#sad that he had to have so many traumatic experiences early in life

[petit-papillion]

If you have an hour (on your commute, while cleaning the house, etc.), I HIGHLY recommend you listen to Juan Manuel Correa telling his story:

Trigger warnings: death, crash, trauma, pain, gruesome injuries, mental anguish mentioned.

[lurkingshan]

The Miracle of Teddy Bear Saved the Gays

Last weekend, both @twig-tea and I had time off and were in the mood to binge something, so Twig suggested we finally watch The Miracle of Teddy Bear. Both of us had missed it while it was airing live (because it didn’t have international distribution) and had been given the impression by others that it had a sad ending that included some anti-queer messages. It was also very long, so we were not exactly rushing to get to it. But we are stubborn and like to judge things for ourselves, so we decided since we had the time and the show was now available, we should jump in. And imagine our surprise when we found out everything we had been told about it was wrong (we have our theories about why). This is one of the best queer dramas we have ever seen, with phenomenal acting, writing, and direction, and we have so much to say about it. The post that follows is co-written by the two of us. Strap in, folks, because it’s a long one.

If you haven’t seen this show yet and don’t want any spoilers, stop reading this right now and head over to YouTube, where international fans can now watch it for free with English subtitles. We’re going to go deep on the show below, and because this drama is designed to slowly reveal information in a very deliberate way, nearly everything counts as a spoiler. We’ll try not to give too much away in the early sections, but be warned!

The Story

The Miracle of Teddy Bear is the tale of a deeply traumatized gay man in desperate need of healing, and the teddy bear who comes to life to help him. In the process of taking care of his person, our bear uncovers deep family trauma and many secrets and lies, accidentally solves crimes, makes lots of friends, heals a family, and saves several lives. He is a very good bear, and through this adventure he contemplates his own existence, learns how to be human, and discovers what it means to truly love someone. 

This is primarily a family drama with important things to say about queer truth, and while it includes several bl storylines, it is not a romance. Intertwined with the family drama is a bl show within the show and a series of interrelated mysteries that slowly get unraveled as the story goes on. One of the things this show does best is parcel out information from various perspectives at the perfect time to keep the viewer one step behind—we found ourselves constantly almost guessing what the show was going to do next, but it always chose a direction a little to the left and surprised us in the best way. 

In the end, every question we asked was answered, and every time we thought a character’s motivation felt a little too shallow, we were given more. The experience of watching this show was deeply satisfying and really made us feel seen. This show gets us. 

The Characters

The Bear: Tofu

Tofu is the titular teddy bear who comes to life via drama magic and does his best to support his person. He starts the series incredibly innocent, and the show and his actor, Inn Sarin, do an incredible job of depicting the change in him as he lives life as a human, becoming more complex and less naive. Tofu is the heart of the show, and it is his love and kindness that enable the growth of the other characters in this story. 

The Core Family: Nut, Na, and Kuenchai

Nut is our protagonist, and his struggles with life as a gay man are the soul of this story. He lives with his mom, Na, and their dog, Kuenchai, and Tofu is his beloved teddy bear. Yes, Nut is a cranky ass grown man with a beloved teddy bear. It will make sense eventually, we promise. Nut is a bl novelist working through old trauma via adapting his work for the screen. Na is a woman who has been Going Through It, and while we start the story with only the vague sense that something is not quite right with her, we spend a lot of time on her history as well as her growth in the present until we get the full picture. The way Nut and Na’s stories are tied together gets to several of the core themes of this show (discussed more below). 

The Sides: Gen, Song, Prib, and the nosy neighbors

Our cast of friends and allies who support Nut and Tofu and have romantic trials and tribulations of their own. Without giving too much away, we’ll just say this: all of these characters have satisfying arcs, and some of them may have caused us to squeal in delight. 

Specters of the Past: Neung and Tarn

Telling you literally anything about them is a major spoiler so just know they are here and they are important and you will fully understand why and how by the end. Oh yeah, and Neung looks exactly like Tofu (or should we say Tofu looks like Neung?) for Reasons (which are explained! We love this show).

Villains: Saen, Sib, Jan, and Parit

Expect these four to show up often and cause a lot of trouble. Their motives and exact crimes are revealed over the course of the show.

Other Elders: Anik, Juea, Kanya and Sittha

They are mostly here to serve a few key plot functions and represent a spectrum of parental figures (related by blood and not) and acceptance of queerness.

And we cannot forget: The inanimate objects

In this show, inanimate objects can come to life under a certain set of magical conditions, and they are Tofu’s friends and helpers along the way. Some of their stories are shockingly touching! They also add some needed levity to the show, especially the grumpy ones. Special shoutout to the cactus and the spare blanket, our crime solving MVPs. We have to admit, the animation for these took a bit of getting used to, but within a couple of episodes we were cheering these creepy blinking eyes on. 

The Themes

And here is where we start to get into spoiler territory about specific character arcs. This show had so many clear and well-articulated themes, and they stayed consistent throughout the story.

Queer people can be happy

This is stated explicitly as well as demonstrated through multiple storylines: gay men can love each other, have good relationships and fulfilling sex lives, and get their happy endings. Those who argue that people should fight against their queerness because it will make their lives harder and keep them from happiness are not just wrong, they have it backwards. 

Queer people can only be happy by living their truth

This is perhaps the main thesis of this show, and it comes across in so many ways over the arc of the story. We see this theme exemplified in particular through Nut, Tarn, Song, and Gen, with each of them representing different versions of the queer experience that shape who they are and how they show up in the world. Even before the story tells you, it’s clear what kind of experiences each has had from his relationship to his own queerness and his general demeanor and outlook on life. Nut has survived an abusive homophobic father, and that shows up in his anger, his self-protective rejection of others, and his struggle with emotional regulation. Gen has been raised by loving and accepting parents who support his choices in all ways, and this shows in his good humor, balanced perspective, and confidence to be himself. When we say good media should show, don’t tell us its point, this is a fantastic example of what that means. 

Accept and love your queer children or pay the price

Relatedly, this story is very interested in the consequences for parents who fail their queer children, and explores a whole spectrum of acceptance from enthusiastic support to negligent ambivalence to misguided suppression to violent bigotry. We see so many different parents and parental figures react to learning about their gay sons and gain insight into them by how they respond—and only the ones who manage to get it together to love and support their kids get to keep their families. Critically, the adults who fail their queer children are convinced they’re acting in their best interests at the time, and we are along for the ride as the redeemable ones go through the stages of first admitting they were wrong but still thinking their intentions justify the pain they caused to fully acknowledging the damage they have done and making amends. 

Be patient with others, you never know what they’ve been through

That said, the show also invites us to stop and consider what might be behind aberrant behavior before judging it. Tofu is unfailingly patient with others, and even with the worst people in this story, he always seeks to understand why they are behaving a certain way before giving up on them. The show slowly and methodically reveals information that recontextualizes things we thought we understood and encourages us to keep digging for empathy and missing context. People in this story behave very badly and make a lot of mistakes, but a lot of it becomes more understandable once you have the full picture.

Unprocessed trauma will prevent you from healing and cause you to perpetuate harm on others

Speaking of bad behavior, so much of what’s wrong in this story is driven by unprocessed trauma of one sort or another. Nut’s anger is at its core a deep hurt from being betrayed by the person he trusted most to be on his side. Na’s refusal to live in reality causes her to continue to hurt herself and her son. Saen’s denial about his own actions leads to far-reaching consequences he could not imagine. And the healing process depicted in the show is not linear; people who have made mistakes in the series make them more than once and advance and regress as the situation around them changes. 

People are responsible for their own actions and inactions

And while the show is clear that trauma is the source of the bad behavior of these characters, it is also clear that this is not an excuse. Everyone in this story is held to account for the things they do, as well as the things they don’t, no matter how understandable their reasons are. The people who refuse to heal face serious consequences in addition to seeing the damage their unprocessed trauma causes others. 

Noble idiocy leads to everyone being unhappy

One of the biggest sources of said unprocessed trauma in this story is characters making self-sacrificial choices for the ostensible benefit of others and bringing misery to everyone in the process. We love a drama that recognizes noble idiocy for the selfish and destructive act it truly is and clearly says you have to communicate with your loved ones if you don’t want to make a mess of everyone’s lives.

You can’t appease an abuser

No amount of hiding who you are or making yourself small will convince an abuser to treat you better or guarantee your safety. This theme is most obvious in the main storyline between Nut, Sib, and Na, but Jan is another example of a manipulative and emotionally abusive character who other characters continually try to play nice with, to no avail. She takes every opportunity to be cruel, whether the person she’s talking to is kind or combative in return. The show reinforces that abusers will always find an excuse to justify their behavior; changing yourself for them is pointless. 

Love is wanting the best for someone, even if that means letting go 

This is really the show’s core point where romance is concerned: being with you may not actually be what is best for the person you love, and if your love is true you have to accept that. The people who could not see this—Saen and Jan—were the ones who continued to cause harm to their loved ones and themselves, while the characters who honestly worked towards the happiness of their beloveds even if that happiness was not with themselves—Tofu, Tarn, and eventually Prib—were rewarded by seeing that happiness play out and ended our story truly content. The MVP of this theme is Tofu, whose pure teddy bear love for his person became more complicated and selfish as he became more human. But in the end, he held to the truth at his core that Nut’s happiness was his happiness.

You can have more than one great love, and one doesn't tarnish the others

Which brings us to one of the most beautiful takeaways from this show, and something that dramas so rarely do well. Nut loves two different men, neither more than the other, and he never chooses between them. They both hold important meaning in his life and he honors that whether they are with him or not. When Nut is with Tofu, he remembers his past love with fondness but he is clear that these memories do not make his love for Tofu any less real. A lesser show would have had those moments where Nut was thinking about his past cause him to distance himself from Tofu. But in this show, Nut sharing his past and working through his lack of closure was when he and Tofu had some of their closest and happiest moments together. This show is extremely clear that we can have happiness with more than one person over the course of our lives, and it is not only okay but encouraged! 

The Resolution

From here, we will be talking about the ending, and so by necessity will no longer be avoiding major spoilers. If you’re intrigued by the above and want to avoid being spoiled fully, stop now! One of the things that is so brilliant about this show is the way information is slowly revealed, so if you think you would like this show we recommend experiencing it for yourself. If you’re still not convinced and need to know the ending before you decide, read on. 

In our view, this story ends exactly as the show signals it will from the very beginning—and the way it should—and the ending is unambiguously a happy one. Tofu realizes that he and Tarn’s life forces are tied together, that it was Tarn going into his coma that caused him to awaken, and that as long as he continues to live as a human, Tarn will not recover. We and the characters have come to love Tofu in his guise as a human, but the truth is he does not belong there—he is a teddy bear, and for him to stay by robbing an actual human being of their life would be wrong. The story took pains throughout to show us how tenuous and restricted Tofu’s existence is, because he is not a real person and thus can’t live a full life (for example, he can’t get a job or safely leave the house because he doesn’t have documentation or any life experience). We also see Tofu struggle so much with the added complexities of the human experience that he becomes ill with overwhelm multiple times. He repeats to us through the whole story that all he really wants is to be a comfort to Nut. While he finds value and joy in being human, it does not change who he is at his core. And so he allows himself to be poisoned by Jan, sacrificing his human existence to bring Tarn back and exposing Jan and Saen’s crimes in the process. 

