#self hatred mention tw

[snowe-zolynn-rogers]

Pairings: None

Word Count: 1,794 Words

Summary: The solar eclipse after Solar's death has an energy to it.

Warnings: Character Death, Caps, Cursing, Overworking, Self-Hatred (from Moon, of course), Sleep Deprivation, Blood (minor), Minor Injury, Ghost, Magic, Mind Meld, Soul Bond, Sharing A Body/Brain, Pain, Nausea, let me know if I should add anything else.

Binding And Bonding

Solar woke up in an abyss. Everything around him was darkness. He could see a vague ring of light around him, lighting up the rest of his surroundings decently well. He could vaguely hear something being said into the void around him in a vaguely familiar voice but he was knocked out before he could acknowledge the voice.

-Two And A Half Weeks Earlier-

"I don't wanna go…" Solar muttered, body deteriorating and slowly disintegrating as it collapsed to the floor like his dimension likely was. Moon was quick to grab him and try to keep him steady but it wasn't any use given he couldn't feel his legs anymore.

"You don't have to!" Moon insisted, holding Solar as close as he could, Solar feeling Moon's hands slip through him as he could feel himself fading into an abyss.

"Solar? SOLAR!" Solar could vaguely hear Moon screaming as he went into a void.

-A Week Later-

"Moon, you're pushing yourself. You aren't charging or resting." Eclipse finally broke and snapped at him.

"Maybe I would if I hadn't fucked everything up!" Moon screamed back at him, too stressed to not scream at the inconveniences anymore, too focused on getting Solar back now.

"Moon, you're at a max of five percent." Eclipse reminded him.

"I'll charge when my brother is back." Moon growled venomously, eyes turning to glare that Eclipse dare interrupt him but Eclipse had gotten used to Moon being like this fairly quickly. Eclipse knew Moon would inevitably run himself down and then Eclipse could carry Moon off to bed.

Thankfully, Eclipse got that opportunity sooner rather than later as Moon stumbled and his hand hit a tray, knocking it to the floor with Moon collapsing to the floor as well a few seconds later.

Eclipse went and finally was able to scoop the poor sap up and groan at how heavy Moon was, muttering complaints about how much Moon weighed as he kicked the door to Parts & Service open for him since he was busy carrying Moon.

"You." Ruin caught Eclipse's attention before Eclipse was able to leave.

"Yeah, what about me? Want me to come in there and kill you finally?" Eclipse asked.

"No, actually. I would like you to forget Protocol 87.775.2, actually." Ruin told him and Eclipse tilted his head in question, not really knowing what Ruin was talking about.

"Forget about what?" Eclipse asked.

"Exactly! Good job! Thank you! Be on your way now!" Ruin cheerily told him and Eclipse shook his head and carried Moon up to the daycare and through the portal to the house, sighing seeing Sun's cats practically waiting for Moon, though they hissed as if they hated him anyway, but Eclipse knew the little cretins were pretending they hated Moon.

Eclipse laid Moon on the couch and put a blanket over him for the cats to crawl on top of and purr now that they knew Moon was sleeping. Eclipse chuckled at the little gremlins. They sure loved their uncle, they were purring on his unconscious body.

Eclipse plugged Moon's charging wire into the wall outlet near the couch and left to go figure out what the hell Ruin was talking about, landing at the daycare computer inevitably. It seemed the computer knew everything anyway so he may as well try.

"Nice attempt, but you are not a member of the Celestial Family." The computer told him.

"Nice joke, I actually am. But I came for answers." Eclipse told the machine.

"Whyever would I give you answers?" The computer asked.

"Ruin mentioned a protocol in me, basically asking me to delete it but I don't know what he was talking about. I will let you scan my code if you look for Protocol 87.775.2." Eclipse told the computer.

"…I will agree to these conditions, only because it may serve well for Moon." The computer agreed. Eclipse plugged himself into the computer for it to scan him and just sat back waiting, all he could do was wait. The computer was doing two things at once and it was taking a while.

Eclipse ended up falling asleep for a bit in the computer chair while the computer did its thing. However, the computer also decided to be an alarm for Eclipse as it woke him up with a loud bussing noise through his circuits.

"HEY!" Eclipse jolted awake, pulling out the cord and thoroughly startled by the computer.

"Ah, good, awake. I have found Protocol 87.775.2 as well as scanned your code." The computer told him.

"And you wake me up like your about to try giving me a controlled shock?" Eclipse snapped.

"Yes, I found it amusing." The computer would've laughed if it could, Eclipse could tell.

"Fine, what is the protocol about?" Eclipse asked.

"This protocol entails a means to what Moon has been working on. A way to undo what has been done." Eclipse scoffed at that.

"So that's why he wanted me to get rid of it. I haven't been alone in a room so he couldn't give me an order to try to get me to delete it until today." Eclipse muttered.

"Unfortunately, it is extremely difficult as it works with the essence of an energy." The computer told him.

"Tell me what I have to do."

-One Week & Four Days Later-

Eclipse walked into the room Solar had died in. He had finally made good on getting everything else ready and Sun and Moon were out with Earth and Lunar, watching the solar eclipse on the roof of the PizzaPlex.

Eclipse had chalk, blood, and a dagger. He hated this, it felt so weird. It felt so awkward to probably be the first person Solar sees when he comes back.

"Solar?" Eclipse calls to whatever remained of Solar's energy, which he had attuned himself to over the last week and a half.

"Solar." Eclipse called to Solar again, sitting down in front of where Solar died. He could feel the energy around him swirling as though Solar was trying to tell him he was there still.

"There you are." Eclipse closed his eyes, holding the chalk and drew a circle of runes with his eyes closed, following the images of runes the protocol was feeding him on the back of his eyelids. The circle was around Eclipse himself and the spot Solar died in, interlocking them.

"Solar, I can feel you. God that sounds weird." Eclipse muttered the last half. The energy jolted like it was laughing at him. "Yeah, laugh it up, idiot. Sit with me." Eclipse sighed. He could vaguely see the outline of Solar's energy sit with him.

"Thank you." Eclipse muttered, knowing he had to thank Solar. He hated that he had to. Eclipse cringed as he poured the blood on the inner ring of the rune circle, watching outside as the sky began to go dark.

"I willingly open this connection for Solar." Eclipse stated as the protocol had, cutting open his right hand with the dagger in his left dominant hand. Eclipse could see that the whisp in his vision that was Solar's energy was interested.

"Hold my hand, Solar and only Solar." Eclipse told the energy. The energy seemed to hold his hand and Eclipse sighed at the feeling, relieved Solar was just listening to him, probably out of curiosity rather than genuine willingness.

"I connect what is mine to what is yours. Wire for wire, energy for energy. I share willingly what is mine with you." Eclipse spoke evenly, making sure to read word for word.

"This day is a connection." Eclipse felt the rune light up with light, blazing as the room went completely dark. "I bind us. Mine is yours. under this light, we become connected." Eclipse lost his breath after these words of the spell, making him choke a bit as he could feel Solar's energy binding to his own, coughing to get air as he could feel his mind breaking in half, body feeling aches and pains as Solar's energy was bonding to him.

Eclipse lurched forward, nauseous as he felt Solar's AI blooming into his head, using the broken-off half of Eclipse's mind, their mind? Eclipse didn't know but he was nauseous. Animatronics weren't supposed to get nauseous. He leaned with his hands on the ground, hearing someone screaming. Was that him? Was he screaming? He still had to say the final words and get Solar to say them too.

Eclipse reached his energy into his mind, making Solar take half control with him, each having control of one half of their? body. Eclipse fed the final words into their vision to make Solar say it with him. Once Solar nodded using their head Eclipse nodded back.

"We claim the energy of the solar eclipse given to us." Both of their voices echoed and the pitch-black void of the room glowed with a peace around them, the white ring around them calmly pulsing with their energies. Eclipse finally felt a peace now as he curled up on the ground, trembling with everything that had happened, too overwhelmed to move but he had to finish it. He had to finish this. He fed to Solar in their optics the final step and words.

Solar was the one to drag their body upright again. Eclipse was shivering, Solar was shivering. The room felt cold. Everything felt cold. Solar seemed to have more force than Eclipse, Solar was learning how to share their energy.

"We undo the damage that has been done through false trust." They made sure to echo each other and Eclipse felt a bloom in his chest of the energy they claimed from the solar eclipse above in the sky still, the ring around them, practically burst into a running visual of universes coming back into being, rebuilding themselves, lives being brought back immediately, everything blooming around them in the circle of light like flowers.

Eclipse gave a soft, exhausted chuckle seeing it and seeing the sky begin to get light again. Once the ring around them finished, the warm feeling slowly dissipated and Eclipse and Solar simply collapsed onto the ground, shaking and taking deep breaths.

"Thank you." Solar whispered.

"I know." Eclipse tried to laugh but all that came out was a wheeze.

"Are you okay?" Solar asked.

"I'm exhausted." Eclipse whispered back.

