knew how he would react. You are dauntless born and belongs to one of the richest families in Dauntless history.

Your father was furious when he found out that you fell for a Stiff. He made sure you knew that, but you wouldn't budge. That was, until he threatened to send all of his hit men on Four. You knew hated how ruthless your father and his hit men can be, so you gave up.

You stand from the table with you tray and walked down to the dish collection station. On the way, you felt a pair of eyes on you and slowly scanned the cafeteria until you saw Four. Your heart stopped in your chest, making your body run cold as you two locked eyes.

You held eye contact for a few more moments before you left his gaze and walked away. "What's up with those Four and Y/N?" Tris whispers to Christina. "I can still hear you, and it's none of your business." Four drinks the rest of his water before standing from the table and leaving.

All you and Four would do is steal glances from one another. They both worked in intelligence but you are grateful that Four assists Eric with the first two weeks of initiation. You stopped by the training room to get a peek at the new initiates.

"Well look who it is," Eric announces, making everyone stop what they are doing and look at Y/N, including Four.

"These are the new initiates, huh?" Eric nods. "Who's the top of the class?" You sayna loud. "That'll be me," Peter says, raising his hand. "Egh, that's not saying much, is it?" You say, making Eric and some initiates laugh.

"No one told you to stop what you're doing," you snap and everyone resumed back to their take down techniques. Four was in the middle of helping Tris with her leg positioning by twisting her hips.

You noticed and heat built up in your chest. You makes your way towards Eric who is smirking at you with his arms crossed over his chest.

"What's bring me this pleasure?" Eric asks. "Curiousity. This bunch looks.." "Questionable, I know." Eric finishes. "You know that dude, reminds me of you." "Thanks, sweetheart," "Watch it," You warn, making Eric's smirk widen. "And it's not a compliment," you add.

"You want a piece?" "If I do, you owe me a meal because I'm on my lunch break right now." You negotiate says, pulling your Y/H/C, Y/H/T hair into a ponytail. "Deal," "I'll do it," Four says, standing next to Eric. "Aw, even after you dumped him, he's still looking after you." Eric snarks.

"Well at least he can keep someone longer than a night, which really speaks about your performance, doesn't it?" You snarks, making some close by initiates chuckle. Eric sends them a glare and they freeze in fear. "But I think they can learn more from me and Four than me and you," you tell Eric.

"Y/N," Four starts. "Come on, it'll be like old times. But I won't go easy on you," "I don't want to hurt you," Four says. "You won't if you keep it a friendly competition," you pull off your sweater, revealing your black sports bra and tattoos sitting proudly on your hips. Four loved kissing those tattoos.

Four eyes scans your body for a moment before rolling up his sleeves. "Alright, let's do it." "Look alive everyone, you're about the witness a pretty damn good fight. Pay close attention and learn from it." Eric announces. You and Four walk on to the ring and stand on both sides of the square.

You both get into your stances and Four makes the first move. You dodge the first two punches he made and launches a side kick to his abdomen. He stumbles back and smiles at you. He missed this. He missed you. He decides to get into your personal space and overwhelm you with hook and straight punches.

You blocks as much as you could but you took two hits to your jaw. You jump back and kicks his side with a roundhouse kick. A moment after you land, you glide your left leg across on the floor and trips him. "Whoah, how did she do that?" "They didn't teach us that." The initiates talk among themselves but couldn't tear eyes away from the fight.

You were on the ground now and tried to put Four into a choke hold. Four knew it was coming so he made sure to put his arms up close to his head to you couldn't get a grip on his throat. He pulled your legs open and attempted to choke you out with his forearms. You slammed your fists on the crooks of his elbows to break his grip.

When he does, you traps one of his legs with yours and thrusts your hips so he would fall on his back next to you. You used your forearms to jump to your feet and gave Four a hand to get up. He gets up and turns you around so your back hits his chest. He wraps an arm around your neck but you ducks your chin into your own chest.

You hold onto his arm and jumps up to use your momentum to throw him over you. You grabbed his arm and pressed your knee into his solar plexus. "Hi," you whisper. "Hey." They looked into each other eyes and you add," "That's all you get to see today, guys. Practice what you learned from the fight, you're going to need it."

"You heard her. Keep practicing," Eric commands. They both stand from the ground and Four says, "You need to go to the infermery," "Oh come on, I've dealt with worse." You say as you put on your sweater. "Y/N," Four looks at your with his eyes laced with pure concern. "You didn't hurt me. I'm okay." "We need to talk," he says lowly.

"My place after dinner," you say. Four walks away and you sigh. "I didn't reignite a flame, did I?" "You wish, play boy," you says before pulling your hair back.

Later that night, Four walks into your apartment. You was in the middle of making tea when you heard Four say, "Why did you do it?" "It's best if you don't know," "Clearly, that's not the case here." "It won't give anybody any closure," you say, turning around and pressing your back into the counter.

"Why did you spend three years gaining my trust and making me fall for you so you can just drop me like I was nothing!" He snaps, making you wince. "Four, I never meant-" "Tell me," he says more calmly. You cross your arms and narrow your eyes as Theo steps closer to you.

He leans his body against the wall and lean his arm above his head. Your eyes graze over the exposed skin below his shirt. His dark, raven eyes burrowed into yours. "My Dad threatened to put his hitmen on you if I went through with the marriage," you explain.

"Typical Y/F/N," Four says, clenching his jaw as he looks out the window. "He always gets what he wants. It's sickening." You say, your skin crawling with disgust. "Who did he set you up with?" "Some cousin of Max,"

"Did you meet him yet?" "I'm suppose to have dinner with him tomorrow night, but.." Your tongue darts across your lips for moisture.

"Don't go," "I have to, Four," "No, you don't. You're all I have, Y/N. And I'm not going to let you marry some random prick you barely know." "That's not worth your life!" "That's not your call!" "You can be so damn stubborn, I swear to God." "Yeah? Well right back at you,"

He walks up to you and you hold in a breath. He hands trail from your jawline to your arms and stops at your hips. He leans his forehead against yours and his breathing became jagged. "I know that I hurt you deep, and I'm sorry." You hold the back of his head and press a warm kiss on his lips.

His hand slide behind your thighs and lift you on the counter before burying his face into your neck. He wraps his arms around your torso as he pulls you closer. You slide your hands under his arms and rest your face on his shoulder.

"There's no one in this world that can hurt me like you can, Y/N." he croaks. "I thought that it was for the best. Your life matters to me more than anything else." You say as he rubs circles on the back of his neck. "My life doesn't matter unless you're in it." He pulls away from you just enough to see your face.

You brush away the tears from his cheeks and peck kisses all over his face. "What are we going to do about Y/F/N?" You ask. "I'm not leaving. I don't care if I die." "If you die, then I guess I'm dying with you." His lips tugs into a small smile as he tucks a few strands of hair behind your ear.

And in that moment, you had the greatest idea you've had in a long time. His eyes soften and he asked, "What is it?" "What do you say about knocking some hit men off the board?" You ask. "When do we start?"

#divergent fanfiction #divergenf fic #four x reader #eric x reader #theo james #theo james x reader

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river-bottom-nightmare · 3 years

Text

Nightwing #81 Review

i swear i actually thought no one was interested so i didn’t write one but a grand total of two (2) people said they wanted to read it, so here it is. honestly, my opinion’s been going a bit downhill, but the art is really cool and there are some decent parts so. holding out i guess? i really hope taylor has an end goal or at least a cohesive plan, otherwise i don’t see this series going anywhere i’ll particularly enjoy

the cover is very straightforward in its imagery, this villain has nightwing in the palm of his hand, easily manipulated, easily controlled no matter the action dick thinks he’ll take.

what i find interesting is the colour: both previously and heavily in this issue, the colourist has chosen to make pink this villain’s main colour, with different shades of pink as accents. so why the red in the cover? possibly to just make it more eye-grabbing, though one could argue that pink is even more eye-catching than red. maybe to convey a sense of dread or fear that pink won’t fully get across. either way, it’s definitely a decision i’m curious about.

so melinda zucco is in a high enough political position within bludhaven that she is next in line to become the mayor after the previous mayor died and dick just,,,,didn’t have any idea she existed? dick didn’t know anything about her? forget dick’s own brilliant detective skills, forget his doggedness at anything zucco related, you’re telling me bruce never found her and told dick about her? maybe he wouldn’t have now, but back when dick was a young kid, he definitely would have at least made dick aware of her existence, to let dick know and ask if he wanted to interfere with her life or anything.

i have a thought about zucco’s facial expressions. she is very much stone-cold poker face throughout the entire issue. the only time i see her pull a different expression is near the end when dick corners her against a wall with an arm around her throat.

this is most certainly intentional, what with the varied and intense expressions we see on other characters, dick most prominently. i’m wondering what exactly is the creative team’s reasoning behind this. in these panels, zucco is meeting with the most dangerous, powerful, near-bloodthirsty man in all of bludhaven and becoming the mayor of the city respectfully. in both of these panels, there is barely a hint of emotion in her face: no fear, no determination, no satisfaction. it’s just odd, considering the circumstances she’s in, regardless of any training recieved.

just spitballing here but. like. from what i’ve read so far, dick doesn’t really seem like bludhaven’s guardian angel. more like when peter parker first put on spandex and blindly stepped out into new york.

dick, how exactly can you underestimate someone from one move. so he caught your escrima. anyone with enhanced reflexes can do that. you still don’t know how he can actually fight, and this is shown in the next set of panels.

i just don’t like the wording here. dick’s “underestimated” him, but beats him up easy in the next page. in addition, i don’t know much about combat, but i would assume it would take more than one move to determine exactly what an opponent’s skill level is, made even more complex when you add physical enhancements and metahumans and aliens into the mixture.

idk my first thought when i saw that he caught the stick was “ah ok he’s enhanced” because obviously he couldn’t have reacted fast enough if he wasn’t (as there are few people trained enough to catch it on human reflexes alone.) then the wording in the next panel, i’ve underestimated him, made me think “oh no ok so he’s not enhanced, he’s just a really good fighter and can give dick a run for his money in a fight.” then, it turns out my first assumption was proven correct in the next panel. it just comes across as misleading to me.