With this decision, the other characters get the chance to mourn him and move on. Nut grieves, finally makes the connection between human and teddy bear Tofu, goes to therapy (!), makes peace with his mother, and writes his love story with Tofu as his next show. Tarn wakes up and begins his recovery, and he and Nut slowly reconnect and rekindle their relationship over time. Na finds joy in her lucid moments and enjoys time with her family, finally free of the hell Saen and Sib unleashed on her life. Gen and Song get their happy ending with acceptance from Song’s dad, and Prib’s fixation on gay men becomes clear when her new female love interest enters the scene (let’s go, lesbians!). We get confirmation that the nosy neighbors are, in fact, an elder gay couple. Even Kuenchai and some of the inanimate objects have character arcs! Kuenchai is instrumental in making sure Nut is reunited with bear Tofu, and we get to see a slipper gain some independence from her other half and a grumpy bolster cuddle in to comfort her people when they need it.

We end our story with several happy families who love their gay children and a call for marriage equality via Nut and Tarn deciding to marry whether it’s legal or not. Tofu is a bear again but his human life is very much not forgotten—Nut speaks to him every day, honors the love they shared, and talks about him openly with Tarn. And we even hear from Tofu again, see a final moment between him and Nut in a beautiful dream, and are reassured that Tofu is happy to still be with Nut in his original form and to see him living so well. It’s everything he wanted, and he made it happen. He truly is the very best bear.  

The Purpose

We wanted to take some space to get a little extra meta and talk about why this show matters so much in the broader queer media landscape. First, it was a landmark queer television event in Thailand—please read this post by @flowerbeasblog to get the background on its significance in the cultural landscape. This show was broadcast very intentionally to educate and send a message to a broader audience in Thailand than is typically reached via bl dramas. And that’s why understanding and taking its themes seriously is so very important.

This is a story that is deeply rooted in queer truth, written by a queer man who wants people like him to be seen and understood. The show puts forward an unapologetically pro-gay message on broadcast television (on a major national network! during primetime! that does not shy away from the sexual component of queer love!) and embeds important political commentary in a fantastic and engaging story in a format familiar and comfortable for the Thai audience. It’s not meant to be received as a romance, and its nuanced and mature take on love and relationships is certainly not designed for ship wars. The writer even turns directly to the camera and underlines this in the final episode: while he respects the importance of bl in the media landscape, he has a bigger agenda in mind for this show and important things to say.

And that’s why some of the discourse around this show is so frustrating. A small portion of international fans who watched this show live seemed to misunderstand it deeply and created such a false impression of it that it caused others to stay away. Contrary to some of the takes out there, this show does not have a sad ending, Tofu’s resolution is not remotely anti-queer, and there is no woman who ends up with Nut (we are so confused that this was anyone’s interpretation; Nut at every age and several times within the show explicitly shouts about how very extremely gay he is). To see this story as a tragedy because Tofu “dies”—which he doesn’t; his human body disappears but he returns to being a conscious and content teddy bear—is to misunderstand Tofu’s character journey, his narrative purpose, and his agency. We can only assume that shipping got in the way of comprehension here, and people who wanted to see human Tofu and Nut end up together focused on that to the exclusion of pretty much everything this show was saying and doing.

At the end of this story, Tofu is happy. To think that Nut was better off with Tofu than with Tarn is to not allow for the complexities of human experience; Nut did love Tofu, but he loved Tarn, too, and their relationship was a positive force in his life both before and after Tofu entered it. And Tarn was an actual gay human man in a coma who could not wake up while Tofu existed. Tofu was the creation of Tarn’s love for Nut; his existence was limited, and he found being a human extremely difficult. All Tofu wanted was to be Nut’s teddy bear and stay with Nut forever. He wanted Nut to be happy, because Tarn wanted Nut to be happy, and during his time as a human he worked to enable that happiness. He was instrumental in moving forward several stuck characters and uncovering many secrets, all of which were necessary for Nut to get to where he ends up at the end of the show. Being in a relationship with Nut was a bonus. He enjoyed the experience of being in love with Nut, but in the end he chose to sacrifice his human life so that Nut could have a permanent, lasting happiness with someone who was real. Tofu’s human death is not an example of the bury your gays trope; in fact, it is a total rebuke of it. Tofu, and this show, saved the gay men in this story and gave them full and happy lives. We cannot recommend watching and supporting this show enough.

[buds-and-baubles]

thinking about the parallels between kon, apollo and midnighter regarding their creation/origins.

kon's origins where he at first was a fully human clone of a cadmus scientist named paul westfield, who was then genetically engineered and modified to be as close to superman as possible, utilizing his ttk metagene to emulate superman's powers. his later iterations simplified his origins by making him an actual clone of superman, fully kryptonian with a small amount of human dna to stabilize the kryptonian dna, utilizing his ttk metagene. (wanna thank @mamawasatesttube for giving kon facts that i am absorbing like a sponge).

apollo and midnighter were bioengineered/built as superhuman by henry bendix. these post-human 'prometheans' (my species classification of them) have three running rumors on their creation; they were young adult former u.s soldiers who were conscripted, they were kidnapped children, or they were modified test-tube babies of cloned human dna from petri-dishes grown to adulthood. regardless of creation, they were experimented on where they underwent time on medical tables and or in cloning stasis/stasis tanks, as well as intense combat training to make them who they are. however, they maintain retrograde amnesia regarding their life before their first mission and all records were destroyed so there is no way to confirm their origins.

kon was aged to a teenager so he didn't experience early years as a child. apollo and midnighter either don't remember their childhood, or never had one.

kon has helped out other clones of CADMUS gain autonomy as well as the clones on new krypton. apollo and midnighter had no choice but to kill the clones of their long dead teammates, and clones of themselves as they were too far gone to be saved.

i like to think reasonably they all have a phobia of medical things like needles (i know it's canon for kon but i haven't read it yet for apollo and midnighter).

they have all died and been brought back by some seemingly otherwordly means.

they all had to learn what having family is like. kon with clark and the whole superfam, and apollo and midnighter in raising jenny quantum.

two out of three are queer sun-powered superhumans who deserve the world in my opinion.

kon and apollo have both been through two traumatic events that i literally cannot talk about and it makes me sad that they have this in common. fuck you millar i hope your ice cubes melt.

got their very own warm calculating (midnighter is only warm calculating to his husband and daughter) partner who vibes with nighttime.

had interesting ways they got their names. apollo and midnighter reclaimed their aliases as their names to gain a shred of autonomy from what bendix did. kon got his name from clark giving it to him.

though kon and apollo have many power similarities with clark, they've got ones that make them stand out! yes, the ttk and energy projection. three cheers for ttk!

all have their own classification on what they are because of their unique origins.

apollo and kon are both smart AND pretty unlike what some may write or say.

kon knows his origins but apollo and midnighter will never know their true origin.

are/were on a team with a speedster and amazon. kon has his two besties bart aka impulse and cassie aka wondergirl. apollo and midnighter had impetus and amaze, rip them.

apollo can fight to protect kon when there's kryptonite or only red sunlight present cause it doesn't bother him and kon can keep him away from extreme cold stuff like liquid nitrogen. teamwork!

secret identities! kon didn't originally have one because he was first just superboy, and got his secret identity later. apollo and midnighter have no secret identity.

if i got any kon tidbits wrong please forgive me i'm literally shaking with excitement at posting this and have been working on stuff regarding apollo that is still a work in progress for like a day and a half with only 3 hours sleep. i needed to post this or i was going to knaw through drywall.

this is what i meant that apollo and kon have so much in common. it makes me wanna scream and cry and roll on the floor to cope.

slightly unrelated but please invite apollo to sun-powered supers meet-ups, he can show off all his cool hobbies like origami and card stacking to name a few of them. if jenny q goes with him, she can share stuff about herself, both her dads, and the rest of the authority of silly things they do and be held in apollo's arms as he flies if they're all flying.

[mysterious-moonstruck-musings]

Deconstructing Dieter Bravo: Part 3

If you haven't read chapter 27 of Destiny & Deliverance, do so before continuing with this post to avoid spoilers. 😉

Now that we finally have Dieter's official diagnosis, I thought it might be a good topic to cover for Part 3 of Deconstructing Dieter Bravo so we can dig into things a little deeper. Let's learn a little bit more about bipolar disorder and the types of symptoms he was experiencing from it. This gets a little long and it is a very high-level overview, but it is interesting stuff.

Most individuals are diagnosed with bipolar disorder in their teens to 20's, but it can occur at any time. Having a family member who has been diagnosed does raise chances of having the disorder by 10%. Experiencing a traumatic event and abusing drugs and alcohol also increase chances for a positive diagnosis.

Bipolar disorder has several classifications which include bipolar I, bipolar II, cyclothymic disorder, and drug induced bipolar. The symptoms in each of these classifications typically result in unpredictable mood and behavior changes that can have a major impact on daily life.

The difference in the classifications mostly has to do with the type of symptoms, how severe they are, and how often episodes occur. Since Dieter was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder, we will focus on the details for that type.

To be diagnosed with bipolar I disorder, the patient will have had at least one manic episode. This episode would either need to follow or precede a major depressive or hypomanic episode. A hypomanic episode has the same symptoms as a manic episode, only less severe.

Symptoms of mania and hypomania include an abnormally upbeat attitude, jumpy or wired behavior, an increase in energy, activity, and/or agitation, exaggerated sense of well-being and self-confidence (euphoria), insomnia, unusual talkativeness, easily distracted, racing thoughts, and/or poor decision-making skills. The patient must have experienced at least three of these symptoms for diagnosis.

Major depressive episodes include a depressed mood (feeling sad, empty, hopeless, tearful, irritable, worthless, excessive or inappropriate guilt, etc.), loss of interest in most activities, weight loss/gain, a decrease/increase of appetite, forgetfulness, insomnia or sleeping too much, restlessness or slowed behavior, fatigue, inability to concentrate, indecisiveness, and/or suicidal ideation. The patient must have experienced at least five of these symptoms for it to be classified as a depressive episode.

In some cases, the patient could also experience distress driven by extreme anxiety or a reality break (psychosis).

Many people with bipolar disorder do not recognize their behavior is an issue or see how it disrupts their day-to-day activities. They may even enjoy the high feeling of manic episodes if it increases their productivity and/or creativity. It is the eventual crash that follows these manic episodes when they start to see problems of feeling depressed and fatigued. This behavior can often create issues with working and familial relationships, which can compound the symptoms.

Given all this information, I think it is safe to say that our poor Dieter had the odds stacked against him. We can see that he was experiencing many of these symptoms, though less severe, from the very beginning of the story and most likely had been for a while. As discussed in Deconstructing Dieter Bravo: Part 2, being improperly medicated was most likely the catalyst that took things over the edge for him.

The use of antidepressants (especially those in the SSRI, SNRI, and tricyclics categories) in patients who have a genetic predisposition for the illness and whose symptoms began in adolescence into early adulthood have an increased risk of having what is called treatment-emergent affective switch (TEAS). This is when the use of antidepressants triggers manic or depressive episodes within eight weeks of starting the medication. Some of these medications have higher risks or worse effects than others. It is believed that these types of drugs trigger episodes because they affect the central dopamine and serotonin systems in the brain, causing an imbalance. In Dieter's case, he had all the risk factors for this to happen.

So, what steps does Dieter need to take to keep his shit together? Obviously, his medication needed to be sorted out and it has been. For him, that was the biggest hurdle. Patients who suffer from this disorder will often need a mood stabilizer, antipsychotics, and/or alternative antidepressants to manage their moods and it can take a lot of trial an error to get all of that figured out. This disorder will require long-term treatment to manage the severity and symptoms and constant monitoring to ensure medications continue to work effectively and are not causing any side effects mentally or physically.

Psychotherapy is also an important component to treatment so the patient and family members can learn about warning signs, coping skills for dealing with triggers (lack of sleep, high stress levels, drug use, significant life changes, loss, trauma, family history, etc), and improving communication.

