#rendering this was... a very “trust the process” HAHA

[temeyes]

happy birthday to the #1 grape juice lover

[averlym]

,,, sun-dappled sheets...

[luesmainblog]

hey i'm not an expert on this by any means but i did see a post talking about this so i figured i'd give my thoughts: i don't think it's actually THAT unusual to have a lot of third person memories that are real, IF first person is not your usual point of view. we're all aware that viewing the world from third person is a form of dissociation, but usually it's only talked about for specific events, so i wanna explain what it can look like when that's your CONSTANT state of being. essentially, my life lives between two pop-up windows. the first is the Actual Camera - what my eyes actually physically see, the proper first person POV that every human with visual sight experiences. like any normal person who isn't dissociating 24/7, this feeds me all the information i need, as well as a lot that i dont.

in my Mind's Eye, however, there's an alternative view - a third person re-interpretation of the scene, with much less detail and only the things that are actually important. when i'm FOCUSED on what i'm seeing, my life pretty much looks like the above; the third person view is always kept in mind, but i can see what i'm seeing. however, if i'm not actively focused on what's going on...

it flips, and my brain's re-imagining with only the important bits is more actively noticed. i can still see what i'm Seeing, i haven't gone blind or anything, but my brain is no longer paying very much attention to that, only using it to draw in information i need for this reimagining. these POVs flip depending on what i'm doing and which i 'need' more. this is usually when i'm doing tasks that don't require hyper focus, like walking through a hallway, sitting in a car, or cooking. I think this happens for a number of reasons, but the main two are this: i have a SHIT memory, often forgetting what happened two seconds after it's passed, and i have very poor visualization skills for Realism and First Person POV. real life simply has too many details for me to get right, and i'm usually stuck in a cartoon rendering of what i'm imagining; solid lines are easier to process and imagine than 3d objects in a 3d space with no clear dividing line.

because i struggle to visualize in first person, and that's the POV that my actual sight is in, visual memories are often the first thing to go. but i remember the FEELING very well, and the general knowledge of What Happened. so, my brain replaces the original visuals with the third person POV so i can 'see' what happened, not just Know it. I think this is actually why i started dissociating in third person all the time, so that i would always have it on-hand and ready to go when i inevitably lost the visual memories.

at the end of the day, life and reality are Perception, and your perception is strongly dependent on your brain's mental abilities. I'm not disturbed by living this way, i just have to try and remember that most people don't have that extra view. if anything, it does help remind me that the human memory is VERY fallible, and the only thing i can really trust for visuals is a camera, haha!

[thebandcampdiaries]

MidoriStars is creating a major buzz with her most recent work, "Shitsuren (失恋)"

April 2023 - MidoriStars is a talented artist with a focus on creating melodramatic pop-rock anime music. She recently managed to wrap up a new release called "Shitsuren (失恋)", which feels like a perfect example of her diverse flow and one-of-a-kind creative vision. The artist’s work is characterized by an outstanding combination of genres and influences. From the punch of pop-rock, down to the melodies and songwriting charms of the best Anime soundtracks, she is always happy to keep an open mind and allow her music to stretch out in different directions, rather than being stuck in the usual patterns all the time.

The new release, which also comes with an amazing music video that matches the vibes of the track visually, has a full, cinematic sound with a great production, and MidoriStars’s performance has a very charismatic feel to it. Any fan of artists such as Nothing But Thieves, Dead Rituals, Lady Gaga, Linkin Park and Florence + The Machine should have no trouble connecting with MidoriStars’s music, since this artist is definitely cut from the same cloth as all of the aforementioned industry greats!

Find out more about MidoriStars and do not miss out on "Shitsuren (失恋)". This release is currently available on all the best digital music streaming services.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12nYKNm_X64

We also had the opportunity to ask the artist a few questions. Keep reading to learn more!

I love how you manage to render your tracks so personal and organic. Does the melody come first, or do you focus on the beat the most?

Answer: Thank you! I usually come up with the lyrics first, then I find a melody for them, then a chord progression. Once I have something that resembles a song, I go to the studio and we start building everything else with my music producer, Ovidiu Dodo Moldovan and my guitarist friend, Petri Turcu. 

Do you perform live? If so, do you feel more comfortable on a stage or within the walls of the recording studio?

Answer: I’ve had a couple of short private “voice & piano” recitals, as I call them,  and I love how they feel, how I feel, I love all the buzz and excitement preparing for the event. 

In a way, it feels safer in the studio, because you can always record another take if you mess up, but it can also be a bit frustrating sometimes. When I’m in the studio, I feel that I am making something palpable and that is where I get to see my ideas come to life and take shape. This is something important for me. 

But if I had to choose just one, I’d say I’m more comfortable on stage. While on stage, I feel more vulnerable, especially since most of my songs are very personal, but I also forget I’m a perfectionist, I love being there, I go with the flow and I wish those moments could last forever.  

If you could only pick one song to make a “first impression” on a new listener, which song would you pick and why?

Answer: I would definitely pick Shitsuren, and not only because at the moment it’s my only original song out there haha. I’m actually very proud of how the song came out and how it evolved from being a dramatic, sad song, without personality, to the upbeat tune that it is now. I simply love the shamisen in it. Plus, I’ve been told that it’s very catchy, so I would pick this one to live rent-free in the new listener’s head. 

What does it take to be “innovative” in music? 

Answer: Authenticity and the courage to try something that you normally wouldn’t have thought of doing. I am quite stubborn and I tend to want to stick 100% to my ideas and not derail, but I am learning to be more open, to trust the process (and those that I am working with) and see where it takes me. 

The best example is probably my new song, Shitsuren (失恋), which initially sounded nothing as it sounds now. We only kept the lyrics and the melody from what I initially wrote, and as we started adding the traditional Japanese instruments, it’s almost as the song transformed by itself. It had found its voice, so to say. 

Any upcoming release or tour your way?

Answer: YESSS!! I’m currently waiting for a video to be finished and we’re already planning a new video as well. I’m also working on putting out a few more original songs and maybe a couple of covers, so I have enough material for a live concert. I’d love to be invited to play in Japan, it’s one of my dreams. 

Is there anywhere online where curious fans can listen to your music and find out more about you?

Answer: Definitely, I’m out there! My music is available on all the popular streaming platforms, I can be found as MidoriStars (with no space). I’m also working on an official website, but in the meantime, I am most active on Instagram as @midoristars, and recently I am trying to be more active on TikTok as well, also as @midoristars. 

[cdroloisms]

Do you think c! Quackity are skilled on the mastering of "necessary convincing" on a person? And man the stream yesterday was so intense dark theme.

hello ! 

this is testament of how behind i am in asks, haha, considering this was sent basically at the beginning of q’s visits and it’s been ,, uh ,, several months since then ASJKFLJAS - but im going to try to answer it now while pretending that we dont have months proving that c!quackity is very willing to do whatever the hell it takes to get the revive book from someone.

i think that the ,, technicalities? of the torture were never an issue - everyone in the dream smp universe has to know how to use a weapon in its most basic form, after all, just to defend themselves from mobs and stuff, tho some people are clearly more adept at using them than others. torture is ultimately just hurting someone until they do what you want them to do (way oversimplified, but this definition works here) - physically, if you’re able to kill a zombie, there’s functionally little different with inflicting harm on a defenseless unarmed human with no means of defending themselves.

the real challenge, as with most things in the minecraft roleplay, comes from the mental side - how far is c!quackity really willing to go? obviously he *can* hurt someone, but doing so also tends to go against a lot of our most basic instincts as humans. defying that becomes the real question to consider - and c!quackity, in his increased willingness to hurt not only c!dream, but everyone as he’s manipulated people more and used people more for his own gain in the last few months, seems to providing as much of an answer as we’re going to get. 

this obviously isnt to say that he isn’t conflicted, or that he’s pure evil !! but c!quackity, by his own admission, seems to hold little trust for other people and ideals anymore. his main goal is Las Nevadas and whatever he needs to make it great - anything and everything else is either a means to his end or an obstacle in his way. i dont doubt that there are chinks to this mindset to exploit, things that he cares about enough to take his single-minded focus off of Las Nevadas. as of now, though, i don’t think that torturing c!dream and the violence it’ll require of him will be that breaking point.

anyway, have a really dark snippet exploring c!quackity some more !! he’s really fun to write, though i don’t think i’ve really mastered his voice yet - practice makes perfect, i guess. heed the warnings and hope you enjoy! 

tw: torture, abuse, blood, injuries, branding, violence, death mention, abuse apologism, mental deterioration, dark content, dark imagery, very dark portrayal of c!quackity, pandora’s vault/prison arc

There’s a certain learning curve that comes with torturing someone.

It sounds obvious, thinking back, as much as it sounds morbid as all hell, but it’s not like he’s in any position to judge. Quackity swipes another stack of iron from a chest, momentarily grumbling about the cost, before melting down three ingots for the blade of his next axe. He could just do it in a crafting table, but there’s a degree of calm in the monotony of doing it all by hand, slowly watching as the iron begins to glow red hot in the heat of the furnace and then hammering it into shape on his anvil. He hadn’t been good at it before, had let Sapnap do the majority of the smithing for the three of them in the past, but. Well.

When you’re eating through several sets of iron tools a week, either from bending them out of shape against unforgiving obsidian or melting the blades past saving in lava or burning them all entirely, when he’s too tired to be bothered cleaning off the blood and simply chucks the used tools after a session into the molten rock outside the cell, you kind of have to figure out how to make your own shit so others don’t get suspicious.

He beats the metal into a block, humming softly over the clangs of his hammer. There’s definitely a learning curve to crafting weapons, too - he’s pretty proud of the ones that he can make, now, even though he’s still no good at any of the fancier furnishings and finishes (nor does he particularly care about them). Figuring out how to torture someone effectively was a similarly slow process - finding their limits and how far to push before something, inevitably, gives. He hadn’t exactly handled it the best in the first few visits, usually retching into the nearest wastebasket at the smell, at the feeling of blood coating his fingertips, at the screams ringing incessantly in his head. It wasn’t all that long before he forwent sleep altogether, devoting all of his time on paperwork and calls and anything that would deafen the cries that would’ve haunted him otherwise. He was no good with his tools, either - more than a few times, in those early visits, did he end up slicing too deep or going too far and needing to cut the session short for Sam to come in and administer health pots before Dream died and rendered all of their efforts useless.

(Sapnap had been the one to first teach him how to wield an axe, correcting his stance and his grip with gentle, calloused hands. He remembers them training on the newly laid dirt surface of Mexican L’manburg, sweat dripping down his neck from the sun beating against their heavy armor, Sap laughing at his unbalanced, heavy-armed swings and demonstrating with his own weapon, movements fluid and graceful as if it was an extension of his own arm. In the cell, he thinks of Sapnap’s voice, firm in his focus - feet at least shoulder width apart, hands braced on the axe handle, left sitting just above the end and the right just a few inches below the head - and swings.)

It had been...a process. A bloody, often painful process - his hands are calloused, now, in ways they never were before, from the constant handling of his many tools. His back aches constantly from bending over, and his shirt - more often splattered with blood than not - now bears some permanent pink stains that he can’t get out no matter how hard he tries. (The laundry, he thinks wryly, had been a hell of a learning process as well.) He picks up the metal with a pair of tongs, easing it back under the fire’s heat until it glows a soft pink, and then places it back onto the anvil to work - slowly beating the metal into shape.

He’s had to learn a lot. The lessons are fascinating, in a gruesome, morbid sort of way. He’d brought a brand the other day, painstakingly carved into a fancy, curlicued Q all on his own, used in his work at Las Nevadas originally to finish furnishing a few pieces of leather furniture he had scattered around the city. As Dream struggled under him, skin blackening under the white-hot metal, he’d immersed himself in the sight, far more similar to his past leatherwork than he might’ve originally expected. He almost wanted to do it again, just to compare, but the stress of it all had been enough to knock the prisoner into shock, which had put a significant damper on the rest of his visit. He watches the iron glow contemplatively from his anvil, not nearly as hot as he works at it.

