#pov: this is my first healthy crush on someone

[orange-peony]

Thanks for tagging me @pato-roldnart and @monbons!

I think I'm almost done with the first chapter of one of my CORBB collabs (hopefully?). Here's a bit of Simon's POV:

I’ve always been drawn to him like a moth to the brightest and most blinding light. I don’t get him. I don’t get him at all. The way he carries himself, as if he were superior and above everyone else. The way he still listened to me every time I poured my heart out to him, without making fun of me. He’s rich and posh, but he always looks so sad. And the way he has to look at me sometimes…

The way he somehow knows when I’m at my lowest and always buys me a drink or something to eat.

He said his mother died when he was little. That it was a car accident. That the car caught fire, but his mother managed to push him out of it before it was too late.

I wonder if he has scars. If underneath those expensive clothes he’s not as put together as he looks. I think he would look perfect with a few scars. I found myself dying to know what he looks like naked on so many occasions while I was talking to him or making him coffee. Penny says I’m obsessed with him. Shep always smiles and says there’s nothing wrong with having a healthy crush or an unhealthy obsession for someone. I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know if it’s a crush or something else. If it’s something more. I don’t even know if I fancy blokes.

All I can think of is Baz, Baz, Baz.

I want to rip off every layer of him, like old wallpaper, until I’m left with the real Baz. The one nobody gets to see.

Tags under the cut:

@pato-roldnart , @bubble-gumhead , @cutestkilla , @thewholelemon , @artsyunderstudy , @leithillustration , @iamamythologicalcreature , @mooncello , @hushed-chorus , @larkral , @letraspal , @you-remind-me-of-the-babe , @facewithoutheart , @emeryhall , @imagineacademia , @alexalexinii , @fatalfangirl , @wellbelesbian , @shrekgogurt , @skeedelvee , @blackberrysummerblog , @rimeswithpurple and anyone who fancies sharing a WIP of any kind.

[professionalpinterestwhore]

when you finally like someone who likes you back and treats you with respect>>>

[raguiras]

POV: Deuce's very first kiss from his crush

(Click for better quality)

I'm finally officially introducing my Yuu/OC x canon/Yumeship here! (✿◕‿◕) Writing this post took me forever, but I'm super happy with it!

Reblogs are super appreciated hehehe

(While Allen isn't me, I'm calling them a Yumeship because he's based on my younger self/me when I first started playing TWST & because the ship gives me a ridiculous amount of comfort!)

Allen x Deuce (aka Spade of Storms) is my ultimate comfort ship and they mean a ton to me.

These two are best friends who become lovers and closely mirror each other. Deuce is the delinquent with rather bad self-control who tries to be a model student, while Allen is a former honor student who's now a very lowkey delinquent with stellar self-control and a mature attitude.

Due to the fact that Allen and Deuce are so similar and yet the opposite of each other, they're able to excellently understand and support the other, and they help each other accept themselves.

Their ship blog: @spade-of-storms (facts, drabbles & more est. May 2024)

Now why exactly are these two perfect for each other? Well...

LONG TEXT AHEAD!

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Deuce:

Allen supports Deuce with all his heart. Instead of believing that someone "as stupid and temperamental" as Deuce could never become an honor student, Allen fully believes in him and encourages him. In comparison to when other people say it, these words actually have an incredibly strong impact on Deuce and are believable to him because he knows that Allen has similar experiences and speaks from them.

Allen doesn't think that Deuce is stupid in the slightest and views him as genuinely smart. To Allen, intelligence isn't determined by grades or academic abilities, but by morals, attitude, logic, and willingness — all of which Deuce has.

Allen doesn't try to change Deuce. Rather than turning Deuce into a full-on honor student and role model, which he isn't by nature, Allen prefers for Deuce to stay true to himself and work towards his goal while not suppressing any aspect of who he is — Allen knows exactly that forcefully becoming someone you naturally aren't would cause more issues than it would fix. In order to assist Deuce with staying true to himself while working towards his desired self, Allen does several things:

Allen lets Deuce be his 100% authentic self when they're together. Deuce tries extremely hard to always be polite and serious in order to maintain his reputation and not resort to old habits, but Allen, being very impulsive and easily angered himself, knows just too well that suppressing one's feelings and true nature isn't the way to go. When they're together, Deuce can openly rant about topics, use insults towards the people who angered him, and show his emotions without having to worry about how others perceive him or about how it might mess up his reputation — Allen would never judge Deuce nor share his secrets with others. This way, Deuce can be himself without restraints while also maintaining the way he wants others to perceive him.

Allen allows Deuce to be a delinquent in a safe, harmless way. If Deuce ever feels like doing something forbidden without breaking rules or staining his reputation, Allen (a very lowkey delinquent) has just the ideas for him. This provides a comfortable space for Deuce to live out his tendencies without falling back into bad habits.

Allen is able to introduce Deuce to a wide range of healthy coping mechanisms that work for him. Allen is a much angrier person than Deuce and is equally impulsive, but has stellar self-control due to the methods he uses, and passes them down to Deuce. As a result, Deuce doesn't feel the need to immediately lash out at others anymore and manages to become calmer and much more mature, taking steps into his desired direction.

Allen helps Deuce channel his "negative traits" into positive/helpful ones. With Allen's assistance, methods, reassuring words and unique view on things, Deuce learns how to use the qualities that he used to hate about himself to his advantage. Suddenly Deuce's anger is no longer a hindrance, but a source of energy and motivation.

Allen admires the things Deuce hates about himself. While Deuce wishes he wasn't as hot-headed, Allen views it as an amazing trait and sees the passion and longing for justice behind Deuce's fiery attitude. Additionally, Allen is able to help Deuce see the positive side of these traits, and aids him in channelling them into something good to use to his advantage (see above).

Allen is the only person to fully get through to Deuce. Due to them essentially having the same experiences, opinions, wishes and morals, Deuce felt comfortable trusting Allen with every last bit of his heart (in comparison to other friends) — not to mention that the way Allen was able to help Deuce so intensely and actually talked to him the way he needed it also played a role! Allen has his way with words and knew exactly how to talk to Deuce from the beginning.

Deuce can genuinely open up about his self-esteem to Allen. It's been heavily hinted at in the game several times that Deuce thinks incredibly lowly of himself, but this topic is usually cut short and he doesn't talk about it further with the canon Yuu. With Allen, however, Deuce can open up all he wants to. He knows that Allen has similar experiences and struggles with self-worth related issues himself, therefore not only not judging Deuce, but also fully understanding him.

Allen perfectly understands Deuce's past. Having been feared, avoided and known to be a delinquent/bad kid himself, Allen even understands the details extremely well. Neither of the two ever had a proper friend until they met each other on their first day at NRC.

Allen successfully helps Deuce with his studies despite hating school. Seeing how Deuce needs help, Allen (the "gifted kid") gladly volunteers, even though he's no longer interested in class and has sworn to drop the "honor student" facade himself. Due to Allen's easy explanations, methods, photographic memory and capability to catch on quickly, Deuce actually manages to improve his test results by 1-2 grades.

Allen's study methods are unique, which helps Deuce & is necessary for him. Being a slow learner (I also hc him to have some sort of intellectual disability), Deuce requires rather unique approaches to topics. As Allen is well-versed with both studying and psychology and also keeps Deuce's exact issues in mind, he's able to perfectly tailor methods and mnemonic bridges that actually work out for Deuce.

Allen makes sure that Deuce's desire to be a model student is & stays healthy. A fair part of Allen's trauma stems from being an honor student himself and having unrealistically high expectations regarding grades and attitude shoved down his throat by everyone at school (including himself), so he pays a lot of attention that the same doesn't happen to Deuce.

Allen respects Deuce a ton. Not only is Deuce determined, passionate, loyal, honest and eager, but he has the same core values as Allen, too. In Allen's opinion, finding someone with these traits is not only rare, but immediately makes them endearing to him.

Allen is patient with Deuce. He understands that Deuce occasionally has a difficult time processing and understanding things, and he isn't bothered by it in the slightest. This means even more when you consider that Allen is generally a very impatient person and is only able to be patient with those he truly loves and trusts.

Allen fills Deuce in when he doesn't understand something. Due to Allen being able to catch on extremely quickly, he can immediately explain things and situations to Deuce, helping him out and allowing him to get everything right from the beginning.

Allen indirectly protects Deuce. Known for being intimidating (in a good way), quick-witted, sly and a skilled schemer, most people — including those who enjoy picking on Deuce — shy away from Allen and avoid getting in trouble with his friends.

Allen stops Deuce from getting into fights. Whenever Deuce is about to get into a fight anyway, Allen gently but sternly reminds him of both his goal and the healthier coping mechanisms.

Allen understands that Deuce dislikes being picked on. Allen, being a sensitive person, hates it himself, and he actively tells off everyone who dares to make fun of Deuce or call him "Loosey Deucey". At times, Allen even gets snappy because of the inappropriate nicknames or insults directed at Deuce.

Allen inspires Deuce. Him being skilled at a variety of things and just logical in general gives Deuce the motivation to achieve the same. Deuce doesn't compare himself to Allen, either, and views him as an inspiration. If Allen can control himself and get positive things out of his negative traits, so can Deuce, right?! Not to mention that Allen is extremely tough and pulls through no matter what despite his mental and physical state...

Allen's maturity subconsciously wears off on Deuce. Even outside of the fact that Allen helps him grow and improve a lot through all the ways mentioned before, Deuce sometimes also subconsciously copies his boyfriend's mature attitude or asks himself what Allen would do in certain situations.

Allen is an advisor to Deuce. Deuce struggles with planning ahead, and Allen — a big-time overthinker who's extremely competent at scheming — is able to assist him. As a result, Deuce makes less bad decisions.

Allen loves blastcycles. Deuce can rant about them to Allen for hours, and the two often go on blastcycle dates together. Nothing is more fun than clinging onto your partner while driving at full speed!

Allen values Deuce's company like no other. Deuce regularly feels like a nobody, and Allen takes that feeling from him due to how much he connects with him and likes having him around.

BONUS: Allen is not only beautiful but also has an incredibly strong personality, drive, and determination and hasn't given up despite everything that happened to him. Deuce is a massive simp and his humongous crush on Allen has always been obvious due to how Deuce just can't shut up about him.

Allen:

Deuce loves and accepts Allen's body. As we have seen through his interactions with Azul and Epel, Deuce is very protective of people who don't fit the norm, and Allen is another such person — an intersex boy who was bullied for his unconventional body. Deuce has not only sworn to protect Allen from any possible discrimination, but also loves his body dearly and thinks he's super hot.

Deuce gives Allen a sense of stability. Allen's life was all about short-lived fake joys and prevailing negativity prior to coming to Twisted Wonderland, which made him feel disconnected from many things and people and gave him the feeling that everything is temporary anyway. However, Deuce's fierce loyalty and the strength of their relationship prove Allen wrong — yes, there can indeed be things in life that last forever.

Deuce's utter affection warms Allen's empty heart. Allen was never loved by anyone but his parents, who he thinks only love him because he's their son. Other than that, he never experienced love, affection, ... or even mere friendship. He was alone... until he met Deuce, who he somehow immediately connected with. It was as if their friendship was predestined by the universe... and with every day, Deuce's affection for Allen only grew.

Deuce genuinely admires Allen. Seeing how Allen always does his best, works hard, has ambitions and aims to improve impresses Deuce a ton. This is extremely healing for Allen, whose efforts were never properly recognized or rewarded before and who thinks that he needs to perfect at everything in order to be "someone".

Deuce makes Allen feel useful and resourceful. Allen often believes that he has no worth and could never make a change for the better no matter how much he tries, but seeing just how much he's able to help Deuce with a wide range of things proves Allen wrong — he's indeed capable of a lot of things. Not to mention that Deuce even passes some of Allen's tips down to Epel!

Deuce's honesty is refreshing to Allen. After being lied to and tricked by about anyone Allen ever knew before coming to Twisted Wonderland, Deuce's natural honesty and loyalty are an unfamiliar but utterly wonderful experience for Allen.

Deuce makes Allen feel understood. Allen often believes that others would view him as a monster if they were aware of his secret anger and opinions, but Deuce shares many of them. These two can openly talk about their values together and Allen feels extremely understood because of it — a feeling he barely ever experiences with other people.

Deuce helps Allen enjoy the moment. While he has some overthinking tendencies himself, Deuce is much more spontaneous than Allen and tends to act more on impulse. As a result, he can show his ways to Allen, allowing the overthinker to finally relax and think about his problems a little less.

Deuce doesn't hesitate to stand up for Allen. The fact that Allen was bullied for something he can't change in the past saddens and angers Deuce, and he has sworn to himself that he'll always protect his boyfriend. If there should ever be another situation where Allen gets bullied, Deuce won't hesitate to absolutely throw hands — this is not being a bad person and picking fights, it's standing up for an innocent person whose life was ruined by malice. Deuce wouldn't regret it in the slightest anymore, especially since Allen has helped him learn than anger isn't a bad thing.

Deuce helps Allen with becoming a proper mage. When Allen first gains magic during the final quarter of the school year, he has absolutely no control over it and is partially even avoided due to being a "walking health hazard". Deuce, however, sees this as the perfect time to pay Allen back for helping him study theory and decides to assist Allen with practical things. Through Deuce's determination and belief in him, Allen is able to improve much quicker than he would've without Deuce's help.

BONUS: Deuce is the warmth and honesty that Allen needs in his life. The boy's mere presence lights up Allen's day and Deuce's careful physical affection makes him feel like the most cherished person in the universe.

