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childeaether · 4 years

Text

scholarship.

cw: 18+ only, zhongli/f!reader, professor/student relationships, camgirl au, dragon dildo fuckery

wc: 2.2k

zhongli sighed as he shrugged off his jacket and loosened his tie with his free hand. he was exhausted. today’s lecture had been a long one, and his class was definitely going to need a curve on this upcoming test grade. he’d tried to help them understand the topic. he’d tried assigning a lighter workload. none of it worked. it was like teaching to a brick wall.

he needed to decompress.

he grabbed his laptop and sat on the couch. there was already a box of tissues and a bottle of lotion on the end table. he’d anticipated this. it had become an obsession recently.

he opened his laptop and typed the url into the search bar.

angelsofteyvat.com

he knew this website well. it had started satiating his cravings at 9 pm every day for the last month. he almost wished he’d never found it.

glazedlily is now live!

right on time.

he quickly clicked on the profile and joined the livestream. and there you were, all dolled up, wearing only your bra and panties. it was a beautiful, light pink lingerie set. you looked stunning. there you were.

his star student.

“welcome to the live, guys!” you said with a smile. he felt a weight lift from his shoulders. he unzipped his dress pants.

“how are we today?”

phoenixrising: good how are you

knightk: horny

rockyalchemist: doing better now

zhongli rolled his eyes as he scrolled through the comments. he hated being associated with these losers. hated that you might see him the way you see them.

lapisrex: been a long day, baby. how are you?

he swore he saw your eyes light up. which made sense. he knew how expensive college was; he was a generous tipper.

“i’m doing okay, lapis! sorry you had a long day. hopefully, tomorrow will be better!” you said. his breath caught in his throat.

knightk tipped $5!

you rolled your eyes. “c’mon, k, i haven’t even done anything yet!” you giggled. you didn’t need to do anything. you could sit there and stare at the camera; you would still get tips. even from zhongli.

but you were a hard worker. he knew that. you were top of his class, for god’s sake.

“so, what are we thinking tonight?”

phoenixrising: do you know how to do self-bondage?

knightk: i need that bra off asap

zhongli already had plans for the night, though.

lapisrex: i know it’s last minute, but are your private sessions open?

he watched you pause as you read the comment, your eyebrows furrowing. fuck. he definitely should’ve asked in advanced.

“hmm.. normally i’d say no, but you are one of my favorites, lapis. how much?”

his heart was beating so fast, he thought it might beat out of his chest.

lapisrex: $1,000. i’m willing to go up.

your jaw dropped in surprise. “well, shit, i can’t say no to that.”

he knew you couldn’t. your next school payment was coming up in a week.

knightk: does that mean ur ending the live??

“sorry, but yeah. love you guys! always! but i could use that money. so, unless you guys can do better...”

knightk: $1,010

rockyalchemist: $1,500

zhongli rolled his eyes. as if he could be outbid by these randos.

lapisrex: $2,000

he watched as your eyes widened. just like a deer, frozen by approaching headlights.

“okay, that’s enough!” you said. “lapis, the private session is all yours. sorry, you guys! i’ll see you for the next one!”

before anyone else could comment, you ended the live. a bright red notification flashed on his screen as he received your message.

glazedlily has invited you to video chat!

he joined almost immediately, only pausing to make sure his webcam and microphone were both disabled. he couldn’t risk you finding out. it would ruin you both.

“hey, lapis!” you said happily, clasping your hands together. “it’s our first private session! are you excited?”

he was practically levitating.

lapisrex: very.

you grinned as you read the message. “alright, well, what are you feeling tonight?”

he was feeling many things. guilt, arousal, infatuation-

lapisrex: can i see what kind of dildos you have?

“of course! give me just a sec.” you stood and walked off camera. he heard shifting for a moment, and then you returned with a box about the size of your lap.

“okay, so we’ve got a few,” you said as you shifted through the toys, “what size were you thinking?”

lapisrex: the biggest you have

you giggled, and your smile lit up his laptop screen. “well, aren’t you confident?” you teased.

he was.

“the biggest one i have... it’s a little unconventional,” you said sheepishly, a blush dusting your cheeks.

you reached into the box and pulled out a big, thick, oddly shaped dildo. it had an orange tip that faded into yellow, and then into a dark brown at the base. but it didn’t look... normal.

oh.

it was a dragon dildo.

“this big guy hardly ever gets any action. his name is orochi,” you said. “it really came with that name. i don’t name my toys.” your laughter made his chest tighten.

and god, your hands were so tiny compared to it. they could barely cover the base. he felt his hand travel to his dick.

“i know it’s kind of fetish-y, though, so if you don’t like it we can try something else.”

and normally, he’d say, no - let’s try something else. don’t fuck yourself with that dragon dildo.

but everything you made him feel surprised him, every time. you looked so beautiful. he’d fantasized countless times about you looking up at him like you were at the camera now, your eyes sparkling, one of your bra straps falling off your shoulder. a dick in your hand. he wanted to pull those lace panties to the side and fuck you senseless.

he wanted to watch you fuck yourself with a dragon dildo.

lapisrex: no, i like it.

the smirk you gave to the camera made his dick twitch.

“wow,” you said, amused. “i didn’t think you’d be so kinky, lapis. you’re always so tame during my lives.”

you made him feel anything but tame. you made him succumb to the most carnal, primal feelings he’d ever known.

“alright, before i lube this fucking monster up, any other requests?”

just one.

lapisrex: can you call me professor?

lapisrex: if you’re comfortable, of course.

you raised your eyebrows. “damn, you are kinkier than i thought, lapis,” you said. “oh, my bad. you’re kinkier than i thought, professor.”

something in him snapped in half. jesus fucking christ. he had dreamed of this. of you on your knees, looking up at him with those big, beautiful eyes. whispering his title. dreamt of whispering back a simple, soft-

lapisrex: good girl.

-before, ideally, fucking your throat.

you reached off camera to grab a small bottle of lube. he watched as you poured some directly on the toy, and then spread it with your hands. he’d never been so jealous of a dildo in his life.

after you’d deemed the dildo lubed enough, you poured a bit on your fingers. you looked shyly into the camera. “just wanna make sure i’m fully prepped,” you said, and reached down to take off your panties-

oh.

he’d dreamt of this, too. of laying you on your back against his desk, reaching up your skirt, pulling your panties to the side. taking his sweet time with you. gently, slowly scissoring his fingers in and out of you, watching your face contort as you refused to look at him. you really could be so shy sometimes.

“okay,” you said finally, positioning yourself above the dildo. he took his cock into his right hand. “here goes nothing.”

he had to stifle the groan that left his throat just watching you sink slowly onto the tip. you bit your lip as you winced, pausing to adjust to the stretch. “sorry,” you panted, “it’s… really big.”

fuck. did you have any idea how fucking sexy you sounded?

lapisrex: don’t apologize, baby. take your time.

you shot the camera an appreciative grin. his heart squeezed.

slowly but surely, you sank yourself all the way down to the base. even with the generous amount of lube, he was impressed. you were a determined girl. it made him want to split you open himself.

“fuck, professor,” you gasped, “i feel so… full.”

he couldn’t stop his hips from thrusting into his hand. you really had no idea what you did to him.

you leaned back onto your elbows, giving him the perfect view of your pussy, stretched around the base. god, you were so fucking beautiful. “i think i’m ready to start now,” you said. your face was flushed, your eyes already starting to glaze over. he’d seen you like this before, during your lives- but this was so much better. seeing you like this for him was so much better.

you were looking into the camera with those same puppy dog eyes you gave him in class. the same ones that sparkled when he called on you during a lecture. the same ones that looked at him with such adoration as he explained concepts to the class.

you slowly pulled the dildo out by the base before cautiously working it back in. you cringed ever so slightly. he wanted to be there with you. he wanted to stroke your hair and whisper sweet nothings into your ear as you adjusted to the feeling.

lapisrex: you’re doing so good, baby. take it slow if you need to.

you whimpered as you continued your gentle thrusts. “thank you, professor,” you said softly. there it was again. that dazed, sinful look in your eye. he knew you liked to be praised long before he found your profile. you always flushed when he complimented your work.

your mouth fell open into a silent moan as you gradually sped up your thrusts. “oh, god, it’s so big,” you groaned, “it feels so fucking good.” you threw your head back as you brought your free hand to your clit, rubbing soothing circles while you increased your speed.

zhongli was fully fucking his hand now, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip. you were addicting. with a particularly hard thrust, your back arched, showing off your fucking perfect tits. his mouth was practically watering.

“shit, i’m- i’m close, professor,” you gasped, followed by a whine as you circled your clit faster. his cock ached.

lapisrex: not yet.

you let out a desperate sound, still fucking yourself at the same speed. “please, i can’t- i can’t hold on for much longer,” you cried. “it’s so… intense.” you took your hand away from your clit and brought it to tease one of your nipples.

he wished he could break you down like this every night. you were always so calm, so composed. and so damn smart. it had to be exhausting. he wanted to relieve you of all that stress. to turn you into his pliant, brainless slut- even for just an hour.

“professor, please,” you begged, sending a pulse through his cock. he was getting close, too. he’d been stroking his cock so long his arm was starting to hurt. “please, professor, i can’t-”

lapisrex: why should i let you cum?

lapisrex: do you deserve it?

a pathetic whimper escaped you. “yes, yes, i- i’ve been good professor,” you nearly sobbed. just hearing the desperation in your voice was almost enough to send him over the edge. you were right. you had been so, so good for him.

lapisrex: hmmm.

lapisrex: okay, baby. you’ve been good. you can cum.

you threw your head back and sighed in relief. you returned your hand to your clit and thrust the dildo harshly in and out of you. finally, your toes curled; your back arched. “ohh, fuck,” you groaned loudly, “thank you, professor- thank you, thank you.” you were babbling now, riding out your orgasm as your cunt clenched around the dragon dick. zhongli’s vision blurred as he roughly stroked himself over the edge. he didn’t even bother to muffle the gravelly moan that ripped from his throat.

when he opened his eyes, there was cum all over his hand, and some on his laptop screen. you were on your back, still lazily circling your fingertips over your clit. your legs were shaking.

you looked angelic. he longed to reach out and pull you close, to kiss the top of your head. his heart ached in his chest. he knew what he was doing was wrong. but he couldn’t help himself. you were enchanting, and he was only a man. only another fool in love.

you sat up. “wow,” you breathed, “that was… fucking incredible.” you giggled, clearly fucked out. “thank you, professor. i mean- i guess, lapis, now.”

you carefully dragged the dildo out of you, wincing slightly. “i... i really needed that,” you laughed. “i hope you got your money’s worth, too.”

you were worth the earth, the moon, the stars.

lapisrex: absolutely. you were so good for me.

lapisrex: thank you, baby. i hope we can do this again soon.

the smile on your face was genuine, just like the ones you flashed him during lecture that day. a warmth bloomed in his chest. “of course, lapis! you’re one of my favorites, remember?”

he wanted to be the only one.

“okay, professor, time’s up. i’ll see you again soon.” you smiled one last time into the webcam and then you were gone.

he sighed, leaning back on his couch.

how was he going to look you in the eye on monday.

#genshin impact x reader #genshin impact #zhongli x female reader #smut #zhongli #genshin smut

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cinnamonest · 4 years

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Let's say that darling has been very well behaved for over a year, stockholm has long since instilled into them, and shyly asks if they can try for a baby. How would the boys react? Which ones are on board for knocking up his darling? Pls I'm so horny for breeding it's embarrassing.

Ahh I finally finished for these! It took a while lol but I tried to cover most of it

Zhongli is the best for taking care of you. He's not super panicky, but he is subtly concerned due to seeing his darling as so fragile. Constantly running around and getting you everything you ask for and a bunch of things you didn't ask for. Making sure you virtually never get up, gets you all the food you crave and the softest things to lay on.

And he'll insist on it. Like... He won't let you do anything, even those few freedoms you had before. Will constantly be checking up on you, probably won't leave the house. You're gonna be seeing even more of him than usual.

Now, yandere wise... An escape attempt during this time... Won't go over well. As usual, he kind of deludes himself about it, attributes it to hysteria of some sort, induced by your imbalanced hormones. That's ok. You just need something to keep you controlled. Unfortunately, he can't just give you hormonal control, as it could mess you or the baby up, so most likely it means keeping you heavily sedated. Makes things much easier.

He's surprisingly really good at handling a kid, though. Very gentle and capable, not particularly nervous, but not careless. He's one you won't have to worry about.

Albedo can be... Obnoxious. Bless him. You can't eat this, there's a .0002% chance it can harm the baby. You should sleep in this position, wake up at this time, do breathing exercises, constantly check your temperature and blood pressure and... You get the idea. He's very matter of fact about it, but deep down he's a nervous boi about it all. He's worried about possibilities of something bad happening, and will feel like it's his fault if something bad did happen. He'll be overall eager to actually have a kid though.

So he'll kind of rule your every action for a while - it's better not to challenge him, really, because if you do he'll go on and on about the medical, scientific reasons why you can't do this and have to do that. He's sweet about it though, you can tell he really cares. Outside of what he's dictated as necessary or forbidden by health reasons, he'll try to get you the things you want and crave, and will try to keep you sitting down as much as possible.

He gets extra nervous when holding a kid. Very stiff, perfectly still, probably gives it back very quickly out of nervousness.

Childe is ever the smug bastard. Wants to show you off, will take you places because look at him and the cute little wife he knocked up! It's a property thing, you're his little wife and he fucked you and now you have his baby. He's very proud of it all.

And actually, he'll be a little sweeter than usual all around, he's just in such a good mood. He'll have to lay off the sadistic tendencies for the sake of your health, so you get some respite in that regard, he becomes a lot more gentle, and will even do sweet things for you. He'll still be kind of condescending, though, teasing you as usual.

On a yan level, he's... More obsessive. In the past, he might have been one to leave little windows of opportunity to leave just to chase you, gave you wiggle room to be defiant so he could get the thrill of punishing you, but that's gone now. The moment you act up he'll lay down the consequences, and make it very clear you won't be disobeying from now on.

