#so i wouldve gone down had i not healed myself

[orcelito]

Another highlight from dnd last night

Tfw ur at 14 hp and get hit for 5 damage. And u try to update ur hp to 9, but accidentally just make ur hp 194. Whoops! Let me just take that back down- WHOOPS! I "lost" 185 hp, so the blood mechanic thinks I took a MASSIVE amount of damage. Whoops! I have bled all over the map.

[dear-diary-mood-apathetic]

brb im fucking bawling

life story/rambling under cut

I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting lately. A lot of revisiting things Id have been much happier to leave in the past.

I always hated hearing how one day it would get better. Because I knew that it wouldnt be that easy. I knew I wouldnt just wake up one day and feel fine. And I think more than anything, I was scared that being okay meant losing the most integral part of my child/teen self: my rage.

I was an emotional kid growing up. I'd cry at everything and anything and all I ever wanted was for everyone to be happy. It was a burden I undertook personally at far too young of an age. Be it the eggshells I took my first steps on or the guilt I'd never let go of simply for the inconvenience of being born a baby. I saw things a child shouldnt have to see and handled emotions and situations far too grown up for a second grader. When I started to understand this, thats when I started to get angry.

I knew that the way I was treated wasnt okay, and by the time I would turn ten I'd gotten violent. I escaped into the comfort of horror media and would often find myself locked away in my dark bedroom on my phone for hours at a time scouring the corners of the internet for the next disturbing thing I could find. But I was just a kid. And that would send me down a multi-year psychotic episode that left me feeling isolated and terrified. And even more angry. I started getting into fights whenever the opportunity arose outside of the house. I wasnt even in middle school yet, but I was filled with blind, white hot rage already.

Once I made it to middle school though, some of the anger had festered into a chronic depression that felt like emotional rot. I developed a lot of awful habits and worsened a few Id picked up prior. I hurt a lot of people in my spiral downward and I still regret many of those things to this day. I was hurting and determined to make other people hurt too. But it only felt fair to me at the time; if I have to go home to my dads cruelty every single day, what did it matter who I hurt? They were supposed to feel bad for me.

It wouldn't be until about 2020 that things started to finally look up. I got my first job against my dads will, and this would be the decision that changed my entire life. I finally started to understand that I wasn't bound by my dads judgement. I met the people who would let me move into their apartment after a shitty roommate situation. And most importantly I met my boyfriend.

I went through a few relationships and there were a few roadblocks before it finally worked out for us to get together. Including my dads impulse choice to move himself, me, and my pregnant stepmother to South Carolina with no actual shelter built except a camper for them and a tent for me in July of '22. But after being friends for about a year and a half, we finally started dating in August. That November, he and one of our then mutual friends made an 8+ hour drive to pick me up on my eighteenth birthday. I turned 18 on November 6th and they started driving on the fifth. If it werent for them I'd still be stuck in South Carolina!

I really think I have my boyfriend to thank for who I am today. When we met I was sixteen and didnt plan on making it to eighteen. I dont think I wouldve without him. Hes been the most supportive and patient person as I've worked to heal a lot of wounds he didn't cause. Ive only been able to do the reflection and self help I needed because of him. I've been allowing myself to let go of the anger Ive defined myself with for so long and its scary. But I think Im going to like the gentler version of myself. The version he deserves.

Because for once in my life I feel like I'm safe. The eggshells are gone. A quiet house doesn't mean tension and a loud one no longer means violence. I can breathe and rest for the first time in a long time. I slept with an eye open for a while, but I think its finally safe to close them both.

[mousemilf]

omg so healing to see you talk about kingcobra because he feels like my dirty secret. i'm a jane gooddall of the youtube jungle and he is the wild primate i am studying, but i can't explain my grotesque car-crash like fascination with him. TMDWU tho

i had to google what tmdwu meant lmfao

yeah my coworker got me into him a few weeks ago!! ive been watching the like bite size youtube documentaries about him but i really cant bring myself to watch much of his more recent stuff bcs his downward spiral just makes me so sad. he seems like such a fun little guy in the early videos like just a loveable weirdo. its weird because i like the guy but like you said its like watching a car crash... i feel bad for partaking of the spectacle thats ruining his little life but at least im not actively trolling? i guess? i just enjoy the chaos but i also sympathize with him.

we were listening to his music on the way to work today and its so strange its more like outsider art than bad music. like its really avant-garde. i think someone should put him in a real studio with a band and see what he can come up with... like his mind is fascinating.. 50 years ago before lolcows he wouldve become discovered after his death and gone down as a famous outsider artist...

[blackvail22]

9/17/23 — 12:14am

while looking for a plain canvas, i found my 1st grade year book and just looking at the pictures in it makes me want to sob. i havent healed from my childhood, and i dont know what to do to heal that inner child

none is this is fair. i was doomed from the start. none of its going to get better but i have to stay alive... i just dont understand why

i remember a few weeks ago at one of my shot appointments, my nurse asked me if i was going to college. i told her i might, but idk what to go for. she said "well, do u have any passions" and i hesitated and said "no.. not really" because i dont think im passionate about anything. i dont know why i was put on earth... i just hope it was for a good reason

9/17/23 — 12:37am

while looking through a bunch of my old stuff, ive been reading this diary-thing i had in 2020 and there was a poem in it. i dont remember writing it, but i feel like i have to share it with you

"you.

i look you up and down and wish you were dead

its a normal thing to happen

this has gone on for more than half a decade

who will fix you?

who will revive you?

who will take the homocidal thoughts out of your mind?

i look at you and see a black screen

your future isnt so bright and

neither are you

no wonder no one loves you

you cant love others and you cant love yourself

maybe you should end it all in december

make the season just as cold

make everyone just as blue"

its not the best poem ever, but it killed me when i realized i wrote this about myself. i believe i told u this, but i planned to end it in december 2020. i decided this on jan 1st of that year... it was my "new years resolution" i ended up not ... doing it because we started to talk again in august that year, and talking to you frequently made me rethink it. i think about it all the time... what wouldve happened if i did do it then? people would think i did it because of covid, but that wasnt the case at all. i was planting things around my room for people to find when i passed and they had to go through my things. most of it were things in my books... i made a drawing when i was contemplating in 2019, and i put it in a book i have about someone offing themselves. i wrote something in sumarian (an ancient language i learned in early middle school), but i threw away the guide i had so people would have to so research to read it. it says "whats the point of living anyway?" i still have everything planted in my books. i still have the letters i wrote, too... i didnt finish all of the ones i wanted to make, but i have one for my sisters and my mom and, of course, my ex girlfriend

my heart feels so heavy tonight. i just wish i had someone to talk to

[extreme-technicality]

i read ur entire ninjago post and now im lowkey invested,,, tell me abt ur daughter rumi

*evil laughter* yesssss, join meeeeee~~~

OKAY BUT MY EVIL DAUGHTER RUMI THO

She has like, fairly good motivations for Being Evil (as far as evil backstories go), and honestly if the writers had LET HER LIVE it could’ve been SO interesting, but I’m getting ahead of myself lmao. She was orphaned off-screen at the end of s1, and got adopted by the Ninjago Royal Family shortly after (why does ninjago have a royal family? who fucking cares lmao). BUT, she grew up hating the ninja because she blames them for her parents deaths. And since Garmadon was the one who actually killed the thing that killed her parents, he’s the only acceptable parental substitute in her mind. Basically, this poor girl has a lot of unprocessed grief and trauma and is coping as best she can - well, ish. She was actively choosing to manipulate literally everyone around her and attempting to bring back Lord Garmadon in his most evil form in order to enact her vengeance against the ninja specifically, but some people do that to COPE

And when I say she was manipulating everyone, I mean she was manipulating EVERYONE. Her parents, the staff, the other ninja - she played Lloyd like a fiddle at the start of s8, and the first hint we got was when she and Lloyd were having their heart-to-heart in s8e2(? I think). They were bonding over the stresses of their positions as leaders and the various masks they’ve had to wear and lay down, and Rumi mentions she has to spend most of her days in a mask. On the first watch, I took it at pretty much face value - she’s a princess, there’s a certain image and reputation she has to maintain, the mask she has to wear, and yeah maybe she likes girls instead of guys and that’s one more thing hidden under a mask, yknow? But once you find out that she’s SPEARHEADING the evil organization working to resurrect Garmadon, THAT CONVERSATION HAS SO MUCH MORE DEPTH!!!!! Honestly, the Rumi reveal is the best ninjago twist (imo) because it’s ASTONISHINGLY well-written!! There’s a few signs in the episodes leading up to the reveal, but they’re so subtle that unless you knew what you were looking for you wouldn’t see them!!!!!!! AND THEN THE DELIGHT ON HER FACE WHEN SHE COULD FINALLY SHED THE LAST OF HER MASKS AND WORK TO BRING GARMADON BACK AND HATE THE NINJA, LLOYD INCLUDED, OPENLY??? ABSOLUTELY UNMATCHED, MY BOY LLOYD WAS GETTING HIS HEART SHATTERED AND I FELT FOR HIM BUT ALSO SHE BECAME MY DAUGHTER IN THAT MOMENT AND SHE STILL IS

Also, there’s a lot about masks in the season - the monologuing from Rumi, plus the macguffins of the arc are three Oni masks: the Mask of Delusion, the Mask of Rage, and the Mask of Vengeance. The moment Rumi unmasks herself is also the moment she takes the Mask of Vengeance for herself, and if I had more brain power I would ABSOLUTELY analyze the FUCK out of that symbolism but I CANT RIGHT NOW AND AAAAAAAAAA

anyway lmao

Another thing I really liked was that Lloyd pointed out that she had a support network available to her, if she wanted it - doubtless the Emperor and Empress of ninjago could’ve gotten her therapy, she was in a stable environment, there were a NUMBER of people who loved and wanted to help her, but she CHOSE to stay rooted in her pain and trauma. She still deserved help!! But her ACTIONS were the problem, because she CHOSE those willingly, and the narrative points that out.

