#so here's this new thing i am trying which is. me and my fiance never went skiing because we never had the opportunity or occasion

[seenthisepisode]

i just booked a hotel in the mountains for new years eve. yes it's 1 am yes the price is. high. but omg i am so excited and also alive!!!!!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for being engaged to my former best friend's ex-girlfriend after he cheated on her with the girl who bullied me and was my fiance's best friend?

I(29M) am engaged to the most amazing woman ever (27F) for 7 months now. We will call her Naomi.

You see she used to be my ex long time f best friend's girlfriend (We will call him Marcus) They seem to be a happy couple when they were together and I used to think they made a great couple back then too. There was one problem though, Naomi was best friends with this girl (we call Zoe). Zoe made my life back in our school days a living hell. She didn't like me because I was a redhead and took every opportunity to hurt me or scar me, even put gum and glue in my hair, thankfully my cousin was a hair stylist and got it all off. Once I went off to college I didn't have to worry about her until Marcus started dating Naomi. She still mocks me, but was very subtle about it.

Marcus knew what Zoe did to me throughout our school days and has stood up for me time and time again. Back then, I thought he understood and was my big supporter and a brother I never had (I have 6 sisters) I was hoping him and Naomi would get married and I'd be the best man at their wedding. Naomi was nothing like Zoe, she's a total sweetheart, a literal angel and pretty intelligent. She and Zoe we're best friends since College.

But then on my birthday, I discovered that he was sleeping with Zoe when I went to visit him to go out for drinks. It was like I was in a twilight zone or a horror movie or something, seeing someone who I thought was my best friend on the couch getting it on with the one person who traumatized me and made my life hell. I got angry and yelled at him, demanding to know how can he do this. Marcus try to explain himself and beg me not to tell Naomi, but I was having none of it and left. I don't know why, but I started to cry.

I called Naomi and asked her to come over to my place. Once you saw me, she knew something was wrong because she saw them my eyes were red and I was agitated. She wished me a happy birthday, to which I reply "I wish it a happy one..." when she asked what I meant by that, I told her about Marcus and Zoe. She thought I was lying, but realize that I was telling the truth after she put two and two together why my eyes were red and I was agitated. She started crying and was heartbroken. Marcus was her first boyfriend and he cheated on her with someone she thought was her best friend. We both cried together the betrayals. Since then I have cut Marcus out of my life and Naomi cutting Zoe out of hers.

When the pandemic first hit Naomi didn't have nowhere to go because her lease what's up and she couldn't return home ( She was from Washington) and I offer her a place to stay. To be honest, we were getting along as being roommates. We took turns cooking and did our equal share of chores and pay bills. We even found out we have a lot of things in common and randomly, we just ended up falling in love with each other. I even introduced her to my family, close friends and some co-workers I am close with. On New Years of 2023 I proposed to her and she said yes.

Well, here we are in the present, I found out that Zoe tried to contact Naomi while she was out to lunch with my sister and tried to get her the break up with me so they can be friends again, saying things like I wasn't good for her and that she will help her find a new guy for Naomi. For what my sister told me, Naomi told her " Why? So you can sleep with that guy too? Sorry but I refuse to become friends again with a backstabbing sl*t" And hung up the phone. Now you can see why I love this woman.

Yesterday, I got a phone call from an unknown number. Turns out to be my ex best friend Marcus. Word had gotten around that me and Naomi are engaged and Marcus was furious, asking 'How could I get together with his ex and why would I betray him like that?'

I reply with "Excuse me, who do you think was the one that betrayed me and Naomi? You betrayed Naomi by getting with her best friend and you betrayed me because you knew what she put me through and you knew how she treated me. You are in no place to get angry with me when you were the one that betrayed the both of us first. Second, me and Naomi haven't contacted you in 4 years, how did you get my new number?"

He told me that it didn't matter and said that he thought the two of us have gotten over that already and that he was trying to get back together with Naomi. That's when I said " the only reason you're trying to get back together with Naomi is because Zoe dumped you after she caught you cheating on her with her boss, right? I heard about it from your brother. I guess Zoe wasn't enough for you that you had to sleep with her boss? And that her boss wants nothing to do with you because it was only just s*x for her? Who's to say that you're not going to cheat on Naomi again? It's your fault for letting such an amazing girl go in the first place. You never appreciate what she done for you, don't ever contact me or Naomi again! In fact, don't even come near us, you are dead to us!"

I couldn't help but feel guilty about what I said. I know I shouldn't but I do. Naomi said not to worry about it and smiled at me since we are getting married next month. But, AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[kippykasey]

Grace: - Chapter 12: Snowdrop

Pairing: Past Howard Stark x F!Reader , Bucky x Reader [Hinted]

Word Count: 1354

Summary: Change is coming now that the war is over. Where Grace is no longer an angel but a flower

Author’s Note: Did I reread my own writings to get details for this chapter? Yes yes I did. Enter the new era of Hydra's Snowdrop.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the gifs they are either found on google or under the gif tag provided by tumblr. Any language other than English was translated using Google Translator, and translations will be posted in bolden italics after. I am not a nurse or in the medical field although I may do some research medical treatment written may not be correct.

Grace Masterlist | Snowdrop Masterlist | Masterlist

The first positive event to come to the Commandos after the war was the engagement of Nurse Lottie Liffiet and Robbie (L/N). But The wedding was also the event that brought the biggest question alight.

“Amazing Grace, War Angel, Missing?”

Howard stared at the newspaper headline as he was driven to the New York apartment that his ex fiance had been seen last. Many thought she had moved back to the Midwest, was helping out her father, adjusting to life post war that had taken two close friends. Yet when reporters caught wind that the nurse wasn’t even present at the wedding of her fellow friend and own brother. There had been now sign of her in months. Peggy, was the last to even see her, the two had tea at the New York apartment before Peggy was due to leave for London. That was six long months ago and Howard was now taking things into his own hand. He had given her space after finding the ring in the box. It had hurt seeing it there without a warning or note but he was sure it was just a side affect from the loss of so many people close to her, that ‘she felt responsible for’ as she had mentioned once in a letter. So he focused all his time and effort into trying to find Steve to at least retrieve the body from the plane.

“We’re here sir.”

“Thank you.” Howard got out of the car taking in a deep breath as he looked up at the apartment he had not been to in months.

He climbed the familiar stairs, turning the key in his hand. There was a moment of hesitance as he unlocked the door before committing to actually opening the door. The apartment was silent. Empty glasses on the table. Dust covered everything. She hadn’t been here in weeks. Howard walked through the apartment, nothing was missing. It really was just like she vanished. Howard sat at the table that was scattered with pages of notes. Half of which were written in German. Howard’s attention was drawn to a knocked over mug and then to a leather bound journal. The first thing is eyes land on was a photograph wedged between the open pages like a bookmark. It was Roger’s friend, the Sergeant that had the accident on the train, with his arms around the nurse in what appeared to be a dance next to an evening fire. It made sense now why she returned the ring. Howard flipped the photo seeing the scribbled handwriting of Dugan. He didn’t pay it attention instead focusing his hand on the script across the pages.

Howie I am sorry that I couldn’t didn’t have the courage to tell you that my feelings had changed. I knew before the war was over that I wouldn’t be able to marry you. Perhaps we just weren’t meant to be? Even though he is gone it doesn’t feel right ignoring the feelings that were growing for James and it wouldn’t be fair to you to pretend that my feelings had changed…

Howard’s eyes took in the confession that he had long awaited for. It hurt to hear but it was nice to have the reason he never got. The ink changed color as her writing switched topics.