In addition, it is important to have a consistent sleep schedule, eat a healthy diet, exercise (to boost mood), know what supplements are safe (ex. St. John's Wort and Omega-3's have been known to induce mania), keep a mood journal (to monitor triggers, changes in eating and sleep patterns, etc), avoid alcohol and drugs, minimize stress, and maintain healthy relationships for support. It is also imperative to keep an open line of communication with doctors and take medications as prescribed.

Obviously, Dieter (and Talia for that matter) has some major changes ahead. He took his treatment seriously and is going to work hard to meet all these requirements for himself and his family. The whole experience has changed his outlook on life and really influences his priorities and goals going forward. There are some big changes to come and lots of happiness to be had for everyone involved.

Thank you all for continuing to follow along on Dieter's journey! We are almost to his happy ending!😉

🌛Mysterious-Moonstruck-Musings

Resources:

US Mental Health Resources International Mental Health Helplines

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[chiefbeifongcanrailme]

DVD COMMENTARY (It's Time to Make Time)

“Chief there’s a massive hickey the size of Ba Sing Se on your neck and it’s really hard for all of us to imagine you having a sex life all of a sudden. Just the sight of it paints a very vivid picture of the kind of sex you’re having and the kind of person you’re having it with. Spirits, Chief! It’s purple in color- how are you not in pain? What was he trying to do to you? And no, we know you didn’t sleep well or sleep much last night- because you were having some really wild sex and that mark was not there yesterday and today it’s the first thing anyone can see when they look at you! No but really- what was he- trying to eat and swallow you? Please ask me to stop talking, Lin?” Mako pants. 

Lin gawked at him, thoroughly shocked at his guts to it to her face and even more so that everyone now knew that she was probably involved with someone. 

“Ha-has everyone noticed?” She managed to get out meekly. 

“Yes Chief. Everyone. People are placing bets on who they think you’re sleeping with.” Mako exhales sharply and finally looks her in the eye. 

Have fun!

Ah, It's Time to Make Time, my dearest.

This fic was written to be just a one-shot, and second chapter that followed were also supposed to be one-shot that happened to occur in this universe. The third chapter was just because this fic deserved to be wrapped into that perfect little bow with a cherry on top.

So, coming to the very first chapter where this excerpt is from: I believe I wrote this very early on in my fandom writing carrier- I had all these "need to hide our relationship from Tenzin" ideas for Linumi and I was playing around them.

One such idea, that I borrowed from real life events is- Lin getting caught with a hickey. Canonically, I think Lin would be totally intolerant if a lover left a mark on her- unless, they're in a serious relationship and it was an accident and neither party intended on it/realized it. With Bumi and his nomadic wildness, I can imagine him having a hard time taming himself- especially if he's as in love with and attracted to someone like Lin.

In the backdrop of the plot, Lin is seemingly extremely busy. She's been spreading herself pretty thin and being as sedulous as her, she won't half-ass anything- her job or her "casual" relationship.

I wanted to depict a couple of things here:

From personal experience, I know that being the kind of busy where you don't even have the time to catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror doesn't bode well. Sooner or later, there'll be an eruption. Lin does come across as someone who'd be that kinda busy. There comes a time in everyone's career when they're asked to "take it slow" because of their age and such- and I wanted to show that, irrespective of age, if someone's still kicking, they don't have to slow down for that. They could easily slow down to live their lives on their terms- because they've earned it. I've seen a lot of headcanons that Lin retires because of her injuries, or her age- etc, and knowing Lin, I don't think she'd let things like that hold her back. If she does decide to slow down, it's going to HAVE TO be because she wants to and not because she has to. Establishing both these points were a good two birds with one stone.

Being a woman with power at the workplace. It's really sad when a woman at a higher position is reduced to vapid gossip for having something as basic as a personal life. It's only because people fear Lin that they won't treat her the way that one criminal (Raj) did. Lucky for Lin, her subordinates both respect and love her and so she isn't quite subjected to that- which is something very positive about this phenomenon that I got to portray.

Mako and Lin's friendship. I can draw so many parallels between the two: from being the ever-sacrificing, traumatized older sibling to drowning yourself in work to avoid your personal life. I think Lin sorta sees him as her mini me- and she's both proud of and scared for him. It's one thing for him to emulate good qualities, but she hates that she sees her bad qualities in him too. In coming clean about her personal life to Mako, she's showing him that he need not minimize his life in order to serve. Having love in your life doesn't diminish your power.

Lin handling herself. Lin likes to face her problems head on. Everyone has reached a moment in their lives when they're totally humiliated and it's no different for Lin. She learnt the hard way the price of not accepting things coming your way with grace- that if she tries to fight everything that doesn't go her way, it's going to be her down fall in the end. After reconciling with Tenzin, then Suyin, and then her mother, she realizes that had she just accepted circumstances(Pema, scars and mommy issues) for what they were back when they arose, she wouldn't have had to spend all these decades feeling alone and bitter. She didn't need to isolate herself, and guard her emotions with such high walls if she just accepted the situations(move on, forgive and mommy issues). Having likely being subjected to terrible press in the wake of her breakup with Tenzin, I can see Lin wanting to keep this new relationship- one with Bumi, no less- on the downlow. The last thing she needs to relive is the cruel gossip columns and paparazzi outside her window. So, she decides to take it one step at a time.

Sorry, I kinda got carried away there. Now, coming to excerpt itself: Mako is always a little nervous around Lin. He has very confusing feelings about her- he thinks she's cool and hot and he has that "do I wanna be her or do I wanna be with her?" dilemma. But either way, keeping those feelings at bay, he has a lot of respect for Lin as his mentor and cares for her like family. Lin knows he's the only one who'll give it to her straight- that he could be a confidant of sorts and that he is not to be judged by the company he keeps. She trusts him to the fullest, and we see here how it only substantiates that trust when he's the only one to tell her what's really going on, and return, is the only one to learn of her big secret.

Mako kinda gets lost in his rambling of course, because Lin makes him nervous and the idea of her having a sex life only further escalates the "do I wanna be her or do I wanna be with her" dilemma since he gets to view her in a sexual light for the first time. Either way, Mako's a serious guy, and pointedly conveys his exact thoughts until he realizes, physically, he needs to stop talking.

Lin's shock has more to do with the contents of his ramble as well as some to do with the length of his chatter. She knows he can't look her in the eye, but appreciates when he finally does as he tries to sound more comforting. Lin doesn't do well with feeling embarrassed, and Mako knows that- very few people can sense that about her.

I think it's somewhat in this moment, when Lin makes a decision. Old Lin would've immediately broken up with Bumi, without any explanation and sent him running. But as for new Lin, who 1) cared about Bumi and 2) wanted him to know that she cared him, she had to be better. So she not only admitted to herself that she cares for Bumi, but also to Mako that being in love and having a relationship is not a weakness or a vulnerability.

I hope you enjoyed this commentary!

[amandadoylewriting]

Dancing With The Shadows of My Soul

From dark purple to bright perspectives.

(A reupload of my own article on vocal.media)

I took a poetry class in my second year of university. It was one of my favourite classes ever, and I always appreciated the way that my professor taught us how to craft more than just a piece of poetry, but a scene. How he showed us that the details were important too, not just the story. Maybe that's why I've always been interested in romanticizing my life.

I can't remember a time when I didn't struggle with mental health challenges. I've always had this sadness. Sometimes it's extremely intense, and other times it just lingers.

In that poetry class, I wrote a poem about my sadness and described it as dark purple. I described it as bruises that never fade. That poem got a good grade, but it was about more than that for me. It felt true, it felt like I had bruises, even though I had no idea of the trauma that lay ahead of me.

Flash forward to eight or so years later, and I understand what I meant now when I said that sadness can be like bruises that never fade. It feels like I have all of these bruises, but because of my mental illnesses, they'll never be able to heal.

Surviving the Abyss

I don't think I was ever formally diagnosed with depression. From what I remember, I went to the school psychologist, and they recommended that I see a therapist. Next thing I knew, I was 17 years old and standing in my living room, telling my mom that I didn't want to be "here" anymore. I was sent to a therapist for a few sessions after that, but nothing ever evolved.

The first talk of a diagnosis that I remember was in my first year of university, when some sort of school counsellor or doctor or something said that I might have a personality disorder in Cluster B. I looked into it a little bit, but pretty much forgot about it.

Everything came to a head in July 2017, the summer of my attempted suicide. Rewind the time just over half a year, and I was standing in my room straightening my hair for school, thinking about how I was the saddest that I'd ever been. And then I met a boy. He showed me what love was, briefly, and then brought me into a real life nightmare. For seven months, I was madly enamored with him, up until the day that he died, the day of my overdose. You see, I would have followed him anywhere. Everything went according to plan, except for one part — I had survived.

In the remains of the trauma, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, type II. This was the first diagnosis that actually made sense to me. I related to the manic episodes, where I remember singing to my mom while I danced on top of the coffee table. And I of course related to the depression, finally an explanation for the deep and dark feelings that I had always known so well.

In the years following, many terms have been thrown around. I relate the most to my bipolar diagnosis, my PTSD diagnosis, and my diagnosis of having traits of borderline personality disorder (BPD). Funnily enough, BPD is a personality disorder in Cluster B, just like that person at my university had said all of those years ago.

The thing about BPD is that most people don't start to show symptoms until the late teen years and into early adulthood, and those symptoms can be triggered by a traumatic experience, such as what I went through. So it seemed like things got worse for me mentally after the overdose, and it turns out, they did.

Now that you know the whole story, you should be able to see how much of a mess I truly am. I put on a façade that I have it all together, but that's nowhere near true, and I am working every day to rediscover myself on this very messy and unpredictable journey.

A Lazy Girl's Approach to Life's Small Pleasures

I've found it helpful to introduce easy and practical exercises into my routines, because let's face it, I'm a lazy girlie. My morning routine is short and efficient, including a good combination of what I need to do and what I want to do.

Mindfulness has never been easy for me, and maybe that's why I never prospered in all of those DBT classes. My mind is always running, and the world is always muted. I have a hard time tuning in. But I like to practice mindfulness by becoming aware of the small moments and enjoying them, because there's more to life than all of the unnecessary stress that we add on.

Throughout the years, I've always been able to express myself and my passion through various outlets, whether it be my writing roots, pushing myself to be of service to others, or even creating content that I care about. Spiritually, I connect myself to God in ways that feel good to me, and I practice tarot in a way that makes sense to me. I believe that belief is personal and it should be whatever you want it to be, which may be jarring for some who seek religion and spirituality for practice and tradition.

What I'm saying is that life can be really difficult when you struggle with mental health issues, especially if you're still trying to discover yourself. But I want you to remember that you don't need to know what you're doing and you can choose how your journey goes. You cannot control what happens, but you can control your perspective on the situation and how you choose to feel about it.

Transformation Personalized

From diagnosis to diagnosis, sadness has always remained, but I find small ways to make it seem not as intimidating and heavy. Some of these ways are traditional and others are not, but the important part is that they work for me. Every person's journey is different, as each person on this planet is so unique. Find the things that work for you and do those things, because those are the things that will help you stay balanced when the ground starts to rumble again.

If you're feeling good, take advantage of that and think about the things that led you to this feeling, and take note. Think of your life like a puzzle, where you get to put the pieces together how you want, and it might not fit on the first try.

However, you'll eventually be able to see the bigger picture.

[all-hail-trudos]

I posted 14,742 times in 2022

That's 1,079 more posts than 2021!

