#playing with my toys in the yard like the good ol days

[artbybai]

✨Vegito’s Outdoor Adventures✨

Plus a story in 5 parts LOL

[trashyswitch]

Lucy's Playful Day

Lucy is feeling playful, and wants to hear people laugh. So, she sets out to do just that, and gets more than she bargained for...

For @kanene-yaaay (If you like the Peanuts Gang, of course)

This was a fanfic I should've known would come up...The Peanuts comics have a few scenes of tickling, both tv animated and comic drawn. So I should've seen this eventually coming along...

I hope you enjoy!

Lucy was feeling quite playful as of late. She really wanted to hear the people around her laugh. And what better way to make someone laugh by tickling them?

The first person she really wanted to go for was: well, her brother! It made sense to go for him first, since he was home with her watching TV on the beanbag chair. Lucy snuck up to her little brother and started tickling his neck. “Tickle tickle!”

“Luhuhuhucyhyhy!” Linus laughed.

“Tickle tickle Linus! Let me hear that sweet laugh of yours!” Lucy teased.

“Nohohohoho, nohohohot nohohohow!” Linus giggled, before turning himself in the chair. “Stop it!” Linus grabbed her hand in the air and kept it away from him to prevent her from tickling him.

Lucy huffed and lifted her prissy little nose up. “Fine.” She pulled her hand out of his grip. “I’ll go tickle someone else then!” Lucy decided.

“Go ahead.” Linus muttered as he sat down at his chair.

Lucy rolled her eyes and walked out to the front yard of the house. She walked herself to snoopy’s dog house and noticed that Snoopy was lying down in the door of his dog house. Why his feet were sticking out, she didn’t quite know. But boy, was it hard to resist tickling the dog’s paws!

So Lucy snuck up to Snoopy’s little white paws, and started tickling them. “Tickle tickle tickle!”

From inside the dog house, you could hear the dog laughing and cackling while pulling the paws away. Lucy happily followed the paws and continued tickling him. “Tickle tickle tickle tickle!” She teased some more.

Snoopy squeaked and pulled his feet completely inside the dog house this time. Eager to keep hearing his laughter, Lucy crawled into the dog house to tickle him some more.

From the dog house, you could still hear Lucy’s little “Tickle tickle!” teases, and Snoopy’s high pitched little laughter. “Tickle tickle tickle tickle- EEEP!” Lucy suddenly paused as she felt something pecking at her neck. “EEhehehehehehe! Thahahat tihihihihickles!” She laughed.

A few seconds later, Lucy’s laughter stopped and a yellow little bird came flying out of the dog house. “Bye pretty bird!” She reacted for a moment. Then she turned around. “Alright snoopy. My turn again!” She declared. The house moved back and forth dramatically as Snoopy’s laughter filled the dog house alongside Lucy’s little teases.

Soon, the black and white beagle could be seen sprinting out of the dog house with a wobbly smile plastered on his face. Lucy ran out of the dog house as well, sprinting after the dog. “Come here you!” Lucy yelled after him. “I’m not done yet!”

Snoopy soon stopped in front of Lucy with a smirk, and waited for Lucy to run up. When Lucy was face to face with the dog, Snoopy gave Lucy’s face a big ol’ lick.

“AAAAUGH! I’VE BEEN KISSED BY A DOG!” She shrieked, running away. “I HAVE DOG GERMS! GET SOME HOT WATER! GET SOME DISINFECTANT! GET SOME IODINE!” She shouted as she sprinted to the house.

Snoopy giggled at this and walked back into his dog house with a job well done.

[A whole bottle of disinfectant later:]

Lucy walked up to Charlie Brown with a big smile. He was the next lucky lee to be tickled by Lucy herself! Of course like all the times, Lucy liked to start with the neck first. “Tickle tickle!” She teased.

“aAAAHahahahaha! Yohohou scahahared mehehehe!” Charlie reacted.

“Surprise tickle attack!” She declared, tickling up and down his neck.

“Ihihis thihihis nehehessehessahahahary?” He asked.

“Tickling is never necessary! But it is quite fun!” She teased with a giggle.

Charlie started to run away in an attempt to stop her. “Ohohokahay, thahat’s ehenohough- aAAAHAHAHAHAHA! NAHAHAT THEHERE!” He shrieked suddenly, curling his neck and waving his arms around.

“Oooooh! You’re ticklish on your scalp?!” She reacted, scratching his bare scalp. “I didn’t know that could be a tickle spot!” She reacted before stopping.

“Yeheheah...It tickles a lot. Sally tickles me there too.” Charlie admitted.

“That’s cute! Hey, try it on me!” She told him.

“Really?” Charlie asked, looking at his hand.

“Yeah! Try it on me!” she told him again, leaning back to offer him her head.

“Okay…” He reached his hand outward and scratched at Lucy’s scalp, not really expecting anything.

But what he got ended up being super surprising:

“EEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE! OH THAT’S BAD! THAHAHAT’S BAHAHAHAHAD!” Lucy laughed and squealed before running away from him.

Charlie widened his eyes and looked at his own hand. “Wow...Looks like I’m not alone in that fact anymore…” Charlie moped and hung hs head.

“Aww come on, cheer up Charlie! It’s cute!” Lucy suddenly showed up behind Charlie and started tickling his scalp again.

Charlie jumped out of both surprise and ticklishness. Charlie curled up and giggled into his hands. “LUHUHUCY WHEHEHEHERE DIHIHID YOHOU COHOHOME FROHOHOM?!” Charlie laughed.

“From right behind you, blockhead! Is your hearing going too along with your hair?” Lucy joked.

“DOHOHON’T CAHAHALL MEHEHE THAHAHAT! YOHOHOU’RE TIHIHICKLIHIHISH TOHOHOHO!” Charlie shot back too.

“Am not!” Lucy argued suddenly, removing her hands. “I am not!” Lucy shot back.

Charlie smirked evilly and scratched her scalp again. “Sure you’re not.”

“EEEEHEHEHEHEHE! OHOHOKAHAY, IAM! IHIHI AM! CHAHAHARLIHIHIHIHIE!” Lucy laughed.

“Yes, Lucy the ticklish?” Charlie teased.

“STAHAHAHAP IHIHIHIT!” Lucy begged.

“No way! You were right: tickling IS fun.” Charlie teased more. “When I’m the one tickling, I mean.” Charlie added.

Lucy finally ran away from Charlie and flopped onto the ground. “Ow! You’re mean!” Lucy whined.

“Can’t handle some tickling?” Charlie asked.

“I can’t believe you!” Lucy stormed off. “I’m tickling someone else. You’re too evil.” Lucy stormed off.

Charlie blinked and rolled his eyes. “Good grief...Such a drama queen.”

Lucy stormed herself all the way to the theater. Who was the Lucy’s next lee gonna be? Why Schroeder, of course! She almost never gets to hear Schroeder’s cute little laugh! It was almost a crime for that laughter to not be heard.

So, Lucy made her way quietly behind Schroeder and his red toy piano...Lucy always knew that the piano was basically the thing keeping the two of them away from each other. Maybe if Schroeder didn’t have the piano, he would be falling head over heels for Lucy. But maybe...just maybe...this playful attack could bring them closer together.

“Tickle tickle!” Lucy declared proudly as she tickled the back of his neck.

Schroeder’s hands flew away from the piano as a wobbly smile showed up on his lips in a matter of seconds. Quickly, Schroeder covered his mouth with both his hands.

“Hey!” Lucy stopped tickling and pointed her fists to the ground. “No covering up your smile!”

To try and get him to laugh, Lucy tried tickling him in the armpits. This gave Lucy the greatest reaction she could’ve ever gotten! Schroeder actually squealed! He even flopped backwards onto his back and started giggling. Lucy quickly removed her hands from his armpits before his shoulders hit the ground. Then, Lucy tiptoed to Schroeder’s left side and started tickling his armpits from the front this time!

“EEEEK! Lucyyyhyhyhyhy! Stahahap ihihihit!” Schroeder laughed, wiggling around and kicking his feet.

Lucy could swear this was true love. His laughter was the greatest sound in the world! Would you believe his laughter was greater than his piano playing?! Lucy certainly thought so! And that’s saying something! Schroeder’s piano playing was wonderful to listen to! But his laughter was truly the singing heart of his music.

Suddenly, Lucy’s thoughts were interrupted by strange and amateur-sounding piano playing...Definitely not Schroeder’s kind of playing!

When she turned around to see what was going on, she looked down and bursted out laughing:

Schroeder’s feet were hitting the piano while they kicked out! His piano was only playing the notes that his feet were playing, making some hilarious-sounding music (if you could call it that) to come out!

So it WAS Schroeder! Only it wasn’t intentional this time!

Lucy stopped tickling Schroeder and held her stomach as she laughed. “YOU WERE PLAYING PIANO WITH YOUR FEHEHEHEET!” She reacted.

Schroeder covered his face with his hands and was curling his knees to his chest. How embarrassing…

“Lucy, stop laughing! I bet you would do the same thing if you were being tickled!” Schroeder yelled back.

Lucy looked up. “Huh?”

Schroeder was suddenly right beside Lucy and was tickling her sides. But she wasn’t reacting.

Lucy smirked and crossed her arms. “Sorry Schroeder, I’m just not very tickli-HIHIHIHI HEHEHEHEY!”

“Oh really, Ms. Not-Very-ticklish? Then what’s this?” Schroeder asked as he tickled her ribs. “Hey! I can play chords on your ribs!” Schroeder reacted suddenly.

“EEEHAHAHAHAHA! YOHOHOU KNUHUCKLEHEHEHEAD!” She laughed.

“Me?! A knucklehead?! No way!” Schroeder lifted her arm up with one hands and started tapping his other fingers on the ribs. “C, D, E, F, G, A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Wow! I can almost play a whole octave on your ribs!” Schroeder reacted.

“SCHROHOHOEDEHEHER PLEHEHEHEASE!’ She begged.

“Okay, okay.” Schroeder replied, stopping his fingers. “I think Ms. Not-Very-Ticklish is all tickled out!” Schroeder teased.

If Lucy hadn’t been all giggly and tired from the tickles, then Schroeder might’ve gotten a pow to the face! “I can’t believe it! I DON’T believe it! You’re more evil than Charlie is!” Lucy accused.

“You’ve been tickling Charlie too? I didn’t even think Charlie was able to laugh…” Schroeder reacted.

“Yeah! And he’s ticklish on his scalp! Can you believe that?!” Lucy reacted.

“Yeah...I actually can.” Schroeder admitted. “He seems like that kind of guy.” Schroeder added.

“He does?” Lucy reacted, looking over at the screen. “How do you know?” Lucy asked.

“I don’t know. I just do.” Schroeder walked to the piano as he continued to talk. “Just like how you seem to be the ticklish armpit type.” Schroeder told her.

Lucy widened her eyes and gulped. How- How in the world-

It was then that a pair of hands had quickly slipped into Lucy’s armpits.

“EEEHEHEHEHEHE! WHOHOHOHO-” Lucy turned around and gasped. It was Snoopy! “Uh oh!” Lucy reacted. The egotistic girl took off running almost immediately and ran across the theatre past Schroeder and his precious piano. “SCHROEDER! HELP!” She yelled. “AAAAAH! HE’S GONNA GET MEEEEE!”

Schroeder giggled and watched. “Naaah, you’re fine. It’s just Snoopy.” Schroeder replied with a wink to the audience.

It didn’t take long for Lucy’s laughter to fill the theater along with Schroeder’s piano playing. The nicknames ‘Ms. Not-Very-Ticklish’ and ‘Lucy the Ticklish’ quickly proved to be the perfect nicknames for Lucy that day.

“HEHEHEHELP! HAHAHAHAHAHA! CHAHAHARLIHIHIHIE YOHOHOU’RE DOHOHOG IHIHIS TIHIHICKLIHIHING MEHEHEHE!” Lucy laughed.

Charlie walked into the theater and chuckled. “So that’s where you went…” He reacted. He looked down at the bowl of dog food in his hand. “Hey Snoopy: I have your food.”

Snoopy’s ear lifted up towards Charlie’s direction. Snoopy quickly stopped tickling and took off towards Charlie and the bowl of food. Snoopy sat down, and panted happily. Charlie gave Snoopy his food and walked over to Lucy. “You okay?” Charlie asked.

Lucy smiled. “My hero!” Lucy took Charlie’s hand. “See Schroeder? Even blockheads can be better heroes than you!” Lucy rised up onto her tiptoes and fluffed the little hair he had. Charlie looked over at Schroeder, who had gotten up.

“Hey Charlie. I heard you’re an evil tickler.” Schroeder mentioned.

“According to Lucy, I am.” Charlie admitted. “Has Lucy been tickling you lately by any chance?” Charlie asked.

“Yes, actually. She has. And you?” Schroeder asked back.

“Uh huh…” Charlie replied.

“Wanna team up?” Schroeder asked with a hand out for a shake.

Lucy’s little smile dropped and a gasp of horror filled the room. “Oh no...Not BOTH of you!” Lucy reacted.

Snoopy lifted his ear towards the boys and looked up with dog food covering his mouth. He licked his lips.

“Looks like Snoopy wants in on the tickle attack too.” Schroeder mentioned.

“Of course he does…” Charlie said with a smirk. “Hey Lucy:” Charlie said with a smirk. “You’d better get running~”

Lucy didn’t waste a second. She was off faster than Usain Bolt himself. And Charlie along with Schroeder and Snoopy, were off as well after the prissy ler.

Let’s hope she can handle 3 against 1...

[chinatea]

Jikook Sexy Alien AU Part 1

Personas are a product of @satellite-jeon​ ‘s beautiful mind.

This is WIP and still pretty drafty, and I’ll be posting new parts to tumbler as I finish them. I’m planning 4-5 parts overall. 

For my best girl @kmheart​ <3333 Thank you for loving this mess. <333

Warnings: Coarse language.

Jungkook doesn’t know exactly when his life took a dive from awesome to downright shitty.

And even if he did, he wouldn’t be telling that story any time soon ‘cause no one gives a rat’s arse about good ol’ boy Jungkook who scrubs pools for a living. 