Regardless, she brings Garmadon back and he’s evil and heartless and they’re a perfect pair, honestly, he adopts her in a fashion during s9 and honestly it’s kinda sweet. I CRAVE fics where she lived and disappeared with her gf and Garmadon after s10 and they kinda fuck off for a bit, healing and becoming a Family (that does crime together on the weekend but shhhh) until Lloyd and the other ninja find them and go “oh hey ur our family too now, deal with it 😎”. UN FUCKING FORTUNATELY, she died and I’m high key mad about it!!!! Picture this: Lloyd and Garmadon are having another city-destroying fight, and Rumi goes “fuck this shit I’m OUT” and dips. She’s going through a building and comes across a family going through the exact same situation that resulted in her parents dying and her path to vengeance. She opts to save that family, and she gets a fucking BUILDING collapsed on her in thanks!!!! BRO OKAY LIKE I GET THE SYMBOLISM THEY WERE GOING FOR, BREAK THE CYCLE AND END VENGEANCE OR WHATEVER, BUT IT WOULDVE BEEN SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL IF SHE HAD SAVED THE PARENTS, THAT LITTLE GIRL, AND HERSELF IN THE PROCESS!!!! SHE GETS THEM OUT, IT LOOKS LIKE SHE DIED, TURNS UP AT THE END OF THE SEASON AND GOES TO THERAPY, SURVIVES S10 AND THEN FUCKS OFF WITH GARMADON TO REMEMBER HOW TO BE A FAMILY!!!!! IM GOING FERAL THINKING ABOUT WHAT RUMI COULDVE BEEN BRO!!!! SHE WAS ALREADY SO GOOD AND THEN THEY JUST!!! DROPPED HER!!!!!!!!!! AND I DONT THINK IM EVER GONNA NOT BE MAD ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY EVIL DAUGHTER DESERVED BETTER AND I WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ESPECIALLY since just about every season after she dies, there’s SOME reference to how hurt Lloyd is that she’s gone, or how badly she fucked him up, and basically just dragging out that fake forced romance longer than it kinda should’ve been dragged out. Literally none of that matters!!!! Or, it does, but not NEARLY as much as Rumi’s squandered potential matters!!!! And honestly I just think it would’ve been a much better dynamic if Lloyd and Rumi had gone from “hey I thought we were dating but you tried to kill me” and “I hate your fucking guts and blame you for the deaths of my parents :)” to “siblings who irritate the CRAP out of each other but are low key ride-or-die”. Let them be SIBLINGS for fucks SAKE

Oh I didn’t really talk about her gf did I?? Well one of Rumi’s underlings is a punk biker named UltraViolet and like, none of it was TEXT, but Rumi and UltraViolet DEFINITELY had something going on. I choose to interpret it as evil lesbians because I think it’s what they deserve, but that’s just me lmao (and I’m right)

Ooh no WAIT, UltraViolet got yeeted to prison post-s9, and honestly if Rumi has lived I think she would’ve faced the same fate (still, she needs therapy at SOME point), so in my personal canon the first thing Garmadon does after fucking off post-s10 is he busts Rumi and UV out of jail and then they like. Idk. Travel or something. Discover the meaning of family. Go to therapy together (how many times can I say therapy in a single post??? Let’s Find Out). Fucking LIVE dude, I just want them to be HAPPY

[la-knight]

BOOKS I (RE)READ IN 2018: FURTHERMORE BY TAHEREH MAFI

"Alice Alexis Queensmeadow, 12, rates three things most important: Mother, who wouldn’t miss her; magic and color, which seem to elude her; and Father, who always loved her. Father disappeared from Ferenwood with only a ruler, almost three years ago. But she will have to travel through the mythical, dangerous land of Furthermore, where down can be up, paper is alive, and left can be both right and very, very wrong. Her only companion is Oliver whose own magic is based in lies and deceit. Alice must first find herself—and hold fast to the magic of love in the face of loss." "Red was ruby, green was fluorescent, yellow was simply incandescent. Color was life. Color was everything. Color, you see, was the universal sign of magic." "Love, it turned out, could both hurt and heal." "Narrow-mindedness will only get you as far as Nowhere, and once you're there, you're lost forever.” "Alice was an odd girl, even for Ferenwood, where the sun occasionally rained and the colors were brighter than usual and magic was as common as a frowning parent." "Making magic is far more interesting than making sense." So I actually read this book a few months ago and then recently reread it via audio so I could remember all the details for this review. I was first introduced to Tahereh Mafi’s work through her book Shatter Me, her debut novel. Ironically, it wasn’t through any of the ways I normally hear about books - Booktube, Goodreads, my best friend, Booklr - but from my husband’s aunt. She runs - or used to run, not sure if she’s still doing it - a book review blog. And she posted a review of Shatter Me and I was like, “What a weird, interesting writing style, lemme check this out.” At this point the entire Shatter Me Trilogy plus novellas had been published and I devoured all of them (still need to review those, too). So when I heard Tahereh Mafi was writing a middle grade book, I got super excited! Especially because this was during a time when I was too stressed out to read any YA, since most of the YA I like involves having to save the world and all the stress that entails. I need to lay out some trigger warnings real quick: the main character, Alice? Her mom is incredibly abusive, both emotionally and physically. It’s treated as not such a big deal in the book, which is honestly the story’s only real flaw, but it’s bad. It took me seven tries and resorting to an audiobook (and even with a fantastic narrator, that short audiobook took me almost a month to get through) because the abuse was so bad. So:

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS BOOK CONTAINS EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE OF A CHILD BY THEIR PARENT

Let’s get started, yo! First of all, the setting. OMG. See, I love tthis thing called Victorian fairy tales, which is something you can find in books like Mary Poppins - these super fantastical bits of whimsy that just warm your heart and make you grin because they’re so creative and fun. In the Mary Poppins books, you can jump into chalk drawings and go to a circus amidst the stars and make friends with a woman who sells living candy-cane horses. In Catherynne Valente’s Fairyland series, there are shadow balls and talking phonographs. And in Furthermore, there’s light raining down from the sky in literal drops, sticks of magic you use like money, and forests full of invisible berries. The way the world is put together and described, so full of color and imagination, is awesome and beautiful and I could picture it perfectly. It reminded me in all the best ways of books like The Phantom Tollbooth (one of my favorites). But I wouldn’t want to live there, because Ferenwood is full of colorism and ick. Alice, the female lead, is an albino in a world where color is important and the darker you are, the more magical you’re considered to be. So Alice gets treated like garbage. 

Also I think Alice may be autistic, but I don’t know if she’s deliberately coded autistic or if Tahereh Mafi did it by accident while trying to make Alice eccentric, but she comes across as autistic. I’ve actually begun to pay more attention to that sort of the thing in recent years, being autistic myself, and I see it a lot - authors giving their characters autistic characteristics, often without meaning to. I just touch on it here because Alice is already treated badly for being albino, but she’s also considered a freak because of the way she behaves - like an autistic preteen. And I wonder if Tahereh Mafi did that on purpose as a sort of commentary or not, because while Alice is treated badly by the people of Ferenwood for her behavior, the Narrator (who is an actual character in the story; love when that happens) always sides with Alice in this regard. The storyline is sweet and I love it. Alice tries to compete in the magical testing all the preteens do on their twelfth birthday, and so she dances. And her dancing is magical but it’s not Magical, you know? So she fails the test. Well, turns out a boy who passed the test the year before, Oliver (the brat), needs Alice’s help fulfilling a quest - rescuing Alice’s missing dad. So they go on a quest together, although Alice hates Oliver (and rightly so, he’s rude). They go to a dozen different and cool places, all of which are dangerous and all of which are different. I wish we could’ve spent more time in those places but I understand why we didn’t. The only annoying thing is there’s an origami fox on the cover but it only pops up in one of the worlds for like two pages and then it’s gone and I thought we could spend more time both in that world and with that creature since it ended up on the cover. But alas, not. I understand why - middle grade is often cursed to be short, especially if it’s the author’s first MG novel ever. Once you get big and bad like Rick Riordan you can start tossing out gihugic tomes like Son of Neptune or Blood of Olympus on the regular. Oliver’s reason for needing Alice was one I didn’t see coming, nor was her magical talent - a talent they hint at throughout the book but never explain until near the end, at the perfect moment. I thought it was an interesting commentary on how young girls perceive themselves, that Alice hates this marvelous, amazing talent she has of bringing color into the world from nothing...because she can’t use it to change how she looks. Society has trained her already, by the age of twelve, to discount something incredible about herself because she can’t use it to make herself into what society wants her to be. That’s pretty impressive for a book this short. I loved some of the more deliberate messages in the work - the thing I mentioned about society’s pressures on young girls, and also that it’s okay to tell boys to screw off if they’re mean to you, and to have hope and to look for second chances (Alice thinks she only has one chance to pass the test and believes her life is over when she fails, only to find out she can try again the next year). I love all of that, and the lyrical and whimsical quality of the prose, and the world building is so creative and also makes me a bit hungry (people eat magic in this book, among other things; I wonder what it tastes like). Now...let’s talk about the abuse. That’s my biggest issue with the book. Alice’s mother is a total bitch. And not in a cool, kickass way like the lady in the show Empire. She’s vicious, she’s cruel, and she’s abusive. Alice knows - and the Narrator confirms - that she turned bad when her husband went missing, and apparently the worry for him and the strain of raising four kids on her own is making her hard and sad, but I don’t give a shit. I was hoping Tahereh Mafi would’ve gone all Hansel and Gretel on this lady and when Alice comes home with her dad, the wife’s dead or something. She beats Alice (at one point she beat Alice for chasing a boy out of the place where she was sleeping, even though he kept staring at her in her sleeping clothes, because apparently the boy - Oliver - had the right to break into their barn at 3AM and ogle Alice???), she verbally abuses Alice, she sends her to bed regularly without dinner, is constantly criticizing, won’t hug her or kiss her, and - this one really got me, for some reason - forces her to do illegal things. Those invisible berries I mentioned? Alice can find them and bring back whole baskets because of her magical gift, and so her mom sends her out to pick them all the time. If she brings home enough, her mom smiles. If she doesn’t, her mom yells and calls her names and sometimes beats her. Guess what? Picking those berries is illegal. We don’t find this out until much later in the book, but it is. The thing I didn’t like about the berries is that Oliver, who’s thirteen, is less concerned about Alice’s mother beating her for not picking enough contraband berries and instead focuses on how her ability to find the berries in the first place means Alice has really impressive magic. NOBODY seems to care how much Alice is being abused, not even the Narrator. The Narrator sympathizes with Alice’s hurt feelings and despair over her missing Father, but it’s never objectively stated that her mom is abusing her AND SHE IS. Yeah, her mom is sooo glad to have her back after Alice almost dies on her trip with Oliver, but so what? My roommate’s mom is so abusive that my roommate’s clergy leaders, doctors, and psychological therapist all said my roommate needed to cut ties with said mom, even though my roommate’s mom has also exhibited the same kind of “oh baby I’m so sorry, I love you so much” bullshit. That’s what abusers do. So I hate Alice’s mom. She literally makes her daughter feel like if she doesn’t risk her life numerous times AND bring her father back, there is no chance her mother will ever love her. And if she pulls that stuff off (which she does), then MAYBE her mother will love her. Nuh-uh. Nope. Hate that bitch. Other than that, I really loved this book. The characters felt real (Alice is me, but without my anger), Even the ones I didn’t like were still REAL, and well-drawn. The world building and word choice is fantastic. Basically, if you can get past the evil mom, read this book. World Building: 1 star Realism: 1 star Word Choice: 1 star Plot: 1 star Characterization: 1 star - ¼ star because Oliver Newbanks is an obnoxious little creep - 1 star because the mom is AN ABUSIVE EVIL BITCH - ¼ star because NOBODY DOES ANYTHING ABOUT THAT +½ star because Alice is amazing and has a genius brain and I love her Total score: 4/5 stars Would I Buy It: Yes! I own it and loved it enough I got the sequel for Christmas (in...2017...I've been sitting on this review for months...)! Would I Recommend: yes, but with trigger warnings. Again, highly abusive evil bitch mom who somehow doesn’t die.