(also sidenote but his curls are cute.)

have i praised the art enough in this series? no, i have not.

i adore the way this is laid out and illustrated. without even having to read the text, the action sequence is visually engaging and intense, and easily followable from one panel to the next. dick’s physical expertise comes through quite efficiently, and i love the special attention shown to draw our attention to dick’s escrima in the bottom right corner.

also that move in the middle row leftmost panel that’s the mcu black widow move to get up off the ground it was the first thing i noticed and it made me laugh; thought it was worth noting

i’m really loving dick’s escrima sticks in this run. they’re just so multipurpose, it’s hilarious and exhilarating. kinda reminds me of bruce’s belt, the way the button in the middle does eevveeerrryyytthhiinngg.

got a problem? don’t worry! dick’s installed a feature into his escrima that can fix that! (i like thinking dick helped make them it makes me happy and makes my engineer!dick side satisfied)

yawn. your big heart is your one true weakness yadda yadda the fact that you care will be used against you blah blah we get it. jesus can the villains please find a different weakness to exploit, this is getting old.

i need dick’s capacity to empathize and care and love to stop being a weakness that villains sneer about. bonus points if dick saves everyone anyway, either because of or despite his great big heart and the villain is surprised by the goodness of mankind or some shit like that.

i need it to be a strength, right from the get-go. the fact that he cares so incredibly much should be an asset that dick has and will use. he’s a very complex character with years of background, it can’t possibly be that hard to find another weakness of his.

ooooh this is cool, gosh i absolutely love this.

because what exactly is the reader doing? we are seeing the fear in dick’s face, just as this villain intended. even better, we’re seeing the reflection of it from the villain’s glossy mask, telling us exactly what we’re seeing and exactly what he likes so much about it.

dick’s standing up straight, shoulders drawn back, looking up at this villain’s face with determination and resolve, but his suit is tattered. one eye looks to be swollen. his hair is falling limply around his eyes, as opposed to the curls from earlier. his escrima aren’t even part of the main focus, instead blending into the side of the mask in the outer corners of the mask’s eyes, which tells you exactly how big of a threat they are to this villain.

poor bitewing’s quite alarmed.

also on second thought why would you bring your puppy out like this, when you know you’re gonna end up fighting someone in the suit. a) how many grey three-legged adorable little puppies live in the bludhaven area dick? and how easy will it be to connect the doggo running around with nightwing with the doggo that dick grayson owns? and 2) is this puppers trained? does she have fighting experience? how exactly can you ensure she will survive this highly stressful situation?

dick take better care of your dog

you know what? i was with tim on this one. why exactly is dick so optimistic and trusting about the people of bludhaven? bludhaven, which has been described as gotham’s smaller, smellier, more corrupt sister city once or twice. it’s not just the corrupt people in power, the entire system needs to change and people need to have faith and hope in order for them to come together, espcially if they’ve been living in conditions like how bludhaven has been described. from how clueless dick is about his own goddamn city, i can tell he hasn’t been here long.

it was a nice moment of hope, i’ll admit. but it was a tad unrealistic for me.

also it was in a weird place in the comic. this sort of confrontation and big get-together of the people to rejuvenate hope in each other feels like it should come near the end of a run, if not the end of an issue. certainly not in the first third of an issue. the pacing’s a bit off to me.

loyal little puppy patiently waiting for her human to wake up. i love her so much.

no it’s not. it’s bitewing.

living for this t-shirt honestly. do comics of dc characters exist in the dc universe? they must if the mug and the shirt are any indication

(now i’m imagining the first batman movie that came out in the dc universe and bruce just. being so offended at who they chose to play him.)

well, yes. but when a group of people are put through hellish conditions over and over again, they soon become desensitized to the pain and terror of their everyday lives in order to both stay sane and keep their life relatively stable, and part of that becomes ignoring or blocking out anything that isn’t directly important to you or your loved ones. having a bleeding heart will most likely get you killed in a city like bludhaven if you don’t have the same skills that vigilantes have.

and of course, people are more than capable of coming together and rallying under their city’s vigilante after seeing the good they’ve done and how they’ve helped the people, but that sort of trust takes time and effort to build. dick also had the whole ric arc and was gone for a while, which has been referenced several times in this particular issue in fact. that’s not going to make bludhaven’s citizens any more likely to trust him.

maybe i’m being a bit harsh but this comic is comic off as a bit too idealistic for the amount of change nightwing can do in a city given the present and past circumstances as well as nightwing’s own abilities. even dick grayson can’t pull off everything.

ok seriously this needs to stop this needs to stop.

right now, dick reminds me of oliver queen in the few episodes of the cw’s arrow i watched. he does the punchy-kicky-fighty and occasionally has smart insights due to the skills he gained from his past that he certainly definitely totally has but only ever exhibits once, while his team does all of the background research and information gathering and actual work.

this is dick’s city. if he has the same intelligence, worth ethic, and stubbornness in this run that he’s been shown to possess all his life, then he knows this city inside out. he’ll have meticulous notes organized in a ridiculously efficient system, he’ll have scouted out zucco long before this started, he’ll have known when anything big happened in the bludhaven political landscape in an instant.

i’m really not liking exactly how much dick’s relying on babs and tim in this series. sure, he loves them and cares for them and likes working cases with them. but he always pulls his own weight, has always been a mentor figure to tim instead of what’s weirdly becoming the other way around, and takes point on the cases in his own damn city.

what kind of weak-ass oracle is this?? redacted fbi files are child’s play. babs used to hack into the fbi for fun. this one particular picture is so out of character i want to laugh.

reading this series has unfortunately made me confront that, despite the tiny fluid acrobat dick that lives in my head 24/7, canon dick is impossibly 5′10 and muscular at that.

mmm. titties.

tim said hydrate or die-drate bitch

love how dick’s doing all this intense brooding and stuff meanwhile bitewing is curled up in a soft comfy post having the time of her life.

you don’t understand i would legitimately kill myself for her.

also the lighting in this one scene is cool. the blue tones come off so well.

they’re just. so multipurpose!! they can become a bo staff. they can cut glass. they can become a grapple hook/line. they can electrify someone. they’re a funky colour. i’m becoming really attached to these things. absolute solid choice in weaponry.

if you’re gonna write up every rookie mistake dick has made during this series to head trauma, then dick shouldn’t be out and about at all, much less in costume.

see this? this is just straight up wrong. dick most definitely should have spotted her, and would have immediately moved to take her down.

scratch that, dick would have done a full check of the building, because he knows not to break into places uninformed, especially if the owner of the apartment was raised by the maroni family. someone as highly trained, experienced, and competent as dick wouldn’t have done this.

and if you chalk it up to head injury, (which is probably true), than his ~love interest~ and his little brother should have done a much better job making sure he stays in his house.

zucco looks so awkward it’s fucking hilarious

are those shadows that mimic a domino mask, to both reflect and hide the fact that his mask is missing? are those bruises around his eyes, to show how, despite what good he’s doing, being nightwing is hurting dick right now?

(isn’t his domino mask supposed to have an electrifying feature that keeps people from removing them?)

it’s a little odd how the three known villains of this series are all coloured in warm shades, more specifically pink. meanwhile, in earlier issues, dick’s fondest memories were in pink, memories of him and alfred in particular. why has the colour pink changed from signifying something benevolent to something malicious? idk i hope this gets explained later.

this i did like. either it’s just a display of brute force in anger, or dick slipped the ties and pulled them off once untied. both ways, it’s an unintentional display of power, and i think that’s kinda cool.

again. dick is,,,tall? sort of? weirdddd

i’m so glad most readers are unified in the notion that this was the absolute dumbest fucking thing.

i’m hoping this gets disproved or something soon. and i hope dick doesn’t fall for it, because he definitely knows better than to take something as important as this at face value.

what exactly is taylor trying to accomplish here? why is he trying to go back on what we all knew was a happy, loving childhood and throw strife and disharmony and (what i’m assuming will be) infidelity? this will not end well at all.

---

,,,,,this review got way longer than expected lol. and i realize most of it just became me ranting. i guess i didn’t realize how ticked off i was originally. fingers crossed it gets better.

tag list: @woahjaybird @birdy-bat-writes @anothertimdrakestan @subtleappreciation @screennamealreadyused @bikoncon @pricetagofficial @catxsnow @thatsthewhump @xatanna-troy @red-hood-redemption @capricorn-stark @batshit-birds @comics-observer

#nightwing 81 #nightwing #dick grayson #dc #nightwing 81 meta #nightwing meta #dick grayson meta #dc meta #river thinks too hard

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imaginejamesandsirius · 3 years

Note

Arrange marriage where they knew since they were kids. How will this affect their school life?

The problem with knowing his entire life that he was going to marry Sirius meant that there was never any time to get to know each other. Oh they were forced together plenty of times-- more times than James could count, to be honest-- but they never spent time together just to talk, as friends. Of course, that was probably because they weren't friends. The chance of friendship had been hexed into oblivion when they were all of two years old and their parents signed a marriage contract for them.

They didn't like each other, and that's all there was to it. James tried to stay optimistic and tell himself that they'd grow on each other after they were living together, but every time they were in the same room, his hope for that sank into nothingness. They glared; they sniped; they played pranks on each other that were more mean than entertaining. It got to the point where their parents didn't tell them the location they were meeting at ahead of time so they didn't have time to put anything together.

And that was all before they got to Hogwarts. After that, there was nothing their parents could do to keep them from picking fights with each other.

A month into first year, and they had their nights filled with detention. Their fellow Gryffindors had taken to shunning them for all the points they'd lost, which meant that they spent more time around each other; they just didn't enjoy themselves very much. A while later, they both received strongly worded letters from their parents telling them to clean up their act. At once. Naturally, James and Sirius both went out of their ways to make sure they didn't get caught as often instead of actually being nicer to each other.

When they were thirteen though, they called a truce. James was tired of polishing old trophies-- he was pretty sure he'd cleaned up Hogwarts's entire collection during his years of detention-- and he knew that Sirius was tired of checking his bed for traps every night before he went to sleep.

Calling a truce didn't make them nice to each other, though.

"What the fuck are you eating?" James asked.

"Toast, you berk. When was the last time you got your eyes checked?"

James rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I can see that you're eating toast, arsehole. I meant why?"

"Because it's breakfast. That's when most people eat things like toast."

"Toast doesn't have enough calories. You need to eat more."

"Don't tell me what to do," Sirius said, glaring at him.

Peter sighed heavily. "Aren't you two getting along? I thought you said that."

"What we said was that pranking each other was no longer worth our time," Sirius said. He then took an overly large bite of toast and chewed it angrily.

"It keeps the dormitory quiet, like you asked," James added. "Really, add beans or something. You're going to starve to death."

"I've managed to not die my entire life without you sticking your nose in my eating habits, and I will continue to be just fine without your input. So bugger off."

"I'll bugger off when you start eating more. You're going to get pissy halfway through Potions, and it's not going to get any better until hours after lunch. We did this exact same thing yesterday! And the day before. And the day before that, too. This entire bloody term, as a matter of fact."