Another dip in the furnace later, it’s heated just enough to work out the finishings, and he carefully knocks the ends into a blade. Picking it up with a pair of tongs, he holds it up to a nearby piece of glowstone, grinning at the finished axe head. There’s still quite a bit to do, technically - he still needs to sharpen it along with the other ones he’s finished, as well as fasten them to their handles, but even so - it looks good. He examines it, back and front, against the light. It’s probably his best one yet.

Quackity smiles to himself as he puts it down with the rest, pulling out his calendar from behind him and carefully marking another red X over the date. Learning to torture someone takes a hell of a lot of time, but. Well.

He has all the time in the world.

[chdarling]

6, 7, 34!!, 35

thank you love ❤️❤️

6. What element of writing do you find comes easily?

Tonight, absolutely nothing. It is all pulling teeth. 😭 Normally…I think probably dialogue. I have conversations with myself in my head all day long, so it’s not a big stretch to just to insert a fictional character or two in there and see what happens 😂

I absolutely love writing description and when I’m in the elusive Flow State it comes without too much struggle, but getting to flow state is so much work I don’t think it counts lol.

7. What element of writing do you struggle with most?

Honestly I don’t know if this counts, but focus. I have ADHD and sometimes this serves me really well (yay hyperfocus!) but sometimes (like tonight) it just renders my brain completely useless and it’s so frustrating because I have all the words in my head, I can see them swirling around, I stand up and walk to the kitchen and the perfect line that I’ve been searching for comes into my head, but the second I sit down at the computer my brain is just 500 browser tabs open, each playing a different audio sound. 😫😫😫

Some days it feels like a miracle that I’ve ever written a single page in my life. And then some days I’ll pop out three chapters in one sitting. Agghghdjkgshgjkhg.

…end rant. 😅

35. Ramble about any fic-related thing you want!

Oh, this is very open-ended! Hmm. I will ramble about TLE2 because that’s the only thing in my head right now haha. Writing it has been such a cool/weird/scary experience because I’ve never written such a large work a) on a deadline (self-imposed but still) and b) with people who actually want to read it waiting haha. TLE1 was my secret hobby for so long, and I just picked it up and played around with it every once in a while for years without showing it to anyone. I’m excited about TLE2 in that I’m using a lot of the skills and tricks I picked up from playing with TLE1 and it’s made the process much more efficient, but I’m also secretly really, really nervous about it because this is the fastest I’ve ever written anything and oh gosh what if it *needs* to simmer on my laptop for two years before its readable?? (It probably doesn’t but I have anxiety 😂) Mostly I’m just excited to share it with you though and I wish I would write faster 😂😂

34. Copy and paste an excerpt you’re particularly fond of.

Okay since you put two exclamation points after this one and also because I love you, I am going to give you an early TLE2 Jily scene. I so enjoy writing them pretending to hate each other. 😂

---------

“Hello, partner,” he said, dropping himself into the seat next to hers. She startled and turned to look at him. He noticed her eyes scan the room. “Only seat left,” he assured her. “Trust me, I checked.”

Lily pursed her lips. “What are you doing here?”

“Believe it or not, I go to school here. Small world, eh?”

“I mean here. This is Advanced Potions.”

“That would explain all the pickled salamanders,” said James pleasantly. “Oh...you thought I’d fail my O.W.L., didn’t you?”

Her cheeks went pink and James almost grinned, but he caught himself before it went too far.

“No,” she said, twisting a lock of red hair around her thumb. Why did she have to do that? Didn’t she know how mad it drove him? “I just never thought you had much interest in Potions, given that you’ve spent the past five years of class merely trying to blow things up.”

“Never underestimate the importance of knowing how to blow things up,” advised James, leaning comfortably back in his seat and stretching his arms behind his neck.

He glanced over his shoulder: Snape was still glaring daggers at him. James returned the glare with a smirk of his own. If he had to endure this, he might as well get some fun out of it. Knowing that his proximity to Lily Evans was torturing Snivellus nearly as much as it was torturing him was at least a minor consolation.

“And for your information,” he added coolly, “I Exceeded Expectations.”

“Well, you certainly exceeded mine.”

[ganderinggoosie]

Would you break down Kylo Ren, please?

Boy can I anon! :) Apologies as well for the late reply, i wanted to take my time for this one.

essentially the TL/DR version is: this character has been neglected and abused his entire life, believing he didn't belong anywhere with anyone. only after realizing his parents and Rey actually care about him does he gain the courage to “do the right thing.” He’s then written unceremoniously out of existence after saving and kissing Rey, only being happy for 10 seconds in hid entire life. Aint that dandy! :)

Idk how short of an explanation you want, but i also decided to list all of his major character arcs within his lifetime, simply because i care about this character A LOT. I haven’t written anything like an essay in a while, so i really couldn’t help myself haha. This list is also chronological, but ill keep it under a read-more for easy scrolling.

PRE-TFA

Literally been toyed with and corrupted SINCE BEFORE BEING BORN

A happy toddler who loved his parents and "uncles"

His parents loved him very much but didn’t treat him as a priority. Leia tended to focus on her political career and Han couldn’t shake his old nomadic ways. As a result, Ben ended up very isolated.

As he grew stronger and keener to the isolation, his parents feared him and his emotions. Leia sent him away to Luke’s academy, despite Han not wanting Ben to go.

Made friends in the academy, but still a loner. All the while the voices in his head (Snoke/palpatine) are growing louder and louder

Luke forcibly saw into his mind, intent on ending ben’s life until changing his mind. Naturally this upset Ben, seeing as he figured what was left of his family that cared about him wanted him dead. He then collapsed the building, trapping Luke inside.

While deciding to run away, a storm (inferably caused by Snoke/Palpatine) struck fire to the Jedi Temple, killing the students inside. Ben attempted to save a few, but failed.

Ran into the arms of the First Order and the Knights of Ren, since snoke gaslit him into believing it was the only place he could be.

Trained under The KOR and Snoke as a dark side force warrior. Mainly used asa spiritual tool to snuff out Jedi rather than a political tool for the FO.

Tasked with finding Luke Skywalker, sets the beginning of TFA in motion.

TFA

Demonstrates his capability in dark side tendencies by torturing Poe for information

Chooses not to acknowledge Finn’s deflection

immediately gets distracted from his mission of finding bb8 once learning there is a girl involved with this situation.

remains primarily on the defense while subduing rey, carries her away manually to his ship for interrogation. its notable to mention that Han was completely unworried for rey as she was being taken; he knew rey was strong enough to resist and he knew his son’s shortcomings. 

willingly unmasks to rey while interrogating her; this is to show the audience that not only is he making himself more vulnerable and relatable to rey, but also to show that he’s completely opposite to what rey was expecting.

Their connection is formed as they push into each other’s minds

snoke tells him to kill his father in order to complete the training. ben loves his father dearly but genuinely believes he’s too far gone to do anything contradictory to snoke’s orders.

senses it when han arrives at Starkiller, and ignores him. referential material implied that kylo wanted to give han the chance to escape, but when Han sought him out then he reacted.

kills han, the deed “splitting him to the bone” 

survived, but gravely injured by Chewbacca’s bowcaster blast (shown previously blowing up 6 troopers at once). Sees Finn and Rey, becoming enraged, and follows them.

intercepts rey and finn in the forrest. angrily taunts them while beating his wounds. sends rey back into a tree in self-defense. demands to take the legacy saber, fighting with finn in the process. its notable that his fighting style while on the offensive is extremely akin to a berserker method; precise and accurate but brutal and excessive. ends up slashing finn and rendering him unconscious.

is in awe of rey’s ability to call the saber to her, fights her less-aggressively in order to corner her and offer her guidance. naturally she refuses, and taps into the force to overpower him and leave him bleeding on Starkiller as her and Finn rejoin the resistance.

TLJ

approaches snoke in his throneroom, visibly injured and emotional as a result of his fight with rey and the death of his father. snoke mocks his “weak” emotional state and calls him a “child in a mask.”

is hurt by snoke’s remark, an destroys his mask in a rage.

leads an arial attack on the Resistance ships, demonstrating his skills as a pilot. When he has an opportunity to blow up his mother’s ship, he doesn’t; he loves her far too much and cant physically bring himself to repeat the horror of killing Han. Unfortunately, one of the TIE pilots do instead. (later he is relieved to still feel his mother through the force.)

while in a medbay getting treatment for his scar, the force connects him with rey for the first time. both are surprised by this turn of events, and Kylo is more curious as to the logistics of the connection rather than being angry at the sudden appearance of his enemy.

connects with rey again as she is in the rain, still fascinated by how exactly the bond works. rey is still enraged by his presence as he casually mentions that Luke isnt the saintly figure she sees him as. Agrees with her as she angrily calls him a monster; instead of a taunt its actually a display of self-loathing. he then wipes his face after their connection ends, demonstrating that the bond they share permeates a physical space (as well as being a metaphor of the palpable tension between him and rey).

connects with rey again, this time with him in a state of partial undress. rey asks him if he could put a shirt on and he doesn't, despite the fact his shirt is on the desk a few feet away. the narrative purpose of this introduction is to show that rey is physically attracted to him and he knows it.

tells rey his story of Luke attempting to kill him, then tells her his nihilistic outlook of “letting the past die.” they disconnect, but rey ends up following his advice and explores the darker part of the island (a metaphor for HER darker side).

Later connects with rey again as she tearfully tells how alone she felt while in the cave attempting to find herself. Him, visibly touched by her story and the fact she trusts him enough to confess something so personal, tearfully tells her that she’s not alone. they then touch hands, doing so granting them visions of the supposed future. Luke angrily blasts apart the cabin, forcefully ending their connection.

Rey flies to him on the Supremacy, and he cuffs her to take her to snoke. (It’s important to mention that in the novel adaptation of the movie, it’s more of a playful and flirtatious banter between the two instead of a prisoner/hostage situation.) While on the elevator rey begs him to join her, as he counters and says that she’ll eventually join him instead.

While in snoke’s throne room, Kylo submissively kneels as snoke tortures rey for information. he occassionally looks up woefully at her, and eventually turns the saber on snoke after saying “he knows what he has to do.” He and rey team up to fight the Praetorian Guards and end up defeating them together.

Pleads with Rey to join him in leading the darkside as rey pleads with him to save the resistance fleet. Kylo tells her that he saw who her parents were and that she was nothing to them and had no place in that particular story. he then clumsily adds “but not to me” and begs her to join him again. the two then fight over the legacy saber, only to have it explode and knock them both back.

passed out from both the blast of the saber and Holdo blasting through the ship, kylo awakens to find rey gone. heartbroken and furious at her supposed betrayal of his trust, he violently declares himself the new Supreme Leader and orders an attack on Crait.

on Crait, he shows that not only is he deeply impulsive, but also an ultimately poor leader. he’s fine until noticing the millenium falcon, then finally loses it in a fury of rage and heartbreak. Luke skywalker understands the irrational state his nephew is in, and takes advantage of his irrationality to aid the resistance. his fight with luke was simply a distraction and taunt, resulting in a massive tactical failure.

kneels in defeat while clutching his father’s lucky dice, only to be connected with rey one more time. she distainfully “shuts the door” on him, and he recoils sadly as the dice disappear.

PRE-TROS

featured in supplimental material as a ruthless leader, hellbent on finding the resistance and eliminating threats to the First Order.

is shown to take plenty of self-assigned solo missions, implying that he doesnt truthfully care about the governmental aspect of being supreme leader.

TROS 

Begins the film on Mustafar, fighting a band of cultists dedicated to Darth Vader, taking the wayfinder they were protecting. in earlier drafts of the movie (as well as probable deleted scenes) Kylo then sees a character known as the Oracle on Mustafar, who cryptically tells him about Palpatine, Rey’s heritage, as well as his affection for rey that he attempts to deny.

he flies to Exogol, where he discovers that it was actually palpatine whos been manipulating him his entire life. threatens to kill palpatine but humors him as palpatine offers promises of utter domination if kylo could kill rey. naturally he has no intention of doing so.

