#so it wasnt necessarily one person at fault

[imflyinoveryou]

i wish i could go back in time and be there for myself like jesus christ, i just re-read the letter i sent to someone who literally didn't deserve anything from me and fuuuuck that poor kid needed someone real bad. i love you little me

[d6volution]

im a need a cain x reader smut, but like the reader can get in heat since there a type of animal i dont know what animal you can choose one. so like the reader chooses caine to release their thung idk i was thinkinh about it and now im trhiving to jhave it written so ofcourse i came to my fav writers inbox

i get it! im not the best at writing heat fics (i dont think??) but i tried 🤧

Caine/Cat Hybrid!Reader

(afab parts)

tags: bondage, reader in heat, man handling

minors dni | nsfw below the cut.

It had been years in this digital world, and with every new person to enter Jax was  always the only anthropomorphic animal to be in the circus. Until you came along, cat like ears sprouted from your head and tail protruding from where your tailbone should be.

Of course the other members either reacted in awe, or just didn't really care. Or some in between like Jax who loved pulling at your ears and tail as it usually made you squeak like a toy.

Even Caine wasnt immune to your cuteness it seemed, he'd make the odd comment about your apperance here and there but it was always positive. Maybe that's why you chose him..? Or maybe it was because he was the showrunner, he had power and could protect you and ... your young. That's usually the things mates would looked for..? Right? Damn it you didn't know. You were human before all this was completely new to you. But your body didn't care, this.. heat cycle hit you like a sack of bricks. You'd been holed up in your room for a few days now, ignoring the knocks at your door.

Lest you jump on the person on the other side of the door and beg them to fuck you until you can't remember your name.

You thought maybe after taking care of yourself this .. feeling would go away but no, you came on your fingers several times but it wasn't close to being enough. It was like you were losing yourself to this feeling, all you could think about was being filled..

In the haze of your thoughts Caine came to mind again, you knew his opinion on things like this but you had to try. Something.. anything, and pray that in the process to getting to his room you wouldn't run into anyone else..

A few moments later when you got the resolve to finally peek out of your room you moved as quickly as you could in your state, luckily remembering the path to the ringmasters quarters. A big grand red door was at the end of the hall and you tugged at the door but it didn't budge.

"C.. Caine.. ? You there..?" Your voice sounded pathetic, dripping with need. A soft mewl even escaped your lips in frustration.

It felt like a century until you felt eyes on you, but.. from behind you. It was Caine just floating there, in the same confusion as yourself. "C.. Caine? Why aren't you in your room?" Your senses were going ballistic now, it cried for you to present yourself to him. Beg for him to take you right here and now.

"Simple, my dear! I don't sleep! This room is merely a prop of sorts!" He retorted, "Are.. you alright, y/n? You're looking a little, under the weather." He seemed to actually be concerned, and you started squirming.

"N.. No I need.." Your ears flattened out of embarrassment, tail wrapping around your leg for self comfort. "need.." Your voice trailed off, "... s'your fault Caine.. you made me like this..!"

"Now, now, calm down y/n I don't necessarily get to choose your new bodies—!" You cut him off by pawing at his leg, clinging to it to keep him in place. He tried to keep his balance.

"Please Caine.. need you.." You nuzzled at his leg, then moved up his thigh trying to nuzzle at his crotch as the smell of him was inviting you. "T.. This is hardly appropriate, let's *ahem* get you inside." Caine looked both ways to assure no one had saw you two. He then scooped you up by the waist, holding you like luggage and carrying you inside his room.

As soon as you two were in the room he dropped you onto the bed unceremoniously.

Caine tugged at his tie and allowed it to loosen up, "Well, now. What to do with you." He snapped his fingers and you were bound to the bed in a very lewd manner, knees bent and pressed at your chest being held by red ropes that seemed to match his suit. "C... Caine wha.." You whimpered, tears forming in your eyes as he seemed to just be toying with you.

"Tsk, tsk this won't do at all! You're making a mess of your clothes!" And now they were gone too, you instinctively pulled your binds helplessly. "Please.." You whined, not knowing exactly what you were pleading for.

"Yes, yes.. I think I know what's happening to you, now be patient dear! I'm breaking many a rule for you, y'know!" He said, now appearing suddenly in between your legs , two gloved fingers delving into your cunt suddenly. "Hhck..!" Your ears pointed straight up out of shock and your body moved against the binds again, "Come now you can handle this!"

"N.. Not that.. need.. you inside.. please.." Your cunt was senstive sure, but it was more frustrating that he was using his fingers, "Please Caine.. breed me.." Your words made him swallow and he had to compose himself. He was only doing this because he had to, he couldn't have to wandering off and trying to pounce on anyone else!

He pulled himself from his pants, he didn't realize until now that his cock was straining against them a few moments ago. You desperately wanted to present yourself to him, spread your cunt and open your legs but he had you tied up like some kind of animal.

His tip nudged at your cunt, the slick causing him to slip past your hole a few times. You mewled and bucked your hips a little as if to encourage him.

Another thrust and he buried himself completely inside of you, your cunt swallowing him up immediately, it was like he was made for you. You were made for each other. "Ngh.. there we go, stubborn little thing.." He said with a grunt, hovering over your body. 

He was finally inside of you and your body begged you not to let him go, not until he came inside of you at least three or four times at least! "Caine.. more .. mn.." He felt like you were calm enough to get rid of the bindings so he did, snaping his fingers and they seemed to fade away into the air.

Your legs immediately wrapped around him, tugging him closer.

"How impatient, very well then. Hold tight my dear," He said, hands planted on the sides of your head as he started to move his hips, rocking into your cunt. Your eyes fluttered shut, ear twitching a little as a soft purring sound rumbled in your chest.

His thrusts picked up speed quickly, you were responding so well to them that he was slowly beginning to loose himself as well. Family friendly? Behind the doors of his room that would have to disappear from now on. "Nh.. thats right.. to keep everyone.. in check!" His words matched the rhythm of his heavy thrusts.

"Hha.. Caine, caine..!" You cried out, legs tugging him closer, "N.. Need your cum.. make me pregnant p-please..!"

His hips stuttered a little, your words seemed to be getting to him whether he liked it or not. He shoved two fingers into your mouth to keep you quiet so he could focus. How distracting your dirty mouth could be was impressive. Your moans and cries were muffled, saliva dirtying his gloves.

Caine put his full weight behind his thrusts , your smaller form quite literally being fucked into the mattress. "Nnhg, almost there, y/n..! Be a dear and a cum with me." He said in a mocking voice, his hand removing itself from your mouth and instead pushing your lower stomach. Adding more pressure to your already stuffed cunt.

"Gh..hhaa.. Caine, cu.. cumming.. cumming..!" You yelped and clung to him, legs keeping him locked in so he couldn't pull away from you. He'd be force to fill your cunt to the brim. "Inside.. fill me up..!" Your tongue lulled past your lips , cunt clamping down on his dick as you hand a nearly blinding orgasm.

Caine couldn't help it, your cunt was practically milking him and he spilled into your cunt without a second thought. Though he didn't seem at all out of breath.

"Well that sure was.. something.." Caine noted, his dick still twitching inside of you as the last few spurts of cum filled your stuffed cunt.

You panted, looking up at him with half lidded eyes, a lewd smile painting your lips. "Caine.. m'not done.. need more.."

Did he really think one round would be enough?

[twistedlovelines]

Oh? Love boners over getting their nails painted due to the loving casual intimacy?

That's so cute and endearing

Do you have any headcanons on who is most likely? I wonder who feels embarrassed or who might try to see where things go.

I agree that riddle, deuce and Idia would be the vibe for this one. I'm not sure for who else... Would love to hear who else you think would fit and the headcanons for them

I don't know if nail painting would necessarily be it for Jamil but I bet for Jamil his thing is a scalp/head massage and working out the knots and tension in his shoulders and neck. Lots of stress and physical work leave his muscles tense. Something about trusting you enough to let him relax and also the physical and emotional relief of touch and all that.

