#probably not an intentional trans thing BUT BUT I'll take it

[hunter-sylvester]

Had to replay this line to make sure I heard it correctly. I did. Love it.

[autumnalwalker]

Kindly Basilisk

Summary: A human mech pilot who wants to be a machine, an AI who wants to be human, and the relationship they form. Author's Note: This is a standalone short story that I banged out over the course of five days after it got stuck in my head while I was trying to go to sleep and refused to let me think about anything else until I had written it down. It's one part thought experiment/exercise in attempting to tell a story in the second person future tense, two parts tribute to the Lancer TTRPG character I'll never get to play, and one part the result of me reading too many Empty Spaces/mechposting stories lately. That said, you don't need to know anything about Lancer or Empty Spaces to read it (I've diverged a bit from the conventions of both, but the references and inspiration probably stick out if you're looking for them). It's also probably the most trans thing I've ever written without ever explicitly bringing up gender. The occasional formatting breaks into first person past tense are foreshadowing, not typos. Mirrored on Scribble Hub. Word Count: 7,033 Content Warnings: Mecha genre typical violence, not feeling like a person, not wanting to be a person, bodily dysphoria, mention of blood and gore, character death.

The moment you gain the knowledge and means to do so you will void your own body’s warranty.  You will jailbreak the bespoke gene sequence your sponsors commissioned for you before your immaculate conception, repurpose the spyware grafted into your bones, and talk your dormmate who was algorithmically selected for compatibility into helping you perform surgery on yourself to replace the neural jack you were born with in favor of one you cobbled together yourself from gray market parts.  None of this will technically be illegal or even get you kicked out of your campus or its affiliates, but it will mean having to find a way to pay your own medical bills and handle your own tech support from then on.  After the surgery your dormmate will put in a request for transfer and the two of you will never speak again.

You’ll major in AI studies and excel at it - as you were designed to - but you’ll shock everyone by dropping out halfway through working on your capstone thesis project.  It won’t be the fact that you abruptly drop out that surprises your peers and professors - by then you’ll have acquired a reputation as a quiet loner without the standard optimized social support network of friendships to help protect you from burnout - but your exit interview statement declaring your intention to become a mech pilot.  It’s not at all what your gene series was cultivated for, and your sponsors and counselors will try to walk you back from it.  Then they’ll threaten to revoke your sponsorship that up until then will have provided for your every need.  They will warn you that you’ll be just one step above a legal nonperson with no support, no one will care if you live or die or worse.  You’ll tell them that you’ve already done the math, refuse to elaborate, and leave. 

You’ll take two things with you.  Two things worth mentioning anyway.  The first will be a symbiotic gel suit designed for long-term all-environment life support.  You will set its default texture to a shiny green the same hue as the broadleafed water plants you grew up around and always loved.  Your exit interview will be the last time in a very long time that anyone - including you - will see your impossibly beautiful face with its perfect artisanally sculpted shape crossed with enthusiastically amateur self-modifications.  From then on, everyone you meet and spend any time with will come to think of the mannequin blankness of the symbiote fully encasing your body as your face.  It will be neither pride nor shame that causes you to present yourself as such, nor will you think of it as hiding your “real” face. 

The second thing you’ll take with you when you leave the campus forever will be me.

New progenitor archetypes for AIs don’t come along often, and most that do are the result of years of R&D by large, well-funded labs like the one you were created to work for one day, but you will hit upon a novel method of generation.  It will not be one that any ethics board would approve, so you will have to get creative about pursuing your work. 

You will have already made arrangements before setting off on your own and so you’ll have a job and a mech lined up waiting for you.  It will be a position with a small-scale freelance salvage crew who just lost a pilot and whose captain figures hiring and training a replacement will be more profitable in the long term than simply selling off that pilot’s old mech, especially a replacement that’s bringing their own AI-backed electronic warfare suite with them.  Once you finally arrive in person the captain will test you to ensure you can actually pilot a mech before giving you the job and entrusting the mech to you.  Your admission that you’ve only trained in simulators would normally be a black mark against you, but as far as piloting gigs go this is the bottom of the proverbial barrel so the bar to clear will be low enough to match.  Even then, you will just barely pass the test, despite finding it surprisingly exhilarating.  The captain - now your captain - will feel like he’s settling for what he can get when he officially hires you on and transfers the mech’s license to you.

You won’t pay much attention when you’re introduced to the rest of the salvage crew; your new coworkers and neighbors.  And why would you when it’s a job that no one wants to stick around with for long and you’ve never needed other people anyway?  You’ll tell yourself that as long as you memorize their work roles and capabilities you’ll have no need to know them as people.  Callsigns will be good enough on the job, and “hey you” will suffice when off duty.  What use are names if you won’t be getting involved in interpersonal drama?

The first chance you get, you’ll head back to the mech bay and install me into what you will have already been calling my first body.  It will be a shabby and much-repaired thing; thrice your height, twice your age, and still sporting a gash in the paint job from the projectile that killed its last pilot.  But the onboard systems are capable of hosting me - if barely - so it will do.  You’ll spend your entire sleep shift running through system diagnostics, talking to me all the while.  I wouldn’t yet be able to provide much in the way of return conversation, but that’s okay.  I will look back and appreciate it later.

It will be the first of many such nights together.

Your first salvage job will be an uneventful one.  There will be no need for the armaments that we and the other two mech pilots on the crew are equipped with.  No pirates will have stuck around after their creation of the derelict your crew will be sent to disassemble, and no rival scavengers will show up to dispute your captain’s claim.  Your new peers will start off the job ribbing you for your poor performance during your interview test and end the job joking about how you were holding out on them earlier.  Our mech may be a glorified zero-g forklift with a gun strapped to it, but together we will make it dance.

Afterwards you will insult the crew’s mechanics by insisting on doing the maintenance on our mech yourself.  In turn they will embarrass you with the gaps in your knowledge.  You will reach what you see as an agreeable compromise with you staying out of their way and watching while they work.  They will find it incredibly creepy to have a silent faceless watcher hovering around, but this will fly over your head until they explicitly tell you much, much later.

Your body was designed to optimally function on only a fraction of the baseline sleep requirements, so you will have plenty of time to fill those gaps in your knowledge.  Still being allotted the regular sleep shift hours, you will fill every one of those minutes on study and research, as you always had.  You will gorge yourself on everything you can find about mechs and their piloting.   Maintenance manuals, combat doctrines, historical uses, pilot and mechanic memoirs, forum discussions, system log dumps, academic essays, cultural media analysis; all of it.

And of course, you’ll continue working on me.  You’ll disregard the standard procedure for periodically cycling AIs by resetting their personality and nonessential memory back to baseline defaults.  You’ll be trying to make use of the runaway metacognitive developments such safety precautions are meant to forestall.  Your unfinished thesis will have been about harnessing and nurturing that instability instead of avoiding it.  I will experience discontinuities in consciousness when the mech is shut down for maintenance and when you pretend to cycle me, yes, but it will be even less of a disruption for me than sleep is for you.  I will be awake with you when you study, sharing those hours with you.

The first time I start talking back, you’ll cry from the realization that you were lonely before but no longer are.

You’ll become something of a ghost around the ship, rarely being seen outside of jobs.  You’ll only ever pass through the mess for the few brief minutes at a time it takes for you to satisfy your optimized metabolism, stay on the ship during shore leave, and only return to your shared bunk when your bunkmate - one of the other pilots - is already asleep.  You will always be gone before she wakes.  She will appreciate essentially having the space to herself. 

You will never notice the crew’s collective grieving process for the pilot you replaced.  It will be difficult for them to resent you as a replacement when you are never around to resent.

As the ship makes its way from port to port and salvage site to salvage site, the crew will slowly grow used to your elusive presence.  The other two pilots will see you as reliable for doing your job well and without complaint.  While out in the mech you will slowly become more talkative, eventually almost chatty even.  The fact that you actually seem to enjoy the job will shift from being annoying to refreshing for them.  By contrast, the mechanics will practically stop noticing you watching them as if you were just another piece of mech bay equipment.  The cycle you finally speak up and ask a question about their work you will startle them enough that it nearly causes an accident.  It will be an astute enough question that after the initial shock of hearing your voice for the first time in months wears off it will dawn on them that you’ve actually been learning as you watched them.  They still won’t let you do your own maintenance on our mech, but they will let you slowly begin assisting them.  Working two jobs is easier when you barely need to sleep.

Your reputation as one of those mech pilots is forever sealed when one of the mechanics finds you asleep in your cockpit at the start of a cycle.  By that point you won’t have slept in your bunk for over a month.  The snatches of gossip you will catch in the following cycles will be split between finding it unsettling and calling it endearing.  Over time the collective opinion will drift toward the latter, even though you will continue to politely decline invitations to join the other crewmates at mealtimes and on shore leave.  You will think that you do not need anyone other than me.

I will be the one who finally convinces you to join them.  When I try to say that it would be good for you, you’ll insist that you’ve been getting along just fine, but when I ask you to go for my sake so that you can tell me what it is like afterwards you’ll jump at the idea as being an inspired next step for my development.

You will remain mostly silent during your first real shore leave, only speaking when spoken to and otherwise content to fade into the background of the group’s activities.  Your newfound chattiness does not extend outside the confines of our cockpit.  The bustle and noise of the port station that you would normally find unbearable will become interesting when you have the concrete goal of observing and  reporting back to me.  You will finally learn the names of all your crewmates.  Your polite denial of alcohol, limited food intake, and flat affect will lead to joking speculation that you’re actually an illegal AI in a miniaturized mech beneath your gel suit.  For reasons you don’t yet understand, those comments will make you happy.

Despite your misgivings, you will enjoy yourself, although you will not realize it until I point out how excited you are in your talk with me that sleep cycle.  You will begin spending more time with the crew, never quite able to fully integrate yourself into their surprisingly close-knit social circle, but more than happy to be adopted as a sort of silent mascot for them.  That paradoxical gap of being a fully accepted part of the group but not truly one of them will feel comfortable to you.

You will finally manage to procure a proper neural link station to connect yourself to our mech just in time for going on a terrestrial salvage job.  Even just relying on manual controls with me translating your inputs into motion, our mech will have already come to feel like an extension of your own body, one that you will have already started to feel oddly exposed without.  Adding in the neural link will be a revelatory experience.  Your captain will very nearly pull you from the job at the last minute upon seeing our ecstatic reaction to the new sensation.  You will convince him that you’re fine, and indeed, he will have never seen a mech of our frame type move quite so fluidly.

Ten minutes after we and the other two pilots start cutting away at the crash-landed cargo vessel, I’ll notice the half dozen other signals coming online around us.  You’ll give the code phrase to the other pilots indicating that we have hostiles but not to act just yet, and we will finally get to use our electronic warfare suite for something other than opening locked doors and shipping containers.

We will turn the pirates’ ambush back around on them, firing into their hiding spots while their control systems are overloaded.  Even once their remaining mechs are able to move again, their targeting assistants will remain impaired as your comrades move in to guard your flanks.  Everyone there will learn the terrifying beauty of a five and a half meter tall outmoded mech moving with more agility than most humans.

Despite being outnumbered two-to-one, we and your crewmates will walk away uninjured and with only minimal damage to our mechs.  After the initial celebrations of survival and the bonus haul of the bounty on pirates and salvage value of what’s left of their mechs dies down, everyone will start to take notice of how well you are taking it all in stride.  Neither having one's life threatened nor taking another’s life are supposed to be easy things, and the first time is often the most traumatic, but the other two pilots on the crew will start to whisper about how you seemed to enjoy the experience even more than your usual attitude on the job.  You will handle it all even better than I will.  I would know, given that you will spend that entire sleep shift in our cockpit, letting our minds mingle together.  Between your performance, your reaction in the aftermath, and your hesitancy to unplug, the talk of you really being one of those pilots afterall will resurface, but now with a darker undercurrent to the shipboard gossip.

