#she hold up the current system but hates it. holds it out of manipulation from a different character but also holds it bc of fear

[sorieba]

starlight thief

[muwapsturniolo]

✯𝐇𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐓𝐨 𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐎𝐧𝐞✯

IN WHICH...Chris gets caught up in the toxic cycle with his ex-lover, forgetting about his current lover.

WARNINGS...toxic!reader, drinking, smut, intoxicated sex, manipulation, gaslighting, cheating, slapping, creampies.

The house was filled to the brim, most likely breaking every violation there is regarding safety. Chris, Nick, and Matt were currently at Tara's housewarming party that was more of a rager, rather than a chill kickback like the girl claimed it would be. Chris's girlfriend Gaia was also with them, a quiet mousy girl who wasn't into the party scene. over a span of 7 months, the girl became pretty close with Chris's friends, hence why she was attending the party in the first place.

Chris was on edge, he had been since they arrived. It all started when Matt was driving on the highway to get to Tara's, and he saw a black car. Now the black car itself wasn't the issue, the issue was him swearing he saw his ex Y/n.

He couldn't figure out if it was real or if his eyes were playing tricks on him. He tried to ignore it, pushing the thought to the back of his head so he could enjoy his night without feeling sad, but that was proven difficult when he kept seeing her everywhere.

As the night progressed it only got worse.

At first, it was just seeing her briefly out the corner of his eye, then it escalated to hearing her laugh, and even smelling her signature cherry perfume. It was like she was messing with him, suffocating his mind with the thought of her.

He tried to blame it on the bright strobe lights, the liquor in his system, and the intoxicated air wafting through the house, but he was proven wrong when he finally made eye contact with her.

It knocked the air out of him, his eyes zeroing in like tunnel vision. It didn't help that some club version of Madison's 'Make You Mine' was currently blasting, aiding in the maneater energy Y/n naturally emitted. It was like he was in a movie, the way her glossed lips curled upward in a taunting smirk as she kept her eyes locked on his. He could feel his palms getting sweaty and his heart starting to race.

"Chris? You okay?" He was pulled out of Y/n's trance by the voice of his girlfriend. He shakes his head and looks down at Gaia, "Y-yeah I'm fine." He turns to look at Y/n only to see that she's gone.

"Ok, I just wanted to make sure you were ok. Do you think we could le-I'm going to go grab a drink." Chris cuts her off, not even listening to what she is saying and trying to comprehend the stare-down between him and Y/n.

He swiftly walks away from the girl, rubbing over his face in exhaustion. He stands over the drinks, trying to figure out which one would be his next victim.

just as he grabs the bottle of Don Julio, he feels a presence behind him.

"I wanna feel the rush, I wanna taste the crush, I wanna get you going, I wanna lay you down, I wanna string you out, I wanna make you mine"

The soft and buttery voice sends chills up Chris's spine, goosebumps forming all over his body. He whips around and comes face to face with Y/n.

"What do you want Y/n?" Chris questions, his voice full of malice and clear disdain. The girl tilts her head and pouts, placing her hand on his shoulder and using her nails to stroke his face. "Y/n? What happened to baby?" Chris scoffs and jerks his face away from her alluring touch.

"That name was revoked when you fucking cheated on me." He seethes. The girl rolls her eyes at his words, irritated that he's bringing up the past.

"I never cheated on you ch-Yes you did!" a few people turn and stare at the two, making Chris look down awkwardly, "sounds like you hate me- I do hate you- you're not the only one," she smirks. Chris scoffs at her nonchalant attitude.

"I can't fucking believe you! you're such a fucking bi- Do you talk about me as if I'm still yours?" Chris gets quiet as she cuts him off.

"Do you?"

"No..." She hums and grabs a solo cup and a bottle of tequila.

"When you hold her do you wish it was me? Do you wish you could have fixed what we were?" His silence is more than enough to confirm she has him right where she wants him.

"I do too you know..." Chris looks at her, an unsure look on his face. "I'm serious Chris, I wish we could have worked out. I know I wasn't the best girlfriend but I would have never cheated on you."

"But you did....I saw yo-I told you Chris, I wasn't flirting with Nate. He came on to me, not the other way around. I've always told you he was jealous of you. He always wanted to be you and have what you have. remember when you told me a girl you liked in high school ended up dating Nate when he knew you liked her?"

Chris opens his mouth but Y/n continues, "I would never do that to you Chris, I love you."

I love you.

Those three words, those three godforsaken words.

"Y/n I swear if this is some sick joke...." Chris states closing his eyes. Everything becomes too much for him, his senses becoming overstimulated.

Y/n moves closer, cupping his face gently. "Look at me Chris, please?"

He opens his eyes and it's like everything stops. Her Tom Ford perfume wafts through his nose, clearing his sinuses. Her hypnotic gaze blocked out the flashing lights, and her siren-like voice blocked out the music.

"I love you."

She watches as his eyes dilate, a clear sign that he believes her.

She leaned in as if she was going to kiss him, trying not to smile as he moved in as well. At the last minute, she quickly pulls away from him.

"Maybe we shouldn't..."

Chris feels as if he's going insane, losing every ounce of his mind.

"W-what? Why Y/n please I'm sorry! Don't leave?" He doesn't even know what he's saying sorry for but it seems right.

"I know you go home to another one Chris" She grabs her cup off the counter and goes to walk away but Chris stops her, pulling her close

"Forget her...I want you"

"You do?" Chris nods vigorously, keeping a firm grip on her as if he would lose her.

She smiles and whispers in his ear

"then show me"

It's amusing to Y/n how quick Chris pulls her through the crowd and up the stairs of Tara's new home. The two burst into a room their lips connecting in a sloppy and drunk kiss. Chris uses his foot to close the door as he picks Y/n up, his hands gripping the soft flesh of her ass.

He carries her over to the bed and collapses down on top of her. The two waste no time in tearing each other's close off, the need to feel each other after spending months apart being too much.

Chris is too drunk to even think about a condom, and Y/n doesn't even care. The closer she can get to Chris, the better.

He slips into her with ease, nuzzling his head into her neck as he lets out a low groan. His thrusts start off slow before he builds up a steady pace.

Y/n is laying there letting out soft whimpers every now and again, but for the most part, she's pissed.

"You forgot how to fuck me Chris?"

"W-what?" Chris asks, stopping his movements. Y/n rolls her eyes in annoyance, "You start dating her and forgot how to fuck, it's embarrassing truly." She pushes him away and stands up, moving to grab her clothes.

Chris sits on the bed confused, his mind hazy due to the liquor in his system. "I-I didn't forget how to fuck I-" he feels tears forming in his eyes due to embarrassment.

"You what? That soft sex that won't get a girl off may satisfy her, but it won't work for me Chris. She ruined you! She has you acting like a little bitch!" Y/n seethes as she gets in his face. Chris flinches and tries to defend himself, "I'm not a bitch..."

"You are and it's sad. You're fucking me like a little bitch and it's pathetic. Maybe I'll hit up Nate and see if he can fuck me the right way." She smirks seeing Chris's bright blue eyes darken. He yanks her down onto the bed, shoving her on her back as he wraps a hand around her throat.

He throws har legs over his shoulder and thrusts into her harshly, "I'm not a fucking bitch!" He grunts.

Y/n eyes roll back in pleasure, her back arching as Chris plows into her at an aggressive pace. The whole bedframe is shaking and slamming against the wall.

"Who's pussy is this?" Chris grunts, his chain dangling over her face.

"Nate's" she taunts through her moans.

Her head whips to the side before he grips her jaw and forces her to look at him, "Stop fucking playing with me baby, whos pussy in this?"

"Y-yours! Oh fuck Chris!" She yelps as he hits a particular spot inside of her that has her seeing stars.

Out the corner of her eye, she sees the doorknob turn before the door cracks open. She smirks when she meets the eyes of Gaia.

Chris is too busy chasing his high, he doesn't even notice the teary-eyed girl in the doorway. " All mine, this pussy is all mine," he groans as he looks down where their bodies meet. With her eyes still on Gaia, Y/n moans loudly, repeating Chris's words in such an erotic way, Gaia can only flinch.

"That's right ma, fuck- I love you so much." Y/n grins in a deranged way and yanks Chris down by his chain, connecting their lips in a sloppy kiss, teeth clashing and all. She looks back towards the door and catches Gaia quickly walking away.

It's not long before they both finish, Y/n's nails digging into Chris's back and drawing blood as he stalls deep inside her, filling her up to the brim with his cum.

He pulls out of her and collapses onto the bed, panting heavily.

They lay in silence, the only sound being the muffled base of "Loyalty" by Kendrick.

"Were you telling the truth?" Chris voices softly. Y/n turns on her side, gazing at him softly.

"About?"

"About everything.... Was Nate really lying? Do you really love me?"

She pulls him into a passionate kiss before pulling back with a smile gracing her face.

"Of course I was lying."

Chris's heart drops at her words, "W-what?"

She chuckles and sits up, throwing her clothes back on with ease. "I was lying Chris, I didn't mean anything I said." Chris watches her fix her dress with a broken heart.

Just before she gets ready to leave the room he asks her one last question, "Why?"

"Because I haven't had a good fuck in a while and you're easy to mess with. plus-" She prances back over to him and plants a kiss to his cheek.

"It's fun."

She walks back over to the door and gives him one last look, " By the way, Gaia saw us."

chris feels like throwing up at her words. He stands up quickly and throws his clothes on, praying to whatever god that's out there Gaia didn't leave the party.

Chris stumbles out of the room and down the stairs, his eyes erratically scanning the party participants. His eyes finally land on Nick comforting a crying Gaia. He quickly makes his way over and announces his presence.

"Gaia ple-" his head whips to the side as Gaia smacks him, "Fuck you! I do nothing but love you and force myself out of my comfort zone for you and you go an fuck her?!" Chris looks at her with tears forming in his eyes.

"Gaia, please! It didn't mean anything! I'm drunk!"

"That's your excuse Chris? That you were drunk?"

Y/n smirks as she comes from behind Chris. Chris tenses as Gaia glares at the girl, "fuck you too! You're nothing but a whore!"

"How am I the whore when I told him we shouldn't do what we did because he's going home to you? He's the one still in love with me. I tried to stop it but he begged me."

Chris goes to object but she's right.

Granted Y/n approached him first, but she flipped the cards and Chris was the one who ended up dealing them.

That was her game.

"C-Chris?'' Gaia's voice cracks as she questions Chris, hoping that Y/n is lying, hoping that the girl seduced him instead of Chris willingly cheating.

"I-is she telling the truth? D-did she try to stop?"

"S-she's telling the truth...." He admits softly. Gaia's bottom lip wobbles before she takes off through the crowd, leaving Chris with a heavy heart.

Y/n chuckles and takes a sip of her drink,

"loyalty loyalty loyalty, 10-4 no switching sides feel something wrong...." Y/n sings as she walks away from the three boys.

"You really fucked up Chris..."

"I know...." Chris mumbles as he goes to grab another drink, wanting to drown his sorrows.

purrr what do we think? can't lie i lowkey forgot how to write so sorry if this is confusing or just straight-ass.

𝐒𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐨 𝐓𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 🍑: @mattslolita @thenickgirl @guccifrog @luverboychris @zayyluvz @mrsmiagreer @chrisssluttywaist @78yaz @hoesformatt @freshloveforthefit @3lizaluvs @mattsturniolosgirlfriend @jetaimevous @luxy-nyx @ts-is-my-spirt-animal @iihrtsturniol0 @idontexistman @katw4shereee @madisturn @starlace111 @zivall @adoreindie @imwetforyourmom @sturnsxplr-25 @sturncakez @theyluvme-2315 @moonk1ss3d

[allycat75]

Ok, I want to get real with you Boston Dumb Fuck.

I have been holding onto this post for a bit and the thought behind it has been haunting me for months.

While I am constantly amazed at your lack of moral fiber, when I see a fellow human in trouble I can't turn away. You look like you have just enough energy to literally put one foot in front of the other, play your part and slip into unconsciousness for the rest of the day. I have seen it before and it doesn't end well. It's a living purgatory.

But I also don't like being manipulated or being made to look stupid or crazy, so I will continue to call out your bullshit and how it is emblematic of everything that is wrong in our society. I also don't think many have called you out on your bullshit before so I am happy to provide that service. As much as I desire this to be my last rant to you, I am not naive enough to think that will happen anytime soon. The Red Knight has you tight in its grip (Side note: "The Fisher King" is a great movie to watch or re-watch. It may resonate right now).

I do wish I knew that you understood how fucked up you are and have at least a semblance of a plan of how you are going to make it right once you are free. I think the reaction from your (former) fans and even the general public was a shock to your system and you have so far to go to just come up to sea level again. If past is prologue, I fear you will just coast on your White Male Privlege and never learn the valuable lessons of this disaster. But ultimately, I am probably screaming into a void. At least I have put it out into the universe...

Early on, I compared your work in "Ghosted" to a Matthew Perry performance.

Before I continue, let me say I loved Matthew Perry and I can't believe he is gone. I always felt he had so much potential, as seen in "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" and "Go On", but there was always a barrier I sensed he put up, almost like it was a performance within a performance. What he thought we wanted him to be. Now, as we know, there was a mountain of insecurity he was hiding and numbing that haunted him to the end. How I wish he could have freed himself and enjoyed some true wins.

Now, I can't help but draw some additional mournful parallels to you and your current state, beyond your "Ghosted" performance within a performance.

We know you hate yourself (you were not joking during the SMA interview). You took your hand off the wheel and eyes off the road, relying only on your Captain America/internet boyfriend/dog dad persona, and wound up trapped in a blind alley. Now you are locked in this ridiculous contract.

To numb what you have become, you have disappeared into weed, at the very least. But escaping using weed is only healthy when you know what you are escaping from. When you have no tether, you are only sucked into a void where you risk not being able to return. You may say "it's just weed", but we have seen you make bad decision after bad decision and it only takes one to be life altering.

This may be hyperbolic. You may be in control of all of this and laughing at our reaction. Maybe you have mastered The Method and apply goth white makeup before you go out, have changed your diet to be sickly thin and hunch over on purpose, for your craft. But my daddy didn't raise a fool and I don't suffer them. I know when something is rotten in Denmark. I was raised to offer a hand when I could, regardless the reason or reward. So my offer is this (much of this is repeated from previous posts, but repetition is key to learning):

STOP! STOP! STOP! Your contractual obligations should be met by now. The little racist twat got press on her project release dates. That is all she deserves. If not, you need a doctor's note saying this is killing you, because it appears it is. And switching from awkwardly showing off that fucking ring or oafishly grabbing the wifey's hand in order to meet that contractual obligation to lovable, single dog dad so as to reinforce your dog food is Nazi-free has got to be dizzying; making the crazy-maker crazy. So whomever thought this was a good idea and kept you in it long after the effects were detrimental, remove them from your circle. They have no place in a healthy future.

Get help to change the behaviors that got you painted into this corner. This situation didn't come out of nowhere. Someone or many someones exploited your vulnerabilities and they could do it again if you aren't careful. And no more shushing or egoic narrative- either that is complete bullshit or no one taught you the next part of the curriculum. For once in your life, take accountability and accept responsibility for your actions.

Take the time to become healthy and strong in mind, body and spirit. And let those who still have a chance of liking you in the future miss you. You even admitted you don't make the best first impression. Lately you haven’t been making the best second, third or fourth either. Even Scarlett seems to be getting tired of you. One or two more stunts and no one is coming back. We may be talking about you, but a short term gain will mean a long term loss. Don't worry, we will remember you, and if you do the work, we will celebrate you.

Take an active role in rebuilding your life. Decide what to be and go be it. Others shouldn't care more about your happiness and success than you do. Enjoy some wins, you are allowed. Get back into the world again and see where you can make an impact (hint- it is not with ASP. I actually think that could set us all back. A good idea whose time has passed).

You were given privlege and opportunity and it is chicken shit you ran as soon as it got a little hard. Fight for your life. Others have lost their chance but you are still here and can make it chicken salad.

PS- "Cousins" is a great movie if you are wondering about the chicken shit/chicken salad line. And don't let anyone tell you the French version is better. They are just being pretentious.

[ramshacklefey]

As sympathetic as many of the characters in the League of Villains are, I'm frustrated by the number of people who seem to view them as a righteous group of plucky underdogs. This isn't about people who just think a character is hot and make horny art of them. It's about sincerely trying to argue that we should be rooting for them because they have some genuinely good points about flaws in their society.

Thing is, these characters do reveal serious flaws in their society. Shigaraki was able to be adopted and manipulated by AFO because everyone assumed that a lost child was someone else's problem. Touya was abused and pushed to a mental breaking point as a child because of Enji's relentless pursuit for a power that would make himself feel better. Toga was ostracized and treated as a freak because her quirk is deeply alarming to people. Jin fell into homelessness and despair because his boss fired him for something that was an accident. Spinner grew up smothered by anti-heteromorph prejudice. We don't get a lot of details about Magne's backstory, but knowing she was trans, we can guess at a lot. The members of the League are all deeply damaged, traumatized people who have, in various ways, been let down by society.

It's easy to sympathize with them because we can all see how, in that position, what they decide to do might seem like it made sense. It's easy to sympathize with them because the problems they face (neglect, abuse, and bigotry) are all things that affect our own society. There's a sense of justice in wanting to tear down a system that's caused you to suffer that much.

But however much we can sympathize with their pain, we shouldn't forget the choices they've made or the actions they've taken. And we shouldn't ignore the fact that their choices and actions are moving them further from the things they really want.

Shigaraki isn't trying to reform society. He doesn't want to tear the current system down so that he can build something better. He wants to tear things down for the sheer sake of destroying them and taking out his rage and pain on everyone else.

Jin's death hits hard because the reason he ends up dying is that he won't give up on his friends. Hawks sees Jin's loyalty and kindness to his friends and realizes that he has a good heart deep down. But Jin's final act is to brutally murder a hero for trying to apprehend Toga and Compress. Their lives weren't in danger.

Touya wants revenge on his father. Understandable, but one of the first things we learn about him is that he's responsible for several random murders. We see him kill a band of petty thieves simply because he decides they aren't powerful enough to be useful to the League. Those murders have nothing to do with his relationship with his father (well. Everything he does has to do with his relationship to his father, but you take my point). And his desire is specifically for vengeance. It isn't enough for him that Enji's crimes and cruelty be exposed. He's not just trying to say, "This man is not the person you think he is, and you shouldn't hold him up as an ideal figure." He wants Enji to suffer. He wants to inflict as much pain as he can.

Toga just murders people because she likes them. Her idea of loving someone is to literally consume them.

And their end goal isn't a better world. It's chaos and anarchy. They want to destabilize society and then provide the arms and ideology that would turn it into a libertarian dystopia. Thing is, that wouldn't actually get them what they want or need.

Take Spinner for instance. We know that in the chaotic times just after quirks appeared, heteromorphs faced intense and dangerous discrimination and hate everywhere. While it's true that heteromorphs still face discrimination and even violence, especially in rural areas, we've also seen that knocking out the social order only makes that worse (think of the woman who Deku saves. She couldn't get into any shelters because she's a heteromorph, even though she was in the middle of the city).

Touya is certainly getting his vengeance on his father, but it isn't getting him what he actually wanted which is acknowledgement from Enji that he is good enough. Having Shoto fight him instead of Enji is one of the worst outcomes he could have gotten, because it is still a refusal to acknowledge him in Touya's eyes (Strictly speaking, it was actually an acknowledgement of the fact that he is probably stronger than Enji, but Touya clearly doesn't see it that way).

Toga, I think, really wants acceptance for who she really is. Her quirk frightens people, and it seems inherently villainous. But the actions she's taking only make her more terrifying to others, and I think she's also mistaken to think that her violent and murderous actions are an expression of her "true self."

And Shigaraki... well he's probably the most difficult case. All he wanted at the beginning of the story was destruction. But it's hard to get a read on him in any accurate way because of the extent to which he's been molded and manipulated by AFO into his current state. I think we can get more insight into him by looking at what desires and motivations AFO played on. As a small child, Shigaraki was angry (and rightly so) about the way his family treated him, and then at the way the rest of the world ignored him. AFO fanned his anger and resentment and actively twisted his experiences until now he can't escape the idea that there's nothing good in the world at all. But we also know that he's wrong about that. The only hope for him at this point is that Deku can show him that he's wrong.

