#rant and mental illness talk but my dad is so mad at me for going to the concerts when i knew there was a high chance of catching covid

[sweetandsavageautistic]

(CW: Exhaustion rant, feeling invalidated, dysfunctional family, guilt-tripping)

I’ve been trying to stick to a schedule for a voice-acting project that I’m behind on and I’m starting to follow it; while I was editing up the part I planned to get done and send in today, my dad told me to watch the dog. I told him I was busy and he got mad at me, saying I don’t help around the house. He recognizes that the schedule I’m setting is something, but he always follows it up with “but....” I kind of feel like things I do have a tendency to fall on the back burner in favor of helping the family, but what if I put a dish in the wrong spot? What if I can’t fit something somewhere?

I’m tired of them asking me if I can do something, but having it not really be a question because there’s apparently a right answer.

I’m tired of them asking me if I want to do something and me saying no, then them asking me why not and when I answer, they get upset.

I’m tired of asking someone to go somewhere else to give me alone time to give me space for my mental health, realizing it may be a bit unreasonable, and then asking this instead:

[Photo ID: Text message in green saying “At the very least, can you stay there until about at least 10:30/10:45 or so, strongly preferably the latter? I’m not someone who can decompress quickly.

Text message in white, denoting a response from someone else, saying “Probably, but please think would you do that for me?”

Text message in green from the phone owner saying “So is that a yes or no?”

Text message in white, denoting a response from someone else, saying “I’m leaving soon but that’s mean Ill either be back at 10:30 or later.”

Text message in white, denoting a response from someone else, saying “But im upset you would ask that but no do that for me” Photo ID end]

I’m tired of confronting them about that and telling them it felt guilt-trippy only for them to turn it around and tell me that me telling them that something is for my mental health is the ultimate guilt-tripping phrase because it places the responsibility of someone’s mental health on another person.

I’m tired of someone in my family asking me how I am and my gut response being “what do you want?” because I’m so used to that being the reason they say hi to me.

I’m tired of my family seeing me as selfish for not wanting to spend time with them instead of trying to talk to me about why I feel that way.

I’m tired of my family getting upset at me for my chronic escapism instead of trying to talk to me about why it’s happening so much.

I’m tired of my twin sister micromanaging me on outings and vacations.

I’m tired of being told things like I can’t request songs like Solovey by go_a or songs from Ride the Cyclone on a song request sheet at a wedding because apparently I’m only supposed to request “basic wedding songs.”

I’m tired of feeling like I don’t know who I am some days and instead I just borrow who I am from fictional characters to make up for what social skills classes stole from me.

I’m tired of sacrificing my sleep schedule because it’s quieter at night and no one is awake to tell me what to do.

I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one in the house without any sense of power or control.

I’m tired of feeling so out of place at parties. 

I’m tired of feeling like the tolerated friend, the one no one wants to actually form a close bond with, just to casually talk with.

I’m tired of feeling like I need to bottle up my emotions and my anger because I’m scared of confrontation.

I’m tired of people trying to push against any boundaries I may have set.

I’m tired of relying on allowance as my only source of income: If you want me to commission some writing, this exists. Please help me; I’m tired of relying solely on my parents for money: https://www.fiverr.com/lydialuna?up_rollout=true

I’m tired of feeling like every little mistake is going to make them upset and make them cut my allowance again.

I’m just.....tired....

[greatfruitboo22]

I'm going to rant because I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to about anything, really. I don't have money for a therapist, and I don't want to be a burden. I have been struggling and honestly the urge to just disappear is so fucking strong. First my mental health is pure shit right now. My depression at an all time high. All I want to do is is sleep. I have no motivation to eat, or do anything honestly. I can't sleep through the night. The only peace I have, no people to bother me and no one to prove myself to. Then I sleep all day, avoiding my responsibilities and others. I know part of it is because of my ADHD and Autism. Which until recently, I didn't realize I had both. And when I talk about it, I just get push back from my mom saying, "You aren't autistic I would know if you were. Or It only works if you have an official diagnosis, "but that means that it could be used against me because it's on a document that others can see. And that scares me. There are still so many places and people who use that against you. I'm scared that while I'm re-learning how to function without masking and not pushing myself back into burnout that someone will use it against me. I have gone back to a dark place where I want to die because I have lost my footing, and because I don't know where I'm going, it feels like a never-ending pit. I feel nothing and everything all at once. I don't feel like I have support anymore. Since my burnout, I quit my job that I liked because I couldn't handle being a mask, and getting statements like your face needs to show more emotion. I'm sorry that in order for me to function, I can't make faces. I don't want to smile to appease someone. Because I left that job, I have no money, one of my accounts negative, and when I think I fix it, it just gets worse. I started a new job, got two weeks in, and missed an entire week because all I could do was sleep. Depression isn't a real illness, so why did I miss it right? Jobs don't allow for mental illness days. Only sick days. But I am sick. Mental illness is a sickness of the brain. My brain that tells me these people can hear you make calls, they are judging you. They make fun of you behind your back. People are hard for me. I want friends, and I want to be kind, but eye contact makes me anxious, talking makes me anxious, and keeping conversations makes me anxious. I get anxious getting out of bed each day. I get anxious about eating in front of people. It's overwhelming. I am also dysforic. I started using they/them pronouns about a year ago, and only like five people in my life made an actual effort to use them. I am non-binary and while I still prefer femme presenting, I don't feel like a female. My family won't use my pronouns. My dad was confused and didn't try. My mom gets mad when I correct her. So many times I say those aren't my pronouns I get back no one will use those for you, how do others know, you aren't correcting them, you are my daughter. My aunt barely accepts I'm bisexual. My sister tried for a little while but stopped when it got too hard for her. I just want to feel like me in my skin. I am dealing with weight gain due to PCOS, and I hate it. I feel like I can't lose any weight. I want to live somewhere without the rest of my family, but I cannot physically afford to live on my own. Everything is so expensive. It feels like all these things are just piling on, and I want it to stop. I want to feel some freedom. I feel so isolated in the place I am in right now. Everyone around me is growing up and moving on. I don't feel like I have friends anyone. I don't know who is there anymore. Not that I would ever say anything about how I feel. I just wish I could breathe.

[compassionatereminders]

vent about my mothers ocd and anger issues

okay so my moms ocd and anger issues are causing huge problems in my family and its really bothering me. Like she will not take respondibility for her rituals when its clearly hurting people around her and she wants us all to do things her way, and if we do it our way or if we make any mistakes or we are not going fast enough like she does she gets Extremely angry at us and Extremely petty and says how we are incompetent and useless and acts like we are the worst people alive for making tiny mistakes.

and if any of us say How we feel about it she just goes "well do it right the first time and i wont get mad" she also hates when any of us show feelings and does not care whatsoever about it and is very emotionally distant towards everyone.

It also Bothers me that she picks fights with my dad a lot when all hes trying to do is Help her,

for example he tried to help by making dinner because she was saying she had a lot to do and she got Angry at him and was being really petty and giving him the silent treatment. He asked whats wrong and she said nothing and he kept trying to get her to talk to him because he doesnt know why she was angry at him and he wanted to know how he could make it better because she does not talk/communicate at all to him when shes angry and as soon as he went outside she started to rant about how he whines too much and how hes a little bitch.

It gets under my skin but if i say anything about her she'll get on me and go "oh i guess since im such a horrible person fuck you" or some variation of it and ill feel guilty as fuck because i never said that. All i want her to do is to actually talk to my dad and communicate and explain things to people and fucking have a conversation and get her anger issues/OCD under control bc it makes everyone miserable to have to hear fighting for teo weeks straight/have angry tension consistently and having everyone tiptoe around her when shes in a mood. Its a constant gussing game constantly with her and no one knows what she wants or what mood she'll be in and it affects everyone and im sick of it and if i had the money rn i would move out in a heartbeat.

Am i in the wrong for thinking any of this?

No, you're not in the wrong for being upset that your mom is taking her mental health issues out on you in this manner, especially if you can't even have a constructive conversation with her about what's happening and what to do about it. It's not her fault that she has OCD, but it's her responsibility to work on it. And if she isn't doing that, you're allowed to be upset. She's an adult and she shouldn't be acting like this no matter how mentally ill she is.

[valleyfae]

this is soooo random but baby i agree so much with this i could speak on it forever, it's so difficult since alot of people have completely ruined or changed the meaning of the term or glamorized it, it's like they automatically assume daddy issues means that you like older men or lana del rey when it simply means you have a terrible or strained relationship with your father and it's so frustrating because the people who throw that word around when they don't realize the actual meaning of it have completely turned us into a joke, it's so annoying? they use it like a lil jokey joke or punchline and our actual experiences feel invalidated 😞 even worse when they shame us for having it like it was our fault in the first place :/

i'm so sorry about the rant 💔 i wish it was different ugh

No need to apologize. I understand and am about to rant and get mad under the cut lol. I am sending you lots and lots of hugs. I’m here if you need anything <3

Also, the second I open Pinterest this is the first thing that pops up. How ironic…

I love Lana with every organ in my body and have nonstop listened to her since I was 11.

I am in no way bashing people who use the term "daddy issues" because I certainly have and do, but sometimes it’s very frustrating.

Jung's and Freud's theories about having a "father complex" were accurate. The father complex was initially described as: "a person who has unconscious impulses and associations as a result of a poor relationship with their father" and "the psychological challenges resulting from an absent or abnormal relationship with one's father, often manifesting in a distrust of, or sexual desire for, men who act as father figures." But the meaning has completely shifted and is now simply associated with the song, ldr, and liking older men.

Celebrities and regular people need to be distinguished when talking about older men. There is a difference between having a crush on Chris Evans and feeling emotionally attached to an older man in your life who acts as a father figure. Having a crush on an older celebrity doesn’t automatically mean you have daddy issues.

