#she makes me feel like someone has fucked me up irrevocably

[shijas]

.

[mrzombielover]

- slow ride ch1

feat. sinner!adam x fem!hotel worker!reader

series masterlist | next chapter

warnings: NSFW, enemies to fuckbuddies, adam and reader both suck, unhealthy relationships, size kink oooops, light degradation

a/n: oh my god this is so self indulgent. something is fr wrong with me bc all my favorite men are irrevocably fucked up and toxic and emotionally damaged and would treat me like shit teehee

wc: 2.2k

“You took my shame and you took my pride / And now you gonna take me for a slowride”

When even Charlie is trepidatious about checking someone in to the hotel, you know they’ve fucked up bad.

Adam had shown up, tail between his legs, admitting something about how he’s “desperate enough to try anything,” even this “stupid delusional humiliating hotel.”

Charlie, who’s more like an angel than Adam ever was, had ultimately decided that he could stay. After a lengthy and heated discussion, she’d reminded the group that the hotel’s policy states that everyone deserves a chance at redemption, regardless of the sins they’ve committed. Considering he killed your friend, you thought that was bullshit, but it’s Charlie’s hotel at the end of the day, and you’re just along for the ride.

You like Charlie, which is why you put up with having Adam around. She’s a good person- genuinely, deep down. There’s no hidden motives in her actions. You’ve not met many good people in your life, so she’s won your respect, even if you have your doubts about the hotel’s premise.

But for as much as you love her, you briefly questioned her sanity when she asked you to keep a special eye on Adam.

“…and how exactly is that the job of treasury secretary?” You deadpan.

“Wellll…” Charlie trails off, looking away for a moment. “It isn’t really. Buuut what if I was asking as a favor, for your friend?” She clasps her hands together, giving you a smile. You have to avert your eyes from the hopeful look on her face before your resolve cracks.

“No way in hell,” You say quickly.

“Please!”

“No,”

“Pleaseee!”

You bite your lip as you think. He’s obnoxious, yes, but what’s really the worst that could happen? You close your eyes and sigh.

“…you owe me one,”

You regret accepting every day. Nobody got along with Adam. Well, nobody except for Nifty, who seemed thrilled to have a real bad boy staying in the hotel. You, however, got along with him the least of all.

For someone who’d come to the hotel in his time of need- who was in no position to ask for anything other than forgiveness- Adam sure has a smartass mouth. It seems Charlie just wants to give you a brain aneurysm, that’s why she gave you this job. Even if that wasn’t her goal, that’s certainly the stage you’re approaching, because fighting with Adam everyday is 100% going to make you pop a blood vessel.

You can’t help it. Something about him- the way he acts, the forced proximity, just gets under your skin, makes your eye twitch. He should be groveling, begging for forgiveness, putting his heart and soul into bettering himself, yet all he does is bitch and moan. Constantly complaining would be one thing, hell’s full of whiners, but he also feels the need to voice every thought he’s ever had, which often includes insults and snide remarks about those around him. You’ve never been one to take that shit- though, nobody at the hotel really does. It seems to be much worse with you two, specifically, though.

The problem comes in because, as much as you hate to admit it, you might sometimes occasionally have some things in common with him. No, you’re not quite as loud or crude or obnoxious, you don’t generally insult people for fun, but if someone deserves it?

You’ve tore into people for way less than murdering your friend, showing up on your doorstep and being a pain in your ass 24/7, especially if you’re in a particularly shitty mood. Reduced people to tears for mildly inconveniencing you, having an annoying voice, wasting food, etc etc… all of which Adam does.

Generally, you’re apathetic to what goes on around you, especially at the hotel. You’re fed, don’t have to pay rent, and can pretty much do whatever you want, so dealing with the annoying, traumatized, dramatic residents and staff is a fair trade off in your eyes. Adam should, in theory, be no different than the rest of them to you. So you cannot, for the life of you, figure out what about him makes him so much worse than the rest.

You just try not to think about him as much as possible. But when you ignore him, he just seems to get worse.

“Jesus, you don’t think it’s a bit early to start drinking?”

You mentally groan as you hear his voice, avoiding eye contact as you crack open the bottle.

“I mean, Isn’t this shithole supposed to be for rehabilitation?” You can practically hear the smirk in his voice as he opens the fridge.

“Why don’t you focus on your own rehab first, dick? Been weeks now and you’re still an asshole,” You snap, before taking a swig of your beer. He shrugs, grabbing the orange juice from the fridge and placing it on the counter. He walks past where you’re leaning on the counter to get a glass.

“I mean, damn, you didn’t even try today, huh?”He laughs.

“Why are you pickin’ a fight with me right now?” You raise your voice a little, exasperated and too hungover to deal with this.

“oh, uh, i dunno… i’m bored?” He shrugs again, looking over to you with a self satisfied smile. You groan in frustration, then sigh, forcing yourself to keep it together.

“…and you wonder why your wives left you,” you mumble with a roll your eyes, turning to quickly leave the kitchen. you don’t see his face, but judging from the sound of a crash and footsteps quickly following you into the hallway, you hit a nerve. oh, god, here we go…

“you fucking junkie bitch!” he yells after you as you stomp up the stairs.

“you’re proving my point right now!” you say over your shoulder.

“Like you have room to talk? Let’s bring up your love life, huh?!”

“oh my god shut up!” Angel yells through the door as you pass his room. “Every fuckin’ morning with you two!”

Adam ignores him, continuing to rant as he follows closely behind you, every degrading name he can think of spilling from his lips.

“…fucking whore cunt- whose not even fucking listening to me!” he says as you turn into your room. you turn, attempting to slam the door, but he sticks his foot in the gap and grabs the door, shoving it back open.

“what in the fuck is your problem today?!” you yell.

“it’s you, bitch!”

“oh my god- how do you care about anything this much? Seriously, it’s not that deep!”

you jump a little as he suddenly slaps the beer bottle out of your hands, the glass shattering loudly and the leftover beer soaking your socks. your jaw drops, outraged, and you can’t help the reflex to reach up and smack the side of his head.

“ow!” he yelps, and you raise your fists to hit him again, when-

“you- fucking bitch-!” he shouts. you cry out in surprise as he grabs your wrists and yanks you with surprising ease, shoving you roughly into the wall behind you.

theres a struggle, both grunting with the strain of pushing against each other as Adam wrestles to keep the upper hand. You go to knee him, but he moves quicker, slotting one of his legs between your own and pressing his body against yours to pin you completely against the wall.

then, something changes. he pauses, the close proximity seems to have finally registered in his brain. his eyes widen and you pause too, both panting, faces inches apart. his grip loosens, and a flicker of confusion crosses his features.

“wait, what’s-“

“shut up,” you snap suddenly. before you even realize what you’re doing, your hands are on his chest, and you’re shoving him towards your bed.

“take off your shirt,” you command as the back of his knees hit the mattress and he’s falling backwards. he quickly does as you say, looking up at you with wide eyes as you straddle him and rip your own shirt off as well. he mumbles a nice when he sees you’re not wearing a bra. you reach to tug off the sweatpants you had on, and as soon as you can kick them away Adam’s hands are on your waist and flipping you over. He hurriedly rips off the rest of his clothes before he’s back on you, leaning down to eagerly press kisses down your neck. you have to tilt your head to make room for the horns now permanently attached to his head, and you think of the irony of this situation.

the sound of fabric ripping followed immediately by two of his fingers finding your clit makes you gasp. you bite back a whimper as he begins to rub rough and sloppy circles on your clit. the pleasure doesn’t last long before he’s pulling his hand back, only to shove a finger inside your cunt quickly, and you gasp again. being so unprepared, the stretch burns a bit. fuck, has he always had such big hands? he’s gentle at first, as he works the single finger in and out of you, and once the pain subsides, he quickly adds a second one.

“Oh, fuck,” you can’t help the curse that slips past your lips, and before long you’re rocking your hips against his hand. his movements are rushed and sloppy, impatient as he stretches you out. he chuckles dryly, and you shoot him a glare.

once again, before long, he’s pulling away, and grabbing you by the shoulders to make you sit up with him. you whine involuntarily at the loss of contact, and the cocky bastard laughs again.

“So impatient, babe,” He grins.

“Shut up,” You say again, pushing him so that he’s sitting up against the bed frame. You crawl over to him, and straddle his lap. His hands find your ass, groping it roughly while you grab the base of his cock and align the tip with your entrance.

You both gasp in unison when you swiftly lower yourself to take his full length. A strangled moan escapes from your lips and you let your head fall forward to rest on his shoulder. Eyes squeezed shut, you wait so you can adjust to his size. Seriously, how had you never noticed how big he was before now? Prematurely, Adam angles his hips and suddenly thrusts up into you, making you cry out in pain and pleasure.

“Oh you like that, bitch? Huh?” He says teasingly, running his hands up and down your back before moving his hips again.

“You have seriously got to learn to be quiet,” You retort through gritted teeth, reaching up to pull his hair from the roots. He lets out a groan, followed by a more pathetic whine as you begin to move on his length.

It must be all the pent up emotion, because you’re very quickly unable to speak beyond a few curses and wanton moans. Adam however, can’t seem to stop talking. Mumbling about how good you feel- for a whore, how he didn’t think you’d be so tight, how you’re so fucking sexy he wishes he’d done this sooner.

“Ugh, Adam- shut up!” You groan as you move desperately. He whines as you pull his hair again for emphasis, biting his lip as you feel his hips snap up into yours.

“Oh, god-“ You’re squealing, back arching as you can feel your whole body tense. You’re on top, but as you grow more limp, he’s holding you upright as he roughly fucks into you. “I’m close!” You warn, and it comes out a strangled sob.

You’re so, so close. Euphoria clouds your brain, and collapse onto him as he continues to hold you up to thrust into you.

You fall backwards, and Adam follows, caging you underneath him as he chases his own release now.

“oh- fuck- don’t stop!” You’re practically screaming as your orgasm crashes over you, and you wrap your arms around and claw at Adam desperately, fingernails leaving marks on his fleshy back. You only faintly register the breathless laugh he lets out at your state as he now pounds into you.

