#sigh sorry sob hours for me imma go write

[halohamilton]

.

[obesericewrites]

MOTHERFUCKER OKAY SO LIKE THE LAST ASK HAS ME CRYING BECAUSE I THOUGHT OF A SCENARIO.

I was recently rewatching steven universe and one of the episodes made me cry like a bitch. What if like the kid was the reason on MC's death. Lets imagine that for the kid to be born, it would cost them the MC's life. Basically what happened to rose that shi if u get what I mean.

Okay so the one episode where steven found the lion and pearl freaked out because they realized maybe they didn't know rose that well? Imagine that with the ros.

The kid finds something that had belonged to their deceased parent that the ros knew nothing about. While the kid is excitedly telling them about it the ros can't help but frustration bubbling up inside of them

The kid can't figure out for the life of them what they did wrong but the more they try to push it the more agitated and angry the parent gets until they eventually snap.

This prompts the ro to walk out and go missing for a few hours. They're unreachable and basically no one can find them.

While looking for their parent, the kid finds them in this beautiful but very secluded place. They see their parent standing there, looking off into the distance. Their eyes are red and their cheeks are stained with tears.

(i like to imagine them having the conversation pearl and steven had)

I AM NO WRITER SO PLEASE BEAR WITH MY SHITTY WRITING.

"you have to tell me what's wrong..."

" ...sometimes...you even sound like mc." The Ro takes a shaky breath before speaking again. "do you remember this place?"

"do you have any of their memories?" They follow up, before finally looking over to their kid who resembled their love so much it was haunting.

"we were right here... Over 10 years ago." They whisper as they looked around the place they had taken the mc not knowing that this would be the last time they'd be together. The memory replays in their mind and they feel their knees give out.

The kid rushes to them but stops short when they were a few feet away from them.

"Everything I ever did...I did for them." They sob, "Now they're gone...but I'm still here..."

"..."

"Sometimes, I wonder if they could see me through your eyes..." They sigh, "I wonder what they think of me now..."

"well..." The kid sits besides them and doesn't hesitate to hug their parent. "i think you're pretty great..."

IM SORRY THIS GOT SO FUCKING LONG

THIS IS SO GOOD?! IMMA LET THAT MF COMMENT SLIDE BC YOU WROTE THIS IN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WAY!! I won’t even summarize this as it pretty much explains itself!! 💜 ALSO REFERRING TO THIS ASK HERE!!

M: It had been hours. It felt so long and the tension from them snapping was still in the child’s spine. Dawn had tried to keep them distracted, asking the child to explain the things they found to her. But they couldn’t. Her face had crumbled when they brought out a blade. Her eyes held betrayal and bitter nostalgia.

After that, after seeing her expression, they just left. Ignoring her choked-out calls for them to stop. Instead, they searched for M. Wanting answers now.

They walked for a few minutes, the blade clutched in their hands. They didn’t understand. Why wasn’t anyone happy for them? They had just discovered a blade from their dead parent! A blade! From their parent who they believed was just a boring tailor!

Yet no one was happy. No, instead when they brought this up to their parent their face went blank and darkened as they continued speaking.

Why did they have that reaction? Why did their sister have that reaction? So many questions swirled in their mind that they didn’t even notice that they entered a silent hill until they saw their parent. Standing near the edge of a cliff. They stare at the side of their bare face for a moment, startled.

Their mask in their hands, giving the child a clear view of their puffed up eyes and the distance that was in them. They briefly look away before slowly moving towards their parent.

“Baba…?”

Their ear twitching is the only indication that they heard the child’s call.

“I-…you have to tell me what’s going on…”

That earns them a tilt of their head and a soft laugh. “Sometimes…you sound just like them…” You barely catch those words, just above a whisper. They get even quieter when they look down at their mask. “…MC..”

The name makes them freeze. “…what?”

“Do you remember this place?” Their parent asks, completely ignoring the child’s words. Looking at the kid with eyes that held so much emotion… it nearly makes them stumble.

“We….we’re here…right here. Ten years-….ten years ago.” They whisper. Their voice cracked midway through their words, eyes shifting into something blank and distant. The child stares at them and pauses. Ten years ago? Then they realize they are no longer talking about the kid or to them. No, they are talking to them. Their other parent. Ms MC…

Then the child watches with a sharp tinge of horror as their legs seem to give out and they fall to their knees. A weak and mournful noise escaped them. “Baba!” They shout, rushing towards them, sliding to their knees as their hands grasp their arm.

“Everything I did….it was for them..” They sob. Big fat tears stream down their face as their face falls apart before their child. “But it wasn’t enough…no, they're gone and I’m-….I'm still here.” They hiccup, their head dipping in submission that makes you feel sick.

The child sits there silent for a moment, searching their mind for something to say.

“In my culture… we believe that when one is dead they just disappear. Just…sometimes I wonder if they can see me through your eyes…” They sniff. Scrubbing their nose as they turn to look at the child, “I wonder…I wonder what they’d think of me now…” They laugh bitterly.

“Well.” The child starts, moving so they can wrap their arms around their parent's neck. “I think you did a pretty good job. I think they’d be proud of you.” They say into Ms neck. Who’s arms slowly wrap around them to pull them into a tight hug, their body shaking against the child who held them.

S: It had nearly been a whole day since their parent's disappearance and they had just about enough of this. They had dropped off the kid in their guild before they ran off. Much to everyone’s confusion, the kid's aunties had tried to keep them busy by having the kid show them what they found. Which was just a blade. It didn’t work, the second they left the kid alone they jumped out the window and ran off.

Air rapidly filled their burning lungs and their footsteps thundered across the ground as they ran. A thousand thoughts came and went through their mind. The only thought that was consistent was that they had to find S.

The blade was still in their hand as they ran, that realization made them skid to a stop and stare down at the weapon. Walking slowly now. They didn’t understand. No one was happy or excited that they found this. They thought that their parent would be happy for them. Finding a weapon from their dead parent who they didn’t even know could lift a blade.

Instead, they saw S’s face twist into something they’d never seen before and they snapped at them. Why didn’t they leave? Why didn’t anyone in the guild tell them what was wrong? They deserve to know what’s so important about this stupid blade.

The kid is so deep in their spiral that they don’t even notice that they had walked into a silent hill until they see a very familiar red cloak. They freeze. Looked at the side of their parent's face, shocked to see their eyes puffy and tear streaks down their face which were illuminated by the light of the moon.

Their parent was just standing there, clutching their cloak.

“Dad/Mom?”

S inhaled sharply, turning towards the kid. Not meeting their eyes. Finding the ground between them more interesting.

“Please…I-…I want you to tell me what’s going on.”

Those words earn them a sharp look, their parents eyes gleaming with sadness. “You sound just like them…” they trail off, eyes sliding way from the kid. “…MC.”

The kid tenses up a bit at the sound of the name. “..what…what about them?”

“We were right here…all those years ago. Do you remember?” The rasp, breaths coming out short. It made the kid take a small step forward, hesitating a bit. It didn’t take long for them to put the pieces together that this was no longer about them. No, this was about their parent. This was about..MC.

The kid watches with pure shock racing through their body as they watch their parent fall to their knees. Hunching over themselves a loud sob is ripped out of their throat as they cry. “Dad/Mom!” The kid shouts in surprise, racing towards their parent.

Rubbing their back and forcing S to look at them. “Everything I did was for them!” They wailed, shaking their head against their kid's hands. “I did…everything I could. It wasn’t enough…no—I’m—it’s never enough! They’re gone and I’m…I'm still here.” They hiccup.

The child watches their parent crumble, attempting to think of something to keep them together.

“I-…I wonder if they can see me through your eyes….” They look away from the kid, staring off over their shoulder. “I wonder what they’d think of me now…a coward who ran away the second they saw something they didn’t like.” They say, bitterness laced in their tone.

“Well…here’s what I think.” The kid starts, grabbing their parent and wrapping their arms tightly around their neck. “I think you did a pretty good job here and I know they would be proud of you.” They say into S’s shoulder. In an instant, they are pulled into a bone-crushing hug. S’s ramblings are lost in the wind as they focus on their kid who held them.

B: They hated this. It had only been a few hours without their parent and they hated all these secrets. Their parent had dropped them off at their Grandma and Nana's place before they left. They were so hurt and confused when both women refused to tell them what was wrong. What was so important about this stupid blade?

The minute their grandmas had tucked them into bed, they escaped through a window and ran off. Their blade tucked away safely as they hunted down their parent. They had to find B. Get answers and get them now.

When they grew out of breath, they stopped running and walked quickly instead. They didn’t understand the fuss of the blade. It was just a weapon their dead parent held. They were happy to discover such a little secret their parent had. But B wasn’t the same.

Their face had fallen and they watched with a tight expression as the child continued talking about how they found the blade. Why did they react like that? Why did they immediately drop them off at their grandma's so they could runoff.

Lost in their own thoughts, the kid didn’t even realize that they had walked into a silent hill until they saw their parent. Standing there looking off into the distance with tears streaming down their face. They froze.

Their parent looked like a shaking statue. So ….pale yet their eyes were flushed red.

“Papa/Mama?”

They see their parent shudder, body moving as if they were a puppet who had just been cut from their strings.

“Please…tell me what’s going on…I’m so confused..”

The words make B turn to the child, their lip quivering a bit. “I—I’m sorry…you just…you sound just like them,” they whisper. “..MC..”

The child stiffens at the name. “I-…i don’t…what about them?”

“All those years ago, we were right here. Do….you remember?” They say in a hushed tone, looking back towards the cliff. Eyes gleaming with both tears and the light of the moon. This wasn’t about the child anymore and they understood that. This was about the MC.

The child watches with horror as their parent falls to the ground. Loud wails leave them. “Papa/Mama!” They shriek as a sharp feeling of fear goes through their veins as they run forward. Sliding to their side.

“I did everything for them! Everything I could was for them!” They wail, grasping at the child’s blouse. Who watched with helplessness as they attempt to wipe their parent's tears. “I did everything….I wasn’t enough…They’re gone and I’m…still here because I didn’t do-….enough.” They sob.

The child watches speechless for a moment. B continues to speak.

“I…sometimes I wonder if they can see me through your eyes…” They sniff, looking down at their trembling hands. “I wonder…what would they think of me now..? A coward crying to their child…” They sob.

“Mama/Papa…listen to me.” The child starts, grabbing their parent's face with both their hands. “I think you did a pretty good job…and I know they would be proud of you.” They then wrap their arms around their neck and hug them. B clutches onto them like a lifeline as they cry into their small child’s shoulder.

[achliegh]

Grounded

Okay SO I really like Leo, I resonate with him as a character and his personality is like mine yet he is actually a good person. I don’t really know how to write happy, lovey-Dovey shit it makes me very uncomfortable and I just can’t. SO imma make this boy suffer but its just me projecting okay. Sorry Leo I Love you. Please read at your own risk, this is not an easy angst and can trigger people. Most of this is me venting through my own struggles in life and how I have handled them.

CW/TW: Food, Past Abusive relationship, Anxiety, Depression, Panic Attack, past age difference relationship (Illegal)

Characters belong to @lumosinlove

Besides Luka, I made him up, don’t care for him tho

Coming off the ice with everyone was unusual to say the least, every normal day Leo would stay and practice with Kasey and their goalie coach. The Goalie Coach was sick and so was all their family. So today Leo and Kasey got off early and were able to shower and mess around with the other guys. Leo was so excited to drive home with his boys, he couldn’t stop smiling.

After a cool down, a shower and a few towel snaps to his ass from a rambuncis Kuny and James, they were walking out of the locker room to the players lounge. A “ding” came from Leo's phone and he went to look but stopped dead in his tracks when he saw coach Arthur talking to someone who looked very familiar. They were laughing at something Coach said, his boys looked back to him and Logan raised an eyebrow as Finn followed Leo's gaze.

“Shit” Leo went to move his hands to grab his hair but forgot his phone was in his hand and dropped it. His phone landed loudly on the floor making everyone look at him, but the only person he saw was Luka. Luka was Leo’s Ex-Boyfriend, they started dating when Leo was only 15 and Luka was 19, he used Leo as a toy! He made him do things he didn’t want to and act in a way that was cruel and he hurt him, in more ways than one. And… Leo thought he loved him. Looking back on everything he realized that this wasn’t a healthy relationship but it was his first real relationship.

“Leo?” Luka was staring at him surprised for a moment then an evil smirk started to slowly spread across his face. He was stupidly gorgeous and that was how he tricked people into relationships. His sharp brown eyes, his light hair practically white from bleach with his dark eyebrows, his giant muscular arms covered in tattoos and one of those just happen to be a Leo constellation. Leo was gonna be sick.

He could feel himself holding his breath practically waiting for something to cause him to crash. He knew his eyes were panicked so he decided to go complete goalie, no emotion, just nothing. He picked up his phone dusting it off and looked at his boys. Logan was concerned and Finn was just outright confused.

“You two know each other?” Finn asked when Leo finally met his eye, he had never mentioned anything about this guy or shown them pictures like he did with all his other friends back home. Yeah there were very few friends back home but maybe he only had a few friends! Finn never thought that Leo would have hid a whole person from them. Finn looked back at this man and saw this smirk, it was almost seductive and he was looking Leo up and down as if he was this guy's next meal. Then it clicked, this had to be an ex or maybe a one night stand, they knew Leo had the most sexual experience so it was plausible. But why Hide him?

Logan stepped towards Leo not having noticed Luka at all and put a hand on his forearm. Leo full on flinched away and so did Logan. Logan had seen Leo have panic attacks and knew when he needed contact and when he needed to be alone based on his mental state. Looking into his boyfriend's eyes, he needed to be alone. He turned and looked at Finn who was analysing the new guy so he grabbed Leo's hand slowly and started leading him out the door and towards the car. This caught Finn's attention and he followed them as they all silently got into the car.

Leo had completely shut down; he couldn’t think, speak, breath, or really do anything without feeling like he was 15 again. He shut everything out and put in his airpods turning his music up as loud as he could so no one could ask him questions. He gripped his sweatpants through his pockets where he stuffed his hands to keep from fidgeting and closed his eyes.

Finn reached for Logan's hand and squeezed it looking back at their boyfriend and then back at him. “I think that guy and Leo have a past.”

“From Leo's reaction I can guess that it wasn’t a good past.”

“Should we try to talk to him about this or should we wait until he talks to us?” Finn started the car and started driving back to the apartment but the only thing on his mind were the millions of questions slamming around. “What did you think about that guy?” he pulled into the parking garage and was looking for a spot.

“I wasn’t really paying attention to him. I was trying to figure out how I should approach Leo in a way that wouldn’t send him spiraling.” he sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose as Finn pulls into a parking spot. Leo was out the door so fast and he took the stairs up to the apartment instead of the elevator. The two left in the vehicle looked at each other for a second then both got out and ran after their boy. When they finally got to the apartment the door was still open and they could hear reaching sounds from the hallway bathroom.

Panicked Finn closed the door after them and grabbed a water bottle from the kitchen as Logan ran into the bathroom. Logan knelt next to Leo who had his arms crossed over the seat of the toilet with his forehead resting on his forearms. He was shaking in small tremors as everything, all the memories all the hurt came flooding back to him at once. Logan tried to set a comforting hand on his back.

Leo scrambled away wiping his mouth fitting his giant body into the small space between the toilet and the bathtub, curling in on himself raising his hands to block his face. “Don’t touch me! Don’t hurt me!” he started sobbing covering his face with his hands as Logan and Finn watched with their hearts hurting.

Both of them were wondering what happened to Leo to cause this. This level of fear wasn’t caused by a bad break up or a terrible one night stand. This was intense and made both of them sick with sadness. After about an hour Leo finally started calming down and the boys never left his side but also gave him space.

“Leo, baby it's Finn.” He came further into the bathroom from where he was standing in the doorway. He took the cap off the water bottle and was holding it out to Leo not wanting to trigger Leo again. Leo looked out from behind his hands at him and his heart broke with Leo's wide scared eyes being the brightest blue he’d ever seen, even with a puffy face and red rimmed eyes Leo still tugged at Finn's heart in a good way. It almost made him feel guilty because Leo was struggling right now. “ Can you drink some of this for me please?” He held the water a little closer to him and Leo took it, shakily, he took a chug big enough to empty half the bottle.

Just from that one drink Leo started to feel queasy all over again, still breathing hard but slowly coming back to himself, he needed to hear and feel his boys to ground him. He reached for Finn, dropping the water bottle and having it spill on the ground as he pulled himself out of his small space and into Finn's arms, gripping him like a lifesaver in the middle of the ocean. “Please say something, anything, I don’t care” He looked up to logan from over finns shoulder and reached for him as well.

“Why don’t we go get changed and get into bed mon coeur?” Logan grabbed his hand and was looking right into Leo’s soul, he felt himself nod because he was going to start crying again because of how much love he was slowly remembering he had. They stood him up slowly, he didn’t realize it but they must have flushed the toilet during his panic because he only saw clean now. They took him out of his clothes and laid him in bed in just his underwear, as requested, Skin on skin was needed right now. They crawled into bed, Leo rested his head on Finn's shoulder intertwining their hands as Logan laid his head on his chest. “We love you mon soleil” Logan would whisper to him over and over.

“We love you forever” Finn would run his thumb over Leo's hand and whisper into his hair.

Leo decided that these two lovely boys needed to know what happened and Leo needed to let them know for their own safety. He had been talking to Heather about this stuff for the year he was with the lions but it never felt like enough. He knew the boys had noticed his odd behavior, jumping when the phone rang or a door slammed too hard, anyone raising their voice around him (especially those two), and always apologizing as soon as one of them looked slightly annoyed.

“His name was Luka, the guy Arthur was talking to. He’s my Ex and…” he trailed off his hand that was tracing patterns on Logans back stilling as he swallowed the lump in his throat. “He has done a lot of bad things to me, I mean we started dating when he was 19, he is four years older than me. So, I felt like I needed to do everything he said I mean I was just a kid! I lost my virginity to him! I would do anything he told me to, whether it was something I was comfortable with or not. He.. he would threaten or hit me if I didn’t do what he said. I learned to do everything he said and momma was so scared for me but I was an idiot and believed I could handle myself. She never saw the bruises but she knew something was happening. I-I couldn’t take it anymore and I ran away from him one night and he said he would always know where I am and whose in my life and I never wanted anyone to feel trapped with me so that was the other reason why I never watched to get attached to anyone at all when I got drafted even though it was a year after I left him. Seeing him today-” everything came spilling out like he couldn’t stop and he was crying again with sobs wracking his body as his boys clung to him in a desperate plea to prove he was safe.

“Leo, we will always be there for you no matter what. We will protect you.” Logan was talking in a slow soothing voice as he wiped away his tears and kissed his forehead. “Nothing changes the way we love you” Finn was squeezing his hand and had tears pricking his own eyes as everything Leo spilled to them was just setting into his mind. HIS Leo was treated that way by a man the same age as he is. Finn couldn’t imagine treating anyone like that.

“We don’t make you feel trapped, do we? I mean we are the same age as him, but I want you to know that I could never hurt you like that Leo, I can’t even think about something like that happening to you.” A few tears fall as he wraps his free arm around both his boys holding tightly.

"I'm so happy you told us Peanut" Logan saw the tiniest smile at the pet name. "I won't ever let him touch you again! If we ever make you feel like that in any way please tell us"

“You could never make me feel that, I feel the safest I have in a long time with you two. You keep me grounded.”

[argethara]

i know that it breaks your heart

They're drunk and Mikasa knows that Jean likes her, no, possibly loves her more than she loves herself at the moment. She used to be so calm and collected in dire situations but sadness fueled by alcohol could drive any human insane, even the strongest one. And she's the very example of that when she grabbed Jean's neck, then placing her lips too harshly on his.

