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skzhocomments · 1 year

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I can read your smile - Choi Minho SHINee Fanfic - Chapter 1 - Looking for a place

Story masterlist - please consult it for the summary of the story, trigger warnings etc.

Wattpad | AO3

Chapter 2

---

Chapter 1 - Looking for a place

chapter word count: 3.1k words

~Third person POV~

"So you left just like that?" Jinki laughed.

"Yes! One more minute with Minho and I would've fucking killed him!"

"Wh-"

"And before you ask-" Kibum turned to Minho. "It's your mere presence that annoys the shit out of me. Just seeing you walk across the living room- ugh!" Key cut him off and grimaced. "Ugh." He repeated, as if suddenly remembering a horrible thing, and shuddered.

"Come on, just tell them the truth!!! You bought an apartment!" Minho whined.

"While that's also true, I also can't stand living with you anymore."

"Fine! Move out then!" Minho scoffed, annoyed.

"Are these the early stages of a divorce?" Taemin asked with a slight chuckle.

"What divorce?"

"We aren't married."

Key and Minho both replied at the same time, making Jinki and Taemin laugh. The boys were seated at their usual table in the cafeteria, eating lunch. Their university had a fixed 9-15:30 program with a 1-hour lunch break from 13:00 to 14:00, followed by a last class.

It became a habit of theirs to meet up daily, even if all of them studied different majors, or were in different years. Jinki was the oldest, and he was in his final year, the fifth, studying mechanical engineering, a difficult field he was passionate about. Key and Minho were both in the 4th year, with Key studying a combo of business and design, and Minho being a business major. He was getting the best education he could to assist in his family's business once he finished his degree. Taemin was also a business major, but he was in 2nd year.

"So anyway- what I'm saying is, now I have to find a new roommate because Key abandoned me." Minho shook his head and scowled.

"Why?" Key laughed. "It's not like you need the rent money."

"Right. Why do you want to live with someone else so badly?" Jinki inquired as well.

"I just... like it when the house is not empty, I guess." He shrugged and took a bite of his food.

"Then get a girlfriend and move in with her." Key rolled his eyes and stated this, as if it were an obvious solution.

"He's married to football." Jinki stated.

"And the gym." Taemin added.

"And he's insufferable." Key finished the point while sipping his strawberry juice with a straw.

---

"Morning!" Crystal sat down in her chair, throwing her backpack on her school desk. Thankfully classes started at 9, but she still found it a bit too early. She wished she could sleep in more.

Unfortunately, this was not a possibility, so she relied on the cup of coffee she managed to half-dunk before running out of the house to get to her class in time.

"Morning!" Everyone replied to the girl in unison.

"How's your quest going?" One of the girls behind her, Lydia, asked.

Lydia was a tall and slim girl with brown, silky hair, and a matching pair of hazelnut brown eyes. Her lips were always painted in a subtle glittery shine, and her eyes were contrasted by a smokey eyeshadow look. She seemed unfriendly at first, even quite mean at times, but once you got to know her, you'd realise she was a very sweet girl who just had to toughen up to face the world.

"Quest? What quest?" Taemin raised an eyebrow with a chuckle, confused. He's been Crystal's desk mate for a while now, wasn't he supposed to know things too?

"Oh, Crystal's been looking for a new apartment." Lydia reapplied her gloss and spoke nonchalantly.

"Yea, I'm getting kicked out in 2 weeks." Crystal frowned.

"No way! Why?" Lydia's deskmate, Jude, asked, as confused as Taemin.

This was their usual group – Crystal, Taemin, Jude and Lydia. All of them ended up in a group project in the first year since they were desk mates, and figured out they get along quite well, so they kept to their small entourage and became close, one could say even friends.

"The owner decided to sell." Crystal sighed deeply. She was in deep shit, and she kinda resented Lydia for reminding her of this.

"What? Why haven't you told me?" Taemin asked, hurt, almost with a whine. He was easily affected by people not confiding in him, especially if he's confided in them before, and he did; out of their small group of friends, he was the closest to Crystal, and they spent many late nights on the phone discussing his problems.

Never hers – he noticed bluntly once again.

She never talked about herself.

"I just found out, Taeminnie. Lydia was just with me when he called yesterday." Crystal clarified, patting the boy's back. She knew how high her walls could get, and she could tell that Taemin wanted to ask more, but instead, they just shared a short glance and her smile reassured him that she's okay.

"That's so shitty of him. In the middle of the semester, too. How are you supposed to find a new place?!" Jude complained loudly, chewing on some piece of gum – peppermint flavoured.

Jude was the princess type. She grew up surrounded by all sorts of riches, since she was the only child of a big conglomerate owner. He spoiled her rotten, but she figured out early on in life that she doesn't want to rely on daddy's money forever. She wanted to do something more, using her own powers. She wanted to start her own fashion brand and make it successful without banking on her father's name.

"No idea." Crystal sighed. She hasn't even started looking yet, but the situation was dire. Money was scarce, rooms or apartments in the winter months were scarcer.

"2 weeks notice should be illegal." Jude scoffed.

"Tell me about it!"

"I actually have a friend who's been looking for a roommate. Maybe... it could work out and you could move in with him?" Taemin started, before Lydia intervened.

"A him? Taemin, dear, don't set Crystal up for being abused." Lydia intervened.

"Abused?! He would never-"

"Let's not get haste." Crystal spoke. "It doesn't matter if it's a she or a he. No one's gonna abuse anyone."

"You have too much faith in people." Lydia retorted, and Crystal knew it was coming from a place of hurt. Lydia's been wounded before. She knew, without having to ask her about it. She pieced it together during their talks in-between study sessions, and she knew at least a bit of the extent to which Lydia has trusted someone else, who ended up hurting her really badly.

It was hard for her to trust others.

"This is a crisis!" Jude spoke, loudly again. She somehow seemed the most disturbed by this, even if it had practically nothing to do with her.

"Anyways," Crystal interrupted them all, "how much is he charging?"

---

"Hmm, a friend of yours, you say? Do I know him?" Minho smiled, tying his shoes. Taemin went to see him before his football practice specifically so they could talk about this pressing matter.

Crystal needed help, and he wanted to help somehow. It was the first time he felt he could be of use to her, so he made it his #1 mission to make this work somehow.

"She's a girl. And no, I don't think so. She's my desk mate, but she's not really... the type of person you'd associate with, I guess."

"What do you mean by that?" Minho raised an eyebrow.

"I mean... she's not really... her family's not rich or anything." He tried explaining, but stumbled on his words. He knew Crystal worked at a restaurant somewhere, but he realised he knew next to nothing about her private life otherwise. Did her family live here, and if they did, why didn't she live with them?

He felt like a bad friend.

"You think I only associate with rich people?" Minho chuckled. This type of things never mattered to him. It was true, he was more fortunate than most, being born with a diamond spoon in his mouth, but he never let money be a deciding factor in what type of people he kept around him.

"It's not that... but she works a lot and doesn't really hang out or anything. I'm just saying it would be surprising if you knew her." Taemin tried explaining, and he was glad that Minho didn't seem to want to ask anything more.

"Hmm. I see." Minho hummed.

A girl was not exactly his idea of a new roommate, but if what Taemin said was true, she was the type of person who would move in with him because she needed the place, not because it was him. That was comforting in a way. It would also fill the void of Key's absence, because what Minho hated more than anything was an empty apartment.

"So? How much do you charge?" Taemin asked after a few seconds.

"Well, the apartment complex is, as you know, right next to the campus. A room in my complex usually starts at 750$, but... let's say, maybe, 500$?"

---

"500?!" Crystal exclaimed.

"Well, it's right next to campus..."

"Wow. I mean, yea, it's a good deal, but... sorry Taeminnie, you wasted your time." Crystal frowned. "I barely earn 500$ with tips, so..."

"Oh." Taemin stood silent for a moment. He had no idea how much she made. As Minho said, the price for a room here could start at 750$ and no one would bat an eye, but it was apparently a life-changing sum for Crystal, that she couldn't afford.

"I'm sorry." Crystal patted his shoulder. "And thank you for asking, really."

"Don't. I haven't done anything..." Taemin's expression saddened. He wasn't able to help her with anything, after all.

"Of course you did! You asked your friend, and he was offering a really good price for the area, it's just that it's out of my budget. But you helped a lot!" The girl praised Taemin, trying to be her cheerful self.

What did she expect? Obviously Taemin wouldn't have a friend with an apartment that she could afford.

Still, that was not his fault, and she didn't want him to feel bad for things out of his control. He did his best.

---

~4 days later~

"I really like today's pork chop." Minho said while munching on his food, grabbing a spoonful of rice as well.

"Yea, and the soup is great." Jinki added while he ate happily, like a little kid.

"By the way, what happened with your girl friend who was looking for an apartment?" Minho raised his head to look at Taemin. Ever since that talk a few days ago, he hasn't heard anything anymore.

"Wait, does Taemin have a girlfriend? Which one?" Key asked shocked and started looking around the cafeteria.

"No, dummy." Minho laughed. "Girl friend as in a friend who is a girl."

"Great phrasing, dumbass." Key rolled his eyes.

"Oh, she said it's a great offer and thanked you, but she refused." Taemin took a bite of his food. He got sad once again for not being able to help more, and he absent mindedly glanced over Crystal's table. She was, as usual, seated with Jude and Lydia, and her back was turned to him.

"Rejected even outside a relationship." Jinki spoke, earning a side glare from Minho.

"But why?" Minho couldn't help but ask. Taemin seemed really eager to find out if he would want her as a roommate.

"Too expensive." Taemin clarified.

To that, Minho didn't know what to say. 500$ meant nothing to him, and to most people in this cafeteria.

"Who was it, though? The one who rejected Minho." Key grinned.

"The girl in the floral sundress at that table. Her name's Crystal." Taemin spoke and pointed out to the girl with the back turned on them, sitting a few tables over.

---

"An apple again?" Jude frowned.

"You know the saying... an apple a day keeps the doctor away!" Crystal smiled.

"You can't keep eating just an apple for lunch every day. How do you have energy?" Jude asked in a worried tone.

"Hard will." Crystal shrugged. "Don't worry, if my body needed anything else, I would've eaten it."

A lie.

She did feel hungry most times, but that was okay. Hunger pangs came in overwhelming waves only late at night, if the restaurant was especially busy and she wouldn't have time to munch on anything.

"She's right, you know?" Lydia spoke while eating the cafeteria's lunch. She changed subjects quickly enough, with a follow-up question. "Are you browsing apartments again?"

"Mhm." Crystal frowned. "I have to move out in exactly 10 days and still have no idea where I'll go."

"You really didn't find anything?" Jude bent over the table trying to glance into Crystal's phone. "Your screen's broken."

"Nah. Everything in my price range is crap." Crystal chuckled and ignored the comment about her phone. She didn't have money to replace it right now, anyway.

"How can you even laugh in that situation? I would stress myself out to no end!" Jude exclaimed.

"You're so dramatic." Lydia rolled her eyes at her desk mate.

"Well, I am stressed out, but besides looking at advertisements, what can I do? Adding more stress is pointless."

"See? She has it all figured out." Lydia added and smiled at Crystal, feeling proud that she was keeping herself together so well.

"I wish I had your resolve." Jude said. "If you don't find anything in 10 days, you can always move in with me until you find something."

"I would never." Crystal chuckled. "I don't want to disturb you."

"You wouldn't!" Jude jumped in immediately, and then her attention shifted somewhere behind Crystal, and she started waving. Crystal, curious as she is, turned her head around and saw Taemin waving at them enthusiastically.

Then, he gestured towards her and asked her to come over.

Weird. She thought. He was with his other group of friends, and he's never asked any of them to join him before. But still, she got up and took her half-eaten apple – the only lunch of the day – and headed towards Taemin. She didn't recognise any of the men at the table, but then again, she didn't really know anyone outside the people from her class, so that wasn't so surprising.

"Crystal! You're shining today as usual!" Taemin complimented the girl and ushered her to sit down next to him, taking her into a side hug as soon as she sat down.

"Oh, shut up!" She chuckled and hugged him back. He would always make small jokes at her name, telling her she shines like a Crystal, and she would always find them funny and laugh, because Taemin was the only one who didn't make fun of her maliciously. He genuinely found the name funny.

Kids when she was younger would poke fun at the fact that she was poor and had such an unfitting name-

"Everyone, this is my friend and desk mate, Crystal. Crystal, this next to me is Kibum, and in front of us are Jinki and Minho." Taemin interrupted her train of thoughts, and she focused on the names of his friends, trying to remember them as much as she could.

"Pleasure to meet you." She showed her sweet smile, and the boys returned her pleasantries.

"So, how's your apartment hunt going?" Taemin asked.

"Oh, is that why you wanted me to come here?" Crystal chuckled nervously.

"Yea."

"We could've talked in class." She smiled, and Taemin felt as if she was scolding him. Still, she replied. "It's not really going anywhere. I saw a few rooms yesterday but no luck so far."

"Were they ugly?"

"Very! Some of them were full of mold, or had an active cockroach infestation-"

"Ew!" Taemin grimaced at the thought of cockroaches. He hated all insects with a passion.

"Right?! I saw at least 5 and I took two steps inside. I'm scared to death of them!"

