#so i went home the next day and ended up going to a minute clinic so they could test for strep and bronchitis and stuff

[steviescrystals]

the last post i reblogged just reignited my rage over something that happened my freshman year of college so mini rant in the notes lol

[pnutbutter-n-j-elyy]

When You Need Me Most| Pt2

Jeongin x Reader

Warnings: Mentions of Cheating, Mentions of Physical Violence, Cursing, Talks of Death

Pt1 Pt3

MASTERLIST

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The clock clicked tirelessly, making you even more tired than you already were.

You were back home at your apartment after two days at the dorm, even if Chris had insisted you could stay as long as you needed. But you didn't want to seem a burden.

You were close with Chris, but you were closer with Hannah to begin with. So regardless of how much Chan assured you, you felt as if you were loading on problems to him, and he was helping you with them in respects of his sisters close confidant.

It was only 8 a.m. You had called off of work for the next two weeks, deciding that even though now was not the time to give yourself even more time to sit home alone; you didn't think you would be able to focus much at work which in the end would jeopardize your job. So, you found the rest of your shifts to be covered for the past five days you had been on the couch and submitted your vacation time for the weeks following.

You hadn't gotten much sleep considering how uncomfortably shaped your couch was -but refusing to sleep on the bed - and you hadn't eaten much. Overall you felt absolutely shitty.

Every hour or so your phone buzzed with a notification. Hannah had been informed of what had happened, and for the past few days was texting ever hour or so to make sure that your were getting up and eating. She knew you weren't the fondest of constant check ins during your darkest time, but she wanted to make sure her friend was okay.

Although you found it rather annoying that she kept texting even though you hadn't responded. Deep down you knew that you would look back and be appreciative of it, but right now in this moment it just seemed cumbersome to even acknowledge how great of a support you had.

So when she called, you answered in hopes to quell her worries long enough for you to just let go.

Let go.

"Hey, I know you probably don't feel like talking right now, but maybe it'll be good to get your mind off of things. I wanted to gauge your interest in a idea I had for my Blues."

You closed your eyes and listened to Hannah talk about everything under the sun minus the state of your distress.

And for a while it worked.

All throughout you last few of your high school years a first year of college, Hannah did this. She knew that the way you dealt with things was with distraction rather than direction.

She could give you the clinical ways of getting through and past things; but she knew you preferred to just have your mind preoccupied with other things while you worked on what you needed to work on by yourself.

If you needed help you'd ask for it. Thats how it had always been.

While Hannah was in the middle of talking about a slightly Adventure Time themed music video you spoke.

"I feel like dying Hannah."

The line went quiet on the other end and Hannah's voice came through softly.

"I don't blame you. This was your first big relationship. And by that I mean you truly loved him. Everything else you had before was puppy love, so I can understand why this breakup is the most difficult- especially considering it wasn't a clean one or for a neutral reason."

You heard her shift and her voice changed slightly, the clarity lessening and the echo and reverb growing slightly.

"But are you safe now Y/N. While I can validate your feelings, I don't want you to harm yourself in any way shape or form."

"I'm not going to do anything Hannah." You groan. "It slipped out I didn't mean it." You mumbled.

"Regardless Y/N-ie."

"I'm not. So please, stop worrying." You rubbed the patch of skin between your brows. You were starting to get a headache from this. "I'm gonna go now-"

"Ah! Wait Y/N my mom wants to talk to you! MOTHER!" You heard Hannah wail across her home. You mentally face palmed. It had been a minute since you talked to Mrs. Bahng and she was sure to use up that minute and double.

And you just weren't in the mood. But it's not like you had much choice because after a muffled conversation between Hannah and her mom you were subject to listening to her rant about something that had happened to her recently.

You zoned out slightly while she was talking, wanting to get back to your sulking. But you didn't have the heart to tell her that so you just listened.

You were praying for her rant to end just minutes after it started when you heard a loud knocking at your door.

"Oh! Mrs. Bahng, I am so sorry but someone is knocking at my door! I'll make sure to call you back! Much love!" You hung up and went to the door, not thinking much of anything other than going back to your couch, when you opened the door to a smiling Chris.

"Alright! Up, up, up!" He said flicking on the lights in every room while clapping loudly and picking up stray things off the floor. "Get up, get showered, get dressed, you're coming to work with me!"

You looked at Chris as if he had four heads and a tail.

"Chris I don't-"

"Ahhh tatatatata tsk tsk tsk. Don't wanna hear it. Hurry up since Jeongin is waiting. We have to be at the studio for 9:45. It is 9:04. 41 minutes get to it!" He said pushing you towards your bathroom.

"But what about makeup and-"

"Nope! No time!" He said closing the door. You groaned, and got in the shower, thankful that you had a spare change of clothes laying around, or else you would have had to ask Chan to grab them for you, and although you loved and trusted him you didn't really feel like letting him rifle through your drawers.

Soon enough you were outside, letting your body consume it's vitamin d.

Jeongin was standing outside of Chan's car, having walked from the dorm since Chan had left in a rush.

"Is everything okay, you rushed out quickly-" Jeongin said scrolling through his phone but pausing when he looked up and saw you.

"Hi, Y/N how are you?" He asked politely, looking at Chan.

"Y/N's coming with us to work." He said ruffling your hair.

"You can get front." Jeongin says almost immediately, but Bangchan shakes his head.

"I actually have a bunch of crap thrown up front- do you guys' mind sitting in the back?"

You shook your head, although you were quite irritated about having to get up and out of the house.

The ride to the company was quiet but Jeongin's mind was loud.

Chris's car seemed even smaller when sitting in the back, the taller boy struggling to fit nicely in the space- resulting in him having to sit in the middle seat for the slightest bit more leg room. Which meant he was squished up next to you.

You smelled like green apple shampoo and cucumbers, with the slightest hint of sea salt. He credited that to the exfoliating soap you had once mentioned you used when Hyunjin had commented on your fresh scent.

Your hair was slightly wet, and it made him shiver slightly when it fanned against him on a sharp turn.

Keep it together.

He thought to himself.

Multiple times by the end of the day.

Because everything you did- the way you smiled at Felix regardless of your mental state, the way you chewed thoughtfully on your kimbap, down to the way your tongue poked out slightly when you tied your shoes- made his heart do aerials.

Jeongin had been made aware of the situation as did the other boys.

And unbeknownst to you Chan was slowly building your ex's demise brick by brick along with his new interest.

You had been with the rest of the guys when the trainee girl's group had met with 3Racha for some production help.

And needless to say the boys treated the group with respect minus the trainee who had messed around with your boyfriend. The passiveness aggressiveness from Jisung and Chan and the complete lack off attention Changbin gave the specfic girl didn't go unnoticed by her, nor the group. But as her group had no clue of her actions, nor did the girl have a clue of Chris' relation to you; they were all at a loss.

As the girls had settled into the studio, Chan greeted them with his usual warm demeanor, but when his gaze landed on the trainee who had been involved with your ex, his expression subtly tightened.

"Let’s hear what you’ve got," Chan said, gesturing for the group to play their track. His voice was friendly as he addressed the other trainees, and they beamed at his encouragement.

The song began to play, and the first few verses flowed smoothly. Chan nodded along, occasionally glancing at the screen in front of him to follow the track. When it was time for the problematic trainee’s verse, the atmosphere in the room shifted. Chan’s expression grew hard as her part filled the studio.

As soon as her verse ended, Chan paused the track abruptly. The room went silent, the sudden stop causing the girls to exchange nervous glances.

"That part right there," Chan said, his voice calm but laced with an unmistakable edge, "is a complete mess. The flow is all over the place, and it’s missing any sort of cohesion with the rest of the song. It’s like it doesn’t even belong there."

The trainee's face paled, but before she could respond, Jisung chimed in. "Honestly, it’s pretty horrendous. It feels like you’re trying too hard to stand out, but instead, you’re just not fitting in." His words were blunt, his tone leaving no room for misinterpretation.

Changbin, who had been listening quietly, finally spoke. "There’s no emotion behind your rap. It’s flat, lifeless. If you can’t bring some genuine feeling into your performance, it’s going to drag the whole group down." He didn’t bother to look at her as he delivered his critique, his attention already shifting back to the other trainees.

The other girls sat in stunned silence, clearly uncomfortable with the harshness of the feedback directed at their group mate. But Chan, Jisung, and Changbin seemed entirely unfazed, moving on as if the criticism they’d just given was nothing out of the ordinary.

As they continued reviewing the track, Chan made sure to lavish praise on the other members of the group. "Great job with that harmony, really tight," he said to one of the other trainees, his smile genuine and encouraging. "And your timing is spot on," Jisung added to another, his voice warm and approving.

But when it came to the problematic trainee, it was like she wasn’t even in the room. The boys would skip over her entirely, asking the other members about their parts or offering advice, all while completely ignoring her presence.

At one point, the girl tried to ask a question, her voice small and hesitant. "Chan-oppa, do you think if I adjusted the rhythm a bit here, it would—"

Chan cut her off with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Honestly, there’s not much you can do to fix it," he said, not even bothering to look up from the console. "It’s not about tweaking one part. The whole thing just… doesn’t work. Also it isn't Chan-oppa to you, I would suggest you learn to rrspect your superiors or you'll make a bad image for JYPE. Although it seems like you might have already..." Changbin and Jisung gave sarcastic faces and chuckles as Chan turned back to the soundboard, leaving, the girls confused as to how one of their members had already been completely iced out by three of the best producers in the industry.

And it wasn't much better in the upcoming days, your ex boyfriend feeling the wrath of Lee Minho as he demeaned the leader's dancing ability and took his ego down a couple of notches.

"Your dancing is immaculate...for someone who is destined to be a backup dancer for JYP." When the boy stuttered, asking for help Lee Know just gave him a cold shoulder and turned his focus to the other members of the group, praising them for their skills.

And to top it off they were both met with swayed public opinion after Seungmin decided to make a few passive aggressive comments in one of his lives.

"Yeah, I've talked to all the new trainee groups. But the boy group? They're good but if I had a bias it wouldn't be their leader. And I like the new girl group, they remind me of a group like Blackpink, but their rapping isn't like Blackpink. The only similarity they have is they're both maknaes." He pinched his fingers gently. "Maybe this much progress. Being an idol is hard." He dismissed the skill of the rapper; that woman so easily and said it all so quickly fans were confused.

seungmins.untied.left.shoe: Why does Seungmin seem mad?

big.binn3e_jiddie.tiddi3s: What did he say someone translate?

lalalalalisa143: BLACKPINK MENTIONED RAHHHHHH

You spent your time off going to work with Chan. He wanted to make sure that you were okay, and not going to do anything to hurt yourself. And being around the boys did help you feel better.

But strangely it was Jeongin who helped the most.

Chris had yet to clean his front seat oddly, so every morning you were in the back with Jeongin. It was odd that something so simple brought you so much comfort. He had noticed you were skipping breakfast, so every morning he brought you a homemade yogurt and fresh fruit drink.

"Mmm! This is really sweet! You must have gotten fresh fruit!" You sipped happily, blissfully unaware that Jeongin would add in two extra scoops of sugar, and taste it every time to make sure it was sweet enough, even if it made his jaw hurt slightly.

Or how he would make sure to ask the staff to order you food at 3:45, since you were always hungry.

Or how he would purposefully leave out his jacket in the sound room, since he knew you always got cold in there.

Or most importantly how he made sure you would never have to run into either of the two people you diliked, by figuring out their schedules, and making sure you were no where near where they would be.

He was quietly loving a supporting you from afar, and while you may have been oblivious to the action, you weren't oblivious to the feeling; even if you hadn't pinpointed just where it was coming from.

But as your vacation time was winding down, Jeongin decided to treat you.

"Y/N, Channie-Hyung is working with the others right now, but I've already recorded my part. He gave us his card." He waved it and grew a mischievous grin. "Want to go get strawberry cheesecake?"

"I love strawberry cheesecake!" You exclaimed, jumping up on your toes twice.***

"I know that's why I suggested it pabo!" He laughed as you made your way to the cafe near the building.

Soon enough you were standing in line, waiting to order. Jeongin was behind you, wearing a mask and beanie that covered all of his hair minus the small tuffs of black hair at the nape of his neck.

He had an odd feeling, as if someone was watching him and you. But he shrugged it off, since he doubted anyone would recognize him. With what he was wearing. He looked like any normal person on a date.

Date...this couldn't be considered a date could it? He smiled under his mask as he moved forward in the line absentmindedly. Well, maybe it isn't a date but it sure does look like one to outsiders. Ha, they're probably so jealous that I'm with someone as beautiful as Y/n-

"Hey do you-" You let out a small "oop" since you hadn't realized how closely Jeongin was standing behind you, which in turn allowed you to fling your hair at him, getting a large strand tangles in a button miraculously.

"Ah.." You groaned, your ear to his chest slightly. You tried to pull away but the cashier called "next" and Jeongin moved up not realizing your hair was stuck and accidentally letting it get tangled more. He winced when he noticed but saw the growing population in the cafe and just moved his large hand up to cup your head gently.

"Sorry, Nabi." He whispered quietly, not even realizing the pet name slipped out. Your eyes widened and you stayed with your ear pressed against his chest, hearing the rumbles as he ordered for both of you.

His heart thumped with a steady rhythm, and you were more than sure that your heartbeat was far from that.

Rather it was erratic and loud and wild.

Nabi. He had called you so sweetly, so purely. With the gentleness of what he called you. Butterfly.

After he finished ordering and paid, he stepped aside with you to help get your hair unstuck.

His long and slender fingers worked as quickly and as gently as they could. He released the top button so he could get to the root of the problem.

"Almost...tell me if I'm pulling too hard, m'kay?" Only his eyes were visible above his mask, but they harbored something you couldn't pinpoint, something you weren't used to.

After the last piece of hair was untangled his eyes narrowed in happiness.

"All free!" The way his voice sounded made your stomach twirl in a good and warm way. But you didn't think much of it.

It must be since he's being kind...

After your order number was called out Jeongin and you chose a two-person table away from the people, so he could take of his mask and enjoy his dessert.

He set your cheesecake in front of you, and his pastry in front of himself, handing you a fork.

The moment he pulled down his mask he had an odd feeling once more. But ignored it once more in favor of watching your immense joy as you devoured your treat.

"Thank you." You said in between a bite. "It's been rought the past few weeks...but...I've found comfort in being around all of you guys. To be honest I kind of relied on Chris and my ex to be the closest to me but...we're really close too."

Your smile warmed his heart, and he opened his mouth to speak. "Y/N I have some-"

"It's nice to be able to go out to a cafe and not feel scared. There was always this one sasaeng who followed my ex around..." You hummed thoughtfully. "It's nice not to be on edge."

Jeongin paused. "Sasaeng?" He said quietly.

You nodded. "She was obsessed with him. I got a threat from her once...I didn't take anything from it because I knew she wouldn't act on it but still was a little nerve racking." You looked up and saw a worried expression on the boys face. "Inni-"

His eyes had connected with a phone that was sticking out of purse in a discreet manner.

"Y/N what did she look like."

Your eyes widened and trailed to where Jeongin was looking. She wasn't facing in your direction but you knew.

"We gotta go." He said pulling his mask up. "Don't move to quickly though just act normal." You got up and made you way out.

"I'm sorry- I'm sorry I didn't think she would follow me if I wasn't with him-"

"You're fine Nabi, it isn't your fault." He said as you made your way back through a back way.

He instinctively grabbed you your wrist to lead you, his grasp gentle but firm, his hand sliding down into yours as he pulled you along.

By the time you made it back to the building there was a slight buzz and while Jeongin immediately went to look for his Hyung, you went to go with Felix.

There was definitely and underlying issue going on, and you wondered if the sasaeng had already leaked photos or videos to the press.

Felix tried his best to quell your worries but nothing would do. You felt as if you just caused an issue that would ruin Stray Kid's reputation Jeongin's reputation.

You left Felix to go pace around, which proved to be the wrong idea. The minute you turned the corner you ran into the one man you didn't want to see, the one who has sparked a chain reaction of issues.

He sneered at you, getting close to you, causing you to flinch slightly.

"You happy Y/N, huh? You happy that you're going to ruin my fucking career?!" His voice rose and you slunk back even more. His hand immediately went to your chin and pushed your face up harshly.

He was angrier than on the night you caught him, and it scared you.

"You're trying to throw away my life's work!" He steeped even closer, his grip tightening. "I'm not going to let that happen you hear me?" He shoved you as you were stepping back, causing you to lose your balance completely and fall backwards, landing on the ground, your ankle twisting in an uncomfortable - but not entirely odd - fashion.

Before you could even look up you heard a sickening crunch and your ex stumbled back. Within seconds he was up again lunging at whoever punched him but just as quickly as all this happened you were be scooped up and Jeongin and your ex were both being restrained. Two of the Day6 members held back your ex while three NEXZ members held back Jeongin as he was yelling profanities at the one who had shoved you. Their arguing voices were loud enough to have those in the surrounding halls come rushing in and security on site. Both boys were trying to get at each other, and security had to break it up, the anger of your friend making it extremely hard for them to restrain him.

"YOU FUCKING COWARD! FIGHT ME LIKE A REAL MAN INSTEAD OF PUTTING YOUR HANDS ON A GIRL!" He shouted. You saw Chan, Minho and Changbin rushing over. Jeongin was still yelling insults, getting out of the grips of those pushing him back. So Changbin instead pushed through to wrap his arms around the baby of their group, easily lifting him as he flailed.

"Let me at him Hyung! Let me at him!" He reminded you of an angry chihuahua. But on a larger scale. He wasn't a fighter, but he had immediately turned to violence when you got involved.

The lobby area was filled with people now and Jeongin was crying inpure anger and overwhelming emotions.

"Let me at him!"

Changbin stood in front of the door of the room they brought Jeongin and and Christopher went to go scold him for his actions. Gentle but firm nonetheless.

"You can't hit people Jeongin, regardless of how much you want to. Trust me I want to hit that bastard everytime I see him."

"He hit Y/N! I'm tired of him. I'm tired of hearing talk shit about someone I love! I wasn't going to let him hit someone I love!"

Bangchan stiffened when Jeongin mentioned the word hit.

His jaw clenched and he wiped a few tears off of Jeongin's cheek before stepping out of the room. Minho sat next to Jeongin and patted his shoulder comfortingly.

Your mind was racing at a million thought a minute, but they were all tracing back to what Jeongin had said.

Love. Love. Love.

You sat down alongside the wall until staff came in and whisked Jeongin away, without as much as a word. You stood up abd tried to follow but Minho stopped you.

Love. Love. Love.

"Will he be fired?" You heard yourself ask. You didn't hear Minho's response as your mind became loud again.

If he gets fired...it's because he defended me. Out of love. Love.

You swallowed and followed Minho back to his and Jisung's dorm the latter asking questions about the situation he missed.

If he's fired its because of love. Love will ruin his career. It's my fault. What a stupid thing that makes people do stupid shit. Irrational.

Love.

What a horrendous thing.

