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False Memory Syndrome

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False Memory Syndrome

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The term False Memory Syndrome was created in 1992 by the False Memory Syndrome Foundation (FMSF)[1]. It has been called "a pseudoscientific syndrome that was developed to defend against claims of child abuse."[1] The FMSF was created by parents who claimed to be falsely accused of child sexual abuse.[1] The False Memory Syndrome was described as "a widespread social phenomenon where misguided therapists cause patients to invent memories of sexual abuse."[1] Research has shown that most delayed memories of childhood abuse are true[2]. In general, it has been shown that false allegations of childhood sexual abuse are rare, with some studies showing rates as low as one percent[3][4] and some studies showing slightly higher rates[3]. It has been found that children tend to understate rather than overstate the extent of any abuse experienced[3]. It has been stated that misinformation on the topic of child sexual abuse is widespread and that the media have contributed to this problem by reporting favorably on unproven and controversial claims like the False Memory Syndrome[5].

Contents

1Research on False Memory

2Critiques of the False Memory Syndrome Foundation and its theories

3Related Page

4References

5Bibliography

6External Links

Research on False Memory

There is a great deal of evidence showing the existence of the phenomenon of recovered memory and the fairly high corroboration rates of these memories[6]. The base rates for memory commission errors have been shown to be quite low, at least in professional trauma treatment. The base rates in adult misinformation studies run between zero and 5 percent for adults and between 3 - 5 percent for children[7]. It has been shown that people who recover memories are a lot less suggestible than clinicians have been led to believe by false memory advocates[8]. It has been stated that false memories are rare[9] One research study showed the unlikelihood of being able to plant a false memory of a traumatic event[10]. Some have stated that the False Memory Syndrome is not a scientific syndrome[11].

Brown, Sheflin and Hammond stated "The hypothesis that false memories can easily be implanted in psychotherapy (Lindsay & Read, 1994; Loftus 1993; Loftus & Ketcham, 1994; Ofshe and Watters, 1993, 1994; Yapko, 1994a) seriously overstates the available data. Since no studies have been conducted on suggested effects in psychotherapy per se, the idea of iatrogenic suggestion of false memories remains an untested hypothesis.[12]

Elizabeth Loftus, a proponent of the theory of false memory, has been critiqued in several studies and papers[13][14][15][16].

Critiques of the False Memory Syndrome Foundation and its theories

Members of the False Memory Syndrome Foundation have been critiqued for misrepresenting data and for their possible reasons for having created the idea of the syndrome.

In reply to a TV documentary about FMS, William Freyd, (Pamela Freyd's (one of the founders of the FMSF) step brother and sister-in-law) wrote "The False Memory Syndrome Foundation is a fraud designed to deny a reality that Peter and Pam have spent most of their lives trying to escape. There is no such thing as a False Memory Syndrome."[2] "In addition, Peter Freyd's own mother (who is also Pamela's step-mother) and his only sibling, a brother, were also estranged from Pamela and Peter. It should be noted that these family members support Jennifer's side of the story."[1]

A co-founder of the False Memory Syndrome Foundation, Ralph Underwager, has also had several critiques written about him[17]. In an interview in Amsterdam in June 1991 by “Paidika,” Editor-in-Chief, Joseph Geraci, Underwager replied to the question "Is choosing paedophilia for you a responsible choice for the individuals?" with "Certainly it is responsible. What I have been struck by as I have come to know more about and understand people who choose paedophilia is that they let themselves be too much defined by other people. That is usually an essentially negative definition. Paedophiles spend a lot of time and energy defending their choice. I don’t think that a paedophile needs to do that. Paedophiles can boldly and courageously affirm what they choose. They can say that what they want is to find the best way to love. I am also a theologian and as a theologian, I believe it is God’s will that there be closeness and intimacy, unity of the flesh, between people. A paedophile can say: “This closeness is possible for me within the choices that I’ve made."[18]

In a transcription of the TV show Witness for Mr. Bubbles from “Australia 60 Minutes,” Channel Nine Network (Aired on August 5, 1990 in Australia), researcher Anna Salter stated that Underwager "isn’t accurate. That what he says in court does not necessarily fairly represent the literature." That he frequently distorts facts and he sometimes he quotes specific studies, and he’s frequently wrong about what the studies say."[19]

It was stated in a court document that the two books that he and his wife Hollida Wakefield, wrote "Accusations of Child Sexual Abuse" (1988), and The Real World of Child Interrogations (1990) were not "well received in the medical and scientific press." It was also stated that "when they cannot use a quotation out of context from an article, they make unsupported statements, some of which are palpably untrue and others simply unprovable.” David L. Chadwick, Book Review, in 261 JAMA 3035 (May 26, 1989)." In the same document it was stated that "Both Salter and Toth came to believe that Underwager is a hired gun who makes a living by deceiving judges about the state of medical knowledge and thus assisting child molesters to evade punishment."[20]

Those that have examined or written about the False Memory Syndrome theories or foundation or its members have been subjected to harassment. This includes Anna Salter's analysis of her harassment by Ralph Underwager[21], David Calof, the former editor of Treating Abuse Today [22] and Jennifer Hoult [23].

Accusations have also been made about the accuracy of the False Memory Syndromes' proponents data and research. Salter has critiqued some of those that defend those accused of child sexual abuse. “The people who support and defend those accused of child sexual abuse indiscriminately, those who join organizations dedicated to defending people who are accused of child sexual abuse with no screening whatsoever to keep out those who are guilty as charged, are…not necessarily people engaged in an objective search for the truth. Some of them can and do use deceit, trickery, misstated research, harassment, intimidation, and charges of laundering federal money to silence their opponents.”[21]. Whitfield stated "Since at least 95 percent of child molesters initially deny their abusive behaviors, how can untrained lay people like Pamela Freyd and her staff “document” a real or “unreal” case of “FMS,” as appears to be the case with most of their communications, which usually occur over the telephone or by letter (p. 76)."[2]. Jennifer Freyd stated “Despite this documentation for both traumatic amnesia and essentially accurate delayed recall, memory science is often presented as if it supports the view that traumatic amnesia is very unlikely or perhaps impossible and that a great many, perhaps a majority, maybe even all, recovered memories of abuse are false…Yet no research supports such an implication…and a great deal of research supports the premise that forgetting sexual abuse is fairly common and that recovered memories are sometimes essentially true.” (p. 107) [24]

Proponents of false memory theories have also been accused of manipulating the media[25][26]. The theory of false memory has been used as a defense in court to try and negate "abusive, criminal behavior" and this defense is fraught with disinformation, smoke screens, and other untruths that are a distortion of what the available science of the psychology of trauma and memory shows.[27].