He slams into you with an intensity that forces the air out of your lungs, and even Adam can’t form thoughts or speak anymore.

“Oh, fu-uuck, fuck, fuck, oh my god,” He can’t believe the noises that are coming from him, but he also can’t find it in himself to care when you feel this good. You’re so sensitive, and still tight from your previous climax, and he can feel your pulse in the walls of your cunt as you clench around him.

Pleasure quickly turns to overstimulation, and you moan his name again, reaching up to pull at his hair, horns, wings, anything, as tears begin to prick at your eyes. Hearing you moan his name, seeing the look on your face, knowing he’s the one doing this to you is what he needed to send him over the edge.

“o-oh my god-“ he groans, hips stuttering as he presses his body as close to yours as possible, spilling his cum deeply inside of you with an actual moan.

He stays still for a moment, both of your breathing labored, sweat making your hair stick to your foreheads and necks, but you stay holding eachother. While both your brains are still fuzzy, thoughts muddled from the aftershocks, he takes a hand up and wipes your hair away from your face, and the tears from your eyes.

Eventually, he sits up and pulls out of you, rolling over to lay next to you on the bed. Neither of you say anything, too fucked out to think of the repercussions from your actions.

[wonamour]

Jungwon’s Diary

pairing .. Yang Jungwon x F!Reader

Genre .. smut, friends to lovers, yandere!jungwon

warnings .. degrading such as calling the reader a “ stupid little girl, stalking, obsession, kinda violent at times, rough sex.. some fluff at the end

wrd count .. 2k

Every hour, every minute, every second, Jungwon was practically glued to his diary. Mindlessly and irrevocably scribbling every inch of his thoughts throughout the day. He always held the diary close to him and was highly possessive over it when anybody would even get remotely close to it. The fact that Jungwon always held the diary close to him isn’t even a good enough description of how much time he spends away from it which is like 1% of the time, he has even brought it with him in the bathroom when he showers.

However,

Today was a different day. Y/N and Jungwon have been friends for many, many years and got an apartment together after high school, becoming roommates. Jungwon had left the house to run some errands but Y/N was stuck alone with no plans for today so she ended up going around the apartment and cleaning. As she was fixing up and cleaning the dining room table, Y/N grabbed Jungwon’s jacket intending to put it back in his room of course but as she lifted the jacket, his diary fell out of a pocket and tumbled to the floor.

For someone to be so possessive over their diary the way that he was, what kind of outrageous and obscene things were written on those pages?

With her very curious wondering mind, Y/N grabbed the book off the floor with eager hands and flipped to a page that had a sorta recent date on the top of the page from two months ago.

“ Living with Y/N was the best idea in all of eternity. It’s like I wake up and I’m living in a dream every fucking day it’s amazing truly. I watch as she eats her breakfast, watching the way her eyes are when she first sits down and looks down at her food with hunger but happiness. The way her eyes flutter close for a second when she’s about to take a bite of her food and god when her lips part and her mouth takes in the mouthful of cereal drives me crazy-”

Y/N could feel her stomach drop the more she read. She flipped through a couple of the pages that were before that and every.single.page was 98% about her, he was practically her stalker, he followed her in secret and watched her run errands because “ I just can't bear to think all the fucking things that could happen to her when she's away from me, nobody should hurt her, nobody should touch her, and I just can't have anybody look at her the way I do.”

She should be terrified, she should’ve packed her shit and ran away. However, she kinda.. very much loved the idea and enjoyed every part of this. The way her scent drives him into a frenzy, the way he watches her sleep and sometimes catches Y/N touching herself “ I couldn’t help it today, I heard her moans when I came back from the market and I just opened her door a tad and just watched her lay back on the bed groping her breast with one hand, the other hand rubbing circles onto her clit as she had her head thrown back on the mattress, I touched myself while watching her fuck it was the best orgasm I’ve had, best day.”

She stood there in a daze with Jungwon’s diary in hand, daydreaming about Jungwon and the things he does for her and could even do to her when suddenly she flinched at the sound of something crashing onto the counter. She looked up as she saw an upset Jungwon who threw all his belongings he had there, fear rushed into her veins when her eyes met his, she was never more scared of anything or anyone in her life than in this moment, his eyebrows furrowed in and his eyes were full of anger and pure darkness.

“ What the fuck are you doing with my journal, Y/N.” He asked with a low tone in his voice that sent shivers down her spine, making her eyes immediately shoot down to look at her feet as she started playing with her hands anxiously.

“ I-I grabbed y-your jacket because I was cleaning a-and your diary fell o-out of i-it-” She sputtered out, Jungwon shook his head and scoffed at her answer. He quickly walked towards her and wrapped his hand around her neck, pushing her up against the all, and tightened his grip just a little to have Y/N grab at his hand and gasp.

“ Wrong fucking answer.” He whispered against her ear followed by a chuckle. He looked into her eyes as they fluttered, her cheeks growing a tinted red and her breathing getting heavier, she wouldn’t lie and say she was freaked out right now because in reality, seeing this side of Jungwon turned her on. She could feel her stomach heating a bit as her pussy started to get wet, staining her panties and as for Jungwon he was feeling the same, it was starting to get difficult trying to contain himself but the pressure in his pants drove his mind in a different direction.

Jungwon observed her every move, scanning her body up and down, when he finally realized she was not at all frightened by him but craving him, a grin slowly appeared on his lips. His other hand slipped down, lifting her skirt and grazing his finger against her clothed wet pussy causing her to let out a choked whimper and flinch at the sudden touch.” I’m fucking angry at you and all your thinking about is how my big dick would feel inside that pretty little pussy of yours, aren't you..? Fucking naughty girl..” He mumbled the last part under his breath but still loud enough to hear.

He released his grip from her neck, grabbing her wrist and dragging her down the hall and into his bedroom. “ J-Jungwon! W-What are you doing-!?” She asked as she stumbled behind Jungwon before he pushed her body onto the bed, climbing on top of her. “ What does it look like I’m doing, naughty girls like you who don’t fucking listen get punished.” He spat out before looking away to the side, his face getting heated up and a smile grew on his lips at the fact he was in this position with her was making him go insane but he also would never want to actually harm her, being a mean dominant was something he could do to a certain extent.

“ that’s.. alright though..right..?” he mumbled wanting to ask for consent before looking back at her, his hand softly grazing her waist. She smiled to herself, watching him for a second knowing and seeing how much he truly cared for her and liked her, she nodded her head and Jungwon smiled. His hands grabbed at her waist like he was hungry animal, his tight grip on her would definitely leave bruises, he leaned in as their lips crashed against one another so needily while their tongues danced in perfect harmony, their bodies moved in sync as they eagerly took off every article of clothing that was on each other's bodies and tossed them onto the ground.

Jungwon’s mind was racing at the speed of light, his lips traveled down from her lips onto the innocent nape of her neck, he took a moment before doing anything and took in her scent making him roll his eyes back and moan lowly to himself as he gripped tightly on her body like she was a golden prize and went down her body slowly taking in more of her scent as she squirmed under his touch, actively blushing, watching him go into a frenzy while getting a catch of her scent all along her body. She whined and tapped Jungwon to motion him to stop , growing more shy as she continued to watch him all over her body. He grabbed her hand roughly and pinned them above her head as he went back up to her neck, marking every centimeter and inch that was available with dark purplish-red hickeys. Y/N tilted her head back making room for the male as he bit all along her neck, making her slip out soft moans like he had written about before and rub her thighs together as the heat between her legs grew, with precum leaking from his tip, his mind and cock desired for more. He kissed down her body and kissed along her breast and frame down to her cunt. He kissed along her inner thighs and up onto her clit, his lips stuck themselves onto her clit as he licked and sucked on it while inserting two fingers causing her to let out a such a lewd moan at the sudden cold contact of his cold fingers on her pussy that quickly drove her mad, she wanted more.

“ J-Just fuck me already I can’t take this.” She breathed out between moans with bucked hips and her hands gripping onto his hair. Jungwon scoffed once again and nodded his head quickly “ Fuck, you don’t gotta tell me twice love” He replied as he sat up, situating himself, grabbing her hips, and aligning his tip at her entrance. His tip stroking her clit over and over again making her more aroused than she was before while her hole clenched around nothing, throwing his head back and moaning at the feeling of her. She looked up at him, biting her lower lip and watching him in admiration before he slid himself inside her finally making her gasp at this new feeling and stretching her out. He groaned, gripping her hips even tighter, throwing his head back feeling how her walls tightened and wrapped around his cock so perfectly, he stood for a second enjoying this feeling of pure ecstasy, feeling how his size made her so full. He let out soft breathy moans as she dug her nails into his biceps, wrapping her legs around his waist before letting out a relieved moan as he deepened himself inside her, stretching her out even more. She could feel how big he was inside her and it felt fucking amazing like no other.

He leaned forward, his body pressed against hers as he kissed her lips softly for a moment before hiding his face into the nape of her neck moaning into her skin. He could already feel his orgasm coming already at this point by the way her sweet, gummy walls kept tightening around his cock but he wanted more than just a quick fuck. He looked up into her face as her eyes shimmered with lust and from here he lost all control he was trying to maintain. His thrust became rough, deep, hard passionate and quite fast. His breathing changes in a matter of seconds as he starts to breathe heavily, only staying on her and keeping himself aware of how her body reacted to him. She threw her head back, her hands immediately grabbing at his hair pulling him close as her moans were spilling out of her mouth uncontrollably, her eyes shut tightly as she felt this big amount of pleasure inside her body the harder and faster he went.

“ J-Jungwon-! T-Too m-much!” She choked out and he shook his head, letting out a slight chuckle as he leaned in while one of his hands grabbed her throat and forced her to look at him. “ I-I say if it’s too much, okay? This is your punishment, stupid little girl..” He responded harshly through moans. He pulled out for a second before slamming himself back inside, her body started to shake as she arched her back and moaned louder. The sound of skin slapping and moans was the only thing you could hear on their apartment floor. His movements never stuttered for a second as he kept ramming himself into her harder and harder, especially when he found her spot he never slowed down in this moment as she practically screamed his name for the neighbors to hear.