It didn’t start that way. In high school, he was a local superstar. The golden jock. The whole fucking trope, baby. With titties of all caliber following him everywhere. Boy did love him some pussy. Dicks, too. He loved everything to do with sex, drugs and rock’n’roll.

He believed himself invincible and it was only a matter of time before he mingled with the wrong crowd. Only back then, he thought of them as friends. His bros for life.

Well.

Now, he cleans pools - the only kind of gig he can scrounge up nowadays, what with a criminal record and whatnot - and trusts no bro. 

And when he’s not cleaning pools, he’s stuck at the garage being bossed around by a dirtbag who happens to be his uncle. His uncle, Sunmu, hates his guts - one of those stupid homophobic fucks who can’t mind their own fucking business. Needless to say, no love lost.

As much as Jungkook wants to punch his stupid teeth out - what’s left of them anyhow - he needs the money and it’s not like his uncle can do much more than run his smelly farthole of a mouth. Which he does. At lengths. The dude just never shuts up. Until one day, Jungkook made him shut up - even his golden-boy patience has its limits. And the dude blew up, called the police, the neighbors came a-running, the whole nine yards.

One hell of a shitshow, that night.

So now, Jungkook has taken to bringing guys to fuck in his garage instead. Totally intentional. He knows the geezer, like the sick fuck he is, had cameras installed all over for his own perverse pleasure. So Jungkook lets him enjoy it while he can.

‘Cause once the summer ends, Jungkook will burn down his fucking shack and hit the road, because he’s this close to being done with the shitfucks that are hell bent on ruining his life.

Another day. Another mindless grind.

Luckily for him, the client has vacated the house for the day, leaving their big pool in his capable hands. A much welcome break from those rich fucks being all smug and pissy and all up in his grill about every little nothing. 

Rich tits always think they know everything.

Not to mention their shitty kids running around, destroying his equipment and yapping his ear off. Or worse yet, their old haggy wives flashing their saggy tits at him - goodness gracious, does his face say he’s into wrinkled-ass pussy or something?

He thinks the fuck not.

Jungkook plops down on a deck chair and pops a can of coke open, taking a long chug. When he doesn’t have people looming over his ass, he prefers taking things slow. At his own pace. That’s what he’s all about. 

As much as he could wrap things up faster and call it a day, he’s not looking forward to trudging back to the garage. Sunmu the dipshit would be there, of course, nagging at him with this shit or that and he’d rather chill out here - the house is off-limits, locked tight, but the scenery is gorgeous. The house sits on a cliff, with the pool area overlooking the city below. 

It’s private and quiet and damn therapeutic. Like, he could just close his eyes and pretend it’s all his. That he’s not a broke-ass dude about to keel over any day now, but someone who is in control of his life. 

And he does just that. Closes his eyes and leans back, cradling the coke to his chest like one does a lover.

Mind blank of any thought.

The sky above crackles in warning, too close for comfort. And it wakes up goosebumps along his skin as he jostles awake from his little moment of inner peace. His hands flap around, knocking his coke over - it drips all over his tank top. 

Nice, Jungkook thinks. 

Of-fucking-course, it must rain today of all days. He scrambles up to his feet, ready to start hauling all the gear back into his truck when IT happens.

At first, he is not even sure what IT even is. One moment, he’s one grouchy mess, spewing dozens of profanities at no one in particular while tugging at his stained top in a retarded attempt to shake the mess off. And the next-

Something, fairly massive and spherical, materializes a few inches above the pool before plunging into water like a dead weight. Jungkook can only manage an undignified squawk before the impact wave sends him flying into the thorny shrubs framing the pool.

Mother-fucker.

When he drags his ass back from the shrubs, drenched from head to toe and covered in scratches, all he knows is that his stained shirt is the least of his problems now, because this…

What the fuck is this? he thinks, staring agog at the offender, hogging the pool now.

It looks like…something.

Maybe a futuristic car or a flying vessel of some sort. He has no clue, really. What it is or where it came from, but it’s here, right in his face, obstructing his work. Like a bastard.

He’ll have to call up a tow truck or something to pluck this sucker out, which will take forever and there go his plans for Friday night out.

Jungkook walks around the pool, inspecting the strange contraption from all sides. It’s slick and round and very, very chrome. Perhaps - a submarine. Some ultra-slick technology with masking abilities. Which apparently can fly, but not very well, otherwise, how the fuck it’d ended up stuck in his pool.

Those rich fucks and their stupid malfunctioning toys, eh. 

Jungkook sighs and kicks the empty coke can lying about. It flies off towards the pod, ricocheting right off its shiny cask with a sharp clank. And now he has even more trash to dredge up from the puddle bellow. What joy.

As he is about to roll over and wail in self-pity, the pod wakes up with a tremor, sending shallow ripples over the water. Jungkook freezes, frantically thinking over his choices - his gut reaction is to hightail the fuck out of here, because the thing is starting to show signs of life and it doesn’t sit well with Jungkook, not one bit.

He better scram and scram fast. Fuck the money and his uncle - especially his uncle - no one told him scrubbing pools involved close encounters of the third kind.

He makes to do just that but doesn’t make it too far as he bumps into someone, loosing his balance and sending them both to the ground. With a groan, he opens his eyes to stare at the unfortunate soul who had to bear the brunt of the fall on their- his. 

It’s definitely a he. A he so stunning Jungkook’s jaw goes slack and his brain radio-silent. Meanwhile, the he doesn’t waste any time making the most of their proximity as he slithers his hands around Jungkook’s neck and presses against him in a soft sweet kiss.

A supernova goes off at the back of his skull. 

It was awesome.

“Hello,” the other says, a quality to his voice that is out of this world. He must be out of this world, because how?

“I’m Jimin.”

“Hi,” Jungkook says.

A dumb grin takes over his face.

He’s tingly all over. He thinks he’s in love. 

“You’re gorgeous, Jimin-ah. Will you marry me?”

“Marry?” Jimin says tentatively as if testing the word on his tongue. His lips are pretty and full, forming a perpetual pout. It’s adorable. “I can’t marry. I need to mate.”

“Oh.” That throws Jungkook for a loop, as his heart swells with emotion. “Mate who?”

“You,” Jimin smiles. “Serendipity has chosen you as the most suitable candidate within this quadrant of our galaxy. We’re compatible.”

“Wow,” Jungkook whispers. He understands jack shit, but it does feel like serendipity, doesn't it. Just a moment ago, he was one miserable son of a bitch and now…he’s the luckiest son of a bitch in the whole fucking quadrant of their galaxy. 

“You do know I’m scrubbing pools for a living, right?”

He props himself up on his hands, hovering over the gorgeous Jimin and eyeing him like a candy on a stick. Jimin has pretty dainty hands. They are always in motion, feelings up Jungkook’s arm muscles, bulging all prettily just for him - this shameless little minx.

“I know everything about you,” Jimin says, his voice washing over Jungkook’s mind like a gentle summer tide.

Turns his brain all mush-mush. 

“Every second of your waking moment. Every dream, every thought you’ve had. Serendipity has shown me all of it.”

Whomever this Serendipity is, Jungkook hopes it didn’t show every single thought he had. After a certain age, they’d gotten rather repetitive and tended to fixate mostly on things below the belt - which is not the image of himself he wants to project into this world. 

“You’re thinking too much,” Jimin purrs, tapping his temple lightly.

His hands wind up in Jungkook’s hair, massaging the scalp and down his neck. His touches are flitting, almost shy and it kindles longing in Jungkook like never before. It tramples all of the questions budding in his head. Melting reason away. Before he knows they’re kissing again and it plays out like a dream. 

He’s doing something, but he’s not really in control. It feels good. Peaceful, he’s in a safe place. Jimin’s touches are weightless and tender as he maps out his body with the very tips of his fingers. 

Like he can reach everywhere - can touch anywhere.

The moment something prods his mind, gentle and soothing - akin to a light breeze caressing the leaves - Jungkook shivers. Falls under. A feeling like no other. Floating, like a little air bubble. 

It’s gone as sudden as it came and Jungkook finds himself yearning.

“We can’t do it here,” Jimin says as they both move upright in sync. He grabs Jungkook’s hand. “Let’s go. Serendipity will have to stay here for now.”

“Serendipity?” Jungkook asks, shaking off the drowsiness as his brain slowly kicks back into gear. “You mean that pod thing?”

“Don’t call her ‘a thing’,” Jimin chides. “She has feelings. Quite a temper, too.”

“Damn, a she-pod with feelings”.

They’re standing now with Jimin plastered against his chest and nuzzling his mighty pec. Not awkward at all. 

“She’s a ship. The most intelligent ship in the whole galaxy. Completely self-aware,” Jimin says, exploring the vastness of Jungkook’s chest with his curious palms now. Jungkook starts to notice a certain obsession here of a tactile nature, but can’t find it in himself to complain. “Be kind to her.”

“I am kind,” Jungkook says. “I’m like...wait, who are you?”

“I’m Jimin.”

“Okay,” Jungkook nods. “But what kind of Jimin are you? Where did you come from? You’re not with the Joneses here, are you?”

With the burden of rational thinking, Jungkook slumps into a realization that he has questions. And he must ask them. 

“No, I’m from space,” Jimin says like it’s not big deal. “We need to go,” he commands, taking charge and dragging Jungkook along.

“Space? Wow,” Jungkook says. “That’s, ah, nice, I guess. Never been myself, what with the radiation and minus fuck-ton degrees, you know. Transportation kinda sucks, too. I don’t know if you’re aware but we’re kinda still in the stone age or whatever, but, ehm...remember when I was lying on top of you, with our private parts perfectly aligned? That was nice too, wanna, ehm, do that again?”

“Here is not safe,” Jimin says and at least, it’s not a no. “Serendipity can hide herself well enough, but it’s a matter of time before he tracks me down. And if that happens, I don’t want him to track me down right next to her.”

“Who’s he?” 

“Just a man who never gives up what’s his.”

“You mean, like, ex-boyfriend?” Jungkook asks, swallowing down an annoying spike of jealousy. “Do you even have boyfriends in space?”

“I meant Serendipity, not me,” Jimin says. “And yes, we do have boyfriends up there in space. You don’t have to worry though, he’s been mated for the past five hundred years. He’s that boring.”

Jungkook lets out a low whistle.

“If his mate looks anything like you, that’s understandable.”

[yurtletheturtlehenderson]

S.T. REWRITE - S2:E7; Chapter Seven, The Lost Sister - [Pt. 3]

A Will Byers x Reader Series

In their search for answers, psychic visions draw Eleven and Y/n to a band of violent outcasts and an angry girl with a shadowy past.

||Reader's POV||

I stare at my reflection studiously. I now stood in a pair of baggy ripped jeans for someone at least a foot taller than me - though I dread to think what the clothes that didn't fit me looked like. I had to cuff them at the ankle as well as hike them around my wrist - thankfully Funshine had supplied a belt. He had also given me three shirts which had confused me at first, but I realize it was a good thing. Given how cold it was, it was wise to dress in layers. Funshine had given me a long white shirt, and an old and faded Rolling Stones tee shirt to go over it. As an added layer, a red flannel that hung over the tucked-in shirts.

I wasn't quite used to this style, but I have to say, I do kinda like it. Mom always bought our clothes, and while she did support us branching out and trying different things she always found a way around getting stuff like this. It didn't look half bad, and it was certainly warm.

Sighing, I look around the room. Besides the fire pit where my clothes are sitting nearby to dry, the room is lit by a giant sign for some sort of psychic.

Ironic.

I can hear bickering and mixed laughter downstairs, and I wander out to the balcony unsure of what I'm supposed to do now. I step back out of view, not wanting to get caught and I begin looking around. I see another stairway, and streaming through the top is a small pale gray of light. Hesitantly, I climb towards it, careful to keep my footing light.

I can hear cars passing outside as I approach the corner at the top of the stairs and I can feel a cool breeze. Cautiously, I turn the corner and I see a door labeled, ROOF ACCESS sitting ajar propped open by a brick. I catch a brief glimpse of Kali talking to El, and I realize if I can see her she could easily see me. Slowly, I readjust myself around the corner when I catch the words she speaks to El.

"What you can do is incredible. It makes you very special, Jane."

I stop, unable to make myself move and against my better judgment I stay to listen. I have to strain to hear El's soft-spoken words, but I hear them.

"Wait," she says. "Do you have a gift?"

"Different," she says. "I can make people see, or not see, whatever I choose."

I frown, my mind conjuring thousands of possibilities and weaving intricate webs that feed my anxiety.

"Is that why you made the man with the crazy hair dance?" El asks.

"Axel is not so fond of spiders, so..."

"You made him see spiders?"

There was a moment of silence, but soon enough I hear voices again.

"But it doesn't have to be scary," Kali says. "This butterfly, it isn't real. I've just convinced your mind it is. Think of it as a kind of magic."

Curiosity gets the best of me, and slowly I peek around the corner. I see Kali and El staring into up into the air, and El even swipes a hand above her head. It's a strange sight, but I know she is seeing something I am not. And that frightens me, what a dangerous power to have. Kali swipes at the air, her clenched fist retracts and her palm slowly opens revealing nothing.

I return my back against the wall when I hear El speak again.

"Are you real?"

"Yes, I'm real."

There is another silence, and it is broken moments later when I hear them break into giggles. I feel my heart clench and I sigh inwardly, ready to return to my room. But something stops me.

"Jane, you told me that your friend came here to help you, right?"

I freeze, my feet rooted in place.

"Yes."

She waits for a moment, then speaks slowly. Her voice has grown serious once more, and the tone she has when speaking about me to El rubs me the wrong way. It's like she's putting words in El's mouth.

"Something tells me there is more that story. That's an awful long way to come for a friend."

"She's like us. She has a gift."

"Really?" Kali says. "But I thought she grew up with those boys you spoke of? The ones that helped you."

"She did. But she came from the lab. She would have been called Nine."

This pause was the most damning and by far the most deafening. I could practically see the look on her face without having to turn the corner and I tried desperately to calm my heart. Again, I knew there was no logic behind this anxiety, but I did trust the feeling completely.

