#saw this @ my uni last may 2023

[fleurral]

this was one of the best, if not the best, sunsets i’ve ever seen in my entire life

[sencubussubs]

Unconscious Manifesting

hi lovelies!

something silly happened today that made me want to make a little post about unconscious manifesting.

firstly a quick explanation: What is Unconscious Manifestation?

well for this interpretation of manifestation we are taking it as the way our assumptions form the world around us. when you have a desire and decide to manifest it this is conscious manifestation. unconscious manifestation is basically what we do everyday without realising, where our dominant thoughts form and dictate the world around us.

This may be a bit of a complicated definition but this is just the background for the law of assumption - your assumptions form the 3D. Now a lot of the time when we are talking about unconscious manifestation we talk about becoming conscious of it and rewiring our dominant thoughts / assumptions to create a more favourable 3D that aligns with the versions of ourselves we want and choose to embody. Today i have a little anecdote of a fun/positive little unconscious manifestation that formed from a strong self concept.

One of the things i manifested last year (using a vision board and just affirming if i saw it on pinterest which wasn’t often) was those aesthetic sony headphones (the WH-1000XM4 ones? i’ll include an example from pinterest below:)

(photo by elia6k on pinterest)

However when i manifested this, it was before i had really learned not to settle for my manifestations, so a lot of them came in half baked, thus my sony headphones i got were black. for those wondering how it conformed in my 3D, i was looking for a HDMI cable in my parents’ office and came across the headphones in the closet. I asked my mom and she said she got them from work but never used them so i could have them.

The story about unconscious manifestation however took place today and the last couple days. I was writing up a list of all the things i had consciously manifested in 2023 in my journal, and remembered the headphones (i also manifested apple airpod pros and a gaming headset so i stopped using them). When thinking about them i was thinking about how they weren’t the colour i had wanted, i considered taking them with me to my room for uni and was debating if they would be useful or not and colour kept coming into my mind. After writing my post about not settling, i kept having random little thoughts about how i also shouldn’t have settled for the colour of the headphones but alas it was long ago and i didn’t use them.

Well low and behold today i went back home to visit my parents and see this on my desk:

i had unconsciously manifested another set of the headphones - and because i kept focusing on them being the wrong colour, got them in the wrong colour again haha.

I consider this unconscious manifesting because it wasn’t my intention to call in a new set of headphones, but my self concept has become so strong that if i want something (especially something i know i have manifested before) it comes to me this easily.

When i saw it on my desk it genuinely made me laugh a little for two reasons

1. realising how strong my self concept has become since last year and how quickly i - even unintentionally- manifested something

2. despite how far i’ve come, i’ve again allowed myself to believe i couldn’t get the colour i wanted.

It has definitely been a little lesson but i thought you guys would enjoy a real life example - with photo evidence - of manifesting at work - both conscious and unconscious.

that’s all for this post teehee.

EDIT 21-01-24 :

Officially have the grey/silver ones now haha, just because. Will add a picture when i feel like it.

love,

Saph

[theviridianbunny]

SCAPBOOKING - JUNE 2023

A collection of scans from my current scrapbook. Just a bunch of doodles, stickers and things that make me happy/ inspire me

notes/credits to follow under the cut:

AGHHH HI IT'S BEEN FOREVER SINCE I'VE DONE ONE OF THESE!!

a few credits and notes:

WOW - what a fun few months it's been - Not really done too much work on this scrap boom for a while (just because my brain is always in 50 places at once ahaahah!!) - had a few problems the with the scanner at my local library again (but it was still fun trying it out !!) - i am aware a few of the pages look rather... blank - I may go back and add to them soon- I think today it was just a "oH MY GOD I NEED TO GET SCANS DONE AHDHJHDFDHFJD !!!" and I BATTLED WITH THE SCANNER AND SCRAMED A LITTLE INTERNALLY BUT HERE WE ARE--- WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

prited out a few of my fave jackie / viridian screenshots- also a few solo shots of my best girlie !! also went mad with stickers because you can NEVER have too many of them !! also collected the cinema tickets from when i saw john wick 4 and across the spriderverse ~

hand written note on the first page is from my dear friend bluefayt (linked her caard) - above that is a picture of me from comic con last year (taken by my fantastic irl bestie @withoutyouimsaskia <333 i love you aaaaa - we saw a bunch of star wars cosplayers and this person cosplaying as darth vader was posing for photos - they LARPed with me for a moment anf that photo was taken mid LARP - oh what an experice that was ~) sorry if you cant see it very well because of the damn contrast settings (tried to edit the scans but they ended up looking worse... so just posted the raw ones!!)

The xfiles tea packet is from @beastlybeverages !! I bought a pack of the xfiles themed tea last year after going to comic con - its a tea I really really enjoyed !!