Jean responded after being surprised for a few seconds, giving her second thoughts that whatever she did was okay as it feels okay.  Intoxication urges them to lay all inhibitions and rational thoughts aside, Jean is now the one leading what Mikasa started. He gently touched her face with both hands, his eyes closed while trying to deepen their kiss further. Mikasa obliged, opening her mouth to accept his prodding tongue, eyes staring at Jean's cheeks before shutting her eyes to focus on their lips again. No words were spoken between them, breathing was just a respite as they go back to explore each other's mouth repeatedly for god knows how long. Until Jean decided to break the kiss as he tries to look at Mikasa's flushed face.

She didn't move when he let go and it made Jean worry that he must have taken advantage of her drunk state. "Continue," she said after a minute without even moving on her chair. Brushing a hand on his face as if hiding his blush she could not see, he sighed. "I think we had enough, Mikasa. You need to rest." With a sad smile, she replied. "Please continue." "No. We're drunk. I was drunk. This was stupid. I'll get Annie to bring you to your room," he roughly said.

Jean was starting to walk to the mess hall's door when Mikasa didn’t talk back for a while, her eyes shut since Jean tear his face away from her, but she shouted the moment his foot stepped outside the hall.

"No! Eren, please don't leave me! I'm really sorry!" Jean felt a raw pang of pain surging through his veins into his heart. He stilled when he heard Mikasa crying loudly, repeating Eren's name and rapping a ton shit of sorry's with it.

He wanted to leave her alone instantly in the dimmed mess hall, not wanting to hear more of Eren's name out of her mouth, knowing that someone would definitely hear her wailing and help her sober up. But despite the hurt, Jean just couldn't seem to leave Mikasa, most importantly at her lowest. He loves her that much. So he went back to where she was seated and kissed her again, this time on her forehead. He hugged her tightly as he whispered a prayer, "Please wake up, Mikasa. Eren's gone." Like magic, the mention of Eren made Mikasa open her eyes, blinking hard as she focuses her vision on the face of the man in front of her. She soon realized that somewhere between fighting her drunken stupor from the alcohol and the heated kisses, her mind wandered to Eren, again. She closed her eyes, tears continue rolling down as she silently sobs in Jean's arms. Her hate for herself growing when she saw Jean trying to conceal his hurt by showing concern. "I told you, I can wait." I don't deserve you. "Jean, I'm sorry. I do love you..."

But you love him more, Jean couldn’t say it out loud. He had no choice but to understand where she was coming from. He has witnessed this many times already, and he expects to see more of this in the next days, weeks, months, and may god forbid, years. He coughed, hiding the shake in his voice. "It's okay." Mikasa cried longer than their kisses. Jean could only hug her, wishing it could shoo her pain away, praying that he could be enough to replace him in her heart. He doesn't care how long, he doesn't even care if it's not him in the future.

He just wants to see her happy. "Mikasa, you’ll be fine." ghostin’ by ariana grande inspired drabble (it played randomly while i was reviewing notes for my public health quiz; the review has been halted for an hour now, so imma post it here first, then i’ll go back to it when i have more time so i could add shit. also, i’ve been writing song inspired drabbles lately, it mostly comes in random; need to reread them, maybe some are worth posting).

[descendantofthesparrow]

Shuffle playlist - Rewrite - Part of Your World - Harry Hook x Reader - part 5 - the isle.

warning: talk of non-con selling of sex in last bit of chapter

(note: (n/n) means = Nick name)

=

Mal took a heaving breath as she led her scooter towards the edge of the cliff, facing towards the isle of the lost. Harry repositioned behind her, tightening his grip on the cushion below him.

Mal let out a few sputtering sobs and lifted her goggles off the bridge of her nose and placed them on top of her helmet. she swung her backpack off her shoulders and grabbed her spellbook from her bag, hurriedly shifting through the pages to find the correct spell. There it was. “Noble steed/proud and fair/you will take us/anywhere”

The scooter glowed purple for a moment before it went back to normal, and Harry could swear the barrier had shimmered purple as well.

Mal stuffed her book back in her bag and shrugged it back on, turning to Harry while reshifting her goggles back onto her nose “hang tight, and onto me, I know it'll be uncomfortable but I don’t know if this will work, and I still can't swim” Harry sighed and released the cushions, wrapping is arms around Mal's torso and leaning against her.

“okay, hoo” she took a deep breath again, revving the engine of her scooter “please work”

“Mal if this doesn’t work and we die I am going ta kill yeh!” Harry yelped as Mal suddenly swerved to the right towards the steep slope down towards the beach and lead the bike onto the ocean.

The bike hopped on the surface a couple of times before smoothing out, Mal looked over her and Harry's shoulders back to Auradon and let out a breathy laugh, she was free!!!! Free from the pastel dresses, the invading press, the bobby pins, the painful too small at her toe heels, the rules, everything!

She could finally be herself again.

She and Harry let out a gasp as the barrier shimmered over them, the feeling of her magic draining from her was probably the worst feeling she had ever experienced, yet the scooter was still running atop the water. “odd” she muttered to herself, slapping the handle of her scooter as she remembered FGs explanation of good-intentioned magic being allowed to exist behind the border.

And she was doing everybody a favor by going back to the isle, so it had to be good-intentioned…right?

She took a hard right, making Harry yelp, and rolled into the wharf market that was near the Core fours hideout. Harry finally looked around, fixing the black motor helmet over his head as he passed his fellow isle pirates.

Mal suddenly stopped, looking to her left and taking off her goggles, Harry looked away from the market and towards her, raising his brow as she tore down the defiled poster with her and Ben on it and bunched it up, she threw it over her shoulder and replaced her goggles. She drove the scooter down to the next block and parked it in the slot next to the ascending stairs up to the core fours apartment. Harry quickly slid off the back and ripped the helmet from his head, shaking around to get rid of the squished feeling on his ears.

“I’m never doing tha’ again” Harry growled, his icy blue eyes locking with Mals now dull green ones as she passed by him and walked over to the entrance of her apartment. She picked up a rock and chucked it at the yellow sign with the words ‘danger flying rocks’. the sign swung back and the metal fence door lifted up.

Mal glanced back at Harry and gestured to the hideout, inviting him into the safe space. He shook his head and held his hands up, the weight of the helmet in his left hand shifting a bit “nah, I swore never ta step foot in tha’ place, I’ll be at meh apartment for a bit till I go talk ta Uma” Mal tilted her head at him.

“why do you want to talk to Uma?” she asked, leaning over the railing of the steps. Harry gave her a look.

“I need her ta know I haven’t abandoned her” Mal's mouth made an ‘o’ shape as she nodded, realizing what Harry was talking about.

“I get it….sorry, I know I was part of the distraction that prevented Ben from getting more kids off” she sighed, scratching the back of her head. “I've- I wish I could’ve done something more- I-I just” Harry held his hand up again, shaking his head.

“I know, lemme say this from (y/n)s perspective because from mine I would just blame yeh fully” Mal let out a little snort, if anything her and Harry's distaste of each other hadn’t changed in the last 6 months, which was nice. “yeh were under a lot of stress, and it’s not yer job ta make sure Ben follows through on his promise to bring more vks over” Mal shook her head, pushing up on her toes and pouting at Harry.

“but I could have helped with moving it further along, it was my fault that he kept blowing you and (y/n) off on those meetings for the vks, I could have…I don’t know made him think we were having a date in his office and then you two just make him sit through the meeting or something” Mal sighed, leaning her cheek on her hand.

Harry shrugged again, looking down the alley “aye possibly, I’ll be back at meh apartment if yeh need meh, Jay will know where it is” Mal quirked her brow again.

“huh?” Harry smirked up at Mal, rolling his eyes.

“did yeh really think those three would jus’ leave ye ‘ere? and yeh know once (y/n) finds out I’m ‘ere too she’ll drag me off by meh ear” Mal rolled her eyes.

“I guess….though I was kinda betting on someone coming over and taking me back, I’m really just here to get away from it all” Harry nodded at that.

“aye, once we crossed the barrier yeh regretted this a bit didn’t yeh?” Mal nodded a bit.

“…yeah, that feeling of magic being drained from me it was just….made everything come back, now I remember why we all wanted to leave so bad….I guess the stress from Auradon made this place seem a lot better than it was” Mal sighed, looking up to the dark grey sky.

Harry nodded again and started to back away “aye, when the rest of em get here, just tell (y/n) I’m at meh apartment and Jay can lead ‘er there” Mal waved him off and watched him disappear into the dark alleys towards the wharf. She tapped her heel against the steel stairs nervously as he left her sight.

God, she hoped Hook wouldn’t find out about Harry’s presence on the isle.

She couldn’t bear to hear those sounds again.

=

You sighed as you leaned back in the cushioned chair in Ben's office, watching him quickly write down on the papers for cotillion. You had bust into his office about an hour ago, waiting until he finally talked about his fight with Mal. He stopped, looking up at you through his lashes before sighing and leaning back against his chair. “I really screwed up didn’t I” he finally muttered, crossing his arms and looking up at the ceiling.

“yep” you popped your lips, smirking as he groaned and rubbed his face in stress.

“but she lied to me! She lied about everything and thought she could get away with it! And-and” you rose your brow as he looked back to you. “-god I was just so angry at her for doing that but then….god I fucking compared her to Audrey” you blinked at that.

“you-I-wow Ben, that’s….alright then” you chuckled, pinching your nose and standing from your chair, walking over to bens desk and leaning on it “alright imma say it straight, and before you ask, I’m from a world where yall are a movie remember?” Ben nodded, slightly confused at the last part, leaning back slightly as (y/n)s disappointed look turned to a glare. “you are valid to be mad at Mal for lying to you about using her magic, you are valid to be mad at her for doing that. But you have to understand, she.is.not.you. she is not Evie, she is not Audrey, and she is not from here.

She is from the isle, where EVERYTHING was different for her, there were no rules, there was no press, there was no dress code, there was no nothing, she could just do whatever she wanted. Going from that, to having a billion rules and demands from everyone, is extremely stressful”

Ben tried to speak up but you silenced him with a glare “you may say ‘but I never asked her to be anything other than herself’ you never told her that, when she started to try being the perfect Auradon girl, you never told her that you liked it, you never told her you didn’t like it, you just let her keep going, which in her head translated it as ‘oh he likes me better this way, I’ll keep going’ I know you have that stained glass window with her in her full isle style self, but that window would have been helpful two months ago when all this shit started. She's having an identity crisis Ben, she needs support and guidance, now I don’t mean she needs her hand held, she needs someone to say that she's doing the right thing, that she's not screwing anything up.

she needed someone to say that she didn’t have to change because she was already perfect, yes, her attitude and shit needed work but as a whole? She was fine, she didn’t need to change the way she spoke, or walked, or dressed, or smiled. She just needs to learn that it's okay not to be okay, and to ask for help. She JUST learned that she wasn’t the only person in the world 6 months ago, and now she needs to learn that it's okay that she's not doing okay.

And you haven’t helped her with that, you have just stood by and acted like nothing was wrong, and that’s what is wrong Ben, you live in this world of lollipops and sunshine, that you don’t see what’s two inches in front of you! And that’s not a bad thing, I love that you’re an optimist, but when It comes to not seeing that something is wrong with your friends, that’s when it becomes a problem.” You sighed, leaning back and cracking your neck.

“again, I will say you being mad at Mal for lying to you about using her magic and…lying to you about how she was doing is completely valid. but you again have to understand, her entire existence, up until 6 months ago, was pleasing her mother.

and when her mother was turned into a mini dragon, her people-pleasing tendencies turned to you, and what she thought would please you most. And that would be a perfect Auradon girl. That’s why she did all that, because she thought you would prefer her that way instead of her actual self. On both sides of your argument, you both are in the wrong, and you both are in the right, but because you both lack communication between the two of you”

you held up your hand again as Ben tried to speak “neither of you truly talk to each other, yes you talk, but not really, you never asked about her boundaries, she never asked you about what you wanted, both of you suffered because you just won't talk to each other like that, you need to talk to each other and find out what is going on with the other to find balance in your relationship. Ben, you can't just rely on the other to come forward, you both have to if you see a problem in the relationship.

And the problem with yours is that you don’t know how to look past the surface and see beneath anything, and Mal doesn’t know how to ask for help. I’m not saying your shallow, I’m saying you’ve lived in a world of everything is perfect and nothing is ever wrong; so it's hard for you to realize that someone is having a hard time, and Mal has lived in a world where asking for help meant weakness or even worse death.” Ben paled at that

“so both of you have to teach the other about yourselves, Mal can teach you how to look beneath the front mask of people and see their true selves and intentions, and you can teach mal to soften up and learn that asking for help is not a bad thing anymore”

You sat back down in your chair and crossed your arms, waiting for Ben’s response as he just stared at you “I know, that was one big ol’ rant but it needed to be said” you laughed, cracking your neck and sighing “I haven’t talked that much in….never” Ben rolled his eyes and leaned forward on his hands.

“I need to talk to her” you nodded, shifting in your chair.

“what you need is to take your relationship slower Ben, it's only been six months, don’t you think that’s a little fast? especially for Mal who’s never done anything like this before? Something like cotillion and her being introduced as Lady of the court would be something that happened in a year, not six months. I think it would be better to celebrate the half-year of the vks being here than all that.” Ben paused for a moment, then groaned, flopping back in his chair.

“I’m an idiot” He muttered, you snorted and rolled your eyes “of course she's not ready for all this….I really should have paid attention to her more instead of just assuming that she was okay with everything changing so fast” he sighed, glancing back at you. You nodded to him, letting him know he was on the right track.

The two of you sat up as the door to Ben’s office opened suddenly and Evie stepped in, knocking rapidly on Ben’s door. “Evie!” Ben sighed, letting a smile bloom on his face. “come in” she quickly stepped into the room and closed the door. She let out a shuddering sigh and looked from you to Ben. You sighed, closing your eyes, right you had forgotten about Mal going back.

“Mal’s gone back to the isle” Evie's voice wavered, looking down at the floor as she quickly walked over to Ben and handed him a note. Before he could read it she said his name, and handed him the golden class ring Ben had given Mal during the coronation.

He stared at it for a few moments before hurriedly unfolding the note and reading it, his eyes shining as his shoulders dropped as he read the note. “this-this is my fault! She had been under so much pressure lately and I-I was the last straw….I shouldn’t have yelled at her like that” he bit his lip, a few tears trailing down his cheeks and hitting the top of his desk “she wasn’t even doing anything bad with her magic she was just taking a few shortcuts….I have to go to the isle and get her back myself! It's dangerous over there and she could get hurt…I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to her” he turned to the window, peering out the side where he could see the edge of the ocean.

“Ben you’ll never find her! The isle is huge and she has a million hiding places!” Evie sighed, rubbing her arms as she thought about what she was about to do “you have to take me with you” Ben turned around, looking at Evie with wide eyes.

“I can't let you do that” he muttered, his shoulders dropping “I don’t want anything happening to you” Evie shook her head defiantly.

“I’m going, you don’t even know how to get from the entrance to the market, you need someone who knows the isle sand from stone…and I can't leave her there either, there's no doubt she’s made some enemies over there that are just waiting for a moment to strike, and without her mother's protection…even if it was lousy protection, she could get seriously hurt, or even worse killed…” Ben turned pale again, he didn’t want to think about that. “and she's my best friend Ben, I won't just leave her….and we’ll bring the boys too, because there's safety in numbers and I’m betting none of us are popular over there right now” Evie sighed, rubbing the back of her neck, she stopped, watching as Gil entered the room quickly and slammed the door behind him “Gil?” he looked to you, his face place and his body shaking.

“Gil what's wrong?” you asked, standing up quickly and walking over to him “you look like you’ve seen a ghost” he let out a small whimper and handed you a piece of paper from Harry's journal. “what-“ you felt your world stop.

-Gil, I’m sorry, but I’m going back to the isle with Mal, I’m not planning on staying but I need to make a point to beasty boy. I'll stay out of sight I promise.

-Harry

Harry had gone back to the isle with Mal “he what?!” you half screeched, almost stumbling back into the seats in front of Bens desk if it wasn’t for Gils hands on your shoulders

“(y/n)” Evie gasped, rushing over to you and wrapping her arm around your torso “what’s-oh no” she read the note, her face forming into a look of horror “Harry’s gone back to the isle too” she muttered, covering her mouth with a gasp. Ben furrowed his brows in confusion.

“why-you sound like it's even worse that he went back?” he asked, walking over to the three of you and glancing at the paper.

“because it is” Evie looked up at Ben “Harrys had it a lot worse than Mal, his- his father” you felt a cold chill rush over your skin and you broke from Gil and Evie's grip.

“his father what?” you snapped, the vks flinching from your dark tone. “tell me.”

“his-his dad um…he sold him when he didn’t have money” Gil muttered, his face turning green from the memories.

“or just didn’t feel like spending money” Evie snapped, hand clenching so hard you would hear her knuckles crack.

“…sold him?” Ben asked naively, Evie and Gil looked at him with sad eyes.

“he sold him to others to have….sex with” Gil paused between his words, they were almost too hard to get out “when he bought his rum or whatever he felt like drinking, I don’t remember how long it was happening but if Hook finds out Harry is on the isle….we might not ever see Harry again” you and Ben looked at each other and nodded.

“then it's settled” Ben clenched his fist around Mal's note and his ring, watching you as you grit your teeth and your eyes turn dark “we head to the isle as soon as possible, we can't risk anything happening to Harry or Mal” the three of you nodded and rushed out of Bens office to collect Carlos and Jay.

‘oh Harry’ you felt tears burn in your eyes as you burst into your dorm room and grabbed a change of clothes that suit the isle ‘why didn’t you tell me’ you stopped, seeing a large piece of paper from Harry's journal sitting on your desk. You quickly walked over and grabbed it, unfold it, and start to read.

-to my dear (n/n)

I’m sorry, but I’m going back to the isle. No, we aren’t breaking up, this has nothing to do with you, I’m making a point to Ben.

I know he and the others will stop at nothing to get Mal back from the isle and I needed to make sure Ben would see the isle for what it really is. A place where no child should be and hopefully, he will get a move on for the vk transfer thing.

I also needed to see Uma and my sisters; they need to know I haven’t abandoned them. I know you’ll be coming with Ben and the others to get me, I do not doubt that, so I’ll see you soon.

I know the dangers of me being here, and I’m sorry I never told you about my history with my dad, but I’m sure Evie and Gil filled you in on it. I’m planning to stay out of sight and away from him and anyone who might tell him about me being here.

I promise when we are back in Auradon I’ll tell you everything about my life on the isle, you deserve to know.

I love you; I know I have never said that, but I’m sure of it now, and I wanted to say it just in case.

-Harry

You let out a low sob and collapsed against your desk, holding the now crumpled note against your chest “Harry” you chocked out, feeling droplets of tears hit your hand. “you stupid fucking idiot”

“I love you too”

-end of part 5-

Here it is! Part 5! I hope I made bens side of the argument…better while also still being like “yeah both are wrong both are right in it, but Mal was really having a hard time and ben needs to slow the fuck down” because MAL IS NOT READY FOR ANY OF THE DATING SHIT SHE IS DOING IN D2, COTILLION SHOULD HAVE WAITED FOR AT LEAST ONE YEAR INTO THEIR RELATIONSHIP NOT 6 MONTHS! Anyway, I also hope Mal and Harry's talk at the beginning was also…nice? That’s the best word I can think of right now but I hope im making Mal an actual likable character instead of….ya know *gestures to d2/3* that. Im trying to actually develop her d1 character into something more instead of just making a whole new one each “movie”

And yes, James is just as Bad in this as he was in the OG part of your world, and don’t worry, he does get his ass kicked by reader.

Thank you for reading!

permtaglist

@queer-cosette​ @sephiralorange​

@lunanight2012​ @daughter-of-the-stars11​

@musicarose​ @remembered-license​

@random-thoughts-003​ @verboetoperee​

@imtryingthisout​ @rintheemolion​ @thecaptainsgingersnap​

and now the rewrite taglist because im sorry i forgot about yall lol

@thesailbells​ @beccad10x​ 

[bltzgore]

So I said I do some lab whump based on the prompt and it wound up being longer than I expected, but it was also actually less whump centered. So Imma give you guys the highlights!