She opened her eyes for a second and caught a glimpse of Jungwon with his hair sticking to his forehead and his body glistening from sweat while he grunted, his eyes that were glued to her, were only filled with pure infatuation and lust, drove her over the edge and that became evident to him. Watching her lose herself to him, made his orgasm quickly start approaching as well, his strokes became more sloppy as his moans turned into whines. He watched the way her pussy took in his cock, the way it disappeared deep inside her, seeing as his cock made a protruding bulge under her navel. He held her close and tight in his embrace as his orgasm hit him like a truck, finally emptying his load inside her as he groans loudly, she wrapped her arms around his body tightly and dug her nails into his skin as she came right after him onto his cock, her intense orgasm left her with her body shaking and gripping her arms around him tightly, tears steaming down her face as she buried her head into the nook of his neck with followed streams of cries, moans and cuss words.

He didn't even wait a second either one of them to catch their breath afterwards as his hands reached out, cupping her face and kissed her lips passionately, her eyes widened for a second at the sudden move but she interlocked her fingers into his hair and she connected her lips with his. The warmth traveled between their bodies as they kissed and he pumped himself inside her a few times, getting over their high before finally pulling out. She whimpered at the empty feeling inside her as her hole clenched around nothing. He tries catching his breath for a second before quickly grabbing a towel nearby and cleaning her body from the sweat that accumulated from the both of them and the cum that was pouring out of her cunt, He laid down next to her body, wrapping his arms around her and held her close to his body. He kissed her forehead softly, mumbling sweet nothings with every little kiss along her face, telling her how he loves her and how great she did, before landing another kiss on her lips, she smiled, kissing his lips back and rested her head on his chest.

“ I love you, Y/N.”

“ I love you too..”

[lakesbian]

alright this one is getting its own post instead of a reblog on a post that is Entirely Not About That. presenting the 'what if we put amy and alec in a room together' manifesto because the thing is that it is interesting but not in the way amy/alec shippers think

Amy shook her head, talking over her, “She’s always been emotional, passionate, unrestrained, and she’s channeling all this new emotion into hate, because it’s the closest equivalent.” “New emotion?” Regent asked.  “You mean you mindraped her.” Amy looked like she’d been slapped across the face.  I wasn’t surprised, but hearing it said out loud was unsettling.

“Nice,” Regent said.  “She could be a human-spider hybrid.  Add some insult to injury with the mindrape thing.” I could see Amy tense.

it is relevant to his character that he's the first person to cut through amy's euphemisms (and everyone else's avoidance of saying the unsettling part out loud) and outright say "you mindraped her." he calls the euphemistic language out and then intentionally repeats it a second time for no other reason than to bug her about it. it's vaguely reminiscent of something he says to sophia during his interlude:

“You and I are more alike than you’d suspect, I think,” he said. “We’re both arrogant assholes, yeah?  Difference is, I admit it, I don’t dress it up and tell myself that I’m a bitch and that that’s a good thing.”  He burned Emma’s face out of another photo.

he has a repeated habit of making people uncomfortable by calling something out for exactly what it is, whether it be "yeah sure cape groupies, my dad's girls, people i used my power on towards the end" or "you mean you mindraped her." he's desensitized enough to really all forms of violence to be unbothered by committing or witnessing them, but he seems to harbor a genuine pet peeve for people who obscure or unreasonably justify what they're actually doing. as uncomfortable as he can make taylor, it's often not that he's doing things worse than the other undersiders, but that he's the person most willing to openly admit what he's doing--or to pettily call out what someone else is doing.

i think it more or less boils down to the fact that he's never gotten to be the person on the peripherals of violence making up neat and tidy ways to talk about it: he spent his entire childhood being hurt in every way imaginable & being coerced into doing the same to others. i think it left him with a sort of genuine distaste for being expected to talk in circles around the viscerally awful things he had done to him or did to others, and subsequently, for people who have done similar things but can't fucking fess up to the reality of it. it's like he's been walking around his entire life just absolutely drenched in blood, witnessing so much else get covered in it, and he's starting to get legitimately bothered over people standing around twiddling their thumbs and pretending it's red paint. he knows it's blood. he's been tasting it since he was 6. he would really like if everyone else could also grow up and admit it's fucking blood.

it's always funny to me that amy/alec shipping is, like, a Thing--a niche thing, but a Thing, because i could not think of a rapist more hand-crafted to piss amy dallon off than alec vasil. he cannot go Three seconds in her presence without going "oh you raped her? you mean you raped her? with your mind? like she doesn't just have new feelings you specifically mean you mindraped her?"

she, on some level, views herself as someone who did harm because she's irrevocably, ontologically evil, and is sort of desperately obsessed with minimalizing or half-justifying her actions to herself so that she can avoid recognizing that she feels like she can't be better. she's clinging to the idea that she can be "redeemed" if she does something of equal measure in the opposite direction (e.g 'spending the rest of her life healing people' as she mentions), but because she can't even directly acknowledge how bad her actions actually were without crumbling under the weight of the idea that she's doomed to be that bad, she's fundamentally incapable of looking directly at what she did at this point in the story.

alec, on the other hand, is really fucking upfront and fairly objective about his actions--he never ties them into some Inarguable Truth About His Soul, and he's pretty honest about whether or not he thinks they're justifiable. in 14.1, he has this dialogue with cherie:

“When daddy had you practicing your powers, you ‘hijacked’ a few people at a time, used their bodies to get high with no consequences for you, you threw orgies for yourself…” “Again.  I was a kid.”

but despite the fact that sophia is, on some level, justified in his mind by his "eye for an eye, this is a favor for taylor" rhetoric--he's fine with admitting that he's also just doing it because, yeah, he's an arrogant asshole and he feels like it. some of it was because he was a kid being groomed, and some of it was because He Felt Like It.*

*sure, he only Felt Like It because he has a comically large cocktail of unpacked psychological issues--but he doesn't know that, he just knows he felt like it.

in other words, he doesn't subscribe to the idea that any of his actions are, like, Ontologically Predetermined By His Inner Being or even necessarily all related. he's like the fuckin' "might do it again, prolly not" dude from the sex offender shuffle. okay, sorry for saying that in my seriouspost. but his philosophies would clash hilariously badly with amy--he insists on accepting his own & others actions for exactly what they are, he's generally very invested in not being his father (being asked if he intends to turn out like his dad is one of the only times something briefly upsets him), and he's actually doing pretty okay at that. he's like...shockingly well-adjusted given the circumstances. his entire arc is more or less a slow upward climb.

i think having to be around someone who both believes and would outright admit "yeah i raped people, no i dunno if i feel that bad, no i'm not raking myself over the coals for it, yeah some of it was because i was a kid, yeah some of the other stuff wasn't, no i'm not Predestined To Suck," would like. clash with her beliefs abt 'ontologically evil' being a real thing, abt punishment as justice, etc. in a way that would really bother her. she spends a lot of her time in her head trying to twist things around until they feel salvageable to her, but alec is 0 amount concerned with rationalizing to make him feel alright--he just does things, some bad, most shitty attempts to be better.

it's, funnily enough, far more functional for improving than what amy has going on--he operates on material actions as opposed to her Self-Flagellating Thought Labyrinths, and the fact that he's busier moving on from things he can't materially change than he is kicking himself in the face means he can actually achieve some form of progress towards more functional approaches wrt human interaction. i think if amy had an extended conversation w/ him about the subject, she'd both be disgusted with him for not thinking thoughtcrime is real and deeply resentful that this fellow ontologically evil villain is doing better at moving forwards as a person than her despite not 24/7 flagellating himself + yearning for "redemption" like she is. it'd throw a disturbingly large wrench in her worldview, and she would not be happy about it.

oh, and alec would think she's weird and mopey and dumb and annoying and "why do it if you can't even admit it." and he would probably tell her as much. which is the point where i unlock the door to the room so alec can sprint out to escape amy's attempt to put tastebuds on his asshole.

[nonbinarykai]

righhhhht and she was loyal!!! she loved her dad!! she loved him and he just (would have) let her die!!!!! and later in crystalized (i think the seasons kinda blur together lmao) she talks about wanting a family?? and??? that felt so loaded to me? its not just about wanting the stability (that kai cant give, but this is not about him. i have my own thoughts about the smith siblings and their commitment issues, but thats for later) but family? she just. is a family person. she was INTRODUCED as a family person, and i know ninjago probably sidelining her wasnt some intentional thought out desicion, but i like to headcanon it as her SPECIFICALLY not joining the ninja bc. theyre so obviously a family. and. she just needs to distance herself from that a bit, to find out whi she is outside of a group (*frantically writes a 15k character study following her throughout her journey into self discovery bc FUCK it makes me (someone who grew up in a cult) a bit insane)

and and. the tattoo?? like she was marked along with the rest of his followers, no different than a pawn, a mere minion. does she still have the tattoo?? that permanant physical reminder?? bc chen changed her, irrevocably. even after she turns back from becoming a LITERAL SNAKE AGAINST HER WILL (body horror angst, anyone?) she still has a mark.

i just. i want to give her more love and attention bc god holy shit. AND SHE COULD HAVE REALLY INTERESTING DYNAMICS WITH THE GROUP!!! IF PEOPLE JUST REMEMBERED HER!!!!!

she has to have formed some sort of bond with nya and lloyd after hunted. does she talk to him abt evil dads? i want to see her bond with zane over their love of cooking. does jay ever tell her abt her role in sky bound? they could talk abt their experiences turning into snakes lmao.

and her element is so interesting!!! literally absorbing others powers how cool is that?? what are the specifics? is there a time limit to how long she can use the power once she has it.

anyway this is getting too long but you get it. she needs to come back in dragons rising. she needs to bond with jordana over being ex-cult kids following her redemption, bc that girl is getting redeemed.

(i apologize for any typos i tried to be careful)

Can’t believe you didn’t mention how Cole’s fav restaurant is canonically Chen’s noodles which means he probably has ended up seeing skylor a lot and it’s possible they became friends.

Anyways I agree. I feel like it makes sense that even though skylor was abused she still loved her father. Thats unfortunately why a lot of abused kids stay with there parents to try to make it work. But I also wish skylor had more agency in choosing to go against her father other than “boy told me to”.

