#public talk on mega family

[matchandelure]

not art but i need people to see them

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Forcing your computer to rat you out

Powerful people imprisoned by the cluelessness of their own isolation, locked up with their own motivated reasoning: “It’s impossible to get a CEO to understand something when his quarterly earnings call depends on him not understanding it.”

Take Mark Zuckerberg. Zuckerberg insists that anyone who wanted to use a pseudonym online is “two-faced,” engaged in dishonest social behavior. The Zuckerberg Doctrine claims that forcing people to use their own names is a way to ensure civility. This is an idea so radioactively wrong, it can be spotted from orbit.

From the very beginning, social scientists (both inside and outside Facebook) told Zuckerberg that he was wrong. People have lots of reasons to hide their identities online, both good and bad, but a Real Names Policy affects different people differently:

https://memex.craphound.com/2018/01/22/social-scientists-have-warned-zuck-all-along-that-the-facebook-theory-of-interaction-would-make-people-angry-and-miserable/

For marginalized and at-risk people, there are plenty of reasons to want to have more than one online identity — say, because you are a #MeToo whistleblower hoping that Harvey Weinstein won’t sic his ex-Mossad mercenaries on you:

https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/harvey-weinsteins-army-of-spies

Or maybe you’re a Rohingya Muslim hoping to avoid the genocidal attentions of the troll army that used Facebook to organize — under their real, legal names — to rape and murder you and everyone you love:

https://www.amnesty.org/en/latest/news/2022/09/myanmar-facebooks-systems-promoted-violence-against-rohingya-meta-owes-reparations-new-report/

But even if no one is looking to destroy your life or kill you and your family, there are plenty of good reasons to present different facets of your identity to different people. No one talks to their lover, their boss and their toddler in exactly the same way, or reveals the same facts about their lives to those people. Maintaining different facets to your identity is normal and healthy — and the opposite, presenting the same face to everyone in your life, is a wildly terrible way to live.

None of this is controversial among social scientists, nor is it hard to grasp. But Zuckerberg stubbornly stuck to this anonymity-breeds-incivility doctrine, even as dictators used the fact that Facebook forced dissidents to use their real names to retain power through the threat (and reality) of arrest and torture:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/01/25/nationalize-moderna/#hun-sen

Why did Zuck cling to this dangerous and obvious fallacy? Because the more he could collapse your identity into one unitary whole, the better he could target you with ads. Truly, it is impossible to get a billionaire to understand something when his mega-yacht depends on his not understanding it.

This motivated reasoning ripples through all of Silicon Valley’s top brass, producing what Anil Dash calls “VC QAnon,” the collection of conspiratorial, debunked and absurd beliefs embraced by powerful people who hold the digital lives of billions of us in their quivering grasp:

https://www.anildash.com/2023/07/07/vc-qanon/

These fallacy-ridden autocrats like to disguise their demands as observations, as though wanting something to be true was the same as making it true. Think of when Eric Schmidt — then the CEO of Google — dismissed online privacy concerns, stating “If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place”:

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2009/12/google-ceo-eric-schmidt-dismisses-privacy

Schmidt was echoing the sentiments of his old co-conspirator, Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy: “You have zero privacy anyway. Get over it”:

https://www.wired.com/1999/01/sun-on-privacy-get-over-it/

Both men knew better. Schmidt, in particular, is very jealous of his own privacy. When Cnet reporters used Google to uncover and publish public (but intimate and personal) facts about Schmidt, Schmidt ordered Google PR to ignore all future requests for comment from Cnet reporters:

https://www.cnet.com/tech/tech-industry/how-cnet-got-banned-by-google/

(Like everything else he does, Elon Musk’s policy of responding to media questions about Twitter with a poop emoji is just him copying things other people thought up, making them worse, and taking credit for them:)

https://www.theverge.com/23815634/tesla-elon-musk-origin-founder-twitter-land-of-the-giants

Schmidt’s actions do not reflect an attitude of “If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.” Rather, they are the normal response that we all have to getting doxed.

When Schmidt and McNealy and Zuck tell us that we don’t have privacy, or we don’t want privacy, or that privacy is bad for us, they’re disguising a demand as an observation. “Privacy is dead” actually means, “When privacy is dead, I will be richer than you can imagine, so stop trying to save it, goddamnit.”

We are all prone to believing our own bullshit, but when a tech baron gets high on his own supply, his mental contortions have broad implications for all of us. A couple years after Schmidt’s anti-privacy manifesto, Google launched Google Plus, a social network where everyone was required to use their “real name.”

This decision — justified as a means of ensuring civility and a transparent ruse to improve ad targeting — kicked off the Nym Wars:

https://epeus.blogspot.com/2011/08/google-plus-must-stop-this-identity.html

One of the best documents to come out of that ugly conflict is “Falsehoods Programmers Believe About Names,” a profound and surprising enumeration of all the ways that the experiences of tech bros in Silicon Valley are the real edge-cases, unreflective of the reality of billions of their users:

https://www.kalzumeus.com/2010/06/17/falsehoods-programmers-believe-about-names/

This, in turn, spawned a whole genre of programmer-fallacy catalogs, falsehoods programmers believe about time, currency, birthdays, timezones, email addresses, national borders, nations, biometrics, gender, language, alphabets, phone numbers, addresses, systems of measurement, and, of course, families:

https://github.com/kdeldycke/awesome-falsehood

But humility is in short supply in tech. It’s impossible to get a programmer to understand something when their boss requires them not to understand it. A programmer will happily insist that ordering you to remove your “mask” is for your own good — and not even notice that they’re taking your skin off with it.

There are so many ways that tech executives could improve their profits if only we would abandon our stubborn attachment to being so goddamned complicated. Think of Netflix and its anti-passsword-sharing holy war, which is really a demand that we redefine “family” to be legible and profitable for Netflix:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/02/02/nonbinary-families/#red-envelopes

But despite the entreaties of tech companies to collapse our identities, our families, and our online lives into streamlined, computably hard-edged shapes that fit neatly into their database structures, we continue to live fuzzy, complicated lives that only glancingly resemble those of the executives seeking to shape them.

Now, the rich, powerful people making these demands don’t plan on being constrained by them. They are conservatives, in the tradition of #FrankWilhoit, believers in a system of “in-groups whom the law protects but does not bind, alongside out-groups whom the law binds but does not protect”:

https://crookedtimber.org/2018/03/21/liberals-against-progressives/#comment-729288

As with Schmidt’s desire to spy on you from asshole to appetite for his own personal gain, and his violent aversion to having his own personal life made public, the tech millionaires and billionaires who made their fortune from the flexibility of general purpose computers would like to end that flexibility. They insist that the time for general purpose computers has passed, and that today, “consumers” crave the simplicity of appliances:

https://memex.craphound.com/2012/01/10/lockdown-the-coming-war-on-general-purpose-computing/

It is in the War On General Purpose Computing that we find the cheapest and flimsiest rhetoric. Companies like Apple — and their apologists — insist that no one wants to use third-party app stores, or seek out independent repair depots — and then spend millions to make sure that it’s illegal to jailbreak your phone or get it fixed outside of their own official channel:

https://doctorow.medium.com/apples-cement-overshoes-329856288d13

The cognitive dissonance of “no one wants this,” and “we must make it illegal to get this” is powerful, but the motivated reasoning is more powerful still. It is impossible to get Tim Cook to understand something when his $49 million paycheck depends on him not understanding it.

The War on General Purpose Computing has been underway for decades. Computers, like the people who use them, stubbornly insist on being reality-based, and the reality of computers is that they are general purpose. Every computer is a Turing complete, universal Von Neumann machine, which means that it can run every valid program. There is no way to get a computer to be almost Turing Complete, only capable of running programs that don’t upset your shareholders’ fragile emotional state.

There is no such thing as a printer that will only run the “reject third-party ink” program. There is no such thing as a phone that will only run the “reject third-party apps” program. There are only laws, like the Section 1201 of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, that make writing and distributing those programs a felony punishable by a five-year prison sentence and a $500,000 fine (for a first offense).

That is to say, the War On General Purpose Computing is only incidentally a technical fight: it is primarily a legal fight. When Apple says, “You can’t install a third party app store on your phone,” what they means is, “it’s illegal to install that third party app store.” It’s not a technical countermeasure that stands between you and technological self-determination, it’s a legal doctrine we can call “felony contempt of business model”:

https://locusmag.com/2020/09/cory-doctorow-ip/

But the mighty US government will not step in to protect a company’s business model unless it at least gestures towards the technical. To invoke DMCA 1201, a company must first add the thinnest skin of digital rights management to their product. Since 1201 makes removing DRM illegal, a company can use this molecule-thick scrim of DRM to felonize any activity that the DRM prevents.

More than 20 years ago, technologists started to tinker with ways to combine the legal and technical to tame the wild general purpose computer. Starting with Microsoft’s Palladium project, they theorized a new “Secure Computing” model for allowing companies to reach into your computer long after you had paid for it and brought it home, in order to discipline you for using it in ways that undermined its shareholders’ interest.

Secure Computing began with the idea of shipping every computer with two CPUs. The first one was the normal CPU, the one you interacted with when you booted it up, loaded your OS, and ran programs. The second CPU would be a Trusted Platform Module, a brute-simple system-on-a-chip designed to be off-limits to modification, even by its owner (that is, you).

The TPM would ship with a limited suite of simple programs it could run, each thoroughly audited for bugs, as well as secret cryptographic signing keys that you were not permitted to extract. The original plan called for some truly exotic physical security measures for that TPM, like an acid-filled cavity that would melt the chip if you tried to decap it or run it through an electron-tunneling microscope:

https://pluralistic.net/2020/12/05/trusting-trust/#thompsons-devil

This second computer represented a crack in the otherwise perfectly smooth wall of a computer’s general purposeness; and Trusted Computing proposed to hammer a piton into that crack and use it to anchor a whole superstructure that could observe — and limited — the activity of your computer.

This would start with observation: the TPM would observe every step of your computer’s boot sequence, creating cryptographic hashes of each block of code as it loaded and executed. Each stage of the boot-up could be compared to “known good” versions of those programs. If your computer did something unexpected, the TPM could halt it in its tracks, blocking the boot cycle.

What kind of unexpected things do computers do during their boot cycle? Well, if your computer is infected with malware, it might load poisoned versions of its operating system. Once your OS is poisoned, it’s very hard to detect its malicious conduct, since normal antivirus programs rely on the OS to faithfully report what your computer is doing. When the AV program asks the OS to tell it which programs are running, or which files are on the drive, it has no choice but to trust the OS’s response. When the OS is compromised, it can feed a stream of lies to users’ programs, assuring these apps that everything is fine.

That’s a very beneficial use for a TPM, but there’s a sinister flipside: the TPM can also watch your boot sequence to make sure that there aren’t beneficial modifications present in your operating system. If you modify your OS to let you do things the manufacturer wants to prevent — like loading apps from a third-party app-store — the TPM can spot this and block it.

Now, these beneficial and sinister uses can be teased apart. When the Palladium team first presented its research, my colleague Seth Schoen proposed an “owner override”: a modification of Trusted Computing that would let the computer’s owner override the TPM:

https://web.archive.org/web/20021004125515/http://vitanuova.loyalty.org/2002-07-05.html

This override would introduce its own risks, of course. A user who was tricked into overriding the TPM might expose themselves to malicious software, which could harm that user, as well as attacking other computers on the user’s network and the other users whose data were on the compromised computer’s drive.