Holding a kid, he's more gentle than usual, but will definitely be one to pull some shit like pretending like he's about to drop it just to see you panic.

Bonus, a few years down the road he's gonna be super obsessive and showoff-y. Think Maes Hughes level of proud.

Diluc is kind of hilarious because he's a nervous wreck. It's adorable. It gets annoying kinda fast, though, he's constantly panicked over every little thing you do, acts like a slight pained groan is a sign that you're dying or something. He's kind of embarrassed about his own tendency to be overly worried, and he'll cave to being teased about it. He'll be very happy initially because it fits the ideal in his head of what he wants, though.

He's actually not particularly worse, because you're already pretty restricted. He will, however, significantly reduce the number of people that come to the winery, instead choosing to meet all of his appointments elsewhere if not cancel them entirely. He doesn't like people being close to you, even just in proximity - even if they don't know you're there, it makes him feel uneasy. He'll check on you frequently, more than usual, and insist on everything you eat, drink, and every waking moment is accounted for and approved of.

He'll hesitate to hold one because he's so nervous about dropping it or something. And he nearly does because he's so trembling. Again, it's actually really cute, and he's definitely embarrassed by it.

Kaeya is... Problematic. As I've said before, he's actually one of a few where you run the risk of jealousy. It's incredibly immature, and he's well aware of that, so he'll keep it well hidden. But it kind of irks him if he sees how much you stress over a baby. As a result, he's one of the ones who might actually be in a worse mood than he was before. He'll need a lot of reassurance, not in those exact words because he's too proud to say so directly, but reassurance that you'll always love him more. And it's in your best interest to give an affirmative answer. Pregnancy with him would probably be an accident, but if you ask he might agree to it.

Will definitely be more restrictive, and potentially a bit rougher, even. He'll still feel bad for you and do things for you, but he'll cling to you even more, and more shamelessly than usual. He'll double check the locked doors, make sure there's a guard posted to grab you if you try to bolt. If you do, it's even less pretty than usual. He'd be one that isn't afraid to threaten you, really. If you like a kid so much more than him, you wouldn't want him to take the kid away and give it to someone else once it's born, would you?

If holding it, he kinda... Calms down. A lot of those doubts and negative feelings are still there, but he can't help but feel an affection too. He'll get really quiet, but serious.

Xingqiu is a bit similar to Albedo. Very matter of fact about it all, and boy does his research. He's happy about it and gladly will knock you up, but he's very particular about everything. Like, good God, you didn't know there were so many books on pregnancy. He's a worrier, but he's got a little bratty pride and won't let you know he's a nervous wreck about it all. He makes himself out to be The Expert, but he's actually pretty worried about your health. Similarly, he'll regulate you quite a bit, insist on having his family's servants do things for you, so he doesn't have to spend a second away from your side.

He likes to spend a lot of time fantasizing, though, he's also one of those that really likes to do "child planning." He's got their education planned out, he's got lists of names, he smiles as he daydreams about doing this and that. Overall he's one of the best you can have in this regard.

He's the gentlest little thing if he's holding a child. You don't have to worry about anything, really, he's soft and gentle and probably the best of all for holding.

Razor is, and y'all saw this coming, very pleased! Generally in a very good mood, smiling and nuzzling you even more than usual. To be honest, your lifestyle doesn't change much, still consisting of sitting around all day, but he insists you sleep more, and will trade any walks you used to take with even more naps.

Likes to lay his head on your belly, generally just being extremely physically affectionate, cuddly and nuzzly even more than usual, which is saying something tbh. He's the opposite of the Albedo/Xingqiu type - he'll be asking you questions because he understands the very basic concept of fuck -> pregnant -> baby, but ???? How does it work? Why are you so moody? Why are you craving weird food? Boy did not realize how much goes into it all and it's very confusing. You can use this to your advantage, though. Tell him humans can't fuck while pregnant or it's guaranteed to harm the baby or something - he'll be devastated but reluctantly accept it. You'll just have a sore throat for a while.

Please don't let this boy carry a baby without specifically teaching him how to do so. You'll have a heart attack when he tries to pick it up by the back of the neck or by the foot or something. He's happy though, at least.

Xiao is... Difficult. He'll be actually pretty easily agreeing to it, really, he has no real reason to object even if he's uneasy. He's kind of detached from it, and really his behavior doesn't change much outside of a few comments here or there and willingness to get you certain foods. He probably would find a trusted source to teach him what he needs to know on how to take care of you, he's too proud to ask you himself. It's safe to say his knowledge on it all is virtually zero, but deep down he IS concerned for your well-being, even if he doesn't show it very well.

Xiao's already one of the most restrictive yans, so like with Razor, your lifestyle doesn't change much - you go from being locked in a room all day... To be locked in a room all day, except now you're pregnant. He'll probably be more cautious to check on you more often, though.

Tbh, he's also one that might get a bit jealous, but he wouldn't know why, rather, doesn't recognize and understand his own feelings. He'll just kind of sulk a bit, even pout, it's pretty uncharacteristic and even a bit funny.

Holding a kid, you'll probably be a bit uneasy, just because he has no concept of gentleness, but he does surprisingly well if given instructions.

#lena's asks #tw: pregnancy

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mymegumi · 4 years

Text

cœur fidèle

pairing: ushijima wakatoshi x fem!reader

genre: fluff, minor angst, childhood bestfriends au, royalty au, and friends to lovers

word count: 2.1k words

warnings: mainly ushijima’s thoughts, not a lot of dialogue/actions. fluff & sad ideals about unrequited love.

summary: he wants to make a life with you, and yet you’re meant to build a life as someone else’s lover.

notes: i’m almost positive this isn’t coherent bc i’m just rambling <3 also the end was rushed as fuck so sorreh bout that <3

dedicated: to thalia, may you continue making me and everyone else around you smile. ( @wak4tosh1 )

Royalty, by definition, are those of royal blood or status. A league above normal people, and meant for wealth and luxuries that people would only dream of even seeing with their own eyes. It’s a life of luxury, of people to work at your beck and call, and of never truly worrying unless you had to.

Why does Ushijima feel so empty then?

A prince in his early twenties, he’s in the prime of his life—a father that loves him unconditionally, friends by his side that love and value him for things other than his title and wealth, and even a hobby he can do when things feel so suffocating he can’t come up for air.

He’s grateful for everything he has, don’t get him wrong, but it’s always felt a bit… lonely somehow.

Ushijima, as the heir to a king’s throne, knows the weight his decisions will make on the kingdom his father’s built up, and yet he can’t help but wonder about what kind of life he could have had if he’d just been born from a peasant woman. Would his life be so much more insignificant than it was now?

He thinks the first time he really truly wondered about a life without a crown, a life without power and influence, was when he met you for the first time.

A princex from a neighboring kingdom, you were everything that Ushijima wasn’t.

Where he was more reserved, tending to keep his thoughts and opinions to himself, it seemed as if you were always willing to give yours. You were bright and beautiful in all the ways that Ushijima tried to keep himself in the shadows, the brightest star on a black sky.

When he first saw you, he thought you were otherworldly. An ethereal being at the ripe age of fourteen and his cheeks dappled with heat, but he thinks that this is what ladies in the court meant when they talked about love.

Ushijima is only fourteen, and yet when you pull on his hand to tug him into the gardens, laughter on the wind and sunshine beating down on your backs, he thinks about the love beginning to blossom in his chest without knowing the word for it.

It’s warmth on a summer day, and the way you smile at him when he says something snarky about the other royals.

“Ushijima!” you called to him, hand curled around your mouth in an attempt to amplify your voice, trying to get it to carry throughout the courtyard, “I know you can hear me, stop hiding from me!”

“We’re playing hide and seek,” he called back, hands behind his back as he peeks his head out from behind the tree he’d chosen as his hiding spot, “You’re ruining the point of the game, you’re supposed to seek, and I was supposed to hide.”

Your bottom lip jutted out, arms crossed across your chest as you walked towards him, “Okay, but I didn’t think I’d have to walk around by myself, this is only my first time being here. I don’t even know any of the good hiding spots!”

“Do you want me to show you for the next time you come?” He hadn’t hit his growth spurt at the time of first meeting you, so he’s not yet looking down at you from his height above you. “The best ones are in the kitchen because sometimes the chefs will give me snacks.”

“Snacks?” Your eyes lit up, and Ushijima remembers feeling something in his chest tighten a bit, the smile you gave him was one of the first, and yet he remembers it like it was the most recent, “Okay, let’s go then!”

You grabbed his hand, then, and it was warm, and Ushijima was sure he could do that for the rest of his life.

He asked his father about you, later in the month when you went home, and he just smiled at him. His father put a hand on Ushijima’s head and ruffled his hair. Ushijima didn’t know it back then, but his father was sad, most likely knowing his son lost his heart.

Perhaps it was when he was first learning about marriage and the concept of having a ruler by his side that he realized that feeling he got whenever he was with you meant he was in love with you.

“Are you here for very long?” You tilt your head to the side as you contemplate Ushijima’s father’s question, “We haven’t seen you in a few months, and I’m not sure if Ushijima did, but I certainly missed you, princex.”

Ushijima always misses you when you aren’t around, he decides in his mind.

“I probably have to leave soon,” you respond, hands curled delicately around a porcelain cup that his father had made shortly after he turned eighteen. His country’s colors look good on you, he thinks, “Forgive me for not sending any letters, I’ve found it hard to write lately since my life has been so busy.”

“Yes,” his father smiles, and his face is all Ushijima can concentrate on, because he knows what conversation topic is coming up, “how are the wedding preparations coming along?”

He forgets sometimes. He forgets when you smile at him like he’s the only thing in the room, eyes focused on him and only him. He forgets when you call his name, light with laughter and filled with sunshine. He forgets when you pull at his hands, begging him to dance with you to music that only you can hear, but he always pulls you in, savors the feeling of you pressed against him as you sway together.

He’s always reminded again when he sees the foreign country’s pin claiming you as theirs.

Sometimes he wishes his father had introduced you earlier. That he met you before you were promised to someone else, and yet, he fantasizes about a life where he met you before.

Before what? He laughs to himself bitterly, fork pushing his dinner around the plate as he listens to you talk to his father about your wedding—sometime in the next few months, with blush pink roses and carnations the color of strawberries, even if he knows you hate carnations.

Before you were someone else’s, before you were going to be leaving him, before he could tell you he had loved you for what he thinks is his entire life.

His father told him thinking about ‘what ifs’ only hurts you in the end, and he’s starting to think he was right. In a life filled with expectations in return for nothing, Ushijima supposes he could just settle down with anyone. He won’t be an unloving husband, he’d hate to be what his mother was to his father, and yet, he’s sure he won’t ever be able to give his heart away as willingly.

“Wakatoshi,” god, he hates when you use his first name, and yet it’s worse when you use his last name, because yours will never be the same, “want to walk in the gardens? Your father told me about the renovations he’d done a few months back, I’d love to see them.”

He places his fork and knife over the plate easily, quiet and refined since utensils were one of the first lessons he’d learned, and looks at you, face as neutral as he can make it, “Of course.”

You push back from the table, and fold your hands behind your back, ever the polite guest. Ushijima stands and pushes in the both of your chairs before holding an arm out for you, a polite gesture disguising his desire to hold you as close as he can.

Perhaps most of his life had been spent selfishly hoping for you. In a way that someone in love would, he’s kept his distance from you before, but you’d just barged back in like you were a storm and he was a loosely latched window. He held you at an arm's length away, and you always managed to press as close to him as you could, fighting against his every instinct to turn you away.

He doesn’t mean to monopolize you, not really. Sometimes he just wishes to keep your smile to himself, but he knows you, and when you smile at him the way you do, with a little sparkle in your eye and a tease on your lips, he knows you’re only smiling for him.

He wonders if your betrothed has ever made you smile like he has.

“The roses always look so lovely this time of year,” you muse, both of your shoes clicking in time with his as you make your way to the gardens. A window overlooks the winding green plants, and the cut glass showcases the evening sunset, rainbows splaying across the concrete walls of his father’s castle, “It’s a shame this genus won’t be in bloom when my… wedding is to occur. I’d love to see some Shiratorizawan roses in my bouquet.”

Maybe he’s imagining it, but you sound sad—perhaps it’s only because you won’t have his country’s national flower as a set of your wedding piece, but a man can hope.

“Perhaps we could arrange for a bouquet of dried roses to be set aside for you,” he murmurs, holding the door open for you as you settle into the courtyard, “The scent will be immaculate, and they’ll stay for a good few years.”

Your smile is sweet, but your eyes are sad, he notes.

“Mm,” you pull away from his arm to cradle a wilting rose bloom in your hands, thumbs pressing feather-light against the wilted edges, “I wonder what it would be like to see such gorgeous roses every morning from my balcony. You’re lucky, Wakatoshi.”

“You could,” he says without thinking. A fumble in his normally stoic nature, he tries to cover it with a cough, but you have always been more perceptive of him than he’d like.

He can’t see your face, but he can see the way you release some sort of tension from your shoulders. Dropping the flower, you turn back to him and press a hand to the outside of his arm, “You mean it?”

“Maybe not from a balcony,” he murmurs, hand setting at your waist, his head begins to tip towards you without him even realizing it, “from a kitchen window, perhaps?”

“Overlooking a flower garden, and a vegetable garden?” Your hum is inquisitive, and Ushijima smiles at you, grateful you’re playing along at his fantasy, “Let’s do it, then.”

Oh. Maybe not a fantasy, then.

“Run away with me, ‘Toshi,” your hands reach up, cupping Ushijima’s cheeks as he blinks at you, “I don’t want to get married to anyone that isn’t you.”

“But, my father… I can’t just leave my family like this,” he pulls you into a hug when you sigh against him, thumbs brushing along the highs of his cheeks, “My sister’s not yet ready to take the throne, I can’t just abandon them. What if something happens to father?”

“Your sister’s always wanted to take the throne,” you whisper back, voice tight with desperation, he wants to go with you more than you know, and yet there’s something holding him back, “Let’s go somewhere where we can live like normal people. No crowns, no kingdoms to rule, just you and me.”

“What about your husband?”