The fith page - on the right - the postcard with the black and pink squares !! thats some serious art but my irl bestie Tim (aka 1710.film) - the post card was from an exhibition that happened when we were both at uni!!! Tim is not on tumblr- but please do check out his work- He is a photographer / conceptual artist - and one of my best dearest and lovely friends <3 you can find him on intagram here

sticker of the iron bull on page 4 is by @seonysketches - the manga ladies on pages 4 , 6 and 7 are by @pinkapplejam (find her esty here) - most of the other stickers i just had laying around - or picked up random packs in charity shops !! post cards and art cards too !! i found a whole pack of fairyloot(?) prints in a charity shop for like £2.49 and was like YOOO NEED - the art on the first pahe on the left side is of one of the main characters from these violent delights by chloe gong (WHICH I AM HOPING TO START READING SOON AGHHHH!))))

ugh um if you're at the end if this rammble your're the real mvp - thank you for coming to my ted talk wooOOOO !!!!!!!

[soggypotatoes]

woah, a tag game!! it's been years lmao, thanks @allegory-buried for the tag!! you're a beautiful person ^-^

🎉 Have any New Year's Resolutions?

find a cloud that looks like a dragon (AKA, be more mindful of my surroundings and the world - the task itself is to give me a specific goal and gamify it a bit!) also, to paint/draw as many pigeons/doves as possible

🎉 What are you looking forward to next this year?

uni! i really enjoyed my first year of uni last year, and this year i'm picking interesting subjects. i'm also looking forward to throwing myself a bluey themed birthday party, complete with all the fun kids party games!! sometimes you gotta... what's the point of nearing thirty if you can't throw yourself fun kids parties???

🎉 One wish you'll have for the stroke of midnight

lol this is for new years', i just realised. i only just saw the tag lol but i'll keep answering anyway. my wish was that my friends and i could continue to foster our connections to each other and grow closer, and that my loved ones will isolate themselves a little less

🎉 New Year's Traditions

i first hung out with one of my best friends on new years (we'd hung out a bunch prior, but this was the first time we'd hung out just us and became close). my tradition is to spend the night with them (and anyone who joins us, this year my housemate), and we time a song to play an important part at midnight and dance around. this year we played 'i am ken' lmao

🎉 One thing/memory you'll miss from this year

in a weird way.. i'll miss hospital stays? i spent uh.. most of the last 2 years in psychiatric hospitals, with the last long stay being in may last year. i've broken out of the state where i needed to be kept safe for months at a time, but there's something definitely missable in that. i miss where i was in that last stay, where i was better than i'd ever been in hospital, talking with the nurses and the other patients and being somewhere i knew very well. i'm so glad things are better now, but.. it was cozy there.

🎉 One reason you're glad the year is over

i mean, i spent new years the year before in the psych ward and it was a nightmare. i'm glad i've moved past that era of my life, and i'm glad to know i'll never be where i was in early 2023 again.

🎉 Mutuals that made your year

im nervous about tagging people, esp since it's over a week since new years LOL (i would tag if i hadn't seen this 5 days late), please tag me if you post yours cause mutuals i love seeing bits of ur lives on here :)

[fairytalesandfandoms]

anyway, some backstory for recent posts

Surpising emotions about rediscovering an old interest

under a cut because 1) length 2) Homestuck is mentioned and I get the impression some people don’t like it very much.

Let us turn back the clock to spring 2008. I was in high school and my Standard Grade exams were just a couple of months away. I had a lot of favourite media, but relevant to this story are examples such as: Treasure Planet, Dan Brown books (which I have definitely left behind in that era, but for a while they were definitely A Thing in my brain), Operation Red Jericho by Joshua Mowll, The Mummy, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Pirates of the Caribbean and Indiana Jones. Hopefully you’re sensing a theme here: I would absolutely devour anything with an adventure/mystery combo, especially if it involved codes, maps, riddles, secret organisations etc. And one day, probably a weekend afternoon, we switched on the TV to find this film was on.

And that film... was National Treasure. And surpise surprise, during the scene inside the Charlotte (and over the course of the rest of the film) I got attached to Ben Gates like a limpet.

Things then followed a pattern which had already become very predictable in my life. I liked a character, which then quickly merged into liking an actor (in this case, Nicolas Cage) and of course then Special Interest Brain dictated that I then had to watch as many of his films as I could. Over the next few years I saw... pitifully few of them, now I’ve finally got up the nerve to look on IMDb, but enough to make it a thing (6 before I went off to uni). Unfortunately, because I am notoriously bad at keeping my interests to myself whether I want to or not, my family inevitably finds out within, like, a week of any new obsession, which as a teenager embarrassed me very greatly (and still does a bit). My mum did try to relate to me with such things (she even got my dad to watch one of the National Treasure movies but I don’t think he was that bothered about it tbh), but that usually only made me awkward because I was watching things with my mum and it was embarrassing.

My Nicolas Cage-watching would get one last hurrah in 2010, when I went to see the university film society’s screening of Kick-Ass in freshers’ week. Again, obsessed. Obsessed enough to go as Hit Girl for Halloween that year, but we all know the drill by now - the highkey messed-up (but my kind of messed-up character, with a tragic backstory, incredible combat skills and a cardigan) Damon Macready was really the blorbo of choice.