"Well, you gave up your magic to bring everything back, you're probably going to be exhausted for a while." Solar sighed.

"I expect Moon to thank me, you tell him that if you wake up first." Eclipse told Solar before letting himself ease into unconsciousness, giving Solar control for a brief moment before Solar fell asleep too from being brought back and losing a lot of energy himself.

[nerdpoe]

In the Shadow of Speculation Part 2

Part 1, Ao3

Heavy chapter, please heed the following; Blood tw vivisection tw descriptions of a flashback descriptions of a night terror descriptions of recovery abled verbiage tw self hatred tw (mild) forced parenthood equivalent (but in a ghost culture way)

Danny took a deep breath and used the Ring of Rage.

A glowing portal formed in the air before him, perfectly stable. Cold, bitter wind blew through it, along with the smell of antiseptic.

Wrinkling his nose, Danny stepped through the portal and closed it behind him.

“Oh, greetings Mr. High King! Are you ready for your check-up?” a nurse Yeti said, looking up from her clipboard enthusiastically.

Danny attempted a smile.

“I’m prepared for it, yeah.”

“Wonderful! Your friends are already in the room for moral support!”

Danny paused.

“Who-?”

“The Lady of the Green and the Lord of Innovation, of course!”

Oh thank the Ancients.

Danny nodded his thanks at the nurse and started for his assigned rooms.

Every inch of the hallways, unfamiliar before the Accident, were ingrained in his memories now.

He’d finally walked from his door to that window without help four months after waking up, and he’d been so fucking proud about it too. He’d hid behind that potted plant during his first flashback. He’d climbed out of that window and crawled on the roof just so he could feel the snow on his skin two months into Physical Therapy.

That was the yeti that had taken the brunt of his anger and hurt on his worst days, nodding at him as Danny passed. That was the room he’d pleaded with Dan to take him away from the hospital, that he couldn’t do it anymore, that he just wanted to go home-that was also the room Dan had set his foot down and said that he’d play the bad guy for Danny one last time.

And oh, how Danny had despised him for it.

But it had worked. Danny, with someone who was there for the sole purpose of taking the verbal assaults meant for his Physical Therapists and himself, who was only there to snipe back and deliberately egg Danny on, helped Danny find the energy to push forward.

And Danny still felt awful about that.

Danny passed the table he had eaten his first solid meal at, one month after waking up, and took a left.

There it was.

The door to the rooms that had been his sanctuary and his prison, right up until they hadn’t been needed anymore. The first place he’d seen when he’d woken up, and then been amazed that he’d woken up at all.

With a deep breath, Danny pushed it open.

“Hey man!”

“Danny!”

Danny’s smile was weak, and he was holding back tears in the face of so many memories he hated and adored in equal measure.

“Hey guys, thanks for coming.”

~~~~~~

Dan knew he was asleep. Dan knew he was awake. Dan knew he was somewhere in that awful inbetween.

He was in his parents basement. No, wait. They weren’t his parents. They’d never deserved the title.

He was in the Fenton’s basement.

The world kept glitching out, the colors kept melding together, and the only thing that stood out was the overwhelming feeling of disbelief and terror.

Little him was strapped to a table. Little him was strapped to a table. Little him was-

Stop.

Assess.

What was going on?

Little him was strapped to a table; he was locked in place. He was in his Core form. It was…damaged. It was damaged.

Why?

Who would…?

There was a sliver missing. They’d torn a piece of him off. They’d tried to peel him open. They’d-Little him would be crippled.

If he survived.

But he had survived, hadn’t he?

Little him’s core was strapped to a table, damaged, and there was no resonance coming from it. There were vials upon vials of ecto-blood on the tables.

That was a kidney.

That was a stomach.

There was blood on the floor.

There…there was blood on his shoes.

Dan floated off of it, listening to the dripping sounds it made as it rolled off his soles.

The door opened.

Two monsters walked through, all giant bug eyes and sharp metal knives.

Dan had two options.

He could kill the things that had done this.

Or.

He darted forward to break the straps and shoved Little him’s core next to his own, where it would be safe, where it could recover as it leeched his excess energy off of him.

The world glitched again.

Dan was standing in Jazz’s living room, hand digging into his own chest. Searching.

With a shaking breath, he pulled it out.

He’d only carried Danny’s core next to his own for two years, but he still found himself searching for it in moments of weakness.

He hadn’t been the best Spirit to host Danny’s core, but he’d fought tooth and nail to do it. Vengeance Spirits could not normally house Protective Spirits.

It was why he’d done the whole hero thing after; it would help Little him heal if he did. And when he scared the people he was saving away?

He’d opted to train the little fledgling heroes. He’d make sure they grew up safe, protected from actual villains and, if needed, their own personal ones.

Anything to make sure he didn’t have to see another kid so close to completely shattering into Nothing, he never wanted to see that shit again-

Dan forced himself to move away from the couch and towards the kitchen.

It was pointless to dwell on the past. He did everything he could; if the Twerp wanted to be next to those monsters, that was on him.

So what if he’d fucked up their relationship? At least the kid was alive.

Dan’s hands still shook as he made himself a cup of coffee.

…

Maybe he’d just check in. Just for a bit.

~~~~~~

Dan may have failed steps one through ten.

It had probably started when he’d played surrogate for the Runt, if he was completely honest. There was no way Dan hadn’t absorbed a little bit of his Protective nature.

Point was; Dan genuinely could not remember going to Arkham.

He just sort of…came back to himself while floating ominously above it.

He could see the alarm lights flashing below him. The humans running for their battle-stations.

The inmates being herded deeper into the complex.

Dan felt his eyes grow hotter, felt his claws dig into the flesh of his palms.

They were right there. Right fucking there. All he had to do was phase through the compound and just reach into their chests.

It would be so. Fucking. Easy.

In fact, he even caught a glimpse of Maddie through one of the windows.

Dan snarled, lifting a hand, the ectoplasm pooling in it hotter than anything he’d made before-

-and he was in the kitchen. Mom was trying to make hot dogs, but they kept fighting back. She was laughing at a dumb meme he’d shown her. His homework was covered in mustard from the fight with their food.

“I guess you can tell Mr. Lancer that you ‘mustard’ up every resource you had!” Dad called out as he walked by, and Dan felt so loved-

-Dan dropped the hand.

Maddie was hauled past the window and to safety.

Fuck.

Fuck this place.

Fuck this city.

Fuck everything about this situation.

~~~~~~

Batman grappled his way to the tallest watchtower in Arkham, keeping an eye on Phantom the entire time.

The guard that was already in the tower-a new hire, if he recalled-nervously stepped up to fall in line beside him.

Batman waved him off.

He knew Phantom. He knew that the man wasn’t actually a villain.

A Training Villain wasn’t something Batman had seen younger heroes needing, but when the Ghost in front of him had started play-fighting with the younger heroes to teach them through safe combat, the Bat had been mentally kicking himself.

It was a perfect job to train younger heroes, and Batman couldn’t help but feel like he’d failed the previous iterations by not realizing that.

Robin was still angry that he’d fallen for it, of course he was, but Batman could not deny that Phantom’s strange method of training had been instrumental in helping his youngest work through his rage.

Just like he could not deny that he and Phantom had something in common with Arkham.

It wasn’t hard to assume that the walls held a person responsible for the death of someone in the man’s life.

Phantom had only shown up to Arkham a total of three times.

The first time, he’d just hovered outside of it, holding his hand to his chest. He’d done nothing, and left in an hour.

The second time, two years later, he’d broken two walls and shattered a watchtower, screaming for someone to come out and face him. Robin had been on scene before Batman had time to distract him, convinced it was the same Phantom he was used to dealing with.

Surprisingly, the sight of Robin had been enough to still the beast Phantom had become. He’d toned down, forced Robin into a surprise hug, and then disappeared. Robin had been livid, but Batman had learned something about the Training Villain he didn’t think he wanted to know.

The man knew loss, and Batman was pretty sure he knew it on the same scale Bruce did.

From there, it wasn’t hard to figure out the most likely objects of his wrath.

Phantom was a Ghost. Ghosts had a very, very bad history with the American Government. The Anti-ecto acts had just been revealed to the public by Lois Lane, and the country was tearing itself apart.

The people who had been the most avid supporters had been, currently were, the Dr.s Fenton.

Who were housed in Arkham.

Batman had said nothing. He had gone back to the cave and quietly updated Phantom’s file, and left it at that.

The third time was the present.

Phantom had almost lost his temper. Almost.

But he’d reigned it in.

“Phantom,” Batman started, staring at the figure above him, “I know you can hear me. What’s happened?”

The Ghost stayed where he was for one hundred and twenty seconds, before slowly gliding down to the Bat.

Phantom did not say anything.

He did not have to.

His eyes were anywhere, everywhere, but where he actually was. When he actually was.

Batman quietly hissed through his teeth.

Alright then.

“I’m here if you want to talk, otherwise we can be silent. Just know that at this moment, you are not alone.”

Phantom chose silence for a good seventeen minutes.

Then Phantom opened his mouth.

“I should hate them,” the voice was halting, tired, “I should, I really should. They loved me so much, but they…they tore him apar-“ Phantom’s voice failed him.

Batman said nothing, and gave the Ghost time to collect himself.

While he waited, he compartmentalized what he’d learned. The Fentons had torn apart someone very, very important to Phantom.

And Bruce had an awful feeling that he meant that literally.

“I can’t be here,” Phantom said instead of finishing his previous thought.

Batman nodded.

“You didn’t hurt anyone this time, so go; I see no reason to stop you.”

Phantom didn’t grace Batman with a goodbye, but the Bat swore he felt an invisible hand squeeze his shoulder after the Ghost vanished from sight.