People need to stop thinking that being abused is pretty. It disgusts me how people flaunt that they have "daddy issues" like it's something they chose and want. I hate how people joke about being abused, "how horrible their dad is/was," or minimizing ptsd like it’s not debilitating.

I feel that daddy issues is now used as either a mocking insult, joke, or the "I’m so broken and misunderstood and corky." Having a bad relationship with your father or being abused in general should never be put on the victim, no matter gender, race, anything.

Even when I was 13 and no one knew my situation but one friend who found out and started treating me like a mentally ill unstable girl who couldn’t do anything for herself, people would make fun of me and tell me I had daddy issues. It was very frustrating because they had no clue about the abuse I was going through, and it felt like they were saying it because of certain traits I had, but mainly because I was close to one of my teachers, who was 50 and had kids my age. I was always in his classroom. I was and continued to be "friends" with and had a close relationship for a long time. My friends always said I was fucking him, which made me feel fucking disgusting. One, because I had a subconscious sexual attraction to him that I couldn't control and was ashamed of. But two, he was kind of like a dad to me.

Personally, physical abuse isn’t the worst part because it’s somewhat temporary, but feeling like I’m insane and everything is my fault is the worst part. People who mock and use the term daddy issues like it is something cute continue to make me feel insane.

I've been biting my tongue my whole life and just want to scream at people lol

[alloutshirt]

/

[naked-and-worrying]

August 27, 2021/9:24pm

DISCLAIMER: Therapy is an important part of the healing process, and I highly recommend seeing a trained mental health professional that will help you process the things that are hurting you.

TRIGGER WARNING: Mental health, abuse, rape, sexual assault

Ladies, gents, and all you other cool cats:

I didn't go to the in-person med doctor appointment. I got a call back from my PCP and she said that she can do a telehealth appointment with me on Monday, and I am done with the program that I had been doing.

I deserve better than what I was getting. And you do too if you need it. Remember that...

There is something else that is on my mind right now, and I have to get it our or I am going to explode.

Sister E, left her children alone (1-1/2-year-old niece and 1-1/2-month-old nephew...) to wander off to have "relations" with some random guy. Or I thought that he was random, let me get to that in a minute...

So, baby daddy, who is also her boyfriend at the time...

Goes out, finds her, brings her back to their house. And kicks her ass out.

Do I feel bad for her? No. Do I think he was too hard on her? No.

Within a month, she was engaged to another guy, they are "trying" to get pregnant, and she is a b****.

She has moved to a different state, told everyone that she was going to forcibly take my niece and nephew away from their dad, had her friends threaten him. And when they did, they also threatened his family and his kids. Like, wtf???

They're babies and innocent people. I feel like I literally cannot explain what these people said that they would do. It is too horrible.

Anyway, she calls/texts/etc. my phone all day yesterday, and part of this morning. I had told our mother that I was not going to talk to Sister E for a while. Told her that I was too mad.

This happening after Sister E broke our mother down to tears on the phone with her, and asking her what kind of mother was she to let Sister E get mental illnesses.

She called our mother out for being a bad mom but honestly sees no fault in her own failures as a parent.

Anyway, off-topic again. She claims that after seeing a therapist at a walk-in mental health clinic ONE TIME, she was diagnosed schizophrenic. ONE VISIT.

It took 2 years to even get my "psychotic features" diagnosed. Another 2 to get the proper diagnosis of Borderline.

And then, Sister E has the audacity to tell me that I am our mother's favorite and that she thinks that mother loves all of us more than her. Huge pity party and she doesn't seem to understand that it is HIGHLY unlikely that an actual, professional doctor, gave her that diagnosis after one walk-in visit.

End rant.

Much Love!!

[themoonmoonfan]

I'm so ANGRY!!! I don't know why. Just everything I guess. I'm trying to find a job before pua stops so I can continue to afford my place. I've been looking, and I never hear back. I'm feeling forgotten about by friends. I'm mad at myself because I feel like I drive them away. I dibt try to. I'm mad that I can't let go of the past. Of my family neglecting me while my mom was drinking herself into oblivion, step dad fucked a 13 year old while on meth, and gave her meth too. Mom is better now, and step dad is in prison, but I haven't moved past it. In that time, I had to become scarily numb to survive. Living with bio dad and step mom wasn't much better. Bio dad was a scary man. He only put his hands on me twice. But he was cruel in other ways. He gaslighted everyone. My aunts and uncles would visit, and they worried for me. I thought he was normal. Wrong. I still have trouble admitting that he was like that, and that I didn't deserve it. He broke me, and all I see in me is bad. They all invalidated what they put me through. Bio dad went so far as to say I had no mental illnesses, even though I had been diagnosed with them. I'm not going too in depth into what they really put me through. Then I went to job corps, and I met a friend. I'll call her T. She made me feel cared about, something I hadn't felt in a long time. She had me wrapped around her finger. We stayed in contact after we left job corps. She lived two hours away from me. She started using my feelings for her to manipulate me into giving her money. Was never there like a friend should be. Also invalidated how I felt, and shut down all my concerns, yelled at me for them. When I made a big mistake, we stopped talking for almost a year. Right before that though, she told me she hopes I die. Still, when she came back into my life, I stupidly let her. In less than a month, she got 3000 out of me. My mom, who I saw as completely untrustworthy, warned me that I was being used. Yet I didn't listen. I went to stay with T when I had nowhere to go. I ordered her a little gift off etsy. And when it arrived, it came with an extra gift we didn't know would be in there. A fake ass tarot card based on an anime. T knew I had no clue it would be in there, yet decided to accuse me of putting a spell on her. So we argued, and things got physical. She grabbed me by my hair and drug me to the stairs. She pushed new down them. I ended up in the shelter. I've never really had anyone who genuinely gave a fuck. I thought I did, and was proven wrong every time. I'm worried I'm being proven wrong again. I mean, my best friend blocked me in everything. My counselor suggested I try shadow work. So I looked it up. I barely read anything before I got angry. All I read was letting go of shame and accepting your shadow. And I got so mad. I cried, I wanted to punch things, rip things apart, destroy my phone, pull my own hair out, and scream. I don't know why I got so mad. I feel the same way whenever I even think about trying meditation. Just needed to rant. Doubt anyone will read this.

[watchinglikeafangirl]

This is going to be a very unusual post but I currently found myself in situations surrounding that topic and it's something I think shouldn't stay hidden or a secret. I like open debates about it, inform people who really want to know and don't rant about weird questions because they can't know.

Warning: this post will be about cancer and since this is a very sensitive topic and if you don't find yourself in the right mind of dealing with this, you can skip.

It's not that this post will be extremely sad or upsetting but maybe someone lost a loved one recently to this illness and it might remind them of dark times.

Let me just start here. I call myself Nila or Schneemilee when I'm on the internet and I'm not saying my true name here either. I'm 18 years old now and I survived cancer at a very young age. 15 months to be precise, so I don't remember anything about that time. My brain just shuts these memories out and I have no access to them. To be honest, I don't want to know. Everyone keeps telling me I'm better off with not knowing and I chose to believe them. It's probably really for the best.

I had leukaemia and I don't know the english medical term for the version I had, so I'll stick to the overall term. If you wonder if I'm fine, I can ensure you I am. Physically and mentally. I don't have a hard time talking about it. It doesn't make me sad or fragile. It's not a weight on my shoulders. Probably because it still doesn't quite feel like I'm talking about myself. I only know everything about the whole process because my parents told me, so I have a very distant perspective on my past because I don't know how it felt for me, how it felt inside me.

I went to the doctor this year and he told my mother only 500 kids get sick with leukaemia each year in Germany, so I just had really bad luck. We went home and told my dad and that was one of the few moments I realized how heavy that time must have felt because he was very mad at the world, saying stuff like "two years of our lives taken away just because of bad luck". He couldn't believe it. He was the one who went to the hospital with me everyday to watch these weird-colored and toxic medications flow into me and weaken me further and further. I lost the ability to walk for a long time. I got it back eventually and sometimes, I still feel something's not right when I walk, but only in few situations.

Do you know the test doctors sometimes do when they hit your knee with a hammer made of rubber? Your leg usually flies up - yeah, mine doesn't at all. I don't have reflexes in my knees and I only feel the difference to others when I walk in sand or on snow. Then I'm very slow and unstable and just want to leave the scenery.

But yeah, since I survived cancer so early in my life, I'm kind of sure nothing bad will come for me for a while now. I never had bad luck afterwards but it will probably happen when I don't expect it. It's like destiny knows it was already enough damage and suffering.

Cancer is sadly not a rare sickness in my family. I lost both grandmas to it and my grandpa and grand-grandpa have it. Yeah, my family has tough times. But I'm not afraid of cancer. Yes, it is a terrifying sickness and a horribly long process of healing but since I survived, I don't see it as an ending. For many people, cancer has much to do with death and they have every reason to. Many people die of cancer. But since I recovered just fine, I don't see death in the diagnosis. It's just my own experience.

And it's not like I don't take cancer seriously but since I can't remember it and didn't understand it as well (I was one year old after all), I have a distance towards my past. I only realize what a hardship it was when I tell people for the first time or go to a new doctor and they look at me in shock and say something like "welcome back to life" or "I'm sorry". Only then it hits me, the weight of it all. But it's gone the next moment. I don't let my past touch me. Where would that take me? It wouldn't bring me good.

It was enough of a trauma that I can't stand the smell of desinfection at all. The only smell that gives me the creeps without me knowing why. Probably something my brain remembers. But I really can't stand it and when my friends use some desinfection next to me, I get up and go a few steps away. I don't know. It doesn't make me want to throw up but it feels like dark memories awakening and I get scared immediatly.