Related Page

Recovered Memories

References

↑ Jump up to:1.01.11.21.31.4 Dallam, S. (2002). "Crisis or Creation: A systematic examination of false memory claims". Journal of Child Sexual Abuse 9 (3/4): 9–36. doi:10.1300/J070v09n03_02. PMID 17521989. "A review of the relevant literature demonstrates that the existence of such a syndrome lacks general acceptance in the mental health field, and that the construct is based on a series of faulty assumptions, many of which have been scientifically disproven. There is a similar lack of empirical validation for claims of a "false memory" epidemic. It is concluded that in the absence of any substantive scientific support, "False Memory Syndrome" is best characterized as a pseudoscientific syndrome that was developed to defend against claims of child abuse."

↑ Jump up to:2.02.12.2 Whitfield M.D., Charles L. (1995). Memory and Abuse - Remembering and Healing the Effects of Trauma Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc. ISBN 1-55874-320-0.

↑ Jump up to:3.03.13.2Leadership Council - How often do children’s reports of abuse turn out to be false? "Jones and McGraw examined 576 consecutive referrals of child sexual abuse to the Denver Department of Social Services, and categorized the reports as either reliable or fictitious. In only 1% of the total cases were children judged to have advanced a fictitious allegation. Jones, D. P. H., and J. M. McGraw: Reliable and Fictitious Accounts of Sexual Abuse to Children.Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 2, 27-45, 1987.

↑ False allegations of child sexual abuse by children are rare

↑ Whitfield, Charles L.; Joyanna L. Silberg, Paul Jay Fink (2001). Misinformation Concerning Child Sexual Abuse and Adult Survivors. Haworth Press. ISBN 0789019019.

↑ Recovered Memories - Child Abuse Wiki

↑ Brown, Scheflin and Hammond (1998).”Memory, Trauma Treatment, And the Law” (W. W. Norton) ISBN 0-393-70254-5

↑ Leavitt, F. (March 1997) False attribution of suggestibility to explain recovered memory of childhood sexual abuse following extended amnesia Child Abuse & Neglect - 21, 3, P. 265-272

↑ Hall, J., Kondora, L. (2005) “True” and “False” Child Sexual Abuse Memories and Casey’s Phenomenological View of Remembering American Behavioral Scientist, 48, 10 p. 1339-1359 DOI: 10.1177/0002764205277012 "The notion of false accusation is often raised in cases where physical evidence is not available and a period of time has passed or when there has been a delay in recall of the events by a survivor of child sexual abuse. This is not to imply that false memories are not possible. This article outlines how rare they must be, however, based on historical factors and a phenomenological analysis of memory itself....Most scientists investigating traumatic memory doubt that memories of abuse could be planted."

↑ Pezdek, Hodge, D. (1999) July-August Planting false childhood memories: The role of event plausibility Child Development 70(4) p.887-895 "One false event described the child lost in a mall while shopping (the plausible false event); the other false event described the child receiving a rectal enema (the implausible false event). The majority of the 39 children (54%) did not remember either false event. However, whereas 14 children recalled the plausible but not the implausible false event, only one child recalled the implausible but not the plausible false event; this difference was statistically significant."

↑ Friesen, J. (1995) "The Truth About False Memory Syndrome, Huntington House Publisher ISBN: 1-56384-111-8 "The number of studies which have subjected false memory syndrome to scientific inquiry is zero. There is nothing scientific about it. There is nothing which defines it. There is no list of symptoms which describes it, nor is there anything which helps us distinguish it from other syndromes."

↑ Brown, Scheflin and Hammond (1998).”Memory, Trauma Treatment, And the Law” (W. W. Norton) ISBN 0-393-70254-5

↑ Crook, L. (1999) "Lost in a Shopping Mall"—a Breach of Professional Ethics Ethics & Behavior, (9, 1) P. 39-50 "An analysis of the mall study shows that beyond the external misrepresentations, internal scientific methodological errors cast doubt on the validity of the claims that have been attributed to the mall study within scholarly and legal arenas. The minimal involvement or, in some cases, negative impact of collegial consultation, academic supervision, and peer review throughout the evolution of the mall study are reviewed."

↑ Hopper, J. Elizabeth Loftus "Loftus is aware that those who study traumatic memory have for several years, based on a great deal of research and clinical experience, used the construct of dissociation to account for the majority of recovered memories. However, she continues to focus on and attack "repression" and "repressed memories," which has the effect of confusing and misleading many people."

↑ Pope, K. (1996) Memory, Abuse, and Science: Questioning Claims About the False Memory Syndrome Epidemic American Psychologist 51: 957. doi:10.1037/0003-066X.51.9.957 "Does the trauma specified in the lost-in-the-mall experiment seem comparable to the trauma forming the basis of false memory syndrome? Loftus (1993) described the implanted traumatic event in the shopping-mall experiment as follows: "Chris was convinced by his older brother Jim, that he had been lost in a shopping mall when he was five years old" (p. 532). Does this seem, for example, a reasonable analogy for a five-year-old girl being repeatedly raped by her father?....Is it possible that the findings are an artifact of this particular design, for example, that the older family member claims to have been present when the event occurred and to have witnessed it, a claim the therapist can never make? To date, replications and extensions of this study have tended to use a similar methodology; that is, either the older family member makes the suggestions in his or her role as the experimenter's confederate, or the experimenter presents the suggestion as being the report of an older family member, thus creating a surrogate confederate."