[jasperstan408]

January 10, 2021

holy shit so much has changed and i have so much tea for myself lmao 1. i got my first job as a graphic designer!!! after months of being insecure and depressed about it, i start tomorrow!!! 2. i got my first heartbreak that isn’t A!!! Sad but exciting that it’s not him im crying over anymore. 

writing my notes from my app on here

I am so upset right now. I went over to fuck bryan in a hotel room. We had sex for 20 minutes, i didn’t even cum. He said i can be on top and then i never got the chance. And then we just laid there on opposite sides of the bed. We talked a little but mostly just watched family guy awkwardly. He kept checking stuff on his phone and then he played a game on his phone while i watched. This is just stuff i would do if i was bored or didn’t want to be where i was at the moment. Even when we sat close, he obviously just didn’t want to be there like he didn’t touch me at all. Barely talked to me. He was so distant and i hated it. I think it just triggered something in my brain that reminded me of how andy acted around me and it upset me. Ive been crying all night about it. I hate andy so fucking much. He literally ruined everything for me. Is this how it’s going to be with all men? They just want me for my pussy and nothing else? When we had sex the first time it was amazing. I felt connected and it was good. This was literally just to fuck me and be done with it. I tried to keep the conversation flowing and nothing. He didnt even ask me how my day was.

Yeah i was gonna talk to you about how you were weird and distant last night so I’m glad you noticed and its not just in my head. I’ll be honest, i dont really know what to say back. I could just tell you why im upset about this and how upset i am but i just feel like it doesnt matter what i say tbh. It’s not going to change anything. I will say you made me feel like shit. I just felt so used and unwanted last night. It was obvious you were only there to have sex and nothing else. It was such a shitty feeling for me to lay there after and have you not even notice. I didn’t pay $40 to watch family guy with you and to watch you play a game on your phone. Yeah it wasnt a relationship but if we were friends with benefits, the friendship part wasnt there. Neither were the benefits since last time i gave u a bj and this time i didnt even cum. That hurts that you feel that way because i really did like spending time with you and was excited to keep spending time with you but its also out of my control and i cant make you feel a way you dont so i guess it just sucks. 

What you are not about to fucking do is downplay how i fucking feel and try to make what you did any better. If you felt this, you felt this i dont fucking care but you had so many chances to fucking cancel and so many chances to be honest with me but you still went just to fuck me. Im not a fleshlight you can stick your dick into to hopefully forget about someone else, if there even is someone else. I cant even trust you after you lied about so much. Cincinatti and the keys and who knows what else. Dont treat me like im a fucking idiot like i didnt pick up signs that you weren’t interested anymore. If youre not interested, okay fine but dont lie to me. I thought we could get a hotel room and it would be a good time like the first time. Not have you fuck me for 5 minutes and then ignore me for another hour and a half. So dont say “we knew what we were doing when we got the hotel room” because I thought you actually wanted to spend time with me. That shit hurt and my feelings are valid. What did you think would happen? I would wake up and see your text and feel sorry for you? I would say “oh sorry you feel that way hit me up when you wanna fuck me again 😏😉😍🥺😂” we’re not gonna just be friends so you can string me along and fuck me whenever you want. I’m not anyones rebound or second choice. And dont use my fucking words against me like that. When i said “fake scenarios” i meant that I thought us sleeping together last night wouldve been fun like the first time. Not me creating a scenario where you used me. I didnt create that, thats what happened. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. 

The thing you don’t understand is that it was so out of nowhere for me. I thought you were interested and then acted like it didn’t matter if i was there or not. Waking and reading a text saying “I’m not over my ex but we can be friends” made me think you were getting back together with an ex and just wanted to soften the blow by saying we can just be friends. Like you didn’t actually want to be friends, you just were trying to make it easier on me. Idgaf about how you feel. If you’re not over your ex okay but that’s your baggage and that’s your problem and you didnt have to dump it out on me like you did that night. 

Okay so like I’ve said and like you know, I was really hurt the other night. I get everyone has their baggage and their insecurities and that’s okay but what was not okay is projecting that baggage on to me and hurting me like you did. I have my baggage with my ex and I spent so much time working through it so I don’t do this to anyone. That’s all your problem, not mine. I did like spending time with you and talking to you. I do want to be friends. We can still talk every once in a while and maybe we can hang out and smoke but I just don’t think I want to hook up or anything like that. That was just way too much and it obviously didn’t end well.

My hopes were crushed because i liked what we were doing and it sucks that it had to end so soon. I just miss talking to you and i miss that time in my life, being excited that you were in it and it just sucks that it had to end so quick. It sucks that you didn’t feel the same as me. It sucks that none of this is my fault. I cant change anything about what happened and i cant make you feel a certain way that you don’t. It’s scary that we went thru the same experience and had different feelings about it. This was all out of nowhere for me because i really thought you were into me tbh until we were in the middle of sex and i felt like something was off. And then you sat there, wouldn’t look at me or talk to me and honestly it made me think i did something wrong. You dumped your baggage on to me.

Id like to go back to how it was when we first met. We can just be friends. We can hang out every once in a while, smoke and get something to eat but obviously sleeping together isnt a good idea and i dont want to do that anymore.

Reading your message, I thought that you were saying you and your ex were getting back together and by saying “we can still talk and still be friends”, you were just trying to be nice and not hurt me i guess?

Love language is quality time

Hey can we talk?

Okay so i just kinda wanted to be open about what i think and am feeling. Im sorry if this is out of nowhere. I know this was 2 weeks ago lol i just have not had any time to talk to you. So when you first texted me the other day, I took it as “my ex and i are getting back together and i wanted to fuck someone for the last time.” Maybe I was just jumping to conclusions idk but I took you wanting to be friends and saying you wanted to talk to me like pity tbh. Like you didn’t actually want to do that, you were just saying that to soften the blow. I did like talking with you and hanging out with you. I would like to be friends but I don’t want to intrude if you’re with someone else, I feel like that’d be awkward lol

I’d like to just go back to how it was before it got messy. I’m fine with still talking and maybe someday we can smoke and get something to eat and hang out. I did like hanging out and talking with you but obviously, sleeping together isn’t a good idea and I don’t want to do that.

So I do want to talk about the other night just to get some clarity and it can stay in the past. I understand how you felt and tbh I’ve been there before too. I’ve gone on a date with a guy and the date was fine but the whole time I was just sad over my ex and it ruined things. It happens and it sucks, I get it. But the thing is, that’s your baggage that you need to deal with. Not mine but you dumped the baggage on me. I have baggage with my ex but i dealt with it and healed from it so I wouldn’t do this to anyone. My ex was the worst and that night, you were acting like him and it triggered something that made me really upset. My love language is quality time so when i hang out with someone, it’s important that they’re there with me and their attention isn’t somewhere else which is also why i got really upset.

I just remember at one point, the way you were walking or something made me flashback to him and i just wanted to leave. You’re the first guy I’ve opened up to like this since we broke up so you acting like that made me think every guy is going to be like that towards me and i got upset. I know now that’s not the truth. My love language is quality time so when I’m with someone, id like them to be there with me. To talk to me instead of being on their phones and acting like i wasnt there. Having sex with me and then ignoring me was how my ex was the last half of our relationship and it triggered something for me. That night just wasnt a good night for me. Like i said, we all have our baggage but it wasn’t okay to treat me like that. I would just like to go back to how it was when we first met. We can smoke and get something to eat but sleeping together isn’t what I want right now.

Basically, you already know, but the way you treated me wasn’t okay. I understand how you felt and I’ve been down that road too but dumping that baggage on me wasn’t okay. It made me uncomfortable and it upset me. My love language is quality time so when i do hang out with someone, I’d like them to be focused on hanging out with me but you weren’t. You were on your phone and watching tv instead which is why i got upset. Like i said before, the way you were acting reminded me of my ex and it triggered something for me which is also why i got upset. After all this, i am a human with feelings so of course I’m going to get hurt. I would like to be friends. We can still talk and maybe we can still hang out and smoke together if you’re down but obviously sleeping together isn’t a good idea right now and i dont want to so that.

I’ll be honest, the whole time you were talking to me, i just kept waiting for something like this to happen and here it is.

You’re right. You’re very confusing and obviously don’t know what you want. You made all the first moves and ended it first too. You said you wanted a friendship and i said i did too and now you dont even want that. You’re very back and forth and yeah, i dont need someone like that in my life. You aren’t listening to anything that ive said, youre just getting defensive when im trying to just talk through it. We were just fwb i get it and like ive said multiple times, thats all i wanted from you. I never saw you as a guy to meet my parents or to hang out with my friends. Just someone to fuck at the end of the night. This all got messy because of you. I’m a human with emotions so stop trying to gaslight me into making me think what i feel is wrong.

[angeladdict]

so storytime

my sister had a dream full of symbolism basically

she was awake in the dream and looked over at me still awake irl and thought to herself she needs to go to sleep rn so she can be here in this dream with me

she was in the bottom of her bunk bed with two angels on the top bunk, and they had to go to sleep to go to an alternate reality. my sister however was awake, and could still see what the angels saw in the parallel universe.

the angels were observing a bright purple storm being caused by a random guy standing in front of it.

my sis was snapped out of this alternate reality bc a guy and a girl came in thru her bedroom door (in the dream) and put a pot full of stones at the foot of the door so she wasnt able to leave.

she kicked the pot over and left the house

when she left all she saw was a river of lava. she began to float down it and was joined by some man, and they went down the lava unharmed. it didnt burn them at all

the lava ended eventually and led to a lake of murky muddy water. there were multiple plant boxes scattered throughout the lake. small sprouts were growing from the boxes, but there were gaps underneath the boxes that some random girl kept getting stuck in and drowning. they had to save her multiple times bc she kept getting stuck and almost dying.

my interpretation of this:

the whole dream seemed to be symbolic of my current life circumstance. i think i was supposed to be sleeping and having this dream, but instead she had to explain it to me. i wouldve normally woken up from the dream and understood the meaning instantly.