~~~~~~

Danny laid on the examination bed, one hand being held by Sam while Tucker lounged on the bed at Danny’s feet. They were talking about their new companies, how the world was changing, and distracted Danny while Frostbite examined his vivisection scarring.

Danny looked everywhere but Frostbite as the yeti pushed and prodded. He didn’t want to look at his chest if he didn’t have to, but he also didn’t want the embarrassment that was accidentally meeting his doctor’s eyes in the middle of a physical.

“Fantastic news, Young Savior,” Frostbite said, interrupting their idle chatter, “Your core, while still healing, is recovering at a phenomenal rate. Truly, Lady Gotham is good on her word! At this pace, your core should be fully healed in a mere century!”

Danny hated that. He hated that it needed to heal, and he hated that he was going to outlive his friends.

Sam and Tucker leaned a little closer, offering comfort for something that they knew the Ancient before them wouldn’t understand.

“Better news, the physical damage appears to be almost completely healed. The regrown kidney and stomach are showing no signs of failing, and the scarring should be the only nuisance. I recommend the afore-mentioned stretches and lotion to help the scar tissue conform with your movements.”

Danny nodded, sitting up as Frostbite stepped back and removed his hand from inside Danny’s torso.

“I also see no issue with your residual limb, although it does appear you’ve been forgetting to remove the prosthetic often enough to cause some light bruising. Can’t say I don’t understand, but perhaps write a reminder and pin it on your bedroom wall.”

Danny avoided Sam’s flat look.

Tucker just flashed his phone screen at Danny, the words ‘I can make you something really cool with rockets it you let me’ sprawled across the screen.

Danny absorbed Sam’s flat look and mirrored it towards Tucker.

Tucker threw up his hands.

“Ancients forbid I do anything, I guess,” the techie sighed dramatically.

Once Danny pulled himself together and got ready to leave, Tucker threaded an arm around his own.

“So, wanna go ding-dong-ditch Walker?”