But an override would also provide serious benefits: it would rule out the monopolistic abuse of a TPM to force users to run malicious code that the manufacturer insisted on — code that prevented the user from doing things that benefited the user, even if it harmed the manufacturer’s shareholders. For example, with owner override, Microsoft couldn’t force you to use its official MS Office programs rather than third-party compatible programs like Apple’s iWork or Google Docs or LibreOffice.

Owner override also completely changed the calculus for another, even more dangerous part of Trusted Computing: remote attestation.

Remote Attestation is a way for third parties to request a reliable, cryptographically secured assurances about which operating system and programs your computer is running. In Remote Attestation, the TPM in your computer observes every stage of your computer’s boot, gathers information about all the programs you’re running, and cryptographically signs them, using the signing keys the manufacturer installed during fabrication.

You can send this “attestation” to other people on the internet. If they trust that your computer’s TPM is truly secure, then they know that you have sent them a true picture of your computer’s working (the actual protocol is a little more complicated and involves the remote party sending you a random number to cryptographically hash with the attestation, to prevent out-of-date attestations).

Now, this is also potentially beneficial. If you want to make sure that your technologically unsophisticated friend is running an uncompromised computer before you transmit sensitive data to it, you can ask them for an attestation that will tell you whether they’ve been infected with malware.

But it’s also potentially very sinister. Your government can require all the computers in its borders to send a daily attestation to confirm that you’re still running the mandatory spyware. Your abusive spouse — or abusive boss — can do the same for their own disciplinary technologies. Such a tool could prevent you from connecting to a service using a VPN, and make it impossible to use Tor Browser to protect your privacy when interacting with someone who wishes you harm.

The thing is, it’s completely normal and good for computers to lie to other computers on behalf of their owners. Like, if your IoT ebike’s manufacturer goes out of business and all their bikes get bricked because they can no longer talk to their servers, you can run an app that tricks the bike into thinking that it’s still talking to the mothership:

https://nltimes.nl/2023/07/15/alternative-app-can-unlock-vanmoof-bikes-popular-amid-bankruptcy-fears

Or if you’re connecting to a webserver that tries to track you by fingerprinting you based on your computer’s RAM, screen size, fonts, etc, you can order your browser to send random data about this stuff:

https://jshelter.org/fingerprinting/

Or if you’re connecting to a site that wants to track you and nonconsensually cram ads into your eyeballs, you can run an adblocker that doesn’t show you the ads, but tells the site that it did:

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2019/07/adblocking-how-about-nah

Owner override leaves some of the beneficial uses of remote attestation intact. If you’re asking a friend to remotely confirm that your computer is secure, you’re not going to use an override to send them bad data about about your computer’s configuration.

And owner override also sweeps all of the malicious uses of remote attestation off the board. With owner override, you can tell any lie about your computer to a webserver, a site, your boss, your abusive spouse, or your government, and they can’t spot the lie.

But owner override also eliminates some beneficial uses of remote attestation. For example, owner override rules out remote attestation as a way for strangers to play multiplayer video games while confirming that none of them are using cheat programs (like aimhack). It also means that you can’t use remote attestation to verify the configuration of a cloud server you’re renting in order to assure yourself that it’s not stealing your data or serving malware to your users.

This is a tradeoff, and it’s a tradeoff that’s similar to lots of other tradeoffs we make online, between the freedom to do something good and the freedom to do something bad. Participating anonymously, contributing to free software, distributing penetration testing tools, or providing a speech platform that’s open to the public all represent the same tradeoff.

We have lots of experience with making the tradeoff in favor of restrictions rather than freedom: powerful bad actors are happy to attach their names to their cruel speech and incitement to violence. Their victims are silenced for fear of that retaliation.

When we tell security researchers they can’t disclose defects in software without the manufacturer’s permission, the manufacturers use this as a club to silence their critics, not as a way to ensure orderly updates.

When we let corporations decide who is allowed to speak, they act with a mixture of carelessness and self-interest, becoming off-the-books deputies of authoritarian regimes and corrupt, powerful elites.

Alas, we made the wrong tradeoff with Trusted Computing. For the past twenty years, Trusted Computing has been creeping into our devices, albeit in somewhat denatured form. The original vision of acid-filled secondary processors has been replaced with less exotic (and expensive) alternatives, like “secure enclaves.” With a secure enclave, the manufacturer saves on the expense of installing a whole second computer, and instead, they draw a notional rectangle around a region of your computer’s main chip and try really hard to make sure that it can only perform a very constrained set of tasks.

This gives us the worst of all worlds. When secure enclaves are compromised, we not only lose the benefit of cryptographic certainty, knowing for sure that our computers are only booting up trusted, unalterted versions of the OS, but those compromised enclaves run malicious software that is essentially impossible to detect or remove:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/07/28/descartes-was-an-optimist/#uh-oh

But while Trusted Computing has wormed its way into boot-restrictions — preventing you from jailbreaking your computer so it will run the OS and apps of your choosing — there’s been very little work on remote attestation…until now.

Web Environment Integrity is Google’s proposal to integrate remote attestation into everyday web-browsing. The idea is to allow web-servers to verify what OS, extensions, browser, and add-ons your computer is using before the server will communicate with you:

https://github.com/RupertBenWiser/Web-Environment-Integrity/blob/main/explainer.md

Even by the thin standards of the remote attestation imaginaries, there are precious few beneficial uses for this. The googlers behind the proposal have a couple of laughable suggestions, like, maybe if ad-supported sites can comprehensively refuse to serve ad-blocking browsers, they will invest the extra profits in making things you like. Or: letting websites block scriptable browsers will make it harder for bad people to auto-post fake reviews and comments, giving users more assurances about the products they buy.

But foundationally, WEI is about compelling you to disclose true facts about yourself to people who you want to keep those facts from. It is a Real Names Policy for your browser. Google wants to add a new capability to the internet: the ability of people who have the power to force you to tell them things to know for sure that you’re not lying.

The fact that the authors assume this will be beneficial is just another “falsehood programmers believe”: there is no good reason to hide the truth from other people. Squint a little and we’re back to McNealy’s “Privacy is dead, get over it.” Or Schmidt’s “If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.”

And like those men, the programmers behind this harebrained scheme don’t imagine that it will ever apply to them. As Chris Palmer — who worked on Chromium — points out, this is not compatible with normal developer tools or debuggers, which are “incalculably valuable and not really negotiable”:

https://groups.google.com/a/chromium.org/g/blink-dev/c/Ux5h_kGO22g/m/5Lt5cnkLCwAJ

This proposal is still obscure in the mainstream, but in tech circles, it has precipitated a flood of righteous fury:

https://arstechnica.com/gadgets/2023/07/googles-web-integrity-api-sounds-like-drm-for-the-web/

As I wrote last week, giving manufacturers the power to decide how your computer is configured, overriding your own choices, is a bad tradeoff — the worst tradeoff, a greased slide into terminal enshittification:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/07/24/rent-to-pwn/#kitt-is-a-demon

This is how you get Unauthorized Bread:

https://arstechnica.com/gaming/2020/01/unauthorized-bread-a-near-future-tale-of-refugees-and-sinister-iot-appliances/

All of which leads to the question: what now? What should be done about WEI and remote attestation?

Let me start by saying: I don’t think it should be illegal for programmers to design and release these tools. Code is speech, and we can’t understand how this stuff works if we can’t study it.

But programmers shouldn’t deploy it in production code, in the same way that programmers should be allowed to make pen-testing tools, but shouldn’t use them to attack production systems and harm their users. Programmers who do this should be criticized and excluded from the society of their ethical, user-respecting peers.

Corporations that use remote attestation should face legal restrictions: privacy law should prevent the use of remote attestation to compel the production of true facts about users or the exclusion of users who refuse to produce those facts. Unfair competition law should prevent companies from using remote attestation to block interoperability or tie their products to related products and services.

Finally, we must withdraw the laws that prevent users and programmers from overriding TPMs, secure enclaves and remote attestations. You should have the right to study and modify your computer to produce false attestations, or run any code of your choosing. Felony contempt of business model is an outrage. We should alter or strike down DMCA 1201, the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act, and other laws (like contract law’s “tortious interference”) that stand between you and “sole and despotic dominion” over your own computer. All of that applies not just to users who want to reconfigure their own computers, but also toolsmiths who want to help them do so, by offering information, code, products or services to jailbreak and alter your devices.

Tech giants will squeal at this, insisting that they serve your interests when they prevent rivals from opening up their products. After all, those rivals might be bad guys who want to hurt you. That’s 100% true. What is likewise true is that no tech giant will defend you from its own bad impulses, and if you can’t alter your device, you are powerless to stop them:

https://pluralistic.net/2022/11/14/luxury-surveillance/#liar-liar

Companies should be stopped from harming you, but the right place to decide whether a business is doing something nefarious isn’t in the boardroom of that company’s chief competitor: it’s in the halls of democratically accountable governments:

https://www.eff.org/wp/interoperability-and-privacy

So how do we get there? Well, that’s another matter. In my next book, The Internet Con: How to Seize the Means of Computation (Verso Books, Sept 5), I lay out a detailed program, describing which policies will disenshittify the internet, and how to get those policies:

https://www.versobooks.com/products/3035-the-internet-con

Predictably, there are challenges getting this kind of book out into the world via our concentrated tech sector. Amazon refuses to carry the audio edition on its monopoly audiobook platform, Audible, unless it is locked to Amazon forever with mandatory DRM. That’s left me self-financing my own DRM-free audio edition, which is currently available for pre-order via this Kickstarter:

http://seizethemeansofcomputation.org

I’m kickstarting the audiobook for “The Internet Con: How To Seize the Means of Computation,” a Big Tech disassembly manual to disenshittify the web and bring back the old, good internet. It’s a DRM-free book, which means Audible won’t carry it, so this crowdfunder is essential. Back now to get the audio, Verso hardcover and ebook:

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/doctorow/the-internet-con-how-to-seize-the-means-of-computation

If you’d like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here’s a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/08/02/self-incrimination/#wei-bai-bai

[Image ID: An anatomical drawing of a flayed human head; it has been altered to give it a wide-stretched mouth revealing a gadget nestled in the back of the figure's throat, connected by a probe whose two coiled wires stretch to an old fashioned electronic box. The head's eyes have been replaced by the red, menacing eye of HAL 9000 from Stanley Kubrick's '2001: A Space Odyssey.' Behind the head is a code waterfall effect as seen in the credits of the Wachowskis' 'The Matrix.']

Image: Cryteria (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:HAL9000.svg

CC BY 3.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/deed.en

[joeys-babe]

Joey B Imagines: You’re My Best Friend

————————————————————————-

Summary: You and Joe have been best friends for as long as you both can remember, but maybe it’s more than friendship.

Warnings: fluff

Pairing: Joe Burrow x reader

————————————————————————-

*No specific date for this fic!*

Imagine getting dumped a week before your birthday.

Lucky me I don't have to imagine.

I was stupid to think things had been going even a little good with the guy I was seeing but I just wanted to prove my best friend wrong.

My best friend since diapers that is.

Having Joe Burrow as your best friend should be a flex but it was a curse.

We couldn't go out in public anymore and I stopped going to his games since his rookie year because of a rumor that I was his girlfriend.

Joe was super apologetic about it but refused to make a statement saying that we weren't together.

It ended up being a huge argument that wouldn't be resolved til weeks later… but now Joe and I were neck-deep into another quarrel.

My friend from high school told me that my ex-boyfriend from senior year had a mega glow-up. I reached out to him and though he had matured looks-wise… he was still the same douche he was years ago.

I was bored so why not entertain it for just a little bit?

That was a big mistake because I ended up developing real feelings for him.

That's when Joe and I had our argument.

He told me that it was a bad idea, but I told him he didn't know what was good for me. Both of us ended up saying words we wish we hadn't. Now Joe and I haven't talked for three weeks.