I need to tell you what happened when I was with Hydra and you need to tell the others what I did there as well because it may cause problems in the future. Steve Rogers may not be the only super soldier anymore and I am to blame. They forced me to recreate the serum.

Howard leaned forward reading about how one nurse who just so happened to work with Dr. Erskine while he developed the serum had to recreate it. And from what he was reading, that same nurse used herself as a test subject for all synthesized serums even the ones that weren’t correct. She may be the world’s second super soldier. The color of the text changed again this time a graphite pencil messily rambled across the page. Stark lifted the journal from the table as he took in the deep theory and logic that was used in her rambled writing about cryogenics. How she thought like how bodies were store in coolers to stop from decomposing during winter when they couldn’t be buried that there could be a possibility that someone could be frozen and later thawed out and live a natural life. A coffee stain seemed to ruin most of the remaining words but he could make out a few.

Hydra.

Barnes.

Alive.

Rogers.

Frozen.

Then there was nothing else. Stark flipped pages checking for any other writing in the journal but that was it. He gathered all the information laid out on the table to further examine back at the lab but if she thought that Rogers could survive the crash he would keep looking for him.

【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】

It had been just over six months since willingly returning to Hydra. An agent. Her new handler, Wolfgang Sokolov. He spoke German and Russian mostly but his English wasn’t bad but you could hear the Russian accent clearly. Most the time when he orders her around it is always in Russian but quickly repeated in German. He was the one to reunite her with the fallen soldier.

Sokolov stood in front of her, beard brushing against the collar of his tactical jacket, the key to her cuffs in between gloved fingers, hard sea green eyes peering down at her. She would be assisting with a check up today he told her when bringing her from her cell of a room. She had been right about one thing in the notes she left for Howard. Cryogenics were possible. Hydra was waking up one of their subjects today and she would be administering the post thaw check up so the subject can begin conditioning.

She was warned not to do anything stupid before the cuffs were removed and she was escorted into the room. Sokolov joined another soldier guarding the door but nothing else in the world truly would prepare her for the sight of a dazed, Bucky Barnes in front of her on the examination table with a titanium metal arm.

“James.” His name passed her lips and she rushed to his side. Instantly she was checking his vitals hands trembling as she worked. She swore she heard him breathe out her name but she was distracted checking to make sure he was okay. The last thing she allowed herself to fully inspect was the crude connection of the arm to his body. Her finger was just about to touch the skin of his shoulder when a cold metal hand grasped her wrist. The bruising grip kept her from touching the connection of metal and skin so instead eyes locked.

“I’m here James.” Her voice cracked as she thought about the fact that she couldn’t save him from what was going to happen but they would be there together for it.

By the late 50s there would no longer be the soldier boy she knew. Hydra would have their newest asset, the Winter Soldier. They could control a man but the nurse at his side. She wasn’t easy to control and they couldn’t put her through the same process because they needed her to create more of the serum. They needed her and to keep her in line they used him. And if she ran out of use she would be put on ice. Hard to cause trouble when one is in a frozen state.

To Hydra there was no Sergeant James ‘Bucky’ Barnes, on the Winter Soldier.

Just as there is no First Lieutenant of the nurse corps, war angel Amazing Grace. No to Hydra she became Snowdrop. The only medical personal that the Winter Soldier willingly allowed to touch him. The only connection the Winter Soldier still had to the man he truly is. His partner.

[daturaparanormal]

Interview with a Vampire

File 4#

I am here with the lovely Miss Sophia, she has been so gracious as to provide information about her journey as a vampire.

Q.) What sort of vampire would you consider yourself?

A.) I'm a psi. Never (yet) tried human blood though came close earlier this year.

A PSI is an acronym for a Psychic Vampire: The term can also be used to describe a person who gets increased energy around other people, but leaves those other people exhausted or "drained" of energy. I.E. : Sexually, Emotionally, Spiritually, or Physically.

Q.) What sort of psychic vampire do you consider yourself?

A.)My resident spirit is sexual psychic. I'm probably emotional psychic. But with that woman it was more on the physical.

Q.) What was your first experience with vampires?

A.) I first knew what a vampire was from my resident spirit. Her name is Launa. She's still with me. First became aware of her when I was about 9. (I am nearly 51 now)

Q.) When was the first time you noticed that you were a vampire?

A.)  I first realised I was definately vampire when I was feeling tired and a bit drained at my supermarket workplace and I realised if I stared intently hard at this woman in front I could feel a lot more energised. Only when on subsequent occasions she complained about being drained I realised what was going on.

Q.) Would you be open to trying to drink human blood?

A.) Yes, I would.

Q.) What were your first steps after your realized you were a vampire?

A.) I then got in touch with House of the Dreaming, which I found when presenting about real vampires to my Pagan group. Messaged Madame X in the email within the book. Was damned amazed to get one back!

Q.) What is the House of the Dreaming?

A.) It's a vampire house.

The House of the Dreaming is an online group for vampiric individuals to congregate. Created and led by their matriarchical leader Madma X who hails from Portugal.

Link to their website:

Q.) When you say vampire house, what do you mean by this?

A.) Its a safe place for vampires to meet, learn and engage in projects.

Q.) How does one become a vampire?

A.) It's what one is. people have different theories on that. Energy of course can be manipulated, but its not achieved through a bite.

Q.)How do you choose a donor?

A.) Actually, I don't. My favourite feeding place when I get the chance is at an airport. Lots of excess ambient energy, its like electricity: it spikes.

Q.) How often do you do this?

A.) I'm not sure really. Consciously, whenever I go to an airport or a place where energy spikes.I suppose I feed through therapy sometimes. When someone is throwing out emotion. Is part of the healing.Not all the time. it depends on what the energy is.

Q.)When you practice this psychic vampirism what is it like? What is the process for you?

A.)I feel a buzzing sometimes, like a purring, like a cat. The process is visualisation.

Q.) What sort of enegery attracts you the most?

A.)Electricity. Or things that spike (i.e. not constant)

Q.) What sort of people have electrical enegery?

A.) We all do.

But it's what we throw out. So for example, airports are great because when someone greets another, they all spike. There's that sudden intake of energy.

Think about a conversation. When people first say hello or haven't met each other, the speed / rapidity of the conversation feels different just before it calms downbut at an airport, that energy is constant because new people keep appearing.

Q.) Are you feeding on me through this interview right now?

A.) Lol. I was a little. But then my fiance was talking to me at the same time so it lessened the intensity.

While conducting the interview, I had been veiled and had a few sacred oils anointed the silk veil, I feel what felt like a warm electric massager clothed in leather being raked across my scalp. I felt a bit sleepy, nothing bad.

Q.) Is there anything that you would like for the general public to know about vampires?

A.)Firstly, we are born, we live, we die. My spirit is phoenix and reincarnates in itself and after death... but this body will die just like any other. Secondly, any bullet will kill us. Doesn't need to be silver.

Thirdly, we can go out in daylight.

Fourthly, many of us like garlic

-

If you enjoyed this interview, make sure to support us here and over on our Instagram!

https://www.instagram.com/daturaparanormal?igsh=bHpwZmF3Mzg0cjdm

Know that you are loved and stay safe! ❤️

~ Investigator Laz.

[sage3sblog]

Outlaw Love: A Cowboys Seduction of High Society

Chapter 1: Debutant

Eloise POV

I can hardly breathe in this thing.

I can’t breathe in this damn thing.

 “Eloise”

The shout over the quartet tossed me out of my thoughts. Turning just in time to see my sister Katherine coming toward me with open arms. Her husband was nowhere to be seen which didn't surprise me. I don’t have much time to react as her arms wrap around me and she pulls me into a hug,

“Katherine,” I groan but the hug only gets tighter as she refuses to let go until the hug is returned with the same enthusiasm.

