#she's in her early 40s and has 3 children

[howtobeamagicalgirl]

🫢

[halfagone]

Is it Canon or Fanon?

A little over a week ago, I received a very thought-provoking ask that wondered whether the Fenton parents could be considered good parents after everything they've done throughout the show. I did leave a response to that ask, and you can find the original answer here. But even afterwards, it had me thinking:

Why did we start depicting Jack and Maddie as Bad Parents to begin with?

I aim to answer this question through canon evidence to see where this argument might have come from. Now, something to keep in mind is that we still tend to ignore canon a lot of the time, so there may be some people who won't take this meta to mean all that much anyways. But for the purpose of fanfiction, we have to acknowledge that there needs to be an in-universe explanation to these events and sadly, the 'it's a Butch Hartman show' or 'it's an early 2000s cartoon' excuses don't really cut it.

So let's start with some basic stats. There are 49 episodes to the Danny Phantom cartoon (we will not be using the Graphic Novel, A Glitch in Time, for examples); 20 for the first season, 17 for the second, and 12 for the third. If you looked this up on Google, you might notice that these numbers don't line up with the episode list provided. This is because I counted any two-part episodes as one for convenience's sake. Season 2 has three two-parters: "Reign Storm", "The Ultimate Enemy", and "Reality Trip". Season 3 has "Phantom Planet".

Jack appears for 43 of those episodes, although he does not have any speaking lines in the episode, "Frightmare". Maddie, on the other hand, appears in 40 episodes. The three episodes that Maddie does not appear in, but Jack does, are as follows: "Memory Blank", "Flirting With Disaster", and "Double Cross My Heart".

Let's Start with Season 1:

"Mystery Meat": Jack is shown as dismissive to Danny and his friends' preferences, telling them, "True, I've never seen a ghost, but when I do, I'll be prepared. And so will you, whether you want to be or not." Later on, when Sam and Tucker are visibly shaking and Danny is panting from exhaustion, he doesn't realize something is off about this. When Jazz offers to drive Danny to school, the Fenton parents quickly assume that she's a ghost and go off to track them down... even despite her previous argument that she was mentally an adult (should I be concerned that Jazz called Danny an 'abused, unwanted wretch' to make a point to their parents?) A POINT TO MADDIE, she worried about hurting Jazz if she really wasn't a ghost but Jack quickly dismisses that, as their ghost-hunting device only hurts when gets into human hair (spoiler alert, it gets into Jazz's hair). She also insists that Danny is not a ghost, but unfortunately she ultimately doesn't try to stop Jack when he insist Jazz is a ghost. Standing aside and letting abuse play out does not mean Maddie is innocent of hurting her daughter too.

"Fanning the Flames": When Jazz and Danny are struggling to study for an upcoming test, Jack decides that they should put their kids into the 'Fenton Stockades' which is basically an iron maiden. And yes, the Fentons have an entire floor that is meant to torture people. I feel like that should probably be addressed at some point. A POINT TO MADDIE, she stood her ground and refused to let him put their children inside, and even locks him inside instead.

"Teacher of the Year": After hearing displeasing news about the state of Danny's grades in a parent-teacher conference, Maddie lectures Danny by saying, "Get this straight Danny. You're a Fenton. Fentons get As. Or in your father's case, B minuses." Before this, when Danny tried to explain himself, Jack shuts him up with, "Now that's enough of your sass talk mister." Do a lot of parents act like this? Yes. Does that make this a good, conductive way to help your child improve their grades? No, it does not. In fact, Maddie's response in particular probably reinforces the idea that Danny doesn't fit in with the rest of his family and further proves that Jazz is the favorite child. Not a great parenting moment.

"Fright Knight": In this episode, Jack tells Danny, "If I didn't consider it a sign of weakness, I'd weep with joy!" Not a very promising sign when a parent tells their child that it's wrong to show emotion. It's especially telling, however, when it's crying from joy and not even sadness. Yikes.

"13": This is the episode where Jazz 'dates' Johnny briefly, and we see Danny stalking them on their dates. I've seen people give Danny a decent amount of flack for that as well, so this would be a good time to say that the Fenton parents were there too and even encouraged him to keep stalking his sister. Danny was wrong to ignore Jazz's privacy like that, but he definitely learned it somewhere.

"Public Enemies": Here we see more of the Fenton parents' aggression towards ghosts. We get a line from Jack: "I'm gonna tear that ghost kid apart into a million different-" Notice something here? He recognizes that Phantom is a ghost 'kid' and yet still fully intends to shoot at him with the intent to hurt if not straight-up kill him. The only time Maddie disagrees with him is to insist that she does the dirty work because she has better aim than him. These are not the type of people you should let children stay with.

"Maternal Instincts": Okay, I gotta say it, this is a really cute episode. We get to see Maddie reminiscing over how close she and Danny used to be and wishing they had that bond again. Unfortunately she does get some points docked off for deciding what they should do as a bonding activity instesd of asking what Danny wanted to do and maybe learning more about his interests and who he is as a person now that he's a teenager. But there is this really sweet moment where Maddie tells Danny 'I love you' at the campsite which absolutely melted my heart and then later on when she saves Danny from the ghosts, Danny tells her she's awesome and gives her a hug. So sweet. But then she kinda ruins it by asking her son to act as a distraction and- Please do not ask your teenage children to keep skeevy old guys 'entertained' when you know he's a creep. A POINT TO JACK, while all this is going on he's defending his daughter and even shouts, "Back off, she's a minor!" That's some Dr. Doofenshmirtz energy right there, I respect it. He also talks about making Jazz an action figure, which was a really cute moment amidst the chaos.

"The Million Dollar Ghost": This episode is filled with some great Danny-Jack bonding moments and goes to show how much Danny cares about his father that he's willing to get caught to make Jack feel better about himself. We also get to see how much Jack cares about how Danny views him and he wants to be someone in Danny's eyes. Unfortunately, this is the episode where Danny gets lectured for not doing all his lab chores, such as cleaning the beakers and changing the ecto-filtrator- despite knowing that the portal could blow up if they don't change in time and knowing that Danny is bad at cleaning his own room. And we literally get a scene where Jack knocks something over and tells Danny to clean it up because he was too busy running around to do it himself. Is it important to give children chores? Yes, it teaches them responsibility. You should not be asking them to deal with hazardous, dangerous chemicals that can literally cause an explosion capable of killing people. Something to keep in mind.

Now let's look at Season 2:

"Doctor's Disorders": In this lovely (sarcasm) episode, we have Jack saying to Danny's face: "Poor Jazz. She's always been my favorite." I don't feel like this one needs much more explanation for how horrible this is. Also, this isn't really too relevant to the bad-parent-thing and more to the "they wouldn't take Danny's reveal well under other circumstances" thing, because Maddie literally says to Tucker: "Everybody knows humans can't have ghost powers." Which would technically, probably, dehumanize Danny in their eyes.

"Identity Crisis": There's one line in particular in this episode I wanted to point out, which is from Jack where he says, "Safety features? Why, safety features are for punks." ...I know this is probably supposed to be a joke, but when you think about it, it's even worse than you might think. In fanon we do tend to stress how forgetful the Fentons are when it comes to lab safety, but it's one thing to forget and it's a whole other thing to purposefully dismiss it. I could even argue that we're doing the Fentons a service by characterizing them as simply forgetful.

"The Fenton Menace": This is one of the episodes I referenced in the original ask as well, for its... plethora of concerning material. There are lines such as, "Whether it's air land or sea I won't stop until we capture a ghost and tear it apart. Molecule by molecule." A POINT TO MADDIE, she told her family she loved them by saying, "Nothing like spending quality family time with the people you love." However she immediately loses those points when she and Jack attempt to 'spin the crazy' out of Danny. The episode transcript reveals Danny's reaction to this, which is described by, "Danny screaming, his face and hair flying around. Zoom out to show him strapped to a table, which is attached to a metal arm. Zoom out to show the metal arm connected to a centrifuge-like device on the ceiling." As well as, "Danny is shaking, hair sticking up with bags under his eyes." Is this supposed to be a joke? I wouldn't know because quite frankly, I'm not laughing.

"The Fright Before Christmas": So in this episode we learn why Danny hates Christmas! Which is because he got peed on by a dog. As a baby. What kind of parent lets their baby get peed on by a dog? Again, child neglect is a criminally punishable offense, and if they had left him out, in the cold, with dog piss on him, we could have had a lot bigger problems here. They also ignore both their children for most of this episode due to their arguing, although they go back later on and tell Danny that he shouldn't be alone for Christmas and where was all this concern before?

"Secret Weapons": Ah... This is the episode where it happens. Here we get the infamous interaction. Please note how a ghost is referred to as an 'it'. Not a person, not even a kid. But an 'it' that can feel pain that will go ignored.

Jazz: "Does it hurt the ghost?" Maddie: [laughs] "Oh, Jazz! You know your father and I don't care about that. Jack: "Yeah! If we hear it scream, then we know it's working."

"Micro-Management": At the very end of this episode, Jack makes a comment to Danny, "I'm so proud. Our boy finally has the physical prowess of a 60 year old president. Here's to you son." Clearly it's meant to be a compliment, but I don't know about you guys, but I wouldn't take this as a compliment.

"Masters of All Time": This one takes a more distressing turn, because after Maddie catches Danny for snooping around, she has his strapped down to a table and fires a laser at him to interrogate him, thinking he's a ghost (though the laser doesn't hit him, just threatens him, which... isn't much better). And this is after he's already insisted that he's her son. He is still very clearly a child, and even if she doesn't believe that he's her son (for admittedly understandable reasons, people usually remember when they bear children), the fact that she strapped him to a table at all does not look favorably on her. Especially when he very clearly believed that she was his mother, and he was her son. And she still did this to him. Yes, there were time shenanigans involved, but that doesn't make this any easier on Danny just because he knows the truth.

"Reality Trip": This episode showcases that the Fenton parents can actually be decent parents. While they have a hard time believing the truth at first, they do eventually accept it. However, it is still important to remember that Danny could have never known what their reaction would be, so his fear is understandable and rooted in real concern for his life. Here are some of the best points from this transcript:

Jack: "Imagine, our own son has had ghost powers all this time and has kept them a secret from us. [confused] But we love him! [turning to Maddie] I wonder why he didn't trust us enough to tell us." Jazz: "[sarcastically] Hmm, let me guess. [mimicking Jack] "Hey, Maddie, let's destroy the ghost!" [mimicking Maddie] "No, Jack, let's dissect the ghost." [mimicking Jack again] "I know, let's catch the ghost and rip it apart molecule by molecule!" [normal voice, sarcastic again] You guys are so understanding." [Jack and Maddie drop their gazes, ashamed.]

Moving onto Season 3:

"Eye for an Eye": This is more a passing mention, but Jack seems to be a little obsessed with the GIW and huge fans of their work, and you do see it some more in "Livin' Large" later on in the season as well.

"Girls' Night Out": We see Jack trying to make an effort with Danny in this episode again. I did point out in the original ask reply that Jack was obviously trying to be a good father for Danny, which definitely deserves some points. However, it is still important to point out how generally uninterested Danny was in the bonding activity. It goes back to how Maddie ignored the chance to give Danny a choice, and how dismissive they tend to be towards him. I still want to award Jack a point for looking for advice from 'Father/Son Relationships For Stupids!' but I do so half-heartedly. Their interactions in this episode definitely reek with discomfort, but considering everything that has gone down in between now and "The Million Dollar Ghost", that does make sense.

"Torrent of Terror": This is another instance of extreme lack of safety precautions- the airbags don't deploy? In the GAV??? Somewhere out there, OSHA is crying.

"Forever Phantom": Maddie and Jack show a lot of anti-Phantom rhetoric in this episode. So this tracks how uncomfortable and/or threatened Danny might feel at home. Some examples include:

Jack: "He keeps this up he's liable to make people forget he's nothing but a putrid rancid ball of self-aware protoplasm."

Maddie: "Don't be fooled sweetie. He's up to something. Remember that time he attacked the mayor? Or stole everyone's Christmas presents? Once a filthy ghost always a filthy ghost."

"Livin' Large": Something to remember, the GIW intend to fire a missile into the Ghost Zone after gaining access to the Fentons' portal. While they didn't have the password right away, it cannot be understated that the Fentons basically gave away their house in exchange for wealth. Thankfully the missile was just a fake and not a real weapon of mass destruction, but do not mistake this to mean that- had it been real- the GIW wouldn't have gone through with it. And the Fenton parents would have been just as responsible.

And that concludes our canon research for this argument! Let's wrap things up with some stats. Of the 49 episodes in the show, we have evidence in 21 episodes. That is roughly 43% of the show, and this does not include comments that Danny has made about his parents and how they treat him. Obviously, at the end of the day, human error is possible. There is always a chance that I could have missed another piece of information, or perhaps another thoughtful addition to this list. However, 43% is no laughing matter.

Yes, the Fenton parents had their shining moments, but with all the other evidence presented that overshadows those little gems, can you confidently say that they are good parents? And most of all, if you were in Danny's shoes, would you say the same thing?

It's easy to excuse this as a cartoon. When you're writing in this world, playing with these characters, that excuse instantly evaporates.

Thank you for reading, I hope you all learned something about the Fenton parents like I did.

[lovelybucky1]

Babysitter

Kinktober Day 19- Breeding Kink

au created in part by @fuckmyskywalker 🫶

warnings: trailer trash!anakin, dub con, mentions of housewife kink, mentions of breeding kind, dry humping, no smut, this is bad tbh im sorry, 18+ minors dni

main masterlist

kinktober masterlist

You never minded doing your neighbor Anakin favors. He is a single dad with three adult children and a grandchild, despite his young age. You don't know many people who become grandparents in their 40s, but Anakin's son had gotten a girl pregnant and she left him to take care of the baby.

Anakin's son isn't the best parent. He's still a kid himself but he's been working long hours to make enough money to support his child. During the day when he's at work, you come over to take care of the baby.

They don't pay you much but the baby, Eddie, is the sweetest little boy in the entire world. You work nights at the diner, so spending time at Anakin's trailer during the day is no issue at all, especially when you're so close to your own home.

Anakin's hours at the mechanic's shop change all the time. Sometimes he goes in before sunrise and gets home at 3 pm, and other times he hasn't woken up for the day by the time you get there to watch Eddie.

Today is one of the days he got home early. You were folding laundry on the couch when he walked in, sweaty and grimy from the day. He froze in the doorway when he saw you.

"Hi, Mr. Skywalker," you greet with a smile.

"You don't have to call me that," he chuckles as he kicks off his boots by the door. "How's the baby been?"

"Oh, just perfect," you smile. "He's down for a nap right now."

Anakin nods as he walks over to the kitchen sink to wash his hands. He watches you continue to fold the laundry and he thinks to himself that you would make a good housewife. You're responsible, pretty, and young enough to handle young kids.

Anakin drys his hands on the towel on the counter, then walks over to where you sit on the couch. You look up at him but you find it hard to maintain eye contact when he's looking at you so intensely. You've always been a bit intimidated by Anakin, but you know it's all in your head. He's a nice guy and you're just a girl with a stupid crush.

"Need any help?" he asks.

"No, it's okay," you smile.

"Are you sure?" he insists.

You look down at the full laundry basket of folded clothes. "Well, you could bring that to the bedroom for me if you want," you say.

With a charming smile, Anakin bends down to pick up the basket and starts off down the hall before turning around, waiting for you to follow him.

Anakin places the basket on the bed and stands back as you begin to place the clothes in his drawers. When you bend down to put some paired socks in the bottom drawer, Anakin looks shamelessly at your ass.

Putting on the charm and playing the nice guy has never been hard for Anakin. What's difficult is keeping his true nature hidden when no one is watching.

He sees how you look at him. You wouldn't babysit Eddie everyday for basically free if something wasn't in it for you. Anakin comes home early from work some days just so he can see your face light up when he walks through the door. You're so cute and innocent; such a sweet girl who has no idea what she's getting herself into.

Licking his lips, Anakin decides he doesn't want to hold off any longer. He steps towards you to place his hands on your hips and he pulls you back against him.

"Anakin!" you gasp, making him chuckle.

"Shh, you'll wake the baby," he says into her ear. "It's alright."

"W-what are you doing?"

The tip of his nose brushes against your ear and you shiver in his arms. "I'm doin' exactly what you want me to do, dollface."

"What-"

"You do all the house work, take care of my baby, greet me when I come home from work. You're pretty much my little housewife already. Why don't we make it official, huh?"

"I don't know what you mean," you say breathlessly.

Anakin's laugh rumbles through his chest. "I'm gonna make you mine, sweetheart. Might even give you a baby of your own."

Anakin's erection pokes your ass and you can't resist from pressing back against it. You have no idea where this is all coming from, but you have been dreaming of this. Anakin coming in and bending you over to claim you for his own, though you never thought it would actually happen.

"You wanna be pregnant with my kid, baby? You'd make such a good mommy. Don't you wanna make me a daddy again?"

Your stomach burns with desire but you know it's wrong. You had no idea he even had interest in you but now he's talking about getting you pregnant? You're brought out of your thoughts by the sound of Eddie crying in the next room. Saved by the bell.

You try to break away from Anakin's hold but he grips your hips tightly.

"But Eddie-"

"Let him cry. This is more important."

[sleepyconfusedpotato]

Do Ghost and Jade's kids don't know about their careers (or in Jade's case, former career)? Cause the comic you made of Andrew seeing Ghost in the middle of the night sorta implies they don't know about their parents' military background.

HMMM HM HM Good catch right there 👀👀

So this is also a part of what I've been thinking inside the Riley family after they have kids.

- I feel like the kids would definitely know about Simon's career as a soldier. BUT, as they are still in their early teens, I'd imagine that Andrew, Gracie, and later Orion know that their dad is a soldier, but that's the extent of their knowledge. They do know about Simon's nickname "Ghost", but they don't know how Simon operates inside the Task Force, they're not aware that their dad is an officer of one of the most elite and dangerous task force in the world. As far as they know, their dad only has edgy hobbies that involves black outfits and skull/skeleton themed. Heck, they even made fun of his preferences in outfits.

- But dear God, they never saw him in a full-on combat gear, in the dark of the night.