Tw: lab whump, female whumpee (and a male whumpee), no comfort, death, gore, pain desc, mentions of euthanasia, needles  

Intro:

82 breathes in and she breathes out, she is ready for this test. She's been working and fighting harder than anyone else. They're all weak compared to her, she made herself into what they want. A weapon. 82 breathes in and she breathes out. They'll trigger the start of it soon, any second. Her heart is trying to crack her rib cage, it's beating so hard. Is she afraid? No. Of course not. Fear has been trained out of her. She can not feel it anymore. No, what she feels now is exertion, what they have trained into her to replace the fear.

The door clicks then hisses open. Her mind sharpens. It's time to show them. Show them what she can do. Show them that she is worthy to be their next chosen. Because 82 wants it more than anyone. She is going to be the next subject chosen for the serum. She will be their next weapon!

82 breathes in and she breathes out, she runs into the room. There is another in there with her, she knows what they want her to do. She's done it before, many times in one way or another. She has to kill them.

82 doesn't recognize the other in the room with her. She wouldn't care if she did. It always ends like this, she used to it, she has to be. She looks towards her opponent, he's scared. She's amazed he's lived this long if he shows this much of it.

It doesn't take much, 82 is strong, she was bred for this. Born to fight and win. She lays him out in minutes.

He's on the ground in front of her. She broke his right leg, really high up, all he can do it try to drag himself away. But she can tell even the pain of doing that is too much for him. He stops and looks up at her, "Please! Please don't do this!" he begs. They always beg, it makes her sick. Take your death with strength, unless you want to be remembered as a sniveling coward. 82 just shakes her head and steps closer, "You tool! You're not even a person are you!?" he yells, his voice breaking with terror. "You're just their dog! You know that! Right? You'll just kill for them without asking why?" he sobs.

That's rude. She leans down, her eyes fixed on his. "Exactly." and then she lashes out. Her fists come crashing down over and over again, until his head has been reduced to a mess of gore scattered across the ground. 82 stands and looks down to where his eyes used to be, "I know why I'm killing." she sneers, before turning away.

A few minutes later a voice comes over the intercom, "Subject XPM84 - 82, your trial is complete. You have been selected by the committee for one of the five available stops in project hunter. Report to room 34 of wing D tomorrow to receive your first dose."

She did it! 82 calmly nods, before heading to the door that opened shortly after the scientist on the other side of the intercom stopped talking. She steps out into the hall, and she smiles. Yes! Yes yes yes yes! Finally!

________________________________________________________________

A discussion between 82 and her friend 63: "So you actually managed it?"

82 looked up at 63, he had the top bunk that night, "Yeah."

"Impressive." he muttered.

"You sound so happy for me." she snarked.

"I am." he insisted. "Just... you know with the trial runs and stuff, something always goes wrong." he answered

"Yeah, you're worried about me. Not jealous that I got picked first and you didn't get picked at all?" she asked, bluntly.

"No! I mean- ok, yes I wanted to be part of Hunter but this isn't about me! I didn't make the cut, you did. Project Hunter is a risk. What if something goes wrong and it kills you?"

She almost thought he was sincere, "Then I guess that's a spot opened right back up for you." she growled, turning over and away from him.

"82... I'm sorry. I'm happy you got it, you've wanted it so bad your whole life. You deserve it."

She didn't answer.

He sighed, "Goodnight 82."

________________________________________________________________

The first injection:

"Alright XPM84 - 82, please sit down here." the scientist gestured to the table. 82 swallowed and nodded, before doing as she was asked. The scientist turned and headed to the back of the room. She went to a very particular cabinet, scanned her hand on the access panel and retrieved a small vial of purple liquid. 82 could feel her heart speeding up, hear it beating heavy in her ears. She was... no! She wouldn't admit that. She was not scared of this, this was what she wanted ever since she knew it could be hers. A person could endure anything if they wanted it bad enough! 

She tightened her hand into a fist, focusing on the muscle tensing then releasing. In her peripheral vision she watched the scientist filled a syringe from the vial a cleaned a spot on her arm. She felt the sharp bite as it pressed through her skin and stayed there. It was unpleasant, but nothing new. The scientist pulled the needle from her arm and held a cotton ball over it to stop the bleeding.

Once she was content with that she headed over to one of the numerous table cluttered with various advanced looking tech. She selected something in specific, and offered it to 82. "Put this on your right wrist and keep it on until you are told to do otherwise." she instructed.

82 nodded, clamping the metal cuff around her wrist. It was tight, she could feel prongs on the inside of it pressing almost into her skin. It was uncomfortable but not unbearable. She was about to stand and head for the door when she noticed something off, the veins in her wrist were turning purple.

"Is this... normal?" she asked looking from her wrist to the scientist. She walked over and took 82's wrist to get a closer look, she didn't answer and instead called one of her colleagues over. 82's skin suddenly felt like it was burning! It was as if she was standing on a bonfire! 82 fell, grabbing hard on her wrist, trying to find something to do with the agony. She began shaking, and blood started to run from her mouth pooling on the floor. She arched her back as sharp shooting scraps of agony bit at her forearms and spine.

She was screaming, trying not to, but it felt like her body was trying to kill her. Something was wrong with her arm, it didn't feel like her arm! It felt like.... it felt like- she couldn't focus! The burning felt like it was turning into ripping, something was trying to tear her skin off from the inside! The room was whirling and swimming as she lost her grip on the messy water color of reality. It all blacked out, no fade to gray or gentle fall into unconsciousness, it was all snatched away, like someone had snapped their fingers by her ear and it was gone.    

________________________________________________________________

82 tries to get answers and 12 warns her about her harsh reality:

A doctor made the rounds an hour later. When he discovered 82 was awake he asked her a few questions about how she was feeling, if she thought she could handle some food and water. 82 answered all the questions earnestly, then tried to ask a few, "Why am I in a cell? Did I try to hurt someone? Did the serum work wrong? It's just an adverse effect of the first dose right?" The doctor answered none of her questions and walked off, writing a few things down on his data tab. "82, right?"

She looked up towards the voice.

"They took 03 cause she was responding to the serum the right way, doesn't that make you wonder why they left us?"

She shook her head, "No. I'm fine, I'm ready for my next dose."

"They don't let you decide that now do they? What if you're not? You and I both know what they do to subject that don't adapt to their assigned project."

"I said I'm FINE!" She roared, slamming her fist and forearm into the bars that separated them. The bars shook! She had never been able to rattle steel before! She was getting stronger! She was still staring at her arm in amazement when all at once a dozen nails drove themselves into her skull. 82 fell to her knees, pressing her hands hard on the sides of her head. The nails took turns stabbing the inside of her brain to mush as she strained and preyed for it to stop. It felt like hours but the incident lasted almost a minute. When it all stopped she fell back, her head buzzing.

"Still sure you're fine?" 12 asked.

_______________________________________________________________

The second injection:

82 did not tell the scientists about this incident, as far as she was concerned it was unrelated. She was ready for the second dose, it would fix everything! It had to.

She stayed in the cell for this injection, it was administered through the bars. 82 waited for something to happen, as did the observing doctors. It was almost ten minutes later when her heart started to speed up, breathing got harder, then the familiar burning of her skin kicked back in. This time she did not pass out. It went for three long hours of hell, until the chemicals seemed to have passed through her system.

This incident left 82 on the floor, weakly trying to move. She needed to show them she was fine, she could handle the last dose, easy.

"It's a shame, XPM84 - 82 was our most promising candidate. But her symptoms are just like ZZ13 - 03's, meaning she's likely to follow the same course."

The other nodded, "We should get her in the que for euthanasia with the other two." 

________________________________________________________________     

82 and 12 run into 63 while attempting escape: 

  "63! Come on! We're breaking out, come with us." 82 ushered.

"You're breaking out?” he seemed struck dumb, "I-I thought you were in the que, why are you running away?" he asked, blocking her path.

"I'm not going to take my death laying down. I gave them all that I had and they're just going to get rid me of like I'm a broken pen!" she snapped, "We're all disposable to them, but I guess I didn't care about that when I thought I could be different." she hated herself for how easy that was to admit, how true she knew it was.

"No, 82 wait." he drew closer to her. 12 watched with an anxious expression.

"They weren't going to just get rid of you because the serum didn't work. It's because the serum is flawed."

She shifted her gaze, "What do you mean?"

"They're scrubbing the hunter project because of what happens after. There's a steady decline in quality of life..."

It felt like three bars of led had just been placed in her stomach.

"82, don't run. It's not going to end well. You should just-... just let them put you to sleep. It'll be painless." he had his hands on her shoulders now. He sounded so sincere, it made her sick.

82 tore away from his grip, the fury returning to her eyes, "The hell I will! I'll decide when my life is low enough quality to end it! I'm leaving! Stay out of our way and don't tell a soul about any of this, or I will find you, and I'll kill you." she snarled.

________________________________________________________________

The side effects:

"82, did you know that all the people out here have actual names? Ya know, like the scientists do, not numbers." 12 explained.

"Really?" she asked, tilting her head.

"Really! We need names." he decided. "I'll be... Sky." his gaze wistfully made its way up to his namesake. "I never want to be away from it again."

82 smiled, it was genuine and for once she didn't feel like a moron for making such a goofy expression. They were out. Screw what 63 said, any pain was worth it if it meant she got to live out here. Free.

Sky went to continue talking when he started coughing.

"You alright?" she asked, casually glancing over. Sky was doubled over with his hands on his stomach! "SKY!" she rushed to his side, trying to figure out what to do. Was he choking? Poisoned? He began to start spitting up blood, turning the dust below to mud. She watched in horror because it was all she could do. She had no medical training, and there was no where to find medicine for miles around. What was she supposed to do!

Sky started convulsing, falling onto his side and grabbing at the sand. He couldn't speak and blood was still pouring from his mouth. 82 tried to stop his thrashing, maybe comfort him, but when he stopped it was over. There was no pulse, and no breath.  

82 couldn't speak, she was shaking. This was her future. She was going to cough up blood and die screaming and thrashing in pain! She looked down and shut her eyes, how could she have been so stupid!? Why hadn't she just stayed and let them end it gently!?

She stayed curled in on herself until the sun began to dip. She had been going over and over in her head about what to do. She could sit here and wait, she could go back.... no. She had fought to be out here, to see this world! And she was gonna do it! She was going to fight for every day she had, and if she died in agony so be it!

She stood up, not shaky, not hesitantly, but with strength and purpose. She turned her head towards the sky and yelled, "I DIE ON MY OWN DAMN TERMS, DO YOU HEAR ME!!!???" but even as she yelled her rebellion in the darkening sky, she felt anxiety tugging at the bottom of her stomach. It would become her companion for many years to come. Always there quietly nagging her about how things would end. Writhing and screaming.

[browneyedhimbo]

The Note

Pairing: Poe Dameron x Reader

Summary: You love him, you do. But nice things don't last forever. It's like they say, if you love someone, you have to let them go

Warnings: Angst, crying, hyperventilating, mild panic attack, possible grammar errors

Word Count: 844

A/N: I'm so sorry I cant put a read more on, I'm posting it on mobile!! I was in a mood and this is what came about. It's literally mostly angst. Sorry in advanced. Let's ignore kylo is using the force, I just needed a sad poe gif Hope you like it! 《MASTERLIST》

You were tired. You were sick and tired of it, of the constant arguements, the helpless empty feelings, the pain and worry you always went through. You loved him, you truly did. But you couldn't keep up with it anymore.

Whenever he took off in that X-Wing, there was always a promise attached; don't do anything stupid and don't die. But of course he had to make some risky move and he had to endanger his life even more.

Everytime he'd get back it'd be the same argument. Why he had to take so many risks. Why you couldn't understand. Why this and why that. Sure you'd make up eventually, but the cycle repeats itself when he gets sent on yet another mission.

Tears blurred your vision as you wrote on the datapad. You inhaled a shaky breath and wiped your eyes but it only allowed for more tears to form. You didn't want to do this. But you had to.

You had to. You kept repeating it like a mantra, like it'd make you feel any better. But it did the opposite. Sobs wracked your body making you shake with emotion. You tried to steady your breathing but the lump in your throat wouldn't allow it.

You didn't know how long you were crying. Could've been hours, could've been minutes. You wiped your tear stained face and sat up again to finish the note.

Your eyes burned as more tears threatened to spill again, but you swallowed hard, really trying to compose yourself.

With the last touches of the note, you set the stylus down and looked around the room. So many memories played out before you, good and bad, and for a brief moment you contemplated your decision.

You bit your lip and grabbed the bag with all your stuff already inside. Casting one last glance, you sighed, every single emotion you felt starting to bubble up again. You nodded your head, definite on your decision, and closed the door.

•••

"Hey sweetheart! I'm back! Let me tell you that was one debrief. Can you believe - babe?" Poe looked the room curiously. You'd always greet him at the door with a kiss.

He rounded to the kitchen and saw you weren't there. He set his stuff down and checked the bedroom. Nothing. Panic slowly started seeping it's way into his chest as he couldn't find you anywhere in your shared quarters.

He sped back to the kitchen and checked the datapad for anything. Upon opening it, Poe saw there was a note written.

Poe,

I love you, I hope you know that. Being with you and sharing a life together has been wonderful and a pleasure but I can't keep up with it anymore. I hate the fighting, I hate being upset with you, I hate not having you in my arms.

This is killing me to write this as much as it's killing you to read this. I always thought we'd get married and have kids one day but with our jobs, with you being the best pilot the Resistance has, we can't. Not now at least.

Right now I think it's best we separate for a while and take a break. I'm not sure for how long. Please don't think of this as a final goodbye love because it's not.

One day, when the war is over, we'll see each other again. Hopefully we can start anew and be together and have our happy ending. But for now this how it has to be.

I love you Poe. You'll always be my universe, my stars, my flyboy.

Love,

Y/N/N

His heart pounded harder against his chest as read the note. His head was swimming and his ears started ringing, a small whimper escaping past his lips.

Tears started cascading down his cheeks while he slumped against the cabinets, datapad still in hand. Choked out sobs echoed the room as reread the note over and over.

Curling into himself Poe felt his world shatter. All the arguments you've had just playing out, everything he wanted to tell you but didn't. He tugged at his curls as he kept crying. The situation and reality of this moment punching him straight in the gut.

Hiccups left him as he lifted his head to look at the note once more. You said after the war, you'll see each other again. You could start your lives together again.

His body trembled as he tried to stand, using the counter to support his weight. He set the datapad down and tried to steady his breathing.

When the war is over, he'll get to see you and apologize for everything. He'll get to have you back. He'll get to propose and have that happy ending.

Taking a deep yet shaky breath, Poe held on to that glimmer of hope. He was going to do everything in his power to win the war and not die trying. Because he loves you just as much, as he's not ready to give up on you two just yet.

●●●●

Permanent tags: @becausewhyknotme @disasterbuckley @imma-new-soul @justmebeingtheweirdmeiam @officialtonystarkprotectionsquad @theladyoffangorn @itsunclebucky @mushyjellybeans @damnyoudameron ​ @agentpeggybarnes ​ @fangirl-introvert @ninjabucky @cosmicbucky @yougottakeeponkeepinon @this-kitten-is-smitten @a-timeheist @hp-marvel-starwars-kotlc

Poe Dameron tags: @kittyofalltrades @writefightandflightclub @damerondjarin @damndamer0n @poe-damnnn-eron @spider-starry @kayte-wren ​ @darksideofclarke ​@himbopoes @poeticandors ​@propertyofpoeandbucky @tintinwrites

[lo-mindpalace]

22 – “I cursed the gloom that set upon us, But I know that I love you so…”

Warning: Characters deaths and description of a “possibility” to the end of season 15. If you’re sensitive to the end of the show, please be careful. I made myself cry while writing it so I don’t want to trigger anyone. (I’m a sensitive crybaby tho)

(DEAN’S POV)

 “Sammy! Hold on. Come on, you can do it.”

I couldn’t hide the distress in my voice anymore. Sammy was in a bad shape, exhausted and a lot of wounds on his body. I was exhausted too, and bloody as Hell. But my brother’s state was more important than my broken carcass. Sam was alive but so tired, he didn’t have any strength left. I clicked my tongue on my teeth and looked around me. The red sky and the stormy clouds made the landscapes very gloomy. The thunder was growling. Heaven was falling and the destruction of Hell was making the ground tremble. Monsters, Angels, Demons, Humans, everyone was either fighting with madness or hiding in order to survive. This was the end. Our world was ending as Chuck decided it so. We tried to fight back. God is hurt and Amara too but they ran away, Jack and Billie chasing them. We tried to follow them but we had to protect our people. It was awful. We lost so many people. Charlie and Bobby from the Apocalyptical world – losing them again. Garth. Donna. Claire. Kaia. Patience. Well… Only Jody and Alex were still alive, if we can call being seriously injured and broken on the inside being “alive”. Everyone fought bravely but almost everyone died, and now my little brother was exhausted and I couldn’t let him die too.

I saw Baby on a corner, still alive. I nodded to myself and looked at Sam, semi-conscious.

“Okay, Sammy. Imma carry you to the Impala. I will take care of you, little brother. Hold on.”

I didn’t expect an answer so I immediately carried my giant and heavy brother. Some of my wounds opened again with the effort and it hurt like Hell but I had to keep going. And that’s what I did. I managed to put Sam in the car, in the passenger seat. I entered the car too and started it. I drove until we were in Lawrence, Kansas, where all had begun. The bunker was gone so he didn’t have a home anymore. But we had Baby. I stopped the car under a shelter made of metal sheets. Jody was here with Alex. The young woman was trying to heal her adoptive mother. When they saw Sam, their faces crumpled even more. There was no hope in their eyes anymore, and to be honest, I was no longer sure if I still had an ounce of hope left in me either. I sighed and put Sam on a kind of hospital bed we brought here. I bandaged my brother as much as I could and let him rest. I went out of the shelter and looked around me, the city of Lawrence or what was left of it. Most of the houses were destroyed. It was silent like in a graveyard.

Suddenly, I heard a car passing by us. I turned my head and saw Cas. My face crumpled, all my worry faded as I saw him still being alive. He just had the time to get out of the car that I rushed into his arms, gripping him like I was gripping to life. He was still alive.

“Son of a bitch, you scared me to death.” I said in an accusatory tone.

“I’m sorry, Dean… I’m here…”

I immediately withdrew. I didn’t like the way he was speaking. I looked at the angel with a frowny face. He was more tired than ever. He sighed and looked at me with a sad face.

“I may have found a way to help Jack and Billie. But I don’t know how much it will cost me.”

“No. Don’t say something like this whereas I only found you again.” I said, raising my voice.

“Dean, if there is any chance to save this world and save you and what is left of our family, I will take this opportunity, no matter what.”

“No matter what? You mean, ‘no matter if you have to die’?!”

I began to feel tears of anger and distress. No. He couldn’t do this to me. Castiel sighed again.

“Maybe I won’t die… Maybe I will just… give up on my grace.”

It was like my world was collapsing around me – well it was really collapsing though. Cas was ready to sacrifice himself, again. It was unfair. So unfair. I discovered my feelings toward him not so long ago and we… We have been dating since then and… No. I couldn’t accept that. Not anymore. I couldn’t let him go with Jack while I’m standing here with my poor brother. I had to do something too. I had to. I was unable to pronounce a damn word at the moment, everything was stuck in my throat. I was always bad with words anyway. But I really needed to tell Cas everything, but I couldn’t, as usual.  

Castiel cupped my face with one hand and stroked my cheek with his thumb. He gave me a faint smile, his beautiful and deep blue eyes immersing themselves into my green ones.

“I cursed the gloom that set upon us, But I know that I love you so…”

“So what…? You are ready to sacrifice yourself again?” I said, almost whispering.

