#she could have had an avocado or something else high in the fats

[biitchcakes]

@thesilverandjetsystem sent: 🍿 - Popcorn! Do they have butter on their popcorn? Extra salty? Do they get any of the coloured popcorn at movie theatres or just the usual stuff? // ( accepting )

EXTRA butter — this is the woman who ate sixteen sticks of butter in one sitting while she was pregnant, so she wants that popcorn so buttery she can see her reflection in the sheen on her fingers.

The salt is deffo covered by the butter at the rate she uses it, I'd say.

No colour, she gets just regular popcorn when she goes to the movies — except she goes over and loads it with all that butter just mentioned. Occasionally she'll flavour the popcorn with buffalo or nacho cheese from the shakers they've got in cinemas. But she's definitely most about the classic butter taste. She kind of likes caramel popcorn, but she's more into savoury flavours.

[modestlyabsurd]

Wallflower's Diner (Loki x Reader)

The old familiar ding-a-ling of the entrance bell. You hear it every morning when you clock in for work, and all day long during your double shifts; it sings its welcome for hungry people as they come into the diner.

Wallflower's was a little twenty-four hour hole-in-the-wall greasy spoon with a nice, artfully modern atmosphere. Regulars among newcomers come in every day, greeted by a happy person and the smell of food cooking, but what really reeled them in was the tasteful, down to earth decor and style. Natural light shines through wall to wall windows. 

Happy green succulents and wildflowers sit on tables in abstract pots and vases. Bright murals of inspiring quotes swirling above skyscrapers color the walls, inside and outside. The tables were covered in reusable cloths with uncolored pictures of birds and cityscapes, and each table gets a box of washable markers to color with while they wait for their food. Even the to-go boxes are decorated with intricate designs. 

Landing a job at this gem was something to be appreciated - and you did. 

Even though you had to work double shifts five or six days a week to support yourself - the cost of living for a young person in New York was far more than you expected - you loved working at Wallflower's. It was such a happy place. 

Some days you worked the kitchen, some days you worked the front house. Today you worked the kitchen. And since it was one of those mornings where frankly you didn't feel like waking up at five o'clock, at least you wouldn't have to deal with the public. 

The morning breezed by smoothly as you sliced bread, cut fruit and vegetables and mixed pancake batter. Breakfast tickets started piling in at six o'clock. Soon, the kitchen smelled of coffee, omelettes, sweet pastries and fruity smoothies. You and the rest of the staff were popping out orders and washing dirty dishes like clockwork. A few people even dropped coins and bills into the tip jar on the order counter. 

You recognized some of the regular orders and thought of the faces belonging to them while you cooked. One came in that made you smile upon reading it; breakfast burrito with scrambled eggs, peppers, cheese, sour cream and avocado (extra crispy, smushed down flat). 

And before your mind can put it together, here comes a flash of blue as Peter Parker runs in the kitchen, peeking into the ticket window. "Hey Y/N!" he pants, resting his chin on his propped up elbows on the window. He resembles a puppy in the most ridiculous way. 

"Hey Pete! What on earth are you doing here this early?" Peter usually came in after school hours to pick up a snack - a strawberry mango smoothie on most days - so seeing him before school even began was unusual. 

"We were outta milk, so I couldn't have any cereal." 

"Really? I'd die." 

He laughs, "I know right? And plus I haven't had a breakfast burrito in a while so it works." 

"How's Aunt May?" you ask while pouring eggs onto the griddle, thinking fondly of how much she cares about Peter and how much she really deserves a vacation. 

"She's good. She's been worried a lot, though. About the internship." 

The internship for Tony fuckin' Stark. Man, that kid got blessed. 

"I'm sure she is - I mean, she's probably not ready to let go of you yet, dude. And you have been a little more stressed out lately," you fold the pastel yellow eggs on top of each other in a roll and add a dash of seasonings - onion, cayenne, parsley - just 'cause he's special. 

"Yeah, but I'm fine. She literally has nothing to worry about, I grab coffee and sweat towels for a team of superheroes. How is that dangerous?" 

You cock your eyebrow. He thinks he's slick. He has no clue that you know he's Spiderman on the weekends, and that's what he does for Tony Stark. 

But it's fun to watch him stammer and stutter sometimes when you're onto him. 

"It depends on the superheroes, I guess. What are they like, anyway? The Avengers, that is," you ask inquisitively. 

"Oh man, Captain America is so cool. He talks about his life back in the forties all the time, about the radio stations, the sports, and sometimes he talks about his time in the war and it helps me with history tests - b-but don't tell anyone that! That's cheating!" 

"You're such a goody two-shoes." Of course, so were you. It's a part of why you and Peter became friends. "Don't worry, I won't tell. What about anyone else?" you say, generously sprinkling the cheese onto his unrolled burrito. 

"Uh, oh! I - ah," a waitress places another ticket above his head. After watching to make sure she left back into the dining area, he leans even closer into the ticket window. "I'm not supposed to tell anyone this." 

"Spill the tea, Parker." 

He stares as you carefully roll his burrito up with gloved hands, fighting with himself. He promised Happy he wouldn't tell, but he wants to tell someone so bad! And he trusts you. You've been there for him; you've talked to him for your entire hour-long break of your twelve hour shift when he failed his driving test. You've helped him study at the library before. You've even given him food on the house, which he knows is on you. You're a few years older than him, but he really considers you a friend. 

As his face becomes sweaty from steam and his stomach growls at the sight of his breakfast crisping up, he gives. 

"I met Thor the other day." 

"You what?!" 

"Shh!" he smiles hugely, "be quiet! Yes, they came from Asgard two days ago." Both yours and Peter's eyes have grown wider by at least two centimeters. 

"Thor?!" 

"Yes Thor! The real Thor! And Loki." 

Your heart sank a mile. 

That can't be right. 

"Wait, his brother? The one who tried to take over Earth? Loki? He's here too? Why is he here?!" you hiss, flipping the burrito violently, the questions tumbling out before Peter has time to answer them. 

"Hold on, hold on! Wait! He's good now! He's different! He doesn't want to kill anybody!" 

"You talked to him?!" 

"Yes! Well, I didn't really talk to him much, but he did say hi to me when Mr. Stark introduced us. Then he disappeared for the rest of the day." 

"Not suspicious at all!" 

He chuckles at the whisper-yelling you're both doing. Thankfully, he'd expected such a reaction. "C'mon, I know it sounds crazy, but Thor says he's had a change of heart. Maybe he's worth a chance, y'know? I mean, he hasn't hurt anyone yet. Well, actually he did - " 

"I don't even wanna know," you close your eyes and wave your hands, dismissing the thought of whatever it was. 

"It was just a prank! It was actually pretty funny." 

"I'll take your word for it, loser." You wrap his extra crispy, smushed down flat food in some recycled paper, then drop it into a bag with whimsical designs all over it. You write on it with a sharpie, You're really not a loser. "Actually, y'know what? I wanna know all about this later. It sounds too good to be true." 

"Believe it, babe. Keep the change!" He throws five dollars at you and it lands on the hot griddle and before you have time to berate the little rat for contaminating and for calling you babe, he's running away. The door ding-a-ling's as he bolts through it. 

You're left, picking up the bill off the stove before it catches fire. The burrito only cost a dollar and some change, so that was a fat tip; especially for a cook. 

You pocket the money, shaking your head and smiling to yourself. "Have a good day, loser." 

~

Aside from the usual lively, tiring high you get from working, talking with Peter was the highlight of your day. It left you eager to know more about the Avengers and their stories, about history, about Asgard, about space, about everything. 

You kept having to stifle a nagging emotion - anxiety? fear? maybe just nerves - when your mind pulled to the fact that Thor's brother Loki is on earth at this very moment. Only by grace were you not affected by the attack on the planet years ago, but the damage was done regardless. You were merely lucky. 

The disgust and disdain wanted to take over and sour your outlook, but pure curiosity overpowered that. Peter claims that Thor vouches for Loki now. He's biased, you think to yourself, before the angel on your shoulder pipes up, So are you. 

By the time you realize you're having a mental conversation with yourself, the countertops are wiped sparkling clean and ready for the five o'clock turn of shifts. The natural light had moved, casting longer dramatic shadows in different patterns across the checkered floor and painted walls. 

Part of you was a little bummed that Peter hadn't returned after school to pick up his usual smoothie. You'd really wanted to learn more of the Avengers and the mysterious Loki. If only you could ask May, but Peter said he wasn't supposed to tell anyone and by the sounds of it, he hadn't. You clock out at five-fifteen. Alas, you'll just have to wait.

~

Thank heavens the next day wasn't a double shift, since you were waiting tables. Although you still had to wake up at five in the morning. 

The sun shined through the diner windows in warm yellow rays, a nice contrast to the brisk morning chill. The week had ended, taking some of the initial hustle and bustle with it. Rush hour didn't start until afternoon hours on weekends which gave you and your co-workers a bit of down time to relax.

But to your surprise, a hostess flags you down in the kitchen as you're pinning an order to the ticket window. She pulls you by the arm out of earshot and says, "There's a party out there and they asked for you to be their server. By the way, it's the Avengers."

You stare at her, but you don't see her.

"Huh?"

"The Avengers are here."

Breaking yourself out of your anxious stupor, you roll your eyes incredulously. "Quit lying. It's the Delgado's, isn't it? With their prim and proper etiquette and - holy hell."

You peek over the bar.

It's the Avengers.

Habitually you begin counting heads. So, it's not all of them; there are six heroes and you only count five heads - is that Peter? - sitting along the makeshift party table toward the shadowed back of the dining area. That's definitely Peter, with Thor, Tony Stark, Steve Rogers and Jesus gremenies Loki is out there too?!

Only when a sharp pain shoots from your bottom lip do you realize you're chewing it, thinking of all the ways to curse Peter later. 

In a rush you thank the hostess and pat down your waist apron to make sure everything's there, then you're standing at the front of the table overlooking the civilian-dressed Avengers.

Your usual, partially rehearsed introduction goes exceptionally smooth. "Hey guys! Welcome to Wallflower's! My name is Y/N and I will be your server this morning. Is this your first time here?" 

Tony Stark who sits at the end like a throne speaks up, "It is, thanks to the kid, here," he mumbles, elbowing Peter in the arm. "He says he knows you." 

"Yes, unfortunately, I do know Mr. Parker - " 

"Hey!" Peter suddenly stops petting the succulent centerpiece at your fake cringing, making the whole table laugh and smile. All but one. Beside Peter. 

One of the two sitting closest to you. 

"Well, I dunno what all he briefed you on, but as you can see your table is a giant washable coloring book," they look down, suddenly noticing all the little swirls and blank spaces empty of color. You pull out small boxes of assorted washable markers from your apron and while you pass them around, realize you don't have enough for everyone. 

"That might be the niftiest thing I've ever seen," says Steve Rogers. Captain fucking America! He's already drawing on his space. 

You beam at them, "Yeah! It's one of my favorite things, getting to see the way people draw and color on their tablecloths. But it looks like I'm one box short for you guys, so I'll bring one more with your drinks. Everyone know what they're having?"

The first three, Tony, Peter and Steve, order their fountain drinks without a problem. The last two, however, haven't the first idea what a Coca-Cola or a Sprite is. Peter takes it upon himself to try and explain the concept of carbonated drinks, but fails miserably. Leaving Thor and Loki with even more confusion.

"Do you serve alcohol?" Thor asks innocently, making you nearly bubble over laughing.

"I'm afraid not. But we have coffee, sweet iced tea, orange juice or just plain water if that'd be better," you look between them, and you can't hold Loki's gaze for too long. It's intense, almost invasive; unlike the blond brother's lighthearted aura. 

Immediately Thor answers, "I'll have black coffee. Very hot, please."

You take a mental note of that request, a stupid smile covering your face. Then you look to Loki, who is now choosing to stare intently at his menu. "And for you, sir?"

He contemplates his answer as if he's being interrogated.

"Plain water will be fine."

As soon as you're out of their view, you scramble away to the kitchen with a rush of unreleased adrenaline coursing through you. Your mind's racing, your heart's beating and you're pouring the heros' drinks like a mad person. Hell, you almost spilled hot coffee on your hands from shaking so much. 

The worst part was it came from you fanning over the Avengers.

You reminded yourself to focus. It was a rather slow afternoon - especially considering the circumstance that would presumably bring people to see - but there were still three other tables you had to tend to.

On your way back to the dining room you almost forget to grab another box of markers before your hands are full with the drink tray. Weaving through a couple customers and other waitresses you make it to the long table.

You circle the table to sit everyone's drinks in front of them. Everyone's locked in a childlike trance as they color and doodle on the tablecloth; you glance around and notice the one who isn't. No one gave Loki any of the markers.

"Here's your markers as well," you lean over and extend your hand with the box to Loki. He averts momentarily from staring at your face to the markers. His mouth opened and closed, not sure of what to say. So he extends a frighteningly pale hand and takes them. 

He accidentally brushes his fingertips to yours.

You both jerk away.

Damn, his hand is freezing, you thought, hiding your hand behind your back and flexing a fist; it lingered like a static shock.

He's gotten wide-eyed now, nearly apologizing. You can't help but feel bad for snatching your hand away like that.

"Cold hands means a warm heart. A-at least, that's what they say," you stutter. Loki retorts, looking down at his markers.

"You must be quite cold-hearted then."

"Loki!" Thor scolds. Although the others were now giving him dirty looks, you sensed not a bit of malice in his comment. In fact, your cheeks were heating up a great deal. 

"Please, Y/N, don't mind the asshole," Tony says waving his hand in Loki's direction.

"Oh believe me, I've dealt with far worse just this week. Being called cold-hearted is a nothing," you assure them. The genuine grin on your face is helping a lot. "Are we ready to order?"

With that, you scribble each of their orders down onto your notepad before gathering the menus and making way back to the kitchen. The steamy heat hits your face like a splash of cold water. Exactly what you need.

You almost want to giggle out loud at the fact that you're semi-nailing being the Avengers' waitress. They're happy, they're comfortable, they're talking with each other. Coloring the table, still. You glance their way as you cover your other tables' refills and cheques and notice that every time you do, Loki looks up at you. Piercing enough to make you quickly avert.

The clock ticked away, closer to your thirty minute break. As much fun as you were having, the anxiety level was up there. Your mind went back to how you'd seek revenge at Peter. Maybe you'll add a big splash of lemon juice to his smoothie on Monday. Or cayenne pepper. That would be entertaining.

Once you get out of the groove, the nerves crawl up. So you occupy yourself by clearing off a couple of finished tables, balancing them on your arms to the kitchen to be washed. When you get there, the cook is placing the last plate of the team's order on the counter. Perfect timing, you think to yourself.

Defying all odds that have previously proven you a clumsy mess, you singlehandedly bring out all five plates into the dining room and make it to their table. Instantly, the markers are forgotten and the smell of toasted bread, sweet tomatoes and fresh herbs arouse the guys from their drawing. Tony, Steve and Thor are practically drooling from hunger, Peter makes grabby hands for his food.

Loki's food is served last, following the order in which it was taken. You set his plate in front of him, covering whatever he'd been diligently drawing.

He looks up at you again, meeting your eyes, and holds them there for a second longer. 

"Thank you."

That feeling in your hand earlier? It's back, but now it's spreading through your sternum.

"You're welcome."

You find yourself still staring even after he's dropped his grateful gaze to his plate. 

Air shoves its way into your chest.

"Alright! Please enjoy, and you guys just let me know if you need anything." A round of muffled appreciation sounds come from the team as they've already began shoveling.

What am I feeling? Pre-heart attack symptoms?

People are clearing out, leaving only the team and two others dining. This gives you a chance to do some cleaning up before you take your break. And a chance to sort your thoughts.

Is he mind-controlling you? No way, that couldn't be. There's no way he'd be going places like normal people with them if that were the case. But that sure is how it feels. Like you can't get rid of the thought. The coldness. The way he holds your gaze.

Who knew that simple eye contact could arouse so many feelings?

It also feels completely and morally wrong. Love at first sight is a farce, let alone with someone of Loki's caliber. He likely looks at everyone like that. A manipulation tactic. It's not even the first time a customer has tried sweet-talking a waitress. Of course, calling someone cold hearted is certainly a unique way of sweet-talking.

But it was the way he said it!

You're no fool. You know when you're being flirted with. Or are you? Who said that one innocent comment is flirting? You very well might be a fool at this rate.

Beads of sweat have bubbled on your forehead. You wipe them on your forearm. 

Before you know it, your section of the dining area is clean. Spotless, even. You take the rag to the back to be washed with the dishes. Glancing at the clock, a sigh falls from your lips; you let another waitress know you'll be taking your break.

Being on your feet for four hours straight left them aching. Sitting on the curb was a great opportunity to stretch your legs out and pop the muscles in your back as well. You revelled in the breeze fanning your flushed face, watching the city bustle by. People on their phones, texting or talking, bums smoking cigarettes.

You stared at the scuff marks and worn spots on your boots. Distracting. From the fluttering in your chest. What an strange feeling. Warm, exciting. Queasy. Longing. All somehow from a single touch - a mere meeting of the eyes. I must be insane.

The shrill ding-a-ling of the door brings you back to reality.

Thumps hit the door behind you. Footfalls rumble the concrete and before you process it, men come barreling out and run down the sidewalk. One takes off in flight in a wisp of blond hair. It's then you realize that was Thor, and the rest of them following in their inferiority.

Tony Stark then leisurely exits Wallflower's, hands in his pockets. As if none of that happened.

Dumbfounded. That's the word.

You raise your head to look up, since he's blocking the sun from your back. "Uh, shouldn't you be with them?" you ask with a nervous chuckle.

"Probably. But I had to make sure you got this." He hands you a small white envelope with the Stark Industries logo on it. Without another word he begins strolling away toward the others, now a few blocks down.

Huh. You already miss them. Him especially. Dammit.

You open the envelope and inside is a flat stack of green. Twenties? You count them, trembling.

A three hundred dollar tip?!

~

Upon further investigation, you found their plates cleaned and strewn about the table from the dramatic exit. As you took them, you looked at everyone's drawings and colorings. Peter had nearly colored a paisley print in reds and purples, Steve had began a detailed doodle of Wallflower's Diner from the outside (he never finished the sign), Thor and Tony had the absolute messiest pictures ever, and Loki.

Goodness gracious, Loki.

He'd written admiring adjectives beginning in letters that spelled your name in loopy, beautiful handwriting. He'd began drawing intricate filigree around it, but didn't get a chance to finish. You traced the designs, engulfed by the artistic quality. Overwhelmed with sudden emotion. Breathless. No one's ever done anything like that for you...