“I didn’t think you’d do something like this. I can’t believe you’re getting married!”

I give a smile, truthfully I am just as surprised as she is. I never intended for this, I wanted a life of adventure running amuck with the other cowboy outlaws that remained in our not-so-little town. We’ve both been to these sorts of arrangements, one being Katherine’s and the others being family friends.

“You’ve met Jensen haven’t you?” Katherine asked with a smile gesturing with her head toward the direction of the man she walked in with earlier. He was in the corner plucking hors d’oeuvres off a silver platter from the service hired for the evening. Rolling my eyes now stared at the floor before putting on a fake smile and a soft “uhuh…” escaped my lips. A small curl that fell too far forward in front of my face now tickled my skin. I tucked it back behind my ear. “Jensen…” Katherine said waving her hand about in the air trying to get the attention of her husband who looked like he was about to shovel everything off the silver plate and into his mouth. He glanced over like a dog who had been shouted at for doing something wrong. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he made his way over to them.

“And where is the man of the hour?” Jensen asked a small smirk on his face as he looked around the ballroom of the house.

“Oh yes, where is Phineas?” Katherine naked looking among the crowd of the new man in my life. Even hearing his name made my skin crawl. I sighed but kept it subtle before glancing around the room for my obnoxious possibly drunk off his ass fiance. “Oh, there he is!” Katherine said pointing through the crowd to the man striding toward them, his brunette hair slicked back and styled **perfectly** as he would say in his words.

“I wondered when your sister would show up,” Phineas said as he slurred in the shell of my ear; his arm around my waist. “I told you it would take her a moment to arrive…” I said in response rolling my shoulders a bit trying to free myself from his grip. This seemed to be noticed by Phineas which only caused him to grip tighter at my waist. The whole situation was fitting given the anxiety that now lay in the pit of my belly.

Despite my thoughts of morbid death infiltrating my brain, I couldn’t help but admire the layout of the chandeliers in the ballroom. The way their lights were filtering around the room, the fact they were possibly visible from the streets. I wondered if those out on the streets of Saint-Denis had often wondered what it would be like to be in the plantation home. I had a moment, staring at the chandelier, and wished that it would rock itself off the ceiling and hit me; taking me out of my misery. There was an obvious conversation happening within my surroundings, the only thing I could hear was Phineas’ words.

“Right, Sweetpea?” Phineas asks giving my shoulder a nudge bringing me back into the moment. “I–y-yeah…” I started not knowing what was being discussed at the moment. The reaction gained soft laughter from my sister and Jensen. Standing there for a moment, feeling the heat rise on my cheeks I turned on my heels and walked away.

That feeling hit, and that feeling grew larger in the pit of my belly. Here I am spiraling once again.

I shouldn’t be here.

Why am I here? I’m not good enough to be here. Who brought me here?

This isn’t the life for me, I’m not made for this like my sisters are. They love this high-society life, but I can’t see myself continuing to live like this. All the social gatherings, the dinner parties, cocktail hours, brandy and cigars for the men. None of it was for me, that’s something I’d never let leave my mind. Sticking close to the walls, I sink closer to one of the random buffet tables set up in the corner. No one has noticed me there as I scan the table items. I’m not very good at conversations anyway. What do the wealthy talk about anyway?

Where are we finding gold?

Any steamboat parties?

Have you been hunting and caught anything worthy of hanging on the walls?

Lost in thought, my foot catches on something heavy. I come crashing face-first into someone’s chest.

Damnit.

“I’m so sorry…” I gasp as I step backward.

Of course, while trying to avoid making a fool of myself in front of my family, I managed to fall right into trouble. With a glance toward my feet, I confirm that I tripped over a man’s boot, a muddy and dirty boot. The mud had transferred to my shoes causing me to sigh a little out of relief if anything.

He doesn’t say anything. Makes no sudden movements either.

I draw my attention to his suit, it looked out of character for someone like him. He looked like he didn’t belong here. Out of place, in comparison to everyone else that was in the room.

The man eyes me, a soft grunt escaping from him as he brings a glass to his lips. The liquid sloshes in the glass returning to its original state at the bottom of the glass. His hands are rough and calloused, a small bit of scarring scattered about his fists. To me, this reveals that he is not a regular in attendance at this get-together. Unless he was invited by someone else in attendance but of course that is unlikely considering the attire.

Fear runs down my spine, I wonder if I should warn anyone. No, I force myself to look higher, at his face, looming a whole foot taller than myself. Despite the heels on my feet. My breath catches in my chest, as all hope I originally had for reconciliation with this man fades.

His dark hair hangs in his face, it seems like it was originally slicked back but he was against the idea. Now let it settle before his eyes. He’s here impersonating a gentleman in the high society lifestyle that’s obvious to me now. He has a slight threat of violence behind his eyes, and scars below his left eye as if he were attacked by something. His jaw was lined with a dark-colored beard, it was somewhat grown, more overgrown if I were being honest.

He lets the glass in his hand lower once more from his lips, giving a glance that gave a sense of not being worth his time. His gaze lingers down my body and back to my face. He has yet to speak, a hint of anxiety, or was it adrenaline hitting my veins?

An outlaw? An outlaw in attendance at my get-together. If there was one, that means there were others as well. I should get away before it is too late but something about this man before me, it’s interesting.

I take a small step backward.

Another.

One more.

There is a slight silence that is soon interrupted by the sound of the quartet starting to play a fast rhythmic song. The sound caused her to jump once more and then it happened. He spoke to her.

“You shold be more careful,” he said, his voice low a hint of attitude just beneath the surface. “There are others here who wouldn’t be so forgiving as I.” Hearing his words, sent another shiver of adrenal anxiety through my body. What did he mean by that? Was it meant to be a threat?

“Y-yeah…” my voice is shaky. “I was just leaving…over there…” I give a vague hand gesture and disappear off into the crowd. He invaded my mind in that moment and would stay there for the rest of the evening.

[konstantintreplev]

WIP Wednesday

apropos of nothing, the one time i wrote monica hicks coming back into morse's life, however briefly (this was for a version of lhbg that never really coalesced. maybe i'll repurpose it someday, as i'm very fond of their dynamic!) (oh, and win's here too.)

Morse wakes up in their bed, alone. Or at least, he thought he was alone. He nearly shouts when he sees her sitting in a chair beside his bed, darning a sock, like nothing’s changed since the last time Blenheim Vale imploded his life. 

Monica. “Good morning, dear. Dr. DeBryn gave me a ring. Said there was a stubborn patient who needed watching over, and did I have any spare time?” Her words are a little biting, but her smile is as gentle as it ever was. The perfect nurse, the perfect caregiver. 

Could’ve been the perfect girl. “I’m fine,” he groans, wiping sleep from his eyes, his head still hurting, but not as much as the night before. 

“Your doctor colleague said you hadn’t been sleeping.”

“Surely you’ve heard. Or he told you.”

“I know that your old governor died.”

“Was killed.”

“Yes. I am sorry, Morse.”

“Of all the nurses DeBryn could be friends with…”

“Actually, I volunteered. It could’ve been one of my colleagues instead.” She looks around at the room, her eyes tracing the bed, her fingers never stopping the darning of the sock – Thursday’s sock, Morse realizes – and she simply says, “DeBryn claims you and the old governor… the one who brought you back that night so many years ago… he said you were ‘close’.” There is no judgment in her voice, but not much acceptance, either. 

Morse decides to be as bold as he can be, because if he can’t be bold with Monica, who can he be bold with? “We were lovers,” he says, voice puncturing the air. “We were having an affair.” 

Monica stops darning. “You never learned, did you, Morse?” 