↑ Hoult, J. (2005)"Remembering Dangerously" & Hoult v. Hoult: The Myth of Repressed Memory that Elizabeth Loftus

↑ Information on Ralph Underwager

↑ PAIDIKA INTERVIEW:HOLLIDA WAKEFIELD AND RALPH UNDERWAGER Part I

↑ Witness for Mr. Bubbles Transcribed from "Australia 60 Minutes," Channel Nine Network (Aired on August 5, 1990 in Australia) Produced by Anthony Mcclellan; Reported by Mike Munro

↑ Ralph Underwager and Hollida Wakefield, Plaintiffs-Appellants, v. Anna Salter, Et Al., Defendants-Appellees. 22 F.3d 730 (7th Cir. 1994) Federal Circuits, 7th Cir. (April 25, 1994) Docket number: 93-2422

↑ Jump up to:21.021.1 Salter, A. (June 1998) Confessions of a Whistle-Blower: Lessons Learned Ethics & Behavior 8(2) p.115 - 124 DOI: 10.1207/s15327019eb0802_2 Abstract - In 1988 I began a report on the accuracy of expert testimony in child sexual abuse cases utilizing Ralph Underwager and Hollida Wakefield as a case study (Wakefield & Underwager, 1988). In response, Underwager and Wakefield began a campaign of harassment and intimidation, which included multiple lawsuits; an ethics charge; phony (and secretly taped) phone calls; and ad hominem attacks, including one that I was laundering federal grant monies. The harassment and intimidation failed as the author refused demands to retract. In addition, the lawsuits and ethics charges were dismissed. Lessons learned from the experience are discussed.

↑ Calof, D.L. (1998). Notes from a practice under siege: Harassment, defamation, and intimidation in the name of science Ethics and Behavior, 8(2) p. 161-187. "For over three years, however, a group of proponents of the false memory syndrome (FMS) hypothesis, including members, officials, and supporters of the False Memory Syndrome Foundation, Inc., have waged a multi-modal campaign of harassment and defamation directed against me, my clinical clients, my staff, my family, and others connected to me. I have neither treated these harassers or their families, nor had any professional or personal dealings with any of them; I am not related in any way to the disclosures of memories of sexual abuse in these families. Nonetheless, this group disrupts my professional and personal life and threatens to drive me out of business. In this article, I describe practicing psychotherapy under a state of siege and places the campaign against me in the context of a much broader effort in the FMS movement to denigrate, defame, and harass clinicians, lecturers, writers, and researchers identified with the abuse and trauma treatment communities.

↑ Hoult, J. (June 1998) The Politics of Discrediting Child Abuse Survivors Ethics & Behavior, 8(2), p. 125 - 140 "As a victim of child abuse who proved my claims in a landmark civil suit, there have been many attempts to silence and discredit me. This article provides an overview of my court case and its effects....I believe that published documents demonstrate how some members and supporters of false memory groups publish false statements that defame and intimidate victims of proven violence and their supporters. Such altered accounts are used to discredit others in court and in the press."

↑ Freyd, J. (June 1998) Science in the Memory Debate Ethics & Behavior, 8(2), p. 101 - 113

↑ Stanton, M. (July/August 1997) U-Turn on Memory Lane Columbia Journalism Review “Rarely has such a strange and little-understood organization had such a profound effect on media coverage of such a controversial matter. The foundation is an aggressive, well-financed p.r. machine adept at manipulating the press, harassing its critics, and mobilizing a diverse army of psychiatrists, outspoken academics, expert defense witnesses, litigious lawyers, Freud bashers, critics of psychotherapy, and devastated parents. With a budget of $750,000 a year from members and outside supporters, the foundation’s reach far exceeds its actual membership of about 3,000.” “As controversial memory cases arose around the country, FMSF boosters contacted journalists to pitch the false-memory argument, more and more reporters picked up on the issue, and the foundation became an overnight media darling. The story line that had dominated the press since the 1980s — an underreported toll of sexual abuse, including sympathetic stories of adult survivors resurrecting long-lost memories of it — was quickly turned around. The focus shifted to new tearful victims — respectable, elderly parents who could no longer see their children and grandchildren because of bad therapists who implanted memories."

↑ Packard, N. (April, 2004) Battle Tactics of the False Memory Syndrome Foundation New School for Social Research, N.Y. History Matters Conference "Kondora’s and Beckett’s studies indicate that the Foundation has been successful in many of its efforts to manage public perception of child abuse victims, therapists and the people accused of child abuse. Kondora and Beckett show that not only has public perception of victimized children become skeptical, but in fact, the press often goes beyond the Victorian custom of neutrality on all fronts of the issue, to out-right sympathy for accused molesters."

↑ Whitfield, C. L. (2001). The "false memory" defense: Using disinformation and junk science in and out of court. In Whitfield, C. L., Silberg, J. Fink, P. J. Eds. (2001). Misinformation Concerning Child Sexual Abuse and Adult Survivors New York: Hawthorn Press, Inc. (pp. 53 - 78) also in Haworth Press, Special Issue on Disinformation, Journal of Child Sexual Abuse 9(3 & 4) "Attorneys for accused, convicted or found-responsible child molesters tend to use a superficially sophisticated argument, which can be described as the "false memory defense." This defense is fraught with disinformation, smoke screens, and other untruths that are a distortion of what the available science of the psychology of trauma and memory shows. In this article, this seemingly sophisticated, but actually mostly contrived and often erroneous defense, is described and it is compared in a brief review to what the science says about the effect of trauma on memory." "Abstract: This article describes a seemingly sophisticated, but mostly contrived and often erroneous "false memory" defense, and compares it in a brief review to what the science says about the effect of trauma on memory. Child sexual abuse is widespread and dissociative/traumatic amnesia for it is common. Accused, convicted and self-confessed child molesters and their advocates have crafted a strategy that tries to negate their abusive, criminal behavior, which we can call a "false memory" defense. Each of 22 of the more commonly used components of this defense is described and discussed with respect to what the science says about them. Armed with this knowledge, survivors, their clinicians, and their attorneys will be better able to refute this defense of disinformation."

Bibliography

Brown, Scheflin and Hammond (1998).”Memory, Trauma Treatment, And the Law” (W. W. Norton) ISBN 0-393-70254-5

Freyd, Jennifer J. (1996). Betrayal Trauma - The Logic of Forgetting Childhood Abuse. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press. ISBN 0-674-06805-x.

