#sleepy vents

[aroacerick]

hey man. if you hate me, literally just tell me that. if im being annoying, just tell me that. dont diss the things i like for the sake of "spite" or "for the bit"

[sleepy--anon]

This is probably the worst birthday week I've ever had...

[yawnderex]

VENT

I have been stressed with a lot of stuff lately, that’s both stuff that’s more specific to me and stuff that’s completely out of my control. And I don’t think it’s gotten this bad before.

first thing I want to get off of my chest is the stuff that I cannot do anything about. I’ve been worried about a lot of stuff going on in the world like KOSA and other stuff…

and the other stressors that are with me personally are my art, my confidence, and school. I only have one big test to deal with, but I’m nervous since it’s math, and I suck at math. I’m trying, but yeah.

I hate having this anxious feeling in my stomach like something is going to happen all the time…

[piink-u]

I hope people understand that when I say "I miss the dsmp" that I don't mean some people, some story lines, some general things, the fandom... Hells, I barely miss the part of the lore or characters I liked.

What I miss is crimeboys making an alleyway simply because they wanted to play more together after the lore for the day was done. I miss Tubbo spinning around on the spot trying to find a giggling Wilbur. I miss Wilbur smiling to himself and writing on chat just for us to see that "Tubbo reminds me of myself when younger". I miss Techno getting into the server tired as fuck just cause one of his friends called him and wanted to do absolutely nothing in Minecraft with him. I miss Wilbur staying awake until ungodly hours to keep Techno company when my man was farming potatoes and try-harding. I miss SBI and friends crashing into Phil's hardcore streams to talk about nothing at all and absolutely everything just to be together and laugh and say shit. I miss Tommy trying to make sense of something and the smile on his face after Wilbur would laugh heartily and say "That's quote book, for sure". I miss stories about late night gameplays of fucking TF2. I miss chat crying to Phil, his sigh, his giggle and his "What did they do?". I...

I guess I just miss them.

[navnae]

This is eating me up inside, I genuinely want to know why is Steve so okay with putting himself down and everyone just thinks it’s fine? Like no one questions why he thinks so lowly of himself even though he’s done a lot to prove that he’s more than what the show let on. I think it’s weird how in a conversation he’ll slip in comments about himself that are negative. I also think it’s so gross that he can’t have a moment of confusion without being disrespected and I know it’s supposed to be funny but at a certain point someone should really ask “is Steve okay?” I can bet money that the answer won’t be yes.

I also want to add how come Eddie (someone who doesn’t even know Steve from a can of paint other than school) find something nice to say about him and not put him down. This also adds to my list why I think steddie is real but that’s for another time

[expressingexperience]

[leslielumarie]

When you thought you were saying something relatable

[professionalchaoticdumbass]

in the past week or so ive seen a lot of people posting about how there's this oversexualization of trans girls on the site, and I gotta agree, there are way too many people (including other trans women!) who act like we're all dtf 24/7 or always super kinky and horny. I've been tired of that stereotype for ages and i am saying this as a rather sexual trans girl myself...

...but I think people are overcorrecting a bit now, and are starting to veer into "trans women shouldnt be talked about sexually / need to be shielded from it" territory. and, to me, that's really dangerous, because outside of some queer spaces - and even within them- the sexuality of trans girls is heavily scrutinized, as is attraction to us. as much as I dislike certain aspects of the memes and jokes that kickstarted the stereotypes, I'm kinda grateful for them as well. girldick jokes helped with my bottom dysphoria, voice kink shit helped me like my voice, and the whole "tgirl tummy tuesday" thing gave me a lot of confidence in my body where I hated it before. I think this open appreciation of trans sexiness has done a lot for both me and others on tumblr.

