#she said shes been doing better except for today. we talked about her mental health and we caught up and talked about camp a bit | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sincelastsession · 3 months

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Mom got really shitty with me in the car and continued to fuss me about me trying to prove to her that these scammers that she speaks to are not real and I was trying to still explain to her that I was not trying to hurt her I was trying to help her avoid getting her heartbroken and that I did not want her to Live in a delusion where she thinks that these people are actually going to come and save her.

I understand what we spoke about in therapy.

I understand that sometimes when people are doing idiot things I just need to let them.

It was not ok for her to jump my ass after and be cruel about my partner possibly not being real and was he going to come see me? I have known him 7 or so years and been in a relationship 6 of those years. A background check was run. There's no script or scam. We both are poly. Neither of us can afford a visit. But we video chat and we have calls and message and Travis has spoken to him. He has never asked me for anything except when I asked him what he wanted for his birthday it was "trinkets" and he didn't want me to really spend more than 20bucks because he knows on ssi I don't get much and told me I didn't have to get him anything every other year. But I got him trinkets anyway and he went out and got a cigar box to keep them in and treasures what I chose to send.

I don't appreciate her questioning my relationship when she's talking to people that use her for large sums of money or promise her things if she commits fraud. I didn't want her to think a military general would need her to send him a dime for any reason. My uncle knows that general personally. My friend and his wife know of him and they were the experts to call. I was doing in my mind a protective thing.

To her it was obviously threatening her delusional happiness and plans to get money and a man to sweep her off her feet and buy her a country club home etc... my mother has always been after ANYTHING that could get her money or fancy things. My father paid of 60k of her credit card debt.

She's a psych nurse sure. But she's had to call me to ask me about mental health conditions because she doesn't know about it as much as she presented. She's only been at this job for a short while. She's done other nursing for many other things. I don't thing she's ignorant but I feel that no despite that being her job she doesn't always know what she's talking about.

She is elderly and she is very good at presenting herself as a strong smart professional and kind. But away from eyes of others she's very easily hooked to scams...like been doing publisher's clearinghouse and other types of mlm etc and diet scams etc other than romance scams.

I'm mad that I have to just do the "Let them" thing. I totally understand that it's needed now.

I actually was done with that and she's obviously still mad and threatened.

Both of my uncles are concerned despite drinking about her mental state with sort of things but they all fought and they're all at odds. At the time she had no problem with me calling anyone and didn't voice to me she was upset because I did check in to ask if she was.

This is one reason today I was sorta "wtf" because there were MANY other things to talk about. I'd asked if we could save harder stuff for a later session.

I do understand I need to learn "Let them" better. I do understand what you're frustrated with and it frustrates me too. My brain is going very fast. I've already heard and registered what you've said and it is a sort of agony waiting on people and holding thoughts. I'm not on adhd treatment. It was easier with the medication to hold thoughts and pause and allow people to know I was listening etc...

I still think there is something broken in my brain like autistic not clicking or other neurological.

I am very open to exploring ways to work around these challenges. If it's possible we will see how that goes.

For me big changes are scary.

Not using the correct words or tone is a problem I have that is a misunderstanding creator.

I explained why I use the terms I use. I've just been automatically learning and speaking this way my whole life. That imo is the autism. If we can work on that in a way I can wrap my head around what I'm not exactly seeing then cool.

There's a video or a few on here that showcases EXACTLY my frustration. I'll give you time to get to it.

Being neurodivergent and of different mind is a unique and frustrating experience I've always had but never understood.

Sometimes it feels like the whole wide world just doesn't understand me and wants me to be something that I cannot be or I don't know how to really really upsetting.

I would compare it to people not accepting that their children are queer and wanting to send them to conversion therapy instead of accepting that that's how they are.

I know that even with autism there are things that I probably do need to learn and work on but I'm really touchy about it and I'm really scared of change because I've had to find ways to be Comfortable and going out of my comfort zone is very very irrationally scary for me.

I am frustrated about the session which I expected to be really because I cause I don't know how to say what I'm feeling correctly and I keep being misunderstood and that is aggravating and I'm not mad at anyone really I'm just mad at the sitwaition of me having issues understanding and vice versa.

I do feel that you know you're excited to work with me and you know help me understand things better and change bad behaviors and tweak good behaviors to be even better or whatever the case.

Logically I understand all of it. Well as best I can. Emotionally I want to want to continue crying and scream and fight and all of that. I feel like I'm waiting on myself to get those feelings out of the way. Like they have to catch up with the logic and I don't know how to put it in any other way that's the best way I can put it I have a really hard time trying to explain things to people and I use metaphors a lot and sometimes that makes it worse.

The incessant talking and interrupting and I guess I don't know you seem to think it's from me not feeling hurt and the thing is I'm not like that with everybody. It has gotten worse and I don't know why. Possibly everything that's happening is all subconscious and I'm not consciously doing it. I'm trying to pay attention but I guess I'm not Recognizing I mean that's a total possibility.

I don't see how I was mean and that's frustrating. And of course outside of therapy you don't see how I got treated after therapy. And of course my mother was thrilled just like my father was thrilled to talk to you and it once again really did feel like I'm in the hot seat and I'm getting grilled and I know that that is not anybody's intention to make me feel any sort of way or I shouldn't really feel that way.

We can take a break from people coming in unless they call to make an appointment then I'm fine with that and I still want to continue therap one-on-one withh you but I am getting very burnt out on the interrupting subject and there's a million other things that I want to talk about and work on. Does feel like I'm going to have to tackle this before I do anything else and that is making me mad because I don't know if I can change it. It feels like I'm having 2 people please everyone and do everything in a certain way to fit in and 2 Make everyone happy. And I don't really know how to explain the rest in words.

I guess you could say that I am very rejection sensitive and there's probably big giant valid reasons for that due to trauma and bad events that have happened and events that have happened over and over and over again and I'm sure when I was out of the room my mother let you know things I guess I don't know and that's fine.

I get frustrated because I have this journal and I have the entire internet and I still am having problems trying to explain things because I read it and I'm like fuck that's not what I meant to say that looks this way he's possibly going to interpret it in a certain way and I'm worried about that and I understand that that thought process isn't so great either

And then there's the thing of doing cognitive behavior therapy and dialectical behavior therapy techniques with people who have complex PTSD or PTSD in general it can sometimes be very invalidating to our traumas and emotions and there's many articles on it.

Like to be honest when I journal I don't even like how I journal and it aggravates me so much but I'm trying to push through and not try and go back and shorten things or fix it or pour over it like an obsessive person trying to make it perfect for my therapist to read because then it would take me forever to express myself.

And it still takes a long time me just using Text-to-speech on my phone. Or just typing it out. So sometimes what I write looks like a fucking nightmare for anybody to read and I'm exhausted and I'm just not having the band with to go back and fix it.

And yes I'm extremely mean to myself nobody ever really needs to fuss at me or yell at me or even correct me unless it's something that's like super unobvious to me because I can see I just don't know what the hell to do about it other than apologize and continue to work on fixing it.

I do feel this gross unfairness that I'm the one that's been in therapy since I was a small child and you know the abuse that I have gone through not just from my parents has put like weights on me and I don't feel it's really fair I don't feel it's fair that I have to be in the water therapy but I am because no one else will do it and no 1 else can do Rap for me and I don't khow to do all of this in such a what feels like a short amount of time I have big issues with time sometimes times goes by really fast for me or really slow or I won't Miss A lot of time and I don't know where it went or what in the world I was doing that made the time go by so fast or if I was even mentally present during that time.

And I mean I'm at home I'm in my apartment I'm in my bed I'm in so much Pain. Physical pain.

There's not much I can do about it except bitch and be aggravated because it's just one more thing I have to deal with and smoking weed is not helping the pain and I don't have other pain medications I feel comfortable taking for it because I have never received proper pain management in my adult years I had a very good pain managemen a Doctor that is no longer practicing and we had everything to work it was working I wasn't having addiction issues I would take a piss test everything was fine and I had medicine for when I needed it for when I couldn't deal with it anymore.

And now I have the medical marijuana which is sometimes very enjoyable as a lot of people do enjoy it but I want to be more clear headed but sometimes I have to just fucking smoke or take a edible. It does often slow me down I've considered being like hey Joshua why don't we have a session where I Smoke out and get a ride to therapy and I ride home and I'm a lot slower when I'm stoned for pain or anxiety. And the thing is my anxiety medicine used to help a lot with the excessive talking and the anxiety but I'm in a flare.

And it seems like even though the Doctor has fussed at me to take the full 3 mg which I am trying to do but I don't like having to do it because I really don't want to fuck with my tolerance. Like that used to work really well but now you know I've been on it a long time it only seems to help like the other issues I have and it does sedate me but my anxiety and such my PTSD the things that caused me great disdress is on fire according to my Doctor and my primary care and The hypervigilance and theStress hormones and such seem to be overpowering the medicine. However if I did not take the medicine I would not be able to sit there and talk with you at all because I would probably be in the hospital screaming and being sedaided with heavy duty meds. It's all really frustrating.

It feels hard to just be a person.

And I don't think I'm like my father and I really don't like being compared to him I know that we have similar traits but I'm not my father I do not think like him I do not purposely act the way that he purposefully acts. And you know my father is kind of obsessed and my mom is sort of obsessed with me being like them. And they're obsessed with pointing this out to me and it makes me upset because I don't want to be a damn thing like them. Not with all the crazy shit I have experienced my entire life no fucking way. But I understand yeah they raised me of course I am going to be a little bit like them at least. And I do feel sometimes like I have some sort of stalk homes syndrome with them and I feel like I need their fucking approval and I'm so tired of having that feeling. I mean there's rare moments where I just don't give a fuck. But I wish I had more moments like that. Just letting people do the stupid thing is very difficult for me. Trying to talk to people about the stupid thing that they are doing that is bad for them and could potentially harm them or whatever the case is very very frustrating and difficult for me. I feel like certain message are cruel and other methods even though they're very direct and jarring to people I would rather just say something instead of spea fucking riddles and dance around the subject to where they have to guess and I don't understand really how neurotypical people speak.

I have always had trouble with that and I've always gotten like screamed at.

And you spoke about mirrors today and when I mirror people they don't like it but that's what I do sometimes because I don't know how else to act so I'm just trying to fit in and I think I'm doing what they're doing but obviously I'm not In some instances like clearly I'm failing at trying to mirror and mask And fit in with the rest of society because society is not built for people like me it's built for other people They do not have the same issues. And I spoke at length with my psychiatrist and his PA about how like 80% of the world is not nerd a Divergent and the other like 20% or whatever numbers that gave me you know we have a very difficult time and we're very intelligent and navigating through life is very hard and confusing.

I do understand how the DSM is very frustrating I don't even own a copy of it I wouldn't want to own a copy of it I have read other books about how they used to just diagnose everything as schizophrenia. I don't like that so I assume that that's the kind of aggravation that therapist feel like you mention.

And I tried to explain how I view it and why I speak the way I speak and II hope you understood that I am not trying to just use buzzwords and I don't even know what what you think about that but I'm not doing any sort of thing I've just always like picked up on what doctors were saying as a child and asked questions and started using that vinacular.

And Doctor Todd used to tell me that I would have to dumb myself down going to various doctors because they would be threatened by me using their language And it was very aggravating to them but he understood that it was just because I grew up in it and it became my special interes

I don't really want it to be my special interest but it just is I wish I could like bird watching or some other like Nish subject.

I wish I was obsessed with knowing things about something else honestly.

I mean I used to have a very large encyclopedia of knowledge about conspiracy theories and horses because I really loved horses growing up like obsessively and I had a pony growing up I was lucky it was a rescue was like a $100 pony and that was a good point in my life parts of that but my grandfather did not take care of it and it died and I'm still hurting from that even though my grandfather is dead and the horses dead etc.

And I used to take english writing and Western writing and I'm very good at it once I get back in the saddle and adjust back to it strangely enough I can't fucking ride a bike but I can ride a horse like a motherfucker. And I wish I could get into some sort of horse therapy for physical therapy type thing or just psychological type therapy actually looked up a traumatic therapist that used her horses for therapy unfortunately I think she quit practicing she was an older lady.

But also I could not ride if I wanted to right now because I am not small enough unless there's a draft horse. And I went off-topic so the following paragraphs are connected to earlier paragraphs.

I really was just trying to be assertive and I still don't see how I came across as mean because I was trying very hard to be kind and come across properly.

I do think that when I was in regions and between that time and after I got a concussion it sort of set my PTSD on fire and I had to calm down from that and I was doing pretty well and then the thing's following like you know last year did not really help me on the upswing because you know healing isn't linear. And I have theories that because I took myself off the pro's act that was making me horribly suicidal with the approval of my psychiatrist that the oc d and the other conditions I have that it was also possibly helping to treat could haveYou know not had the components of the medicine to calm that part down but also after I was in the car wreck that gave me the concussion I had a little bit of amnesia for a short period and it was little things and sometimes it's still a little things like there's people that come up to me and I have no idea who they are at time that's happened since. But I do know when your brain skaken and you have various conditions it fucks with those things. Not verbatim but the neurologist and my passed psych explained this. It was also Doctor Todd's understanding that it was probably a bit of everything and that the concussion did inflame it.

I'm feeling pretty bad and confused and misunderstood still. I don't understand why it's not clicking in my head. I'm definitely crying my face off.

You know I wanted to try and just shut up and let you catch up with my journaling and I know you're a speed reader but I told you I do type a lot I do talk a lot and I'm trying to like let it all out in the journal because it does feel like it helps to some extent I don't know what it's actually doing but I guess it's better than texting everybody and verbally telling everybody this over the phone which I know it's a lot of repeating and I don't know how to make that stop I have tried I have been trying it's been the bane of everyone's existence and my own for quite a while and I'm tired of it just as much as everybody else and I'm The one that has to live with it and I don't like living with it it's fucking irritating I just would love to be normal but I know that I'm not and I don't think that I will ever be normal but I would like to be better.

I do have a lot of triggers with therapy and I can't lie about that to you because that's something that you need to know I can't give you exact things. I don't know really how to articulate a lot when I really want to. If I figure out how to I'll explain it. I mean that's why I Post videos and info graphics because sometimes that's easier for me to communicate with. Sometimes just pictures and settings and art is easier to communicate with than words I have always been a visual spatial learner. If there was some way where we could use physical objects to explain things to me that might be very helpful. For example my last EMDR therapist used things that she would use with children and I don't know what they're called but she used that so I could explain shit to her.

Because I did talk a lot with her and that wasn't issue with therapy and I don't know how she helped me not do that.

I mean we did use the IFS system a lot and she did point out that the manager of the IFS system is the one that is talking so much and getting in the way of my core and I do not even know what my core is because it's very hard to talk to core because all the rest of the IFS system is guarding it and part of me even if I don't recognize it it's probably guarding Child me.

And I've done lots of inner child exercises but she's not there.

She's hiding somewhere and I can't find Her.

Or she's not there at all.

Sometimes it feels like my inner child is dead or never existed.

That makes me cry and makes me very mad.

Because I never really feel like I got to be a child

I didn't even like other children growing up I thought they were dumbasses I used to be in like second grade just sitting there watching people play and do what Normal elementary school kids do and I would get bullied for being Different of course because who doesn't and I just fucking hated other children I thought they were dumb as fuck and just disgusted by most of them and I thought that they were stupid

Not all of them but just if I'm generalizing. And how I grew up was very not great I mean I didn't get what I needed and being an adult I'm trying to pander to some of my inner child which I can't seem to find nor recognize if it is there like I think about buying Myself toys and things that I NEVER got to have or do things I'd NEVER got to do and Do That as an adult like I see a lot of people my age getting Back into

Because we have the adult money now and nobody can tell us that we can't go by the thing that we wan

But I have a budget so I can't really do that but I also own about a million hobbies because that's what happens I get bored I have to figure out something I get fascinated with a hobby I buy that thing and all the tools to do the hobby I start the hobby I get bored with it I try to find Something Else.

I'm worried that I'll never get better and I'll just always be this fuck up.

I mean because I've been abused so much it's hard for me to recognize if people are being kind to me unless it's very obvious and you know I do get defensive but what you saw was not really neat trying to be defensive it was just me saying something and it sounded that way to you and to my mother but to me it didn't And I'm sure if I had listened to myself recorded I might have been able to hear what you me I really didn't recognize what was mean.

