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deathbyyoongx · 2 years

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everytime; chapter 2 — myg

╭ chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,...

╭ word count: 2.4k

╭ summary: Everyone knew Min Yoongi as the guy who wouldn't say no to a nice pair of tits. His cocky attitude and stunning looks made it hard for most girls to resist. And even though you would like to say you're not like the others in that aspect, you unfortunately happened to be his ex. But even though you despised his guts for the last 3 years or so, he somehow managed to find himself a way between your legs on one semi-drunk night.

╭ pairing: fuckboy!yoongi x ex!reader

╭ genre: smut, angst, bit of fluff, more smut

╭ warnings: enemies to fwb, dom!yoongi, sub!reader, jealous ex!jungkook, bestfriend!jimin, hate sex, yoongi has a degrading kink but so does yn, brat taming, hair pulling, spitting, slapping, hickeys, choking, unprotected sex (STAY SAFE GUYS!), creampie, praise kink, hand kink, possessive yoongi, sexual content ofc, mentions of drinking, ...

╭ author's note: this fic is inspired by the song everytime by ariana grande. I also recommend using the chrome extension InteractiveFics for a better reading experience ;)

I quickly reread this chapter cause it's quite late now, but I really wanted to upload, hehe. So if there are any spelling errors, I'll fix them tomorrow! The first two chapters are also quite short, but I promise the next ones will be a lot more interesting.

27/03/2022

“And, oh my god, y/n, his dick was so big!”

Unfortunately for you, the lack of customers during rush hour led your co-worker Jia to rant about how amazing Yoongi’s fucking dick was during their encounter last night.

“Yeah, Jia, was is it really that big?” You let out in a sarcastic tone as you were pinching the bridge of your nose out of annoyance.

“Not like, humongous, but just the right size, you know?”

What she didn’t know was that you could perfectly picture the size, girth and even the veins of Min Yoongi’s dick as she was describing it to you in real time. You never told her he was your ex. You didn’t even want to tell her with the way she has been acting lately. Telling you how good he was in bed and with his tongue and how much of gentleman he was. Yeah, right. She drove you nuts. And how she went on every single detail on how he made out with her made your blood boil out of jealousy.

You just didn’t seem to escape his name.

Luck was by your side when you heard the front door open with a ring. You quickly got out of your annoyed state of mind and faked a smile on your face. It quickly turned into a genuine smile though when you realised your customer was a familiar face. “Oh, hey Hobi!” You greeted almost out of relief. “The usual?”

He gave you his signature smile, making you already less irritated. “Yeah, the usual. I’m heading over to work but I wanted to quickly stop by to say hi. And for coffee of course.” He looked over to Jia, noticing her annoyed facial expression. “Of course ‘Hi’ to you to, Jia.” Turning her frown in a smile again. “Still impressed Jimin managed to convince you to come, by the way.”

It took you a second to understand what he was talking about. “Ah, yeah. His speech of encouragement was really inspiring.” You said sarcastically “But I did also think it would be fun to come out of my comfort zone for once.”

Hoseok laughed, but Jia quickly turned to you before she threw away the empty milk carton. “You didn’t tell me you were also coming to his party!” She said with a pout.

“Well, I also didn’t know you were coming.” you said in defence, noticing the lack of milk in the fridge. “There’s a milk carton in the back, could you get it please?”

Jia happily nodded, but Hobi noticed something was off. “You alright, you seem a bit…”

“Annoyed?” Your demeaner had changed, showing him how you really felt.

He smiled awkwardly “Yeah…Is she doing it again?”

You scoffed as you grabbed a new cup for Hoseok’s coffee. “The whole morning, Yoongi this, Yoongi that, she driving me insane! She’s a real sweetheart, don’t get me wrong. But her on going rants about how great his fucking dick is, is where I draw the line.”

Hoseok’s expression suddenly turned very uncomfortable. “Yeah, she also told Jimin. Then he told me and, honestly, it’s good she spared you the details for now. It’s quite disgusting to be honest.” He grabbed his wallet to pay for his drink. “Maybe you should tell he’s your ex. Maybe then, she’ll leave you alone about it.”

You scoffed “Oh, I promise, she won’t. Then she’ll want to know about all the stories of him and I.” You heard the unlocking from the backdoor “She’s back.”

“Some milk for Hobi!” She beamed before she prepared the milk for his drink. “Hope I’ll see you tomorrow then! Oh my god, we could be having so much fun!” You put on your fake smile again as you waited for her to finish up his latte macchiato. “Here you go.” She said with an endearing smile.

Hoseok smiled after he paid for his drink. “Thanks, Jia. I guess I’ll see you too tomorrow?”

“Yes, Hobi, see you!” She beamed again. He conveyed you a smile and headed out.

The rest of the day went surprisingly well. Friendly customers, not too hectic and a Jia that seemed have found another topic to talk about that wasn’t Yoongi. Which was the new girl that joined her friend group that she apparently couldn’t stand. But when the clock hit 4pm, your freedom was near. Just a bit of cleaning and some preparation for tomorrow, and you could go home. So when that time was finally dare, and you were standing besides your car, all you had to do was wave Jia a goodbye.

“Knowing you’ll be there has made me so hyped!” She said as she put on her moped helmet “Please come say hi when you see me.”

“Will do.” You smiled and waved her a last goodbye before you stepped into your car. But this time your smile was genuine. You really liked her as a person, but why, just why, did she had to be Yoongi’s casual fuckbuddy. It could’ve been anyone else in this forsaken world, but it just had to be him.

Just as you wanted to start the engine, a small beep could be heard from your back pocket.

16:38 Jin: Well…don’t be mad at him…

16:38 Jin: But Jimin told me what happened yesterday

16:38 Jin: So I just wanted to tell you I’m coming over :)

Seeing jin’s text filled your heart with warmth. Besides Jimin, Jin was one of the few people who knew how heartbroken you actually were after Yoongi. Even though they wouldn’t believe you, you just told the rest it was fine and that he could, quote, ‘suck his own fucking dick’. But Jin and Jimin were the only one to really see the ugly. The late midnight calls full of crying, telling how much you hated Yoongi for making you feel this way. But when you finally calmed down, that’s when the ‘I still love him’ came. A moment where it seemed you could forgive all the sins Yoongi had committed that period. And since Jin knew both sides of the story, all he could eventually say was ‘You two really are worth each other.’

16:39 Jin: You don’t have to do it cause you pity me

16:41 Jin: Shush! I’ll be there within an hour!

You just laughed and started driving. At least you didn’t have to cook yourself today.

When you arrived home, you quickly took off you shoes and hid all the dirty cups from the night before. It didn’t take long for Jin to arrive though, cause 10 minutes later there he was, standing at your front door. “I hope you cleaned.” He teased.

“It’s clean enough, alright.” You whined as You closed the door behind him. Jin headed straight to the kitchen while you started to set the table.

On days you were down, Jin always came over to cook for you. He knew how much you appreciated his care and, of course, his cooking. “I heard you’re going tomorrow.”

You rolled your eyes, not understanding why everyone was so surprised by the fact you were going to a party once. “Gosh, everyone acts like I’m the most boring person ever.” You complained.

Jin just laughed “I won’t be able to come, but I can’t wait to hear to stories from Jimin.” He said whilst unpacking his groceries. “Is he bringing you?” He asked, knowing Hoseok’s house wasn’t anywhere nearby you.

You placed the last plate down, laughing awkwardly, knowing how Jin will react to my answer. “No, but Jungkook will.”

A simple ‘tsk’ could be heard from his mouth. “That boy”

“What?” You asked out of curiosity.

He shook is head. “Nothing. It’s just-“ He let out a heavy sigh. “Are you okay with him being so clingy?”

You thought for a second. “I don’t know, it’s always been like that.” You placed yourself down on your couch, watching how Jin was preparing the food. “And its not like I don’t appreciate his company He’s just-“

“Hopelessly in love with you?” Jin saying those words made your heart sting a bit.

You’re intention wasn’t leading Jungkook on or anything close to that. You just wanted to be friends, like before. But considering the circumstances, your desperate attempts of making that happen didn’t see realistic anymore. “I’m already spending less time with him, but I don’t want to shut him out of my life.”

“I get that” Jin thought for a second, noticing how quiet you suddenly had become. “It’s not your fault y/n, sorry if I made you think that.” Because, you did feel like that. All the time. You didn’t treat Jungkook any different in comparison to the rest of your friend group. So it couldn’t be your fault for him still being in love with you, but you couldn’t help but think that. You already tried spending less time with him or telling him that your friendship wasn’t doing him any good. But Jungkook denied, denied and denied. ‘I can change, don’t worry about it.’ Or ‘I won’t do anything weird, I promise. I just really want us to be friends.’ Or even ‘I’ll find somebody else.’

Sizzling could be heard from Jin’s pan “It’s just, I get a bit tired of his emotional rants about you, that’s all.” He said in a more joking manner to lighten up the mood.

“Sorry about that.” You apologized, meaning it a bit too much.

“I’m just teasing y/n.”

The knocking of your front door interrupted your conversation. You gave Jin a confused look, him giving one back to you. And when you opened the door, it was no other than Kim Namjoon, your neighbour and mutual friend of Jin. “I heard Jin was here so I wanted to come and say hi.” Namjoon was the one actually that told you about this apartment. His neighbour was leaving and knowing well enough you were searching for a new place, he proposed to become next door neighbours. And since it was in your budget, next door neighbours it was. The only big con was that the walls were almost paper thin, hearing things you shouldn’t be hearing sometimes. So that’s how he knew Jin came over. “What are you making?”

“Nothing special, just some marinated meat with some rice and veggies.” Namjoon hovering over Jin’s cooking, meanwhile annoying Jin by doing that in the process. You started laughing at Namjoon’s en Jin’s little discussion, which ended with Namjoon saying “Why does everyone get so stressed when I get too close too anything?!”

After that, he placed himself down next to you, looking around, taking in the place. “I really like what you’ve done here. It’s better than that filthy wallpaper from before.” He smiled.

“Yeah, Jimin and I first started with the paint job. And when the walls were dry, we started unpacking.” You explained. “And he promised to keep helping me, so I’m quite happy actually”

The buzzing of your phone made Namjoon jump a bit, cause apparently he accidently sat on it. “Oh-” he grabbed your phone, seeing it was no other than Jungkook that had sent you a text. He looked at you with a very unsurprised expression. You sighed and hinted that he just had to put the phone away. It was getting kind of ridiculous with the amount of text Jungkook had the need to send you. And it weren’t just your regular text. It was usually about you ignoring him or asking where you were and with who. So naturally, you started to get a habit of ignoring him, like, a lot.

The usual small talk, bickering between Jin and Namjoon, and the background noise of the tv was what set the mood. It was nice having people over again. You didn’t really get the chance to see anyone since you started moving. The only person you saw regularly was Jimin.

You were slightly impressed when after a good 40 minutes, Jin had told you dinner was ready. And even though Jin just bought enough for two people, the two of you managed to share enough for Namjoon to eat as well.

When Namjoon and Jin left around 10:30pm, you decided your deserved a nice shower and an early bed time. But when you showered, finally got into bed and checked your phone for the last time, you noticed Jia had posted another story on her Instagram. You shouldn’t have clicked on it. Cause now you had to go to bed with the knowledge of Yoongi being with her at this very moment.

The feeling of jealousy creeped in your body again. And even though you called it a night and closed your eyes, your thoughts couldn’t help but recall your morning shift with Jia. Her words kept lingering in your head which left you tossing and turning in your bed. Your thoughts couldn’t help but imagine all the sinful things he would do to her. How his fingers would caress her skin just like he did with you, or how he would whisper sweet things in her ear, or worse, tell her how beautiful she looked. You groaned into your pillow out of frustration. You wanted to escape everything that had to do with his damned name, but he just seemed to follow you everywhere you go. With your friends, at work and especially in your subconsciousness. Three years ago you would be baling your eyes out by now, heck, even one year ago you would be doing that. But one day your body just grew tired of doing that, so the crying stopped, but instead got replaced with ever growing frustrations.

But when your jealousy is at it’s peek, that’s when dangerous thoughts creep into your mind. Like, should you text him? Yes? No? Tell him: ‘Yoongi, for the love of god, come over. I just need you to want me for a couple of hours to keep my sanity. Ps: don’t forget to tell Jia your coming over just to fuck me.’

You shook your head and told yourself no. You wouldn’t throw away all your self-respect to get validation of a man that doesn’t care about you anymore. This had been going on for way to long. It was time to end all of this hopelessly wondering, and that was today. You were going to promise yourself you weren’t going to cyberstalk him anymore, you weren’t going to let Jia’s words get to you anymore, and most importantly, you weren’t going to jerk of anymore at the thought of that idiot of man.

An imaginable pat on the back was given to yourself as you closed your eyes. Tomorrow was Hoseok’s house party and you were going to have the time of your life and forget all about Yoongi. You were just going to have fun with friends, that’s it.

Right?

Taglist; @flowerblu00, @brinda-9, @seokjinkismet, @sugainmybowl, @mxxxnshine

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carriagelamp · 3 years

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Weirdly enough, I often find myself reading less in the summer, since I have more time than I do during the rest of the year to do other things. Also artfight has been eating up more than a bit of my free time! But here’s a collection a graphic novels I sat around on the hammock reading, and some novels I finished up...

(Everyone go read All Systems Red, holy crow guys)

A Whale of the Wild

The “sequel” to A Wolf Called Wander, though it doesn’t actually connect to the previous novel except in the stylistic/thematic sense. A Whale of the Wild is very much a standalone novel. And a pretty decent one! Personally, I think I liked Wolf more, but this one was a pleasant, informative read, with just the right amount of crushing dread sprinkled in. It’s about a young orca called Vega who is learning to become a new wayfinder for her pod but who still has a lot to learn, especially in an ocean that is becoming increasingly hostile to orcas and the other sealife that live alongside humans. When a devastating earthquake hits, Vega and her little brother find themselves separated from their family, lost in a now horrifyingly unfamiliar environment, and fighting starvation as the salmon that sustain them become more and more unreliable. It’s a desperate fight for survival as they search for food and their missing family. This book is written for a middle grade level, and does a really good job of putting the current environmental crisis into an animal’s perspective while giving the readers something to hope for.

The Adventure Zone: The Crystal Kingdom

Every July I eagerly anticipate the next Adventure Zone graphic novel. This one is for their fourth arc, The Crystal Kingdom, in which Magnus, Taako, and Merle respond to a SOS from a floating laboratory that is gradually being consumed by crystals and which threatens the entire world should it fall into the ocean. Carey Pietsch’s art continues to be absolutely fantastic, so beautifully and hilariously expressive, and this one delivers some great Merle moments, lots of Carey Fangbattle, and, of course, Kravtiz. Kravitz, my beloved…

Anyway, I obviously always recommend these. If you’ve never gotten into The Adventure Zone, I totally recommend either trying these graphic novels — or even better, just go listen to the podcast because it really is both hilarious and creates a shockingly good and heart-wrenching story by the end.

All Systems Red

I’ve seen The Murderbot Diaries on my dash occasionally, and it always looked interesting, but a friend’s recommendation finally compelled me to read the first novella of the series. And holy shit y’all. Absolutely the best book I’ve read this month, it’s amazing. Mind-blowingly good. Also, if you’re like me and want a good audiobook, it’s a nice three-hour listen, very chill!

Anyway, All Systems Red is about a Security Unit, an artificially created being that’s part-organic part-mechanical and all-company-owned-and-controlled. However, self-named “Murderbot” has managed to hack into the system that suppresses its own will, and is now coasting along, doing the least amount of work its job requires not to be noticed, while preferring to spend all its time watching the hours and hours of soap operas it has downloaded into its brain. And it’s a tolerable if somewhat dull life, until the science team that it's currently rented to is attacked and the whole mission goes pear-shaped. Suddenly Murderbot has to scramble to keep its humans alive… while its humans scramble with the realization that their “SecUnit” isn’t actually a mindless robot like they had all believed...

This story is both gripping and hilariously funny. Murderbot has such a unique voice and perspective and it’s an absolute pleasure to follow its story. I reallly need to read the next book...

Asterix and the Banquet

A classic. I was startled when I realized I hadn’t actually read this Asterix story… but hell I’m not gonna complain, it lets me read one of the originals for the first time again! In this Asterix volume, the Indomitable Gauls and the Romans end up arranging a bet — the Romans intend to keep them under siege, trapped in their village, while Asterix is confident that he can easily evade them… and will prove it by going on a tour around all of Gaul, collecting iconic foods from each region in order to return and put on a fine banquet. So we get a fantastic adventure in which Asterix and Obelix run all over the country, pursued the whole way, while making cheerful stops at the various eateries along the way. Also the first book Dogmatix shows up in! All around, a wonderful read, fun like all the best Asterix comics are.

Beauty Pop v4

A less impressive graphic novel. The first Beauty Pop is one of my guilty pleasure manga because… it really is pretty stupid but in the best possible ways. I mean, the whole thing is framed around hairstyling battles, like a shojo sports manga without the sports. It’s bonkers. Unfortunately, the series does not really manage to hold up, and it really begins to feel repetitive and dragging as it continues… as a lot of series like this do. *shrug* Unsurprising but still kinda disappointing I suppose. The building three-way romantic tension is mildly interesting if for no other reason than the main character Does Not Notice and Does Not Care about any of it, which is amusing and refreshing.

FRNCK v5

Now this series only gets better and better as it goes. This is the first book of the second arc, and somehow the danger just seems to be ramping up and up and up. The cavefamily have lost their home… as well as Léonard and Gargouille. Heartbroken, shocked, and angry, Franck is the one who ends up shouldering the blame for their presumed deaths as the others mourn. Things only get worse when Franck finds himself separated from the family, and in the territory of another tribe, this one hostile and cannibalistic...

Haikyuu v5

I continue to read this series because it continues to be charming… though it is beginning to feel, maybe, just a little repetitive. Kind of an inevitability with sports manga. But so far it continues to be good enough to overcome that. I’m not sure what I can say about this series that I haven’t already, so I’ll simply say it continues to be one of the most impressive sports manga I’ve read, and the author does a fantastic job of creating engaging characters, fleshed out teams, and really compelling relationships. I do genuinely adore all the main members of Crows, along with a number of characters from the rival teams as well. And of course it has some kickass volleyball scenes that are just drawn so dramatically they can’t help but take your breath away a little.

M*A*S*H Goes To Maine

Meh. The original book of the series was actually quite good in my opinion. This one… considerably less so. The first part I enjoyed more, since it was about Hawkeye, Trapper, Duke, and Oliver Jones trying to set up the FinestKind Clinic and Fishmarket in Crabapple Cove (which… is just the best premise I could have ever asked for). However, the book spends most of its time describing the quirky lives and times of other people living in the area and I… just… don’t care. It was funny at times but… I just don’t care. I wanted to hear more about the main cast. Also I found this book felt more racist and misogynistic than the first which also put me off :/ Wouldn’t bother if I were you. Go read the first book instead, or better yet just watch the TV show which is an obvious banger.

My Heart’s in the Highlands

I have had this on my “currently reading” list for so long but I’m officially giving up. It’s a really good book in theory but my god I can’t get over the pacing.

It’s about Lady Jane, a woman studying medicine in Edinburgh in 1888, and who suddenly finds herself back in the Highlands in the 13th century. Lost and confused, Jane is now at the mercy Clan Donald’s hospitality while she tries to adjust to this new world and hunts for her broken time machine. Fortunately, this hospitality include a burgeoning friendship with a red-haired warrior woman, Ainslie nic Dòmhnaill, who opens Jane’s eyes to the way the world could be.

Listen. It drives me nuts. This book should be completely up my alley, it has everything I like — IT HAS ALL OF ITS HISTORICAL FOOTNOTES CITED AT THE BACK, LITTLE EXTRA DETAILS ABOUT EVERY CHAPTER. THAT’S MY SHIT RIGHT THERE. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LIKE BEING ABLE TO GO OVER HISTORICAL DETAILS?? AND WELL RESEARCHED FOOTNOTES?? And yet it doesn’t. Fucking. Work for me. It has a kickass Scottish warrior lady as a love interest! It has a badass lady doctor! It has fish-out-of-water culture shock! But it also has a completely meandering plot, no sense of building tension, and a romance that just happens out of nowhere and feels completely unearned and uninteresting.

I would genuinely just rather read Outlander again, which I know has its own host of problems, but at least Outlander felt exciting and interesting and tense and funny. The romance built in fits and starts, it was complicated, and kept me interested. That book had me hooked (and has me hooked every time I reread it) whereas this book I’ve been sadly picking at for months like its a plate of overcooked spinach. This felt like an attempt at a queer, historically accurate knockoff which I would normally be super into but which just could not stick the landing.

Moomin on the Riviera

My first time actually reading anything from the Moomin canon. I have zero idea how to feel about it! It certainly is as feral as I’ve heard described! Overall, I think I enjoyed it but it sure made me feel strange emotions I didn’t know existed. I’m not even going to try to describe it. Read it if you want a batshit insane anti-capitalist comic.