Speaking of which I do wish we saw more of skylors social life outside of whatever *he* shows us. It genuinely makes alot of sense for skylor to have some connection to the other ninja in some way. The only indicator of ppl she hangs out with is chamillie and that’s it. I want to see her have a group of friends that are completely detached from the ninja. Like regulars at her restaurant.

[vemaro]

under these circumstances

[PART 2]

Here’s a link to PART 1 if you haven’t read it!

Pairing: Astarion x Tav (female Tav) // also minor Karlach x Dammon

Word count: ~2900

Notes: Sorry this one’s a bit longer. Couldn’t find a good spot to end it so I just left it as is. Man, I am soft for how Astarion approves of you helping children in Act 3. So soft. And in this house we stan Dammon!

Enjoy!

…

Astarion got roped in by the tieflings to come and see their former leader. And by roped in, Karlach literally dragged him up from the Underdark. Against his will. It’s not that he doesn’t want to see Tav. Of course he wants to see her. He wishes she never left his sight. Astarion just has absolutely no desire to see the woman he’s madly in love with living a lavish life with someone else . Sure, he understands it’s his own fault. The vampire made no shortage of mistakes along the way; holding her at dagger point upon introduction, plotting to seduce and manipulate her, telling her he hoped she died screaming because she stopped him from completing the ascension ritual, the list goes on. His biggest mistake, however, was not confessing when he still had a chance. That or screwing up his manipulation plan so spectacularly he ended up developing feelings in the first place.

On second thought, both mistakes are equally stupid on his part.

Tav irrevocably changed Astarion’s life and his worldview. She made him a better person, a better man, an upstanding citizen of society who’s willing to help others without a second thought (sometimes). If not for her, he might’ve ended up dead, still under the control of his now dead master, or, worse yet, he could’ve turned into Cazador. For as long as he’ll live, no one will ever mean more to him than that kind hearted woman. Which is why it hurts to see her here and now. She’s married with a child, albeit an adopted child and the marriage was for purely political reasons.

To add salt to his wound, there’s also the matter of said child, Callum himself. Astarion is not immune to the boy’s charm. He’s actually quite fond of him. Hells, he would kill for Callum. By some cosmic fluke, the boy seems to share the sentiment (just to be clear, the fondness, not the killing). He can’t help wondering if Callum gets this excited seeing Tav’s husband. It would be rather uncouth to ask, right?

Astarion smirks, perfectly masking all of the rampant thoughts clouding his mind. “I was wondering when you’d notice me,” he says. “I was starting to feel neglected.”

Callum charges at Astarion like a horse wearing blinders, who then scoops him up with practiced ease. The vampire gets a small poke from the sword for his troubles. “Ah, do mind the blade of your weapon, Mr. Monster Slayer,” he tuts. “This monster is on your side and won’t require any slaying, thank you very much.”

The little boy gasps. “You’re not a monster, Asty! You’re so nice!” He throws his little arms and hides in the man’s neck, ironically on the side with the bite marks. “I love you!”

Astarion isn’t too proud to admit he’s grown to have a soft spot for children (and cats), but Callum has him wrapped around his little finger. That doesn't make the unprompted proclamation any less nerve racking. Gods below, he is so much like his mother, ready to befriend almost anyone. If they were alone, he would’ve waxed poetic about his odd friendship with Callum, but today there is an audience, a very particular audience. “Thank you. I … I love you too, Callum,” he says back, refusing to make contact with anyone but the boy. For fuck’s sake, he has a reputation.

Karlach takes this prime opportunity to tease the vampire. “Awe, is that a faint blush coloring big bad Astarion’s cheeks?”

“No,” he’s quick to say. Too quick. Even if he really was blushing, he knows the callout would’ve caused more blood to rush his face and ears. But he is not blushing. Curse Karlach for bringing him here. “For your information, I haven’t fed in a while so that’s not possible.”

Tav, amazing and kind and sometimes alarmingly generous Tav, frowns. The crinkle in her brow oozes concern and it makes his undead heart ache. “Oh no, are you okay, Astarion? Later I could let you …” She lets her words trail off, but the implication is obvious. No one’s hidden the fact that he’s a vampire from Callum. They do tend to spare the gorier details for good measure.

He shakes his head. “Thank you, dear, but I simply couldn’t.” She’s only offering because her husband isn’t around. He’s also aware of Astarion’s condition and gets this pinched look on his face whenever Tav invites through the front door. Or perhaps he’s aware Astarion is in love with his wife. Who’s to say?

“Yes, you can, Astarion, because I’m offering.”

“I’m afraid I’ll have to decline.”

“But I insist.” He wants to accept, not only to be close to her again, but he’s genuinely thirsty. Most of the blood that crosses his path these days goes to the many ravenous spawn who followed him and siblings after the fall of Cazador.

Karlach snorts. “It’s either her or me, Fangs.”

Astarion blanches at the tiefling. “Er, no. I’ll have to pass, Karlach. Despite fixing your overheating problem ages ago, your blood is still much too spicy for my taste.” It’s the equivalent of biting directly into an Altheian chili pepper. Walking directly into the sun would burn less than stomaching her blood.

Tav shrugs. She puts on an airs of nonchalance since she thinks she’s won this argument. “That only leaves you one choice then, doesn’t it?”

He has a comeback though. “Ah ah, incorrect, my sweet. I also have the choice of not eating at all.”

Callum jerks back suddenly, a devastated expression on his face. “You have to eat, Asty. You have to. Food is good for you.”

Tav has crossed the room so she’s standing on his opposite side. Fantastic. Now he has both mother and son staring him down. “Exactly, Callum’s right. You need to feed.”

And, of course, Karlach, the loud mouth, has to throw her two gold pieces in. “Yeah, Fangs. We can’t have you starve to death.”

His eyes nearly roll to the back of his head. “That literally can’t happen—” Which all the adults in the room are fully aware of. Fuck you, Cazador. Burn in whatever level of the Hells he got shoved into. “—but alright, fine. Later.”

Relieved, Tav smiles and places a hand on his free shoulder. “Thank you.”

Astarion scoffs. “You’re thanking me? You’re the one offering bl—” A quick glance to the child makes him remember to rethink his words. “Food . You’re offering me food when you absolutely don’t have to. Thank you, Tav, you stubborn, selfless woman.”

Her hand slides from his shoulder to his back, finding the space between his shoulder blades. She rubs soothing circles there. “Of course. You’re one of my best friends. I worry about you.”

The contact sends goosebumps all over his body. Hold it together, Ancunin. “The concern is appreciated, darling, but I can handle myself.”

“I know, Astarion,” she says. “But still. That’s what friends do. We look after one another.”

He both loves and hates the title. It causes his stomach to do a somersault and also drop like a heavy stone.

“You’re my best friend, Asty!”

A better distraction couldn’t have come along. “Am I now? Well, I feel honored.” He tosses a cheeky grin at his competition. “Hear that? I’m his best friend.”

Karlach’s jaw drops. The next few minutes are about to get interesting. “I thought I was your best friend, Callum.”

The little boy taps his chin in deep thought and points between them respectively. “Um, Asty’s my best friend. And Karlach’s my best friend. And Dammon’s my best friend.”

The blacksmith shrugs. “That’s fair. Though I’m just happy to be included.”

Astarion swivels so Callum’s back is to the rest of them. “Yes, of course, we’re all your best friends. How sweet and diplomatic. But I’m your favorite, right?”

Karlach rushes over, and is it suddenly a little warmer than it was a second ago? “I’m his favorite.” She tries to place herself in Callum’s line of sight, but Astarion swivels away again. And again. And again.

At this point he’s spinning in a circle. “Excuse me, you saw how utterly delighted he was when he saw me.”

Never one to back down from a challenge, Karlach starts walking in a circle too, following Astarion and Callum’s rotation. It’s officially a game of keep away with Tav’s son. “What? He didn’t even notice you at first, you said so yourself.”

He waves her off. “It’s hard to miss the large, exuberant, bright red tiefling smack dab in the middle of the kitchen.”

She sticks her tongue out. “Whatever makes you feel better, Fangs.”

Who cares if she could throw him and Callum over her shoulder like it’s nothing; he’s going to throttle her. “If you don’t believe me, ask him.” Astarion abruptly stops, grabs the boy under the arms, and holds him out. “Callum, dear sweet and so very brave, Callum. Tell that wretched Karlach I’m your favorite best friend. Also, you’re very adorable. And a great swordsman.”

Karlach elbows the man none too gently. “No, Callum. Tell yucky, stinky Asty I am your favorite.”

Meanwhile, Tav and Dammon stand back, amused and entertained. “How is my four year old more mature than these two full grown adults?”

“Baffles me as well,” he says. “Still love them though, right?”

Tav has to look away, hoping he doesn’t notice the blood rushing to her face. “Mhmm. Still love them.”

“Callum.”

“Callum.”

“Callum!”

“Tell him, Callum!”

“Stop,” Callum shouts, shocking both of them. He points his sword to the side. “I love you both. But … Mama’s my favorite.”

Dammon barks out a laugh at the plot twist. Tav glides in and takes her son into her arms, even does a little twirl. “Awe. You’re my favorite too, Callum.” She pulls him in for a big kiss on his chubby little cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Mama.” Tav peppers a dozen more kisses all over his face, resulting in a fit of giggles and squeals.

Astarion averts his eyes, trying so hard to ignore the roil of yearning churning in his gut. Is he really jealous of a toddler? Pathetic. Someone clears their throat, making him look back up. Karlach is staring at him, hard, and she flicks her eyebrows. What’s this about? He narrows his eyes trying to discern her intentions, to which she smiles knowingly then looks back at Tav. She makes eye contact again then silently mouths tell her now.

As if it’s as easy as that! As if Astarion could just walk up to Tav and just tell her he loves her with every fiber of his being. He’s fucked up way too many times for that to ever happen. He’s fucked up too many times for her to ever return his love. And even if by some miracle she did love him back, she’s in a publicly favored marriage. (To be honest, he’d be perfectly content as the mistress, but he would never put her in that position.)