Later connects with rey as she is training. its unclear if hes the one making the training droid react negatively to her or if hes simply observing her and attempting to catch her off-guard.

unites with the knights to rebuild his mask (for some reason).

informs the First Order officials he knows one of them is a spy (for some reason). 

connects with rey as she’s on pasaana, taunting her and stealing her necklace in order to track her location.

arrives to pasaana and witnesses rey trying to drag a ship down. holds back the ship in order to see if she’d tap into the dark side to bring it down, which she does.

follows rey to kijimi as she boards his ship and steals the dagger he has. tells her the “true history” of her parentage while also stating that he’d never lie to her. they fight (him on defensive) and she destroys his room. they meet again in person, him unmasking to show hes being sincere in proposing to her again; saying they’re a dyad and they belong together. she denies, again, and flees. 

meets her again on the Death Star, remarking that neither of them could return to the light since the pair of them are too far ingrained into the dark. He destroys the wayfinder she found, believing they’ll only get to Exogol together. they fight, again, with him on the defensive, again.

towards the end of their fight its clear that rey is exhausted, so he backs away and lowers his weapon. however, at this exact instance, Leia chooses to call out to him via the force. (it is unclear if she does this to distract him or if she does this because she knows she’s ill and wants to see him before she passes.) While he is distracted, rey grabs his saber and fatally stabs him. he collapses, feeling his mother’s death and the resignation that the woman hes in love with ended him. However, rey immediately regrets hurting him and uses the force to heal him. she confesses that had he been Ben rather than Kylo, she would’ve taken his hand. 

While gazing out to sea alone, Kylo hears the voice of his father. He turns, and it met with a vision of Han. Han tells him to “come home” and that the light within Ben was always there. Han caresses his cheek like he did in TFA. Ben, crying, starts to say something but is so overcome with emotion that all he can manage is “dad.” Han smiles and says “i know,” a callback to his line to Leia in ESB.  With the forgiveness of his father and the newfound strength and motivation, ben throws his saber into the ocean, effectively cementing his persona Kylo Ren officially dead.

as rey is in danger on Exogol, Ben flies an abandoned TIE (inferably left in the Death Star wreckage) there and sprints, armed with only a blaster, and launches himself into danger to help rey.

their bond connects as she’s about to pledge to the sith and as the knights of ren are about to kill him. he wordlessly assures her that he’s there for her and that its ok to reveal that shes part of a dyad. she agrees, passing along her saber to him through their bond. Ben kills the Knights as rey kills the sith guardians.

the pair of them reunite, but only for palpatine to sap their life force, made more powerful due to them being a dyad. once significantly weakened, Palpatine launches Ben into a pit. 

After defeating palpatine, rey dies. Ben manages to climb out of the pit and crawls over to rey, severely injured. he then embraces her lifeless body and cries for her, knowing then what he needs to do.

Ben heals rey with the force, bringing her back to life. Rey, elated to see him, cups his face as he cries and smiles feebly. she kisses him and caresses his face again, him smiling and chucking for the first time the entire series. At peace and healed by the redemptive power of being in love and having that person love him back in return.

he then immediately falls over dead and disappears into the force, thereby ruining all semblance of a skywalker legacy and redemption arc. FOR. SOME. REASON.

[jamiewoolleyart]

I was wondering how you make your animatics? They're very beautiful and I'm trying to make one and it's a little confusing how I should go about it

hey thanks! So, I’m not entirely sure what part of the process you’re asking about, but I can give some general tips? (BUCKLE UP)

For what programs to use/how to compile it, you’ll probably have to figure out what works for you/is available to you, etc. etc.

For actually coming up with an idea —> to actually executing it, it def depends on your creative process but I can break down mine?

1) I’m the type of person that will have a creative revelation mid car ride or like in the dead of night lol, and whenever possible I immediately begin scribbling down notes & ideas bc I don’t trust my memory not to pull a fast one on me. I posted these sketches on my twitter for my last animationatic, which I scribbled down in my car in the disneyland parking lot before meeting up with my family haha bless their patience

these can be rly rough & tumble wild and only have to make sense to you! this little sketch was my fave to rediscover later ahahahha:

2) Next is thumbnails!!!! Crucial!!! Usually!! A few times I’ve tried to dive right in without doing them and it just turns out to be a convoluted mess….. plus it’s nice to have a place to draw like absolute garbage & its just mentally mapping out your drawings. My one for my Strawberry Blond/Life in Your Shape Animatic was kinda unique in that I fit it all in one page & also that really most of it stayed basically the same!! Only a few things in the middle changed, rly

you’ll see I don’t bother with clean lines or even squares or like if only one thing is changing I’ll just draw the new thing and not redraw the whole panel (ex: snufkin during “I give you a grin”). I also scribble a lot of “what if??” notes in the corners and alternate ideas

3) actually drawing it out!! I work in photoshop and to keep things simple each panel is its own file. sometimes just Starting is really hard for me so I make myself just draw ANYTHING with the promise that I’ll come back later…… for example lol…… the first panels w/ them lying in the grass were originally sO ??? not up to my standard but I was like “UGH!! WHATEVER!!” and didn’t know how to draw them yet, and I didn’t revisit until I had drawn like everything else, and by then it was waaaay easier to draw them!!

A lot of time though I won’t really do underdrawings (the thumbnails are essentially my underdrawings, plus animatics aren’t supposed to be super clean!!) tho if something’s distractingly messy I’ll definitely come back to it and clean it up.

Oh also Quick Tip:

the best tool in the entire universe for me for animation is the WARP TOOL (in PS, right click a selection, choose free transform, right click again & pick warp) it saves soooo much redrawing time and is a super fast sneaky way to give a drawing way more life with minimal effort. Yeah baby. (Don’t over do it tho, & I usually have to do some clean up, but yeah really good for subtle movements and is basically exclusively what I use for anything wind-blown)

Anyway I’m already regretting how long this is but there’s no stopping me now.

So by now I’ve drawn out all my panels, and during the whole time I’ve had the folder open in finder (I use a mac, not sure what PC equivalent to this is, some people use bridge? I hate bridge LOL) to click through my files to see if they’re working. there’s probably a better naming convention but I do this to keep them in order:

I’m always going back and adding inbetween panels when needed ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I got called out in a recent class for having wack naming conventions eriuhgehgierhg BITE ME

4) ready to COMPILE THAT MF!!!!! I import everything into After Effects and do frame by frame animation there because I haven’t figured out a less tedious way where I still feel in control. I use a lot of comps & it’s a big process but very fun cuz then you can see it come to life!

5) At this point I’ll usually find big gaps in timing that I hadn’t realize and I have to go back and redraw/add more panels. orz ….. but honestly some of my favorite moments come from that!! This scene where moomin grabs snufkin’s hat was one of those… sometimes, despite your BEST efforts at planning, things turn out way different but that can be really fun!

Anyway that’s it, then i render & upload it Ha-cHa-ChA~!!!

(oh wait!! i forgot to talk about screen direction!!! ah well another time..)

Best of luck in your ventures!

[jonsameta]

Hi, me again!

jesuiscommejesuis: Haha, I’m on that GoT grind and probably won’t stop until the premiere 😂. I trust your opinion so unfortunately you have to endure another ask from me. Anyway…I think that most of us have considered the possibility of Jonsa not being canon. (RIP me if that happens). But my question isn’t about whether Jonsa will be or won’t be (I’ve come to terms with the fact that GoT will end how GRRM always intended it to end) it’s about what that possibility means for all of the evidence, clues, foreshadowing, etc that we’ve gathered. In your opinion will Jonsa not happening render those clues and meta meaningless and we were all crazy after all? Or do they take on a new meaning and point us in a new direction? Idk if that even makes sense. Maybe I’m just afraid that Jonsa wont happen and I’m afraid for no other reason other than that I will have looked and sounded insane to all of my GoT friends and had nothing to show for it. Also do you know of any interviews or blog posts from GRRM possibly supporting Jonsa? Same for D&D? Or any other people on or working with the show? Thank you so much!! 💙

—-

Hi there, 

The thing about theories is they’re like Shrodinger’s cat. If you try to be objective, you have to entertain the possibility that it won’t happen, but it can’t completely be false until proven otherwise. That said, some theories are more probable than others because there’s material within the text that thematically undoes something. This is because a story’s themes (which differs depending on the adaptation but it can’t be completely divorced from the original source either) define its boundaries because they essentially make up “the heart of the story”, not the plot. They give the main characters a moral dilemma that drives their journeys. Considering the themes of the story - both bookwise and showwise - Jonsa is very probable because it answers a lot of long standing character arcs that go beyond these characters and provides a bookend that Jon/Dany cannot considering R+L=J. 

I think anything in this story has to be considered according to the politics - even the fantasy part because the personal is political. With such a spread out story only the themes and the morality dilemmas of politics that the smallest moment can have is what holds it all together. And I think the strongest argument for the probability of Jonsa comes from a structural level of gauging the politics. 

Jon’s parentage is a political game changer and the way it’s been built up it cannot just be for personal angst - especially when the element of his parentage revealing him to have a higher claim than Dany is brought up. It doesn’t just affect him or his relationship with Dany. It affects Westeros and Dany’s own longstanding goal.

Jon may not want to be king, but Dany is walking in as a very unpopular figure into the North and the way she has gone about her campaign hasn’t improved her reputation and only worsened it. And Jon himself will lose popularity after having 1) bent the knee to a Targaryen, 2) consorting with a Targaryen and 3) being a secret Targaryen. 

Dany doesn’t realise that although Jon claims to have pledged his allegiance to her, it doesn’t mean the North has fallen into her hands. He’s only lost their faith from this move so no Targaryen by themselves could claim the North. Not to mention the Vale and Riverlands are more allied to Sansa than they are to Jon. To regain faith, he’d have to separate himself from Dany and the Targaryen identity a bit and yet he would need a political statement that only a marriage alliance to Stark could give if he were to remain in power. There’s also the pesky issue of how unknowingly Sansa and the Starks have more allies than Dany (or Jon without the Starks) does as everyone comes into Winterfell. So Sansa’s constant label as “key to the North” and the importance of marriage alliances becomes very important here. He can’t become king or even gain the faith of the people (back) without Sansa. So in that case, the whole notion of the Pact of Ice and Fire being fulfilled through Dany and Jon falls apart because Jon will be seen as an outsider. @thelawyerthatwaspromised has even written a post with infographics to make it easier to understand. It’s like R+L=J resets the chessboard. Ironically, what the audience thought Jon/Dany’s union would do politically is far more possible through Jon/Sansa. 

As it makes sense as a political match, the possibility of it happening and impacting the narrative increases a lot more. The original outline also matters here because clearly the pseudo-incest tag didn’t stop the author. However, as the characters haven’t interacted in real time in the books and aren’t close, there’s not much people have asked him about it nor has GRRM has said about it unless you count his vague reply once (”I won’t say more than I’ve already said in the books”). I’d say there’s more to be gauged from what he has to say about other ships that fandom roots for, that isn’t as positive as they make it out to be - whether Jon/rya, San/San, San/rion or Jon/Dany. It’s not obvious because he hardly shuts down possibilities but there’s reading between the lines. It becomes more obvious through a process of elimination. It’s also because Jon/Sansa as a ship tramples over so many ships that fandoms have banked on that people are inclined to dismiss it rather than re-evaluate the pre-existing ships. 