What else is there to them? (examples)

Both are extremely close with their families.

Due to being so similar and sharing many personality traits, loving each other so deeply allowed them to realize that they can easily love and accept themselves, too.

Deuce's previous incarnation had a crush on Allen's, who died way too early. In this life, the regrets of the past are being fixed.

Allen's the brain, Deuce is the brawn.

They're both extremely cuddly with each other.

LOTS OF COMPLIMENTS (from both sides).

Deuce often gifts Allen plushies.

Allen and Deuce are basically inseparable by now.

If you hang out with Deuce, you have to suffer through at least one tiny ramble about Allen.

...and much more that can be found on @spade-of-storms!

♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤

Thank you so much for reading! I hope you like the art & ship and are looking forward to more of them! (✿◕‿◕)

[lamentationsofalonelypotato]

You Call It Madness But I Call It Love

Chapter 23: Extreme Makeover Backyard Edition

Pairing: Soldier Boy x f!reader, Reader POV, Soldier Boy POV

Summary: When the reader left Payback 40 years ago after a falling out with her childhood best friend she never looked back, but when two men show up to her apartment and start asking her questions about the past, the reader begins to think those things can’t stay hidden and starts to question what’s real and what’s fantasy.  This is a re-telling of The Boys Season 3, where the reader is a supe who's known Soldier Boy since 1927. The chapters will fluctuate between past and present. This is chapter twenty three of my "You Call It Madness But I Call It Love" series. (I'm so bad at summaries please forgive me!)

Word Count: 9.1K

Warnings: I'm going to label this one 18+ because it handles some heavy subjects!  Angst, Cursing, Nudity, Mentions of Abuse (sort of- it's more the reader being used without knowledge of it and I'm not sure what to call that), Numbness, Depression, Mental Health, Brief mentions of graphic death, Brief mentions of graphic torture, Mention of gore, Mention of death, Mentions of character going through some HEAVY EMOTIONS and INTERNAL TRAUMA, Fluff, Sexual References, Family Problems. Soldier Boy might be, is, really, absolutely, completely a little OOC. Soldier Boy is really all you need as a warning.

Note: This is told from the Reader's perspective. Any references to the reader is made using you or your. There is minimal use of y/n. I tried my best to proofread, but nobody's perfect. Reader is described as "curvy" occasionally. If you don’t like, don’t read, but if you do like, you’re my favorite!

Internal Monologue is in first person and is in italics

Series Masterlist

Masterlist

************************************************************************

Reader POV

You fall on your hands and knees in the soft grass of Legend's front yard, falling from the sky like a comet as it's glow fades and burns for the last time before striking the earth. You don't remember how you left Stan's apartment, don't remember flying here, don't feel anything, not the humidity that comes with the rising sun, not the cold kiss of dew against your skin, all you feel is the cold creeping numbness that trickles through your veins.

The memories of what you did come in flashes, but they do nothing. They do not evoke remorse nor pain, they haunt you, but do not bring tears to your eyes.

You open and close your hands, letting the blades of grass crush beneath your fingertips, but you don’t completely comprehend where you are, or how the hell you got here. All you feel is weakness tugging at your every muscle, threatening to drag you under the rising tide. You felt electrified, but so tied at the same time, everything and nothing. What happened seemed centuries ago and also seconds ago.

There was no anger, no remorse, no pain, no horror, no shock, there was nothing, only the chill that clung to your skin on the warm summer morning. You could see Stan’s death in your mind, watch his body collapse in on itself under your power and yet it did nothing to you.

You're not sure of anything anymore. Who you are, who Rosemary is- everything you knew is gone and you're not sure what's left behind, not sure what will come crawling out of the shell you were now. You knew you should be afraid, but another voice in your ear whispered so should they.

Someone grabs you by the shoulders, hauls you up off the ground, raising your gaze from the wet grass.

Ben looks furious, mind you, he always seemed to be angry when it came to you. You wondered if that was because he loved you or if it was because the two of you were fated to kill each other one day.

Or maybe it's a healthy combination of both.

He's wearing his jeans again, his dark hair falling forward into his eyes that burn with the force of his rage, but as soon as he sees the dried blood coating your cheeks, hair, and body, you watch worry begin to spark behind his glowing green eyes.

You register that deep down his anger and worry comes from a place that he'd hidden from you for eighty years, his love for you, the love that he was no longer hiding. But the chill still rose in your chest like the first frost of winter.

"Fuck." Ben mutters, moving his hands along your body, boldly looking for injuries, but he doesn't find any. "What the fuck happened? Why did you leave?"

You don't answer him, instead you take in a shallow breath, filled with the smell of fresh cut grass and Ben's musk. You're trying to find your voice, but it's difficult for you.

"Y/n are you alright?" He asks it, firmly gripping you by the shoulders, trying to shake you back into reality. You can hear the way the anger in his voice has shifted to something else.

"It's not mine Ben." Your voice is no more than a whisper as you stare blankly at him.

"Whose is it?"

You can't answer him, the only thing in your mind is Stan's words to you, the secrets he kept for forty years coming to light, the terrible things that he and Vogelbaum did. You want to tell him, tell him about what you know, but you can't find the words, can't find the thoughts to follow them.

"Sweetheart?" Ben furrows his eyebrows together, tilting your face to look at him. His hand softly strokes against your cheeks not understanding why you’re acting like this. “Are you alright?” 

His voices sound like you’re underwater, a murmur, a buzz, just a shadow of the deep rumble you love so much, the voice you thought you'd never hear every again.

Ben says your name again, with such urgency that it snaps you out of it for only a moment. The smoke clears, but what’s left barely has the strength to cling to him as you collapse into his chest. Your body shakes uncontrollably, tears soaking through his thin t-shirt, unable to do anything else, but clutch him tighter against you.

"He's our son Ben. They stole my-" You can't find the words, can't find your voice, it sounds hollow. "Stan he and Vogel-." But your voice breaks again and you shudder against Ben's chest, the numbness coming back to drag you under.

Ben doesn't hesitate, he picks you up as if you weigh nothing, tucking your head under his chin as he goes and turns back towards the house. You barely register his picking you up, can’t seem to focus on anything, breath coming in shallow gasps, body still shaking. Ben tightens his arms around you as if trying to comfort you as he walks through the front doors.

“Is she alright?” Rosemary’s voice is close, but you don't raise your head from Ben's body.

“Fuck, there’s so much blood.“ Hughie adds and you can imagine him standing beside her, his eyes wide.

Guess that means he survived Mindstorm.

Your only hope was that Lou was already in bed, that she wasn't watching Ben carry you soaked in blood through Legend's house.

“It’s not hers.” Ben replies gruffly, still moving towards the staircase. He wasn't stopping and you were thankful for that, you didn’t want to talk to anyone and didn’t want to have it out with Rosemary. You were so tired, tired of fighting and of trying. You didn’t want to yell at her, didn’t want her to yell at you, all you wanted was to slip deeper into the darkness.

"Shit, she's just as fucking unhinged as Soldier Boy is." Butcher mutters under his breath wherever it is he's standing.

“Wait mom talk to me-“ Rosemary tries again.

“No.” You murmur into Ben’s neck. Stan’s revelation rings in your ears once more, betrayal momentarily clawing its way from the pit before the cold feeling comes back to drag you under.

Because it felt like she had betrayed you. All these years you thought that Vought left the two of you alone, but no, it was a lie. And if she'd done that, what else had she done to ensure your freedom?

“Please-“ She sounds broken, and it strikes something inside, because she's never sounded like that before. Rosemary was strong, stronger than you ever were.

But then the word makes the memory of Stan’s body snapping and twisting beneath your control come roaring back, his pleas for the mercy he didn’t deserve exhaled on his dying breath, as you turned him into nothing more than a lump of flesh.

You gasp, another shudder shaking through your body and you don’t answer and don't raise your head.

"Wait Ben-" She says his name, but Ben doesn't stop.

"She doesn't want to talk right now." Ben's tone is controlled, but you can hear the trickle of his rage just on the edge of his inflection. "And I'm not going to make her." He continues walking down the stairs and Rosemary does not follow.

Ben doesn’t put you down on the bed, instead he takes you to the adjoining bathroom. It’s bigger than your bedroom back at your apartment with a walk in shower big enough for five people to stand in, a giant vanity with two sinks, a jacuzzi, and a bathtub big enough for three. Legend never spared any expense when it came to that sort of thing.

Ben slowly places you on the vanity but when he pulls back you grab the front of his shirt. “No.” You breathe suddenly terrified. The terror of Ben leaving cuts through it all, followed by a wave of horror and fear.

If he leaves they’ll come for me again. They’ll come take me or Lou.

You were afraid to be alone, didn’t want him to go, not after everything that happened.

“Shhh.” Ben soothes you, brushing your hair back, “It’s alright sweetheart I’m just getting a washcloth.”

You relent, hand unfurling from his shirt, and he comes back with it, wetting it with warm water before he begins to drag it over your face as gently as possible. His eyebrows are furrowed with concentration, but you don’t move, you only stare at a point over his left shoulder not really comprehending what��s happening.

What happened to Stan comes back in flashes, black and white photographs followed by the bits of conversation that unmade you, the revelations that would haunt you for the rest of your life.

Ben sighs. “Well. I don’t think this is helping at all.” He throws the washcloth into the sink and gently cups your chin, turning your gaze on him.

You blink a few times to focus your eyes.

“Look sweetheart I know you don’t want me to leave, but you gotta get in the shower. I can’t get it all with this washcloth and the last thing I want is to put you in bed covered in blood.” He searches your gaze trying to make you understand what he was asking but you don’t respond.

He leans his forehead against yours. “Honey please you gotta say something. You’re scaring me.” Ben’s eyes meet yours, wide and for the first time in years you see genuine fear.

You let out a shallow breath, but don’t say anything. You can’t find your voice. Instead you gently touch his chest just over his heart. It’s a small gesture, but it’s enough for Ben.

Ben closes his eyes for a minute as if trying to make sense of it all. “Okay.” He breathes, opening his eyes again to look at you, care and concern charging the air between the two of you. “Can I take off your clothes?”

You nod once, eyes still focused on the white tiled wall behind him.

“Okay.” Ben gently pushes the leather jacket back from your body. It falls back on the counter in a bloody heap, staining the white countertops with flecks of dried reddish-black blood. “I need you to stand up for me sweetheart.” Ben says, holding you firmly by the waist and pulling you off the counter.

You stand there for a moment, unsteady on your feet, staring blankly ahead of you.

“Arms up.” Ben whispers.

You raise them above you head and Ben removes your shirt and bra before moving to your pants. “Hold on to me.” He places your arms around his shoulders as you step out of your shoes, pants, and panties.

If you’d been in your right mind maybe you would have worried about this moment, worried about Ben seeing you naked again after all these years. He’d only ever seen you the one time, but somewhere deep down registered that this was different. It wasn’t sexual. There weren't any expectations and there was nothing to be embarrassed about. This was Ben keeping his promise and taking care of you the way that he always had.

He steps over to the bathtub, running his hand under the stream of water to check the temperature.

"Come on.” Ben gently leads you over, your small hand in his and helps you step over the side of the tub and into the warm water.

Steam rises around your body, but the water feels lukewarm. Your gaze levels at the water that streams from the spout on the edge of the tub, not looking up at Ben as he switches the water to the handheld shower head.

"Tilt your head back for me honey." Ben murmurs, touching your chin with your free hand to tilt it back. "Eyes closed."

You do as he says and feel the water trickle through your hair and down your back, followed by the gentle scrub of Ben beginning to work shampoo through the strands. He works quietly, catching the suds that threaten to fall into your eyes. Your hands are folded in your lap, eyes still closed, feeling the steady way he cleans your hair and then your face.

As you sit there the memory of everything that happened with Stan begins to trickle in, causing an uncontrollable shudder to shake through your body. Ben's ministrations were doing little to make the cold feeling dissipate, if anything you could feel it sinking into your bones.

"It's alright sweetheart, I'm almost done." Ben says, and you feel his thumb stroke against your cheek for a moment before he continues to wash your hair.

"Sit here for a second. I'm going to go get you some clean clothes."

You open your eyes and watch him go. The water in the tub is red now, the last remnants of Stan's blood scrubbed clean from your body.

The fire would destroy any evidence that you'd been there and washing the clothes that you killed him in should take care of any other problems.

When you're dried off and in your own clothes, you stand in the bathroom and catch a glance of yourself in the mirror. You look hollow, broken, eyes miles away, skin a little paler than normal. You don't look like yourself, but you also don't feel like yourself.

"Come on, let's get you to bed." Ben says and you feel him pick you up again, carrying you to the bed as if you weigh nothing.

You mechanically go through the motions of getting under the covers, pulling them up almost over your head as you curl in on yourself, making yourself as small as possible. You shut your eyes to try and make the images of what happened go away, but you can't fight the ebbing darkness that comes to welcome you home. It's familiar. The same one that you fell into when Ben broke your heart and you thought he died. The pit was opening beneath your feet once again, and you wondered if you'd be able to pull yourself out this time.

Ben changes into a pair of faded sweatpants, before he crawls into the bed behind you under the covers, putting his arm up over your waist to pull you into him. You turn in his arms so that you're chest to chest and can bury your face into his shirt, inhaling the familiar scent, trying to rid yourself of the images and of the things you learned a few hours ago.

"It's alright Sweetheart, I'm right here." You can feel the rumble of Ben's voice in the palms of your hands where they curl against his soft shirt. The weight of his arm over your waist is familiar as is the heat of his body, the warmth you expected to wipe away the cold feeling that crept along your spine drowning everything else out of your head.