Karlach’s support, however well-intentioned, is ultimately pointless. The pale elf and the sunny druid are not meant to be, much to his chagrin. Because he apparently can’t help it, his gaze drifts towards Tav again. Mother and son glow with love, affection, and warmth, something he was forced to leave behind when they’d finally rid themselves of the parasites. It’s too much for his heart to take. Without a word, Astarion turns on his heel and heads for the front door. Best to commiserate in solitude, maybe back in his fortress in the Underdark, but …

“Asty? Where are you going?”

Shit. So much for being a stealthy rogue. Now to have a go at persuasion. “Just stepping out for a moment, little bird.”

Callum pouts in the most irritatingly precious way. “You’re leaving?”

Great, now he feels bad. He really is wrapped around the boy’s finger. “No. I was in need of some fresh air, is all. I’ll be right back.”

The boy wiggles until Tav places him down. Then he runs over and grabs Astarion’s hand. “I’ll go with you. I’ll protect you from the scary monsters.” He punctuates the statement with a slash of his new sword.

Tav can sense something is wrong, though she has no idea exactly what it is. “Um, Callum, perhaps you should wait here with me.”

Right on cue, the dramatic, overconfident facade slips back into place. “But what if there’s a monster, dear? You would leave poor little me defenseless? Now who’s the monster?”

As always, she sees right through it. “Are you sure?”

He keeps at it. “Absolutely, darling. He’ll have me back within the hour.”

“Okay.” Tav has that wrinkle in her brow again and she crosses her arms. He is in for an interrogation later. “Be safe. Both of you.”

“Bye, Mama!”

She waves back. “Bye.”

Astarion catches her eye and gives a playful wink before speaking to Callum. “Let’s go, Mr. Monster Slayer. I think I saw a vendor in need of saving on our way in. He might give you some sweet treats as a reward.”

“Yay!”

The pair leaves as Astarion goes into some tall tale of his adventures since he’d visited last. Tav is left trying to calm her rapidly beating heart. They’re friends. Tav and Astarion are friends, nothing more. He made it abundantly clear in the past that he has no romantic interest in her. And she insisted they be friends. Not to mention she’s married now. To a widely known public figure. It can never happen. Never ever. As much as she wished it could.

And yet the druid can’t rid herself of the image of Callum’s face when he laid eyes on Astarion. He doesn’t even get that excited when Terrick, the man raising him, returns from his business trips. Not that she can blame her son. She definitely prefers the company of the vampire over her husband. She prefers any of her friends’ company over her pretentious husband.

Not that she’s ever voice that out loud.

She roughly has half an hour to get herself under control. When they return, she’ll send Dammon, Karlach, and Callum outside for the ‘sparring session.’ Inside, she’ll allow Astarion to feed then question him about whatever seems to be a bother. She won’t be able to focus properly if she’s too busy staring lovingly into his beautiful ruby red eyes or imagining herself dragging her fingers through his soft hair or—no, stop it. Stop it.

It’s been years. Get over it. Focus.

Tav suddenly claps her hands together, starling her remaining guests. “Okay. While you get settled in a guest room, I’ll put together some snacks. Dinner won’t be ready for another hour or so.”

Karlach opens her mouth to say something, but Dammon grabs her by the hand and starts pulling her out of the room. “Sounds perfect, Tav. Thank you for letting us stay the night.”

She’s too preoccupied with forcing herself to compartmentalize her feelings to realize she missed something. “You’re welcome.”

In their room, Dammon shuts the door and looks at his partner disapprovingly. He’s got his arms crossed and one foot tapping a steady rhythm on the rug. Karlach hates it. “What?” she whisper-yells.

“You know what.”

She begins to pace because she is not a fan of standing still. “They’re my best friends, Dammon! And they’re totally oblivious to each other's feelings.”

“I know, but it’s not your place.”

She smirks, hoping to lighten the mood. “Isn’t it?”

He pinches the ridge of his nose and sighs. “No, love, it’s not.”

She pouts. “Why not?”

He rolls his eyes. “Because they’re both adults. If they wanted to express how they felt for one another, they could do it themselves.”

Karlach throws her arms out, but keeps her voice at a whisper. “But they won’t express how they feel because they both think the other thinks of them as just a friend because of all the shit that happened when we had worms in our heads.” Miscommunication, manipulation, and misinformation. It was truly a mess back then. Still is, apparently.

Dammon sits down on the bed and leans forward with his elbows on his knees. “That may be true, but it’s still not your place to speak on behalf of either of them.” He cocks an eyebrow. “Need I remind you that Tav is currently married.”

It’s her turn to roll her eyes. “She doesn’t love that soggy sponge, Terrick. She only did it so she could help the city. Bloody hells, she held her wedding outside, at night just so Astarion could attend.”

She makes a fair point. “I know, I know.”

The big red tiefling sits down next to him. “I want them to be happy, Dammon. They’re not happy.”

“Under these circumstances, they can’t be together.” Karlach lets out a frustrated growl. “Things can change though. Circumstances can change. There’s hope that one day those two will finally wake up and see what’s right in front of them with no obstacles in the way.”

“You really believe that?”

He straightens up and reaches for her hand again, this time meshing their fingers together. “That’s what I want to believe, love.”

She huffs. “Me too.”

He gives her hand a squeeze. “Promise to leave them be during our stay?”

And there’s that pout again. “Ugh, yes. Promise,” she grumbles.

“Thank you.” Dammon tilts towards her and places a light kiss on her cheek. Their tails intertwine behind them. “Now come on. She may not be happy, but I think having friends around makes things better.”

“I think so too.” They both stand up and head for the kitchen again. Just before opening the door, Karlach blocks it and grins wickedly at her partner. “But I know what would make her even happier .”

“Karlach.”

She relents. “Gods, kidding. Just kidding, Dammon.” Mostly.

…

Thank you so much for reading!

[mama-scarebear]

Now you know the blog. So, less reason for a tag, honestly.

It's honestly kind of embarrassing.

I'm a little girl who has always wanted deep down to be controlled and ruined and cherished. But like in this hypothetical, ruined in a way where someone would never be able to understand me without understanding you or what we did. Like wished and prayed and um, it can get dark, so. More than anything else… I want to be irrevocably changed by you.

There's more but like… this is already long enough as is. Also, as with my deep need to please, I have never actually used a diaper in ABDL even though I have always wanted to but I have been too much of a scaredycat to do and now I have officially ordered one because all I can think about is wanting to humiliate myself for you and please you. But god the idea of using it is fucking terrifying and exciting and freeing. At the very least you can know you inspired another girl to use 'em maybe.

Anyway, I hope my spilling my guts out is humiliation enough and I am sorry it ended up being an essay but for it to be humiliating is for it to be vulnerable is for it to be honest and raw and so, yeah. For this one, you got my stream of consciousness.

Oh yeah and I almost forgot, I made a whole-ass blog to contact you on when I realised I couldn't… not. So that's a start to how pathetic I can get, apparently.

I am genuinely petrified at the response to this and at humiliating myself and doing it so publicly. And also, incredibly wet and I feel soft and warm and malleable.

Now it was this message that gave me a raging hard on at the gym that I had to sit and hide. Naughty little thing.

Between desperate cravings to be irrevocably changed by my hand, to you making a blog just to message me, to finally buying diapers for the very first time because of my influence and tastes. Goodness it's enough to making me downright feral with lust.

I hope to change you sweetheart in a fundamental and foundational way. In the kind of way that every act after the point of meeting me is influenced by said meeting. It's already begun too. You're buying diapers and you're making blogs just to message me. You're already changing and getting worse by the minute. I hope you put those diapers on and feel something inside you shift and break. A new chapter in your little life opening up. The chapter in which you let Mama into your heart as the veritable Goddess she is. Join the cult sweetie and lose yourself to me ⭐️

[bullet-prooflove]

Choices!Series Part 12: Home- Nestor Oceteva x Reader (Final Piece)

Tagging: @lyly00 @annetje @anime-weeb-4-life @danzer8705 @drabbles-mc @alwaysachorusgirl @witches-unruly-heart @mysoulisasunflower @im-just-a-mississippi-girl @the-wandering-lunatic @vannabanana1995 @camelia35 @multifandomloversworld @est1887 @lilvampirina @creativitybeware @genius2050 @gracerosaleigh @mortal--soul @buddinglinguist @spookyboogyuniverse @nessamc

Choices!Series:

Part One: First Date (NSFW) - Nester and you have an unusual first date.

Part Two: Familia - (Feat: Marcus Alvarez) - Marcus discovers your relationship.

Part Three: Fair Trade (Feat: Miguel Galindo) - Miguel puts you in a tough position.

Part Four: Slaughterhouse Rules - Miguel feeds you to the wolves.

Part Five: Stay With Me - Nestor deals with the aftermath.

Part 6: Run - Nestor can’t give you what you need.

Part Seven: Partners in Crime (Feat: Coco Cruz & Marcus Alvarez) - Marcus asks Coco to reach out.

Part Eight: What Happens In Reno - What you got up to in Reno.

Part Nine: Don’t Give Up - Nestor refuses to give up on you.

Part Ten: Bleeding Out - Coco finds you bleeding out.

Part Eleven: One Day At A Time - Nestor and you lay your cards out on the table.

You won’t work for Miguel after what happened with Christopher Howard, and it drives him fucking crazy. Both Marcus and Nestor get to hear about it on a regular basis. It’s been three months you returned and you’re still recovering from your trip to Reno.

“Why won’t she pick up the fucking phone?” He snarls at Marcus.

“You burned that bridge mijo.” Marcus sighs with his hands clasped in front of him.

You’ve never told Marcus what forced you into making the choice to become bait in the exchange, but he suspects. You are unrelenting when it comes to your decisions but there’s one thing that can cause you to bend and he hates that him and his family are it. He knows that Miguel used them as a tool to leverage you, that he probably threatened Izzy and Tessa, that you believed him enough to put yourself in a position that has irrevocably damaged you. Nestor’s told him as much.