You laugh, arms winding around his neck as you press closer to him, “Toshi, darling, don’t think. You’ve always thought too much, just. Let’s just go.”

You rocketed into Ushijima’s life like a shooting star, streaking across his sky without a single thought for the effects you’d leave behind. Yet he can’t help but watch you go.

“Of course.”

The lavender plant that grows along the edges of Ushijima’s house has always offset the harsh pinks of the roses he’d planted underneath the windows. It’s convenient, of course, that his father had left a baby rose bush on his desk the night he left.

“Toshi! The ladies in the town are asking after you again, they want you to come fix the gutters again.”

“I just fixed them last month,” he calls back, back of his hand wiping away the sweat forming on his brow as he looks up. He has to block the sun from his eyes, and your figure is shrouded in shadows instead.

“Mm, perhaps they’re looking for an excuse to see you work again, darling,” you call back, basket in hands as you smile at him. He really will never get tired of your smile, he thinks, “But, while they were distracted talking about you, I managed to sell everything for a little higher price than normal.”

By now, Ushijima has gotten up from the ground and is in front of you, his shadow over your face to block the sun, “My little swindler.”

Your smile loses its intense edge, and instead softens, “Do you ever regret it?”

“Regret what?” He mumbles, leaning down to press a kiss to your cheek, “Being with the love of my life?”

“Mm,” you nod, eyes dreamy as he smiles.

“Not even for a second.”

#ushijima fluff #ushijima wakatoshi #hq ushijima #ushijima x reader #ushijima x you #ushijima wakatoshi x reader #ushijima wakatoshi x you #ushijima x y/n #ushijima wakatoshi x y/n #haikyuu!! ushijima #grind for the wealth

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millenniumblog · 3 years

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[ID: A chart describing the core values of each of the nine Enneagram personality types with YuGiOh characters correlated to each of the types.]

YuGiOh Enneagram Analysis, Part #1

Please note that this is the “boring” informational post about Enneagram with the Types listed and explained as well as a few other things. The next post is what has the actual, in-depth character profiles promised!

Introduction & Motivation

Over the past several months, I have been trying to analyze my strengths and weaknesses as a writer and learn more. I have been writing fanfiction since I was a little kid, making my first FF.net account in 2003 when I would have been twelve years old. Even before that, I was a lurker and wrote fics to share with my childhood best friend on paper or floppy discs.

YuGiOh came into my life at some point shortly thereafter. I know this, because I spent my thirteenth birthday in a comic book shop, mostly watching some of my male friends play the trading card game. I had some of the cards, but I was never much of a player, unable to keep up with the seemingly rapid rule changes. Besides that, I was always way more interested in the story and characters than I was in the card game. I remember I even wanted to call “YuGiOh cards” “Duel Monsters” instead to make it seem a little closer to tween-y LARPing.

Eventually, I gave up on collecting cards or trying to ply the game. I felt that while my male friends didn’t mind me being around when they played, they weren’t extremely interested in helping me learn or keep up. I felt I had other strengths, so I started carrying around a notebook even more than I already did. I started my fledgling forays into online fandom. And YuGiOh was a big part of the beginning of that.

I can’t remember posting any YuGiOh fic in particular, and I’m sure that if I had it would make me cringe now. What I do remember is reading some and also spending a lot of time lying on my bed, headphones plugged into a small purple stereo, listening to the first of the two American-released CDs with YuGiOh-inspired music on them. In particular, the last three tracks were pieces of music from the original score composed for the 4Kids dub, which is - for some reason - different from the original Japanese music.

During that time, I would fantasize and conjure my own YuGiOh plots in my head, most of which were focused on the Ancient Egyptian and more spooky, spiritual, and horror themes in the show. I was really fascinated with the reincarnation angle, though my understanding of and opinions on how that works have grown with time.

Years went by, and I didn’t think about YuGiOh much at all. Then, something happened in 2018. I don’t know what got in my head, but it was like all the joy I once found in thinking about the YuGiOh characters came back in a giddy conversation with my childhood best friend. Then, for a little while, it wouldn’t leave me alone.

I started writing for the fandom then, and after several detours, I’m trying to get back in the groove of it.

My approach to the tone of YuGiOh-fanning is that it’s a bit serious, but it’s also with a tongue placed in my cheek because of how incomprehensible or silly the plot can be on a meta level. Sometimes, it almost brings tears to my eyes by being so over-the-top about something that, in the real world, would make no sense at all. But the drama, in the context of the universe, somehow rings true.

I think that’s all owing to how most of the primary characters are just... really freaking great characters.

It has often puzzled me. Like, did Takahashi do all this layering on purpose? Is it really there, or did earnest fanon just make it seem like it? And, as a person, I am always here for a good fan-and-canon symbiosis.

This post is going to be, from here on, an effort to match the YuGiOh characters to the 9 Enneagram Personality Types. I am writing this for my own benefit as I continue to work on my pet YuGiOh fanfiction project, It’s Always Sunny in Domino City, which is a mixture of YGOTAS-vibes-and-concepts taken seriously and a sincere take on fanfiction for the actual canon. It’s dramedy about a sizeable chunk of the main cast a few years post-canon with some canon divergence such as the Memory World arc not yet and possibly never-happening. If that sounds like something you’d like, I would humbly request you check it out!

Either way, this will be an in-depth character analysis cheatsheet for all of the characters above, based on my observations, opinions, and feelings. I invite discussion, but it’s fine if we need to agree to totally disagree!

If you are interested and enjoy what’s below the Read More and in the coming second post, then you are welcome to utilize the character analyses to aid you in your own fanwork!

Enneagram

What is Enneagram, and why am I using it?

Enneagram is a personality categorization system that one might compare to the somewhat better-known MBTI. However, in the words of excellent writing-advice YouTuber, Abbie Emmons:

MBTI shows us how we behave.

Enneagram shows us what we believe.

I will be referencing Abbie’s video Using The ENNEAGRAM To Write CONFLICTED CHARACTERS and her free Enneagram-cheatsheet, available in the description of the linked video. Whether it’s before you continue reading or after, if you’re interested in writing, I would highly recommend you check out her channel!

The Enneagram system has nine basic personality types that overlap and interact in really interesting ways. It is not a hard science, and it’s not a horoscope. Instead, it’s supposed to be “based on conventional wisdom and modern psychology.” All I can say is that with every set of characters I’ve tried it with, it works! Once you get the hang of it, it feels kind of like ~✰~magic~✰~!

Below, I will list Abbie’s simplified definitions of each of the personality types, in order:

Type 1: The Reformer

The Rational, Idealistic Type:

Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled, and Perfectionistic

Basic Fear: Of being corrupt/evil, defective

Basic Desire: To be good, to have integrity, to be balanced

Key Motivations: Want to be right, to strive higher and improve everything, to be consistent with their ideals, to justify themselves, to be beyond criticism so as not to be condemned by anyone.

Type 2: The Helper

The Caring, Interpersonal Type:

Generous, Demonstrative, People-Pleasing, and Possessive

Basic Fear: Of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved

Basic Desire: To feel loved

Key Motivations: Want to be loved, to express their feelings for others, to be needed and appreciated, to get others to respond to them, to vindicate their claims about themselves.

Type 3: The Achiever

The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type:

Adaptable, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious

Basic Fear: Of being worthless

Basic Desire: To feel valuable and worthwhile

Key Motivations: Want to be affirmed, to distinguish themselves from others, to have attention, to be admired, and to impress others.

Type 4: The Individualist

The Sensitive, Introspective Type:

Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental

Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance

Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an identity)

Key Motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a "rescuer."

Type 5: The Investigator

The Intense, Cerebral Type:

Perceptive, Innovative, Secretive, and Isolated

Basic Fear: Being useless, helpless, or incapable

Basic Desire: To be capable and competent

Key Motivations: Want to possess knowledge, to understand the environment, to have everything figured out as a way of defending the self from threats from the environment.

Type 6: The Loyalist

The Committed, Security-Oriented Type:

Engaging, Responsible, Anxious, and Suspicious

Basic Fear: Of being without support and guidance

Basic Desire: To have security and support

Key Motivations: Want to have security, to feel supported by others, to have certitude and reassurance, to test the attitudes of others toward them, to fight against anxiety and insecurity.

Type 7: The Enthusiast

The Busy, Variety-Seeking Type:

Spontaneous, Versatile, Acquisitive, and Scattered

Basic Fear: Of being deprived and in pain

Basic Desire: To be satisfied and content—to have their needs fulfilled

Key Motivations: Want to maintain their freedom and happiness, to avoid missing out on worthwhile experiences, to keep themselves excited and occupied, to avoid and discharge pain.

Type 8: The Challenger

The Powerful, Dominating Type:

Self-Confident, Decisive, Willful, and Confrontational

Basic Fear: Of being harmed or controlled by others

Basic Desire: To protect themselves (to be in control of their own life and destiny)

Key Motivations: Want to be self-reliant, to prove their strength and resist weakness, to be important in their world, to dominate the environment, and to stay in control of their situation.

Type 9: The Peacemaker

The Easygoing, Self-Effacing Type:

Receptive, Reassuring, Agreeable, and Complacent

Basic Fear: Of loss and separation

Basic Desire: To have inner stability, "peace of mind"

Key Motivations: Want to create harmony in their environment, to avoid conflicts and tension, to preserve things as they are, to resist whatever would upset or disturb them.

Now that you’ve seen all those, what do you think your favorite character is? In YuGiOh or anything else! It works great for original characters and even yourself and your loved ones.

The actual Character Profiles will be in coming post(s), but continue reading if you want me to explain more about how and why the Enneagram is a great personality typing system. #nonspon, or whatever.

The Enneagram Chart

Now, you could just go to the Enneagram Institute’s page on How the System Works, but below I’ll cut it down to only the parts I’m interested in and explain those in a way that helps me.

Unlike in astrology or MBTI, which are both more restrictive in different ways, the relative position of each type matters a bit on the Enneagram chart, because it can be used to visualize a lot of things about a person!

The Basic Chart

The Types are shown in a clockwise fashion with “1″ in the 1 o’clock position on an analog clock. The interior lines mean things, but I have trouble reading it without further delineation.

Centers of Response

Below are two small charts, displayed side-by-side. (If it’s too small, try right-click, open in new tab!)

The chart on the left shows the three “centers.” The “centers” indicate the first ‘processing language’ a person would use to respond to stimuli.

Type 8, Type 9, and Type 1 respond first based on instinct (primal, gut-feeling). If you want to go Freudian, this is from the id.

Type 2, Type 3, and Type 4 respond first based on feelings (social or personal desires, the heart). If you want to go Freudian, this is from the ego.

Type 5, Type 6, and Type 7 respond first based on thoughts (analytical rather than emotional, the head). If you want to go Freudian, this is from the superego.

Remember that, of course, every single type and person engages their instincts, their emotions, and their thoughts at different times and to different degrees, and some of these are learned or changed behaviors. This is about what their innate drive toward that would be.

Likewise, the same “centers” can also be used for the chart on the right. You will notice that all three of these are defined by what is typically considered a negative emotion. This is because this is about a person’s instinctive, not particularly conscious emotional response when they are backed into a corner and deprived of something that is core to the needs of their personality type.

Type 8, Type 9, and Type 1 tend to respond to a threat to their psychic well-being with anger/rage.

Type 2, Type 3, and Type 4 tend to respond to a threat to their psychic well-being with shame.

Type 5, Type 6, and Type 7 tend to respond to a threat to their psychic well-being with fear.

Stress vs. Growth

We all know that there are times when a person isn’t acting like themselves, for better or for worse. Usually, “You’re not acting like yourself,” means that a person is behaving badly. Of course, it’s way easier to withdraw and bristle and defend rather than growing in the midst of adversity. However, it is certainly possible to experience character growth in response to experiences, good and bad. Unlike a lot of other personality typing schemes, the Enneagram has a way to display and predict what stress and growth do to a person.

The Enneagram never suggests that any Type is an island unto itself. Every person contains multitudes, but a person’s Type is likely to remain relatively stable throughout their lives, once they have had a chance to develop any personality at all. This means that when a person is stressed or growing that they do not become the type they emulate. Rather, they are more highly expressing that aspects of their personality that reflect those drives and desires but in a way that is either fraught, sickly, or unwell (in the case of stress), or aspirational, flying-high, and incorporating the hard-lessons into who a person is going to be going forward (in the case of growth). The latter, especially, isn’t a sustainable mode, while a stressed person can become more entrenched in their bad habits and defensive coping mechanisms.

Stress

Note the white, directional arrows. Each number has an arrow point pointing to it and an arrow leading away from it. The point indicates that this is the stress manifestation for the Type at the origin of that arrow. The origin of each arrow indicates the Type being described.

Confused? Let me finally give you a YuGiOh example.

When I was trying to identify the Types of the characters, defining Marik was difficult, because he has a “Yami,” or Dark Side, which has its own personality and will but which is not its own separate soul or person than Marik himself. Rather, it’s a kind of fantasy/magic-assisted personality splintering where Yami Marik is a full manifestation of the negative traits Marik needed to embody to survive.

So, for reference:

When stressed, Type 1 behaves more like Type 4.

When stressed, Type 2 behaves more like Type 8.

When stressed, Type 3 behaves more like Type 9.

When stressed, Type 4 behaves more like Type 2.

When stressed, Type 5 behaves more like Type 7.

When stressed, Type 6 behaves more like Type 3.

When stressed, Type 7 behaves more like Type 1.

When stressed, Type 8 behaves more like Type 5.

When stressed, Type 9 behaves more like Type 6.

Alternatively, you can use these sequences to follow the stress lines:

1-4-2-8-5-7-1

9-6-3-9

Growth

Think of the above-explanation in reverse.

The sequence:

1-7-5-8-2-4-1

9-3-6-9

As a Type 1 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 7.

As a Type 2 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 4.

As a Type 3 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 6.

As a Type 4 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 1.

As a Type 5 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 8.

As a Type 6 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 9.

As a Type 7 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 5.

As a Type 8 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 2.

As a Type 9 grows, they incorporate more positive traits of Type 3.

