#she is a sweetiepie and yes you will see more of her if you want

[zivazivc]

Did Les ever dated in the past? Also is he with anyone recently?

Les quit school really early, like 10-years-old early, and he started working soon after, so he didn't really have friends his age. That kinda puts a buffer on a teenager's social and love life. Though there was something that happened at a house party once, that was, uh... a bad experience, and it left him with a lot of issues. Also, partially because of this, he's not really someone who acts on his crushes. So he never dated before.

But at one point the band spent a few months in the same location (dunno the reason yet, but maybe they weren't getting enough gigs and they had to take up some part time jobs for a while), and Les developed a crush on a bartender at a nearby club.

She's the only OC of mine who's visually a bigger weirdo than Les, and he definitely saw a little bit of himself in her, and hoping for someone with some shared life experience, it's what initially attracted him toward her and vice versa.

So they had a thing going on for a short time. It never developed into anything serious because sadly they are very alike, which means they are BOTH morons who are shy about making the first move. And after a while they came to the agreement that they were better as just friends.

Floyd with his persistent crush was not happy about the possible romance at first, but he ended up being happy for Les, and he finally decided to give his hopeless longing a rest, since the only good it was doing was growing a rift between his and Les's friendship.

Funny enough it was Floyd backing down which allowed the two to grow closer. Les lowered his guard since he no longer had to overthink if Floyd would interpret anything he did or said as some kind of flirting or act of love, and he no longer had to brace himself for any uncomfortable romancing coming from Floyd either.

They were already good friends since the start but they became much more casual with each other and began to understand each other on a deeper level as years passed. As Floyd got older and more mature, and became an equal with the rest of the bandmates, it was actually Les who fell for him, hard. He didn't really do anything about it though, but Floyd eventually realized this and you know he did something about it. Though Floyd's crush had gone from looking at Les as this cool experienced older guy when he was younger to now seeing him as a shy innocent teddy bear compared to his lewd self ksjhdkjs.

So technically they became each other's first proper all-encompassing relationship. And by that I mean that besides the lovey-dovey obvious stuff, they were also best friends and helped each other grow a lot. Also Floyd by the time they got together, already started a habit of hooking up with strangers at parties, so being with Les forced him to slow down and progress through a relationship slowly and at a healthy pace for someone his age (since you can't really get anywhere with Les without a lot of patience). And Floyd got Les to become comfortable with opening up and talking about his deep-rooted feelings. They talked about issues they faced, many of which were related to Les's childhood trauma, instead of him just ignoring or suppressing it all. (Floyd also opened up about his own family trauma with Les obviously, but he talked about it even before they got together.)

The relationship, especially at the start, could still be considered questionable from an outsider's perspective, but so was the band's lifestyle in general. They were good for each other during that period while they were growing up and figuring themselves and each other out, which is what matters I think.

It was honestly mainly Floyd's undiagnosed bipolar disorder that made the relationship suffer toward the end of Floyd's days in the band. It created a lot of trust issues between Floyd and Les, and also Floyd and everyone else, heck it even made Floyd distrust himself, since he and none else knew or understood what was happening with him. This led to a lot of misery and anger that he mostly ended up directing at Les, and it was what eventually made them break up and Floyd leave.

[nutstickler78]

hai! heard u had comms open. If i got it right,do you have any hcs about anhane?

Anhane ↣ꨄ

MY FIRST REQ!! And yeah, ofc I do :]! Thank you for requesting this, aun-muaq!

This might be a bit OOC cuz I haven’t really read up on the most recent VBS story (on EN), so I‘m truly sorry if something is incorrect! :[

Also I did. this before going to sleep lmao

☆ To start off, let‘s talk about Nicknames! I feel like they‘d either have the cutest or most CORNIEST nicknames for each other, no in between

☆ An would call Kohane: Kohammy, Babygirl, Honey, Sweetiepie and My SUPER TALENTED SINGER AMAZING DANCER AMAZING GIRL WHO IS ALSO THE CUTEST AND MOST BADASS AND PRETTIEST AND KINDEST SUPER SWEET GIRLFRIEND

☆ I‘d like to think Kohane is more normal (but also cornier) about the nicknames she gives An, such as: My Inspiration, My Love, My Darling, My Angel and My Really cool girlfriend who‘s as bright as a star and amazing girlfriend who I really love a lot and hope to marry her someday she‘s so pretty and cool and I love her so much.

☆ I feel like they both are SO whipped over each other, like notice how I gave both of them at the end a little swooning for each other? I feel like that would be them when they‘re not with each other and would unknowingly start talking about each other.

☆ I feel like An is a night owl despite being so energetic during the day, so I believe that in the nights, when they‘re cuddling with each other, Kohane usually dozes off as An rambles to her about who knows what!

☆ THEY‘D WEAR MATCHING HANDMADE EARRINGS !!! I WILL ACTUALLY DIE AND DISAPPEAR ON THIS HILL!!!

☆ if they‘re in each others vicinity, they‘re holding hands, no telling my differently. The only time they aren’t holding hands together is when one or both of them is/are carrying too many things.

☆ Kohane can crochet and with that magical ability, she crochets cute gifts for An, such as plushies, or hand mittens, or a winter hat, or another plushie and the list goes on!

☆ As for An, who‘s on the receiving end, she always proudly displays any work Kohane gifts her. Cold winter day? No worries! This scarf will keep me warm! See a cold little kitty? That‘s her kitty now and she‘s keeping it warm with one of Kohane‘s mini sweaters and with one of Kohane‘s mittens.

☆ Talking about Stray cats, if An and Kohane ever moved in with each other, I feel like they‘d keep bringing home any stray they catch even the slightest glimpse of in the streets!

☆ Lowkey they‘d at least have 3 cats; Princess Pickles, Nuclear Bomb and Tom (yes I‘m serious about these exact names)

☆ Though, despite being so whipped for each other, I definitely do think they‘d want to keep their relationship private from the public and only let their friends know.

☆ They both constantly get/make gifts for each other, they definitely have a whole organized pile from gifts of each other.

———————

That should be it! I Hope you enjoyed it :] it was actually my first time writing headcanons, so I‘m still new to this whole thing.

[matthew-gray-gubler-lover]

New Years With Spencer Reid 🥂

so much fluffy goodness.

Reid being a total sweetiepie

it is New Year's Eve and y/n has never been to a New Year's Eve party, spencer knows this and has always felt bad for you, spencer and you have known each for three years, and been a couple for two years, you always said it was ok that you haven't ever been to a party for the new year, but this year he was going to make sure you had a new year's party.

so he asked for some help from his good friend garcia.

"i know y/n said it's ok, but even i have been to a new years eve party" reid tells garcia.

"Your welcome for that by the way, i was the one that made you go to that new years eve party" garcia gigles as she pushes reis shoulder.

"i know" he smiles.

"i just feel like she is missing out, even if y/n doesn't feel like she is" he tells garcia with a pout.

"OK!!!, you know i can't stand it when you are sad, and i love you and y/n you are so cute together and she makes you really happy, so what do you need me to do?"

"can you take y/n shopping? that way i can get everything ready at our apartment?" he asks her with a big smile hopping she will say yes.

"reid do you know who you are talking to? can i take y/n shopping? of course i will take her shopping, anything you need me to do, plus i get to SHOP!!!" she sings.

"thank you so much garcia, i love you" he hugs her.

"so what time do you need me to be there?" she asks holding one of her fuzzy pens and looking at reid.

well i need to get a lot done so...8:00?, would that be ok?" he asks a little unsure.

"yep!" garcia says happily"

"good, i hope we don't get a case" he sighs.

"me too lover boy, i'm just kidding, i think it's really sweet that you are doing this for y/n, she is a very lucky girl to have a man who loves her as much as you do" she puts her pen down and stands up so she can pinch his cheeks.

"thank you garcia"

the next day.

there wasn't a case and garcia and y/n have gone to the the store, reid wasn't sure if he could get everything done in time but he was going to get it his all to make it happen.

reid got home early and has everything he needs to make tonight a night you will never forget.

he bought Champaine, glasses, a party hat for himself, a party Teira for you, some happy new year balloons, some snacks and a new black dress for you to wear tonight.

he puts on his suit a black one with a white button up shirt underneath.

he puts the snacks in some bowels, chips, popcorn, some chocolates and some gummy bears because he knows how much you like them, places a gold table cover on the dining room table and puts the bowels on there.

he runs through the apartment putting out balloons and confetti, the mess will make him crazy but it's worth it to see you happy.  

he hears your key going in the door and runs over to the door so he can surprise you.

you walk in the door and there he is standing there in his suit looking so sexy.

"surprise!!" he says loudly as he points to the table full of snacks and the room full of balloons.

"spence, what is all of this?" you ask looking at everything he has done for you.

you put your bags down full of things you just bought at the many stores you and garcia have been to.

spencer walks over to you putting his hands out for you to take, you look at him, he has such love in his eyes.

"you haven't ever had a new year's party, i know you always say it doesn't matter, but it matters to me, i want to give you everything in this world, and this is one of them, do you like it?" he asks you smiling.

you take his hand "i love it spence, and i love you"

"i love you to y/n, but wait there's more"

he gets the dress he bought for you.

"i bought this dress for you to wear tonight, do you like it?"

"i love it" you tell him with tears forming in your eyes.

you go to the bedroom and put the new dress on.

you walk back to the living room reid is putting on the tv when he hears you coming, he turns around and sees you, he just looks at you, then he walks over to you.

"you are so beautiful y/n, how did i get so lucky?" he asks then kisses you sweetly.

"i'm the lucky one spence, look at everything you have done for me, i love you so much"

"i love you too y/n"

he takes your hand and walks you to the sofa.

you watch the new year's rocking eve on tv wearing your fancy new dress and spencer in his suit, eating the snacks, when it gets close to midnight spencer pops the Champaine and gets the party hat and tiara.

you both countdown to the new year as the ball drops you kiss, and both sip your Champaine then when the new year's song plays spencer takes your hand "may i have this dance?"

"yes" you smile.

and you both slow dance in the living room, spencer and your very own little new year's party.

"happy new year baby" reid tells you.

"happy new year spence"

you keep dancing as you put your head on his chest.

"can we do this every year?" you ask him.

"of course baby, I'm glad you liked it"

'mm-mmm i loved it"

"are you tired y/n" he asks you softly.

"yes" you answer with a yawn

"ok let get to bed" he say so soft you almost don't hear it.

"oh, before we do i have one thing i want to ask" he tell you.

"ok, we don't have to go to bed"

"oh no baby it's 12:22am you need some sleep, it's just one thing i want to ask then we are off to bed" he smiles.

"y/n i love you so much , my life was so empty before i met you, you are my world, the air i breath, the love of my life, y/n will you marry me?" he asks with the biggiest smile on his face and so much love in his eyes, holding the ring he had made just for you, i heart shape diamond on a gold band, the diamond sparkling in the black velvet box almost as much as spencer’s eyes are sparking right now.

"YES!!! oh my god yes spencer i will marry you!" you yell as tears run down your face.

reid wipes away your tears and kisses you before placing the ring on your finger.

"it's almost as sparkly as your pink glitter nail polish y/n" he smile/giggles with happy tears still in his eyes.

after you both stop crying tears of joy you both put on your jammies and get in to bed, looking forward to another wonderful year with each other.

"garcia is going to be so happy for us" reid says as he wraps is arms around you.

"oh yes she will"

"we will tell her in the morning" he says.

"i love you spencer and this is a new years i will never forget"

"me neither" he kisses you, and you both fall asleep.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 🥂

[neonacity]

Black Daisies: Chapter 2

Preview: 

“Only the dead have seen the end of war.”

An NCT mafia AU with OT23. Summary: Working for the mafia comes with many layers. There’s excitement, violence, loss, and betrayals. Yet there’s also friendship, family, loyalty, and code. The last thing it needs? Love and all the complexities it brings. 

TW: violence, death, mentions of drugs and other illegal activities. If you’re uncomfortable with any of these, feel free to skip. Author’s note: This is purely a work of fiction. In no way am I supporting all the illegal activities and behaviors that might be mentioned in the story nor am I implying that any member of NCT acts whichever way I may write them here--they’re all sweetiepies that need to be protected! 

Masterlist

“Your weakness is going to be your downfall. I have told you this again and again.”

The girl balled her fists on top of her lap, the folds of her skirt barely covering her knuckles that have gone white. She bit her tongue back and tried to keep her face emotionless.

“What do you have to say for yourself?”

“I just wanted to hang out with my friends—” 

“They are not your friends.”

The man sitting behind the oak table didn’t need to raise his voice to cut her off. He enunciated each word with a clipped tone that could make even the most domineering men shiver in their shoes. The girl in front of him barely moved, however, her eyes silently cast on the fur rug across from where she was sitting.

“Do I make myself clear? One more time that I see yourself associating with them and you’ll know what will happen.” 

Silence.

“Answer.”

“Yes… Father.” 

My eyes cracked open with a slight squint. Above me, the harsh glare of overhead light caused me to frown, one hand reaching up to cover my eyes from the brightness. Before I could do anything to block the offending light, however, a face peered over my line of vision wearing a soft smile. 

“Hey, sleepyhead.”

I bolted from my position on the couch with a slight jump, a gasp falling from my lips.

“Taeyong! You’re here!” 

The man sat back on his knees and flashed me a grin. “Just got back.” Below him, I could hear voices and noises overlapping with each other. It’s obvious the crowd of six boys has more company now. 

I returned his smile as a hand reached out to smoothen my hair. I didn’t even realize I fell asleep or how long I was out for that matter. Judging from the dullness I could feel from my temples though, it’s been a couple of hours at the very least.

“Are the rest of you back? Where’s the cargo?”

Taeyong scrunched his nose slightly at my question, his lips forming a pout. “I was gone for two months and work is the first thing you ask from me?” 

I rolled my eyes and swung my legs to the side of the couch, a smile tugging at the corners of my lips. “You look fine. You guys never fuck up a mission anyway.”

“Still.” He gave a short laugh as he finally picked himself up from his crouch and sat beside me. “The goods are okay. We dropped them off in Beijing on the way here. WayV will be taking care of the actual shipment since we need a special kind of cargo for it.”

“Oh. That’s great then.”

Silence fell over us and I looked up to see him studying me silently. I tried holding his gaze for a bit but faltered soon after when he never broke eye contact. Lee Taeyong knows how heavy his stare can be. Unfortunately for me, I somehow find myself on the receiving end of it more often than I would prefer. I softly cleared my throat to break the silence and moved to pull my hair back into a ponytail again for the sake of doing something.

“Did the kids give you a hard time?” 

“Huh? No. They were great. Haechan and Renjun sometimes go at each other’s throats but that’s normal. None of them are dead at least,” I shrugged as I heard Haechan’s voice ring out from the first floor. He’s probably attacking Mark or some other member as usual. Taeyong chuckled beside me, mildly amused.

“Yeah. Mark was bummed out that he didn’t get to be there on your last mission. I heard you ransacked the Peninsula.” 

I grinned at that, giving him a smug look. “Yes, we did. It was fun. Jaemin did great cleaning off those safes. You wouldn’t believe what was inside all of them. The dirty old man sure had a lot of things going on.” 

Taeyong simply gave a soft hum of acknowledgment, his eyes drilling on me again. My smile faltered a bit until it finally morphed into a slight frown. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” 

“You look like you’re enjoying yourself,” he answered plainly, not even flinching. His words, however, felt loaded with meaning. 

A few heartbeats passed before I was finally able to collect myself. “I am. I like what I’m doing.”

He had already opened his mouth to answer when a voice called out from the top of the stairs, making the two of us turn towards it.

“Am I interrupting something?”

My heart skipped a few beats at the figure standing there. The man was clad in a simple pair of black pants and a white shirt, his hair almost covering his eyes from how much it has grown. His face was placid at first before his lips finally quirked into a smile directed towards me. 

“Johnny.”

"Hey. This guy's giving you a hard time?" he asked, playfully pointing a finger at the man beside me. I gave a scoff as a reply and slightly nudged Taeyong on the ribs. Deep inside, I was grateful Johnny appeared to break whatever weird tension was going on between me and the other boy. 

"When is he not bothering me?" Beside me, Taeyong gave a defensive "yah…" which made Johnny and I crack up into giggles. 

…Who am I kidding though? I'm thankful for him for more than just breaking the ice earlier. As my gaze drifted back towards him, I couldn't help but notice how my stomach slightly flipped at the way he laughed without care, his eyes turning slightly into half-moons. And those lips…

I quickly gave myself a hard mental slap before my thoughts could explore places they definitely should NOT go ever. Thankfully, none of the two seemed to have noticed my zoning out.

"I wasn't expecting all of you to go straight to the headquarters though. You've had a long day—or week. You should have stopped by the dorms first."

"Yeah… About that. We'll spend the night here," Johnny said carefully, glancing to Taeyong as if he was expecting the other to continue what he was trying to say. I frowned, finding it a little odd. 

"Why?" 

"We...just got a message after landing. It said the Don might drop by anytime between tonight or tomorrow morning. Urgent and highly important from the tone of the order. We can't afford to be late for the head of the family…" 

I felt my palms turn cold at the news. The room felt still, the air so thick it can be cleanly cut by a knife. 

"Oh...I didn't know… Well, I guess I can go. I'm sure it's only for the Capos and Soldiers…" I trailed off as I picked myself up from my seat. Before I can make another move though, the clacking sound of heels froze the three of us on the spot. On the head of the staircase stood a woman in a blood-red silk dress that perfectly matched the rouge on her lips. Her sharp eyes landed on me and she smiled, slowly but deliberately.

"I think you should stay, my dear. In fact, I insist that you do."