But what happened then? Why did I go from this high point to trying to avoid mentioning Nicolas Cage as much as possible? Two words: ‘the’ and ‘internet’.

I was already aware that some of Cage’s films were, to put it bluntly. not great. I had felt the cringe a bit even as a teenager, but I soldiered on. However, when I discovered social media and other similar websites, all the memes and jokes and so on made me even more embarrassed about it, and I felt like no one should ever know because I was worried that then even people whose opinions I respected would just laugh at me and tell me I had no taste, and other things of that nature. Some of those jokes were probably exaggerated for comic effect, but I’m really bad at judging tone and to me they read as straightforward mockery or dislike.

Fast-forward to 2023, a week or two ago. I have just moved to a new flat and have no wifi yet. But clever me thinks “ah, but I have the Unofficial Homestuck Collection saved to my laptop, which requires no internet, and the whole new-job-new-flat hassle means I did get behind on my routine catch-up reading. Let’s do that.”

Those of you who are familiar with Homestuck probably knew where this was going as soon as you read the word in this post. For those of you who don’t know, one of the main characters in Homestuck loves the movie Con Air. It’s referenced at least a few times (I’ve just started Act 5, so there may be more to come). There’s one scene (pp. 1660-1666, CW for some ableist language on the last page) that just really made me emotional because it connected this film with the friendship of two of the characters, and it was like a switch was flipped back on in my brain. Or more like pulling down one of those giant switches they pull down to give electricity to Frankenstein. I felt like I had gone through the cringe and come out the other side. I had to watch Kick-Ass and I had to watch it now. Or at least as soon as I got a free two-hour block of time. 

And then after a few days of reliving autumn 2010 (complete with Lady Gaga songs), I had to watch National Treasure. And I vowed that as soon as I got wifi I would watch The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, which I had made myself avoid when it was first out. And now I have. I’m not quite on Javi’s level, because 1) I don’t have Javi’s budget and 2) I would have drawn the line at the sequinned cushion. But let me tell you, teenage me would have gone absolutely feral at that movie. I probably would’ve felt like I shouldn’t be allowed to watch the sauna and pool scenes, for a start. (Thankfully, I’ve become more chill and less wound-up about that sort of thing, relatively speaking.) But god, I had to really get up my nerve to make that ‘what is the internet’s opinion’ post. Now I’ve done that, and gone to the tags in a roundabout way by searching for related movies first and then tag-hopping, it’s a lot less scary. I even managed to look up IMDb, and ignore my brain shouting ‘THE SEARCH ENGINE WILL JUDGE YOU’.

So, my Nic Cage obsession is back “not that [it] went anywhere” (yes, that’s a reference to The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent). More to come, if I can find good content. Unless he gets overtaken by Good Omens

And in the spirit of the aforementioned Homestuck character, I leave you with Rosie, referencing a story I haven’t finished reading and a film I have never seen (YET. BUT SOON).

[fangirlinglikealoon]

Hi fangirlinglikealoon 🤗, where I am from we have this tradition of putting our shoes out on the evening of the 5th of december, and in the morning of the 6th of december they are filled with little presents by the Nikolaus (like candy and stuff). I wanted to bring this tradition to my tumblr friends 🖤 and so I come to your ask box bringing a 🥾. In there are 4 little presents for you...

1) a pair of cozy socks 🧦

2) your favorite candy 🍪 🍫 🍬 🍭

3) your favorite hot drink ☕️

4) all the love I can fit in a 🥾! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤🤍🩶🩷

And there is also a note with a question: If you want to, please share a happy memory you have of 2023?

I hope wherever you celebrate anything this month or not, you have a wonderful last month of the year! 🖤

- 🦋 wearing a santa hat

How sweet of you to bring that tradition on here this way 🥺🖤 Thank you for giving me a shoe with such lovely presents! 🙏😊 I hope you have a wonderful last month of the year too! 🖤 One of my fave happy memories is from May and it kinda combines two cool things that happened this year. My friend and I were planning a trip to London over the phone when I found out that I got into an university! We had talked about going to London for months and the idea always was to go during autumn. When we found out about Lost Society's UK tour we decided to combine the trip with the London gig. I've dreamt of going to see a band that I love play abroad for years so it was a two birds, one stone kind of situation.

I was already happy about the trip and my gig dream turning into reality but while we were planning I opened my email to get some needed info for the trip and I saw a new email saying congrats you've been accepted into the uni! I got even more happy and I think I squealed quite loud, my poor friend's ears must have hurt a bit 😅 I can clearly recall the joy I felt at that moment. Sometimes reading your email can end up being one of the happiest moments of the year 😂

[itsmemateinnit]

2023 fic summary

This year was a record year for me in terms of the amount of fics I posted, so I thought I'd do like last year and post a summary here :)

2023 Year of the OTP fics:

Title: Whenever I look at you... Summary: Snapshots of Chandler observing Kent through the years Word count: 2409

Title: The Roll of the Sea Summary: Despite merfolk being a folktale, Kent is convinced he saw one, and he becomes fixated on finding it again. Word count: 4928