The hurt and anger that the members of the League live with are real and valid. They've each experienced things that would turn most people bitter and angry. Those things make them deeply human and sympathetic. But it's possible to sympathize or even empathize with someone's pain without giving them a free pass to become violent murderers and terrorists.

One of the most important themes in the story is that people aren't defined by the things that happened to them in the past, but by the choices they've made in response. The League serves as a vital foil to the main characters because they've made opposite choices at nearly every turn. Trying to wave those choices away and make these characters out to be basically good people whose actions are justified by their situations (as opposed to being explained by their situations) destroys that theme.

[petertingle-yipyip]

MAD AT GOD - MATT MURDOCK

Season Three - All Around Me

tags: @americaarse @ironprincessstranger @johnmurphys-sass @dusstory @astrobees @mayasaurus--rex @woowwwee // one // three // masterlist

Pairing: Matt x Reader (Unlabelled), Dex x Reader (Casual)

Word Count: 9,683

Summary: Looped back in, Y/N has to make sure she holds on to what is starting to matter again. With rumors swirling of a copycat Mask, that grip gets desperately tighter.

The next day, you and Ray were right back at the prison despite your complaints. You two were led through the halls until one of the more tucked away cells, meeting with a recently stabbed Wilson Fisk.

Too bad they didn’t kill him.

You stood by the door with hands on your hips, your thumb brushing the handle of the knife towards the back of your belt that was perfectly hidden under your jacket while he talked to Ray. You tuned in and out of the conversation until Fisk’s fake concern for his life caught your attention like the ring of a bell.

You moved suddenly, slamming your knee against his chest and forcing him back until he laid against the bed. You were quick to flick your hand and keep Ray calm, rather uninterested in your action, as your other hand found the superficial stab wound Fisk was so concerned about. You pressed your knuckle into it as you spoke.

“Nothing would make me happier than for you to die right here.” You spoke lowly, pressing your weight further and your knuckle deeper. “I could kill you, right here, and no one would bat an eye.”

“You’d lose- lose everything.” He coughed in a panic and you smiled.

“Who do you see coming to your rescue?”

“You and I- We need each other. You need your secret protected.”

In a swift movement, you pulled your knife and shoved it into his original wound but you felt the tension as your blade sunk in from a new angle. He let out a loud cry and reached for your wrist but you twisted the knife, feeling the building pressure of blood that would spill once you removed the blade while the other hand was up to halt every emotion within a small range of the hallway.

“I don’t need you for anything.” You said sharply. “You will owe your life to me.”

You yanked the knife out, wiping it against his clothes, before you tucked it away and took your place beside Ray. You dropped your hand and your control before folding both hands neatly behind your back and under your jacket to keep the blade out of sight. Their conversation finished quickly and you headed back to the bureau, where you were almost instantly pushed into a meeting with your SAC, DA Tower and an officer you didn’t know. They argued about whether or not Fisk should be removed from the prison and every word made your stomach twist into knots.

By threatening to reveal your past, it wasn’t hard to figure that he was playing the FBI. He was going to manipulate the system, just like before to avoid jail and when he got Frank out. But at least the Frank thing was helpful to you.

It was beyond clear to you that he was willing to get anyone out of his way so his rise to power would be seamless, meaning he wasn’t cooperating with the FBI. He wasn’t trying to make New York safer or turn over a new leaf. He wanted competition out of the way and the FBI was the perfect opportunity to do it. It was easily a show of dominance, to flaunt that the federal government was in his pocket. With that, no group in New York would challenge him.

No group in New York, maybe. But a lone woman with nothing left to lose…

“What about you, Agent Y/L/N?” Tower asked you. “You’ve been rather quiet, given your current involvement. I’d love to hear your opinion.”

“Can I speak frankly?” You asked and he nodded, though the glare from your SAC was practically burning a hole in the side of your head. “I absolutely hate him. I helped put him away for a reason and I’d rather shoot myself right here than see that man walk out of that prison. I’ll admit he gave the lead on the Albanians, but I don’t trust anything out of that man’s mouth. He’s a crook and a liar and a killer. If you ask me, let the prisoners kill him.”

“I am curious, why did you work so hard to defend Frank Castle then?”

“They’re not the same and you know that.”

“No, but Castle was a murderer. His cri-“

“Do we really want to talk about Frank Castle’s story? Let’s not speak ill of the dead.” Your brows raised in accusation but Tower conceded with a nod.

“By letting Fisk out of prison, even if it’s federally monitored house arrest, all that does is bring him that much closer to the toys and the games that were taken away.” You explained simply. “You’re bringing a bully back to the playground and he’s not gonna stop pushing others in the sandbox.”

Regardless of what you had to say, it was decided that Fisk would be moved. Hattley asked you when Dex got back and since he had gotten ahold of you that morning, she told you to call him in to get him caught up. You and Dex were going to lead the SWAT unit that was going to oversee the transport. You complained to Dex the whole time you were fitting your equipment into place and all he could do was laugh, given you couldn’t tell him the entirety of your history with Fisk.

Matt would’ve understood.

You were more than annoyed as you and Dex sat in the lead car.

“You’re still gonna pout about it?” He chuckled slightly. “Listen, I don’t like it either, Y/N/N.”

You frowned slightly at the nickname, though it was different from what your other friends would call you.

“But we gotta do our jobs, right?”

You made a small noise of agreement rather than arguing as your phone rang. You didn’t feel like digging through your pockets for it so you just tapped your implant.

“Hey, were you able to come by tonight?” Foggy’s voice rang in your head. “Karen came and went already.”

“Where? Come by for what?” You said quickly, turning away from Dex so it looked like your hand was holding the phone to your ear.

“The deli.. Remember, last time I came by, I told you about my family thing and how Mom and Dad and Theo wanted to finally meet you.”

“Honestly, I thought it was an empty invite.” You laughed nervously. “I’ve been kinda shitty to be around.”

“Yeah, but I’m not gonna give up on our friendship. When have I ever given up?”

“Does Nelson and Murdock count?”

“Low blow, Y/L/N.” He laughed slightly.

“I’m actually stuck at work on this transport but if you have time tomorrow night, maybe we can get together.”

“Okay. Yeah, that works… I need to talk to you about something important, too.”

“Cool. See you tom-“ A sudden explosion behind you drew your attention as Dex slammed the brakes. “Gotta go.”

“You got my six?” Dex asked as he hopped out the car.

“Don’t I always?”

“Wasn’t sure if you were too busy socializing.”

“If you weren’t such an ass, maybe you would be too.”

You flipped your implant to your work frequency and hurried out, following behind Dex.

As you two got closer, you saw more and more of your team going down. You heard the faint shouts in Albanian and you were tempted to fake a gun jam, allowing them to take out Fisk. But you kept going as Dex did, remembering it was still your job and it’d be more satisfying if you used your own bullet to kill him.

You and Dex cleared the scene easily, alternating between you and him taking the shots. What always impressed you about working with Dex was his ability to shoot through things or use ricochets. He tried teaching you some of it, but those sessions usually ended with one of you in the other’s beds.

Two came out from behind the car and claimed to surrender as you and Dex approached. They were scared of you and your partner, but you felt the determination of two men sneaking up behind you. You stepped around Dex as he fired, allowing you to take quick shots at the other two.

Fisk climbed out of the car but you both had your guns drawn. You stepped to him and kicked at his chest, slamming him back against the SUV. You pressed your gun against his forehead and the bitter taste settled on your tongue, the yellow fog radiating off him. You groaned loudly as you heard the sirens nearing, deciding it wouldn’t work out for you to kill him now. Not with your issued gun at least. Instead, you slammed the gun against his temple and watched him fall limp.

You tucked your weapon and went back to Dex’s side, following him back to your SUV once Ray and his crew got there to collect Fisk. You stayed a moment to show Ray which agents were still alive but hurried off before he could ask too many questions

“You weren’t gonna stop me..” You spoke simply as he drove quickly.

“You wanted me to?” He glanced at you with a small smirk.

“Guess I just kinda expected it.” You shrugged, knowing that Matt would’ve.

Not everything is about Matt. He’s dead. Let it go.

“You know what you’re doing, Y/N. I trust you.”

“Why?” But you already knew it was your own game you’d been playing since the moment you met him.

“Don’t know.” He said honestly. “Just going with my gut, maybe.”

You hummed in response and the conversation died after that. You two checked the entirety of the lobby before the convoy arrived with Fisk.

“You guys have a status on anyone?” Ray asked after Dex gave a brief rundown of what happened.

“Two going into surgery. Five dead, all for this pathetic son of a bitch.” You answered, having listened in on the ambulance chatter on your way over.

“Donovan!” Fisk called eagerly.

“Stay back.” Dex announced simply.

“We’re his attorneys!” The vaguely familiar man reasoned.

“Congratulations. Stay back or I’ll charge you with obstruction.” You repeated firmly, pushing past to get him to the elevator.

The ride up was quiet but Ray was quick to pull you and Dex aside.

“Check in with the SAC. Both of you.” He said pointedly.

“You’re joking.” You tried to push past him but he pulled you back.

“We just lost five agents. The debrief can wait.” Dex added.

“You know the deal. Take her with you, follow protocol, and get back here ASAP.”

Dex said nothing but grabbed your arm. You followed his lead without protest, though your skin was warming under your gear.

The next morning, your phone was ringing nonstop. First Karen, then Foggy. Then Foggy again. Then Foggy again. Then Karen, Foggy, Karen, Karen. You ignored all of their calls and messages, sitting in the media room with Dex and another agent. They talked about the agents that were in surgery last night, and the apathy from Dex was an uncomfortable emptiness. You tapped your implant after Fisk’s lawyers asked to turn the cameras off.

You sat in your chair with your arms crossed, leaning back with eyes closed as you listened in. Fisk yelled about Vanessa, how her being in Europe was dangerous because Exodus has people across the country that could get to her. You chuckled to yourself when you found out Marc’s rumor of her heading to Barcelona was right, and it didn’t sound like Fisk’s people knew she was being watched. You’d have to thank him for helping with that. Maybe pay a visit to London in the near future.

The other agent left for a bathroom break, which caused Dex to turn to you. You felt him turn your chair towards him so you lifted your head and opened your eyes, only to see him giving you a small smile.

“Yes, Agent Poindexter?” You asked with raised brows.

“You alright?” He asked, which made your brows furrow in confusion. It wasn’t like Dex to check in on people like that and the words felt strange to hear. “Been pretty quiet today..”

“Mhmm, just a long night.” You answered carefully. “You?”

“Yeah.. We gotta go down and cover couple of the guys’ for lunch. We get out at a decent time tonight, wanna get drinks?”

“Can’t. Cashing in a rain check with a friend from college tonight. Maybe tomorrow?”

You two waited until the other agent came back before heading down and switching shifts at the elevator. Disappointed in the lunch options, you were searching for the number to one of the bodegas in your neighborhood to call in a better sandwich when your phone was ringing from Karen again. A guy was coming up to the elevator so you gestured for Dex to deal with him as you stepped aside to take the call.

“By the way you two are blowing up my phone, I’m guessing you’ve heard.” You said simply, though her anger was easy to feel through the phone.

“And what? You just weren’t gonna tell us?” She asked angrily.

“I’m sorry. Let me just risk my career and give out confidential information on a high-risk target to two very public local figures.”

“You’re supposed to be our friend first, Y/N!”

“And are you calling me as my friend or as a reporter? Because I know you came poking around the hotel with those protestors this morning.” You countered. “I couldn’t tell either of you without risking my job and I didn’t even know until it happened. I’m trying to take this seriously but I can’t do that if you are gonna be breathing down my neck..”

“How did he get out?”

“No comment.”

“And you didn’t try to stop it?”

“Wasn’t up to me.”

“Don’t give me that shit, Y/N. You easily could’ve stopped this.”

“Nobody wants me to interfere with things unless it’s their idea and I’m sick of it! I’m sorry that you had to find out however you did but I won’t apologize for doing my job.” You glanced around at Dex and you noticed the man he was dealing with was oddly familiar, despite the downward tilt of his head and shadow from his hat covering his face. “Look, unless you have something else to talk to me about, I have to go.”

“No, you don’t get to do that.”

“People died, Karen. Good agents that just wanted to do their jobs. Now those people are dead and that bastard is this much closer to my neighborhood. I have more important things to worry about than your hurt feelings.”

“Y/N!”

You shoved your phone away and moved back beside Dex. You grabbed his wrist and pulled his hand off his gun, earning a small glare from him. You turned back as the man left without a word and you couldn’t piece it together. His frame was hidden by a bulky coat and the hat shadowed his face. He said nothing so you couldn’t place a voice and any emotions from him weren’t any help, only a slight panic that he’d been caught haphazardly covering up some sort of longing.

“Who was that?” You asked as you watched the figure disappear around the corner.

“Some homeless guy trynna bag a free room probably.” He shrugged. “Who cares?”

“Oh.. That why you were gonna shoot him?”

“If he came any closer, yeah.”

You sighed loudly and offered a pointed look, to which he raised his eyebrows expectantly. You rolled your eyes and decided not to bring it up again. Your disappointing lunch was quiet, you choosing not to talk much even though you had the company of your partner. It was obvious - even to Dex - that you were annoyed so you kept to your own tasks for the most part and he let you. Until the night part of your shift, when you and Dex were stuck with dinner supervising.

“It’s Special Agent Poindexter, isn’t it?” Fisk tried, though he got no response from Dex and chose to ignore your warning glare. “You saved my life last night.”

“Yeah, we all make mistakes.” He answered coldly, and you cracked a small smile. He turned to you and gave the same expression, seemingly relieved that you weren’t completely shutting him out.

“I’m sorry for the loss of your fellow agents.. Losing them to protect someone like me must be particularly difficult for the families and their loved ones.. I’d offer my condolences but I imagine it brings them greater comfort to hate me.”

“Don’t we all.” You mumbled and rolled your eyes.

“Unless you feel otherwise.” He tried looking at Dex. “That my words might bring any positive effect.”

“Ignore him.” You warned your partner.

“If so, please share that, from what I witnessed, they were incredibly brave.”

“Might wanna eat faster, convict. Meal’s over in five.” Dex said instead.

“I owe those fallen agents a debt that I can never repay.” Fisk continued.

“Ты, должно быть, шутишь.” You groaned and pushed off the wall. “I swear to God, one more sentence. One more.” (You’ve got to be kidding me.)

“I also owe the two of you.” Fisk continued.

You sighed to yourself and made a move to cross the room, but Dex reached out and caught your arm. You offered him a sharp glare but he didn’t let go.

“You can’t be serious.” You said quietly. “He’s baiting you.”

“Just let him talk.” Dex replied in the same hushed tone. “He’s just trynna get a reaction out of us.”

“I’ve never seen talent or synchronicity quite like you two… May I ask where you two acquired your skills?” Fisk pressed.

“Quantico, same as every other FBI agent.” You spoke flatly, refusing to back down from Dex’s stare.

“I believe there is more to it, Agent Y/L/N.”

You yanked your arm free from your partner’s hold, giving a slight shove to his chest before you crossed the room. You put a hand under Fisk’s tray and flipped it, smearing his dinner across the table. You pulled the plate and bit down your laugh as you walked away with Dex right behind you. You dropped the tray off and did your last few tasks before having to head over for your joint meeting with the psychologist. But as you waited in the hall with Dex, you had to make a point.

“Why did you want to listen to him?” You asked with a slight accusation in your words.

“I didn’t.”

“You did. And for a second, it almost looked like you were listening.”

“Why are you so pissed about it anyway?”

“Because he was baiting you! He was getting in your head and you let him!”

He scoffed in disbelief. “C’mon, Y/L/N.”

“I’m not an idiot, Dex. And you’re not that hard to read.”

“If he got into anyone’s head, it was yours.”

“I knew what was happening. I’ve dealt with him before so I know exactly what he was trying to do.”

“Yeah? What was it then?”

“You impressed him during the ambush. Now, he wants you on his side that way if something happens again, he knows he’ll be fine. He knows the only people that can beat him right now are you and me, since vigilantes in this town can’t get close with the FBI around. And if he gets you to side with him, that just leaves me…”

“You?” He laughed and you ground your teeth at his mocking tone.

“Yes, me. I know how you fight, Dex. I know exactly how to beat you.”

“So that’s why you wanted to be partners?” He tried to joke but you glared at him. He turned to face you with an unbothered grin. “So you could kick my ass?”

“I’m being serious.”

“I know.” He nodded with the same stupid grin, which got him smacked in the arm. “Ah! Okay! Okay, listen..” He put his hands on either of your arms. “Nothing is gonna happen cause I have you as my own personal pain in the ass to make sure. Does that make you feel better?”

“No, because you’re being condescending.”

“I’m not.” He laughed and you smacked him again.

“You’re new and exciting to him, like a new toy, and now he knows you’re dangerous. Those are the same reasons he tried to convince me a while back.”

“I’m sorry. What?”

“I didn’t go for it.” You shrugged.

“Why didn’t you tell me that before?”

“There’s a lot to my past you don’t know that I’m not obligated to tell you.. Just trust me when I tell you that you don’t wanna get lumped into his bullshit.”

“I got it, Y/N. Alright? You don’t gotta worry about me.”

You hummed in acknowledgment as the door opened and you were ushered in, him calling both of you in at the same time. You sat in silence for the most part, waiting until the doctor addressed you specifically. Instead, something Dex said caught your attention.

“Respectfully, if I were wearing a mask, the press would be calling me a hero.” He said angrily and you shifted in your seat, the scars of your mask around your eyes now burning with the thought and your jaw clenched. “Instead, I’m sitting in here with you trying to justify protecting myself and my partner.”

“Y/L/N.” The doctor said and your attention lifted. “Anything to add, y’know as the partner in question?”

“They faked a surrender. We gave them a chance and they faked it.” You shrugged, hoping no one would address your reaction to Dex’s comment about the masks. “They had two coming from behind that would’ve killed us both. We were protecting ourselves. I don’t care to be a hero and I don’t care to be liked. But I’m damn sure not going to sit here and be judged for doing what I was supposed to do.”

“I’m not your enemy. I just…” He sighed and glanced between you both. “Alright, let’s cut the psych bullshit since neither of you wanna respond to it. Just tell me for real. How are you?”

“It’s hard.. It’s really hard.” Dex answered and you almost laughed at the apathy of the rehearsed answer.

“I’m alright.” You said with a small shrug.

“This is the first time you’ve been noted using lethal force, Y/L/N.” He stared at you and you almost laughed. “And the first time you’ve had to fire your weapon on duty since your rehab.”

“I’m FBI SWAT.” You answered plainly, as if it should be obvious. “Before this, private security. Before that-“

“Before that, a lawyer. A paralegal and disabilities assistant.”

“Point is, I’ve fired a gun before. It doesn’t bother me to shoot.” Your hand absentmindedly landed on the wrist brace and you had to quickly pull yourself from those memories.

“Events like this tend to exact a toll. Repeating traumatic experiences compounds that toll creating a pressure.”

“Until one day we go postal? Yeah, we get it.” Dex cut in. You gave a small head tilt in agreement, thinking of the times your vision was coated red. Maybe you did need more than just Curtis’ support group.

“The point is you need to process this stuff.”

“I process it.”

“You have a support system?”

“Other than her?” Dex patted your leg and you kicked lighty at his shin. “Yeah, but I think she’d rather be called Julie.”

“How does that work? Tell me about her.”

“She’s a bartender, professional listener too. We get dinner most nights. Today’s Tuesday, so pizza night.” He smiled slightly, though you were mildly confused. He’s always had a soft spot for Julie, but as far as you knew, they didn’t really talk. “Julie gets broccoli and sausage, extra cheese. I tell her about my day, the good and the bad. I know it’s not healthy to hold this stuff in so I talk to her.. I tell her everything, and she doesn’t judge me or blame me.”

You noticed how carefully he told the story. He never said Julie did anything in return. She didn’t listen when he talked. She didn’t tell him about her day. You wondered why he would lie.

“Sounds like a good one.”

“Yeah, she is.”

“And you, Y/N? Can I call you Y/N?”

“I have a church.” You answered carefully, still trying to figure out why Dex was making up his relationship with Julie. “The pastor and one of the nuns there, they just sit with me most mornings and we talk. About my life and what I’ve lost. What I’ve gained. Who I’ve become.”