--

Chapter 3: The Conductor

[shapeshiftinterest]

mao mao heroes of pure heart Christmas gift exchange

for @maomaosrealfamily

wishlist: Mao Mao, Badgerclops, and Adorabat ice-skating; Mao Mao struggles

______________________________________________________________  

story under the read more

These Blades are for Skatin’ (also on AO3)

“Do you even know how to ice skate?“ Badgerclops asked, helping Adorabat lace up her skates.

After their usual daily patrol and a fight with some ice dragons that’d been too close to the valley, the trio had decided to take a break at the recently frozen pond.

‘‘Well, no.” Mao admitted. “But it looks fairly simple, and I am a master of the blade.”

Badgerclops gave him a look, picking Adorabat up and setting her on wobbly feet. She threw out a ‘Thanks, Badgerclops!’, fixing her scarf and waving at the two before trudging through the snow toward the pond.

“Dude, just because you use a giant knife-“

“It’s a katana!“

“-And know how to throw littler knives-“

“Wha- those are kunai and you know it! Stop calling them kniv- mmphm!!“

“- does NOT mean you know how to ice skate.“ Badgerclops finished. Mao narrowed his eyes at the other, pouting around the finger being used to shush him.

The cat smacked it away, waving his hand dismissively.

“If my sister Minori can strap kitchen knives to her ballet flats and use them to dance-carve her name into a piano, I’m pretty sure I can do something as simple as ice skating.” He said confidently, already lacing up his own skates.

“I’m sorry, your sister did what now?“

Mao ignored him and made his way to the edge of the pond.

Among the other sweetiepies he saw Adorabat, who’d already made it to the other side and was talking with her dad and some classmates. Eugene was holding her wings and skating backwards, slowly pulling her across the ice and explaining how to move.

With one last glance to make sure the area was secure, the sheriff took a step onto the ice-

“GAH!!“

-and immediately slid forward into a split.

Thighs burning from the sudden stretch, Mao fell over onto his side and hissed, one skate on the ice and the other still in the snow.

A little ways behind him he could hear Badgerclops laughing. He grunted, pushing himself into a sitting position and shakily using Geraldine to stand upright. At least the sweetiepies were too preoccupied to pay attention to him.

"Oh yeah, a real master of the blade, pfff hehehehe.”

Mao glared at his co hero. "As if you could do any better.” He grouched.

“Actually,“ Badgerclops said, hip checking the other and walking onto the ice. “I can. Watch and learn, dude.“

And with that sassy remark, the deputy pushed off, gracefully gliding across pond and weaving in and out between the sweetiepies.

He did a couple loops around Adorabat and Eugene’s group, making a turn and skating backwards, one hand clutching his beanie and the other tucked into his jacket pocket.

Mao’s mouth fell open, watching in surprise as his friend leapt over Chubbum and went into a backwards spin. He did a few more tricks before sliding in front of the other and striking a pose.

“Who’s the blade master now, Mao Mao?“ He said smugly.

“Wha- when did you learn how to do that?!“

Badgerclops shrugged, “Rodeo classes.“

“That doesn’t-“

“Badgerclops, that was AMAZING!!“ Adorabat exclaimed, swooping in to rest on his shoulder. “Can you teach me how to do that?“

“Of cour-“

“A-Adorabat!“

The trio turned to see Eugene huffing and puffing his way towards them.

“Get down from there, you could get hurt!“ He wheezed.

“But I hang here all the time?“

Eugene made a concerned face and adjusted his glasses. “Yes, but your skates could get caught in his jacket if they slice through. What if you fall and twist your ankle!“

Adorabat pouted, “It’s fine! Badgerclops would catch me first, right Badgerclops?”

“You know it.“ He said, offering her a fist bump.

Meanwhile, Mao was still trying to stand on the ice without using Geraldine as a crutch. His latest attempt had ended up with him face planting and Kevin skating over his hand.

“Oops! Sowwy, teehee.“

Eugene sighed and helped Mao up, basically attaching the cat to Badgerclops’ other jacket arm.

“How about this, Little Gem. If you get down and come with me, we can get hot chocolate.”

“With tiny marshmallows?“

He smiled. “Yes, with tiny marshmallows.“

“Wait, hot chocolate? Can I go with y’all?“ Badgerclops asked, hand already prying one of Mao’s gloved paws off of his arm.

“If you help teach the Sheriff how to skate I’ll bring you both hot chocolates.“

“Deal! Let’s go, Mao.“

“Wait, Badgerclops, that’s too faaaAAAAAAAHHHH!!“

The taller of the two grabbed his friend’s hands and sped away, while Eugene and Adorabat sat on a bench and started untying their skates.

After about an hour Mao had started to get the hang of it, after 2 hours he could skate from one end of the pond to the other without holding on to anyone.

The Sky Pirates had shown up about ten minutes in, but Badgerclops blasted their ship before they could set anchor (it would have broken the ice if it’d landed). 

The four, having jumped off beforehand, had been promptly ambushed by wave after wave of snowballs. The attack, lead by Adorabat and some of her classmates, forced the pirates to retreat, and turned to an intense snowball fight between the five year olds. (One of the snowballs hit Mao in the skates, nobody admitted who the thrower was.)

Him and Eugene had switched places halfway through, that way the bat could teach Mao how to turn and the deputies could enjoy their hot chocolate together.

“You’re doing great Mao Mao.“ Eugene said, the Sheriff’s hands holding his wings tightly as the shorter of the two slowly spun them around. “Just turn your heel like that- yes. Aaand, perfect!”

“WHOOOO!!! YOU DID IT MAO!!“ Badgerclops hollered from his seat, already on his 3rd cup. Adorabat was huddled in the front of his jacket and trying to catch snowflakes on her tongue.

She would have yelled something too but she’d burned her mouth after drinking her hot chocolate too soon.

“And with that, you know the basics of how to ice skate. Congratulations, Sheriff!“ Eugene sneezed. “Ngh. Let’s go inside, I’m freezing my wings off haha.“

“You go ahead, I want to practice spih- ah- aH- ACHOOO!!“

Mao sniffed. “Y’know on second thought yeah, let’s go inside.”

The two made their way to the deputies and returned the skates, all four of them returning to HQ.

______________________________________________________________  BONUS:

based on the headcanon that Eugene has multiple jobs, as well as takes multiple shifts, he’s an instructor for basic ice skating for this fic and usually teaches the kid classes

Eugene and the sheriff’s department have a good relationship, you can take that as either

him, Mao and BC being in a relationship (OT3)

him, Mao and BC being friends (no ships)

or Badgermao being friends with Eugene (OTP + friend)

Sometimes he has sleepovers at their house

originally I was going to write more Badgermao vibes and like, maybe a flashback thing where Mao and BC met as kids at an ice pond

Mao gets ignored by his sisters/ dad (they brought him) while they skate

he ends up getting lost and meets Badgerclops, who teaches him how to skate and they hold hands/ arms, get hot chocolate, make a snowman, maybe have a snowball fight with Gerald

Mao has a line like ‘I know how to ice skate! My friend taught me how when we were kids.’ but because it was so long ago he’s basically forgotten how to do it and BC teaches him all over again

[rhenuvee]

So Bloody Clueless [George Weasley x reader]

Summary: Fake dating things :P

Warnings: swearing :0

*I realized I’m an idiot for not doing this sooner so tell me if you’d like to be tagged in my future fics. I write for 3 fandoms so please specify which one!*

P.S: If I see another HP promotion in Spanish or any other language I will yeet your comment out the door :) I warned u bots.

------------------------------

“You want me to what?” you asked for the fifth time. 

“You heard me, I want you and George  to pretend to be girlfriend and boyfriend.” said Fred with just as much enthusiasm as the previous four times.

This was unfortunate. You and the twins have been friends since you sat together on the train in your first year. Over time you started developing feelings for the younger twin. It was weird now that you think about it, but you couldn’t deny it. You don’t get butterflies when you see Fred. 

“And why should I let myself be an advertisement?” you asked sarcastically. Fred sighed dramatically as if the answer was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Becaaaause our lucky guy Georgie here has a chance with Angelina,” he explained. “Besides, if he blows this, he’ll be a poor single soul forever.”

You suddenly felt a little down hearing those words. You never knew that George and Angelina were becoming a thing. You wanted to yell out, “No Fred, he wouldn’t be a poor single soul because I like him.” Oh, but the embarrassment you’d face if George ends up only liking you as a friend.

But you thought again, this would be the closest thing to having a relationship with George, if he ended up catching up Angelina’s attention. Of course he would! He’s George Weasley!

“O-okay fine- but just for today!” you managed to get out. 

“Great, Angelina told me she and Alicia and Katie would be in Honeydukes.” said Fred.

“They went to Honeydukes without me?! Those-” 

“You can argue later! Now go and be in love!” said Fred cheerfully and shooing you two off.

“But I-”

“GO!”

------------------------------

It was awkward. You felt stiff and sweaty. Your hands felt clammy when George suggested to hold hands to look more ‘couple-like.’ But boy you just looked like weirdos. Did George notice your clammy hands? Probably.

All of a sudden he stopped walking. You turned your gaze to his direction and realized he was staring at Zonko’s joke shop. He had a big smile on his face, and it didn’t stop when he turned to look at you. You in turn was taken aback from seeing his handsome smile and tried to look in other directions, trying to play it off.

“C’mon (y/n), let’s go!” he shouted while pulling you into the store with excitement. 

“Whoa George slow down!” you shouted back.

It wasn’t your first time at Zonko’s, you’ve been there before to accompany the twins. The store was just as colourful and lively as you remembered. You felt glad seeing George all jumpy in his favourite store as he scanned the products even if he’s seen them a thousand times.

You decided to look at what they had on your side of the shelves. Frog spawn soap? You smiled imagining Fred’s scaredy-cat face, wouldn’t that be a way to get back at him?

George noticed you were staring at the product and went to your side to see what was up. 

“Ah frog spawn soap, and who might this be for?” he asked bending down to your height.

“Your twin.” you replied.

“Oh- well in that case, we might as well take their whole stock!” said George triumphantly. You giggled at his grand gesture.

“I’ll pay for it.” he said about to take the product.

“No way.” you said quickly stopping his hand.

“Why not?” asked George genuinely confused. You bit your lip.

“It’s nice of you...” you admitted quietly. “but we’ve already got two amazing pranksters in Hogwarts.” George smiled cheekily knowing one of them was him. You were glad your response worked as a compliment and a good reason for him not to buy it.

“I mean, if you say so.” said George flicking his hair in an exaggerated way. You giggled and rolled your eyes.

“Don’t get cocky.” you said shoving him lightly as you both walked out of the shop.

------------------------------

It was great, it was good that going to Zonko’s was able to loosen you two up. He would wrap his long arm around your shoulder or waist. You would hold onto and lean on his arm while walking. Both of you would make silly faces and joke around at who knows what. But even this had to come to an end.

You could see Honeydukes in the distance. Your eyes went droopy and you felt down remembering that this was just an act. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t a little jealous of Angelina- but at the same time who wouldn’t? She was pretty, smart, on the Gryffindor quidditch team, and got along with George just as well. The whole package.

“Are you okay, love?” George asked snapping you out of your thoughts. You froze at the term of endearment he’d call you since you’d been friends. You can’t help but think there’s a hint of romance in the nickname. You took a deep breath.

“Yeah I’m good, Georgie.” you said smiling up at him. He frowned knowing that wasn’t it. He wanted to press into it and ask you but you had already reached Honeydukes.

“Wait.” said George abruptly while stopping you by grabbing your wrist.

“We need names.” he said. You cocked an eyebrow in confusion.

“Names?”

“Yes, we need a unique name so we seem like a more believable couple.” he explained. You nodded you head.

“Okay, what do you suggest?” you asked while trying to thinking of some yourself.

“How about darling? Nice and simple.” he said. You blushed at the thought of George calling you darling. But you quickly thought of a response yourself.

“That’s too generic.” you said.

“Generic? You have a go then.” he ushered. 

“How about sweetheart?” you asked.

“Sweetheart is just as generic, sweetheart.” he teased. You rolled your eyes.”

“Sugar, sweetiepie, cupcake- that’s three, ha!” said George who seemed very proud of his three word answer.

“Oh please everyone in Puddifoot’s probably uses that on a daily basis.” you retorted. George was at first hurt but he laughed at you witty response.

“Gumdrop? Honeybun? Pumpkin?” you said in a tone as if it was the obvious choices.

“Hold on, do I look like a honeybun to you? And those are just as bad!” he said laughing halfway through his sentence. You guffawed and held your stomach imagining George as a honeybun.

Soon, name suggestions became utter randomness. You and George were yelling out random foods, not caring at this point. Yup, you were like two complete drunks.

“Waffles!” 

“Fried rice!”

Meanwhile in Honeydukes, it wasn’t long before the girls saw you and George clowning around outside the store.

“Are they okay...?” asked Katie tapping the other two to direct their attention to you. They made disgusted and confused faces.

“Um...”

“Maybe we should go and see what’s up.” said Angelina turning to lead the girls to pay for their sweets,

“I hope they aren’t arguing or anything like that..” said Alicia with a small hint of worry.

“TOMATO SOUP!”

“FISH FILLET!” 

You both could be called maniacs and get away with it. George and you were laughing so much you had to hunch and lean on each other for support. What was going on...

After fish fillet, you started to calm down. Both of you tried catching your breaths, but still with wide grins on your faces. All you could hear was the sound of George’s breathing.

How weird it felt, how weird and giddy your heart felt looking at him in such a state where he appeared genuinely happy. How weird it was that you two unconsciously seemed to walk slightly closer to each other. 

George took one last breath before bringing his arms around you. He looked at Honeydukes and quickly went back to you. 

“You know what, fuck it-” 

And with that he didn’t hesitate to lean in and smash his lips against yours. His lips felt warm, his arms holding you around your waist felt so loving. You looped your arms around his neck to bring him closer. You could feel him smile a little, still from your stupid food argument you were laughing at a few seconds ago.

“What in the fish fil- what the fuck is going on?!” shouted a voice from behind. You and George jumped and immediately pulled away from each other, a bit embarrassed that you were caught snogging. It was Fred.

“George, (y/n), what are you doing?” asked Fred with a concerned expression. Both your hearts were beating fast, it was weird seeing Fred so serious. After a few moments which seemed like forever just standing there, Fred broke the silence.

“Okay, I can’t hold it anymore, I’m kidding.” he said with his arms up in surrender and a smile forming. What? You and George looked at each other really confused. Suddenly the three girls came out cheering nonsense for you and George.

“Woohoo!”

“We did it!”

“Yeah get some you two!” 

“Hey- ALICIA!” you yelled as you heard her since she was the second phrase. She giggled at your reaction.

“What’s going on?” asked George looking at the four of them.

“You see dear brother, we have set up a scenario where you and (y/n) could go on a date.” explained Fred.

“But why wou-”

“Because you both are SO BLOODY CLUELESS!” they all shouted at the same time. You and George were taken aback. Everyone in Hogsmeade probably heard them.

“Let’s leave them be, but I better not see you snogging when you come back.” said Fred pointing a finger. And with that, Fred and the girls headed back to the castle, leaving you and George alone again.

“Well, I won’t wait any longer, (y/n) would you like to be my girlfriend?” he asked. You decided to tease him a bit.

“Hm, I don’t know my tomato soup...” you said trying not to laugh.

“Well we did snog, my fish fillet.” he said doing the same. You almost chocked. Then you both leaned in and locked lips for a brief moment, until George pulled away to say something.

“Okay, this is getting weird, why don’t we just stick to love and darling?” he asked chuckling. You giggled.

“Yeah that sounds good... and of course I’d love to be your girlfriend Georgie.” you cooed. He smiled at your words, it made him go fuzzy inside.

“Let’s head back then, darling.” he said taking your hand.

“Wait-” you said running.

“Love where are you going?” he shouted.

“I hate your brother and the girls setting us up like this, and I hear there is a frog spawn soap just dying to be bought at Zonko’s- so let’s go!” 

[justletmeplayminecraft]

five times the hermits reassured xb his reputation doesn’t matter to them & one time they didn’t need to

another fic in @martuzzio‘s space outlaw au! this was a bit of an in-between whilst i prepped for a bigger project. this time: exploring xb and his feelings towards his false accusation.

featuring: xb needs hugs, i promise he gets them, me trying to feel out voices, lots of reassuring hermits, they’re a big family okay, xb is Not Okay with his bounty and the effects it causes, but they’re there to help, some cute kids, when you have problems: lie in a pool, its angst with comfort, the usual.

warnings: people are mean, panic attack, minor violence, less minor off-screen violence (mentioned gun violence, no details), low self image, self worth issues, bad decisions made whilst possibly dissociating, i swear its happy at the end.

1.

XB has never been one for public attention. He'd always been happy at his job. He minded his own business, enjoyed the research and helping people. Sometimes he even socialised with his co-workers, though that rarely extended outside of work. He lived a solitary life, away from the public eye, and he was happy with that. He had his lot. He didn't need anything else.

Then the accident happened and his world turned upside down.

Everything he'd built for himself, the comfortable life he'd made, fell apart at his feet. Suddenly he was to blame for the corruption of an entire planet. And he knew- he knew it wasn't really his fault. It was a complete mismanagement, barely even his department! But maybe if he'd paid more attention, worked faster, spoken out-

He can't change things now.

What followed was the most stressful period of his life. He watched as charges stacked up, already convicted in the public opinion. He went on the run, hiding on the half-dead planet and just trying to survive, really. He stopped keeping track of anything else, feeling sick as people demanded his head. His abilities saved him from two assassination attempts. He ran further, hid better.

Until he met the Hermits.