I mean I know that the way I speak and we have always spoke has been pretty directed jarring for people and I've tried to adjust it and I've tried to please people and you know after a while I got fucking tired of it and just started talking how I talk and acting how I act because it got exhausting trying to police myself to make other people happy and then those people ended up hurting me anyway so why was I trying to make them happy what was the point It's just like

If my parents had a problem with my queerness or my relationship which they said they didn't have a problem with but obviously they do and that hurts. Because yes I have a hard time recognizing myself however I know that everything I do and say is somehow part of myself even though when I try to look at it I can't and I don't like that it bothers the fuck out of me

I mean when I was younger I saw the psychologist Doctor Carrie Mack and I don't know if you know about him. And he worked with me on cognitive behavior therapy and a lot of different things and I tried to get my parents involved with the cognitive behavior therapy because I wanted them to understand but then they just turned it around on me all the time and everything I did was wrong and I thought distortion and my feelings were invalidated because they would be thought distortions and not valid feelings for trauma as I went through So that's why it's a very confusing practice for me and so is DBT it's hard for me

And a lot of times things that I say that some of my excuses are just explanations to me.

I'm not trying to make excuses and try to make myself feel better and give people all this extra information to make myself feel better at least not consciously am I doing that I don't even really think that way. I think that's why I'm so confused about it is because I don't think that way and I don't know how to describe how my mind works so people can meet me halfway or be accommodating and it's a positive given take instead of me asking for help and then everybody kind of fucking resenting me

And that's exhausting for me andMental work is extremely exhausting.

And it's 705 PM and my neighbors have decided to all go outside down to the pool and start screaming and hollering and laughing and I can hear them talking about me and I can't prove it and I can't get out my phone and go on the balcony and sit there and record them because it's not going to help anything but still this whole situation is fucking distressing.

I would really like help finding a place that is good for me to live in other than this place I don't know if I can ask that of you I don't know what to do my mom and dad keep telling me to go to apartment complexes and call and talk to all these people myself but I don't know what I need to be asking etc

And then I'm worried about my ESA cat's litter mate who was the best buddy of Miss Spot who I had to take out of the gross fucked up environment into my home and give her the best last months of her life I could. That still hurts TREMENDOUSLY. I'm still VERY angry at my father and sister for the neglect.

All I want to do is go save the other cat now because my father's and sister's other cat are bullying him and he is a very beautiful shy sweet cat.

I'd like to move and go ahead and take him in. He was an ESA for me at home and does the same things my other two cats do to signal me.

And if it wasn't a good fit I foster with CABR and I know the foster coordinator and I know all the people over there and I could possibly find him a good fit of a home where he would get the love and Attention and calm environment and possibly be able to Help another person if it didn't Work Out with his old litter mate June or my Younger cat Griffin.

You know there's a lot of things on my mind other than just my family and the way I speak I mean there's a lot of puzzles and problems and things I'm trying to solve and it is all going on in my head at once and it is all very very overwhelming because it's a lot.

I feel spread very thin because I can't organize what's most important to do

I will often neglect myself to get things done that could wait

And I know that's not good.

I have many people I need to speak to and catch up with and I haven't been able to do that and I feel that they must think that I am an asshole and I don't want to lose connections with them because I'm having a hard time. And the thing is I've told them I'm having a hard time but I've been having a hard time for quite a long time and I feel like they don't really have the patience for waiting on me anymore and that hurt.

I really don't know how to speak to my old mentor Stephanie who is still friends with me because she doesn't understand me even though she tries very very hard to do so and she has her own mental health struggles and she's got grandchildren now and it makes me sad that we do not spend very much time together anymore and she often says very negative things to me and it hurts my feelings and Sometimes I wish I was more like her in the way that she just does stuff and doesn't fucking care about other people just like a large population Of people just only care about themselves in our self focused and I feel like I'm often the exact opposite of that.

I feel like I'm more focused on helping other people instead of myself because I'm better at helping other people than myself.

Just like you could put me in a messy room at someone else's house and I could clean it up and organize it but if you put me in my room it's a fucking nightmare for my brain

I'm one of aggravating things is I don't know how to talk without using certain terms and I don't really want to dumb myself down by trying to use simple terms but I know that I'm gonna have to do that in order to speak with your average everyday person that doesn't know so much about these things and did not have the experiences I had growing up and all that it's like having to be bilingual And I don't know like maybe another secret language a secret third thing that's what it always feels like it feels like it feels like it's just a secret third thing I don't know if you know what I mean by that.

Anyway I had some things that I was gonna say and I can't remember it now and I want to try and take a break and I don't know what I'm gonna do like I had plans but now I am kind of lost and I don't know what to get done

And I'm super fucking pissed at someone questioning my real legitimate relationship VS an imaginary one that's just a scam and I'm fucking mad about that still and I don't know how to get over being angry about that because I do not like people insulting the ones I love and I do not like people scamming people I love either and I do not like it that the people who are getting scammed get mad at me and do not understand What is going on and what I am trying to do to help them and just letting them makes me feel like a bad daughter. It's really distressing when mom comes to visit and she's giggling and smiling and speaking to her friend and that's not a real person that they say they are and I wish she would not pull her phone out to talk to those people around me because it does trigger me because I went through a lot of grief proving her wrong about 3 other instances of this.

And it put my sister through a lot of grief as well but she is better at not giving a fuck and blowing it off because she has the lovely brain of a 22-year-old and it's much easier when you're that age in my opinion to just not care and be all up your own ass

And I do wish that I could go back to my brain in my teenage and early 20s because I feel like I had the appropriate amount of no fucks given on certain subjects versus now

I was braver back then and now I'm scared to go to the grocery store alone

And that is not good and I don't like that at all and I'm no I'm not the only one because it's a common topic online with people there is even memes about it. But these sort of things I cannot stand and I'm tired of dealing with

It is frustrating seeing my sister fuck her life up and yeah none of this is in my circle of control absolutely none of my family is in my circle of control. And they are triggers and I love them any way even though they've hurt me very very badly. And I feel very rejected by them and a lot of people because people don't understand me.

I do feel more understood by other people who are similar to me because I think that those kind of people like me communicate the same way.

Like some other autistic people I know understand exactly what I mean and I don't feel the urge to repeat. I feel comfy and I actually relax talking with them.

Matthew the past person not to be confused with my ldr...was autistic and adhd. They felt like home and it was EXTREMELY easy to communicate with them about everything. Sometimes I have fantasies that they will divorce the wife and come get me. But I know that's a very unlikely scenario.

Matt and me want to be close. He's grieving things and being vulnerable with me and clear and learning and I think we're doing well on being supportive and clear with one another.

I do wish he would visit but I have insecurities that I'm sure he has that it won't feel the same in person or what if there's no in person chemistry and I know he has worries about his social circle wondering why he is in Louisiana. He's private and doesn't want to be nagged by friends and family who would find out and flip. They already don't like his other partner Kathleen because she is married. Her husband and Matt are just friends though they hang out. They aren't in a relationship afaik. So those ppl that had fits about her wouldn't respond well to me. However he has told me that there are a small circle of people that do know about me because I asked because I was like hey you know I'm not jealous I'm just curious but do you talk about me like you talk to me about how much you love Kathleen and he answered and said yes he just doesn't really talk to a large amount of people because he made the mistake of doing that with Kathleen and he got a lot of shit for it. And he doesn't want to go through that again and I can understand why he doesn't want me to be in the spotlight and people to be trying to add me as a friend or question my motives and my feelings for him like they did with his other partner. And their relationship is completely separate than mine and his and it doesn't really bug me too much because I mean it just doesn't I don't know how to explain that like I don't feel jealousy like other people do in my opinion. Like I've been jealous before but it didn't last very long like not even a full day. The longest I've ever been angry and jealous with him about another person was aspeak and then I got over it 1 day I was just like what I was just like whatever fuck it. I understand that he has a stronger connection with her since she's there and he sees her all the time. Like physical connection. And you know I've been talking to him about the same amount of time andI think that we have a beautiful emotional connection and when we did have a long distance toy we did have a decent long distance physical connection but those fuckers have very faulty mechanics and break very easily and aren't cheap to replace and I gave up on it for a bit because it's not within my budget and he bought the first one and so I would need to buy the second 1 and honestly I don't feel that the sexuality is very necessary and nor does he right now like we're both just not feeling eager to be sexual In a long distance manner howeverIt doesn't mean that that effects are dominant submissive relationship which is not supersexual either. Sometimes we have moments but it's not like other people I know that fuck like rabbits. It's not like that kind of thing. It's sort of unique unto its own. And I tried to explain to my mother the reason that I hadn't flown to see him and he hadn't flown to see me is because we are not in good places in our lives to do that and we both have big stupid fears and we both do want to do that it's just not the right time. And I don't view it as an excuse he has been very clear and so have I. I feel like it's a healthy relationship even though it's long distance and I am threatened and pissed that it was brought in to question by my mother today just as much as he was angry when his mother and father disapproved of his relationship with someone who is married already.

I mean he has expressed that he wants me to get enough attention from someone here because he can't be here to do that for me he wants me to get my needs met but I can't really find anybody here that I'm comfortable with right now other than my ex-boyfriend who is acting strange since he got s over and seems to be hanging out with people that I find to be still unhealthy for him but he is much younger than me. So that I don't know if it will ever be a thing again because we have gone from friends with benefits to dating back to friends with benefits and then he was out of the country for a year teaching english and he was very miserable and he came back and it was friends with benefits and then at 1 point he decided to put me in best friend zone or whatever the case and I was like OK and I accepted it even though it was sad And I did tell him that if he changed his mind to let me know and then the week's following he gave me very mixed signals because he would flirt with me Very obviously and I would be shy and then not realize that he was trying to get it on with me. And now when we see each other in public it is just very awkward and it used to not be and I don't understand. I mean he's sober now and I wouldn't change that I'm very happy for him but I miss the way he was vulnerable when he was drunk all the time. I don't want him to drink again though. And he's the only guy in Baton Rouge that I think I would allow to touch me at this point in time. Probably the only man in this state.

I mean I'm getting really sick of my pamentioning that I should date Travis and I should try out stuff with him when me and Travis are like you no thank you we are basically siblings that's incestuous disgusting no fucking thank you. He's not my type and I'm not his type we get along great as friends and I'd like to keep it that way.

Then I have Justin who cannot follow my boundaries of I will contact you when I am doing better and we can hang out and talk and be friends. Instead he is texting me random things and I am not replying because I am pissed off that he has crossed those boundaries. He is pushing those boundaries just like he tried to push me to have sex and I am very mad about that still. Because yes I understand that men just get hard for no reason or when they're turned on sometimes I get it I understand that but when you're cuddling with somebody and you're like poking your Dick into their butt on purpose and then pretending like you're not doing it on purpose that is violating. Because I've cuddled with many men and if that happened with them and they knew that we were not going to be having sex they would excuse themselves to the restroom and take care of the problem so it would not bother me.

I mean Matthew was asexual and would often have that happen and my ex-boyfriend would have that happened and I would not want to do anything other than cuddle and they would not ask to do anything further and they would be respectful.

And I am still very bothered by Justin because it's like I did really want to be friends with him and try out a little relationship but he did not understand me at all and he was very pushy and he would put things on me and so now trying to have a friendship with him feels very weird because he's nothing like he was when we had our little fling when we were younger he has something wrong with him there is something off

And when I say that there's something wrong there's something off it's in the eyes. His eyes scare the fuck out of me now they are not the same eyes I remember. And you know when people say that all of their exes were crazy that's a giant red flag because how can his past 2 ex-girlfriends be crazy when you know I heard all of the information and I feel like there's lots of missing you know plot holes. And I thought that it was gonna be a thing that worked out and we could date and things like that but as soon as he learned that I would not be giving him sex he quit treating me as nicely and he had a tantrum about reading a book about polyamory and I'm just like what's wrong with just learning about it then I thought that you were okay with that and he was like no I was gonna be that for you and I'm like that's not a good thing you don't try to be polyamorous for someone when you're not built that way. He was very threatening to my relationship with Matt and he was very disrespectful towards him and I don't like that.

I wish I could just well I actually could break the boundary and try and talk to Matthew because there's things I still want clarity on and I know that Matthew doesn't hate me but I don't want to cause upheaval in their marriage.

I mean he lied to me. And he holds himself at fault and he has apologized and I have forgiven him even though it was very hard and even though I still get angry about it I forgave him because I understand. It is pretty frustrating that You know he stayed in the marriage for his children and I know that he still can't stand his wife and that relationship but he's just faking it for his children until they are older.

I know this to be true because one of his best male friends is actually banned from hanging out with him alone as well because his wife's psychotic. She doesn't want him hanging out with anyone no matter what gender they are other than her and the kids and his family. However he and his guy friend who I also know did meet up at some point and he was able to communicate with them to relate to me that he was not happily with her he was just doing it for the kids. And they were separated at the time that me and him had an asexualCuddle buddy watch movies eat pizza sort of relationship. And he had lied to me about things to do with her but not about the abusive things that she did because I heard many voice calls of her just verbally abusing the crap out of him and it took everything for me not to pipe up and say something really awful to her. I mean I even helped him look for divorce attorneys because he was just ready to end the marriage.

And then at some point he decided that it was going to be terrible for his children and he quit with the idea of ending the relationship and started to go to couples therapy with her and they became no longer separated and that is what the lying was about.

And she was more angry with him And told me that it wasn't my fault and she didn't blame me and she just asked if I had sex with her husband and I said nope and we never did and all that ever happened is he kissed me and I was honest with her and she has control over his phone and he is not allowed to use it to talk to anyone around her but I suspect that he has another phone or when he goes to his mother's house Where he has a room there when he can't stand to be around his wife is when he gets on tik tok And He will like everything I repost or he will like the tiktok that I make. And I did have a very short conversation with him on there and I felt bad for breaking that boundary and I haven't spoken to him since but I talked to him to get clarity about something and he sent me a paragraph that was very scripted. But it gave me the clarity I needed and it seems like that's never going to be a thing and I am grieving that. And I was never involved with them to be a homewrecker I really did think that they were going to get a divorce and it didn't start off as a romantic thing at all we were friends first and he made those moves. But it really wasn't many moves to make because we were just so comfortable around one another and there was no sex there was curious kisses basically because he didn't really like that too much and I didn't care because that's not really super important to me if it's somebody I care about like there's toys I wouldn't die.

And I don't know I need to just shut up for a while but I keep talking because I'm stressed out and I need to get certain things out of my system.

I mean right now as I speak my neighbors are outside in the pool purposefully hollering and screaming and it is very distressing to me and when I came home to that bullshit yesterday it was very upsetting to the point my mom had to come spend the night and I feel shit about that but I am scared. To come home today and have those neighbors glaring at me near my apartment eating chips the same chips that we're in the fucking astray Was very telling that they are the ones that were responsible for touching and fucking with my property and that means they have no respect for me or others or others property and they don't care about anything and they don't understand what the word courtesy means and it's really interesting because they're muslims and Muslim people like real Muslim people who practice religiously do not act like that from my experience. Like I don't know I suppose it's the same thing with christians and Christianity I don't follow either of those really because I don't think that I need an imaginary friend to have good morals and values. I don't doubt that there's some sort of higher power of some form butI don't subscribe to made up imaginary friend religions that are more new than anything els Like I mean there's ancient religions that you know how to a female and in history it seems like a lot of the female dynamics in religion have been erased and that's fucked up

Anyway I'm off-topic again always it seems. But yeah my neighbors are outside being extremely loud and screaming on purpose because I think the office let them know that I had PTSD and I think they're just now torturing me aside from fucking with my shit to get back at me.

I cannot wait to move and I am so scared that I'm going to lose it before I get to move.

I wish I could just have a sit down talk with office mediation with those neighbors so I could explain to them that I don't actually have any problem with them as people I just would not like to hear them screaming and hollering and being very trashy all times of day. And I know with apartments you get a mixed bag of neighbors but you know my neighbors before even a fucking drug dealer we're super polite and super courteous. And it doesn't have to be this way at all and I think you know if the courtesy officer sat down and the office manager sat down and I sat down and so did the occupants of that apartment and I just explained that like Hey you're really loud and it's difficult for me to get any rest when I'm hearing screaming and nobody else around the complex does this because I go on walk sometimes when I can make myself get out of the apartment and I've never had this problem in the past 5 years with anybody that lives here. Just mostly people off the street and people off the street jumping the fence to get in the pool which would be loud because they would treat it like a public pool instead of a private residential pool.