I didn't know what to do, or what to think and the pause must have been significant enough for El to speak up.

"What's wrong?" El asked.

I heard Kali sigh, and she proceeded to take several harsh breaths and she spoke very slowly to El.

"Was her mother [y/m/n]?"

"Yes," El said, a hint of surprise.

"Jane, do you realize just how much she has affected our lives?"

"No?"

"You say you don't remember our time together, no?" Kali asks slowly. "Well, things were a little different before the missing experiment."

"How?"

"You see, back in the rainbow room, we got to play. You say you saw this? We weren't as isolated or kept apart. But when she went missing, our lives got a whole lot harder."

"The room..." El said, her voice cracking.

"Yes, Jane, the room. I remember it too. These men that took us, took our lives, they grew very mad and very frightened when your friend escaped, and they took it out on us. The lab was never a good place, but at least we had our sanity, but they took that away too when she left."

"I remember when we went into lockdown, men stormed my room and ripped me from my toys. I was thrown in the room and I didn't come out for another day and a half. I was relocated every night, for four nights in a row. And I never saw you again, until now."

"What... are you saying?"

"Jane, let me put it this way. Does it not bother you that not only did your friend get a better life than us, but our lives were made worse because of it?"

"Well, yes. But it wasn't her fault. It was her mothers." El said confused.

I smiled.

"Maybe so, but think about it. Do you really think this friend of yours truly understands what we go through? What you go through, every day? She does not have the memories we do, she does not know the life we have lived, the bad times. She has grown up in a nice home, with a loving family. She does not understand our pain. So do you really think she could understand us?"

This time, El didn't say anything. Once again, I was wrong before. This silence was more deafening and far more damning. I felt the anger return, boiling up in my chest.

"And that is why I want you to stay. Don't you see? This could be your home, you said it yourself, we're sisters. I can teach you how to harness your anger, and strengthen your gift. We'll look after each other. We understand each other. Y/n will never understand you. But I do. Would you like that, Jane?"

Never in a million years would I expect El go side with her, but she did and I could feel my heart break into two.

"Home."

Hot anger rises to my cheeks, and I feel the heat radiating off my face. Hotly, I turn on my heel and trudge down the steps, not caring if I'm heard and I think of returning to the room but decide against it. Instead, I stomp downstairs and past the group drawing several curious glances. I ignore their comments and I rip the door open and run outside. I run and run and run, never ceasing until my lungs tire. I stop and look around, panting and I find myself in an abandoned train yard.

I try to calm my racing thoughts but they only grow stronger and faster, buzzing around my head like a swarm of hornets. I every needle of anger I felt in the past year pricking my nerves and push me to the edge, I feel every bruise anyone has ever inflicted upon me with every dagger thrown my way.

I collapse on my knees, wailing, finally allowing every feeling, every emotion I have had to repress come back with a vengeance. Head in my knees, my palms pound against the pavement and I feel a huge rush of adrenaline and relief. The wind carries my hair as I scream and I feel a gush of warm air. My hands find their way through my hair and my fingers claw at my scalp. I feel my jeans grow wet but I know it is only from my tears this time, and I take several deep breaths.

Sobs still wracked my body and it is a long while before I finally pull my head up from legs. My eyes are puffy, but I am still able to see the large cracks traveling along the pavement around me.

I look around myself in wonder, the once smooth pavement beneath me had cracked and split into several veins and tendrils spiking. I hadn't even noticed, the ground below me had shifted and quickly stumbled to my feet. Right where I had been sitting the pavement had caved in between the two breaking points where my palms had made the fracture. I looked on in amazement at what I accidentally have done.

Logically, I know I caused this.

I choke back a defeated laugh, but then I allow it to happen. For the first time, I feel truly myself. Kali was right, I don't belong here. But I don't want to belong here.

I have no reason to stay. I could help Will like I said I was doing in the first place. I could go home. And I will. There's no decision, no should I stay or should I go. El could stay if she wanted, but I'm going to go.

I'm going home.

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

By the time I reach the warehouse, my anger has grown tepid. But my mind is still made up. I'm leaving, tomorrow, first thing. But that didn't mean I couldn't still try to talk to El. When I enter the warehouse, I'm relieved I don't have the same worries as last. The downstairs is empty now but I dismiss the thought, heading up the stairs.

"Ole McDonald had a farm! E-I-E-I-O!"

I turn when I hear the family tune echo from around the corner.

What in the actual hell?

Then I remember their nickname for El and I roll my eyes. Of course, they want her in and abuse her powers but they won't treat her with any respect. I hear a slam that stops the singing and once again I find myself overhearing Kali's words.

"She found me with only this."

"What's that mean?" I recognized the voice as the woman who stepped up to Axel, the woman in green.

"It means she can find people without moving. With nothing but an image."

"You telling me Shirley's a human radar detector or some shit?" Axel asked.

"Or some shit, yes."

"Come on, no way."

"We'll find out soon enough," Kali said. "I want to do one. Tomorrow."

My brows furrowed. What the hell where are they talking about? Whatever it was didn't sound good and they clearly wanted to use El for her powers. "Sister" my ass.

"You serious, Kal?" Axel asked, his voice rising.

"We're way too hot right now." The woman warned.

Another voice joined in, the crazy looking girl who mocked me.

"Paranoid." She said, in a sing-song voice.

"Realistic." The woman corrected. "You don't kill their men and expect them to look the other way."

My eyes widen.

So that's what they're doing. They're going around killing the bad men. Yeah, they're bad men, they're terrible people who've done terrible things but this is not the solution.

"If they find us, they will unleash hell." She finished.

"So we give in to fear?" Kali snapped back. "She's in pain. She needs this. We go out tomorrow."

I heard footsteps approach and I freeze, unable to move without being seen. Much to my relief Axel falls after Kali and the footsteps pause.

"Kali!"

"What?"

I take advantage of her diverted attention and I cross the hallway before she can see me.

"What about that pesky tag-along friend of hers, what about her?"

"I have no use for her. She's not to be trusted, I want her gone by morning."

The footsteps continued and quickly I slipped into the room I had been shown. It seems El was there too, she lay in the bed on one side, nuzzled up under a bright orange blanket. I slowly step inside and all the words I had prepared to say evaporated when I saw El. She looked so comfortable, and by now she was fast asleep. I was still very upset with her, but I knew if I woke her, and told her everything, things would only end on a bad note.

Maybe I could talk to her in the morning. Obviously, I have to wake up extra early anyway to leave before they could get rid of me. Sighing, I slipped off my shoes setting them the dim fire pit and trudged to the other side of the bed. I sat on the edge, sighing greatly as I put my head in my hands. I sit like this for a moment, collecting my thoughts before I discard a few of my layers. Slowly as not to wake El, I lay myself down on the opposite side, and nuzzle myself under the covers. I don't realize how tired I am until my head hits the pillow and right as my eyes flutter closed I am awakened.

"Y/n?"

My eyes open, and I see El looking at me from where she lays.

My stomach twists in knots knowing the moment can no longer be avoided. I'd have to tell her.

"Hi, El." I croak.

I can feel a lump forming in my throat, knowing what is about to unfold. Not wanting to dread it a moment longer, I take a deep breath and rip off the bandaid.

"El, are you staying here?"

She seems taken aback, her eyebrows furrow and she gives me a curious look. It quickly morphs into sadness and she nods

"Yes." She says. "How did you know?"

"I heard."

"Oh." Is all she says.

I take another deep breath, trying to keep my emotions intact.

"But are you sure you trust Kali? I mean, we hardly know her and I'm just not so sure about all this."

Her eyebrows twitch, and I can sense a flicker of anger.

"She's my sister." She says slowly, her voice begins to harden.

This causes my own brows to flicker, and I try to hide my offense.

"And I'm your best friend, I'm only trying to look out for you. I just think maybe you should think this through."

I think about the words that Kali said about me, not only to El but the words El didn't hear.

"Get rid of her."

"She cares about me. I'm her missing piece. She said so. And she is mine." El spits.

"What? El, please. Just hear me out-"

"It's Jane."

I don't attempt to stop myself from recoiling, I look at her in disbelief.

"Okay, I'm sorry. Jane. But seriously, hear me out, please! You didn't hear the things she was just planning. The things she just said to her friends out there, you don't understand-"

"No, Y/n." She shot, cutting me off. "You don't understand me."

I gape at her, unable to fathom the person she has morphed into in so little time. I laugh dryly, looking at her distastefully.

"I guess you're right, Jane. I don't understand you. Not anymore. I came here to tell you that I'm leaving by the way, on my own choice. Not because I overheard them say they're going to get rid of me, so I won't be here when you wake up so no worries there. I'll even say hi to Mike when I get home. Goodnight," I spit, rolling over on my side my back facing her.

My words don't ease the bubbling anger in my chest and before incantations stop myself I feel it boil over.

"Some friend you are," I huff under breath.

I don't hear another word from her, all I hear is several huffs and the rustling of the sheets. Once again my head is buzzing, but rather than dwell on the angering thoughts, this time I allow sleep to take me.

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

I stir awake for what feels like the billionth time. And although I remember waking several times throughout the night, my stuff joints tell me I slept deeply. The details of last night come flooding back all too quickly and I sigh inwardly, my heart breaking all over again. Finally, I angle my wrist to glance at my watch, the time read six twenty-five. I might as well get moving. I remind myself of the words exchanged last night and that is enough to motivate me.

I slip out of bed, gracelessly but also noiseless and I'm quick to put on my shoes. Perks to sleeping in my new clothes, I didn't have to waste time getting dressed but I was awfully chilly. Thankfully my jacket managed to stay bone dry, and I am able to make sure all my actions are muted as to not draw attention. Thankfully, I hear limited signs of life throughout the warehouse apart from some occasional shuffling which I assume is from Mick, who always seems to be on the watch.

I plan my escape in my head when I realize, I needed money for the bus. My eyes flicker to El's sleeping form and down at her bag. With hushed steps, I reach the end of the bed and kneel down and carefully unzip it. My hand extends further into the bag, my eyes trained on El in case she wakes and I remind myself she planned on staying anyway. She'd have no use for bus money and sure enough, my fingers catch the dog eared corner of the paper.

My brows crease when I realize it's a lot thicker than I expected. I dig deeper, my other hand falling to prop open the stiff bag as I peer inside curiously and my fingers retract with something completely unexpected in my grip. Peculiarly enough, I find a manilla folder. I turn it over, and in an instant, I feel my mouth run dry when I see the three words etched out across the front in messing handwriting.

THE MISSING EXPERIMENT

It can't be. She wouldn't.

Numbly, I open the folder. Dozens of papers and news clippings spill out one by one and I look on in shock. Several species are annotated in pen, several notes have been taken by several different people and the feeling it leaves me with sickens me.

All my life I wondered where I came from, all my life I've been a giant question mark. So many loose threads, and unanswered questions and yet all these people had this information. By the looks of it, it's been passed down. And even El had it. My eyes find her once more but this time I look at her in disgust.

How could she keep this from me? This whole time, I'd been there to help her, and she said she was here to help me. Then why hide this?

My eyes fall back to the remaining sheets around me and I'm pulled in before I can stop. The first thing I note is an older looking file, it looks to be typed up and looks by far the oldest. It read,

Subject 009; UNTESTED

Date of Birth: TBD Sex: TBD Mother: Y/M/F/N Father: Unknown Attribute(s): increasing signs of abnormalities during pregnancy, affecting both mother and child such as drastic changes in temperature, signs of hypertension and hyperactivity. ADDITIONALLY, mother has recently begun showing signs of involuntary and unnatural physical resistance one can only describe as seismic bursts that we hypothesize is the fetus' defense mechanism.

My attention is ripped away when I hear scuffling from downstairs, and quickly I gather my thoughts. I force myself to shove this aside for a moment, and quickly I collect every stray piece of paper that had fallen within moments and return them to the folder. I thank anything and everything I can that my jacket has large inside pockets. Truthfully, the stitching ripped a few years back and expanded the length of the pocket, sure the folder would get a little bent but it would certainly do given I didn't have a bag.

I dig through El's bag once more and find the remaining money from last night's trip and I jump to my feet racing for the doorway. Out of habit, I turn to look at El one last time not knowing if I'll ever see her again. But once again, the anger quickly replaces my somber feelings and makes it easier to leave. Keeping an eye out on the other room, I slip over to the stairs.

Mick was in the other room across the hall taking watch just as I had suspected, so there was no one waiting downstairs when I flew down the steps. I race for the door and with one last glance, I'm out the door in record time.

Like I'd never been there. They surely wouldn't know the difference.

+++

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[doctorgerth]

∇ ✿ ♡ for Corazon please

Rosiii my baby!!! I love writing for him, thanks for requesting! 💖

Various HCs: Donquixote Rosinante/Corazon

∇ - old age/aging headcanon

- Rosi only gets cookier and clumsier with age and honestly that’s what makes him so endearing

- he raises Law as his son, keeping him far far away from Doffy and they live a quiet life in a small town; a nice place to start over

- Rosi rocks the dad life, handling Law during even his most angsty teen phases with ease, only resulting in some gray hairs and premature wrinkles afterwards

- raising Law has truly made Corazon much more loving and inviting towards kids, but no kid could ever replace his sweet son Law

- if/when Law has children, Rosi somehow rocks the grandpa life even better, like he was made to be a grandpa or something

- kids naturally flock to his house to play in his yard or hear some old marine stories; he welcomes all children to his house and loves to give them candy (what an old man)

- Law definitely has to live nearby so as to keep his old man from accidentally burning the house down

♡ - romantic headcanon

- Rosi is another OP hopeless romantic

- he’s pretty quick to fall in love, but he’s insecure and anxious af so he hardly approaches love interests

- he just loves from afar poor guy

- but, the day he finally commits to a relationship he is head over heels and just so enamored by his s/o

- he will do anything and everything to keep a smile on their face and he just can’t believe that someone loves and cares for him just as much!