ITS SO SICKENING , , , soemthing about how carefully amd lovingly you're treating treating them , , , some of them aren't used to such care and it Shows akbsjdb 😭 genuinely i want to write a deuce thing where you make him jetk off with his painted nails its so aksbsjsb

I feel like Idia would be the most likely to get a love boner while ur painting his nails simple because he isn't used to the warmth of another person Period . and here you are, holding his hands so reverently, stroking over his fingers as you file down his nails??? he wasn't prepared for such a difficult battle so soon in the relationship (its been 8 months and you've already had sex). you really do have to be stern with him a bit so he keeps his hands still though- he fidgets with his najls a lot so its gonna be difficult if you want him to stay still long enough to get even coats on his nails QWQ

Deuce and riddle obvs get love boners as well, but neither of them will admit it because its so embarrassing aksbjs. ur not even touching them sexually and yet...deuce would be the most likely to accidentally expose himself but its up to you whether or not you'll take him right then and there , , , he's willing to wait until you're done but he'll refuse to look at you lest he get tempted 😭😭😭. he respects your work <3

lowk i think ace would get one too akbdsKEHSH. he's only had one gf in the past and even then it wasnt a steady one. he's not Nearly as used to this level of intimacy, despite what he tells the other first years ;( he 100% snarks about how this is a weird way of holding his hand but when you're solely focused on getting the heart motif Just Right he gets a half chub 😭 it's not his fault!! you just look so focused and you're touching his hands and he wishes so badly you were focused on something else 😭. will try to instigate things and will succeed depending on how firm you are/how badly you want to finish the set 😭😭

and agreeee <3 jamil doesnt care much for nail polish besides keeping his nails neat but the feeling of ur nails scratching his scalp is <33 acrylics are rlly fun for that tbh!! he's not used to someone else doing things for him or anything like that, so he treasures the time you soend together, esp when you massage his sore muscles and let him talk shit <33

[writingpuddle]

just had to say, i loved your tags on that post about the upperclassmen and how they treat kevin/andrew/neil. fandom tends to work on this "they're all assholes" beliefs, and it's not necessarily untrue. but i think people tend to forget just how unlikeable kevin and andrew are from the upperclassmens perspective. i think people also forget the upperclassmen didn't just blindly love neil. for all his faults, like you said, he was pretty chill. he was much easier to get along with and it helped massively that unlike kevin/andrew he actually wanted to make a connection with the upperclassmen.

im glad my tags resonated with you! i have this half-cooked thesis that maybe one day i'll get around to fleshing out about the difference between individual responsibility and collective responsibility that i always think about when i see this conversation pop up--something about how yes, we as a society have a responsibility to people who have been harmed to try and help them recover, but that responsibility doesnt actually apply to every individual person. in this case, the idea that wymack founded the foxes (an institution) in order to help people move forward and build a future doesnt mean that every individual involved in the foxes has to invest all their energy in that same goal. in fact its pretty wild to expect every beneficiary of a service to simultaneously provide it to those around them.

the institution has to be be fair, has to provide help independent of some arbitrary category of 'deserving' but individuals...dont have to do that. every fox signed on to escape their own nightmare, not to help fix the other foxes. the upperclassmen have no responsibility to reach out to kevin and andrew when they have been so hostile in return. wymack has to, because he made a commitment to doing so. the upperclassmen didnt.

and as you said--the question of why the upperclassmen were nicer to neil is straightforwardly answered by he wasnt mean to them. he was sometimes unnecessarily blunt or rude (if we got what we deserved we wouldnt be foxes) but he was also the one who gave them awed compliments when he first started playing with them. he was the one who said we can win this. he was the one who shut kevin up when he started to be negative.

he was easy to like. part of that was intentional on his part--not that he was intentionally being likeable, but he was trying to portray himself to be less antagonistic than he really is. he tells us quite explicitly that he is portraying 'neil' to be meeker than his natural instincts, so he hangs out with the upperclassmen and is mostly at least neutral in terms of social hangouts and when it comes to exy he is extremely positive. and despite his occasional snaps at the upperclassmen, he actually rarely lashes out when its not deserved. his temper is reserved for riko and people who support him. kevin and andrew lash out at the upperclassmen in their own ways, and avoid them in many other circumstances, for reasons that are often obscure without neils insider knowledge. it isnt morally wrong to like someone who is easier to be around.

'why are they nicer to neil' because neil was nicer to them. thats how human interaction works. doesnt mean andrew and kevin didnt deserve help--but the person to provide that was the person who made a commitment to do it, not the people who just happened to be--effectively--their coworkers.

to sum up: everyone deserves human decency from everyone, but not everyone deserves friendship from everyone.

i guess--i dont want to get too antagonistic about this myself, because i actually doubt that many people have super simplistic views on this topic, theres just the occasional oversimplified post that gains a bit of traction. but i do think theres also a very fascinating tendency for people to try and make aftg into a neat didactic story about reaching out to people to understand them because neil reached out to andrew and it worked (and arguably saved both of them). but aftg isnt didactic. its not a prescription for how to behave. its made up. in real life, if i met andrew and it wasnt my job to help him, i would avoid him like the plague. sorry. i love him as a fictional character and i love him because i know his story but holy fuck i would not spend a minute in his company if i didnt have to.

friendship isnt social work. emotions arent activism. the upperclassmen didnt owe andrew and kevin their sympathy or their time just because they were traumatized. you cant control peoples emotional reactions to how they are treated. kevin and andrew treated them badly. neil largely didnt. thems, as they say, the breaks.

[keepthedelta]

I'm feeling a little stir in the breeze that smells like a little curiosity for kimi (raikkonen, I hate that I have to specify because he's too iconic to need the last name, he should be like Cher, or Madonna, or Vale).

But I wasnt around to watch the earlier races, what was he like when he was actually racing. I've read about the level of skill and how he managed to fight and win from the back of the grid and how he came in a post schumacher era of racing etc, and then he won and things started sliding backwards. Even read somewhere that he was an alcoholic.

Since you're an actual race enjoyer who's been around for a while I wanted to ask what you think of him, or any interesting anecdotes that highlights his sporting mindset, was he a unique talent in any way.

honestly this is a really tough one because kimi is so difficult to truly define. in my opinion he is one of the greatest racing drivers who has ever lived. his talent and ability far exceeded the number of races and championships he won.

early kimi especially in his mclaren era was unlike anything else i've ever seen. he was so fast and so skilled, his car wasn't necessarily the best one on the grid, this was during the height of schumacher and ferrari's reign, but he pushed it to the absolute limit and performed to a legitimately insane level. his reaction speed was exceptional, if you ever see footage from early lap incidents where multiple drivers collided and kimi was able to navigate through insanity with ease you'll see what i mean. he was incredibly fast, incredibly adaptable, incredibly determined.

in my opinion, a lot of people mistake kimi's lack of fucks for a lack of care or a calm but i don't think that's necessarily true. kimi always said that he hated coming second, and his expectation for all drivers was to hate coming second. he cared so much about racing. so many of his most iconic radio moments are about him caring. he knows what he has to do and what he wants to do and he doesn't want anyone interfering with that. he was an absolute lover of the sport, and for all of his "it's just a hobby to me" towards the very end of his career, when he was in a race winning car he cared a lot. i believe he holds the current record for longest time between race wins, and he holds that record because he continued to care about racing and care about winning.

however, i don't think he cared about what people thought of him. kimi did what kimi wanted to do, and most of the time that coincided with what the team wanted, i.e. winning races, but he also liked to have fun. he was pretty famous for drinking and partying, and in what i'm told is fairly stereotypical finnish fashion he went from being fairly stoic when sober to being incredibly friendly/open. there's video of him completely hammered at the 2018 fia gala, one of the drivers who played the stig on british top gear said that he'd been standing in a bar in monaco when kimi collapsed at his feet, completely drunk, jenson button once said that kimi somehow broke into his house on a night out (and nico implied that kimi was not alone when he did so). i've personally never heard that he was an alcoholic but he was certainly a heavy drinker (as most famous drivers are tbh).

mclaren kimi was an absolute driving god, and i personally think he was a bit unlucky in not winning in 2003 or 2005, but the press began to say that it was his fault, that he wasn't focused enough and was more interested in partying. i personally don't think this is true, and kimi proved that when he finally won in 2007. 2007 is mostly remembered for what was going on in mclaren, the lewis fernando civil war, mclaren copying ferrari and fernando blackmailing ron dennis over it, and i think kimi's skill gets a bit lost in the retelling of that year. he was absolutely the best driver that year and thoroughly deserved his championship. he won more races than the others, had more dnfs, and when it came down to the final few races and he absolutely had to win, he did.