@abovenyx @wolfs-archive @oddracha

@iyeeeverydee @parisanmorovati @seungmincenteric

@panbish-1209 @fxiry-vtt @sseawavee

@shuporanporang @amarecerasus @softkisshyunjin

@whoa-jo @meanergreener @rikibun

@ayyonoona @shinywombatcrusade @y4yayael

@skzstan12345 @mariteez @allys-reads

@jazziwritesthings @skzstannie @yongbokkiesworld

@kkkeopi @neverendingstay @moony-9

@minsungsthirdwheel @everlastingspring143 @joyofbebbanburg

@leezanetheofficial @yaniiiiism

[scalingsvt8thusiast]

Skin-Deep Chapter 7

summary: The one where you fall for Seungcheol amongst all the protests and insecurities. The one where you don't know that he's fallen for you too.

a/n: thought i'll post earlier today incase I forget later tonight cause i have dinner and i need to study for my first clinical rotation of the year :D Enjoy! This is a pretty short chapter, now that i look at it again

You wake up to the sun shining in your face, someone had left the curtains open last night and it was not you. You turn to blame the only other person in the room but you were met with emptiness. Seungcheol’s side of the bed was cold, unslept-on and Seungcheol-less. You sat up, looking around the room, no sign of your boyfriend anywhere. 

Last night, you waited for Seungcheol in the shower and he ultimately did not join you. When you exited the shower, you could hear him downstairs on his phone. It didn’t really bother you much, you assumed it was Jeonghan or Joshua calling about something urgent. You tried to stay awake while waiting for him in bed but you were so tired from a whole day of studying that you ended up falling asleep. 

You got out of bed and headed downstairs, you checked every room, no Seungcheol in sight. You were puzzled, had your boyfriend been abducted by aliens?

You went to check your phone, no messages either. No “I went out to get coffee” or “Sorry baby, Jeonghan got stuck in the wall again”, nothing. 

You sent Seungcheol a text, asking where he was. You realised that your message wasn’t even sent! This was starting to get bizarre.

Was it your phone??? Nope, still 4 bars, fully connected.

While you were busy getting ready for work, you sent Seungcheol a few more text messages, hoping it would go through, but it didn’t. You called him a few times but the call went straight to voicemail. You had checked the news to make sure there were no accidents or murders involving the famous Choi heir. You were more confused than worried, reasoning that if something did happen you’d either hear about it on the news or from Jeonghan and Joshua.

Fortunately, the cafe was slow so you spent your day checking your phone for any reply or calls from Seungcheol.

“What are you, addicted to your phone?” Mingyu’s voice sounded from the other side of the counter. 

“Oh, Gyu!” Your head whipped up in genuine shock, you were too immersed in your phone to notice your best friend entering the store. “Sorry, what can I get you?”

“An iced americano. While you’re at it, you can tell me why I’ve been standing here for 10 minutes waiting for you to notice me.” He said, handing you his card. He noticed your dazed look as you ran his card. 

“Yea, it’s just Cheol wasn’t home this morning.” You said. 

“What? Bro, you and him not together for a day and you’re acting like he’s been kidnapped.” Mingyu said, he watched you prepare his drink, noting your exhaustion. 

“It’s not that, Gyu.” You say, handing him his beverage. You leaned on the counter, your chin propped up on your arm. “He disappeared last night, I think, when I woke up this morning he wasn’t at home. I don’t think he even came to bed.”

If this was an animation, Mingyu would have question marks sprouting out of his head right now. 

“What do you mean he disappeared? Did you try to text him?” Mingyu said in disbelief.

“That’s what I’ve been doing all day!” You showed him your phone, all the unsent texts and unanswered calls on your screen. 

Mingyu eyed you, sipping on his drink. 

“I know, I’m over-reacting. Maybe his phone’s just broken or something and he’s just in class.” You said, slumping down onto the counter. 

“No, I don’t think you’re over-reacting at all.” Mingyu said as he thoughtfully rubbed his chin, “If I were you I’d be frantic right now, but you’re clearly more level-headed than I am.”

“Right?! I don’t think he’s disappeared on me before like this.”

“It’s odd, even by our standards its odd.” Mingyu said giving you a knowing look.

a/n2: cause it's so short I may post the next chapter later on cause i feel bad. well anyway if you have any ideas on how to improve or anything just comment or send me a message :D

[sonic-spirit]

Sonic HRT 2 - Pharmacy

First - Next

I couldn't let the chance pass to represent my first time filling my T prescription.

I was still living in the Chicago suburbs at the time, and went to the city for my healthcare since I could get treatment following the informed consent model--because like hell was I jumping through the kinds of hoops I'd seen others have to follow if I could help it. It wasn't without its issues, of course. The drive to the clinic was usually about 2-3 hours with traffic, about 1 without. Sucks, but do-able. I was still working for my parents then, and needed to hide my transition from them as much as I could.

So when my dad required me to do a thing, I did it.

Which is how I ended up scheduled to go to a basketball game the night I got my testosterone prescription. The prescription appointment itself was super easy. Get in, let them know what I wanted, let them know I knew what I was getting into, give some blood to use to keep track of my hormone levels an all, and head across the street to the pharmacy.

That was where things got...obnoxious. I got in line, got through line, gave my name, was asked to sit down, and wait. And wait. And wait.

After an hour, I went up to the counter, sure I must've missed them call my name. They didn't have record I'd checked in. I checked in again.

After about two hours, I needed to leave so I could meet with my dad to go to the game. And no excuse I could give would have been good enough to get out of it. I went up to the counter to check on progress. The pharmacy worker I talked to was stressed, and told me they'd call when my prescription was ready for pickup. And that, fortunately, they were a 24-hour pharmacy, so I could do pickup any time.

I left. And got the automated call my prescription was ready about 30 minutes later.

At that point, I started to get mad. Here I was, in an amazing situation, about to get a medicine that would do nothing but help me...and because of my fucking asshole conservative dad who wanted people like me to die, I was driving away from my meds, away from freedom, to go play happy family with someone who'd made it very, very clear he didn't want anything to do with the real me, and would physically enforce his preference if he felt slighted.

I went to the basketball game. But I don't think I hid how much I was seething the whole time. We passed the pharmacy my testosterone was waiting for me at on the way home.

When we parted ways, I got a call from a good friend over the phone to celebrate my prescription, and vented to him about the absurd situation. I was so, so damn excited, and so, so pissed that my so-called "family" were the entire block between me and treatment. That a night that should've been about celebrating was instead spent seething. I'd known for years how much I needed to get away from my shitty, abusive family, but this clarified the point. (Again, for the billionth time. Cuz though I worked at it like fire, I didn't escape until a few years later, and only with a looooooot of help).

My friend was so kind, he listened, and he helped. He was so happy for me, and so ready to listen to my anger. And he asked me a super reasonable question. I was planning on not going out to the pharmacy that night because it was nearly midnight, and I'd had work the next day. And he, very reasonably, asked me if I'd be able to sleep if I just went home. And I wouldn't. So I turned around, and headed back into the city, down the same roads even, for the third time that night!

So that's how I got on testosterone!

[stargazer-sims]

The Art of Redemption

(part 15)

previous // next // story index

—————

A lot can change in a week.

Beth-Anne is astounded at how much progress Nikolai has made in just seven days. Considering how goal-driven he is, she probably shouldn't be astonished, but his quick transformation is more than she could've reasonably expected. His physical recovery is on track, he's gotten back his energy and focus, and he seems far less anxious. It’s a relief to her, seeing him returning to his old self.

At his checkup on Wednesday, the doctor and the sports therapist both cleared him to walk without crutches, and the sports therapist fitted him with a compression knee sleeve that he's supposed to wear when he's active. He's allowed to walk on the treadmill for up to thirty minutes a day, broken into ten-minute sessions, and he's supposed to keep up with his physiotherapy exercises. No leg weights and no stationary bicycle, the therapist said, which he frowned at but ultimately agreed to.

The thing Nikolai appeared to be most pleased about was the fact that he no longer requires weekly checkups. The sports therapist said he'd have him come back in two weeks' time to check his progress and possibly increase his exercise level.

"You'll have to come back by yourself," Beth-Anne told him. "Or get your grandfather to bring you if you don't have your car back by then, because I'll be in South Korea with Brett."

"Junior Worlds. Right. I'm sure Grandpa can bring me." He turned his attention back to the therapist. "So, in two weeks I should be able to start running again?"

The therapist bestowed him with an amused smile. "Athletes are all the same. You're all in a rush to be rid of your restrictions. But yes, if you do everything you're supposed to, in two weeks you should be able to do some light running on the treadmill. Perhaps you can do outdoor running and use your leg weights and ride your bike a couple of weeks after that."

Nikolai's next question came as no surprise to Beth-Anne. "When can I skate?"

"Let's give that some time."

"Yes, but how much time?"

"I think he's looking for a realistic timeline," Beth-Anne intervened.

"Another six to eight weeks at the very least before I'd be comfortable clearing you for that," the therapist said. "It may be longer, depending on your progress. Ideally, I'd like to see that knee fully stable and I'd like to see you regain some muscle before you get on the ice again."

Nikolai counted on his fingers. "Eight weeks would be... mid-May?"

"About then, I think," the therapist said.

"Okay. I can live with that. I'll be busy doing my coaching certification course between now and then anyway."

That was another thing. Even before his appointment with the doctor and therapist, he'd gone ahead and signed himself up for both the basic and advanced coach training courses.

He's going to need the basic certification just to be permitted to work with kids without supervision from another professionally certified coach, and the advanced level is necessary for him to work one-on-one with students who are training to compete in officially-recognized national and international events. The basic course is just four days long and the next available one is at the end of March. The next advanced level course is taking place over the last two weeks of April and the first week of May.

The timing couldn't possibly be more fortuitous, Beth-Anne thinks. He should be able to return to the ice around the same time he receives his full certification. Most group skating programs pause for the summer, so that will free up some of her time to work with him, to help him rebuild his confidence on the ice if he needs that, and to teach him everything she knows about teaching others. With any luck, by the time group classes resume at the beginning of September, he'll be ready for a small group of his own.

As soon as they got home from the sports medicine clinic, Nikolai went straight to his room. He came back to the kitchen only a couple minutes later with his skate bag, sat himself down on a kitchen chair and promptly pulled off his socks.

"What are you doing?" Beth-Anne inquired.

He glanced up at her, his expression plainly broadcasting that it should be obvious and she she shouldn't need to ask. Still, he replied, "Putting my skates on."

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I miss them," he said.

"Okay, but don't you dare stand up in them. Just because you're not on the ice, that doesn't mean it doesn't count."

"I won't, I promise. I just want them on. I miss how they feel on my feet."

Fair enough, she thought. She watched him slip his feet into the boots and meticulously lace them up. He sat there with his skates on for the next half-hour, while she made sandwiches and they ate lunch together. After lunch, he took them off again and put them away, and she didn't make any further comment about it. The way she saw it, if it made him happy and it hadn't done him any harm, who was she to question it?

Slightly amused at the memory, she wonders how many more times she'll catch him with his skates on between now and the middle of May. She doubts it was a one-off, and she has no trouble conjuring up a mental image of him contentedly wearing his skates while he reads, or eats, or writes something for the new online blog he's created to chronicle his coaching journey.

She smiles. She's watched him grow from an impulsive and sometimes silly teenager into a mature and responsible adult, but it's gratifying to know that he hasn't completely lost his adolescent whimsy. In some ways, he's still very much a kid, and she thinks those qualities of playfulness, imagination, resilience and courage will serve him well, not just as a coach and teacher but in his personal life too. He may be going through an exceptionally difficult time at the moment, but she can see the light at the end of this dark tunnel and she's sure he can as well.

He's going to be all right, she tells herself. It's still going to take time, but he sees the way forward now, and I don't believe anything's going to stop him.

She doesn't have enough words to describe how much she admires him for that.

This morning, she'd awakened with a sense of lightness she hasn't felt in a while. Her concerns are all still there, of course, but she has the feeling this is going to be a great day despite all the problems and worries crowded at the back of her mind.

That stuff can wait.

Now that Nikolai is off his crutches, she decides today is the perfect day to get him off the bench and let him come down onto the ice with her. She can introduce him to all the kids and let him interact with them. He knows Stan's grandson Marek, and she's certain he's already bonded with little Eden, but he still hasn't met the girls, Everleigh, Madison and Sienna. There's also her Saturday preschool group for him to meet, and her two Novice division students, Katie and Ruby. She hopes all the kids like him as much as Eden seems to, both for his comfort and theirs.

She climbs out of bed and does her best to hurry through her morning routine. Regardless of her efforts, however, when she makes her way downstairs, she discovers that Nikolai has gotten out of bed ahead of her. He's already showered, dressed and in the middle of making breakfast. The scent of coffee wafts across her nostrils.

"Morning, coach," he greets her. "Your makeup looks good."

"Thanks." She gestures toward the stove. "I see my cooking lessons are already paying off."

He grins. "Well, I'm not ready to host my own cooking show or anything yet, but I think I'm doing all right."

She's treated to her favourite ham and cheese omelette, fried potatoes, and cut-up red grapefruit drizzled with honey. It may not be gourmet, but it is delicious and she enjoys every bite. It's especially pleasant to sit down to a meal she didn't have to prepare for herself.

"I could get used to this," she says, as she savours the final bite of grapefruit. "You making us breakfast, I mean."

"We can make it a regular thing," he says. “Turns out I like cooking. It’s not as daunting as I thought, so I’m sure I could be in charge of making breakfast for us.”

"Oh? So I take it you've changed your mind about going home?"

He swallows the last of his coffee and sets the mug down carefully. "I've been thinking about it. I was kind of worried that me being here was too much for you, but if you're okay with me staying, maybe I will stay."

"You're not too much. I like having you here. It's nice to have company, but like I told you before, the choice is entirely up to you."

"I'll stay for a little longer, then," he says. "Anya's staying with her grandparents for some reason. I don't know if she's planning to go home soon, but if she is, I... kinda don't want to be there."

"Understandable, but you know you'll need to deal with that situation at some point."

"I know." He rotates the empty coffee mug between his hands. "I think I'm just scared."

"Of Anya?"

He nods. "Is that stupid?"

"No, I don't think so," Beth-Anne says. "I can see how she'd be scary."

"I want a divorce, but I don't want to fight about it. All I want is the house and my cat. She can have anything else she wants. Money, furniture, the car... whatever. I just want us to live separate lives from now on."

"If you want my opinion, you'd be better off living separate lives."

"It's obvious we can't have a life together any more," he says. "The problem is, I don't want to talk to her about it because I'm scared she'll cause a scene."

"In that case, maybe you shouldn't talk about it with her. Maybe you should hire a lawyer and get them to do the talking for you."

"Maybe." He runs his thumb along the rim of his mug and doesn't meet Beth-Anne's eyes. "I just don't want any drama. You know I hate that. If I got a lawyer, I'm worried the whole thing would drag on for ages, and Anya would tell everybody about everything, every chance she got. I'd rather just agree that it's over, do the court paperwork ourselves and get it out of the way as quickly as we can."

"If that's what you want, then you'll have to swallow your fear and tell her," Beth-Anne says. "I know it's hard, but you have to believe in getting what you want. That's..."

"...that's part of how you succeed," he finishes the sentence with her. All of a sudden, he's smiling again. "You know, I told Eden that."

Perplexed, she says. "About... divorce?"

"No, about winning skating competitions. Remember, you said that to me for the first time way back when I was seventeen? When I was having that big existential crisis because you were my third coach in my first three years at Senior level.”

"You thought the problem was you."

"Well, it sort of was, according to Uncle Stan."

"But it was because you were too good, not because you weren't good enough," she reminds him.

“I know that now, but it was a struggle to get my head around it at the time. The whole thing was pretty stressful.”

"I know, but you handled it like a champion, and it didn’t take you long to settle in with me.”

“Because you promised you’d stick with me no matter what, and I trusted you. I felt safe with you. That gave me a lot of confidence, and it let me relax and enjoy myself a lot more."

“I remember. One of the first things I asked you was what you wanted, and the first thing you told me wasn't that you wanted to win. You said you wanted to be happy and have fun."

"Yeah, but I still wanted to win. I wanted it really bad, and I was frustrated because I wasn't doing as well as I thought I should with Uncle Stan or my other coach before him."

"I could tell you wanted to win," she says. "I can tell you still do."

"I do," he concedes. "Winning might look different now, but I still want to. I think if I can help somebody else the way you helped me, that'll feel like winning to me just as much as it does to them."

"I think it will too," Beth-Anne says. "It did for me when I watched you win, and it's the same with Brett and Mariah and the others."

"And they'll be more likely to win if they're happy and having fun, right?"

"Right."

"But, even if they don't win, the important thing is that they're still doing what they enjoy."

Beth-Anne nods. "You're going to be an excellent coach."

"I hope so," he says. "I want to make you proud."

"I'm already proud of you," she tells him. "You're the best son I never had."

He smiles. "The son you always wanted?"

"Not always, but definitely from the moment I realized my life would be a lot emptier without you in it," she says. "And I'm glad you're staying."

"Until I finish my coaching courses at least, if that's all right."

"Absolutely. Consider this your home for as long as you like."

"Thanks," he says.

They finish their breakfast and do the washing up as quickly as they can, and manage to get out the door right on schedule. Even with a stop at Tim Horton's for more coffee, they make it to the arena at 7:45 on the dot.

It's still not early enough to get there before her first students arrive, though.

She's torn between laughter and exasperation when she spots Eden Seong and Marek Zelenka peeking around the edge of the propped-open door from the corridor that leads to one of the practice rinks. When Marek sees her, he gives her a brief wave. Then, he leans down to say something quietly to Eden, which Beth-Anne can’t hear. The kids grin at each other.

The next thing Beth-Anne knows, the two little boys charge through the doorway and race across the foyer, straight toward her and Nikolai. They’re both shouting Nikolai's name at the top of their voices.

Nikolai reaches out to catch Marek, but both boys seem to misinterpret the movement as an invitation for a group hug. Somehow, Nikolai ends up sitting on the floor with Marek and Eden half on top of him and looking like they're competing to see who's more capable of squishing him. All three of them are laughing.

"Nikolai, it worked!" Eden practically yells.

"Yeah!" Marek chimes in. "I don't know what you said, but it totally worked!"

Beth-Anne isn't entirely sure what Eden and Marek are talking about, but she doesn't get a chance to ask before someone else appears in the doorway. It's Stan. He has a small skate bag in each hand, and several wisps of silver hair escaping from his stubby ponytail. If she didn't know better, she'd say he slept in the sweatpants and long sleeved t-shirt he's wearing.

Stan jogs over to them. "I see the chaos has manifested," he says, nodding at Nikolai, Marek and Eden. "I believe these are yours now."

"Thanks. I'm so excited," Beth-Anne says, deadpan, but she's fighting like hell to hold her laughter in and keep her face neutral. Stan looks as if he can't wait to make Marek and Eden someone else's responsibility, and she's dying to know the story behind why he has both of them, and why they're here so early.

Stan holds out the skate carriers. "Boys. Your responsibilities..."

Marek and Eden scramble to their feet. Eden takes the purple skate bag from Stan's left hand and Marek claims the blue and white one from his right.

Eden cradles his skates against his chest with both arms as if he's holding something incredibly precious. He beams at Nikolai. "You fixed everything."

"I'm glad it worked out," Nikolai says, as Stan steps forward to give him a hand up. "But I'm sure it wasn't all me. I'd say Beth-Anne had something to do with it, and I think you must've been fairly persuasive on your own."