On the show, people have been coy too but there’s more content to gauge as the characters have already reunited and their dynamic has become pretty pivotal to the story. Where D&D shut down Dany and Yara ever happening, in the same panel they evaded a question about Jon and Sansa being developed as a romantic relationship. Aiden Gil/lian commented on how Jon’s parentage opens up possibilities for Jon and Sansa’s relationship romantically at the end of season 6. Sophie was asked about it post season 6 and she said it was possible because it’s GOT and they’re cousins. Also, there’s Liam Cunnin/gham who once liked a Jonsa fanvideo lol and he barely has any likes. Sophie has said it’s possible, even as she joked about how it would be embarrassing to film an intimate scene. Kit has somehow avoided all questioning, but he has some pretty interesting reactions regarding Jon and Sansa’s relationship - either in the words he chooses (”She twists him like no one else”) or how over the top his reaction to Sansa is when he talks about how annoying she is to the point where he’s flushed and red and laughing while saying “I’ve gotten really animated now that Sansa has come into the story”. Bryan Cogman has a lot to say regarding this dynamic too, that he even wrote Jon leaving Ghost behind to watch over Sansa when he left for Dragonstone. 

What helps regarding the show is that it’s not just the actors or the political sense, but the camerawork and visual framing that makes their scenes very confusing because they’re shot as a romantic couple about to happen, as @trinuviel has explored in her series “All is Subtext”.  This notion that it was “framed” or “shot” that way was echoed by multiple reviewers and podcasts through season 6 and even into the beginning of season 7. 

A huge part of this was because it very subtly visually paralleled more positive romantic ships on the show like Ned/Cat, Jaime/Brienne, Robb/Talisa, Sam/Gilly, Missandei/Greyworm and even Jon/Ygritte to some extent. This is over a course of 7 episodes under 5 different directors. One of the most telling scenes for me was when they did two back to back parallels to Ned/Cat and Jaime/Brienne after Jon chokeholds Littlefinger over Sansa and they go on to give a Jaime/Brienne-esque goodbye. The same director Mark Mylod directed both the season 6 Jaime/Brienne and season 7 Jon/Sansa goodbye. Bryan Cogman even confirmed that the Littlefinger chokehold was meant to parallel Ned doing the same over Cat. 

But in my opinion, what weirdly cemented it was how Jon/Dany contrasted Jon/Sansa’s dynamic and framing. There were a lot of structural decisions made that undercut the Jon/Dany “romance” and made Jon/Sansa look more compatible and romantic, which is something I explored in my “Undoing Romance” series. Again, this is looking beyond the actors. The biggest tell for me was that they never got a first kiss so romantic tension was never released but just dissipated over plot exposition. Moreover, how is it that Jon and Sansa have more parallels with romantic ships than Jon/Dany do? Why do Jon/Sansa have more Robb/Talisa framing through season 6 than Jon/Dany through season 7 if that’s what’s happening? Why was there no passionate first kiss like theirs? We just skipped to the sex in between a montage that told us how related they are. 

Why didn’t Jon look back at Dany when Jorah did, while he looked back at Sansa? Why does Jon react more violently to Sansa’s suitors than to Jorah? Why are these characters caught in triangle with interlopers, who pose a political threat but are also interested in one romantically? Why is this dynamic given so much importance where there’s tension but also there’s emotional vulnerability that pours out contrasting Jon/Sansa’s and Sansa and Arya’s season 6 and season 7 battlements scenes respectively. Why did they reveal R+L=J at the end of season 6 - the season in which people questioned what the hell was happening in the Jon/Sansa dynamic and a whole season before Jon met Dany. Both season finales also teased conflict because of political claims that change because of R+L=J. Where his parentage reveal, relieves Jon/Sansa of the direct incest factor because it biologically distances them, it makes Jon and Dany biologically more related - especially because she’s heavily inbred herself. 

So it is a situation of “will they/won’t they?” but even more subtly because the cast and crew always skips past discussing it and with Jon/Dany happening people take it as accidental chemistry. There’s no heavy dismissal from the TPTB though when there could’ve been or laughing at it like Tormund and Brienne, which is totally for laughs and a show ship. What they do keep saying is that this relationship is key to watch and you have to wonder: why is it so important? To me it’s not about the actors chemistry or singular scenes. It’s about the story’s intrinsic narrative structure and the camera framing that makes the visual subtext convey more than the text does. 

The show frames Jon and Sansa’s relationship is odd because we know they weren’t close and Arya was his favorite and yet they take up quite an important part in each other’s arc at this point, where they both want to trust each other completely but don’t and yet their vulnerability comes out most around each other in these last two seasons. They’re being built up more slowly than Jon/Dany and more subtly so while people expect a full blown romance, I expect something more subtle, more quiet and thus emotionally rewarding for these characters individual and collective arcs. If it happens, D&D are building it up as a plot twist/game changer because it’s related to politics. But it’s not to say there can’t be emotional catharsis too because these characters have a lot of issues that they answer pretty well. 

Hope that answers your questions. 

- lostlittlesatellites

[rawbin69]

Hello! I found you on YouTube just recently and your artwork/videos are so FREAKING GORGEOUS WHAT HOW ARE YOU NOT MORE POPULAR??????

I was scrolling through your videos and am enamored by your talent and style and I'd love to commission you for a PMV, if you're open to comissions??

If you're willing and interested, I'd love to chat over on Discord about it! I just didn't want to send you a straight message there without any warning or anything as I thought that might be crossing some boundaries a literal stranger shouldn't....^^;

But pls let me know if you're interested! I'd love to commission you if at all possible! ♡♡♡

Hi!!! Thank you so so much for even considering commissioning me at all, it means a lot :-D I also appreciate telling me here first lol because it's easier to,,, idk, talk this way for me? Feels like there's less pressure haha because I'm not DIRECTLY speaking to somebody ^^

My commissions have been closed for a while now, but I'm intrigued and will make an exception :-0 I've never done a PMV commission before, it could be fun! I think whether I'd do it depends on how long the PMV is and what song? (Also price I guess but ngl, price isn't too important to me - I don't want to undersell myself because of the principle of it, but I actually don't care lololol but anyways my prices are very flexible! I could take 1$ for every frame and be happy with that lmao)

Anyways, if it's a song I like and the script is fun enough and the designs simple enough, I'd love to do it! :-D You're free to ask me in DMs on discord (my tag is Sweetfrost#8870 btw, but I will change it pretty soon - like I've said before, I'm in the process of rebranding everywhere) and I might say yes! But, please keep in mind, I might say no for one reason or another. I do art for fun, and drawing stories is fun, but only if it's a story that I actually like and my tastes are a bit specific when it comes to stories. ^^

Anyways some hard "no"s on things I won't do that I'll state right away just in case to avoid any Awkward Conversation (including some obvious ones that I don't think anybody would ever ask and some things that are just Personal):

- no sexual NSFW

- Nothing homophobic, racist, transphobic, ableist etc

- No pedophilia, even if it's depicted as bad, it makes me uncomfortable and I don't trust myself to depict it well enough

- Only feral animals. No anthros, humans, etc; not confident enough just yet

- No human structures, like buildings (except for like- fences, if you wanna include a kitty pet I guess? Just don't expect it to look good)

- No extremely detailed designs. It's not fun to draw the same 29 stripes over and over (if yours are really complicated I could just simplify them though!!!)

- REALLY can't do commissions on a time limit. Like- obviously one like "please update me at least once a month" is Valid but I'm busy with stuff and also my inspiration levels fluctuate a lot so sometimes I'll get 20 fully rendered drawings done in a day then 0 in months, and I don't like being forced, y'know?

there's probably more but oh well. If those conditions or whatever you want to call them are fine, feel free to HMU! :-D

[pinklemonademoon]

Hello! I'm your secret santa!

Writing isn’t my strong suit, but I really hope you like it

It Shouldn’t Be Like This

Connor was sitting on floor in the hallway with his back against the wall, crying, looking at the bag at his feet.

It shouldn’t be like this!

Kevin was supposed to be his and only his, not some random girl’s!

He felt so empty, like something inside of him had been taken away and his blood had turned to ice.

I had been six hours since he found out, that Kevin had been sleeping with some good-for-nothing, probably-evil-and-in-tow-with-the-devil girl.

  It had been a coincidence really; Kevin’s phone had been ringing while he was showering and Connor had picked it up. Before he could tell the caller that he was not, in fact, Kevin, the caller had begun speaking. “Kevin are you coming over tonight?” The voice was clearly female, and drawled on alluringly, “I miss and I need you.”

“Excuse me?” asked Connor, confused.

“I know you’re supposed to be with Connor tonight, but I really want you to come over; I wanna have some… fun.” Connor’s blood ran cold. “Please Kevin, can’t you just… ditch him? I need really you.”

A big knot had started to form in Connor’s throat, rendering him speechless he looked down at the display. It read Allison. He stared at the name in utter disbelief, searching for words. “Kevin?…” The disembodied voice, now identified as Allison, questioned.

“Who are you?” Connor demanded, after a while cursing the trembling his voice was succumbing to. The other end of the line went silent for 10 solid seconds, before a muffled chant of “fuck fuck fuck” was muttered from Allison’s end and then it went dead.

Connor lowered the phone to his side and just stood there frozen in place, a chilling hollowness filling his chest. The disbelief quickly turned into a feeling of betrayal, as he wondered who this Allison was and why she “needed” Kevin.

He quickly dismissed it, however, because Kevin would NEVER do that!

While he was pacing back and forth, lost in his thoughts, Kevin had entered the living room. He was clad only in his underwear and his hair was still damp from the shower. He winked at Connor when he caught his eyes, but when he saw the look on his boyfriend’s face, his smile faltered.

“Who’s Allison?” Connor asked flatly.

Kevin was caught off guard, his eyes flicked to his phone in Connor’s hand and realization hit him.

“I-I-I…” a red blush had started to form on his cheeks and he gestured defensively. “It’s not what you think, Connor. I promise…It’s…”

Connor crossed his arms and jutted his hip out impatiently, as Kevin stumbled over the words. “What do you mean ‘it’s not what you think’?” he snapped impatiently, casting his previous rationalizations aside. The look on Kevin’s face said all he needed to hear, but he asked nonetheless, “Have you been cheating on me?”

“No, I would never cheat on you, Honey,” Kevin stammered, advancing towards Connor. But Connor would have none of it and stepped back, avoiding the outstretched arm. Kevin stopped in his tracks, his arm falling back at his side.

“‘I wanna have fun, please Kevin I need you’” Connor mimicked, the mockery thick in his tone.

A flash of sheer terror flitted across Kevin’s face and then he said something that made Connor’s heart shatter into a million pieces;

“It-it… It was nothing! It’s you I love! Please Connor forgive me!”

Connor stood horrorstruck, staring at Kevin in disbelief. The hope that this was all just a misunderstanding dissipated into thin air with those very words.

“S-So you admit it? You cheated on me?” Connor was on the verge of tears. Kevin shook his head desperately. “It meant nothing, please! I’ll never talk to her again I swear! Please forgive me.” Connor shook his head violently and started pacing towards the door. This was too much. Kevin paced after him and when he got a hold on Connor’s shoulder, the latter turned around forcefully, shrugging Kevin’s hand off in the process.

“How could you Kevin!” Connor practically screamed! “Why would you do that to me?”

“I’m sorry, I was stupid.” Kevin panicked.

“Yeah? You are fucking stupid!” Connor nodded and turned to leave. “Don’t ever speak to me again, Kevin Price.”

Connor had barricaded himself in the bedroom after that, back against the door.

He wouldn’t let Kevin in, never again.

Kevin had been knocking, begging Connor to come out and talk to him, but Connor had blocked out Kevin’s pleas. It was excuses and nothing could excuse what he had done.

How could Kevin be so selfish?

All Connor wanted to was to open the door and yell at Kevin like he’d never yelled before, tell him that he was the worst excuse for a human being ever. The hurt he had felt had turned to a silent rage and in any other situation it would be tempting to let it all out, now that he was entitled to do so. But in that moment, it didn’t seem that satisfying.

Why should he waste his energy on someone who broke him so badly? A cautious knock on the door stirred him from his thoughts.

“Go away Kevin, go be with your girlfriend.” Connor sighed in a small defeated voice, through the door.

