#saw someone say its just being done for “inclusivity points” like inclusivity is a bad thing???

[they-them-that]

The fatphobia from MH fans is getting progressively worse with each new plus sized doll. First Draculaura, then Abbey, now Catty. And it's crazy how people think their problem with an entire body type is constructive criticism. Like no hon, you're just being an asshole 🤐

[mastersoftheair]

Sorry but am I the only one that thought that episode…sucked? Like it was straight up bad. Horrible pacing, no wrap up of all the random characters and plot lines they’ve thrown around all season (the tuskegee airmen, Westgates spying, literally all the guys beside like the main 4). (Seriously it makes me so mad that the three redtails got all of 5 seconds of screen time, almost no lines. Literally what was the point of introducing them other than to pretend the show was iNcLuSiVe) Even at the end of BoB and the Pacific you get a much better idea of what happened to all the remaining guys. In this they’re like what happened to DeMarco or Hambone or Brady or (insert character here) we don’t know! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ The concentration camp scene felt shoehorned in compared to how it was done in BoB. Unless that actually happened to Rosie (which i haven’t heard anything about) but it was just like.. ok? It all felt so rushed and emotionless to me. Maybe I’ve just fallen out of love with MoTA but it’s been downhill for me since episode 6 or so.

i already made a little (read: long) post-finale write-up here, where i talk about the use of the tuskegee airmen, l'sandra, and overall editing/pacing issues i felt the show had. but i don't agree with the notion that adding the redtails was in any way insincere or trying to halfass being "iNcLuSiVe", i just think they suffer from this show's obvious time constraints. and to summarize what i wrote in my linked post, there's a limit to what white writers/directors/producers can do when creating a story about black people. there are some stories i'd feel uncomfortable with them telling on their own, truth be told. dee rees wasn't the sole nonwhite director, but she Was the only black one. i think she did her job well given the limitations and i appreciate that they let her direct those episodes, rather than leaving it up to a team of white people trying their best to tell a black story.

the worst i can say about the finale is that it didn't feel like That strong of finale, tho i wouldn't go as far to say it "sucked" or call it "straight up bad". i liked it plenty, it's just the weakest of the hbo war finales imo.

as for the concentration camp scene, artistic license was taken with both shows. unlike what's seen in the BoB, easy company wasn't the first to arrive at kaufering, and there's 0 mention of the all-japanese american 552nd who helped them liberate it). similarly, rosie rosenthal did assist in liberating those camps, though it would've been after the events shown this episode. idk if he saw one in that up-close way seen in this episode, but he could've (i should research this when i have time). plus, it would've felt weird Not having him acknowledge them at all. "shoe-horned" is an odd term to use here imo, as both scenes more-or-less center a jewish character (BoB's liebgott and MotA's rosie). the former show has survivors the characters can help, the latter shows no one left to help. the former has all of easy company there, the latter has rosie there all alone. rosie's scene felt deeply personal in that way. at the end of the day, both scenes are communicating different things. that doesn't make one better than the other when they aren't trying to be identical. (disclaimer, i'm not jewish, so i'd be interesting hearing from the perspective of someone who wrt whether or not they felt it was "shoe-horned")

i can understand if you've disliked the show post-episode 6 (and episode 6 was a very strong episode i'm ngl). eps 7 and 8 were weaker in many ways, even to me, so i get it. everyone's entitled to their own opinion (i'd be a hypocrite saying otherwise). just understand that this blog is run by someone who overall enjoys this show despite its flaws! basically, i encourage you to take this energy and make your own posts.

[dribs-and-drabbles]

Random thoughts on Vice Versa ep 3

We got to see more of Jimmy this ep - much more than ep 1 and much more than we really saw him do in Bad Buddy - and my fears are slightly alleviated about his acting...I think he's improved. He's still a little awkward and (pardon the slight pun) green but seems much more comfortable and natural. Or maybe the character of Puen suits him better than the asshole (affectionate) Wai.

Anyway, I also thought Jimmy and Sea work well together and I'm so glad we have both of them now. They seem comfortable with each other and there doesn't seem to be too much of a imbalance between them. I guess even though Jimmy is older, Sea might have more experience in the industry (whether with training or work) than him and those things balance themselves out...

Speaking of the actors... Neo is just fantastic and I demand him in a lead role now please. I'm adding him to the list of actors who deserve a main role (including but not limited to Poppy, of course).

But on to the actual ep... I thought the dialogue between Puen and Talay at the end of the 'green' intro (outside the association) maybe should have been swapped...it felt like Talay was relinquishing too soon for his earlier desire to go back, especially since I've seen Jimmy talk about his character as not wanting to go back and yet here he did. It was a little confusing...but on my second watch I didn't mind as much.

I thought the "Don't judge the book by its cover" line was a nice little inclusion - basically pointing out that both Puen and Talay are in the wrong 'covers' and their opinions of each other can't be formed by how they look - for them, who they are is only the 'content of the book'. It was also nice that it was said about the pink ice cream...is that what it was?...because it's a little hint for Talay to let go of his dislike of pink and open up to the possibilities it might bring (especially if the 'pink' is representative of Puen).

And I couldn't help to think of @absolutebl when Talay said "strawberries!"

I really loved the not-a-date date that Puen and Talay went on. It just built so well and didn't take itself too seriously. Sometimes some series try too hard to make something like this work...the *nudge nudge wink wink look we're doing boyfriendy things* but this was cute and funny.

I already mentioned in another post that I hoped the 'number 5' hand gesture would return/mean something at some later point...but someone helpfully pointed out that they may already have done it within the ep - using it as small foreshadowing of the pinky-promise Puen and Talay made at the end.

I've seen others mention this but I wonder if we're being set up for an open ending - or if we're being trolled or given a red herring...I hope it's the latter.

And lastly, for the part of my brain that goes feral over cool linguistic things...I wonder when Puen and Talay will go from saying "jer gan" to "fan di na" when they say goodbye to each other...I will squee when they do...actually I'll squee when Talay says it first.

[cowboy-canoodler]

Can’t Teach The Mad Dog New Tricks, Chapter 1 (Majima Goro x GN! Reader) SMUT

This work is for 18+ readers only, minors DNI ! ! !

You’re the captain to The Majima Family of The Tojo Clan of Kamurocho, a diligent worker who balances out Majima’s own brand of crazy.

You trust him and he trusts you, but does that trust go deeper?

Are there feelings you previously hadn’t thought about?

And just how far are both of you willing to go so the other may survive?

Tags: TW: Blood, knives, stab wounds, bullet wounds, doctors, fighting, smoking, “c-word use” Slow Burn, Angst, Fluff, Smut, blowjob (giving), dry humping, whining, bottom Majima, praise kink, edging, throat fucking, almoat public fingering/handjob, possessive sex, dirty talking, private fingering/anal fingering

Notes:

“Seiko” is a nickname for the reader, not an OC or a specific gender, it’s a moniker like Hawke or Shepherd in their respective games.

Set during the year off in Yakuza 3-4

Also:

When the reader is having sexual things done to them I have included separate vagina and penis versions just read the one that accommodates you. Chest and body descriptions are left gender neutral; it's only genitalia that’s different. If you’re unfamiliar with the way I write I try my best to be as inclusive as I can for the reader. This includes writing separate paragraphs for each genitalia (penis and vagina) while also including non-descript hair, skin, chest, and body sizes. If you feel that I haven’t done a very good job at that in particular parts of this fic please let me know and I will alter it to the best of my ability.Slowly working on this while balancing life.

Also this chapter has no smut but the rest of the work does

“We all know what you and Majima-san get up to you behind the closed doors” the lieutenant of a small family said out loud as you collectively waited patiently for the officers meeting to be finished.

You were there with a calm, level headed, expression. Your eyes fixed on the painting on the other side of the hallway as you stood by for Majima to either be told to leave or for him to walk out on his own terms when it got too boring.

“It’s no wonder a newbie was able to be promoted so quickly in their family,” another snide comment from a different lieutenant, once again from a smaller family but a family that was getting too big for its britches, “sleep with the patriarch and you’re sure to move up in the world.” A couple of them laughed as you took a deep breath in, your calm composure falling ever so slightly as a sensitive topic was touched upon.

It was true that you had moved up quickly within the ranks of The Majima family but you hadn’t gotten to where you are now by sleeping with Majima himself. He had always seen how diligently you had worked, sticking to The Yakuza ideals and always keeping a level head when doing your work. Right now, however, you did not have to work, there was no reason to keep these low-level lieutenants happy with you, or the family you belonged to, as you thought of that your hand slowly slipped into the back of your suit and grasped the dagger that was tucked away, ‘always for safe keeping’ Majima would say to you. This, however, did not mean to keep it safe, but to keep you safe, always.

“Gotta admit” the one who had spoken up first walked towards you, a cocky smirk on his face as he strode towards where you were patiently stood, hidden dagger in hand. “Someone who’s so good at keeping level headed does suit Majima-san the most, like that Nishida guy, gotta keep someone calm to balance out the craaaazyyy” his last few words had been drawn out in a mocking manner, a hand raised to his right temple and jokingly twirling in the air to represent his words.

As the other men laughed you pulled out your dagger, grabbed his hand, and turned the tides, pinning his face down against the wall where you had previously stood while twisting his arm and pressing the dagger against his neck. “Mock me all you like,” you whispered into his ear as the other men gasped, “but mock Majima-sama and we have serious problems,” you pushed the dagger further into his skin, a slither of blood dripping down the blade as he swallowed his pride, along with his saliva, “I don’t think your family would survive against ours, would they?” Your tone was one of feigned ignorance, calm and inquisitive as you asked the quivering coward simple questions. “Perhaps you should think before picking a fight with someone you can’t handle, particularly me and Majima-sama, hm?”

Before your victim could reply the door swung open and Majima came into view, his brow furrowed and an angry glare emanating from his good eye. Immediately you stood back, placed your hands firmly at your sides and bowed to greet him.

“Sir! I wasn’t-“

“It’s nothing Seiko-kun, musta deserved it. What’d he do?” A small grin made its way to Majima’s lips as he admired your devotion, he knew you only got that way when someone had insulted him, or the family, personally.

“Nothing that concerns you, Majima-sama , believe me-“ you glared over at the guy and held up your dagger to him once more, “it’s not worth your precious time” you placed the dagger back into its sheath and hid it behind your back once more

“No sir!” The lieutenants bowed as an apology before Majima shrugged and began walking down the hall.

“If ya say so, let’s go Seiko-kun” Majima began walking away and you followed closely behind, your eyes upfront and calm as you made your way out of Tojo HQ and into the car, you in the driver's seat and Majima behind.

A couple of minutes had passed in silence, both of you enjoying the calm of each other's company as you focused on the road and Majima focused on you. His eye bore a hole into the back of your head and you saw it every time you checked behind the car in the mirror, but you chose to say nothing. He was obviously in a bad mood from the meeting, him escaping partway through with a scowl was enough to tell you that, but usually there was chatter in the car as you rode back to the office.

“So what happened?” Majima broke the silence after a couple minutes of staring out of the window, he must have grown bored with the passing cars.

“They said things I didn’t agree with”

“Like?"

“Do you really need to know?”

“Now,” Majima tutted as a smile made its way back to his face, a finger pointed up and waving side to side, “is that any way to treat your boss?”

“Tch-“ you looked back in the mirror and saw his smirk before moving your eyes back to the road, you hated how he knew your weaknesses, “they said we were sleeping together, and that was the only reason I had been so successful, and so quick, with my promotions in the family”

“Ohh, no wonder you were so harsh on ‘em, I woulda been, too” Majima leaned back and looked out of the window as he crossed his leg, his right ankle on his left knee and his lightly hands resting on the inner of his thighs. “Having your achievements pinned on something you didn’t do that woulda been a lot easier, sure as shit ain’t nice to hear- ah- I didn’t mean it like that-“

Knowing Majima had your back always brought a smile to your, usually calm, face. A small display of emotion that was usually kept hidden, on show just for him. “I know what you mean, don’t worry about it, to be honest, I would have slept with you if I could but you were always so damn busy”

“Oh? You woulda?” Majima’s gaunt cheeks reddened a little as he looked over at you, smirking and staring at him in the mirror, “oh- you’re joking” he rolled his eyes and sighed looking back to the window at the passing cars.

“You got really happy at that Majima-sama, something you wanna tell me?”

“Eat shit”

You sat there staring at each other through the mirror as the car sat at a red light before bursting into fits of laughter

The light turned green and you drove off towards the office once again, the last few minutes sat in a happy silence between you both, appreciating the content atmosphere you had cultivated with Majima. Your eyes often wandered back to the mirror to watch him in his small and comfortable world, one of the few places he could let his guard down a little before heading back into his role as Patriarch and Senpai to the family, plus his jacket did nothing to cover himself and you did so enjoy watching him breathe.

“We're here, sir” you said before stepping out of the car and opening his door for him, once more bowing as he exited.

“Thanks Seiko-kun” Majima smiled at you before walking to the doors, hands in pockets and his guard back up once more in the characteristic sway of his hips. You stood and watched him walk away amongst his family members who were all bowed with their head low to greet their patriarch, and you. Another member ran up to you and bowed as you stood aside to let him take over the car and park it in The Family’s usual spot.

The feeling of walking amongst your peers as their captain was still a strange one, while you had filled in the role easily and commanded their respect it was still very alien to you being their commander. Listening to the shallow breathing of the men at your side as you walked past calm and collected, sticking to the Yakuza code and showing them the amount of respect you were supposed to, was rough and something you had never fully agreed with. These men were willing to die for Majima and the family, the same way you would, and probably will, and not being able to show all of them what that means to both you and Majima was insulting. A code that doesn’t value the people who uphold it, not just the top brass who are in charge but those grunts who do the hard work, is a code that will die. It was inevitable.

As you came to the doors you looked back at the men, still bowing low and waiting for you to enter the building, and then down at the pin on your lapel. A familiar, warm feeling spread through your chest as you felt the comfort of your found family before turning back around and proceeding into the offices.

Majima usually took time to himself after a meeting he didn't agree with, usually they were asking him to do something he didn’t wish to do or demanding The Majima family lay their lives down for some bullshit cause. Everytime a Patriarch dies, or a family has to disband Majima, more often than not, would get up to 200 hundred new recruits into his own, making it the biggest of The Tojo Clan so he’s always asked to lay down his men's lives for the sake of Daigo or the greater good. It’s really one of his biggest peeves about being tied down into the Tojo Clan, while he was, ultimately, in charge of his family he had to obey Daigo’s orders no matter what. Yakuza code to uphold and all, and Majima always upholds his moral codes even at the cost of his dignity, freedom, or life.

-

A couple of hours passed and you had kept yourself occupied looking over paperwork concerning the finances of The Family, sorting out spending, repair work for damages made to Majima family turf, and collection payments from said turf. This was the work that you liked, the filing and organisation of it all, keeping things behind the scenes running smoothly. It was what you were good at, the best in the family if your title was anything to go by, and you often felt proud of the work you did, and how little you made mistakes.

Of course there were others who handled the wages and every day frivolities, you were there to check any major problems or spare work whenever you had a moment to breathe away from Majima… but you hadn’t heard from him, not a hair or even a whisper of what he was doing right now.

“Hmm...” you hummed, quietly putting your documents down and looking out of the window, “he’s been too quiet tonight… maybe I should check in on him” the statement seemed to be questioning but you had already placed your documents into the drawer before speedily heading to the door.

The halls of Millennium Tower were always so quiet, the slightest cough or sneeze ringing and echoing through the walls of your floor. Just like the footsteps you were making that erupted through the desolate silence. As you walked down you nodded to the guards, men were stationed at each door, 2 at yours and Majima’s, and 1 at the lieutenants along with their respective groupies inside the rooms when needed.

Your footsteps continued to echo through the halls as you passed various doors, the guards bowing in respect as menial mumbling chatter rang through the cracks of each room until you came to Majima’s corridor, you walked up and signalled his men to move further down the hall. Still on guard but with a little more privacy. You took a moment to yourself before knocking lightly and waiting for a response.

“Who‘s banging at my door this fuckin’ late?”

“It’s Seiko, sir”

“Oh… justa sec-“

A pause before you heard something heavy drop behind the door and Majima exclaiming painfully.

“Majima-sama? Are you okay?” More groans of pain made your heart quicken in worry, the beating echoing into your ears overpowered your, usually, calm composure, “I’m coming in!” Hastily you opened the door and saw Majima sat on his couch clutching his foot, and a bowling ball on the floor slowly rolling towards you.

“Ah,” you chuckled to yourself, “I think I see what happened”

“Just tryna have a happy memory and it’s gotta do that shit to me?!” Majima sighed and leaned back, legs apart and knees spread wide with his arms stretched out along the back of the seat. You smiled and closed the door behind you before picking up the ball and walking over to him, bowing for respect, and placing the ball back into the open bag on the coffee table, his eye following you every step of the way.

“Are you hurt Majima-san?”

“Naw- well... my pride maybe? Having you see me like this sure is a kick in the dick” he rolled his eye and looked away from you, sending his pout out of the window.

“Better than an actual kick in the dick though, right?” His response was nothing more than a click of his tongue and a sigh as he rolled his head, and his eye, back, “I hadn’t heard from you tonight so I thought I’d check in. After today’s meeting you seemed preoccupied, maybe even a little stressed-“

“I ain’t stressed Seiko-kun” his tone was short and guarded as he raised his head to meet your gaze.

“With all due respect Majima-sama, you are. I know you very well, better than most, and I know something happened in that meeting today” you sighed at his silence and sat in an adjacent chair, placing your chin on your fist and staring at him with bored eyes. He looked at you and scowled before averting his eye back to the window, but you continued to stare and crossed your legs.

“Tch- it’s just- it’s shit The Chairman’s got me doing, now that he’s healed and able to lead again, plus losing Mine and shit, everything’s just gone to fuck and I’m the one who has to put it together again”

You could see how annoyed it made him to be tied down like this, he just wants to do his own thing with people he trusts surrounding him but every time something happened in The Clan Majima was usually the one who had to clean up the mess and with every mess he got tied down even more.

“Unfortunately, this isn’t like in 2006 when you were able to just break away and start on Kamurocho Hills… although-“ he looked back over to you, eye soft and pleading behind his dagger-like glare, “-technically there’s not much stopping you from doing the same right now, if that’s what you choose to do, sir”

“Nothing but a promise”

“To whom?”

“Kiryu Kazama"

You both sat in silence for a moment, the muffled sounds of Kamurocho below echoing into the dimly lit room. The silence was suffocating, unsaid feelings and context ripping the two of you apart before you gathered the courage to break it.

“I see, you do hate breaking promises, sir"

“You really do think you know me don’t you Seiko-chan? Huh?!” Majima stood up and balled up his fists, the soft squelch of leather rubbing against itself filling the angry atmosphere. You sat there and stared at him silently, your eyes telling him you weren’t buying this façade he was putting up. “Ain’t nothing worse n’ a guy who can’t even keep his word. It’s too much that we let Yakuza get this fuckin’ soft all this time, only caring about makin’ money and being on top. Ain't shit without the strength to back it up.”

Majima turned around and sighed before walking over to the window, he placed his elbow above his head and stared down at Kamurocho like a lion watching and guarding over his pride.

“Is this about Makoto Tateyama-san?”

Once again, silence.

You could hear Majima’s breathing getting heavier as he thought about how he wanted to approach this with you and you sat there ready to take it all, he needed to get his emotions out and into the open. Carrying a torch for someone for 21 years wasn’t exactly healthy and the only way Majima knew how to take his mind from it was filling his days with menial tasks, or finding people to fight to prove to himself

“It’s been 4 years since she left the country with her family” you could see Majima’s fist tightening and the scowl on his face getting even angrier as he continued to stare out of the window.

His voice was low, almost a growl, and nothing like his usual scratchy tone “you should know when to shut up and to keep her name outta your mouth”

“I can tell you how she’s doing if you wish, I have people checking on her and her family often to make sure she’s safe”

Majima’s breath hitched in his throat and he looked over to you, his eyebrows still knitted together but now in a combined look of anger, curiosity, and affection. “Why? I never ask’d ya to do that, how’d ya even know?!” He took a step towards you, his arm falling down to his hip and hands still balled into fists. You stood up and clasped your hands behind your back keeping eye contact with him.