It clicks for Beth-Anne at that moment. Nikolai must've talked to Eden's parents about his future as a skater. She hadn't realized he'd talked to them, and she guesses he must've done it the previous Saturday when they came to pick Eden up after class. She'd noticed them arriving and she'd been peripherally aware of Eden leading Nikolai out of the rink area to meet them, but she hadn't interacted with them herself as she'd been occupied with setting things up for her preschool group.

It hadn't been until later in the week, after what she thought would be Eden's next-to-last individual lesson, that she'd gotten the opportunity to bring up Eden's athletic career with them again. They seemed to have softened their position, but they still hadn't completely made up their minds at that point. Evidently, they'd given it significant consideration since then.

"No, it was definitely you, Nikolai," Eden insists. "Mommy said she was sorry because she didn't think about it from my point of view. She said she and Dad were too worried about something bad happening to me on the ice to see that something even worse would happen if they made me quit. And I think part of it was 'cause they really listened when you told them how sad and depressed you were when you thought you wouldn't be able to skate any more."

Beth-Anne turns toward Nikolai. "You told Mr. and Mrs. Seong that?"

"Yeah," Nikolai admits. "I don't know if that was overstepping, but I felt like I had to try to convince them. I didn't really know how to approach it, so I just... went with honesty."

"You probably should've mentioned it to me," Beth-Anne says.

"Sorry. It actually didn't occur to me."

"It's okay," she says. "Just let me know next time if you feel the need to speak to one of my students' family members."

"I will," he says. "But, it really didn't cross my mind to say anything about last Saturday. I assumed you would've seen me talking to Eden's parents. We were in the hallway, right outside the windows."

"Never assume anything," she says, and to Eden she asks, "Should I expect to have another chat with your mom and dad today?"

"Yeah!" Eden says enthusiastically. "Mommy told me yesterday after school that I can keep skating, and she said she'd discuss everything with you today."

"Then he called me, 'cause he was so excited," Marek adds. "And I was excited too, so I invited him for a sleepover, so we could celebrate."

"You invited both of you for a sleepover at Grandma and Grandpa's house," Stan interjects. "Don't forget that important detail, Marek."

"I see," Beth-Anne says. "That explains why you look like you can't wait to pass them off to me."

"We had to go to Grandpa's house," Marek explains. "My parents aren't really into skating, but Grandpa gets it."

"The only thing Grandpa wants to get right now is a couple more hours' sleep," Stan says.

"Don't you have a group class this morning, Stan?" Beth-Anne asks.

"Hmm... at nine, but that gives me an hour or so to nap in the car. I might've been able to keep up with these two living hurricanes when I was your age, but us old people need proper rest, you know."

"Old people," Beth-Anne scoffs. "You can still run circles around most of us. But, go on. Nikolai and I can take these two from here."

Each of the boys grabs one of Nikolai's hands, and they start to pull him in the direction of the other practice rink. Marek glances back at his grandfather. "Yeah, don't worry Grandpa. We'll take it from here."

"Hmph. 'Don't worry, Grandpa' is a phrase that should be banned," Stan grumbles.

"Everything'll be fine, Uncle Stan," says Nikolai. "I've got them."

"Another phrase that should be illegal; 'Everything'll be fine, Uncle Stan'."

Marek's only response is a mischievous giggle, and Nikolai makes an inelegant snorting noise in his effort not to laugh.

Beth-Anne stands back and watches for a few seconds as Nikolai and the boys make their way across the foyer. He's definitely won their hearts, and it's already clear that little Eden has won his. She doesn't want to get ahead of herself, but she's thrilled at the news that Eden will be allowed to keep skating, and she envisions an amazing future for him in the sport.

For him and Nikolai. If ever two people were meant to be together as coach and student...

No. Don't let your imagination run away with you. One day at a time, and one step at a time, don't forget.

But, she can't completely suppress her elation. She'd woken up with the feeling that today would be great, and so far it's turning out exactly that way. She's glad of it. After making it through the turmoil of the last several weeks, she and Nikolai deserve to have a good day.

Stan steps up beside her and drapes an arm around her shoulders. "Well, he's a natural, isn't he? Your Nikolai, I mean. He's a hit with the kids."

"It would seem so," she agrees, smiling.

"I told you it'd all work out, didn't I?" He gives her shoulder an affectionate squeeze. "Don't worry. Everything will be fine."

[fearfulachilles]

6. worth your while.

chapter six to buop (nanami kento x reader jjk medical au.) .

full contents here.

summary: kento is a no nonsense man, you’ve figured out that much. he’s not the type you get involved with at all. until he tells you he can be, if you want him to.

warnings: sexual scenes.

sticky note: i took an edible and wrote this. enjoy!

Kento is at the clinic early the next day. He only works two days out of the week in the clinic, because he has to work at least two days. He remembers the first day Satoru had announced the opening of the new clinic. The new owner of Jujutsu Hospital thought it was important to provide care to all of our current patients and new patients, so the clinic was the gateway to that.

He agreed with that statement, healthcare should be accessible to everyone. He just didn't agree with the fact that he'd have to cut down on surgery hours to work in the clinic until new physicians could be hired and take over.

“Everyone's gotta do it, Kento. Shoko's showing up three days a week. Even Suguru is taking a day off surgery to come in every couple of weeks.” Satoru tried to make it sound better, but it didn't work. “Yu's starting off with two days for our family planning patients.”

“I'm not a family physician, Gojo. I'm a goddamn surgeon. I can't be held up like this.” Kento fought back.

In the end, Satoru had more authority, so even though he bitched and complained, Kento still had to do it. It's not so bad, at least he got to see you again. He wasn't prepared on how often he was going to think about you.

Yesterday made it worse. You were smart along with funny and beautiful. He had gone home thinking about you. He went to bed thinking about you, having to fist his cock before being able to sleep. He know it's inappropriate, not only do you work with him, but you had made it clear you weren't interested in something serious. Kento's not the type to have flings or one-night stands, but he can't stop thinking about you.

He couldn't sleep well last night because of his thoughts. So, he arrives to work a little grumpier than usual. He groans to himself when he hears his close friend yelling his name.

“Kento!” The voice is coming from down the hall. Kento looks over and sees Yu Haibara, his old med school friend and the one who recommended he work for Jujutsu High after leaving his last place of employment at a for-profit hospital. Also, the brother of his ex-fiancée. Yu catches up with the blonde doctor, smiling brightly at his friend. “How are the new scribes working out?”

“They're good, smart.”

“Don't oversell them.” Yu joked. “I've got Itadori with me today. I hope he likes newborns, I've got lots of moms coming in for their three week postpartum follow ups. This new clinic is great, isn't it?”

Yu was Jujutsu Hospital's main OB-GYN. He was a helpful and vocal coach during birth and all his patients loved him because he created a safe space for first time mothers. Some would travel over an hour just to be seen by him and have him deliver their babies. He was always happy and chipper, Yuji was a good choice to work with.

Kento grunts in agreement. It's a great idea, he just doesn't like working in it. He bids goodbye to his happy go-lucky friend. He reaches for his coffee that he brewed at home this morning and hisses at the horrible flavor.

“This tastes like shit.” He comments to himself before putting the cup down. How has he not noticed before? Maybe he'll start buying his old preferred coffee beans again.

Your voice rings in Kento's ears just a few minutes later. You're carrying two cups of coffee from a nearby cafe, and when you get close to him, you hand one of them to him. He stares at it blankly for a moment, it prompts you to clear your throat awkwardly.

“I hope it's not weird, I was grabbing coffee and thought to bring you one. I-I don't know what you like, so I got you one that I like... is this weird?” You babble.

You're always the one sabotaging these moments. Now with your rambling and once before near the vending machines when you told Kento to forget about the car incident. How can he forget when you keep making everything about it?

You're surprised when the blonde doctor smiles and takes the coffee you're offering.

“No, this is very kind. Thank you.” Your name falls from his lips in and it sends shivers down your body.

You settle in, placing your own coffee drink on the nurse station desk and you disappear to grab a hospital laptop. You return and bring up the schedule for today. “I took a peek at the patient load yesterday and it looks busy. Think you'll be okay?” You tease.

Kento drinks the coffee you brought for him. He tastes the richness of the coffee and the sweetness of the syrups used. He usually drinks black coffee, without any sugar or creamers, but he can't deny the bursts of flavors he can taste just now. It was just what he needed.

“I'm up for it, if you are.” He replies.

_________

The day burns you out, not because of the amount of patients you saw today, but because of Kento.

He was in a much better mood today working with you alone. He was chattier with his patients, so naturally charming in his element. He introduced you to each patient, your name being sounded out perfectly, and includes you in the conversations with patients. You felt seen, heard, and appreciated by him.

Maybe it was because of his better mood, or something else you weren't aware of, but his lack of personal space with you was even worse today too. He'd open the exam room door for you to walk out first and he'd follow closely behind with his fingertips brushing along the small of your back to guide you out of the room. He'd call you over to sit beside him at the nurse station and have you lean in close to him as he showed you CT scans and MRIs of hearts that belonged to some of his patients. You wouldn't notice how close you were until he was nearly whispering his quizzing questions in you ear.

Every move, touch, and whisper would have you melting.

You’re not aware of how much you’re effecting Kento today too.

You were shorter than him, so with every whip of your hair, he was able to smell your shampoo. He’d stare at you when you were too focused on your laptop screen, with your plump bottom lip between your teeth, the very same lip time he kissed and bit that night in his car. He remembers how hot your mouth was and he remembers the taste of your saliva when he sneaked his tongue inside.

It’s nearly unbearable for him today. But he’s enjoying himself around you. You make the workday go by easier and faster. The work day is done before he knows it. The coffee you got him was long gone, and the one he brewed himself this morning is forgotten in an old traveling thermos cup he left at the nurse station.

You’re putting away the hospital laptop at its designated area, a small supply closet at the end of the clinic. You have your coat over your scrubs and your bag hangs from your shoulder. You leave the supply closet and walk through the nearly empty clinic that is now closed to the public. It’s not completely empty yet because Kento’s waiting by the front entrance.

When he sees you approaching, he smiles.

“I had a great time working with you today.” He says. He walks out of the clinic with you, his muscular arms brushing against your shoulders.

“I did too.” You say genuinely. “It was fun.”

The rest of the walk is quiet. You had left your apartment earlier this morning to have time for coffee, so you didn’t carpool with any of your roommates. You get to your car and you notice Kento’s car is nowhere near yours, but he still walked with you. The silence is deafening, until Kento finally speaks up.

“I’m not looking for anything serious, either.”

Your eyes widen and you look up at the older man. He’s referencing what you told him on your first day. Had he been thinking about that this whole time? Kento isn’t that type of man, he knows that. But you’ve consumed every waking thought of his, maybe it’s just what he needs.

You don’t know what to reply with. You feel your cheeks heating up. “Um, well, w-we work together.”

Kento is quiet for a second before nodding, like he’s been caught. “I know.”

“I won’t tell anyone, if you don’t.” You say. You’re crazy, right? Crazy to turn him down or crazy to take his offer, you’re not sure which, but you are crazy. But he’s been driving you crazy ever since seeing him in that cafeteria.

“Deal.” Kento replies. His large hand comes up to your face and his thumb caresses your cheek. The rest of his hand cups your jaw. He leans in, his warm lips touching yours slowly, giving you enough time to change your mind.

You don’t. You grab the collar of his jacket and pull him in impatiently. He’s a good kisser, you almost forgot. His lips take over and you follow them. The tip of his nose is nudged against your face as he deepens the kiss.

His tongue makes its way into your mouth, swiping along your own and tasting you again. He’s missed the taste of you. He wants to keep doing it. The hand on your jaw snakes down to the back of your neck, and he cradles the crown of your head. You moan into his mouth at how he’s handling you, feeling small in his grasp.

Kento breaks the kiss first. His breathing is unsteady and he feels his heart thumping against his chest. His fingers had found their way to be buried in your hair from where he held you. You whine at the loss of contact, pouting slightly. It makes him chuckle.

“My place? I’ll make it worth your while.” He says and you nod. He tells you to leave your car here, he’ll drive you back to get it later. You listen to him and he walks you to his car.

_________

You’re on Kento the minute he unlocks his door. He laughs against your lips at how eager you are. You don’t know that he’s just as eager as you too. He kicks his front door closed with his foot.

“C’mere,” he mutters, licking his lips and kissing you fully. He grabs the back of your knees and lifts you up. On instinct, you wrap your legs around his waist and your arms around his neck. His large hands keep you secure, holding onto your ass.

You think he’s going to take you there and now, against his wall, or even on his couch. But he’s carrying you to his room. You don’t have time to take in his interior designing and judge if it’s good.

Once he’s laid you on his bed, his hands don’t stop touching you, it’s like he memorized every inch of you.

You roll up the hem of his scrub shirt and he takes the hint. He discards his shirt within seconds and you swallow thickly once you see his body.

You didn’t get this far last time, both of you were still fully clothed. His body is unbelievably sculpted, and to think it had been hidden under his stupid scrubs this whole time. You run your hands down his abdomen, your fingertips teasingly pulling at the top of his pants next.

He doesn’t budge this time. Instead, he takes off your shirt. You don’t have to do any work, he was capable to stripping you of it without your help. You lay beneath him in your bra and Kento stares for a second, like he’s gotten stage fright.

You smirk and grab his hand, you feel his veins on his hands with your soft, delicate fingers, and guide his hand to cup your breast. His thumb rubs your nipple through the fabric of your bra and it’s enough to make you lightly gasp. He brings his body closer to you and ruts his hips against yours, the hardness of his cock brushing against your heated core.

You breathe out his name, “Kento…”

It drives him mad. He pulls down at your bra, your breasts bouncing out of it. He leans down and takes the nipple he had been teasing into his mouth. You moan at the sudden warmth on your breast, looking down and watching him.

Kento’s filthy with his lips around your nipple. He flicks the nub with his tongue, his mouth completely enclosed around it, then his teeth tug at the tip and it causes sparks throughout your body. You whine, eyes dedicated on watching Kento.

He pulls down his pants as he bullies your nipple with his tongue. Then, he pulls away from your breast with a pop. You’re red, flustered with how Kento’s acting.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to do this.” He says. His voice is husky, he almost sounds drunk.

He pulls your pants and underwear off in a single swipe, it’s impressive. Your tits bounce with the sudden movement and Kento watches them as they do. He grabs your hips and drags your body close to his, your legs falling open on either side of his torso.

His cock is big and dripping with precum. You remember how his bulge felt in your hand, you knew he’d be big, just not this big. He pumps himself with his hand a few times before he adjusts himself to be between your legs.

You’re breathing heavy, watching him with your full attention. You feel yourself leaking from your make out session and Kento abusing your breast. He uses the tip of his cock to gather up your wetness, and he slides it up to your clit.

You whine, your fluttering close. You wrap your legs around him, nudging him closer to your entrance to finally feel him. Kento laughs softly and his hands go to your thighs and he holds your legs open again. He clicks his tongue and shakes his head. “Not yet.”

He pressed his swollen tip against your clit and grinds against you. You’re moaning with every swipe of his cock.

“Oh-h, fuck,” you whine. You buck your hips and rub yourself against his cock even more. He holds you by your hips, the pads of his thumb pressing against your hip bones.

The lips of your pussy spread and take him in, he keeps rubbing his cock between your lips, pressing it against your sensitive clit repeatedly. His dick glistens with your slickness on him. You grab on to his shoulder, fingertips digging into his flesh.

“Shit—“ Kento curses, and his cum squirts out of his cock, painting your stomach all over in it. His movements are slow, but they don’t stop. He hisses at the sensitivity of his cock.

You look down at your body. Your stomach has a small pool of his cum, some of it splattered along the underside of your tits. With two fingers, you scoop some his cum and bring it to your mouth. You moan at the taste of him, rubbing your fingers in your tongue.

Kento groans as he watches you. He presses his body against yours, not caring of his sticky mess on your stomach. He grabs a hand full of your hair and it makes you cry out in a moan. He kisses you hungrily, his tongue tasting his own cum on yours.

“You’re so fucking sexy,” Kento whispers in your ear. You smile hazily. You’re not upset you didn’t get to feel Kento’s cock in you, it still felt amazing to have him fuck your clit.

Kento’s peppering your face with kisses, and despite you not normally being one for affection, you bask it all in your pleasured haze.

The tip of his aching cock still feels hard against your folds, and you feel him guide it down to your pussy. The swollen tip teases your entrances as he whispers again. “Been thinking about this nonstop…”

He rests the weight of his body on his forearm above your head, boxing you beneath and trapping you with the heat of his body. He lifts his head high enough to catch your eyes. He rolls his hips slowly, pushing his girth inside of you.

You’re wet, your hole grasping for something to wrap around, but even then, you whine as he stretches you out. Kento tries to swallow down a moan. You claw at his back until he’s fully inside of you, filling you to the brim.

He mumbles small praises as he stays deep inside you. You feel so full of him that you let out a choked moan. His thrusts start off small and slow, he barely pulls out of you and stays rubbing against your cervix, the tip of his cock nudging it again and again.

His thrust only deepen, causing his skin to dampen and his throat rumble with grunts.

He's touching your sweet spot again and again and again, you feel his balls slap against your ass with very thurst. You swallow back your pitiful whines long enough to pull Kento into a kiss to keep hiding them. And Kento kisses back ravishingly, clumsily, like he needs to be inside you even more.

“You’re intoxicating.” Kento growls near your swollen lips. His hand traces the sides of your waist, finding his way to your lower back. He lifts you with his hand, bending you.

He's rough and fast and deep, nothing like you’ve experienced before. The happy trail in his pelvis rubs against your clit with every slap of his hips and his dick presses harder inside of you. It’s too much for you. You whimper, and you whimper again and again. The pressure in your body feels like too much. It’s burning in the best way. 

Kento kisses your cheek, “‘s okay, baby.”

His other hand brushes your hair away from your sweaty face. It’s a comfort touch, contrasting against how mean and quick his thrusts are. He knows you’re about to cum. He wants you to cum and make a mess on his sheets. 

“Feels good, right?” He asks you, his deep tone cracking and sending shivers all over your body. Your eyes close tighter and you whine with your jaw dropping slowly. You nod because it’s all you know how to do.

“So good, so good.” You don’t feel your mouth moving, you only hear your voice agreeing. You focus on the knot growing inside you, your noises turn high and you curse below your breath. You want to warn Kento that you’re cumming and you can’t stop it, but all you can string along are words like cumming, i’m c-oh, god…

Your orgasm over takes you, you cum fluttering around him, forming rings and smearing them all along his cock. Your wetness and cum now mixed, it drips down from your stuffed hole and stains his sheets. He swears he’ll never wash them. He wants to keep you there, your essence and your pleasure, all for him.  

Kento encourages your pretty moans, nuzzling his nose against your damp temple and his hips never faulting throughout your orgasm. He comes too, his thrusts stutter as he stuffs his cock completely in, burying his cum inside of you.

While still in you, Kento cups the side of your face and brings you in for a kiss. You don't pull away and kiss him back.

He lays beside you afterwards, catching his breath. You catch yours too, the high of your orgasm fading quietly. No one has made you come that intensely before. You look over at him, your eyes half lidded and dazed.