Connor heard a sliding noise and a small thump. Kevin had sat down on the other side of the door.

“Connor I’m sorry, I love you.” Kevin pleaded.

“I don’t care” said Connor flaty.

And there he sat for hours on the cold, unforgiving floor of their bedroom, listening to Kevin’s empty pleas and long winded excuses.

He didn’t know how long he had been sitting there, before he heard Kevin get up and move around. He knocked on the door and spoke softly “Connor I’m gonna give you space to think, I’m gonna go away for a couple of hours… okay?” he paused hopefully and continued, “I’ll bring back some pizza and maybe then we can talk, alright?”

Connor gave him no response and he could hear Kevin lingering on the other side of the door for a while, before he finally heard a muffled sigh followed by footsteps, slowly retreating.

He let out the breath he didn’t know he had been holding and listened intensely for a couple of minutes, before he heard the front door open and then slam shut. Kevin was gone.

Connor felt the wave hit him like a brick. He burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably.

How could he? They had been together for seven years, did it really mean so little to Kevin?

Kevin who came into his life when he was at an all time low?

Kevin who made his life make sense?

Kevin who who broke his heart.

Kevin the selfish son of a bitch!

He wrapped his arms around himself, hugging his knees tightly to his chest. It came in waves; at times his chest convulsed with heavy sobs, at times it faltered to just a shaky sniffle.

Just as fast as it had started, it stopped and anger took over like a whirlwind.

“FUCK you Kevin!” Connor screamed, banging his elbow into the door and kicking out at nothing in particular. “I’m done. I’m fucking…” He gulped, glancing hesitantly around the room. “…leaving this goddamn place!”

He got to his feet quickly and paced to the closet and took out his rolling bag and tossed it on the bed. Cursing under his breath, he pulled out his clothes and tossed them haphazardly in the bag. He proceeded to skim the whole apartment, for his most important possessions, carefully packing them too. When the bag couldn’t hold any more, he zipped it and glanced around. It suddenly didn’t feel like home anymore.

His eyes caught the frames on the dresser. He lifted one of them tentatively. It was a framed picture of him and Kevin from their holiday in Disneyland Orlando.

They were both smiling, wearing some stupid hats Kevin had bought in one of the stores, and having the time of their lives.

Connor’s face scrunched up as his thoughts went back to the present and he tossed it across the room it disgust. He stood there, willing his self control to come back as one of his happiest memories hit the wall, shattered, and fell to the floor.

“Just like my heart,” he muttered to himself.

Connor opened the dresser, dug out some paper and a pen, and, shaky but determined, proceeded to the living room table. Pulling out a chair, he sat down and began to form a letter.

Kevin

  I’m leaving and I’m not coming back.

You did this, but that’s okay, because it’s pretty clear that you don’t care about me haha

I will be back to figure out what we’re gonna do with the apartment and to pick up the last of my stuff. But it’s probably best if I’m not near you for a while.

We’ve been together for seven years.

Seven years! - does it mean anything to you? well clearly not!

You created a wall between you and me and that wall will stand forever, because I will never ever forgive you for what you’ve done. You broke me and I feel empty and cold inside and I hope you’re happy.

You were all I ever wanted and you were MINE. Or so I thought. You were the person I trusted the most in this world. Funny you, who of all people, know how hard it is for me to open up. And you chose to throw it away for some stupid bitch!

To be honest I don’t know if I’m ever gonna be able to love someone as much as I loved you, but now I’ll never know, ‘cause I likely won’t trust anyone ever again.

You were my everything, my whole world, but now that that’s gone, I hope you gained something from this.

  Goodbye Kevin

Don’t try to contact me.

  Connor

  He then folded the letter and wrote “read me” on top of it, before arranging it on the table, with a final sigh.

He grabbed his bag and keys, before hurrying to the hallway, before he could change his mind. Just as he was about to open the door, he felt a wave coming, so he slid down the wall and that’s how Connor ended up on floor in hallway.

He put his head in his hands as the first sob came. Where could he go? Where could he live? He inhaled sharply, willing his voice to stop trembling, while he fished his phone out of his pocket and dialled his best friend, Poptarts.

The other end was picked up immediately, to his great relief.

“Hey Connor, how are you?” Poptarts said in a very cheery tone.

Connor took another deep breath before answering.”He cheated on me,” he said, voice almost cracking on the last word.

“Oh shit are you for real Connor? Do you need me to come over?” Poptarts asked, startled.

“No I… I need a place to stay… C-c-can I come over to you?” Connor stumbled over the last sentence, looking down the hallway.

“Of course! You can stay as long as you need.”

“Okay I’ll be right over.”

“Connor are you su-”

Connor hung up before Poptarts could finish.

He got up and wiped his face with his sleeve. With one final glance over his shoulder he took his bag, opened the door, and left.

And just like that, Connor was gone…

The end    

[purge-that-urge-rhackathon]

i need you, though. with rhack maybe?

This labeled as Machiavelli. It will be multi chapter (3 i think, at the very least 2) and subsequent chapters will be posted on my ao3 here. Won’t get to the actual word prompt until 2nd chapter tho haha. My masterlist archive of bullshit i write can be found linked at the top of the blog or here. 

–

“Can I get you anything else, sir?”

Jack looked up from the coffee that was just sat on his desk, hearing the offer below the seemingly innocent request. It made him smile, though he wouldn’t act on it.

The alpha knew that he was a sexy, handsome badass that everyone– alpha, beta, omega, or hell, aliens probably- wanted. He was rich, he was powerful, he was smart as fuckall, and he could kill with deadly efficiency. Suffice it to say, he was everyone’s wet dream and he knew it, so he couldn’t blame the omega.

He also knew that he was getting on in years, and no matter of self-denial could completely hide the truth from himself. Oh, he still thought he was god’s gift to the universe, but nothing this perfect could stay that way forever. It would ruin the novelty of his mythos if it did. Being seen as a god among peons was fun and all, but gods were untouchable, and where was the fun in that?

The omega PA watched him expectantly, ready to jump should Jack just tell him how high. Rhys was subtle, he had to give him that, but the omega was dropping hints more and more to the point where Jack was just waiting for the outright proposition to come.

“Nah, this is good, kiddo.”

A short look of disappointment passed over Rhys’ face, gone as soon as it passed, and the younger man went back to his desk. Jack inwardly smirked to himself as he sipped at his coffee. Flattered as he was by the younger man’s admiration, Jack had no intention of indulging it.

It made things interesting, at least, and that helped to pass the time with the mind-numbingly dull documents his underlings were apparently too incompetent to handle.

Hours later that evening, Jack let out an aggravated noise and dragged hands through his perfect hair. It was a testament to how seriously done the older man was with this shit. At least it was late and there was no one around to airlock. No one aside from Rhys, anyways, and he should have gone home an hour ago already.

“You could use a break.”

“I could use new department heads,” the alpha growled with annoyance. “That and about a week’s worth of sleep.”

Rhys got out of his chair as if on cue, approaching the CEO’s desk with a smile. “You need looking after, sir.”

Jack snorted. “I’m too tired for the ‘sir’ shit today, kiddo. Don’t make me remind you.”

“Sorry, Jack.”

“And there isn’t another shithead on the station I could trust to make sure these get out on time.” Jack groaned. “It’s a bitch being a genius sometimes.”

Rhys snorted. “I’ll get you more coffee. And should I send up for pizza or something?”

“Nah, just the caffeine. Extra strong, kitten. It’s going to be one of those nights.”

Rhys went about the motions as Jack squinted at the processing forms and deals needing his personal input, his approval, or his superior intellect. He wondered sometimes how the company would ever remain afloat when he was actually gone. Not that that was going to happen anytime soon, of course. He planned to live another hundred years if he had any say in the matter. But without the things only he seemed capable of solving or creating or wiping out, he didn’t see how this damn company would even function without their king.

Maybe he should look into that program the creepy little beta scientist kept hounding him with.

Rhys reappeared with a freshly steaming mug in his hand, and sat the coffee down as per usual on Jack’s desk. The alpha sighed at the scent.

“Aah, thanks pumpkin. Really need this.”

“Any time.” Rhys smiled as he looked down at the hard working alpha. “Can I… do anything else for you?”

He was laying the tone on pretty thick, Jack thought. That, or the alpha really was that tired. The kid was persistent, he had to give him that. “Yeah, brew another pot after the next cup, will ya cupcake? I’m gonna be here late tonight.”

“Sure… sure, I can handle that,” Rhys said with slight disappointment. He wasn’t giving up though. “But I meant, um, if there was anything else I could do for you…?”

Jack met his eyes, hoping his PA would chicken out. A slight blush was on the omega’s cheeks, and damn if he didn’t look freakin’ adorable all flustered and trying his best. It was the worst seduction attempt Jack had ever had, and the older man loved it even as he discouraged it. He didn’t have the time or energy for what the kid probably wanted.

“Not unless you’ve got some special programming in that eye that can sort through all this shit needing my input?”

“Uh… no, I don’t.” Rhys sighed as Jack returned to sip at his coffee, eyes on his monitor even as Rhys still stood there. The omega was gathering his courage, heart doing flipflops. He ran his flesh hand through his hair and he awkwardly stood there. He huffed heavily, getting Jack’s attention even as he looked about the room to try and gather his thoughts. “Look, if there’s anything, like, I can do to, uh, relieve your stress, you know… I mean physically, you know, a backrub… or something else, then I’d–”

He stopped at Jack’s sigh, looking up with red cheeks as the alpha had his full attention on him.

“Rhysie, you’re a good PA. You really are freakin’ good at your job.” Jack saw the hope in the omega’s eyes, and he felt a twinge of regret that he’d have to turn down this sweet thing. It would be for the best, though. Rhys really was one of the best PA’s he’d ever had, and he couldn’t have the kid quit for a fling that wouldn’t go anywhere. “But it’s not gonna happen, kiddo.”

“Why not?” Rhys crossed his arms defiantly, and that surprised Jack. He’d expected doe-eyed looks of sadness, submission, his whole world and dreams being dashed to pieces. Instead, Rhys stood there defiant. Damn, this omega really was interesting, even as he was glaring at the CEO. “I’ll have you know I give the best head this side of Prometheus and–”

“Jesus kiddo, enough already,” Jack said with a shocked laugh. “You’ve gotta be like, what, fifteen going on sixteen?”

“Hahaha,” Rhys laughed sarcastically. “Really Jack, why not?”

“You won’t just take no for an answer? From your boss, the president and freakin’ CEO of the company?”

That gave the omega pause. Jack thought, with disappointment, that Rhys looked like he might back off. But the stubborn little twink just stuck his chin up with even more defiance. “No. Not when I want something this bad.”

Jack snorted. What a ballsy little omega. He liked him even more for his nerve, which made this all the more difficult. “Rhysie, kitten…”

He was going to be diplomatic for once in his life– say some shit about Rhys not being his type, not being into male omegas, or quoting the company handbook even- but for once, Jack opted for the cold hard truth. For both of them.

“I’m too old for you, Rhys.”

Rhys stared a moment before blinking in comprehension.The younger man was actually rendered speechless. Those were words one would never expect to pass Handsome Jack’s lips. His speeches, his videos- not to mention all company propaganda- always focused on how great the older man was; how insurmountable and strong he was, with nothing ever getting in the way of him or Hyperion. If Jack thought he was too old, then one would think he would dye that grey streak Rhys found so charming, if not for publicity, then for his vanity.

Rhys called bullshit on the very idea. He did something that Jack wasn’t expecting: Rhys laughed.

“Seriously? That’s the best you can come up with?” the omega accused with disappointment. “You are definitely not too old for me. Come on now, Jack, I’ve been pretty loyal, I deserve the truth. Are you– Am I not your type? Is that it? I mean I- I could maybe get that, but…”

Jack huffed. His pretty PA had no idea just how much he was Jack’s type. Long legs for days, gorgeous face, great hair, and tattoos on that creamy skin begging to be licked. Oh, he was Jack’s type alright, but a little too green around the ears to know what he really wanted.