I think it is important to talk about cancer not in a sad way because cancer doesn't mean the end of life. I'm not saying it's not a dark time. But you can recover, leave it behind and live again. I live with this knowledge that I could get a heart disease at the age of 40, that I have a higher risk of getting too-high blood pressure and that I could be infertile sooner than normal. But that's okay because I get to live. See the hope. I want you to see there's always hope.

[skimmilk11]

:0 angsty back story for kaiji,, could we see?

oof so

manga spoilers I guess??

I was thinking about how Kajii could have ever gotten into a situation where he was exposed to a bomb as a civilian, much less a lemon-shaped one? Yes, it’s possible that he was exposed to one after he became a member of the Port Mafia, but it would be strange for the Port Mafia to take in someone who, as far as they know, doesn’t have an ability, especially with Kajii’s, uh, eccentricities. The Port Mafia, as Mori has stressed multiple times, is, first and foremost a gifted organization. Almost every position of power in the mafia is occupied by ability users, save Gin and Tachihara(;)), who more than make up for it with great skill at their weapons. The only non-ability users are the grunts, and I doubt Kajii could ever be a good and obedient henchman.

Kajii, while talking to Yosano, describes death as something to admire and study, as the apex of science. We see two other characters in Bungou Stray Dogs who are obsessed with death- Dazai, whose mental health is the ditch and witnessed the death of one of the only few people he cared out, and Fyodor, whose ability revolves around death and probably affected his life greatly. But why is Kajii, who could probably lived the rest of his life as a normal civilian, obsessed with death? Besides, he’s an physicist- not even a doctor like Mori, and you don’t see Mori ranting about death. Idk, but to me, Kajii wanting to dissect what he sees as the ‘apex of science’ almost seems like a coping mechanism. This led me to believe that, as a child, he experienced death firsthand in traumatic incident in which he discovered his ability, before he joined the Port Mafia, which also hurt his mental health. Kajii’s ability really has astounding potential for survivor’s guilt. In his talk with Yosano, he also questions why death is, ultimately, completely unavoidable, asking why everyone has to eventually die- very sus. Why is lemon boy, who is, on all counts, presented as a simple-minded unhinged manchild, so fixated on the irreversibility of death? 

Also, why is Kajii so loud, playful, immature, and theatrical? It’s not something you’d expect from a mafia member almost thirty years old. Something- some trauma, coping mechanism, etc may have hurt his mature. Or, I mean, it could just be that he’s really self-confident like Ranpo.

Okay, so the actual headcanons! Misfortune seems to dog all ability users, so Kajii is no exception. (; (Do we know a single parent of an ability user who’s still alive?)

Kajii was raised by a single father, who worked at a factory! They had a close relationship, and his father inculcated his love of science, who, in turn, loves science because of his mother, who was a science teacher. She died when Kajii was two when a bus blew up. Kajii’s grandfather, on the other hand, was a baker, who specialized in lemon tart! They do a lot of science experiments together! His grandpa’s friend is also a scientist, and shows him around the college lab where he studies. Kajii’s grandfather died of leukemia when Kajii was six, but taught him how to make a semi-decent lemon tart before. His grandfather’s friend drifts away. 

 So, all Kajii had now was his father. At age nine, in a Leo Valdez-esque tragedy, he was helping out his father finish things up in the factory. He was in the office, his dad in another room for one last check when a machine blows up due to a mechanical failure.

Kajii is far enough to survive, but his dad dies. Injured, he runs away, and when he finds out the police are looking for him, he immediately thinks they think he was the one who set off the explosion and is scared farther into hiding.

Instead of joining a gang of some sort, he ends up sort of stealing food(mostly lemons) from an old physics professor, and keeping off boredom by reading his books. He notices and invites him in. Kajii refuses and runs away, afraid that it’s a trap.

Then, what do you know?? He finds a lab belonging to the Port Mafia, and in all his love for science, breaks in and snoops. Kajii is caught, and, like Tachihara, is forced to join the Port Mafia. But he’s not too mad. He has a home, and some friends. Life is good.

But the Port Mafia is, obviously, not a good environment for a preteen to grow up in. He’s forced to kill people. It disturbs him, and he disassociates, making the deaths as flamboyant as possible. He chafes against authority and severely reprimanded for his carefree ways, but it’s still not too bad. He’s sometimes allowed to experiment in the science labs, after his affinity for it is discovered.

Then, Kajii is eleven when the Lime Bomber shows up. The Lime Bomber is from a rival underground organization who wants to take revenge against the hawkish Port Mafia leader(remember, this is before Mori) while he’s rumored to have become sick. The Lime Bomber makes a mockery of death, and his bombs are lime-shaped.

Kajii and his friends are ambushed, and they all die. Kajii still hasn’t connected his survival with an ability, and is wracked with grief. Why did he survive? Why didn’t the others? Can he trade their lives for his?

The people he’s relied on as his foundation for the past four years are dead, and he’s expected to continue on as if everything is normal. His mental health and trust in authority plunges. He’s distracted. He’s petty and spiteful and takes comfort in the things he can. At this point, Kajii is trusted to oversee and help out the mafia’s arms dealers. One of the workers is kind to him and lets him help. Kajii makes the outer casing of the bombs lemon-shaped as a ‘fuck you’ to Lime Bomber. She gets angry at him- he ‘messed them up’.

At the same time, he’s getting sloppy. He accidentally sets off a small bomb. He ends up with a broken leg, which takes months to heal. The leaders of his division in the Port Mafia notice, his former mentors who he used to respect and trust, commit the ultimate the ultimate betrayal- they decide he’s a liability and to let him die. He’s not too useful anyway- a twelve year old without an ability. His death will be useful, though- he’ll blow both himself and the enemy up.

Like, what Fyodor did.

Kajii realizes this is a suicide mission, but he’s simultaneously too angry and too empty to care. He’s equipped with the bombs he made himself and is sent to the front lines.

One of his friends who survived because she wasn’t at the incident comes to save him, even after he pushed her away, but it’s too late.

He sees Lime Bomber and is so angry he starts crying, and as the bombs explode around him, he’s still crying, and kills everyone around him, including his friend. It finally clicks for the higher-ups- Kajii has an ability. Kajii, meanwhile, breaks. He wants the innocence of his childhood and the childish wonder of science back. 

He can’t.

He’s promoted, studies science more extensively. He takes the name of the late Lime Bomber, who he hates so much. His personality breaks and reforms. He’s obsessed with death now, and how he seems to be able to avoid it- as long as they’re citrus-shaped bombs. He sometimes accidentally kills other Port Mafia members when experimenting with his ability, but who cares? There’s nowhere he can go now. Where would go? His friends fade from memory and now he’s stuck. His identity revolves around his ability now. What else is there? Was there anything there to begin with?

He doesn’t remember how to make his grandpa’s lemon tart anymore.

Oof this is stupid and really ooc but take it. I wrote this when I was really tired. I’ll probably delete this later lol. Pleas tell if this romanticizes mental illness in any way, which wasn’t my intention. I’m too tired to check. 

[bubbled-clouds]

its My tumblr i get to overshare; buckle up fuckers (im 15 and angsty i have the right)

rant starts here; if you don’t wanna read know that ily 💛💚💜

me two(?)weeks ago: man i feel like my female parental unit will go through my phone, better keep my notifs off :)

me today: well it’s been two weeks she prlly wont now *relaxes*

today at 11 pm *she looks through my phone *

me: surprised pikachu face

well t h e n .

let’s talk about the Problems :)

she thinks? i’m saying my best friend- i- mother just bc im gay and shes gay doesn’t mean we’re dating ☺️ she legit was like ‘friends don’t talk to eachother This much’ like- okey i literally don’t have a therapist maybe if i was mentally stable i wouldn’t need to talk to people more then my own parental figures :) (also i feel like my friend is currently mad at me so it doesn’t even add up but whatever-)

anyways i’ve been knowingly out to my parents for abt four years now (as in they look through my phone find me talking sbt gay shit and then we fight snd i end up sobbing and saying i Am straight) so my mom again found :gayass: shit in da phone and was like ‘it’s been four years and you still haven’t changed so i’m just going to accept it this is the last time i’ll look through your phone for this (as in gay) and i won’t tell your dad bc he should all you abt these things i shouldn’t have to be in charge (of confront abt gay)

AND SIDE NOTE one close family friend is very pro-lgbt they even Dont Go to shops that have outwardly supported conversion camps and my mom legit said ‘you have soo many people saying that being This is right(reffering to the fam) its easier for people to say they support things when they don’t have to go through the pain’ honestly?? can i just say Ouch?????? like im painful for her? f in the chat i’m very surprised im not feeling hurt whatsoever rn but maybe that’s me being emotionally stunted who knows ANYWAYS so

uh yeah that was a whole ass thing she also said that its her responsibility as a parent to pay for my college fees but once im out im Done like out o da gang and honestly? im Very tired of trying to make her understand, i think i should just Accept that she just doesn’t love me lawl idk i genuinely idk i’m like well i’ve tried explaining multiple times but she just Wont listen; it’s not my responsibility to make her a better human being yk? idk but im just incredibly Tired of feeling that *i* have to improve myself to make Her life easier? but ill prlly feel bad in the morning tbh my stomach hurts rn too i’m a Mess ™️

hm. i think that’s all. ON A SIDE NOTE!!! today was So much fun woah!!!! the whole movie night thing!!!! and i got 8 assignments done!! (*claps*) i’m happy i did so much today! mentally it hasn’t been the best but ill still call it a good day bc!!! the movie watching and just chillin in the vc after??? **so** cool!!! i really really liked it a lot <3 i aristo talked to a decent amount of people and this weekish i’ve been isolating a bit so!!!! woot woot progress!!! hmm i think that’s all? if youre reading this i love you i love you i love you ahh your soo loved and cared for just an amazing human bean!!!!! <3 anyways i shall either sleep or do random stuff who knows! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[brightbeautifulthings]

Complete Tales & Poems by Edgar Allan Poe

"'For the love of God, Montresor!' 'Yes,' I said, 'for the love of God!'"