Title: For Honour Summary: Kent is compelled to defend Chandler from his mean dinner partners. Word count: 3061

Title: A Budding Relationship Summary: Kent thinks he and Chandler have been on a date. Chandler doesn't. Word count: 2501

Title: For Dog's Sake Summary: An unplanned addition to the household puts a strain on Chandler and Kent's relationship. Word count: 5440

Title: April showers bring May flowers Summary: Chandler and Kent get stuck at a bus stop during a heavy downpour. Chandler let's something slip that he shouldn't have. Word count: 5516

Title: In the Middle of Nowhere With You Summary: Their car breaks down leaving Chandler and Kent stranded on an empty road surrounded by fields Word count: 3038

Title: The Time We Never Had Summary: "He hadn’t even left yet, and Kent hungered for more company. He hadn’t realised how starved for human connection he’d been until this very moment where the stories of people trapping someone for company suddenly made sense to him." Word count: 8513

Title: Take Care Summary: Kent takes charge so Chandler doesn't work himself to death. The team helps. Word count: 2445

Title: An Ace Epiphany Summary: Miles can no longer look at Chandler giving Kent hearteyes, but when he confronts him about it, it leads to Chandler discovering something about himself. Word count: 3210

Title: Harmonious Summary: Chandler joins the band as their new manager Word count: 10946

Title: Squire's Quest Summary: Kent goes on a daring quest to rescue sir Chandler from the arch devil Iver Word count: 8202 (A choose your own adventure inspired by the fighting fantasy books)

Other fics I wrote throughout the year:

Title: Here's a Health to the Company Summary: Joe finally gets to meet Emerson's best friends from uni. Word count: 8192

Title: Break Summary: Kent gets abducted and the team has 5 days to find him before it's too late. Word count: 7810 (A remake of my first Whitechapel fic)

Title: Guardian Angels Summary: Kent is captured by the Krays as revenge for Jimmy's "boy" disappearing Word count: 4861 (First fic I've written as part of a gift exchange)

[grave-the-demon]

fav movies i watched for the first time this 2023! tagged by @rabbitmotifs hehehehe

i acc started my letterboxd account this year so up until may im gonna have to fuckin cast my mind back (or look at my instagram story for what i was prattling on about that month)

january: Bullet Train (2022)

february: Night of the Creeps (1986) IRREPARABLE DAMAGE TO MY PSYCHE. PLEASE WATCH THIS FILM

march: i was not watching any films in march apparently. i was sooo Succession brained that month

april: Saw (2004) THATS CRAZY ACTUALLY. APRIL?? UHUH the passage of time...

may: Ravenous (1999) YEAH THIS FILM. YEAH.

june: Asteroid City (2023) god this film shook me to my core

july: The Babadook (2014) swore i wouldn't cry, cried at THE LAST LINE

august: Reservoir Dogs (1992)

september: The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar (2023) didnt watch a lot of new things in september (that uni grind)

october: Possession (1981) god this FILMMMM

november: Parasite (2019) i know i know, im late to the party OR Braindead (1992) i loved this film so muchhh

december: Heavenly Creatures (1994) literally just watched this film, its SO GOOD. but ya, time for this one to change, my watchlist is long and my heart is full

eeeeee i guess i will tag @paintedvanilla and @load--star as the only people other than holly i follow on tumblr and letterboxd haha!!

[owlispls]

Me: why is April the hardest month for me for the past few years?

The past few years in April: 2018 and before: also some bullshit happened, a lot of me feeling stuck, not coming out of the closet until late 2017, not feeling like I am living /my/ life…

2019: working a job I hate, being yelled at by customers all day long, having to end a relationship that was absolutely sweet and lovely but our schedules and lives didn‘t fit (like at all ;w;)

2020: the fucking panini happening, lockdowns… while firsthand witnessing the death of my stepdad, who we worked hard to give him some nice last weeks

2021: being overworked and the first time mentioning that I can‘t live like this anymore, to soon having to give up the little job I truly loved having on the side, which made me feel appreciated in that time

2022: getting unlawfully fired after a huge burn out flare up in January due to my adhd and asd being ~ignored~ for 28 years.

2023 me: „oh. It‘s trauma-birthday month!“

This year feels like everything is changing for the better, tho? Met a friend I admire a lot. Saw Hayley Kiyoko live, got to hug her and we threw compliments at each other. I got to be an admin of her discord server…?!?! Planning for pride events, one year on adhd medication-milestone, I get to have some of the deepest connections with someone I feel really close to (without feeling unworthy of it), finally starting project work back up after uni burnt the hell out of me, hopping into my first „after uni“-job next to freelancing (I am working with so many wonderful people ;W; 🧡)

____________

Feeling better, may be forever? Big wide open space to try. I don‘t have to be on the top to see!

Hayley Kiyoko – panorama

[inkofamethyst]

July 24, 2023

Learning, learning, learning, learning, learning. Learning how to let go of things I can't control. Learning that not having control doesn't mean the thing will turn out badly. Learning, learning. Relinquishing, slowly.