It's quiet for a few moments. Ben's hand is gently trailing up and down your spine, but sleep is miles away for you.

"I'm trying real hard not to be mad at you Sweetheart, especially when you're like this but-" Ben sighs, rubbing his hand up and down your back. "You lied to me. What were you thinking going off alone and-" His tone has shifted into more of a growl, the one he gets when he's about to yell at you.

If he had yelled at you, you wouldn't have reacted, you were just so tired of everything, couldn't focus on anything.

Ben's body tenses. It was as If he was physically trying to hold himself back from being upset, but you couldn't answer him. It had seemed like a good idea when you went, seemed right, but now you weren't sure.

What you had learned changed you, and you weren't sure if you'd ever be able to go back to the way you were.

He's quiet for a minute, before finally he presses a kiss to your forehead, and you bury yourself further into his chest. "I love you." He murmurs. "I promise I'm not going to go anywhere."

But you barely hear him, the only thing you hear is the low buzz of fluorescent lights and Vogelbaum's voice telling his staff to keep you quiet.

******************************************************************

Soldier Boy POV

He didn’t know what to do. In all the years he’d known you, Ben had never seen you like this. He’d seen you upset, angry, sad, but never this.

It had been three days since you came back covered in blood, three days of you laying in bed refusing to speak, curled up into his chest.

Ben had tried to get you to eat something, but when you wouldn’t do it by yourself he had to spoon feed it to you, as if you couldn’t remember how to eat.

It scared him.

Ben hadn’t ever felt fear like this before in his entire life, but now, seeing you so distant and cold, he was terrified. He worried that you’d never come back.

Mindstorm had told him the truth about Homelander and as angry as Ben was about that, he couldn’t understand how Homelander was also your son. He’d never heard you say anything about them taking something from you for genetic testing, never spoken about willingly giving up your genetic material.

So then how the fuck did they get it?

There was something sinister that danced on the edge of his mind, something that seemed too horrible to consider, something that meant that Ben had failed to protect you, had failed to keep the promise he made eighty years ago.

But deep down Ben wondered if it was true, because as much as he knew you hated killing people, this seemed different than you usual reaction.

He held you closer to him, curving his body around your back as you slept soundlessly. You were holding on to his hand while you did, fingers entwined with his, holding it against your chest while you found some peace.

Ben was honestly waiting for another nightmare. Each time you’d fallen asleep over the past three days you’d woken up gasping for air, shaking uncontrollably, with tears rolling down your cheeks. Ben did what he could, brought you into his lap and held you tight, reassuring you that it was okay, that it was only a dream.

He was trying not to be angry, but he was. He was furious when he got back to Legend’s two days ago and discovered that you were gone, that you’d left to go off and do God knows what with Homelander flying around. Rosemary refused to tell him where you were only told him that you left but that you’d be back. Ben hated that you made him wait around like a fucking woman waiting for her husband to come home.

He had intended on yelling at you, at making sure you knew how pissed off he was that you did the one thing he told you not to do, but then he saw you land in Legend’s front yard looking like you had taken a shower in someone’s blood and he couldn’t. Not when he feared that the blood was yours and not when he saw how broken you were.

Ben had loved you for a long time, understood you, saw how strong you were, saw that you always spoke your mind no matter what, and to see you like this was… petrifying. He didn’t know what had happened, didn’t understand how something you learned could effect you this much.

He too was still reeling from the revelation that Homelander was his son, felt an even greater sense of betrayal because Vought should have let him give the team to his son, pass it off like a king giving up his throne. And after the night that he had spent with you all those years ago, Ben was ready to give it up, to walk away and give you the life that you always wanted away from the spotlight.

Ben figured that Stan had told you Homelander was your son, and maybe that’s what this was. Ben had been dreading the conversation with you when he got back to Legends, the conversation in which he was going to have to tell you that Homelander was your son too. He didn’t want to hurt you all over again with news like that.

I guess I don’t have to.

Ben thinks to himself listening to the soft beat of your heart, pushing his face further into your hair where it hangs over your shoulders. But he's not sure that this is better.

When he wakes the bed is empty.

“Sweetheart?” Ben says looking around the bedroom. He strains his hearing to see if you’re in the bathroom or upstairs but he doesn’t hear you. Fear grips his heart.

Fuck. Where did she go?

Thunder shakes the house, rattling the windows as Ben looks around the room, brief flashes of lightning illuminates the vintage furniture, but you aren't sitting on anything. The sliding glass doors on the back wall of the bedroom are open, allowing rain to sweep through onto the carpets, water flooding towards your now cold side of the bed.

Shit.

Ben all but jumps out of the bed and rushes to the sliding glass doors, looking beyond into the darkness of Legend’s backyard. Lightning skates across the night flashing bright white, and catching where you stand in the grass. You’re looking up at the sky, soaked to the bone, but seemingly unnerved by the weather.

“Sweetheart?” Ben shouts over the sound of the thunder, but you don’t move. “Are you okay? Did you have another nightmare?”

“It’s not a nightmare.” You murmur into the storm, your eyes still focused on the sky, looking up at something that he can't see.

“What do you mean?” Ben gets closer to you, his feet sinking into the wet grass, rain saturating his clothes every second he stands out there with you. Ben was trying to understand, was trying his best to do what you needed, but he was worried that he was failing, that maybe he needed to take you to a hospital. He wasn't sure how to explain that to anyone if he did take you to one.

If anything he thought that you'd want to talk things out with Rosemary, but you hadn't wanted anything to do with her at all. That was the most surprising, that you didn't want to speak to her, didn't want her around. She had tried to come down to the bedroom, but you hadn't looked at her, you'd only clung tighter to Ben and said no. He wanted to know why, what Stan had told you to make you not want anything to do with her.

He was happy that Lou hadn't come down with her, he didn't want Lou to see you like this, didn't want it to haunt her the same way it was haunting him. He had heard Lou ask about you when he was laying in the basement beside you, and she had found him in the kitchen getting you something to eat and had hugged him tight and asked where you were. There were tears in her eyes when she did so and Ben told her that you weren't feeling well, but that he was taking care of you. There was a hand-drawn card on your bedside table from her filled with a picture of Lou holding out a bouquet of lavender to you that she asked him to give you.

“It really happened.” You close your eyes, head tilted up at the sky.

Lightning crackles across it, striking close to where you're standing, but you don't move an inch.

Ben stops mid-step. Your words sink into his soul, burn against his ribcage, anger surging up to replace the chill of the rain that clings to his skin. Because it meant he failed. It meant that the promise Ben made to you all those years ago was worthless, that he'd failed to protect you.

He thinks about all the time he wasted with other women, chasing after them, ignoring you. He thinks about all the moments he should have spent with you instead.

Maybe I would have figured it out if I wasn't so damn selfish. If I hadn't fucking cared about those stupid movies, or commercials, or the shitty interviews. I failed because I didn't put her first and I allowed this to happen.

“Stan told me.” You continue. "I wasn’t supposed to remember, but my mind knew. It was trying to tell me all these years but I just ignored it. Fucking pushed it away because I thought my mind was messed up from living this long. But it really happened."

“When?”

“I don’t know. All I know is that he said they did it when you were on location shooting a film. That they were too afraid to take me when you were still there.”  You're still not quite looking at him.

Ben felt the words like a punch to the gut. Why did I ever shoot any of those stupid films? Why didn't I take her with me? Why didn't I make up some stupid reason why I needed her there with me? Why didn't I tell her sooner how much she meant to me?

Ben remembered the first time you had the nightmare in front of him, he had just gotten back from shooting a film overseas, one that he could barely remember only that he literally had sand in every crevice of his body after each day of shooting. He remembered how happy he was to see you when you answered the door of your small apartment, how you smiled at him, but you seemed more tired than usual. Ben had missed you more than he knew, he had tried to call while he was away, but you hadn't picked up. He remember thinking that was odd. You always picked up the phone or at least always called him back, but you hadn't.

“They knew I’d say no. Knew that I wouldn’t want to raise a child under Vought’s watchful eye and instead of respecting that, they-" You stop mid sentence, your body has begun to glow bright purple, not just your eyes, there's a thin film of purple radiating out from your body, tracing your outline with a heavy hand, glowing brighter than the lightning that flashes across the sky. "Stan wasn't even ashamed. He was proud of what they made. Proud of what they did to our son."

As soon as you utter the word 'son', the ground begins to shake under Ben's feet, grass shreds in the air all around him, and the storm grows worse by the second. There's a terrible cracking sound and the trees on the edge of Legend's property snap, loosing their limbs to flashes of purple energy that wash away into the darkness with the force of your power.

Ben could feel the same power trying to push him back from you, push him inside the house, but he fought it, continuing to take more steps towards you.

“After all these years he wasn’t afraid of me. He was afraid that you would show up and make him pay.” Ben can see your body shake. “Everyone was always just afraid of you. All those years I worked so hard to make sure you didn’t kill anyone and for what? So they could take advantage of me?”

Your body begins to rise off the ground, glowing brighter and brighter. Until Ben almost has to look away, his body still being forced backwards. In all his years of watching you use your powers, he's never seen you do anything remotely like this. This didn't seem like just telekinesis and Ben wondered who else had killed you over the years, if it had happened before and you just hadn't cared to tell him, or if it had happened in the years he'd been away.

"Sweetheart please." Ben tries to say again, but it's swallowed up in the howling of the wind.

"All those years I gave Vought everything. I let them dress me, tell me what to say, inject me with that shit. I was everything they wanted me to be, and they used me just like I was a fucking doll for them to play with!" Ben can hear your teeth clenching together in rage, your powers spiking again so that now there is shredded earth, grass, and trees, whirling around the two of you swirling together in a vortex that flashes with purple energy. "But no more. They're all going to pay."

"Y/n-"

You were still rising off the ground getting further and further from Ben's reach and he was scared. He'd never seen you like this before, never seen you lose control or seen you this angry. Sure he pissed you off and you'd occasionally throw a couch around the room, but this was almost insane.

Fuck I should stop pissing her off.

Ben could feel his own rage surging in his chest when he understood exactly what Vought took away from you, when he understood exactly what Vogelbaum had done. But at the same time he was ashamed that he hadn't been there for you, that he hadn't been able to protect you from them, and that he hadn't known the first time you had that fucking nightmare and woke up screaming when he was in bed beside you.

"Sweetheart!" Ben finally shouts, grabbing your hand. As soon as his skin touches yours he feels like he's stuck his finger in an electrical socket,  as if the energy from your body jumping into his is almost painful, but he doesn't let go. He couldn't lose you to this, whatever the hell this was, wouldn't allow himself to lose you again.

Your glowing purple eyes flick to his. "Are you going to tell me that I shouldn't do that?" Your voice is cold. "That my revenge isn't as important as yours?"

"No." Ben shakes his head. "It's important. It's justified. I hate that they did that to you, that I wasn't there to stop them. That I didn't understand until now."

"It's not your fault what happened to me." You shout back, eyes flashing bright purple. "This isn't about you. This isn't your fight!" The vortex swirls faster around the two of you now, blurring everything beyond. "This is about what I need to do!"

"Yes it is!" His hand tightens in yours. "It is my fight if it involves you. I love you and that's what it means. It means us working together-"

"I don't need you to protect me! I am strong enough to do this on my own. I am so sick of people underestimating me and what I can do."

"Y/n please, listen to me!" Ben pleads. He could feel you slipping away and it scared him more than anything he'd been through in his entire life. He wasn't afraid to admit that. The look on your face and the display of power was so different than the person he knew.

You watch him silently, body glowing brightly in the night, floating off the ground as you stare down at him.

"I don't want you to do this alone." Ben says. The storm was still raging, thunder shaking the ground, lightning surging all around him. "I'm asking you to let me help you. Please."

"What?"

"You say that I hide what I'm really feeling, but you do too. You still hide things away from me. You think that you have to be perfect, controlled, some version of yourself that has everything together all the time, but you don't." Ben gently tries to pull you down an inch from the sky. "You've done that since we were kids, always done what you think is expected of you. That's why you almost married that asshole, because you were afraid to just let it go. So I'm asking you to do that now, to let go of all of it, because I promise that I will be right here for through every step of it."

"But-"

"I know I made promises when you chose me, and I'm sorry I let you down, I'm sorry that I let this happen, that I wasn't able to protect you from them." Ben's voice breaks and for a moment he sees a flash of the two of you in your bedroom the night that he asked you to come with him, how young and innocent you were, how much you cared for him reflected in your eyes. "So I'm promising you this now. That I will protect you, that I won't let anything happen to you and that you never have to be alone ever again. Because I love you. So please, just let go and let me in.

The whirlwind slows around the two of you, still ripping up the ground and the grass in the backyard.

"I have to be in control." You say in almost whisper.

"Why?" Ben asks.

"Because if I'm not I don't know what will happen!" You snap. "Someone dies, or you leave again, or they come to take Rosie or Lou away and I can't-" You shake your head, the glow on your body fading for a moment. "I'm not strong enough-"

"Sweetheart, you don't have to be." Ben says, and this time he pulls you from the air so that your bare feet swish in the grass again. His hand falls under your chin to raise your face to his. "That's why I'm here. You don't have to do this alone anymore, you don't have to carry this all on your shoulders. I am here and I am not going anywhere."