Things continued in that vein until Sirius and James both stalked off for the library, ostensibly to finish their essays for Transfiguration. In truth, they had found out-- separately, of course-- that Remus was a werewolf and come to the same conclusion: the best way to help him out during the full moon would be to become animagi. Far more important than doing homework-- though their homework had already been finished.

It was the summer before sixth year, and they had had one glorious month apart. The Black Family had taken a trip back to Thailand, which meant that James had had a glorious thirty days without having to see Sirius or hear his parents tell him that he should go visit him.

Unfortunately, they were back in Britain, and their parents hadn't wasted any time in setting up a date for all of them to have dinner together.

James sighed but didn't put up a fight when it was time to get ready. He'd put up years of resistance, to no avail. Now that they were nearly of age, his parents had been cracking down even harder about his behaviour when it came to Sirius. He prepared himself for a boring evening of sitting in an uncomfortable chair while either ignoring Sirius or exchanging glares with him. The glares would be few and far between because it would involve actually looking at each other, and past that, they couldn't risk getting caught by their parents. They'd mostly taken to being silent while in the same room; it was the easiest way of keeping their truce intact, they'd learned. They didn't say a word to each other in the dormitory unless they absolutely had to.

He thought he knew exactly what to expect from tonight, which is why he was completely thrown when he saw Sirius again.

Sirius was... gorgeous. There was no other way to describe the changes to his appearance. It was nothing big. He hadn't experienced any major changes to his features, but he was different. He'd gone and gotten handsome in their time apart, and James couldn't put his finger on exactly what it was that had changed. All he knew for sure was that when he saw him, his heart skipped a beat, and he felt the familiar stir of arousal in his stomach-- a familiar feeling in general, but never when it came to Sirius. He didn't like Sirius. He'd never fancied him or thought about him with anything approaching happiness. He was stuck with Sirius, and that's all there was to it.

Except... well, except it felt different now. He couldn't take his eyes off Sirius. Or- he could, but his gaze kept going back to Sirius like they were magnets, drawn together. No one said anything to him about his staring, but he didn't fool himself into thinking that meant no one had noticed it.

After dinner, James and Sirius were left alone. The idea was that they could talk and get to know each other better before they got married. They'd never really used the time for that. Last year during the summer, they sat in separate chairs and didn't say a word the entire time. It had been better than the year before, where they kept poking at each other-- sometimes literally, sometimes only with their words.

This time, James felt too uncomfortable to sit. He crossed his arms over his chest and stood awkwardly. Sirius threw himself into a chair, managing to look graceful instead of flopping around like a fish out of water, which is what James looked like when he tried to do the same thing at home.

"Are you feeling alright?" Sirius asked. "You were acting weird at dinner."

"Fine."

Sirius snorted. Instead of annoying James like it usually did, he found himself reluctantly charmed. "Right, because this is what you act like when you're fine."

"If you're such an expert on how I act, then why don't you already know what's wrong with me?"

"I didn't say anything was wrong with you; I said you were acting weird. And you are. If you want to pretend like you're not, that's your bloody business, and I'm sorry I bothered to ask."

James wanted to snap back. At this point, it was a reflex. Sirius was right; he didn't have to ask, but he had anyways. Sirius had been under no obligation to ask if he was feeling alright, but he had. It was a sign of him reaching out. James had no idea why he had tried, but now that he was feeling differently, maybe he shouldn't discourage it. After all, they were going to be married. They were going to have to spend the rest of their lives together. He might as well try to get along with Sirius before they were forced to live together full time, with only each other for company in the house. (At least, alone until they had kids, but that was a completely different problem, one he didn't want to worry about for another ten years or so.) "No, sorry, I just... I dunno. I feel out of sorts." He forced himself to relax and sat on the couch. "How was your trip to Thailand?"

Sirius looked at him suspiciously for a moment-- likely wondering why he was asking-- but he replied, "Regulus was so nervous he barely left the house, but other than that it was good."

"Why was he nervous?" James asked, frowning.

"He thinks that he isn't fluent in Thai. Which he is. But because of it, he didn't want to talk to anyone or go to any stores, and if we went out to eat, he refused to order for himself."

"That sounds really buggering annoying."

"He's just a nervous sodding berk. At this point, I'm not convinced that he's made of anything but anxiety."

"Lovely."

"Mm," Sirius hummed. "What've you been up to this summer? Quidditch?"

"How'd you guess?" James said dryly, but he was smiling.

"Don't you think you practice enough?"

"Normally, yes, but I'm going to be captain next year. I need to do better."

"Right, because being better than everyone else at Hogwarts is a clear sign that you're slacking."

"Why Sirius, that almost sounded like a compliment."

Sirius tossed him a smirk. "Don't let it go to your head."

It was too late for that. Sirius was horribly attractive now, and on top of it, he was being nice to James. James didn't stand a chance.

"What the hell are you doing?" Regulus asked.

Sirius didn't jump in surprise-- which was good, because it would've ruined his eyeshadow-- but he was startled. Regulus usually couldn't sneak up on him. "Putting on makeup, what's it look like?" he responded evenly.

"Right, but why? You're going over to the Potter's; it's not as if you need to look nice."

Sirius ignored that. He decidedly did not appreciate the realisation that came across Regulus's face.

"You fancy him. You've hated James for years, but now you fancy him."

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean," Sirius said, putting down the brush and checking his work.

"You're a sodding liar," Regulus said, grinning widely. "I am happy for you. It would've been horrible if you married him while still despising him. That being said, does he know that you like him now? Because I don't think all the makeup in the world is going to clue him in to how you feel."

"I don't feel anything."

Regulus snorted. "Sure. Have fun getting lunch with your fiance."

"I will. You can have fun sitting in your room refusing to go anywhere or do anything."

"I will," Regulus said, sticking out his tongue because he wasn't nearly as grown-up as he liked to pretend. Fortunately, Sirius couldn't care less how grown-up he was or wasn't.

Sirius none-too-kindly shoved Regulus out of the washroom and checked his hair in the mirror. He didn't have time to do anything fancy, but he needed to make sure it wasn't sticking up or summat. Unfortunately, it wasn't behaving. He grabbed some gel and tried to tame it into place.

He didn't quite know why he was bothering. Regulus was right; if James still thought that Sirius didn't like him, then it wouldn't really matter how good he looked. And beyond that, there was the concern that, well, even if James did know that Sirius liked him and thought that he looked good, he'd seen Sirius looking all kinds of mussed and grumpy. It didn't make a difference how good Sirius could look now, because James knew how not good he looked first thing in the morning.

And all of that being said, Sirius was pretty sure that James fancied him. At least a little. Okay maybe it was a stretch to say that he fancied Sirius, but he definitely found him fit. His eyes lingered far too much and in too fond a way for him to still hate Sirius. Besides, he might be going over to the Potter's house right now, but James was the one that had asked him, not his parents. Sirius thought this might count as their first official date, and instead of making him nauseous-- like the thought of it had for so many years-- it made him excited. The two of them had spent their entire lives hating each other simply because their parents had gotten them engaged, but now they were finally talking. Sirius knew things about James that weren't connected to what bothered him and how much.

Moony and Wormtail blinked at them. "You're sitting next to each other," Wormtail said, stunned.

"Well spotted," Sirius said.

"Voluntarily," Moony added.

"Are you going somewhere with this?" James wondered aloud.

"I think mostly we're wondering what the hell happened over the summer. Do you like each other now?" Remus asked.

Sirius and James shared a look. Then they turned to Remus and nodded.

"That's... good, right?" Peter said. "Like, you're getting married next year. I was half-convinced you were going to murder each other, but you'll be fine now, right?"

"Yes, but I feel the need to point out that we wouldn't have killed each other. It's in the marriage contract," Sirius said.

"Please tell me you're joking," Moony said, making the face he always did when he learned about pureblood norms.

James shook his head. "Nope, it's in there. You lose your magic if you murder your spouse. Besides, we didn't hate each other that much."

"Could've fooled me," Peter said. "And, y'know, everyone else that's ever seen the two of you interact."

"Ancient history, mates," Sirius said carelessly. It was sort of ancient history, at least. He could see it happening again if he tried to kiss James and was rejected. Sirius was self-aware enough to know that he wouldn't take that rejection with grace. In fact, he knew that he would become positively impossible to live with if that happened. He was counting on that not happening, though. It's why he hadn't tried it yet. He was giving it time. Enough time that James should make the first move, in his opinion.

He had personally made the first several steps to repairing their relationship, so this one was on James. Hopefully, James would clue in to that before too long. Sirius was willing to wait for him to catch up, but that didn't mean he wanted to wait forever.

Sirius had his hand held out in front of him, admiring the engagement ring. James, he'd learned, was an incurable romantic. They had both known that they were going to be married the summer after their eighteenth birthdays for as long as they could remember. It had been a political move by their parents, and no one had been surprised that they weren't immediately in love with each other. Now that they were horribly, sappily in love, James said that he wanted for their engagement to feel different now.

There had been several stipulations to it, some of which Sirius was happily on board with, others more reluctant. The engagement ring, for example, felt nice. James had picked it out himself-- had designed it, actually, since he'd said that buying one already made didn't feel right. Getting a ring made Sirius feel like their relationship was different. He also liked James (half-jokingly) calling him Mr. Potter-Black when they saw each other first thing in the morning. It was sweet, even if it was clear that James liked to say it a lot more than Sirius liked hearing it.

The things- well, thing, because it was only the one thing that Sirius didn't like-- the thing that Sirius didn't like, leading up to the wedding, was that James said they shouldn't do more than some light snogging. He said it would make their married life feel more special if they saved the rest of their physical relationship for after the ceremony. Sirius saw the appeal to that in an abstract way, but in the tangible way, he was horny and James was sodding fit. Not to mention, he was a bloody teenager. He was never going to be more sexually frustrated than when he was this age-- at least, he hoped so, because if it got worse he was going to die-- and he had a boyfriend who he knew for a fact was attracted to him, and yet they weren't going to do anything.

This was his fault. He'd agreed to it. If he'd stuck out his bottom lip and looked James directly in the eye and whispered, "Please?" James would've caved. But no, Sirius had wanted to be a good partner, so he'd said they could wait. And okay, it's not like he really minded, and he had no intention of changing his mind, but it was impossible not to imagine what it would be like to be able to roll into James's bed and finally have a hand other than his own.

Point is, his engagement ring was gorgeous, and it was much nicer to look at the ring and feel butterflies in his stomach rather than stress about the fact that he was going to be a husband soon, and he didn't know if he knew how to fill that role.