It also sort of disturbs me that people have their kids playing in the pool by themselves outside past 8 PM at night II don't know what sort of parenting that is but I think it's pretty fucking stupid and 1 day they're going to end up Walking out there and one of their children will be drowning and no 1 is going to get down there fast enough or something.

I know it's a lot of my control is just frustrating and I need to vent

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forestryfae · 9 months

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oh my fuckign god "did you wash clothes today" yes hi hello how are you how are you feeling are you doing well is the depression and general lack of enrichment kicking your ass are you stressed cus you have a house and two cats and you dont know what to do with them how was christmas vacation did you have fun did you live in a house where it was a constant 10c or less except for the maybe 17c you had in your bedroom? are you getting psychiatric care and medication to help you with your mental health problems?

no cus washing clothes and bugging me about it is more important. i tried to do some yesterday but we went for a walk and it was longer than expected cus they said it was short and never elaborated so i was exhausted and pissed for the rest of the day i am constantly exhausted and pissed. i have NO energy. i cant get people to talk to me when i want them to but everyone collectively has decided that when im upset and angry is the best time to reach out, when its literally too late and im already on edge and i can not fucking communicate properly how fucking hard is it for people to just. actually acknowledge that i have depression and ocd and probably other shit too and that that takes a huge toll on me, combined with just in general having a shit physical health that means i cant go for hour long walks with NO breaks in shit weather while im walking two times faster than my usual speed cus everyone with long legs or good physical health are unwilling to slow down at all or take breaks or WAIT for those of us who need them

jesus fucking christ its so infuriating how every time we go on longer walks and the people in front of us stop theyve had like a 5 minute break. and we get there and we dont even get a break. they start walking before we even reach them. so its fucking constant. my legs are fucking aching to the point where i will start crying if i dont get to take a break but thats not important. how fucking self centered and unempathic can someone be.

literally everything is OUR responsibility but we still get treated like kids and when we do our part we get their part shoved in our faces with a fun dash of "well why did you just do this why didnt you remind us" like FUCK OFF. the assholes cant even give me my penicillin without me reminding them i have recieved NO follow up after coming back from vacation i havent had anyone to talk to and my support contact, as much as i try to give her credit for the stuff she does and i try to be grateful that she atleast tries and she wants better for me than what i have, is missing most of the time and doesnt reach out to me and is completely incapable of understanding that i need them to actually d their jobs without blaming me when shit goes wrong.

holy fucking hsit how hard would it have been for them to ask "hey i know you hate going home and didnt want to, how was it at home, what happened at your house, are you doing okay after christmas vacation? hows your teeth didnt you have a medical emergency w your teeth? how do you wnat to restart your routines do you need help with that?" like its their fucking job to help me and i get fucking nada. can people just for once actually act like i have feelings and emotions and i need them to actually be validated and acknowledged without feeling like i need to justify them and defend them every time i have them?

#i am so fucking tired and i just know noones gonna wanna hear about any of the shit i had to deal with. they cant even figure out how to #tell people to shut up at night you have to fix that yourself. like it went fine but i should not have to be the one to do that!!!!!!!#like i cant. have any autonomy or choice or responsibility but i also have ALL of it when they dont feel like doing shit???#anyways. id probably ahve to wait a while?? but i really want a dresser so im looking at some online #talkies

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talictries · 1 year

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friendship vent (agane LMAO)

i didnt say this before because i was too embarrassed LMAO but a little over 2 weeks ago i ruined my best friend of 5 year's 21st birthday by getting way too drunk, breaking up the whole event, and having a ambulance called on me LMAO. i am ok (obvi) but I've always been the one who's leeched off her for emotional support shit (because i have no friends except her lol) and we've had these similar arguments in the past but because it was supposed to be her big day, and it was in front of all her friends from uni and shit, and her family (which had to deal with me and house me for that night) none have ever been this bad.

because my mental health is so shit, she often worries if I've like kms-ed even tho i wouldn't do that. but i gave her space for 2 weeks and finally messaged her today being like yo hope you're well all that shit. she messaged back (a good sign) and we talked for a tiny but but she was like I'm still mad at u abt the party thing but I'm also worried about your mental health.'

and like, sure, i could have just said 'dw I'm all good' and moved on, but in the past 3 years where I've lost all my other friends and family (no one died dw, just stopped talking to friends and family moved far away) I've always kinda leaned on her the most. and over the past few months when my mental health was at its lowest, i could tell she was starting to get anxious just by my mere existence (thinking i was dead or smth) and its been weighing on my mind that she doesn't really need that shit in her life, because her life comparatively is a fuck ton more stressful atm.

so basically i info dumped (not a slay) and was like look i was giving u space, but I've been thinking about our friendship which i am the one who always messes up, and ik we've had a few conversations abt it before but i just wanted to state my piece. already from my side this has been a slightly unhealthy relationship because i know i am far too dependant on you, and i don't want this turning into a more unhealthy friendship because before that was a v internal me thing whereas now its actually impacting your life. so i love our friendships and its happy moments but i want you to really evaluate your life and make the final decision as to if you want me in it or not. maybe not for a few weeks, or moths, or ever, but i feel guilty that YOU feel guilty about it.

and ik it isn't my place to dictate her feelings or whatever but now i fear if i just kept my mouth shut we'd be on the path to getting back to normal. but at the same time, if i didn't say this then i feel like I'm mental-health-trapping her because she thinks if she leaves me ill kms??? like baby trapping but not really. anyway idk. she said 'this is a lot, i need time' which is totally fair and i will give it to her, but honestly now i feel I've been TOO real and she'll be like 'yeah i actually don't need talic in my life' and that may send me spiralling because i have zero support systems (apart from ao3 LMAO) without her.

oh well. if it works out it will, if it doesn't then its better for both of us in the long-run ig. just sad I've ruined another 5 year long friendship because of my alcoholic clingy stupid mental-health-issue-ridden ass.

lol

im ok dw. i truly want what's best for her and if its a life without me then i accept it. i will not be selfish and take more from her like i have. besides having zero friends will legit make me go out and make more because i die without social interaction (i say not showing up to uni for the third day week in a row because I'm lowkey agoraphobic and high-key depressed)

slay. perhaps i will write the most gut-churning sad angst to cope

#talic.life #tw: mental health #tw vent

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thanakite · 2 years

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It probably shows how disconnected from other social media and just like celebrity drama in general I am when today was the first time I was hearing about (as far as I remember at least) the Constance Wu drama and how she was off social media for 3 years or whatever, and honestly all of it seems dumb

Like I'm super happy that she's coming back and seems to be doing better and every, but realistically it was dumb that it happened in the first place, she shouldn't have received the backlash she did

People are allowed to be unhappy with the direction something goes, especially if it has direct impact on their lives and it is their choice how they go about expressing it as long as their expression doesn't cause direct harm to others, she was obviously upset at the renewal of the show she had already been on for 5 seasons and later stated it was because she felt the show wasn't being allowed to go the direction the creator(s) desired and that was a mistake, to me that seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to complain about that likely SHOULD have been back by fans of the show

Here's the thing too though, yes that could have been a lie to cover herself after such public complaints, but honestly, who cares? She complained, gave a logical explanation that may or may not be her truth but could still be a truth, and then at that point people should have let it go

Celebrities are not gods, they are not infallible, they are human just like the rest of us, and yeah some makes mistakes that make it really difficult to like them anymore, but this doesn't seem like one of those times, this seems like people jumping on any chance they could take to cancel her and seizing on this incident with extreme abandon

Like should she have said this publicly on Twitter? Probably not, as that would be the case with any job, but typically when people slagg off on their job on social media and get in trouble for it, they don't tend to then have so many people turn on them in mass, usually they just get in trouble with their boss, and generally (unless it's a special) most co-workers wouldn't care or would agree with the person in trouble, she instead got shit all over by tons of people

Now, as a final thing, this apparently (and understandably) had major impact on her mental health but the reality is that at least some of that was likely already there when this happened and played it's own role in her decision to send out those tweets, and while mental health doesn't excuse the actions of a person if it hurts others, the reality is that in this case, the only person who seemed to be hurt by this was her, like yes, there was theoretical potential harm if her tweets had caused the show to have their renewal status reconsidered, but the reality is that, that didn't happen, the show did their 6th season and then ended and if that was ending had anything to do with her tweets at that point that would be completely idiotic

So, no jobs were lost, the people involved either got the chance to prove her wrong or were proved she was right (either way not really a negative), and things moved on for everyone involved with the show, except for poor Constance Wu who was burned severely over something that at most required a stern talking to about what is and isn't appropriate to post on her official Twitter account

We need to be better about cancel culture, but we also should probably acknowledge that race likely played a huge role in how bad this was and that is also completely unacceptable, and really makes you wonder how this would have played out if she was one of the cis white male actors that people are often obsessed with.

I very much doubt it would have become such a dogpile of hatred, and that really says something, unfortunately not anything good though

#constance wu #like i feel like worrying about the direction the show you have been on for 5 years is understandable #maybe that's just me though

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themoonandvenuslovechild · 3 years

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Depression

Summary: It had been one of those weeks where the depression was just unbearable, so you had decided to spend your week isolated from the team, telling them you were sick. Druig and Makkari come check on you one day, only to find you wrapped up in your blankets with an incredibly dirty room. They know you’re not okay, and they decide to do their best to make it better for you.

TW// depression, mentions of self-harm, mentions of bad eating habits, apathy, tooth-rotting fluff, suicidal thoughts, mentions of death, non-sexual nakedness

Pairing: Drukkari x Reader

A/N: in honor of my depressive episode as of late and the fact i haven’t cleaned my room in over two months 🥸

No one had seen you today, an incredibly unusual occurrence, considering you tended to be the team’s main motivator for continuing through the day. Worry coursed through the veins of your team as they stood around in the common area.

“Where’s (Y/N)?” Druig asks, his accented voice flowing through the air.

Everyone shakes their head, except for Sersi. She opens her mouth with a soft intake of breath before she begins speaking to the team, answering the question that had been on everyone’s minds. “She’s sick. I went to find her this morning and she was in bed, said she was ill and she may not be out for a couple of days.”

Druig nods slowly, his gut telling him something about that was wrong, but he never knew you or Sersi to be people who would flat-out lie. A soft huff leaves him as he lets his shoulders drop. There’s a hint of worry still flowing through his body, but for the most part he feels okay, knowing that you’re safe in your room in the Domo.

Everyone excepted that you didn’t wish to be bothered while you recovered from whatever disease you had contracted, but after a week of no contact with you, Makkari began to grow quite worried, as did Druig.

“We should go check on her,” Makkari suggests, her eyes wide and showing her concern for your well-being.

“I’ve been thinking the same,” is Druig’s response as he stands from his seat and holds out a hand for Makkari to take.

She places her soft hand in his, and she walks with him to your bedroom door, their footsteps making a soft padding noise on the floor of the Domo. They reach your door, a note stuck to it reading, “Please do not disturb, I am sick!”

Makkari frowned a slight bit, pulling her lip between her teeth and taking her hand back from Druig. “What if we’re just bothering her?”

“Then we apologize and leave her be, but I’ve felt off about her being sick all week.”

Makkari nods as Druig takes a hand and knocks loudly three times on your door, only to receive no response from you. They both know you’re inside the room, but your lack of answer begins to worry them more. Makkari grabs the doorknob and pushes the door open, finding it hard to open past the pile of plates near the door, most (if not all) of the food that was originally on the plate still remained, showing you hadn’t been eating much of the meals you’d be given.

“(Y/N)?” Druig called softly for you.

He scans the room, only stopping when he watches Makkari march towards the bed and pull the covers back, exposing your body curled in on itself as you whine, the loss of warmth making you want to whine.

“What?” Your tone is more harsh than it would usually be, the tiredness seeping into your attitude for others.

Makkari immediately notices evidence of your poor mental health marked across your thigh, white scars and red scabs on your leg. Her eyes soften as she reaches out to you, her palm landing on your ankle, your reflex being to pull away as soon as the touch registers to your brain.

Druig looks at her in questioning, and he tilts his head just slightly.

“Her thighs,” Makkari signs, pain in her eyes at the fact that you’re in pain.

His eyes drift down and he sees what Makkari is talking about. He frowns and his eyes glide back up to your face, seeing how red it is from irritation.

He places his knee on your bed, slowly putting his weight on it. Then, he calls out to you with a gentle tone. “(Y/N), is it okay if i touch you?”

A little whimper of agreement leaves you, and Druig’s hand finds your own, his fingers intertwining with yours.

You begin to cry again, warm tears streaming from your face and embarrassment taking over your body. You didn’t enjoy crying in front of others, it was unpleasant.

Except this time, it wasn’t, as Makkari took the time to crawl into the bed with you, her body embracing your own, gathering your shaking form into her arms and laying your head against her chest. One of Makkari’s hands begins to rub up and down her back in a soothing motion, trying to help you calm from whatever emotion it is that you’re feeling.

“I just want to die,” you say and sloppily sign as you cry softly into her. The two of them stiff up at the declaration, their eyes meeting each other, not quite knowing what to do.

“M’darling, let us help you.” There’s more sobbing as you nod your head, and they both know it’s more of a pleading than an answer.

Druig motions for Makkari to hand you over, taking you into his arms and lifting you bridal style, carrying you to the bathroom, and setting you down on the counter. His warm hands cup your face as he rests his forehead against yours, closing his eyes before speaking. “I’m going to start you a bath, and then I’m going to help ‘Kari clean up some while you soak in the water, beautiful girl.”

“Okay.” It’s the first word you had said since they’d seen you, your voice shaky and hoarse.

“Okay.” He nods against your head before pulling away, his hand turning the knob on the tub, turning it to warm and plugging the drain, waiting for the tub to fill.

“I’ll be back in just a minute, pretty thing, you just stay right here.”

He turns his back to you, and walks to go into your room, finding Makkari already stripping the sheets and blankets off of your bed. When he enters, she turns towards him and gives a forced smile. Druig knows that his heart hurts just as much as his own because you were in pain.

“Is she okay?” Makkari is quick to ask.

“I’ve started a bath for her. I figured one of us could clean up and the other could stay with her to make sure she’s okay and nothing happens in the bath.”

Makkari nods. “I’ll clean, you stay with her. She’ll be able to interact with you better right now, since she can hear your voice.”

Makkari gives a lopsided smile at the end of what she’d said, obviously upset that she couldn’t comfort you as well as Druig could in this moment. Druig sighed and nodded, turning around to help you bathe.

You were exactly where he had left you, set on the counter. Druig is almost sure you haven’t moved the tiniest bit, and it concerns him more.

“Are you okay if I help you undress?”

You nod, silently consenting to his help. He steps forward and pulls your shirt from your torso, tossing it in the corner. He pulls you off the counter before tugging your pants and underwear down your legs, leaving you fully nude in front of him.

Druig can see the effect of you not having eaten much this past week. You’re pale and there’s dark circles under your eyes. Your body is shaking as you stand in front of him. He’s scared for you, and he’s scared for whatever you’ve been going through.

His strong arms lift you and carry you to the tub, setting you inside the warm water before turning off the faucet, leaving you to snuggle a little deeper into the warmth as he kneels beside the tub.

Your eyes are closed as he speaks to you, his words reverberating off the walls. “I’m going to wash your hair, okay?”

You hum in response, before feeling his hands disrupt the stillness of the water by pooling some in them and dumping it over your head to wet your hair. A part of you felt the need to help Druig, even in this state where you’re numb and tired, so you dunked your head under the water.

When you resurfaced, Druig watched as you wiped the droplets from your face, relaxing once again. He put shampoo in his hands, lathering it together before they found your hair. Gently, he massaged your head, his fingers pushing ever so slightly against your scalp, making you hum at the touch. He ran his fingers as thoroughly through your hair as he could before he dunked his hands back into the tub and began attempting to rinse your hair of the suds.

It made a small laugh bubble from within you. It was the first time you’d truly laughed in a while, and it made your heart soar and free fall at the same time. It was wonderful to have joy, but it hurt knowing you had been lacking it. It hurt bad enough knowing you hadn’t had joy that you almost wanted to force yourself into sadness.

He could see the internal conflict you had going on through the ways your eyes flitted back and forth, almost as if two people were arguing and you were trying to choose who to watch.