“Really princess, that’s it. I’m just too old for you. Can’t be helped.”

“No, I don’t accept that.”

Rhys studied the older man’s face with scrutiny– the gray streak, the mask, the softness around his middle that wasn’t there in some of the posters from Jack’s earlier days. Yes, Jack was older than him, but not too old. Not old enough that it would cause a scandal, of that much he was sure. Some of the higher-up executives much older than Jack had pampered sugar babies way younger than Rhys. Badly-kept secrets and all, but this didn’t even compare.

“You’re not too old for me, Jack. No way. You’re not even that–” Rhys paused, stricken by some errant thought as the CEO watched him. Rhys’ eyes bored into Jack’s own with intensity, and the older man tried to steel himself for whatever the omega had coming next. “Unless you mean you can’t- you can’t, uh-” he looked away from Jack’s eyes diplomatically, “get it up, but that’s–”

“Freakin’– I can get my dick up just fine,” Jack growled maybe a little too loudly. Rhys’ eyes were back on him, and the CEO swore he felt himself blushing under his mask, totally not expecting that line of questioning.

“It’s okay if you can’t! I don’t care! It’s not about that,” Rhys promised as he earnestly plead his case, and Jack dragged a hand over his face wondering what he’d done lately to deserve being subjected to this. “I want you, Jack, okay? I really really want you and even if your dick doesn’t work anymore I don’t–”

“Rhysie, sweetheart,” the alpha chuckled dangerously, “if any more words about my dick not working crosses those lips, then pretty or not, I’m airlocking you.”

That effectively shut Rhys up, but not for long. “…you think I’m pretty, then?”

“Shit pumpkin, just stop, okay?” Jack sighed and took a long look over the frowning, hopeful omega. “Yes, you’re pretty, kiddo. Goddamn gorgeous. You’re gonna make some lucky bastard really happy one day and have a shitton of kids that look as pretty as their mama and break everyone’s hearts. But it’s not gonna be with me. Just give it up, kiddo.”

A few moments of silence passed between them, and Jack felt his words were finally starting to sink in.

“…are you shooting blanks?”

“Rhys!”

The younger man was visibly distressed at the alpha’s outburst, looking anywhere but at the CEO as he still held his ground on long, shaky legs. He reminded Jack of a scolded puppy, and in the alpha’s mind, that’s basically what the young omega was.

“I’m just trying to understand, Jack…!” he whined. “If you didn’t like me, then I’d get it… I just don’t understand.”

“You’re not stupid, so don’t play dumb, cupcake. I might not have a lot of decency left nowadays, but I’m too old for whatever you think it is you want to happen.” The omega made a pitiful noise, and Jack sighed with agitation, wondering why he was trying to be so delicate in letting the other man down. “You’re young and pretty still, cupcake. You don’t even know what the universe has to offer you yet, and I’m not one to let go of things once I get set. And that’s what will happen, baby. It’s not worth the effort. It’s for the best.”

Rhys fidgeted where he stood, still not looking at Jack, and damn if the whole submissive omega thing wasn’t pandering to Jack’s every instinct. He wasn’t sure if Rhys was doing it on purpose or not at this point, and he was still shocked they were even having this conversation. Damn, he must like the younger man a great deal. But it wasn’t worth fucking up their good working relationship to play with him to satisfy an itch of curiosity.

And what if he got more attached than Rhys did? With the omega sharing his space, he knew it was bound to happen, and he also knew he wouldn’t be satisfied just having him once. He was way too old for friends with benefits, and he also wouldn’t stand for the omega fucking anyone else. It was just stupid to even be entertaining thoughts of ‘what if?’ He didn’t fancy having the omega’s devotion one day turn into revulsion. Jack knew he was too old to start from scratch. It was a concept the younger man didn’t seem to consider.

“…my mother was way older than my father,” the omega supplied softly, still not looking up. “More than us… at least I think so.” He chanced a quick look up at Jack as if to gauge the gap between them, then focused somewhere just below the man’s desktop. “…I’m not like… asking you to marry me or give me kids or anything like all that,” Rhys quickly dismissed. “Just… give me a chance? For whatever you want? See if you like me?” He looked up hopefully again, meeting Jack’s eyes with desperation. “If it’s too weird or whatever then we can just go back to normal and I promise I’ll never bring it up again. I’ll join one of those omega dating sites on the echonet even and I won’t make it weird, I swear.”

Jack’s fist was over his pursed lips as he watched his PA stoically. He was being offered a free pass to those long legs wrapped around him, sinking into that slick heat and making his pretty PA use his voice to its full abilities. He’d long wondered what it would be like to drag his fingers through that carefully styled hair, licking inked skin and leaving bruises on milky hips. Rhys had a nice scent. How much stronger would it be if he was mindless with need beneath the older man? He could satisfy his curiosity once and have it never brought up again. The perfect one night stand with a pretty young thing intent on pleasing him.

“No, Rhys.” Jack sighed again, more at himself than anything else, trying to ignore the small whine of dismay that passed the omega’s lips. “Why don’t you go on home, kiddo? Enjoy your weekend. I’ll probably be a few more hours here if those assholes haven’t gotten back to me with figures yet.”

The finality with which he spoke had gotten through to the younger man, subject definitely put to rest with no chance of being revived. Rhys sulked– it was definitely sulking- but he accepted the CEO’s rejection with as much dignity as possible. “I’ll… I’ll make another pot of coffee, first,” the omega said dejectedly.

“Thanks kiddo. Appreciate it.”

Jack ignored Rhys as the omega gathered up his things for the night, ignored the long, wistful sigh the younger man gave himself under his breath, and only offered a perfunctory “night” in response to Rhys wishing him goodnight.

Watching the omega leave the office though, those long legs and ass in pants far too tight for him, Jack’s cock would never forgive him for passing up the opportunity to fuck that. Thankfully his brain was driving this shitshow, and Jack was more than capable of staying out of the designs of a man far younger than he was.

The alpha groaned in annoyance and attacked the subversive codes and forms with vengeance. His weekend was going to be anything but peaceful, whether or not he dwelled on his pretty PA.

–

Subsequent chapters are on my ao3 here. :) There is also a second story in this aufound here.

[loveotomization]

Amami/Kaede/Saihara doing makeup?

Insert the obligatory ‘sorry I took so long!’ here haha

Also on ao3

http://archiveofourown.org/works/10907454/chapters/24251589

Spoiler free!

“My detective work?” Saihara echoed with a frown.

“I was a little skeptical at first too,” Kaede admitted,“When Amami-kun told me that it might enhance my piano playing, I mean, but itreally did work!”

Saihara’s eyes wandered down toward his hands, where he flexedhis fingers as they rested upon his thighs. His digits were unremarkable, tosay to least- average length fingers culminating in stubby nails. He’d chew atthem at times alone in his room, or when no one was looking. They certainly weren’tas dexterous, either, as those belonging to some of the girls, like Angie withher art, or Toujou who seemed near superhuman in her skills at caring for theentire group…or Kaede, who’s fingers flitted over the keys like darning-needlesover a pond. How could a simple manicure ever enhance her already superbplaying?

“I guess I could, if you really want me to…” Saihara finallyagreed, painfully aware of Kaede’s expectant expression warming his face like asunbeam. The thought of him single-handedly transforming it into a pout didn’tsit well with him, even more so than the idea of allowing Amami to give him whateversort of makeover he and Kaede had in mind.

…

“It works, like, two-fold, you know?” Amami explained,applying mascara to Kaede’s already long lashes with a deft flick of the wrist.“On the one hand, looking your best makes you more confident; you’ll performbetter at your talent.”

“And on the other hand?” Kaede asked, beating Saihara to thequestion.

It was difficult to imagine what the two of them neededaround him around for, when Kaede was to be the recipient of the primpingfirst. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other as he watched the twoseated before him.

Saihara often couldn’t help but feel like something ofa third wheel when Amami and Kaede were together. It was hard to believe thatthey truly hadn’t known each other before being brought to the prison school,the way they got on so comfortably. Everything they did together, made it lookas if they were shooting a magazine ad for a high-end department store. Idly,Saihara began to wonder if Amami could have perhaps been the SHSL Male Model.He had insisted that his official talent wasn’t as a make up artist, difficultas it might have been to believe what with his skill at it. Still, whileSaihara didn’t yet completely trust him, why would Amami lie about something somundane, if that was case?

Amami continued, sparing Saihara a glance before turning hisattention back toward his work on Kaede, now swiping an eyeliner pen over herlids. Saihara suddenly wished he could be near as Amami was, to have a betterview of the way her lids fluttered minutely at the unfamiliar touch of coldliquid. “Well, in Saihara-kun’s case, I thought it might help with criticalthinking skills a little bit, you know, learning to see familiar things in adifferent way and all that.”

This sounded to Saihara an awful lot like a flimsy excuse. Forwhat Amami had to gain from it, exactly, he had no idea.

“Okay you’re all set,” Amami informed Kaede, hand stillcupping her chin to steady it, while making no move to place any distancebetween his face and her own, the girl opened her eyes to find his gazedirectly fixed into them. Saihara would have said that Amami was only admiringhis work, however he wasn’t much in the mood for kidding himself these days.

It was Kaede who broke away first, finally unable to resist curiosityany longer as she grabbed for the hand mirror resting on the table.

The full effect seemed to have to hit both Kaede and Saiharaat the same time.

It wasn’t at all as if Kaede had been renderedunrecognisable, in fact quite the opposite was true- her rosy cheeks, herdelicate jawline, her wide violet eyes- each feature was still very much thatof the Kaede Akamatsu that Saihara knew, however everything now seemed to glowin a way that highlighted what had always been there.

“Amami-kun, this is amazing! Thank you!” Kaede beamed.

“No problem! You make it easy with a face like your’s.”

Saihara felt a sigh escape before he could stop it. How wasthis boy even for real, saying things like that with not only a straight face,but utter sincerity sparking in his voice as well? There was still no wayimaginable that Amami wasn’t a suspicious guy.

“Alright! Step right up, Saihara-kun.” Amami made a flourishinggesture toward the seat Kaede had just vacated.

It was still warm, he found, as he quickly attempted to sorthis limbs into proper order, hurriedly debating with his nerves whether tocross his legs, and where to put his hands exactly (palm down on his thighs, sothat the cotton of his slacks could absorb any stray perspiration sounded likea reasonable course of action).

“Where did you find all this stuff?” Saihara asked, glancingat the makeup kit beside them, brimming with everything from basic foundation,to neon avocado green body paint and false lashes.

“Ouma-kun swiped it from Shirogane-san as a prank, and triedto stick me with it. I figure I’d hang onto it for her until she comes aroundasking for it. If you don’t use the stuff up fast enough, it dries up, right?”He punctuated this with a shrug.

Somehow, Saihara didn’t think that was quite how quickly thesethings happened.  Either way, he removedhis hat, setting it aside on the table, in order to grant clearer acess to hisface.

As Amami set to work, dabbing the cool, damp foundationsponge against Saihara’s skin, the problem of where to rest his eyes quicklycame into play. Should he close them, even before any makeup was brought nearhis eyes? One glance into Amami’s own- deep with an amiable level of concentration,yet still tinged with something unfathomable that settled deep inside of theother boy’s stomach- made it impossible for Saihara to hold the gaze any longer.His eyes quickly darted instead toward the multitude of piercings adorning theshell of Amami’s ears. How much had it hurt, getting it done so many times? hewondered. Sometimes it could be hard to grasp the things people deliberatelyput themselves through.

“I used to do this for my sisters, when they had somethingbig coming up at school, or if they were invited out somewhere special,” Amamiexplained, although neither Saihara nor Kaede had asked. “Ah, don’t nod- I’llsmudge you. Keep still.”

Although Saihara attempted to keep his head straight, hiseyes wandered toward Kaede, silently watching them from a few feet away, bemusedsmile playing across her freshly painted lips.