“No.”

...

Monica just smiles, before laughing. “I’m engaged now, did you know that?” She reveals her ringed finger. 

“I hear getting married’s back in vogue now, yes,” Morse husks out. 

“He’s a good man. I don’t think you’d two get along, but he’s a good man.” Monica hands him the darned sock, and he scrunches it up in his fist, as she begins to pack up her things. “You’re conscious, your color is back, and I will give a clean bill of health to Dr. DeBryn. Oh, and… you may have broken my heart, Morse, but hearts heal. Or at least, mine certainly did.”

“I’m glad,” and Morse can genuinely say that, without feeling jealous of Monica’s new fiance or anything. It’s not like it’s Jim Strange, or something. 

Out in the hall, he hears Monica saying ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ to someone, and he assumes it’s DeBryn, so he makes no real effort to make himself look presentable. 

It’s not DeBryn, though. 

It’s his counterpart, the other poor widowed soul, clutching a large overcoat to her chest, staring at Morse in his pajamas, tangled in a quilt, one which Thursday used to wrap himself in, more often than not. 

Morse freezes. 

Win doesn’t. “I was going through Fred’s things, trying to decide what to do with them – I’m moving in with Joan and Jim – and I found this old winter coat of his. Maybe with some tailoring it would fit you.” She sets it on the bed, before placing her hand, still bearing her wedding ring, around the frame, clenching it, knuckles white. “What a lovely bed. It’s good to see you taking care of yourself in little ways, Morse.”

Morse just nods, mouth dry, mouth parched, wishing for all the world that he could leap through one of the curtained windows in the room. 

“Well. I just came by to drop it off. Do whatever you’d like with it. I’m sure I’ll see you around Kidlington sometime. Maybe for tea or supper. Take care of yourself, Morse.” Her eyes leave something unspoken, but she rubs her wedding ring absently with her other hand before racing out of the room, and she breathes through her nose all the way out to the car where Joan is waiting, wide-eyed, where she refuses to break down. 

Unlike Morse, who grabs the coat, presses it to his face, and inhales the scent of the man who was forced to leave both him and Win Thursday behind, before wrapping himself in a coat far too big for him, for a moment, if only a moment, trying to understand how Thursday felt all those times he stayed with him and away from Win.

[paleneckauthorcowboy]

This is the next fic in the timeline, c!Kestin is in a new invirment and he's not doing great. TW!! Discussion of a toxic relationship, HABIT just being HABIT, brief implication of death.

I'm alive, I don't know how or why but I am. It's been a few weeks since I woke up here in New Jersey. I was found in the middle of the woods by a kind man, his name is Evan. He brought me back to his place, which is where I am staying now. Evan said that I could stay as long as I need, at least until I can get back up on my feet.

He's a total sweetheart; I mean, he checks up on me a lot and asks me about my day. He's one of the kindest men I've ever met, not to mention that he's kind of a goofball. He seems to go out of his way to try and make me laugh. It just feels like I could talk to him for hours and never get tired of it. 

He seemed very curious about my past, rightfully so; I mean I am technically just some guy that he found passed out in the middle of the woods. Despite all of his questions about my life before, I always just gave generic answers, never daring to go into any detail, out of fear that if he knew that he'd just think I was crazy and make me leave. But, things can change so fast; whether I like it or not.

I had been feeling pretty awful almost all day, not due to anything Evan had done. I just couldn't get out of my own head and just kept thinking about the past. I could get HIM out of my mind, the him in question being Alex. My now Ex-fiance, it hurt a lot to look back on his actions with my rose colored glasses removed, I could see every little thing I missed. Did he truly love me or was what he did just a clever ploy to stop further infection of the operator sickness? Would he have actually killed me if I hadn't done it myself? 

I'm fairly certain that anyone within a 12 mile radius could tell that I was upset, especially Evan or at least who I thought was Evan. He playfully nudged me, trying to get me to look at him or look at something that he was doing. "Evan... please I'm really tired, so could you please stop it." I spoke in a slightly serious tone, as much as I love his antics; I just don't have the energy for it right now. 

I feel his fingers on my cheeks and his palm under my chin, I tense very noticeably at the sudden touch but do nothing. I then feel him abruptly squeeze my face and yank it towards him, essentially forcing me to look at him. "I'm not Evan... also, don't you think it's a bit rude to lie, sweetheart?"  He asked what felt like a condescending tone, or like he was trying to scare me. Unfortunately, panic responded before I could think. I pushed him off of me with a rough shove. He fell off of the couch with a loud thud.

I felt instant regret as my mind raced, "Oh my gosh... I'm so- I didn't- sorry I just- I'm sorry.." I couldn't seem to string together a fully comprehensive sentence, my own distress causing anything I say to come out faster than my brain could process. I was trying to reach out for him, but I only got about half way until I pulled back; planting my hands into my lap, as if to stop myself from causing any additional damage. 

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that... I just- didn't think before I acted." I did my best to explain, I felt my hands shaking, but I wasn't scared of him hurting me, I could handle that. What I'm really scared of is him hating me or even just simply being mad at me. "I'm sorry.." I apologized again, my throat burned as I swallowed hard; doing everything in my power to not let the hot tears pricking at the corners of my eyes fall. "Woah, come on don't get you boxers in a bunch. It's fine, I'm not mad." He broke the awkward silence, trying to lighten the mood.

"Okay, I'm sorr-'' before I could finish my sentence he put his finger up to my mouth and shushed me. "Hun, you apologize way too much." He smirked at me, although his tone sounded a little bit annoyed. When he called me hun, it almost made my heart skip a beat, but at the same time it... hurt. "Please don't call me 'hun', I only really let people I'm close to call me pet names." I very gently pushed his hand away, looking him in the eyes with a semi serious look. 'His eyes are really pretty.' I thought to myself. 

Then I internally panicked at 'no no fuck why?' Do I like him? I think I do but I'm not sure. I looked away from him, focusing my gaze on the floor. "Well, then we need to get to know each other and get close. I'm Habit, I'm the demon who possesses your little boyfriend, and you don't need to introduce yourself, I already know who you are." He replied still with that smirk on his face, he leaned in close to me. I instinctively lean back and put my hands up, ready to push him back again.

"What- he not my boyfriend! We're not- I mean that's not to say I don't like him- like he's cute- I mean... uhh I don't know, I just know we're not dating!" I felt my stomach tighten, words once again fell out of my mouth before I really thought about what I was saying. "What I'm hearing is that you like him. Why not just go for it?" Habit asked, leaning in closer. I put my hands on his chest and pushed him back, just hard enough for him to get that I was uncomfortable.

"Because- I don't know I'm just... not ready to enter another relationship." I didn't even realize what I said until I heard Habit chuckle. "Another relationship? What? did you just have a bad breakup?" He seemed just be joking around but it was enough to push me over the edge. The dam broke and I felt warm tears stain my cheeks. He stopped laughing, just staring at me with a look that said 'oh shit, I didn't mean to do that.' 

"Oh, I'll take that as a yes. Uh, sorry. Do you want to talk about it?" He asked, awkwardly patting my shoulder. I just broke, I couldn't hide how I felt, or the things that I went through anymore. "I just got out of a pretty unhealthy relationship just before Evan found me.. it wasn't always bad. It was just the time around the end of the relationship that was... not great." I spoke crossing my arms over my chest, Habit looked at me, waiting for me to continue. 

"He... my Ex-fiance... was kind of extremely manipulative and ended up isolating me from any other support system other than him... and then he kind of walked away for a bit, leaving me completely isolated. He also kind of was insane..." I explained Habit didn't look happy, understandably so. "So, he cut you off from everyone you loved and just left you alone? He sounds like a real piece of shit." He said through gritted teeth. I just looked down. "Yeah, I guess. He wasn't alway like that though, he used to be kind of sweet." I mumbled to myself, Habit shook his head. 