They can both feel the wind shifting. Miguel has always been ruthless, but he’s always valued loyalty. He’d been unhinged when he’d killed Paco, and it only seems to be getting worse. Marcus thinks that Dita’s death is causing Miguel to spiral, that Potter’s involvement in the cartel is amplifying his paranoia. He’s glad you cut ties.

“There are others…” Marcus begins, although he knows its pointless. Miguel isn’t used to not getting what he wants, he doesn’t like other people playing with his things.

“Not with her skillset.” Miguel interrupts with the slash of his hand. “I need her to get out there and start doing the work she’s supposed to.”

What Miguel means is, he needs you to bolster his reputation. He needs you to get out there and desiccate his enemies, to show everyone that’s ever doubted him what it means to turns on the cartel. He needs you to put the fear of God in those people, to show them that he’s still as ferocious now as he has ever been. There’s a reputation that comes with having someone as brutal as El Cuchillo on his pay roll and without you he feels his grip starting to slip.

“I can’t help you.” Marcus tells him openly.

“Can’t or won’t?”

There’s a fire in those dark eyes of his, a rage that blazes. A muscle in his cheek twitches as he clenches his jaw and meets Marcus’s gaze. That question, it’s a loaded gun, a wrong answer leaves him dead in a ditch and if Miguel sniffs out a lie… The consequences don’t bear thinking about.

“Can’t.” Marcus informs him, straightening his spine and pulling himself up to his full height. “She’s not taking my calls either.”

It isn’t a lie because the truth is he doesn’t call you, he actually sees you. You and Nestor come over once a week for dinner, have been since the swelling died down on your face. Izzy likes to make sure you’re eating right, that you’re recovery is going as smoothly as possible, while Nestor plays Hungry Hippos and Pop Up Pirate on the floor with the kids.

“So you have no idea where she is, or what she’s doing?”

Marcus shakes his head. He doesn’t have a clue what you get up to in the time he doesn’t see you, Nestor would have more of an idea, but he knows the other man will never offer up that information.

“It looks like we’re both in the doghouse.” Miguel says, dropping down onto the couch and rubbing his hands together, his dark brows furrowed, and Marcus knows he is trying to contemplate his next steps.

Marcus says nothing, he doesn’t want Miguel to challenge that assumption, so he shrugs. Let him think whatever he wants, as long as you are safe and happy, Marcus doesn’t care. His eyes meet Nestor’s over Miguel’s head and he can tell that the other man is thinking the exact same thing. They need to keep Miguel Galindo as far away from you as humanly possible.

********************************

As long as Nestor had known you, you had always come with a go bag. He thought it was specifically for jobs, he hadn’t realised it was the only thing you had to your name.

Over the past three months while you’ve been living with him, it’s sat at the bottom of the closet, where every day you pull out the things you need before putting them back into it. He isn’t sure if you are actively ignoring the closet space he’s made for you, or the couple of drawers he’s emptied. There’s a lot going on in that head of yours and you don’t need the extra pressure, so he doesn’t mention it. He isn’t trying to domesticate you, he senses you need the time to adjust. You haven’t had a home of your own for a very long time and if this works for you then it works for him too.

The only evidence that he shares the space with another person is a second toothbrush in the cup in the bathroom and the black cotton panties that end up in the laundry. He sighs. It takes time he knows.

It’s been four months when he realises you’ve actually hung up some of your clothing. It’s unexpected, he doesn’t know what prompted the transition, but he likes the look of your clothes besides his, his fingertips trace over the fabric, and he smiles. Maybe you’re starting to think of this place as your home after all. The next day he realises you’ve filled the drawers with your underwear and some of his socks that you prefer to wear. He’s happy to give them up to you.

It’s a couple of weeks later things start appearing in the apartment. It’s little changes, a new mug, that’s white, sunshine yellow and vibrant orange. As long as he’s known you, you favour bright colours and blocky patterns. It sticks out like a sore thumb amongst his practical grey ones, but he doesn’t care. For Nestor it’s a sign, one that you’re here to stay.

When the dried wildflowers appear in a vase, he’s never owned on the coffee table, he compliments them. You’ve chosen autumn colours, with tiny sprigs of lavender threaded throughout. It gives the living room a soothing scent, makes the place seem warmer somehow. You seem anxious when he spots them, it’s the biggest change you’ve made so far. He runs his fingers over the delicate petals, the edges of his mouth tipping up into a smile.

“They’re pretty.” He tells you. “It makes this place feel more like a home.”

He feels like he’s said the right thing because your entire face lights up, it feels like he’s seeing the sun for the first time in eons. Nestor doesn’t think he could love you any more than in this moment.

It isn’t long after that he finds the go bag completely empty, folded up neatly in the top of the closet, ready for the next job.

Love Nestor? Get added to his tag list!

Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[twig-gy]

for the soul being trans in cacophony stuff, consider: he has a dream abt whole being trans (bc his brain is. throwing all the shit shes thinking about together) and is like {ah i see. this would be good for whole. this is what i am meant to be} and i mean maybe that'll just make being trans into another Thing for her but. idk i'm just throwing ideas at the wall for how she could do this and not feel blasphemous

AH. I SEE. REAL.

things:

this inexorably ties her being trans and his whole Whole thing. so if she ever wanted to heal from Whole. could he do it without detransitioning? is it that being trans is so clouded with being Whole it begins to make her sick, when he tries to heal? is it stained forever? could she learn to deal with it and work around it and feel the euphoria as something other than Whole's divinity/sickness?

this just makes me imagine him forcefemming heart and mind but not in a lighthearted and or silly way just legitimately? all the force of her being transphobic but in the other direction? like if he was threatening them with the trident to not be blasphemes (trans) now it's the exact same thing except she's okay with them being trans just. they have to do it in the way he wants. which like. the thing that fucks me up about soul talking about heart and mind's transition pre tlsa is no matter if she endorses it or not he is staining it with whole. making an act of self determination irrevocably ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE. (like the thing above.) and even if he wasn't doing it transphobically that's still WHAT SHE'S DOING. So

i do think soul would do this though. he would

[aurumacadicus]

For 5 hcs: Steve/Natasha, some sort of fantasy AU with dragons?

Great news! I can make even the most capable of characters stupid! I've been really feeling The Enchanted Forest Chronicles lately. We're leaning in to unhinged Steve falling in love with dangerous people.

A dragon saves her. Natasha just doesn't understand it until later, after she's stopped hissing and spitting like a cornered cat. Her parents had been about to marry her off to a prince. Someone with ties to the wizards that were a plague on the entire valley. She would have been a captive in her own home. Killed, maybe, if she tried to stop them. "Well I don't fucking wanna be here," Natasha exclaims angrily. "I may be a princess but I'm not going to be your captive either!" "Humans are so annoying," the dragon says, turning to stomp away. "Fine, go then, I don't care. Die." "Well now I'm not going anywhere," Natasha decides, stomping after it, and they hate each other a little, probably. Love each other, too, though, if they allow themselves to acknowledge their feelings, two lonely souls finding comfort in piles of books and baskets of apples. The dragon has been alone for a long time. Natasha's been alone for her entire life, it feels like. The dragon feels like a sibling, though who's older one seems to depend on who's winning at bickering. Natasha makes pies. The dragon bakes them between its teeth. They taste sweeter, she thinks, because she got to help make them. She hadn't gotten to, before.

Steve is the king of the enchanted forest. He normally minds his own business, because the forest is enough for him, but there are these weird wizards that have evil octopuses embroidered on their clothes? Apparently they're a huge problem. For other people, anyway. The magic of the forest is old. It takes care of itself, mostly. Then he hears that another princess was kidnapped by a dragon, and he sighs, and he puts on his magic sword, dons his magic shield, and goes to the mountains that the dragons call their homes. "You have to stop kidnapping princesses," Steve says tiredly as soon as he has an audience. "I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING," the dragon bellows, then turns and flees back into its cave. "Yeah, he doesn't have to do anything," the princess, probably, adds, and then throws a rock at him. Steve yelps and puts his shield up to block it. When he drops the shield down to see what's going on, the princess is hurtling at him at high speed, foot extended to land on his face. He squawks. Squawks louder when a scaly tail whips out to catch the princess around the waist and drag her back into the cave with it just before she can make contact. Steve thinks it's probably best the dragon has kidnapped the princess, if how combative she is is any indication. He is also wholly and irrevocably in love with her, and if her flying kick had landed, he would have proposed immediately upon regaining consciousness.

Steve is a menace, the dragon says. Natasha thinks the dragon is just sulking because apparently the king has a handsome friend and that handsome friend has not been by to visit in a while. She does not say so, because it feels like kicking it while it's down. "I'm not sorry you kidnapped me," she tells the dragon instead. She's felt that way, but she's never said it before. The dragon blinks slowly, frowning, before it says, "You were worth whatever retribution the wizards wanted to bring upon me." "Huh?" Natasha says, and then learns what it means another week later, when purple smoke starts filling the cave and the dragon lets out something she can only describe as a scream before falling into wheezing unconsciousness. Natasha wasn't aware of just how much violence she was capable of until she broke through the smoke, found a couple wizards burning dragons bane, and after the red haze faded from her vision, the wizards were dead and she was holding one of their swords. Then she remembers the dragons bane, and she stomps the fire out frantically, shouting for one of the other dragons for help. Steve arrives instead, takes one look at the smoke still filling the tunnel to the dragon's cave, and lifts his sword, sending a wave of billowing wind into it which makes the smoke dissipate instantly. Natasha gapes at him, stunned. He gapes back at her when he realizes she's covered in blood. Then they both seem to remember the dragon at once and rush inside to find it, wheezing, tears pouring out of its swollen eyes, but alive. "I'm going to declare war on the wizards," Natasha says solemnly. "Okay," Steve agrees, smitten.