Surprisingly, the process seemed to go by quicker than when Saiharahad only been observing. Amami was soon finished, topping of his work byplacing Saihara’s hat back onto his head, although pulling the bill down lowerover Saihara’s eyes than he would have done himself.

“How is it?” Saihara directed the question toward Kaede,although he could no longer see other than the inside of his cap.

“You put his hat on wonky,” Kaede scolded Amami.

Rather than one hand coming into Saihara’s limited view, tworeached out in unison, both grabbing onto the bill at once.

Two faces, both very close not only his own, but also one another’s,came into view as they together lifted the cap back into its properlyplacement.

“Very handsome!”

“Lookin’ good, if I do say so myself.”

Saihara suddenly found himself fighting an urge to pull thehat back down.

[vardasvapors]

On Númenor and the Shire

Regarding analyses that are very keen-eyed about certain connections, but whose conclusions drive me nuts, I wanted to take note of some interpretations of this excellent spiel by Erendis to Ancalimë from the Unfinished Tales’s “Aldarion and Erendis,” in the first millennium of the Second Age, long before the Akallabeth:

“The long life that they [Numenorean men] were granted deceives them, and they dally in the world, children in mind, until age finds them - and then many only forsake play out of doors for play in their houses. They turn their play into great matters and great matters into play. They would be craftsmen and loremasters and heroes all at once; and women to them are but fires on the hearth - for others to tend, until they are tired of play in the eve­ning. All things were made for their service: hills are for quarries, river to furnish water or to turn wheels, trees for boards, women for their body’s need, or if fair to adorn their table and hearth; and children to be teased when nothing else is to do - but they would as soon play with their hounds’ whelps. To all they are gracious and kind, merry as larks in the morning (if the sun shines); for they are never wrathful if they can avoid it. Men should be gay, they hold, generous as the rich, giving away what they do not need. Anger they show only when they become aware, suddenly, that there are other wills in the world beside their own. Then they will be as ruthless as the seawind if anything dare to withstand them.”

Now my gripe is that when people do take notice of this, it just flops with a “haha, this is what Numenor was REALLY like INSTEAD of a good society like the other accounts claim, Erendis has LAID IT BARE because she knows the TRUTH unlike everyone else, this dismantles and erases everything, everyone was solely like this and never like anything else and Numenor was ACTUALLY rotten and this uniform narrow society is what Elros ignorantly built lmao”

Erendis noticing these things so early is a great bit of writing, but the smug and one-dimensional fannish hollowing I’ve seen of it is, as usual, eyerolling. That is not how populations work. Or societies in general, especially those with a nobility and a non-nobility. (Though haha it’s certainly far from the first time this fandom has treated an entire fictional race as a monolith in a way that would be breathtakingly racist in real life, or conflated a description of the nobility with the entire population, because lmao poor people don’t count as people and certainly don’t influence society, don’t be silly guys.) But also, it ignores the actually interesting aspect of this quote. Which is, the negative tendencies which Erendis identifies as those that emerge most visibly among this population, are marvelously apt and well-selected and organic, as they are all the inevitable and inescapable negative backhand, as I like to call it, of a prosperous, peaceful, isolated society like Early Numenor. One that has no need to struggle or fight for anything, and has no first-hand experience, only legends and lore, of the sort of collective trauma, suffering, and loss that can define a people, as it defined the Edain in earlier times.

The positives of such a society, on the other hand, are also the opportunity and ease and plenty and resources, and trust in the stability of their community, and the lack of danger or anxiety about their way of life even for the poorest, which allows the Numenoreans to collectively and culturally, not just individually, embody and prioritize a life of being kind and non-violent and accepting and generous and curious and patient and knowledgeable and educated and creative and full of zest and adventure and progress. The two sides are in no way contradictory or opposed to one another. They are both results of the exact same thing - the cocktail of human nature + environmental circumstances + culture and history. Numenor’s social elements draw a fantastically clear-cut picture - free of confounding variables and subject to the law of conservation of detail, as befits a fictional society - of what happens when human beings with the Numenoreans’ past are placed in the Numenoreans’ present circumstances. Compare other societies with different circumstances and history, where the main social ills are ones unknown to the Numenoreans, and yet are less prone to the privilege-based ills most common to Numenoreans, and which have strengths borne of hardship more difficult for the Numenoreans to retain.

I think a problem with a lot of interpretations of the term “double-edged” is the tendency to interpret it as “actually, bad instead of good like it seems” rather than, you know, double-edged. Where the good edge might be as sharp or sharper than the bad edge. Whether the general central thrust of the society is defined (at any given point in time) as positive or negative depends (in-universe) on how good their society’s mechanisms for self-correcting and limiting the negatives are; and (narratively), what lens or timeframe the society is being viewed from. Erendis’ spiel is powerfully perceptive and insightful foreshadowing, but still incomplete, only one person’s viewpoint, and by no means an objective one – though she nails it in that the privilege issue is the reason why Numenorean noblemen, emphasis on both noble and men, are the ones most susceptible to these pitfalls.

The Achilles Heel of the Numenoreans is the blindness of privilege, which shelters them from consequences and therefore renders their other negative traits (and the seriousness of the danger of these traits festering and growing unchecked) far less visible than they ought to be, which in turn makes them even more difficult to limit and self-correct.

In terms of the Tolkien universe specifically, this is a part of Arda Marred, where societies, being a part of the world, are plagued by bone-deep catch-22s that make the negatives inescapable, impossible to entirely or permanently eradicate, and eternally insidious and and encroaching, seeping like water into the tiniest cracks to corrode and crumble even the best and healthiest societies from the inside out, always in danger of overcoming the societies’ positive elements and structures and consuming them. All people can do is use their intelligence and wisdom and strength to tirelessly self-correct and guard against the pitfalls, repeatedly avoiding corruption and decline for another day, another year, another century, another millennium, to give another generation a good childhood, a good life, a good death, a good legacy. This requires a level of clear-eyed perspective and humility and self-awareness born of experience – but the turnover of mortal life, and the blindness of privilege, and both working in tandem, do a very good job of hampering it.

In a weird way, an occurrence that embodies the same phenomenon as Numenor’s indivisibly bundled positives and negatives is probably, well….the Shire. Yeah, okay sure, lmao I know, but really. The Shire is prosperous, peaceful, joyous, harmonious, stable, and in a perpetual state of renewal, regrowth, and sustainability, populated by a people who are reasonable and practical in their accomplishments and characterized by common sense, resilience, and adaptability. The negative backhand is a tendency to be complacent, narrow-minded, ignorant of and uninterested in the world outside or the fragility of their haven, obsessed with trivial properness, and dismissive of anything or anyone unusual. The society where there has not been a murder in living memory and whose law enforcement is almost unemployed, also falls into frivolous gossiping, finicky disapproval, and calling people crazy for not conforming. This is not dumping two random handfuls of good and bad traits in the same vat. The good and bad spring from the exact same source - the peace and shelter and comfort.

The big differences are, first, the obvious part with Numenor’s military might and political power and expansion, so these two societies’ roles in the world are on opposite ends of the spectrum. But the second difference, looking at Early Numenor, is that the peculiar hubris of the Shire is knocked stone cold dead by Lotho and Saruman, and the scouring and recovery is fastidiously calmed and controlled - by Frodo and Sam and Merry and Pippin, who have grown and seen a lot and can think and act outside the box - and the Shire is reintegrated and cast forward into the future as something that can grow and build on its people’s new experience and understanding of hardship and loss, and to deepen in wisdom, mature in spirit, and guard against the likes of Lotho et al with greater tenacity and resilience. A modest hint, one might say, at Arda Remade, albeit with a very mild and brief - comparatively speaking - process of creative destruction/eucatastrophe. But if not for the luck of having the four hobbits of the Fellowship - most especially Frodo, who forbids to the very last any insidious intrusion of any self-perpetuating corrupting elements like vengeance or cruelty or bitterness - the Shire would not have reintegrated or healed so well, and may well have declined into nastiness, suspicion, rigidity, and fearful hostility, killing off all its positives in its attempt to preserve itself and recover from its domination.

For Numenor, there is no similar stroke of luck to re-rail them and help them reintegrate from their damaged state into something even better and stronger before they - pardon the pun - get in too deep. The emergency of Sauron’s rise twists Numenor’s worst long-term tendencies into their most prized short-term assets. Any potential influence by other peoples (such as dwarves and men less privilege-cushioned than they, or by elves who have Frodo-esque helpful first-hand experience with this brand of stupidity) is first weakened and then later rebuffed. At the very edge, Tar-Palantir’s efforts as a single individual are not enough. Tar-Miriel’s rule is usurped. The momentum of their decline is artificially accelerated to the breaking point by Sauron. For Numenor, the negative backhand overtakes the positive elements of their society, becomes ingrained in their power structures, and consumes them.

[iamjamesmatthew]

IAJM INTERVIEW w/ OSCAR JOYO (@OscarJoyo)

OSCAR JOYO INTERVIEW by Matthew James IAJM: Hey, Oscar. Before we get into this talk, I’d like to start off by having you introduce yourself to readers as well as myself. OSCAR JOYO: My name is Oscar Joyo and I'm a Chicago-based visual artist who works in both traditional and digital media.I was born in Malawi in 1992 and moved to the US less than a decade later. I was inspired by animation, video games, movies, music, and art books from the 1999 Tarzan film growing up but graduated into anime, figurative painting, and surreal art as I got older. I continue to be influenced by artists of various disciplines to this day. IAJM: Growing up who were some of the artists that inspired you? OJ: As a kid, I was inspired by artists like Akira Toriyama, Alex Ross, James Jean, Glen Keane, and Kehinde Wiley. IAJM: What makes those particular artists so inspirational to you? OJ: Sure, these artists had some strong influences on because of how they combine things together to make a new viewing experience. I also admire their rendering abilities and how well they capture realism. Akira Toriyama was my first influence with his show Dragonball z. His combination of pop culture and fighting films really caught my attention. His way of drawing character was so simple to copy of from that I drew it all the time.As a kid, every kid in my class drew Goku and Vegeta.Honestly, if it weren't for that show and the profound impact it felt on me, I wouldn't be drawing today. I then graduated to Alex Ross with his blend of classical realism and comics which was foreign to me at the time.What makes him great was how he took his passion for comics and realism seen by artists like Norman Rockwell and fused them so beautifully. Glen Keane but more specifically his work on Tarzan is another influence on me. As I got older and really dove into his process and how tedious he had to study animal and human life (keyword: study) to make his characters come to life in his work. Kehinde Wiley with his mix of classic, Renaissance art and black culture really influenced me growing up. He utilised the representational aspect of figure painting so masterfully but what sold me on him was how regal he made his subject matter.It showed the importance of an African American and within us, there is royalty. I can't fully pinpoint what I loved about James Jean but his ability to switch from pop-oriental to comic book to surreal made me want to work with various media. Funny enough, I didn't like his work until I got to college and looked through his "Rebus" book. Like Kehinde with Black culture/Renaissance, James incorporates a traditional style of Japanese paintings with a surreal/representational approach. Overall, what I love about these artists all together is their willingness to study the world around them and then combine things together. For me, it made me embrace being able to move from technique to technique.  IAJM: So now, after having your "creative fire" lit by those artists, when did you begin to take your art as a serious endeavour to pursue? OJ: I was motivated to take art seriously around the age of 15 when my high school art teachers encouraged me to pursue it. It was a huge push for me since I love art in general and knowing that I can make a career of doing what I love.

IAJM: I like the piece of work you recently created inspired by the Marvel Comics Hip Hop variant series - the Danny Brown x Incredible Hulk piece is amazing. Have you contacted anyone from Marvel Comics about officially collaborating with their variant series? OJ: Thank you very much. Haha, unfortunately, I haven't been contacted by Marvel (yet). It would be cool if they contacted me since I have additional ideas for more variant covers. IAJM: What's a typical day in the life of Oscar Joyo like? OJ: My typical day is broken up into 3 branches but simply: I get up, go to work, come back to spend time with my roommates, draw and paint, then sleep or stay up if I had too much caffeine throughout the day. B.Drawing until I can't draw anymore, drinking coffee, and researching more art C.Attempting to leave the house but stay inside because something about the drawing doesn't look right.