“And religion, it helps with everything?”

“No, not religion.” You laughed slightly. “The people help. The church itself was where a friend of mine used to go before he left. It’s just a special place, I guess. Safe.”

“Alright..” The doctor nodded slightly. “You’re both clear for duty but I want check-ins for a while, every other day.”

You were headed out when Dex matched your stride.

“Want a ride?”

“No, I’ll walk. Thanks.”

He sighed and grabbed your arm, turning you so you’d stop and face him.

“What are you mad about now?” He asked with a sigh.

“I’m not mad about it, dumbass. I’m just thinking about why you lied about Julie.”

“What does she have to do with anything?” He asked tightly and you watched his jaw clench.

“We both know what your relationship with her really is. Claiming to have dinner with her most nights when you’re also sleeping with me most nights is gonna get us both caught up.”

“Right… So I should’ve said that I bang my partner a couple nights a week?”

“God, you’re an idiot.” You groaned and shook your head.

He took a deep breath and crossed his arms. Before he could answer, you heard the call for backup to the parking garage from your implant. You shoved past him and hurried down the stairs, pushing through the stairwell door just in time to catch the man beating on one of the agents who was clearly no longer a threat.

You hurried over and got behind him, hooking your arm around his neck. You dropped to your back and pulled him with you as you turned to push him facedown. You pinned a knee between his shoulder blades and planted the other foot by his head, which you immediately realized was a mistake when he yanked you by your ankle. Once you fell off, he was quick to roll to his back so he could kick out at your chest.

You threw your hips up as your back hit the concrete so you rolled all the way through before running at him again. You used the closest car as a jumping off point - setting off the alarm in the process - and slammed a knee into his chest and forced him back against the nearest pillar. The sight of the familiar black mask called a red haze of rage to cross your vision.

Copycat or not, Matt Murdock or otherwise, didn’t make a difference. You took the chance and funneled all your recent rage into your offense.

You threw hard punches at his face, alternating sides and seeing some make his head bounce off the concrete behind him. Some of your shots went off course and your knuckles hit the pillar instead. When you felt his hands grip your sides, you balled your hands into the front of his shirt as he turned and roughly slammed you into the nearest car. Your head bounced off the roof and the windows splintered behind you before he tackled you to the ground.

Your fingers reached for the mask, some part of you desperate to know the truth. To know for sure if that was Matt Murdock you were up against and extinguish that little flicker of hope in your chest, once and for all. He batted your hands away each time so the next time his hand hit yours, you were quick to grab his wrist and twist outward. You planted your feet and pushed off to flip you two over, spinning your body to flatten a knee against his throat. You reached behind you but your shirt was tucked too tight to reach the shock discs you had stored at the bottom of the vest you wore underneath. Your moment of hesitation allowed for him to get both hands under your knee and shove you away.

By the time you had your bearings back, which was only a few seconds, he was gone.

“Клянусь Богом, если это ты, Мэтт, я сам тебя убью..” You sighed, examining your knuckles and noting the blood splatters across the pillar. (I swear to God, if that’s you Matt, I will kill you myself.)

You moved to it and rubbed your sleeve against it, smearing it off and staining your arm. You glanced around and picked up a shard from the shattered window before you yanked it across the bloodstain on your sleeve, slicing the material and your arm to explain the stain. You pressed your arm against the wall and once your own blood covered your assailant’s, you pressed to turn your implant on.

“I need… medics to the.. to the parking garage. The assailant is gone... Multiple agents down.. At least nobody’s dead this time..” You said calmly, faking heavy breaths in between as you dropped to the ground against the pillar.

Back at the church, Matt was reeling. Y/N was working with the FBI to protect Fisk. He wondered why she left Anvil. How did she end up with Fisk? Why didn’t she try to stop it? And why was she stopping him?

He talked with Sister Maggie about what he had found out.

“He’s claiming to have changed over a woman.” Matt said with a slight bitterness to his voice. How was it fair or just that Fisk could have the woman he loved when he had to hurt his? When he now had to stand against his. Again.

“Well if there’s anything that can redeem a lost soul, love would have to top the list.” Maggie answered knowingly.

“Even for a monster like Fisk?”

“You’re talking to a nun, kiddo. Love and redemption are pretty much our sales pitch.”

“Well I'm not buying.”

“She still comes by, you know. Even after that little boxing debacle. Not too late to talk to her.”

“No, I don’t think she’d be happy to see me.” Matt sighed.

“Why not?”

“Cause she’s kicked my ass twice already.” He laughed slightly.

“Mmm.” She hummed, almost in delight. “You say that like you didn’t deserve it.”

“I’m just.. I don’t know, maybe I’ll just stop him, for good this time. Then we can..”

“Just be careful you don’t become the monster.”

He went out that night, finding Foggy at a bar. He heard Y/N’s voice through a phone call as she promised she was on the way, saying she had to finish with the medics before she could leave. Matt didn’t remember hurting her that bad but maybe when he tackled her, it aggravated her old rib injury. Maybe she was beginning to develop a concussion, which he would have to find a way to apologize for if that was it. Regardless, he didn’t have time to dawdle on the thought since she was already coming. Even if his heart wanted to hammer his feet to the floor and make him face her.

The conversation went about as well as Matt expected. He thought it better that Foggy was pissed at him, then maybe he wouldn’t want Matt around. Maybe he wouldn’t tell Y/N or Karen that they had talked.

“You’ll have to get passed Y/N.” Foggy called as Matt tried to leave. “Karen told me she’s part of the FBI detail that’s protecting Fisk.”

“Yeah, I know.. I’ll handle it.”

“I hope she kicks your ass. Maybe that’ll knock some sense into you. As much as she hates doing that, she’s gonna hate that you’re hiding from her even more.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t tell her then.”

“I’m not gonna keep this from her!”

Matt heard her voice outside, muttering about not changing her shirt and something about blood. He was nearing panic and his pulse was thumping in his ears.

“She won’t believe you.” Matt defended, trying to end the conversation so he could sneak out without Y/N seeing.

“She deserves better than that.”

“Yeah, I know… Just stay out of this. You and Karen.”

“And what if Y/N tries to stop you?”

“She won’t.”

“It’s her job now! You don’t get to take that from her!”

“If you tell her I’m coming for him, then you take it from her.”

“You’re an asshole.” Foggy complained and Matt decided he wouldn’t stay any longer.

He headed out and brushed past Y/N, careful to keep his head down and turned away. It may have made it obvious that he didn’t want to be seen but he didn’t care. As long as he got away. As long as he didn’t have to hear her say his name.

You hurried into the bar and glanced around, almost running into the man leaving. You offered an apology but he said nothing, just shoved past you with his head down. You made a face to yourself before finding Foggy and rushing over.

“Hey.” You smiled and he offered an uneasy smile in return. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.. Nothing, uh- What happened? You okay?” Foggy rushed to answer and you felt the anxiety vibrating off him.

You paused to order your drink quickly before facing your friend again.

“Yeah, there was an incident at the hotel and I got sliced.” You rolled up your jacket sleeve to show the bandages. “Which sorta leads into what I wanted to talk to you about…”

“Fisk is out.”

“Conditionally, but yeah…”

“And you’re part of the team that protects him.”

“Yeah… Karen tell you?”

“Yeah..”

“I’m sorry. I tried to stop it. I even tried the conflict of interest card and I would’ve told you if I could but-“

“It’s not your fault, Y/N/N.” Foggy sighed and you could tell something else was weighing on him, though you had to admit it was nice to hear your old nickname again. “I know you did everything you reasonably could to stop it.”

“You’re definitely more forgiving and understanding than Karen was. But maybe that’s just cause we aren’t really getting along right now in general.”

“When you talked to Karen, did she tell you anything else?”

“No, she kinda just yelled at me… I don’t blame her, considering I yelled right back. Why?”

“You ever hear about the Kazemi family?”

“Uh… No, I don’t think so.”

“Well they’re a rich family and I guess they got attacked the other night but someone stopped it.”

“Was it a guy and his daughter?”

“Yeah.. Is it a good thing that it sounds familiar?”

“A little, but probably not. The other night, I was leaving the bar and I felt this panic. I went to check on it and there was this guy…”

“Man in the Mask copycat?”

“Yeah! You’ve seen him?”

You felt a new sliver of hope break through and it made your chest feel tight and your stomach twist.

“No.. But Karen thinks it’s him.”

“Between you and me..” You leaned in closer. “And you can’t tell Karen… Same guy tried to ambush the hotel tonight. I tried to get the mask off but I missed. Do you think it’s really him?”

“I don’t know.. Do you really want it to be? I mean, you have this new life with the FBI. You got Dex- that’s your partner, right?” Foggy gestured to you and you nodded. “You just got over all that Central Park carousel stuff.“ He motioned vaguely to your wrist and your other hand covered your brace defensively. “Do you want him to be back right now? Would it be good for you?”

“Do you?”

“He was my best friend. If I could have him back, I would. But I’d want the Matt we had before all of this.”

“I get it.. Everything was easier before we started this.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.” He sighed.

“Yeah, but it’s true, right?”

He pressed his lips into a line as he nodded.

“Would you want him back?” He asked softly,

“Honestly…” You paused to think, staring at your glass while you swirled the contents to watch the liquid slosh over the ice cubes.

Did you want Matt back? You thought so. But could you handle Matt being back? That would probably mean he’d want to go after Fisk, which would force you to choose to potentially bring back Exodus to help him - given that he’s revived his own vigilante image - or choose your job and stop him. You’ve stood against Matt before so it was anything but an unfamiliar concept. But to stand against him for the sake of Wilson Fisk, for the sake of a man you wanted to put a bullet in every waking minute you were at that godforsaken hotel. It was a complete reversal of what Exodus stood for, of what you stood for. If the old you, the one who existed when you first came to town, could see you now protecting Fisk, she’d kill you herself. And you couldn’t deny that you would’ve deserved it.

Just because you wore an FBI badge and title didn’t mean Exodus was no longer part of you. It didn’t mean you wouldn’t do what you had to.

“I still love him and I miss him everyday. But it’d be a really shitty time for him to come back.” You laughed weakly, gently nursing your drink. “There’s too much with the Fisk thing to deal with him. He’d want to do something stupid like try to take him down. I’d end up helping him because we all know who between all of us can actually finish this if it comes down to it. Next thing you know, I’m on the run with a new identity and New York isn’t home anymore…”

“You’ve thought this out.” Foggy offered gently.

“Ever since I saw the copycat, I haven’t been able to get the thought out of my head. I’m a little relieved that I haven’t gotten back to normal. It doesn’t hurt when I think about the maybe… Maybe he’s back. Maybe it would bring something back in me. Maybe I’m not lost forever. That’s the one that really scares me… But then no one ever showed up. He never came home. He never even called. I gave up on the idea cause I kinda had to, y’know. I mean, we hardly had any time together anyways.. But now that maybe, just maybe, he’s alive. I don’t know, Foggy..”

“Would it help if he was alive?”

“If the Man in the Mask is back-“ You rubbed the side of your head, unintentionally pressing on the scar for your implant. “-then there’s gonna be some expectation for Exodus to return, too. Not from him, exactly, but the Kitchen. It’s been him and I almost since the start. And I don’t think I can-“

Your sentence was cut short by what you heard in your head. Your device connected to the audio back in Fisk’s hotel room. Your body ran cold when you realized he knew and it felt like you had been sucker punched.

‘So the Devil is back… Which means Exodus can’t be far behind.’

‘She can’t make a move without the FBI seeing. Neither of them can. Y/L/N was the one to take him down in the parking garage.’

‘We need to convince them sooner rather than later. We need something to entice Ms. Y/L/N.”

“Hello? Y/N?” Foggy tried, waving a hand in front of your face. Your attention snapped back and you smacked the scar quickly to silence the device. “What happened?”

“Uh… Sorry, I just- I thought I heard something. Listen, Foggy, if you know something, I need you to tell me.” You urged. “I need you to tell me right now.”

“Y/N..” He sighed.

“Foggy, please.”

“He told me to stay out of it, said for me and Karen to stay on the sidelines and that if you were involved, he’d figure it out.”

“So he is alive?”

“Maybe? I don’t know. It was just some note.”

“But who wrote it?”

“I know that you-”

“Who else knows?”

“I don’t know.”

You sighed in frustration and knocked a fist against the bar top. You quickly swallowed the contents of your glass and dropped a twenty on the bar before getting up.

“Y/N, wait.” Foggy tried.

“I’m sorry, but I have to go. If he’s really alive and if he’s going after Fisk, he’s going to get himself killed. Fisk is already trying to get in my partner’s head and I can tell you right now, he thinks the Devil is back.”

“What?”

“The copycat went for Fisk’s lawyer. Now Fisk knows and he’s counting on me and him coming for him. I need to get back there and figure this out.”

“Y/N!” He called after you, halting your steps. “I know I can’t stop you… Just be careful.” He sighed.

“I promise.” You nodded before heading home to figure everything out.

The next morning, you were on the phone with Dex as you were heading out. You just stepped outside your building when you realized you left your wallet on your table. You hurried back up, a lecture in your ear from your partner, but stepping inside made you freeze.

Your door was unlocked, you could’ve sworn you had locked it when you left. You always did. There was a heavy coat thrown over the sofa, one that seemed reminiscent of the guy from the hotel and was still warm from wear, and a pair of glasses on the table near your door. Sunglasses that were too round to be yours. You stepped into the bedroom and found your closet open, Matt’s suits pushed apart with an empty hanger on the bar but his few remaining canes all accounted for.

Someone - probably Matt - had been in your apartment. You shivered slightly at the thought but had no time to sit and obsess on it. You grabbed your wallet and left, making a point to lock the door.

But when Matt stepped into your shared apartment moments after you had left, he could tell your life was different. Physically, everything was more or less the same. The place was a bit dustier than he remembered, but he figured that was just due to your new busy schedule. What he couldn’t ignore was the smells of different colognes, scents he would never wear. The smells were stronger in the bedroom and he instantly knew that you had entertained nightly visitors in his absence.

He frowned to himself but that expression turned to a small smile when he realized the scents were woven into the opposite side of the bed. His usual side now smelled of your body wash and shampoo while your usual side smelt of your partners. Despite the bile in his throat and knots in his stomach from the idea of you sleeping with someone else, he found a bit of comfort in knowing that you didn’t let them on his side.

That had to mean something.

You walked into the hotel with even less pep in your step than the day before, if that was possible. You felt rather deflated but you knew you needed to be at work. You needed to watch Fisk, to keep Dex from picking the wrong side. Your list of unstable men to keep an eye on seemed to grow everyday - even though some were crossed off - and you began to question the type of people you attracted.

If you had to create that list in real life, it’d look just as messy as your thoughts.

Marc’s name would be there, then crossed off, then back again with an arrow that pointed to a sidebar for Steven’s name with a small question mark over the arrow. Then Matt would make the list. Daredevil, later crossed off along with Matt and a small ‘dead’ by their names. Then Frank, who’d also be crossed off with ‘dead’ then rewritten with ‘alive!!’. Billy Russo, aggressively crossed off. Dex and Fisk, both with angry faces next to them. And Matt would make the list again.

“Y/L/N.” Ray called as you stepped into the media room. You tossed Dex your jacket and headed into the next room, passing Ray’s wife with a polite exchange of smiles. “Heard you got a little beat up yesterday. You alright?”

“Yeah.” You nodded and rolled your sleeve to show the bandages, suddenly glad you didn’t heal it yourself. “Wanna see?”

He chuckled slightly and came over, unraveling the bandage carefully. He made a small noise at the sight of the slice and helped you cover it up again.

“It doesn’t hurt?” He asked as you repositioned your sleeve.

“Nah.” You shook your head. “It tugs a little bit, but they cleaned it up real nice. I’m not worried.”

“Good.” He nodded. “I’m glad you’re alright.”

“Thanks.” You smiled slightly, feeling the genuineness of his words. “Yeah, I’d hate to have to sit this one out.” You added sarcastically.

“And here I thought you didn’t wanna be here.” He joked.

“I don’t.” You agreed with a laugh. “But I'd rather be here than home.”

“That’s good to hear.” He patted your shoulder. “I think… But he’s been asking for you.”

“Who? Him?” You gestured to Dex behind you.

“No… Him.” He gestured to the suite on the other side of the wall.

“Oh great.. And here I thought I’d enjoy coming to work today.” You mumbled and backed away to head into the next room. “He say why?”

“Nope. And I didn’t ask. He’s had his lawyer all morning so no one knows what he’s saying.”

“Even better. How’d he know I love going in blind?” You rolled your eyes. “Bring him?” You nodded to Dex.

“Up to you.” He shrugged.

You tilted your head back and forth in thought before shaking your head. You gave Dex a tight smile in acknowledgement before heading into the room. You walked in and found only Donovan standing in front of you.

“What does he want with me?” You asked simply.

“I think you know, Agent Y/L/N.” The lawyer answered calmly.

“I will put a bullet in both of you before anyone else can even get to the door.” You warned and crossed the room briskly, grabbing the man by his jacket and giving a small shake. “What does he want?”

“How would that look? You’re the only one armed here.”

“You’d be surprised at how well I can make things look like a suicide.”

“I had hoped we would have more time to build up to this.” Fisk announced from the second level. You shoved the lawyer away and faced Fisk. “There’s something I want you to see.”

He came down calmly, hands folded behind his back. You took a small step back and your hand hovered at the gun at your belt. As he got closer, he held a phone out to you. Before you took it, you saw a dimly lit scene that shifted to red flashes. You saw the blur of movement so you snatched the device and took a few steps away to see, and potentially hide your reaction.

What you saw made your hands burn.

There was no denying that it was Matt. The way he moved, the way he took the hits but got up. It was without a doubt the man you loved. The man you’d die to protect.

It was Matt Murdock.

“What the hell is this?” You turned on Fisk, clutching the phone so tight you thought you were going to snap it. And maybe you wanted to. “Where is this?”

“I know that you know the Devil is back. I assume you knew who he was the whole time.” He spoke calmly. “What I don’t know is who’s side you are on.”

“Whose side?” You laughed, throwing the phone to the floor. You stomped the screen and heard it splinter beneath your heel. “I side with myself! I have no loyalty to anyone but myself, remember?”

“He was gone. Presumed dead.” Fisk taunted and your vision gained a slight red haze so you closed your eyes and turned your back. “Where did he go, Agent?”

“Shut up.”

“Was it your fault? What happened to him. Did you do it?”

“You think I’d turn on him?” You turned to face him.

“You turn on everyone, don’t you?”

“Shut up!”

“He ‘died’ because of you!”

“I fought him for it!” You screamed, throwing your hand and feeling a wave of heat release. You cursed yourself for the moment of weakness before collecting yourself.

“But he was better than you.” Fisk continued. “You should’ve fought harder.”

“Why did you show me that?” You gestured to the broken phone you still stood on. “What do you want from me?”

“The Devil is alive and he is coming for me. I ask you, without the FBI’s watchful eye, without the presence of your partner… Is Exodus alive as well?”

“You’re afraid.” You realized the faint yellow surrounding him. “If the Devil lives, and if Exodus joins him, you know you can’t win.”

“I have someone in mind.”

“You go after Dex and I swear to you, I will break every bone in your body.” You warned fiercely. “And that’ll be after I break Vanessa in half.”

“I’ll kill you before you get close.”

“I don’t need to. I still have eyes on her, remember? I give the word and she’s as good as dead.”

“The same can be said about your precious Matthew Murdock.” He threatened lowly. “Franklin Nelson… Karen Page…”

“You touch them, and I will burn this hotel to the ground with you in it.”

“Tell me, Agent. Who do you choose to be?”

“I am revenge and consequence.” You spoke calmly.

“You used to be wrath personified.”

“I am wrath’s bruised heart!” You shouted. “What- what- what do you want from me? Hmm? You want me to be afraid that you’ll expose my past? I can make it so no one here gives a shit! You want me to beg you to keep my secret? I cower before no one! But I will say this. If you come after anyone I care about, I will kill everyone you’ve ever loved. And you will watch them suffer.”

You left the room after that, slamming the door behind you. You ran your hands roughly through your hair and let out a silent scream, tugging the ends and feeling the heat against your scalp. You let out a long sigh and ran a hand down your face before composing yourself and returning to the media room. You dropped into your chair and kept to yourself, saying very little to any of your colleagues. Dex offered lunch, and you shrugged in response. Ray offered to bring you coffee when he went for one and you waved him off. You couldn’t focus on anything other than the shocking revelations and threats of that day.