Year Read: 2020

Rating: 2/5

Context: Starting two years ago, I’ve picked an intimidatingly long classic to read over the course of a year. I have a problem with trying to read books as fast as I possibly can, so if I set myself a thousand page novel, I’ll try to pound it in a week, and it will just be a miserable experience all around. So, a year is a nice compromise. I’ve hit the major Poe horror stories in the past, and I’ve been thinking about rereading them, but I couldn’t decide where to start. Reread my favorites? Read the ones I’ve heard of? What if I’m missing something awesome? As usual, my go-to answer is to read them ALL. For more thoughts on individual stories, see my monthly blog posts. Trigger warnings: character death, torture, live burial, cannibalism, decapitation, animal abuse, injury, severe illness, racism/xenophobia, anti-Semitism, ableism, slurs, mental illness, bitter ranting from the reviewer.

Thoughts: My edition, with an introduction by Wilbur S. Scott, is probably not the edition I would have picked, since I prefer more notes or even essays to help me out with books that are 100+ years old. Context is helpful. Somehow though, my dad and I ended up with the same edition, so we decided to read it together. My dad loves all things horror (I come by it naturally), and we’re both longtime Poe fans, especially if you happen to put Vincent Price in one of his film adaptations. Scott’s introduction is particularly pretentious for a book we probably found in the bargain bin, and he manages to criticize the horror genre for not being “literary enough”. This is an Edgar Allan Poe collection, right? Way to alienate 90% of your audience right from the start. You can’t snub an entire genre and then attempt to explain why people like it. Like a lot of critical writing, it tells us more about Scott than it does about Poe, and I was circling his typos to entertain myself by the end of the introduction.

It did not get better. In short, I actively hated so much of this collection, and it's my most arduous and least enjoyed year-long read to date. To be even shorter, the only stories I found worth reading for pleasure were the horror ones I had already read and loved, and I'm afraid to examine too closely whether that has more to do with nostalgia and pop culture than the stories themselves. Poe has a way of lingering on pointless descriptions and belaboring a point to its absolute death, alongside an aggressively pretentious tone that suggests the narrator (and, by extension, Poe himself), knows everything there is to know about everything and you're an idiot for even asking. His true talent may not be horror, but in turning what might have been a good story into an intellectual soapbox and hammering it the point of absurdity. It would be different if the stories actually were intelligent instead of ridiculous. I’m happy to talk Aristotelian ethics, but the point is never to intellectually engage the reader–-it’s to show how clever the writer is.

On the whole, it seems like Poe struggles with telling a straightforward story, and I can’t tell if it’s because the short story genre has changed so much since then or because he’s so busy trying to show readers how smart he is that he forgets that stories have very specific components like suspense, exposition, or rising action (or endings). Most of them consist of some narrator speaking the entire time (I have all kinds of problems with this, from, “You just ruined the twist of your own story” to “No human talks for thirty uninterrupted minutes unless some idiot gave them a microphone.”), and few of them have anything resembling action, plot/character development, strong themes, or closure. There’s an essay-like quality to some of them (“The Imp of the Perverse”, “The Premature Burial”) where he seems to be trying to tease out a concept on an intellectual level, sometimes for pages and pages, before he remembers that he’s telling a story with characters and what could loosely be called a plot. I could do without all the intellectualizing, verbal grandstanding, and narrative cartwheels; just tell a good story, please.

And he does, sometimes. It's clear why Poe remains an essential part of the horror canon because those are easily the best stories in the collection, and I don't think that's just because I'm a horror fan. Horror seems to age better than some other genres because certain things remain consistently scary over decades or even centuries--being buried alive, for example. “The Fall of the House of Usher” is permeated by a feeling of bleak foreboding, culminating in some truly terrifying images, and “The Tell-tale Heart” is one of the better examples of Poe’s rambling narrator who thinks a lot of his own intelligence and slowly unravels over guilt. Both scared me to death when I was a kid, and I’m happy to see that they still maintain a high creep factor as an adult. (I also had the Great Illustrated Classics Tales of Mystery and Terror as a kid, because all a story about being buried alive needs is an illustration!) “The Cask of Amontillado” has long been one of my favorites (because there is something deeply wrong with me, probably), and “The Pit and the Pendulum” and “The Masque of the Red Death” are both top-notch horrifying, the latter a classic plague story that's a little *too* relevant to the times just now (but, you know, also one of my favorites). The clock symbolism is some of the best in the entire collection. Why, pray tell, would you be afraid of time?

The tolerable stories are the detective ones and the adventure ones, in that order. I can see why Poe’s detective stories like “The Gold Bug” and “The Murders in the Rue Morgue” spawned a genre. I was getting clear Sherlock Holmes vibes from his character, Dupin. However, it reaffirms that something is a classic because of its effects on literature as a whole and not because it’s still all that accessible. Just because something is the first of its kind doesn’t mean it’s the best of its kind; in fact, it usually isn’t because that was only a starting place. I can’t help feeling “Murders” would have been more compelling as a horror story than a detective story. Murdering gorillas are cool; listening to someone talk about murdering gorillas, much less cool. I was extremely irritated by his hot air balloon stories ("The Balloon Hoax", "The Unparalleled Adventure of One Hans Pfaall"), but apparently Jules Verne loved them, which makes a lot of sense. I was getting a lot of Verne vibes from things like "A Descent Into the Maelstrom" and even the utterly long, boring, and racist "Narrative of A. Gordon Pym." It's clear they had influence on other writers, even if they're not the best examples of their genres.

Which brings us back around to the bad. It's not worth my time or yours to list all the terrible stories in this collection, but I can briefly summarize what I found so terrible about them. First, Poe is tragically, emphatically unfunny. The things he seems to find humorous are either in very poor taste now (his tasteless descriptions of mental patients in “The System of Doctor Tarr and Professor Fether”), or they’re outright ridiculous, almost slapstick, like the woman who gets her head stuck in a clock and is subsequently decapitated by it in “A Predicament,” which is an odd sequel to “How to Write a Blackwood Article.” I’m sensing that Poe is making fun of intellectuals or would-be intellectuals here, but with so much time and cultural distance, it’s hard to tell. In any case, it led to a running joke (“I’m going out for groceries!” “Don’t stick your head in any clocks!”). Somehow, I doubt this is the major takeaway Poe was hoping for.

Worst of all, they don't age well on representation either. Poe seems at pains to offend every single minority he possibly can throughout his oeuvre. There are a lot of horribly racist depictions of African Americans, snide comments about Jewish people (or the much more obvious anti-Semitism in “Four Beasts In One” where a mad king has a thousand Jews killed--really?), and blatant ableism (“Hop-Frog”). It's at its worst in "Narrative of A. Gordon Pym," a novella that spans over a hundred pages, that is basically a tedious, xenophobic setup to paint the native population of an island as the most horrific and duplicitous monsters imaginable. (The narrator previously ate one of his shipmates, so can he really afford to throw stones here?) For inexplicable reasons, that story isn't finished, and by that point, I was grateful.

Poe's poetry is a little easier to work through than his prose. I love "The Raven" with its lilting rhymes and dark message, and "Annabel Lee" is very pretty, both ubiquitous in popular culture. I also liked "Dream-Land," "Al Aaraaf" (where Ligeia makes another appearance), and "Alone." Most of the poetry has pretty simple rhyme schemes, the subjects mainly love and loss. There's an excerpt of an unfinished play, "Politian," included as well, but it didn't make much of an impression on me. TL;DR: I stand by my initial opinion, which is to read his horror stories for pleasure and, possibly, his detective and adventure stories for genre purposes, and to skip the rest. I'll probably be looking for a smaller edition of the stories I like. This one is a massive hardcover, more like a book you put on your coffee table to look impressive than a book you actually read (but I don’t have a coffee table, so it’s actually just taking up more room on the shelf than any one book has a right to).

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Episode 7: Q&A

Let’s just dive right into this. Spoilers are heading your way. 

1:00 - Malcolm why did you try to talk to the strange man in the dark?!?! It’s not safe you giant doofus. 

1:33 - Gil looks very annoyed and concerned here. This is a man who would ground Malcolm’s ass if he could. 

1:51 - See how Gil’s hands are on his hips? That’s exactly the position Malcolm was in when he was talking to Dani when he was high. Coincidence? I think not. Pretty sure Malcolm is subconsciously trying to imitate Gil whenever he can because Gil is Malcolm’s definition of a good man. 

2:24 - Another instance when Dani directly asks Malcolm if he’s okay. 

2:35 - Edrisa is one strange lady. She doesn’t even look mildly grossed out by the state of those bodies. 

3:53 - Check out JT’s face here. He looks somewhere halfway between annoyed with and concerned for Malcolm. Gil on the other hand is too busy trying to keep Malcolm from jumping off the deep end to be annoyed with him. 

4:25 - Does anyone else find it odd that mother and daughter are sitting so far apart on this bench? I mean, I know they’re fighting right now but still. 

5:00 - “I am far more worried now.” She should be. Ainsley is trying to out manipulate Martin. That’s concerning because a) Martin is a dangerous psychopath and b) Ainsley, to a certain degree, is exhibiting behaviour that probably reminds Jessica of Martin. 

7:00 - I’m starting to believe that Edrisa might be on the autism spectrum. She seems to have trouble reading the mood of a room. She often rambles. She is socially awkward. She talks with her hands a lot. She is very intelligent. She’s a functioning adult but many people with autism are functioning adults if they had proper support as children. Then again, it’s possible she grew up in a home with stereotypical Asian parents who forced her to study most of the day and severely limited her opportunities to socialize in a non-academic setting. 