Surviving the City

This was good in some areas, less good in others. It had a very interesting indigenous perspective on life in the modern city, the foster system, and The Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women issue, which I’ve never seen handled in a book before. Something about the pacing did not completely click with me and I found myself getting easily distracted, but it’s definitely worth the read just to experience it and look at the issues it deals with through the characters’ (and author’s) eyes. It did give me a lot to think about and wrestle with, which is sometimes the best thing a book can give you.

Torchwood: Pack Animals

A really fun read, more so than I had ever expected! If you like Torchwood and want more stories about the team before everything goes to shit, this is perfect for that. It includes the entire cast, an interest mystery to be unravelled, lots of slavering monsters, Rhys being really wonderful and sweet (which I didn’t know I wanted until I read this book), and all the humour I expect from Torchwood. I had to send a lot of quotes to my long-suffering girlfriend who a) does not watch this show but b) needs to tolerate it because I find it too funny to keep to myself. It was good enough to make me go out another book of the series since this was the only one my library carried.

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emilycollins00 · 4 years

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Hey, if you want to (you don‘t have to through) could you maybe write a Muku x Reader, in which Muku‘s crush writes him a anonymous love letter but he recognizes his crush’s handwriting? But if you don’t to write it for Muku, than it can be somebody else! Like idk... Juza or Sakuya (that would have been cute too). Everybody’s just great🥺❤️ Have a great day!~ (*´꒳`*)🌸

Sorry for the delay, love. You are the sweetest thing! I don’t really mind if reader is the same age, also crushes are the cutest thing so... Muku it is! 💕

Hope you enjoy!

Title: Love letter

Pairing: Muku Sakisaka x reader

“I don’t know Yuki-kun, I’m sure Sakyo-san also wants the play to be a success. Why would he try to make it difficult?”

With school hours finally ended for the day, both middle schoolers talked as they prepared to go back to the dorm.

Yuki clicked his tongue “If he wanted the performance to be good he should at least be more lenient with the budget” he mused opening his locker, already making a mental list of the materials he would have to buy to make up for the cut he had been informed in the morning “That money grabbing yakuza… he could at least think how much work is to piece everything together”

“I-I’m sure you’ll do an amazing job! We’ll all make sure to help if it gets too much!”

“Of course I was already counting on it. I haven’t been training you all for nothing”

Muku laughed nervously at his retort.

“Muku-kun!”

His heart made a leap at the unexpected sound of your voice. Turning around, he found you running in his direction from the crowded hall.

“Y/N-san?”

Once you managed to catch up you held a hand up, asking silently for a few seconds to regain breath. Finally you lifted your head, cheeks slightly flushed from the sprint “Sorry, I wanted to give back the volume you let me before you left!”

“Ah, you shouldn’t have had to bother coming all the way!” Muku stuttered, taking the manga from your hands and holding it against his chest. He glanced at you hopeful “Um... What did you think about it?”

You clapped your hands, beaming “Oh, I couldn’t put it down! The main character was so sweet it made me want to cheer for them so much!”

Muku felt his previous tension being released. He had been the one who had recommended it after all. He smiled happily “I thought so too! T-the way the festival had…”

As always happened when he talked to you lately, Muku hoped he wasn’t blushing too much or sounded too weird. It had been a few months since you both started exchanging romance novels due to mutual interest and the more you got to know each other, the more Muku noticed he had developed quite the crush on you.

“I see you guys are leaving already. Practice?”

Muku played with the string of his schoolbag, self-consciously “W-well, spring troupe is next so we usually make street acts for the time being until Tsuzuru-san writes ours- ah, he’s the person I told you that writes such wonderful stories!”

“Oh! I hope summer comes soon then” you chuckled, making Muku’s stomach stir “I have to go now too, see you both tomorrow!” .

Once you were out of sight, Yuki glanced at the former athlete sighing with a hand placed in his chest and rolled his eyes “Why don’t you just invite them somewhere? I doubt they’d say no”

“Uh?”

“Y/N” his pointed the way you had left with his chin “You are painfully obvious, you know”

Muku waved his arms neglectingly, flushing “I-I can’t! If only I had the charismatic aura of Itaru-san or the elegance of Citron-sama b-but I don’t have any of those qualities and...!

“I keep telling you those two are the worst examples you should be trying to learn from”

He kept shaking his head stubbornly. You had become someone he truly admired for always doing their best. Your approach and attitude were so nice, so warm... The thought of dating was too much! “A-anyway, shouldn’t we hurry to get to the dorm?”

Yuki squinted his eyes, but opted to shrug it off “Sure, I need to change before going to that thrift shop by Veludo Station. Last time the worker there showed me some…”

Muku relaxed inwardly, seeing Yuki was already on work mode. As he opened the locker to change his shoes though, something white fell from inside. He crouched down to the floor to retrieve it “A letter?”

He turned it, but saw no sign anywhere, which made him tilt his head confused. Why was a letter inside…?

Something clicked in his head as he stood up, blue eyes staring at the white envelope.

It couldn’t be real. He must be daydreaming.

“Maybe I could even- Muku?”

Oh god, what if he had been transported to one of his mangas? What if he now had to overcome the plot of the story to be able to get back and…?

“Hey! Earth to Muku, geez!”

Snapping out of it, he finally focused on the annoyed green-haired in front of him “Yuki-kun…? Have you also been transported into the manga world?”

“What are you talking about” the young designer sighed, crossing his arms over his chest when he noticed the envelope “Was that inside your locker?”

“You can see it too?!”

“Of course I can idiot. You didn’t have that before”

Muku nodded to himself blinking at the letter. So he wasn’t imagining it…

“Well, aren’t you going to open it?” Yuki leaned his back on the lockers, bending curiously.

“Yuki-kun”

“Mhm”

“I-I can’t”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

“Mucchan received a WHAT?!”

“Could you say it any louder, you idiotic dog? It’s just a letter, who cares”

“Mukkun, I’m shook!” as Taichi kept crying about wanting to find love too, Kazunari jumped in completely elated “Isn’t this like the highlight of your school life mangas in real life? You def have to open it!”

Taichi’s reactions and Kazunari’s comments didn’t reach Muku, still zoning in and out of the conversation. After a long banter in school, he hadn’t had the guts to open the letter, so Yuki decided for him to take it home and give him time to process the situation.

Which is the reason he was now sitting on the couch in the middle of the lounge, surrounded.

It was true he had often dreamed of love letters. Who wouldn’t? They were so romantic! To receive a handwritten confession maybe even in poetry professing an undying love, rushing off to a midnight rendezvous with one’s true love… the mere thought made Muku swoon.

But one thing was his imagination, and another one real life, as much as he sometimes mixed both.

To think something like that actually happened to him didn’t feel real.

“I…I already told Yuki-kun this must be a mistake” he murmured fidgeting, not able to take his eyes off the yet-to-be-open envelope on the table “Who would want to write to someone who is a half-pint, small, dried-up stale beansprout like me?”

“You sure s’not a letter for a challenge, right” Juza grumbled from the other couch, throwing daggers to the letter.

“J-juza-san?!”

“Why am I not surprised that’s your first thought, Standard Gangster”

Muku lifted his head gasping with eyes wide open, scared “I-I hadn’t even think about that! What if I did something and now they are looking for revenge and…!”

“S’okay, Muku” Juza stopped him, cracking his knuckles “I’ll take care of ‘em if that’s the case”

“Whoa, whoa, hold on, dude!” Kazunari laughed nervously, placing a hand his shoulder to calm him down “Before we decide it’s something like that, how about opening it?”

“Mr. Extrovert is right for once” Yuki rested his chin on the back on his hand “You are taking too long”

As everyone watched expectantly, Muku glanced at the letter once more, swallowing with difficulty. Even just looking at it made his heartbeat go wild. He shook his head, took a deep breath, and carefully tore the edges apart.

The first thought that came to his mind was the fact that the colour of the paper was the same as his hair.

Then, the fact that his whole face was probably heating up after he read his name.

“Mucchan?”

“Just tell me who I have to beat up”

The summer troupe member lifted his head flustered, forgetting where he was “S-sorry I- it’s okay, Ju-chan! um, it’s not that type of letter!”

As he kept reading the content, Muku felt his heart ringing in his ears as well as the heat reaching and warming his cheeks. The message of the letter was definitely a confession worthy of a manga and the way he was being described… nothing could compare to what he was feeling at that moment, eyes fixed on the letter, practically glowing.

By the second read though, he noticed something weird. A somewhat familiar feeling, as if he had read this before.

He read it again. What was it?

“Let me see, let me see!” Kazunari soon moved to his side, reading with him and whistling “Mukkun whoever this is you have to find them, this is totes cute!”

He didn’t answer, still in deep thought. This handwriting… where had he…?

You.

A flashback of him looking at your notes in class and thinking how beautiful your handwriting looked crossed his mind. Muku covered his mouth from the sudden revelation.

“Muku!?”

“You okay, Mukkun?”

If he was blushing before, his face must now be a downright crimson mess.

Could it be a joke? Or was he daydreaming again? B-but that WAS your handwriting. He had caught himself so many times staring that it.

He checked once more afraid. No, it definitely was yours.

“B-but Y/N-san, they…”

“Y/N?” the surprise on Yuki’s face when he heard your name was palpable. He grabbed the letter, smiling at the end “Well, aren’t you lucky Wonder Boy”

“Who’s Y/N?”

“Ah, Muku’s crush”

“WAIT- MUKKUN’S!?”

“MUCCHAN’S?!”

“Muku, you…”

“W-wait, what if they did this as a way to test my acting? O-or to try to recreate a scene for a new manga?” his mind kept rejecting the idea “They said they wanted to see our performance, what if tomorrow they keep asking me what happened today and I can’t act naturally and then they think I was spying on them only to be told that-!

“Muku, please” Yuki rolled his eyes “As if someone like them would do this as a prank”

The young actor looked around everyone in the room insecure and then again at your letter, taking it with both hands carefully “It’s just… I’m just me” he finally whispered.

Kazunari chuckled softly, ruffling his hair.

“Well, that’s plenty for us, you know it! And judging by the letter it’s the same for them”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Next day Muku paced around the entrance of the school, waiting for you. No matter how many mangas he had read, nothing had given him the answer for how to act.

Was this how the heroines felt? His lower body was barely being able to sustain him.

“Muku-kun, you called for me?”

Okay, stay calm Muku. Y-you got this! He forced himself not to let his nerves show as you walked up “Y-yeah! Um, do you have a moment to talk?”

“Sure?” you tilted your head curiously.

He had to avert his gaze “t-The thing is, um; yesterday this was on my locker…” Muku took out the letter from his pocket, praying for a reaction.

You stared at it dumbfounded, and for the first time, Muku saw your cheeks growing slightly red. He kept talking “I… I somehow recognized your handwriting! S-so I wanted to say that I too-!”

He couldn’t finish as he watched you covering your face, which caused him to frown confused “Y-Y/N-san...?”

“Please hide me” Muku could tell your ears were bright red at this point “Sorry, this is not… it wasn’t…”

You groaned to yourself. You worked so hard to not let it show, appearing even before he saw the letter and your handwriting was what gave it away in the end…? Talk about embarrassment.

“Ugh, I’m so lame”

“It wasn’t lame! Not at all!” Muku’s heart squeezed, talking louder than he had imagined, but he wanted to make his point clear this time. Lame was the last thing that could have crossed his mind when he read it “You are so cool and the letter was beautiful!”

“I-It was…?”

He nodded although you couldn’t see him “Y/N-san” you felt his hands holding yours, taking them away from your face. Once you couldn’t hide anymore you looked up, a blushing Muku welcoming you with a warm smile.

“If you are okay with me, would... would you like to meet up sometime?”

He really looked like a prince.

_______________________________________________________________

Wishing you all a wonderful day! 💕

#a3 #a3! act! addict! actors!#act addict actors #A3! Actor Training Game #a3! muku #muku sakisaka #muku x reader #a3 muku

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quicksiluers · 3 years

Note

For the ship prompt, 30 and Grant/Julia or Grant/Sherman 'cause tourist Grant has been my headcanon ever since i read his memoirs

ok so this one....I had to stop writing at some point and I apologize for where I left it because if I didn't stop, I was never going to. I may continue this if people like it! And it's got a mix of both in there, cause you know I love them both :) But I'm thinking of going back later to add...if people like it enough, maybe lol

there should really be called "can Ali write under 1,000 word challenge?" and have me fail them all because each one has been way too long

“So they started thinking about making the part back in the 1860s because they thought of having something like New York City had with Central Park. Which, for my money, I think the Golden Gate Park is far superior. I mean, Central Park is great but this right here? It’s amazing. Does Central Park have a Japanese tea garden in it? I don’t think so. Anyway, so they really got into work on it around 1870…”

Grant nodded his head along, but his mind zoned out as he walked with the energetic redhead beside him. His enthusiasm was special, that Grant couldn’t knock him for.

Julia had planned to meet up with a friend of hers for most of the day and being the type of person not to sit around and do nothing, he had decided he would explore the city. San Francisco had always been a place he wanted to visit but never got the chance. They had already hit up a few of the more touristy parts, which while he enjoyed, didn’t really give him the feeling he was looking for from the city.

Julia told him to see if he could find a local to help him. Grant thought it odd, asking a stranger out of the blue to point him in the right direction, but he told his fiancé he would keep it in mind.

A hand grabbing his shoulder brought him out his musings, “Let me show you the Japanese tea Garden, it’s really incredible. It started as a village and a tea garden when they had the World’s Fair back in 1894. After the fair, they sold it off to the city who then hired this guy Makoto Hagiwara to take care of the garden. He was one of the main guys to be around to see it turn into what it is now and brought all kinds of Japanese animals for people to see.”

Grant hadn’t been sure what drove him to ask the redhead, Sherman?, for assistance. He had noticed him when he was crossing the street toward the park. It was hard to miss the red hair. Grant had been looking down at his map, trying to pinpoint the best spot to start when he passed the lanky stranger by. That was when he heard footsteps behind him and turned around, meeting the man’s brown eyes.

Now he found himself being pulled along the sidewalk, the ginger chatting away nonstop. How could he talk so much, so fast? The amount of information he was spewing out was dizzying.

“Hopefully the tea house isn’t too busy, it’s early enough in the morning where we should be able to get in,” Sherman explained happily, hand still gripping Grant’s shoulder. He tried to slip his way out of it but it was no use. Heat crawled onto his cheeks. Julia was the only person that was really able to pull him along like this. Their touch almost felt the same, though Sherman’s was stronger, firmer, and…

What are you even thinking?

“Hey, is the sun getting to you?” Grant felt pressure on his forehead, Sherman’s brown eyes staring down at him with concern. Unconsciously, he leaned into the touch, the cool feeling of it soothing him. His skin felt like it was on fire “You’re pretty red, do you want to sit?”

“Uh…,” Grant pulled back quickly, silently cursing to himself. Why had he done that? He coughed into his hand, trying to cover up his burning face, “N-no it’s fine, I just…”

“You’re not used to the heat,” Sherman injected, smiling proudly as if he figured it out, “Totally understandable. You said you were from Illinois right? That’s a different type of heat.”

“Sure…,” the word was drawn out, Grant nodding after a moment. That made sense, it seemed like the taller man already bought into it, “Yes, I guess that makes the most sense…”

“Well, we can get something at the tea house. Which is right over here, I think you’re really going to like it.”

Walking along the path, he tried to keep a good amount of space between them but it was too crowded for that. He felt his arm brush along the redhead’s a few times, the other man seemingly oblivious as he talked on and on about something else. At this point, Grant couldn’t keep track. Everything was too mixed up for him to focus. Why did he feel so weird? It was like butterflies in his stomach, which in itself sounded horrifying. He’d only ever felt like this around Julia and that was a whole other level. He couldn’t have…whatever was going on when he and Julia were engaged! What would she think?

All he needed was an excuse to get away from Sherman. That was it, simple as that. He’d go back to the hotel, tell Julia he hadn’t been feeling well, and just decided to hang out inside for the day. The idea of lying to her filled him with dread. He couldn’t do that, she would know in a second it was something else. Julia always had a way of knowing.

The whole situation left him confused and uncomfortable. None of it was Sherman’s fault, he was just being helpful. And he seemed concerned when he thought Grant wasn’t feeling well. It was Grant’s fault for making the whole situation seem weird.

Walking through the garden brought him a small sense of calm. The pathway was less crowded, allowing them to explore around. Sherman pointed out the different structures and described how they were built, how much time it took, and what parts of Japan they were popular from. Grant was absorbed into his descriptions, asking questions along the way that the ginger seemed to have every answer to. The uncomfortable feeling disappeared as they walked, Sherman pulling him over towards the pond and pointing out each of the fish that peacefully swam around.

“You seem like you know a lot,” Grant teased, crouching down to have a closer look at the fish. All the different colors caught his attention. He pulled out his phone, taking a quick look back at the suddenly quiet tour guide.

Sherman had been staring down at something but had turned his head quickly away. “Well, I do spend a lot of time around here,” he stuttered briefly, catching Grant’s attention. That was the first time he’d done that today, “I have a brother who brings his kids into the city a lot and they’re always asking questions.”

Taking a few photos, Grant stood back up with a small smile, “Well, that’s nice. I’m sure they love learning all about it.”

As they walked up to the tea house, Sherman talking a mile a minute again, Grant wondered what had made the redhead so quiet before. Had something caught his eye and made him shut up for a moment? That seemed out of the question.

Had he been looking at him?

What a ridiculous thought. Grant felt his cheeks heat up again, pushing away the notion.

God, why was he acting like this today? Couldn’t someone just be nice without anything behind it?

The tea house was special. They had gotten there at the perfect time, able to sit down a try out a few of the food options that Sherman liked the best. He also recommended the Sencha, which was a type of green tea that Grant particularly enjoyed. Though the weather was a bit warm, the tea brought with it a soothing sensation that he was in desperate need of.

Making a note of coming back, Grant pulled out his phone to take a quick photo for Julia. He tried to sit back a bit to get the photo and Sherman attempted to lean out of the shot, “No, it’s fine,” Grant reassured, waving his hand a bit, “You can stay in the photo.”

His red hair contrasted nicely with the greenery around them. The lighting was perfect too. It wouldn’t hurt to have one little thing to remember Sherman by.

Not odd at all.

They continued their journey through the park, Grant taking a particular interest when they were passing the pol field. A few horses were galloping around, seemingly warming up before a match was going to begin.

“Do you play?” Sherman asked, picking up on Grant’s flickering gaze as they slowly walked by.

“No, my father wanted me to but,” he paused, mind wandering off before he reeling it back in. No use in revisiting that, “I stuck with other equestrian sports.”

He felt Sherman’s eyes on him, that awkward silence falling over them. Maybe he didn’t mind the redhead’s constant talking

Eventually, they found themselves at the end of the park, crossing the street to walk closer to the beach. The sky was a perfect blue, with a few clouds peppering the sky. Waves rolled over naturally, a few kids crying out in glee as they rushed into the water, and others lounging on the beach sand without a care in the world.

“If we talked along the road here, we could go see the Golden Gate Bridge,” Grant felt Sherman’s hand press into his back lightly, turning him in the direction he was pointing, “It’s a bit of a hike and I wasn’t sure what else you had planned for the day…”

Grant glanced down at his watch, “I’m not sure I would have the time…”

The redhead’s face fell, only for a moment, before he nodded in understanding, “No yeah I totally get it. We walked the whole park which is pretty incredible as it is, that’s a lot of walking. And then we’d have to walk the whole way back because I don’t know what direction you were coming from or where you were sta-“

Reaching up, Grant grabbed the collar of Sherman’s shirt and pulled him down, pressing their lips together. The silence was almost blissful. His lips were warm, cracked slightly from the summer air. There was a lingering mix of sweetness and bitterness from the tea and cookies from the tea house. He moved to tilt his head before he caught himself, embarrassment rushing through him. What was he doing?

Pulling away, Grant took a few steps back from the redhead who was staring back at him in confusion. How could he have done that? “I-I’m so…,” he stuttered, hands shaking slightly. Before Sherman could say anything, he turned and rushed back across the street.

“Grant! Wait!”

The trees and people passed by in a blur, his mind spinning out of control. What was he doing? Kissing someone he barely knew, without even asking! He didn’t understand what had gotten into him.

It felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest.

#replies #writing prompt ask #an emotionally confused grant? my favorite type dfghjkl;#this was gonna get out of hand i could FEEL IT #anyway....thanks for tipsy giving me the idea of sherman never shutting up #and yeah it's San Fran cause why not #this park looks really cool btw i'd like to visit

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plaidcladjuno · 4 years

Text

The Untamed (MDZS/CQL) Fic Recs

here we go again! five more recs! all wangxian this time

(i’ll rec fics for other pairings next time) (if there’s a next time, as i’ve previously indicated, i’m not the best at keeping up with things)

[Previous Recs]

Look Not With The Eyes by @spodumene WangXian | 28K | E | Post-Canon, Case Fic, Getting Together

Wei Wuxian returns from his travels to join Lan Wangji on a routine night hunt, but when things take an unexpected turn, Wei Wuxian will have to fight for what he's really looking for.

this is such a lovely and captivating read. it truly delivers both as a case fic and as a getting together fic. the night hunt and subsequent adventures are interesting and well thought out and all the while the yearning between lwj and wwx is... *chef’s kiss*

seldom all they seem by @fahye WangXian | 25K | E | Canon Divergent, Arranged Marriage

or, one hundred and thirty-three principles of the Gusu Lan, pertaining to the state of marriage

***

He bows to Wei Wuxian, sword in hand, sleeves falling properly. Wei Wuxian bows in return, and the sect leaders begin the opening courtesies, and for all of ten minutes Lan Wangji is under the impression that he is betrothed to a boy who is perfectly normal and acceptable apart from an unfortunate tendency to fidget with his clothes.