Matt truly was alive, and like a coward, he was hiding from you. Where you would find him, you had no idea. All you knew was that his dumbass went and picked a fight at a prison that was clearly still under the thumb of Wilson Fisk. And Fisk, having the audacity to challenge you into bringing Exodus back. As if Exodus would ever dare be on his side. Left you a lot to think about.

You didn’t know if it was just after lunch or just after dinner when Hattley and Ray showed up with OPR. You only cared for his arrival since he asked Dex to leave the room. Your brows raised and you watched your partner leave with interest, waiting until Hattley and OPR ducked into the office. Ray nodded for you to follow him out and you found Dex in the hall.

“Don’t sweat this.” Ray told you both.

“What is this?” You asked, peaking over his shoulder towards the room you left. “What’s going on?”

“OPR wants a private interview with Fisk.. It would be inappropriate of me to tell you that the Office of Professional Responsibility has launched an internal investigation into the motorcade attack.”

“Why?” Your brows furrowed. Hadn’t you and Dex given the same retelling in your reports?

“It would also be inappropriate of me to tell you that there was a slight discrepancy between your report-“ He looked to Dex. “-and the forensics analysis of the shooting.”

“Yeah, it would be inappropriate.” Dex agreed flatly.

When Ray headed back into the room, you waited in the hall with Dex. Not for the first time since you had known him, but you felt an uneasy sense of wavering from him. You knew the man needed structure. He needed routine and rules to keep him on the straight and narrow. But this investigation threatened that and he knew it.

“Hey.” You offered and he looked to you quickly. “You’re practically buzzing.”

“Yeah, no shit.” He sighed. You reached and took his hand for a moment, allowing the gesture to give you a cover to take in some of that overwhelming energy.

“It’s gonna be fine, alright? I’ll stick up for you and do what I can.”

“And what if it takes you down, too?”

You shrugged. “Still have a law degree I can use.”

Along with other, more violent ways to spend your time.

“You’re a pain in the ass, yknow that?” He laughed slightly.

“Yeah, running theme with me I guess. Some people actually appreciate it though.” You gave a small smile before patting his arm and returning to work.

You stepped out of the media room for a breather later that night, taking a quick trip to the lobby for a tea. Although on your way back, you passed the agent you had left in the room. He said Dex switched with him, but you knew he was supposed to be relieved for the day. You hurried back and found the cameras had been shut off.

You slammed a fist against the desk before rushing into the suite.

“They’re questioning you for your exceptionalism!” Fisk said loudly as Dex stared at you like a deer in headlights. “You saved my life!”

“Shut up!” You shouted past Dex, though you maintained eye contact.

“They vilify and demean your acts of courage.”

“Sit down and shut up or I will put a bullet in you right now, I swear to God.” You warned, pulling your gun on Fisk as he stood. “Dex, out. Now.”

Fisk made some other comment about real heroes being dismissed before Dex finally left, leaving you and Fisk alone and your gun still raised. And the cameras were still off.

“Leave him out of this. I won’t warn you again.” You said firmly.

“If you won’t break, then I’ll break him.” Fisk said calmly as he sat back down.

“You want him to be your personal weapon. I won’t let that happen to him.”

“Isn’t that what you use people for? The Devil. The Punisher. Now Agent Poindexter.”

“What will it take?” You asked suddenly, shocking both yourself and Fisk. “Hmm? To leave both men out of your games. I need to protect them so… So name your price.”

“I’ve always known you were meant for something bigger than masks and costumes… Maybe this is the chance to find out.”

“So I join you, Dex and The Devil are off limits?”

“I am a man of my word, am I not?”

“No, I need to hear you say it.”

“Agent Poindexter and The Devil of Hell’s Kitchen will have my protection, if you agree.”

You were quiet as you thought about it. Faking compliance has worked for you in the past, but you figured he’d expect a double cross. You’d be kept on the outskirts. There was no way Fisk would be naive enough to let you into his inner circle without some proof of loyalty, some niche test that would only make sense to you.

“My offer will not last forever. I suggest you makeup your mind quickly.” He spoke calmly, but you could feel the underlying threat.

Before you could argue, you felt a deep wave of panic slam your chest hard enough to nearly knock you off your feet. You shoved the gun away and pushed out of the room, back into the media room to turn the cameras back on. You scolded Dex for letting Fisk get in his head and he offered an insincere apology for it. You smacked the back of his head and ranted about how nothing Fisk says can be trusted and how he was trying to manipulate Dex. Dex clearly didn’t care what you had to say so once the other agent returned, you left.

You practically ran home, hoping that the source of the panic would be there. The panic was Matt’s and that part was easy to recognize but it felt so far away that you had no idea what to do. You didn’t know where he was or what he was up to. You could only hope that he could handle it, that he would be heading to the apartment rather than whatever hole he was hiding in.

You could only pray that he was coming home to you. When you stepped into your empty apartment, the pressure building your chest hit a tipping point so you took a deep breath and screamed until you ran out of air.

[thetcrmented]

CARMEN ALVAREZ ( ADRIA ARJONA ) is a THIRTY year-old HEAD OF FUNDRAISING FOR THE WOODROW FOUNDATION in BOLTON, NY. They were brought under Richard’s care when they were only THIRTEEN years old. They are known as THE TORMENTED because they are IDEALISTIC but also SENSITIVE.

BASIC INFORMATION

Full Name: carmen juliana alvarez

Nickname(s): carm, carms, alvarez

Date of Birth: march 12

Age: thirty

Occupation: head of fundraising for the woodrow foundation

Current Residence: two bedroom apartment in bolton, new york which she moved into two weeks ago

PERSONALITY & BEHAVIOR:

Strengths: kind-hearted, generous, innovative, empathetic, creative, loyal, steadfast, principled, open-minded, compassionate

Weaknesses: sensitive, emotionally volatile, thin-skinned, naive, easily manipulated, impulsive

Quirks: carmen is a compulsive nail-biter, an anxious tic she picked up as a child and hasn't been able to shake. she's also a notorious note taker and is forever writing up to do lists on scraps of paper that end up stuffed in the bottom of her handbag and strewn across her desk/bedroom/kitchen (delete as appropriate)

Vices: carmen's ultimate vice is her hopeless romanticism and her penchant for running from one relationship right into another. she hates being alone and constantly convinces herself that each fling will be her last and this time they're really the one. though so far she's been proven wrong. carmen is also partial to a glass of wine (or two, or three). mostly it's an appreciation for one of the finer delicacies life has to offer, but carmen is well aware that she has a predilection for dependency, as any daughter of an addict would. she knows she has a tendency to use alcohol as a crutch. she also appreciates a drunk cigarette or two.

INTEREST & HOBBIES:

Interests: travel, world history, learning about other cultures, fine wine, politics, nature documentaries

Hobbies: cooking, running, horse riding, yoga, sketching (though she's not very good), and writing poetry (which she might be even worse at)

Special Skills/Talents: carmen has an uncanny ability to intuit other people's emotions, which is very helpful when she's schmoozing donors for the woodrow foundation. she tends not to use this skill for her own ends in her personal life, though those that know her well are prepared for the fact that she can often peer over people's walls and guards, even if she doesn't tear them down

BECOMING A WARD

tw: addiction carmen was raised solely by her mother, juliana alvarez, her father having left the picture long before she was born and only remaining a presence in the form of occasional birthday cards. her mother floundered in the wake of carmen's father's departure, struggling to hold down a job, and tormented by the abandonment. though she loved her daughter dearly and in her heart wanted to give her the best, the darker forces of life got in the way. at first it was drink, but it quickly turned to more illicit substances. there were days long absences, carmen left alone in their one-room apartment with an empty fridge. it didn't take long for social services to catch on and determine that juliana was an unfit mother, and carmen was taken from her care, resigned to the depths of the american care system. carmen first met richard when she was thirteen and he was paying a visit to the care home she lived in, one of the many in new york state that his foundation helped support. it was not any great intellect or exceptional talent that drew him to carmen. she was never a star pupil nor a brilliant creative mind. but as he watched her interact with the other children and attentively listen to the talk he was giving about the woodrow foundation, richard saw parts of himself reflected in the young girl. there was a good heart in there, thriving despite the challenges and turmoil of her young life. richard wanted to make sure that goodness wasn't stamped out by the circumstances and path carmen had found herself walking. he wanted to give her the opportunity to put that heart to good use, and nurture the young girl so she could hopefully share that heart someday.

LIFE AS A WARD

before moving to woodrow, carmen was always a sweet-natured child, but reserved and painfully quiet. she preferred to blend in amongst her peers, scared to rock the boat or reach out to others. living at woodrow gave her a chance to feel stability and security where she never had before and carmen could step out from under the safety blanket she lived in. she was still kind and generous, but there was a vivacious, friendly side to her personality that had never been there before. she was always quick to laugh, quick to bond with the other wards and became fiercely loyal to those she lived with at woodrow house. she saw her fellow wards, richard and the staff as a pseudo-family, filling the gaps where her biological family had never been. she held onto these new connections and friendships tightly, perhaps too tightly at times. partly because she had never had a chance to feel loved and wanted before, and partly because she was so scared of losing it all and going back to being alone. she looked up to richard in particular, her hero, father-figure and inspiration all in one. it became clear to her from a young age that she wanted to follow in his footsteps, repay the debt she would owe him for her whole life, and give back, to help others who had been just like her. she was favoured by richard for these noble ambitions and he saw carmen as someone he could mould in his own image. she wasn't as gifted or academic as the other wards, but she was the one who could continue his legacy.

AESTHETIC

carmen's style has evolved as she's grown and seen more of the world, allowing the places she's visited and people she's met to influence her. her style now leans towards scandinavian street style; high quality basics, neutral colours and an ever-present classic white t-shirt. she always wears a simple gold necklace, the one item in her possession that belonged to her mother.

EDUCATION

carmen chose to receive her schooling from the tutors at woodrow house. never traditionally academic, she wasn't sure how much she would enjoy or benefit from attending the local private school. homeschooling was a better way to make sure she could study what truly interested her, rather than getting disheartened that she was bottom of the class. the only subject she ever excelled at was spanish, but she had the unfair advantage of being raised bilingual by her puerto-rican mother. carmen also chose not to attend college, instead opting to volunteer with the woodrow foundation during her early adulthood, travelling through south america, asia and africa to volunteer on their various projects and programmes before joining the foundation full time.

EXTRACURRICULARS 

carmen took horse riding and art classes growing up. the former she adored and excelled at. the latter, not so much. she enjoyed both immensely and they're hobbies that she's carried into adulthood.

THEIR LIFE NOW

carmen was the last ward to leave woodrow house, having moved out just two weeks ago. she's spent the last ten years of her life working for the woodrow foundation, climbing the ranks to become the had of fundraising. many within and outside of the organisation considered her to be a natural successor for richard. and she thought so too. she loved the life and the world richard had given her. given she was away travelling so much with work, she didn't see the need to move out of woodrow house. that was until she started having doubts about the life she'd built for herself. a couple of years ago, it started to become clear that her insatiable need to repay richard and model her life after his, had created a life that wasn't hers at all. she looked but she couldn't find any evidence of herself in any of the choices she'd made. she loved helping people but she wanted to do it on her terms. as she'd climbed the ladder at the woodrow foundation she found herself disconnected from the work she'd been doing. she wanted to get back to what mattered most and forge her own path. but she knew giving up her work at the foundation would break richard's heart, and when she told him her decision, her worst fears were realised. they had the first falling out of their seventeen-year relationship. she left the home that had once been her sanctuary and that was the last time she saw richard alive.

[gardenoforder]

headcanons expanding on the verse of my jingren psycho-pass AU oneshot, "for whom will you bare your fangs?" on AO3.

-jing yuan is criminally asymptomatic. sibyl system wants to include him in its network, but he's been able to dodge all threats and offers his way somehow. up until the system found out about his abnormality, he was able to camouflage and manipulate his own psycho-pass to match others' in order to not stand out. to sibyl, he is regarded as "one who borrows the mind of others and has no face of his own."

-blade was deemed a latent criminal from early on, so he spent most of his life confined. he was young enough to recall good times with his parents, but also old enough to realize that he was losing his future for things he hasn't done yet. when his family cut ties with him, he decided to discard his name as well.

-blade is aware of jing yuan keeping secrets from him, but he doesn't know what they're about. he's trusting that jing yuan has a good reason for it but uhh

their division:

-jing yuan and blade's unit currently comprises of fu xuan, their analyst, and ma yanqing (senior), another enforcer.

-their call signs are shepherd (inspector; jing yuan) and hound (enforcers; blade and ma yanqing)

-jing yuan and blade first met during a joint operation between both divisions. their different methods and approaches to the situation put them at odds with each other until they had to be physically pulled apart. not too long after, jing yuan recruited blade into his unit.

-fu xuan regularly has to deal with covering up for both of them. since she's their resident researcher, analyst, and medical expert all rolled into one, she's often the most exhausted of their group.

-ma yanqing (senior) is the oldest member in more ways than one. he is the only original member remaining; he was there to see jing yuan as a fresh new inspector and fu xuan being assigned as their analyst. he is struggling to dissuade his nephew, yanqing (junior) from pursuing a future job at the crime investigation department of the public safety bureau.

blade's old unit:

-this disbanded group was blade's first experience getting along with others, so the memories of them are something he holds fondly. the members were his friends, mentors, and coworkers, and even if this profession is all he's ever known, he still thinks highly of them.

-blade's old unit comprised of one inspector, dan feng, and two other enforcers, jingliu and baiheng. they are each officially marked as MIA. blade is still searching for their whereabouts, but it has proven fruitless. jing yuan knows what happened, but hasn't told him.

-jingliu was originally an inspector that got too close to the truth of the sibyl system and was demoted for her silence in exchange for her life. she has always regretted only taking the demotion for what happened to the rest of her former division members.

-dan feng became an person of interest for sibyl (just like jing yuan eventually did), and baiheng sacrifices herself to protect him from sibyl. after she gave her life to save his, he attempted to completely destroy himself to prevent sibyl from collecting any sort of data based on him, but both lives ended in vain. sibyl then created a synthetic being using what data is left of his brain, dan heng, to take his place.

-jingliu was not present due to an injury she received from a previous case. after learning about what happened to dan feng and baiheng, she escaped the country and becomes a renegade. she begrudgingly became jing yuan's outside source of information against sibyl. she hates blade for not knowing what happened to their old unit, but he doesn't know a damn thing what is he supposed to do

-if blade learns about any of this he will 100% go fucking nuts and he will be twice as berserk when he learns that jing yuan kept him in the dark on purpose, even if it was for his own good. like if that ever happens, jing yuan better have a good plan on how not to die

the jingren section:

-they're often found in the training room together. blade occasionally ends up breaking some equipment, and jing yuan always offers to pay for replacements.

-blade only has one tie for his suit and it was given to him by jing yuan. the only times he actually wears it are when he needs to cover marks the other man left on him.

-jing yuan didn't start smoking until he met blade and only smokes in blade's dorm.

-their choice in reads and philosophies repeal each other, but jing yuan has started picking up on reading blade's books whenever he visits him. blade reads as much paperback as possible.

-blade feels a lot of complex feelings for jing yuan, but he's most frustrated with him for showing him things that he's missed out on in a lot of his life for being branded a latent criminal as a child. "I would have been fine just being called a hunting dog. now that I know about all these things that I missed out on, I am growing greedy for a life I don't know of. and I resent him for that."

-their relationship doesn't have a strong feeling of romance. it's more built on the feeling of belonging, interest, and comfort, the feeling of like-mindedness despite being opposites. sometimes they use their rivaling ideologies to compete and encourage each other. they're partners that know each other well enough to understand what to do without needing to say anything, and blade will often act on his own during cases knowing what jing yuan is planning. those unspoken and unpredictable patterns have earned him the nickname of "jing yuan's wild dog"

-blade's frustrations with jing yuan often come out during sex and it's no surprise that his numbers and color go nuts. he is so damn aggressive that jing yuan doesn't really have to do anything for a while before he gets to make a move himself. jing yuan likes to satisfy blade like that, let him rage out and take his fill before giving it to him as much as he wants.

[the-lady-writes-what]

Warning: Long essay below the cut

Real talk about Harry Potter for a second. As a millennial who was into HP when I was younger, I have to honest and say that I did not see the problematic shit the J.K. Rowling put in her books. For a lot of us, growing up as a white kid in the early 2000's, we were not educated enough to see the anti-Semitism, racism, and lukewarm feminism that wasn't really feminism because Rowling made fun of Hermione for it. Watching the spiral of Rowling into TERF territory and aligning herself with people who reference Hitler in their TERF speeches and literal fascism breaks my heart. HP played a huge part in my childhood, as it did for many people. Sadly there are HP adults who continue to enable Rowling to use her platform for evil. Instead of looking back and dissecting the literature that formed our current mindset, there are people who grew up to be nasty people indirectly because HP taught them that anyone who complains about the system is doing progressive social justice wrong. Harry Potter became a wizard cop for the system that helped put Voldemort in a position of power. Hitler didn't rise to power out of the blue. He worked the current system in his favor and won support. He wasn't just some manipulative well spoken mastermind, he was using rhetoric that already existed. The criticism about the politics in the HP universe came far too late. We currently have numerous adults who are now currently voting to repress Black and queer history from schools, LGBTQ+ education, and criminalize being trans and gay in several states in the USA.

Not every adult who read HP became a fascist, not every adult who is fascist read HP. I'm certainly not saying that HP is solely the reason why anti-LGBTQ+ hate crimes are currently on the rise again and legislations are trying to get passed. What I am saying is that this is what happens when you don't think critically what you read. Critical analysis about what books are produced and by whom can help deter or enable the kind of ideas that Rowling associates with. Her brand of "progressiveness" is seen through the lens of an upper middle class and upper class white British woman. She largely benefits from a system that will come to be the shoulder for her to cry on when the internet "bullies" her, i.e when the internet and former fans try to hold her accountable for the inflammatory things she's said and written about trans people, women, Jews, POC, etc. I am not a saint in all of this either. My first book that I wrote which will never see the light of day again contained an Indian servant because I thought about historical "accuracy" which looking on it now was a load of shit. What I should have done in the first place was do critical research and properly acknowledge the racism and discrimination and imperialism of the British Empire. That character should not have existed and I deeply regret writing a story like that, even if my intention was not to further enable a white-washed history of the relationship between the British aristocracy and the people of India. Whether it was my intention or not, the fact that I wrote it was not okay. I am sorry for that. That book is no longer available and the remaining physical copies will stay with me. They aren't going anywhere. Moving forward, I will do better research and listen to the voices of people of color when it comes to writing characters outside of my own race.

Rowling has yet to learn that lesson towards trans people and keeps using the debunked conspiracy theory that "men dressed as women" will sexually assault someone in the ladies' room and take up female-dominated spaces. Transwomen are women. End of story. It seems that the more she is criticized for upholding anti-trans beliefs and conspiracy theories, the deeper she digs her heels in. She doesn't want to be corrected or told she's misinformed. The die hard fans of hers follow suit. Adult fans of HP have gone to assault and abuse transwomen, forgetting the soft-spoken message of the books they claim to love so much, that you should not hate people for who they are. I say soft-spoken because HP's message of anti-bigotry can hardly be called as such. It is spoken through the lens of upper class wealthy white woman's perspective of social justice and feminism. I say soft-spoken, and even limp-wristed, because its anti-bigotry message falls flat when discussing the numerous problematic and racist undertones in her writing. She wrote house elves as sentient creatures who want to be enslaved and made fun of Hermione for fighting for their freedom. She wrote the main characters to be all straight, white, and cis who later become part of the very system they fought against as children. The magical races in the Wizarding World universe are frequently looked down upon as if they're lesser than the human wizards and nothing is done for them. She did little to no research on non-European naming conventions and named the one East Asian character Cho Chang, combining a Korean and Chinese name as if the cultures are synonymous, named a black character Kingsley Shacklebolt, and allowed the Fantastic Beast franchise make Nagini (a South Asian name with cultural and religious significance) an Indonesian woman played by a South Korean actress. As if insult wasn't enough, Nagini is portrayed as a submissive Asian woman (stay classy Rowling!) who later dies at the hands of a white character to move the plot forward.