I congratulated myself for having been able to say something. But I immediately focused on Castiel again, my speedy heartbeat hitting my chest.

“If it’s for saving you and the others, then yes. If I can only sacrifice my grace, then it’s better.”

“But Cas… Your grace…”

“It would be like this Elf woman who sacrificed her immortality for the man she loves, in the Lord of the Rings. You showed me those movies.”

I shook my head, making a humorless chuckle. A part of me was proud that Castiel had this freaking reference but this conversation and the price behind it were too serious. I gripped Castiel’s trenchcoat and squeezed it.

“Cas, we are not in a movie, this is real…” I said almost with a strangled voice.

Castiel erased my tears with his thumb and rested his forehead against mine. We both closed our eyes, our breaths mixing together. We remained silent for long minutes until I felt my angel kissing my forehead.

“I have to try.” He said. “I need to try and give Jack more power so he can have a chance to survive. I’ve been human before, so, I can be human again. If it means to survive and save this world, I’ll accept my fate.”

While speaking, Castiel put a little paper with something written on it in my hand. I frowned and looked at Cas with a confused face.  

“Take Jody, Alex and your brother to the Impala and go to this address. It’s not that far. Maybe one-hour-drive from here. I can’t tell you everything because I don’t even know myself, but go there. We will meet each other again in this place, I promise.”

“Promise me I will find you there alive.” I said nervously.

Castiel lowered his head. I sighed and bit my lips in order not to sob. Of course he couldn’t be sure of that. It was stupid from me to ask this from him. I swallowed hard and nodded, whispering a soft “okay”. My angel was about to say something but I couldn’t hear more of it. So, I cupped his angelic face and crashed my lips into his, kissing him as if it was the last time – and maybe it was. Castiel returned it and we kissed each other for long seconds, even minutes, simply enjoying this moment, having his body against mine, tasting his soft lips. I hated chick flick moments but right now, I didn’t fucking care if I looked like a wife saying goodbye to his husband whose going to war. I didn’t want a farewell and yet, maybe it was. We withdrew our lips just in order to breathe and sniff, tears rolling down our cheeks.

“I love you so much…” I said in a sobbing whisper.

“I love you, Dean Winchester. I will always love you.”

“Fuck, I wish our story would have begun way sooner than six fucking months.” I managed to say, my lips shaking too much.

“Our story began the day I raised you from perdition.” Castiel said before kissing me again.

I sobbed against my angel’s lips. He tried to soothe me one last time before withdrawing completely. He took my hand and stroked it.

“See you there, Dean…”

“See ya, Cas…”

I looked at my guardian angel, my savior, my lover, going into his car, looking at me one last time before starting the car and driving away from me. I guessed my heart went with him because at the moment I couldn’t feel a damn thing. I stayed there, alone, for a few seconds before passing a tired hand over my face, wiping my tears away. I looked behind me and saw that Sammy was looking at me too. Shit, he saw it. He saw me, all weak and hopeless, and broken. I took a deep breath and walked toward him. Now, I had to follow the plan. To go to the place Cas told me to. I needed to be strong for my little brother. For Jody and Alex. For Jack. For Cas. I needed to keep fighting. Until the end. No matter what. Because that’s what we always did.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Hey, hope you liked it... Sorry for the sad OS... I tried to make an open ending at least...

[mysteryartisticwriter]

Seventeen // Harley Keener X Reader

A/N: Why does no one write about this boy! I loved him in Iron Man 3 and just seeing him in Endgame after growing up so much made me really happy. Like Ty Simpson really had a glow up bro. He just turned 18 but I could have sworn he was my age like three years ago. So since Harley gets barely any recognition, Imma do it myself.

Also, there is a bit of an age gap between you and Harley but its not much, you two used to be the same age before but then the blip and he got older.

Harley - 21 years old

(Y/n) - 17 years old

REQUESTS ARE CLOSED BTW (FOR NOW)

Requested: Nope

Warnings: Death of a loved one, cursing and angst angst angst then fluff

For this story, you might wanna listen to this song (SOME LYRICS WERE CHANGED FOR THE SAKE OF THE STORY):

Not my gif!! (Please tell me if you, the owner, would like me to take the gif down!)

-

Harley could remember what he was doing when the blip had taken place. He was in his senior year of high school, graduation just a couple months away. He remembers his classmates starting to disappear out of the blue. People started screaming, no one knew what to do as people turned to dust.

More screaming had occured, crashes could be heard from outside and Harley just stood there in shock. He almost fainted as one of his friends had disappeared in front of him. There was only one explanation for this; the Avengers had lost to whatever they were fighting this time.

Harley ran out to the hallways in a panic, passing by others who had started to dust where they were standing. Finally arriving to his car in the parking lot, he drove home as fast as he could.

Once he entered his garage, the boy started to frantically search for a specific device. Harley found it after almost five minutes of searching, though it felt like five hours. He pressed down the main button, expecting to see his best friend’s hologram come up as usual, but nothing came.

Harley had one more thing, her number. While they prefer to chat over the device created by her, the two of them had exchanged numbers just in case. He pressed on her contact number and brought his phone to his ear, hoping to hear anything. But there was so answer.

With no other way to contact her, all Harley could do now was wait.

-

It seemed like an eternity while the 17 year old waited for a response. Since the event that happened a little more than two weeks ago, the world had been in a crisis.

School had been cancelled- the principal had been blipped apparently- and Harley took that time away from school to wait for his best friend.

Just then, a familiar beeping interrupted his thoughts and almost immediately, Harley rushed to his feet to grab the device.

He pressed down on the button and his expression turned to confusion when the face of his beat friend’s father answered instead of her.

“Harley?” The man asked.

“T-Tony? What happened? Are you okay? Where’s (Y/n)?” Harley replied.

A looming silence came over the two men as they stared at each other. The man, Tony Stark, had to refigure himself before be spoke.

“I-I’m sorry kid...I tried. I tried to save her but...”

Tony didn’t need to finish his words for Harley to figure out what had happened. The boy didn’t even realize he had ended the call as he accidentally dropped the device onto the floor.

His best friend; gone, disappeared and blipped along with the other half of the universe without knowing how her best friend actually felt about her.

-

Five years. Five terribly long years that the world had gone through after the Blip. Harley was now 21 years old, graduated highschool and in college. The world tried to move on, him included. But no one really ever got over the events.

Harley was just in his room when a sound interrupted his thoughts. The sound of his holographic communicator. He was halfly expecting either Morgan or Tony to be calling him, asking him the regular questions of how he was doing or when he was going to come and visit. But the face he saw was someone he did not expect.

A familiar (h/c) haired girl with (e/c) eyes only just visible through the hologram. As he stared in shock at the device, a teary eyed (Y/n) called out to him.

“Hey, Harley.”

-

The news of his father figure’s death had definitely surprised him. It just seemed out of nowhere. Not that he wasn’t sad about Tony’s death, he was such an amazing man. He wasn’t really told how he died, but (Y/n) promised she would tell him soon. When she asked him if he could fly down for the funeral in a couple days, Harley didn’t even hesitate to pack and leave. The Stark Inc. private jet had picked him up (most likely sent by (Y/n)), and within a few hours, he finally arrived in the upstate part of New York.

The man who had picked him up, Happy, opened the door to the house and gestured for him to walk in. Harley entered the Stark cabin noticing it was almost empty besides three people. He saw Pepper on the couch next to Morgan, she was holding back her tears as she held her daughters close to her under each arm.

His footsteps was overheard by the five year old girl, her head lifting up and her mouth formed into a small smile.

“Mama, Harley’s here!” Morgan called out.

The sound of her voice alerted several other people around them. Morgan had left her mom’s side to run up to Harley and hug him with all her might.

Pepper and (Y/n) finally looked up and the (h/c) haired girl felt a weight leave her shoulders as she caught the view of the blonde boy. She slowly rose from her spot next to her stepmother and stepped toward her old best friend.

“I’m glad you’re here.” She smiled, and Harley mirrored one back to her.

At that point, Morgan had finally let go of him and went to say hi to Happy.

Without hesitation, the 21 year old brought the girl into a giant bear hug and held her close as if he’d lose her again. He still could hardly believe she was here again, in front of him and alive. It wasn’t until he remembered the reason why he was there again that he released her of his hold.

“I’m so sorry, (Y/n). About Tony.” At the mention of her father’s name, (Y/n)’s face fell and more tears started to form in her eyes.

Not meaning to make her upset, Harley held her face in his hands while wiping away any falling tears.

“H-He died doing what he always does; saving what he loves he most.” She whimpered. Several tears cascaded down (Y/n)’s face but she held her posture strong, looking back at Harley with a crooked smile.

“You don’t know how much I missed you. Tony would almost never stop talking about how you and I would probably be going to the same college and-“

“Woah woah woah wait a minute, college?” (Y/n) had to take a step back for a moment. “Harley, how old are you?”

“I’m almost twenty-two. It’s been five years since you were gone, (Y/n). I’ve already graduated.” Harley explained.

With an unreadable look, the girl turned towards her mother and asked, “Mom, do you mind if Harley and I head outside for a bit? I uh...I just need to talk to him privately.”

“Sure thing, sweetheart. Morgan and I will be in the kitchen if you two need anything.” Pepper told them as Morgan waved bye to her sister and Harley, leaving to go into the other room.

The pair walked a short distance near the woods just outside the home. The birds chirped, fish kept swimming in the lake and clouds continued to fly in the sky as if there was nothing wrong with the world.

Harley and (Y/n) stood in silence for a few moments until the girl sighed.

“Remember when we were 13 and you helped me pull a prank on Rhodey?” She asked, causing the boy next to her to chuckle.

“Yeah, I think he was still finding glitter in his clothing a couple weeks later.”

“Or what about the time where you shot me in the face with your potato canon and I had a bruised eye for a month?”

“Oh god, I felt so guilty about that. I couldn’t stop apologizing for weeks.” The two best friends laughed together at the old memories.

With the almost complete quietness of the outdoors, it felt like it was just Harley and (Y/n) in the world. Just the two of them.

“I was there.” Harley looked at her with a confused expression. “I was there the day the er- ‘blip’, as you guys call it, happened. I fought against Thanos with my dad and Peter.”

Harley just barley remembers Peter. He was their age as well before he was dusted with her too. He hated to admit it, but the blond felt a tad bit envious of the brunette who could always fight along side his crush.

“I tried my best to fight him but...he was so strong. And no thanks to us, he snapped and half of the population was killed. If we had just stopped him before this...the blip would have never happened and my dad,” She paused for a moment. “My dad wouldn’t be dead.”

A choked sob came from the girl’s mouth as she tried to cover it with her hand. Shushing her slightly, Harley went in to hold (Y/n) again and rubbed his hand down her back.

“Shh...I know it hurts, (Y/n). Just let it all out.”

“God, I wish I could fucking raise that purple asshole from the dead just so I could kill him myself again.”

While he was a little shocked at the words coming out of his best friend’s mouth, but Harley said nothing as she continued.

“I wish I could just stab him over and over again just like how he stabbed dad in space...”

“Hey, hey...calm down. You don’t know what you’re saying-“ Harley was interrupted mid-sentence by his best friend pushing him away from her body.

“No! I do! I wanna hunt down every one last follower of that dick left and kill them! They deserve it. They took away my dad, they took away my life!” (Y/n) declared.

This wasn’t the same girl he met at 11 years old. She had gone through so much and now, all her mind was filled with was hate and anger. Hate towards the man who caused this, and anger towards herself for not being able to do anything else when her father was dying.

“(Y/n, I know you’re hurt but you can’t think straight at the moment! Just breathe and calm down!” The older boy tried to say, but he knew that the girl next to him was not listening.

“And you!” She pointed to him. “How can you be so chill about this whole situation? My dad, your father-figure and one of the greatest men you know is dead because of these people! How are you not upset?” Accused (Y/n).

He sucked in a deep breath to not act like your words did not hurt him. “I am upset, (Y/n). I am sad. I truly am! But I’m just trying to help you because I know this damaged you more than me!”

“I am not damaged!” She sobbed.

“Okay, okay! Fine!” Silence loomed over them besides the sounds of (Y/n)’s soft crying.

“We’re damaged, really damaged. But that does not make us wise!” The girl looked away from her best friend, not wanting him to see her at her lowest point.

“We’re not special, we’re not different. We don’t choose who lives or dies!” Harley tried to grab the (e/c) eyed girl’s hand but she snatched it away from him.

“Let’s be normal, see bad movies, sneak a beer or watch TV. We’ll bake brownies or go bowling...”

Harley had one more thing to try, and while he knew might regret this later, but helping his best friend was all that mattered now.

“Don’t you want a life with me?” In shock, (Y/n) turned her attention back to Harley.

“Can’t you be seventeen? That’s all I know you want to do...If you could let me in, I could be good with you.” Harley said as he finally managed to take (Y/n)’s hand in his.

“People hurt us-“

“Or they vanish.” A memory of Tony Stark hits both of them, his smiling face never to be seen again.

“And you’re right, it really blows.” He sighed. “But we let go...”

“Take a deep breath.” Sucking in air, the girl had at last managed to keep her breathing at a steady level.

“Then go buy some summer clothes.” Harley added making (Y/n) giggled.

“We’ll go camping or play some poker.”

“And we’ll eat some chili fries! Maybe your prom night...”

“Maybe dancing...” She blushed.

“Don’t stop looking in my eyes...” Harley sang, holding her face in his hands one more.

“Can’t I be seventeen? Is that so hard to do?”

Harley could see what she really wanted. Rest, just like her father. She wanted a chance to be normal and live the life that he did. And Harley was going to give that to her.

“If you could let me in, I could be good with you.” Taking her hand and stepping back, Harley twirled his girl as if they were dancing.

“Let her be seventeen, if we still got the right.” The two of them continued to sway a little, dancing in the grass but no music played.

“So what’s it gonna be? I wanna be with you.” Harley told her, holding (Y/n) close.

“I wanna be with you!”

“Tonight!”

The empty feeling Harley had over the course of the five years was now filled, the love of his life now back with him. Now, finally together with him. All he wanted to do was hold her, keep her away from her dangerous life and save her.

“Yeah, we’re damaged...”

“Badly damaged...” A tear escaped from your eye and Harley softly wiped it away.

“But your love’s too good to lose.” They sang together.

“Hold me tighter, even closer.” Harley began to bring her closer to his body, his head resting on her shoulder and her’s on his chest.

“I’ll stay if I’m what you choose...”

While the boy loved (Y/n), he knew he could not force her to make different decisions. If she loved him enough, she might just choose him.

“Can’t I be seventeen?” She continued.

“Cause I am what you choose.” Harley pulled away slightly from his love just enough to see her face.

“If we still got the right...” When (Y/n) looked up to Harley’s face, she could see that he was still afraid that she would still continue what she was saying earlier.

“Cause you’re the one I choose...”

“You’re the one I choose.” Smiling at her words, Harley tilted (Y/n)’s head up more by her chin.

While the feelings from earlier were still there, looming over her. (Y/n) Stark was thankful for Harley, he hasn’t given up on her and never has. There was always something else she felt for her best friend and ignored it. But all boundaries were crossed now.

“You’re the one I choose...”

Finally, the pair’s lips met in the middle and it felt like fireworks shot in their stomachs. For the first time in so long, (Y/n) finally felt normal.

-

A/N: Lemme know if you wanna be tagged in my stories!

TAGGED:

@dear-selena

[selfwriting-sugarquills]

For Erica🌟

A/N: So, @ickle-ronniekins​ has been going through some stuff recently and I just felt like I needed to do something to help her ease through the pain, I can’t do much, but I can write. So, Erica, I hope this helps even the tiniest bit, I didn’t know what else to do for you but please know that I wish you all the best, and I hope that with time, this hurt you’re going through will soften and become easier to cope with. I feel for you, love, and please take your time getting back to your routines in terms of writing - we’ll all be waiting for you once you do, your health and happiness comes first - xxx Amy 

Warnings: Hurt, angst, sad feelings, depression and all that jazz. 

Word count: 1.297

With a little help. 

(Imma just add a lot of gifs, because they always help me when I’m in that sad girl hours mood™) 

You turned on the water tap, dwelling on your washed-out reflection in the mirror for a moment, the mascara stains underneath your eyes, the redness in your skin, your hair messily pulled back, your whole face looked raw and swollen, it made tears make their way back into your eyes, you stared at the broken woman staring back at you for a moment before you sighed deeply and bent down. Splashing cold water on your face, why did cold water feel like acid in your eyes after you’d cried? you considered showering, you decided against it, these were your good pyjamas, you wanted to stay in them, you didn’t care anymore. You grabbed a glass of water on your way back to bed, people always said water helped, it never helped but it was worth the try. You slumped down on your bed, pulled the covers up over your body, in the darkness, you curled up. Then it returned, the pain in your chest, starting at the very base of your diaphragm, then evolving, unfurling like a lazily crumpled piece of paper, until tears filled your eyes and you had to grab a pillow to sob into, not wanting anyone to hear you despite being alone in your apartment, you felt weak, another sob escaped your body as you heaved and felt warm tears spill down your cheeks, there was no point stopping them, you had no control anymore. 

“Y/n?” George’s voice was as soft as the pillow your face was buried in, you didn’t answer. Not a moment later his chest was against your back, his form felt cold, you could tell he’d been outside, he smelled like fresh air, 

“Hey,” He soothed but it only made you choke out another sob, he attempted to turn you around, but he didn’t have to work hard, you spun around voluntarily and cried into his chest, the nice suit you’d gotten him was getting stained with old mascara and all of your feelings but you couldn’t care less, he held you close, whispering soothing things to you. You suddenly felt ridiculous, ashamed, weak. What on earth were you doing? 

“You’re home early,” you croaked through sniffles and shaky breaths, “why aren’t you at work,” 

“I wanted to be with you,” he stated, you knew the tone of his voice, he was worried. ashamed, you hid your face in his chest, breathing in his cologne like it was oxygen. 

“I’m sorry.” You whispered, 

“Don’t be.” 

“I am though,” you said, tears escaping your eyes again, your nose was running, George leaned back and grabbed a tissue from a box, you made gestures to take it but he dried your face himself, his chocolate eyes looking down at you with a mixture of hurt and love, he pressed a wet kiss to your forehead, 

“I feel miserable,” You groaned, he squeezed you tighter. “I know,” He said, “It’ll get better eventually, I promise,” he assured, rubbing circles into your back with a large, warm hand. 