“When I joined the family I had my sights fixed on becoming your captain as fast as I could so I dug into your past. The things that happened with Shimano-san and Saejima-san, Yuki-chan and Makoto-san.” He stopped and stared at you, eye wide with awe and mouth slightly agape along with his still knitted brow, “I’ve made it my goal to make sure no loose ends come and bite you in the ass in the future, and that the people you care about are taken care of no matter what. I had hoped to keep your mind at ease.”

“At ease?” Majima’s voice was barely a whisper, the words only just crawling their way to your ears as you stood your ground. “Finding out one of the only people I trust is going behind my back to get info on me, that’s supposed’ta put my mind at ease? Huh?!” Majima’s voice rolled into a roar as he took a step towards you, the anger radiating off of him and his mad eye shaking around as he bore a hole into your skull with glare alone.

“Yes.”

Your reply was short and abrupt, the final tipping point before Majima ran towards you and grabbed your collar pushing you back into the wall. You both grunted at the impact as books fell off of his shelves. Your hands came up and gripped his arms in a futile effort to keep him at bay, there was no way you’d be able to take The Mad Dog in any kind of fight, not that you’d want to but you had to try to calm him down somehow.

“The fuck you think you are?! Huh?!”

“The one person who’s always on your side no matter what Majima-san!” He didn’t budge, “I didn’t do it for blackmail or for any kind of leverage, if I wanted that I wouldn’t have worked so fucking hard to get to where I am now. Here! Right by your fucking side where I plan to stay!”

Tears blinded your vision as you poured your heart out to him, the things you admire most about Majima flashing through your mind as his grip on your collar loosened.

The way he never backed down from fights.

His loyalty to the people close to him, especially his family.

The promises he never breaks no matter how hard it is to get to the result.

How hard he fights when he lets loose, especially when he fights Kiryu.

His smile.

His laugh.

His nose.

His lips.

Him…

“Sei- no… (Y/N)-kun…” him saying your name made your heart skip a beat and the breath in your lungs disappear. His hands lay on your chest, slightly smoothing down the fabric of your creased shirt and he averted his gaze, almost sheepishly, as he realised what he had done.

“Unless you throw me out yourself I don’t ever plan on leaving you, Majima-san. Not for all the Yen in Japan, not even to start my own family-“

“You’d be a great patriarch, y’know”

You smiled and lightly sighed, “not nearly as great as you.”

A small gasp made it’s way past his lips once more before his gaze made its way back to your own, eye slightly watering as you studied him making sure to remember every little detail you could. Only now could you feel how close he had gotten, Majima’s breath a small breeze upon your lips, both of you breathing in eachothers air.

All the blood in your body became intimately known to you as well as where it was rushing to. The heat rising in your cheeks and the small, rushed, beating of your heart echoing into your eardrums.

Majimas voice was barely above a whisper as he leaned his head forward, eye now focused solely on his gloved hand smoothing down your shirt. “Seiko I…” he let out a breathy sigh before a small smile made its way into his lips, Kansai accent slipping from his words, “I haven’t felt this comfortable alone with someone in years, I don’t even know how I’m supposed to feel… not anymore”

“I know” you were in no position to give him advice about how to feel when your own emotions were hardly ever in check, “I’ll be here whenever you need to feel comfortable. No matter how far away I am, even if another family has me locked up. I’ll fight my way to you with every fibre of my being, nothing will keep me from you Majima. Our world has no enemy I won’t kill to make my way back to you.”

He leaned his head down slightly, eye closing as he became more and more vulnerable the closer he got to you, and you felt the same about him. Your breath became shakier as your heart continued to beat out of turn, you leaned your head forward and pressed your forehead against his, feeling how hot his body was, your noses barely touching and your hand resting on his bicep.

Kamurocho stopped in those few seconds, no sounds, no lights, no traffic, just the two of you alone on this earth.

Majima was the first to move, his hand creeping up to the side of your neck and his head tilting to the right as he brought your lips closer together, your breath trapped in your lungs as you anticipated his lips upon yours. Your eyes had been focused on anything but his gaze until now, you looked up and he had already been studying you. Just as your lips were about to touch there was a knock at the door, both of you jumped and parted before someone walked in and bowed, looking like he had bad news.

“Sir, I’m sorry to interrupt but there’s a phone call from The Chairman, he says it’s urgent”

Majima sighed and turned away from you, the lingering heat from his hand on your chest slowly fading away as you averted your gaze. All of the trapped air in your lungs made its way out and you stood there out of breath and embarrassed.

“You should get that! I’ll leave you alone. Thank you for seeing me Majima-sama, have a good night.” You bowed and Majima opened his mouth to protest but before he could you quickly made your way out of the door and down the hall to the elevator, face red and still short of breath.

Once the elevator doors closed, and you were alone, everything hit you and you couldn’t stop yourself falling onto the wall for support, the cool metal of the lift. All breath left your lungs as the emotions took over, arms wrapping around yourself and eyes fixed on the floor as you tried everything you could to calm down the thoughts in your head and the thoughts in your heart.

You remained that way until the elevator came to the floor of your office. You stepped out, having regained your calm persona, and walked down the halls with your hands firmly by your side, the right one almost burning as you remembered the feeling of Majima’s bicep in your grip. Your chest aflame with his handprint as you continued trying to keep your composure, determined not to let any of The Family see you like this.

You spent the remainder of your night awake and alone in your office, laying down on your couch with a pillow for company and the Kamurocho sounds, and rain, for ambience. Each thought was of him, how close the two of you had gotten, and how much closer you were about to get before you were interrupted.

[soul-dwelling]

Have you heard something about Ohkubo being racist? I saw some twitter links, which due to personal reasons I cant check for myself, but otherwise couldnt find anything on.

Shared September 18, 2021

I've sat on this question for a long time, and yet my answer will still be incomplete. As I am white, I want to be aware of the white privilege I have, and I anticipate I am going to give a response that fails to address certain topics and concerns--and is just going to be flat-out wrong in a lot of parts. I anticipate I will get things wrong below, I don't like that, but I want to be open to reading more and figuring out what I'm getting wrong so I can fix what I get wrong. And I want to learn from any responses I receive--so I encourage any responses, and I will read and consider them.

At the time when I received this question, I was not aware of any Twitter links regarding accusations of Ohkubo being racist. Despite being a huge fan of Soul Eater, this was something I was unaware of, and I was purposefully ignoring--because I was ignoring any discourse around Fire Force, not around Ohkubo or Soul Eater in general. While I have followed what Soul Eater stuff is out there, I have purposefully avoided a lot of Fire Force content since the anime was announced--including muting any Fire Force stuff on Twitter. While I do not regret avoiding Fire Force stuff (there is only so much annoyance I can take from that franchise), I do regret overlooking this discussion around racism in Ohkubo’s works, I regret that, and I apologize for overlooking it right now--and in the past.

Because I have overlooked racist elements in Ohkubo’s prior works, including in Soul Eater, including on this very blog. I don’t think apologizing is enough, and I am determining what steps I can take to handle this better--and that starts with acknowledging the racist elements in his works. I think some have unfortunate implications that need to be debated.

For example, one Twitter remark I read asked why the South American meister had to be Enrique instead of a human. (And, I anticipate, how that leads to its own set of unfortunate implications, associating being from South America to being a monkey, regardless Tezca, his visual conceit, and his powers being derived from, not South American cultures only or exactly, but from Aztec and indigenous Mexican cultures.) I don’t think adding Enrique as a meister is bad, when the joke works; I think adding Enrique, and not more South American human characters, is a problem, and when your one South American meister is a non-human animal, when no other meister in the series, especially of a Death Scythe, has been a non-human animal, this is going to stick out and be offensive. I have seen and written stories with animals as meisters to weapon partners; it is a great idea, having Enrique be that character is great, but it is a missed opportunity that erases a spot where a person of South American could have been. Having Tezca as one such South American person helps, but again, this is a missed opportunity.

As an aside, this also opens up unfortunate implications to having Black Star being mistaken by Liz as a monkey, given headcanon I’ve seen from fans about Black Star’s identity with regard to Japanese ethnicities and the fact that Black Star does have dark skin.

And another set of Twitter remarks focused on the stylized designs to the band playing at the DWMA Anniversary Party (and here). Regardless whether stylization was used on white characters in that scene, the stylization on the Black characters who were performing in the band is drawing upon a history of racist images (the lips on drummer and cellist) and is racist. I’ll get to this later, but I agree with this remark that it’s bizarre that Ohkubo did this despite what he has done well with inclusiveness amongst his cast. And like I’ll also say later, it’s like me sitting here thinking “How could he do so well at writing a girl lead like Maka in an action series, then fail so badly writing Tamaki in his follow-up series?” My pathetic answer is that no creator is perfect, they make mistakes--and it becomes infuriating when they screw up so badly and don’t seem to learn from that screw-up, don’t show regret, don’t fix what they broke, and don’t improve. I’ve ranted enough here on this blog that I don’t think Ohkubo has grown with his audience: I think he keeps making the same immature mistakes (immature in terms of his craft, immature as well in terms of his humor).

And since I did bring up the monkey remarks about Enrique and Black Star, there are the major sets of discourse around racism in Ohkubo’s works, that being Maka referring to Sid, who is Black, as a gorilla (not to mention “thuggish”), and Shinra in Fire Force referring to Charon, who has dark skin, as a gorilla.

Regardless the excuses made (“racism in Japan is not the same as racism elsewhere”--which, no, fuck that, people globally including in Japan know the racist associations made where being Black or brown is associated by racists with non-human primates), I don’t get why no one, from Ohkubo to his editors to distributors to audiences including me, do not say more about this racist detail.

And I don’t get why no editor or localization staff bothered to change it. I have not sat through the Fire Force dub, but I hope someone working at localization changed the line. (It’s one thing to change a subtitled line and avoid something offensive at the cost of accuracy in translation, including accurately translating content even when it’s awful, or else you’re just covering up for the awfulness in the original work. But it’s another thing to not revise the line for dubbing, when you should have more flexibility in that kind of adaptation.)

(And that’s not getting into casting white actors as Black characters in the Soul Eater dub, but I hope I can address that another time with more depth should Soul Eater ever get a continuation or a re-dub...which, given how enough of the original dub cast have fucked over their careers and revealed their abusiveness and toxic bullshit in their personal lives, either a new anime or a new dub sounds good right about now.)

The responses to this criticism have been to rightly point out that Ohkubo does include numerous varied portrayals of Black characters (also here and here and here), drawing upon Black identities from the United States and Africa, especially for characters like Kilik and Ogun. But, me personally, pointing out what is done well does not negate what is done badly. (And yes, just because I think Maka Albarn is a great representation of a girl character in shonen doesn’t negate how Ohkubo fucked up with Chapter 113 and all of Tamaki in Fire Force).

As a creator, you’re supposed to fix what you did wrong, you don’t distract from what you did wrong by doing something else well later. You fix the character in front of you, not only make new characters and let that distract the audience from what you did wrong. You fix Sid (which, for me, means some potential adjustments to character design and not calling him a freaking gorilla); you don’t distract by creating Kilik and Ogun. You fix Tamaki (give her more to do, don’t make every joke around fanservice, stop fucking sexualizing a 17-year-old); you don’t distract by pointing to Maka or Maki. That’d be like me excusing something I did wrong in one set of responsibilities by asking you to look at something good I did: that doesn’t fix what I did wrong by mistake. Asking people to “leave the medium” is not helping: this is a debate, you get to watch something, you get to decide for yourself whether you think something is racist or misread, I’m not up for gatekeeping people to block them from either criticizing something or enjoying something.

And while your enjoyment of something can reflect on your values (if you keep liking jokes calling Sid a gorilla, what does that say about you?), I said “can,” not “does,” it is by context and debate (you can enjoy slasher movies without being a serial killer, etc).

I wish I had something more meaningful to say, and I don’t like that I don’t. I want to be a better ally, but just being aware that there are racist elements to this series, and just stating awareness, is not sufficient for me. It’s one reason why my focus is on uplifting fan content that does far better at handling inclusiveness and representation in this series. But my focus has been on representations of gender in the series--and that is my fault for not doing more to focus on representations of race and ethnicity, and I wish my apology would be enough, and it’s not, so I’m trying to figure out what I can do that is better. I will read feedback to do better.

[dream-a-little-bigger-x]

Drawings on Ice (Part One) | Charlie Gillespie

Requested by anonymous:  I’d love for you to write a Charlie hockey fic. I’ve been hearing that heard a great hockey player so I need that in my life

A/N: this is going to be a two-parter! Hope this is what you imagined! 

Summary: You moved from the US to Canada, starting over at a new college. Your newest (and only) friend begs you to join her at her boyfriend’s hockey practice where you see Charlie for the first time. With his beautiful eyes and perfect smile and perfect facial structure, you become obsessed with drawing him. It’s been a habit of yours to draw anyone you saw with interesting bone structure. Though your friend warns you about the jock bad boy, you can’t help but be intrigued by him... 

Pairing: Charlie Gillespie x Gender Neutral!Reader

A/N: I hope I made this as gender neutral as possible! Let me know if there’s anything I need to change to make it even more inclusive for non-binary/gender fluid people. 

Words: 3,648

Warnings: Some curse words (bitch, fuckboy)

You’ve never been a fan of any type of sports. Your siblings used to play basketball and you had to go to their games, though you were always busy sketching in your sketchbook to really notice or learn anything about it. Then, you suddenly had to move for your mother’s job. To Canada, of all places. Canada, the land of maple syrup, brutally cold winters… and hockey. The only good thing about moving thus far, was meeting Andrea. Andrea is a preppy, happy-go-lucky kind of girl, and was the first one to talk to you on your first day at your new college. Always dressed in pink or purple, make-up done flawlessly and always so kind, you think she’s being fake. Normally, people like that scared you. Kids like that in your American High School were always the popular ones that bullied the antisocial nerds, which included you at that point. That’s why you’d avoided talking to anyone on your first day. Only Andrea was persistent. You could not for the life of you shake her off. 

So, instead of trying any longer, you embraced it and became friends with her fast. Thanks to her, you found your way through the buildings and all the classes. She even gave you tips on some of the professors you had. 

To be fair, Andrea did help you out a lot, so when she asked you to come along to her new boyfriend’s hockey practice, you had no other choice but go. You’d packed your sketchbook though, just in case you got bored. “So, which one is yours?” you ask Andrea when you sit down in the bleachers with her. “Number eight!” she says, pointing to one of the players skating in circles. He catches his girlfriend pointing at him and gives her a wave, which makes Andrea giggle. The boy with the number 10 plastered on his back, turns upon seeing his buddy wave to the bleachers. You catch his eyes and feel a shiver run down your spine. Even from afar, you can tell those are the most beautiful and enchanting eyes you ever did see. “Who’s number 10?” you ask Andrea without taking your eyes off the boy. Without even noticing, you start to trace his features on your leg with your finger, a habit you developed over the years. His chiseled cheekbones, his fine nose, the wrinkles by his mouth as he smiles up at her. “Charlie. Sam’s best friend,” Andrea explains while you try your hardest not to stare at the cute hockey player while you’re tracing him. “Wouldn’t get too close though, I heard he has a reputation of being a heartbreaker.” Of course. All cute boys have to be absolute disappointments.  Despite Andrea’s warning, you couldn’t help but think about Charlie every minute of the day. It was the smile and the eyes that haunted you through every lecture and every study-session with Andrea in the library. You traced his features on your empty papers on automatic pilot, not even realizing you were doing it until you were actually drawing him with a ballpoint pen. “Honey, no!” Andrea says sternly. The two of you are at the library, studying for midterms when the drawing on your notes starts to take shape. The shape of a certain hockey player. “I can’t help it, Andi! He’s in my mind and I just -- my brain just tells me to draw things and he’s been the only thing on my mind lately, I… I don’t know why or what it is, but I’m kind of drawn to him?” The girl in front of you shakes her head disappointedly. “Look at him!” she whisper-shouts, nodding her head to somewhere behind you. You slowly turn your head to find Charlie with one leg up on a chair, leaning his elbow on it as he’s flirting with a girl. “That’s number five this week… And it’s Tuesday.” You can’t help but stare at him though. His profile is impeccable. Before you know it, you’re back to tracing his features on your leg. “Y/N!” Andrea shouts in a hushed tone, capturing your attention again, ruining your entire mental picture of Charlie. “You ought to stop that, sweetie. I don’t want you getting hurt.” “Oh, I don’t get hurt, Andi,” you reply with a smirk, turning to face her again, “Being the antisocial kid in high school has its perks.” Andrea’s eyes widen at something behind you. “Time to prove it then,” she mutters. You quickly hide your drawing underneath your textbook and pretend to continue studying as Charlie approaches your table. “Hello, ladies,” he greets with a charming smile. Though on the inside you’re just about melting, your tough exterior doesn’t give it away. “I don’t think we’ve met.” He reaches a hand out to you. “I’m Charlie.” You glance up from your textbook, let your eyes dart from his hand to his face and turn back to your textbook. “Okay…” he mutters, feeling a little defeated by his first rejection. “We’re studying, Charlie. Can we help you with anything?” He glances over at you for a split second as he thinks about it. 

“Uhm, yeah. Are you guys coming to the game this weekend?” His flirty demeanor changes all of a sudden to someone less confident. You look up at him, wanting to break your antisocial facade because it never brought you anywhere in High School and won’t bring you anywhere now. “I might. If I don’t have anything better to do, that is.” You decide to run with the sassy-bitch inside you. Charlie actually looks disappointed with this answer. “Okay…” he turns back to Andrea, “You’ll come, right?” She nods her head. “Can you convince her?” You chuckle at his desperate attempt, which earns you a glare from him. “She can make up her own mind, Charlie,” Andrea replies, raising her hands in defense. Gruntled and disappointed, Charlie turns around and leaves the two of you alone. “Girl!” Andrea squeals once he’s out of earshot, and holds up her hand for a high five, which you giddily give. “Told you I could do it,” you shrug with an amused smile on your face. “That was very impressive. Did you see his face when you didn’t even introduce yourself? He was so disappointed his charms didn’t work on you!” she giggles loudly. The librarian shushes her, and she holds up her hands in defense before lapsing into quieter giggles with you. You can’t help but feel bad though. Charlie actually seemed incredibly upset by your lack of interest. It makes you wonder if he actually says who people say he is. On Saturday, you go to the hockey game anyway. There’s nothing else you can do, and besides, it gives you a chance to draw a little more of Charlie in action on the ice. The surprised smile on Charlie’s face is to die for. It makes you feel like you’re the only girl he sees, like he’s not the guy people say he is. You say hello to Andrea and some of her friends you’ve met before, and sit down on the bench, immediately getting your sketchpad and pencil out. You start on Charlie, but halfway through, Andrea asks you to draw Sam too. Deciding it would probably be less suspicious if you drew the entire team, you start on Sam. By halftime, you have about every team member on your page sketched out. None of them quite as detailed as Charlie, but you’ll get to that at some point. “We’re going to say hello to the boys, you coming?” Andrea asks you when you’re shading your drawings. You glance up at Andrea, then glance down at the rink where you find Charlie already looking at you. He cocks his head, beckoning you to come over. For a second then, you’re forgetting all about your antisocial facade and feel yourself heat up. You cough the feeling away and get up after stuffing your sketchpad back into your bag, following Andrea down the steps. “You came,” he states when you reach him on the side of the rink. “Are you always this attentive?” you ask with a hint of sarcasm flavoring your voice. His chuckle fills your ears like a beautiful melody. Why does he do this to you? There honestly are so many boys that could be so much better for you, but instead, you’re crushing on the campus bad boy. “Are you always this hostile?” You’re dumbfounded at his comeback. No one ever called you hostile. Antisocial, sure. A bitch, multiple times. But never hostile. “You weren’t paying a lot of attention to the game though?” he says, changing the subject upon noticing your reaction. “Well, neither have you if you noticed me not paying attention,” you shoot back, an amused smile tugging at your lips. “Touché,” he chuckles. “But seriously, what were you doing?” You open your mouth to say something, but are stuck on what to tell him. Do you lie to him? Or say the truth? “I--I’m an arts student, and I draw pretty much everything I see, so…” His eyes widen at your response, as does his smile. You’re not entirely sure if telling the truth was a good idea. He might just run off, like everyone in High School used to do when you told them you drew them, no matter how good it was. Everyone always thought it was creepy, so you tended to keep all your art to yourself. “Can I see?” he asks just as the ref blows his whistle, signalling the start of the next half. He gives me an apologetic look, thinking of a good compensation. “Stay after the game?” You know you shouldn’t. You know Andrea is probably right and he’s the biggest womanizer walking this earth, but looking into his gorgeous hazel eyes and witnessing his lips curl up into the most beautiful smile, you can’t help but nod your head. His teeth bite down his lip as he skates away, keeping his eyes on you. 