I wrote this fucking essay because Rowling is hurting so many people. Her kind of rhetoric which is a pandemic of hate towards trans people is hurting those I know. Two of my dearest friends are transwomen and I would fight tooth and nail for them. Hearing the author who wrote the books that got me interested in reading say things that accuse my friends of being men and wanting to assault women hurts them more than me and it infuriates me. She is one of the many reasons why diversity in reading is important so her mistakes don't get repeated and regurgitated. When you're a dumb white kid in the 2000's, you don't see the problematic stuff because you're not personally affected by it. Nobody can be racist against a white kid. And when authors like Rowling get praised in spite of the insensitive stereotypes and problematic shit in their books, it really is no wonder that we have a resurgence of hate crimes and rhetoric against LGBTQ+ folk and POC. The books didn't materialize out of thin air. There were so many editors who have had to go through the books and said, "Yep. That's fine" when she was writing offensive names for POC characters, anti-Semitic goblins, and having the white main characters join the system that put wizard Hitler into power.

It hurts to let something like HP go and die a slow painful death. It was a huge part of my childhood and got me into reading books. I might not be the reader I am today without those books. Because I will never be affected by the system in which people of color, trans folk, and the Jewish community are oppressed and I admit to being very privileged, I did not recognize the numerous red flags in J.K. Rowling's body of work until it was too late. For that I am sorry. The damage is done, but I'm trying to do better by listening and protecting my friends, trans or otherwise. J. K. Rowling can go fuck herself.

[alyjojo]

Career Check-In 👨🏼‍🚒 - August 2024 - Aquarius

How things stand currently: 8 Pentacles rev

The problem: The Star

Advice: The Moon rev

You’re bored, apathetic, half-assing any jobs you do because you don’t see the point of it anymore. For some, you’re having to end a romantic thing and it’s made work more like a hell on earth, something to do to avoid other issues in your life - your solution is to enjoy work enough to call it your sanity, an escape, when right now you hate this shit and don’t see the reason for any of it. Uranus, Aquarius, 11th House - all Aquarian energy. You’re ready to do something spontaneous with friends, storm out, protest, fight the man, assume an alias and live the rest of your days as a blind man named Ricky in Bermuda, bye ✌️ Some of you have online businesses, should, or play with the idea of one.

Aquarians need a practical as well as a spiritual purpose or others aren’t going to get much from you. Not the peak of your effort anyway. Whether it’s a talent or desire, this sign does best when it feels it’s contributing to a higher purpose, an inner calling, and that’s what you’re disconnected from at the deepest level. Why would God send you to this place to flip burgers, honestly? That’s where you’re at. There’s a message at the bottom that Real Estate is a nightmare, you could work/live in a bad area or have a rough living situation that plays into this too. Could be the building your job is housed in that’s the problem, I’m seeing a warehouse with no a/c in 100 degree heat, for example. Some of you work in real estate and maybe hate it, the market could be off and no one is buying - I wouldn’t know but - it’s killing your motivation and drive to succeed.

You’ve probably been going through the motions for some time, you’re showing up as a Queen of Wands with no use for wands. She’s holding this huge life-sized wand like a staff, like “what the hell am I going to do with this thing?” and with that I’m seeing a talent - whew your reading is a process but I GOT IT FINALLY. It could feel like that, daily 🤭 You have a specific talent you feel unclear about or don’t know how to use properly, maybe just not in this field. How many jobs use Wands? Or you could be considering some kind of second income in an online-based area (11th House), but haven’t fully created this into reality or feel like you can’t. Some of you feel bullied or manipulated into choosing a direction you don’t actually want, or you just don’t know how to make your dreams into reality - that feels circumstantial. Whatever you’re going through outside of work distracts you from really focusing at work - while also giving you a reason to run towards it - just to be dissatisfied and like “this is useless effort.” There’s just a strong feeling of showing up to a law office with a paint bucket, or a truck driver with a law degree, like there’s this oddball gap in between who you are and what you’re doing for work.

Advice is getting very clear with yourself. Daydreaming could be a problem, only where you’re not trying to realistically apply the things you dream up. Spirit is saying to BE as off the wall and creative as you can - and then apply it, but you don’t apply it. You’re encouraged to be as wacky Aquarian as you want but with 10 Wands - put the work in too. There’s no direction, no plan, no effort in the direction you feel The Star towards - this is your calling. If your calling is making soaps 🧼 and all of your energy is going towards flipping burgers with no soaps being made - how are you going to succeed in soap? It sounds like soaps are being supported but you’ve got to get real with The Moon rev - see things for what they are. How to make a dream more practical? Once you have the motivation & some kind of a…loose schedule? It looks like all systems are go - that’s the advice ❤️

Do or do not - there is no try. That’s coming through strongly. Also, if more training is needed, that’s the hold-up for someone, not wanting to spend the money to get the degree or certificate, but if that’s the dream then that’s the goal then that’s the action that needs to be taken - or it’s all for naught. Some have already begun and are tempted to quit, don’t quit 💯 10 Wands shows the “wake up call” is that you need to finish dragging these wands all the way to the end of the line (some kind of goal) so you can finally drop the burden and make the kind of moves you want/need to. It looks like you’re close to something and the advice is to finish that thing - get there, and then get more clear about where to head next, don’t just jump into things all willy nilly and feel overwhelmed or defeated - make a plan. Some of you may be planning something eccentric with friends or you’re all working together - maybe that’s the goal.

Oracles:

Profession 🧑‍🍳

Expertise - Omniscience - Talent

Libation 🤲

Donation - Pray - Religion

Heart’s Desire 🖤

Sing along to your heart’s song, for it knows what you truly want.

Happiness is Simple 😄

Find joy in life’s small wonders, for they hold the key to a fulfilling and contented heart.

URANUS 🙃 - AQUARIUS 👽 - 11TH HOUSE 🤝

- An unusual example of genius to xperiment with freedom.

- A different way of looking at the discoveries of associations.

- An unexpected change resulting from the eccentricities of your circle of friends.

[apompkwrites]

for the reader impact can you do jean and barbara?<3 thank you!

reader impact || first meeting: gunnhildr sisters

series masterlist characters: barbara, jean genre: fluff summary: a game has been released entitled genshin impact, consisting of otherworldly abilities relying on the basic elements of nature. the game follows the story of an interdimensional traveling twin in search of their other half. along this journey, they meet different characters that live in this world. including you. notes: i've never written these girls before... and honestly i've never written any of the other girls :(( i'm trying!! i hope this is good!

barbara -

barbara doesn't get to stream too often.

or at least, not as often as she'd like to.

as an idol, she still has a lot of responsiblities outside of streaming.

you know, training, concerts, all of that.

but, when she has the time, she loves streaming with her big sister :D

she doesn't do a lot of music streams solely because she needs a break from all of the idol work she does.

she isn't too into pvp based games and, instead, prefers to play more lighthearted ones!

she's a very soft and sweet streamer :)

her chat is normally very sweet as well because of how hard the mods are on how they act.

jean is also a mod on her streams whenever she isn't streaming.

and vice versa!

barbara loves to please her fans, so it's no surprise when she picks up genshin impact from many fan requests!

this game is probably the only she's fine with playing combat for.

once she starts, she absolutely loves the music.

she doesn't do music streams like i said, but she'll still fawn over any ost she genuinely enjoys.

anyway, here she goes starting the game.

she really loves the story so far, despite it starting a bit... sad.

she actually almost cried in the beginning of that.

just thinking about her sister being taken from her was something she hated imagining.

the more she plays, the more interesting the game becomes.

especially because she's following a bard who is, apparently, the god of the city she's currently in.

she feels really bad for him though, considering a close friend of his has seemingly been manipulated.

she doesn't like that she has to steal the lyre from the church...

and she feels even worse when the lyre they were supposed to take is stolen by someone else right in front of them.

but, luckily, they get it back.

and then it breaks...

she's afraid of the part of the game where she needs to actually return it.

and unfortunately, that time comes way too quick.

she meets with the acting grand master at the church, nervously fiddling with her fingers as the game takes over for dialogue.

"this is (name), the deacon/ess of the church."

that nervousness (almost) washes away as soon as she sees you onscreen :0

"may the anemo archon protect you."

"THEY'RE SO CUTE!"

she absolutely loves your voice!!!

be it soft and quiet or loud and excitable, she doesn't care.

you're cute and she wants nothing more than to have you as a permanent part of her team.

but then she's reminded of the fact that she's broken the lyre...

her character holds it out to you, causing to reel back in shock.

"AAAAAARGH!!! THE HOLY LYRE!!!"

"I'M SO SORRY!"

and when you start praying, she'll pray with you.

she just wants to make it up to you :(

after the strange... encounter with la signora, her character passes out.

only to wake up with you right in front of her!!!!!

you look so soft and sweet and--

she doesn't expect you to come to her team immediately because of the gacha system, so she's ready to just save primogems until she can get you.

but!!! she does!

and you best bet that you'll be on her team until this game ends.

jean -

jean, just like her younger sister, doesn't get to stream as often as she would like to.

she multitasks a lot so it's hard for her to put out good content when she's preoccupied by so many other projects.

luckily, the rare occasions she does stream, they're more relaxed.

the only reason she's able to calm down while streaming is that it still feels like she's getting things done.

it also lets her have some fun while working :D

her chat keeps trying to get her to take a break but... she just can't.

the things she does onstream are pretty normal.

she doesn't play games too often.

instead, she likes to do her everyday work onstream :)

like cooking! she absolutely loves doing cooking streams so that she can get two things done at once :D

the times she gets to actually play games are when barbara's home.

she'd rather play co-op games so they can spend time together.

because of that, barbara's the one that actually encourages her to start playing genshin!

it's a rather long game with objectives, so she thinks it'll be the best type of solo game for jean to play.

and! there's co-op so they can play together :))

just like her sister, she gets a bit emotional during the intro cutscene.

she just can't stand the thought.

as the game progresses, she actually finds herself having fun with a more slow-paced solo game.

of course, there are moments where it picks up.

once dvalin/stormterror is introduced, jean finds herself needing to go to the knights' headquarters.

at first she thinks she'll get to explore the actual building.

instead, she gets to go straight to a cutscene.

it pans up and all she knows is that she's in love with your design!

"(name), what's the hurry? i thought we agreed to meet them here."

the librarian in your office is a close second to her favorite character.

that spots already been reserved for you and you haven't even talked yet!

"there have been sightings of stormterror outside the city. once we meet, we must..."

just from how your character is written, she can tell how hardworking you are.

and that's exactly what jean looks for in a character.

she just... relates to you so much??

and her chat agrees.

you two are practically the same person at this point.

she appreciates how straightforward you are and definitely looks forward to getting to know you more :))

[featherfur]

Meng Yao should have been around when Jiang Cheng was running around with his head cut off trying to make disciples out of rogues and convince everyone to get started on the war. I just think he’d see this, probably manic, idiot who needs help and is 100% willing to be bossed around and who really doesn’t care about Meng Yao station in life because he’s just fucking desperate and wants to die but can’t because Yanli and just go “actually I’m interested”. Because Jiang Cheng would riot if he knew Meng Yao wanted to go back to his dad, and well Jiang Cheng is very pathetic when he thinks he’s being left behind (“You’re leaving me for the Jin just like Shijie? Tears and loud words for you! Tears and loud words dor a thousand years!”)

And Meng Yao would have a spot in Lotus Pier where he is VERY clearly wanted, he probably doesn’t become sworn brothers with anyone (or LXC and NMJ realize that no one needs to give the Jin any more influence and become sworn brothers with Jiang Cheng) unless it’s Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian (unfortunately WWX will still probably be killed or hunted at the very least but atleast Qin Su is alive? Maybe having MY around will help calm JC into the fact that LWJ wants to bang his brother and help him so JC can convince WWX to let LWJ atleast play for him, then maybe WWX can accidentally let slip about him already destroying one half and LWJ can help destroy the other half… Dunno if the Wen Remnants survive either sorry, honestly I don’t know if anyone can stop JGS in the long run)

So there’s two ways this goes: (under read more I have Thoughts)

Meng Yao DOES go to the Jin Sect still because JC gets wanting your Dad’s Approval even when he’s a dick AND he protects Yanli who immediately adopted him when JC showed up to the war with him. Without being stuck between a Rock and a Hard place (sorry NMJ not everyone is a annoyingly stubborn with their morals as you and MY is being hurt :( leave him alone :(( ) MY is able to continue being pressured without breaking and even though JGS keeps trying to get him to manipulate JC, MY won’t and won’t manipulate NMJ either and every time he goes to Lotus Pier to ‘look into’ the Jiang Sect he actually just spends the week being plied with children and listening to Jiang Cheng explain the fashion industry Again and talk about silks vs cashmeres vs wool so he just gets a vacay and is more prepared to stand up against his dad.

Also JC and Yanli catch on pretty quick to Madam Jin abusing MY because they were there after Madam Yu would hurt WWX and they know the signs of trying to hide the pain and Yanli suddenly starts Show Up whenever Madam Jin tries anything because that is her Didi now and she will protect him and if anyone ELSE tries to mess with him she will rip them apart like when Jin Zixun tries to bother WWX.

JGS does eventually manage to frame something on WWX but MY intervenes immediately by telling JC the truth and without the ‘did my kinda insane PTSD ridden brother so this?” Panic thoughts JC gets his people and is waiting for the force of Jin and smaller sects, with his two sworn brothers on either side. Because yeah NMJ absolutely hates the Wen but can he really ignore LXC and JC? Plus NHS on the side? He’s only there to protect WWX, anyone else can get fucked and even then he’s only protecting WWX because JC asked him too because NMJ thinks WWX sucks for choosing the wens because he’s very much of the one track ‘the wens suck’ mind. MY pretends he has no idea what’s going on but he does summon Jin Zixuan on ‘accident’ who shows up, annoyed he had to leave his kid, and is like “are we really going to accuse Nie Mingjue, known Wen hater, of protecting Wei Wuxian and lying about his innocence? Because his sword is the same size as my body and I’d rather Not”

(okay he’s more polite and subtle but that’s the gist) somehow Jin Guangshan dies, I’m voting Yanli poisoned him because I think Meng Yao is 100% willing at this point to simply take the abuse because Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen aren’t essentially telling him to murder his father and that he’s stupid for not holding harder to his morals (sorry NMJ,,, you just,, I love you but MY is hurting and he’s not as stabby as you) NMJ is still very much crankily telling him his dad sucks whenever they meet but Jiang Cheng gets all sparkly whenever MY is around because MY will say he’s Doing Good, so there’s only so much room before JC start just biting anyone who even looks at MY wrong. (NMJ says he’s proud of JC once and JC just starts crying and NMJ UnderstandsTM why MY won’t leave him alone)

But Yanli has to be the one to kill him because MY wouldn’t because he’s a filial son and probably hasn’t lost his hope he will be Loved, Jin Zixuan wouldn’t because he’s like the only one in the entire show not down with murder, Madam Jin is not about to give up the power and money that comes from being the wife of Jin Guangshan even if JZX would take care of her because Yanli clearly is willing to rip everyone apart who fucks with her family and unlike Jiang Cheng is willing to change the status quo, and if JGS dies on a hunt they’ll blame WWX so Yanli just poisons him slowly and he dies from ‘illness’. JZX takes power, Meng Yao is told he’s amazing twelve times a day because JZX can do busy work and argue against anyone but he cannot have a small talk conversation to save his life. Life continues peacefully, Jiang Cheng keeps kidnapping JZX’s advisor because he misses him. Meng Yao knows how to control literally every single great sect but he’s busy chasing down his nephews and helping Jiang Cheng avoid marriage offers to do anything.

Once Jin Guangshan died, LXC and MY both swooped in to have the Wen Remnants moved somewhere else to ‘civilize’ them (using LXC’s own words here) and WWX is very much caught between Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji arguing over who he’s going home with and he’s honestly never felt more Loved TM. WWX spends six months to break the rest of the tiger rally under the grumpy/watchful eye of NMJ who still isn’t happy anyone from the Wen’s is still alive but he’s weak to puppy eyes and also when he’s being strong armed by his sworn brothers, MY, and NHS (though he still keeps an eye on the actual cultivators, he’s pretty much forgotten the rest of the Wen Remnants exist he just cares about the ones who know how to use a sword). Wangxian happens, idk how I’m voting for a wild Jingyi another orphan decides that he wants to meet the Purple Angry Man and body slams into WWX’s legs trying to get to the Purple man and LWJ catches him and it’s a full on romantic moment of staring into each other’s eyes while Jiang Cheng makes disgusted noises and Meng Yao pats his hand and just tells him to accept it.

Or Meng Yao stays in Lotus Pier because Jiang Cheng has problems and Meng Yao loves a messy loudmouth aggressive bitch with a secret heart of gold. Also Jiang Cheng is the exact kind of Demi-aroace dummy to not realize Meng Yao has a crush on LXC and keeps sending him over to Cloud Recesses to help with trade or something and MY gets to hang out with his crush constantly.

MY is Jiang Cheng’s personal advisor since WWX is currently refusing to process his trauma and staying in a very traumatic place. MY does try to help but WWX doesn’t trust him and probably only half trusts him around JC, BUT MY is very good with kids and helps work with JC on how to slip WWX supplies while negotiating directly with Nie and Lan without Jin glaring over him this time, and Jin Zixuan is more than happy to help when he can because again he’s just like the only one with modern morals and wants Lotus Pier to be strong since if all the sects fall then well the fucking demons/ghosts they hunt will eat them. So WWX is slowly atleast not ready to kill him, Meng Yao finds out WWX already destroyed half the Tiger Tally and tries to get him to let NMJ and LXC help him destroy it further (because that ties the three sects closer and so WWX won’t just stab someone if someone isn’t happy about the Wen’s existing)

Yanli poisons Jin Guangshan again because I think that’s the best way for him to go, Meng Yao does grieve but also that lasts for three minutes before Jiang Cheng shows up with some children he found in Yunmeng and Meng Yao needs to explain to him again that just because the kid latches on doesn’t mean you can take them home. But with JGS out of the way it’s a lot easier to strong arm NMJ into letting the Lan take the remnants (JC and NMJ still aren’t happy about it but NMJ can’t fight the three other sects and JC is getting his brother back and he’ll take the Wen living if that means WWX is too) and WWX returns to Lotus Pier. The truth of the golden core comes out probably via WWX having a flashback or panic attack or something (or that one theory of Yanli knowing,,,) words happen, WWX storms off to find LWJ.

Meng Yao wonders why he likes messy cry babies but still helps out Jiang Cheng because they’re technically brother in laws and also because he really does care about him. Wangxian happens and now Jiang Cheng is really pissed but WWX also said he wasn’t going to just up and leave so they’re on a rotating system but honestly everyone’s just waiting for them to move permanently to Lotus Pier because Lan Wangji has this giant hole in his heart for kids who love Wei Wuxian and Lotus Pier is filled with kids who are Jiang and therefore are insane ans love WWX.

Personally I think this one is the least likely but it sounds very nice right?

[meta-enthusiasm]

You know what I am really fucking tired of seeing in popular media?

The "evil, hysterical woman in power" trope. The clichè that potrays women who are in a position of power as overzealous, unhinged, power hungry maniacs who are a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.

Female leaders are shown as less resonable and down to earth as their male counterparts, and are often villainized by either the fandom or the narrative of the story itself. They are doomed to fail because of their womanliness and need to be taken down before they enact their evil plans, preferably by a man, or a woman who performs the 'right' kind of femininity.

This trope relies on the sexist misconception that women are more fragile than men, more emotionally unstable and unpredictable.

"Women aren't cut out to be leaders, they should be nurturing and supportive and tend to their families. Having higher aspirations is against their nature and will eventually break them and drive them crazy."

That type of bullshit that was designed to keep women out of leadership positions and keep oppressing us. To keep us quiet and submissive.

Here are a few examples to further explain this stereotype:

Daenerys Targaryen is one of the most well known characters to fall victim to this trope. She is an abuse and rape victim, seeking to change the current social and political systems of the world because she knows how many people suffer under its injustice. ("Crush the wheel.")

For all her compassion and charity she has shown over the series, the writers decided that it would be reasonable for her to go crazy at the end of the show and, despite promising she wouldn't inflict more damage than necessary, kill thousands of innocent people whose government had already surrendered to her.