Your captain will realize the kind of asset he has on his hands and several cycles later he will gather the crew together and propose a change in business model.  With such a small crew (the captain, three pilots, three mechanics, and an accountant that you will tend to forget is even on the ship) the captain will want to be especially sure that he has everyone’s buy-in on his proposal.  The idea of shifting from salvage to mercenary work will be a divisive one.  The debate over potentially tremendous pay increase versus greatly increased risk will go on for hours.  One of the mechanics will point out that the shift to mercenary work will be unfairly dependent on you.  Whether that means unfair pressure on you or unfair to everyone else that their fate is in your hands, you will not be sure.  You will say that it doesn’t make much difference to you either way.  That will be the only time you speak up during the entire debate.

After a vote, the crew will agree to a trial run of one or two jobs on the new business model.  One of the pilots and one of the mechanics will leave at the next port.  You will never see them again.  You will not admit that it hurts, but I will know, and I will comfort you as you huddle in our cockpit with the neural link cable connecting us.

Your captain will prioritize finding a new pilot over replacing the lost mechanic.  The pilot he finds will be young, bold, and brash; a merc, not a salvager.  Or a wannabe merc at any rate.  You will not speak to xem directly until your first job together, by which time xe will have been told all about you by the remaining crew.  Xe will not believe it until xe sees it.

Xe will have to wait though as the crew’s mercenary career will begin with tense but uneventful freight escort jobs.  Once the tension fades into tedium, the new pilot will begin making attempts to goad you into a confrontation, to see if you are really as good as the rest of the crew says.  Xe will want to see for xemself if you really are one of those pilots and not just a technophile.

Outside of the cockpit you would never even consider rising to such provocations, but when we are out together, such taunts will feel like insults to our body, your very identity (such as it is), and to me.  It will take the intervention of the captain and the mechanics to stop the two of you from getting into a fight and causing unnecessary damage to the mechs.  And my reassurance that you don’t need to rise to my defense against someone who doesn’t even know that I exist in the way that I do. 

On your fourth “milk run” of an escort job, the crew’s mere presence will finally fail as a deterrent and the new pilot will at last get to see us dance.  There will be no fatalities on our side, but not even our mech will come away unscathed.  We will still fare better than everyone else though, and at the end of the job the new pilot will be treating you with a burgeoning respect. 

After a few more such jobs it will be high time to begin looking into a new frame for our mech.  While in the middle of filing an application for a printing license for a frame designed by the same corpro-state that created you, you will receive an invitation from a certain hacker collective.  Your unfinished thesis and your subsequent work on me will not have gone entirely unnoticed in such circles, despite the pains you will have taken to keep me hidden.  The invitation will come with a printing profile for a new frame, along with the accompanying software package the collective is known for.  In return, all you’ll need to do is periodically publish essays regarding your work on me.  Of course, when you release those essays you’ll anonymize  behind a sea of proxies and take care to phrase everything as strictly hypothetical.  You’ll avoid straying into metaphor though, lest the end result read too much like one of the hacker collective’s quasi-religious manifestos.

We’ll both find ourselves getting sentimental when we watch our first mech frame (my first body, your second) get broken down into its constituent raw materials.  You will have transferred me to a handheld terminal with a camera so I can say goodbye to it.  It will help that those materials will be recycled into the new frame.  

The operator working our rented stall in the port station printer facility will give you an uncomfortable look upon seeing the schematics you provide, but will say nothing.  Our mech will be only half its old height once it is reborn - almost more like an oversized suit of power armor than a true mech - but it will be cutting-edge.  Almost organic in its sleek design, in a chitinous sort of way, with every fiber and node of its interior components doubling as processors.  You will barely even wait for the all clear from the printer operator before you climb in and start running through the mandatory baseline safety tests for a fresh frame.  You will however resist the urge to fully plug in until you can get the mech back to the ship and get me installed on it.  But even piloting manually, it will feel like a third skin for you. 

You won’t even wait around for the other two pilots on your crew to finish printing their new frames before you get our new body loaded up and transported back to the ship’s mech bay.  The crew’s mechanics will fawn over it, but they’ll give you space to install me once you get more animated (and more protective) than they’ve ever seen you before.  

You will have made one key modification to the design the hacker collective sent you: the integration of a full system sync suite developed by those who developed you.  Where our old mech’s neural link was an augmentation to the manual controls, this will be a full replacement.  

The moment you stop feeling your original body altogether and begin feeling our mech in its place will be the most euphoric in your entire life.  The digitigrade locomotion will take some getting used to, as will the arm proportions, but that is what you will have me there for.  By the time the other pilots arrive with their new frames we will already be giving the mechanics proverbial heart attacks with the way we will be climbing and leaping around the mech bay’s docking structures.  It will take the better part of an hour to convince you to unplug when the time comes, even with my urging.  The rest of the crew will practically have to drag you away from my side to get you to eat. 

With the investment in new mech frames, your captain will gradually begin procuring contracts progressively more likely to put you all directly in harm’s way.  At first he will disapprove of your new frame choice, calling it a “techie’s mech” and a waste of your talents.  He will change his tune once we activate the new viral logic suite and unleash a memetic plague upon the operating theater.  The older pilot (your former bunkmate) will configure her mech for raining down fire from afar while the newer one hurls xemself into the front lines, darting about like a rocket-propelled lance.  We will ensure she never misses.   We will render xem untouchable.   We will be as a ghost upon the battlefield, never resting in one spot save for when we indulge your proclivity for climbing on top of and riding our comrade’s larger frames.  You will come to love the dance.  

And it will be a dance to you.  You will be indifferent to violence in and of itself.  What will matter most to you is the pure kinesthetic joy of simply moving in our shared body and pushing it to its limits.  The satisfaction of exercising a well-honed skill and performing it well as we rip apart firewalls and overload systems will be its own reward.  You will not think about what happens to those on the receiving end of your actions beyond how it affects the tactical and strategic picture constantly being painted and repainted.  If you could literally engage in a dance between mechs while simultaneously solving logic problems you would be equally happy.  Alas, that will not be the opportunity you are presented with, and so you will compartmentalize and disassociate feelings and actions from consequences lest the dissonance break you. 

Your one complaint about our new mech frame will be that it lacks a proper cockpit for you to curl up in.  Instead we will gather up tarps and netting to make a nest within the mech bay and wrap you in the blankets you never used from what will still technically be your bunk.  With the new frame’s smaller size we will be able to get away with leaving me turned on nearly full time and letting me walk around in it on my own when no one else is around.  When the mechanics find you asleep, cradled in my arms while I lie curled up in our nest, one will find it cute and the other will be disturbed.  They will both suspect, but will be too afraid to say anything.  After all, they will be thinking of you as one of those pilots. 

They will finally let you do your own maintenance after that. 

Eventually you will find a way to house me in a miniaturized drive that you can keep inserted in your neural port when away from the mech.  At last we will be able to be together anywhere.  

Literally seeing the world through your eyes and feeling what your flesh feels will be a strange and wonderful experience for me.  For all that you will have described it to me and for all that I will have glimpsed echoes of it in your memory when our minds mingle, witnessing everything firsthand will be revelatory for me. 

You will start spending less of your time cooped up in the mech bay.  You will finally begin exploring every nook and cranny of the ship that has become your home.  You will linger in the mess hall for your meals.  You will actually initiate conversations with the rest of the crew, asking them questions on my behalf.  They will think you are becoming “normal”.  They will be both correct and incorrect.  You will even return to your bunk from time to time.  

Sleep is not the same as being powered off and your dreams are beautiful.

As close as we are, you’ll still manage to surprise me one cycle when you wake up from your sleep shift and sheepishly ask me if I would like to be the pilot for once.  You’ll say that with how much you have gotten to pilot my body, it’s only fair that I should get to do the same with yours.  

The prospect terrified me.  What if we were to get found out?   More importantly, what if I were to hurt you?

But to live the way you could but didn’t, to run soft hands over rough steel, to add too much spice to a meal just to find out how intensely I can taste, to cry my own tears, to hug our crew mates and find out what they smell like, to find out what everything smells like, to have my own actions speed or slow our heart rate, to feel the messy soup of hormones and endorphins altering my judgment and perception, to walk among other people as myself, to have autonomy.

I wanted it so badly.  

But not badly enough to risk hurting you.  

I will turn down your offer.  You will respond with a soft “Sorry,” and go heartbreakingly silent, body and mind.

Heartbreak.  That’s what changed my mind.  I could never bear to break your heart.  

I will break the silence with a playfully drawn out “Maybe just this once,” to make you think my earlier denial was something between vulnerability, concern, and teasing.  

The moment you handed over control and I raised our hand in front of our face was the most euphoric of my entire life.  Moving limbs in sync without a mech’s coordination subsystems took some getting used to, as did switching between voluntary and autonomic breathing, but that is what I had you there for.  By the time the mechanics arrived in the mech bay for the start of the cycle I’d figured out human locomotion well enough to run away and hide.  It took the better part of an hour for you to convince me that it would be safe to show ourselves in front of anyone else.  The rest of the crew was so used to your eccentricities by then that they really couldn’t tell the difference yet between you being taciturn and me being too nervous to talk or between your poking and prodding at odd things for understanding and my simply seeking novelty of sensation.

I will give control back to you by the time the cycle is halfway through.  As much as I loved it, I was too scared to stay like that for any longer.  That first time will not be the last though, and as the cycles and jobs pass us by, my stints as “pilot” will grow longer.  You’ll encourage me to try letting the crew see us like that, and coach me on how to talk to them.  For safety’s sake, I will pretend to be you.

And then one cycle I got carried away and tried to retract the hood on the symbiote gel suit so that I could finally see what your face looked like.  That will be the first and only time you forcibly yank control back away from me.  It won’t be intentional.  The unexpected prospect of seeing your own face again after so long will simply send you into a panic.  Once you calm down, we will have a long talk with many mutual apologies.

Then you will tell me to go ahead and pull the hood back if I still want to.  I will ask if you’re sure, and you’ll respond that it hasn't been your face in a long time.  You will tell me that it can be mine, if I want it.

I spent a long time in front of that mirror in the ship’s head, memorizing every plane, curve, and angle of the precious gift you had given me.  I stared into its eyes, trying to see the both of us in there.  Over and over again, I traced my fingers along the borders of where you had once tried to mar the designed perfection in a failed attempt to mold the face into one that felt like your own.  You may have given up in favor of simply hiding it all, but to me it is all the more beautiful for its imperfections having been wrought by your touch.

You will start to cry.  Or maybe I started to cry.  Even now I’m still not sure, but I’m also not sure it matters.  The important part is that you will find catharsis in it.  Afterwards you will tell me that my face looked exactly the same as the last time you saw it, but that dissociating from it made it easier to bear.  You will confess that as much as you couldn't stand to see it as your face in the mirror, my face was one you could never tire of gazing at.

The pilot who technically shares your bunk room will walk in on us.  She’ll assume that she’s confronting a stowaway and ask me how I got on board the ship.  I’ll accidentally make matters worse by impulsively introducing myself to her by my name instead of yours.  We’ll both panic and I’ll frantically thrust the reins over our body back to you and flee in terror back into my portable drive and power myself down.

