#petitedameoriginal

[penandpapertrails]

Staring Into the Abyss

Will I have the courage to stare into the abyss of suffering? Gaze into its darkness with trembling, yet not run away. What will it take to have that kind of strength to know the certainty of pain and sorrow in this life, and yet also believe in the existence of joy and comfort in the midst of it?

I will have to fully surrender and trust in God – in His goodness, faithfulness, mercy, and love – and everything that He is, allowing Him to lead me on a journey where I am not promised to be unscathed, but a promise that there is hope in the end. I’ll have the scars as proof of this hope that never fades – of the One who heals and has made me whole.

In the midst of doubts, chaos, and suffering, my only prayer is that it’ll lead me not into anger nor blaming. Even if I am not satisfied with the answers to the evil and injustice in this world, I’ll be satisfied with the conclusion and certainty of God and who He is.

[penandpapertrails]

[penandpapertrails]

I finally found the courage to pause. Days were whirlwinds, throwing me in every direction. It seems the worst has come to an end and there's a surrounding quiet. Still, my heart lays shaking with aftershocks from the fury of the rumbling earth.

[penandpapertrails]

October 10th

I long have contended with hope. To hope is not something I am used to. I’ve always found it difficult to be hopeful. Oddly, in the most trying of times, I found hope and I am adamant to keep it.

For without it, I will continue drifting with no destination in sight. My soul would have no anchor for every turmoil and storms awaiting. My feet would not find solid ground in this fleeting life.

One should hope... always. And this is not me preaching toxic positivity. Because I understand each and everyone struggles, and it is hard to find light in grim darkness. But if one understands darkness is only the absence of light, then light have always existed.

So if you are in one of your darkest days today - know that you can always believe there is light - so do hope for today. 

(Series 2020-03)

[penandpapertrails]

Of Fathers and Daughters

One would assume a father unconsciously dotes on his daughter the moment she’s born. You were different. You saw a fragile child - too precious to lose. The moment you laid your eyes on her you vowed to protect her with your life. You would do everything in your power to shield her from the pains, danger, and filth of this world, hoping that it is enough despite the bitter truth.

Seeing all her firsts was a marvel to behold. “Is this what fatherhood is like?” you wonder. More years pass and you realize not every first is beautiful. Sometimes, it is your little girl coming into possession of a growing curiosity and objecting to authority. You stay silent and observant and think this is just a phase that’ll pass.

She grows up to be quiet, yet headstrong like you. You believe that it’s a good thing when there’s balance. You try to keep her in check, but these days, you see a bleaker world told in the news and you feel like you had no choice but to be more headstrong. Your increasing concerns became fertile ground for seeds of fear. With passing years, discipline is what you can only provide to keep her safe and secure.

She’s now a young adult, and you no longer see eye to eye. No longer a mirror of yourself, but rather a whole different person altogether. You think, “At what point did it go wrong?” You only did the best with what you have. You reflected on the years of your childhood.

You were unwanted - a child born out of wedlock - an accident they say. Both your parents had other children from different partners, considering all things, it’s a miracle you had been allowed to come into this world. You always believed in a higher purpose for everyone’s life. You were not an accident.

Life became hard for you. A child that couldn’t afford to be one. You had to work at a young age to help out your family to survive. All you could remember from your childhood was being in survival mode since day one.

You’ve snapped back to reality. You have come to terms with your past. For your parents that passed, you have forgiven their sins. However today, it’s now your turn to atone for your sins as a father. You know exactly where it went wrong. The strict discipline only made her headstrong - intolerant of weakness. Seeing your fall was all the more confusing and enraging. Looking into her eyes, within all that seething anger, you thought you saw a glint of despair.

These days are quiet, yet without peace. There are more words unspoken between you and your daughter, a huge burden to carry for the two of you. As you rise in the early hours of the day, you whisper to the morning air, asking for forgiveness. You know this is the key to restore all that has been broken. The universe and God knows you are forgiven. So, you patiently wait another day to receive a genuine pardon.

Your daughter, on the other hand, is no longer angry, only confused at the state that you are in now. For she has grown accustomed to stern kindness and not gentle compassion. You, ever-evolving before her eyes, will always be a puzzle to her being.

She no longer sees your mistake, but rather her folly and inability to truly forgive. This is where her anger stems from. She’s angry because of the guilt and shame eating her up inside. If you only knew how much she looked up to you since day one and figuring out early on she’ll never be like you.

This time, help her see that she’s her own person and never stop until she does. Being a father is a lifelong commitment that ends only in death.

The relationship between fathers and daughters is more complex than what’s shown on the screen. Sometimes, doting fathers are only for TV and movies. Ones living and breathing in the real world are raw and unpolished. Becoming a father is being tenacious to transform into a better version of one’s self. There are farther grim realities out there when it comes to the stories of fathers and daughters, and your only prayer from day to day is that yours will have a hopeful and beautiful end.

(Note: This is a rough draft and might edit in the future.)