- he pencils in every single important date, first date, first kiss, when they became official, etc. and he is not shy to throw lil celebrations on these days

- it’s usually all about the small things with Rosi, like little gifts or handwritten notes or even small kisses to remind his s/o how much he loves them

(( NSFW Below ))

✿ - Sex headcanon

- Rosi is a passionate lover, whether you’re a one night stand or the love of his life; he’s gonna take his time with you and rock into your body with the most loving thrusts

- he’s clumsy af so don’t bother trying any crazy positions or bondage or toys or whatever

- candles and wax are a NO NO

- he likes to have you in your natural state anyway, he’s ok with other positions like doggy style or cowgirl but nothing beats having you under him in some good ol fashioned missionary

- he gets super duper blushy when you go down on him and he always reassures you that you don’t have to even if you’ve been married for 20 years what a sweet boy

- he also gets super flustered when he gets complimented on his dick (lemme tell you it’s long and thick and beautiful) like he never believes you when you praise him

- but he’s all for praising you and making sure you feel super loved; though he appreciates your praises he mostly wants to have all the attention on you (10/10 selfless lover)

[mikeoliveri]

Your “Good Ol’ Days”are Bullshit

I keep seeing these “good ol’ days” posts on Facebook, and it’s driving me nuts. So let’s break this shit down:

I am from Central Illinois ,when I was 10 yrs old the area code was (309) for every phone number. 

What’s the point of these “only one area code” comments? That the poster is too fucking stupid to remember their friends’ phone numbers, or that they have no friends outside of their shitty little town? 

We wore clothes our parents bought us .You thought your parents were rich if you went to JC Penney's.Shopping at K-Mart for a blue light special while eating the popcorn and drinking a Cherry Icee, and maybe stopping in the KMart cafeteria for a meal and an apple dumpling.

First, apparently back in your day, they didn’t teach you how the space bar worked. Second, I have no idea if this is supposed to be a shot at rich kids or if it’s bemoaning bankrupt stores. 

Eating ice cream was the treat on a hot day.

Do you really think it’s not anymore? Or are we taking a shot at millennials and iced coffee? 

Riding anywhere in the car with no seat belts on, riding in the back of a pick up truck and drive in movies, the popcorn in a brown paper bag with so much butter on it you could see it seeping through. 

Yes, because it’s stupid to give a shit about safety and your health. Ever consider there’s a reason highway fatalities have dropped significantly since then? And you can still get popcorn with that much butter, dumbfuck, but why not just save yourself some time and have them fill a soda cup? Pop a straw in it and drink up without the mess. 

25 cents got you 25 pieces of penny candy

Where to start. Maybe we developed a taste for something besides a congealed lump of sugar? Also, a part-time job got you a car and a college education. How deep into this “siddown, boomer” rabbit hole do we want to go?

You took your school clothes off as soon as you got home and put on your play clothes. 

Let’s not pretend everyone can afford two sets of clothes per day, mkay? And if my generation is the product of your generation, I never had separate school clothes and play clothes, either. How is that our fault? 

We had to do our homework before being allowed outside to play.

You don’t get to make this complaint and complain that kids never go outside anymore (below). Furthermore, I’ve been working in education for 20 years now. The percentage of students not getting their homework done (and the percentage of parents who just don’t give a shit about their kids’ homework) has been a constant. 

We ate dinner at the table as a family.

I can point to a lot of families who would love this opportunity, but when both parents have to work, kids are being thrust into six different activities, and student athletes are desperate for scholarships to be able to afford school, it gets a little difficult. 

And even then we’re only talking the families who can afford it. 

We walked to school. There was no taking or picking you up in the car  lol!

Yeah? Which generation started the helicopter parenting? Here’s a mirror to help you figure it out. 

TVs didn’t have remotes, we had to actually get up to change the channel.

I guess this is a positive because it helped you walk off the calories from the popcorn butter and penny candy?

We played Mother May I, Hopscotch, Cowboys and Indians, Cops and Robbers, 1,2,3 Not It, Red Light Green Light, Red Rover, Hide & Seek, Truth or Dare, Tag, Baseball, 4 square, Kick Ball, Dodge Ball, rode bikes, played flashlight tag, spent the night outside in sleeping bags on the front lawn!

No, you’re right, kids have never heard of these games. They go out to recess and just stare at each other. At the park, they sit and watch grass grow.

Girls could spend hours roller skating in the driveway, playing Barbies or house.

*sigh* Let’s just agree you’re a sexist fuckwit and move on.

Boys and girls played football in the yard , or shot baskets. Staying in the house was a punishment, the only thing we knew about "bored", "You better find something to do before I find it for you!" 

Have you not driven through a neighborhood in the last fifty years? Or do you just not see them because you’ve called the cops on them for playing basketball too loudly, too late at night, or both? (Has happened twice in my town within the last year.)

We ate what mom/dad made for dinner or we ate nothing at all. 

I’m going to say this is one more example of a boomer seeing one parent allegedly spoiling a kid and assuming all modern parents spoil their kids. Do all boomers think this way? No, but it’s definitely a trend I see in my parents’ generation and many of the grandparents who visit the school. They see some crazy-ass story about something stupid one parent or school administrator has done, and they assume it’s a universal truth about all parents and schools. 

It’s also possible you were just a shitty cook. 

There was no bottled water; we drank from the tap or the water hose (hot).

Now we know there’s lead in our pipes, and we’ve actually read the list of contaminants in the local drinking water. There are also people who can set their hose water on fucking fire thanks to fracking. Shut. The. FUCK. Up.

We watched cartoons on Saturday mornings,

My kids can watch their TV shows whenever they want, and I wish I had the same capability when I was a kid rather than having to schedule my free time around advertisers’ wishes. 

Also, their TV shows are more than just thinly-veiled advertisements for toys. Their shows have both better writing and better production values, and my kids can pick and choose the shows they like rather than just what happens to be on. 

 and rode our bikes for hours without a cell phone.We weren't AFRAID OF ANYTHING. 

But you sure as shit made us afraid of everything because, again, you assumed the scary story the TV man told you about a kidnapper in California meant any one of your neighbors could snatch us off the street at any moment. You had zero knowledge of statistics and demographics, much less about the relationship between the two. In my town, it’s your generation who is afraid to go into the two nearest cities because you saw a black man’s mug shot on TV.

If someone had a fight, that's what it was and we were friends again a week later, if not SOONER. 

It’s also your generation that screamed bloody murder when your kid got in a fight at school, and you demanded the other kid be suspended because your kid is harmless and was minding his own business.

We played til dark, sunset was our curfew.

Now it’s our kids’ curfew, too. Not because it’s dark, but because you call the fucking cops when you hear kids playing outside past your bedtime. 

School was mandatory

HAA! Yes, because truancy laws are totally not a thing anymore. 

and teachers and police were people who you could TRUST and respect. 

Despite what Fox News would have you believe, they still are. There absolutely are neighborhoods, schools, and police departments where you can’t trust the teachers or the cops. We have plenty of examples of police murdering, abusing, or raping citizens. We have plenty of examples of teachers abusing children, physically and sexually. In many cases, we have this shit on camera. 

The difference between our generation and yours is we understand what we see on TV or on Facebook is not a universal truth. We want criminal cops held accountable, but we support law enforcement as a whole. We’re totally okay with abusive (or incompetent) teachers being removed from the job, but we also understand tenure is an important incentive for schools to retain teachers long term (especially given the current situation for teachers in the great state of Illinois). 

We watched our MOUTHS around our elders because ALL of our Aunties, Uncles, Grandpas and Grandmas were also our PARENTS (they COULD & WOULD WHOOP Y'ALL!,) and you didn't want them telling your PARENTS if you misbehaved.These were the good ole days. 

And there were no long-term consequence for any of this physical abuse ever.

Kids today will never know how it feels to be a real kid. I loved my childhood...!!!Kids these days will never understand how we grew up!!!

There are a lot of differences between my kids’ childhood and my own, and you know what? I’m okay with it. I’m actually interested in their points of view. They have a much broader view of the world than I was ever given, and as a whole, this generation is far more tolerant, open, and empathetic than my generation was--or was allowed to be--at their age. 

Take your “good old days” bullshit and shove it up your ass. Maybe if you made an effort to connect with your grandkids rather than shouting at them, you’d actually learn something. 

[sodasyrup]

I love,,,,, domestic lava au... You should do more of it. I'd love to know more about reka and monty too!

BWAAA...

Okay as I said it’s an au with kittie (6kuro) so I’m gonna grab the things it said and I said lmao

warning its a LONG disjointed post bc im too tired to make. a good post fdhghdf

lovelypeaches08/28/2019cole and kai would settle down real late like....in their late thirties because they want to keep their children as safe as possible, being elemental masters and having enemies and all

at first wu wants them to fight longer and shit but hes OLD so who cares and theres probably conflict on thatbut kai and cole are old enough to realized they dont have to be controlled

so they get married, symbolically if anything, because they've been dating for probably a little over a decade now and known each other even longer, AND been living together for the same amount of time

theyre the first of the ninja to settle down, and they buy a small house in a village thats maybe an hour away from ninjago city

the tininess of the house is made up for by the largeness of the yard, where cole likes to garden, especially fruits and vegetables

cole works as a stay at home free lance artist, doing stuff like commissions, book covers, comics, etc for moneykai does something that puts his charisma to use, probably something in business that lets him advertise and talk a lot..he could never settle down for a stay at home job or anything, even with all his thrilling ninja stories

they have enough money from donations and awards to thrive off these jobs, and ninjago probably pays them kind of like retirement

cole cooks for kai so he always has a meal ready when hes home, so then kai cooks on the weekend

anyways, they have two kids, about 3 years aparti haven't figured them much out yet, but kai and cole cook and bake with themcoles parenting style is very protective and rather spoils them, while kai lets them do whatever as long as its not immediately dangerousthey balance each other out well, so their kids grow up loved and well rounded

lovelypeaches08/28/2019coles always buying them sweets and treats and Kai pretends to be annoyed but thinks its really cute

the kids go to a small school on the outskirts of ninjago city, and get asked about their parents a LOT. they kind of like the attention but it gets irritating

moving on to the other ninja who also start to settle down,jay doesnt really want kids, so he passes on his powers with ~science~ or something, but only when hes a lot olderhe does engineering at borg industries or something, and he messes around a lot but gets away with it bc hes the blue ninjahes like kai and coles kids Fun Uncle, since he lives in a big apartment in downtown ninjago city, with a bunch of cool techkai and coles family often take elongated road trips therejay thinks hes a cool relative but besides being super lenient hea actually kind of embarrassing lol

nya settles down a bit later than the rest of them, because she wants to live her ninja days to the fullesti could go on about my domestic samurai au but her and pixal have a kid who gets nyas water powersnya is much more eager to train her kid than cole and Kai are (they want to start properly training thwir children when theyre like 16, much to wus disappointment)nya doesn't force anyrhing on her kid but she doesnt protect her kid from the fact they'll have to train sooner or latershes determined on still changing the world, so she's a strong political leader, with innovative ideas who doesnt approve of ninjagos government and wants to change it for the betterShe also lives in downtown, but isn't as fun as jayher kid is younger than kai and coles, but kai and coles kids look up to them because they're very independent and skilled! their mom is also super cool, but not in a silly way. she rocks leather jackets and drives her kid around on a motorcycle

lovelypeaches08/28/2019zane is tricky for me...i like to imagine him sticking with lloyd to being a ninja or whatever, since hes going to be alive a lonnggg timehe also wants to respect wus wishes, so he teaches students and fights alongside lloydhe does so much less however, and finds a lot of time to visit his friends

kai and coles kids are shy around him at first, him being a nindroid whose still a ninja, but hes so much nicer and softer than expectedhe always brings them presenrs and enjoys quality time with them, so he's basically their favorite uncle

now lloyd continues his master training, to become the next master after wu dies. hed be the one to guide the next generation of elemental masters as well as their parents in training thembut don't worry, he gets a break too, since the other ninja help him out. hes much less burdened then wu was in the later years of his lifeok thats all i think

My commentary now

little boy whos like 3 and super wide eyed and excited and loves pink (when he foudn out zane at one point had a pink gi he asked if he could get one too)older girl around 6 whos a big daddys girl and loves to garden with cole and make mud piez

the little girl is the fire em - she had temper issues linked to autismz which they worked through her with early and never thought of it but she has a big passion for gardening they mistook for elemental connection when rly she just LUVS IT

little boy is em of earth - hes a natural born leader and stubborn, wide eyed and excitable. again bc they worked w both their kids about their tempers and such they never realized he was just naturally good at keeping his composure. also a lot like jay keeping morals upnaturally strong but both their kids are and i hc the super strength doesnt come in until peubertyz

shes a bit of a late bloomer with em powers but one day their little boy accidentally makes a pot hole inside the kitchen bc he was excited over zane cookingthey took too good of care of their kids and his true potential was simple bc he was a litol kid which was im going to live my best fcuking life with friends and family *rips a hole in the ground

kai and cole are the gross sappy parents that trade kisses n their kids are like thats DISGUSTING youre DISGUSTINGLY IN LOVE

Kittie pointslovelypeaches08/28/2019YEAYEYAYAYYEYAYAYEoh god the little boy is part scenecorelikenot full on scene but like punk y2kwhich is a part of scenealso at first cole and kai are super concerned being a ninja will be as mentally damaging and ack as it was for them at times, but lloyd and zane are genuinely good mastersbutnot to get sadbutwhen tragedy does happen somehow, since neither Lloyd nor zane can ease that, cole and kai are so good at helping their kids e thatthey help them recover from it without downplaying their kids concerns and feelings amd give good advice and loveand make being elemental masters a lot easier for their kids than it ever was for them

me again.....