“Can I do anything for you?” He asked, 

“Tell me nice things,” You sniffled, 

“Remember when I tricked Lee to drink a shot of our love potion and he spent the entire night swooning over a poster of Krum?” He said, his grin audible in his voice, you repositioned so that your head rested on his chest, you could hear his heartbeat through his silky waistcoat,  you didn’t feel better yet but the sound of his breathing was nice, 

“Or,” he said, trying to remember the best moments he’d had with you, “the first time I took you out on a date?” He chuckled, you head bobbed with his chest, “I tried to be all posh drinking tea, I don’t think I’d ever seen you laugh as hard as when I choked on the tea right as the waitress showed up asking how it was, I was such a git,” He was laughing lightly now, despite your sadness, a small, tiny, minuscule smile made its way onto your lips as a breath escaped your lips, it hitched in your chest, you didn’t care; it was the closest to laughing you’d been in days, 

“Tell me more nice things,” you said, your voice sounded raw and gravely, like pastel chalk on a warm asphalt road in August, 

“When I showed you the shop for the first time,” You closed your eyes, if you tried hard enough, you could remember how vivid the newly painted purples and oranges were, “I don’t remember much from that day but god, Y/n, when you gasped as you stepped inside, I remember that, the way your hands flew to your face, and of course, the night that followed,” He said in a suggestive tone, you slapped his chest lightly earning you a laugh, 

“Let’s see,” He murmured, you didn’t know, but he had a whole catalogue full of memories of you, all of them made his heart soar, his chest swell with pride at the fact that he had you in his life, you were his, and he adored you, no matter how sad you were, how hopeless the future seemed, you had each other, he would always be there for you, 

“When I introduced you to my family for the first time? I was so nervous about you seeing the Burrow for the first time, I actually cleaned, but then you turned up and the way you examined every little thing just made me fall for you even harder, blimey, I still remember exactly how you looked, is that weird? anyways, and then of course when I and Fred taught you how to play quidditch, I was so proud when you hit your first bludger, like a pro,” 

“I wasn’t as good as you, I had to suffer a few thumps in the stomach first,” you chimed in. Another kiss was pressed onto your hair as he squeezed you again,

“You still won over Fred, Ron and Bill, that’s really impressive, Love,” he said, 

“You remember how the sunlight looked that night, we stayed out all night watching the sunset,”

You closed your eyes, they stung and watered underneath your eyelids but you could remember it, the mixing vivid golden yellows, oranges and pinks that slowly turned violet, then a dark blue, Georges’ arms hadn’t left your midriff the entire time, the entire Weasley family wrapped in blankets as the sunset on Ottery St. Catchpole, you could still remember the smell of the peonies or maybe it was George’s cologne, 

“And of course, when I proposed to you,” He smirked, 

“God, you almost asked me like fifteen times,” you said, a smirk sneaking onto your own lips as well, 

“I don’t see why I couldn’t ask you in charms class,” he snickered, “it would’ve been perfect; all our friends were there,” 

“We were fifteen, George,” 

“Then the beach,” He suggested, “We were twenty then,” 

“I wash drenched, so were you,” You chuckled, looking up at him with a tearstained face, to him you were shockingly beautiful, he really didn’t tell you enough, 

“And then finally, for some reason still unknown to me, you said yes when I lost my ear,” he teased, his nose wrinkling like it usually did when he was poking fun at someone, 

“It seemed appropriate,” you said, “Because blood is more appropriate than the ocean,” “There was seaweed in my hair, you don’t understand,” you laughed, it felt unusual, laughing despite your heaviness, George laughed with you, 

“In hindsight, I -probably- shouldn’t have tried to spin you whilst we were in the water,” he said, “I said sorry though,” he assured, 

“I know. I love you.” You answered, 

“I love you too, I love you so much Y/n.” 

“Is this ever gonna get better?” You asked, your eyes still closed, 

“It will,” His hand grabbed onto your pyjama shirt, holding you close, “With a little help it will, I’m sure of it.” 

All you could do was hope he was right, and ask him to tell you more nice things. 

[dontworrysunflower]

I’ll Be Home for Christmas | v. (final)

welp...this is the end. i know it’s like way way WAY too late to post anything christmas themed but i wanted to get this done so i could work on some other things (which is a lot). anyways, thanks for sticking around and hope this is okay, it was kind of rushed and i would think of something and then completely forget about it the next second so i might be suffering for short term memory loss?? but anyways enjoy! OH ALSO i accidentally deleted one of my old fics so imma have to rewrite it so look out for an updated ‘First Date’ fic!

Warnings: horrible rushed writing, angst, tears

Word Count: almost 2.2k

Enjoy! previous parts in my shawn masterlist

•••

“You’re gonna be fine, Mariah.” Tilly said calmly over facetime, hoping her soothing voice would calm down the girl that was rapidly pacing her room hours before the party.

“I don’t know, Tilly. What if,” she snatched her phone off her desk and shoved her face into it, the only thing on Tilly’s screen were Mariah’s eyes. “what if he hates me for what I said to him? Now he realized I’m really not the one for him and he goes off to see some other girl again. This is all because I was too fucking scared.”

Tilly sighs. “It is because you were so scared.”

Mariah gives her a pointed look. “You’re not helping here Til.”

“Look M. At the end of the day you guys both obviously love each other and need to talk things out. So just listen to him. And he’ll listen to you. Because I know he’s suffered just as much as you have. But both of you need to give each other a chance to be happy with each other.”

Mariah sighs and sits on her bed. “But what if it doesn’t work out?”

Tilly chuckles. “But what if it does?”

Mariah rubs her face and looks at Tilly on her screen. “Why did you have to leave me when I need you most?” She joked, a sly smile on her face.

Tilly feigned shock. “I have family too ya know.”

They both laugh. Then a silence washes over the two girls.

“Just,” Tilly starts, her face soft with concern. “I want you to be happy. And if that’s with him then never let it go because there is no one like him.”

Mariah gave her a smile. “Thanks Til.”

There’s a yell on Tilly’s side. “Well I gotta go. Good luck and call me tomorrow!”

Mariah nods before the call ends. She stared at herself on her phone screen, the look of fear, and some hope.

“Mariah! Thirty minutes!”

Mariah walked over to her closet. She didn’t want to dress up, didn’t want to make it seem like she was desperate, because she’s not.

I don’t think anyone is more right for my brother than you are

Aaliyah’s words have not left her mind. The feeling of regret has eaten her up. She feels bad for getting mad at him, but could you blame her? He left her after an amazing night for someone else for publicity. She wanted to run back in his arms and forgive him, give him all of the affection they both have been craving from the other. But she can’t. It’s not like her to just give up easily, to just fall on her knees for a guy when he finally notices her. She grew up with only her mom, and she learned the hard way not to just give men what they want.

And even though she does want the certain guy, she needed to see him fight harder for it, for them.

But she has to work harder too.

She was mad at first, but now, she has to fight.

What a christmas this was going to be.

•••

There was soft muffled music playing just outside the Mendes household. Cars were parked on the side of the street, people visiting on this christmas eve.

“I think you can just-” her mom said as she opened the door, holding a dish of food with the other against her hip.

The warmth rushes past Mariah's shoulders, soft holiday music filling her ears, kids yelling and adults laughing and drinking come into view.

“Mariah? C’mon sweetie.” Her mom said, beckoning her further into the home.

She looked down at the carpeted group as she took off her coat, hoping no one noticed her and brought attention to her.

“Mariah!” She hears Karen’s chirpy voice shouted. She had a tray of food in her hand, a christmas themed apron around her waist.

Mariah flashed her a tight lipped smile and walked the small distance to her, giving her a side hug. “Merry Christmas, Karen.”

“And to you, love. Would you like anything to drink?” She put the tray down and wiped her hands off on the apron.

“Oh don’t worry about me, I’ll find my way around.” Mariah insisted, waving off the older woman.

Karen gave her a pointed look, but picked up the tray again and smiled at her sweetly. “Well, this is your home, so make yourself comfortable.”

She smiled back and walked into the kitchen, watching as other people put food on plates and opened drinks. Parents serving their kids food, the kids faces scrunching up as they watch their parents put food on their plate they don’t like.

“Hey Mari.” Mariah turned to see Aaliyah, smiles at her and holding a soda in her hand.

“No boyfriend today?” Mariah teased, picking at the end of the table.

Aaliyah laughs and sips at her soda. “Unfortunately no, he went to visit his family in Edmonton.”

Mariah nods and looks down at her fingers, not knowing what else to say. Where is Shawn?

“He’s on his way.” Aaliyah said out of nowhere, as if she was reading her mind.

“Oh, I-uh I wasn’t going to ask.”

“No I know,” Aaliyah started, her eyebrows raised. “just, thought I’d let you know.”

“Okay.” She breathed out nervously, turning around to pour herself a drink.

•••

After a while, and Mariah has a couple of drinks in her system, her ears perk up when everyone lets out a loud cheer and the front door slamming.

Wait, I’m not ready. She thought.

Mariah hurriedly gulps down her drink, eyes wide in panic. She runs to the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind her as the yelps calmed down.

“Honey, are you okay?” Her mother knocked on the wooden door, her voice laced in worry.

Mariah scratches her neck in nervousness. “Yeah, I’ll be out in a minute.”

She waits to hear the footsteps fade before letting out a loud, exasperated breath. She digs her fingers in her hair, eyes bulging, lips chapped from her heavy breathing.

She’s not ready. He hates her for how she reacted. He tried explaining but she kept interrupting him. She waited for this moment for so long and she doesn’t know if she’s ready. He could have completely changed his mind in a day and went back to her, he could have forgotten all about her.

But she won’t know unless she talks to him.

So she straightens out her shirt and unlocks the door, bravely swinging it open to the dark hallway. She sighs heavily, “You can do this.” Mariah softly repeated to herself as she walked into the light of the living room.

And there he was, his tall lanky self walking around greeting everyone. He gets to her mom and as he hugged her he must have whispered something in her ear, because she gives him a knowing smile and points to Mariah.

Shawn stands up straight and flashes her a smile before giving her a little wave before he disappears into the kitchen.

Maria walks further into the living room and thrusts herself into a conversation with one of his aunts, distracting herself.

•••

After a while, a little past midnight, everyone gathers in the living room to share gifts. Aaliyah sat on Mariah’s right while her mom sat on her left. Mariah’s eyes never left Shawn’s figure as he walked into the living room, his tattooed hand holding the neck of a beer bottle, his cheeks rosy from all of the alcohol, his smile wide as he laughed along one of his cousins.

Mariah and Shawn lock eyes for a split second before she looks away and he clears his throat, sitting on the edge of the ottoman across from her.

“Before we get to passing out the gifts,” Karen started as she sat on the floor by Manny’s feet, her arm locked around his leg. “Shawn has to sing his annual christmas song of choice.”

Everyone cheers and claps and Shawn gives his mom a pointed look as someone came behind him and handed him a guitar.

He situated the instrument on his lap and strummed a couple of chords, tuning the guitar. “Any suggestions?”

No one spoke up, people looking around and raising eyebrows at each other. “You choose!” Someone shouted.

Shawn’s brows furrowed as he continued to play with the guitar. Mariah could see his eyes widen in realization as he fixed the guitar on his lap and cleared his throat.

“I’ll be home for christmas, you can count on me. Please have snow and mistletoe,” His eyes flickered up to meet Mariah’s, his fingers plucking each string. “and presents underneath the tree.”

Mariah sucked in a breath, her clammy hands rubbing against her jeans.

“Christmas eve will find me, where the love light gleams. I’ll be home for christmas, and you’ll be in my dreams.”

His eyes were still trained on her as he absentmindedly played every guitar string. Her mind was racing and her heart was beating rapidly as he gazed at her and continued to sing.

“I’ll be home this christmas, darling, I’ll be coming home to you. And there’s nothing in the world, gonna get in my way.”

And suddenly it’s too much for Mariah to take. His stare on her boring holes into her. The words he’s singing hitting her aching heart are too hard for you to handle. She heaves, her hand clutching her shirt to keep the tears in as she runs off.

She hears the gasps and whispered questions as she runs off the back porch, her breath visible in the cold winter air.

She looks out onto the grass, trying to calm her breathing and to stop the tears before they fall down her face when she hears the door slide behind her, heavy feet crunching the snow beneath them.

“Mariah-” His voice was rigid and hoarse from the alcohol and the singing, but she can hear the disparo in his voice, the sadness, the guilt and all she wants to do is turn around and hug the life out of him, but she can’t. She needs to know how he feels before she can do anything.

“I’m sorry.” She interrupted, her voice shaking as she sobbed, the hot tears blurring her vision of the white landscape.

“No honey,” He starts, his hand coming around her to hold her close. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You-you acted exactly how I thought you would and I’m sorry I took you for granted. I was a complete dick for how I treated you and you have every right to be mad at me.” He stroked her arm as she sobbed into his chest, his lips grazing her hair in a sweet kiss.

She calms her breathing before she can think of what to say, his warm embrace bringing her back to reality. “Why didn't you just tell me the truth in the first place?” She sniffed, her arms moving to wipe at her cheeks.

He sighed against her hair. “I guess, I always thought you’d be there for me and I took that for granted. I never meant to hurt you.”

It was silent between them for a while, their minds racing with every little thought they had that could be put into words.

“I want to be with you, more than anything.” He broke the silence, his hand coming up to stroke her hair. “And I will spend the rest of my days showing you just how much you mean to me and how much I cherish you and need you.” He pulls away to cup her face, his fingers warm against the cold tears on her cheeks. “I need you in my life. More than anything and I understand if you want to be friends but I cannot live in a world without you, I refuse to. I’m sorry for all of the shit I’ve caused, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to explain sooner, but I’m here now, and so ready to have you,” He paused, his eyes trailing over her face. “if you’ll have me?”

Mariah stares at him for what feels like hours but it was only a couple of seconds before she lunges further into his arms and kisses him like it’s been a thousand years (it has).

She lets the tears fall against she feels his own start to fall in mix with her as they kiss, teary smiles and laughs between the two as they pull away.

“I want you more than anything.” Mariah sobbed. “I want you through the bad and the good and the ugly, just all of you.”

He nods vigorously in agreement, his smile taking over his face. He cups her face again and pulls her back in a chilly kiss.

After a while of just kissing, they resorted to hugging when their lips were too swollen to continue their attack on the others.

Mariah sighed contently into his shoulder, squeezing him tighter.

“I’m so glad you came home for christmas.”

Permanent Taglist: @shawnssongs @shawn-youth @alles- - oder- nichts (do on computer)@zabdisamor @iammechick @it’s-not-a-peter-tingle @iloveshawnieboi @turtoix @wildflower-cth @heyits-claire @mutuallynotmutual @emilyxkate @silverreading @sweetpeabellamyblakedracomalfoy @blairscott @nervousyouths @rbforsmileycal @shawnsvanity @skarsgard-bill-sstuff @lostandfallenstar @sixwyrxstuff @quacksonhq @shawnwyr @a-dorky-book-keeper @sohani02 @sleepybesson @unsolvedhearts @reallysparklychaos @honeyrosemuffins @shawniebunny22 @katiaw2 @lover2448 @justanotherwriter-fangirl @hollandraul @shawns-sunflower @imaginashawnns @vinylmendes @havethetimeeofyourlifee @ilsolee @feliciaceciliamariajacobsson @harrysfruits @marissje @imbjapan @ihopeweneverseeoctober @masintahin @meatte @dancing-oceans @chonmnds @fallmoreinlove @cosmicmndes @lanallaa @fallinallincurls @wholeheartedlymendes @yslsaint @cevansh @omgdani17

[pixelatedrose]

A Rose For A Valentine

Part 1/Part 2/Part 3/???

Word Count: 1504

Cast:

Lochesis Lodgick (logic). Lo, Lochy, Sisi for nicknames

Pandora Morralitie (morality) Panda, Pan, Dora, Pancake for nicknames

Rose Kreativve (creativity) Ro, Princess for nicknames

Valentine Anxxiatie (anxiety) Val, Valen for nicknames

Dahlia Desceat (deceit) Dahl, Di, Dahli for nicknames

Ruby Kreativve (Remus/intrusive thoughts) Ru, Ruru for nicknames

Riley Sleapp (Sleep) Riy, Lili for nicknames

Emily Picani (Emile) Em, Emmy for nicknames

Trigger warnings: Verbally fighting, Breakdowns, mentions of sex, uncensored swearing, fake friends

Chapter 3

  Rose walked out of the classroom, knowing Pandora would be calling her later to ask why she'd lied.

  Rose didn't ride the bus home.

  She never had.

  She just didn't want that stupid emo nightmare trying to talk to her, no matter what the reason.

  "Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid…!" Rose muttered to herself as she stormed out of the building. So much for a good first day of school…

  What had happened at lunch was a nightmare that wouldn't be easily forgiven, regardless of the fact that Valentine wouldn't have had any way of knowing.

~~•~~

  "It's none of your business who Pandora is friends with!" Valentine shouted. "And who's to say that maybe she'd rather be friends with someone who's deeper than a puddle on the sidewalk!"

  Rose's mind jumped into action. This emo was starting to cross over the line of things Rose was willing to put up with.

  "Are you calling me shallow?!" Rose yelled, holding a hand up to her chest dramatically on instinct, having her friend's joke and tease with her about the subject in the past. This was different.

  "If by shallow you mean that I wouldn't get my feet wet if I stepped in you with no shoes on then yes."

  Rose was furious now. "Bitch!! Who the hell are you to tell me who I am?!"

  "I don't have to; it's written all over your everything!"

  "At least I try and be friendly instead of hiding in the back of the classroom and sulking like someone just killed my dog!!"

  "Well at least I know my friends want to be my friends!!!"

  Rose stopped and fell back on her fears.

  They're just sticking around out of pity.

  They're not real friends.

  They'll all leave eventually.

  They don't really want to be around you.

  Rose didn't hear the emo try and keep the fight going, she just turned and walked off, unable to get a grip on her emotions. She clenched her fists and held her breath, fighting down her bitter thoughts.

  Lochesis finally caught Rose's shoulder, snapping the redhead back to reality.

  "Rose, hold on-" Lochesis started but was cut off when she saw Rose fighting back her tears.

  "What if she's right though…!" Rose finally choked out, her voice just barely a squeak.

  Lochesis didn't hesitate in embracing the golden eyed girl, letting her friend take a few shaky and choked sobs into her shirt. The tall girl lead Rose over to the stairwell a few steps away and say her friend down on the bottom steps, soothing her long-time childhood friend with coos and quiet shushs.

  Pandora jogged up to the pair and struck Rose with a soft and tight hug, comforting the girl back into reality.

  "I'm okay now…" Rose said, swallowing down her tears.

  As her distress fell away, anger quickly rose to replace it.

  Rose clenched her fists again. "That stupid bitch is gonna get what's coming to her, just you wait. I'll-"

  Pandora quickly jumped up. "NO!!" She shouted. Seeing Rose and Lochesis startle, she calmed her voice. "No. Listen I know Val hurt your feelings, but she didn't know that, A, you have self esteem issues, and, B, that it would hurt you that much." Pandora's big blue eyes pleaded from behind her glasses. "Please give her at least a chance? She's been my best friend since I was like two years old and she's got no other friends. And if you two ended up fighting, well…" Pandora paused, thinking about the situation and shook her head as if clearing it of unkind thoughts. "It'd be sad!!" She stated plainly.

  Rose slouched her shoulders. "Did you even hear what she said?" Her eyes glared down at the tiled floor. "And I don't think she'd be one to actually even want to make up with me." Rose gestured down the hallway back to the cafeteria. "I mean look at her!! She looks like Tim Burton hand crafted her and through some satanic experiment brought her to life!!"

  Lochesis looked at Rose curiously. "Didn't you mention this morning how much you love Nightmare Before Christmas?"

  Rose waved a hand at her friend. "Shut up, just...shuuu."

  Pandora pouted. "You're not even gonna try?" She asked dejectedly.

  Rose looked down and picked at the holes in her jeans. She finally stood up, throwing her hands over her head. "Fine!" She huffed. Pandora started clapping her hands before Rose pointed at her. "But I'm still not talking to her today! It'll have to wait till tomorrow or something."

  Pandora still bounced a little. "Yay~!! I'm glad you're not giving up on my strange dark daughter!!"

  "What even-" Lochesis started to question before Rose's huffing interrupted her.

  "God what a shitty day this is turning out to be…" Rose groaned.

  Pandora gasped and stood on her tiptoes to cover her girlfriend's ears. "GASP!! Watch your language, Rose! We don't want the human computer learning it, you don't know WHO she'll start repeating it to!"

  Lochesis pulled the honey haired girl's hands off the side of her head, settling for them draping over her shoulders. "I'm not a child, Pandora, I know swear words," she leaned her head back to smile at the short girl. "But thank you for worrying, darling." She winked and Pandora nearly fell over herself.

  Rose rolled her eyes, smiling widely. "You two are sickeningly adorable." They laughed together as the bell rung and they parted ways.

  As soon as her friend's were out of sight, the bright smile faded from Rose's face entirely.

  "Well at least I know my friends want to be my friends!!!"

  Was Valentine right?

  Rose couldn't help but feel that maybe she was.

~~•~~

  Rose waited outside the school thinking about the day. Rose had only grown more upset when she'd found out that the emo was in her chemistry class as well.

  Rose shook herself and stood straighter. C'mon, I bet she's not that bad. She's just a little prickly, that’s all. We can make up tomorrow and then everything will be fine! She told herself.