BACKSTORY:

so, theres this guy i met online 5 yrs ago and became enamored with within a week basically bc we quickly became engrossed in eachother, texting every second we were awake. we couldnt get enough of eachothers company

the bliss only lasted a month bc we mutually became triggered over the smallest of things, and he said he didnt sign up for this, and would come and go. we would bicker, hed leave for a week and return later to give it another shot.

well the coming and going gave my now codependent ass some serious anxiety that snowballed into full blown panic attacks

i broke my literal heart forcing myself to stop talking to him as i felt myself entering a depressive episode. i had zero mental space to talk to him or much less anyone at all.

a month after i left to heal, he gets with his current best friend. the first day theyre together, he posts on his blog "i only really want Your attention" that was the first red flag and threw me into a fit of rage that started small and grew larger and larger as i saw him subposting me and it was so glaringly obvious he was using her as a distraction and to fill the void of my absence bc he missed me and didnt know how to be alone or process the grief

i only think he even experienced grief in the first place bc of songs he would add to playlists and id look up the lyrics and would be like bruh. he started this whole journey of realizing my worth about a week after i had skipped town to heal. my parting message included that i was in love with him. he never replied.

a week after i had gone, he made a playlist and added some g eazy song "im in love with these tumblr girls" and i was like okay so you couldnt even reply though? do u just think its too late to bother bc im already gone? anyway so thats when the process of realizing my worth began. but a month after that he was in a new relationship which was super dumb and totally a rebound

well, i saw from day 1 she was a rebound and tried to tell her. she said i was batshit crazy, belonged in a psych ward, and that even if it was TRUE that he wasnt over me, she actually couldnt care less. this shocked me. she didnt care if he was into his ex? thats not normal. like AT all.

so fast forward FIVE entire years, theyre still together, hes still not over me, and she ignores the signs he leaves in the form of tumblr and twitter subposts ab me. she either doesnt realize theyre about me, OR she has a hunch and doesnt give a fuck.

now, i dont believe shes that stupid. i (personally) think she knew the entire time, and didnt care he was depressed and unhappy bc he couldnt get over his past, over me. she was content to continue dating him AND not address the elephant in the room. talk about selfish and uncaring for her boyfriends mental and emotional health.

on the flip side, she was oblivious bc he is an excellent liar and blamed his depression on genetics. to this day i have no idea what the truth of the matter is.

as of right now he is realizing theres a possibility she knew why he was so sad their whole relationship, and didnt bother to help him heal from me, just used him to fill her inner void and lack of self esteem bc of her childhood trauma.

he is currently questioning everything bc he isnt sure what her intentions were with him this entire time. he has no idea but is beginning to. i have my hunches, which i have expressed to him, but he is processing and coming to his own conclusions.

the main reason i dont believe she ever truly loved him is because she said she didnt care if he was miserable and not over me. she didnt care. i tried to tell her he wasnt over me and was miserable and needed help that SHE wasnt giving him by IGNORING his pain. she said i was lying and psychotic and jealous. no, i was trying to warn you. most girls would want to know their bf was emotionally unavailable. she didnt. THATS why i dont believe she had his best intentions at heart. she wanted to use him. she wanted him to be a trophy on her wall, a reason to view herself as better than me. why? because she has such low self esteem bc of her childhood and needed a reason to fuel her ego and feel better about herself. she BEGAN with pure intentions. it quickly turned into something much, much more sinister.

she was so volatile and rude, saying he only loved her and never loved me. she knew NOTHING of our experience, however brief it was. why? bc She Never Asked Him. why? bc She Didnt Care. why? bc she was never in it to care about him, but rather to care about herself and her need for validation and deprivation of love.

she is narcissistic. period. she has used him for their entire relationship (albeit the first week before i alerted her) to fuel her ego and sense of entitlement and feeling ~above me. ~better than me. she would gossip to her friends about how i was just jealous of her life and wished i was her. (they told me she said this). that is the OPPOSITE of the truth.

so all in all, she was a rebound for him, and he was an ego boost for her.

theyre mutually using eachother for selfish means.

OK BACKSTORY FINISHED

the dream interpretation:

[aonrivers]

Found Some Painful Words

I wrote all of these during an abusive relationship. Abuse is not okay. Physical, Mental, Emotional - it’s all wrong. I experienced all three with this person. Thought I wasn’t good enough. Well- I am. He just put it in my mind that I wasn’t. I had to force a situation to happen in order for me to free myself from what I chained my mind, body, and soul to. And I am grateful that I am still here. There’s still a struggle every day and when I dream, he’s in them and I’m just as afraid. But time heals all wounds and hopefully, one day, I forgive and let go.

Got buttons to push You know how to push You know how to hit me hard I take it Why? Because you've got my heart You've got me Everything that I did was for you And what did you do You took me for granted Fuck consideration When did you ever consider mine? You tell me its my fault You blame me Can't talk to her Can't be friends with him You are my robot You are my car You're not your own person But I am me You just can't see You can't take me for me And that's why I say I was used But you play dumb Because you are dumb Its all about you Fuck me You never wanted me You wanted to play with me Toy with my heart Toy with my feelings And I took it Why? Because you had me You had my naïve You had my insecurities And you took it for granted Personal is personal But when could I tell people what was wrong I couldn't Or else you'd explode But you can take it Take everything that was personal and run You ran your mouth You make others believe that its me I'm the crazy one I'm the bitch that made you how you are I'm not your baby's mama Or the ones that fucked you over I'm the one that cared I'm the one you fought with Over stupid shit Over shit that had nothing to do with us And I took it Why? Because I'm blind My feelings clouded the truth It clouded reality And now all I gotta say is: Fuck you Fuck you and your words What goes around comes around And its gonna fuck you harder And I won't be here for you No one will Its all you Always will be you I won't be the one who's alone Its all on you now and I'll say it again: Fuck you.

Have you ever been blamed for something you didn't do? I'd own up to it if you'd only explain Why the fingers are pointed at me Why I'm the one getting the feedback from you that this was all me It takes two to start the battle Two to even the rights and wrongs But you won't admit it was you too When was it ever you? According to you - never! The blame game works in your favor for only so long Eventually you lose Eventually I stop caring Reaction is what you wanted Reaction is what you got But you can't handle it Its maybe too much Sticks and stones That rhyme is bullshit Words do hurt and you'd never understand Never know the pain that I've been in Have you ever had a heartbreak? Is that why you're so cruel? If I had to guess I'd say no Because you'd know how to treat me You'd know that heartaches hurt like a bitch And you'd stay clear You wouldve never let it come to this So many sorries you've heard They start turning untrue But this goodbye aint a lie and this I love you too.

It all flies When you're pretending to be victimized You're pulling the wool over their eyes But we can see Everything you've been saying You've been lying thru your teeth Just another he said she said How can you even rest your head Peacefully You're a piece of shit and nothing else They say wear it if the shoe fits You nothing but a dumb bitch You're a snitch We were supposed to be friends You started it and this is where it ends

I won't take back what I said Bc it was true Listen to every word that you read Put yourself in my shoes Play the idiot if you need to The words are as black and white Everything I said was what I saw What I felt What I needed to realize You got a shell that's harder than diamond But my words cut right through My words repeat in your head like a broken record You try to understand where it all came from But it just shows we have something in common How much clearer do you have to get? You made your point Mine was made too I accepted you Why can't you do the same for me? Why can't you take your mistakes and learn I'm doing that too Your "acting" becomes a "reactor" That's what you said But what did you expect from me? To sit and be quiet? You hit below the knees I tried it too And we both succeeded Now why can't we just take what's been done And keep trudging But you can't I'm not what you wanted There's no such thing as the perfect girl But that's what you wanted I'm as perfect as imperfect can get Why not accept it? Why not accept me for me? Take my craziness and my reactions I accepted you Everything you did that hurt me I accepted that too But how dare I try to defend me I put my heart on the platter just for you And it just comes to show I can't do that again Are you happy? I'm just like you Why should I care it gets me nowhere I've been fucked over so many times Why should I keep trying? They say it makes you stronger Every relationship you learn from the last But maybe I am just as you called it And maybe I'm going about this all wrong But I guarantee the next one won't come so close I'm tired of the pain and betrayal I won't be crawling after anyone anymore If they want me they better take me for all Take me for everything I offer And everything I'm not

Your son says you wanna talk to me What for? I told you everything I could I'll even give you more Everyone has to be on his side Right or wrong It doesn't matter As long as he's not the bad guy He aint the victim And neither am I We both were wrong But he can't see that And maybe I can't see where I went wrong either But if he only explained maybe I'll know With every fight comes something new I'm learning He needs to learn too I can't change the way people think of him Of us Of me Its just how they are I can't change him He can't change me And that's what he wants to do He says he was better off before I came Maybe that's true Maybe I was just as better off But now what can we do? The damage is done The poison is set We'll just have to continue Continue on with the fights Or maybe talking it out But deep down I know what really needs to be done And that's just walk away On good terms On bad terms At this point I don't know what we're on But we're only hurting each other

You walk around like a burdens on your shoulders You act like every ones after you When they really aren't You say I'm not ready for a serious relationship When its really you I'm not the one who's scared of commitment And you're never gonna have her If you keep acting like you are You say I'm miserable But that's how you made me No trust No love What more could you have wanted? There's only so much I can give But I won't take away what makes me happy Fuck bills We all got em Fuck problems We got that too Its something thatll never change But I was willing for you But I was never given a reason You never told me why You gave me hints They don't cut it Maybe if you drew out the big picture Then I wouldve bought it You became impatient with me I became impatient with time If I could have it back I'd take it in a heartbeat I'd take every moment that felt wasted Because that's what I did I wasted every minute Waiting on something that was never gonna happen

You'll never understand the pain Of being told you're just a friend never will you gain The title of being your girl, being the one It was almost like I was here just for fun Now here you are giving this stranger the thing I asked for Even if it was just a title I know I'd never be more But I tried, yes I did And I'm still trying but who am I to kid? The words that were said were true But they were pain and everything everyone wanted me to believe and see I'll take them back please forgive me Give us one last chance We can make this last I know I said this all before But I've opened my eyes, seen deep inside the core I see what I did was wrong And now I long For the wrong to become right And I'll fight I'll make you believe what I say is all true And I'll wait if I have to bc I love you I didn't wait before and I exploded I was like a gun that was loaded Everything you did my rounds were emptied on you And I apologize on everything I do I will make it up to you I promise Takes me time to understand this And believe me it's working too But I guess there's nothing I can do It's now all on you

Ever feel like you're a fuck up? You've fucked up Nothings ever right And no matter what you do Everybody's looking at you? Everybody knows even when you didn't say it They see it The pain, the agony, the strife It's all caused because of you You hurt the person you care about the most Said things that hurts the worst And no matter how hard you try You can't fix the wrong You apologize But he's heard it all before They're sounding like lies It's like the only one believing them now I would take back my words if I could But I fucked up I'm the fuck up "Please forgive me" ...I wish he would

This isn't anger anymore It's remorse I fucked up It's true If you want me back it's all up to you I keep fighting To make you see But I know I'll get tired I lost sight of what's important to me And I'll be damned to let that happen again I feel like I'm pushing too much But you were never one to hold back What you really wanted to say I was I held it inside for too long I exploded I said some things I shouldn't have Respect me I'll respect you more Hit me I'll hit you harder Though I never knew how hard I really could hit And now I'm feeling the repercussion I can dish shit out But like you I can't take it back I crumble It was anger I felt But now it's over I'm trying to make the wrong right But it's so much harder than I expected This is my remorse And my plea For you to forgive Or at least accept my apology

I'm fighting for something I won't win Don't tell me I'm not worthless Don't tell me I'm not kicked to the curb To you I am To you I'm gone You've made your choice Even if you haven't said it Your actions show it I'm trying everything to fight But I'm getting tired I'm giving up You gave up "Never in my life did I give up on you" Bullshit Your words Your actions Your secrets It's all called giving up And I'm holding on And it's killing me I'm fighting a heartbreak This race isn't in my favor So it's time to find that curb And take a rest Things work out for themselves you say Well fuck that When you're confused on what you want You never see the light You don't till that one is gone And when I walk away Then you'll see But it'll be too late I won't be here And even if it pains me to leave me It's the best thing to do Fighting a heartbreak isn't how I wanna live I know what I want But I'm wasting my time, my breath I'm wasting who I'm supposed to be And no longer can I do it I'm sorry

All I do is cause problems Maybe you're right My whole family's in turmoil bc they don't understand I got drunk tonight Kept to myself Next thing I know I'm being kicked outta dinner And why? Bc of you Bc I'm broken hearted And beaten down I'm trying to be strong But how much stronger can I be? For five years it's always been the same I meet someone I fall in love I'm cheated on Bc I'm not good enough I'm lied to my face And cheated on again And here I thought you'd be different But you're the same as him I'm nothing to you I'm worthless to all You're still talking to me But that means shit If you wanna be with someone who's fucked you every way So be it, right? I can't change the way you feel I feel like death though I don't wanna be here For you For my family For me There is no point The only one who wants me alive is my mom That's only one person It'd destroy her But I feel destroyed For 5 years I've been nothing but destroyed My heart ripped out Stabbed Crushed And handed back to me I'm afraid to find the next "one" I'm scared bc what if he's like you? Like the one before? What if I open up to him like you And I'm trampled on? Gotta stay strong they say But no one knows what my hearts been through I can't be strong anymore All I wanna do is fade away....