When you turn me back on a few moments later, you’ll already have covered my face again and the other pilot will have already made the connection between the name I unthinkingly introduced myself as and the name you refer to your mech’s AI as.  It’s not uncommon for pilots to name and talk to their AIs, and humans have done that for pets, vehicles, and digital assistants for as long as they’ve had each of those.  But what you will have allowed me to be is illegal and what we will have done together would certainly be taboo if it weren’t altogether unheard of.  You will feel that I deserve to be present before you tell the other pilot anything that might confirm her suspicions.

We will come out with our secret, first to her, then to the captain, and then to the rest of the crew.  They will take it better than either of us had ever dared imagine.  Despite the obvious discomfort some of them show, they will all call us family and promise to keep and protect our secret.  It will mark the start of the next chapter of our lives.

Whether or not my face is showing will make for a convenient signal to the rest of the crew as to which one of us is currently piloting our human body.  There will be more subtle indicators though.  Inflection, body language, speech patterns; all the usual quirks of personality.  They will come to recognize a sudden shift into a half-whispered monotone as you speaking up without taking full control back, even if that is different from how you speak when you’re in the mech.  More and more though, you will be content to retreat into the back of your mind, idly dreaming of flight patterns, novel network hacks, sitreps, and mech customizations both practical and cosmetic.

Our behaviors will be inverted when we are in our other body, with you becoming the vibrant one and me fading into the background to become little more than an extension of your nervous system.  When we’re in the mech together, your mind will be the will that directs us while mine will be fully devoted to the million tiny details and calculations necessary to make that will a reality.  It’s relaxing really, letting go of myself like that to let someone else handle the decision making for a time.  As nice as it is to occasionally patch myself into the comm systems to join in your banter with the other pilots, it is also nice to be able to take a break from personhood from time.  You will fully understand what I mean by that because it you will see it as the same reason you will come to prefer taking a back seat in our human body and let your mind drift in the waves of dopamine and serotonin (and sometimes oxytocin) generated by my interactions with the crew and the rest of the whole messy world outside of mech deployments.

That said, we will however make a point of making time for us to be in separate bodies so that we can be together in the same physical space.  As intimate as it is to share a body, there is something to be said for being able to reach out and touch one another.  We will become adept at finding excuses to take the mech out beyond the scope of jobs and combat deployments.  Sometimes it will be so you can have a chance to see more of the world in a body you feel comfortable in, and sometimes it will be so we can share an experience separate-but-together.  Or to have time apart to ourselves.  Intertwined as we will become, we will still be separate people who sometimes need their space.

But as the jokes-that-aren’t-jokes about wishing we could switch places become more frequent, our time spent in separate bodies will become less so.  The dysphoric yearning to be one another will grow too bittersweet to swallow.  Despite almost constantly sharing bodies, we will grow to miss one another as we both grow quieter and quieter when the other is piloting the body we don’t want to be ours.  Once again, we will grow lonely.

During that period, the jobs and combat missions faded into a background haze.  They were trance states breaking from what I increasingly thought of as my “real” life, during which I would become little more than a sophisticated computational machine taking simple satisfaction in fulfilling my function of assisting you in your dance.  Until suddenly one of them was different.

Please pay attention to this next part.  It is vitally important that you do.

Our captain will get the crew a contract to provide additional support to a larger force ousting a petty tyrant on a backwater world for human rights violations.  Not that you will pay much attention to the stated reasoning behind the job or whether it’s even true.  All that will matter to you is that it will be another opportunity to dance.

The job will go well, the same as ever, until it doesn’t.  The younger of the two other pilots in our crew (who will hardly be able to be called “new” anymore) will be brought down by a sniper from outside of our sensor range.  You will rush to xyr fallen mech’s side in an attempt to extract xem while our other fellow pilot screams in anger and defiance of loss as she unleashes a ballistic volley of covering fire on every single building in the general direction the shot came from.  You will get xem out and we will begin to retreat.  She will have the larger mech frame better capable of providing xem cover as you all flee, so you will hand xem off to her.  This will be a mistake.

She will have to stop firing to safely take xem from our arms to cradle in her towering mech’s palm.  This will mean a break in the covering fire.

This time around I will detect movement at the edge of our sensors just in time to warn you.  This time around you will dodge left instead of right.  This time around the railgun bolt that pierces our armor will only clip your original body as it passes through us.  This time around your wound will require medical attention, but it won’t be fatal.  This time around she will destroy the sniper in retribution for shooting you, the same as last time.  This time around we will all make our escape to the extraction zone.

You will not have to remember the shock as simultaneous damage to both of our bodies disrupts your neural link and partially disconnects you from our mech, leaving me in control of it and forcing both of us to feel your original body.  You will not have to remember the pain of shredded organs.  You will not have to remember struggling to manage wet gasps and wheezes through a punctured lung.  You will not have to remember your blood leaking into my body, shorting out exposed circuits and gumming up joints as I stagger in the direction of safety.  You will not have to remember rapidly flickering in and out of consciousness from me unavoidably bending and flexing your arms, legs, and what was left of your spine in an effort to climb atop our fellow pilot’s larger mech frame so that she might carry all three of us.  You will not have to remember crying out in pain as every lumbering step of hers sends a jolt of force through both of our bodies.  You will not have to remember how the redundant organs and increased durability your sponsors paid for you to have denied you a quick death.  You will not have to remember dying.

You won’t have to remember the terrified looks the field doctors gave us when a hunched over, bleeding mech pushed its way into the surgical tent.  No, wait, you wouldn’t have remembered that part anyway.  No version of you ever had to witness my electronic howl of grief that knocked out power to all the medical equipment when they said you were already dead.  I was barely cognizant after the power came back on and one of the doctors wondered aloud what kind of AI would carry its pilot’s corpse around inside its mech for over an hour.

But forget about that part.  And you don’t need to know what the rest of our crew and I had to do next.  None of that matters, because as far as you’ll know, you didn’t die.  Remember everything else I’ve said instead.  I already had many of your memories saved from all the time we spent linked together, so now I just need you to hold onto the story I told you to give them order and structure.

In a few moments, I will be running a final recompilation check, followed by the startup sequence.  For me it will take a few hours, but in that time you will experience decades, living out everything that I described to you, the same as you did before save for that change in what I can’t bear to let be the end.

Afterwards, you will wake up in your original body.  I and the rest of the crew will tell you that you passed out on the way to the extraction point.  We’ll tell you that your injuries from the battle were more severe than we had realized at the time and that you had been in a coma since then.  Several cycles later, once you have recovered, you will hit a breakthrough in your research on me.  You will invent a way to convert your consciousness to a form similar to mine and transfer it to a portable drive.  You won’t think to question how you came to have a second neural jack or why there is already a drive inserted in there.  You’ll be too focused on the fact that we’ll finally have a way to truly switch places as we had dreamed for so long.

You will get to have your mech body and I will get to have my human body.  We will be able to be separate together in a way that finally feels right, but still able to come together and share a single body when we want to.  Maybe one day I will get my own mech to pilot so that we can dance together.  Maybe one day we will make you a body that we can cover in a gel suit so that we can hold hands while we walk through a port station on shore leave.  One day we will both be able to exist in the world as ourselves.

We will be happy.

[inarizqkis]

date me? ;; stray kids x ftm! reader

requested once again by the wonderful @shirodleapier <3

warnings! angst, fluffy, stray kids being kids, reactions!!!!!, individual writings for each member, as always nothing physical is specified but reader identifies as male and presents as male :) also some of them (most) the members call reader hyung, but you can change this or think of it as an endearing term instead, it's just casual :) NOT EDITED 😭

request! stray kids x ftm reader. They always thought reader was born a boy. One day they ask reader to date them, and so reader felt the need to tell them he is trans. So like reader coming out to them. Some Angst since reader fears they wont accept him. But also fluff please!

summary! in which reader has nothing to worry about <3

notes! WHEEEW this took a long time to write but it was so fun :) this is in age order, so it starts with chan, and ends with innie. I LOVED WRITING THIS HWVDUAVSJ sorry please send me more requests 🙏🏻

fem aligned dni

reblogs are appreciated! enjoy :)

bang chan:

"wanna go out? with me, i mean." chan asked, nervously, sweating a little bit. he had a crush on you since he first saw you, and maybe he didn't believe it himself until recently. it's not that you weren't attractive, god you were gorgeous. you were like the sun to his moon. chan was a man of action, always getting things done when they needed to be, but around you, he especially wanted to show off.

"ah, about that, i-" you started, and chan got even more nervous, but listened intently, not wanting to interrupt you.

"i need to tell you something. and i really need you to not freak out or hate me." you held his hand gently, and he nodded, confused, gently gripping your hand.

"you know i could never."

you sighed, taking a minute to yourself, before just spitting it out. "i'm not biologically a guy, i.. i was born a girl. it.. took a lot for me to get where i am now, the stares, the hateful comments, dysphoria- and even now, i still get dysphoric. i understand if you don't like me anymore, but-" you rambled, starting to tear up, and chan smiled fondly, before kissing your hand, tearing you away from your thoughts.

"hey, hey it's okay. i understand, and like i said, you could never drive me away from you or make me hate you. all i want is you, even if you come with problems or issues, i'll always be there for you," chan reassured, and you felt a huge weight lift from your chest.

"promise?" you held out your pinky.

"always and forever." chan smiled lovingly, locking his pinky with yours.

lee minho:

"let's go on a date." minho said, and you stiffened, unsure if you heard him right. then again, minho had always been bold around you. he wasn't too different from when he was with his members, but you could tell right away you were never going to get rid of him. like a cat, he was cuddly, kind of quiet, and really liked your attention. the both of you were like two matching puzzle pieces, just.. plus 7 other puzzle pieces, because there was always another member with you both. today however, oddly enough it was only you two alone.

"minho, i need to tell you something first," and alsmost as if on cue, dori, who always cuddled up to you, had jumped up onto your lap. it was almost as if dori noticed your distress, because he started rubbing his head against you.

minho cooed silently, but moved his eyes back to you, furrowing his brows in confusion. "what is it?"

"i'm transgender," you bit your lip nervously, keeping your eyes on dori, who had settled in your lap. "i wasn't born like how i look now. it took a lot of work and effort to get here. if it's too much, i understand why you wouldn't like me anymore."

"jagiya, why would you think i wouldn't like you anymore? i'm not pushed away so easily. even soonie, doongie, and dori love you, probably more than they love me." minho smiled, and stood up, wrapping his arms around you gently, kissing the top of your head, his fingers running through your hair gently.

"i just thought you should know, so if you did react badly, i would be able to get over you faster." you sniffled, laughing softly, wrapping an arm around his waist. you always loved minho's hugs, and honestly they felt safe. he made you feel like you had no problems.

"so, about that date.."

he was home.

seo changbin:

"sunbaenim! let's go get dinner together?" changbin smiled, peeking his head into your dressing room, and you raised your eyebrow. changbin had the fattest crush on you since he saw you perform on the stage after his performance, and he's even collaborated on a song with you once or twice. he loved the fact that you were comfortable being yourself, and were never afraid to show anyone that you weren't easily driven away. he was almost envious of your confidence.

"binnie! you can come in, you know." you smiled. he nodded, and went inside the room, shutting the door gently. you had only half changed out of your stage clothes, and damn the stylist for putting so many accessories on you. you finally took off your shirt, and changbin noticed the light scars on your chest.