Wings

The final thing to know about the Enneagram chart for my purposes is about wings. The wing of your personality traits accounts for the complementary and contradictory aspects of your personality. They are the inconsistencies that make you human, predicted and jumped in. Typically, a person is not thought to have both possible wings but one or the other. A wing is one of the two adjacent Types to yours, the number before, or the number after, and it is annotated, for example:

Type 1, Wing 2: 1w2

Type 1, Wing 9: 1w9

Link to Part 2 Here!

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purplerose244 · 3 years

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It was always you

Hello everyone!! 😊

I’m a bit late but I really wanted to contribute to the @lukadrien-june event, I hope this is okay! Based on the third prompt, while throwing in some character study for sunshine boy! 💛

Enjoy!! 😙😙

Summary: Love was supposed to be easy, at least in his head. A pure perfect fairy tale... except it was not. Adrien takes probably more time to realize it than other people but he is getting there. Especially not alone.

Read it on the AO3 here

If there was one thing that Adrien wished he had known, before giving up homeschooling once and for all and finally starting to build a life, was that loving wasn’t nearly as simple and dreamlike as his extremely well-developed imagination had led him to believe. He truly wished that he could borrow Bunnix’ Miraculous sometimes, just to head back to that room where he used to spend his entire time on his own dreaming of himself and his soulmate and getting married at sight, and tell him that if living was hard outside, heart matters were even harder.

Love wasn’t that ideal, it wasn’t reductive.

It wasn’t nearly that basic either. It took him a while, but he had figured it out.

It had all started with Ladybug of course, most of his new experiences in the real world had started with her. He had fallen in love with her pretty much two days after meeting her… granted, being stuck into his own house for years thinking of himself as a poor prince in waiting of a savior rather than a knight out to get the princess, might had developed in him a bit of an eagerness for romance. She was smart, beautiful, courageous, resourceful and a hero, what was there not to love? Besides they were Chat Noir and Ladybug, they were meant to be… because… that was Ladybug. The moment he had realized how much he loved that image – if he used to fantasize before looked at him now –, and how he had started to slowly care less and less about knowing what was hiding behind it, that was the dealbreaker. He didn’t want to be in love with a figure, an icon for Paris, because it was what all people had always reduced him to. It would have not been a good way to start, and it would have not been fair for her either.

Getting over all those dreams about the marriage, the children and the hamster – oh the hamster, heart stay still – that he had wished for so intensely had been… easy? Not exactly, but smooth. A strong emptiness and pain that had slowly faded away with time. After all, Ladybug was never going to be far from him, and she cared about him a lot, he knew that much. He could love her, no matter what, no matter in what way.

After that singular and very one-sided experience, a spectacular sequence of disasters had made him slowly and steadily feel aware of how much messier the concept of relationships really was. One thing was dodging Chloe’s overly affectionate tendencies or his fans’ intense assaults over him; the other realizing that Kagami was ready to commit into something he wasn’t sure of, that Lila was still somehow convinced that he wanted something to do with her after all of her lies – for a fox this sly she sure was in denial… why did that sound hypocrite? –, and that Marinette had apparently harbored feelings for him almost as soon as they had met – oh yeah that was why. Life, a real, multifaced, worth living life was chaotic and confusing, it hurt, and it saddened, and he was behind everyone, struggling like mad to catch up.

Rejecting so many people he cared about had been awful. Some of his closest friends, all important parts of his life in different ways, and all because he wasn’t smart enough to understand feelings and his own clearly weren’t right. When Marinette had smiled at him with tears in her eyes, saying that it was okay and that she understood, Adrien had decided that it was enough. He wasn’t going to attempt anything else, if it always ended up with hurting someone he cared about.

He could deal with his feelings on his own, he always did, without paining anyone. There was no problem anyway, after Ladybug no one had ever shaken his heart.

No one, no one at all… and during that time, between slowly realizing that perhaps looking for wedding rings after two days sounded a little unreasonable and somehow managing to hate his face plastered all over Paris even more than before, the Music Festival had occurred, along with the awakening of Captain Hardrock. The famous tripping over the bridge had happened, a goofiness that had somehow gotten him into a band.

Him had happened. The charming, kind, intriguing guitarist of the Liberty, that had welcomed him the moment he had been there.

Luka Coffaine.

… Adrien was starting to hate his heart a little bit.

Luckily or unluckily, around that time he had found himself too caught up in his and other people’s messes to even realize how he had always unconsciously smiled at the boy whenever he was there, and how it had become normal for him to stay with him after band practice, without caring on how father could had reacted to his delay – just how dense was he about his feelings… never mind. It took Lila to finally focus on something other than plotting, Chloe to start paying attention to her own life instead of worsening others, and Marinette and Kagami to begin exchange sweet looks for him to finally find some normality to think – and develop an extremely intense fanboy soul.

Enough to realize that ever since Desperada, with the brilliant introduction of Viperion to the team, Adrien had found himself as Luka’s confidant, the only one besides Ladybug aware of his secret identity. Exciting stories, confessions, insecurities, all while the guitarist was making such an effort to communicate with words, because he trusted him enough not to judge his mind.

And Adrien was enjoying the confidence, the vicinity. A lot. Truly a lot.

… way too much for it to be normal.

It had woken him at night. He had teared up in his bed, curled on one side while Plagg had been purring next to his ear all night. It was the first time that being in love had felt this terrifying. He didn’t want to mess everything up, not again, not with Luka. The freedom he felt with being on the Liberty, the time spent with his friends in the band, the warming welcome he had always received from captain Anarka and Juleka – and by extension Rose, those two always came in pair –, and every single moment spent without having to care about who he was and what did he represent because Luka didn’t care about covers, he cared about the real music coming from people. Everything could disappear in a moment.

With that set of mind, he had spent some of the most tense moments of his life, constantly pondering about what to do next. What exactly was a person supposed to do if he liked another without making a mess? What was the alternative to confess his undying love and hope to plan a wedding at the end of his studies? Was there an alternative??

His anxious attitude had inevitably gotten the attention of his group of friends, that for some miracle hadn’t gotten tired of his denseness, especially Marinette. She hadn’t seemed to care much, especially not while distractively holding the amulet Kagami had made for her – somehow love life had made the fencer even deadlier during practice, like she was fighting was someone, impressive. It had taken them to bribe him with a new recipe of croissants from the Dupain-Cheng bakery to be forced to talk, a necessity that had exploded out of his lips the moment his friends had been gathered on Marinette’s bed to listen. The sweets had been amazing. Just a bit salty… but that was probably because he hadn’t been able to talk without tearing up all over the food.

At the end of the discussion, Marinette had squeaked so loudly his ears had started to ring.

“You have to confess and get together, you two would be a great couple!” To which he had responded that he didn’t want to risk it, especially since he didn’t know how it was going to end.

Alya had slammed her hands over her own knees – ouch –, standing up.

“You have to man up! Don’t think about what could happen, go for it and make him yours!” To which he had said that he didn’t want to be insensitive again in case it didn’t go well – also that that kind of wording was a little confusing, enough to turn him bright red.

Then Nino had looked up from his phone, looking a little baffled. He had changed too, considering that love matters used to make him all nervous.

“Why don’t you ask him out first and see how it goes from there? You don’t have to become boyfriends if it feels too soon.” The table had gone silent, all eyes were on the DJ, who simply arched an eyebrow. “… you do know you can go on a date with someone, realize that it’s not working without actually get together, right?” More silence had followed. Adrien was sure that he had felt a weird mixture of disappointment and relief, while Marinette had looked so very shocked.

In conclusion, Nino was amazing. Like that was new.

Starting from there the blonde had been practicing in front of the mirror every day, terrified of rejection but less tense over how things could go. Despite fans and admirers his past relationships, if those could be called, weren’t giving him much of a booster or a good feeling about how this chance was going to play. Somehow it hardly mattered. Luka was a very reasonable person, he was going to reject him very nicely. It had been almost uplifting the idea of the guitarist treating him with absolute kindness, even while shattering all of his dreams.

One day Luka had called him over for an improv session. It happened often, this artist was extremely instinctive when it came to music, and he had told him that having a more rational and accurate player like Adrien around grounded him to his usual style. It was flattering every time he was called for that same reason, it was an occasion that made the blonde ignore all about his current schedule – of course he was at fencing right now, Kagami could cover- uhm, confirm for him –, to finally focus on something that he really wanted to do. Luka was always waiting over the bed of his room, playing a few notes, stopping for minutes then going again. It was calming and endearing, like Adrien was allowed to hear the inside of his mind.

He had been standing there, legs crossed at the end of the bed while Luka was lying down with the instrument. There had been only sounds for all of this time, without additions or suggestions or anything. It was nice. Really nice. Adrien had wondered what else could he discover out of him just by stay close like this, and how much he wanted to. The need to let those words out had been steadily growing without him realizing it.

“Luka?” Until they were out. “Do you wanna go on a date with me?” Mirror practice had helped, it had come out almost mechanically. There was a spark into his stomach, the adrenaline pouring out. The melody in the air had stopped for a pretty terrifying second.

Then it had come back as a full, real song. It was timid, sweet, and sincere.

“I’d love to.” In his own giddiness, Adrien could admit of being wrong. Yet he was almost sure he had seen the calm and controlled guitarist blush the tiniest little bit.

A single date at the restaurant where Alya’s mother worked at without people in the way – he loved his friends so much – had followed another one walking hand in hand through Rue Montorgueil in disguise – at last he had achieved his long-lasting dream of looking like someone else without the mask –, that had followed another one at a secret party Chloe had organized at Le Grand Paris for her classmates – she had given him such a smirk at seeing his plus one, gossip was coming. It had nothing to do with the dates of his daydreams, the ones he had lived through his head for years: every single time his stomach was so tense it felt like it was burning, painfully, making him question if he really wanted this. Then, the moment they were there talking, engaging themselves into an interesting topic while letting time pleasantly leave them behind, the stress was gone and there were only the two of them.

They had gone like this for months. Some absolutely lovely months. At some point Alya, stopping him at school, had calmly stated that him and Luka combined with Marinette and Kagami were making her feel single, and she had a boyfriend, so it was probably time to make it official. He had agreed with her, of course he had. He liked Luka… yeah right, he loved him. Everything with him felt so real, so close and intense, like he was finally living.

His feelings weren’t the problem… Luka’s were.

Not that he doubted him. Not after all the little orange blossoms left over his keyboard before band practice – they meant eternal love, oh heart stay still once again –, the songs sung for him whenever he felt upset or angry at his father, or the hand kisses at the end of every single date, like he was being cherished every single time. One of the guitarist’s biggest qualities was his sincerity, Adrien was absolutely sure he could trust him and his heart. Just how he had never blamed anyone before, not Chloe, not Kagami, not Marinette, not even Lila, for their feelings towards him.

They had been real, like his own feelings for Ladybug used to be… but they were for Adrien only, the supermodel, Paris’ iconic pretty face and perfect boy. That perfection in him, one he had been forced to practice in order to please his father, that was attracted others, but it wasn’t in any way all that was in him.

What was all the rest? It was also there. But it came out only whenever he wore the mask.

With time, the image he had been forced to wear for the profit of his father had grown into an uncomfortable, old sweater that he hadn’t known it had felt unbelievably itchy until he got the possibility to take it off, to try something else. And that black-leather armor was his absolute favorite. Nothing felt like freedom as that, nothing felt like him as those moments, whenever he jumped into the sky holding hard onto his staff. Thanks to his Miraculous he had discovered himself. Thanks to that he had found out that he liked making jokes, he loved puns, he liked making a fool of himself for the sake to have fun. He liked risking, he liked dancing, he wasn’t too keen on closed places, and he absolutely loved how the moon reflected into the Seine at night after patrol. Everything was him, so vividly him it made him choke a little at the mere thought of it.

Adrien Agreste was another mask, one he was growing considerably tired to wear. He had been through some love experiences now, even though they did not end quite well: there was no point into pretending to be someone he wasn’t, there was no meaning into hiding himself when he truly wanted to establish a bond with someone. He had known this, he knew this.

But if everyone liked Adrien better… if Luka liked Adrien better, how was he supposed to do that?

The tension coming from those thoughts was there only when he wasn’t around his favorite guitarist, making him at least forget about the dilemma coming with. Even so, around those times he had found himself at least wondering exactly what kind of opinion his date had about Chat Noir. He wasn’t sure, they had never talked much in their superhero personas, because of the urge of the moment and because with his lady’s strategic mind and a power like Second Chance it was unfairly easy sometimes to solve the situation – Ladybug needed to start bringing Viperion more often and yes, maybe just a little bit to see more of Luka in sexy snake cosplay. He was fairly sure he didn’t mind him, he seemed to even smile at him sometimes – total heart eyes –, but he wanted to be sure.

It had been night at the Liberty, they had ordered pizza. Sugary drinks made Rose giggle like mad, so Juleka had brought her to her room to take a nap and probably cuddle, leaving the two of them alone. That wasn’t weird. Wondering if the guy Adrien was dating liked his cat counterpart, that was weird. At the end, looking at how relaxed the boy over the sofa was while distractively bending the last pizza crust, he hadn’t been able to do pose a potentially confusing question, asking instead what he thought about Ladybug – he had made a mental post-it to whine loudly into his pillow later.

Luka had brought up stuff he already knew, how she was a great leader, an inspiration, extremely smart and courageous. Despite the failure of questioning him Adrien had smiled, he was weirdly happy they thought the same about his partner.

“She has a huge responsibility and deals with it incredibly, that’s commendable… with that being said, my favorite is Chat Noir.” A boom inside. “He’s hot.” A second, bigger explosion had occurred into Adrien’s head – in a feeble spark of lucidity he had begged his brain not to produce smoke out of his ears. Luka had laughed, playing some more, without looking directly at him. “And he’s such a selfless, reliable person, you can tell from how he doesn’t hesitate to help others or support me or Ladybug. He’s incredibly loyal, and… really funny.”

It had taken perhaps a second too long, in which a thousand of tiny little Adrien running all over his brain had been screaming out loud hysterically about how this handsome guitarist was a Chat Noir fan, and it had been the best day ever. Then he had managed to talk, ask, his voice was a little raspy.

“You… you like his puns?” Luka had scooted closer to him, smirking a little.