Next to him, Regulus groaned in annoyance. "If I had known you would be this insufferable, I never would've wanted you and James to like each other."

"How rude," Sirius said mildly. "Isn't it pretty?"

"Yes."

Sirius looked over at him. "You didn't look at it."

"I've seen it before, shocking as the concept might be to you. I swear, falling in love made you lose half of your brain."

"Still smarter than you are."

"You're older; you're supposed to be smarter right now."

"Keep telling yourself that."

Regulus glared at him. "Don't you want to go bother James about something?"

"No," Sirius said shortly, and his brother raised an eyebrow. "He's busy all day."

"Then write him a letter, telling him how much you miss him."

"You know, Reggie, if my pining is bothering you, you're welcome to go read in another room. Say, your own?"

"What's stopping you from pining in your room? Why do I have to be the one to leave?"

"Because I was here first," Sirius said with a smile. "And you're the one who's getting annoyed."

Regulus hmph'd but didn't move, other than to sink down further in his seat.

Sirius turned back to admiring the ring. It really was gorgeous. He wondered if it would look better if he painted his nails. After a minute, he pulled his parchment back to him and wrote James a letter, as Regulus had suggested. It wasn't anything terribly important, and it didn't contain anything he hadn't said a dozen times before. He missed him, he loved him, he couldn't wait until they got to see each other again.

He sent it off, and it was less than an hour later that he got a reply.

Sirius,

I wish I had time to say more, but I miss you too. Everything's so sodding busy right now, but I should be free this weekend, if you wanted to spend some time together?

Yours,

Love James

Sirius stroked his thumb over the word 'love', treasuring it. It was silly and it made him feel like maybe he was too heavy in this, but James loving him was nothing short of a miracle. And it was a miracle he was going to appreciate every day.

#prongsfoot #fanfic #marauders #james potter #sirius black #regulus black #remus lupin #peter pettigrew #filled #hogwarts time #no voldemort au #getting together #siriuslystarbucks

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freddiekluger · 3 years

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please drop the essay length analysis Judas and Jesus (extra gay Swedish edition), O great and knowledgeable monarch of our times

alright, you ask i deliver! please excuse any typos, my eyes aren't exactly working rn

welcome to my probably super subjective but correct analysis, aka

Judas Was Right and Jesus Was A Victim (At Least, In Swedish)

Before we get started, a couple points: i’ll try to avoid comparisons to other specific productions, i’ve only seen the other recorded 2012 british version which i didn’t like for reasons including but not limited to the amount of white people with dreadlocks. Also, my understanding of swedish is limited to a couple words and phrases, so most of the lyrics i reference will be english subtitles from Ola Salo’s swedish translation and therefore might not be the most accurate !

There’s so much i could cover in this, but for now i’m going to focus on how jesus and judas are portrayed in the 2014 swedish arena tour of Jesus Christ Superstar (JCS) starring Ola Salo as Jesus and Peter Johansson as Judas, along with how this production more implicitly views god.

From the opening number, translated into swedish as En Dimmig Himmelsdröm (A Foggy Heaven’s Dream), Peter Johansson’s acting and semantic differences in the lyrics present us with a deeply sympathetic portrayal of Judas. Looking purely at language, the english equivalent Heaven On Their Minds instantly paints Judas as much more of a faithless doubter- lyrics exclusive to the english version like “all your followers have gone blind / too much heaven on their minds” and “they think you’re the new messiah / and they’ll hurt you when they find they’re wrong” strongly enforce Judas’ main motivation for his actions being that he has less belief in Jesus and God’s plan than any of the other disciples with strong statements judging the other disciples for following him and claiming that Jesus ISN’T the messiah. The swedish translation doesn’t paint exactly the same picture- the focus of Judas’ number becomes his fear for Jesus’ wellbeing, not because he isn’t the messiah (the production remains fairly ambiguous on this point), but because Jesus can’t cope. The root of Judas’ concern comes from fear for Jesus’ wellbeing, and the disciples are referenced as regularly misunderstanding and wilfully twisting Jesus’ words. The swedish equivalent lyrics for the above examples are “they say, “jesus is god’s son” / but you know how people can change” (judas isn’t concerned with truth, just the danger that jesus will be in if the tide turns), and “the kingdom of heaven is within us, that’s what you said / bu they sew it, stitch by stich into some kind of foggy heaven’s dream”. Judas is showing that he HAS been listening and cares for Jesus’ teachings, but ‘they’ [his disciples] are turning them into something else entirely, and Judas’ worries that the support of the masses is fragile at best- the lines “and everything you say gets twisted by your lackeys / it will be anything but what you’ve said” and “you are being used by people who want you in their battle” reinforces this again. When combined with Peter Johansson’s tough but tender performance, in which he dances between disdain for Jesus, the institution, and affection for Jesus, the man (an important distinction), Judas is the harsh realist doing his best to look out for the man he loves. The way he takes Jesus hands and looks at him with love and urgency straight away establishes that his motivations are pure- Judas is doing what he thinks is best, even though it feels like no one will listen to him.

That was long, but En Dimmig Himmelsdröm is the perfect character introduction for Judas. He’s not totally unrecognisable, still delivering digs about ‘Jesus, the little carpenter’s son’, his manner is still rough and at this point we’re not sure whether or not the claims he makes about the disciples have any truth to them, BUT we can also see how much Jesus means to him, an important point that give context to the intensity of their future arguments and really makes the whole story much more heartbreaking.

This brings me to Ola Salo’s Jesus. Delightfully camp and queercoded, Judas describes him as being caught up in his own magic and mystery and buckling under the pressure, and he’s not entirely wrong. Throughout the first act, Jesus basks in the luxuries that being messiah can give him (the oils Mary paid for using disciple funds that were supposed to go towards helping the poor, him absolutely thriving in the shopping cart in What’s the Buzz?), and is shown actively avoiding any reminders of the seriousness of his position. He’s sick of the disciples asking him for a plan, he chooses the comforting Mary, who’s theme consists of telling Jesus everything is okay and he doesn’t need to think about anything, over Judas, who is less perhaps ‘cosy’ but is actively trying to warn and protect Jesus from an awful fate. During The Temple, he starts to crack as he’s overcome by the followers begging him to make him well, fear in his eyes as he raises his arms while frozen on the spot trying to avoid being devoured by the frenzy in desperate need of a messiah. Judas’ point about Jesus buckling under the pressure is starting to look more and more reasonable, and the dashes of showbiz campness add to the sense that much of Jesus is a persona constructed for the masses to give himself enough distance to prevent him from being crushed by the weight of God entirely. Jesus, the institution, prances around, lays his hands on his followers, and projects an air of easygoing calm. Jesus, the man, is scared and alone, and Jesus, the man, really comes out in Last Supper, but before we get there, I want to circle back to the Jesus/Mary/Judas thing.

Jesus, Mary, and Judas are presented as a love triangle: so much so, that Judas seeing Mary sing of her love for Jesus (I Don’t Know How To Love Him) is actually played as the inciting incident that sends him to the pharisees. Judas, the picture of the jealous lover, storms onto the scene, breaking them up and attempting to kiss Jesus, who instead shoves him to the ground in disdain. Judas, who is perhaps a little controlling, realises that any influence he had over Jesus has gone, and it’s likely a combination of jealousy and the knowledge that Jesus won’t stop that prompts him to head to the pharisees. In his meeting with the pharisees (known in english as Damned For All Time, although that phrase doesn’t appear once in the swedish), Judas’ expresses outright that “I’m the one who sees / Jesus, he can’t handle it anymore” “the truth is that this hysteria is making him lose control”, once he can get past explaining how much this plan of action feels like a last resort. He never even verbally or physically accept the pharisees’ offer of money, he denies it twice before it is eventually thrown over him after he reluctantly gives them the date and time to find Jesus- we never even see him pick it up, unlike other productions which show Judas grabbing for the cash and place a higher emphasis on Judas making sure he ‘won’t be damned for all time’, painting Judas as far more self serving. When it comes to Jesus, Judas is active- he’s running around trying to help, caressing him, embracing him, grabbing his hand, kissing him. They share countless moment of intimacy, especially at the start, establishing the fondness between them instead of instantly jumping to their conflict. When it comes to Mary (and admittedly, this is partially because she’s a secondary character- don’t get me wrong I still love her and Gunilla Backman does a brilliant job), she’s much more passive. Other than the much more gentle kisses in I Don’t Know How To Love Him and her penchant for dabbing Jesus’ forehead, she’s mostly just ‘there’. She cares for Jesus after the fact, and even when performing acts of intimacy like the oil and the kiss, she maintains a lot of physical distance- her songs touch on this as, much like Jesus (admittedly for different reasons), she actively distances herself from feelings to protect herself, so naturally she literally places distance between herself and the object of her love.

This brings me back to Last Supper, Gethsemane ( I Only Want to Say), and the kiss of death that broke all of our hearts. Throughout this segment, this is when Jesus, the man, really comes through, and it’s devastating. In Last Supper, he properly expresses the sheer amount of loneliness he feels, reiterating how he feels everyone will forget about him once he’s gone, and doesn’t really care about him as a man (”for you, my blood is not worth more than wine / for you, my body is not worth more than bread” “you will have forgotten me as soon as i give up my life”). This devolves into the disciples fighting each other and, you guessed it, ignoring him. For the first time, Jesus meaningfully lets out his anger, and as it turns to Judas, Judas does the same. Because of the set up of their complicated romantic relationship and the stakes involved, the amount of personal attacks and anger that comes out of Jesus and Judas’ repeated fights (which get physical) make complete sense- Jesus’ frustrations come from the fact that his entire fate has been predetermined and to him, Judas is just another instrument in the ways he’s been controlled (both with Judas being his betrayer, but also the way that Judas’ constant advice and interference with Jesus’ life (most obviously, the mary thing) are acted by Ola Salo as becoming increasingly frustrating to Jesus)- these frustrations are directed at their real cause, God, in Gethsemane. Judas’ frustrations come from the fact that no matter how hard he tries to help Jesus and keep him safe, Jesus keeps rejecting his efforts resulting in “all that we’ve built up [being] destroyed”- Judas’ heart hasn’t just been broken by Jesus rejecting him romantically, but on every level. Here, he’s actually shown to be the disciple most passionate about helping people practically and long term, being the only one concerned about Mary taking money which was supposed to help people, manipulated by the pharisees with the promise of doing good for the masses, and criticising Jesus for how they could be doing so much for people, ending his part of Last Supper with “every time i look at you i ask myself why you let all your things go so wrong? / all i ever wanted was to help you”.

