#rocd tw

[exclusivelyhomosexual]

Turns out, I had no idea how much I fear love until someone presented me with the real thing

[ephialtea]

I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick.

I feel so sick that I have to keep checking his Snapchat and Twitter status but I have no urge to Text him, but fuck I feel so sick. I’m losing my mind rn. I don’t want to completely cut off contact but I don’t want to text him either but fuck why do I keep checking.

[aphrorite]

-ˏˋ sweetheart diaries ˊˎ- #6 !! 💫🧸📔

૮₍ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ₎ა ♡༘

⋆ ✧₊ june 5th 2022 📝💛🍰 ⊹ɞ

oh diairy i m not feleing too well ): i am very sad and tbis is one day aff ter i snuck out bcos i feel sad ,, )):

tw vent // vent regression

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶

im rewrite this morning later bcos i was 2 sad to write last night n couldn finish sentence...

idk i jus. super sad diary,, im hug bear as i write this bos he comfor but he also kinda col so i hope i warm him up w blankie

i jus really sad. i am. i hate m ocd and i feel totally homebound. it make me concerned for finances, even necessity like buying food, watar, or rshampoo, i cant make decisions bcos my mind love to destroy it... and it hard to cope w my ocd bcos i used to handle it for 5 years but now that i kno i really hav it an im diagnose... grade drop n everything TT

they say med start work 3 month but idk if i can suffer tht long w this silly thing. the medicine was good for 2 week then back 2 normal which is inconsistent n unstabl.

so m guess i shoul apply 2 some jobs to see where it take me. i appli to one shoe place already but they enver call back, same go for grocery store. maybe something wron with my resume ? or mayb the opportunity jus not for me, im guess. i told myself id apply to som more so mayb i should do that.

im also jus.. really sad bcos unrequited feeling. last stranger thing hangout w guy i sorta like,, he kept saying stuff i didn like cos i got jealou of the chars and i hate dat bc its rocd tellin me im gonna lose him when its. a. fictional char!!! no one really understand ocd either )): i cant just 'stop overthinking' or 'relax' whch in the moment it helped but it always come back.

so that night (friday night) after he elft call i went out n snuck out. i wore my plaid skirt, my long adidas sweater n stocking so socks = quiet footstep, and was out for an hour ish,,,. i wasnt suppos to but i really didn know hwho to talk to so i .. call my ex, and he listened. he listened even though ir eall y hate him but also dont.

jus walking on the road at 3 am, freezing cos it was 8c in summer, n staring up at the sky at the million of star. i hav never seen them so bright before and it was mesmerizing, but i felt so alone. i like going outside at night alone bcos no one there but this time? i felt alone w my pain.

so i fcalled him, start cryin, end up at the park, laid down on the field and.. stared at the stars. curled up,, talked about my pain,, cried,, and cried,, bcos it was painful 2 say it cos i nevert old anyon before, and then he had 2 go, so then i ran home crying,,, got in bed around 5 am,, did some astronomy sites becos i took some photo and wanted to see wht constellation they were, and went asleep around 7 am.

im sad diary. whenev i go on walk alone outside, it like a relapse to me. idk if it a compulsion becaus, i DO wanna go outside walk alone bcos its nice and i can breathe and restore my energy, but also not good becaus i fee l like i betray god and my family, which is the obsessive intrusive thought. i mean when i go outside ther eis nothing forcing me to except for my mind syain, ''cmon, youw anted to, heres your chance'', etc. so im not sure.

but its over now i guess... i am not very content. because i dont like my ex despit venting, its just bcos he'll listen. idk i am very conflicted when it comes to him, and then i looked him up and saw his new ex,, and it made me laugh becbaus it look like just his type, no wonder.. no. wonder. seeing her sort of made me inadequate, but u cannot compare apples to bananas. we r not the same.

it wa hard.. tryignt o make myself feel bettter. i mnage to try and organize my seagate file ,, tried playing sims 2 before realizin all my data was deleted ,, ): ,,, but reinstalled sims 4 and let it install over night while i sleep.

m gonna write how my past week was n then do to do list.

sory diary ): bear luv u lots. so do unicorn.

╭┈─────── urs truly, ࿐ ˊˎ-

╰┈➤ sweetheart xx

[thatocdfeel]

I think I have sexuality and relationship ocd and it is driving me crazy... i have struggled with sexuality for many years, before ocd, I used to think I was gay, then got into a het relationship, ditched all labels and then came to call myself bi. Since watching a video about compulsory heterosexuality (contrapoints shame) I doubt myself so much and fear that I am really just gay. I don’t want it to ruin my relationship and I feel so alone... It’s horrible. Just needed to vent about ocd)

hey, i’ve been there and i’m sure many people have. 

are you happy with your partner? do you feel content in your relationship? it sounds to me like you care a lot about the relationship, and that you don’t want to lose your partner. 

i used to identify as bi, then asexual, then asexual lesbian – then bi again when i met my current boyfriend of 5 years and realized i’m not asexual, i’ve just had bad experiences my entire life and have a lower than average libido that is not helped at all by ssris.

i will doubt my attraction to women, i will doubt my attraction to men… i will doubt many things because i have ocd, and they dont nickname it the doubting disease for nothing. i’ve also had very severe relationship ocd and it nearly ruined my current relationship before i had therapy. 

i don’t have much advice  for you really, but i’ve been there. what worked for me may not work for you, but it was tryign to ditch the labels (which is hard when u have ocd lol) and just do what made me happy at the time. and if it ended up that i was wrong, well, that’s fine too because shit happens. i’ll cross that bridge if i get to it.