Natasha is powerful and terrifying. Steve didn't know it was possible to fall more in love with her, except that was before she used her thighs to snap a wizard's neck right in front of him. He almost dropped his shield on his foot. "What do they even want?" Steve grouses, kicking the boot of a fallen wizard. He thinks they're making headway. The spells that have been aimed at them are declining in number and quality. A spell that might have killed him a few months ago has just turned his gloves purple, and they smell kinda like grapes. "What do they have to gain?" "Don't know. Don't care," Natasha huffs, pulling some weapons off a body. She prefers hand-to-hand combat to magic. Her boots also look purple, but Steve doesn't mention it. "How many of these guys do you think are left?" Steve looks at his gloves. Considers biting into one. "I don't know. They're surely scraping the bottom of the barrel at this point. Do you think they turned my gloves into grapes?" "If they're as squishy as my boots, yes," Natasha replies. Steve hates that answer, but it's also what he asked for, technically. "How long are you willing to fight?" Natasha actually takes a moment to think about it. "The dragons bane incident has instilled a blood lust in me, so until I die, probably." "So... like, are you putting off marriage until your desire for revenge is fulfilled?" Steve asks innocently. "Really?" Natasha asks flatly, turning to him. "You're probing about marriage while I'm covered in blood? My boots are grapes." "Especially because of that," Steve says, deciding to go for honesty. He loves her, even when she doesn't look perfect. Natasha stares at him for a long moment, then finally answers, "It would piss off my kingdom probably so let's do it." "Yes!" Steve shouts, pumping his fist, and his glove squelches in his fingers.

They get married. It's the happiest day of Steve's life. Natasha is beautiful and terrifying, lace dress decorated with shiny red scales, tiara adorned with twisting, thorny horns. Steve knows there is a dagger in her garter in case they're attacked by Hydra and he nearly swoons each time he remembers it. The dragon gives Natasha away and dabs at its eyes with a teeny tiny hanky. Bucky ribs Steve about his taste in women ("Scary and efficient really does it for you, huh?") and then gets choked up during his best man speech. Natasha is smug because the dragon has commissioned a portrait done to be sent to her kingdom. Natasha tosses her bouquet directly to the dragon, and the dragon swats it back into the crowd with its tail. "Why did you do that?" she complains later, after the cake is cut and the main dances are done, the forest dwellers and the other dragons and their 'captive' royalty filling the field to dance as well. "I'm... fine being alone," the dragon says, as if she had not found it weeping and eating pie after pie after she'd announced her engagement. "I'm glad you found someone who likes you. Steve is... annoying," it adds in the kindest tone possible. "But only because he's right a lot. Not all of the time! Just a lot." "You think you're not likeable?" Natasha asks, frowning. The dragon scoffs to try and act like its not embarrassed. "Well, I'm three hundred and still alone, so. Natasha, it's your wedding day. Don't worry about me. Shoo. Go dance." Natasha does, but reluctantly. "Our next point of order is getting my dragon married, too." "Okay," Steve agrees. "Why?" "He needs someone to eat pie with," Natasha says with a firm nod. "I'll have to teach whoever it is how to make them." "Okay," Steve agrees, expression softening. "Of course."

[strawberryloveyyy]

You’d have to stop the world just to stop the feeling. That specific line drives me nuts in the best way ever, really. I find myself relating to it more than everything rn.

I like girls. I cannot help it. And it’s not something I don’t think anyone can change. No me, my mom, or anyone at all. No matter how hard you fight it or how much you try to deny it, it will always deep through all that denial, and rejection.

Even as a kid I wasn’t really aware I could like girls as one. The concept wasn’t something that crossed my mind at all actually. I always had these favourite characters as a kid that were always these female characters that I admired and found really pretty. And I would obsess over them a lot. And when I say obsess over them I mean, OBSESS over them. It was something I really enjoyed doing now that I think of it 😭

Of course as I said I wasn’t really aware of that yet. And as a kid I always dreamt of loving, and being loved by someone. To think of it, I never dreamt of loving a man specifically. I was detrimentally captivated at the thought of there being someone out there for you. And of course society has conformed us to think and do things with a shallow perspective, so I was under the impression that whom I’d end up with would be a man. Yet it always felt uncomfortable. It stirred pure discomfort whenever someone would bring up having a boyfriend in the future, it was so torturous and aggravating. I’m not quite sure why I hadn’t realized it sooner enough that I was a lesbian 😭

Right now the one thing that’s been bothering me is that my mom is pushing ideas that this guy friend I have could be a possible candidate or fucking whatever. She knows I’m a lesbian. I’ve been out for months. MONTHS. And I am irrevocably pissed. I am also now uncomfortable whenever I see him, just the thought of him liking me makes me want to kill myself. This has been a constant fear for months to be honest, I’ve observed that he tends to be someone who’s clingy and overly caring to people he likes. Which I’ve realized when he started to like one of my best friends which gave me the most relief. Then he got rejected by her … but now he’s starting to talk to me more often than he did and it’s making uncomfortable. I don’t blame him at all. And I really do think it’s just me and my own personal problems with myself. But I think I might start setting a boundary. Also what’s worse is we’re singing a duet at the end of the month which is pretty romantic song. It’s I see the light from tangled. And it’s hard to sing when you really can’t see yourself being that that person romantically ever. So goodluck to me.

But overall I’m so very pissed at my mother for denying my identity. I’m so angry I can’t even articulate my feelings properly. For MONTHS she’s known I liked girls, she’s done nothing but constantly belittle and deny it. She says and I kid you not quote “what purpose would you serve as a woman if you don’t have children”

EXCUSE ME?? EXCUSE ME. What world do you live in to make you say such a thing? There’s so much more to women than a mother. Not everyone is built for the kind of life society set as a standard.

[rockwgooglyeyes]

So, since it's possibly canon that Nyx and Asa are related- how would he (and possibly others?) react to the fact that Sebastian is related to Flor(ie, being her son) <- just thinking of this. I think they might bond (along with Cas) but who knows

It is canon that Asahi (@apriciticreveries) is Nyx's daughter!

Nyx's feelings around family and children are complicated in and of themself because he's immensely protective over his children (despite the fact that he can do little to actually protect them) and he loves them dearly even though he only knows them for the first three-four years of their lives. He loves his children. He names them after the little beauties in life, the movements of the heavens, the steadiness of the stars. He wishes that they hadn't been born because they were brought into a world containing such cruelty and betrayal but still, he loves them.

That's the crux of the complexity when it comes to his feelings on even Flor and Cas's relationships with their children.

He understands Cas' (@lookatmysillies) aversion to raising his offspring and the reasoning and trauma behind that. After all, none of them had any choice in whether or not they would have children, Nyx knows why Cas would want to avoid thinking about it and looking at his kids because those kids are representative of an irreversible and irrevocable trauma. Even for Nyx, who actively involves himself in his children's lives, it's still a trauma, which he takes out on Oryon and whoever was tasked with fucking him that time (unless the studs want to be around the kids, Nyx is like "fuck off and get away from me" lmao).

Flor, well, Nyx has a little bit more trouble understanding Flor. This is simply because he can get why someone would remove themself from the life of their child, but forgetting about that child entirely? He doesn't really fathom how that's possible. (With his knowledge pool, I doubt he understands PTSD and the selective amnesia that can be involved in trauma disorders like that which is ironic considering he has one.) Nyx definitely tries to connect with Flor over the fact that they were both the carriers of their respective children though, with the way that it changed their bodies, the specific trauma that comes with bearing a child, that sort of thing. (I say "try" just because I think he reaches out a hand but it's fully up to Flor to take that hand and I don't know if she would)

Dian wouldn't really be able to handle Flor being a mom super well despite the fact that they're friends just because the whole breeding process is something he doesn't touch with a ten foot pole. He knows he's privileged for being able to avoid it but it's an incredibly bad time for him to think about/interact with so he does not go near it!

Yumi definitely thinks it's interesting that Sebastian and Flor are related because she can see the family resemblance? But at the same time, they're so different. She honestly thinks it would make more sense if Nyx and Seb were related because of their attitudes but when it comes down to it, she's kind of ambivalent to that whole can of beans.

I have another season 40 OC in the works but I don't think he would have much of an opinion on this either, except for maybe the fact that it's ironic that Sebastian has a mom and yet he experienced all of this family based trauma. Not ironic in a funny way, just peculiar.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

i am willing to sit through whatever criticism or opinions you have on shining, its adaptation or King in general, please, Muffin!

... I earned this, didn't I?

That's a lot of topics so I think I'll just talk about The Shining.

Personally, I like Kubrick's film adaptation better.

Some Background

King infamously initially despised Stanley Kubrick's film adaptation of The Shining. He really didn't pay too much attention to film adaptations of his work before that point (even the really shitty ones) but hated The Shining. (To this day, while he's calmed down, he still doesn't really like it all that much.)

This was, in part, because it's an extremely loose adaptation. It takes the setting, the premise, characters with the same name but the characters only share the same name.

In King's version, Jack is a good man, albeit with a predilection towards alcoholism, who is driven irrevocably mad by the hotel and has this tragic descent into becoming the hotel's pawn. Wendy has a much stronger personality, is less dependent on Jack who never saw Jack's madness coming (because it wasn't). Then we have the ending changing where Hallorann, Danny, and Wendy all escape and survive and the boiler explodes because Jack has been too busy going insane to remember his basic duties.

In Kubrick's version, Jack is a man very fragilely gripping sanity when he enters the hotel, who is enabled and driven on by the hotel and descends back into alcoholism and domestic abuse. Wendy is a mild-mannered woman who at first starts as an apologist for her husband, and then has to somehow find the will to fight back against him when he loses his mind. Then, of course, we have the ending where Hallorann dies and Jack freezes to death in the outdoor hedge maze.

Add into this that Jack is an SI for King himself (who struggled with alcoholism that has informed a lot of his books), and Jack starting out as this thinly veiled horrendous madman versus being an every man who is driven beyond the bend by the hotel, and you basically get something that isn't King's novel.

It's an adaptation that didn't actually care about adapting the core values of The Shining. Just the setting and the premise.

And I'm alright with that.

Why Kubrick Over King?

The Shining is one of the most visually stunning films to ever be made. It is infamous for a reason and has lasted so many decades in popular imagination for that same reason. Even though it was despised at the time it made an impression.

Everyone remembers the tricycle, the blood elevator, the lady in the bath, the hedge maze, the typewriter, "Here's Johnny", the bathroom, the barman, and pretty much every damn scene in this movie.

