#so I'm stuck in a position where whatever I do I'm gonna feel like shit in some way or another and I fucking hate it

[thethingything]

accidentally slept at the wrong time yet again because our back pain got really bad and we needed to lay down because of it.

I'm trying so hard to fix our sleep schedule and it's not working and as usual sleeping at the wrong time is fucking me up and making it way harder to cope with everything else

[findafight]

On the one-sided harringrove post- I feel it becomes infinitely funnier with bi steve. He likes men, just not Billy. Never Billy.

Oh yeah. When Billy fiiiirst comes to school with his music blaring Steve is head over heels for Nancy, so he might register that the guy with the Camaro and loud music has a good ass, but then billy opens his mouth and Steve is like "oh, no ass can make up for that personality." And continues with his life.

Just. Okay I like to project just a liiiiittle on Steve with him just. Not realizing his attraction to men isn't a straight thing. Like. Of course all straight people feel that way, you just kinda ignore it or don't do anything about it. So Steve is half way between being comfortable in his sexuality and being closeted to himself because buddy used Hawkeye Pierce as the blueprint of straightness.

So Billy is out here, wallowing in self hatred and internalized homophobia, hating Steve and wanting Steve and hating that he wants Steve and wishing Steve would pay attention to him enough for a hate fuck he can cry about later, and it's all very angsty. All the while Steve is just actually completely fine with thinking a dude is hot he's just got standards that include "not racist" "doesn't try to beat up kids" "hasn't made me blackout from head trauma"

Wait. Oh no. I feel an au coming on. Shit. Au where post S2 Robin hears piano coming from the band room after hours and is her curious self going "I must see who is this mysterious genius" and it's Steve. They get to talking and hanging out and all of a sudden Robin thinks they are actually good friends. Best friends. Somehow.

Cue them going to a band party together. Someone spikes their drinks with waayyyy more than they were expecting so they are blasted. Robin has to go pee but does not want to go alone so she drags Steve into the bathroom with her and makes him face away. He's like haha Woah you really had to pee. And she goes shut upppp and washes her hands but sits across from him. Steve smiles at her and gives her his speech about how amazing she is and how glad he is to be her friend (it is like March '85 so he is still not ready to get back out into dating yet). Robin tells him about Tammy. They sing. Someone slams the door open and kicks them out of the bathroom because there's a fuckin line.

They lay on the grass outside and look at the sky. Steve like. Caaaaasually mentions once having thought he was gonna marry Tommy when he was six and then realizing you just didn't do anything about those feelings and Robin's gotta shoot up going WHAT!! WHAAAT? Because it sounded like Steve coming out to her? Right after?? She came out to him??

And Steve is like yeah. Like you don't really have to? Easier to ignore it and flirt with girls who I like or think are hot. And poor Robin's brain is melting she's like please Steve I'm really drunk are you telling me you sometimes want to kiss boys? And he's like yes, obviously, everyone does. Just like everyone also wants to sometimes kiss girls. Except lesbians I guess who only want to kiss girls? And gay guys only want to kiss guy? Yeah that makes sense and straight people don't care but go for the opposite ya know?

Robin is like NO!! And calms down some and says "okay I'm telling you this because you are my friend and you just told me almost the same thing. Steve. I like girls and only like girls. That not a straight thing"

"yeah. You've said."

"but I am ninety nine percent positive that just because you like girls doesn't mean you're straight because you also like boys."

"what"

"yeah dude, I do not think this is a heterosexual experience you're describing. I'm not an expert but. Yeah.

"oh. Huh."

"yep."

"I definitely thought it was."

"your brain is so weird I'm still kind of obsessed with you."

"haha. Honestly I'm kind of obsessed with you. This is wild."

"well. At least I know you're stuck with me."

"ohhh nooooo whatever will I do with my best friend always around..."

ANYWAYS THE ACTUAL POINT OF THIS is not in fact the stobin. It's actually that

Sometime probably in may, when Steve is ready to be on the dating scene again, he gets with Eddie. Robin is happy for him but also so mad because he went from "probably shouldn't act gay even tho everyone feels a little gay sometimes" to "hey Robin what would you say if I said I got a boyfriend?" In less than two months. How does he have straight AND gay game. That's not fair.

Steddie getting together is a non event. Eddie is still like ewww sports and yet somehow he made out with Steve Harrington and the next day Steve asked if he wanted to get milkshakes and throw rocks into the quarry to see the splashes. Eddie must restrain himself from thinking it's a date because he knows it's not but it'd also be the perfect date (Eddie is a simple man)

At the end of the night steve kissed his cheek and says "I had a really great time..."

Eddie just blurted "hey do you want to be my boyfriend?"

To which Steve perks up like "yes! I'd like that!"

And Eddie didn't actually think he'd get that far so he was like "neat!! See you tomorrow!" before slamming the door in Steve's face.

So they're dating and Eddie disparages sports but Steve is like haha aw you don't like watching me play? Which is sooo mean to Eddie because obviously?? He likes?? Watching his boyfriend??? Run around in tiny shorts and sometimes shirtless?? He has to reevaluate some things he supposes.

All while this is happening Billy is still on his Greatest Homoerotic Rivals shtick with Steve. Eddie notices and is like to dude...what is with Billy? And Steve just sighs. Says Billy is weird and obsessed with him and glares all the time. It's a whole thing. Billy is pissed because what is Steve, his epic rival, doing hanging around some random band geek, his sister's bitchass friends, and maybe the local dealer.

Alright. Grad happens. Yay Steve! Poor Eddie. They go to some party , hang out with people, sell some drugs, etc. Billy is unfortunately also at this party, and is like. Lazer eyes boring into Steve's back. Very annoying. At some point, he sees Steve slip away and is like this is my chance so he follows him.

Howmever he comes across Steve, his epic and totally heterosexual rival, making out with Eddie the freak Munson.

And listen this is a scary thing to be caught inna town like Hawkins, but that's not the point of this post.

So Billy goes "what the hell?"

They turn around. Billy is still spluttering.

"what are you-why would you-- with him?!" He says.

Steve raises his eyebrows, alllll cocky confidence. He smirks a bit. Drawls. "Well, yeah. I like cock, billy. Just not yours."

Because the point of this post is that Steve is a bitch.

Thank you.

[prince-liest]

I'm OBSESSED with the way you portray asexual relationships--first alastor and vox, now alastor and mimsy! I was wondering, what are your thoughts on alastor and lucifer? can you see them in anything close to a committed relationship, and if so, how would it look like? -✨

Thank you so much!!! What good timing for you to have sent this ask, hahaha. This time yesterday I would not have had much to say, but, uh, I started writing the Alastor and Lucifer scene I planned for the Mimzy fic and accidentally became obsessed. If motivation lasts, I want to do a fucked up little qp multichapter fic with them.

I think my take on radioapple specifically is that they have a very interesting flavor of antagonism where Alastor is resentful both of Lucifer's power and his potential to usurp Alastor's position in Charlie's life (not as a father figure but as the person she goes to for help with the hotel), while Lucifer is, like, overall a pretty decent person at baseline but is getting driven up a wall of pettiness by Alastor's pinpoint accurate cold reads of his insecurities and subsequent trolling.

And even though they're the perfect people to make each other feel insecure, none of it can escalate into genuine violence. Not only because Alastor would get his shit absolutely rocked (I'm not entirely convinced this would stop him) but because the crux of their competition is Charlie, not their ability to potentially beat the shit out of one another, so they're stuck in this hilarious cycle of passive-aggressiveness and psychological warfare.

However, again: like Charlie, Lucifer is a fairly decent person at heart. He's not inclined to be sympathetic to Alastor when he's being an asshole, but he's also not the kind of person who would leave him if, say, he found out that he has a massive, gaping chest wound from a holy weapon. Meanwhile Alastor isn't inclined to be particularly grateful for any services rendered, but he is maybe more likely to think, huh, if I thought Charlie was manipulatable... well, she clearly gets it from somewhere!