"Me too! They are horrible, and their little legs-"

"What's your budget?" Minho asked all of a sudden, interrupting Taemin and taking Crystal by surprise. She almost forgot other people were at the table, with how one-sided the conversation's been. Taemin excluded all of them from the start, when he asked her something personal his friends had no interest in knowing.

"Uhm..." Crystal tucked her hair behind her right ear, a bad habit she wanted to get rid of that showed she was uncomfortable.

"Taemin said 500$ is over the budget." Minho pressed.

"Oh." Crystal laughed, feeling a bit embarrassed. "You must be the friend with the apartment, then."

"Yea, he's the guy I told you about." Taemin confirmed.

"How much have you been paying until now?"

"Well, I was paying 200$, but with how much the market exploded, I could go to maybe 250$ with utilities. Would still be a bit over, but manageable if I cut a few more costs." She absent-mindedly looked at the apple. Obviously, an apple wouldn't be making a dent through her savings, but she thought in horror how many dinners she'd start skipping once she paid 50$ more monthly, especially on nights when she didn't work.

If she worked, the restaurant would usually cover one meal at least.

"Okay." Minho nodded and crossed his arms. "Are you a tidy person?"

"Huh?" She raised her eyebrows. This question took her by surprise.

"She's the tidiest person!" Taemin exclaimed. "Always spotless! You should see her notes, and how she arranges her pens on the table!"

"That sounds like OCD-" Key started before Taemin elbowed his side.

"Okay, then how about 150$?"

"Sorry?" Crystal tilted her head.

"I'm asking you if 150$ would be a good price for you to move in with me."

"150$? But-"

"Yea, I just want to move in with someone after my dear Kibum left me dry." Minho glanced at Key.

"Still, from 500$ to 150$... you'd certainly find someone else to pay you even more..." Crystal chuckled.

"He doesn't need money." Jinki shrugged.

"So? Is that okay? Should we go see the apartment after class?" Minho insisted.

Crystal found him pushy, but still, she agreed with an uncertain nod, so he took out his phone from the back pocket of his jeans and handed it over to the girl.

"Your number?" He smiled, and she looked at Taemin unsure, who just nodded and smiled back at her.

She grabbed the phone and typed in her number, then gave it back to Minho.

"I'll message you later." He said, then took his empty tray and got up from the table.

---

Chapter 2

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faelid · 1 year

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Malignatas: Chapter V

Consider this my corpse being driven across the finish line in a hearse. Obviously I can't be trusted with multi-chapter fics...

Let's just pretend I posted this a year ago, yeah?

Malignatas, a KihyunxReader mini-series

Chapter 5: The Storm

WC: 2.2k

Summary: You and Kihyun thought you knew what you were getting into when you decided to make your relationship public. Neither of you were prepared for a curse from a spiteful fan, cast to keep you apart forever.

[Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4]

It’s a lot to take in, hearing it second hand.

It’s not the shock floors that you, leaves you stupefied. It’s that you didn’t see it coming. And somehow, it seems like you should have.

The recording continues, but you don’t hear anything else. Kihyun’s frozen face, a mirror to your own, looks like he still can’t believe what he’s telling you. It would be funny in a different lifetime. Today, it’s lost on you.

An avalanche of thought drowns out the silence, and you don’t notice the others coming back, voices talking amongst themselves.

Does the board know? It seems unlikely. They're usually more concerned about keeping the company profitable, and cutting into Kihyun’s practice time is unlikely to get them the results they desire. Which means it's personal?

But why? And why Kihyun? He can’t have been the first idol to date someone; in fact, you know for fact that he’s not the first to have a relationship, let alone a longer one.

Were you the target? Did you do something to offend someone, other than dating an idol? Hard to see how, when you were no one of any import.

Should you even stay? Is it worth pushing back against Starship of all people, when Kihyun is still under contract; when the others are still under contract? Will fighting back now just bring everyone else down with you?

It’s a torrent of agony; yes, I want this over with and but what about everyone else, pitting you against your compassion, your friends. What if confronting them isn’t enough? How can you possibly stop someone at that level, prevent them from lashing out again later?

It takes more than one knock at the door to startle you out of your reverie. Changkyun eventually has to stick his head in, carefully looking anywhere but at you, and it’s his voice that grounds you.

“Noona? Are you…okay?” He bites his lip, and you choke down your panic. The answer is “obviously not”, but it’s hard to know what else to say besides "yes".

You can’t blame him. “We brought you fried chicken. You can’t eat in here, though.” He doesn’t say alone, but you hear it anyway.

You fake optimism until your cheeks hurt and you’re sure the mask is fading, impatience crinkling in your eyes. They do their best to distract you, to fill you in on the details of their plan – none of them seem to share your concerns, not thinking past having an end in sight. You wish it could be that easy for you, and you know you’re being ungrateful because they’ve had a long night, and they’ve clearly been thinking things through – Jooheon and Minhyuk fall asleep against each other on the couch before you’re free to sneak away, when Hyungwon and Changkyun, too calm to drown out your thoughts, can’t keep the anxiety at bay any longer.

It calls for another round of poorly scrawled messages for Kihyun, a personal diary cum deeply emotional penpal letter. You outline drawbacks, potential solutions, things he maybe hadn't quite thought of, yet.

It’s not that the plan is lacking; between what you gathered earlier and replaying the end of Kihyun’s video message, the whole thing is rather sound. It has padding built-in, enough to support the most pressing outstanding question – how much time does you have during the eclipse?

Packing the go-bag is harder than it looks, but it makes for a nice distraction. The outfit you feel strongest in, the most put-together – no reason to show up slovenly; you don’t want to give Kim Ha Jun the satisfaction of even a minute victory.

***

When the day finally comes, they leave Kihyun to fend for himself. The backpack goes with Minhyuk to one of the nearer practice rooms, close enough to barrel down the hall if needed; secure enough to wait a few hours if she changes at the beginning of the eclipse.

Kihyun eyes the door before him, the gold lettering glinting at him like a challenge, and grits his teeth. He would be CEO one day. He would make Starship a better place for all idols, for anyone in the entertainment industry. A refuge. At the helm of Starship, he’d take the K-pop industry to a future they’d hardly dared to believe in.

Eventually.

But first things first. A calming breath, straighten the sweater – a knock at the door.

The appointment was scheduled; he’d been expected. But Kim Ha Jun feigned surprise at his presence, anyway. A joyous, imagine-seeing-you-here response to his knock, gesturing him in like they hadn’t seen each other in years, offering refreshments.

Kihyun perches uncomfortably on the edge of the leather sofa and tries to ignore it, just like he’d always politely ignored the man’s terrible taste in cologne, secure in the knowledge that he’d always have warning before Kim Ha Jun showed up.

“Kihyun!” The man bellows. “Have you seen your charts for this month? Streaming is still high – better than we expected, don’t you think?” The man who was CEO of Starship wasn’t endowed with a fatherly aura, but it didn’t stop him from trying. The result was a discomfiting dissonance of corporate interest and the misplaced boundaries of an overly-friendly uncle. “You have great things ahead of you, my boy, great things!”

Kihyun suppresses a shudder and smiles instead. “Only with your vision and guidance, sir. None of us would be here without you.” Ha Jun smiles, pleased with the compliment, and Kihyun glances surreptitiously at his watch. He’d prepared conversational topics – questions, ideas – in the event that he has to stall for up to an hour.

Except right now, he can’t remember any of them, and it’s been less than ten minutes.

He falls back on the safest, most surefire way to keep oneself out of a conversation with a narcissist:

He asks for Kim Ha Jun’s opinion.

---

When you walk through the door nineteen minutes and thirty-six seconds later, Kihyun could nearly melt with relief, and not just because he’s seeing you in person for the first time in over a year. That part feels too surreal to even put a thought to, like an apparition he’d caught out of the corner of his eye, except it was standing in front of him.

You were standing in front of him. In front of both of them.

Kim Ha Jun, though, looks more surprised than anything. Eyebrows raised to the sky, he frowns. “You’re still around?”

The way he says it scares you, a free admission of guilt. Confronted with a problem he thought resolved ages ago. As if you were meant to have vanished entirely, a speck of lint flicked carelessly off his lapel.

A lapel you only barely restrain yourself from grabbing, from shaking until the last oily strands of hair fell from his head.

“I don’t believe we’ve met in person.” You say, rigid with anger at his dismissal. Kihyun moves to your side, lends you the protection of his presence. “But yes, I am still here. I’m here and I’m pissed off, in case you were wondering. You took away six months out of my life, out of Kihyun’s career, which for all intents and purposes should be a major detriment to the company and for what? Because you didn’t like me? Because I wasn’t good enough for your idol?” With no attempt at moderation, your tone rises, and you find yourself trying not to lose your breath by the end.

Kim Ha Jun still looks unaffected. He doesn’t disrespect you further by refilling his glass, but he inspects it as if it were tempting.

“It wasn’t meant to last. You were a distraction. You would become more of a distraction. Kihyun is in the prime of his career. I can’t afford to have him moping about over a heartbreak – let the other companies lose their fortunes over women and relationships.”

“How was this not a distraction?!” Kihyun bursts. “Do you know what we’ve been through? How agonizing it has been? I wouldn’t have thrown away my career over a break-up – I’d have been sad and gotten over it, like anyone else. That’s normal. That’s life.”

The glass slams onto the table, and you both startle. Ha Jun braces himself on the desk. “It wasn’t meant to be a continued distraction.” He says, eyes flashing. “I was…expediting the matter. Once she was over you, once she decided that ‘idols were too much effort’ – “ he says it mockingly, and suddenly it’s very, very clear that this is about more than you and Kihyun – “then *poof*. You’d be all back to normal Kihyun, and she’d be out of your life for good; all problems solved.”

“And what about her? What would have happened? You think we just…wouldn’t see each other again, that I wouldn’t wonder what had happened to her?” Kihyun is bristling, his face bright red.

Ha Jun smiles a slow, nasty smile. “You’d have a new, one of kind watch, my young flexer.”

The enormity of his implication makes the silence stretch around it. Diabolical enough to forcibly separate you, but setting it up to make you disappear, to punish you for choosing yourself over the farce your life had become? Rather than murdering you outright?

A cold shiver runs down your spine, and your hairs stand on end. In a different world, you might wonder who hurt you? Instead, you fight the gaping maw of terror that's opening, the rapid realization of how horrible a person you face.

"That was not your decision to make!” Kihyun is angry; you both are. But he's also scared, and you can feel his body quivering where it brushes yours. "She had every right to leave me. She had more right to leave me because of you. And she didn't, and I'm grateful. But I never would have blamed her. I would have wanted her to be happy, just like she would have wanted for me." His hand slips into yours, maybe for show, maybe for solidarity. Maybe just for strength.

Neither of you has to do it alone.

"Do you know what that's like? To want someone else to be happy? Whoever she was, she didn't belong to you, Kim Ha Jun." Quieter this time, you're not asking so much as wondering aloud. "She deserved every chance to make her life better, and if being with you didn't improve her life, she had every right to leave."

"She chose me; it's true." Kihyun says, and it's hard to tell who is gripping who harder; both of your knuckles are white, like a storm may come and blow one of you away. "But I also chose her." He glances at you, and you see sorrow in his eyes. "I wish I could have chosen her more often."

It's a confession, but not one you weren't aware of. He'd always worried more about you than himself, would have had you spend your time working your career, your passion, rather than chasing traces of myths and magic.

When you respond, it's to him, and not to Ha Jun. "I love you."

Not "I would do it again"- you'd really, truly rather not. And not "you're worth it", either, because no one could be worth that total loss of self agency. But knowing you could be better? Working together towards that improvement?

That's the partner you want.

Who knows how it may have turned out, without the misdirected vengeance of Kim Ha Jun? Would you be the same people? Would you have become the same strong couple?

In the end, there is no storm. There's no whipping winds or flashes of lightning; just light. Painfully, impossibly bright, it floods the room, blinds you until the only tangible sense you have left is the deathgrip that connects you to Kihyun.

When it fades, Kim Ha Jun is gone.

Standing in the middle of the room, finally free, you find yourself alone with Kihyun at last, both of you human and heaving, emotions still running high. A blanket of silence hovers between you as you lock eyes, and it might have lasted an eternity if not for the alarm on Kihyun’s phone marking the end of the eclipse.

All it takes is one ragged crook of the lips – it’s from one of your playlists, nothing he’d have ever picked for himself – and then you’re flinging yourself into his arms. You’re not sure who’s holding who, laughing and crying at once as you sink to the floor in a trembling heap.

Surely only a matter of minutes, it still feels like hours could have passed before the rest of the group bursts in, expecting the worst.

The ensuing chaos is a good excuse, but the reality is that neither of you was in any state to notice. It's not until Minhyuk starts to usher everyone back to the dorms for a proper celebration and privacy that someone finds Ha Jun's empty glass lying on the floor in front of the desk.

Next to it is a little analog clock, its little analog brain tick-ticking quietly away. It looks cheap for the room, black plastic and an acrylic cover, more at home in a garage sale from the 90's than in a CEO's office.

You're not sure what will become of it when the board appoints its new CEO, but you don't find it in yourself to care much, either. The door closes soundly behind you, and you don't spare it another thought.