again, obviously its got its problems - people end up assuming every trans girl is horny, or only spread positivity if its related to sex with us, and of course the people who do have dysphoria from the things that are being sexualized are left out (like those the "girls without dicks are like angels without wings" memes, ugh, feels icky every time). and on the note of comparing tgirls to angels, we also started getting treated like we're ethereal fertility goddesses and that t4t sex was some inherently sacred ritual. spoiler alert, trans girls are normal-ass people and t4t sex can be holy for the participants but its generally a pretty normal thing to do as well

coming back to the "don't sexualize trans girls" posts now, I think they were initially going in the right direction, but at this point I'm starting to raise an eyebrow at more than a few of them. I'm not gonna whip out the "youre a sex hating puritan if you post about it" accusation because that is obviously wrong but again, I think people are definitely overcorrecting and starting to turn this into a (false) dichotomy when it's not. its a complex topic and each individual trans woman will feel differently about it.

(I feel like the internet just erases any nuance in favor of a two-sided, highly polarized flamewar with unrealistic views on both sides. actually i wouldn't even say this is a super-nuanced discussion because its really not that hard to say "fetishization is bad, but so is suppression of sexuality". will this post just end up being a void scream and people will continue drawing lines between one side and the other? probably. but I am a stubborn bitch and I have hope that we can be reasonable.)

anyways I'll close this off by saying that I wrote this between around 1:30 and 2 AM on terrible sleep the night before, that I hope what I said is coherent enough, and that I will keep being a trans girl who is openly sexual, gets horny over other trans women, and is proud to be transsexy as fuck. I will keep being critical of jokes and trends and memes that stereotype us, even from our own community. I will keep being angry at how poorly us trans folks are treated with regards to our sex lives, bodies, and relationships between the two. I will keep loving and lusting over trans women without fetishizing them. And I will keep doing all of these til the day I die.

[solargeist]

sometimes when Xelqua is napping, his face will twitch a little from dreaming or whatever and Grian will jsut Watch him

if he had a tail it’d be wagging, that’s his babeyyyy (explodes)

[little-lucub]

As an alterhuman with aphantasia, sometimes I feel very left out

I don't get memories from past lives, I can't visualize my ears or tail, I find it hard to do shifts because I can't use most meditation audios (as a lot of them use visualization), I can't visualize me in my heart home

I can't visualize the real me. I'll never be able to know what the real me looks like. Every single piece of my identity is based on feelings, on what feels right. Not on what I already know (if that makes sense?). I can't see what my snow leopard self looks like. I'll never be able to see if I have a random spot on my paws or not

Of course I'm not saying that you aren't allowed to do these things and enjoy them, I encourage people if they want to! It's just kind of a sad realization for me about how much I'm missing out on

To my fellow alterhumans with aphantasia, you're valid and still an alterhuman! Even without some of the experiences

[moeblob]

idk if it's a fun fact or not but! Right's favorite color is green. He never wears green but it's his favorite color. then I've been working on silly emotes for my OCs and they're "disappointeddad" and "tryme".

(Also there is an AU where these two are knights along with Paul and Evelyn while Brent/Caspian/Atticus are princes. Chris is basically Caspian's personal guard while Right just runs around trying to do everything to stay busy even when not on duty which stresses Chris out. But since he's kinda busy with the crown prince it defaults to Paul having to babysit Right.)

[aroacerick]

i am going to kill somebody guys trust

[wreckrinho]

Boysssszzzzz i swear im havin hallucinations again...old moots will remember. Ugh...im seeing things close...like cats running, people walking, smelling things that >perhaps< doesn't exist... oh dear god not again lmaooo

[yawnderex]

Vent

I feel horrible. (I mean that isn’t that abnormal for me) my brothers friend has been having trouble with another friend. That’s part of it but god I’ve been so unmotivated to do anything, and all my problems from before still apply and I’m having trouble with that. I know I just keep rolling around in my own sadness, it’s because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help myself. Im still working on the therapist thing I just want to help myself in healthy ways when I can’t have a therapist in the current moment. I feel like crying should make me feel better but I don’t feel any different. I feel hopeless. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m tired. I just want to be happy again too.