And I think that's just the funniest start to a developing relationship, haha. I think they'd end up way more platonic than whatever the hell radiostatic have going on, but damn if I'm not gonna manage to write them co-napping at least once. I admittedly also just really want to write Alastor doing shit to low-key sabotage Lucifer's wellbeing in petty ways and then swooping in to rescue him from the very issues he caused. What's a little gaslighting, sleep deprivation, and psychological torture as a basis for a relationship, hmmm?

I think that if they ended up in anything describable as "committed," it would be committment through Charlie and through the hotel, through which they eventually end up in a weird little not-romantic not-platonic not-loving not-hateful definitely-overly-invested something, rather than because they actively pursued one another. Pavlovian-ass basis for a relationship.

[dr-spectre]

man i saw your last two posts and i wanted to tell you, you're not cringe, and you're not unlovable

i've had like, one full conversation with you going back and forth on both shared and unshared interests and it had a profound effect on me at the time

I need to unlearn shame, i need to be more open with what i fixate on and what i'm doing (and also the realization i'm definitely on some kind of spectrum), from one chat with someone *loud and proud* like you, how fucking crazy is that?

I hardly know you personally, but it's not hard to gauge how awesome you are, in face of your perceived faults, several of which i share myself, you yap so much but you're so genuine and passionate i and pretty much everyone who sticks here loves to read it, it never gets old, it never gets annoying

you put your whole pussy into innocuous little things about the subject matter, and it's a wonderful thing

you can find friends, you can find love, and you deserve both of those things

this is a little long but it's sentiments i've had for awhile now but no good opportunity to share......

I.... I..... WHA.

WHAT DO I EVEN SAY TO THIS?!?!?! YOU CAN'T DROP THIS IN MY INBOX LIKE THAT!!!

LISTEN... ITS JUST.... I aint awesome!!! Im some 20 year old autistic dude who's too obsessed with a squid woman! How's that awesome!!?!?!? I haven't made an impact on anything... not on the community... not on inkipedia... not on anyone... I have 300 followers... that's nothing...

...or have i?!?! There's no way I could have had an impact on someone... hell even SEVERAL PEOPLE! I just overanalyse stuff that seems so cut and dry but... people are actually positive about my stuff? People say to me that I changed the way they see this important character to me.... BUT THERE'S NO WAY RIGHT?!?!? I still feel like a drop in the ocean. Just a spec of dust!!! I haven't made real change yet... OR HAVE I?! I DON'T KNOW!!! WAAAHHHH!!!

Maybe.... maybe if I have changed one person's perspective, then maybe it was worth it in the first place...

You know. I wanna say that the reason I came to tumblr was because my irl friends aren't into Splatoon and my family gives me a meh shoulder shrug to my interest. It was so difficult for me to explain Splatoon to my parents when Splatoon 3 came out and I picked up the game at launch! So I went here because I felt like it was the best place to express myself. And yeah I'm glad I stuck with it honestly.

I get why my irl friends aren't into Splatoon, they need to buy a multi hundred dollar console that's about to get replaced soon just to play 2 games. And trying to explain to them Nintendo Wii U and Switch emulation is just... I dont even wanna attempt that HAHAHAHA!!!! So I often felt lonely and it felt like I was screaming into a void when talking about Splatoon to them in a discord server. I guess that's where my sense of loneliness comes from.....

I genuinely have NO ONE in real life to talk to about my interests and have someone ACTUALLY listen. I guess that's why I feel cringe and not cool at all. My interests are so nerdy and I'm on the spectrum, my social skills are like D tier. I genuinely cannot talk about myself, i really cant. Its why i have never been in a romantic relationship before.... As a 20 year old dude, that shit fucking stings I'm not even gonna lie. I think about that shit every day. LITERALLY EVERY DAY I'M NOT LYING!!!!

But anyways, I'm getting way too personal on the internet. I don't wanna be some sad sap.

Thank you. Seriously, thank you. I'm not sure if I truly feel like I deserve love but. Thank you anyways. I guess it is a good quality to have that I can ramble and yap and become really focused on something, even if it's not adult things like... getting a job, paying taxes or whatever HAHAHAHA!

[fandomfluffandfuck]

https://www.tumblr.com/hiwitch/76340626481

just want to preface that i am overcome with horny thots abt seb getting his teeth checked out, fingers getting all over that lil snaggletooth he has, pulling out his plump lip that seb likes to bite when he's self-conscious abt them... just wanna shove some digits in there, keep his mouth open and drooling y'know? 🥵

[Link] to a gif of a guy standing there, having his teeth/gums examined by someone else. You can't see the other person, just their hand and forearm coming into the gif.

I 👏🏻 love 👏🏻 this 👏🏻 idea 👏🏻

Suddenly, I am struck with an AU idea... Chris' dad is a dentist, yeah? Sebastian has an oral fixation, yes? Sebastian's had his teeth fixed... you see where I'm going with this, huh?

I'm not taking requests right now, but I couldn't help myself... 👀

Sebastian moves to a new area, his old dentist retires, his usual denist doesn't specialize in teeth aesthetics (straightening, whitening, etc.), or whatever you want to imagine happens happens. But, either way, Sebastian is in need of a new dentist. So. Enter Chris Evans.

Dentist Chris Evans.

The most fucking handsome man Sebastian has ever fucking seen. Let alone the most handsome dentist he's ever laid eyes on. It makes Sebastian's appointment the best, worst experience of his life. The dental hygienist was lovely, lively, and happy; talking to him as if their hands weren't in his mouth and he could actually respond. The usual in a positive way. But this...

This man standing in front of him is not the usual.

He knocks on the separating wall between this little dental area and the next, asking the hygienist, "you ready for me?"

They hum, "yup, just one second," finishing up.

And Sebastian gets exactly half a second to panic before the dentist--Chris, the hottest man he's ever seen in his life--sits down on the stool the hygienist was just sitting in. Close enough to touch. Jesus. He's gonna touch him.

God.

Not like that.

But--

In his dreams.

Sebastian tries to hide his shiver, je can't entirely. But, either way, if he notices or not, Chris is just as friendly and lively, maybe even more so, introducing himself as "Chris" rather than "Mr. Evans" or "doctor of dentistry Evans" or anything reasonable. Just his first name. It's a good name. He's so fucking handsome that Sebastian is happy he can't gurgle out any sort of response, as excused by his hands in his mouth.

His... very, very large hands.

Thick fingers.

Long fingers.

Wide palms.

Biiiig hands.

Big but gentle as he examines his mouth and the hygienist's work.

Sebastian can't open his mouth wide enough, and Chris' hands are too large for his tongue not to rest against some part of his hand as the exam stretches on. Sebastian feels strangely embarrassed about it. He doesn't want to--

He does want to lick his hand.

But he shouldn't be!

It's harassment!

He shouldn't be licking his new fucking dentist's hands!

Sebastian is shaken out of his gay panic by Chris' equally handsome voice, "you bite your lips a lot?" He searches through the little tray of tools at his side. Rustling around.

"Uh," Sebastian flounders, "yes? How did you--should I, should I not? Am I being," he coughs, "doing. Am I doing something b--" Seb cuts himself off before he says 'bad.' He. No. He doesn't need to think about being bad or good right now. Not right now when he's on his back, and he couldn't possibly hide--

No.

Especially not in these pants.

Shit.

"Your lips are very red," Chris explains, shrugging one shoulder and finally selecting another little tool.

"Oh." Sebastian swears he sees the dentist's blue eyes dark down to his lips, getting stuck there, and swallowing thickly. Seb has to restrain from biting his bottom lip again now. "Okay?"

"Try not to," Chris teases, drumming his fingers against his shoulder. Friendly. "You wouldn't wanna hurt yourself."

Sebastian feels himself flush hot. He's being friendly. It's endearing. This is a good, happy atmosphere. Any undertone in his smooth, deep voice is a projection from Sebastian.

This is his job.

This is his job, Sebastian reminds himself. His propensity for handsome men, big and tall, and their commanding voices and imposing looks and slipping their fingers (and other things) in his mouth should not be brought into this place of professionalism.

Fuck.

"Open for me?" Chris interrupts his thoughts again. Good fucking thing.