"But-"

"Please. I'm asking you to give me your pain, your anger, your burdens, your sorrows. Give me all of you. It's not going to scare me away." Ben whispers, taking your face between his hands. "I know that in the past I haven't been as dependable, but nothing is going to scare me away. I love all of you, even the pieces of yourself you keep from me, that you think you have to, to keep me here with you."

Fuck I sound like a pussy, but it's true. She's all I have and all I've ever wanted. And why shouldn't I say this to her? It's what she says to me. It's what she tells me and I believe her. I believe her when she says that I can rely on her, that I don't have to be strong all the time, that I can break.

He searches your face, brushes his thumbs across your rain soaked cheeks. I just want her to know that she can too and trust that I'll be here for her.

The vortex stops, the pieces of earth, trees, and grass falling to earth, the purple fading from your eyes as they do. You're no longer glowing, no longer a beacon in the night, you're just you, the woman that Ben loves more than life itself, and the woman that he thought he would never have ever again.

"I love you too." You whisper leaning into him, wrapping your arms around the back of his neck to lean your forehead against his.

He can feel the curves of your body against him, your wet clothes sticking like a second skin, hair stuck to your head, but you're just as beautiful as you always have been. And Ben understands that this time, he's not going anywhere, that he's going to stay with you for the rest of his life, and nothing can keep him away.

**************************************************************

Reader POV

"Mindstorm told me." Ben says dragging his hand up your arm. You were laying on his chest in the bedroom, hair still wet, but now wearing dry clothes.

The residual thrum from your use of power was still charging through your cells, but lessened. Honestly you didn't remember going outside, didn’t remember standing in the storm, didn't know how long you were out there before Ben came out.

You were glad he did. You weren't in your right mind when you were out there, and if he hadn't come out you were sure that you were going to charge Vought yourself, tear it down and send it to hell where it belonged. You still wanted to, but you wanted Ben to do it with you. He was right, you didn't have to do it alone, and you didn't want to.

You nestled further into him, remembering what he shouted outside, remember how he held your face with the storm raging around him. He looked so afraid. You had only seen him look scared a handful of times in your life, but out there in the storm was different. It shocked you back into reality, brought you back from the pit, made you feel like you again for the first time in days.

And what he said hauled you further out of the darkness. You had said it to him countless times since he came back, that he didn't have to hide away what he was feeling from you, but for him to say it to you meant that he was listening. To you, Ben saying that made all of this more real, that he really wanted every part of you, that he loved you as much as he said.

The storm still raged outside, thunder occasionally shaking the windows, and lightning flashing behind the closed curtains, but you stayed curled up against Ben. Your head was tucked under his chin, arm wrapped over his bare chest. He hadn't put a shirt back on after the two of you changed, but you weren't complaining about that, there wasn't anything to complain about when it came to that. He was just so wonderfully warm, that you didn’t think you would get used to it. You also hoped that you didn't turn radioactive because of him, but you being here with him, laying on his warm chest made it worth it.

"Did he know about what Vogelbaum did?" You whisper.

Ben's muscles tense beneath your body when you ask that question. You knew that it hurt him, that it made him feel like he'd failed to protect you, but you didn't blame him for that. Even if he had been around, you knew that Vogelbaum would have figured out a way to do it, to get around him. And you didn't like it when Ben felt like he failed, it made you think about all the terrible things that his father used to yell at him when he was a kid. Ben had told you bits and pieces, over the years, and it was enough to make you want to travel back in time and kill his father yourself.

Honestly, you thought about killing him all the time when you weren't a supe as well.

"No. He didn't know that. All he knew was that Homelander was our son." When Ben says the word son he hesitates as if it's difficult for him.

It was also difficult for you, understanding that you had another kid and one that you didn't have anything to do with for forty years was hard. You suddenly understood how Ben felt about Rosemary.

"I should have known." You mutter into his chest.

"What do you mean?"

You sigh loudly. "At the premiere, Vogelbaum was pushing for me to come to the lab, said he was working on raising the "next generation of heroes" or whatever. And then Stan tried to come by and get me to do the same thing after you died, but I broke his nose."

"I remember." Ben mutters.

"What do you mean you remember?" You sit up to stare at him.

Ben raises an eyebrow. "I might have been there with Countess, but do you really think I wasn't listening to everything that was happening around you? He was dancing with you, I was making sure that everything was okay." Ben clears his throat awkwardly. "I mean I know that there was a lot happening that night, but I still wanted to make sure that you were okay."

"I wasn't."

"Yeah I-um- I know." His eyes flick away in shame.

"Ben?"

"Yeah?" He murmurs.

You gently turn his face back to look at you, fingertips under his chin. His green eyes are downcast, brows furrowed, lips pulled down into a frown. You knew how much he was still beating himself up for everything that happened in the past, and it was difficult for you to pretend that you didn't still feel the sting. But you knew he wasn't going to do it again, you believed that.

"It's okay. We're starting over. Just you and me." You brush your thumb over his bearded cheek. "No one else. This time what we're doing, it's different, it all feels different. Don't you think so? I mean I still love you just as much as I always have, but I-" You could feel yourself blush just a little, you weren't sure if Ben could feel that too.

"I know. It does." Ben whispers gazing at you. His fingers push back the strands of your hair that have fallen forward into your face. The way he's looking at you is the same way he did the morning you woke up on his chest after you slept together for the firs time. "I love you too Sweetheart." His lips find yours, gently pulling you up further on his chest so he can kiss you deeply, show you how much you mean to him, and you can’t help but smile into his mouth, feeling warm and happy for the first time in ages. His love dragging you out of the darkness that loomed over you and consumed your heart when Stan told you the truth about Homelander's heritage. 

You sit up, folding your legs beneath you, pulling Ben's right hand into your lap, gently tracing the lines with a finger tip, noting the rough callouses that he'd developed over the years. You weren't really sure what to say next.

Ben sits up so that he's leaning towards you. "Are you feeling better?"

"A little." You continue to trace the lines. His hands were so much bigger than yours, everything about Ben was big, but you liked his hands, mostly because how small yours were when you held his. "I think destroying Legend's backyard was just the right amount of therapy."

"That was a little much, but I'm glad you're feeling better. I was-" Ben swallows. "I was really worried about you."

"I know." You whisper. "It's never been that bad before. The last time I got close was-" You stop mid-sentence.

"Forty years ago?" Ben asks quietly.

You nod.

"I figured." Ben scoots closer towards you so that his thigh is brushing against yours. "I'm-"

"No." You squeeze his cheeks, eyes narrowing. "No more saying sorry. Not again."

"Okay." Ben's gaze is still apologetic. He waits for a minute, watching you in the silence. "What are we going to do about Homelander?"

"I don't know."

It was the truth, you had no idea what to do with your supposed son. You had seen the coldness in his eyes, heard about the horrible things that he was doing to other people, the horrible things he had threatened to do, and you'd seen the way he didn’t seem to care about human life.

Then again maybe I can't judge him, not after what I did to Stan. You think, your frown deepening. Stan deserved what I did to him and my only wish is that Vogelbaum somehow survived getting his head fucking blown off so I can make him pay.

"Do you think we should try to talk to him?" Ben asks.

"I don't think that's possible."

"Why not? He's our son, somewhere deep down he's got to be willing to do that." Ben's voice rumbles up through his chest. "Maybe they brainwashed him into the person we saw at Herogasm, maybe he's just being controlled and told what to do just like we were."

"I don't think that’s possible."

"Why not?" There's an urgency in his eyes that is unfamiliar to you, almost as if he's pleading for you to understand.

But why? Yes he's our son by blood but we don't know anything about him. We haven’t been in his life for forty years, we don't have any connections to him.

"You saw how he was at Herogasm. How he was almost happy to kill Butcher, how he was happy when he tried to kill you and me. I don't know what kind of person is okay with that. I mean you and I have killed people and we feel remorse after, or there's some kind of justification, but there was something in his eyes, it's almost not human. It's predatory, it's-" You shake your head trying to comprehend it. "I don't know what the fuck Vogelbaum did to him, but there's something inside Homelander that's not able to be saved."

"You don't know that."

"Ben, do you think that I want to believe that? To believe that our son is not a good person?" You drop his hand from your lap. "It's taking everything I am not to go to him, not to try and work this out. I keep trying to tell myself that maybe all he needs is family, but I don't know."

"My old man said that blood mattered. That it was the only thing that defined family-"

"Now you want to listen to your dad?" You sigh looking at Ben who is frowning at you. "We both know that he's not exactly the best role model."

"Well neither am I okay?" Ben snaps, his eyes flashing. "Maybe he just needed someone and there was no one there. I mean I wasn't there for Rosemary, but she had you and she turned out fine!"

"That's not your fault Ben. It's not your fault that you weren't there. You can't forget that they sent you to Russia to replace you with him."

"I'm not forgetting I'm just saying that they did the same fucking thing to me!"

Your next thought fizzes to a stop in your brain. What is he talking about?

"What are you talking about?" You try to reach for him, but he pulls back from your touch.

"They force fed him all that shit about what it was to be an American, they made him a supe, they brainwashed him with all my old fucking films." He spits. "But in the lab when we got the serum the first time, they did the same thing to me. They told me that I was going to be a god, that I was going to be the symbol that America needed to get through the war, that I was everything that would save America from destruction."

"Ben." You say again, this time taking his hands and he doesn't pull away. "Ben listen to me. You were older when you became a supe, we both were. You knew what reality was, you knew what the world was like when the scientists started spouting all their crap. You were old enough to understand. Homelander was raised in a lab, he didn't have a family, he didn't have friends. He was told that he was a god every day and he's not. He was raised to believe that he was something more than human, something unbeatable."

"But-"

"They told me that too." You push his hair back out of his eyes, trailing your fingers against his forehead. "That I was a god, that everyone would want me, would look at me and understand that I was beyond human. And at the beginning maybe I believed it for a few years, but that doesn't make him anything like you or like me. He's twisted, his mind is gone, any semblance of humanity he had has been warped away into something dark. He never had any light to begin with."

"You don't know that."

"I do. I can see it in his eyes. I saw it when I fought him at the Herogasm. There's nothing left to save. He's done terrible things."

"I have too." Ben mutters.

"No. You lost control, we all do. It's unrealistic to think that it won't happen, especially not for people like us who have lived this long, but him? He did those things of his own volition, because he believed that he should or maybe it was because he believed that no one could stop him." You cup his cheek, pulling his face forward into the space between the two of you. "The things you've done you feel remorse for. I was there for you every time you messed up. I saw what it did to you, saw how broken you were when you hurt someone."

"Because I'm a hero." Ben sighs. 

"Messing up once or twice does not make you less of a hero Ben, it makes you human." You lean your forehead against his, cupping his cheeks with your palms, feeling the way his beard tickles against your skin. "But Homelander, I don't think that there's anything human left."

Ben's hand comes up to hold on to your left wrist. "Then what do we do?"

"I don't know." You sigh. "I wish I did. If you really want to try to talk to him, we can, but I don't think that it's a good idea."

"He's still our son."

"He's our blood, but I don't think that makes him our son." You murmur.

You really didn't know how to deal with any of this. You wanted to believe that there was some semblance of humanity left in Homelander, but you didn't think that there was. You hated that Ben believed that he was like his son. Maybe that was some weird misogynist thing and Ben kept thinking like father like son in his head, but there wasn't any way that Homelander could be anything like Ben. Ben wasn't around for him, wasn't in his life, but maybe.

Ben pulls you back down on his chest once more, and you nestle into him once more, your head directly over his heart, the warmth of his skin comforting against your cheek.

"I think Noir knew." You breathe, tracing your hand over Ben's right pec.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Stan kinda hinted that he did, said that Noir was obsessed with me after I saved his life-"

"When did you save his- oh." Ben sighs.

"I think I should have seen that coming, given how much he kept showing up to my sparring sessions, the interviews, even some of the commercial shoots I had he seemed to always be around." You frown with a sigh. "I can't believe that I didn't know he was stalking me."

"What?"

"Stan said he kept breaking in to my apartment when I wasn't there, that he stole my necklace, you know? The one my dad got me for my birthday-"

Ben sits back so he can look you in the eye. "You're shitting me right?"

"No. That's what Stan said." You shrug. "Might have been just Stan trying to take some of the heat off, but that's what he said."

"That piece of shit." Ben almost growls. You can see the flash of jealousy and possession in his eyes that makes your heart thud a little faster in your chest. He clears his throat. "You-um- you never liked him right?"

"What?"

"The two of you were never that close?"

"Why are you asking me that?"

"Well you did save his life."

"Ben I've saved plenty of people from your temper. But no, I never liked him that way. Irving was sweet, but he was always so eager to prove himself to Stan it was just sad."

"Good."

"Why?" You sit up further, smirking at him. "Does that make you jealous? For you to think that Noir and I were together?"

Ben's eyes darken. "Watch it Sweetheart."

"Watch what?" You bat your eyes innocently. "I'm just asking a simple question."

"You keep poking the bear and you're not gonna like what happens."

"Poking the bear?" You snort sitting up and poke him in the ribs. "Are you the bear in that scenario?" You poke him again with a wicked smirk.

"Yes."

"Hmm. Well I think you're all talk. Because I have definitely poked you several-"

You're on your back in a second with Ben hovering over you, his green eyes shining as he flashes a roughish grin at you. One of his hands is pressed into the pillow next to your head, the other is at your waist, slipping beneath your t-shirt to rub circles over your hip bone with his thumb. "You were saying?" His voice is the low rumble that makes it hard for you to think.

You clear your throat. "I was saying that," You thread your hands behind the back of his head, working your fingers into his hair. "You have nothing to be jealous about."

"Really?"

