#shitposting is soothing to me

[welcometothejianghu]

Bless Jiao Liqiao, she keeps trying to explain, but it's just not taking.

[katamaricule]

(meme template from here)

[honeypleasejustkillme]

i love his voice sm i could listen to him talk about nothing for hours

[discomedian]

I NEED ADRIEN TO PUT IT TOGETHER THAT HE WAS BUTTERCUP OR IM GONNA LOSE IT

[malonarky]

convinced that anyone who is like oh.. men are so shitty to me I only date the WORST men, I want a girlfriend, have never actually had a sapphic relationship. They are more cruel babe, you i will cry 1000x harder.

[existennialmemes]

Me, before the shower: I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't

Me, in the shower: I hate this. The water is touching me. Too coLD. Too Hot! THE WATER IS STILL TOUCHING ME. Fuck, which step am I on?? How long have I been here? Is this hell? This might be hell. WHICH STEP AM I ON??

Me, immediately after the shower: Fuck, this is worse somehow?? Too Cold!! Skin feels weird. Hair feels weird. Clothes feel WEIRD!!

Me, a few hours after the shower: Oh wow I feel so nice and clean. And my hair is soft and smells pretty. This is so nice, what the hell was I waiting for?

[leighsartworks216]

I think being kissed would fix me (<- hates physical intimacy)

[theredquilt]

*Chuckles heartily*

[letstalkaboutfandomsbaby]

I have had just the worst day and i need to be held and babied and fucked gently until i fall asleep :(

[mangoob]

“Oh I love to listen to rain sounds when I fall asleep”

“I like relaxing piano music!”

Me: I enjoy 12 hours of fluorescent light humming (industrial)

[welcometothejianghu]

[katamaricule]

Tater tots row is in order of who can do the most.

[saccharine-suffering]

oh to be a recovering whumpee in the arms of a loving caretaker

[achilles-left-ankle]

who needs therapy when you have punk rock

[bakubunny]

another yan daddy!shota dark content shitpost bc i’m anxious and this is me self soothing 🙄

tw: dark content, f!reader, ddlg, age play, little space, sex while in subspace, sorta dubcon

i’m rotting so hard on icky yan daddy!shota who only gets harder when you slip into little space and you’re wearing the cutest outfits. he gets so stupidly horny over the idea of taking advantage of his sweet babygirl who’s lost and small without him. in a way he knows it’s probably okay, but it still feels a little wrong.

but there’s something about that floaty, drifting mental state while you sit in his lap or at his feet, when you’re curled into his side that makes him want to speak to you so sweetly before he holds you down and uses your body to get off. he wants to hear you cry in a mix of pleasure and pain, wants you to cling to him in confusion after you come down from orgasm. he wants you teary eyed and sniffly when you quietly ask him, “pretty please, daddy, can i have more?” in a tone of voice that says you’re embarrassed by how hard you came from him using you like that.

[cosmicstarlatte]

Customer Service (Obey Me!)

━━━━━━━━━━ ✦ ━━━━━━━━━━

They try contacting customer service. 🤷‍♂️

»Characters: Demon Bros

»Tags: Certified Shitpost™️, Pathetic Lucifer is my favorite Lucifer

»Notes: It's been a while since I've done a shitpost bulleted fic so ♡reblogs♡ are appreciated. I've had this wip since March apparently? 💀

Lucifer:

A hand on his hip and the phone in the other

This man means business

"Don't talk to me, I'm trying to keep my level of anger"

Held onto his anger for two hours waiting for the next agent

The annoying hold music only fueled him

Tried to be reasonable with the agent when he got patched through

But they were new

"Look, just get me your manager."

Waited another half hour for them

The problem got fixed rather quickly actually

smirked in satisfaction...Lucifer always wins.

If only he noticed the two stuck pages in the manual, he would've not wasted his morning

Mammon:

If he wasn't broke he would've paid someone else to make the call

Waited for an hour but it felt like eternity

"Yeah ain't there a satisfaction guarantee on this anyway!? The customers always right!"

Tried to get a replacement for his earbuds

And a refund while he was at it

Scammy? What?? Nooo....

"They fell in the wash! It's not my fault! Did I get insurance? Who has the money for that?"

Him and the agent went back and forth for a while

The agent finally caved and promised to replace the earbuds

"Finally! Ya better send 'em quick! -click-"

...

He realized he never gave the agent his address & had to start the process all over again

Levi:

Lol

Tried online chat but his specific issue needed a real agent because...of course it would

Tried to pay one of his brothers to make the call for him

They rather stab themselves or wage war against Diavolo than call customer service

Took anxiety medication before trying to call

Waited three hours on hold but played something soothing in the meantime

helloooo ruri and friends crossing

He stopped when he heard the hold music stop

"Hello thank you for calling Akuz-"

click

"It's not that important."

Satan:

This is how a pro does it.jpg

Drank his little coffee and ate his fresh little pastry

See, he set an alarm to call customer service right when they open their lines

Had the number typed and ready to go with a press

BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP

Finally!

-dialing tone-

"Hello. Your wait time is 2 hours and-"

...

...

...

Slammed his phone on the floor and it broke

Went to go fight the company in person

His issue got fixed

The company had to tighten their security after this incident

Asmo:

Is that one lucky demon that happens to get patched through quickly

He was having problems with his devilgram account verification

Just as he started speaking about his issue the agent freaked out

Turns out they were a huge fan and could automatically tell it was the REAL™️ Asmo speaking

The issue got fixed and Asmo stayed talking with the agent because they sounded really cute

One thing led to another and...it went from a customer service hotline to a phone sex one real quick

This always happens when he calls customer service akskjfksls

Beel:

Collected all the snacks he had

Even cooked an entire feast

He needed everything he could get before making the dreaded call

After an hour of waiting (and barely any snacks left) he finally got to an agent!

It was a pleasant experience for both sides

Beel is getting sent replacements for his shoes plus a discount voucher for his next purchase

güd boi™️ as usual

Belphie:

Almost fell asleep while waiting

The music soothed him, they had classical music playing

He's not really sure how long he waited if he's being honest

When he finally got to the agent he sounded so weak the agent was concerned

"Mm? No I'm always like ...losing... consciousness ...it's normal...zzz..."

The agent was still so concerned they sent someone to the HOL to check on him

Beel ended up making the call for him

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