- Ghost is an officer, so day by day, he'd left the house with open face, and only wears the mask inside the car. After work day, he'd take off the mask before entering the house. If he's too tired, he'd try to sneak in in the deep of the night without making a sound. He'd sworn to himself that 'Ghost' will never enter his family and children's house/lives. They do not need trouble and his dangerous line of work to enter the one thing he cherishes the most.

- However, once you have kids, you can't hide anything forever. They'll find out by themselves (in this case, Andrew is entering his puberty and needs some midnight munchies). Simon and Lottie knows this, so they already have everything figured out. What would Andrew's reaction be, what would Gracie's reaction be, what would Orion's reaction be. They've discussed what they'd reveal, and what they'd still keep a secret, again, until they're old enough to know. They tread VERY carefully about it.

- About their mother though, that's a whole different story. After their marriage, Jade has strictly commited to be a mother for her kids, and opened a branch of The Garden in Herefordshire. She's an ✨ entrepreneur ✨. She's not that active to be called into deployment as before she had kids. If she's used to be 60% florist and 40% TF141 ally, after she had kids she'd be 98% Mum and Florist, and 2% TF141 Ally. Her kids literally only knows her as a florist, and that's it. Up until their late teens, Andrew, Gracie, and Orion would have no clue nor idea about her past with MI6. She didn't lie, she's just holding the truth until they're big enough to understand.

- In fact, Ghost BEGGED and asked Jade to not be active inside the TF141 or any conflicts anymore, considering Ghost would be deployed a lot (and how he's promoted to Captain and above), he'd want his wife to be with her kids. Jade herself also agreed, but she also told Ghost to not die and do stupid stuff. Even though married and less involved in the TF141 business, her resolve stayed the same. If he's missing, she'd pick up the guns in a heartbeat.

- Now, back to the kids. I'd imagine that because of how eventful each of Simon and Lottie's lives are, it sort of like become a game to the family. Each birthdays of the kids, Simon has established a "3 Question" rule game, where the kids can ask their parents anything about their lives. From Andrew and Orion, it's usually trivial and simple stuffs like "What's the naughtiest things you've ever done" "What's your favorite bla bla bla". HOWEVER, with Gracie, its always "What's your favourite mission?" "What's the worst condition of a dead body you've ever find?" "Who's the most difficult bad man you've ever encountered?" "Where is he now?"

- Ghost and Jade would answer with only two sentences. Looking at each other for approval. Gracie is most definitely Simon's daughter with that line of questioning. BUT, again, with every birthdays, and with their increasing age and they become more mature, they'll reveal everything bit after bit.

- By the time they finally know everything about their parents, they'd be in college years, probably, and Simon would no longer be the Ghost (he might be one of the higher ranked officer at this point), and Lottie would be completely out of the Task Force 141 game, becoming a regular civilian. Still, it'd be a legendary story to tell.

WOOHOO I kinda yapped a bit there, but hope that answer your question!

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Is there any chance we could have a round up of the Circus? I am so lost on how the dominoes fell over the last 40 days

Okay this is not comprehensive, because (a) my husband the politics nerd is currently on his way to a gig in west Wales somewhere and so cannot chime in and also (b) all our political journalist friends are understandably quite busy right now doing political journaling, but I seem to have an influx of new followers who are also very confused and don't understand what's going on, so I shall try.

Alright so what we're seeing here is the Second Clownfall of 2022, the hotly anticipated sequel to the Adventures of Big Dog the Clown. However it revolves around the character of Liz Truss, and will use some terminology, so

Previous Reading

Important Terminology - Required Reading

What is a Whip?

How do Whips work?

Shadow Cabinet

Front Benchers, Back Benchers and the Cabinet

What do we need to call an early General Election?

The Adventures of Big Dog the Clown - Suggested Reading

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

Part Four

Elanor's Guide to Liz Truss - Suggested Reading

Character-based prequel

...okay I think that's everything. On with the show!

The Premiership of Liz Truss (2022-2022)

Week One

We begin our tale on September 5th, 2022. Coincidentally, that was also the date that I personally started my new job. Let's see which of us does better!

The Daily Mail is delighted, and runs a headline proclaiming "Cometh the hour, cometh the woman". Tory rag in a frock coat the Financial Times runs an op-ed:

So the results ARE IN! She will definitely fuck us up! But that's a good thing for vague reasons! Blitz spirit everyone. Tally ho, pip pip, shoot a servant and have sex with a wall, hey what. Good old Blighty.

(That's my best impression of Tories I'm good at their accents I hope you like it)

Truss does an interview with Laura Kuenssberg, and fellow guest and comedian Joe Lycett wildly and effusively applauds her every word. Even Liz realises no one would sincerely applaud her. Bafflingly, the entire right wing press and every member of the Tory party freak out about this, because they don't understand the function of a satirist and don't know how to defend against it. It is extremely funny. Joe Lycett announces he's a right-wing comedian now, and begins a new extended career bit effusively and sarcastically praising right wing politicians. They all cry extensively and call him mean.

SO, it's been a long hard leadership campaign! But she made it. For years, Tories have been blighted by the curse of the PM/Chancellor relationship, backstabbing and cheating and lying about each other to try and get power. But not our Liz, oh no; her Chancellor is Maths Mate and BFF Kwasi Kwarteng, an insipid and poisonous gnome known for three (3) things:

He once wrote a stupid book with Liz Truss about his stupid opinions on how he thinks economics work and everyone laughed at him and stuffed him in a locker

On the night of the Brexit vote he was overheard by a journalist gleefully saying “Who cares if sterling crashes? It will come back up again“ which are of course the words of a man who knows all about economics and how they work

This fucking bullshit back in July:

But hey IT'S OKAY! Everything is fine! Because Liz and Kwasi are BFFs who certainly never had an affair and are marching in lockstep and have each other's backs and both love maths more than their own children if they had any! Maths Friends!

Multiple resignations immediately follow.

Among them is Ben Elliot, the Tory Party chair, which is a pretty big deal from a man who just lived through the Johnson years; also, shockingly, Priti Patel, the deportation-happy Home Secretary, decides that even as an animatronic goblin she cannot support this nonsense.

It's not a resignation per se, but at ten to seven in the evening it's announced that Andrew Bridgen, the Troy MP for Leicestershire North West, has been evicted from his home and ordered to pay £800,000 in legal costs, and a possible £244,000 in rent arrears. Also described as "dishonest" by a judge.

This is not directly relevant to Liz Truss but look, it was a staggeringly weird day and this was basically the topper.

Anyway.

Liz goes to the Palace and is duly sworn in by the Queen, who promptly keels over and dies the very next day. Parliament is instantly shut down for mandatory mourning. As omens go, this one was not subtle.

This triggers the circulation of some very awkward footage of Young Truss talking about how she thinks the Monarchy should be abolished for being a gross relic of horrifying social stratification. However you must understand that it's not awkward because anyone thinks she murdered the Queen. It's because Liz Truss's attempts at public speaking are like sitting through a children's Christmas play when you're the only person in the audience and they can all see your face so you have to look encouraging for four hours when inside you are shrivelling into something approximating an apricot pit travelling to the core of Jupiter.

Take a look at her acceptance speech and wither.

Anyway we're now several MPs and a queen down so she's got to get on replacing those so she can focus on her real love: the much-anticipated mini-budget that she is preparing with Kwasi to save the UK from the harrowing quagmire of crippling poverty that Big Dog managed to drive us into (all while pretending it wasn't Big Dog who did it.)

Fortunately, she does not need to replace the queen! Monarchies take care of themselves, which many people would argue is very much the problem, of course. They had a proper reunion with Meghan From Suits and Meghan From Suits' husband, both of whom were banned from visiting Balmoral, and also the Nonce flew in, who was allowed to visit Balmoral. Such heartwarming scenes.

But the Cabinet, that's another matter. That's something Liz DOES have to do, and it's important she gets it right, Tumblrs, because you see, every time a Cabinet minister is replaced it's expensive and a hassle and it weakens a government by making them look all crumbly, like a packet of biscuits that's been rammed against a wall and now someone is opening it and everyone is bracing for Crumbs.

So, step forward to the Cabinet soulless ghoul Suella Braverman, the new Home Secretary. She immediately distinguishes herself by trying to legalise torture.

And then, naturally,

YEAH THAT'S RIGHT IT'S TICK TOCK TERF O'CLOCK also FUCK the sovereignty of the Scottish Parliament amirite ladies lol Girl Power uwu

Not that she can actually do anything at this point, of course. As I say: Enforced Mourning is in process, which means Parliament is shut down for ten days. No work, no speeches, no appearances, no announcements, just taxpayer's money going on legal fees to see if she can interfere with another nation's elected government in order to strip away the human rights of queer people.

However, while we all weep over the corpse of Queen Lizzie Two and beat our breasts in grief, the already-beleaguered pound is slowly bleeding out through this inaction. And this, to the Maths Mates, is unacceptable.

Two things get quietly slid into the news cycle.

Thing the First:

BIG YIKES LADS

Thing the Second:

Fracking ban in England lifted in bid to boost UK gas supply - BBC News

For those who don't know, fracking is an energy extraction process. Water, gas and dust are pumped at high pressure into shale bedrock to crack it open, releasing pockets of natural gas that can then be harvested for fuel. It's environmentally disastrous for multiple reasons, both direct (earthquakes, groundwater pollution, social impacts) and indirect (IT'S STILL A FOSSIL FUEL YOU STUPID CUNTS ARE YOUR SKULLS FUCKING EMPTY). The Welsh and Scottish governments have both banned it outright, a straight-up "Foot down no, petal". England, though, is the Tory paradise, so the ban was less complete.

However, this is still a Huge Deal - the 2019 Tory manifesto was very clear that fracking would only be unbanned IF "the science shows categorically that it can be done safely". In fact, most Tories don't like it either. Their constituents REALLY don't. Also in March Kwasi Kwarteng literally went on record and said it wouldn't lower European gas prices anyway; but not anymore! Now he thinks it's a zippy idea. Just spiffing. Top hole, pip pip (I'm so good at their accents :))

Scientists who have been studying the environmental impacts of fracking produce their report -

And it is quietly buried, so as not to offend the corpse of Lizzie Two.

Here ends the first four days of the Reign of Liz Truss.

Second Week

Anyway, royalists have gone insane and started a REALLY BIG queue to see a box that supposedly contains the rotting cadaver of the old queen. Multiple people have to be hospitalised because they join the Queue and don't take food, water, warm clothes, or essential daily medications with them, even though the Queue is literally days long. Some die. Many take the ashes of their own loved ones so they can wave them at the box for the thirty seconds they get to be in front of it, like a sort of play date for ashes.

Prince Charles, now King Prince Charles, starts swanning about as King, demanding everyone be sad for him and clap him to cheer him up. Someone holds up a sign saying 'Not my King' and gets arrested. This triggers a whole wave of protests and arrests as free speech slides out the window, until the Met Police chief has to step in and explain to the police like they're five-year-olds that they can't do that, actually, and need to cut that shit out.

But we can't wholly blame the police, because the main pressure to clamp down on protestors actually came from...

The government.

Meanwhile the country goes bat shit fucking insane. In order not to offend the fragile sensibilities of royalists, now so brittle they need to be treated with the same delicate touch normally reserved for unstable nitroglycerin, the UK sees supermarkets lowering the volume of self-serve checkout desks, people's funerals cancelled, vital operations and other medical interventions postponed, Centre Parcs cancelling holidays, FOOD BANKS CLOSING, Nintendo Direct cancelling its live stream in Britain (but not cancelling the release of the recording onto You Tube an hour later because as we all know Queen Elizabeth II was a MASSIVE livestream fan and would have been DEVASTATED to miss it but she was very 'meh' about YouTube), cycle racks being closed, and this unhinged shrieking harridan:

Very normal, lads. Very normal.

Oh and also they cancelled Owain Glyndwr Day so as a Welsh person I am now legally allowed to forcibly ram a daffodil into the urethras of the landed English gentry.

However, the protests grow as the suppression wanes. By the time King Prince Charles comes to Wales, he is met with silent protests, this guy who learned a sentence in Welsh specially for the occasion, and a petition to abolish the Prince of Wales title.

Except government is still shut down, so the petitions are all suspended.

But not to worry! That gives the Maths Mates more time to work on their special mini-budget.

Week Three

More of the same at first, really, but she finally addresses the nation to announce that the Queen was the "rock" on which "modern Britain was built".

Also someone finally spots that the necklace she always wears is a day collar, so that was fun.

BUT THEN

The moment we have all been waiting for, with baited breath.

On the 23rd September, 2022, the mini-budget finally arrives. The golden egg of Kwasi and Liz, their beloved, beautiful child, the crowning glory, the culmination of their economic beliefs and values. They are so proud of it, so sure of it, that they do not even submit it for the approval of the Office for Budget Responsibility. Why should they? This is the moment Kwarteng can finally show the world that he was right; that this is the way to do economics after all; that he alone in his brilliance and genius has reinvented the field and will lead the country to a new era of riches and prosperity.

And the pound does this:

Yikes.

Truss goes into hiding for a day and a half, during which time her aids claim all her relatives have died so she won't have to speak to the press, which is obviously a simply fantastic quality in a Prime Minister. Finally, she resurfaces by doing a series of radio interviews for regional stations around the UK, hoping they'll be easier on her, starting with Radio Leeds. The good journalists of Yorkshire eviscerate her and strew her corpse through Adel Woods. It's downhill from there.

Week Four

One poll puts Labour 33 points ahead of the Tories.

It can be a little difficult to translate polls, because the electoral system is complex, so I asked my journalist friends. They cheerfully informed me that, if translated into a General Election, the Tories would have just 3 seats left.

Except! Of course, naturally, that is me reporting naught but the most extreme result, Tumblrs, dancing upon the bones of my enemies as I chant the rites to make the Tory party die faster. If I were to be fair about this - and I am, of course, a journalist of Integrity and Morals - I would actually give the average poll result. And I am wise and fair to all, ancient rites aside, so I shall.

The average poll result is still 19 points ahead.

Tony Blair's landslide Labour victory in 1999 was 12 points.

Rounding off the day, Labour declare that they are backing a change to a proportional representation voting system in place of the UK’s archaic first past the post system. Funny that.

Anyway, that mini-budget is going poorly. Realising unlimited borrowing rather than tax cuts for the rich is maybe Bad Actually, the Maths Mates decide to get the money for their bail-outs some other way. Can you guess, Tumblrs? Can you guess where they decide to get the money from?

Naturally.

Week Five

In a fascinating little twist, the papers claim Liz banned King Prince Charles from going to the Climate Summit in Egypt. This is interesting for about a billion reasons, not least of which is that the papers seem very angry about this and yet also that it's an unsubstantiated rumour - the phrase "it's understood that _" gets a hell of a workout.

She then does not go herself. Makes sense. They'll probably be mean to her about the fracking.

She then loses the support of the Daily Mail, a paper that five weeks before were ecstatic about her rise to power :( so sad. But why? What made them change their minds?

Well. What else from Truss, but a massive and catastrophic u-turn on the economy?

And she does! The absolute nutter!

Plans to cut the 45p tax rate for those earning upwards of £150,000 were abandoned, as were:

abolishing the planned rise in corporation tax

cutting the basic rate of income tax

the two-year energy bill support plan

scrapping the planned dividend tax hike

VAT-free shopping for international tourists

freezing alcohol duty

easing of IR25 rules for the self-employed

ALL GONE! All gone. The mini-budget is not working so lol jk we'll think of something else, that's how government works, right? The pound promptly implodes further. Of all people, Nadine Dorries is the one to criticise

WE ARE IN A TOPSY TURVEY UPSIDE DOWN WORLD

The Daily Mail still finds a way to say it's all Michael Gove's fault, though.

Anyway, the 5th October dawns bright and beautiful and YouGov polls rural voters:

THIS IS HUUUUUUUUUGE, because farmers just will not fucking stop voting Tory, AND YET. Wowsers. Not just popularity. Voting intention. She might as well have personally infected every farm in the South Downs with foot and mouth disease.

Truss realises her popularity is plummeting and she needs a new audience. She tries to appear down with the kids and declares that she's the only PM to have gone to a comprehensive school.

This is not true. Gordon Brown and Theresa May both did. However, it's certainly true that all three of them became PM by ousting a sitting PM, so there's that I guess.

Week Six

At this point I can start putting in PRECISE DATEs just call ME Robert Peston.

13th October

News reporters start speculating that she'll be done by the end of the month as the first rumoured letter of no confidence reaches us. People realise that her competition for shortest serving PM was a guy who died in office of TB at about the four month mark RIP king sorry about your lungs.

(A reminder - normally, if MPs want to oust a party leader, they must send in 54 letters of no confidence. This makes the 1922 Committee - a bunch of back benchers who preside over this shit - hold a vote of no confidence. A leader who loses gives way - this is very rare. A leader who wins is then immune to another such vote for 12 months, but they almost always crumble within a month or two anyway - this is much more common.)

This is extremely funny, because a newly-elected leader of the party has a 12 month immunity to votes of no confidence, same as people who've won such a vote. Likes charge reblogs cast apparently. MPs are getting desperate.

Pressure mounts. Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng announces that he is "Not going anywhere."

14th October

Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng is sacked and blamed for the entire economic mess.

Incredibly, Liz does this without first planning a replacement, so it's several hours before Jeremy Cunt suddenly reappears like the spectre at the fucking feast.

Meanwhile here's Ed Milliband on Twitter

Seven and a half years he waited to retweet that. Seven and a half long years, look, to have the last laugh.

In the end, he still went too soon.

15th October

Deputy PM and also Health Minister Therese Coffey (side note - have they always doubled up in roles like that? Or are there just not enough of them anymore?) announces that she loves antibiotic resistance and dead kids and also breaking laws:

16th October

The Sunday Times calls for Extremely Corrupt Former Grand Vizier Rishi Sunak to take over, and then a General Election so that Labour can take the reins.