[thegorysaint]

Long Time No See

Hello everyone! I'm finally at the tail end of the rough month I had (and years).

 I wanted to get back to streaming today but i think i will take a couple extra days and start on Tuesday. Now I will explain what happened, so if you are not interested in that you can skip the read no problem : )

Mid May I got a really bad case of gastritis that lasted for 3 to 4 days, meaning, I had really bad stomach ache, I honestly dont remember but i probably ate something too spicy. Then after that week on a Sunday at 2 am I got what i thought was an allergic reaction to some ham and salami. I went to the ER when I started feeling itchy all over and my face swollen.

I stood around the ER for about hour and a half and I was not getting treated, so i just decided to go at the drugstore for at least some allergic medicine, i was feeling better on the way home but as soon as i was pulling up I felt bad again, i was really tired, it was almost 6 am so i went to take a nap to rest and let the medicine work. I woke up an hour later with a rash all over my arms and itchy all over my neck and chest. I googled to see if there was a 24/7 doctor nearby and luckily there was one.

After explaining everything I got a shot for the allergic reaction and some pills to take the next 3 days. Omg, it was so bad, at that time i didnt know the shot should of taken care of the reaction, so i thought it was normal and was gonna go away with the pills. The rash was going away little by little the next couple of ways but still very itchy and visiting the bathroom too many times during the day (not the good kind of bathroom visits).

After going to the same clinic but different Doctor, i was diagnosed with Food Intoxication, not food poisoning or allergic reaction, I had a fever that i didnt notice. So they were gonna give me antibiotics pills but i asked to get the injections, because I know antibiotics are really bad for my gut and i was already at my limit with the bathroom visits. Luckily the Doctor said ok and i had to take only 3 injections, 1 each day, and some pills in case i felt more pain or fever. Literally 40 minutes after the first injection i felt great, no pain in my stomach or guts, it got so relaxed that i was able to burp and without feeling nauseous for the first time in a week.

I was finally so relaxed that i was able to sleep a full night. After the 3 days have passed i was feeling so good, better than what i've felt in the last couple of months. I was able to eat without wanting to puke it out as soon as it touched my mouth, and the bathroom only saw me once a day. Funny thing is, my brother came for a surprise visit so, while i was still recovering physically, he helped me to recover mentally, he stayed for a week and by the end of it i was feeling so good and full of energy (even tho I was under the sun sweating my butt off a couple of days).

He left before this past weekend so i've been just recharging my social battery. I was feeling so good i got into the pool a couple times to just relax, pretty much I had a vacation week because my bro was here (totally making me want to go to my hometown again but the heat is worse there for some reason).

So, for now I just need to get my energy back and not let the bad energies to return, I'm trying to focus this week on getting my sleeping schedule back to normal (something i fixed before i got sick), and trying to get in the rhythm of drawing again. I want to get some stuff before I go to visit my bro for a couple of months around mid August or September but I really need to sell some stuff I dont need. Also kinda making plans to move to Japan as soon as possible, the forecast for my country is not good with the election and if the new term people have it their way, Mexico is heading to a really bad place.

I wanted to visit USA before going to Japan to visit friends but obviously I havent been making enough money to save up, so unless i win the lottery that aint happening because my mom doesnt want to go to USA for whatever reason. That means I will start fully focusing on getting on track with projects so I can afford a living.

Sorry for the delay of all my stuff, last year was really bad mentally and physically for me, and sentimentally was devastated for the second year in a row, now I will try to focus on not getting attached to people for a while and just work work work (dont worry, that just means im not going to search for a romantic long term relationship, specially not long distance online)

So, I apologize for my lack of professionalism and I really appreciate your patience, it really means a lot.

https://www.patreon.com/posts/long-time-no-see-105561594

[waytooinvested]

Forgotten, Not Forgiven - Chapter 9

Rift era reconciliation/fix-it fic in which Kara's memories of Supergirl are stolen and Lena has to rally round to help her get them back. Starts out kind of on the angsty side but there will be more fluff down the line.

This and previous chapters are also on AO3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today was the day.

The Q-wave generator was calibrated, the lab was set up to Lena’s precise specifications, and (after a threat of violence so imaginative and specific it crossed the line from menacing to absurd) Alex had finally stopped blowing up her phone every five seconds with anxious pre-trial reminders, check ins and (on three occasions) comments that Lena suspected were nothing more than an excuse to call her Lulu.

Everything was ready.

Except, as it turned out, Lena.

She had thought she was. Genuinely, in the minutes before Jess had tapped on her door to announce the arrival of her test subject, Lena had been feeling perfectly composed. She had run plenty of trials before, some of them with far greater risk of bad outcomes than this one, and she had been spending one on one time with Kara for weeks now. It should have been nothing.

… Only then Kara had walking into the room, beaming at her like they were about to go to an all you can eat dumplings-of-the-world restaurant, holding out a bouquet of flowers and a large box of macarons (because ‘I wanted to get you something to celebrate the start of your trials!’), and suddenly it didn’t feel like just another clinical trial. It felt like she was about to mess about in her best friend’s brain using untested technology on an ill-defined malady, where a successful outcome would mean the end of every good thing that Lena had experienced since Lex had revealed the truth of who Supergirl was.

It also didn’t help that Kara had arrived dressed in sweats and an oversized hoodie (apparently having taken the suggestion to ‘dress comfy’ to heart), and she looked the way she did at the mid point of one of the sleepovers that used to give Lena hope for more.

Kara lying sprawled on the couch with her head in Lena’s lap as they watched a movie they knew it was too late to start if Lena was going to make it home that night, sipping wine and making up alternative dialogue options when the plot got slow. Finally dozing off together in a tangled heap, someone’s head pillowed on someone’s chest despite the crick-in-the-neck they would inevitably wake up with...

Stop it. It was not appropriate to think about snuggling one’s clinic trial participants, OR one’s traitorous former friends. Not even if they looked as soft and cuddly as a teddy bear in that sweater. Instead Lena accepted the gifts as graciously as she could, then moved swiftly into explaining what would happen during the session before she could start wondering whether being alone together like this (not just one on one in public, but actually alone, without so much as a passing stranger to act as a social buffer) was really a good idea.

They went through the usual informed consent procedure, then Lena showed Kara the Q-wave stimulator and attached transmitter net. It looked similar to an EEG cap, and as far as anyone outside this project was concerned that was all it was, but the technology it contained was entirely unique.

‘You put this on, then after I’ve made some adjustments to make sure the fit is right, you just lie back and relax while I turn on the Q-wave frequency. It should be very gentle – you won’t feel any discomfort, but you might be aware of a slight hum or vibration, and the cap may get a little warm after a while. If it gets uncomfortably hot, or you want to stop for any reason, just raise your hand or call out and I’ll turn it off straight away’.

‘And that’s it? You don’t need me to solve puzzles or read out loud or anything? I just… lie there?’

‘That’s it’ Lena confirmed. ‘We’ll just do thirty minutes this time, but over the next couple of sessions we’ll work up to a full hour. I’m afraid it will be quite dull, but you can always nap if you want to’.

‘That’s okay. Do I need to keep quiet while it’s working, or will we be able to talk?’

‘Talking’s fine, the main thing is just to keep your head as still as possible, so the electrodes won’t shift out of place’.

‘Got it, so yes talking, no practising my dance moves’.

Kara demonstrated an odd flail-y move that involved swinging her head about with such zeal that she sent her glasses skittering off her nose onto the floor, and Lena couldn’t help the undignified little snort that erupted from her as Kara tried and failed to grab them out the air.

‘Yes, that is exactly what you shouldn’t do. Not least because I’m not sure how many hits like that a pair of glasses can take before you cause them irreparable damage’.

Lena knelt to retrieve the glasses from under the cot, but before she could reach them she found her attention catching on Kara’s socked feet where they dangled over the edge. From this angle she could see part of the motto stitched across the underside of each one: “If you can read this, pass the p”.

The rest of the phrase was obliterated by a large hole rubbed right through the heel, but it was easy enough to fill in the blank – partly because of the pattern of dancing cartoon potstickers that left little room for ambiguity, and partly because Lena was the one who had chosen the words in the first place: “If you can read this, pass the potstickers!”. The socks had been a joke gift the Christmas before last that she had spent far more time over than was strictly necessary for something that she’d been pretty sure would get a token wear or two on Chinese takeout feast nights, then disappear into the back of a drawer never to be seen again. And yet here they were again after all this time, not merely a reminder from another era, but clearly a well worn one.

‘You’ll get blisters with holes on your heels like that’.

Kara belatedly tried to hide the worn patch by tucking her right foot up against her ankle, though the left sock wasn’t in a much better state.

‘Sorry, I didn’t think about the fact that I’d be taking my shoes off for this when I put them on this morning. I keep meaning to learn to darn so I can mend them, but I never seem to find the time’.

Lena raised an eyebrow. Who darned in this day and age? She knew Kara didn’t make a huge amount of money as a junior reporter, but she certainly wasn’t struggling with the basics either.

‘Or you could just… buy some new socks?’

‘I have plenty of other socks, but these are my favourites. I don’t want to just throw them out’.

I’ll order you a new pair.

She almost said it, just barely managing to close her teeth around the words before they spilled out. Because of course she wouldn’t be getting Kara new socks. Today was the start of the Q-wave trial, and that meant that Kara would begin regaining her memories soon. There was every chance that by the time Lena had had the custom design made up and shipped over to the States, they would no longer be on gift giving terms.

Besides, she could hardly imagine Supergirl flying out to fight wearing silly smiling potsticker socks under her boots.

Then again, it was equally difficult to picture Kara as she was now – Lena’s Kara – donning Supergirl’s cape and hypocritically unbending moral code, let alone catching falling planes and buildings (and CEOs) when she couldn’t even catch her own glasses...

How many times had Kara risked her life saving those of everyone else in the city, only to pick herself up, wipe the blood from her knuckles and hurry over to see Lena with a laughing apology about buses or snapped shoe heels to explain away her lateness? She had borne the weight of two worlds on her shoulders, and yet still found time to be goofy with Lena, to bring her lunch and invite her to sleepovers and comfort her when she was sad, as if her own burden wasn’t a thousand times heavier than anyone on this planet could ever truly know...

Lena wrenched her gaze away from the holes in Kara’s socks and grabbed the dropped glasses before her distraction became too obvious, though it did nothing to dispel the confusing mixture of tenderness and pain that was beginning to feel a lot more like regret than the rage it was supposed to be.

Somehow she went through the motions of securing the cap and placing electrodes, hearing herself talk through what she was doing as if listening to someone else, while her mind stayed far away. She tried not to notice how close she had to stand to Kara, or the fact that leaning over her like this engulfed her in the familiar smell of coconut shampoo that had always been so much a part of the experience of hugging her that it had once induced Lena to claim that her ideal vacation would be to a beach, despite the fact that her pale skin would frizzle to a crisp if she attempted to sun bathe, and she could never entirely relax around large bodies of water in any case.

It was just that coconut was such a safe, comforting scent, it felt like a vacation in itself.

...Had Supergirl smelled of coconut?

She had carried Lena in her arms often enough that she should have been able to pick it up if she had, but she couldn’t remember one way or the other. Mostly what she remembered of those times was the relief of not being dead, and how inconceivably strong the arms holding her had been, like they could carry her to the ends of the Earth without ever getting tired. Honestly, if she hadn’t been so absorbed by her feelings for Kara she probably would have gone completely weak at the knees over Supergirl, at least before things started going wrong between them. If the whole situation wasn’t so awful it would be almost funny that her crush on Kara had been the only thing keeping her from developing a full blown crush on... Kara.

Lena tightened one final strap and then at last stepped gratefully back to the safe remove of her computer, where the only smells were of cleaning fluid and the lingering traces of the conductive gel she had used when applying the electrodes. Familiar, uncomplicated science lab odours that made her breathing come a little easier.

‘Aw, you stuck pictures up on the ceiling? That’s so nice!’

‘Hmm? Oh. Yes’.

She had almost forgotten about that.

‘It’s such a good idea – do you do this for all your trials?’

‘No, I- just the ones that involve staring at the ceiling’.

In fact, Lena had never even considered it before today, though it wasn’t the first time she had conducted a trial that involved someone lying still with nothing much to look at for an extended period. But for some reason this time it had occurred to her how unbearably boring it would be to stare up at the blank white of the lab’s ceiling for a full hour with no kind of visual stimuli, and had had Maureen from Maintenance stick a few things up.

‘Okay, slight buzz coming, try not to flinch’.

Kara stayed obediently stock still while Lena turned the dial to a gentle starting dose of five biohertz, then checked the readout on her laptop. The waves were targeting the dark S exactly as intended, and there was no indication of any danger-response in Kara’s vital signs. So far so good.

Kara remained rigid to the point that it looked almost painful.

‘Kara, I know I said not to move, but you’re allowed to breath’.

A slight loosening. A hint of a smile.

‘Sorry, I just want to make sure I get everything absolutely right. I mean, I’m helping with something epic right now. Obviously it’s mostly you and all the work you’ve done to get to this point, but I’m honoured to be even a small part of what you’re doing here’.

‘You’re very sweet to say so, but it’s not that big a deal, really’.

‘It is though. Seriously Lena, I am so impressed by you and how much you do to help people. If you weren’t my best friend I’d honestly be a kind of star struck. I mean, you’re basically a superhero with how much good you do in the world, and you don’t even need powers to do it’.

‘I- that-’ Lena started, then stumbled to a halt, unsure how to respond. She was no superhero, and the irony of Kara being the one to suggest she ever could be was enough to leave her momentarily speechless. She would never have said it if she knew...

‘How was work today?’

Kara’s brow knitted at what had to be the clunkiest segue of Lena Luthor’s entire rigorously socially-trained life, but mercifully she didn’t comment. In fact, she answered a bit too quickly and enthusiastically for such a mundane question, as if she was the one who had just made an awkward social blunder and was equally keen to move on from it as swiftly as possible.

‘Oh, things have escalated. I’ve actually been dying to tell you about it all day’.

‘Really? What did Andrea do this time?’

Lena settled back into her seat to listen, simultaneously relieved that Kara had accepted the topic change and braced for a further attack of guilt if she was about to find out that Catco had become the official press champion for kicking puppies, or had established a ‘no smiling in the office’ policy.

‘Just the usual. It’s actually not so much her this time, it’s William Dey’.

‘The new reporter from London? I’ve heard of him, he’s supposed to be really talented. Do you… like working with him?’

She tried to sound casual, but something about the way Kara had said the name made Lena’s hackles rise. As if this was someone who mattered. As if...

‘No. I think he might be evil’.

The response was so unexpected that it startled a laugh out of Lena. It was not at all the direction she had been imagining this would go, and she couldn’t help a little rush of gladness on realising that she wasn’t going to have to listen to Kara gush about her new crush for the next half hour. She might not want her that way herself anymore, but that didn’t mean she would relish hearing about her attraction to someone else.

‘What makes you say that?’

‘Well, to start with he rewrote my article’.

‘He must be stopped!’

Kara chuckled. ‘Okay yes, that bit is more of a petty grudge, but it was a good article, and he puff-i-fied it. It’s not just that though. He always seems to be right behind me, waiting for me to trip up so he can make me look bad and himself look good in front of Andrea. I thought he was just an ambitious ass, but now I think there’s something more going on. Today he pushed us away from a story about the unexpected death of a genetic engineer I interviewed last year. He claimed he’d looked into it and there was nothing suspicious, but… I don’t know. I can’t say why, but I am almost certain he was lying’.

Lena paused then, fingers hovering over the dial she had been about to adjust up to the next dosage level, no longer finding the whole thing so funny.

‘Wait, when you said you think he might be evil – was that just hyperbole or were you being literal?’

‘I honestly don’t know. Evil might be putting it too strongly, but there is something there, and if he really is covering up a murder I don’t think he can be one of the good guys’.

‘Kara, this sounds like it could be dangerous’. And you are not invulnerable right now.

‘Don’t worry, I’m being careful, and James and Nia have been helping me out’.

‘Hmm… Well, if there’s anything I can do to help please let me know. I have a lot of connections that could be useful, and I’d hate for any of you to get hurt over this’.

That didn’t count as getting too involved, right? Not if Lena was the one in control of the offer, and it was over something that could be a genuine danger to people at Catco. A danger to Kara.

‘Thanks, I will’.

Kara was quiet for a little while after that, staring up at the pictures above her. She kept her head perfectly still as instructed, but after a couple of minutes her fingers started fidgeting with the cord of her hoodie, wrapping it round and round her pinkie so that the tip went almost painfully red, until at last she appeared to come to some decision and broke the silence.

‘Lena?’

Her voice shook slightly, and Lena looked up at once, instantly alert, though apart from a slightly elevated heart rate none of the monitors suggested anything physically wrong.

‘What is it, do you need to stop?’

‘No, it’s not that. It’s…’

She paused, releasing her pinkie from its strangulation to reveal white ridges in the flesh where the cord had been digging in, only to start wrapping it round her ring finger instead.

‘We haven’t really talked about… you know. What happened between us. And I wondered if maybe we should’.

‘Oh’.

They had been studiously avoiding any mention of the fight ever since their first lunch date, and Lena had assumed they would continue to do so. It had been something she was both angry about and grateful for as they had started spending more and more time together, because Kara should care. She should think about it, and be sorry for it, and want to make amends for what she had done. But at the same time, there were no amends that could be made, and pretending it had never happened made it easier to build a small, temporary reality in which they were friends again without any of the baggage of their past.

For all Lena had idly imagined them having a deep heart-to-heart about everything when it was just an unlikely hypothetical, faced with the possibility of doing it for real her adrenaline levels spiked as if Kara had suggested they should jump into a volcano. In fact, Lena wasn’t sure she wouldn’t prefer the volcano, if it came to it. It would probably hurt less.

‘I’m not sure what there is left to say about it’.

It came out less certain than she had hoped it would, and although Kara couldn’t turn her head to look properly at her, her eyes swivelled, seeking a contact that Lena wouldn’t allow herself to offer.

‘Don’t get me wrong, I am so, so grateful that we’re friends again and the last thing I want to do is jeopardise that in any way, but I think I might have made you uncomfortable before, and maybe we should talk about that and work it through’.

‘I’m not uncomfortable’.

The last time Lena had been this uncomfortable was after wearing brand new four inch stiletto heels for sixteen hours straight with what had later turned out to be a fractured toe.

Kara continued to pull at her hoodie string, the fabric of the hood bunching as she tugged it too hard to one side, but despite her own evident discomfort she didn’t back down.

‘Okay… I guess I just- I’ve been trying to just accept it because I so badly want us to be back to normal, but honestly I don’t understand how you can just forgive me after I hurt you the way I did. I’m not sure I really deserve it’.

I can’t forgive you. I don’t forgive you.

That was the answer she was supposed to mean (but not say), and while it was still there, it came less easily than it should have. Because of course she hadn’t forgiven the Kara that had spent years betraying every moment of their friendship… But this Kara, as she was now? Well, her maybe Lena could forgive…

Maybe she already had.