“What was that about?” Andrea asks you when you take your seats again. You let out a deep, confused, yet content sigh. “I have no clue…” For a while, you watch the game -- mostly Charlie -- and witness him making a goal. You, along with all the other supporters of the team, get up from your seats, cheering loudly. Charlie looks up at you, a wide smile plastered on his face as he points to you. Your heart skips a beat, not expecting him to do something like that at all. “Someone has a crush on you…” Andrea whispers in your ear, a teasing smile on her face. “No, he doesn’t! That wasn’t for me…” you try to reassure yourself, but fail miserably. That was for you, and you know it all too well. Another thing you know, is that this probably shouldn’t be quite as heart-melting as it is. “If that’s what you have to tell yourself…” Andrea mutters before turning back to the game. This is not what you thought would happen in your first month of moving to Canada and starting anew at another college. Not at all. 

The game is coming to an end now, and you’re still watching. Yes, you read that correctly. You’re still watching the game. A sports game. You! You never thought you would even last ten minutes watching, but somehow, Charlie made it all the more interesting. After every goal he’s scored, he pointed up at you, making you blush like crazy. You have absolutely no idea what’s happening or why he’s doing what he’s doing. All you know is that you like it. You like the way he makes you feel like a normal person for once in your life. Like you’re important. Like you matter. For once, it doesn’t feel like you’re the weirdo art kid that sits on the sidelines, drawing everything and everyone they see. “We’re going to go for some drinks with the team, want to come?” Andrea asks when the game is over and the players all head to the dressing rooms and the crowd files out of the bleachers. “Oh, uhm… I think I might stay a little while longer, you know? Work on my sketches,” you try your hardest not to smile like an absolute crazy person. Andrea raises her eyebrows at you, giving  you a knowing look. She can just about see right through you. “Just be careful, okay?” she takes you in for a quick hug goodbye and then leaves with her friends. You sit down again and take your sketchpad out of your bag to kill some time while waiting for Charlie. He probably has to shower and change out of his gear and talk to his buddies before coming out to find you. For a while, you just sit and stare at the drawing of all these boys. They’re scattered all over the paper, but only one really captures you, and that’s Charlie. He’s the boy in the center of the page. Somehow, you really managed to bring out his very best features. His sparkling eyes, his chiseled jawline, his sharp cheekbones. On that page in front of you is Charlie. Though the others somewhat look about right, Charlie really takes the crown in this picture. It’s almost like you’ve studied him so well, that you drew him this perfectly. Which is only half true. All it took was one look and you had him down. All of his features, all of his details. You had it all down from one single look at him. You’ve started adding some more shadows to his face, the world around you vanishing as those eyes stare right back at you. You’re so enthralled, you don’t even notice the real life Charlie walking up to you until his voice reaches your ears. “Hey, sorry if I made you wait long.” Your head snaps up and your eyes widen, almost looking like a deer caught in headlights. He places his bag on the bench in front of you before sitting down next to you. A scent of minty freshness and invigorating citrus meets your nostrils. “Oh, no. Don’t worry about it,” you tell him with a smile, carefully closing your sketchpad and sticking your pencil between the rings at the top. “That was a very good game,” you compliment him, nodding towards the rink to emphasize. “I think… Not really a sports person.” He chuckles at this, glancing down at the floor bashfully. “I guess I found my lucky charm.” The second he looks up at you again and those words tumble out of his mouth, you can feel your stomach do flips. To cover the way it actually makes you feel, you roll your eyes, smiling amusedly. “How many people have you said that too, hm?” you ask with raised eyebrows. His smile falters at this, making you realize that it might not be something he likes to hear. The same way you don’t like hearing you’re a creep or a stalker for drawing pictures of people. “I don’t know what people have said about me to you, but I really am not what they peg me for.” His voice is soft, and for the first time since meeting him, he sounds fragile. “You sleep with two different people in one week, and they have you pinned down as the campus’ man-whore.” You give him a sympathetic smile, even though he’s not even looking at you. “I’m not actually this guy that sleeps around, you know? Sure, I flirt with a lot of people, but if your reputation precedes you, well…” he trails off at the end, and then finally looks up at you. “I know how you feel…” you start carefully, which captures his undivided attention. “There was this girl in high school and she had the most beautiful features, you know? Sharp jawline, the deepest dimples in her cheeks when she smiled… I couldn’t help but keep drawing her. She just took so well on paper, and when I showed her, she called me a stalker and a creep. From then on out, I became the stalker creep from Valley High.” You roll your eyes at the memory of Kiara and everyone else at that school. “So, I have a reputation that precedes me too…” “It’s nice to know I’m not alone,” Charlie says with a light-hearted chuckle. “Could I… Could I look at your work?” he carefully asks, pointing at the pad in your lap. You wrapped your fingers around the leatherbound sketchbook, debating it. “Promise you won’t run when you see what’s in here?” You offer it to him, and he grabs it, but you’re holding it so tightly, he can’t take it. He raises an eyebrow at you. “What? It’s not like you drew me or anything, did you?” he jokes, to which you just press your lips together in a thin line. His expression softens in realization. “Oh…” You stare at him for a moment, both of you holding onto the pad. “I promise I won’t run, okay?” You slowly let go of the pad. He places it on his lap and starts flipping through pages. The first few drawings are random kids from campus, either studying in the library or reading a book underneath the big maple tree. Then follow Andrea’s drawings. She suggested being your model, she said you could ask her any time you wanted. After that, Charlie’s sketches follow. The first few are of him during practice with his helmet on. On the next page, are the ones you drew in the library. Some profile, some portrait. He then flicks to the one of all the players, and shuts it after finding empty pages after that. It’s silent for a moment, like he’s taking it all in. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have shown you that,” you quickly say and reach for your book, but Charlie has a steady grip on it. He finally looks up at you, a shocked expression on his face. “No. No, it’s just… I wish I knew the name of the artist that captured me so realistically on paper.” You swallow a lump in your throat as his hazel eyes bore deep down into your soul. “Uhm… Y/N,” you introduce yourself shyly. “I just have a habit of drawing people with really nice facial structure, I guess…” you add with a nervous chuckle, staring down at your fingers as they play around with the bracelets around your wrists. “Huh…” You look up at that, wondering if it’s a weirded-out ‘huh’ or something else. “What?” It comes out in an unwanted whisper. “No one’s ever given me a compliment about my facial structure,” he smiles down at you. It’s the most overwhelming feeling of warmth radiating through your body from that one smile. “It’s true though! If you check that last page of the whole team, the others don’t really have that sharp a jaw or chiseled cheekbones like you,” you state, pointing at the sketchpad. He opens it on that page and watches it for a couple seconds. “This makes me feel like the prettiest boy on the team.” He closes it again and hands it over to you, looking straight into your eyes again. You swear you’re going to faint one time if he keeps on doing that. “You are the prettiest boy on the team, Charlie,” you joke, grinning teasingly whilst clutching the sketchpad against your chest. Charlie chuckles at this, and you swear you can detect a slight blush on his cheeks as he looks down at his feet again. “You want to get out of here?” he then asks, “We could go to the coffee shop across the street to warm up? Get that little nose of yours back to its normal color.” He softly boops your nose, which is no doubtedly red from the cold from the ice rink. You giggle nervously, and then nod your head in agreement. The two of you get up from your seats and grab your bags. Before you even realize it, Charlie has grabbed your freezing hand in his warmer one, and guides you down the bleachers all the way to the café across the street. The warmth engulfs you like a welcome hug as the two of you take a seat in a booth by the window. “What’s your go-to coffee order?” he asks, perusing the menu even though he knows what he wants. You scan the booklet, looking for the one thing you always get.   “A cappuccino with whipped cream,” you reply, pointing at the order on the menu. “Ooh, good choice!” he agrees excitedly, “Would choosing a hot chocolate make me less cool?” You chuckle, “Well, it’s a hot chocolate, it’s bound to make you less cool.” He laughs at your joke, throwing his head back. You can’t help but laugh along, mostly at how adorable he is in a fit of laughter. “Good one, Y/N,” he says. You give your orders to the waitress, and lapse into a conversation about everything and anything. He asks you about your college major, and you ask him all about hockey. The way his eyes light up when he’s talking about the sport he loves, or anything he loves, is endearing. You can’t believe Andrea made you stay away from him for so long. Charlie really isn’t the bad boy jock she had him pegged for. If anything, he’s the opposite. He’s kind and considerate, and incredibly ambitious and passionate about everything he loves. You just want to know everything about him and spend as much time with him as possible. Without even realizing it, you’re tracing his features again on your leg, preparing for yet another drawing of him. Preparing for more adventures with him.

Taglist: @parkeret​​ @lukeys-giggle​ @gingerxarmy​ @lovesanimals​ @lolychu​ @hannahhistorian92​ @marinettepotterandplagg​ @thequirkybookaholic​ @bookdealer5​ @tenaciousperfectionunknown​ @hemmingsness​ @siennanoelle01​

Let me know if you wanna be on my taglist! :)

[cdevroe]

Nyasha Green on the issues within the WordPress community

Nyasha Green recently published a post that covers a few issues she’s seeing within the WordPress community and offers solutions on how to fix those issues.

One issue she calls out is that the community relies on free labor:

Paying people for their labor is simply not what the spirit of the WordPress community stands for, or so I am told. I wanted to take this opportunity to say this in a nice way: The community is not long for this world if its members want to depend on free work, a lack of inclusivity, and echo chambers. I for one will not fight for a spirit if that spirit is spiritually bankrupt.

I am not as closely linked with the WordPress community as I used to be. There was a time where 100% of my income came from using, developing, or selling WordPress solutions. And while I do make some money on WordPress from time-to-time (hello Cypress) my salary does not depend on WordPress.

However, I did get a glimpse of how this is currently going recently. There was an open call to help bring Tumblr into the indieweb on Twitter. Matt Mullenweg, who I know and respect (though, like everyone who has ever lived he isn’t perfect) extended an offer to compensate for the work to be done. I threw my name into the ring because A) I likely have the skills and experience to do this work B) I really like Tumblr C) I really like the Indieweb. But that offer was never followed up on. Matt is likely far too busy. Instead, the work has shifted over to Mastodon and – alas, the work is getting done for free.

I don’t think it is a bad thing that someone is doing the work for free. Not at all. If someone feels strongly enough about something to help out using their time, resources, and skills for free – that is totally their prerogative. But, with Automattic being a company with a valuation in the billions and Tumblr being a currently closed silo (meaning, the source isn’t open yet) and a paid service – it is tough to swallow if someone is doing work for them for free.

I don’t even know if this experience I saw relates directly to what Natasha is pointing out. And perhaps I am just a bit bitter because I wanted to work on this project (but I couldn’t do so for free). Either way, Natasha’s points are valid and should be heard. Be sure to go over and read the rest of her post.

[umbralstars]

Basically an "All you need to know" about how I personally write Byleth/All of my Byleth headcanons. This is probably not everything but it's still long enough I have to put it under the cut.

* His birthday is 26 day of Blue Sea Star Moon 1159

- I know that 20 of Horsebow is probably the canon date but I've always used this one since my first playthrough and keep it cause I find it funny

* Byleth has all kinds of memory issues

* Demi-panromantic & demisexual

*Trans masc (He/Him & They/Them)

- He remembers and has dreams of things that are from when Sothis was alive

- He sometimes has trouble recalling facts about the world he lives in (such as who is currently ruling, his teaching plans or things that he has taught before, sometimes can't recall where he is). He keeps a journal of important things that he saw, learned, needs to know etc

+ Caused by being misaligned with Sothis' soul and her consciousness trying to overtake his own

+ He doesn't lose memories outright and can recall things if given the right direction. Once a memory is solidified as more long term it's much harder for him to forget it

- Sothis' memories can cause bad flashbacks that can take him minutes to get out of

+ Jeralt and the other mercenaries look out for him when episodes happen. They often have him talk about them afterwards if he wants too (ie like Jeralt and Byleth's conversation at the beginning of the game after the dream about Seiros/meeting with Sothis)

+ He can't speak during them and gets very spacey

- Fighting and strategy is instinctual for him so memory issues in those areas are non-existent

- When his soul fuses with Sothis' his memory problems mostly cease. All the memories about his own life are permanently solidified and he can somewhat tell the difference between his memories and Sothis'. He still can be paralyzed by her memories but has a much easier time getting out of dazes

* Has a love for learning about the history and culture of Fodlan and everywhere else

- When he was little Jeralt would often tell him stories and folktales about Fodlan while they were riding across the country side. The pre-month cutscenes during White Clouds are Byleth recalling those stories

- Loves learning about the places outside of Fodlan just as much as learning about Fodlan itself

- His favorite books are about history or folklore

* At a crossroad between trusting people implicitly and keeping others at arm's length

- His life as a mercenary certainly wasn't easy, even though he doesn't resent it, so he tends towards giving others the benefit of the doubt even when he may doubt their intentions. Cautiously trusting if you will. Some people may view him as naive because he's willing to trust off the bat and he's fine with that.

- Does fall in line with mercs not really trusting nobles but he points that more towards the parents currently in power and not the kids he knows

- Goddess help you if you break his trust. Once you break his trust it's very hard to actually get it back unless you give him cause for why it was broken in the first place

* Very protective of the people he cares about

- Death or injury of people he care for has always been his biggest fear. His family has always tried to tell him it's just a fact of life, their life especially, but he would rather fight tooth and nail to keep someone alive then to just let them die

* Really good with children actually

* Takes his job as a teacher very seriously. He knows how rough Fodlan and fighting can be, so wants to impart good lessons in the hopes of making his students' lives easier. He knows that some of them have already seen horrors or have been on battlefields, so he treats each person accordingly

* Has a really bad resting bitch face so people think he's really intense/scary when first meeting him

- He has complicated feelings towards being perceived as "intense" or "terrifying" since on one hand it's very useful when he needs to be perceived that way, but on the other hand he feels like that first impression makes it hard to connect with people afterward

- He doesn't ever go out of his way to make people perceive him differently mostly because it would be a hassle and he's thinks people who really know him would understand he's not like that

* Byleth is actually very introverted and somewhat has social anxiety

- He spent almost his entire life around the same people moving from place to place so introversion aside he's not the most experienced about talking to new people

- He never stops people when they want to talk and doesn't really hate talking to people it's just that he doesn't go out of his way to do it unless he likes talking to someone or it's important

* Jeralt's mercenary company is his family and the people he's closest to until Garreg Mach. The Mercenaries are an elite group of about 13 people of various backgrounds

- All of them are basically his aunts and uncles cause they practically raised him alongside Jeralt. He does call a lot of them Aunt and Uncle as well

- One or two are also like siblings to him cause they joined with their parent or when they were younger (like 15)

- They were the only people able to get close to Byleth or get him to talk for the first week or so after Jeralt's death

- I need to expand on them more cause they're very important to me and him

* Byleth has trouble outwardly expressing emotions and understanding his own. He actually feels very deeply but just has trouble really expressing it. Very monotone and straight to the point when he speaks and only slight shifts in tone tells how he's really feeling. Actually has hyper empathy

- Grew up like this despite Jeralt and the Mercenaries' best efforts. Jeralt was always best as reading him because he acted so much like Sitri

- Caused once again by a misalignment with Sothis' soul

- After his awakening, Byleth has a better ability to express himself, and even took on some of Sothis' characteristics, but he still has trouble explaining or talking about what he's feeling

* Generally very calming to be around for most people. Won't ever force anyone to talk but will talk if you start conversation

* Has done some very questionable work as a mercenary

- He has taken on a few assassinations in the past despite Jeralt's insistence he never get his hands dirty like that. The Remire Medicine Incident is one not spoken of much within the company

- He's dealt with brigands, putting down rebellions, guarding caravans, guarding nobles, helping train the standing armies, etc everything under the sun. Will practically do anything if the pay is right

- He does have standards and expects a full rundown of the job beforehand like his father and the rest of the company though

* Loves cats and dogs

* Actually pretty religious and devout by the time of his awakening

- He wasn't completely raised without knowledge of the Church as some of the mercenaries are religious, but he was agnostic for a good portion of his life

- As he lived at Garreg Mach and learned more about the Church's teachings he grew to appreciate it more and more

- Rhea taught him a lot during his many conversations with her

- As Archbishop he does his best to learn every aspect of the Church and exemplify them best he can. Really emphasizes giving aid to those in need, leans heavily into the "Goddess" aspect of his soul, reforms many aspects whilst keeping the core of the faith

- Personally speaks to Sothis on more of an equal and friend level then true God and devotee

- Does become known as the Holy Saint and Avatar of the Goddess within the Church years after he steps down as Archbishop. Doesn't really know how to feel about it but can't say his inclusion is wrong

* Byleth doesn't have the highest opinion of Edelgard

- As I write AM/VW Byleth he was never close to Edelgard at all during his time at Garreg Mach

- He really only sees her as the person who started the whole continental war (which he despises as he very much dislikes war in its entirety) and the person he believes to at least be complicit in his father's death (do not debate with me how much Edelgard knew Kronya's plan. This is entirely how Byleth views what happened)

- He never wished for her death, but does view her as someone very misguided and only wishes she never went as far as she did

* Very terrified of sleep after waking up post-Time Skip

- Fears falling asleep and loose more parts of his life an leaving everyone behind again

- Prefers to have someone close by who can wake him or being woken up in the morning

- Got into the unhealthy habit of just working himself into exhaustion and having a very irregular sleep schedule until his friends had an intervention to talk about what was going on

[ignitification]

at this point d.ku saving shiggy would just feel hollow. of all these 10 solo d.ku chapters he hasn't had any emotional or mental development/understanding. Like d.ku just isn't where HK's writing shines. Not giving him any tragic backstory may have seemed like good subversion at the start but rn my emotional attachment to his growth/lack of it is just at an all time low. And yass way to make another pro hero look infantile due to MC-armour. Istg as soon as any character interacts with either en.dv or d.ku they take negative infinity in power, potential and likeability. Even the vestiges went down on the likeable scale. Also, these chapters were deserved more by literally any other character.

I'd begin addressing your last point anon, and by saying that while on one hand I agree with you, on the other I really understand that on some level (except physical) these chapters are needed for two reasons. First of all, because BNHA has picked up at ‘intense pace’ which translates into a lot of stuff happening all at once (It took us 285 chapters for Bakugou to admit that he cares about Izuku, and then we got in the span of 20 chapters Touya’s reveal, Mr. Compress face reveal, Mirio is back, BJ is alive, Todoroki’s backstory, Tartarus breakout, the name of the 1st OfA User, Izuku dropping out of UA, Overhaul and Lady N - just to name a few), which consequently means that we are fast approaching the final battle (excluding the Traitor affair, the grounds for the last arc are all already in place) of AfO against Midoriya, which bring me to the second point being Izuku, as also confirmed by himself, would not be able to save Shigaraki and also destroy AfO in the shape he is (or rather was, when leaving the hospital), meaning that he needs an upgrade of his abilities, and he needs it quickly. These chapters, unfortunately, are exactly that: a boring build-up needed in order to show us Izuku’s progress in managing OfA. Therefore, while I do agree that it would be nice to have other characters (from which we haven’t heard from in ages, like Toga and Bakugou), I also sadly understand why exactly we are at a halt in terms of ‘story progress’. And this is mainly due, as you pointed out, to the fact that Izuku is definitely not where HK’s writing shines, not in the slightest. 

Izuku’s main flaw is that he does lack some sort of baseline growth which in his case should translate into less hero worshipping and more concentration into his rightful mission of wanting to change the status quo (by saving the villain). HK planted the seed, and at some point it feels like he forgot to water it, and while still holding the principle (on some level, as we saw in his fight with Muscular), it still feels very superficial for something that should be the main goal and more interesting lapel of the manga? I totally understand how someone would feel dejected when faced with this characterisation, especially if the character in question is the Main Character, the story is ending and he STILL appeals to the only thing which caused the entire problem. 