Thoughtlessly, Sebastian obeys.

"Hm..." Chris' eyebrows pull together behind the frames of his glasses, "a little wider." He waits for Sebastian to obey listen. "Good. Thank you."

Sebastian burns hotter.

He closes his eyes for a blink but ends up someonewhere else. He's not laid back on a dentist's chair. He's laid back on a bed with his head hanging off the edge of the mattress, mouth open for inspecting, possessive fingers testing his gag reflex and admiring his pink, wet tongue and the velvet-soft insides of his cheeks before sliding his cock in. In his mouth. Down his throat. Choking him. Making him cry.

Fuck.

Sebastian tries to swallow the excess saliva suddenly pooling in his mouth with his mouth wide open, Chris' hand still in his mouth. He chokes. Chris backs off and pats his shoulder, dimly telling him to take his time and apologizing while Seb turns redder and redder and boils alive in his heated embarrassment.

Once his coughing fit is over from his actual drool going down the wrong pipe, Chris tells him, "you have really nice teeth, by the way. Can I ask why you're here interested in straightening. That was it, right? Sorry, I only briefly got to look over your chart."

"Uh, it's okay. Th-thanks," Sebastian is apparently not going to stop blushing any time soon. "They're crooked, though."

Chris shrugs, "nothing wrong with crooked teeth unless they're causing you pain." He looks around conspiratorial, when he finds that the dentail hygienist has made themself scarce, he whispers, "I'm not supposed to say it, but I happen to think crooked teeth are cute."

Is--

Is he being hit on?

Sebastian nearly squeaks as he says, "really!?"

"Yeah," Chris offers easily, "they've got character."

They look at each other for a moment. Sebastian is... captivated. He's so goddamn attractive.

"Yours aren't hurting you, right?"

He totally is hitting on him. He has to be! Yours as in your cute crooked teeth! Right!?

"No?" Sebastian should know he's not hurting because of his teeth, but he can't help but cower wonderfully under his authority. So, it comes out as a question.

"That's great!" Chris says, "oo, what's the story then?"

"I, uh," Seb stutters, "I'm on camera a lot."

Chris raises an eyebrow, a mischievous look in his eyes, "camera, huh?"

Sebastian covers his face with his hand, he's blushing so hard that he's melting in this fucking dentist chair. This is how he dies. "I'm an actor," he clarifies. Or. No. That makes it worse. "Not that kind of actor," he says in a rush.

Chris laughs with him, pleasant. "Well," he shrugs, "you never know with the characters we get around here."

There's an undertone with how his gaze lingers on Sebastian... like maybe Chris thinks he has the looks of someone who's on camera in that way. That kind of actor. A porn actor. Sebastian is flustered but not really because flustered is an understatement.

"So," Chris goes back to his examination, "actor, huh?" Sebastian struggles to make any sort of affirmative sound. He's struggling to breathe. He's struggling not to take the familiar sensations of fingers in his mouth and suck. Chris is so handsome, and he keeps touching him. Right now, he's dragging his fingertips over Sebastian's gums under his top lip, "I assume you'll be interested in whiting, too? Not that you need it."

Sebastian barely nods.

"Actor..." Chris murmurs to himself, "I'd ask you what I've maybe seen you in, but I don't think I've seen you in anything. I don't want a ton of TV or movies and--"

Sebastian must imagine the feeling because he, he swears he can feel Chris stroke his index finger down the inside of his cheek.

Oh, God.

"I would've remembered a face like yours."

Oh. God.

Sebastian is absolutely hallucinating sensations. Chris did not--he did not press two fingers down in the flat of his tongue.

Unless--

Sebastian makes a mortifying, mortifying sound. A little whimper.

"I think..." Chris pulls his fingers from his mouth, a string of saliva connecting Sebastian to the blue latex over his thick fingers. He removes them with a sharp snap, snap, exposing his veined, wide hands with just the appropriate amount of hair. How is there an appropriate amount of body hair?

What?

"I think the plan for you will be to come back in and see my colleague so he can set you up with invisalign and a few whiting sessions. Nothing major."

"Y-your colleague?" Sebastian stutters, he should sit up, but he's not--

He feels like he's spinning. He's maybe, maybe not hallucinating being hit on. So--

"Yeah. I," is it his imagination, or is Chris blushing? "I would rather not see you professionally again--"

Professionally?

"--Because, and I'm sorry if this is presumptuous, but I would rather see you somewhere more casual, maybe a coffee shop? Maybe dinner?"

"Um," Sebastian thought he was blushing before, it doesn't hold a candle to whatever the fuck redness must be staining his cheeks now, "anything?"

Chris grins, wide, "perfect."

Sebastian can't help but match his dopey expression.

So, Sebastian goes home with the number of very, very attractive dentist and a place and time for their first date. However, he so doesn't go home and fist himself desperately, on his knees, next to his bed like he's praying before he goes to bed, mouth wide open, moaning, imagining Chris' touch slipping between his lips, fingers warm and slick but much less gentle and definitely not covering with the thin, thin barrier of latex. Seb doesn't want anything between them.

Seb wants to taste Chris on his tongue. He wants him to hold his jaw in those big, hands. He wants to know every curve and crease of his hands. He wants to feel him curl his fingers and tug on his teeth. He wants him to stroke the inside of his cheeks. To circle his lips, tugging at them. To press into his gums. To press down on his tongue. To gag him. To choke him. To make him drool. To try to make one of those huge hands fold into a fist inside his mouth, stretching his lips, forcing tears from his eyes, and making him shake with pleasure. He loves having his mouth full. And he has the feeling that Chris' hands are not the only thing that would stretch his lips, make him choke, and open his jaw wiiide.

Guh.

[system-of-a-feather]

Before I go to the gym I did want to ramble a bit on this since I usually talk about it in a very "haha ego" tone, but honestly, having very intense and strong violent fantasies and urges and a trauma-centered/functioned thirst, joy, and high in violence in a world where that isn't good or okay and there are Laws because it is a Society honestly is really annoying and sucks.

Like its easy to paint those as "owo evil psychopath" and its easy (I guess) with the radical valid uwu-ness fo the internet to write that off "uwu poor violent meow wow" but imo neither of them really are right.

Cause I'm not so stuck in my trauma that I don't realize that the world I was made for is an outlier and not representative of what it really is; and I'm not so stuck that I don't realize that following that trauma-driven need and high is only going to get me in places that my trauma would have wanted me to be in. I'm not gonna do it because I know that is "what my trauma would have wanted" and because its not going to help me; but I'm also not this innocent bun for having this either nor am I bluffing how intensely I want to go run off on them sometimes.

It sucks that something I have formed such an intense joy and positive emotional relationship to - something that brings me such fun an excitement from my childhood - is something that is both illegal, self destructive and forbidden. It's not needed anymore so the very thing I was formed to do and favorite joy in life is Not Allowed Anymore because it would be harmful to our life.

Violence, life-death crisis, and coming out on top of all of those is a childhood high of mine - arguably the majority of what I as a part remember growing up with. It's a huge part of my identity and an original large part of what brought me joy "in my childhood" and to be a functioning human out of a trauma environment and to do the best by my system and myself I've had to agree to swear off and leave all the plans I had growing up as "fantasies and ideation" and while I am MORE than willing and glad to sign up on it - that doesn't remove how much it sucks to throw a lot of the shit that brought you joy and excitement growing up and stuff that has become such a large part of your identity and life aside and start from scratch.

I'm already throwing away like 20 years of identity shaping life experiences aside to learn to live a better life for myself and my parts. I'm already exhibiting such restraint and mature growth and honestly thats why its a large reason about why I am so loudly honest about those fantasies and feelings.

If I am not allowed to act on it and I have to forfeit what was my childhood happiness and joy - then the very least I should be allowed to do is be honest and free to talk about them.