So you're not insane!

Maybe you'll reconsider taking revenge on Peter...

[skinniplease]

I’m fucking sick

So here’s my story.

When I was 13 my family and I were visiting my family in California (in July). They were all weighing themselves and told me to step on. I was 5’0 tall and the scale read 135 lbs. My step mom exclaimed that I was too heavy and needed to lose weight. I cried myself to sleep that night and starved myself the entire next day. The next night I got drunk. The day after that, I barely ate. The week went on with me barely eating.

When we came home I went vegetarian in some attempt to lose weight. (The moral reasons came after.) I also stopped eating breakfast and lunch and would only eat small amounts at dinner time. Because I was vegetarian, I was able to make my own meals instead of eating my family’s greasy food. Almost everyday I ate a sandwich with smashed avocado and chickpeas in place of mayo with red peppers, spinach, tomatoes, and a vegan jalapeño cheese. I wasn’t vegan at the time but I wanted to cut out some fats so I didn’t eat very much dairy. In two months I went from 135 to 108.

I started school again that September (14 years old). My classmates were shocked at my size. My xs yoga pants were a little baggy. My ex boyfriend asked me if I was sick. Like seriously sick. He thought I had cancer.

I didn’t like looking sick but I did like being skinny. I made it a goal to slowly put some weight on. It took me 6 months to get to 112 lbs and I stayed there for about two years. During this time I still didn’t eat breakfast, I only ate lunch like 2x a week. For dinner I lived off of mac n cheese and blueberry waffles. If I ate too much and felt guilty, I puked. All of my lunch money went to weed, booze, and shrooms (16 years old). Blueberry waffles were my munchies. Then I got caught with weed in my moms house. I got in a lot of trouble and wasn’t allowed to be home alone. I started to eat more fruits which then made me put on more weight but I didn’t try to stop it. I wasn’t happy about it but I just managed it. I maintained 125 for a while. My parents made me go to the gym with them 6 days a week because they wouldn’t leave me at home. I worked out for 1 1/2 hours 6 days a week. 3 days a week I also did an hour long yoga class before my workout. My weight dropped to 118 but I was very toned and thin. I looked great.

When they finally let me be alone after 9 months of being grounded, I started smoking cigarettes. When I didn’t have them, I ate a ton. They curbed my appetite. (My weight went back up to 125.)Every morning before school I made myself an iced coffee and left my house with enough time for me to drive around for 20-30 minutes before school so I could smoke and just relax. That stopped when I totaled my car doing exactly that (17 years old).

I had just started dating my (current) boyfriend a month before. Within a year I gained 30 pounds. I went back to eating meat and we ate A LOT of junk food. In year two I gained another 30 pounds before I really noticed how big I’d gotten. One day I weighed myself and saw I was now 186 lbs. Holy shit how did that happen? That was December of 2017 (19 years old).

I knew I needed to lose weight but I was terrified I’d relapse into my eating disorders so I put it off. Finally after 3 months, I decided I’d try but I knew I needed to be very careful so I didn’t slip. I lost 10 pounds. Then I went to visit my family in Cali again and literally ALL they cooked all two weeks was fried food. I ate everything in moderation but still felt like shit. When I came back home after 16 days, I had gained 6 lbs back. I gave up.

From March to September of 2018 I tried SO many diets. None of them worked well enough for me. All of my friends were encouraging me to lose weight but didn’t understand how dangerous that was, even though I told them all about my past. After failing to lose weight so many times I started to feel like maybe there was something else going on. My thyroid gland was swollen so I started to think maybe it just couldn’t happen for me and gave up. In October I was at my grandparents house and decided to step on the scale. I was 184 lbs. FUCK! Why did I let myself get back here?!

The next two days while I was there I ate around 800 cals and logged them all. The rest of the week, under 600 cals. I couldn’t stand the thought of being that weight anymore so I just gave in. In one week I dropped 6 lbs. It was mostly water weight. After that first week I maintained for 10 days and that really fucked me up. The next week I dropped another 3 lbs and thought my plateau was over. Nope, there it goes again for 7 days. Since then I’ve been losing in 1 lb incriminates every 3-4 days. I now switch up my calorie intake. Monday’s and Tuesday’s I eat around 1,000-1,200 and the rest of the week I eat under 800. Wednesday’s are kinda hard for me for a lot of reasons so I pretty much always go over on Wednesday’s ):

Sunday night of this week I started a fast. I was aiming for 24 hours but by the time I knew it, I was at 36. So I thought I’d try to stretch it to 48. Tuesday morning I woke up in a sweat because I couldn’t figure out how to lie to my boyfriend about not eating that day. We always go out to eat on tuesdays. I spent 6 hours curled in a ball on the couch panicking waiting for him to wake up. Then when we left, he kept asking if I was okay because I wouldn’t make eye contact and I seemed off. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it. I was trying to stop the war in my head about breaking my fast at 40 hours. I felt like such a failure but I knew if I didn’t break it, he’d catch on.

Yesterday, I ate a low calorie breakfast and an hour later binged on a bunch of junk. 15 minutes later I felt like shit about myself and saw a photo of 5 lbs of fat and ran to the bathroom to puke. I don’t want that. Why’d I binge? I ate 800 calories in 10 minutes. Wtf. So I purged until it physically hurt to do it anymore. I’m sure I didn’t get it all though. I felt so much better. About 6 hours later, I had dinner and then binged AGAIN. So I immediately said I was going to take a shower and turned on the water and purged again. I tried to be quiet but I couldn’t so I had to stop halfway through. I feel like shit because I couldn’t even do that right.

When I got out of the shower he asked me “were you coughing up a lung in there?”

“Yeah”

“Yeah every now and then I heard *makes choking noise* and thought dang I hope she’s not getting sick in there”

I couldn’t look him in the eye and I got in bed. I feel so shitty about lying.

Now I’m afraid to eat anywhere other than home in case I feel the urge to throw up. I don’t want to deal with bulimia again. Anorexia is bad enough as it is. My relapse yesterday is really fucking me up. Puking isn’t fun and it doesn’t feel good but it felt good to lose control for a minute and then rid my body of it. It made me feel like I gained back some control.

But now I’m scared to eat anything simply because I don’t want to make myself feel guilty and purge. I don’t know what to do.

Also, it’s pretty fucking sad I’ve been dealing with this off and on and at different extremes since I was 13 years old. I’m fucking 20 now. I thought I recovered in late high school but looking back, I’m not sure I did...

[rikkuwritestuff]

Happy Accidents Ch 2

Locating Prompto was not a grueling task. His dedication to photography landed him the head photographer position not only on the school newspaper but also Chief Photographer in yearbook. Was he over loaded with extracurriculars? Yes, to the point that he had turned to one of the few exchange students to help him with his foreign studies and Niflheim language class while the other was his science partner. He needed these extra credits, the volunteering references, top grades, and the best test scores he could get if he was ever going to be accepted into the Royal University of Art in Tenebrae. Sure it would be far from home, but that did not matter since his parents where rarely, if ever, home when he was, and RUA at Tenebrae had the only Photography Department worthy of prestige and affordable outside of Accordio University. With all this extra work he had to do, it was becoming a real pain in his ass to get into. Prompto had dreams, and those dreams including attending RUA Tenebrae.

Even if it was a long shot, Prompto would not count himself out even if he did apply to The South Insomnia Institute, whose tiny underfunded fine arts department was still better than the nonexistent one at the University of Insomnia. After all don’t count your chocobo’s till they’re hatched; to reach his dreams Prompto placed his chocobo eggs in any basket he could find even if he had two years to go to prepare, that was two years for him to build up volunteer hours, extra curriculars, and even sports which was just another reason he had went to Loqi Tummelt, the Niflheim student that had not just exchanged into the school, his family happened to be the Imperial Ambassadors, the face of Gralea in the country of Lucis.

Oddly enough, for being of noble birth the young Tummelt and Prompto had turn out to be fast friends, Loqi once commenting that Prompto reminded him of someone and of his country nor did it hurt that Loqi was not to terrible to look at and that accent.

Oh Ifrit, that accent.

Prompto shook his head, lifting the 8x10 from the acetic acid careful to not drop and ruin the developing image. It was a beautiful shot one that he would treasure forever and that’s why Prompto felt the need to take his time and properly develop the image, not just fiddle around in IMPShope to adjust the tone, saturations, and hue. Noctis, Prompto smiled remember the thin fog that had risen from damp earth a few days ago, always made a perfect subject. Even if the Prince was not aware that his picture had been taken but that morning had been perfect. A late summer rain shower had rushed in, a heavy squall, that instantly cooled the air with full droplets of rain before it moved on. In the aftermath the warm earth, littered with early autumn leaves, steamed puffs of fog rising and casting an ethereal scene over the school quad, the Prince and another student having taken refugee under one of the trees that clung to its barely green leaves.

Staring into the finishing wash at the image as it cleared, Prompto breathe in and held the breath for a millisecond, respiring his crush on the Prince. His future was physically laying before him, Photography, so his dedication to it came before his dumb crush on Prince Noctis. With that went his obsession of being good enough, thin enough, perfect enough for Noctis which had taken over once, so now these next four years where dedicated to him, his self and elevating Prompto to reach those goals. Admittance to Tenebrae’s Royal University of Art and whatever else may come, not only would he reach that goal, but he would smash it.

His biggest hurdle would be the extra curriculars, track tryouts were tomorrow afternoon, and even with his growth spurt and the exhaustive workout routine, Prompto could only hope to get on the competition team. On top of that the Ardent High Photography Club was going to be him and two senior girls, Luna and Stella Nox Fleuret, twins and guest of the crown city that had decided to continue their education as well as the photography club from last year. Now all they needed was a fourth member to qualify for the school rush later in the week and become a full-fledged Ardent High Club.

He would work out how to fit in the school newspaper, it may be hard with track, photography club and his regular academics, but his needs and the newspaper’s had aligned and having a photographer that was eager to take on any assignment, even if that meant staying later on Friday nights for football games, was nothing if it got him closer to an acceptance letter.

Aware of the long nights and days ahead of him, Prompto poked the picture, submerging it down into the bath. I can do this, I got it down. Beside the extra curriculars, and school work and his weekend job at his neighborhood Bakery and fresh meat deli, a job he wasn’t legally allowed to have due to age but got anyway due to ‘familial connections’, Prompto wouldn’t have time to worry about Noctis and his disgustingly perfect face or if he was thin enough for the Prince to even glance at. Prompto was already running at twenty-seven out of twenty-four hours, no time for Noctis or to even think of just becoming his friend.

As the picture bathed, Prompto leaned against the wall a small notebook in hand as he added up his calories for that day. He may not need to be thin for Noctis, but he needed to get thinner for track.

Tropical Kale Smoothie, Peanut butter and crackers, egg, and avocado sandwich. Three plus four plus one ninety. Prompto winced, “Eight hundred…that whole bottle of sweet green tea, one thousand and twenty. And it’s not even lunch.” Pen scribbling over paper, face contorted in disgust as himself for eating two many calories, Prompto scrutinized the drying ink with unhidden disgust. “No wonder.” His arm dropped, hand brushing his sides where he still had some layer of fat on his stomach. Lost in thought, hand still rubbing over the rolls of his stomach and the upper half of thick thighs, Prompto did not hear the knob jiggling until it was to late and the door was slammed inward. The highest pitched scream erupted from his mouth, eyes wide as he stared at his assailant.

Aranea Highwind, a new resident transfer from Niflheim, stood in the doorway narrowed eyes glaring into the darkened room trying to locate him. “Oh, there you are.” She smiled, her ears moving back and up, although her tone sounded like finding Prompto was the least interesting thing she had done all day

“Uh… hi?” Prompto swallowed, tucking his note book into the back pocket of his pants. “Can I help you?” Face cast in shadow, Arena’s smile fell as stepped into the room. Behind her he could see a group or girls but could not hear their muffles whispers only their laughter and giggles. The girls tried to peer around the imposing senior even as Aranea kept her figure in front of Prompto.

“Um,” cheeks burning from the sudden attention he was getting and didn’t want, Prompto rubbed at his wrist, “Is there something you need?” He stood on his tip toes to look past Aranea, the girls beamed at him and waved. With his sudden change, even if it was not as drastic as it felt now, Prompto knew he would garner some attention, a few of the guys in P.E. gave him high fives, some asking what he had done to lose so much weight so fast. But this, at least ten girls if his quick sweep of the room outside the black room was accurate, was not what he had expected.

Aranea leaned against the wall, her red nails tapping the wall between them, “Rumor has it that you and Prince Noctis are attending the Festival of Shiva Friday.” Prompto raised a brow, of course he was going. He needed to take pictures of one of Insomnia’s largest festival for the school newspaper.

“Well, yeah.”

The loud gasp, heard around Eos, filled the room behind Aranea. “Together?” Arana leaned in, whispering the word between them.

What the fuck?

What the actual fuck?

What the fucking, fuck fuck?

Prompto coughed, brain running wild with this news. For a moment he felt like he was dumping information, like tiny Prompto’s where running through his brain setting everything but his ability to experience shock on fire. His throat tightened and he inhaled deeply remembering to breath. As calm as he could voice trembling still, Prompto leaned forward, “who told you that?”

“Noctis did!” One girl shouted as she dissolved into a mess of giggles.

“Oh” Prompto’s face turned red, thankfully the red light of the dark room was still on so none of those girls saw him flushed. “Noct, he told you that?” He stuttered, even if they could not see his blush, they would hear his embarrassment.

“Right after he told us you were his boyfriend, shortcake.”

What the, Prompto looked up at Aranea, Noctis told the female populace of the school that they, Prompto the fat chubby chunk and Noctis the Prince of Lucis and his wet dream, where dating. Prompto’s hesitation and the way his eyes darted from Aranea to the floor and back, he hoped his hesitation came off as shyness of being found out, not that he had no idea what was going on. As Prompto wondered why Noctis would pick him over one of the two Adonises he was normal seen with, Specs and Muscles, a little part inside of Prompto would always be carved out for Noctis – tiny and insignificant- Noctis would always have a place.

With that little place threatening to grow ten times in size, Prompto couldn’t, wouldn’t, leave Noctis to the devices of these girls. Brows furrowing together, Prompto looked up at Aranea, tears forming along his lashes, “he said we were going to keep it secret.” Aranea had to lean in to catch what Prompto had said, so he stated it louder, this time for all the girls to hear his heartbreak. Their secret, even if it was not real Prompto would surely act like it was.

Aranea nodded, a gentle hand resting on his shoulder, it seemed to satisfy Aranea at least. Turning to the group of girls behind her, she waved them out. “Let’s leave him be, ladies.”

Once the door was closed again and Prompto stood in the red light of the room slumped again the wall, Prompto rubbed at his eyes to dry them. “What the fuck is going on?”

[bladesofyuri]

My Excess Weight is Falling Off: How, Why, and What’s Different

This is a different kind of post for this blog, but I think it’s worth sharing.

If you’ve been following me for a few months, you may have seen a post I made asking for fitness/healthy lifestyle/accountability buddies. My weight is something that has always fluctuated and that I’ve always had a hard time with, even when I was dancing all the time and trying all sorts of “diets.” Over the past two years I found myself in a really dark place, and the weight started piling on for a number of reasons. No, I’m not telling you that as an excuse--it isn’t one. I simply wasn’t taking care of myself like I should’ve been. I was eating fairly well but not well enough, skipping meals I just felt too tired to eat (and sometimes, I’d go an entire day without one), and when I’d go to the gym, I wouldn’t do much more than the elliptical for an hour or a half hour plus some resistance training that really wasn’t challenging me. I knew I needed to work differently, but I had no motivation and my heart just wasn’t in it at all. The combination of graduate school and work was, to be frank, kicking my ass. On top of that, my social life had become nonexistent, I had no boyfriend, and didn’t really feel like I had anyone aside from two close friends who no longer even live in the same city to talk to. 

I’d even for the first time in my life grown very uncomfortable at the gym, despite knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt from my own experiences on the other side that nobody cares about what you’re doing or is even paying attention to you there. Still, I felt like a big, bloated puff waddling around it in comparison to everyone else and more importantly, compared to how I used to feel in it: strong, confident, and calm. 

Needless to say, I wasn’t exactly the epitome of health at the time.

There was something else too that’d been bothering me: more than anything, I wanted to get back into dance, despite having been out of it so long. I just needed that familiarity, that something, even if I wasn’t really in good enough shape in my mind to be doing it. One evening, I saw an advertisement, and I decided to try a class. 

That in itself was a little jarring: I suppose in the 7 years I’d been out of dance, I’d forgotten how tiny dancers really were. I’d always been thicker for a dancer, at my fittest usually being mistaken for a cheerleader or gymnast. This was also the time when I was extremely involved with martial arts, which literally shredded my fat in those tougher spots right off. I’d gone from literal fighting shape with a six-pack to fat, and on my kind of build (which is average height and very curvy), even being a little chubby shows. 

So here I was, in this dance class for a style I’d never tried before feeling very much like a potato among shorter, more toned versions of Victoria’s Secret models. It was a bit overwhelming to say the least, though it was fun. 

That said, there were a ton of concerns going through my head. This class happened to be one where you’re partnered by men the whole time, and I began to wonder what effect my weight may have on them. There were no lifts at least--but moves that involved leaning, dips, etc. were common. Not to mention, I imagined my larger body must be much harder to lead.

So, I worked out a little more, still doing the same types of thing. Elliptical, treadmill, occasional resistance. I tried cutting carbs (more on that later), had a brief and desperate stint of limiting myself to one small meal a day (unhealthy and disastrous--I gained weight), and several other things that were so ineffective they aren’t worth mentioning. I thought that maybe despite my age my metabolism had already begun slowing down rapidly. 

Not knowing what else to do, I decided to see a nutritionist. 

We started meeting regularly, and she worked to figure out what exactly was going on. On paper, I wasn’t eating particularly badly: I had a few off days here and there, but combined with the amount of exercise I was getting daily (from walking back and forth to work and class, those 3-4x a week gym sessions, plus the new dance class additions), she had a little trouble deciphering what was wrong at first. I was particularly frustrated--I’d lost weight before, dropped my body fat percentage to a staggeringly low but still healthy amount for a female, and yet nothing I was doing now seemed to be working. My weight just fluctuated naturally as it always had. I had my resting metabolic rates checked, and some other tests run too.