As for me personally, I am still very much attached to Izuku and the Vestiges (because nowadays they represent an interesting development in the Quirk area, in a scientific and symbolic aspect, which I’d like to be explained and explored more, but let’s be realistic - this is a shounen and fans eat this content like famished lions just because it is content, with no critical thinking whatsoever), but I do admit that sometimes I feel frustrated because my main issue with BNHA is how is actually treats its victims and the way people feel attached to toxic traditions (and in particular Izuku’s attachment to the notions of hero as represented by AM, and his will to copy him in the slightest detail). This is even more evident for Endeavour, who seems a catalysis for bad decisions and just a cluster of condoning actions which would not be accepted if done by anyone else, and a lot of crap justifications about themes like violence and abuse, and the implicit lack of consequences each of these actions have in the manga (because preoccupied with more important things, sure - but I think a line would be enough).

Nonetheless, yeah - Izuku should have shown some kind of advancement (not Quirk-wise), but instead in a way to contrast Gran Torino’s view and the example set by older heroes, but instead we get a team up with those same heroes, with Izuku as a bait (which, very much is a problem for both him because he still disregards himself, and the heroes who accept this condition voluntarily) and now that they get separated and Izuku is fighting the possibly only threat (besides the remaining villain at large - and because I really cannot define Lady Nagant as a villain, more like an anti-hero) and he is still winning? Where is the realisation that maybe, even with his Quirk - what Izuku is missing is actually the experience of the pain and grief of this world, which he should have acquired since he appositely left UA? I would agree that until Izuku reaches a level in which he can admit to himself that heroes are not what this world needs, but instead a more inclusive and less-Quirk based society (and the fun fact here, is that he himself is a victim of that and instead he just lets it happen because he is selfless that way) which does not allow loopholes in terms of bad behaviour and where villains are not villains by default when they spur on a bad action, but instead can be guided on a different path - since no such injustices exist in the first place, it would feel very superficial and forced for him to save Shigaraki. It would be seen as a duty, he is forcing himself to make because he consider himself a hero, instead of the contrary and that he is a hero because he decided to save Shigaraki. I hope this can change in the next few weeks, and a good first step would be to have Izuku being overpowered by Lady Nagant - finally showing Izuku that weaknesses are real and that he is still human, and that there is no concrete rule by which someone could be judged as weak or strong (especially if we talk Quirks), and then finally brought forward to AfO, so we can see how he reacts to a. Overhaul; b. AfO; c. ShigarAfO. 

I do not want to hope too much, but at the same time there are reasons for which I am still holding a candle for that. I hope this helps believing, even a little, that hope for a better narrative is still possible. Thank you for the question and thank you for reading.

[jeremys-blogs]

Lumity: A Well-Made Bond

The Owl House has a lot of good things going for it, and I covered a great deal of those things in my last post about it. But there is one aspect about the show that I've come to enjoy possibly more than anything else, and that's the relationship between its central protagonist, Luz Noceda, and supporting character Amity Blight. And before anyone wonders, no, I'm not going to spend this entire thing just fawning over the two and gushing over how adorable I think they are together. But believe me, I am seriously tempted to do exactly that, because hey, just look at that image above. No, as much as all that stuff is true, I truly like this growing bond between the two and how it's developed over the course of the series, with them having started out as being at odds with one another to winding up as so much more. It's been an incredible journey seeing their relationship change in the way that it has, and along the way it's served as an excellent showcase for the character of Amity herself, who is unquestionably one of my favourites in this show's cast. So without further ado, allow me to explain why I feel this relationship is one of the highlights of the show for me.

When Amity is first introduced to us, her very first scene makes us think we know exactly who this girl is going to be for us. She's the typical school bully character. The one who will rival Luz and her friends and push them around whenever they meet. The girl that we'll cheer whenever she faces defeat. Yet despite Amity showing the traits of that character, even in this earliest of moments we see that there's more to her. Yes, she's unkind to Willow, but she's also someone who greatly values hard work, and utterly despises cheaters. And as the episode progresses we may find ourselves siding with her, if only out of principal. Luz and Willow were cheating and lying about what they were doing in order to make the latter look better at her classes than she really was, and no matter how you slice it, Amity losing her spot as top student to someone who only succeed through deception is an unfair thing. Amity's anger was justified, even if we were given nothing else to like about her just now. So while expectations had been set up for her to be an unlikable character, there were already shades of more beneath the surface, and that's something we'd get a lot more of as time went on.

In her next couple of appearances, we started to see Amity outside of the competitive environment of Hexside, and again this brought to light sides of her that wouldn't have been expected. We learn of her ambition to join the Emperor's Coven and her utter glee at the thought of actually succeeding at it. We see her reading to children and actually enjoy doing so, even if she protested at her reasons for doing it. In short, we started to see a great deal of positive traits from her. True, she was still bitter towards Luz, and actions like stepping on King's cupcake certainly weren't called for, but this was definitely the start of her growing out of the bully role she'd been set up for, which is especially interesting considering she'd only had one episode in that spot. Yet her time with Luz in both episodes, Covention and Lost in Language, shows them both growing closer, with Amity acknowledging that there's more to her than just being a cheat in the former, and recognising and appreciating that she herself hadn't been the nicest of people in the latter. The two weren't friends by this point, but it definitely laid the groundwork for them to become such later on.

Then, after the long hiatus of the show, we got Adventures in the Elements, where the connection between Amity and Luz has apparently blossomed into a full-blown friendship. Whatever animosity had been between them had gone by this point, and they were both excited at the prospect of actually going to the same school together. Amity had come to recognise by now that Luz works just as hard as she does when it comes to learning magic, even if she wasn't as far along in her skills as she was, and the fact that they shared common interests, most notably their love for the Azura book series, gave Amity possibly the first genuine friend she's had in a very long time. But there were still bumps in the road for her and Luz, especially then the latter stole her training wand for her own purposes. And on a side note, I understand that Luz was likely frustrated with her own training, but that was still the most disappointed I'd ever been in her by that point. Still, those problems were worked through, and much like with the "library incident" the two worked together to successfully overcome the big danger of the episode, resulting in Luz learning her second spell and Amity looking forward to their time as classmates.

After this, we wouldn't see much of Amity during Luz's early time in Hexside, but her next big inclusion in the story came in one of the season's best episodes, Understanding Willow, where we're given not only another great instance of Amity and Luz working together, but also giving us a full explanation as to why Amity was the way she was towards Willow during their first appearance. It is revealed that Amity distancing herself from her was the result of an apparently abusive household, where the Blight's family status pressured her to associate only with more powerful witches. Her parents even went so far as to threaten to keep Willow out of school should Amity continue to be friends with her. So in the end, it turns out that Amity's cruelty was done so Willow actually had a chance of getting into Hexside in the first place. Now, this is a terrible thing for children to go through, both Willow and Amity, and the latter's parents rightly deserve a good smack for treating their daughter that way. But while Amity's words and actions towards Willow were bad, they became understandable, as they were hiding a greater cruelty behind them. It doesn't excuse Amity for how she was with Willow at the start of the show, but it does put it in a new light. And additionally, I appreciate how this didn't automatically become a renewed friendship with Willow when all was said and done, as such things take time to heal.

And then, we came to the big one. Enchanting Grom Fright. This was it, the big Lumity moment that had the fandom screaming and squealing with joy over finally seeing those two cinnamon rolls get together. And I'd be dishonest if I said I wasn't wearing the biggest smile on my face when I saw that episode play out. Luz and Amity's moments together, especially that now-famous dance sequence, were immediately enjoyable to watch and have likely been re-watched over a dozen times now. But it also served as a pretty definitive marker that Amity's feelings towards Luz had developed far beyond friendship by this point. So much so that her greatest fear was being rejected by her, either in general or for the dance specifically. There had been hints of that liking before this, but this episode confirmed it. And what I love about it is that a lot of groundwork had been established beforehand to make it work. It wasn't just them being friends after the library and then instant crush. Time had been taken to bring us to this point, so that when they finally went together in that incredible dance, it was a moment that the show had fully earned for itself.

Now, before, I go any further with what happens with Amity in the show, I feel like I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the point of LGBT representation in this show. Now, I am by no means someone who is qualified to speak on matters like this, but if I'm going to talk about a same-sex relationship like this I feel it's sort of unavoidable. Obviously I'm happy that Disney is doing this, regardless of whether or not it's their first such relationship on-screen. I have no idea if it is, given all the news I've heard of other "firsts" in Disney media. But I think what's especially interesting about this is that it's taking place in a story where the themes and ideas sort of align with those kinds of relationships. Remember, as I mentioned in my last Owl House discussion, one of the big ideas of the Boiling Isles is that it's a society where those who deviate from the norm are looked down on or punished severely, and I don't think I'm wrong in saying that that's a situation that a lot of LGBT people can identify with. So having this relationship take place against that sort of backdrop seems like an ideal match, though I'm not sure if that's a specific idea the writers had for it.

Once we got Grom out of the way, Amity continued to be a good and enjoyable character, but her development, it had to be said, wasn't as profound after the big dance. Outside of learning that she had past regrets from hurting her former grudgby teammates, the only things new with her is that her feelings for Luz have reached such a point that she's driven to an almost blubbering, incoherent state whenever she's close to her. Naturally, this is as hilarious and endearing as you'd expect, and was easily one of the more entertaining aspects of the Wing it Like Witches episode. However, it also showed a rather unfortunate point about this crush she has on Luz, and that's that Luz herself seems oblivious to it. Sure, that's great for comedy, but it does present the worry that Amity's romantic leanings towards her might not be fully reciprocated. As a shipper myself, this is troublesome, but objectively speaking I can't say it's a real problem with the episode or the relationship. Indeed, having it turn out that Luz doesn't feel the same way, and then Amity having to deal with it with the two still maintaining a friendship has the potential for a good episode down the line, so on that note we'll likely just have to wait and see.

When that was over, we reached pretty much the end of Amity's inclusion in season one. Aside from a few cameo appearances showing her recovering from her grudgby injury, she wouldn't make another appearance in the story. Now, as someone who very much likes this character, this was disappointing, but I do understand wanting to downplay her. She had, after all, pretty much dominated the story for the last few episodes, so I can appreciate wanting to ease off her for a while and get back to the main cast. As far as her relationship to Luz is concerned, we'll have to wait until the show's second season to see where it goes, though I can predict some interesting things between them given how the season ended. Luz is now officially an enemy of Emperor Belos, the leader Amity has spent her life trying to enter into the service of, and that, coupled with Luz's likely dislike of the man, with probably lead to some conflicted feelings between the two girls. I truly hope this doesn't sour the connection they've established, but like with a lot of things brought on by the season finale, that's all up in the air right now. I've known the struggle of waiting for new season before, and I can go through it again.

The Owl House has a lot of great things to talk about, and while I may feel differently about it as time goes on, for now I really do enjoy the character of Amity a lot. The way she's written, the way she breaks out of the expectations we might have started out for her, the way she slowly grew closer to the rest of the cast, to finally developing feelings for our main heroine, it was all a delight to watch. I might even go so far as to say that, when it comes to school rival characters, she may be among the best I've ever seen, if only by virtue of how enjoyable she's been. Like with everyone else in this cast, Amity has been a stellar inclusion, and though I worry about how she'll be handled when the Owl House eventually returns to us, for now I'm very satisfied with what we've seen of her thus far. Lumity may not, as I may have indicated earlier, be the objective best thing about this show, but it continues to bring a smile to my face. And I think we can all agree that, in times like this, finding something that makes us feel happy should be treasured as much as possible 🥰

[secondhand-trash]

Dead Romantics

A/N: The idea came before the plot and I’m just writing this because this is a theme I really want to write about but don’t have the outlet for lol Hopefully starting a series out of this

(au masterlist)

Pairing: modern necromancer!Shinsou HItoshi x reader

Description: The young necromancer spent his entire life being all by himself, and now he had no idea what to do when an enthusiatic classmate went out of thier way to be his friend.

Word count: 2618 

Playlist:

Apocalypse//Cigarettes After Sex

Your Heart Is As Dark As Night//Melody Gardot

Cherry Wine//Hozier

-

Shinsou Hitoshi was the first and only necromancer to enroll in UA since its establishment many, many moons ago.

For an institution that pride itself in offering inclusive education to both human and magical children alike, the board of staff sure panicked when they read the boy’s application form. Shinsou remembered the slight awkwardness on the teacher’s face when they stiffly said that there was no curriculum or support for necromancers because, frankly, there never was one. And honestly, he was used to that look, he had got reactions way worse than a brief seconds of silence. Necromancers pretty much isolated themselves from the rest of society and for a good reason. Even after cohesion between humans and the nocturnal had made such progress in the past decades, many still saw those who interfere with spirits as taboo. His parents’ decision to let him go to a ‘normal’ school instead of receiving private tutoring caused quite the conflict in his family, whose bloodline traced all the way back to the first generation of those who communicated with the dead.

Shinsou grew up hearing kids whispering things behind his back like he wasn’t there but the worst part was always the look in their eyes when they knew that he heard everything. It was the look of fear, one that his parents warned him before letting him into the wide world filled with people. Just because he was warned doesn’t mean it hurt any less. There was a time when he would try so hard to fit into other kids, and spent night after night sobbing under his blanket when they still avoided him like the plague. But after many years, he had accepted the fact that people simply don’t want to befriend necromancers, and he had grown to enjoy being alone.

Which was why Shinsou Hitoshi had no idea, absolutely no idea why you were being so nice to him.

You were pretty much a normal average human who did not dabble in magic of any sorts and even if you sat right in front of him, he never expected to come in contact with you in any ways. In all honesty, he did not expect to come in contact with anyone in his class in any ways. He made the effort to occupy the seat far at the back in the corner, that way he could avoid being surrounded by people when they get into groups during break. It was a way of living he adapted, self-alienating was actually pretty pleasant once you get used to it.

So no, he wasn’t even sure why he’s still listening to you rambling on about some weird encounter you had with a ghost in the empty classroom when the rest of the class had gone to the canteen. As he watched your hands flailing in the air while reenacting the whole scenario, he wondered why he even responded to you the first time you turned around and tried to get him to talk.

“Shinsou? Shinsou!” you waved your hand in front of his face, bringing him back to reality. “Are you even listening?” you leaned forward, “you look even more dead inside than usual. Did you even sleep last night?”

Shinsou ran his hand through his untamed hair and sighed, he would have been napping by now if you weren’t here. “No, stayed up all night for some ritual.”

He tried to search your eyes for any signs of disgust, any signal of fear but he saw nothing. If anything, you always looked intrigued every time he nonchalantly brought up his family business to see if it would finally scare you into leaving him alone. “Ah, necromancy!” you tilted your head, “so it’s true that it could only happen at night?”

He only nodded. No one had ever asked him about that, how was he supposed to say that it was mostly for aesthetic purposes nowadays when you looked so impressed?

“You should definitely show me how it works one day.”

“What?” Shinsou choked out in disbelief. He knew that you had no idea how dangerous his field of practice could be but he definitely underestimated your lack of alert.

“It’s almost Halloween and my friend is an actual necromancer, we should have a séance or something. It’s festive!” you said, your excitement completely contrasting to the baffled expression of your friend.

“We’re not... Never mind,” Shinsou was about to reflectively say that he wasn’t your friend when his words were caught at the back of his throat. Something about your genuine goodness made him feel bad for pushing you away, which was strange because he never asked for any of this. He wasn’t going to lie, having an accepting person around for a change did feel nice. “Having a séance without a purpose is dangerous and necromancy is pretty much a ‘no outsider’ type business so there’s no way I’m letting you in on that.”

You let out a dramatic sigh and pouted. Shinsou rolled his eyes and you chuckled. Somehow, he wasn’t as annoyed as he tried to be and it confuses him to no end. He was trying to get you to stop bothering him, why was he still here entertaining you when he could be off doing something else?

Shinsou took a breath and tried to sound as stern as he possibly could, “If you’re not a client or another necromancer and I let you see anything, I’ll either have to kill you or marry you.”

You only shrugged, “Sounds good either way.”

He snorted. And as convincing as he tried to be, he could not even convince himself to ignore that fluster in his stomach.

“Just because you’re a necromancer, doesn’t mean you have a free pass to dig up graves.”

“Actually, it does, it’s in the law. (It actually is.)” He silently cursed himself for being foolish enough to fall for your whines and let you tag alone. To be fair, when you heard that he had ‘somewhere to go afterschool’, you really wasn’t expecting to end up in the middle of a graveyard but a normal person would have left at this point and you were still poking your head around him curiously as he looked around. “Why are you still here? For the last time-”

“Stop trying to convince me that we’re not friends,” you crossed your arms in front of your chest and smirked as you knew exactly what he was about to say, “I’ve been to your house and your parents recognizes me, your cat purrs when it sees me, I still have that book you lent me on my shelf, I actually managed to make you laugh once and I’m literally here to dig a grave with you, we are friends.”

Shinsou groaned and you knew that you had won. He would try to argue that you went to his house because he took a sick leave that day and the teacher asked you to since you were the only person he actually talked to in the whole class. His parents still remembered you because they were shocked when they answer the door to someone looking for their son who said that he had no interests in making friends with people from school. Till now, they would still ask Shinsou if ‘the nice kid he met at school’ would like to come over for dinner or not and he would always give an indifferent mumble to brush it off. The house cat purrs at anyone and the only reason he lent you that one book was because you kept bugging him about it and he wanted a bit of peace. He was only laughing at you because you tripped yourself on a flat ground. Finally, he did not ask you to come to the graveyard with him.

Now that he thought about it, he had been spending an awful lot of time with you recently.

“Fine.”

You gave him a wide grin, seeing that it was the first time he ever admitted it out loud. He tried to ignore you and turned around to look for the items he was looking for, not picking up on the heat concentrating on the tip of his ears. He wasn’t actually digging up a grave this time, a little bit of dirt from the ground was enough for what he had in mind.

“What are you doing with that?” you asked as he kneel down to scoop up a small pile of soil next to a tombstone and put it in a small velvet bag.

“Trying to contact a spirit of some sorts,” he said, carefully choosing his wording, “there are questions I want to ask.”

You nodded and didn’t pry any further. He let out a relieved sigh, because he had no idea how he was supposed to answer your questions like it was nothing when everything he wanted answers for had to do with you.

The clock strike midnight and Shinsou sucked in a deep breath as he stared at everything that was laid out in front of him. He had done this many times and he knew that he would not fail, but some part of him was still nervous to see if this would actually help the million thoughts swimming in his mind at all.

Dusting the soil in a trail to form a circle, he lighted a candle and placed it inside the circle. Closing his eyes, he could feel the way his blood flow in his veins and the sudden chills that spread from his back all the way to the tip of his fingeres. As the numbness retreat and he felt the air circulating around the room, his slowly opened his eyes to see a blurry shadow.

Focusing his gaze on the silvery shadow, the figure slowly morphed and twisted like a stream of smoke before coming to form the image of a man. The man was dressed in a sharp suit with a silk bow and held a top hat in hand, old-fashioned but extravagant no less. His hair was carefully styled and every little detail on his coat was delicately crafted.

Ah great, a romantic.

“You called upon the spirits to get answers on the future I assume. Is that right, young boy?” the syllables rolled off the man’s tongue in a way that sounded tiresome to Shinsou’s modern ears.

“Well, yes, but I might have make a mistake.” This was stupid, how sad was it that he was looking for advice on his own feelings and he could only turn to people who had been dead for decades.

“Oh, a mistake you say?” the spirit looked amused by the clear distress on the necromancer’s face, “We both know that a ritual of that sort summons only the spirit that could respond to the deepest yearning of your heart. So why did you call me here, prey tell?”

“I need help,” he said though his teeth, “with this friend of mine.”

“Is it a friend or is it a someone more?”

Stupid ghosts and their instincts. “The thing is, I don’t know how I feel about them.”

“Ah!” The dandy yelped in excitement, “the dilemma of love and friendship, the problem every young gentleman must face!”

Shinsou paled at the ghost who was so excited in the face of his struggle. “It’s not a dilemma. I just, I don’t know if I even feel for them that way or I’m just getting attached to the first person who showed me a hint of kindness. Because I was still annoyed by them the last time I remember and all of a sudden I don’t even mind being around them and it doesn’t make sense-”

“Sounds like you fell in love.”

“But if that’s so then I’m just messing things up, wouldn’t it?”

The spirit raised a brow, “How is that so?”

“Well,” Shinsou tried to gather his thoughts, “there’s no way someone like them would want to get too close with someone like me.”

The spirit stayed silent for a while and it was like it could stare a hole into the boy standing in front of him, “But they already did, haven’t they?”

“What?”