“It’s our little secret.” With that he had put a hand around his shoulders, bringing him closer to him. The blonde had abandoned himself into the embrace, trying to hide the giddy smile in his chest.

It got easier to let himself go from that moment forward, knowing that at least some parts of Chat Noir Luka didn’t mind at all. Having Nino groaning like mad after they had all taken their matchmaker ice creams from Andre, with Adrien coming out with a “I scream for an ice cream”, had been worth it just to see the guitarist rolling his eyes with an endeared smile. It had felt good. He couldn’t fully let go, being a model and famous and all that baloney, but he could stop pretending for a moment and embrace a little bit more about himself.

It had hit him much later that perhaps, maybe, possibly, the matter of telling Luka about his superhero identity was meant to come up at some point. It hadn’t seemed an important matter before, he was not supposed to do reveal it anyway according to Ladybug. Then again, this wasn’t a relationship behind masks like that one, it was as open as it could be. Also Plagg wasn’t exactly the biggest fan or rules anyway, he had doubted he would have minded. Hearing Luka talking about his latest adventure with Viperion, basically summarizing everything Adrien already knew from his point of view, made him feel a bit guilty about not coming clean. Still, it was hard to recall that unpleasantness with Luka always ending the discussion making a comment about Chat Noir, probably catching up over the fact that Adrien was also a ��fan’. Knowing that such a charming boy like Luka considered his pun machine alter ego attractive, stating that the only blondie with green eyes as handsome he knew was Adrien, was definitely a good way to end the day.

Then, that had happened. Apparently, Hawk Moth had thought that the idea of unleashing once again Gorizilla over the powerless city of Paris was a hilarious idea. It had taken them forever to calm him down, the bodyguard had been all agitated since there had been no sign of his protegee – at least for what he knew. Cataclysm, Lucky Charm, Miraculous Ladybug, the script was old and overused and after the most tired pound it ever Adrien had called it a day, sinking into his own bed as soon as he had been home.

The unconscious was a calming place, a pleasant one, just like Luka.

Just like Luka… Luka… the date.

Out of pure will and terror he had managed to get on his feet, realizing with horror that not only he hadn’t just fallen asleep, but he was also late. Two. Hours. Late. Dread didn’t describe properly the feeling that had taken over. Begging a very annoyed looking Plagg he had launched himself into the night sky, running on all four out of pure despair. When he had arrived at the restaurant, miserably closed, Luka was leaning over the wall of the entrance that was off, humming a very mellow, very melancholic melody. And he had dressed up, for once in his life wearing something classy, a white dress shirt and a black jacket without sleeves. His hair had grown a bit in those months, enough for him to pull a little ponytail.

What a waste, Adrien had thought. What a waste on someone like him, this beautiful person lightening up as soon as he was there, running to hug him, saying that he knew there had been an akuma today and he was happy to see he was okay. Except he wasn’t, this wasn’t, it was not okay. He was taking advantage of his position, the fact that there was stuff he was keeping for himself. It wasn’t fair for himself, most importantly it wasn’t fair for him.

“And you’re okay with this?” He didn’t know what he had been implying with those words, he had felt the need to get them out. To be heard. Because Luka always listened.

The guitarist had given him a weird, aware look, holding up his hands.

“I am if you are.” Unfair. Unfair. Unfair. Nothing but that feeling of guilt had filled his heart, and Adrien had rushed in, hugging him as closely as he could. Luka had embraced back, caressing his back slowly and gently as it was his way of being, telling him that they could postpone on a day with a less dangerous akuma terrorizing the city. Adrien had kept his eyes shut, choking silent sobs against his jacket. Thinking that maybe it was okay, maybe they could still keep going like this. H was scared, besides there was no need to change anything, or even better there was no need to say something that wasn’t needed. This was enough, this could be enough.

Adrien had then opened his eyes, only to feel them pinching. From the window of the restaurant, he could see the lonely white table with two dishes and two glasses, and all around… were candles and roses. Luke remembered. He had remembered the mention of the romantic gesture the blonde had done for a girl that hadn’t gone as planned. He had remembered how Adrien had always wished for something like that for himself. He knew how much of a hopeless romantic he was. Luka knew him.

At the same time, he didn’t. He didn’t know him. It was not okay.

It was not okay, and it was not enough.

Mirror sessions were back after that, more frantic than ever but less frequent than he would have liked – he was dense he could admit, not enough to proclaim to his father or Nathalie that he was Chat Noir while in the shower. He had wished it was like preparing for a shooting, or even imagining to be an actor like mom was. The tension was nothing like. The number of warnings coming from all directions was massive, starting from how once again his friends were getting worried about him – he wasn’t going to resist the bribe of chocolate chip cookies for long –, how Ladybug had expressively told him no one was supposed to know about their real identities, how there was no telling how Luka was going to react over the fact that his date was the cat boy with whom sometimes he fought crime with – man that was a weird line to say out loud. He had found it hard to sleep, too tense to get lost into his dreams, questioning his decision all night long.

One night, after a particularly harsh internal battle between him himself and he, he had rolled over a little too much forgetting about his poor little cheese-eating friend. He had been on his way to apologize to the squished kwami, but with a single firm gesture coming from his tiny arm Plagg had gotten him to shut up, eyes widened and extremely pissed.

“You’re telling him.” His eyelid had twitched a little. Right, he had kept him awake as well. “I don’t care what Ladybug says, I don’t care what Tikki says, you’re telling him.”

“Huh, okay?”

“It’s not a question Adrien, it’s an order. Do it or else you won’t find Atlantis that much of a natural disaster.” Wasn’t for experience he would have doubted that this tiny guy was able of much. Good thing he did have precedents, so Adrien had opted to nod and lay down once again. Following orders was still pretty normal for him anyway. “… besides…” Plagg had scooted closer to him, nudging against his shoulder while closing his eyes. “No secret is worth taking away your happiness, kid.” Adrien had found no problem sleeping from then on.

At last, after a bit more of self-convincing, it had all come down on the matter of when. Adrien wasn’t exactly sure if the news was particularly good or bad, consequentially he had no idea if the reveal had to be organized during a joyful or tense situation. Was a date a good idea? Or was it better to simply invite him over, or go to his house and talk? Luka was a great listener, but he didn’t always like to talk much, maybe he was going to feel pressured in the second case. He communicated better with songs… but writing a jingle about how he was a superhero in a leather suit with a ring that could pulverize the Tour Eiffel didn’t sound like a hit – maybe… or maybe it was, he had to ask Luka later if the matter was going to be solved. After so much time pondering, he had been left with nothing concrete, no ideas. He couldn’t ask his friends, nor Ladybug. Maybe this was a bad decision after all – never mind Plagg that was still glaring.

He had been trying to focus on his Chinese homework all afternoon, his mind running miles with him unable to make it stop. Then his phone had lightened up, a welcomed distraction that had blossomed into absolute delight at reading the sender’s name. Despite the migraine coming along with the situation, it was all worth it just for a chance to be with him.

Melody: Hey Sunshine

Melody: If I remember right you’re free tomorrow

Melody: Do you want to come over?

Me: Of course I do :)

Me: My schedule ends early afternoon

Me: Is the evening okay?

Melody: Perfect

Melody: Dress nice, it’s a date

Melody: A special one, for a special day

Me: Why? What’s tomorrow?

Melody: Wanna guess?

Me: …

Me: Thursday?

Melody: Ahah, well also

Melody: But also exactly one year since the Music Festival

Melody: It’s the day you and I met

Somehow while melting into an absolute puddle of tears and adoring whines, Adrien had realized that this guy was too wonderful. In his heart the last thing he wanted to do was ruining something good, especially a night Luka had prepared for him. But this wasn’t about himself anymore, this was about giving him what he deserved. Hopefully they were going to have a date still after this.

Hopefully. Adrien had tried to forget about that eventuality, at least enough to finish his homework. It had taken him a while to fall asleep that night – Plagg had simply whispered “thin ice” in a very grumpy tone.

The next day he had used all his experience as a model to look his best, raised two thumbs up at his mirror, and headed out. He had begged his bodyguard to leave him alone on this one and the big guy had actually agreed, somehow seeing his seriousness and commitment more than his father – granted that the bar was pretty low on that one. The path leading to the Liberty was not exactly short from his house, yet he had felt the absolute need to rethink everything. Perhaps to find it in himself the strength to blame himself for wanting to come clean only now. It had been a year, a year since he had met Luka. He had changed so much, his thoughts, his world, himself. He was there to make just another change and take control, it was terrifying and exciting…

…

… and there he was.

When he saw the Liberty, his stomach did that fluttering again. Pure tension and longing mixed together, because this was about him and it was making him grow terrified; but this was about him, and he loved everything that involved him. The sight of the ship covered in aromatic candles and roses with the table prepared on the bridge, the most romantic place once again, should had not surprised him after all. He still had to close his eyes for a moment to recollect himself.

Luka was waiting on the dock, smiling at him. It was such a lovely view, and when he extended his hand towards him it turned into the perfect view.

“You look amazing. You’re ready?”

He was. He finally was. Adrien sighed, shaking his head.

“I have to tell you something first.” Huh, something was wrong. The guitarist had changed expression, he looked so confused and hurt all of the su- wait. “Ah! No! Not that kind of ‘I have to tell you something’, an actual ‘I have to tell you something’!” He had practiced this moment for so long, how was it possible he had never noticed how off it sounded? Luka let out a nervous laugh. Ah, his hands were sweating already, where was Chat Noir’s confidence when he needed it? “I really need to get this out of my chest.”

“Oh, okay. I’m listening.”

“And if afterwards you have doubts about…” He didn’t like it, but he needed to state it as it was. “… all of this, I’ll understand.” He was in. He was doing it. No turning back. That most likely didn’t sit right with Luka, he wasn’t looking any less distressed.

He reached for him, grabbing one of his hand for comfort. Even though he didn’t understand, he was still doing his best to be there. Gosh, Adrien loved him, so much.

“Don’t jump to conclusions, tell me what it is and then we can talk about it.” He looked for communication in his relationships, he had told him from the start and even before, during the times they used to talk about anything and everything, waiting for the sun to set behind the bridge over the Seine. The blonde hoped they were going to talk too.

He closed his eyes again, took the deepest breath in his life, and nodded.

“It might sound crazy, but please listen to me and believe me.” Luka nodded immediately. “I…” He had composed a whole speech about how much these last months had been amazing, how he was sorry that he had kept quiet over something important for so long, and how he hoped that they could still try and be together for real. A convincing discussion slowly leading to the reveal. “… I’m Chat Noir, and I love you.” Out of all of that he had taken seven words max and blurted them out without a single thought in his head.

The cat was out of the bag, classic cat superhero style. If only that knowledge wasn’t making him feel worse. He was tense, sweating, completely still, waiting for his judgement. Every second was turning into a minute then an hour then it was getting lost into his own misty head.

It was warm outside, even at that hour.

Those long fingers clenched around his hand.

Adrien looked up. Luka was smiling tearfully at him, his blue eyes were mesmerizing. He laughed happily, then he reached for his cheek. Heartbeats echoed into the blonde’s head as he got closer, eyes narrowed but still open as to catch any kind of rejection. It hit him very very slowly that this was actually true, this out of world fantasy was not a fruit of his messed up imagination, and the moment the realization took over Adrien closed the distance between them. Wow. Luka kissed nothing like he would have expected. His hand on his cheek was careful and gentle like him, but his lips were caressing his with want and passion, like they had lost all the patience behind the moment they had met in electric need. Closeness was something Adrien had missed for such a long time and could never get enough of. Luka’s closeness was whole, real, his. He reached for his jacket, just to hold onto something and have another proof that this was happening.

They parted, and then got closer, kissing again and again, happily trapped into a bubble in which time and space couldn’t reach them. When they back away with trembling breaths, Adrien felt his lips getting immediately cold and couldn’t help himself as he reached for one last peck. Luka laughed into it, pressing back then leaning his forehead over his. There was an amount of sweetness into those eyes that it made the blonde want to look away, his sight getting all blurry.

“I love you too.” His hand was still over his face. “Will you be my boyfriend?”

The answer was the clearest of his life. It was screaming from the bottom of his stomach, it was highlighted in neon in the middle of his brain. He was almost tempted to tackle him to the ground and let his actions speak for himself – alright he needed to chill for a moment –, then confusion hit him. He… he said it, he had said it, right? He told him the truth about his identity. Then what was this lack of reaction? Where was the amazement, the fright, the confusion, even the anger? Adrien Agreste had just confessed he made a habit of running over the roofs of Paris in full cat cosplay and this was the reaction?

“I… you… what’s going on?” Luka giggled, probably still caught up with the latest nice mood. Maybe he didn’t believe the blonde, maybe he didn’t hear him at all. For a musician this talented it sounded farfetched to miss a sound, but you never knew. “I’m… I’m Chat Noir, Luka.”

The guitarist blinked, smile slowly decreasing but without disappearing.

“Yeah, I heard that.”

“As the superhero, Chat Noir.”

“Yeah, I know that.”

“Then why aren’t you saying anything about that?” A little shrug. The last thing he would have expected was this nonchalance. It was maddening. “I’m a superhero, I’m Chat Noir! Why aren’t you mad? You deserved to know! You should’ve known for a…” Suddenly the guitarist’s eyes were not as easy to find as before. Like they were hiding something. “… a… while…” Again, Adrien was extremely dense emotionally, and some things were harder to understand for him. But he wasn’t stupid, most important, he couldn’t ignore that little guilty grin of his taking over. “… you knew.” The pressure that had assaulted him for the last period disappeared completely, now there was only absolute shock. “You knew I was Chat Noir?!? What in the world, since when?!?”

The guitarist passed a hand over his neck, looking a little reluctant. It was a little weird of an emotion on him, on someone so on track with himself and proud of his persona. He took his hands, gently guiding him onto the bridge. That was one relief at least.

“To be honest, I was never completely sure. If you hadn’t told me I wouldn’t have known one hundred percent… but at some point I started to have my suspicions.” He led him near the rail, the moon was mirroring into the water of the Seine. His heart soared at the view. “It was the kind of thought you pay attention to only when something comes up, so I never actively tried to prove it was real.” He sounded relaxed. Perhaps he had made peace with it for a while.