You have the future to consider.

A/N: Epilogue coming tomorrow! Thanks for reading!!

[Epilogue}

#MONSTA X FANFIC #MONSTA X READER #MONSTA X IMAGINES #YOO KIHYUN #IM CHANGKYUN #LEE MINHYUK #CHAE HYUNGWON #LEE JOOHEON #SON HYUNWOO #LADYHAWKE #I did it I finished a multichapter fic #I can end my self-enforced isolation!!

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imsailorpluto · 2 years

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True Beauty - spoilers; ep 1, 2

tw: bullying, violence, suixxxcide

Our main character is Lim Ju-kyung, a girl who's been bullied for her looks ever since she was a child. Everyone's belittling her, starting with her family, to school peers, she just can't catch a break. She's trying to make her life easier by going with the flow, but nothing seems to work.

Oh girl, looks are not the single most important thing, it's all about the attitude. Her teen life would have been so much better if she at least had some support from her own family. This show has already got me screaming "protect this child at all cost" (⁠╯⁠ರ⁠ ⁠~⁠ ⁠ರ⁠)⁠╯⁠︵⁠ ⁠┻⁠━⁠┻

I'd put a large warning sign, for the first episode especially. It's a lot. I'm a grown up, and it triggered me so badly, honestly gave me so much anxiety. There are scenes of severe bullying: both harsh language and physical violence, which leads Ju-kyung to the point of wanting to end her own life by jumping off a building. Thankfully she gives up the idea in the last moment. Second episode also has a few scenes of bullying, so consider yourself warned. I'm pretty sure the whole series will be addressing this problem so it might not be for everyone, especially if you've been through something similar yourself.

If something like this ever crosses your mind, just please reach out to adult you can talk to, tell them about your problems and I promise they will help. Every reasonable adult will surely help. Just don't make the worst possible option. There is always a way out, a solution

Thankfully, everything worked out in her favour and, well, she didn't go through with it. I'm glad that dramas address bullying so seriously. Even though I am sure it brought back bad memories to lots of viewers, myself included, rasing awareness of tragedies which bullying causes is extremely important. If we ignore it, it won't magically disappear. It needs to be addressed and it needs to be prevented for real. People need to stop acting like the cave men.

Well, after that it all kind of went uphill, the drama dynamics changes, and it starts turning into a comedy. Thankfully, due to some other unfortunate events, our main ugly duckling changes her life completely. Her family is forced to move back to their old house, which is far far away from her bullies, and so she finally gets a transfer to another school. Oh and, she masters the art of make-up so well, that she becomes unrecognisable. To the point of becoming the beauty queen of her new school.

Even though my inner skin-care obsession is making me scream at the screen for her not going to a good dermatologist, because it's just her skin breaking out and that can easily be fixed and she could've live a stress-free life (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

Anyways, seems like she made two really good friends. But bullies from the previous school left some serious scars on her. If you watched this, then the following screenshot will be more than familiar.

I almost cried at this. It literally hurts to watch this scene. Her friends are asking about food and her initial response is to rush and get them what they want. They're showing what it looks like when you've been victimised for so long by others, your responses become so f*cked up honestly. And there's so much repair you have to do afterwards. Make-up isn't enough.

Girl on the left is such a girlboss. She has her friends' back. I mean, she literally chased a perv and handed him over to the police. To help our girl. Loyalty level so high nobody can catch up... (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

Hopefully she'll stay like that till the end. The one on the right is such a cinnamon roll. I can't imagine her doing anything bad to anyone. Hopefully they'll stick together and stay friends.

The main girlie is also actually a girlboss, she just needs to be reminded of it. Plus, she doesn't know it yet but being yourself is always the best option, no matter what. It's too bad they don't teach us that at schools.

I mean, come on, heavy metal and horrors? We'd sooo be besties in high school. Personality over looks, always!

Of course this can't go right without the main male lead, Lee Su-ho. He's the guy on that second screenshot, taken from a scene when he "rescues" our main girl. She can't see him though as her glasses got knocked off her face, but he memorises her bare face well. It becomes obvious he lost a friend to sui*ide. And as we find out later on, he is extremely smart, does martial arts and lives separately from his dad. That makes no sense at first but then we also find out his dad is the world's greatest a**hole. So, yeah, there's a lot of baggage from his side as well.

Well, soon enough things start to get complicated, as expected, Su-ho ends up being Ju-kyung's new classmate who enjoys long walks to her favourite comic store. So, now she has to do all these silly things just so he doesn't find out her true identity. You know, it happens also that she goes with no make up to the comic store but with full face to school and the poor guy has zero clue that the new girl at school and the comic girl(the girl he saved) are the same person.

I wonder how long will hiding the truth work out. Judging by our girlie's character, not too long (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠) but it's all right.

I almost forgot about the second male lead, Han Seo-jun. He's the "bad boy", but I bet he's actually the main cinnamon roll of this series. It's just ... a kdrama thing, let's say.

Of course his motorcycle helmet is now owned by our main girl, don't even ask how, just go watch this precious kdrama.

Till next time, Sailor Pluto

♡

P.s. I know many watched True Beauty because Eunwoo is starring, I didn't even know he's such a big deal in Korea, ooops, i hope you don't get mad at me for saying that. In my defence I really don't know much about Korean scene, I know maybe 5 k-pop songs from groups that probably no longer exist, and I watch kdramas because I find them more funny and relaxing than what's usually available. So. That is it. Hope you enjoyed these scribbles. If you made it till here - thank you so much, feel free to leave me a message with your suggestions and drama recommendations. xo

#true beauty #kdrama #imsailorpluto #kdrama recommendations #kdrama review #lee suho #lim jukyung #han seojun #kang sujin

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sheloooveswomen · 2 years

Text

dodie songfic storyline - billie dean howard x reader

masterlist

summary: I was feeling angsty, sorry. don’t worry there’s a happy ending. I have mixed emotions about this, meaning I kind of hate it. THIS HAS NO CONNECTION TO ANY OF MY OTHER BILLIE FICS!! all songs are by dodie.

includes: billie x fem!reader, thoughts are italicized and lyrics are in bold, POV switches.

warnings: unedited.

split into four sections four the four songs:

1. let go (demo) - your POV 2. one last time, please (demo) - billie's POV 3. in the bed (demo) - billie’s POV 4. intertwined - your POV

4,458 words

PART 1 - I never understood how something can hurt so good until now. It seems I'm addicted to this kind of pain.

Y/N POV//

The tv is on but I don't know what's playing and I don't care. Why am I even expecting her to call? It's not like we're an actual couple. We're just having fun, right? Idiot. This was never just for fun and you know it.

We were friends and then friends with benefits and now this weird in between place where we're like girlfriends in every way except the title.

I'm just sat by the phone like a fool. I repeatedly check my notifications and sigh when it's the same as it was the minute before. No texts. No call. The time laying over a photo of our smiling faces. Hours have passed and I made a list of reasons why I shouldn't love you.

I don't know how many times it's been now but I wait and then it's dark again. I don't really know what to make of it other than the words that play over and over in my head:

So I care and you don't care Hey, did you hear that? No, she don't care like you do

I'm tired of sitting on the couch but I can't bring myself to go into our bedroom- her room, you useless lesbian. Oh what a space in the bed we've shared. I do have my own apartment, but somewhere along the line my staying over became more common. Then Billie gave me a key and said I could stop by to water her plants or just to hang out while she's away.

I check my phone again and scowl at the image of her beautiful face. I should know better. I should forget about this- about you but I can't help ignoring the danger just to feel you in my head. Jumping between comfort and pain.

During her tours and shoots I usually suck it up but that's not what this is, is it? No, it's not, quite the same. It's not just distance 'cause I care and you don't care.

Hey, did you hear that? No, she don't care like you do Let go Everything's telling you to let go I think it's time now to let go

I've gone over every possible scenario, conversation, solution, and outcome like I always do to prepare myself. It never helps but still I do it anyways. Remember your training and just let go.

There is a night I return to where I would've sworn on it you loved me like I loved you.

That time we were stuck in ungodly traffic and a song we both love came up in the queue and we sang along. She looked at me and smiled like I mattered to her- like I was all that mattered to her. Like she loved me.

Who am I kidding? I check my phone again, past midnight now. Great. Wasted another day still hoping that you say that.

She could at least tell me she's bored of me...

My heart stops when my screen lights up, only to see it says low power mode is now turned off and my phone is sufficiently charged. Yay for me. What are you still doing here, y/n?

I care but you don't care Hey, did you hear that? No, she don't care like you do Let go Everything's telling you to let go Remember your training and just let go, let go I think it's time now to let go It's time now to let go

PART 2 / A MONTH LATER - You brought something out of me. If I could keep you like this forever I would.

BILLIE POV//

"Hey..." I didn't expect to come home to this but in a way I should have. There's a duffle bag open on my bed, already half filled. As if I don't already know I ask "What're you doing?"

Y/n doesn't reply immediately but when she does it's quieter than I expected, "What does it look like?" there's no hostility in her voice, "I came by to get my things. I left my key on the hook by the door, I'll be out of your way soon."

I look down at the aforementioned object in my hand, the key now feeling far heavier than it is as I pocket it, "Can we talk about this?"

She spares me a glance when she turns to place more of her belongings in the bag, "This isn't working anymore, you've made that clear. What is there to talk about?" Y/n's voice is as drained as she probably feels based on her lack of expression. Her voice completely lacking its usual melody, leaving a heavy feeling in my stomach.

My heart sinks further as my own panic sets in, "You don't have to go I—"

"You've given me no reason to stay, Billie."

"Babydo—"

She squeezes her eyes shut briefly, "Don't."

"Okay." I answer quickly, nodding over and over like an idiot. Dammit, think of something- anything to get that look off her face.

I take a few steps in her direction, freezing when she steps back and crosses her arms. My words almost die in my throat, "Can we just take a step back? Breathe. Think about this and sit down and talk about it tomorrow?"

She hesitates but her words are sure, "I've had a lot of time to think, Billie Dean. You've given me more than plenty of alone time." her eyes dart all over her stuff like she's running through a mental checklist.

I use this time to stand behind her without her noticing. I need more time, "One last time, please?"

She exhales shakily, "What?"

My arms hesitantly encircle her waist, "Lay down with me?" I say. Its selfish but I'd like to act like you're mine, again. I somehow manage to keep the last part to myself.

Her laugh is strained, almost painful, "I'm not having sex with you, Billie." she pries my arms off of her and spins to face me, "Are you kidding me—"

"No! Baby- Y/n, that isn't what I meant." is that how I've made her feel, for that to be her assumption? I flail for an answer, "I mean- I just thought maybe- just for a moment can we pretend that's everything's fine. I'm sure we could both use a breather. I know I have no right to ask you for anything, I know that." Please say yes.

She glances towards our bed, worrying her bottom lip before speaking in a soft voice, "It won't change anything."

"That's not my intention. We could just lay down and pretend? I guess that's what I'm asking- I'm not entirely sure." I shrug half heartedly, offering a smile that surely doesn't reach my eyes.

Y/n's brow furrows in contemplation, her resolve hopefully wavering, "Lay down and pretend that nothing's changed at all?" she plops down at the edge of the bed, turning my words over in her head.

I run an anxious hair through my hair, realizing how stupid that sounds, "Just one last time, please?"

Tears form in her eyes again and I hate myself all the more for it. We can say goodbye again but just for a moment. I can spend the time thinking of ways to beg her to stay, to say it's not the end.

Itching to be closer, I take a seat at the end of the bed beside her and reach for her hand. Nervous as if it were the first time.

"Will you see me like you did before? Before all of this I mean, as friends?"

Her head starts to shake, almost as if she's unable to process it herself, "I don't kno—" a sob rips through her chest.

"Okay," I wrap and arm over her shoulders, resting my lips on top of her head, "it's- okay. That's okay, I understand. Just one night more." And then I'll close the door and somehow step into a world without you. That is something I can't even begin to understand.

Cliche lines keep popping into my head instead of something to say: you never know how much you need something until you lose it, if you love something set it free and maybe it'll come back if you're really damn lucky. hindsight and all that.

My own sniffling brings me back. I start rocking us back and forth, mumbling to myself, "One last time, please. I know it's said and done—" my chin quivers when she turns her forehead into my neck.

I somehow manage to pull away. Placing her bag on the floor. Out of sight, out of mind, hopefully. I kick off my heels and gather the courage to look at her. Quickly exchanging my skirt for a pair of sweatpants and rolling my silk sleeves up to my elbows.

Y/n stares at the floor the whole time, arms crossed protectively over her stomach. She looks up when I stand in front of her. She closes her eyes when I bend to kiss her forehead. She bites down on her bottom lip when I kiss her eyelids and brush her tears away.

I gently pull her to stand up, guide her to her designated side of the bed, and pull the covers back for her to get in. I quickly move to get in on my own side, my eyes on her the whole time as if she'll disappear.

Once settled I exhale in relief when she accepts my embrace, "I'll take a night with you." I say as more of a comfort to myself than her. I run the back of my fingertips over her arm, trying to soothe my girl- not mine. Shut up.

"Billie?"

I swallow the lump in my throat and it morphs to an ache in my heart, "Yes?"