If anyone wants to tell me that I can't say that shit or I have to hide it or whatever, they are officially asking too much from me and I think they're overstepping boundaries because I am ALREADY doing a lot to be an acceptable human being and to recover. If someone wants me to still do that and hide and pretend to be better than I am, then I often just feel like I should jsut throw out ALL that Ive been giving up and just go have fun cause people will keep asking for more than I naturally can provide. Of course, even when I feel like that, I still can't and won't cause I owe it to my system more than I owe it to myself and more than I find myself annoyed and pissed with the boundary being crossed - and instead I tend to just block and remove said person from my life but ya know.

Like yes I am intensely loud about this and it might look like Im overplaying it because no one who actually thinks and has those would be so loud and obvious about it - but thats the whole point. I'm saying it to cope with the fact I won't do it. It's an alternative.

But anyways, I digress.

Evil Alter Rights matter too, man. Evil Alter Rights matter too. /mostly joking

-XIV

[xxonceuponafuckxx]

👀🍑🌹🏳️‍🌈🌈💘😔😋🌸👌👅💋3️⃣😡🤑👗💦🔥🤗🍆☠️🛏️🍸😘😉😰 ((“Sexy Time Headcanons” list again. For Billy. This is the last one, ‘cause he’s the last muse I’ve interacted with as a main muse in a thread with you.))

Sexy Headcanon Meme!

👀 - What do they look for in a sexual partner? Billy is looking for someone who is genuinely kind, but also someone who will take control. Because he literally cannot be in charge.

🍑 - Top/Bottom. Do they have a preference? Billy is likely a switch more than anything. Because he'd do whatever made the other person happy.

🌹 - Dom/Sub. Do they have a preference? He's 100% a sub. He doesn't really want to admit it because it makes him feel like less of a villain, but he's a sub.

🏳️‍🌈 - What is their sexuality and romantic alignment? I really wanna call Billy straight. I really do. But, he's gotta be at least bi-curious. For romantic alignment, probably panromantic with a preference toward gyneromantic (female-presenting partners). I also wanna call him some form of demisexual because he doesn't jump into bed.

🌈 - Sexual fantasies? He just wants to be loved.

💘 - Kinks? Not super sure on his kinks. But, I know that touch is definitely a big thing for him.

😔 - Any sexual fantasies/kinks they’re ashamed of? He hasn't really explored enough to know.

😝 - Are they loud/vocal, or do they stay quiet? He is a mix of the two. He is loud as hell because he's enthusiastic, but he doesn't want to bother anyone so he tries to be quiet.

😋 - Spit or swallow? Swallow. So sure about it.

🌸 - Do they have an aftercare routine? Absolutely. It's extensive. Lotions, water, snacks.

👌 - Favourite position? Missionary. He's a virgin.

👅 - Oral sex. Do they prefer giving or receiving? Giving. He doesn't want to inconvenience anyone.

💋 - Do they prefer casual sex or relationship sex? Relationship sex. He can be convinced to do casual, but he is gonna follow you around like you're in a relationship.

3️⃣ - Pick 2 characters to join them in a threeway, and explain why you picked these two. Honestly either Hammer and Penny or Penny and Moist. So, either hate/jealousy or love/friendship. Not sure which is more interesting.

😡 - Are they into hate sex? If yes, name another character they might have hate sex with. I wouldn't say into it... But, would he kiss Hammer if it happened during an argument? 100%

🤑 - Would they hire a sex worker? Would they do sex work themselves? Probably not. Maybe though? Billy respects sex workers, but he honestly is too nervous to know what he's doing. He'd probably talk to them, honestly.

👗 - Clothes off or on during sex? Billy definitely wants his clothes on. He's super anxious to expose his body.

💦 - Any traits or physical attributes that really turn them on? I don't really think there's something that physically attracts him. He loves for heart. But, obviously, he is still a man... So, probably tits.

🔥 - How sexually active are they when they’re single vs. in a relationship? He is a virgin and he's never had a girlfriend, so... Yeah, this man has zero fucking rizz.

🤗 - Do they like to cuddle after sex? YES. Absolutely. He's stuck like glue after sex.

🍆 - Do they prefer rough or gentle sex? Okay... Okay. So, here's where I'm gonna not 100% answer. I feel like both. Billy loves gentle sex. He's a sensitive boy. But, he also kinda likes when someone can treat him like shit.

☠️ - Do they have any bad sexual experiences? Billy is still a virgin, so pass.

🛏️ - Do they like having sex outside of the bedroom? If yes, where? Probably not. He honestly is so anxious. He'll do it for someone, but he will be so nervous.

🍸 - Do they have any methods of courtship for getting people into bed? Billy doesn't really aim to get people into bed. Because he's so fumbling. But, I think he is all about service. He brings you things that he remembers you like, mentions things from a story you told him. He is a guy that will remember that you mentioned in a one-off that you like donkeys and bring you every donkey-themed thing he sees until you have a donkey shrine.

😘 - Are they affectionate during sex? He definitely is. I think he follows you around like a puppy after sex.

😉 - How flirty are they? He's very flirty, but it's an anxious, fumbling flirtation. He gets flustered and says dumb shit.

😰 - Is there anything sexual that they find upsetting? I don't really think so. He'll try anything.

[paperboy-pb]

Now that the prologue is done, I can't thank the fans of this series enough.

No, we haven't hit any particular follower milestone. The story has just begun. And most of you haven't given me any sort of financial support to help me out, either. (And that's alright! I haven't asked, lol.)

I'm thanking you for just being apart of the audience.

I started PB in a little blue notebook during the summer of 2015. It was originally meant for my eyes only. And a big part of the reason why was that, when I googled things like "Special Ed makes me feel bad," there wouldn't be much of anything coming up. There were Quora forums! A couple of YouTube videos. Articles here and there.

But it wasn't a lot. Not enough to help me out for long. And it only hammered the idea further into my head that I was alone in what I endured. As I got older, grew up, and away from the program and people who took my disabled youth, I constantly felt this urge to talk about it. What SpEd had put me through. What I'd lost. What I'd seen & heard. The things I did and didn't learn. Even though I was never a very open kid, let alone teenager.

I hated that no one was talking about it. And how nobody knew what happened to kids like me behind closed doors. At 13 and 14, almost none of the new friends I made had ever heard a life story like mine. And I've always found that wild: I had a LOT of friends! (Still do!)

So I kept drawing it out. Kept working on the story in notebooks, sketchbooks, my friends' DMs, and anywhere else words could go. Sometimes, my family would catch glimpses of the concept art. Sad sketches of Matthew crying, freaky drafts of Monster, or tense moments between what would become Class 7-C.

And one of my parents would be like, "Why is your art so depressing?" They'd roll their eyes. And they'd add on, "People's parents aren't gonna like it!"

No, I never told them what the story was about. I never even told them it was a children's media (because it kinda isn't! I'd personally put PB as 13+?) These were judgments made with just one glance at computer papers covered in pencil strokes; sketchy and shapey little kids who didn't look like they were having fun.

I knew they were wrong. But the audacity still pissed me off. There aren't many times where it's appropriate to boss somebody else around in how to tell their story, you know? Not only that, but I also worried about not having an audience back then. Sure, all my friends loved my work. But at the time, I was the only one who'd really experienced anything "Special Education" in life. Thus, these were General Ed kids watching it unfold. Able-bodied eyes and (as far as I knew back then) neurotypical minds, watching and learning from whatever I made.

And I liked that. But that wasn't the only group I wanted to be seen by. I wanted disabled people, especially youth in their teens and twenties, to see it. That's my primary audience. And shit like that made me wonder if I'd ever find it. Had me second-guessing myself a little, you know?

But I shook it off. It's like that thing teachers always say in class. "If you're confused or have a question, ask: whatever it is, you probably aren't the only one thinking it!"

And I searched for stuff like PAPERBOY, hadn't I? Yeah. I had. So by that logic, other people definitely would be, too.

So I stuck to my guns, and... check it! Y'all showed up!

One thing I've noticed ever since publishing part 1 is that the PB Nation is pretty damn devoted. You guys have been patient, passionate, silly, and unapologetically yourselves since the get-go. And the response to every old promotional comic or post I've made has been OVERWHELMINGLY positive and curious. I've gotten fucking fanart, man! More than once! I've had the honor of meeting a few of you in person already! And for the ones who haven't caught me out with my friends in New York, believe me, I REMEMBER who comments what.