Our families would get together regularly but if Joe found out I was going he'd say he was busy, and vice versa.

Today was my 26th birthday, oh and that's another thing about Joe. He loved bringing up that he was older than me.

I had invited him to the party today even though we were in the middle of a fight because it wouldn't be the same without him nonetheless.

Joe hadn't sent a message back or even reacted to the message, just left it on read.

There was a pretty low chance of him even coming, but I wanted him to have the option to come if he wanted.

——

I sat in the kitchen, looking through the window over the sink at the backyard decorated and full of people.

Except the one person I wanted here, wasn't here.

“Sweetie…” - your mom walked up behind you and squeezed your shoulder

“He actually didn't come, Mom. Joe hasn't ever missed one of my birthday parties. Have I gone too far?” - you

“You haven't done anything wrong, honey. Have you told him about Chad breaking up with you? That might make him a little happy.” - your mom

“Why’d that make him happy?” - you rolled your eyes

“y/n… because he didn't want you guys together for a reason.” - your mom smiled

“He just didn't like Chad.” - you sighed

“I don’t think you're reading into this enough. I've seen the way you guys look at each other, and it's not in a best-friend way. Don't you think it's kinda odd he’s always gotten mad when you go on a date with a guy or get a boyfriend? There's something there that isn't purely platonic, and it's not one-sided either, y/n. I think he feels the same way about you that you feel about him.” - your mom

The way I feel about him.

The feelings that had slowly turned from friendship to finding him attractive to having a full-blown crush on him. It didn't happen in just a month or even a year, this has been going on since OSU.

I've never even thought about confessing to him because it just felt like a one-in-a-million chance that he felt the same way. I'm his best friend or was, there's no way he likes me.

My mom ended up making me go outside to socialize with my family and close friends who were basically family… minus one.

——

There was a part of me that had hope that Joe was going to come but now that I had changed out of my party outfit and was helping my mom clean up, all hope was gone.

I had my back turned to the door taking the Happy Birthday banner so when I heard the sliding door I figured it was my dad.

“Hope I'm not too late.” - Joe

My heart stopped when I heard the last voice I expected to hear. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my mom give me a wink before she walked back inside.

Turning around to face Joe, he stood in front of me with a tower of gifts in his hands.

“Parties already over Joe might as well just go home.” - you

“Listen… I had full intentions of coming but I was working out and l lost track of time. There was this pee-wee football team who all wanted pictures with me and I gave them a little speech. Anyway, the moral of the story is… I’m so sorry that I'm late and have been such a jerk the past couple of weeks. I hope you'll forgive me because it's not fun going a long time without talking to you. Happy Birthday… by the way.” - Joe

Without saying a word I took the gifts from Joe’s hands and placed them on the table I was cleaning off.

“I deserve th-” - Joe

Before he could finish his sentence I engulfed him in a huge hug.

“I missed you.” - you

Joe was tense at first but relaxed and cradled the back of my head against his strong chest.

“I missed you too… so much.” - Joe

“I’m glad you came.” - you mumbled

“Me too.” - Joe

We stayed there for a moment, way too long of a hug for ‘best friends’.

“I have something to tell you.” - you

“Me too, but can I go first?” - Joe

I nodded and Joe forged ahead, our arms still around each other.

“I’m sorry about how I acted about Chad, as long as you're happy then I’m happy, and if he makes you feel that way then so be it. Maybe you're right too, maybe he has changed. I shouldn't judge someone off of their past.” - Joe

“Joe I appreciate your apology but he broke up with me a week ago, that's what I was going to tell you.” - you

“Oh. I'm sorry… I hope it wasn't messy. Are you okay?” - Joe

“I’m fine. Just sucks that yet another guy has driven me closer to losing faith in the male species.” - you

“Maybe you're just not dating the right guys. There's someone out there who will show you true love, I'm sure of it.” - Joe

His words made me feel hopeful and sad at the same time. Joe believed that there was someone out there who was right for me, but I wanted it to be him.

“Thanks, Joe.” - you

“Mhm. He might be closer to you than you think…” - Joe

I looked up at him with a skeptical look on my face, but he looked serious.

“What do you mean?” - you gulped

Joe tugged at my waist and looked down at me with such a twinkle in his eyes.

“y/n… you're my best friend.” - Joe

“Mhm…” - you

“I need to tell you the truth then.” - Joe

“Joe… what?” - you

“I wasn't pissed off that you went out with Chad because I thought he'd hurt you… I was pissed because you wanted to go out with him.” - Joe

“Wh… what?” - you

“For as long as I can remember I've just been your best friend, the guy you go to complain about other guys, and I can't take it anymore.” - Joe

He tried to read my expression but when he got nothing, he dropped his arms from my waist and nervously played with his wristbands as he kept going.

“I know it sounds like a stupid Hallmark movie line… but I don't want you to keep getting hurt when there's someone who can treat you so much better right at your fingertips.” - Joe

“Who, Joe? You keep saying that but won't say who.” - you sighed

“Me! Me, y/n. I've been hopelessly in love with you for years while I just stood to the side and watched you look for love in the wrong faces. This might ruin our friendship but it's not fair if I don't tell you… I want to be more than just your best friend.” - Joe

My jaw dropped open as my heart rate rapidly increased. He felt the same way?

“You’re in love with me?” - you

“Yes, and I'm sorry if that makes things awkward… I just really want to show you that not all men are pieces of shit.” - Joe

I stood up on my tiptoes and crashed my lips into his. Joe was taken aback at first but kissed back with just as much passion.

Joe wrapped his strong arms around my waist and held me against him as we kissed. Neither one of us wanted to be the one to break away first.

In the end, I did. I needed to say those words back to him.

“Joe, I'm in love with you too.” - you

“Yeah?” - Joe smiled

“Have been for a long time, I just was worried you didn't feel the same way and it would ruin our friendship to confess.” - you

He flashed that perfect smile at me and laced his fingers with mine.

“Can I kiss you again?” - Joe

“Go for it.” - you smiled

Joe pushed me into him by my hips and my hands went to his chest.

“Everything okay out her- oh my!” - your mom

Though I'm sure Joe heard her just as well as I did, we didn't break away from each other and went on claiming each other’s lips.

When Joe and I finally did disengage from our kiss, we both laughed as he wiped his salvia off of my lips.

My arms wrapped around his middle and I laid my head on his shoulder.

“So I guess I can ask you what I've been dreaming about asking you for years.” - Joe

“Mhm.” - you grinned

“Wanna go out with me tomorrow?” - Joe

“As friends?” - you played dumb, just wanting to hear him say it

“I was thinking more of… boyfriend and girlfriend because we can skip the get-to-know-you stage right? Only if that's okay with you…” - Joe

I pulled my head away from his chest and kissed his soft, freshly shaven cheek.

“That sounds perfect to me.” - you looked into those gorgeous blue eyes you've come to be obsessed with

“Will you be my girlfriend?” - Joe

“Only if you'll be my boyfriend.” - you

“Sounds like a deal.” - Joe

Joe and I stepped away from each other before we shook hands in agreement, something we'd done to solve things since we were little.

We laughed together as we walked up to the back door hand in hand, happy that we'd probably resolved the arguing for the time being.

As we opened the door it revealed both of our moms standing there in a pose that looked like they had their ears on the door just a few seconds ago.

“Yes?” - you

“Can we help you?” - Joe

“What's going on with you two?” - Robin

“Yeah, what she said. What does this hand-holding mean?” - your mom

Joe and I exchanged a look and nonchalantly shrugged before he spoke up.

“We’re dating.” - Joe

“What?!” - your mom’s in sync

“How’d this happen? You guys have been fighting for weeks.” - your mom

“It just kinda happened.” - you shrugged

Robin and my mom looked at each other skeptically.

“Are you sure you guys aren't rushing things just a little bit?” - Robin

“Mom, I've never been more sure about anything else in my life.” - Joe

I looked at him with a surprised look on my face, he only winked with a wide grin and reassuringly squeezed my hand.

“Me too.” - you

————————————————————————-

Authors note: on the 7th day of Christmassssss y'all got whatever this is. I really wanted this to end in smut but I need to control myself. 💀

Request for this fic; thank you anon! 🤍

[happy74827]

Just Words

[Siobhan Roy x GN!Reader]

Synopsis: Words can be hurtful (especially to most) but with Siobhan’s “5-star” personality and ability to not care about anything other than herself, you can’t help BUT spill some words. {GIF Creds: @olliviacooke// I took this off of google (fair warning) so I had to dig deep to find the OP}

WC: 2274

Category: Slight Fluff (?), Enemies to… trope {Trigger Warning: Foul Language (I really channeled the Roy family here), Logan}

I did not expect my first succession fic to be Siobhan… but honestly, I’m not complaining 👀 (fyi: this was a request and I stupidly forgot to “answer” so hopefully the anon who requested lovely Shiv finds this 💀)

『••✎••』

Siobhan Roy… mega bitch. You hated her. Well, that might be an understatement; you despised her. From the moment you met her, she was just a total and complete pain in your ass. Not to mention completely and utterly self-absorbed. She had the attitude and ego of a child.

So when you were made to work with her, you were less than pleased. Logan Roy, the only man who could top Siobhan in terms of being an insufferable asshole, had made you a deal. If you and Siobhan worked together to find a solution to the media shitstorm he was currently experiencing, he would put you on the team that handled the IPO of Waystar. It was the opportunity you had been waiting for, so you sucked it up and agreed.

You and Siobhan sat in the meeting, both of you looking like a pair of miserable children. It made Roman look like a ray of sunshine, and that was really saying something.

Logan slammed the door, causing you to flinch.

"Fuck," he said, taking his seat.

"What?" asked Siobhan, a tinge of irritation in her voice. It’s amazing how her mood could shift on a dime.

"Nothing. I'm just a bit tired of this fucking circus."

"Well, what the fuck do you expect? You made a public promise. If you can't make good on it, why not just say so? Why continue this fucking farce?"

Logan narrowed his eyes at her.

"If I wanted to hear that, Siobhan, I would have gone to my wife's bed. I don't need a cunt in my ear right now."

Siobhan rolled her eyes. "Jesus fucking Christ. I'm a realist. You're the one who wants to live in your fantasy world. Just fucking drop the bomb, tell the truth, and let's move on."

"The truth? And what is the truth? That my son’s a psychotic, drug-addled mess? That Kendall is a sniveling, entitled little fuck? A pathetic, whiny, little shit stain who can't do his job because he's too busy jerking himself off to his own sob story? Is that the truth you want to set free?"

Siobhan stared him down, and once again, you were surprised. You had thought the woman was completely brazen, but there were still limits.

"I'm not your therapist," she said.

"No. You're not. And I'm not going to sit here and listen to a woman with the emotional range of a fucking teaspoon telling me how to handle this situation. Now, I need to get on the phone with my PR team. Fuck off, all of you. Get back to work."

You and Roman both jumped up, quickly leaving the room. Once you were safely away from Logan, you took a deep breath and relaxed a bit.

"Jesus fucking Christ," you muttered, "I don't know how she does it."

Roman smirked, "Oh, she's a special snowflake—a real ball buster. You should see her with Tom. It's a fucking bloodbath."

“Tell me about it. It’s a raging dumpster fire, even saying more than two words to her. I feel like she's going to snap my head off any minute. I’m so tired of her bullshit, and she's the least of my worries. The whole family is a fucking disaster. And I don't have time for any of it…. No offense.”

Roman gave you a half smile. "None taken. You're right; I'm the best of a very bad lot."

"Well, at least you're self-aware."

“You fuckers talking shit about me behind my back?"