65 posts created (0%)

14,677 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@irishironclad

@absolute-chadette

@girlysword

@animepopheart

I tagged 706 of my posts in 2022

#saved for later - 56 posts

#neural cloud - 29 posts

#pnc - 19 posts

#gfl - 19 posts

#girl's frontline - 13 posts

#girls' frontline - 13 posts

#project neural cloud - 9 posts

#pokemon - 8 posts

#saved to research later - 7 posts

#arknights - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#bitcoin is a pseudo-commodity traded as an assumed fungible entity even as most people view it more like an investment than anything else

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Second thing I'm loving about Arceus Legends: the move pool has been DECIMATED. Like almost literally decimated, shrunk down to a fraction of what we had in Gen 7, and half of SWSH's already shrunken move sets. Most pokemon learn less than a dozen moves on their own, and type coverage is difficult to get without going to the move tutor.

I know some people will question my sanity for being excited about this, but let me explain. Small move pools completely erase the meta. Each pokemon only having access to like a dozen moves means teams can now be more diverse. Nearly everyone's fav can suddenly become relevant again under conditions like this so long as they have decent stats. (That includes my own beloved eeveelutions). And small things like Buizel/Floatzel having access to Aqua Jet and Crunch vs Psyduck/Golduck learning psychic type moves becomes extremely important.

ALSO, you can swap out pokemon in the same turn now if you do it right, and that is AMAZING. Between these two things, pokemon battles feel more dynamic now than they have since I first started playing, and the experience is an extremely welcome breath of fresh air.

21 notes - Posted January 31, 2022

#4

Postmodern liberalism subscribers are so afraid of Catholics who aren't ashamed of themselves that they banned a man who's only fault was being loudly Christian and making a couple shit posts. If anyone sees theironclad make a return with a new blog, let me know. I miss his salty Irish humour

25 notes - Posted April 28, 2022

#3

I don't know if someone's said this already, but Shez looks like someone's early '00s anime oc. Crazy purple scene kid hair. Big doe eyes. Stacked. Dual wields swords, one of which looks like a weird combination of a saber and a katana. She absolutely fits the bill.

40 notes - Posted June 24, 2022

#2

IT'S HAPPENING

JILL IS COMING BACK IN FIVE DAYS!

The crossover of two of my favourite games is getting a rerun on April 26th 2022! I'm so happy!

142 notes - Posted April 21, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

All the jokes about Battinson on tumblr belie the fact that there is a surprising amount of maturity to The Batman, making it arguably the best batman movie, and I would even say the best superhero movie to date.

Matt Reeves directs a movie that's a character drama masquerading as an action flick. Everyone knows (or should know by now) that Bruce Wayne is an orphan by now. His origin story has been adapted plenty of times by now. But no other work in recent memory has explored the idea of him still being traumatized by that into his adult years. Robert Pattinson does an amazing job playing a genuinely antisocial and clinically depressed superhero who fights crime with the vague hope of making a difference. When he wears the Bat suit, he feels like he has a reason for living. When he takes the suit off and becomes Bruce Wayne again, he might as well be dead. He hates himself, he hates his life, and he has no time for the family business empire that's beginning to crumble around him. As many people have commented, as Batman he is unequivocally badass. Possibly more badass than Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale's interpretation of the same role. But as Bruce Wayne he is a sad, strange little man who needs therapy and a hug. (Like, seriously, guy needs a hug. Selena Kyle touches his cheek and the man melts into it like it's the first friendly touch he's had in years.) But over the course of the movie we see him change. Bruce Wayne slowly becomes more than a daylight/public alter ego and becomes more important to him. He accepts that it's necessary for him to take responsibility and do more than fight crime. And it's this underlying aspect of the plot, the unmitigated despair gradually resolving into purpose and a sense of personal importance that really shapes The Batman and makes it genuinely better than all the takes that came before it.

436 notes - Posted March 21, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[bludhavents]

things that each greaser struggles with:

these are mostly headcanons i came up with. also, this gets pretty angsty.

content warning: alcoholism, addiction, anxiety.

darry:

- maturity. he thinks everybody looks at him like the “dad” of the group instead of just another friend, and he loathes it. he misses whenever he was able to skip work to catch a movie at the drive-in or take ponyboy and sodapop up to the dingo for lunch.

- accidental intimidation. his build is very large and strong, which is good for his job and for when he’s actually trying to, well, intimidate people, but other than that it just makes him feel guilty for being so unapproachable.

- relationships. specifically, darry is very insecure in his relationship with pony. he especially hates it whenever pony dogs on him for forgetting things or accusing him of not caring.

- emotional intelligence. he knows he comes across as cold. and he hates it. he has lots of emotions and he doesn’t air them out in a healthy way, so he tries his best to cut all the emotions off altogether in hopes that the negativity will stop, but it just makes him feel even more insecure.

- social skills. in high school, it was all much easier for him, but now that he’s working full-time and running the household, he’s fallen majorly behind in the social scene. he never goes out to the drive-in or to the dingo, and at first it was because he was too busy, but now, even if he doesn’t have a shift, he’ll make up some excuse because he’s too nervous to go and have to talk to people again since he feels like he’s gonna mess up.

- identity. darry was just starting to feel comfortable in himself and in his role in the world right before his parents died, and when they did, he stopped trying to figure out what made him happy. it has made him insecure of the emotional stint that is centered around his ego and sense of self.

sodapop:

- smarts. it’s canon that he’s insecure about this.

- growing up. while everybody else moves on to new things and grows up, he feels like he’s stuck in the same place watching everybody else progress while he stays behind. this was especially true after sandy left, because marrying her was going to be this huge exciting step in his life and when she left, he didn’t have that fulfillment anymore.

- reassurance. he feels a constant need for approval, and he will take it wherever he can get it. there’s a sort of pride he gets whenever he sees a girl checking him out, but there’s a deeper feeling telling him that she’s gonna run away once she finds out about how ‘stupid’ he is.

- authority. soda has a really hard time talking to people who are in a position of power. he gets all nervous and his hands get sweaty and his face goes sheet white in panic. his charm and social skill is enough to satisfy a conversation with a person his age, but he feels silly trying to be confident in front of an adult. he feels like they look down on him and will laugh.

- fatherhood. he’s very insecure about having a family in the future. he feels like he never appreciated his dad’s skilled parenting while he could, and since then darry has been a sort of fatherly figure in the house, but it’s hard for soda to see it that way. he grew up for 16 years with darry as a big brother and for him to suddenly be forced into a father role is troubling for soda. because of this complicated dynamic between soda and fatherhood, he feels like he won’t be able to be the best father possible for his children.

- legs. he hates his legs. you will never see soda in a pair of shorts, not even when he’s swimming. he doesn’t like the way they’re shaped and thinks that they make the rest of his body look odd, so he wears loose jeans to hide them. he’s also embarrassed of being embarrassed about them, so nobody knows, not even steve.

dallas:

- emotional intelligence. his lack of emotional intelligence is something he battles with a lot. he understands what people are feeling, but he has a hard time understanding why they feel that way. he says it’s because he’s too tuff to deal with emotions, but deep down he knows it’s because he was thrust into a traumatic childhood so early on that he never had time to build emotional bonds with people that would strengthen his empathy and understanding.

- his past, another canon take. he hates talking about it, even the good stuff, because when he thinks about new york all he can picture is 10 year old dallas watching a man being covered in a white sheet by the paramedics on the side of the road. he thinks about his friends from there and knows they’re all either locked up or dead, and it ruins any enjoyment he gets from reminiscing on the good times.

- health. he definitely has crohn’s or IBS or something else that makes his stomach hurt whenever he eats, and it embarrasses him to no end. he’s always anxious that his stomach is going to start hurting when he’s with the gang and is going to have to find some excuse to leave. he smokes so much while he’s out with them to keep from getting hungry until he gets back to buck’s place.

- his friendships. the shepherd gang is close-knit. then, the curtis’ are brothers, steve has known them forever, and two-bit is outgoing enough to make himself fit in to the group. johnny is the closest person dallas relates to, and it’s the friendship hes the most secure in.

- his smile. he knows smoking ruins his teeth, and he knows they’re crooked all over, and he knows that when he smiles his lips crack and stretch out.

johnny:

- his appearance, canon insecurity. he looks young for his age, and when the gang found him in the lot after he was beaten by Socs, they all started treating him like he was young too. he didn’t think the scar on his face was tuff, it just reminded him of being attacked.

- his voice. this is less about how it sounds and more about him not being able to speak over the shouting at home. he hates yelling, and he won’t stand in to speak up for him cause he’s too afraid of being told to “stop yelling”.

- being average. johnny feels painfully average in everything he does. he’s tried to find a skill that he truly loves and wants to take time to be good at, but he always gets frustrated and quits before he can improve.

- romance. almost every aspect of it terrifies johnny. he doesn’t know what a healthy marriage looks like, what he does know was from Mr and Mrs Curtis, but seeing them die together warped his sense of love. he doesn’t understand why you would want to love somebody so much if you didn’t have to. he doesn’t like the “til death do us part” aspect of marriage, because it makes him feel trapped. he’s not afraid of commitment, he’s afraid that he will end up in a marriage like his parents’ and not be able to leave.

two-bit:

- alcoholism. he’s an alcoholic and he knows it, but he’s been stuck in the vicious cycle of addiction for such a long time that the only way he knows how to cope with the emotional baggage of addiction is to drink more.

- social awareness. as of now, he’s very self-aware and extremely skilled in reading a room, but he didn’t used to be. he used to crack jokes at the wrong time and get scolded for it, and it made him feel horrible. like he wasn’t able to experience all the same sad feelings as everybody else because they reacted differently to the sadness than he did. they wanted to process the sadness while he wanted to ignore it.

- being absent at home. he knows he spends the majority of time at the curtis house, and he also knows that his mother spends the majority of her time at work, which leaves his little sister at home alone. he has a good relationship with her, but he doesn’t like for her to see him drunk, and as his alcoholism progresses, that gets to be more and more often. he knows this, and it’s one of the main reasons he’s so insecure about his addiction, because she’s the one who let him know that it wasn’t a one-way street. his problem affected him and her.

- commitment. two-bit is young, but he feels old enough to know how relationships work. he saw his dad walk out on them, and he was never able to process how you could go from marrying someone to leaving and never looking back. at first, he thought that his dad was just a selfish jerk, but when he met johnny and saw that his parents were also married and simultaneously abusive, he convinced himself that all marriages were bound to end up that way. he believes that if the curtis’ lived longer, they would have eventually gotten bitter and tired of each other, because in his mind, that’s just what couples do.

ponyboy:

- confidence. he has a lot of insecurities, and they’re shared pretty evenly between physical and non physical. he doesn’t like his body or his eyes. he doesn’t like how impulsive and dramatic he is.

- security. not in himself, but in life. he’s permanently on edge, feeling anxious about who’s going to be around the corner and what would happen if he got jumped and how many Socs he’d be able to fight off in case anything happened. his parents’ sudden deaths did not help this. he feels like life is constantly tossing him around, and he never feels completely safe.

- emotional outbursts. this isn’t exclusive to ponyboy, but he struggles with it the most. he hates getting upset with people, and he hates hurting other people’s feelings. when he’s feeling too many things, he starts to speak without a filter and gets mad at the littlest things, and he knows that it makes everybody around him feel bad.

- fitting in. in contrast to johnny’s insecurity, ponyboy wants nothing more than to fit in. he’s tired of being the only greaser in his classes, he’s tired of his isolated taste in movies and theatre, he’s tired of being a track star, and he’s tired of all the pressure put on him since he isn’t average.

steve

- masculinity. his dad always enforces an unrealistic standard of being strong, independent, and logical. steve is inherently all of these things, but the pressure he feels to keep it up weighs him down.

- comparing himself to others. it started in middle school when he noticed all of the people liked sodapop more. from then on he couldn’t help but feel like soda was more attractive and charming, darry was stronger and smarter, two-bit was funnier and cooler, dallas was tougher and unbothered, johnny was more likeable and down-to-earth, and ponyboy was more creative and well spoken.