"The reason I can't just 'go for it' is because I know that I'm not over my ex, it wouldn't be right to start a new relationship when I'm still thinking of someone else. I'd only possibly hurt him and myself in the process." I explained further, Habit nodded. "That's understandable." He shrugs and stands up before plopping back down on the couch. "I... I do like him. I just need time to process what I feel and what I've gone through before I try to do anything." I got up and sat on the couch as well. Calming myself down.

 "I understand that and so does he. We are more than willing to wait for you for as long is needed. I promise you." He put a hand on my shoulder and I tensed up, he noticed almost immediately and tried to retract his hand. I grabbed it and gave it a nice squeeze. "Thank you, I don't think you understand how much that means to me." He squeezed my hand back, "my pleasure." We just sat there holding each other's hand for a little while.

They kept true to their promise and stayed right by my side for my entire journey of healing. And, when I was finally ready. I asked both Evan and Habit out, but that's a story for another day. For now I'll just enjoy my own version of happily ever after.

[chenqingssuibian]

so! mystery lotus casebook, episode four! i have just finished it, and may rewatch it later, but! here are my thoughts for now:

- yu hongzhu is a milf. look at her. really a worthy holder of the title madam yu after queen yu ziyuan. if yall don't start fan casting this woman as your young-yzy and writing angsty fics about her and jiang fengmian i swear to GOD I will do it myself

- they were really gonna flame broil my main man dr li. they really were. but duobing came in clutch with the. were they needles he threw to break the chains? he broke something. anyway

- speaking of li lianhua we have been graced with a new outfit. i am going to thank word of honor specifically for the new-outfits-every-episode for no other reason that i saw wen kexing do it first. and also cheng yi, because GOD does he look pretty in teal

- watching them examine the body and realize there is no Way she was only dead for a day was very funny. especially because li lianhua already suspected it and was so smug about it being confirmed

- that's the thing about li lianhua. he is a smug bitch. i cannot Wait for him to finally be surprised

- the whole murder plot is good. i like this investigation! they're following up leads! they're scrounging around! they're extracting a needle from poor qiushuang's heart!

- speaking of qiushuang's heart. there is no way she did not know her sister thought her best friend was in love with her fiancé. like... i know we never see her on screen but c'mon she can't be stupid

- and that best friend. she played a part in her murder? gut wrenching. even more gut wrenching when we realize that she was only trying to save the man she loves

- shadow puppets play a large part in this episode. I need you to know that. i Love shadow puppets theyre my favorite kind of puppetry so this is Very good for me

- duobing does something smart this episode and sets a trap in best friend's room to catch the killer when he tries to tie up loose ends! good job duobing! have a cookie <3

- and in the end, who did it? who killed poor qiushuang? the brother in law. for money! i had a feeling that shady bitch was part of it but they Did get me with the whole love poem for qiushuang's fiance bit.

- either way - yun jian, girl, bestie. your best friend's brother in law? I know you're catatonic from realizing your lover murdered your best friend but we Need to talk about this

- unfortunately this episode ends before we get the true conclusion - sure, they've revealed the gambling debts brother in law has-apparently the fangs are bankers, because duh-and the affair and the special family technique with shadow puppetry, but. they cut to the ending song </3 which means i wont get to see yu hongzhu's beat down until at Least when I get home around 7:30 pm. ah well

anyway. 9/10 for the episode I just wish we'd gotten the conclusion to the case in it. and that we had a proper goodbye from li'er, who duobing sent back home. but oh well

[goth-oatmilk-latte]

is there a story behind meeting new Mr oatmilk that you want to share w the class?<3 (ps he sounds like a well deserved upgrade)

sure!! so btw he took the photos of me at the cemetery/my current pfp!!

him and i have actually known each other for probably like 6 years or so. when we first met, he was married and we didnt really talk we just had a lot of mutual friends bc we like the same music and go to a lot of the same shows and we would just see each other in passing. he ended up telling me he was intrigued by me bc i had done a photoshoot and my pfp when we met was me holding a butcher knife in a wednesday addams outfit, and he said he knew i had to be an interesting person from that alone. he is quite shy though. we would also see each other places but never really said more than hi to one another. he got divorced in 2020, we talked a little then, but not really. then he dated his now most current ex, more or less bc she basically cornered him into a relationship while he was just getting over his divorce and homegirl needed a place to stay. hes told me he regrets it and said he literally should have kept trying with me bc being shy with me would have been a hell of a lot better than how things worked out for the 2.5 years of abuse she put him through. (his words)

last year we started talking a lot bc he was posting a lot of concerning stuff to his insta private story and so i kind of talked him thru his abusive relationship he was currently in and he mentioned he really needed a close friend. we ended up becoming gym partners for a bit before both our now exs went batshit over it and our friendship as a whole. and we stopped talking for a bit...and then we would talk a little here and there. and we both mutually agreed we were both in shit relationships.

around may, he texted me and told me him and his ex finally broke it off after months of him trying (long story) but he still wanted to at least be my friend again bc he missed me a lot. and i told him i was also dealing with more or less trying to leave my fiance. this is actually around the time i found the flashdrive full of nudes from other women ex mr oatmilk was keeping from me. and i finally left mr oatmilk after he tried to go thru my phone while i was in the shower, which prompted an argument about why it didnt matter who i was friends with bc he couldnt stop entertaining other women and i even pulled out the flashdrive and was like yeah im done.

so me and new mr oatmilk started hanging out more. he would go on walks with me after work. or we would go back to being gym buddies. or we would grab dinner. go to a bookstore. i helped him pick out stuff for his new apartment.

i asked him if he wanted to go see the cure with me at the end of last month and he surprised me by paying for a 2 night hotel stay for us instead of us just driving 2 hrs. and thats also when we went to the cemetery to walk around bc he knew id like it. thats pretty much when we decided we were actually an item.

i helped him move into a new apartment last weekend. and tonight im surprising him with making him dinner. ive pretty much stayed over since he moved in, which is funny bc he got a smaller bed than he would normally get bc he originally told me he didnt wanna feel lonely since it's just him...but he has only spent like one night alone since living there lol.

whats really fucked up tho is his ex is always trying to instigate with me...from doxing me in a bar bathroom, to literally driving by his new place to see if i am there. and shes friends with my ex now too. she's harassed me via text and social media, too. but it's fine, i dont usually engage. which pisses her off.

him and i are happy 🥰 hes honestly lovely.

[manicdepressivebipolar]

Its been a while...

Good day,

I think this will be the first time using this application connected to my phone. I guess this looks decent?

Okay let's start.

Today is April 9, 2023 in Philippine time.

2023 has been a year of growing my success building my financial strength and reflecting on my personality. But before all of that why I wanted to share this story of my rise above my broke era is that I want to humble myself and be really thankful for God or any higher being that was guiding me along the way.

Year 2022 a summary.

2021 I was at job that pays as little as 8-12k a month and I was trying to make ends meet from my schooling, my rent and my daily needs. I opted to find a job that sounds futuristic - I switched to an online job. This was one of the best decision I had in my life looking back. 2022 I was having double job, I invested on tech to keep my two jobs and it was working. Since one of my job was paying high enough to cover both of my jobs I continued on even though I know it was ruining my physical and mental health. I was an HR Director and a web designer on the side. I decided to leave my job immediately  when I found myself crying and dragging myself to work on a daily basis. It was literally killing me.