  "Ro-ro!!" A girl that looked strikingly similar to Rose ran up to her. "Guess What?!"

  Rose have an exasperated sigh and rolled her eyes. "Please don't tell me you damaged my reputation again, Ruby…"

  Ruby giggled and shook her head. "Oh no, I do that on the daily, I don't have to try to do that!" Rose made an offended noise before Ruby had to dodge a playful battering from her sister. "I got a GIRLFRIEND!!" She shouted gleefully.

  Rose stood shocked in the middle of the walkway as she watched her sister. "You What?!" She nearly shrieked.

  Ruby nodded up and down. "Yep!! You heard me right! Duchess Trash-Bitch landed herself a date with only the most suave girl in school!!"

  Rose snorted. "Pah-lease, Ruby, I don't think that's possible seeing as we're sisters, so go check your facts."

  Ruby pushed Rose so hard she fell into a bush. "You think you're so high and mighty but whatever. Besides, Dahlia is way cuter than you'd ever hope to be, loser."

  Rose stopped. "Dahlia? As in stage director Dahlia?" Rose thought to their student director for last year's winter play. She had known that Ruby and her had become good friends after that year, but she didn't know they'd become that close.

  Ruby nodded happily. "Yep!! That's my girl!!" Ruby sighed happily. "Heheh...Imma fuck her so-"

  "GROSS, RUBY!!!" Rose shouted, shoving her sister. "I don't wanna hear about your gross fantasies!! Keep them to yourself, will ya?!"

  Ruby cackled maniacally. "I was kidding!! Mostly…" She added the last part a bit quieter.

  "In any case I still don't want to hear about your gross sex fantasies! Keep those and whatever other disgusting thoughts you have to your self!" Rose said.

  Rose and Ruby were twin sisters, the only thing telling them apart being a small mole under Ruby's left eye and Ruby's slight height difference, Rose being just a tad shorter. They were best friends- partners in crime! Ruby was always the one to mature up and console Rose after failed auditions and fights, and Rose would always sit there listening to Ruby’s bad days and grievances. They were as close as two sisters could be. A team.

  As Ruby went on and on about how wonderful Dahlia was, Rose was finding it harder and harder to keep up her smile.

  First Lochy and Panda, now Ruby and Dahlia… Rose thought. Everyone seems to have someone in their lives but me...I wonder who else will beat me to the stage of romance…

  The two girls finally got home where Ruby very excitedly and loudly announced her new girlfriend to their parents, who delightfully listened to her rant about her day till dinner was done.

  Rose picked at her food and got up before it was finished. "I'm gonna go take a shower."

  "Don't drown!!" Ruby called after her sister.

  Rose turned on the water and stepped inside before curling up and hugging her knees to her chest.

  She thought of the entire day and what Valentine had said.

  And Rose began to cry, letting the sound of the water mask her sobs as she let the day wash over her and down the drain.

  Hey y’all, sorry this is so late! It’s a short chapter I know, but I hope you liked it! I don’t really have much of an excuse for having this out so late, I just kinda had life catch up to me and lost a ton of motivation. despite that, I had fun writing this in the last hour-ish or so! Hope you liked it!!

  Okay so I just edited this and wow there were a lot of things I messed up. In my defense, I wrote and posted this at like midnight. In any case I fixed it, so I hope you find this version a bit better!

  And one last thing before I go; I drew all of the main cast for A Rose For A Valentine (Valentine, Rose, Pandora, Lochesis) Would all of you like to see them all?

  Okay that’s it, love you all byyee~!!

[artificialqueens]

And Now, We Wait (Branjie) - SnowBun

A/N: This took two weeks, at least ten cups of coffee, a visit to my best friend I haven’t seen in three years that lives eight hours away, and a fantastic beta (thank you and bless your soul pink-grapefruit-cafe) to write. Sorry to keep everyone waiting for this one since I announced I was writing this WEEKS ago, but it took a lot of planning and visualizing. I hope I do your Branjie dreams justice. If you have anything to message me or want me to write stuff, message me on holymolypestoaioli!! Xoxo

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Break-ups aren’t supposed to be this amicable. Not that he would know. To be honest, he’s really just guessing at this point.

The words and the bright white smile plastered on Jose’s face makes him think it’s not so bad, but then he sees the pain in his eyes. It isn’t like a knife that he plunged straight into his chest. No, it’s more like a flesh-eating disease.

He isn’t sure which one of them starts crying, but he knows he’s the first one to start laughing. His soft chuckle blends with his cackle, a cacophony of sound that paints the taupe hotel walls with miserable irony.

The smile on Jose’s face fades away with the laughter, and he thinks he’s never seen anything more heartbreaking before in his life. It’s all that is good and beautiful in the world, and he’s tearing it apart with his bare hands.

He opens up his arms, and when the shorter man melts into him, he realizes how unfair life is. The tears soaking through his grey t-shirt don’t belong there. The pained, heaving breaths don’t belong there. The only thing that belongs are the arms wrapped around his waist, tight like a corset.

Don’t leave.

He means for the thought to pass, but it lingers in his brain a little too long, just enough to make him wonder if this is the right thing to do. It’s just enough to make him wonder if this is what freedom should feel like.

There’s a final sob and shake to the fragile body with its skin like papers slipped under hotel room doors. He pushes away the thought, stores it in a filing cabinet that he might look at one day.

Jose pulls away from him, and he searches for the disease that dulls the glimmer in the brown eyes he’d started to call home. He hides them well enough for him to let any thoughts of taking it all back fade away.

He places a kiss on his forehead. There are words there, just floating around in the air, but he doesn’t say them. He leaves them there for Jose to find in the morning.

He loves him, he’s sure. He wouldn’t leave him if he didn’t.

December is easy enough to get through.

The number of whispers that she’s on season 11 are proportional to the gigs that she’s offered, and the ache in her chest decreases exponentially. Reducing everything down to simple mathematics makes the time pass by faster.

She’s finishing up a gig in Texas when she meets a man whose skin turns purple under the lights of the bar. When she pushes him against a wall outside the club and smears her lipstick on his mouth, she remembers that his name is Charlie.

The hook-up in her hotel room is so fast that she doesn’t even take off her make-up. She crashes onto the bed, sated and spent, and turns over to watch Charlie throw his legs off the edge. He laces up his shoes and takes a bottle of water out of the fridge.

All of a sudden, she feels too naked. She covers her lower half with the sheets, but she knows that it has nothing to do with skin.

She looks out the wide windows overlooking the city and wonders what the city below sounds like. Does it sound like stumbling out of clubs in Chicago, drunk on kisses and tequila? Does it sound like blaring car horns in New York when the cab can’t get her to a gig fast enough to calm a petite queen’s nerves?

“Hey.”

Charlie’s voice breaks her out of her reverie. As she watches him scribble something on the notepad on the desk, she realizes that he’s really not her type. He’s too tall and clean cut. Not to mention his ass is flat.

She feels nothing when he kisses her goodbye.

The walk from the bed to the desk feels nothing short of mechanical. She takes a seat and looks in the mirror she’s left there. The lack of a wig and the sullied /;/makeup only vaguely remind her of Brooke Lynn. It seems about right because she isn’t sure if she feels like herself anymore.

One wipe after another erases any trace of Charlie from her lips. She watches herself scrub at them, but she doesn’t stop when it starts to sting.

She looks at the notepad and sees that he’s left his number behind. She rips off the piece of paper, balls it up, and throws it in the bin along with the string of numbers she’d encrypted in her head five months ago.

When all the makeup is gone, he goes to the bathroom and lets the shower run for a minute. He thinks he needs a cigarette. Or maybe two. Maybe a pack if he’s really being honest with himself.

He allows the scalding hot water to turn his skin red. The colour doesn’t make him think of flushed chests with cat tattoos after too many shots. He swears it doesn’t.

It’s the last Saturday of 2018 when she decides to call her.

“Hey!”

Her voice is bright, like LA sunshine streaming in through windows over pancakes for breakfast. She tastes the ghost of the sweetness of real maple syrup, none of that weird synthetic stuff, on her tongue when they fall into bed together.

“Hi.”

The word comes out as a shaky, tired sigh. She doesn’t realize how exhausted she is until she hears it. The past month has been nothing but work, and if she’s doing it to distract herself from how lonely she feels, she let it happen anyway.

“How you doing?”

I just smoked a pack of cigarettes because I wanted to breathe in air that doesn’t feel like it belongs to you.

“I’m doing good. You?”

“I got a gig here in Sacramento tonight.”

It’s 2000 miles too far away. She wants to see her, to just look at her to remind herself that she’s real, that those four months of happiness weren’t just a dream that she conjured up to keep herself sane.

As if on cue, she hears someone remind Vanjie that she has half an hour to get ready. She chuckles when she hears her reply with the requisite, “Yeah, yeah, I got it, bitch.” She misses it more than she wants to admit.

“Keep me company while I get ready?”

“Sure.”

She stays quiet, thinks of how she probably looks doing her makeup. The way she scrunches up her nose when she puts on the translucent powder, the way she squints her eyes when doing all the little details, the way she smiles when she thinks the contour is just right.

In contrast to the now blurred lines of her overdrawn lips after a night of performing and making out with trade, she thinks she must look perfect.

“Sooooo,” She drags the word out like a cigarette. “People suspect you’re coming back?”

“Bitch, I don’t gotta say a damn thing, all them hoes already know.”

She shrugs, feels the latex stuck to her shoulders as it shifts against her skin. “Well, no one deserved to come back more than you.”

“Awww, thanks B. Now, don’t make me cry or Imma head over there and whoop your ass.”

The banter is nice, normal, routine. It isn’t the game of pretend she was expecting. It’s friendship, and it’s a good one. She realizes it isn’t so bad after all.

“Shit.” She hears something fall. “Sorry, dropped my palette.”

“Damn, is it okay?”

“Broke an eyeshadow.” There’s a groan and she holds back a bemused laugh. “No worries, you’re going to get me a new one with that Anastasia money anyway.”

“You don’t even know if I’m going to win.”

“Ha!” She says it so loudly that she’s scared that she’ll lose hearing in her right ear. “You kidding me? I know you gonna win.”

She raises a sculpted eyebrow; ignores that she can’t see it on the other end. “What about the Dreamgirls, then?”

“Bitch, those hoes ain’t gonna give me shit if they win.”

The banter goes on, and if either of them remembers that the last time they spoke was when they woke up from drug-induced comas after being addicted to each other, they don’t mention it.

“You’re the only pussy I’ve ever fucked.”

She almost spits out her drink on the vanity. When she’d invited him to come to one of her gigs in LA, she wasn’t expecting him to be so distracting; but she doesn’t complain. He’s welcome to annoy her anytime, if she’s honest.

She spins around, throws a glare at the tiny Puerto Rican man cackling like his jaw has unhinged. His whole body laughs with him, his legs and arms flailing.

The laughter dies down into small chuckles, and she turns back to the mirror. She doesn’t remember putting that much blush onto her cheeks earlier.

The noise coming from the bar outside creeps its way into the dressing room, their safe haven. She wants everyone to shut up, wants everyone to respect how comfortable she is as she sinks into the blend of laughter and silence.

She’s called him every single day over the past two weeks, almost at the exact same time. She wants to be his friend, wants to be everything that she can to him without the commitment she knows she can’t afford. If it’s anything more than a desire for companionship, she overlooks it.

When she hears him humming along to American Boy, she stops begging for the music outside to stop.

She stares at herself in the mirror, all perfect lines and blended edges. She isn’t the best at painting her face, but as she watches the way her cheekbones shine under the fluorescent lights, she convinces herself that she’s damn good at it at the very least.

The material of her literal catsuit feels like a second skin. She looks at him through the mirror, watches as he scrolls through his phone and unconsciously bites his lip, and ignores how much she wants him to peel the layers away.

“Hey,” She turns to him, two lipsticks in her hands. “What color should I do?”

He taps a finger against his chin, and her eyes drift to the lips he’s puckered like he’s sucking on a Sour Patch kid. She’s mesmerized by the way his eyebrows furrow, the way his eyes narrow, the way he can’t stop making him look anywhere but fuck, stop it.

“The red one.”

Of course, he picks the red one. It’s his colour, and she knows it. He owns it, owns the ruby running through her veins, owns the plush velvet her feet rest on in her favourite hotel room, owns the sangria that goes straight to her head on Sundays with friends.

“Thanks.”

She draws his name, his body, his soul onto her lips. She sketches the sharp, precise lines, observes the way they turn into pleas stuck in the back of her throat because she’s too scared to be anything other than free.

“Good?”

He shoots her a smile and a thumbs up, and she wonders why she was expecting more.

There are three different moments where he thinks about refusing Jose’s offer.

The first is in the dressing room, when she takes off her mask and watches in the mirror as the one underneath smiles. He asks her if she wants to keep drinking at his place, laughingly says that it’s drinks and nothing more.

The second is when they’re walking, and all he can feel is the heat of LA, even in January. He sees the orange light of a streetlamp highlight the twinkle of Jose’s eyes in the absence of stars in the sky. He can’t really say no to that.

The third is when they’re at his front door, and Jose’s trying to dig his keys out of his pocket. “Shit, fuck, bitch,” He says under his breath, and he thinks he looks quite cute when he’s all frustrated.

He steps into the living room, and it hits him that everything is the same. Everything from the picture of Jose and his mom on the coffee table to the crease in the couch that he falls into when he gets home from the airport is the same.

By 3 AM, he has his long legs folded up onto the couch and his head set on Jose’s lap. There’s a hand playing at his curls, the colour of sunlight at noon. They listen to the sound of cars and steady breaths. It’s cosy, like sitting in front of fireplaces during winters in Canada.

“Remember those cream puffs we got that one time?”

“Mhmm.”

“Shit, I miss ‘em.”

He chuckles. He can still feel the alcohol coursing through him, even if it’s been half an hour since they’d last taken a shot of tequila that someone gave Jose for his birthday.

“You scared of anything?”

“What?”

“Anything.”

He thinks about his fear of showing too much emotion, his fear of failure, his fear of hurting people that fill the void that sucks everything up. They flash through his mind like a scrapbook, reminding him of all the things he pretends to not be afraid of.

“Spiders.”

“What the fuck?” He wonders briefly if the neighbours ever wake up in the middle of the night to that voice. “I was not expecting that.”

He laughs, and one of his curls is twirled around a finger. It’s intimate, but not romantic. It’s what they both need in a world as cold and cruel as the one they’ve signed up for. Not enough feels better than nothing.

“I have a flight at 10.”

There’s a groan, and an arm is thrown over his body before he can even make an attempt to get up. “Just leave your long log body here, we don’t gotta move.”

He looks up, sees the head thrown onto the back of the couch, and knows that the decision really isn’t his to make.

When Promo week rolls around, she suddenly feels the weight of thousands of eyes on her. They’re so heavy that she thinks that they might not even allow her to board the plane to LA.

They go to shoots and interviews, some of which she doesn’t even try to feign interest in. Her ears burn at the sound of questions repeated by different people who will never get to know who she is by asking her what filming was like.

The only thing that makes it better is drinking in Nina’s room at the end of the day. She’s sprawled out on the bed, Vanjie sitting on the edge beside her. Somewhere, she can hear Silky’s banshee laughter at one of Nina’s spot-on impressions.

The world stops in the small hotel room, too picturesque to be disturbed by the shitstorm that the rest of the universe is experiencing. As she lets the exhaustion from the first day seep into her skin, she feels the alcohol go straight to her toes.

“I’m going to stop drinking.”

She looks up, sees the eyebrow Vanjie’s raised so high it might just hit her wig line. Her eyes ask the question she can’t quite verbalize in the midst of Silky’s yelling. She shrugs at her, doesn’t bother to answer when there’s no judgment to answer to.

“Hey, you two.”

Their eyes travel to Nina who’s already out of drag and sipping on a drink.

“Did you answer each other?”

“What?”

Brooke’s eyebrows furrow together in puzzlement at the question. She looks to Vanjie, face blank like it always is whenever she doesn’t know the answer, and tries her best not to laugh out loud.

“When they asked you who the trade of the season is.”

“They didn’t ask me that.”

She watches Vanjie fold up her hands in her lap as her eyes fall. Her heart stops in her chest, suddenly petrified that pursuing this line of questioning would be too awkward for them, for this beautiful little thing they’ve built.

“Honey, we all know that I’m the true trade of season 11.”

Silky’s hands are on her hips, and she stares all three of them down. Laughter washes over the room, and the mood becomes infinitely lighter again. Brooke sees her shoot a quick wink at Vanjie when she thinks no one else is looking.

It dawns on her how delicate and fragile this all is. The rapport is perfect, probably the best thing she’s ever had since Steve came into her life. She can’t let it be destroyed by the world beyond the four walls.

She takes a deep breath, feels all her worry deep in her lungs. It slowly consumes her, devours her. She wastes away on Nina’s bed as notes of laughter and shouting harmonize all around her.

A hand starts to pat and stroke her wig, and she resolves to request that no interviews be done with them together.

The first thing she does after the episode airs is do a livestream with her.

They’re both de-dragging, making jokes in front of an audience like the history that they have with each other doesn’t run deeper than a friendship built off of competition. It’s acting, and they’re terrible at it.

She can’t help it that their dynamic is a mix of flirting and caring, the way it always has been. They joke about their comments on each other being trade, ask if they’re doing good, ignore the elephant in the room.

Her heart beats a little too fast each time she spots a comment saying that they look cute together or that they should hook up. She wants to shout, yell, scream at the top of her lungs that they’ve already tried.

It’s only then that she realizes the gravity of the situation she’s gotten herself into, the danger of putting a love that she never expected to have on display for people starved for it. She wants it for herself, can’t even have it for herself.

When the live ends, she picks up a pack of cigarettes and steps out onto the balcony. She looks out over the streets of Seattle, watches the people walking below- wondering what they’re thinking about, making up stories in her head for each one that strikes out to her.

With the first drag, she imagines that the man in the suit is coming home from the office to a wife whose beauty he no longer sees. He doesn’t really look at her anymore, aside from when he guilts himself into not starting an affair.

With the fifth drag, she imagines the girl, no more than 18, go to clubs that she should and shouldn’t be at. She takes shots, lets the fire burn down her throat, and dances with a guy that whispers empty promises.

With the tenth drag, she imagines the child, surprisingly still awake past midnight, arrive at his mother’s house. He asks why his dad can’t be there, asks questions with answers that get stuck along the way, and he’s rocked to sleep as tears fall onto the pillowcase.

Her phone pings. She looks at the message and returns to pretending that her story doesn’t exist. When she blows out the smoke, she asks it to take the parts of her soul she doesn’t want any more with it.

J: i’ll call u 2morrow

The first time he sees the story, a word flashes in his mind like bright red neon lights in the dark of night.

Shit.

This isn’t how it’s supposed to go. He isn’t supposed to feel so invested, so concerned and so utterly relieved that she’s posted a song, their song on her story. He wants to take a red-eye just to ask what it all means.

Instead, he settles for Facetiming her in the back of the club he’s at. He’s received about ten different texts from Courtney about how she ever so casually and drunkenly mentioned him at her show, but he tries not to think too hard about it.

Which, knowing him, takes up way too much energy that he doesn’t have.

When she picks up, he can’t stop himself from thinking that she looks gorgeous. She is dark colours and skull dresses and everything he forces himself to believe he doesn’t want.

“Hey, you okay?”

She shrugs her shoulders at him, eyes throwing the question right back. Everything around him starts to fade away. Under the bright lights of the club, all he can see is the dejection on her face.

“You want to talk?” He almost has to yell over the music, tries his best to be coherent.

“Look,” She starts, and he knows that this isn’t going to go the way he wants. “I just had a few drinks. You know how I get all set—semti—all up in my feelings and shit.:

He opens his mouth to speak, but she shakes her head. This is not a subject to open up in a club, separated by cities and feelings that they haven’t come to understand quite yet. She tries her best to smile at him, and his heart clenches.