And guess who had to kill her in the end? Yup, another man. Her love interest, who was "forced" to betray her.

Next, we have:

Morgana Pendragon, from "Merlin". To remind you, she is an abuse victim who had to endure her father's controlling behavior and bigoted attitude towards people with magic abilities which, suprise suprise, she turned out to have. She had to watch as her father murdered and oppressed people just like herself, and when she challenged that behavior, he would come down hard with punishment. (Going so far as to actually throwing her in the dungeons for a couple days.)

Eventually, she rebelled against the corrupt system and had her genocidal father killed. She led a rebellion against Camelot after Uther's son (Arthur) continued to oppress magicians under his reign, and sought to create a better future for herself and her people.

So far so good, right? Well, no. The problem here is that she is the antagonist of the story. She is portrayed as being in the wrong for not quietly taking the injustice and watching it happen.

Halfway through the show, she becomes obsessed with power and status and desperately chases after the throne of Camelot. She is extremly vindictive, manipulative and cruel to others to archieve her goals. She is a "hysterical woman" who is out of control, emotionally unstable, challenges the patriarchy, and therefore needs to be defeated.

Her death was portrayed as tragic, yet absolutely necessary.

(Of course it had to be a man who killed her.)

Azula is the epitome of this horrid, misogynistic trope. She is a fierce, ambitious leader and highly skilled fire bender, respected and feared among her people. She is highly driven and succeeds at almost everything she sets her mind to.

Ever since she came into this world, she was better at everything than Zuko. She was a better fighter than him, a better bender, better strategist, better child. And that is precisely the reason why she had to lose in the end.

Despite coming from the exact same circumstances as Zuko, the story and the fandom at large see Azula as way less redemable and likable than him. Even though she is an abuse victim whose own mother hated her and is a literal child soldier, she doesn't get any sympathy from the protagonists of the story. The otherwise so understanding and wise Iroh even calls her "crazy", (which is, if you've done some basic research into misogynistic expressions, really fucking problematic.) and tells Zuko that there is no saving her. Why? He doesn't tell, but it's obvious that the writers made him say this because of their own internalized sexist beliefs. She isn't offered a way out of her toxic environment like Zuko was. She didn't get the support from Iroh because he had already given up on her.

To top it off, she has a nervous breakdown near the end and loses her remaining sanity. Because, you know, "She's craaaazy!! And SO unstable!! Typical woman." (Not to mention how this further stigmatizes mental illness and portrays it as something only evil people get.)

She was supposed to become the next fire lord, a position that carries utmost power and influence. Of course, such authority could not be given to a woman. That's why Zuko, a man, gets to be the next fire lord, and we are left assuming Azula will be spending the rest of her days in prison.

The writers assume the audience detests Azula and wants her to suffer. She doesn't deserve a happy ending, or the love and support that Zuko got.

Why? Because she poses a threat to the status quo, the patriarchy. She challenged the belief that men had to be the best and most efficient at everything they do, that women could indeed be better leaders and be happy with having a career and not be nurturing, motherly figures to the men in their lives. And for that transgression, for breaking gender stereotypes, Azula was punished.

(It's also why Katara, someone who performs the "right" kind of femininity by being nurturing, motherly, supportive, healing, doting, and is the care taker of the group, ends up taking Azula, the evil and perverted form of femininity, down. I believe @batboyblog has made a similar post about this.)

This is Carmilla from the popular Netflix show "Castlevania", and if you've payed attention to my previous points, it should be pretty obvious what her character represents and how her story ends.

Note that she is also an abuse and rape survivor who is represented as evil and cruel for being angry at what was done to her.

To top it off, she is also an example of the man hating woman stereotype, whose anger at the misogyny and sexism of the world is portrayed as an "overreaction" and as "too much".

At the end of the story, she had to be taken down by another man (Isaac) so that the status quo could be preserved, and the reign of a crazy bitch like her could be stopped. Horay, the day is saved from yet another unstable, selfish woman who would have brought suffering and pain over her country if allowed to rule. Hysterical women with their demand for equality.

Conclusion:

In all these examples, we can see female abuse victims thriving for power and status, for respect, being represented as something negative and something to avoid. Trying to fundamentally change a system that is rigged against women/female representing people is a fruitless endevour that will eventually fail and drive us crazy, because our minds aren't strong enough to handle this type of responsibility and status.

Holding on to anger and bitterness over what was done to us is the sign of a bad person, and the only morally acceptable path is to forgive/ignore our abusers and let the injustice continue to happen.

Strangely enough though, that same gaslighting, victim blaming mentality gets almost never applied to male characters. Men who seek vengeance are never portrayed as weak or crazy for giving in to the wish of changing a corrupt system/killing bad people. (Batman, the Punisher, Hawkeye, John Wick, Jason Todd, Erin, Scar from FMAB, Iron Man, and so on)

The reason why these stereotypes almost never apply to men but almost always to women is sexism. There is no other explanation for this. These tropes were specifically designed to make society believe that women aren't cut out for leadership positions and are happiest with domestic, easy tasks like watching after our children and taking care of the household.

Women who are angry, women who are dominant are to be feared and distrusted. They are represented as a danger to the general public and need to be taken down before they enact their evil plans.

Feel free to add further examples.

[antiloreolympus]

8 Anti LO Asks

1. as a mythology buff, i honestly think it was really weird of rachel smythe to take Hecate, a goddess who helped Demeter search for Persephone after she vanished and heard her screams and shared in Persephone and Demeter's joy after reuniting... and then just make her into Hades's like... total bro who plays aggressive matchmaker to h/p to the point of trying to break up Hades's current relationship. but honsestly i refuse to believe rachel smythe did literally any research before making this comic judging by how she depicts the mythology she's taking inspiration from so honestly im not suprised

2. I don’t know if anyone on here has discussed this, but LO very much plays into the idea of “good victim vs bad victim”.

A “good victim” has suffered many things, but despite it they still remain cheerful and happy and pleasant, they do not put others out or lash out at them even if they are triggered, they do not become petty or angry or hold onto negative emotions. They, in essence, “get over it”. Thus, the narrative rewards them: they get many friends, a love internet they’re happy with, and a happy ending. This is what Persephone is. She’s the “good victim”. Despite her many hardships, we know she will not suffer in the end. She will get everything she wants and more. 

Then there is Minthe, the “bad victim”. They too have gone through many hardships, but they’ve become cold, angry at the world, they lash out and have trouble opening up and connecting to others, they even hurt others, themselves victims to the toxic pain they can’t get rid it. They do not and have not “gotten over it”.  Thus, the narrative punishes them, even when they try to better themselves. It’s never good enough. These characters often are lonely, the cast are large do not like them if not outright hate them, and they more often than not end up dead. This is what Minthe is. She is not a pleasant person, she’s a victim of a manipulative older man and a cruel, unjust society and system, and we know how her story ends. It’s in pain, her maiming/possible death framed as a joke and not even a genuine hint of sympathy towards her fate. She was a “bad victim”, she “deserved” what she got.

Now, you only often see this in fandom, since the actual works that deal with victims of trauma and how they react will often try to give more nuance to every shade of victim they may have on cast, but it’s very disturbing to me that Rachel seems to eagerly play into this idea, like she gets joy out of punishing a victim she created and watching them suffer even more at her hands. It’d be one thing if she kept Minthe a shallow, one dimensional character who was just evil for the sake of it, fine, but her showing us her actual complex nature and the very real struggles, trauma, and manipulation she went through, especially at the hands of our supposed “heroes” of the story, just to have her demise framed as a win for Persephone and a joke for the audience to laugh at? That’s highly disturbing to me. It’s one thing for fans to act that way, but the writer themselves? It’s very dark, to say the least. 

3. "I'm invested in working with fairy tales and folklore for my next project" oh no no no oh god please no. Fairy tales have been through enough hot takes and modern "betterments", they really don't need Rachel "Apollo is bad, actually" Smythe to add to it

4. Quick question

Greek Mythology is mostly incest.

So what if someone who is actually good at writing and storytelling and consistent artwork

Kept it in

For example Zeus and  Hera arguing like the married couple they are

And Hera uses older sibling card

With Zeus dumbfounded face

I don't know why but I want it but would it be weird since it's incest

Most fanfics always keep it out. Just keep it in if you want it to be closer than the actual methods you know

Hera is youngest daughter of Cronus and Rhea and older than her brother Zeus, who was also her husband.

I want to do it but like I have no clue how to start a webtoon so you know💀

5. Oh god, Hades not needing therapy because Persephone's "love" is enough? To quote my lord and savior Kennie JD: "not the p*$$¥ being therapy!"

6. uuuuuh sexual trauma warning.?

So I was writing a comment on the "Re: bpd" ask and i had a realization about persephone

She reminds me of how I was about the idea of sex

I'm demisexual and have sexual trauma and the idea of sex excited me but I wasn't able to like, do it. Me and my partner would mess around but because Mctrauma i couldn't do it cuz I hadn't exactly worked through my trauma and i wanted to get through that because i was finally experiencing sexual attraction.

Kinda reminds me of Persephone. The problem is at that point it had been 6-7 years since my trauma occurred and persephone's happened like last month.

Considering how everyone talks about persephone being a self insert i think Rachel has some things to work through

Also made the realization literally as im typing that Rachel's attitude towards asexuality could be because she's demi and doesn't fully understand what that is or means

becuase if you're ignorant enough you can 100% end up describing demisexuality as "being asexual and then like, slowly turning gay."

this ask weirdly personal so fuck it this is gonna be anonymous feel free to delete if it makes u uncomfy 

7. That’s also a part about Hubris Rachel clearly doesn’t get: it was always committed by rich, often people in high authority, NEVER lowly farmers or the poorest of ancient society. They always knew better. Niobe was a queen! Minos was a king! Arachne was the rich, spoiled daughter of a really successful merchant. Sisyphus was a cunning king. The trojan war was kicked off by royal drama. The list goes on and on. You have to notice these things and genuinely study the myths or you become like Rachel, who seems convinced the poorest people would be stupid enough to not only defy their bosses, but the gods themselves? They would be the last people to do such a thing! They don’t have the ingrained sense of entitlement and arrogance like the rich and powerful to even dare act like that towards the gods, as is the case with hubris. Because of this, Rachel ends up creating a narrative that the rich and powerful (literal GODS) are the real victims to those cruel, uppity poor people, going as far as to say in comic they deserve to be slaves for hades’ benefit and they’re wrong for ever hating Persephone for, you know, murdering them because she had a bad day! They should know their place! It’s absolutely insane that she doesn’t actually seem to realize what she’s writing. Unless she does, which is an even bigger issue, and shows a really dark look into how she views the world and society and how it should be run. It’s all a bad look. 

8. Have you seen the "The demon, is here in the room right now?" meme

Welp, that's literally Persephone and her "feeling"

I legit saw that video about a dude faking a mental illnes (and seeing a demon that made him do bad things) after he commited a crime and that was so cringy and I can't stop thinking about Persephone confessing her AOW like that

[transrevolutions]

5 8 16 nd 17 fr enjolras!

5. Job/what they're studying: I have trouble pinning down a solid job for Enjolras, for a couple of reasons. One is that he can't work at any kind of large corporate conglomerate, because there is no way that it wouldn't end in him getting fired/arrested.

Legislature/political office is also out, because I set my modern AUs in the US (lame, I know, but I know the political scene of the US better than France or whatever other country you could put them in). In the US, there is no radical mainstream party. There isn't even a leftist party. You straight-up cannot get elected if you're anything further left than a social democrat, and even then you will have a very hard time with it. Enjolras in current US government would also be arrested/fired/assassinated very quickly, if he could even get elected in the first place.

Enjolras isn't opposed to legislative reform as a channel (unlike, say, Bahorel, who thinks the entire system is fucked to the core and needs to be torn up like pavement, no more questions) but he's very... St-Just about it? He's not going to settle, he's not going to compromise his ideals to appear palatable to the moderates. He does not mince words, and it is very, very hard to manipulate him. (Conversely, he does not like to manipulate people! He wants the common people to believe in what he's saying because it's right, not because they were tricked.) In another world, where we did have a functioning and decent government system, maybe, but in this world, no.

I think, in the current world, the only job he could realistically hold down would be in some sort of NGO. Grassroots work, activism, organizing, getting down to the core of the issue and helping fix it, that is where Enjolras is going to be able to land. Les Amis are an activist group, but it's not paid work, and Enjolras, as much as he hates it, knows he needs to pay the rent somehow. Capitalist monetary systems, he hates thee but he uses thee.

For studying, I think he majors in some sort of political/human rights area. This is his passion, it's exhausting sometimes, but it's important, and he's not one to shy away from something just because it's uncomfortable. For his minor, though, I like to think he chooses revolutionary history of some kind. Again, not the most fun minor, per se, but he finds it interesting, intellectually stimulating, and (somewhat rare for him!) occasionally truly amusing in its anecdotes.

8. Hobbies: Enjolras is not a very socially well-adjusted person. If you ask him about a pop culture figure, he likely will stare at you blankly. Ask him what he enjoys doing, he'll probably confusedly fumble for a bit before quickly changing the subject. He has hobbies, but all of them tend to tie into his greater passion of bringing about systemic change. He likes to read philosophy- but he uses it to get ideas and perspectives on human nature and society! He enjoys history- but as a way to explore societal constructs and eras of upheaval. He likes to play games- but nine times out of ten he'll eventually segue into political rhetoric! He likes oratory and debate- but his speeches are always about the topic of sociopolitical activism. It's not really an on purpose thing, just that it all ties back into that part of his brain.

Is this 100% healthy? No, probably not. But is there realistically anything he can cognitively do to not be this way? No, there really isn't. "Severe in his enjoyments" is a very good way to put this, actually.

(One thing: Enjolras can sing. Quite well. But he's not going to sing in front of other people. He's just not. That's not him. That's a side of himself that he doesn't quite know how to express. I think, of the Amis, Ferre and Courf have heard him sing, maybe Feuilly or Jehan, and, once they reach a certain point, probably R. If Ep's heard him, he didn't know she was listening. Is it a hobby if he's almost ashamed of doing it?)

16. Strange obsession: The French Revolution! This is actually canon, albeit a bit less strange in 1832 than it would be today. He is fascinated by revolution in general, and he likes the French one because it was the first. (Sorry America, yours is a war of seccession, technically speaking. Actually, not sorry at all.) They did not have the benefit of hindsight that other revolutions had. The people of the French Revolution, in general, really and truly wanted to make things better for people.

People will ask him what he thinks about the violence/"Reign of Terror" and he will say one of a few things. If he knows you well and/or you seem to genuinely be asking in good faith, he'll go into the well-rehearsed explanation of how hindsight and precedent impacts social movements, of the very unusual political conditions leading to the time period, the results of English and Thermidorian propaganda, and the demonization of revolutionary violence, and the exaggeration thereof. If you're trying to 'gotcha' him, he'll either give a short version of the above with a "please go read a book instead of Wikipedia" tacked onto the end (if he's in a good mood) or "actually, I think the Montagnards didn't go far enough" and then stand back and watch their expression of horror (if he's in a bad mood; he doesn't actually really think this in the way they mean, he does not think excessive violence is necessary in all cases, he just... can't deal with the shitheads sometimes.)

Grantaire jokes that if you want to find him in a crowd, all you need to do is shout "Robespierre was an evil dictator" and he'll materialize right next to you to beat the shit out of you. He's not entirely wrong.

(Pre-college/Pre-Amis Enjolras would consider sociopolitics as his strange obsession, because everyone shits on him and mocks him for it mercilessly. But high school Enjolras is a very isolated, traumatized, and bullied teenager. Once he gets to college, once he gets out of his little town and he gets his autonomy, things get a little better. He's not completely alone, there are other people who care.)

17. Biggest secret: This one really depends at which time of his life you're looking at. For elementary-middle school Enjolras, it would be whatever thing he's doing that got him in trouble, because he thought it was the right thing but the powers-that-be disagreed. For high school Enjolras, it's his loneliness, his anger, the crushing betrayal he feels every time nobody stands up for him and nobody helps him. He can't blame them- the system is fucked and they're just trying to survive- but he does. He just can't help it. But the biggest one, really, for Enjolras post high school, is that he's autistic.

He's not ashamed of it, really, it's just that whenever he tells someone, things go badly. There's a stigma, there's enormous amounts of harassment, there's people refusing to listen, there's stereotypes and internalized shit and all that, there's people claiming his aromanticism is only because he's neurodivergent, there's people saying that he only cares about the things he does because he's crazy, and he just can't deal with that on top of everything.

It takes years before he tells Les Amis. His childhood and adolescence is something that he wants to cut out and leave behind. He is terrified that if he tells his friends, they will start treating him like a pet. After all, that's how everyone else responds, and the definition of insanity is to do the same thing multiple times and expect different results. He finally, finally has the family he dreamed of all those nights alone, why risk ruining it?

[lover-of-trash-and-people]

bittersweet netflix shadow and bone finale (s1 e8) rewatch; accoutrement: white wine with ice cubes in it (no YOU'RE a mom drink shh)

my wine's like fruity I love her

light and darkness title card we love to see it

Inej looking at Alina before she goes below deck to hide <3

okay that 'what can you really do on your own' was like not fun that shit hurted

okay but Jesper's 'not enough'? <3

oh no my baby Zoya's first inkling that Darkles does not really care

omg Helnik just appeared and I remembered how much heartbreak I have to face in this episode

gods I love Danielle as Nina so so much

'this can't be it' said she with her pleading smile with downturned eyebrows MA'AM I-

don't break my dumb little heart

I might hate Calahan's little accent but they're making me tear up

oh gods I literally cannot keep a hold on myself when Dani's accent bleeds through with full force, it's like she comes more alive or smth

'I will keep you warm' SIR WHAT-

I am surprised they showed a leaning in for a kiss so soon but I'm not mad about it

her little eyebrow twitch at 'what are waffles'

when that rando said 'i hunt slavers now' a dread settled into me because I knew what was about to go down

Matthias looking somberly at the stuffed wolf's head </3

I am so incredibly entranced by this exchange between Fedyor and Nina and what it represents, it's very interesting that they pushed up their storyline to match with the timeline

damn it's kind of jarring to be back in the Fold

'REMEMBER WHO'S DRIVING'??!!!! *you better stop* meme, *i am, disgusted* meme, *oh wow, oh wow* meme

Mal you fucking idiot you could never take the crows by surprise

the music rising as Kaz starts explaining his thought process, fucking perfection

haha Mal bitchass Inej caught you

'Because if he isn't with Kirigan's crew, he's with ours' WHEN I TELL YOU I SCREAMED

'And why would we destroy the Fold? It's the greatest weapon we've got' valid point at the moment but you know I don't necessarily agree with your methods

the use of the light tunnel in the show instead of Alina just being a super flashlight in the books is quite an interesting addition as well

is this an inappropriate time to point out how pretty Ben Barnes is

okay I kind of love the depiction of the shadow powers okay sue me

'they are traitors who tried to kill you' why are you suddenly making valid points despite having kind of committed low scale genocide

'i never said I was smart' YES MAL BE THE VOICE OF HIMBOS EVERYWHERE

Kaz's face going from 'can you believe this idiot' at Mal to 'fuck me I'm gonna do the same thing aren't I' at Inej

'For who would oppose us now?' *himbo romantic rival appears out of nowhere and shoots at him* god I love this show

him standing calmly in his ridiculous all black attire after nodding at his soldier to stop the himbo in his tracks, i fucking can't

could she summon light without the Darkling making her after he put the collar on her until the uhm moment in the books? idts but in the show she can hmm

'only because I'm not in the game' you tell him Jesper

not me snickering at 'you'll be seen not as a saviour, but as a heretic' LMFAO

'Shame. I'll have to give that speech again now.' THIS SHOW IS A FUCKING COMEDY AND YOU CAN'T PROVE ME WRONG

YES LET'S FUCKING GO SULI SOLIDARITY

Darkles casually whipping the Cut out like a shuriken or a throwing knife at Jesper because he shot at him lmao I can't

INEJ FUCKING GHAFA STABBED ONE THE OLDEST AND MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE IN THAT WORLD AND THAT IS VERY TELLING OF HER POWER

that moment where you actually think that affected him despite having read the books and watched the show

and then he has to go and fucking say 'it will take more than this' and I can't be help but be a little bit impressed at this old fool's resilience

throwback to when he said 'the king is a child' sir you make some valid points sometimes and it does make it difficult to hate you

I would just like to inform everyone that it is currently 6:09 am IST and I am sipping my second mug of wine while watching netflix sab for the second time instead of doing my three papers that are due tomorrow

I'm sorry but Inej jumping to check on Zoya after she gets knocked over by the volcra? first class display of solidarity and sisterhood as well as Inej's inherent kindness

Kaz jumping in front of a FUCKING VOLCRA AND STABBING IT WITH HIS CANE to save Inej, you best believe love is true, kids

god the volcra are so ugly and gross, they did such a good job with them

they kind of remind me of these creatures (I think they might have been called Hollows or smth) from the Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children movie

STAG VISION TIME

despite my dislike for the callous nature with which the stag plotline was handled, I kind of dig the stag vision scene

'It's just me and you now, Alina. And we're all we need, anyway.' I actually feel bad for this old fool simping for this wonderful gorgeous powerful woman despite lying to her and manipulating her and exploiting her power

okay 'I never needed you' *stabs the bone fragment out of his hand* beautiful power move I fucking love you so so much

alright ben looking like ✨ that✨ not only in physical pain but also emotional pain at what the Darkling clearly considers another betrayal from this girl he wants to give the world and maybe? loves? maybe? or at least has feelings for makes my fucking heart hurt while simultaneously soar at Alina taking back control and reclaiming her power as her own and stepping into her own

'how do you claim such power' okay could have had better dialogue there writers

the fucking score lifting as she says 'you cannot claim what was not given to you' good people my heart is full

one day I'll talk about my defense of the chosen one trope because god damn I kind of love it

hmm I wonder was that brief hesitation that we saw on Alina's face due to her thinking about the 'you chose to betray our people' comment or the 'i was trying to save us' comment because that will define some of her actions in the later seasons (hopefully god if we get some, I honestly don't know what with this stupid brownface debacle)

I'm not saying talking about brownface and pointing out that it is wrong (for further context, I am actually brown) and harmful is stupid btw I'm talking about the incidents involving brownface in question

I don't wanna talk about this anymore but I might feel like I need to and end up posting about it idk

goodness Ivan actually believing in this cause makes me so sad because he too has been victimized by the system that ostracizes Grisha and he has every right to feel the way that he does

Ben actually fighting in that ridiculously heavy cloak and kefta when he's about to turn 40 this year makes me super impressed because I as a 19 year old sometimes wake up with muscle pulls after weeks of inactivity it's weird idk

also I understand that this Mal Darkling fight is completely fanservice and serves nearly no purpose to the plot in general but like I? love it?