She kept her eyes on her monitor, fiddling unnecessarily with a dial to buy herself a few more seconds (though in fact she was doing nothing more than messing with the volume control for an unplugged pulse oximeter’s low oxygen alarm) as she struggled silently to formulate a response that would placate Kara without risking everything she had worked for to get them to this point. This had been so much easier with Alex. The stakes were lower for one thing, because even if they had found there way back to a more or less amicable working relationship, what Alex Danvers thought of her was never something that Lena would lose sleep over. But Kara? Despite everything, Lena still cared far too much to take this lightly.

And of course even if the subject hadn’t been too raw to be touched, it would be hard to have an honest conversation when they were talking about two different fights, and Lena didn’t even know what one of them was supposed to have been about. It did occur to her that with some careful probing this might be the perfect opportunity to find out, but something in her shied away from attempting it. Whatever it was, it would come too close to the ragged hole at the core of her being, and the only way to stop that wound from bleeding was to keep the tourniquet she had made for it firmly in place.

No, talking about it wouldn’t do either of them any good.

‘I appreciate you saying that Kara, but I think we should just draw a line under the whole thing and move on. We can’t change what happened in the past. All we can decide now is where we go from here, and how we can do better by each other this time’.

She was consciously echoing Alex’s (well, probably Kelly-via-Alex’s) sentiment from a few days before, and while she knew that using it in the context of sweeping hurt feelings under the rug would probably not have been the original intention, it seemed to work. Lena watched from the corner of her eye as Kara finally let go of her hoodie cord and allowed her hand to fall back against her stomach, losing some of the nervous tension from her posture as she did so.

‘Alright. I do want us to move forward’.

‘So do I’.

For now.

After that Lena nudged the conversation back towards safer territory, and they talked about the pictures on the ceiling and where in the world they had been taken, then moved on to a game of where-would-I-rather-be-right-now. Kara wanted somewhere with a clear view of stars, and Lena offered up Jasper National Park in Canada, which was a dark sky preserve and far enough north for a good chance of seeing the aurora borealis into the bargain. Lena decided she was in the mood for somewhere cool and green, far from the sticky heat of the city, and Kara suggested Hallerbos Forest in Belgium, which at this time of year should be thickly carpeted in bluebells (this was something she probably shouldn’t have known about without her ability to fly around the world in mere minutes, and Lena had been momentarily alert for the possibility of a returning memory, until Kara added offhandedly that she had come across it during research for an article on the global disappearance of wild spaces).

They carried on in this way, and bit by bit Lena relaxed into it, until they were back to a place that felt mostly normal. By the end of the thirty minutes they were up to 12 biohertz with no signs of any ill effects to Kara, either on the scan or in the questionnaire she filled out after the cap had been removed, and all in all it had been a successful first run. There was admittedly no difference to the black S on Kara’s scan, or any indication of returning memories or powers (assuming otherwise-explicable knowledge of the flora of north-western Europe didn’t count) but that was only to be expected at this early stage.

While Kara was dealing with the mess the Q-wave cap had made of her hair in the next room, Lena sent a quick summary of the first session results over to ‘Annie’, promising the full write up once she was back at home.

Then she and Kara went out for ice cream.

Cherry Garcia for her, a double scoop of cookie dough and rocky road for Kara.

And whether it was down to Kara’s acknowledgement of the hurt she had caused, or simply the relief of something cool and creamy after all the unseasonable heat they had been having, it was the best ice cream Lena had had in years.

[kingdaddydaichi]

Asahi’s favorite memory: when you confessed your feelings for him…

☼ a/n: sfw, gn!reader, this is a cute little fluffy drabble that i found buried deep in my long ass wip list. i wrote it almost a year ago and guess i never got around to posting it? it’s been a hot minute since i’ve turned something out for my sugar bear asahi so here you go, asahi simps <3

☼ wc: 1.1k

☼ tagging: @crystal-lilac

The two of you had been friends for several months after meeting each other.

You’d go to art museums and old gardens together.

You’d go to his games and shout loudly, clapping and calling his name out, which embarrassed him to no end, but he secretly loved it.

You’d hang out at each other's places, eating/drinking/watching documentaries/reading.

You got sick once and he missed practice to come over and take care of you.

He got injured during a match one day and had no choice but to sit out the rest of the game. You went with him to his team's athletic/sports clinic, but had to stay in the waiting area when they called him. Half an hour later he came back out with his ankle taped up and doctor's orders to not play for a minimum of 3 weeks.

Asahi was so depressed.

You took him home, wishing you could be of more help as he hobbled to the passenger side of your car. You stayed with him for the first couple of hours after getting him home, making sure he kept his ankle elevated and iced as ordered.

To help keep him off his feet you made him dinner - his favorite, your own take on tonkotsu ramen. He devoured it with constant praises about how good it was.

After cleaning up, you brought him a fresh ice pack. He smiled and took you by the wrist, pulling you down to sit on the couch next to him.

"Sit down and relax. You deserve a break, (y/n)."

You plopped down next to him, his long arm falling across your shoulders as your thigh brushed against his.

"Why are you doing this?" he asked.

"Hm? Doing what?"

"Taking such good care of me?"

You looked down at your hands and blushed. "Do you not know, Asahi?" you whispered, still unable to meet his gaze.

Both of your hearts were pounding. It was double or nothing. The deciding moment - would you confess and risk making things weird? Or would you go on to remain ‘just friends’?

"I think I might," he said, "but it's not something I want to say out loud in case I'm wrong."

You pulled all your wits into one small space within you and drew your legs up to turn and face him, looking up into his big, brown eyes. Hopeful.

"Asa, I-" you looked away, faltering for a second before wrangling your courage back in. Meeting his eyes again, you continued, "I think- no, I know...that I have umm..." His eyes grew wider as he shifted next to you. "Oh shit. I have feelings for you, Asahi. I'm so sorry!" You buried your face in your hands in embarrassment.

He didn't move or say anything for several seconds. You started to think you'd definitely ruined your friendship with him and hung your head, ashamed.

But then you felt his warm fingers curl around yours, encouraging you to move your hands away from your face. When you peeked, you saw the same big, brown eyes, softer now. And he was smiling.

"Like, romantic feelings?" He needed to know for sure.

Your hands flew back to your face and laughing you said, "Yes! Omg stop making it worse, Asa!"

He chuckled before prying at your fingers again. "Look at me, (y/n)."

You were so nervous you could've cried.

"Don't be sorry..." he trailed off, his eyes dipping to your lips.

He cupped your face in his huge hand, gently pulling you towards him as he lowered his lips to yours in a tender, chaste kiss.

Your fingers swept over his hand and without opening your eyes, you breathed his name as a question. He hummed from deep inside his chest, his cheeks dusted with warm pink while your own felt hot, especially with his breath ghosting across your skin before pulling away to look at you.

"I've had a crush on you since the day I met you," he whispered.

“No, you haven't. You're just sayi-"

Asahi interrupted, "The way you kept looking away every time I looked at you. The way you smiled at me like I was the best thing you'd never known."

Your breath caught in your throat. It was true, but how did he know that? Had you really been that easy to read?

"The way you giggled when I stumbled on my words,” he went on. “The way you made me want to know you. To spend time with you. To just...have you in my life, close to me."

“Stop it, Asa, you're gonna make me cry! Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because I'm chicken shit!” he admitted with a laugh. “And by the time I felt confident enough to tell you, we'd already become pretty good friends and I didn't want to fuck that up." He kissed your forehead. “I’m sorry, (y/n), I should’ve said something…”

You shook your head at him. “No, if I don’t get to be sorry, then neither do you.”

He smiled. “Fair enough.”

There was a long, comfortable silence.

“So…what do we do now?” you asked.

“I think we’re supposed to start dating or something.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. But how’s that any different from what we already do?”

“I guess we just keep doing what we’ve been doing – hanging out, spending time together. Only now I’m pretty sure we get to kiss and hold hands and make our friends uncomfortable by openly flirting with each other.”

You couldn’t hold back anymore. You lunged at him, throwing your arms around his neck, squealing into his shoulder, loving the sound of his laughter right against you and the feeling of his arms wrapping around you, pulling you in closer.

You pulled back enough to look up at him smiling back at you as you brushed a stray strand away from his handsome face, your fingers burying themselves in the thickness of his long hair.

“I wanna kiss you again, Asa.”

“Then kiss me.”

You touched your lips to his before pressing into them, slow and measured. You wanted to savor every detail of this kiss. His thumb swept across your jaw, pulling you into him as he opened his lips against yours.

Your hearts were pounding, your breaths shallow and shaky when you pushed against each other’s tongues.

This went on for a few minutes, having turned into a full-blown makeout session. Both pairs of hands were dangerously close to going too far, too soon. He pulled away first, panting, his eyes lidded with desire.

“Shit, we shouldn’t…yet” You nodded in full agreement. He was right. “Need to take things slow. I want us to go slow.”

“So do I. No need to rush.”

You settled in close to him, his strong arm wrapped around you while you mindlessly played with each other’s fingers, talking and laughing about ways to make your friends uncomfortable.

a. azumane m.list

[totowlff]

chapter ten — jackpot

➝ what are the chances of a dream coming true on any given friday?

➝ word count: 3,8k

➝ warnings: mentions of medical procedures

➝ author’s notes: i strongly advise you to translate the parts in german.

Cassie sat in her car for a few minutes, trying to calm herself down before she went into the fertility clinic.

She had come to find out if she could undergo her second attempt at in-vitro fertilization after the first round had failed.

She and Toto had made the decision together to proceed with a second round at her flat a few weeks prior. The following Monday, Cassie called the clinic to find out what the procedure would be like since they had some frozen embryos.

Her doctor explained that, although she would not need to go through the egg retrieval process like the first time, she would need to repeat the cycle of hormones she’d gone through before the first embryo transfer to prepare her uterus for implantation once more. Cassie had a feeling that would be the case, but she was still a bit frustrated when she found out that she would need to wait a month following the period she’d had after the first failed round. Her doctor had explained that it was important to give  her uterus a chance to recover from the first cycle. It was understandable, but Cassie was still anxious. 

Since she and Toto decided to try again, she’d started counting down the days on her wall calendar until she would be able to start a new cycle. It was agonizing — she’d have to wait five weeks to the day after one of the most depressing days of her life.

Finally, the appointed Friday arrived. Cassie woke up early to go to the clinic for a quick fasting blood draw before work to check her hormone levels so her doctor could plan the next cycle. She didn’t mind — it was a race week, so it was better for her to be at the factory early, anyway.

After her blood was drawn, Cassie was told to stop by at the end of the day to receive the results and figure out what her next steps would be. She thanked the nurse and left the clinic, unable to shake her looming anxiety.

The day felt like it was dragging on, even though Cassie was incredibly busy with her race weekend workload. She had also been dealing with her period earlier on in the week, and was still feeling a little fatigued. However, even the urge to go home and lie down on the couch didn’t stop her from going back to the clinic after work for her results, and to find out what was next.

Cassie took a few deep breaths bet getting out of the car and going into the building. She felt her phone vibrate inside her bag as she stepped into the clinic’s waiting room, but ignored it for a moment while she said hello to the receptionist. 

— Good afternoon, Miss Aldersey — she said.

— Good afternoon, Ashley, I came to get the results of my blood test from this morning — Cassie replied. 

While Ashley typed something into her computer, Cassie opened her purse and checked her phone. Toto had sent her a message.  “I'll answer him later”, she thought, shoving the phone back into her purse.

— Of course, Miss Aldersey. Could you follow me? — the receptionist said, while getting up to lead her to a private room. It was just like when she’d started this process and received her blood test results and instructions.

Cassie didn’t find the experience of having to go through all of this again very pleasant. She had hoped to go through this only once and only return to check on issues related to the health of the baby growing inside her. But fate, God, coincidences, chance, or some other entity ensured that she wasn’t pregnant after her first embryo transfer.

Upon entering the room, Ashley asked her to sit down and wait for the nurse to arrive so they could review her results. While she waited, she fished her cell phone out of her purse to check the message Toto had sent her. It was direct and simple.

“Is everything going okay? How are your blood tests?”, his message read.

Cassie wrote that she was waiting on the nurse and put her phone back in her bag as soon as she tapped “send”. As soon as she zipped up her purse, Martina, the head nurse at the clinic, knocked on the door and let herself in.

— Good afternoon, Miss Aldersey, how are you?

— I’m okay, Martina. How about you?

— I'm fine, honey. So, let’s talk about your results.

— Okay.

— Your hormone levels are very good, which leads us to believe that you’re making good progress so far.

— I'm glad — Cassie said.

— It is normal for these levels to double every two days, so these high numbers are what we expect to see — Martina said, pointing out some numbers on the clipboard she was showing Cassie —  They are within the expected range for the beginning of a healthy pregnancy.

Cassie blinked, stunned.

— I'm sorry, but did you say pregnancy?

— Yes, Miss Aldersey.

More silence.

— I think there's been a mistake, Martina.

The woman widened her eyes.

— Why makes you think that, Miss Aldersey?

— My first cycle didn't work out. I… I thought this blood test was to do a check for my hormones before another embryo transfer. Why are you talking about pregnancy?

The woman looked down at the test results in her hands, then back up at Cassie.

— Well, your results indicate that there are levels of hCG in your blood that are consistent with that of a pregnant woman.

She felt her heart skipping a beat.

— Martina, that doesn't make any sense — Cassie said — I did the tests before, nothing was detected, I had my period right after, and another period just finished. There must have been some sort of mix-up in the lab or something...

— Miss Aldersey, you were the only patient who had a blood draw today. There weren’t any other samples in the lab to mix yours up with.

Cassie blinked. She felt like the floor was disappearing under her feet.

— But... But... Is there a chance that there was some… Mistake… A false positive?

— It’s not impossible, but it’s not likely — Martina replied, looking again at the papers in her hand, reading the numbers printed on them. When she saw the look on Cassie's face, she looked thoughtful for a moment — Well, if I may ask... Have you had sexual intercourse in the last five weeks?

The image of Toto above her, his face contorted in an expression of pure pleasure as he came inside her filled Cassie's mind. It had been… 

Four weeks.

— Uh, well… Y-yes — Cassie stammered, a little dazed.

Martina smiled.

— Well, then I believe that there is a high likelihood that you conceived naturally since your last period.

Cassie was having a hard time wrapping her head around it. No, it wasn’t possible.

— But, my period just ended…

— Was the flow lighter than normal?

Cassie thought for a second, before tentatively nodding.

— It was probably implantation bleeding, which is quite common in the first few weeks of pregnancy. 

Cassie fell silent, and her heart was beating so fast she thought it would explode inside her chest. Her breathing was heavy, her hands had started to shake. It seemed too surreal to be true. “Am I dreaming?”, she wondered.

— Miss Aldersey — Martina said, crouching down in front of her and placing her hands on Cassie’s knees, a wide smile on her face — You did it. You're pregnant.

— I'm pregnant — she repeated, as if in a trance.

— You’re going to be a mum.

— I’m going to be a mum — Cassie repeated.

— Yes, there's a little baby growing inside you right now. And it is doing very well, Miss Aldersey, if your hormone levels are any indication.

Cassie’s head was floating, her body numb. It couldn’t be.

— Fuck — she muttered.

Martina laughed.

— I know this isn’t usually how women find out they’re pregnant, but it's a special moment nonetheless, don’t you think?

— What now?

The head nurse smiled.

— Well, in case of success at conception, we refer the patient to an obstetrician for pregnancy care. 

— But… What should I do?

— I'm sorry, I don't understand, Miss Aldersey.

— I mean, there’s so much to do now, like… do I buy maternity clothes? Should I start putting that… cocoa bu4tter lotion on my belly? Do I put in for leave at work? Do I already choose the hospital where I will give birth? Should I start getting the nursery ready? What about the name? — she asked, gesturing wildly. She knew she was rambling, but she couldn’t stop herself. It felt like all the pregnancy articles she'd read up until then started to jumble together in her head.

— I know it’s a lot to think about, but I think you could start by telling your partner that he's going to be a father.

The word 'father' made Cassie's heart skip a beat. Not only had she become a mother-to-be, but Toto had also become a father-to-be. He needed to know that he was going to have a child. He needed to know that they had done it, in more ways than one.

But Toto was in Spain. She couldn’t possibly tell him over the phone.

The rest of the conversation with Martina was a blur. Cassie received prescriptions, a referral to an obstetrician, and a pair of white crocheted baby booties from the clinic, and the well-wishes of the nurse and staff.

Back in the car, Cassie had no idea what to do. She felt dazed, lost, and a little scared. She had gone to start a second fertilization cycle and left the clinic with the news she had been waiting for months, something she’d wanted more than anything. Instead of feeling joy, she felt an almost-paralyzing fear.

Staring at the silver Mercedes logo on the steering wheel, resting her hands on her stomach, Cassie only snapped out of her thoughts when she heard the insistent vibrating of her phone inside of her purse. She dug it out again and saw Toto’s name on the caller ID. 

— Hello?

— Hi, Cassie. Is everything okay?

"You are going to be a father".

— Yes — she replied, in a thin voice.

— How did things go at the clinic?

"I'm pregnant".

— Things went… Fine  — Cassie said, hesitantly.

Toto was quiet on the other end of the line, like he knew something was up.

— Are you sure, Cassie? Any issues with the results?

"We are going to have a child".

— Yes. There was a… Change.

— Change? What kind of change? You weren't taking any medications.

"In our life, forever".

— I know, but… It's just… Toto, this is something I'd like to talk to you about in person.

More silence on the other end of the line.

— It is serious?

“Do you consider having a child serious, Toto?”

— No, not really. What time do you come back on Sunday?

— I believe I'll be in Oxford by early evening. I can stop by your flat before I go home. How about that?

— Perfect — she replied, forcing herself to smile. If she sounded more optimistic, over the phone, maybe Toto would worry less.

He said goodbye to her and hung up the phone. After staring at her own reflection on the screen for a few seconds, Cassie leaned her head against the back of the seat, letting out a long sigh, bringing her hand to her stomach.

She would lose it by then.

The weekend was agonizing. Cassie's effort to think about anything other than the fact that there was a human being growing inside her was futile. She seemed to sabotage herself at every turn, whether it was spending time doing research, browsing Instagram and looking at other people’s baby pictures, or watching free and qualifying practices, hoping to see a little bit of Toto.

“Does he have any idea what I'm going to tell him?” she wondered, staring at the image of him on the television, his jaw set in concentration as he sat at the engineering station. It made Cassie think of his expression when he was inside her, promising that he would give a child to her. He unknowingly fulfilled his promise that night.

Cassie was far more nervous on Sunday morning. She was so distracted that she couldn’t finish anything she’d started. She was having breakfast when she decided to take a shower. In the middle of the shower, she remembered something that she wanted to look something up. She left something out on the counter instead of putting it in the refrigerator. Her nerves were so bad that her stomach was twisting and churning, making her throw out the uneaten half of her breakfast. When she tried to put on her deodorant, she recoiled at the smell and became immediately nauseous. 

— Thanks for letting me know you're there, little brat — she muttered, getting up from in front of the toilet to brush her teeth and get the taste of bile out of her mouth.

After leaving the bathroom, Cassie went back for something she had bought at the end of the first fertilization cycle, when she still hoped she was pregnant. She dug through her bedroom closet, moving aside some clothes and a few boxes until she found what she was looking for. It was a small box. She took the package in her hand and sat on the edge of her bed to open the lid, revealing a small onesie nestled in some teal tissue paper, smiling at it. It had a race car and some text that said “Future Mercedes Driver” on it. Cassie thought it was too cute to resist ordering when she saw it online.