By the way, you guys should spam my comments more. Fuckin' love that shit. SPEAK TO ME, lmao. Even if it's like, the most irrelevant PB question ever. Keyboard smash in my comment sections. Send me disability reels you like. Tell me what you wanna see from the story. Whatever, as long as it doesn't bleed into parasocial territory!

I've gotta have one of the best audiences out there. So thank you! For just... being around. Here's to hoping y'all enjoy the journey we're aboutta go on.

[rad-rat-with-a-tophat]

for @thetheatergremlin's boyf riends week

✨soulmates✨

(this particular soulmate au is where you can hear what your soulmate is listening to).

Jeremy has had his soulmate bond open for only two weeks and in that time has only listened to the 2012 Les Mis movie cast recording.

He would feel bad but he got cast as Marius in his school's production of Les Mis and it's a good fucking musical okay?!

"Ugh," Michael groaned, collapsing next to Jeremy on his bed.

Jeremy looked at Michael, who despite his face being smushed into the bed and his glasses askew, was fucking beautiful. Yeah the lighting in Jeremy's room was horrible, but Michael looked great in any lighting.

"So you know how I got my soulmate bond two weeks ago?" Michael asked.

Jeremy nodded, remembering when Jeremy called Michael at 1am to tell him that he got his soul bond. Before he could say anything though, Michael shrieked that he got his soulmate bond. And like the coward he was, Jeremy never told Michael that he got his too.

"Yeah so, they've been playing this one song over and over and it's so sad, like are they okay?" Michael said, head still buried in Jeremy's sheets.

Jeremy thought for a bit, "Do you know the song at least?"

Michael shook his dead, "No, I think it's about this guy whose friends are all dead or something. My soulmate is not okay."

"Wait," Jeremy said, trying as hard as possible to quash any inklings of hope sprouting in his chest, "Does it go like There's a grief that can't be spoken, There's a pain goes on and, Empty chars at empty tables, Now my friends are dead and gone?" Jeremy sang, having practiced every single rehearsal since rehearsals started 3 weeks ago.

Michael stared at Jeremy, eyes sparkling in awe. "First off, you are literally so good at singing, I mean I knew you had talent but damn you have got some pipes."

Jeremy blushed because of the positive attention, "Umm, I'm not really that good actually," He stated, doing whatever he could to brush off compliments.

Michael stared at Jeremy, mouth slightly open, "Well your wrong because you bet your ass you're gonna end up on Broadway with Christine, but yeah. That's the song."

Oh, oh shit,

Michael immediately sat up and took hold of Jeremy's hand. "Hey, are you okay? Is this because you haven't gotten your soulmate bond yet? You know it's random, nothing about you." He said, rubbing Jeremy's knuckles with his thumb.

Jeremy shook his dead, throat still stuck from his realization. "No," He started, taking a shaky breath, "I-I did get mine."

Michael gasped, "Jeremy that's great! When?"

Jeremy swallowed, nerves knotting up his stomach, "You know when I called you at midnight when you were just about to call me because you got your soulmate?"

Michael nodded slowly, seeming to consider something.

"Yeah well, the reason I called was because I had gotten my soulmate bond too." Jeremy finished, using the hand that Michael wasn't holding to fidget with his cardigan.

Michael's eyes widened, his hand tightening its grip on Jeremy's. "That means... We got our soulmate bonds at the same time."

"Yup," Jeremy said, popping the p.

"So..."

"I've been listening to Les Mis on repeat because that's one of my songs." Jeremy said as a reply, staring at his blank wall.

"Jeremy," Michael began, letting go of his hand, "If you don't want to be my soulmates we can just pretend we're not," He sounded close to tears.

Jeremy whipped his head towards Michael, "No, no it's not that! Not at all. It's just... my parents were soulmates you know?"

Michael took a breath, trying to gather his thoughts. "Okay, that makes sense. But, can we at least try,"

Michael was looking straight at Jeremy. Eyebrows rising in a question.

"Yeah, yeah we can try. We can do that," Jeremy said.

Michael beamed, reaching over and pulling Jeremy into a tight hug. "Fuck yeah, we can try. We can fucking do that."

[halcyandaze]

question that came to me out of the blue but were there previous versions/scrapped ideas for bonomo and nova [or oc in general]?

oH BOY so I've had bonomo for over 7 years now so uhhh I do indeed got plenty of old material of those two and how they kinda evolved and changed over all that time

so lucky for you guys, for once I'm gonna *pukes in mouth a lil* ugh, share my old art from when I was 15, oof uhhh you're welcome in advance (yes I realize some of my old followers here could have been following since I was 15 but still) also since I've had these characters for so long and tie into my own life at times I may accidentally go off on some tangents but whatever

strap in folks, this is gonna be a long post

bonomo

2015: aight so I first made this lil dude in september 2015 in a sketchbook after school. didn't think much of him at the time, just a cool character design that kinda stuck around. an ex friend of mine gave him the name bonomo (I suck at naming things) but yes humble beginnings here, literally just a little guy

early 2016: ok so at this point I got attached to the design and wanted to flesh him out more. at first he was just a lil creature with a monitor head, but I wanted to run with that retro computer kind of theme and fully embraced it by making him into a robot

mid/late 2016: alright so here is when the design really started to take shape and tighten up as you can see, from this point not much changes with bonomo as far as the design goes except for just minor art style changes from here. this is where I start building more personality, being rather positive, naive, goofy

2017: here is where I really start knowing the character well and finally get all the kinks out of the design. ended up making him very expressive, taller, softer, rounder, everything past this point is peak bonomo

2018/2019/2020/2021/2022: not much to report at this point his design is pretty much solid from here

nova

early 2016: so here I first wanted to make a simple persona/self insert kinda thing and made this rough unnamed loose design of a lil alien creature, as you can see I cannot decide on a color palette to save my life

mid/late 2016: got a name for them and started calling them nova, and I finally picked a goddamn color palette and basic outfit design about damn time. at this point they went from being just a nameless self insert persona concept to be their own character instead

2017: same with bonomo, this is where I feel like I got a good solid design for them, and all of their major design has stayed the same from here on out. I also brought back/revived some elements from their very first designs in 2016 as a design for their younger self for backstory purposes, but this is still a bit rough and I put it on the back burner to shape up their current design and story before tackling their backstory

2018: not much change here except I feel my art has gotten much better at this point lol

2019/2020: at this point I have bonomo and nova's personality, design, dynamic, and story rough ideas down pretty solid so I work more on nova's past and backstory more and have nailed down the design for their younger past self

2021/2022: both versions of nova have remained pretty much unchanged from here

early 2016: both bonomo and (at the time unnamed) nova were more of just designs than the characters we know em as today. I started drawing them together around march 2016 just because I thought "oh haha a robot and alien, sci-fi cross over time" without thinking much of it

mid/late 2016: here I find myself drawing the two together more and it's at this point I realize to myself 'oh shit I can do something with this' and started to really flesh out who they are and where they came from and wanted to turn them into full characters instead of just little doodles. here I started experimenting with lore and story ideas, many of which have changed a lot or have been scrapped completely by now. at first I imagined both of them being from space, but ended up scrapping that and having bonomo be native to earth. I also didn't have a full motive for nova to come to earth yet either, but I knew they'd both be on earth at this point just causing trouble. I also was debating making their story much more depressing and even toxic at points for the two of them, even debating having bonomo leaving nova for good at some point, but that just made me sad over time so that quickly was changed

2017: here is both when their main design elements and personality start to take proper shape. I base their personalities off of exaggerated aspects of my own, bonomo being my goofy silly naive geeky half and nova being my feral stubborn paranoid half. I have also started forming the very rough idea of nova's backstory to how they arrived on earth, why they're on earth, how bonomo and nova meet, and their basic every day lives

2018: ok so now that I have their designs, personalities, and daily lives and motivations down, I start working on their actual story and have gotten it pretty solid now (but these are all spoilers so hmm ask for more info later if y'all really want uhhhhhhh)

2019/2020: at this point my art has gone from much more simple and flat color generally to much more rendered and symbolic and distorted and psychedelic, cuz this was after I dropped out of college and was battling some nasty drug addictions at the time which quite literally changed how I see the world to a much more confusing and broken and distorted place, and my art changed to reflect that. it was at this point that I started working more on nova's backstory seriously since it ties into where their story finishes

2021/2022: my art at this point was a lot of self reflection cuz I had a lot of emotions and a lot of personal growth and a lot of change in my life at this point and phew these two were really going through it in my artwork while I figured my shit out. but here we are now!

so yeah uh that's bonomo the prototype robot and nova the ex-space criminal they live in the middle of nowhere new mexico and get up to silly shenanigans and tomfoolery :]

[stellamancer]

omg omg niku for ur trope mashup game can i request almost kiss + flirting under fire for the love of your life gooj???