I did not have any back-up job or whatsoever. All along I was relying on my savings. The wrong turn was I was using it for my leisure and not looking for a new job. Anyway, I got broke and went into different loan sharks to make ends meet. This was another and one of my biggest downfall ever.

I landed a job after 6 months from a finance company in the US. It did not pay me well at first but I did not have much choice. Slowly, I was able to pay my depths and gaining back my social activities but everything seems to be a blurr moving forward 2022 from there then - I kept going out, partying, being with strangers to have fun and did illegal things on the side up until the last day of December.

It did not really affect my financial but I know I was still in depth.

from June of 2022 till November 30 - I was juggling three jobs. Just to pay everything already. I eas making my life work, I was paying what I owed people and banks.

Until I decided to let go of one job that really helped me rise up. I could not keep it due to the stress it was giving me on a daily basis. I kept my fiance job due to its flexibility in working terms as a digital nomad and one job that I got as a blessing from my friend which was a direct hire in Texas, USA.

Since December I was earning alot more than I was expecting. Slowly, I was rising from my era of being broke.

2023.

My salary increased by 10,000 pesos in finance and the other job paid as it is but I had alot of extra hours worked so, I was living comfortably by January. I was able to buy the phone that I wanted, I got a free PC from my company, I was paying my own place and bills without anyone helping and I get go help my boyfriend while he kept going in fulfilling his dreams in being a doctor here in the Philippines.

When my boyfriend passed the board exams. We promised that 2023 was a year of us fulfilling our dreams, meeting our goals and establishing our professional career while we were fixing our relationship and making our bond more stronger including our family.

2023.

Looking back at my 2022 and comparing my situation now, I am really blessed. God or any higher being that helped me out of that dark hole, humbles me every single time. I also want to take credit for never giving up on the situations I was in. I kept going. I kept myself from being humble without losing my stand on my personality at work.

I had so much day and reason to give up already in life but there is always that voice "matatapos din to", " I will have the life that I want" and " kaya ko to". Those simple motivation in my head really kept me going.

My boyfriend landed a job, I kept going and earning. Both of us is building our financial stability and strength, earning together, saving, treating ourselves on the side and finally hindi na kami magugutom.

I remember, before halos wala talaga kami makaen. We needed to tipid the things we have. We relied on the little money we have to eat on a daily basis. But now, we have abundance of money, food, other supplies and we can treat ourselves and or family. We are so lucky!

I know we are still starting but as early as now I just want to be thankful with all the blessings I am receiving, my boyfriend is receiving and I hope this continues and everything we manifested will be soon be true.

From negative balances to an abundance as of today. I can't help shed a tear or cry a river of tears on this journey. It truly is a miracle and just really leaves me in an awe on how I did everything.

[gaps-between-stories]

Fic Preview

A sneak peek at my OFMD/36 Questions AU.

“And I loved who I was with you.”

The more time that passed, the more Stede thought that he might’ve actually escaped his past. After two years of silence, of no attempts to drag him back to New York, or worse, London, he’d thought that they’d finally have a chance. 

“They finally tracked me down after years of running.” First it was the PIs he’d caught lurking in the cul-de-sac, a problem solved quietly with a quick phone call. Izzy had grumbled about sending over Ivan and Fang while still on the clock. 

Ed hadn’t even been in town that weekend. 

After 4 months of hearing nothing else, Stede had naively thought they were in the clear, thought that Ed would never need to know. 

He wouldn’t have, if it weren’t for the next visit 6 months later, this time Chauncey -fucking-Badminton holding Crown papers that he’d torn to shreds. Ed had arrived home just as he was leaving, Stede scrambling for purchase to keep it together under his husband’s questioning. 

That one had been harder to explain away. He’d pulled together some half-baked story about being the beneficiary of his estranged father’s estate, that ‘yes, his father had actually been alive when they first meet,’ but ‘no, I haven't spoken to him in fifteen years,’ and ‘yes, I am certain I was written out of the will,’ and ‘no, none of this effects us, darling, it was the clerical error of an aging family lawyer who should have retired half a decade ago.’ 

Ed hadn’t believed him then. Stede knew he didn’t – Stede knew him better than anyone else, better than himself most days. Edward hadn’t believed him then, but he’d eventually dropped the subject after Stede looked him right in the eyes and lied through his teeth, promising they would be alright. It was a promise he’d had no business making, which he knew then, too, but he was still desperately trying to outpace a live fuse that grew shorter every day. 

“I tried to cling to the life I'd made together with you. So I did the only thing I knew how to: I denied who I was, because I wanted to keep my life, but the better version. Stede – your husband – He was a better person.” 

The final match was struck two weeks later. Edward had opened the door before Stede could get to it, and standing in the doorway was the end of the world – well, the end of Stede’s, anyway. 

“And before I knew what was happening, there was Mary standing at our front door, holding divorce papers, asking you about Stede Bonnet. And I knew instantly.”

She wasn’t even angry. That was the worst part of it all. She stood in that doorway, asking only for her freedom, a second chance at happiness after all of these years. 

“You know, they say before you die your whole life flashes before your very eyes. Well, I can say quite confidently that it didn't the first time. But this time? This time I heard each and every lie I'd ever told you.” Beside him now, Ed’s breath hitched at the memory. 

Stede could remember that day in chilling detail, everything seemingly moving in slow motion. The way that Ed’s knuckles whitened as they gripped the doorknob, the way he slowly turned to look at Stede, chest rising and falling like waves crashing against the hull of a ship. The look on Ed’s face had seared itself into Stede’s memory, haunting him every time he closed his eyes since. 

They’d found themselves sitting in the living room, Ed listening silently as she explained the way her painting career had taken off since finding her painting instructor - her now fiance - a man who made her desperately happy, who the children had taken to like he was their own, who would marry her tomorrow if she’d allow him. That she wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for the small issue of their technically still legal marriage. 

Stede had signed those papers without hesitation.

Much to his relief, they had been more than taken care of financially in his absence, his father allowing them a not insignificant bursary following Stede’s abandonment to keep them quiet about it, followed by a sizable inheritance after his death. 

The children were thriving now, Alma was sharp as a whip and Louis was sweet as can be, all of them having relocated to Toronto to be closer to Doug’s family – ‘they have grandparents now, Stede’ she’d told him. She’d even left a couple of photographs, and an open invitation to call. 

Stede had tried to listen, to focus his attention on the multitude of wonderful news Mary was telling him. But beyond his initial relief that he hadn’t permanently scarred them, he couldn’t truly divert his attention away from the growing angst coming from the corner Edward was sitting in. 

When Mary finally swept out of their door an hour later, leaving the men alone again, the silence between them was suffocating. 

Stede had desperately tried to bridge the divide, ‘please let me explain, my love.’ 

Ed had slowly stood from his seat, and Stede had watched him cross the living room, through the kitchen, into the foyer, wordlessly pocketing his keys and wallet as he went, before walking out the door. 

That was the last time Stede had seen him before this morning. 

Stede would walk that route dozens of times, recreating the path the love of his life took out of his life. 

His words came out in a whisper, now. “I memorized your voice and how you say goodbye. But you never said goodbye –” his voice caught on the words, an accusation, a plea. “You never said goodbye, Edward, and I – I tried desperately to hold on to our life, to who I was with you.

“And I understood that you needed space, time. But you left, Ed, you left and you didn't say goodbye and I waited. I waited. I counted and I waited and you wouldn’t answer your phone and Izzy wouldn’t tell me where you were and it was like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t – I didn’t – I don’t know how to breathe without you.”

[authoralexharvey]

hi hi!! i got sidetracked by last minute homework but I'm now here to ask you all the questions 💕

the empress, the hierophant, three of cups, six of cups, eight of cups, knight of swords, and ace of wands!