“I’m here for you, (Y/N). Makkari is here for you. We’ll be here if you want to talk about why you’ve been locked away all week.”

Your eyes meet his, and you catch the figure behind him. Makkari begins to walk over, kneeling next to Druig and sliding her hand to your cheek, brushing her thumb back and forth across your cheek bone.

You don’t speak the rest of the time that they help you bathe. They had lifted you from the tub and wrapped you in a soft towel before Druig went back to carrying you like you were a princess. He laid you on the bed, and you quickly took notice to the way that the sheets felt clean. Your sheets were clean. Your room was clean. It was fresh and new.

It made you cry.

Neither of them knew how to respond. Makkari took the approach of trying to get you clothed so that she could cuddle you, while Druig was trying to figure out what exactly you were crying about. It was a mess.

They were your mess, though. Your perfect bundle of sweet and salty, sarcastic and serious, intelligent and stupid. They were your people to love.

When Makkari had gotten you dressed she had crawled into the bed, sitting behind you with her legs on both sides of your body, having you lean back into her. Her hands ran through your wet hair, and you tilted your head to look at her, her eyes meeting yours while they were full of love.

“I love you,” you sign to her.

She melts a little as she signs it back.

“I love you,” you say to Druig.

“And I love you, now you have to eat.” He hands you some kind of fruit you’d never seen before, his fingers brushing your own as he lets it roll from his palm to yours.

“What is it?”

He gives you a look that says ‘just eat the damn food’, so you did.

It was amazing, a sweet combination exploding in your mouth, and you smiled in satisfaction. Makkari’s hands moved to speak, and you snuggled into her to get away from embarrassment at what she’d said. “There’s that beautiful smile.”

Druig laughs at your reaction before crawling into the bed and joining the skin-to-skin contact, practically crushing you under him as his fingers dance along your sides, tickling your skin.

“Dr-Druig! Stop! That ti-tickles!” Your giggles echo around the room as you squirm between your lovers, trying to escape the man’s torture.

He does stop, his eyes showing you that you mean the world to him as he leans down and presses a kiss to your lips. You kiss back before pulling away and giving a kiss to Makkari too.

Depression was difficult, watching people get hurt was difficult, but Druig and Makkari were always there for you, and you’d always be there for them. No matter how difficult things became.

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aspensfairylight · 2 years

Text

We all need help sometimes

Tw : mental health

Characters : reader x Bellatrix

Rundown : Bella isn't doing well and goes to reader for help

Request status : open

Bellatrix was just drained and the upcoming war wasn't helping. You knew Bellatrix struggled with her mental health at times, and you were always there to help her. This was no exception, you knew she was having a hard time, and now she had been laying with her head in your lap, your fingers carefully playing with her hair. "How are you doing today Bella?" You ask softly, you liked when she was cuddly like this, for such an awful person, she really could be a big teddy bear.

Bellatrix shrugged as she snuggled more into you, "'m just tired pet," she said softly, melting into you. You never pushed it past any further than that, if she didn't want to tell you, then that was alright too.

"Anything I can do to help?" You asked softly, making sure her hair was out of her face.

"You're already helping," the older witch mumbled softly, letting her eyes flutter shut. Sometimes, Bellatrix just needed someone there for her, just needed to know that someone had her back no matter what. You would never truely know how much you mean to her, losing you had become her biggest fear, and you had become her rock.

You just smile at the words, glad that you were able to help her in some way. "If you ever want to talk, I'm a good listener," you assured her, wanting to help make sure she knew that she could confide in you. Bella didn't always really talk about her feelings or things that bothered her, and you were just trying to help create a safe place for her to do so.

"I know..." Bella muttered softly, "I just wouldn't want to be a bother is all, you have better things to do than listen to me," the witch half joked to you, looking up to you with a sheepish smile.

"I love hearing you talk," you were quick to say, giving her a sincere smile as you spoke.

"I'm just tired, and I want this war to be over soon, the sooner we get it done, the better. I don't want something to happen to you during the war... I'm tired of the Dark Lord using me, I went to Azkaban for him, but it wasn't enough." Bellatrix mumbled slowly, you had a feeling that the witch thrived on praises and knowing she did good, you had a feeling she was her biggest enemy.

"You are doing such an amazing job with it too Bella. I'm very proud of you, you are a strong woman, and I'm so lucky to have you in my life." You said softly as she adjusted herself, leaning against your chest. You kissed the top of her head, "you're so cuddly," you teased out to her as you pulled her close, letting her nuzzle into your chest.

"Just don't tell anyone."

#bellatrix x reader #bellatrix lestrange #sfwaspen

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milfsthings · 3 years

Text

꒦꒷꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦

Bellatrix x reader

sfw

Bellatrix is just tired, and turns to reader

for support.

@amazingzou I hope you like the three

new Bellatrix fluffs!/gen

"Anything I can do to help?" You asked softly, making sure her hair was out of her face.

"I know..." Bella muttered softly, "I just wouldn't want to be a bother is all, you have better things to do than listen to me," the witch half joked to you, looking up to you with a sheepish smile.

"I love hearing you talk," you were quick to say, giving her a sincere smile as you spoke.

"Just don't tell anyone."

#bellatrix black #bellatrix lestrange #bellatrix fanfic #bellatrix x y/n #bellatrix x reader

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wizkiddx · 3 years

Text

your voice

angsty vibe, requested by @hollandlover19 than you for th rq and hop this doesn't disappoint too much :)))

summary: tom says something so stupid and has to deal with the consquences

warnings: a bit angsty, but ends in fluff! argumnts and raising voices, I guess could be associated with panic attacks tho not written with that intention

//////////////////////////////////

“Oh, Y/n er sorry.” Harrisons morning dulcet tones were what you were awoken to with a groan.

Everything was achy, and your head was pounding, making you grumble in discontent as you shifted uncomfortably on the technically too-small-to-sleep-on sofa.

This was not the morning you’d foreseen even 12 hours ago.

Lockdown had been difficult for everyone, even removing the tragic health crisis. Being locked in with your boyfriend and his brothers and friends was, for the most part, amazing. Lots of laughs, lots of beers and lots of quality time that you usually didn’t get. But it was also intense.

Without a doubt, since you first got together, this was the longest time you’d ever had with Tom. And it had been brilliant, your relationship getting so much closer and just learning the subtlest intricacies about the other. In fact, when lockdown had been announced, you’d never lived together (the most a week-long holiday).

Though it was also like a pressure cooker, Toms rented house. When one of you were in an understandable but stubborn lousy mood, it affected the whole house.

Yesterday night had been the perfect storm. The weather was unbelievably scorching; your work had announced that they had to let some staff go because of the financial implications of the pandemic; a ‘mole’ had released personal details of your relationship.

And it was like a pot on the stove; everything went from controllable to violently boiling over in a matter of minutes.

Honestly, you didn’t even know why you had started arguing - it was that pathetic. And yet you’d both said pretty horrible stuff - though it was Tom who had crossed the line. Frankly, the way he’d spoken to you was almost unforgivable.

You’d both known instantly too, all his anger at you had immediately evaporated when he’d realised what he had said. It took no time for him to become a grovelling apologetic mess, however even that- it was already too late.

It might sound feeble, but honestly, you’d run and locked yourself in the downstairs loo. You’d cried on the inside- whilst from the other side of the door, he had been begging and pleading with you.

After an hour though, Tom finally gave up - hence why you’d had a pretty uncomfortable night on the sofa.

This brings it back to Harrison, the early riser of the house, barrelling into the living room after his morning run. All bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, except also slightly terrified looking as he stood awkwardly in the doorway.

“I’m up now” You sighed, dragging yourself into a sitting position on the sofa whilst massaging your crooked neck.

“You er…. you fell asleep watching the TV?” Rolling your eyes, you sighed at the blonde, even if his poor acting was a little entertaining.

“Are we both pretending that you don’t know what went down last night?” Of course, Harrison knew. The walls were thin, you’d been screaming and he was Tom’s best friend. No doubt, Tom had immediately gone to him for help and advice last night.

Harrison held his hands up in response, caught in the act, and clicked his tongue. “What he said was bad. You shouldn’t be the one ending up with the sore back.” He wasn’t wrong.

“And yet here I am…” With a sigh you smiled which he returned with a sickeningly empathetic one “Anyway, don’t let my sad self get in the way, did you come in here for anything?”

Now, because Harrison was mentally a five year old, that’s how you ended up sat crossed-legged on the floor, clutching a wii remote and angrily shouting at yoshi on the mariokart screen. The whole household was competitive as hell and you were no exception - so some rouge elbows were flying when he viciously knocked you off the track.

Slowly Harry and Tuwaine filtered in and picked up remotes too, so the quiet morning was very quickly switched into a tense atmosphere of yelps and shouts. None more so than Tuwaine, who was possibly the worst looser you had ever met.

Really, you knew all the boys were only doing this as there way of showing you they were with you. That they also thought Tom was a massive raging dickhead. And you appreciated it more than they would ever know. Locked down in Toms house, very much not mutual ground, having three stupid boys behind you meant everything.

Just as you got on to the 18th and final race of the house’s mario grand prix, another voice cut across the tense silence as you waited for the coutdown to turn into ‘go’. Naturally, you flipped round to see Tom, looking as though he literally just rolled out of bed with puffy eyes and messy hair and no top. The sight made your heart flutter, to the point you had to consciously check yourself - refusing to smile softly at him like you usually would, instead narrowing your eyebrows and looking back at the TV.

Tom had so desperately hoped that when he came down this morning, everything would be better. That all it’d take would be a quiet conversation for the two of you to make up - for him to have you in his arms again. Primarily as he had heard your excited laugh echoing through the halls in reactions to Tuwaines yelps of protests - it made him hopeful. Waking up to a cold and empty bed was almost soul-crushing this morning. He did not want it to ever happen again.

Which is why his heart sank so much when all you gave him was a scolding look, before turning your attention to the TV. Admittedly, he was naive to think that what he’d done last night would be an easy fix - he knew it too. So with dropping shoulders, Tom silently took a seat on the sofa, watching from afar. You spent the rest of the race more absent, not joining in with the Harrison or Harrys trash-talking, acutely aware of Tom’s eyes burning the back of your head.

Then came Harry’s celebrations as the overall winner (only just) and when Harrison suggested another game Tom piped up again.

“Give me a turn Harry.”

The three boys kneeling next to you all stiffened, looking immediately to you for what seemed like consent - as if they were engaging with the enemy. (At least it was good to know everyone was on your side).

“I’m gonna go prepare for my meeting anyway.” You spoke quietly, already placing the remote on the floor and standing up.

“Y/n I don’t mind swappin-“

“No. Thanks, H but no.” You weren’t being selfless and giving Tom a turn. You were running away from seeing him.

And Harrison was still really angry at Tom. He’d been so selfish and insensitive and had hurt you- someone who Haz also cared a lot about too. Yes Tom was his bestmate, that he’d grown up with and known for years - but Haz really liked you too, in fact all the boys did. So they were almost as pissed with Tom as you were.

So while you threw the cushion you were sat on back on the floor, Harrison shot Tom the filthiest look and practically shooed him away.

“come on Y/n … just one more? Then you can do your boring work.” You were about to refuse when Haz tilted his head toward the door, only then noticing that Tom had slipped out the room. Now that he was gone ,yes, just one more wouldn’t hurt. The meeting prep wasn’t time pressured; it was an excuse for an escape.

Tuwaine whooped a little when you nodded, planting back down and ready for the first race. Yet apart from that, the room was still a little awkward, you being the first to break the silence.

“Actually Haz, would you mind giving me a lift today?”

“What to the shops?

“Um no not quite.” Tuwaine laughed in his usual innocent and infectious style before asking more.

“Seriously? You know we’re locked down? Boris won’t be happy if you going mad and leaving the house.”

“Just to Y/f/n’s. She lives on her own so it’s legal.”

“She lives just down the road right? Can’t you walk?” Harry was confused, making him look away from the screen, ultimately leading to his ‘diddykong’ falling off the track.

“I’ll have my bags. I um… I think I’m going to stay with her till lockdown eases more.”

As soon as you said that, Harry pressed pause on the race, all three boys looking at you mouth-opened.

“For real?”

“Yeh I um… think me and Tom need some time apart and being locked in isn’t helping.”

“I’m not saying to forgive and forget what he said… but he is really sorry.”

“The twats literally kicking himself.” Tuwaine added, making you smile a little for calling Tom that.

“I know just… I need some space and-“

“Are you breaking up?” Harry almost announced, cutting you off. He would miss you too.

“No! Nono I … well I don’t know. I just- we both need this.”

The boys all nodded, looking at the floor for a moment before Harrison’s blue eyes were back on you.

“Course I’ll drive, but… but I’ll miss you.”

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

You’d left merely an hour later, whilst Tom was holed up in the garden doing what looked like an almost unbearable work out. It meant he was also out your hair and you could throw all your stuff into two suitcases without him being any the wiser. It was probably pretty cowardly to leave without speaking to him, but you couldn’t. It would hurt too much and you didn’t want to break down in front of him. No doubt as soon as you had got to Y/f/n you did - into a blubbering mess of tears - but Tom hadn’t seen so it was okay.

Speaking of. Tom.

Tom was not in a good way at all. He’d been trying really hard to curb his’ short fuse’ lately- all of which had been well and truly blown in the past 4 hours. After finally being realised from meetings, which he’d not been able to concentrate on anyway, Tom had mentally prepared himself for a lot of grovelling. Once he’d vaguely hunted the house and not found you there, he naturally asked Harry and Tuwaine (both of whom were in the living room) if they’d seen you around.

It was a typical question, the answer he was expecting was that you’d just gone on your daily walk. And yet the response he got was… well a lot more confusing. Harry’s eyes widened whilst T did his awkward-uncomfortable chuckle, the two locked in an intense bout of eye contact. It was as though they were arguing with each, but through the powers of telekinesis... and it put Tom on edge. He was already stressed because you were so angry with him, so not getting a clear answer out of his brother and best mate - lets just say it tested his patience.

“You two need to tell me what the hell is going on right now.”

The two boys both looked panicked to speak to him, which was the opposite of the usual situation. They were some of the ONLY people in his life that would just say it how it is, no sugar coating. Like if he was away and being ‘famous’ was getting to his head; or if he wore the wrong pair of jeans. Even yesterday evenings events, they’d both called him out on what he’d said to you.

So why the silence?

Eventually, it was Harry who spoke up, but in doing so, practically just waved all responsibility on to another innocent party.

“Ask Haz.”

And then Tom knew. He knew this was bad. Immediately his heart was pumping at an alarmingly fast rate, taking the stairs two at a time and not bothering to knock before bursting the door open.

“Where’s Y/n?”

Harrison was reclined back on his haphazardly made bed, laptop balanced on his lap as he looked up with a sigh. He’d known this conversation was coming, but it didn’t make it any less easy. With a sigh, Haz closed the lid of his MacBook and sat up on the bed.

“Tom just-“

“Where. Is. She.”

“She’s gone to Y/f/n’s.”

“Oh… okay.” Suddenly Tom’s voice was muted, thinking he might’ve blown his top at nothing. This wasn’t weird - Y/f/n was in your support bubble and you went to hers often.

Tom was grossly underestimating the situation - and Harrison heard didn’t fancy stringing him along though.

“No like gone. She um… she took all her stuff. I think she’s going to stay there till-“

Tom was already out his room at that point, slamming the door as he did so. Making a beeline for his own room, Tom then frantically started to pull out the draws and rummage around the shelves, confirming what he already knew. Your clothes were gone, your toothbrush and toiletries were gone, you were gone.

It’s important to note Tom didn’t really cry all that much. Or if he did - it was more inconsequential, at a sad movie or one of the rescue dog stories from battersea. Actually, when it came down to it, he didn’t really cry.

Now though, it was impossible to ignore the burning of his eyes, as he sank down onto the bed that now felt twice the size. With ragged breath, he repeatedly fisted his eyes, not actually letting the tears fall - but it was impossible to not acknowledge their presence. Harrison stood wordlessly at the door frame, knowing it best not to interrupt - whilst at the same time knowing Tom shouldn’t be left alone. There was a delicate balance between the two, which he was walking on a knife-edge on right now.

After a short while, Tom looked up with red eyes and nodded at Harrison, effectively granting him entrance. With a sigh once again, Haz moved and sat next to Tom on the bed, clasping his hands together nervously.