This is also the point where Judas’ claims about the disciples are essentially confirmed, and this productions intent to portray Judas as more of a tragic hero become absolutely clear. In the english version, the disciples chorus remains virtually the same each time it appears, generally being far too calm considering their leader is about to die, revealing their aspirations to be apostles, and their intent to write the gospels to be remembered. the swedish translation still achieve this, but with variations from chorus to chorus it becomes much more poignant. i’m just going to stick to ttwo, which are choruses 1 and 3. In chorus 1, lines roughly translate to “i’ve always wanted to be an apostle / life is so nice when you’re saved/ then when we’ve got time we’ll write the gospels / then everything will be the way we want”- the apostles declaring that life is so good when you’re saved supports Judas’ opening statement that they care more about some idea of heaven than anything else, not to mention ignoring the absolute horrors that Jesus will have to go through to be saved, while the final line about the gospels introduces their intent to change whichever details they need to make ‘everything the way we want’: once again, exactly what Judas warned us of in En Dimmig Himmelsdröm. In chorus 3, taking place after Judas storms out for the last time, these lines change to “never really liked that judas / never saw what jesus saw in him / then, when we’ve got time we’ll write the gospels / and we’ll angle it so he gets all the blame”. Judas as a sympathetic character is confirmed here, as the disciples straight up admit how they don’t like Judas anyways and intend to write him as a villain (also inadvertently admitting that, since they have to write the gospels to make it look like only Judas’ fault, Judas isn’t really the sole one responsible for everything that is to come). It’s deeply unsettling, and for me was the point where I really began to question how good any of these disciples were, and by extension, how good is this production’s God if his truly sanctified followers are acting like this?

Jesus vents out all of his anger and desperation in Gethsemane. He acknowledges his own powerlessness and begs him to change the plan, but with the dark stage and no response (along with Ola Salo’s spectacular acting) it becomes clear that if anyone is there, they’re certainly not listening (”you, who have all the power / can you please change the plan / for i can already feel the pain burning in me”). It’s worth mentioning that a lot of the imagery in this swedish version is much more intense than the english, both in this song and the production as a whole. Jesus plainly calls god “thoughtless”, begging to understand, and it’s that this point we realise that he agrees with much more of what Judas has been saying than he’s been letting on- Jesus’ faith appears to be the only thing keeping him from listening to Judas and running away. Judas’ messages about people misunderstanding Jesus’ words also come out (”you care that everyone sees / but not that anyone understands”), and his eventual agreeing to die is played less as an inspiring act of faith, and more an act of desperation as he realises, he realise has no other choice. In this song, we see just how much of Judas Jesus has valued and taken on board, and that his air of carefree aloofness which frustrated Judas was, as we’ve already touched on, a complete act. The line “might as well finish what i’ve... what YOU’VE started” is absolutely miserable, reinforcing one of the major themes of this production: the idea that Jesus and Judas were both just ordinary men tormented by futures defined by forces out of their control. Just as Jesus has absorbed Judas’ logic, as an audience so we have, and it’s difficult to view the rest of the play’s events as anything other than an immense and unnecessary act of cruelty.

we’re almost done i promise!

Even knowing what Judas has/will do, Jesus still greets him with love. Judas, still under the impression that Jesus will be okay and that he’s doing what’s best, approaches him with the utmost tenderness, and the kiss is a beautiful signifier of two things. For Jesus, the return of his love for Judas shows his realisation in Gethsemane that Judas isn’t the one who’s sealed his fate and has only being trying to help, it’s god himself who has decided Jesus’ future. For Judas, the kiss shows that despite all of the anger and frustration that has been pouring out of him, he truly does love Jesus, and the way he cradles the scared and alone Jesus to his chest afterwards shows just how much he wishes he could be the one to help him and keep him close. Even with all their arguments and dysfunction, here Jesus and Judas find comfort in each other, and it almost seems like everything will end up alright. It’s in this moment that Judas and Jesus are most identifiable not as enemies, or as villain and hero, but as archetypal lovers from a Shakespearean tragedy. Neither of them set out to hurt each other, but through miscommunications, their own flaws, and external forces (both natural and supernatural), their love is simply never to be. Furthermore, in the following torture and spectacle, everything that Judas predicted for Jesus is about to come true. Another detail I find interesting is the way that Jesus and Judas both sport black nail polish, leather pants, and similar length hair: along with just looking cool as hell, the similarities really reinforce how close they are and how much they influence each other- it feels like a contemporary version of carrying a cameo or a lock of your lover's hair with you, a way for 'star crossed lovers' to keep a piece of their beloved no matter what.

The disaffected persona of Jesus, the institution, comes back as he’s taken by the authorities and subsequently insulted, degraded, and whipped. Also the swedish version of The Arrest, when the chorus starts singing questions, contains this dick joke and I think we all deserve it: “why were you dating a whore? / talk about a huge magic wand!”

Skipping forward to Judas’ Death, this is where both his character and the production’s conception of god beautifully (and miserably) align. When Judas runs to the pharisees, minor semantic changes (along with the genuine concern and great acting from Peter Johansson) reinforce that this Judas genuinely didn’t know that Jesus would be beaten and sentenced to death the way he has been, and Judas’ concern regarding how things look is played less as ‘oh no people will hate ME!’, but how having sentenced the man you love to death is one nightmarish thing, but for everyone to think you did it knowingly and willingly and then congratulate you for it is unthinkable. Where the english shows Judas’ attempting to evade responsibility for Jesus death, the swedish is more focused on Judas’ guilt, horror, and regret. The english “I’d save him all the suffering if I could / don’t believe our good / save him if I could” is swapped in swedish for “If anyone should die here I should / don’t say I’m good / better if I died”. While the english statements are somewhat empty (sure, Judas says he’d save Jesus’ suffering if he could, but he can’t so we’ll never truly know) and are still focused on Judas’ attempt to construct himself as a good guy, the swedish translation has Judas admit his guilt (even if it’s not really his fault), and make the promise of “better if i died” which, given the name of this sequence, he later delivers on. When english Judas sings “Christ, I’d sell out the nation / For I have been saddled with the murder of you”, swedish Judas sings “Jesus, I’ve been deceived / because of my act your blood’s now being spilt”, and instead of ending this first section with “I should be dragged through the slime and the mud”, swedish jesus returns to the theme of character assasination with “i will be cursed as the one behind your murder”.

The swedish translation of the next rework of I Don’t Know How to Love Him also places much more emphasis on Judas’ genuine romantic love for Jesus- we’d be here for hours if i listed everything but here are a few key contrasts. The english has Judas sing “I don’t know how to love him / I don’t know why he moves me”, whereas the swedish has Judas crying while singing “how do I show my love / all I want is to be close to you”. Along with acknowledging Judas already loves Jesus, the entirety of this segment is shifted from Judas singing about Jesus in the third person ‘he’, to a direct address. Judas isn’t performing his sadness, or venting his emotions, he’s emitting one last desperate cry to the man he loves as he sobs on a stage completely shrouded in darkness, and it’s devastating. Peter Johansson lets his voice run raw as he’s belting, and interrupts lines with sobs, and this Judas answers the question of “do you love me too? do you care for me?” with a quiet “no”- Judas is about to go to his death convinced Jesus must hate him, just as Jesus will face his knowing his love inadvertently put him there.

We finally reach Judas’ actual death, and the production’s far more ambiguous (if not negatively geared) depiction of god comes to a head. Judas’ screaming at god the moment he realises that his god essentially forced Judas to be the one to kill Jesus (an act of ultimate cruelty given their love) comes across as horrifying in it’s validity, unlike in other english language productions where it follows the more common characterisation of Judas being an unbeliever who can’t take responsibility for his own actions. When he spits on the ground, screaming “you have murdered me!”, we can’t help but agree- Judas was trying everything he could to stop Jesus from dying, and yet here he is. Most notably, Judas doesn’t set up his own suicide- a noose literally descends from the heavens, already tied, and Judas is literally trapped between the edge of the stage, and the symbol of death behind him. Much like he didn’t choose to kill Jesus, Judas has no choice in his own suicide- it’s suggested to merely be another part of the plan god has for him, and Judas raising his arms to form a crucifixion pose before he finally turns and jumps, disappearing into the depths of the theatre as the rope trails down (somewhat evocative of a leap to hell), highlight the sick joke. Much like Jesus begging in Gethsemane, a plea with god that in anyway implies fault or cruelty is met with silence followed by a death sentence.

When Judas reappears to the broken and bloodied Jesus in Superstar, he appears as more of a twisted hallucination than the literal spirit of Judas. He’s the opposite of everything he was in life, draped in colour, surrounded by red lighting instead of the signature blue, his hair quite literally let down, joking and dancing. Despite singing about him, Judas virtually ignores Jesus for the whole song except when he’s taunting him, snatching his hand away after a broken and desperate Jesus reaches out for the image of his beloved (refuting Judas’ belief that Jesus would die hating him), along with the swedish additions of Judas repeatedly addressing him as “little Jesus”. Where the living Judas was serious, sometimes harsh but always well intention, often paying more attention to Jesus than he received, this Judas is the opposite: light hearted but cruel, not caring about Jesus one bit. It’s somewhat an inversion of the beginning of JCS, where the tormented Judas was constantly reaching out to Jesus, and often met with scorn and insult (see: most of their arguments, this line from Everything’s Alright: “the thought is beautiful but quite unrealistic / yes, even quite stupid”). As the song goes on, and even as Jesus is crucified, the victorious scoring of the Superstar theme ends up reinforcing the cruelty and questioning of god distinctive of this production: Ola Salo’s Jesus is one of the bloodiest Jesus’s (Jesii?) I’ve been able to find, with blood covering his torso, his arms, and all over his face, not in passive dribbles, but violent ‘swooshes’ spreading out from his eyes, emphasising the fear and pain contained within them. As the music suggests how great and wonderful Jesus’ death is, the images straight out of a horror movie before us don’t seem to match up: as both Judas and Jesus question, if no one is understanding what Jesus is saying, why kill him? instead of making a point, you’re ensuring that the falsehoods continue to circulate, unless spreading the true message isn’t really the intent at all. or, simply that Jesus was wrong: his interpretation and teachings of god were far too kind and practical, and the true god really is the one that he briefly saw in the garden of Gethsemane, and that Judas saw before his death- a cruel and vindictive god using them for his own sick purposes. If you're a strong Christian, I'm sure you could watch this production and still believe that God was right (although I think Jesus and Judas being in love counts as blasphemy), but I think in doing so you'd lose part of what makes this production so hard hitting and, as i keep saying, devastating.

that’s pretty much it for this one! i feel like jesus and judas as a queer couple is less significant to this production than the fact that it’s specifically jesus and judas that are in love - they don’t face explicit homophobia as such, although i do think the paratextual and historical associations of queerness (both with them each looking visibly queer, and them as a couple) adds a beautiful dimension by subverting the standard christian teaching of Jesus’ sacrifice as “a love that changed the world” and making the love that truly could have been transformative (and was, to a degree) the love between Jesus and another man, not to mention the way in which queerness is often viewed as radical perfectly upholding the ‘radical’ views of god and the story of Jesus shown in the production. Why wouldn’t the love between two men be the love which has us questioning god, faith, and that which many of us have been taught since birth? Ola Salo has talked about how he’s able to be positive and negative towards christianity, along with how he wanted Jesus and Judas to really represent two sides of the same coin (’faith and intelligence’), and being bisexual along with having alluded to being raised christian (not to mention Breaking Up With God, a song by his band The Ark), it’s not surprising he’s managed to present such a nuanced and layered interpretation of Jesus Christ Superstar that even me, a trans exvangelical, can fall in love with.