You turned and saw Shiv leaning against the wall.

"Always," replied Roman. "And it's fucking hilarious."

"Well, don't let me stop you," she said, rolling her eyes. Her eyes then shifted to you.

"I didn't realize we were having a fucking slumber party."

"Just having a bit of a break," you said.

"Oh, well, that's very fucking nice. I'm glad everyone is taking a fucking break because I've been dealing with our father, who is a raging psycho at the moment. You know, while the rest of you are fucking around, the company is dying. It's falling apart, and everyone is too fucking busy to give a shit."

"Come on, Shivvy. Take a breather. You’re starting to act like Kendall… and that's never a good look," said Roman.

"Fuck off, Ro.”

Shiv glared at him, then glanced back at you. The glare made you want to hide, but you refused to show fear in front of her. You had done it in the past, and it only fed her.

"Well," she said, "aren't you going to say anything? Or are you just going to stand there with your mouth open like an idiot?"

"I think I'll take option B. I'd like to live through this," you replied.

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"I think it's pretty clear."

"Yeah, I suppose it is. I guess I shouldn't expect someone like you to understand."

"Someone like me?"

“Shiv,” warned Roman, trying to interject. Personally, despite his whacked-out sense of humor, you actually enjoyed his company. He was definitely the least obnoxious of the Roy siblings. “Let’s not get into this now, okay? Just drop it."

"No. No, go ahead, Shiv. Let's have it out. Right here, right now. Let's see if you can handle it."

Shiv stared at you for a few moments, then she smiled. It wasn’t her usual smug, condescending grin. It was different, almost sincere.

"You think you're tough?" she asked.

"No. I know I am. It's a little different, don't you think?"

"Okay," she replied, her eyes darkening. She leaned forward, her face just inches from yours. Roman just looked at the two of you as if watching a tennis match. "You're so sure you can handle me. So why don't you prove it?"

"Prove it? Like, what, punch you in the face? Is that what you want?"

"Although, as satisfying as that sounds, I was thinking we all should just move on… maybe have a drink, talk it over? Yeah? No?”

Shiv just looked at you. "Yeah, I'll pass. I'm not here to make friends, and I'm certainly not here to kiss your ass."

"That's good. Because, honestly, I don't see you as the ass-kissing type. Tom, yes. You? Not a chance. You're the type who wants everything to be handed to you on a silver platter. I'm sorry, but I'm not the maid. I'm not going to serve you or kiss your ass. I'm here because I have a job to do, and I intend to do it. That's it.”

"Oh, right. I see. Well, then, why don't we cut the bullshit and just get right to it. How about you go back to whatever shithole you crawled out of and let the real people get on with things."

“Guys-” Roman started.

"Real people? Real people? You think you're real? You think this is real? I hate to break it to you, Siobhan, but you're not a princess, and this isn't a fairy tale. You're not the queen. Your father isn't the king. You're a spoiled brat, and he's… well, he’s Logan. He's not even a king. He's just a bully."

"Is that supposed to hurt me? To insult me?"

"No, but you seem like the kind of person who doesn't take criticism well. You’re doing a terrible job.”

Shiv stared at you, her lip curled up in disgust. She looked as if she were about to hit you, but the rage was just a facade.

"Well," she finally said, "It's a good thing we're not here to play fucking games, then. So why don't you shut the fuck up and get back to work? Unless, of course, you don't think you can handle it. Maybe you should just go back to where you came from, and let the real people get on with things."

Your nostrils flared. It took every ounce of strength in you not to smack the look off her face. But you knew better. If you started a fight, Logan would take your head off, and that was a fight you couldn't win. So, instead, you smiled.

"Fine," you said. "If that's what you want. I'll do my job, and you do yours. But, just remember, the day is coming when this little charade is going to come to an end, and when it does, it's going to be a lot worse than it is right now."

You didn't wait for her reply. Instead, you turned and walked away, leaving the two of them standing in the hallway.

Once you were back in the safety of your office, you collapsed into your chair and let out a sigh. You had just gotten your first taste of a Roy fight, and it was worse than you had anticipated. The worst part was Siobhan had gotten the last word. It didn't matter that you might’ve won. She had gotten the last good word, and you hated her for it.

As the hours ticked by, you became more and more frustrated. You were angry and bitter. You were pissed at yourself for letting Shiv get under your skin, and you were angry at her for getting to you.

So, when your phone rang and you saw her name, you were tempted to ignore it. You let it ring for a few seconds, then decided to answer.

"Yes?” Your attitude was short.

"Get your shit together," she snapped. “We have a meeting in five minutes. We have a lot of ground to cover."

That was, in fact, false. By the time you arrived, the conference room was deserted, and only Shiv remained. She was sitting at the table, her laptop open in front of her.

"What the hell?" you demanded.

"I'm sorry. Did you want a fucking audience? Because that can be arranged. But, if you don't mind, I would prefer not to have any interruptions."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the fact that we are both here, and we have a job to do. Now, either sit down and help me, or fuck off. I really don't give a shit."

You stared at her, and she looked up from her laptop, raising an eyebrow. There was no audience, and there wasn’t going to be one. So, you had two options. Either walk away and look like an idiot, or stay and possibly get chewed out again. You took a deep breath and sat down.

Shiv just hummed in response, then looked back at her screen. "Good choice."

For the next couple of hours, the two of you worked together, trying to figure out a way to turn the situation around. Arguments arose, shots were fired, and at one point, Shiv threatened to kick you out, but overall, it was a productive session. Logan wouldn’t be pissed, so that was a win.

"So," Shiv said as the two of you left the building, "Did you cool down?"

"What?"

"I'm asking if you cooled down. Do you feel better now?"

"Um, yeah, sure. Why wouldn't I? You know, besides the fact that we were at each other's throats for hours and the fact that we both wanted to kill each other. I'm peachy."

"Mm, peachy." She said the word like it was an insult. "That's a strange choice of words, don't you think?”

“What? The real people don’t use the word peachy, huh? Is it beneath you, Shiv? Do you only use fancy words and proper grammar?"

"Oh, I can be a real commoner when the situation calls for it. It's all about knowing your audience."

"Really? So, is this the commoner Shiv? Should I expect a new side of you?"

"Maybe.” She smiled oddly again. The one that made you nervous. "Maybe not. That depends on you. Do you want to know the real me?"

"No, not particularly."

"Good. Because I'm not interested in showing you. I’m just curious if you have what it takes."

"To what, put up with your bullshit? To put up with a spoiled brat who thinks the world is hers for the taking? Mmm, yeah, I think I've got what it takes."

"Okay, first off, fuck you. Second, you're a piece of shit. Third, I have something to tell you. So, listen up. This is important. Okay, ready?"

You were about to say something, but her expression stopped you. Her voice was low, her tone serious. You nodded.

"I'm a bitch. And, yeah, I have a temper, and I'm not a warm and fuzzy kind of girl. But, that's the thing, I don't need to be. I don't need to pretend that I'm anything other than who I am. I don't have to fake it because I know what I want, and I'm not afraid to go after it. That’s what you need to understand. It's not about what you think you need. It's about what you want and what you're willing to do to get it."

You just stared at her, unsure of what to say.

"So, let me ask you, what do you want? And are you willing to do what it takes to get it?"

You thought about it for a second. "I want a drink. A strong one."

A little comedy never hurt anyone. And judging by her expression, you could tell you had made her smile.

"Well, that's a start." Siobhan had a smirk on her face. "Alright, fine. Let's get that drink. Then we'll see how far that gets you."

"Yeah," you muttered, "I'm sure."

But, as you walked down the street, you couldn't help but think about the question. What did you want?

And what was Siobhan offering?

[hiddenwritingsintheworld]

Cruel Summer Ch. 5

Donations | Thoughts & Feelings | Cruel Summer Series | Chapter 4

(Thank you all so much for being patient as I worked through personal issues!! I'm trying to write and get new chapters out for you guys. I'm still dealing with personal issues but for now, I'll push through, thank you all so much for always sending kind supportive messages. Love you guys! Enjoy!

P.S. you can find clues about future chapters if you read through the tags ;) )

-Chapter 5-

You stared at him before giggling, “Funny Chris, you know….. about us…now that we’re…ya know…gonna be public and all that.” you smiled as he chuckled. “Baby…you know we could never be public…I can't ditch the perfect, good girl next door, to go out with an old co star…besides, we’d never work out publicly, we're better this way. Private, just you and me, locked away in a bedroom somewhere.” he leaned in to kiss you again, but you pulled back feeling bile rise in your throat. “You never planned on leaving her for me…did you?” you asked, staring at the bed. “Babygirl,” he walked around the bed to sit by you on your side of the bed. 

He pulled your chin up kissing your lips before you pulled back, he only had a moment to see your eyes before you slapped him as hard as you could. “Get out. Get the fuck out!” you glared at him before you moved quickly off the other side of the bed. “Sweethear-” “FUCK YOU!” you screamed. “GET OUT!!” you grabbed his clothes throwing them at him, he ducked as his shoes flew at his head. 

The door busted open, your security guards and Megan stood there. “Oh Y/N…” She said softly as Chris stood up after sliding his jeans on. “Y/N! Baby come on! Knock it off, let's talk about this!” he snapped back at you. You raced off into the bathroom, locking the door as the tears fell. You started the shower, a sob leaving your lips as you slid down to the floor crying. 

A few weeks later

“And in other news mega worldwide Popstar Y/N, has deleted all posts from her social media. Sources say, She’s “Blacking out any and all communication on tour, and while she loves sharing her life with her fans, touring has taken a toll on her, she’ll return eventually, but for now. She’s got to focus on herself.” wow, so no more thank you posts to all her concert goers? That’s gonna feel like a slap to the face.” the news reporter stated as her co-star started in on you and your reputation. You sat by the window staring out over the city, thankful that no one could see you all the way up here. “Turn it off.” you grumbled out, “You know it's interesting, one former Avenger star announces his wedding date with pictures of his fiance’ the same time another former Avenger star blacks out her social media? I smell drama!” he chuckled as she gasped. 

“I don’t need to hear how Lacey and Simon think I’m some big fuck up for not wanting to be on social media right now.” you said getting up and grabbing your phone. “I’m going down to the gym, maybe running will clear my head.” you said matter of factly before grabbing your headphones. “Maybe you shouldn’t go alone?” Megan asked as she stood up. Your phone had been blowing up from friends and family checking in on you, wondering why you’d gone radio silent. 

You felt your phone go off as you exited your room and felt the corners of your mouth turn up for the first time in what felt like forever. 

Hemsworthy: ‘This place is super boring without you here.’ 

Y/N: ‘Tell me about it. I wish you were here. Life fucking sucks right now.’ 

Hemsworthy: ‘Heard you went black out on socials….you doin okay? 

Y/N: ‘Yep…got a lot going on & I don’t want to see anything online…just, want to focus back on friends and myself for a while…’ 

You sighed as you sent the message, heading into the gym where you began to walk on the treadmill. You thought back over all your time with Chris lately, before he left for South America. The movie nights eating ice cream, playing new songs for him, talking him through his depression when it came to the divorce. You felt tears in your eyes, how could you have been so fucking stupid. 

Were you this desperate to fall in love and be with someone? You’d mistook your friendship with Chris, the things that friends did, as romantic interest and felt yourself developing feelings for him. He was just recently divorced…why would he even think about dating anyone; you needed serious help. 