Well, I thought when everything checked out to be within normal range, at least I was finally having some fun. I loved my dance classes and each made me feel quite a bit better on a daily basis even if I did still have those occasional nights when depression and anxiety really decided to kick in. Though the styles were different, I was doing something I loved again and meeting new people who were kind, informative, and encouraging, and that was more than I’d had in some time.

It still wasn’t enough for me, though. Not really. I’d dance around my apartment, listening to the kinds of music I used to dance to--hip-hop in particular. It always had been my strongest style, and I decided to try out the studio’s advanced class. I had, after all, done it for many years, and was still pretty confident I could move like I used to if my probably hilarious apartment dancing was any indication.

I took a class. 

I realized they filmed everything. 

And I watched those videos back. Sure, I still had it and had somehow managed not to lose much of my skill, even if I had been out of it for so long. No doubt this is thanks to the physical activity I’d maintained, even if it wasn’t up to par with what I’d done in my dance and martial arts days. Seeing that first video generated two thoughts in my mind:

1. I was still good. Very good. 

2. I was still good, even keeping up with the pros in my class, but the person dancing in that video wasn’t me. 

People have different opinions when it comes to being on camera. Some think it’s unhealthy to use it as a motivator, believing that it can develop an obsession. But I’m not that type, and in my mind, using videos to hold myself accountable is no less unhealthy than sitting on Tumblr feeling sorry for myself and eating myself into a blob, which is exactly what I felt I was. Nobody was “shaming” me. It wasn’t society or beauty standards or anything of the sort. I simply wasn’t happy with myself, and this video proved it. 

I kicked it into high gear. As much as I may not often admit it I’m a highly competitive person. I see either someone who’s better than me at something and what to get to their level or surpass them, or I see myself and want to overcome that current self and transform it into something better. This, for better or worse, was exactly the blend of both I needed. I could dance like the people around me, and where I was a little rusty I knew I could get back, but I didn’t look as strong as them just because of my body.

I made small changes to my diet. I’ve always had a running joke about having the appetite of a lineman, and to this day that’s true. I like my food, and I like to eat. A lot. But I changed what I ate and when. I eat no breads or rice after lunch, instead loading up on lean meats and veggies. I don’t snack on things like yogurt at night anymore, either. Instead, I whip up some egg beaters (I highly recommend the southwestern flavor, by the way) and throw some lean, deli-cut turkey breast in with it. That’s my current go-to late-night snack. Other snacks are usually hard-boiled eggs or something along the lines of raw vegetables, fruits with a light dusting of Stevia over the top for those sweet tooth days, and carrot fries with a light ranch. I also make good use of frozen fruits that keep forever and that I can throw into a blender with some Greek yogurt. Breakfast is often something like a grilled chicken breast with eggs (my ultimate weaknesses is Chick-fil-A’s egg white grill when I need a speedy breakfast on the go), a poached egg with half an avocado and a slice of wheat toast, or something along those lines. I’ve also tried the toast + peanut butter + banana thing, though it was a bit sweet for my taste. Lunch is a bit broader: I enjoy salads but not enough to have them daily, and lunch admittedly tends to be my least healthy meal of the day. I had a cheeseburger today for example, which I do not recommend, but if you’re going to do something like that, just make sure you’re opting for a side salad or something similar instead of fries. My aim for lunch tends to be a light salad or a something like a burrito bowl with very little to no rice. I focus on lean meats and vegetables for both lunch and dinner, so depending on what I’ve prepped or am planning to make/have, I make the according adjustments to my lunch. 

One thing I cut out completely--and a cut that pains me as it will my fellow Southerners--is sweet tea. I love sweet tea. I grew up on sweet tea and it’s quite literally the taste of home. This is something I had to ween myself off of over the course of a couple weeks on the days I ate out, ordering 1/2 sweet, 1/2 unsweet drinks. I’m happy to say I’ve already broken the habit, and it’s already become natural for me to order or make unsweet tea and either drink it as is or add just a pinch of natural sweetener in. Likewise, I cut back on sugary coffee drinks, though that wasn’t as difficult for me. I don’t mind the taste of black coffee, so that’s all well and good.

Once I did all of these things, I started noticing little things. Those leggings that had been too tight suddenly started to fit perfectly. My workout pants that I’d gone a size up on because of my chubbier areas started falling off--literally, to the point where I constantly have started having to pull them back up. My stomach and waist area--which is the one and only area I always have lost weight quickly in--has already gone from being jiggly to flat. My lovely (yes, this is sarcasm) Viking arms I inherited from my dad and my thick cyclist legs I inherited from my mom are already slimming down and toning. I started bodyweight circut classes and free weights again, though I definitely still enjoy my resistance days. It turns out I don’t need any additional cardio now that I’m dancing again, and I really only do short stints of it for stamina purposes.

And suddenly, it’s all been put into perspective. 

My biggest block was settling for not enough. 

I was eating in a more healthy way than the average person, but it wasn’t enough. I was working out regularly, but not in a way that was enough. I had no real routine or regulation for what I was eating beyond just staying under a certain calorie count, and not a good enough routine in the gym.

I’m not saying don’t go get on that elliptical or treadmill if that’s something that makes you feel good and helps you. Everybody’s different. Some people really can drop weight as long as they’re up and moving, and it really doesn’t matter what they do during that time. Others, like myself, need more specific exercise, and from experience I know mine is a combination of dance or martial arts and weights/bodyweight. Running does nothing. Ellipticals do nothing. Cycling does nothing. I have to do weights, and I have to have workouts that engage my entire body.

I’m happy to say within the past month of really hitting it this hard, not only have I lost weight, but I’m nearly down a size in everything (the latter of which is more over the course of two months). It really was just making the right changes and remembering what works for me, along with figuring out the new things that work for me since I obviously no longer live under my parents’ roof like I’d done the first time I’d really gotten fit. I had to figure out a way to cook for myself and make the right decisions when I do get fast food. I had to really start putting in the right work at the gym.

And you know what? It’s worth it.

I’ve even developed something of a social life through my classes again, and I’m loving every minute of it. It’s worth it to go into those classes and meet people, encourage them while they encourage you, and let them help to make you the best you can be through their sheer dedication and skill. 

As for the darker mental side of it all, depression and anxiety don’t go away, but you can train yourself to push through them again, and you might just find those spells starting to dwindle a bit when you do. For me in every way, shape, or form, these changes have all been worth it. 

Find what works for you and go for it not halfway, but all out. 

[cameronomicon]

I Dream of Jeanie

This blog begins like everything else: with the supernatural. A ghost story. Well, it’s a story about two ghosts: one is corporeal, flesh and bone, hungry. He haunts his own life and the lives of the people who love him. That ghost is me, Cam, a career alcoholic, prescription amphetamine and nicotine addict, and struggling adult human. The other ghost is haunting him. And others. In Orange County, California, of all the world’s god-forsaken places. 

It’s September 2, 2018. I have just emerged from medical detox in a treatment facility in Mission Viejo, California, where I was admitted the evening of August 30. 

The days and weeks preceding this were a blur of teary eyed calls with friends and coworkers, vomiting, tremors, all-day drinking, zero rest, little food, and, finally, an evening drive south to rehab with a very patient friend. I had my dog in tow. The vomit he had saved for over an hour an a half was his parting gift for my friend and her car’s interior as we pulled into the driveway of our suburban destination. 

She is a very, very patient friend. 

The first thing I remember at the facility was the cops showing up to deal with a violent intake who screamed at the graveyard shift tech relentlessly about getting their medication. For the next two and a half days, I staggered around the in an Ativan-induced fog. I managed to execute a supervised grocery run, though I have no recollection of this event. 

After detox, I was driven to one of the houses where I would undergo residential treatment for the disease that has ruled my life in one manifestation or another since that first, boiling-hot, high-school-sized swig of whisky in the Wyman family back house all those years ago. It was, frankly, magic. Alcohol activated something in me that finally allowed me to feel comfortable in my own skin, around others, and as a part of the world. 

A few days passed, and I began to emerge from behind the benzodiazepine cataract. I woke up early one day, as I did every day, and stumbled about in my coffee-making and dog-letting-out routine. I stood outside with a steaming mug amidst the low fog of the costal marine layer, which enveloped palm trees in a smudgy gray that, especially in the golden sunlight of the hours which follow, always seemed eerie and alien. That’s when the graveyard tech walked out to join me. 

“Morning, how you feeling?” he asked. 

“I’m ok.” My dog set off across the yard at a full clip to pursue a rustle in a bush. “Slept like shit, though.”

“Oh really? Must have been that woman screaming.” He laughed.

“The what?” I was incredulous. It was too early. I turned away and watched the fog lick at the clay rooftop tiles of the ascending rows of identical homes on the ridge that kept us from the sea.

“You didn’t hear it? I hear the screams every night.”

*

Over the next few days, residents and staff alike compared notes. All who heard the screaming said it happened late at night, around 3am, and they could not pinpoint the source. Some said it came from across the street, others swore it they heard the scream coming from down the hill. Some of the staff had contemplated calling the police. 

I never heard the screaming because I went to bed too early to be a witness. But there were the nightmares. Horrifying, vivid nightmares the likes of which I’d never experienced before. Graphic visions of being sexually assaulted, of torture, of humiliation and suffering. Horrible, paralyzing dreams that would interrupt my sleep several times every night and continued to haunt me well into my waking hours. The following is from my journal, slightly edited:

“I had a dream last night that I was violently raped by (someone) ... who I was sent to ... as punishment for making a rug dirty. (They) screamed at me and laughed while (they) did it and when I cried (they) made it worse ... Then I was surrounded by empty beer bottles in my childhood bedroom and voices kept saying 'I thought you quit.’”

At the time of this writing, I feel that the whole, unedited content of this and the other dreams I experienced is too graphic for me to feel comfortable sharing. 

This happened to me every single night for over a week.

*

When we told our reiki practitioner about the screaming, she was unfazed. 

“That sounds like Jeanie,” she said matter-of-factly before she began our sessions. “Jeanie died here. Fell out of her bed one night.”

Reiki is a dubious energy healing technique that was offered as a part of the suite of care in our treatment center. Having experienced it myself, I can say that reiki seems to be at best a meditative aid and at worst some psychic hoodwinkery. What we learned is that our reiki master had also serviced the patients in palliative care at our house when it was still a hospice, which was not very long ago at all. She had treated and came to know Jeanie, whose spirit she immediately and authoritatively claimed was the source of the screaming. 

That we seemed to have inherited both reiki and a restless, screaming ghost was a lot to digest on a warm, dry Thursday afternoon in rehab.

What most people don’t know about Orange County, if in fact they know anything at all, is that it is the treatment capital of the world. There is a massive drug and alcohol rehabilitation industry here, with facilities dotting suburban neighborhoods and costal communities alike. Many, such as ours, are indistinguishable from other homes from the outside. Only when you go inside can you spot the differences: no locks on the doors, cameras everywhere, California-required hazard signs and fire extinguishers, motivational-adjacent but woefully empty wall platitudes. 

“Don’t dream your life...live your dreams!” taunted me in perfect cursive from its place on a kitchen wall. In that moment, if I lived my dreams, I’d be in the worst hell I could imagine. Most mornings I simply ignored it as I avocadoed my toast. It was ultimately harmless and forgettable, though I admit I got a mildly satisfying kick out of sneering at it. 

Having administered both reiki and information about our ghost, the master left. We living residents of the house all sat together outside on the back patio to discuss what she had told us. The others smoked or vaped as they speculated about what it could all mean. I crammed a few handfuls of candy in my face, and then I told them about my dreams. 

“Holy god in heaven,” one of my friends cried out. “Now that’s some sick shit.”

Eyes downcast, faces ashen, I could tell my information had affected the others and added a gravity to the situation that hadn’t been there before. We did not speak of it again. 

That night, I dreamed about someone I loved once who couldn’t love me. I saw her across a crowded dance in a school gym. She was made up beautifully, wearing a blue dress, her hair cut short, colored blonde and bouncy. She smiled and reached out to me. I tried to grab her hand, but she fell back into darkness, crying out for me, falling farther and father out of reach, her eyes filled with fear. 

That was the last dream I had at the house. We found out suddenly the next day that we would be moving to a different location, and that the facility we were leaving would be transitioned into a detox. 

Of all the nightmares, this felt the cruelest somehow. I woke up at 3:30am and just sobbed. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. And this was on top of all of the other challenging work of getting sober. 

But I never had another bad dream after we moved. And the screaming did not follow us.

* I would find out later that a common side effect of Seroquel, along with fugue-state ambulation and sleep-eating, is nightmares. This drug is often prescribed to patients who are in post-acute withdrawal from drugs and alcohol to treat insomnia. Seroquel is what I started taking when I moved into residential treatment. 

Graveyard shifts are notoriously hard on the human body. Inverting the natural  sleep rhythm can do an absolute number on the brain, and often leads to chronic insomnia. Anyone who has stayed up all night can attest to how significantly it messes with your internal systems. I have stayed up multiple consecutive nights before, and have hallucinated. I have heard screaming when there was none, I have seen shadows morph into human forms and vanish just as quickly. 

This is all to say that there seems to be a perfectly logical explanation for the dreams, for the screaming. The reiki master could have just been having some fun with the unruly and obnoxious adult children that were her clients. She could just be full of shit. Night shift guys could have just heard things, or maybe it was a coyote. An owl. Someone actually screaming (hey, maybe it was a detox patient at another facility!) One morning I awoke earlier than usual to find one of the graveyard techs standing in the dark, staring at a street lamp. He was transfixed by a silvery form hanging below it in the yellow light.

“Is that a goddamn bat?” he asked, horrified.

It was a spiderweb.

But...I continued to take the Seroquel after we moved houses, and the nightmares never returned. The other house, Jeanie’s house, became a chaotic mess for the staff. Patients in detox were found fucking in multiple rooms, people disappeared in the middle of the night and others showed up suddenly in the morning...the entire detox program of this treatment facility seemed to be plunged into unmitigated bedlam, and it wasn’t like that before. Sure, there is always going to be some drama at places like this, but techs said they’d never seen things so bad. Anywhere. Additional workers were hired. Others quit without notice. And I have to wonder.

So, this story also ends like everything else: with the supernatural, with the unknown. Life ends with a big fat question mark, and that’s ok. One thing I’ve grown to appreciate is not having all the answers, to accepting the unknown and allowing myself to dip a toe into superstition. Human beings are no strangers to faith, but faith is especially vital for a person like me: faith in myself that I can stay sober, faith in redemption, faith that there is something, somewhere, greater than me that can save my ass. Faith in good friends, faith in good dogs. Faith in a life worth living well. Faith that Jeanie will find whatever she needs to cease her wailing, and faith that one day I’ll be there in time to stop somebody’s falling.

[tyler-games-hard]

Buckle up for a life story! 

I’m not sure how much I’ve talked about this, but here’s how I figured out I was gay and what christian school taught me and how its okay to be gay! 

Trigger warnings: Suicide, self harm, derogatory terms

This school was hard core Christian. It was run out of a church, small town based, very much so had that bible thumping redneck agenda going on. Most of the kids going to this school also went to church there and their parents worked for the school, church, or both, and EVERYONE knew each other and who they were and where they stood on the totem pole. If your parents worked for the school or church and you went to church there, you were automatically higher on the pole, and sad for me, being an outsider, parents didn’t work for the school or go to church there, I was smack bottom. Between the totem pole and the typical private school cliques, it was social hell for poor me. I was a California avocado swimming in a pool of southern sweet tea sat atop a mountain of bibles, with no end in sight.

 So as a 10 year old 4th grader, moving from a Californian private school that was relatively laid back to a southern private school with strict uniforms and even taught Latin, it was a huge culture shock. At this same time I was also beginning puberty, and that’s about the time you start discovering which gender you prefer, if any at all and let me tell you that first year of being questioned which boy I liked when I really was starting to take a liking to the girls, was weird. I felt ashamed of it, but at the same time not. The stuff I was taught growing up that I should get married to a man and give him kids and be a home maker was telling me it was wrong, but something deep inside was telling me no, this is right, you don’t need to marry a man, you don’t like men (to be found out later I’m actually a bit more flexible lol), and it was deeply confusing. I saw my fellow classmates and saw them all expressing interest in the opposite sex, and I really was just hiding the fact that I took a preference to the girls by saying I really didn’t care. To be noted, though, I had been struggling with my gender identity since I was very young, before I even started kindergarten, so whether at the time I was straight or gay, it was changing most definitely.

 Around this same year, 4th grade, I was introduced to an instant messaging app called Palringo after I got an iPod touch for Christmas. A quick overview of this app, at the time I got in to it, all you needed was an email, and you could have an account, and you could join whatever group you wanted. The age restrictions at the time were technically 13+, but hey look at me, rebellious 10 year old. I ended up joining a group for teens and lied, saying I was 16, using a fake picture and everything. I posed as this very girly girl in my online persona, I was somewhat flirtatious, “dated” a mod from the group  (dating being we had each others usernames in our profiles with hearts) and learned way too much, way too soon. I was 10 years old and the people in this group thought I was 16 because I lied and were telling me about sex, anatomy of both sexes, and teaching me slang and phrases one would find in urban dictionary.

I became obsessed with this app. It took over my life. I didn’t really talk to people at school anymore, I didn’t talk to my one friend on my block, and basically my last couple years of elementary school disappeared on this app where I learned about sex, sexuality, gender, and drama. By the time I was 11, I had become pretty solid in the fact that I didn’t like boys, but pretended I did at school. Instead I was open about liking girls on Palringo, since people didn’t judge me there. I eventually found a group of people who I consider to be my high school friends. When I met them, I came clean about my lie with another lie, just not as far fetched. I told them I was 13 instead of 16, yet in reality I was still just 11 or 12. And I got along well with these people. I even met my current girlfriend during this time in these groups. But my real life in person social life was dead. I connected with no one, I became severely depressed, and by the time I was 13 or 14, I was self harming.

 My depression came on about the time I was 12 or 13. I was t this Christian school that I didn’t belong in, I couldn’t be myself there, and my social life was dead between that and palringo taking over my life. I was also dealing with gender identity issues and being scared to talk about it with anyone. I certainly couldn’t talk to my parents about it, I had attempted to tell them about liking girls and being gay and they told me I was going to hell and took all my electronics and went through my private possessions. I couldn’t talk to anyone at school about it because that place was the same way, Christian and frowned on it. It’s not like I can change who I’m attracted to. So again I turned to palringo, which was fine communication wise, it just lacked that physical aspect. I couldn’t hear them say the words, or I couldn’t feel them hug me, and I really thrive off human touch in all forms, romantic, platonic, etc.