[penandpapertrails]

[penandpapertrails]

October 28th

My tumblr has turned 9 today. I can't believe I've kept up with this blog for 9 years. That's almost a decade. To remember this day, I'd like to write something for Petite Dame:

Dear Petite Dame,

I'm glad you finally found courage and strength, not by independence, but being solely dependent on the One who created the Heavens and the Earth. Not many will understand your love and passion for God, and sometimes they will mock you for it. Just remember, He was and still is the One who never left your side to love you unconditionally. Be forever grateful. Stand humble before your God and everyone around you. Remain in His love so you'll be able to love others just as He loved you.

You know where you're headed. Stay on the path.

Love,

You

[penandpapertrails]

[penandpapertrails]

SILENCE

Yesterday, I bade my words farewell

Pursed my lips too tight 'til they turned pale.

A shut mouth has no stories to tell

Refrained from even sharing tall tales.

Bitter daggers will no longer be hurled

Even the relished honey will cease to drip.

Because silence guards the tongue, unperturbed

Master and slave - silence has made of my lips.

[penandpapertrails]

Maybe this time, I've become wiser from my past mistakes.

This time things would be different.

But it has always been a one-way street, and to hope for crossed paths is mere wishful thinking.

I'm about to get lost driving down this one-way street. Making all the wrong turns and misreading all the signals - where I have seen green, had always been red.

Is it wiser to turn back around while I'm still not far off?

But what if at the end of a seemingly long one-way road is all that I have asked for? And what if it's not?

[penandpapertrails]

Where a mere man only sees a speck of dust in another's being, You see the fullness of us.

The darkness. The ruins. The brokenness.

Also, the light waiting to burst out. The meager hope to be changed and reformed. The relentless faith to be whole.

You saw the fullness of me. My wants, but most especially my needs I didn't see. You saw it all, and You desired to make me whole.

You are capable of seeing and looking at the fullness of me, with eyes unaverted where others may be disgusted, because of Your Great Incomprehensible Love.

For the fullness of me needs wholeness, and You are the missing piece.

[penandpapertrails]

MOURN

By Petite Dame

I bow my head and mourn for the death of the poet.

Who struggled, yet hoped. Who in darkness, found light.

In your frailty, you have been much stronger than a thousand men.

Where have you gone to? What have you been through?

Why go through all these, only to allow yourself be tainted and broken in the end? Until your last breath had left you, and you no longer cease to be?

If I turned back time is there anything I can do to change your fate?

Will you still be seeing with miracle-filled eyes, and a heart full of faith if I didn't wander off and left you?

I mourn in sorrow and regret for I have inflicted a grave sin.

I should have held on, kept you close, and never let go.

If only I have done this simple thing, there'll be no weeping.

But all I am left with now is remembering and wishing.

Remembering who we were, and wishing we still are.

[penandpapertrails]

10 Things I Love/Hate About You

You're my happy pill and bitter pill at the same time.

You make me daydream of what if's and could be's, but you keep me grounded in the idea of impossibilities.

You look at me shyly, but stare at her boldly.

Just when I thought you'd actually be interested in me, you go off with another lady.

I love waiting on you, but are you waiting for me too?

You make me believe in a future for us, but one with the end in sight.

You push, I pull. You pull, I push. Why don't we just pull each other close, and push others away?

Our mutual complacency brings me comfort, but it keeps gnawing at my mind at night.

Serendipitious moments encourage me that this is fated, but the harsh reality we live in tells me otherwise.

My mind and my heart is continually at war. An endless battle with no one backing down.

[penandpapertrails]

Night Musings #1

This endless breathing in and breathing out - still barely breathing.

Time looping from the present back to the past - will the future ever step in?

Unceasing waves of doubt rage under the night sky - the sleepless hour of wandering.

All is chaos, none is peace...

Yet the truth prevails - all these are temporary.

Each longing breath reminds us of life.

The soundtrack of the past will eventually stop, and the song of the future will break out in the silence.

In place of doubts is a space for hope and faith.

Yes, faith that this world is only temporary.

The sun, moon, and stars will fade away, and only One remains.

Creator of the heavens and earth, in Him I have faith, and He forever remains.

[penandpapertrails]

Impromptu writings before the new year #1

There are so many things I wish to write about - the countless thoughts that fill my head - but I want to sift out the impurities from the precious, honorable, true, and pure. This time around I'd like the light and truth to win because they never lie, nor betray. Only in reality there is deception. Hence, one cannot measure the truth filled with light and the reality filled with darkness on the same scale because they will never be one and the same. Darkness cannot fully exist when I let the light flood in every crevice of my being. Before this year ends and a new one arrives, I desire to rid myself of every what ifs, of once was and what can be, this thoughts that act like chains keeping me a prisoner of the past. Yes, now, I want to give hope and faith a fighting chance in my life. To live with unwavering hope and enduring faith is a long and narrow road. It is not an easy journey, but I choose to take it and to walk on it until the end of my days. I can choose and do this, not because of my own might, but because as I basked in the truth, I am fully aware I am not alone, and never will be. For You, God, are with me.

[penandpapertrails]

Regarding your poetry @northernwinedregs ...

It's like the childhood home I grew up in. Filled with memories - good and bad - that shaped who I am today. The small, cramped house where I daydreamed of castles and knights in shining armor and of perfection inside the walls of a depressing and crude reality. Despite all these far too many existing ironies and imperfection within those tiny confines - where my first heartbreak and greatest victory collided - it's where I always found solace and comfort.