The SUNDAY TIMES

Calling for LABOUR

The Sunday Mail tries to stir up support for Ben Wallace taking over, because no one has heard of Ben Wallace so he needs the boost, but then accidentally publish their front page with a different man

In another YouGov poll for the Times, not a single political group, age group, area of the country, gender, or other demographic said that Liz Truss was the right choice for PM

This is the new predicted election graph:

Yikes

17th October

The projected election results are a Labour victory so complete the opposition would be the SNP. Legend suggests Nicola Sturgeon's cackle on finding out was so powerful she accidentally resurrected a witchfinder.

18th October

Meanwhile in the Senedd, Welsh Tory leader Andrew RT Davies, a sort of humanoid boil dressed in ham, tries to accuse placid and gentle First Minister for Wales Mark Drakeford's Labour of being responsible for long ambulance waiting times.

T'was a mistake.

19th October

Oh boy.

Well, first of all, Suella Braverman sends an official email from her private email address, and then promptly leaves the Cabinet at cannonball speeds as though she's seen a brown child about to be given citizenship. Was she quietly fired by Jeremy Cunt? Did she do it deliberately to resign? On her way out, she blames the true source of our problems - the Guardian-reading, tofu-eating Wokerati.

Nigella Lawson spends the day tweeting tofu recipes.

Meanwhile, Graham Brady, the Chair of the 1922 Committee, comes to Liz Truss to inform her that he has in fact now received 54 letters of no confidence. Normally, of course, that would be considered enough to trigger a vote in her leadership; but not now.

However, these are unprecedented times. So he changes the threshold - if half of the Tories send him letters, her immunity will be revoked.

But the thing is, Tumblrs, the thing is...

It is all about to kick off in the most spectacular and catastrophic fireworks since Guy Fawkes had a dream.

Because Ed Milliband, once accused of leading the country to chaos and now riding high on the joy of his well-timed Twitter jab of Some Days Ago, wakes this morning and chooses violence.

He has spotted, of course, that no one likes fracking; even the Tories are against it.

He has also spotted that Liz Truss is very stupid.

So he goes into the House of Commons, and he digs a big pit and covers it over with twigs and leaves so it can't be seen, and he bakes a big cake and he places it in the middle of the twigs, and he sets up a net to fall as well and a big stick of ACME dynamite, and he hammers in little signs everywhere saying CAUTION - TRAP, by which I am of course being metaphorical because what he actually does is table a motion to extend the moratorium on fracking. The signs aren't necessary, really. This trap is easy to avoid.

All Liz Truss has to do, you see, is not use a three-line whip on this vote.

The three-line whip, as you'll all recall, is the highest level of coercion. MPs cannot defy a three-line whip. MPs cannot even abstain on a three-line whip. MPs have two choices on a three-line whip: to vote as they're told, or to be removed from the party. You obey or resign. That's all.

For this reason, it's sometimes called a 'confidence vote', as it is effectively a stand-in for one. The vote is not about the issue at hand - this is now a vote of confidence in your leader.

(He's also laid lesser traps. Years back when fracking was first being heavily discussed, Ed was Labour leader and one of the main figures in those discussions. During today, before it all Kicks The Fuck Off, a Tory stands and challenges him on previous statements about fracking, trying to accuse him of hypocrisy.

He was fucking ready for it.)

Graham Brady pops his head back around the door. He's changed his mind - a third of the party is all that's needed now to trigger a vote of no confidence in Liz Truss. And legend says he's only 17 off.

This is presumably the reason for what comes next.

Liz panics. Liz sees she's desperately unpopular. Liz sees that she has to do something to shore up support; and she sees that her important fracking rule, which her party hates her for, is now being challenged by a former Labour leader, and if he wins (which he will) she'll lose all credibility and maybe they'll take her nice office away and tell her she was a Bad Girl.

And so, with the inevitability of gravity on the now-leaden pound sterling, she makes it a three-line whip, and a confidence vote in her government.

INSTANT CHAOS.

There is uproar! There is rage! There is blinding fury! Tory MPs are standing up in the Commons and snarling and pissing and moaning! No one likes fracking except Jacob Rees Mogg! For TWO HOURS they shriek and scream and gnash their teeth, yelling at Liz Truss, demanding to know why this is happening.

(Legend has it chaos-deity Ed Milliband simply leaned back, put his feet up on the chair in front, and made Christian Wakeford hand-feed him grapes and fan him with a palm leaf, but this is unsubstantiated.)

And then, at 6.55, FIVE MINUTES before voting is ready to begin, the Tory Minister for Climate Graham Stewart stands up and declares that everyone should vote how they want because it's not a confidence vote.

Did I say there was chaos before?

Lol. Lmao, even. Rofl, in fact.

Now Tories leap to their feet and basically all scream one long, unending breath of WHAT-DO-YOU-MEAN-IT'S-NOT-A-CONFIDENCE-VOTE-WHAT-THE-FUCK-IS-HAPPENING-IS-IT-OR-IS-IT-NOT-A-CONFIDENCE-VOTE and so Stewart gets up again and says, right to everyone's faces, "It's not for me to say whether it's a confidence vote or not," which is an even faster and more spectacular u-turn than Truss herself could pull off given that he literally just said it wasn't and did so while being a minister.

And then the voting starts. MPs are now milling about like chickens who've sighted the hawk, clamouring to know if they're going to lose their jobs unless they vote for Satan. The Whips - specifically Chief Whip Wendy Morton and Deputy Chief Whip Craig Whittaker - descend upon them like fucking wargs on the hunt. They don't just spit vitriol and blackmail into MPs ears. They fucking bodily drag people into the right voting lobby. MPs are legitimately screaming. Grown men are crying literal tears. Labour's Chris Bryant reports holding multiple Tory MPs as they sob into his shoulder. Multiple MPs report similar scenes.

And Tories still don't know if this is even a damn confidence vote, or if they should just knock the Chief Whip's teeth out.

And then the Whips, filled with bloodlust and frenzy, suddenly realise that NO ONE IS LISTENING TO US, YOU'RE ALL SUPPOSED TO LISTEN TO US SO WE FEEL POWERFUL -

Cue sudden meeting in a locked room with Liz Truss. For over HALF AN HOUR.

So is it a confidence vote? No one is sure. Deputy PM Therese Coffey thinks so, so in the absence of the Whips she decides physical assault is her job now and is seen by David Linden MP (SNP) physically carrying someone into the voting lobby. Jacob Rees Mogg thinks not and starts yelling "It's not a confidence vote!", to which his colleagues reply, "Fuck off." Meanwhile the Whips have possibly resigned, no one is sure. It is still uncertain if this was a confidence vote.

And Ed Milliband basks in the chaos, playing the fiddle while it all burns around him.

Finally, voting concludes. The Whips reappear to lurk.

The votes are in - the government wins, and fracking will go ahead. But.

32 MPs abstained.

And one of those is Liz Truss.

Which is WILD??!? What possible benefit could she get from that??? No one knows. Everything is uproar again. Guess who else abstained? Well, riveted reader, here's a list with important names highlighted:

Nigel Adams, Gareth Bacon, Siobhan Baillie, Greg Clark, Sir Geoffrey Cox, Tracey Crouch, David Davis, Dame Caroline Dinenage, Nadine Dorries, Philip Dunne, Mark Fletcher, Vicky Ford, Paul Holmes, Alister Jack, Boris Johnson, Gillian Keegan, Kwasi Kwarteng, Robert Largan, Pauline Latham, Mark Logan, Theresa May, Priti Patel, Mark Pawsey, Angela Richardson, Andrew Rosindell, Bob Seely, Alok Sharma, Chris Skidmore, Henry Smith, Ben Wallace, Sir John Whittingdale, and William Wragg.

Kwasi still smarting about that p45, I see.

In any case it then turns out that Liz DID vote, but incompetently, because her voting card didn't read properly, which is actually fair given that she was being screamed at by angry Whips waving Graham Stewart's severed dick and balls around while they demanded power and authority. While she's clearing that up, the press are understandably waiting open-mouthed for comment, but don't worry Liz! Your old pal Jacob Rees Mogg is here to fill in for you!

And thus it is that JRM willingly chooses to go on the live news and calmly confirm to the nation that no one knows if it was a confidence vote or not.

Chaos. Chaos again. Unbridled chaos. The Whips are furious. Everyone is furious. The rebels are now in limbo, unsure if they're now out of a job. Tories are weeping, trying to work out if Rees Mogg WANTS to sink the party. Back bencher Charles Walker MP delivers a frank interview to the press absolutely SHIVERING with rage, like the drummer in a Fleetwood Mac concert. Ex-Lib Dem leader Tim Farron, a bland man known only for the time he himself willingly chose to go on the news and calmly explain that he's a homophobe without provocation, tweets that Liz Truss is a Lib Dem sleeper agent they sent in to destroy the Tories, sparking what is likely to be a whole slew of conspiracy theories by next week. No one knows what is going on. They all decide to sleep on it.

The good folks at Wikipedia ultimately decide to make three separate pages for the UK 2022 government crisis, and to label them with the month "to leave room for another by the end of the year."

Ed Milliband skips all the way home, and treats himself to a bacon sandwich.

20th October

Okay, Liz thinks, the morning after. Okay. Last night was bad. But today will be better.

So first... the vote.

Because there's bad news for Tories who like money and good news for people who like liveable planets - there are problems with the vote. For one, the vote counts are being called into question. Are the results reliable?

For another, the Speaker of the House of Commons calls for an investigation into the reports of, um, assault. So will the result stand?

It's so unclear! And so is that ongoing issue of whether or not the damn thing was a confidence vote. Angry whips say YES, JRM says NO, Downing Street refuses to pick up the phone to the BBC, but does send ITV's Robert Peston a text at 1am to say it was definitely a confidence vote and, unrelatedly, the Whips aren't resigning :)

I think we have found the price paid to keep the Whips.

Meanwhile. Let's see what this has done for Liz's leadership stability!

13 letters of no confidence are confirmed submitted by Sky, 5 of which came in overnight. The 1922 Committee reconvenes the coven to discuss matters. Simultaneously, the One Nation Conservatives reconvene their coven to discuss the same. Presumably there is much "Girl what are YOU doing at the Devil's Sacrament?"-ing and "Same cloak, how embarrassing"-ing. MPs are CLAMOURING for her head. It is VICIOUS. It's like cartoon piranhas in a supervillain's lair; which is highly appropriate, because that's exactly what Tory MPs are.

Graham Brady, head jester of the 1922 Committee, demands to see Liz Truss.

He walks into a room with her, and the doors are closed. Half an hour later, he walks back out of the room.

Ten minutes later, she calls a press conference.

45 days after being appointed, Liz Truss breaks the record, and becomes the shortest-serving British Prime Minister.

[bettyfrommars]

Dirty Metal Summer

a Dirty Dancing au

Part 3: Crimson and Clover

Eddie x fem!Reader & Steve x older!OC

masterlist playlist

18+MDNI, not too many warnings for this part just mention of losing a parent, hint to an abusive relationship, alcohol consumption, tons of awkward flirting, eventual smut, but very much a slow burn. Steve is in his mid-late 20's, aunt Kim is mid 30's to early 40's, or whatever age you are, dear reader.

wc: 4.5k

Summary: Hello! We're getting to know a bit more about the character dynamics, listening to some of Eddie's thoughts, and catching a glimpse at a third possible romance on the horizon. Preparing us for the wild ride that starts in the next chapter.

Songs for this chapter: Under the Milky Way/The Church Edge of a Broken Heart/Vixen Seek and Destroy/Metallica

The shores of the resort were thick the next day with people who worshiped the sun, playfully kicking at the water in their bathing suits, stretched out in their lounge chairs, glistening in layers of Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil.  

You, on the other hand, were still fully clothed, covered in SPF, under one of the big umbrella’s the resort offered with your headphones on to drown out the sound of the screaming children.  Your dad was in the shade next to you, absorbed in a book, while aunt Kim caught some rays on her backside in a black one-piece that was high at the hip, flipping through an issue of People magazine.  It was the Summer of Love issue celebrating the 1960’s with the Beatles on the front and the quote: “It’s 20 years later, do you know where your love beads are?”

“Don’t you want to get in the water, Bird?” Your aunt cooed politely, adjusting her big sunglasses on her face.

You shook your head, pulling your headphones down.  “I think I’ve developed a phobia of public watering holes.”

“Suit yourself,” she sat up and brushed herself off.  “I think I’ll take a quick dip.”

“Watch out for sharks,” you quipped, earning the weight of a magazine being thrown at your hip.

“This has been enough excitement for me,” your dad cleared his throat, placing a bookmark to save his spot, standing from his chair, knees popping.  “I think I’ll head in, get some writing done before dinner.”

“Later dad,” you mumbled, wishing you had an excuse to hide in a room by yourself all day.  

Once he was gone, Kim took a drink out of her water bottle and heaved a sigh.  “I wish the two of you would give this place a chance.  Look at that lake!” She stretched her arm out, pointing. “It’s breathtaking.”

You gazed out at the expanse of the cheery, vacation scene, bursting with melancholy.  “Mom would’ve loved this place,” you choked on the last word, not sure where that fresh pang of emotion had come from.  

Kim chewed the inside of her cheek, equally adrift in reverie, when a body stepped up to block the sun, putting her in its shadow.  “I was hoping I’d run into you again.” 

The body belonged to Steve, and he was shirtless, in a pair of navy-blue Staff swim trunks, short and slightly snug against his hairy thighs, and flip flops.  His lips were glossy, and even though he wore sunglasses, he had to shield his face with his hand, squinting against the sun so hard that his top lip curled.

Kim tried to speak so fast she coughed, wondering if she looked too frumpy in the suit she had on.  What was she thinking? He had to be a good 10 years younger than her, no way he was interested in—

“Kim, right?” He aimed a finger gun at her, but then he struggled a bit with your name, snapping his fingers to ignite recollection.

“And you’re Steve,” Kim's eyes couldn’t help but land on the silver chain nestled in his ample chest hair.  “Did you, um, are you working on your tan?”

It took him a second to catch what she was referring to, and then he smirked, pulling a crumpled polo from his back pocket.  “I jumped in to cover lifeguard duty for a buddy of mine,” and then he shifted his sunglasses to the top of his head and so did she.  “If you ever need a swimming lesson, I’m your guy.”

“You’re a swim instructor too?” Kim asked, impressed. Steve put his hands on his hips, accentuating broad shoulder muscles.

“Nah,” he shrugged, tucking his chin. “But I’d do my best.”

You dropped your gaze to the sketchbook you’d been doodling in, trying to pretend like you weren’t listening.  From the headphones around your neck, the song Under the Milky Way by The Church played and a handful of kids ran by you giggling, dusting sand onto your blanket.

Steve wished you a good afternoon just before he excused himself, seemingly headed back to the pool area.  You thought he’d been on his way somewhere else, but you were mistaken.

“I think he likes you,” you swirled a few doodles, raising an eyebrow.

“Noooo,” Kim gave a long protest, adjusting the straps of her bathing suit.  “He works here, it’s his job to be friendly.  

“Yeah? Is it his job to keep checking over his shoulder at you as he walks away?”

Kim peeked just as the man in question tripped over his own feet.  Regaining his balance, he waved and said, “I’m okay,” and then proceeded to put his shirt back on as he approached the lifeguard station. 

It was your turn to stiffen and feel tingly all over when you spotted Eddie strolling down the sidewalk from the main house, wearing a tool belt loose at his hips to accompany his denim and staff shirt attire.  

From the way he knocked that Lance guy out with one punch the other night, you wondered if his hand hurt.  Adjusting yourself, you wet your lips, as if he’d spot you or something, which was impossible from that distance.  He cut in front of the fenced pool area, heading for the outdoor bar that had a thatched roof like you’d see at a tropical beach.  For the first time that day, you noticed that Chrissy was working the area, carting fancy drinks around to the guests at the pool.  Her blonde ponytail bobbed as she turned from what she was doing to talk to him.  

She dipped her chin a few times in answer to whatever questions he was asking, and then he squeezed her arm affectionately before taking off again.  

“Do you want anything from the bar?” You got to your feet, dropping your Walkman to the towel.

Kim cocked her head, considering the question.  “Is it too early for alcohol?”

Eddie was back on the path, his back to you as he got further away, but your attention was on Chrissy mixing cocktails in a metal shaker.  

“I can see if they have mimosas?” You weren’t thirsty, really, but you were curious.  

Kim decided on a bloody mary and asked you to put it on her tab, slipping you a few bucks for a tip.  

The smile Chrissy gave you as you approached was polite, but it did not reach her eyes.  “What can I get for ya?”

You told her, fumbling over your words a bit, and then waited on one of the five stools for her to make your drinks.  She scooped ice into a Styrofoam cup and tossed in a jigger of alcohol. You noticed a gold, heart shaped locket around her neck with something engraved on the front.  

“Is it true you used to play with Vixen?” You asked, in awe.

Chrissy’s face fell and she paused to stare at  you.  “Who told you that?”

“Oh, um, Joyce, she, well—sounded like she was proud of you.”

Chrissy went back to work.  “That was a long time ago, back when life was good.”

“It’s not good now?” You were intruding, and you knew it, but still, you couldn’t help yourself.  

Chrissy scoffed. “You could say that. Lemon in your tea?”

You nodded, wondering if there was anything you could say or do to cheer her up.  

“How long have you and Eddie been together?” 

She frowned down at what she was doing.  “Eddie’s not my boyfriend,” she corrected.  “He’s like a brother to me. Known him since I was a kid.”

“Oh I see,” you pressed your lips together, trying not to appear relieved at that news.  

There was a lull of silence as she finished up and you felt compelled to fill it.  “I saw you play with the house band last night.  I think you’re really talented.”

You could hear the click of her molars gnashing together when she placed both drinks in front of you. “Playing lame cover songs for a no-name house band is the best I can do with my life right now. Music is the only thing I’ve ever cared about.”

You used some of your own cash to give her an even bigger tip and scooped up your drinks.

“Hey, wait,” Chrissy called after you. She rubbed her forehead and tried to smile.  “Listen, I’m sorry that I’m, that I’m being such a bitch,” she shrugged. “It’s been a shit couple days.”

You shook your head, cold drinks sweating in your hands, about to tell her that you understood, but the two of you were interrupted.  

“Bird, there you are,” you froze at the sound of Troy’s voice. “Glad to see you’re enjoying the amenities.”