After all this time, he's not quite sure how he ended up joining them. He thought he was dead when he first caught sight of that emblem. This was it. The outside world had finally caught up. Then they helped him. Then he was on their ship. Then Xisuma was asking in a kind voice if he wanted to become one of them. A Hermit.

To tell the truth, if he knew the reaction it'd cause, he wouldn't have agreed. He would have said no, been dropped on a planet with a new identity, and gone on his way into obscurity. Instead, he said yes. He became a Hermit with a capital H. It felt good, at first. To be part of something like that. They had his back, they knew the situation.

The publicity didn't happen immediately. The Hermits were a smaller group back then. It took a short while until the rest of the universe caught up. Even now, he has no idea who first broke the story. One night, he falls asleep, lounging in the pool. In the morning he wakes up to a slander campaign.

Not against him. Against the Hermits. Because of him.

Hermits protecting planet destroyer, Hermits support massacre, Hermits criminal, Hermits, Hermits, Hermits, Him.

Joe is the one who finds him having a panic attack at the bottom of the pool. He's first aware of light touches against his skin, the water swirling in ways he doesn't expect. He opens his eye in a panic, but Joe is already shielding his face. He gestures a thumbs up and it takes all of XB's effort to remember what that means. He nods in a rush, realises Joe can't see that, and tugs him up instead.

They surface together. XB takes a strangled gasp of air, struggling lungs already unhappy. Joe guides him to the side, speaking firm instructions XB doesn't fully process but obeys all the same. Eventually, they sit at the edge of the pool. He can't feel the water around his legs. He can barely feel Joe's hand on his back, rubbing circles. He loses track of time completely.

Joe doesn't leave him.

He waits, his hand and unintelligible words a companion whilst XB fights for air. When XB can make out his counting, he tries to follow Joe's encouragement and take deep breaths. His heartbeat continues racing. He squeezes Joe's free hand tight.

Once he's finally confident enough, he mumbles, "Sorry." Joe makes an audible noise of disagreement. He places something cool in XB's hand. It takes sliding his finger around to realise it's his eye protection.

"Nothing to apologise for," Joe tells him. With his eye controlled, XB can finally see Joe's face. The Hermit is looking at him with a gentle calmness, water dripping from his skin and hair. Without the pounding in his ears, XB can hear them splash against the tiles. "I'm going to go out on one of Cleo's limbs here, and guess you saw the news." XB rubs at one of his fins with a nod.

"I shouldn't have joined you guys."

"I disagree," Joe replies. XB turns away. He kicks his legs just enough to create gentle ripples in the water.

"I've made a right mess of things. For everyone." Joe bloops, leaning onto his hand.

"Hardly more of a mess than before," he tells him. There's no doubt at all in his voice. No anger. "XB, you have to understand we knew what would happen when we took you on. We care about you. Not the opinions of the faceless masses. If we cared about that then we wouldn't get anything done." XB sighs, a drop of water falling from his fin.

"How can you be so calm about this?" He asks. He can't find anything else to say. Joe pats his back lightly.

"In the same way I was calm when False joined." He kicks his feet. "Things will be dramatic. It might feel like the end of the world. But sometimes you just have to trust Xisuma knows what he's doing. And I certainly think he did when he invited you." Joe pushes onto his feet, offering his hand for XB. XB takes it, trying not to use it too much. Joe is sturdy despite that. "This will pass," Joe encourages, "And you will always have a place here."

"That's a pretty bold statement." Joe doesn't let go of XB's hand. He leads them away from the pool, not caring about the trail of water as they go.

"And yet it's a true one." XB chooses to focus on the ground instead. He's...

He'll get back to Joe on that one.

2.

It's not often XB leaves the ship. He has one of the higher bounties out of all of them. Close to False's, and she actually deserves her's. He was terrified of her until she patiently taught him how to handle weapons, not once becoming frustrated as he struggled. She's still terrifying, but at least she's on his side.

Keralis was the one who pestered him out this time. The promise of buying extra fruit had tempted him into the supply run. He just needed a partner in crime (no leaving the ship without one) and pretty please, XB, pretty please?

So now XB is stood in the middle of a store, scanning the shelves and checking his half of the shopping list. He worries his lip, standing and catching a woman staring at him out of the corner of his eye. He continues searching, but her stare doesn't let up. He finally turns.

"Um, excuse me?" He asks, tilting his head in genuine concern. "Are you-" He doesn't expect her to surge forward, fury written on her face.

"If you weren't with those filthy Hermits I'd have you." The woman shoves his chest, forcing his back against the shelves. He blinks, fins flicking in defence.

"Wha-?"

"You go and you murder an entire planet. Don't show a bit of remorse. Then you run and hide behind them like a coward." XB can feel eyes on him now, the entire store falling silent at the exchange. He thinks he might be trembling. He can't quite tell. The woman is up in his face. His hand itches to take his eye protection off, gently put her to sleep and run. But there's witnesses, there's so many people and- "Maybe I should just do it right now. Consequences be damned." Her fingernails scratch into his armour, and he nearly falls as she pulls him forward.

"Oh, wow wow wow wow wow, ma'am." XB has never been more relieved to see Keralis. He steps in between them, blocking her from taking XB any further. "Could you unhand my friend, please? You're not being very nice." To XB's horror, she doesn't, nearly dragging him into Keralis as she gestures.

"What authority do you have?" She demands. "Defending a murderer like this, you should be ashamed of yourself." Keralis holds his hands up, ears twitching very slightly.

"XB is a perfectly good person. No murderer in him. And we'd like to leave, please." There's a threatening hint to Keralis's usually bright tone. The hand around his arm is finally released.

She storms away with a shout of, "You'll get what's coming to you!" XB's legs jellify beneath him. Keralis is quick to get an arm around his shoulders, holding him up.

"Come on, back to the ship with you. That's enough adventure for today." XB nods, resting briefly on Keralis's shoulders. With a bit of effort, he keeps himself steady enough to follow Keralis out of the store. He tries to ignore the eyes that follow them, the tightness it causes in his chest.

"What about the shopping?" His voice is quiet even to him. Keralis shakes his head.

"It's okay. Shishwamy will send someone else to do it. No worries." XB tries to let that comfort him but it only makes his anxiety worse. Once again, things are messed up because of him. This will put them off schedule, someone else will need to come out, and they'll all know it's because of him.

"Maybe," he starts, hesitating and continuing. "Maybe I shouldn't wear my suit when I come out." Keralis chirps in concern, keeping them at the edge of the busy streets.

"And why do you say that?" XB looks at his arm, at the deep colours and intricate patterns and mechanisms that make up the suit.

"It might be easier if people don't like, associate me with the Hermits when I'm in public." Keralis frowns, a big expression on his face. He squeezes the arm around XB's shoulders.

"XB, sweetiepie-" Keralis nudges his head against XB's. The hair tickles enough to make him gently laugh. "-If you don't want to wear your suit for your own safety, that's okay! But don't you go taking it off because you're afraid of making us look bad. No siree! You're a Hermit, XB, and we love you."

"That doesn't change people's opinions of me." Opinions so strong they're willing to threaten him in daylight, and nobody steps in. Keralis chitters.

"Doesn't change people's opinion of me either! But I know they won't be upset if we have to avoid a planet, or I can't attend a meeting. We care about you. And I'm sure there's lots of people out there who care about you too." XB can't bring himself to respond to that. He knows Keralis is discriminated against for being a banshee. But it's just...

It's not the same as being blamed for destroying an entire planet.

XB doesn't go out in public again for nearly a year.

3.

"I can't believe this," Doc announces as he storms into the room. XB twitches, instinctively listening whilst he tries to focus on his book. He's tucked in the corner of the common room, buried in beanbags and mostly out of sight. He can see the wall of Cleo's hair move as she looks up.

"What's happened this time?" She asks, placing her book on the table. She moves her legs so Doc can sit down. It's been a busy few months for the ship. They've had new additions. Doc is one of them. He's fallen quickly into helping Xisuma with negotiations, managing their various relationships with other groups. XB is kinda terrified of him, actually. But he trusts Xisuma and his judgement. He wouldn't do anything to put them in danger.

"A group has dropped their support of us because of the latest drama." Doc collapses into the seat, leaning into the cushions. "I can't believe it, man." XB presses his mouth together, his fins pressing back. The latest drama being people remembering he exists as a Hermit. Some news came out about the planet he- he didn't destroy. He's been avoiding going online but, apparently it's inescapable.

"Seriously?" Cleo asks. She scowls behind her hair. "That's so stupid." Doc hums his agreement.

"I just don't get it." He throws his robotic hand up as he talks, leaning towards Cleo. "I mean, I've barely seen the guy, but he doesn't seem that bad. Not bad enough to make a campaign like this." XB swallows. He puts his book down in favour of squeezing his hands into his robe. Cleo sighs, nodding.

"He really isn't. I don't know why they keep dragging it up." She grabs one of her legs, pulling it up close to her. She leans on her knee. "You should've seen him when he first joined, Doc. Guy looked ready to accept his death."

"He doesn't even look capable of doing that to a planet-" XB almost chokes, standing and abandoning his book entirely.

"Sorry I'm- I'm just leaving." He wraps his arms around himself, ready to stumble out of the room.

Cleo is faster, jumping up and grabbing his arm, pulling him back with a stern, "XB." She pushes him between them, sitting him down and reclaiming her spot. XB ducks his head, tucking his legs up in front of him.

"XB, sorry man, I didn't realise you were in here." Doc sounds apologetic. He's looking at XB with worry, sat a careful distance away to avoid crowding him in. XB still finds him a frightening sight. The un-moving robotics bore into him.

"It's okay," he murmurs, wrapping his arms around his knees. "I would've found out eventually." Doc frowns.

"I meant talking about you like you weren't here," Doc says. "I'm not usually a gossip. Though I would've preferred to tell you more sensitively."

"If we knew they were gonna drop us over some false allegations, X wouldn't have allied with them to start with," Cleo tells him, crossing her arms as she sinks back.

"They don't really know it's false though," XB points out. "I mean, it's not like this isn't a ship of criminals." He can't help his glance at Doc as he says it. Thankfully, the former mafia leader takes no offence.

"I barely know you, XB, and even I can tell it's stupid." Doc's accented voice portrays his emotions well. "You seem like you've been a big help to the Hermits."

"He has been." Cleo pokes his legs with her foot. “You're a Hermit through and through, XB. No escaping it now."

"Everybody here has only good things to say about you, man. I'm proud to call you a crew mate. Who cares what anyone else thinks?" XB smiles, relaxing more onto his knees. It's nice to hear but-

He cares.

4.

XB sighs as he flicks his fins back, fitting his helmet on snug and letting them pop into place. Keralis had to dip last minute, so XB is going to this meeting instead. He's not particularly intimidating, but hopefully he'll be able to defuse the situation if needs must. Two of the newer Hermits are coming as well. He watches as they suit up, making an odd pair. XB still isn't sure what to think of the group. Python vouched for them, but ex-Convex members? Especially such high ranking ones? And now one of them is going to a negotiation with them? Right.

"Is everybody ready?" Xisuma asks. There's a chorus of affirmatives. Doc stands next to Xisuma, files under his arms. "Let's get moving, then."

They keep as a tight unit, going over the plan once more. Xisuma and Doc will be doing the negotiating. XB and Wels, the other new Hermit, are there for protection. Scar, the ex-Convex, is there for luck. XB doesn't get it, and he's not going to ask.

The meeting falls apart from the moment they arrive, really. The crew they're meeting turn and whisper to each other, too quiet for XB's translator to pick up. Their admin steps forward, slit eyes threatening.

"You insult us," XB's suit translates. He can see Xisuma's suit plating shift as he tenses. He speaks in their language.

"I'm afraid I don't know where you're coming from," he replies, his voice controlled even in translation. Their admin steps closer. Any other person would've stepped away. Xisuma stands firm, Doc coming to his side.

"You bring a Convex member and a planet destroyer to our meeting." XB twitches, wanting nothing more than to sneak out of the room. "It is bad enough you grant them safety, but to have them in our negotiation?"

"Scar has denounced Convex, and the allegations against XB are false." Xisuma's voice is level, his posture not showing a hint of weakness. "Do you wish to negotiate or should we end this meeting here?"

"I recommend you leave with your lives while you can." XB shudders, fighting to stay still. He's thankful the helmet hides his expression.

"I recommend you don't threaten my crew." The temperature in the room drops with Xisuma's voice. The other admin steps back, eyeing them suspiciously. Xisuma turns to the Hermits, keeping an eye on the opposing crew. He nods. "We'll take our leave."

They exit at that, all of them keeping a watch that they aren't followed onto the ship. It's only when the door closes behind them that they relax. Wels darts to Scar's side. The ex-Convex collapses against the wall, trembling in his hold. XB looks away. That feels like something private. Definitely not something he'd expect from ex-Convex.

Apparently he's considered equivalent to the Convex. The thought makes him dizzy. Doc and Xisuma are already talking in low voices, recounting what happened and planning their next steps. XB is incredibly out of place. He glances around the room, trying not to feel jealous when he sees how close Scar and Wels are, how gentle Wels sounds, their helmets pressed together. XB swallows and slips out of the entrance hall before any of them notice.

He ignores anyone he passes until he reaches his room, closing the door behind him. His armour comes off, and he dives into the pool in the adjoining space. He sighs, lying face down in the water, barely feeling the fabric layer he left on. The liquid is a friendly pressure. Something comforting after all of... This. No matter what happens, he'll always have water.

Time passes as he lies there, blocking out the world outside the water. He tries not to think about how he's messed things up again. There isn't much else to think about, though. He doesn't understand why the Hermits keep him around when he causes so many problems. Lost deals, alliances, constant bad publicity. All tied to one person. Wouldn't it be easier to cut him off? XB could manage. Maybe he should do it for them.

"XB?" He jumps at the sound of an opening door, instinctively reaching up to cover his eye.

"Eye!" He calls, hearing the footsteps stop.

"Oh," Hypno's voice calls back. "Hold on, dude." XB follows the movement around his bedroom, until an object is placed in his hands with a pat. "There you go." XB pulls it over his eye, checking it's secure before looking. Hypno's crouched in front of him. He smiles, waving his fingers.

"How'd you know I was here?" XB asks, resting at the edge of the pool. Hypno sits down, not complaining about the wet floor.

"Guessed," he admits with a shrug. "They were worried when they realised you'd vanished." XB sighs, resting his chin on his arms.

"They seemed busy."

"Well, they are." Hypno nods in agreement. He crosses his legs so he can lean towards XB. "Xisuma doesn't want to stick around in case that crew turns hostile. But he was still worried about you."

XB frowns, "There's nothing to worry about."

"Is that why you're hiding in your pool?" Hypno asks. It's clearly not a question. XB slouches back into the water. "XB, it's not your fault, dude. You can't keep blaming yourself."

"Then who do I blame?" XB can't help but sound grouchy. If it weren't for him then that meeting might have worked out. Maybe they would've been fine with just Scar. Hypno leans back as he counts on his hand.

"The company for not taking responsibility, the management that decided to frame you, the other employees who were complicit, the news companies that were likely paid off, the ones that latched onto the story without researching it, the ones that keep bringing it up for quick clicks." Hypno turns to look at him. "Do I need to keep going?" XB shakes his head.

"I think I get the message," he replies. "But I'm not sure if it helps." Hypno nods without judgement.

"Then what do you think will?" He tries, instead. XB partially closes his eye to think about it.

"I'm not really sure." Hypno rubs his shoulder. The texture of dry skin helps ground him.

"That's okay." Hypno’s voice is friendly, reassuring. XB knows he's turned this into an impromptu therapy session. He thinks he needs it. "How about we try to work it out together? You're my friend, XB. I want you to be happy with us. I don't want you to feel guilty over things that aren't your fault." Hypno holds a hand out. "So, are you willing to work with me?" XB smiles, kicking up to meet his hand.

"Yeah. I think I can give it a shot."

5.

They'd been outside, spending some time in the sunshine of the planet, then somebody-

XB squeezes his fins, continuing to pace the corridor outside the infirmary. Stress has closed the windows, needing to focus, and XB doesn't want to make anything worse. This is all his fault. Hypno's lying in there having emergency surgery because somebody wanted to kill XB. He finally falls against one of the walls as his legs give way, sliding to the floor with a quiet noise.

He formulates a plan in his head.

He's already been distant lately. This was the first time he'd hung out with Hypno in weeks, and look at what's happened. He can't be friends with people if he's going to hurt them. They'll understand. He hopes they'll understand.

He takes a deep breath.

His memories of the next hour are faint. He packs essentials into a bag. Leaves his suit and communicator neatly on his bed. He takes the emergency savings he keeps tucked away in his drawer, counting through without really taking it in. Though he writes a note, he doesn't remember what it contains. He thinks he stood in the doorway for a few minutes. Used some time to take in the room he's called home for so many years now. He really can’t remember.

Then he sneaks out, carefully unscrewing panels in the water filtration system, replacing them with care. He knows it like the back of his hand. He installed it, after all. The drop from the ship hurts his leg but nothing in his head registers it. He's lucky this is a big enough planet to park her. Means it'll be so much easier to get lost.

He wraps himself up in a coat, pulling it over his features. Some small part of him can't believe he's doing this. The Hermits are all he's known for years. They're his friends. But that's why it's so important he leaves. He survived on his own before. He can do it again.

He finds a room in a hotel for the night. The robotic receptionist doesn't question who he is, accepting the money and giving him the door key. He collapses onto the bed in a heap, realising he has no idea what he's going to do next. His plan kind of trails off here. Perhaps he'll hide out in this hotel until the ship leaves, but that's wasting money. It's probably better to head out for supplies, and get on a ship as far away as possible.