I am the youngest of my cohort. Straight from undergrad. That doesn't necessarily bother me on its own (it means I'll have cool people to look up to and learn from!!), but I think one of the major disadvantages is that, as much as I try to hide it, I don't really have "real world experience." There are several lessons about creating personal boundaries and asserting myself in appropriate times and knowing when to just keep quiet and so many other soft skills like that which I'm still learning. Sure, I learned a lot in undergrad, but I also experienced a significant chunk of undergrad under the shadow of covid. Indoors, avoiding people. So I try to carry myself as an adult but when I make a mistake along the lines of those lessons it makes me feel like a child.

The trouble with moving, for me, is that I sometimes look for things that I hope I'll start to use in my "new life" which ultimately just leads to bloat. Maximalism is cool and all but only up to the point that everything has a real, unimagined purpose (even if that purpose is just decor; uplifting the spirit is a real and unimagined purpose (which is 1000% why I will be looking for fake plants to sit all around the place)). So for me, I've had the urge to look into a few makeup items and I'm also thinking about purses and shoes all of which I've generally been pretty minimal with for the past several years. And I mean it's not like I'm looking to go full beat-faced or whatever it's called, but maybe just some items to.. gently accentuate certain features. Like my eyes, or something. I dunno. I think I am In The Mood to Buy right now because, starting September, I'm going to have to start actively keeping track of my money. I know buying things before moving is generally a poor idea, but I'm just gonna handwave all that advice away. I'll be fine. I'll go back to being fairly frugal a month or so into paying my own bills, I'm sure of it.

As much as I'd love to live alone for a year or two or three down the line (an old friend from way way back is doing a PhD in a less expensive city and whatever her stipend is has netted her an incredible solo apartment), I don't know if that's going to be feasible to do in my city, even if I managed to save a little. It's not even like I need a ton of space or anything (nor do I want a dump shoebox), but living within a reasonable walking distance to the uni (which I'd like to do for the first two years, at least, to be close to classes) is not cheap. I'd have to move fairly far out to get a place within my budget. Maybe maybe maybe.

My Enterprise-D model should be here soon and I'm so anxious about it. Assuming it comes in good condition, it's going to look so good next to my globe. Since I probably can't drill holes in the apartment, I'm thinking about getting a desk hutch or a teeny shelving unit or a desk with attached shelves where I can display the globe and starship and fake plants next to some of the books I plan to have (mostly academic). I think I may try to thrift some bookends.

Saw Across the Spiderverse in theatres and man that was a good movie. The plot, the characters, the animation, the music, the ~cameo~, all fantastic. [edit: not just fantastic, but it felt like a breath of fresh air to the superhero genre, so comic-book-y, just lovely] I'm excited for the next one!!!

Today I'm thankful that this is the last week of this class. I calculated my hourly rate based on the amount of time I spend on this class and the flat rate stipend I get, and it's over $25 an hour!! Last winter I'm sure I spent more hours prepping, but now that I sort of know what I'm doing, it feels like a breeze in comparison.

[aluynx]

sunday 9th july, 2023. rant. not coherent.

this past may i completed my first year of university, studying english literature with creative writing at some russell group university that costs too much to travel to. i moved back home and since then the only people i have seen on a regular basis are my own parents, the dogs and my next door neighbour. i had a job as a waitress for three shifts before they managed to decide i wasn't good enough and i am waiting to hear back following an interview for a night shift at a supermarket. a job i jokingly stated would be perfect for an autistic person such as myself, only for my potential employers to tell me that most of the night time employees were in fact on the spectrum. it seemed typically autistic for me to go after something that could worsen my sleep schedule even further, but cure my habit of spending 24/7 in the flat above my parents garage alone and earn me money, but without the prying eyes of customers.

under the guise of 'protecting my peace' and not wanting to interact with the two people my age in the tiny hamlet i call home, i have been rotting in my flat. alone. wasting away. i liked not being perceived but took offence to, with a few exceptions, no one reaching out and speaking to me. i had no motivation nor reason to leave so i haven't really, except a dog walk on the beach every two days.

since i last saw my friends i have greatly improved by spanish speaking skills, expanded my bitlife universe, rewatched sherlock for a million times, gotten obsessed with formula one again, read, written, argued with ticketmaster (the shittest customer service known to man) and earned money doing odd jobs around my parents house and garden. i've learned to cook more food, properly deep clean, train a new puppy and discovered i am not a creative genius. i feel i have learned a lot about myself in my solitude the past couple of months, moreso then during uni surrounded by people, yet i feel so unfulfilled, lazy and pathetic. i am not sure where to go from here.

i am aware i know more about myself then other people my age, from the amount of time i've been left alone with my own internal monologue, yet i can't help but feel like i'm constantly lagging behind in life. i have been trying so hard to catch up. i started getting up earlier, created a proper skincare routine, i've been making myself salads and forcing myself to chug at least two bottles of water a day. i have been organising my clothes and books. learning new things about random topics. i am trying to conform to what i am meant to be to be seen as productive, yet i feel just as tired and out of sync as before. i scroll online and see all that everyone else is doing but i forget that everyone who hasn't posted that day probably feels the same too. but i don't understand them, they think i'm weird, so i won't reach out them and they won't think of me. still i rot in my room and the sun burns me through my open window and here i will lie in my room until september comes, until i move into the house with my friends i think hate me, pay rent that costs too much, and grieve over lost time i know i wouldn't have spent any differently. rotting is easier then being seen or known by other people.