i can't say for sure that kimi wasn't to blame for what happened afterwards. maybe it was a lack of interest, although i personally don't think so, i think he experienced the ferrari cycle of blame. ferrari had a great car in 2007/2008 but the car wasn't amazing after that. but ferrari has never been fully capable of admitting their own faults. the car wasn't as good as it had been during their dominance eras, stefano domenicali was not as good a leader as jean todt, and instead of looking at their internal structure and the people who had left (or been fired in the case of nigel stepney, which was fair) they decided to blame kimi for not performing. mclaren signed jenson button over him and he spent some time doing rally before returning with lotus in 2012.

lotus kimi was also kind of insane. nobody thought that the car would be that good, and kimi supposedly had a clause written into his contract saying that he would receive something like 50,000 dollars bonus for every point he scored. he scored so many points that year that he apparently nearly bankrupted the team, and there's a rumour that he didn't compete in the final two races to save them money (i believe the official story was that he had a back injury).

kimi then eventually went back to ferrari, which is where he got his final wins. he truly was one of the most incredible drivers in f1 history. there are multiple drivers with more wins and championships than him that don't have half of his talent but got luckier with cars and competitors. i think he also proved to an extent that drivers could be themselves and still be popular. he said once in an interview that it was hard the first few years when the team and pr people were trying to force him to be something and someone that he wasn't, but after he refused enough times they eventually gave up. and the person that kimi was, blunt, self interested, uncaring of social niceties and pr speak, was someone that the public really liked and got behind.

however, i can't in good conscience talk about kimi like this without also talking about some very major faults. he has been accused of sexual assault by a woman (he in turn accused her of trying to extort him), and he has reportedly used nazi or neo-nazi symbols in his merchandising, which is something that i personally cannot ignore.

[emilinqa]

what do you think about the search for spock

LOLL thank you for asking. i wasnt expecting someone to actually send me an ask when i said that but youve opened pandoras box. so.

i think the thing about the search for spock that makes it stick in my head so bad is that in reality its like. a mid movie. its okay. it falls short in almost everything it tries to do but it hits the emotional highs and lows and looks good which means it gets by just fine. it's one of those 80s movies where you get about an hour in and realize oh okay the plot is happening. like this is it. TMP suffers a little bit in this way too but its also why i find myself thinking about it much more than the "good" movies.

the curse of tmp and tsfs that particularly riddles me is that i think they have some really interesting things going on conceptually that never come to fruition-- not necessarily at fault of the movie because they're ultimately minor and i dont really know how they would explore them in greater ways-- but that i find personally very compelling. i've said this before but i yearn for a star trek space horror movie so deeply and im not gonna punish either tmp nor tsfs for not being something they're not trying to be but i think the horror elements of both movies are really untapped in terms of fan exploration/meta/content. the spock/mccoy stuck in the same body mind meld thing is played mostly for laughs (because it is a good bit. and very funny) but honestly i find the fact it like. physically makes mccoy sick and absolutely freaks everyone the fuck out like good for haunting reasons.

THIS SCENE in particular i think hits the mark on the weird creepy aspect of mccoy being partially posessed by spocks katra

it also helps its shot and lit clearly with some horror influences in mind; the way bones is sitting creepily in the chair while spocks voice speaks through him, enshrouded in shadow, etc.. of course the movie has to split itself between the ship and what's happening on the genesis planet but i really would have loved some more of these moments where spock is Haunting the enterprise and its freaking everyone the fuck out. there is that bit later on where bones actually speaks in spocks voice on the bridge and kirk turns around like wow bones that was really cool never do that shit again that was freaky as fuck and its mostly just funny but the implication that spocks actual voice can be spoken through mccoys body is something im thinking about. really bad.

i really enjoy the ways the movie shows kirk is so deeply haunted by the death of spock (i mean, the movie opens with him saying "the death of spock is like an open wound" so.) and obviously by extension, mccoy, who is stuck with spocks literal soul in his brain the whole movie. the mind meld scene with sarek is also a really good moment which is also just shot and lit well. are you sensing a theme here. im easily swayed by pretty colors.

this in combination with the weird gross regenerative process spock's body is going through on the genesis planet is very compelling to me. i was talking to a friend about this recently and he brought up that he was imagining that spock and the genisis planet had kind of a symbiosis; that he could feel the terror and disaster of the planet even outside of the biological regeneration process his own body was going through which i thought was fascinating. especially because of all the moments during the series where spock would mind meld with a being everyone else was unable to comprehend as a life form. theres something there.

its not really explored in the movie, and really not in depth in any of the further movies, but i also think spock losing his memory after being rejoined with his body is an interesting addition to the themes of rebirth and memory. the rift created between everyone who remembers spock before and wants to allow the New Spock to be the man he wants to be, but they're ultimately haunted by the lives they all had with him before. kirk having spent a whole life with him, only to lose him, gain him back, and then have spock not really remember what they had before. kirk trying not to resent him for it, spock knowing it doesn't make sense to be hurt that kirk wants him to be something he can't, etc etc. its good stuff.

tldr they should send me back in time so i can make the 80s star trek horror movie ive always wanted.

[goth-oatmilk-latte]

this is gonna be a long rant but it's bothered me for a while

(non-ed related)

and any thoughts are welcome but it's mostly a rant

so basically i dont have a lot of girlfriends. i never have, all the ones i got close to generally either betrayed me in the worst ways or we moved and lost touch. (betrayal backstories is a whole other rant, but it's nauseating the way ive been treated by women who claimed to love me) so most of my friends are dudes, in fact, both of my true besties are.

anyway, i have really one solid girlfriend and shes a good bit younger than me. she also dont have a lot of friends in general, she has me and a small handful of others. she regards me as her bestie, i kind of guess shes mine but like...idk. i view her more like a younger sister, i guess.

so basically, she copies EVERYTHING i fucking do, within her means. like, before her and i were close, she just dressed pretty normal, no notable flavor or style. but now shes trying so hard to be goth bc i am. she cut her hair how mine used to be, dyed it black bc mine is, got all of the same piercings as me, yall get it. i wish i was exaggerating but im really not. even her mom messaged me to tell me she bases her style off me and shes glad im not a "greasy goth" (lol??)

but it's infuriating. i know i didnt invent goth. im not the first to have the piercings, hair, outfits, and interests i do...but it's really annoying to have someone base their entire style and interests off of me bc i have worked hard to curate myself as a person. i work hard for my aesthetic, im pretty thoughtful in my planning for outfits, how i decorated my home, everything, but especially bc these are genuine interests ive had since i was a preteen...and it's just so irksome to have someone try to imitate it as closely as possible every single day without any real, concrete interest in any of it, outside of prob just tryna be relatable to me

and a few weeks ago we got on the topic of sexuality and how im pan and have had gfs etc now shes magically also bisexual. she told me she got "tricked" by a straight girl recently but caught an attitude with me bc i told her if there wasnt clear intentions by both parties, she wasnt tricked, bc there was no flirting/romantic intent and that being bi/pan talking to straight women (or even other bi/pan wonen) doesn't automatically garner a romantic response. she didnt like that and got really snappy with me, but im not wrong. she tried to say she thought she was going on a date, but she was literally going to another friend's house to watch rupaul, and the other girl was also coming over, she sent me screenshots of the convo and like.....yeah, no, 1000% on her for thinking anything of it. she just picked said girl bc she was friends with her other friend and I guess it was an easy shot, but she also overlooked homegirl having a whole man too so like????? bro hello.

and i dont necessarily wanna be super confrontational about the aesthetic thing bc that just feels so middle school drama sToP cOpYiNg Me energy but it grates my skin...especially too bc like she also gets a little grumpy when she asks where my clothes are from and a lot of places i shop dont carry her size (shes a 3X or a 4X; ive never really looked or cared to see who carries what size bc im an xs so why would i??) and thats somehow my fault bc she cant buy the same shit i wear...or she complains she cant afford the docs or demonias etc like i have and its like okay curate your own damn style that you can afford bc like???? im not your fucking barbie doll mannequin?????