For today, he's exhausted enough to curl up under the covers and hide from the world. It doesn’t feel like he’s part of it right now, anyway.

There's a knock at the door.

He sighs, burying his face into the pillow. The knock only gets more insistent. Realistically, it's either the Hermits or somebody who's here to kill him. The fact they've not broken down the door yet suggests the Hermits. Well, the more responsible ones. XB keeps a hand on his eye strap either way. He's still in the rumpled coat.

He'll admit, he's surprised to see Xisuma in the doorway. The admin is wearing a cloak, his shadowed eyes nearly glowing in the darkness. He looks tired. When doesn’t he?

"Can I come in?" Xisuma asks, keeping his voice quiet. XB nods, stepping aside. If only because X should not be stood out in the corridor of some hotel in the same town someone tried to kill XB half a day earlier.

"I hope you're not here on your own," XB tells him, sitting on the bed. Xisuma finds a chair by the desk, sitting down tidily.

"Some of the others are nearby," Xisuma replies. "They checked it was safe first. Out of concern for you, as well." XB leans against the wall. "Hypno is okay, by the way. He was asking after you." XB sighs, tucking away into the coat.

"You're trying to make me feel guilty."

Xisuma shakes his head, "I'm letting you know. He was worried. We all were."

"He could have died because of me," XB doesn't try hiding it. Not from himself.

"Were you the one who shot him?" Xisuma asks. There's no change from his gentle tone.

"No, but-"

"Then you weren't the reason." XB knows, logically, that's true. He wasn't the one who fired on him. He didn't frame himself, all those years ago. It's just hard to prove that in his head. Not when the consequences are right in front of him. When he’s spent so long thinking about everything he could’ve done differently.

"It feels like I am," he says, tilting forward on the bed. "I don't want to make the people around me unsafe anymore. Any of the Hermits." Xisuma nods, sitting up in the chair.

"If you want to leave, I won't stop you." XB swallows. He really can just leave. Just... Go. "But I want you to consider if that's what you want to do. Not because you want to protect us. We can protect ourselves. Do you want to leave?" XB digs his fingers into his leg.

"I'm not sure." Does he want to leave? He wants to keep the others safe. He wants to stop giving the Hermits his bad reputation. But they're still his friends. His family. He doesn't want to leave them, but he doesn't see a compromise.

"XB." He automatically looks to Xisuma when he says his name. "I am truly sorry I never addressed this with you before. I'm sorry it's been affecting you for so long."

"It's not your fault," XB replies. Xisuma shakes his head.

"I should have done more for you. And I'm willing to offer that now." XB’s fins twitch in confusion. "What do you say we try and clear your name?"

"You don't need to do that for me."

"I want to. The others want to." Xisuma crosses the room, sitting down in front of XB. "That's what I'm offering. You can stay with us. We want you to stay with us. And we'll help you achieve this. However we can."

"Nothing that would put you in danger," XB corrects.

"Nothing that would put the Hermits in danger," Xisuma agrees. XB shuts his eye, considering what that would mean for him. It's not like everyone would believe it. It's not going to solve all his problems. But it's a start. He can't just- keep feeling guilty forever. He's so tired of it. "You're family, XB. We want you happy." XB nods, leaning forward. His body is heavy with relief. Xisuma welcomes him into his arms.

"Okay," he agrees, "I want the same."

+1

XB pauses at the sound of loud shouting coming from the park. He turns, watching Keralis jump to the fence delighted. Hypno laughs, gently pulling XB to watch.

"You can't get me!" A girl yells, dark cornrows pulled into a bun. She climbs onto the play equipment, standing with confidence at the top. Another girl runs to the ladder, her hand held in mimic of a gun. Her blonde hair is done in a braid.

"You can't run forever!" She follows it up with loud 'pew's, hanging off the ladder as she pretends to shoot.

"Yeah, I can put you to sleep!" Another boy climbs up the slide, his brown hair falling into his eyes. Keralis is chirping in excitement, watching with a wide smile. The chirps attract the attention of the blonde. She gasps, losing her grip on the ladder and falling backwards.

Keralis makes a surprised noise. He jumps the fence, rushing to the girl's side. XB doesn't see any parents around, following with Hypno.

"Hey, little madam, are you okay?" Keralis asks, crouching down by the girl. She sits up, bouncing forward with glee.

"You're Hermits!" She cries, voice high and squeaky. The other two kids are peering at them around the play equipment. Their mouths hang open.

"We are!" Keralis agrees. "And what's your name?" The girl's hands spread out across the spongy playground floor.

"I'm Flora!" She grins. "I like it 'cause it starts with an 'F', like False." Keralis nods, offering his hands to stand the girl up again. She wobbles on her feet, spinning to show off her plait. “And we have the same hair colour! It’s so cool!”

"Yeah, False is really cool, isn't she?" Keralis watches with a carefully controlled smile. It’s cute how he tries not to scare them. She jumps, holding her arms out wide.

"She's so cool! She's my favourite."

"Not as cool as Stress!" The other girl calls, running into her friend's back. She nearly sends them both sprawling over again. "She helps people, no matter what! I want to do that." Hypno joins Keralis, pulling XB over with him.

"A very noble cause," Hypno tells her. "I'm sure you'll be amazing." She puts her hands on her hips with a grin.

"Yeah. I'm gonna be the best doctor you've ever seen."

"Yeah, but Stress doesn't have four arms," Flora points out, mimicking each style of weaponry. "How cool would that be?" Keralis laughs, a series of cheerful chirps escaping with it.

"They're both cool, how about that?" He suggests, before it turns into a full argument.

"What about you?" Hypno encourages, holding an arm out for the boy. "Do you have a favourite?"

"His favourite is XB," the dark haired girl says, pointing at him. XB places a hand on his chest, unable to contain a squeak of surprise.

"Me?" He checks, not quite able to believe that. The three nod their heads. They peer up at him in a semi-circle, with bright eyes and curious faces.

"You can put people to sleep like Hypno-" the boy points at him, "-But you got such a cool backstory!"

"Mm-hm!" Flora nods quickly. "Framed by an evil company, joining the Hermits to do good across the universe!" She poses towards the sky, pumping her fist and bending a leg up. XB laughs softly, finding himself hiding behind his hand.

"Oh, oh, oh!" The boy jumps forward, looking between Hypno and XB. "Can you put us to sleep? That would be so cool!" Hypno laughs at that, joined by Keralis's squeaky giggles.

"I don't think that would be smart." He pats the boy's hair, smiling at XB. "But, if you've got something for us to sign, we could do that?" The girl claps, grabbing Flora's hands excitedly.

"We've got our cards!" She shrieks. She grabs the boy's hand. "Ben, come on, let's get them!" The trio run off across the playground, digging in their bags. XB can see the look Hypno and Keralis are giving him. He smiles, ducking his head in embarrassment.

"Don't you two start," he warns, hiding behind his hands. Keralis leans over, gently wiggling one of XB's fins.

"You're his favourite," he teases, voice sing-song. XB laughs, hiding even further.

"Noooo," he whines. Hypno puts his arm around XB's shoulders, pulling him into a side hug.

"And they're smarter than the press," he tells XB, his voice trying to sound serious, but playful all the same.

"Much, much smarter!" Keralis agrees.

"Only 'cause of you guys," XB reminds them. Keralis takes XB’s other side, pinning him between his friends.

“Nah.” Keralis rubs his fist against XB’s head. “You’re just finally getting the love you deserve.”

“Absolutely.” Hypno tilts around so XB can see his smile. XB ducks his head, embarrassed. But the feeling doesn’t leave him. Not as they talk to the kids, signing their cards and telling them (child friendly) stories of their travels. Or amongst the loudness of the other Hermits. His family. He’s a Hermit. And the people who care about him are the ones who matter.

[themoonandhersun]

thinking about.........

two years into zuko’s banishment, iroh decides: “i am going to teach this incredibly hurt child the truth about the fire nation and the harm that it’s done to the world.” because while he doesn’t want to break the news to zuko that his father sent him on a hopeless goose chase, he wants to teach zuko that the fire nation isn’t as great as he was taught to believe.

as first, zuko is angry at iroh—“this is treason, uncle!”—but then, weeks later, he slowly starts to ask questions... because while his teachers taught him that the air nomad genocide was justified, there was always doubt in his mind that the air nomad genocide was actually necessary like he was told it was.

so, zuko learns and grows—once he started to learn about the truth, he couldn’t stop.

uncle iroh takes him to places in the earth kingdom so zuko can see for himself how the fire nation is hated by the world (perhaps king bumi talks to zuko about life before the war and zuko learns from that—even though king bumi is crazy).

and somewhere, when he’s back on the ship, zuko realizes that his father never wanted him to come home. and he takes it, hard, but with uncle iroh by his side, it’s manageable, it’s easier. (he would realize it because king bumi would mention how his airbender friend was the avatar, and it would make him think about how th avatar hasn’t been seen for a literal century.)

a year of growing and learning later, he heads to the south pole after thinking about how, since he isn’t going back home, he should at least try to make nice with places hurt by the fire nation. (again—the fire nation would teach them that the raids were justified, that taking away the waterbenders from the south pole was the right thing for the fire nation to do.) he found scrolls about southern water tribe waterbending, cooking, hunting, and dancing from a pirate ship and bought them. he intends to give it to the tribe and give them supplies as well. (he feels as if it’s the least he can do, since he’s from the nation that caused the south so much pain.)

(by the way, when zuko loses his anger and his aggression, that’s when uncle iroh takes him to see the dragons, and zuko learns: fire is life. and then his firebending is stronger than ever.)

then he sees the blue light in the south pole and turns to his uncle, eyes wide.

uncle iroh isn’t sure what he should expect zuko to say, but—“uncle!” zuko turns to iroh, excited. “do you realizes what this means? we can teach the avatar how to firebend!” is definitely not what he expected to happen.

just... imagine the pride iroh would have in zuko. that all the learning, the growth he had, would not go to waste.

and then they go to the south pole, and zuko is wearing earth kingdom clothes mixed with his fire nation armor. (my headcanon is that the ship crew is just, like, down for whatever, they don’t care.)

and sokka, katara, and aang are confused because it’s a fire nation ship—yet the captain seems to be young, scarred, and a mix of fire and earth? and then... they have supplies for the tribe? the three of them are all apprehensive and reasonably so—then zuko gives them the southern water tribe scrolls he found on the pirate ship and while they’re still on guard, they don’t think zuko wants to hurt them.

then zuko goes on about how he’s a different person than he was before. how he decided to change his destiny (with the help of uncle iroh ofc) and help the avatar. he tells the tribe elders how, even though he’s banished and doesn’t have any connections to the fire nation, he wants to help them and make things right. and that that’s why he bought the supplies and scrolls and etc.

(also—zuko sees how excited katara is to have waterbending scrolls, and thinks she’s pretty. he’s still an awkward turtleduck, though, so he struggles to talk to her. and katara is still not ready to talk to the banished prince of the fire nation, but she thinks he’s cute. imagine “i’ll save you from the pirates,” in a completely different context. imagine “you rise with the moon, i rise with the sun,” in a completely different context. because they won’t be enemies. they will be friends..... or more?)

(also—imagine “growing up, we were taught that the fire nation is the greatest civilization in history, and somehow, the war was our way of sharing our greatness with the rest of the world. what an amazing lie that was!” except zuko doesn’t do it during the day of black sun. he confronts ozai when the sun is shining and redirects that lightning so fast and ozai is shook to his mf core.)

basically this au is just b1 zuko learning what he knew in b3 and being a different, better person because of it and he is just being a big ol’ sweetiepie and wanting to do right by the world by helping the gaang. and yes in this au zuko gets rid of the ponytail early. because he wants to cut ties from the fire nation and how it threw off balance in the world. woo.

[deancaskiss]

hi Sophie ♡ I made time to send you this because you had your exam and your surgery today. I hope it went awesome, sorry to hear that surgery didn't go quite as expected because of what happened to teddy but I'm sure you did awesome anyways.

now to answer...

oh my sweet Sophie, pls don't apologize for taking your time to answer. I work, study and try to be here for most spn news, i get it and you're working in becoming an amazing vet and you write beautiful stories and manage to even do events like the one for your milestone, so don't worry ❤ that being said... my heart skipped a beat when I saw your answer and I was eager to send you this too

I'm 100% in with cinnamon and apple!

I adore Rapunzel! Tangled was awesome and I love the song I see the light. It's just one of thee best scenes ever with all the lanterns (can we have lanterns???).

Yes to mountains, it'll be the perfect view, specially in autumn.

Your writing is perfection, I know I'm only one person and is not much but I love it ❤ and I know I'm not the only one, people just tend to love what you write.

I think I won't stop blushing for the rest of the month after you called me your fiancé ajsndjdks 🥰 I'm melting over this, your vows probably will end me.

Now music. I listen to almost all music. I'm more a soft songs girl but I listen to almost everything. Being able to do that made me discover some beautiful songs from small artists. Sleeping At Last is my favorite artist right now. I love Ed Sheeran and JB too. My favorite song from Ed is Perfect and from JB is Hesitate, makes me weep everytime. Just the I'll thank the oceans for giving me you and then is the all I won't hesitate for you, like is everything. I really love love songs. Oh I love Taylor Swift too.

I had an stressful weekend and week but it's ok, thank you.

I hope you get to rest a little bit this weekend

ly💍🌷💜

hello my sweet darling angel <33 my sincerest apologies that it’s taken me so long to reply to this message! thank you so much for sending this message to me when i had my exam and surgery (funny thing was i literally got the message from you as i was leaving the clinic after surgery and i was exhausted and then i saw your message and i couldn’t stop smiling and i sat in my car and read your entire message before i drove home hehe <3) that exam did go well (i got an 80% on it) and lucky the surgery went well too despite the last minute change in patient. I did get to help out a little during the procedure which was awesome. Our next surgery is this upcoming Thursday and I’m going to be the anesthesiologist (lots of pressure) but I’m excited!

yesssss, answer time hehe!

oh my sweetiepie! I really am so sorry it takes me so long to answer sometimes, but i really appreciate that you’re so understanding of everything i’m balancing! also can i just say how amazing you are with balancing working, studying, and being online for a majority of the spn news, like holy hell you’re a superhero for managing to keep on top of all those things. you thinking I’m gonna be an amazing vet has got me crying omg thank you so much! gosh, i dont think my stories are that good, but hearing you say they’re beautiful makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. awww shucks, thank you for liking the event i hosted for my milestone. I just wanted people to feel included and to share that special feeling with other amazing people in the fandom. ❤️ wait wait omg i made your heart skip a beat??? that’s literally so precious i want to wrap you up in warm blankets!

yessss im so happy you agree with cinnamon and apple scents for our wedding! gotta bring in those lovely rich and comforting smells!

omg i may have just giggled with happiness over you saying you love rapunzel! that’s my favorite song in the film omg that whole scene with the lanterns and the way her and eugene sneak glances at each other because they’re falling in love is so soft. (OHMYGOD yes yes yes we can have lanterns at our wedding i swear i literally just went 🥺🥺🥺 at your adorable idea!)

ooooh yay, I’m so glad you like the idea of mountains for the wedding. you’re so right the view will be perfect in autumn with all the changing leaves!

you’ve just made me blush for the hundredth time by calling my writing perfection. Trust me, coming from you, that literally means everything. Gosh, i dont know how i got so lucky to have people who love what i write. I just never thought my writing would connect with people, and to know it brought us together, that’s like a dream come true ❤️

ajdflkjadfkjssa I MADE YOU BLUSH!!! you’d better get used to it because I’m loudly proclaiming you’re my fiancé to anyone and everyone heheh! okay but literally every time i think ’you cant get any cuter’ you literally get CUTER and I cannot handle it! you melting? precious. knowing my vows will mean so much to you? adorable. your reactions? lovable. your sweetness? perfection.

oh yay, I’m so glad you’re so open to music of lots of genres. soft songs are my weakness. just another thing we have in common <3 I’d love to hear some of your favorite small artists so that i can listen to them too. I’m going to search Sleeping At Last as soon as my exam is over on Tuesday! <3 omg I’m so glad to have found someone else who also loves Ed and JB! omg Perfect is an amazing wedding song hehe. also omg Hesitate is literally one of my absolute favorites (I cried when they played it live on the HB tour before covid)! You plucked out my favorite lyrics I’m gonna sob omg i literally tear up every time I hear joe sing “i thank the oceans for giving me you, you saved me once and now i’ll save you too” because that’s the kind of love i want 🥺❤️ love songs are my favorite they’re just so pure and honest and raw, like you can actually feel the love in every single word in the song. I’m not much of a taylor fan, but i do admit she has some great bops and she’s a super talented artist.

oh no, my love, I’m so sorry to hear that you had a stressful week and weekend. I hope you’re doing okay now? did you have a better weekend this past weekend? did you do anything fun? can i do anything to make you feel better?

ilysm 🌷💍💖💜🥺

[bludino]

I have a disease called bitchites, I can't stop bitching so y'all get to hear if you want to or not.

I love Mao Mao, I've wrote fanfictions drawn fantastic made bs theories cooked up all kinds of head canons, but holy shit is this show mediocre. Most of the episodes are just eh, but I'm not here to bitch about the episodes, I'm here to bitch about the characters.

First on the chopping block; Mao Mao. We're just gonna get him over with right now. Mao Mao is probably the most developed character in the show, but he's still 2D. His character just feels like he's traumatized, has daddy issues and tries to be tough to mask his series of emotional issues. His character is mostly trauma mixed in with an ego as big as Texas. I just feel he's one note. It's disappointing, most of his personality comes from the fans putting some in. Ego is such a loose character trait it's easy for people to build it up.