“She said you both just needed a break from each other. Think lockdown and everything was just a bit too intense.” Haz had tried to explain, yet it seemed Tom had only managed to lock onto one of the first words.

“A break? Or breaking up?”

“I uhm… she didn’t explicitly say ending things. But I just… I don’t know to be honest mate.”

“You see the way she looked at me this morning? Like she hated me. Wouldn’t even acknowledge that I was there.”

“I don’t know what to say… she needs time and space I think.” Tom was silent for a beat, shaking his head as he cradled his forehead.

“I hate the fact you and my girlfriend are on better terms than I am.” Anddd his voice was back to scathing.

“I’m not on anyones side. But your both my friends and she… she needed some time.”

With that, Harrison made a quick exit out, getting Harry to take over the Tom supervision.

Ever since the atmosphere in the house had been tense. To say Tom was highly strung was an understatement, particularly towards Harrison. Deep down he was thankful Haz was looking out for Y/n: he was glad that Haz was checking she was okay. It’s not like Tom could, because Y/n was refusing to answer his calls, texts, whatsapps, even the slip of paper he’d slipped under Y/f/n’s door in the middle of an especially dark night.

So it was good to know Y/n was okay, but the fact she was going on socially distanced walks with the rest of his housemates was rubbing salt in the wound.

After a week and a half of complete radio silence on your end Tom had utterly worn down. He didn’t have the emotional capacity to be angry anymore, he was just tired. Tired of missing you with every breath, tired of the ten-tonne weight of guilt pressing on his chest, fucking exhausted with being angry at Haz and Harry and Tuwaine.

The best thing in his life and one of the very limited opportunities was quality time with the people he loved more than anything else. He had ruined it all.

And it was the small things. It was waking up to your soft, whispered voice in the morning; it was your infectious giggle when he surprised you with a hug from behind and gentle kisses to your neck; it was your quiet singing in the shower. Especially when he knew Haz, Harry and Tuwaine were all still seeing you and laughing with you. It hurt like hell.

Which is how he ended up hesitantly knocking on Harrison’s bedroom door at half eleven at night, with his tail between his legs. Having been so uber-healthy all lockdown, Haz was already in bed following his sleep cycle, though for Tom right now- he would be awake.

“I’m um… I’m sorry I’ve been a knob. There’s no excuse of anything I’ve just… I’ve been a knob.”

“You’re not wrong.” Harrison nodded in agreement with a sly smile, motioning for Tom to come into the room, after which he perched on the edge of the bed.

“I just… I need to speak to her but I… I don’t want to push her if she’s still hurting and I…”

“You absolutely promise not to blow your fuse? Because she couldn’t handle that.” Tom’s eyes widened, thinking this would be a much harder pitch than how it seemed to be going.

“Yesyesyes i- I promise. I just, I feel broken you know? Even if all I get is the time to say sorry, I-I really need to.”

Harrison released a deep breath, nodding slowly before throwing the covers off himself. Tom watched all his movements with a curious gaze, silently sitting as Haz pulled on a hoodie, then socks too.

“Well? Let’s go.”

//////////////////

Now, what Tom had not in the slightest bit been prepared for was this to happen tonight. Really, he hadn’t even thought Harrison would agree to let him talk to you… and even if he had, Tom not in hell thought it’d be at 11:30 that evening.

His heart was thundering in his chest, trying to hurriedly script how on earth he was going to apologise meaningfully to you - as him and Haz walked the short distance to your friends house. Honestly the whole situation was peculiar to Tom - finding it hard to believe that if you weren’t to answer his texts you wouldn’t be open to an in person conversation.

What Tom didn’t know, was how you’d been texting Haz at a similar point of desperation. You weren’t happy and even given everything Tom had said and acted - you missed your boy. No matter how infuriating he could be when trapped 24/7 - you’d quickly learnt this was the only way you wanted to spend these weird times.

So yes, Tom’s best friend knew you were hardly sleeping either, but needed that little push to interact with you boyfriend. No doubt, you’d still be awake to answer the door.

Once he’d arrived at the apartment block and walked up the stairs to the right floor, it still took some prodding and pushing from Harrison to get Tom to knock on the door. Plainly, because he was shitting himself. Haz hadn’t given him enough pre warning, enough time to work it all out in his head. So it took another encouraging nod from Harrison for him to knock on the slightly rough-round-the-edges flat door.

Y/f/n was single and young, starting her career in Kingston - so the flat she could afford was modest at best. When it was just occupied by a single person, that was manageable - two was a push. You’d only been living with her for a week and a few days but it was enough to know this flat was not ideal for two people in lockdown. You were already stepping on each others toes. It also wasn’t technically legal to move households but Y/f/n had always been in your support bubble as a single household otherwise. And so there was also a layer of guilt to it all.

Naturally then, sharing a bed with someone who wasn’t Tom meant you just were not sleeping. Even if you had both gone to bed early (just to kill some hours in the day) you were still wide awake at quarter to twelve - when a timid knock echoed through the minuscule apartment. Curiosity peaked at who the hell would be calling now; you silently slipped out of bed, managing to not disturb Y/f/n, and closed the bedroom door.

Now you weren’t an idiot. Even though this was southwest london, hardly the capital for crime, Y/f/n lived in a dodgy building with some questionable characters. And it was midnight. Hence why you approached the situation cautiously, tiptoeing to the door and waiting with your ear pressed against the wood.

“I told you she wouldn’t answer!”

“She will! Might just be in the loo or something.”

“Haz this is stupid-“

The air in your chest froze when you immediately recognised the smooth tone of his voice. It was him… and you’d missed that so much. Already there were tears in your eyes and you couldn’t open the door just yet. So no, instead you slid down the doorframe before calling quietly out into the night.

“Tom?”

The bickering on the otherside of the door was silenced, but you heard a quite tap on the door... and could envision exactly what was going on. Tom, pressing both palms and his ear to the door, as Harrison took a few steps back - sensing his work was done.

“Y/n? You there?” He sounded desperate, you could hear the emotion dripping off his voice. It was only when you tried to reply did you realise your own voice was having a harder time speaking.

“Yeh its-its me.” It felt as though this heavyweight that had been pressing down on your chest was slowly lifting, making your voice all cracky and low.

In response, there was a short and sharp exhale. It sounded relieved before some fidgeting as you imagined him crouching down beside the door - mirroring your image.

“Fuck, it… it feels so good to hear your voice.”

“Yours too… I’ve-i’ve missed you.”

Tom snorted at that, a gentle bang allowing you to realise he’d just whacked his head on the back of the wood.

“You have no idea how this week felt.” He was wrong though, you did.

Yes, maybe without the insurmountable guilt that Tom was rightfully feeling, but it didn’t mean that the time apart wasn’t easy.

“I do. This hasn’t been a nice holiday for me you know?”

He sighed, knowing that yet again he’d said the wrong thing. This time though, he didn’t rebut instantly (which surprised you), instead his response was more measured and calculated.

“I am so sorry. And of course, I know because I was the one that hurt you too. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for that.” You nodded but given this conversation was happening through a door Tom didn’t see your gentle agreement - opting to fill the silence.

“I um… I’m not good at this whole um… speaking my feelings. But I’ve hated myself ever since I picked that fight with you. It was stupid and uh it-it was all my fault. I’m so so sorry for hurting you.”

“‘Why?” You tried to ask, except the words were stuck in your throat, making you have to clear it before asking again. “Why did you say it?”

“To get a rise out of you. It’s stupid and petty and fucking-fucking dumb. I said it not because I’ve ever thought it, I never ever have, but I knew it’d hurt you. I was preying on your insecurities because I was angry at the world and that was so unfair. “

“No shit.”

Silence reigned as you fiddled with your fingers - specifically with the promise ring he’d bought you a year ago.

“You-you think you could ever forgive me?”

“Thats the annoying part. I want to hate you because you literally stabbed me then twisted the knife but… but all I’ve done this week is miss you. Even when I saw Haz or Harry or Tuwaine. I just fucking missed you.”

“Can you open the door please love?”

Clumsily you scrubbed the tear tracks off your face, scrabbling to your feet so you could thrust open the doors. Because you might still be bloody pissed at him, but at the same time - you needed your Tom. Thrusting the door open, the first thing you registered was being pressed into Tom’s chest. His arms slinked around your waist and held him tight, which you reciprocated, squeezing tightly round his neck. Your senses were all being assaulted by one thing and one thing only. Tom.

He smelt like usual, except maybe the slightest bit stronger than usual - you figured he hadn’t showered in a day or two or bothered with cologne. The top of your forehead was pressed up against his chin, and as he readjusted his grip on you, you felt the scratchy feeling of his unshaven stubble. He kept whispering apologies against the top of your head, almost desperate and religiously.

Arching back, you brought both hands to cup his cheeks, looking into his glassy brown. eyes, which looked so lost and confused.

“I’m still angry.”

“Of course-“

“I’m still angry but I’m going to kiss you okay?”

Safe to say Tom didn’t require a verbal response, taking it upon himself to nudge his lips against yours, yet waiting for you to initiate the kiss. And that you did, everything else about this godforsaken week and a half. His index finger traced the angle of your jaw, whilst he held your lower back tight, pressing himself as close as physically possible to you. Needing you.

Eventually arching back, your thumb ran over his deep and sunken under-eyes, which added so much age to his face.

“You look tired Tommy.”

“Can’t sleep without you telling me goodnight.” That was another tradition you had had. Even when he was away, you’d even set an alarm for whatever bedtime was for the other across the world. Just so you could send a little message or voice not saying goodnight. Was it cringey? Yes. Did either of you care? No.

But since you’d been away all the evening wishes were absent from you. Which hurt Tom more than you may ever know.

“I know you’re still angry but will you please come home to me? I need you to be the last thing I hear at night and the first thing in the morning.”

would love to hear any feedback <333 (but think this is a bit of a shitter so im sorry!!!)

tagging: @lovehollandy12 @pandaxnienke @thegirlwiththeimpala @msmimimerton @hollandfanficlove @hollandlover19 @hunnybunimdun @crossyourpeter @thefernandasantana@hallecarey1

#tom holland x you #tom holland angst #tom holland x y/n #tomholland #tom holland x reader #tom holland fluff #harry holland

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mossybee-exe · 3 years

Text

Parental Figure|Aizawa x Child! Reader PART 2

A/N:Yep I made it into a series. I'm not sorry.

Sum:You are gonna spend Christmas break at your dad's house which both you and Aizawa aren't fond of. And he can't help but worry about you the whole time you're there.

Part One

"So~ what is everyone doing for the holidays??" Mina asks the group excitedly.

Christmas Break was coming up which everyone was pretty excited about! The class recently had a very stressful written and quirk related test today so this break would be perfect to unwind for!

Everyone was excited! Except for you that is. You still can't forget what the social worker told you a week ago.

"But why do I have to go to my dad's house?? I'm doing fine where I am!" You try to reason with the lady who sat at the desk with a pretty fake looking "sympathetic" look.

"Well, your mother has once again been struggling with he mental health and everything, and recent reports have stated that your father has been doing much better! So we think it would be good for you if you spent some time at his house. Just for the break." The lady explained.

"Can't I stay somewhere else? Like a friend's house?" You try to suggest but the lady shakes her head.

"I'm sorry but what's done is done. You'll be spending Christmas Break with your father."

To be honest you weren't expecting your father to have changed! You were sure it was just a facade to the social workers.

"My family and I always go visit our cousins and stay there til the day after Christmas. My little cousins are so cute, ribbit!" Asui comments.

"My family usually goes to check out the beautiful Christmas lights at Tokyo Plaza!" Uraraka adds.

"My father calls everyone we practically know and have a BIG Christmas party." Momo explains.

Everyone was now blowing up about what they'd be doing, all of these fun things! While you sat quietly. You wanted to stay here and spend the break with Aizawa! Eating the delicious Christmas Eve dinner while Sushi purred on your lap.

"What about you Y/N?" Mina asks looking over at you, getting your attention. You see, no one in the class knows about your home life. They know your parents are divorced but didn't think it was anything serious.

"Oh, uh.. just spending it at my dad's house." You reply, trying to sound happy. "Cool!" Mina says before going back to talking with the others, having you sigh of relief.

You just wanted to stay here though.

"You're going to your dad's house for the break?" Aizawa repeats to make sure he heard that correctly. You were on the front porch of the dorms talking to him about it. You just explained everything the lady told you.

"Yeah.."

"Are you sure that's okay?" He asks concerned.

"Well the social worker lady said so! I can't do anything about it now.." you explain.

Aizawa sighs and pats you on the head.

"Just stay safe kid."

The sound of the car horn is heard from inside your apartment. You were gathering your last minute things and your small backpack with the essentials like your phone charger, toothbrush and toothpaste, etc.

"Alright go on Y/N." Your mother mutters unenthusiastically as she opened the apartment door for you. "Bye mom." You reply quickly before going down the steps, making sure not to slip while mother closes the door.

You walk over to the beat up pick up truck before climbing into the passenger seat, slamming the very squeaky door shut. You look over to see your father looked a little different.

You realized he started shaving more, he started dressing up in more than just a dirty white tank top and beige shorts. He also didn't reek of alcohol and cigarettes anymore! I mean, the faint smell still seems to linger but it was very faint.

You quickly avoid his gaze as he looks over at you from the side and you look out the window. "Alright let's get this over with.." He mutters as he starts the car back up and starts driving away back on to the main road. Finally the damp, weird stained car started to heat up against the winter chill as he starts driving to the place of his house.

Apparently it's in some small neighborhood in Osaka, almost a 2 hour drive to there from Mustafu.

So you and your father drive in silence while Christmas music played quietly from he radio.

"Honestly I don't get how you have lasted this long living with your mother. From what I could see she's in the exact same state she was when we left each other." Your father suddenly comments keeping his eyes on the roads so he doesn't go slipping from the ice.

You look over at him. "I just fend for myself.." You mutter back a reply and look back out your window as the sun had already set behind the mountains, swallowing Japan up in winter dusk as street lamps and bright neon store signs light up, despite it only being 5:30 PM.

"Honestly though. Can't even a useless woman like that take care of her own child?? At least I'm been trying to turn around!" Your father says, starting to go on a rant about your mother.

All you could do was sit and listen. You were too scared to say anything. It's always like this. I want to be with Mr. Aizawa right now! With his delicious home cooked food.

"Here we are." Your father says pulling up into his driveway that led to a small but decent enough house. Loud barking gets your attention and you look over at the front lawn to see a German Shepherd chained up next to a dog house with a food and water bowl.

"Did you get a dog?" You ask sitting up straighter. Your father never seemed to be the kind to get a pet. "Yeah that's Sparky. But he's chained up right now so he won't bite." Your father replies as he gets out of the car.

A small smile tugged to your face as you thought of the name. Sparky! Like what Bakugou calls Denki! You think to yourself as you grabbed your bag and climbed out of the car as well, shutting the door behind you.

Sparky started barking louder now but you just quickly follow your father inside. You walk in and see only a Christmas tree up, half decorated in the living room. "Your bedroom is the guest bedroom up stairs and to the right." Your father tells you as he walked into the kitchen, turning on the light.

You head up, turning on the hall light and into the guest bedroom, turning that light on too. At the very least everything was clean and the best felt pretty comfortable. It was just empty with plain white walls but you didn't mind.

It could be worse. You thought to yourself as you placed your bag at the foot of your bed.

"Y/N! DINNER!" You hear your father yell from downstairs. You flinched. You still didn't like hearing his yelling, but at least it was just to tell you something. You headed downstairs and into the kitchen where the table was.

"I don't really cook much so I just got some microwave dinners." He tells you as he placed down heated up steak and rice balls on to the plate before sitting down at the table. You sit down too and start eating in silence.

It's always so much more happy and exciting at Mr. Aizawa's house! We actually talk and he's nice.

After dinner, your father just watched TV while you sat next to him on your phone. Suddenly though your father gets mad at the people on TV and he starts yelling angrily at it.

That's triggers you and you quickly head upstairs into your room, closing the door and climb on to your bed, curling up.

You began to hyperventilate and cry silently, feeling like you can't breathe at all. You begin to panic, making your panic attack worse.

But luckily, your mind cleared enough for you to remember something that happened before you left school today.

You were the last one packing up your stuff in the classroom to head home when Aizawa walks up to you. "Hey kid."

You look over as he handed you a slip of paper.

"In case you need something or someone to talk to, here's my number.