ANDIE.

when i saw ur lil bird pfp i thought you'd come into my inbox to ask about the love of your life shouto todoroki AND YET YOU ARE HERE ASKING ME ABOUT THE BLUE EYED MONSTER!!!!

gojo x reader -> almost kiss + flirting under fire

the gojo hater that runs strong in my blood wants flirting to be like more akin to banter in which gojo is flirting with you and you are just like "will you please shut up and focus on the fight?"

oh. even though i'm a very big enemies to lovers kind of girlie, i think that the implication of flirting under fire is that the two people flirting are allies. so we're going with that.

though, i guess at the same time, any fight that gojo's involved in would be him curbstomping huh. so it's probably a larger scale fight. i'd say in an enclosed area though, so you can flirt. or he can flirt with you. but you know also exorcising a bunch of curses in an infested building and the whole conversation taking over the phone (complete with bluetooth- i think reader would be wearing one but mr. strongest sorcerer can get away with holding his phone up to his ear. die fucker.)

okay okay, so that's the setting there, now for the kiss. almost kiss. uhhhhh. i feel like gojo's infinity is an obstacle here. i mean obviously if reader tried to kiss him, because they most definitely would not, then it would be an almost kiss no matter what if he keeps that damn thing up. on the flip side, it could also be an almost kiss where he's leaning in and about to kiss you, and then you remember it's fucking gojo and you'd rather die than kiss him. given the established dynamic, i doubt either of them are gonna like have a celebratory almost kiss lmao.

so i guess it would be one of two ways: first, reader and gojo meet up in some big final battle arena (let's say this is a school so like a gym or a courtyard) and either:

Reader is thrown back by an attack and lands on their back and Gojo appears and he's like checking to make sure you're okay, but he's like leaning in super close and he keeps getting closer and your brain stops working and you think maybe he's gonna kiss you for whatever reason (either Gojo can tell and is doing it to tease you or he's just doing it for shits and giggles) and then another curse appears behind him and like you open your mouth to try and tell him or whatever but gojo is not letting this curse ruin his bit, so he, while maintaining eye contact, still looking like he's gonna kiss you, tosses a hand up and blasts that thing out of the sky. guts rain everywhere, but he uses infinity so you don't get sprayed in curse guts. how nice of him. probably didn't want his expensive ass clothes to get dirty. just when you think you're gonna kiss he strands up straight and cheers that everything's done and you're just stuck with a racing heart lmao.

reader is flung by the curse toward gojo and instead of letting you slam into infinity like a frisbee he turns it off and catches you, but the curse threw you with enough force to make him fall over when he catches you in his arms. you shift and notice your lips are super close and your brain slides into dumbass mode and you're thinking about how you could almost be kissing, but then the curse roars or whatever behind you and you try to jump up to go finish it off, but gojo holds u still in with one of his huge ass hands and blasts it with the other. curse is gone. you're still in position to kiss. you kinda wanna, cuz you're still kinda raring to go, but then idk you don't??? because it's gotta be an almost kiss. maybe you get a phone call that freaks you out and you jump off him and run to answer the phone.

both endings sound fun. i think lmao. so either could work.

[send me a ship and two fic tropes and i'll tell you how i'll mash 'em up]

[britneyshakespeare]

you know i'm not gonna feel bad about saying it anymore even if i want to. he's literally the biggest covert narcissist i've ever seen up close. it's shocking the way i fell for it, it makes me feel so stupid. he postures like he's a stray puppy on your doorstep in the rain; please let him into your warm, dry house and feed him. and he really, really lives in this act. i'm sure he thoroughly believes it himself. he believes all of his lies he tells himself about how innocent and unseeming he is.

when i first met him i pitied him so deeply; i thought wow, i've never seen such a sympathetic creature. he has nobody. he's helpless. well that is true. he has nobody because he can't maintain healthy boundaries with anybody. and he's helpless because he can't be helped. there is no such thing as a completely hapless victim in this world, especially not at an adult age.

don't let anyone position themselves like they're just a lost little boy in front of you. you'll excuse shit because you think it's naivety or immaturity. and it might very well be those things. i'm sure he's as ignorant and childish as he believes he is, as he fears he is deep down. but you won't come along with your compassion and your worldly wisdom and rear him up well. no, he's stuck like this. gentle encouragement doesn't work with him.

what he needs is a stiff fucking reality check, to look himself in the mirror and recognize his faults. you won't get him to do that after he's manipulated you into excusing all of them. he'll break your spirit before you break his, and his is one that needs to be broken. but it can't be. it's self-sufficient through all of the misery he inflicts onto himself. it thrives on that. the more people draw reasonable lines and tell him not to step over them, the more he'll think he's trapped by the world. when these are the same lines everybody else lives through.

once you find yourself in a situation where someone makes you feel guilty for doing anything without them or saying no to them, go johnny go. go go. you are past the point where you can expect them to respect a boundary. but that's the hardest point to recognize it, when you feel like you've helped them so much but still not enough. you still have hope that your kindness will do anything for them. it won't. and this is a lost message on anybody who needs to hear it in the moment, because they've already been manipulated not to see their situation for what it is. but it's an awe-striking realization to have in retrospect. and it feels like there's no catharsis, because for all the work you put into helping (which eventually becomes fixing) that person, nothing was actually done.

beware of the sympathy vampire. someone you immediately find your heart bleeding for like never before. they know they are draining it from you, and they never plan on giving it back. never. when you come to expect the least amount of kindness reciprocated after all you've done for them, you won't get it. and that is the point you'll realize the whole relationship was never what you thought it was, and you'll have more issues than whatever it was you came to them with, expecting them to help you like you always have for them.

[golbrocklovely]

this whole post will be about sam and the tarot reading i did on him. i figured i would separate the readings into snc, sam, and then colby just bc i have so much to say.

so if you wanna know what sam's gonna be going thru and his love life… read on.

disclaimer: i understand there are ppl/fans that do tarot readings and personally don't believe that you can do a reading on someone that didn't a) agree to one or b) isn't there with you. and while i understand that, i just need everyone to know that this is just for fun. i go into with all the positivity, and this is really just for me in the end. i never claim to be right, i'm not pretending that this is the truth. this is just for entertainment purposes only. if you don't like it, feel free to not read. please take whatever i say in this post with a grain of salt.