UPDATE: @bands-and-hobbits has just let me know that Ola's dad was a priest! Apparently he's said that he liked the organs and the music, but that was all when it comes to christianity, which (when combined with Ola stating in interviews that the JCS soundtrack has been one of his favourite albums since he was 14) makes a lot of sense about the level of familiarity he had with the text giving him confidence to go in and make changes to really capitalised off of some of the themes that are hinted at in the english version- you have enough information to understand how everything works together, but aren't so dedicated to preserving belief that you feel you can't improve/change things (and my god are we glad he did)

#thank you if you made it this far!#also the inherent rhythm in swedish as a language just makes all of the songs sound better i'm gonna say it #english is really hit and miss when it comes to music and can get especially clunky with musicals requiring exposition #also sorry there's so much i've left out !#anyways enjoy #jesus christ superstar #jesus christ superstar swedish arena tour 2014 #jcs #peter johansson #ola salo #also i have barely edited this so i hope it's coherent

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lochtayboatsong · 3 years

Text

The Jesus Christ Superstar essay absolutely no one asked for.

Last weekend, I watched the pro-shot of the 2012 arena tour of Jesus Christ Superstar starring Ben Forster, Tim Minchin, and Melanie C, because it was Easter and it was up on YT for the weekend. I never managed to do my annual listen-through of Leonard Bernstein’s Mass this year, as is my usual Easter tradition, so I figured “Why not watch/listen to this instead?” It was my first time seeing and hearing JCS in full, and Y’ALL, it has been living rent-free in my brain ever since. I have a mighty need to get my thoughts out, so here they are, in chronological order by song.

1) Prologue: I love the way JCS 2012 makes use of the arena video screen. The production design and concept clearly took a lot of inspiration from the “Occupy ______” movement, which makes it feel a bit dated now. But every single production of JCS is a product of its time period, so this is a feature and not a bug.

2) Heaven On Their Minds: This is a straight-up rock song. It wouldn’t be out of place on any rock and roll album released between 1970 and 2021, and it boggles my mind that Webber and Rice were both in their early twenties when they wrote it. Also, the lyric “You’ve begun to matter more than the things you say” hits hard no matter the year.

3) What’s the Buzz: A+ use of the arena screens again, this time bringing in social media to set the tone. Also, this song establishes right from the outset that Jesus is burnt out and T I R E D by this point in the story. Seriously, can we just let this man have a nap?

4) Strange Thing Mystifying: Judas publicly calls out Mary and Jesus claps back. Folx, get you a partner who will defend your honor the way Jesus defends MM in this scene. Also Jesus loses his shoes and is mostly barefoot for the remainder of the show.

5) Everything’s Alright: Okay, this is one of the songs I have A LOT to say about. First, it’s important to know that I was a church musician throughout all of my adolescence and into my early adulthood. The pianist at the services I usually played at was a top-notch jazz pianist, and also my piano teacher for about six years while I as in high school and undergrad. (Incidentally, I had a HUGE crush on his son, who was/is a jazz saxophonist and clarinetist and also played in the church band, but that’s a story for another day.) One of the hymns we played a few times a year was called “Sing of the Lord’s Goodness,” which is notable for being in 5/4 time. Whenever this hymn was on the schedule, it was usually the recessional, or the last song played as the clergy processed out and the congregation got ready to leave, so we were able to have some fun with it. After a couple verses the piano player and his son would usually morph it into “Take Five,” a famous jazz standard by Dave Brubeck which is also in 5/4 time. Anyway, the first time I listened to this song in full, it got to Judas’s line “People who are hungry, people who are starving,” and I sat bolt upright and went “HOLY SHIT THIS IS ‘SING OF THE LORD’S GOODNESS/TAKE FIVE.’” And I was ricocheted back in time to being fourteen and trying to keep up with this father/son duo in a cavernous Catholic church while simultaneously making heart-eyes at the son. Final note: This is the only song in the musical to feature all three leads (Jesus, Judas, and Mary Magdalene) and is mostly Jesus and MM being soft with each other in between bouts of Jesus and Judas snarling at one another.

6) This Jesus Must Die: I LOVE that all the villains in this production are in tailored suits. LOVE IT. Also, Caiaphas and Annas are a comedy duo akin to “the thin guy and the fat guy,” except in this case it’s “the low basso profundo and the high tenor.” Excellent use of the arena video screen again, this time as CCTV.

7) Hosanna: My background as a church musician strikes back again. It honestly took me two or three listens to catch it, but then I had another moment of sitting bolt upright and going “HOLY SHIT THIS IS A PSALM.” Psalms sung in church usually take the form of call-and-response, with a cantor singing the verses and the congregation joining in for the chorus. If I close my eyes during this song, I have no trouble imagining Jesus as a church cantor singing the verses and then bringing the congregation in for the “Ho-sanna, Hey-sanna” chorus.

8) Simon Zealotes: This is part “Gloria In Excelsis” and part over-the-top Gospel song. Honestly it’s not my favorite, but it marks an important mood change in the show. The end of “Hosanna” is probably Jesus at his happiest in the entire show, and then Simon comes in and sours the mood by trying to tip the triumphant moment into a violent one. Jesus is not truly happy again from this moment on.

9) Poor Jerusalem: Also not my fave. It kinda reads like Webber and Rice realized that Jesus didn’t have a solo aria in Act I, so they came up with this. But it has the distinction of containing the lyric, “To conquer death you only have to die,” which is the biggest overarching theme of the story.

10) Pilate’s Dream: Pontius Pilate might be the most underrated role in this entire show, and I love that this production has him singing this song while being dressed in judge’s robes.

11) The Temple: The first half of this is one of the campiest numbers in Act I, at least in this production, and it’s awesome. The second half is one of the saddest, as Jesus tries to heal the sick but finds there are too many of them. Also the whole scene is almost entirely in 7/8 time, which I think is just cool.

12) I Don’t Know How To Love Him: Mary Magdalene’s big aria, and one of the songs I knew prior to seeing the full-length show. This production has MM taking off her heavy lipstick and eye makeup onstage, mid-song, which is kind of cool. Melanie C says in a BTS interview that MM’s makeup is her armor, so this is a Big Symbolic Moment.

13) Damned For All Time: The scene transition into this song is played entirely in pantomime, and I love it. The solo guitarist gets to be onstage for a bit, A+ use of the video screen again to show Judas on CCTV, etc. Love it. And then this song is Judas frantically rationalizing what he’s doing, and what he’s about to do, with Caiphas and Annas just reacting with raised eyebrows and knowing looks.

14) Blood Money: This is where the tone of the show really takes a turn for the dark. I think this might be one of Tim Minchin’s finest moments as Judas, because his facial expressions and microexpressions throughout this scene speak absolute volumes. And the offstage chorus quietly singing “Well done Judas” as he picks up the money is a positively chilling way to end Act I.

15) The Last Supper: Act II begins with major “Drink With Me” vibes. (Except JCS came WAY before Les Miz, so it’s probably more accurate to say that “Drink With Me” has major “The Last Supper” vibes.) Jesus and Judas have their knock-down, drag-out fight, and it’s honestly heartbreaking, thanks again to Tim Minchin’s facial expressions. A well-done production of JCS will really convey that Jesus and Judas were once closer than brothers, even though their relationship is at breaking point when Act I begins.

16) Gethsemane: This is Jesus’s major showpiece and one of my faves. Jesus knows he has less than 24 hours to live, he knows he’s going to suffer, and worst of all, he doesn’t know whether it’s going to be worth it. It’s an emotional rollercoaster to watch and to perform, and it goes on for ages: something like 6 or 7 minutes. Fun fact: the famous G5 is not written in the score. Ian Gillan, who played Jesus on the original concept album, just sang it that way, so most subsequent Jesuses have also done it that way. Lindsay Ellis has a great supercut of this on YT. John Legend notably sang the line as written during the 2018 concert.

17) The Arrest: Judas’s Betrayer’s Kiss is played differently across different productions. The 2012 version is pretty tame - I’ve seen clips and gifs of other productions, including the 2000 direct-to-video version, where they kiss fully on the mouth and have to be dragged apart by the guards and it is THE MOST TENDER THING. Then the 7/8 riff from “The Temple” comes back and the 2012 version lets the video screen do its thing again as Jesus is swarmed by reporters.

18) Peter’s Denial: Not much to say about this one, as it’s basically a scene transition. But it’s a significant moment in the Passion story, so I’m glad they included it.

19) Pilate and Christ: The 2012 production continues with the theme of Caiaphas, Annas, and Pilate all being bougie af, since Pilate intentionally looks like he just came from tennis practice during this scene. Also he does pilates...hehehe.

20) King Herod’s Song: Tim Minchin says in a BTS interview that JCS works best when Jesus and Judas are played seriously and the rest of the production is allowed to be completely camp and wild and bizarre all around them, and he is bloody well CORRECT about that. Case in point: King Herod. There is not a single production of JCS that I know of where Herod is played “straight.” He’s been played by everyone from Alice Cooper to Jack Black, and everyone puts a different zany spin on him. In JCS 2012 he’s a chat show host in a red crushed velvet suit, who is clearly having the time of his LIFE.

21) Could We Start Again Please: This is another of my faves. Just a quiet moment where MM, Peter, and the disciples try to grapple with the fact that Jesus is arrested and things are going very, very badly. This is also my favorite Melanie C moment of the 2012 show. Her grief is very real, and the little moment she has with Peter at the end is very real.

22) Death of Judas: This is basically Tim Minchin screaming for about five minutes, and incredibly harrowing to watch on first viewing.