- addiction. there was a time in steve’s life where he was getting high every day. at first it was fun, but then he had to quit track because he wasn’t as athletic as he used to be. it ruined his health and motivation. he started working on cars more to keep himself busy, and it helped a lot, even got him a job.

- hyperindependence. steve’s biggest character flaw is that he can’t ask for help. whether it’s asking for help in school or asking for soda to hand him a tool in the garage, steve can’t bring himself to do ask. it makes him feel like he’s not good enough to do it on his own.

[burtonbabygirlguster]

this is also NOT a jancy post, just a jonathan post that talks about how jonathan is in the relationship

Jonathan Byers' antis have always made me pissed. because they pull the most absurd shit out of their asses, and twist it, and always make him out to be the bad guy, and when they can’t do that, they just call him ugly and say they needed to scream because they saw him, or that his face ‘traumatized’ them. but now they just make me feel..unsafe? unsafe isn’t the right word, it’s like a..lesser version. i know i’m safe, but it does however reinforce one of my biggest (mental, not physical like body) insecurities. it makes me feel that sort of sad-upset, and it adds on to a certain self issue i have.

the hate on him for season four, is what i’m talking about.

him ghosting nancy, not telling her about his collage plans, those are the big things they hate on, and they’re things people do, things i do, because of self issues and being a people pleaser. and even being high.

and i hate every single person that complains about jonathan and those surrounding topics.

because guess fucking what.

to anyone that complains, “OhhHhHhH, but he LIED to nancy about college and ditched her🥺🥺” or “he had the pErFeCt opportunity to tell her when they were fixing the cabin, bleughh🥺🥺such a bad boyfriend!!” or “oHHHHHh all he did was be high, fucking bitch”

i want all of those people to remember that he ditched his dream since he was six for her. and then he couldn’t do that- because of money issues, and his family. throughout the seasons, we know Jonathan is Will’s father at this point. Jonathan had become an entire parent to Will and like a parent in general since he was probably in middle school. do i need to remind everyone that, at the ripe age of 16, he was working shifts to pay rent? since an early teenager, he has been required to be there, as a brother, son, and father. and after all the upsidedown shit? especially with Will? the government with El? yeah, he’s going to be afraid of leaving. he won’t want to, because of his early life experiences, because he is so used to being a parent, and protecting and putting everyone else before himself, and we all know the last guy to leave Jonathan’s life. it’s perfectly fucking reasonable to be scared of what would happen if you left. and with being high- shut up. he has never had even one person to comfort him. even in season one, Joyce, his mother, admits that she barely checks in on him, and she feels bad. he has no outlet, and everyone shits on him when he rightfully explodes, and then you all shit on him when he finds an outlet and uses it.

he literally talks about his fear of telling Nancy that he can’t leave his family to be with her. he says that they’re “Going to end up like his parents and his kids hate him.”

so, he has this crushing guilt because he can’t please everyone, and now he feels guilty.

and he avoids her because, oh shit, i can’t do what she wants, and i really do not want to talk about it because i’m afraid.

and that’s the issue i have.

i can not, for the life of me, say ‘no.’ if i can’t please everyone, i don’t feel good. i have been in, so far, three (technically four, one person had two) romantic relationships, and i can’t even legally drive yet.

do you know how many hours adults have vented to me, because i can’t say no, or tell them that, hey, i’m a kid. i do not need your life story, Uncle Kyle, i do not want to here this, especially considering ive known you for two years tops, and barley see you, because your not actually my uncle, your just my moms boyfriends brother, and i don't like you.

but i'm a people pleaser that can't say no, and would do anything for others, like jonathan.

back onto the direct topic- the issue i have with myself that Jonathan has, and the lack of understanding or empathy for him

Because i'm a huge people pleaser- but i'm also a guilty wreck, that gets that miserable anxiety pit gut feeling whenever someone has an opinion opposite of my own. Because- well, i can't tell them my opinion, it could all go south if we have an argument!! they might not like me- or maybe they'll use it against me, twist my words? what if they hate people that have that opinion? endless what ifs and the horrible anxiety feeling. well, one way to avoid all this is to never talk about it! if i don't talk about it, they can't get mad at me, and we’ll always be happy! Yep!

and furthermore, if i can’t please someone- i feel so guilty that i can’t even talk to them.

example- one of my friends asked me to watch a few videos, all about an hour or more. i had zero interest in what the videos were about, so, between not wanting to, and the fact that they were all an hour minimum, i didn’t watch them all that quickly. and i couldn’t stand to talk with the person- so i didn't chat with them for a few days, but still couldn't bring myself to actually watch the videos. and that's only a few examples- i have a history of this, where i can’t bring myself to please someone because i don’t enjoy it, so i wind up with a huge guilt and anxiety pit and ignore them. but each day i ignore them, it gets worse, because now, they’re going to be mad at me for not doing what they wanted, but also not talking.

and i hate this. i hate it more than anything that i’m essentially incapable of saying no,and i have this urge to please people, but then when i can’t, i get this horrible feeling. i hate it so damn much.

and the fact that that's what Jonathan is dealing with, makes me feel…glad..? glads not the right word, but it makes me feel… uuh...represented? not the right word either, but the fact that i can look at a character and relate to them, and that i'm not totally hopeless- that makes me happy.

but then Jonathan Antis came storming in here, and they make me feel like an endless pit of anxiety again. and i know my small things aren’t as big as college, but the same still applies.

and so, as someone who has a similar ‘mindset,’ if you wanna call it that, as Jonathan, all jonathan antis can fuck off.

do you know how much anxiety it feels like to have to tell someone that you can't do what they want? that you have bigger things, that it's just not for you, and how terrified you are of them being mad, so that's why you haven't talked, and your sorry, and so damn scared of how they'll think of you if you do tell them, so you can’t just tell them, especially not randomly, and you keep digging this anxiety pit, but nobody is there to pull you out of it?

because if you did know what that like, you wouldnt shit on him for this.

or, to put it short, @skylergisondo’s post;

[letarasstuff]

Doesn't she love me anymore?

(A/N): This was requested by an anon, I hope you like it as much as I do!

Summary: Spencer's daughter starts to question why her mother left the small family early on

Warnings: Mentions/undertones of bullying, an absent parent and descreptions of the concequences for the child, So. Much. Angsty. Feelings.

Wordcount: 2.5k

✨Masterlist✨ _________________________________

“Daddy?” Spencer turns around from the frying pan to look at his daughter. Against common belief, he is quite the cook. But this only started when he became a father, after he realized a child won’t be able to live off of a diet consisting of coffee and anxiety, just like he did at the time. “Yes, Sweetheart?”

She looks down to the piece of paper on the kitchen counter in front of her. “Why did Mommy leave us?”

The spatula falls to the ground. It’s a question the father did not expect on a Tuesday morning before school. “It’s because of me, isn’t it? She saw me the first time and didn’t want me anymore. It’s my fault Mommy left us, left you, just like Linda said.” Tears begin to stream down her face.

“No no no”, her father is quick to turn off the heat and walks around the island to hug his daughter. “None of this is your fault. I don’t know what this Linda said, but it is not true. Your mother had her own reasons to stay out of our lives, but it has nothing to do with you.”

This doesn’t calm her down. “What are her reasons? Why did she leave us? Why did leave me?” Frantically she tries to keep her sobs down in order to speak. Spencer never has seen her this upset.

“Sweetheart, are you sure you are in the right state to talk about it now? Why don’t we calm down and get something for breakfast on our way to school and talk about it after I pick you up this afternoon?” He suggests, hoping the thought of a cup of hot chocolate from their favorite bakery would help her.

(Y/N) looks up at him with bloodshot and glassy eyes. Snot runs down from her nose. Spencer is quick to get her a tissue and make her blow into it, cringing internally about all those germs. “Do you promise to tell me more after school?” Big eyes look up at him and the father hurts. It hurts him, because there are so many things in her future that will break her and all that because of her mother. He can’t shield her from all of it, as much as he wants to he isn’t able. Because there always will be people, people like this Linda, who will make the girl conscious of her absent mother.

“I promise”, he tells her and holds his little finger out for her. (Y/N) smiles while linking hers with his, knowing her father will keep this promise just like any other of his. “Good, and now pack up we got a bakery to visit!” Quickly the girl grabs the piece of paper in front of her only to shove it into her backpack.

A little later she sits at her desk and looks at her teacher expectantly, just like her fellow classmates. “Ok children, today we won’t work further on our addition and subtraction worksheets-” The teacher’s sentence is cut short by the eruption of cheerful shouts. Just (Y/N) looks at the multiplication sheet in front of her.

The teacher is quick to quiet the class again. “Instead we will continue our work on the mother’s card you started doing yesterday. Linda was so kind to tell me that you don’t have the chance to finish them at home, because your moms are there. That is why you do it here and your worksheets at home.”

With a frown on her face (Y/N) pulls out the blank piece of paper that made her feel bad ever since her teacher handed it out to her yesterday. While everybody around her chatters happily with other classmates, she just stares at the paper. It is a reminder of something she doesn’t have, something she lacks and will never get: A real mother. A hug from her mother. Not even the motherly reassurance one gets after a nightmare. Nothing.

“Hey orphan. Ya realizing your mom doesn’t love you and that’s why she left you?” Linda, someone (Y/N) later learns to call a Mean Girl, struts up to the younger one’s desk. A sigh leaves her lips before answering. “You do know for an orphan I need to have neither a mommy nor a daddy. And I do for a fact have a dad, a loving one actually.”

A more light than hard slap on the back of her head makes the girl’s body jolt. “I don’t care, but I know that your mom hates you enough just after looking at you to know she doesn’t want anything to do with you.” After that Linda goes back to her table, leaving (Y/N) feeling more miserable than before.

Some starring on the paper later her teacher passes her table. “Is there something you want to talk about, Sweetheart? You seem very sad.” That is an obvious fact. Finally the girl is able to lift her gaze. “Miss Ramirez, I don’t know what to do.” This is probably the first time ever she said this sentence in school.

“Mother’s day is in a few days, Sweetie, and this is why we all make these cards. It’s a thank you to your mom and a way to show her how much you love her. You love your mom, don’t you?” The shake of her head shocks the teacher. Immediately an alarming signal rings through her head, because this is a red flag. “Why? Did she do something?”

“Miss Ramirez, I don’t have a mommy. She- she left Daddy and me.” Tears fill (Y/N)’s eyes. Her teacher is quick to hug and sush her. “Oh Sweetie, this is not a bad thing. I’m sure your mom loves you very much, even if she is not there with you. Do you wanna go out for a bit to calm down?” Meanwhile she connects the obvious signs of a single dad in her mind. Missed parent teacher conferences, unnecessary hovering over the child and the tendency to be categorized as a helicopter parent. Yes, Dr. Reid ticks all of those boxes.

It’s the second time of the day that an adult asked (Y/N) to calm down, and frankly it doesn’t really help with the situation at hand. “Can I do my homework outside? It’s too loud in here”, she asks between sniffles. Both of them know that the class’ volume is not the real reason for the request. “Of course, Sweetheart. If you need something, just come in and ask me. Alright?” (Y/N) nods and gets her multiplication sheet and a pencil before leaving the classroom.

At the end of the school day, Spencer is there to pick up his daughter. For days like these, where are no cases, Hotch gave him a free pass on (Y/N)’s very first day at school to leave the office earlier to be able to pick her up himself. As a father and someone who works the same high demanding job as him, he knows that little things like these are often the most important. And even if there were a case today, Spencer would have stayed back. He promised his daughter the truth and this is what he is going to tell her.

“Hey Dr. Reid. Do you have a moment?” Her teacher greets him at the classroom door. Concerned about his child’s wellbeing he nods and follows her back out of the room. “I gave the children the assignment of creating a card for their mothers, because mother’s day is rolling around. Today (Y/N) told me her mother left you, is that right?” This is the moment Spencer connects the dots. This is the kick off that made her question her mother’s motives about leaving all of the sudden.