I can't fight you anymore It gets me nowhere I can't tell you I love you And convince you I'm the one It means nothing to you All I got is to be strong for now on Bc that's the only way I can feel anything I can't take your actions They beat me down Your words hit even harder And you need to realize that soon I can say you're losing the best thing right now But what do my words mean I've made my bed and you have too But I don't think I can lay in it much longer My emotions get the best of me I wish they would to you too Your silence is the worst And I can't take it anymore You say I push till pushing comes to shove Makes you say hurtful things But they show who you really are And that hurts even more There's two sides to every mirror And the reflection I saw in the past Is who I want with me now But your actions and words have changed I'm becoming to feel weak But I won't let that happen anymore For all I can do now is fight Not fight for you I said that before I need to fight for me for I have lost who I am already And I never should've let that be My love is no secret, I give you my all But now it's time for me Like it should've been from the start I'm sorry for everything No hard feelings please? I gotta do me with my feelings for you And prove that I'm gonna be okay

Always 'bout the situation High class, nothin' but sophistication Wake up and face reality Your shit stinks - fatality Nothing's ever good enough You're like an ailment that's been buffed High class and you be ballin' Your rep with me is completely fallin' Life is good, give me a break Get off the toilet or eat your cake! Life is not that happy ending Weren't those the text you sending? Consequences for the choice you've made Wasn't your love a different shade? Always living for tomorrow Whatta cliche for a motto All talk, bitch and nag It's your charm that's gonna sag Do as you say, say what you mean But you're splitting from the seam I'm always here don't you worry My love for you, you can never bury In one ear and out the other Give me some time before you smother With demands you've got a few I'm doin' what I gotta do! Always sacrifice today Doin' what you always say I'm stepping off and taking charge Still payin' bills before you barged 50/50 all or none Take it now before I'm done! I do me and you do you I hope you got a little clue Don't lose sight in what it is Seal it with a little kiss Remember what you always say Don't play dumb come next day Now rest your head and go to sleep On my egg shells is where I'll keep Writin' out your hurtful words Half that shit's for the birds I'll take it in consideration But there aint no obligation You did fine before we met All I do, how you forget So high class, snort and falter This situation needs to be altered Fallin' fast, no bungee cord Let me have the last word Don't make me waste my time By bustin' out another rhyme So this is where I gotta stop And never let you rise on top This is me, known from day one So stop demanding or you'll be stunned Can't say that I can walk away I've never been that strong to this day But I'm gonna get a tougher skin To lose me will be your only sin Grippin' and rippin' it And you can't do shit!

Well... I feel completely run down. Physically. Emotionally. I feel ruined, depressed, shocked, betrayed, mad.... I just keep looking at my empty bedroom and thinking about where I've been for the past 2 months and can't help but think... "Wow. Lies after lies and this is where I end up". He's alone in his apt - proud? And I'm with my mom almost homeless in 4 days bc he decided to wait to this point to finally let me know how he really feels about me. Pulling ppl on his side when clearly he's the wronged one... And ppl who know me - get what I say, get what I go thru, but don't understand why. Why did I stay? Why did I trust him? All I can say is I don't know. I don't know why I always went back. I don't know why I fell in love with this kid. I don't know why I felt extremely comfortable with him after an argument, after a fight.... I don't know why I loved every minute with him especially, clearly now, those every minutes were preparing an attack towards my inner self. My soul. Tearing my walls down. My body aches, my heads confused, my throat throbs from crying so hard. Crying for the times we enjoyed each other, crying for what he did to me, crying for actually believing that I antagonized him to do what he did. I'm sure this note will get around work as well, but why? I can't express my thoughts, feelings, and views on something that has affected me in a huge way?? I can imagine it now... ppl at work telling him that I'm calling him an abuser again, when he's telling ppl "she's a good girl, it just didn't work out between us" - when who's to believe that's really being said by him when he fabricated everything to the ppl I should've called the moment after all this happened... The ppl I should've called in september. In october... The ppl who would've protected me and can't now bc I didn't take advantage of saving my own ass, telling him that even tho I'm crying or yelling to come at me like he did wasn't right. I know I was in the wrong too but nothing I did could ever add up to his actions. And to say I did this (my eye) is berserk bc I'm not that person to hurt myself and blame someone else. I'm not the person to sit there and lie about what happened. That morning runs thru my head and I can't remember anymore what happened when my head bounced off that floor. I remember distinctly saying "ow" I remember his harsh words. Me pleading "no". But I can't recall anything else but the bedroom door shutting and yet again.... I was alone. Alone in my despair, my pain, my confusion..... Wondering why am I here? What point in life do I have if I'm so hated by him? How much better for him would it have been if I didn't exist...? How much I wished I never met him? Listened to ppl who said stay away, he's no good, you deserve better. And I believe that. But I was in love... In love with being deceived. Having drunken promises broken bc I was no longer being lead on. I was there. My bed was there. And I wish with everything it still was.... I wish for those drunken nights back where I was promised a good 2011... Where I finally felt content and happy... Where he said he loved me too..... But was that a lie too? Another way to reel me in. In so far that when he finally let go of the pole that I would fall into a black hole... Getting too deep to climb out? Ppl say there's a God... But nobody knows how many times I asked Him 'why?' How many times I ask Him what did I do? If there is a God, I never got answers. I had to once again learn the hard way and be hurt in the long run. I have doubts he's not hurting, that he's telling ppl I'm the crazy bitch again at work, but then I hear his voice "you're losing it woman". But really? If I'm losing it, am I really 100% to blame for that? To have break downs that I've never had before until March of 2010? Sure I've had a heartbreak that made me cry for almost all of 2007, but this was different. This was everything I was supposed to be and was being broken down... Broken down and destroyed to the way I feel right now. I hurt. I wish that this hurt would just fade into a numbness that I wouldn't even know existed... But I don't wish anymore and I don't pray. Bc if prayers worked, answers would've been given. And if wishing on stars was true, this would've never happened... I'd even be granted my lifetime wish: to fly.....

Tattered and torn my heart here lies, Turn my blood cold, Close the doors that open a new. No more shall I hurt, For none of it is worth it. These tears will no longer be shed, This longing will no longer linger. For tattered and torn I was, And no longer shall I be. 

[thespencerxevans-blog]

Tagging → @knoxallen Mentions of → Spencer Evans & Knox Allen Location →  Rooftop, Wednesday February 8, 2017 - 9pm Notes → Spencer asking Knox to meet him to talk. She is saying her peace, giving him back the stuff he gave her during their time together, and saying goodbye.

Spencer couldn't believe she was bringing herself to do this. She knew where her heart was, but then there was a part of her that would always belong to Knox. Atticus asked her of this and she felt it was the best thing to do to keep their relationship from falling apart. She spent the evening gathering a few items that she had kept, sticking them in a box to bring upstairs with her. She knew he would come for nine on the dot, so she went up a little bit earlier to be able to let her body relax before he would show up. She knew that one day they could be friends, but she realized she had feelings to sort out. He had opened old wound she thought was healed. Her hands rested against the edge and she could hear the elevator door open. "You know, I can remember that night like it happened yesterday." She was referring to the night she found Knox's letter.

Knox: walked over to where Spencer was standing and rested a beer in front of her. "Two years." He let out an exhale. "Spence, I don't know how many times I can tell you that I'm sorry for hurting you, but that I was doing it to keep you safe. If you knew my father, you'd understand." He took a sip of his beer.

Spencer didn't think he realized how much damaged it did to her. Or the extent of letting him in. She hated emotions. It was easier to fuck people and bury your emotions than have to deal with them. She was doing good until he showed up. She thought she had moved on. "What you thought was wrong." Her tone sharp. She had to keep this short. "You will listen to what I have to say. I need to say it, get my closure, and let you go." She turned her head to look at him. "That night I went home, I tried to make that stupid coq something, what you made one day. It was when we were eating and talking that I knew I had fallen in love with you. It scared the shit out of me. Took me time to process it, see if it was real." She sighed. "I don't know. All I knew was that I needed to tell you. We made plans that night." Spencer didn't like being in the kitchen. It wasn't really her thing. "I was proud of what I had made. I even put on that little black dress you liked, make up and hair done. Candles lit. Then I waited." She turned her attention back out to the city lights. "I tried calling, and nothing. Text, and nothing." She could feel her heart breaking all over again. "I dumped the food, changed and found myself on the couch. The remote dropped and when I went to grab it, that is when I saw your letter. It fell between the couch and side table." She didn't have to repeat what was in the letter. "I don't think I can ever forgive you for how you left. Everything I told you. I trusted you, and that meant a lot more than loving you."