IAJM: What big projects do you have planned for 2017? OJ: Currently, I'm working on issue #2 of Nebula Creatives' Lab99 graphic novel, which should be out during the summer of this year. Outside of that and drawing/painting constantly, I'll be making a new body of work. More details to come once I get settled with additional ideas but for now.I'll be playing with music and art. This approach was tested on a recent drawing entitled Jungles LP1, and I plan to make more like it over the coming months.

IAJM: What can you tell us about Nebula Creatives’ Lab99? What the graphic novel about? Where can people find it? OJ: Lab99 is sci-fi graphic series mainly about a Thai woman who wants to break out of being a regular person to search for extraterrestrial life.Through her experience of doing so, we see her handle each encounter and become more in tune with alien life. Currently, we are working on the prologue, which is 3 issues about one of the key characters, who is alien and how he lost contact with his kind as he crashes into planet Earth. You can find it on   nebulacreatives.com/lab-99, if you are outside Chicago.

IAJM: Aside from working on this the comic, do you commission work? If so, where can people go to reach you? OJ: I do get commission work and I'm always open to doing more. People can always reach me through scarjoyoart.wix.com/oscar-joyo or find me on Instagram.

IAJM: Let's look ahead to the future: 5.10.15. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? OJ: Haha, I've thought about this quite a bit actually. Within 5 years, I want to have my MFA in studio arts or illustration. During that time I'd have a strong gallery, illustration, and web presence.I'm doing well as a freelancer and I'm able to split time as a fine artist and illustrator. In 10 years, take it even further with my presence and hope to be travelling a lot. At this point, start considering opening up a gallery or even opening up a fund for high schoolers or anyone who want to pursue art as a career. At the moment, I'm not sure what 15 years would look like but I do know it's going to be very bright for me.

IAJM: Could you describe Chicago's art scene to me? Who are some of the people that consistently putting in work, representing the city? How competitive are the artists? Do you belong to any art collectives? Who are some the artists in your area that you feel people should be paying attention to? OJ: The Chicago art scene, to me, is an expressive, colourful, and culturally accepting landscape. Even though you get to see it about it anywhere, the beauty of art in Chicago is that it transcends beyond the page. I see work by local artists' work on apparel, buildings, videos, bridges, and such which helps make this place an open canvas for creativity. People like Brandon Breaux, Max Sansing, Sam DeCarlo, Antonia McMan, Hebru Brantley, Colin Van Dan Sloujs, and many others continuously put out work to make the city better. This city is filled to the brim of creatives from different walks of life that it makes me want to be a better artist so I can leave my mark. At the moment, I'm not in any collective but I'm not against being in one.

Some other names to look out for are Conrad Javier, Kayla Mahaffey, Joe Renda, Lucas Durham, Kevin Fagaragan, Alyssa Ecarma, Matt Wojtan, and Erik Lindquist. Of course, there are a lot more around the city so I highly recommend checking their Instagram and maybe you'll discover more nearby Chicago. Trust me, there's plenty of us.

IAJM: Last question. Who are some people you would like to thank or acknowledge for supporting you over the years? Is there anyone you would like to shout-out? OJ: Yes. First, I give thanks to God for giving me a wonderful family that continue to support me wherever I go and with all that I do. It wasn't easy but I'm extremely grateful for their tireless love. My inspiring friends, professors, and colleagues from my alma mater, American Academy of Art, my friends and extended family around South Bend, Chicago and especially the ones all over the world who have been on my side. People who have followed my work for a while and have seen my progress. Huge shout out to Eric, Kane, Kevin, Peter, Stacie, Tyler, and Natasha for being weird and teaching me more lessons that I put to use every day (sorta). Most importantly, Bruna, Nyame, Mary, and Steve for really getting me into art.I don't what you saw in me but thank you so much.I wouldn't be here without you all. 

[aamoako3]

Love and the Posthuman

Here we are again in what happens to be the most confusing week yet: love between humans and the posthuman. Even though I still don’t have a clear, definite interpretation of what love really is, I absolutely wouldn’t associate the love I have for my computer as being an example of “real love”. Regardless of what I think, technology is quickly evolving. It’s more than just the idea of a person being in love with their phone or their laptop, it’s about the fact that very soon, artificial intelligence is going to become extremely self aware. While reading “The Philosophy of Her” by The New York Times Blogs, it discusses whether or not a relationship between a person and a machine is possible. Consciousness is what deciphers a human from a machine, but in the movie Her, “Samantha can be conscious, for [she has] the same kind of minds as ours: computational ones” (pg 1). Although we’re not AI’s, our brains go through the same kind of thinking processes that AI’s go through. AI’s entail circuit boards and codes while ours consists of neurons and synapses. As of now, despite this, I don’t believe that technology can feel the way we feel. Can computational conscious possess genuine feelings? Not simulated feelings, real and true feelings?

In the movie, Samantha has seamless vocal expressions that make her sound incredibly human like; unlike how Siri on the IPhone or Alexa on the Amazon Echo sound like robots. Samantha is also able to express how she feels and gives her own opinions on questions that Theodore will ask her; unlike how Siri or Alexa can’t give answers that aren’t already pre-programmed for certain questions. So what does this have to do with love? Well, were Samantha’s feelings for Theodore genuine feelings or was she just such an advanced AI that she was able to simulate falling in love with him which resulted in him falling in love with her too?

Based on the readings for this week, Samantha’s lack of a body should have been a serious factor that should have deterred Theodore from being able to fall in love with her. In the reading of “Romantic Love and Reciprocity” by Phillip R. Kunz, “among the items considered as desirable...is some aspect of physical attractiveness” (pg 111). When falling in love with someone, most of the time you will see their physical state and figure out whether or not you’re attracted to them physically. Although this shouldn’t be the first thing we base it off of, our instincts as humans, who eventually have to reproduce, forces us to base our initial attractiveness on looks alone. Theodore didn’t have that with Samantha, nor would he ever, so does that mean the love between them that blossomed was an even more genuine love than it wouldn't have been if it had initially been based on looks? In this specific reading, the author tells the story of the lieutenant who wrote and received letters from a woman he had never actually met in person and was able to fall in love with her without ever seeing what she looked like. Even when he asked her for photos of herself, she would never send them, explaining that “if your feelings for me has any reality, what I look like won’t matter” (pg 112). He didn’t fall in love with her physical attractiveness, he fell in love with her solely based on her words just like how Theodore fell in love with Samantha. Let’s not forget the obvious fact that the woman in the letters was, indeed, a real person whereas Samantha is still an AI.

The reading also brings up the concept of the norm of reciprocity: “people should help those who have helped them, and people should not injure those who have helped them” (pg 114). Although for a few moments the lieutenant thought the person he was going to meet was actually going to be the middle aged woman he saw as opposed to the beautiful girl that passed him, the norm of reciprocity makes it evident that he needed to do the right thing and approach the middle aged woman, despite his desire to follow the young woman. Those who believed the story should have ended with him marrying the older woman was because of the “possibility of love being evident without the physical attraction -- a “deeper love” in the words of some” (pg 114). This was probably the case in regards to Theodore and Samantha’s relationship and I believe this could apply to love in the real world as well (not in a movie haha). If you had the chance to have a serious connection and fall madly in love with someone without looks having an effect on the outcome, wouldn’t you want that. And THEN if they’re cute, it just happens to be a bonus? If this happened, then the love would be authentic; it would be romantic, true and legitimate and I think that’s what everyone looks for when searching for their soulmate.

Theodore and Samantha connected in such an amazing way that Theodore didn’t even care that she didn’t have a physical body. Even when the “surrogate” showed up to represent Samantha, Theodore knew within himself that a physical form was never necessary for him to fall in love with her, so why should it all of a sudden be a factor in their relationship? He was fine going on dates with Samantha and being with her without a physical body ever being present. He loved her for her intellect and the connection they had and that’s all that mattered to him. Despite this, it can be argued that no matter how deep the connection is, the physical is always going to be needed to further a deeper connection. In another one of the readings, “Romantic Love and Loving Commitment: Articulating a Modern Ideal” by Neil Delaney, the author brings up the “ideal of romantic love [being the] desire to unite with another person in a profound psychological and physical way” (pg 340). “The basic idea is the following: people want to from a distinctive sort of we with another person, to be loved for properties of certain kinds and to have this love generate and sustain a commitment to them of a certain type” (pg 340). Based on this reading, the author makes it apparent that he believes forming the “we” between two people isn’t possible without the physical part of a relationship. Based on his opinion, the relationship between Theodore and Samantha wouldn’t be considered a relationship. I personally don’t feel like the physical aspects of a relationship are always necessary: it may seem like it when you’re a hormone induced teenager but there are many adults who remain selebate until marriage or physically can’t have sex or could be at the age where sex just doesn’t seem that important anymore. Sometimes it isn’t just a “dry spell” or the fact that they don’t find their significant other attractive anymore, they just don’t feel the need to express love in that way. Does the physical always imply sex? No, it probably doesn’t. For me, an embrace or a passionate kiss can count as one of the “physical” aspects, but the reading states that “central to any plausible contemporary romantic idea are mutual longings for sexual intimacy together with a more sweeping delight in each other’s physicality. The presence of such feelings in both yourself and your beloved are far more than mere add-ons to romance; rather, that you enjoy distinctively pleasurable feelings on seeing or touching your beloved” (pg 347). This super long quote comes to the conclusion that seeing and touching your partner in this incredibly initimate way is more than just “having sex”; when it is with the right person, it’s the most connected a person can be with their other half. I understand that for most people, sex is an incredibly serious and cherished moment that leaves you open and vulnerable. You have to put a lot of trust in someone in an intimate moment like that (and ironically, she loses his trust when he finds out she’s been talking to thousands of other people...yikes). In the movie, Theodore and Samantha could never have an intimate moment like this. They have sexual experiences together, but she’s not really there nor is she touching him or him touching her because that’s just not possible in their circumstances.

This next reading, “From Posthuman to Postcinema: Crises of Subjecthood and Representation in Her” by Donna Kornhaber, discusses the fact that even as Samantha does the most to ensure that she is considered as human as she can be, she finally “comes to acknowledge and explore the possibilities of her posthumanity, to see it not as limit but as potential” (pg 17). She has accepted her status as an object, regardless of the fact that she spent the entire movie trying to be as human as possible without having a body, but has been able to create a bond with a human despite this barrier. “Samantha tries to assume the position of a normalized subject and to render her posthumanness a mere technicality” (pg 11). She had possessed all the characteristics of a human: speech, feelings, opinions, emotions and all, to the point where the line between being an AI and being human became very blurred. The author states that “posthumans can make the best humans” (pg 13). What could this possibly mean? Does this mean posthumans could also love in a more sincere way than real humans do and is this because of the fact that the physical body isn’t deterring them from what is truly important? By the end of the film, “she is a new form of self unrestrained by and unconcerned with human needs and limitations...her very bodylessness becomes the source of her power whereas before it had been the greatest of her burdens” (pg 17). The idea that she shouldn’t have been able to have a real connection with Theodore because of her lack of a body is proven to be wrong as Theodore seems to loose apart of himself after she “leaves”. Whether or not the feelings Samantha had for Theodore were true or not, if they had been genuine and since she had been free from the physical attributions of it, I believe that this love is the most genuine type of love there could have been. Theodore loved her for her and Samantha loved him for him: it doesn’t get any more romantic than that....besides her cheating, but we’ll let it slide JUST THIS ONCE...since she is an AI (haha).

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZS8xBvgLaQ ===> The scene when Samantha leaves....heartbreaking...that’s all I’ve got to say)