I quickly spiraled into being suicidal at the age of 14, already been self harming for about 8 months, at that point. I still have horrible scars from it that I’ll probably have forever. I had been seriously dating my girlfriend (who I’m still with!!) for a year by the time I was 15. It was long distance and text based, sometimes we could talk on the phone but had to make sure our parents didn’t find out, so that was very limited. She has talked me out of suicide a few times now, but the most notable time was the very first time. After living in Alabama and going to this Christian school, my dad’s job moved back to California, so we picked up and moved again. I was about 15 I believe, or 14 about to be 15, and we moved in the last third of my 8th grade year. My parents, for financial reasons, decided to put me in public school for the last third of 8th grade. I had never attended public school at this point. I’d only ever attended private Christian schools. Oh man did this public school almost kill me. I experienced outright bullying like never before. I’d experienced it before but it was always subtle and underhanded. At this public school, it was very direct. I was called fag, fatty, fat lesbian, and more of those in other variations, along with bullying in the form of the popular girls wouldn’t let me change in the bathroom because they didn’t like the fact I wouldn’t change in front of them. They would harass me and physically push me around. And of course I didn’t fight back, I was taught my whole life to turn the other cheek.

That small span of 3 months, I almost put a bullet in my head. I couldn’t talk to my parents, they disapproved of the fact that I was gay, they didn’t like the people I hung out with because they were also gay, I wouldn’t have gotten sympathy or help from them. I knew where my dad kept the guns. We were in a small apartment that my dad’s company was providing us and my dad stored his guns in the closet in his room. I planned it for a week. Grocery day, I would come home from school while my mom and sister were still out, I’d grab the hand gun, load it with one bullet, and stash it under my bed, which I did. It sat under my bed for 3 days. Every night, I sat in bed thinking about pulling it out and finally ending it. For all I knew, high school would just be another 4 years of this bullying. One night, I was sitting in bed after a particularly bad day. They bullying had been extra bad and I was beyond reasoning. I finally pulled that gun out. I was talking to my girlfriend, Jali, and telling her my goodbyes. I told her goodbye and was talking to her, trying to calm my storm and get the balls to just end it. She had nothing but soothing words for me. Somehow she knew I was serious, despite me not actually telling her what I was doing or about to do. I remember putting the gun in my mouth, loaded and cocked, all I had to do was flex that index finger, and I would be gone. Jali had sent me a message saying “I will miss you. You have been nothing but a light in my life and I don’t know what I’ll do without you. Please don’t do this.” I remember it vividly. I can see the screen in my head to this day as if I’m reading it all over again. I put the gun away. Unloaded it and stashed it back under my bed. And I cried. I cried so hard my eyes hurt for days. I bottled so much up and hid so much from everyone in an attempt to be the person my parents want me to be and to be strong for all my friends and for Jali that I was being broken from the inside out. I forever thank her for keeping me alive that night and the other couple times I was close to ending it. She kept me around to finally meet her beautiful self and finally find peace and acceptance.

 This was a tough post to write, and it didn’t even really scratch to surface of the things I experienced in middle school and high school. Christian school showed me that even in extreme peer pressure to be like everyone else and in strict guidelines of who to be, you can still pull through and be your own light and be yourself. The internet and Palringo have shown me things my parents haven’t even talked to me about yet. I’m 20 years old and my parents still have not had a sex talk with me. I learned it from the internet and my internet friends. They taught me it’s okay to be me and who I am and that I am my own person, not something to please my parents.

  Don’t fall down the same hole I did. Talk about your feelings. Be happy, be yourself, and don’t let anyone tell you who to be, from your parents to your friends to your partner, you’re the only person to tell yourself who you are

[laurabedokis]

What to Feed a Siberian Husky

One of the most popular questions I get about our Husky, Sassy, is what we feed her. This is my Ultimate Guide to Feeding Your Siberian Husky!!

Nutrition Basics

Huskies need slightly more protein than the average dog. They do well with high protein, moderately high fat, low carb, and low grain foods.

There is a big debate about grain-free foods for Huskies and other dogs in general right now. I believe it is important to do what you feel is best for your dog and do research regarding the facts of grain-free foods. We feed Sassy grain-free food due to some digestion issues and I do not believe there is enough research or evidence for me personally to change her food yet. I know dogs have trouble digesting grains and Sassy was having a lot of problems before we switched to grain-free. I may change my mind later, but this is my current choice. 

Another reason we chose Sassy’s current food is that it has a high amount of fiber which not only helps her digestive and anal gland issues.

Puppy Needs

Puppies have their own set of dietary requirements and it’s important to feed your Husky a puppy food so they get all the important vitamins and nutrients they need. It is recommended to feed husky puppies three times throughout the day. 

As your pup gets older, he or she will likely start eating only about two times a day and that is just fine!

How to Switch Your Husky from Puppy to Adult Food

I fed Sassy as a puppy three times a day, ½ cup for each feeding. 

Once she became an adult, we switched her to twice per day, 1 cup meals. 

Always do a gradual food change with your dog as they can have serious digestive issues if you try to change their food so suddenly.

To change Sassy’s food I went ahead for the first week and implemented her new eating schedule of only feeding her twice per day. This means I went ahead and changed the amounts (Three – ½ cups VS. Two – 1 cup meals.)

Week 1: I did ¼ cup of the new food to ¾ of the old food.

Week 2: I did ½ cup of the new food with ½ cup of the old food.

Week 3: ¾ cup of the new food with ½ cup of the old food.

Week 4: You’re ready to feed the new food with minimal digestive issues.

When and How Much to Feed Your Husky

Sassy, as an adult Husky, eats anywhere from 2-3 cups of food per day. I will serve her one cup in the morning and one cup in the evening along with some wet food and her pumpkin supplement. If that isn’t enough, I’ll add a half-cup to her food bowl after she (literally) tells me she’s still hungry.

Huskies love routine and they will quickly learn when their dinner time is. They will likely let you know if you are behind on feeding them, as well, with their Husky talk!

Huskies were bred to go long distances and eat little. As a breed, they learned how to sustain a certain amount of energy when there just wasn’t a lot of food available to them. A Husky’s metabolism is extremely high and small food intake can keep them going for miles… literally!

It might seem like your Husky isn’t eating enough, but it really could just be that they are full already.

It can often take a bit of trial and error to find a food that your Husky loves. Be patient and know this is okay. Buy smaller bags of food until you find one that works. (You can always donate the unused food your Husky didn’t like to a doggy shelter, just be sure to do so in a timely fashion so it doesn’t go bad or stale.)

Important things to know:

All Huskies are different. The most important thing to remember is that your Husky will not be like mine or anyone else’s. They are all similar, of course, but just because one Husky really loves dry chicken-flavored kibble doesn’t mean the next one will. That’d be like saying all humans love asparagus when we all probably know a lot of people who don’t!

Siberian Huskies can be very picky eaters. They are also incredibly smart which can make for an interesting feeding experience.

Once they get used to certain foods that they love, they fully expect you to continue providing those. Keep this in mind when you begin a feeding routine and know that you may really have to commit yourself to it. 

Huskies will eat until they are full, so don’t be afraid if your pup doesn’t eat his or her whole bowl. Do pay attention to how much your dog is eating and adjust portions accordingly. 

The only time to really worry about your dog not eating is if he or she is not eating at all, or has had a recent, drastic change in eating habits. If this happens with your Husky, we always recommend talking to your vet about it. 

However, Huskies sometimes get bored with their food and will not eat because of that reason. You may try mixing up your Husky’s food with a supplement, cooked veggies, cooked meats, or broth and see if she’ll eat it then. I have used chicken broth, beef broth, tuna, and salmon all in Sassy’s food to mix it up for her.

If we try to give Sassy a different flavor of wet food, most of the time she will not eat it. And she lets us know that we messed up.

When I switched Sassy off her puppy food as she became an adult (around one year), I switched her from puppy kibble to adult dog kibble. She started to have anal gland issues a few months after I switched her food. There is not a lot out there about treating anal gland issues with food versus having them emptied constantly or having surgery on your dog. 

I wrote an article about anal gland issues for when your dog has a stinky booty.

What Can Huskies NOT Eat?

There are certain foods that dogs just cannot eat. If you are ever unsure about something the best idea is do some research or to ask your vet’s office.

Here is a list of what Huskies absolutely cannot eat:

Grapes

Raisins

Peaches

Plums

Prunes

Cherries

Citrus fruits

Yeast dough

Raw eggs

Soda

Tea

Coffee

Avocado

Raw or undercooked meats

Fat trimmings or bones

Onions

Garlic

Macadamia nuts

Salt

Sweets

Sugar

Chocolate

Dairy in large amounts. (Small amounts are okay – Sass loves to share a string cheese with me!)

Can Huskies eat vegetables?

Yes, most of them! In fact, Sassy absolutely LOVES carrots, asparagus and brussel sprouts. 

Should I use supplements?

If your vet recommends certain supplements you should definitely consider it. We use a pumpkin supplement for Sassy because it aids in digestion and anal gland problems she had. Once we switched her food and added the pumpkin supplement, we no longer had to worry about her tummy or pay to have her anal glands emptied constantly (which is not healthy).

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[gigsoupmusic]

BOOM! : FloodHounds 'Something Primeval'

"Come together, it's all or nothing now!" These are the lyrics bellowing over raw and chugging guitar riffs and pounding drum crashes on the new track 'Something Primeval', words seeming inconsequential at the time lead singer, Jack Flynn, wrote them down, but now seem more poignant than ever. Along with Jack, drummer Lauren Greaves and bassist Joel Hughes make up the rest of the trio known as FloodHounds, a band who have steadily gained a reputation for their raucous live shows as well as their undeniable ability to write blues infused indie rock bangers. The band's new single, 'Something Primeval', is the second of two tracks recorded with producer, Thomas Mitchener, an occasional member of Frank Carter & The Rattlesnakes, and producer of two Rattlesnakes albums - an influence you can feel throughout. The first track 'Out of Time' was premiered on BBC's Introducing as their Record of The Week. Check out FloodHounds latest track 'Something Primeval' below: We had the pleasure of having a very socially distanced chat with lead singer, Jack Flynn, check it out below: What's the origin story for the band? Some mates of mine were doing Litter Picking at Glastonbury (great little life hack for guaranteed Glasto tickets) and became friends with Lauren’s mates from Leeds. We were all on a big night out in Leeds together and I was saying how our drummer had escaped to Australia and I couldn’t record, when someone said; “Lauren’s a drummer!” She subbed in so I could record a few songs, and never left. After that, we’d been planning to audition a load of bass players, when another Sheffield musician Jamie Heawood introduced us to Joel. He came along and it turned out he’d learnt a whole set of our songs in just a few days and fitted in so well that was it. Job done! Which artists would you reference as an influence on the band's sound? I was brought up on Hendrix & The White Stripes, all the classic “guitar” stuff. For ages I only seemed to like bands that had all split up or died before I had even discovered them, which was annoying. But that’s all changed, now we pretty much only listen to brand new music, because there are so many incredible bands around right now. Frank Carter & The Rattlesnakes, Kid Kapichi, The Blinders, Saint Agnes, BlackWaters, Strange Bones, Calva Louise, Demob Happy, the list is endless. Joel hops between old school punk like NOFX to Childish Gambino. Lauren loves a bit of everything from the electro swing of Dutty Moonshine to filthy blues rock like Gary Clark Jr. What was the inspiration behind the new single? I had come up with this swampy, chugging little guitar riff, which I felt had a kind of sinister tone that could soundtrack some sort of hunter moving through the jungle. I don’t know maybe I had some Attenborough on in the background or something but it just sort of set me off with a bunch of animal metaphors basically questioning how deep our primeval instincts run, and whether to trust them or not. Sort of concluding that our advantage compared to the animals is our ability to come together if you want to solve problems and survive. Not literally though! I wrote the “come together, it’s all or nothing now” lyrics way before social distancing was the new normal. What have the band been up to in quarantine? We’ve been rearranging our songs for a few live streams, like the one we did one for Jägermeister which is up on their YouTube channel now. It’s been a great opportunity for songwriting and we’ve got some feisty new tracks that I’m dying to get started on. We’ve also recorded an entire acoustic album at home. I went a bit overboard, adding strings and other instruments we’ll never be able to orchestrate in real life. But it sounds mega. Acoustic is fun but we’re a noisy rock band so now we’re recording some electric sessions individually in isolation to compile together for a ‘live’ video at some point. Other than that, Lauren is growing an avocado tree in a pint glass on her window sill, and Joel is conducting some very serious experiments combining different flavours of hot sauce for the ultimate taste sensation. What's one album or artist that you've had on repeat during the lockdown? I’ve been listening to a lot of Black Futures. They’re such a cool hybrid between electronic music and punk rock. It reminds me of The Prodigy. They build the tension like a masterful DJ, but when it gets to the drop it’s not a bleep bloopy synth line, it’s an absolutely filthy guitar riff and a monstrous drum kit with a screeching vocal thrown in for good measure, it’s great. I might even have to download a virtual drum machine and figure out how the hell to make our own remixes. I mean now is the perfect time for that sort of experiment right? Is there anything fans can do to help support young bands such as yourselves during this time? Without gigs, it’s pretty hard to raise funds to record new music, so buying a bands merch is probably a straightforward way to do it, and get something back yourself! Even if you already have the T-Shirt, buy it as a gift for someone else, the band will appreciate it big time. Other than that, if a band is releasing anything new, give it a share either publicly or just privately pass the link on to somebody you think might like it. Have you learnt anything about yourself while being stuck inside? Seems a perfect time for self-reflection. That’s a hard one. I’ve kind of just buried my head into writing, recording and keeping busy rather than stopping and reflecting too much. Maybe those reflections will come out in song form without even realising. I guess I’ve learned to enjoy the little things more, and that you can survive on a lot less than you thought you could as long as you prioritise what is really important. If you could choose any 3 musicians/artists (dead or alive) to quarantine with, who would they be and why? Well all drummers are banned. You can’t have them scratching their rhythm itch by bashing away on the walls like something out of STOMP every day. Same goes for the Iggy Pops of the world, after a week they would do your head in and I bet he’d leave the flat in a mess. So I’d probably go for some relaxed jazz or reggae musicians, maybe a couple trip hop producers who aren’t too high intensity, so let’s say Charlie Parker, Fat Freddy’s Drop, and Zero 7. Plans to tour or go back to normality have been put on hold indefinitely but does the band have anything planned going forward? After we’ve released ‘Something Primeval’ we’ve got a music video filmed in Sheffield’s gothic looking medieval bear pit in on a freezing Sunday in February to put out, then we’ll be doing a few live sessions where we can. But yep once we’re allowed out I think it’ll be back to the studio to get the next batch of tunes ready. We’ve got so many songs up our sleeve now so it’ll be tough deciding which one makes the cut for recording but that’s part of the fun.

FloodHounds Official Site - https://www.floodhounds.com/ FloodHounds Official Merch Site - https://floodhounds.bigcartel.com/products FloodHounds YouTube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/user/FloodHounds FloodHounds Facebook Page - https://www.facebook.com/FloodHounds FloodHounds Twitter Page - @FloodHounds Read the full article

[alleyseat81]

The Vegan Keto Diet: The best way to Do It & What exactly To Eat

So, you're firm about staying away from animal goods, but you aren't still keto-curious? While a vegan eating habits and a keto diet plan may initially appear opuesto (after all, 1 invokes images of tofu plus the other bacon), progressively more experts say they're not necessarily mutually exclusive and that will a vegan keto eating habits has the potential to turn out to be quite healthy—if do it right. Here, we clarify exactly how to do a vegetarian keto diet (which moves some sort of step beyond the largely plant-based keto a couple of. zero diet), the prospective benefits together with risks, and even who also may wish to try this. In This Article you Are usually vegan keto diet? 3 Health benefits 3 Side effects four Exactly what to eat on the vegan keto diet a few Food to avoid found on a vegan keto diet regime 6 5-Day Vegan Keto Meal Plan What is usually the vegan keto diet plan? The "regular" keto diet is a high-fat, low-carb, moderate-protein diet that usually relies on animal items (assume eggs, grass-fed dairy products, simple full-fat yogurt) considering these food types offer an simple way to hit your daily fat quota and has few carbs. "A vegetarian keto diet follows the same ideas [as keto] but with no any animal-derived goods, similar to meat and to, inches says cardiologist in addition to plant-based diet proponent Joel Kahn, M. D. The optimal macronutrient breakdown (i. elizabeth., proportion of your daily calorie consumption coming from fat, health proteins, and carbs) for a keto diet typically seems something like this: Extra fat: 65 to 85% Protein: 15 to 35% Carbs: 0 to 10% (This typically works out in order to no greater than 50 g entire carbs or 20 to help 40 g net carbohydrates regular. Net carbs = entire carbs - soluble fiber. ) Minimizing carbs and exploiting fats shifts often the body from burning up primarily sugar/carbohydrates as energy to burning fat in often the form of ketones, which usually are molecules produced by simply the liver from essential fatty acids. When this takes place, someone enters healthy ketosis, a good metabolic state that has contributed to keto's benefits connected with increased satiety, weight-loss, better brain health, and more. Many experts have stated problem that—depending on how it's formulated—a traditional keto diet regime may be too high in animal-based saturated extra fat and low in heart- and gut-friendly fiber. Vegan diets, on the various other give, contain no creature companies often pack plenty of fibers due to a higher daily allowance associated with fiber-rich plant foods. Often , though, they're low inside fats and high inside carbs, especially when they slim heavily on grains, starchy vegetables, espresso beans, lentils, together with packaged goods. But in the event that you strategically forgo these kinds of carb-rich foodstuff in prefer of wholesome fats (assume avocado, crazy, seeds, together with certain oils), you can certainly stay vegetarian and even gain nutritional ketosis Potential well being benefits of the vegan keto diet. While truth be told there have been recently health gains associated with vegan diets, keto diets, and a variety of characteristics of each diet program (such eating lots associated with veggies as well as consuming fewer carbs), reports on the particular vegan keto diet regime are severely lacking, quite possibly industry experts still find it appealing. "No studies demonstrate long term effects of a vegan keto or low-carb plant-based eating habits, but people may find that will their big overall health risk markers strengthen, " tells Carrie Diulus, M. G., an orthopedic backbone cosmetic surgeon who personally practices a good vegan keto diet to help you manage her type a single diabetes and maintain a 100-pound fat loss. Taking place the keto diet: five recipes to try proposes vegan keto (and various other dietary approaches) to the woman individuals to prep with regard to plus recover from medical procedures as well. "I often have patients with excess weight problems and diabetes, as well as a ketogenic diet is generally beneficial, " she tells. It also "has often the potential to help improve their levels of cholesterol. " Although more research is needed to be able to really build some of these rewards, here are some achievable techniques a vegan keto eating habits may boost the health.