Knox: was taken aback when she snapped at him. His eyes went wide and he felt frozen in his spot. As it began to get clear what she went through that night, how she'd made such an effort for a special night that he destroyed...he felt horrible. Knox let her finish and let the words hang in the air for a moment. Knox offered her his hand and waited. He gestured to the bench with his head and looked back at her, wanting her to come with him. Finally, once they were seated, he spoke. "Spencer, I had no idea that you were going to create such a special night for us." He held her hand and rubbed the back of it gently. "I've never been in love before, I've never been loved before. I had no idea you felt that way - and to be honest, I don't even know how I felt. I don't know what love feels like....but If it was anything close to what I felt for you, then wow." He reached up and cupped her cheek. "I was a wreck for the next month. I would wake up and smell your hair on the pillow beside me or see you in the shadows of the shitty apartment I was staying in, or hear your voice on the street. And like always, I had just missed my family by the time I got there. I never get attached to anyone because I never know when I'm going to leave. But, for a little while, I did think you could be my new home. Honestly, I didn't think that 6 months would be as important or create such strong feelings between two people. I had no choice, if I wanted to keep on their trail, I had to leave that night...and I still lost them. I followed them here and lost them again." he sighed. "I think I still would have left that night...but it would have been worse...or, I would've left while you slept. I don't know. I'll never know how it could have turned out. Babe, what would you have done if I tried to tell you that I was leaving because I got a tip on where my sisters and mom - who i hadn't seen in 20 years were...and that my abusive father, who very well might want to kill me and anyone I cared about...could be on my tail?" He asked with complete sincerity and open honesty. This was the most vulnerable Knox had ever been with her.

Spencer looked down at his hand before she took it and followed him over to the bench. The cold air didn't bother her, she already felt numb. It was the only thing getting her through this in one piece. She knew she hadn't even got to the last part. "We will never know what could have been." She leaned into his touch, trying not to let it get to her. She listened to what he had to say. She knew how important his family was to him. It hurt her that he couldn't tell her about them. She would have been nothing but supportive. "My dad wanted to meet you." She blurted out. More pieces of that night coming together. Her eyes closed and she took a deep breath. She opened her glossed eyes. "I would have gone with you." She stated bluntly. "I would have had done whatever I could have in my power to help you find your sisters and mom, and get rid of him." She was being honest. "Knox, " his name hung in the air for a moment, letting her eyes drift down to their hands held together. "I need you to let me let you go." She whispered. "I don't know how much longer I can take all of this eating me up on the inside." Her brows furrowed together, and she took her hand back. This was too much for her. "I love Atticus. It took him a lot of work to break me down after what happened between us. I even ran, because all I could think about was it happening again." She looked back up at him. "He came to Denver to fight for me. He found me." Even though she tried her hardest to find Knox. "He asked me to stay away from you." She chewed on the inside of her cheek.

Knox: It killed him that her dad wanted to meet him. His own father beat the shit out of him every chance he could get, and here was someone he'd never met who wanted to meet his little girl's boyfriend. "And that..." He said after her comment about leaving, "is why I had to leave the way I did. You deserve the world. You get to hang out with celebrities and run charity functions and live what can be a glamorous life, but even more than the parties and the money, you worked your ass off to get where you are, Spencer. I would never have let you throw it all away to run off with me. I've lived in 5 different states since I left you - that's no way for someone with a legitimate career to live." He held her face sweetly. "I need you to see that. Some how, fate did bring us to Denver at the same time, but you would've lost your job and the reputation you built up. You'd have ended up a waitress or something, and I couldn't have that on my shoulders. You'd end up resenting me. Baby, you got your fairytale ending. Your prince and your castle." He smiled softly. "I'm just as proud of you now - no, even more so, than when we were together. You were fuckin' scouted from across the country to turn their PR around, and look at you, you did it, you're killing it. You're going to end up owning a PR company or being the director of the department at a major company someday. I wouldve just held you back and fucked it all up. I need you to see that. Please. I left because I didn't want to risk my dad murdering you, or putting you in the hospital and framing me for it. And I didn't want you to throw your life and career away." He had opened his mouth to speak again but the words just came pouring out of her. It stung that Atticus wanted her to stay away from him. "I told you I would never try to get between the two of you, so I'll respect his wishes and keep away." He didn't bring up the fact that if the roles were reveresd, he wouldnt do this to her and tell her to keep away. "He sounds like a great guy, and I want you two to be happy. Honestly, who knows how much longer I'll be here anyway." He kissed her forehead. "For what it's worth...you're the only person I''ve ever opened up to. Then and now. What we had was special, and we'll always have that to be happy about. I've already let you go, you just needed to let yourself let us go. I'll even let you slap me if it'll make you feel better." He offered with a small smile, trying to lighten the mood. "I'll keep my distance, but I need you to see why I left, and not just the fact I did. If I didn't have such a fucked up life, I never would have. But, then I also never would have met you either." He stood up. "Do you want to be the one who walks away this time?" He said, hoping it would give her strength and the ability to reclaim the action and the situation. "All I ask for is a goodbye hug. But, I understand if that's a no."

Spencer never understood why her father wanted to meet him. Then there was that part of her that wanted her dad to meet Knox. She seemed to have a thing for guys a lot older than her. "I would have left with you. I would have been able to still do my job." She did believe her resources would have had the found. "I wish you would have been honest with me Knox. We could have found them. I know you wouldn't have wanted me to spend money, but the money means nothing to me." She was used to a certain lifestyle, but it didn't mean anything if she was lonely. That was an ugly thing to wake up to. "If I was a waitress and happy, then I would have been happy with you. No more on the past." The more she thought about it, the more it hurt. Her teeth sank down into her bottom lip and she smiled. It meant a lot that he was proud of her. "Nothing would have happened to me." She did believe that. "I know you wouldn't. He knows how this has messed me up, and I need to get him and I back to where we were." In some ways, the two of them were similar. "I am hoping once things are good. I am done with all these feelings, we could try being friends." It hurt hearing him say he had let her go. When he mentioned walking away, she forgot about the box." One second." She got up and went to grab the box, putting it on the bench. "Everything you have ever given me." Inside was the necklace, the red panda stuffy, dried daisy's from the first bunch of flowers, the little black dress, his black cotton shirt, the letter he had written her, plus a few other small items. Her eyes swelled up and her arms instantly wrapped around his neck when he stood up. "You'll always be important to me." She whispered, letting the hug linger a few moments. She pulled back, placing a kiss to his cheek. "I know we have to keep distance, but if you are in any trouble, call me." She could never turn her back if he was in trouble. Her eyes looked him over and she blinked back the tears. "Goodbye Knox." She turned and opted to take the stairs, disappearing when the door closed behind her.

Knox: slumped down on the bench looking through the box of things. He put the necklace on and made a mental note to donate the rest to charity. He folded up the old worn letter and put it in his pocket. One day, he'd give it to her again, but with a lighter to truly end that heartbreak. He gathered the box and took the elevator to give her space.

[desireeeotero-blog]

Thank you, next!

I’m going to do my mushy, uplifting, “I found ____ this year,” “2020 I’m coming for ya,” post now, instead of on NYE. BREAKIN THE CLICHE Y’ALL!!! 

This past year... was supposed to be “my year.” I made many plans for myself this year, but I also made many fails at bringing those plans to life - yikes. BUT IT’S OKAY! This year is an even more special attempt because its a new decade.. what better motivation than being able to step out of the last 10 years of bullshit?! 

This year has been a year of growth for me, and i’m not just talkin’ about my weight, y’all. Really, I’ve been growing since March of 2018, but strides were made this year. Strides that I didn't even realize were being made. I’ve always been super hard on myself and I never notice improvements within myself, but today it all hit me. 

I used to fight so hard for friendships or relationships. Okay- Ive ALWAYS gone above and beyond for the people I care about, BUT, with these I was trying even harder to make sure our friendships/relationships stayed in tact. I was ignoring the fact that I was the only person putting in any effort and in doing so, I didn't realize I was draining myself. I didn't realize that it would run me so thin.

This year I drifted away from a friend that I held very near and dear to my heart. A person I considered a best friend. Someone I once used to do everything with. The person I’d call just to tell them something funny I thought of or just to see what they were doing in that moment in time. After first I was pretty sad about it so I reached out yet again to make things right. Everything was fine for a month, then life happened and I got busy.  I got too busy to reach out every day and I realized, they weren't reaching out either. Just to see if they would at some point reach out, I didn't make any attempts. Not one attempt was made on their end. The sadness in me just started to disappear. I thought about it day to day, but only because I was questioning why it wasn't effecting me like it did before. Why was I actually not wondering what they were doing? Why did I not care to call and mend things like I always did? 

After some deep thinking, I realized that I wasn’t stressing myself out about whether or not I had called them today or why we hadn't spoken. I realized that what I once thought was a “friendship” was more of a burden. I felt.... free. Which is just so crazy to me because this is someone I would've went to the end of the world for. Someone I thought so highly of.... or at least I thought. Thinking back on it, it was more of me seeking approval from this person. I definitely got the 2 mixed up. 

I am not one to believe in horoscopes or mercury being in retrograde, but I am a firm believer in souls knowing their way. I strongly believe that we meet everyone for a reason. I’m not talking about the casual “oh hey whats up,”  I’m talking about the friendships/relationships we invest in. The ones that we put our energy and efforts into. I think that each friendship/relationship takes us on different roads that are in turn, leading us to our final destination. 

I hate hate HATE referencing my ex, but its honestly just such a prime opportunity to mention the lessons i’ve learned. If I wouldnt have dated my most recent ex, I would’ve never met some of the best friends I’ve met. I wouldn’t have found my worth, and I wouldnt have learned to let go of things that are consuming me. I’ve learned that I’m learning to handle things so differently and I love it. Certain scenarios i’ve recently faced that I’ve been incredibly mature and understanding of, are scenarios that I would've blown up and acted like a damn child about before.  Without drifting away from this friend, I wouldve never learned to be courageous and leap into the things I truly love because I was terrified of judgment. 

it’s crazy that we don't really realize the journey we’re on until we start making strides in the opposite direction. TAKE THAT LEAP! CUT OFF THOSE FRIENDSHIPS. LOSE THE SHITTY BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND! DO THINGS FOR YOU. It’s going to hurt like hell, but once you’ve healed, and I promise you will, it is the MOST FREEING FEELING you will ever feel. Your vision will become more and more clear. I never thought I would be happy after all I went through, because well, I thought that was my future. I thought that was supposed to be my happy. Once I decided to let go and breathe, I started to see more clear.  I started realizing things more and more and I started my journey in the RIGHT direction. Contrary to what people say, BURN THE DAMN BRIDGE. If it’s something or someone that is meant to be in our life, the bridge will be rebuilt and will be more sturdy than ever. I’ve rebuilt a bridge this year, and it has been the best bridge I’ve ever crossed again. 

Taking my past and using it as lessons of growth has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I look at what used to hurt me, and I use it to fuel me. This year I am so incredibly thankful for the past relationships and friendships that I fought so hard for. I’m thankful for the life lessons they gave me and that they led me to where I am today.

PLEASEEEEEEEEEE please please stop bringing yourself down because you don’t know where you want to be in life. because you’re hurt from your past or even something currently.  Know that some of the people you hold dear to your heart are not meant to be in your life forever. We need to keep in mind that sometimes in order for people to grow closer, they need to grow alone. Sometimes people grow in different directions and thats okay! Because if they are meant to be in your life, you will both grow towards the same destination in the end. Know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be at this exact moment in time, with the exact people you are meant to be on this journey with. 

[incoherentlynonexistent-blog]

Unfortunate Outcome

Amazing how one person can change everything.....incredible as that same person becomes somebody they swore and promised to never become.....funny how you believed them, and the unfortunate outcome is the consequences you suffer because you trusted their word over everyone and everything....