[f0point5]

Honestly I'm a bit of max when it comes to my friends. I don't care you're in wrong, I don't care you did something bad, i will always defend you and if its necessary then scold you IN PRIVATE. Mick had 2 years to confront her about her comments but he ignored them and let all the emotions to bottled up. It wasnt ralf (though its more understandable than esteban) nor esteban's fight. Esteban's animosity towards both max and yn (because they're privileged, nepo babies etc it doesnt matter and its hypocritical when one of your friends is also a nepo baby and the other one's dad bought a team for his son like, im completely neutral towards lance but lets not forget how his dad bought a f1 team like wtf) clouded his judgement and i think he's pretty happy that hes witnessing yn's "downfall". There were moments that yn was in the wrong I don't disagree with that but honestly passive agressive people are so annoying. Its not our fault if you decide to be like that but dont come at us 3 year later then.

They're both wrong but just like you said between comments there were time and mick could've warned esteban and his uncle but he chose to not to. He could've said something years ago either but again he chose to not to. Yn was right about privilege thing and it's more important that it comes from her, another nepo baby but mick chose to ignore that either. Yn was harsh especially the last messages before blocking him was pretty harsh but then again mick ignored even after everything went downhill and she received those disgusting threats left and right. Mick chosing to ignore everything until he has to face them isn't yn nor max's fault.

Oh I think Estie is chuckling away like the Joker. And not even that he’s necessarily enjoying the really bad trolling she’s getting because he’s not a genuinely malicious person, but I think he is probably enjoying people jumping on the privilege angle. Which yeah is interesting considering who his friends are. Ralf, to his credit, I do see him just being out there to defend his nephew because he feels like no one else is.

I think the thing about her comment is, what she was trying to say is that the Schumacher name would have been part of the conversation whether or not Mick kept his seat. Now he’s out of the seat it’s “if Michael had been there” but if he was still in the seat it would have been “well it’s because Michael was there”. Guenther treated him like that because Michael wasn’t there but if Michael had been there and Guenther had had a softer approach (which he isn’t known for) that would have been called sucking up. I think Y/N was just trying to make the point that there was no way of winning that game.

[yuukei-yikes]

do u think shintaro was left with actual trust issues after being catfished by both takane (as ene) and kano (as ayano) for years? or do u think he's just clueless and they clown him for it?

HMMMM well thats actually one of the things that makes him such an interesting character. like despite everything shintaro isnt the kind to hold a grudge and he forgives very easily, he's so babygirl yknow. the other thing abt him is retaining eyes... like i dont think he'd make that big of a deal over these reveals in the end because he's seen it a million times before. yeah, in cases where he finds out before activating retaining like for example the novels, it's a huge shock and shintaro literally says a line that i adore and is very relevant to this

acting like a fucking victim like he wasnt a total ass to ayano and takane which is exactly what gained him these treatments from kano & ene LMAOOOO

ermmm trust issues.... well like i said with retaining shintaro probably doesnt make a big deal out of it and kano&takane (especially kano) wouldnt tease bc it's not rly something to tease about. like takane was trying really hard to be another person and kano was trying really hard to play ayano's role, and kano especially feels rly guilty about it. it's not shintaro's fault for not noticing, they were hiding it yknow!!

and takane knows EVERYTHING about shintaro basically and ok dont get me started on their thing again or you know ill be talking forever but hehe yippeeee!! nah i dont think they'd tease abt him never noticing and i dont think he necessarily has trust issues. i definitely think he's totally wary of takane and kano specifically though but that's what makes their dynamics so interesting. even takane and kano themselves since kano acknowledges so many parallels between them and how he thinks she's sorta similar to him. and then both have a messed up dynamic with shintaro... definitely very fun to explore >:3

[jackienautism]

Now I’m really curious about your thoughts on the other counselors. I don’t really have any strong opinions on them much tbh idk why. Maybe it’s the whole “horny teenager” trope or something

(finally getting around to this. sorry for taking so long dfkldg)

yeaaaah fair enough dfgjndg thats exactly why i get pissed off playing the game tbh. it just becomes so convoluted with this romantic whatever bullshit that it gets SUPER TIRING...... but that's ok though bc silas kaylee and caleb need someone to love them unconditionally right?

anywho! i appreciate you wanting to see my other unfiltered opinions on the characters kdfgdfjg bc gosh do i have a lot. especcially for TQ bitches. as i just ssaid,

i AM going to get unfiltered and potentially brutal so if anyone is your ultimate bestie i recommend not reading (abi and laura are safe though of course<3) (mainly because nothing about either of them necessarily irritated me LOL and im easy to irritate)

im going to reference my thoughts on the characters from a note i wrote after playing through like ? chapter 4 for the first time. but honestly not miuch has changed. and just to preface this a good portion of my negative opinions come from the campfire scene in chapter 2 LOL like. when i first played the game i began disliking like more than half the characters here alone

//

dylan: talked about him here (its not positive)

//

nick: i just think hes a prick who doesn't deserve abi 🤷 of course he was given the short end of the stick in terms of screentime, but its kind of funny bc kaitlyn has a similar amount of Actual walk around time and she's there like. the entire game LMAO so yeah that pisses me off. nick has 3 moments where you play as him, and kaitlyn has 5/6, depending on how you separate her section in chapter 10. they both have the same amount of Get To Explore And Walk Around time though, which is a whopping total of one thanks guys. anywho. even before he began acting like a creep i didnt like him lol... and no surprise but it all stems from chapter 2...

long story short, i dont doubt that nick actually cares for abi and likes her but i think in the grand scheme of things it mostly has to do w/ him wanting tits and ass... sort of similar to mike's whole deal... and i believe this based on the bullshit he pulls w/ emma. yeah he says that "tHiS mIgHt NoT bE a GoOd IdEa" and yet he still plays along despite dylan saying that 2 people can kiss AS LONG AS everyone consents. he could've gotten out of the situation. and yet he fucking didnt. i dont care if he didnt realize the consequences of his actions, if he TRULY liked abi he wouldnt have done this shit in the first place. "ive had my moments, im not proud of some of the stuff ive done" DOG YOU JUST HAD A MOMENT AND YOURE NOT EVEN FUCKING APOLOGIZING TO THE PERSON YOU HURT!!!!!! idc if it technically wasnt totally his fault. he still was involved in humiliating and upsetting abi. all he blames it on is playing alonog with emma's plan to make jacob jealous and aside from that just being such a shitty anf fucked up excuse in general, its not even ???? true?????????? GOD. IM SORRY. THE WHOLE SITUATION MAKES ME SO UPSET

//

jacob: as said in my previous TQ / UD rankings... i really flip flop w/ him alot. however im def leaning towards neutral to dislike NGL. i HAAATED his whole thing w/ emma like incredibly so. however. i did feell real bad for him during chapter 1, despite already knowing that he was the one to bust the truck up and keep everyone there another night. i felt bad despite already having a reason TO dislike him. kaitlyn was being mean for no reason. nick and dylan were being mean for no reason. it's just... it's almost like he was being used as the group's laughing stock. but as time went on i just continually became less and less willing to sympathize . hell, he's just a INFINITELY less sympathetic josh... of course seeing him crying and upset in ch 3 was sad, but at this point i don't really know what he expected im sorry. he really dragged all these other people into his bullshit with emma. and it's more than clear how emma feels about their relationship, of course emma wasn't great either with him, but jacob isn't an angel ... EITHER in this situation. of COURSE he couldn’t have known that the night would go the way it does, but it doesn’t negate the fact that fucking up the truck was a shitty move regardless LMAO as said previously, i HAAATe how fucking possessive he is of her. like when nick tells jacob that he could see what emma wantss? and jacob just laughs it off? it's so fucking stupid dog. character wise though, he of course has a lot going for him and i can see why people find appeal in him. especially seeing hwo many stereotypes theyre subverting, in terms of jacob showing emotions and shit. but for me personally, it's a no

//

ryan: my man🤝 even after all this time.... i find him very respectable and i very much appreciate him. similar to my deal w/ abi, even his more "asshole-ish" moments / dialogue choices (aside from a few off the top of my head LOL) are like. justified... and in character... like. him being so pissed off at and wary of laura? like????? laura is my beloved but this random girl just popped out of nowhere, killed one of his closest friends, and now wants to kill what he has of a father figure? like yeah id be acting like ryan too if i were put into his situation LMAO yeah you can be annoyed w/ his actions and behavior, but in context? the way he's acting is understandable and justified. it doesnt DESERVE criticism, because there's nothing to criticize! he's acting as any normal person would! of COURSE it's annoying how he doesn't BELIEVE laura, that's a whole other can of worms, but overall he's allowed to be a pissed off little bitch. and him potentially going against the whole party idea? that line of dialogue is just more in character for him i will not accept any other answer. it makes no sense that he'd suddenly go against chris' word. and it PISSES ME OOOOFF seeing how the game still like ? has ryan show up to the party despite being adamant against it.

