I don’t think we talk about vulnerable James enough (or it could be just me). I mean the sunshine character who’s always there for everyone, with (what they think) no one there for them. We all know that right?
I’m going to put that into the context of Jegulus.
Regulus, who always thought of James as the sun, always happy and cheerful. Of course, he knows that James is still human too, but it’s easy to forget that.
When he first sees James, just exhausted and completely broken, he doesn’t know how to react. Granted, he never thought he’d be in this situation. He isn’t sure how James would react to him. So he quietly sits next to James, letting him get it all out.
James didn’t think the first person he’d break down to was Regulus. He’d always thought it’d be Sirius, Remus, Peter or even Lily. But he eventually goes silent, and they just sit there, staring at nothing.
That was the first time.
Over time, Regulus learnt to see cracks in James’ mask, strange actions and listless behaviours. He would seek him out then, in secret of course.
James liked Regulus’ way of comforting him. It was different from others. He would let him talk, let him cry, and if asked, hold him through it.
Regulus broke through his walls, and in return, James broke through Regulus’ cold mask.
And well, that was the start of a story.
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Luke got his first guitar when he was seven years old. His ADHD therapist had recommended that he pick up a hobby as a fixation to redirect all his energy instead of doing something that could potentially harm him. Emily and Mitch had tried a lot of things at first. Cooking, drawing, basketball, running, everything that a seven year old would find interesting. But, as soon as Luke got his first guitar from his parents, he knew he had found his passion.
Emily and Mitch thought it was his fixation. Luke knew that music was the love of his life.
Two years into playing everyday, trying to practice chords from his favourite songs, and making new riffs just to see if he could make a decent song. He could, for a nine year old. His love for music was also how he met his best friends, Reggie, Alex, and Bobby. The Patersons had assumed that the boys had bonded over their hobby of creating music, or just playing covers of songs they liked. They never realised how much more important music was to them than they let it show.
Mitch and Emily did not seem to have a problem with the guitar and the lyrics and the music going on constantly. As long as Luke didn’t do anything that could harm him, they were fine. And when, at twelve, Luke started talking about making a career for himself in music, he started talking about being the best Rock band to ever exist, Emily and Mitch didn’t pay much attention at that time either.
But then, Luke got into high school, and he still spoke about creating music as a career for himself, and he still practised more with his band than doing homework or studying, and the Patterson couple couldn’t ignore it anymore. They knew that their son was very much serious about his choices.
So, they tried to explain it to him gently at first. Tried to tell him all the cons of being a musician. Instability in finance, no privacy, constant pressure, ‘all or nothing’ mentality, and the list went on and on and on. But Luke kept repeating to them, day after day, night after night, “I’ll do all of the bad stuff if it means that I can feel connected to the rest of the world through music. I’ll do all of it if I could just make people feel understood and valid, and alive.”
And Mitch would always just say, “That’s not your job, Luke. Leave it for someone else. You should focus on being able to provide for yourself and your family.”
And it went for months, and those months turned into years, and their gentle explanations turned to screaming and taunting and making comments about his choices. In the start, Luke would escape to Alex’s house, or Reggie’s, or Bobby’s. They’d never ask him to explain, and just cuddle with him and pretend not to notice when he cried, because they knew Luke would tell them when he was ready to.
By the time Luke was sixteen, he felt like he was immune to his parents’ words. It was the same thing over and over, like a broken record, and Luke had lost the will in him to fight his parents, to beg for their support and love. He just sat on the couch and listened as his parents screamed at him from behind.
“The boy never listens to me. He doesn’t understand that he needs to do something productive with his life.” Emily screamed.
“I worked so hard and paid so much money to get you into a good school, Luke, and you’re just going to waste it all away.” Mitch said.
“I mean, at least, think about your future family. No one will want to be a broke so-called rock star who’s scraping through life. Think of how you’ll provide for us when we’re old. Or are you going to make your father work all his life?” Emily yelled at him.
“Honestly, Emily, I think we should start keeping money aside for retirement. We shouldn’t trust him to be able to provide for us, if he won’t be able to provide for himself. We can’t be dependent on him if he’s going to have a very unstable job.” Mitch said.
And with all the screaming and taunts and the words echoing in Luke’s brain, he was surprised when his parents heard him. He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but he said it before he could stop himself.
“Pay attention to me, please.”
Emily and Mitch turned towards him so fast, but he remained seated on the couch, staring out the window. “What?”
“Pay attention to me, please.” Luke said, louder.
He stood up, turning to his parents, “For once in your life, please, just pay attention to me. Pay attention to what I want to do, and support me and love me for it. Listen to what I’m trying to say. Listen to what my vision, my goal in life is, instead of putting your goals on mine. Listen to what I’m thinking and what I’m trying to plan, keeping everyone in the loop, instead of throwing assumptions about what could be.
Please, just pay attention to the words I’m screaming so quietly at you.”
The Pattersons did not respond well to what Luke had said. Luke ran away for the first time that night, coming back after the police caught him three weeks later. And then at seventeen, he left for good. They never paid attention to him. They never listened to him.
In 2020, after Luke, Reggie, and Alex had become humans, and Julie had told Ray the full truth, Ray had enrolled them in Julie’s school. He had asked the boys to select the courses they would enjoy.
Luke wanted to choose music, and he knew he could, but his parents’s words stopped him. Because, what if they didn’t make it big? What if he was barely above the water? What if he couldn’t take care of Julie, of Alex, of Reggie? What if he failed his family?
Luke chose a programme he would never be happy in.
When he’d given his sheet to Ray, Ray had looked at his selections, and just said, “Are you sure, mijo?”
Luke nodded, though his eyes told a different story. His twisting fingers told a different story. His bouncing feet told a different story.
Ray had nodded, and pulled out his laptop to file it in.
When school had started, and Luke got his schedule, his eyes filled with tears when he saw the classes for the music programme instead of the sucky one he had chosen. Julie had hugged him, and Alex and Reggie wrapped themselves around him without a word. Maybe they knew. Maybe they didn’t. Luke was just happy in that moment.
That night, when Luke got a moment alone with Ray, he whispered, “Thank you.”
Ray knew what he was talking about and he said, “I’ve gotten good at paying attention to silent screams. You can be who you want in this house. No restrictions.”
Luke hugged Ray, sobbing uncontrollably.
Someone finally paid attention to him.
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