I once saw a post saying Mao Mao stans have daddy issues, and that is 100% true. Daddy issue people relate to him and since he's portrayed as the main and important character with a loose personality, people project onto him and accidentally give him more personality.

Then there's Adorabat's personality; more the lack of one. What is her character? What makes Adorabat herself? It's nothing, she's just a yes man fangirl with violent tendencies. Honestly if you cut her out of the show you wouldn't miss much. Don't get me wrong; Adoradad was an amazing episode, but it wasn't about her. It was more about Eugene moving on from his dead wife or girlfriend and trusting his daughter, as well as showing how connected Adorabat and Mao Mao are as teacher and pupil.

There was that one episode where Adorabat got a laser Canon on her leg, but there was nothing learned or developed from that. I get it; she's a five year old toddler, kids aren't exactly rich in character at that point, but can't she get a little more like why she wants to be a hero? Does it have connections to her dead mother to show it had an impact on her? Literally anything? Hopefully we can get some more character development in season two, she's a blank sleight so she has a lot of possibility for character development.

Ding ding ding, lightning round!

Tanya is a peice of cardboard, we haven't seen her enough to get a good feel for her character. Shin Mao is a stereotype for an emotional distant and neglectful dad. The sweetiepies are just set peices. Rufus and Reggie also have no character, their just one note villian characters. Bao Bao is a good boy, reminds me of the dog I use to have and died last year. Eugene is also an ok character, he doesn't really have one but his character arch was pretty neat.

As you saw I didn't include King Snugglemane, and that's because holy fuck it ain't good. We've gotten two episodes that feature him promently (I'm not including best in show in this, we don't see enough of him there) one is in my opinion the weakest episode in the series where he's just a spoiled little brat who needs attention. In the other episode he's portrayed as insecure in his own image. He doesn't really have a set character, but I actually don't have that much of an issue with that, but it's how he's coded in the show.

King Snugglemane is very feminine and we see that he has a passion for fashion; a common stereotype for gay men. Weither on purpose or an accident, that how he comes off and it is not good. Granted no one on the Mao Mao staff had confirmed nor denied this, but either way it should be fixed to avoid confusion or to give the audience a better representation of a gay man. Again, not confirmed or denied, but this is how I'm interpreting it.

I saved the worst for last like a smart boi; Badgerclops. Holy shit Badgerclops. Badgerclops is such a fucking prick to Mao Mao. Case and point; the puppet episode and the season two sneak peak. Mao Mao is obviously terrified of puppets, Badgerclops recognizes this, but because Mao Mao refused to admit it the guy torments him with the wooden little fucker. And in the story board we see him use a present Mao Mao gave him to manipulate Mao to do what Badgerclops wants. In his defense Mao Mao and Adorabat were prices to him too, but they fixed it. At least in the puppet episode he doesn't even say sorry. What's fucking worse is that Simon said in a tweet that Badgerclops wasn't suppose to learn anything because it's kid morals and he knows it (I'm paraphrasing, y'all are gonna have to trust me on this because I can't find the screen cap on Instagram) which is ten times fucking worse. Either A, he actually isn't that smart and didn't know any better, or B, he knew it was wrong but did it anyways.

B is way fucking worse, but A doesn't completely clean him up either. He's a dick, straight up, and it's disappointing.

But what's worse is what I realized looking back on the show, is that he is just the comic relief with the least effort put into his character. He says some funny stuff sometimes, but you gotta admit the comedy can sometimes come from the show writers playing off the fact that he's over weight.

I can't be the only one who realizes that the only over weight character that is prominently shown displays stereotypical fat people traits.

I have at least two solid moments to show this. The first is in Sick Mao, where Mao Mao touches all of the king's food when he's sick and Badgerclops is clearly upset to destroy the food. The second is in that episode where Badgerclops refuses to shower, and in an attempt to bathe him they lure him in with beignets and it works. There are also smaller scenes where Badgerclops picks food out of Mao's teeth and ate it, When Badgerclops and Adorabat leave Mao Mao to fight the sky pirates alone in that one episode where Mao gets hella leg Badgerclops and Adorabat fight over who gets to eat Mao Mao's cheesy paws. There's also a more subtler scene in Sleeper sofa when the trio splits up Badgerclops chooses to stay in the kitchen. But that's not all of the stereotypes.

Episode 4 in season one, Badgerclops gets upset and walks home, mentioning how much he hates walking. There's also the episode where Badgerclops runs away to join the sky pirates, the whole reason he does that is because he doesn't want to do his chores. Two other stereotypes that fat people hate exercise and are just lazy. I may be reading into this too much, but holy shit from what I'm seeing it ain't good.

Despite me trashing these characters, I still fucking love this show. It's my hyper fixation, I'm very attached to these characters and love them with all of my beaty little heart and probably will for awhile. I hope everything gets better in the second season and the characters are fleshed out more.

Talk to me in the comments. I'd like to be corrected if I fucked up somewhere or have a civil discussion about these characters. Note civil, if you just call me a stupid dumbo I'm not responding and may delete the comment.

[nekoannie-chan]

Universus

Pairing: Brock Rumlow X Reader

Word count: 1777 words.

Summary: It seemed like a normal training day for you and Brock until Johnny came to ruin the day

Warnings: Angst, this is an Horror AU.

A/N: Universus means Universe.

This is my entry to the @star-spangled-beard-burn ‘s Season of Fiction Writing challenge 2020 with the fall prompt #1:

“I TOLD you I can’t do haunted houses”.

Also my entry to the @marvelgirlonamarvelworld ‘s Val’s 500 Writing challenge with the dialogue prompt #3:

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t the one who fucked us all up. What trouble did you get yourself into now, sweetiepie?”

And my entry to the @anika-ann ‘s 500 Celebration Challenge with the Arrow prompt #5:

“You tell anyone about this, I will kill you”.

“…That’s just an expression, right?”

Is a horror AU.

My native language is Spanish so I wanna improve my writing skills in English if you notice any mistake please let me know and I will correct it.

I don’t give any kind of permission that my fics be posted in other platforms or languages (I translate myself my work) or the use of my graphics (my dividers are included in this), I did them exclusively for my fics, please respect my work and don't steal it. There are some people here who make dividers that anyone can use, mine is not this type, please look for the other's people. The only exception is the ones I gifted 'cuz now belong to someone else. If you find any of my works on a different platform and is not one of my accounts, please let me know. Reblogs and comments are always welcome.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Marvel's characters (unfortunately), except for the original characters and the story.

My other media where I publish: Wattpad, Ao3, ffnet.

If you like it please vote, comment, and give me feedback to improve my skills and reblog.

Tags: @navybrat817

You slipped and winced; Brock turned around and saw you on the floor, he went back to check if you were hurt.

“Are you okay?” He asked offering his hand to you.

"Yes, it's nothing, I just got distracted," you answered taking his hand and standing up with her help.

“Are you sure? You've had a lot of accidents and been distracted all week,” Brock commented with concern.

You dusted yourself off and looked at your boyfriend smiling.

"Come on, we've managed to survive that guy with the weird cloak and the girl who takes daggers out of her hands, as well as the group of weird kids who have a dinosaur."

"I still don't understand why they have a dinosaur," Brock questioned, putting a hand on his beard.

"After all we've been through, are there still things that surprise you?" You questioned incredulously.

"Not exactly, rather it surprises me that without having powers, I am still alive," he replied.

"That is because I’m healing all your wounds in the missions with my powers, but your destiny would probably be different if I didn’t do it," you agreed with satisfaction.

"Always so modest," he said wryly.

“Of course, well next time I won't heal you and I don’t know who’s gonna help you.”

"I don't think you will be so cruel ... are you?" He asked nervously.

"Challenge me and you will see," you threatened.

"You know I love you so much, right?" Brock replied, trying to sound friendly and approaching you.

"Don't even think about it," you stopped him by putting your hand on his chest.

"Don't be mad, babe, but as soon as the fair will be in the town, I will take you to the haunted house."

He got closer and started kissing your arm.

"Noooo, you know I hate haunted houses, let me," you said laughing, you knew what he was trying.

If you let him continue, he would achieve his goal and you could no longer pretend that you were upset with him, although obviously, at night you were going to take revenge. You saw the time and decided it was better to return to compound before they will start looking for them or they will find you in a "compromising" situation.

 Baxter Building

 Johnny saw the object in his hands, he had heard Ben talk about it, and obviously, Reed had created it, although he could not understand what it was for, he shook it a little, but nothing happened.

Maybe he could take it with Y/N and Wanda and see if they could find out what that item was doing or what it was for.

He immediately saved it and went to the compound, it would surely be a very fun visit, as long as the three of you were there you used to have many adventures.

 Compound

 "Hello ladies," Johnny said, entering to the place.

“What are you doing here?” Brock asked.

Johnny and Brock didn't get along at all since Brock thought Johnny liked you.

“What is that?” Wanda asked when she saw what Johnny was holding.

"I don't know, I found it in Reed's lab, but you two are very smart and I know you'll help me find out," Johnny replied, ignoring Brock.

"Well ... it seems ... something Reed is probably going to be very upset if he doesn't find it when he looks for it," you said.

“Oh come on! I don't think…!”

At that time the Multisect activated and everything went dark for a few seconds.

 Unknown place

 You opened your eyes confused, you felt stunned, you assumed that the others were too, you turned looking for the rest, who were lying in the place, you did not know where they were, and you did not even seem familiar.

“Is everyone okay?” Johnny asked, getting up.

“Where we are?” Brock asked sulkily, he was sure you were going to have problems.

"This place is very dingy," Wanda said scared.

"I just hope a madman with a machete or an electric saw doesn't show up and wants to kill us," you said.

"Well, Tinker Bell, take us back to the compound," Brock ordered.

"Yes, of course," Johnny muttered as he waved the Multisect.

You and Wanda exchanged glances, you knew Johnny, and so you would have to find another way to return to the compound… although perhaps you should first find out where you were. Johnny seemed nervous, he didn't know how said object worked.

“Well, well, well. If it isn't the one who fucked us all up. What trouble did you get yourself into now, sweetie pie? ”

“Brock, this is not the time for sarcasm, we must find out where we are supposed to be and, above all, how to return to the compound…”

“Your idiot friend brought us who knows where, we have no weapons apart from those we carry for training, or anything to defend ourselves as we know, we will have to improvise and worst of all, we have not the slightest idea of what the ground, ”Brock interrupted.

"We have Wanda who has powers, Johnny has powers, I have powers, we will be fine, and apart from that is what training is for, right?"

Brock growled disgruntled, he did not like what was happening at all, of course, he could have hand-to-hand combat, which was his speciality, but he knew well that for some things, having some kind of power was more effective and weapons they were a great help too.

���Johnny please, don't lose that thing, I don't care if Reed scolds you, but we surely need it to return home…”

You heard a sound nearby as if someone was dragging chains and stepping on leaves, the four of you put themselves in a position to defend yourselves if necessary.

“What was that?” You asked scared in a whisper.

"I think your question is rather where we are?" Wanda corrected.

"We have two options, or we stay here like idiots while Tinkerbell tries to fix that shit or we start walking to find a way out, obviously we shouldn't separate," Brock suggested.

You turned to see Johnny, who smiled nervously.

"I don't know how it works," he admitted.

Brock sighed exasperated, you would have to walk without knowing what dangers there were.

"I don't know who is more useless if this one or Rogers, although at the moment I think we already have a winner," Brock mumbled.

“Then what do we do? “You asked.

Johnny pushed himself to be able to fly, however, it did not work, just as Wanda tried to use her powers creating a field, there was no success either.

"Okay, we are screwed, I think we will have to walk to get to the highway ... or somewhere that can bring us closer to a populated area, maybe there we can get a phone to call the others and come for us," you said while you were looking for the compass in your pockets.

Once you found it, you started walking towards where the compass indicated that it was the north, Wanda took your hand to try to control the fear that both of you felt, Brock had an angry and Johnny tried to make a flame appear in his fingers.

The forest seemed huge and endless, you lost track of time, you no longer knew if you walked for hours or minutes, each time the place became gloomier.

“Are you sure it's the right way? “Wanda questioned.

"I don't know, I don't even know where we are, I'm just following where the compass tells me its north," you replied.

Suddenly Brock stopped them, you looked at him asking for explanations; however, he put a finger to his mouth to silence everyone, you hid behind a huge tree.

A group of people with masks passed by, it seemed that they had some hostages that they were taking somewhere.

"We should help them," you whisper.

"We cannot care about others."

"Although I never liked him, your boyfriend is right," Johnny said.

you began to walk slowly so as not to attract attention and to run away when you were far enough they ran into another guy wearing another mask, so Brock and you shot him, you did no harm him, he began to chase you, you separated into two groups, you and Brock, Wanda and Johnny, without realizing it.

After you made sure you weren't chasing them anymore, you stopped, turned around looking for your friends while trying to catch your breath.

"Brock ... where are Wanda and Johnny?" You asked raggedly.

"I don't know ... I thought they were coming after us."

“Do we look for them or what do we do?”

"First, not to separate, second, we have to walk trying to avoid those damned fools and find them."

You held hands and began to walk, it was difficult to determine if you had already walked through the place or not, at times you had to run again when you were being chased.

"I TOLD you I can't do haunted houses".

"This is not a damn haunted house, it is a fuckin’ haunted forest," Brock replied.

"Anyway, Brock, I'm seriously scared, we must find Wanda and Johnny," you whimpered.

You were surrounded, it seemed that there was no escape, you tried to run until you ended up crashing into the other couple.

“Are you okay?” Wanda asked terrified.

“We are still alive, but I don't know how long…”

Impulsively Johnny threw the Multisect at the attackers, which activated at the exact moment when it looked like they were going to attack you.

You saw the others without understanding, nobody knew how you came to the compound, and the only thing that mattered was that you were safe. You and Wanda hugged each other while Brock grabbed Johnny by the collar of his shirt to threaten him.

"You tell anyone about this, I will kill you."

"... That’s just an expression, right?"

"No jerk, I'm serious ..."

“Brock is enough, Johnny already learned the lesson, he is going to return the object to Reed's laboratory, right Johnny? “You broke in separating the men.

“Yeah, yeah, of course.

"You know what, we're going to go with Johnny," Wanda said.

You entered the laboratory and Johnny left the Multisect where he had found it, then you went to the hall and there you found Reed.

"Hi guys, haven't you seen my Multisect?" Reed asked.

“Your…what?”

“The Multisect, it serves to travel to other universes… you know, forget it, I don't want you to get into troubles.”

"Doctor Richards, if you knew ..." You spluttered as he left.

[queenmuzz]

Deep Blue Sea

Special thanks to @frostbyte13 for thinking up the title.

Instead of focusing on my Spardaverse story, my brain demanded a multichapter Reader x Mer!Vergil AU.  So here’s the first chapter.

Salt water spray sprinkled all over you as you gripped the railing.  The winds were fierce,  the waves were high, and you were having the time of your life.  Sure, your dad was a bit hesitant of taking the yacht out when the weather so fidgety, but could he ever resist the charms of his little precious girl, especially on her eighth birthday?  So, after some lip wibbling, he'd caved and now you were cruising the choppy waters.

You could say that instead of blood, you had seawater running through your veins.  Your great- grandfather was a a humble fisherman, your grandfather had built up a fleet, and your father had inherited and grown the fishing business to an international empire.  At any one time, he had ships off the coast of Argentina, near the shores of South Africa, dodging icebergs in the Antarctic, and casting out near Newfoundland. Which led to your family being very, very wealthy.  Of course, you didn't know it at the time, being just a child, you just thought that every child could go on their own boat on their birthday.  That being said, while your dad told you that one day you would take over, you didn't seem to find the idea appealing.  You loved the sea for what it was, not for what you could take out of it.  Your father just chuckled and said you would understand better when you were older.

“Sweetheart, make sure your life jacket is on tight!” you heard your father yell over the waves, as he wrangled the ship's wheel.

“Yes dad!” You yelled back, and rolled your eyes.  You hated wearing the thing, it always restricted your movement.  So despite what you just said, you had already undone some of the straps.  Besides, you were the best swimmer in your swimming class, you could handle anything.  You ran across the deck, and when you got the railing, you spread your arms out, like that picture from that movie you mom wouldn't let you watch 'until you were older'.  The waves were tall, tipped with white and you imagined you were on a little toy boat in a giant's bathtub. The winds whistled sharply past you, carrying sea birds with them.  You followed  them as they flew off  to horizon, but then your eyes were distracted.

At first you thought the flash of brilliant blue was a trick of the light, but then a glare of red... and the pale colour of skin, and silvery-white.  Placing your hand up to block the glare, you squinted to see, it wasn't trash, or a boat, or a really colourful bird.  It was one...no two... people swimming in the ocean.  And on further inspection, you could barely make out they were....kids?  That was weird, there were no other boats in sight, and you were miles from shore, how did they get there?

You waved and shouted “Hey!”, and even though they were far away, and you were certain your voice had been drowned out by the sound of the waves and wind, they stopped what they were doing, and you could have sworn they were staring at you.  Perhaps they were in trouble? You waved again, now with both hands out, but at the exact worst moment.  One of the swells, much larger than the other, hit the starboard bow with the force of car, smashing into you, and before you could grab the railing, you were swept off the deck.  All around you was a mass of water, pummeling you this way and that, and without warning, the only remaining snap on your lifejacket undid itself, and your lifeline to the surface was washed away.

You flailed like a ragdoll, a slave to a frenzy of currents, unable to figure out which way was up to air and safety, and which led down to death.  Your lungs burned as they demanded more oxygen, but you were unable to comply, as you tumbled around like some clown at the circus.