Diabetes and bloodstream sugar balance "For people young and old with metabolic syndrome as well as diabetes, there is increasing information that a ketogenic diet can help improve our blood sugar control, very well says Diulus. In truth, experiments have shown that, amid type 2 diabetic individuals, following a low-carb keto diet program led to improved glycemic manage and a good reduction (or discontinuation) associated with diabetes medication. Because vegan keto diets usually are every bit as low in carbohydrate food and also tend to be large in fiber (which is also key for blood sugar levels balance), it may have got the similar impact. When you have diabetes, usually check with your qualified medical practitioner in advance of starting a vegan keto diet so anyone can appropriately modify the medications—otherwise, serious unwanted side effects could occur. Reduced hunger in addition to weight loss Keto diet plans are known to have an appetite-suppressing effect, which will many experts chalk back up to the satiating dynamics of fats, improved blood sugar balance, and ketone generation. And when you're not hungry, it could lead in order to significant weight loss. Actually in a six-month analyze comparing the low-carb, vegetarian "Eco-Atkins" diet (which was initially definitely not technically keto because it was quite very low in carbs) to a higher-carb lacto-ovo veggie diet program, the Eco-Atkins slimmers skilled more weight loss. Moreover, there are a number of anecdotal reviews on the vegan keto diet program appreciably suppressing appetite. Previous calendar year, plant-based cardiologist Danielle Belardo, M. D., who else was at first very anti-keto, embarked with a two-week vegetarian keto experiment, which your woman detailed on this Twitter line. Her take on? Definitely not merely did the girl end upwards getting into ketosis when eating loads of greens and plenty of fiber, nevertheless "the hunger suppression seemed to be CONSEQUENTLY strong! " your woman stated. "Between the ketones, MUFA/PUFA, and fiber, I dropped 2 lb. regardless of seeking SO HARD in order to not get rid of almost any excess weight. " Center health In addition to more pounds loss, individuals on the particular Eco-Atkins diet from the previously mentioned study also skilled better bad cholesterol measurements as compared to their particular higher-carb, vegetarian diet regime alternatives. This is important, because several patients and medical experts bother about increases within cholesterol if consuming excessive amounts of animal-based weight. "In people wanting to decrease their LDL, the use of plant keto diet can be very large in fiber, low around saturated fat, and comes with polyunsaturated excess fat in entire meals forms love those found in nuts and even seeds, " says Diulus. "All of these things have already been shown to support lower blood lipids. inch Other authorities, like Ethan Weiss, D. D., agree that vegetarian keto weight loss plans and generally plant-based keto 2. 0 diets may well be appreciably better regarding cardiovascular wellness: "As a good cardiologist, I actually do have worries about the remarkable increases in LDL cholesterol a few people see when having conventional ketogenic diets, very well he explains. "Replacing food high in animal-based soaked fats together with foods approaching from mostly plant- in addition to fish-based sources minimizes against this and leads to developments in cardio chance guns we care with regards to. " Problems lowering Whilst no true studies page vegan keto diets to reduced problems, it's 1 of the big causes Diulus sometimes recommends them in her practice. It occurs because selected ketones generated by the liver during ketogenic diets are strong anti-inflammatories. Beta hydroxybutyrate, for example, prevents COX2, inhibits this NLRP-3 inflammasome, and stimulates AMPK, which are most very helpful to get reducing soreness, she says. At times typically the pain reduction is actually enough to avoid surgical procedures. "I had a individual who has been scheduled with regard to a good intricate surgery to be able to fuse this spine through the front and the spine because of severe nerve pain, " Diulus tells. "The patient started the particular ketogenic, plant-rich, high-omega-3 diet regime that I put your ex on, and she enhanced so much from 6 weeks of the diet, we ended up eliminating her medical procedures. " Having the use of keto diet programs, she's also found patients use much less pain medication following surgical procedure and even have lower charges involving surgical complications. Unwanted side effects involving the vegetarian keto diet. While Diulus personally benefits from a vegan keto diet program, as do some connected with her individuals, she stresses that there's some sort of variety when it comes to diets, plus it may not really be in your case. "Some people today do very well on some sort of low-fat, plant-based diet, plus some people do excellent on some sort of carnivore diet regime. It's about figuring away what works best with your own personal body and exactly how you experience the best, " states. Registered dietitian Abby Cannon, R. D., in addition caution people not to hop on typically the vegan keto train without thinking long plus hard about why they want to do it and with a weight of the risks—because there happen to be a few significant concerns. "It's very difficult to adhere to although also ensuring that occur to be getting enough nutritional value but not developing disordered taking in habits, inches says Cannon. "If a person ingest mi nombre es products, it's hard in order to ensure that you get plenty of protein, given that you have to cut down whole grains and beans—staple healthy proteins sources in a new vegan diet! " Just like all vegetarian diets, vegetarian keto is likewise deficient inside vitamin B12 plus likely low in iron and various nutrients, so Cannon advises a comprehensive multivitamin pill in the event that you do try it. Vegan keto could end up being pretty hard to maintain unless you're particularly motivated. "It's unlikely that any person could stick to that long term, and virtually any rapid weight loss encountered is probably going to come right back again on after you return for you to your normal diet plan, " says Cannon, writing that will many of the most healthy, longest-living people in typically the world consume legumes, entire grains, fruits, and starchy vegetables—all of which will be a no-go on the vegan keto diet program. If there's the healthcare factor for needing a ketogenic diet, the vegan keto diet may be a possibility, says Cannon, but it can incredibly important that if seeking any restrictive eating habits that you simply do so with the support of execs to guarantee that you're meeting your nutritional needs and executing it for the right good reasons. That said, for anyone who is expectant, breastfeeding, or have a new history of disordered eating, be sure you00 pass on that diet, she says. Additionally , your vegetarian keto diet regime may furthermore result within negative effects that are relatively normal in all keto diets, especially kinds that normally are not balanced, including a temporary yet drastic upswing in yearnings, moodiness, and fatigue (often called "keto flu"); way too much weight reduction; locks loss (especially if most likely not getting enough protein); together with instability in electrolytes, which usually pick up flushed out as soon as you lose water excess weight. To counteract electrolyte imbalances, Diulus recommends increasing your own personal sodium absorption a lttle bit in addition to supplementing with magnesium (mg). And, if you're doing anything "right" and still may great, vegan keto may possibly simply not be for you—and gowns OK. In reality, Belardo changed back in order to her higher-carb vegan diet program after her two-week vegetarian keto experiment due to the fact the woman was losing also a great deal weight and missed several of her favorite foods, including fruits. (Here are some signs a new keto diet plan just isn't working to get you. ) Things to take in on a vegan keto diet. To help make sure you aren't getting a variety of nutrients with a vegetarian keto diet, "It can be essential to eat some sort of number of nonstarchy greens, peanuts, vegetables, and low-carb health proteins methods, " says Diulus. The excellent news: While vegan keto will be low in carbs, this does not have to be low in fiber. Which is because, as long because you're going zero better than 20 to 40 grams of net carbs (which is total carb supply minus fiber), you'll in spite of everything get into ketosis. Just be sure to wrap on high-fiber, low-net carbohydrate foods such as abundant vegetables and nonstarchy greens like broccoli, spinach, plus cauliflower. If you discover a vegan keto diet program too restrictive and even you aren't willing to include some animal products, you are able to also experiment with a vegetarian keto diet plan. With direction from Diulus, here are generally some vegan keto-friendly foodstuff you can choose through, with macronutrient equipment failures dependent on the typical meal. Pro tip: To verify typically the nutritional information involving any food, check out and about the USDA's FoodData Core repository. Nonstarchy greens: Banane (Carbs: 0. dokuz gary the gadget guy, Fat: 0. 1 g) Oranges (Carbs: 1 h, Fat: 0 g) Cucumber (Carbs: 1 g, Excess fat: 0 g) Green spinach (Carbs: 1 g, Body fat: 0. 1 g) Asparagus (Carbs: 1. 1 h, Fat: 0 g) Cauliflower (Carbs: 1. 5 g, Excess fat: 0 g) Weight loss plans (Carbs: 1. 6 gary the gadget guy, Extra fat: 0 g) Brokkoli (Carbs: 1. 9 g, Excess fat: 0. 1 g) Natural beans (Carbs: a couple of gary the gadget guy, Fat: 0 g) Brussels sprouts (Carbs: installment payments on your a few gary, Fat: zero. 1 g) Spaghetti corn (Carbs: 10 g, Excess fat: 0. 5 g) Low-sugar some fruits: Strawberries (Carbs: six. 7 h, Fat: 0. 3 g) Blackberries (Carbs: ten. 2 g, Excess fat: 0. 5 g) Raspberries (Carbs: 11. 9 gary, Unwanted fat: 0. 7 g) Blueberries (Carbs: 14. 5 various gary, Fat: 0. three or more g) Coconut flakes (Carbs: a few gary the gadget guy, Fat: twelve g) Plant-based fat options: Avocado (Carbs: 4 gary, Fats: 8 g) Olives (Carbs: 6 g, Body fat: eleven g) Avocado essential oil (Carbs: 0 g, Fats: 14 g) Olive oil (Carbs: 0 g, Fat: 18 g) Coconut oil (Carbs: 0 g, Fat: 18 g) Full-fat coconut dairy products or maybe cream (Carbs: one g, Fat: 12 g) Nuts and seeds: Pili nuts (Carbs: 1 gary, Fat: 22 g) Walnuts (Carbs: 2. 8 g, Fat: 16. 5 g) Brazil nuts (Carbs: 3 or more. 3 g, Fat: 19 g) Pine nuts (Carbs: 3. 7 g, Extra fat: 19. 1 g) Macadamia nuts (Carbs: 3. 6 g, Fat: 21. 5 various g) Pumpkin seeds (Carbs: 3. 8 g, Extra fat: 11. 8 g) Pecans (Carbs: 3. 8 grams, Fat: 20. 8 g) Peanuts (Carbs: 6 grams, Fat: 13. 9 g) Walnuts (Carbs: 6. one gary, Fat: 14 g) Sesame seeds (Carbs: a few. 6 g, Fat: 13-14. 9 g) Sunflower vegetables (Carbs: 6. 7 gary, Fat: 13. 9 g) Flaxseeds (Carbs: 8 gary, Fat: 6 g) Chia seeds (Carbs: 12. 3 or more g, Fat: 8. six g) Plant-based proteins: Tofu (Carbs: 2 g, Proteins: 10 g, Fat: a few g) Tempeh (Carbs: 10 grams, Protein: 16 gary, Fat: 4. 5 g) Edamame (Carbs: 15 gary the gadget guy, Necessary protein: 17 g, Body fat: 8 g) Black soybeans (Carbs: 8 g, Healthy proteins: 11 g, Fat: 6 g) Lupini beans (Carbs: 13 g, Protein: 13 g, Fat: 1 g) Pea protein powder (Carbs: 2 g, Protein: twenty one h, Fat: 1. a few g) Seitan (wheat-based, includes gluten) (Carbs: 10 h, Protein: 16 g, Fat: 2 g) Treats Low carbohydrate, vegan chocolate (like Lily's) Home made vegan keto snacks Foods to avoid in the vegan keto diet regime: If you're adhering to some sort of vegan keto eating habits, an individual obviously want to keep away from all animal-derived products, as well as the following: Meat Bulgaria Fish Eggs Dairy Collagen powdered Whey protein Honey You also want to steer clear of, or considerably lower, this consumption of foods comprising moderate to high levels of carbohydrates on a vegan keto diet—even the versions typically regarded as healthy upon most vegan diet programs. These include: Grains and grain-based foods: rice, quinoa, food, pasta, bread, crackers Dried beans: beans, lentils, chickpeas Starchy vegetables: sweet potatoes, oranges, beets, peas Fruit: pretty much all fruits, except cherries Sugars: table sugar, walnut thick syrup, honey, coconut sugar, tequila High-carb alcohol: beverage, wine, sugary cocktails, really hard cider Ultraprocessed, packaged foods, even if they lay claim to end up being keto (whatever the health state, made and processed is not a superior idea) Vegan Keto Eating habits Menu: 5-Day Food Program While you can certainly mix and match the vegan keto foods previously mentioned as you see fit, this an example of a good meal prepare. (And if you're curious about exactly what Diulus eats in a new day, below is her particular vegan keto dinner system. ) Moment 1 Breakfast: Keto renewable smoothie made with baby kale, iced raspberries, avocado, enthusiast dairy products, pea protein, along with a flavour booster like fresh mint or matcha Lunch time: Put together greens salad capped together with avocado, hemp seeds, lupini beans, numerous nonstarchy vegetables, and olive oil together with vinegar Snack: Celery slices with nut butter Evening meal: Zucchini noodles tossed along with vegan pesto (basil, walnuts, EVOO, and garlic) in addition to sliced cherry tomatoes Time 2 Breakfast: Tofu scramble with tomato vegetables and spinach Lunch: Creamy broccoli soups made with full-fat coconut whole milk, organic stock, in addition to herbal treatments Snack: Keto chocolates mousse made with avocado, cocoa powdered, and the bit of stevia (or a tiny bit involving genuine sweetener, like walnut syrup) An evening meal: Spaghetti squash along with caramelized onions, roasted Brussels sprouts, lupini beans, and even a hefty drizzle connected with olive oil Day time 3 Breakfast every day: Chia pudding made with a new high-fat nut milk (such Elmhurst) or canned coconut dairy products, berries, and unsweetened coconut flakes Lunch: Lettuce-free greens made with chopped cucumber, tomatoes, olives, edamame, and olive oil and the acv Treat: Almonds and unsweetened coconut flakes Dinner: Spargelkohl and tempeh stir-fry Day some Breakfast: Raspberries, the handful of walnuts, together with matcha tea leaf mixed up with coconut oil Lunchtime: *Cauliflower rice made with scallions, ginger, onions, peas, cut carrots, sesame seeds, and even tofu Snack: Red bells pepper slices with guacamole or mashed avocado Meal: Cauliflower crust pizza lead with tomato sauce or maybe vegan pesto, mushrooms, potatoes, and onions *Since it is not necessary a lot of peas and peas in cauliflower rice, it might still get considered vegan keto while long as you're seeing your intake of total carb supply elsewhere. Time 5 Breakfast: Plain use of plant yogurt lead with low-sugar grain-free granola and blueberries Lunch: Very finely sliced violet cabbage (or bagged "coleslaw mix") threw with sesame oil plus unseasoned hemp vinegar, lead with edamame and sunflower seeds Munch: Cucumber pieces, celery, as well as bell peppers dunked inside nut-based vegan cream mozzarella cheese (like Kite Hill) Meal: Shirataki noodles with vegetables, almond chausser and coconut aminos marinade, and tofu Bottom range on the vegan keto diet. Whilst much even more study (particularly long-term studies) will be establish the accurate benefits of a new well-formulated vegan keto diet, some experts believe it can be done very well and that there are most likely legitimate perks when that comes to bodyweight decline, blood sugar control, heart health, and even pain lowering. However, typically the restrictive dynamics of the diet plan may be triggering for individuals with a story of disordered consuming and may as well lead to nutritious deficiencies unless properly developed together with the right foods in addition to supplements. Overall, a good deal is still in this air, but if an individual pick to try a vegan keto diet, strongly consider using the help of the registered dietitian.

[builder051]

Mike & Co Introductory Story (OC sickfic)

Alright, here’s the intro story for Mike, Jason, and Colby (well, it’s a story about Mike, with cameos from Jason and Colby).  It’s the only story I have planned for them so far, so once you read this, feel free to send requests for any/all of these guys.

Trigger warnings: a little bit of eating disorder thought process, but no descriptions of ED behaviors.  Also a little disrespect for the field of ED therapy.  I don’t hate all therapy.  I’ve just had a bad experience with that kind of therapy.

Mike sits heavily down on the picnic bench and unzips her blue insulated lunchbox.  She has no idea what to expect; Colby had shuffled around the kitchen and then thrown the thing at her after she’d threatened to leave without it.  The others around the table—Mike isn’t sure how to think of them.  Clients?  Patients?  Other among the sick, weak, and damned?—sheepishly unload their packed dinners and surreptitiously glance around at what everyone else is either trying or pretending to eat tonight.

Mike joins in and dumps out a host of ominously heavy items.  There’s a Tupperware of something salad-looking, a glass bottle of kombucha, a baggie of brownish clusters resembling granola cereal, a peach, and a banana bread muffin wrapped in a paper towel.  She organizes the individual parts of her meal across her placemat and realizes with a pang of guilt that it’s probably what Colby intended to eat for tomorrow’s lunch.  Now wasted on her.  Mike’s even less inclined to tuck in.

She gets up from the table both to buy a little time and search down some flatware since Colby neglected to give her any.  The journey across the covered patio and into the home-style kitchen is quick, but conspicuous.  Mike’s barely back in her seat when one of the nutritionists, Krista, brightly asks, “What’cha got there, Michaela?  Looks different from your usual.”

Mike shrugs.  She pulls the top off the Tupperware and reveals a mess of greens topped with what looks like a whole avocado and two or three fistfuls of sunflower seeds. Although she knows the monounsaturated fats in the dish are actually quite beneficial to her overall health, the sheer number of calories within the clear plastic dish seems staggering.  But then again, it was meant for a 6’2” teenaged man.  Not for her.

Krista won’t stop looking at her, so Mike digs her plastic fork into the center of the salad and jams a wad of veg into her mouth.  She takes her time chewing, tasting the bitter greens and creamy avocado and nutty sweetness of the seeds.  She thinks for a second that she understands why Colby prefers these kinds of meals.  It tastes a hell of a lot better than the false chemical sweetness of, say, pop tarts.  But that fucking fat content…

When the allotted dinner hour is up, Mike waits in line.  The mandatory after-dinner private conference with Krista or Deb or one of the other heartless fools who run the outpatient therapy program has to be the worst part of the 4-hour-a-day, 3-day-a-week torture.  A degree in nutrition or psychology isn’t enough to give anyone the right to glance across a table and decide whether an independent, free thinking person should be forced to consume even more calories of dairy-based high-sugar “nutritional” drink.