That impression does not last.

i don’t think i can truly express how good this is. the way all the events of the original story are reworked and rewritten based on the fic’s premise — that lwj and wwx were betrothed — is just brilliant. absolutely, completely brilliant. plus the writing is incredible. i also highly, highly recommend reading the second fic in the series, half cloak & half dagger, which focuses on Meng Yao (and Lan Xichen). gorgeous writing there too, the metaphors made me want to weep they’re so spot-on.

speeding up my heartbeat by plonk (Tumblr?) WangXian | 25K | E | Modern Setting (w/ Magic), Getting Together

The guy is so stupid hot that Wei Ying doesn’t turn away in time. He can’t be absolutely sure, but he thinks the guy sees him sort of turned towards him. Not as bad as being caught outright staring at someone on the subway, except that it’s actually probably worse, because they’re in the cultivation gym’s locker room.

the author describes it as “ just 20k+ of gym eyefucking” and yeah, accurate. the sexual tension between lwj and wwx is almost unbearable (but it does get resolved! very satisfyingly) and while it’s all very sexy it’s also very well-written, clever and funny. there’s one scene in particular involving jc which i still haven’t recovered from. if you’re looking for a good time just click to read this fic.

We Covet What We See by dangereuse (Tumblr?) WangXian | 6K | E | Post-Canon, Dark Lan Zhan, Consent Play, Voyeurism

Jingyi knows it’s going to be a good night when he hears a startled little squeak, and then a playful, “Lan Zhan!” The end of the name is muffled, like someone has trapped the sound in a soft mouth.

Usually Hanguang-jun has a qiankun pouch full of silencing talismans drawn out by his husband’s clever hands, but sometimes they get caught up in the moment and forget to put them up, or, as Jingyi suspects sometimes, Hanguang-jun feels compelled to remind everyone exactly who his husband belongs to.

this is a bit outside of my comfort zone (please check the tags and notes before proceeding!) but damn, it’s very, very well-written and it pulled me in almost immediately. lan wangji’s possessiveness, the juniors’ obsession with wei wuxian, lan qiren’s (and more generally the rest of cloud recesses) refusal to intervene and get involved... wow, wow, wow. i mean, there’s still room to imagine that it’s all consensual & pre-negociated between lwj & wwx but it’s clearly not the point here and the whole thing will leave you shuddering.

You, Asleep and Dreaming by @megafaunatic WangXian | 10K | M | Post-Canon, Getting Together, Fluff

Wei Wuxian chuckles and starts pushing Lan Wangji's outer robes off his shoulders. "Poor Lan Zhan, subject to such earthly miseries. You must be exhausted, come to bed, come to bed."

"Mm," Lan Wangji says. He raises his arms so that Wei Wuxian can keep undressing him. His clothes will end up on the floor, but no matter. Wei Wuxian's deft hands at his belts are worth wrinkled robes.

"... Goodness, Hanguang-Jun, you wear too many damned layers," Wei Wuxian tells him after a while. "Would it kill you to stop after a reasonable five?"

Wei Wuxian moves into the Jingshi. They sleep together.

this is so. Soft. the intimacy!! the literal sleeping together! this is an extremely lovely fic and it made my heart grow, like, three sizes.

#fic recs #the untamed fic recs #the untamed #mdzs #cql #wangxian #my recs

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myherowritings · 5 years

Text

slip of the tongue

— overview: during a charity interview with the top three heroes, deku and shouto “accidentally” give away ground zero’s crush on you. you’re asked about bakugou in an interview of your own and, during a fit of excitement, accidentally let your crush on him slip.

— pairing: pro hero!bakugou katsuki x [fem]pro hero!reader

— word count: 2.2k

— genre: pro hero au, celebrity crush au vibes, fluff

— author’s note: [y/h/n = your hero name] this is literally so self-indulgent i’m sorry but this was so much fun to write lolol. i hope you give in and enjoy this fic with me ;)

“Being a Pro Hero can call for a taxing lifestyle. You work day in and day out and, even during your vacations, it’s hard to catch a real break.” The interviewer waited for the three of them to nod before continuing, “Do you have any advice for young, aspiring heroes on how to balance work and personal wellbeing?”

“That’s a tough one,” Midoriya replied, tilting his head to the side as he thought of his answer. “Being a hero requires a lot of time and sacrifice, and sometimes it’s difficult to remember to take care of yourself in such a high stress environment. But if Aizawa-sensei taught us anything during our years at U.A., it’s that…”

Deku continued to talk on and on and Bakugou found himself counting the number of threads present on the arm of the sofa.

For the majority of the interview, Katsuki sat near the edge of the couch ready to bolt out of his seat. His manager claimed the special “Top Three” interview was a good way to raise money for charity, but he was almost certain it was simply a thinly veiled publicity stunt and an extra way for the crew to bring cash to their own pockets.

“To be honest, I’m still trying to figure that out myself,” said Todoroki after a long pause, inciting loud cheers and deep sighs from the audience.

Bakugou narrowed his eyes. That fucker could say he ate nail clippings for breakfast and the response would be the same.

So far, the interview had consisted of Deku blabbing on until the host directed the conversation elsewhere, Shouto piping in with a stupid comment in a low drawl that made the entire audience swoon, and Ground Zero almost bursting with annoyance at the vain questions asked.

(The question the host asked Midoriya was probably the most--if not only--question of substance. The rest were about who was dating who, how long did it take to develop such toned muscles, and other bullshit he didn’t care for.)

He found himself zoning out until Todoroki nudged him on the side.

With a blink, Bakugou turned to the interviewer who cleared his throat with a nervous chuckle.

“As I was saying…” started the host, trying to find his words. “You guys are the Top Three everyone is striving to become, but are there any heroes that inspire you? An individual who stands out as someone you trust to keep Japan safe?”

Midoriya nodded fervently, a sparkle lighting up his eye as he began to speak. “Plenty! It’s not possible to choose just one. There are so many heroes I’ve met along the way that helped make me the person I am today--”

And that’s when Bakugou stopped paying attention.

Not for lack of interest, per se, but simply because he’s heard Deku say this millions of times before. Everyone other time he opens his damn mouth, it’s to shout praises of any quirk someone possesses.

“...but ever since our U.A. years, I’ve always had a good feeling about Y/H/N.”

And that’s when Bakugou started paying attention again.

His neck snapped towards Izuku at the mention of your name and Todoroki stifled an amused snort.

You met them as a student in U.A., exactly two grades below theirs. Like Half-and-Half, you got accepted through recommendations and easily blew everyone in your class away during the Sports Festival.

Bakguou didn’t give a single fuck about you back then. He thought you were a spoiled princess who had her life handed to her on a silver platter, but as long as you didn’t get in his way, you weren’t important enough to worry about. But years have passed and, through a variety of encounters during hero training and internships, he began to realize maybe you weren’t all that bad.

In fact, you were rather...admirable.

He grimaced at the thought.

“I’m quite fond of her as well,” said Shouto, a small smile on his face as he met the audience’s captivated gaze. “She makes the best cold soba. And the control she has over her quirk is impressive.”

Katsuki snorted. “Glad to know your priorities are in check.”

“Making good soba is a noteworthy talent,” defended the interviewer, head halfway up Icy Hot’s ass. “And what about you, Ground Zero. We only have a few minutes left together, but are there any young heroes who caught your eye?”

He shrugged. “There’s--”

“He’s mentioned Y/H/N before, too,” Todoroki answered for him, sharing a look with Midoriya. “In the break room earlier, the news channel was on and Ground Zero had his eyes glued to the screen when she appeared.”

Izuku hummed in agreement. “And he wouldn’t stop talking about how powerful and pretty she looked during her debut as a Pro--”

“For fuck’s sake, I told you not to tell--”

“Sir, language! This is a live recording.”

Bakugou glared at the host for interrupting, then gave an even harsher glare to Deku and Icy Hot for opening their big mouths. Shouto quirked his head to the side, peering at him with an oblivious look that Katsuki wanted to punch off his face. Izuku simply avoided his gaze, taking a sip from his glass of water.

Todoroki blinked. “The more I think about it, the more it seems Ground Zero might actually like Y/H/N.”

Midoriya spluttered out the remnants of the drink in his mouth, coughing uncontrollably as his face reddened. He glanced nervously at Bakugou to check his reaction and gulped. Katsuki’s left eye was twitching and the crackling noise of the nitroglycerin on his hands igniting grew louder.

“Ah, S-Shouto?” Deku said with a forced chuckle, trying to take control the situation. He turned to the audience. “I-I think what he means to say is that Ground Zero likes Y/H/N...as a person. Right?”

Todoroki looked confused. “No? I meant that he likes her and wants to--”

Izuku clamped a hand over Shouto’s mouth and Bakugou jumped up from his seat, sparks flying off of his forearms. So much for being stupid enough to trust these idiots with his personal feelings ever again.

“ARE YOU A FUCKING MORON OR--?!”

“And that’s all we have time for today, folks!” the interviewer interrupted, desperately trying to take the attention away from the chaos unfolding in front of him. Midoriya placed himself between Bakugou and Bakugou’s newfound target, and the audience had their phones at the ready. The host let out a strangled cry. “A big thank you to Deku, Shouto, and Ground Zero for all that they do for Japan. Now, please-- Just leave! And tune in next time on JNN!”

- - - - -

“We’ve had an amazing time tonight with you here,” the host paused, smiling as the audience cheered, “but before our time comes to an end, there is one last thing I think we’re all dying to know.”

“Of course!” you said with a smile, crossing one leg over the other as you leaned towards him intently. “I’m all ears.”

You could’ve sworn his cheeks turned pink with a swoon before continuing. “Ahem. A few days ago, we had the Top Three heroes visit the studio for an exclusive interview.”

At the mention of the Top Three, you almost bounced out of your seat in excitement. You had known them since high school, yet you continued to be starstruck at the intelligence and talent they brought to the field. Just hearing about their accomplishments pushed you to strive to become a better hero.

“I heard! I haven’t watched it yet, but I really need to,” you exclaimed, a bright smile on your face. “I look up to them all so much and they’re such a joy to be around. The interview must’ve been so fun!”

The host muttered, “Fun… That’s a way to put it.”

You let out an awkward chuckle.

As if just now remembering the camera was rolling, he cleared his throat and straightened in his seat. “Yes, they were certainly a joy to be around. There was never a dull moment with them, to say the least.”

“Right…”

“And when they were here, they told us which talented young heroes they admired.” He gave you a pleasant smile. “Your name just so happened to be at the top of their lists.”

Your eyes felt like they were going to bulge out of their sockets. The Top Three admired you? “R-Really?”

“Yes, really. Deku said he had a good feeling you were going to make it big, ever since U.A. Shouto even said he liked the cold soba you made him,” the interviewer said and you flushed.

You were a big fan of Todoroki’s ever since his Sport’s Festival performance during his first year. Of course you had to make him his favorite food any chance you could. And Midoriya-- There were no words to describe how much you looked up to someone so powerful yet so… good. There was simply no one else quite like him.

“But what was even more interesting was what we heard from Ground Zero.”

Now, while you looked up to and loved Deku and Shouto, Ground Zero had a special place in your heart.

You looked up to him as well, there was no denying that, but lately your feelings felt like something more than admiration. The more encounters you had with Bakugou, the less you viewed him as the same arrogant (and annoyingly powerful) kid from U.A. No-- He was different now. Big-headed at times? Yes. But there was a kindness and warmth deep inside him you never quite noticed until recently.

“What did he say?” you asked, hoping your voice wasn’t as jittery as you felt.

“Well, he really admires your talent and strength, as well as the hard work and effort you put into being a Pro Hero.” The host drummed his fingertips along the desk as he sang your praises. Leaning closer to you, he lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “And--just between you and me--Shouto and Deku let it slip that he wouldn’t stop talking about you after your debut as a Pro, either. Ground Zero seems to be absolutely entranced by your presence on screen.”

Every logical part of you knew this man was exaggerating for the sake of show business, but you were too ecstatic to really care.

This was Bakugou fucking Katsuki he was talking about. Ground Zero himself!

You could hardly contain your excitement as you practically bounced in your seat. “He admires me?” You shook your head. “That can’t be possible! He’s one of the best heroes the world has! Deku may be ranked number one--and he absolutely deserves it--but Ground Zero has always been a personal favorite of mine.”

Your interviewer raised his eyebrows at your admission. “Is that so?”

“Most definitely!” you said with a zealous nod. “He’s always so determined and passionate in everything he does. Ground Zero’s a natural born hero, but that doesn’t stop him from pushing himself everyday to be the very best he could possibly be. He…inspires me, really.”

“That sounds like a little more than inspiration to me,” replied the host with a thinly veiled smirk.

You felt your cheeks heat up and, if you had Bakugou’s quirk, you knew you’d be popping off some nitroglycerin at the embarrassment. The interviewer couldn’t possibly expose you for having a crush on a certain Pro Hero, right?

“I… Ah-- What do you mean?” you coughed out.

“Oh, nothing,” he said simply, enjoying the doe-eyed expression on your face a little too much. “Well, I hate to end such an amazing interview, but that’s all the time we have for today! Thank you so much, Y/H/N, and tune in next time on JNN!”

- - - - -

“So, I heard you might have a small crush on me.”

“Tch.”

“Or did the interviewer totally blow it out of proportion and now I’m just making a fool of myself?”

“Pfft.”

“Oh, my God, I’d be mortified if--”

“Is now really the time to talk about this?!” Bakugou grunted in a strained voice. His ears were a bright red as you continued to move closer to him.

You blinked up at him innocently. “What do you mean?”

There was a crashing noise behind you as Ground Zero took down a dismembered, yet fully mobile, appendage of the Storm Villain, Karmegan. When another came up behind you, he stretched his hands out to do his famous AP Shot and you almost swooned on the spot when he aimed the perfect circle.

“I mean maybe we can talk about us after we defeat all these loser mutants?”

“Loser?!” the villain roared shooting off another army of appendage-sized mutants in your direction.

Easily dodging his attack, you retaliated with your long range specialty move and looked at Bakugou with a smile.

“So, what I’m hearing is there is an ‘us’?”

“Are you trying to flirt with me while we save Musutafu?” he asked. When you nodded sheepishly, he snorted in begrudging amusement. “That’s some nerve you’ve got there, pipsqueak.”

Bakugou punched Karmegan, who came up from your back, and gave you a slight smirk.

“How about after we survive this attack, I take you out on a date?”

The grin on your face was almost uncontrollable as you took out an enemy behind him. Katsuki ducked right as you kicked, in perfect synchronization.

“Sounds like a plan, Ground Zero.”

“We better end this quickly then, Y/H/N,” he said, a mischievous glint in his eye. “Now I’m looking forward to our date.”

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seatosomert · 3 years

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Street Photography...my New therapy.

Now you guys who've been here a while will already know about my love for Street Photography.

Just of late I've been dealing with some significant work stress.

I'm meditating and getting outdoors. I usually exercise regularly in the gym but I've not been for a week now.

I've needed something else to immerse myself into and take my mind away from the stresses at work.

I've chosen to throw myself into more Street photography.

I've been reading what I can only describe as one of the best self help books I've read. I'm sure the author Sean Tucker intended this book for other means, yet I say self help because it is self help for creatives.

In writing this book Sean has helped me to do some real soul searching and I've made some discoveries along the way.

I've leapt out of a creative rut, discovered my photographic Raison D' Etre and I've started to connect with my photography in an entirely new way. And it feels great.

I've let go of my, probably unhealthy connection with Social Media for a more casual relationship. I've started to invest more time in helping others by getting back into coaching again.

In essence I've completely fallen back, head over heels, in love with my photography again. But this time without the baggage that has us doubting ourselves or comparing ourselves to others too often.

We all do it.

The book is a mix of philosophical narrative, which Tucker presents with a gentle, non-patronising delivery. He writes with an honesty and degree of vulnerability that allows the reader to truly connect with his story. One which some of us share in many aspects.

However, where this book differs from all others about improving your photography let's say, is that it's applicable to all creatives.

Indeed it doesn't focus on photography, but instead talks about just being creative and the struggles we can all face. Then he begins to unwrap some of this and gives you some suggestions on how to unpack your creative blocks let's say, re-organise your priorities (pretty much you as a person really) in a conversational manner rather than a list of what to do and what not to do.

It's also a bit of an auto biography for Tucker. And what an interesting and varied life he has led.

Anyway. I tell you this not to try and sell you his book (although I can HIGHLY recommend it), but instead to explain to you how I have refocused my creative attention and some of the tools I've used to do this. It's got me into a much better place creatively. This book was the significant catalyst.

Zone Focusing...the street photogs secret weapon.

I've gone back to shooting on the Sony a6300 for now when shooting street scenes. The articulating screen is great for this genre and as I have been using some 7Artisans manual focus lenses (25mm f/1.8 and 55mm f/1.4) I've been using the superior Peak focusing in the Sony a6300.

However. Today I was using zone focusing. This is where you set your aperture and focus point so that you have. A zone within which any subject entering that zone will be in acceptable focus.

The advantage of this method is that you set your focus and aperture then you shoot. You can also preset your shutter speed and just switch ISO to auto and then just focus on what's going on around you and composition. It's the fastest possible way you can shoot. Yes, it's even faster than the fastest AF, because you see, you shoot, you move on. That's it.

It's a truly liberating way to shoot and before anyone even notices you you're done and gone.

It's great and I highly recommend it.

If anyone wants me to go into this more and talk through how this is done, comment on the post and I'll sort something for you guys.

So here are some more shots, all of which have been shot with the focus zone method.

I have to say, I went to meet a pal for lunch today and so went to the city an hour early and shot for an hour before our meet.

It was easy to fit in and it was so therapeutic just pointing my fully manual semi pro (some might say) Camera as a point and shoot, but a point and shoot that I had complete control over the metering etc and firing away. I didn't do any chimping. Just shot and moved on.

I managed to hit focus about 98% of the time I have found when I examined the images at home. It was great.

And the important bit...I was feeling complete overwhelm with stress a couple of days ago. I couldn't be arsed doing anything.

I knew that was totally not me.

Getting out to shoot in this way, no stress shooting basically, allowed me to just completely immerse myself and be present in my environment and just to shoot for the sheer pleasure of it.

So my gratitude goes out to Sean Tucker for writing what is a truly amazing piece of work and to photography for saving me from complete burn out.

So this last image was taken yesterday by my amazing wife who managed to catch a rare image of me with a genuine smile.

(Love you babes 😁x)

So that's it guys. Comment, like, share follow and hit me up for any observations, any questions and feel free to share your stories in the comments if you've had a similar experience to the one I describe here.

See all in a bit.

Kind regards.

Neil.

#seantucker #photography #sonycamera #sonyalpha #sonypictures #7artisans #streetphotography #Leeds #zonefocusing #themeaninginthemaking

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shitty-check-please-aus · 4 years

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2020 Books Read So Far, Part 2

Prior post here

So it turns out that it’s really hard for me to actually read books when I’m stressed out about a once-in-a-century pandemic, so this list is a bit shorter than my February post. Factors include: no commute, so harder to focus on audiobooks, stress, the purchase of my Nintendo Switch and Animal Crossing. All ratings are completely subjective and basically just how much I enjoyed reading them.

The Feather Thief, Kirk W. Johnson 4.5/5. This was a pick for my book club because we wanted to read about some kind of heist, and it delivered! It’s nonfiction, about this guy who stole a ton of really old and scientifically useful bird skins/feathers so he could recreate Victorian fishing flies, and also make a ton of money. Do you ever delight in reading about drama that in no way can ever impact you? You will enjoy the drama of the fly-tying community, which is a real thing with an illicit underworld that violates like a billion laws on poaching. Do you stay awake at night wondering what really happened to the paintings in the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum heist? Enjoy reading about how they caught this asshole and figured out how he did it.

Untamed, Glennon Doyle 2/5. The thing is, I think this would be a great book if I was a straight middle-aged woman going through some stuff in my marriage. But I bought it for my book club’s pride month read, thinking that it would be more about her marriage to the USWNT captain and less about her divorce with some asshole who cheated on her. Doyle also just hit on some sore spots for me (”why are so many queer people prejudiced against God and Jesus” ma’am, my atheism literally does not impact your life whatsoever and my issues with Christianity are between me and my therapist).

She completely lost me when she described going into an airplane bathroom and straightening her hair and putting on a full face of makeup. I guarantee you that SOMEONE on this cross-country flight was sitting there, pissing themselves in their seat while she spent fifteen minutes minimum doing some glamming up. Why did she not wait to get to her destination airport? This should be a crime. I also hate when parents talk about personal shit their kids go through for profit.