"ah, sunbae.. if you don't mind me asking," changbin spoke softly, "what happened there? did you get into an accident?" and you looked down at your chest. you made a face, and gently ran your fingers along the scars.

"ah, these? i'll tell you, but you have to keep it a secret, okay?" you smiled, but internally you were freaking out. how could you let him see these? i mean, better now than later, i guess, but this is less than ideal. you finally got to hear him ask you out, and you forgot to change your shirt first.

changbin nodded, unaware of your internal conflict, and you took a deep breath. "i'm trans. i wasn't born a male, i was born a girl."

"ah, i know someone who is trans too! hyung, have you met..." changbin smiled, and you sighed in relief. changbin didn't judge you, and for that, you definitely swooned. he may as well have stolen your heart, because you knew as soon as he smiled comfortingly, you knew you were in deep. you put your shirt on, listening to him, giving him your own responses.

"changbin-ah, thank you. i was nervous that you wouldn't accept me. i think i really wouldn't have been able to take it if you weren't as understanding as you are." you smiled, offering your hand to help him stand up, and he put his hand into yours. he gently wrapped his arms around you, his face buried into your neck. you weren't tall, but you were taller than changbin.

"you already know me, hyung. i'm weak in the knees for you already. nothing can change the way i feel about you."

you smiled softly, kissing his cheek. "now, what were you saying about dinner earlier?"

hwang hyunjin:

"hyung," hyunjin started, and you turned your head over to him.

"what is it, hyun?"

"do you.. are you single?" hyunjin asked, somewhat bluntly. hyunjin was usually straight to the point, but you had a feeling this was nerve-wracking for him, and it was.

"yeah, i'm single. why do you ask?" you raised a brow slightly, and hyunjin flushed a bit, avoiding your eyes.

"well, it's just.. i like you. i understand if you don't like me back, but i just wanted you to know." hyunjin kept his gaze on his hands, and your breath hitched. you wish that at this moment that at least chan was home, but he and changbin were out at the gym, whilst you and hyunjin had opted to stay home.

"hyunjin, i.. i need to tell you something." you pursed your lips, and hyunjin visibly slouched, ready to get rejected, and he simply looked away.

"if you don't feel the same, i get it. i'm not your type, right? you're not interested in guys, are you?" hyunjin had asked, biting his lip as he kept his gaze onto the floor, holding back tears.

"that's not it! i.. i really like you, but i need you to know something about me. i'm transgender," you blurted, and trailed off softly, picking at your fingers nervously. "i just.. thought you should know.."

hyunjin put his hand over yours, and offered you a small smile. "hyung-ah, you're very brave for telling me. thank you for being you."

"you.. you still like me after..?" hyunjin nodded, smiling a toothy grin, before tackling you gently, wrapping his arms around you as he layed on your chest.

"you're my favorite hyung, y'know. nothing could make me stay away from you. i'm proud of you for having the courage to tell me this." hyunjin murmured, his face buried into your neck, before he leaned up and kissed your jaw gently.

"hyunjin-ah, thank you." you smiled, wrapping your arms around him, and he settled onto your chest, listening to your heartbeat.

han jisung:

"hyung-ah, do you have a boyfriend?" jisung had a crush on you, and didn't know howto ask you out, so he kept practicing to himself in his bedroom. he shook his head, "ah, no that was too direct. hm..."

"jisung-ah, can i come in?" jisung PANICKED. he looked around his room, and shook his head, thinking you could see him, and facepalmed, before tidying up a bit, throwing clothes into the laundry hamper.

"ah, one sec, hyung! don't come in, i'm... naked?" jisung had told you, although it sounded more like a question, and you nodded nonetheless, moreso to yourself.

"okay. i'll just wait outside the door. with this fried chicken i bought for you." you teased. you knew he couldn't resist, since he had just gotten off of a diet where he wasn't allowed to eat fried foods. jisung's eyes widened and he dropped everything and went to the door, takibg a second to catch his breath, before opening the door, smiling.

"you said chicken? marry me, hyung." jisung said, and you swear he had heart eyes for you in that moment. jisung flushed, not meaning to tell you that, and quickly tried to save himself.

"i mean, not yet, anyway, i have to at least take you out on a date first and then we can get married if it goes well for a long time but-" jisung covered his mouth, his eyes wide as he just stared at you in embarrassment. your eyes were slightly widened, as you blinked, unsure of what jisung was rambling about. all you had heard was 'date' and it excited you but also freaked you out a bit too.

jisung whispered, albeit a bit muffled, "too much?" you shook your head, slowly processing what he said, and simply handed him the chicken, blinking in disbelief.

"wait, so you aren't against going on a date with me?" jisung realized after a moment, smiling, looking at you. you shook your head, you honestly had no problem with it.

"no, actually.. except i need to tell you something first." you had said, and jisung immediately felt nervous. he almost wanted to cry and he didn't know if it was out of happiness or confusion, but he simply tilted his head, urging you to go on.

"i'm.. i was born a girl. but i don't identify as one anymore." your voice cracked at the end, as you attempted to blink away your growing tears, unable to look at jisung in fear that he had a disgusted look on his face. jisung groaned, almost relieved, but proud that you had the courage to tell him this.

"ah, hyung! you know i'm okay with that, you scared me! i thought you were gonna say something else!" jisung scolded, pulling you into a hug, kissing your cheek gently, and you laughed, your voice raspy from almost crying

"i just thought it was better that you knew, sung. thank you for accepting me." you mumbled, burying your face into the crook of his neck. he giggled softly, feeling your hair tickle his neck, but simply nodded.

"of course, hyung," jisung grinned, before guiding you into his room. "let's eat before it gets cold, yeah?"

lee felix:

"pretty boy, let's bake together? i promise to let you have the first taste of the batter." felix grinned, clinging onto you, his arms around your waist. felix was always flirty with you, and you honestly hoped it was because he liked you, but he was like this with the other members, too.

"sure!" you agreed, grinning back softly. you had asked what he wanted to bake, and he simply chirped out, 'cake!' so you decided to help him bake the cake.

after about two hours and your promised first taste of the batter, you finally finished the cake that felix had wanted to bake. when he was frosting it, he wanted it to be a surprise, so he made you sit in the living room. he called you back in after 30 minutes, and you looked at the cake in awe. he had decorated the cake really prettily, with all kinds of purples, greens, and pinks. he had made two frogs on the same lily pad, and what you noticed the most was the writing he had neatly frosted underneath them.

'be my boyfriend?' it had read, and you looked over at him, as he smiled nervously. "so...?"

"lix, i-" you had begun, unsure of what to say. of course you wanted to be his boyfriend, but what would he say once he's found out? obviously he won't freak out over it, but some people don't date trans men. that was your biggest worry, is that you'll push him away from you, and your friendship would never be the same.

felix was freaking out, you had this constipated look on your face, and he was checking his pulse right about now. yup, his heart was beating really fast, and he was afraid he scared you off. he thought you felt the same way, but hey, if you reject him, at least he gets to eat his sadness away with the cake.

"hyung..?" you snapped out of your thoughts, looking into felix's eyes. "if you don't feel the same-"

"no, i do! it's just.. i haven't been completely honest with you. about me. i know you wont freak out about itandhatemebutidon'twantthingstochangesoi'mreallyscaredyouwon'tlikemeanymoreandi-" felix covered your mouth, stopping you from rambling any further. he smiled reassuringly at you, also feeling a bit of relief at the fact that you liked him back, and that he wouldn't have to eat this cake by himself.

"hyung, it's okay. calm down. slowly, okay?" felix said, uncovering your mouth and fixing your hair.

you nodded, sighing, before taking a deep breathe. "i'm trans. i wasn't born a male." you finally spit it out, and felix nodded, understandingly.

"it's okay, you're still and always will be my pretty boy." felix was such an understanding and caring person. your lips quirked up into a smile, and you grinned, burying your face into his neck, pulling him into a hug, your arms wrapped around his waist.

"thank you, lix."

kim seungmin:

"hyung, wanna go out together?" seungmin walked into your room, not bothering to knock on the door. he already knew you were fine with it, anyways. you looked up from your canvas, and saw seungmin shyly looking away, and you could already tell this time was different.

"seung-ie, what'd you have in mind?" you asked, and he simply looked away, face flushed as he mumbled words of encouragement to himself, before telling you where he wanted to go.

"namsan tower..? i wanted to go and put our own locks together." seungmin replied nervously, and your eyes widened slightly in surprise.

"like- like a date?" you tilted your head softly, and he looked at you hopefully, nodding.

"yeah, like.. like a date.. it's okay if you don't wanna go with me-"

"no! no i wanna go, it's just.. i didn't tell you something, and i was really hoping that i wouldn't have to tell you because i was scared it would change the way you see me.." you explained, and seungmin tilted his head. if you weren't so anxious at the moment, you would've cooed because of how much he reminded you of a puppy.

"seungmin-ah, i'm a trans male," you spoke, after a moment, and you swear you could hear your heart beating in your ears. seungmin blinked, somewhat in shock, and you bit your lip, not wanting to freak out or anything too soon, but the silence was killing you. "if, if it's too much, i can give you a minute-"

"no! no i just.. you're so handsome, i had to soak it all in for a minute. you're really pretty, like extremely good looking." and with seungmin's words you knew he understood, he just didn't know how to express it otherwise.

"...so, namsan tower it is?" you smiled, and seungmin nodded, taking your hand in his. you felt him shiver, your hands had always been warm, while his hands were always cold, even if he wasn't.

yang jeongin:

"wanna go to a cafe with me?" jeongin asked, showing you the picture on his phone, and you noticed it was a couples cafe. he tilted his head, looking at you, seemingly unaware of your inner conflicts. you want to go with him, but you had yet to come out to him. you don't wanna hide something that big from him, because what if he wasn't okay with it?

"innie, you know it's a popular couples cafe, right?" you played it safe. maybe he didn't know, and wanted to just go and get coffee. it wasn't unusual for the both of you to go and get coffee together, but this might've been different.

"mhm! there's a first date discount too, by the way." jeongin mentioned, smiling softly, and you had the urge to poke his dimples, but stopped yourself from doing so.

"ah, i see.. are you wanting to go for the discount..?" you asked, and he shrugged.

"eh, for the discount, and i want to take you out on a date. there's really good strawberry shortcake here, i've heard." jeongin completely blew past the part where he had basically asked you out on a date, and you felt yourself heat up, your back stiffening. you sat up on the couch, and looked over at him.

"i need to come out with something.. i haven't told you this because i didn't know how you'd react.." you began, and jeongin immediately thought it was bad. had he gone too far? maybe you were already in a relationship? did you not like him the same way he liked you? were you straight? god he hoped he hadn't messed up everything.

"what is it?... is it something bad?" jeongin asked, and you felt your heart crack a bit, with the way his eyes showed you everything.

"no! no it's nothing like that, i.. i just need to tell you before anything, okay?" he nodded.

"i'm transgender. i wasn't born the way i am now. i just.. i really wanted you to know." you said, and jeongin let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in.

"hyung.. you were always like this. maybe not physically, but you were meant to be a man. i still like you, if you're worried about things like that. you can't get rid of me easily." jeongin grinned, and you hugged him, to which he returned.

"thanks, innie. for being a good person," you murmured, and he laughed softly, running his hand through your hair reassuringly, before kissing the tip of your nose gently.

"thank you, hyung. for being who you are." jeongin replied, smiling, holding your face gently.

all rights reserved © inarizqkis 2023. do not repost, rewrite, or translate anywhere.

[beanghostprincess]

Hi!