23) Trial Before Pilate: Possibly my single favorite scene in the entire 2012 production. This is another harrowing watch, but there’s so much to take in. The “set” that the entire show takes place on is essentially just a massive staircase, and the people with power are almost always positioned above the people without power. In this scene, the crowd shouting “Crucify Him!” is positioned above Pilate, which is a very telling clue to Pilate’s psychology during this scene. Jesus is at the very bottom of the stairs, of course. Excellent use of the video screen once again during the 39 Lashes, to show the lash marks building and building until the entire screen is a wash of red. Pilate’s counting also gets more and more frantic, especially starting around “20.” And all the while the guitar riff from “Heaven On Their Minds” is playing. Jesus’s line “Everything is fixed and you can’t change it” is played quite differently in different productions - here it’s defiant, but elsewhere (in JCS 2000 for example) it’s almost tender, like Jesus is absolving Pilate for his part in the trial. But it always ends the same - with Pilate almost screaming as he passes the sentence and “washes his hands” of the whole sorry business.

24) Superstar: The most over-the-top number in the show. Judas, who died two scenes ago, comes back to sing this. There are soul singers. There are girls in skimpy angel costumes. The parkour guys from the prologue are back. Judas pulls a tambourine out of hammerspace midway through the song. And Jesus is silently screaming and crying as he gets hoisted onto a lighting beam while all this is going on.

25) The Crucifixion: More of a spoken-word piece than a song, it’s Jesus’s final words on the cross over eerie piano music, and another harrowing watch.

26) John 19:41: An instrumental piece in which Jesus is taken from the cross and carried, at last, to the top of the stairs, before being lowered out of sight as the video screen turns into a memorial wall and everything fades to black.

So. I know I’m anywhere from three to fifty-one years late to this particular party, but I am on the JCS bandwagon now and I’m thoroughly enjoying myself. :)

#jesus christ superstar #jcs 2012 #jcs is all i have been thinking about all week sorry not sorry #ben forster #tim minchin #melanie c #andrew lloyd webber #tim rice

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paradox-psyc-hoe-sis · 3 years

Text

Peter Parker Fluff Alphabet

Peter parker x reader

Word count: 2.1k

Warnings: None, other than tooth rotting fluff

A/N: howdy! It's been 84 years since I last posted any originals so here's a fluff alphabet, I plan on doing quite a few more in the future! Enjoy - Aphrodite

A - activities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Between school, Peter loves to spend time with you in his & May's apartment. He sees the city so much while being spider man, so a cozy night in with pizza and Star Wars is his favourite thing. Peter will try and spend as much time with you as possible, but you both have tight schedules due to being avengers, so he'll take whatever he can get. He always feels guilty about not being able to spend as much time with you as he wants, so sometimes you have to reassure him that any time spent together is time well spent.

B - beauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

Peter is 100% about personality over looks, and he thinks the most beautiful part of you is your kind and caring nature. He loves your open mindedness and the fact you treat everybody equally, but he also loves the sarcastic and witty side of you. He values your personality loads, but it's just a plus that you're also the most gorgeous person he's ever seen.

C - comfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

When you feel down or a bit anxious, Peter can always sense it. He doesn't blatantly tell you, but he always shows you a lot more physical affection to make you feel better. He'll hold your hand and rub small circles on it with his thumb, he'll cuddle up to you and gently massage whatever part of you is closest to him, anything to physically distract you. If you're alone then he'll give you small pecks or the forehead - not only does it make you feel better, but it also makes him feel better too.

D - dreams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

Literally every day. When he's bored in class, when he's trying to get to sleep, when he sees something that reminds him of you; you're on his mind a lot, he absolutely adores you.

E - equal - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

It depends on the situation. When you're on a mission together and there's even a slight threat, he's automatically dominant and gets very protective of you. But usually he's quite passive, with a hint of dominance when he gets jealous.

F - fight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

You and Peter rarely every fight, but when you do have small arguments he's always the first to apologise. The only time you both have had a really serious fight is when you got badly injured after a mission and he got angry that you unnecessarily put your life at risk. However, he was still the first to apologise, as he couldn't stay mad at you for long.

G - gratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

Oh boy, Peter is SO grateful for everything you do. In fact, he's grateful even when you aren't doing anything. Just knowing that he has the most amazing and kind s/o in the world makes him so thankful.

H - honesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

You know pretty much all of Peter's secrets, so there isn't much for him to hide. Even when he does have something he wasn't planning on sharing, he always tells you. He knows you won't judge or tell anyone else, therefore he often uses you as a human diary.

I - inspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around?

You and Peter both changed each other for the better. Peter made you appreciate the small things so much more, and has taught you a lot about his favourite things, music, and science. Whereas you've taught him a lot of hand-to-hand combat, and love teaching him your hobbies & the languages you know.

J - jealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

Peter trusts you completely, so when he sees you spending time with another man then he doesn't really mind. He knows you would never flirt with anyone but him, but as soon as he sees the other person get handsy then he's automatically pissed. He's quite good at hiding his emotions though, so he'd only be slightly passive aggressive towards whoever is flirting with you. He knows you can handle yourself, but sometimes he just wants to make sure people know you're his.

K - kiss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Your first kiss was amazing. You had been dating for a few months and were spending the night at the avengers tower, in which Peter has a room. You were both cuddled on his bed, eating ice cream, watching Back To The Future when you caught him looking at you. You didn't have time to say anything before he leaned down and pressed his lips to yours. Before you could register what was happening, he leaned back with a crimson blush plastered on his cheeks. You cupped his cheek and pulled him back in, this time for longer. His lips tasted of the chocolate brownie ice cream he had been eating, but it was so wonderful and sweet that neither of you will ever forget it.

L - love Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

The first time Peter told you he loved you was mid-battle. You, Peter, Sam and Natasha were fighting a group of criminals who were trying to infiltrate Stark Industries - while fighting one of them, you looked over to your boyfriend when you spotted one of the criminals with a knife running up to Peter behind his back. In an instant you jumped over and saved him, using your abilities to your advantage. Once the crimumal was on the floor, Peter laughed, mouth agape, "I love you so much!"

You froze, completely shocked, not knowing what to do. It was only later that evening when you knew what you had to do, so you caught Peter in the hallway of the tower and kissed him, with as much passion as you had in your body. Peter responded quickly, one hand resting gently your waist and the other cupping your cheek. You both stood there for a few minutes, lips working in harmony, before you pulled away and pressed your foreheads together.

"I love you too."

M - marriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

You and Peter are still young, so marriage isn't something you both have thought about too much. Despite this, he knows that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, and eventually get married and start a family. He hasn't brought it up with you as he doesn't want to scare you off, but he knows you feel the same way.

N - nicknames - What do they call their s/o?

Peter has loads of cute pet names that he loves to call you, but also has a few silly ones from stupid incidents in the past. He still calls you 'apple' from when you first met and you spilled apple juice all down your clothes, but his signature pet names are 'honey' and, in private, 'baby'.

O - on Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

It's very obvious to everyone in the tower and at school that he's head over heels for you. He's constantly making heart-eyes at you, and is always talking about you when you're not around. He compliments you so much that you don't think he's ever said a normal sentence without letting you know how appreciated you are!

P - PDA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Peter isn't the biggest fan of intense PDA, but would go crazy with it when you're alone. When in public he usually sticks with holding hands, a hand resting on your thigh or around your waist, and small pecks on the temple. When you're alone Peter loves to cuddle, give you small massages of your achy muscles, and would happily kiss you non-stop. But Peter really loves the domestic affection you share, like when he washes your hair or gets to cook with you.

Q - quirk - Some random ability they have that's beneficial in a relationship.

It's almost like Peter can read minds. If you think about something small that you want, then he'll get you it the next day. You don't know how he does it, but you've always believed that your connection is more powerful than anything you've ever felt. Fancy red velvet cake for dessert? He's already there with a slice. Thinking about rewatching the Harry Potter movies? He'll suggest a move night just in time.

R - Romance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

Peter is very romantic, and likes doing a lot of the cliché things that happen in the movies. But Peter has a lot of creative ideas when it comes to dates and ways to spend time with each other, so you're always in for a good time. He would do anything to make you happy, no matter how cheesy and sappy it is.

S - support - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

He would do anything to help you achieve your dreams, and will always help you reach success. He studies with you, trains with you, and is there at your beck and call to make sure you know you're supported.

T - thrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

You and Peter don't really have a routine, but neither do you spice things up too much. You're always trying new things, and neither of you lead boring lives, so there's always fun stuff to do.

U - understanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

Pete is extremely empathetic with you, and knows you better than you know yourself. You've been through some stuff that he doesn't know too much about, but he supports you through everything that he can, and you always do the same.

V - value - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

Your relationship is the most important thing in the world to the both of you, but more so to Peter. He's lost too many people in his life, and the thought of losing you makes him want to die. You're his world, his life, and his one true love, and there's nothing more important to him than the bond you both have.

W - Wild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

Peter and you definitely have different love languages and show love in separate ways, but one thing that unites you both is the love of having you hair played with. When you both are cuddling and drifting off to sleep, peter will run his fingers through your hair, gently massaging your scalp. And sometimes the roles are reversed, you delicately toying with his soft curls, earning small hums of comfort when he feels your warm fingertips against his forehead.

X - XOXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

Kissing and cuddling is Peter's favourite thing. Being soft and vulnerable yet feeling completely safe means the world to him, and it's even better that he gets to do it to you.

Y - Yearning - How will they cope when they're missing their partner?

He barely copes. When you're on a mission and he's in the tower he has to find somebody to pester because he doesn't have you there to mess around with. Usually he annoys Bucky or Sam, but he'll be clingy with whoever is there until he has you back in his arms.

Z - Zeal - Are they willing to go to great lenghts for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

Peter would simultaneously kill and die for you, and sacrifice all he has left in the world. If it made you happy, he'd do whatever you asked :)

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polaroid15 · 3 years

Text

With Great Power...

Chapter 5: With great power comes a lack of self-care

Summary: May gets sick and Peter works himself to the bone taking care of her. Turns out his powers don't prevent him from getting sick after all.

Read on Ao3 HERE

-------

May is sick. Peter is losing his mind.

He bites his nails down to stubs and holds back her hair when she pukes out everything he’s tried to feed her. He helps her into bed and sits by her door long after he hears her breathing even out.

He can’t sleep so he scrubs the bathroom clean. When that’s done he cleans the kitchen and does his laundry twice. He grabs a pillow and blanket and lays down by May’s door, assured by her heartbeat, and wakes her up at four in the morning to help her choke down two fever reducers.

By the time sunlight streams in through the windows, he feels dead on his feet.