"Mhhmm." You smile sheepishly. "Because it's always been you. No one else. Not Howard, Not Noir, just you." His hair is soft between your fingertips, his gaze unbreakable.

Ben returns your smile and collapses on top of you. You gasp out a breath, in a loud 'oof' sound as he does. His arms go around your waist and he buries his head in your chest breathing deeply. "I like it when you say that." He murmurs, turning his head so he can look up at you from your chest, with a smile that catches you in your heart.

"I know." You continue to scratch your fingertips through his hair.

"Sweetheart?"

"Yeah?" You breathe as you close your eyes, comforted by the weight of his body on top of yours. It was familiar, almost like he was a weighted blanket that took all your anxiety away. You felt safe with his arms wrapped around your waist, as if no one could touch you. You needed that now, needed that after you learned that without Ben someone had taken you from your home.

"I know that I can't say that there hasn't been anyone else." He whispers. "But you're the only one who mattered. You're the only woman that I've ever loved, and I swear that as long as I live I'll never love anyone else. You are all I've ever wanted and everything I thought I'd never have."

"You have me Ben." You whisper, beginning to fall asleep. "You always have, you always will."

And with those words you drift into the first fulfilling sleep you'd had in days, wrapped in the warm cocoon of Ben's love, allowing it to send you under into oblivion.

*********************************************************

A/N: I know this one was mostly fluff and talking, but I thought that the reader deserved that after everything with Stan, and also after she well -you know- made a tornado in Legend's backyard. We're going to pretend that no one else heard it. 😂

As always thank you so much for reading! If you'd like to be added to my taglist please let me know :)

And if you'd like to read something a little more bantery then try my series: Take A Chance On Me

Taglist:

Taglist: @roseblue373 @anundyingfidelity @cheynovak @cassiecasluciluce @muhahaha303

@deans-spinster-witch @kayleighmeister @demodemo909 @fruitfacess @bobbobbobinogs

@bughill126 @simplyfixated  @tiredstrangerr @freefallthoughts @onlyangel-444

@lov3vivian @mxltifxnd0m @mayafatimakhan @marvel-mistress @my-obsession-spn

@lifeonawhim  @liuope @brynanna @carpenterswife

@xxannyxx

 @babyinatrench-coat1 @the-gentle-spirit @valryomen @cassieriddle713 @shaggzthatsnottheworm

 @lil-soup @ej13928 @topstory21 @boywivlove

@mrsjenniferwinchester

@vivre-dans-la-nuit @megara0224 @daisy-the-quake @thesilmarillionblog @samanddeaninatrenchcoat

@libby99hb @peachhiz @tinydancer40 @tinystarfishgalaxy

@jvanilly

@libby99hb @lunaticgurly @i-am-typing @52ndstreeet

@anna6307

@pixviee @soldiergrimes @ladysparkles78 @ahoytothestorm

@octoazzy @modiddys-blog @marmie-noir @practicallylivesonline @impala67stellawinchester

@everlove @dangerousgardenchild

[astrologylunadream]

💘🌸Pac readings masterlist🌸💘

List of all my themed readings♡

I'm also taking recommendations for future reading so don't be shy to ask! :3

💗Soft pac readings list💗

•Are They Attracted To You?💋🌺🌹(Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•What They Think of You 💬🍑🍨 ໒꒱˖˚.(Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•You and Your FS as Parents 🍼🩷✨️(Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•What They're Missing With You!💅🎀✨️(Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•How Their Higher Self Feels About You 💍💎🩷(Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•Do They Have Romantic Feelings for You? 🫧🌸💋(Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•What Type of Lover Would They Be? 💌🍓🖤 (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•Your Person's POV of You 👀🌸🎀 (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•What About You Makes Them Blush? 💝🥰🎀 (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•Everything About Your Future Spouse +Traits & Initials 🌹👤💍 (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•How Your Person Would Describe You🍨🗣💭 (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•Their Feelings for You This Month 💌🖤💬 (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•What They Want for Christmas?💌🎀🎄 (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•How They Want to Spend the Holidays With You 🛷⛄🧣 (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•Your Next Long-term Friendship🍒💄♥️ (Pick a card/Tarot reading)

•Everything Your Person Loves About You♡🧁🍇🖤 (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•Sweet Messages From Your Person ୧⍤⃝💌🍰🍨🎀 (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•How This Connection Feels You vs Them👥🔗♡ (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•Someone Wants To Comfort You Right Now📱🌪🖤 (Pick a card/Tarot reading)

•What They Want For This Connection🔮🌠(Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•Who am I destined to love?💌☁️🔗 [Soulmate reading] (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•Who is in love with you +why?🧸🍑🌸♡ (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•Your Crush's Biggest Insecurities💌😰💧 (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•Your First Date with Them♡🍰🌹☕ (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•Channeled Messages From Your Person💌🔥💟 (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•When will I find love?💗⏳🌙 (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•Your Crush's Biggest Secret?!🤫💖⁉️ (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•What does your crush think of you?🌸💕 (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

🖤Dark pac readings list🖤

•How Your FS Handles Conflict With You 🗣💬💢(Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•How They Want to Please You [SPICY] 💌🌹🫦 (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•Is this a healthy connection?🤔⚠️✂️ (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•What They Fantasize Doing With You🕹💋⛓ [SPICY] (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•Their Deepest Desires of You💀🔞🖤 [SPICY] (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•What They're Keeping from You🕸🕷👤 (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•Their Hidden Fantasies of You🥵👅🖤 [SPICY] (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

•How they will become obsessed with you 💋🧲🖤 (Pick a card/Tarot love reading)

[katerinaptrv]

My Stand-In - My view on Ming/Joe

I have been known to like very controversial ships, they are actually my favorites. But in all of them the thing is, it has to have a specific element, for me to love them. And that  is balance (or technically balanced unbalance).

Let me explain, I did not like Third/Kai, and I did not like Ray/Sand because for me these relationships were just toxic, they are unilateral toxic relationships. One part being extremely toxic and the other not, just suffering the abuse from their partner.

But I love ToddBlack and VegasPete because their craziness matches, they are very toxic together, two sides of the same coin.

And I am loving My Stand-In so far, it will definitely be my new obsession until it ends because I think they are very unbalanced together. BOTH OF THEM.

Let me explain my POV on this.

I think their level of unbalance is the same and rooted in the same cause but they express it differently. Ming with being violent, controlling, selfish, etc. And Joe letting him, never establishing any limits towards since the beginning, putting everyone needs/wants first but himself (including Ming’s).

And they both act like this because they both believe deep down they aren’t worthy, they are unlovable and they don’t deserve anything. Every unhealthy action they have towards others or themselves is because they have big self estimate issues.

This is why Ming always thinks Joe is always about to leave for someone else, this is why Joe can accept the help his friends offer him.

And they both started being the stand-in for something the other needed, Joe as a replacement for Ming’s crush for Tong and Ming as someone that needed Joe, made him feel worthy. The “someone to come home to at home waiting with lights on”.

So, I think they are both on a journey to learn to love themselves more and each other. Ming is his path to realization that there is no replacement for Joe. And Joe on his that is not “someone” he wants at his home, that person is Ming.

So, I think they are a perfect matching unbalanced pair. But I also think the show is very good at hiding his. Everyone pays a lot of attention to Ming, what he is doing, why he is doing, but not much on Joe. The whole he needs money situation and the urgency of it let’s all of us believe he has no choice but to go back, but true is that he wants to, even after everything, he does not want to want to, but he does. He is conflicted with his feelings, just like Ming’s was conflicted when they were together.

So people claimed justice for Joe, or him being saved. I don’t think he wants to be saved, he never did (this could change in the future). And from our POV Ming ruined his life, but I think for him the worst thing Ming did was not loving him like he believed, and when he understands that was not entirely true I don't think he will hold on the rest of his sins towards him for much time.

Because he made Ming his life, for the moment they met. He is just as obsessed about him as it happens vice versa.

Like, ok, he made him lose his job, but Joe had Ming above his job for some time now. You can see when he hesitates taking a part that will really benefit his career or going against Tong because it could jeopardize what he had with Ming. 

The whole accepting that offer to take Tong’s part that could prejudice his career was all about Ming, he says it “I’m going to show his fans i can be the male lead”.

So, yes, Ming is the cause of everything but also the reason behind everything he does.

And of course it isn't healthy, they are very unhealthy together, the both of them, and that's why I love this ship.

[kittyamore0]

Hi! Can i request a Slasher with a manipulative, attention seeking reader who will do anything for fame and kill which they already have? Slashers can be any you want!

A/N: ooh! I love the idea of this!

Slashers with a S/O who kills for fame:

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

[PART I] RATING: SFW with NSFW mentions

FANDOM/GENRE: Slashers, dark romance, horror

TAGS: @kittiescrownedsoul

POV: Second person

WRITING STYLE: Headcanons

Characters: Carrie White, Jill Roberts, Micheal Myers, and Jason Voorhees

REMINDER: Do NOT transfer, translate, modify, copy or steal my work!

Reader: Quotes that you say will be colored.

Appreciation note: Thank you for 100 followers! Love you guys. Stay safe, healthy, and have fun!

CW: Blood, blood kink, weapons, manipulation, gore, killing, comiting crimes for fame, murder, GN! Reader, framing others, sexual themes, sex mentions

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

CARRIE WHITE

She puts it behind her, acts like it never happened.

You were quite popular at Carries school

You had a blog and everything

Among your followers was Carrie

She uses the library computers and even bought one for her use only

We can say she had a crush on you

A BIG one at that

She could see why you were popular at her school

You were kind, smart, pretty/handsome, but sometimes a bit...off?

You would disappear at times and take very long

You got jittery when someone asked where you were and what were you doing

But you quickly put on this 'nice' persona to throw the person off

Huh, weird.

Anyways

Another reason Carrie liked you was because you had helped her out many times

Whenever Chris would try and harass her, you'd stop Chris and defend Carrie

"Oh, c'mon. [Name!], why are you sticking up for shitty Carrie?"

"Because she never did anything to you or anyone else. Shes innocent, so leave her alone before I get Ms. Collins on your ass again, Chris."

cue angry chrissy

You were perfect in her eyes

Sometimes you two would hang out!

And she'd trust you enough to tell you about what her mom does

You obvi saw it as abuse, but you didn't say anything

When you asked her to the prom, she was thrilled

But Chris was so ever pissed

She just broke up with Billy to go to the prom with you, and you're going to the prom with CARRIE WHITE instead of her?!?!

So now she had to go back to Billy, and make a goddamn fool of herself by begging for him to come back!

She planned revenge, and how was she going to get revenge? Well, she planned to take your popularity away by making her more popular than you

You notice she started a blog and started copying trends and things you were doing

She started getting more followers, and thats when you realized what she was trying to do

You were absolutely mad!

Who did this dumb, whore think she is?!

You had to take care of this, and fast.

You invited Chris to coffee the next day and she complied

Carrie was at the library and you gave her a spare key to your house, but that meant that you had enough time to go home and freshen up

Clean up your messy, bloody tracks before greeting your girlfriend

By the time you and Chris finished having coffee, you offered a walk around the nearest park

It was night

You both were walking on a small bridge, before she started choking and scratching at her neck

You had poisoned her

She grabbed the bridge railing and tears spilled from her eyes

That's when you bashed the side of her head with a log, splashing blood on your face, and making her fall face first into the running stream

You used your oversized sleeve to hold the log, dropping it too into the river

By the time you got home, Carrie was there

Which threw you off

She wasn't supposed to be home yet

"Oh, [Name ]"

...

"Oh, my god. What happened to you?!"

"Uhm "

"Are you okay? Who hurt you?!"

"Carrie, let me ex "

"Oh, my god. Oh, my god. We should go to the po "

"Carrie! I did it! I hurt someone..."

...

"W what...?"

“Chris, it was Chris.”

"The girl who...bothers me...?"

"Yes, and she, uhm, she did some things that got me really mad so i...had to..."

Carrie felt sick

Well, one half of her did. The other felt quite...relieved, for some reason...

Carrie didnt talk to you for days

But when she did, she just wanted to put it all behind her

You agreed and became more careful with your murders

You two continued going to prom together, the prank on Carrie didnt happen because Billy was too devastated to continue on

Ater prom, you convinced Carrie that her mother was abusive and that she should go with you

She did.

After all, she does trust you.

JILL ROBERTS

She loves it! You're just like her. You're both soulmates!!

Fell inlove with you instantly

She first found your blog and became an admirer

She found out about your love of the stab movies and what happened in Woodsboro

What happened to her attention seeking cousin, Sideny Prescott...

This couldnt have been a coincidence, right?

Where you two...soulmates?

She loved seeing your post, and would fangirl over your outfits, what you were doing, etc...

She sent you many gifts

All labeled 'Secret admirer'

You thought it was really cute

Always making videos about the gifts she sent you

She was happy to see you liking her gifts

Especially the ghostface mask, plushies, knives, fake blood

She would dream about being ghostface partners with her

With her upcoming plans for Sidney returning back to Woodsboro

And surprisingly, you were also visiting Woodsboro

When she found out, she was absolutely estatic

Where did you live?

Oh, well, luckily you posted a video about showing your front house

She saw the address on the nearby sign that was still on your lawn.

One morning, she happened to stumble across your house

And thats how you met her

She expressed her love for you and your blog right away

"Im such a big fan!"

"You know, im the one who sent the knife, fake blood, not really fake..., ghost face mask, shirt, etc..."

"Oh, really?"

"Yea!"

You found her big liking, love, for you really cute.