Troy had a green and white tennis outfit on with a racket in his hand, and you caught the way Chrissy tensed and quickly turned away at his entrance.  She folded the tip you’d left and put it in the front pocket of her apron.  He came up close to  you—too close, invading your bubble—and so you shuffled back, bumping into one of the stools.  

“The staff is treating you well, I hope?” He leaned against the tiki bar, and it was not lost on you that Chrissy pretended to be so busy she didn’t notice him.

“Just about to bring this to my aunt,” you lifted the red drink with the celery stick sticking out of it. You glanced at Chrissy, but she went to the other side of the bar to help someone else.  “The service here is impeccable,” you said, loud enough for her to hear.

You headed out and he kept up, sticking by your side. “I’ll walk with you,” he winked.

“Great,” your smile was a tight, thin line.  

—-------

Eddie bent at the waist to sip from the stone drinking fountain near one of the utility sheds and splashed water on his face a few times, combing wet fingers through his hair so that his bangs were off his forehead.  He worked the cool water around the back of his neck, wondering if he had a sunburn.  He loved Indiana for the fall colors and the long winters, but the summer? The summer heat could go fuck itself.  

Water was still dripping from his chin and nose when Steve walked up, sunlight through the leaves making patterns on his face.   

“Did Robin mention we need to borrow your van tomorrow night?” Steve bent down to take a sip from the fountain after he asked it.  

Eddie pulled the bottom of his shirt up to wipe his face, exposing his stomach and trail of hair from his belly button to his waistband.  “As long as you don’t bring it back on empty. What’s wrong with your car?”

“We need to pick up a bunch of Robin’s stuff from her ex’s house,” Steve raised his brows high, locking them in place. “Girl is a bit of a psycho, I don’t want Robbie to go alone.

Over Steve’s shoulder, he caught sight of you making your way back to the umbrella with Troy by your side and he hoped that you were smart enough to know that guy was a piece of shit.

“I work late tomorrow, but I’ll help you unload when you get back,” the tip of Eddie’s tongue rested at the corner of his mouth, eyes darting to you again.  You weren’t some goddess from the cover of a hotrod magazine, or one of the metal babes who always tried to go down on him when he used to play shows with his old band, but yet, without knowing anything about you, the sight of you made his heart jump into his throat.

“Nah, we got it,” Steve talked as the two started walking.  “It’s just a mattress and a chair and some clothes I think.  I told her just to let them go, but it's the principle I suppose.”

“I get it man, believe me,” Eddie once drove three states just to get a rare Scorpions concert tee back from an ex who stomped his heart.

“Hey,” Eddie caught Steve before he headed off in the other direction.  “Jam at the Hideout tonight?”

They bumped fists. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

—-------

The movie Casablanca was the offering at the outdoor theater that night, and respective families cuddled on the lawn on their various blankets and camp chairs under cover of generous tree branches.  Halfway through, you excused yourself from your aunt’s company to find the restroom, and that was when you spotted Chrissy and Troy having what appeared to be a heated conversion at the curve of the sidewalk near the rose garden.  You ducked behind a tree just as Humphrey Bogart said one of his infamous lines on the screen.  

Since everyone’s attention was occupied elsewhere, no one but you saw the way Chrissy pointed in Troy’s face, only for him to snatch her wrist in a way that made you gasp.  She yanked her arm away and turned on her heel, but then he caught up and lunged in front of her.  Whatever he said to her then calmed things down for a moment, she stopped trying to break free, and then he cupped her face as if he were about to kiss her, but she shoved away again.  That time, he let her go.  Hands balled into fists in his pockets, head down, he stormed off in the opposite direction, toward you.

You stood very still, hoping to be mistaken for the thick trunk of the tree, and thankfully, it worked. You came around to glare at his backside, but then trotted after Chrissy.  She was long gone, walking as fast as her feet could carry her along the treeline, and you didn’t think she’d appreciate you screaming her name at the top of your lungs in front of the other guests.  

It was pure luck that made you take notice of something shiny on the ground, a pile of glistening gold on the sidewalk.

It was a necklace, a heart locket to be exact, much like the one you’d noticed around Chrissy’s neck earlier that day.  You ran your thumb over the engraving on the front and let the delicate chain drag along the back of  your hand.  

You were sure that it belonged to Chrissy, the clasp must’ve broken during the struggle with Troy.  You had to get it back to her somehow.  

—-------

“Where are you going?” Your dad asked as you sailed through the living room on your way to the door later that evening.  He looked at his wristwatch.  “It’s almost 11.”

You’d planned on him being in bed already.  “I, well, I ahh—” you scrambled for an excuse, something that wasn’t “I’m going off the property to where people fight and get drunk and listen to metal”.  You were 21 and technically, by the law of the land, could do anything you wanted, but anyone who has ever traveled with family is familiar with the tendency to be treated like a child infinitely.  He loved  you, he worried about you, and you didn’t want him to stay up all night pacing, so, you lied.  

“There’s a meteor shower tonight, and a bunch of the guests are watching from the boat docks,” god, you hoped he wouldn’t fact check you on that.

He shuffled some saltines absently out of a tin.  “You’re still coming on the boat with us tomorrow morning?”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” you beamed, clenching the front of your jean jacket closed to hide the revealing shirt you wore underneath.  

You raced down the porch steps once you were able, dashing into the night with Chrissy’s necklace safe in your pocket.

—-----

A guy in a Black Sabbath shirt and a drastic mullet with hair down his shoulders moved out of the way for you as you crossed the bridge, and then you had to stand there and take a breath. Robin wasn’t with you and you hadn’t been invited to the Hideout this time, maybe they wouldn’t want you?  Surely you could find Chrissy at work the next day and give her the necklace then? Fuck it, you were almost there.  

You could hear the shrill feedback from a guitar and then someone speaking into a microphone.  Was that Eddie’s voice? Your heart raced.  People cheered at whatever was said, and then the drum beat kicked in a few times, followed by guitar riffs, and a woman’s voice singing the Vixen intro to Edge of a Broken Heart.

“I can't believe I could have been so blind

But love is strange

I thought about it for a long long time

But the truth remains”

You could feel the music in your chest.  Was that Chrissy? Perhaps it was the “band practice” Robin told you about, but the music didn’t sound at all like what you’d expect to hear from the conservative house band. The sliding door was open once you were in view, with people mingling outside, and you dodged around them, sucking in a plume of secondhand smoke from a passerby.   

Slithering through a few more bodies, you stepped right over the spot where Lance had gone down the night before, and then you had the perfect view of Chrissy exercising her impressive pipes on the microphone under a few ropes of tiny, pale string lights.  

Steve was on bass, hair flopping in his face, his mouth holding an “O” shape as he played. He had on a thin white tee that was soaked through with sweat on the front atop belted blue jeans.  Eddie arched back, exposing his throat, his fingers deftly working the strings on his smoke black Warlock guitar.  He had a Bark at the Moon shirt on with wide, ripped out arm holes exposing the tattoo work on his ribs.  His hair hung in his face when he bent over to play, a frown of concentration knitting his brows together.

Chrissy jabbed her fist in the air for the chorus and the crowd screamed it:

“I've been living on the edge of a broken heart

I don't wanna fall, I don't wanna crawl

I've been living on the edge of a broken heart

Don't you wonder why I gotta say goodbye”

She commanded the stage, playing guitar as she sang. You were too absorbed to realize that you had made your way forward and were right there front and center when Eddie glanced up.

He wasn’t expecting to see you, so he did a dramatic double take, nostrils flaring the moment your eyes connected.  Why couldn’t you just stay away?

A smile teased at the corners of your mouth, but faded to an unsure lip bite when he averted his gaze, scowl deepening.  He ignored you for the rest of the song. 

When it was over, there were cheers and whistles all around.  The drummer with the mop of tawny hair twirled one of their drumsticks in the air with a flourish and caught it, clapping the high hat.  Voices murmured around you as people fell back into conversation while they had a break from the volume of the amps, and you shuffled to the side, following Chrissy as she took her guitar off and held it by the fretboard.  She had on a cropped shirt with her shorts, golden hair loose and wild around her shoulders, her short fingernails painted black.  There were a few old, wooden apple box crates stacked on top of each other to act as a makeshift table, and she grabbed the neck of the beer that was waiting there to take a sip.   

Eddie continued to play, wailing on the guitar with precision, while Steve and the drummer followed his lead to the tune of Seek and Destroy by Metallica.

You tapped Chrissy on the shoulder, and she jumped.  “Oh shit, you scared me,” she said, spinning around. She checked around as if she were expecting to see someone else there.  “Where’s Robin? Is she with you?”

“No, I, just a sec—” you dug around in the front pocket of your jacket, panicking for a moment that you forgot to bring the locket with you. “I found this on the sidewalk, and I thought maybe you dropped it?”

Chrissy gasped at the sight of it and her eyes began to water.  “How did you–?” A sob caught in her throat, and she reached out to gently take it from you.  She shook her head in disbelief.  “I looked everywhere, I thought it was gone forever, I—”

“I thought that was you!” It was Robin, bobbing on the balls of her feet as she came up to nudge your shoulder.  But then, her attention turned to Chrissy and her face tensed with concern.  “What happened, why are you crying?”

“No, no,” Chrissy sniffed and opened her fist to show Robin the piece of jewelry.  “It’s my grandmother’s locket I told you about.  Bird found it.”

Robin bent to get a closer look and the two women knocked their heads together, sharing a laugh.  “The clasp is broken though,” Chrissy mused.  “It must’ve come off when—” she swallowed, deciding not to finish that sentence.  “I’ll take it into town to get it fixed this weekend.”

“Give it here, I’ll fix it for you,” Robin volunteered.  “Not only can I unclog a toilet, but I’m also pretty crafty.”

“Y-you’d do that for me?” She asked as she was passing it over.

“Of course,” Robin chuckled.  “I’d do anything for y—I mean, what are friends for right?”

Chrissy turned her attention back to thank you properly when Steve pushed in between the other two girls and slung his arms around their shoulders.  “What's going on?”

Robin cringed.  “Gross, Dingus, you’re all sweaty,” to which he shook his head and droplets from his hair flew everywhere, making the girls scream and push him off.

The three of them got into conversation about something and you sank back against the corrugated metal wall to observe.  You hadn’t noticed the music stopped but the drummer was in the crowd having a beer and just as you were on your toes trying to find Eddie, a warm body sank in next to you.  

“Hey,” Eddie said.

You looked just in time to catch his gaze traveling down your body, but then he was quick to lift his beer to his mouth and pretended to be watching the crowd. 

“Hey,” you returned, suddenly full sentences and conversation felt so foreign.  You were acutely aware that there was plenty of space along the wall, but he was pressed close, bare arm touching yours.  

“They let you stay out this late on a school night?” He grinned against the aluminum rim, amusing himself.  He had a second beer in his other hand, and he passed it to you.

“Ha. Ha.” 

He had one knee bent with his foot on the wall while the other leg stretched long to show the heavily scuffed toe of his black boot.  

You shuddered despite the heat.  “So, how long have you and Chrissy been playing music together?”

He hummed, shifting so that his bicep rubbed against you, squinting one eye shut in thought, tilting his head back.  “Been something like a decade now, I think? Feels longer.  Feels like I’m 60 years old some days.”

“How old are you though?” You swallowed so hard your throat clicked.  “45? 50?”

He leaned into you, hard enough to push you over if your feet weren’t planted, his hair skimming your shoulder.  “Close enough,” he paused to say something else, but then puffed out his cheeks and exhaled.  

He wanted to ask how long you’d been playing the cello, but how would he even know you did without admitting he’d watched you that night from the street like a stalker? “Do you think you’re gonna stick around, watch us play some more?”

“I could,” you were about to add something super cheesy like, “if you want me to,” but opted for nonchalant.  “I love watching Chrissy play.”

He nodded a few times, and pushed off the wall, handing you his beer.  “Hold this for me?” His silky brown eyes locked onto yours, the tip of his tongue resting between parted lips.  “Please?”

There you were, holding Eddie Munson’s beer.  He got behind the mic and took his shirt all the way off to wipe his face with it before strapping his guitar on.  The next song they did was an original, something that Eddie and Chrissy wrote, and Chrissy came in on backup vocals, while Eddie growled out the lyrics, banging his head every so often.   He swiped his bangs from his forehead, wet with perspiration, and his fingers worked like magic along the strings.  At one point, he and Chrissy shared the same mic, belting out the words.  

He made eye contact with you three times, not that you were counting.  Each time longer than the last.  When it was over, he came out and took his beer from you, fingers touching as he did so.

“Eddie, I think I—” you were about to let him know you should probably get going, but he’d already turned, chugging the rest of the beer as he went, and then they were right into the next song.  

Eddie wasn’t sure why you made him so curious, but the voices in his head were screaming at him to shake it off.  Somehow, he’d gone four years without getting involved with a summer person, he’d never even been tempted really.  Nothing good could come of it, especially since he’d probably end up being nothing but a vacation fuck for you to brag to your friends about.  

He glanced around but couldn’t find you during the song.  When he went to check for you at the wall, you were gone.  

---

thank you again for the love on this and for reading!

---

taglist: @micheledawn1975@kurdtbean@katethetank@elvendria@spookysqaush86@somethingvicked@stylesxmunson@laurenlokirby@sapphire4082 @kellsck @motherfckerrr @emxxblog @justdamnpeachy @dashingdeb16 @corrodedcoffincumslut @bexreadstoomuch @ohmeg@marrowfrog00

[auteurdelabre]

Something to Fight For (Series) (PART 3)

Word Count: 7.7

Pairing: Dad!Joel Miller x f!reader (no use of y/n, no age or physical descriptions)

Warnings: This is saccharine slice of life with smut and a Soft!Joel. You have been warned. There is swearing, there is smut, but when it gets to those chapters you will have plenty of warning. (That is if there is interest in my story!)

A/N: This is part of a series (lots of angst, pining and smut ahead) Also despite Sarah's young age Joel is early 40's in this because slightly grey babygirl DILF Joel is the best Joel.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The bus groans the curb at the end of Rancher Street, the doors hissing as they open. 

It's embarrassing to be taking a bus to a fucking babysitting job at your age. Equally embarrassing to not have a vehicle in the first place because your ex boyfriend convinced you he needed it more for his gigs and since you were dating and in love at the time, you'd readily accepted that reasoning. 

You step off the bus, walking hurriedly up the suburban street with your purse over one shoulder and a Wal-Mart bag in your right hand. 

A few houses are bustling with laughing kids, not surprisingly so given that it's the start of a lazy Texas fall. They chase each other squealing with delight. Others are playing hide and seek. You smile at this before looking into your purse at the sound of your phone ringing. 

"Hey Mom, what's up?"

"Hi bug," comes your mother's tired voice on the other end of the line. Immediately you tense, the fatigue clear in her tone. Instinctively you’ve curled into yourself, as if the weight of her words will cause a physical strike.

"Is everything okay?"

"Got a bit of good news," she assures you with a soft sigh. "Doctor says maybe April, maybe. But that's only if. . . You know."

"Yeah, I know."

There's a long pause in which you can hear the static sound of hospital beeps and intercoms. Then her voice is back, fainter than before. 

"Do you think you might come visit?"

You lower the phone from your ear, unable to listen to this request. The same request you've received for the last eight months. The same request you’ve denied over and over.

"I don't think it's a good idea," you say when you finally bring the phone back to your ear. The house’s address glints in the fading sunlight, drawing your attention. "Anyway, I gotta go to work. Love you."

You close your cell phone before she even has the chance to say goodbye. With a hollow feeling in your stomach you focus on the note you'd written yourself with Joel's address, double checking you’ve got the right place. 

You look up to see a modest looking home with dark yellow exterior and white accents. For some reason this strikes you as odd, not meshing with the vision you have of the man. 

The lawn is well maintained, the porch sturdy and polished looking. This doesn't surprise you given his career. There is a rocking chair out the front porch and you imagine Joel sitting there and scaring all the neighborhood children. 

You knock on the heavy wooden door feeling strangely out of place. You're still not sure why Joel wanted you of all people to babysit Sarah. Joel with his strict adherence to all things his way or the highway. 

You hear heavy footsteps over creaking wood floors approaching the door and you subconsciously tense.

Joel opens the door wide and you note that with his hair slicked back from the shower, curling past his ears he resembles his younger brother more. He's dressed in dark slacks and a white button down. A narrow black tie hangs loosely at his lean throat. You'd say he cleans up nice but under all of that he's still annoying Joel Miller. 

He eyes the Wal-Mart bag in your hand with suspicion before darting his dark eyes back to your face. 

"What's in there?"

"Crayons, coloring books," you glance into the plastic bag to remind yourself. "Snacks. Water."

"You think I don't have those things here?" Joel says in a voice that sounds neither amused or irritated. 

“Never been here," you shrug. "Wasn't sure what to expect."

He says nothing more but his broad shouldered frame recedes back, allowing you space to enter. You walk over the threshold, your eyes scanning his place. 

The house looks like every other box home on the street, which surprises you. You'd assumed that as a carpenter there would be more artistic touches like in Frank and Bill's home. 

It's more nondescript with dark burgundy walls and a kitchen table littered with mail and that mornings cereal bowls (you pray it's from that morning). Joel seems to notice your gaze because he promptly reaches over and takes them to the sink. 

"Sarah goes to bed at seven thirty. She's already in her pyjamas. All she needs is to brush her teeth." Joel is rinsing the bowls and putting them in the dishwasher.

"Snacks are in there.” He points to the tall pantry door. "And I've left my cell, her doctor's number and Tommy's, not that it'll do you any good because he's an island away on some romantic retreat. Anything goes wrong you call me." 

You nod, your attention drawn to studying your surroundings. This place seems too domestic, almost bland. After a cursory look around you decide that it doesn't fit Joel. 

But then again what does? A funeral home? A crypt?

"Shouldn't be home too late," Joel mutters, wiping his damp hands on the fuzzy hand towel hanging from the arm of the stove.

"Okay." You think of his meeting he’s going to tonight. "Good luck with the bid."

"Thanks," Joel says distractedly moving to the bottom of the stairs and calling up. "Sarah! The candy lady is here!"

He must see the confusion on your face because an uncharacteristic smirk is tugging at the corner of his mouth.