The young doctor clears his throat. “Uhm yes, that is right. Actually, I’m going to talk to her about it right after school on her demand.” Miss Ramirez nods with an understanding nod. “Thank you for your honesty, Dr. Reid. I also want to warn you, in two days we will hold a celebration in honor of mother’s day with the kids’ mothers. You are invited as a father, because this is a special situation. But I also give (Y/N) a free pass for this event. It can be very traumatic for her.”

The dad thanks her, but his thoughts are somewhere else. He is mad. He is mad for his daughter, because she will always be the one with a “special situation”. The odd one, because yeah, it isn’t uncommon for fathers to leave (which isn’t anything less sad and traumatic), but an absent mother hits differently.

But Spencer is also hurt. Hurt, because for her young age, there is already the word “traumatic” thrown around. No, it isn’t enough that her dad works a job with the risk of him not coming home from a case again, or being the target of an enemy. No, she also has to go through the experience of missing a parent, never knowing how her life would be if it wasn’t for someone like her mother.

Even with Spencer trying to fill that role, there will be a time where (Y/N) will ask herself all of the “what ifs”. He can’t stop it from happening, and that is his biggest pain right there. Because he can’t shield her from her own thoughts. At the age of six she already is a bright, brilliant and talented mind. Now in a few years or maybe just months, she will start to think about her mother being the root of her pain, bad experiences and hurt. Her thoughts will lead to a downward spiral of how a person can do something like her mother, who acted like that with the knowledge of which consequences will follow. And Spencer can’t stop this from happening.

“Daddy!” A small thud comes from (Y/N) colliding with his leg. Just by the way she squeezes it he knows that she hasn’t had a good day at school. “Hey Baby. Do you want to go to the office for a bit? I think your Auntie Penelope told me something about a new science set she got for you. Or do you want to go straight home?” Spencer asks after lifting her into his arms. Immediately she hides her face into the crook of his neck. “Home”, she murmurs. Home it is then.

“Aaaaaand here comes the little missy’s hot chocolate!” The father says in a funny voice while carefully putting the cup into his daughter’s hands. She sits covered in a blanket on the sofa, looking expectantly at her father.

Spencer sighs at the lack of reaction. “Are you sure you want to hear it?” (Y/N) nods adamantly. “Ok, but I got to go a bit back for this story

“It was about eight years ago, I worked on a case with your Aunties and Uncles back then. I was the one who had to get the last round of coffee for the night at a small 24/7 diner. As I walked in I thought I died, because I was sure an angel stood right in front of me. Well not-” “Is that Mommy?!” (Y/N) cuts him off excitedly. Spencer smiles slightly. “You need to listen to the story!” The girl shifts in her seat. “Right, sorry.”

As I was saying: well in front, because she sat at the bar waiting for her order. I nervously ordered the coffees and had to begin three times, because I kept messing up, mesmerized by her sole atmosphere. As the waiter went to put the coffee pot on, the woman turned towards me and introduced herself. After that she asked me what I was doing late at night in a small town like that and we somehow forgot everything around us by just talking. After that we stayed in touch. Six months later we became a couple, she moved to DC in order for me to still be able to do my job here.

“Two years later your Mom got pregnant with you, and it was quite a surprise to us. But we felt ready at that time and so she moved in with me and we had you. The first few months were great, we couldn’t be happier. BUt then you continuously became ill. At first just a cold, then the pocks and so on. I think it was the third night in a row where you held us up all night. I took a year off from work to care for you with your Mom. I carried you through our apartment the whole night, giving you a bottle, singing, reading, doing anything.

“Then I saw her standing in the doorway. Even though there was baby vomit on her sweatpants and I had never seen her eye bags being this dark, she was the most beautiful woman to me. I approached her with a smile, but her frown only deepened. I thought it was because she worried about you and your health. Instead she told me she can’t do it. She can’t be a mother, that she wasn’t cut for this job.” Her exact words still resonate in Spencer’s ears to this day. He knows exactly what she said, word for word, and they never stopped to sting any less.

“So Mommy left us because I was too much trouble?” (Y/N)’s voice sounds even sadder than before. “No, it never was because of you. She knew exactly what it meant to have a child. Your mother knew what kind of work it takes and what the future brought. You have absolutely nothing to do with it. Some people are just not made to be parents and it’s better when they realize it themselves and leave the situation.”

(Y/N) nods, her mind running wild. All of that makes plenty of sense but at the same time not. “Sweetheart, that doesn’t change the fact that I love you and I will never leave you. You are my everything and I’m so happy to be a dad to such a wonderful little girl like you. I want you to remember that your Mom may not be here with us, but she still loves you. And I’m here for you, for anything you need, want or don’t want. Do you understand me?”

She nods again and curls up into her father’s lap. “Can we watch something?” She asks after a bit of silence, where both of them indulged their own thoughts. Quickly the TV turned on and some kids movie plays. The rest of the day the small family spends all the time cuddled on the couch, because at the moment they need to feel the other there with them.

The next two days Spencer calls (Y/N) in sick at school and himself at work, because together they fly to Vegas. Just because her own mother wasn’t ready for the job, doesn’t mean they can’t appreciate the work her grandmother did as a mother. That and you never know how much time you have left with the people who are dear to you.

Taglist:

All works:

@dindjarinsspouse @big-galaxy-chaos @jswessie187 @kneelforloki

Criminal Minds:

@averyhotchner @mggsprettygirl @herecomesthewriterwitch @ash19871962 @ellyhotchner

Spencer Reid x child!reader:

@ilovetaquitosmmmm

[onbeinganangel]

drarry tag game ✨

thank you lovely @kbrick for making this and for the tag! i've been loving seeing it cross my dash so many times now and getting to learn how we all ended up here on this wee corner of the internet 💕

When did you get into Drarry and why? i started reading drarry in late 2019, i think? i know i got to the pairing via wolfstar but unsure what exactly was that made me think "okay maybe i'll give these guys a go!" i'd had not actively read fic or interacted with any fandom in a long time. wolfstar was my main pairing for YEARS and, of course, drarry always existed in the periphery of that for me, but i never felt the pull before? then, the beginning of the pandemic coincided with a significantly traumatic experience for me and i was very very sad and needed distractions very very desperately, and i just couldn't help but let myself fall. especially with such a bounty of new (to me) stories, voices, writing styles, premises! it felt really good to still be in the same familiar universe as the pairing that had been my first love, but this time through a pairing that has a wildly different context and backstory!

Which Drarry fic hooked you? i have terrible memory and really can't be sure but i believe i read He Who Must Not Be Normal by @letteredlettered, Burn The Witch by @lettersbyelise and Yours to Keep by @dracoismytrashson fairly early on when dipping my toes into the fandom (i literally didn't even have an ao3 account at this point, i was trying so hard to be casual about drarry) and i feel like all three of them were fairly crucial in pulling me in.

Top three favorite Drarry fics: ugh i can't do this lol here are FIVE (sorry, i am terrible) fics that touched me so deeply i had to discuss them with my therapist: Running on Air by @tinyhistory, Modern Love by @tackytigerfic, Way Down We Go by @xiaq, Far From The Tree by aideomai, and Tit for Tat by @mintamintathings.

Why can’t you quit them? OBSESSION. like, why are they sooooooooo into each other? it's disgusting and i love it. they're just heart shaped eyes and pitterpattering hearts and boners all over, all the time. plus, those eyes, hearts and boners really do not care about war, situational angst and/or trauma! in fact, they're kind of into it? god, they are insane for each other, it makes me go feral.

Would you rather be friends with Harry or Draco? i would love to be pals with Draco but realistically i think our personalities would clash A LOT. we'd be good drinking/partying/casual social buddies, but i think it would be very hard for Draco and I to become actual friends instead of just acquaintances. one of my actual irl besties is basically Harry both life-story and personality wise (afaik they have not saved the wizarding world but i can't be sure tbh) so i'm pretty certain Harry and I would get on like an house on fire :)

Who breaks your heart more often? Harry, always.

Ideal career for Harry? For Draco? for Harry, teacher maybe? let the man have peace, anyway. Draco would need something with a little more panache. if he was a professor at hogwarts he'd want the head of house position, probably eventually headmaster. if he was a wand maker/potions master he'd want to be the best in business, if he was a quidditch player, he'd want his team to be not only the top of the league but he'd be constantly trying to break some kind of record — both because of a leftover Malfoys-must-be-better-than-everyone bullshit from his childhood that he is trying very hard to let go of, and because of a desperate need to prove himself to be good.

Harry and Draco are being sent to a desert island for a week with plenty of food and water. Each is allowed to bring three additional items (no wands). What do they bring? Harry would bring a pocket knife, a book and sunscreen (knowing Draco would forget). Draco would bring three books in a panic and cry about forgetting the sunscreen as soon as they get to the island.

Favorite non-Drarry HP character? SIRIUS BLACK always and 4ever. (actually probably closely followed by his little brother these days. no i do not have a Regulus Black shaped problem, i have this obsession completely and totally under control, thank u ever so much)

If you had to pick one, enemies to lovers or (enemies to) friends to lovers? first of all god made me a bisexual so i didn't have to pick so this is like... cruel. but? enemies to friends to lovers, i guess? best of both worlds? i am a big fan of a good awkward phase. "i wanna be his friend but he still hates me" (not true), "i wanna date him but he thinks we're just fucking" (extremely not true, just hold hands ffs), "did he just propose as a joke" (sir pls work on your insecurities)

Would you rather read a fic that made you laugh or one that made you cry? i was put on this earth to weep and look pretty.

Three songs that scream Drarry to you (feel free to include the Drarry-est lyrics!): hmmm, i am bad at music but there's the one I wrote my Wireless last year to, Jefferson's Torch by Johnny Flynn, with the phenomenal lyrics: We were measured in the dark by timetabled tragedy / There's a real turn of age in disaster

literally all of The Dear Hunter's King of Swords (Reversed) is very very drarry so i won't pick specific lyrics from that one but just go listen to it

anddddd Savior Complex by Phoebe Bridgers, which i sent in to drarrymicrofic once as a prompt because i needed everyone's drarry takes on it! i mean, I'm a bad liar / With a savior complex / All the skeletons you hide / Show me yours, and I'll show you mine? that's got Drarry all over

Favorite authors outside of fic? oh, this is tricky simply because i don't tend to read a lot by the same author unless it's a series, so there are a lot of authors i am happy to say i love based on only one book! variety is the spice of life and all LOL i'm just gonna pick some names at random out of the magician's hat that is my brain: Elena Ferrante, Oscar Wilde, James Baldwin, Patrick Rothfuss, Madeline Miller, Fernando Pessoa, Paolo Giordano, Diana Wynne Jones

i really don't know who's done this and who hasn't but if you're seeing this and haven't please do and tag me because i'm nosy!