"I think I might fall asleep..."

I pull her closer against myself, "I could wake you up in a bit if you still wanna go." I don't even recognize my own voice, "Or we can rise with the sun?" I try for a lighter tone hoping it'll make the offer sound more appealing.

"Okay..."

Thank god. "But till then you deserve some rest." I take a deep breath. Inhaling her shampoo and exhaling my growing anxiety.

"Alright." she rubs her cheek against my shoulder and images of every time she's done that flash through my mind.

My hand turns to a white knuckled fist as it clings to her sweater for dear life. A silent prayer asking -no, begging- to please be mine when I know it'll go unanswered. You have to ask to be answered, coward.

One time again is all...for now.

PART 3 / THE NEXT DAY - I dream of you constantly, day and night. I have to pinch myself when I wake up and you're still here.

BILLIE POV//

We slept until about 11am. I somehow convinced her to stay in bed while I whipped up some cereal for the both of us, wanting something quick so she doesn't have time to think about leaving yet.

Her eyes were half open while we ate in bed so I suggested we have a nap. Thank my lucky star she agreed. I'm still exhausted from my flight and Y/n does need some sleep so why not have a cuddle, too, right? Win win.

I wake up again a few hours later, surprised yet overjoyed to still feel the woman's leg linked between mine. Not in my arms as usual but equally as blissful. I have now been watching her like a creep for nearly half an hour- I have been caught.

Big, round eyes flutter open and lock with mine. Her realization of my closeness comes with a shy smile that leaves me feeling giddy like a child, with a magic to match.

Y/n yawns, "Good afternoon." she stretches like a cat, adjusting the strap of the tank top she's been wearing since she threw off her hoodie in the middle of the night.

It falls again when she moves to show a shoulder. She catches it before the front falls further down her chest, naked skin on the side like a crack in a door on a latch.

A sequence of our nights together followed by quiet mornings not unlike this one, tension aside, float through my brain. Sublime mornings with hot little hints of the night before. The thoughts in my mind toe a line between sexy and sick along with the range of feeling they provoke. Lovesick that is.

For the first time in my life it's not about sex. It comes from a feeling of wanting to be close to her, needing her so bad I don't even want clothes in the way. So much so that I deprive myself of her company to get my head on straight. I've realized sex has become the only time I can express what I feel without having to put it to words, and so I can't get enough of her. Coward.

I love sex, obviously, but it's never felt like just sex with her. It's never been fucking. Y/n isn't someone you just fuck (dirty talk aside, of course). We have something unnamable, although I have an idea in mind of what to call it.

"Hi there." I finally reply, her movements leaving me enamored by her beauty.

She sighs and settles back in her position: curled up on her side, facing me. Our hands once again clasped in the space between us and her cold feet warming themselves between my shins, "You're staring."

"Force of habit." I smile. Not for the first time I question what's the deal? How much to feel? How much to allow myself to feel? I know her so well but I still wonder will you think of me differently?

She opens her eyes again but shuts them tight when the light shines on her face. I sit up to block the sun with my body.

"I forget how bright it gets in here." she groans.

Without a second thought -without any thought actually- I rise from the bed and find myself drawing the blinds. I take her in with my eyes as I return to my bed and realize maybe I was thinking of you. Aren't I always?

"Thank you." she mumbles into her pillow.

If I wasn't already sure, I'd be positive now that I'm in love. If my brain could relax too, that'd be great. Poor lonely mind, it's getting confused. "It's nice out, today." is what I go with as a response instead of will you ever lie next to me in the bed that I dream of us in?

She sticks to the light topic as well, "It's supposed to be sunny all week."

"Spring has sprung, I guess." my hand darts out to push her hair behind her ear before I can stop it.

Y/n smiles softly as I re-intertwine our fingers. My heart flips and my brain short circuits. Breathe Billie Dean, rewire a dread, this whirring machine if you can't, cool it down steam is still steam.

She pulls the covers up and over her shoulder to make herself more comfortable. Good. Don't go. Will you ever know of this image of you that can soothe me to sleep?

"You're so beautiful." great job Billie, an excellent start. Y/n's eyes widen for a split second in surprise. I wasn't expecting it either, babe.

She briefly covers her face with her free hand, "My eyes are probably all puffy. Is my nose red?"

I can't help but boop said nose, "Just a little."

"What time is it?" she asks, thankfully sounding more curious than eager to leave.

I glance over my shoulder to check my phone, "Almost 4."

"Already? Didn't realize I was so sleepy." she hums.

"Me neither. I'm not keeping you from anything, am I?" my brow creases in concern.

"What in the world do we have at a quarter to four?"

I only smile in response to her sleepy voice. We just lay there. Probably thinking about everything and nothing.

"I want to apologize for the way I've treated you recently. I was being an ass and I knew that then but- it- I want to be clear that you did nothing and said nothing that caused that. Its no one's fault but my own and I was inconsiderate and—"

"Why did you do it then?"

The three words I want to say sit on the tip of my tongue and I choke down word vomit as her eyes meet mine. They lack the usual shine they have when she looks at me. Such a still, but so real disconnected, but beautifully raw so-

"Billie?"

"I care about you a lot- that doesn't make sense, ask me again."

She squints in confusion but goes along with it, "Why did you do it...?"

"I didn't know how to handle my feelings for you. That's childish, I know. I think of you when I wake up, when I'm driving, when I'm at work, all the way till I fall asleep. That's never happened to me before. No one has taken over my thoughts like this. Even when I'm with you, I'm thinking of you. So much so that I needed to take a step back, and I know that's not fair to you, but I needed to reevaluate everything I was thinking."

Y/n sits speechless so I continue.

"I would be doing something and then picture you there with me. What really clicked for me was when I was at a dinner party just before my last trip: instead of mingling and what not like I typically live for, all I could do was imagine you by my side in a suit and a tie that matches my dress- very hetero, as you would say, but still. You in a cute little suit by my side with a drink in hand." I run my thumb over her cheekbone, picturing it all over again. "So when I was around you after that I'd worry I'd say or do something and you'd find out right in half light and you'll think of me differently. I don't want to be afraid of that anymore. I want to enjoy the little things with you. I want to start every morning by drawing the blinds, thinking of you- tell me those are happy tears!"

Y/n wipes her cheek with the back of her hand, "They are." a variety of emotions flit across her face before she settles with a small grin, "I hoped but- I just thought my poor lonely mind, it's getting confused."

I take her face in my hands, "I never wanted the picket fence or whatever but I want something like that with you- only if you do, I mean. Will you lie next to me in the bed that I dream of us in? I want to do this right, though. The whole wining and dining and courting and wooing. Finding out everything about you all over again while being committed to you- not that I've been seeing anyone else I only mean to say—"

In one swift motion, she sits up on her elbow leans over to cut my frantic rambling off with a long awaited kiss, "Oh Billie." she traces my jawline, laying her forehead against mine.

We both sigh. In relief, joy, bliss, all of the good things and just like that I rewire a dread, this whirring machine I call my mind. I may explode. Be still my beating heart. If you can't, cool it down steam is still steam, "There's more for us to discuss but for now is that okay?"

She gives a watery smile -from happy tears of course- and nods enthusiastically, "Yes."

I nod along with her, "Good."

"You wanna watch a movie and order some late lunch?" she asks.

"You read my mind," I smile, "Ocean's 8 and mexican food?"

"You read my mind." Y/n repeats.

I order the food while she pulls up the movie. Sighing happily for the thousandth time when she curls into my side. I don't say those three little words yet, though. I don't want her to think it's a spur of the moment thing. So for now I'll enjoy the movie and her company. I steal a glance at my girl -because she will be- feeling a smile grow on my face as she mouthes the words to the film.

Will you ever know of this image of you that can soothe me to sleep?

Part 4 / TWO MONTHS LATER - You are like air to my lungs, but you constantly take my breath away. You impossible thing, you hold my life in your hands.

Y/N POV//

I don't know how we got here but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. We did talk the rest of that day and the next. A lot needed to be said, clarified, and confessed on both sides.

We hadn't slept together since before Billie's last trip almost three months ago. Not that either of us didn't want to because let's face it we are beyond attracted to each other in every way and Billie can't keep her hands to herself, but we agreed to take our time.

So last night was the first time we made love. Sickening.

That's not to say that we've been entirely touch free up to this point, either. We do kiss, hug, cuddle, occasionally have sleepovers, too. Only now we also go out on real dates, check in with each other throughout the day with an update from the last time we spoke or just to show we're thinking of the other, and- I don't really know actually. Not much is different from how we were before to be honest. Aside from the buried feelings that bloomed into what we have now.

Having decided that taking things much slower than we did before would help us grow as a real couple, we were tiptoeing around each other a bit. Treating our relationship like a temperamental flower growing in our joined hands. To stick with this awful flower metaphor for our relationship: we water it, make sure it sees the sun (public), dig in to check if the soil is okay, protect it from bugs, give more attention to it than the other when needed- you get it. I could not be happier than I am when laying by my girlfriend's side the way I am now. Feeling her skin on mine, her body heat.

"Bleh—" Billie pinches at her tongue.

"What are you doing?"

"There's a hair in my mouth," she chuckles, "probably yours."

"My hair in your mouth?"

"You shed like a cat." she wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me against her. Feet touching feet, "I might have to start calling you kitten instead."

"Don't you dare."

Her chest vibrates against my cheek with a laugh, "I know I know." she presses a kiss to my temple, "You're my babydoll. I missed you today. I missed this feeling...you and I, safe from the world." she runs a hand up and down my bare back.

"Though the world will try." I grumble.

Billie yawns, "Don't you worry your pretty little head about the shit they say. Hollywood and gossip are almost as perfectly matched as us." she laughs inwardly, kissing my forehead.

Oh, I'm more afraid of the things in my brain, but we can stay here and laugh away the fear.

I'd hate to base my mental health on my relationship status but I've been having fewer days where I feel numb or even fine. Not to say all my problems have magically vanished, that'd be silly. But I can easily turn to moments like now when we lay here just staring at each other like lovesick fools. I can call or text Billie and she'll always answer as soon as she can like she did before.

She constantly reminds me how much I matter to her, through words and actions. I think she surprises the both of us with how sappy or goofy she can get. Two words people would never think to describe her.

For example, she took me with her to an awards show 'to show me off'. As we got ready she would smile at me from across the room. That happens a lot, now. I'll look her way and her eyes will already be on me. She confessed that she always used to look away before I could catch her, but now she doesn't because 'my blushing makes her swoon'.

Back to the red carpet story, sorry. What a night that was! As the cameras flashed I whispered to her, "That's a fake smile."

Then she looked at me and grinned, "Only you create a rarity of my genuine smile. I'd give anything to be curled up with you on the couch right now."

The look in her eyes made my heart stop. My breathing too based on what she said next.

"You look nervous, so breathe," Billie laughed, "Breathe with me." she took a dramatic deep breath, earning a laugh from me, "There's my girl." she turned her head back to the cameras and we held hands the rest of the night.

Communication has become our greatest strength. My insecurities still creep up now and again, but I turn to Billie for comfort and reassurance instead of pushing her away. I can say hey can you drink all my thoughts 'cause I can't stand them? And she will. Then fill my thoughts with positive affirmations. There's another metaphor.

Sometimes she comes to me for the same thing. For some reasons my girlfriend has insecurities, so in those moments I do everything I can to take them away- kiss them away more often than not.

So now we lay intertwined, free. Taking turn tracing each other's features like it's our first time. I draw a path down her spine, over her hip to her belly button, and all the way up to the valley of her breasts to feel her heartbeat against my prom. I skin my fingertips across her collar bone and up her neck. My index finger glides along her jaw to the little mole by her mouth, and stops at her dimple. My finger dips into in when she smiles the smile I love most.

I've pinned each and every hope on you I hope you don't bleed with me I'm afraid of the things in my brain but we can stay here and laugh away the fear

#american horror story #ahs murder house #billie dean x reader #billie dean howard x reader #billie dean howard #x reader #sarah paulson #sarah paulson x reader

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kaesavage · 3 years

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I don't know if it's just my eyes or your angles but you look like you have gained some healthy weight and your waist looks so snatched too!😍 If you have, how did you do so? Bc some people are really struggling to gain weight but can't :( And do you use a waist trainer?

My dear, it is the angles 😩 but thank you anyway! 🥰

I’ve been on a weight gain course since 2013 and I’ve tried almost everything under the sun but I lose weight really quickly so I’m never able to maintain when I do gain.

Here are some tips though:

1. Appetite Medicines - Apetamin, Dynamogen, Cyprodine (these are the ones that have really worked for me)

2. Kenkey & Banku - These our local champions are magic. They are always my go to when I know I’ve hit rock bottom or I need fast results.

3. Protein Shakes - Never really been consistent with it so I can’t say what it has done for me but I know it’s worked for others. Be sure to look up the side effects though pls!

4. Lower body muscle workouts - Squats, lunges & friends. They are my best friend when I know I’m coming to wear jeans 🤣 At least if I haven’t gained real weight, it’ll sha swell me up a little for the time I need it. But on a serious p, this is one of, if not the best solution to long-term, healthy weight gain. It is easier to shed fat weight than muscle weight & you get to work the weight in the right places as opposed to just eating and allowing the food to follow its own instructions.