"She's been talking about her friend 'the candy lady' every day since she met you," he explains. "Guess you made an impression." 

You realize now that this is why Joel wanted you to babysit. Because Sarah won't stop talking about you. You feel strangely touched by that, given that you'd only interacted with her for ten minutes.

You have no time to respond to Joel because Sarah is at the top of the stairs in dolphin pyjamas’ and her freshly washed hair in plaited pigtails. When she sees you her face breaks into a wide smile. 

"You're here!"

Holdig the railing she climbs down the stairs as fast as her short legs will allow. You can't help but find her enthusiasm endearing. She stands in front of you seconds later, her cheeks flushed with delight. Her mouth is smeared with that looks like blue icing. In one hand she holds the infamous toad, the other stretches out to you. 

"Wanna play Barbies?"

"Not so fast," Joel says as he drops to his knees, capturing her eyes with his as he uses the hand towel to wipe away the icing at the curve of her mouth. "You be good, huh?"

"Yes Daddy," Sarah says but her eyes are on you, distracted. "I have a mermaid Barbie and ---"

"Sarah," Joel says bringing her attention back to him with his tone. "You listen to her and you go to bed when you're supposed to or there's no park tomorrow. Love you." 

He presses a kiss to the top of her head and pauses when Sarah presses a small hand to his elbow and holds up toad. 

"Don't forget, daddy."

Joel gives a short sigh before giving toad a peck on the top of his fuzzy head. You hold in a smirk at this. 

"G'night toad. Make sure Sarah brushes her teeth."

Joel stands, shaking his head amused when Sarah immediately turns her attention back to you almost shouting your name.

"Want me to show you my toys?"

"Sure," you say allowing her to take your hand and guide you into the den. She excitedly begins showing you the large collection she has. 

Within minutes you're laughing so hard at something Sarah says that you don't hear Joel leave, closing the door gently behind him. 

Sarah is a funny kid. You'd suspected it after you first met her, but an hour later this opinion is solidified. She's currently got her Barbie on a date with her stuffed toad. When you asked her why this was she hadn't even taken a pause before responding.

"You said you had toad boyfriends so Barbie has one too." 

You continue on like this for a bit until Sarah decides she wants to show you her Pokémon cards, and then her Polly pockets. It goes on like this until the carpet is littered with her toys.

The den where you sit and play feels warm and lived in. The plush sofa is under a large window. To one side is the fireplace with a television mounted overhead. The DVD player is set up to the side in a cabinet that also houses many kids DVDs and plenty of board games. The coffee table is a light wood, holding a remote, TV guide and several coloring books. 

On the other side of the room is a large wicker basket that houses most of Sarah's toys and a built-in unit that holds a record player and a very impressive looking vinyl collection. On the wall hang three guitars, all beautifully maintained but dusty from disuse. 

A quick glance at your watch confirms it's almost seven thirty. Normally you wouldn't be too stringent but you don't know how Joel would be if he knew you'd let her stay up. You’re not friends with Joel, barely even on good terms and you have no interest in getting in even deeper to his bad books.

"Okay bug," you say without thinking. "Time for bed."

"My name isn't bug," she says exasperatedly, as if you're the silliest idiot she's ever come across. "It's Sarah remember?"

"I remember," you say good-naturedly as you begin to put the toys she'd brought out back in the big toy basket. "It's just what my mom calls me sometimes. Just slipped out, sorry."

Sarah looks at you for a long while, her tiny face thoughtful. After a beat she helps you load the basket of toys back up. When you're finished she looks over at you seriously, her large eyes unblinking up at you. 

"You can call me bug if you want."

You nod before standing, holding a hand out to her. 

"Time to brush those teeth," you say cheerfully as if brushing one's teeth is one of the world's most exciting pastimes. 

"I already did," Sarah says looking at the Pokémon cards still in her hands. She's not paying attention to you. 

"Sure," you say with an eye roll. "Well I'm glad you did otherwise the sugar monsters would never leave you alone."

Sarah pauses, sharply darting her eyes to yours as the cards are dropped into the toy basket. "Sugar monsters?"

"Oh yeah," you say casually. "They eat the tongues of children who don't brush their teeth. I guess because of the sugar." 

You pretend to busy yourself folding a nearby blanket. But you can hear the wheels turning in her young head.

"You're lying," Sarah finally says with a conviction that belies the terror clearly shown in her face. 

"Maybe I am, maybe I'm not," you shrug with a voice full of sunshine. "But you don't have to worry about that, Sarah. You said you brushed your teeth, right?"

Sarah looks conflicted as you head towards the stairs. After a moment of deep contemplation she comes to a solution. 

"I'll brush them again just in case."

"Good idea."

You smile guiding her upstairs even though you have no idea where the bathroom or even her bedroom is. She’s chatting to you, distracting you so that when you push open the first door on your left, you’re surprised to find out it's Joel's bedroom. You know this immediately because this feels like Joel. 

Grey walls with navy wainscotting halfway up surround a very neat but very plain bedroom. One large window with closed blinds overlooks an old dresser with a half opened bottom drawer. A white t-shirt is half-hung over it.

The bed itself is plain and made with tan sheets under a navy coverlet and two off white pillows. A white fan stands in the corner whirring the late heat gently. There are no pictures on the walls aside from a framed photo of a horse above the bed.

Jesus, why must men above a certain age put horses on everything?

You think this as your eyes catch sight of the lotion bottle on the nightstand beside the bed. It doesn’t strike you as strange at first, but it's the unopened box of Kleenex next to it that sends you backing out of the room at a quick pace almost knocking Sarah over. 

"Oops."

Sarah is laughing at your horrified reaction, pulling your hand to the bathroom. 

It's clearly hers because it's decorated with a purple bath mat and she's got a small sparkly purple toothbrush beside bubblegum flavored toothpaste. She even has a purple spotted stool to stand on so she can reach the sink. 

You watch her brush her teeth thoroughly, pausing only to ask you if sugar monsters like bubblegum flavored toothpaste (you assure her they do not). 

Then she leads you to her bedroom, pressing the door open with both hands as you enter behind her. 

Her bed with its ceiling gripped canopy is a light lavender color. The walls are a pale lilac. Her sheets are purple with little white roses all over them. The dresser on the far side is a light eggplant and the fuzzy chair in the corner next to the bookshelf is a mix of purple shades. 

"I have never seen so much purple in all my life," you say in awe. 

"It's my favorite color."

She pulls herself onto her bed with a grunt, making sure that toad is propped up next to her before slipping under the covers.

"Daddy always reads me a book before bed."

You have no way of knowing if this is true but the sun hasn't quite set in the window and you feel like you can still hear some of the older kids outside having fun. You remember how torturous that felt when you were a kid. 

"Which one?"

"Curious George."

You go to her little bookshelf and bring out one of the slim yellow books. You smile at her as you shuffle back, going to sit at the bottom of her bed to read when she sits up.

"You lay here," Sarah informs you pointing to the pillow next to her.

Bossy little thing.

You do as she instructs before opening the book to read. You make sure that she can see all the pictures and you tell the story of how curious George got his own bike. 

Sarah interrupts you only once to tell you that she herself has a purple bicycle and you respond with what you feel is an appropriate level of enthusiasm. Other than that she lays next to you quietly looking at the pictures, and twisting a tendril of your hair absently through her fingers. 

"You do good voices," Sarah tells you when you finish the book. You know that it's the truth because children could care less when it comes to protecting someone's feelings. 

"Thanks, you're a good audience."

You bring the sheets to her chin and smile down at her. On impulse you give her forehead a tiny peck and she grins up at you. 

"Night, bug."

"G'night." 

You turn on her little star nightlight before you go, shutting the door quietly behind you. 

You walk back to the den and pop on the TV. It's only eight, who knows when Joel will be back. You're not really too put out - this evening turned out much better than you expected. Sarah is so sweet and funny, plus seeing Joel with her makes interacting with him a little more bearable. 

He's still not your favorite person by any stretch of the imagination, but it is easier to think of seeing him in the future at events hosted by Maria and Tommy. 

A buzz comes from your hip and you flip open your phone reading the text that's just come through.

i really think u and I need 2 c each other

With a frown you shove your phone back into your pocket. 

You plop onto the sofa and turn on the TV. Friends is playing but even as you watch your focus drifts to the room around you and lands on those hanging guitars from before. 

You think of the song that you used to sing in another life, in front of a cheering crowd as you bring down the nearest guitar (a Taylor 314ce if you’re not mistaken) tugging the strap over your shoulder. You strum absently before starting to sing softly. 

"We're talking away. I don't knowwwwhat I'm to sayyyawwshit," you fumble the chords but get back in tune. "I'll say it anyway. Today is another day to find -"

You pause when you think you hear the sound of creaking wood. A few moments of silence pass and you pull off the guitar and set it on the sofa. You creep silently to the bottom of the stairs expecting to catch Sarah trying to sneak down but, no, nothing is there. It's just the sound of the house settling. 

You give yourself an internal shake before heading into the kitchen. You dig around in the Wal-Mart bag you brought and pour one of your coke cans into a mug with ice. You pull out the coloring book and crayons you bought. You forgot to tell Sarah about them earlier. You decide to just leave them there on the counter as a gift for her to wake up to tomorrow. 

You open the book cover open and with a crayon you write a simple message:

To Sarah,

Make the world a little more colorful.

Love Toad

Still sipping your coke you go back to the den, wandering around the space slowly. In the quiet of the night you have time to look around in more detail. There is a large painting of a deer in a beautiful landscape by the back door (men and animals, Christ) and you come upon several framed photos hung on the walls. 

One of them is Joel holding Sarah when she was just a baby. Another one of Tommy and Sarah on the Ferris wheel waving to the photographer (undoubtedly Joel). There aren't really any recent ones though and not one of any woman who could be Sarah's mother.

This seems so strange to you. You've known plenty of divorced people that still co-parent. But you barely know Joel and can't ask him why his situation is so different. Maybe if you were to ask Maria... But then again that would mean you had actual interest in Joel's personal life and that was pushing it. As soon as you left this house you would go back to your mutual ambivalence.

You pause when you hear the sound of Joel's truck pulling up into the driveway, a low rumble out the front door. A glance at your watch tells you it's only ten, and you hope everything went well for him. If it did that means Tommy will get to continue to spoil Maria. 

Joel walks in a few minutes later. His hair is dry now and you can see the curls wave slightly when he enters the kitchen. You approach him slowly, watching as he shrugs off his jacket and hangs it on the back of a nearby chair.

"How did the bid go?"

"Won't know until Tuesday but felt pretty good," Joel acknowledges. "Kathleen's tough to read sometimes. How was Sarah? She give you any trouble?"

"Nah, she was great actually," you admit with a grin. "She's a cool kid."

Joel raises his brows at this and you wonder if telling a parent their kid is cool is weird. For the second time this month you're wishing you knew more about kids. 

"She brush her teeth?"

"Yep."

"Good. She's always fighting me on it."

You see Joel reach for his wallet and cringe. You’d forgotten about this part of the evening and for some reason being paid by him feels embarrassing. You’re not a teenager doing this for shopping money. This is just a favor.

"I'm gonna head out."

"I'm paying you for your time," Joel insists, his brows furrowing. "You did me a favor."

"Not really," you reason as you bring your purse over your shoulder. "It was Maria I was doing the favor for. If I didn't, she and Tommy couldn't have gone away."

Joel falters and you hope he didn't take what you said the wrong way. It makes you think of the first time you met, how a simple miscommunication fucked everything from the start.

Maybe it's time to just get everything out in the open.

"Hey, the first night we met," you begin but see Joel's eyes go to the den and harden. Your gaze follows suit and you see the guitar sitting on the sofa. 

"Oh shit, I forgot to put it b-"

"You played it?" Joel demands. His tone leads you to believe that no worse thing could happen to an instrument than being played.

"Uh, yeah," you say pausing a moment. "It was covered in dust so I figured it doesn't get played much."

"You always go to people's houses and touch their shit without permission?"

Woah. Where did that come from?

Weren't you just about to lower your proverbial weapons?

Joel is suddenly fuming and you find yourself own anger spiking in response. 

"Nope, only when I'm doing them favors."

"Thought it wasn't a favor for me?" Joel snarks. 

Fuck this. 

You pull on your purse and leave without another word. 

/// /// /// /// ///

It's Sunday afternoon. You are at James' apartment in the trendy part of Austin working on the sanctuary proposal. 

At least that's what you said you were going to do. 

He currently has you bent over his kitchen counter with your jeans and panties around your ankles as he fucks you hard from behind.

"You feel so fucking good," James pants over you, his face contorted in pleasure. He thrusts into you from behind, one hand gently placed at the small of your back. "Taking my cock so well,"

He continues to groan above you as you hold in an eye roll, your cheek rasping against the cool marble counter. Dirty talk doesn't sound right coming from James. 

Aside from that, he's really not bad at all, above average in size and he has a healthy respect for foreplay. It's just your mind is elsewhere and you can't really find it in yourself to surrender to the pleasure. 

He grunts lowly in his throat, his hips slamming into your ass with vulgar slapping noises. You try to get into it, but after what feels like an eternity you glance over your shoulder between thrusts and just tell him to finish. 

"You're distracted," James observes a short while later after you've both washed up. He gives a long sniff, looking at you anxiously. 

"Yeah," you nod, sitting across from him at his table. You've got your notes in front of you, along with some amateur blueprints you've come up with. "Lots of pent up energy."

"Normally sex helps with that," James says looking nervous, like it's his fault you didn't come. It's really not, but considering this was your first attempt at a casual hookup you can see why he may be a bit anxious. 

"Just a lot on the go," you explain. "Nothing to do with you."

"Is it the grant?"

"Partly," you nod. "I'm pretty pissed off about it. I know that we did what we needed to do, but that doesn't mean I'm happy that the kennels are yet again delayed."

James looks at you nodding. "Wish I could help."

"You did all you could," you relent. "Without you we never wouldn't have gotten money to get the office fixed and apparently it was in critical condition."

"Still, I'm sorry about the kennels."

"Yeah, me too," you admit before going back to the blueprints.

It’s probably not fair but you blame Joel for it. You’re convinced if he hadn’t come in and shoved his big nose into things that weren’t his business you would have your kennels. Then again maybe you’re still just pissed off about last night.

The two of you work quietly across from one another until James pipes up again. 

"Do you think we should try more than just sex?"

You narrow your eyes at him. "I'm not interested in, like, role-playing stuff if that's what you're suggesting."

James gives an embarrassed laugh. "No. I meant maybe we should try doing other things like, I dunno, going to the movies or something?"

Going to the movies?

You weren't expecting this from James. You'd thought this casual sex thing was a good idea and could work quite nicely for the both of you. After Paul you'd just wanted a physical release without the emotion. James had been such a nice, easy choice. 

Up until now, that is. 

"Not really," you say before pausing, considering the bluntness of your reply and the knowledge that you have to work with this man seated across from you. "Unless, you were thinking we should?"

"I mean, I think it'd be nice," James says with a shrug of his shoulders. 

You take a moment to look at him objectively. When you'd first started working with one another a few years ago you remember thinking he was decent looking. He'd dropped numerous hints but you'd been with Paul and weren't a cheater, so the attraction had never been something you focused on. 

Now though, with his light eyes and sandy brown hair normally hidden under a green cap you can admit he's cute. He's tall and lithe and dresses like a retired pastor, but bad fashion isn't a deal breaker for you. 

"Okay. Sure."

He looks impossibly relieved. 

"How about Saturday? There's that new zombie flick showing at seven."

"Sounds great"

/// /// /// /// /// ///

"Tommy better get here soon. I refuse to be disqualified because your boyfriend has poor time management skills."

Maria and you are sitting in a booth in the back of the Tipsy Bison. It's a busy night with trivia and wings being the big selling point. You and Maria love both. Maria has just finished telling you all about her weekend away ("I'm so into him. I think I love him!") And is now into her second helping of wings. 

"He still has ten minutes," Maria defends, looking at her wristwatch before biting into another piece of lemon pepper chicken. 

Tommy has been joining you at your trivia nights every so often and you don't actually mind at all. He fits in with your humor and he's great at the sports categories. 

"We wanted to try that new tapas place next weekend. You wanna come?"

"Can't. Got a date."

Maria drops the wing bone onto her plate with a dramatic flair that feels completely unnecessary. 

"Excuse me? Since when?"

"Since James asked me," you reply, feeling the blood rushing to your cheeks. You put all your attention on your Cajun wing, hoping that your refusal to meet her eyes will get you off the hook.  

"No way!" Maria is smiling widely. "James the accountant?" 

"He does some of our finances if that's what you mean," you pause to take the quiz paper and golf pencil from the waitress. "Thanks."

"Have you slept together?"

Maria is staring at you and you write the name of your team at the top of the paper, pretending you didn't hear her. But the flush is back to your cheeks.

"I knew it!" Maria crows victoriously. She slaps the table loudly. "That's why you were in such a good mood on Sunday! I remember thinking 'no one is that excited to work on a weekend'."

"Well, good job detective," you say drolly. "Hopefully you can use those same skills for trivia tonight because I refuse to lose to those bitches again."

You glare over at the booth across from you at the group of silver-hairs that attend every trivia night like it's their job since retirement. They all wear oversized matching blue t-shirts with "Merryatrics" emblazoned on the front. 

Myrtle, the leader of the group lowers her pint and slants a sneer at you that you emphatically return. 

"We are not losing to Myrtle again," Maria swears. She's about to say something more when she smiles over your shoulder.

"Hey baby!"

Tommy saunters over, pressing a light kiss to her lips. You're about to greet him with a wave when another figure strides into your field of vision.

You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

"Sarah's at a play date tonight so I dragged this guy out to join the team," Tommy says shaking off his jacket and taking a seat next to Maria. “Figured another person can only help.”

"You're soaked!" Maria clucks her tongue, sliding her arms around Tommy's middle. 

"It's pissing down rain tonight," Tommy says with a nervous look out the window before pulling Maria closer to him. "Guess you'll have to warm me up, huh?"

You roll your eyes watching as Joel begins shrugging off his own jacket and hanging it off the hook at the end of the booth. He too is damp from the storm outside. 