It was how she’d planned on surprising Toto with the good news the first time, but when the first IVF cycle failed, she shoved the box deep into her closet, because remembering she had it was too painful. But now it was real. The onesie had an owner growing inside of her, and the owner’s father needed to know.

At the end of the day, Cassie received a message from Toto, a heads-up that he was returning from Barcelona and that his flight would be landing after about two hours. She sent a thumbs-up emoji, for lack of anything better to say to him other than "you're going to be a father".

Those few hours felt so long. Not even the fourth episode of Girlboss managed to distract Cassie from looking at the little white box resting on her coffee table. Her eyes were glued to her phone’s clock, and she was practically praying for time to pass faster so her anticipation and nerves would be resolved sooner. She just wanted to be able to tell Toto so that they would be able to enjoy the moment together. Only when Toto, the man who had been dreaming of this with her, knew, would she be able to relax.

The sound of the doorbell made her jump off the couch and practically sprint to the button near her door that opened the building’s exterior door. A few seconds later, Cassie heard a knock on the door to her flat. She broke into a smile as she opened it, and could feel her heart pounding in her chest. 

— Good evening, Cassie — Toto said.

— Good evening — she replied, exerting a great deal of effort to appear nonchalant  — Come in.

He walked past her and toed off his shoes in the hallway as Cassie closed the door. She felt like her whole body was trembling. Taking a second to breathe, she followed after him, who had headed into the living room, where the episode of Girlboss was paused.

— Well, I was going to stop by today anyway, but you said you needed to talk to me, so I decided to stop by before I went home.

— Yes, I needed… I need to.

— Well, I'm here. 

Cassie stared at him in silence for a few seconds.. “How do you start this kind of conversation?”, she wondered. Her hesitation caused Toto to look concerned.

— Cassie, is there something wrong? Did something show up on your blood test?

— I think you'd better sit down — she said quietly.

He raised an eyebrow.

— Cassie, I'm not going to do anything until you tell me what’s wrong. Please, tell me.

The words got stuck in her throat. Her eyes filled with tears. Even before the first tear could run down her cheek, Toto got close to her, cradling her face gently in his hands.

— Cassandra, if you don't tell me, I won't know how to help you.

— Toto — she sniffed, placing one of her hands over his. 

— Come on, my angel, tell me.

She looked at him. Hearing him call her “my angel” sent a tingle down her spine, but it gave her the resolve to finally speak.

— There was… A change in the hormone levels on my blood test.

— What kind of change?

— The level of a hormone called ‘hCG’ is… Elevated — she whispered.

Toto blinked.

— Is that serious?

— Well, it depends.

— Depends on… What?

— How serious is a child for you?

Neither of them said anything for a few seconds. Toto’s face became puzzled.

— What?

— I'm pregnant — she finally managed to say. Tears were falling down her face in earnest now — We're having a baby.

After a few seconds, Toto cracked a smile. Not just any smile, a wide smile, the kind that went all the way to his eyes and caused the top of his nose to crinkle. His eyes were shining with tears too, but he could only laugh. Removing his hands from her face, he wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her into a hug, spinning with Cassie in the middle of the room, their laughter echoing through the apartment.

— We're going to have a baby — Toto repeated as she held onto his neck, laughing and crying at the same time. She had never felt so happy in her life, not even with her professional achievements. And that realization was, at the same time, incredible and frightening.

Suddenly, he stopped, setting Cassie on the ground.

— Fuck, you shouldn't have done that, right? — he asked, in a slightly worried tone. — Did I hurt you? Did I hurt the baby?

Cassie laughed.

— No, I'm fine. And considering the baby is the size of a poppy seed, I don't think it cares too much at this point.

— But how? When? The first cycle failed — he stopped for a few seconds.

— Yes, the IVF failed, but, uh… The other method did not.

He blinked.

— We hit the jackpot — Cassie smirked, placing a hand on her stomach.

Looking down at her hand, Toto was silent. It was like he was trying to take everything in, trying to convince himself that it was real. 

He was trying to convince himself that he was going to be a father.

— Fuck — he muttered.

— Don't talk like that in front of our child.

— Sorry.

— It’s okay — she whispered, with a smile on her face.

After a few more seconds

— Can I talk to her? — he asked quietly.

— To the baby? — Cassie asked. She was a little confused.

— Yeah.

— Of course — she replied — It's your child too.

Taking her hand, Toto walked over to the couch and sat down, positioning Cassie between his knees. Then, he took his hands to the shirt she was wearing and lifted it a little, enough so that her navel showed, just above the line of the shorts she was wearing. There weren't any signs that could suggest a pregnancy yet, but Cassie started crying again anyway. Then he looked up at Cassie, as if he was considering a question he would ask.

— Toto?

— Can I speak German with her? I want to… Express myself properly.

— You can talk to her in whatever language you’d like. Even in Tengwar, for all I care.

He smiled again.

— That’s from Lord of the Rings, right? I don’t speak that, but I can learn. I'm good with languages.

— I know, mister polyglot — Cassie chuckled, rolling her eyes a little.

Turning his eyes to her belly, he took a deep breath.

— Hallo Tochter. Oder Sohn, aber ich bin sicher, du bist ein kleines Mädchen. Dein Vater spricht. Ich bin so froh, dass du endlich auf dem Weg bist. Du hast keine Ahnung, wie oft ich von dir geträumt habe. Mit dir und deiner Mutter. Du wachst neben mir auf, machst gemeinsam Frühstück, spielst auf unserem Rasen. Und jetzt, du bist hier, bei uns. Na ja, nicht gerade bei uns, denn du hast noch etwas Zeit im Bauch deiner Mutter, aber du bist in gewisser Weise hier.

Cassie was a little embarrassed that she only knew two modern languages, unlike Toto, who spoke five fluently, with only a slight accent. She had taken French lessons during her school years, but she hadn't actually retained much of it. In college, she learned modern and ancient Greek as well as Latin, which was of little use in the marketing world.

However, maybe it was better that Cassie couldn’t understand German. Toto was speaking to their child in his mother tongue, in the way he felt most comfortable. It was like seeing him for real, freed from the filters that other languages put on his words.

— Ich kann es kaum erwarten, dich kennenzulernen, Tochter. Ich kann es kaum erwarten, dich in meinen Armen zu halten und in deine Augen zu sehen, die wahrscheinlich der schönste Braunton der Welt sein werden. Ich kann es kaum erwarten, Küsse auf deinen Kopf zu pflanzen, der mit roten Strähnen bedeckt ist, wie der deiner Mutter. Du wirst so schön sein wie deine Mutter, da bin ich mir sicher. Und ich werde genauso verrückt nach dir sein, wie ich verrückt nach ihr bin.

Cassie thought she could puzzle out a few of the words he was saying, just because they sounded similar to words in English, like ‘tochter’, which sounded like ‘daughter’, and ‘sohn’, which had to mean ‘son’. She also recognized the word ‘mutter’, which she assumed was ‘mother’, which made her think maybe he was mentioning her, but that was the extent of what she could understand.

— Ich werde immer für dich da sein, meine Tochter. Für dich und deine Mutter. Ich liebe dich, Tochter, ich liebe dich, und ich liebe deine Mutter. Ihr beide seid mir das Wichtigste auf der Welt. Die einzigen Dinge, die zählen — Toto spoke softly, resting his head on her stomach. Cassie then brought her hands to his head, her fingers tangling in his dark hair.

— Thank you — she murmured.

He looked up, a little startled.

— For what?

— For keeping your promise.

Toto smiled as he stood up, embracing Cassie in a warm hug. He looked down at her with a fond look on his face.

— I will always keep my promises to you, Cassandra. Always.

[highwaywhump]

Surgery, part 1

This is a series! Masterlist here.

another panic attack? you bet. also hurr durr i’m not a medical professional. 

this was originally 3.6k so i cut it on half. watch out for the other part

CW/TW: text not proofread. doctors, talk of surgery, struggling pet/dehumanized whumpee. not much honestly, next part is worse

--

The orthopedic surgeon works at a private medical center on the southside, too small to be a hospital but too big for a clinic. They’d been there one time already, to get x-rays, so the parking lot felt familiar to Aaron as the car rolled in.

“You okay?” he asks, looking over at Joey in the passenger seat. 

Joey just nods, a stunted, staccato movement. His hands are tightly wound in his lap, partially disguised by the sweater he’s wearing. He’s good at hiding his feelings, but Aaron can tell. He’s not okay. 

“I understand that it can be scary, Joey,” Aaron says softly, even though he doesn’t really understand. Can’t understand. The regulations for medical care at the WRU training facilities aren’t exactly open to the public, not to mention the sketchy care he’d been given by his previous owner - if he’d been given any at all. 

Joey had been shaking like a leaf during the entirety of the previous visit, so much so that Aaron had been given one of those heavy aprons and had sat with him, holding his hand, while the x-ray technicians had set up the machine and taken the pictures. He hadn’t said a word during the whole visit, not for the car ride home either. When they entered the house he’d asked to be excused (which Aaron obliged to, of course) and he’d moved up the stairs with unusual velocity and been in his room for the rest of the day. Aaron took it to mean he wanted to be alone, so he had come up with a tray of dinner, lightly knocked and left it outside the door for him. 

He pretended not to hear the stifled sobs behind the door as he went downstairs again. 

“I wouldn’t ask you to do this if I didn’t think it would help you. You’ll walk normally again in a few weeks, and your collarbone will stop hurting.” 

Joey nods again, not looking Aaron in the eye. Not that he did much of that anyways, but today he seems extra careful to keep his gaze on his hands. 

“Look,” Aaron starts, turning towards him. He offers up hand, laying it to rest on the center console. “If it becomes too much in there, you just tell me and we’ll go home. Come back another day.”

Joey turns his head, carefully testing the waters as he movs his gaze up, first looking at Aaron’s open hand and then onwards, upwards, meeting his eyes. His look is unwavering, but wide and clearly terrified. 

“I’ll be a good boy,” he whispers, and puts his own hand in Aaron’s open one, as if to stress the sentiment.

Aaron smiles, if only to hide the slight melancholy that blooms in his chest. 

Of course you’ll be a good boy, he thinks halfheartedly. It seems like a survival technique, to retreat into that pet-mentality which admittedly was supposed to keep him safe. Pets had guidelines to follow, and were promised an easy go of it if they just adhered to them. 

“But remember, you can’t call me Sir in there, okay? Just Aaron. Or nothing at all.” He adds the last part when he saw how Joey’s jaw tightened. He nodded again. Aaron squeezed his hand. 

They had been offered a late appointment. Sunday night, which meant no other scheduled surgeries and probably no emergencies that needed attention. Dr. Perez had assured Aaron over the phone that she only trusted a select few of her nurses with patients such as Joey - who evidently wasn’t the first ex-pet she’d treated. They’d get a private room at the end of a hallway, which meant no reason whatsoever for anybody who didn’t belong there to come in. 

The x-ray appointment, which had been an in-and-out in 30 minutes kind of situation, had been the same; outside normal office hours and with only two or three nurses who knew exactly what they were dealing with. They had an in-house accountant to handle the payment. It still meant insurance fraud, but it wasn’t Aaron’s fraud, and that made him feel marginally less worried about it all. 

Aaron had carefully proposed the idea of a surgery on the last day of Joey’s sickness. They were both on the couch, Joey in Aaron’s arms with a thick blanket wrapped around himself. He hadn’t slept properly for days, except for short and fitful bouts here and there whenever the fever finally let him rest well. Aaron wasn’t much better off, worrying so much for his ward he’d probably developed gray hairs from it.

“Dr. Simmons gave me the contact info of a surgeon who could take a look at your leg. And your collarbone. Do you think you’d be up for that?”

Maybe it was unfair to ask him while he was so tired and out of it. Aaron knew he’d go along with any mere suggestion he’d come with - that was the nature of his training. But the bloodshot eyes that looked up at him from the bundle of blankets in his lap, told another story. Pain and fear, sure - but also relief, for the first time in days. Joey nodded, too tired to say anything. Tired from the pain, the fever, and probably from having to hobble along when walking, and from a throbbing clavicle that kept him from using his arm for anything other than scratching his nose.

Aaron had accepted the answer with a reassuring hand in his hair. He’d held the little one close, kept him warm and safe, and lulled him gently to sleep with a few fingers rubbing soothing circles on his temple. 

But that was then and this was now. Gone was all the relief and the warm safety. Joey was stiff as Aaron helped him out of the car. Yes, they’d been here once before - but that time Joey had only been laying on his back on a table for a bit and then they’d gone home again. 

Aaron supposed he could understand. Today, they’d cut into him. 

–

Dr. Perez has a great bedside manner. She speaks directly to Joey in a tone without any condescension or disdain, Aaron notes, as she points to different parts of the x-ray picture on the screen of her tablet, explaining the procedure.

“What I’ll do is that I’ll make a tiny cut here, and then put the bone back together so that the angle is right, and put in a couple of screws to make sure it stays. And in six to eight weeks, you’ll be walking like it’d never been broken at all. Sounds good?” 

Joey is timid and still almost petrified with fear, but he manages a slight stiff nod, a dip of his head, up and down. “Yes, doctor,” he whispers. His eyes even flit up to meet hers for a fraction of a second. 

“You will be asleep during the whole procedure. You won’t feel anything at all. Okay? You’ll get all the pain medication you need after, as well. We will make this as comfortable for you as possible.” She leans forward and reaches out a hand. Joey stares at it, and for a few long seconds Aaron thinks he won’t do anything. But then he carefully unwinds his own hand from where it is gripping his other wrist, and gingerly places it in Dr. Perez’. 

“Do you believe me when I say that, Joey?” she asks, and he nods again. 

She smiles warmly at him, and it’s a true smile that shows off the crow’s feet around her eyes. She really means what she says next. “It’s important to me that you feel safe here, Joey. I want to help you. That’s why Aaron brought you here.” Aaron nods, even though Joey can’t see it, with the way he so stubbornly studies the toes of his winter boots, neatly placed by the edge of the hospital bed. He’s seated on it, already dressed in a patient gown, his bony shoulders protruding more than ever. His feet hang off the edge, slightly swinging.

Not for the first time, Aaron is struck by how young and fragile he looks.

“Okay,” Dr. Perez says as she checks her watch. “Becca will come by in a bit to prepare you. She’ll give you some medicine you need before we give you the anesthesia. In an hour, I’ll come get you and we’ll operate.” She guides Joey’s hand back into his lap and lets go. “You will be all good, Joey. I promise.” 

Aaron has seen enough medical dramas to know that doctors can never promise anything, lest they’ll be sued. Dr. Perez means it. 

Then again, they’re operating outside the law tonight. This surgery is officially not being performed, especially not on a person that officially doesn’t exist anymore. 

Dr. Perez meets his gaze on the way out. Her brown eyes are genuine and solemn, an expression born of many years of soothing worried patients. They manage to calm even his pulse a little, even though he is not the one being cut open. She closes the door as she exits, leaving him and Joey alone. 

“You doing okay?” he asks as he rounds the bed and sits down on the chair next to it, facing Joey. He takes the glass of water from the bedside table and offers it to Joey, who plucks it out of his hands and drinks - judging from the look on his face as he swallows, not because he’s thirsty. Just because Aaron asked him to. 

“Yes, Sir,” he whispers weakly, and squeezes his eyes shut as he catches his mistake. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay, sweetheart. Just… try not to, when there are other people.” Even with all the precautions that have been taken, Aaron still can’t be entirely sure. They can’t risk any uninitiated understanding the full extent of their relationship. It’s better if they see him as a concerned friend or brother or uncle, not as… well. As Joey’s owner. He has seen the occasional headline of a pet who has been caught in situations they’re not allowed to be in by law. Usually, the punishment is a hefty fine. Sometimes it’s prison and forced removal. 

Aaron has naturally read up on the legislation. If caught, tonight’s activities would result in the latter. 

“Hey,” he mutters and reaches out, brushing Joey’s dark locks out of his face and behind his ears. 

He seems to have a conflicted relationship to touch. Only a few short weeks ago, Aaron moving his hand towards his head would have resulted in Joey in a hysteria of apologies and groveling, afraid of being hit. But at the same time, he’d always chase after it when Aaron would remove his hand. All the hugs they’d shared in the time they’d had together had built a tiny pillar of trust, and now he leans into the palm of Aaron’s hand, turning his face towards it. For a moment he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath - as deep as he can, with how taut his muscles are wound.

“You’re going to be alright, Joey,” Aaron says and allows himself to lightly scratch him behind one ear. 

He knows he shouldn’t. He knows it probably reinforces all the boundaries he’s working to break, and he knows all sorts of different thoughts will awaken in Joey’s head. But right now, maybe there could be an exception. Just to make him feel a little bit safer, given the circumstances.

And he does. Joey nearly melts into his hand, his eyebrows turning up. He bites his lip and Aaron can nearly see the stress running off his shoulders. He counts to three in his head, thinking he’ll retract his hand when he gets there, but changes his mind and counts to five, and then to ten. If Joey had been on his feet, his knees would have buckled.

At last, he lighty pulls back. Joey blinks his eyes open as he straightens his back, sitting back up. 

“I think I saw a vending machine down the hall. Think you’ll be okay alone for a few minutes?” 

Joey looks up at him, looking marginally less worried now. “Yes,” he says, his voice meek. Aaron isn’t sure if he agrees because he thinks he will, or if it’s to appease him. Nevertheless, he smiles at him as he moves towards the door. 

“Okay. I’ll pick something up for you. Salted caramel, right?” 

Joey nods quickly. Aaron thinks he can even see a slight upturn of the corner of his mouth. 

–

The vending machine turns out to be on the floor below, of course, and it jams, of course, and several more minutes than Aaron would have liked have gone by before he finally reaches the hallway where Joey’s room is. Only… the door is open. 

It hadn’t been when he left. He’d closed it, he’s certain. 

A nurse rushes past him and dashes into the room before he can react. Something’s wrong, he figures. 

Terribly wrong, judging from Joey’s frantic voice inside, begging for mercy.

--

Tags <3

@simplygrimly @castielamigos-whump-side-blog @briars7 @hackles-up @doveotions @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @kixngiggles @firewheeesky @maracujatangerine @nicolepascaline @whumpthisway @thingsthatgo-whump-inthenight @whumping-snail @pumpkin-spice-whump @pigeonwhumps

[donnerpartyofone]

My Personal Birdemic

Yesterday was very much a part of the ongoing narrative. That might sound like a description of ANY day, but let's be real, a lot of days are just filler or digressive interludes that don't support the key themes or story arc. Unlike yesterday, when I returned to a skin clinic where I'd had many bad experiences, just because it was the closest place for me to go in an emergency and they could see me right away. A new asthma medication was both driving me insane and destroying my face, and the remediation measures I took in the skin department had nightmarish consequences, so off I went. Let me just say that you really don't want to be forced to choose between your lungs and your face and your mind. As soon as I was in front of a doctor I started sobbing violently. I just couldn't control myself anymore, which is a sensation I really hate. It probably didn't help that I was actually being listened to for once; kindness can trigger a breakdown as efficiently or moreso than adversity. The nurse seemed pretty alarmed and brought me a bottle of water, which made me want to disintegrate into my irreducible components forever, but I managed to get enough of my shit together to leave peaceably.