So you invited her out to coffee and she was so excited

Practically bouncing off the ground

Kirby had never seen her so happy

You two practically hit off when you met on that coffee date

And you two ended up becoming close friends

Enough that she has caught you murdering one of your haters

But you never knew she knew that

She honestly found it hot

And thats when she brought her master plan to kill Sidney, make herself, and you, famous

You loved it, like she expected

The perfect ghost face duo.

MICHAEL MYERS

A bit annoyed, but mostly doesnt care

He finds it hot

Sex after you've killed

Wants to keep the blood on you if you got messy because BLOOD KINK

No excuses

We all know Micheal would not have a clue on who you are

But, while killing his victims, the computer was on

He managed to catch a glimpse of it and see your face on screen

Your video was playing

Your account was on display

We all know Micheal would not have a clue on who you are

But, while killing his victims, the computer was on

He managed to catch a glimpse of it and see your face on screen

Your video was playing

Your account was on display

He watched a few of your videos, before hearing police sirens

Yep. Victim material you are.

Yes, he wanted to kill you

So he started stalking you a lot

He noticed your habit of seeking out attention, more like fame, a lot

That got him curious about you

You still were gonna be his victim of course

Until...he caught you slaughtering this famous blogger

Damn.

He didnt expect that coming

He just watched you in silence as you stabbed that persons stomach over and over again

After that, he couldnt bring himself to kill you.

Dammit. Why?

He doesnt even know the answer to that himself

And for you, you've known hes been stalking you

So one day, while he was stalking you, you saw him in position and waved at him

While smiling

He just tilted his head in response

How amusing.

from there he realized what hed been feeling

Hes got a harmless crush on you, and lust

So while you were alone, vulnerable, he just happened to sneak into your house

You caught him standing there, head tilted, in your dark hallway

"Hello, Michael,"

You smiled sweetly at him.

JASON VOORHEES

He was annoyed at first, still is a bit

Why? Well, you posted about going to Camp Crystal Lake

So now there were a bunch of weirdos camping there, and trying to meet you 'out of the blue'

When you did get there, he stalked you for a bit

Why werent you going through any of his traps?

What the hell

I mean, he did want you to last a little longer because of how pretty/handsome you were

Maybe you werent so bad

He saw how you were gentle with nature, even though it was only to avoid his traps

When you visited the lake, the first thing you did was pray...for him.

You said you felt bad...felt bad when he drowned

"You didnt deserve that,"

...

Oh.

How...sweet.

You werent like the other people who had stepped on Camp Crystal Lake

(Not me feeling like a pick me from saying, 'You werent like the other people ')

(SORRY LMAOO)

Anyways, those people were disrespectful

Drinking, partying, fucking, doing drugs. In a place that belonged to Jason and was not for horny teenagers or adults

But you...you respected the camp and...him.

He didnt want to kill you anymore and just let you be

Though, you heard his foot stomp of the branch

Fuck.

"Whose there?!"

He grunted and sighed under his hockey mask

He came out of those dark shadows and let you see him

You just stared at him, eyes bulging out of your sockets.

"Jason?!"

He nodded

"Oh, my god. Oh, my god!"

You laughed in disbelif

"Im meeting a dead person?! And...even if you are lying and just pretending, holy shit!"

He just shook his head

"Can i take a picture?!"

He shook his head once again, cue a frown-y you

"I get it...but can i stay here?! Oh, my god. I always wonder about dead people, how they work and and stuff!"

He didnt see a problem with it, so sure.

He nodded

"Thank you!"

you squealed with excited

"You're gonna like me. We're gonna be friends!"

He didnt nod nor shook his head, but he shrugged.

Meh.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆⋆⁺₊⋆ ☀︎ ⋆⁺₊⋆

[dykrophone]

you know what it's 1:30am and quite literally no one cares but idk. the tags on my last post reminded me and I feel like rambling about something no one cares about and that's why I have a tumblr so why tf not lol

izzie taylor taught me that i could love.

ironic because the first person I ever loved fucking hates her guts and thinks she's toxic af lol. but cazzie meant the fucking world to me as a baby sapphic, not just because they were one of my first sapphic ships ever but because of how fucking relatable they were. they were messy ass teenagers and their chemistry felt so real. and fivel stewart (along with deepika padukone) is my #1 celeb crush of all time but Not The Point lmao.

like idk how to explain it because I'm obviously a much more stable person now than I was when I first got into the ship but the thing I love so much about izzie is how hard she tries to get fucking better. and how she apologizes and communicates when she fucks up no matter what. because the thing is she Does fuck up. a Lot. girlie has trauma and issues the size of jupiter and she has mood swings and bouts of shame and her "brain just betrays [her] sometimes" and she doesn't know how to handle it. she doesn't trust herself because she doesn't feel things consistently. and god did seeing her work her ass off to become a better person and get over her self-destructive tendencies to maintain a healthy relationship mean the world to 14 year old me. it kind of snapped me out of my self-hating cynical world view and gave me so much hope honestly. because back then I genuinely didn't believe I was capable of maintaining a healthy long term relationship (of any kind, not specifically romantic). I thought I would inevitably end up hurting everyone and the kindest option was to isolate myself forever. but the thing is. people need people to get better. sometimes you need to let people in. and izzie showed me that as long as I didn't stop trying and made sure to communicate openly and honestly no matter what, I could love people and be there for them too. and progress isn't linear. izzie does regress and fuck up over and over, but the thing is she LEARNS from her mistakes. she gets over herself and apologizes and does her best to make up for it. and she gets more stable with time, just like I did. it's not easy to realize your agency when you struggle with depression or ocd or bpd or whatever. but you do have agency. you just. have to keep trying. no matter how many times you fall on your face and fuck up. izzie showed me that it's worth trying, because you do get better. which is why she'll always be one of the characters closest to my heart. (and the ship. fucking ship of all time.)

anyway. here's my trying to be better as a fucked up mentally ill teenager playlist inspired by the one and only izzie taylor <3

and the companion casey-inspired playlist of loving someone who can and does hurt you because they're struggling with mental illness because you know they're trying and getting better and that they're worth it <3 (sidenote i could go On about the casey side of things forever too but. that's for another time lol. you don't have to put up with shit just because the other person is going through stuff that's not what I'm saying. it's more nuanced than that and I love how casey set boundaries for herself re: that buuuuuut i digress)

[sky-the-trans-guy00]

Her PR Guy- Ch.2

Y/N’s POV

It had been about a month since I started working for Gotham, and I was already loving every second of it. The players were among the nicest people I had worked with, but there was just one problem— I was self-sabotaging and avoiding a certain blonde midfielder who was exactly my type.

I was hardly able to function in Kristie’s presence without turning into a gay mess, so I had been avoiding her and not acknowledging my feelings. I knew what I was doing wasn’t healthy, so I decided to speak with my therapist, Celesta, about it.

***

As I sat in the waiting room of Celesta’s office, I noticed that the ESPN body issue had come out and was sitting on one of the side tables by the couches. Before I could gather the courage to see if a certain blonde midfielder was featured in the issue, Celesta came out to greet me and then escorted me to her office.

“So, Y/N, how have you been coping with your move to New York?”

“I’ve been doing pretty well, but I wanted to talk to you about something regarding work…”

“Go right ahead!”

“I’m attracted to one of the players I work with, and although I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual, I have found myself avoiding her”

“Why do you think that is (Y/N)?”

“I think it’s because she’s out of my league and I don’t want to embarrass myself while talking to her. Also I don’t know why she would want to date someone like me when she can have her pick out of pretty much every queer person who’s single in the NWSL?”

“It sounds like you’re experiencing some imposter syndrome, but I’d challenge you to be nicer to yourself, and to stop with the negative self-talk. If you tell yourself something enough times, you’ll end up believing it.”

“Yeah, but how do I fix it and stop self-sabotaging?”

“I’d suggest coming up with an affirmation to say to yourself when you’re struggling; I think it would really help”

“I’ll be sure to try that from now on. Thanks Celesta!.”

***

The next morning, I decided to grab brunch at a local LGBTQ+ hangout with my best friend Danny. I didn’t know what to wear, so Danny came over early to help me pick out an outfit that would be fitting for my debut into the queer community of NYC.

I was dressed in a classic blue flannel, dark wash jeans, and a pair of chukka boots, and I could tell that there were plenty of eyes on me. Once we were seated by the host, our waitress came over and introduced herself.

“Hi, my name is Sammi, and I’ll be your waitress this morning! What can I get started for you boys?”

“I’ll take a mimosa,” said Danny.

“And I’ll have a strawberry banana smoothie, please,” I said.

“For sure, handsome,” Sammi replied, I’ll have your drinks out for you shortly,” said Sammi.

***

“She was super friendly and totally your type! You should definitely ask her for her number (Y/N/N)!”

“Oh shit…she was flirting with me, wasn’t she?” 

“I mean, yeah, it was pretty obvious…”

“Goddamn! I can’t believe I didn’t pick up on that,” I groaned in frustration. 

Sammi came back with our drinks, and asked, “Are you guys ready to order?”

“Yes,” said Danny, “I’ll have the buckwheat pancakes with a side of bacon”

“And what about you, cutie?” 

“I’ll umm… take the the Eggs Benedict with extra hollandaise sauce.”

“Coming right up,” Sammi replied. 

After Sammi left to put in our orders, I avoided eye contact with Danny in an effort to maintain some type of self-preservation.

“She’s definitely into you!” Exclaimed Danny. 

“Maybe so, but I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship yet,” I replied. 

“When are you going to stop letting Karen control your life?” 

This wasn’t the first time someone in my circle had something to this effect. My buddy Alex had said the same thing when I was ranting about my huge crush on Kristie. 

“Fuck it, you’re right Danny!” I said, “I’ll ask for her number when she brings us the check.”

“Slay! Look at you (Y/N/N)! I’m so proud of you.”

***

Sammi came back with our food shortly after I made the decision to “shoot my shot”. 

“Here are those buckwheat pancakes with a side of bacon,” she said as she placed Danny’s plate in front of him. 

“And here is your Eggs Benedict with the extra hollandaise sauce,” Sammi said with a wink. 

As soon as Sammi left the vicinity, I started to freak out. 

“Yeah, never mind. There’s no way I can handle asking for her number, I definitely don’t have the balls for that!”

“Well, why don’t you just write your number on the extra receipt and leave it there for her to see?”

“That’s actually not a bad idea; I think I will!”

“Okay then, let’s dig in!”

***

When Sammi came to collect our plates, I was beyond stuffed. 

“I think I’m going to nap away my food coma when I get home”

“Me too, (Y/N/N)!” 

After she finished bussing our table, Sammi brought our checks out to us, and sure as heck, mine had her number on it, along with a note:

You’re super cute and I’d love to go out with you! The ball’s in your court, handsome 😊

Kristie POV

I was sitting with Ash, Ali, Midge, and Lynn at Brunch when (Y/N) came up with the topic of conversation.

“Honestly, I’m not sure how that man is still single…if I wasn’t already in a committed relationship and in love with Marley, you’d best believe I’d be making a move on him,” said Lynn, “You mentioned that you thought he was cute, Kristie— what’s the hold-up?”

“I’m not sure, honestly. I’ve been flirting with him, but I think he’s starting to avoid me,” replied Kristie.

“Well, if I were you I’d take it up a notch. Be super direct and then leave the ball in his court,” suggested Ali. 

[elliemarchetti]

Rotten Petals, Rotten Feelings

Sad Elriel drabble for my alphabet of flowers prompt list.

Modern AU, modern proof reading (which is none).

Part 2 if you're interested in Gwyn's POV

Prompt: Magnolia – Dignity

Words:685

Elain couldn't stop looking at the photo Feyre had sent her. It had been taken the previous evening, at Rita's. Elain hadn't wanted to join the outing organized by Cassian for his birthday, and not because she didn't love her sister's boyfriend, but because she didn't want to see Azriel. What had happened between them wasn’t a situationship, but it couldn’t even be called a simple friendship. They had kissed at the Christmas party, hidden in a corridor whose lights had remained off the whole evening. They had exchanged meaningful gifts in secret, away from prying eyes, and months of sexual tension had finally resulted in a kiss under the mistletoe. They had parted only when they heard approaching footsteps, and though they had been quick to go their separate ways, Elain was certain that Rhysand had caught them. For days she had been waiting for him to call, or at least text – he had her number, after all – but he never did, nor did he seem in the mood to broach the issue the next time they met. It had taken weeks before she’d found him alone, and he’d been quick to tell her he couldn’t give her what she wanted, even thought Elain never told him what she actually expected. So, with a cold and calculated sentence, whatever had blossomed between them had died in the bud, like flowers bloomed too early on a particularly warm winter day and caught off guard by the following frost.

It's all over now, she told herself when the weather started to get warmer, and her friends returned from their respective expensive holidays. By the time spring arrived, she was sure she no longer had any feelings for the elusive and mysterious guy who had stolen her heart during a snowy day.

It was just a stupid crush, it's normal to have those at twenty-three, she reminded herself when her beautiful garden began to paint the view from her room with the colours of the rainbow. She had believed it, she had felt healed, until Feyre had sent her that photo. She knew her sister hadn’t done it in bad faith. It was among many others, one of the usual reports she did when someone couldn’t attend this or that event. Only this time Azriel, who usually shied away from the camera, was featured in one of the shots, along with a red-haired beauty. The lucky stranger looked like a model, her cerulean off-the-shoulder dress something Elain would never have thought of wearing. It wasn’t overly revealing per se, but it seemed too sexy to be worn in public, more like a sleeved slip than an actual item of clothing. Her long, lean legs, so athletic they removed any doubt about her gym-goer routine, were accentuated by tight vintage boots, and every inch of exposed skin was covered in adorable freckles. Her manicured hands were resting on Azriel’s broad shoulders, halfway between the biceps and the deltoids, and their lips were united in a passionate kiss, decidedly more sensual than the one he and Elain had exchanged.