7:11 - hahaha Gil’s face here. He’s like “Why do I like these two freaks? Why do they look borderline excited in the middle of this morbid situation?”

7:46 - I love the moment when Gil and Malcolm realize that they’re looking for a serial killer. Gil looks guilty. Like he’s blaming himself for not noticing that this murderer was loose sooner. Malcolm looks upset too but it looks like he’s more upset about the effect this is having on Gil than he is about the fact that there’s a serial killer on the loose. Both of my boys need a hug. 

8:23 - They are waaayyy too lovey-dovey inside of Ainsley’s serial killer father’s prison cell. Like did they forget that they’re inside of a psychiatric facility for murderers?!? 

9:00 - The fact that this interaction between Tevin and Ainsley is possible annoys me. I know it was necessary to forward the plot BUT why would two different secure doors be randomly wide open when a guard is moving a dangerous prisoner through the halls? I’m sure those doors are legally required to be heavy enough to close by themselves if no one props them open for safety reasons. (Just my small annoyance. Carry on.)

10:00 - hahaha I love JT. He clearly cares about Malcolm but he also doesn’t know what to say to a dude who is so manic and troubled.

10:22 - I love Dani going on a rant. It’s really sweet. It’s almost as if she knew that if she went on a rant Malcolm would be able to calm down and focus. Look at Malcolm’s reaction to her rant. He immediately calms down and tries to comfort Dani. He refocuses on the case. They are really good for each other’s mental health. They ground each other and I’m so grateful that they’re in each other’s lives.

11:05 - If Edrisa is technically part of the team - why doesn’t she just walk into the room? Why does she wave through the window to get Malcolm’s attention?

11:51 - We have reached a tipping point in Malcolm’s mental health. He just willingly admitted that he’s not okay. Someone sound the alarms. This will not end well. Our boy is going off the deep end....but at least he’s self aware? 

12:00 - The first part of this interview (before Malcolm shows up) is hard to watch. It hurts to watch Martin twist everything into a positive about himself. It hurts to watch Ainsley try to twist everything in the opposite direction. These characters are more similar than I’d like to admit. They’re both obsessed with their outward appearance to the world. They’re obsessed with their own success. They’re driven by ambition. Sure, Ainsley is capable of empathy, and I don’t think she’d ever kill anyone but she’s definitely narcissistic. More so than Malcolm, whose isn’t narcissistic so much as he is obsessed with finding out the truth. More so than Jessica, who really just wants to be less lonely since the world abandoned her twenty years ago. 

13:20 - This is a really interesting point that Martin brings up. He’s technically mentally ill. Does he deserve sympathy for it? I mean, he killed people. I have anxiety disorders and chronic depression. I have a bipolar uncle. A narcissistic grandmother diagnosed with manic depression with psychotic elements (actually, in a lot of ways my grandmother is like Martin Whitly). I understand mental illness. But the second that someone kills another person...that’s where my sympathy ends. At that point I don’t care if you’re mentally ill - you took someone else’s life for pleasure. You shouldn’t be getting fancy therapy and an all-expenses paid trip to a psychiatric hospital. You should be getting the electric chair. (Sorry if this is getting political - I’m generally against the death penalty but psychopathic serial killers and child abusers are the exception to my stance).

13:38 - The darkest of nights?!?! Martin you are making me so angry right now. You sleep like a baby. You have no conscience. That’s literally the definition of a psychopath. You have no dark nights. Your son on the other hand. UGH. 

14:10 - *sigh* look at this. He’s making everything about him. In doing so he’s actually belittling his daughter and her career choice. What kind of a loving father does that?

15:44 - This little moment when Ainsley tells Malcolm that she’s staying is concerning to me. She is so desperate to find her father’s affectionate side that she watches her brother interact with him. She genuinely believes that she is the least favourite child.

16:30 - In this scene Martin says he’s never been to the Bronx. But by the end of this episode we find out that Martin briefly worked at St. Edwards Hospital in the Bronx. Just more proof that Martin is a liar. I don’t know what else to tell you. 

17:10 - Look at that face. That is a man who doesn’t care about his son. That is a man who will say anything to keep Malcolm in the room. To play with Malcolm’s head. That is not a father. That is a monster. Look at how sad Malcolm looks by the end of this interaction. How upset. How scared. He is genuinely starting to believe that he might’ve helped his Dad hurt someone. 

18:56 - Ainsley’s excitement to walk back into that room is concerning. There is ambition and there is obsession. She is obsessed. It isn’t healthy. 

19:25 - “I’d like to discuss one more. Malcolm.” This scene absolutely shatters my heart. For multiple reasons. a) Ainsley just put her career before her brother. She is intentionally starting a conversation that she knows will upset her brother (in front of her brother) because she believes that it will get the results she needs. This is one of the reasons I believe Ainsley is the Whitly child most similar to Martin. AND b) look at Malcolm’s reactions. He is utterly heartbroken. He feels betrayed by his sister. Embarrassed that his father knows about his diagnoses. Embarrassed that this discussion about his mental health is being filmed for television. He looks so sad and defeated here. I just want to hug him. AND FINALLY c) Martin is incapable of even acknowledging that his action have had any sort of negative impact on Malcolm. 

20:15 - And there he is. The most honest form of Martin Whitly. Angry. Explosive. Violent. Things aren’t going his way and that’s unacceptable to him.

20:53 - Another moment that annoys me about this episode. How convenient is it that the alarm starts going off JUST as Martin finishes his little outburst? It’s just timed a little too coincidentally. I know I know. It’s necessary for the plot and the time constraint of the episode. 

21:24 - Look at that. Three people concerned about your shaky handed boy. My heart is full. 

22:18 - Ainsley and Malcolm laughing over their Mom’s phone calls is cute. BUT I feel like Malcolm should be a little more upset with Ainsley right now. I know they’re in a lockdown situation and he probably doesn’t want to fight with her in case that something bad happens to one of them but still. Siblings fight. She treated him poorly. He should be mad at her right now. Malcolm’s acting like nothing happened.

23:55 - Martin is the worst. He really refuses to answer his children’s relevant questions until the camera is rolling. Ugh. Mr. David is not getting paid enough to deal with this family.

25:40 - It’s absolutely disgusting that Martin is so unconcerned when both of this children are in danger, in his presence. Also can someone please explain to me why there was a crow bar in the camera equipment bag? Like for real? That’s not a thing I can see Claremont security approving to enter a serial killer’s cell.

27:00 - It’s not often that I believe that Malcolm is the most rational person in the room (excluding Mr. David of course) but Ainsley and Martin are positively crazy in this scene. Ainsley is desperate and scared but Martin is manipulating her. At least Malcolm has enough common sense to keep a knife away from a serial killer. 

28:34 - The flashback. Martin is holding Malcolm’s hands, guiding the knife. Did Malcolm fight his father before this moment? Was Malcolm drugged into submission? I really need to know more about this. Malcolm looks terrified in the flashback though - he definitely didn’t take the knife willingly.

29:00 - Look at Malcolm’s face. That is pure terror. That is internal conflict. He wants to help his sister. He would do anything for her because he’s her big brother and big brothers are protective. BUT he’s also terrified of giving his father a knife. AND he’s terrified of the flashback that he just had. Look at Malcolm’s face when Martin takes the scalpel. Holy crap. That boy is not sleeping tonight.

31:02 - Another instance where I really don’t support Ainsley. Video tapping the un-consented surgery (yes it was an emergency, I know) performed by a serial killer on her boyfriend. Like. Dude. No. So not appropriate. But she’s doing it a) to try and earn her father’s love and attention and b) she thinks the story will help her career. It’s all about her. And that scares me. 

32:45 - JT and Dani look concerned again. They’re like “What’s the dumbass going to do now?”

33:00 - I love this scene. Gil and Jessica. This conversation is sweet, and intimate in a way that only people with a shared concern can be. How many conversations do you think they’ve had over the years about Malcolm and Ainsley? They’re both worried about their kids. It’s precious and I love it. Also - another example of how Jessica’s heart is in the right place. She really does love her children. 

35:15 - New York Direct News?!? I thought Ainsley worked for American Direct News? Did Malcolm purposely use a different network name? 

35:55 - Is Malcolm giving that look to Ainsley or Martin? I can’t tell. 

37:40 - I feel you Jessica. I feel you girl. He’s playing with both of your children’s hearts now. You are justified in being livid.

38:18 - Concerned Papa Gil for the win! :) <3 

39:24 - I’m really glad that Malcolm is at least aware that his father is playing with he and Ainsley.

40:55 - I love how this episode ends. A rare, intimate moment between Malcolm and his mother. A softer side of Jessica we rarely see, comforting her upset son. Followed by a confused, terrified and equally vulnerable side of Jessica going to the basement.

Dang. This one got long. Sorry. Thanks for hanging out. I’ll post again soon. 

[divagonzo]

Quarantine (Romione, One-shot)

Ao3 // FF.net (will post them there tomorrow but Tumblr gets the first crack tonight)

A/N: I’d intended to have this posted last week but RL got in the way and so much fell onto my plate as “back-up daughter” to friends who are out of state for their elderly parents. What little time I had was claimed by so many other things too. I know there is a Princess somewhere mad that RL interfered in my life once again. One of these years my life will be only dramatic in the stories I write. Alas.

Rated M (so much smutty goodness in this one!) for Lemons, Limes, Citrus galore. Not Ace Safe in the least (This means you @headcanonsandmore​)

TW: Mentions of current British events involving a towheaded cockwomble and his deputy. Tagging @hillnerd​ and @abradystrix​ just ‘cause.

Give me my demarcation line darn it!