It's so degrading...to now be where you're at only because you believed in something that wasnt ever real...

Hurtful to actually feel the loneliness kick in.....

Depressing to remember how little of an importance you were to them....

Unwilling to heal and move on because how do you pick yourself up after consistently being there for someone then for it to become abandoned and forgotten.....

It's the Unfortunet outcome to their mishaps that led me to becoming helpless and needy.

Sad thing is, I don't even know what it is that i want

Idk what I need....

I know I dont need this constant bullshit

Unfortunetly because I had so much hope and expectations

Its stupid to look back and realize how naive and oblivious I used to be

Now I guess they can say I made my own mess when they're the ones who lied and ridiculed me because I was drug along for so long

The most unfortunate thing about this is the outcome. Despite how much "better" they find this to be, I won't ever be able to be better....yea I have my good days, but even those arent good.....

Doesnt matter where they go

Doesnt matter the time they let slip by

Hell it doesn't matter what they do .

In still feeling the same things

I doubt ill ever have anything to help me endure this

I live everyday waiting still

I go about each day hoping anyone would love to be here again

I literally feel myself slipping

I'm already dead because of them

Added with how I'm still feeling

I'm not sure of this feeling will subside

It's all mind consuming

I can't just stop about this

It's the one thing that no-one understands

The reason why I'm like this

The answer is simple

Given the empty promises and then being just thrown way like yesterdays garbage

I'm miserable with this unfortunate outcome.....

I didnt get closure

Instead I get the only thing that's never changed

Them leaving my life.....

Something promised against but in the end

They all prove to be the same person that leff you to begin with ......

It's hard living and feeling like this

I have no faith

I don't have confidence

I'm trying to find a purpose

But I can't get far or enough to cease the memories....

They're just haunting to me now...

Only because of how and what I've done

You really think I can just magically become better

No.

It's not possible unless you actually are willing to be here

Or unless you actually gave me the closure I've been desiring

Until I'm given that

I will not get better.

I will not heal

This unfortunate outcome will be my life sentence

This isn't what I what wanted

None of this is

I don't want the depression

I dont care for the desire.

I just want to feel happy again.

I want a reason to actually smile and feel good about myself......

I just wished someone would hear me out

After asking for three years now...

I cant just move on

God Damn it man

If they only knew just how bad I really am

I wonder if things would be different....

I wonder if anyone wouldve left....

I just want someone to be here for me

Irs not ever been about my sex life or being in a relationship

My goal was to only be around the people who want to be here

Maybe ive beckne to fucked up to obtain that chance again

Unfortunate outcome is me being treated in such manner when the pupils who inflicted all that hurt and damage are the ones at fault for me becoming this way. They shut me out because I'm still fucked up over it. I was the original victim that became traumatized and untrusting, but I wouldnt be this irritable bitter suicidally depressed person that's unwilling to move on if it weren't for their actions.

I don't trust anybody any more

I don't even crack a smile

You know who you are

The person im addressing anyway ..

I hope you're happy

I hope you feel accomplished at what you created

With the unfortunate outcome that you refuse to have anything to do with what you started and fucked up numerous times......it leaves me like this.....

Idk how else to stress this fact

Because I cant get that little bit of respect....

When I shouldn't have been involved anyway

I should've walked away

I should've listened to the voice in my head

"Don't worry on going to the laundry mat

If I'd knew then what I knew now

I would've never showed up

I would have never existed

But its thanks to you ive gotten like this

Thanks to you I sit all day every day for the past few years pondering about whats wrong with me

Why am I not wanted. Why does everyone leave....see that's the difference between us, you're the one who does all the leaving. I linger because I believe in equal opportunity especially when so much effort was put into it in the first place. I believe in those who remain loyal and true on their word, but you seem to still believe in empty promises. You're using you're ears to see and you're eyes to hear. You're the most cruel and cold hearted creature. Not human.....because with human emotion, I couldnt do what you do, I cant lead them on, shut them out, I cant make someone feel like their the one for me, but then shut them down and out when the one I want is around. I will never understand you're selfish decisions and with how you know youve done wrong but you still don't bother to change.

Maybe I've become an unforgivable asshole, but that's the unfortunate outcome when someone so heartless just takes you for granted then you're the bad guy for not only reacting actually a little more civil than you should've, but because god knows whatever words come from my posts or even texts, god forbid they remind you consistently of what you've done. Everything I am and everything I do now is because of you..

Days I'm angry, I blame you

Days I'm depressed, It's your fault

Days I cut, blamed you because just the little bit of open honesty wouldve prevented me cutting myself, but only to relieve that pain that I cant get out through crying.

Its the pain that makes your chest ache and have the urge to just scream in agony. Its that lodged in lump that swells in your chest when everything that was promised, shared, and enjoyed together now sets this darkened, and dead look to it. I find myself shying away from every and any little thing that you had any relations to. My music has changed. My faith in life itself is nonexistent. Ive become so angry and bitter, that I am constantly snappy.

It doesnt matter how angry I were to get with anyone else, because every one probably tells you I'm fine.....

I'm not fine

Im not ok

I'm suffocating myself

Its hard to not still be bitter....

How can I not still be angry when you left once again.....ive been irrational and disrespectful, but I never thought that this unfortunate outcome would involve me getting worse....I figured at some point within these four years .....I figured you wouldve not done this so much that I'm probably permanently fucked up....I mean fucking look at me...have you ever seen anyone so pathetic and humiliating?....

Loving someone is so beautiful but sad, because when you fall for someone, there's some part of you that breaks too, its gone for ever because its with that person you wanted to give your whole heart to, but they'll only always have what's actually left of you. For some reason being in that persons presence or just respected enough to be even thought about by them, makes life worth living even if I were to spend it alone. Its not because you lack feelings or really the past that I held over your head....I just wanted for someone to finally treat me differently.....

You wound up treating me the same

This is my unfortunate outcome

Its been a battle especially the last two years

I've never in my life have I ever felt so much pain

Ive never loved anyone as much as I love you

The unfortunate outcome for you is me being gone when you want to come back

I already know how it's to be

Its why I never understood you

But I still kept trying to

Maybe that was my mistake

Because my unfortunate outcome is the distance between us and how little I've meant within the last couple years....idk myself what you could ever do to make things better.....

Unfortunate outcome is what's done is done....

Its ruined

We're ruined

Were gone....

The end....

Hope you're doing well.....

Sorry for being impulsive and annoying

I'm sorry for being a fucked up mess.

Wishing you a lifetime of happiness....

Wishing you luck on your endeavors

Ill miss you

I have been already

Life just won't ever be the same. I just know if it was went about differently I would be able to handle the sudden blocked phone and Tumblr better than what I am now. I'm wasting mt time is the sad thing because I'm sire you're thought is why if I'm to be the way I was before, well, it would be nice to have at least that wanting to talk to me or even asking things sbout my life. I literally have been wanting to fit in, and I'm sorry I tried to get in your way. I'm sorry for being this way period.....in sorry I can't bring myself to be better.....I literally feel like I have no other place to go or anything to do.....I should be doing soemthing with my life, bur in not.....only bevause I spend every day trying to avert seeing or even tbe chance to see you kr anything related to you That will rip my chest right then and there.

It's those things I want to feel better about.....I want to be able to see you without getting so severely depressed. That's the last unfortunate outcome, because of that, how I feel.....I think it's best if we just never saw each other ever again......Obviosuly you're already on that route but if that's really what you want, then you really will not ses me ever again. I mean you can scream yell my name. I will not look at any part of you.....I'm prudent because maybe youre right, just sticking with avoiding them, and I guess you do lose some feeling. I hate being like this. Idk what else to do. I dont need your help. I need your understanding. I dont need to be questioned, at least at what I'm doing, because idk anymore.....I get flustered easily because my mind stays so caught up on you that I fuck up everything I touch or work on.....then it goes back to the angry blaming you thing.....never ending......so how can I get better? What do I do? You just left. You didn't leave a note, you didnt say goodbye, and of all things I've ever done for you, you never helped my unfortunate outcomes...you rejected me time and time again.

I just idk how to be ok.....

I just feel like I'm losing touch with my existence

As in because you live in my mind so much I try to avoid that too....I've become a blank spaced emotionless robot....I'm depressed but I look solemn. I then break soon as I snap.....I'm getting worse.....idk its so hard to put into words. I just feel myself losing control over everything including my decisions.....

Whether you believe me or not.....I don't care to convince you anymore. Honestly I'm not even doing that now. I just needed to get what I could out....atleast While its flowing....well it was....I think I explained the best I could and linked the way I think...

Respond or don't respond

Respectfully, I'm refraining from tagging your blog name in the post. If you see it and or read it then its actually ok if you don't ever speak to me again.....I mean you're the one in charge and I know if you don't soeak first, then there's just nothing left to do but just hope you enjoy life.

Take care of yourself Kourt.....thanks for everything.....

[unicornninjabitch]

Me to my therapist: No I’ve been doing really well :)

Me to strangers on the internet who dont give a fuck: Yo guess who’s having a depressive episode?! It’s me bitches

Here’s a secret, I’m a shitty person. I’ve hurt people that no amount of apologies could help. I wish I could’ve ended somethings on better terms than I did and I wish I could erase myself from some people’s lives cause all I did was fuck them over. I know this and I like to think if given the opportunity I could give them the apology they deserve cause, believe it or not, I’m a fucking disaster. I don’t want to sound like an Edgelord™, but I really am a fucking mess. I could blame the childhood I had or my own issues and you know those might be part of it, but I also know I’m basically always smashing my self-destruct button. I know I run from good things cause for so long my life motto was “Leave before you’re left” cause everyone left. My dad, uncles, aunts, cousins, best friends, my mom, exes, everyone left me behind at some point. For years I refused to call anyone my best friend because they all disappeared. Hell one of them left cause I didn’t have feelings for him and I blamed my fucking self. I told myself for months “If you just pretended you could’ve liked him” like that would be fair to either of us. For fucks sake even my middle school relationships I ended when they were good because I was terrified I’d get hurt. The only relationship I didn’t fucking run from was the one where I got cheated on like 3 times cause I was a dumbass freshman who thought some boy really changed for me. For gods sake I still get put on edge when people say nice things about me cause for so long nice things always came with a but or some kinda favor that needed to get done. I don't even ask my family to help me with a bunch of things cause that meant I owed them and owing people was a place I didn’t ever want to be (especially financially)

I think what it comes down to might be I’m scared to let myself be happy cause being happy was always followed by something terrible following it like if I stay alone and depressed then I can’t ever be let down. I know that’s a terrible way to approach life and it’s not healthy and I wish I could say I’m working on it, but I don’t know how to take that out of me. I think I’ve always been that way though, well at least a good portion of my life. I thought being abandoned was normal, but then I had friends and they would talk about their families. Their families were fucking great, they had their parents and the biggest complaint was their curfew or how they always had to sit down together to eat and a HUGE part of me kinda hated them. They had no idea what I would have gave for that, for a happy family, a normal family that were there for each other and consistent, for parents who didn’t start screaming the second they made eye contact. Here they were with the nerve to complain and I know I didn’t know everything about their home lives but it didn’t stop me from being angry or sad or deflecting every question about my family. And this shit all went down before my depression really started up can you believe that?! Like at least 2 years before and it just got fucking worse. I got sadder and angrier as the years went on cause my parents fought more (and i swore a divorce wouldve helped this but nope) and they still complained about curfews and sleepovers and dinners and what was baby Alex up to? Baby Alex was trying to keep a broken house from completely shattering and working and playing the messenger and being the middle man and parenting and being too grown up for a fucking 12 year old, so I stayed away from everyone and I delt with everything by taking it on myself. It wasn’t good, I’d hit myself and skip meals thinking if I got skinny I’d be pretty and refusing to sleep and cutting up my wrist and I probably did other dumb shit too.