“From what you said, it sounded like that person actually want to be close to you. Why are you so convinced that they wouldn’t?”

For a while, Shinsou was lost with words. There were many, many reasons he could think of on top of his head on why people wouldn’t want to be close to him. He didn’t talk much, he looked like he hadn’t sleep in 300 years, he went looking for relationship advice from a dead romantic, many, many of them. But as he went through the many reasoning, none of them seemed like they would have work with you.

“Don’t mind me because I’m just a dead old man from the 19th century but perhaps you spent so long wallowing in self-loathing that you ignore all signs of said person fancying you as much you might hope them to be?”

It was nothing new but Shinsou stayed up all night thinking about what the spirit said to him. At heart, he still found it pretty pathetic that he got lectured by a ghost but what he said makes sense and for the first time since he gave up on trying to fit in, he felt extremely anxious while sitting through his many classes at school, knowing that you would most likely be around him for lunch.

As expected, you turned your chair to the back and sat down facing him once the bell for lunch break rang and people started to clear out of the room. “So, any success with the questions you wanted to ask?”

“Yeah, sort of.” he only uttered a quick response and you knitted your brow together.

“Is something wrong?” you asked, slightly concerned.

“Why weren’t you afraid of me?”

He looked right at you in the eyes and it almost pained you to think of what he had gone through to even feel the need to ask that. You could guess that he didn’t have the easiest time around people from how closed off he was before you annoyed him into letting his guard down but you wasn’t expecting the standard treatment he got to be fear.

You gently said, “Why would I be?”

He chuckled and you weren’t sure why it sounded to gut wrenching to you. “Everybody else is.”

“I like being around you.”

His eyes slightly widened, the leaping in his chest speeding up at your earnest. His brain went hay wired when you tentatively reached for his hand and rubbed soothing circles at the back of his hand. He wasn’t even aware that he wanted the contact so badly until his body acted upon him and held your hand in his.

A rush of warmth washed through you as the boy initiated any affection towards you for the first time. He brought his hold on your hand to his lips and placed a soft kiss at the back of your hand, sending a mad blush to your face. You would be lying if you say you never wanted this to happen when you brought up the bravery to talk to the gloomy kid sitting at the back of the room for the first time.

He quietly said in the most genuine tone you had ever heard from him, “Thank you.”

He smiled, and that sight alone made your heart melt.

[fragmentedink-archived]

Hell to Pay: Part Forty-Six

I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, XI, XII, XIII, XIV, XV, XVI, IX, IX, XX, XXI, XXII, XXIII, XIV, XV, XVI, XVII, XVIII, XVIIII, XXX, XXXI, XXXII, XXXIII, XXXIV, XXXV, XXXVI, XXXVII, XXXVIII, XXXIX, XL, XLI, XLII, XLIII, XLIV, XLV

cowritten by @lux-scriptum

A/N: trigger warnings for mentions of miscarriages

The pool had been exactly what Lev expected. Big, sleek, modern. Two diving boards, which Lev hadn't expected, one medium height and one close to the water, down at the deep end. Lev had curled up in one of the chairs and watched Nik sit on the edge of the pool, dangling his feet in the water.

Lev ate without complaint, even though he was back to broth. Being in the sun was nice. He meant to keep watching, but in the end he fell asleep. Someone had carried him to bed, which Lev didn't mind one bit.

When he woke up, though, he was sweating. Even just the little stirring of Lev waking had Nik waking up as well. Lev's head spun slightly, so he closed his eyes again and burrowed close to Nik, mumbling softly.

A hand ran through his hair. "You okay?" Nik asked. "You feel warm."

Lev shook his head. "I feel-" He considered that and then just ended lamely, "Off."

Nik sat up. "D'you want me to go get Ash?"

Lev considered that too. "Probably a good idea," he finally mumbled, not even opening his eyes.

Nik left, and Lev decided he would just wait, shifting uncomfortably. He felt hot. And cold. And just- wrong.

Lev rolled over as best he could when he heard Nik come back, Ash and Cameron both in tow. He stared at Ash as the angel checked him over. Eventually, Ash asked him, "Do you know what day it is?"

Lev blinked. "No one told me," he finally said, rubbing his face.

"Do you know who the current ruler of Liwen is?"

"Bay," Lev said after a pause.

Ash eyed him, and then, "How long did you have to think about that?"

"A little bit," Lev admitted. "I'm used to saying Mikel."

Ash squinted. "Fair enough. How do you feel? Is it hard to breathe?"

"Like crap," Lev muttered. "I just ache, and I'm too warm- and too cold."

"You should have let the heat take its course, in its entirety," Ash said irritably. "Your body is trying to right itself the best it can, whether you want it to or not."

Lev looked down guiltily. "Does that mean another heat?" he asked in a small voice. "And- do I need- do I need sex to make it work? I- we haven't talked about that. Any of us."

Ash wrinkled his nose. "Sexual intimacy is not an automatic requirement for heats. Intimacy comes in all forms, Lev. I'd have thought you'd understand this by now." He stopped; pinched the bridge of his nose. "No. You just need to let this run its course. You just need your mates' contact and closeness and to stop denying yourself what you need."

After thinking about that, Lev nodded, not even questioning Ash's inclusion of Cameron. "Okay," he agreed easily. At some point during this conversation, Nik had crawled in bed with him. Lev rolled over into him without thinking, sighing.

"Maybe next time you'll stop being so boneheaded and listen to me," Ash said.

Lev nodded against Nik's chest. Nik's arms went around Lev without hesitation. He didn't have to look up to know it was Cameron's hand in his hair.

"I'm assuming you're staying until his fever breaks," Cameron asked Ash, still stroking Lev's hair.

Ash must have said something, but Lev was too tired to care.

---

Amara shuffled back and forth on Cameron's porch. She'd already been to Ash's house, and Celeste had sent her here. Just seeing the pregnant healer had made Amara feel even more self conscious about her request.

She fled before Celeste could ask her why she wanted Ash. It wasn't that she didn't trust the witch. It was just that it was bad enough telling Ash she needed help, to tell someone she didn't know very well just was too much for her pride.

Before she could decide, the door swung open. "If you're going to sulk, come do it inside. I'm working on dinner," was all Cameron said.

Amara followed him without dispute. He wasn't wrong; she'd been sulking. Ash was waiting for them, though he narrowed his eyes, which were still glowing an eerie green, the moment he saw her. How he still had the magic to see was beyond her.

"Lev's not able to see anyone right now," Ash warned.

"I'm not here to see Lev. I'm here to see you." She stepped closer, and then went still.

Ash lifted a brow, giving a silent, well?

"I need your help," Amara finally said.

Ash gave her a sharp laugh. "Oh that is rich," he said. "First you and every single damned person I know go ahead and break nature after I beg you to not perform necromancy, and now you want a favor. Well, Amara," Ash said. "Seeing as how I am busy making sure Lev doesn't die again, why don't you go ahead and take a number and get back to me when I'm a little less busy trying to save your cousin. How about that?"

Amara opened and closed her mouth. He had a point. She'd put him through a lot, knew the damage it'd done to his body. The fact that he still had the magic to see, and heal, was amazing. She looked away.

"Ash, I..."

"No," he said, rubbing his temples. "What do you want? You clearly need me for some reason and I'd rather minimize whatever damage I can before you try to do something on your own and make it all the more worse. It is my job."

She lifted her chin stubbornly. "Cin and I have been trying for months to have a child," she admitted. "I- even before we were trying, I couldn't carry to term, but at the time it didn't seem to matter. I didn't want kids then." She pursed her lips. "I can wait, Lev's more important, but- I didn't know who else to ask."

Ash lifted a single, scrutinizing brow and clicked his fingers along the kitchen counter. "And why now?" he asked. "If you are trying to use a child to curb your impulses I swear it will be the last thing you do."

That stung, but- it was valid. She didn't have a response to that. "You don't have to help me," she said defensively, dodging his question. "I just figured you were the best person to ask." He was. He was the best, the safest course of action. And he was her friend, even if they both needled each other to the point of near cruelty.

"I am the best person to ask, but you didn't answer my question."

Amara could have drug it out, but Cameron didn't seem pleased. Not that he ever did, but- "I don't know," she finally admitted, defeated. "But plenty of people have had kids just because they were careless. I'm- I want this. I fucking moved."

Ash lifted a brow. "You moved?"

"I let Cin buy a house," Amara muttered. "We weren't going to raise a kid in that apartment."

"Congratulations on making one good move without help."

Amara grimaced. "If the answer is no, Ash, just say it. I'll figure something else out."

"What, you're allowed to torment me, but I'm not allowed to torment you?" Ash asked dryly.

To Amara's embarrassment, she could hear Cameron give a small snort.

"That's exactly what I'm saying," Amara snapped, before wincing. Putting two assholes with short tempers in a room was ill advised on a good day.

"Well, suck it up," he said. "If you want my help you're going to have to suffer a bit."

"Listen, I'm not asking for free. I'll pay you for your help, Ash."

Ash waved her off. "I don't want your blood money," Ash replied. "I have my own."

"I have my trust fund, if you don't want my money. I've not touched it. Ever."

"If you want my help, you're going to work for it."

"Asshole," Amara bit out, but- she'd expected that. And deserved it, if she was being honest. "What do you want?"

Ash gave a little smile. "Let me think about it."

Amara threw her hands in the air. Even if she did expect it. "Fine." She might have gone on, but- "You said Lev can't see me. Is he alright?"

"He's sick," Ash said with a sigh.

There wasn't even an ounce of accusation here, but Amara felt guilty anyway. "Is he going to be okay?"

"We'll see," Ash said tiredly. "His fever just started. His body is trying to go through another heat without actually going through it."

Amara closed her eyes briefly. "Okay," she said softly.

"Are you prepared for what will happen if this goes south?" Ash asked pointedly.

She stared at him for a very long time. Eventually, she said, "As long as I can say goodbye- I'll figure it out. But he's not going to die." She set her jaw stubbornly. "He'll be fine."

"And I will do anything in my power to make sure he will be. We're in uncharted waters; nothing is certain."

"I know," Amara said, looking away.

"Sit down," Cameron said, setting two plates down. "Eat."

Amara flopped down with a huff. "Thanks," she muttered. After a few bites, she added, "With moving, it's been mostly take out for a few days."

"Do you need leftovers?" Cameron asked.

Amara paused, fork halfway to her mouth. "I-" In for a penny, in for a pound. At this point her pride was already more than smarting. "Yeah. If you have some to spare."

Cameron nodded, and started reaching for tupperware.

"You can eat first, you know," Amara muttered.

Cameron ignored her, so she just turned back to her food, picking at it.

"I'll do everything I can to help Lev," Ash said, startling Amara.

"I know," she said, blinking a few times. "I trust you."

Ash watched her for a long moment, reading her carefully. "You know I didn't tell you no," he said. "I'll help you, I was just being a dick, which, you kind of deserved. I'll just need some time, especially with Lev sick and you being. You. But we'll figure it out."

Amara rubbed the back of her neck. "I know," she repeated quietly. "It's just been a long few months. I trust you." She went back to eating pointedly.

Ash poked at his food as well. "Don't I know it," he muttered.

---

A day and a half later, Cameron was still doing damage control and nothing seemed to be going well either. Nik was on edge and not leaving the bedroom unless Cameron forced him out and even then it hadn't lasted long.

Lev's fever only grew; the sheets and blankets damp with sweat to the point of needing changed every few hours as well. Cameron was in the process of bringing Lev broth when he heard Lev's voice from the bedroom.

Considering he knew Nik was currently sulking out by the pool, and Ash was in the kitchen, it suggested that Lev was talking to himself- or hallucinating, more likely. He turned back to get Ash and then pushed the door open.

Lev was still on his side, looking up at nothing through his damp locks. "I missed you," he mumbled. "Where have you been?"

Ash slid Cameron a concerned look before moving over to Lev's side. He pressed his hands to Lev's face and looked him over. "He's burning up," he muttered, more to himself than anything.

Cameron put the food on the desk and watched at the footboard in silence.

"I'm sorry you're alone," Lev said.

Cameron wasn't sure if he wanted the answer to whomever it was that Lev thought he was talking to. Perhaps it was high fever that manifested someone from Lev's past, or someone he just thought he knew. Delusions left no good answers.

"I always worry, Darius," Lev said, with hints of sadness to his soft voice.

Cameron was startled enough that he blinked. "Excuse me?" he asked, without thinking.

Ash looked at him, a little surprised. "You know who he's talking to?"

Cameron opened and closed his mouth, and then promptly walked out of the room. The iciness under his skin was momentarily forgotten when he nearly ran into Nik, who stopped short and frowned at him. "You look like you've seen a ghost. You okay?"

"Go see Lev," he bit out. "He's hallucinating."

Cameron didn't give Nik a chance to respond to him before shouldering past him and going to lock himself in his office. He stopped short at the doors and looked at the nearest sentry. "I am only to be disturbed for an emergency or if it's Ash about Lev or Nik's conditions. Anything or anyone else, toss them on their asses. If you do not comply, your job will be terminated effective immediately."

The sentry nodded stiffly and it was answer enough before Cameron disappeared inside his office. He had the tumblers locked in place when he crumpled into a corner of the couch as a fox.

---

Nik bolted towards the bedroom the moment Cameron was out of his sight. Something was bothering the alpha but he wasn't currently sick with a high enough fever to be hallucinating, which made Lev priority.

Ash looked up when Nik appeared in the doorway, already ready to give orders. "I need to regulate his temperature."

"What can I do?"

Ash hesitated only slightly. "I want to get him in a bath. Are you able to be in the tub with him? I know-"

Despite the stiffness in his spine, Nik cut him off. "It'll be fine," he said, already unbuttoning his pants. "I'll do whatever you need me to do."

Ash looked to Lev, and carefully tugged on his hair. "We're putting you in the bath, okay? Need to break your fever and lower your body temperature."

Lev looked through Ash, maybe to the hallucination Cameron was talking about? He gave a small "Okay."

Ash hooked Lev's arm around his neck and hoisted him up, following Nik into the large bathroom. Nik had started the water while Ash watched Nik hesitate. He looked up. "Do I need to take everything off, too?"

Ash looked him in the eye. "Take what you want off. You don't need to get undressed if you don't want to. It's your body."

"But-"

"But nothing," Ash said, sharply. "Decide now. We need to get Lev's temp down."

He felt the blood drain from his face, but he shut up and dressed down minus the shirt. He got into the tub, only seconds before Ash put Lev in his arms. It didn't take much of Lev's listless touching for Nik to get the hint. His arms carefully wrapped around them once Nik got settled enough Lev wasn't completely on top of him. He pressed a kiss to Lev's shoulder. "Don't worry we're gonna make everything okay."

He wasn't sure who, exactly, he was trying to comfort, but Lev looked up at him all the same. "Nik?"

Nik tried for a smile, even if he knew it was falling horribly flat. "Hey Princess. Talking to anyone interesting?"

"Just Darius."

"Oh?" Nik asked, having zero clue who the hell Darius was. "And is Darius more interesting than me?"

"No," Lev said, looking down. "But I left him alone, like I left you alone. And that's not fair."

"...oh."

What the fuck was he supposed to say to that.

"I'm sorry," Nik said, tiredly.

Wordlessly, Ash went about pouring cool water on the both of them. Nik was far less happy about it, though he didn't whine.

"I'm sorry too," Lev whispered. "I shouldn't have left."

He didn't know which 'left' Lev meant, and he was too afraid of asking.

----

Cin hated to leave Amara alone, but Ash had asked him to come, and after what Amara had gone to talk to him about, he wasn't gonna say no. He realized how much it'd taken for Amara to come, and he was proud of her. As prickly and bitchy as she was, she was making progress in just being a better person

Probably, anyway.

He didn't bother knocking on the door, and instead went about tracking Ash down. The angel had been around often enough lately he could remember his scent.

The office he found was quite fancy. Ash looked over at Cin, eyes glowing green with magic. Cin had always found it a bit eerie, but he just waved curiously at Ash.

"You wanted to talk to me?"

Ash gestured to the chair beside him and said, "Have a seat."

Cin flopped down gracelessly. "Seated."

Ash leaned back and flung an arm across the back of the leather chair with irritable elegance. After thrumming his long fingers along the desk, Ash finally said, "I am assuming you know that Amara has come to see me, and I am assuming you're aware she wants a kid?"

Cin nodded. "She's wanted it for a while," he admitted easily. "Before the Lev fiasco. But we were talking about it. It's how I managed to talk her out of living in that awful apartment. Though I think, to an extent, that it's empty nest omega instincts, just a little. I just don't mind. I'm thousands of years old. No reason not to settle down."

Ash seemed to consider that. "You realize," he said, "if I agree to help her, there will be caveats. I will help if I suspect there be toxicity or instability in your home. No kid deserves that. " he paused. "No offense meant. I guess."

"That's fair," Cin replied. "I wouldn't agree to have a child if I didn't think we could handle it. And as much as Amara hates to accept help, I'm sure my brother, her sister, and Levant will all be lending a hand at some point or another." He considered Ash. "Is that what you wanted to tell me? That you want us to be sure we're healthy enough and ready to have a child before you'll agree?"

"Something like that," Ash said, wryly. He watched him silently, before, "Is there anything that I need to know? Like maybe why she would come to me now?"

"Oh, she miscarried last week," Cin explained. "And that's not the first time, both intentional pregnancies and not." He looked down. "She doesn't want your help out of pity. But I didn't realize she hadn't told you yet."

"I am aware Amara doesn't do pity," Ash said, face drawn. "But this might complicate things a bit." Ash pulled out a notebook and scribbled something on a piece of paper, handwriting barely legible. "I'll have to ask her some more questions." He looked up at Cin. "Is there anything else I need to know?"

"Not that I know of," Cin said after a pause. "I don't know if the miscarriages are a- a genetic thing, or an old injury. She's plenty scarred, everywhere, but- again, I don't know, and I don't think she does either." He paused again. "I know she's asking now, but I don't think she's ready right away. And I don't think she expects your help right away. She'd rather Lev live if you can ensure that."

"I can't ensure anything," Ash said, sounding pained. "I can only offer my help and my best. I'll do everything I can for Lev and i'll help Amara. I don't plan on doing anything right away. Especially if she just miscarried and has a tumultuous history of pregnancies already. Her entire lifestyle is going to have to change. I cannot in good conscious help if she keeps going the way she is."

Cin gave a little proud smile. "She's working on it. The last job she took was for Destris. Letting me buy her a house was a big step, I think." He leaned back. "But we're working on the rest."

Ash's little smile came back. "Then I guess she needs a job, then doesn't she." He leaned back. "I mean, I'm joking. Mostly. Though I am glad she's not, you know. Killing people for a living. Not exactly conducive for a healthy home life. But what would I know. My parents were executed and I was raised by a glorified mass murderer. At least she has that going for her, I guess."

Cin watched him for a long moment. "We'll do our best. She doesn't want her kids to have the same childhood she did. Her parents died doing the same job she has. Tu killed my parents, but then again- that's complicated in it's own right." Perhaps that was a bit too blunt, but... "I don't want us to be like either of our parents. And she doesn't either. We'll be better."

Ash stared Cin down. "I'll hold you to that."

Cin shrugged. "Okay," he replied easily.

---

They had managed to bring Lev's fever down enough he wasn't hallucinating, though that small success did little for the anxiety clawing at Nik's insides. Still they also managed to get Cameron out of his study, at the very least so he could make Lev chicken soup. If only so he didn't kill Nik for cooking in his precious kitchen.

Ash ended up pulling Nik to the side once Cameron came in with food. "You haven't been eating," he accused.

"Excuse me," Nik said. "How would you even know that. You can't even see."

Ash's face hardened to the point Nik almost winced. Right. That was probably unwise to say to one of the two people with an anal need to mother him. Ash grabbed his arm and yanked him unnecessarily close. "You are pregnant," he hissed. "You need to fucking eat."

Nik flashed a quick glimpse at Cameron across the room, but his focus seemed to be fixed on feeding Lev. He let out a sharp sigh and glared at Ash, and shoved him. Hard. "You are not my damn mother, Ash. Keep your opinions to yourself."