He's over me, was the first thought that crossed her mind when she saw the proof, but now she was spiralling into more self-deprecating ideas.

“I wasn’t enough,” she murmured, as she sat in the shade of her blooming magnolia. The petals of the flowers on the branches were beautiful, silky, fading from a deep pink at the base to the purest white at the tips, but the ones on the ground, the ones surrounding her, had already started to rot, an eyesore in contrast with the green and healthy grass.

In a fit of anger, or perhaps of newfound dignity, she deleted the photo along with all the others of Azriel she still had on her phone. There was no point in pining over someone who had dismissed her so quickly. For good measure, she also unfollowed him on social media, and deleted his number, to avoid asking for an explanation there really wasn’t any need for. He didn’t want her, and that should’ve been enough to move on.

[gizkasparadise]

hi!! i love your taste in dramas and i was wondering if you have any more villain romance recs, specifically cdrama recs? i finished lbfad and tiger & rose already and im currently watching twisted fate of love (and LOVING it hehe)

yay i love villain romances!! gonna include villains and villain-lites! my favorites on this list are goodbye my princess and arthdal chronicles for villain main leads and love and redemption, monarch industry, empress ki, extraordinary you, chicago typewriter, and bridal mask/gaksital for villainy second leads!

cdrama: villain is the main lead

the ultimate villain romance for me is goodbye my princess. the male lead is fucking horrendous but compelling and it's a tragedy from start to finish. don't watch if you want healthy relationships, someone changing for the better through the power of love, or a happy ending. do watch if you're in the mood to just get fucked up and see gorgeous costumes and scenery while doing so (also my favorite cdrama ost!). romance of tiger and rose is kind of a romcom parody of this one, too!

the legends is a nice sort of gender flip-- the female lead is basically a hot shit, overpowered demon and the male lead is a gentle guy trying to do bad all on his own because he's full of heart eyes. there's also a secondary antagonist who has a thing for the female lead, so double villainy!

word of honor. i have not finished this one, but one of the male leads def fits this bill!

the rise of phoenixes. not really a villain ML, exactly, but he's very machiavellian and schemey so if you liked the lead in twisted fate of love, you'd DEFINITELY like him (i need to finish this drama!!!)

...till the end of the moon. which i dont think i recommend, but feel compelled to mention. here's the deal: the middle arc, like eps 19-30ish? fucking perfection! the bookends on either side? dont do nearly as much. the end? i dont know her (literally, i didnt bother with the last ep). idk try it out if you're starving for costume villain love trapped in a masochism tango, but....watch some of the other dramas on this list first

cdrama: villainy second lead and/or main antagonist is in love with the lead

love and redemption and dear god you'll need a stress ball

monarch industry/the rebel princess has shades of this

prince of lan ling

kdrama: villain is the main lead

arthdal chronicles has a male lead having a villainous crush on the female lead (and they are VERY ship baity), as well as the second male and female leads both being villains and in love. i love iiiit, but be warned it ends on a cliffhanger and s2 isnt out yet

cheese in the trap. the male lead is not a great dude. a lot of people dont like this drama, but i love it (aside from a weak last ep)

everyone's just a little bit shitty in bloody heart, to include the male lead

the male lead in little women will have you guessing from start to finish if you're a clown for trusting him or not

who the villain is is kind of a rotating door in the series, but the main male lead in moon lovers: scarlet heart ryeo definitely spends time in anti-hero land

que sera sera and when a man's in love/man in love are older dramas with male leads who are definitely Questionable (the former is described as a bastard in the synopsis and the latter is an ex-gangster trying to go legit but not quite able to shake the gangster tendencies). neither story is a traditional romance, and there's a lot of content warnings to be mindful of (lots of slapping and hitting in the former, cheating in the second [and probably some slapping])

depending on your POV (or the point of the story) the main love interest from empress ki could qualify! and then there's a support character who's a straight up villain that's got a crush

i dont want to tell you anything because spoilers! but there's flavors of this with king in love/the king loves

kdrama: villainy second lead and/or primary antagonist is in love with the lead

extraordinary you

mr. sunshine (more anti-hero than villain, but you'll get that flavor with dong mae aka my most intense SLS ever)

dali and the cocky prince

the princess' man

tale of nokdu

chicago typewriter (more villainous crush than full on love line)

bridal mask/gaksital (the male lead also starts out as a villain in this one!)

from now on, showtime! features a villainous crush and i wish the backstory eps were their own drama because i loved them

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Dan’s POV Masterlist

a great deal of light (falls on everything) (ao3) - bevshanscom

Summary: They have settled, he thinks, in their own way. That has little to do with the fact Phil’s turning 30.

(Dan and Phil celebrate Phil's birthday on the Isle of Man, and maybe Dan's already a Lester)

Brace Yourself (ao3) - AshHansbr0

Summary: Somehow every time I have a dentist appointment you do too and you always sit next to me in the waiting room and ask me ‘what are you in for’ as if we are in prison and this has been happening for two years who are you

Chips (ao3) - philsmeatylegss

Summary: Dan struggling with the concept that all healthy couples should fight.

cloud watch (ao3) - howelllesters

Summary: Or, pastel!Dan hates his new journal but writes in it anyway, and accidentally just ends up recording his feelings on punk!Phil, in a suitably melodramatic way.

Covet (ao3) - americanphancakes

Summary: The only thing making Dan feel alive is his all-consuming crush on the new deacon.

Dan and His Butterflies (ao3) - Raspberrysaxophone

Summary: Very basic: Dan is terribly in love with Phil (the sporty jog). So much so, that Dan joins the school's sports team to be closer to him. As Dan awkwardly stumbles around, Phil starts to take notice of him. A party takes place and who knows what a drunk Dan might do...

down for the count and i’m drownin’ in ‘em (ao3) - kishere

Summary: they’re stuck in a waiting game, the area of time when Dan knows Phil should be beginning his heat and actually /starting/ his heat. preheat has many side affects including wanting to nest, increased libido, irritation just to name a few.

Fortune Cookies (ao3) - kae_karo

Summary: Dan gets a fortune cookie and it's been bugging him all day. But he's NOT superstitious.

Getting through a bad day. (ao3) - Septic84

Summary: Dan has learned about his depression and understands it better now, that doesn't keep the bad days from happening.

glow (ao3) - danthrusts

Summary: being a witch is fun until everything is blowing up around you

Hurt me once (ao3) - Augusti_Lila

Summary: song fic of "hurt me once- ben platt"

Dan had decided to confess Phil his love. But sometimes what we plan it's not what we end up having.

I pray for the ground to swallow me whole (Just Like Heaven) (ao3) - AnotherPhanficWriter

Summary: Dan is a recently dumped Youtuber moving into a new apartment in Manchester. But the apartment isn't entirely empty; it's haunted by the ghost of a man named Phil. And although Phil can't remember much about his life, he's convinced that he isn't really dead. In Phil's 'previous life', he worked in Tesco, with only a couple of close friends, no one even knew his name. But now he's in a coma and his spirit is trapped in his house that now belongs to someone else. Will he remember what his life was like and more importantly, what can break this curse? While Dan recruits PJ, his friend who's slightly sceptic about ‘Phil’, to get to the bottom of Phil’s identity, he and Phil begin to fall in love.

In Vino... (ao3) - americanphancakes

Summary: Dan’s only brave enough when he’s drunk.

(Dan POV version of "Veritas")

It's Growing On Me (ao3) - Profrock

Summary: AU where Dan runs an aesthetic shitpost blog and Phil runs a famous aesthetic plant blog. One day, Phil follows Dan back and they get to talking...

Just A Little Bit's Enough (ao3) - TheUKAmazingDan

Summary: Dan wasn't very happy with what he found on Phil's laptop. The lies and deceit were way too much to deal with calmly, and believe me when I say that Dan was way beyond being calm.

Kiss Me Like the First Time (ao3) - interruptedbyfjreworks

Summary: “Remember our first kiss?” I asked, smiling up at Phil.

He chuckled softly. “How could I forget? That was the best kiss I had ever had. Although, I hadn’t kissed many people before that.”

I laughed and looked down at my hands. Somehow, they had found their way to Phil’s hands, and I was absentmindedly playing with his fingers. “Kiss me like that,” I said suddenly.

“What?” Phil said, startled.

“Kiss me like the first time.”

Kiss Me Through the Phone (ao3) - TheUKAmazingDan

Summary: In which Dan deals with the emptiness of their apartment, but Phil sends something to make it better.

like (ao3) - iihappydaysii

Summary: Phil's out of town and Dan's left alone with their five year old son. All their son wants is for Phil to come home.

Meeting the Parents (ao3) - eremoose

Summary: Phil meet's Dan's parents and discovers the nickname they gave him

Merry Christmas, you spoon (ao3) - kae_karo

Summary: Dan is Death, Phil is Life, and Christmas is coming up - their first Christmas together - though Dan's worried: something feels a little...off.

Paper Thin Charade (ao3) - ShoutingIntoTheVoid

Summary: Snippets throughout Dan and Phil's life showing moments they have almost revealed their relationship and had to cover it up.

Also shows Dan struggling with his sexuality and people finding out about their relationship and becoming more confident over time.

People Change Their Minds (ao3) - scifi

Summary: dan falls out of love

Precocious child (ao3) - Septic84

Summary: Dan and Phil's lives change and progress faster than they had anticipated.

The Smirnoff Slip (ao3) - TheUKAmazingDan

Summary: Laurence really hadn't meant to do it; He was only a kid after all. And Dan couldn't be mad at him, especially not after meeting his attractive new principal.

The stranger who loved me. (ao3) - Septic84

Summary: “Well, that’s nice I guess,” he paused, “but I have no idea who you are.”

“Haha, very funny,”

“I wasn’t being funny,”

“What?” I swallowed hard, “You don’t know who I am?”

“No, am I supposed to?”

The Wallflower's Guide to Love (ao3) - Art3misPlayerOne

Summary: Dan is a brilliant but painfully shy and awkward guitar player in a popular local band who prefers to hide from the spotlight. He's content to lose himself in his playing and avoids friendships and emotional attachments, but an accidental run-in with a mystery boy inspires him to reach out to him through anonymous texts.

Too scared that the boy will be disappointed in the real him, Dan doesn't want to reveal his identity and risk losing their surprising connection. When forced to choose between his anonymity and putting his heart on the line, help from an unexpected friendship pushes him far beyond his comfort zone, but will it be too little too late?

when we were younger. (ao3) - dylaesthetics

Summary: dan is seriously in need of a breather after the difficult year he's had, and finds home in no one other than phil

[77angelnumbers77]

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ My Fic Masterpost

You Know All Too Well 1.8k, Complete, Rose Lalonde & Rose's Mom | Beta Roxy Lalonde, Sollux Captor & Rose Lalonde, Teen and Up

You are more the spot reserved in a gallery for a singular breathtaking painting to steal the spotlight and put everything else into stark contrast. Mother kept an empty seat at the table for the woman she decided that you would be from the age of six, back when your memories in this well-rendered format trace back to. Rose flirts with madness. Can be read with Everything Comes in Pieces or separately.

Tags: Dream Bubbles (Homestuck), POV Second Person, POV Rose Lalonde, Insanity, Mentions of Alcohol, Classpect Bullshit, Dissatisfaction, Shameless References to Printer Ink, Doomed timeline Rose - Freeform

Sea Legs 2.2k, Complete, Past Eridan Ampora/Vriska Serket, Eridan Ampora/Sollux Captor, Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket, Teen and Up

"I have a new kismesis," Eridan says conversationally. To someone else, it might've sounded casual. You? You know her enough to see that she is practically vibrating with the excitement of it.

Tags: Boats, I know nothing about boats but I do know something about ships, Sparring, Bickering, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Healthy?? Kismesissitude, Genderbent Eridan, Genderbent Sollux, Prompt Fill, Time Skip, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, POV Second Person, POV Vriska Serket, POV Eridan Ampora

Twice as Petty 1.1k, Complete, Eridan Ampora/Sollux Captor, Teen and Up

Sollux: why are you puttiing oiil iin iit Sollux: ii2n't iit two oiily Sollux: ii2n't that ju2t what you 2aiid Eridan: i havve no idea howw youre this glubbin stupid Eridan: honestly sol Eridan: its not oily so much as fuckin dry Eridan: im givvin your poor hair its oils back Eridan: your ablutions are too close together for your hair type and your 2-in-1 leavves your hair dangerously dehydrated

Tags: Silliness and Mayhem, Genderbend, fem!Sollux, fem!Eridan - Freeform, Hair, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck)

Everything Comes In Pieces 28.5k, WIP, Eridan Ampora/Sollux Captor, Explicit

It's almost funny how much it hurts to live after the doom you spent your whole life waiting for has come to pass. Chronicles of Sollux's life after death.