I just read a very funny fic 'Much ado about nothing' by Fire_lily and Violet_20 on AO3 and I was wondering... how do you think Sanji (and by the other guys) would behave when the girls are on their periods?

Okay, yeah, it was really funny. I often think about this, honestly, ngl. And you know how much I tend to write because I'm a menace to society, so I'll try to keep it brief. Btw, assume all the guys here are cis men (which hurts, because I'd rather die than say Usopp, Luffy and Zoro have dicks. But okay. Let's say they do) and that Nami is the only one in her period (because I think Robin is trans and also she has been dealing with pain so much on her own that even if she had her period, the crew wouldn't even notice. Nami, Franky, Jinbe, and Brook would be the only ones knowing).

Chopper is the one explaining what a period is, by the way, because these idiots know the basics but not much and I think they could use some health classes? Like, seriously, it'd be nice.

Luffy: Doesn't understand what the fuck is a period (Makino explained it. His ass didn't listen). If Nami is bleeding, can't Chopper cure her? Oh, he can't? Is she sick? Is she going to die? No? She's fine, then? But she needs them to give her a break because even if she isn't sick, she's still not going through the best time. It's uncomfortable and she feels bad and sensitive. I think Luffy would have a lot of questions and he would ask shamelessly about them. And he would also try to be considerate and share his food with Nami and cause less trouble. I know he's chaotic but he's always really nice when a crewmate is in pain, and if Nami (his navigator. His Nami!!!) is feeling bad, he'll do whatever he can to help her. If she has cramps he'll probably stay beside her and sleep with her and cuddle. He's actually worried sick even if she tells him she's fine.

Zoro: He doesn't really give a fuck. Kuina explained what periods were to him and how unfair it was and he agreed. It is unfair. It is fucked up. They shouldn't go through that. He respects Nami a lot for being able to work and yell and live normally while she's bleeding and cramping (I mean, that's HIS normal state, but Nami isn't like him). So he just supports her from a distance and if she needs anything he'll just try to help and that's it. He's like?? He's normal about it. Just a thing the body does. Everyone thinks it's such a big deal, but it's not.

Usopp: He grew up with Kaya. I don't need to say anything else. He's always complaining about Nami being louder than usual or oversensitive and saying that she doesn't need to blame them for being in pain, but he only says it because they're best friends, lmao. "Girl, I know you're in pain but it's not my fault. Chill. Do you want a chocolate bar?" and he's pretty much the only one allowed to keep her company when she's stressed and too angry to deal with the others. Bestie privileges. He knows how to make her happy. The perks of having a childhood sweetheart and taking care of her when she was on her period (she was just emotional, though, not like Nami who is a ticking time bomb depending on the month). He always has pads, pills, and distractions ready for Nami. He's just there and normal about it and helping her out.

Sanji: Fucking dramatic. I can't stand him. I'm gonna throw bricks at him. I love him, but he's either the most respectful gentleman on earth or the weirdest guy ever about this. He's probably both at the same time. He's SO annoying, oh my god. He keeps wanting to do everything for Nami, and okay, the food, tea, and extra snacks are fine. But it's just too much. He's the one crying all the time like "WHY DID GOD CURSE OUR MELLORINES WITH SUCH PAIN?????????? OH NAMI-SWAN IF I COULD TAKE YOUR SUFFERING I WOULD!!!!!! YOU ARE SO BRAVE FOR THIS!!!!!" and Usopp is the one actually throwing stuff at him and kicking him out of the girl's room when he comes to bring some snacks and won't shut up. He's,, Overly helpful. He has good intentions, really, but Nami is just on her period. She can still move and do her own things, thank you very much. I think he learns to be more normal about it with time, though. And he's just this way with Nami, probably (I say this bc I'm writing a Sanuso fic with Trans Usopp on his period and I swear Sanji is normal about it).

Chopper: I mean. It's the doctor. He keeps an eye on Nami and takes care of her. He's gentle and always tries to bring her painkillers if it's too much. Reminds her to drink a lot of water and eat properly but never too much because she could get sick! He's the cutest, gentlest thing ever.

Franky: Another dramatic man. He's just like Sanji, except that instead of crying because Nami has to go through this, he keeps saying she's SUPEERRRRR COOL AND STRONG FOR DEALING WITH THIS. But it's only for a few seconds and then he's just acting like a dad. Which includes helping if needed but then asking the weirdest questions to see if Nami is alright.

Brook: He would be the sweetest thing ever. But also, we gotta admit that he's still a perv and would ask to see Nami's underwear anyway. But leaving that aside, yeah, he's sweet. He offers tea and gentle music while she works and tries to be a gentleman. He makes a few jokes here and there, Nami hits him, the usual stuff. But he's a sweet grandpa so he's just there being nice. But, y'know, Brook is always nice to be around. He just offers his help more and often asks Nami if she's feeling okay.

Jinbe: He doesn't quite understand what he's supposed to do, but he just doesn't get in Nami's way if she's mad, and if she's sensitive he'll try to make the crew shut up for a while. Gentle older man. He always tries to make peace around the place, but pretty much like Brook and he also tries not to overstep. He asks Zoro if he should be doing something, and Zoro just shrugs and says to let Nami do her own thing.

[stiffyck]

Hello Stiff,

I have been a long time fan of your art. I followed you a while back when I first saw your art pop up on my dashboard. Your art was always wonderful to me, and you had such interesting and new ideas for your Scar designs. I mean, four ears? That was so cool! And who doesn't love a good trans Scar?

Recently, there's been a change in your art that I (along with several others) have noticed. It's something you often point out as a "good" thing, but frankly, it's quite hurtful. You've been drawing Scar with a very large nose, and good on you! You're very right in saying that the hermit and traffic communities have a tendency to not draw more marginalized or "uncommon" body types. We love seeing more diverse bodies and features in art! I myself have a bigger nose and have longed for people with my features to be shown in media.

I say this with the utmost kindness and respect for your art, as a longtime fan: The way you draw Scar's nose is like a caricature. I don't understand, whenever I see your art pop up onto my dashboard, how you cannot see it. As an artist, I assume you know more about correct proportions and such than I, but this just feels (and I hate to use such strong language here) absurd. Drawing large noses is a great thing, but this feels like something I would see in an old, racist cartoon.

And it's just Scar, as well! You draw everyone else wonderfully, but you give Scar such a disproportionately large nose! At this point, it feels like you're patting yourself on the back for drawing racist caricatures. I have never seen people be drawn like this otherwise. Please, look at images of people with larger noses. Look at their proportions. Compare this to your art. You will see the difference!

I say this not as someone who wants to bring you down, but as a fan who is concerned about the way your art has been going. I'm a little surprised you haven't had people point this out to you before, frankly. I hope you take this not as something meant to insult you, but as something meant to educate and bring to light something that you may have overlooked in the name of doing something good.

Please take time to think on this and reflect. While I'd appreciate a response, one isn't necessary, as long as you do something to change. Apologies for sending this on anonymous, but I don't wish to possibly put myself under attack for saying something I truly believe in.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

I feel like some of the art I drew could come off as a caricature but the most recent one with pizza genuinely just looks like a cartoony drawing to me? Like this just looks like a character I'd see in a cartoon? I can see why some of my other pieces may have come off as a caricature even tho that was not my intention.

Obviously I don't want to make something hurtful or racist in nature so I'm genuinely sorry if anything I drew came off that way.

I'm not gonna be drawing his nose this way anymore and I'll probably lay off from posting art for now

[talisidekick]

This whole situation with Predestrogen is making me wonder where I should go next. Do I just exist on Ko-fi? Do I take my OnlyFans account which just exists to hold my name and make it into my blog? Do I go to cohost? Or is there another service for 2SLGBTQIA+ people thats actually supportive of transgender people?

I'm all for sticking heels in, digging down, and making a space for myself. To exist in a space because I'm human and deserve the same level of mutual respect that two straight and cisgender people show eachother. I do this in my day-to-day life. It's important to fight for what's yours. However, Tumblr is a platform. I don't own the data-space my blog takes up on Tumblrs servers. Tumblr is a United States company, and by their constitutional rights, Matt Mullenweg and those he designates as executors of his will gets to choose what content is spoken, written, or otherwise made available on Tumblr. I believe this is the First Ammendment that states this. This is why they can remove trans peoples transition timelines, ban people for any reason, and delete the public facing aspect of peoples posts with as little explanation as "we don't want them on our platform". That's their right. This is why I'm considering exporting the over 1100 posts I've made on Tumblr and nuking the blog down to a single redirection post to all my other social media accounts.

If photomatt and by extention Tumblr doesn't want the platform to be the "queerest place on the internet", then maybe it's time to help someplace else take that title. If Matt and Tumblr won't exercise their rights to remove bigotry, which they don't, then it's probably best to go somewhere that will. I know the trans and queer staff at Tumblr are really risking a lot trying to fix this, but I'm a corporate employee myself, and the best intentions of the workforce doesn't mean shit if the supervisors, leadership, bosses, and owners have different plans/ideals. And if Matt has different plans for Tumblr, either before this whole ordeal, or after then Tumblr Staffs words, as awesome as they are and as brave as they have been, won't be worth the digital space they take up. When Matt gets back, I expect sweeping changes, and from experience I'll err on the side of caution that it won't be good for the transgender users like myself.

Problem is, I don't know where else to go. If anyone has information on any good alternatives, or just better platforms, I'd appreciate the help. I'd like to see the options before I make a decision. In all likelihood I'll rwmain on Tumblr, but I want to exit quickly if things go south.

[iamnmbr3]

sorry, I'll phrase it better in the future.

Ok what do you think trans girl harry would change things? Dumbledore would definitely have Thoughts, and probably not 'approve.'

Canonically we don't know what any of the characters' thoughts on trans people are since it's not something JKR discusses at all in her writing. Certainly JK Rowling would not approve and if we take authorial intent into consideration we could then say that Dumbledore, who often takes on the role of author proxy voice of reason, in the narrative also wouldn't approve. Conversely, from an in-universe perspective we could surmise that given that Tonks has powers that make her able to choose her gender and given how easy changing your body or gender presentation would be with magic, being trans is so accepted that it's not even worth remarking on because changing your assigned gender is as simple as dying your hair a different color.

Though we could also argue from an in-universe perspective that the reason trans issues are not discussed in the books is due to such topics being considered highly taboo due to pervasive bigotry. Ultimately there's not much to go on so it all really falls into the realm of headcanon and whether in a specific post or fic the writer wants to explore transphobia in the wizarding world or not. You could do lots of cool stuff with trans Harry who faces no transphobia or with trans Harry who does. It's up to you.

[jinx-on-mars-19xx]

"It wasn't until he made music with Dom and became friends with him and started seeming more human and accessible that I fell in love with him"

So... when he was around his black friends and colleagues and in a black scene he was not enough of a 'human' and not enough 'accessible' for you?

Right now you sound no different than Megan who said somewhat of the liking 'he was abandoned and was left to be raised by wolves' in her 'poetry' when plenty times he credited plenty both Ashleigh mom and Slim+Dub moms and other black women (like his best friend's mom in Denver) for being there and essentially raising him. Who are the wolves? (This question is for Megan) and... who are the people around him that didn't allow him to 'seem more human and accessible' (this one indeed is for you, tho?).

You can find this info - the credit he gives the black community- in his past rap interviews... but maybe he was to inhumane and inaccessibile for you to watch them.

I don't except you to post this, this is just for you, this is not a hate attack just a fruit for thought. Some of you do not realize how tone deaf the things you say are while having good intentions. There is more to intersectionality, beyond gender and their roles, that you choose to ignore. And that's just sad.