Danny paused, then grinned; and for the first time in two weeks, it wasn’t a lie.

~~~~~~

Danny waved back at Sam and Tucker as they went through their own portals. They would definitely have to get together and hit the town on Earth.

Danny walked through his own portal and ran face-first into a mass of muscle.

Dan steadied him as he bounced back.

Danny was immediately hit with conflicting, very confusing emotions.

He was looking at Dan, his enemy. He was looking at his father? No, it was Dan. Wasn’t that the same-?

Danny shook his head. He’d never gotten a straight answer about why his Ghost self’s view on Dan had changed so dramatically; everyone always shied away from the question.

“Can I ask what you’re doing in my apartment?” He asked instead, stepping back and closing the portal.

“Just making sure you’re settling in, Tiny.”

“We’re the same height?”

“Nah, we’re not.”

Danny shoved the absurdity of their interaction in the back of his head and made for his couch.

“Well, whatever you’re doing here, here’s to hoping it involved making dinner,” he groaned, sinking into the cushion and pulling up his left leg to start the tediously cumbersome process of pulling it off, “because per the doctor, I’m supposed to keep the prosthetic off for the rest of today.”

“I was gonna order out. Move, we’re watching Sailor Moon.”

Danny whined pitifully when Dan physically picked him up and moved him to the side.

He fought his instincts, and his instincts won.

He leaned back and allowed Dan to take the prosthetic off, clawed fingers delicate for all that the man snarled under his breath.

He also allowed the man to commandeer the TV; not something he would even allow Jazz to do.

“Why do I let you do these things?” Danny muttered, eyeballing the quasi-villain on his couch as said villain massaged the stump just below his knee.

Dan snorted.

“I’ll tell you when you’re older.”

“Ugh, no one tells me anything.”

“We’re pacing you,” Dan corrected, blunt for all that the words were careful, “when you’re back on your feet, you’ll get the non-vital details we skimmed.”

Danny didn’t bother arguing; he’d already tried for the better part of the previous year. For some reason, the yetis took Dan’s side, too.

Instead, they fell into a companionable silence, appreciating Sailor Moon. Which was fine by Danny, since he never knew how to behave around Dan. It was only interrupted by the delivery of the Greek food Dan had ordered out.

Danny was on his second Gyro when Dan finally broke the silence.

“So I heard there was a rogue attack outside your apartment,” he said idly, and Danny could feel his eyes on him.

“Yeah.”

“So you got to see the Bats in action?”

“…Yeah.”

Dan leaned in, eyes going critical.

“What needs improvement? Don’t lie; that ‘yeah’ was one that means you weren’t impressed.”

Danny shrugged.

“I dunno, just…they didn’t have someone who’s only job it was was to evacuate the people, or help the injured. It was just offense, no defense.”

Dan snorted and leaned away.

“Kept telling that to Robin, but no; ‘Father this’ and ‘Father that’.” Dan shook his head, chewing thoughtfully on his rack of lamb. “So. What are you gonna do about it?”

Danny blinked.

“Excuse me?”

“You’ve seen what they need, and I’m not stupid enough to think you’ll stay out of the game forever. What are you gonna do about it?”

Danny looked down at his Gyro, frowning.

What was he gonna do about it?

He couldn’t fight, not like he used to, not really. But if the Bats were tanking, then…he probably wouldn’t really have to.

“I’ve been in medical facilities for almost a year,” Danny said slowly, ignoring how Dan stiffened next to him, “I think I’ve picked up a few things. Frostbite would probably be thrilled if I asked him to teach me, honestly.”

Dan relaxed, humming thoughtfully around the bone he was chewing on.

“I think…I’ll be a medic.”

@simplestoryteller @gildedphoenix I do not suffer PTSD, and I've never had a life-altering injury. That said, I know people who have, for both of those. I apologize if my descriptions are off. Here's some notes to piece together what this chapter outlines, for those that want the sparknotes as to what Dan is alluding to. From my notes; "Ghosts can carry another ghosts core if that core is injured, to protect and promote healing. Typically, the father or mother figure does it. In this particular instance, Dan did it. We will see in a bit, but for Dan their relationship went from enemies-warden-person I gotta apologize to-person I’ve got to save-the core housed next to mine-son. For Danny, it randomly went from enemies to ‘why do I think dan is my dad more than I think my dad is my dad’." This is where the "forced parenthood" tw comes into play, because Dan felt like he had to do it, and due to instinct Danny subconsciously got dragged along for the ride. Also, if it wasn't clear from the age list on the first chapter and the timeline presented, I'm playing around with Lian and Roy's timeline; Dan's first year he babysat her, and then she died. She came back only four weeks prior to Danny re-entering the human world.

[creativename87]

orv spoilers!!!

ok guys. guys. why aren't we spending every single fucking moment of our lives talking about the oldest dream & kim dokja scene?? like hello??? i'm not even talking about when kdj tries to stab himself no no i'm talking about the few, small moment leading up to that, when it's just them, staring at each other.

it's such an gut wrenching powerful scene in my opinion. like like like oh my god. so much has happened. and yet, and yet to them it's still about the same webnovel. kim dokja has aged thirteen years since he was this kid, but as he steps forward they still are both just kim dokja.

They both remember the cold rush of air when they leapt from their school balcony. They both remember the breathless laugh before they did it. They probably both remember the way it reminded them of when they were five, getting thrown into the air by their mother, her face not yet wrinkled with regret. They remember the way it burned as they hit the cold pavement and as blood seeped into the concrete. the way that whole thing was nothing more than a reminder that this time there was no one left to catch them.

They remember the flashes of cameras and they both remember typing three tiny words into the hospital computer.

They are both kim dokja: One is just the past and the other is the future.

They stare at each other when by all definitions they shouldn't be allowed to exist close to other. Kim Dokja hates him, he hates himself and he hates his past. and the oldest dream wishes he were him he wishes he could be someone stronger ,someone better, and that's why our kim dokja exists. They are trapped in this circle of resentment and remorse.

His companions stare, registering the scene in front of them. what this means. and it's this heartbreaking sort of realization that the god they came here to fight is not just a child, but the past of their leader. this world that has bruised them and hurt them and killed those they loved, was caused by one of the ones they loved.

And then the oldest dream( he's just a fifteen-year-old kid. he doesn't even have a drivers license yet. he doesn't know anything in this world except for pain and the rush of joy that comes with another chapter) opens his mouth. He stares at his future. A future he has created for himself. and he whispers, in a slow voice, his face twisting

"M-monster…"

[piko-power]

Without One Another

This is a follow up drabble to What Big Brothers Fear The Most, which you can read here if you need context. It's optional but it is required pfffft.

TW: Mentions of death, grief, self hatred, implied/mentions self harm thoughts, swearing

-

Tails knocked on the door three times.

Just three, small thuds with his knuckles against his brother's door.

He hate to bother him, but after what happened a couple of minutes ago, he couldn't help but check up on Sonic.

He needed to make sure he's okay.

"Sonic?" Tails called. "Can I come in?"

After a moment of silence, Tails reconsidered knocking again. But kept moving his glove free hand away from the door, really hating to bother him.

He never bothered Sonic. He knew damn well. But it's two in the morning.

He should be asleep, not knocking at his door and especially not tinkering at his workbench. At least he didn't get scolded for that.

Again.

But it was all just so sudden for Sonic the Hedgehog to say all those things, which, to be fair, was something he needed to hear since forever, out of no where.

He did mention that he had a bad dream, and that he was okay now, but that's about it.

Tails felt like there is more to it than "just a bad dream" and "I'm fine now."

He did had a feeling on what that bad dream was about now.

He knocked again. Just like last time.

"Sonic?" He called, a little bit louder this time. Loud enough for him to hear from the other side, in case the real reason why Sonic didn't respond was because he couldn't hear him the first time.

"Do you mind if I come in and talk to you?" He asked, his ears pinning slowly.

He really didn't wanna bother him.

He's not bothering him. He is not bothering him.

No response again.

...He is, isn't he?

The fox sighed a heavy sigh. A tired one, even. He shouldn't be doing this at this hour. His sleep is much better than-

...Hell no. His sleep is not at all better than his brother's well being.

"I'm coming in." Tails says, before turning the knob and opening the door.

He wasn't ready to go in when he said that, but went in anyways, because he cares.

When the door is fully open, he could see the blue hedgehog himself, sitting on the edge of his bed with an exhausted look on his face, bags under his eyes and some sleep fluttering off his eyelashes.

He flinched slightly, not expecting a bright light coming through the doorway, since he was adjusted to the dark already. "Too bright." He grumbled, rubbing his eyes.

"Oops. Sorry." Tails says, before turning off the hallway lights he forgot to turn off before Sonic went to his room earlier.

"You, uh... You good, buddy?" He asked, a small weak grin rising on his muzzle, relived to see his brother looking somewhat calm, even though he's not asleep.

Though considering what happened, he doesn't blame him for not being asleep right now.

"Just wanted to check up on ya." He continued. "Got kinda worried back there." He scratched the back of his head, not sure on how to keep the conversation going.

He just wanted to talk to Sonic. To let him know that he's here.

"I'm fine." He says, turning his head to face his little brother, a clearly fake smile on his face, that did not match the tiredness in his emerald eyes.

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

"...Alright then."

The hedgehog let out a loud, long yawn. It went on long enough for even Tails to yawn along with him. After that, Sonic laughed for a bit.

"It's spreading!" He chuckled, despite the tired sounding tone.

Tails giggled quietly. "Oh, noooooo." He "panicked," raising his hands in "fear." He snorted another laughter.

At least they're both laughing together.

"Ah..." Sonic sighed. It felt good to laugh again. "But, yeah, I am fine, little buddy," He reassured. "Just a little tired, is all," He rubbed his right eye.

"And nothing else is wrong?"

"...Nope."

... ...

He exhaled through his stuffed up nose.

"...Just can't sleep, I guess."

Aha. There it is.

Tails knew that Sonic was hiding something from him. He is terrible at hiding things. Very terrible.

Tails walked in his room finally and approached his bed. He stood by him, not sure if he should sit next to him.

"Something on your mind?" Tails casually asked.

"Yeah."

"Mind... telling me what's wrong, then?" Tails asked softly.

"..."

He could read the discomfort from the way his eyes lowered. He knew he didn't wanna talk about it, but sometimes it's better to talk about it than bottle it up.

Sonic kept forgetting about that.

But what ever happened in Sonic's dream messed him up really bad. He's aware that is was a dream, but it was still bothering him.