Adrien nodded absently, feeling a weird limbo between relief that he wasn’t completely recognizable and that there were at least doubts in people’s minds.

“Okay, but there has to be a time when you started to think about it.”

“… there was a moment.” Once more Luka looked guilty, while smiling still. He looked at him, raising his hands. “Again, it was a doubt, not a certainty. I never actively knew for sure you were Chat Noir, okay?” The blonde frowned but nodded. “Well… remember the Desperada incident?”

He gaped, so strongly he almost chocked.

“You have a suspicion for months?!” Luka laughed a little, that managed to calm him down a little.

“An idea, a speculation, call it what you want. It got me and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.” He leaned against the rail, looking pensive. “We were hiding in the lockers, and while I was in there I heard you opening and closing a locker… then opening and closing a door.” Holy Miraculous he was an idiot. “When I found you with Ladybug in the sewer you left, and I got the snake Miraculous. Right after that Chat Noir was back.” He grinned, eyes lightening up. “From that moment the possibility has never really left my mind, and nothing has happened that made me think it couldn’t be real.” Of course not, Adrien was never around Chat Noir and Chat Noir was never around Adrien. It almost made sense – sure, ‘almost’.

Adrien took a few deep breaths, still recovering from that sudden reveal – a confession that did not go the way he would have expected. He looked at this guy who so calmly was taking everything in, a view that was calming like very few other things and, slowly, he smiled, joining him at admiring the Seine. He let his head fall onto his shoulder, closing his eyes for a moment.

“I was so worried about this.”

“I’m sorry, I really didn’t know what to do. On one hand I didn’t want it to be true, because it made me feel anxious whenever I looked at the news and saw another dangerous akuma.” He wrapped his arm around him protectively. It felt so nice. “On the other, it was kind of an endearing thought, that the two gorgeous blondes I knew just happened to be the same person.” Gosh he was going to die, this person did not hold back with compliments with either of them.

Speaking of…

“Wait, if you were thinking about it since back then… were you teasing me on purpose whenever you talked about Chat Noir in front of me?” Whoa, he had to take in the fact that this very zen guitarist was able to make such a suggestive smile. I made his entire face burn. “Oh my gosh.”

“You were always blushing whenever I did it, I couldn’t help myself.”

“For real??”

“It was too adorable. At that point either you were really him or you found him attractive as well… which I would’ve understood.”

“Stooop!!” Adrien covered his eyes, his heart bursting out of his chest, laughing out what was left of his fear. “… you really don’t care? I’m the one who asked you out, not Chat Noir.” A bit a sadness made him step away just a little. “And people like me better when I’m not him…”

“If people aren’t into you when you’re a blonde superhero with a sexy catsuit, maybes there’s something wrong with them. I suggest blindness.” It got him to laugh. Luka brought him closer, arms around him. “Besides, there aren’t two people here. You are Adrien, and you are Chat Noir. Being a superhero is a part of you. And I love it, because it makes you… you.” Truly sincerity was his biggest quality. Adrien didn’t doubt a word that had come out of his mouth. He leaned his head into the crook of his shoulder.

“Are you sure?” Luka nodded, his hair tickling his cheek.

Then he pulled away. He put a finger under his chin, raising it up. Their eyes met. There was such a calm, comfortable world behind those blue globes. It made him want to never leave.

“You’re a rare symphony, Adrien Agreste, one that had been kept hidden for far too long. I wanna hear that song, your soul, finally free to be heard. I want to know its beauty, because the echo alone is astonishing.” He knew him. He knew all of him. “The kind and selfless to a fault, the professional and determinate model, the mischievous and enchanting superhero, these are all notes that play in your life, that make your life. And I wanna be part of that song, if you will let me.” He pressed another, shorter kiss on his lips, as to seal this moment forever into his body, forever into his heart.

There was no way Adrien would have been able to stop tears. Luka gulped. The blonde smiled, a horribly wide, unsophisticated curve that would have made all of his photographers shudder at the same time. Perhaps that was why it felt so immensely good.

“You… y-you’re not allowed to say you’re not good with words after this.”

The guitarist laughed, relieved, holding him closer.

“It’s a yes then, Sunshine?” Adrien smiled, reaching forward again, thinking that there was no imaginary world of his able to replicate this.

“It’s a yes, Melody.”

This was pure, unparalleled, wholesome reality.

#lukadrien #luka coffaine #adrien agreste #chat noir #viperion #miraculous #miraculous ladybug #ml #ml fic #ml fanfic #lukadrien june 2021 #fanfiction #fic

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furiousgoldfish · 5 years

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So I knew the concept of "favourite person" was something associated with bpd (borderline personality disorder), and I thought it was accidental that I had most of the symptoms of having one, because I knew I didn't have bpd. But recently I've been talking to a friend, and discovered they also cover most of the symptoms. So now I'm suspecting it might be more common among traumatized children, and I'm going to write about it.

"Favourite person" in the context of bpd, is someone so important and special to you, you feel as if you can't live without them. Here's a list of symptoms:

you crave attention and affection from this person constantly

you want to be around them and be with them at all times

you want to have things in common with them so badly you're ready to change your hobbies and interests to match theirs

you spend time fantasizing about future with this person

affection and praise from this person makes you so happy it's like a high that makes you forget all your problems

you idealize them and it feels like they can do no wrong

you are ready to defend and understand their every action

you miss them intensely even if they're gone for just few hours

it's hard to get thru the day without them

your mood depends entirely on weather they gave you attention that day

you react with panic with any change of tone from them, or lack of interest

you are extremely anxious about this person leaving you, and you feel like you wouldn't be able to make it without them

if they don't text you back or act disinterested, you are in pain and feel abandoned

if they start to ignore or neglect you, it feels like your entire world is breaking down and you can't take it

you apologize to this person excessively if you think you've done anything to upset them

you get jealous about everyone else they spend time with, even if it's just other friends

you feel like your only way to be happy is to have them at your side

you only feel normal when they're with you, or in contact with you

you feel like you have no identity or purpose without them, your life revolves around them

you want them to need you as much as you need them

you can get very angry if this person says the wrong thing and makes you feel bad

you feel the urge to express your anger at person for hurting you, when they're neglecting you or not acting how you feel they're supposed to

A lot of these both me and my friend have, but since we don't have all of them, I don't want to steal the term specific to bpd, I'll just call them a "special person" instead. This type of bond with someone could easily be mistaken for love, or close friendship, but it's not normal to depend on someone's words and moods this much. In fact, it's awful to be thrown into agony over just one person not texting you or not showing interest in you at all times. The pain of being neglected by them can make you suicidal, it feels impossible to survive without the attention, and that is horrible to go thru.

I researched this to find out why it was happening, and how it could be specific to traumatized children, and basically it's an attachment disorder. As a child, if you are emotionally abandoned by your parents, meaning your first, fundamental bond with human beings doesn't work out, your survival instincts will demand to try to create another equally strong bond and make it work this time. Having this "special person" is like being connected to humanity thru them, they're your last chance at recovering your normalcy and bonding with other human beings.

One of the reasons this can end up bad is, you will often choose someone who is somewhat alike your parents in some manner - since you're trying to re-establish the bond you lost with parent(s), you will logically pick the next similar thing. They just might be older, but they could also be narcissistic or controlling or toxic to you, and you won’t be able to pick up on it, as long as you're getting attention that makes you want to be alive. Being neglected or abandoned by them will trigger the original abandonment from parents, and it will feel like hell each and every time. You feel like your life depends on sorting things out with them.

I don't know if a lot of you are dealing with this, but if you are, this is not a callout post, it's not here to make you feel bad. What you're going thru is out of your control, you cannot choose who your special person will be, or how strongly you will be bonded to them, and hurt by the lack of contact. You should know you're not alone and there's other people dealing with this, and at least there's someone to relate with and find understanding in this painful mess.

#favourite person #cptsd #attachment disorder #emotional abandonment #fear of abandonment #personal bonds #abandoned child #emotionally abandoned child #special person #ptsd #long term abuse #child abuse #abuse symptoms #trauma symptoms

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barricadebops · 4 years

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As I'm about 99.9% positive you would agree, I will never understand why people say that Enjolras isn't a good friend or wouldn't be a good boyfriend. Like I get that the revolution and his work was important to him (I personally believe that he would balance his friends and work to the best of his ability), but you cannot tell me that he wouldn't drop everything, including his work, at a moment's notice if a friend needed him. This is something that I believe wholeheartedly, and someone would have to pry this head canon/belief/whatever you want to call it out of my cold dead fingers.

Yes, I of course agree with this 100%. I really don't understand why people would say that either, it is just not him! The thing about Enjolras is that he cares so much, enough to the point where it was what got him killed. Some may argue that he cares more for his cause than for people, and I would say that is because they are viewing the cause and people as two different concepts, when, in reality, they are actually one and the same! Because Enjolras' cause is the people and that includes all people—the common man Feuilly, his (probably previously) wealthy friend Combeferre, and even the man who on several occasions has let him down, disappointed him, and given him all the reason not to trust him, Grantaire. If his cause is the people, how could he ever feel cold towards the people who matter most to him?

I think the idea a vast amount of people have that Enjolras doesn't love comes from the fact that canonically Enjolras does not experience romantic love, and frankly, this sort of thinking is rather dangerous, because it erases the fact that love comes in so many more forms than just romance. Enjolras is filled with an incredible amount of love—love for his friends, love for the people around him, and love for the future, and every one of those aspects links back to the love he feels for those who surround him. It is the love for the people he would encounter everyday while walking on the streets, it is the love for the people he would meet when he would go to buy his bread, it is the love for the friends who would look to him as their beloved friend and leader—it is his love for these people that he launches an entire rebellion— and subsequently dies for it, too. His ideals are defined by the motto of France—liberty, equality, and fraternity—but these ideals are driven by his greatest ideal of all, the one he hold key above others: love, and he makes his value of the ideal abundantly evident in his speech following the execution of Le Cabuc when he says:

"This is a bad moment to mention the word 'love.' I mention it anyway, and I glorify it. Love, the future belongs to you... In the future there will be no killing, the earth will be radiant, the human race will love." (5.12.8.)

From this, it is quite clear that Enjolras does not just experience love, but feels one of the highest and most greatest forms of it, so the characterization that he knows not of the feeling of love is quite unfounded.

He absolutely does love his friends to death. The one time we see him ready to forsake his ideals is when rather than keep the valuable spy Javert, who holds information about the rebels at the barricades, he is willing to hold an exchange so that they may bring back Jehan Prouvaire.

"'Yes,' replied Enjolras. 'But not as much as by Jean Prouvaire's life.'" (5.14.5)

He also sees so much good in his friends, he believes in them wholeheartedly, and for Enjolras, his belief is his expression of love.

"He composed, in his own mind, with Combeferre’s philosophical and penetrating eloquence, Feuilly’s cosmopolitan enthusiasm, Courfeyrac’s dash, Bahorel’s smile, Jean Prouvaire’s melancholy, Joly’s science, Bossuet’s sarcasms, a sort of electric spark which took fire nearly everywhere at once." (5.1.6.)

I've always loved this passage because it allows us to glimpse into Enjolras' mind and see how he truly thinks of his friends, and the way he sees them is incredibly sweet. He sees these people as his brothers who are capable of amazing feats, who are just as passionate as he is, and will be the ones to help him fight for the future. The love he holds for them is incredible, and though we get to see inside of Enjolras' head so little, this passage here is quite enough to inform the reader of just how much Enjolras draws joy from his friends.

In terms of the canonicity of the brick, I have always seen Enjolras' final moment as him realizing and accepting Grantaire's love for him (I would also argue that this moment is also when Grantaire himself, having not known exactly what it was he felt for Enjolras, also realized what exactly he felt for him), but dying with him only as a friend, but the fact that he smiles, and that it is him who extends his hand towards Grantaire says a lot about how strong his platonic love for his friends is. And of course, once again it is not just for his friends; far too many people see Enjolras as a man willing to sacrifice whoever and whatever in order to accomplish his goals, but his words once he discovers that Paris has abandoned their barricade say otherwise. When the rebels stubbornly insist that they all remain, no doubt fantasizing of dying "heroic martyr deaths," rather than encourage them, he instead essentially chides them by reminding them that:

"Vain-glory is wasteful[,]" (5.1.14)

so to paint him as merciless holds no merit. I feel as if this image comes from the quote:

"Enjolras was a charming young man capable of being terrible." (4.4.1.)

While yes, it is very capable for Enjolras to turn ruthless, the key word in that sentence is capable. The word that preceeds it, the one that follows after the definite word was, is the word charming, and the fact that charming is put before terrible holds great significance. Enjolras' first instinct, what comes to him naturally, is to do good, to be good, to be charming. He can be terrible, yes, but he must put his mind into doing so, whereas being a good person comes to him without thinking. Many tend to ignore the first part of the sentence in favour of the second, and they twist it to mean that his first instinct is to do bad instead of good, which really does not define his character at all.

Perhaps the biggest contributor to the misinterpretation of Enjolras' character is the way people have read his dynamic with Grantaire, and the way the lines between canon and fanon Grantaire have been so thoroughly blurred that it has ended up distorting Enjolras' image while erasing major parts of Grantaire's character that makes him the character and to a greater extent, metaphorical representation he is. I will not lie; I write fanfiction, and the version of Grantaire that I write into my stories is most definitely his fanon image; in other words, he is a vastly improved version. But it is incredibly important to acknowledge the way the two concepts deviate from each other, or you'll end up with a situation in which the character you have in mind isn't really the original character itself. It's okay for people to have different perceptions! Everyone understand literature differently, and that's the beauty of the arts! I think it's totally cool that everyone believes in characters in different ways! But for me, it really bothers me the way the fandom tends to paint Grantaire as a saint while portraying Enjolras as a character who always seems to know less than Grantaire, always is on a lower platform than Grantaire, and is always harsh and unjust towards Grantaire, because it simply is not true. A lot about Grantaire is ignored in terms of the canonicity of the brick. For example, it is true that Grantaire is, in fact, ugly, and he's described that way for a specific element of the narrative that Victor Hugo is writing in (@lilys-hazel-eyes is writing a great analysis on morality represented by beauty, which is exactly the point here—you should definitely go check it out!) In the brick, Victor Hugo describes Grantaire's cynicsm to be the "dry-rot of intellect" (4.4.1.) Hugo's stance on nihilism and cynicism is made quite evident in the way he portrays Grantaire, a character meant to represent the physical manifestation of cynicism (some say that he's the physical embodiment of Paris itself and I think that's a really neat reading on that!)