[recaffeine]

4/14/2023

Even to this day, I couldn't label them as the villains of my story. They were good people too. They just had their own monsters that they were facing. They were hurt in numerous ways in their teens and 20's. Yesterday, I realized that what they did was cruel and and there were no excuses. I had spent so much time defending their actions and honoring their memory that I did not spend time looking at the wounds they had inflicted upon me. They were my friends, but they were also monsters in that very moment too. I had to accept that fact. I saw such good in them for so long and was their pillar of support. I was imperfect, but I loved them through it all. I know I did.

Nowadays, I see them and they look so scared still. They look lost. They look like life has not been kind to them. More than anything, and I hope they find people that can truly love them for just them. Something that goes beyond just regular bonds. Closeness that can reach their hurt soul and help finish what I wanted to do. I wanted to be there to support their happiness.

It is 2023 and a lot has happened since 2020. There has been monumental shifts. I am sorry to those that I hurt along the way. I was just trying my best to live in this world with what the universe gave me. There is so much hurt in my soul, but what lies right next to is love. This year, I journeyed to my hometown of San Jose. I showed my love the places I used to run around. I showed her my favorite treats that I enjoyed as a kid. We enjoyed the sunset with the Golden Gate Bridge in the distance.

A month later,I went to Vietnam and it felt like a solo trip. I was able to express my adoration to my best friend one last time. I learned about the lore of my past's past. I was able to spend time with my parents. I came back to my motherland as a young educated man holding the highest level of education: a doctorate. I held success in the palm of my hand and was welcomed by my kind extended family. They showed me Vietnam customs and overall helped me heal in ways they may never truly understand. I reflected upon my first trip of Vietnam. I would describe it as introspective more than anything. I was left to my own thoughts and I'm happy to say that I was able to learn how to enjoy my own company. However, I hope the next time I go back, I will celebrate it with my love and best friends too.

I'm going to be 30 in a less than 2 months now. I also went to New York at the end of March with my love and my best buds, I celebrated the conquering of my 20's over AYCE A5 wagyu, the best pizza in my life, truffle and Uni, caviar and hokkaido oysters. I am grateful to my parents for helping me to be successful. I've come a long way from being just a trailer kid. The neighborhood I live in has the greenest grass and the most beautiful blue sky that overlooks it. It's paid off from all the 12 to 16 hour shifts that I used to do. My life is still imperfect and there are things I need to do. There is just.. a sense of courage that I carry now. I glide along with the currents of the unknown river of life with a lighter heart.

I still hurt sometimes. I'm still sad sometimes. I'm still angry sometimes. I'm still afraid sometimes. I still love quite deeply. Most importantly, I still move forward. I still smile as I stare at the eyes of the monsters along the way. I related to Iron Man a lot for most of my 20's. I'm glad to say that I can end it with Captain America ideals. This is my end game. I have a best friend I can trust. I have a girl who loves me deeply. I have friends that truly support and don't judge me. My family tries their best still to be there. My career is sustainable and my creative work journey begins. All is well and I'm so grateful.

[userjungkook97]

every month of 2022

i managed to forget this in my drafts because the beginning of the year was so busy for me but here it goes ✨

i was tagged by @eggjinnie and @userhobi, thank you for that my loves, and specially for always putting such good content in my dash <3

link your favorite and/or most popular post(s) from each month of the last year:

january: most popular: bts x chakho making film favorite: 7 fates of chakho animation - i had never giffed anymation before and it was so fun to do that

february: most popular: bts x naver webtoon making film favorite: bts 101 religion aka jungkook as jesus - this was really one of the first posts i saw when i joined bts fandom and this was so fun to do and makes me laugh until this day. i had to learn a lot about transitions but it was a nice experience.

march: most popular: jimin's outfit from ptd seoul d1 favorite: jungkook's outfit from ptd seoul d1

april: most popular: jikook head bump and giggles during ptd vegas popular: maknae line polaroid during lgo

may: most popular/favorite (since i only made one hehe): jikook comp for me meeting rafa that week

june: most popular: maknae line x dfesta favorite: 9 years with bts - cried a lot doing this while listening to for youth and yet to come on loop bonus: monochromatic butter performances - i had a lot of fun doing those because i just kept going back to watching the videos alksdjak

july: most popular/favorite: jikook in the memories 2021 preview - this was when i started changing the sharpening and colouring to my current style, so i experimented more with this one hehe

august: most popular: namkook comp for jk's bday countdown favorite: jungkook in the soop 2 - he's so important to me, how could this not be my favorite? its2 was just coming out when i started stanning bts so there's a soft spot in my heart for it

september: most popular: jimin in 2020 favorite: jimin in the soop 2 - i mean, obvious reasons

october: most popular (and one of the favorites): jimin's comforting words - i did this during one day i was needing it so much, and i always turn to this when i'm sad hehe favorite: jimin in gcf bonus: jimin with puppies and kitties

november: i took a break from giffing during this month after 2 consecutives bday countdowns

december: most popular/favorite: joshua bday post - i only made this one, but it was super fun to start giffing for another fandom

lets hope for more edits in 2023 (so far failing because uni won't let me have fun!!!!)