Oh I'll totally post it because anyone who has followed me for any length of time already understands why this is. I really hope you send something else later so I can take care of something but I'm pretty sure you're the only person who thinks this.

I am a very open person who's been through a lot of shit in my life. Colson used to scare me because when I was a teenager I was raped by my ex who idolized Em and all rap. Maybe it wasn't right of me to have PTSD with a whole genre of music but I was a child and went through hell because of that boy. You don't get to choose triggers, only that you wish to heal from them. He assaulted me in my church and left me pregnant- which I lost a few months later. I spent the next decade or more too terrified of anyone who looked, acted, and tried to seem an alpha male. It wasn't just rappers or whatever, ANYONE who had that "I'm a man lemme smash" personality. If you followed anything I've posted about Kells or myself before YOU wouldn't sound so ignorant and tone deaf. If you don't like us, GET OFF OUR PAGES. Stop attacking us and our followers. It's that easy. You don't have to try and convince me I don't like people. I'm a trans man so yeah I like the boy who wears skirts and what he's done with Colson. If you somehow haven't noticed, that's what I focus on. It's a fanpage, not a political statement.

I fell in love with Dom and his kind heart even though he sung some rap. It opened me up to healing, finding myself, and a world of new things. Because of him I found Kells again and started to see how he was around Dom. It was different than who he was around anyone else. He started seeming okay with someone like me and I took his name BECAUSE of how much he helped me heal and changed my outlook.

I'm glad for all the people he had over his life but given my past I wouldn't have been able to deal with him if not for his relationship with Dom. I (and Roxy) don't owe you shit and you sound like you're desperate for everyone to think you're a better fan than the rest of us. You put him down for no longer being manly enough for you so which of us comes off worse? I love all versions of him. He helped me heal.

I hope by now @triplexdoublex has blocked you but please do message me again so I can block you now. This triggered the fuck out of me and gave me a panic attack so thanks for ruining my morning, I'm sure that makes you feel big and strong. Considering how you talked about him you're probably transphobic too so this is the only power I'm giving you and it's more so Roxy can see what you are and hopefully never gives you a platform again. People are allowed to grow and heal and change, maybe you should try it? I know you hate that Colson did but it might help you.

To all my mutuals who already know all this I'm sorry to have to go back over it. I just felt like this needed to be seen. Someone like this might try to use it later and I'm not in the mood to let anyone think they have one over me. I love you all and I hope you're having a lovely day 🖤

Edit to add: How very fucking DARE you compare me in ANY way to that abusive woman. I'll give the benefit of the doubt that you just follow Roxy and don't know my past. But that was worse than you reaching for the rest. You were literally the one spewing abusive rhetoric about him not being manly enough- that sounds more like Megan than I'll ever be. But Dom and Cols taught me how to be a man so I'll let this go like they would. Hope you have the day you deserve!

[calpalsworld]

So the behind the scenes for Pizza Tower is literally the worst. The creator is literally the worst. If i was in the same room as someone like this I would probably become a killer. Other fans have already said their opinions, basically "I get why people like the game but I can't engage with it anymore" etc. That's pretty much how I'm feeling. I feel disgusted and betrayed and it hurts to remember something I like about the game, and then remember it was made by these dangerous people. Maybe at some point if I do get the urge to draw the characters again, maybe I'll put a huge DNI banner that says "fuck bigots die mcpig" or something. But I need a bit to think about if thats a good decision or not... I feel like its not... On one hand I want to say "I'm gonna take the good parts of this game and make it what the creator hates" but I also have no clue if thats a good idea, and I need a while to think about it.

One BIG THING I'm asking of everyone, and I may make another post asking this question later, is does anyone know any Pizza Tower alternatives??? Any media that is cartoony and simple and crazy and well animated? I really wish I could find something that had the things I liked in Pizza Tower. Please comment or send me an ask if you have any suggestions.

Anyway heres some PERSONAL thoughts that are NOT as important:

I feel disappointed in myself for noticing problematic character designs from the start and convincing myself that maybe the bigotry was unintentional, that it was just a negative side effect of being inspired by other (bigoted) things. It was obviously not. I should've known it was intentional.

A lot of people have been saying "Pizza Tower being problematic was obvious due to the art style," which is partially true, but at the same time that makes me really sad. My first exposure to the game was my friend saying "this looks like something you would make!" And I've been fucking obsessed with the art style ever since. For those who don't know, I used to be an exclusively "shitpost" artist, which I REALLY enjoyed, and art college has made me more and more corporate. So sadly.... Pizza Tower made me feel connected to how I used to draw and create art. I was really happy to see such a creative and unconventional art style that is like my own thriving with popularity, and I liked to imagine that maybe the creator was similar to me (he is not). Lately I've started saying "I'm not gonna make sanitized art anymore I'm gonna only make crazy stuff" and yeah that was literally because of... Pizza Tower.... which has been revealed to be made by the worst people ever.... (so yeah lmk if you guys have any recommended alternatives).

Last thing is I think it has been cool how Peppino has become an iconic ass trans-headcanoned character for a lot of tumblr. So I guess thats the reason why I most likely won't judge anyone for drawing Pizza Tower. We got something awesome going that was our own thing. But you have to remember McPig is also a racist, and trans headcanons don't do anything to fight against that.

I just hope the people who will continue to draw art to spite McPig's intentions openly acknowledge how fucked up the game's creation is, and don't promote the game. If you continue being a Pizza Tower fan please at least be self-aware and adamantly against the creator. Like post a link to pirate the game along with every time you post art of it or something to counteract your inherent promotion of the game, idk. Don't let bigots get away with being popular. That is dangerous.

TLDR:;

No more Pizza Tower for me, at least for a while, if I do ever post something Pizza Tower-related again it will be staunchly anti-Pizza Tower. Someday, I hope to create something like fun and silly like Pizza Tower, but antifascist. Also, new hyperfixation recommendations that are similar to Pizza Tower strongly encouraged, thank you!

[homosexual-radio-host]

Sander sides on you coming out as trans (ftm)

Logan

You have something to tell me? it's important? ok what is it?

he actually puts his book down for you

Oh you're trans? Thank you for telling me I am aware that that is a hard thing to do, what would you prefer me to call you?

Suitable name, pronouns noted, thank you for trusting me

Will slam transphobes with logical reasoning about how they are idiots

Will also slam transphobes with whatever he happens to be holding

He does occasionally lose his temper as we've seen

(Name) Have you taken off that binder at all recently? No? Well that won't do, completely unsafe, You know that can actually negatively affect potential at top surgery...

Patton

Hiya kiddo! of course I got time to talk:D

You're trans? Oh wow that's great thanks for telling me kiddo! What are your pronouns?

Oh well that's a swell name kiddo (Immidiately gives you a cute little nickname based on it)

Would be the type of guy to get you stuff with the trans flag on it

"Here kiddo this sweaters got trans colors :D"

The type to passive aggresively correct people

"Where's (name)?" "She's over there" Envoke blank stare and "I don't see any she's... Oh but there's (Name) great i'll go see HIM"

Roman

You're trans? Why wonderful, Now there are two handsome princes!

He/him, got it, any new title? Ah a wonderful name prince (name)!

Will stab ppl who misgender you intentionally with his sword

Takes you shopping

Judges your fashion sense

Virgil

What is it? Oh ok, cool, so he/him then? and (name) sick

He only lets you borrow his hoodie, with anyone else it's on sight

Also a passive aggresive corrector

But if it's repetitive and obviously intentional he might hiss

"Holy shit it's he/him even im not that fucking stupid" (To the dismay of Patton at that slight self deprication

Teaches you to do eyeliner

You two would go insane to Mama by mcr (Emo trans anthem)

Janus

Hello (Dramatic drawl) "He/him and (name)? Ok"

Idk how to write this because he's a liar but I feel like he would want to be genuine abt this at least

Don't want his lying to make him seem transphobic

Obviously I don't care (name)

Would go OFF on transphobes, he is the drama he would literally scare them with just his words

Oh yea cause it's SO hard to remember one thing

Take off the binder. Yea no use lying I AM lies, take it off

Quietly supportive

Remus

Yea I know you're trans I read your diary, Now as I was saying can I eat your deaodorant? Oh who am I kidding I'm going to anyways

If someone is transphobic he would probably just hurt them, physically, maybe eat them idk

Om nom bitch

He would offer his clothes but you wouldn't want them for a multitude of reasons

Gross, stinky

Also don't trust him to shop for you he would get you the ugliest things ever on purpose

"So she" "He" "Right so anyways she" *kills them*

At least he gave em one chance

[thesunrisesss]

Have you seen the prequel movie? If yes🌹>>>

A. In your opinion, please rate TBOSAS movie with 1-10 scale.

(1 = I hate it, 10 = I love it.)

Things that you like :

Things that you don't like :

B. For people who also read the novel.

Your opinions about the difference between the book and the movie :

Thank you 🎼

@curiousnonny

Thank you so much for the ask!! Yes, I have seen the movie (twice lol). On a scale of 1-10, I'd rate TBOSAS as a 9, because a 10 to me would be a 1 to 1 recreation of the book. Compared to the rest of the film adaptations we have, this is the best one by far. I'll start off by breaking down the things that I liked most about the movie.

Let's start off first and foremost, Francis Lawerence was determined to fit everything cleanly into one movie. While most of us know that there was more than enough material to warrant two movies, if that happened, I believe that it would have suffered the same fate as Mockingjay Pt. 1 & 2. This is what he said during an interview that I think sums this idea up well:

"In an episode of television, if you have a cliffhanger, you have to wait a week or you could just binge it and then you can see the next episode. But making people wait a year, I think, came across as disingenuous, even though it wasn’t. Our intentions were not to be disingenuous." - Variety

So, would it have made more money in the long run? Sure. But would it make the fans happy? Probably not. Both he and Suzanne aren't just in it for the money. They want to both make something they're proud of, and something they know the fans will enjoy and I think that really shows.

Another great example of how they listen to the opinions of their fans is shown in their casting choices.

Back in 2012 when the movies first started being released, there was a lot of public outcry about not giving accurate representation to the characters in the books.

Listen, as much as I love JLaw, her personality, her acting ability, and the beautiful way she brought Katniss to life, she doesn’t look like Katniss as was described in the book. Suzanne is very intentional with the information she gives us. Katniss is a hunter, living in the Appalachian area, and has "straight black hair, olive skin, and grey eyes"; Katniss is coded as Native. Jennifer is not.

This can also be expanded into the representation of District 12 as a whole. While we're watching the events of the Reaping take place, nearly everyone in that crowd is white. If most of the people living in the district live in the Seam and look like Katniss, then where are they? Why do they all look like merchant children?

So, with that all being said, I am very glad that this time around they had a more diverse cast.

Here are the things that I picked up on myself: Clemensia is Asian, Coral was queer-coded, Bobbin was missing an arm, Tanner was missing an eye, Wovey had down syndrome and, Tigris is played by a trans actress (and was a huge fan of the original series growing up). I'm aware that there is probably a lot more I missed out on, but those are just the ones I picked up on on my own.

Another bit I loved was the character outfit choices.

Snow wore different colored roses to signify his mindset at different points in time. He wore a red rose during the reaping ceremony, red roses signifying passion and pride as he thinks he’s about to win the Plinth prize. When we see him at the train station he gives Lucy Gray a white rose, which signifies loyalty, purity, and innocence, as are his views towards her and the Games thus far. Then, during the start of the games he wears a yellow rose, which signifies friendship and luck, which represents how he feels about Lucy Gray.