“You promise you’re doing okay?”

“Mary, I’m fine!” Her voice is joking again, no trace of the pain or hurt that he knows that they both still feel. “You don’t gotta worry about me.”

Someone goes in and out of Vanjie’s dressing room, and he’s suddenly conscious that he’s in public. He lowers his phone, tries his best to hide her from everyone else. Not that she’s his, anyway.

“Well, drink some water.” He says, and she laughs at him. “And uhm, can you send me that picture?”

She looks at him questioningly, and he feels like she’s right there, staring him down. Her eyes see straight through him, and he’s so terrified that he wants to hide behind the crowds forming all around him.

“Alright.”

Spending holidays with one of your best friends in the world is supposed to be normal. They’re times to be grateful, to express love. They’re supposed to be days straight out of Hallmark cards that he stuffs in a drawer because who the hell still buys cards?

He doesn’t consider that his best friend is an ex he’s still in love with.

They have brunch with Gia, go to a club with an old friend of theirs, and return to Jose’s apartment at half past eleven. He crashes onto the couch without a thought and doesn’t even think about how much it feels like a home away from home.

“So, you’ve never watched The Office?”

Jose shrugs, and hands him a bowl of chips. “Everyone’s been telling me it’s a show for white people.”

“Doesn’t mean it’s not funny.”

He spends the rest of the night with Jose, trains his eyes to shift subtly between the TV and his face. He laughs whenever he does, and he tries to hide his lack of focus by crunching the lime-flavoured chips.

“I got something on my face?”

“Hmm?”

“You keep looking here, bitch.”

He’s supposed to feel even the slightest bit embarrassed that he’s gotten caught, but he can’t bring himself to care. He laughs lightly, and sits up - becomes aware of how he’s close enough that he can feel the heat radiating off of the other man.

“Just making sure you’re here.”

“Nowhere else I wanna be, baby.”

He knows the last word is an accident, a relic from a long time ago, but it isn’t taken back. He turns his head, looks at him with no shame. Jose bites his lip as he stares at the screen, but he can tell that he isn’t really watching anymore.

“Brock?”

“Yeah?”

“You gonna keep me waiting forever or what?”

There’s a laugh, and he’s suddenly lost in Jose’s lips. They taste like lime and tequila, but there’s something else there, something unique and familiar that reminds him of what happiness should feel like.

Before long, they’ve pushed their way into the bedroom, and he’s on his knees. It isn’t the best idea. Shit, he knows it’s a terrible idea to fuck their unspoken problems away, but it feels good; good enough that they don’t stop.

When he falls onto the bed, eyes closed and breathing heavy, he tries to kill any thought of consequences. He chases them as they run around his brain, and throws them out. They bang on the door, try to remind him that they’re there, but he begins to drift.

Jose’s arm drapes over his waist, and he is home.

He wakes up the next morning and untangles himself as quickly as he can so they don’t have to talk about the things he doesn’t know how to say.

The night before the finale is all hushed whispers, an attempt at cutting away the nerves that have turned into vines that wrap around his neck. Jose holds him, goes no further, and tells him that he’s going to be amazing.

They film the reunion a few days letter, and she sees the pain in her eyes when they act like she didn’t need her arms around her when she’d accepted that she’d lost. It’s all a game of pretend, and neither of them are winning.

When she finally says that they’re no longer together, she tries to soften the blow by saying that she loves her; but in the fantasy that they’ve built for themselves, she doesn’t know if Vanjie will recognize that that one thing is true.

She starts to wipe tears away from the corners of her eyes, and she comes over for a hug. She’s addicted to the smell of her cologne and the feel of her skin against hers, and she does everything to hide it from Ru and the rest of the world.

They’re all ushered back into the dressing room when it’s all over, and all the tension from the stage disappears. All the girls return to kiking with each other like they’d done for months after filming as they start to de-drag.

So, why does she feel like guilt blocks her airways each time she looks at Vanjie?

She grabs her wrist, and pulls her aside; but when she looks down at her in the corner of the room packed with queens, she loses all her words. All she can see is disease ridden eyes and the ghost of a smile that she wants back.

“I love you.”

Vanjie winces, and she wants to burst into tears. It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s no fucking fair. Freedom should taste sweet like candy on Halloween, but all it tastes like in her presence is blood she draws from her lip in worry.

“I love you too.”

The words are strained, but she knows she means it.

They hug, and all the queens whoop and aww. She wants them all to shut up because this moment is theirs. It’s pain and pleasure and it’s theirs.

A fire starts in Jose’s apartment. It burns bright and scorches his skin, but he can’t take his eyes off of it. It’s all chaos and splendour, and he almost forgets that it has the ability to kill him where he stands.

“What the fuck do you want?”

The question is asked for the nth time. He stopped counting after the fourth time, when he realizes that he doesn’t really know the answer. It’s too abstract, too complex for him to try and explain.

“I don’t know.”

“Then what are we doing?”

He gulps, all the words falling into the pit of his stomach. It’s almost ridiculous that he’s scared of someone so much smaller than him, but they’re holding each other’s hearts hostage. The consequences could destroy them.

“We’re just friends.”

Jose huffs, and he throws up his arms in defeat. He wants to hold those hands that fit perfectly in his, but he’s too busy using them to burn it all down. The worst part of it all is that he knows he can’t blame him.

“Friends don’t fuck, say ‘I love you,’ then pretend it didn’t happen.”

The words are spit at him like venom, but he doesn’t mind. He knows that he deserves it after the hell that he’s put him through. Maybe they’re both willing participants, but his reasons are so selfish that he expects the pain.

He asks himself if anything is supposed to hurt like this. Maybe this is what breakups are supposed to feel like. Maybe they’re supposed to feel like someone throwing his heart into a blazing flame.

“I can’t fucking do it.”

The way he says it makes him cry, and he wipes the tears away. He sees something in Jose’s eyes, something akin to pity, and he wants to scream that this is everything he was afraid of from the day he’d fallen in love.

Jose walks to the door, opens it for him. He doesn’t move, at least not for a minute. He doesn’t want to. This is a refuge, a retreat, a goddamn home, and if he leaves, he knows he might never come back.

He thinks about begging for a moment. He thinks about falling to his knees and pleading for the forgiveness that he doesn’t deserve. He thinks about asking for an infinite chance because God knows how many times he’s hurt him before.

“I need you to go.”

It’s stern, and he knows that he has no choice. He carries his feet, and each step feels like breaking promises that he wants to make. Freedom is so close that he can taste it, but it still tastes like metal.

“I’m sorry.”

The door shuts behind him when he says the words, and it’s all over.

When he sees his tweets the next day, he crawls into bed and wishes for arms to hold him tight.

She almost backs out of their show together, but Nina holds her hand. She convinces her that Vanjie deserves better than a disappearing act that rivals their magic show. Brooke nods her head and does her best to smile.

“I’ll be right here if you need me, okay?”

Nina’s all warmth and love, and she thinks that she might be the luckiest person in the world. She squeezes her hand before she leaves her in the crowd to go to the backroom of the club.

When she opens the door, she’s greeted by the smell of her cologne. It assaults her senses, and she’s suddenly dizzy. The world starts to spin, and the tiny queen who doesn’t even bother to look at her as she finishes her makeup is in the center it.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

She still doesn’t look up, and Brooke thinks she might just throw up. The quiet makes her uneasy, so she shuffles her feet as Vanjie applies her lipstick. She hopes that she doesn’t hear her heart thumping against her chest.

“If you’re gonna say something, you better say it.”

One deep breath. The words make their way from her heart to her head. They shoot upwards, and it takes her a moment to comprehend them. They’re too vulnerable, but that’s what Vanjie’s demanding from her.

Two deep breaths. The words make their way from her head to her mouth. She says them in a rush, like a waterfall that she’s always wanted to visit with her, but knows that they’ll probably never see.

“I’m sorry. I love you, and I fucked it all up. I told you I wanted to be free, but I can’t be free when I spend my every waking moment wishing I could take it all back.”

Three deep breaths. The words make their way from her mouth to Vanjie’s ears. She sets down the lipstick on the table and purses her lips together. The minute of uneasy silence feels like forever to Brooke, but she doesn’t dare keep speaking.

“I can’t do it, y’know?” She turns her head, and Brooke sees that the disease is killing her slowly. “I’m not ready for a relationship with you right now, if that’s what you want.”

“It’s not.” It is. “Maybe one day. Right now, I just want us to be… us again.”

She walks over slowly, delicately breaches Vanjie’s bubble. Her heart races even faster, and she prays to every single god that Silky doesn’t burst into the room to ruin the moment that they’re having.

“Hi,” She holds out her hand and her hopes. “I’m Brooke Lynn Hytes.”

Vanjie regards her for a moment, assesses her as if they’d never met before. With a sigh, she shakes her hand.

“I’m Vanessa Isabella Vanjie Mateo.”

DragCon passes by in a flash. She hugs all her fans, takes pictures with other queens, and smiles proudly when she sees the queue for Vanjie’s booth grow infinitely longer.

They barely talk for the whole weekend, far too busy and tired to make any meaningful conversation. All they manage is a few photos for the fans, and texts reminding each other to drink water.

The season 11 tour starts, and they find themselves playing along with Asia’s light-hearted jokes. If it stings a little to have a love that she still feels be the butt of a joke, she tries her best to ignore it.

The morning of the second show, he catches wind from A’keria that Vanjie can barely get out of bed. Without thinking, he buys about eight different medicines and a Gatorade before rushing to his hotel room.

When he knocks on the door, he hears a groan come from the other end. “It’s me!” He calls out, and enters the room. The curtains are drawn, making the room dark enough that he can barely make out the person wrapped up in the blanket on the bed.

“What you doing here?” Jose’s voice is barely a croak, but he finds enough energy to sound pissed. “You’re gonna get sick, you idiot!”

“I’ll be fine.” He brushes off his concern and takes a seat on the bed. He places a hand on Jose’s forehead and grimaces at how hot it is. “How are you feeling?”

“Like shit, what do you think?”

He laughs lightly  and pulls out some medicine. It takes a small argument for him to convince him to drink it, and he smiles when he notices him hold the Gatorade bottle with both hands like a child.

“This is what happens when you work too hard.”

“You do it too.”

Jose sticks his tongue out at him, and he wonders if the childlike behaviour is because of the fever. There’s a voice in his head telling him that this might not be the best idea after agreeing to just casually get to know each other, but he cares too much to listen.

“Now go to sleep.”

“No way, hoe. I gotta get ready.”

It requires little force for him to get Jose to lie back down. “Oh no, you are not going to do the show like this.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.” He replies, but he’s already started to hike the covers all the way back up to his neck. Brock chuckles, and he thinks that maybe the warmth he feels is more than just from the fevered body next to him.

“Shut up.” He says lovingly. “I’ll stay until you fall asleep.”

Brock strokes his hair, and when he stays a minute or an hour longer than he’s supposed to, he doesn’t mind.

He gets sick a few days later, and he gets a call from miles away.

“Bitch, I told you so.”

June is a hazy mix of cities and bars. They return to their routine of texting every day, checking up on each other whenever they can. He hesitates to start each conversation, wonders if he’s pushing it too far. The smile he gets with each Facetime is worth the worry.

In July, he sees him again for the tour.

He stares at the floor as Jose gets ready, doesn’t look up to watch him cover up the flaws that he thinks make him so beautiful.

“You’re thinking too loud.”

Brock laughs under his breath and sees him walk over to the couch. He sits down beside him, and he can’t stop the love in his eyes from shining through, even if he knows he needs to be more subtle.

“Yeah? What was I thinking about then?”

“I ain’t no mind reader, Mary.”

He picks up Jose’s hand and locks their fingers together. It’s almost imperceptible, but he sees the smile on his face. It reminds him of roses and rain and the colour orange. This is freedom, he thinks to himself.

“Baby,” His voice is soft, a whisper lost in the wind. “I’m not ready yet, okay?”

When Jose doesn’t let go, he squeezes his hand. A promise, perhaps? He isn’t sure, but it’s something. Hope is better than having a gaping hole in his chest.

“It’s okay, I can wait.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

[brokentoasterrr]

it is officially the 11th now so this is my birthday fic for @ashes-and-ashes-dust-and-dust because i really wanted to write something for her (ALSO thank you to @withrewings for reading this through as ash couldn’t), but before we start imma be a sappy git.

ash, i love you so much. you’re so amazing and you deserve all the love and attention in the world. i appreciate everything you do for me, from listening to my depressing rants to joking about using snape’s hair as lube (as two snape haters does). we went from me being an awkward fanboy to being best friends in less than two weeks and now i just. i cannot imagine where i would be without your never ending encouragement and love. we don’t know everything about each other, but if you ever want to bear your soul to me, i’m here, in the same way you’ve been here for me. you’re the actual best. ❤️

now to the fic!

i was the one worth leaving

His feet felt heavy as he walked back to the flat. The flat that he forgot he even owned most of the time. The flat that was probably dusty, whose fridge which was probably filled with moldy food.

His feet felt so heavy that he almost fell to the ground with every step. He could’ve Apparated to save himself from the walk of misery, but he decided against it. He needed fresh air. His face still twitched from the seemingly endless sobbing, and though the violent sobbing had subdued, tears were still streaming down his face.

With shaking hands, he lit yet another cigarette. His fifth? His sixth? He’d lost track. It was only a thirty minute walk from Remus’ flat, and how he’d managed to smoke so many cigarettes in such a short amount of time was beyond him.

-

“Moony!” Sirius laughed. “Moony, stop tickling me!”

His stomach hurt from laughing, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Not when Remus was looking at him like that.

They were in bed, like they were most weekends, the sun was casting a golden glow through the window, not a cloud in sight. Remus was straddling Sirius’ hips, long fingers dancing over his ribs. It was perfect. Remus was perfect. The way his eyes crinkled up when he laughed. The way the scars followed his laughter, curving over his face without looking as threatening. The way his curly hair flopped over his forehead, glittering in the sun. His t-shirt that was actually Sirius’, so it was a little too tight, the way it stretched over his chest. It was perfect.

Remus’ hands went up to cup Sirius’ face.

“I love you,” he said, still smiling. “I love you so much I think I’ll explode sometimes,”

“I love you more,” Sirius placed his hand over Remus’. He propped himself up on his free elbow. “I couldn’t live without you,”

Remus kissed him, a little sloppy and a little uncoordinated, but kissed him nonetheless. Sirius could taste the cigarette they shared a few minutes ago on his tongue.

It was all too perfect.

-

Sirius swallowed hard. The key to Remus’ flat was still on his keychain, along with his own key. The key that almost felt like a stranger to his own eyes.

He didn’t feel like he fit in, not in this large apartment complex. It wasn’t his home, Remus was.

He turned his key, but he didn’t open the door. His eyes started prickling with tears again. Fuck. How did he manage to fuck up something so perfect?

“Mr. Black?” a voice behind him said. He jumped and turned around, sniffling and wiping his hand over his face in the process.

“Oh, hello, Mrs. Anders,” his voice was hoarse and almost distant to his own ears. He blinked a couple of times and wiped his eyes again.

“Are you alright, dear? I haven’t seen you much in the last couple of months,” Mrs. Anders was always nice to him, she always gave him kind smiles and invited him for tea. At least when he permanently lived here.

“Oh yeah, I’m fine,” he let out a shuddering sigh. “‘S just been… A long day. I’ll be alright though,”

He forced a smile and finally opened his door, and stepped into the expected mess.

-

“We need to clean,” Remus stated. They were having breakfast, toes brushing against each other under the table. Sirius let out a loud, suffering groan.

“Nooo…” he whined. “I wanna stay in bed and cuddle all day…” He dragged his bare foot over Remus’ leg, a slight smirk tugging on his lips.

“Come on, Pads,” Remus sighed, but he was smiling. “We just need to dust and wipe down some cupboards and hoover the floor,” He took a sip from his tea.

“And change the sheets,” Sirius added, his foot still stroking Remus’ leg. Remus laughed and shook his head.

“And change the sheets,” he repeated back to Sirius.

Cleaning with Remus, as it turned out, was actually fun. They decided to do it without magic - they were never good with household spells.

Later, they slumped down back in bed, music was playing softly from the corner of Remus’ bedroom and they were sharing a cigarette again.

“I love you,” Sirius said. “More than I’ve ever loved anything or anyone else,”

-

Sirius stared down at his bed, it had a layer of dust covering it which he vanished with a sloppy wave of his wand. He shed his cloak and his shoes, leaving them on a pile on the floor, then he curled up on the bed.

It was cold and smelled of dust and just… Not lived in. He wouldn’t be surprised if there was a few spots of mold on it.

He wanted to keep crying, but no tears fell. He wanted to scream, to punch something, but instead he just lay there, with a hollow ache in his chest. He wanted to go back, to hug Remus and yell that he was sorry, but he wasn’t sure he could ever look into his eyes again.

-

“Do you really think it’s me?” Remus asked. His jaw was tense, his hands were shaking. He looked as though he hadn’t slept in a week, with dark circles under his eyes and new scabs and bruises littering his body. Sirius took a shuddering breath.

“Who else could it be, Re?” Sirius retorted. He wasn’t angry, and deep down he knew that Remus wasn’t the spy. It couldn’t be Remus.

“Is it because I’m a Dark Creature?” Remus pulled at his hair. It was greying. Twenty one years old and his hair was greying. “It is, isn’t it? You’ve finally decided I’m not trustworthy,” He laughed, a dry, sarcastic laugh. Sirius cringed at the sound. “It took you a decade to decide that this was the time to leave me,”

“Well there’s no other explanation! It’s not me! It’s not Prongs and Evans!” Sirius snapped. “You’ve been disappearing for weeks on end and nobody fucking knows where you are!” He mirrored Remus by running his hands through his hair, pulling at the ends.

“Who else could it fucking be?!” Sirius yelled. Remus slammed his fist into the wall.

“IT’S NOT ME!” he roared. Sirius backed away, his breath caught in his throat. “We’ve been friends for ten fucking years! We’ve been dating for four! How could you possibly believe that it’s me?!”

“I don’t know, okay?! I just-,”

“Leave,” Remus said. He wasn’t shouting anymore, he just sounded… Tired.

“What?”

“Leave!”

And so he did.

-

Sirius didn’t sleep all night, he just lay in bed and stared at the wall. Sometimes tears rolled down his face, gathering in a puddle on his pillow. Sometimes he considered smothering himself with his pillow. This was the first time that he slept alone in his own bed since him and Remus practically moved in together. It felt cold and dark despite the mocking sun rays that spilled in through the cracks in his blinds.

But after a few hours, he finally decided to go into the kitchen. His owl, Hades, was sitting on top of his cage on the kitchen counter.

“Hi…” Sirius whispered and scratched Hades’ head. “Did Remus send you back?”

The owl hooted and Sirius nodded, “I thought so. You don’t mind sending him a letter, do you?”

The owl hooted again. Sirius smiled softly and rummaged through his cupboards for some owl treats.

***

Remus was sitting by the kitchen table, staring right ahead, holding a cigarette loosely between his fingers. He wasn’t even bothering with vanishing the smoke.

He heard a sharp tapping on his window and turned around. Hades was right outside his window, holding an envelope in his beak. Remus opened his window with a scowl.

“I don’t want to see you,” he hissed. “Or hear from Pa- Sirius, for that matter,”

The owl disregarded his scowl and flew in. He perched himself on the kitchen table and dropped the letter in front of him. Remus snatched it up and tore it open. A key fell onto the table with a clatter, along with a short letter.

‘Remus

I am so sorry. What I said was unforgivable.

I don’t believe that you’re the spy. I never did. I just want someone to put the blame on so badly, it just makes everything easier.

I understand if you never want to see me again, hell, I never want to see me again. I finally understand why I was the one worth leaving.