they always get so fucking scared thokai custom makes weapons for themarmor too he spends hours upon hours making sure its perfect and even prays over them to keep their kids safe

anyway when kai n cole visit w them (idk if theyr just adopted at their current age or like.... adopted as babies or surrogate or?? idk but) they visit lloyd and kai softly says "Look! its uncle lloyd" and lloyd starts SOBBING hes just fucking bawlinghis eyes out and when kai offers to for lloyd to hold him lloyds just like are you suure arre eyyuuu thherye so smsmm all kaiii are yoruur suureee thheyrey babbeises

nya is hesitant but ends up being a really good aunt, i meanshe took care of kai /j

zane is a fav uncle and hes always making sweets for them jay is. also sorta a fav bc where zane comes jay follows and jay has a sweet tooth and also makes Cool Toys + hey wanna prank your dadsalso im dramatic and likekai and cole sitting down and having a convo about master wubc he was sorta a shitty mentor and they really REALLY dont want their kids going through any self confident issues nor over stressing bc theyr KDISeventually kai and cole talk to master wu and actually has wu face his terrible practice towards kids and wu accepting he was.............................a bad 'parent' in a senseblebleblelelelelelellekai works but cole absolutely watches over any training when wu is there at first but lloyd is the master now and lloyd is like..........................i dont want kids to go through what i went through kai is like i trust you but also i will murder every single one of you in this dojo if you ever hurt my little girlim doing what i do and taking an au and running im sorry ghdghdfhJACK RAMBLES....their son refuses to wear shoes he lieks dirt on his feet they never really think much of it but its actually really comforting for him to feel the earth under his feet and feel stablethey think its just a stim thing maybe? theyr unsurebut! turns out him Element(also a fear of heights)lloyd tries to be a serious master but hes a big ol goof and can easily be manipulated

ironically.......its the lil boy who often is like HEY!!!!!!!!!!! WE GOTTA TRAIN!

kai and cole agree not to tell anyone what theyre thinking of naming their little boy until he arrives so when the day comes kais holding this tiny little boy and holds him out gentlyand lloyd is already EMOTIONAL because this is a BABY and lloyd softly asks his name n cole cuts in like "hes named after a really brave dude, montgomery. but we're thinking monty as a nickname"lloyd, choking up:(hc garmadons first name is montgomery)

the girl is Reka which means sweet in maori (a personal headcanon for cole) and shes their sweetheart

lovelypeaches09/04/2019bhrnrng this is in domestic au but col and kai teachign their kids instrumentscole and reka wud play piano duets togetherand monty doesnt like instruments much but he likes to singlike a LOT he belts out a song for everythinghe just lieks his own voice

burdletutt09/04/2019HNGGG HFHMONTY LOVS BEING LOUD

lovelypeaches09/04/2019YEAAAHhes like the type who makes a song for everythingmonty voice we rr goinggg to the parkkkkk and the grass isss.........GREEENNNNNNN and there are LOOK THERE ARE SQUIRRRELSSSS and a playground and the skyyyyy isssssssssssss...*deep inhale* BLUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE1E!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!kai and cole: you are literally so talented

jay tries really hard to be the Cool Uncle at firstbut Monty just :^TReka gives him an awkward chucklewhen jay stops being Cool ™ hes goofy and thats when they start giggling and liking him more

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Child’s Play (2019)

Well it’s Friday, so that means another classic horror franchise is getting rebooted. This time it’s Child’s Play - you know, the one about the spirit of a serial killer that gets trapped inside a talking doll and terrorizes the neighborhood? Well, serial killer spirits are SO 1991, so the 2019 version has updated it to a “smart” doll capable of operating all your wireless devices and there’s no supernatural mumbo jumbo going on here - just a disgruntled factory worker pushing back at unjust labor laws by removing all the safety protocols in ONE doll and shipping it off far away. You know, as most labor disputes get resolved. So Chucky (voice of Mark Hamill) comes to be best friends with Andy (Gabriel Bateman) and soon starts disposing of anyone he believes might be compromising their friendship. I think we all remember how upsetting it was when our Teddy Ruxpins started to do the same thing. So is this AI bringing in a new wave of “smart” horror reboots? Well...

God I hope not. It’s a mess. There’s some ok stuff in here, but wow I have a lot of questions for the director, the screenwriter, and the design team.

This is the worst character design I’ve ever seen. His eyes are both too big to be like a standard doll, but too small to be in the Bratz or anime-type range. Also, he suffers from the Jack Nicholson problem. For as brilliant as Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining is, its casting is truly epically terrible. Jack Nicholson looks crazier than a shithouse rat at the very beginning of the film, making his descent into madness feel a little less like a descent and more like a very level straight line that you could use to hang a picture frame. Same thing with ol Chucky blue eyes here. He looks so uncanny valley creepy right from the get go that when he goes full murder spree it’s like “oh no he’s...doing exactly what his face indicated he would be doing this whole time who could have possibly predicted.” I’m all for the use of animatronic puppetry over CGI but...I just feel like the design here really missed the mark. 

I’m sorry, I’m just so pissed at the inciting incident for this whole thing. Why would your revenge against your shitty boss be to remove all the safety protocols from a microchip going into a device that is shipping halfway across the world from you? What’s the endgame here? Seriously. THE most plausible line of reasoning is “This doll will malfunction and cost this company I hate working for $39.95.” Well, that doesn’t impact your shitty boss. The only OTHER plausible line of reasoning is “This is going to make a murder doll that will malfunction and kill people on the other side of the globe.” That STILL doesn’t impact your shitty boss AND it means this guy is a total sociopath with a diabolical scheme on a level Chucky can’t even dream of. Why isn’t the movie actually about him???

It’s weird to see Aubrey Plaza playing a mom but I kind of love her snark being melded with maternal instinct here. Although, honestly, she does feel more like Andy’s big sister than his mom. 

As for Andy (Gabriel Bateman), he’s actually a really solid leading man in this. Even when he has to break down into hysterics over Chucky’s bad behavior, his performance never veers into whiny or shrill. He’s got a lot of charisma and plays Andy as a fundamentally sweet kid who maybe just doesn’t have many friends because he hangs out with his mom and sucked into the vortex of his phone too much. I was impressed, because he has to carry 80% of the movie by himself talking to an animatronic Annabelle.

I will say, Chucky’s horrible design aside, Mark Hamill does a phenomenal job as the voice of Chucky. Even when he’s repeating the same phrases over and over again, he injects a level of pathos and humanity into Chucky that’s really impressive. I know this isn’t a controversial opinion, but he really is maybe the best living voice actor of our time.

Full disclosure, there is some violence done to a cat that is very distressing, not once but TWICE. The cat dies :( And it’s particularly egregious because not only do you get faked out once thinking “oh this cat is gonna be ok” but THEN after the gruesome part, Chucky uses the sounds of the cat to emotionally torture Andy and the audience. That shit is fucked up.

Um, I’m not sure what lack of googling this screenwriter, Tyler Burton Smith, did but these literal children are not millenials, they are generation Z, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

The tone is wildly uneven. It’s not funny enough to be a horror comedy, and it’s not really scary, just jump scares and being creeped out by Chucky’s fucking face. Also, the film can’t decide if we’re meant to feel bad for Chucky being a victim of his programming and his shitty preteen masters showing him a bunch of campy slasher movies OR if we’re meant to be scared of him because he’s a murderous monster doing things of his own free will. 

Why are there watermelons in this man’s yard? And the line “a white guy dead in a watermelon patch - poetic” ... what fucking poetry are you reading? Listen, I have two degrees in English literature, and I don’t remember Samuel Taylor Coleridge ever writing anything about any fucking watermelons.

Another weird choice - the movie is pretty gory but not in a fun or campy way. I think sometime around 2010, movies lost the ability to do buckets of blood in a fun way? I know that sounds fucked up, but this isn’t campy or silly, it’s just kind of gross - both trying to be gleeful and also taken way too seriously. At first, when it’s only super pervy or abusive dudes that are getting whacked, it’s like, ok, there’s a comeuppance factor here, this is gross but fine. But then it starts extending to characters that have done nothing wrong and that we’ve been pushed to love and empathize with. So then it feels a lot less fine but still very gross. 

One major highlight - I will watch Brian Tyree Henry in anything. He’s just so so good at everything, and this is no exception.

Also - BTH plays a detective and Andy is literally trying to hide evidence made of human remains in the detective’s apartment. For dayyyyys. Let that sink in. Do you think that shit doesn’t smell?? And he keeps disposing of evidence and things he doesn’t want to deal with in the trash chute of his own building. Where the detective also hangs out. There are other dumpsters, my dude!

If you’re making a murderous doll movie and a guy who looks like Jack Black (Trent Redekop) perving around in a basement is the creepiest thing that happens, that’s probably not a good sign.

Speaking of Not Jack Black, everything in his death sequence makes no sense. Why would you stand on a table saw to get away from literally anything? Why would your table saw have a “smart” functionality? Take this as a warning kids, if Google starts making smart table saws, that’s when we draw the line.

There is one (1) cute dog, and Chucky is uninterested in him. He escapes the movie unscathed and appears to be a Very Good Boy.

Did I Cry? Fucking no, oh my god, not at all. 

This is just a real uneven mess. Some performances shine amidst the terrible material (BTH, Mark Hamill, Gabriel Bateman) but overall, I had a lot more fun with the playfully wicked marketing campaign (coming out the same day as Toy Story 4, the film leaned into the gag by creating a series of posters depicting some gruesome ends to our favorite Toy Story characters, with Chucky being responsible). If this had been more comedy, less uneven revenge porn, this might have had a fighting chance at being something really interesting. As in most things, though, I have to advise you stick to the original.

If you liked this review, please consider reblogging or subscribing to my Patreon! For as low as $1, you can access bonus content and movie reviews, or even request that I review any movie of your choice.

[sphinxfeather]

Fantasy Playscape

This is my first foray into making anything in the “children’s toys” ballpark, but this week’s Spoonflower design challenge really caught my interest and I had a lot of fun making this ^_^

The challenge was to create a playmat for young children (the sort of thing where you can lay it out and it has streets and buildings printed on it so kids can play with their toy cars and so on) that would fit on one yard of fabric, and of course I took the opportunity to make it a fantasy playscape with as many mythical creatures as I could cram in.  Ta da!

(and I put in a Sphinx both because I love them and especially because they are, in my humble opinion, sorely underrepresented in the Popular Fantasy Creature department. People just don’t line avenues with them like they did in the good ole’ days)

[jinxthequeergirl]

Family Visit

Fred weasels x reader

(not my gif)

Summary: you have been putting off fred meeting your family for a reason until fred descides it's time to meet them. And you aren't entirely upset.

Warning: none this is longer than I expected but I hope it's what you want.

Requested by: Anon thanks dear! enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~

"Wendy I am not bringing him for dinner on Saturday...because-because he's busy..." you looked back at fred who was busy restocking shelves at the joke shop while your oldest sister rambled on about family dinner on saturday.

"C'mon (y/n) mum's been dying to meet him! surely he could take a day off." you opened your mouth but she continued to talk. "Honestly everyone else is starting to believe you made him up!"

"They can meet him at christmas!..." suddenly the phone was tore from your hand's. "Why hello wendy!" she turned around and saw her boyfriend fred with the phone. "Freddie!" you jumped up trying to steal the phone back but he smiled and pushed you away. "Dinner with the family? That's sounds wonderful. I can just have George run the shop."

"Freddie give me the phone! stop!"

"We'll see you then! Bye bye Wendy." he hung up the phone and smirked at you.

"Why where you going to cancel dinner with your family?" you let out a groan. "I thought you where busy this weekend..." He narrowed his eyes. "That's not it."

"Fine that's not it. The real reason is because..." fred smiled and wrapped his arms around you. "Because?..."

"My family is totally embarassing!" fred laughed and kissed your temples. "You've met my family right?"

"Yes and they are normal compared to my family. Trust me."

The whole week leading up to Saturday Fred refused to belevie anything you told him about your family. His argument?

"You're quite normal how bad can it be?"

Saturday morning you did everything in your power to stall. You would stop at shop's spend hours in the restroom to the point where fred had to pick you up and drag you there. When you arrived in london Fred held your hand letting you squeez it when you knocked on the front door.

"(y/n)!!" the front door swung open and was greeted by a young boy and girl. "April! peter!" she let go of Fred's hand breefly and hugged the two children. "Freddie these are the youngest members of my family April and peter!"

April quickly ran over and hugged fred. And Peter shot fred with a toy gun. Making him smile slightly.

"See not so bad." she picked up April. "Oh just you wait weasely the (y/l/n) put your family to shame."she nodded for him to followe her inside. Once she stepped inside they where met with the excited squeal of six different women. They all left the other prove they where talking to and hugged her. And they all emedently started talking to her.

"Oh it's been ages!"

"How's school treating you?"

"We have so much to catch up on!"

"Bloody hell you've grown so much!"

"Are you eating properly?" fred stood to the side in awe at all the girls swarming around you. You glanced at him remembering he was there. "Oh girls! Girls!" you managed to free yourself from them and stand besides fred.

"This is my boyfriend fred weasely.fred " these are my sister's. Wendy, Clara, Daina, Gwen, Terra, Amy, Rey and you already met April and peter. " there was a moment of silence before it was his turn to be swarmed and questioned. You laughed at him as he nervously attempted to answer each girls question. You eventually pulled him free.

"Alright alright I would like to take him home in one piece." the group rolled there eye's.

"Why didn't you girls tell me she was here!" the group of girls separated revealing an older lady with a tray off cookies in her hand. "Hi mum!" you wiggled your fingers in hello. She placed the tray down and quickly made her way to you and squished your face. "Awe my baby you've grown so much! And oh this boy!" she quickly let go of your face and squished his "mum this is Fred." she pulled his face bringing him down to look into his eye's. "It's a pleasure to meet you Mrs. (y/l/n)". She said nothing And examined him for a few moments. He glanced up at you concerned and almost pleading for help.

You chuckled slightly and shrugged. "Oh sweetie he's adorable! Why have you kept him from us for so long!?" she pinched his cheek taking out her slight anger on him. You laughed and took his hand pulling him from your mother. "I'm sorry mum." she shook her head and took yours and freds hand and lead you out of the living room. "Your father will be thrilled to see you! Oh and you must meet the girl's husband's, fiances and boyfriends. And you'll absolutely love Wendy's girlfriend!" she continued to ramble as she lead you to the Dinning room where a group of men where playing a game of cards and the two youngest played in a small fort.

"Dad!" you let go of both there hands and was welcomed by a big bear hug. Your sisters soon followed you into the Dinning room greeting there respective partners. "Who's this young man?"

Your mother beat you to the introduction and pulled fred behind her. "This is the boy she's been keeping from us!"