Must've been terrifying if he's not asleep at the moment.

"You don't have to talk about it," Tails says. "I just want you to know that I'm here in case you do want to talk about it."

The corner of Sonic's lips quivered.

He does.

He looked up at the little kit, his smile gave up and his eyes look sad and restless. Tails frowned slightly, not enjoying seeing his buddy like this.

"It's about my nightmare," he began. "and what happened in it..."

"Okay..." Tails says, sitting down next to him, listening.

"I was fighting Metal and you were in the air fighting some Badniks," He continued. "when suddenly I was caught in an explosion. Infinite was there and... he cut my..."

He placed his hand where his throat is, not wanting to complete his sentence as for a second he remembered how painful that attack was.

Which is absurd, because he's pretty sure he weren't supposed to feel pain in dreams. But sometimes, he does, and it's pretty screwed up.

"I go down and you arrived at a pretty bad time." Sonic says. "I was bleeding out, and you... look so scared." His hands lightly grabbed on hold of the sheets, refusing to look back at the moment. Yet, he did.

Tails was listening to every word he has to say, and he looked more uncomfortable and concerned the more Sonic continued with the story.

"You were crying. You were screaming for me. And... I died right there in your arms. Leaving you all alone..."

He looked away to his right, not wanting to look at his little brother after saying that. He knew that Tails was a little frightened by those words.

And he was.

"I remember you saying something like, 'Don't leave me,' or 'I don't want to be alone.'" His ears pinned down to his head. "But I think the worst thing you said was... 'I can't live without you.'"

Tails' eyes rose.

Sonic sits up and let out a heavy, shaky sigh. He never wanted to tell him what his own brother said to him in his dream. It just doesn't make any sense. It was just a nightmare, so why would it be so stressful?

It didn't happen. It never will.

But...

When he looked back at Tails, there was worry.

Nothing but worry.

Sonic wanted to punch himself in the face so bad for doing this to his little baby brother.

"I was the only family you had, and... you lost it." He muttered out, almost sounding emotionless, yet there was a hint of grief. "You literally cannot live without me. Yet, I know you can take care of yourself, but... I've done so much for you... I never really thought about these kinds of things, but I-..."

He stopped himself, huffing out again and placing his hands on his face, his elbows supporting on his knees. "It's just pissing me off that this nightmare is scaring me this badly." His voice muffled through his hands.

"None of that happened!" He turned back at him, his voice raised. "I didn't die and you weren't saying all those... awful things. I know you would never say that, even if I did-"

"Don't say it."

A small crack in the young one's voice is all it takes to just... break his heart into two.

"You're right about me being independent, but... You have done so much for me, and you are the first person in my life who liked me, and didn't ditch me or hurt me because of my two tails." He says. "And I know I also have Amy, Knuckles, Blaze, everybody... but you... are so important to me, and you always will be, no matter how old I get."

"I know." He often forget that he'll always be important to Tails. Not just for when he's a kid. Not just for right now.

"I know almost every day, we face crazy challenges and go on wild adventures, but we also had some close calls. Like, very close calls. Times where we nearly lost you." Tails continued. "And that one time..." He paused. "...We did lose you."

Sonic exhaled again.

"I thought I could handle it. For the first couple of months. I really did. But..." He sniffled. "Going so long without the one person who will always be there for me, without the one person who changed, saved, my life, without the one person who made me happy to be me... to be alive..."

Sonic shuts his eyes tight.

"Everyone at the Resistance was there, but... you weren't. I thought, we thought, you were dead, Sonic..." He choked quietly. "We believed that for months. I believed that for months. About the third month in, I just... couldn't stand being in a picture that you weren't in."

Sonic hates himself so much right now.

"It's just not the same without my hero." He spoke up. "One night, I just ran away from the Resistance. I was all by myself. Just like my first few years. I wailed, I screamed, I wished that everything that happened around that time was all a horrible, horrible nightmare that I was having, and I would wake up, to you, comforting me, letting me know that everything is okay and that you wouldn't leave me."

You ruined everything, Sonic. The hedgehog scolded himself.

"But..." He continued. "Reflecting on myself after that night, I stood back up and fought on my own, not wanting to have another episode like that... Well, at least I tried to fight back. I can fight back, but... How could I if a part of myself was ripped out of me?"

Dark Gaia...

"I can't say that I can't live without you, but... the world would be a much cruel place without you." Tails says, tears stinging his ocean blue eyes. "If I never have met you, my life would be a living hell. Really. I would never be happy to be me if I never met someone like you. Or just, you at all. I am grateful to have met you, Sonic."

Tails exhaled, not wanting to cry. He couldn't help but shed a few tears anyways. He needed to at this point.

"I'd say that... I would react the same way if you did d- ...you know." He hated saying that word. It felt like if he did say that word, it would happen for real. Which, he knew it's not true, but still...

Sonic placed a hand on his cheek, sighing again. He felt so disappointed in himself, as a brother. If he couldn't beaten Infinite, knowing what he was capable of, then Tails wouldn't have gone through all that mess.

Good Lord, he was only a child. What is up with the universe trying to give this kid hell? He has done nothing wrong!

Why is he failing so hard?

A gross sniffle was heard from Sonic as he covered his face entirely, ready to cry again. It startled Tails.

"Sonic?" He says, reaching his hand out. "A-Are you okay-?"

"No, Tails." He barked. "I'm not okay. I suck! I suck at being there for you when you needed me the most! I knew damn well that I mean a lot to you, and if I could've just kick Infinite's- ...Grrrr!" He nearly failed to hold in his tears, but especially his resent towards himself.

He was important to everybody. But especially Tails.

And he failed to do the most important thing. Look after his baby brother.

"I knew the Eggman War was bad for you, but I didn't know it was this bad... You just didn't tell me these things and- ... ..."

A thought popped in his head. A thought that should never come up to him.

No. He wouldn't. He's too young. He fucking wouldn't.

"Sonic?"

The young voice made him snap back to reality for a brief moment. He turned his head to face him. Sonic was horrified of what he is about to ask him.

"I need you to be honest with me, Miles." He warned, never sounding so serious in his life.

"O-Okay...?"

"Tails... At any point during the Eggman War, have you ever attempted to hurt yourself...?"

" ... ...WHAT?!!"

The question gave Tails a major shock, and even a small jolt down his spine. "ARE YOU INSANE?! Why the heck would y- WHY THE- HOW COULD YOU ASK ME THAT?!" He shrieked, now off the bed and back on his feet, yelling at him.

"Those months were stressful for me, but I didn't try to- What the FUCK, Sonic!!" He sobbed.

Okay, out of ALL the swear words, he should NEVER, EVER use that word, but Sonic was so speechless and scared that he couldn't even give him that warning tone in his voice whenever he swears.

"I-I'm sorry! I was just- I was worried, and-"

"OF COURSE I didn't attempt that! God, just because I can't live without you, doesn't mean I LITERALLY can't! Wh-Why... Oh, my Gaia..." Tails covered his mouth. "I... This is my fault. I should've told you about what I was going through in the first place, but I made you assume... Oh, my Gaia, I'm so sorry, Sonic." He softly cried, crushed from the fact that Sonic was this worried about him right now.

The hedgehog loves him too much.

He hated the idea that Sonic was worried about his own brother doing... that to himself. Granted, that one night was the most stressful of them all, that he nearly thought of it, but he didn't. He refuse to think that way. That's why he kept fighting.

Cause he knew fully well that's not what Sonic wanted, alive or not.

And he was right. Sonic wouldn't want that.

If he wouldn't want that, then neither would Tails.

"No. Don't apologize. Please." Sonic stood up as well, his voice breaking. "It's not your fault-"

"Well, it's not your fault either, Sonic!" Tails croaked. "Neither of us saw it coming! Especially me!"

"I just wished you would've told me about how you were feeling- I mean, you never really told me until we were on the Starfall Islands, but-"

"I thought it wouldn't matter because everything is okay-"

"YOU THINK I'M OKAY WITH YOU HIDING ALL THIS FROM ME?" He roared, tears beginning to stream. "YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO ME, GOD DAMMIT! YOU MEAN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE TO ME! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"

Tails never felt terrified of his big brother's voice.

"I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!"

... ...

... ...

Tails hiccuped. Sonic panted. No words can be exchanged. Only looks.

Sad, hurt, protective looks.

The hedgehog huffed. Feeling worse than he already was. But he didn't care. All he ever cared about was his little two-tailed brother.

"You've done a lot for me, Tails." He spoke. His voice was dying out but he couldn't care less. "All my life I thought being a hero is just doing everything yourself and taking care of yourself, but I was wrong. I never realized how wrong I was until I met you."

The fox sniffled, listening to every, little word from his hero.

"Without you, I probably would never have found the Chaos Emeralds, or stop the Death Egg, or save Angel Island, or stop Perfect Chaos, any of that stuff! My life would never be the same if I never met you. In fact, I'm not even sure if I would make it out alive without you."

His voice was trembling, but for the first time in a long time, he didn't care that he was crying in front of someone.

"You made a huge impact on my life, Tails. I owe you everything. Really..." He barely showed off such a sweet smile, but he's so tired and drained from yelling and just, staying up so late, he couldn't find the energy to smile at all right now.

"I am grateful to have you as my brother. And I know I don't say this a lot, but I think about it every time I see my friends, including you... I love you. I love you til the stars twinkle their last shine" A small sob escaped when he spoke the last couple of words.

He meant every word.

"And you wanna know something? Even if, I did die, I'm not really gone, okay? I will remain with you and everyone else forever, whether I'm in person or in spirit. I will always be in your heart and I will always love you, Miles "Tails" Prower."

He held both of Tails' hands as he began to cry. The young fox cried along with him, hearing the last sentence on loop in his head.

He really meant every, single word.

The two brothers embraced in a big hug. The biggest hug they could ever give for each other. Sonic held onto Tails for dear life as he finally sobbed loud enough for even the critters from outside to hear.

Tails hiccuped and cried continuously, not wanting to let go of the one person who changed his life for the better.

For once, they both wish this hug would last forever.

They don't care if they stayed up all night, they refuse to let each other go.

They cannot live without one another.

-

Two things woke Tails up; the sounds of birds chirping outside the window, and Sonic's monstrous snoring.