Eventually, after a half minute, your arms became heavy and tired, so you stopped struggling against the inevitable, and went completely slack. Your eyesight began to fade, your hearing... wait, were there voices?

“HEY! ARE YOU OKAY?”

“She can't answer underwater, you idiot, we need her to get to the surface right now.”

“But what if they see us?”

“She'll die if she stays down here, we have to take the chance”

You felt the tug a pair, no two pairs of hands around your waist, and you were suddenly jerked in an unexpected direction.  Suddenly, the pressure of the water on your face dissipated, and you could hear clearly again.  You gulped air, attempting  to cram the entire world's atmosphere into your aching lungs.  You were still disoriented, cold and wet, but you were aware of three things, the sky had become darker and more threatening, the waves were higher and rougher...

.... and you were protected by the brunt of it by two figures that you clutched for dear life.

“The boat's too far away! She'll never be able to swim to it, even if there wasn't a storm!” You were vaguely aware of red scales that glittered like rubies, even in the ever diminishing light. “We have to get her somewhere solid, somewhere she can hold onto until it passes, the humans don't start looking for them until the storm ends” A shimmer of iridecent blue scales flickered in and out of your sight.

“Well there's the shore...”

“Too far away, and we might be seen” “Lookout Rock isn't far, but she won't be able hold on, not in this weather!”

“It's her only chance, let's go.”

You felt yourself being... dragged through the water, with the figures (they couldn't be much bigger than you, were they children?) attempting to keep your a head above the waters, but every so often a wave would envelope you, dragging you back under for a few terrifying moments.

“Sorry!” the one in red called out after a particularly large wave. The one in blue remained silent as he lifted you above the crest of yet another wave.  You tried to doggy paddle, to help, but you were so tired.

Finally, your fingertips touched barnacle covered rock, and you gripped onto the rock with all your remaining strength. “Up” a voice ordered, and you struggled to comply, but you were just so tired, and it took everything to  just hold on to the slick algae covered portions.  You heard an annoyed grunt as the one in blue pushed you up, and you heard the distinct sound of fish slapping against something solid. (you'd heard it a million times, when your father would take his business partners out deep see fishing fishing). Looking down, you saw brilliant blue fins... no, no it can't be right.  From his waist down, the boy helping you was completely fishlike.  But above, he looked like a normal kid, except with hair as white as sea foam.  You were tired, and your eyes were playing tricks on you.

“You stay with her Verg, I'll go get help!”

“Wait! Dante!  There's no one out there in th-” but the one with red (fins? Maybe you hit your head on a rock or something) dove back into the water.

“Idiot” he muttered, “I always have to chase after you, little brother...” and you felt him pull away.  In a fit of panic, you whirled around and grabbed his retreating arm.  You stared into his piercing grey eyes, and pleaded, barely more than a whisper.

“Please don't leave me”

And so, grumbling incoherently, he pressed back onto you, shielding you from the worst of the waves as the wind as you clung to the rock, and while he never spoke to you directly, you heard him say “Humans are so weak, it's a wonder you survive on land, let alone out here..” But you didn't mind, tired as you were.  You felt safe and protected, calm, like in the eye of a hurricane, and as the wind died down, you eventually passed out.

*******

You awoke, bleary eyed in a warm, dry bed.  What an intense dream! But... this wasn't your bed, your room, or even your house!  You were much higher than your bed, and the beeping of machines was almost annoying as Timothy at school.  Above you with smiles and tears on their faces were your mother and father.  This made no sense.  They both loved you, but as your dad had once said, they didn't love each other anymore.  And they were never in the same room together if they could help it.

“Oh Sweetheart, you're awake!” your father sniffled as he held your hand.

“Dad?” you croaked, “What happened?  Where am I”

Your mother stroked your cheek, “You fell off the boat, sweetiepie, and during a storm too.” she glared at your father “For shame Charles, what possessed you to take our daughter out in such weather, and without a proper life-jacket!?”

“Carolyn, I told you we would not discuss it in front of her, not right now...” your father growled back between clenched teeth.  That uncomfortable tension from a few years back, before your mother moved out of your house had returned with a vengeance.  You hated it.

“How...did I get here?” you asked, attempting to derail the argument.  It worked, because both their faces softened.

“The coast guard found you, clinging to a rock a mile or so from where you fell off after the storm.  How you managed to get there and stay on it in such terrible weather is a miracle”

You blinked, and wanted to argue that it wasn't just you, some merpeople had helped you...but then you bit your tongue.  After all, merpeople didn't exist, except in movies and books.

You ruminations were cut short by the crinkle of paper, and the pressure of a wrapped box on your lap.

“Happy Belated Birthday, dear” your parents said in unison, for once agreeing on something.  

[kn1feinthec0ffee]

in too deep (part 3)- jules

jules x reader

warnings: language, anxiety, creepiness, some violence, homophobia, overall just weird vibes (if you’ve seen the movie you know what i’m talking about)

TW: MENTIONS OF NON-CON (please don’t read if you’re triggered by this!! this was the bit of the story i had to change for the story to make sense since i swapped mickey’s gender. it doesn’t actually happen, but if the threat triggers you, do NOT READ!!!)

notes: i’m gonna try and keep this one shorter bc writing long chapters stresses me out

also! i’m writing this based on a pdf of the original script for the movie, so some dialogue may be different, or it may be my own creation because believe it or not, there are times that i do in fact possess creativity!!

you woke up with a jolt, dreams of the strangest variety plaguing your subconscious. you reached up to touch your pounding head- well, at least you would’ve if it wasn’t restrained. 

  “what the hell?” you tugged on the handcuffs, quickly realizing your legs were tied down, too, rendering you completely immobile. upon discovering this, you began to panic, breaking out in a cold sweat as you called out for your security blanket. “jules! jules!” 

  “she’s not gonna hear you. she’s down in the basement with sweetiepie.” gloria said calmly as she entered the room. 

not impressed with her answer, you questioned her. “what are you gonna do to her?” 

  “my, my. you asked about her safety before even questioning yours! the bond the two of you share must be stronger than i thought.” she mused, looking down at your panicked expression. “your belle is safe and sound, don’t worry. but if you want to see her again, you’re going to have to cooperate.”

  “cooperate? what the fuck are you gonna do to me?” you wrenched at your restraints, your heart rate beginning to pick up sufficiently. you depended on jules more than any other person in your life, and without her, you began to quickly unravel. 

  “just sit tight, all will be revealed soon enough.” gloria stated with an eerie smile. you hated how calm she was, it made you feel like she knew something you didn’t. “would you like to see some photos of my son?”

was she serious? look at some photos of her son? all you wanted was their car! how did you end up in this mess? the sudden aggravation caused you to lose your composure. 

  “no, i don’t wanna see any pictures of your fucking son! i wanna get my girlfriend and that fucking kid and get the fuck out of here!” you screamed. “i wanna get the fuck away from you and your crazy ass husband! i wa-” your sudden outburst was cut off by a firm slap, giving you little time to react before gloria had you in a chokehold.

  “you keep your damn mouth shut! you won’t refer to anyone in this family like that under my roof!” you spat in her face, taking in a wheezing breath as she let go of you to wipe her face. her sudden anger morphed into what you assumed was her signature brand of unnerving calmness. 

  “you wanted to know what i’m going to do to you? i’ll tell you.” she smiled creepily. “you see, george and i have wanted our own children for the longest time, but that’s just not what the good lord had planned for us. so think of yourself as a vessel for us. an oven for our bun, if you will.”

your jaw dropped, the color in your face draining as your eyes widened in shock. “fuck! what the fuck? that’s so fucking fucked up! you’re not gonna fucking touch me, you bitch!” you couldn’t catch your breath, your chest heaving with every intake of air. 

gloria got up to leave, her long skirt spinning with a flourish as she made her way to the bedroom door. “d-don’t f-fucking leave,” you wheezed as she exited the room, slamming the door behind her.

  “jules!” you shouted. “jules, please fucking help me,” you whimpered, shutting your eyes in defeat.

-------------------------------

time ticked by slowly, your arms and shoulders starting to ache as they were held in the same position. you tried to reposition them to get some relief, but none came. 

suddenly, you heard the door click open, your eyes flitting up hopefully. gloria entered with a grin on her painted lips, making her way towards you. 

while you were in the room by yourself, you had used the time wisely to come up with what would hopefully be a successful escape plan. you looked up at her with your best puppy dog eyes. “gloria, can we talk?” 

  “absolutely. what’s on your mind?” it was creepy how quickly she seemed to get over your defiance from earlier, but you pushed the thought from your mind. 

  “well, honestly, your proposal.” you began. “i know how i acted the other day was totally uncalled for, and i’ve reconsidered.”

  “well, you didn’t really have much of a choice, sweetheart, but i’m glad you feel that way.” she stroked a hand over your stomach, making you feel physically sick. “is there anything else?”

  “yeah, there is. can we start now? i wanna start these happy nine months as soon as i can.” you faked a smile, the words coming out of your mouth churning your insides. 

  “well yes, i guess that could be arranged,” she moved to get up and you panicked, your plan quickly setting out of motion. 

  “wait!” you exclaimed. “can you uncuff me? i don’t think it would really be enjoyable if i was tied down like i am now.”

she looked skeptical, but sat down next to you anyways. “give me one good reason you wouldn’t be trying to escape as soon as i untied you.”

  “well, i’ve had a change of heart.” no i haven’t. “i’ve considered it, and i think you’re right.” no you’re not. “i think this experience would be really beneficial to me,” no it wouldn’t. “especially if i wasn’t chained to the bed the whole time.” definitely not.

  “it seems that you’ve really put some thought into this, i’m very proud of you.” gloria crooned. she sat on the side of the mattress, working on uncuffing your hands from the bedposts. as soon as both your hands were free, you took a tight grip of her hair and used your body weight to launch her off of you and onto the floor. she cried out, clutching her head as you worked at the ropes around your ankles. 

  “you psycho fucking bitch!” you cursed at her. “i’m getting my girlfriend and that fucking kid and we’re getting the fuck out of here!” once your legs were finally free, you took off, running down the stairs as the damsel called out for her husband. 

you raced towards the door, prying at the handle, when a gunshot goes off right next to your head. you jumped in fear, raising your hands in defense to see george at the top of the staircase, wielding your pistol. 

  “exactly what in the hell do you think you’re doing? get your ass up here!” he shouted, waving the weapon threateningly. when you stood frozen in your tracks, he spoke again. “i’m a crack shot, kid. i missed you on purpose that time. now get on up here.” 

you grudgingly headed up the stairs, keeping your wide eyes facing straight ahead. you heard gloria sobbing in the other room, sounding as distraught as ever, and you knew you were in for it. “who the hell raised you like that? you of all people making a woman cry like that.”

  “i’d blow your brains out if i thought you had any,” george sighed. “well, i’ll tell you one thing; you’re a bit too spry for my liking.” 

suddenly, he pulled the trigger, and the bullet ripped through the meat of your thigh. you screamed in agony, clutching the wound as you cried out. “fuck! what the fuck? you just fucking shot me!”

he acted like it was nothing, simply tossing a towel at you to stop the bleeding. “quit your whinin’, ya sally. we’ll get you bandaged up.”

----------------------------

  “don’t make me put another bullet in ‘ya. just behave, goddammit!” george growled as he dragged you down the basement stairs. through your hazy vision, you were able to make out jules handcuffed to a pole not too far away from the girl. he drops you to the floor, yanking your hands behind your back and cuffing them next to jules’. 

  “y/n!” jules called out, a happy yet worried smile making its way onto her lips. her gaze landed on your leg, her eyes widening when she saw the bloody wrappings. “oh my god! you motherfucker, what did you do to her?”

  “what are you blind? i shot her.” george stated matter-of-factly. “now you two keep quiet down here. keep an eye on ‘em, sweetiepie.” he looked over to the girl before heading upstairs.

  “fuck, i’m so happy you’re alive, baby! i heard those gunshots go off and i was so scared i was gonna lose you! are you okay?” jules blurted out, trying to turn towards you. 

  “it hurts so fucking bad, but i’m okay.” you panted, breathing labored. you wriggled your arms, pulling on the cuffs frustratingly. 

  “can you pick it?” jules asks hopefully. your heavy eyes darted around the basement, searching for something in arm’s reach small enough to fit in the keyhole. 

  “i don’t have anything to pick it with.” you huffed, leaning your head back against the pole as tears of frustration brimmed your eyes. “shit!”

you peeled your eyes open to look around the room once more, eyes landing on sweetiepie as she stared back at you in fascination. you had had enough of this little girl; she was the reason you were in this whole mess. if she just would’ve fucking cooperated, the three of you could be outta here and on the route to florida. “oh, i’m so glad you’re here, i didn’t get the chance to say fuck you!”

jules nudged you with her elbow, as if to discourage you from swearing at the child. “leave her alone, she feels bad. she didn’t know what she was doing.”

  “how the hell do you know? she talked?” you asked in confusion at her statement. 

  “i don’t know, i just do.” jules shrugged. sweetiepie had resumed playing with her toys once more, the little princess dolly riding away on the heroic stallion’s back. you sighed at the seemingly hopeless situation, letting your eyes fall shut. 

this was gonna be a long night. 

***************************

okay so an itty bitty change of plans: if this ended where it was originally supposed to, it would be really long and kinda unsatisfying (to me at least), so i’m splitting this into two chapters. 

which means that instead of a 5-part series, this will be 6 parts! it just makes more sense to me that way. 

anyway, i hope you guys enjoy!! i really had fun writing this part!

tags: @emmyrosee​ @flowers-in-your-hayr​​ @willyourecognisemee​ @bill-skarsgard-owns-my-ass​

[realfuurikuuri]

For Fox Sake

MMHOPH Missing Arm! AU fic Chapter 2

WC: 2,888

AN: Again, made using the MissingArm!AU created by @spookylovesboba And it’s now on Ao3 if any of y’alls want so read it there. I reccomend you do becuase chapter 1 had some editing issues that were fixed. Writing this chapter was fun. I like Rufus and Reggie. They force things to be less about fights and more about words. A song rec for this chapter would be Won’t Get Fooled Again - The Who (the cultured among you will notice that it’s also the theme song to CSI: Miami). Will tamble in tags some more. AO3 Link

Mao Mao sat on a bench, nursing a cup of coffee that had started to become tepid. Adorabat and Badgerclops were there with him. They weren’t doing much either. They tapped away on their games without a care in the world. He thinks it was called Mini-mons, or something. Mao Mao would have reminded them that they were on patrol if the day wasn’t so slow. The only thing he did was give Pigguns another driving ticket, which he does every day, so it wasn’t anything but routine at this point.

In his boredom, Mao Mao’s mind began to wander. The first of which being Jǐngtì. He probably went back to meet up with Tanya. Hopefully, she could give the kid the talk Mao Mao couldn’t. The next thought that passed his mind was the valley itself. It was a strange place. He knew that it was guarded by the Ruby Pure Heart. Did the thing have to do with the sweetipies? They were strange creatures. Despite their age, they all seemed like children. Destructive, naive, gullible, children. Even the ones who he assumed were older were still flagrantly immature. Snugglemane and Camille being prime examples.

“Hey, Badgerclops,” he said.

“What do you want Daddy Issues I’m doing -Oh C’mon not Dirtmon,” he said, tapping buttons on the game even harder.

“You think the Ruby Pure Heart has something to do with the sweetipies?”

“Elaborate.”

“I mean do you think it has to do with why they’re all so… immature… and feral?”

“Nah, dude I think that was just the barrier thingy. No problems; no need to learn, right?”

“I suppose that makes sense.”

“You need to find something to do. You always get so questiony when you’re antsy.”

“I would if there was something to do.”

“Play Mini-mons with us?”

“No.”

“Then go find some sweetiepies or something. All they do is commit crimes, to be honest. Shouldn’t Puggin’s be speeding around now?”

He couldn’t say Badgerclops was wrong about that. Mao Mao got up and threw away his coffee. “No he gets his daily ticket at 4:00, but you have a point. I’ll see you around.”

“Okay dude I’ll be… losing to this child. Get me a pie if you’re going to the bakery.”

Mao Mao almost told him to go get it himself when he sighed and decided to go along with it.

* * *

Rufus could barely believe his luck. He sat at the table watching Muffin stack all sorts of valuables on the table. Golden coins, priceless gems, paintings, and a menagerie of riches that would fit a king. He was eyeing a golden watch on this ugly little mouse’s wrist, searching his head for a con, when the thing walked up to him. He was eyeing a golden watch on this ugly little mouse’s wrist, searching his head for a con, when the thing walked up to him. Somehow Reggie managed to pull a scam out of nowhere that the creature actually believed.

Just an hour ago he was looking for yet another town to go to where his face was unknown to run another scam, only to find a surprise kingdom that wasn’t on any maps. Even better than that was that everyone here was dumb as bricks! Rufus kicked back to watch more savings be put on the table when a strange cat walked in. To be fair, the black cat only looked strange relative to the technicolor weirdos.

“Can I get another Everyberry...” The cat’s voice died out as it caught sight of Rufus Regg and the stack of treasures.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed,” Muffins, what are you doing?”

“Well, I was making some pies when these two nice gentlemen come in. They looked like the wanted to talk to me, so I go up to them and it turns out their distant relatives who are looking to set up a branch of the company here. They just need some investment to set up shop, and well you don’t say no to family,” Muffin said.

“You're savings,” he did a double-take looking at the stack of treasures before shaking it off,” that… comes later. Muffin, right now you need to stop giving them their money.”

Rufus began to wonder if things were starting to sour.

“Why not help family?”

“Muffins you are a yellow mouse. That is a raccoon and fox.”