Fred turned fearful at the sight of your father. "What's your name?"

"Fred sir...fred weasely." your father looked him up and down and glanced at you. "You love my daughter?" he nodded quickly. "Yes sir very much sir!" he smiled and hugged him. "It's a pleasure to meet you weasely!" you could physically see the tenstion leave his body.

"(y/n) come meet Monica!" you left Fred with your parents for a moment to meet Wendy's girlfriend. You soon found yourself going around the table shaking hands with each girls husband or soon to be husband. forgetting completely about Fred leaving him with Peter and April who You found where getting along quite well. He was busy being under attack by Peter and protecting April from the rubber darts.

"Trust me (y/n) if I wasn't engaged I would eat him up!"

"He doesn't happen to have a brother does he? Because Terra is right." You hit both Terra and Gwen on the back of there head. They both laughed at your action.from with in the kitchen your mother sang the finish of dinner loudly.

You where happy to find that Fred was being included and interacting with the extreamly loud family conversation. You found yourself fully engulfed in helping Wendy and Monica plan there wedding and every so often sharing a loving look with Fred.

"Oi what's for desert love!?" your mother rolled her eyes at your father as she pulled a cake from the oven. "Lemon bunt cake dear but it needs to cool."

Everyone groaned in responsd. "I know why don't we play a good ol game of football why we wait!?" Oliver clara's Husband came down the hall with a soccer ball. And everyone cheered excitedly and got up. You grabbed Fred's hand and pulled him out into the yard.

"Boy's versus girls eh?" your father shook his head your making a mistake boy's." Fred smirked knowing full and well what he ment. "What do you mean?"

You took the ball and got into possition returning a smirk to Fred. "He means you boy's are screwd!"

"Yea my girls are quite competitive." with that you kicked the ball with extream fource almost taking a few of them out.

"Sorry!" the whole family played until the Sun was barely in the sky The boy's would occasionally cheat by picking up a girl and moving them from there way. Fred especially would tickle you to give his team a better chance.

"Mummy said the cake is ready!" everyone looked at April and quickly pushed and shoved to get inside. Fred scooped you off your feet and carried you inside. "I quite enjoy your family."

"Really?" he nodded and you grinned. "I'm so glad!" you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled his face down to your and kissed him. "Now either put me down or walk faster there will be no more cake with us walking at this rate!" he rolled his eyes and smiled and started walking faster to the front door.

[nastymeowmeow]

I feel really unfocused today. Like all the noise in my head is so random. Like all 5 of my brain cells are talking, but not to each other. They're just talking into the open and all of the noise is just ricocheting around in my poor little brain.

Here's just a bunch of word vomit.

I want to do chores and clean. I have laundry to hang, dishes to wash, more things to throw away, and floors to sweep. Maybe even the garage to tidy up? I don't know. I need a change in scenery at home.

I just noticed that I do a lot of random things out of habit. I have to have the volume in multiples of 5. I crack my window of my car if I leave my keys in it. I eat my food one food group at a time, saving my favorite for last. Whenever I color I like to have my art supplies organized in rainbow order, or if it is grayscale I organize by shade. If one nail breaks, all my nails get cut down to the same length. When I listen to music I listen to each individual instrument and the lyrics and the bass and tempo separately and appreciate them all individually. Before I get out of bed, I play a dress up game in my head to choose my outfit for the day. I have a poor memory so rewatching movies is always fun for me because I get surprised or entertained the same every time I rewatch it. I have to know what time it is at all times or I get anxious beyond control.

I'm still angry at the world. I've been doing some allegedly illegal things at my own risk. I won't say what I'm doing because getting caught would turn my world upside down. I should stop, but I don't really fucking care right now? I also know I'm not taking a healthy approach to my overall health and mental health, but again. I don't really care. I'm taking shortcuts to better my life because I'm fucking tired of being a good noodle. I am not hurting anyone with my alleged actions, only potentially myself.

I need to empty the room I made for us to be able to have some kink dot com level playtime. It's never going to be used. Those toys are not fun for solo play. It's just wasted space and a constant reminder that I'm a fucking idiot who does too much for the people I love and lust.

I could be drowning in pussy. I could have 100 girlfriends. I could be getting laid and sleeping on tig ol bitties every night if I wanted to, but I'm still fucking stuck on her. I can't even justify a rebound because it just makes me sad. It's so empty and heartless. It's not my style.

What do I do with this giant fucking Peep? His name is Peepcasso. She bought him for me impulsively one random night at Walmart when she was buying ingredients to make me the forbidden french toast. It was an abomination, and it was probably actually really bad, but I liked it because she made it for me. Now I have this giant fucking stuffed bunny marshmallow in my bed. I don't want to give him to Ruby because I'm selfish, but I don't want to throw him away because not only is that ecologically rude, but I'm still attached to him. How pathetic.

I dreamed about fighting again last night. I dreamed some guy was disrespecting his girlfriend in front of me and I choked him out while digging my fingers into his pressure points. I was disturbingly excited about doing it. He tapped out and I let him go and warned him to watch his attitude or I wouldn't be as nice next time. Then he went and did a disrespect and I punched him square in the jaw and knocked him on his ass. Then I woke up. I don't know why my subconscious wants to fight someone so badly. I hope going to the dessert gives me some peace this weekend.

I won't have internet next month, and I'm cool with that. My soul is so vintage I still use a VCR. I have a massive collection of Disney movies, and I still have my PS3 that I watch DVD's and Blu-Rays on. I don't really need internet at home. I have video games that I can play offline. I have movies. I have arts and crafts. I have my yard and garden. I have chores. I have this blanket to crochet. I'm cool without the internet at home. Ruby will be such an oddball telling her classmates that her favorite movies are old school Disney movies.

I finally bullied St. Luke's to find me a fucking therapist but they couldn't get me in until the beginning of July. That's a little more than two months away. That's a long time to go without psychotherapy when I'm in this state of mind, but I've survived this long. What's another two months?

I'm still in the mood to shut everyone out, throw everything away, and just hide from the world. I've already started on throwing everything away. Life is so complicated. Why does my house also have to have so many complicated things? Why do I have to have so many options? I don't want to have 500 hobbies. Even if I'm good at all of them, I don't want to be surrounded in unfinished projects. Dead dreams and aspirations. Unused supplies. I hate it. I want to do nothing but art but I don't have time. I just want to get rid of all of it. I've told people that my art is part of my soul, and maybe it feels a little bit like I'm throwing pieces of my soul away, but... I like it. It feels good. It feels good to be a little bit empty.

I'm trying really hard not to push everyone away though. I know if I didn't have everyone in my life keeping me in check, I'd be doing a lot worse... I just don't have the energy to be a good friend right now. I have nothing to give back. I just don't want to be around people lately... but I'm forcing myself to be.

I have a Bar Bingo night planned with Weston. I am going to Shasta's apartment to eat and maybe play Pokemon with Junior. I am going to the desert with Trey to destroy some glass. I am meeting up with Ethan this weekend to exchange late birthday gifts. I am taking Amber and Remie out to my favorite Chinese restaurant this weekend so we can have foodgasms. I am making plans to visit a new friend for an art day. I am going to go to a Magic draft night when Ruby is out of town. I don't want to do any of these things, but I know if I let myself push everyone away and I lock myself in my tower, these heathens that I call my brain cells will fucking murder me.

[sleeplessscripts]

It's the tail end of spring and the farmer is down with pneumonia. When their boyfriend, Alex, comes to visit them in the hospital, the farmer asks him to look after their dog Elmo, and Alex tries to connect with the farmer's dog, who doesn't like listening to anyone other than the farmer.

Alex takes a deep breath and walks onto the farmer’s property. He’s dealt with dogs before. He even befriended the scary one by his house, though the farmer’s german shepard was very different than his friendly mutt. He looks around and finds Elmo laying in the shade. He kneels, holds out some treats. Elmo looks in his direction, then lays his head back down on his paws. Alex sighs, but leaves the food he brought and fills up his water bowl, then leaves. The process repeats the next day, and the next. Nothing he tries gets Elmo near him. Finally, he puts the collar and leash on his own dog, Ole Roy, and leads him to the farmer’s property. He’s not sure if it’s a good idea, but he’s tried different treats and toys up to this point, and nothing has stirred Elmo. Once he gets to the edge of the yard, he unhooks the leash, and watches nervously. Roy bounds over to Elmo, sniffing and barking. Elmo immediately stands, sniffing back. After a few minutes, Alex throws a ball, and Roy runs after it, Elmo following seconds later. Alex gives a sigh of relief. After a few more throws, he puts down the food for the dogs, both running over to eat.

The farmer walks home slowly, heeding Harvey’s scolding and advice to take it easy. When they walk onto their property and see the two dogs playing, their eyebrows raise in surprise. Unfortunately, the dogs see the farmer just as fast as they see them, and start bounding over, ready to jump up and knock the farmer down. Just before they jump, Alex grabs them, smiling. “Sorry, had my back turned. Go on inside.” “Thank you, Alex.” The farmer pats the dogs on their heads, then goes inside to rest.

[theliterateape]

President Joe Biden’s Other First 100 Days List

by Joe Janes

Joe Biden has vowed to bring strength, compassion, and dignity back to the office of the president. He released an aggressive First 100 Days agenda.

But what are Joe’s personal goals for himself for each day. It’s just as ambitious and here it is…

 1)    Pick a fist fight with Gritty

2)    Challenge interns to “Punch Ol’ Joe in the gut.” To show off my abs

3)    Binge watch “The Wire” again

4)    Finish that Sudoku puzzle I started in the bathroom in 1987

5)    Teach Kamala Obama and my’s secret handshake

6)    Shave the dogs

7)    Play Hide ‘n’ Seek with Secret Service agents

8)    Get my body upholstered in leather

9)    Practice my uneven bars routine for the US Olympic Trials

10) Prevent an earthquake with my mind

11) Eat a bucket of atomic chicken wings

12) Wear my clothes backwards and walk backwards all day

13) Shoot boudoir pics for my calendar

14) Eat a bucket of ice cream without my hands

15) Wrestle a bear

16) Appoint bear to a cabinet position

17) Dress up like an old school fringe-y cowboy for Jill

18) Clean out that junk drawer that we didn’t clean out before moving 

19) Ask staff for volunteers for cannibal experiment

20) Eat pizza without cheese

21) Read the Bible out loud in my God voice

22) Meet with generals and demand they let me tickle them

23) Eat sherbet out of a feedbag

24) Pass executive order that sherbet be officially spelled sherbert

25) Watch all of Jim Verney’s movies simultaneously

26) Stand at Whitehouse window, look deep in thought, then suddenly jump up and click my heels and shout “Eureka!”

27) Hangout around the monuments busking with my harmonica

28) Knit a cozy for my Camaro

29) Learn to speak Portuguese

30) Sniff Hair Day

31) Kill a whale with my bare hands

32) Learn a magic trick

33) Finally put all those pennies into penny rolls

34) Tippy Toe Day

35) Build a life-size Play-Doh statue of Sacagawea 

36) Make Canada a state

37) Announce that I will be riding a motorcycle when I enter the senate chambers to give the State of the Union Address

38) Hang out with the youngsters at the Senior Center

39) See what happens when I eat rope

40) Lead a hot yoga class in the ballroom

41) Put a dozen foosball tables on that tennis court

42) Dig up that bland rose garden and put in some corn and some of that purple cabbage stuff Jill likes

43) Teach Lady Gaga my signature moves

44) Go parasailing over the Potomac

45) Challenge Mitch McConnell to a duel

46) Be dropped naked in the middle of Wyoming to survive on my own for the day

47) Paint like Bob Ross

48) Hire tuba player to follow me around all day

49) Make my own oatmeal

50) Issue executive order to Hollywood that end credits can’t be any longer than three minutes and to let people know if there’s a mid or end credits scene

51) Set up confetti canon in Lincoln’s lap at memorial

52) Be taller

53) Make “Speak Like A Pirate Day” a national holiday with banks and government offices closed

54) Learn to cook blowfish

55) Eat cheese out of my closed fists

56) Offer free hand car washes to White House tourists

57) Go to the homeless shelter with my “Free Hugs” sign

58) Shave the dogs again

59) Marzipan is not a dog breed – learn it for good

60) Break the Guinness World Record for largest bubble blown with gum

61) Climb Mount Rushmore in a yellow jumpsuit and dangle from Teddy Roosevelt’s nose

62) Put my face on a coin but make it so it winks at you

63) Try to lick myself the way the dogs do

64) Host a cabinet poetry slam

65) Fuck it – Let’s go to Vegas! 46 on Red!

66) Make all the countries at Epcot Center US territories

67) Let’s try fried bull testicles

68) Walk through the park and only talk to pets, ignore their owners

69) Make a fluffy omelet

70) Rap Battle with Jimmy Carter

71) White House yard sale – There’s a lot of junk here

72) Make healthy snacks for supreme court justices

73) Try something new with Kombucha – olives?

74) Release the secret files on Bigfoot

75) Do a new vision board

76) Send Inauguration thank you notes – I’m so behind on this!

77) Make Girl Scouts a formal branch of the military

78) Replace Space Force with flying Girl Scouts

79) Take set of A-Team travel mugs to pawn shop

80) Work on tightrope routine – no net

81) Nominate Dolly Parton for sainthood

82) Get the dogs’ toys out from under the refrigerator

83) Do the dishes

84) Go see a play (not Ford Theater)

85) Buy a telescope

86) Read a trashy novel

87) Take Jill to one of those restaurants where they make the guacamole at your table but surprise her by taking it over and making the guac myself

88) Twister Day in the Oval Office

89) Walk around with blank video tape cassette and whisper to people, “I have the pee tape.”

90) Email all my tweets so far to Trump so he can enjoy them, too

91) Put up my blacklight posters

92) Pizza Roll Eating Contest on the South Lawn

93) Dance a jig

94) See if I can fit my fist in my mouth

95) Everyone gets a dog

96) Hook accordion up to the furnace to stoke the embers 

97) Pitch idea for solar-powered bomb rocket catapult to ACME

98) Dress up like old-timey crook and try to walk by security

99) Wear a crown and eat mutton noisily

100)                Free healthcare for all (JK!)