“I swear to Merlin that I am going to strangle that sod,” Hermione growled before putting the two-way mirror down in her office. “That cockwomble!”

“Love?” Ron poked his head in, wondering what got Hermione into a bit of lather this morning from her noon call with the Muggle PM.

Hermione took off her reading glasses and rubbed the heels of her hands into her eyes, wondering how much more cocked up the world was going to be in the interim.

“What’s happened, dear?” Ron stood at the doorway, wondering too what was going on. “I heard you cursing. Did you speak with that tosser of a PM?”

“I did,” She hissed. “Do you remember that boring ministry dinner we attended last weekend? The one where I was seated across from the PM and his partner, talking boring politics while you tried to keep from complaining about the rubbish chicken they served for the main course?”

“Of course. Who could forget that Merlin awful chicken that even you could cook a better one than what was presented to us? Who did they get to cater it, Malfoy?”

“You’d think, right? Anyway, it seems the PM has gone and contracted some virus, one that appears to be worse than the flu for some people. Unfortunately, now, since we were within close contact with the bastard,” 

“Please don’t tell me.”

“We’re quarantined for a fortnight because that sod insisted on shaking everyone’s hand when they arrived, including yours.”

“Shite.”

“Yeah. That’s what I thought too. At least the kids were off at school.”

“That – “ Hermione tuned out for Ron’s caustic rant about the current PM who seemed to have less brains than Flint seems to possess. “I can’t believe he did that.”

“So we have to be home, inside, for 2 weeks. We can’t even go out shopping for groceries, you to work, anything.”

“That’s fucked up.”

“I know. Fortunately, we’ve not been to see your parents since we met with the PM.”

“And your parents?”

“I’ve only talked with them on the phone. I’ve not been by there in 2 weeks.”

“Harry & Ginny. I mean she is at home with a toddler and Harry’s been working on a case for weeks now with his group. I had a meeting with him last week to discuss training for the new class coming in.”

“Then we need to tell him and others and let them decide.”

“Bugger. How bad is this virus?”

“From what he said, most people get a little sick but it’s not a big deal. The problem is that for one in five, it’s serious enough for a visit to the A&E. From what he said also, there’s about 1 in 20 that need critical care.” Hermione sat back in her leather office chair, sighing. “I need to contact St. Mungo’s and let them know to prepare for this. I think I also need to share this with the Wizarding population, too, so they can take care of themselves too.”

“That bad?”

“You know how I talk about history entirely too much?”

Ron grinned, thinking about how often Hermione would pick up a tome for a bit of light reading. “Of course I do. Last year you were reading something on the Dark Ages. Seemed quite bad.”

“Oh, it was. It was how a plague back in the 14th century and how it decimated the European population.”

“Sounds grim.”

“It was. There are articles by historians that the plague killed between 25 and 50 per cent of the population of Europe. Only a few places were reasonably immune to it.”

Ron frowned. “Please tell me it won’t be that bad for us.”

“It won’t. We have better medicines and potions to take now unlike back then. We have a level of hygiene now that makes the transmission less likely.”

Ron said, “You mean how we take a bath or a shower daily?”

“That and always washing hands when coming out of the loo.”

“Who wouldn’t? That’s gross.”

Hermione grimaced. “You know there are plenty of men who don’t wash their hands.”

“True and they’re disgusting.”

“Anyway, we’re going to be home awhile.”

“We’ll need some groceries to tide us over.”

“I’ll firecall Neville and let him know to keep the kids at Hogwarts until this passes for us.”

“Good idea. Looks like we’re going to break out that industrial-sized Mirror you got for me when I was laid up on bed rest with the kids.”

“I’ll go get it and put it up in here for you.” Ron stopped. “So if you’re infected, then I am too, right?”

Hermione smiled, thinking of a delightful Sunday lie-in they had last weekend. “Yes, you would be.”

“Well since I’m on the same broom you are, it’s not like you have to sleep on the couch or anything.”

“No, neither of us has to sleep on the couch.” Hermione stood up from her leather office chair and went to the doorway, pushing her husband gently into the doorframe. With a glance, she ran her fingers through the fringe and his hair, appreciating the softness of the hair on his head. “And no illness will keep me from doing this,” She stood on her tiptoes to gently kiss him. 

Ron reached for her hips and pulled her body flush to his own. “Keep that up and we won’t get any work done this afternoon.” 

Hermione kissed him on the nose before pulling his head forward, resting her forehead on his. “And once again, you’re right. I did say I needed to do a couple of things before this evening.” She sighed. “But I would enjoy dessert tonight.” Her smile turned wicked. “I think we would both appreciate some quality stress relief.”

Ron pulled her close again, snogging her breathless. “I’ll hold you to it.” He hugged her tight, pressing his nose into her hair. “I’ll go get the mirror out of storage and set it up. Then I’ll firecall everyone to warn them off, including Harry and Ginny.”

“I admit this is going to be, well, interesting.”

Ron erupted in a cheeky grin. “Remember the last time we had a fortnight to ourselves?”

“You mean that little cottage in the French Alps at Mont Fort? That was quite nice of Fleur’s parents to rent it out for us for that holiday.” Hermione smiled thinking of that particular Holiday. “The Muggles only saw one hut out there in the middle of nowhere but didn’t see the Wizarding village down the side of the mountain. I don’t know of any Holiday we’ve ever taken that was better than the one there.”

“You certainly weren’t complaining that we were snowed in that week and slept in front of the fireplace every night to stay warm.” Ron ran his hands along her face. “And to think, nine months later Rose came along.”

Hermione snuggled into his chest. “So you’re hoping for that again, aren’t you?”

“That’s up to you, love. While I would never turn down another child, it’s not my decision, is it?”

“Maybe I wouldn’t be on bed rest for months if I was again?”

“You weren’t with Hugo.”

“We’ll see what happens,” Hermione stood on her toes and kissed Ron again. “But first, we have to take care of the business stuff.”

Ron kissed Hermione on the nose. “I’ll get your mirror up in a moment, right after I talk with Mum and Dad.”

Ron left Hermione in her office while she considered how she was going to do her job to her standards while stuck at home for a fortnight.

Demarcation line for the win!

Ron finished with the last dish in the sink after their dinner of cottage pie and salad. The grocery budget shrunk back down to a reasonable amount once the kids went back to Hogwarts after Winter Hols. He didn’t mind since the kids had everything he lacked growing up, with enough food to feed a small army every meal for them and provided them treats from time to time as well. But the household budget would strain slightly with two teenagers eating their weight daily. How his parents managed all the kids on his Dad’s meagre salary he’d never understand except to respect his Mum and her skills.

Two small yet strong arms wrapped around his midsection, hugging her front to his back. “I’m so glad you’re home with me. I’d go completely mental if I had to spend two weeks away from you during this barmy time.”

Ron pulled Hermione to him, lifting her onto the ledge of the counter. The kids never noticed that the counters were the perfect height for him and a little tall for Hermione. She didn’t mind, not when they were still young and working too hard and grabbed a shag whenever they could manage it those early days of owning their cottage. Tonight, though, they had plenty of time on their hands. His hands went to her thighs, rubbing his calloused hands up and down her smooth skin. “I’d have walked into our quarantine to keep you company during this time. Might I remind you that our vows said In Sickness and in Health? I think this qualifies as in sickness.”

“It’s not like I even feel off. Maybe it’s that cockwomble of a PM who is an idiot.”

Ron opened her pyjama top, exposing her chest to him. It was almost 25 years after the fact and even with all of the changes to her body from having kids, the curse scar along with the gold galleon burns along her chest never faded. They’d healed up well enough but those early days, when he was still learning every square inch of her body, he’d kiss each scar, each burn spot, each memento of a moment when her bravery cost something, some bit of pain in their lives. “Fucking gorgeous,” he growled. “Damn gorgeous.”

“You’re barking,” she smiled as she worked at lifting the tee shirt up his torso, leaving small kisses on various freckles on his body. He finished the job, tossing the shirt behind him so she could appreciate his body. While he wasn’t out running with the kids daily now since his ankle ached a bit from time to time, he wasn’t a gangly teenager like he was at 14. He’d filled out some and put on some muscle on his shoulders and back which Hermione never failed to appreciate. “Deep in thought?” she asked.

Ron looked back at his wife and saw her smirk. “Yeah, just wish I’d been able to tell 14-year-old me to quit being such a tosser and that he’d eventually get the girl of his dreams.”

“You’d already had me but I had to learn to appreciate you,” She worked her hands down his lean torso, settling them on the tops of his hips. “How could I have been so stupid to not realize that you express love to people by giving your time and affection in doing things for people. Once I figured you out, I realized you’d been telling me for years how much you loved me. Once I realized that I was being selfish in thinking you had to express affection the way that I understood you so much more.” She pulled his hips close, feeling his sleep trousers straining the front. “I’m glad I pulled my thumb out.” She grinned at him before shrugging out of her top, leaving her in her skin. “And I’m glad that you put something special in.”

Ron laughed but dropped his sleep trousers, leaving him in his skin. “You mean like you want right now?” he stepped between her knee and then pulled her hips forward to the edge of the countertop.  

She pulled on the back of his head down for a tempestuous kiss, feeling his excitement poking her thighs. Releasing his lips for a moment, she breathed, “here or somewhere else?”

Ron lifted his hands from the sides of her hips to her breasts, feeling the tips harden under his fingertips. “Oh we’re staying here,” He cheeked before kneeling before her. “I want dessert first.”

Hermione leaned back on the counter, holding onto the edge while Ron feasted on her tender flesh, giving her so much pleasure and joy that if she could cry, she would. Instead, she let go, embracing the vulnerability she could express with her husband. Ron was the only one on the planet who could quiet the racing raging thoughts in her head, slow down the near-constant anxiety that she had to always be the best at everything, and temper her sharp edges that so many others presumed about her.