Mike plays with the zipper on her lunchbox, hoping she won’t have to open it and talk through its remaining contents.  She’d made a decent attempt on everything, but finished nothing.  But she feels full.  She almost feels overfull.  Mike wishes she could go to the bathroom.  She’s learned by now that when the digestive system’s been underused or forced to work in reverse for an extended period of time, it goes into the mode of something like a tiny, sick kitten.  Indigestion just follows eating, and sometimes going to sit on the toilet or just stand around in the bathroom— and decidedly not purge—are necessary measures to deal with impending stomach pains.  But that’s not allowed in the fucking therapy program.  Apparently letting grown adults use the toilet on their own whims is too much of a risk.  So it leaves Mike feeling like, well, like shit.  

“Michaela, you’re up.”  Deb lets the previous girl out of her office and beckons to Mike.

Mike tries not to roll her eyes as she steps into the overly cheerful office with its yellow walls and daisy-centric décor.  Deb is decidedly Mike’s least favorite staff member, and unfortunately, she’s the highest ranking.  She’s a businesswoman, owns the therapy program, and despite not having the proper credentials, gets to tell everyone else what to do and where to go.

“Alright, what did we have tonight?”  Deb’s supremely annoying in way she addresses Mike in the plural.  Like she’s a pair of twin toddlers or something.  “I think I saw some salad across the dinner table.  You know that’s not part of your nutrition plan.”

Ah, yes, the nutrition plan, Mike thinks.  The fucking spreadsheet that seems to place human beings as creatures that consume only macronutrients.  “It wasn’t really a salad.  It was a lot of nuts and avocado,” Mike defends.

“That’s still deficient in protein and carbs,” Deb says back with an overbearing, almost sarcastic patience.

“Plus fruit.  And cereal.  And banana bread,” Mike lists monotonously.

“Nutritionally, that’s not enough.”  Deb scratches her flower-topped pen across a notepad, probably writing something scathing for Mike’s file.

“It was my brother’s boyfriend’s packed lunch,” Mike says, letting her forehead wrinkle into her expression of distaste.  “Some people have a muffin or a cup of cereal for their whole meal.”

“You need to stick to your nutrition plan to normalize your eating habits.”

“Normal people eat what I ate.”  Mike crosses her arms.  Colby probably won’t appreciate being glumped together with everyone else on the planet, but to Mike, his calmness and ability to go with the flow places him distinctly opposed to her on the scale of anxiety.  He’s as decidedly normal as Mike’s not.

“Michaela, I know you don’t like to hear this,” Deb says with a sigh.  She opens the mini fridge behind her desk and pulls out a bottle of nutrition shake.  “A muffin or a cup of cereal isn’t enough to keep a person going.  We need to focus on eating the right things in the right quantity to actually meet your needs.”

“So you’re saying everyone is nutritionally deficient?” Mike snaps.

Deb uncaps the shake and pours out 8 ounces into a marked glass.  She pushes it across the desk toward Mike.  “Here.”

“Can you answer my question?”

“Please drink it,” Deb says, false patience thick in her voice.

“Fucking answer it.”

“Michaela.”

Mike’s stomach cramps a little under her folded arms.  “No, I…it makes my stomach hurt.  My stomach already hurts.”

“Your parents enrolled you in this program because they want to help you get better,” Deb says.  “You owe it to them, and you owe it to yourself.  Let’s lose the excuses.”

Mike tentatively wraps her hand around the glass, trying to crush it with her minimal grip strength.  She almost laughs and shakes her head.  “No, my parents enrolled me because they couldn’t be bothered to drive 2 hours out of the way to come visit, and they didn’t want to impose on my hardworking brother and ask him to babysit me.”

“That’s not true.  Your parents are very caring people.”

“You’ve never met my parents.  Just talked to them on the phone,” Mike snorts.

“Do you want to drink that and get back to the group session?” Deb asks, the false cheerfulness starting to wane.

“You wanna answer my question?” Mike reminds her.

“Michaela,” Deb says firmly.  It’s that tone of voice, the kind that clearly betrays a desire for the other person to submit and obey because it’s somehow the right thing to do.  It’s the way Mike’s mother speaks to her.  The way teachers talk to students, the way people order around their dogs and horses when they’re forcing them to do something.

Mike lifts the glass.  She’s already nauseated before it’s to her lips.  She manages to chug down a sip of the blatantly artificial tasting vanilla beverage before everything comes screeching to a halt.  Mike presses her sleeve to her mouth to keep from belching the milky fluid back up.  She’s 20 years old.  She doesn’t have to be here.  Her parents will only lose money if she leaves.  “I can’t,” she chokes out.

“You need to finish that.”  Deb says it firmly, but then her saccharine smile is back.  “You don’t have to take it all at once.  I can get you some water.  We can stay in here for a while.”

“No.”  Mike gets on her feet.  “No.  I can’t do this anymore.  Any of this.”  She swallows the sour-tinged vanilla taste at the back of her throat.  Her fist closes around the strap of her lunchbox.  Mike towers over Deb, who’s still seated behind the desk.  “You’re a liar and a fraud.  You are the opposite of helpful.  Fuck you.”  She’s shaking with combined lightheadedness and anger.

“Michaela—”

Mike doesn’t hear her finish.  She’s already out of the office and down the hall.

Her car’s parked on the street half a block down from the therapy program’s house-like building.  Mike jumps in it and starts low-key speeding down the street before she realizes she’s about to fall apart.  She just had a confrontation with someone.  She cussed someone out.  She was a total dick to Deb and that feels…amazing?

Mike’s hands are shaking and sweat-slick on the steering wheel.  Her heart feels like it’s about to beat out of her chest.  There’s a throbby ache behind her forehead that’s starting to push her vision into sparkles around the sides.  She needs to calm down.  She needs to breathe.

It’s a 15-minute drive back to the apartment.  Mike’s stomach twists, sending a tendril of hot nausea up her back to erupt in prickles around her neck and jawline.  She has to make it home.

But her breath’s not coming evenly.  Each choppy inhale is shorter than the last, and after a few moments she’s almost gasping.  Mike rolls down the window to invite the fall breeze into her Rav-4.  When she looks up to the view through the windshield, her eyeballs feel foggy.  There’s a siren behind her, and it sends disorienting flashes of red and blue into the car.  Mike tries to pull over, but before she’s sure what’s happened, she’s sideswiped a half-dozen orange barrels and jammed her tire into the curb.

Mike lowers her forehead to the steering wheel, trying to comprehend what she’s gotten herself into while also swallowing the urge to be sick.

“Hello ma’am.  Have you had anything to drink this evening?”  The officer’s standing beside the already-open driver-side window.

“No, I…” Mike says.  There’s entirely too much spit in her mouth.  The still-flashing police lights are giving a strobe effect that isn’t helping with her ability to ground herself in time and space.  She swallows thickly.  “I just—”  The words are lost in a gag that Mike tries to obscure with a hand clapped over her mouth.

“Ma’am?”  The officer yanks the car door open and frees Mike from her seatbelt so she can lean out.  Mike retches, and a spray of whitish fluid hits the asphalt.

“Oh fuck,” Mike chokes.  “I’m sorry.”  She heaves again and brings up more.

“Ok, breathe.  Try to calm down,” the officer instructs.  “You ok?  Just not feeling so hot?”

Mike takes a hitchy breath.  “God.  Yeah, I—” another heave forces its way up her throat, and a weak stream of bile leaves her coughing.

“Alright,” the cop says.

“’M not drunk,” Mike mumbles when she finally has enough breath.

“Yeah, I know.  You don’t smell like alcohol.”  The officer scratches his head.  “You seem pretty sick.  Do you think you need to go to the hospital?”

“No,” Mike whispers.  “I’m ok.”

“You sure you don’t need medical attention?”

“Yeah.”  Mike coughs and wipes her mouth on her sleeve.  “I just…need to go home.”

“I don’t think you should drive right now,” the officer says.

“Huh?”

“I don’t think you hurt your car or anything, but you’re not in good shape to operate your vehicle.”

Oh.  Yeah.  The construction barrels.  It already feels like ages ago.

“Do you have someone to call?” The officer asks.  “I could give you a ride home, but we’d have to tow your car.”

“I don’t know…”  Just the thought of asking for help is turning her stomach again.

“Or I could call paramedics.”

“God, no,” Mike murmurs.    “I, uh, I can call my brother…”  It’s about the last thing Mike wants to do.  She digs her phone out of her back pocket and stares at the lock screen for a moment before clicking back into action.  She fumbles her trembling fingers and selects the contact for Jason.  She lets out an anticipatory sigh as she holds the phone to her ear and listens to it start to ring.

“Yo,” Jason’s deep voice answers.

Mike clears her throat.  “I, uh…”  How is she going to explain this?

“You’re supposed to be in your group until 8, right?” Jason asks.

“Um, I, uh, had to leave,” Mike explains.  She’ll tell him about walking out later.  Maybe.  “I started feeling really sick, and I, uh, started driving home, but…Can you come get me?”  Her heart is a stone plummeting down through her body into the car seat.

“What?”

“I got pulled over.”  The admission’s bringing back the prickly nausea.  “I got sick.”

“Why?”  Jason sounds tired.

“I don’t know.  I was swerving or something.”

“No, Mike.  Geez.  Why?”  He’s not asking why she got pulled over.  It’s another thing Mike’s learned the hard way.  Once someone learns that she has one of those eating disorders, it’s like she’s not allowed to be sick for any other reason.

“I—It wasn’t on purpose.  I’m fine.  I just got nauseous.  I’m fine.  I…” Mike’s about to gag.  “Will you and Colby come get me so the cops don’t tow my fucking car?”  She holds the speaker into her chest while she leans over to let out a wet, belchy cough that doesn’t bring up anything.  She’s almost glad her body’s deciding to rebel so she has something to focus on besides the shame of being week and needy.

Jason’s mid-sentence when she gets the phone back to her ear.  “…on our way.  Just, like, chill for a little bit.  You’re probably all wound up.”

“Thanks,” Mike mutters.  She hangs up, then leans back in the seat and closes her eyes.

“You’ve got him on the way?” the cop asks.

Mike nods.  She realizes she stupidly didn’t tell Jason where she is, but she assumes he’ll just start driving toward the therapy center and find her pretty quickly.

She sits in awkward silence with the cop leaning against the car frame for a while.  He asks once or twice if she’s ok, but stays mercifully quiet when Mike just nods and slumps sideways into the velour seat.  Eventually she recognizes Jason’s black sedan as it pulls into a parking lot across the street.  He jumps out, all pale legs in seasonally inappropriate basketball shorts, and dashes across the deserted road.  Colby’s on his heels, looking like an overgrown loyal dog.

“Hey, thanks for looking out for her,” Jason says to the officer.  He looks at Mike, and she can almost see his hardheartedness melting away.  She must have no color.

“Alright, you look like trash,” Jason says by way of greeting.  “I’ll get you home.”

The officer wishes them well and takes his leave.  Mike feels like she can finally think a little once the flashing lights are out of her visual field.

“You wanna jump in the other side?”  Jason asks, gesturing for Mike to vacate the driver’s seat.

She steps down unsteadily, avoiding the splash of vomit just outside the door.  She doesn’t look forward to being stuck in the car with her brother.  Mike can practically see Jason’s thought bubble.  He’ll ask a lot of questions.  Want to know what happened.  Mike’s having a hard enough time reconciling it for herself, and she doesn’t anticipate her brother having a great understanding of the way certain foods and emotions tend to turn her sensitive stomach.

“You know, why don’t I drive this one?” Colby offers as Jason’s about to hop into the seat Mike just left.  “You’re car’s too small for long legs.”  It’s not a great excuse since Colby only has a couple inches on Jason.  He meets eyes with Mike and raises his blonde eyebrows.

“Yeah, sure,” Jason sighs.  There’s no way he doesn’t know what’s up, but he has the grace to pretend to be oblivious.  “See you back home.”  He crosses back to his own car.

Colby deftly climbs into the Rav-4.  “You know he’s pissed cause he cares,” he says to Mike, who has her temple pressed against the passenger window.

“Yeah,” she says.  “Just…feel like I’ve been hearing that a lot lately.”

“I’ll save the lecture, huh?”

“Yeah,” Mike repeats.

Colby stays silent for a while.  Then he asks, “Was it the food I packed?  That made you not feel good?”

“I don’t think so,” Mike murmurs.  “I think it was probably…a lot of stuff.”

“Ok.”  Colby knows not to press.  He turns into the parking lot of their apartment complex.

As they’re gliding into a spot, Mike bluntly asks, “Why’d you care about me?”

“Cause you deserve to be cared about?”  It’s less a question than a statement of duh.  “I know you don’t always think so, but it’s true.”

“Huh.”

Colby puts the car in park and removes the keys from the ignition.  “So, if you’re not opposed to my cooking, you wanna maybe join us for breakfast in the morning?  I’ve convinced Jason to let me make him something other than pop tarts.”

“I’ll, uh, I’ll think about it,” Mike says.  It’s too early to tell how she’ll be feeling in the morning.  But she really does intend to think about it.

[lauramalchowblog]

Campfire Cooking: A Primal Guide

For hundreds of thousands of years, humans had an unbroken tradition of evening firesides. It’s where we told stories, recounted the happenings of the day, sang, danced, and just sat in comfortable silence staring into the flames. It’s also where we graduated from desperate scavengers scooping half-eaten marrow and gnawing bone scraps for gristly morsels into legitimate cooks.

Now that line is broken. Now we sit around the television. We sit under the perma-glow of the LED, gazing into our phones. If we even cook, we do it under perfectly controlled settings. Which is fine, but it’s missing something: the wildness of fire.

Cooking over a campfire is more art than science. It’s feel. It’s intuition. It’s love. Every flame is unique, every piece of wood or charcoal providing a different amount of heat. No two steaks or slices of bacon are identical cooked over flame or charcoal, yet each is perfect in its own way. It always works out.

First of all, you don’t need to actually go camping to do campfire cooking. It certainly helps, and I highly recommend camping as often as you can, but you can cook over fire almost anywhere, anytime.

Here’s what to do….

How To Get Set Up

Watch the Francis Mallmann Episode Of Netflix’s “Chef’s Table”

If you have Netflix, watch it. It’s from the first season. This trailer gives you a taste of what to expect.

Mallmann is an Argentine chef who cooks exclusively using wood fire. He’s a bit of a romantic, always wearing colorful cloaks and elaborate hats and quoting poetry and things like that, but somehow it works with him. He’ll have you wanting to start flirting with the “edge of uncertainty” that is campfire cooking.

Get a Fire Pit

Buy one if you like. I haven’t come across any great cooking commercial fire pits, but I’m sure they’re out there.

You can get some old steel drums and either cut the tops off, or lay them on their side and cut from top to bottom to create a “trough” style pit. Make sure to clean the inside and (this is important) only use unlined drums—you don’t want any toxic material coating the interior. Give it a good hot fire or two to burn off any unwanted residues.

You can find a metal fabricator nearby who’ll build whatever you want. Bring a sketch (or detailed description) of your desired fire pit and he or she will build exactly what you envision.

Horizontal smokers work, too, if the trough section is big enough for a fire.

A basic Weber-style charcoal grill can also work well, handling either wood fires or charcoal.

Or, for the most Primal experience, you could build one on the ground. Make a ring of stones, shape it into whatever arrangement you’d feel best cooking on, and get cooking. Have a source of water nearby (hose, huge bucket) so you can douse the thing if it gets out of hand.

Get Some Cast Iron

There’s something extremely romantic about cooking in black iron over fire. It feels Primal, elemental, and ancient. Plus, cast iron can handle the worst fire you can throw at it and turn it into something beautiful and delicious.

Get a grill, like this one: Raichlen’s Tuscan grill—a 14 inch by 14 inch square cast iron grill with screw on legs, so you can place it directly in the fire and either cook right on the grill or use it as a stand for your pan or griddle. I’ve used this thing to cook meat right in the sand as the sun drops. Nothing like it.

Get some pans: I like a 12 inch cast iron pan and a 15 inch cast iron pan—good sizes but still maneuverable (albeit heavy). If you’re feeding more people or need to cook 4-5 steaks at once, think about getting a really huge piece like this 20-incher or maybe the 17 incher from Lodge. You can often find better deals (and unique pieces) at garage sales, antique sales, or off of Craigslist.

Get a griddle: A big flat rectangular slab of iron is also pretty great, if you prefer that shape to the round pan. Your mileage may vary. Or get both!

Build a Fire

For cooking, I like the log cabin setup. You need a big fire pit to do this, and it consumes a lot of wood, but it really creates a hot flame and, if you plan on cooking over it (see the next section), great embers in a short amount of time. Start with two large pieces across from each other. Stack two more across the top on the other sides, forming a square. Continue until you’ve got a 1-2 foot structure. Then, place a small tipi inside the “cabin” and light it. Place small kindling-size pieces across the top of the “cabin” to increase the fuel.

Here’s a nice video of one.

Choose Hardwoods

Oak is probably the best to cook over. Almond and madrone are also great. Neutral taste, powerful heat.

Don’t cook over wood like redwood or bay or eucalyptus. Anything with strong resin or sap will flavor your food, and not in a good way. Although some Caribbean jerk recipes use bay for flavor, a little bit goes a long way.

Straight up charcoal is another option. It’s not as romantic or thrilling as building a fire and seeing it cook down into embers, but it does the trick.

You’re ready to go. Your fire is blazing. Embers are developing. What’s next?

What To Cook

Steak

The quintessential campfire meal is grilled steak. Or seared—read on. Some salt, some pepper, some fat, some fire, and some iron. It’s easy. It’s delicious. And it’s highly satisfying.

What kind of steaks?

They all work. I’d reserve the pricy stuff like NY strips, ribeyes, and porterhouses for a later date, for when you’re more skilled around the campfire, and stick with cheaper (but no less delicious) cuts in the beginning.

Skirt

Chuck Eye

Flat Iron

Picanha, or Petite Sirloin (a section of the sirloin with a big fat cap on it)

Cook this with salt and pepper on your cast iron pan, which should be screaming hot before you add the steaks. Flip once, press the center, and when it feels right, it’s done. Don’t use a thermometer. Go by feel. Trust your instincts. If they’re wrong, they will hone themselves and the next one will be better. You don’t want to be the person who’s fussing and fretting with fancy thermometers over the campfire, do you?

You can grill over the grates, but I really think a pan works better here. Any marinated steak, however, seems to work better over a grill.

And these all apply, of course, to other types of animal flesh: lamb leg steaks or chops, pork chops or loin, venison (preferably backstrap from an animal just killed).

Stews

I hereby declare that the category of “stews” includes chili, curry, pot roasts, and anything else you cook in a big old pot with liquid that’s hearty, rich, and thick and isn’t soup.

This is the best chili to make over a campfire.