Tags: Sollux Captor & Rose Lalonde, Revenge, Violence, Slow Burn, Enemies to Lovers, Dream Bubbles, Alternate Universe, Doomed timeline Rose - Freeform, Let Rose be the mess she is, Accidental Quadrant Vacillation, non-sexual choking, Suicide, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Panic Attacks, Toxic Relationships, Past Character Death, Rose's Adventures in Psychoanalysis, Wet Dream, Dubious Consent, It will get healthier/happier I promise, POV Second Person, Bulges and Nooks (Homestuck), Sollux Captor Has Dual Bulges, Fluff, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Strangers to Friends

It Doesn't Come Free 1.2k, Complete, Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket, Teen and Up

It’s familiar. The swoop of adrenaline in your digestion sac before a kill, or when you’re in danger. And every time you’re in danger, it seems, she’s beside you. Your voice of reason, your foil, the reason you push harder. The logos to your pathos. This is different. There is no danger, and the adrenaline is an underlying chemical hum, sharpening your senses and stippling your skin.

Tags: POV Vriska Serket, First Kiss, POV Second Person, Crushes, Bathing/Washing, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Bickering, Pre-Sburb/Sgrub, Before the Revenge Cycle, Terezi Pyrope Isn't Blind, Best Friends, Very Loosely Implied Murder, Vriska's A+ Compartmentalizing Skills, Fluff, Hair Brushing, Roleplay

The Barkbeast Days are Over 1.8k, Complete, Terezi Pyrope & Vriska Serket, Teen and Up

Somewhere inside her is her blood pusher, forcing teal sludge through unfurling veins and arteries, into every single clotted mass of cells, into the tips of her prongs and her strutnuggets and that big, smug thinkpan of hers. In that moment, you hate her with such clarity that it steals your breath. You can almost see it: Terezi from the inside out. The very makeup of her smallest parts. The convergence of blood and the culmination of all the sacrifice you have mustered up over the sweeps, a deeper pitch than you could ever muster for Eridan’s prissiness or Kanaya’s nagging or Tavros, bless his poor, pathetic heart. Then she sits up carefully, rights her glasses, and hoists herself up using her cane. "I know you,"

Tags: Mentions of other characters - Freeform, Suicidal Ideation, Character Study, Regret, blackrom crush, Codependency, No Romance, mild whump, Hurt No Comfort, mentions of violence and murder, excessive use of metaphor, Tension, FLARP references, Canon-Typical Violence, Canon-Typical Behavior, POV Second Person

Don't Leave 2.1k, Completed, Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket, Explicit

She gave you your gifts – by folly of fate, she made you into the strongest version of yourself that can exist. The price is that you can’t exist without her.

Tags: background rose lalonde/kanaya maryam, Rose Lalonde (Mentioned), Dave Strider, (mentioned), Karkat Vantas (Mentioned), Gamzee Makara (mentioned), Post-Retcon Timeline (Homestuck), Meteorstuck, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Emetophobia, POV Terezi Pyrope, Character Study, POV Second Person, Cunnilingus, Light Bondage, Manipulation, Codependency, It's not as bad as all that I promise, Terezi is head over heels for Vriska, Dream Bubbles (Homestuck), And also normal dreams, Implied/Referenced Character Death, No Beta

Everything before these is old and should be considered discontinued!

Credit to @cafekitsune for the dividers

[gojosboybussy]

Whoops, totally forgot my friend requested a Dazai x gn reader so here you go

No warnings but it’s fluff but also enemies to lovers

You’ve always hated Dazai, you worked with him for years and there’s just something about him that annoys you. Like the fact that he flirts with every single girl that he finds which makes you cringe, the fact that he sometimes flirts with you also which makes you cringe, and the fact that he’s a little shit almost all the time. Like that one time he pulled a prank on you and put a toy that looks like a cockroach in your coffee so you would be terrified.

Imagine your surprise when you realize you managed to have maybe a teensy little crush on him.

“Fuck this can’t be good, he’s my coworker and what’s even worse is that he’s such a little shit!” You didn’t know what to do with these emotions, aren’t you supposed to hate him? Why are you all of a sudden not totally cringing when he flirts with you? Why do you feel a little bit of jealousy when he flirts with girls? I mean it’s not like you can just bottle up these emotions that’s not healthy. And what’s even worse is….does he even feel the same way?

Dazai’s POV: Dazai couldn’t really believe it, I mean he’s flirt with other people before since he’s a manwhore but having feelings for them? That’s a first. And never in a million years would he thought it would be y/n of all people, and here he is venting to chuuya who could care less about this situation.

“I don’t know chuuya there’s just something about them that makes me get butterflies do you get what I mean?” “…. Dude I genuinely don’t care” chuuya then grabs his wine bottle and leaves. Dazai doesn’t know what to do in this situation, I mean doesn’t y/n hate him? Or do they just act like they do?… you know what? He can’t fight this anymore love is love and it’s now or never, he’s going to confess to them later tonight!

Readers POV: after hours of debating whether or not they should confess or actually bottle up these feelings they have finally made their decision.

“You know what fuck it you only live once, I’ll confess later tonight and if he says no then oh well there’s plenty of fish in the sea and at least this would all be over!”

Later that night:

Dazai was about to walk to y/ns house with a rose in his hand, meanwhile y/ns about to walk to dazais house! As Dazai was thinking about what was gonna happen he accidentally bumped into someone.

“Sorry! I didnt see you th- wait Y/N?!” “DAZAI?! What the hell are you doing here?”

“Well I came to see you… I uhh have to tell you something”

“Me too… how about we both say it at the same time on a count of three?”

One….

Two….

Three.

“I LIKE YOU!” Surprisingly both of them said the same thing and confessed to eachother making them look redder than that rose Dazai was holding.

“You…. Like me?.. but I don’t get it I’m usually so mean to you even if I don’t mean it an-“ Dazai quickly cut off Y/n by kissing them passionately, the kiss felt like it lasted forever, it felt like some romance movie where in the end of the movie they finally kissed.

After they stopped Dazai quickly went back to teasing. “Wow you had a crush on me? That’s so embarrassing~”

“Oh my god shut up manwhore”

[doevademe]

How would you have written the story in way that would have been healthy and not traumatising for Nico to come out and accept his feelings and actually moving on from Percy?

Okay, I will leave my shipping googles behind and give you an actual literary analysis Re: Nico di Angelo and his coming out, as well as how I would have done it.

First of all, the problem with the scene is not so much Nico being forced to come out, but how it's portrayed. Cupid is shown as if he's owed Nico's confession because he's lying to himself, and the narrative portrays Nico wanting to not come out as a flaw, like he needed to be dragged out of the closet kicking and screaming or else he would never have done it.

Coming out is not something you owe anyone but yourself. It's something to do when you feel safe and ready to do so, and Nico, who is shown to not have many close friends, doesn't feel it's safe for him to come out, much less with a person who, unbeknownst to him, called him unloyal and voted to leave him to die. Yes, Jason was understanding and became Nico's friend, but it was a traumatic scene that is portrayed as necessary for Nico to grow. And that sucks.

If I had to keep the scene, I would have called out Cupid, not let him have the last word. Cupid wouldn't have "won" anything but the scorn of Nico and the person with him, and he would have retreated in shame. And yes, I said "person", Because the person with Nico would not have been Jason, but Hazel, someone who loves Nico, who can assure him that she doesn't think any less of him, that she still loves him. While I appreciate Jason and Nico's friendship, the fact that it only happens after Nico is forced to admit being gay is gross and comes across less as being about Nico, and more about how accepting and open-minded Jason actually is. Coming out is never about the other person, and Riordan turned it into a display of how much of a nice guy Jason is.

Now, how would I have done it if I could start this subplot from scratch? I would have given Nico POV chapters in House of Hades. His orientation would be hinted in the first chapter, before being revealed at the end of the second. That way, the audience knows Nico is gay without having to out him before he's ready for the sake of drama.

The scepter retrieval still happens, but featuring Favonius as an antagonist, not Cupid, and instead of having to admit his crush, he and Jason would become friends by working together against him. Keep Favonius's warnings against letting his anger and jealousy control Nico's love, but Jason doesn't need to know until Nico is ready, so he still assumes it's Annabeth they're talking about.

Finally, the first person Nico comes out to is Percy, before leaving with the Athena Parthenos. He takes Favonius's words to heart, and decides he trusts Percy enough to let him know. He rejects Nico, of course, because we're in canonland, but tells him he still wants to be his friend, and that's something that will never change.

Blood of Olympus would have him coming out to Hades, Reyna, Jason and Hazel at different points in the story, slowly growing more confident in himself, and understanding that the people who care about him, who actually love him, will accept him for who he is. This of course, will be closely related to getting over his hang-ups over being shunned as a Son of Hades.

Nico would end the story not "realizing" he feels nothing for Percy anymore, but starting the road to move on. He would see Percy and Annabeth happy about college, congratulate them, have a nice friendship moment with Percy, and not feel the usual pain in his chest, and he would understand, that it would get easier, and that he can move on, and eventually fall in love with someone who will reciprocate.

A hopeful ending that respects Nico's character, his sexuality, and the feelings he has held for nearly 8 books now (even if we only found out about them a book ago), while keeping things open for him and a future love interest.

[rootingfordorks]

okay, this fic I'm writing (The Year of the Crush) is from Ted's POV. buuuut, i love me some Trent and wanted to get into his head. so here's a little cutscene from Trent's perspective. It picks up exactly where chapter 2 ends.

...

Trent fell back against his pillows with an undignified humph. The bed still smelled like sex, he was still naked, and Ted was gone.

"So it's done" echoed in his head, Ted's last words warring with "goodbye, Trent Crimm." Each was worse than the last, hammering home the severity of his mistakes. Mostly getting himself into this situation in the first place.

First, planning to write a book about Richmond as a way to get closer to his crush. Even though at the time he believed Ted was straight, what had he thought would happen? That they would build a close friendship, and Trent's feelings would deepen, and he'd somehow convince Ted to be attracted to him? Trent wasn't the kind of guy who thought you could convince someone to stop being straight.

And then, when Ted told him about his own crush on Trent, he had acted on pure instinct. He was only human, after all - a gorgeous, funny, kind man returns his feelings and he shouldn't kiss the hell out of him?

But Ted thought he wasn't interested in a romantic relationship. Ted thought that it was just about sex for Trent. Again, Trent thought, I've fucked up.

He glanced at the time on his phone, then hit the first number in his favorite contacts list. She picked up on the third ring.

"Hey babe, what's up? Isn't it kind of late there?" Sandi's voice was a balm for his frazzled nerves.

"Just past midnight, yeah," Trent agreed. He paused, unable to figure out how to start this confession.

"That's pretty late for you, old man," she teased. He could hear the smile in her voice. "Is everything alright?"

"...no," he admitted quietly. Trent heard Sandi's soft, compassionate noise, and continued: "I mean, I'm still employed, I'm healthy, no one's dead."

"Thanks for clarifying," Sandi said. "Are you laying down? Your voice sounds weird."

"Yeah, I'm in bed." He paused, and this time Sandi stayed quiet, waiting him out. "You remember when I was telling you about Ted Lasso?"

"The straight football coach you've been crushing on? Sure."

"He's not straight," Trent said. "He came out by telling me he had a crush on me."

"Hey, congrats! That's good news, right?"

"Except for the fact that I can't date him while I'm writing this book."

"Fair point."

"And that I've been sleeping with him for the last month and a half."

"Oh."

"And he thinks it's just physical, for me. And I told him no one can know, but he wants to come out publicly and we would get caught once everyone knows he's bi and..."

"Take a breath, babe."

"Right. Sorry."

"So you're secretly sleeping with your crush, but he doesn't know you're into him?" Sandi clarified. He could picture her in her Philadelphia flat, sitting curled up on the sofa and twirling her long hair around one finger. He wished she were still only a train ride away.

"Well, I was. We... he ended things tonight, and he said... That's how I found out he thought - he thinks I'm only interested in him sexually."

"Oof," Sandi said. When Trent didn't say anything more, she asked: "What are you going to do?"

"Nothing," Trent replied. He sat up in bed and reached into his bedside table for a small notebook. "I mean, journal about it and mope a bit, probably. And then do what I should've done from the start and ignore my fucking inconvenient feelings."

"Trent."

"Let him think it's just physical," Trent continued, on a roll now. He ran a hand through his already-mussed hair. "It's not like I have anything to offer him. I will not let this book be overshadowed by a scandal. Why does it matter how I feel? There's nothing to be done about it anyway. I-"

"Trent, shut up," Sandi said firmly. He shut up. "I know you're hurting, and this is a difficult situation. But you know that your feelings matter." Trent rolled his eyes. "No, listen," she continued as though she'd heard the eye roll. "You know he likes you, and you like him, but you can't date yet."

"I don't know that he wants to date me," Trent interrupted. "He wasn't going to do anything about the crush when he told me, he just..." Trent trailed off. What had Ted wanted?

"It's a safe bet, babe," Sandi said. "That's what most people mean by having a crush. Anyway, my point was going to be that you should clear things up with him so he knows how you feel. Then, see what happens. So maybe you're waiting a while, that's better than giving up before you've given it a chance."

"I dunno, Sandi," Trent said. "He's going to start dating soon... He wants to be with someone now, not in six months. Or even longer, depending on when the book's actually done and it won't be a scandal."

Sandi paused, and Trent stewed in his thoughts. He wasn't sure when it would be okay to start dating the subject (one of the subjects) of a book he wrote. When the manuscript was done? When it was published? After he'd done publicity for the book?

"I maintain that you can't know that unless you ask him," Sandi finally said, tactfully. "But I understand not wanting to take that step. You know I'm here for you either way, babe. Call and text me as much as you need to."

They said their goodbyes and hung up. Trent didn't feel any better about the situation with Ted, but he thought maybe he'd be able to weather it. He could always turn to his friends for a listening ear.