You go to say something cutting about not needing Joel to slow your team down but you can feel Maria's eyes on you. 

Remember your promise. Remember the deal you made with Joel.

"Hey," he rasps glancing over at you with a wary look. "Hope you don't mind me joining."

"Not at all," Maria answers for you. "Come sit, it's about to start."

There's only the space next to you in the booth, so you squeeze closer to Maria as Joel slides in next to you. His thigh grazes yours before he orders a bottle of Lonestar for himself and Tommy. 

"Storms pretty bad," Joel offers the table. "Heard it might get worse this week."

"Power outage might be just what we need," you say with a laugh. 

"Yeah maybe that way we'll beat the Merryatrics," Maria frowns. "Sick of losing to them."

“Bitches.”

You think you can see Joel smirking at that. You shift to look at him out the corner of your eyes. Up so close to him you can see the patch on his chin where his beard doesn't quite touch, the lines between his brows and how dark his eyes are. 

He's wearing a dark red flannel over a black t-shirt. You're surprised to find he smells pretty good considering he came from the job site and it’s raining like hell outside.  He smells like wood shavings and laundry detergent. 

"How did babysitting go?" Tommy asks you from the other end of the booth, his arm slung over Maria's shoulder as she leans into him. "We appreciate it by the way."

"Was no problem," you answer him honestly. "Sarah's a cool kid. Funny."

"Well she sure can't stop talking about you," Tommy says taking his bottle from the waitress. "When I saw her this morning she was working on some coloring page I was supposed to give to you. I left it in the truck."

"That's so sweet!" Maria gushes, her hand on her heart. She looks at you with gratitude and you hope that this interaction is enough to make up for being so hostile with Joel in the past.  

"I'm sure you're exaggerating," you say shyly twisting the straw in your new water glass. "We just played some games and I read her a story."

"It's true," Joel rasps from beside you, surprising you. "Sarah can't stop talking about how much fun she had with you. And she's, uh, been asking when you're coming back."

He clears his throat as you glance over at him. It seems you really did make quite an impression on Sarah. 

"Really?"

Joel nods over at you. His eyes dart along your face and he looks about to say something when a loud voice breaks over your group.

"Whose ready to do some sick triviaaaaaaaa?"

The four of you glance over at the host, a man in his twenties named Tyler who loves trivia more than he loves baggy jeans (and judging by the fact that you can see his boxers very clearly, he really loves baggy jeans). He makes sure every team has an answer sheet and pencil before he starts.

“First question we have today is about sports!” Tyler shouts over the growing crowd. What type of golf clubs are used for long shots from the tee or fairway?”

The Merryatrics begin writing hurriedly on their answer sheet as you and Maria exchange a look of disappointment. This is not a category either of you know much on. In desperation you decide to use your additional manpower.

"How much do you know about golf clubs, Joel?"

"Not much."

Great.

Thankfully it turns out that Tommy knows plenty when it comes to the category. You and Maria know most when it comes to the Math, Science and pop culture category. Joel has a strangely gifted knowledge of literature. And by the time the halfway scores are tallied you and the Merryatrics are tied for first place. 

At the break you and Maria order more wings and the boys order burgers for themselves. Maria and Tommy chat quietly with one another, her head leaning on his shoulder sweetly. You notice she and Tommy have drunk far more than you and Joel.

You pick at your last Cajun wing, feeling strangely left out. You've never felt left out when with Tommy and Maria before. You muse it must be because Joel is here, and they think he is keeping you company. 

Joel must be feeling similarly to you because he looks awkwardly around the bar, tipping the last of his first beer into his mouth. Out of the corner of your eyes you watch his lean neck bob as he swallows.

The music is soft in the back of the pub, lively and makes the mood between the two of you feel less tense despite the animosity you're still feeling towards him. As if he can feel your mind drifting to Saturday night Joel has shifted to turn his body more to face you in the booth.

"Sarah really did enjoy when you were over," Joel says in a rush, as if this conversation is hard for him. "She wanted me to ask you to come babysit her again. If you have time. And I'll pay you of course. I do insist on that, 'cuz it's a job and your time is worth something." 

Memories of how your last babysitting job ended with Joel don't exactly kindle interest in this proposition. You thin your lips, turning the chicken wing over in your fingers as you contemplate before dropping it next to a half eaten piece of celery. 

"And you can play all the guitars in the house that you want," Joel adds exhaling slowly, his focus fixed on you. "I'll even throw in a bongo drum if that'll seal the deal."

You know how much this must hurt him, having to ask you of all people for a favor. It's a testament to how much he loves his daughter and that's the only reason you don't make it more difficult for him. 

"I was under the impression that babysitting Sarah was kind of Tommy's thing," you say, wiping your finger tips with the damp napkins provided. "I wouldn't want to intrude on that."

Joel motions to Tommy and Maria giggling to themselves at the end of the booth.

"If I'm honest, I think Tommy'll be even more excited to have you babysit than Sarah. It’ll free up more of his time." 

The waitress arrives back with the burgers, placing them in front of the boys. You're thankful for the break. You need to think about this. Yes, you really enjoyed hanging with Sarah but more Joel time isn't exactly worth it.

"Do you and your girlfriend want more?" the waitress asks looking at Joel and motioning to the plate of half eaten wings in front of you. You go to assure the waitress that Joel Miller is not and never will be your boyfriend, but he’s already talking, distracted by your previous conversation.

"You want more?" Joel asks your surprised face. You shake your head and he turns back handing the bone-filled plate to the waitress. "Nah, thanks sweetheart."

The waitress takes it, smiling prettily at Joel before quickly moving from the table. You expect that Joel will be following her form sashaying away, but he’s distracted, looking at you waiting for your answer. 

Thankfully you're rescued from answering his questioning look by Tyler who comes back with an air horn he beeps as he gets to the front of the room. 

"Y'all ready for round two?!"

By the time you reach the final question Maria and Tommy are giggling drunken idiots and you and Joel are hunched over the beer stained answer sheet, focused intently on the young man with oversized pants at the front of the pub reading off his card. 

"And for the final question of the final round," Tyler drawls dramatically. "This planet has the tallest mountain in the solar system.”

Fuck. Space has never really been your thing outside of the odd horoscope you read in the paper.

“And just to keep it interesting,” Tyler calls from the front. “An extra point goes to the team who can name this tallest mountain. You have one minute." 

A hushed 'ooooo' goes through the pub at this. You turn your attention to the answer sheet, Maria's hand is gripping the gold pencil so tightly you're worried she might break it.

"Jupiter?" Maria offers through her drunken haze. "That's the one with rings right? It should have mountains."

"What kind of logic is that?"

"What about Uranus?" Tommy suggests with a short laugh that Maria grins at.  

"Tommy this is serious and you're drunk," you tell him pointedly. Joel is quiet behind you, rubbing at his forehead with his eyes closed. He's probably just willing the game to end soon. You still haven’t given him an answer about Sarah and you have a feeling he’s just holding out for it.

Myrtle and her band of Merryatrics are writing and then looking over at you with smug smiles. It creates a blind panic in you that makes your mind draw a blank.

“Earth," you suggest inspired as the seconds tick by. "It's a trick, gotta be. Mount Everest." 

Maria nods in agreement, and you watch her write down a sloppy "Earth/Mount Everest" on the sheet before a large hand stills your wrist. Joel chest presses into your shoulder as he moves in and drops his voice. 

"It's Mars. Olympus Mons."

You look at Joel over your shoulder with a wrinkled nose. "What? How do you know that?"

"Sarah's really into space right now," Joel explains with a shy shrug. "She made me get her a bunch of books from the library. We were just reading one last week and it had this Olympus Mons on it, I’m positive."

You and Maria exchange a look. This answer determines whether or not you beat the seniors team. Myrtle and her team are chatting anxiously with one another. You give one last glance at Joel over your shoulder.

"Trust me."

You consider his words before turning back to Maria who had insisted on writing the answer despite her writing growing increasingly sloppy with each question. You take the pencil from her hand despite her protestations because you can't take a chance at fucking this up.

"Let's do it," you urge. "Mars. Olympus Mons." 

You finish just as the final cow bell tolls. The papers are collected and brought to Tyler who says he will be reading out the winners shortly.  The four of you are all sitting shoulder to shoulder, watching Tyler tally the scores from all the cards, so intent you almost don't hear Joel next to you. 

"Fuck, now I'm not sure if was Mars. Maybe it was Jupiter."

You turn on him with wide eyes and a scowl. "Are you serious?"

"Nah," he says taking a sip from his water glass, his eyes dancing. "Just wanted to rile you up. Seems pretty easy to do."

You want to be irritated at that but instead you laugh in both relief and surprise. "Is it a crime to want to win? To be . . . "

You break off as you search for a word that sounds better than "terrifyingly intense in the face of trivia". 

"Passionate?" Joel offers with a quirked brow. 

"Exactly," you nod vigorously. "I'm just very passionate."

You smile at one another and you swear for a moment it almost looks like Joel checks you out. His eyes are darting around your face and trying to subtly dart to your collar without being obvious. You feel your cheeks get hot at the thought. 

Tyler breaks into this moment with his long, squeaky voice. 

"And the winners are... the Quizards of Oz!”

You've won. 

After 7 months of trying to knock those geriatric fucks out of the trivia top spot, you’ve done it.

"YES!" 

Maria whirls into Tommy's arms, pumping her fist in the air with a shriek. You are equally enthused, half standing in the booth and giving a loud roar of victory before pointing at Myrtle and the rest of the seniors who give you baleful looks. 

"BEAT YOU! YES! TAKE THAT YOU HAGS!" 

Joel is staring up at you half crouched in the booth pointing aggressively at a group of angry looking seniors before his eyes go over to see Tommy and Maria making out passionately.  

You drop back into your seat, your face flushed. Joel looks incredulously from the angry senior citizens group back over to you pink and giggling. 

"Do I want to know what has you brutal enemies with a group of eighty-year-old women?"

"They know what they did," you say giving the group of glaring old women a sneer. 

The waitress comes over with your bills after this. You all pay and the waitress pulls out an envelope from her apron pocket. 

"Congrats y'all," she says handing you the envelope. "Didn't think we'd ever see the Merryatrics lose!"

"S'bout time!" Maria slurs from beside you. 

You take the envelope with pride, tucking it into your purse and sighing back into your booth as if you just succeeded in being accepted into the hall of fame.

You notice the waitress push something across the table to Joel, it looks like it is another receipt but you recognize looping handwriting with a name and what you can only assume is her phone number.  You notice the tips of Joel's ear pinking as he notices it, but he turns his attention over to you, amused at your blissed-out reaction to winning.

"What's the prize?" 

"A ten dollar gift certificate here."

"That's it?" Joel laughs - actually laughs - at this. "All that work for a ten bucks to a pub with barely passable food?"

"It's the principle!" you snicker back, tickled at his reaction.

Joel smiles at you, but this is a new one. This smile you've not had directed at you before. It makes his eyes crinkle until they almost disappear, his teeth shining and the dimple in his right cheek deepens. 

"And winning has put me in such a good mood that I'm gonna agree to babysit for you, Miller."

"Really?" 

"Yeah," you say beaming. You're still high on the victory. Maria leans over in your direction. 

"Great," Joel smiles at you. "Sarah's gonna be -"

"What are you two whispering about?" Maria interrupts with glassy eyes and a crooked smile. She's tipsy and trying to hold in a giggle. "Whisper whisper."

"Babysitting and we're not whispering you fool," you reply, amused at her drunkenness. You dart a look back over at Joel to see that he's holding back a laugh. 

"Ooooh," Maria looks over at Tommy. "She's gonna babysit for Joel!"

"I knew it!" Tommy replies equally drunk. "When?"

"Oh yeah, when?" You turn your attention back to Joel. 

"Saturday?"

"Sure -" you answer without thinking. But Maria has been listening and moves a hand by your face, waving emphatically.

"Nah, can't be Saturday," she informs Joel with glazed eyes. "She has a date that night with James."

"The co-worker?" Tommy slurs behind her.

"Yeah and she hasn't dated anyone since Paul so she's gotta go and have proper sex with him." 

"Maria!" You say with a horrified look. You don't need Joel and Tommy Miller of all people knowing the details of your pitiful sex life. 

Maria throws a dramatic hand over her mouth and a smirking Tommy points at her as if she's been caught doing something terrible. "I'm sorry!" 

Joel has pulled himself from the booth and is glancing down at you as he pulls on his jacket. You give a shake of your head as if to say "what're we gonna do with these two knuckleheads?' He glances over at his brother leaning a sleepy head on an equally sleepy Maria's shoulder. 

"Guess we're the DD's tonight," you sigh as you pull yourself out of the booth. "Yet another reason to stay irresponsible."

He gives a smile that doesn't touch his eyes in return at the joke. You watch his attention dart back to the waitresses' phone number sitting there on the table, looking indecisive. He clears his throat awkwardly before quickly snatching it up and shoving it into the back pocket of his jeans.

"C'mon Tommy," Joel says pulling his brother to a stand with a grunt. You do the same with Maria. 

You watch as the Millers make their way out the door of the pub, wondering how you just spent an entire evening with Joel Miller and didn't hate it. 

[afeelgoodblog]

1. Girl with incurable cancer recovers after pioneering treatment

A girl’s incurable cancer has been cleared from her body after what scientists have described as the most sophisticated cell engineering to date. Alyssa, whose family do not wish to give their surname, was diagnosed with T-cell acute lymphoblastic leukaemia in May 2021.

Scientists at Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children in London gave her pre-manufactured cells edited using new technology to allow them to hunt down and destroy cancerous T-cells without attacking each other. Less than a month after being given the treatment, she was in remission, and was able to have a second bone marrow transplant.

Can I get a fuck cancer?

2. The UK has made gigabit internet a legal requirement for new homes

Updated regulations require new properties to be built with gigabit broadband connections and make it easier to install into existing blocks of flats across the UK. Connection costs will be capped at £2,000 per home, and developers must still install gigabit-ready infrastructure (including ducts, chambers, and termination points) and the fastest-available connection if they’re unable to secure a gigabit connection within the cost cap

3. US cancer death rate falls 33% since 1991

The rate of people dying from cancer in the United States has continuously declined over the past three decades, according to a new report from the American Cancer Society.

The US cancer death rate has fallen 33% since 1991, which corresponds to an estimated 3.8 million deaths averted, according to the report, published Thursday in CA: A Cancer Journal for Clinicians. Partly due to advances in treatment, early detection and less smoking, report says

. . .

Thank you for following. You can support this newsletter for less than a price of a cup of coffee:

Support with a coffee ❤️

Let’s continue with the good news…

. . .

4. Lab-grown retinal eye cells make successful connections, open door for clinical trials to treat blindness

Retinal cells grown from stem cells can reach out and connect with neighbors, according to a new study, completing a “handshake” that may show the cells are ready for trials in humans with degenerative eye disorders.

Over a decade ago, researchers from the University of Wisconsin��Madison developed a way to grow organized clusters of cells, called organoids, that resemble the retina, the light-sensitive tissue at the back of the eye. They coaxed human skin cells reprogrammed to act as stem cells to develop into layers of several types of retinal cells that sense light and ultimately transmit what we see to the brain.

5. The ozone layer is on track to recover in the next 40 years, the United Nations says

The Earth's ozone layer is on its way to recovering, thanks to decades of work to get rid of ozone-damaging chemicals, a panel of international experts backed by the United Nations has found.

The ozone layer serves an important function for living things on Earth. This shield in the stratosphere protects humans and the environment from harmful levels of the sun's ultraviolet radiation. In the latest report on the progress of the Montreal Protocol, the U.N.-backed panel confirmed that nearly 99% of banned ozone-depleting substances have been phased out.

6. Uganda declares an end to Ebola outbreak

The Ugandan government has declared an end to its Ebola outbreak, less than four months after cases were first reported. Since 20 September, 56 people have died from the virus, which is spread through body fluids, and there have been 142 confirmed infections.

The country has reported no new infections in more than 42 days – twice the maximum incubation period of the virus, a World Health Organization benchmark for a country to be declared Ebola-free.

7. Doggy ‘daycare’ bus in Alaska goes viral on TikTok

Check them out here:

- - -

That's it for this week. If you liked this post you can support this newsletter with a small kofi donation:

Buy me a coffee ❤️

Subscribe for more weekly wholesome news...

[seireitonin]

Ben and Sally getting along fluff when??? /j (no shipping lmao) ik probably not canon but AHHHHH

(Tee hee this is so cute. Since you put Ben and not BEN, I’m going to talk about the 12 year old boy and not the evil entity.)

•Since Sally and Ben both died pretty long ago they’re actually more mature than they look

• Sally for nostalgias sake, loves to play tea party still

•After all tea party was her favorite when she was alive in the 60s!

•Ben being born in the 90s and a boy who didn’t play it when he was alive, doesn’t fully get it, but joins her anyway. It’s like having a sister for him

• Sally who was born in the late 50s and died in the late 60s, doesn’t understand video games all that well but still plays with Ben the best she can

• Ben will sometimes let her win because he likes seeing her smile and cheer

• Ben loves playing hide and seek with her (fun fact it’s canon that Ben loves playing hide and seek :3)

• Sally kinda cheats by turning invisible though

• They find comfort in each other, both of them being children who were lonely and being tricked into dying

• They feel normal with each other, as if they never died and have a chance at growing up and being normal

• They stay up all night eat candy and watch their favorite movies together

• No need for health and sleep when you’re both already dead!

• Since they’re from different decades the movie choices are very different with all of Sally’s favorite movies being from the 40s-early 60s and Ben’s being from the 90s-early 2000s

• It’s like stepping into different decades for both of them and they love learning about each others time periods

• Despite popular belief, Ben’s actually a quiet and sweet kid

• Sally does more haunting than he does, most of his haunting is unintentional

• But he does watch her, thinks it’s interesting how scared people get.

• She’s just a little girl, right? What’s so scary about her? (She literally shows up in the darkness, bloody and talking in a creepy voice saying “play with me”) but they’re just overreacting! She’s totally normal in his eyes.

•Sally draws Ben pictures a lot!

• If Ben’s playing an RPG and he has the option to make his party members look how he wants them too, he’ll always base them off Sally and shows her

• This makes her beam with joy every time!