Hemsworthy: ‘You know if you keep running on the treadmill, you’re gonna burn holes in those tennis shoes missy. :P’ 

You glanced at the message before you did a double take; you didn’t remember telling him you were going to work out to clear your head. “If I have to stand back here any longer I’m gonna go insane.” his thick Australian accent startled you, causing you to whip around as you pulled your headphones off. “Oh my god!” you dashed over to him jumping into his arms as he laughed and hugged you tight. “I missed you popstar,” he mumbled in your ear as you buried your face into his hoodie, breathing in his scent. “I missed you too,” you whispered against his shoulder. 

You jumped down smiling up at him, “Let’s go order some room service and catch up,” he chuckled and cleared his throat, “Uh…I wanted to see if you wanted to go to dinner tonight, with me?” he smiled softly. “Somewhere nice?” he asked as you grinned and nodded, “yeah! That sounds fun!” you said as you both walked to the Elevators. “I have this super cute outfit I’ve been wanting to wear anyways!” you grinned as he chuckled. “I’m sure you’re going to look as beautiful as you always do,” Chris smiled at you, his eyes twinkled softly as you talked about your upcoming show, which was a couple of nights away and Chris was thrilled he was going to attend it. 

When he was touring with you, he would stay back at the hotel, usually cooking a meal for the two of you and picking out a couple of movies for you guys to watch and relax after your shows. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to go to your shows, it was just easier to avoid the press. After the divorce, anytime they had the opportunity to print something about him or his ex wife, they jumped on it.  

Once you guys made it back up to the hotel suite, you got ready for the evening, excited to have a nice dinner with someone who didn’t give a shit how famous you were, or what was happening in your life. You looked in the mirror and smiled at the black sequinned dress, which looked like a night sky, with clouds and a half moon on it. You wore strappy black heels and a fur jacket; and paired it with a silver flashy purse with a diamond studded necklace. 

Chris grinned as he saw you come from your bedroom, “Whoa…you look…..incredible,” he held his hand out spinning you around as you giggled softly, “Thank you. My friend Kayleigh had this made for me, and I hadn't found the right occasion to wear it yet, but thought tonight was perfect.” you smiled as he smiled tenderly at you. “Well it’s perfect, come, I’ve made reservations for us.” he chuckled as you giggled excitedly. “Yay! It’s going to be so nice just…going to dinner and relaxing,” you said as you both headed to the car. 

Pulling up to your favorite restaurant you sighed softly, the paparazzi were covering the street and you looked at Chris. “I’m sorry…I know you want to avoid them, I can go first…maybe see if they have a back entrance you can come through?” you said as he reached over and grabbed your hand, smiling softly. “I think I can manage a few photos with a beautiful girl before we go to dinner.” 

The way he smiled at you, something felt different, you were starting to convince yourself that it was all in your head, but a small part of you wanted him to be into you. You knew you were developing feelings for him. “Y/N! Over here! Over here!” several voices shouted at you as you climbed out of the SUV and made your way around to the sidewalk. You smiled, waved at them, clearly not showing annoyance that you held toward them sometimes and even asked a few of them how they were doing this evening. 

You stopped and posed for a couple of photos, when the other door opened and Chris got out smiling and waving at them for a moment before he put his hand on the small of your back as he walked with you to the door. The camera clicks intensified as he placed his hand on your back and you could hear them shouting more questions as you walked in together.

Tag List:

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[thepastisalreadywritten]

By Kate Andrews

Has Kate Middleton united America? For the past few days, we have been one nation under her spell.

The Princess of Wales has dominated Google searches in the United States ever since Kensington Palace released that now-notorious doctored photo of her with her children for Mother’s Day.

Her name search beat that of both ‘Donald Trump’ and ‘Joe Biden’ over the past week.

To say she has broken the internet would be only the start of it: rumours of her well-being are making their way into every newsroom, dive bar, and church fellowship hour across America.

My friends from all over the country text and call me to ask the same question: What’s happened to Kate?

They know I’m as removed from the royal family as anyone could be, but I’m in London and I work in Westminster, so they hope I’ve heard a theory that hasn’t made its way across the pond just yet.

Left-liberal pals who usually text me when Trump says something obscene now want to know when I last walked by Buckingham Palace.

Did anything seem strange? More right-leaning friends, who tend to send videos of Biden jumbling his words, want to know if it’s unusual in Britain to not wear your wedding ring.

Or did someone photoshop her ring out of the Mother’s Day photo, too? Is that even her hand in the picture?

I wonder if Kate knows she has achieved the impossible in bringing America together in this way.

I suppose that depends on where she’s been, how she’s been faring, and how much she’s checking the news – all questions that largely remain unanswered.

Either way, it’s an impressive feat and a wonderful service she has performed.

Sure, it would be nice if existential threats to the United States and its citizens were cause enough for us to find common ground. But I’m not going to be picky.

I will forever be grateful for this smidgen of evidence that, if the cause is compelling enough, America can pull itself back from the brink.

How did ‘Kate-gate’ go viral in a nation that isn’t even her own? The princess’s prolonged absence from public life has the right components to capture America’s imagination.

We are a country obsessed with The Crown and true crime. Since we rejected the British monarchy almost 250 years ago, we have rarely had the opportunity to combine the two.

The mystery of Kate’s movements and the online sleuthing required to discredit that photograph proved to be a golden moment.

But it’s the cover-up elements, which made the story stratospheric.

Like everything else in the States, conspiracy theories tend to be big – the more far-fetched, the more viral they go.

Trumpist QAnon talk has never appealed to non-partisan Instagram girlies, but speculation around a princess’s whereabouts make for perfect 20-part video series to add to your highlights reel.

That’s because Kate-gate is not your traditional conspiracy fare.

The big questions – what’s happened to Kate, where has she been – have not been whipped up from nothing.

Suspicion has been fed by a number of public-relations mishandlings from the Palace.

Stories have changed, a photo has been botched and is still being censored on social media.

This is particularly strange given the normal PR slickness of the Firm: a protective, ruthless operation that presidents and popstars envy.

Some of the rumours have taken absurd and dangerous turns. But it’s not only fantasists who have questions. Something seems to be happening; we just don’t know what.

We may never find out what Kate has been up to these past months. And perhaps we shouldn’t. Her medical issues aren’t our business, after all.

But we know what’s happened to her in the eyes of the public: Brand Kate has skyrocketed.

She and her family have become even more intriguing – the Prince and Princess of Wales’s Instagram and X accounts gained more than 200,000 followers combined in the days after the doctored photo was posted.

That intrigue has made the princess all the more sensational.

Kate is now a mega-celebrity. She has the kind of fame her sister-in-law craves so badly.

Markle’s tactic was to shout from the rooftops: to make herself and her point of view heard through every media platform and streaming service that showed any interest. It worked for a while.

Had a pandemic not scuppered her big moment, ‘Megxit’ would have been the story of 2020.

She and Harry still got to sit down with Oprah. Netflix charted their journey from the Palace to the Hollywood Hills. But attention quickly waned.

This week, the duchess finds herself doing what every fame-hustler must do in the fight for survival: launching a lifestyle brand.

Her Californian-inspired venture, called American Riviera Orchard, will be offering us fashion advice and gardening tips, along with another outlet selling artisan jams and yoga gear.

Yet as she pushes the cutlery and cookbooks, it’s absent Kate whose face is projected all over the world: a testament, if there ever was one, to the power of silence.

Given the long line of mess-ups from the Palace, this boost for Kate is a fairly good outcome.

The princess disappeared for a few months, and the world made its message clear: we simply can’t bear to be without her.

When she returns to public life, she will be more adored and loved than ever.

The rumours and theories will die down. The outpouring of support for the Princess of Wales will continue.

It seems likely that she will, as promised, resume public duty in the spring.

The future queen of England will return, radiant as ever, to stand next to her future king and her family, as if nothing ever happened.

We’ll watch on, always with the niggling feeling that there was something we weren’t told and that not knowing is the key to the charm.

As Walter Bagehot said:

‘We must not let in daylight upon magic’ – or photoshop, for that matter.

NOTE: Additional photos have been included in this article.

[celticcrossanon]

CC- “Royal Family had the British media to help turn Harry’s PR image from a drug using frat boy into a “war hero” as Harry is anything but a genuine war hero– and uses disabled veterans from IG in order to make himself look good.”

 Just think of mega money in 100s of millions wasted on PR to make that  brat look good! All that money should have gone to important things like those who perform valuable jobs in public service instead of money flushed down the toilet. God only knows how much Chuck spent on rehab Cam’s reputation. What ever happened to all those mottoes? “Keep calm, carry on. Never complain never explain. How ‘bout "show up do good” dumbarton’s latest image campaign/rehab. lol fools and their money.

*

Hi Nonny,

It was a terrible waste of money. Then again, we only know that something is PR once it has failed, so I am sure that there are other people who invest similar amounts in PR to cover up their true nature. I’d rather that everyone was just their authentic selves and all the PR money was spent on other good causes, but I know that is an unrealistic view of things.

I am peeved about Queen Camilla’s PR. She had a reasonable public image and then she ruined it with all her petty articles before and after the coronation. Talk about a waste of effort. With all the time and money spent oh rehabilitating her, the least she could have done is kept it going. 

Harry and Meghan’s PR irritates me because it is not true, we can all see that it is not true, and they keep doing it. I don’t know what they expect to achieve with it, but what they are achieving is to make everyone heartily sick of the sight of them, which seems like an own goal imo.

[quitealotofsodapop]

Ok so in the Stone egg au, no matter which version, if Wukong is carrying an egg by the time S2 starts then there's gonna be some big issues. For one, MK is not gonna want his mentor going off on "vacation" in his condition and second, Wukong himself had explained his reasoning for isolating himself at that point so now that it's basically been revealed in front of a bunch of other demons that the Monkey King is pregnant (people always seem to forget that Wukong and DBK weren't alone in that web), it'd be all the more risky for Wukong to run off. Which means Wukong had better have a good reason if he's gonna risk himself and the Egg.

So needless to say, MK doesn't buy Wukong's bullshit in S2, and Wukong is forced to actually communicate. Learning about the LBD and the searing has for the weapon does literally nothing to convince MK to let Wukong go by himself. It comes down to an argument over noodles (because MK got so fed up, he just dragged Wukong into the shop to get his adopted dads' opinion on the matter) and MK's friends all agreeing with MK that it's a stupid idea and Wukong should have someone to go with him. They understand Wukong's reasoning, don't get them wrong, but the idea is utterly stupid. Let someone who isn't gonna pop any day now handle the search for the weapon, maybe the Demon Bull Family since they'd recently reconciled with Wukong! (Wukong is very against this idea because rn he is still thinking of the Samhadi Fire and there's no way DBK would allow that)

yeah no, MK isn't buying the "vacation" talk in S2. And DBK ain't letting Wukong run off to some fake spa/resort when he just survived a mega energy sapping while with child.

Wukong gets the reasoning forced out of him, and even with the gang saying its a stupid plan, he's adamant to find out what LBD has planned.

So the gang decides that DBK would assist Wukong investigate LBD's old place of residence in Diyu + act as his rabid guard-bull for the duration. And the wider demon public will assume its the King doing one last inter-dimensional pilgrimage before his child enters the world.

MK and Red Son likely team up during "Sleep Bug" and agree to search around the Cloud for the same info Syntax is there to steal... nerd on nerd violence occurs.

Wukong def still keeps the fact that he plans on using the Samadhi Fire to destroy LBD to himself until things get dire.

[frozenmoonshine]

Kawaragi Senju - Headcanons

I've been suffering from some bad Senju brainrot recently, and decided to make it everyone's problem, lmao. But I just love her sooo much, she's my favorite female TR character, she's such an adorable little baby, I can't help it, I want to adopt her!!! 😭

Anyways, here:

She was one of those kids that ripped the heads off of their dolls! She got a Barbie as a present for her 5th birthday, but instead of the intended way of playing with it, she "tested" how much it can bend and stretch, so the head popped off in the process. It didn't stop her tho, she continued to play with it, even headless. Until Wakasa fixed it for her with some flextape, but then it lost its charm so she took the head off again.