Her prose is also incredibly flowery, and I do not believe for half a second that anything presented in quotes was actually said verbatim. I also feel like if you’re going to name drop, don’t be coy about it. “My friend Liz came over” you mean Elizabeth Fucking Gilbert, author of Eat Pray Love, who like Doyle famously divorced her husband and married a woman? If you’re bragging about meeting Oprah you should go all the way in your name drops.

tl;dr it’s a book that’s written for a straight audience, and I am not a straight audience. The cover design is excellent, though, I would definitely put it on a coffee table if I was styling a photoshoot. Probably wouldn’t have finished it without my book club as motivation.

The Hand on the Wall, Maureen Johnson 5/5. This is the third book in a trilogy, and it wraps up the first two books wonderfully. Without getting too spoilery, the main mystery is like half Leopold and Loeb and half the Lindbergh baby. You can tell from every sentence how much Johnson loves mysteries, and knows how to craft compelling, complicated, sometimes annoying characters, It’s also so tantalizing to feel for a minute like we could solve some of these ice-cold cases in the real world.

The Adventure Zone: Petals to the Metal, The McElroys and Carey Pietsch 5/5. Really fun read! I love graphic novels that really force me to look at the art, pay attention to details, and take my time reading. This is also a really fun adaptation of one of my favorite arcs in the podcast, and manages to either keep the same level of fun or even ramp it up consistently. I love Pietsch’s facial expressions, and the tiny easter eggs she’s hidden on almost every page. The choices they’ve made in adapting it from podcast to graphic novel are also very well-done. Some things work better in audio improv than they would in this form, and they’ve recognized that some changes can improve the story (it’s a graphic novel, we don’t have to be as tied to the three main players as we do when they’re doing the voices).

Wires and Nerve, Marissa Meyer, Stephen Gilpin 4.5/5. This was also a fun, fast read! I love the Lunar Chronicles, so it’s interesting to see it as a graphic novel. The half point deduction is maybe unfair, because it comes from the characters not looking the way I pictured them in my head when I read them. It follows Iko, Cinder’s android friend, and has a lot of good questions about whether a robot/android can be a person (imo, they absolutely can).

Wires and Nerve: Volume 2, Gone Rogue, Marissa Meyer, Stephen Gilpin 4.5/5. Again, fun, fast, exciting. Some parts made me actually gasp out loud, there are good twists, there’s romance, it’s overall highly recommended! We get to spend significant time with everyone from the main series, which is lovely. Like meeting up with old friends.

#off topic #long post #Marina Reads

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debbie-tanthorey · 4 years

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65 DAYS IN MAY

CHAPTER ONE

Cosmic irony. A dentist saved me. You read that correctly – saved my LIFE, albeit inadvertently. An action as mundane as having one’s teeth cleaned, set fate in motion. Was the week of Thanksgiving 2019, bi-annual check-up. Dentist does his thing after the hygienist finishes. You know the drill (pun intended). Only this time he uncustomarily offers me a hand-mirror, tells me to look in my throat, asks me if I've had my tonsils out.

“No”

“You have a white spot back there, see that?” My eyes shift toward the mirror – I LIE – say I see it (don’t have my glasses on, PRIDE won’t let me admit I can’t see any white patch) He continues, “If you don't mind, am referring you to an oral surgeon for a biopsy.” The nefarious B-word; brain fires a warning shot. B-word leads to the C-word.

Alone now in my car, I fall apart. Hi, I'm a hypochondriac; I don't handle health challenges well despite the jovial persona folks see. A paralyzed-with-fear hypochondriac. Foremost in my thoughts is a long-time friend from high school, currently dealing with a devastating throat cancer diagnosis; I know not to minimize this. (R.I.P. Grady, August 8, 2020 😔) Get to my desk, dial my primary physician immediately, which is a big deal for introverted-me; set up an appointment for a second opinion. The Thanksgiving holiday means I can't be seen until the following week. What is normally a fun, family-gathering time of year, is effectively fogged in with dread, I go through the motions. All-consuming thoughts ruminate incessantly - I'm dying. Yeah, it's what hypochondriacs DO, we ‘dive off into the deep end,’ thrash, drown in ‘what if’s??’

The next week, my doctor smiles after he peers past my tongue into my throat, “Where?” Looks twice, insists I relax, “It's nothing.” He knows me well, adding, “if it would make you feel better, let's follow-up in three months.” His reassurance tempers my panic . . life resumes.

CHAPTER TWO

December 2019, January, February, 2020 the winter that wasn't. Work that was. Mid-February Housing fair at Ohio University's Walter Hall Rotunda. Event coordinator, Donna, introduces herself to Dave and me at our display table. Lively-soul, (I admire extroverts) she explains she recently transferred to this area from Columbus and, among other things, is a Stage 4 breast cancer survivor. Woman is spunky. Piques my interest. I share my sister's email address with her, explaining Cheryl is an 18-month soldier waging the same battle.

March approaches and the little nagging voice in my head reminds, “3-month follow-up, Deb, just do it.” Did. Friday, March 6. Confirmed, no dumb spot. Ha!! Your basic normal appointment. Crisis debunked. As visit concludes, Hillary, his nurse, scrolls through my medical record, turns to mention it's been more than a couple years since my last mammogram, they’ve all been clear, but I'm due, and would I want to set up one.

“Sure”

My youngest, Leah, works in this same medical facility, stop at her desk near the lab to say ‘hello.’ She’s my last to leave home, miss her in my house still. Always good to see and talk to her. She and Ian were married 18 months ago. Her desk-mate, Jordan, coincidentally one of Leah’s friends from her high school days, sets up my mammo appointment for Monday.

MONDAY, MARCH 9. Say ‘hello’ again to the girls at their desk. Check-in. Take a seat, wait my turn. Have had plenty of these 'grams in my lifetime, no big deal, no dread. Bare 'em, squash 'em, and get back to work. This time though, the tech knows my sister, and as I dress when we are done, from behind the screen she casually asks how old Cheryl was when she got her diagnosis and how’s she doing. (60. She is doing remarkably well, maintaining) 10 minutes later, I’m back at my work desk, phone rings, the mammo-tech is on the phone, needing me to return the next day for “a couple more, 'maybe clearer' pics, and an ultrasound.” That’s never happened before. A fleeting shot of panic surges, but since my most recent dread has been unfounded, I attempt to not over-react.

TUESDAY, MARCH 10. Keenly study the radiology-tech’s face for clues when she comes to fetch me from the lobby, I examine her demeanor as if I’m a police detective on a high-profile murder case and she’s my prime suspect. She's calm. So I'm cool. Rescan first, ultrasound second. Not especially pleasant the latter, (idiotic thing to say, was wholly unpleasant ) having your chest unceremoniously smashed in a circular motion against your ribs. The techs are studious, the room silent, I stare at the ceiling. Last time I had an ultrasound was 26 years ago and I was pregnant. Today, no fun at all. Understand now why my sister mentioned she is not a fan of these during her breast cancer struggles.

CHAPTER THREE

SATURDAY, MARCH 14, a knock on the front door, mailman is standing on my front porch and in the time it takes me to scribble my name on a card, I'm staring down at a certified letter in my palm, the return address of the clinic lunging off the paper at me. There's a low, barely-audible, foreign sound in my head. It's 'control', in human form, and is protesting/whining as she’s being forcibly dragged away from me. Remind myself I'm somewhat sane, an adult - just open the envelope. I do. And there it is, in black and white, the word -

ABNORMALITY

The rest of the weekend is a blur, debunking the need for concern with my daughters. Every excuse, every plausible explanation of why a letter like this would be mailed. A mistake, surely so. Just a glitch in the system. “Mom, if it was bad, they wouldn't notify you by letter,” Leah insists.

MONDAY, MARCH 16, my primary physician calls in regard to my somewhat-panicky email fired-off to him on Saturday, the day the letter arrives. He speaks in calm tones, explains he was on vacation the past week, is sorry he could not talk to me before the notice arrived, he's seen the offending spot on the film, offers it's so small, unlikely any cause for concern. “Indistinctive,” he assures. Forwarding to a surgeon for review.

CHAPTER FOUR

TUESDAY, MARCH 17, mama-daughter call . . normal stuff .. she’s working today at the clinic. She mentions the aforementioned surgeon has office hours today, maybe I could be squeezed in. I’m in luck, they can. So in a couple hours, I am shaking the hand of the head of surgery. Personable guy, he tells me he's reviewed my pics, if the radiologist had not circled the area, he would not have noticed it right away. Optimism duly noted. He thoroughly examines that body part, pokes and prods, asks me if I feel a lump. “I have not.” Today he doesn't either. Every woman knows about lumps. I absolutely know about lumps. I would never ignore one. Fact of the matter, there is NO lump!

We go over my less than stellar immediate family history of C. (HATE that word). Lung, breast, leukemia. He recommends biopsy to rule out any true problem. The B-word again. This day I say, ‘ok'.

Right here is where COVID-19 makes it's bizarro presence known, personally impacts ME. Doctor advises local surgery center is now closed due to the virus and procedures are limited to emergencies only but he is willing to go before the Board to plead my case. ???? While thankful he is willing to intercede for me; I am tamping down anxiety fighting to rise up, mentally jumping up and down, stomping on it, both feet.

Couple days later I get the call the Medical Board approves me for a needle biopsy. Control-of-my-life, she is sitting on the floor in a fetal position, rocking, whimpering in a locked padded-room somewhere.

CHAPTER FIVE

TUESDAY, MARCH 24, Jess drives me to Jackson. I don't need driven. Appreciate my oldest’s company though. COVID rules necessitate only a patient be permitted to enter any facility; Jess has to wait in the car. At the door, am screened for symptoms, this is the Twilight Zone. And it's too quiet in here. The place is dark and weird and I don't want to be here. I'm the ONLY person in the entire surgery center, I overhear the staff talking, they weren’t on the schedule today, I’m the only patient. hhmmmm, why am I so important?? Creepy.

Am ushered into the procedure room, nurses are professional, put me at ease. Entering, it’s impossible to miss my film aglow on the lighted-box on the wall; she asks if I want to see it. (NO!! I don’t want to see it!!) In reality, robotically, walk over to look. There it is, plain as day. The previously described small-likely-nothing indistinctive spot. Yikes, it's a glaring, ominous, bright white glob with literal tentacles reaching out, it’s in the middle of my precious flesh. No denying this now. Thing’s staring back at me. The only way I know how to describe the rest of the appointment, is that I am having an out-of-body experience, it’s not happening to me. No . . . is not.

You know the lifts in a garage of an auto repair shop? That's what this is. Clumsily climb aboard, assume a face-down position. There's no delicate way to explain the procedure. There's an enormous hole in the table, chest area, your beloved body part dangles and the table is raised, surgeon accesses it from below. Area is securely taped, prepped and numbed. Needles are fun, aren't they??! (eye roll) Am told the table will vibrate, surgeon cautions me to lay perfectly still or the laser will slice me. (no problem, I float away, not even present in the room) And it begins. Computer guides a gatling gun of needles as it commences to stab the tumor, withdraw specimens of cells. Sounds horrific, but it isn't, numbing tends to that. Divert my eyes from the red, fleshy goop siphoning into the container, my eyes clamped shut much of the time. Lasts just a few minutes, dress, then am on my way. Visit the same surgeon in a week for the results. Will not come back to this location, by then this center will also be closed by the pandemic mandate, next appointment is at a nearby hospital.

CHAPTER SIX

APRIL 1, 2020, APRIL FOOL'S DAY. First time I have ever visited this hospital, enter alone, virus protocol at the door. Surgeon’s office on the second floor, take the elevator. Few folks in the building, those that are, like me, are wearing masks. As I wait, pilfer on my ipad. Name is called, off I go. Today I find out this thing is benign, that I have been spazzing for weeks over nothing, naturally. Don't wait long for the Dr., I remain seated as he enters, greets me. He begins talking as he walks across the room, lays down my chart, then turns, making eye-contact, “you are so lucky to have had this test, mammogram did what it was supposed to do; we've caught it early.”

“...(I go effectively deaf) blah-blah-blah-blah-blah CARCINOMA.” A cataclysmic concoction of consonants and vowels strung together into syllables, words, in sentence form, delivered matter-of-factly. What happens here is nothing short of BIZARRE. Always imagined if I heard the words, “you have cancer,” I would react BADLY.

I would -

be angry

weep

go to pieces

vomit

all of the above

In reality -

I did not cry

I did not faint

I did not scream

Instead, sit calmly, silently. Stoic. Utterly, absolutely, wholly dumbfounded. ( this isn’t real - my head hurts - is this a stroke!?) REALITY Brain cells scramble to focus, I listen intently to every word, nod occasionally. Hearing all, absorbing little, during this a crash course on three types of breast cancer and treatment options available. (drifting off - I like him, he gestures with his hands as he speaks of surgery options.) Reconstruction; their plastic surgeon is top notch. The decision is mine. The doctor adds simply, “you know what will happen if you do nothing.”

I do

Unceremoniously and without a second’s hesitation, I react, “Get it off me,” hand on my chest. (subconscious protesting, “I feel FINE!!!! THIS. IS. STUPID!!”)

He nods in acknowledgement of my words, continuing, discusses recurrence rates on the opposite breast. Fuzzy math. Right here I interrupt him with the wave of a hand, “Get them both off me!” For good measure, I repeat it. Decision made, bilateral mastectomy it is, ASAP. Hands me a print-out with my diagnosis, I roll the paper up like a diploma and slip it in my bag. Stare down at the bag I take to work everyday . . (new-reality thoughts commence) or did … back when life was normal.

“Lousy April Fool’s Day, ya gotta admit.” I mutter out-loud to him as I rise to my feet, reach for the door. (how am I walking??!)

Ah, but COVID-19. Global pandemic, if it were a person, he’d be a cold-hearted, merciless jerk. I have to wait 14 days, be symptom-free in order to be permitted in their surgery unit or risk contaminating the whole place. Condemned to live with my killer for 15 more days, let it sleep with me, go to work with me, hang out with me while I visit my kids, grandkids. Melodramatic? You betcha, but the truth. All the while knowing the beast is growing.

I don’t exit the building until I am pre-registered for surgery, receive copious instructions, am assigned a day, APRIL 16. Next to the radiology waiting room, there I message my sister, she is the first to know. I have breast cancer. There’s lab work, x-ray, EKG. Am a zombie. A polite zombie with cancer making idle chitchat with techs who have no freaking clue my unremarkable and average life has evaporated in the last 45 minutes.

Poked, prodded, scanned and x-rayed - my walk across the parking lot is a 1,000 mile trek. Open the door, slide into the seat, fasten the seat belt, inhale deeply, fill my lungs with air just so I feel alive and less numb. Stare at my hands. Wish I could scream without attracting attention. Vomiting would be a blessing about now. I seem to be the same person that got out of the vehicle two hours before. No, am not the same at all. HOW do I do this????! Any of this??

HOW??????????!!!!!

In the days that follow, I will unroll my biopsy report, familiarize myself: invasive lobular carcinoma, 1.6cm, grade 1, ER+PR+HER2-. (translation = hormone fed) I will become versed about the enemy within, that if left untreated, would put me in the ground. Knowledge is power.

CHAPTER SEVEN

How do you tell the people you love, you have cancer? How do you toss a live emotional-grenade in a room? As terrifying as it is for me, I have to watch the realization sink in, the fear in their faces. Jess and Leah, my girls, having initiated a video chat with me as I wait for labs at the hospital. “Mom...well, how’d it go??” Not necessary to share details out loud, I crack, my eyes said all there was to say. Tough to hide that. Awful is the fact I’m in a public waiting room as they ask, am trying to hold it together, not disintegrate, explode into pieces. Watch them absorb what they now understand. I can’t help them.

Morning of April 1, the plan was to go back to work after the appointment. I don't. I aim the car toward home.

But first, I stop at my mom's house, to reveal the diagnosis to her and George. This is the first time I will say the words. Standing in the middle of her living room, my mouth opens and the emotion-less words fall out, “I have cancer too.” It is weird to hear it voiced and I feel bad for her. (her sister, my dad, my brother, my sister, now me) Explain to her what I plan to do and comfort that it'll be alright. She supports my decision: show no mercy to the beast.

Head home.

Turn onto my county road, Jameson calls, asks how the Dr. visit went. Avoiding answering, instead, ask if they are home, that I will be right there. Am thankful I am not them. He ‘knows’ from my tone, detects from the question. My son and wife, Patty, live 1/4 mile from my house, I arrive at their place in only a couple minutes, walk into their living room where they both were, learn the kids are upstairs, state the fact to the both of them, and I sit down for a bit. Just like that. Keep it light and matter of fact.

Life is insane.

CHAPTER EIGHT

What follows is 15 days trapped in a state of in-between. Desperate for normalcy yet knowing I can’t have it. What to do. What. To. Do. Staying right-minded is the aim. Crave it. C-word rarely leaving my thoughts. Every day ‘hospital Jessica’ calls me to ask a series of Covid-19 related questions and asks my body temperature that I am tasked with taking each morning upon waking.

What I CAN maintain right now, is routine.

COVID locks my office door in mid-March, am the only one staffing there. OU student move-in/move-out day is May 3. I’m the one in charge of this, making sure everything is ready. Can’t cancel it . . it goes on with or without me. Scheduling surgery mid-April, slashes two weeks off my prep time for this once-a-year event. Realize the timing could not be better, if there IS such a thing, I have little free time to ponder what’s coming, am too busy. Every day I plow through my work to-do list. Go home too tired to indulge doom and gloom.

Away from the office too, I quickly find another diversion, researching and shopping for items I might need after the surgery. Soft tops with inner pockets for drains management, ice packs, hot packs, special propping pillow. A miracle they all arrive on time because Amazon Prime has been waylay-ed by the corona virus. A sick and twisted ‘Merry Christmas to me’ as each package arrives. In some small way, gives me a semblance of control.

Sleeping is not an issue during these days. It’s my safe place. Sleep deep and well, courtesy of a little purple pill discovered years ago. (thank you, menopause) Each and every morning, have about 30 seconds of ‘normal’ before I remember what demon is living in me.

An entertaining activity during this time is staring in my lingerie drawer at the start of every day, choosing which style, what color bra for one last travel in the rotation. I waffle. At first, suffer pangs of melancholy while looking at the neat row of vibrant colors and lace. Then chuckle, cups are large enough to be made into hats for small children. No one wants to discuss my boobs, but this is an important part of the process of letting go. Acknowledgement. A girl spends what seems like her whole life waiting for these body parts to materialize; coveted, we dress them up, suspend them with steel reinforcement, make the best of them. They feed our children, we rock our babies/grandbabies against them. They’re part of who we are. Mine are set for execution. It’s them or me.

Time ticks by.

CHAPTER NINE

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 15. Mastectomy Eve, am something I have never been, radioactive. True. This day go into the hospital ALONE, pass through the covid-19 gauntlet; escorted to a quiet room with a massive machine, bet it was a CT scanner, I don’t ask, I lay down on a metal table and a needle is inserted in my chest region, right side (still find it weird to use the word ‘breast’) and a radioactive tracer is placed in my body at the sight of the tumor. I’d researched the procedure a little (LIE . . I researched a LOT) beforehand, and read it would be EXCRUCIATING. So expect the worst. Naturally. Tech is kind and reassuring; small talk. I notice what great hair he has. Stare at the ceiling as I lay there. Then the doctor comes in, says I’ll feel a stick (had read the area is numbed first) expect that. Did. Not horrendous - that’s an exaggeration, barely felt anything. Assume we wait for the numbing to take effect before he drills through to the core. What I DIDN’T expect, is him to say, “you’re done.” Meaning that tiny prick was it. Say what now? Before the morning’s surgery, I’ll come back to this table, and will find out if the cancer has leeched into any lymph nodes. I dress and exit the building.

ESCAPE! The rest of this day IS MINE. I take my dreary thoughts, my diseased chest, the ‘DD girls’ , and we hit the road, took the long way home. Gave ‘them’ the best darned last-day-alive you could ask for. Was the least I could do considering what I was consenting to do to them. Pitied them and wanted them DEAD at the same time. Them or me.

Flowers waiting for me when I got home, the first time I sobbed in earnest. A torrent of tears.

CHAPTER TEN

THURSDAY, APRIL 16, 2020. DtoDD DAY. Death to DD’s Day. (and my Mom’s 81st birthday) Eerily calm. I grab my packed bag, stare at my freshly-made bed as I turn to exit the bedroom. Oh here comes one of those bizarro thoughts I have at times like this. Glancing around, mutter, “when I return, nothing will be the same. Gee, I hope I come back.” Melodramatic to a fault I am. Patty drops me off at the hospital door at a ridiculously early hour. Did I mention this is during a pandemic so no one can come in and that the hospital is spooky-empty and hushed?? Well, it is. Apocolyptically-quiet. Surreal. Check-in is swift and efficient and a surgery-nurse retrieves me promptly, accompany her to the prep area. this is real?