Hey Andi! Bring on the questions <3

Putting this under a read-more cause I'm a wordy bitch lmao

Send me tarot card questions!

03. THE EMPRESS: CREATIVITY (What do you do to feed your creativity and gain inspiration?) 

Anything and everything, to be honest. Read books. Play games. Go on walks. Stare at incredible art. Sometimes just the way the world works (the first inklings of the idea for ASMLP came about because I carry a notebook everywhere sometimes and one time it got me thinking about wizards with spell books so. When I say everything I do really mean it!)

05. THE HIEROPHANT: TRADITION (Do you have any writing traditions you follow or plan to implement?) 

I am getting better at "butt in chair, hands on keyboard"... Trying to make myself a schedule just never pans out because I depress myself with my inability to maintain it. You know what's been working though? Forcing myself to write when I have a moment. Woke up earlier than I anticipated before work? Time to write. On lunch? Time to write. Waiting with my fiance at the dealership so he can get his car looked at? Time to get writing.

Granted, if I am in a place with internet, which I often am, I tend to get sidetracked incredibly easily. I could be writing right now, for instance. That, too, I am learning to work with. I'm on tumblr again? Okay, I can scroll for five minutes and then I have to tab back. Shit like that.

24. THREE OF CUPS: CELEBRATION (How do you celebrate your wins, or plan to?)

I don't have like. A set way to. With my last publication, it happened to go live the same day I went to a pride festival which happened to have a talent show (hosted by Eric Millegan of TV show Bones acclaim) that I happened to get myself into last minute and I happened to get to read the first scene of said short that just got published. And that was pretty rad.

Mostly though I will twirl around my room or thank the Gods or get myself a nice treat because I deserve it.

27. SIX OF CUPS: CHILDHOOD (Have you written since you were a child or did you pick up the skill as an adult?)

My origin story technically is I've been writing since I was two when I scribbled in my mother's Tomb Raider (?) guide book, but the first thing I actually wrote was when I was six years old. Either way, I've been at this since I was a kid!

29. EIGHT OF CUPS: WALKING AWAY (At what point would you walk away from the goal of being published? Was there ever a moment where you considered it?)

Okayyyy so. Yes, actually.

2021 was... an awful year in a lot of respects. Dogshit awful bad. Working a job I hated, living somewhere I hated, feeling like I was going absolutely nowhere in my life in every single way. And it... sucked. It sucked so bad. And I could barely write a thing.

Worse still, I was watching a lot of my friends succeed. And like. Don't get me wrong, I was happy for them! But on top of everything else, it just felt like a constant downward spiral.

I made myself a deal. One more shot. A discord I was in was opening up submissions for an anthology. I told myself if I didn't get it, I would put down writing forever and I would give it up... Maybe not forever, but for a very long time.

Good news for everyone, clearly that's not what happened. I got published and now I'm building a small fanbase for myself. I'm in a better place all around tbh.

As for when to walk away from publishing I mean... tbh. I've all but sworn off traditional publishing. I know I stand no chance getting anywhere and I don't want to have my visions and my dreams neutered by an unfeeling, uncaring conglomerate. I am much happier doing this myself. That way, if I'm successful, I've at least earned it.

47. KNIGHT OF SWORDS: AMBITION (What is your loftiest, wildest goal?)

Answered this one!

64. ACE OF WANDS: NEW GROWTH (How do you grow the seed of an idea into a full story?)

Great question! Uhhhh It kinda depends on the project. Let's take ASMLP, for instance. I mentioned earlier just carrying a notebook around gave me an idea for a story about people who use spellbooks. I was also balls deep in Soulsborne Lore and wanted to write about monster hunters. I mashed the two together, started developing the colleges and where monsters come from and all that. Which led me to an idea a magic caster at a magic college who turns into a monster and whose "death" gets covered up. And from there, I built the characters and outlined a plot for once in my fucking life and. Boom. ASMLP was officially born.

[into-wonderland-caroline]

01/01/2023

Caitlyn & I are getting ready to leave for a yoga class shortly. The house is still quiet here. Kenzie and Grace are still asleep as well as Theo. Liam had to work this morning. He works at gym as a personal trainer and he told me yesterday that the next few weeks will be some of the busiest weeks all year long. Dozens of people will purchase gym memberships in the month of January because weight loss and physical appearance centered aspirations are the most popular among people who make new year's resolutions but according to my brother- those people with newly purchased memberships and their resolution in mind will just quit coming after a few weeks...most of them won't be seen at the gym again after the month of January. I am not a fan of new year resolution making personally but I think it's interesting to hear the effect new years has on businesses and things like that. My brother Liam and his fiance, Caitlyn actually both majored in college and have degrees in exercise science...they met working at the same gym in Washington state - like I said Liam is a personal trainer but actually since we've moved to Connecticut, Caitlyn hasn't gone back to a job as a personal trainer- she actually starts a new job next week...she'll be an occupational therapist assistant at a center who works with those on the autism spectrum! Pretty awesome...

This week I will meet with my new therapist as well as my new psychiatrist. I am pretty sure my new therapist practices some other types of trauma therapy like somatic experiencing [which I have had recommended to me by my old treatment team back in Washington state].

Also this week I have a try out for a year round competition volleyball team at the rec center [homeschool all your life means you find other places who have competing athletic teams] I have met the coaches already and they are both tough AF which I enjoy in sports coaches so I am pretty excited.

I guess I am just rambling on at this point and Caitlyn and I need to leave now so...I never know how people end blog type posts like this. So awkward...

Bye

[spacebunniezzz]

Haiiiii!!!!! Sorry it's been a while since I have been on here, I've been busy like REALLY busy! Lots of exciting stuff though so I guess I will give y'all an update on where I have been and what I have been up to since I know me dropping off tumblr was random lol!

Anyways, I have been doing really good! I moved in with my boyfriend very recently and so we have been hanging out a lot and have been playing Mario Kart (he always wins and I suck absolute ass lol) and have been watching shows like The Boys which we have recently finished so far and we have been watching 90 Day Fiance (ik it's a trashy reality show but its soooo good lol!)

I still need to find a job and some other stuff but I have plenty of options near me so I'm very happy and overall i think i am doing very good.

Talking about jobs, it felt so good to leave my old job, I didn't talk about it before because I was still working there but the place I used to work at was really bad. The a management was poor, the leadership was awful and the entire building was and still is slowly falling apart. There was so much wrong with my old job but maybe I will get into that in another post.

I'm very excited to see where this new chapter of my life takes me and I know maybe it's a lil goofy sounding but I'm pretty proud of myself for making it this far and doing all of this. I was worried I'd never leave my town but I did it! I did it and it feels so good!

Not trying to like shit on my hometown because it was alright and it was a cute place but it felt like it had lost its charm and it really hurt living there, it just made me sad and the winters gave me awful seasonal depression. Deep down I love my hometown but growing up and going through so much shit honestly just soured the place for me.

I'm very pop punk I guess, i love my friends and my hometown sucks lmfao!

Also another reason why I haven't posted a lot lately is because I don't know what to post about right now, I just don't have many ideas sadly. I know that there are things to talk about like Linkin Parks new vocalist or maybe some other dumb shit Ronnie Radke has been up to and trust me I really want to talk about Andy Biersack defending him too but I just don't feel like it right now, maybe eventually but I'm honestly just a little bit tuckered out and have been lately and I have been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend but don't worry I will probably post more stuff eventually but I'm not an influencer, I'm just some bitch with a bit of a following so I'm not really going to bother with having a set schedule for stuff at the moment and will probably just post whenever and when I'm not busy with my boyfriend but I just thought I'd chime in and let everyone know that I am doing well and everything is good.