“And?”

The cat looked like he was about to strangle the mouse when he took a deep breath,” listen, they aren’t your family. They’re scam artists taking your money.”

“A preposterous claim, under what authority do you have to make those allegations,” Rufus asked with all the feigned bravado he could muster.

“The crown’s.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I’m the sheriff.”

* * *

Mao Mao watched the fox’s eyes go wide as he forced himself to wear a smile. “Ahhh, I see. Well, you must be a busy person, as are we, so you must understand if we have to cut this engagement short. We have places to be you know.”

“You’re both under arrest.”

“Run!”

Rufus quickly grabbed his companion and bolted out the door.

Mao Mao checked his watch. It was 3:50. If he did this quick he should be able to give Pigguns his ticket. After giving them a fair head start before he crashed through the storefront to give chase. It was pretty disappointing, to be honest. The grifters weren’t particularly fast or smart. They made the horrible choice to run right to the kingdom gates. Mao Mao knew twenty different shortcuts that could have put him ahead of them, but he didn’t need to use any of them. He checked his watch; It was 3:58. Mao Mao picked up the pace, closing in on them at blinding speed.

He drew his sword and leaped forward. He screeched to a halt at the last intersection. Instead of giving chase, he rested his arm on Geraldine, and began to write on his notepad.

“Ha-Ha! Yes! We did it Regg. We’re free! We’re-”

Rufus learned why the sheriff stopped when Slim-Pigguns careened down the road. Mao Mao calmy stuck yet another ticket onto Pigguns’ car as it zoomed by, and waited. When the smoke cleared the fox was kneeling next to his roadkill companion. Unfortunate that it didn’t hit both.

What a great day! He captured the scammers and gave Pigguns his ticket all at once. Whoever said a “ bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”could go get fucked. For once in his life, Mao Mao was feeling proud of himself. That and his little joke must’ve been why he laughed. He laughed, and he did it quite loudly.

Slowly, Sweetipies began to crowd around, murmuring amongst themselves.

The sweetipies pushed past Mao Mao, crowding around the raccoon. “Poor thing, who did this to you?”

A wicked glint ignited in the foxe’s eye,” it was the sheriff. He did this.”

“Oh my god, you think anyone is actually going to believe... that.”

The mob turned to face Mao Mao, moving like a single angry creature.

“What a monster,” a sweetiepie said

“I knew he’d lose it eventually,” said another.

“Oh, come on! You can’t actually believe him!”

“What a horrid man.”

The crowd began to close in on Mao Mao.

“That’s preposterous. I would never do something like that… without reason, at least. Either way, you can’t just believe a couple of strangers right?”

“I knew we shouldn’t have made him sheriff.”

“Woah, woah, woah, that’s enough,” Badgerclops said over is police siren hand to get through the crowd.

“What on earth happened here?”

“The sheriff attacked this innocent man.”

He and Adorabat looked over to the Reggie then back to Mao Mao.

“You seriously can’t believe them,” he said.

Adorabat sucked air in through her teeth,” Badgerclops, should I tell him?”

“Now. Now let’s not make assumptions,” Badgerclops said before immediately huddling down and speaking in a whisper. “What the fuck, dude? I know I already have bags packed, but geez.”

“I didn't do it! It was Slim Pigguns who did this!”

“Can you prove it,” the fox choked out.

“Prove it?” Mao Mao marched through the crowd, grabbing, shoving and tossing Sweetipies out of the way, grabbing the fox by the collar. “Of course, I can prove it. Its what happened!”

“Could you prove it in a court of law?”

“Sure!”

“Then we will. I sue the Pure Heart Valley Sheriff’s Department.”

“What,” Mao Mao, Badgerclops and Adorabat screamed in unison.

“No. In fact, we’ll sue the Pure Heart Valley itself. We’ll sure for everything it owns.”

Mao Mao and the three of them quickly formed a team-planning hug. “He can’t actually sue the entire valley for everything it owns, can he,” Adorabat asked.

“Don’t ask me. Ask Mao Mao.”

“Well… they might. The article that relates to suits against the kingdom doesn’t exactly put a limit on what can be demanded.”

“Don’t worry Daddy Issues. I already got our bags packed and-”

“We are not running!”

“Why not, I don’t really wanna be here when you lose the case.”

“I won’t lose the case because I didn’t hurt him.”

“You sure,” they asked.

“Yes, I’m sure. He got run over by Slim Pigguns. I didn't hurt him. Why is that so hard to believe?”

“Because that would be ridiculously on-brand for you. It's not an ‘if’ but ‘when’. I already have bags packed for when it happens.”

“You have what now?”

“Nothing. Anyways, if you want to challenge them then we go to court,” Badgerclops said.

“I’ll handle the case and you... try not to be yourself. Or at least don’t be yourself in front of the sweetipies.”

“What?”

“Oh! Oh! Oh! What do I do,” Adorabat asked.

“You’ll be his PR,” Badgerclops explained.

“Yay!”

Mao Mao began to consider if it was time to use those emergency packs.

* * *

Mao Mao didn’t know if the sweetipies had any foresight or common sense. Rufus could literally sue the valley for everything it owns, and for some reason, the sweetipies were taking Rufus’ side. The fact that Snugglemane was in control of the proceedings was the shit icing on top of the shit cake. Mao Mao tapped his fingers against the table. The court was taking too long to start. The jury was seated and the spectators mumbled amongst themselves. Snugglemane fiddled with the white wig he was wearing over his usual one. Rufus and Reggie weren’t here yet. Badgerclops wasn’t present either. Only Adorabat was here, which wouldn’t be much help since she’s his “PR” and a child.

Everyone turned when the doors opened. Rufus rolled his friend in on a stretcher. Despite the obvious greed in his eyes, Mao Mao could see genuine concern for his friend. Granted, that didn't stop him from wanting to see the fox on a stretcher as well.

“Oh good, the prosecution is finally here. Let's get this thing started,” the king said banging his gavel.

“But my defense isn’t here yet,” Mao Mao objected.

Adorabat took the stage. “Don’t worry,” she said,” I got this.”

“Aren’t you like... Six?”

“Seven, actually.”

Snugglemane considered it for a moment before banging his gavel. “Good enough for me. The Prosecution has the stand.”

Rufus stepped up. Mao Mao thought it was weird for Rufus to be speaking for himself, then again it's not like the valley has any lawyers.

Rufus cleared his throat, speaking in a pained voice,” Thank you, your… Honor? Majesty?”

“Call me both.”

“Alright, you're Honorific Majesty.”

The king giggled; the sheriff rolled his eyes.

“As you all know,” he began,” I had come to the Pure Heart Valley to visit a relative. Muffin, a distant cousin of mine-”

“Oh, c’mon. You are a fox. Muffin is literally a yellow mouse,” Mao Mao interrupted.

“Silence,” the king demanded with his gavel. “The prosecution has the floor.”

“As I was saying. I came to the valley because I’d come across some financial troubles. I’ve been trying to start a business of mine. A newspaper in fact. Everything was going smoothly till that brigand appeared.”

The crowd hissed and booed at Mao Mao. The king didn’t bother to stop that interruption.

“This foul creature chased me all the way through town. When he finally caught up with me. He proceeded to do… this to my friend.”

The crowd winced and ooed in sympathy for that awful fox.

“A heartbreaking tale,” the King sniffled. “Does the defense have anything they want to say?”

“Yes,” Adorabat said.

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Then speak your piece.”

“Um.. line?”

Mao Mao pinched the bridge of his nose.

* * *

Mao Mao did not expect much from a defense set up by a seven-year-old, but by god, it was somehow worse. Adorabat was naive and easy to manipulate. Rufus found it easy to set up leading questions.

“Do you think the sheriff is responsible for his actions?”

“Ehm… yes?”

“Is he one of those hateful people willing to attack others?”

“I suppose.”

“Does his tendency to attack first without asking questions often bring others to harm?”

“King, I object,” Mao Mao interrupted.

“Say the full titles.”

Mao Mao swallowed his fury. “I object to his questions, your Honorific Majesty.”

“On what grounds?”

“Well, the fact that they’re all loaded questions and Adorabat actually being a seven-year-old toddler.”

“That’s no grounds for an objection. You elected her to be your defense of your own accord. It conflicts with no rules or laws.”

“Laws here make no sense, though. The fact that you’re suing an entire county for everything it owns is proof enough.”

Rufus and Mao Mao began to argue more and more. Snugglemane pounded his gavel demanding order, but no one listened. Things just got louder and louder, wilder and wilder until Rufus and Mao Mao were grappling on the floor of the courtroom.

“I’ll tear your eye out you armless bastard,” Rufus yelled.

“I’d like to see a corpse try,” he responded.

They only calmed down when the guards pried them apart When the guards finally pried them apart they were both left beaten and bloody. Mao Mao punched Rufus in the stomach; Rufus bashed him in the nose, along with the countless bumps and bruises they shared. Although, Rufus was definitely worse for wear. His left arm was twisted in all the wrong ways. Mao Mao couldn’t even feel proud of that. His head was throbbing and there was this awful hum.

No the hum wasn’t in his head. More heads began to turn when the noise got louder and louder. It was a hum, that grew into a rumble; a rumble so loud he courtroom began to shake. It sounded like a car… no, it was a car. Mao Mao quickly shook himself free of the guards, grabbing Adorabat as the wall caved in with a mighty crash.

Mao Mao waved the smoke away, clutching Adorabat to his chest. “You alright,” he asked.

“I’m fine,” she coughed out.

Despite the damage, no one seemed to be hurt. Pinky was laughing maniacally, so the sweetipies were fine, the king peeked his head from behind the podium, and unfortunately, the grifters were still alive. Despite the car belonging to Slim Pigguns Badgerclops stepped out first. He took a few tentative steps before he threw up his lunch. Slim Pigguns stepped out more concerned for his car than anything else.

“What is the meaning of this,” the king growled.

“Well… god damn… that was horrifying,” Badgerclops heaved in between breaths,” I have proof that… Mao Mao didn’t… do it.”

“What’s the proof?”

“Witness... testimony. I call to the stand… Slim Pigguns!”

The fox’s eyes went wide.

“Hm?” Pigguns poked his head up, not even paying attention to the court.

“Mr.Pigguns, could you tell us what happened when you ran over the raccoon?”

“Yeah. I was going for my daily drive, when I got near the gate I felt a bump.”

“And you didn’t stop?”

Pigguns just shrugged,” it happens.”

“This is just testimony! Can you prove he was even there,” Rufus objected.

“I still have the sticker Mao Mao gave me.”

“That’s a speeding ticket,” Mao Mao added from the back.

Rufus began to sweat. Nm “Do you have any physical evidence?”

“Does the fender with your face still dented into it count?”

“I’ve been meaning to buff that out,” Pigguns mumbled.

Everyone turned to face Rufus. He pulled at his collar. His calm, collected demeanor beginning to give way to panic.

“Does the prosecution have anything to say,” the king asked.

Rufus balled his hands into fist before sinking low,”... no, your honor.”

“Say it right.”

“Just give us the verdict, already.”

“So rude,” the King banged his gavel,” I deem the defendants not guilty of assault and declare that the prosecution be jailed upon charges false accusations and wasting the courts time. The defendant's punishment shall be to clean up this mess.”

“What, why?”

“Because you’re all rude. So very rude.”

“Could you at least take me to jail first,” Rufus asked.

“I’m not going to put you in jail,” Mao Mao said.

“What?”

“I am, however, going to put you in the hospital.”

Mao Mao pounced at him when Bagderclops grabbed him out the air,” as I said. It's not a matter of ‘if’ but ‘when’.”

[tumbler-tidbits]

Coming to Your Call

Square filled: Dirty talk

Word count:

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Warnings: Smut adjacent, dirty talk, phone sex, masturbation, d/s elements if you squint

Summary: It’s your birthday and even though he’s away on a hunt, Dean has quite the surprise.

A/N:This is my drabble for @covered-byroses 1 year blog birthday challenge. My prompt was “What a thing to say - and on my birthday!” it's in bold. This is also fills my first square for @spnkinkbingo

A/N #2: All mistakes are my own. Thanks to my girl @maddiepants for looking this over and helping me smoothe things out 😘love ya babe. This is my very first smut everyone please be kind!

The bunker was quiet with just you there to wander the halls. Your boyfriend Dean and his brother Sam had taken off a week ago to hunt a pack of werewolves in Oklahoma. Normally you would have tagged along, helped them out, but your friends had insisted on taking you out for your birthday, which was the only reason Dean would let you stay, “as long as you celebrate” he said. So you stayed home, only to get a call last night from Kelly saying she had to head out and help a fellow hunter Beka with an angel problem. She apologized profusely, said she’d make it up to you, but you assured her that it was fine.

Now that your birthday had finally arrived, you couldn’t help but feel all alone and just a bit sad. So you plopped your sulky, sweatpant wearing ass in the Dean cave with armfuls of snacks and binged Netflix for hours. You were in the middle of watching some random rom-com when your cellphone rang, startling you out of your stupor. You picked it up and read the caller ID. It was Dean. You smiled as you clicked to accept the call and held it your ear, answering with a

“Heya Handsome”

“Hey Sweetheart” Dean started “Happy Birthday”

You grinned, “What a thing to say - and on my birthday!”

“Very funny smartass” Dean chuckled

“I’m kidding! Thanks babe”

“So. Kelly called me”

“Did she?” you asked.

“Yeah, somethin about havin to cancel on ya cuz of some dick Angels” he said.

“Yeah” you sighed, “but you know, saving people…”

“I’m sorry Y/N I didn’t want you to be alone on your birthday”.

“It’s fine Dean, I’m a big girl, I can handle a lonely birthday” you replied.

“ But you shouldn’t have to” he returned, ”soooo I was thinking, maybe I could give you a preview of the present you’ll get when I come home”

“Really?” You said, adding a sultry tone to your voice, “what did you have in mind?”

The low grown emanating from the other end of the line told you where this conversation was headed, and you were all for it.

“I can't wait to see you. I'm so hard just thinking about getting my hands on you again. Feeling your plump ass. Kissing down your neck. Tasting your sweet pussy"

"Uuhhmm" you moaned. After a week without Dean, you were horny as hell and with just those few words you felt your panties get wet with your slick. Your hand traveled down your body and into the waistband of your panties as you started playing with your folds.

"Whats the matter baby girl? Am I getting you all hot and bothered? Are you touching that pretty pink pussy?"

"Yes Dean" you moaned

"How wet are you right now? Tell me"

"So wet Dean, my panties are soaked just thinking about you" you moaned as you slid a finger inside yourself and started pumping it in and out.

"I love to hear the sounds you make when you fuck yourself." Dean replied and you could tell by the sounds he was making that he was palming himself through his jeans. That thought spurred you on.

"I can't wait to feel you huge cock inside me again baby. Making me scream. My fingers just aren't enough"

"Is that right baby girl? Did I ruin your pretty pussy with my cock? That's my pussy. Say it"

"Yours Dean, my pussy is all yours"

"Good Girl" he praised "Now I want you to rub that clit for me baby"

You obeyed immediately. "Yes sir" you panted as you removed your soaked fingers from your hole and slid them up to massage your clit. You whined Dean's name as your fingers increased their pressure and speed. “I'm gon.. i'm gonna…” you panted as you felt the coil in your body tightening. You applied more pressure and increased your speed until you could feel that you were right on the edge of your release. Dean knew it too.

"Come for me Y/N" Dean growled, and you did. The coil snapped and you came hard on your own fingers, screaming Dean's name as you slowly came down from your high. After a few moments Dean spoke up,

"You ok sweetheart?" Dean asked, and you swear you could hear his smirk through the phone,

"Better than ok" you replied "When are you coming home?"

"We're hitting the road now, should be home by morning"

"Good, I'll be waiting... In your bed"

"I can't wait, and you better be naked"

"Yes sir"

END

Taglist: @idreamofplaid  @dean-winchesters-bacon @maddiepants​  @pisces-cutie   @covered-byroses @currentlyfangirling99 @treat-winchesterswith-kindness​  @spnmightkillme @spnfamily-alwayskeepfighting @team-free-will-you-idjits-67 @xxhalfbloodprincessxx @supernaturalsammy01 @sammyimpala-67 @lunarboycas​  @ladywinchester1967 @sweetiepie-dean @fangirl-forevers-world  @thoughtslikeaminefield @supernatural-teamfreewillpage @supernaturalsammy01​ @ruthiesconnells​ @bobasheebaby @evansrogerskitten @missjenniferb​  @sculptorofbeginnings​ @kbl1313  @spnskinnyballs @getnaildbyme

[lokilickedme]

Part 3 of Read By Loki Laufeyson - Fifty Shades of Grey

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own (no longer available there) 

Rating:  Mature

Archive Warning:  No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:  F/M

Fandom:  Loki - Fandom, Loki (Marvel) - Fandom, The Avengers (MarvelMovies), Tom Hiddleston - Fandom

Relationship:  Loki/His Book, Ana/Christian

Character:  Loki, Loki Laufeyson, Loki (Marvel), Ana Steele, Christian Grey

Additional Tags:  Explicit Language, this book deserves its own warning tag, one that says DON'T READ ME, Explicit Sexual Content, lame and exceedingly silly descriptions of sex acts

Series:  Part 3 of Read by Loki Laufeyson

Stats:  Originally Published 2016-02-27   Words: 3386 (original version)

Part One:  The Night Manager

Part Two:  High Rise

   50 Shades of Grey, Read By Loki Laufeyson by lokilickedme 

Summary:  Loki reads 50 Shades and throws up multiple times. I would offer my apologies to E.L. James, but she doesn't deserve it. 