This unit has a circle of several cubicles, all but three are empty though. Settled in, changing into hospital gown, then I have three hours to ponder the fact that the last time I had surgery was 26 years ago and I am not as young as I used to be, and nowhere near ready to die, and lordy, I am no fan of pain. I feel FINE . . how can something deadly be in me yet I feel this HEALTHY??

In the hours I wait, return to scan-room to see if this thing has reached my lymph nodes. Dark room, humming machine. Same tech lets me watch the screen, bright lights like tiny fireworks become visible. No clue what I am watching.

My appointed time arrives, was about 9:30 a.m. Accompanied by a surgical nurse, I walk down the hallway to the O.R., my IV pole in tow. this isn’t real Three surgical staff are busily prepping. Funny how apprehension makes one awkwardly talkative with strangers, more so than normal. I greet them and cannot shut up, blather, “you know how kids took home tonsils in a jar?? (clutching my chest) you have a gallon jug I can take these home with me?” (yes, I really did say it) Laughter from them, that’s good. Am offered a stool to climb onto the table. I do. My God, to the gallows, ‘girls’

Jettisoned into the Twilight Zone right here. In the time it takes me to scoot, get comfortably horizontal on the table, sterile people descend on me, all over me doing things. Arms, legs . . belt around my abdomen. Am picturing masked-ants. Busy, busy. Big light on the ceiling lowering, settles above my upper torso and head. I feel FINE Am here, but not here. Oh God. Gentle voice to my right, as a mask is fitted over my nose and mouth, “take a couple deep breaths.”

Blackness.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

I’m struggling in deep water, not diving down - but up, shooting to the surface of the water, I need air. Regaining consciousness, a jostling, repeating, “Debbie, wake up. Can you hear me?” Awake. Literal first conscious thought, drenched in relief -

“... NOT DEAD”

Body is being tugged, moved, but I’m not doing it. Realization hits me, where I am and what's happened. Conscious, I no longer feel fine, unrelenting waves of nausea wash over me. I give myself over to whichever medical professional wants to tend to me. They can have me, I don’t want me. Not this me.

End up in a hospital room, no recollection whatsoever how. Silence interrupted only by BP cuff on an ankle, inflating noisily at intervals reminding me I’m alive. Not moving. Lord, what have I done? Ice packs under both arms. Detest feeling this gross. I hang onto the sheets for hours, ride out the nausea.

As terrible as that was, and it was horrendous, it ends abruptly once I am fully awake later in the afternoon. In fact, feel remarkably good - considering. Any pain is well-managed. I can move, even lift my arms. I can walk to the restroom, tend to myself. Am hungry and eat a good dinner. Pleasantly surprised at this half of the day.

Curious. Here’s where I gingerly lift the blanket to get my first look. DD-girls are gone, replaced by a thick layer of bandage all across my chest, tubing, two drains, and . . . oh my lord . . . HOW long has my belly been that size??????! God bless boobs, they divert one’s attention from a myriad of flaws. Geez-louise.

Thank you, Covid-19, for the hospital stay’s solitude, I don’t mind, I welcome not having to share this day with visitors. Am only interrupted intermittently by nurses and the doctor. No big deal. Not much to tell. Post on facebook that I survived. Was released to go home the very next day with surgeon’s, “no restrictions. See you in a week, will have lab results for you then.”

CHAPTER TWELVE

FRIDAY, APRIL 17. HOME. Here’s where it gets funny. Seriously. Humorous. Reality. My youngest, Leah, volunteers to stay for the first few days. Plan on not needing much in the way of assistance. Stubborn. Not too uncomfortable, prop on pillows, watch tv, pain meds.�� First-night, decide my bed is where I will sleep, let her have the couch. Undeterred in the middle of the night, manage to get myself to the bathroom alone. Good for ME!! Ah, but then the sun comes up. Right here I discover Super Woman I am not. Attempt the same maneuver and the stabbing pain angrily asserts, “NOT THIS TIME, SISTER!” Ah, bladder is bossy and insistent. But Pain is in charge. “#*&@*#&$}” a little too loudly (translation) “Leah!! Help!!” She comes trotting and I’m laughing, trapped in my own bed. Arms frozen at my sides, literally cannot move under my own power without an instant excruciating reaction. With urgency (full bladder loudly protesting) instruct her to wring a bed sheet, get to the foot of the bed, hold the ends, let me grab the middle . . . PULL!! It works!! Whew, lesson learned, until I could get up and down on my own unaided, I didn’t sleep there again.

Drains. Grateful to only require two. Three times a day they need emptying. Unceremoniously, Leah’s job. When large portions of flesh are removed, one’s body compensates by attempting to fill the space with fluid, drains are typically inserted to draw off this fluid, speeding recovery. These ‘things’ (drain hoses) are just under my skin across the width of my chest, a stitch holding them in place at the hole (yikes) where they exit on either side. The bulbs at the end of the 12 inch lines are clear grenade-shaped receptacles collecting wound-juice. (you winched at the visual, didn’t you? haha) They get full. Necessary to milk the line first, with sterile gloved fingers of one hand, she grasps and steadies the line where it exits my body, with the other, she slides her pinched fingers down the tubing, pushes the ooze and any clots to the end. Pops the top of the bulb, empties 'ick' into a measuring cup, and logs the amount and color. Squeezes the bulb as she closes the lid so siphon will commence. My only job is to 'enjoy' the vigorous suction. eek

I sit dutifully still on a stool while she goes about her ‘work’, chit-chatting about this and that, am intentionally not watching the gore slipping, dripping into the bulb. She's not hurting me but every now and then will feel a subtle tug, a movement of the tubing. (shudder) Sunday evening she taps the bulb’s bottom on the table, remarking, “darned clot won’t fall through.” (rap, rap, smack) “Eww, that’s gross,” she says, “clot (tap) won’t (tap) let go ( jiggling it, the dangling, stringing bloody blob just hanging there, swaying back and forth).” My skin is warming . . . interesting sensation . . getting hot. Really HOT. She is sitting right next to me, is talking but her voice is fading. Am looking her direction, but she is drifting away in a misty vapor . . . waaaaaaaaaaaay over there now, voice, can’t hear her. Vision going and the room is moving ever so slightly.

I see my girl in slo-mo, she realizes what is happening, "Mom, Mom ... MOM!" (my mouth no longer works, cannot respond) hear her excited, “DAD!!!! Come quick!! Help! Mom’s passing out!!!”

Didn't. (did get to the couch . . sat still for an hour, feet up . . w/ice pack alternating on my neck, forehead) Didn’t vomit, so that's a 'WIN" for the day.

I learn to do it myself once she goes home. No big deal.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

THURSDAY, APRIL 23. A week passes, mostly uneventful. Sick leave, lounging, medicating, tracking excretion of Deb-juice, healing. Tough to remember the days in March and early April when I felt GOOD. I feel terrible. Blah - which to me, IS terrible. No fever, no signs of infection, just a general feeling of malaise. (such a descriptive word, ‘malaise’) Post-op visit, a follow-up with the surgeon. Oldest daughter Jess, chauffeur for the day. The entire drive down to Gallipolis, I imagine they’ll take one look at my sorry self, react in horror, re-admit me immediately. I have to be dying, something has to be terribly wrong. No one can feel this bleak and survive.

Mull my life over for that hour drive, did I live it adequately, what is left that I have not done, am I going to throw up IN or OUT of her car . . oh woe is me . . my thoughts are rambling, disjointed, grim. (BEYOND melodramatic) LOL Get to the hospital, I have to admit I cannot even walk in under my own power. I have no power, drained dry. Jess requests a wheelchair and I feel how I imagine being 150 years old and feeble feels, reliant on a stranger for transport up to the waiting area. Pitiful. I hate this. Too puny to care.

And remember COVID . . Jessica can’t come in with me. My mummified remains parked in a desolate waiting room. sigh I need a transfusion. I need a transplant, I need SOMETHING . . want my life back. Where’d Debbie go??!!

Eventually wheeled into the exam room (decrepit thing that I am) to wait. Surgeon enters, his normal perky self, smiles my direction. I lament the state of (absence of) well-being and inability to go to the bathroom for DAYS. (how embarrassing) “Sweetheart (NO, he did not say 'Sweetheart’) it’s your pain meds doing this to you. STOP THEM.”

huh?????!

Examines the 12-inch incisions on either side of my torso. Both doing well. No stitches to remove, interior stitches will dissolve on their own. Exterior sterie strips will fall off in the next week. He studies my drain-log, then simply remarks, “looks great, amounts are decreasing steadily. You want them (drains) out today?” (glimmer of hope) Instantly agree, so without ceremony and with a quick snip of a stitch and a wiggle of the tube and a firm TUG, one Jackson Pratt drain is out. Nasty thing now coiled on the exam table. OUT!!! The other follows swiftly. Oh dear lord . . feels soooooooo good to be rid of those things. Best part . . expected to have them at least another week, that the extrication of same, would be horrendous. Wasn’t. Didn’t hurt actually. Bandaids applied to my newest holes. No stitch, no nothing. “See ya in a month. No restrictions.” Surprised he didn’t pat me on my sorry head.

Trip home is infinitely better, envision the tunnel and light shining in the distance. aaaahhhhh

Not another pain pill crosses these lips . . the man is a genius. (epilogue: my decline was indeed induced by the pain meds . . out of my system - recovering was a breeze. TIP: get off them as soon as you can)

P.S. Almost forgot the most important part!!!!! Lab results!!! Geez . .the tunnel, the light . . THIS IS WHY!!! TODAY I learn I am CANCER-FREE‼️‼️‼️ Well, I would hope so!! Nearly six pounds of flesh sacrificed / removed . . CLEAN MARGINS around the tumor. Lymph nodes are CLEAR!!! Sentinel node removal a bit messy, seven others unable to be separated from it, come out as well. Sobering fact is that I, nor the surgeon, felt a telltale lump - but it was there. In black and white, sobering words, “STAGE TWO”. Appointment with oncologist in May to discuss options. Why??? Here's the thing about breast cancer, sometimes IT COMES BACK.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Want to tell you the euphoria was warmly welcome and long-lasting. Yes and no, in that order. Sharing with friends that surgeon ‘got it all’ was met with copious genuine exclamations of ‘thank God!’ and ‘hallelujah’. For good reason. Pathology report of clean margins and clear nodes is a positive outcome. IT’S GONE!! And like me at this juncture, believe that’s the end of it. Too few days of relief pass swiftly - the reality that it may not be over, steadily seeps back in as I educate myself. But with a stubborn childlike optimism, trust the oncologist will study my diagnosis, pronounce my journey with this evil thing over. “Deborah, congrats, you’re finished with it and it with you. Have a nice life.” Let’s go with that. I want it.

Just a couple more weeks to find out.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

In the meantime, at home I’m getting bored. ‘Bored’ is WONDERFUL. It’s normalcy. And a strong signal that it’s time for life to go on.

I am well enough to attend to work emails, becoming more frequent as students prepare to leave Athens officially, the stalwart diehards who came back after Spring Break despite the lockdown that commenced mid-March. Boredom, the impetus, that gets me out of the house.

TUESDAY, APRIL 28, 12 days post-op, several days free from pain-killers and feeling almost back to my old self, I slide behind the wheel of my car, new precious pillow between sensitive chest and the seatbelt and drive to work. Man oh man, how I missed 70′s radio . . sing all the way. I last at my desk for 4 hours this first day, mindful to recognize limitations, cut the day short, but go home triumphant.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

THURSDAY, APRIL 30. Meet-my-oncologist day. (mentally mark off THAT on my ‘Life’s List-of-Dreads’) First things first, why am I here??! Surgeon recommends I have a chat with the man . . rule out the need for anything further. Youbetcha. Today is THE. DAY!! Fully expect to be ‘blessed’ and sent on my way . . “Debbie, you were lucky, it’s all gone. Your cancer journey was intense and brief and now it’s over. Go live your life, girl.”

Check in. Hunker down at the back of the vast lobby, comfy chair. I absorb the room. Oh you know I don’t want to, but I do. A few patients are here. One unhealthy looking older lady on a hospital stretcher over there. Another slightly-weathered woman near the wall, wearing a turban. And there’s me. Odd-man out, pain-killers now out of my system: (yes yes, am minus the ‘girls’) full head of thick hair, kinda sorta minimally wrinkly, feeling strong and healthy . . . like me again.

Name called. BP and weight. Perks of the day . . bp is good, especially good for me. Literally-asked-the-nurse-to-repeat-the-numbers good. And am down 10 lbs. I’ll take it!! Gee, this visit is headed in the right direction!

Lead to an exam room, given a questionnaire. Ugh. Bottom of the page. Please list details of immediate family members . . . health issues, explanation. Here we go . . Melvin / dad / died in 2000 @64 / lung cancer (scribble to the side ‘life time smoker’ . . like it somehow negates the dying) Tim / brother / died in 2000 @39 / leukemia (again, the scribbling, master mechanic, hands in chemicals) Stephen / brother / died in 1957 @6 weeks / S.I.D.S. Bottom of this page is an OCD nightmare, ink scribbles in every direction, sad that I ran of space. Add, “Cheryl / sister / is 61 / @60 stage IV breast cancer (’maintaining’ . . didn’t add, but wanted to, “THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!”) Janice / mom / is 81. Terry / brother / is 55.” Finishing up, as MY oncologist enters the room.

Brief introductions . . Cursory physical exam of surgical site.

Oncologist reviews the information I provide, studies my chart. Two verbal inquires of me -

do you or have you ever smoked? “no”

do you drink alcohol and how much? “rarely”

He pauses. He can ascertain I’m not fudging the details. “Never?” he queries again. Shake my head in the negative. Sincerely he adds, “this makes NO sense. Risk factors are not there for breast cancer. No sense at all.”

Dr. Hamid relates there is a genetic test that can be performed using my tumor tissue, (eewwww, they still have it!!) the results determining whether or not chemo therapy would be of any benefit to me. Again - I am confused why a person who is now disease-free, minus seven pounds of her best flesh, needs ANYTHING additionally. I consent. He jots down for me the chemo recipe that I would receive if it’s indicated. Metaphysically burns my fingertips as I take the slip from him. (chemo??! stifling a scream) If not, I would be prescribed a pill to stop my body's remaining production of estrogen. Anastrazole is the drug of choice, there are a few common side effects: bone/joint pain, fatigue, etc. Majority of women experience no side effects of any kind, he assures. (mental note of an over-achiever: I will be one of THOSE) Dr. adds, “Lab work takes about two weeks to get back. Come see me in two weeks please. Oh wait . . you drive quite a distance to get here, right? Just call my office on May 13, we can handle this over the phone.”

uh huh . . . so much for being blessed and sent on my merry way. CHEMO, sub-set item under 1. CANCER on ‘Life’s List-of-Dreads’. TRULY . . . there is nothing I enjoy MORE, than waiting on test results. (epic eye-roll right here, stomach twists in knot)

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

This is the last chapter of ‘65 DAYS IN MAY’ (today it’s February 25, 2021) I am a procrastinator. Am still me, after all. My instructions were to call oncologist’s office on Wednesday, May 13, 2020, to learn whether or not chemo therapy was the next step in my cancer treatment. By now I have little recollection of the blur of days between April 30 and when Dr. Hamid called me with my genetic testing results, my Oncotype score. Every day seemed endless, recovering well, feeling progressively more like myself. I let work duties bulldoze me through those days, thoroughly occupied. I was thankful to have nearly 300 college students moving-out and moving-in on May 3rd. Grateful to be bone weary at the end of each day, having little time to thrash about the prospect of chemo - that, and staying safe as COVID rampaged.

TUESDAY, MAY 12, at my desk, alone in a pandemic-locked-down office. One last day not having to call, know anything. Ignorant bliss. Phone rings, spy caller I.D., uh-oh, cancer center. I stop breathing. Lift receiver, ‘Hello, this is Debbie.’ Not breathing. HERE WE GO (9+ months later now, still recall the catch of my breath and pounding heart. Am not exaggerating when I tell you time froze.) Dr. Hamid’s voice was soft, he wasted no time relating my Oncotype score plus chance of recurrence is low and chemo is not necessary in my situation. He’ll call in an Anastrazole script for me, it cuts my chance of recurrence to less-than 5%. Only question I had, “what exactly was my number?” 17 “See you again in 6 months,” as he ends the call. Stare at the phone receiver clenched in my hand.

NO CHEMO . . with exorbitant gusto, I EXHALE

Celebration fireworks in my head, both hands in the air, stifle an audible, triumphant HALLELUJAH! For the moment, issued a reprieve. I soak it up. Once composed, swivel chair to my right, run my palms slowly, purposefully over the desk calendar, lift the pages, studying, absorbing. Begin to count . . . .

STINT IN PURGATORY - 65 DAYS IN MAY

EPILOGUE

(stay tuned)

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timegal25 · 5 years

Text

The Odd Side of Youtube

YouTube, the popular video sharing website, has been around for over a decade. It’s had it’s over abundance of videos themed around Fortnite, “emotional apology videos” stuffed to the brim with ad revenue, a disturbingly high number of poorly animated nursery rhymes, and surprisingly graphic skits targeted at kids. But it’s also been an outlet for creative expression and connection for those outside the mainstream. For a socially awkward and isolated kid who found companionship in watching YouTube, fandom videos offered a sense of connection, belonging and reassurance that there were “odd people” out there who shared his interests and passions.

While the vast majority of people know about things like “Gangnam Style” and “Let’s Plays,” not as many can say they have extensive knowledge of the various niche fandom videos that make up a good portion of the website itself. These are the odd clips that either you only come across by looking up directly, or have randomly pop up in your recommended feed with no real reason as to why. In my case, I remember a majority of these from watching them when I was younger, and then rediscovering them when looking deep into the site on late night nostalgia binges. It’s a common hobby of mine, and it usually leads to me finding some of the strangest things as a result. Oddly, a great many of these strange finds just so happen to include Sonic the Hedgehog.

Let me preface this by saying what follows is in no way an attack on any of the creators of these videos, nor is it a call for others to go out and harass them. In fact, that’s part of the point. Many of the people who create some of the more odd or innovative content on YouTube are doing it as creative expression of who they are or what interests them. It’s a place to express a part of themselves, and it takes courage to do it. It’s easy for those who aren’t so brave to attack the creators. I actually enjoy a lot of the content I’ll be referring to because the people behind it are genuine and clearly having a ton of fun making it. This is all done in good fun, and shows just how strange and odd fandom culture as a whole can be. And for some of these innovators who dared to put themselves out there, it paid off big time just by how fondly remembered they are by those who talk about them. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s begin.

Part One: Hedgehogs and Dragon Balls

To start things off, let’s look at a project that is fully animated. Before YouTube, there was the popular website Newgrounds, a place where you could watch videos, play games, and just mess around. This is where a lot of influential and important creators got their start by posting their little animations on the site. On August 14, 2006, user Chakra-X (real name Aaron Cowdery), posted the first part in a three-part movie called Sonic: Nazo Unleashed with part two coming a week later and part three following in 2007. All three parts were later uploaded all into one HD remaster under the title of Sonic: Nazo Unleashed DX on YouTube in 2014. The film follows Sonic and his friends as they take on the mysterious and powerful Nazo, an unused form of Sonic from a promotional video for the anime Sonic X.

Now what makes this special from say the dozens of Sonic themed fanfics that follow a somewhat similar premise? Chakra-X did something no one had dared to do before. The animation was very heavily inspired by the anime megahit Dragon Ball Z and its then airing sequel Dragon Ball GT . The sound effects used and the presentation of special moves were ripped right from the series and even parts from the climax are just ideas presented in the show such as two characters fusing to make one new powerful being. In 2006, it was unheard of to see Sonic characters perform such high speed anime action. What was even more notable is that it was created by one single guy on the internet. The professionally produced Sonic X TV show that was airing at that time paled by comparison, even with a team of professional animators with high tech equipment.

In the decade since Nazo Unleashed originally came out, Chakra-X has been a part of various animated collabs and now works for Titmouse Inc , an animation company that has done work for companies like Warner Bros., Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, and even Disney. What was even more inspiring for me, Chakra-X is a young black man . This was the first I’d become aware of anyone who looked like me being a much sought after animator. It told me that I could be him, I could be in his position if I put in as much effort and love into a creative project. And with how amazing the upcoming sequel he’s working on looks, I feel that kind of hopeful inspiration even more.

The next piece I’m going to examine is another well known series in the Sonic fandom community that also is heavily influenced by Dragon Ball Z. While it is also animated and is full of high speed action packed fights, this one has its own amazing identity. The series I’m talking about is the always spectacular Super Mario Bros. Z by Mark Haynes, aka Alvin Earthworm, starting in 2006 and going until 2009. While this series was originally created on Newgrounds, it’s real exposure and popularity came from being uploaded to YouTube.