She's a BIG cuddle bug! She would cling on to her grandma for affection, or to Haruchiyo when they were little, even to Takeomi, although he would most often just turn her down. Haru was always fine with it, since they shared the cradle as babies, until he grew too big for it, so even as toddlers and older, they were kinda used to snuggling with each other. That changed as they were growing up and gaining separate senses of self, as well as he started accumulating resentment towards her because of Takeomi's favoritism.

When Waka & Benkei became her unofficial guardians, she was sooo happy that Waka didn't mind her snuggling up against him during their "family" movie nights, or that Benkei seemed to enjoy giving her piggyback and shoulder rides as much as she did!

Wakasa is her mother figure. Don't @ me, I will gladly die on that hill!

‌

She collects cool rocks, and gets a bit too excited about them, and wants to show them to everybody! She will talk the ear off of anyone willing to listen.

‌

She is very easily excitable, and can talk a bit too loud sometimes. (Another reason why Haru dislikes loud people.)

‌She's incredibly loyal, and mega protective of her friends and loved ones (that much is canon). But she also believes it's her duty to protect all girls and women, and if sees any girl in any kind of distress, she will step in to help. She's like a public service friend! However, she has trouble making actual friends, cause she's shy and socially awkward, believing that people will hate her, even though she doesn't give off that impression.

‌

She hates conflict with a passion, and wants everyone to get along with each other (my poor traumatized baby 💔)! Her views can be a bit too naïve sometimes, but that's just because she has a heart of gold!

‌

Her favorite pastime as a kid was climbing up the trees, to spite Takeomi and tease Haru because he couldn't do it/was too afraid.

‌

She has the absolute best, most flawless, impeccable, mind-blowing fashion sense EVER, that puts to shame Koko, Inupi, Mitsuya, Ran, and Izana combined! But she doesn't bring out her best game until adulthood, when she realizes that fashion is not just a "typically feminine" hobby, that gender stereotypes are trash anyway, and flips off Takeomi for his warped, outdated ideas!

‌

Speaking of which, she most definitely went through a gender identity crisis in adolescence, but she eventually grew out of it and found herself as she healed from her toxic upbringing.

[uhhhitsme]

hi! distraction time! i really need to talk to you more i don't actually know any of your interests outside of saf so,,,, tell me about something (could be a piece of media, could be an au, really anything) that you haven't really gotten to talk to people about

im just gonna dump a silly little headcanon i have for canon curt (as someone who doing research fears, so is probably one hundred percent historically inaccurate. i apologize in advance. i also really like smytherines take on curt's childhood, so you should definitely check that out!!!). this is in fact novel length. im so sorry.

from what we know in canon, curt's dad takes off when he's really young. so i think it's actually probably safe to say that he didn't have the easiest childhood. mama mega would be a single mother supporting herself and her son, in the 1930/40s. they definitely weren't living in the biggest house in the block. curt probably grew up alone a lot of the time, because his mom was too busy trying to make enough to support them. so obviously, out of boredom and loneliness, he digs up an old hunting rifle he finds in some random storage box, and learns his away around a gun. multiple guns, in fact. he passes so much time at their local gun range, that people have started notice the sheer talent that this random stocky teenager has. started to comment on it. he starts getting a little small town fame.

and then curt's mom is, entirely unexpectedly, laid off from her job. the two of them are struggling to stay afloat, and curt has to watch as his mother works herself to the bone---taking public transport at the crack of dawn to places two towns over in search of new work---and feeling absolutely and utterly helpless. unable to do anything to make any of this better. and with his grades, it's not like he's going to be the most successful businessman to ever lived anytime soon. he's wallowing in anxiety and guilt and general self-hatred and coping with it by spending even more time at the gun range and drinking his sorrow away... until one day, a woman approaches him.

offers him a down payment of---well, lets just say, a shit ton of money in exchange for a favour. that all transportation and equipment will be provided. that all he has to do is show up. and sixteen year-old curt---he's desperate. he's tired of not being able to do anything for his mom, who works so hard and deserves so much. he's tired of feeling useless and pathetic and like he'll never amount to be anything. so he takes it. and he keeps doing favours, again again, until it spirals into him being offered a job for the CIA.

this also sort of translates over to why curt idolizes and excuses so much of what his agency does, when we meet him in the show. because in all honesty---he sees them as his saviours. the agency offered him an escape out of a meaningless life. they recognized that something, inside curt, had been valuable. had wanted him, when he's probably never felt wanted ever before. they're the reason that his mother now has several huge safehouses and all the time in the world to do whatever she wants. they've done so much for curt, for his family, for his future---so they have to be good, right? what else could they be?

(of course, he doesnt realise how many strings cynthia was pulling in the background. of course, he doesn't realise the real reason they were struggling in the first place. and he never will, so deeply entrenched in propoganda, so convinced that they care about him. welp.)

[emmetrain]

OOC;; Since I am reviving the blog after a long pause on threads/interactions, here's a refresher for old and new moots on who my Emmet is:

Subway Boss of Nimbasa City, Unova. His workplace, Battle Subway, serves as a battle facility and a railway system's hub. He is both overlooking the railway system and handles the battles taking place in many subway lines, as well as being the boss of several lines people face after certain number of wins.

Very loud, kind of obnoxious man with a big heart and even bigger passion to make new friends. High intelligence, negative wisdom: he finds himself in trouble often.

Depends on the verse,but his twin brother who is also a subway boss got lost through a space-time rift and ended up in Ancient Sinnoh. Emmet did not handle the period (4 years) well, as he could not find any leads on where his brother might be.

Loves bugs, gossip, playing wingman, sweets, trains. Hates people telling him to be quiet, lies, failing when playing wingman which happens often, not being able to enjoy sweets due to being deadly allergic to various fruits.

Raised by Kalosian household which he ran away from, he is fluent in Kalosian and Unovan. He talks in other common languages of pokeverse well, except Paldean.

Has a lot of hobbies and a strict schedule where he starts his day at 4am. Likes sewing, knitting, crocheting, cooking, baking, dancing and ice-skating.

His great-great grandpa was an Ultra Human who got corrupted due to Mega energy in Kalos and turned into a Pheromosa, and still around in the Kalos mansion of Emmet's rich family. Emmet's family for the last 100 years has gone crazy thinking they were blessed/chosen etc. The existence of the poor grandpa is a well-kept family secret, even from the twins.

Due to his Ultra Human ancestry, Emmet has pale Ultra Human eyes that glows in dark.

Trans, pan. He had a lot of casual dates, but is afraid of serious relationships/commitment. Loves weddings and all the cheesy romantic stuff.

For interactions, Emmet is always ready to bother any muse and ask to be friends. You can also see the distinct feautures of Emmet that a muse might notice and make first impression on (constant smile, pale eyes, loud voice). Also, for more informed muses, this sheet on Emmet's public/semi-public info might be known.

[saintmeghanmarkle]

Did WME Create and Fabricate the 'Dior Talks' PR Campaign by u/Cocokay1234567

Did WME Create and Fabricate the 'Dior Talks' PR Campaign It has occurred to me thinking more in depth about what really went down with PR blitz back in June that TW was supposedly 'in talks' with Dior for a 'mega' brand deal. I couldn't help but wonder if WME is involved in playing the same underhanded PR game as TW when it comes to the blitz/manifestation/attaching TW to Dior. So I did some digging. According to The Sun (linked below), a Dior source came out and said "There is no truth to the claims that she will partner with the French fashion house," also a Dior insider said its team was "nonplussed as to how the story came about". Hmmm... "nonplussed"?! Meaning they were surprised and confused how this story came about? So in other words, clearly they were NOT in talks with TW or doubtful even Harry for that matter because they would have said otherwise. So the question is, how DID this story that was nothing but a massive lie come about?I suspect that early on (prior to when all the crazy PR blitz went out saying TW was in 'talks' with Dior), TW caught wind that Dior was quietly looking at royals and others for brand deals/the new face of Dior. Really, this HAD to have come directly from WME (or someone in the know) because you can be 100% assured that exclusive brands at this high level have very strict confidentiality agreements and hold this information very closely who they are considering/negotiating with so other brands don't poach before a deal is signed. So after TW found out what Dior was doing, a PR blitz campaign was launched to spin/lie that TW was being considered in talks for a 'Mega Deal' with Dior was created and launched. BUT.... Dior clapped back almost immediately and said NO, it wasn't true. Also in June, WWD (Women's Wear Daily) reported in regard to where the story came from that "The narrative spun by many news outlets was that Markle’s talent agency in Hollywood, William Morris Endeavor, was pursuing a marquee fashion deal in a bid to blunt negative publicity surrounding her and her husband’s strained relationship with the British royal family, and their split from Spotify." So, I read this as a nice way to say that WME 'created' this story to offset the negative publicity. So in other words, it is believed among the media that WME fabricated the story. So with all of that said, THEN we get the story today in Deadline that that H&M believe that RF blocked the Dior deal THAT DIOR CONFIRMED NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE. So is this WME again with today's fabricated story or is this just TW gone rogue or both? I usually believe TW goes rogue because I can't imagine such a highly well respected firm like WME would ever put out such fabricated stories and spin but I think the truth is now clear. Furthermore, what kind of firm that is supposedly one of the best talent agencies in the world would base a PR campaign on such a blatant fabrication, risking getting caught (see WWD story below) and risking working with the brand and others in the future. Did they not think Dior would immediately call Bullshit? I can't imagine Dior was happy with all of this, especially since deals had yet to be signed at that point and the stories outed that they were in negotiations. The Sun story: https://ift.tt/1VK5Hw4 Wear Daily story: https://archive.ph/kFK1j​ post link: https://ift.tt/6MUOybu author: Cocokay1234567 submitted: December 16, 2023 at 09:33PM via SaintMeghanMarkle on Reddit

[ijustliketoreadstuff]

Why Andre won’t confront Audrey and do more to confront Chloe’s behavior. (an unbiased opinion)

The Bourgeois family has had a long time standing within Miraculous Ladybug for being one of the most chaotic families in the show. Andre is the mayor of Paris but his position of power had mainly been left in the hands of his family to take advantage of and use in whatever way they wished in order to gain an upper hand over others. Those who stand against them are often times quick to abide by their demands due to the threat of them being related to the mayor of Paris. However, in “Sole Crusher”, despite Andre’s long time standing as Mayor, we do eventually come to find that he did not want to be Mayor, his passion revolved around the film industry and being a director, but due to the pressures of his family, Andre had made the decision to abandon his true self and follow a career in politics in order to earn his place within his family, something that was very concerning to hear because this had essentially revealed to us that Andre may not be happy with the life he has with his family.

Andre does not normally talk about how he feels about his family, however, over the course of the series we do see little details that give more insight to what kind of standing he has with them and what kind of person he is when it comes to dealing with them. In many ways, Andre was similar to his wife and daughter.  If the public did not provide him the respect he wanted, he would not hesitate to ridicule them as they did not share the same standing as him. He was willing to be manipulative, deceptive, and degrading when it comes to his political or personal goals. At times, he tended to care more about his wealth and prestige, but above all, he had a tendency to prioritize Chloé over the welfare of the people of Paris.