5. Sleep - I mean ofc, even if you want to lose weight you must sleep.

6. BBL

7. Just btw, to monitor your weight, let the scale be your friend but be highly reliant on your clothes that were big for you before — they show you exactly where you’re at.

Lastly, it’s not only you dear, it’s really not easy but you’ll get people to tell you “just eat” as if you’re an idiot. Anyway, keep at it and try as much as possible to be consistent (word to myself) and enjoy the progress and process.

Also, yes please, I use a waist trainer.

Pop in my dms and let’s talk more if you want to, I’m quite passionate about this topic lol! :)

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casual-eumetazoa · 4 years

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I saw in one of your tags you were asking about people not reblogging things. I do reblog stuff a lot of the time but the main reasons I might like and not reblog a piece of art are: It's good but there's something about the content I don't like — e.g. it's sad, it's a ship I don't really like, or there's something minor about it that I personally find unsettling or uncomfortable for a relatively ridiculous reason — or if I see quite a bit of content from this particular fandom but it's not one of my main fandoms and I only reblog the occasional thing relating to it. It's wanting to say "good job!" but also I don't want it saved on my blog. I can't guarantee whether other people's reasons are the same.

thank you for sharing your perspective!

i can tell for myself that when i like and don’t reblog something it’s usually for one of three reasons:

1) it is a random meme or joke or text post or whatever, not related to any fandoms i am in and not in line with the stuff i post on the blog, so i like it to look at it later. sometimes i end up reblogging that stuff, and tagging it with “random”, especially if i don’t have a lot to post otherwise that day

2) it is some sort of resource i want to look at later, or a post i want to send to a friend without reblogging it. again, when it comes to resources, sometimes i end up reblogging it anyway with the “save” tag

3) by far the most common - i am scrolling on mobile and i like something with the intention to reblog it later. the reason is that on mobile it is hard to reblog and there is always some sort of fucking bug, like when reblogging something takes you to the top of your dash. much easier to reblog on desktop, especially because it is much easier to tag there. i try to regularly go through my likes and reblog that stuff, especially art, fanfic, and edits/gifs, but sometimes i go too long without doing it and the likes get over-crowded and i forget something

so if i ever like some of your original stuff, like art / fanfic / etc and not reblog it, most likely reason is that my likes got overwhelming and executive functioning of my brain gave up so i did not get to it. sorry.

i have also seen people give reasons for not reblogging which are more complicated, like being afraid that the content will get them angry anons, or that it will be triggering for followers, or being very cautious of what they reblog from people they don’t know in fear that they will be giving attention to people with horrible bigoted views (e.g. the crypto-TERFs). this i understand and honestly don’t know what individual users could do to fix, and i have no faith in tumblr staff doing anything about harassment of users or the cryptic behaviours of bigots

what i think is a big contributor that people can do something about is passive consumption of content. like, i know we are all drowning in a sea of posts, and liking something is easier than having a curated blog with a tagging system, but also, thing is, without sharing, content doesn’t circulate. a like is a nice gesture, sure, but it doesn’t spread the content, it buries the content. the best it can do is move you up the tag page, but who even goes into tags anymore?

it is very hard for an individual to fight against the algorithms or get over the dopamine crash of having highly stimulating content being blasted into our faces by every platform, but every little step you take helps to keep this website alive and motivate content creators to put their stuff out there

i think one way we could combat this is making a bookmarks blog. literally just creating a side-blog that you use exclusively for reblogging things. it can have no tag system, no theme, no particular curated category. you can disable anon messages or disable asks altogether. and you use it just how you would use the like button, just to reblog everything you saw and liked

you’d think no one would follow a blog like that but the thing is, back when i just joined tumblr, most people who reblogged my original content and made it circulate were bookmark blogs. they usually weren’t called that explicitly but that’s what they were - just people reblogging everything they liked, never or almost never making their own posts, and many did not have any tagging system. it was just chaos on their blog, they would reblog everything and anything they wanted. and it made the content circulate and get orders of magnitude more exposure

so basically i vote for bringing back bookmark blogs and being okay with just running a disorganized mess of a blog,

like a storage of everything that crossed your dash and made you smile or sparked your interest in any way. it is as low effort as possible while still being a massive help to content creators. obviously you don’t have to do anything, but if you want tumblr to stay alive and for more content to be posted here, that is the lowest effort solution i can think of

#ask #anonymous

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heiterbroward · 4 years

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(Trixie mattel voice) ok let's get into it...

Ok where do I even start? Why would Archie and Betty sing not 1, not 2, but 3 songs indicating they have some sort of intense repressed feelings for each other last ep just to go back on it a min later? Meanwhile what Cheryl said makes no sense but I'll get to Robert M in a sec. Why would Barchie kiss bc they're afraid of change or whatever Betty Boop tried to say. Like what's changing? You've been dating the same person for years and you prob plan on doing so through college. Bc they feel safe w each other? I think w Jughead and Veronica is where they go when they want to feel safe from change...isn't that exactly what they're doing? Ignoring these feelings that keep coming up so they can go back to what feels safe to them...Jughead and Veronica? And why are some people trying to act like Betty is more redeemable than Archie? Bc Cheryl happened to give her an explanation to rationalize and justify ignoring her feelings for Archie? Archie is prob confused by her sudden change of heart bc they seemed to be on the same page before she talked to Cheryl. But as usual, Betty is just trying to do what will hurt the least people in spite of her own feelings. The effects of being raised by Alice! I mean, they did the same thing though so you can't say Veronica deserves better than Archie without also saying that Jughead deserves better than Betty just bc u ship bughead. Plus what's their solution now? To avoid each other? And Betty will use another mystery to distract herself even though they make her miserable and remind her of her "darkness" but it's ok bc she's back to being an investigative duo w jughead! Can't their relationship function without having a case to solve or what? And isn't Nughead gonna ask why she was against the case but is now interested all of a sudden? I guess not bc he's too busy telling Betty all about his day solving the case while having no idea or interest about what she's been doing!

On to Cheryl. Everyone is saying she's logical this ep but I can't say I agree. First of all, when did Betty ask her opinion on her feelings or what she should do? Also, how does she even know the extent of Betty's feelings anyway? Funny of her to try and mansplain the difference between a fantasy relationship and a real one when her relationship w Toni is basically a fantasy contingent on Toni's complete passivity and compliance. Cheryl doesn't know what it takes to make a real relationship work bc if Toni brings up any grievance w her, she'll get defensive and play the victim, maybe even threaten to kick Toni out of her house or bully her out of school! Couple goals! Plus isn't she Veronica's friend? You know, the only person who was there for her in season 1? Yet she knows Betty is possibly cheating w Veronica's boyfriend and doesn't plan to tell her or at the very least show any concern for how all this will affect Veronica. Instead, it's like a joke or something scandalous and juicy to mess around with. And I get they're cousins but let's be real...they're not really friends...meaning that Betty only really goes to her when she needs something and she kind of kept a copy of Clifford shooting Jason, despite Cheryl asking her not to, which is now apparently circulating in a snuff film ring so idk...if I were Cheryl, I wouldn't be super concerned w Betty or her love life. But she basically made it a point to value Betty's feelings over Veronica's bc by keeping the secret, she is implying that while Betty is allowed to sort out her feelings and decide if she wants to be w Jughead or Archie, Veronica isn't allowed that same choice or freedom to decide if she wants to be with Archie despite him having feelings for Betty. Plus she quit the rum business bc it wasn't "fun" anymore after someone almost hurt Penelope...the fuck? Since when does Cheryl not think Penelope is a monster anymore? This show is just obsessed w kids having endless forgiveness for their toxic parents.

That brings me to Hiram. Sadly, he was right that a Lodge would never be accepted in Riverdale or whatever he said before since Archie, Kevin, and now Cheryl have all shown they will be loyal to Betty in spite of how it will affect Veronica, and it's not like it has to be a competition but practically no one has considered Veronica's feelings throughout this whole ordeal. Who are her friends in this town? Kevin stopped talking to her after season 1 bc the writers decided he was only allowed to be friends w Betty, Cheryl isn't really there for her and lies to her to protect Betty without the least bit of conflicting feelings about it, Reggie started ignoring her after she rejected him, Archie (who has been previously loyal and supportive) seems exhausted by their relationship and even somewhat resentful, and even Betty (who Veronica referred to as her "bestie" just a few eps ago to Katy Keene) doesn't talk to her except to ask for money. So is it really a surprise she keeps crawling back to Hiram? He's the only person who even shows interest in her day at this point! And she's obviously desperate to get his approval. It's just sad bc she came to Riverdale to start over and prove that she can be a better person and break from her family's toxic cycle. But even after consistently being there for people like Betty, Archie, and Cheryl, they still don't seem to have the same love or loyalty for her as they have for each other bc they all grew up together. They barely even have any pics of her in their rooms compared to each other. I guess it's good that she never fully broke away from her family bc then she'd be even more dependent on Archie and where would she be after he cheats on her with Betty and everyone values Betty's feelings over it more than hers? Guess she'd be alone! Also, why couldn't Hiram just actually change at this point? Like I know it's not realistic but imagine how tired we are...imagine how tired we are of it. But jk instead it's just another person lying to Veronica! Now literally everyone is!

The worst part though was legit the actual plot. Like is something wrong w this writer bc why the fuck did they make Ethel purchase a sex tape of Bughead that she kept in her house? That's literally child porn. And snuff films? And tickle porn? And they try to excuse it by saying it's not sexual...ok so I guess every time dan schneider shows a foot on tv it's not sexual bc it's just a foot? Like obv the implication is that someone is getting turned on by the tickle vids and that it's like a fetish. The fuck kind of teen show is this? Back in my day, the worst thing people did was cheat and do drugs...and yet those types of plots get more hate than the principal hoarding a fucking snuff film! F them also for making Mr. Honey evil. Like he was my homegirl and the only one making sense...now all the beasts can feel justified in their actions instead of taking accountability for doing something stupid like tickle porn...and they can take revenge on him (why is this show obsessed w revenge?) bc Mr. Honey ruined their senior yr! Idk I think their rotten parents are more to blame for ruining their lives than Mr. Honey! Jk tho bc he is evil! Is Charles evil too? So sick of her. I got nothing else to say so shut up! Ugh remember how Toni had to hide that she was doing the tickle vids from Cheryl? Every couple in this just lies and goes behind each other's backs. Also anyone else think the one scene w Veronica patching up Hiram's wounds while he was sitting there shirtless was kinda weird and uncomfortable? I give up.

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araminakilla · 5 years

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Ducktales theory: Modern Arabian Night(mare)s

Warning: Long theory, has a little of angst too.

So, you already know I love the Treasure of the Lost Lamp characters, and with Found Lamp! things got better. Today's theory is about D'jinn (I'm not sorry) and a concept that was introduced in this new Ducktales' season 2. What is that concept? Stay tuned.

This Christmas I was watching an original Netflix movie with the name of "Knight before Christmas" The plot is simple: An european knight from the XIV century meets a witch in the forest. Said witch brings him to the present in 2019, days before our Christmas. He has to complete a quest before the Holidays or he can't return home, that is, his time period.

While there is more to tell, I wanted to point this because the knight spoke in a manner that made me think in D'jinn. That's when I realized: That's how medieval knights spoke! (yeah, I think you knew this by this point, I'm slow in some things, it happens)

Not only that, but said knight tried to solve conflicts with his sword and is very loyal with people he just met but have good intentions. Also, he was talking about his quest during the movie, just like D'jinn in the Found Lamp! episode.

There was a post about the movie where the person said that the knight was handsome, among other things, but also very stupid. Then I found this comment:

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, here comes the theory part. I thought in two possibilities of why D'jinn acts like a medieval knight.

1) He's a fan of stories with ancient arabian medieval knights and is imitating them (a dramatic theater boy)

2) He IS an ancient arabian medieval knight stuck in the present.

But how? Well, I think it has to be with this lamp: (pictures belong to @scroogeislife)

The lamp of Eternity. It has to do with time, so that could mean something. At first I thought of Merlock given that he's inmortal, and maybe that could be Gene the Genie's new lamp design, but who knows?

Also a fun fact: Faris means "knight" in Arabic so if D'jinn is really a knight that would make him "Al-Faris Faris D'jinn" which would translate to "The knight Faris D'jinn" or is The knight Knight Genie?? Anyway...

The point is, Faris was doing what arabian knights did with the company of other knights from his hometown. I theorize that he was in a war against some new invaders that wanted to conquer his homeland and destroy his family for the lamp. I would say they were either the Knight Templars or the Ottomans, let's go with the Ottomans since it was established he hates them in the series. The time period would be the early/mid XIV century (I don't really know much about arabian history in those times, so lets continue)

Be a lamp, a wizard or some strange magic, our Faris ended up in the XXI century, 700 years in the future.

To make things better (for us) he ends up in a modern arabian City with many modern malls, very advanced technology and beautiful skyscrapers (because yes, there are still people who believe those things don't exist in the Middle East)

He naturaly freaks up and demands to know what happens and for "demands" that means raising his sword, pointing it at everyone who is making eye contact with him and screaming: What kind of sorcery is this!?