The series follows Mario, Sonic and friends as they go on an epic race against time to secure the powerful chaos emeralds from the clutches of the evil Mecha Sonic. Much like Nazo Unleashed, the influence of Dragon Ball Z series is anything but subtle, with the plot of “good guys need to find powerful objects before bad guys” being one of the key ways to describe Dragon Ball as a whole. One of the key things that makes this stand out on its own is the fact that this entire series is animated using sprites from the games. Just about every character that wasn’t made specifically for the series has their models taken right from their games. Mario and Luigi for example come from the Mario and Luigi role playing game (rpg) series on the Gameboy Advance (GBA), while the Sonic and Shadow sprites come from Sonic Battle also on the GBA. An extra step is taken by having the characters act like they do in their retrospective series. Mario and Luigi never actually use dialogue boxes in their games, with other characters still understanding them. The same is true here with the brothers’ words never actually being seen on screen. Going that extra step to emulate the games made the videos feel more authentic.

I was relatively young and new to the internet when Super Mario Brothers Z (SMBZ) started popping up. I wasn’t fully aware of what sprite animations were, as they weren’t as easy to make or common back then as they are now, so I would see all the action and Sonic and Mario on screen together and I thought that it was an actual game. I wanted to play it so badly on my Gameboy Advance SP. On one trip to a Gamestop, my young self boldly walked up to the lady working the register and asked “Hey, do you have Super Mario Bros Z ?” She gave me this look that said either she knew exactly what I was talking about or didn’t have a single clue at all and just nicely said that they didn’t. I went on to repeat this at several more gaming stores before I realized that it wasn’t a real game, nor did it ever claim to be. It was then that I started looking for games I wanted myself because sometimes just saying a title out loud can make you look like the strangest person around.

What made the SMBZ series so attractive and so entirely different from anything found on YouTube at the time was the animated action. You might think that since the series is using pre-made assets and models, that there must be some limitations on what can be done. However, with a bit of help from some custom new sprites as well as some fast editing and sound effects, things can get insane . Being able to translate the speed and intensity of a Dragon Ball Z fight is hard enough to copy with regular animation, yet Mark was able to do this with 2 dimensional sprites and flashing lights. And even that pales in comparison to the pure adrenaline of fights concerning the series main antagonist, Mecha-Sonic.

Originally starting off as a mostly side boss in Sonic and Knuckles , Mecha Sonic became a fan favorite thanks to this series. Like any good antagonist, he can easily prove himself as a threat to the heroes while also being able to take the hits himself. This comes across easily in the series most popular episode, Brawl on a Vanishing Island . This 30 minute episode has a variety of characters going up against each other, but the mood quickly turns the second Mecha Sonic arrives and absorbs the power of the Chaos Emeralds. What follows is an absolutely brutal beatdown of another team of antagonists, the Axem Rangers X. The speed, the sound effects, alongside an amazing remix of Sonic and Knuckles’ Doomsday Zone playing in the background, this is a simply amazing bit of animation that can’t really be put into words without it sounding absolutely ridiculous. And much like with Nazo Unleashed, so much of this was done by just one guy.

After episode 8 in 2009, things basically ended on a cliffhanger with the series being presumed over. Haynes had his own life and things to deal with, and something that took up so much time to make could be easily seen as poor use of it. In the years following, many others tried their hand at sprite animations with heavy action scenes with that becoming its very own subgenre on YouTube. Then, in 2016, Mark made a glorious return with the first episode of what was basically a reboot of the series. Fans loved it, amazed to see how far things had come. And then..there was basically nothing else. Originally, Haynes had a Patreon set up so that fans could fund him making this as well as possibly being a way for him to make this his job. It was shut down, most likely due to him directly saying it was going towards the series and Nintendo seeing it as someone else profiting off their IP. With any funding that could go towards rewarding all this time and effort being taken away, as well as Haynes having more important personal things and depression, it is unlikely that we’ll see an update anytime soon. It’s been three years since the first episode went up on YouTube, and while I still hope someday he’ll return, but as someone who knows that forcing yourself to make something others want even if you don’t want to is like, the personal happiness and health of Mark Haynes is so much more important. He’s already left an amazing legacy on the net, and the stuff he’s given us is already great enough as is.

And now to go from flash animation, to sprite animation, we’re reaching the next logical step. Out of all the series discussed in this part, this one is my absolute favorite. And it is one of the weirdest things out there. Another crossover series featuring the world of Mario and Sonic, alongside a few notable others. One that’s full of action and character, and it’s all animated in PowerPoint (no, I’m not kidding), this is Chocobro Cinemas’ The “Dimension” Saga. Strap in, things are gonna get really, really weird.

The series started in 2007, with Dimension Mix-Up as it followed various characters from Super Mario Bros, Sonic the Hedgehog, Frogger, Invader Zim, and Calvin and Hobbes. That was all 100 percent serious, and to the credit of both this and Super Mario Bros Z, there is a feeling of self-awareness running throughout the whole series. I unironically love this entire series from start to finish, mostly just due to the fact that there’s so much creativity and love being put into something that most people would just brush aside as another cheap fanfiction. When I originally found this back in 2007, it was like the most amazing thing ever. The computer I had at the time took forever to not only load flash animations, but even playing them took like 5 years for just a few seconds. I hadn’t really known what Newgrounds was fully back then either, so Super Mario Bros Z also wasn’t something I watched at the time, and I came across this. An action filled adventure that had characters not only from Sonic and Mario, but also Invader Zim which was still super huge at time, and Calvin and Hobbes?! To a megafan of all those things who would actually spend their time on Fanfiction.net reading stories about this stuff (Yes, even Calvin and Hobbes), this was like the holy grail. Also Frogger was there, so...that was cool?

This story should not work, these characters all being together on screen expecting viewers to care for them all should not work, this idea of using powerpoint back in 2007 to simulate animation of any kind should not work. Yet somehow...it does. Even with the fact that this is clearly just a camera recording a screen at this point, there’s something rather entertaining about it all. And the action isn’t half bad for something made with a tool that clearly was never meant to be used in this way. It can actually be creative with how some fight scenes are done. The whole of episode 6 is able to show off a giant robot boss battle with some pretty decent speed, while episode 8 can trick viewers with its looping backgrounds. The best part of this comes just from watching how not only does the quality of the video improve over time, but so does the writing and the story. Dimension Takeover and Dimension Obliteration are amazing and admittedly addicting watches that have the same level of love and care put into them as the previous two series discussed in this. Giving the fans such high quality action and adventures while also doing a really great job of making all the interactions feel like they’re from their source material. Well, at least as close and one can get when you have a hedgehog talking to an imaginary tiger and a group of cartoon frogs. I can’t say thank you enough times to the people who’ve made all their series, as my love of writing stories based on my own favorite series probably wouldn’t be as strong today. And hey, one can surprisingly do a good job with powerpoint. At least it wasn’t just a slide show.

Part Two: These literally are just slide shows!

Sticking to the topic of Sonic, he seems to be a super popular subject for crossovers. Besides Mario, he and his friends have appeared in both official and nonofficial meetups with all kinds of pop culture favorites. The one series that seems to dominate the realm of Sonic crossovers online is My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic . The series itself has had quite the impressive run of nine years, with its final episodes airing this year. What probably would have been seen as just another cheap product placement by the majority of people if it hadn’t been for the rather large audience of grown up fans that for a time basically ruled the internet. While in the later years the fan base has shrunk as all fandoms do, there are still those that happily enjoy watching cartoon ponies and doing various things related to them online, myself included.

Now how does a super fast and cocky blue hedgehog that saves the day from an evil egg shaped man and his army of robots have any kind of connection to a cartoon about six colorful and talented ponies as they go through their lives learning about and solving problems with the power of friendship? Well, both are series that have similar characters with Sonic and Rainbow Dash both being blue,fast, and cocky. Both series deal with giant world ending disasters by using powerful gems and the power of teamwork. And both believe in the real power of friendship. So, yeah. There’s bound to be a ton of fan series based on seeing these two worlds meet up. And hoo boy, Youtube sure seems to love hosting a ton of them.

The common theme in all the Sonic/My Little Pony Crossovers in this part is that they’re all going to be slideshows. There might be a few clips from the shows or games, maybe a piece of fanart or two, but 99 percent of the stuff in these videos is just going to be static text. Let’s start with the...highest quality one of the three brought up in this part, Sonic X Equestria by Speedstar Productions . The plot is nothing new. Eggman shows up to wreak havoc and Sonic must team up with the cast of My Little Pony, or Mane Six as they’re called, to help stop him. When I said most of these are just slideshows... I wasn’t kidding. The entire series will go from random screen cap to random promotional images, with text overlaid on the bottom. There is no original voice acting either, with the only voices that occasionally can be heard coming from the clips or sound bytes. There is no promised sense of consistency either, as photos of the characters can be pulled from different seasons, games, comics and shows all together. In this, Sonic is supposed to have his normal modern look but some screenshots are from Sonic Boom which is a show with different designs. Another example of this comes from shots of Twilight Sparkle. This show takes place in the My Little Pony world after Twilight becomes the princess of friendship and gets her own wings. Even shots from the first episode will use photos of her without them. It’s never actually a thing that matters to the show, as it acts like everything is on model, and that we can perfectly see everything that’s going on.

Another thing that this and many others like it seem to have in common is the idea that Sonic is the one doing all the work, while all the ponies just kinda...watch in the background. Sure, Twilight will pitch in with her magic every once in a while, but if Sonic’s taking on Eggman? He’s mostly going in solo. Sure, these ponies have easily taken on things like chaos incarnate, and powerful tyrants with black magic. But a man in a giant robot suit? Too unpredictable . Sure, one could argue that it’s because the mech being used in the fight only has images of Sonic fighting it...but in a later episode , the girls join in a fight that’s entirely animated! I shouldn’t be mad about this, yet I am!

Though..despite the rant, I still find myself enjoying watching this series. I can’t fully explain if it’s ironic or if it’s unironic. Maybe it comes from the fact that everyone still acts in character to their on-screen counter parts, leading to interactions that fans wanted to see. We want to see the ponies talk to Sonic characters, and help take down Eggman. The use of actual pictures from the shows and games helps too, making us help visualize it as if it were an actual episode. Maybe it comes from the fact that it feels like something I would watch in the early days of Youtube. The kinda low effort yet also decent attempt of trying to make events appear coherent in some way, even if the images shown aren’t the most in continuity. Though, episode 11 is literally the Shadic vs Nazo fight from Nazo Unleashed. Those things aside...this is still kind of a guilty pleasure watch that I’ll binge from time to time.

Sometime last year, I was looking up Nazo Unleashed videos late one night, due to that time bringing out a large sense of nostalgia for days gone. As I was looking, I saw a thumbnail that stuck out to me. Or rather...a title that stuck out to me, as well as a runtime that had my interest set to max.

The Adventures of Sonic in Equestria Nazo Unleashed The Movie HD , by Adam Selvig, is a title that feels like it should be one of those videos that promises an upload of a current movie in HD that only links to scam sites that will give your computer a virus. It isn’t that. This is a slideshow that’s the length of a movie. College lectures aren’t this long. The best way to describe this one is that Sonic and the ponies must come together to defeat Nazo as well Tempest Shadow, a character from the My Little Pony movie. Also, Sonic and Rainbow Dash have a daughter called Sondash, which is literally just art of a child Rainbow Dash. This series is weird. Another strange thing is that a lot of the channels posting Sonic / My Little Pony stuff in series like this...usually have around 1K subs. That’s nothing to any major Youtuber, but the idea that even just one thousand people subscribe to watch this stuff as soon as it comes out..is just mind blowing.

This film is part of a series, one that started all the way back in January of 2018. The playlist for this thing says that the series as of March 4th, 2019...is 103 videos long?! And with seemingly all of them in the 20 minute range...the question becomes, how long has Selvig been working on this thing, and does he have others help him with it? And again...why is it always Sonic that seems to be doing everything around here? Are the ponies just lazy now that an outsider is here?

The odd thing is that there are so many Sonic/My Little Pony crossover videos on Youtube, but when looked into, so many of them are the exact same content. Stills and transparent photos with clear backgrounds with text overlaid. And so many are able to get these creators at least a few hundred subscribers. In a surprisingly deep sea of similar executions, are there any left that stand out above the rest? Good news, there is at least one series that goes in another direction. In more mixed news, well…

This is Harmony and Chaos by Michael Evans. While originally popping up as text on gradient background sometime in 2017, the whole series is now being voiced over by its creator. That’s all this is. Text on a background while one man narrates over it in various voices. And for the most part, there isn’t much there at all in terms of action. Now, I’m only nine episodes in this seemingly sixty plus episode run with multiple seasons series, so I might be wrong. The main focus of this series is romance, and boy is there a lot of it. If there’s a male character from Sonic and a female character from My Little Pony that interact a lot in this thing, there’s a pretty good chance they’ll end up smooching somewhere on down the line. This sounds exactly like what many seem to see fan bases as general as, writing overly long amounts of fan fiction that are also chock to the brim with romance and needless drama. In this series, Rainbow Dash is getting a divorce from her husband who she thought was cheating on her, when really he only made it seem that way so that she wouldn’t have to know that he was dying from a deadly disease. It’s a move right out of the soap opera playbook.

Despite all of this, I find myself coming back to all of these series and watching them in huge chunks. It comes from a sense of odd curiosity on how the story is going to play out. It also helps that the people behind this stuff seem like just genuinely nice people that want to post their creations online and share it with the world. It’s just that the stuff they make is really weird, not bad, just strange. And even then, it’s not the most strangest thing on the net that’s out there.

Part Three: Big Adventures, Bigger Casts

The best way to start this final part was with an image. An image that perfectly tells someone everything they need to know, as well as absolutely nothing at all. Welcome to Pooh’s Adventures , a seemingly endless number of movies and tv shows that are “edited” to include characters from Winnie the Pooh, My Little Pony, Transformers, Thomas the Tank Engine and so, so many more. I put edited in quotes because really, does this count as editing in any way, shape or form? To give a basic plot outline of just about every single Pooh’s/Thomas’/Insert Character name here’s adventure, large group of characters are inserted into popular movie or show, where they help the main character of said movie or show against the antagonist who is now usually joined by other villains from various forms of media. Rinse and Repeat for every movie ever with vague hints of events from previous adventures running into this one. Take any movie, and there’s a good chance there’s at least the idea for a Pooh’s Adventures on it. Like for example Winnie The Pooh vs. Jaws , which while not a real movie as of this writing does have a devoted page on the fan wiki . And it seems to promise quite the cast of characters.

It can actually be somewhat hard in trying to find some of these, due to the fact that they’re just full movies with other copyrighted clips put in at random intervals. Those that are still up on Youtube seem to be the ones that use the most obscure of movies as their source . And just like with the Sonic/Mlp stuff, all of these channels seem to have at least a few thousand subscribers thanks to it. Of all the adventures that still remain on Youtube, Winnie the Pooh Goes to Hotel Mario / Pooh’s Adventures of Batman Forever is the one I’m most proud still remains. There is no connection between the two, besides the fact that both Hotel Mario and Batman Forever are both seen as surreal experiences that have very little connections to their source and are enjoyed in a “so bad it’s good” way.

There are still ways to find both older and newer uploads of the various adventures online. Many of the members will just upload their older stuff to Google Drive or Dropbox , and more recently, a lot of uploads are being moved to Pandora.tv, a mostly Korean based website where they can run ads on the video.

The wiki for this fandom is massive, with there being over thirty five thousand articles as of the time of this being written, with new ones being added or updated seemingly every few minutes. Most fantasy wikis can’t reach numbers that high! Though, most of the pages on it are bare-bones with only a single line or two for a ton of characters while others are pages clearly ripped right from other fandom wikis. There’s also ideas for series that are just the title and then nothing else, along with transcripts and posters put next to dozens of dead or empty links. For a site that seems so bloated and full, it’s actually pretty empty and hollow upon closer look.

I wanted to share all of this because so much of this resonates with me in some way, even Pooh’s Adventures , since I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought up crossovers with insanely large casts that really should have nothing to do with each other.I guess in a way...I saw these all as the things I wanted to make but never knew how to. I’ve always wanted to animate, to tell my stories with these characters that I know and love to as many people as possible, to hear their feedback on all of it. That’s why I got so passionate talking about all certain moments or episodes, it’s all the things I would do! They’re people just like me, and that’s why I wish Mark Haynes the best in his life, why I’ll say the guys who work on the Sonic and My Little Pony seem like nice people. That’s why I’ll be so amazed by someone having a thousand subs or more. I see myself in these creations and the experiences of their creators. The pains of depression, the joy of seeing how their work has influenced others, the effort and care put into these things. I want to see them succeed and be supported, because that shows me that I can succeed too.

#informal essay #crossover #sonic the hedgehog #pooh's adventures #smbz #Super Mario Bros Z #sonic #super mario #Mario bros #nazo unleashed #My Little Pony #my little pony friendship is magic #dimension mix up #youtube #essay #calvin and hobbes #invader zim #fandom

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fizzyhosh · 6 years

Text

Binding

Chapter Six

Summary: Remus likes things predictable, orderly, and punctual. His comfort-zone is compromised when he meets (Y/N), a girl who is indifferent, spontaneous, and not outwardly friendly. Despite their obvious differences, he can’t seem to stay away from her, even when they aren’t working side-by-side at the most boring job on the planet.

Word Count: 3.3k

A/N: OMG WHAT A WILD RIDE! I’m so happy y’all have stuck with this story until the end! It’s been a slow af burn but the final part is finally here! I hope you all love it as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it! Shout out to @swellwriting and @fortisfiliae for being my betas for this last part, go give them a follow!!

•••••

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•••••

bind·ingˈbīndiNG

noun

1. a strong covering holding the pages of a book together.

adjective

1. (of an agreement or promise) involving an obligation that cannot be broken.

•••••

As expected, Remus went straight to his room when he got home and locked himself in to avoid James and Sirius. Well, more specifically, he abruptly walked inside the apartment, taking in short, shallow breaths that James recognized as 'panic', ignored the guys as they asked a million questions, locked his bedroom door behind him, pushed his small dresser in front of the door like a barricade, and fell on his bed to cry.

He felt like a five-year-old but didn't care. He royally messed up. He switched back-and-forth between crying silently, his shoulders shaking from the massive sobs, and letting the exhaustion take over and falling asleep.

When he woke up after a few hours of this routine, a soft knock sounded on his door, followed by a concerned, "Rem?"

Remus ignored the voice, his back to the door, until he realized who it was. He rolled off the bed and dragged his feet to the wood separating him and Lily. Shaking his head at how dramatic he had been, he nudged his dresser out of the way and cracked open the door slightly, looking down at the girl.

"Hey," she said with sweetness laced in her voice. No wonder James was in love with her. Two words had been spoken and he already felt a little calmer. Her eyes flickered down to the dresser and she frowned. “Did... you barricade the door?”

"What are you doing here?" Remus mumbled.

"James told me you've been in your room since you got home a few hours ago. Can I come in?"

"I'm not particularly fond of the idea of guests right now."

"Let me rephrase that, then. I'm coming into your room so we can talk."

With a deep sigh, Remus stepped slightly to the right, allowing just enough space for her to walk into the room. Lily pushed past him, unbothered that he was dramatically pouting and sighing as a way to tell her he was annoyed by company. She knew. She didn't care. Lily sat on his bed, crossed her legs, and waited until he joined her—which took a few moments because he was dragging his feet still—before clearing her throat. "Spill it, Remus."

Remus shook his head. "It's nothing-"

"I don't appreciate it when you lie to me. I'm trying to help you because clearly you're spiraling and when you spiral, it's never good. I can't help you if you don't let me."

So he did. He told her about the girl at the bookstore and how he visited the library because of her and how that day, she found out and was repulsed by him.

After Remus finished, now having more tears on his face than before, Lily sighed and pulled him into a hug. "Even though she has a boyfriend, I felt like we were getting somewhere. Maybe not romantically, but I felt comfortable around her. She was starting to become one of my best friends."

"Have you talked to her?"

"No," he said as he pulled away from her. "And I'm not going to. I don't want to scare her more than I already have. She's probably already blocked my number."

"I highly doubt that. She was probably just caught off-guard because she didn't know you liked her, but I don't think she's going to call the police on you anytime soon."

Remus didn't say anything.

"You don't have to come to my party tomorrow. I'm sure you didn't want to anyway, but just saying, I won't be offended. I know you like to watch movies when you're like this."

"James is still trying to get me to go."

"In that case, you are officially uninvited to my party. Now he can't make you go because I won't let you in at the door."

Remus smiled lightly. "Thanks, Lily. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me."

The redhead smiled brightly and kissed his cheek. "I love you, Rem. Don't think too hard about Y/N or you'll overthink it again. Just talk to her at work on Monday." She stood up after squeezing his shoulder and left without another word.

___

Thanks to Lily's kind words and even kinder act of uninviting him to her party, Remus was able to stay in his room and wallow from dawn to dusk the following day.

He did, however, bravely decide to send a text to Y/N, just to see if he was still blocked. If she responded, maybe he could see how she was feeling about everything and panic accordingly.

To Y/N

Sorry about yesterday. Hope you can give me a chance to explain myself better.

*Message Delivered*

He sighed and set his phone down, close enough to feel the vibration if he got a text back, but far enough away that he wasn't obsessing over it.

He glanced at the book on his nightstand and frowned. It was the most recent recommendation and he actually was interested in it when Y/N described it to him. He leaned over and picked it up, resuming from where he read last, which wasn't far from the title page.