He wasn't sure if he were surprised or not by Ash grabbing his ear with lightning quick reflexes and dragging him the rest of the way out of the room. He pushed Nik to the wall, but he did it with such calculated carefulness that it only made Nik more annoyed. "It is not a damn opinion, and considering you are pregnant and Lev is sick and Cameron is being Cameron but squared, I have half the mind to force you to come home witn me where I can keep you under my roof with me twenty-four seven so I can make sure you-"

"Okay!" Nik snapped. "Stars, you micromanaging dickhead. I get it. I've been a little busy. I didn't just go 'hey, I'm growing this weird thing so I'm just going to starve it out. In case you hadn't noticed, my boyfriend was hallucinating and my other boyfriend is being a nutcase, but hey, I'm the problem, right?"

Ash's finger dug into his chest. "Currently? Yes. Because I happen to care about you the most, but you are also the biggest suicidal, neurotic mess I have the misfortune of knowing during a good day. I just want to make sure you're taken care of because I will not have a repeat of breaking your ribs because you decided to go off the deep end again." Ash's voice dropped. "You scared the living hell out of me. Don't make me find you like that again."

Tears of anger and regret and shame burned in Nik's eyes. He rubbed them away with the palm of his hands. "It wasn't like I did it on purpose," Nik said, trying to keep his voice from breaking. "And I didn't not eat on purpose. I've been a little busy."

"Just. Be careful," Ash said, stepping back. "I'll help if you want. But you need to take care of yourself."

"Yeah, okay," Nik sniffled, under his breath. "Fine. Are we done now?"

"Yes." Ash sighed.

And on that fantastic note, Nik slipped past him and went to crawl into bed up behind Lev. He pressed a kiss to Lev's heated shoulder and snuggled up against him and closed his eyes. He could feel Lev reaching out for Cameron. "I can't find Darius," Lev was saying. "Will you find him for me?" Cameron's hesitancy was palpable. "Please," Lev said. "I can't find him."

Cameron sighed. "I will see what I can do."

---

Cameron found his way back to the witch's house in the woods when Lev and Nik went down for their nap. It wasn't long after Cameron giving Lev his word that the fever broke and some kind of clarity coming back to Lev's eyes. He didn't think too much about that.

He didn't bother knocking on the witch's front door and walked right in, heading back to where he figured Cyrus would be. The bedroom.

The demon appeared from the kitchen. "What are you doing here? He's sleeping." When Cameron kept walking, he added, "The spell he did for you wiped him out."

Cameron, once again, ignoring the demon's commentary, kept walking back to the bedroom. Cyrus managed to be roused by the bedroom door opening. He was clearly trying to be polite when he said, "Can I help you?"

"Lev asked for someone," Cameron said, shoving his hands into his pockets. "How much would it be to perform that spell one last time?"

Tagging: @incandescent-creativity @idreamonpaper @lil-mis-red @ @solangelo3088 @halstudies @littleyellowdinosaur @caelisis

[plusultrcs]

Okay so now that i’m done crying about shadow and bone to my friends i want to make a controversial statement. Don’t bite my head off for my opinion bc 1. idc i said what i said and 2. it aint that serious these are fictional characters moving on though. I don’t think the show is bad AT ALL i really enjoyed it and seeing the inclusion of leigh and her books was so fucking cute but i will say i think combining both series into one did a huge disservice to the character development of most, if not ever, character. and i’ll explain why so (obviously) sab spoilers ahead. this also obnoxiously long so if you dont read it thats fine <3 lmao

I know going into it everyone, including leigh pretty much, was saying not to expect it to be like the books. That it was going stray away and be more like a fanfiction than the original works. Which was true, but only for the six of crows characters. The show leaned heavily and relied heavily on the plot of shadow and bone. Which, of course, makes sense but because of the inclusion of a heavy heavy re-worked six of crows plot that didnt fit the plot of shadow and bone at all it left them feeling incredibly displaced. Like on shadow and bones part every single major and sometimes even the minor plot points were followed to the number, but on the six of crows front the only thing closely followed was the nina and matthias backstory. I wont talk about every single character because i anticipate this to already be long, but the ones i noticed the most were done a disservice.

For instance Alina. Despite shadow and bone being followed so closely you dont really get to see the natural progression of alina’s character the way i was hoping we would. And that’s definitely because of the time restraints. They had to find a way to somehow balance the screen time for both separate plots so that they could hold the audiences attention for both. Like when nina and matthias plot wasnt on the screen for i think 2 episodes i almost forgot about them and what they were up to so i understand why they timing had to be so split, especially when you only have 8 hours to cover the characters of 2 over 300 page long books yknow? But that means important moments alina had to herself in the books were completely cut, and so a lot of that growth we got went with it. The the biggest thing i was disappointed to see go was the defeat she felt when she was first captured and collared by the darkling. She was feeling absolutely helpless, mal was in their hold, she had no power to do anything but sit there and let him use her. All the training she did felt pointless to her and she really was at the point of giving up. She went quiet, wouldnt speak,was basically a zombie until that moment in the fold when she saw innocent people suffering when she knew she could stop. And she found a way to break free. There were other moments like this in the book, like moments at the little palace where shelt herself getting further and further from mal and feeling like an outside on her own all over again. They tried to show it in the show but without the time to develop her life on her own at the little palace it definitely fell short.

Speaking of mal: THANK YOU WRITERS FOR FIXING HIS WHINY ASS. And while he was annoyingly whiny in the books, he is not a boring character. Not to me at least, honestly he never was. While i do appreciate them not making him so whiny, I would have appreciated seeing that same dissonance realizing alina was grisha brought about in the books. Its just like alina said, grisha were people they scoffed at and talked about in a joking way. Their lives felt miles and miles away from their own, and then to learn that she had been one the entire time. I know i know, it has nothing to do with, and alina didnt know either. BUT THAT IS STILL HIS BEST FRIEND. And obviously girl he’s in love with even if he wasnt aware of it at the time. it made him question everything he thought about grisha, and more importantly brought both of their biggest fears to light: being torn apart. In the book he doesnt deal with this well at ALL and while leigh bardugo does a great job throughout the series showing him growing to me he never got where he should have been, and the show did place him there but i think they do so prematurely. I definitely wanted him to be as understanding as he was, to take notice of how much healthier and stronger she looks since she’s not withholding her power anymore, but i did still want the tension of him wondering what it means for them, how their lives would change, because just based on laws alone she is a grisha and would typically never be someone he would have the chance to befriend but neither of them would be okay with that.

AND ON THE TOPIC OF MALINA. THEY ARE NOT A BORING SHIP. I think the only person other who would work for alina is nikolai (dont fight me on this im right), and that is who i wanted her to end up with. However, I understand why Mal was the choice. Alina has always been someone who just wanted to belong, to fit in somewhere, AND THAT IS OKAY. IT’S NOT A CRIME TO WANT TO BE ORDINARY. I know shes the main character, and has the prophecy of being the ~chosen one~ but that doesnt mean she suddenly has to alter change and rearrange herself entirely. she never wanted to be a saint, and even by the end of the series she still doesnt. Choosing to let the world believed she died so she could live a quiet life. tHAT’S ALL SHE’S EVER WANTED. And Mal is the perfect person to give her that. People who claim she gave up her life for mal, to me, didn’t understand her character. She bounced around from needing mal by her side, and when she couldnt have him there she still sought acceptance in the only other person willing to give it to her, i.e. the darkling. and then when she couldnt have it from him she’s forced to find it in herself and while she learns she doesnt need him or mal she doesnt need anyone, she still chooses mal bc she wants to be with him. she doesnt feel obligated and even later on in the books makes plenty stands on her own without him but she loves him and they honestly make perfect sense. a softer ship doesnt make it a boring one js.

NOW THE SIX OF CROWS GANG. I hate to say it, i do but they felt reduced to a form comedic relief. they had their serious moments ofc but for the most part whenever they popped up on the screen i knew a joke or gag was soon to follow. i will say kit as jesper? best decision that could have possibly been made he fucking did what he had to DO. Kaz’s development for me felt really really rushed and forced. Like he was saying things to inej he wouldnt have said so quickly and especially not while he wasnt under stress??? it honestly felt like fan service??? which im not mad at because again i dont think the show was bad at all the actors brought really great life to the crows, but it just makes me sad to see all that development and build up go out the window.  i think if they were that set on combining the crows story with the shadow and bone story it would have been so much nicer to get a sort of prequel on the crows. like they should have given them the same treatment they gave nina and matthias. so that we could see their backstories as explained in the book happening in real time like how they all came to ketterdam. i know theres no point in wishing that now since whats done is done and again I DONT THINK ITS BAD. Im just sad about all the character development and strong subtle points lost because leigh bardugo always does such a great job in dropping subtle hints and always bringing them back in the end, and that was sadly lost. STILL A GOOD SHOW STILL LOVE THE BABIES. STILL PRAYING FOR A SEASON TWO.

EDIT: IT ALSO MADE ME SAD TO SEE THEM LOSE SO MANY TIMES??? ESPECIALLY AFTER SOC WHERE THEY ALWAYS MANAGED TO WIN?? Like ofc it made perfect sense for them to be unable to capture the damn sun summoner !!! but kaz and all of the crows are meant to be the best of the best when it comes to criminals top tier and they were bested by a ball of light and a jog???? and them going home basically empty handed was kinda :// like i got it but also where did alina get that necklace lmao so yeah once again still great still love it questions had to be asked 

[itsclydebitches]

Welcome back, welcome back! We have a relatively short chapter this time, which theoretically means it shouldn't have taken me as long as it did to write this recap. Yet here we are. 

We open again on Sun's perspective as he joins a large group in the dorm common room. Recall that last chapter Velvet said she wanted to show SSSN something and I took issue with her "Speaking of family" line. We'll get to that in just a bit, as well as the surprise element of this chapter. Moving chronologically though, we learn that this group is the self-named Beacon Brigade and there has been a unanimous vote to allow SSSN to become a part of whatever the Brigade is doing. "Everyone here helped defend our home and school," Velvet says, "even though they didn’t have to. We’re grateful. As far as we’re concerned, you’re all honorary Beacon students." That's a rather nice sentiment and, once again, Velvet shows herself to be the best and most mature character presented so far. That's not a terribly high bar to clear and as established last chapter, she definitely contributes to the intense Sun-bashing, but this is one of the sweetest lines I've heard from RWBY in a while, so kudos. 

Sun, however, doesn't take kindly to the inclusion. "Whatever that means anymore, Sun thought. Then he chided himself. To the others here, it still meant a lot." That's how you do a character flaw without making them a complete asshole. You either have someone else call the character out (paying careful attention to whether that person's opinion has any weight in the story—something the webseries still needs to work on), or you have the character call themselves out. Which Sun does here. The story allows Sun to have this flaw while likewise recognizing that he's not being fair to the others. That's a conscientious human being right there. 

Or a faunus. You get what I'm saying. 

Sun continues to unpack his prejudices and acknowledges that he's not a big fan of how that mentality impacts the formation of teams: "That was the whole point of the team system—to become part of something, to define yourself, to lose yourself in it. A team made you someone new, someone better." But for Sun that's too much attachment. He claims he's not the type to get attached to either people or places, though his willingness to follow Blake to Menagerie on a "What if?" says differently. Here we get to see how Sun thinks of himself as someone outside of these community ties even as he tries so hard to maintain them. It's a part of his personality that—for reasons I assume have to do with his past—he is unwilling to acknowledge yet. 

The rest of this group is introduced, including Team ARBN and Nolan, originally a member of Team BRNZ. Where are the other three? Oh, they died at the Fall of Beacon. 

Cue me putting the book down for a solid minute because this is one hell of a deviation from the tone of the webseries. With (maybe) the exception of the Schnee charity ball, the Fall of Beacon has been presented as no worse than what we, the viewer, directly experienced. Meaning that the end of Volume 3 was the moment RWBY went from a lighthearted action show to a tragic epic trying to take itself seriously, and crucially the show has made it seem like we were privy to everything that was a part of that change: Penny dies. Pyrrha dies. Yang loses an arm. Everyone is forced to abandon their school. Those are the four events that made this the Fall of Beacon and already we had a problem with how little the show chose to grapple with those things. Ruby's nightmares conveniently disappear. Yang has no difficulty fighting despite working through PTSD. Ruby doesn't seem to care that the friend she saw killed is miraculously standing before her. These events are, by and large, not integrated into the cast's feelings, reactions, and motivations  and when they are it's to say that such a tragedy has no bearing on difficult things like trust (Ozpin) or that those who are still haunted by the Fall are unstable and unfit to lead (Ironwood). Post Volume 4 these events haven't been given the proper weight, which is bad enough on its own, yet now we find out that things were even worse than they first appeared? 

Penny and Pyrrha were not the only ones to die. The Fall was always a tragedy, but this is a tragedy that goes beyond our core group of characters. Was anyone going to mention that Jaune, Nora, and Ren weren't the only ones to lose a teammate? That an entire generation of huntsmen are working through this on a far more personal level than previously established? As said, it's bad enough that the webseries has glossed over Pyrrha's death for everyone but Jaune, yet now BTD comes in to say, "Yeah, some of these kids lost their entire team. Remember these guys?" 

"Everyone on the right is dead now." No need to make room for that in your primary story. 

(As an aside, an anon once asked whether it's weird that Pyrrha got a statue in Argus. At the time I argued strongly that it wasn't, partly due to her celebrity status and the fact that this was her home city, but also because she seemed to be the only "real" death in the Fall. Obviously we as the viewers count Penny as well, but the world may not view the dismantling of an android in the same way they'd view the murder of an organic teenager. As the single "real" death that Beacon suffered, Pyrrha's memory shoulders that attention... but now this little tidbit blows all that out of the water. Apparently lots of kids lost their lives that day and our webseries hasn't taken the time to acknowledge that.) 

So I'm reeling from this revelation and taking in what it's done to Nolan: "He was even thinner than he'd been last year at the Vytal Festival, and his rose-colored glasses didn't hide the dark shadows under his eyes." Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that at least some part of the RWBY-verse is acknowledging the severity of Volume 3's finale, it just rankles that this work is relegated to a supplementary novel already loaded with other problems, rather than put into our main storyline where it would do more good. 

Speaking of those problems, we get another conversation about how unnecessarily cruel the Shade students are. I like the little pun on "shade" that Nadir gives—"Let’s just say some of the Vacuan students here are giving a new meaning to ‘Shade’ Academy"—but I’m not sure why Myers feels the need to follow that up with Nadir giving an awkward explanation. I can't remember precisely where, but didn't we see this already? With Sun or Neptune? Plus we definitely just got Fox's 'joke' that went over Neptune's head. Not every character needs to be #awkward regarding humor and you can trust your reader to get the joke without explaining it each time. That’s a specific character trait that feels like it’s being applied to too many characters now.  Moving on, Arslan speaks my mind by pointing out that, regardless of what Shade might think about them "abandoning" the academies, it's not a productive attitude. Their new peers are more interested in beating them down for what's already happened than discussing how they can move forward as allies (sound like any main characters we know?) So the group strikes up a conversation about what they can actually accomplish. We learn that Yatsuhashi has been leading some of them through meditation and others take the time to share their survivor's guilt, admitting that the Shade students' attitude sometimes feels like a punishment they deserve. Iris brings up Castor, another peer who perished at Beacon, and Nolan continues to grapple with the death of his teammates. Yet despite the severity of these admissions, Sun still isn’t impressed. 

“Yeah. Because you ran away, Sun thought, unable to stop himself, even though this was the exact thing the other Shade students were thinking of the Beacon and Haven survivors. No wonder Nolan was here—he was probably getting criticized worse than anyone, because Shade students were supposed to be stronger than everyone else.”

Okay wait, does Sun actually know that Nolan ran away? Is "ran away" in the context of Nolan's specific battle (his team was fighting a mech or something and he split), or is it in the context of the entire Fall (he failed to take back Beacon and therefore 'ran')? That's a huge difference because if it's the latter (and I suspect it is)... Sun ran away too. Has Sun—and Myers—forgotten that he was there? At the Fall. Right there on the left. 

It feels more than a little disingenuous of Sun to be adopting any of the Shade Academy's criticism when he himself was a part of the 'failing' group. Why is he acting like he’s an outside observer, judging Nolan when they went through the same horror? When he too ‘ran’ from that fight? Obviously this ‘You ran away’ perspective is just garbage all on its own, but I'm really distracted by what appears to be only three explanations: 

Nolan really did ditch his team, Sun knows about it, and this is all info that I've missed from the previous book (always possible)

Nolan really did ditch his team, Sun knows about it, but Myers isn't interested in telling us how Sun got that info or why it’s important 

Nolan never ditched his team, 'ran away' is in the context of leaving Beacon to the grimm, and Sun is so deep in his denial he’s removed himself from the facts of the situation. You didn't save Beacon either, Sun! 

I'm just 

Sun isn't done yet though and before we cover that I just want to say: I get it. This book drags him to an unreasonable degree and any Sun fan must just be frothing at the mouth reading through this. However, I also can't claim that Myers has made Sun particularly endearing here. Like in the prologue when Sun is all about being a solo act, denying reality, and ignoring the harm he's done to his team, here he's presented as someone I'm just not interested in spending time with. I know I praised him above for correcting his knee-jerk thoughts, but like with Coco's flaw becoming overdone Sun-bashing, Sun’s attitude it so over the top I get frustrated with him even while I sympathize with the extreme criticism he’s shouldering. Because this Sun isn’t any kinder or wiser than the group targeting him: 

“But he’d believe it when he saw it. It was easy to talk about doing something, and another thing to follow through on it. Maybe that was what he didn’t like about this group. So far it was all just sitting around and talking. They should be focused on moving on— channeling their strength toward protecting their new home, their new friends.”  

Sun has little to no faith that this group can accomplish the things they set out to do (despite evidence to the contrary). He's critical of what they have chosen to do and is dismissive of their needs. He likewise criticizes others for not taking care of their home and their friends... even though he's the one who left his team to chase after Blake, someone who explicitly did not want or need his assistance. It's something Sun himself brings up later on: "Blake may not have needed or wanted him, but there was no doubt in his mind that he had helped" and it's his dismissive attitude here that’s my primary issue with him both in the webseries and in this novel. Sun prioritizes his own desires (I want to help) over everyone else's desires and needs (Blake didn't want my help and didn't need it). We see him doing the same thing here, rejecting what a very large group all needs because it's not something he as an individual wants. It feels contradictory to call Sun selfish because his desires do revolve around helping others—his wants are all coming from a loving place—it's just that how he prioritizes that drive to help often ends up hurting others and he continually refuses to acknowledge that. His “but I helped” is used as a catch-all justification for the bad choices he made in providing that (unwanted) assistance. Like creepily following a woman, or ditching his team, or getting in over his head by following three goons alone, or criticizing a conversation that others find beneficial. To reiterate, I do think that Sun has gotten way too much heat in this novel, but I also can't pretend that he's a character I'm particularly fond of. He made me uncomfortable the moment spying on four women in their bedroom was played as a joke and RWBY has done very little to endear me to him since. It's a bit of a surreal experience to read about someone I’m very critical of, but when the material itself criticizes him I’m suddenly like, "Hold up. That's going too far." 

Reading about Sun feels like watching someone who insists they help another bake a cake. The baker does not want help, does not need help, but our character is just desperate to do something. So he forcefully takes the ingredients for himself and ends up ruining the batter. I'm like, "Okay, that's not appropriate. You're coming from a good place and you never meant any harm, but your actions were still a problem. We should address this, including where that desperate need to help is coming from." 

Except then the baker 'addresses this' by screaming at him at the top of their lungs, throwing things, and banning him from the kitchen for all time. 

Me: "Not like that!!" 

Simply put: this novel is generating a lot of emotions and very few of them are pleasant. 

Things finally come to a head when Sun rolls his eyes because he doesn't like therapy—wait. 

Hold up. Just give me another second. 

You remember I spoke about the "surprise element" earlier? Think about the structure of the last chapter. We end on what's essentially a small cliffhanger. Velvet says she wants to show Team SSSN something but the reader doesn't know what that is. We’re waiting for the reveal. Yet we only learn that the group is having a therapy session four pages in—and this is a six page chapter. (Yes, I'm writing twice as much as the source material. You all know I'm not succinct :p ). Myers is now demonstrating a habit of not introducing the core aspects of a scene: who, what, where, when, and why. We've got half of that— who, when, and where—but not the 'what' or the 'why.' What is the group doing in the city in the middle of the day? Are they patrolling? Out to lunch? Following a lead? Looks like they're visiting a wall. Would have been nice to know that a couple pages earlier. Oh, there's a souvenir table there? Didn't feel like it, and it was never mentioned in the scene setup, so that’s an awkward surprise. Now Velvet wants to show them something. What is it? No seriously... what is it? Please tell me what's going on before we're more than halfway through the event in question. Granted yes, you might be able to deduce that they're in therapy, but we don't know that for sure until Sun uses the word. And we need to know in order to properly read the scene. I spent the first four pages thinking that this group was an expansion of CFVY's solo missions. While they were talking I was waiting for Velvet to reveal what she wanted to share—another secret mission they were conducting, or something—not realizing that the conversation itself was it. That’s the reveal. I mean, Beacon Brigade isn't exactly a name that makes you think "therapy." They're labeling themselves an army, ergo I assumed this had something to do with their war. That is, more to do with it than working through the aftermath. 