Notes:  See the end of the work for notes  

  This shitshow gets on the shaky road with a dedication that made the right side of my face twitch before the story even got started.  It's dedicated to "the master of my universe" and as of right this very moment I'm ready to preemptively toss it into the bathroom, not as reading material for my next luxury soak, but as a replacement for the empty roll of toilet paper that I keep forgetting to run to the store for.  Fuck me people, she didn't even capitalize "master" and ANY GOOD SUB KNOWS THAT NOT CAPITALIZING MASTER IS A MASSIVE SHOW OF DISRESPECT AND YOU DESERVE THE ASS BEATING YOU GET FOR IT - WITH ZERO AFTERCARE.  Don't ask me how I know that, but go ahead and fight me, this is a hill I’m willing to die on.  If this person is writing a book that's touted as an even remotely accurate accounting of a Dom/sub relationship, I can tell you right now, she doesn't know jack shit. 

So I've read a couple of pages and I'm already looking around for my seizure meds when I realize I don't take seizure meds.  I will after this, I might as well go ahead and call it in.  I'm to the part about Wanda the Volkswagon when my anticipatory boner not only goes away, but retracts so far up into my scrotum as a result of the most horrendous writing I've seen this side of Thor's second grade book report on Anne of Green Gables that I'm thinking I might just be female now.  I mean seriously?  This hurts.  I’m not even exaggerating, if you have a penis it’s going to draw up into your gall bladder.  If you have a vulva it’s going to need a vat of Burt’s Bees Extra Moisture Replenishing Salve and a bottle of cranberry capsules.  I’m not even female at the moment and this thing gave me a flaming UTI.

 I’m not sure Wanda, my old VW Beetle, would make the journey in time.  Oh, the Merc is a fun drive, and the miles slip away as I floor the pedal to the metal. 

People, this is a published book.  Someone got paid for this.  It got made into a movie.  I haven't even gotten to the sex yet and I'm already Google mapping monasteries within a one-hundred mile radius because I'm ready to take my vows.  No, this book hasn't made me believe in a higher power.  It has taken away my will to ever get laid again.

 The elevator whisks me with terminal velocity to the twentieth floor. 

Holy fucking shitballs people, terminal velocity by its very definition means someone is going to die.  Is this person wearing a pressurized speed suit?  Do they hand them to you at the door before you go into the elevator?  How does the building tolerate the mechanics of generating that kind of speed?  And if by some random blessing by some random god who won't be getting any thanks from me she actually survived this trip to the twentieth floor, her brains would be leaking out her asshole.  That's not the way to make a good first impression, sweetheart.  Take the fucking stairs next time.

 It’s a stunning vista, and I’m momentarily paralyzed by the view.  Wow. 

Yes, wow.  Paralysis is rarely ever momentary darling, and it does ugly things to pretty girls.  Like, rendering you a jelly-like heap on the floor because your muscles don't continue working while you're paralyzed.  Paralysis sort of means your muscles have stopped working. 

I've begun highlighting every word I come across that the author obviously doesn't know the definition to.  Fake it till you make it, right darling?  Five pages in and my yellow pen has died a violent death.

 I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet, and falling head first into the office. Double crap – me and my two left feet! 

YOU. 

HAVE. 

GOT. 

TO. 

BE. 

FUCKING. 

KIDDING. 

ME.

In what universe is this ridiculous cutesy sort of shit thought to be amusing?  The cliches are giving me hemorrhoids.  Me and my two left feet?  Not that I'm an expert on Earth terminology and phrasing, but I'm fairly certain people stopped saying shit like that around 1962.  And...I can't believe I'm being forced to say this, but - double crap??  I was already calling my brother a bilgesnipe’s vagina by the time I could crawl, I'm pretty sure the last time I said something as immature and amateurishly silly as double crap I was still in the womb and cursing in Morse Code.  I may actually have even still been a sperm in my father's left testicle.  How old is this writer?

 “Um. Actually–” I mutter.  If this guy is over thirty then I’m a monkey’s uncle.  In a daze, I place my hand in his and we shake.  As our fingers touch, I feel an odd exhilarating shiver run through me.  I withdraw my hand hastily, embarrassed.  Must be static.  I blink rapidly, my eyelids matching my heart rate. 

I'm sorry but I really don't even know where to start.  The Um. Actually- ?  Or the I'm a monkey's uncle?  Maybe it's the staccato pacing?  The elementary school sentence structure?  The fact that all but one sentence of that paragraph has the word I in it, sometimes multiple times?  She placed her hand in his and they shook - sort of like I'm shaking right now.  It's the seizures this damn travesty has provoked, honestly I should sue the author for my prescription costs.  And if that girl's eyelids matched her heart rate then I'm just envisioning one of those blinky-eyed cupie dolls strapped to a paint mixing machine.

 “I own my company.  I don’t have to answer to a board.”  He raises an eyebrow at me.  I flush. 

Yes darling, always do a courtesy flush when the stench is really vomit-inducing.  Like now.  I'm not even going to ask if this conversation is taking place in a bathroom because I can tell you honestly, the bathroom is right where it belongs.

 His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel...or something. 

Something...like, maybe shit, perhaps?

 I shake my head to gather my wits. My heart is pounding a frantic tattoo - 

No darling, trust me, it's not.  A tattoo is something you draw on your body, there's no pounding involved unless you've done the drawing on your vagina.  And if you’re referring to the drum beat, then you should just say so because frankly this is meant to be a sex book and your readers aren’t going to be interested in Googling your sophomoric attempts at using interesting words.  And just as an aside, most humans are going to think of a Scottish marching band when you use that word in that context, and the last thing you want your readers thinking about while you’re sliding into a smut scene is men in plaid skirts blowing bagpipes.

 I am utterly thrown by the sight of him standing before me.  My memories of him did not do him justice.  He’s not merely good-looking – he’s the epitome of male beauty, breathtaking - 

Hold on a second, I wasn't aware I was in this book?  I must have been drunk.  I'm not sure that I would consent to this idiocy even if I was soused off my gourd, so I think I'm going to be filing a second lawsuit for character theft.

 - and he’s here.  Here in Clayton’s Hardware Store.  Go figure. 

Yes, go figure sweetiepie.  Everybody, even handsome people, need replacement U-joints for their toilets.  They come in handy when you're trying to flush books.

 Finally my cognitive functions are restored and reconnected with the rest of my body. 

Honey, cognitive functions aren't a part of your body, they're a part of your brain.  So unless your head fell off while you were walking around in Clayton's Hardware Store, I doubt this happened.  If it did, my condolences to Mr Clayton and the other shoppers, I know how traumatic that can be.

 And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain – 

You mean the whole thing?

 - probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata where my subconscious dwells – comes the thought: He’s here to see you. 

I just had another seizure.  It’s a sex book darling, stop trying to use seventy-five cent Merriam Webster words and settle for something along the lines of My fucking head exploded - trust me, at this point your readers will relate to that far more than to the concept of subconscious thought.  Or any thought at all.  And we all know it’s highly unlikely Miss Double Crap Wanda-driving headless-in-Clayton’s-Hardware store is capable of coming up with a term like medulla oblongata after that terminal velocity elevator ride.

 No way! I dismiss it immediately.  Why would this beautiful, powerful, urbane man want to see me?  The idea is preposterous, and I kick it out of my head.

 And now your head is completely empty, much like the author's, because that poorly constructed series of sentences was all that was rattling around in there. 

For the sake of moving this along, because I have something to say about literally every fucking sentence in this roll of rough-ass toilet paper, I'm going to skip to the first round of sex and see if anything improves.  Because that's what people do when things aren't going well, isn't it?  They have sex and see if it gets better?  And then if it doesn't, you kick them out and finish up with a fresh pack of batteries and a few minutes of Skinamax and when you wake up in the morning it'll be a whole new day, sunshine.  Because honestly, I just got to the part where her cheeks went the color of the Communist Manifesto and if I don't get to some penis and vagina action I'm going to kill myself.  Besides that, all this double crap inner monologue is starting to make my ballsack clench up. 

So alright people, I've got my lube and my right hand ready, let's get this party started shall we?

  "Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?”  Holy shit.  Did I just say that? 

Well it certainly wasn't me.  Having medulla oblongata issues again, are we sweetheart?

 His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly.  “No, Anastasia it doesn’t.  Firstly, I don’t make love.  I fuck... hard." 

Finally, someone steps up.  Is that the sound of zippers headed south I hear?

 "Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for.  You could still run for the hills.  Come, I want to show you my playroom.” 

Nope, my mistake.  Zippers firmly holding north.  How far is this fellow going to count?  Do people actually do that cheesy little “Firstly, secondly” speech tic all the way up to thirdly?  I usually only get to secondly before someone pops me in the mouth.  Somehow I have no trouble envisioning this obviously anal retentive Christian fellow proceeding right along to fourthly, fifthly, sixthly, seventhly...perhaps he has a numbers fetish to go along with that paperwork obsession of his.  If this is foreplay I'm leaving because math was never my strong point and I’ll be damned if I’m going to relive the hell of ninth grade just to get a two page smut scene.  If you want to have sex with me we get to firstly, I point to my zipper, and the game is on.  But he does get points for being forthright enough to come right out up front with the admission that he's such a rough fucker there have to be contracts involved.  Kudos my man.  Too bad he wrecked it by planting that playroom visual immediately after, because now all I can think about is a toybox full of Legos and a plastic xylophone.  Even I can't make anything kinky out of that.

 My mouth drops open.  Fuck hard!  Holy shit, that sounds so... hot.  But why are we looking at a playroom?  I am mystified.  “You want to play on your Xbox?” 

Yes darling, Fuck hard!  It sounds like a Bruce Willis movie, only this time he's not in an office building crawling through the ceiling or on an airplane fighting off terrorists, he's tied to a bed while Bonnie Bedelia drips hot wax on his scrotes.  It's a real shame we lost Alan Rickman, I'd give anything to see Hans Gruber standing at the foot of the bed in a leather corset intoning Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker just one more time.

As for playing on his Xbox, the Sims have a "whoo hoo" function.  That's all I'm going to say about that.

 - it feels like I’ve time-traveled back to the sixteenth century and the Spanish Inquisition.  Holy fuck. 

Ah yes, the good old days of the Inquisition.  I had quite a wonderful time during that era, it was a sado-masochistic wet dream.  And no, I wasn't an Inquisitor...I worked as a volunteer equipment tester for the Vatican.  There wasn't a steel spiked ball cage or 360-degree nipple twister that earned my seal of approval until I screamed for my mommy.  Something tells me this pansy-ass little ninny isn't going to make it past the electroshock vulva clamps before she's crying for every matriarchal figure in her family all the way back to the Charlemagne era.

 “It’s about gaining your trust and your respect, so you’ll let me exert my will over you.  I will gain a great deal of pleasure, joy even, in your submission.  The more you submit, the greater my joy – it’s a very simple equation.”  “Okay, and what do I get out of this?”  He shrugs and looks almost apologetic.  “Me,” he says simply. 

Um...no. Just no.  Unequivocally NO.  That isn't how it works, E.L. James.  Not in the slightest.  In a true Dom/sub relationship the submissive receives every bit as much as the Dominant, and there is no two ways around that.  Anything less is bullshit and whoever you're trying to force-feed this lie to should leave running and punch you in the crotch on the way out.  I sincerely hope anyone reading this nonsense is doing so on a dare and not because they want to learn about D/s dynamics, because you're obviously not going to learn anything from this book except how to be a lip-biting ningnong who doesn't do much more than chat merrily with herself inside her medulla oblongata while mentally spouting double crap! on repeat every thirty-seven seconds.  And any respect I had for this Grey fellow for being up front about his sexual preferences just went out the window, which coincidentally is where the lip-biting ningnong should be headed.  Like he said - you could still run for the hills. 

Skipping ahead...skipping ahead...my god are these idiots ever going to do it?  I'm on page 194 and so far the closest they've come to coitus is when he almost ejaculated in his pants in an apoplectic rage when she told him she was a virgin.

 “Ah,” I groan. 

Ack, I puke.

 “You smell so good,” he murmurs and closes his eyes, a look of pure pleasure on his face, and I practically convulse.  He reaches up and tugs the duvet off the bed, then pushes me gently so I fall on to the mattress. 

I'm practically convulsing too darling, but unfortunately not with pleasure.  I need more anti-seizure meds, I've already gone through the entire bottle.  I'll be starting on the Xanax next and then it’s another call to my HMO.

 I’m panting... wanting. 

I'm vomiting...heaving.

 Not taking his eyes off mine, again he runs his tongue along my instep and then his teeth.  Shit.  I groan... how can I feel this, there? 

Hold up a second - this is a man who is so persnickety he pulls the duvet off the bed before he lets her set her ass on it, but now less than a page later he's just removed her sneaker and is licking the bottom of her sweaty all-day Converse encased foot?  My capacity for suspension of disbelief is not only wavering at this point, it’s pretty much died a slow and painful death.  Which is what I feel like I’m doing.  And if a man is holding eye contact while licking the bottom of your foot, he’s either upside down or your leg is so high up in the air he could be looking up your hooch and seeing himself through your left nostril.

“How do you make yourself come?  I want to see.”  I shake my head.  “I don’t,” I mumble.

I call bullshit.  She’s twenty-one, a virgin, and has never diddled herself?  That’s about as likely as me never having had intercourse with a horse.

“Let go, baby,” he murmurs.  His teeth close around my nipple, and his thumb and finger pull hard, and I fall apart in his hands, my body convulsing and shattering into a thousand pieces.

Huh.  And here all this time I’ve been laboring under the delusion that more was required than just two short paragraphs worth of nipple play.  This girl is a physical wonder, her nipples are clitorises.  Clitori?  Clitterati?  However you say multiple clits.  I know playing with them feels nice and I’ve made more than one maiden squirm with a few well placed sucks and a pinch or two, but this girl was climaxing before he even got her out of her brassiere.  Someone get her a job at the Kinsey Institute.

Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor.

I hope they didn’t land on the duvet, he went to such trouble to keep it from getting mussed.

Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free.  Holy cow...

Rather like a jack-in-the-box, I’m envisioning.  Holy cow indeed.  Twist the handle and Pop Goes The Weasel plays while you wait in panicked anticipation for that horrid little clown to burst out of the hinged metal box and scare the shit out of you.  Well, he did say playroom, didn’t he.  Oh, and boxers and briefs are two entirely different things, my dear.  The further we get into this silly little tale the more convincing my sneaking suspicion that the author has never actually met a man before.

“I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex.

I’m sorry, I know I’m an adult and all but I’m giggling like a sixth grade girl that wandered into the wrong locker room at school.  And for the record, I know exactly what that sounds like because I’ve done it.  But this...this is just...holy fucking hell with twice the fire and ten times the brimstone, that sentence up there just chemically castrated me.  The head of his erection at the entrance of her sex.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume it means he put his cock on her pussy and we’ll call it fair and move along.

“Hard, he whispers, and he slams into me.  “Aargh!” I cry -

To quote Miss Steele, holy fuck!  His dick is so big it’s turned her into a pirate!

He speeds up.  I moan, and he pounds on, picking up speed, merciless, a relentless rhythm, and I keep up, meeting his thrusts.

Is anyone else envisioning these two jogging through the park playing bongos?  Just me?  Okay.  Oh and for future reference, because I assume this world isn’t lucky enough to escape at least three sequels to this travesty, no sentence should have as many commas as it has words unless the person speaking it is being punched in the mouth between each syllable.

Two orgasms...coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow.

Darling if the spin cycle on my washing machine made anything come apart at the seams I’d be at Home Depot demanding they make good on the warranty.  Which, something tells me, you should be doing with this new man of yours.

He increases the rhythm infinitesimally, and his breathing becomes more erratic.  My insides start quickening, and Christian picks up the rhythm.

I looked up infinitesimally, mainly because I’ve never actually seen it in print before and it’s such a strange looking word.  I laughed so hard my Xanax came out my nose when Google offered up this definition:  immeasurably small, exceedingly little, less than an assignable quantity.  To give it a meaning, it must usually be compared to another infinitesimal object in the same context.  Mr Grey, I do believe your tight coochied little virgin just called your dick tiny.

“You. Are. Mine.  Come for me, baby,” he growls.  His words are my undoing, tipping me over the precipice.  My body convulses around him, the precipice.  My body convulses around him, and I come, loudly calling out a garbled version of his name into the mattress.

Well damn, I have to say I’m impressed, both with the uncanny power this fellow’s voice has to make orgasms happen from out of thin air, as well as this girl’s ability to climax on demand after never having done so in her entire life previous to this encounter.  That’s three times now she’s “shattered into a million pieces” all over the fucking bed - thank god he had the presence of mind to toss the duvet on the floor, because those stains would never come out.  He’d probably be getting a visit from the local police as soon as Mrs Fratelli at the dry cleaners got a good look at it.  And I don’t know about anyone else but I really want to hear this “garbled version” of his name that she called out into the mattress.  No, really.  I want to hear it because I’m imagining something like what went down in the Caves of Caerbannog when the Knights were debating the pronunciation of the last word written on the wall.  Does that make Ana’s orgasms the sexual equivalent of the Black Beast of Argh?

I’ll wait for you to hit Google on that one.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  I’ve got all the time in the world.  I still have six hours of studio time booked and this travesty of a novel is now residing in stall #2 in the mens room and I’m sitting here playing with the roll of toilet paper I stole.  It was a worthwhile trade.  The word Charmin printed four million times on these little squares in infinitely more intellectually stimulating than that undigested goat’s dinner we were reading.

Fifty shades of TP’ing E.L. James’s house, anyone?

End Notes:  All passages in italics are the property of E.L. James, and as far as I’m concerned she can keep them.