  Andre would often times lack understanding over the well being of other people if and whenever he made any decisions, be it at the request of his family or his own, before being corrected by the heroes of Paris. However, one of the most peculiar characteristics surrounding Andre would often times only appear anytime he was in a situation that led him to express a sense of struggle and frustration to maintain some level of control. In “Malediktator” and “Mega Leech”, despite his leadership title, Andre was not very proficient at talking to or reasoning with others. As Ladybug would often times inform him of his mistakes, it was as if Andre hadn’t fully realized that his methods and way of thinking were harmful to many, including himself. Ladybug would try to encourage him to re-evaluate things and be more reasonable whenever it was a public matter, and so far he has been willing to do just that. But when it came to his family, things were much more complicated.

 Knowing what his life with his family is like, his questionable behavior stemmed primarily from the need to be accepted by his family, but this ultimately led to a lack of control over himself whenever he would try to reason with his family as they threw their insults and demands his way.

      Over the seasons, Andre had  been presented as someone his family could easily mistreat without him showing much complaint about it. However, it wasn’t  until “Heart hunter” did we fully understand that he and Audrey were involved in a very toxic marriage where Audrey would maintain control over everything rather than reason with her husband and connect with him on a more emotional level.  Now, in “Miracle Queen”, even though he and Audrey had decided to take on a fresh start and forgive each other for past mistakes, their lack of progress to respect and understand one another gives the feeling that their marriage troubles would soon start all over again. In “Heart Hunter”, Audrey and Andre had expressed enough anger towards each other to agree on separating, and although they decided to stay together, their fight hints that this may not be the first time they had argued to the point of thinking about separation. 

Although their marriage has lasted 20 years, their accomplishment had nothing to do with communication or working with each other to make their marriage work, but rather by maintaining a distance between each other. With Andre in Paris and Audrey in New York, neither of them could face the reality of their unhappy marriage for to long, but now the two of them are living in Paris. Weather or not they do want to end things is still up for question, especially given their complex relationship. In order for Andre to realize that a marriage with Audrey may not be worth keeping, as it had only succeeded in bringing out the worst in each other (and their family as a whole), Audrey would need to do something far worse than cheating to finally cross a line.  Andre’s fatherly relationship with his daughter Chloe faced a similar dilemma

Throughout the series, we do learn that Chloe loves her father and he in turn will always love his daughter, but this never changed the fact that Chloe viewed her father as someone who should be devoted to doing anything she asks, no matter what it was, and never fail to make her happy no matter who he might hurt in the process. Weather or not Andre would ever make attempts to correct Chloe’s behavior is something that is still up for question. However, knowing now the kind of person he is as well as his standing within the family, and despite the few occasions he has attempted to enforce some form of discipline onto Chloe, such as in “Kung food” and “Rogercop”, Andre is simply not capable of directly dealing with his daughters behavior so long as she is in control of him and his decision making as well as his position of power, just as much as Audrey.

(Chloe sits in the mayors chair to symbolize the control she has over her father)

  Andre currently does not have the courage or the self respect that is necessary to enforce more strict discipline onto Chloe. And because of his obedient nature, he would not be able to easily take, let alone convince Chloe that therapy is best suited to deal with her current behavior, why? because Chloe would think it is unnecessary and ultimately refuse to go along with it. If she is unhappy about the situation then Andre will not face up to her and explain why something is for her own good. Chloe remains in control so long as she makes Andre believe he needs to keep her happy at all times, because if he doesn’t, it will only lead to disastrous result the moment she decides to involve Audrey. 

Given whatever situation Andre and Audrey throw themselves in, Chloe had been shown to take Audrey’s side no matter what the situation is. In turn, Audrey’s willingness to take Chloe’s side no matter the situation has now left Andre outnumbered, if Andre won’t do what Chloe asks, Audrey will simply do it in his place in someway without relying on his power as mayor.

Andre has always been willing to take whatever backlash Chloe and Audrey threw at him for both accomplishing and not accomplishing their requests, however, ever since Zoe joined the family, there has been a noticeable change in Andres patients with his families behavior. In “Queen Banana”, we see for the first time Andre express a sense of anger towards Chloe’s request to deport Zoe. If Andre was willing to lose his patients in this moment alone, it would essentially mean that Andre's patients and obedience towards his family has now begun to run thin. If he was willing to express frustration over his family once, then he will begin to express that same frustration again. 

Given Andre’s character and life, there is only so much of his families actions that he would be willing to turn a blind eye towards the more the heroes and Zoe explained and expressed how wrong he and his families actions really were. And there is only so much of his families backlash and ridicule that he will be able to take before finally reaching his limit. Despite the many expectations others have of him in terms of dealing with his families behavior, Andre is currently unsuited to do any of that no matter how much he may want to. If he were ever to make attempts to confront his families ill behavior, he would first need to take some time to rediscover his self respect and let go of his overly obedient nature before he can become the stricter parent his daughter needs and the person he needs himself to face his wife and reject the ridicule she had been throwing his way for twenty years. 

However, if neither Chloe or Audrey are willing to reflect on their actions just as Andre had done, and take his side into consideration rather than prioritize themselves, then things between all of them will sure to crumble. An estranged family is doomed to fall apart, unless they are ALL willing to change things, but lets just wait and see what the show has to say.

[thechanelmuse]

My Book Review

So I was gonna try to wait until Dec. 2nd to read this…Umm yeah, that’s too far away.

When Britney announced she was coming out with her memoir, The Woman in Me, I went from being hype to nervous once I saw the short page count: 288. That’s usually the standard size for celeb memoirs with a number of them being surface level like they were lifted from wikipedia. This is thee Britney Spears we’re talking about here.

No one should feel like they’re owed details nor allowed to pry into the lives of people who become notarized public figures simply because they are public figures. We all have a right to privacy. The thing is to be a mega star with a wild ass journey where people absorbed in greed have used you as a launchpad for their own access to (higher) fame and (your) fortune via relationships and an abusive conservatorship to you now being FREE, the only thing that came to my mind was: “How the hell is Britney going to cram all of this into 288 pages??”

Chile, did she shut me right up once those excerpts started rolling out. 

Britney’s debut album dropped when I was 11. I vividly remember going into Sam Goody ❤️ and getting my hands on that album. The same feeling I felt then is the same feeling now with this memoir. Let's see who she is (now).

The Woman in Me is a rundown of the things we already know mixed in with the unveiling of the things that we didn’t know. The most important question about her wellbeing then and now is answered at each turn: "How were/are you feeling?" The only time Britney has really come out to talk us about her private life is in defense of public media scrutiny. She’s cut from the cloth of ‘90s media training under the flashing lights of camera-toting hysteria as a paparazzi magnet. But she doesn't hold back in this memoir. We get to know her at each stage, the dynamics of her family well before she was born, the family she was born into, and the inside glimpses of what freedom is to her. 

“Raising kids in the South used to be more about respecting your parents and keeping your mouth shut.” This is the first line of chapter one. It sets the tone for this memoir thereafter. I found myself talking to this book a couple of times like you sometimes can't help but do while watching horror films. You can't help but say, "Girl, what?!" at a number of things she experienced. She really survived that.

[mariacallous]

I was grabbing a drink with an old friend when it happened. I told her I was excited about an upcoming reporting trip to Vancouver, to interview Naomi Klein. My friend wrinkled her nose, as if the bartender had just farted. Then she asked why I’d give my time to someone who thought the Covid-19 pandemic was a conspiracy.

I sighed. Turns out, she’d been thinking of Naomi Wolf.

You know Naomi Klein, right? Rabble-rousing leftist journalist and climate activist? Author of Gen X touchstone No Logo and the mega-influential The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism? Decidedly not the former liberal feminist writer turned far-out Covid truther Naomi Wolf? But just because they share a first name—and, I suppose, are both telegenic Jewish public intellectuals who found fame through polemical writing—people confuse the two Naomis constantly. Klein gets mixed up with Wolf so much, in fact, a Twitter mnemonic was born: “If the Naomi be Klein you’re doing just fine / If the Naomi be Wolf, oh, buddy. Ooooof.”

Thus the basis of Klein’s new book, Doppelganger. Writing hundreds of pages based on the Twitter discourse surrounding your evil twin is, of course, a deeply questionable choice. Klein openly admits that her family and friends questioned her sanity. As she is quick to point out, though, Doppelganger is not really about Wolf. Instead, the book uses the experience as an entry point to dissect the “intellectual and ideological mayhem” of the Covid era. How wellness entrepreneurs demonize medicine. How the far right appropriates and warps leftist talking points. How parents insist on seeing their children as reflections of themselves. In all this, Klein writes, there’s a new doubling going on—weird fun house distortions of what used to be more straightforward realities. It’s a lively, slightly unwieldy, wholly vital work. It could only be hers.

Klein moved to the Sunshine Coast of British Columbia during the pandemic, a riotously beautiful nook of that vast province, where towns are nestled into fjords. It’s a place far more likely to be visited by orcas than members of the US media, and in the interest of saving me a journey on a ferry—you can only get to her home by boat or floatplane—Klein met me at her office at the University of British Columbia, where she codirects the Centre for Climate Justice. We’d intended to stroll around the sprawling, sunny campus, but the conversation kept such an intense clip, we ended up simply sitting for hours.

Kate Knibbs: Doppelganger is much more personal than your previous work. Why?

Naomi Klein: I thought it was really important not to be on the outside of this story, but to be inside, to fess up to my own disorientation. Having a doppelganger who a lot of people confuse me with is a type of losing oneself, and it provided a toehold into this larger and more interesting set of feelings, of being lost in a world we might not recognize.

You listened to conspiratorial podcasts for research, including Steve Bannon’s. Were you ever worried you’d get lost in those worlds?

I felt that way the first time I went to a climate change denial conference. I was a tiny bit worried I would start to doubt my own understanding of the science by listening to them. But the exact opposite happened, because it was so completely incoherent. One guy says it’s getting cooler. Another says it’s getting hotter—but the sunspots! Another guy says everyone should just get air-conditioning. That’s what it’s like listening to Bannon or any of those “intellectual dark web” types. You can see it right now with RFK Jr. He’s saying Covid was a bioweapon. This is also the guy who told people not to wear masks, not to lock down, not to get vaccinated. So which is it? Occasionally Bannon would have someone on who would claim that people were just dropping dead from the vaccine.

Like the whole #DiedSuddenly thing?

Exactly. What you start to realize is that these people are acting as if we were immortal before Covid. As if no one died from anything. What worries me more isn’t that I’m going to start thinking that the vaccines are killing us or anything like that. It’s that I understand why the things he’s doing are so resonant.

Why are they so resonant?

This is Bannon’s gift, sorry to say, and it’s how Trump won in 2016: by identifying a bloc of Democratic voters who had been screwed over by the party because they lost jobs to corporate free trade deals. So the offer was a counterfeit version of the left, which is what right-wing populism does. They were not rewriting trade deals in any significant way that would help workers. They were offering huge gifts to the already wealthy through tax cuts. But when people are desperate enough, they’ll go for a counterfeit.

I have someone close to me who has definitely bought into that counterfeit populism. It’s been hard to watch the change take place.

I’ve had so many conversations with people describing that feeling. It’s like watching Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

But I suppose we all have many competing, constantly mutating versions of ourselves. How do you think about your public persona now?

When we think about performing ourselves, we think about social media. For me, that’s Twitter [since renamed X]. And right now I don’t think any of us feel in control of whatever the fuck is happening on Twitter. But we’re still there, hoping to recapture something. I hope my relationship to my public persona is like my relationship with Twitter. I’m not really trying anymore.

Do you think there’s a way for you to have a conversation like this that’s truly authentic, or are you in some sense creating a doppelganger version of yourself to promote the book?

There’s always going to be some contradictions involved in hawking a book when you’re an anti-capitalist author. I’ve been living with that contradiction for a long time. I find talking to people exciting. I have ideas that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I had the idea to write No Logo while I was doing an interview with a student journalist.