[surveysonfleek]

478.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 22

2001. Can you believe that we have only gotten through two fifths of this survey so far? i guess. it’s taking forever lol. 2002. What is your opinion of Dave Coulier? no opinion, i just remember him as the comedian on full house. 2003. If you were to a write a Choose Your Own Adventure book, what would it be about? a mystery. gone girl style. 2004. What was your best find from a flea market, garage sale, ebay or thrift store? an analog camera i bought last minute for a project at uni years ago. oh and board games lol. 2005. What do you not have enough money for right now? a vacation.

2006. Do you believe that Teras for Fears were right when they said, "Everybody wants to rule the world?" not really. some people are happy conforming. 2007. What is the design on your beach towel? pink stripes. 2008. What stirs something deep and animalistic inside you? i get really shitty easily at rude people. 2009. Have you ever cross dressed (even as a joke)? nope. 2010. Do you own anything with a rainbow on it? probably. i’ve always wanted those rainbow nike vapormaxes but i’ll never get them, they were limited edition. 2011. What would be the worst object for a child to take on a long car ride with you? any musical instrument. 2012. What's the Best Beatles song in your opinion? i don’t have a fave. 2013. Why do you suppose that diary sites are more popular with females than males? i don’t think they’re popular at all now. 2014. What do these color combinations remind you of: orange and pink: summer. pink and green: watermelon. green and gold: australia. purple and gold: lakers. gold and red: a throne. red and white: where’s wally. blue and grey: the ocean. 2015. What is one selfish thing you tend to do? make everyone i love drive me around. i hate driving. 2016. When do you think technology will catch up with the Jetson's? possibly within my lifetime. 2017. What made you laugh today? people at work. 2018. Do you ever stick your entries in any of the diary circles? no. 2019. Can you freestyle rap? no. 2020. Are you: stylish? not really. shiek? chic? nah. smart? i’d like to think so. 2021. Do you find you self only buying brand name products? i do but not all the time. i’m the type of person that likes to try all brands and see what works for me. 2022. Would you ever want to buy an article of clothing or an acessory because you saw a celebrity wear it? yeah. 2023. What song do you feel the sexiest dancing to? pony - ginuwine haha. 2024. Who do you know who looks silly when they dance? my boyfriend’s brother. 2025. Sweaty sex or clean sex? both. 2026. Which is more important to you: being kind or being right? being kind, but only to people that deserve it. 2027. Can you do any special dances like swing, tap, or ballroom? nope. 2028. Are you scared of monsters? no. 2029. Who would you like to remind people of? no one. 2030. Do you walk to school or do you bring your lunch? i don’t go to school. 2031. Rate your skills from one to ten (10 = you are the best at it): socializing: 7. making friends: 6 unless i force myself to be more social. working with computers: 6. arts: 5. crafts: 5. depends what it is. dancing: 3. skating: 1. talking other people into things: 9. writing: 3. living life to the fullest each day: 3. cooking: 5. gardening: 1. cleaning up after yourself: 7. playing poker: 7. surviving in the woods: 1. managing your time: 9. attracting the opposite sex (or same sex if you prefer)? 2. 2032. Have you ever been to an indian reservation? no. 2033. What is going to happen tommorrow that you can celebrate, even if it's a little thing? it’s halloween tomorrow. i won’t be celebrating though. 2034. Do you save things for special occasions or is everyday a special occasion? i save things. 2035. What is one thing you are terrible at: saving. 2036. What's your favorite: rap song: money ain’t a thing: jermaine dupri and jay z. country song: idk. industrial song: idk. cover song: all i ask (adele cover): bruno mars. punk song: i’m real: the starting line. odd song: bodak yellow: cardi b haha. 2037. What do you get your teacher or your boss for the holidays? nothing. 2038. Do you like to read books by Virgina Wolfe? never read any. 2039. What is your favorite tv show from when you were a kid? arthur. 2040. What is now proved was once only imagined. - William Blake. What do you imagine? the future. 2041. What has been passed down through at least two generations to you? a gold necklace. 2042. Do we live in a particularly bad age for romance? not really. 2043. Have you ever cheated on someone? no. Do you believe that once someone is a cheater they can never be trusted? in my mind, yes. 2044. Have you ever gone: christmas caroling? no. pumpkin picking? no. on a hay wagon ride? no. on a romantic valentine's day date? yes. to a new year's eve party? yes. to a memorial day parade? no. to the Macy's thanksgiving day parade? no. to search for gold coins on st patrick's day? no. 2045. Have you ever done any modeling? no. 2046. Would you consider yourself to be psychologically damaged? no. 2047. How aware are you of the reasons behind your actions and words? pretty aware. 2048. What is the sickest you ever drank or drugged yourself? i haven’t had any really bad experiences tbh. it’s always a shitty time when i’ve thrown up from alcohol but i’ve never blacked out. 2049. Would you prefer it if clothing was optional? no lol. 2050. What is one interesting fact about you: i collect nail polish and perfume. 