There were stupid hiccups at the pharmacy that kept me there way too long, and I realized that if I went home I would miss my televisit with my other doctor to explain what was going on, so I just went to the park to do it outside. There were lots of technical problems with that, and it took about half an hour to get it working. In the meantime I thought, Who the hell is making that terrible racket? There was a sparrow on the ground behind the park bench who I thought was taking a dust bath, but she was yelling her head off. I ignored her for a while, but eventually she was so persistent that I decided to inspect her. She had a snarl of hair, threads, and other fibrous materials wrapped tightly around one leg, which seemed to be the reason she was almost immobilized. I picked her up and unraveled it, but it seemed like it had been that way for a long time, and the leg was definitely not doing well. Fuck. Now I know the bird is injured and I am responsible for this information.

I remembered the water bottle the nurse gave me and poured some out for the bird, who drank. Then I emptied out my prescription bags, made a little nest to put her in, and set it on the bench next to me. I didn't realize that she was probably a fledgling because I thought she was pretty big, but then she started making some Feed Me gestures. I collected a couple of Cheerios from a baby sitting on the other end of the bench and tried to feed the bird, but I wasn't doing a good job. I put the last intact Cheerio down next to me and started calling 311, and animal control, and finally the Wild Bird Fund. While I was sitting there, a male sparrow came and started feeding her, inches from me. He gave her a big beakful of seeds and then he stuffed the Cheerio down her gullet for good measure. I was astounded. I mean birds in a city park are pretty bold since people feed them, but I just couldn't believe this scene was happening so close to me. It was heartbreaking.

Actually, I had witnessed the very last time that that sparrow would ever be fed by her parents. This thought has been haunting me since yesterday and might do forever.

Time passed and I still wasn't sure what was the best thing to do, and I started to panic. The thought of taking the bird away from her family, who were right there, was awful, but I was pretty sure her leg was too messed up to leave her there. There were lots of dogs passing through, and there are always rats. I decided we had to go to the Wild Bird Fund on 86th street, about 45 minutes away. While I was on the train I started to get replies to my tweets (ahem) @ the WBF, and texts from a volunteer who got my voicemail. Both of them seemed very concerned that I had overestimated the injury and interfered with normal fledgling behavior. I was completely terrified for the entire journey that we would get there only to find out that I had done something really bad.

When I was about 19 and home from college on break, my stepmother rescued a very young sparrow from our backyard. We took care of her for several weeks (a couple of months? idk). We did a bad job. A friend of my stepmother who supposedly rehabilitated wild birds told me to feed her all kinds of seeds and nuts, which I did, and one day I came home to find that the bird was coughing up blood. I looked up the number of an actual wildlife organization and described the situation to a volunteer who absolutely wanted to kill me. They explained that the bird was far too young for what I was feeding her and that I should switch to wet cat food, even though she probably wouldn't live. Actually, she did live, and we treated her like a pet for a while--although I had intense ERASERHEAD-like nightmares about her getting sick and turning inside out and suffering because of my poor husbandry. Looking back, I'm sure the bird didn't get enough attention, enough warmth, enough constant feeding, even though she did appear to get stronger and more confident. One day while I was out my stepmother took her to a vet, who naturally confiscated her and told my stepmother to get the fuck out, and that was it. A godsend for the bird. I've been feeling bad about it for like 20 years.

That experience is why I knew how to pick up a bird, which is not hard at all if you are gentle. The thing about a bird is that in order to maintain their equilibrium, they have to grasp whatever they're holding, unlike a cat or a dog or a baby that will just flop in your arms. Even a bird who does not want to be grabbed will perch on your fingers while it tries to assess what's happening. I remembered this recently when my husband and I were strolling to our favorite neighborhood, and we passed a construction site where a bird was desperately trying to get through the door in the wooden barriers. I picked that bird up and ushered it to a gap under one of the barriers, and it happily scooted to where it wanted to be, where we could hear other birds cheering it on. My husband and I had just started looking for a new apartment, and I said maybe this is a good omen, maybe if we got that bird back to its nest then we'll find our new nest. This is exactly what happened.

Because of the omen, and also because of the college bird rescue, I felt incapable of leaving the sparrow in the park. Her leg was dragging, the foot didn't seem to work well if at all, and I think her wounds were weeping. Still, for the entire train ride, I was deeply worried that we would get to the Wild Bird Fund only to find out I had made everything worse. I felt bad enough about just subjecting her to the subway. But, we got there, and a volunteer came out to meet us on the sidewalk. She didn't make it at all ambiguous, I was right to bring in the bird. As I filled out the intake form, the woman looked over my shoulder and said "What is that?!" (Always fun to hear when someone is looking over your shoulder) I turned around and saw two people with a starling in a neat black bird cage; it had an extremely long beak that almost reminded me of the proboscis of a moth. Then the actual vet came out and he also said "What is that?!" It seemed to be an old family pet that the people had inherited from another relative, and from the way they talked to and about it, I assume it was coming in for a checkup, not to be surrendered. I tried to look up long-beaked starlings and learned that their beaks can grow like that if they get a bad break, then the tissue can regenerate excessively. It made sense to me that if someone had rescued that starling with a broken beak a long time ago, then that's how it would look today.

Anyway. I was profoundly relieved that I didn't totally fuck up the sparrow's life for no reason, but my body was racked with tension from the last week of personal drama and housing drama and medical drama that had seemingly climaxed with the bird drama. I needed someone to stick a needle into me, in whatever spot would cause my stupid vagus nerve to release all the emotional toxins it was carrying. A friend commented that if something good happened the last time I helped a bird, maybe something good will happen this time. I like that idea, although I was also thinking about the religious idea that an opportunity to do good is a blessing in and of itself. I believe that, and I believe that it's a good idea to meditate on that, to orient your attitude on it: I got the chance to make a difference and that's pretty exciting in and of itself. But, you know. I wouldn't hate it if I found a new job pretty soon, either.

[99liv3s]

Hope I'm not flooding your ask box, but this is too much fun!

Name: Belle Age: 22 Hair: Curly blonde Eyes: Green Body: Slender, 5'4" 110 lbs, freckles Personality: Naive, sweet, rural farm girl. Went into the clinic with bloating and bad stomach cramps. Is scared of the hospital and doctors, but learns to trust them. Especially when she learns she is a mother.

The word "clinic" was the only thing Belle had read on the sign as she drove up, not noticing or caring what kind it was. Clutching her bloated belly as her stomach cramps got worse, Belle moaned as her curly blonde hair fell into her face. This cramp was lasting much longer than the others, and hurt worse. As the pain finally subsided, she steeled herself and made her way toward the clinic, pushing aside her fears and misgivings of hospitals and doctors.

A few minutes later, the sweet, green-eyed, freckled farm girl was wheeled into a private room, still clutching her bloated belly, where a fresh wave of cramps had taken hold. "Ok, we'll get you going in a few moments," the nurse said to Belle as she was helped onto the bed. "How far along are you?" The young nurse asked, looking over Belle carefully. "What are you talking about?" Belle responded, eyeing the nurse with confusion. "With your pregnancy?" The nurse said, still examining the young patient. "I'm not pregnant," Belle exclaimed, as if the nurse had suggested she had grown a second nose. The nurse turned as a doctor entered the room, and recounted Belle's vitals to him, as Belle shifted, her mind slowly putting two and two together. "I'm pregnant?" She asked the room, in pleading disbelief. The two staff looked at her. "Very," the nurse answered.

As Belle had changed from her usual farming attire to a loose hospital gown, she was thinking silently to herself, trying to figure out how she had gotten pregnant. Belle was a bit naive, and upon learning she was pregnant, her first thought was, "Did I catch this from something on the farm?" The rest of her brain catching up, Belle remembered that day after the county fair, when that cute boy that had helped her set up her farm booth, had helped her carry her stuff home at the end of the day. A bit of flirting had occurred, and eventually, the two of them had spent the night naked in the haystack, their bodies wrapped around each other. Belle had never seen that boy again afterward, and she had never considered that she might have gotten pregnant after that day, for the weight she gained was minimal, and since she had been gaining weight anyway beforehand, she brushed it off. She had not noticed any morning sickness, felt no kicks, noticed any major body changes, cravings, or sensations. Perhaps, with her life so busy on the farm these past months, she had not noticed these things. Only now, when the fact she was carrying a baby hit her full force, did she start to consider what was going to happen next.

Belle lay spread out on the bed, her legs tied in stirrups and stretched wide, and her hands clutching two handholds on either side of the bed, panting heavily. The cramps had definitely increased in intensity and had turned into a painful pressure, feeling as if she needed to poop badly. Twice, she had begged the nurse to let her use the bathroom, but the nurse had shaken her head and said soothingly, "No dear, that's the baby you're feeling, getting ready to be born!" Belle groaned loudly, feeling as though a huge weight was about to drop out of her. A few minutes later, the urge to poop turned into an insanely painful urge to push, and Belle began crying. "Let me out," she pleaded, trying to shake her legs free. "I gotta go... I gotta get it out," "It's the baby," the nurse reassured her. "It's putting pressure on your cervix!" "That feeling you're having is normal!" As the doctor came in, Belle cried out, "PLEASE LET ME PUSH!" The doctor made a quick check between Belle's shaking legs, ignoring her moans, and then said, "Yes, it's time, give me a good firm but gentle push!"

Belle had pushed for half an hour, the pressure and pain worsening as this baby slowly worked its way out. Belle grunted, groaned, and cried as she pushed, and finally collapsed onto the pillows as the contractions ceased for a bit, trying to catch her breath. "Ohh, this is...hard..." Belle exclaimed, as the doctor looked between her legs. "I see it," he said to the young farm girl. "It's getting close to coming out, just a few more little pushes will do it." "You'll be happy to hear this little one has a full head of black hair!" Belle shook her head, eyes closed in pain. She did not care what this baby looked like, she just wanted it out of her right now! The nurse wiped sweat off Belle's forehead as the next contraction started up. Belle wanted to run away, and leave this pain and pressure behind, but of course, she could not. "Please help me, It huuurrts!" Belle begged, as she felt the head begin its emergence. The head stretched her vagina open slowly, and the burning sensation was so awful, Belle thought she was going to die. "OH, OH GOD HEEELLPP! AAAHHHHH!!" She screamed, as the head crowned. "Just like that, a few more pushes," the doctor coached, but was not sure he could be heard over Belle's screams of agony. "GET IT OUT PLEEEEAASSEEE OOOHHH GET IT OUT!" She screeched, thrashing in pain, internally hoping she would pass out and perish, just to get rid of the pain. "Honey, you've got to push the baby out," the nurse shouted over Belle's noises. The head was at full crown now, hanging out of Belle's vagina like a melon. Belle bore down, feeling like she was taking the biggest crap of her life, and with a pop, the head jerked out of her, along with a gush of fluids. The doctor pulled, and the rest of the baby easily slid out. Belle's cries were replaced by that of her newborn baby's as she collapsed onto the bed, panting in relief and exhaustion. "It's a healthy baby boy," the doctor announced, as he cut the umbilical cord and handed the baby to Belle. "What do I do now?" She asked as she took the baby and held it awkwardly. "Well, you're a mother now," the doctor said. "Your life is forever changed!"

(Your character rolled a 7 = single baby birth)

[boyswanna-be-her]

Let me preface this by saying that I'm recounting all of this kind of mundane shit about BFR for myself because guaranteed I'm going to be trying to understand/recap this narrative while im lonely in colorado. And honestly I know it's gonna be easy for me to forget details and second-guess shit that feels so obvious to me in the moment. So if you don't want a blow by blow of this absolutely PG romantic relationship, just skip this one for now.

Today was really nice and the first day in a little while where I haven't had anything pressing to do. It was pouring at the clinic today--has been all week. Yesterday I sat in my front seat w BFR and we smoked a joint together and made fun of the one wet protester until the rain passed. Great morning.

We had lunch together at one of my favorite taco spots in my old neighborhood, and then we had to walk back to the thai place where we ate dinner the night before bc they'd left their sunglasses behind. We went to a coffee shop for a while where they patiently waited for me to be done with a working meeting on my laptop. Then we took a walk in the park in between rain. It was just seamless, idk. There's no question that we'll go do the next thing together. When the rain wouldn't let up at the park, I suggested we go to one of my fave places in the city, and I drove us to a giant used bookstore that was a few miles away.

I didn't realize until we got there that they'd never been before!! I try to take everyone I can there if they're from out of town, and it is ABSOLUTELY my favorite place to both take a new date and have a special date with an established partner. I don't feel guilty about taking basically everyone I've ever dated there--a good date is a good date. There's a lot of built-in conversation to be had and it's easier than a bar and free to wander around. We accidentally killed an enormous amount of time there, and we shot the shit about 20th century history which is my jam, so amazing to talk abt it w someone who can hang, READS, and doesn't have anything to prove in terms of static knowledge recall.

We hung out for a little while but they had yoga and I wanted to head home so we split up after that and it felt... weird? Like it always feels like there's this last step we are missing to our goodbyes. They forced a hug one time when we were saying goodbye from the clinic, but it was really early on and RIGHT when I was coming to terms with being attracted to them (like second time seeing them after having the realization) which means I was in ultra robot mode, and also assumed it was one-sided and they were just trying to be nice. Like I literally think I did a one arm side hug and they were so dejected they never tried again. Now we're weeks later and it feels weird that we're not kissing goodnight or something.

But I had the evening to myself and finally broke down and talked to someone from my real life about them. He was very affirming that I'm not insane, and just recapping the timeline to someone made it make more sense in my mind. I didn't even have to present half of my evidence for my friend to say yeah, that's going in A Direction. I just second guess it all for a variety of reasons, but for example when I screenshotted a text and sent it as evidence that I feel like they text me like a coworker sometimes, my friend pointed out that nobody in the history of neutral coworkers has ever crafted such a long and careful text. Which. Touche.

This morning we were back out at the clinic bright and early. My friend was supposed to join us but she couldn't at the last minute. Instead she dropped into the chat and asked if someone could fill in for her. If I didn't feel like we were already attracting attention (spoiler: we are), i would've REALLY preferred to jump in and say "noooo worries, no third wheel needed please." But we are getting a little visible. So I didn't. And BFR's friend jumped in to take my friend's place volunteering with us.

I ended up being really happy the friend was there though! The two of us are more like a couple when there IS a third person there, although the vibe can be a lot to navigate sometimes and I often have to shut down and take some time to myself. It wasn't unwelcome to have him there though. It makes the vibe between me & bfr more apparent, pronounced, whatever. We already have such a shorthand in common which 😍 wrow, communication fluency.

I invited his friend to lunch with us, and he accepted, and it was fun--I took them to my favorite Greek place which is legit like three blocks from the clinic.

Friend went on his way, the two of us moved to the next location: their favorite spot to work. I also love this location bc you can watch the afternoon rain and vape furiously on the porch without getting wet. Like I said, today was the first day in a while where neither of us had much to do in the way of work. They have been threatening to inflict their favorite board game on me for a while now, and it finally happened today. I am notoriously uninterested in board games (more like bored games amiright) but the combo of my biggest fan being excited to teach/compliment me on how AMAZING i am at it (rofl lying but ok) and the inherent fun of the game meant that I, uh, had a lot of fun, unfortunately.

We did two REALLY close rounds, and in the second game they almost fully missed a work call they had at 7:00 (I remembered bc i am insane but I also didn't mention it until 6:50 bc I thought maybe they were goofing on me and pretending like they'd lost track of time). Turns out they had been planning on muting and barely looking at the meeting anyway bc they didn't wanna stop playing--which is flattering but I'm also like "[Redacted], i already very much want the best for you, INCLUDING not becoming completely codependent and risking your living bc im so charming and fun" so there was a lot of me pausing the play and asking about the meeting.

By the time that was over, we were already butting up against the time we were supposed to meet their friends to lift tonight. We hadn't eaten dinner but they offered to feed me at their place which was perfect. We went straight back and holy shit their homemade leftovers were delicious.

Their friends came on time to lift and the first thing out of the mouth of the one who knows me better was "you and [redacted] have really been spending a lot of time together huh?" The two of us made eye contact and kinda laughed and BFR said "yep" and both made the 😬 face and the friend wouldn't let it go and repeated "you guys spend all day together now..." and my 😬 face couldn't get any more intense and he said "all day... today..." i said "yep we're pretty codependent." (I'd made the same not-joke yesterday when I was very truly pointing out that I don't remember what to do with my alone time anymore, and they not-jokingly replied "yeah we've ruined each other." Which like. At least we're aware.) Only later did I realize that BFR mustve been talking to the friend about it bc I definitely wasn't and there was no public talk about it in our shared discord so 👀 bitch i see u chatting in private abt me.

Lifting was incredible as always. Their friends who are a decade younger than us and sometimes join us, sometimes don't, really crack me up and I have such a good rapport with one of the guys that I think I lift better with him around (the one who was giving us a hard time tonight). He dishes out the abuse I give him while lifting, which I love. Between him and bfr, I feel like a fucking all-star lifter in that little garage gym. They talk positively about my form when they don't even realize I can hear them. Even so, BFR will not hesitate to call me out when a lift looks bad or I need a cue.

So yeah. It's nice. Hanging out at their place, being fed, getting let in on a LOT more inner details than I got in the first months of knowing them. That's all lovely. I always try to text them and let them know when I've had a lot of fun with them, and that's just basically turned into a nightly check-in. On Sunday, I got a very coworkery (imo) message from them about enjoying our time together, thanking me for my "wonderful company," thanking me for spending so much time together, thanking me for attending so many events with them, and saying that they are "definitely down to keep hanging out in the future." At the time I felt like "that's a weirdly formal way to put all this" but getting home to tonight's much more neurotic message made it make more sense (along w the feedback from a trusted friend who makes good points). Like it was a careful message because they are being exceedingly careful with me. They know some of my more obvious damage (all the psychic sucking chest wounds are hard to ignore after a few weeks of learning about me, and i've been going out of my way to be quite "warts and all" with them). They value our time together A LOT. And the more that I understand our similarities, the more I know that they're also likely really fucking scared to endanger the chemistry of this friendship by introducing ANY other dynamic.

Im finally getting to the end here. Tumblr will probably eat this entry. I'm posting it before a full edit--RIP anyone parsing this.

But the message that I came home to tonight was FINALLY a little more vulnerable, and essentially said that if I want to spend LESS time with them, I'm going to have to tell them that straight up, and that that'll be ok, but if so they need to lnow because this is the amount of time they want to spend with me (all of it), and they don't anticipate that changing.

So! Guess I'll puke and die now! Literally spent five minutes last night considering how I could smuggle them to Colorado with me. Also I haven't had anywhere to put this but since this is an all-bfr all the time blog now, we are going to go on a trip together to chicago in August! There's an actual reason to go other than lovefest vacation (pretty much a work trip for them that I've been asked to tag along for) but as we are actually finalizing the trip plans, it definitely feels more than a little bit like we are going on a lovefest vacation. Which is all the more reason why it would be great to not be hella conspicuous (even though it's a little fun being hella conspicuous).