•Sally will watch him play video games and ask questions about literally everything

• He’ll answer all of them, he loves talking about video games and everything in them anyway and it makes him happy that Sally is interested

• Video games were his absolute favorite thing when he was alive that hasn’t changed now that he’s dead

• Sally knows that so she will absolutely let him talk forever about them, especially about how much he loves Link

• Sally’s favorite food is Lady Fingers

• Ben’s favorite is Pizza Rolls

• So they often bring each other those foods as presents

• (Ben has to ‘borrow’ lady fingers from the bakery in town, he doesn’t know how to make them lol)

• Sally and Ben don’t knock to enter each others rooms, they just appear like the ghosts they are

• Since Ben had trouble making friends growing up, he’s so grateful for Sally

• Sally’s grateful for him too, she feels so safe around him

• They’re basically attached at the hip

• Ben let’s Sally wear his hat

• Sally likes floating around with Ben, it’s something only the two of them can do together

• Loves floating in the sky with him when the stars are out

• Yay friendship!

[instructionsnotincluded]

i would love to just know some basic info about rosie <3

like what’s her favorite color? does she plan on having a family? her favorite movie/song/singer? (idk remember if this is inputted in previous asks or true mother but) how’s her relationship with her family like?

she’s just my girl and i lover her sm!

Rebecca Rose Phillips, Captain for the ATA! Deep red hair that is sometimes maroon in the right light, she loves the latest fashions and very much hates the rationing in England, but is thoroughly enjoying the shorter hem lines because of it.

Rose grew up in Georgia, but her family moved to South Carolina sometime in her yearly teenage years. She’s the youngest of three children, she has two older brothers. Her family is fairly close, she had a good childhood, did all the things southern girls of her age did. And all the things they were told not to do. She lost her virginity to her brother’s best friend after they moved and when he tried to propose she happily turned him down.

Rose started to learn to fly at sixteen, when her older brother learned, and she’s been in the sky ever since. Her oldest brother joined the army in the early 40s and passed in late 1941 after the Germans bombed a railway station in Norway. He never even saw any action and had been waiting on a transport to base. Which, after the initial grief, was when she decided to join the ATA.

Rose’s mother hasn’t spoken to her since she left, they had a massive argument when Rose joined and they both said very hurtful things. Her father sends her occasional care packages and updates her on what’s happening at home.

Her other brother is happily married and a doctor in North Carolina, he has four kids and Rose sends him condoms as a joke.

Rose’s favorite color is yellow, like the flowers that grow in the field outside her family’s house. Once Rosie finds out, he brings her one every time he sees her and that’s what has her falling for him. Among other things.

Rose likes all music, but she and Bucky bicker about it after the war. She prefers more lyrics than instruments and he disagrees. Rose loves to dance, and she’s dying to enter a few competitions. Begs Rosie to do one of those “last ones standing” competitions when they go meet her family.

Rose has a really tough exterior, her mother raised her to be a lady, but not one to be walked all over, and Rosie has a good time getting to the center of that toughness where she keeps her heart.

[johaerys-writes]

Do you know the approximate ages of all the main characters in The Iliad?

Hi anon! I haven't looked into this topic before tbh, and I feel like researching it thoroughly will take up a lot of time, so these are just off the top of my head!

Achilles was a teenager when Agamemnon called the men of Hellas to sail to Troy. By the time of the Iliad, he must be in his late 20s.

Patroclus is described as being slightly older, and therefore wiser, than Achilles and is sent to Troy to counsel him. So he must be in his early 30s in the Iliad.

Ajax is Achilles' cousin, and is said to have been trained by Chiron too. But I'm not sure if they trained at the same time? Telamon, Ajax's father, is the elder brother of Peleus, so if we assume that both these men had their kids at about the same age, then Ajax would be at least a few years older than Achilles. Maybe Ajax was sent to Chiron first, and then Achilles followed. I'm really not sure haha. But I would say he must be about mid to late 30s.

The sacrifice of Iphigenia is one of those myths that not everyone accepts as part of the Iliad, but I am one of those that believe that it should be read into the greater myth of the Iliad and the Epic Cycle (for various reasons that I will not go into now lol). Agamemnon and Clytemnestra had four kids, and Iphigenia was the oldest, who at the start of the Trojan war was at marrying age (let's say about 15). That means that Agamemnon must have been at the very least in his mid 30s when the war started (although men generally married older than the women). So in the Iliad he should be at least mid to late 40s.

Menelaus is Agamemnon's younger brother, so.... let's say he's late 30s, early 40s when the Iliad starts? Give or take?? My impression is that he's a quite a bit younger than Agamemnon but I don't remember a specific passage about it right now.

Odysseus left Ithaca after Penelope had just had Telemachus, so that would have been in the first or second year of their marriage. He must have been at least in his 20s when that happened, let's say mid to late twenties. He must be mid to late 30s in the Iliad.

Nestor is described as having seen two generations of men, and that he's still ruling as king in the third age, so I would assume he's FUCK old lmao. Probably 70s-80s in the Iliad, I would say.

Hector is Priam's oldest son by Hecuba, and he has 19 siblings by the same mother. The youngest son, Polydorus, is old enough to meet Achilles on the battlefield in the Iliad. I'm not sure in which order the children were born, but if we assume that Hector has at least a 10 year age difference with Polydorus, and that Polydorus is at least 15 in the Iliad, then we're already looking at a man who is in his mid to late 20s at the very least. But he's most definitely much older than that, because...

Helen's daughter, Hermione, is quite young when Helen leaves with Paris, but I'm not sure how old exactly. What we do know is that Helen spends 10 years in Troy before the Achaeans arrive, and then there's 10 more years of the war, so at the time of the Iliad she must be... late 30s? At least? And Paris is probably around the same age as her. And if Paris is in his late 30s, and he's Hector's younger brother, then Hector is even older than him. Which means that Hector is probably in his early 40s.

Priam has a ton of children, and he is generally described in the Iliad as a kindly and mild-mannered old man, so I would place him about Nestor's age. Virgil in his Aeneid has Priam be in his 80s when Troy is sacked, and I think that estimation is correct.

I think these are the main characters?? Don't think I've missed anyone lol. As I said, these are off the top of my head so if anyone has any corrections or additions they're welcome to add them <3

[abrahamvanhelsings]

CURRY. hi, it's me again just realized i should also have asked for metternich/rossini (i am 100% serious)

going to give you a 100% serious answer. do i think they fucked? not historically but do i think in another world they might have? by god. yes. i am not exaggerating when i say that metternich was genuinely one of rossini's biggest fans, and that's saying something bc rossini had half of europe eating from the palm of his hand at the height of his popularity. i haven't read much on their interactions, and i think there's nothing on their... situationship specifically. they're briefly mentioned in various literature, and im not sure where the primary sources concerning their relationship (like letters) can be found. it's kind of hard to get a good grip on what they were to each other, bc one author will simply say that rossini was metternich's favourite composer and then another will say they were friends. however i read an article on metternich's use of music in diplomatic settings recently, Damien Mahiet, 'The Musical Diplomacy of Metternich', Diplomatica 3:2 (2018), and that really got me thinking abt how they could've been something. in my mind. for real. going to add some screenshots here:

It's clear from this article at least that they interacted on a level that, to me, goes beyond 'guy who hired another guy', but that they really talked about music together. also, not unimportant to mention that metternich played the violin as an amateur himself, so he really did know what he was about! this is what i mean when i say they interacted on a more casual level:

extremely funny to me that rossini would complain abt this to metternich, like the gossip... these two were hitting it off. what's also really important to me is how metternich wrote abt rossini to dorothea lieven (the wife of the russian ambassador in london who he had a situationship with, also btw a very interesting woman bc politically she was arguably a more influential figure than her husband the ambassador):

"a very nice chap"

"he consistently touches a sensitive string in my heart" :')

metternich going 'fuck beethoven his vibes are miserable and his music repetitive. rossini is everything to me btw' has me on the floor lmfao?

"a lifelong passion for the work of rossini in particular"

rossini saying that metternich really understood music >> they were talking deep into the night i know it

in a wild turn of events metternich hated court life and the public, societal nature associated with politics and diplomacy. he really much preferred to be at home with his wife and children (and to have long conversations through letters with his mistresses, which is a whole other interesting aspect of his life, but before anyone starts making assumptions, i must state he was also happily married to his wives - id have to make a whole post abt early 19th century upper class relationship conventions and metternich's specific ideas on love to dive into this). but ?? to say abt listening to music, and apparently rossini's music in particular in such public settings, "i live in a moment when the rays of the sun enter the darkness of my jail" ?????

also there's these other bits that show metternich was SUCH a fan like he really did everything to get rossini to perform at places. and partly this was bc of his diplomatic efforts through music, of course, but that he chose rossini in particular is bc he thought he was the god of harmony and thee best person for the job. and i like to imagine he also wanted to talk to his bestie in person:

and ROSSINI STILL WROTE TO METTERNICH IN 1858 talking abt "the brilliant days" and their friendship from almost 40 years ago. brother.

so there's this for the historical aspect of their relationship. now it's of course also very interesting to me that metternich was considered to be very attractive by standards of the time, plus he was abt 20 years rossini's senior which :) i love me an age gap (and so did metternich's third wife as ive shown you lol). lot of ways to do something very interesting with this whole dynamic. plus i think there's plenty of room for angst if we consider metternich's conservative policies against rossini's politics which are always kind of... ambiguous, but there's a lot to say abt the opera's he created and what did and did not shine through in those. also the fact that despite whatever political differences they had it clearly did not prevent them from being friends bc of the power of music <3

[random-ln-stuff]

My thoughts and theories on the LN Podcast: Episodes 1 and 2:

Putting all this under a readmore because spoilers for Episode 1 and 2 of The Sounds Of Nightmares:

General Stuff.

The way people talk and the way things sound make me think that the story is talking place in the past, I’d date it to somewhere around the Late 40s or Early 50s, so that’s another point to Little Nightmares taking place in 1948 specifically.

This whole thing is very interesting. The world isn’t corrupted. Children and Adults don’t hate each other. Otto acts like a human being. The corrupted stuff is in Noone’s head, but I don’t think it’s all a dream.

I think the dreams Noone is having, showing the actual world of Little Nightmares, are either visions of another world, or are visions of something that’s going to happen. Either this non-corrupted world is a separate one from Little Nightmares’ world (which I will call Nowhere for now thanks to the Little Nightmares 3 Description) or my personal theory that I will be going with until it’s disproved: The Non-Corrupted world IS Nowhere, but before everything goes to hell. Noone’s dreams are prophetic.

My reasoning for the Prophecy Theory was started because of 3 things, and there’s more evidence to come in specific episodes.

Names for people and places follow a very similar pattern to in The Nowhere. The Place the story takes place in is simply called: The Counties, similar to places like The Nest, The Maw, or the Pale City. Otto (an Adult) is supposed to be referred to as “The Counsellor”, but doesn’t mind being called by his real name, and Noone (pronounced Noon) is mentioned to have chosen her own name, which is implied to be the origin of most child names.

In Little Nightmares, many of the dreams that children have are prophetic, showing events that will eventually happen or vaguely warning of future events. Six has a dream of the Lady the same day she encounters her, Mono dreams of the door before he ever starts seeing it and begins heading towards it, RK has a nightmare related to The Granny and RCG has a nightmare about barricading a shed door with something banging on the other side, which happens later exactly as she dreamt it.

The dreams Noone has are rather symbolic. The first episode is the better example of the two, but both aren’t really real locations in Nowhere. They’re symbolic representations of The Maw and Guests specifically.

Ep 1:

In this, Noone ends up inside a massive stone giant, and encounters the Ferryman for a brief moment. Like literally just the Ferryman. Fully described in the coat, hat and melted face and later referred to as the Ferryman (and the Candleman, a reference to the cut Wax Bellman from LN 1, who was initially cut from the game and then was remade Into The Ferryman and got put back in).

After that she goes deeper inside the giant to find a giant clockwork structure that keeps the giant alive and maskless shadow children working on it, keeping all the gears moving. After that she finds a starved, rotting man chained inside a bedroom and then she encounters A Tall Lady wearing chains with a face that’s been purposefully stretched out to remove any wrinkles or signs of age.

After that is more travelling before Noone and a Child she encounters in her dream find a courtyard where thousands of screams can be heard from other people, chained up and starved in their own rooms like the one Noone saw before. Then the Lady in Chains shows up again, kills the other kid and Noone wakes up.

Like I said before, this dream is heavily symbolic, but it’s obviously about the Maw and The Lady.

First off, the Ferryman is here. No symbolism, no speculation, he’s here and that immediately draws connections to the Lady.

Then there’s the Shadow Children, or the Workers, who I don’t actually think represent Shadow Kids found in the Maw. The workers represent Nomes, who keep the Maw (or in this case the Stone Giant) running. Despite being seen as antagonists, the Workers don’t actually do anything to Noone in the dream. They head towards her when she draws attention to herself, which scares her, but they never actually attempt to harm her. They just want a closer look at Noone in all of their appearances and they immediately back off once Noone’s dress tears and a piece gets stuck in the gears.

The Lady in Chains is very, very, VERY obviously the Lady. They’re a tall woman who is desperately trying to appear younger, stretching their skin to remove wrinkles. The chains that the Lady can seemingly manipulate may also represent her powers, and I’ll get into that in a moment.

Then there’s the chained man and the thousands of others just like them. They may represent Guests or something like that, but I think they represent something else: The souls of both Guests and Children alike that the lady has consumed after countless Maw Feasts.

My logic for this is that both the chained people and the Lady’s representation in the dream specifically involve chains. The Chained People are chained to walls in specific rooms, rotting and starving, and the Lady In Chains is constantly surrounded by chains, with chains literally coming off of her clothing and flowing underneath her dress. The Lady In Chains can also control those chains, manipulating them however she wants to and using them to ensnare a child, pulling them away to kill them. Now if the Lady In Chains is The Lady, then the Lady In Chains’ ability to control chains probably represent the Lady’s own ability to control her unique soul stealing shadow magic. And if chains in this dream represent the Lady’s Soul Stealing Magic, then it makes sense that the rotting, starving, tortured souls all chained up throughout the Giant in the dream are people that the Lady consumed. That’s what the Lady stealing your soul feels like. You are chained up by magic, starved and tortured by the Lady slowly breaking down your consumed soul until you no longer exist.

And the Lady In Chains has THOUSANDS of people chained up. Think about that in relation to the REAL Lady. Horrifying.

Also with the revelation that the Chained up people are souls that the Lady consumed and is slowly digesting/using up, you can make the claim that the Giant in the dream may ALSO be a representation of the Lady. After all, those people are chained up and imprisoned INSIDE the Giant, and Nomes may keep the Maw running, but by doing so they also keep the Lady running just as much.

Ep 2:

Here we hear a tiny bit about Otto’s beloved Cici (Sici? Sissi? It’s pronounced See-See), who could honestly be a lot of things right now. A lost lover, a lost child, a lost friend, a lost family member, but the important part right now is that Cici had similar dreams, or at least encountered the Ferryman in some them. Definitely going to be important later.

This dream is a lot more straightforward. Noone finds themselves in a town with another Child she’s never seen before named Jester. They wander for a short while before Noone sees the Ferryman again, exactly as he was before, and runs, separating from Jester in the process.

Also while in this town, Noone sees “Contraptions that resemble fish carrying large, extremely fat people wearing wooden masks and brown robes towards a Market and Bathhouse” (Seems familiar, right?)

When Noone enters the Bathhouse, she finds dozens of monstrous people washing themselves, and finds one of them using Jester to scrub themselves. When that monster sees her, it immediately forgoes cleaning and goes straight for her, chasing Noone until she accidentally brings a bottle of cleaning chemicals down onto both of them, killing them both and waking Noone up.

If it wasn’t immediately obvious, those are Guests. Extremely fat, Masked people wearing brown robes. The masks are wooden instead of whatever the hell actual Guest masks are made of, but everything else matches. Even the fish shaped contraptions moving the Guests towards the Market and Bathhouse make sense once you realize that the Bathhouse represents the Maw.

In this dream, Guests are brought to the Maw to feast, but some things are slightly off. Instead of food and gluttony, the Guests we see are obsessed with cleaning and cleanliness, but they’re still very clearly guests, endlessly heading towards a place that claims to be able to fulfill their endless needs.

Even their behaviour when seeing Noone matches with real Guests. When a Guest sees Noone it immediately forgets about cleaning itself or the child it’s carrying and goes straight for Noone, just like how real Guests always go for the freshest meat they can see, forgetting about the 5 star meal right in front of them when they can see meat that’s even fresher and harder to come by (a live child).

Prophecy Theory:

But then, why is everything slightly different and more symbolic than any other child dreams we see. Most of them are pretty straightforward? And what’s with the Ferryman? If these are all prophetic dreams, why does the Ferryman seem to be aware of it all?

Well, first I want to point something out.

In all Child Dreams in the games, the most powerful entities seem to have have some sort of awareness or control of some sort over the dream. In Six’s dream, the Lady turns towards her before she wakes up, seemingly aware that Six is looking in her direction, and when Mono dreams of the Door in LN2, the TV next to him turns on, possibly because either the Thin Man or Broadcaster (two separate, yet similar entities) was aware of what Mono was dreaming about.

Now with that in mind, The Ferryman IS as powerful as the North Wind, another extremely powerful entity, so it makes sense that in a prophetic dream, the Ferryman could be still aware of things.

As for why these dreams are so symbolic and hard to understand when most prophetic dreams are pictures and images of what’s to come, it’s because these events are VERY far away from happening. The Lady doesn’t appear as THE LADY despite possibly having awareness because The Lady doesn’t exist yet. The world hasn’t fallen under the influence of the Eye, and we KNOW that the Lady and the Maw only start everything they do AFTER things like the Signal Tower are built, which happens presumably AFTER or RIGHT AS the world goes to shit.