The people around him also freak out, culminating in D'jinn being taken to the police, who proceeds to take pictures of him, hence those pictures in Lunaris' secret war room and why there are two of them when everyone has only one.

They began to make questions like: Who are you? Where did you come from? What are your intentions?

And D'jinn is like: I am Faris D'jinn! Loyal knight of (Insert name of a sultan here) who along with other magnificent people has the sacred duty of stop the Ottomans so they can not expand and become a powerful Empire!

And the police is like: Do you know the Ottoman Empire ended almost a century ago right?

Which is why Faris asks: They became an Empire!? How!? When!? What year is this!?

The Officers explain that the Ottomans ruled the Middle East for centuries and by the time of World War One they started to fall and now their descendants are the Turks. Oh, and also that this is the XXI century.

And then Faris D'jinn.exe has stopped working.

The officers were worried about this guy's mental health and told him they were going to call a doctor to see if he can help him and that he has to wait in a room.

But D'jinn had other things in mind. What happened seven centuries ago after he disappeared? What happened to his people, his companions in war, his family? Where are they now? He wants to know all those answers. He wants to know everything NOW.

So, like the good warrior he is, he escapes and begins to seach for the D'jinn family.

Unfortunately, they seem to have disappeared. There's no sign of his family or descendants with his last name. He begins to fear for the worst. He sometimes thinks the Ottomans wiped them out of existence, but other times he believes they are fine and it's only matter of seaching more, hence why Faris told Huey that the Ottomans failed miserably at trying to destroy his family (and suddenly another funny moment becomes an angsty one)

Gif belongs to @drummergirl231-2

We believed Della had it rough? Well yes that's very true but what about being the only survivor of your family? That must hurt a lot, specialy for someone very family-oriented and who consider bloodline and legacy to be very important.

He actually goes through the 5 stages of grief, the Anger and Depression stages being the most prominent ones.

He refuses to have any contact or friendship with other people, as he can't understand them and he feels they will never understand him.

It's only when he gets to the Acceptance stage that he begins to talk to others and is interested in modern technology, music, etc.

D'jinn even records everything new he learns in different scrolls just in case he has the posibility of return to his time period.

The people (mostly millenials) around him find his way of thinking and speaking funny and they call him a loony when he tries to convince them he is an actual knight from the past.

That's where we return to the "Knight before Christmas" post. D'jinn is not dumb, he's from another time period. He's adapting, with hilarous consequences.

After hundreds of failed intents to revelal his true identity, Faris gives up and adopts a "sure, I'm a dramatic man who loves knights, whatever" attitude, which makes him feel more lonely than what already was before.

Years pass and he knows how to use a cellphone properly, how to ride a motorcycle, among other things. But he still has the hope to return to his true home and see his family again.

In the future (our present), his quest for the lamp of the first Genie continues as it still is one of the (if not the only) relics his family has.

Then he meets the Duck family and the rest is history...

After the lamp adventure, he meets the Living Mummies and bonds with them as they were in a similar situation, being from "other times" and adapting to the present.

If he gets to meet Gene and have the lamp in his hands, he would try to make a wish to return to his original time period. But there are problems:

1) He is starting to like his new present and will miss all of his new allies (the Ducks and the Mummies)

2) He knows to much. OF COURSE he's going to tell everyone about what happens in the future which could end in him becoming the arab equivalent of Nostradamus at best, or everyone thinking he is crazy at worst.

3) He and his family have a code that if someone found a thing with a Genie in it and if the genie is good, they would free it with their first wish. This code is as strong as the Mandalorian's code of not removing his helmet (This is the way) so Faris will be torn about betraying the family code only to return to them or staying in the future and never see his family and friends again.

The only solution would be asking the Ducks to make a wish so he can return but knowing Scrooge, Della and Donald, they would consider that very dangerous because again, he knows to much, he could change dramatically the events of history.

Gif belongs to @nerdalmighty

And things could get worse if Merlock/F.O.W.L. get to know about the time traveler knight.

But that is another story.

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kitcat-italica · 5 years

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I'm still getting the hang of writing Aziraphale and Crowley, but while I've been experimenting with this new fic I'm working on, it's been interesting to track how their mindsets and interactions change throughout the series. Each episode has a distinctive flavor for each of them.

Episode 1 is the most relaxed. I finally finally read the book (finally!!!) and ep1 is def the most faithful to the book imo. They're old friends meeting up again after a while, hanging out in the park, getting drunk, talking about their work problems and figuring out a solution together. They have their low-key banter here which is always lovely.

Episode 2 is a bit more contentious between them. Crowley is stewing about his Antichrist mix-up and he's stressed about it, so he snaps at Aziraphale a bit more (culminating in the wall-slam). Aziraphale, meanwhile, is still perfectly convinced that there's a straightforward solution and everything will be okay again. This is where the bantering becomes bickering.

Episode 3, of course, has The Montage. Here's where we get all the history of clandestine meetings, 'accidentally' running into each other, with remarks and warnings peppered in about how dangerous their association is. It all culminates with the holy water, where we finally see the lengths to which they're willing to go to protect each other, even if they have to toe the line by risking their safety to do it. This episode is layered with this quiet desperation to just be with him, but knowing it can't go as far as they want because it could get them killed.

Then we skip to present day, and the desperation leaks out all over the place. Aziraphale is desperate to do what he thinks is the right thing, wanting to tell Heaven about the Antichrist to fix the problem, because telling Crowley would be working with Crowley, and working with Crowley would put them both in danger. Crowley, meanwhile, is desperate to work with Aziraphale to fix this, because he doesn't have illusions of going to his own employers about it; he knows they'll torture or kill him for his failure. It all ends with the breakup at the bandstand, and the longing and heartbreak is almost too much for me to stand. This episode's flavor is peak pining and desperation.

Episode 4 is where their relationship with their respective sides is broken. Aziraphale realizes he can't trust Heaven, and Crowley severs his ties with Hell by killing a fellow demon. They don't have much interaction in this one, but it's telling that after realizing Heaven won't stop the war, Aziraphale immediately calls Crowley to tell him that yes, he does know where the Antichrist is. Crowley, meanwhile, hangs up on him because he's facing Hastur right now, so he has to protect them both so Hastur won't know the truth. (Of course, Hastur is trapped with Aziraphale's voicemail so he figures it out anyway.) But once he's free of Hastur, Crowley races out the door to go to Aziraphale, not even caring that Aziraphale lied to him earlier about not knowing where the Antichrist was. In this episode, their devotion starts spreading its wings for the first time.

Episode 5 is where shit gets crazy. Crowley loses Aziraphale, then Aziraphale finds his way back to him and asks for his help, and they both use the most dramatic and ridiculous methods possible to get to Tadfield Airbase like the gay disaster husbands they are. At this point, Aziraphale greets Crowley warmly when he arrives, and Crowley responds in kind. They're on the same page now, and they're on a mission. In this episode, their interactions are a little more plot-driven, but it's also where tenderness and warmth comes back in.

Episode 6 is the granddaddy of all Ineffable Husbands feels. They help save the world together, they drink wine at a bus stop while idly chatting like old friends, they support each other emotionally after the trying day they've each had. The next day, they save each other's lives, laugh together, and give each other The Fondest Looks™ while celebrating the world they still get to live in together. This is peak Gentleness for the two of them, and my favorite way to write them.

I've noticed that as I write for them, I end up using certain phrases or words from dialogue in the show. Not directly copying lines from the script, just keeping in mind the way they speak without going overboard on their idiosyncracies. It helps me hear them speaking in my head, which is something I often struggle with for these two in most fics I read.

But as I ground some of my dialogue in that of the show, it helps to remember where they were at that point in the show, so I can gauge how much the tone in the fic is diverging from that moment in the show. If that makes sense? It's been interesting to track how the bantering, bickering, desperation, devotion, craziness, and gentleness all show up in different degrees throughout the story. Each side of them is all part of their characters, but Ep2 A&C is very different from Ep4 A/C, which is also different from Ep6 A/C when we last saw them. They each have very distinct voices and mannerisms, and it's been a joy to try to capture that in fic to the point where I can imagine them saying what I'm writing for them. They're both just so lovely and I love them to bits, dramatic dumbasses that they are 😊

#good omens #ineffable husbands #aziraphale #crowley #fic writing #my fandom thoughts #this ship has some Grade AAA banter #and i adore writing it

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daphuu · 5 years

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[1/2] Hi, it's ace anon again. I definitely feel romantic attraction but I think I'm a lesbian but it took me a long time to realize that and kind of come to terms with it a little. And I'm getting better about it but I still can't help feeling a little guilty about it sometimes and I'm anxious about it and I've never told anyone. To me that adds to the confusion because maybe that's why I'm so uncomfortable with the idea of having sex and why I don't really feel sexual attraction

[2/2] because - I know that sounds bad - but it feels kind of wrong? But it feels different with romantic feelings, and I'm sure about those so idk... It's complicated. I know that's a lot to unload on you and I'm sorry but do you have any advice on figuring things out? I know this is a lot but regardless of if you answer / what you say you've already really helped me with your previous answer so thank you!

Hi hiiii!! I spent last night thinking about this, ace anon! 💜 Here we go—

“I definitely feel romantic attraction but I think I'm a lesbian...”

So if I’m reading this correctly (and I might not be! Sorry!) then you’re saying you might be homoromantic (a woman romantically attracted exclusively to other women) but the idea of having sex with a woman is off-putting to you. That’s totally normal, ace anon. Our society has normalized straight sex in all forms of media so much that at first the idea of non-straight sex is mind-boggling. How would that work? What would we even do? The idea of sex itself can be scary on its own. What if I’m no good? What if they don’t like it? What if I don’t know what to do? What if I upset them by doing the wrong thing? But you know what, anon? Everyone starts somewhere. Cliche, yeah, but cliche for a fucking reason. (Or maybe not a “fucking” reason, but still—)

If those are the reasons you’re worried about having sex, try to communicate them with your partner (if/when you have one). I’m going to quickly share with you the three pillars of every relationship ever:

Honesty. You and your partner need to be honest with each other. This honesty needs to start from the very beginning, not just when you start dating or fucking or whatnot. Be honest about your feelings. Be honest about your desires. Telling your partner “Hey, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with xyz yet, but I’m willing to work on it/compromise with you if it’s something that’s important to you” can only help you both in the long run. You know how relationships end? Lies. Unvoiced and unknown expectations that aren’t met. Which brings us to the second pillar—

Communication. Fuck, communication is so so important. How can you know what’s going through your partner’s head if they don’t tell you? How can they know what you’re thinking if you don’t outright tell them? Over time this’ll be needed a little less—as you and your partner get a better grasp of each other, there’ll be some sort of uhhh sixth sense, if you will, that’ll form from regular communication and honesty. You’ll be able to start anticipating each other’s thoughts/needs after a few years. It’s pretty wicked. If you aren’t sure what I mean—do you have grandparents? Still married? Think of their relationship. Comfortable with each other. Still happy together. Anticipate each other’s needs, yeah? Now think about relationships of your friends or whoever around you. Not quite there yet, yeah? Still honeymoooning. That’s fine. All relationships take time! Just communicate with each other at every turn. You aren’t comfortable? Tell them. Explain why. Try to come up with a way to become more comfortable or a solution to end the thing that is making you uncomfortable. You aren’t sure what to say? Say that. “I’m not sure how to communicate my feelings right now. I’m not angry, but I’m not happy. Maybe I’m upset? Can we talk about this please?” Totally valid thing to say. Communicate honestly with each other.

Trust. Trust is so, so important! I’m gonna—you have to trust that your partner is communicating honestly with you. You absolutely have to. If they’re lying to you then that’s on them. Call them out if you truly suspect they’re lying. Before that, though—why do you think they’re lying? Why are they lying? Are they just scared of what you’ll think? Hmmm.

I once told my high school students about these pillars. One girl turned to her boyfriend, broke up with him, and moved to the other side of the classroom like five minutes after I gave this speech. #Damn. Oof. F to that guy but I was happy she took my words to heart.

Get out of relationships that aren’t good for you. Be self-aware enough to realize they aren’t healthy. Be self-aware enough to know you always have a way out. There is always a way out of a relationship. Always.

Okay, anyway, there’s my “sex doesn’t have to be scary, be honest, communicate (what hurts? What don’t you like?), and trust your partner. They don’t want to hurt you (unless you’re into that, but I don’t recommend pain play for the first time you have sex. Please, if you end up ever having sex, stick to vanilla sex for the first handful of times you try it!!)

“I still can't help feeling a little guilty about it sometimes and I'm anxious about it and I've never told anyone.”

Why do you feel guilty for being a lesbian? Lesbians are awesome. Well, some are. Some aren’t. You know why? Because lesbians are just people. Everyone in any gender or sexuality or romanticality—we’re all just people. And there are people are great and people who are not-so-great in every aspect of life. There are quiet lesbians, loud lesbians, short lesbians, tall lesbians, annoying lesbians, friendly lesbians, cis lesbians, trans lesbians, etc etc. You don’t have to feel guilty for possibly being a lesbian, anon! I’m sure their community would welcome you with open arms.