'I don't have to kill you Darkling. Your past will do it for me' YES HIMBO GO OFF YOU TELL THAT OLD MAN GODS THAT WAS SEXY AS FUCK

maybe it's because I know Darkles will survive and will come out of it more powerful but I can't get myself to feel bad for him at the moment

Inej and Mal tearing up at Alina's condition made me almost feel something despite it being super obvious she was gonna be fine and save their asses at the last moment

HER POWER

a solitary Kaz in spotted on the western side of the newly expanded fold in his signature all black emo boy look

okay but the crows with zoya and malina is such an adorable team? I literally love them so much?

INEJ'S FUCKING SMILE AT ALINA GIVING HER THE DAGGER AND KAZ LOOKING AT HER AGSGSGSHSJSJSK MY HEART CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE

SHE KNOWS JUST WHAT TO NAME IT WELL GIRLIE I KNOW IT TOO AND MY FUCKING HEART IS LITERALLY GONNA BURST

okay I know they had one interaction but Mal and Jesper would be besties in another universe

Kaz glaring at Jesper when he answers ''course not' to Alina's 'will you still be trying to kidnap me?' tell me one fucking adaptation that got the dynamics between characters this perfectly

okay why do I love that Alina kept the jewellery as maybe a small nod to she has the wits to, um, you know, I don't wanna say steal, but, um, yeah, steal it because she knew she would need money to survive on the run

oh Jessie I love you so much I wish you hadn't said those things on you ig story about the brownface

it's like every single celeb I grow attached to god's like nope that one is going to do or say something problematic (hey btw im not reassigning blame to god for stuff people have done out of their own free will, 'twas a joke)

AAAAAAAH them saying 'the deal is the deal' in the show even though they didn't have to but like they did and I love them for it

Inej literally not being able to not stare at Kaz's face and smile after this <3

'I didn't expect it to burn at all. But it can be destroyed in the end. Just like him' babe you're not wrong but like um just you wait

god Mal being on supportive boyfie mode is well, absolutely adorable, obviously, but I wish we got to see more of him as a person outside of his attachment to Alina

kaz my little demjin I wish you hadn't have had to suffer so much to meet the crows and find your calling

fastforwarding Zoya's arc is also an interesting choice to me

I wish the hug hadn't been done though, it didn't feel earned

maybe Alina awkwardly and half-heartedly (remember, at this point the alliance is fresh and they still don't entirely trust each other) reached for a hug and Zoya avoided her? and then the rest of Zoya's lines followed? that would have made more sense to me at least

I love Sujaya as well, she brought life into Zoya with whatever little screentime and scraps of writing she got

inej asking kaz 'what's your angle?' beep bop bleep morp I sense another incoming embarrassing love confession

'but we do need you' *stares at her face intensely* 'I need you' ah look at the clock, look's like it's time to screech and flap your arms like you're a volcra because you're incapable of containing your emotions

NO YOU CAN'T GO DIRECTLY FROM KANEJ PROGRESS TO HELNIK BREAKUP (TEMPORARY, MIND YOU)

helnik my loves you don't deserve this I'm so sorry for both of you

Matthias fucking smiling ruefully while he says 'this was... just a cruel joke all along' THIS IS NOT FUCKING OKAY

omg hellgate

AAAAAAAAH NINA IS ON THE SAME FRAME AS THE OG CROWS I CAN'T HANDLE THIS

CAMERA PAN FROM KAZ SAYING 'JUST HOW THIS ALL STARTED... WE'RE GONNA NEED A HEARTRENDED' TO NINA OVERHEARING HIM AND LOOKING OVER?????!!!!!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING THIS TO ME?!

Nina genuinely being curious as to the status of the sun saint because she obviously still cares

Also, 'But she is a Saint' okay Kaz trying to earn brownie points you have succeeded

DID THAT SAILOR JUST SAY 'GOED MORGEN FENTOMEN' TO MALINA BECAUSE I AM NOT OKAY WITH THEM JUST THROWING THAT IN MY FACE ALL OF A SUDDEN

gods I know I'll probably see them again but my heart is full of sorrow as my eyes drink in the sight of my crows for the last time for a while

I know people were annoyed at the meadow flashbacks but guess what? as a darklina, I loved them

'now that the Darkling is dead' could have phrased that a little differently my dudes that line needed to hold more weight

am I glad that they showed Darkles in this state with his nichevo'ya as a tasty little cliffhanger despite not being entirely true to the source material? maybe but only because Ben Barnes saying 'follow' and the nichevo'ya doing exactly so sent a chill down my spine

well, that's it for now, I'll have to move on I guess, get back to my real life which I'm obviously not ready to do

thank you to whoever actually read these things

I probably should have just made reactions or commentary videos instead but I'm lazy

my tumblr will probably go into inactivity once more as I emerge from my stint in the grishaverse

it was quite short (less than 2 months), considering the length of my other obsessions but it was definitely more intense than the other ones

[lizziestudieshistory]

Books of 2021 - Words of Radiance by Brandon Sanderson

It’s probably time to admit what is probably my most unpopular opinion about the Cosmere: I hate Words of Radiance. It’s the book I have to slog my way through to get to Oathbringer. Part of my dislike is heavily linked to my disillusionment about Shallan… However, I do think the big moments in this book – most notably the duel scene and final battle – cloud people to the genuine faults in it. It is a technical step up from The Way of Kings, but there are huge parts of this book that are unnecessarily slow to read and there is a huge thematic drop that starts in this book that I cannot forgive Sanderson for. I also dislike a lot of the individual plotlines, major characters are barely in this book, and a lot of the big reveals/developments feel unearned because they had to happen in this book so we could get on with the more important conflicts in the rest of the series.

This review has spoilers for The Stormlight Archive, you have been warned.

Structure and Plot

I don’t want to touch on the structure too much because a lot of my niggles for The Way of Kings continue into Words of Radiance. All of these books have too much fat around them – the interludes continue to feel irrelevant; the main bulk of the book is drawn out slightly too much; and the flashbacks are merely okay, they haven’t reached the level of Oathbringers’ flashback sequence yet. However, Sanderson does make some serious improvements in this book.

Shallan, our focus character, does have a much more interesting backstory and the flashbacks have slightly more bearing on the present-day plotline. However, for me, they lose interest on subsequent rereads and there are slightly too many of them that don’t add any new information once we’re aware of how terrible her family life is. They are an improvement on Kaladin’s, and I like them a lot more, however, considering how much we STILL don’t know about Shallan (as of Rhythm of War) Sanderson could have utilised them better in this book. Saying this, I do remember really liking the flashbacks on my first read, so I really do think my current negativity is a product of having read this book one too many times? I’m going to hold off on Sanderson for a couple of years after this reread so (if I remember) I’ll come back and reevaluate how I feel about Shallan’s flashbacks with a fresher eye.

Sanderson also gets us into this book a lot quicker than he did in The Way of Kings. Jasnah’s prologue is one of my favourites in the series so far, and part one does hit the ground running. It sucks the reader back into the world, refamiliarised with the essentials of the story, as well as introducing the next leg of the plot. It’s a fabulous introduction and it’s one of the strongest first parts in the series as a whole.

Unfortunately, the pacing doesn’t reflect this strong introduction – once Shallan loses Jasnah’s guidance, and Kaladin is established as Dalinar’s guard the book dramatically slows down. Kaladin’s chapters, while slow, have some differentiation to break them up with Bridge Four learning how to be guards. Shallan’s turns into an interminable slog across the countryside. One of the things I loathe in fantasy are the long journeys with nothing going on – sometimes they can be done beautifully. For example, I love Sam and Frodo’s section in The Two Towers, but Shallan’s is just painful. Sam and Frodo’s journey is so fascinating because of the internal struggle they are going through (together and separately), it’s atmospheric and powerful because of its character work. Yes they are trying to get to Mordor, but the goal isn’t what matters here – it’s whether Sam and Frodo can survive the journey, and what state they will be in when they get there.

Shallan’s journey is clearly a way to get her to the Shattered Plains in the right circumstances and it shows. We’re journeying from A to B, with a few obstacles thrown in. There is some development from Shallan as she learns the basics to being a conwoman from Tyn. However, again this is something thrown in to keep Shallan’s point of view interesting while she’s riding through the countryside. It’s not vital character growth that can only be done at this point in the journey. If we’re going to slog it through the wilderness there needs to be a point to it that can only be learnt from showing such a long journey – otherwise cut down Shallan’s chapters in this section and only show the necessary highlights, while hinting at the longer journey through her internal reflections.

I’m also just going to throw out that I was bored in part three – the end of this part is phenomenal, and contains the famous duel scene with Adolin and Kaladin, which is one of the highlights of the whole series. However, the build up to this scene is repetitive and a bit dull in places? It’s possibly because I’m not a huge fan of Shallan and Kaladins’ arcs in this book. I’ve never liked the Ghostbloods plotline (and it’s only gotten worse with the Thaidakar reveal in Rhythm of War), Shallan’s romance with Adolin is slightly cringey, and I’m going to have a rant about the Kaladin/Moash conflict when I get to writing about Kaladin’s character. The main plotlines in this book are a bit…painful? They scream filler for a lot of part three – I don’t necessarily mind it; I actually like the conflict between Adolin and Kaladin because it does make sense for both characters. It doesn’t do much except build a camaraderie between them and develop their characters, but there are a few too many scenes of it, along with the painful romance scenes. Sorry, romance isn’t Sanderson’s strong point…

Prose

Still painful, still don’t love it. I do think there is a slight improvement between The Way of Kings and Words of Radiance because there aren’t any egregious moments that stand out to me in this book. Some moments, such as Kaladin’s first flight through the chasms and then when he’s flying with Syl over the Shattered Plains, even stand out as highlights for Sanderson’s writing – I really feel Kaladin’s joy and sense of freedom. There are some lovely moments in this book, and it does mark an improvement in Sanderson’s writing style! However, I’m still not a fan of Sanderson’s prose as a whole, it still feels clunky in places, and I’d prefer it to be a little bit more refined. This is very much a personal preference complaint though, as I stressed in my The Way of Kings review.

Magic System

I should probably discuss Sanderson’s magic system in the Stormlight Archive at this point, especially as it’s becoming more and more relevant as we continue into the series.

So, for those of you who are reading this without having read the book (why?!), Stormlight is dominated by a hard magic system called Surgebinding. Human Surgebinders (I’ll probably discuss the Singer’s surgebinding abilities in a later review) are members of one of the ten orders of the Knight’s Radiant: Windrunners, Skybreakers, Dustbringers, Edgedancers, Truthwatchers, Lightweavers, Elsecallers, Willshapers, Stonewards, and Bondsmiths. Each order possess the ability to manipulate two of the ten surges using Stormlight to power their abilities:

Windrunners: adhesion and gravitation

Skybreakers: gravitation and division

Dustbringers: division and abrasion

Edgedancers: abrasion and progression

Truthwatchers: progression and illumination

Lightweavers: illimitation and transformation

Elsecallers: transformation and transportation

Willshapers: transportation and cohesion

Stonewards: cohesion and tension

Bondsmiths: tension and adhesion

They also gain magical armour and weapons known as Shardplate and Shardblades, although when each order gets their plate and plate depends on the order and spren/nahel bond. The order of the Radiant will depend on what oaths they swear and what type of spren they are bonded to:

Windrunners: honorspren

Skybreakers: highspren

Dustbringers: ashspren

Edgedancers: cultivationspren

Lightweavers: cryptics (“liespren”)

Elsecallers: inkspren

Willshapers: lightspren

Stonewards: peakspren

Bondsmiths: the Stormfather, Nightwatcher, or the Sibling (I don’t think we have a spren category for these three)

In Words of Radiance, we get the most insight into Windrunners and Lightweavers through Kaladin and Shallan, respectively, so I’m going to focus on these orders. This does actually work well because the Windrunners and Lightweavers can represent the two “styles” of orders quite well, each one being fairly structured or esoteric respectively.

Kaladin’s Windrunner powers are the most stereotypical magical ability – using gravitation Kaladin can fly, well technically fall in any direction, but the effect is the same. We see him using his powers to soar through the skies above the Shattered Plains, and run on walls. The effect is incredibly cinematic to read (although I suspect it would look ridiculous if poorly adapted into a visual medium) and enhances Kaladin’s status as an ‘action hero’. His other ability, adhesion, is slightly less dramatic – at least when it’s used straightforwardly. He can stick things together, or draw objects towards something else, including people, with magical superglue.

However, Kaladin’s, and the rest of the Knights Radiants’, powers are connected to the oaths he swears and his bond with Sylphrena (Syl). The Knights are granted the ability to surgebind and control their powers through 5 oaths, each order has different oaths but the first is universal: ‘Life before Death, Strength before Weakness, Journey before Destination’. In Kaladin’s case his oaths are connected to protecting others, which does slightly excuse Kaladin’s “saving people thing” and inability to let it go if people he cares about die. Whether Kaladin keeps his oath depends on whether Syl, his bonded Honorspren, best friend, and a tiny piece of divinity in her own right, agrees whether he is keeping them in spirit – something we explore at length with Kaladin’s plotline in this book.

Shallan’s Lightweaver powers are also incredibly visual, especially as she spends all of this book focusing on illumination, which gives her the ability to shape Stormlight into realistic illusions. Her abilities are particularly useful for subterfuge and lies as Shallan can use them on herself to change her appearance, or on their own to make it appear as if something is there when it’s not. Her other ability – soulcasting, the surge of transformation – still hasn’t been explored as of Rhythm of War. Soulcasting changes one substance into another, but exactly how it works and the extent of its power is still uncertain. However, from what we’ve seen through Jasnah, who also has the ability, it is overpowered and very cool.

Shallan’s oaths are less obvious than Kaladin’s and it’s hard to tell what oath she’s on by the end of the book – although this is also heavily linked to Shallan’s backstory and developments in her character in later books,Shallan is definitely a non-standard Radiant! Her oaths, after the initial oath, are made up of truths about herself. She speaks her truths to her spren, Pattern, in order to progress as a Radiant. Her oaths also force her to develop as a person, which has been a painful process because Shallan has been lying to herself since she was a child and doesn’t want to admit what she’s done.

The magic system is clearly very complicated, and we still don’t know everything about it, six of the ten orders haven’t been explored through their specific books, and even the orders we have seen a lot from through our viewpoint characters are shrouded in mystery – I’m still not entirely sure what Bondsmiths do despite having the Bondsmith book (Oathbringer) because the order is so esoteric. It’s well drawn and compelling, especially as Sanderson uses the progression of the Knights as a mystery throughout the books. Despite not being that interested in hard magic systems the magic in this book is interesting and I really like the structure around the Radiants – it also makes for interesting discussion, debates, and Harry Potter style quizzes in the fandom, which is fun!

Characters and Plotlines

Kaladin, Syl, and Moash – Unfortunately, my new found love of Kaladin was tried in this novel because Kaladin REALLY gets on my nerves in Words of Radiance. It’s not because I disagree with Kaladin per se… I actually agree with a lot of Kaladin’s anger, resentment, and sense of injustice with the social system in Vorin/Alethi society. Kaladin has a right to feel angry and seek retribution for what was done to him, and Bridge Four.

However, Kaladin walks around with a massive chip on his shoulder in this book, particularly in how he talks to and thinks about Dalinar and his immediate family. His motivation I can understand and sympathise with, but the impression of ‘I’m so hard done to, the world is against me’ that Kaladin radiates in this book feels completely at odds with the reality of his situation. Yes, Kaladin has a right to be angry. Yes, he has a right to seek justice. But there is no reason he should be so personally antagonistic towards everyone because of their social position. He is in a position of power, he’s outside the social hierarchy to a large extent, and in control of his own life (and the lives of the ex-Bridgecrews). Kaladin is angry at everyone and everything, but he’s losing the justification for a lot of his resentment, particularly when it’s expressed towards Dalinar and his sons.

In particular I have an issue with Kaladin’s main plotline around Moash and the attempt to assassinate Elhokar. Aside from the fact I hate Moash, to the extent where Moash could be dropped from the books without resolution and I wouldn’t bat an eye (sorry Moash fans - I’ve never liked him…), this plotline just doesn’t feel right for Kaladin’s character. It actually feels like a betrayal of the character we got to know in The Way of Kings and continue with in Oathbringer/Rhythm of War. I can’t see a world where Kaladin Stormblessed is okay with murder or assassination.

Kaladin’s whole deal is honour and justice - justice as in what’s morally right (legality is another thing entirely!) He also wants to protect everyone, including Syl - Syl perhaps above everyone else as Tien is dead - but this plot is something she explicitly isn’t comfortable with and is concerned about. I CAN see a world where Kaladin pursues a plan to see Elhokar removed from power, but not assassinated. The argument about Elhokar’s removal being like removing a gangrenous limb (or whatever the exact metaphor was) doesn’t hold up for his character.

What makes this whole plotline worse is it doesn’t really lead anywhere, other than placing Moash on the opposite side to Kaladin in the upcoming war. All that we really get from it is confirmation that Kaladin is a Windrunner to the core (which we already knew) and Moash is on whatever side Kaladin isn’t because they’re foils for each other. However, the only real outcome of this entire 1,000 page plotline is Moash is maneuvered into position for his arc in Oathbringer, and Kaladin gets to swear his third ideal. Yet Kaladin’s perspective doesn’t radically change and quite frankly working out the third ideal could have been done in another way, without betraying Kaladin’s character for two thirds of a book. It was there to conveniently get a few characters where they needed to be for the next book, and to let Kaladin have another superhero moment. I love Kaladin superhero moments as much as anyone else - I just wish it wasn’t prefaced with this plotline.