He tried to open one eye, but it was all blurry and covered in sleep. "Aw, geez... Why did I cry so much...?" He jokingly asked to himself, rubbing his eyes.

He sits up and was about to get off of the bed, but Sonic's snoring startled him a bit and he turned to see him snuggling against one of his pillows.

He looks so goofy, he thought to himself.

He's happy that Sonic's finally getting some good sleep.

Tails looked around to find himself in Sonic's room. When was the last time he slept in Sonic's room?

Old habits die hard, apparently.

"Zzzzzz... n-no chili..." Tails turned his head back the moment he heard him muttered something. "ZZZzzz, no mm chili dogs, 'm full. Thk you fr askin' though, Vanilla, zzzzzz..." He slurred.

Dreaming about chili dogs. Of course he is. Tails snickered.

He looked at the time and it read 11:38. Tails was surprised on how much or the morning is left. Him and Sonic stayed up for so long, just doing nothing but crying and hugging.

Didn't sound like a lot, but it was a long night regardless.

They needed to be there for each other, and it took them this long enough to finally have a moment with each other.

And even after all this time, Tails is still Tails, and Sonic is still Sonic.

And they're still brothers.

What a time to be alive.

"Yo. Big bro." Tails poked Sonic's cheek to wake him up.

"Mmmaybe one more bite wouldn't hurt..." Sonic mumbled before nibbling on his hand.

Tails covered his mouth, quieting down his laughter. Oh, this is his morning coffee. This is entertainment.

He needed this laugh.

"Sonic, wake up. You're dreaming." He hate to ruin the moment, but he needed to wake his brother up. He didn't want him to sleep through the day.

When Sonic's eyes open, the first thing he could see was most of his hand in his mouth. His eyes rose in confusion before he sits up, getting the hand out of his mouth and spitting out in disgust.

"What the heck was I doing??" He cried. Tails was laughing so hard he almost fell off the bed.

"Tails, please don't tell me you saw the whole thing!" Sonic felt so silly. He always known he spoke in his sleep, but this is ridiculous.

"Relax, Sonic. Everyone chews on their own hand in their sleep at some point in their lives." Tails says, getting up and already heading out of the door.

"Doubt that..."

"Yet here it are."

"Shut it." Sonic kept himself from laughing.

He gets up too, putting on his chili dog themed slippers, reading to start the day. "Geez, what a night... I felt like a crybaby."

"Hey. Don't say that." Tails spoke, turning to the hedgehog. "It's okay to cry. I can tell you've been needing to let it out for some time now."

"Yeah..." Sonic said in agreement. He scratched the back of his ear, feeling bad. "Hey, I'm sorry for telling you about all that stuff. I didn't mean to bring you down like that. My nightmare was pretty messed up and-"

"Sonic. It's okay." Tails reassures with a genuine smile. "It's okay to feel and talk about certain things. I'm glad that you get to talk to me about it. Even if it was messy, we still talked it out."

"Yeah." Sonic says, smiling as well. "Thanks. For being there for me."

"I should be thanking you, dude. But, you're welcome. Anything for my big bro!"

He opened the door and walked out. "I'm getting breakfast ready! You hungry?" He called out from outside the room.

"Some waffles sound pretty good!" Sonic replied out loud.

"Okay, cool!" The kit says.

Sonic chuckled softly. He still felt silly after his and Tails' talk, but at the same time, he felt a lot better now.

He may not be used to talking about his feelings, but at least his little buddy was there to listen to him all the way through.

He truly is grateful to have a brother like Tails.

-

[uncanny-tranny]

The biggest saving grace I feel I've done is to get into death positivity, to learn to appreciate death. It's definitely not going to help for many, but I have found that not stigmatizing my own interest and desire for death has greatly helped. Being able to interact with death not as a punishment, but as a way to express humanity has been truly what has made me feel more human. I no longer want to feel ashamed of this aspect of myself, and it's made me want to live. Death has done unto me life.

[lovelesslittleloser]

People should be more afraid of asexuals, because they’re the only people that are immune to one of the seven deadly sins

[ironwoodprotectionsquad]

Feel free to ignore I’m just continuing to vent about CRWBY beneath the cut. Tw suicide mention.

What absolutely kills me about how CRWBY has been treating suicide every time is just how callous and thoughtless it is. It’s clear none of the writers involved in writing those scenes have ever hit a low point where they feel worthless and useless. They’ve never wondered if maybe the world is better without them, that they’re a no good useless waste of space that can never get anything right. That their “friends” won’t care if they’re gone. They’ve never wondered if theirs any point in trying because they’re nothing but a failure so they’ll fail anyways so why bother. They’ve never wondered if they’re worthless. Or why no matter how hard they try it’s never good enough. Because if they ever have been in a place like that they wouldn’t write these scenes or make the jokes they make because they’d get it.

[doctor-loboto]

okay guys grab some s’mores ingredients and turn up the burner because a disabled person is going to get all weird and serious about fandom stuff

Loboto is kind of a deconstruction of the “absent-minded professor” archetype (which is thematically appropriate because all the inmates pretty much fit the mold of “one-dimensional and kind of ableist joke on the surface, actual person on the inside”). Some people think of Loboto as an outlier in the cast who doesn’t portray a person with a specific diagnosis, although this is a less common opinion after Rhombus of Ruin. The Psychonauts series is, on rare occasion, criticized for its exaggerated and unrealistic portrayal of mental illness. I feel that this is because its cartoonish imagery and tone tends to take center stage and the realistic portrayals of mental health struggles, especially in secondary characters, can be more subtle and hard to detect, usually only being picked up on by people with similar experiences.

So this brings us to Loboto’s psychosis/trauma/brain injury (depending on what you personally emphasize in your headcanon, probably a healthy mix of all of three in canon) symptoms. The most obvious ones are excessive anger/irritability and a hyperfixation on teeth that may involve delusions about the role of teeth in the body. But if you look at his dialogue and behavior, you’ll also notice that he seems to have a lot of issues with his memory and situational awareness.

For example, his introductory scene in PN1 where he pauses and asks Dogen why he’s screaming. I’ve brought this up before and explained that I think he honestly forgot for a second what he was doing and why his patient was making so much noise before looking at the evidence around him and remembering. I have memory problems and schizophrenia-related confusion and I’ve forgotten what time of day or year it is, whose house I’m in, why I’m holding a pencil, etc. Loboto may have a lot of trouble keeping information straight, which could be very inconvenient or even dangerous for him considering that he lives largely outside of society and engages in sketchy activity.

In fact, the state of his memory may be the only reason Truman’s brain was able to be recovered. This also could have made Gristol very hostile to Caligosto once he realized the man he chose to carry out his plan could barely remember the instructions clearly. Antipsychotics in particular can make it hard to hold even the shortest amount of information in your head; his brain could have been further damaged by years of overmedication with primitive drugs in Thorney Towers. It’s also interesting that when Loboto is shown trying to remember in the opening level of PN2, he gets frustrated and actually directs his abusive anger towards himself. This leads me to believe that he has self esteem issues regarding his memory and maybe secretly thinks of himself as having a “bad brain”. Caligosto places a lot of importance on his intelligence and scientific accomplishments (“I’m the dentist of the century!”) because it’s one of the few objective things he has to hold onto about his identity that makes him feel good about himself.

If you look at the bigger picture, Loboto isn’t just a villain with a traumatic past, he’s a disadvantaged disabled person who is surviving in the only place that he’s allowed to exist without being medically subjugated, and even that is challenging because of the way his mind works. He’s angry at the Psychonauts for “kidnapping” him and feels that they’re intentionally hurting him and taking away his lifestyle (sidenote: you could read that memory vault as “Loboto is so confident and self-centered that he thinks the Psychonauts are just being mean to him” but it could also be seen as “Loboto sees everyone as a cartoon bully and assumes they want to hurt him because so many authority figures in his life have hurt him and that’s what he expects”) when they actually most likely saved his life because he otherwise would have died prematurely in a lab accident or been killed by an angry client for fucking up.

[humming-pokemon-helpers]

I wonder how you felt when you first found rebirth as a Hisuian Zorua.

Anger?

Spite?

Malice?

What kept you holding on to life, clinging to it like a man who is hanging by a fraying rope over a chasm, whose legs only catch the air?

What commonality is there between you and that one?

…I’m not sure what possessed you to send this to me, exactly. Nor can I speculate on “that one”, whoever’s name you invoke.

But if you want a straightforward answer… I don’t remember anything from the “in-between” or anything like that. Maybe it doesn’t exist for people like me. Kids like me; I was so young then.

It was about how you seem to envision it, though. Pain to anger to clinging in pure spite to malice. I didn’t know who or what to direct that malice at for a long time, either. The person who decided somebody like me wasn’t worthy to live? My parents, for making me live through this? Or maybe humans were the problem overall. Mostly, I was so angry towards myself. For ruining things. For getting the honored pack leader killed. For running away with his son, who tried to give his life for mine. And I wasted that anyways by going and dying.

I’ve had years of therapy by now. I’ve lost my hard edges. Most of the pack’s too young to even remember the event. But it’s still tough for me to face the elders. Even when they tell me I grew up well. Even when they play with the pack’s newest members, changed in form by their own father’s trauma. It’s tough, to drop that lingering malice. Working on it, though. And it gets better with all of that work.

[wolfprincesszola]

Reasons Not to Kiss Him

INSPIRED BY "REASONS NOT TO KISS HIM" BY NATALIEWEEPOETRY

ngl cringing over every single thing i write even if i know it's not bad. have some wrightworth/narumitsu rot. enjoy and remember that likes and reblogs are greatly appreciated <3 ——————– Summary: Miles Edgeworth debates whether or not to kiss Phoenix Wright when there are so many reasons against kissing him.

Trigger Warnings: Self-Hatred, Slight Mention of Suicide

Content Warnings: Swearing

<Masterlist> <Read it at ao3> ——————–

"Kiss me."

The words uttered were so quiet Miles couldn't even register it as a whisper. It was more of a muttering under a breath than something Miles could register as speaking. For a second, Miles would have thought that it was nothing. Waved it off as something Phoenix was mouthing with no real intention to act on it. A joke Phoenix wanted to say, but stopped himself from uttering. A voice that died in his throat.