You manage to grab your phone and very shakily press Aizawa's name, having it ring. You press it to your ear when eventually Aizawa picks up.

Aizawa:Hey kid, need something?

You:M... M-mr.. a-aizawa..

Aizawa:Y/N what's wrong?? Do you need me to come get you?

You:N-no... P.. panic attack.." Is all you can mutter.

Aizawa:Okay, don't worry kid. Put me on speaker phone. I'll help you.

You nod and do so.

Aizawa starts helping you calm down over the phone. It takes a while but eventually you calm down.

You:T-thank you.. sorry for wasting your time..

Aizawa: Don't worry. I don't mind. Can you tell me what happened though? Did your father hurt you?

You:No. He just got mad at the TV and started yelling at it. Just triggered me is all..

Aizawa:Alright then.. just be safe kid.

You:I will I promise.

You then say goodbye and hang up. You sigh and just snuggle up closer in your bed, closing your eyes.

Let me go home...

#mha #bnha #mha reader insert #mha aizawa #bnha aizawa #mha aizawa platonic #mha aizawa x reader platonic #mha aizawa shota #bnha aizawa x reader #aizawa platonic #platonic

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haikyuuuuuhypeeeee · 3 years

Text

Ch. Twenty Three

⚠WARNING: Mentions of mental health treatment

• ────── ✾ ────── •

You look up from your phone, glancing at your companions. Kita is resting his head on Aran’s shoulder, his eyes closed. Aran also has his eyes closed. From a quick glance it looks like they’re sleeping but they’re both sitting far too tense. Suna is sitting in his chair, awake. He’s scrolling on his phone but his eyes have a glazed-over look.

Needless to say, you’re all quite worn out.

Your phone pings and you look at the new messages.

You stand from your seat and walk over to Kita and Aran. They stir immediately, giving away the fact that they weren’t asleep at all.

“My friends are going to stop by with dinner,” you say. “They’re bringing enough for us all, including the Miyas. But I’m not sure if they’ll be down.”

Aran blinks in surprise but Kita stands to dip into a bow. “That is very generous of them, thank you. I have some money that I would like to use to pay.”

“Oh, that’s not necessary!” You wave your hands in front of you. “Please, it will be our treat.” Kita looks like he wants to interrupt so you speak again with a smile. “Please, you are all visitors. It would not be very hospitable for me, so I insist.”

This time Kita is the one who blinks at you. He doesn’t reply right away, so Aran leans around him and gives you a smile. “Thank you, Y/N. I’m sure Kita won’t want to object to your hospitality.”

“No, not at all.” Kita murmurs. But he gives you a small smile before bowing his head again and sitting down. You nod and go back to your seat. Suna still has his eyes on his phone but you hear a small mumble from the side after you sit.

“Thanks.”

You glance at him and nod. Your group falls into a lapse of silence, which again gives your brain ample time to wonder. You can’t stop thinking about Osamu, and hoping that he’s okay. Sure he’s physically okay, especially here in the hospital. But you have no idea what a psychiatric watch entails. Is he alone? Does someone have to sit with him and watch him? Does he have to be restrained?

That idea alone makes your heart throb, and you clench your fists to stop the onslaught of negative thoughts. But it doesn’t stop the image of Osamu sitting alone, tied to the bed and looking petrified.

You physically shake your head. There’s no way he’s alone. His parents went up there ages ago. His mother was not about to leave him alone if she could help it. She was in tears when she met you, clearly relieved at the idea of Osamu having a friend in Sendai. She must have been so worried about him, and so scared that he’d never see him again.

It makes your heart ache for your own parents, but you know it’s just noticeable from being close to this situation. You miss your parents, sure, but you talk to them nearly every other day. You visit them and they visit you. Your relationship is fostered with constant communication and check-ins.

You can only imagine how distant and helpless Osamu’s mother has felt these past few weeks without any contact from Osamu. And how powerless she must have felt when realizing that she couldn’t reach out to him in any way.

Part of it breaks your heart, for both Osamu and for his mother. But another part of you is grateful that you were able to be some support for Osamu when he was truly alone here in Sendai.

“Y/N-chan,” a voice calls out. You turn and see Oikawa, Mattsun and Makki head towards you, all laden with plastic bags filled with food. Makki looks worried, Mattsun stoic, but Oikawa glances around the lobby. You watch him offload his bags to Mattsun before he makes for the reception desk. There, several nurses and staff are glaring at your group - you hope that Oikawa can run interference and make them not hate you enough to kick you out.

“Hey guys,” you greet and stand when Makki and Mattsun get closer. Makki sets his bags down on a chair and immediately pulls you into his arms.

“How are you doing?” He asks.

“I’m okay, just exhausted.” You pull away and turn to Kita, Aran and Suna. “This is one of my best friends Hanamaki Takahiro, and that’s his boyfriend Mattsukawa Issei.” Mattsun looks up from where he’s organizing the take out on a small end table and nods.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Makki says. “I hope our dear Y/N-chan hasn’t been too much trouble for you.”

You elbow Makki for his quip, not missing his smirk. It’s not a full Makki smirk but it’s the start of one.

“On the contrary Y/N has been more than helpful.” Kita says politely. “My name is Kita Shinsuke. This is Aran Ojiro and Suna Rintarou.” Aran waves his hand in greeting while Suna just nods. Kita bows towards Makki. “Thank you for bringing dinner, it is very appreciated.”

“But of course!” Oikawa saunters over and sets down a stack of plates and cutlery. His schmoozing of the hospital staff must have gone better than you thought. “And I am Y/N-chan’s best friend - Oikawa Tooru.”

“Yeah, we met you yesterday.” Aran points out, as if Oikawa genuinely forgot and is not re-introducing himself for attention.

“It’s kind of hard to forget someone like you.” Suna says quietly. Oikawa glows at that, but you’re almost certain Suna meant it as an insult. Before you can say anything Mattsun speaks.

“The food is going to get cold, so let’s eat.”

Everyone murmurs thanks and fills up their plates. There’s plenty to feed them all, plus the Miyas, and give them enough leftovers. Everyone sits down in the chairs and digs in.

You know you should eat but you can’t bring yourself to do anything more than push the food around your plate. Suna, sitting next to you, is in a similar state. Both of your actions don’t go unnoticed by Oikawa.

“Y/N-chan, Stringbean - you need to eat.” He chides.

“Stringbean?” Suna asks flatly.

“Tell me I’m wrong.” Oikawa smiles sweetly, the challenge going unanswered when Suna looks back at his plate.

“Suna-kun, please try to have some food.” Kita’s gentle request carries the cadence of an order, and Suna is quick to comply. You glance at Kita, who gives you a nod. “You too, YN.”

You nod and turn back to your food. You twirl your fork in some noodles and take a bite. Looking back up you see both Oikawa and Kita smiling at you.

It’s quiet for a few more minutes, where you’re able to get some more food in you, when Kita speaks up.

“I just want to thank you all again for bringing dinner. Especially today, I understand that it is a more difficult day than others.” Kita pauses, his face turning somber. “And it goes without saying, but I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Wait, how do you know about that?” Mattsun asks.

“Oikawa informed me of the date last night.” Kita answers.

“Oh.” Mattsun answers. He pokes at his food. “We’re sorry for your loss also.”

Kita nods. “Thank you.” It’s quiet again after that, both groups of friends finishing the food on their plates.

You find it a bit surreal that all the people surrounding you now are similar yet so different. And how crazy your paths have become intertwined purely by chance.

You don’t get much time to ruminate on this thought for long before Osamu’s parents come down into the lobby. You all watch as they walk towards your group, Kita and Aran standing to meet them.

Osamu’s mother holds up her hands. “Osamu is going to be alright.” She looks exhausted but there’s a light in her eyes that wasn’t there before. “His fever broke but they’re going to keep him overnight so he can rest.”

Your group lets out a collective sigh and you feel your heart lighten at the news.

But she’s not done talking. “We spoke with the doctor and she called in a psychiatrist and they recommended that Osamu should stay at an in-patient facility here in Sendai for a month. If his doctors are happy with his progress and he’s happy with his progress, he’ll move back home for out-patient therapy.”

Suna speaks up. “He’s coming home?”

The mom nods with a smile. “Yes, he’s coming home.”

Suna exhales sharply and falls further into his seat. He covers his face with his hands and breathes hard. You can see his shoulders shaking minutely, and watch as Aran ducks down to put an arm around his shoulders. Kita steps up to give Osamu’s mother a hug. He’s speaking to her softly but you can’t make out what he’s saying.

You feel someone come up next to you. “Are you alright?”

You glance and see Oikawa watching Kita and Osamu’s mom hug. You take a second to gauge how you’re actually feeling right now, given everything that has happened to you today.

“I’m relieved,” you answer honestly. “Osamu is okay and he’s going to be okay. But also, I’m proud that he’s taking the necessary steps to help himself.”

“Yeah, but,” Oikawa starts. “He’s going to move away from Sendai. And Hyogo is pretty far…”

He trails off and he gives you a sad look. It takes you a second but when you realize what he’s implying your face hardens.

“Osamu is getting the help he needs, and I’d be a terrible friend if I was anything but supportive of that.”

“I know, I know.” Oikawa quickly replies. “I wasn’t trying to make it seem like you didn’t care about him.”

You smile, feeling the previous irritation melt away. “Thanks Tooru.” You pull your friend into a side hug, and let him squeeze you back. You understand what he was trying to say, but you stand by your words - your feelings are the least important thing right now.

“Y/N?” Osamu’s mom comes up to you and Oikawa. Behind her you see Osamu’s dad being introduced to Mattsun and Makki while getting served food from Aran. But you’re focused on the woman standing in front of you now. “Osamu said he wanted to talk to you, if you wanted.”

You blink in surprise. “What?”

“Visiting hours have ended but the doctors have made a special exception for you - I can take you up to his room but you’ll only be able to talk for 15 minutes.”

“Oh.” You can’t really say more, still completely thrown by what’s happening. Osamu wants to see you, apparently bad enough to warrant special permission.

But what you’re really focusing on is that Osamu wants to see you. That last time you and Osamu were in the same room he was delirious with a fever, and the time before that he was drunk and angry with you.

You’re pretty certain that he’s more coherent now than either previous time, but you’re still caught off guard with his request.

But you’d be lying if you said you didn’t want to see him too.

“Okay,” you finally answer. “But I can go up by myself, if you want to sit and get some food.”

The woman blinks before she gives you a smile. It’s so similar to Osamu’s that it makes your heart skip a beat. “I can see why Osamu wants to see you, you’re so sweet.” Your face burns with your blush but Osamu’s mother doesn’t comment on it. “He’s in room 3D - if you run into anyone you can tell them Dr. Yamada gave you permission.”

You nod at her instructions. She gives you another smile and gently pats your shoulder before leaving you to grab food with her husband.

“Will you be okay?” Oikawa asks you quietly.

You don’t hesitate to answer. “Yes, I’ll be fine.” You smile and step away. “I’ll be back soon.”

“Good luck,” Oikawa calls as you walk away. You look over your shoulder and nod, before turning back to the elevators and making your way to the third floor.

• ────── ✾ ────── •

A/N: The story is wrapping up quite quickly! Quicker than I want! (Not that I'm upset about the direction we're going in!) Looks like the reader has a (much needed) conversation with Osamu coming up - fingers crossed it goes better than their last conversation!

Can't believe it but the final chapter and epilogue will be posted on Friday! Thank you all so much for reading the story so far, I truly cannot put into words how amazing you all are. I read every single comment and see every single kudo and it makes me so happy and grateful. 💖

Taglist Open! Please send an Ask with the request to be added to It’s [Not] Okay Fic & SMAU (bold cannot be tagged): @psycho-nightrose @camcam1617 @kamalymaly @toobsessedsstuff @shookykookie30 @roro-707 @qualitygiantshoepsychic @cerealfrdinner797 @ara-mitsue @gray-444 @tanakasimpcorner @rintarovibes @jellien @everytimeswift @bongofrito @babucrow @beidouluvr @kozuken-ma @imarriedachef @badkarma-a @reina-de-tay @meianshugoswife @creepykawass

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hongjoongtrasher · 3 years

Text

ATEEZ: When they say something to hurt you. pt.2 !

OMG I didn't expect part 1 to have so much reactions ! I'm happy to see this

The rest of the boys coming up in this part. Maybe there will be a final part for a happy ending or not ?

Comment if you want to see a final part !

Yunho:

Usually Yunho was a softie, a huge giant softie, and you'd never argue with him. He was someone who was bottling his feelings up whenever he felt annoyed or angry. And for relieving his stress he would always be absorbed by his dance practice. Sometimes you'd crash to the practice room to spend some time to see your boyfriend since it was hard to see him on regular basis. But today, Yunho needed to be alone, or rather with his members. Things were tough here with the tight competition for Kingdom. They were utterly exhausted and yet they were determined to win, so Yunho was. You knocked at the door before entering with late snacks and drinks for the boys, who were still dancing hard for their next stage. You patiently wait for them to finish their round before clapping excitedly. "That was amazing !!" you said excitedly while the boys came to greet you and thanking you for the snacks, except Yunho who still was in front of the mirror, monitoring each little moves of him. You came behind him to jump on his back, thinking he would smile and holds you as he always did but this time her rolled his eyes and rejected you. "Y/N, can't you see I'm doing something important right now ?" he raised his tone, visibly angry. "But...Yunho, I think you need a-" he brushed your answer with the back of his hand. "We don't have time and yet you're here annoying the goddamn thing" he groaned. You looked defeated, and didn't answer as you turned away from your boyfriend to take your jacket and wished good luck to the boys quickly, enough for them not to notice the tears which were streaming down your cheeks.

(this little shit I swear) Wooyoung always have been a honest guy, maybe a bit harsh in his words but most of the time he didn't mean what he was saying, half joking around. You and the boys were used to it even if sometimes he was really annoying. As for their first win on Kingdom, you decided to bake a cake by yourself. Probably not a good idea would say Wooyoung because you weren't a good cook, but you tried your best, to the point you tried three times before actually doing the right cake which was perfect to you. After some organization, you finally were done with the said cake and put some decoration and a congratulations on it. You came at the dorm and Seonghwa opened the door for you. "Congratulations !!!" you almost yelled while you entered in the dorm, catching everyone's attention. You were so proud of them. "I made a cake for celebrating !" you said, proud of yourself. You heard a laugh, it was your boyfriend's. "Oh no...Babe did you really ?" he asked in a tone that displeased you immediately. You frowned and said. "Yes...I thought it would be a good idea". The room went silent where the rest of the boys were probably very embarrassed so you were. "Babe, you know you can't cook, so the fact you made a cake can't be a good idea either". How dare he ?? Yes you weren't a good cook but he just badmouthed your hard work even without tasting it first. It made you very disappointed in him and as an answer you sighed and just turned your back on everyone to leave the dorm, not sure anymore about this celebration. You could heard the other yell at Wooyoung, saying how rude you've been on you.

(I swear I miss this boy so much-) Mingi was a fluff ball, a softie even if his goofy side made him look awkward a lot. But it was a side of him you liked a lot about him. You knew how hard it was for him to stay at home and mainly doing nothing, but his mental health was priority first, that's why you stayed by his side most of the time, even if you were also taken by your own work. And one day, Mingi said he was ready to come back, and so his members and fans were waiting for him. You're so happy for him that you started to make sure he was really ready from his clothes to his personal items, as a mom getting his child prepared for his first day of school which surprisingly stressed Mingi to the point he just stopped you and said "Hey Y/N, I guess I can handle it for tomorrow" he tried to say it gently but you didn't hear it this way. "But we-" "Y/N, I'm a grown up boy, I do know more about my own needs than you, so please, just go. I don't need you now." (wait is this even mean ?-) You felt hurt by his words, but at the same time he was right. You couldn't be there all the time right ? And you needed to let him more room so you just nodded and left him alone this night can't helping but feeling hurt by this.