[anchorsandadderall]

A Man Who Doesn’t Know

Written for Sterek Week

Day 5 Theme: Quotes and Lyrics

Also on AO3

Continuation of Another Day in the K-9 Unit

I'm a man without conviction I'm a man who doesn't know How to sale a contradiction? You come and go, you come and go

-Culture Club, “Karma Chameleon”

Stiles is actually being completely helpful and the best friend ever. It’s really not his fault that he has no idea what ‘man the front desk’ actually means. Scott neglected to mention that part. It probably had something to do with the giant stack of files on the desk, but Stiles figures he does less damage by playing Angry Birds than by trying to pick an arbitrary place to stick files.

Scott really should know better.

The front door swings open, as announced by the small cowbell attached to the handle.

“Welcome to the animal clinic,” Stiles says, without looking up from his phone. The bell clatters again. And again. Stiles sighs and looks up because is someone really letting their kid just ring the bell for shits and giggles? He’s just about to ask, in a really passive aggressive way, if he can trade a roll of smarties for some peace and quiet, but… oh shit.

Derek has Isaac by the scruff of his neck and he’s trying to pry the rope attached to the bell from the dog’s mouth. Isaac, though, seems to have taken particular offense to the bell, shaking his head and growling as he tries to pull it free from the door.

“Isaac.” Derek sounds like he’s growling right back at his dog. “No. Drop it.”

Stiles really debates crawling under the desk to hide until Derek goes away. He can’t handle this level of hotness on his Saturday. He’s not prepared! In the mornings at work, he can prepare himself. Steel himself for it, even. Put his metaphorical shoulder down and take the hit of brutal hotness when Derek comes in with Laura and opens doors for her and helps Carol at the front desk with refilling the jug on the water cooler. Scowly kind-heartedness in a body made for ogling just does things to Stiles, he can’t help it.

Derek finally wrestles the rope free and pulls Isaac into the office, not looking up until the door is safely shut, putting a pane of glass in between dog and bell. “Was it really the best idea to put a dangling object on the door to a vet’s o- you.” He blinks at Stiles, dropping the rant mid-sentence. “I thought you worked at the police station.”

“Uh… I do.”

“And you work here too?” Derek raises an eyebrow. “Is this a tuition thing or a ‘just love dogs’ thing?”

“Yes!” Stiles agrees, and he’s not completely shutting the door on the idea of crawling under the desk still. He’s not prepared for an actual conversation here. “I can fix the bell. You’re right. It’s a totally bad idea. I mean, if it’s that distracting for a dog, just imagine the poor people bringing their cats in, right? They probably think it’s a toy too.”

“Aren’t cats usually in those carriers?”

Oh god. Abort. Stop talking. Please stop talking. “Some people bring their cats in on leashes. It’s pretty normal.”

Derek looks at him for a few seconds and Stiles is pretty sure he’s trying to figure out if Stiles is trying to be a smart ass, and god, if he figures it out, he needs to share with the class because Stiles has no idea anymore. He just knows that he’s alone in a room with Derek Hale and he needs to fill every single second with inane sound or he’s going to fill it with something worse. Like a compliment on Derek’s shirt. Which is a white t-shirt that comes in packs of five in any big box store, and it’s even smudged a little in the middle with what looks like oil. It’s not a shirt you compliment. It’s a completely plain weekend shirt for doing dirty chores in. It just looks really nice on Derek. Most things do. Everything does. And nothing would probably look really damn good and holy hell, how did Stiles even get here??

“Dog Walker.” Derek knocks sharply on the counter in front of Stiles, making him startle backwards. He reaches out and catches his shoulder when it looks like Stiles might actually flail himself right off balance. “Careful. And stop spacing out.”

“Right. Sorry,” Stiles says, and resolutely does not lean into the warm hand on his shoulder. “So. Uh… are you here for an appointment?”

“Yeah. Isaac is getting his shots.”

“Right!” Stiles fumbles for the jar of dog treats (at least he knows where that is) on the desk and pulls one free. He sprawls across the desk, hanging down to Isaac’s level, holding up the biscuit. “Hey, buddy. Remember me, your old buddy Stiles?” Isaac gives him a once-over, then promptly takes the treat from him. Yep, just as engaged as ever. Good ol’ Isaac.

Stiles and Derek make small talk while Stiles pets Isaac. They talk about how Isaac is doing (fine), how does Derek like owning a dog (it’s fine), and the weather (also fine). It’s awkward, but not quite as awkward as admitting that Stiles has no idea what he’s supposed to do. He could yell back for Deaton, but there’s probably like… a file needed for this stuff. And Stiles has a nasty feeling Isaac is a new patient in need of a new file and that’s well outside of Stiles’ area of knowledge here.

Stiles is just about to resort to entertaining Derek with riddles when Scott saves the day by coming back. He drops into the spare rolling chair and gives one good kick, wheeling over until the back of his chair hits Stiles’. Stiles sits back down in his chair as Scott drops his head back and sighs heavily.

“Rough morning?”

“You wouldn’t believe it,” Scott groans. Stiles glances over his shoulder and notices that Scott is holding a lizard. Like… a really big one. It has some wicked-looking claws, but it’s just clinging to Scott’s shoulder and kind of chilling. There’s probably a story there, and Stiles really wants to ask, but Derek clears his throat and reminds Stiles that… right, place of business.

“So… did I get the date wrong or something?” he asks, looking between Stiles and Scott. He sounds agitated. Fair, considering Stiles has stalled him with random bullshit for a good ten minutes.

“No!” Stiles says immediately, and hopes that’s true. Scott didn’t actually get the chance to show him where the daily appointment schedules are or anything. “No, sorry. Uh… Scott, I think this is Isaac’s first visit?”

Scott immediately sits up, going back into professional mode. This involves handing the giant lizard off to Stiles when he gets up and immediately grabs a clipboard that has blank forms clipped onto it.

“Sorry about that! Okay, let’s get a file started for you dog.”

“Why do you have a lizard?” Laura asks when Stiles shows up for their Wednesday morning update with his binder on the trainee dogs, a banana, and Scott’s newest orphan clinging to his shirt.

“It’s a green iguana,” he says, dropping his binder and banana on the table before negotiating the iguana’s tail so he can sit down.

“I can see that it’s green.”

“No, I mean that’s the species. Not super imaginatively named, right? Plus they come in all colors. Some of them have some red or gold or-”

“Still doesn’t explain why you have it.” Laura scoot her chair a few inches away from Stiles, eyeing the lizard.

“Long story. Short version is that some idiot probably bought this guy as a baby when he was small and cute and they never picked up a book to figure out that he was gonna get big and have claws and need a lot of space, so they very responsibly just ditched it in the wild to-”

“This isn’t a short version,” Laura interrupts.

“Right.” Stiles sighs heavily. “Scott wrangled this guy out of Allison’s yard. He was trying to take over the bird feeder.”

Laura waits a few seconds before making the ‘keep going’ motion. “Okay, but why do you have him?”

“Oh. Scott has to work, and Amazon isn’t delivering lizard cage stuff until sometime before 8 pm. I’m babysitting. Lizard-sitting. I’m gonna call him Jackson.”

“After the lawyer’s kid?” Laura asks, still confused, but resigned to be so. It’s probably not the weirdest thing Stiles has ever done.

“Appropriate, right?” Stiles beams. Laura gets him. And she only asks as many questions as she really, really has to. That’s why Laura is awesome.

It’s a brief meeting because the new trainee dogs are doing well, aside from one of them new puppies being a little more aggressive than they prefer. It’s okay, though. They’re still little enough for Stiles to try and train that out of him.

“Let me know how that one is doing next week,” Laura says, shutting the binder and pushing it back over to Stiles. “So, did my brother call you last night?”

Stiles stops dead in the middle of trying to peel his banana around a heavy armful of iguana. “No. Why? Did he say he was going to?”

“No. He was just in a pissy mood. More so than usual.”

“And that makes you think he talked to me?” Stiles rolls his eyes. “Thanks.”

“Fine, that sounded bad,” Laura concedes. “It was just weird. Normally I can figure out what his issue is. Has he called you at all?”

Stiles shoves a bite of his banana in his mouth to buy himself a few seconds to frame this in the least awful way he can. “Once,” he mutters around his chewing. “I uh… made it weird.”

Laura raises her eyebrows. “When did he call you? What happened?”

“He called me to ask what Isaac’s last name was because he was making him a tag at one of those laser kiosks.” Which was kind of the most adorable thing ever. “I got nervous and panicked and ended up offering to come help him make the tag. I don’t remember if I even answered his question or just jumped right to implying that he can’t type basic information into a machine feeding him prompts.”

Laura nods, keeping her face absolutely neutral. Cop neutral. “Oh.”

“You want to laugh right now.”

“No, I don’t,” she says immediately.

“Liar.” Stiles pulls the peel down further on his banana. Jackson stretches his neck out and helps himself to a massive bite from the fruit. Stiles makes a face, watching him chew it, feeling bits of banana hitting his shoulder and back when they fall out of his mouth.

“Gross.” Laura makes a face. “Stiles!”

Stiles blinks, about to take a bite from the pitiful amount the greedy lizard left him. “What?”

“Don’t be disgusting. The lizard was chewing on that, just let him finish it.”

Stiles gives Jackson the side-eye and sighs, holding the remnants out to him. “Fine. I guess you get the rest of my snack. Asshole.”

Stiles is sitting at his desk in the kennel, tapping his pen idly on the desk as he looks at Theo’s file. What’s the best way to really word this…

“I mean, I don’t think ‘bullying’ is the right word,” he mutters. “That’s got a really negative connotation, y’know? I don’t want to put that kind of a black mark on his record. I think he’s just playing. It’s not like he actually hurt Liam, right?”

Jackson hisses from his perch on Stiles’ shoulder. One of the heavy tactical jackets protects Stiles from those curved claws (he thought about trying to trim them but, in a rare moment of clarity, decided not to assume that reptilian nail care in any way resembles canine nail care) and has made Jackson into a decent companion for the afternoon. He’s a good listener. “Yeah, you're right. Maybe we should hold off on documenting anything for now.”

Stiles is deep in discussion with Jackson on maybe using one of the calmer, adult dogs to try to adjust Theo’s temperament when the door opens. Stiles looks up, expecting Laura or maybe one of the officers partnering with a trainee dog. It’s not. It’s Derek.

Derek just looks at him for a few seconds, looking as startled as Stiles feels.

“Are you talking to that lizard?”

“Yes,” Stiles says, because he can’t come up with a single better answer at the moment.

Derek takes another second to process that. “I’m actually not surprised by that answer,” he says finally. “Isn’t it… did Scott give it to you? The guy at the vet’s office?”

“Yeah. He shows his affection by showering me with stray animals,” Stiles snorts.

“Is that what you do, too?”

Stiles blinks at him. “What?”

Derek just looks at him, then shakes his head. “Never mind.” When he steps into the room, Stiles hears the jingle of dog tags and realizes Derek is holding a leash. He looks over the edge of the desk to see Isaac sniffing the air for all the familiar scents.

“Isaac!” Stiles leans over the desk to reach down and pet him. This one is really too tall for that to be a good idea, and Jackson hisses his displeasure when Stiles spills over the desk far enough that his feet leave the ground. Stiles feels Jackson crawling further down his back to keep from being dumped off. Well, that’s going to be tricky to fix. But for now, he can get in a thorough petting, smoothing out the kinks in Isaac’s curly fur and watching them spring back into place.

“You just saw him yesterday,” Derek reminds him.

“Sorry. I get excited when I see him. He looks so much better.”

“He looks… exactly the same since I adopted him,” Derek says. He crouches down beside the puppy (and into Stiles’ line of sight, dammit) and examines him. “I mean, his fur grew a little, but he’s pretty much the same, right?”

“He just seems happier. He didn’t really like the cages or the regimented days he had here.”

“Oh. Good, I guess.” Derek rubs behind his ear. “He’s settling in pretty well.”

Stiles feels their fingers brush as they both focus on petting Isaac. Oh god. Say something. Say something about Isaac, that’s a safe subject. But also stop petting him before that happens again.

“Hey, he got his tags!” Yes, good idea. Talk about the dog tags. And maybe that super awkward phone call too. But Stiles has already started, he can’t stop now. He catches the new silver disk hanging from Isaac’s collar and flips it around to see the engraving.

Isaac Stilinski-Hale

Stiles has to read it again to make sure he saw that correctly. He did. Not that he knows what to do with that information.

“Uh…”

“I… he was yours first,” Derek says, hastily pushing Stiles’ hand away from the tag. “I tried to ask you over the phone, but you didn’t really answer me, so I just… hyphenated it to be safe.

A slight whine escapes Stiles as he falls in love a little.

“That’s cool,” he manages, his voice barely catching at all. “He can have it hyphenated. I… you even gave me top billing. That was nice of you.”

“I guess.” Derek tilts his head. “You’re turning kinda red.”

“Blood is rushing to my head,” Stiles says immediately. Which is totally true, even if it’s probably really not the issue. “Um… can you grab Jackson so I don’t dump him off when I stand back up?”

“Jackson… the lizard perched on your butt?”

Of course he is. Because Stiles has the worst luck ever. “Green iguana. Yeah, him.”

“So was yesterday… your birthday or something?”

Stiles blinks, mercifully distracted from the tugging sensation on the seat of his jeans and the knowledge that Derek is having to untangle an iguana from his pants. “My birthday? No, why?”

“Oh.” Another tug. Something that Stiles swears are Derek’s fingers, gingerly working at curved lizard claws. “Anniversary?”

Stiles shifts and twists, trying to find a way to crane his neck and look back at Derek. “Anniversary of what?”