One thing I really don’t understand - and is why I dislike this plotline so much - is why we’re stressing so much on a Kaladin-Moash friendship anyway. They don’t feel like friends! Honestly, this is a larger problem with Bridge Four as a whole - their friendship with Kaladin doesn’t feel earnt. Well no, Rock, Teft, and Lopen do. But the larger part of Bridge Four feels like they’re just there? They definitely feel like they’re friends with each other, but not necessarily with Kaladin. 

I’ve already confessed that I’m not the biggest fan of Bridge Four at the best of times because they feel like a sports team underdog narrative, which is honestly my worst nightmare of a storyline. However, I DO want to see Sanderson actually show Kaladin being friends with them, especially as they are such a huge part of his motivation to protect. We have one scene - the bar scene - with a few of them acting like a genuine friendship group. Yet this doesn’t make for a genuine friendship, we need more little moments throughout the book, including Kaladin. 

Sanderson does improve on the Bridge Four dynamic, Oathbringer and Rhythm of War make me feel like Bridge Four are genuine mates a lot more than Words of Radiance does. However, for this book we do need to see Kaladin and Moash as real friends, maybe even as close as brothers, for the Elhokar assassination plotline to work. But we don’t! It’s easier for me to believe Adolin and Kaladin’s friendship than Moash and Kaladin! And Adolin and Kaladin spend most of this book bickering…

I think the real issue with this plotline is the execution. The way Kaladin’s character has been established, the lack of page time spent on Bridge Four as a whole and Moash in particular, and ultimately small outcomes for this plotline makes it feel tedious and slightly pointless. Sanderson needed to increase the REAL stakes - there was no way Kaladin was really going to lose his status as a radiant, just for narrative reasons - and work on the emotional impact. We need to believe Kaladin would really go through with the assassination, and his friendship with Moash before getting to this plotline. But as we don’t, or at least I don’t, feel this so Kaladin’s anger and it’s consequential plotline ends up frustrating me to the point where Kaladin is on thin ice for a lot of this novel.

Shallan - Okay, I’m going to address the elephant in the room later - the elephant is Shallan and the “Boots scene” if you weren’t aware. However, I do have a few other complaints about Shallan in this book. 

My main issue with Shallan, excluding the classism I’m addressing later, is that a lot of her character feels unearned (in this book specifically not as a general rule.) Not in the sense that her powers feel unearned, or her backstory isn’t believable (which I really love), but her achievements and relationships in Words of Radiance feel cheap. There are several moments that stick out to me as being particularly annoying.

Firstly, Shallan’s ability to control Tvlakv, Tyn, and the merchant caravans. Personally, I find this whole situation ridiculous when I think about it. I can go along with Shallan being able to get to the Shattered Plains miraculously meeting the slave trader who sold Kaladin. However, the fact Shallan is apparently capable of manipulating Tvlakv into taking her there with very little conflict is ludicrous. 

Shallan’s a shipwrecked, fairly middling noble with few resources at her immediate disposal, and a somewhat shy (if on later acquaintance bubbly) personality. It doesn’t make sense to me that she can have this influence over Tvlakv. Yes she’s been taught by Jasnah, and yes she does have some confidence/authority from her own position as a lighteyes. However, I’m really struggling to believe that, at this point in her story, she is a good enough actress to pull off an aloof lighteyed woman of significant enough rank to make Tvlakv do what she wants, especially when they’ve met in the middle of nowhere and Shallan has no other options. 

My second issue with this is with Adolin and Sabarial. Adolin also falls into my larger complaints about Sanderson’s romances, which are by far the weakest elements in any of his books. However, let’s start with Sabarial: 

So… Why the hell does Sabarial take her in? It makes ZERO sense. The ‘because it annoys Dalinar’ argument just doesn’t cut it, and neither does the ‘Sabarial is so weird’ perspective. As bonkers as he appears on the surface, we know Sabarial is a shrewd businessman. He’s lazy, but also a clever and manipulative leader, he doesn’t do anything without getting something in return. However, he doesn’t get anything from taking Shallan in except the satisfaction of getting one up on Dalinar? She doesn’t even do his accounts properly! It feels like an inconsistent character move that is only there to suit the storytelling and give Shallan more freedom, rather than demonstrate Sabarial's motivations. 

Okay Adolin is both better and worse than Sabarial. I can genuinely understand why Adolin likes Shallan so much and vice versa. I love the relationship they have once it’s been established - they’re good for each other (well I think Adolin is better for Shallan than she is for him, but the point stands.) However, it’s just so insta-lovey! They just meet and it’s like the heavens aligned, and a perfect relationship blossoms. It’s not quite that fast, but it’s pretty quick. And I just don’t buy that initial push into their bond.

I just find this initial meeting and first couple of dates unbelievable? It’s also very cringey… I can’t read some of their ‘banter’ because it’s painful for me at this point - I’m literally Kaladin whenever he has to watch them together. It’s the worst combination of Sanderson’s sense of humour, his poor romances, and annoyingly quirky characters. By Oathbringer I do think they have a good, settled relationship going on, but in this book I really dislike the way it’s sparked. (I’m also questioning why Adolin doesn’t seem to be mourning Jasnah and is going out on dates? It just seems off to me!)

Honestly, I could probably live with both of these aspects if it wasn’t for the final, most egregious issue I have with Shallan in Words of Radiance. Her discovering Urithiru.

I cannot stress enough how much I HATE that Shallan discovered the Oathgate on the Shattered Plains. The other successes feel unrealistic and unearnt but are ultimately small moments that would have to happen in some form - Shallan has to get to the Shattered Plains, and she has to meet/fall in love with Adolin. They’re irritating in how they’re executed but are ultimately okay instagatory moments.

On the other hand, finding Urithiru is one of the biggest moments in the whole series! It’s a significant part of the climax of the whole book! Without it we’d be reading a very different series in Oathbringer and beyond. But giving this huge moment to Shallan is completely out of proportion to the work she’s put in. Yes, Shallan has been looking for it for a few months, she wants to continue Jasnah’s work. However, Jasnah has been slaving away at this for YEARS, literally YEARS. Why does Shallan get this moment of triumph? It’s completely unwarranted for what she’s done, especially as she literally couldn’t have done it without Jasnah’s research. It just pisses me off that we seem to give all the credit to her when, in reality, she drew a map.

I think this annoys me so much because Sanderson went down the ‘kill the mentor’ trope for this book. There was actually very little reason to remove Jasnah in the way he did in Words of Radiance - Shallan could have easily been ignored by Jasnah once they reached Shattered Plains as she’s dealing with the high stakes politics/war effort with Dalinar, leaving Shallan to get embroiled with the Ghostbloods and Adolin. This would have left small amounts of time to see them working together on their scholarship, whilst also giving Shallan room to grow. Using ‘kill the mentor’ AND having Jasnah return from the ‘dead’ felt cheap the first time around (nevermind this one!) whilst achieving very little that couldn’t have been done in other ways.

Overall, I just think Sanderson overplays Shallan’s competence in this book. She’s still a 17/18 year old girl and he’s overdoing it with her abilities that aren’t related to her Radiant powers. The discoveries she makes don’t live up to her reality of character and I find it irritating.

I’ve said a lot that is negative about Shallan - I do get more positive after this book, so that’s something I guess? Nevertheless, I do want to say one thing I really love about Shallan and this book is her backstory. Apart from Dalinar, Shallan has the best backstory out of the main characters we’ve seen so far. The abuse from her father, casual cruelty and neglect within her family, and Shallan’s own darkness is fascinating to read about - if slightly distressing. I don’t have much to say about it as a whole because I think it’s very effective in adding a darker layer into Shallan’s character, as well as being a much more interesting story than Kaladin’s was in The Way of Kings.

Sanderson hasn’t quite mastered the interweaving of the flashbacks into the main storyline in Words of Radiance, then again Oathbringer was exceptionally good in comparison to all the other books for this aspect. However, the Words of Radiance flashbacks are a marked improvement and made for a great way to deepen Shallan’s character past the hints we’d seen in her chapters in the first book. I think it’s a very believable backstory. It’s probably the backstory that’s having the most ‘present day’ impact on the character in question (again Dalinar is a close second but Sanderson dropped the ball with his character growth in Rhythm of War.) Shallan’s past is fabulous and well utilised by Sanderson to make her grow - and I did want to say something positive about Shallan because, despite not liking her, I do think she is a very well written character.

Pattern - I want to say that, despite my apparent vendetta against Shallan, I REALLY love Pattern! He’s so annoyingly sweet, sincere, and genuine! Actually he reminds me a lot of one of my dogs, which might be a contributing factor to my enjoyment of him? Either way Pattern is one of the best spren characters we’ve met so far - he’s amazing!

Dalinar - I’m mainly here to complain there isn’t enough Dalinar in this book and I miss him… I understand why he isn’t as present in Words of Radiance as he is in The Way of Kings and Oathbringer. However, I do think the absence of both Dalinar and Jasnah - my two “problematic faves”, plus Kaladin feeling very off for most of this book, contributes to why I don’t like it very much. Their loss leaves a big hole for my personal enjoyment and attachment, especially on rereads. It’s a very personal problem and comes down to who you read the series for (and whether you like Shallan or not.)

Although, when we get one of the few Dalinar chapters I am ecstatic because they’re all particularly punchy in this book! Chapter 67 - Spit and Bile - when Wit and Dalinar discuss his nature as a ‘benevolent tyrant’ is one of my favourites in the whole series. It’s a real moment of character realisation for Dalinar and gives us some FANTASTIC food for thought before we get to the shocking revelations of Oathbringer.

Kaladin and Shallan, Class Status, and the Boots Scene

Okay, it’s time to address the elephant in the room – Sanderson dropping the ball on his discussion of class conflict. I loved Sanderson’s introduction of class conflict, it’s something I’m particularly interested in as a British person. However, he handles this theme badly in Words of Radiance and drops it completely in Oathbringer, and it was almost a deal breaker for me on this reread. I’m genuinely upset about it.

So, a lot of Kaladin’s arc in this book is centred around him learning to look past his (valid) anger over what was done to him by the lighteyes, and specifically Amaram. Of course, this can’t really be resolved in one book, and I do hope Sanderson listens to the very vocal criticism around his “resolving” of Kaladin’s anger by pressing Kaladin into siding with his oppressors without uncritically examining his choices in books 3 and 4 (as well as making him a de facto lighteyes himself). However, in Words of Radiance Kaladin is very much giving into his anger now he has the opportunity to live, rather than just survive, and Sanderson uses a lot of his interactions with Dalinar, Adolin, and Shallan to show him ‘not all lighteyes are bad’.

I do have issues with the way Sanderson handles this with Adolin and Dalinar - maybe Dalinar not so much because his character has A LOT of other issues going on and his interactions with Kaladin are very much structured by their positions in the army. Their relationship remains largely professional, especially in this book, and Kaladin is shown to trust and respect Dalinar and vice versa. Not to mention that Dalinar is actually prepared to listen to Kaladin’s version of events and do his best to get justice for Kaladin against Amaram - it’s just not an easy situation to prove or resolve, and it can’t be done in the way Kaladin wants.

As an aside for the rest of the series - I do have issues with Kaladin’s long term idolisation of Dalinar as a leader and ‘noble’ lighteyes. We haven’t really seen Kaladin’s reaction to the revelations from Oathbringer (the in-world version) which I do think would change the dynamic between them. After all, the revelations about Dalinar show him to be worse than Amaram in many respects! Kaladin should have a reaction to the morality around Dalinar’s actions in the past, even if he is trying to change, and not just continue as they did before. Although, this issue ties into the larger problems with the series structure and how Sanderson keeps all but dropping Dalinar’s character growth in every other book - we need to address the consequences for revealing his past to the world, particularly with his family and political allies, not just sweep them under the carpet as we did in Rhythm of War!

In contrast to Kaladin’s relationship with Dalinar, he and Adolin are on a slightly more (although not completely) equal level, as demonstrated by their bickering, banter, and eventual friendship. Their relationship begins with Adolin’s suspicions about Kaladin, Kaladin’s hatred for lighteyes, and a mutual grudge against each other, but their relationship grows into a very real friendship after the duel sequence. Their relationship is one that has never bothered me because they had that rocky start. They grow into a friendship of equals, their distrust turns into a genuine bond because they learn to trust each other as they prove to each other that they aren’t what they first assumed.

Most importantly, despite the rocky start, neither of them are actively dismissive of the other based on their social status - Adolin never demeens Kaladin for being darkeyed and once Kaladin gets to know Adolin better his hostility towards lighteyes in general vanishes as they established their personal bond. The only moment you can point to Adolin actively dismissing Kaladin due to his social status is in The Way of Kings when he asks him to take a message to someone in the prostitute scene (sorry I’m not looking up the page numbers.) Adolin never shows dislike of anyone because they are darkeyes and definitely does not toy with those of a lesser social status than himself. Yes, I do agree Sanderson could do a better job of using the relationships between Adolin, Kaladin, and Bridge Four to address some of the subconscious biases Adolin holds. But Adolin is never cruel or manipulative to those with less social status. 

This brings me to the big reason why I’ve come to loathe Shallan and the key reason I dislike Sanderson’s mishandling of the social class discussion. It’s not even necessarily Shallan herself that I dislike, it’s the way the narrative frames her character and Sanderson’s dismissal of Kaladin’s anger. I could look past most of the problems I’ve raised against Shallan if it wasn’t for the way Sanderson portrayed her in this book. I still don’t think she’d be my favourite character now but I wouldn’t feel the urge to close the book every time I have to read her chapters.

However, Shallan is probably the best example we have in a point of view character of the minor abuses of the lighteyes against anyone of a lower social class than themselves. I’m not talking about the major crimes committed by Sadeas or Amaram where they show a blatant disregard for life, but I am talking about the subtle abuses of those with wealth and rank against those less fortunate.

Throughout the series we see Shallan casually and absentmindedly manipulate, dismiss, and bully darkeyed individuals. She’s not maliciously cruel, but she is casually abusive. She treats people like Kaladin or the slaves she ends up owning as less than herself, especially when she first meets them. I’m not here to say this is Shallan’s fault per se. She has been taught to do so by her society, she’s been indoctrinated into a system that believes those with darkeyes are lesser than herself because the Almighty has deemed it to be this way. It’s an inbuilt, largely unconscious bias formed by the society she was brought up in. I’d actually like this character trait if Sanderson used it to challenge Shallan and make her grow as a character, like pretty much EVERYONE else has to do with aspects of their character! 

But Sanderson doesn’t. Shallan is given a free pass for toying with darkeyes or those of a lower dahn than herself and using them to amuse herself, or even for dismissing them. And it’s not just once she does it, it’s a systematic behaviour in this book. Now, I will admit most of the time this behaviour is used against...unsavoury characters - it’s usually people like Tvlakv, a slave trader, who often fall victim to Shallan’s manipulation. As an audience we don’t like Tvlakv and don’t really care if he’s manipulated and pushed around by Shallan because of his earlier treatment of Kaladin. We like Kaladin, we like Shallan, but Tvlakv? Not so much. But her casual dismissal of Tvlakv’s life and livelihood (putting my loathing of slavery aside for the moment) does show Shallan’s contempt of those beneath her in general.

The better case to demonstrate Shallan’s classism is in her scenes with Kaladin. There are two moments I could use to make my point: the infamous “Boots” scene in chapter 28 and the Chasm sequence in Part 4. In both these scenes we see Shallan, in a position of power, dismiss Kaladin - the “Boots” scene is by far the worst of these two, but the later sequence give us a better glimpse into the problems with Sanderson’s framing of Shallan’s and Kaladin’s past traumas. Shallan’s trauma is validated by this scene, but Kaladin’s very justified dislike and anger is dismissed by both Sanderson and Shallan. There is very little, leading up to the Chasm sequence, that suggests Shallan is a nice person to Kaladin and he has a lot of long-term trauma from mistreatment and abuse from lighteyes in general. Kaladin should be allowed to hold onto his resentment to some extent. Instead he is forced to get rid of it because of Sanderson’s inflexible belief that all anger, even righteous anger, is wrong.

I could elaborate on this scene but as this review is now ludicrously long, I’m going to stick to the Boots scene as it is simpler and I don’t really need to summarise the scene because it’s so well. The basics you need are: Shallan uses her gender, social position, and Kaladin’s relative lack of authority to humiliate him in front of his men and con him out of his boots. And it’s played for laughs.

There is a small hint later on that Shallan shouldn’t have done what she did when Kaladin confronts her about the incident outside the meeting of the Highprinces. Yet, a large part of this was Shallan saving face when she realised he is Captain of the Kholins’ guard and could pose a serious threat to her plans if he felt so inclined. She doesn’t express any remorse for her behaviour morally speaking, nor does she think that she shouldn’t mess around with people who can’t fight back. No, she’s remorseful because it’s convenient for her.

The 'Boots' scene isn’t funny. It’s a clear, if childish, display of the sheer amount of power lighteyes have over everyone socially below them. But Sanderson doesn’t depict it in that way. It’s just there as an amusing scene, and to get Shallan and Kaladin off on the wrong foot. Kaladin was just doing his job, grumpily, and didn’t deserve this treatment from Tyn or Shallan. Especially as Shallan very much knows that she ISN’T a conwoman and she really IS Adolin’s betrothed - she doesn’t need to impress Tyn, especially not this close to the Shattered Plains. So, she has little excuse for acting in the way that she did, and she really didn’t need to humiliate Kaladin in front of his men. As the audience, we know Kaladin’s command isn’t going to be affected because of his history with Bridge Four, and we know he can replace his boots. But Shallan doesn’t and it only shows how little she really considers the lives of those below her. It’s just casual cruelty that served no purpose except to entertain her and Tyn.

The fact that Shallan has never really been called out for this by the narrative/Sanderson, only by Kaladin and more socially aware fans, is outrageous. Anyone else would be - and everyone else has similar issues that narrative insists they work on and overcome. Yet Shallan is consistently let off for this behaviour. On the other end of this scene, Kaladin is forced into letting go of his anger and falling into line with the Kholins and other lighteyes, despite being systematically oppressed and mistreated by the lighteyes as a whole. Sanderson doesn’t allow Kaladin his anger and he’s punished for it throughout this book.

I will say that Kaladin isn’t completely in the right here, he did need to learn that not everyone is the embodiment of evil just because they are born into wealth and privilege. However, neither was it okay to dismiss the complex dilemma around Kaladin and class - where he needs to overcome his prejudice against everyone at the top of the social system, because there are good lighteyes, whilst still challenging that system - by making him a lighteyes. This doesn’t solve anything! His anger is valid and righteous. The Vorin social system does need a complete overhaul and Kaladin should be allowed to take the helm for that social movement - even if this arc isn’t at the forefront of the series (you know because we’re all slightly busy saving the world!) 

Sanderson shouldn’t keep allowing Shallan a free pass for deeply rooted and problematic behaviours and attitudes. It doesn’t need to be a major point of discussion, especially as the series has evolved and everyone is more concerned with staying alive. However, this is a huge series, there is space in it to address this issue every now and again in the background of the novel, particularly in non-combative plotlines. It would also help to change the perspective in moments like the “Boots” scene. Rather than showing these as just funny moments, take the time to show that they are symptoms of a serious problem in Vorin society and demonstrations of the casual abuses of power lighteyes can get away with on a daily basis.

At the end of the day, Kaladin is going to be fine - and he does drive me nuts with the huge chip on his shoulder that he has throughout Words of Radiance. His only real consequence from this scene is wounded pride, he’ll recover. However, Shallan shouldn’t be let off the hook for it either and Sanderson does need to pick up this plotline on the abuse of power and class in the series. He introduced a serious discussion on the dangers of a class-based society and it’s a shame (and irresponsible) to just drop it now. 

Conclusion

So I think we can all agree I don’t like a lot of this book. I’m in the minority here. There are some fantastic moments throughout Words of Radiance, but as a whole I struggle when rereading this particular entry into The Stormlight Archive. Sanderson drops the ball on one too many issues, and I really dislike Shallan here. I do get on with her slightly more in later novels - well in Rhythm of War - however, having such a heavy focus on her here makes it a slog for me to read.

Still, onward and upwards! Oathbringer is (probably) my favourite book in the whole series, although I’ve only read RoW once so that might change when I finish this reread. Hopefully I’ll have a lot more positive things to say in my next review - and I finally get to make my speech on why I love Dalinar and his backstory!