Knopp, Fay Honey (1996). A Primer on the Complexities of Traumatic Memory of Childhood Sexual Abuse - A Psychobiological Approach. Brandon, VT: Safer Society Press. ISBN 1-884444-20-2.

Whitfield M.D., Charles L. (1995). Memory and Abuse - Remembering and Healing the Effects of Trauma. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc. ISBN 1-55874-320-0.

Whitfield, Charles L.; Joyanna L. Silberg, Paul Jay Fink (2001). Misinformation Concerning Child Sexual Abuse and Adult Survivors. Haworth Press. ISBN 0789019019.

External Links

Memory, Abuse, and Science: Questioning Claims about the False Memory Syndrome Epidemic

False Memory Syndrome A False Construct Feminista! v2, n10

False memory syndrome proponents tactics "False memory syndrome proponents have done the following to try and ensure that only their point of view is in the public view."

[shayjaggermitchell]

Finally finished reading #michelleremembers I read it originally when I was 12. It is not suitable for a 12 year old to read and as a result these images are burned into my psyche. It was really good to re-read this with an adults perspective and a deeper understanding of the personal unconscious and universal consciousness. I don't take everything in this book literally, but many did, leading to what is now referred to as the #satanicpanic. Which had an impact on my own life. Literal interpretations of spiritual texts can lead to fundamental dogmatism, which can justify some horrific actions. As we've seen all throughout history. Ahava Shalom, Shay. #reading #bookstagram #books #hardcover #rarebooks #1980s #psychology #repressedmemories #innerchild #shadowwork #satan #jesus #mothermary #exorcism https://www.instagram.com/p/Cm3BSxlrsJk/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[mmorgmotorcycle]

Pokemon rejuvenation version 9 status thread

** Also in Chapter 14 ] * ThemeNaming: All of their names begin with ‘A’, including ], ] Explained in Chapter 15 ] also following this naming scheme is still unaccounted for, however. ] * SignatureMove: ] * SuddenlyVoiced: ** In Chapter 13 ].]] Happens again in Chapter 14 while playing as Aelita. ] * ScrewDestiny: Garufan culture apparently believes that while YouCannotFightFate normally since everything is predestined, the Interceptor is ImmuneToFate. ] * ResurrectiveImmortality: Has died twice onscreen so far, and neither of the deaths has stuck. Who the voices belong to and what happened to them is unknown. ] ** When they reach a house near Hiyoshi Pass, the screen fades to black and mysterious voices are heard, which affect them so much that they lose consciousness. * RepressedMemories: ** In Chapter 8, Crescent says that it wouldn't surprise her if they forgot what happened to them 'again', implying that the MC may have amnesia or been repressing other memories. ] ** Their backstory is revealed in Chapter 15: ] * PeekaBangs: Aevis, Aevia and Ariana in previous versions. I could walk on some tiles that were surely meant to have priority over me. Status effects wouldnt display next to my health bar in battle. Some Pokemon sprites (Notably, Zubat, Hoppip, Emolga, and the Bird fakemon on the first route) were either floating or felt too low to the ground. ** This reaches its' culmination in Chapter 15: ] * MindHive: ] * MysteriousPast: Little is known about their past, but more is being revealed as the game goes on. Following Pokemon were super finicky on bridges over water. * AllThereInTheManual: According to ], the game's artist, each player character has a canon personality (which can be made apparent by the PlayerPersonalityQuiz at the start of the game) and they are as follows: Aevis is ] depending on player choices. Of course, things don't go as smoothly as hoped. They are a new trainer traveling with their mother to the Aevium region to challenge its Pokémon League. Collectively nicknamed "MC" (short for Main Character) by the fans. Team Rocket’s scheme not only failed, it had devastating effects on the larger habitat making up the Lake of Rage. * ''Characters/PokemonRejuvenationOthers'' !Main Characters !!Player Character ] ] The six (not counting one hidden) possible player characters.

[take-me-home-to-the-mothership]

It’s really shit when your mind suddenly drops a repressed memory om you ,that you really didn’t want to remember and now you gotta deal with. Yay.

[scaredy-kat-life]

I am One.

It’s amazing how social media has the ability to connect people from all over the world. Old friends, former classmates, and long-distance family members coming together after years of separation and rekindling relationships that would otherwise not exist. With a simple search of a first and last name and an invitation, you have the ability to bring the past straight to your front door. In my case, my past is there for a reason and I never sought out old high school friends or former coworkers when I first joined Facebook. In fact, I didn’t even create an account right away. Maybe I didn’t understand the concept at the time or maybe I just didn’t care. Either way, when I did eventually open a Facebook account, I kept it pretty simple. If people found me and invited me into their worlds, most times I accepted. There were a few invitations I declined because I didn’t want certain individuals in my space - there was no place for them in it. Over the years, I have cleaned up my account, unfollowed several people for various reasons (even blocked a few), and now it’s a little more than a handful of friends and family that I watch grow, celebrate happy times, mourn losses, and share their special moments through pictures and captions. I’ve watched babies grow into young adults and the adults age with grace, humor, a few more wrinkles, and touches of grey. I’ve mourned with those who have lost loved ones and I’ve celebrated their happy times, holidays, and accomplishments with them, albeit from a distance. I have also shared my life on social media; my children and their milestones, birthdays, vacations, special occasions, and even the loss of a loved one or two. Along with Facebook I also jumped on the Twitter, Instagram, YouTube bandwagons, but have recently settled comfortably into the simplicity of my Instagram account. It’s essentially my online photo album and since I cannot have all of my actual photo albums at an arm’s reach like I once did, Instagram is the next best thing.

The funny thing about social media and the Internet is how easy it is to actually find someone. You don’t need more than a name and a state and soon enough you're down the Internet/social media rabbit hole. Eventually you will see at least a glimpse into the life of who you are searching for. You'd be amazed at how much you can find out about a person without even friending or following them on social media including close relatives or associates, places of employment, current and previous addresses and phone numbers, political affiliations - the list is endless. Public records, especially in Florida, are wide open for anyone to search. I’ve searched Google for myself to see what pops up and immediately I see my Facebook page, Instagram account, connections to my place of employment, and I can access a million sites that claim to be a 'white pages’ type search engine that will provide me with random but solid information. I happen to have a few different last names, but it doesn’t matter how you search: you will find my age, close relatives, the city I live in, a map to my house, previous addresses and phone numbers, and because I share the same name as my mother, her obituary is in the top five Google results (without even putting Florida in the search bar). So, when a handful of years ago (or so) I received a message through Facebook Messenger from an old high school friend, it was strange that she said she had a hard time finding me. At that time, we would have actually had a few high school friends in common. I really didn’t think much of it, but my husband was the one who said that was an odd comment given all of what we know about Facebook and the Internet. Moving on... I was pleasantly surprised to hear from her, but after nearly 30 years and remembering our very last time together, where do you even begin catching up?