But then, Miles saw the way Phoenix looked at him. He saw the way Phoenix swallowed nervously, his Adam's apple moving up and down with every second that Miles didn't speak. He saw the way Phoenix's eyes darted at every part of his face for any clue that Miles got his message. He saw the way Phoenix's lips wavered, debating whether or not to utter the fact that he was joking. Or maybe he should keep his mouth shut, pretend like he didn't say it, just as Miles was wondering whether or not to pretend not to hear it. Miles almost didn't.

Phoenix took the silence as Miles hearing the first statement and he expounded on his statement, "I'm not scared of you. Please. Kiss me?"

Phoenix meant what he said and that was what scared Miles. Miles loved the man. He sure did. It had been more than a decade of knowing him as a defense attorney and a long time coming that they had gotten together. It would be awful if Miles didn't love Phoenix with how long they had been together; he knew the man loved him the same way. Maybe even more than Miles. But the fact that Phoenix had wanted Miles to kiss him and that Miles didn't know if he could scared him. It scared him shitless.

There were thousands of things against their relationship. Against the idea of them kissing each other. He knew that, but that wasn't what he cared about. That wasn't what scared him. In fact, he couldn't care at all about the people that hated their relationship, about the things that were trying so hard to keep them apart. He could waive them off without a single thought.

It was his mind that scared him. Because he was listing every reason he shouldn't kiss Phoenix in his mind, trying to find a reason to say no. Ten came to mind that was stopping him.

One. Miles wasn't raised to love tender.

As much as he hated it, he was still Manfred von Karma's student and his mentor was not someone who loved tender. If he even loved at all. Miles still wasn't sure about that, but he was taught to hurt and lash out when he was attacked. To sting a bee before it could sting him. That meant that with love, he was expected to lash out before he could truly be loved and appreciated. That meant that being loved by Phoenix scared him so much because he didn't know how to stay with Phoenix when all Phoenix needed was a hug or to talk about his feelings. He was always taught tough love. Stand up and pick himself back up so he would know how to help others pick themselves up. He tried his best. He helped others with picking their broken pieces up and trying to help glue them back together, but it was different with Phoenix. Phoenix was delicate porcelain China and unbreakable plastic containers at the same time. Almost impossible to rip apart, but almost impossible to put back together again. Miles struggled when it came to helping him because the way Miles loved came from a place of hatred. It was filled with hiding the truth. It was filled with too much grief. It was filled with frustration. It was filled with staying quiet and listening. It never was speaking out and preventing him from making those mistakes. Phoenix himself knew that, but for some odd reason, he didn't seem to mind. He didn't seem to mind that Miles wasn't raised to love tender. Instead, he always lent a hand in helping Miles understand how to love him and he always tried to find a way to love Miles in the way Miles knew love to be. Phoenix compromised for Miles.

Two. When Phoenix was around, all Miles could do was tremble. When he was around, Miles wanted to get on his knees that were too weak to stand. Phoenix had so much power over him that it was dangerous.

Miles didn't like it when men had power over him. It was a sign of weakness and no one in the family that raised him was ever weak. Crying, speaking out about feelings, sadness, being too stubborn. All weaknesses that ran in the von Karma legacy. That was how it had always been, so it was suspicious how much power Phoenix had over him. How much power Phoenix chose not to use on him. Always with free will. Always with smiling at him. Phoenix never made Miles feel pressured to do anything, never exercised the power Phoenix had over Miles to make him do what he wanted. There was always a "only if you want to" and "would you mind helping me" hidden behind all of Phoenix's requests. He could have Miles at his every beck and call. Making him food, buying him presents, being there to satisfy his every need. Yet, he didn't. It was weird considering what Miles dealt with in his family. He was asked to do things that seemed more like demands. "Help your sister", "do these chores", "excel in your courses", "listen to me whenever I ask". That was how it was, especially as an eldest son. It was expected of him and it was fine. His family knew they had power and respect over him, and Manfred von Karma especially exercised that authority. Phoenix? He understood how much Miles was head-over-heels for him. He understood just how much Miles's heart pounded every time he approached the man, just how much he had Miles wrapped around his finger, just how much his smiles could make his day better in just a millisecond. Phoenix could easily have Miles serving him, but instead, Phoenix gave Miles all the power he had over him. Phoenix gave Miles the self-control to be who he wanted around him. Miles wasn't too sure how he liked that.

Three. Phoenix was too good at forgiving and Miles was too good at violence.

He never exercised it at Phoenix, but Phoenix had seen how angry he could get. Phoenix had seen just how much Miles loved him because he had gladly punched plenty of people who harassed him endlessly. A couple of school bullies, stalkerish fans, criminals, and more. Miles had seen them all around Phoenix and he had seen just how much Phoenix had been scratched or been pushed down by them. It boiled his blood hard enough to result in him seeing red and sometimes that red was blood. Blood from the persons. He was violent and angry all the time. That was the way he was, but Phoenix didn't mind. He just smiled at Miles and patched him up without a complaint. He held Miles' glasses so Miles wouldn't break them and protected Miles from getting hit. He had stepped in a few times and had even defended Miles for hitting them. It didn't make sense. How come Phoenix wasn't scared of him? How come he continued to forgive Miles? How come he never seemed to care that Miles was so good at violence? How come he could trust Miles so easily to know that Miles would never hit him? How could Miles trust himself to know that he wouldn't eventually hit, or more importantly hurt the people he loved? Especially Phoenix. That, he didn't have an answer to.

Four. Miles knew what society said about monsters, and most importantly, what happened to the men that loved them. Was he really going to do that to Phoenix?

He was a monster. He knew it himself. He hurt people when he didn't want to, lashing out at them either physically or verbally. Most likely verbally. He couldn't pick up on signals and sometimes, he would pick the wrong action that he knew was the wrong choice. When he should've been comforting, he gave tough love. When he was comforting, he tried to hide behind his uncomfortableness and instead tried to take a backseat stand. He didn't know how to deal with emotions. He never really learned how to deal with them. He was easy to snap and it terrified him down to every cell in his body what would happen if anyone truly made him angry. Angry enough to kill. He was sure he was close to it whenever someone hurt Phoenix. He knew that the men that loved monsters always got the worst of it. Monsters always shifted back, always killed the ones that loved them, or at least what was of those. Always hurt the men that loved them and changed the men until they were almost unrecognizable. Miles knew he had already done that with Phoenix. He had seen how Maya and Larry had mentioned how differently he acted. Even Trucy, who didn't really exist in a time where Miles was out of Phoenix's life completely. They said it was better that way. That Phoenix was a fraction of an eggshell before he managed to find his identity with Miles. Miles wasn't so sure about that. He wondered if it really was a good thing. If changing Phoenix was really something that everyone adored or if everyone would eventually turn on him, the way society always did on monsters. If they would realize that Phoenix changing was awful and if they would lock Phoenix up from protecting Miles from the harm society would lash at him. If they would treat Phoenix as if he was insane and if they would hurt Phoenix for loving a monster like he loved Miles. He didn't think it was worth the risk.

Five. Miles's hands didn't know how to be gentle. He thought about the last beautiful thing he held that shattered in his palms, the fresh rosebuds crumbling between his fingers like a bruise. A wolf-man and war machine like him wouldn't know how to hold something magic and not destroy it.

Phoenix was magic to him. He saved Miles in the worst time and kept him from being drowned. He stayed there with Miles during his toughest days and was often the result of Miles having life-long debts to him. Phoenix was gentle to Miles. Always delicately framing pieces of hair out of his face, always holding him closely as if he could break if Phoenix squeezed, always giving him the kindest and gentlest smiles to keep him going throughout the day. Miles wasn't like that. Just as he was his mentor's student, he was Franziska's older brother. Just as his sister was rough with the things she did, Miles was too. Miles learned from the reckless, crushing anything in his palms that could not be pushed around or bruised. Anything magic faded and anything beautiful lost its beauty when he held it too close to him, not wanting to share it with anyone in the world. With Phoenix, Miles never wanted to let him go, but he always did before it was too late. Before he crushed Phoenix to pieces and was left staring at a broken pile of what once was beautiful. What once was the amazing Phoenix Wright. Someone who had fought through a war every day of his life wouldn't know how to hold someone who had brought him everything. Someone who had to deal with destruction in his childhood wouldn't understand how to keep something close to him without destroying it before anyone else could find out.

Six. If Miles hurt Phoenix, it might kill him.

Knowing that it physically ached his heart and made him angry to even see Phoenix be slightly wounded at any remark that was told his way, Miles knew it might kill him if he knew he hurt Phoenix. If he kissed Phoenix, he would let Phoenix in and it meant the man could be hurt. Miles always hurt the people he loved, no matter how much he tried not to. It was the way everything went. He hated it. If Phoenix shed a tear because of him, Miles would never be able to forgive himself. Miles knew the damage he did on people who made Phoenix cry or on people who tried to break Phoenix. He wondered if he would die from a broken heart because he hurt the man he loved most in the world.

Seven. If Miles hurt Phoenix, he might kill himself.

Miles knew he'd hurt anyone that even made Phoenix annoyed. That came with his love. His heart was sometimes too big that it was hard to hold it inside of him. Too physically big for him to express that he needed to do it in other ways. One of those ways being hurting those that hurt Phoenix. He knew that if Phoenix even exhaled to keep his cool, Miles could be on his way to make sure that the person would never hurt Phoenix again. If dying from a broken heart didn't kill him, he was sure that he'd kill himself. After all, he loved Phoenix in that way and if he hurt Phoenix, he would do anything in his power to make sure that he could never hurt Phoenix again.

Eight. Miles was very bad at rehabilitation. This might be one addiction he'd fail to give up. Phoenix would ruin all other kisses and all other men and he would be stuck spending the rest of his life trying to forget his name.