Oh also totally has nothing to do with what I was talking about earlier but I've been listening to A Fever You Can't Sweat Out by P!ATD a lot recently and I'm going to have a bit of a hot take but I Write Sins and Lying Is the Most Fun (cut the name down cus damn that song is long) aren't even the best songs off of that album and also that album is so fucking good and I definitely want to talk about it more eventually but that will be saved for another time.

Anyways sorry for rambling but yeah again I just thought I would give an update. Also don't be nervous to ask me stuff, I definitely want to be asked more things because I enjoy replying to stuff on here, of course no worries if no one wants to ask me stuff, just don't be weird lol! XP

Anyways byyyyyyyyeeeeeee☆☆☆

[marmutgembil]

18th May 2024, And today I am exactly 24 years old, 1 Month and 1 Day

To celebrate, here is the list of everything that had been going on since the day I finally turned 24. The age that never once in my life thought going to reach. Ever since I turned like, 13 years old, the urge to end my life always there, the feeling of shameful of myself always in the back of my mind. But nevertheless, surprise, despite despite despite, I've reached this age, at the prime of 24, ready for more adventure of life.

So I'll stop yapping here, and here is the list!

I left my uncle's house first thing in the morning on 17th April, Jogja had pretty much clear sky at first, but suddenly it started raining so briefly. I remember thinking, well that was weird, right? Only when on the way to Stasiun Tugu, a double rainbow greeted me. LIke a full, bright rainbow that's really clear right in front me, as like as I walked into the the portal under the rainbow. I remember the joy, and I took that as a sign, that I was meant to reach that age and all the pains and struggle took me to that moment. A brief moment of clarity.

My fiance bought roses, red roses to be exact while picking me up from the airport. It was really romantic, and dear god I missed him so much after a week being apart. I cannot be apart too long from him!

He also arranged a mini birthday celebration for me, even though I was so tired and ready to pass out, I loved that he really cares and do his best. I love him.

I finally went out on and trying out a new restaurants, one that have all you can eat option. That restaurant also happens to be a nightclub, so it is also kind of fine dining restaurant. I really love the food, and coudn't even stop eating. The beef menus left a deep impression to my heart and definitely worth the money

I bought one bottle of perfume, and my sister gifted me one. I love both, but I think it would take me 2 years to finish it! I always quickly got bored, and definitely is already on the hunt for next favourite scent

I made mistakes at work, for more than several times a week, and then the last mistake was really put got my manager really dissapointed and maybe jeopardize the company. That was the hardest Friday of my entire life, and just for the background, i was fired once, and this felt even worse. My manager wasn't even speaking to me directly!

But my coworker is really nice to me and she comforted me. Also of course my fiance really being my rock for the entire time it happens.

Me and my fiance got into a big argument about the wedding ring. I was being greedy, ungrateful and definitely the love I have for him wasn't show up. I was really sad over a ring where it's already his best maximum to give at this moment, since he also prepared something extra nice to me on side. I let my intrusive thought win and trying to left him

Another big argument ignited, the final. He told me his side of the story and really wake me up to the reaity, where I am in fact, an ungrateful and greedy. He still loves me, despite everything, I don't even know why. But I take him for granted anymore. That night, I know I was being really cruel, but his love doesn't flatter, even for a bit.

I made up my decision to make my own ringbox, one that I painted my self. I want to be able to create something personal and memorable for our wedding.

With the help of my sister, I reached out to my online friends to 3D printed the box. And it was perfect, just like I wanted!

I finally reachout to a psikiatrist after the big fight, becasue at that time I felt like I want to cry all the times, as opposite of wanting to be angry and lashing out. Instead, it manifest into crying and self destruction, especially when things go south. I also keep have paranoia that everyone doesn't really like me, and everyday I have to fight the response to left everyone before they left me. I need constant affirmation, which I know would be so tiring to my fiance. I went, and was diagnosed with Bipolar.

And finally, finally, I am on meds for mood stabilitor. It made a world difference to me. No more procastination. No more unable to focus. I actually have energy to do everything, from as simply as doing laundry and keeping my space tidy, to watch movies and working on my side job without procastination. And at work, I no longer feel afraid and like everyone hates me secretly. I feel more positive and certainly not always awkward and on tension. I can do my commute to work every morning and evening, without being angry or sad after remembering random events.

That's 13 things so far, and after I look back to the entire list, the whole thing isn't a bad thing to start my 24th :)

[thepancakewitch]

venting n talkin

Eeughh career wise I'm still not sure what I wanna do. I think I'd be an excellent therapist but I really love creating.

The most logical but somehow most arduous process seems to be becoming an art teacher, then work on my masters during that time. I just cannot stand being at my work for another year, I absolutely resent my coworkers and I know I shouldn't but ugh.... they're awful. I get to see a therapist today so hopefully that's all good lol. I also get to ask about my DID and hypersexuality and see what we can do.

I also got to smooch and cuddle so many people at Orc Wars, it was awesome!!! I'm so like, crushing hard on this one guy... I only met him a few times but he's been so sweet and kind. His fiance and her girlfriend are absolute angels to me, I think they're a wonderful throuple. I would love to be apart of it eheehh..... but back to the guy, ugh ^^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; I haven't crushed on anybody in a bit so it's like really strong!!! He looked at me so tenderly and went, "You're so adorable" and I just melted into nothing then. My friend did my make up and he's like "oh you look amazing", with his big gorgeous smile and oh... gosh... He just held onto me and we hugged for so long, aaaahhh x333333333

I got to get closer to a friend, Blue, and we kissed, she was so sweet to me. She did my make up and it was like, I just felt so intimate with her all weekend. It's so deep and powerful being connected to a woman. Lesbian relationships are just so deeply connecting, I feel like ascends the physical realm and mostly becomes mentally stimulating. It kind of explains why I find it hard to be like my usual sort of aggressive sexiness, it's more like oh heeeyyyyyy how're youuu~~~ kind of a thing lol lol. I used to worry I didn't have a connection to women because I didn't feel the same as I do with men, but now I've learned it's different and I just enjoy the closeness so much. It's like the whispers of your hearts touch one another and become whole together... 🥲💖💕

I am so sosososo proud of my boyfriend for passing his blade master Apprentice trial, he was really mentally struggling but he did it. I was so happy I was able to like, bring him back to camp, nurse him up and basically give him all the support I could and he ran with it. It's so awesome watching him fight. I can't wait to fight alongside him.

also I'm gonna nest here, I told him like hey... I'm nesting here now, I decided after this event.... he's like, ohhh are we... are you saying we're more serious?? 🥺💖💕💕💕💖💖 and he got all excited and snuggled in on me, he's so sweet to me. I'm really fortunate and grateful for him.

....

BUT ALSO

I'M TOO MUCH OF A FEMININE BEAUTIFUL FAIRY TO BE IN A BACHELOR PAD. AAAAH.

NEVER AGAIN DUDE.

REFUSAL.

I SWEAR OFF LIVING WITH MEN, EXCEPT IF I HAVE ANOTHER WOMAN. Which would be p cool.

I have a feeling as well I'd love to be with Blue more, I'm gonna try to spend more time with her.

Man, I never thought in a million years I could be apart of such a deep community and feel so at home. I still will always feel a Lil out of place but that's my own issues I'm working on. I just wanna be the best me I can be and live my best life, and right now, all I know is I just wanna escape my job and be in a better environment. I absolutely love my other coworkers but my kitchen coworkers drive me fucking insane.

I'll see what my new therapist says and I'll go from there. It'll be good. :3

also eeeeee *hides face* eeeeeeeeeee