(the other readings will be at the bottom)

please read snc's reading first bc that's where i explain the cards/deck.

for sam's reading, the first question i asked was how is he doing currently?

i find it intriguing that he's going thru a lot of physical change as showed in the cards; that aligns with him working out a lot more and really physically pushing himself. all of that is great and he seems to find solace in doing all of this. but i have an inclination that all of this physical work is just a mask for how he's truly feeling.

the first card: recognition and reward. this is about him finally getting his flowers for all of the work he's doing. i feel like while this could just mean literally (aka he's looking a lot better bc he's working out so much or him starting therapy) i think this also applies to the business side of his life. i think he's getting recognized - maybe by peers, business partners, colby - for stepping up and doing a good job. this could also be about the fans noticing him more, which is always a positive thing.

second card: mental conflict. this is not the last time this card shows up for sam. it also appears in his love life reading which makes total sense. as i've mentioned before, snc don't really express emotionally what's going on with them. and i'm not asking them to do that with fans all the time or even ever. but while you can lie to fans, you can't lie to yourself. i think interestingly neither snc like being pitied, so all of this bad shit happening to them and then having fans reach out - i think - is a bit overwhelming to them. to relate this back to sam, he's going thru it. while he might be physically moving forward, mentally he's stuck. there's a lot going on in his head, and he's not entirely sure how to take the next steps.

third card: fulfillment of wishes. this is a really good card, and it's even better bc it's about emotionally feeling fulfilled as well as in general life. good things are coming sam's way. he might be able to finally catch a break mentally and emotionally, which will lift a weight off of his shoulders.

fourth card: intuition. major arcana card, similar to the high priestess. this card says this is a time to rely on your intuition - take pause, be open, pay attention. now, idk if sam in his life uses his intuition all that often. he feels like the type to only use logic and just "what do i need to get done today". while all of that is fine, this might be the time for him to really hone in on his gut feelings and see life thru those eyes, rather his usual.

fifth card: positive movement forward. this card appeared in snc's reading, so it's nice to see in sam's daily life he will also be experiencing this soon. like i mentioned, this is just about good things coming into your life, and you pushing forward with the things you've wanted to do.

final card: financial and material change. this isn't a great card, but it's not the worse card. this card also appears in colby's reading as well. so i have a feeling that bc things are working well for snc, they might take some risks when it comes to their money, and it won't work out for them. i don't see it being a major loss, just a loss. so it could be a business venture not coming to fruition or something falling apart that causes them to lose money.

overall for sam, i see him in this really weird spot in his life. i think a lot about his life has changed drastically, and this is the time for him to really notice what that means. what is now gone, and how can you move on without it? good things are gonna be coming his way, but if he's too focused on what is now gone, he's not gonna appreciate all the good things. and sam has admitted to this to some degree, so it doesn't seem too far off base.

after this reading, i of course had to ask "how is sam's love life doing/going to be the rest of this year?" what's interesting is that when i asked about this, it took a while for any cards to really jump out, and i really had to dig and ask for more cards. this, to me, shows that sam has this part of himself closed off - which makes total sense. he's going thru it, and maybe doesn't want to explore this side yet. but once he does, this is what he might go thru:

first card: accelerated motion. this card is showing that things are clear for take off for sam. when relating that to his love life, it's clear that this is the time for him to work on himself. your love life is not only who you are dating, but also who you love in general. and you know who probably gets the least amount of love in sam's life? himself. i think this the sign for him to work on himself, that he will have time to really sit down and think thru everything. or will have to make time.

second card: authority. this is a major arcana card, related to the emperor card. this card also appears in colby's reading. i think what's interesting about this card is that it's about honing in your problem solving skills, becoming a leader. but the booklet also says that this can represent a father figure in your life or someone you are close to that is logical. so, i think this card, relating to sam's love life, is showing that he's going to rely on colby or maybe his dad to help him figure himself out. or at least, he might be coming to them with questions that he needs help answering when it comes to the internal shit he's experiencing.

third card: spiritual union. so, when i initially saw this card, it made me immediately think "oh this is about kat" bc this card represents emotional bonds. but i think this card is about ALL emotional bonds sam has in his life. something interesting the booklet says for this card is "relationships are mirror images of your own life". and i've never really thought about that before, but it makes total sense. sam has talked about how he wants to be a better partner, a better friend, a better coworker, a better everything. and i think this card shows that he's gonna tap into his emotional bonds and really pay attention to them, and i'll explain that further in the next card.

fourth card: mental conflict. again, this card came up for sam before. see, this is my theory so obviously idk how correct i am - while sam has definitely taken the steps to better himself and to really work on himself, i don't know how far that journey has actually been. you can say you're working on yourself but not do anything. and i think this card shows that NOW (or later this year) sam will actually sit down and really explore that side of himself. and i think he's gonna realize "holy shit, maybe i wasn't the nicest" or "oh, that was a moment i could have done better" and i think that's gonna cause a lot of mental conflict within himself. no one wants to look at the darker parts of themselves for a laundry list of reasons. but i think for sam to get better, like he claims he wants to, he's gonna have to. and he probably won't like what he finds.

fifth card: heart chakra. i very rarely get chakra cards when i use this deck, so i always find them fascinating. so when chakra cards appear, it's usually a sign that you need to center that part of yourself. that that part is out of whack and you should do something to engage in that area of your body. as the card is about your heart, it obviously applies to your relationships. but one of the main things this card can also mean is HEALING and FORGIVENESS. see, while it's easy to sometimes shit on yourself and blame yourself for everything that went wrong in a situation, you have to extend that belief to also forgiving yourself. you can't change the past, but you can forgive yourself and ask for forgiveness to help yourself move on. and i think this will happen for sam. however i think this (and the next card) are gonna take a while. maybe a couple months, maybe a year or so. it's gonna be a long journey, but it's gonna be worth it.

final card: spiritual strength. this is a great card for sam to end on. this is showing that all his hard work is gonna pay off and that now he has the right tools to heal and move forward. while all the work he put into himself was rough, it was worth it, bc now he's coming out a better and new sam.

for sam's love life, i expected it to be rough - and it definitely is. i don't see him getting a gf anytime soon (obviously) bc he has so much healing and inner work to do. it's gonna take a while for him to feel completely comfortable with himself and this side of his life. but it will be worth it in the end. i can see him really sitting down and working thru everything, and god knows there is a lot of back up that he's been putting off for a while. sam has outright said he's focused more on work than his own life and those around him, and i think this will be the time he truly realizes what that meant. how often did he ignore those that needed him? how many times was he too focused on something that in the long run didn't matter? there's a lot of unanswered things he will have to dig to find. he might reconnect with kat just to help explore that, see what went wrong. and while that will be painful and emotional, it's better to get it done than to be left up in the air. it's gonna be a struggle bus for him for a while, but it will be so good in the end.

<< snc's reading || colby's reading >>

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Saturday, April 13th, 2024!

8:19pm: Had a quick exchange with him again. Nothing has changed and I don't want to be obsessed with his socials again tbh. I still don't really get the whole "I'm so busy" thing when that was his #1 complaint with me. Like I actually don't understand, being busy is not a flex tbh. Being on your grind is 100% a flex but that goes with work hard play hard. Just saying you're busy makes you sound like an ass 😂 whatever I don't understand anything about him anymore.

I don't want to see his socials anymore because 1) it's all fake af. 2) it makes me wonder why he couldn't change for me, but in REALITY (the real world where I reside) he hasn't changed, his life got 100x easier. No rent, a more basic bitch that doesn't expect anything from him and is weird, and free weed, everyone giving him a ride everywhere (he doesn't even have to drive ever wtf), and everyone just treats him like a spoiled child. Yes..... I'm sure it IS easy to have an emergency fund when you live with your parents for free..... Wtf do you even need an emergency fund for? Wtf kind of emergency are you having, you run out of gas (omg wait he doesn't even drive so what am I talking about) scratch that.... The only emergencies I had living with my parents had to do with my car like..... Jesus I wish that was the fucking case nowadays 💀 Omg why am I even comparing the two of us. I feel like I just snapped back to reality, this guy is still acting like a high schooler. We are literally not able to be compared anymore. I really don't give myself enough credit for doing this shit on my own (really) for 6 months. Let's see your emergency savings after that, dumbass. Stfu. I'm not trying to be mean but we are not the same. I'm about to be done grinding, I've grinded for 7 yrs I'm tired AF. I'll say it again being busy is not a flex.