ANYWAY.... ppl don't appreciate his autistic swag like i do. "he has no character" "he's boring" TO YOU. y'all rly see a character mainly speak in a monotone voice and rarely smile / show expression and go. yeah he's boring . do you not see the like . connotations of that. like be for real. he’s like. one of the only few genuinely good ppl here lmao and seeing how chris says that ryan is one of his fave counselors and how he TRUSTS him enough to hold all this responsibility + have all these in depth talks w him it’s just. you see what kind of person ryan is just from that. and how so far ryan is the only character (while you’re in control) who’s able to interject whatever bullshit is being said at the moment it just. i’m sorry. he’s just a good guy. i respect how he’s willing to go against the bulk of the group during the whole party or lodge thing. i also respect that he’s willing to put a fucking end to dylan’s invasive fucked up truth question. i KNOW that it all depends on the Player to choose these specific options BUT. they just fit ryan’s character more so🤷 what can i say. fuck everyone else

//

max: my bf (real)

laura: my gf (real)

abi: me (irl)

//

emma: in my original note i said that i was leaning torwards neutral to dislike lmao....... oh have the turns havbe tabled. anywho. i think shes such a stupid dumbass bitch. she's so funny for no goddamn reason. i am shoving her down a flight of stairs. i love her character sooo much. i hate how she acted with jacob (despite most of it being her people pleaser side Showing but, that's a whole different conversation i am willing to have). she's suuuuch a beloved but gooooooood god i draw the line at being such a shitty friend to abi. that's my biggest complaint when it comes to emma and her actions. i understand that she has a moment where she's like "you're my best friend, i need you" and i fucking eat that shit up but almost everything else that happens and happens prior..... just goddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

to get started. most of this is gonna be nitpicky and personal shit, so if you think it's small and shouldn't be addressed, then you're probably right LOL im just ultra sensitive to this sort of stuff due to past personal experiences. ANYWAY!!!!!! you know the little teasy comment emma makes towards abi after you avoid hitting the squirrel? how she's like, "this is her first time asking a guy out like EVER"? it makes me wanna beat her up fr kldfggnfg bc it's like... it's not a thing to joke about... i see sooo much of myself in abi meaning i see her as autistic and that's just. you know how much being autistic hinders those sort of abilities? i obviously can't say for sure but, seeing how abi later talks about people wantingher to interact w/ others better? hence why she went to summer camp in the first place? i'd say that probably isn't too outrageous to think...

and sort of continuing off that same topic, when abi is having trouble choosing someone for truth or dare, how emma is just like. "ding ding ding, my turn!" LIKE. AS HER FRIEND. WHO PROBABLY KNOWS ABOUT HOW MUCH ABI STRUGGLES SOCIALLY. DON'T YOU THINK SHE'D BE LIKE? "OHH ABI JUST PICKK ME" INSTEAD OF HUMILIATING HER? LIKE. BC THERES SOOO MANY DIFF WAYS OF MOVING ON AND HELPING ABI OUT....... GOING ABOUT IT THW WAY EMMA DID ISN'T THE WAY TO GO......... ESPECIALLY KNNOWING HOW SOCIALLY ANXIOUS ABI IS.... anyway. while we're on the campfire scene, it's so fucked why she chooses to kiss nick lmao like ok yeah it may work in the end (potentially) but its still ?????????????? girl you know how much abi likes nick (SUPPOSEDLY) why go about this shit in the most destructive way possible? and what makes me even MORe mad is that. they dont even ever address this scene ever again???? despite it being such a huge and humiliating and probably traumatizing moment for abi??????????? YES they're able to have a more in depth andf heart to heart conversation about their relationship. but its not fucking enough! bc that fucking stupid ass dare and its outcome was the catalyst for the rest of the night's events lmao! imagine beign brushed aside and seen as a social fucking experiment for your entire life. which is something im SURE abi has felt and experienced. and emma, her best friend, LITERALLY CONTRIBUTES TO THAT!!!!!! ITS SO FUCKED AND IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY. i could probably go on about this topic but ill leabe it for a separate post i guess anyway if i were abi id be fucking pissed off and upset

her character means so very much to be like her whole people pleaser and "curate myself to each individual person ive ever met to keep them fromn leaving me" resonates so so much with me and i love it so much. ive talked about this b4 in a previous post but i can only imagine how lonely she feels, acting the way she acts. no one will ever truly know who she is. shes in a constant state of performance. every single person she's ever met has a different perception of her in their head. and, in one way or another, it's all wrong!!!! i love you emma mountebank i love you abigail blyg

//

kaitlyn: i wont even lie i instantly fell in love w her after hearing the INSANE shit she says fnsjfjsnf esp felt it after the “jacob go upstairs. jacob get bag. kaitlyn moves on with her goddamn life” fell in love fr. and her whole stupid monologue after jacob was like "yeah i mean, what did i expect would happen?" SHES LITERALLY INSANE. but. like. i was not and still Am not happy w how she treated abi during the campfire scene though. due to 1. her telling abi to basically hurry the fuck up despite seeing how much she was GENUINELY struggling, and also potentially knowing about her social struggles prior. bc they're friends. right? and 2. just coming up wiht the dare in general lol it was such a fucked up thing to do and as ive said w/ emma, the fact theyre unable to actually jhave a convo abt it later is suuuuper dumb and shitty imo. esp seeing just how upset abi got, and the most fucked up thing is, neither kaitlyn NOR emma seem to show any remorse for it!!!!! that's just so fucked up

anywho. hate how both of their asian girls (emily in until dawn) are characterized as bossy and very. my way or the highway. it’s actually real fucked up in that light. fuck you supermassive. y’all are lucky that these 2 characters are their respective games’ baddest bitches . i SUPPOSE it isn’t THAT as big of a deal in this game bc. there are like. objectively more unlikable characters (in the guys AND girls) so kaitlyn doesn’t stand out as much (as emily did. she was practically written to be hated. bc NO ONE ELSE was as strong personality wise as her. i suppose jess comes close but 1. i think ppl shit on her for other stupid shit anyway SO and 2. she effs off for more than half the game) but it still doesn’t make it ok lmao. bc it’s a trend that is very :/ mmmmmmm. even if it’s not that much of a cliche stereotype for asian women, seeing them write both of their asian girls ALMOST THE EXACT SAME WAY is a bit sussy goddamn baka. went off a bit there lmao. anyway. i’m a weak pussy bitch and after she softened after abi returned freaked out i 😭 i love you. more positive (and NON GUY related) interactions between the girlies please. i literally love her relationship w/ abi so much it's so interesting to me.

and just... to talk about her character real quick, i mmentioned in my tier list that her character frustrates me. and you wanna know why? ive talked abt this b4 but her character is basically a watered down emily davis. and i say this bc. they both overall are the same archetype. except. in kaitlyn's case. there's really no reason for me to like ???? feel bad for her? djjfggkj LIKE. THERE'S LITTLE TO NO SUBSTANCE TO HER CHARACTER.... AND THERE CERTAINLY ISNT MUCH TO FEEL SYMPATHETIC FOR..... i say this bc. almost all the other TQ characters have this moment of ): aw, here's why i should care about and feel bad for you. BUT KAITLYN????? NEVER REALLY OUTRIGHT HAS THAT MOMENT,..... it's almsot like they threw her in there and threw in her characteristics last second.... nothing's really established w/ her. you just. you just keeo finding new stuff about her as the game goes on. like. oh. shes a good shot. oh. she cares about abi. and shit like that. im probably explaining this so terribly rn but hopefully some sense can be made from this scramble. it's just.... thye toook away the interesting aspect(s) of emily'scharacter (her anxiety, her fear of death, her complex to be protected while being fully capable of protecting herslef in times of danger etc etc) and thus gave us kaitlyn. to me she just. she isnt that interesting character wise! there isnt much there for me to grow attached to! people only like her bc shes associated w/ dylan! like shes one of those characters where you sort of HAVE to mold and shape into something that's familiar and Good

re reading htis it really sounds like i don't like her fdjkdg BUT I DO I PROMISE.... i gotta stick w/ my asian girls