"A rover, a gambler, a libertine, often drunk... Grantaire, with insidious doubt creeping through him, loved to watch faith soar in Enjolras... his soft, yielding, disclocated, sickly, shapeless ideas..." (4.4.1.)

From these descriptions, it is quite clear what sort of opinion Victor Hugo holds of cynics, which is why Grantaire's characterization is so deliberate. He is trying to make a commentary here about the harm those who do not hold passion or belief can do, to both themselves and society. It is why Grantaire's redeeming moment is the one in which he finally comes to accept the hope of the revolution and proves through action his belief in Enjolras.

In terms of what is presented in the brick, Grantaire does not exactly have much to really defend him. Often drunk, he expends his energy into drunk rambles rather than meaningful meeting contributions, (though admittedly, he does say some rather valid and eloquent things within his rambles—the quote "Take away 'Cotton is King,' what remains of America?" [4.4.4] comes to mind) he deliberately pokes and bothers people as seen when he calls Enjolras "heartless," (5.1.6) and when given a task, does not hold up his end of the deal and ger it done despite having asked for it in the first place. Enjolras' doubt in him is actually entirely understandable; after all, what has Grantaire really done to prove himself trustworthy and reliable? When Enjolras asks if "[he is] good for anything" (5.1.6) the question is, likely in his eyes, genuine rather than insulting. And even when he has every reason not to, Enjolras still puts his faith into Grantaire to get something of extreme importance done for him, which I do think says a lot about Enjolras' willingness to believe in the best in people.

Victor Hugo ends the chapter right before we can see Enjolras' reaction to Grantaire's failure, and while this part, I will say, is up for interpretation, personally I have always extrapolated that the most emotion this would draw from him is disappointment—though it is disappointment that he definitely thinks he should have seen coming, rather than imagining him as getting insanely mad at Grantaire.

Their next interaction is during the rebellion itself, during which Enjolras is put under quite a bit of stress and Grantaire's behaviour really is not helping matters, so him snapping is actually very believable, if a little harsh.

The Enjolras seen in fanon, derived from these interactions, always seems so harsh, so rash when he speaks to Grantaire and therefore is characterized as rash and reckless in general, and generally seems to not understand emotion very well, which is very unlike him. Rather than harsh, I would say that with the exception of course of the rebellion at the barricade and the lead up to that time, Enjolras actually seems to be quite calm.

"All held their peace, and Enjolras bowed his head." (4.4.5.)

Rather than instantly explode at Marius for his rather awful beliefs of Napoleon, instead, Enjolras keeps calm and silent, which demonstrates what an incredible depth of patience he has. And as for Enjolras not understanding emotion, when it comes to fanworks, I'm generally tolerant of people holding different perceptions for different characters, but of all perceptions, this one is one I cannot begin to comprehend, and this is one that I will say that to say he knows not of emotion is to have wrongly read his character.

"And a tear trickled slowly down Enjolras' marble cheek." (5.1.8.)

I simply cannot allow myself to believe that the man who cried at the prospect of having to shoot the artillerman, who calls him his "brother," who is no doubt thinking that had circumstances been different, the action he would be taking would not be necessary—I do not believe this is a man who would not understand feelings and emotions.

The Grantaire in the book who has "the dry rot of intellect," (4.4.1) only ever makes unnecessary rants during meetings, and is very much untrustworthy, is a far outcry from the Grantaire who bases his cyncism on being what he would say is being "well informed," often makes valid points in meetings, and proves himself reliable. Similarly, the Enjolras that is thoughful, as he proves himself to be in his "Outlook from the Top of the Barricade" speech, still chooses to believe in the best in others despite being given every reason not to, and is actually quite patient, is very different from his rash and reckless, short tempered, seems-to-hate-Grantaire, fanon counterpart.

Of course, if you take characters who are shaped by their surroundings and circumstances in the nineteenth century and adapt them to fit the scene of the twenty-first century, it's obvious things are going to change! However, I think it's important to keep these key traits in mind when doing so, and more often than not, it is these key traits that end up getting mangled. When one sticks to these traits, it's easy to say Enjolras would be a wondeful friend/boyfriend (if you see him as having one.) Enjolras' whole deal is loving and caring immensely, and to put his absolute one hundred percent effort into everything he does, and that includes into his friendships and relationships.

Once again, I'm not bashing on the fandom here, I'm part of it. I'll repeat again, I too write with the fanon image of Grantaire in my head. Everyone takes away different things from literature, and that's fine! This is simply how I have interpreted it.

One more note on Enjolras.

Les Amis de l'ABC absolutely love Enjolras. The way Enjolras' character has been misinterpreted has ended up having an effect on the way the Amis are looked at as well. The Amis are all so passionate about the revolution, they attend meetings because they truly do believe in the change they can create in their world, so I'll never truly understand the characterization of the Amis as laughing at Enjolras' devotion to the cause, or finding his passion for it stupid or bothersome. Victor Hugo himself describes just how passionate of a group they are:

"All these young men who differed so greatly, and who, on the whole can only be discussed seriously, held the same religion: Progress... The most giddy of them became solemn when they pronounced that date: '89... the pure blood of principle ran in their veins. They attached themselves, without immediate shades, to incorruptible right and absolute duty." (4.4.1.)

Everyone here, with the exception of Grantaire, is here because they believe wholeheartedly in the revolution. This is not something Enjolras forced upon them, this is not something they groan when thinking about, it is something they all believe in so passionately. It is not something they make fun of him for.

"Affiliated and initiated, they sketched out the ideal underground." (4.4.1.)

They are all here by choice, by will, and by the values they hold close to their heart, and so to say Enjolras is someone who constantly whines about his cause and the others think he needs to lighten up is both an insult to him and the rest. Furthermore, the Amis really love Enjolras, and not just as their leader, but as a beloved friend, and as strongly as I believe Enjolras would drop all of his work to help any of the Amis when they are in need, I believe the Amis would do the same for him. The unity of Les Amis de l'ABC says a lot about the kind of charismatic leader Enjolras is, and his friends most definitely adore him.

So yeah, anon, I 100% agree, and rest assured, if they try and take this canon fact away, they'll have to pry it from both our sets of our cold dead fingers.

#les miserables #enjolras #les amis de l'abc #enjolras talk #character analysis #les miserables meta #woah this turned out to be long #I'm so sorry anon you just wanted to express your feelings and I just...went off #I couldn't help it I had been meaning to write up a defence on Enjolras for a while and the opportunity just presented itself #GRANTAIRE STANS BEFORE YOU COME FOR MY BLOOD PLEASE LISTEN TO ME I DON'T HATE GRANTAIRE #This is simply my interpretation of things if you don't agree feel free to ignore it #I fear the Grantaire stans #also I am by no means an expert I'm a teenager not a literature prof or anything so like this might not all be right #so like sorry if it's not completely accurate #this is my interpretation of it #please don't attack me I'm sensitive

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eldritch-elrics · 3 years

Note

For the ask: MXY

How I feel about this character

i love him so much. mo xuanyu is one of my absolute favorite character archetypes - the vessel. not important as an individual, only important for how his body can be used to store another soul. it’s just a special level of tragedy and....... wow.

plus! just! there’s so much more interesting stuff about him! his demonic cultivation - the fact he was able to actually pull off a sacrifice summon! his hunger for revenge! the way his narrative is twisted by everyone around him! how he fits into the theme of untold stories! and more..

hey also fun fact! the character for the “xuan” in his name, 玄, is used in the first chapter of the daode jing to talk about...... god i don’t know if i can explain it but it’s like the origin/merging of the concept of namelessness/unity (dao) + the concept of naming/deconstruction and there’s this line about crossing the threshold of that blackness and getting beyond dualisms and that kind of reminds me of mxy’s disappearance from the narrative and WELL ACTUALLY this is just gonna become me ranting incoherently about daoism if i get into that so i will not. 玄 is probably a common character used in all sorts of contexts and i’m just making a big deal out of it because i’ve read the daode jing too many god damn times

All the people I ship romantically with this character

there are, unfortunately, no healthy relationship prospects for mo xuanyu. i do think he gets a couple unrequited (or semi-requited) crushes - most notably on xue yang and nie huaisang. those are super interesting ships to explore (i’m planning to write a mxy/xy fic!) with lots of depth and lots of fucked-up-ness. another headcanon i have is that he fantasizes about wei wuxian lmao (but doesn’t really feel anything about him)

My non-romantic OTP for this character

mxy & nhs as caring-but-secretly-manipulative platonic/mentor-student relationship is my jam. there’s sooo much potential oh man

jgy!!! i think mxy cared so much about jgy. and then of course it’s all shattered. in an ideal world mxy would be closer with all his siblings - i also wonder what his relationship with qin su might’ve been if they’d been allowed to be proper siblings!

super interested in aus where mxy somehow survives/comes back and is able to meet wwx. like maybe an au where mxy’s spirit lives on in wwx’s brain? LOVE that shit. body sharing is one of my favorite tropes

i’m also interested in the concept of him meeting wn while wn’s still locked in the jin dungeon...

i had an au concept where he meets xxc too but that one was kind of weird and complicated

My unpopular opinion about this character

so we all know that mo xuanyu is extremely traumatized. i think he was also very neurodivergent even before he was traumatized, though, which 1. contributed to his reputation of “insanity,” 2. made it easier for people to pin blame on him for things he didn’t do, and 3. made him very easy to misinterpret/misunderstand. so, something like him harassing qin su? he wasn’t trying to harass her, but it came off that way because i think he has issues with boundaries (which i’ve talked about before) and communication. then of course someone like jgy took advantage of that and used it to kick out mxy. knowing that no one would believe him if he told the truth: see “bad at communication.”

...which is basically to say that i don’t think his breakdown after getting kicked out of jinlintai was the start of his issues; i think he was always neurodivergent in some sense and everyone around him was just horrible at dealing with that

also, i don’t think the way he responded to his trauma was pretty! even though he is the ultimate victim i can definitely imagine him lashing out and hurting people even before the sacrifice summon. he really needs some therapy

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

i wish he’d been remembered more. i wish wwx had tried to get to the bottom of who mxy really was. i wish he hadn’t just been pushed aside and forgotten. i want him to have friends! i want him to be loved! i want people to try and understand him rather than use him for their own gains!

on the other hand, his narrative absence is so powerful

THIS GOT REALLY LONG! thank you!!

#mdzs #mxy #mo xuanyu #my post #ask meme #analysis #lady-in-the-lair #asks

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loosesodamarble · 3 years

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Hm, how do you feel about soulmates 🤔🥰?

Hello lovely Lyra~! It's a pleasure to have you in my inbox!

So, soulmates.

Personally, I don’t think soulmates exist but I do like the appeal of them.

I mean, the idea that there is someone is destined for you is a nice idea. That there is someone who completes you, out there in the world. Even if you haven't met yet, the knowledge that they at least exist in some capacity is comforting. As someone who hasn't had the best luck with romantic endeavors, it's sometimes nice to fantasize about living in a universe where, if I truly want to be someone, there will be a person out there. Maybe they're waiting to be found or maybe they're already looking for me.

I will also admit to looking at soulmate AU ideas (because there's a lot out there.) They vary quite a bit and can range from comical to saddening. I think my top two favorites are having the first words of your soulmates written somewhere on your body (mostly for the comedic potential and how it applies to one specific ship) and being colorblind to the color of your soulmate's eyes until you meet them (I can't even explain it, I just like it). I know there's a post out there that's compiled a whole list of soulmate AU concepts. I should find it again and reblog it...

Soulmates are a very sentimental and romanticized idea. They make my heart soft. But I can also understand that it's an unrealistic ideal. Even if I'm not behind it 100%, I do end up wishfully thinking now and again.

Also, soulmates outside of a romantic context are interesting too. I mean, consider the thought that, with a soulmate, you're guaranteed someone who will be present your life through thick and thin. In an ever changing world, having a constant is comforting.

Perhaps they will be your closest friend. Even if family or romantic partners aren't around, you'll have a companion to support you. Or maybe they will be a rival for better or worse and with them, you're always working hard to improve and not lose to them.

Put simply, I like the idea of soulmates.

Thank you for the ask, Lyra! Always good to hear from you!

#questions from the ask box #soda asides #lyranova #lyra of the future #friends

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uwua3 · 4 years

Text

are you in love?

🌻🎨 miyoshi kazunari

summary: it’s selfish, he knows that, but kazunari doesn’t know who he is out of love

warnings: heartbreak, desparation, self–hatred, mental illness (depression), fear, toxic relationships, alcohol

author’s note: this is extremely personal(?) and i knew i had to write about it or else the concept would eat away at me until i did TT i couldn’t write about anything else so this stayed. it’s shorter than what i usually write, so i apologize! this is not kazunari x reader, this is more so a personal piece on kazu’s loveless life and how it plays into his mental heath

i chose kazunari for this because of his one true purpose of being a people–pleaser. i relate to kazunari in the sense he doesn’t feel valid unless he’s loved and needed by friends, so this is my interpretation of his perception on love. please know, i love you so much. you are loved by this author and you are valued, noticed, and seen. i love you, please do not feel alone, i believe in you! i am here for you anytime, my messages are always open ♡

word count: 1,347

music: still with you – bts (jungkook)

Are you in love?

Always, Kazunari would respond. There was never a moment where his heart wasn’t tattooed with another unworthy name, the letters inked with the flower petals he’d grow in his lungs, hopelessly pining after someone he knew would never be with him. Kazunari fell in love with those he knew were unattainable in a way he couldn’t help but long for. They would never love him back in this lifetime, he knew that, but he couldn’t help it! He was in love, wasn’t that enough?