This is a great lamb curry.

I love this German pot roast over the fire. Since the liquid will evaporate quicker than in the oven, you’ll need to keep some bone broth on hand to keep adding to the pot as it disappears. It actually ends up better and richer than the oven version due to the added gelatin.

I once came up with a stew using camp leftovers that I’ll probably never be able to recreate, but this was the gist:

Chop some bacon and render the fat in a dutch oven.

A whole chicken, salted and browned on all sides in said dutch oven.

Throw in a mess of chopped veggies—garlic, peppers, onions, leeks, carrots, lemon slices—and brown them in the fat.

Pour half a bottle of white wine in and half a hard cider or beer.

Pour in some vinegar and fish sauce.

Pour in some canned/jarred tomatoes or tomato puree. Paste would also work.

Then let it cook down. Put the wooden spoon in it and cover it, so that the steam can escape and the stew can thicken. It’s ready when the meat is falling off the bone, the broth is thick, and the bones are softening.

The beauty of this one was that we kept adding ingredients throughout the cook as we discovered them and went “hey, this might be good!” Yours might not turn out the same, but it will be great. Probably works well with any hunk of meat, as long as it has bone and connective tissue—think oxtails, shanks, legs, feet.

The problem with making dishes like this in the kitchen is that it’s terribly boring standing there for hours monitoring its progress. The beauty of making dishes like this over the campfire is that it’s not. You’ve got friends pitching in, taking turns with the spoon. You have a beverage. You’re laughing, chatting, talking. You can always just gaze at the trees. It’s a communal event. If you can, extend the cook time of all these dishes. Really let the fire and smoke soak into the stew.

Veggies

Veggies are to be cooked as the meat is resting, preferably using the same pan in the same fat. A few ideas:

Vegetable “Risotto”: Chop peppers (both hot and sweet and mild), slice onions, some green tomatoes, some leeks and shallots (basically all the alliums you can find), carrots, cherry tomatoes. Throw in a few whole garlic cloves (or a few dozen). Cook in the meat drippings and as it cooks down, add little scoops of hot bone broth. That’s the “risotto” part—continually adding hot broth to reduce down into syrup. Consider a splash or two of lemon juice at the end, if it needs acidity.

Crispy Asparagus: Chop asparagus up into four pieces, each about two inches long. In either avocado oil or the meat drippings, sauté the asparagus pieces until browned and crispy. Finish with sea salt and lemon juice.

Grilled Zucchini: Slice big vertical slices about a finger width thick. Brush with avocado oil and plenty of salt and pepper. Grill over a grate until you get char marks. Flip, repeat, eat. Zucchini is surprisingly low carb and very high in potassium.

Dessert

I tend to let loose with the sweet stuff a bit more when camping, reason being I’ve been incredibly active, my circadian rhythm is on point from lack of artificial lighting, and sweet stuff just tastes better when it’s a rarity. And even this “sweet stuff” isn’t all that sweet compared to what most people are eating daily.

Whipped cream: Keep metal bowl on ice, pour in cream, maybe add a splash of bourbon or rum, add a little sweetener (real sugar, monkfruit powder, honey, etc.—less is more), and whisk. Pass the bowl around the group for everyone to whisk, since your forearms are probably tired from hauling around cast iron.

Grilled Fruit:

Pears studded with cloves. Cut pears in half. Shove a clove or two into each half. Sear in butter on cast iron and sprinkle of salt. Serve with whipped cream.

Mandarin oranges seared with rosemary. Sprig of rosemary on top the orange, sear in butter. Serve with whipped cream.

Apples in pork fat. If you’ve been cooking pork or bacon, save the fat to cook apple slices in. Sprinkle cinnamon and maybe some cayenne. Serve with whipped cream.

Primal Chocolate Cake: This never fails to please. Cook a Japanese sweet potato by wrapping in foil and burying it in the coals and ashes, making sure to poke a hole down the middle with a chopstick first to provide an avenue for heat down the middle. When it’s ready, cut in half, stick some 85% dark chocolate pieces into the flesh, sprinkle with salt, and mash. Eat.

Dates Stuffed With Salted Macadamia Nuts: No explanation needed. One or two nuts per date half. Incorporate bacon if you like.

“Pumpkin Pie”: Take the winter squash of your choice (I like honey nut, a better, smaller, sweeter butternut) and bury it in the coals and ashes an hour before you need it. Once it’s done, halve it, deseed it, add a raw egg yolk to each half, sprinkle some ginger/cinnamon/nutmeg, add salt, and mash it up. Top with whipped cream.

The trick with campfire cooking is to make it sort of elaborate but not surgical. Rustic but not “empty can of beans into pot.” It’s a fine balance. It’s riding that edge of uncertainty. You can’t quite define it; you just know it when you taste it.

Take care, everyone, and get out of the city and go camping. Or crowd around the fire in your backyard. Or, heck, go to a park with BBQ grills and make a day of it. It’s not too late. Fall camping is my favorite. It’s the perfect time.

What about you? What do you like to cook over the fire?

Thanks for reading. Be well. And let me know how your campfire goes.

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[jesseneufeld]

Campfire Cooking: A Primal Guide

For hundreds of thousands of years, humans had an unbroken tradition of evening firesides. It’s where we told stories, recounted the happenings of the day, sang, danced, and just sat in comfortable silence staring into the flames. It’s also where we graduated from desperate scavengers scooping half-eaten marrow and gnawing bone scraps for gristly morsels into legitimate cooks.

Now that line is broken. Now we sit around the television. We sit under the perma-glow of the LED, gazing into our phones. If we even cook, we do it under perfectly controlled settings. Which is fine, but it’s missing something: the wildness of fire.

Cooking over a campfire is more art than science. It’s feel. It’s intuition. It’s love. Every flame is unique, every piece of wood or charcoal providing a different amount of heat. No two steaks or slices of bacon are identical cooked over flame or charcoal, yet each is perfect in its own way. It always works out.

First of all, you don’t need to actually go camping to do campfire cooking. It certainly helps, and I highly recommend camping as often as you can, but you can cook over fire almost anywhere, anytime.

Here’s what to do….

How To Get Set Up

Watch the Francis Mallmann Episode Of Netflix’s “Chef’s Table”

If you have Netflix, watch it. It’s from the first season. This trailer gives you a taste of what to expect.

Mallmann is an Argentine chef who cooks exclusively using wood fire. He’s a bit of a romantic, always wearing colorful cloaks and elaborate hats and quoting poetry and things like that, but somehow it works with him. He’ll have you wanting to start flirting with the “edge of uncertainty” that is campfire cooking.

Get a Fire Pit

Buy one if you like. I haven’t come across any great cooking commercial fire pits, but I’m sure they’re out there.

You can get some old steel drums and either cut the tops off, or lay them on their side and cut from top to bottom to create a “trough” style pit. Make sure to clean the inside and (this is important) only use unlined drums—you don’t want any toxic material coating the interior. Give it a good hot fire or two to burn off any unwanted residues.

You can find a metal fabricator nearby who’ll build whatever you want. Bring a sketch (or detailed description) of your desired fire pit and he or she will build exactly what you envision.

Horizontal smokers work, too, if the trough section is big enough for a fire.

A basic Weber-style charcoal grill can also work well, handling either wood fires or charcoal.

Or, for the most Primal experience, you could build one on the ground. Make a ring of stones, shape it into whatever arrangement you’d feel best cooking on, and get cooking. Have a source of water nearby (hose, huge bucket) so you can douse the thing if it gets out of hand.

Get Some Cast Iron

There’s something extremely romantic about cooking in black iron over fire. It feels Primal, elemental, and ancient. Plus, cast iron can handle the worst fire you can throw at it and turn it into something beautiful and delicious.

Get a grill, like this one: Raichlen’s Tuscan grill—a 14 inch by 14 inch square cast iron grill with screw on legs, so you can place it directly in the fire and either cook right on the grill or use it as a stand for your pan or griddle. I’ve used this thing to cook meat right in the sand as the sun drops. Nothing like it.

Get some pans: I like a 12 inch cast iron pan and a 15 inch cast iron pan—good sizes but still maneuverable (albeit heavy). If you’re feeding more people or need to cook 4-5 steaks at once, think about getting a really huge piece like this 20-incher or maybe the 17 incher from Lodge. You can often find better deals (and unique pieces) at garage sales, antique sales, or off of Craigslist.

Get a griddle: A big flat rectangular slab of iron is also pretty great, if you prefer that shape to the round pan. Your mileage may vary. Or get both!

Build a Fire

For cooking, I like the log cabin setup. You need a big fire pit to do this, and it consumes a lot of wood, but it really creates a hot flame and, if you plan on cooking over it (see the next section), great embers in a short amount of time. Start with two large pieces across from each other. Stack two more across the top on the other sides, forming a square. Continue until you’ve got a 1-2 foot structure. Then, place a small tipi inside the “cabin” and light it. Place small kindling-size pieces across the top of the “cabin” to increase the fuel.

Here’s a nice video of one.

Choose Hardwoods

Oak is probably the best to cook over. Almond and madrone are also great. Neutral taste, powerful heat.

Don’t cook over wood like redwood or bay or eucalyptus. Anything with strong resin or sap will flavor your food, and not in a good way. Although some Caribbean jerk recipes use bay for flavor, a little bit goes a long way.

Straight up charcoal is another option. It’s not as romantic or thrilling as building a fire and seeing it cook down into embers, but it does the trick.

You’re ready to go. Your fire is blazing. Embers are developing. What’s next?

What To Cook

Steak

The quintessential campfire meal is grilled steak. Or seared—read on. Some salt, some pepper, some fat, some fire, and some iron. It’s easy. It’s delicious. And it’s highly satisfying.

What kind of steaks?

They all work. I’d reserve the pricy stuff like NY strips, ribeyes, and porterhouses for a later date, for when you’re more skilled around the campfire, and stick with cheaper (but no less delicious) cuts in the beginning.

Skirt

Chuck Eye

Flat Iron

Picanha, or Petite Sirloin (a section of the sirloin with a big fat cap on it)

Cook this with salt and pepper on your cast iron pan, which should be screaming hot before you add the steaks. Flip once, press the center, and when it feels right, it’s done. Don’t use a thermometer. Go by feel. Trust your instincts. If they’re wrong, they will hone themselves and the next one will be better. You don’t want to be the person who’s fussing and fretting with fancy thermometers over the campfire, do you?

You can grill over the grates, but I really think a pan works better here. Any marinated steak, however, seems to work better over a grill.

And these all apply, of course, to other types of animal flesh: lamb leg steaks or chops, pork chops or loin, venison (preferably backstrap from an animal just killed).

Stews

I hereby declare that the category of “stews” includes chili, curry, pot roasts, and anything else you cook in a big old pot with liquid that’s hearty, rich, and thick and isn’t soup.

This is the best chili to make over a campfire.

This is a great lamb curry.

I love this German pot roast over the fire. Since the liquid will evaporate quicker than in the oven, you’ll need to keep some bone broth on hand to keep adding to the pot as it disappears. It actually ends up better and richer than the oven version due to the added gelatin.

I once came up with a stew using camp leftovers that I’ll probably never be able to recreate, but this was the gist:

Chop some bacon and render the fat in a dutch oven.

A whole chicken, salted and browned on all sides in said dutch oven.

Throw in a mess of chopped veggies—garlic, peppers, onions, leeks, carrots, lemon slices—and brown them in the fat.

Pour half a bottle of white wine in and half a hard cider or beer.

Pour in some vinegar and fish sauce.

Pour in some canned/jarred tomatoes or tomato puree. Paste would also work.

Then let it cook down. Put the wooden spoon in it and cover it, so that the steam can escape and the stew can thicken. It’s ready when the meat is falling off the bone, the broth is thick, and the bones are softening.

The beauty of this one was that we kept adding ingredients throughout the cook as we discovered them and went “hey, this might be good!” Yours might not turn out the same, but it will be great. Probably works well with any hunk of meat, as long as it has bone and connective tissue—think oxtails, shanks, legs, feet.

The problem with making dishes like this in the kitchen is that it’s terribly boring standing there for hours monitoring its progress. The beauty of making dishes like this over the campfire is that it’s not. You’ve got friends pitching in, taking turns with the spoon. You have a beverage. You’re laughing, chatting, talking. You can always just gaze at the trees. It’s a communal event. If you can, extend the cook time of all these dishes. Really let the fire and smoke soak into the stew.

Veggies

Veggies are to be cooked as the meat is resting, preferably using the same pan in the same fat. A few ideas:

Vegetable “Risotto”: Chop peppers (both hot and sweet and mild), slice onions, some green tomatoes, some leeks and shallots (basically all the alliums you can find), carrots, cherry tomatoes. Throw in a few whole garlic cloves (or a few dozen). Cook in the meat drippings and as it cooks down, add little scoops of hot bone broth. That’s the “risotto” part—continually adding hot broth to reduce down into syrup. Consider a splash or two of lemon juice at the end, if it needs acidity.

Crispy Asparagus: Chop asparagus up into four pieces, each about two inches long. In either avocado oil or the meat drippings, sauté the asparagus pieces until browned and crispy. Finish with sea salt and lemon juice.

Grilled Zucchini: Slice big vertical slices about a finger width thick. Brush with avocado oil and plenty of salt and pepper. Grill over a grate until you get char marks. Flip, repeat, eat. Zucchini is surprisingly low carb and very high in potassium.

Dessert

I tend to let loose with the sweet stuff a bit more when camping, reason being I’ve been incredibly active, my circadian rhythm is on point from lack of artificial lighting, and sweet stuff just tastes better when it’s a rarity. And even this “sweet stuff” isn’t all that sweet compared to what most people are eating daily.

Whipped cream: Keep metal bowl on ice, pour in cream, maybe add a splash of bourbon or rum, add a little sweetener (real sugar, monkfruit powder, honey, etc.—less is more), and whisk. Pass the bowl around the group for everyone to whisk, since your forearms are probably tired from hauling around cast iron.

Grilled Fruit:

Pears studded with cloves. Cut pears in half. Shove a clove or two into each half. Sear in butter on cast iron and sprinkle of salt. Serve with whipped cream.

Mandarin oranges seared with rosemary. Sprig of rosemary on top the orange, sear in butter. Serve with whipped cream.

Apples in pork fat. If you’ve been cooking pork or bacon, save the fat to cook apple slices in. Sprinkle cinnamon and maybe some cayenne. Serve with whipped cream.

Primal Chocolate Cake: This never fails to please. Cook a Japanese sweet potato by wrapping in foil and burying it in the coals and ashes, making sure to poke a hole down the middle with a chopstick first to provide an avenue for heat down the middle. When it’s ready, cut in half, stick some 85% dark chocolate pieces into the flesh, sprinkle with salt, and mash. Eat.

Dates Stuffed With Salted Macadamia Nuts: No explanation needed. One or two nuts per date half. Incorporate bacon if you like.

“Pumpkin Pie”: Take the winter squash of your choice (I like honey nut, a better, smaller, sweeter butternut) and bury it in the coals and ashes an hour before you need it. Once it’s done, halve it, deseed it, add a raw egg yolk to each half, sprinkle some ginger/cinnamon/nutmeg, add salt, and mash it up. Top with whipped cream.

The trick with campfire cooking is to make it sort of elaborate but not surgical. Rustic but not “empty can of beans into pot.” It’s a fine balance. It’s riding that edge of uncertainty. You can’t quite define it; you just know it when you taste it.

Take care, everyone, and get out of the city and go camping. Or crowd around the fire in your backyard. Or, heck, go to a park with BBQ grills and make a day of it. It’s not too late. Fall camping is my favorite. It’s the perfect time.

What about you? What do you like to cook over the fire?

Thanks for reading. Be well. And let me know how your campfire goes.

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[moon-dust-lust]