2051. Are more people depressed because they are alone, or are more people alone because they are depressed? the first. some people could be surrounded by a lot of people and still be depressed. 2052. Have you ever gotten a mug, t-shirt, key chain, etc. that was personalized with your picture? yes a key chain haha. oh and my uncle made me a t shirt with my face on it hahaha. 2053. What was the last thing that you experienced for the first time? i honestly can’t think. 2054. If you were going to die tomorrow and you were leaving a postcard for someone to read after you were gone what would it say? not sure. probably just saying how much i appreciate them and to pass messages to other people i care about. 2055. If you were about to be executed what would your last request be? hug my family and boyfriend. 2056. What kinds of people do you find intimidating? people with power i guess. 2057. How much conviction do you have in your feelings and beliefs? quite a bit. 2058. In your house where is the: crazy glue? the cupboard above the fridge. flashlight? same ^ 2059. Out of everyone you know who has the most personality? ahmad. 2060. If you could go back in time to experience a musical movement or era, which one would you choose to live through? jazz. i don’t listen to jazz but i think it would be cool to live through its birth. 2061. Do you suffocate people with your love? not enough. 2062. Do you feel your life is charmed? no. 2063. What character do you identify the most with from Winnie the Pooh? eeyore haha. 2064. When do you do your best thinking? just before i sleep. 2065. What motivates you? nothing right now. 2066. Look back at all the people you've dated. Has there been a pattern? no. 2067. Things change but what will always remain the same for you? my personality i think. 2068. Is divorce something you would ever consider or do you feel that marriage is permanantly binding? if the marriage is that bad i would consider it. 2069. What's the strangest movie you ever saw? idk. 2070. If you could go into virtual reality and set up your life there to be perfect and it would seem real but not be real would you trade your life now for the virtual life? no. 2071. Does it seem like life is more difficult for you than for anyone else? no. 2072. What are you grateful for? everything i have. 2073. What was a choice that you didn't want to make but you had to? idk. 2074. Have you ever had dental surgery? no. 2075. At what point exactly are you grown up? when you start having actual responsibilities and do things without people’s help. 2076. If there was a weightloss procedure that would destroy your ability to taste food so you wouldn't be tempted by junk food, would you have it done? no thanks. i love food. 2077. What is one thing that happened that you never expected? idk. 2078. If you called one of your friends and they said "It's nothing personal but I don't want to talk to anyone right now," would you take it personally? i wouldn’t, but i’d be really concerned as to why they’d say that and offer help. 2079. What is your favorite girl's name? sierra. 2080. Do you ever feel guilty for being more fortunate than others? yes and no. i’m happy to help anyone that needs it. 2081. If you had to wear a shirt with one word on it for a year, what word would you choose? hi. lol. 2082. What is evian spelled backwards? naive duh. 2083. You drop 10 pounds of feathers and a ten pound bowling ball off the top of the same building. Which will hit the ground first? both, they weigh the same. 2084. Even though you may never get what you want, are you happy because you're trying? i’m not trying though. if i was then yeah i’d be happy. 2085. If you started a petition what would it be about? idk. 2086. When was the last time you asked someone to do something and they said no? idk. 2087. Do bad things happen to you on friday the 13th? not that i know of. 2088. What's your favorite: Madonna song? like a prayer. John Lennon song? none. Michael Jackson song? you are not alone. Doors song? idk. Rolling Stones song? idk. David Bowie song? idk. Elvis song? idk. 2089. If you had started a relationship with someone and they said that it would be best if no one knew about it just to see how it goes, would you be offended? it depends on our situation. if we were on the same level, i wouldn’t be offended. 2090. Do you know any self defence? i did karate as a kid but i forgot everything. How about CPR? nope. i should really learn. 2091. If you had to look into a mirror and see your naked soul stripped of all delusions and pretenses (Never ending Story style)could you handle it? no. 2092. Are you a genius? no. 2093. How did you find out that Santa Clause wasn't real? i got a letter from ‘him’ and the handwriting was the same as my mum’s lol. 2094. Which is your favorite tarot card? idk. 2095. Does the internet seperate people or connect them? both. 2096. Have you ever written a letter to a soldier? no. 2097. Does pain and fear make you feel alive? eh, i wouldn’t pinpoint it to that. 2098. Are you: good looking? i wish. thin? no. happy? sometimes. successful? no. confident? no. 2099. Are you decisive or wishy washy? in between. 2100. Do you feel pop stars should be morally responsible to set a good example for their fans? it’s nice but they shouldn’t be obliged to. we’re all human.