Kazunari had his heart on his sleeve for anyone to take and break anytime they pleased. All it took was a single compliment, maybe a meaningless romantic gesture as well, and Kazunari was yours. A smile for him made his heart flutter. His heart’s angel wings beat against his ribcage and feathers fell to the ground. A lingering hug made the butterflies crash around his caged stomach. His energy felt like a sugar rush from how sweet love was. A text, a conversation, a casual meet up, a stare, anything was capable of having Kazunari daydream about you for weeks on end. His potential soulmate, someone he was fated to love!

Everyone had a soulmate, Kazunari believed wholeheartedly. To think that a person was born into this world with a red string looped around their future’s pinky. Or whenever you walked past them for the first time, a bell rung inside each of your heads and caused you to look back. Kazunari believed in almost every soulmate myth, brushing his hands over his features after learning his face was supposed to resemble the person he loved the most in his last lifetime. He loved himself in that moment, but it’s one of the few he doesn’t particularly care for.

Kazunari also liked dotting his i’s with minature hearts, practiced cursive just like all those romance classics advised him to. Signed every single letter of his with the complimentary closing, “Love, Kazunari”, knowing he meant it every single time. Kissed each envelope even if he wasn’t wearing bright red lipstick just to imagine their fingers passing over the faint shape of his lips. It was the feeling of knowing he was in love and his purpose was to love endlessly, it was the role he was born to play.

This meant Kazunari was in love with everyone. Anyone could steal his heart and sign their name like it was a yearbook, anyone could occupy his mind all the time and make him fantasize about a wonderful future together. It was all he knew; Kazunari only knew how to love, love, love. He was born to love as much as possible, that was his purpose.

It was the feeling—the feeling that he was meant for something. That Kazunari was born to love, to be made of love, to give love and never receive. Kazunari had never been out of love, he was constantly hitting himself with cupid’s arrow and gaining another forced scar in the process. To write all those heartfelt foolish love letters no one read, to create the most perfect playlist curated with songs that represented who they were at their best, to doodle their name with hearts all around it with a lovesick smile, wasn’t that love?

Why wasn’t it enough?

Why didn’t anyone love him back? Where was his soulmate? Was he really, unlovable? Kazunari always had lovey dovey smile on his face, the split image of another Valentine’s Day. Did they not like the romance that came with him saying “I love you” too soon? What was wrong with wanting to fake date just for a little bit; nothing could go wrong from that! Why did platonically holding hands and random, intimate skin contact suddenly become inappropiate and “too much”? Kazunari did everything right to be the best boyfriend possible, the type you’d post on social media about how he would do anything for you. But, when it came down to it, maybe it was him. Maybe, he was the problem.

Could no one ever truly love him? Did he not have a soulmate, was he destined to be loveless? Kazunari was in love with everybody but himself, and that was his crucial downfall. He’d let anyone who pretended to be nice to him do anything they wanted, use him senseless until he was nothing but a shell. He would gladly hurt himself in the process as long as you knew he loved you with his whole heart, everything he did came from his need to love. It all connected to love, it was the root of all his problems, having such a big heart that had enough space to take anyone in.

Relationships were everything to him, Kazunari couldn’t stay single for long before someone took advantage of his relentless charm and obvious desperation. Although they never lasted long or sometimes never even happened after being led on, Kazunari documented each one in his diary every night. Most times, he would gush about how romantic the date was and his feelings of being a lovesick puppy. Other times, he’d find his words smudged with the uncontrollable sobs he’d try to hold in as he struggled to write prettily on the creased paper. Kazunari would deny that he’s never had a happy, healthy relationship in his life, but it was the truth he couldn’t see with his rose vision.

After all, all red flags look like regular flags when you’re wearing pink heart–shaped rose–tinted glasses!

Kazunari closed the door behind him softly, hitting his head against the surface with a thud as he slid down, landing on the ground with a tired sigh. Another unfortunately unsuccessful break–up; at least it was in person this time, and not over DMs like always. His pink blazer and heart–printed vest suddenly felt extremely tight, as he ran his hand through his hair only to knock over the heart–shaped sunglasses upon his head.

The room was dark, it was late, he supposed. He couldn’t remember who he kissed that night after relying on alcohol to make him feel alive, he barely registered their invasive grip on him or the empty promises and manipulative lies. At least he had enough sense in him to go home, to avoid anything that would make the wound of his last love even worse. Kazunari blinked away the tears as he pulled out his phone, scrolling through previous texts with a sad smile. All he could see were stickers he spammed, and their one–word responses if he was lucky.

Of course it was him who did everything, again. Kazunari pushed himself up, wobbling on his feet as he unsteadily made way to his desk. His clumsy hands tipped over cups of art supplies, cursing underneath his breath as his blurry vision tried to find what he was looking for. Got it! Kazunari scraped his chair against the floor as he fell onto his seat loudly, pulling his lamp string to cast a yellow haze over the diary. Another one for the records, Kazunari hurriedly spilled his heart onto the pages as he relived his most recent break–up.

It wouldn’t be long before he found himself on those dating apps again, flirting away effortlessly and becoming the ideal type he knew the other person was attracted to. He’d take selfies that made him look perfect, filter and FaceTune alike. Updated his socials with a “new me!” attitude to gain more attention. Someone would catch his heart again and Kazunari would crush over them with every heart emoji ever. It was a habit he couldn’t handle anymore, it was out of his control.

It sounded wrong, Kazunari knew that, but he didn’t feel real if he wasn’t in love. Kazunari didn’t know who he was outside of the love he had for others, and as he swiped right for anyone, he didn’t want to find out.

Are you in love?

Kazunari caught himself in the mirror the next day, staring at his blank reflection as he looked away witn an indescribable expression.

Yes, just not with himself.

#miyoshi kazunari #kazunari miyoshi #a3! act! addict! actors!#a3!#act! addict! actors!#a3! actor training game #a3! one shots #act! addict! actors! one shots #mankai a3!#mankai company #a3! kazunari #a3 kazunari

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famedroleplayarchive · 3 years

Photo

NAM CHUNHWA, better known as BOM, is the MAIN VOCAL AND LEAD DANCER of LUCID under DIMENSIONS ENTERTAINMENT. She was born on NOVEMBER 9, 1997. She looks a little like YOO JIMIN (KARINA) OF AESPA.

CHARACTER INFORMATION

faceclaim: Yoo Jimin (Karina), member of aespa

legal name: Nam Chunhwa

stage name: Bom

pronouns: She/Her

birth date: November 9, 1997

hometown: Busan, South Korea

position: Main vocal & lead dancer of Lucid

claims: None

BIOGRAPHY

triggers: death, car accident

Nam Chunhwa is born at the height of Argentinian spring, which is exactly what has her parents naming her Chun Hwa, spring flower. From day one, she’s a fussy baby, crying more often than not and driving her parents crazy. A complete contrast to her sister, Chunhui, who’s born four years later, also in spring, who’s all smiles and easy laughter from the moment she leaves the maternity ward. Their parents adore them both and even with the age difference, they are fast friends. Chunhwa has very little recollections of those days but when she’s there, happiness is a given.

Chunhwa is seven when the phone rings in the middle of the night. Old enough to understand, she leaves her room to find her grandmother answering it. She remembers her parents leaving for a date night, remembers her grandmother coming over to look after her and Chunhui while they are out, and, more than anything, she remembers the ear piercing scream her grandmother lets out at whatever the other person in the phone call tells her.

(She learns what it was eventually, but it takes a couple of weeks for her to drill the information out of her family. It’s one of her cousins who explains to Chunhwa how her parents passed, how there was an armed robbery, how the person didn’t hesitate to press the trigger not once, but four times on each of her parents. Her grandmother yells at her cousin for telling Chunhwa about it, but she believes she’s better off knowing.)

Both Chunhwa and Chunhui move in with their grandmother, but less than two months after the funeral they are being shipped off to a new country. Chunhwa heard the argument her grandmother had over the phone as well, which concluded on both her grandmothers agreeing that it would be better for her and Chunhui to be raised somewhere else. Chunhwa doesn’t want to go. She throws a tantrum in the house, another in the car, and an extra one in the airport for good measure, but it’s all in vain as their aunt drags them both into the plane. When they arrive in Busan, South Korea, her aunt sticks around for a couple of days to help Chunhwa and Chunhui get settled, but then she’s also gone, and any proper reminder of their life in Argentina is also gone with her.

II.

Chunhwa makes her grandparents’ lives difficult from the moment she moves in. She goes through phases. First, she will throw tantrums about any and everything. She will refuse to eat what they expect her to, refuse to go to bed, refuse to wear the right clothes. She will misbehave in school, will act as if she doesn’t understand Korean, will get punished over and over again and none of that is enough to make her stop. That is, until her grandparents no longer show any reaction to her actions.

That’s when Chunhwa shuts down. For weeks, she won’t say a word to anyone but Chunhui. The school suggests her grandparents look into getting her some professional help and they dismiss it as her acting up. Things only improve when her grandmother arranges for Chunhwa to start ballet classes at the dance studio she runs. She argues Chunhwa is too old to be starting but that she can maybe learn how to behave if she does.

Chunhwa loves it. Not only ballet, but every other class she’s allowed to take. It’s like a switch is flipped ‒ she goes from dismissive of any and everything to completely enthusiastic about all the dance classes. Whatever time isn’t spent in school, Chunhwa spends it at the studio, even if it’s just so she can watch other classes she’s not yet old enough to join.

She turns out to be much better at it than her grandmother expected her to be. By the time she’s a pre-teen, Chunhwa is participating in dance competitions all across the country and winning them as well. A future as a dancer is pretty much the only thing she can think about doing.

III.

Chunhwa’s relationship with her grandmother never improves. A tipping point is when her grandmother decides to sell the studio in Busan and move to Seoul to run another studio there. She claims it’s a better city, more attractive for people looking into the arts, and although Chunhwa knows that’s true, she’s fifteen and honestly believes her life is perfect as it is, without her grandmother having to ruin it like this.

To make matters worse, Chunhwa and Chunhui get into a car accident one day when their uncle is driving them to school. It’s nothing extremely serious. Chunhui gets out of it completely unscathed, but Chunhwa breaks her leg in three different spots and the recovery time means she’s not allowed to dance at all for six months. Chunhwa blames her grandmother for it, claiming if they had never moved to Seoul, this would’ve never happened. In response, her grandmother forbids her from going to the dance studio at all, even to watch classes, until she’s fully recovered.

At one point, the boredom gets to her. Her grandmother tells Chunhwa to use this opportunity to put in more effort into school, but instead she spends more time at the music school where Chunhwa takes piano classes. It sounds like too much effort to start learning a completely new instrument, but Chunhwa starts taking vocal lessons to fill in her schedule.

She enjoys it enough that she sticks around after her leg gets better, even if it means sacrificing one of the many dance classes she would take in a week. Chunhwa also joins the school choir and when she graduates middle school and enrolls in SOPA, she decides that she spends enough time at the dance studio not to need to go down the dance route in school. Instead, she chooses the music track, which allows for her to further practice her singing.

IV.

Chunhwa is scouted for Dimensions in her graduation showcase. She’s given a solo stage, and it’s enough for the scouts to offer her an opportunity to audition for the company. Chunhwa’s plans originally were to either join a dance company and perform as a dancer for idol groups or to take a normal university route, but Chunhui talks her into auditioning, claiming that Chunhwa is the one between the two of them that should be going into the entertainment business.

She’s reluctant but relents, and she gets into Dimensions in early 2016. Almost immediately, Chunhwa wants to quit. It’s not about the treatment as a trainee ‒ she has an ex-ballet dancer for a grandmother, the trainers would have to try harder to faze her ‒, so much as about how obvious it is the company expects her to get along with the other trainees so she can debut with them. In a group, not as a soloist. In her mind, Chunhwa is convinced she’s enough of a good singer and dancer to debut completely solo, and it’s what she expects.

Instead, she’s put in a group. By the time it’s announced they are debuting as a group, Chunhwa can’t back down and she realizes she also doesn’t want to. It’s not the ideal scenario, but she wouldn’t have joined the company in the first place if she didn’t have some desire to become an idol.

When their debut gets scrapped, Chunhwa comes close to a complete tantrum. She’s not supposed to throw them anymore, not as an adult and she knows it, but she’s never grown out of the habit of wanting to yell at people when things don’t go the way she expected them to. Chunhwa had already settled for what she had considered was beneath her, and she refused to experience this once more.

Sticking around is fueled by the one thing worse than her stubbornness ‒ spite. Bitterness pushes her forward, pushes her into improving even further in the months between the scraping of their debut and the announcement of the new lineup. She thinks another member is unnecessary and it means sharing the spotlight with yet another person, someone she’s not at all used to or necessarily likes, but the decision is out of her hands and she eventually accepts it.

When they debut, Chunhwa is given a stage name. Bom. Spring, just like her name. Dimensions expect her to offer an innocent but charming image. Think Nation’s First Love, is what her manager tells her when Chunhwa asks what the fuck does that mean, the company just thinks with your looks you need to play up your charming side. Chunhwa doesn’t have the heart to tell her there’s very little charming about her.

Chunhwa is ambivalent about Lucid’s concept. From day one, she thinks it’s interesting that they are offering something different with the rock concept, but when it’s not taken well at all by the overall public, she’s neither surprised nor too bothered by it. A complete contrast to her reaction when their more innocent concept is immediately eaten up by the public. Chunhwa can’t help feeling uncomfortable by the outfits they have to wear, the way men will talk about them in public forums, and the knowledge that all of them see Lucid as pieces of meat for them to fantasize about.

Things do not improve for her when years go by after their debut and Dimensions puts no effort into pushing her solo career at all. Not for music, not for brand ambassadorships, not for acting, nothing. At this point Chunhwa is convinced Dimensions sees her as a filler member, in spite of being the group’s main vocalist, and the lack of perspective often causes her to be more lazy on stage than she knows she should be. If fans have noticed, they are yet to comment, but Chunhwa knows that her attitude is bound to get her in trouble eventually. She’s just at a point where she can no longer bring herself to care.

#fmdfollow #dimensionsentertainment #lucid

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