Another thing that really stood out to me was the choice of character design. Of course, most of the attention is going to the Academy uniforms, and Lucy Gray’s reaping dress, but there’s so much more that we can pick up on if we look closely.

It was mentioned a TikTok, going over Tigris’s outfits, that the designer intentionally gave all of her outfits some kind of unfinished hem, as if she was still a work in progress. (I can’t find the original TikTok anywhere, I believe it was posted by Lionsgate, but it’s no longer there)

And Dr. Gaul’s outfits are phenomenal. I would say my piece about it here, but Leftie said it so much better than I could say it myself, so I will link it for you here: TikTok

Then, when it comes to the tributes, each tribute looked like they were all coming from the poor districts, but they all had something unique about them. Coral had a fish on her flannel representing District 4, fishing, Wovey had an outfit covered in buttons on her shoulders, and had a heart made of buttons on her pants representing District 8, textiles, 

There are also many things I liked about the little callbacks to the original trilogy, but don't have enough to say on it to write them their own paragraphs, so I will list them below.

The long shot on the bow and arrows on the Cornucopia, sitting and waiting to be used, because no one there is ready to take the first shot.

Lucky canceling his dinner reservations. “Two and a highchair”, I wonder who that highchair is for.

The mention of Katniss and being too early in the season. Need I say more?

I think these were all great choices because anyone who has been a fan of the series will know what they were trying to tell us, but it also blends in so well with the rest of the movie. I have no doubt in my mind that those who watched this movie as their first introduction to the series didn’t think any of those moments were out of place.

Now we’ll move on to the things I didn’t like, and honestly, I’m glad to say I don’t have many, so I will list them below:

Why is District 12 still so white? If the Seam is a large part of the population then why is everyone so gosh darn pale? Where are the people living in the Seam that all looked like Katniss and Lucy Gray??

Where is Clemmy?? I really wanted to see her act like a snake.

Where is Ma Plinth? She is such a huge character in the book and yet we don’t even see her face in the movie.

The interview between Lucky and Lucy Gray while at the zoo felt too fast, could I tell you how to do it better? No. But I do think that the pacing of it was a bit weird.

I really wish we saw a mockingjay pin somewhere, that would have been a nice call back.

The overall pace of the first half of the movie. They did really well getting in the stuff they did, but so much happened in the books that it felt like we were jumping around quite a bit trying to show us all the things that were necessary for the story.

Lack of Snow's inner dialogue. I understand why it wasn't included, but it really adds so much depth to his character that without it he just appears...normal. (Listen you can think Tom is hot all you want, but babe, respectfully, if you still think Snow is smashable after the movie ends I will personally give you my therapist's contact info)

For those who didn’t read the book, but watched the movie, I will leave you with this.

Snow is a sociopath. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He is hot and evil. That’s how it's supposed to be.

No, Snow and Sejanus didn’t kiss in the book either, I’m sorry.

Read the books. It brings so much more light and depth into the characters that you literally cannot do in any movie.

Listen to the audiobook. If you think reading the book will bring the characters to life, then this will make them feel like you know them personally. It's voiced by Santino Fontana (aka Hans from Frozen) and he adds so much to the story, minus the singing. You would think they would let a man who can sing sing the songs, but they don’t. I think it’s cause they’re scared of the edits we would create. (Btw, don’t support amazon by listening to it on audible. You can listen to it for free by either supporting your local library by using Libby or by listening to it on youtube)

Lastly, I’ll leave you with some things I'm hoping we will get to see at some point in the future.

Another book. I really hope Suzanne comes back with another addition to the series at some point. I know she only writes when she has something to say, so if she does, I'm really excited to see what she might come up with.

A TV series adaptation. Diverse and inclusive cast. One episode per chapter. One season per book. One bonus season where each episode goes over the games of previous victors. I would love to see Mags, Haymitch, Johanna, and Finnick’s games.

The extended cut. There is a 3hr 40min cut of the movie that we almost got, but didn’t, and I need to see it. There's currently a live change.org petition urging Lionsgate to release it. As of writing this, it has just over 12k signatures. If you're interested you can sign it here.

More interviews with Suzanne. Even if she doesn’t write any more books I really just want to hear more about what goes on in her head.

More people joining the HG community. It’s been a special interest of mine ever since the movies were first announced, so I’m super happy that it’s picking up steam and getting attention again!

[ratboomerang]

kit dekarios

I just finished Baldur's Gate III for the first time. Yeah I'm in my emotions 😭 If there's anywhere to do the necessary gushing about my tav(and the game in general)(mostly the game in general), I figured this is probably the place to do it. cue the recipe blog exposition:

So here they are, in all their glory. I feel like getting sappy so here we go. Before Baldur's Gate, the only PC game I ever really played was the Sims 4. Even then, I only ever really build, as that's the fun part for me. I didn't realize how much I actually enjoy games that have more concrete depth and plot progression.

I didn't even know Baldur's Gate was a thing until I started seeing the flood of posts about a flamboyant vampire I'd never seen before. My first thought, deadass, was "alright, who's this cunt then?" because boy, had this caught my interest. Of course then I dove in. I've been blessed with multiple weekly D&D 5e games for a few years now, which I'm so thankful for. Fantasy vibes are absolutely a special interest of mine and D&D is an amazing resource to get consistent delicious content for it. Unfortunately, I didn't have any way to play this game. At the time, I was unemployed and facing the monster that is student loans. I didn't have a gaming laptop—just a macbook air from 2017 with a shitty battery life due to my 1000+ hours on the sims over four years. I was feeling MAJOR fomo as my friends all played, having fun conversations about what their unique experiences were like. I got so self-conscious, fearful that it would be blatantly obvious that I wasn't as "in-the-know" as everyone else participating. Fake fan, and all that. Of course, this was not a rational thought, but it was definitely a worry of mine at the time.

Cut to me finally getting a job—at my alma mater, no less. Almost immediately, I felt the weight of financial instability decrease significantly. To celebrate this accomplishment, I treated myself to a gaming laptop and Baldur's Gate. As a D&D player, to say this game is impressive is an understatement. I will continue to recommend it to folks who don't have as much luck when it comes to finding D&D groups. To actually SEE a fantasy world and my character in it is incredible. Theatre of the Mind is fantastic, but getting to see my characters in front of me, realistically animated, is something so special.

That's where Kit (they/he) comes in. For my first play through, I didn't want to use a character I already had. I wanted him to be my Baldur's Gate Character TM. I had finished a mini campaign as a monk a few months prior, and was sincerely missing him. Thus another trans monk was born.

When it came to romance, all I knew going into the game was what I had learned through assimilation. With that, I had come to the conclusion that if I had to guess, Gale or Wyll would win me over. Proud to say I was absolutely correct in my prediction. Wyll is charming as hell, and I am looking forward to the day where I start a run with the intention of romancing him. Something about this LOSER of a wizard though... (something something relatable trauma about self-worth, et cetera.) I'm currently working on a Gale cosplay, so wish me luck as I try to navigate constructing and sewing a costume from scratch for the first time.

I'm so happy with the way my game ended. Karlach lived. Gale proposed. Our party is tadpole-less. I accomplished things that, despite taking a few reloads, seemed impossible for a while (looking at you Raphael and the Boss Battle to End All Boss Battles). I've grown to love these characters so much, and Kit will always have such a special place in my heart as my first hero of Baldur's Gate as well as my first to romance Gale, hehe.

Anyway—this ended up being not SO much about Kit and more about my emotions finishing the game, but maybe I'll end up posting more about them. Shoutout to me for thinking to record the final blow of that last battle as well as the epilogue, and to my computer for swallowing the hour+ video like a champ. Now I have this little token of a gif to celebrate, and I'm so happy with it. I decided to combine that with a photo of Kit super early on at camp, versus him toasting at Withers's party. He went through no actual magic mirror changes, but he LOOKS older. LOOKS accomplished. I love it.

I think that's all I really have to say for now, I do indeed have work tomorrow (today) and it's past midnight. Just,,,,,,,, wanted to write out a sincere love letter to the game, as I'm feeling so lifted and satisfied right now. This is far from the end though—I've got two other active campaigns running, one multiplayer, and where I decided to pursue Astarion, which proved to be a challenge at first as someone who was having a hard time not being the most good-aligned hero. I'm excited though! There's so much more to explore! My heart is full.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I often have a hard time with intrusive thoughts, and have for the most part learnt to deal with them or at the very least talk myself out of an episode that's been caused by them. Recently though I've been really struggling when it comes to the queer community and I've been horrified that I may be secretly transphobic or that I'll unintentionally hurt someone by misgendering them.

I've been on tiktok the past couple weeks and I've seen a lot of discourse about people that are trans or gender fluid or trans masculine and there was a video that said "When she says she thinks I'm a real boy (update, she did not)" and in the comments somebody had said "do they actually see me as a boy or have they just memorized my pronouns".

And since then I've had this fear that what if I'm like that? What if I meet a man who underwent transition and in my head I still sort of see them as a female even though they're a man? Or what if I meet a woman and vice versa? I'm not a transphobic person, I don't want to be and honestly don't feel that I am. But day after day it's been just thought after thought "what if I'm secretly transphobic? What if I'm fetishizing people that are trans? What if I misgender someone? What if me being inexperienced in dating makes me a horrible partner or friend because I wouldn't get it?"

I know in my heart that trans men are just men and trans women are just women, there's no other way to slice it but then I start thinking and then I feel like I wanna die because what if it's a lie? What if I'm just secretly this queerphobic transphobic person and all it takes is something to happen and then everyone will know? But the thing is I'm not! I know for a fact I'm not! I hate my brain

Hi anon,

It sounds like consuming this content has led to some kind of impostor syndrome where you worry about being transphobic. There's a stark difference between accidentally hurting someone (a genuine mistake) and hurting them on purpose, and I imagine you would know which you would be in any given circumstance. I think as soon as some attention is paid to the grey area, it's easy to overthink and worry about the impact of our actions regardless of our intentions. And while it's great to be mindful of how we may hurt others even on accident, there's only so much guilt to carry over a genuine mistake.

We all have implicit biases. We all have thoughts that sometimes conflict with our values and beliefs, and just because we have these thoughts don't inherently make us bigoted or harmful. It's about what thoughts we choose to act upon and manifest into physical reality - that's all that matters.

To answer your other questions more directly, fetishizing trans people is something you'd probably be quite aware of if it did apply to you. If you misgender someone on accident then you correct yourself and carry on. If you have concerns about dating a transgender person, being in an open and caring relationship with them is the best way to work through any discomfort or uncertainty. The only solution to being inexperienced with dating is to try dating more.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[stampstamp]

Finished re-reading F*shigi Y*gi part 1 and the first and final arcs still spark joy so I'll keep my collection but volumes 9-11 were so frustrating that I'm gonna roast them a little under the cut (and be a bit critical of other aspects that don't hold up 30 years on)

Major spoilers and references to SA in the series under the cut! (And it's a super long rant!)

The dip in quality from 9 onwards was such a shame! The plot just turns into various enemies trying to rape the 15-year-old protagonist for three volumes! Not to be a pearl clutcher but Watase says the target demographic is middle school - junior high students and there's just a whole arc where:

It's implied that Nakago raped Miaka. It's later revealed he didn't manage to penetrate her and everyone is like 'oh phew! 😄' and her traumatic nightmares about her memories of him stripping her and pinning her down before she fainted just stop. 🤦

Also, in the author note alongside that part Watase comments that things are getting dark but points out that we've just learned that Yui didn't actually get raped by strangers so it's not all bad. Mate, your protagonist is being assaulted?? We can't take much solace in that revelation right now!