You see, this wasn’t just any friend. This was my very best friend in high school, a friend I met on my first day of my freshman year of the very prestigious Sacred Heart Academy, an all-girl Catholic high school in Garden City, NY. That was the beginning of a friendship that would last through high school and beyond for a short time, until distance, a physical altercation, and maybe something more ominous separated us for good.

For the sake of this story, I will call my best friend Mary. You will understand why in a bit. Mary and I were seated behind one another in most of our classes because in those days, we were seated alphabetically. We were always in the first row and directly behind one another. It was just fate that we hit it off. It was easy to make friends with the girls sitting behind you, in front of you, and directly to your right or left because those seating arrangements followed us from class to class. Many of my closest high school friends' last names began with the letters A through F. Cheating was easy too...a little slide to the left or right and we could help one another if needed. Mary was beautiful, funny, and many times the center of attention. She had the blackest hair I had ever seen and it was fiercely wild. Mary had high cheekbones, a pointy nose, a high forehead always covered by bangs, and a pretty smile. She was engaging and we became fast friends. Looking back at those years, I remember feeling never ‘good enough’ to be her friend. I always felt she was the pretty one and I wasn’t even a diamond in the rough. I was just the pretty girl's best friend. Mary never made me feel 'less than' and I'm sure that by the time we met, my insecurities, low self-esteem, and lack of self-worth were already set in motion. This would not be the only relationship in which I felt like I was living in someone else's shadow, but this is the one where I feel that a real pattern emerged. That is, until my husband came along. He never let me feel second to anyone. To him, I've always been the brightest, shiniest, most beautiful, rare, one of a kind 'diamond' he has ever known. Back to the story - Mary knew makeup, Mary knew fashion, Mary was confident, Mary was a leader, and I cannot remember ever having a fight or disagreement with her. She was part sister, part friend. It was the 80's, we had big hair, black eyeliner, tight jeans tucked into our scrunched down socks, sweatshirts off the shoulder, leg warmers, and sometimes a little belly showing. The boys gave Mary a lot of their attention and she loved every bit of it. She was flirty and she was good at it, but Mary was a good girl and it was all in good fun. I have many fond memories of our years together. I practically lived at her house through high school, loved her family more than mine (didn’t we all have a friend like that), and the option for me to stay with her family when mine was moving to Florida was on the table. In the end, I opted not to do that because, in fact, I did love my family and the thought of being away from them for that long was too difficult to bear. Or was there more to me not wanting to stay there?

Mary and I did everything girlfriends do: studied, talked about boys, danced, experimented with hair and makeup, hung out on the street corners where I started smoking (Parliaments, for those of you who would remember the brand), listened to music, went to the movies, got fake ID's to get into the 18 and over clubs, and so much more. We were listening to Madonna, Kool and the Gang, Expose, Shannon, and Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam among many others. We spent a lot of time at her house and a lot of time in her kitchen talking with her mom. Her parents were called by their first names and were the coolest parents around. The first time I got drunk and passed out was at a party at Mary’s house. Her parents also let the kids drink, which was pretty cool when I was 17. That particular night my mother must have known something was up because she refused to let me spend the night and sent my brother to pick me up. I literally threw up out of the car window the entire way home. That's a story my brother has brought up many times over the years.

Back to Mary's house - Sundays were a day for cooking, eating, and family time. I had not really experienced that cultural tradition before and I loved being a part of it. Her grandparents lived in her house and everything was homemade, authentic, and delicious. There was always enough food to feed an army. Thinking back about those days, there were always so many people coming and going at Mary’s house and everyone was welcomed with open arms. There was one particular kid I remember being around quite often, but he was not a family member. He may have been a friend of a younger sibling, but he hung out with the older kids so I'm not sure. I mention this because he comes back up in this story a little later on. I remember I had a crush on Mary's older brother for a while, but don't remember talking to her about it and nothing ever came of it. I am positive some of my friends ended up with crushes on my brother too. Mary and I went to clubs, movies, the flea market, school dances and our high school's ring night together. She came on vacation with my family and I went on a weekend trip with hers. There was nothing we didn’t share.

When we were 16, Mary came on a family vacation with us to Florida. It was a great time! We visited with family, went to the beach, hung out on Fort Lauderdale's strip, and baked in the sun covered in baby oil by the poolside. We both got pretty sunburned and my mom thought Mary had sun poisoning, which was pretty scary. My mom took care of both of us and even called Mary's mom to let her know what was happening. Mary was in such pain I thought her mom would want her home as soon as possible, but she let her stay with us. After a couple of days, we were both feeling better. While we were in Florida I got my driving permit, not to be confused with a drivers license. That may have been because we could not literally spend another minute in the sun or just preparing me for our move to Florida later that year. Overall, it was a great time with a great friend and I have lots of pictures to prove it.

When we got back home, the fact that my Florida permit only allowed me to drive with an 18-year-old licensed driver did not stop Mary and I from taking her parent's van to the mall - without permission and without the already mentioned mandatory 18-year-old licensed driver. I will never forget how scared I was, not just how mad her dad would be if he found out, but I really did not know how to drive. Mary was much more carefree about breaking all of the rules (and driving laws) on this particular day. All I could think about was all that could go wrong and how it would be my fault. And on top of that, all of the windows of the van were covered (I think with curtains) so I couldn't see anything behind us or in any blind spot. That could be why I still have to turn in all directions multiple times before changing lanes all of these years later. Like I said, I have told that story many times over the years and had a few good laughs, but actually writing about it makes it a bit more cemented in my history; a history that Mary was a big part of. With all of the worry I remember feeling as we backed out of the driveway and all the anxiety I felt driving to Roosevelt Field, it's ironic that I can't remember how the day ended. Obviously, we survived my driving and we didn't get caught because between Mary's dad and mine, I'm not sure I would be here to tell the story.