Anyways, I gave you your key back. If you want to beat the shit out of me or something un-Moony like like that, you know where to find me

Yours always, Sirius

PS. Please be nice to Hades, he didn’t do anything wrong’

Remus gave a watery chuckle and took a drag from his cigarette. He scratched Hades’ head and bit his lip. The ink on the parchment was blotched and he could clearly smell the salty tears. He wasn’t sure how to feel, really. He wanted to burn the letter and send Hades back empty handed, at the same time as he just wanted to Apparate to Sirius’ flat and snog him senseless against a wall.

Sighing, he picked up a scrap piece of parchment and began scribble lazily. Hades hooted happily.

‘Give me time to think.’

[thewilddreamerrr]

A Werewolf Telling

Remus entrance in Hogwarts after more of a decade was... awkward to say the least. Dumbledore requested him to become a DADA teacher 3 months ago. Seeing him after all that had happened... well, let's say it wasn't the best display of all time. Not longer a teenager nor a young whole and happy man, it was too much for Dumbledore and for Remus to bear. Too many memories, too many tears and desperate cries, too many broken dreams... a broken heart too. The young man was now a man but there was so many things missing in him. The sparkle once in his eyes, that sparkle only present in company of his friends... in company of-

Dumbledore stopped himself there. He, better than any other could understand the pain Remus felt. Losing not only his friends, his family, but also losing the love of a man he knew... he thought he knew.

After hours of quite intense discussion, Remus accepted. He managed to say yes because Dumbledore promised (again) to do everything in his power to help him with his transformations. Plus, Severus Snape was now a Potions teacher and he could manage to prepare him Wolfbane Potion (under Dumbledore's orders, of course) so... that was an improvement Remus couldn't deny.

***

The day he arrived at King's Cross and saw the scarlet train, he felt like an eleven year old all over again. He swallowed hard because those memories always came along with other three kids in it. A bespectacled boy with messy hair, another chubby and witty one and-

Remus sighed. After all these years, after all the hurt and pain. The hate. His heart still beat like a fucking drum at the mere thought of that kid with mischievous grey eyes and a smirk worth to make his knees go weak. He didn't want to think, not in those kids, not in what happened 13 years ago, not in anything.

However, he hadn't expected what came after he fell asleep in the compartment he choose for his ride. Harry. James and Lilly's Harry. His "nephew", there with other two friends. The last time he saw him was on James' birthday. He was still wearing diapers. Harry, this 13 year old Harry, was so much like his father. The same messy hair, complexions and even the height. Now, his eyes were another thing. Lily's eyes. But not only that, he inherited his mom's eye shape and fierce gaze, the one that leaves no room for discussion.

It felt like years of repressed emotions melt away as soon as Harry laid his eyes on him. He no longer called him 'ncle Mo'oy, but Professor Lupin. Remus hoped a tiny part of Harry could recognize him but he was happy to be part of his life again.

***

Once he entered the castle and establish himself in his new dorm, he went downstairs to the Great Hall. He took no more than two steps down, when a voice behind him stopped him in his tracks

'Remus?'

He froze. And very slowly he turned around. There were already tears in his eyes.

'Poppy?'

The medi-witch whimpered and approached to him till there was only her arms around him. Remus was shocked and speechless.

'I thought I'll never see you again' she sobbed in his chest 'I was worried sick about you and what might had happened to you after-'

Remus caught off her mumbling and embrace the other woman tightly against him. Madam Pomfrey was probably the only other person who treated him like a son while in school. He never stopped himself to think how much he missed her until that moment.

'Oh, dear' Poppy mumbled taking a step back and scanning the werewolf 'look at you'. She gently placed a hand in Remus' cheek and smiled softly 'you promised to contact me... and you didn't, you silly boy'

Remus felt the heat of his cheeks grow a little after those words. He wanted to say he was no longer a boy, that he did pretty well all these years. But he knew he couldn't lie to her (he suck at lying too).

'I know, I'm sorry. I'm here now, am I?'

Pomfrey's gave a disapproving look and quickly smiled back.

'Why don't we go to dinner now, dear?'

***

'Sirius Black has escaped from Askaban' Dumbledore said in a usual neutral voice. Remus knew quite well the meaning behind those words.

'Why should I care?'

'I just thought you should know' the headmaster narrowed his eyes just a slightly bit. Remus wouldn't fall for it.

'I'm sorry, Professor, but I suppose the only concern we all should have right now is how we can protect the students and-'

'You think he might want to break into the school?'

'I- I'm not... I just-' Remus passed a hand through his hair and sighed in frustration 'Maybe he'll come after Harry'

Both men stayed in silence for what felt like an eternity.

'We'll take the precautions needed' said Dumbledore at least.

Remus couldn't reply, not even if he wanted to.

***

'Spotted in Hosgmeade'

Remus read the sentence over and over again. He was close, so close... and so far away.

'Fuck' the tears were coming. Why now? What did he wanted? Harry? Him? Everyone to just die? He threw the paper away and screamed in the isolated dorm.

'No, no, no, nO, NO, NO, FUCK NO'

His heart ached; he repeated to himself that he hated Black, that his very existence was a waste of space, that he didn't need him in his life. He didn't need those fucking gorgeous eyes or that stupid smirk. He definitely didn't love him. Not anymore. Not since he was 21.

'...fuck’

And Remus laughed. A weak and dull laugh. He was alone in that room, no other than him. He could lie to himself all the wanted but he knew that if that man walked through that same door at that same moment... he'll throw himself in the flames of hell for a second with Sirius. And he hated himself for that.

***

'He broke into school. He was here, for Merlin's sake!' Remus exploded.

Minerva Mcgonagall and Madam Pomfrey shared a concern look. Remus Lupin wasn't the kind of person who would... break down. But knowing the past Sirius and Remus shared so many years ago...

'Remus Lupin, you need to calm down now' Mcgonagall said with a sharp command. That was not the way to deal with this situation.

He stopped passing around the empty classroom and looked at the two women.

'Remus?' Pomfrey tried with a less aggressive approach 'Remus, dear, I know this must be difficult for you...'

'Difficult?' Snapped Remus 'Just difficult? Yeah, because for the past 13 years my life has been a fucking dream'

'Remus!' Mcgonagall's voice echoed all through the classroom to Remus' core 'There's no need for such... colorful... language' she cleared her throat in a attempt to recompose herself 'We are aware that your life has not been that simple' Remus snorted lowly but Mcgonagall ignored it 'Now, is not the time for meltdowns. We must take responsibility over our students and protect each one of them' she saw how Remus' was starting to fidge again and sighed 'Remus, we can't change the past not the horrible things that happened. However, we can improve our future and make the best out of it. You have the power to keep looking forward or getting stuck in your past'

Remus hadn't notice she approached to him until he felt a gentle hand over his shoulder.

Our decisions define us. Well, that's some fucked up philosophy to be honest.

***

That night he couldn't sleep at all. His mind kept bringing him memories about simpler times. Times full of color and joy. Despite living in such a dark time, he got his friends and lover by his side. They really thought they'd be able to make it. How innocent one can be at such a young age. That was until the bad seed was planted. Everything went downhill after that. The simpler times were gone, as well as the trust and confidence. He couldn't blame them for not trusting him (he wouldn't either). Because it had been Sirius after all.

Remus' heart skipped a beat at the thought of him.

'Really? After all these years...' he whispered to himself.

***

It hadn't been him. It hadn't been him, it had been Peter. Fucking Pettigrew.

Sirius laid in the floor beneath him looking desperate and somehow relieved Remus figured it out. He wanted to cry and laugh and curse and fucking scream but now it wasn't the time. The intensity of Sirius grey eyes, ranking him from head to toe was burning him alive.

And in that moment, Remus decided that yeah, if he already scorched quite a bit for Sirius in his youth, he'll fucking die in flames again for him.

☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆

ALL RIGHT!! Hey, there I'm Julie. So, I wanna say a couple of things now that I have your attention:

First of all, this is my first time posting something I write on my own so you probably feel the stress too,huh and to make things worse English isn't even my first language *finger guns* What I'm trying to say is sorry if there're mistakes and all that because this whole situation gave me a lot of anxiety lol

Second, imma wolfstar trash, bitch. Lol Alright, so this whole idea started as some weird day dream I had about Remus and Madam Pomfrey (completely inspired btw by @captofthesswolfstar and her 💖A-MA-ZING💖 fic WWI) and well, let's say I carried away. I love to think how Remus must had felt in his return to Hogwarts and also dealing with Sirius all over again. He's a chill dude but Mcgonagall and Pomfrey know him very well and I know he trusted them enough to y'know break down.

Third, I wanna give a H U G E thank you to my friend @wavesofjoyy for helping me out and correcting this mess. You're fucking awesome I love you.

Fourth and hopefully lastly, I really hoped you enjoyed this little thing I made. If everything goes well, I might share other things related to wolfstar, who knows? Thanks in advance everyone💕

Julie's out *drops mic*

[amanda-teaches]

What Hurts the Most

Summary: You try to come to grips with an unimaginable loss.

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 2283

Warnings: Angst, Character Death, Regret, Loss.

A/N: Well, the angst happened, y’all, and I want to go ahead and apologize now for it. This one was inspired by the song What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts, and specifically the music video for that song. There is not a lot of happiness here, so seriously heed the warnings. It’s a rough one. Thanks to @because-imma-lady-assface and @rideandwritethings for encouraging me to go outside of my fluff comfort zone and actually write this. I’m sorry....

As you took that first, tentative step into Dean’s bedroom, you took a deep breath, because it was taking everything you had in you not to completely and utterly break down.

Weeks. It had taken you weeks for you to build up the courage to enter his room again, but, even now, you weren’t sure you could actually go through with it. Closing your eyes to hold in the hot, wet tears that threatened to overflow, you took another shaky step forward, willing yourself to be as strong as Dean, to find a way through this, but, when you neared the bed, his bed, and saw what was waiting there, you had to stop.

Lying there, in the middle, slightly crumpled, like he’d just stripped it off, was one of Dean’s favorite flannels. You reached down and carefully picked it up, your hands shaking as they gripped the familiar material. Letting out a strangled sob, you brought it to your nose, breathing in his scent, as your mind flashed back to the last time he wore it.

“Dean, wait!” you laughed as the man pulled you along, one of his long strides taking up three of yours. “Will you just slow down for a second?”

“No can do, Y/N,” he responded without even looking back. You could hear the smile in his voice, however, and it made you glower even more as you raced to keep up with him. “Why don’t you speed up?”

“Why don’t you bite me?” you whispered under your breath, earning a laugh from Dean as he finally slowed, allowing you to catch your breath. “Thank God,” you muttered, leaning over and placing both your hands on your knees. “What in the world is so time sensitive anyway, Dean? You usually only move this fast when we’re hunting. Why all the cloak and dagger secrecy?”

He turned to you and grinned. “You’ll see. Now, come on,” he exclaimed before grabbing your hand and pulling you along again, nearly yanking your arm out of your socket.

“Oh my God, you’re insane,” you gasped as you once again raced to keep up with him, dodging tree branches along the way. You were moving slightly uphill through the forest outside the bunker, going further than you’d ever explored before, but Dean certainly seemed to know where he was going. He was moving along with a determined focus, having been going non stop since he dragged you out of your warm bed nearly an hour ago.

The two of you moved steadily for about another half hour, and just when you were sure you couldn’t take another step, he burst past the last tree line, out into an open field, stopping so suddenly that you ran right into his hard, strong back.

“Ouch,” you grumbled, reaching up and rubbing your nose. “Give a girl a little warning next time, you big jerk. Jeez….”

Dean ignored your complaining and stepped forward, turning back towards you with a giant smile on his face. “Well?” he exclaimed, holding out his arms. “What do you think?”

You took a second to look around at your surroundings, trying to see what Dean saw. You were tired and grumpy, but, even so, you had to admit that the sight that greeted you was absolutely stunning.

You were standing in a large, empty field, it’s overgrown grass sprinkled with wildflowers as far as the eye could see. The sunlight seemed to make the entire landscape sparkle and shine as a gentle breeze swayed the grass around your feet. It was gorgeous, but, despite the beauty, you were still confused. There was nothing here, no buildings, no people. What exactly was Dean showing you?

“I don’t get it,” you answered, your eyes once again meeting Dean’s. “What exactly am I looking at?”

“This!” he shouted, spinning in a circle with his arms wide, his excitement practically overflowing. “What do you think?” he repeated again.

“It’s beautiful,” you answered honestly, a smile appearing on your face as your exhaustion began to fade with each touch of the gentle breeze on you cheek. “But, why are we here?”

Dean’s eyes softened and he took your hand in his, pulling you with him, softly this time, lazily. “Did you know that when I was little, I wanted to be a fireman?”

You balked at that answer, unsure of what it had to do with why Dean had dragged you all the way out here. “No, I didn’t, but I don’t understand what that has to do with…”

“Before my mom died,” Dean said softly, making you fall quiet, “I used to dream of it, of being a hero, of running into fires, of saving people. But, when she….when she was gone, everything changed. After that night, all fire did was give me nightmares. For months, every time I closed my eyes, I saw that fire, I saw my mom, and….all I could think about was how I couldn’t save her.”

You released your breath with a small sigh. “Dean, you were too young, you can’t think…”

He shook his head, stopping you. “I held onto that for a long time, years even, and whenever my dad was away on a hunt, no matter what, I’d always find some time to sneak out to the fire station of whatever crap town we were staying in and just watch them, the firefighters, I mean. I’d watch them and wonder what my life would have been like if she hadn’t died, if we’d had a chance to just be a normal family, you know? Would I have been a firefighter like them? A hero like them?”

You reached up and placed your fingers on his cheek, softly turning his head so he’d look at you, your heart falling at the tears you saw in his eyes. “Dean, you are a hero.”

He smiled softly. “I know that. Now. But, when I was just an angry, lost kid, it was what I held onto, that dream. I pictured our life, our family. I imagined growing up in a stable, loving home, with both my mom and my dad. They’d both be so proud when I put on that firefighter’s uniform for the first time, and, Sammy, Sammy’d be some big-shot lawyer or something, and we’d be happy, really, truly, happy. I’d find a good girl to marry, settle down in a nice big, farmhouse with a couple of kids, and the whole family would come together every Sunday for dinner, no matter what.” He paused. “When I imagined it, I thought it was the perfect life, but I knew it was one that I’d never get to have.”

He hesitated for a moment, gathering himself, and you let him, standing quietly, gently rubbing soft circles over his hand with your thumb. “After a while, I finally accepted that hunting, that was my life, my destiny, and, I was content, happy even, with Sammy and our life, or at least I thought I was.” He took a deep breath. “But, no matter how happy I got, it was never really enough to fill that place in my heart, that part of me that still yearned for that fantasy I’d dreamt up as a child.” He broke off and looked straight at you again, the emotion in his gaze taking your breath away. “Until I met you.”

You gasped softly. “Dean…I….”

You trailed off as he released your hand and stepped forward slowly, quietly staring out across the field, taking in the beauty surrounding you. “I found this place by accident one day, but the moment I saw it, I knew.” He turned back to you and stepped closer, taking both your hands in his. “Y/N, someday, I’m going to leave it all behind, the hunting, the monsters, the demons, all of it. I mean, I’m sure I won’t be able to leave the life entirely, no one can do that, but I want to step aside, let someone else take over the fight, and enjoy whatever time I have left.” He grinned, cradling your hands against his chest. “Time with you.”

You shook your head, suddenly overwhelmed by the magnitude of everything he was saying. “Dean, I don’t understand…”

“I want to build a house right here, Y/N, right here in this field. I want to have that life that I dreamt about: that farmhouse, the kids, the whole nine. I mean, obviously, there’ll be a little extra warding then I originally pictured, but I want it all, with you.”

“Me?” you whispered, unwillingly to believe this was really happening.

“Yeah, Y/N, you.” Dean smiled again, so bright it was blinding. “I love you, Y/N. I love you so damn much, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want to settle down with you. When I see my future, I don’t see death and pain, I see happiness. I see you.” He stopped and took a deep breath. “My only question is, what do you see?”

You hadn’t answered Dean that day, telling him that this was all too much, that you needed time, time to sort everything out. You’d headed back to the bunker, alone, as Dean and Sam left on a hunt, and you’d sat down to gather your thoughts. Not surprisingly, it had only taken a few hours for you to wise up and realize where your heart lied, and, when you finally decided that your future was with Dean, hunting or not, you’d been so excited for him to get back so you could tell him.

But, you never got the chance.

“Dean?!” you yelled, racing to the garage in just a flannel and a pair of sleep shorts, too excited by the sound of the Impala to even bother putting on real clothes. “You’re home!” But, instead of seeing Dean getting out of the car, you were shocked to find Sam closing the driver’s side door, looking like he’d just been through a war. “Sam?! What, what happened?” You looked around for a second before you realized Dean was missing. “Where’s Dean?”

Tears started to fall down Sam’s face, striking fear into your heart before he even had a chance to get the words out. “They...they were waiting for us, Y/N. We didn’t even see the coming. Dean, he….they were too fast. I couldn’t….I couldn’t save him, Y/N.”

“No…” you breathed, disbelief screaming out in your head. He couldn’t be gone, he just couldn’t. “No, Sam. He’s fine, I know he is. Where is he?”

Sam took a deep breath, the tears falling steadily now as he reached for you. “Y/N….”

“NO!” you screamed, leaping back, out of reach. “Where is he, Sam? I want to see him. I want to see Dean. Now.”

Sam closed his eyes and dropped his head, slowly pointing back towards the car. You raced past him and ripped open the back door, a soul-wrenching cry escaping your lips as you saw the man you loved lying there, unmoving. Dropping to your knees, you wrapped your arms around your waist, screaming his name with every ounce of strength you had in your body. You felt Sam come up behind you and take you into his arms, but you fought against him, refusing to accept the truth staring back at you. “No, Sam, no! He can’t be gone! He can’t!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Sam whispered soothing words in your ear and held you tightly as you continued to struggle, railing against him and God and everything in between. But, when the anger finally left you out and you stilled, he did the only thing he could do in that moment: he just held you as you cried, gently rocking you back and forth, as the tears continued to fall...

You closed your eyes and released your hold on Dean’s flannel, letting it fall gently to the floor as the memories overtook you. Turning, you raced out of the room and sped down the hallway, past Sam and Cas, who were calling your name, and right out the front door.

Turning, tears blurred your vision, but you didn’t care as you ran as fast as you could into the night. You didn’t know where you were going, only that you had to get away, away from the memories, away from the pain, just away.

You ran until you couldn’t run anymore, and when you finally stopped and looked around to see where you’d ended up, you let out a cry and dropped to your knees.

You were here, in the same field Dean had taken you to, the same field where he’d professed his love for you, promised a future with you, a future that you’d never get to have. You broke down again, even harder this time, the tears falling so fast that you could taste the salt on your lips.

“Why????” you screamed into the night, your face turned up towards the sky. “Why did you have to leave me, Dean?! Why??????? How am I supposed to go on without you, how am I supposed to…..”

Your breath caught and you let the tears rack your body, closing your eyes as your head fell, your hand coming to rest on your stomach, holding onto the slight bump that had started to form there, the only link you had left to the man you loved. To Dean. “I never even got to tell you...” you whispered, your voice getting carried away by that same gentle breeze that had once calmed you. “When I thought of the future, Dean, I saw you. I saw you.”

Forevers- @hamartiamacguffin @mrsdeanfuckingwinchester @katymacsupernatural @impandagrl @cyrilconnelly @impala-dreamer @castielhasthetardis @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes @shotgunintheimpala @be-amaziing @jalove-wecallhimdean @there-must-be-a-lock @mysterious-398 @hannahindie @emoryhemsworth @ohmychuckitssamanddean @wi-deangirl77 @carryonmywaywardcaptain @ericaprice2008 @masksandtruths @jpadjackles @roxyspearing @squirrel-moose-winchester @sweetpeamoose @babypieandwhiskey @deans-dirty-writer @roxy-davenport @heyitscam99 @starry-chaos

Dean Tags- @akshi8278 @whimsicalrobots