“I thought maybe Scott gave you a pet for your… anniversary or… I don’t know. Because he missed you or something. Seems a little big for a dorm room but-”

“Scott isn’t my boyfriend,” Stiles says in a rush. His brain goes right into ‘salvage’ mode. Oh god, Derek thinks Scott is his boyfriend. “He’s my best friend. But definitely not my boyfriend. His girlfriend called him about Jackson being in her yard, scaring the birds away from the birdbath and stuff. The iguana, not the lawyer’s son. So, Scott went to help her because he’s an awesome boyfriend and really loves Allison. Allison is his girlfriend. They met while we were all in high school and Allison had just moved to town and-”

“Stiles.” Derek crouches back down into Stiles’ view, Jackson tucked around one arm neatly. “You’re not dating Scott. Got it. Now stand up before you pass out.”

Stiles wiggles his head a little in what he hopes is a nod, but it’s actually hard to tell after being upside-down this long. When he drops back to his feet, the world spins a little as the blood rushes away from his head. “I’m not dating Scott. Or anyone. In case you were wondering. You probably weren’t, but now you know anyway. Um… are you dating anyone?”

“Your nose is bleeding.”

Stiles blinks at him. “Is that a stalling tactic?”

“No.” Derek grabs the back of his head and makes him lean forward. “Sit down, your nose is actually bleeding.”

Crimson splatters appear on the linoleum floor as Stiles gropes behind him for his chair to sit down. “I feel like this isn’t enough of a medical emergency to avoid this conversation we started,” he says, trying to keep his words from turning clumsy as the copper tang hits the back of his throat. He finally got up the nerve to say something, and damn it, a little bleeding from the head will not deter him now.

“Stay leaned forward. I’ll go get you some ice.” Derek shoves Jackson back into Stiles’ arms and Stiles groans as he hears the kennel door swing open.

“We should get coffee and talk about whether you’re dating anyone!” Stiles calls.

“Coffee is good,” Derek calls back. “Now sit still, I’ll be right back!”

The door swings shut, and Stiles is left alone. He’s got a nosebleed, an iguana clinging to one arm, and a sort or proto-date for coffee and dating discussions. It’s a… it’s a weird sort of victory. Definitely a victory, though.

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

11/15/19 3:33am - goin home, trying new things

So the trip home to see the family was wonderful. Actually I spent a little too long watching TV before leaving and waiting for the gas guy to turn on the heat, so I left a little late and was damn near passing out on the drive over. Had to stop a few times to nap, but made it. Got caught up on The Adventure Zone again. I’m really excited for this new story they’re gonna do, it’s like Harry Potter meets My Hero Academia. Pretty fuckin neato.

But yeah I got there had a beer with my mom and went to the game and froze my fucking BALLS off watching taven play football. ugh jesus. And the poor guys were against a team like 4 times bigger than them, I swear they didn’t get double digit offensive yardage. They’d get an offsides call and start first and 5, hand off the ball to taven three times in a row and he’d pick up 1 yard, 1 yard, -2 yards, and they’d punt it away again. I don’t think I saw a single first down lol. Taven got hurt so we left in the fourth, they were down 77-0 with 10 minutes left -_-

But still, good to see him play lol. It wasn’t about watching a win, it was about being there for him on his birthday. Fuck that sucks though lol. I always hated playing in the cold. 

Most of the weekend I hung out with wes at his and jenny’s place. We did hang out with mom and the fam for a bonfire on saturday, I ate as much guac as I could fit in my face, we had a couple beers, made some fires. It was sweet. Then we played some super metroid before I started passing out.

Sunday wes and I beat the game and went to breakfast. My dad wasn’t around so I drove out to visit JMell in NoVa instead. His place is pretty nice, and we mostly watched some funny youtube videos. Good ol Rack Em Willie and other crackhead vids and this guy Super Sus and general nonsense. Couldn’t go crazy because I needed to make it back for work.

So I drove back. Made it to Jill’s at 2 and she helped keep me awake until I needed to get ready for work because I picked up a daytime shift from 7 to 5. And I slogged through that just fine. Got a raise at work, but like the bare minimum, but I’llll fucking take it. It’s been the exact same as every other time I got a raise I think lmfao. A little extra pocket cash to throw at new toys is nothing to scoff at, though, I need another butt plug and stuff lmfao. 

I was supposed to roll from there to durham to watch the new rick and morty, but I passed out and overslept by an hour instead. fucking hate when my bodily needs get in the way of me trying to hang out with people for 48 hours straight, yknow? Sucks.

But I went to slosh still, had a lovely chill time. Made plans to go home to Jill but ended up bouncing to another bar with a bunch of people there and drank for another hour. Got me in a little hot water, but whatever. Worth it I think lol. I just can’t help myself from hanging out with as many people as long as possible. 

Jill and I woke up at like 2 and hung out most of the day just fucking around watching tv. I bailed to go run some errands and do karaoke. Had to get some epoxy so I could put together my butt plug tail. I finally knocked that out this evening before work, I think it turned out great. Gotta try it out soon :3

But karaoke was quiet. Not a lot of people came out because it was like bitter cold and windy and had been raining all day. So on the plus side I got to sing like five songs. On the downside, I didn’t get to flirt with any new people lolol. An old stripper friend I had made there, Kellene, showed up and we talked about how I was in her dream the night before and chit chatted a bit. Got to sing a little together, I love her fucking voice. But at the end of the night she asked me for some money to help pay for her tab. I was like sure and gave her $8, she said I was sweet asked if I wanted to do anything with her I was like huwhaaa I guess? maybe we make out somewhere? Idk. Then she roams the room around and comes back and asks me for money again and I was like dude I gave you everything in my wallet, you have my $8 right there in your hand. And she says “no this is my $8 I got it from my purse,” while she opens her purse and pulls the rest of the money she needs out of it. I was like... pretty flabbergasted. Like not like floored, more still amused than anything. Drunk people are funny.

Also after I sang some Drake my beautiful bartender Jaime said I should sing Frank Ocean. Killed it singing self control, and she like held my hands and said I love you like she has the past couple weeks. I made a slight mistake and let my curiosity get the better of me. It’s definitely a rule of mine to not ask girls who are working out, but I was just like “look I know this is a little inapprop, but would you want to go out sometime?” and she says “yeah, as friends, definitely.” and I’m like oooooof. She had to take care of another customer so I just walked away from that one. Glad I cleared that up though I really thought she was being flirty and cutesy but I’m just a knucklehead. Could’ve been worse lmfao. 

Anyway, went home with Jill, we hung out all day again watching this mediocre 911 show. Kinda fun at points though. It was mostly nice just chilling with her early since I’d blown her off til really late a couple times in a row. 

Then spice was last night and ho. my. god. It was the normal confection of watching people get beat, not meeting as people this time around because I knew a whole bunch of people that were there already. But I did meet a few. Hung out with the cute boy from the fashion show for a while. We have these like really awkward pauses in conversation though where he doesn’t like ask me anything and I run out of things to say but he’s just staring at me and grinning so intently. Idk, man.  Lol. I was supposed to do a scene that I had talked out with someone, but they unfortunately called in sick. So I thought I wasn’t gonna do anything, but then I ended up chit chatting with Neko and he offered to beat on me that night.

Wowowoww bottoming a REAL impact scene was intense. Like IN. TENSE. like I was thinking about tapping out a few times from the pain of it, but then he’d take a break and scratch me or rub my back and it would just feel so gooooood. By the end I was taking these hits in the back and like shivering with excitement/adrenaline/idk what. He like threw his thigh between my legs while I was up on the cross to support me and started rubbing my back and bit my shoulder and hnnnnng. god I just started lightly scratching and chewing on his arm. I was literally in uncontrollable shivers and giggles afterward, it was actually probably too much lol but I lovvvved it. I feel like I really Get it now. Especially as I sit on my ass covered in bruises today lol. Then my friend Bun squish cuddled me until I came back down to normalcy. Maya and Jill came to watch, actually, they got to see it happen so that was kinda rad. Jill wanted to go dancing at alchemy afterward but I was like no fucking way could I dance after taking that lol. So I drug them out to boxcar with me and we played some galaga and skee ball and foosball and tekken. Me and Jill almost got a shutout on Maya+some rando, and then the randos were like nahhhh so I beat Jill+Maya 2v1. We played again later and I lost the set though. But I was dressed up as a kitty all through boxcar lol, kinda neat. We stayed up til 6am just watching Daria and ranodm youtube shit. 

Slept a long time, almost had a weird fight with Jill, smoothed that over, took a bath for a few hours and I’ve been working. Excited to get off though, but not for any reason in particular. Just fuck work I guess? lol.

I really felt like I needed to write about that impact scene while it was fresh. It’s kinda stuck in my head. :3 

I’ve got emo karaoke in a few days, should be a lot of fun. <3 nothing too exciting coming up though. Having to schedule a bunch of extra work days to appease my boss kinda suckkssss but whatever I’ll take the money lol.

[senelkins-blog]

NEW YORK TIMES. FEBRUARY 2017. 

SENATOR ELKINS DID NOT ASK TO BE A BELLWETHER. At no point in his prodigious career did he ever ask for the mantle of prophet or did he demand the cardboard sign of an apocalyptic herald. Instead, his thirty-plus years of dedication to the conservative cause gradually transformed him into a tough love advocate for its transformation. His devotion to the right-wing has pushed him into battles with everyone from his own party to each branch of the government —— federal, state, and local levels, too. His image is one of a protector, if not necessarily a cage-fighter. He hearkens back to a different age of politics (one that he suspects never truly existed) when good men got their hands dirty behind close doors and while wearing gloves. The word integrity comes to mind, though it may perhaps be a partisan twist of the term. He does the right thing, even if that thing is announcing —— unflinchingly —— the impending demise of his own movement.

November 9th, 2016. The senator gives his final public speech of the year. At the time, no one suspected that he would disappear behind the scenes well into the new year. His ghost-like presence on the campaign grew gradually more public until the very last minute; his final speech was every bit what would have been expected. However, no one —— not even members of the Solis campaign itself  —— could have predicted that the godfather of the party would seemingly turn his back in their darkest hour. In that speech, which some of his long-time enemies regard as infamous, he concluded by paying homage to Barry Goldwater.

“Offer a choice, not an echo,” the senator repeats to me. His home in Raleigh is every bit what one would expect: we sit on a massive wraparound porch; his wife handed me a cold glass of sweet tea with a wedge of lemon before disappearing in her scarf to the garden; there are a couple of grandchildren chasing each other along the edge of a cornfield in the front yard; the sounds of the city are just far enough away to emphasis that of a tractor somewhere in the distance; the senator’s mint-condition 1953 F-100 sits in the driveway. I sit in awe of my surroundings, aware of the depth to which the senator’s carefully crafted image goes.

“Voters want change, and that’s a fact. Even when things are good, they ain’t satisfied. They want better. They deserve better, and they know it. A lot of politicians would tell you off the record that the people are dumb, and their attention just ain’t long enough to keep track of four years of work. But, that’s plainly wrong. They know —— they sense it in their guts without having to pick up a copy of the Post. America is more than a place, you know. It’s a state of mind, it’s a place in the heart. It’s an ideal that voters expect us to strive toward. Do we?”

He lets the question hang in the air and, at the time, I wonder if he recalls my original question. A few minutes earlier, I brought up a recent topic from an interview he allowed in his Hill office. Deterioration of the Republican party, he had said. Everyone from the RNC chair to the House Minority Leader have been forced to comment, and they all say the same thing: he’s working on it. The phrase has become synonymous with Senator Elkins over the years; when he gets to work on something, be it a vintage car or an improbable slog uphill and back into power, the work tends to be fruitful. But, rather than hashing through the how, I want to know the why.

“Right after we lose our way, we do.” He continues abruptly. The illusion of distraction comes across as he leans forward in his rocking chair to wave at a grandchild who has ducked toward the porch —— presumably for a glass of the tea, though I later see her rush outside with a model dump truck with working wheels which the senator says he hand-painted last Christmas. We take a break from the interview to go help the little girl load the back of the toy with dirt from Mrs. Elkin’s garden.

It is here that he really elaborates on his thoughts. I realize that I get real answers on his terms, usually as a product of a roundabout discussion that leaves the questions I fed him untouched to the point of frustration. Still, the senator’s home life is a fascinating look into who he is as a person. For a politician so paradoxically impersonal, even the way he helps his wife pull weeds tells a small story about who he is in Washington.

“The Republican party ain’t smart anymore. Emotions are a powerful political tool, be we’ve been using them right poorly as of late. Good ole McCain was destined to lose, going up against all the hopey-changey stuff.” He pauses to wink at me. “But, it’s been bad ever since then. Romney was out of touch. Solis was … a miscalculation.”

The Carolina soil under my nails is dark and wet; Mrs. Elkin’s tomatoes are beautiful.

“We went back to the Fifties, I think. We offered voters two shades of the same color, and they went with the one that did it best. Frankly, the conservative vision has become watered-down, weak, too indecisive to appeal to the average voter. They see a bunch of rich [jerks] in suits vying for a spot on some wealthy donor’s lap. It’s sickening, and people from Coal Country and the Delta and even the suburban Triangle can see that. Theresa Wright should not have won. She’s not as charismatic as Barack Obama, she offered herself as a lite version of him, and everything about her screamed centrism.” He clears his throat, and the sound is intentionally ugly. “We’re picking up the piece right now. I can’t figure out for the life of me how we were so off.”

This sounds like an aside. Can’t sounds more like paint when he says it.

“Conservatism looks like elitism these days. I want to take it back to the little people, and do it quick. The Dems have abandoned mom and pop and Joe and Suzy with even more zeal than we have, and it’s gonna become a race back to the trailer park once the midterms wipe them out.”

I ask over barbecue sandwiches if he truly believes that there will be Republican majorities in 2018.

“Absolutely. I like the word deterioration. I also like the word regeneration. I got things in the works, you know. Ever since Obama, we’ve been trying to make ourselves palatable. We like to play to the center as much as our base, and we went a little too far during the campaign. Not enough red meat. Not enough contrast. Wright is leading everyone into the wrong, and I can feel it like an ulcer. The people know when they’re being duped, and they know when Washington don’t care about them. Am I waiting for her to make a wrong move? Yes, I sure as hell am. When she does, we’ll show the nation that we ain’t an echo —— of anything, of anyone. People want something to believe in, and they want to believe in change. More than anything else, they want solid and real choices.”

                                                                                  by Gia Saab.