Another memorable night with Mary was when we went food shopping for her mom. I remember feeling like that was an impossible task considering all of the people in her household, but we went and she was a champ. My mother would never have sent me or my siblings grocery shopping so this was quite an adventure for me. During this trip however, Mary stuck a few makeup items in her purse while we wandered up and down the aisles. I remember not really caring about the stealing of an eyeliner or lipstick and didn’t give it any thought because she was so calm and confident. That was until, after checking out at the register, a security guard (or police officer – I can’t recall) stopped us and asked us to walk with him to an office at the front of the store. We were caught and we were both guilty, it didn’t matter who stole what. When the officer asked us our names and ages and said he was going to call our parents, we were beyond freaking out - begging and pleading for him not to. Again, between her father and my retired-cop father, our asses were in deep trouble. The fact that I was turning 17 within a week or so (Mary was just 16) allowed me to acknowledge the complaint and basically take Mary into my custody. I think we were trespassed from the store and I think the officer really gave two near-hysterical girls a break, but going grocery shopping wasn’t a regular thing anyhow. This story has also been repeated many times through the years and my feeling of relief at not having a juvenile record has never waned. Again, our parents never found out.

In July of 1986 I went on a ‘camping’ trip with Mary’s family to Shawnee, Pennsylvania. Mary’s parents allowed each of the children to pick a friend to go with. I was 17 and this would be our last summer together because my family was moving to Florida the following month. I wouldn’t have known the exact place or date of this trip, but it is written on the back of a photo I have from the day we arrived home. Also, on the back of the photo, in my handwriting, are the names of everyone pictured in the photo. For many, that way of cataloging people, dates, and places is a trip down memory lane. For me, it is a stark reminder of a memory I had repressed a long time ago.

That repressed memory came to light after two things happened: (1) Mary messaged me on Facebook and (2) shortly thereafter I came across that photo taken on her doorstep the day we returned from the camping trip. While purging my attic, I found a lot of photos from those carefree high school days and sent them to friends who could enjoy a walk down memory lane.....

At first, the memories came in waves. Flashes of faces. A jolt of fear. My stomach turned. I was laying on a floor. I was scared and nothing was making sense. These quick flashes of a living nightmare didn’t seem real, but I knew they were. I saw his face. I saw him laughing. I saw both of them laughing. I saw me lying there, drunk, passed out and incapable of stopping it. There must have been a moment or two of clarity during my blackout because I saw me being sexually assaulted by my best friend’s brother and the younger boy I mentioned earlier. I see both of their faces, but the younger boy's relationship to the family is escaping me. He was younger than us by a couple of years, he spent a lot of time with the older kids at Mary’s house, and he was with us on that family trip to Pennsylvania. He could have been a friend of a younger sibling or he could have been a troubled youth Mary’s family took in. These small flashes eventually came to life as a full-blown memory and made me anxious and sick. My head was spinning and I was unable to stop the memories, feelings, and horrors that were engulfing me. This assault was replaying over and over again in my head and I could not turn it off. I was so ashamed and confused by what I was experiencing that I couldn’t even tell my husband to his face. I wrote it all down for him in a letter and we never spoke about it again - at my request. And I never said another word about it – not to anyone. I felt shame, I felt embarrassed, I felt angry, I felt humiliated. What else do I remember about that weekend beside being sexually assaulted? We were drinking heavily on the night of the assault, the next morning while taking a shower (hungover and having no recollection of the night before) Mary's brother came into the bathroom while I was showering and took my clothes as a prank (or so I thought), and taking that photo on the doorstep of Mary’s house when we returned from the trip. That’s it. But that was already too much for me to handle.

I put the picture away and for five or so years just tried not to think about it. That didn’t stop me from remembering and I certainly was not healing. Every single time Mary popped up on social media, she was a trigger for a flashback. I even unfollowed and muted her for a while to see if that would work, but it didn’t. The nightmare would rear its ugly head and I would wonder how I could go about facing what happened and actually heal from all the pain it brought me. I thought about writing this story many times. I would start it and not be able to continue, I wrote in great detail and then less detail, I wondered if people would believe me or not, and I struggled with naming my friend and her brother or would that be going too far. Well, that’s ironic, isn’t it? Questioning my going too far when I was the victim of sexual assault. And I was the one carrying the weight of this incident that happened so long ago. The final straw came when the subject of sexual assault came up in one of my sociology classes. I was reading about victim blaming, how 1 in 3 women (worldwide) will experience sexual violence in their lifetime, how 2 out of 3 sexual assaults go unreported, and how the majority of assaults are committed by someone the victim knows. I knew it was time to tell my story.

Back to my best friend……

I remember so clearly lying in her bed together, talking about the future, how much we were going to miss each other, and listening to You've Got a Friend. For years that song brought back those moments instantly. My family moved to Florida in August of 1986 and life as I knew it went on. Everything about that year was hard though: adjusting to a new home and a new school, and making new friends was tough at 17. I visited Mary’s family during my first Christmas break and she visited me during that first spring break. At the time, I was in what I would call my first serious relationship, one that would go on for about 4 years. While Mary was visiting, we hung out with my boyfriend and new friends a lot. I saw nothing wrong with it, but apparently, she did. One night before we were supposed to go out, she started an argument and I thought she was just insecure and jealous of my new relationship and friends. One wrong word and one instigative push led to an all-out girl fight. The next day she flew home early and we never spoke again.

Until that Facebook message 30 years later…. One message that led to a picture, a picture that led to a memory, a memory that led to a single night that changed my life forever, a single night that led to the truth, a truth that led to my journey of healing.

For many years I felt that I was a victim of 'something' but I could not put my finger on what it was, who may have been involved, or why I felt I had been violated. These feelings gnawed at me for years. My husband is the only one I talked with about any of these feelings and he has always been a source of emotional and mental strength to get me through the rough patches. Years ago, I went to rape counseling because although I didn't 'know' what happened, deep down somewhere in my subconscious, I did know. I have battled depression, I live with anxiety, and many years ago I contemplated suicide. I basically mirror the definition of a sex assault survivor with post-traumatic stress disorder type behaviors.