[homunculusalphonse]

// discussions of racism and death

there was a more detailed post on this, but i find it interesting that despite hank's obvious anti-android sentiments, he never went out of his way to harass connor. i'm certainly not justifying him and i still hate the fact we're forced to see anti android stickers in hank's desk (i wonder about that after connor deviates... i still think that hank warmed up too quickly to connor). but i mean, you never see hank actively going out of his way to harass connor or any of the other androids, like g*vin does to connor. hank is only hostile unless you're an asshole to him, like spitting his drink or invading his personal space. i mean, i think that's valid, honestly. would you be happy if you were in a hangover and some smartass literally crashed into your house and forced you to solve a case??

yeah i do not like hank's language and his behavior early on. sometimes i think people choose to ignore hank's past bigotry and have connor not mind. connor is a very direct person, i imagine he would have a serious talk to hank after canon. however, when i see the same folks stanning g*vin and making him to be sympathetic and have a deep and sad backstory, i'm just... hank is literally RIGHT THERE??

again, we shouldn't ignore hank's bigotry, but to some degree you could argue that hank has never actually hated androids themselves. hank hates the lack of care that humankind has given to him. we learn through cole's death that a human doctor didn't give a crap about his son almost dying, so he had an android with no experience at all handle the hard work. besides, hank does encourage connor to spare the deviants, and he cares about connor's safety. hank is visibly bothered every time a deviant dies (like the tracis) or when connor does something reckless. he becomes suicidal if connor dies so many times, because it reminds him so much of cole.

hank cares despite his very traumatic experience.

the point is that g*vin doesn't care. g*vin was created to be unpleasant and a dickhead. he's the basic racist white cop that believes that androids will "steal his job" and he even kills connor with no remorse at all. hank does kill connor in one of the game branches, but even that requires many, many conscious choices until hank is finally convinced that it doesn't fucking matter, connor is just a machine with no heart like the humans proved to be.

something else i do like about hank is that even if connor remains following cyberlife, hank might fight him with nothing but his revolver while connor has a goddamn sniper and amazing fighting skills. hank is willing to lose his job - and his life - to protect androids, he's willing to face connor and likely die to support their cause. it's also noticeable that there's only one ending where hank and connor are together and happy (it kind of saddens me tbh).

hank is a very, very interesting character, and it kinda sucks that ppl want g*vin to be hank so bad that they kind of... woobify hank, tbh. there's not much analysis on hank and despite all of dbh's horrible writing, i think hank is probably one of the game's best characters (i emphasize they could've improved some things, ofc).

[dreamsatdusk]

Analysis:  Baghra and the Apparat

I received an Anon ask a while back and accidentally published it before it was done a while back.  Privated the post but decided to have the final product as a new post just in case; I don’t want it buried in tags from way back.

The Ask:

Hello! Can you do a breakdown on Baghra's character and the Apparat's? I'm interested in reading your thoughts about them

Thank you for the ask!  And apologies for the delay in response.

Baghra

One of the first Grisha meta posts I wrote years ago was about how the way Baghra and her hut are portrayed evoke the impression of Baba Yaga.  Her appearance, hut in the woods (likely amidst birch trees), and something of her attitude all lend themselves to it.  Since then, I’ve also come to think there might be a bit of tie in to the tale of Vasilisa the Beautiful, who was forced to go and bargain with Baba Yaga for a light against the darkness.  

Looking past that surface, in the trilogy we are presented with Baghra as a figure both ascetic and penitential, as well as bitter and unkind.  The latter traits are well explained by what we learn of her history:  she has had a long life filled with a great deal of loss, with countless threats to Grisha and particularly to she and her son, different as they are even from other Grisha.  Her childhood was a sad one brimming with trauma and what she recalls of her parents to Alina causes me to think that she did not feel truly loved by either one of them.  I think their treatment of her and behavior toward each other shaped her perspective on life in profound ways, ones she never got past.

But the former traits don’t have so obvious a cause on page if you look more deeply.  Her lifestyle is very austere despite the fact there is no need for it - she is not on the run and in hiding any longer as she was in the Darkling’s youth.  Her conversations with Alina in regards to her son are couched in religious terms:  she is worried about his being beyond redemption, she speaks of merzost as abomination, and so forth. In R&R, she has Misha read religious parables to her to pass the time.

This clashes with what we know of contemporary Grisha.  It is said at one point in S&B that Grisha don’t put much stock in religion and we see the Darkling does not seem to either.  Not to mention the fact that he and his mother knew at least several Grisha who later became considered saints.  I find it likely they suspected other saints could also have been Grisha - Grisha and martyred for it, their true identities obscured so later people could pray to them and not have to consider the ‘unnatural’ people they were.  It makes a lot of sense that neither Baghra nor the Darkling would invest much consideration in Ravkan religion as it is presented on page.  In fact, it seems like they’d find it more infuriating than anything.  And yet.

The Second Army has no need to lead lives of deprivation.  Yes, they eat ‘peasant-style breakfast’ and such, but their rooms are gorgeous, they have beautiful clothing, sugar for their tea and so forth.  Baghra surely wouldn’t be living in a tiny dark hut in the trees unless that is what she wanted.

There’s also the fact that she shows signs of not using her summoning powers.   Even before S&S, she’s apparently quite chilly a lot.  It makes sense she wouldn’t show she could summon shadows where other Grisha could see.  But the indication is she isn’t using her powers at all.   That is another way she seems to have chosen to deprive herself, to the point of impacting her health.  Perhaps she even hoped that it would lead to her death, but apparently it has not been enough to override the impact of her amplification talent.

Looking back at the woman seen in Demon in the Wood and was glimpsed in the tale she tells Alina of her past, it very much seems to be something happened to turn who Baghra was into who we see in the trilogy.  

I suspect much of the true reason is that she is pretty much a plot device in the story.  She needs to spook and horrify Alina into running.  Her talk of ‘redemption’ and ‘abomination’ are peculiar in terms of many other elements we see in the books.  I’m writing a meta on the amplifiers and merzost and such that goes into this further, but I’ve also written some in the past about how there’s no real reason to believe merzost is inherently bad. Baghra has clearly decided it is though and speaks of it and her son’s actions in absolutist terms.  Because she needs to in order to have the narrative run how it does, more than once.

And again, what reason would this character really have to put so much faith in Ravkan religion?  

What’s a possible in-universe explanation for this?  I think the creation of the Shadow Fold works well for that.  We find out that what the Black Heretic was actually trying to do was recreate Morozova’s amplifier experiments and something went wrong.  (This is the focus of the upcoming meta I mentioned above.). The Fold happened and all of the people within its bounds were transformed into volcra. All in all, a horrific situation, however much an accident.  This could have functioned as such a systemic shock to Baghra’s worldview that she sought solace and perhaps forgiveness in religion.  I suspect she felt guilt, which is pointed to in things she says in the trilogy.  Also, she’s the reason the Darkling even had Morozova’s journals - she went back to the village she was born in and found them, per R&R.

I still think her being invested in the Ravkan religion itself is a weak point, but could be generously explained by just how traumatized she was by the Shadow Fold situation.  She may have desperately wanted something to believe in.  That said, the lack of any sign in the books of what more lies behind Ravkan religion than Saints and the fact that Baghra knows that at least several of those Saints were actually Grisha, doesn’t make this the strongest argument to me.

I also wrote some weeks back on how Baghra was portrayed as emotionally and physically abusive to Alina and according to their own accountings in R&R, other Grisha as well.  In the early days of the fandom, I never really saw that acknowledged, though it has gotten far more recognition this year with new people reading the books since the release of the tv show.

Overall, she is a very bitter person and I think a lot of what we see of her is driven OOC by her being largely a plot device and IC by guilt.  She feels guilty about the Fold’s creation and so forth and lashes out at others in misdirected anger.

I think this also relates somewhat to her treatment of Alina in S&S and R&R.  She blames Alina for not ‘adequately’ running away (went after the stag instead), blames her for the Darkling putting himself beyond redemption (in Baghra’s mind - like too many people IRL, she seems to not understand what redemption actually is), blames her for the sea whip, for wanting to find the third amplifier.  She blames Alina for these things, but it is likely a mask for further personal guilt. Of all people, Baghra is likely the one who would have been most successful in stopping the Darkling before things took the path they did.  He trusted her.

But her nasty treatment of others obscures that Baghra is largely a passive character in the trilogy. Whether out of love or some variety of religious concern, she doesn’t try to kill her son.  She doesn’t remove Alina from the situation in a more final way, only tells her to run.  And in the end, she commits suicide rather than more directly confront the Darkling.

The Apparat

Okay, after all that, I don’t have near as much about the Apparat. *L*

If Baghra’s surface details are meant to evoke Baba Yaga, then I think the Apparat’s point to Rasputin.  His physical description was practically a caricature (if you’ve only seen the show, he looked far less revolting in that than he was described in the books) and he starts out as a trusted advisor to the Ravkan royal family.

One of the big questions about the Apparat is about what he truly believes.  He was in cahoots with the Darkling around the coup against the Lantsov dynasty in S&B, but he later swung his support behind the Sun Summoner.  I think it would be a believable reading of the text to suspect he may have planned to do so since learning of Alina’s existence.  There’s no real reason to think he truly supported the Darkling’s cause or cared much for Grisha themselves; on the latter point, I think the greater support is for the idea that he does not care about the Grisha and just used them to get what he wanted.  

His presentation is a mix of True Believer and power-seeker and a great deal of the questions around him relate to where one thinks he falls most strongly on that spectrum.  Alina’s interactions with him in S&B have the hallmarks of a fanatic, but then, these signs are also seen through Alina’s eyes and you have to consider whether she is seeing reality or a careful act.  I think the case could be made for either.   But either way, I also think he wanted power.  I suppose you could argue he wanted power on behalf of Sankta Alina, but I think his actions in R&R show that an Alina who wasn’t going to comply with his wishes was deemed more trouble than she was worth. If she had died, I don’t think he fundamentally would have cared.  She had established enough of a reputation, was known to enough people, that he could have exploited her as a martyr without having to deal with the reality.

The Apparat was the sort of character I tend to really dislike (religious manipulation, etc.).  Something that struck me in all the books is how more than one character was strangely...tolerant of him. He backstabbed people more than once and yet nothing was every truly done about it.

[codenamebooks]

10 Best Books of 2020

I’m super excited for this post because this has been my best reading year since early high school. That means that I got to read many books that I really liked so it was actually kind of hard solidifying the entire list. I had been updating it after every book I read but for this post I made a few tweaks.

Of course, as a fair warning, these are simply my opinions. If you hate these books, that’s perfectly fine with me but I personally loved them and gave them all 4 or 5 out of 5 stars.

1. A Court of Thorns and Roses series (#1-#3.5) by Sarah J. Maas

Although two books separated the series in my ranking, I thought it’d be unfair for 4 out of my top 10 to be from the same series. This series seriously blew me away. It was the first time that I had to buy the next book immediately so I could read it. I was hooked into the drama and fantasy world quicker than I have with any other fantasy I’ve read. I believe it was the first book that really pushed me toward fantasies for the rest of the year and I’m happy with that.

2. The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue by V.E. Schwab

This is my favorite novel of the year but, as I said, the entirety of the ACOTAR series trumped it. Regardless, I’ve never been so drawn into a story and plot. I finally understood what reviewers meant when they claim that a story is “atmospheric”. The entire time I felt like I was experiencing every little thing with Addie because of how beautiful and lyrical Schwab’s descriptions are. I really, truly hope that, if/when I become more serious about my writing, that I will be able to write like this.

3. Isla and the Happily Ever After by Stephanie Perkins

This was my contemporary romance of the year! Oh my gosh did it make me so happy and giddy with excitement and laughter, even sadness. Out of all of the books in this trilogy, this was definitely the most mature and therefore my favorite. Nothing felt ridiculous or over done like in Lola and not immature like some themes in Anna. Josh easily moved towards the top of my list for fictional boyfriends because he was honestly so cute and real. The depth was amazing!

4. All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven

The book that made me sob at 2 a.m. This book holds a special place in my heart because it’s only the second novel to have made me cry so heavily. Finch and Violet were such brilliant characters and I loved their arcs individually and together so much. Even though for a few pages I could see it coming, my heart still broke into little pieces over the last however many pages after. Although it had it’s funny and heartwarming highs, I really felt the lows.