Miles had a history of addiction that ran in his family. That's why he never got started on drinking alcohol. It was too risky, which mean that beer and wine were out of his life. He tried his best to get rid of any other addiction he would have. Steel Samurai collectibles? No. He would never stop collecting them and would spend the rest of his life trying to hide his hobby. Shopping? No. He was already trying to stop that addiction. Coffee? Absolutely not. He could even tell from a sip he had once that the burning sensation and the ability to stay awake would spiral him into an addiction. Poker? He couldn't think to gain a gambling addiction with his luck in winning. There were so many. He never stuck to one hobby too long, fearful that it would give him an addiction. With how smitten he was with Phoenix, he was scared that if he kissed Phoenix, he would never be able to go back. He couldn't break habits and he couldn't love someone the way he loved Phoenix. Phoenix was his first and only love. He was there with Miles through thick and thin, even when Miles was awful to him. Even when there seemed to be no reason for Phoenix to help. If he kissed Phoenix, he'd never be able to get rid of him when he tried to love another man. Tried to kiss another man. If they were to separate, he'd be forever searching for a way to erase the seared memories Phoenix implanted within him from the first moment they met. He just couldn't.

Nine. Miles still wasn't sure Phoenix wasn't just a dream.

Phoenix came at just the right time. He saved Miles from the lies Manfred von Karma gave him and solved the mystery behind his father's murder. From the deepest pits of hell and helped Miles pick the pieces back up that he tried to do himself with difficulty. Phoenix made it seem so easy to support Miles and he gave him the stepping stones to help Miles love himself. To know who he was as a person. It was no wonder that Miles fell in love with Phoenix after that. For that to be taken away from him at a moment's notice was heartbreaking by itself. He had tested it plenty of times. Pinched his cheeks, smacked his face, felt Phoenix's face. All to see whether or not the man was part of a great dream he was having. As if the man would disappear if he were to blink, and he would be thrown back into the real world where he was the Demon Attorney.

Ten. If Miles kissed Phoenix, he might wake up.

If Phoenix was truly just a dream, Miles knew that it would have to come to an end. If this was really his picture perfect movie, it had to end somewhere. And most of the time, it ended right at the kiss. If he kissed Phoenix, there was a chance he would wake up, alone in a bed that didn't have Phoenix in it. Alone in a life that Phoenix did not exist in or in a life where Phoenix did not exist in as his. That terrified him to even think about. Thousands of hours poured into loving a man that was just a dream. Thousands of hours poured into loving a man that would be gone in a blink of an eye. If he stayed in that moment, if he stalled the ending, it would be okay. He could stay with Phoenix for as long as he wanted.

But then, he looked at Phoenix, who was still waiting for his answer. Who was searching his face for any context clues about how he was feeling. Who had just whispered his name to try and get his attention back to the matter at hand.

"Miles."

Then, he began to search for the reasons to kiss him.

One. Because Phoenix was beautiful.

Even if beauty was in the eye of the beholder, Miles could agree that he loved everything about Phoenix. From the jaw he traced his fingers over every time he tried to memorize Phoenix's face to the raven hair that could only be described as the same color of obsidian to the blue eyes that reminded Miles of the salty waves in the ocean. The type of blue in the waves that could drown him if he was pulled in too deep. If he wasn't careful enough. All of Phoenix's appearance. And all of his personality. His kindness, his enthusiasm, his happiness, his bravery, his chaoticness, his consideration, his ability to love, his heart, his brain. All of it. Every part of him was beautiful to Miles and that was enough for Miles to understand that Phoenix Wright was the most beautiful thing he had ever come across. How could he reject such a beautiful thing?

Two. Because Phoenix asked.

There he was, so politely asking Miles to kiss him. To humor his wishes and to offer something that could so easily be shut down. It was brave what Phoenix did. Putting his heart out so easily just to ask for a simple brush of the lips. Miles couldn't fathom how Phoenix could so easily ask him just like that, as if it wasn't a make-it-or-break-it deal to their relationship. How could he say no to something so kindly asked for?

Three. Because Phoenix preceded "please" with, "I'm not afraid of you".

He had heard what Phoenix had asked. He knew Phoenix knew about his thoughts. He knew Phoenix knew Miles thought himself of a monster. He thought Phoenix feared him just as much as he feared himself, but that one sentence had changed his entire mind. In that moment, he realized that Phoenix had never been afraid of him because he knew Miles better than anyone. Knew Miles better than even he knew himself. His kindness, his heart, his anxiety, his worries. The inside and outside of him. Phoenix understood where Miles was coming from and what he was always thinking. It was always that. Phoenix somehow always knew and he knew that Miles feared himself. That he would one day mess up. That he would hurt Phoenix. And in that one sentence, Phoenix had proven that he didn't care what happened because he knew it would never happen. How could Miles not kiss Phoenix when he knew he could never hurt him?

"Yes." Miles swallowed his fears away and cupped Phoenix's face. Ignoring his pounding heart, he pulled Phoenix closer to himself. His hands shook the closer he approached the man, his lips hesitating when they were millimeters apart. Their lips brushed against each other and he could feel Phoenix's lips that were just a bit chapped from the cold of the air.

"You don't have to kiss me. It's okay." Phoenix whispered as if he knew about Miles's hesitation. "I'm not going to force you."

As Phoenix's lips moved, so did Miles's from the sheer distance. Even when Phoenix knew what he wanted and was this close to getting it, he still hesitated, wanting to know that Miles wanted it just the same as he did.

"Wright..."

"I'm serious, Edgeworth. I'm not going to force you." Phoenix grabbed Miles's face to pull himself away, but Miles couldn't allow for it. He wanted to kiss him so bad. Despite the 10 reasons he had convinced himself to not kiss Phoenix, there were still that three that were convincing him to just do it.

So he did.

He leaned in and connected their lips together, feeling as Phoenix melted in his arms.

Phoenix tasted of coffee grounds and matcha green tea. Probably from the boba drink he had just ordered. Angry Matcha or something. Matcha milk tea with an espresso shot mixed in. Miles remembered looking at the description, though he wasn't sure why that was important at the moment. Phoenix's lips weren't necessarily rough as Miles could still feel the chapstick he had put on only a few hours before, but they were rough enough for Miles to know that he had to reapply it soon.

As soon as Miles pulled himself away from Phoenix, he searched for any sign that Phoenix hadn't actually wanted Miles to kiss him, but all he found was a shit-eating grin on his face, one that he couldn't quite stop if he tried. As soon as they separated, Phoenix had pulled Miles back into his arms, pressing their lips together once more.

He was right for one thing. Phoenix was definitely an addiction that he would never want to get rid of to the point where he had forgotten a very vital part of living. At least until the two of them were practically having to push themselves off of each other to catch their breath.

Miles smiled as he stared at Phoenix, still there in front of him. So he didn't wake up. He leaned his forehead against Phoenix's, trying to hide the smile that was coming onto his face as well.

Phoenix reached over to Miles and pinched his cheek. A slight pain reached his face and he scrunched his face up just as Phoenix let go.

"What was that for?"

"Just so you know it wasn't a dream." Phoenix smiled. "I love you."

And as Miles stared into the eyes of the love of his life, he realized that it didn't matter how many reasons there were to not be with Phoenix if it meant that there was one that brought hope and kept their relationship going.

"I love you too."

[snowe-zolynn-rogers]

Eclipse: My immense self hatred vs my delusional god complex.

[radio-to-trenchcoat-demons]

oh shit, tw!vent

i think theres mentally wrong with me. i feel like im crumbling from the inside. but i hold it in like a dam to a roaring ocean. and yeah, whatever thats not okay.

i want to hurt myself for no good reason. maybe because i think im ugly, maybe simply, i have enough scars, whats a few more?

im trying to be okay for everyone. im trying to smile and deal with lifes shit thats fucking served on a rusty platter. i walk away from situations hoping ill have someone there to run after me, but i hear no footsteps and no one's there to follow me.

im feigning happiness for everyone, im being a shoulder to lean on, but i slip and say the wrong thing and suddenly im the bad guy. i have a hard time controling my words. im constantly told i need to change and fix that but belive me, ive tried for 15 years....i cant change anymore.

i think my compartmentalization makes me borderline bipolar. im a circus with multiple ringleaders dragging me everywhere and i feel like i don't deserve to be loved. i feel so shitty and tired of this life.

[caterpillarinacave]

relate to rwby characters because I also kinda want to fuckin die

[uncanny-tranny]

On the "darker" side of being comforted by one's immortality (not in the physical, but metaphorical), I've always been comforted by bone needles.

The idea that even after death, you've still been remembered by how you are used. No, bone needles probably weren't used with human bones, but it's a reminder that you aren't just going to... disappear. I'm comforted in the knowledge that I don't end in a "me" but in a "we," in nature. Everything about me is reused material so much more ancient than I am, and knowing that, I feel so much closer to the world.

[realkaijuhavecurves]

Hate how self consciousness about one's looks affects even the way you relax or don't relax when you're just sitting, you know. Just hanging out. And you're hyper aware of your stomach and your thighs or whatever and you can't relax because you know you ate too much of this or that earlier and that knowledge is like a panicked voice at the back of your head and you can't relax, you can't relax

[kissinteeth]

Loving Subaru Sakamaki is...

Kissing knives, double no triple edged knives, he hates himself above all else and he hates you for loving him,kiss him and taste blood off your lips.

İt's hard to say what makes you fall for him, is it your warmth? Your unrelenting faith in him? Perhaps it was your daredevil attitude? Maybe you're a knife too, maybe he recognised in you what he always saw in himself, boiling seething self-hatred, repulsion, hatred.

Or maybe it was him, maybe it was just him being selfish, just him desperatly trying, against himself, to prove he's lovable and you little mortal were just in the right place at the right time.

He's cold, quiet and you'll have no doubt in your mind that he despises you but then he'll hold your hand under the table, he'll cut the thorns off of roses before handing them to you and he'll offer you a knife glowing silvery in the moonlight he'll be the one holding the blade in his palm, the blade will be bloody before you take it.

He'll teach you how to fight, how to mend wounds and how to hunt, he'll keep you away from his mother and his brothers at all cost, he'll love you, quietly, guiltly. He'll force the blade into your hands when you're sick or having nightmares and when he can't take it anymore he'll pack your bags for you and kiss you goodbye on the steps down, you'll feel the blood drip down your chin.