Jongho:

It was a sunny day where your boyfriend and you enjoyed a stroll by the nearby park of his dorm for the first time in a while; He was an idole so you knew there were few moments you could grab together. As you were walking hands in hands, and talking about his next schedules, he stopped when he heard his name from not far away. "Jongho ! Is that you ?" A pretty girl approached as both of you turned to see who it was. You didn't know her at all but Jongho seemed so. "Oh??? Mina ?" You stopped and looked at your boyfriend with insistance. Mina ? Like his ex girlfriend ?? No way. You didn't want to appear as the bad one so you greeted her as they began chatting, not paying attention to you at all during the speech. You held yourself from interrupting them but got relieved once her phone rang and she made a sign she had to leave. There was an awkward silence between you two, so you cleared your throat. "She was your ex ?" "Mh...Yes." He didn't look annoyed by this, he even looked happy to have run into her. This made you angry. "Maybe you should have gone with her" you mumbled between your lips. "Hey Y/N what are you saying ?" You sighed and let his hand away. "I don't know ? Mina looked more interesting than me so I thought maybe it was better for you to chat with her more" you grunted, being in a bad faith. Jongho scoffed and said rudely. "I'd rather date her again than a childish girl like you" You were shocked by his answer while he just turned away to leave you here, angry at your behaviour.

#ateez imagine #ateez reaction #8 makes 1 team #ateez angst #kim hongjoong #park seonghwa #jung yunho #song Mingi #choi jongho #choi san #jung wooyoung #Kang yeosang

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deepperplexity · 4 years

Text

Black Clouds

Title: Black Clouds

Request: Hi! I just wanna start off by saying i love you’re writing ❤️ I was wondering if you could write a snape x fem reader where the reader is thinking about committing suicide because she feels like she's not worthy of living and she believes that he could have someone better and Sev notice that something is wrong and uses legilimency to find out the issue because she doesn't want to open up with anyone and he's shocked by what he sees and tries to help her. I'm sorry if that's too specific and if you don't feel like writing it, don't worry ❤️

A/N: First of all, before I say anything about this request, I want to tell EVERYONE who feels suicidal to find and ask for help. YOU ARE NOT UNWORTHY OF LIFE. This request hits home for me and I was deliberating if I should write this or not as it’s such a sensitive subject for me personally. But, that’s actually all the more reason to write it. Suicide is a hush-hush subject in society when it really should not be - this is something we ALL need to talk about and we ALL need to make sure that everyone feels safe enough to ask for help. And, as you all know by now, I am all for writing about sensitive/taboo subjects that need to be addressed more.

Secondly, if you are suicidal or harm yourself in any way - THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE LESS WORTHY. You are worth all happiness, help, support and care in the world - you have a place in this world and it is ever-changing. What is today may be different tomorrow, what happened yesterday may impact what happens the day after tomorrow. There is always a new dawn to meet and a new sunset to cherish. If you are reading this, you are alive and fighting - go you! Like, seriously, it is fucking hard to be alive in this world but you are doing it! You are fighting, even on bad days, you are fighting and winning! Thank you for being here, thank you for staying with us, thank you for gracing the world with your presence and life! ❤️

As I mentioned this hits home and I will do my best to do this request justice as it is so damn important. I do want to mention this is fiction and I do not personally stand behind all the things that characters do even if I write it. Characters have their own will and sometimes that overrules my will as a writer (also, sometimes it’s just needed to get a good story). To intrude in one’s mind is not something I find to be a good thing - but as my loyal readers already know its a thing I use often because its fun to write and Severus just wants to bloody do it all the time; that man as no sense of privacy boundaries when it comes to others, let me tell you… So just keep this in mind whenever you read fiction - just because someone wrote it does not mean it is something they stand behind or condone. If that were the case the world would be way more bonkers - just think of all the murders and rape and war and devilry stuff authors write about O.O

+A/N: I was writing with a female reader in mind but as I edited this I noticed nothing actually states that it is a female so the reader is GN - I hope Nonny doesn’t mind.

Pairing: Snape x Reader

Setting: Post Second War, Spring 2003, Your home at Rosewood Hill

Word count: 3540

Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, Angst, (Age Difference), Fluff, Mental Health, PTSD, Anxiety, Emotional Rollercoaster, Kissing...

Prologue:

You, like many others who had survived the horrible battle at Hogwarts in 1998, suffered from a series of illnesses. Survivors guilt, depression, anxiety, panic attacks and lately the thoughts had begun to overwhelm you. Collectively one could call it severe PTSD but to simply group all the different emotions and disorders like that simplified it a bit too much. Some parts were PTSD, of course, but some things had haunted you long before the battle. Like your struggle with self-worth, your anxiety and the intrusive thoughts that popped up more often than not. The fact that you had been mere 19 years old when you fought for life, justice and all things good probably made the experience even harder to handle.

Fortunately for you, something good had come from the war. Love. Your previous professor, Severus Snape, had been severely injured - actually, he had been at death's doorstep - but pulled through after several months of care where you as a nurse partook in his recovery daily. He made a full recovery under yours and others care and once he was free to leave the hospital he had asked you out on a date. You had accepted happily and then everything just sort of happened. You fell in love, got married, moved to Rosewood Hill and renovated a rundown house together as money was tight - but it all turned out quite good in the end. Well, except the fact that things weren’t good. Not at all…

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You had been unable to sleep in the early hours of the morning. Flashes of memories and the sound of screaming paired with falling bodies kept you company. It had gotten worse since Christmas four months ago. That was when it had snowballed out of control completely. You blinked and sighed before you carefully left the bed, and Severus, behind to get some coffee as you tried to keep the intruding thoughts at bay.

Lately, despite all the love and happiness in your life, you had been feeling less and less worthy. Of life, of Severus, of everything. You did your best to hide how you felt. You smiled, you laughed, you baked and cleaned, did all of your hobbies and made sure Severus wouldn’t see how you were hurting inside. Made sure he wouldn’t notice how tormented you were by the mere fact you were alive.

He had enough to deal with, he was so strong that it nearly brought tears to your eyes. He had been through pure hell. Had struggled and fought with all his might year after year while he was hurting, so deeply. You couldn’t fathom how he did it, how he survived and lived on. How he could stand it all. All the thoughts and emotions. Everything. What you felt simply couldn’t be anything to measure with against what he must have felt for so long. It pained you that your thoughts were so selfish, that you had such pain and hurt inside of you when he had a stronger right to claim such emotions. Weakling, worthless, unuseful piece of garbage...

The coffee burned its way down your throat and you winched slightly. “Careful, love,” the gruff voice of your husband echoed out. It startled you as he always slept late and the sun wasn’t even up yet. You smiled at him as you tried to arrange your face into a happy one. He arched a brow at you and you chirped out a ‘good morning, honey’ to him. He grumbled at you, “no morning is good before nine.” You simply laughed at him as he grabbed a giant mug and poured it full with black coffee.

“Why are you up so early?” He grumbled after a few sips, you shrugged and cradled your own cup of coffee in your hands. “I just couldn’t sleep, figured I’d get a headstart on the day,” you smiled out and he huffed. “You’re mad,” he grumbled and you shrugged again. “Why are you up?” “You left, the bed felt empty.” You smiled at him but couldn’t help the piercing thought that he would sleep better if you weren’t by his side at all.

You snuggled up on the couch with a thick book, something to escape into. Something to cradle and lose yourself in for a few hours as Saturday passed by ever so slowly. You didn’t notice that Severus took up a place right beside you before he placed your legs over his own with gentle movements. He made sure the blanket covered your feet and then held a steady grip around your calves. You glanced up at him from the book with a smile etched to your lips. He arched a brow at you.

“What?” you asked quizzically, his hands squeezed your leg for a moment before you felt his tender fingers stroke back and forth. “That is the question I would like to ask you, love.” You raised your brows ever so slightly before you closed the book. “What do you mean?” “What’s wrong, love?” he asked in a hushed tone and you smiled reassuringly at him. “Nothing’s wrong,” you said, “why would anything be wrong, darling?”

Severus looked at you for a moment before he let out a small breath through his nose. His eyes left yours as he looked down at his hands placed on your legs. They were rough and pale, they were hands that you loved. “Do not lie to me, (y/n). Something is wrong. You are, not yourself anymore. Tell me,” he said gently yet firmly. You smiled wider before you placed your hand on his forearm. “Darling, nothing is wrong, I promise. I’m fine and happy, I have you.”

For a long moment, there was nothing but silence and you felt as if your plastered smile might have failed you at any moment when he finally looked at you. “Love, do not lie, it does not suit you. Just, tell me.” You patted his arm as thoughts raced through your mind, wondering how you could reassure him he did not have to deal with your shit when he probably had so much to deal with from his own thoughts already.

“Darling, come here,” you said and he leaned towards you. You stroked away one side of his black hair and hooked it behind his cute ear before you gently caressed his cheek and kissed his lips tenderly. I will not fail you, was the one thought that spun through your mind over and over as you tasted him. “Everything is great,” you whispered as you broke the kiss, “I’ll go make some tea for us. You seem a bit tense.” He nodded at you but there was sadness in his eyes that you could not ignore even if you stood and walked out to the kitchen.

Your hands were shaking as you poured water into the kettle. The cups rattled as you placed them on saucers. Your breathing faltered over and over as you tried to calm your heart. Too close, too close, too close, you thought as you placed tea bags in the cups. I need to do better, he can’t see, I can’t worry him. He’s got too much of his own stuff to deal with, I can’t be a burden to him. I don’t want to burden him anymore…

A small, glinting tear rolled down your cheek as you bit your lip to keep a sob at bay just as the kettle screamed. The water swirled as you poured it, stained by the tea in a gentle pattern before it all gained the same deep colour and you felt as if you yourself had been stained a deeper, darker colour throughout the depths of your heart.

You had avoided him a tad after the tea. You busied yourself with laundry, cleaning, changing sheets on the bed and dusting. Not until evening came and Severus had set the table with a divinely smelling dinner were you forced to be still and in close proximity to him. Now, some might have thought this was just because you didn’t want him to notice it all, see it all, know it all. But no, no that was not the reason you had avoided him. At least not completely.

You wanted to tell him, talk to him, get help. Or something along those lines. At the same time, you felt shame, pain and an array of doubt as to how he would react but also regarding your infliction of pain through verbally admitting what you felt to the one you loved so deeply. The storm inside you that was black clouds of endless dust that howled about your insignificant worth made you feel horrible in every way. Yet, the one thing you did not want was to hurt him. Drag him into the storm. Pain him with your selfish thoughts when you knew, knew what he had been through - for years .

I have no right. No right to feel like this. I should be happy. Should be grateful. I’m alive, I have a home, a man who loves me and the world is safe again. I know I should feel all these things. Should be filled with love and joy. He survived, we found each other. Yet, he is just so damn much and I’m just, not worthy of any of it...

“(Y/n), talk to me,” he said all of a sudden as he put down his cutlery. You lifted your head, allowed your eyes to meet his and tugged your lips up into a smile. “Darling, I don’t understand what you’re going on about. I’m fine, everything is good. I’m good.” “You are not good!” The sudden change of his tone startled you for a second. His gaze was intense and penetrating. As if he looked through you. You gasped as you felt his intrusion in your mind and you had no chance of blocking him out.

He saw everything. Every little thing that you had desperately tried to hide from him. The hurt, the doubt, the horrors of your mind that filled your days with anxiety and sorrow. He slithered through your mind with such power and speed you barely had a chance at breathing as your mind raced with thoughts you had wanted to hide. But, it is as they say. If someone says ‘do not think of an elephant’, what do you think of? An elephant. And that elephant was all of your fears combined with all of the pain.

His eyes watered and you stood with such speed that the chair toppled. “Severus-” you breathed out with a mixture of emotions that were nothing but bad. Your lip quivered as tears rolled down your cheeks before you dashed out of the kitchen and ran towards the bathroom. You closed and locked the door a mere second before he pulled at the handle. “(Y/n). Open the door,” he said with a slight shake to his voice. But you simply curled up in the tub and hugged your legs, your knees against your forehead as tears wet your clothes and skin.

He banged at the door, twice, and you shivered. He saw it, he saw it, he’ll hate me, he’ll be furious with me. I have no right to feel this, I’m not worthy of, anything… The fear of him feeling such things towards you made you nauseous and afraid. “Please, love, open the door. Let me in,” he said through the wood that separated you. But you didn’t move. Then a click was heard and he had used the unlocking spell to let himself in. You hugged your knees tighter. Buried your head with more force as you tried to stop the sobbing that wanted to crawl its way out of your mouth from the depths of your chest.

You felt his hand on your back as you heard the ruffling of fabric as he lowered himself beside the tub. “Love, please,” he whispered and pain was evident in his voice. You curled up further, as much as you could. I hurt him. I hurt him just like everyone else has done. You’d be better off without me, I know you would. I’m such a fucking coward, why haven’t I just- just- just ended it?! I’m not worthy of breathing the same air as you. I should have died. I should have died with the others. Someone else should have lived, I should have died in that war. “Love, don’t.”

It was too late when you felt his presence in your mind as your dark thoughts buried you in such cold depths you barely registered that he lifted you out of the tub. His arms wrapped beneath and around you. His thin lips pressed themselves against your head and you let go of the clawing sob. It escaped through your quivering lips and Severus tensed.

“Love, you are my everything. My whole world. You, are the very reason that I am living. You are-” “Unworthy of your love,” you breathed out in a hushed whisper. To say the words out loud felt as if someone drove a piping hot branding iron down your throat. “It is I who is unworthy of you ,” he whispered against the top of your head as he sunk to the floor and cradled you, “I should have seen, noticed, I should have been there for you like you have always been for me. I am so sorry, love.”

Had this been one of those stupid romance novels I would have been all smiles and happy by now. To hear you say that. I would have been cured of these feelings. But apparently, life is not like that… The thoughts and feelings you had had for so long had not lessened in any way. Had not disappeared just because of his adoring words. They were as strong as ever. But now, now there was also the pain of having hurt him and made him feel unworthy or lesser. It was agony and you had no way to deal with it other than to cry.

Darkness had fallen long before you finally stopped crying. Everything in your body ached and you knew Severus was stiff and sore from the odd position on the hard floor, with you in his lap. “I am so sorry, love,” he whispered for the umpteenth time. “I’m tired,” you whispered back as your mind kept spinning with all the things you had tried to bury. To hide. Things from before the war and after the war. Life, death, loss and gain. “Let’s get you to bed,” he simply said and the thunder in his voice felt subdued. A mere distant rumble and it made you feel strange.

He rose with you in his arms, carefully cradled as if you would break with any hasty motion. You felt the stiffness in his movements, yet he didn’t say a word about it. He simply carried you through the hallway and placed you on the bed with gentleness. You turned and laid on your side as your mind echoed the words ‘insignificant, worthless, unbearable’ over and over and over as Severus pulled the cover up over you. “I’m so sorry, love,” he whispered before he kissed your head, “I will help you, in any way I can. Please don’t, don’t leave me...”

The room was silent after those words and a moment later you heard him take a shuddering breath before he left. You were alone. In that moment, something desperate clawed in you. A fearful thought crossed your mind and pain travelled through your veins as if they were freezing with an ice-cold breath. He’ll leave me now, he’ll see that I’m not worth anything. That, that he is better off without me. Strangely enough, that scared you. Even if it had been the very epicentre of your dark thoughts and agonizing pain lately it was different now. He knew now. Perhaps it was the end and all you had feared was actually true? That you meant nothing, was worth nothing. Nothing at all.

You shivered, turned to lay on your back and grabbed the cover to take it off but at that moment the door opened. You turned your head only to see a broken man in the doorway. His eyes glinted with unshed tears and his shoulders slumped. He looked nothing like your Severus. Nothing at all like the powerful and strong man you had fallen for.

“I will never leave you. I love you, (y/n).” You looked at him as the words vibrated through you in a low tone. “I would have been dead if it were not for you,” he continued and the words elicited a gasp from you. You could not even fathom the idea of a world without Severus. Such a place couldn’t even exist in your wildest fantasies. He was everything. “A world without you, would be worthless and empty. You are everything to me and I want to keep you forever, here, with me. No matter how selfish that may be, I need you with me. Or I shall perish.”

Your heart fluttered with a need for his love as his words landed somewhere in the darkest parts of your mind. The parts where screams and falling bodies lingered. The part where dark clouds of dust swirled with sorrow and pain. The part where no dawning light had shined for years. There his words landed, settled. A small crack in the clouds allowed a single ray of sunshine to come through as gentle words of thankfulness for all who had survived could be heard, even if they were muffled by distant memory and buried beneath all the bad things.