Man and 8th grade was just the start of my eating issues, actually maybe it was 4th, but whatever. Okay so the 4th grade parts more one kid called me fat so I swore off breakfast and to this day I can’t eat till I’ve been awake for at least 2 hours. Then 8th grade there were days I’d only eat chips for lunch, but 9th grade was by far the worst. Okay 9th grade picture this you’ve been called fat since basically 4th grade and a lot of your 8th grade year your dad keeps saying “Oh you should eat better. You need to be more active” shit like that and you keep going on “family diets” plus the everyday self hate of being a teenager and society's beauty standards you cant meet. One day in the beginning of 9th grade I was really hating my body so I decided I’d go on a diet, so of course I downloaded an app and stared at pictures of skinny people with hip bones poking out and thigh gaps. However this app wasn’t worried about exercise or healthy food, but instead just calorie intake (see the problem already?) I thought if I keep the calorie intake below what the app says I lose more weight and faster. My daily eating schedule was a 90 calorie gatorade, half of a pb&j, half a carton of chocolate milk, and the smallest portion of dinner I could get (sometime with lunch I’d eat exctly 6 fries), but I mostly drank diet green tea and ice water. Each week I gave myself one “cheat day” where I ate whatever the fuck I wanted, but even then I tried to limit myself. I got called anorexic a lot at lunch because of how carefully I cut my food and pushed the remainder away from me. It was mostly kids joking and I mostly laughed it off or flipped them off cause I didn’t care they were joking. Until one day a friend offered me half his gatorade, so I took it drank some and put into the app how much I drank to which he said “Holy shit you really count your calories?” so I shrugged him off just like so what it’s not like I’m doing anything dangerous. Now mind you somedays my calorie intake was down to like 500 and the average for me at that time was like 1000 maybe (i dont remember its been a long time but it wasnt healthy). What stopped this you ask? Well I was talking to my mom one day and I was proud cause I lost like 15 pounds and a friends mom noticed (she asked if I was sick) and I noticed and I was just really proud, but my mom just said I was like obsessed, which looking back I was but at that time I was so pissed cause I didnt think I was. Then I stopped for a little, but it started up once I noticed I was gaining weight back. Then my mom had a miscarriage and got really depressed so she stayed with her boyfriend at the time who lived like 6 hours away. Food became like a huge thing, I ate a lot of junk food everyday cause I felt guilty. At that time me and my mom were butting heads a lot for whatever reasons and I was in the room with her when she learned the baby’s heartbeat stopped. I of course told her I was okay and didnt cry cause I wanted to be strong for her since she wa a mess, but I was like totally numb inside and totally blamed myself. (Now I logically know it wasnt my fault but I still feel like it was somehow if that makes sense?) Now my moms gone for the first time in my life, I’m with my dad who at this point I still can’t stand, my brothers are fighting a lot, I’m still distancing myself from friends, I’m dating a total douchebag, and it was just a lot for me, so I just constantly comfort ate cause I didn’t know how to talk about these issues to anyone.

Now back track to me saying I’m s hitty person, I was dating this guy and I loved him, I really dd, but I was scared. My last relationship was awful and bad and no one deserves that kind of relationship, but nonetheless I start dating this guy and it wasn’t healthy, I dont think. We were on and off for a while,I picked fights cause I was always told fightings normal in relationships, but we didn’t ever fight and I thought relationship fights were screaming and crying and slamming doors and shit like that cause that’s all I knew. Eventually we were together straight for about 6 months (I think all together it was about 9 months) and they were good for the most part, we may have moved too fast and planned forever too soon, but we were happy and didn’t care cause we loved each other. Then we broke up for good and I regretted it for a long time and we still talked convinced we could be friends after swearing we’d get married and other shit, but it didn’t work that way, so after about a year of us talking to each other scared to let go and move on and shit we finally said what we’re doing isnt good and we have to go separate ways. I was still miserable for awhile cause a part of me still loved him and maybe a part of me always will, but we unfollowed each other on everything and I think for myself I blocked him to make sure I didn’t do anything dumb.

After I like healed or whatever I dated this girl, she was fucking awesome, cute as hell, funny, just great and we were together not long but I had strong feelngs for her, but the Gender Crisis™ came and I didn’t know how to tell her what was going on so I told her I had some shit to figure out and we broke up and I immediately blocked her everywhere cause I didn’t want to hurt her like I did with that guy,and maybe it was dumb to do it that way, but I didn’t know how else to do it.

The moral of this is I’m awful, I do this shit at least once every summer, and idk how to talk about my issues in any other way than to word vomit to strangers on the internet.

[futanaritalizorah]

The more i know...the less i wanna write...cause here i am with answers to offer you...but... Knowing all this leaves ME with more questions...that will remain unanswered. This blog wasnt intended to spill out secrets... If you remember, it was initially a blog for both of us to share things we loved...or would love...we used to share artwork on this blog...but now its to express my emotions and...of my love for you...that never really went away but grew stronger.... But its a bleeding heart...and its rare...and i want it to heal....cause idk what we are...i dont even know if you think of me as a friend.... Granted, i blocked you on fb...but it was because it hurt to see you surround yourself by people (yep, plural...)that tell you one thing but tell me another...there are some genuine keepers there but a couple just...talk to you to gossip and not to listen to you.... I know im your friend: *i* will always hold dear memories of you and i will *always* be here if you need me...be it 3 months or 3 years from now if you need someone...no matter how long we havent talked...i will be here to lend a hand or we can just be quiet together cause....sometimes there are just no words... One of the things i learned was that...just spending quiet time with you...was enough...the silence used to make me uncomfortable...but you were around and you didnt shut me out...and you just needed silence at the time....as long as i could just hold you tighter when your words were failing you and you were pushing away more....from depression....i just wanna hold you tighter and kiss your forehead...and rub your upperback underneath your tshirt....no word uttered... But with that being said...i dont know what i am to you...its been unclewr for the past 6 months...a friend ig, a friend in rl, an ex gf, someone you care about, someone you dont wanna care about... Ik youre depressed but...its no excuse to treat anyone this way...i just wish i knew...just one thing... I know youre depressed but some...clarity would be nice...to help someone move forward....but sometimes i think you dont want me to move forward....idk...i dont know.... I just wish i knew if you care for me at all... Its easier to believe the "rumors" of people telling me you wished i was gone or would fuck off...but youve done your own share of hanging out with me...and youve done your own share of protecting me too... I just...want clarity...even the words..."i dont know how i feel cause i cant connect to you emotionally cause i cwnt even connect to mine" would help....that ring a bell? Yep...its...the reason why we broke up...that was the reason...im just wondering if thats really why we broke up anymore....or if it was me... I feel hated....with what everyones telling me about what you said...BUT when you interact with me...its so different from how you interact with others...we have genuine talks...no meme talks....god knows ive learned enough memes from connor...but we have conversations like we used to when we would just lay down next to eqch other in bed....not even conversations youve had with others... you still tell me your fears...and stuff youve improved on...and trust me that was difficult for you to express 6 months ago...you still open up to me cody... So i see wjhat people say....but how you act...i see you want distqnce feom me...but i see you gravitate towards me...and open up to me naturqlly.... your actions show me you care and dont want to see me hurt...if you mqde me guess...id say youre guarded...imo lies spread faster than the truth so...i believe we still care for each other....maybe i dont need an answer as to if you still love me always...ik we're gonna be good friends...we've been friends for YEARS...we're gonna be friends for a lifetime....but sometimes a girl needs to know if you CARE Cause you brought up children and weddings and...i was more than willing to move to the east coast...we talked about living in buffalo, what we would want for our children, when we would have children, ...we touched a lot of subjects...i just need to know if im that girl anymore...i dont thimk youve wver gone this serious with anyone else...you wont have the answers now...but one day i hope you get clarity...you sift through ut qll and see the grnuinr truth behind all i did... But my heart will need a break...from its heart strings being tugged one too many times from people who chose to...involve themselves or...feom you...from pushing me away and pulling me back...im not saying this was one sided...god knows i had my own issues leaving...mqinly because i wanted to know youre ok.... But i will always wonder...if you still love me...and care for me like thqt night you visiter in PA...that hug you gave me when i got off the bus...i just keep remembering how you couldnt believe it was happening....and your hands were trembling... I cant ask this of you when youre trying to find yourself....but i hope, if its in the cards, that you come back to me....when youve straightened up...no more mind games....to talk...and get clarity... I wouldve loved to be on this journey with you but...with the lifestyle you had back in VA...YOU need more control of your life... I feel like you thought i was controlling because you projectee your home life to me...i never told you to tqke medicine cody...in fact i didnt give you an answer at all...i simply said id stand by your decision... I made you pick up old habits (drums, keyboard, editing, reconnecting with old friends) but....cody dont hate me for that...yknow it was at your best interest.... So yes i feel as if you are projecting your home life (your mom.wnd sis told you to tqke meds and theyre always on you about cleaning up) to me...its convenient...but thats not the truth...i think we both remember the last week of our break up VERY differently... I remember you throwing up constqntly....me worried sick about you not eating but constantly throwing up...having chest pain...neck pain...just a lot of pain....if that week was torture for you...it was hell for me...cause im here helpless and i cant do shit.... Ik i wasnt personally experiencing all that but...i love you so much that distance had nothing to dull the pain away. I didnt like seeing you under wo much pain and stress. If you know me at all, ill blame myself for it. I didnt wanna see you hurting...i couldnt stand it...im a fucking medical field for christ sake...i dont wanna see you hurt...physically or emotionally...or mentally... Its why all i wanna do here on out...is take your shoes and socks off when you get home...you know why...i meant it when i said i would.... But thats...what i wish i had answers to...but i wont expect too much...if i cant get answers now...or ever...sigh... Right now i just...want us to get better...yes, us. Im not perfect cody. I need to improve as well. Hope you eat your 3 meals little dipper...i told you how depression affects your hormones and you dont think youre hungry....and thatll in turn affect your sleep schedule...im not controlling...i care. Take cwre of your body. Feed it properly. Itll help you mentally at the same time.