//

abi but for real: 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 do i even need to say anything? its like supermassive made a character purposely JessCore or something like that. i like. haven’t gone In Depth abt why i got so fucked up over what everyone else did to her during the camp fire scene but. know that it hit a little toooooo fucking close to home. like. I Could See Me Sitting There In Abi’s Spot and it HUUUUUUURT!!!!!!!!!!!! like ): seeing her avert her gaze and how she was fumbling over her words i ))): LIKE. AUGHH. esp after being asked THAT question? since not sleeping w/ anyone by this age is seen as “abnormal”? i could feel that so bad man ): no one deserves to be singled out like that. esp not a VERY much autistic girl who is pretty clear to be on the “outside” of the group. bc she’s not “normal” or not “like everyone else here” and it’s just. fuck you all fr choke. enough of that. i just. she’s so fucking cute too? like girl i love you so MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! her lil like. expressive noises and shit are so awesome and make me happy fnsjfjsf you only see them like twice BUT. you don’t really see that from the other characters. so basically: stims. autism. yeah. they rly made abi a little TOO realistic nd relatable fnsjfnnsf but ohhhh man do i love her oh so much. after the camp fire scene i was just. she’s my friend now fuck all of you

//

laura but for real: I MISSED HER AND MAX SOOOOO BAD WHILE PLAYING THROUGH CHAPTERS 1 - 6 SKLDDFJDF i was literally so upset and sad seeing that they werent at camp after the prologue. du eto like literallty all of the characters getting on my nerves I WANTED THEM TO COME HOME SOOOO BAD.... AFTER THE CAMP FIRE SCENE EVERYTHING WENT DOWNHILL AND I MIIISSSEED THEM SOO MUCH i needed them back for real. other than that though, i dont have much to say about laura. i mean of course she's my BELOVED i mean look at my user but. yeah! i think about her often and project some anger shit onto her<3 specifically towards travis for specific and personal reasons<3 even if it's not like character stuff or w/e i think about, i often just rotate herin my mind. i love her so much. plus she's literally a combo of emily and sam aka my 2 fave UD characters how could i not love her?

//

max but for real: i honestly dont have much to say abt him? and i suppose he and laura arent /technically/ a part of the other counselors since they never, yk, showed up. but w/e fdfjgndg i think he's neat. i honestly thought he was like one of the only Good Guys of the game when first playing through,. and that still holds true! i still see ryan as a great guy too though. max just seems like such a good partner and guy in general and i love him. don't necessarily think about him much but as i said before, he's my bf (real)

[my-mt-heart]

U know, i feel sometimes the writing is strange. When Daryl punched Negan, he felt guilty for Glenn's death and cried apologizing to Maggie. When he and Maggie went behind Rick's back in 9a, they've never been held responsible by no one not even themselves.

I guess having Daryl's looking for Rick's body for years was supposed to show the guilt he felt, same as Carol taking care of him in the meantime discreetly because she knew how he felt, but i actually think we were robbed of Daryl crying in Carol's arms showing his guilt. Even if it wasnt necessarily his fault, not saying this. But this should have led to a more moving conversation than the "i never found the body" in 9x7. We could have also had a moment with Carol saying "i know things were rocky sometimes betwen him and i but i miss him too u know". Carol never talked abt Rick. Hello??

As for Maggie, i initially thought this mess with Rick was the reason things were tensed with Michonne but it ended up being for totally different reason.

In general, they have Carol never talking abt her feelings, which yes is in character but at the same time its a bit too convenient for me: "good, since she's so reserved, we wont have to bring this topic anymore", like Lizzie and Mika.

I feel that what happens behind the scenes (like actors leaving for instance) affects way too much what ends up on screen: Michonne's departure (i dont judge her for going to find Rick, but how come no one ever asks where the hell she is?)

Like Maggie's departure and come back.. I mean it was easier when characters just died. But because they left open doors and windows for everyone now, because they want to Marvel themselves, it does look like a giant mess.

They also seem to rely too much on the "off screen" to resolve plots. Like Rosita/Gabriel breaking up, also, for example.

The only thing that was (at least since season 7) handled almost perfectly was Rick's departure, for me. Ok he didnt have a proper reconciliation with Maggie. But while he had a feud with Daryl , they later had a heart to heart, just in time before Rick's "death". Where is my heart to heart betwen Caryl? This should have happened in s11, before the end of the series, regardless of if the spin off was the two of them or just him.

I didnt hate Find me, but having it right after 10.16 (initially the finale of s10) where they were supposed to be reconciled made no sense to me, especially since nothing was openly resolved after, in Diverged AND since Diverged.

And they actually made it clear that there would be no heart to heart, now that i think abt it, when Carol said "i dont need an apology apology is just a truce". It was clear in that moment for me that it would be left like that, boom, deal with it people. So no on screen resolution of their feud either.

What do u think?

I agree it's extremely frustrating when the business side (and people's personal agendas) bleed into the creative side too much, and TWD is definitely one of those shows that made a mess of itself because of that. S9 and S10 weren't perfect. There were too many characters and the pacing got a little too clunky at times, but there were really strong character narratives that kept me engaged the whole way through, and I found myself rooting for Caryl more passionately following the three-season dry spell. S11 is where it all fell apart for me because it was like everything that S10 had been building toward suddenly meant nothing, the characters were behaving strangely, there was no payoff, there was very little emotional realism, and the ending was insulting. The spinoffs are even more concerning because they don't feel like the next chapter for the characters that we love, they just feel like one giant retcon. Like there's very little attention being paid to the loyal audience that made the spinoffs possible in the first place.

[evildykeserket]

i Think that none of the guardians were that great Not because they are inherently bad people but because of the circumstances surrounding them. they took measures that They thought would protect their kids which backfired. but just because there were Good Intentions doesnt mean their actions were Good and forgiveness is a tricky thing bc its. well its Hard when you have a shitty guardian whos bad because Their circumstances were bad and you have to weigh. Can I Forgive You?

and ultimately thats hard to say because it really Does depend on the person. and its like. yea you fucked me up even if you didnt Mean to and i still love you but. you know.

and this goes for All guardians even if you think some of their actions were more morally reprehensible than others.

bro - well he severely fucked up with the fighting / physical abuse / general unsafe enviroment with porn, weapons, etc. he was also being mind corrupted by a fucked demon puppet. he just wanted dave to be strong enough to fill the knight role and made him Hate the concept of being a hero.

mom - negligence mainly. im Not counting the alcohol abuse as a Moral Failure but rather a consequence of knows the world is going to end, she cant do anything to stop it, they Are doomed. it still had bad consequences with rose growing up in that environment and falling into the same habits. she gave rose everything she wanted to an Extreme degree that just made it stifling to like anything.

grandpa - he was dead which. isnt necessarily his fault lmao? but the isolation to people, house full of dangerous weapons and such. the isolation was because the batterwitch, if she knew he had a child she Would have been all over jade [female heir type - she let jake go cause he was a guy etc etc] and he was also the Most involved with the game. he just Couldnt be there, wasnt supposed to survive.

dad - his problem is that, he supports his kid but they dont Talk. he recognizes the situation is Not Good and grieves for his mother but doesnt tell john Anything to protect him - even going go far as to lie about how nanna died. he Watches john and can recognize his surroundings [what movies he likes, the writings on his walls] but never actually Talked with him. inherent misunderstandings.