Lately I've wondered if my best friend was aware of what happened that fateful night so long ago, but I guess I'll never know. What I do know is that two rapists got away with a crime for over 35 years and they will never be punished for what they did. What kind of men or monsters did they become? Because they got away with it once, could there be other victims? Do they have daughters? Does what they did to me ever cross their minds, and how would they feel if their daughters were victims at the hands of cowardly monsters like them? Are they married? What would their wives think if they heard this story and know that the men they married are men who assaulted an incapacitated, drunk 17 year old girl? Thanks to the Internet and social media, I already know the answers to some of these questions.

I don't really care about any of that, but I hope they are both looked at just a little bit differently for the rest of their lives after people read about what they did. They are rapists and they altered the course of my life in many ways. This is now another story cemented in my history linked back to my high school best friend - brought straight to the forefront of my life through a simple social media message and a long-forgotten photo. I guess the past does have a way of catching up to us.

For reference:

Consent is an agreement to participate in a sexual activity. Without consent, sexual activity (including oral sex, genital touching, and vaginal or anal penetration) is sexual assault or rape.

One in five women in the United States experienced completed or attempted rape during their lifetime. I am one.

Being drunk is not a free pass. If you are drunk and you perform a sexual act on another drunk person, you are accountable for your behavior. The person initiating the sexual act is responsible for getting consent.

Victim Blaming is not okay. No rapist rapes by accident. The rapist has time to make a choice and with the wrong choice, victims suffer for a lifetime. 

#scottdiscala #sexualassault #repressedmemory #reenager #bestfriends #healing #support #Iamnotalone #victim #victimblaming #rape #repressedtrauma

[pokingholes-cptsdwarrior]

#Repost @traumaandco ・・・ "We may deny that an event occurred, or we may act as though it was unimportant. For instance, when someone we love dies, or when we are injured or violated, we may act as though nothing has happened, because the emotions that come with truly acknowledging the situation are too painful. In addition, dissociation may be experienced as part of the body being disconnected or almost absent. Frequently, chronic pain represents a part of the body that has been dissociated." ~ Peter Levine, Healing Trauma ~ @drpeteralevine ・・・ . . . . . . . . . . . #traumaandco #trauma #complextrauma #connection #community #complexities #compassion #ptsd #complexptsd #cptsd #traumainformed #writing #traumawriting #somaticexperiencing #somatic #traumaresponse #dissociation #dissociated #chronicpain #chronicillness #nervoussystem #pain #emotions #denial #repression #repressedmemory #disconnection #body #embodiment

[kinkatcelltography-blog]

#kinkatcelltography #kinkatstlye #kinkatredbubble #kinkatrageon #kinkatmpix #truthseeker #kinkatstyle #artsaveslives #activist #activism #proactivism #redbubble #40yearsistand #trump #presidenttrump #melaniatrump #firstlady #barrontrump #childsrights #victimsrights #survivorsrights #repressedmemory #civilrights #childabuse #stopchildabuse #deservingofjustice #fashionph

[matthadahemi]

#lol #repressedmemory #unclepaul #jimnorton #funny #iamgoingtohell

[spilledmoonbeams]

if i wrote an autobiography it would be called Where have all my memories gone?

i have a headache

my skull is squeezing the spongy matter that calls itself a brain trying to eke out a memory, a hint, a clue.

[unusualsnowunicorn]

The Reminder of the Abuser

I can never be rid of you, You’re always there.

I can block you, I can avoid you, But you’ll always just appear.

And if I were to come clean, Forced to repeat the memory publicly, Those I love would be forced to care for you.

At one time I dreamt you’d walk me down the aisle, But then those repressed memories you gave me Burned those dreams down.

[atxhaneul-blog]

Repressed Memories

@atxbyunggyu​

The idea of free time was always difficult for Haneul to grasp. Not because he didn’t appreciate the school allowing them to make their own plans, but mostly because he had no idea what to do with his free time. He didn’t have many friends, and he was too shy to just go up to someone and make their acquaintance. 

And so he ended up just walking around the school grounds. It was nice to get some fresh air, especially when he spent so much time in the enclosed area of the school building. There were people playing frisbee, throwing a football around, and others laying on the grass, reading and chatting. It was peaceful, and Haneul could get used to this environment. Unfortunately, things weren’t going to stay very peaceful. 

The frisbee being thrown around arced a little too high, and in order to catch it, a girl ran backwards, and into him. It was a series of unfortunate events if there ever was one. Haneul was thrown forwards a few feet, as though he himself was being hurled through the air, and he landed on someone, his hands grazing theirs. Then his vision went dark before he even hit the ground. 

Everything is familiar, and not in a good way. The muted lights, the sound of low voice laughing, and the bars, the bars of his cage. This can’t be real. Haneul reaches out, expecting his hands to go through the bars, expecting that this is an illusion. But his fingers touch the cold metal and he recoils back. He’s not back here, he can’t be back here. The wave of panic that settles upon him results in him vomiting, or trying to vomit. He ends up gagging instead. 

“Hey freakshow!” It’s time for you to perform!’ The cruel voice is all too familiar. This scene is all too familiar. It doesn’t strike Haneul that this is a memory; it’s happened too many times that they all blur together as being the same thing anyways. The cage opens and rough hands yank him out by his throat. He’s thrown against a wall. He doesn’t count how many men there are in the room with him. It never matters, the pain is still the same. “Dance for us, freak.” When he doesn’t move, a glass bottle shatters on the wall next to his head, causing him to jump away to his right. A knife slashes into his side, and he cowers back towards the glass shards. 

Darkness comes, and when Haneul can see again, he feels ropes around his wrists and ankles holding him upright, but just barely. He’s in a different room, it looks like. That’s weird. “Always so lethargic,” he hears a snarl in his ear, before the metallic click of a lighter sounds in his other ear. His screams echo off the walls as the fire licks at his arms, and then at his wings. They’re just growing back in again, and they catch fire easily. The man seems to enjoy the screams for a few more seconds before putting out the fire lazily, dumping some sort of liquid onto his body. He only hopes it’s water this time. 