In retrospect it is somewhat obvious that these students are engaging in group therapy... but at the same time it's not because I would think, technically, that this isn't therapy. Who's the therapist? Velvet? She's the one leading, but she's also an unlicensed, traumatized teen just like everyone else in the room. It's a support group and that's fantastic, I'm honestly thrilled one of RWBY's stories decided to incorporate this, but at the same time it's odd to have Sun seriously referring to this as therapy like this is comparable to receiving professional help. I’m bringing this up because we saw the same perspective regarding RWBYJNR's status as huntresses. That's a job, something earned and presented to you by an expert, but up until Volume 7 Ruby seemed to be working under the impression that because she wanted to be a huntress and because she did vaguely huntress-like things, she was one. Simple as that. But crucially she wasn't and that lack of knowledge, maturity, and training caused serious problems in Volume 6. Now we have a group calling their activity therapy, doing vaguely therapy-like things, but Velvet isn't a therapist. I'm saying that not to knock the excellent work she's doing to help both herself and her friends (and I'm also quite aware that I'm missing an entire book's worth of information that may be pertinent here) but rather, I bring it up to acknowledge that the whole of the RWBY-verse seems to have a skewed idea of how professionalism works. We've got a lot of teens in this franchise who are put in positions of power when by all logic they shouldn't be. RWBY has failed to do the work of coming up with compelling reasons for why these half-trained teens keep getting put in charge of stuff, which is what any story staring kids and teens needs to do.  

Anyway, I've rambled on about that enough. As said, Sun isn't enjoying the touchy-feely-ness of it all, even when Velvet reiterates that they're "like family." Coco reminds him that he's free to leave, but of course she turns it into an insult: "Maybe you’re not ready for this.” Sun ignores the implication and does try to leave, admitting that what he has to say probably won't go over well. The others encourage him to share though, it's a safe space... until Scarlet makes a dig about keeping them waiting again. I'm simultaneously going, "He's right. Sun still refuses to acknowledge how badly he hurt his team" and also "#Yikes. So much for this being a safe place!" 

What I’m saying is these kids all need an actual therapist. Sun himself is described as feeling "strangely disconnected from his body. Unsettled” at the start of the chapter. The tragedy here is that one of the characters most in need of this help is the one digging his heels in the most. 

It gets worse though. Sun finally caves and his take is, as one would expect given his feelings thus far, not great: "This is why Vacuans won’t trust you. Because you’re holding on to who you were and where you came from instead of focusing on where you are.” He also claims that “Theo really wouldn’t like this," making it sound like the group is breaking rules and should be ashamed of trying to cope with their trauma in a healthy manner. He ends with the confident belief that Vacuans understand them completely because they punish themselves by staying in the same, harsh place. 

(So do these people move on or not?? Ugh I can't get into this again.) 

Scarlet, as Sun predicted, isn't pleased to hear any of this. Frankly I can't blame him. "Like you didn’t leave us the first chance you got to chase after someone you barely knew who didn’t want your help?" he says. "You didn’t even stay in Vacuo for school —you chose Haven.”

He's not wrong. Hard as it is to hear, Scarlet has a point. Sun did abandon his team. He did chase after someone he'd just met who didn't want his help. He did choose to go to Haven because, as he explained last chapter, he's not a big fan of Vacuo. Which isn't a bad thing in and of itself, it just means he's not in a position to criticize others for not immediately adoring this kingdom, rejecting Beacon in the process. Like so many other RWBY protagonists, Sun holds others to a standard he doesn’t demand of himself. I can hate Vacuo and leave because there are things about it that make me uncomfortable, but you have to learn to appreciate it and forget what’s outside this kingdom, despite never having a choice about coming here. It’s food for thought and something he should be encouraged to consider. However then: 

“You wouldn’t know anything about loss, Sun. You never stay in one place long enough to learn.” 

That's not a point, that's just cruelty, and it's an attack that clearly hurts Sun a great deal. He flushes and snaps, "You all belong in Vacuo more than you think." Really, they all do. He reiterates to himself that there's nothing to work through, they all just need to move on, and then he really does leave, saying that he'll see them for patrol. Well, at least Sun isn’t planning on going off on his own again, even if he is on the outs with his friends. 

So that was an all around depressing chapter! I didn't like it. I was honestly shocked when I went back and realized that it was only six pages because it felt far longer. We're now three chapters into this novel... with only nineteen more to go 😬

Until next time! 

[artificialqueens]

Karma is a bitch, Chapter 1 (Multi ship) - Flor

A/n: Olá! I’m your resident ball of stress and anxiety posing as a your average brazilian uni student trying my hand at writing fic in english after literal years writing solely on my mother tongue, how yall doing? Anyway that is just a very long way of saying i can’t promise perfect english and that i’m very nervous and very excited about posting this. There will be a lot of ships and queens so i’m just going to tag them as they appear, thanks and enjoy!

Summary: Manila being in love with her best friend is just proof that Karma is real and getting back at her for laughing at her coworkers and teasing them over their lack of guts to act on their obvious feelings. Surely that’s it, a cruel joke of the universe and something she will get over with time so in meantime she just needs to focus on something that isn’t Raja. Naturally playing cupid is exactly what she needs.

Chapter summary: Raja breaks up with her girlfriend, swears off dating and Manila has a existential crisis, or several, but who is counting anyway?

***

Manila is not a useless lesbian.

Well she is a lesbian. And okay she can be a bit slow and useless in certain circumstances, sometimes hidden jokes and social clues will fly over her head, but it happens with everyone okay, it’s not that big of a deal. But those two characteristics together? No ma’am, Manila considers herself a pretty sharp lesbian, especially since she works with several textbook representations of useless lesbians. Her workplace is filled with useless lesbians.

RuPaul’s Look Race started small and easily lost in the big Los Angeles scenario, a modeling agency born of spite aimed to the outcasts of the fashion world like the founder herself and it quickly won over the hearts of all the models who used to the racism and homophobia of the fashion industry saw themselves drawn to what promised to be a safe accepting spot. With care it grew exponentially in a short space of time attracting not only clients but also employees who failed to check most of the box on privilege, Manila was hired on the third year of existence of the agency and she saw as it grew and grew until they became the name in everyone’s mouth, the first place that LGBT models turned to, expanding its wings until they started to gather to artists in general rather than only models.

They are an one of a kind business, no one does as much as them, no one attends to so many different artists in so many different fronts all at once so of course they are a big deal, especially when you consider how inclusive they are.

It makes for a very livid, very gay, workplace and Manila would not trade it for the world. The longest living unofficial rule of the place is “LGBT+ until proven straight or cis” because she could easily count how many of her coworkers don’t fit under the rainbow. It feels good to be out and proud of her sexuality, her own personal bubble in a world that wasn’t always kind to her. One of the most unexpected consequences of working on the gayest business in America however is the ridiculous amount of pinning she gets to watch unfold before her daily.

Manila can give you examples of actual useless lesbians until you are begging her to stop and she knows as a fact that she is nothing like them, she doesn’t do those things they do, she knows how to flirt and she damn well knows when someone is flirting with her, and more than that she always knows what to do in those situations.

Until now.

Because Raja broke up with her girlfriend and Manila is facing a life crisis where she doesn’t know what to do with herself.

It’s not like this is the first time this has happened, it’s nothing really new to be honest, Manila has know Raja for almost 10 year and she cannot count how many partners her friend had in those, this is far from the first breakup Manila has lived through and at this point she knows their routine by muscle memory alone.

Raja for someone who is actually quite polished and has her life together has quite a problem with keeping a stable relationship for long periods of time, Manila is sure that in those 10 years of friendship the longest relationship lasted a bit more than 2 years, but at the same time Raja is the type of person who doesn’t like being single for too long what may explain everything. 

So Manila is well versed in post-breakup Raja.

She knows that her friend was the one to end it simply because she texted her asking to come over, it’s just one of her things. If her partner was the one to break things off Raja would seek Raven’s company so both of them could curse and complain and Raven in all her sharp tongued abrasive self would point out all the flaws in the ex until Raja felt better about it, they always showed up with killer hangover after those talks but the older woman always looked better and less down after yet another rejection when Raven was done with her.

But when Raja was the one to break it off she always went to Manila because Raven couldn’t see the point in getting sad over something you choose, for good reason, to call off. Manila knew that just because you were the one to pull the plug doesn’t mean you aren’t hurting and sad to see it gone no matter how bad things had become or how better in the long run the decision is.

If she is selfishly honest Manila sorta likes those post breakup hangouts they have, she likes the intimacy and closeness they bring to their friendship. Raja is not shy with her affection but she hardly is the most touchy person either so the younger woman relishes on those nights where Raja will curl her long limbs in her couch touching Manila’s side and resting her head on her shoulder, sometimes playing with her fingers or just holding her hand.

It’s good, Raja always smells like subtle spicy perfume and her skin is soft and impossibly warm at all times. It’s also very normal and very platonic. It’s not like how Katya will take any and every excuse available to touch Trixie even if for a few seconds, hands itching towards her every time they get together to discuss something or just casually talk, the blonde Russian cleaning her schedule for those meetings and pretending no one knows about it.

It’s not like that for Raja and Manila. If Manila rests her own head over Raja’s, well it’s just a comfort thing, and if she takes a deep breath so the other’s perfume is all she can smell, who can blame her? It is a good perfume.

So this time is no different from any other time. Raja shows up at her door, defeated expression looking so out of place in her angular features, Manila ushes her inside and they almost cuddle on the couch while some stupid comedy plays in the background.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She whispers softly even if it’s not necessary.

She feels more than sees Raja sighs.

“Not sober.”

“Gotcha.”

Manila nudges her a bit so she can get up already missing the warmth and rushing to her kitchen so she can find the wine she knows it’s Raja’s favorite. That’s another normal, completely platonic thing Manila does, keeping Raja’s favorite drinks and food around even if she isn’t particularly fond of it herself.

It’s not like she is like Shea who buys or makes tea for Sasha every time she gets coffee for herself, completely unprompted, just so she can have a excuse to go to her and chat for a few moments, smiling dumbly as the Russian smiles that bright kind smile of hers that could melt ice and melts Shea’s heart like butter. It’s not like that because Manila doesn’t go out her way to buy those things or uses them as an excuse to talk to her friend, she just buys it with her own groceries to keep it around if needed, and it’s good to have food your friend likes around right? Especially for moments like this!

Patting herself on the back for being such a prepared friend Manila goes back with two glasses and two bottles of wine feeling like one is not going to be enough. The smile that Raja gives her when she reads the label could make flowers grow. 

She pours them full glasses before sitting back on the couch, Raja automatically curling back into her side and even if her elbow is kinda uncomfortably pressed against her side and her hair is trickling her neck Manila would never make any movement or say anything to make her change positions. They drink in silence, finishing several cups before Raja lets out another long sigh.

“I broke up with her after a date. It just kind of hit me as we were leaving the restaurant that we spent basically the whole meal in silence, she kept looking at her phone and it didn’t bother me at all. We used to turn out our phones during dates.”

“I’m sorry Raj, falling out of love sucks balls but you know it was for the best for the both of you. It wouldn’t be fair to keep going like this, relationships shouldn’t be something you are having out of convenience, and hey now you both are free to find someone new.”

Saying those words leave a sour taste in her mouth, the idea of Raja once again going out on mindless dates with random women, falling in bed with them until one catches her attention enough for her to try yet again to have an actual relationship, is making her heart clench in her chest.

Platonically of course. 

Manila is simply tired of seeing her friend meet dead end after dead end and find herself on her or Raven’s couch drinking away the pain. It’s not like there is any hidden motive for that feeling, Manila knows herself, knows her own heart, if there was anything more than best friend concern she would surely know. It’s probably not different from what Jujubee and Raven feel for each other.

“It’s the same thing every fucking time Nila, it doesn’t matter if I’m the one dumping or the one dumped the reason is always the same we just fall out of love, for fucks sake why can’t i get regular messy breakups once in a while? Why can’t I get cheated on?”

“Why exactly would you want to get cheated on? I, just like every normal person, prefer clean breakups but you seem to think they are overrated.”

“Like you are anywhere near being normal Miss Pineapple Dress for a Fancy Work Party” Raja laughs lightly, Manila feeling it with her body

“That dress was fucking awesome and i will not be shamed for being a fashion icon ahead of my own time.”

“Whatever you say” The fond amusement in the taller woman makes her smile wider, allowing herself to relax even more against the warm body

“You still didn’t answer why somehow getting cheated on would be better than a nice clean breakup.”

“Because then i could explain why it happened, I could get mad at someone else because it wouldn’t be my fault.” Raja’s voice is softer than it was the whole night, barely over a whisper “You know why i got dumped last time? Because she said i was never really there, that i never allowed her to actually know me.”

Automatically and uncaring about the awkwardness of the position Manila throws her arms around Raja hating the way her voice sounds and hating the words even more. Maybe she is biased, maybe she isn’t really trying to put herself in the ex girlfriends shoes, but she just can’t phantom why anyone would say that about Raja of all people.

Her best friend is intense in all the best ways, she puts herself into everything she does to the point someone will eventually have to drag her away from her projects, she may look unapproachable and regal with her beautiful features and high fashion clothes but she is one of the biggest dorks Manila knows, full of passion and bad jokes. And yes she is a bit hard to know, it takes time to take her down her walls and see beyond the carefully crafted poise and sharp words, but she is worth every minute spent trying.

“And i guess she was right, i guess i do this all the time because it’s the same thing now, someone falling out of love with me because i wasn’t giving them enough. Maybe I’m just not meant for this.”

“This?” Manila tightens her arms around Raja like she is trying to squeeze that resigned tone away

“Love, relationships, the whole nine yards. Meaningless one night stands are clearly more of my thing since they are the one thing I can successfully manage.”

“That’s not true! You of all people shouldn’t be selling yourself this short you big idiot, you are amazing and people should be lucky to have a shot with you. You just haven’t found the right person yet.”

“Are you taking life advice from those stupid romcoms Vanessa is obsessed with? Because it sounds like it.” Her words lack the necessary bite to sound like a insult even if she snorts disbelieving and Manila slaps her chest without breaking the hug

“Okay edgy lord maybe you should watch one of those and lift your spirit because this talk is not like you at all.” 

She goes for a joking tone, poking Raja again but is glad the older woman can’t see her face and the way her brows are furrowed. This is new. Unfamiliar and uncomfortable in a way that those post breakups encounters never were, not even in the beginning of their friendship where Manila was still testing the waters and what worked with her friend. Raja was always sad, though she only cried twice in 10 years, and her smiles never quite reached her eyes even if they softened a little when Manila said something funny or ridiculous, but never like this, never truly defeated in this raw way. Raja hardly ever gets this low in her self esteem anymore and never about her love life and the fact that she is, is throwing Manila out of her loop, this is new territory.

“Maybe I should take a page out of Violet’s book and just give dating up altogether, she is young but is clearly into something.”

“Really? Because as far as i know if Violet wasn’t so open about how anti dating she is then either Pearl or Max would have totally already made a move and we wouldn’t have to watch them dancing around each other like that.”

“But that’s the thing, the problem with Violet doing it is that someone is in love with her and I think we have established that no one is in love with me.” And before Manila can say the obvious Raja beats her to it “And i don’t think anyone ever will.”

I am.

The thought almost makes its way out of her mouth before Manila stops herself, biting her tongue so hard she can taste blood.

It comes out of nowhere and everywhere at the same time, a certain that just overtakes her body and sets on her bones like it belongs there, like it was just laying under the superficie waiting to make itself known. Her breath catches on her throat and she must make some sort of chocked sound because Raja cranks her neck to look at her, sad eyes and soft smile making Manila want to scream.

“It’s okay Nila, don’t take me too seriously, I had a couple of shots before coming here so I’m just being drunk.”

Manila just nods, words stuck in her throat in fear of what will come out if she let them out, Raja sighs again and even in normal circumstances her words would not make the younger woman less worried, the excuse of drunkness not erasing the self deprecating voice and sad tired eyes, but now they just make her heart ache even more.

God. 

This is fucked up.

Fucked up and so, so right. 

Of course she is in love with Raja, of course there is nothing really platonic in a lot of her actions, in the way something ugly and heavy curls inside of her when Raja gets another girlfriend, in the way that her chest feel warm when Raja smiles at her in delight, how her laugh can light up her day, how her hugs can make the bad days look less dark, how having her arms around her feels good, how warm she feels in the places they are touching.

Manila thanks whatever deity is watching her that the realization stucks her when Raja is already drunk and half asleep, curling even more on the couch, letting her weight rests fully against Manila as her breathing gets deeper, and that she didn’t decide to lay down facing her because Manila doesn’t know how she would hide her reaction.

Karma is definitely a bitch she decides almost hysterically as her bitten tongue slowly stops bleeding.

This is karma for laughing at her friends, she is sure it is, what else can explain the universe punishing her with this? With those feelings? Clearly she cracked one too many jokes about Crystal and Gigi being oblivious, or rolled her eyes too much when watching Shea and Sasha, or Trixie and Katya, or maybe she snickered too loudly watching Vanjie and Brooke or maybe she gave Jinkx shit romantic advice or something she can’t even remember. Maybe, she muses, it’s a combination, all those little things piling up until karma decided to get her for them all at once and landed her in this mess.

She is in love with Raja.

Wonderful, clever, talented, beautiful Raja who struggles to maintain meaningful romantic relationships.

Raja who is one of her best friends. One who basically decided to give up dating 10 minutes ago.