[ocdgorl]

i don’t know why i constantly feel guilty and shameful for something. my brain always finds something and i never get a break.. and i don’t know how to determine if the guilt is reasonable or unfair to myself becus the things i feel shameful for like drinking, overeating, spending money, feel truly immoral and gross and that it’s like indisputable…. but i know that isn’t true i guess….. i hate ocd is my point

[oldpoetryandwhatnot]

I. 

the first time I told you I loved you we were drunk on your living room couch. six shots of tequila in my stomach, liquid courage, gave me the boldness to tell you.

I meant it.

II.

you cried because you felt sad, or maybe because you felt scared. maybe it was too soon for you. you said it back anyway.

we fell asleep with the lights on.

III.

loving you was easy. it felt like nothing else i’d ever known. most days i questioned when the hard part would come.

the honeymoon phase, they call it.

IV.

as time went on you grew cold. the light that once shone from your eyes, now dim. you said it’s nothing but i knew better. you had to leave, this time for good. clutching my chest i begged, please, don’t.  i choked out the words you dread the most.

i meant it. 

V.

there is nothing left of me.

[fairy-space]

(Tw for hormones and mental health)

Having OCD has been a large part in why I have to be cynical a lot of the time. My brain is usually like "oh? You just got some seratonin? Everything you feel is fake and you aren't actually happy." This shit drives me i n s a n e bc it's like...duh. Of course it's hormones. That's literally how it works.

The fluctuation of other hormones that have to do with my cycle n stuff is just like...bro. I'm so tired of having to tell myself I'm only feeling a specific way bc my hormones are making me feel that way. It's a form of reassurance (see: ROCD) that has turned a lot of the things I was passionate about sour. If I'm happy I don't want to question it. If I'm not in a good mood I don't want to question it. I'd rather learn to just accept how I'm feeling whenever instead of this constant back and forth of "nothing is really real" and "everything you feel is fake" or "no one is ever actually happy". It's there. It's REAL. Happiness is REAL and when I feel it there's no need to question it. I actually felt like singing and dancing today and I always ruin it for myself lol

(i just felt really happy today and all day i didn't want to wonder if it was because of all the things happening to me because of the way my body works. Enjoying it is way nicer.)

[cutepastelstarsalior]

Sander sides headcanon;

Tw for POCD and ROCD

Remus has POCD (pedophillia ocd) and ROCD (religious ocd) Normally it doesn’t bother him.

But sometimes when Remus is walking around a park or he see a child on tv and thinks that the child looks cute it ends up trigger his POCD

Or when Remus is reading a story about someone being punished for sinning, when some jokes about they are going to hell, or someone jokes they are a sinner, or someone angry yelling at Remus that he committed a sin, it trigger Remus ROCD

In either case the thoughts ended up making Remus panicking and ending up with self destructive thoughts.

One of the sides notices this (maybe either Roman or Virgil) and they catch him in a state of panic, the side would then calm Remus down and firmly tell Remus that he isn’t bad nor a monster for having these thoughts.

Then Remus would ends up emotionly drained, the other sides will all sit down and watch movies and relax then Remus ends up falling alseep.

[exclusivelyhomosexual]

(tw OCD guilt)

I love having OCD and ADHD together, bc in a matter of seconds, my brain will start obsessing over an intrusive thought and then forget completely what the thought was, but hang on to the OCD guilt, so I’m just left with feeling horribly guilty and absolutely no idea why.

[ephialtea]

Didn’t get to enjoy my day today, in an ldr with my partner and only been talking to him only a few hours in the morning and night. He usually gets busy on most days which I understand and has accepted it.

Been dating for almost 4 months, have not made anything official but we both decided to be exclusive for each other til 6 months for us to make it official, as we both agreed on.

Yet, I obsess over my feelings and thoughts that were not right for each other. It’s exhausting when we pretty much mean it when we exchanges i loves yous.

We both have opposite interests and hobbies, smth new Im dealing with compared to my other relationships. I tend to obsess over that as well, if we could ever make it work when we’re both different yet somehow similar in some ways.

He’s a confident and secure guy, gives me reassurances yet I somehow make things difficult. Til I started suspecting if this was rocd or not, whatever he does that reassures me- makes it seem like it’s never enough for me. I hate it, he’s trying and I keep getting overwhelmed by my thoughts that someday- he’ll just type those few words that’ll end us.

He knows about my ocd and struggles, he’s been supportive and understanding. Gave him a chance to leave so he wouldn’t have to deal more difficult things with my doubts, yet he still stayed and wants us to grow together. Made me love him even more yet I still have doubts.

He went out with his friends today, on a long road trip. I simmered over thoughts that he was snap chatting with another girl instead while he was with his friends, more thoughts that he’s actually out avoiding me, and when he gets back- he’d end things with me. I couldn’t enjoy anything today.

He eventually got home at 11pm, asked how my day was but my questions soured the mood. I let him go to sleep since he was tired, he still wants to talk to me tomorrow. Now am sitting in the living room with more thoughts to deal with.

[ocdgorl]

really really tried my hardest yesterday to open up to a friend about my ocd, but it’s just so hard becus u literally sound so insane. like it makes absolutely no sense and i know that so i just don’t wanna bother trying to tell people. so anyway i was telling my poor friend about all the crazy shit in my head and she was just like “oh hahah i feel u i have felt like that sometimes..” and i’m just like ok. No. but thank you and i love you for trying

[oldpoetryandwhatnot]

your voice is soft and frail as it comes through the phone. you sound so far away, miles away. what time is it there? have you eaten breakfast yet? did you have a morning cuppa as you watched the news? st. elizabeth’s is down the street  but it feels across the country. i can’t reach you there, but i guess that’s how it is these days. you’ve been gone for so long, lost in a sea of your own thoughts. i tried to hold your hand, tried to ease the pain, but you couldn’t feel me. i feel you slipping, falling, i can’t catch you. are you even in there?