You’re anxious about being a lesbian? Why so? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being homoromantic or homosexual or any other -romantic/-sexual, either. What’s wrong with being human? Has someone told you that lesbians are awful? They aren’t, I swear. They’re just people like you or me or anyone else. Well, less like me, bc I’m not a lesbian, but—slsjdbdksls you know what I mean!!!

Serious talk ahead: Anon, if you live in a situation where coming out might be harmful to you, don’t come out. Don’t tell people who would use it against you or harm you for it. Just don’t. I’m sorry to make that sound so harsh, but I will never encourage putting yourself in a bad or worse situation. Maybe you’re restricted to only telling online friends that you’re queer. That’s fine. Woot woot let’s be queer together! Hi! You’ve already told me, after all. I don’t know who you are, but I know you’re quite possibly homoromantic and maybe asexual (or demi, or grey-a) and I certainly am not judging you for it. You could be a walrus and I’d still be supportive of you, anon. (As long as you let me pet you if we ever met, bc I’ve always wanted to pet a walrus. Sofft??)

If you aren’t in a situation where coming out might be harmful, what’s holding you back? Is it just you? Are you afraid of what your family/friends will think? Let me share a thing with you—and this is only if you aren’t in a potentially harmful situation—love is love. You have to consider your friends’ and family’s priorities. Will they prioritize loving you over or under their prejudice against queer people? Why? Hopefully your friends would accept you no matter what sexuality or romanticality you put forth, but I know that some friends are young and silly and selfish and straight-up assholes. Dude. Seriously, if they value you as a person and not just because they think you’re “straight,” then they’ll still value you as a person when you tell them you’re a lesbian.

To reiterate: There’s nothing wrong with being queer. There’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian. There’s nothing wrong with being straight. There’s nothing wrong with any of the -romantics or -sexuals. You’re normal. You’re human. You’re still figuring it out. Telling people you’re a lesbian and then telling them you’re bi like two years after that bc you’ve come to some sort of realization is 100% acceptable. Not being sure about yourself but wanting to share it with others is 100% acceptable. Everyone craves acceptance from their loved and cherished ones.

“...maybe that's why I'm so uncomfortable with the idea of having sex and why I don't really feel sexual attraction...”

Lemme—being a lesbian isn’t likely what’s making you uncomfortable with the idea of sex. Maybe it might make you nervous about it because you don’t know what to expect, but it shouldn’t be making you uncomfortable to the point you don’t feel sexual attraction. Honestly, anon, just go live life. When you have a romantic partner, you can figure it out with them! Tell them straight up from the get-go that you aren’t sure how you feel about sex and that they’ll have to be patient to work through this with you. They won’t judge you or put you down for it—and if they do then you know they aren’t right for you. Never let someone pressure you into having sex.

I’m an uncommon (not rare) asexual who enjoys sex. I didn’t think I would at first, tbh. Actually, until I figured out what I liked, I hated sex for like the first year I was doing it. Sex can be nice. It can be causal and silly. You can laugh during sex. It can be really hilarious sometimes. I love sex where everyone’s laughing bc of silliness. You don’t need to fear sex, anon, but I’m going to throw this at you: if you aren’t comfortable with the idea of having sex, don’t force yourself to have sex. If you choose to have sex with a future partner or something, that’s fine and dandy, but honestly? It’s not a race. If the people around you are expecting you to go start having sex whether you’re comfortable with it or not, then you’re surrounding yourself with the wrong people. Your friends should be supportive. What I said about those three pillars of a relationship—they apply to every relationship. Friendship, partnership, family bonds, romance, sex, everything.

You don’t need to feel sexual attraction to the people you’re romantically attracted to in order to be whole or valid or normal or whatever people want you to be. You really, really don’t. Just be yourself. Another good cliche for another good reason. Being yourself is so freeing. React to people how you wanna react, not how you think they want you to react. Sex and romance aren’t the same thing and they certainly don’t have to be. You can have sex without romance. That’s valid. You can have romance without sex. That’s valid. You can have both. That’s valid. You can have neither. That’s valid. There’s literally no wrong choice here. Don’t get yourself down about who you are, anon. You’re perfect the way you are, I promise. If there’s a part of you that you don’t like, either come to love it or change that part just enough that you can love it. But don’t change yourself because of what you think people think you should be like. You won’t recognize yourself in the end. Just be you, yeah? <3

“...because - I know that sounds bad - but it feels kind of wrong?”

Being a lesbian feels wrong? Or the thought of sex with another woman feels kinda wrong? Let’s unpack that a bit.

Why might being a lesbian feel wrong to you? Several options here:

You were raised to believe that anything other than heteronormativity is wrong. You feel ashamed of your lesbianity because of that.

Media. “But we’re on tumblr! The queer community is so welcome here!” Yeah, but it’s not so welcome pretty much anywhere else. Media—music, movies, shows, news—has been depicting straight as the good positive norm and anything not-straight as bad negative unnatural freakishness for years. Sorry, I meant “decades.” Think about that for a hot minute. Only recently—the last decade or so—people have started putting forward the concept of “queer is okay??” in media, and even then it’s with a bunch of awkward question marks. Yeah, we’re getting about this, but being comfortable with who you are is difficult when everywhere you look in the world you see people hateful of certain parts of you.

You aren’t a lesbian. Yeah, I said it. I know. “Wait what I thought you were supportive oh no!?” Hahaha look!! Listen! Maybe you aren’t a lesbian. Who knows? Maybe you’re biromantic, or maybe you’re panromantic, or maybe you’re something else you haven’t discovered the right label for yet. I suggest doing some research. If you can’t look it up on the ol’ home computer, libraries exist for a reason. They have computers. Go duckduckgo some shit about sexualities and romanticalities. I’m 100% sure you’ll find way more helpful stuff out there than whatever I could tell you about lesbians. I’m not a lesbian. I don’t really know what being is lesbian is like. I’m sorry I can’t help you out here.

So you have some options to think through. If it’s one of the first two—I’m so sorry. Please know that the world is as vast and differing as its people. Everyone has different opinions and share different thoughts about everything. Complicated, yeah, but ?? Idk. Just know that you will encounter people who are supportive and adoring of you at some point in your life. Get out of whatever bad situation you might be in if you can. Please. Be safe. Be strong. Be sure. <3

Or, if you meant that the thought of sex with another woman feels wrong—

Why? I know I’ve been asking you that question a lot. I was a high school English teacher. Trying to make my students use their brains and question everything was quite literally my job. I like teaching people to think for themselves instead of accepting everything someone else says. On that note—please know that in some or most cases I might be completely wrong about everything I’m saying. Take my words with a grain of salt. How reliable of a source am I? I’m just some random chick on the interwebs. You don’t know me. I might be just sitting here lying my ass off. (I’m not.) Please please please pull your information from multiple reliable sources so you can be sure that the content you’re learning about such an important matter is factually true. Don’t teach yourself misinformation. Got it? Good? Gucci? Cool.

So, again, why? Why do you feel that way? Why? Is it the thought of sex at all that feels wrong? Is it because it’s with another woman? Is it because you don’t know how to do it? Is it because you’re scared of it? Is it because of some past incident or abuse? Why do you feel like sex with another woman is wrong? This might sound odd but honestly???? Look up lesbian couples. Lesbian porn, even. Shocking. I know you’re saying “!!!!” in your head right now. Relax. I’m not just saying “hey kid watch some pornnnnnn!!! Hehehhe!” I’m trying to say that if you’re (not a minor, first of all, please please) uncomfortable because you fear the unknown or because you think it’s weird, look up some basic amateur lesbian porn. I say “amateur” because that shit isn’t a huge fake production like the usual professional stuff. The professional stuff is really weird tbh. If you prefer watching that, fine, but just know that it isn’t very well reflective of what actual sex with a woman might be like. Once you’ve watched some of that (cheeks flaming, heart racing, forehead sweating, eyes wide) and come out on the other side (laughing, hopefully, because oh my god isn’t porn so awkward and funny to watch???) then consider why you feel the way you do about lesbian sex. Consider if your opinion has changed. What caused that change?

I’ve had sex with women before. Use lube. Use lube even if you aren’t having sex with a woman. All people having sex should always use lube. Idgaf if you’re “self-lubricating” and “totally wet enough already!” Use more lube anyway. Just throwing that out there. Sorry if it makes you uncomfortable! That’s a mistake I see a lot of people who are new to sex make. They won’t use enough lube and then they’ll wonder why they hurt or they’re bleeding a little or whatnot and it’s just—lube. Lube is your friend. Water-based lube is the best, I think. Get some of that flavored stuff that tastes good to both you and your partner(s). Have at it, anon. But don’t worry about that stuff unless you actually plan on having sex one day.

I’m sorry. This whole post is verging on The Talk I gave to my youngest sister bc her mom is useless with this stuff. My youngest sister is a lesbian. She was terrified at first. “What if I’m terrible,” she said. “What if I don’t like it?” She asked. She cried a lot that week when she figured out she was a lesbian. She came crying to me. I answered her questions about relationships and sex as well as I could. I’ve had sex with members of every gender I’m currently aware of. I have a lot of advice to give about everything. She knew that. She’s pretty happy and she’s just started her first lesbian relationship with some chick from her school. They’re pretty cute together, ngl. She’d kill me if she knew I was talking about her, though, so I’m going to just leave it at that. Yes, being not-straight can be terrifying and nerve-wracking at times. I’m so, so sorry you might feel this way. Please know that you’ll have support from more corners than you think you might. And if you ever need anything, I’m right here along with the rest of the queer folk who certainly won’t judge you for being whoever you are. 💜💜💜

#not ah #i answer stuff #ace anon #anon asks #anonymous #anon #hi ace anon!#have a wonderful day~!! <3333 #stay hydrated #<3 #fave #ace talk #lesbian talk #idk how else to tag this lol #long post #ace pride #asexual #lesbian #idk

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yes-i-also-miss-our-talks · 7 years

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I love this blog so much and put on notifications cause the social media posts give me life. But as much as I love learning about the mods and random plot tidbits, it's been getting a little too crowded on the blog for me. It's posting constantly and I can't keep track of everything, which is bad on my anxiety and I'm constantly worried I'm missing something important. I might have to take notifications off, but then I won't be able to see all lovely content anymore. (1/2?)

I’m not trying to criticize, or tell you how to run your own blog. I just don’t know how I can keep following this blog with everything going on. Is there anyway the mods could tone down on the answers? Or maybe leave more time between them (although I understand that’s hard with such a popular blog). Maybe do masterposts where you answer a bunch at once? Possibly under readmores? Or maybe even turn off anon (although I don’t like that solution either, obviously). I care it’s just so much. (2/2)

Look, I know you’re trying to make a polite suggestion, but none of us can take this as anything but rude. You, one person of nearly 2600, are asking us to completely restructure the way we communicate directly with all of you.

I’m not going to lie, our initial joint reaction to this was “fuck off, we do what we want” because it just isn’t our concern. We didn’t ask you to turn on notifs, and we certainly don’t run this blog with the people who have notifs on in mind. If you’re so concerned about missing a social media post, why not just quick check in every few days and follow the advice I put in the bio ages ago? We appreciate the dedication and support, but the fact remains that you’re in this position because of your own decision. Do you think I don’t know this blog is inundated with asks? Because I do. I beat myself up constantly over being too busy with schoolwork or too physically/emotionally drained from doing schoolwork to make social media posts. Sometimes I want to scream at Atlas and Bex, two of my dearest friends, to pull their fucking weight because I feel like I’m failing all of you.

And guess what? I have anxiety, too. I hate conflict. I hate upsetting people. If I learn that something I’m doing is upsetting someone, my initial reaction is to change what I’m doing or stop doing it altogether. It’s taken arguing in circles with Bex and (particularly) Atlas over and over again to start to get it into my head that I don’t owe anyone anything. And as horrific as it may sound to some of you, it was a big moment for me when I could look at these asks and immediately think “Nah, fuck off.”

Do I feel bad for putting you in a place of anxiety? Yes. Do I blame myself? Kind of, yeah. Is it my fault, though? No, not really. At the end of the day, I love this blog and the way it’s run. I appreciate your input, but it’s just not going to happen.