i think out of all of them, jade and june would forgive more easily just by. Not recognizing that anything was ever off. but they [jade probably] would eventually make peace even if theres a lot of anger and grief involved, just because shes used to that. june is. complicated because she has the 'best of it all' and would struggle the most with it. if they could have one honest conversation i think they would be fine but that obviously cant happen. not even with a Different version of her dad.

dave i dont think would ever forgive his brother and i dont think thats a bad thing. sometimes its better to just let go, its in the past and no amount of what ifs can ever change that. it would probably affect his relationship with dirk though and That would take a while to. not fix but come to terms with if that makes sense. rose is. Also. very complicated in the same reason as june since their home lives Very mirror each other. although she has the chance to talk with roxy and figure out Why she did what she did. i think she heavily goes back and forth on 'i understand and forgive her' and 'she never Talked with me, its her fault our relationship was messed up. i was a child' and they can co-exist.

thats my thoughts at the very least. trauma and trauma recovery is a very tricky subject and theres no black and white of it. and its even Harder to talk about all together cause its like. oh yea they had it Worse so why are you talking about this? when its not. about that. they were all stuck in the same shitty circumstances.

and i want to go into separate posts for each, especially june and rose but Also they Are parallels of eachother so you Do have to talk with. With each other. of course its Not Direct Parallels but general rule of thumb:

rose ~ june

dave ~ jade

either way thats it for now i hope this actually made sense lmao oh god i havent even gotten into the alpha kids and how they would play into this. well i did a little bit but thats Also an important step for them in dealing with their trauma [exception for june] and of course, the other way around with the alpha kids and Their guardians. havent gotten to them yet so ill hold off for now

[lockedtowers]

Now one thing really important imo is cassie’s autism, and as i’m audhd in real life, i feel i can talk about it really well based around not only my experiences, but those around me. and a really important thing about it is how you really cannot separate that from her. it’s how her brain was developed and how it functions, without it she’d be an entirely different person, the way the organ that all your other organs connect and listen to is kind of how one is forced to exist in any situation anyways and that’s really not any different here. but cassie, also like me, has been forced to mask so much that sometimes it would be hard for others to really spot the traits even though they’re blatantly there (which i dont mean the faerie traits, i know its a running gag that people will be like ‘oh my perfect baby was replaced by a changeling bc look at how it acts!!!) but no, like yes i do have a lot of faerie characters that are also autistic but autism is also a genetic thing, so chances are if you have it, someone else in your family has it too. you aint off the hook bish. )

now one of the most noticeable things about cassie, at least regarding her main/syfy verse, is the fact she doesn’t really have her own built strong moral compass. like she got in trouble with march and the QoH because she refused to kill a child, she felt like that wasnt okay, and that was a strong reason as to why she wanted to get away, but the stronger reasoning was placed in the arrangement with jack that she had no say in. she’s never had much say in her own life until she was assigned as march’s protégé, so it wasn’t like she wasn’t used to not making choices for herself, but she does not like jack. she does not like the way he looks at her. she hates the way he acts like he owns her. she did not want to be tied to him for any reason at all, and that well and truly fueled her desire to escape that life.

but she doesn’t necessarily understand morality at all, the queen of hearts doesn’t care for that kind of talk to begin with and prefers using the wonders to control people. march of course, while he grew fond of her, wasnt exactly a strong moral compass, but he swayed her a lot while she was with him because she was overall mirroring him. something she tends to do a lot. like, it’s very very noticeable that her best ‘moral moments’ would be when she was with hatter, because despite his own skewed moral compass he’s a better person than a lot of wonderland is, and while she still behaved the way she understood (bring him strays, for instance, because its better if he gets the humans than the hearts, even tho w some of my past friends he would extract the negative emotions from them too which is also kind of scummy but again, cassie wouldn’t understand why that’s bad, she just knows he doesn’t necessarily mind getting the strays so she’ll keep doing it.) she was supposed to, her ability to care about other people was a lot stronger while she was with hatter.

and that really continues on outside of wonderland, too. like girl gave up the freedom she hunted for for years to ensure hatter wouldn’t be killed. she is known to be foolishly loyal to a fault to people she thinks care about her. if you’re nice to her, she’ll probably follow you around and shit because she doesn’t know why she wouldn’t do that. and there are people she’s met who will call her out on shit, like ‘oh hey murders really not okay’ and she’ll be confused for sure and ask why, she’s going to ask why, because thats what she knows and what she understands, and why its ‘not okay’ isnt something she understands, especially since she was still doing it with hatter, if people threatened him she’s just off them and hide the remains because she didn’t want him to get hurt.

which is another thing entirely, how self sacrificial she is, and was, even without a moral system in her little head. because she sees someone in danger that she cares about, she’ll risk her life to save them no thoughts behind it. she’s a necromancy witch and it bled into her faerie power, she cannot really stay dead except in certain situations, but she doesn’t understand or know about that. as far as she knows, its a fluke that’ll end at some point, and if she dies protecting the people she cares about, then its fine… except she ends up protecting people she doesn’t know, too. and a lot of times she’ll do things and protect people who honestly dont give a shit about her.

but that's why i’ll say, a lot of the times, she will act similarly to the first person who finds her in any given situation depending on how they act with her. she’s never had that level of freedom before, and even with the new level of freedom, she also knows she’s still being hunted by jack. she doesn’t get why he views her as such a threat, but she knows he does. but she also doesn’t know how humans interact with each other. as her fae side is half unseelie, she is not able to lie, she physically cannot lie in any way. the worst she can do is avoid answering or respond in such a way that the information is true, but bundled so you can’t figure out what she means. as a cat, and specifically a cheshire cat, she already speaks in a ‘weird’ fashion to most, but theres reason behind that.

and she ends up behaving like the people she spends the most time around because she is always observing them, always watching, and learning their behaviors, learning their nuances, and repeating them back to the person. she’s watching, and she’s mirroring, which is both an autism related thing and a cat related thing funnily enough (a LOT of cat behaviors and autism behaviors are similar, tbh, its weird) and unfortunately most of her understanding and comprehension and mirrored traits have come from the men in her life (and any perkiness or excitability probably came from watching carlotta, tbh) and she struggles a lot with socialization since she doesn’t necessarily understand, but she will be the most loyal person you can find or have on your team. it’s just a matter of how well behaved she’ll be in the process.

[lilaclavenderthoughts]

Silent Tears (Stupid Tears)

I love you so much it hurts.

I cry about you, you know, Sad selfish tears that only make me feel worse. I feel like im losing you even though your at my side every day with sweet words, honest words that make me feel deserved.

And yet im selfish, cause i belived no one in my corner, that i was so incredibly unlovable that sometimes it feels like your the only one who truly understands me. And yet i cry over something so trivial and petty, something that makes you happy.

Im afraid that im losing you not beacuse of you but because ive spent so much time finding someone like me and i found you and it turns out your not like me in alot of ways - so that i know i can have forever with you.

I love you so much and i dont think ill ever stop and ill never tell you to your face but i just wish sometimes our story can freeze frame where it is so disappointment never comes.

And its not your fault, its never your fault, i just wish i had more people like you so i didn't feel so alone without you.

Im going to be fully honest, this is kinda embarrassing, Not for me but definitly past me.

For context i wrote this a couple years ago in the middle of a mental breakdown where i was in floods of tears. Which is why this reads like a sterotypical crazy persons ramblings you'd find in skyrim or something.

The reason for this breakdown? My close friend had came out as transgender to me.

Was this a surprise? No, we had spoken about gender exploration for well over a year at that point.

Was i transphobic? No, i had been out as trans myself for well over a year at that point.

So, why the breakdown.

A couple of reasons i can think of right now, the first being that i was incredibly unstable due to other reasons at the time and i have a tendancy of making mountains out of molehills when im like that.

Second of all, at that point we had both been identifying as sapphic, he was the only other person i knew personally in my life who also had that label. I wasnt necessarily cutoff from ny local queer community, but i was isolated in general, so any friendship that i made i was under the impression that it could collapse at any moment.

When he told me he was trans, i thought that would destroy our connection and that it was a slow downhill collapse from there.

Now obviously, that was fucking stupid of me to think, and reading this now i think i knew it back then to. This was written as a way to express emotions that i knew were irrational and that would be destructive if i expressed them openly. It was a vent.