A shudder rippled through her body followed by the frisson that she gladly welcomed, all given freely by her wonderful husband. She reached out and found the soft ginger hairs on his head and ran her fingers through them, appreciating the solid feeling under her fingertips while he used his to make her groan in ecstasy. 

Another rush of pleasure coursed through each nerve in her body, leaving her quivering in the abundance of sensory overload. She would never tell anyone besides Ron but what he did for her before they had sex was her favourite part. Everything he brought to their intimate moments only magnified how much she adored him.

Two hands reached up her body to tease her breasts, pinching the tips under his well-practised fingers. 

“Oh God,” She moaned and felt the jolt of pleasure erupt from her core, spreading out to her fingertips and toes. 

When she could open her eyes, Ron was standing in front of her, patiently waiting for her approval. She nodded once, having lost the capability to speak anything coherent some time ago, and felt the pleasure of having his cock inside her.

“Shit, this is fucking amazing,” he kept still for a moment to make sure she was ready. Twenty plus years of making love to this wonderful man – and the shagging and, as crudely as it was factual, the fucking – she never grew tired of it. Like the loaves of bread he made for Sunday lunch for the family, he never let it grow stale or trite.

Hermione reached up to hold onto his shoulders, to have any kind of leverage while he continued to make love to her. While he might have popped off in a minute when they were much, much younger, he had stamina now to last long enough to make her satiated. Who knew that she could feel that much from a shared intimacy with this amazing man she called her husband?

“Yes, right there, feels amazing,” she praised him for every second she could articulate. Her husband thrived on being praised and told how well he was treating her. It took too many rows after they finally pulled their collective thumbs out - and some tears on her part - to realize what he needed to flourish. 

“Gonna fuck you hard, Hermione, going to make you walk like a bloody bowtruckle for a week when I’m done with you,” he’d cheek back.

“Yes, please do, yes” each moment he spent driving her spare, with his hands, his manhood, his mouth, anything he could use to afford her pleasure and joy. “It’s not like anyone is going to notice us, right?”

“No one’s going to interrupt. I’ve locked the door, the Floo, and put us under a Fidelius Charm. 

Ron kept going, eventually pulling her hips forward and resting her legs on her chest and her feet on his shoulders. Hermione pressed her heels into his collarbone, changing the angle he fucked her. “Yes, right there, keep going,” her praise for him only grew more incoherent, more broken as he nattered on, offering filthy comments in response to her. He understood her best of all. He was the only one who got to see her vulnerable, this candid for him. 

A sheen of sweat covered both of them, rattling the cabinets and drawers underneath them. Noises echoed in the kitchen into the parlour along with the occasional groan of wood underneath Hermione’s arse. The slap of wet skin against wet skin echoed along with the growing cacophony into the cottage.

“Hermione,” Ron’s voice rumbled.

“Whenever you are,” she replied. 

Ron continued for another dozen strokes, fighting like mad to hold on. He looked down at his wife and saw her tits jiggling on her breasts while one hand had slid down her slick body to where they were joined, pressing her fingertips into the crevice where her bundle of nerves was, rubbing in tight little circles.

“Oh fuck,” he growled before exploding. He pulled her hips flush to his, feeling her clenching around his length. 

She groaned like the long-departed ghoul in his childhood attic, imitating a banshee with a bad cold. She shivered, not stopping even after he’d quit thrusting into her welcoming body. He pulled back, gasping for breath and stretching his back. She continued to quiver from all of the sensory overload while he hid the smug grin on his face from making her behave in such a wanton fashion. 

Seconds which felt like minutes later, Ron pulled Hermione from the edge of the countertop, lifting her onto his shoulders and carried her to their couch. She scrambled off with him plopping down first followed by her cuddling into his side. She scratched the soft ginger hairs on his chest while he caught his breath.

“We get two weeks like this,” said to the top of his wife’s head. “I never expected to have daily shags ever again, not after that first summer.”

Hermione looked up and smiled before resting her head back on his chest and crossing her knee over his thighs. “I guess we should take advantage of it before everything goes pear-shaped again.”

“Would you say it’s fortunate that we got this earlier than later than everyone else?”

“Honestly? I’d rather get it and get it over with and get back to work helping the rest of our country survive this disaster.”

“Disaster?” Ron rubbed her back, feeling the hairs standing up under his fingertips. “You mean that walking fuckstrumpet of a Prime Minister for the Muggles?”

“If I thought that the populace was manipulated into voting for that sod, I’d open an inquiry. But I don’t trust the Muggles and their discernment of the propaganda that passes for the media now.”

“You’ve never trusted the media, Hermione, not after that bint Skeeter defamed you repeatedly when we were younger.”

“I recall you being shirty too after she went after our kids that one time at the Quidditch World Cup back in 2014. Good thing Ginny gave her what for on Harry’s behalf.”

Ron wrapped his arms around Hermione’s shoulders, pulling her more onto his still heaving chest. 

A soft continuous thumping on the window made them turn their heads. Sure enough, it was raining but also an oversized Barn Owl was on the railing, tapping with his beak in the utter darkness.

“Merlin, can’t even enjoy the moment,” Hermione growled before getting up from Ron’s comforting embrace to stroll to the window and open it, bringing in the very wet owl inside. “I must answer this immediately, isn’t it?” she asked the owl who hooted softly. “Bugger, OK. There are rashers on the countertop for you. I’ll send this back straightaway.”

Hermione saw the MoM seal on the outside of the parchment and cracked it with a fingernail, watching the three feet unroll. She scanned the document before her eyes grew as large as tea saucers then read it again.

Ron sat up on the couch, watching his wife standing only in her skin by the window, the fireplace behind her lush arse highlighting it and silently making him drool, yet she had not a care in the world who might see her form, already engrossed in what had been sent to her.  “That bad, love?”

Hermione turned her face back to Ron and saw the thunderheads rolling across her face. “That bloody PM didn’t bother to listen to the Muggle doctors and is being admitted to the hospital tonight. The sod has left that other tosser - “

“He’s the bloke that looks like he was used for quaffle target practice, right?”

“That’s the one.” She took a deep breath. “That means I’m now the Shadow Minister, temporarily. The real Shadow Minister is also under quarantine.”

“But so are we, right?”

Hermione’s smile erupted. “Nothing like a bubblehead charm to go into work, which I, unfortunately, must do for an hour early tomorrow morning. That Ruddy idiot wants to talk about the state of the Ministry before going forward at 7 am.”

Ron stood up from the couch, looking fanciable and fit in his skin. Four strides and he was next to her, swallowing her up in an enormous hug. “I guess that means we need to get to bed so you can sleep, right?”

Hermione looked up at Ron, his beard shining like gold in the amber lights of the fire in the locked fireplace. “Eventually, love. I would prefer round two.”

Ron turned, pulling her with him as he walked back to their bedroom. “Round two, huh?”

“I need to work this stress off and you’re the medicine I need tonight.”

[kirishwima]

i just finished V's after ending (rip to my saved up hourglasses) and..hmm...hm...i have some Thoughts im gonna rant real quick before i forget bc i have the memory of a goldfish so if u wanna see my mad man's ramblings go ahead i guess, im on mobile so i cant add a read more right now orz

I got the forgive ending and...first up, i don't like the fact that there's a 'forgive' or 'judge' option. It feels so black and white and plays with one thing I hate-the use of mental illness as either an excuse or shield.

Rika is mentally ill. She has done unspeakable actions prompted by the delusions of her mental illness, further triggered by the enviroment she was in and the absoloute lack of help she received (look i love V he's my boo but...no, love cant solve anything. it can help sure but with mental illness especially delusional types like the one Rika suffers from requires pharmacotherapy and combined psychotherapy)

Rika has done bad things and is mentally ill-her mental illness EXPLAINS why she did what she did but does NOT excuse it. I'm fairly certain that if every person suffering from a psychiatric illness started a cult there'd be...well millions of cults. So yes, she can be 'forgiven' since she was likely unware of her actions (im not gonna get into the whole depiction of her mental illness here bc oof but let me just say-with my best guess being she suffers from delusional type of schizophrenia, her leaving and travelling around on her own without any support and suddenly, magically being ok is??!!!! so unrealistic???)

What she needs is help, proper support and YES, she needs to be held accountable for her actions especially once she's stable enough to recognise her wrong doings-which no, one does not just recognise through a magical dream of talking with god-they recognise through sessions of therapy with a trained medical professional to help them through it and with medication that can stabilise the dopamine levels in their brain.

And V travelling around for two years, that's fine and all but...there's some gaps?? like how did he go to Saeran and get him out after people went to mint eye and found out there was an explosion?? like...did no one see the one single still-standing room in the rubble??? im?? and what were they doing for two years??

and again-HERBS CAN'T CURE A DRUG WITHDRAWAL ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN ITS A COCKTAIL OF DRUGS LIKE WHAT SAERAN HAD BEEN TAKING THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS THAT CAN GO WRONG WHATS NEEDED IS PROPER HOSPITALISATION OFTEN WEEKS LONG TO MONITOR FOR SAID SIDE EFFECTS THAT CAN OFTEN BE LETHAL!

medical stuff aside bc i know thats just my own nit-picking: i did love Saeyoung's story although again, there's no explanation of...how Jumin's company survived bc lbr, would Rika's words be deemed more credible than a renounced politicians? With zero proof? And also what the everlasting heck happened to Vanderwood like?? We hear nothing from them after that one scene with Sae is Vanderwood ok??? Cheritz pls tell me our fav maid is safe and sound

also credit where its due-Saeyoung's despair over Saeran h u r t i legit cried, and i cried some more when the two reunited id been waiting for that and it made my heart Big Happy :')

I haven't played the judge ending and i dont think i will until after exams so i dont know if some of my questions are answered there but..jmmm

this last bit is just my own personal thing bc i never really liked the 'and they got married had kids and lived happily ever after' idea lol but this forgive ending felt....kinda bland tbh. I do adore V as a dad he's so cute im 🥺🥺 but i just...expected something different? idk what lol

anyway thats my midnight rambling on mysme for today-and please do let me state that i am in no wat bashing cheritz or the game, i adore mystic messenger and the wonderful characters we've all come to love, these are just my own personal thoughts on this route and are mainly influenced by the fact that im studying psychiatry right now lol. The only thing I do want to state is: for a solid 99% of the time, mental illness does not look like what is depicted through Rika. There's no magic realisation and suddenly everything is fine again. Like any somatic illness it's a struggle and requires treatment and professional help, and while of course recovery is possible, it requires effort and understanding. I'm mainly stating this again because it's completely understandable that some people may not know/think of this-that's why I just want to end with this so anyone playing through the game doesn't take it as fact of what mental illness recovery is like.