Beyond that though, I enjoy the ending more as we don't get what, to me, felt like a bit of deus ex machina as the boiler explodes right at that moment. I enjoy that Wendy is someone you can easily picture as being trapped in this abusive relationship, why she's stayed in it for so long, and truly feeling her terror when it goes over the edge. I enjoy that we don't get as much of the investigation by Jack into the hotel as, frankly for me, that just ate up time and wasn't that interesting.

I enjoy that we don't see much of Danny's imaginary friend "Tony" or "Redrum" for that matter. We see enough to get the idea, but not enough to make it repetitive (as it gets a uh little repetitive in the book).

I also just really like Nichelson as an actor, especially when he's allowed to go full scary or crazy. The man does an excellent job of being fucking terrifying.

This isn't to say the novel is bad, and I am colored by having seen the film first, but if you're making me choose a more memorable iconic version I'd pick the film.

Why Muffin Mentioned It Last Time

The reason I nearly ranted here, was that I was about to launch into a whole rant that what people remember most about The Shining is not the novel but the film. They remember the scenes from the film, and part of this isn't the writing, it's the cinematography and the directing by Kubrick.

So, the idea of "what scenes would be most remembered in the Twilight horror novel" translated in my brain to "You mean the film adaptation, who's directing? Are they actually adapting the novel or doing whatever the fuck they want?" And then I realized I wasn't actually answering anon's question and no one wanted to hear me gushing over The Shining.

[lawhurt]

alright welcome to jamie & beth class kiddos.

do i think jamie was justified in doing what he did to beth. no. do i think it was good, no. do i think there's any 'excuse' for doing what he did? no. do i think beth should forgive him? no. do i think beth should love him, or even be nice to him, in a general sense? no. i think she has a right to hate jamie and there's lots of things jamie could have done to try and make things right -- but he never did. and that's entirely, 100% on him. he did something irrevocable to his sister and that is 100% not okay.

i love beth as a character. i love strong females as one myself, and i love a women like her. i always have. that's why i encouraged my fiance to write her, and i do see so much of her in beth. i adore beth's dynamics with the characters on the show, and while i can't pretend i understand the fact that she's willing to lose the ranch, just to do whatever her father says at any given moment, i really couldn't care less if she's a nice person or not. i couldn't give a fuck, i think she's kickass and she's one of my favorite parts of the show / part of why i got invested. i remember her first scene and i loved her, no matter how much how she treats jamie can make me upset. but i ultimately have no way of knowing how she feels.

but i don't wanna hear that she's exempt from being a horrid, shrewd cunt because jamie did that, and her mother died. if i did half the things to my abuser that she did i would be in jail and the only reason she isn't is because of her name, and because she calls jamie because she knows he has to help her. do you know why? because even if someone hurts you, you cannot fucking spend the next three decades physically and mentally and verbally abusing someone. perhaps if he was the one performing the procedure and you killed him in self defense. but there's no self defense claim unless he presented a threat. and because jamie won't fucking call anyone, he won't defend himself.

not only does she beat him, break him down mentally, verbally put him down and emasculates him in front of people who need to respect him, and she told him to kill himself. NOT ONLY THAT, BUT SHE IS THREATENING TO HARM OR KILL HIS CHILD. AN INNOCENT TODDLER.. SHE MADE HIM KILL HIS OWN FATHER. THREATENED to take away any happiness he may have in his life, when she is allowed to have a husband and an adoptive son? their father? that kind of behavior on here would not garner the kind of fandom obsession that she does, LET ME TELL YOU. if i'm expected (and do openly) accept and not grapple with jamie's flaws, people must do the same for beth. i don't fucking care, i don't care.

you cannot, and will not convince me that a lifetime of abuse from 18 to forty FUCKING FIVE is justified by what he did. that's not how anything works.

i'm not mad about the plot-line or how the show treats jamie, bc i find wes gives him such an emotion. but this fandom likes to pretend that beth is so girlboss for doing what she does to jamie when it's just kind of pathetic to see her just bark at jamie now because "she knows everything and he knows nothing" (like how filing power of attorney works a-fucking-pparently) and he can't convince her of shit even tho she knows he's right. but he's the selfish one for not telling their dad exactly what he wants to hear at any given moment.

also what she did to rip is just in a whole nother league of fucked up and she doesn't deserve his forgiveness lmfao.

EDIT: she also blackmailed him lolol

[pulchrasilva]

1, 2, 5, 6, and 50! Feel free to answer any or all of them!

1. What fic of yours would you recommend to someone who had never read any of your work? (In other words, what do you think is the best introduction to your fics?)

Probably i know a place where the pain doesn't reach. I think it's the fic that best captured the exact Essence™️ of what I was going for and a lot of my best fics feature a similar kind of soft reconciliation hurt/comfort i think

2. Go to your AO3 “Works” page, to the sidebar with all the filters, and click the drop-down arrow for “Additional Tags.” What are your top 3-5 most used tags? Do you think they accurately represent your writing habits?

In order: Angst, Fluff, Polyamory, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Canon-Compliant

Yep that's extremely accurate. I feel a little called out actually lol. Just realising that all the fics I've written featuring a romantic relationship have been polyships wow

5. What do you wish someone would ask you about [insert fic]? Answer it now!

I think about this is where i leave you, I'd like someone to ask what actually happened to Romulus after his split himself. It's something that Janus wonders about in the first chapter. I'd like to think that his consciousness still exists somewhere in Thomas's mind, he just doesn't have the role of creativity anymore. He's like a kind of ghost, he has no body, floating around and watching over Janus and the twins. Grieving when they fight, grieving when Janus grieves him. He'd be really happy that Janus managed to make up with the twins I think.

6. What’s one fact about the universe of [insert fic] that you didn’t get a chance to mention in the fic itself?

Something Irrevocable never actually says what happened to Rowan (an oc)'s baby cousin. I mentioned that he made a lopsided little teddy bear for his cousin and then after the apocalypse happened we see a purple teddy bear on the side of the road and it's missing an arm. Tbh i don't really have an answer to this but I made myself so sad with that detail so I wanted to do something with it. He's definitely not dead, that would make me too sad. I have an idea for a hypothetical spin-off about Carlton Drake (who was the main villain in the movie but basically irrelevant and kinda pathetic in the fic) which was gonna use his affection for kids as a somewhat-redeeming quality, and I was gonna put Rowan's cousin in there.

50. Answer any question of your choice, or talk about anything you want to talk about!

Gonna choose 49: What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

You mayy or may not have heard a little about this fic, but I'm currently working on a fic for roleslaying week with the working title "flaredrum mft ftm solidarity fic". It's from Djembe's pov but it's about Youngblood's time at the Bard College pre-canon, her relationship with Noise and her gender. I wouldn't say it explores Djembe, but it does also explore who I like to imagine Djembe is (tbf we don't know much about him yet!) Oh and it's also about how the Bard College is a fucked up toxic environment in sooo many ways.

Here's an extract from the most recent scene I wrote:

You know," Viola said after a few minutes of silence, pointing a chip in his direction. "Sharpe's not wrong." "About what?" "Connections are just another thing to manipulate. People don't really have friends here." Djembe laughed. "So what are you and I then? "Are you kidding?" Viola said, not a trace of a smile on her face. "You're top of the class, all the teachers love you." His smile dropped. "So?" She shrugged. "I need to keep my grades up if I want to become a captain." Djembe felt something shatter.

Made myself real sad with this whole scene tbh

[truckfreaks]

i need to document this somewhere, anywhere, and then i am going back to hiatusland. but tonight, during my last session before i get switched off to someone else, my individual trauma therapist i think finally had the gumption to say some shit she's been holding back.

and she said that she's actually pissed for me, on my behalf. she said the way i was spoken to was both unprofessional and vindictive. she said that she *is* legitimately concerned that i am being ganged up on and scapegoated (whether it's intentional or unintentional) in those sessions. she said that it is not my fault or my responsibility that someone who claims to be trying to work things out with me simultaneously projects his own shame onto me, making him lash out at me as if it were my fault that he feels that way.

i know in my heart and i've known for months that this is probably not a direction in life that is compatible with me living a fulfilling life as myself while also being the person he wants me to be. i thought maybe there was some way i could make that work, and i tried really, really hard for almost two years now. but it's obvious to me that he is only happy when i neuter myself for the sake of his comfort. and i can't keep making myself smaller for another person, no matter how much you have tying you together.

despite how... idk, ambiguous things have been since last October, i did really give this my best shot. i really tried. but i think after hearing him say last night that i will never truly be myself ever again, maybe that's okay. maybe i would have changed anyway. maybe i am different now, irrevocably, and i no longer am willing to put up with the same shit i was willing to put up with a decade ago.

is that because i was assaulted by multiple people i trusted, or is that just who i am? the conclusion i came to today is that i don't give an iota of a fuck what caused it. it just is. and i think i've finally accepted what i've been venting about on here for months: that i DO deserve someone who will care to learn my favorite song, or get me flowers, or leave me notes, or gender me correctly, or follow through on things that benefit us as a whole with the same fervor they follow through on their own passions.

i'm sick of people using what happened to me as a boogeyman to explain away all of the problems around me. i experienced it, not you. i lived through it. you don't get to tell me about how that makes you feel but tell me it's "frustrating" when i try to talk about how it makes me feel.

you know what's frustrating? holding a man's hand and consoling him week after week after week about how the multiple sexual assaults you lived through, which he has never tried to talk to you about regarding your feelings, make him feel. consoling an adult about how they're personally affected by horrible, awful events you actually survived. which you very well might not have. i understand traumatic events affect everyone, even peripherally. but to shut me down for trying to talk about it on my own terms - it feels cruel.

you don't get to use my trauma as an excuse to rag on me week after week and then get pissed off when i voice that i had an upsetting reaction to something you enjoyed because i was triggered. that's not fair. and i'm tired of letting people treat like i'm a confused, damaged child instead of a 32 year old person perfectly capable of making my own decisions and asserting my own autonomy.

for the first time ever i am publicly open about who i am and what i want in life and i guess for some that is "too much". i think i just need to find people who it is enough for. i can keep trying a little longer to find them.