“Be a good freak, now will you?” The man’s yellowing teeth cling onto the end of his cigarette. Haneul is used to being a human ashtray, but it still causes him to grimace every time. He sees the bulge in the man’s pants, and squeezes his eyes shut. It doesn’t help, as the man forces himself in. Pains shoots through him. They seem to like it when he screams, and he’s live his whole life at their mercy, so there’s no point in fighting back the screams. A hand closes around his throat and his eyes fly open to see the man’s face inches from his own, “I want you to beg for me to let you live,” he hears the man growl. But Haneul doesn’t want to live. He wants out of his hell. So he doesn’t. 

Flecks of the man’s saliva and sweat land on his face and body, and a low laugh emanates from the abuser, even as he’s rammng himself into Haneul violently. The hand around his throat loosens and Haneul’s given temporary relief, until he sees the look on the man’s face. Something is coming. Something bad is going to happen. How does he know this? The man’s fingers curl around the base of his wings, and Haneul’s eyes widen. No. The man’s yell of release is mixed with the crunching of bone and cartilage and Haneul’s piercing scream as his wings are torn from his back. 

The faint sound of gunshots ring in Haneul’s ears as the pain became too much and he wrenched his eyes open. In real life. The blue sky hanging above him, a sharp contrast to the dark of the rooms in his memories. What just happened? A girl’s face appeared in his vision, and Haneul choked on his next breaths, bolting onto his feet and getting as far away from anyone as possible. It seemed impossible; there were a number of people crowding around now. “Hey dude, are you okay? You looked like you were just convulsing on the ground?” her voice made it’s way to Haneul, breaking up the residual ringing in his ears from the gunshot sound. 

This is reality. This is real. He took in the sights, the smells. Feeling the solid ground beneath him, the blades of grass between his fingers. This is real. But then what the hell was that? “I’m fine,” he muttered, still trying to get his bearings and truly convince himself that this was real and he was as far as he could be from ever being back in the gang’s grasp. 

[onlythedarkestreads]

review - mirrorland

4/5 Stars Pub Date: Apr 20, 2021 2021 Goodreads Goal: 63/150

Thank you to Net Galley and Simon & Schuster Canada for the advanced readers copy.

Mirrorland is a novel that hovers within multiple genres. It's definitely a mystery, but it's also fantastical and surreal and HEAVY because at it's heart it's a story about deep rooted secrets and familial abuse.

Cat and El, mirror twins, were raised in seclusion in a gothic mansion in Scotland. Living with their mother and grandfather, they together created Mirrorland, a Narnian escape full with pirates and adventure, friends and foes. A world that became more real than reality to Cat.

Their lessons were unconventional, they were taught the virtues of exploration, the warnings of dark fairy tales, and the preparations of a survivalist. Cat doesn't remember the events of the night her and El escaped 36 Westeryk Road. They started their new lives that day and never looked back.

With the disappearance of El under mysterious circumstances, Cat needs to travel home, back to the place she never wanted to be again. Everyone believes that El is dead, but Cat isn't ready to believe that. You'd know if your twin had died.

As Cat steps into the shadow of her sisters life, she starts to slowly remember their life in 36 Westeryk Road. The answers to what happened the night they ran away are deep in the bowels of Mirrorland if she's ready to face them.

Throughout the novel the reader has to parse what elements of Cat's memories are fantasy versus truth, as perspective shifts between the present, Mirrorland and the past without warning.

How far has Cat gone to to cloak the darkest layers of abuse.

I really enjoyed this one up until the end, where the final twist just didn't work for me at all, but DAMN was this a fun read.

3.5 Stars Rounded up.

[alyssaimaginist]

Even heroines need someone to support them and give them hope. @ourpoetryjourney #ourpoetryjourneymay18 prompt: #energizing @tealmoonpoetry #tealmoonflower prompt: #bucolic @fallspoetry #mayfalls18 prompt: #repressedmemories @whispersofbrokenheart #brokenheartmay18 prompt: #starsinyoureyes Two people tagged for #ourpoetryjourney: @earthlingpoet and @phoenixrisespoetry ***Text and background by @a.r.reynolds*** #wordprompt #writingprompt #poetry #poetrycommunity #writinglife #writerslife #amwriting #hero #heroine #hope #mythology #poetsofig #writersofig #poetryofinstagram #writersofinstagram #artlixirpoetry #untwinemecanada

[pokemon-ash-aus]

RepressedMemories!AU? Tell us more please

Repressed Memories AU is exactly like it sounds!

When Ash and Pikachu first got their memories erased, it was by Mewtwo desperate to have them forget the encounter.

It works as intended for the most part

Except Brock starts to notice that when something particularly awful happens, Ash acts just fine right after, like nothing affected him.

And he's right.

Ash and Pikachu have subconsciously been using the block that Mewtwo put up to hide their harsher memories, memories that they never want to think about again.

Except things change in Alola.

Sabrina comes by with her students to explain what they do and all, and a bitter student doesnt like that Ash knows Sabrina better than they do and ops to proove that he's better by looking into Ash's mind.

And taking away that block.

Mewtwo is not hapoy about it, and takes everyone in the room to suffer what Ash has suffered while he tries to put that mental block back up, one that Ash so desperately needed.

[kate-seger-author]

What was she afraid of? The runes were misery. The ruins were anguish. The runes were horror. They crawled all over her body as she slept, new glyphs etching themselves in her skin every night. Her dreams were restless things, full of a half remembered life… her mother, but not as she recalled her from her human life… her mother the elf. And then there was the willowy lavender eyed man in a crystal circlet and violet robes. Her father? Something in her head and heart told her that this was true, but if so, why did she have no other memories of him? Why just these few fleeting glimpses of him touching her mother upon the cheek, of him sitting upon a throne? #thewoodwitchsdaughter #fantasy #amwriting #amwritingfantasy #repressedmemories #memories #writersofig https://www.instagram.com/p/B5jB4ZcAjGw/?igshid=1d8yjfwz7hobx

[afro-elf]

heritageposts made me finally see horny onceler posts with my own two eyes, despite the fact that my blog curation made it so I never saw them back in the day. I was living in peace until now. I hate heritageposts

heritageposts should rename themselves repressedmemories or waterboardingtheblog