It was a book he heard a lot about, being a classic novel and all, but had never felt the need to read. It was pretty good. Being a period piece, it forced him to focus on what the words were trying to say instead of worrying about Y/N and what she was doing. She had mentioned that today was her anniversary, so he really didn't want to think about her and her boyfriend.

"Moony?" James tapped on the door and Remus grunted in response. The door cracked open and James' head popped in. "We're leaving soon. Get ready."

"'M not going," he mumbled, pulling on his bottom lip as his eyes scanned the words on the page.

"Yes you are. Put your book down."

"Are you my dad now? I'm not going. Lily uninvited me anyway."

"What? Why?"

"So you couldn't force me to go."

"Oh, come on, she told us about what happened. Sirius and I agree that a party will help you get your mind off Y/N."

"Honestly, James, my mind was off her until you said her name. Besides, parties don't do that for me."

"Because you don't get drunk enough. Here's the thing. If you come, you can get hammered and forget everything and I'll look after you to make sure you're safe. I won't touch a drop of alcohol."

"Yeah, until you ditch me to woo Lily."

"I can multitask," he said with a smile.

"I'd much rather wallow in my room until the manager of the library fires me for not showing up to work. Unless Y/N recommends she fire me sooner."

"No. I'm not going to let you just sit here feeling sorry for yourself. You liked a girl and she rejected you? Suck it up. You weren't and aren't a stalker. All you did was visit a public place often while you built up the courage to talk to someone. You've done nothing wrong and if she thinks you have, she has to deal with the fact that she turned down a brilliant bloke like you."

Remus stayed silent as James stared at him. After a few moments, he groaned and closed the door, leaving Remus alone. James was never very patient, and he didn't want to yell at his friend, so he figured it best to leave before he could.

It was nice being home alone. He was able to wander into the kitchen and get food for the first time since he got home, without the chance to getting interrogated by his well-intentioned but stubbornly nosy mates. He kept his book in his left hand, worried that if he took his eyes of the difficult-to-understand dialogue for even a second, he'd start thinking about all his problems again. He navigated the pantry with his right hand until he found a water bottle and a row of crackers.

After plopping on the couch with his new snack on his lap, Remus was able to settle back into a faster reading pace, his brain no longer fighting to multitask.

His eyes flicked over the edge of the book to read the name that popped up on his phone screen. He had an incoming call from James. When the notification went away, his phone told him he had already tried calling twice and Sirius had called once. It wasn't until Lily's contact picture popped up that he answered the phone, knowing it had to be serious if she wanted to call as well.

"What is it, Lily?"

"It's James. You gotta come."

"I already told you I'm not going to that bloody party—"

"Mate. You have to come."

Remus heard shuffling before Lily's voice replaced James'. "Remus. You are invited to my party. Now come. I mean it, you'll be sorry if you don't."

"How's that?"

"There's someone here you're going to want to talk to."

"Are you lot trying to set me up?"

"No, Remus. It's her. She's here."

"...What?"

"Get over here."

She hung up and Remus slowly lowered the phone from his ear. It suddenly felt like he wasn't in control of his body as he stood up and changed his clothes, making sure he looked presentable. He ran around the house looking for his shoes, his favorite jean jacket, and his wallet and keys. A million questions raced through his head as he drove to Lily's house.

Why hadn't she texted him back? That meant she didn't want to see him, right?

In that case, why was he driving to see her? Maybe she did want to see him? Why would she go to Remus' friends' party if she had no intention of ever seeing him again? Probably because she thought he wouldn't be there because he ranted about how much he hated parties.

Also, why wasn't she on a date with her boyfriend on their anniversary? Or maybe this is their date? That's a pretty lousy date.

Remus' hands shook as he pulled up to the house, parking on the curb and taking a moment to catch his breath.

In all of Remus' life, mostly in the last five years of being friends with James and Sirius, he had only been to four parties that had no real occasion. These were the kind of parties that would get out of hand quickly and therefore were the kind that Remus despised. Unfortunately, Lily's party had no attached occasion -- no birthday, Bar Mitzvah, wedding, baby shower or anything remotely party-worthy was happening.

It had been an hour since the party started which meant it was definitely going to be crowded inside. How would he ever find Y/N in that mess of people?

As he walked across the lawn to the front door, he made a plan. Or, attempted to. Maybe he should act like he'd been there the whole time so if he happened to bump into her, he wouldn't seem like he'd been stressing for the last 32 hours. Or he should say screw it and search every corner of the house for her?

As soon as he opened the front door, Lily and James were by his side and all logic and planning had left his brain.

"Where?" he asked simply, not waiting for pleasantries.

Lily gestured to the back porch with her head and James pat his back. "You got this, mate. I think she might have been looking for you."

Lily smacked his arm. "Don't tell him that! You might get his hopes up, you absolute buffoon."

James cleared his throat. "Right, sorry."

"I'll see you guys later," Remus said as he brushed past them and pushed his way to the back door. What was he going to say? What if her boyfriend was there? Remus would have to just ditch right? Either that or get his face pounded in by some bloke he'd never met.

He took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his unruly hair. As soon as he stepped outside, it was quieter, although there was still a fair amount of people outside. He instantly spotted her, sitting alone—bless the heavens—with her back to him.

He slowly walked up and stopped when he was a few feet away from the outdoor furniture she sat on. He cleared his throat and she turned slightly.

Whatever reaction he expected from her when she saw him—anger, horror, grief, sadness—was replaced with a look of nonchalance.

"Took you long enough to get here. What sort of friend is an hour and a half late to their best friends' party?"

Remus was taken aback but took advantage of the fact that she didn't seem pissed at him. "The sort that despised parties?"

"Then why are you here?"

He took a seat next to her, leaving enough space so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable. "I could ask you the same thing. I was told that you were here. And I wanted to see for myself, I suppose."

"Well whoever told you that was telling the truth."

"So, why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you here? Shouldn't you be celebrating your anniversary with your boyfriend? Who, by the way, still doesn't have a name."

Y/N paused before shaking her head. "And he'll never get one. Because we broke up."

"What?" Remus stuttered but tried covering up his shock. He looked at her, as she continued to look out at something in front of her.

"Yup. About five hours ago, I think. I remembered your friend Lily was having a party so I wandered around until I found it. I knew around where you lived and figured she couldn't be far."

"Why didn't you just... ask me?"

"Oh, my phone broke. Well, it got smashed by a less-than-thrilled ex-lover of mine. He doesn't take break-ups too well apparently."

Remus frowned. "That explains why you didn't answer my text. Unless you're mad at me and wouldn't have responded anyway...?"

"Why would I be mad at you, Remus?" Y/N sighed, similar to a disappointed mother.

His eyebrows knitted together as he played with his hands. "Well... you know... I was a creep?"

"No you weren't," she said sternly as she finally looked at him. He had forgotten how her gaze made him feel, as this was the first time she looked directly at him since he had walked outside. His insides became jelly and he didn't know where to put his hands. Why did one person have such a powerful stare?

"I wasn't?"

"No. All I've heard tonight is how terrible of a person you are and I'm sick of it."

Remus frowned again, more in confusion. He hadn't said terrible things about himself to her, so who had?

"From my ex-boyfriend, by the way," she mumbled, like she could read his mind.

"Oh. You... talked about me?"

"You're why we broke up." She looked back down at her hands and his eyebrows rose.

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"No you're not. I know you hated him."

"I never met him."

"That doesn't matter, does it? You still hated him."

"You're right. I hated him a lot. And I don't hate people, like, ever. Just strongly dislike usually."

Y/N smiled at her hands and Remus cleared his throat.

"So, how did I cause a break-up?"

"Well... it was what you said. About how you wouldn't have gone to the bookstore so much if you had known I had a boyfriend."

"How so?"

She took a deep breath. "Your rant about how you pretty much came in as often as you could just to see me did weird me out at first, but then I thought about it. It really was sweet that you were so nervous to talk to me. So I broke up with that guy, he yelled at me about how you were being a stalker. I hated how he talked about you. You’re the cause because no one, not any of my ex-boyfriends, had ever done something as romantic as what you had done for me."

"Uh, that was romantic to you?"

She smiled and looked at him. "Hear me out, okay? The speech alone was romantic, but the actual acts were far more heart warming. I mean, come on, Remus. You didn't know a single thing about me but you wanted to get to know me. You said you couldn't even focus on your movies, which I know is a big deal."

Remus' cheeks flushed and he opened his mouth to speak, or more likely stutter, but she wasn't done.

"My last boyfriend never even held the door for me. I had to plan our own anniversary, for crying out loud. He only asked me out in the first place because he knew I hadn't dated anyone in a while. He knew I was completely available and alone. But you? You still wanted to be my friend after learning about my boyfriend. All the guys I've dated in the past haven't cared about getting to know me. They've just wanted to date me and if I was taken, they'd ditch. You knew when to ask me if I was okay and you didn’t pry into my life, though I could tell you wanted to, because you respected me. You gave me advice that no one else has dared to give me because you knew I needed it. You're a genuinely kind guy, and I don't care what people say, but that beats a bad boy any day."

Remus cleared his throat and sat up a little straighter. "Who said I'm not a bad boy?"

Y/N scoffed and smacked his chest. "Shut up."

He went back to his normal slouch and smiled at Y/N shyly. "I'm glad you didn't interpret my intentions wrong. Would've been nice to know how understanding you were before my 33 hour breakdown, but I'll take what I can get."

"Yeah, sorry about that."

"It's alright. So we're cool?"

"We're cool," Y/N said with a bright smile.

"Friends?"

She scoffed. "Friends? After we both have given long speeches about how we fancy each other?"

"That was your idea of an 'I like you speech'?" he teased. He liked it perfectly.

Y/N laughed. "Okay how about this? Remus Lupin, I like you a whole lot. You're kind and incredibly cute and the moment I first met you, I thought you were the biggest dork I'd ever seen. Thank you for helping me realize how big of a dick my boyfriend was because I feel like you and I clicked instantly and I've been able to tell you anything. I like you a lot."

"You said that twice. Ow, sorry! No need to hit me! Y/N L/N, I like you a whole lot too. I'm glad you finally realized how stupid your boyfriend was and I promise that if you'll have me, I'll treat you better than you can imagine. You're insanely adorable and hot at the same time, it's a bit annoying, really, and I've been my happiest when I get to be around you."

Y/N smiled widely and her cheeks warmed intensely. Remus leaned down, placing his hands against her cheeks. He tucked a piece of hair behind her ear before leaning down and kissing her sweetly. He'd been waiting for this moment for a long time, and he was ecstatic to finally be kissing the girl he pinned after for so long. Their lips moved together in sync, trying to forget the rollercoaster of emotions they had each felt that day.

When they finally pulled away, neither of them could stop smiling. "Will you be my girlfriend, Y/N?"

She bit her lip. "Only if you promise to continue showing me good movies and reading my books."

"Of course. That's a binding agreement we have."

••••••••••••••••••••

ALL: @coolepowersthings @elfenbensord @flowercrownchic @portkeys-and-prose @rochelle-the-ravenclaw @siriuslyimmoony @bluemadcnna @the-apple-princess @vulpecula-minor @chlorineaddiction @puppycat714 @alyenaaa@marauderskeeper @oceanaged @knreidy1 @sirus-hufflepuff-padfoot @heartbeats-wildly @sarcasm-slytherin-sass101 @sly-vixen-up2nogood

REMUS: @harrypotterimmaginaa @finnofamerica@stateofloveandvedder @gryffindorprincess379 @onthebroadway@serenefreakgeek @wolverinesbeer @ceruleanrainblues@knowledgeisthebomb @havecourage-darling @sleep-i-ness @j-brielmalfoy@asktheanimagus @itshelaodinsdottirbitch @blubmachine@aheadfullofsherlock @quicksilver21 @unsureem02 @lallanas

Binding Tags: @wolverinesbeer@ceruleanrainblues @the-apple-princess @acutelittlehufflepuff @oceanaged@coolepowersthings @elfenbensord @blubmachine @fortisfiliae @wolfenbeck @stylespowus @mamapuritysan @golddustcoven @rochelle-the-ravenclaw@marauderskeeper @marauderwolfstarjily

#remus lupin #remus lupin x reader #marauders #marauders x reader #harry potter #imagine #bookstore au #fanfiction

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tearofaeons · 5 years

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UHH F/O february!!

1-.Reverse Self-Ship: You are your F/O’s F/O!!

I have a hard time picturing any of my faves having me as their f/o because i think most of them aren’t of people to consume media (books, tv shows) in excess. they might look at something and think “oh cool” *never picks it up again*.

BUT!! HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING--

Zeтsu... well?? he seems like the type of guy to read a lot of comics and books but never participate in fandoms or tell anyone about it.

One day he heards of a comic series about a character who hunts demons and is searching for their siblings, who are lost somewhere in the deepest parts of Hell, he´s interested, so he buys it, reads it, and immediately gets attached to the protagonist.

He just... relates... you know? Like, both sides, but they never talk about this.

(Kuro = black side. Shiro= white side)

Kuro was in denial for the most part, like

“Why do people like this character” *searches for fanfics*

“Disgusting, badly written. Doesn’t make any sense.” *consumes EVERY story and headcanon post he can find until there´s nothing left*

Kinda just keep going like that until he realized he was too deep in the mud to say he was doing it ironically. Who’s the fool now!? huh!?

I make him feel at ease and, in a weird way, understood, like well, maybe things are going to be okay.

Goes back to the source material, reads it over and over again until he memorizes it, just for fun.

“Why are you angry”

“I read a FICTIONAL THING that made me genuinely happy for no logical reason and I HATE IT”

He doesn’t like feeling vulnerable and really takes pride in being a “mature adult” who has NO ISSUES or PROBLEMS he would like to deal with but doesn’t know how.

So when something external acknowledges these feelings he just... nope. goodbye

Kuro likes to write and create stories, so at some point, already bored with the lack of content, he starts to make his own “headcanon” and theories posts. Arguing with people and having discussions about me, what might be my possible next steps if i want to find my siblings, my plans, things i wouldn´t do. etc.

Later, he creates a RP blog of my character, but then remembers months later that he actually detests interacting with people, so he opts for writing stories, which he adamantly REFUSES call fanfiction.

Kind of took the “job” of debunking theories and popular headcanons, with proof, of course. He likes talking about me and he LOVES being right, it’s a win-win situation !

Writes really long posts about me, explaning my character arc with extreme detail, why did i do a certain thing and not the other. He also talks how did my actions reflect a certain part of my story that are worth exploring. Fancy pictures, dramatic italics, the whole thing, you know?

His posts are always interesting to read, though. He’s a good writer.

One particular day he wasn’t feeling so good, he wrote something that could be called a reader insert (but he definitely doesn’t call it that), where i’m doing the dishes and having an imaginary conversation in my mind with a character who is struggling with the same problems he is, comforting them and stuff.

Made it an habit to write about me comforting this hypothetical person when he’s dealing with difficult emotions. It helps him get back on his feet.

Has one article of clothing that is.. very similar to a jacket i wear in the series.

and a sweater

and some pair of gloves...

He also bought a plushie to have it as a reference whenever he needed to describe me in a story (i have a very complicated outfit in this parallel universe), but stll kept it even after it wasn’t necessary, he occasionally likes to hug and squeeze it, or merely hold it when he’s watching videos or reading something.

“It’s just a toy, it doesn’t have any emotional meaning” he says.

*brushes strand of hair off forehead so i don’t look sad*

*stops to pat my head every now and then*

:( *holds the plushie’s hand* :)

He just really really likes the texture, okay! jeez!!

but no seriously he has a crush on me

Shiro just goes on with the ride and doesn’t think too much about how he feels or why. He just knows he likes me and that’s enough for him.

Collects fanart and enjoys re-reading the source material once in a while.

LITERALLY RECOMMENDS IT AT LEAST ONCE TO EVERYONE HE MEETS.

Somehow never runs out of things to say?? could talk about the series for hours, but he’s not saying things with substance and plot it’s more like a casual conversation.

He just likes talking about it.

Zones out thinking about me doing domestic stuff (sleeping, cooking or--his favorite--playing with a cat), sometimes imagines himself being there. Would rather die than to tell anyone it makes him happy.

Daydreams a lot.

Gets home and is somewhat upset his girlfriend isn’t there!! where are his kisses!! haha jk jk he doesn’t have a crush on a fictional character..

..... unless?

Doesn’t want people to find out about this because people tend to make fun of him or not take him seriously at all, so he covers it up by acting nonchalant.

“Yeah i like them a normal amount”

Is broke so he can’t afford merch, saves up for one lil figure of me and takes care of it as if it were one of his plants.

Has one-sided conversations with the figurine.

*to the figurine* “Hey, did i water my plants today? i can’t remember”

“I wonder how the shell of a lemon tastes like.... I have one in the fridge, should i eat it? for science? yes? no? alright, i’ll do it”

Writes posts about the series/me and shares them, they’re tend to be very nonsensical and funny, or downright cursed.

“Here’s some art i commissioned of Julia wearing a button up shirt with shorts and sandals :)”

His inbox is a mess because of this.

Likes to participate in conversations and add his two cents, but his favorite thing to do is send people (particularly Kuro) dumb questions just for the giggles.

anon: “how would julien react to their s/o having tapeworms? :)”

“I cannot phantom what kind of illness compels you to send me this.”

anon: “would julia read shrek x reader fanfiction?”

“GOD DAMMIT!!! NO!!”

Shiro got lowkey jealous thinking about me reading x reader stuff because it kind of implies me having a crush on someone else, he then had to mentally punch himself when he realized he was getting jealous of shrek.

Has one cactus he loves very much named Julia. It’s a pincushion cactus.

#self insert #aeon speaks #fofebruary #self shipping #that's all i think..#very late but in my defense i wrote this on the correct day i just didn't post it so um akcshuatlly --#sdkjskd i'm joking <':#as long as you're having fun then it's fine baby!! it's still february #OKAY but th ereal reason (that i didn't mention) for kuro to be so hesitant to EVEN get invested in a fictional work #is because he doesn't believe in love #and the main message of my source material is that love IS worth it. like... love is alright #not everyone is out to hurt you #some people DO care #so he's... afraid i guess #he doesn't want to get hurt so he just shoves everyone away #i don't know how to explain it. he wants to be loved and appreciated but has a very negative view of everything regarding relationships #he grew up alone so i don't blame him #meanwhile shiro is too... afraid of being himself or stepping out of ''the line''#the line being what everyone thinks he is vs who he wants to be vs who he is #or something like that....#long post #dang it! just let me hug them >:c #drawings and stuff

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sunlitroom · 6 years

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Gotham – s5e02 – Trespassers

As I watched it, and some random observations here and there.

Previously on Gotham:

Did you miss the finale of season 4 and only now tune in? For anyone who somehow forgot, Jeremiah’s bid to get Bruce to notice him helpfully coincided with Ra’s need to speed Bruce’s destiny along by destroying the city. Jim helpfully tells us that the city is now up for grabs. Tabitha made an absolute mess of attempting to get revenge for Butch – going out not only irritating and unsympathetic, but really, really dumb. Barbara wailed. Jim shot Oswald in the leg, for which he has put a bounty on his head. We are reminded that Jeremiah shot Selina – and a nurse with very distinctive eyebrows recommended that Bruce go find the witch. A lisping big-eyed orphan child pleaded with Jim for help.

As always, long post will be long. There are likely to be rambling digressions. Gobblepot might appear (although I welcome all shippers and non-shippers alike :)). There will be naked favouritism and naked not-favouritism. Broader comments at the end on plotlines and parallels and general direction.

We open on the boy, Will, from the last episode. Jim and Harvey watch from the doorway as he is examined, and fill us in on his situation. His parents were killed in a home invasion and he was taken to a factory, to be a slave alongside lots of other children. The people responsible are known as the Soothsayers.

Harvey’s never heard of them before – but can hazard a guess as to the location of the tunnel they’re building near the docks.

Winsome orphan boy begs Detective Gordon to save his friends, because they’ll be punished for his escape.

Jim and Harvey leave – Jim resolved to go rescue the children. Harvey reminds him, though, that Oswald has a bounty on his head and he can’t safely leave the station. Someone appears and tells Jim that there’s a call for him from the mainland

Jim goes to take the call. The voice on the other end tells him that confrontations must be avoided. Jim tells him to please think of the children. The voice says that his dedication is admirable but he lacks perspective – he runs the risk of sacrificing many to save a few. He’s told that it’s the ‘collective opinion’ that he stand down and keep the green zone safe.

Jim protests – and says they need supplies. The voice says they cannot risk any more pilots. Jim snaps that they can preserve the lives of a few over many, but he can’t. The conversation is seemingly over and Jim stares consideringly into the distance.

Harvey enters with Lucius. Jim immediately starts to plan a rescue mission. They need to go through the Dark Zone. Harvey reminds Jim of the ammo situation. Jim says he’ll talk to Barbara. Harvey reminds Jim that she might not be amenable. Turning to Lucius, Jim asks him to sort out some sort of housing for the children they’ll rescue. Harvey makes an unhappy face about the general risk of it all.