11:25pm: Ugh he just pisses me off because he's a fucking liar. You can reach me anytime my ass why does he keep saying that when it's not true. What a fuck up. I hate him

2:47am: Well I was on the phone with him for three hours oops probably just fucked up my karma big time. Ugh I need this semester to enddddd. Too much sitting around time, not enough leaving the house to meet new ppl time :/ likeeee I've said a million times and need to remind myself, I don't want to be the reason they break up. Also he said he's planning on moving out with her in 4 months so September? Damn they would've been together a whole year. He said it only feels like it's been a month for him and literally his stuff is still packed up in boxes like wtf. I guess that'll just make it easier to move. Well good for him he sounds like he's really on track for a good life. Idk literally whenever I ask him about her, it's never like super positive. Maybe he just likes that he constantly has something to complain about? I have no idea. He said she's clingy, but sometimes it's too much. And he always says it's ups and downs with them. He sounds like he's really changed, but he says he can't go through breaking another person's heart. Maybe he knows I'm bullshitting him. He also says he is just too embarrassed to get back together with me and have to see my family again, etc. Sounds like he's making the best out of a fucked up situation tbh. During the call, I kept calling him out whenever he would say things that were literally stringing me along, because he didn't know what I was talking about when I mentioned it. He didn't realize how much he was leading me on with the things he's saying until I very clearly pointed it out. All that stuff I texted him must've actually done something too, because it's stuck with him about disrespecting his gf.

Long story short...... I think he's actually gonna change for her if I leave him alone lol. He just gets to live with the fact that he fucked up being with me forever. Making the best of his shit situation. Tbh those antidepressants probably made a huge impact. Glad he got the help he needed. Idk man I guess he's done with me now, he seems pretty done, except for the part where he pulled his dick out again and told me he wanted to stick his dick in my mouth. But whatever.

Actually the part that hurt me the most was when he said she's been his best friend for two years like... The worst part for him was me telling him I let a guy play with my boobs over spring break and one tiny tear rolled down his cheek. Plus I ended up lying since he asked me if someone had been in our bed and I told him no because I could tell that would've really upset him. I think he would've hung up. Also couldn't tell him that yeah someone else had met the cats and pet them. I said what are you gonna do and he .... Clearly isn't going to do anything. Lame.

Longer story short: I need to stop butting in to this mess ig. Makes my stomach hurt tbh. Too much studying today made my brain go crazy. I'm really frazzled tbh. Honestly kinda pissed off all I wanted him to do was help me with the bills and now he's magically able to save $500 a week somehow. Jesus Christ wtf was he spending it on before. I'll never know. Makes me sick to my stomach actually. And it's not magic, it's what he should've been able to do all along, he just wanted to be a little bitch before.

This has stirred up a lot of emotions that I kind of hate. He can't control himself around me fucking bullshit I don't get it. So much of him sounds good but then he does something icky like that. Idk anymore. I'm tired and talking to him has actually just made things worse, not better. End of story.

[sourpeach24]

Small big rant, not gonna even put tags cause just idk where or to whom to tell this.

So I am planning to leave my home country for a year. Not my first time and I want this and I have been planning this for years now. And I feel stuck and stagnant here where I am now. Nothing in particular happens in my life since I am living in small village next to small town. I feel like I want to see, explore, experience more. I'm 26 right now. I am so scared to get old and have no nice memories. I do have traveling, studying experience and whenever I open photos from that time I smile like a dumbass. At that time there were ups and downs but overall it was my biggest plan and I did it. Anyways, now, again, I want to move abroad for a while, just travel and work.

The thing is what I am leaving behind. That keeps me awake at night. Gosh ...

My only relative that I have any connection is my grandpa. He's old, 76, and we live in that village together. Three years ago my grandma passed away. It was so traumatising, idk, when they were together it felt like anchor, I had less reasons to worry. And also there was alcoholic uncle, but we got rid off him, BUT then I got beefy with my aunt. She hates my grandpa. And prob me too.

Plus I have brother but he also losing clear mind because of alcohol. He said he's gonna burn the house where we live down and ect when that property will be mine. Whatever.

So, the problem is, that I don't wanna leave my grandpa alone. Like, I know he'll be fine, he knows how to cook, he walks, goes to do gardening and all but I hope he won't feel too lonely. I dunno. I'm just scared and anxious about it. And I feel guilt that I am leaving him but I cannot just stay here and live my days doing same basic shit in small village. Like, I gotta choose and I think he's okay with that. I think we will manage it somehow.

Anyways, still it feels bad to go away. Last time when I was abroad studying, my mom passed away, and I could not come back since I had no money to travel back and forth 70,000km. You think it's cruel for me not to go back home right away but I am poor, I don't have big incomes to travel from one country to another easily. My family wouldnt be able to help me with money too.

So yeah you see where I am going. I am scared I will lose him in the middle of everything. Anything anytime could happen BUT I HOPE everything will be fine as hell. I want him to be proud of me. But I cannot live and work in a grocery shop for the rest of my life fulfilling his way of ideals.

Nothing special, no romance, no big exiting stuff, that's the life y'all. I wish I had normal functional people in my family. But everybody here are nuts. Esther alcoholic or narcissist manipulators. I guess that's where my problems with food steps in. I try to think positively, push myself up and plan big future. I have friends that support me and I am thankful.

Being poor sucks. Having no parents sucks even more.

But let's fight for greater good. 🤞

🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

[finsterhund]

Mixed feelings today.

Groceries are terrifyingly expensive. It is now 100% indisputably cheaper to get as close as possible to a balanced diet by buying fast food than buying portions at a grocery store for one to two people without them going bad before being used. It's insane. Infuriating. Unfair. The only way to get efficient iron rich protein for a good price is fast food.

If you remember the incident where roommate had a little fit about the expensive carton of eggs? Now the cheapest eggs cost that much.

Hope is not lost though. Because I managed to find seeds for the specific species of heirloom pole beans I have positive memories cultivating as a preteen. Buying what is essentially if you do it right a yearly renewable source of a fuckton of beans was significantly cheaper than buying one serving of beans. However the problem arises in that will I be able to grow them? The issue is that my green thumb seemingly died around the same time my childhood innocence officially did. Maybe there's a magic in innocence and the love of nature. Who fucking knows. I'm jaded and miserable now. The only thing I've cultivated lately is grief and trauma. As a toddler I was growing orange and apple saplings from store bought fruits (although I suspect they may have been genetically altered to never flower) and as my childhood progressed I grew oak saplings from acorns. But long ago, ages, a lifetime ago really, back around when I first moved in with roommate I tried growing an oak sapling from an acorn again but it just moldered and died. Now maybe that was because the air quality and the lack of sun and the awful humidity but it made me very sad.

Later after that I adopted a near death Venus flytrap (who was named "Shadow" if you recall) and I successfully saved him from flowering (really big pain in the ass when it comes to flytrap husbandry) only for me to accidentally leave him behind at a friend's house who then killed him before I could bring him home. 😔 (I was between moves at the time)

But these are the special childhood beans. And they were cheap. And I got at least ten of them. And I fully intend to do as good as I can by them. I have been thinking about them beans all night. I have so many memes about beans I can post but I need to find them.

Anyways grocery shopping is horrific. I am more and more further radicalized by this inflation. There is no reason for it, don't blame some eco-friendly policy or person who's been in office for less time than it takes anything substantial to happen or whatever it's 100% companies profiting and making the consumer pay for it. Inflation harming the middle class while companies rake in record profits is not a flaw of something unless it's directly related to capitalist greed.

Also I may have irreparably broken one of my favourite (and harder to come by) music box movements. In order to repair it if so I will need to completely disassemble it and replace the governor assembly or do mild "smithing" work to the governor assembly. (Heat and hammer lol) My stupid worthless bumbling tremor hands when attempting to remove a stuck figure turning assembly accidentally bent it. Don't get me to do brain surgery lol 😔 I'm pretty saddened by that. Because I managed to find a music box mechanism for a specific music box song I like at a thrift store in the wild. Usually they play some generic shit that I don't like listening to for more than a couple minutes. But I will solve this on my own (hence why I'm not naming the song so a well-meaning friend doesn't get me another mechanism.)

Some good news though is that (before trying to buy groceries lol) I bought that special item I was saving up for. I even got it for 100 USD cheaper because I did a "best offer" with the seller. They didn't ship to Canada so I had it sent to Fishy who offered to help me out when things like that happen.

Anyways I'm thinking about them beans. Gonna spend the rest of the night trying to fix this music box mechanism. I really do not want to have to completely disassemble the parts not meant to be disassembled outside of the factory. Stress.

Beans.