5. We Were Liars by E. Lockhart

The third book that has ever made me sob. This was a narrative structure that I’ve never seen before and I didn’t hate it’s mysterious plot twists and turns. Although I feel like there are some hints that I might have missed, I still fully grasped the weight of the book. It broke my heart in the third part because of how much I had grown to love our four liars. So much so that I started to dislike them due to their very consistent (yay!) personalities and habits leading me to be even more upset.

6. Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng

This was important and impactful. The way that Celeste Ng managed to encompass so many histories and storylines and futures was beautiful! It takes true talent to have so much control of so many characters and relationships. The way that she hands the question of morality to the reader, that the narrator doesn’t justify anything, just tells us the story and let’s us decide needs to happen more!

7. Carve the Mark duology by Veronica Roth

Once again, a series grouped together because they didn’t rank far apart. This duo was specifically boosted for me due to the second novel, which I found was also the case for many others on Goodreads. The experience of the growth in writing was brilliant! This was fun and adventurous and the world is so expansive. I really loved how the plot and pace in both books were handled. Nothing was ever rushed or ignored and no plot holes were left open. That’s all I ask for, especially out of such a short series.

8. The Darkest Minds by Alexandra Bracken

This was another dystopian fantasy read that I enjoyed because of how fun it was. I liked the way that Bracken handles writing younger characters in a traumatic setting. It felt more real than the 16 year olds in YAs from my middle school years who just knew everything immediately or fell in love in .2 seconds. Ruby grows and builds her strength and abilities throughout the entire novel so that she’s able to use them in the chaos at the end, and we’re proud to see that she’s taking control of her powers, not only in a life or death situation. The relationship between Liam and Ruby (and Chubs and Zu) is adorable and the slow build into friendship and the drive to protect each other and then to love (?!) is the sweetest thing.

9. City of Bones by Cassandra Clare

There were a lot of ridiculous things in this first book but it was entertaining. The world is so expansive and I believe that when Clare grasps it in the later books it’ll be even better. The pacing is what keep me afloat in this book because it was constantly moving towards something new. Although that allowed plot holes to open as we flew past subplots, I’m sure they’ll be addressed in due time. I mean, Clare and this series/world wouldn’t be popular if it didn’t get better, right?

10. Lola and the Boy Next Door by Stephanie Perkins

I didn’t include this with Isla and the Happily Ever After like I did with other series because it didn’t meet the level of love I had for Isla. It was fun but it was incredibly dramatic and unrealistic on some fronts that I couldn’t manage allow. But I laughed and I swooned exactly where I was supposed to. Even with it being ridiculous, the exaggerations were endearing because it felt like a world further away from mine than most contemporaries. People need to admit, extremes can add to the appeal more than it takes away.

[stinkiekinnie]

Casper headcanons because why not:

I theorize the Ghostly Trio aren't related, sorry, BUT I do think that at least one of them is Casper's biological uncle, and I'm rooting for Fatso. The rest could be like close friends of JT idk they don't give me biological siblings vibes but that could be because the final 1995 movie didn't show much about them in life and I'm mad about it

Based on the 1996s cartoon, almost everytime they wear wigs Stinkie has a blond one so he had dirty blonde hair in life I don't make the rules, and Fatso and Stretch had different shades of brown hair, even tho Stretch's hair went grey real quick so it matches the Joe Nipote's photos in the movie✌️

They inherited Whipstaff after JT being sent to the asylum, that's why they don't want to leave the manor

Since Stretch is the oldest canonically, I think the order would be Stretch - Fatso - Stinkie - JT

Also Stretch has smoker vibes im SORRY that's something that I think many of us agree on and my god he just... Smoked in life

Basing of the unreleased footage of the photo scene in the movie, I do think that both Stretch and Fatso were wealthier than Stinkie, because of the clothes and such, even though we don't get to see Stinkie's body, so I could be wrong, but the photo featuring a more country-like background, I'm guessing one of them probably didn't live in the city

That's another thing why I theorize they're not biological brothers, but it could also be because of Stinkie being one of the youngest siblings, and not inheriting as much as the older ones.

A post by @murderride suggested that the Trio was diagnosed while they were alive (basing of the Lucky to be a Ghost unreleased song) and I'm rooting for that, but I'm surprised they were not put in the asylum *that we are aware of*, maybe they were in their latter days, but that's a hole I don't really know how to fit yet, but they have definitely had bad experiences with shrinks and probably hold grudges to them, specially not Just because of them, but probably because of what happened to JT too

They *do* care about Casper, but I think that because of their outdated ideology they are expecting way more from him, and in the early days it was not a weird thing for kids (specially orphans) to take care of older family members that took custody of them. I do think that they can be real pushovers and take their jokes too far, and do not condone it, but I think they have a weird way of showing their care for him

Also Casper shows great respect to them, so I think they may had have a better relationship in life, they do seem kinda dorky in the unreleased footage's photo and I like to theorize that they sent to Whipstaff for him when he was younger <:)

Theyre also canonically around 50, or at least the 1996's cartoon refers to them as 'elderly juveniles', and in a chapter about a ghost in a portrait, Stinkie explains they have at least 150 years and a half, and them being dead for 100 years at the time, would make the numbers

I too think they've definitely lost their features because of time passing and loss of memory but that's almost an accepted thing if im not wrong

Also I think we don't talk much about how Casper is definitely a traumatized child. He was only 12 when he died and then he saw how his father was put in an asylum for wanting to bring him back just to never see him again, and then his dead uncles came along. The fact that the movie states this is fucked up taking in thought that it was a children's movie and still has such a dark tone to it

Casper also probably didn't have many friends in life and that's why he had so many toys and wants to make friends so bad :(

Man i just feel bad for him and I really want him to be happy

Also im sorry bold of anyone to assume the uncles are straight

They're so gay

Fatso canonically crossdresses and didn't take Dr. Harvey's kiss in a bad way like I feel he was definitely the most queercoded out of the three

I feel like they tried to make them straighter in the cartoon but damage had already been done

At least they're bi

Also Fatso really likes "traditionally feminine" things like painting his nails or going shopping and I think that just adds up to the fact that he's queercoded

And I love him a lot

And the fact that he was alcoholic and has an ED makes me so sad like WHY THE FUCK did they think that calling someone with an eating disorder FATSO and him being fat or "wasting weight" or hungry as a running gag was in any way a good idea just,,,, no talk me im angy

I may post more of these in the future but idk, I'd love to discuss theories

[fyeah-bangtan7]

BTS' V on His Upcoming Mixtape, His Love of 'The Godfather,' and Being a 'Secret Member'

"When they said I was a hidden member, I actually thought I'd been cut from the team," V says

From the start, singer-songwriter-producer V was BTS’ secret weapon. His rich, deep voice is a pleasing contrast to his fellow singers’ ever-higher high notes, and he’s not afraid to delve into full-on bedroom R&B, as on the downright sultry neo-soul track “Intro: Singularity.” With a love of jazz and classical music, V began his musical life as a saxophone player, and has the most eclectic list of influences of any member of BTS, from Sammy Davis Jr. to Sam Cooke to Coldplay (BTS’ recent cover of “Fix You” was apparently his idea). Wearing a black newsboy-style hat, a zipped-up black parka, and a white mask in his label’s headquarters one morning in April, he sipped orange juice and talked about his upcoming mixtape, his Elvis Presley fandom, his favorite movies, and more.

I know yesterday you did a variety show for the first time in a long time. How was that? It was our first appearance in five years. So I was really nervous and I was really tense. So I didn’t get a lot of sleep. But then actually when we showed up yesterday for the actual shoot, the host of the program was really kind and really accommodating. So everything went really well. I felt really comfortable. And then this morning, because of our interview, I also didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.

I’m sorry about that! [Laughs] No, no, no, no, no.

I know you had been working very hard on your mixtape, and it’s been delayed, and I think you feel a lot of pressure to make it right. How’s it going now? We’ve worked and made music as a group, and as a group only. So working on my own tape means that I have to do everything related to all the songs on the album. I have to take part in writing the lyrics and the melodies for all the songs and the production process. So, it is a bit of a pressure to bear all of the load that is distributed among the other members for a group album. So it is tough. But what is good about it is it gives me an opportunity to show who I am, and show the music that really has the color of Kim Taehyung, the color of V, to our ARMY. So that’s great opportunity of course, and that’s what makes creating this mixtape so much fun and fulfilling.

So, what is your current prediction for when you will put it out? I originally thought of releasing it last year. But it turned out to be more harder and more complex than I imagined that it would be. So then I thought I would release it early this year. But again, it turned out to be a bit more tough than I thought it would be! So now I’m looking at the end of this year.

You already had the solo song “Sweet Night,” from a TV soundtrack. What did you take away from the experience of making that? That was released as part of a soundtrack for someone I knew really well [actor and former cast-mate Park Seo-joon]. but it was actually originally made as part of my mixtape. It’s one of my personal songs. That song started out from me feeling that I really wanted a good night’s sleep.

“Blue and Gray” is a gorgeous song. You said you wrote it about a time when work was really hard for you and you weren’t happy. What was it about the work that was hard? That was when the Covid pandemic was just really expanding and becoming serious. We had prepared really hard to show ARMY our “On” performances. And what I was finding difficult at the time was not being able to show what we practiced and prepared so hard. I was telling all ARMY on social media, “Get ready, we’re about to show you these great performances!” So that was really frustrating and difficult and it made me sad. I think there was a measure of being tired and really sort of burned out a little bit from the work as well.

Were there any good points of this year off the road? It allowed me to really focus on something. Pre-Covid, I was so busy that I couldn’t really concentrate on one thing or really focus on something new. If I wanted to do a new thing, I was really forced to sort of be a dilettante. I couldn’t dive deep. But during the last year I had more time. In my work, I really tried to do more producing and then go more in-depth on my music. My melodies before were not that complex, or intricate, I thought. But I was able to focus more energy into it, to listen to more music, and really sort of think about more things. And that, I think, helped me to really dive into the producing aspect of making music. And I had a lot of time to come up with good melodies, and also had a lot of time to just sort of sit and vegetate. [Laughs] And that also helped me.

I know that you like many different kinds of music. Tell me about some of your musical heroes. My musical heroes are constantly changing by the hour almost. So yesterday, you know, it was Elvis Presley. And today might be somebody else. This is sort of my personal preference, but I think I like the older Elvis Presley, the Elvis Presley of his later years. There are many famous Elvis songs, but I feel like there’s a lot of songs that are more hidden, and not as prominent in the song discography. So, what I’m trying to do, and what I want to do, is listen to every single song, even if it’s just one minute of the song. Both the big songs and even the songs that are sort of hidden among the tracks.

There’s some great 1950s ones as well, but you’re right, late-period songs like “Kentucky Rain” and “Suspicious Minds” are some of his best. If you can recommend some must-listen Elvis Presley songs, I’ll listen to them!

I’ll get a playlist to you. So what was it like to be a “secret member” before BTS’ debut? To be perfectly, perfectly honest, when they said I was a hidden member, I actually thought I’d been cut from the team.

So can you laugh about that now or is it still a little bit traumatic? I can laugh about it now for sure. As long as I can sort of toss around our CEO, our label’s boss, and shake him around a little bit by his cuffs. But yes, I can laugh about it.

I’ve heard you like old movies. What are some of your favorites? I like old movies, but also movies that are classics but not super old. Like for example, The Godfather was a movie that I really enjoyed. And Reservoir Dogs is one of my all-time favorite movies. The Godfather I actually watched recently. A friend of mine had told me, “It’s really long, I fell asleep in the middle of it.” And I thought, “Is it that boring?” And then I watched it and I was really moved by it, especially the charisma of the godfather [Marlon Brando], and all the actors and the direction and the production. And again, his charisma, and his commanding presence during the film.

You did some acting of your own in the TV drama Hwarang. Do you want to do more of that going forward? It’s something that I’m thinking about after I turn 30.

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