(An aside – in a desperate bid to extract something of interest from an episode that was pretty turgid.

I know we’re probably not supposed to complicate matters to this extent– but anything this straightforward is boring, so I feel like some over-analytical meta is needed to problematise everything.

It occurs to me that this desperate time of suffering is maybe the happiest Jim has ever been in Gotham.

St Jim of Gotham. They love their Jim Gordon. Detective Gordon can save us.

He constantly gets to be heroic – Jim Gordon keeping everyone safe, bringing them supplies. His word is law – Harvey and Lucius might pull faces, but they do what they’re told. He has no boss, no troublesome politics to play. There’s no awkward shades of grey – just good guys and bad guys. The voice of authority is just that – a voice – and so perfectly unreasonable and hateable and removed – so absolutely in the wrong. Hell – Jim should send Jeremiah a bouquet for this.

It’s telling, I think, that when Harvey later spots the candle burning in the abandoned building Jim’s head goes straight to the Wild West. If you want to sell me that Oswald is enjoying playing benevolent leader over in City Hall, then it must also be accepted that Jim’s equally loving playing Gary Cooper at GCPD)

We hear night time noises and see Bruce at the gates of an abandoned mansion. He’s looking for the witch. As he enters the house, we see ivy climbing over the walls. As he progresses, we see it weapped around statues, and – more alarmingly – twisted around various corpses.

We see movement behind him. Someone has sneaked up on him – but Bruce had spotted them, and easily disarms him.

Are you with her?

What? I’m not sure why Gotham went with characters from a Hammer Horror - but, whatever. It’s all corduroy waistcoats, flat caps, and English accents.

Basically – they’ve decided Ivy is a witch who can talk to plants and knows magic and can take souls. They’ve trapped her in a windowless room with no food or water, and salted the floor. Eventually, they’re going to burn her. A few months of isolation and apparently parts of Gotham have turned into small superstitious English hamlets from the eighteenth century. There’s terrible doings up at the manor! His Lordship’s up to no good!

Bruce quickly makes up a story about a missing brother. Credulous villager from another film says he’ll let Bruce talk to Ivy. Bruce shines a torch into the room – and we see a sleeping Ivy. She’s wearing a sequinned jumper that also impressively manages to look like slimy moss.

Hello Ivy

At Sirens, where people are eating and drinking and generally having a good time. Barbara, meantime, swigs from a bottle at the bar.

Jim enters. We see there are lots of other men there. Jim tries to make small talk about how busy the bar is. Barbara points at his head and reminds him of Oswald’s bounty. She asks if he’s out for one last hurrah. Jim says he wants a favour.

Barbara laughs

A favour? That’s why you stood back and did nothing while my best friend on this earth was stabbed through the heart?

(Best friend. Best friend. Wow.)

Jim protests weakly that he put Oswald down – but Barbara shrieks, eyes bulging with rage.

You restored his limp - he should be dead!

Jim takes what I think the Marquise de Mertueil described as ‘a marital tone’, and delivers an admonishing

Barbara

On this – Barbara starts shrieking

Everybody out!

Jim asks if she’s planning revenge. Barbara retorts that

Someone has to do something about that freak

(An aside - Again with the ‘freak’ word. It really does nothing to make her more likeable. Also – the only things she could pair with it in the warehouse were the fact that Oswald has a beaky nose and a limp. That’s all it takes for Barbara to decide you’re a freak. Writers - if you want to cultivate any sympathy whatsoever for Barbara and her lost ‘best friend’ – it’s perhaps best not to remind the audience that they’re both beautiful entitled rich girls who looked right down their noses at almost everyone else who failed to fit that description.)

Jim tells her he has an army – it would be suicide. Barbara angsts it up and tells him to look around – they’re all slowly dying. Some get to choose how. I think this is meant to be about how she’d choose to die killing Oswald – but all it does is remind you that Tabitha most definitely opted for her fate – and renders it all less than sympathetic again

Jim tells her he’s sorry about Tabitha, and that things got out of control. What things? When she ran into a warehouse filled with Oswald’s men and a bunch of ammunition?

He goes on to say he’s trying to keep the city from falling apart. Barbara stares back at him and tells him he’s too late. Jim frowns.

She goes on – though, and asks him about the favour. He asks for trucks. She asks what for – and Jim stodgily replies that it’s a police matter. Barbara laughs at the absurdity of it – catapulted back to the compartmentalising days of their engagement – and says they could write that on his tombstone.

She caves, though, and gives him the trucks. She then bizarrely screams after him, though

Knock yourself out - drive into the nightmare you created. Here he comes, Gotham – your judge, gaoler, most hated son. Have at him - rip him to shreds. No-one deserves to die more than he!

So don’t give him the trucks, then. Make your mind up, Barbara.

Her lip wobbles and she drinks again. I’d give it a rest, Barbara – that was mental. You’re one drink away from a self-indulgent karaoke song.

Jim and Harvey drive through the city – specifically under a bridge, where we can see bodies hanging. Apparently, this area was a cesspool before – but is now even worse. People dressed in gothy, skull-heavy outfits suddenly appear alongside them, flinging Molotov cocktails and firing arrows.

Welcome to the Badlands.

We’re at the location the place Will mentioned, where there’s child slave labour overseen by some tools in gasmasks. One complains that the oldest boy we see – Gabriel – allowed Will to escape. He thought Gabriel had promise – and offers a chance to inhale whatever is in his mask for energy or to see the future.

He then witters on about the tunnel they’re building that will give them exclusive access to the mainland for trade. Until the situation is resolved. Or, you know, someone just comes in and takes it from them.

Gabriel points out that the tunnel is too narrow. Progress is slow, the roof is leaking, and it’ll collapse when they hit the river.

Beardy gasmask guy gets cross at this. He had high hopes for Gabriel. He points his gun at him, but is disturbed by one of his minions telling him to get out front.

Outside – we see trucks parked. Beardy irritably asks who was on watch. One of your tedious stoner mates?

Put your weapons down

Is that the James Gordon?

We get western-style music

Beardy comments that if they kill him they’ll get bullets and be in Oswald’s good graces. They draw guns – but are surrounded by GCPD. There’s a bit of back and forth – but Jim takes his keys, and goes into the building, telling Harvey to kill him if he moves.

The children all stare adoringly at Jim. He gives the keys to Gabriel, who starts to release all the other children’s manacles/cuffs/whatever. It was a pretty tooth-rotting moment.

Outside, leader man asks Harvey why he’d be a cop in this town. Harvey says the costume shop was out of gas masks – so it was either this or sexy nurse.

As they talk – the leader’s eye flits to one of his men, creeping up. There’s a disagreement that quickly turns into a full rammy. Most of the children escape in the trucks – but Jim, Harvey, Gabriel and two little girls are left fleeing on foot.

Back at the mansion, Bruce approaches Ivy. She seems relieved – asking for his help. She says she didn’t kill the men in the vines – it’s the park. The trees, plants, roots – speaking to one another. The men came to kill her – but the plants saved her

Bruce tells her that he needs help for a friend who was shot – not naming Selina. The nurse directed him to The Witch – and here he is. Ivy said she would usually help – but this park is behaving so oddly.

We hear a knock at the door – jaunty waistcoat villager. Bruce asks him to wait. Ivy says there’s a magical seed under the oak – she’ll help him find it if he protects her.

Back at the Library, Ed wakes up. He's chained himself down – and is exultant that it seems to have stopped his sleep walking.

Doesn’t he…. have the key? Jfc, Ed.

He unlocks the padlock and gets up, heading to the bathroom

Why am I seeing this?

I don't need Ed peeing

As he relieves himself – he talks to himself in the mirror about how the sleepwalking was likely just stress.

We hear grunting from somewhere else in the room. Ed pulls back the shower curtain, and finds a burly biker man tied up in the bath.

Ed looks away, back into the mirror and tells himself there’s nothing there – laughing hysterically. His laughing fades and he closes his eyes.

He pulls back the shower curtain again – this time wielding a plunger. Without washing his hands.

He asks the biker who the hell he is. The biker is massively disgruntled.

Are you serious?

Ed admits he doesn’t remember. The man’s name is apparently Tank. He’s part of the Street Demons gang.Ed asks if he hit him, etc. Tank is still sullen – and says Ed wanted information, but he wouldn’t give it. Ed eyes him

I’m gonna guess you gave it to me

Oo-er, missus.

Ed says he can't remember the info – so they’ll have to do it all again, and hauls him out of the bath.

Jim and co running through the streets, hunted. Shooting Oswald was dumb, Jim. I know he’ll forgive you shortly – but it’s inconvenient in the meantime.

They run into a nearby building. Harvey points to the candle burning, and warns that someone else is there. Jim’s all caught up in the romance of his sheriff fantasy, and says that settlers in the Old West would sometimes leave a candle burning as a sign of sanctuary. Maybe there’s still good people left in Gotham

Harvey raises an eyebrow at this romanticism, and then complains when Jim sends him to search the basement in this creepy hotel. Jim meanwhile heads upstairs. The children are left behind – and we see a shadowy figure pass behind them, looking sort of Victorian.

(An aside because this episode is boring – it’s odd how our collective imagination heads straight to Victorian stuff when it comes to ghosts)

Jim walks along the upper floor. It’s a nice, creepy atmosphere. There’s a room with a flickering bulb. Jim offers a very tentative GCPD. A small boy dressed in a school uniform runs out. Jim reassures him.

Harvey in the basement, which is actually a proper kitchen like you would get in a big old house. Less traditional are the containers on the table containing jewellery, glasses, teeth, and fingers.

Harvey starts to quietly panic. He’s then accosted by the masked Victorian woman wielding a razor, and starts to loudly panic.

Jimmmm!

Back at the library, Ed hits the biker in the face. Am I expected to believe Ed was able to overpower this guy?

He caves and passes the info – which is pretty pedestrian: Ed wanted to know where the Street Demon base was and whether their boss, Emmanuel Vazquez, would be there.

Ed asks the man what his demeanour was like last night. Was he confident, flamboyant, charismatic? Or a little repressed? Conservative? Nerdy?

The man says he seemed stiff – in a daze. Ed digests this, and then they leave.

Back at Ivy's impromptu 60s horror film. Bruce leaves the room with a faux terrified Ivy. Bruce tells the villagers to stay calm – he’ll take responsibility for her. Ivy promptly kills them all.

She turns to him – a hand on his throat – and tells him he’s utterly naïve. Bruce says she didn’t have to kill them, but she replies that she wanted to.

Bruce stares balefully at her. He tells her the friend he’s here for is Selina – she’s paralysed and has lost the will to live. Ivy glares back at him.

Good. That bitch destroyed the last drop of Lazarus water. Let her suffer

Bruce says he doesn’t believe her. Ivy avoids answering him like Jim has avoided awkward discussions about killing Oswald. She tells him she wasn’t lying about the park. She’s been feeding it corpses. It consumes them then flourishes. She says she’ll plant Bruce. What will grow, she wonders.

He tells her those men she killed were right. She’s a murderous, callous witch. She smiles

Trying to bait me, boy?

Bruce says he wouldn’t waste his breath. There’s no good left in her. The park isn’t beautiful and colourful and flourishing. It smells of death.

Ivy doesn’t like this. She purses her lips and tells him it’s a work in progress. Bruce says it’s a nightmare. She looks at him, and says if she helps him, he’s to leave her alone. They leave for the garden.

Back with Jim and the kid from the room

(An aside – it struck me here that the pacing in this episode felt really off. This should have been tense – but we spent too long with Ed and Bruce, and now we’ve lost a lot of tension.)

The boy tells Jim that his parents are dead – the woman here found him – the ghost. She was kind at first.

They’re interrupted by Harvey. He says that there’s a crazy woman here. Jim tells the boy that they’ll protect him. As they start to run, the boy says she makes him call her mother.

They head into a room off the corridor, but the boy slips out and shuts Jim and Harvey in. We see the lights in the room flicker and strobe. The boy, stone-faced on the other side of the door tells them

The lights will make you dizzy. Then fall asleep. You won't feel a thing

Harvey starts to fold. Jim kicks at the door. The boy calls that he should give into it. As he does, we see the woman behind him, and she slashes out at him with her razor.

There’s a scuffle. Harvey smashes the window – allowing light into the room. Her mask falls off, and the ghostliness is all gone. She screeches at Jim – she’s the only mother the boy knows. Harvey tells her she’s a crazy bitch – but she protests that she’s protecting him: she taught him how to survive.

She also manages to kick and slash Jim, and makes her escape.

At the biker hideout, which is apparently deserted. As we look round, though, we see lots of stabbed bikers – including the boss. Tank asks if Ed does this, to which Ed honestly responds that he can’t remember

Turning, we see a really boringly painted message on the wall

Penguin was here.

The biker growls: Penguin did this

Ed looks dubious. I think not

Tank replies that whoever it was, someone started a war

Back at Ivy’s park. She reaches into the earth as Bruce watches and extracts a seed. It looks incredibly gross.

She hands it to Bruce. He asks her if that’s human blood that it’s coated in. She tells him that if Selina ingests it, it will find the way to the wound. Bruce asks if it will cure her. Ivy shrugs. Everyone responds differently. The only thing that’s sure is that she’ll be altered forever – the darker angels of her nature unlocked and set free. You very rarely see that one listed in the side-effect section of the information pamphlet.

She asks if Selina can live with it, then eyes him shrewdly and asks if he can. Bruce tells her he doesn’t know any other way. Ivy smiles – and tells him to go then, give her the seed. She adds that he still doesn’t know if he can trust her. Bruce agrees and she replies.

Good – you’re finally becoming a man

Bruce asks where she’ll go, and she says that’s none of his business. He needs to hurry: the seed will die if exposed to the air for too long.

(An aside - if I desperately scrabble to get more fro this episode - I could say that there’s maybe a Jim and Bruce parallel. Jim’s doing good - but he’s definitely getting something from what he’s doing now. Bruce’s actions are to save Selina - but also to salve his own guilt at how she ended up shot in the first place)

Back at the haunted hotel, Harvey and Jim run downstairs and usher the children out. As they do, Harvey turns to Jim

Not everyone wants help, Jim Gordon

They run out into the street. We get a slightly too loud bit of dialogue between Harvey and Jim to let us know that Jim only has two bullets left. It had a real look out for snakes! quality.

The soothsayers and the goths show up. There’s a standoff where they both have guns pointed at Jim – both keen to collect the bounty.

Bruce is back in the ward. Alfred tells her that Selina’s not great – hasn’t uttered a word since he left. Bruce tells him the witch is actually Ivy. Alfred looks dubiously at the seed – which does look really nasty.

Bruce says it might help. Alfred says Ivy is a maniacal cold-hearted killer

Selina suddenly pipes up

Give it to me

Bruce says he has doubts. Selina says that she’s suicidal anyway – so if Ivy wants to kill her, she can have at it. Bruce hands her the pill. She asks if she’s just to swallow it, and then does so without hesitation. Bravo, Selina. That seed looked gross.

They watch. She exhales

Still here

Alfred laughs.

Selina says she knows Ivy has lost her mind – but Selina found her when she was first on the street, after her parents died. It was a cold winter – and Ivy got really sick. Selina took her under her wing: showed her how to find food, a roof. Eventually she got colour in her face – and Selina kept checking in with her every day.

I know she looks old now – but she'll always be that little girl to me

Alfred and Bruce look fondly at her – but as they do, she starts to sweat and convulse. Doctors and nurses rush in, and Alfred holds Bruce back

My God. What have I done?

Back at the standoff. This is really unforgiveably boring.

Blah blah - Jim has two bullets. Basically, Barbara arrives before things can go very wrong. She’s had a change of mind since their chat. Beardy guy takes aim at her from the ground, but Jim shoots him. Barbara comments that it must be love, since it was his last bullet.

She steps closer and tells him to

Help me do what needs doing - kill Penguin

(An aside -I’m so very done with this stupid notion that Oswald is the big problem in town. It makes absolutely no sense. If anything, the only reason we don’t have all-out gang warfare is because there’s not enough ammunition to go round, because Oswald has a grip on it. As for the notion that Barbara is somehow better – she’s hoarding food and drink to run a brothel while there’s not enough to go round. If they show doesn’t make clear later that Barbara’s stance is entirely personal and irrational, I’m going to be very grumpy.)

Jim says they’ll table this discussion for later.

(An aside. Barbara. Harvey. Jim is not going to kill Oswald. If you don’t know this by now, then you haven’t been paying attention. He didn’t do it to placate Falcone. He didn’t do it to string Theo Galavan along and get a conviction. He didn’t do it to guarantee silence after Theo’s murder. He didn’t do it when Oswald’s actions threatened to disrupt his work with the Court of Owls. He didn’t do it when he was apparently all darkness and rage with the Tetch virus. He didn’t do it at the bequest of Sofia Falcone, and he didn’t do it most recently, when the city is a wasteland and Oswald controls virtually all the weaponry. It’s a no, guys. If he changes his mind on this, then it’s an ooc swizz.)

In the Green Zone - where the lighting is all idyllic. Lucius shows off the new lodgings he’s found/created. It’s not ideal – but it’s better than anywhere else. Citizens are gathering, and it’ll be full by lunchtime.

A woman approaches with her children to thank Jim for delivering them. Barbara rolls her eyes and leaves – calling over her shoulder:

See you around, killer. We have unfinished business

I have to ask – is anyone invested in this? Anyone?

Back with Selina. The doc says whatever she took put her into shock – but she’s now stabilised. Bruce looks solemn. There’s a statue of Jesus behind him. Hi Jesus!

Alfred says they should go. He walks on, but Bruce lingers to peek in, and is shocked to see Selina’s bed empty and the window open. He rushes in and looks out the window. Selina walks up behind him

Bruce says it's a miracle. Selina’s eyes are closed, and she smiles beatifically. She says she feels no no pain. Bruce says he thought he’d killed her, but Seline says she’s even better than before.

They hug, and over Bruce’s shoulder, we see Selina open her eyes – which momentarily look just like a cat’s eyes.

General Observations

Ugh. With a couple of exceptions, that was a slog.

No Oswald at all. I’m not sure why this would be the case – but the episode palled badly without him. If it’s to try and easily paint him as a flat villain in his absence, it failed. Life in Gotham is mind-bendingly boring without him.

It’s not that I’m not interested in Ed, but there’s not really much need for interpretation or further examination for what’s going on. It’s either part of his own subconscious (we’ve seen that this can happen with Ed), or something to do with Hugo’s tinkering. I’m not quite sure why I feel a sort of weird lack of tension with this plotline, but there it is.

Barbara

Likewise – Barbara’s revenge plot is really just tiresome. I will admit to being nakedly biased towards Oswald, but even if that weren’t the case - it’s hard to feel real sympathy here. Babs – Oswald didn’t invade Sirens, seek Tabitha out and then stab her in the heart. She went looking for him, and then left him with no other options. Not only that – but she was fully aware that getting revenge for Butch meant leaving you alone. Last, but not least: She. Murdered. His. Mother. I know the big female solidarity thing really only extends to women 18-40 who can turn a profit for you – but still. Take a moment to think this over.

Look I get that it’s easier for her to be angry at Oswald than it is to be angry at Tabitha – but it’s still a bit tedious. A lot tedious.

Jim

As previously discussed, there’s more meat to Jim’s story right now – but I’ve no idea whether it’s intentional. I’m sure Jim does genuinely care about the citizens who need help. However, Jim is also loving this. All that murky stuff from the past is gone. Here, he’s Big Jim Gordon, the heroic sheriff in a Wild West town. His deputies do what he says, and Miss Kitty who runs the brothel can help out when needed. Big-eyed children rush to him for help, mothers thank him, and he gets to rush headfirst into fights outgunned whenever he wants.

I’m not sure where that fancy-dressed guy with the European name and the limp fits in to his story, but maybe Jim’s watched more Westerns than I have.

Hopefully this might head in a more complicated direction. A couple of the scenes with Jim and the children seemed deliberately too saccharine. Harvey warned him that not everyone wants his help. Let’s see where things go.

Jim and Barbara

I remember, way back when, commenting that the lack of real closure between Jim and Barbara felt unrealistic. Jim’s serious-minded and quite traditional (or seemed so at that point, anyway). He and Barbara were engaged to be married – church booked and dress bought, as Barbara told us. The relationship did have had its problems: Barbara was depressed and day drinking, while Jim was busily emulating his father and compartmentalising like crazy – but it always felt like they would have more definitively closed the chapter, as opposed to just moving on like it was a short-term relationship. I think what we’re seeing here is basically unfinished business being played out. Probably better for it to play out with the help of contraceptives, but hey, we know where they’ve decided to go with this.

Again - if you want to make it more problematic in a desperate bid to make things more interesting - killing Tabitha, having Barbara trade in ‘information’ instead of all out violence, masking what goes on in Sirens, putting a nice white coat on her: it’s all to ‘purify’ her character to make her suitable for the pregnancy storyline later. Not too, pure, though. My guess is she’ll die nobly at some point, and Lee will wind up raising the baby with Jim.

Recaps are a lot faster and easier when there’s no Oswald and the episode is a bit lacklustre.

Thoughts?

#gotham commentary #gotham s5e02 #trespassers

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