Anyway that's all lol ill add a read more once im on the pc if you read this far uhh im sending u an imminent hug also remember to drink water and take ur meds if u take any xoxo

[indigopurple]

Basically a review of OP episode 503 ig

Currently rewatching post-war arc (in the dub so I don't have any screenshots for u guys sry) and theres a few things id like to point out.

During a conversation Dadan once had with Garp, they were talking about Roger. Garp said that even if they were facing powerful enemies, he would never run away because he wouldnt dare leaving his comrads behind; it wasnt an option for him. Obviously we see this in Ace. But ALSO, isnt this what he did with Katakuri? It was a little different cuz of the setting mostly, but he separated himself from his crew to fight off katakuri, and lied to them about being okay so they didn't worry (he was already getting his ass kicked by then, so he just made that stupid smile and told them not to worry (or smth like that, I can remember the exact line) (that smile was so gross and fake cuz he fucking sucks at lying). Also he said roger destroyed a buncha soldiers cuz they mouthed off his men. That's what Ace tried to do but instead he died. :(

"The pain he went through just made him hold on tighter to the ones he loved" -Garp, about Roger. "Despite his flaws and his bad reputation, his crew still trusted him completely." -also Garp, about Roger. These both sound a lot like Luffy AND Ace.

When Dogra got home and told everyone about Sabo's ship being shit down and him dying (which we all know didnt happen, thank fuck), (by the way the absolutely lost looks on Ace's and Luffy's faces with the sudden silence hurt like a bitch), Luffy started crying and said "WE SHOULDNT'A LET HIM GO, IT'S ALL OUR FAULT". Which fucking says something about him (thinking of episodes 913-915 when he goes fucking berserk, but before that he learns that Kaido probably killed Tama and he says "I should've escorted them..!" (*ugly cries*)). Ace also reacted pretty similarly-- "Sabo...why didn't we go back into town and bring him back here?! We're so stupid!" And he gets mad and asks where he could find the bastard that killed him (obviously not getting a good answer since it was a fucking celestial dragon ugh). That is what Luffy does, in present time. He results to anger first, not sadness. Not sure when he learned to do that but I'm 99 percent sure it was from Ace. Also the blaming himself thing? High chance thats ALSO from Ace. Who else would teach him that self hating behaviour?!

Dadan pins Ace down to stop him from going after the Celestial Dragon to calm him down, telling him he cant do anything, he's not big or strong enough to do anything and he'll be killed as soon as he tries anything, especially since it was the whole country -the whole WORLD- that killed Sabo. He can't do anything. And then they tied him to a tree outside to let him cool off. Oh yeah then he also told luffy to stop crying like a little girl or else he'll- (and he didn't finish the sentence). ...Ok maybe thats why luffy started being more angry than sad.

This is where things get a little more :( . Ace reads the letter Sabo sent them before he died. As he reads, he walks to the end of the forest, to a cliff overlooking the ocean. And starts fucking bawling (btw the voice actor who had Ace's childhood part did not do a very good job, no where near as in character and real as Coleen Clickenberg did with all of Luffy's crying scenes. She was spot on.) ...do you see where im going with that? He isolated himself before letting himself feel sad. It was all rage and then calm beforehand. Y-you see where im going with that. Dont make me say it.

"How's Luffy doing, is he any better?" "Well...he hasnt been eating much, but he still eats twice as much as we do". Oh look, That's what happened after Ace died too. There's a behavioral pattern that hasnt gone away. Not sure why it wouldve tho.

Luffy is mopeing, lying on the ground in a similar setting ace was at when he cried. Hes thinking about some of the things Sabo said, like how theyre gonna sail the seas together, and he clenches his hands into tight, shaking fists. After Ace shows up and hits him, and talking abt some other stuff I don't feel like relaying, Luffy tightens his grip on the straw hat and tells ace, whimpering, he wants to get stronger (and stronger, and stronger, and stronger and stronger and....) And he wants to be the strongest in the world. "And then, I'll protect everyone. I won't lose anyone I care about". He gets stronger mainly to protect the people he loves. And then he asks ace to promise he won't die. To which he hits Luffy again and tells him he should be more worried about himself dying first. And then the famous line that hurts like a bitch- "I'm NEVER going to DIE!" And then this hopeful music comes on (fucking damnit funimation, u gotta do this? Really??) Also he says he wont die as long as he has a wussy little brother to protect. ...FUCK. Ok, the fist clenching is a thing he does all the fucking time, usually when he gets mad. This was different because he wasnt mad, he was sad. He clenched his fist because thinking about it hurt. Which, huh, sounds a lot like his whole episode after waking up from his 2 week coma on the polar tang. To try and stop the mental pain of those horrendous memories, he resulted to physically pain. He hurt himself. So, He clenches his fists in times like these to fight off the mental pain and the urge to cause himself physical pain. Guys, our boy is bad at emotions, help him. ....ok this paragraph is longer than I anticipated so ill dumb down the rest of it ig. Next part, him asking ace to promise he wont die. The music, the body language, the over change in mood- this comforts him. He stopped hiding his face and silently sobbing after ace said this. OH YEAH! didn't he tell jinbe not to die when they parted ways in Totto Land? And then, hes missing still in Wano and we see Luffy is worried....but convinced Jinbe will show up. Again, this comforts him. Hes nervous cuz someone KOFF KOFF ACE broke that promise once. But jinbe is his crew mate so he trusts him, thank god.

"-But whoever did it, they must be opposed to freedom." The whole freedom thing? That runs through Luffy's blood and spirit.His brothers fought for it, his dad is the man who strives to give everyone freedom basically, and Luffy himself has seen enough of the OPPOSITE of freedom to be so, so much more than just against it. Hence why he of course was so eager to free the slaves in Sabaody, the kids in punk hazard, the toys in dressrosa, the country of Wano from Kaido's tyrany. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree huh.

I dont think Luffy would remember his promise with Shanks if it werent for his brothers putting feul to his dream. It was a stupid bet at first; he just wanted to beat Shanks, right then. But after meeting Sabo and Ace, he found the opposite of freedom and human rights. And then he wanted, REALLY wanted, to become the free-est man in the world; the pirate king.

Last one i promise ok? This one is less connected to whats going on in the episode at this point, but something I noticed (its so obvious everyone has seen this ok) was when luffy cries, his posture is always open. He doesn't curl in on himself like many people would do (I know I would, lol). He doesnt hug himself, protect himself. He's just, opened up to whoever is watching, literally. This has a little more to do with something I haven't talked about much in this post yet; his self-destruction issues. I said he tried to hurt himself when he felt mental pain, which is definitely similar. But he cries and doesnt try to protect or comfort himself, like he doesn't have that programmed into his mind. Reminder that he only wants to live because of his dream, and if he doesnt have his dream, he wants to die. (Whoa.). Ok, so no self preservation mechanism at all rlly. Hes basically ride or die. So, when things hurt so much that he cries, he has no hope left. He just kinda...dies inside. So this was mildly different after sabo died. Yes we saw him just standing there, sobbing. But the next day he's still crying, and instead he's laying on the ground. I saw that and the voice in the back of my head told me he wanted to be a part of that lifeless dirt beneath him. Then, Ace walked over. And his words made him feel the hope that I told you about earlier, and he sat up into a sitting position. And HUGGED HIS LEGS TO HIS CHEST. There's some self preservation! Some hope! Some will to exist, to live! Something we saw none of as he sat in front of his brothers corpse, shutting down. He sat there, open to his enemies, incapable of protecting himself. Practically anyone couldve killed him right then and there. I think he mightve liked that, at that moment. Like thank god he has that stupidly good luck cuz if he didn't I swear someone couldve thrown and axe or FUCKING ANYTHING AT THAT MOMENT and hed be dead becuase he never physically or mentally prepared himself. On purpose.

Our poor boy needs some fucking attention and therapists. (Insert my rant post about how jinbe is on the crew primarily for anger management and therapy, not just being a helmsman.) Ugh, smh ugly cries

Aaaaand thats about the end of the episode. Theres so many little tics and peesonality traits that you notive thru this episode, and I only noticed them cuz im rewatching this part of the show for like the third time. I don't react as much as the first time of course but some things are definitely sadder after knowing what's going on and what will happen later on.

Moral of the story (post)? I think luffy is almost equally as alike -if not, more similar to roger as ace is. Also, high key genuinely think Luffy met like NO ONE but Garp before he met Shanks and his crew. What the fuck was his first like 5 years of being alive like? (He wantd to be a pirate cuz Garp didnt want that. Rebellious baby asshole. And then shanks made things worse, in a good way for luffy. And then ace and sabo made that worse thing worse for a good reason. Luffy lives...for those influences. And that is fucking it. Why.

Oh thanks tumblr for moving my picture to the bottom of the post u fucking idiot