What the fuck Manila is supposed to do now?

~~~~~~~~

Manila decides after a bad sleep night in an uncomfortable position in her not so soft couch that the best course of action is doing nothing.

She needs… She needs time to process this sudden epiphany, to analyze their interactions and her actions and try to pinpoint when exactly platonic friendship transformed itself into something she never expected or intended to, something she is too afraid to name. Gather her thoughts and her emotions in a more organized way than the panic and confusion of last night.

She also needs time for Raja to get over the breakup, again this is a familiar scenario and Manila knows what will happen, has watched as her friend tried to drown herself into work until the sting of another failed relationship disappeared multiple times and understand that is the worst possible moment to try to act on those…. feelings. If, and that is a big gigantic if, Raja takes her mind away from fashion for one second to seriously consider Manila’s hypothetical words there is the risk of being a rebound fuck, a distraction.

Manila is not sure of many things about those feelings but one that she knows with clarity is that she doesn’t want to be a one night stand, a band aid to help with loneliness, Manila is not that girl who will let herself be used as a mean to something else, she has more self love than that. She wants the real thing, the full experience. If she can’t have that she will not settle for scraps, her heart is not strong enough to deal with that.

So when her alarm blasts, too soon she laments as her eyelids seem to be glued shut and her brain protests that she sleep too little and too badly, she is relieved Raja choose to end things in a Sunday because that means Manila will have work to distract her mind and stop her from spending a day long pity party overthinking all her feelings like a lunatic. 

At least she hopes so.

Raja is already up and moving around in the kitchen by the time Manila drags her body away from the couch feeling places she didn’t know could hurt screaming in protest. Shit, she needs a better couch, she feels bad for letting her friends sleep in that now. The dark haired woman makes her way to the kitchen and is not prepared to have the air sucked out of her chest by the vision in front of her.

It’s ridiculous. It’s not something new, some groundbreaking scenario that she never got to witness, some hidden part of Raja that she didn’t know existed. It’s ordinary, familiar in a way that makes her insides all warm and fuzzy and that’s the problem.

It’s familiar, it’s domestic.

There is something in the way that Raja moves around her small kitchen making toast and sipping coffee from a bright yellow mug, clearly fresh showered with her hair still damp, not even pausing to think where things are or what ingredients Manila will have that is so right. It feels right to have her there, so comfortable and at peace in a place Manila considers so intimate, so personal. Raja looks at home and the domesticity of it makes something in Manila ache.

This is what she wants, she realizes, to wake up and find Raja sipping coffee or to wake first and make her something to eat or to spend a lazy morning together.

“Good morning sleepy head.” Raja says when she realizes Manila is there snapping the other back to reality “You know seeing how late you set your alarm I can totally understand how you are always late.”

“My alarm is set at the perfect time, it’s not my fault LA’s traffic is more unstable than Gia Gun’s eyelashes.” The answer comes easily and she thanks a higher power that she can act like a actual human around Raja

“Well maybe that’s a sign that you should set it earlier, it wouldn’t kill to arrive earlier in the good days.”

“And how would you know? I don’t think you even know your actual work hours anymore.”

“Raven told me” Raja smiles cheekily, sipping from her mug to hide it “Want me to make you some toast while you get ready?”

“Sure”

She says and does her best to not look like she is bolting the fastest she can because while it’s the truth it doesn’t mean she wants Raja to realize it. It’s the domesticy again, the easiness and calm that comes with having Raja there offering to make fucking toast like she belongs in her home.

Manila lets her forehead rest against the shower wall as the water falls on her back trying to get her shit together before she faces her best friend and new found love again. She will not freak out, she will not over analyze shit or stare like some sort of lovesick fool with no self control.

She is a grown up woman and she knows how to behave when she is attracted to someone.

At least that is what she tells herself and what she fails to do almost instantly. Because as Manila dresses herself she can’t stop thinking about the fact that Raja has clothes at her place. Clothes. And Manila has clothes at Raja’s place as well and that’s… that’s not really a really platonic thing is it? Manila doesn’t have a drawer full of her things in her parent’s house for fucks sake. 

This is karma she swears to herself, this is karma for laughing at poor airheads Crystal and Gigi for being oblivious, this is the universe getting back at her and making her the stereotypical useless lesbian who doesn’t even really she is in love and practically dating her best friend.

But at the same time she can’t help but wonder if that means something as big as she thinks. So they have clothes at each other’s houses and Manila doesn’t do that with anyone else, but what if that’s something regular with Raja? Does she leave things in Raven’s or Delta’s houses too? Is that something special they share or it’s just one of those Raja things that make Manila smile fondly when she thinks no one is watching?

Fuck, Manila is really turning into one of those people. She makes a sound of frustration in her chosen shirt, pressing the fabric to her face and trying to block everything but the pleasant smell of the shirt and take a few deep breaths to again get her shit together.

When she finally finishes her makeup and makes her way back to the kitchen she is ready to face the day and suppress her feelings like a normal woman. 

Things go smoothly after that and Manila shots down the voice in her mind whispering that that is a good sign, they eat among small talk and Raja mentions her breakup only once when she mentions her ex will go pick her things when she’s at work and she’s relieved they will not have to have another face to face conversation, Manila holds her hand and squeeze giving Raja her best comforting smile not letting go until the smile she gets in answer doesn’t look fabricated.

On the way to work their topic of conversation changes as they begin discussing their agendas for the day trying to squeeze a joint break. They don’t have many reasons to interact during work hours, Raja, along with Bianca, run their fashion department dealing with clothing most of their non model clients while Manila works exactly with the modeling section of the business and since both are high up on the hierarchy there is really not much leeway to go hang out at each other side of the building, having to settle for lunch wherever work allows them to leave at the same time.

“You want to go to that new Italian place down the block?” Manila asks as they get close enough to see their workplace towering among others

“Rain check.” Raja says as she twists her thick hair in a bun that somehow manages to look elegant rather than messy “Willam got a show coming up and i have to meet her to brainstorm concepts for the looks.”

“Oh… we can go after you finish?”

“We are meeting for lunch actually.”

“Right…” Manila kicks herself as soon as the word leaves her mouth, her disappointment so thick she can almost taste it and it’s fucking ridiculous

“We can go tomorrow if you like?”

“Maybe, we have a photoshoot tomorrow but it looks like Dahlia is sick and if she can’t make it i need to be there to find a quick replacement.” Ugh sometimes being the official problem solver sucks

“That’s okay we can just try again another day.” Raja smiles at her then, all white teeth and soft eyes, and her hand rests on her shoulder as if she can sense that Manila is unhappy

And maybe she can because if her face is showing half of what she is feeling then Manila is officially looking like a pooting teenager and that is not a flattering look on someone her age. Again she feels like screaming because the universe is clearly trying to rub her face in her own obliviousness about her own feelings, again this is not new, there were times they had to cancel lunch plans when the other was already seated because something urgent came up, and neither is the disappointment and mildly annoyance in her chest when she realizes she will have to spend a day without sharing a part of her day with Raja, but now, now that she is painfully aware of the exact nature of her feelings there is another layer to that disappointment that she was unaware of and doesn’t really like.

It doesn’t help that it’s Willam that Raja is going to meet.

Don’t get her wrong, Willam may be a diva and a pain in the ass, the cause of many tears on their PR department because of her crude and biting humour, but she is not the worst client they ever had and once you get used to her particular brand of vulgarity there is a lot of fun to have with her. But Willam is, above everything, a self proclaimed slut.

There is an ongoing joke that the reason she gets so many gigs as an actress in crime shows is because she doesn’t really have to act as a prostitute or young slut, she just has to be herself. Willam is very confident and very comfortable in her sexuality and Manila is actually impressed with that, she really is, but that doesn’t mean that she wants that energy around post breakup Raja right after Manila discovered she has more than platonic feelings for her.

It’s a receipt for disaster, well, actually it’s receipt for sex what in her books are exactly the same thing.

She forces that stupidity down as hard as she can. There is pinning and then there is suffering for imagining your… crush having sex with someone else and Manila is not going to be that person, she really isn’t. The younger woman sighs quietly and grips the steering wheel glad that Raja is too busy dealing with loose strands of hair to pay attention to her reactions.

“If i’m free tomorrow i will shoot you a text” She says going for a smile

“Great! I will keep my agenda free then.”

Manila’s heart totally doesn’t skip a beat.

She is so fucked.

[stina-is-a-punk-rocker]

‘always and forever, lara jean’: a bungled mess of my thoughts while watching the movie

Alright, cards on the table: I never finished reading the book. I got bored a couple of pages in, so I just read up the summary on Wikipedia and called it a day.

Not gonna lie, I expected better from the movies. I loved the first movie; it was cute, it was fun, it hit all the right places. The second movie was… eh. Jordan Fisher is cute, so that’s a plus.

And then we got the third movie; the final in the To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before trilogy.

And it was somehow even worse.

Maybe I’m exaggerating. Despite its shortcomings in the plot and character development-related departments (the fact that Lara Jean wrote addresses for letters she never meant to send is something that will bother me on my deathbed), the movies have their merits. They’re cutesy and charming and enjoyable, overall; movie-LJ is sweet and unashamedly a girly-girl, which is a refreshing change from the #NotLikeOtherGirls, pick-me girls and bruh girls we had in loads of other YA movies growing up. Peter’s pretty cute, too; he’s not a possessive freak like so many other love interests (The Kissing Booth, After, Anna and the French Kiss), and his and Lara Jean’s dynamic is cute, too. Not to mention- we finally have an Asian lead whose Asian-ness isn’t the whole focus of the story!

Again, maybe I’m being extra with all this. The series is, at its core, solely for entertainment purposes. Not every piece of media has to have an underlying message and you shouldn’t need to read between every goddamn line to find something worthy of enjoying. They’re certainly helpful for whiling away a couple of hours; perfect for bingeing with a pint of ice cream in hand, and all of this is in good fun.

Also, it goes without saying, but: spoilers ahead.

The film beings with Lara Jean scribbling a postcard to Peter while she’s in Korea with her family. The inclusion of that little snapshot of Asian culture made me so happy- seriously, fuck everyone who says diversity in media doesn’t matter. I’m not even Korean, and I was overjoyed at seeing a couple of scenes just from the same continent I’m on. The K-pop music in the background was a fun touch, too (although all Korean music isn’t K-pop, but that’s a rant for another day).

(Also: Blackpink has so many more suitable songs than Pretty Savage that go with the theme of the movies. Kill This Love in the second movie while Lara Jean is getting ready to go to her boyfriend’s match is bad enough- they’re supposed to be in love in that scene, goddammit.)

One thing that bothered me throughout the movies is how obviously non-Korean Lara Jean and Margot look. It’s like whoever chose the cast went for any random Asian- Lana’s Vietnamese and Janel Parrish is half-Chinese, and it’s so obvious. You seriously couldn’t find two Korean-Americans who even vaguely resembled each other so they could pass for sisters? The actresses do a stunning job and I don’t want to shit on them, but I just wish they didn’t go with the ‘all Asians look the same, what’s the difference?’ mindset.

Also, a nitpicky thing I’ve noticed in movies with characters who read a lot: no one holds their books up while they’re reading. Your arms start to cramp, which is why you keep your book in your lap while you’re reading, or you rest on your belly and hold the book in front of you. My spine and shoulders didn’t suffer years of torture as a chronic reader for you to include characters who hold their books up while reading.

A major gripe I have with Always and Forever, Lara Jean is how the characters are almost jarringly out of character- not from the books, but from the two previous movies, too. Lara Jean didn’t have much of a character to begin with, so I can’t say much about her (she dissed Oasis at one point; it’s okay for me to be mean to her), but the rest of them are either caricatures of themselves or just totally different people.

Movie Peter >>> Book Peter. He’s almost too perfect (except for the fact that he unironically loves The Fast and the Furious, which… ew), almost too much of the ideal boyfriend. Not that my perpetually single arse would know. How do boyfriends even work? I wouldn’t know the first thing to do with one; how often should you feed it? Do you need to take it on walks?

(In the notes I’ve written towards the end of the film, I’ve complained about Peter being immature and making Lara Jean feel bad about following her dream to go to NYU. He confuses me.)

Not to mention how distractingly adorable Noah Centineo is from some angles and under certain lighting conditions (other times, he reminds me of the human version of Shrek and that bothered me). King of weird Tweets and Instagram captions though he may be, he’s got a really nice smile, and his gravelly voice is both parts sexy and disturbing.

But I digress.

I’ll never forgive the directors for what they did to Kitty and Chris- two of my favorite characters, from both the books and the movies. Kitty’s annoying to the point of being borderline unlikeable- gone is the occasionally snarky comic relief we all came to love; in her place is an annoying brat whose every line comes out forced. Also, making soap is fun; fuck you, Kitty.

Chris is essentially Dixie D’Amelio’s character from that TikToker Grey’s Anatomy ripoff; the main character in One Direction fanfiction from 2012 who doesn’t want to go to the concert but her best friend gets a ticket for her so she can’t bail but Harry Styles sees her in the crowd and falls in love at first sight and 50k of mutual pining and misunderstandings late, they get together. She’s cynical and snarky and hates capitalism and consumerism and prom (because of course she does), but secretly, she’s into it (because of course she is). My guess is that she’s there to appease all the arseholes (including myself) who accused the characters of being too one-dimensional, but it seems too out of place in a movie that doesn’t have much plot to begin with.

I really, really hate how Lucas was done dirty- throughout every single movie. Of course, it’s Lara Jean’s story so not every side character has to be fully fleshed out- but you’d think three. entire. movies. would be enough to give Lucas a bigger role than the GBF and the token black guy for the diversity brownie points. Every single time Lucas shows up, it’s to push Lara Jean and Peter’s story forward. I would’ve liked to see a romance for him pushed forward instead one for Chris- especially because he says, at one point in a previous movie, that it’s hard to find other gay boys, so it would’ve been sweet to see him find love- and Chris’s character arc could’ve been focused on reconciling with Genevieve. Instead, we see the OG Reggie from Riverdale be the one to show Chris the bright side of monogamy, and Lucas gets a date to prom as an afterthought (another darkskin black dude, so no one thinks the film is racist).

Genevieve’s character in this movie gives me whiplash. Look, I’m all for girls supporting girls- healthy female relationships are something way too many YA movies lack- but she goes from bitch queen extraordinaire to friendly the moment the next scene calls for it. Her character isn’t consistent. A redemption arc should be executed cleanly and believably; you can’t have a character be a total prick one moment and then suddenly be, “Hey, if you get into NYU, let me know,” the next.

And Genevieve’s still an arsehole to Chris; at one point, in NYC, while they’re at the NYU campus grounds (I knew that Lara Jean was going to go to NYU the moment she saw all the banners; I fucking called it), Genevieve tells Chris, “University is for people who actually have a future,” and I recoiled. I’m not the nicest of people and yet that was going too far. Chris doesn’t hesitate to shoot back a, “You peaked in high school,”, but still. Y i k e s. You can’t convince me someone’s turned over a new leaf when they say something like that.

Lara Jean’s dad (forgot his name; gonna call him Dr. Covey) is as unremarkable as ever, and his new wife (forgot her name, too… Trisha? Trina? Eh, something like that) is… unsettling. I mean, I get that they’re all loved up and twitterpatted, but there’s something about all the smiling they’ve got going on that chills me to the bone.

Also, Trisha/Trina kinda looks like TikTok’s ThatVeganTeacher and it bothers me.

Another huge problem with this movie even being made is that the series never had enough plot to continue onto a trilogy. Lara Jean’s letters are what the plots of the first and second movies revolve around; the third only mentions them in passing. The final love letter from Peter was a cute callback, but there’s a massive continuity issue with the first two movies and this last one- both character and plot-wise.

Maybe I’m not articulating this clearly enough, so I’ll use an example: take Harry Potter, for example. Harry’s main goal throughout the series is defeating Voldemort. And it takes all seven books for him to get there, to finally achieve this.

Lara Jean’s goal in the first movie changes midway; from keeping up the façade with Peter so she can avoid the crap with the rest of the letters getting out, to making her fake relationship real. It forms a bridge with the second movie; the letter that went out to John Ambrose, and her dithering between Peter and perfection (I’m not sorry). But what does the third movie have to do with any of this?

There were way too many music montages. You couldn’t go five minutes without a random pop song playing in the background, and it was annoying as hell. Don’t Look Back in Anger was w a s t e d on this stupid film. The artsy scenery shots were even worse- no, I don’t give a fuck about the New York skyline or a bird’s eye view of whatever vehicle Lara Jean is in. A few shots of Seoul would’ve sufficed; the rest was overkill. This movie is way too damn long already (almost 2 entire hours!!!); cut out a couple of those. No one cares.

I thought they’d pull the whole Aladdin trope with character-A-keeps-trying-to-tell-character-B-the-truth-about-a-lie-B-believes-in-about-A-but-B-keeps-interrupting, but Lara Jean (typing her name out is annoying, why couldn’t she have a single name, like both of her sisters?) comes clean earlier than I expected. Peter’s reaction about LJ not getting into Stanford is… uncharacteristically mature? No “Why did you lie to me?”, no accusations, not an ounce of betrayal. Which I did not expect from a guy who’s a little bitch for the greater part of book one (I really don’t like Book Peter, in case you couldn’t tell). I know fuck-all about book three’s Peter, so I can’t tell if he really did adopt this mature, well-adjusted persona, or the movie did it to make Peter seem like less of a dick (like they did it with the sextape-that-wasn’t-a-sextape in the first installment).

On a sidenote, how do these main characters in YA books get into really good colleges with zero to no visible effort? These arseholes fuck around for the entirety of the story and have way too much going on to actually do schoolwork, but they waltz into Ivy Leagues at the end. And apparently, I’m not the only one bothered by this.

There’s something to be said about how the movies don’t really sexualize minors (characters who are minors, to be fair. None of the MCs look anything like teenagers), though. It’s almost weird to see them not getting drunk and partying and having sex all the time. Maybe that’s why Lara Jean trying to get her hand on Peter’s dick felt so stilted and awkward (I cringed so hard when she kept trying to touch him and he kept pushing her hand away, holy shit).

And the kissing. It’s to be expected from a romance film, but there was so. Much. Kissing.

The amount of product placements (… actually, I could count only two: Apple and a pair of Beats headphones Lara Jean puts on at one point, but the movie shoved so many iPhones in my face that I’m obligated to exaggerate) would’ve made anti-capitalist Chris mad.

I’m guessing this all takes place in a parallel universe, sans the coronavirus. Still, being in quarantine this past year and being socially awkward for every other one, it was agonizing seeing everyone so close together in NYC. When Peter kissed the ball (lol) (I have the sense of humor of a straight boy in middle school, don’t judge me) when him and Lara Jean go bowling, I had a visceral reaction. And what are the odds of Peter meeting his estranged dad at the very same bowling alley?

Speaking of Peter’s daddy issues (I’ve written “Hardin but diluted” in my notes; I watched this movie at, like, 1 AM; I’m not entirely sure what was going through my head at that point)- I hated how they guilt-tripped Peter into giving his father another chance. In the wise words of Hannah Montana, everybody makes mistakes- but leaving your wife and two kids for another woman is pretty far from a little oopsie on Mr. Kavinsky’s part. I don’t blame Peter for hating him, and I’m not in a place to judge whether Mr. Kavinsky (does he get a first name?) should be forgiven or not, but I feel like they let him off too easy and made Peter seem like a misunderstood teenager with anger issues for not accepting Mr. Kavinsky’s (crappy) apology at once.

And it adds nothing to the story at all; Mr. Kavinsky peaces out after having one (01) coffee with his firstborn, and he’s never seen again. If you’re going to introduce a subplot, make it tie into the main storyline- the very least you could do is make it an important enough part of the story to have more than 10 minutes of the run time. It makes no sense as to why they’d bring up Peter’s dad in this last film, when he’s already gone through two perfectly fine. I guess it was a ‘tying everything up’ part… even though no one cared.

Lara Jean’s handwriting is surprisingly ugly for someone who’s written that many love letters. And her styling took a definite nosedive; her outfits in the first movie were so effing cute, but now they’re just… meh.

There are so many conversations and lines that the writers must’ve thought sounded good enough for someone to type out the quote in curly font and slap it on a screenshot from the movie to post on Instagram, but when it comes to the actual delivery, they just sounded… weird.

Peter says one time near the beginning of the film, “You know what I’m looking forward to the most in college? Never having to say goodnight,” because he expects him and Lara Jean to get into the same college.

But I guess the word they should’ve used was ‘good-bye’, because this just makes him sound stupid.

At one point, Lara Jean asks Kitty how much Kitty’s gonna miss her when she goes off to college, and Kitty says, “A four.” Later on, she confesses, “I’m gonna miss you a twelve, Lara Jean,” and all I could think was, “But we’re endgame, Archie!”

(In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t let people know I’ve watched Riverdale; it lessons my credibility.)

Still, there remains some good to be found: all the baked goods looked very delicious and made me crave chocolate chip cookies. Peter wearing the socks Lara Jean gifted him at the beginning of the movie was a cute gesture, and Lara Jean giving Peter her teal hatbox? The one she kept her love letters in? Was so? Cute? Help?

And hey, it’s a cliché that’s been done to death, but I’m always a sucker for that part in movies where the girl walks down the stairs in a pretty dress with her hand on the banister and the boy turns around and his mouth falls open and all he can say is, “Wow,”- and this film did not disappoint! Not to mention how cute both Lara Jean’s and Chris’s prom dresses were.

Dr. Covey and Trisha/Trina’s wedding was cute, too- I struggled to decide whether Kitty wearing a necklace that says ‘feminist’ and a tux is a bit too on-the-nose, but I’ve decided that it’s nothing to get my knickers all in a twist about (for clarification: it’s not the necklace or the crossdressing that made me debate this; I just wish they didn’t make a big deal out of it- I wish they didn’t have Kitty and Lara Jean get into an argument about her not wearing a dress, if that makes sense?).

And the final letter- the one from Peter to Lara Jean- I ate that shit up; it was so, so, so cute.

In conclusion (why is it so easy for me to crank out 3k about my thoughts on a Netflix movie and yet when it comes to English Lit. at school, I’d stare at a blank sheet of foolscap for ages?), did I enjoy the movie? Not really. There were parts of it that I liked, but it was overall too boring and I kept wishing I’d watched the new SKZ Code episode instead every few minutes.

But that doesn’t mean that it was bad. I kinda feel a little sad, actually, now that Lara Jean and Peter’s story has come to a close; To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, the first movie, is one of my favorites, and bitch though I might about them, the kinda grew on me… like an innocent plant, at first, but then like a fungus. Not a parasitic fungus, just not mutualistic, either… kind of like a commensal.

Maybe I should stop with the biology similes.