[pixlokita]

Did y’all ever woke up one day being absolutely tired and never stopped being tired afterwards :Tc did you ever get that energy back?

[exmotranny]

the green carpet scratches at your pink heels. bile rises in your throat.

they talk about womanhood- but it’s not quite right. there is the pink and compliments and talk of boys

i am a beloved daughter

but there is also something else. it digs at your flesh, it feasts on your skin. your mother motions at your chest, bigger than hers and you're not even done growing yet! how lucky.

of heavenly parents

you pray to a man every night, finish it in another’s name. on your knees. you were sent a shady link as a kid. the woman on her knees, tears streaming out of her eyes, i don't want this, she said

with a divine nature and eternal destiny

blood on the inside of your underwear. you were told this meant you were a woman now. you were ten years old. what the fuck did you know about being a woman? your mom said you weren’t allowed to touch between your legs, but it's normal to want to. you didn't know what that meant, either.

as a disciple of jesus christ,

you wanted to be desired. you daydreamed of being the trophy for boys around you, of claiming that role one day as a wife. you came from a long line of women married young. you don’t know their names, but you were taught about their husbands in church.

i strive to become like him.

pressing your breasts down as much as possible, trying to give the illusion of a flat chest. badly cropped jpgs of jesus photoshopped to have top surgery scars are the secret currency you pay to get past the hours of church. you hold them like diamonds.

i seek and act upon personal revelation

you thought god was talking to you. you almost threw away everything you owned. you thought you were a prophet. total fuckin’ ego death! holy shit! god speaks through me!

and minister to others in his holy name

and then the next morning. when your faith crashed, when moroni abandoned you, did it feel unreal to you too, joseph?

i will stand as a witness of god

oh god, no. please. i don’t know what’s real anymore.

at all times

leg hair peeking from under your pretty sunday dress. they all stare. you ignore them and open up to D&C 132.

and in all things

emma, did you love him to the end? i don’t think you wanted him. did you watch as he married a 14 year old? did you tell him you burned the commandment? did you cry when he died for the church that he loved more than he loved you?

and in all places.

blood on the floor of carthage jail. this martyr will be remembered forever. do they talk about you, emma? or are you just joseph’s wife?

as i strive to qualify for exaltation,

when i marry, my husband will be a god, and i shall cleave onto him. when i marry, i will go to his universe and bear more of his children.

i cherish the gift of repentance

heads bowed low as the sacrament is passed. my hands clutch onto the bottom of my skirt. pleasure outside celestial marriage is forbidden. i apologize for loving the wrong way.

and seek to improve each day

i tried to kill myself, last time i got home from girl’s camp. i got home and cried and found the pills and shoved them into my mouth until i cried more and more until i was gagging. i hunched over the toilet. my hands on the grimy floor.

with faith, i will

forced to sing in front of the congregation. my head spun from anxiety. my stomach turned with nausea.

strengthen my home and family,

loving wife beautiful kids loyal husband church once a week work weekdays weekend mom monthly round on the business end of his cock forever and the vomit threatens to make an appearance.

make and keep sacred covenants,

an old man is in a room alone with me. he asks me if i masturbate.

and receive the ordinances and blessings

i tell the man no. i receive a card so i can be ordained.

of the holy temple.

that's just how it goes, isn't it?

all around are paintings of god and jesus. we learned about heavenly mother. why don’t i see her in paintings? did god have plural marriages? did heavenly mother make us? why don’t we pray to her? did she watch god marry a 14 year old? did she cover her eyes? when she saw blood on her underwear, was she told she was a woman? did she touch between her legs? did she ever believe herself better than god? does she cry when she cant talk to us? why do i cry? was heavenly mother scared of singing in public and did she press her chest flat and did she cry when god forced himself into her mouth? did she burn his doctrine too?

i am given flowers on mother’s day. i will be one eventually, after all. and i vomit in the church bathroom quietly like the perfect woman i am supposed to be.