Like I didn't need another human to come validate my existence, but I *did* need to meet someone who could threaten the idea that I'm ready to die alone. It's nice. It's all nice!! I'm definitely not crying and throwing up!!!

[stupidthoughtsinwriting]

Back Home (Adam Lawrence)

Summary: In the middle of everything, after all these years, you come back to your family when they need you the most

Warnings: Angst, Fire, Cursing, look i really have no idea what to put in these eheheh

Note: This was promised when the show came out, nearly 5 months ago so sorry for the long delay eheheh. This was originally gonna be a oneshot but thoughts kept coming and i got stuck at the end of this so im leaving the next part for the next part. this might have two more parts so this is one of three in total.

‘Ella darling, wake up’ you whispered in your daughter’s ear, kissing her temple as you shook her lightly.

‘Hmn?’ she groaned, shaking you off. ‘five more minutes mummy’ she grumbled before turning to hide her face back on her pillow. You chuckled at her reluctance, looking to the door and across the hall to where Adam was carrying Callum, sound asleep in his father hold.

The kids had spent all of the day before playing and running around the park when you and Adam took them to Winter Wonderland, and due to the heavy traffic, you came home late, so it’s come to no surprise that they were still exhausted.

A knowing grin flashed your lips as you made eye contact with your husband before turning back to your daughter.

‘But darling, It’s Christmas’

‘Christmas?’ she asked, a bit more alert but still barely conscious.

‘Yes darling, Christmas’ you smirked

‘Mnn, Christmas’ she murmured as she finally started stir.

‘Come on up love, dad’s making cocoa’ you bargained, rubbing a hand on her arm to help her finally leave the gentle comfort of sleep.

‘Cocoa’ she repeated, rubbing her eyes as you helped her sit up. Another chuckle left your lips as you took a good firm hold of her.

‘Yes Cocoa, dad’s making us some Cocoa. Come on up love’ you instructed, lifting her up from the bed and she instinctively knew to wrap herself around you like a koala. She laid her head on your shoulder and you placed another kiss on her temple as you carried her out her room and to the kitchen where you found Adam making the promised cocoa, Callum sat on the bench, laying his head on the counter. You looked at Adam who just shrugged and continued on with his task.

This was five years ago. The last good memory you had of your family before all went to shit.

You remember that day clear as day. How Adam made the hot chocolate for everybody and the kids were more awake after a cup. How you all stayed cuddled up on the couch for a bit before they all but attacked the presents. The feel of Adam’s hold on you and the soft press of his lips… you missed him, them. You missed your family so much.

Five years it’s been since you’ve seen them, but it was for their safety.

You and Adam both worked as agents in MI6. FIve years ago, you were given a case that eventually involved the Russians but at the time, it seemed so simple. Long story short, the case drove you everywhere until you got a lead about a bombing in a building found in the city.

It was an all-hands-on deck situation, so Adam partnered up with you as you went to the building. The building was evacuated but it was a children’s clinic, you and Adam went back to double check for others and found a pair of siblings hiding in a closet. A fire started out of nowhere and you urged Adam to take the kids out as you looked for more. The siblings needed medical attention and you couldn’t have gotten them out as quickly as he did. You fought him on this but in the end, you won (like always) and he took the children out as you looked for others.

The fire reached a storage room that contained oxygen tanks and as soon as you found how close it was, you rushed to get out. The comm in your ear screamed as a mix of people talked but the one that stood out was Adams, frantic as soon as he heard you swear and mention how close the fire was to the tanks. He said something about going back in the building to get you and you screamed NO before a piece of debris hit your head and everything went black.

Now you were driving down to Surrey after you got a call from Kara that Adam was in trouble. In the five years you’ve been away from your family, you’ve been trying to solve the very same case that took you away from them. It’s taken you all around the continent but here you were driving back to your family, putting everything on hold and risking undoing the work you’ve done the last 4 years because your family was in danger.

The fear and panic that overtook you when you got the call was… Terrifying. The cup of coffee you had just bought, fell and was forgotten as you ran to your car, driving like a maniac to your old home only to find it ransacked. You went through each room, but the house was empty, so you called Kara.

‘WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY’ you demanded.

‘I don’t know’ she responded.

‘What do you mean you don’t know, you promised to keep my family safe! How the hell are you fucking doing that if you don’t know where the bloody hell they are’

‘Look, I know what I promised okay, so don’t take that tone with me. The last I’ve heard is that they were last spotted on the A24 heading south, other than that, I don’t…’

You hung up as you heard where they were headed and now, you’re driving down to your parents’ lodge in Hopewood. You and Adam used it as a getaway during tough days and not many know it so it was the safest place they could be at the moment.

Reality dawned on you that you were finally going to see your family. Your darling girl Ella and sweet little Callum. Your babies. And Adam. Your beloved husband Adam. God how were you going to explain all of this to him. However, your main concern was their safety so however they react, whether they want you back…. or not, you would protect them no matter what.

Pulling up at the familiar driveway of the lodge, you turned the car off and took a deep breath before you stepped out.

‘Dad are we safe?’ Ella asked, coming from the rooms, taking Adam’s attention from the news on the laptop to his daughter. He sighed, taking a deep breath before urging her to sit on the couch beside him.

‘Come here, love’ he asked of her, pulling her closer to his side.

‘I don’t want you to worry, okay. I will always protect you and Callum. Always. Alright?’ he insisted, looking at the eyes that were always the same as yours. She gave a faint nod with a small smile and Adam pulled her in for a hug.

‘I love you’ he said as he placed a kiss on the top of her head and laid his. She hugged him back and her eyes landed on the headline on the screen.

‘What’s a mercy killing?’ she asked, causing Adam to pull away.

‘A what?’ he looked at the new headline on screen before they heard a car drawing up, their attention drawing to the door.

‘Who is it?’ Ella asks as she turned back to look at her father.

‘Don’t know’ Adam replies as he stands up to look. ‘You and your brother stay here’ he instructed just as Callum runs past him. ‘No Callum, wait, wait’ he exclaimed but ever so curious, he ignored his father and ran to the door.

He threw it open only to stay frozen in his spot when he sees the person walking the path. Adam and Ella, who were close behind, caught up with Callum and looked out the door.

Adam stilled when he finally saw the figure approaching. Emotions running wild only to be quickly brought back to reality when Ella sped past him and towards you.

‘Mum!’ she cried, running to you as tears quickly welled up.

‘Ella no!’ he tried reaching for her but missed.

You dropped everything you held when you saw your little girl rushing to you, only managing to open your arms before she crashed on you.

‘Mummy’ she sobbed as arms wrapped one another, hers both tightly around your waist and yours cradling her head as the other wrapped around her back. She had grown so much; your little girl is not so little anymore.

‘Shh, it’s alright darling, it’s me. I’m so sorry’ you managed to say as tears ran your cheeks. The sound of your voice caused her grip to tighten, and you would have reciprocated had you not been interrupted.

‘ELLA COME BACK HERE NOW’ Adam shouted, commanding his daughter back as confusion clouded his mind. He didn’t know what was happening. He thought you dead. For five years you’ve been dead so how were you here?

You looked up to find Adam only a few feet away, his expression a cocktail of so many emotions fighting to understand the situation at hand. Worry was his foremost expression at the moment, so you tugged on Ella who only sobbed harder. It broke your heart, but you had to before something drastic happened, so you pulled her off you.

‘NO mum please’ she begged, her arms tightening like a vice around your waist as she cried harder, fear of losing you again frightening the child to death.

‘Shh, it’s okay, listen to me darling. Listen to me’ you pulled back and tilted her head up a bit, so she looked you in the eyes. Those glistening eyes stared up at you and your heart only chipped away as you saw the distress in your poor child.

‘Listen to me okay’ you looked at her as she hesitantly nodded. ‘Do as your father says. Take Callum and go back inside. I promise I’m not going anywhere’ you explained, hoping the bit of assurance would convince her to follow. Fingers wiped the fallen tears on the girls face and your thumb stayed to caress her flush cheeks.

‘Promise?’ she questioned, feeling like a little girl again. A small smile shaped your lips before they pressed a kiss on her forehead while you untangled her arms around your waist and placed another on her fingers.

‘I promise luv’ you reply, pulling her for another quick hug ‘I love you’ you whispered in her ear before releasing her. She looked at you one last time before she turned back to Adam. Callum who stood behind his father, looked at you before you watch Ella urge him back inside.

A hand quickly wiped your soaked cheeks before moving to cover your mouth, hoping to muffle the sob that escaped you lips without consent after finally seeing you family again.

‘Who are you?!’ Adam yelled after making sure the children were safely inside. It was enough to pull you out of your own thoughts to finally focus on the man in front of you.

‘Adam…’ you sniffed, slowly starting to move closer to him.

‘NO. Stay where you are. WHO ARE YOU?’ he roared out in anger and anguish. The situation at hand was already complicated but “you” adding to the mix is making him completely lose his head. He can’t figure out what is happening. You were dead. Five years ago, that building collapsed in on you. There were no survivors, so how the hell were you there.

The past five years have been painful without you. To raise your children as a single father has been difficult. The explanation he had to give them of your passing was heart breaking, seeing the looks on their faces. The years he’s mourned you. To watch that building collapse after the explosion, knowing you were inside made him go mental. He lost a part of himself that day. All that pain it had cost him, all the pain he felt was returning as he as he stood watching an imposter mimicked you.

It just wouldn’t comprehend to him. He couldn’t believe it. He’s in denial of the concept of you there, living and breathing. He has wished so many times for you to be alive and to come back but never did he ever think it would come true. Now here he was, finally having his wish yet in denial of it.

‘Adam, its me.’ You pleaded, begging him to believe you. You knew of the pains you’ve caused to your family, and you’ve imagined your return so many times during the years, but this was not one of them. Never did you think that your husband would be so deep in denial like this.

‘No’ he hissed ‘No because my wife is dead. She died five years ago when that building collapsed. There were no survivors. I watched that building crumble while knowing she was in there. She is dead.’ He said, his voice wavering as tears welled up in his eyes. His throat was constricting yet he still managed to say furiously, ‘So who the fuck are you?’  

Your presence pained him as memories and everything you came flooding back to him. So many emotions fought to co-exist, all of this was overwhelming.

It pains you to see the man you love, the man you married, the father of your children, deny your existence but what broke your heart was to see him so pained and crumbling slowly. Tears continued to run your cheeks as you took a careful step forward.

‘Adam, darling’ you closed your eyes, taking a deep breath before you opened them again and looked him in those hazel eyes, the very same that you used to love to wake up to in the morning ‘I promise you’ you croaked taking another step forward, ‘It’s me.’ Another step, the distance that separated you drawing smaller with each step you took.

‘No’ he denied again, taking in your form, looking over every new detail he sees before it proves to be too much and he shakes his head and looks down, letting his tears run.

You close the remaining gap quickly, a sob escaping your lips once you finally stood in front of him. You raised your hand and hovered it on his cheek, hesitating making contact after years without it but when you heard the cry that left him, all second thoughts were cast away. You placed your palms on his cheeks and tilted his head up to look at you.

Your heart softened when he leaned in the warmth of your palm. Tears continued to run both your cheeks and you couldn’t bear to see that pained look on his face.

‘Adam’ you let out a whisper, making his eyes open and look you in yours ‘it’s me’ you pleaded him to believe you because you missed your husband so much. ‘I’m so sorry Adam’ you cried, dropping your head, letting your hands fall and covering your mouth with one while the other wrapped around yourself as some sort of last semblance of composure.

You desperately tried to hold back the sob that threatened to leave your lips, but it was helpless to even try, your mouth moving in its own accord.

The feel of you clouded his every senses. The whisper of his name, the scent of you, to the feel of the warmth your soft hands always held, it was slowly -but in also a rapid way- finally coming to him, the belief that you were truly there.

He opened his eyes and nearly all doubt left him when he saw the same identical eyes, he saw every day in Ella. Tear filled eyes stared back at him, tears he vowed to make sure never to glitter your beautiful face. He thought the plead in your voice was what broke him but really it was cry that left your lips and having to feel your hold slip away again. Fear overtook him when any and all rational thought led to loosing you again. It crippled his heart when he saw how you started to crumble and hide yourself, muffling the noises you made and the arm around your waist as you tried to hold yourself together.

Instincts he thought were long gone, kicked back into action as everything in him was against seeing you hurt. His body moved without hesitation, and he wrapped his arms around your crumbling form just in time as your knees were about to buckle.

He pressed your head to his shoulder, your arms folded in the middle as held you comfortingly, memories of the past -similar to this- flashing before his eyes. From when you got too frustrated with a case or the time you lost a pregnancy, he held you each time, just as he promised in his vows.

You started to cry harder when Adam finally pulled you in, the feel of him holding you, bringing you the comfort you have missed the last five years.

You completely enveloped everything around him, it was suffocating. Enough that the last of his doubt started to dissipate but he just needed one more thing to confirm it all.

‘y/n?’ he bleated as tears continued to run his cheeks. All you could do was nod your head against his shoulder, though you started to unfurl your arms and wrap them around his waist as hope begun to bloom inside you.

‘And you know’ he whispered against your ear, like he’s done millions of times before.

‘You know I love you so’ you whispered back unconsciously just as you have done before, and a small smile crept your lips as you realized what you said.

Adam let out a breath before he buried himself in the crook of your neck. Doubts relieved and he finally came to grip the concept of you being there.

Your hands hooked to his shoulders as he was now the one that’s crying in your hold. Your own troubles, forgotten as you finally held your beloved in a moment of complete vulnerability. He believed you. That was all you wanted.

‘Adam I’m so sorry darling, I’m so so sorry’ you cried. He cried. He shook his head in protest but never said a word until either of you calmed down. He pulled away enough to look at you, pushing away the few stray strands of hair that covered and stuck to your face, wiping your damp cheeks and cradled your head in his hands.

It really was you.

‘j-just’ he stuttered, stopping himself for a breath ‘just… why?’ he asked.

‘Adam, I promise you. I will explain everything, now just isn’t the time’ you said, moving your hands to cradle his face. ‘But what the hell is happening?’

[pbandjesse]

I felt kind of down today. It wasn't a bad day! It was full of beautiful moments. But I felt down inside. I tried very hard to fight against it but it was tough. I'm just a little to hot and a little to tired. But I enjoyed being with my James. And it was a beautiful day, even if it was just a little but to warm.

I had some pretty serious and intense dreams. I woke up and had to wake James up to make sure they were okay. They seemed really concerned about how upset I was. But I was able to go back to sleep and have more intense dreams. So it wasn't the most restful sleep.

When I woke up for real I was so hot. We will have to figure out an ac unit soon for our bedroom. But it's not a huge deal. I will survive, even if I'm just a little uncomfy.

James would come up and see what I wanted to have for breakfast. I decided on a grilled peanut butter and jelly. And got dressed and loved how my hair dried. I washed it last night and let it air dry and while I have heard recently it can be bad to do that I actually think I'm going to go back to it because I was just so please today. I felt really pretty.

We would hang out in the living room. James made an appointment for our polio vaccines and said we could walk to the CVS at 1030. So that is just what we did. I struggled with shoe choices. I have raw spots from my docs so I thought I would wear my tevas but they also hit my sore spots so I tried socks and wanted to die from being to warm so I switched to some old flip flops and I would end up hating them by the time we got to the cvs. It isn't like I need new shoes but I do need to finally replace my flip flops from highschool that finally fell apart last year. I'll have to figure that out soon. Maybe tomorrow after work I'll go search.

We got over to the CVS. James was being really cute. And was really excited about the weather and how beautiful it was. I was a little to hot and was realizing how I should have worn sun screen. But I was having a nice time with James.

We got to the CVS and they were like. You don't have an appointment? Because it turns out we were at the wrong CVS. Oops. So we had to quickly walk home and drive to harbor east. Which would make us a few minutes late. I was pretty stressed. James would stay behind to pay for parking so I could go over the next block to get there. But then I didn't know where to go. It wasn't the pharmacy even though the sign said that was where vaccines were. It was actually the minute clinic. And then I didn't know what my confirmation number was and was a little frazzled.

James would come and we sorted it out. And the woman who worked there, who I Believe is a nurse?, was just so lovely. She told me I was totally fine and to not worry about being late. Which did make me feel better. But I was also a little stressed about the whole thing.

She wasn't sure if insurance was going to cover this but it actually did so that was good. And she was very good and it didn't hurt much. It hurts a little now but only like a small bruise. I asked if me and James would get medicine from the same vial and she said yes and I was like. Oh that's very romantic. And she thought it was very funny that me and James go to so many appointments together. She said her and her husband have never done that in 10 years together. Which I thought was pretty interesting. But maybe when you work in the medical field it's a different feeling.

James's appointment wasn't for an hour but she let James come early so we didn't have to wait. James got a COVID vaccine too but I had one recently so I didn't need it. James was very brave and got one in each arm.

While James was waiting their 15 minutes after their shots I went to get the dish soap we needed. It was locked up so I had to call for staff and the girl that came to do it was super complimentary about my tattoos and kept saying how cool I was. Which made me feel very cool.

We paid and left and James took me home to change my shoes. We got a water bottle and we headed to the park to enjoy the day. I was a little miserable. I changed into better shoes but I was still not feeling the best. And being to hot didn't help but it was beautiful out.

We walked around. We were going to go find the swings but they had that area all roped off for construction. Ah well. We sat on a bench and enjoyed watching people with their babies. And watching the inch worm try to climb on James's arm hair. It was very silly.

I decided I would like falafel for lunch. James found a Yemeni place! I didn't know that they would have falafel but it was good! I liked the size of it. I would have preferred it with a dipping sauce but I really enjoyed the half I had. We saved the other half for lunch tomorrow. The best part of the experience was that they brought us a sauce and a salad and a soup we didn't even order and it was good! I was having a great time.

We walked to the thrift store next. And I was so excited to find this little house. I swear I had a mini version of this same house that I used to play with so much that it fell apart. I was trying very hard to find the joyful moments today, so this find was really good. And if was only $5.

We would go get ice cream next. And that was fun. We decided to cool off in their AC and I am glad we did. James got red velvet and I got the dirty grasshopper again and I tried the cannoli flavor. It was fun and I was feeling a little more positive. Even if I was tired still.

We tried to walk in the shade on the way home as much as possible. We talked and laughed and it was just really nice being together. Even if I was still just a little sad.

When we got home I would hang out on the couch for a bit. James put the screen door in and that was nice. But I was pretty sun tired. So I would go lay down upstairs. I felt bad because we were going to work on wall paper today but I just really didn't have it in me.

James would set up a fan for me and I got changed and I fell asleep pretty quickly. I woke up very hot but I was able to keep sleeping.

I woke up at 630. And I was not having a great time. James brought me water and I laid and sipped. My stomach hurts but I was alright.

James would go record their podcast and I hung out on the couch. And eventually James was done podcast and they came and made us a late dinner.

I decided I wanted spaghetti but I wanted the pasta to be dry, no pasta water left. And James thought that was weird but it was exactly what I wanted. They even baked some mozzarella for the top. I was so happy.

And now we are just hanging out. I am so tired. But it is almost bed time.

Tomorrow I think I have two different field trips at camp. But that's alright. It should be a very good day. Not as hot, but still beautiful. And lots of shade.

I hope you all have a good night tonight. And take care of yourself tomorrow. I love you all. Goodnight!!