Noone’s dreams are all symbolic because her dreams don’t even know how to process or comprehend what’s coming. It can’t show the Lady or the Maw because Noone’s dreams can’t look that far and that accurately into the future, so they create the Lady In Chains, The Stone Giant, The Workers, and a dozen other representations of what’s coming because it can’t say for certain what things are going to look like. Only a rough guess at the eldritch horror that’s coming. Vague representations of The Lady and The Maw and the Nomes that keep it running. Somewhat accurate but still slightly off depictions of Guests heading towards the Maw in droves, etc.

But the thing is, the Ferryman is there. And the Ferryman is unchanged. And the Ferryman is aware that Noone is dreaming. That means that Noone’s prophetic child dreams are depicting the actual Ferryman.

And that means that the Ferryman actually exists somewhere out there in either Noone’s world or whatever dark corner of the universe that the Eye resides in.

We know next to nothing about the Ferryman besides the fact that he’s as powerful as the North Wind and chooses to work for the Lady (mean that the Lady is probably just as powerful). And now we know one more thing about him: He’s existed longer than any of the other monsters besides maybe the North Wind. Probably created by the Eye itself.

And keep in mind, in the actual games, There’s evidence that a world was here before us. Viewers couldn’t exactly have built the Pale City after all. And in those buildings, all over the place, you can find evidence that the Eye has been here for a VERY long time, it’s symbol found on many things from before the world presumably went to shit. The Eye has always been here, it’s just that relatively recently it went from “passive influence of various types” to “Plunge the world in chaos and darkness”. So the Eye definitely exists at the time that the podcast takes place, and so does the Ferryman and presumably the North Wind.

Also: The Ferryman has apparently been in ALL of Noone’s recent nightmares, and he wants her to “give in to this world”. Does he want Noone to give in so he can drag her further into it and probably claim her soul for the Eye, or does he want her to give in so he can escape THROUGH her, possibly bringing the Eye out along with him?

Anyways that’s my somewhat coherent rambling. Enjoy.

[642spaghettiprincess]

Cannon Critters in Critter form / their age

Russell/ Harris/ Callem

Death age = late 30s.

Actual age = late 70s

Let me explain why

Russell / Dogday. We will cast him aside. His voice and everything. Its no crap he's an middle aged man.

With the other two, however. Let me defend my case.

Harris / Bubba.

They would have needed someone to follow orders, yet was incredibly smart. You've seen the algebra on the Critters intro, correct? Most adults still hold the capacity of Algebra rather than children.

I'd feel that the scientists would have wanted someone that is very smart, yet takes orders. Like an employee at a job. Therefore, I also suspect Bubba to also be a War veteran at one point.

Because people with high amounts of truama (war vetrans) never forget

Now, With Callem / Kickin

They would have needed someone that was layed back, and will take orders. And even in the VHS tapes,

You can tell that it was an adult that sacrificed themselves for others safety.

Also, Children do not know how to stay calm in stressful situations. So do most adults in stressful situations. Rather I also suspect him to be a war veteran, becuse they are clam in most stressful situations and know survival skills to survive.

Now, onto the others.

Picky (Unknown) I would suspect her death age to be 20s - 30s.

Actual age = 60s / 70s

Alot of adults (mainly women) are very diet based. They surround their whole culture / lives around it. Children, and teens, do not. Also, elderly folk also do not.

Also, if she was an adult (being motherly like) it would also explain the fact of how she can handle Canniblism/ understanding of what it is TO SURVIVE. Children and teens do not understand that.

Hoppy and Crafty (Unkown) = Early = late teens.

Actual age = 40s / 50s

Let me explain this. Hoppy, very energetic and surrounds her whole life in competition. Teenagers are competitive. And alot of teenagers are into sports or Arts. Not only that, there are more tomboy teens, then there are tomboy children.

Now, with Crafty. Teenagers (like I mentioned) alot of Teen girls, are into art and drawing. Even though this is a stereotype, I have seen more Teen girls with note pads and crayons, then they do other things. And even though children draw and doodle, they do not surround their whole personality around art until they are older and finding their hobbies.

Also, since Hoppy and Crafty are teens and into this field, they would be good role models to children to get them to be more creative in their tastes.

Bobby (Unkown) Death age = 5/7

Actual age = 30/40s

Young children are clingy. They also are very loving and want attention and have spereration anxiety. This is around the time parents struggle with dropping their kids off at school without their kids having a tantrum over separation. This is also the time young kids cling onto anyone they can find as a friend. They do not have a whole personality besides social skills and mostly togetherness. Bobby does not have the survival skills to survive (vhs tape) since she starved herself trying to find a friend or someone to be with. Young kids fear loneliness.

Now, Bobby would be someone that would constantly would want attention. Being surrounded by anyone no matter the cost. Someone like her, would be a good actor / addition to Bobby.

Okay, and now Theo.

In my AU, Theo is split into two.

Theo and Teo

(I will explain why)

Catnap / Theo = 3/4

Actual age 30s / 40s

Young children this age are very shy and struggle trusting adults. And they will do anything to get away from them. However, the creators mentioned, that Catnap has a soft spot for children.

What's also a coincidence is that toddlers will mimic children to be like them. As a role model in that sense. Catnap, also doesn't have the survival skills to survive either.

Now, With the reason why Catnap is split in half is because he is ignoring his child instincts and curiosity, and has basically forced himself to mature and hide away.

Teo, (Left Brain) Is his Creativity and Child curiosity. That has left him.

What Catnap is now, is only using his Right side Brain. (Theo)

On your right side, Is your memories/ fear and truama. On your left, is your creativity and Curiosity.

I feel that Catnap the whole chapter 3, was avoiding us and wanted nothing to do with us. Just wanted us gone. Not only that, the prototype, his hero and parental guardian, he listened to since he had nobody else.

To me, Young toddlers, will do anything and follow orders to be loved.

Any arguments against my theory of the Cannons? I'm curious 😅

[wonderlandleighleigh]

123 Thoughts while watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel Season 1, episode 3: Because You Left

I l1. God I forgot we start on this flashback.

2. Fuck Joel Maisel, being shitty about Midge’s drink choice. “Yikes. We’ll work on that.” WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO SAY TO ANOTHER PERSON!

3. I have so many thoughts on that one line. That maybe Midge WAS, at one point in her life, just maybe a little sweet, if a little rebellious, and Joel decided he was going to turn her into what he wanted out of a woman.

4. What he thought he wanted out of a woman.

5. And it.

6. Fucking.

7. Backfired.

8. Shoulda married Palmer.

9. He’s so fucking pushy and I hate it.

10. “You belong to Me” is their song. HEY LOOK MORE TERRIBLE CONTROLLING THINGS. Not only is it a little creepy to be like “I don’t know you that well but this is our song now.” But the title alone “You belong To Me” is fucked up.

11. I swear, if they get back together in season 5, I will rip my television off the wall and eat it.

12. “You’re destined for better things than this.” JOEL YOU ARE NOT BETTER THINGS. BETTER THINGS IS NOT YOU.

13. (Better things is Lenny’s dick.)

14. (Sorry, children)

15. I love that Midge helps the other jailbirds with the stains on their shirt. It’s such an unsettling conversation but Midge still wants to help.

16 She’s a naturally helpful person, turns out.

17. LOL Susie talking to Rose and being totally freaked out, and I love it.  Truly. Barely anything scares Susie. But Rose. Rose flips her out. Love it.

18. Rose is a badass and I love it.

19. LENNY BAILED HER OUT LENNY BAILED HER OUT LENNY BAILED HER OUT!

20. “You’re not Susie.”

21. “Nope.”

22. These two idiots. I love them so much I’m gonna cry god dammit.

23. Wearing his jacket. He rushes to open the door for her.

24. Just fucking get married.

25. Susie is having a NIGHT. Between Rose and Lenny. She just. Can’t catch a break tonight.

26. They really did fail at making Lenny look...not hot. Luke Kirby is too handsome.

27. AND THEN HE INVITES HER TO HIS GIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

28. Rose and her grapefruit. Gilmore Girls Richard vibes.

29. “When did Zelda get married?” lol foreshadowing maybe?

30. Oh Rose. Poor Rose. She’s being severe here, but she’s really worried about Midge. As much as she’s failed Midge in other ways (teaching her all of the toxic bod image bullshit forever), she really does try her best to be a good mother. And I think a lot of the time, she does succeed. 

31. TMMM Rose and Lenny scene challenge I WANT IT.

32. I’m not going to get anything on my season 5 bucket list, I’m gonna have to write an entirely alternate season 5.

33. Again.

34. Abe is so clueless in season one. And he cares but he’s so absent. And he pays for it in season 2.

35. Ethan and the staring.

36. Poor Ethan. His dad up and fucks off, his mother is acting like a fucking fruitcake and he’s like four. He has no idea what’s happening. Of course he’s being a weirdo, WE ALL WOULD BE.

37. I do love Imogene, but she is so normcore in season 1.

38. Midge is so short. Imogene is SO SHORT.

39. “I brought it along on our second date. He was surprised.” LOL WE HAVIN BABIES ARCHIE GET USED TO IT.

40. Abe for fuck’s sake.

41. I know Rose and Abe want Midge to be settled and secure. I know. But Joel is not it. He is not it, and at this point even Midge knows that. She loses sight of that a few times, but like. JOEL IS NOT IT.

42. Oh Midge. That is. Too fancy for Kessler’s office.

43. We need more Kessler. GIVE US MORE KESLLER. GIVE US KESSLER DEFENDING LENNY.

44. LOL Susie on Midge’s tits. Just. The best.

45. “If you had just dressed for the meeting.” I love him.

46. Zelda’s notes. “You to be quiet.” I love it. I should start doing that lol.

47. Seconal is a hell of a drug man.

48. And also Rose is so weak-willed in this first season. Like maybe she’s being manipulative here with Abe but. It’s not a good look.

49. Midge is so proper in these early episodes.

50. HORSE FUCKER. lol

51. Midge just. She cannot keep her mouth shut. She cannot do it. And you know what? I wouldn’t be able to either. “Little lady.” Fuck that shit.

52. Thank you?

53. This judge is fucking awful.

54. Here we go.

55. Midge. Midge.

56. Aaand arrested again. Girl. Oh girl.

57. Ugh having to go to Joel. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

58. You fucked someone else and left, Dude. She doesn’t fucking trust you enough to tell you. Get used to it.

59. Abe looks...unhappy. To be at Maisel and Roth.

60. The music in this show makes me so happy.

61. Eater Island face lol.

62. One criticism of Moishe I totally agree with is how horrible it was for him to take back the apartment. His grandchildren were growing up in that apartment. Their safety and security should have come first. Not that Midge didn’t have anywhere to take them, Abe and Rose’s place is perfectly fine, and they spend plenty of time in Queens, once the Maisels move, but still. Those kids didn’t desserve to be jerked around that way, no matter how Midge and Joel (mostly Joel) were acting.

63. I never realized even back in the 50′s/60′s you had to pay for temple seats on high holy days. Fuck I’m so glad I never bothered with synagogue as an adult. As if life isn’t expensive enough.

64. Abe’s “My suits are good” shrug makes me happy. I know Tony Shalhoub isn’t Jewish, and as much as I wish they would have found someone who was...he does a good job of playing Abe as a Jewish man.

65. Kevin Pollack is a treasure.

66. THE 13 JEWS.

67. I also love Abe’s tie. It’s nice.

68. “Follow-through has never been in strong suit.” For. Fucking. Real.

69. I mean he came through with the money. That’s. Something.

70. God fuck. Poor Midge eating so much crow. I hate that for her. “After all. I am a woman.” Giiiiirl.

71. Fuck this Judge I hope he steps in dog shit every day forever.

72. UUGUGHGHEUOIERJLEJRLKEJ FUCK

73. Blind leading the blind. “It’s gonna work.”

74. Aw hugs. Gals bein’ pals (or girlfriends.)

75. Look, I can multiship with the best of them.

76. Mrs. Mouskowitz. Love her so much.

77. His plan is moving in with the dumb asshole girl he’s dating.

78. YES THE VANGUARD.

79. Lindsay and the threeeew!

80. AND LENNY! The Jewish and Goyish bit is so good. Listen to the original it’s so good.

81. Instant potatoes: SCARY GOYISH.

82. BOB BYHRE!

83. I love Lenny so much and we didn’t get enough of him in this show. We deserved more Lenny. I deserved more Lenny.

84. The bro vibes between them here are so good. They were always friends first and I just love that.

85. LOL Midge can hang. I love it so much.

86. Lenny is so tickled to be with Midge when she gets high for the first time. It’s adorable.

87. DO WE DO AN ACTIVITY?!

88. I think @theycallme-thejackal once wrote a fic where that activiy was a blowjob.

89. @theycallme-thejackal is the best.

90. Midge doesn’t carry pictures of her kids. I don’t know that my mom ever did either. My dad did I think, in his wallet.

91. AN ACTIVITY.

92. These stoned idiots trying to keep up with Midge good luck.

93. Whoseit’s got a head...the other’s got a...head.

94. Lenny’s genuine laugh there is so good. And he’s laughing at a parenting joke, because he’s probably thinking about Kitty and feeling the EXACT same way. “Are you fucking kidding? I don’t know what I’m doing holy shit!” I love that so much.

95. They’re not gonna get married. But they fucking should. Their connection is so good.

96. And maybe that’s delusional. I just love them.

97. Dear Midge: Some of us are just not moms. Trust me.

98. I want her to find out that Lenny is so boring at home.

99. Are those pretzels??

100. I tried to find the gif of Lenny’s face when she comes over to nom those pretzels and failed. It’s so good though.

101. also the face Lenny gives her when she walks over to sit down? I have been on the receiving end of that face from other people. I know it well. It’s happened.

102.We’re supposed to see the Friar’s Club in season 5. I dunno how that’s gonna go, but. I guess we’ll see.

103. I love Harry Drake. I hope we get a little more of him in season 5.

104. “Just be gentle.” Oh Lenny.

105. INVITED TO THE AFTERHOURS. GO MIDGE.

106. “You need me to be understanding or something?”

107. He’s so nice to her. The real Kitty Bruce has talked about how incredibly sweet her father was, and I love that we see shades of that in the show. He’s got a ton of problems, but there is so much kindness there.

108. And it’s in complete contrast to what we see from Joel in just a minute.

109. He gives her a joint as a lil gift. For later. Shit isn’t cheap. Kindness.

110. “WAIT WAS I SUPPOSED TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU?!” Love it.

111. Good job, Midge. You did good.

112. This flashback was in such a strange place. It felt really disjointed the first time I saw it. But again, it’s an interesting contrast between Lenny doing some light emotional lifting for Midge (The cab, the sympathy over her busted marriage, the joint, the parting joke to make her laugh) and Joel (letting Midge take care of him as usual).

113. Midge rollin’ up in the middle of the night, still a little buzzed. To this asshole.

114. And she liiiieeeesssss yessssss. Lie to him. He doesn’t deserve to know you got high with Lenny Bruce.

115. I’ve said this before. His “I don’t care what you needed the money for” is such crap. You SHOULD care. If you care about her, WHY DON’T YOU CARE?! Is it because you trust her? Or because you only care about yourself? I can’t tell.

116. “I’m thinking of giving it another go.” No sorry. No nothing. Just expecting to be let back into her life. Fuck’s sake.

117. Oh Abe.

118. Good for Midge telling him no. Because he fucked up and he’s not even fucking sorry. HE IS NOT SORRY! And she knows it. And he left.

119. Look at this piece of shit run away. Just. Not even an argument. Not even trying to change her mind. Just shakes his head and walks off like that piece of garbage he truly is.

120. Maybe that’s harsh. But he didn’t even try. Because he’s not sorry. He just wants to live comfortably again. He doesn’t care that he hurt her.

121. HE DOES NOT CARE THAT HE HURT MIDGE. Anyone who actually cared would not act like this.

122. And Abe finally understands just how terribly hurt Midge is. Though I’m not sure if that look on his face is because he’s hurting for her, or because his ploy to get them back together failed. Maybe both.

123. I love this episode. It is an al-time favorite. It establishes Midge and Lenny as friends with a new, but solid bond. It has some great Susie moments, and a great Midge set. Great stuff with Abe and Rose and Abe and Moishe. It’s so solid. I think it might be my favorite season 1 episode. <3

[the-ravenclaw-werewolf]

Ok so I know you've already selected 40 characters from movies - but have you seen the 2023 live-action "Barbie" movie?

IMO she'd be a perfect addition to the cast just for the sole fact that she lives in a Dreamhouse. And why is this relevant? Well, the Barbie Dreamhouse has no walls.

Only 1 side has a wall.

And we all know that's for play convenience whenever children play with them.

But what does this mean for the Barbies?

Well, considering that's what they've known for their whole lives, the lack of walls are considered something normal for Barbies. They never question why they can see each other's bedrooms, bathrooms, kitchens, living rooms, etc.

To put it simply, privacy is a completely foreign concept for Barbies.

So when she wakes up in an unfamiliar room with 3 complete strangers, imagine how puzzled & confused she would be, along with the fact that she's the only character with an arched feet - she's the only one who stands on tiptoes.

(She'd have a freak out that everyone has flat feet.)

IDK, just something I had in mind

I could totally see it! That the other occupants would have to remind her to close doors and would have to teach her human things, such as manually adjusting water temperature and walking down an actual staircase rather then trying to float down.

(Now I can either imagine her freaking out the others by doing this or getting hurt herself if she is unable to do it in the beginning.)

But within the cast, I can see her going through her existential crisis early since all the other characters live in patriarchal societies while she's from a matriarchal society and she is learning about the hypocritical standards women are forced to meet in the real world.

But most of all, once she finds the courage to see it in herself, she would be a genuine source of finding inner beauty and strength. Because aside from the beautiful moment Barbie shared with Ruth Handler, which made everyone and myself cry in the theater, she also has that sweet moment with the older woman in the park, whom she genuinely compliments on her appearance.

(And to have the older woman wear a glitter headband was just *chef kiss*.)

This was another moment that stuck out to me because A. Barbie has never seen an "Elder Barbie" before, and B. She doesn't know the "standards of beauty" of the real world compared to Barbie Land. So to hear such a compliment coming from her world view genuinely made me tear up. She would be earnest to the others and would help others to grow and learn, and may do so herself along the way.

TL:DR; Barbie would grow from the MCS (WE) Movie Version experience and would be such a positive influence around others.