Are your students influential in other ways?

One of the really nice things about being on campuses right now is that, if I was just getting my sense of youth culture through media, I’d think that all young people are constantly posing and performing themselves on Instagram. But it’s definitely a minority. A lot of young people feel alienated from it.

I get a lot of youth culture tidbits from my babysitter, which is how I know that super polished and posed Instagram photos are seen as a geriatric millennial thing.

They want it to look really authentic, to be messy.

I reread No Logo recently. It holds up.

Maybe not the Blockbuster references!

Honestly, we need to bring back your concept of selling out. I got in a lot of trouble on Twitter a few months ago for saying the Barbie movie looked bad. I love Greta Gerwig, but I don’t want to like Barbie! I hate the idea of a Mattel Cinematic Universe.

The thing that’s so clever is that it’s shiny and pretty enough to get the normie Barbie fans, but it also has so-called subversive content for the people who don’t want to like Barbie. It’s genius marketing. But the world is fraying. It’s an odd time for us to get excited about pink plastic.

Probably an odd time for me to be really annoyed about it, too.

No, I think it’s time to have some standards again.

Do you ever think about returning to that mode of criticism?

Just to keep you company?

To keep me company, and because efforts to turn cinema and television into capital-B Brands—the Marvel Cinematic Universe, most infamously—are so much more flagrant than before.

And also to keep us in our childhoods in a strange way. This is not kid content, it’s adult content, but it’s feeding on nostalgia for being 8 years old.

What’s a recent movie you liked?

Despite the critics hating it, I thought Don’t Look Up was brilliant. It was taking aim at the culture of narcissism and distraction at this most critical moment. It was broad, like all of Adam McKay’s comedies. But that was not the problem. The problem was that it was right.

Doesn’t everyone die at the end?

That’s the best part. He fucked with the Judeo-Christian trope that the righteous will be saved.

I do think it was broad.

Well, Anchorman is broad!

True. But I don’t necessarily want my comedy to be didactic. I just really don’t want it to be branded content from Mattel. There’s this amazing Canadian filmmaker, Sarah Polley, and she’s doing a live-action Bambi.

My grandpa worked on the original Bambi. He was an animator.

I read about this. Didn’t he get fired for trying to unionize?

He did. And they had the first strike at Disney during the production of Dumbo.

Have you been paying attention to the strike wave happening?

It’s exciting. I’m really glad that there’s the focus on AI.

What else interests you politically, right now?

I think it’s important to think about where the Covid denialism energy is going now that there aren’t vaccine mandates. It’s morphing, going in new directions, and it’s important to try and follow that.

Which new directions?

There are two main wellsprings the Covid denialism movement drew from. One was the anti-vax people. The other group was climate deniers. Now, when you post anything about climate change, you’ll get hit with “Davos elites, Great Reset.”

When we were talking earlier about how people take leftist ideas and make counterfeit versions of them, I was thinking about how that happened to the shock doctrine—your idea that global elites use disasters to push brutal policies to benefit themselves at the expense of the masses. People co-opted the concept to talk about the Great Reset, saying there was a global conspiracy to use Covid to strip away personal freedoms. Has this changed your relationship to your own ideas? Do you feel less ownership over them?

I’ve never felt I had that much control over my ideas in the culture. I remember Arundhati Roy saying to me many years ago, we can’t control what our words do once we release them. I have tried to correct the record and do my own writing about what I think the shock doctrine is and isn’t, but I think I’ve always felt a bit of detachment around it.

Jane Fonda started her Fire Drill Fridays because of you.

That was just getting somebody at the right moment of receptivity. That’s what Jane did. I take no credit.

Do you believe in the horseshoe theory? Are the people on the far left swinging far right because they’re attracted to conspiratorial thinking about Covid?

There are some people who have decided that Tucker Carlson is a great guy and Trump’s better than Biden. But most of those people I wouldn’t consider very left-wing. Someone like Glenn Greenwald. For a while, he seemed to be a left-wing person because he was against the Patriot Act and the Iraq War. But he was a libertarian upset about Bush-era government overreach. So it makes sense, when a government has to robustly respond to a pandemic, that a lot of those people got upset. I know some of these people—Matt Taibbi and Glenn Greenwald—I know that they are not deep left thinkers. We have to make the distinction.

Do you think there’s an incentive to shift rightward now to bolster one’s personal brand online?

Yes.

Could there be a positive incentive the other way? Is it possible to build up an ecosystem of independent leftist outlets?

Remember that idea? We need to invest in media, and not be reliant on quixotic billionaires to find one another. I think we need to get serious about independent alternative media and local media.

Meaning, like, a new Twitter?

The problem with something like Mastodon or the smaller Twitter competitors is that they’re not able to offer what Twitter did at its best, which was this feeling of we’re all having one conversation together.

I don’t know if there will ever be one main conversation again.

I wish Twitter could’ve been turned into a co-op. This is labor we’ve put into this thing. We all wrote for free!

A lot.

There was always something self-exploiting about that. Sure, we were able to share our articles and do self-promotion, but I always knew they were going to try to charge us. It’s too valuable.

There’s a co-op movement for media startups, where the writers own their outlets, but I haven’t seen the same thing happen for social media.

And the thing happening now with AI—it was one thing for all of us to be writing for free for Zuckerberg and Musk, but now it turns out that all of that content is being used to create doppelgangers of us by AI companies. Now that’s going to be used to put people out of work, or cheapen their labor.

It’s accelerating so rapidly. Big outlets are already putting out AI-generated articles.

This relates back to conspiracies and why they’re spreading as quickly as they are. It’s a dangerous time to give people more reasons not to believe what’s in front of them. Anything you’re shown now can be dismissed as fake news. “It’s not even Biden, it’s AI.” We’re barely glimpsing the ramifications.

In Doppelganger, you wrote about a South Korean politician who used AI to look younger.

The thing about the Korean example is, it was not hidden. Everyone knew. And it worked for him. So who knows? As our candidates get older, they may rely on AI doppelgangers. It’s being packaged as a way to reach younger voters, because they prefer synthetic reality.

Have you had discussions with your students about AI? Do they actually prefer synthetic reality? 

Last semester, ChatGPT was really everywhere, and we were discussing how they were not using it to write their essays. I think we’ve overfocused on the plagiarism piece of things. It’s just one element within a completely unstable and frightening future. Maybe it’s helpful writing essays, but they also know it’s replacing entire sectors they may have been preparing for—between not being able to afford living in the city to the acceleration of the climate crisis to AI changing the job market.

I’m aware of at least one podcasting company hoping to use AI to translate podcasts into a bunch of different languages. It sounds cool, but then you think: What about translators?

The thing I find disingenuous is when you hear, oh, we’re going to have so much leisure time, the AI will do the grunt work. What world are you living in? That’s not what happens. Fewer people will get hired. And I don’t think this is a fight between humans and machines; that’s bad framing. It’s a fight between conglomerates that have been poisoning our information ecology and mining our data. We thought it was just about tracking us to sell us things, to better train their algorithms to recommend music. It turns out we’re creating a whole doppelganger world.

We’ve provided just enough raw material.

When Shoshana Zuboff wrote The Age of Surveillance Capitalism, it was more about convincing people who’d never had a sense that they had a right to privacy—because they’d grown up with the all-seeing eye of social media—that they did have a right to privacy. Now it’s not just that, even though privacy is important. It’s about whether anything we create is going to be weaponized against us and used to replace us—a phrase that unfortunately has different connotations right now.

Take it back! The right stole “shock doctrine,” you can nab “replace us” for the AI age.

These companies knew that our data was valuable, but I don’t even think they knew exactly what they were going to do with it beyond sell it to advertisers or other third parties. We’re through the first phase now, though. Our data is being used to train the machines.

Fodder for a Doppelganger sequel.

And about what it means for our ability to think new thoughts. The idea that everything is a remix, a mimicry—it relates to what you were talking about, the various Marvel and Mattel universes. The extent to which our culture is already formulaic and mechanistic is the extent to which it’s replaceable by AI. The more predictable we are, the easier it is to mimic. I find something unbearably sad about the idea that culture is becoming a hall of mirrors, where all we see is our own reflections back.

You reached out to Naomi Wolf and she didn’t respond. If she had responded, would you want to debate her?

I think it’s important to engage with what’s being said and marshal counterfacts. But the idea of just sneering at people is dangerous. I think we do need to debate, but whether that means creating some kind of theatrical Naomi vs. Naomi spectacle—I don’t know about that.

You could be second billing to Musk vs. Zuckerberg.

Anyway, as you know from reading the book, it’s not really about her. She’s just a case study. I follow her down the rabbit hole. But I’m more interested in the rabbit hole.

[yandereorg]

Feeling nashty

Clark in a messy love affair with a coworker. They didn’t know about his previous marriage. Or that it dissolved the second he found out they despised cheaters. He of course tried to end things peacefully so his sweet little bird wouldn’t catch wind. He knows his interest in them wasn’t very discreet. It’s very rare that Clark Kent was a discreet man.

He loved to watch their interviews. They had a way of bringing a topic or person to life in their interviews. A cute and young intern that would throw pool parties with puppies and talk about any and everything while getting Princes and Queens to tell a story or answer questions. It was rare for them to refuse to work with anyone. They interviewed celebs, heroes, neighborhood shops (while stuffing their cute lil cheeks with food or petting the local pet) even villains would have a blast. Lex Luther and Joker would go on to put protection on the charmer. Keeping them and their family safe. If anyone disrupted their life they’d have an obituary the next day.

Clark would br surprised to see them in tears. They had to interview with a celebrity. A notorious flirt that enjoyed pretty woman and extra-marital affairs. They tried not too! Begging anyone to take this one but the man was adamant he wanted their interview. Wondering how they would treat them. Color the world shocked when they had a rather dry interview where that creep would flirt and try to touch them. On live television the poor dear was visibly becoming more upset and disgusted. When he tried to remark on their beauty the darling happily remark that his wife was a beautiful woman. Asking about his family. Grilling him away from flirting with them. Clark may have broken a lighting rod to get the interview wrapped up and returning to regular news.

When they find him awkwardly trying to repair it they laugh and give him an awkward little hug. A thank you for being their clumsy savior. He liked this hug. He didn’t have to masquerade for this one. It was meant for him! Somethings lead to another and Clark is it their place rearranging their guts on their (now demolished) sofa.

Of course they don’t immediately start dating, sorry Clark. He still hasn’t explained he was freshly divorced only a few weeks ago. He didn’t know what the waiting time was to not seem weird. Jon had no answers, just a curious side eye before asking his bestfriend who grumbled ‘how in the 9 gates of hell would I know that, Kent?’

This didn’t deter him from finding any and every opportunity to stuff the little reporter. At least if they weren’t dating he could assure they needed only him for release. Which wasn’t that hard when you’re built like a tank and as disastrously pent up as Clark was.

Their friendship had quickly devolved to Fuck Buddies. Fucking anywhere he could get his hands on them. Public outings to stake out a scoop would include sloppy car rides while Clark took notes. Cute dinner dates with surprise table head would get a new bed ordered the next morning.

Clark is happy to (as the younger interns would say) slut them out! Especially when Clark would cuddle them and comfort them when a missed cycle and positive test said his plan worked

-lil baby anon

I love you!!! But have u considered a poly w lois and clark?? like maybe s/o was like a mega fan of Lois and Clark is like omg they're are pretty gotta have em n lois is like mine?? ours??? and you know Lois is luring you into a false sense of security/comfort. Imagine laying besides lois and she's sweet talking them, and praising them for how well they take clark and showering them in affections so when Clark discards his condom you don't notice