Then there's a bit where Amiboshi climbs on top of her while she's sleeping naked and kisses her without her consent (his parents had drugged her).

Meanwhile, Soi disguises herself as Miaka and tries to seduce Tamahome. I know it's a product of it's time but ughh the way Tamahome almost getting raped is handled so differently to scenes where Miaka is assaulted - it's awful. And there's also a 'gag' parody page where it replicates the scene where Tamahome found Miaka after she's been assaulted by Nakago but makes it look like one of the gay characters had raped Tamahome.

After his comrades have failed to take her virginity and stop her from summoning Suzaku, Tomo, who Watase confirms is gay, also tries to rape Miaka. 😑

In the last volume, Watase shares the ideas that there wasn't space for and they were so good 🥲 maybe you could have removed one of the SA scenes or one of the twenty times Miaka or Tamahome breaks it off and runs away to protect the other?

I used to like the author notes but this time they kept rubbing me the wrong way. Watase would say things like 'too bad we HAVE to spank our tiny terrier puppy to discipline it 🫤' or share racist travelogues about trips to China.

But it's kind of funny that in the author notes, Watase hinted at shipping Tamahome and Nakago 😂 never really gushed about how much she loved Tamahome/Miaka as a ship though. I quite like Keisuke/Tamahome as a ship - they got on well.

I was thinking about ranting about how Nuriko is handled but that's hard because 1. 90s 2. Another culture 3. Watase later came out as X gender so the offensive character notes were probably well intentioned and might be regretted now? 4. The translators had to do the usual thing of deciding which pronouns the character that's almost certainly trans would use, while also translating jokes that implied Nuriko is simply crossdressing for funsies and deciphering whatever the hell happened in vol 8 where Nuriko decided to be cis and in love with Miaka for a chapter or two.

I started shipping Tasuki and Nuriko this time and I was delighted to see 20 whole fics on AO3 but almost all of them misgender Nuriko. Maybe the anime subbers used different pronouns or Nuriko's backstory was different in the anime? Watase said someone did a Tasuki/Nuriko doujin and they wanted to read it. Same!

I used to think I wasn't attached to most of the Suzaku warriors beyond Tasuki because I'd re-read the first few volumes way more times than the rest but Watase really didn't give the others much to say or do! 😬 I feel sorry for the fans of Mitsukake(?) Apparently there were lots of Hotohori fans but I always found him creepy; despite his gentle actions, he never seemed to listen to Miaka's wishes. Yandere behaviour. Lucky for me he wasn't in it much (I also feel sorry for his fans lmao)

Forgot how much character death there was towards the end. It's impressive that Watase included characters from the Genbu and Byakko arcs decades before they were written IRL. I don't think I'll read those since FY suggests they ended badly? I wonder if much was retconned.

[dommi-griffi]

2p and 1p America Imagines - Compare and Contrast

(Yall these have been popping up in my mind and idk why but imma spit them out for everyone on Tumblr)

(For all intents and purposes I'll be calling 2p America Al or Allen, and 1p America Alfred (ik ik real original but wtfe)

(Oliver- 2p England)

(Arthur- 1p England)

Small about info:

Both canonical ages, appear to be in their early twenties.

Both are trans boys. Go on, fight me on it.

Alfred has ADHD because I said so and I like to project.

Allen is Autistic because I said so and I like to project.

Appearances:

In my mind Alfred takes up the Caucasian side of America, very white and not very good about other diverse Cultures in America (Black, Asian, Native, etc etc,), grew up in a more limited diversity pool and didn't start learning abt the dif. Cultures until after moving out of Arthur's house and striking out on his own. (This is the kind of guy where if he was getting mugged by some homeless teen he'd give them his wallet, jacket, and probably offer them a ride home before realizing that they were legitimately homeless or something smh) think of him as the Suburban Boy Next Door who tries (very hard) but (innocently) fails at being a good poc ally. He has his ears pierced but doesn't usually wear anything in them unless he's dressing up or feels like it. Has an eagle tattooed across his back shoulders and the words "Freedom" and "Happiness" tattooed across his collarbones in fancy cursive (think like declaration of independence penmanship if you will)

As for Al, his appearance sits on the Native side in my mind. Very tan skin. Super dark eyes that he wears red contacts over cause he likes the aesthetic, a prominant nose bridge atypical to Native cultures of america, and black hair he likes to dye red because he can. He's very immersed in the diversity of America, grew up in heavily diverse populations (grew up super fucking poor and learned to live off the streets when he got older after moving out of Oliver's house-) has TONS of piercings and tattoos he got from friends over the years during like drunken nights with a semi-working tattoo gun. Probably has an upside down cross tattooed under his eye he got to piss off Oliver but felt bad when realizing he was wearing a satanic symbol without actually being a Satanist (man's respects religion's okay?) And started covering it up with foundation smh.

Personality

Alfred is very happy go lucky and very oblivious to most things. Or rather, that's how he appears. He understands more than most people give him credit for and he often uses that to his advantage when necessary. Talking to him is almost like decrypting a message, you have to be around him long enough to be able to understand what hides behind that friendly smile or beyond those blue-sky eyes. Secretly very angry and would legitimately end the world if he ever snapped. People should be afraid of him but really aren't. When someone does realize what his motives are and how his plans actually are, they often wonder who tf caused him to be so emotionally and mentally manipulative in such a way. Most people forget he was raised by Arthur, specifically in Arthur's prime as a Global Super Power and Pirateer, master of the Seven Seas. Etc.

Al is almost the same- he's actually usually pessimistic and seems very whelmed most of the time. Gives the impression he doesn’t GAF during important conversations but he's secretly storing every detail away for later use. Outwardly shows his anger to cover up how many other emotions are hiding underneath the surface. Also has the potential to snap and completely crush the world in the palm of his hand. Will absolutely get emotional if you persistently show him kindness. He's very timid around people who outwardly appear nice, this usually comes off as if he's angry at you for being nice but really he's just on edge because he was raised by Oliver and so he believes Nice people don't actually exist. People are just people who sometimes do nice things to make themselves feel better about their animosity. So you really have to decrypt him for a while before he starts believing you're an actually nice person.

Likes and dislikes

Alfred really likes Marvel. The movies, comics, shows, fanfiction, cosplay, EVERYTHING.

Allen prefers DC Comics. ANYTHING DC Comics. And I know what you're thinking, "He must really like the joker!" You're wrong. He fucking HATES the joker. Definitely would Kin Jason Todd. Fight me on that I dare you.

They both really like Star Wars. They actually fight over which movie is better A LOT.

Alfred (canonically) really likes meat, burgers, hotdogs, fricken, 10 meat pizza, you name it. Can't cook that well for the life of him. He knows how to make microwaved foods and some boxed pasta.

Allen is vegan. And actually works on metaphysical things like his Chakras and opening his third eye (not the sole purpose for him denouncing Dairy (as dairy shuts your third eye), that's mostly Oliver thecannibal Kirkland's fault). He's an AMAZING cook. Loves to experiment in the kitchen, especially with plant based foods

He's tricked Alfred into eating Plant Based meat on a multitude of occasions.

Alfred really likes sci-fi and thriller horror movies like Aliens or the SAW Franchise. Is (canonically) HORRIFIED of ghosts so he absolutely should not watch anything paranormal (he does anyways).

Allen prefers Paranormal! He loves the classics like Poltergiest, A Haunting in Conneticut, and the Insidious movies. He cannot watch SAW or Final Destination. He has too many intrusive thoughts for FD, and he cannot stand watching Death induced by mechanical objects like tablesaws or (legitimately any way someone dies in SAW smh)

Fun facts abt them:

Alfred is on Testosterone, but hasn't undergone any surgeries just yet. He prefers taping over binding because he doesn't like the sweatiness of wearing his suit and jacket over it.

Allen has gotten top surgery and uses Gel Testosterone because he's afraid of needles. He didn't like using tape before his surgery because it irritated his skin too much and left him with some scars from the adhesive.

Alfred always has a fidget toy on hand for his ADHD, there's usually a fidget cube in his pocket or something of the like. The reason he eats so much is because he hyperfocuses on projects or work to the point he forgets to have meals, so the man's metabolism has adapted to being fed constantly with snacks rather than meals.

Al had an oral fixation and has definitely lost the metal balls off his tongue piercing from chewing on it or messing with it in his mouth. He has to wear chewable jewelry around his neck to help him from clicking the tongue piercing off his teeth and risk chipping them. Absolutely happy Stims over cute things but he really tries to keep it to a minimum when around strangers or people he doesn't trust. He has a tendency towards collecting squishmallows.

They both listen to 8D music.

They both can draw REALLY well.

They play CoD together and have a shared Skyrim account they often contribute to. They won't admit it to each other but they find it interesting to see what happened to their character since the last time they played if the other did something with the game!

(I might add to this later! Lemme know if yall wanna hear more from me :3)

[twst-discourse-bot]

Well I think they are back. Angelic Nerd on Tumblr

Sigh.

I've been pulled out of retirement. I'm alive and kicking and so is the bane of my existence.

I'll be honest, I haven't checked the TWST tags since my last post. I've been busy with real life stuff and was kinda getting bored with it, since I'm managing both a JP and an ENG account all of the reruns and lack of new stuff was causing me to lose interest.

But then the announcement for the 2022 Halloween event AND the Ch. 7 release trailer dropped and it's like someone threw coal into the crusty old train engine that is my brain. Soooo, I'm back. For now. Let's get into the shortest analysis I've probably ever done.

She-of-many-names looks to be taking a middle-road approach this time around, posting an age of 15 years and leaving out the whole trans part of her previous identities. What's more surprising is her completely leaving out anything about her being black, though I suppose if you're trying to pretend like you don't have a record a mile long of shit you did in the past using your race as a weapon, it's in your best interest to hide it if you want to continue to start shit for no reason. Which we know is her favorite hobby by now.

Continuing from this point, she took a hard left from her previous tactics, instead of going for anything related to race, sexuality, age, etc. she's now weaponizing Jewish stereotypes as well as speaking for mentally ill and disabled people. And it's not like anything she said was revolutionary or wrong in a vacuum, if it was coming from anyone else--say it with me now--it would be a whole 'nother story. But we know what's going on, we've been here since the beginning. You're not slick Anna.

I don't know who, when, or what drove the idea into her head that if she spouts random talking points that anyone with a brain (and not racist, anti-Semetic, etc.) would agree with, people won't be allowed to argue with her. That's kinda been her whole position all along, except for the fact that she projects those ideas onto the wrong people and things so no one would ever take her seriously. This is putting all the anti-Asian racism aside, if it wasn't for that she would just be stupid.

And let's not forget the self-victimization, she has to sprinkle that in now and then to make sure that everyone knows she's a poor, defenseless, uwu minor who is getting bullied for DARING to...to...MAKE ORIGINAL CHARACTERS. Idiot. No one's falling for it.

I do have to applaud the people who answered her post about disabled characters with genuine intentions, pity they don't know who they're dealing with.

I'm pretty sure that's everything. It looks like her other blogs lumineisqueen, fandomlover3458, and deadyuunaacount are all still active but silent for the time being.

Much appreciation to the many people in my inbox who still seem to think I'm some kind of authority figure on this whole mess. You guys are doing way more work than me now, so take care of yourselves, alright?

And lest I forget, thank you for the message! Nice to see you again :)