It’s worth it though. May wakes up with a temperature three degrees lower than the last time he had checked it. She kisses his forehead and ruffles his hair before taking a shower. She eats the entire bowl of soup Peter gives her and falls asleep with her head on his shoulder while they watch a movie.

For the first time since she’d gotten sick two days ago, Peter feels like he can breathe. His eyes droop, then close, and he lets go. When he opens them again it’s dark and May is gone. There’s a blanket tucked securely around his waist.

“May?” he croaks, wincing at the pain in his throat. He fights with the blanket and falls in an uncoordinated heap on the ground. “May!”

“Peter?”

Feeling lightheaded in his relief, Peter follows her voice to her bedroom. From the light in the hallway he can see her peer up at him from a heavy mound of blankets. She’s okay. She’s fine. “It’s almost one in the morning,” she says.

“Sorry,” he says shakily, straightening himself on the doorway. “I woke up and you were gone-”

May’s eyes soften in understanding. She pats the empty space beside her. “Come here.”

Without hesitation, Peter listens. He crawls into bed and lays beside her. She rests a comforting hand on his forearm. “I’m feeling a lot better baby. Everything’s okay now.”

“Okay,” he echoes, a deep relief making his eyes water.

“Thanks for taking care of me.”

He turns his head to look at her, barely finding her eyes in the darkness. “You always take care of me.”

“We take care of each other.”

It doesn’t take long for either of them to fall asleep.

-----

When Peter wakes up again the room is bright and warm with sunlight. Soft rustling sharpens his awareness over to May’s vanity. She’s sitting at the seat, running her fingers through her jewelry and selecting a jade necklace. She notices him through the mirror as she clips it behind her neck. “Did I wake you? Sorry.”

“‘S okay,” he says, mind cloudy with sleep. “You goin’ to work?”

“Yeah baby. I can’t miss any more time.”

“Oh.” Peter blinks to try to clear his vision and frowns when the effort is unsuccessful. “You feel okay?”

“Well enough,” she assures. She stands with a smile and grabs her purse. “You get some rest today, alright? Promise?”

“Promise,” Peter says. “There’s- there’s a gatorade in the fridge. Take it with you.”

May makes her way to his side and ruffles his hair. Her smile falls into a frown. “You feel a little warm. Are you feeling okay? I thought you couldn’t get sick-”

“Just hot from the blankets,” he says, though the more he thinks about it-

“Okay. Call me if you need me.”

With one final look of measured worry, May turns and makes her way towards the kitchen. He hears the fridge open before the front door does and smiles.

The apartment is quiet.

So quiet-

The next time Peter opens his eyes his stomach twists violently. With a watering mouth, the only thought he can muster is uh-oh, before he’s scrambling over May’s sheets to get to the bathroom. He barely makes it, catching himself by his forearms before heaving over the bowl.

Just like May, it never seems to end. He shivers and sweats and wishes she were here to help him. When it finally eases he collapses back against the bathtub and doesn’t have the strength to flush the toilet.

God, he’s thirsty.

It’s the only thing to get him onto his knees. After days of lecturing May about the importance of fluids, Peter can’t be one to ignore his own advice. He reaches for the tap and misses it by a mile. His reflection swims dangerously in front of his eyes.

“Tha’s not good,” he slurs to himself.

And then his eyes roll back up into his head. He isn’t awake long enough to feel himself hit the floor.

------

“Damn kid and these damn grey hairs-”

Tony grumbles to himself all the way from his empty lab to his car, and then all the way to the Parker’s apartment. The kid had been scheduled to come over hours ago and had never showed. It was more than unusual in itself, let alone the seven missed calls and thirteen unanswered text messages.

He checks on Karen, but Peter hasn’t been in his suit in days.

He texts May, but she doesn’t respond either.

He tries valiantly to convince himself that it’s nothing, that there’s probably a very safe and healthy explanation as to why Peter is dodging him. It’s not like he’s the kid’s father, for God’s sake. But no matter how hard he had tried to work in the lab alone the kid’s absence had made him too sick to his stomach to stay focused.

So here he is. The seventh floor. He knocks loudly at Peter’s door and frowns at the silence. If Peter’s wearing his watch, he should be here.

He should be here.

He knocks again.

Again.

With a dry throat, he tries to call the kid one last time. When his enthusiastic voice fills Tony’s ear via voicemail he shoves it back in his pocket and spends the next five minutes picking their lock.

Thankfully, no one sees.

“Hello?” he calls when it opens. The apartment is dark. “Peter? Are you here?”

There’s no answer. Pushing aside the invasivity of it all, he steps into the Parker home and shuts the door behind him. “Pete?”

Tony flicks on the lights and doesn’t bother to take off his coat. He heads towards Peter room but is stopped in his tracks long before he can reach it.

Because the bathroom door is open. Because he sees Peter sprawled out lifelessly on his back halfway into the hall. The fear that overtakes him at the sight is enough to freeze him until he sees Peter’s chest moving up and down in short, labored breaths.

“Kid!”

Tony’s knees ache when he slams them down beside the boy. He grabs at Peter’s fever-hot face and slaps lightly at his cheeks. “Wake up Peter. Come on buddy. This isn’t a good look for you.”

Groaning, Peter opens his eyes to slits. He looks up at Tony as if he’s the angel that’s come to bring him up to the pearly white gates and shudders against a cold sweat. “Tony?”

A delirious laugh bubbles out from his chest. He smooths back Peter’s hair and tries to ignore how his heart skips a beat at the heat rolling off his skin. “It’s Tony now huh? After all this time and you choose now?”

Peter’s eyebrows draw together in confusion. He shakes his head. “Wha’s happ’n?”

“You passed out on the bathroom floor.”

“Wha- why‘re you here?”

“Because you passed out on the bathroom floor dummy.”

Peter whines, his face paling behind the red hue of his fever. “Feel sick.”

“I know buddy. I’m sorry. I’m here to help. Where’s May?”

Peter considers this for a long time. “Mm. She’s sick too. Went to- went to work.” As if answering leeches all his energy, Peter’s eyes close and his head lolls. Tony shakes him until their eyes meet again. “Christ kiddo. You’re scaring me. I thought you weren’t supposed to get sick.”

Eyes shining with tears, Peter’s frown grows. “Tony.”

“Okay, we gotta get you up. Can you sit up? When’s the last time you drank something?”

“Don’ know. Tried. Fell. Don’ feel good.”

“I know Petey. I’m so sorry. Let me help you-”

Peter cries out before he can finish. The last of the color drains from his face quite suddenly and he goes boneless against the linoleum. Tony feels for a pulse and nearly cries at how erratic it feels against his fingertips.

“FRI! Call- call an ambulance.”

-----

Hours later, Tony sits beside May in Peter’s hospital room. The smell of antiseptic is giving him a headache and he holds his head in his hands, willing for the nauseating anxiety to leave with the pain in his skull.

Peter is okay, he tells himself. He’s fine. Stop worrying.

After some light threatening, the ambulance had arrived at the Parker residence in record time. Tony could barely keep up with their hurried descent to the street and had lost time in the ambulance. He had followed Peter as far as he could and then slid down the wall when the boy had disappeared.

Someone had taken a picture of him on their phone camera. He was too exhausted to yell at them.

He had called May. She was at his side in a matter of minutes.

She still is. Tony spares her a sympathetic glance. She’s sitting with her head resting on Peter’s arm, a wad of crumpled tissues held tight in her fist. None of them had thought Peter could even get sick, that it was outside the realm of possibility.

Turns out, he definitely can.

May catches him staring and offers a watery smile. “Thanks for taking care of him Tony.”

“It was nothing.”

“He was fine when I left. I was nowhere near this bad. If you hadn’t shown up-” she chokes and looks away.

Feeling a similar tightness in his own throat, Tony coughs to clear it before responding. “He’s okay now. That’s what matters.”

May nods slowly, but guilt still clouds her features. “He didn’t really sleep when I was sick. He spent every second taking- taking care of me.” She pauses, her mouth hanging open in unspoken words. Then, “when Ben and I found out his parents had died we were terrified. I never thought I’d be able to love him as much as I do. I don’t know what I’d do without him Tony. I swear to God. I’d die if I lost him.”

That makes two of us, Tony thinks. “He’s a good kid.”

“Too good sometimes.”

With great power-

Tony sighs. He stares at Peter’s lax face and feels something swoop in his stomach. “What can I do to help?” he asks.

May smiles weakly and threads her fingers through Peter’s hair. “You’re everything to him,” she says quietly. “You’re his idol, his hero. You’re there for him, Tony. You show up. That’s all I can ask for. You’re already helping.”

Biting hard on his cheek keeps his expression neutral, but he can’t prevent the flush that spreads across his face. He hopes May doesn’t notice. “He has the whole world on his shoulders. I wish he didn’t.”

“He’s a teenage superhero,” she laughs, though without humour, and hangs onto him more tightly. “Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever said that out loud before. My nephew is a teenage superhero.”

Tony chuckles along, rubbing his hands over his temples. “He can stick to walls.”

“Why- why the hell do we let him do this?”

Humming a non-answer, Tony shrugs. May’s eyes soften. “Ben would’ve been proud of him,” she says in a whisper. “I think- I think that’s why he does it. And why I let him. Ben would be proud.”

With great power, comes great responsibility.

“You’re a good Aunt.”

“Mm. I certainly try.”

“He’s going to be okay.”

“I know.”

Slowly, between them, Peter stirs. He blinks up at the ceiling as May smooths his hair back. Tony tries to ignore the way his heart skips a beat, or how he leans forward in his chair. “You back with us baby?”

Peter’s mouth turns up in a loopy grin. He stares at the ceiling as if it’s spinning. “Woah. Wow. Dreamt I was- I was Spider-Man. ‘S so cool.”

They both laugh. Peter smiles too even though he clearly doesn’t understand the context of the humour. He looks at May and some clarity leaks into his eyes. “You ‘kay?” he asks.

“Yeah baby. I’m okay. All thanks to you.”

“Yay,” he breathes. His head swivels heavily in Tony’s direction and his smile widens, which obliterates that last of Tony’s resolve to stay as stoic as possible. He feels his eyes well with tears. “How ya feeling kiddo?”

“High.”

“Yeah I’ll bet.”

Peter yawns and sinks further into the mattress. As his eyes flutter he says, “tired. Larb you guys.”

I larb you too, kid. More than you know.

The chairs suck, but May and Tony don’t leave his side.

Not even for a second.

#peter parker #tony stark #may parker #sickfic #fever #worried tony stark #tony stark acting as peter parkers parental figure #irondad #irondad fic #my fic #sick peter parker #peter parker whump #angst with fluff #one chapter to go!!

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