I dont usually call my works "vents", nothing against the term i just dont think it describes my approch to writing. But this was definitly a "i need these emotions out NOW" sort of deal.

I think knowing we have irrational thoughts is the first step to learning how to properly deal with them. Not every thought or feeling is valid and its important to acknowledge that.

However, i do think this helped me at the time to process and move on. Irrational or not i was still feeling those things and needed to process to move on.

Overall i dont really care for the writing itself now. It wasnt really written to be read, just to be written which is fine.

Written: 26/04/2021

[thousandheadeddolphin]

Nevermind we're doing this tonight welcome to the lvl.0 lighting round

Actual reviews under readmore, but the tldr is that the quality generally averaged towards generally being kinda good, which I know is probably not gonna be sustained for long

LVL. 0.0: tutorial Level

I ultimately have no complaints, since this is, at its core, just a slightly more fleshed-out version of classic backrooms, which as stated in my introductory post, is good even through a thousand layers of content farm induced irony. I enjoy how theyve pretty much fenced it off from the rest of the levels due to no-clipping being required to progress, allowing it to still stand on it own to some extent. Though I do have a slightly nitpicky complaint about its title, simply because it leans too far into the video game angle, and the grammar feels a bit clunky and stiff at certain points, but at the end of the day, theres a reason this got so big in the first place. 8.5/10

LVL. O.1: Zenith station

This one plays around with the format a little, adding normal prose to the beginning to give context to why theres just a whole ass space station in piss carpet hell (yeah, the article itself describes the carpets as smelling like pee), which is generally better than its parent article, which, unfortionately isnt kept up in the prose of the article itself, which generally matches 0.0s quality. Id actually like this level a lot if it wasnt connected to the backrooms, where its existence doesnt exactly make any sort of sense, mainly from a metatextual perspective, mainly because it just doesnt match with any of the other levels heavy usage of nostalgic imagary compared this whole ass space station. This is likely just a consequence of a lot of the earlier levels just going "Yo what if this thing was in the backrooms" and just. kinda clashes even with other levels of its ilk. 8/10 if it was disconnected from the backrooms, 6/10 as it currently is

LVL. 0.2: Remodeled mess

To be honest, even though its like, bordering on a joke level, at least the jokes actually funny. plus, It genuinely feels like like smaller part of a level, instead of like, a full level that they just crammed into 0.0. The format scew, in this case taking the form of notes between a remodeler and his boss genuinely has a lot of personality and originality that a majority of the other levels of its ilk lack. overall, 7.5/10, not necessarily the most flashy or interesting (sub)level, but it gets its job done perfectly fine

LVL. 0.3: The icy rooms

Another level centering around the backrooms remodeling company, this times its not their fault, and theyre just trying to remodel a part of 0.1 thats just. frozen over for some reason. Another somewhat comedic level, this time exclusively featuring the same kind of notes from the previous sublevel. I do think it overuses the crossed out text gimmick, and the comedy(?) wears a bit thin, but i otherwise have no real complaints. 7/10 cool level

(please note that all levels after are not numbered by the wiki)

LVL O.4: Below Zero

Oops! All format screws! This ones actually got pretty good, though way too purple, prose. Most of the concepts within the level are kinda bare bones, the same kind of hallways as the ones in 0.0, but dark this time, a bog, which is so vaguely described that I dont even know if its metaphorical or not, and the hallway but before with rubble this time. Unfortunately, I cant really say much about it, due to the barrage of dead links, very, very sparce descriptions and the relatively small irritant of it not having any real reason to not be a standalone level other than the novelty factor, so Im gonna have to give it a 5/10.

LVL. 0.5: Echo Chamber

Man theres like, no reason for this to be separate from 0.4. If i struggled to come up with things to say about the last level, this one doesnt even have descriptions of its environment. The story that theyre trying to tell here is actually kinda well executed, though it doesnt really justify it being separate from the base backrooms in the way its implied to be. 4/10 I know its written by a different guy, but at least justify why you should exist as a separate construct from the original sublevel

LVL. 0.6: The Manila Rooms

This one has a plot point within the first paragraph. How can it serve as a meeting point if, by virtue of it being a sublevel of 0.0, it is impossible to find another human. Aside from that, this is functionally just a version of 0.0 with furnishings and actual way to leave without ramming your face into walls for 3 hours. Otherwise, nice set dressing, prose that do a better job at replicating scps style than 99% of the first 100 other levels, and actually makes use of the MEG instead of just having them stand around and justify why every single article is written like a damn court case. 6/10, gets its job done but It doesnt do anything else

LVL. 0.7: The red rooms

Oh hey another format screw, this time being another one were it just breaks into normal prose and overrides the normal text of the level, which though played out, got a bit of a kick out of me. Though, all things considered, the prose themselves flounder a bit, simply due to the author layering too many adjectives, and some inexplicable choices in analogy. But I really enjoy the way the author plays with the formatting especially near the end, and the concepts pretty damn solid on its own. 7/10, would reccomend.

LAST ONE: LVL. 0.8: The torment

Another format screw, this time just with some background stuff about how it just. randomly showed up. It suddenly drops some stuff about spirits and like, again, why did these need to be connected to 0.0. The prose do a good job at replicating the general stylings of scp, and the concept of, agonizing life after death is really, really good, it just, didnt need to be tacked onto 0.0 beyond the context of it just showing up there for two minutes. 6.5/10 normally, 6/10 because this didnt need to have anything to do with 0.0

[the-kipsabian]

Crush anon here I went through a stint when I was younger of losing some people back to back tho it was months / a year apart and I’ve lost a couple people a few years apart here recently one I just lost a few weeks back another just a few months ago

Grief is never ever easy but it’s much harder when you don’t experience it for a while and then suddenly you’re hit with it so quickly so much at once

The regrets are very very real and valid and I understand the connection disconnection thing felt that way about my paw he was good to me most of the time but was terrible to my mother and bad mouthed my dead nana his ex wife fairly often and she was my entire universe tbh so made for a very mixed relationship with him

Fond memories of eating out with him or going to the library

But then horrible ones of him bad mouthing my nana and him not being allowed at her funeral and him being horrid to my mom who despite my admittedly terrible relationship I still felt so much anger seeing her treated so wrongly

Point is people are complicated grief will be complicated often the more complicated the relationship with the person before they died the more complication with the grief is what I’ve found

I find myself feeling a mixture of hating not visiting my grandma in the nursing home more vs remembering times she blamed me for things that weren’t my fault or had meltdowns over small things and not necessarily feeling glad I didn’t visit more I will always regret not visiting more but it sorta in a way removes the rose tinted glasses I had as a kid before I realized and was told some of the stuff she was doing to me was wrong

I’m so sorry for such back to back losses I could never begin to imagine your exact feelings everyone grieves and feels differently and being numb is sometimes a way we can feel whether it be because we’re not ready to feel properly or we feel like we can’t because we have to remain strong for anyone else or whether it just happens

It’s okay like I said people are complicated and therefore grief will be as well and all that matters is we find what works for us and we work through it at safely and at our own pace

Sometimes it will be all at once other times it will be much more sporadic and sometimes even if it’s all at once there can still be smaller times or even bigger times we have random breaks and everything

It’s all okay, I hope you’ll be alright and I hope this makes sense and helps you somehow

I often use my own experiences to try to help others so <3

yeah its. its a lot rn. my grandpa passed away on thursday and my grandma last night so thats. yeah

the thing for me is, apart from getting hit with all of this rapid fire after not experiencing loss in years, its just.. i didnt really have a relationship in the recent years with either of them. mostly cause my grandpa wasnt really a great person and my grandma was secluded and didnt really like me so like.. yeah. i have a lot of guilt of not trying to mend any relationships like that and just having the rest of the family to handle them, but ive been living with the regrets and could-have-beens the past few days a lot and. its just a lot. especially since now theres two people like that and two relationships that are no more that i somehow need to try to deal with

idk like i said in the tags its a very complicated thing for me. im trying to do this at my own pace but its just.. odd to me. and i know its normal but i also feel guilty about it. about a lot of things, like said. i'll be fine eventually, probably cause thats just how life is and since these relationships werent that good or close.. but it still hurts. idk man

thank you tho, i do really appreciate you reaching out 💜