Oh, and this might be a good time to mention that we will be having another character Q&A tomorrow!!! Details to come. ~Dee

I’m a Hufflepuff and I usually try to be really considerate of people in their anxieties, but when I read that ask I thought “you can go fuck yourself; I don’t owe you shit; this is our blog and this is how we’re going to run it.”And also, if anyone wants to strike up a conversation or talk to me or send me photos of a pretty pony, come to my main blog (@thesandboxprincess ) and send me a message or an ask, and I will gladly chat with you! I love talking to people, so if you guys want to communicate with me you can always do that! But you, anon, can fuck off. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. -Bex

hey anon, i get it. really. i started following this blog after dee posted their first thing. and i was so excited. because ho my god this musical is something i love and someone is taking their time to actually expand on it?!? and so i would look in on the blog every few days and get super excited when dee posted. it helped me through a rough time. it made me happy on some pretty shit days. when dee started getting more followers and other people started getting excited i was so happy for them.

so what i don’t understand and what i’m not okay with is you trying to guilt us. it’s actually pretty manipulative of you to mention your anxiety and how our blog is making it worse. it was really fucking awful to read that. and maybe we can start tagging things better, so people can blacklist asks. but you didn’t ask that. you specifically told dee (because let’s be real here, dee is in charge), who has a known history of being the nicest fucking person with a guilt complex the size of the fucking sun, that they are causing you anxiety. and that is not ohfuckingkay. and we might lose followers for this, but i feel like this needed to be answered.

so no, we will not be changing the way we run our blog. and no, we will not stop answering asks that make us happy because other people love this as much as we do. i’m sorry that you are going to lose something that means a lot to you. but it’s not on us to maintain anyone’s happiness but our own. and that sounds selfish. but it would be exhausting to try and keep everysingleone of you happy at all times. and we just can’t do that. -Atlas

#asks #mod post #long post

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xladymalice · 7 years

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Guys, respect is a two way street. If an artist shares their art with you with the only rule being "please do not use/repost/etc" those are pretty simple requests. Ones that you really don't have to do anything extra to RESPECT. The artist doesn't have to share with you, doesn't have to produce for you. They do things because they enjoy it and they want to. Just like with musical artists. When you pirate their music, you hurt them, some of them have to stop creating because they can't keep 1/2

Last big talk about Art Theft and “Minor/Hater/Whatever thiefs stuff”

I’d say most of them are minor thought. They’ve never learned about copyright nor the idea of creative property.

Take a good look at the reasoning of my follower and friend. This explains everything I tried to explain in the previous posts but it seems that many still don’t understand it.

It’s not hard. It’s easy.

Here have an example:

Imagine I tell you to show me your money.

Since you’re a good guy, you show me your money because you want to share your happiness. (You are happy to have some money).But I take away the money, because you SHOWED it to me. Why? It’s not your anymore, right? I can take it. You showed it, so it’s mine.

The idea of money isn’t yours right? You didn’t create money, but you decided to make money. Also, you decided to show me that money you made (by work, got gifted etc). That money is because of that mine. It’s not yours.

Now I have money. We all know, people with money are fame. So I take money of others and become famous.

Do you see the reasoning that happened all the time? It’s absolute bullshit.

You take away other’s goods because you are pathetic. There is no good intention, if you hurt the artist with that. It’s so much worse because you disrepect this artist (clamin

I am explicitly talking about repost or other use of art/stories/whatever WITHOUT PERMISSION of the RIGHTFUL OWNER.

More stuff below.

So. I am thankful for everyone who supports me and understands me. It’s not like I am desperately trying to get attention, on contrary. I am just stating my point of view and refuse to accept the dump reasoning of some people here in tumblr.

I faced so many posts where artists suffer because of art thefts. People who repost and even SELL their art. (sometimes even stories of writers get reposts or rewritten and claimed as theirs. It’s awful).

Why would I stay quiet about this fact? People will never learn if they don’t face this. And a single person cannot do much, but if we fight together, we might change some things and make the world a better place. Little by little.

Honestly, I am amazed that my first “haters” are actually about my statement and view of Art Theft. I was positive, it would be about my personality or art: no, it’s about this hot topic that shouldn’t be even a problem.

I mean: I’ve never pointed out who exactly I was talking about, until the person srsly started a war with me. I tolerate a lot but there is a fucking line that one shouldn’t cross.

Don’t call yourself “a follower” who “loves me” but “cannot accept my opinion on art theft”. I didn’t say YOU are the thief. But if you feel like this post is directed at you, I would wonder about that if I was you.

So Mali seems aggressive and stressed. I will tell you why.

I’ve been in trouble for a while now. This considers RL. As you noticed, I’m having tons of job interviews because after studying Computer Science I found no good company to work for.

I am working part time, but this is no solution for the future. I decided that I will move back to my hometown near Hamburg. That’s why I am trying to find a good company there.

And I did. I have high hopes that the second interview will solve their decision and make them choose me.

This involves me moving and me having more work and less free time. This is not that bad, I can finally push away SOME of my sorrows and worries. Maybe I will draw even more with being less depressed and worried about life.

There are huge changes awaiting me and my future. (And I have troubles with my family too, but this is personal stuff I don’t talk about.)

Usually tumblr is my little home with my friends. I don’t see the most of my followers as strangers but friends. That’s why I want you to call me Mali. We’re on the same level, ok? I am no better than you and vice versa.

But it seems every time I leave the save ground and state my opinion people just don’t get the point or feel offended. Actually 2 came along and told me “I’m crying, I hope you’re happy!”

Sorry, but... why? Just because I tell you the truth? How old are you?

Back to the point: I’ve been stressed. My parttime job is sometimes a pain in the ass too. I want to have fun... reading negative stuff like I’ve been facing the last days were really draining my mood.

That’s why I didn’t put of the nice mask, but answered straight foward and aggressive.

Sure, I am not always in the right. But why would I hide my true thoughts about a topic like this one? Especially by the use of my own stuff.

Luckily, I am not alone with this. That’s why I want to thank all of you who understood me and know what I was trying to do, even by being “the bad” or “the jerk”.

Anon*takes everything and purrs* I tried tot ake breaks, especially with my sickness. I am finally getting better and recovering. Also... life’s not that bad at the moment. Just annoying peepz D: Aah, a blue flower

@skeletalegastertalevoidtaleThis is sympathy. You feel, what I feel. You understand it. They don’t. They are probably kids with their own issues and attention deseases meanly said. If they understood the work and the time we invest into projects like these, they wouldn’t just abuse it. This is the idea of creative property. Swapfell Dawn is my story. My interpretation of the original idea of the term “Swapfell”. Toby Fox created Undertale, but he enhanced the possibility of creating AUs. There were many people before me who did this. So I don’t get the point for this being even an argument against me?

Look at my “money” example. That’s the same reasoning.

AnonThank you for understanding. But thank you even more for stating that I am doing good things too. I wanted to find friends and motivate others. I know how hard it is to motivate yourself to draw... to keep going... not to give up.I want to show that it’s possible to reach unbelievable heights as long as you fight and don’t give up! So I’m really happy for you!

AnonThat’s life. Nothing new to be honest. Everyone loves me as long as I keep quite and do not say my opinion out loud. Once I did, I am the bad guy.You know what? I’m fine with that. I like being bad anyways.

Anon:Aw, thanks for worrying. I accept the hug this time!

@adorable-lil-shitWonderful sarcasm there. -10/10

AnonThat lady is unfortunately not the only one. I met some of these bitches (sorry) and the most are minor. What’s even worse. They shouldn’t be on my fucking blog. The thing is, these people destroy my view of others. I am so frustrated with the russian fandom, that I don’t allow anyone to do anything with my art except I know them. And even that is too much. I don’t want to see my art somewhere else. It’s mine.I took my time to read some of the comments below my images and srsly, people don’t get the point. Why? Because they don’t get answers by ME. The dudes who upload my stuff have no idea... they are just dumb farts.

@dragoonmaster1212Thank you. But I am not that well at handling things like that. I do vent and I can vent alot about it. Somehow the steam needs to get out. You see, I had a very shit time at school being the number one dude to get bullied. I know how it’s like to shut up and just take whatever bullies give you. But I learned to stand up and stand my ground. No fucking kids will tell me what to do and take away what’s mine. Even if it means acting radical and punishing all. There are no easy ways to solve a serious topic like art theft.

AnonIt’s totally fine to go on Anon. I don’t want you to get in trouble just because I am not hiding myself. Totally fine. Thank you for saying this. I truly cherish people who say they respect me.

I treat people like I want to be treated. If they hurt this rule by hurting me, I will hurt them.

That’s how I work. Involving Toby Fox is a desperate attempt and trying to make me feel bad for their mistakes. They don’t know how to argue, so they use the idea of “Toby Fox has the copyright”.Yes, but Toby Fox has not the copyright of the story and design of Swapfell Dawn. They don’t get this obviously.

@flamefiendsYeah, sounds good to me. So you will offer yourself to me?

AnonYeah, absolute kids in my view. I am positive, they are not adults. Thank you for supporting me.

AnonThanks :) I am happy that I am not only the bad guy. But I am, I guess.

@babypizzawonderlandI won’t give up. These freaks won’t bloody win over me. I won’t shut up. If it’s annoying people, feel free to leave. This topic is a serious one. I won’t back down.

@buttergriffin332Yeah, that’s life again. But I won’t surrender. Thanks for staying with me.

@aussieevyWell, I lost my patience somewhere along the way too. I think these people think I am bad because I am telling them off like their moms did?Besides, I am trying to exlain shit.... and they still don’t get it. So I think they are stupid or kids. I don’t know any other reason why they don’t get it’s bad. (Ok, there are egoistic attention whores too, but ye... still kids).Thanks for saying that thought. I appreciate that.

@al-surfaceThank you, cookie Q.Q It’s hard not to get worked up. After all they attack my as a person in the end too. It seems hard to face the truth about thievery and what they do is wrong. They don’t worry about consequences... so many great people leave because of this bullshit. I won’t do that.

AnonYeah, totally my rage inside my mind there.That’s what I was thinking when I tried to talk some sanity into them. Helpless cases. I had to block the ones I know and move on. They don’t accept the fact it’s mine: even worse! They say my comics wouldn’t be that popular without them. YEAH OF COURSE; BITCH.

AnonThanks. I am happy that I am not the only one who thinks this. Glad to have you on my side. You get the point... so it can’t be that hard to understand right?

@loutoblogYeah... *sighs* Humanity’s stupidity is endless. It seems like it’s a crime to demand fairness and respect. It’s fun. They would cry and rage even louder, if I took their personal pictures and posted them on CumWhoreDotCom.Thanks, sweetie... it’s a bit hard, but I’m a fighter.

@fairytail78foreverI think you could say it’s jealousy. I think also attention whores who are mad they don’t get any likes. So they take away other’s goods and become fame. Low. Super low. I despise people like that.

Anon“Fans”. Yeah. Sadly. I will be bad in their eyes forever. Because I “hurt” them for being rude and selfish shits. Exactly. So I won’t just allow them to see my shit like that. There will be a fucking way to punish and I will find it. Until then I will be in war with them. But okay... I think argueing with idiots is truly an endless circle.

AnonI won’t do that. They know who they are, if they ever come to read this. I am not the type to make my friends attack others. Instead, I want everyone to state their opinion so others MIGHT LEARN from it.Thank you for your kind words. I just hope this will end anytime soon, so we all can enjoy the stuff we love the most!

Respect Artists. Be fair. Don’t be a rude, selfish fuck.

@angrywolflandThanks.... that’s what I hoped for.

AnonThis is a very good example. Take your time reading it. It explains why it’s wrong too. It’s just sadly funny how stupid people are.

@emilys-fandom-trashbinThat’s what I am saying all the time. But they ignore this fact? That it’s my property? That they cannot use it? I mean, I could take their money too. It’s not their property. Money is not their idea.Thank you for the compliments and your sympathy. This helps.

@pizzataleauPlease call me Mali. I am on the same level as you.That’s a nice offer, but I think it won’t help? These two are kids probably. They use Google Translator, misunderstand things because of the language barrier and blame me for being a “mean person”. Both of them are liars and selfish fucks. I hope karma will settle this for me. Thank you very much. Especially for worrying for me >///chuchuchuuuu*

@dearestdanger I know that the most understand... they are writers and artists themselves. It’s just weird how they try to justify their actions. If I would take away their stuff, they would cry the loudest.But they also cry, because I showed them, they did something bad. Geez, it’s so annoying.Thanks for the support! I won’t give up!

@silver-is-hereOhh, sweetheart. You’re sure doing the right things in the right time Q//QThanks... my day was okay. Work’s been hard and troubling, but I survived it. I will make myself some hot chocolate, get some cookies and play some league of legends. Or I will watch a movie... mmhmmm... I haven’t watched animes in ages... D:I love you too

AnonThank you... reading an ask like this makes me feel better a lot of times. I do worry about my other fans... how they will react to my personality and stuff. But... I don’t consider art thiefs as friends? Nor do I want them to be as my followers? I don’t need them? Since they harm me and my friends?Thank you :) That’s the way it should be. It’s my right, not theirs.

Some older asks considering the russian fandom:

I will as strong as possible. I don’t give up... I enjoy being here and sharing my stories and ideas. Some fucks won’t make me stop doing that. However, I will really stop publishing stuff, if they don’t back down. Last time they understood because of a friend. I hope this won’t be in vain.

Thanks @cinnamon4wolfy. I appreciate your worry and will take a good rest later

@pandorica101Yeah. That will be probably a hard topic for a while. People forgot how to respect... how to treat each other well. It’s sad. Thanks for being with me tho... I also hope it won’t repeat so much anymore.

To the rest of the Anons. Thank you for your support and worry. I was happy you wrote me because it helped me to stay determined.

My wrath is limitless.

And Thank you.... here is my request to all russian watchers:

If you see my or other people’s art reposted, please... just please... tell them not to do that. Especially on VK. I will stop uploading Swapfell Dawn, if anybody uploads and translates it there. Please spread a good message. Please tell them to visit the original websites for the pictures.... don’t spread hate, spread love and respect.

Last AnonYeah... thanks. I think it is annoying to reblog “do not repost” thing.... or just post so much vent and negativity....

I will not stop being myself, tho.

Deal with it.

#malivent #masterpost #art theft #signal #please show respect #be kind #famoussmuggler

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