You removed the cover and sat up slowly. As your feet touched the carpet something jolted in you. You ran towards him, slammed your body into his so harshly that he took a staggering step back as his arms wrapped themselves around you with such haste you were nearly surprised. “Please, love, please. Stay and go through this with me. Together,” he breathed out and you nodded as new tears leaked from your eyes. “I will-, will try…” It was the only kind of thing you could say as you clung to that tiny sliver of light in the depths of the darkness. That tiny little ray of warmth that was your beloved and his love for you.

Epilogue:

It had been nearly six months. For six months he had guarded you, tended to you, helped you through the pain and anxiety attacks too many times to count. He had cred, you had cried and several times it felt hopeless. As if nothing would ever change the darkness that clung to you on the inside, in the depths of your mind.

But he had encouraged you, supported you, helped you in all ways possible. Even on days when you wanted to run away from it all and give up, he made sure you could see light and feel warmth. He had confided in you as well. His fear of losing you, his pain in seeing you turn into someone he did not know, the anguish of not knowing and not being able to help. The horror that had raked through him each time you had shut him out with lies of how great and good everything was. His fear that he was not enough for you, that he was not what you wanted.

But now, after months of hard work, tears, open communication and desperate attempts at surviving through it all you felt lighter. The dark clouds of dust were nearly gone as light bathed most of your inner self; a warmth spread like the gentle breeze of a summer night. It was thanks to him, to your beloved, and your own hard work. Your own strength and determination to not yield and succumb to the darkness. Even on days when it was most tempting to escape it all swiftly.

You had fought. Struggled. Won battle after battle. Some battles were lost but the war was being won, one fight at a time. You did that. You fought on and conquered the pain, the sorrow and despair. The abysmal voice that echoed horrendous words of unworthiness and shame had nearly been silenced and replaced with a growling noise of power and love. His voice, his sound, it saved you time and time again as you allowed love to actually unfold and be a part of your life. As you allowed yourself to be alive even if you were not always sure you should be.

You did not give those thoughts more than a swift glance as they passed by in your mind. They were not worthy of your emotional investment. They were false and wrong. You would not succumb to them no matter what as you had finally found your will to live accompanied by a need to do so happily - despite everything your mind had whispered, you were worthy. You just needed help to break free of the darkness and see yourself for the worthy person that you would always be. No matter what, you would always be worthy of life.

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A/N: I want to say thank you to the Nonny who sent this request and I want to yet again remind everyone that you are worthy of all good things and being suicidal or harming yourself does not take that away! If you are harming yourself or have suicidal thoughts, find and ask for help! You are worth it, worthy of help and of life! Thank you for being here with us. ❤️

Taglist: @lizlil @snapefiction @darkthought15 @monstreviolet @flowerdementia @marvelschriss @simpforsnape @once-upon-an-imagine @ravennight41 @morphineisouthoney @setsuna-meiou31 @meteoritewolf69 @bionic-otp @elizabeth-baelish

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[Feb:2021]

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deascheck · 3 years

Text

Sam Winchester's Love

Summary: You are in a relationship with Sam Winchester. You don’t feel deserving of his love as your depression causes you to sink into a deep rut. Sam does some research about depression and responds to your lapse in happiness with a gentle approach that ends with him showing you just how much he loves you.

Word Count: 2906

Warnings: talk of depression and suicide/death, angst, and all the fluff with some smut added in there.

A/N: First- I’ve never written smut before. So be nice! Second, I struggle with depression and anxiety, and wanted to write a fic that expresses what would help me (or hopefully anyone struggling as well) feel appreciated when I’m low. I bolded symptoms of depression to help people see what it feels like to have depression. These are not the only symptoms. If you identify with one or more of the symptoms, I encourage you to reach out to someone and start a conversation. It could be a complete stranger or a loved one. (I'm always a listening ear, too!) Whatever you’re most comfortable with. All “Google results” are from my own google search. The crisis text line is a real resource for you to use, if you find yourself in a mental health crisis.

Also tagging a couple people who might like to read. Sorry if that's overstepping! @winchester09 @that-one-gay-girl @supernatural-harrypotter7 @winchest09

The one good thing about living in a bunker was that there were no windows. Your room that you shared with Sam Winchester was no different. It meant no morning sun could wake you up, and you could keep the room as dark and cool as you wanted to. And on this particular morning, your depression had you keeping the room as dark as you possibly could.

You knew the boys would be wondering where you were, since it was 10:30, and you were always up by 8:00. But you couldn’t bring yourself to care. You couldn’t move, you couldn’t get dressed, brush your teeth or hair, or even get your legs swung over the edge of the bed. You were so emotionless that you couldn’t even cry. You simply didn’t care. Nothing felt important to you. You had no motivation to do anything except lie there in the gloom, curled around yourself, stuck in this dark rut.

You had no idea how much time had passed while you stayed there, motionless, until Sam came in, knocking softly as he opened the door. Your eyes glanced over to him and you could see the surprise and concern on his face at discovering your lack of activity.

“Y/N? Love, what are you still doing in bed? It’s 2:00 in the afternoon.”

You sighed. “I don’t care,” you said softly. “Nothing matters to me right now. I wish I would die. Then I wouldn’t be a burden to anyone anymore. No one would miss me.”

Sam knew you struggled with depression, but in the short time you’d been together, he had yet to see a truly deep depressive episode. It scared him, and he replied, “What? Y/N, I would miss you! You’re scaring me.”

You moved your head marginally to be able to look at him for real, and asked, “Would you let me be? I just need to be alone.” Your tone was expressionless, and it freaked Sam out.

He nodded and slowly and quietly closed the door. Once the door was latched firmly, Sam beelined for his laptop. He’d be damned if he was going to let you suffer alone and in silence.

Opening his computer, he typed in “symptoms of depression”. Among the results were, “fatigue, sleeping too much or too little, feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness, loss of interest in activities that once brought pleasure, appetite loss, feelings of sadness, loneliness, or ‘empty’ feelings, thoughts of suicide or death”. His eyes widened. You met every single one of those criteria for identifying depression.

Determined to help, he next googled “how to help someone with depression”. The answers ranged from helping the loved one cope, to opening a conversation with the loved one and getting them to talk about their feelings. Asking questions such as “What caused you to start feeling like this? How can I help you right now?” Stating things like, “You’re important to me. Your life is important to me,” or “You’re not alone, I’m here for you.”

One resource he found as he researched fervently was the crisis text line. It was a number (741-741) someone could text and speak to a certified individual about whatever their crisis was. Sam noted that in the back of his mind as something to bring up to you.

Sam nodded as he read. He knew he could do all these things. His biggest goal for you was for you to feel supported and loved. Seeing you in the state you were in concerned him and it had almost sent him in a tailspin of worry. But he would remain strong for you. You needed Sam to lean on if you were going to get up to see the light.

Sam noticed Dean wander in and motioned him over.

“Hey, I gotta talk to you about Y/N. She’s in a really bad depressive episode. She said she wanted to die.” Sam’s heart rate sped up with fear just saying those words. He swallowed and continued. “I’ve been looking up depression online and I think I know how to help her. But I could use your help.”

Dean quickly responded, “So that’s why she’s still in your room. Of course. What do you need?”

Sam answered, “I’m going to have a conversation with her and see if I can’t convince her to get out of bed. Actually, once we finish talking, I’m going to carry her out if she won’t walk. But I want to give her some ideas of simple things we could do as a group that would help her snap back to us.”

Dean nodded in agreement. “I think you’re on the right track. I dated a girl for like, a week, years ago who had depression, and getting outside really helped her she said. Maybe we could go on a walk with her down to the lake. Or hell, even loop around the bunker’s perimeter a few times.”

“That’s a good idea. I was also thinking something easier, like a movie night squished between us - something to show her she’s loved and not alone. Or maybe making dinner with us, so that she’s up and about but doesn’t really have to do much.” Sam ran his hand through his hair as he thought out loud.

Dean grinned. “Oh we’d show her she’s loved. She’s like my sister. She’s not going anywhere.”

His grin faded. “Hey, what if we took her on an easy hunt? Tried to get her back in the swing of things? Maybe it would distract her from the depression.”

Sam shook his head thoughtfully. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. She said she wanted to die, which makes me think that she might do something stupid on the hunt, like try to get killed. Or even just make a stupid mistake because her head isn’t in the game. No, I don’t think a hunt is the right option for her right now.”

“Of course. Duh. I should have known that,” Dean rolled his eyes in exasperation at his cluelessness. ‘I wouldn’t want to put Y/N in danger.”

Sam sighed. “Well, we’ve got some ideas. Let me go talk to her and see what I can get her to do. We’ll be out in a bit one way or another.”

Dean nodded and headed to the kitchen to grab a bite and some coffee before doing his own research on your debilitating ailment.

----

You still hadn’t moved since Sam had come into the room. Your mind felt empty, like everything had been drained from it. You just lay there quietly, waiting for nothing.

The door opened slowly, and Sam silently came in, shutting the door behind him. He didn’t say a word, just got in the bed with you and wrapped you up in his arms to hold you close. Your back against his chest, he tried to shelter you with his body, as if he could protect you from the dark thoughts. Sam wanted you to feel his love first before he tried to say anything. The two of you stayed like that for several minutes, the only sound in the room was the sound of two humans breathing softly. You hadn’t even known, but his touch was what you’d been needing. You soaked in the moment, grateful Sam was giving you space before speaking.

“Y/N?” Sam kissed the nook between your shoulder and your neck. “I want you to know you’re not alone. I’m here for you every step of the way.”

You didn’t respond, but it created the first semblance of emotion you’d felt all day. You could feel your eyes start to well up, not understanding how he knew exactly what to say to you.

“I don’t know what triggered your episode, but I think it would help if you talked it through with someone. It doesn’t even have to be me. You could text the crisis help line, and speak to someone through that. What do you think about that?” You could hear the hesitation in Sam’s voice, as though if he spoke too loudly or firmly he’d break you.

Sighing once again, you summoned the motivation to speak. “If I talk to anyone, I’d like it to be you.”

You could feel the smile on his lips as he again kissed you.

You drew in a shaky breath and decided to describe to him how you were feeling. You told him in a whisper about how you had no motivation, no gumption to do anything. How you felt worthless and unlovable. You told him how you felt he’d be better off if you just died so you weren’t a burden anymore and how you couldn’t bring yourself to care about anything today. As you spoke of your symptoms and feelings, you could feel a couple warm tears dripping into the crook of your neck and shoulder.

Once you finished, you felt Sam take a couple steadying breaths, clearly attempting to get himself together. “My love, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If I could take this all away I would. But I’m here. I can share the weight of your burden. You mean the world to me. You are the farthest thing from a burden on me. You are the shining light in my life, guiding me and loving me. You have given me a reason to fight on. You are what I hold on to in my dark moments.” Here Sam paused, unsure whether he was overwhelming you or even getting through to you.

You turned in his arms so that your chest was facing his, your arms pressed against his chest as you brought your head to tuck under his. “Sam, I can’t tell you how much that helped me,” you said softly.

Sam took that as a cue and gently unwrapped one of his arms from your back and brought your head up to his. Tenderly, he pressed his lips to yours, sending you the message “I love you”. You allowed yourself to respond, capturing his lips with yours. Your kiss was sending the message, “Thank you.”

The two of you kissed delicately for a minute before your body began to respond. You pressed your mouth more firmly against his and adjusted your body to press closer against Sam’s. You brought one hand up and began to run it through Sam’s hair, something you knew he was crazy for. As the kiss began to become more passionate, you grabbed Sam’s hair at the roots and gently pulled, letting him know it was ok to take this a step further. He moaned a little against your mouth at the feeling of his hair being tugged on and involuntarily ground his hips into yours.

You automatically responded by thrusting your hips back against his. Sam broke the kiss long enough to look at you with an unspoken question in his eyes. You nodded, understanding his desire to show you just how much he loved you. Sam rolled you onto your back before resuming the kiss, running his tongue along your bottom lip, lazily requesting access to your mouth. You granted it, and began to explore his mouth with your own as if it were your first kiss. You could feel Sam slowly grinding against you, not rushing, but clearly feeling the need for some friction. His erection was bumping against your abdomen, and both of your breathing began to get shorter and heavier.

Not breaking the kiss, Sam lifted himself up on one arm and began pulling your nightshirt over your head. You allowed your lips to leave his only long enough to get the shirt out of the way and immediately brought your mouth to Sam’s again. His free hand roamed across your stomach, tracing lines in circles and random shapes as he made his way up to your breasts. Your breathing hitching, you moaned into the kiss as he began to massage your breast, pinching your hardened nipple. Your hips began to grind back against Sam’s, now also needing friction. Your arousal was beginning to pool between your legs, and you weren’t wearing panties.

Sam began to move his kisses down your jawline and to your neck, where he sucked through his teeth, determined to leave his mark on you. You cocked your neck to the side to allow him full access but he was already moving lower, taking your nipple in his mouth and swirling his tongue around it, sucking on it. He pulled off it with a pop, and moved to the next one. Sam then continued to work his way down your body, kissing every inch of your stomach, navel, and down to your inner thighs. You shuddered, his lips so close to your slick folds. Sam smiled against your leg. “You like that, sweetheart?” All you could do was whimper in response as you ground your hips desperately. “Ok,” he murmured. “Ok, love. Let me show you how much I love you.”

Sam ran his tongue between your folds and immediately you felt the tightness in your core begin. He knew every sensitive spot, every place to make you writhe in ecstasy. He sucked on your clit and slowly stuck a finger in your hole. You threw your head back, eager for him to insert another, which he obliged. He bent them and ran them against your walls, curling and pumping. Your juices squelched a bit, letting Sam know just how ready for him you were. He continued to run his tongue in swirls around your clit and through your folds as he finger fucked you. The tightness in your core becoming unbearable, you could feel your release coming. You moaned loudly and stuttered, “S-Sam, I’m gon-gonna…”

“Cum for me baby. Come on, that’s it. Good girl,” he praised as your orgasm exploded, pleasure coursing through your body, your pussy clenching around his fingers over and over again as he rode you through it.

You lay limp against the sheets, unable to form words. Sam looked up at you and chuckled. He slowly brought himself up along your body to recapture your lips with his, putting all his love and passion into the kiss. “Now do you know how much I love you?” he asked. You smirked. You could feel his erection pressed between your bodies. You wanted to feel him deep inside you, filling you, satisfying you. “Mmm I’m beginning to,” you murmured. “I might need you to show me more.” Sam smirked back at you and said, “As you wish, my love.”

He lined himself up at your entrance, rubbing his cock in your juices. Slowly, he pushed in, letting you adjust as he went. That was one thing you loved about him. Sam never rushed your body. He worshipped it. Once he was fully sheathed, he pulled halfway out, and slowly thrust back in, creating a slow, lazy pace that made you two feel like you had all the time in the world. As he thrust, he grabbed one of your legs, and put it over his shoulder, giving him a new angle, to get him deeper.

You moaned and your pussy clenched around his cock as he hit places that gave you waves of pleasure. He groaned as you clenched around him and sped up his pace, his balls slapping against your skin. Sam took his free hand and started rubbing your clit again, trying to help you get to your climax. His other hand held your hip in place as his pace picked up even more, almost becoming erratic as he got close to his release. You threw your head back again as you felt the familiar tightness building in your core. “Oh don’t stop. Oh Sam. Oh my god. Don’t .. don’t… ahhh!!” You came loudly and harder than last time, your back arching and your pussy milking Sam’s cock for all it was worth. Sam grunted - he couldn’t handle it, the tightness, the pulsing - and released inside you, jerking his hips, spurts of cum coating your walls.

Sam gently pulled out of you, his cum dripping from between your legs. He got up and grabbed a towel from the closet and quietly cleaned you up, careful to not be too rough. You lay there in heaven, a stupid smile on your face, unsure if you’d even be able to walk the next day. Sam crawled back into bed with you and gathered you in his arms. He pressed a soft kiss to your temple and said, “Do you believe me now? How much I love you?”

You smiled adoringly at him and whispered, “Yes, I do.”

Sam grinned. “Good. Because we have an activity outside the room that we’re going to do. And you need to be clothed for it.” He winked at you cheekily. “Dean and I were talking, and we brainstormed something the three of us could do that would help you feel less alone. So, let’s get UP,” he rolled you on top of him and then over him to get you to the side of the bed. “And dressed, and then we’ll go meet Dean.”

You smiled again at him, and good-naturedly shook your head as you got dressed. The darkness was gone for now. You knew it would be back, but you had ammunition to combat it the next time it came a-knocking. Sam Winchester’s love.

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