I write bad stand up comedy so thanks

So nice of everyone to come tonight, on a good day I have no more than four people that look at me at one time, so this is definitely making me severely uncomfortable. I'm only 20 years old which means just like every other 20 year old I cry in the shower and use tinder. I at first thought of tinder as a great way to pick up prey as a serial killer. I watched criminal minds a kid and I watch FOX news so every predator showcased on those forums are white dudes. I am also from eugene oregon so pretty much all of tinder looks like the milk aisle. Some are organic, some are fat free and others are being fought over by two different women who will send you death threats over facebook and try and sabotage your relationship. It is just great. Anyways, I recently decided as an in debt 20 year old with too may bills to pay and a customer service job that I'm already dead inside, so if I died it'd be pretty much how it is now except I would no longer have obligations and all the guys from my high school would finally pay attention to me. My first experience was just as about as fucked as it gets. He was this hot guy, six foot, covered in tattoos. He had just moved from utah, or illinois or somewhere else unimportant. He asked me for my snapchat, which ws already a flag because he was 26 and no one except someone over the age of 12, a soccer mom that's had a little too much wine, or a celebrity uses it; but I let it slide. So he's sending me pics and it looks like he's outside. He's sitting in a tent and so I'm like, "oh are you camping? that's fun. Don't let me keep you from anything". He's all, "No I live in a tent". Come to find out he had no job, no car and was living in a tent on someone's property. He was a homeless man. Now, how I found hopefully the only homeless man on tinder is beside me, but the weirdest part is how he had a phone still and also how he thought he could pick up chicks. Like did he think as a date i would let him shower at my place? Or was he thinking my ass would get fully dressed up in make up and heels just to spend the night in his tent? Would he make me bring my own firewood and sleeping bag? My own can of beans?  My experiences with men are pretty much summed up by this interaction alone. My first date ever, I showed up at this guy's house and it was infested with rabbits. I am talking ten or twelve. Then he took me up to his room to watch a movie, door open because this was high school and I had never even seen a condom before and his mom was downstairs watching something with jennfier aniston in it. His room was COVERED in pictures of his ex girlfriend. Pictures she drew of them, gifts she gave him, pictures of them together etc. SO, I was so uncomfortable but I was thinking it was probably just because he was too lazy to take them down. I was so wrong. So, so very wrong. Let me preface this by saying this was my first date, EVER. I had no idea what it was supposed to be like. He was a quarter back and he was all in shape and tan and that was pretty much all I knew about it. He had a really cliché rich white name and he was one of the only sophomores with a car and no curfew. He was a real bad boy. So after my date I got approached by his ex girlfriend at a party. She then told me that he was sending pictures of me while I wasn't looking to her and telling her how great of a time he was having and how he didn't need her. This was my first god damn date. I just cannot believe the progress I have made in the 5 years I have been dating. I never dated in middle school because i wore blue eyeliner and had a perm in the late 200s. I was really setting myself up to fail to begin with. I had one relationship that lasted three years. There is this funny thing about guys where they start out pretty normal and then after they really get comfortable they start to cheat on you and go crazy. It is just the weirdest thing. It's like the gremlins except instead of not feeding them after midnight you provide the with emotional stability and all the love in your hard. Big mistake ladies, Am I right? This guy I dated was so much fun. There was one time he told me I was absolutely perfect. He would tell me "Everything about you is perfect, except you could use a boob job". look, I will be the first to say i have the littlest titties in america, but I'll be damned if you dont appreciate them. They are like one piece of chocolate or the very back row of seats of a concert. You're just glad you got a little taste of your favorite thing, okay? I am like the bronze medal you get at a sporting event. Bitch you should just be happy you got any trophy at all. This guy was a real whackadoodle. He would cheat on me and then not let me go out with dudes, or ladies, bisexual pride woot woot, because he thought i would cheat to get back at him. But jokes on him because nobody likes me and I also didn't have any friends. I ended up breaking up with him because he was obviously terrible and he decided to stalk me. All i could think about when he would harass my family and try and show up at my school and had his parents blow up my phone is, "now you miss my lil tities?" who was gonna pay for all this shit in the first place? where did he think i was gonna get the fucking money for this? I am a broke college student, I drive a car that sounds like an eighty year old at the back of a movie theater coughing and I work at a restaurant where everyone is so stoned, it's like I'm at in the middle of portland on a saturday night. I go to the university of oregon. A very fun school, full of people who have no interest in talking to me. In their defense half the time I have my headphones in and I am crying so I guess it's just in everyone's best interest to not get into it. I am a psychology major, which I call the boring white girl major. I got into it to become a sex therapist, mostly because I am not having any and really want to find out if there's a book on how to make people not continuously reject you, but also because sex is a hard topc and I talk about it like a human urban dictionary. The worst part about the university is the talking. There was one time I had a 200 person anthropology class and these girls from a sorority who all obviously took the class together to cheat and not do anything ever, were describing their friend tiffany or gemma or some other rich fake tanned name's vomit. The color, texture, smell, everything. They were analyzing what she had eaten the previous morning and all the alcohol she mixed and all I could think was, " if you spent half as much time talking about your friend samantha's vomit as you would listening you wouldn't be failing this class and self medicating with alcohol to the point where you throw up because youre a bunch of clemintine sharp nailed looking green beans". Like i pay too much to listen to you explain the thong you bought and how it chafes your butthole when you dry hump alex from the frat across the street who is also fucking tina with the fake nose and even though he gave you clamydia six months ago, you trust him now you know? I own one bra and one pencil. I am wearing two completely different socks, one is a knee high and the other is an ankle one. Whenever I am hungry i dont go to sushi, I go to bed. So please Gretchen from Bitch, Bump &grind and beyond stop and let me at least get a C so I can land a job that makes me 12 dollars an hour and I can be poor in a different setting. I work full time and go to school. I am not like most millenials. I don't have time to eat avocado toast or catch HPV. At my little restaurant in junction city, the staff is absolutely questionable. I was the first girl there who was single and under the age of 40, so naturally I became bate for every man in society you hope you never run into in life. The first was our host. He looked like bowzer from mario if he were a white middle class man. He was shaped like a tear drop, so his head was small and oddly shaped and the rest of him just got wider and rounder as you went down. He always wore the same button down shirt, I think to try and impress me, but like it was his only button down shirt. Anyways, he is what I call the lingerer. If you are a woman who has ever had a man like you at work, you know exactly what I am talking about. He would follow around, but like at a creepy slow distance and he would stare at me until he thought i was looking and then looked away. He would also reach over or around me just so he could be close to me. It's weird and painful to watch. He also asked my sister, who also works there, if i was a lesbian because i wasnt immediately interested in him. Let me digress for a moment and say that just because a woman rejects you doesnt mean she loves only vagina. It usually means you arent a good person, or she just doesnt wanna date, or she has a boyfriend already, or you have no common interests, or she doesnt want to mix work with her personal life or maybe she has something personal against blonde guys, white guys, guys with glasses, she dated someone with your name and its weird, she has a lot of issues with touching, you have weird hands, you have bad breath, you are bad at your job, she is asexual, or THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON SHE JUST DOESNT LIKE YOU AT ALL EVER. Men are so vapid about that sometimes. Anyways, he gave me a cash tip off one of my tables and I, trying to be civil was all, "oh i love free money thank you" trying to relate to him because he seemed like the type to bring a gun to work and I really wasnt in the mood to get shot or followed out to my car so i gotta keep is civil you know? so apparently you cannot be friends with sexual predators because then he gets all close and whispers in my ear "is that how I get in your pants, by throwing money at you?". The tip he gave me was only five dollars. If is ass thought having sex with me would cost only five dollars, he has no idea how bad inflation is or how much i spend on amazon a month. Also, even with my little titties and cellulite, no amount of money would let me fuck a guy who looked like barnie the dinosaur if he were a white pale ghost. I have very low standards, but they exist for sure. somewhere. deep down. The next guy i had was this old cook. he was 65 and he cooked in the morning. His wife was obviously dead, in his basement or both because he was always saying nasty things to me. He told me that if he were forty years younger he would hire me as his kid's babysitter so he could fuck me. He also told me he was extremely attracted to me and terrified of me at the same time. He one time came up to me and asked me what i had in my front seat because i was hiding something under a coat. He has rotted out teeth and children older than me. It is men like those guys that make me think, "am I really that bad to the point this is as good as it gets?

[hellofastestnewsfan]

In 2007, Poorvi Patodia was pregnant and felt like she was eating too many chips. Her cravings for salty, crunchy snacks were intense, but what moms should eat while pregnant is a touchy subject. “I had this thought of, What else could I be eating that’s better for me?” she says. “I remembered these roasted chickpeas that my mom used to make.”

Patodia started roasting chickpeas for herself. She had her baby and went on with her life, but the thought stuck with her. Her fellow Americans were missing out on something delicious.

Five years later, Patodia put her pregnancy cravings, Indian background, and professional experience in the food industry together and started Biena Snacks, which offers more than a dozen varieties of crunchy, flavored chickpeas. It was the right thing at the right time, even in a country that has long ignored the ingredient: The snacks are now available in more than 12,000 retail locations.

Biena is part of a constellation of American food companies, including Banza and The Good Bean, that has sprung up around the humble chickpea in recent years, ready to fully integrate a global staple food into the country’s diets. Now there are chips made with chickpea flour and vegan butter emulsified with the liquid waste of hummus manufacturing. There’s dessert hummus, which might be one of the more difficult sells in the garbanzo-food family tree. Beyond the grocery store, there are viral chickpea recipes to prepare at home, and maybe even some chickpea brine behind the bar at your favorite cocktail spot. (The substance, commonly called aquafaba, can be used to create a fizz without the threat of salmonella borne by a raw egg white.)

[Read: Recycling isn’t the answer: To save the planet, eat plants]

Trendy ingredients with health-centric pitches can be easy to dismiss as the domain of affluent coast dwellers overestimating the importance of their own preferences. But the spike in chickpea interest in the United States has been so profound that it’s even reflected in internet-search data: Monthly Google inquiries have more than tripled since January 2011, when hummus was already commonplace among the country’s more adventurous eaters. In a country increasingly wary of meat, more open than ever to non-Western ingredients, and anxious about climate change, the chickpea’s expanding role in the American diet is less a trend story than a logical inevitability.

First, there was hummus, the Trojan horse on which the chickpea rode into the American diet. “Hummus was one of the first prestige grocery foods,” says Ali Bouzari, a food scientist and culinary consultant who helps companies develop new food products. “Hummus was The Sopranos of the grocery store.” Because of new manufacturing and packaging technologies that had become available around the time of hummus’s 2000s-era ascent, Bouzari says, food companies were able to deliver a fresher, better-tasting product to consumers than the first time snack brands had tried their hand at bean dips—which is essentially what hummus is—in the 1970s.

Hummus’s American expansion was led by the Israeli company Sabra, which was so successful that PepsiCo bought a 50 percent ownership stake in it in 2008. But the involvement of giant food conglomerates is an indication of hummus’s success, not the cause of it, Bouzari says. “They could not just cram it down our throats if we weren’t going to buy it,” he explains.

The era’s growing stable of health-conscious consumers wanted something to dip their carrots in besides fat-free ranch dressing. Hummus provided a snack that wasn’t predicated on engineering the good parts out of something they liked, and it benefited from an American populace more open-minded about new foods than it ever had been. It appeared in grocery stores at a time when Americans had already started acclimating en masse to things such as sushi, which had been considered intolerably foreign by most Americans for decades. Comparatively, hummus was a small leap.

“It boils down to the fact that people like creamy, starchy stuff,” Bouzari says. “And at this point, the American learning curve for new foods is just insanely short.” He attributes that shift to the internet and travel creating a sense of broad familiarity to more types of food, but also to some fundamental differences in who gets to make decisions in the American food industry. People like him and Patodia, who grew up with immigrant parents and had food experiences that deviated from the long-held white American norm, have more power to shape what ends up in grocery stores, as both consumers and industry professionals.

Once hummus became a widely enjoyed grocery-store staple, people at every level of the American food industry saw opportunity in the legume’s versatility. In the Middle East, South Asia, Africa, and the Mediterranean, chickpeas have been a common ingredient in everyday cooking for thousands of years. “The reason chickpea is grown and consumed so heavily in those areas is because of its nutritional value,” says Douglas Cook, the head of the chickpea lab at the University of California at Davis. “It’s an import species, and we’re a bit late to the party.”

One of the chickpea’s biggest sells to modern American consumers is its protein and fiber content. Like Greek yogurt, another familiar but foreign food that took off at roughly the same time, the chickpea’s high protein—15 grams a cup when cooked—is seen as evidence of its superior food value in a diet culture obsessed with protein. Indeed, Patodia says that one of Biena’s two biggest consumer demographics isn’t characterized by a particular location or income level, but by a common goal. “They’re struggling or aspiring to eat healthier but have a hard time with it,” she says. “It’s the original problem I was trying to solve for myself.”

For those with food allergies or dietary restrictions, meanwhile, chickpeas are a utility player. They tend to trigger fewer reactions than wheat or soy while furnishing a similar stable of flours, extracts, and nonanimal protein sources. Plus, twice as many Americans believe they have food allergies as actually do, so an ingredient’s status as allergy-friendly can propel it to popularity beyond just those with diagnosable problems. Bouzari sees this as a big motivator for his clients that are developing new products. “Chickpea is one of the five or 10 ingredients that, universally, everyone is okay with putting in their stuff,” he says.

[Read: It may take a global vegetarian movement to combat climate change]

For vegetarians, vegans, or omnivores who want to eat less meat, the bean is handy and transmutable. “It’s available across cuisines, so it’s a pretty easy thing to adapt to people’s diets,” says Alicia Kennedy, a vegan food writer and the host of the Meatless podcast. “It takes on so many flavors on its own, so it’s kind of the chicken of the bean world.” Chickpeas are common in Indian, Turkish, Ethiopian, Middle Eastern, Greek, Italian, and Spanish food, just to name a few, so they’re an easy starting point for American cooks. “Chickpeas just aren’t an intimidating bean,” Kennedy says.

The number of Americans who eschew meat or animal products altogether has held roughly steady in recent decades, but the amount of meat eaten by Americans overall has declined: From 2005 to 2014, red-meat consumption in America dropped by almost one-fifth. The concerns about health and the environment that drove that drop have only intensified in the five years since. Chickpeas are inexpensive and broadly available, and the global cuisines they commonly appear in are ones that de-emphasize meat in ways that Americans are starting to see as more valuable. People in the United States aren’t trying anything new. Instead, they’re regressing to the global mean after generations of profligate meat consumption that many now consider unwise.

In the maybe-not-so-distant future, getting closer to that mean might be more necessity than choice. In a climate that’s getting hotter and drier for many Americans, sustainable and nutritionally dense crops such as chickpeas will likely play an important role in feeding people, as exactly what America can cultivate changes. Chickpeas haven’t dominated global diets for millennia by coincidence, according to UC Davis’s Cook. “Chickpea is very efficient in terms of water use, and in most of the world, it’s grown as a rain-fed crop,” he says. It also enriches the ground it grows in: Chickpeas, like other legumes, release nitrogen into the soil. Cook says that reduces the need for one of the most expensive and environmentally damaging elements of industrial food cultivation: fertilizer made by burning fossil fuels.

Its particular combination of cultural and nutritional circumstances makes the chickpea’s expanding popularity a different phenomenon than Millennial trends that might be dismissively associated with it, such as avocado toast or gluten avoidance. It’s less of a fad, and more of a new norm in what people expect from the food they buy. “People up and down the whole chain, whether it’s people going to the stores or buyers for the stores or product developers, there’s momentum,” Bouzari says. Americans at large are just ready to eat a little differently, he explains. “If someone tried to launch hummus in the American market in March 2019, it would be a phenomenon by September, and you’d be writing about it right when football season started.”

from The Atlantic https://ift.tt/2W3KKUn

[laurabedokis]

What to Feed a Siberian Husky

One of the most popular questions I get about our Husky, Sassy, is what we feed her. This is my Ultimate Guide to Feeding Your Siberian Husky!!

Nutrition Basics

Huskies need slightly more protein than the average dog. They do well with high protein, moderately high fat, low carb, and low grain foods.

There is a big debate about grain-free foods for Huskies and other dogs in general right now. I believe it is important to do what you feel is best for your dog and do research regarding the facts of grain-free foods. We feed Sassy grain-free food due to some digestion issues and I do not believe there is enough research or evidence for me personally to change her food yet. I know dogs have trouble digesting grains and Sassy was having a lot of problems before we switched to grain-free. I may change my mind later, but this is my current choice. 

Another reason we chose Sassy’s current food is that it has a high amount of fiber which not only helps her digestive and anal gland issues.

Puppy Needs

Puppies have their own set of dietary requirements and it’s important to feed your Husky a puppy food so they get all the important vitamins and nutrients they need. It is recommended to feed husky puppies three times throughout the day. 

As your pup gets older, he or she will likely start eating only about two times a day and that is just fine!

How to Switch Your Husky from Puppy to Adult Food

I fed Sassy as a puppy three times a day, ½ cup for each feeding. 

Once she became an adult, we switched her to twice per day, 1 cup meals. 

Always do a gradual food change with your dog as they can have serious digestive issues if you try to change their food so suddenly.

To change Sassy’s food I went ahead for the first week and implemented her new eating schedule of only feeding her twice per day. This means I went ahead and changed the amounts (Three – ½ cups VS. Two – 1 cup meals.)

Week 1: I did ¼ cup of the new food to ¾ of the old food.

Week 2: I did ½ cup of the new food with ½ cup of the old food.

Week 3: ¾ cup of the new food with ½ cup of the old food.

Week 4: You’re ready to feed the new food with minimal digestive issues.

When and How Much to Feed Your Husky

Sassy, as an adult Husky, eats anywhere from 2-3 cups of food per day. I will serve her one cup in the morning and one cup in the evening along with some wet food and her pumpkin supplement. If that isn’t enough, I’ll add a half-cup to her food bowl after she (literally) tells me she’s still hungry.

Huskies love routine and they will quickly learn when their dinner time is. They will likely let you know if you are behind on feeding them, as well, with their Husky talk!

Huskies were bred to go long distances and eat little. As a breed, they learned how to sustain a certain amount of energy when there just wasn’t a lot of food available to them. A Husky’s metabolism is extremely high and small food intake can keep them going for miles… literally!

It might seem like your Husky isn’t eating enough, but it really could just be that they are full already.

It can often take a bit of trial and error to find a food that your Husky loves. Be patient and know this is okay. Buy smaller bags of food until you find one that works. (You can always donate the unused food your Husky didn’t like to a doggy shelter, just be sure to do so in a timely fashion so it doesn’t go bad or stale.)

Important things to know:

All Huskies are different. The most important thing to remember is that your Husky will not be like mine or anyone else’s. They are all similar, of course, but just because one Husky really loves dry chicken-flavored kibble doesn’t mean the next one will. That’d be like saying all humans love asparagus when we all probably know a lot of people who don’t!

Siberian Huskies can be very picky eaters. They are also incredibly smart which can make for an interesting feeding experience.

Once they get used to certain foods that they love, they fully expect you to continue providing those. Keep this in mind when you begin a feeding routine and know that you may really have to commit yourself to it. 

Huskies will eat until they are full, so don’t be afraid if your pup doesn’t eat his or her whole bowl. Do pay attention to how much your dog is eating and adjust portions accordingly. 

The only time to really worry about your dog not eating is if he or she is not eating at all, or has had a recent, drastic change in eating habits. If this happens with your Husky, we always recommend talking to your vet about it. 

However, Huskies sometimes get bored with their food and will not eat because of that reason. You may try mixing up your Husky’s food with a supplement, cooked veggies, cooked meats, or broth and see if she’ll eat it then. I have used chicken broth, beef broth, tuna, and salmon all in Sassy’s food to mix it up for her.

If we try to give Sassy a different flavor of wet food, most of the time she will not eat it. And she lets us know that we messed up.

When I switched Sassy off her puppy food as she became an adult (around one year), I switched her from puppy kibble to adult dog kibble. She started to have anal gland issues a few months after I switched her food. There is not a lot out there about treating anal gland issues with food versus having them emptied constantly or having surgery on your dog. 

I wrote an article about anal gland issues for when your dog has a stinky booty.

What Can Huskies NOT Eat?

There are certain foods that dogs just cannot eat. If you are ever unsure about something the best idea is do some research or to ask your vet’s office.

Here is a list of what Huskies absolutely cannot eat:

Grapes

Raisins

Peaches

Plums

Prunes

Cherries

Citrus fruits

Yeast dough

Raw eggs

Soda

Tea

Coffee

Avocado

Raw or undercooked meats

Fat trimmings or bones

Onions

Garlic

Macadamia nuts

Salt

Sweets

Sugar

Chocolate

Dairy in large amounts. (Small amounts are okay – Sass loves to share a string cheese with me!)

Can Huskies eat vegetables?

Yes, most of them! In fact, Sassy absolutely LOVES carrots, asparagus and brussel sprouts. 

Should I use supplements?

If your vet recommends certain supplements you should definitely consider it. We use a pumpkin supplement for Sassy because it aids in digestion and anal gland problems she had. Once we switched her food and added the pumpkin supplement, we no longer had to worry about her tummy or pay to have her anal glands emptied constantly (which is not healthy).

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