#so like. i might just need a bit of Brain Recovery time. or something! ill figure it out

[heat--end]

how did i get writing block when i havent even written anything..........

[jello-bbq]

Recovery

(Platonic! Tsu'tey x Avatar! Reader) (Platonic! Jake x Avatar! Reader)

They wake up to find they have nothing to recover from but are still constantly scolded for being reckless. Mo'at shares news that has them thinking of sharing their origins. (4.3 k)

Sorry this took so long I got sucked into another fandom for a bit. Also sorry that this prolly doesn't make sense bc it's 2 am rn and I fell asleep multiple times while writing this. Not proofread.

Nothing hurt. They realized that when they opened their eyes. No pain. No feeling. Nothing.

The hospital room looked bland.

"Tommy?" The name could only be whispered, and it sounded wrong as soon as it left their mouth.

No.

Slowly, they regained enough thought to realize.

They shook their head. Not Tommy.

Jake lay on a small portion of the bed, head resting on his hands. That's right. Jake. Not Tommy.

They tried to move again. This time they went slower, watching to see if Jake would wake up. He didn't. Even as their bare feet hit the tile and they made their way across the room.

But he did when the door slid open the barest inch, flinching awake. He called out their name, immediately realizing the situation. He called out again, panicked, turning to see their figure by the door.

"Are you- you're walking. You're alright?"

They could see the tiredness on his face. Lightening only slightly when they moved forward, watching them carefully as if trying to assess the damage they took.

"They said you'd be very disoriented when you wake up, you should sit down."

He guided them back to the bed. "They also said to press this button to call the doctors in-"

"Can we not?"

His finger hovers over the button.

"I mean, can I have a moment before all the doctors start rushing in and all."

"Of course, kid." A pause. He fiddles with the armrests of his wheelchair. "Do you remember what happened? The doctors said you might not since your uh... condition got activated. They said you went into combat mode."

"It's blurry," they admitted. The stillness of their thoughts concerned them. Mind awaiting a battlefield where the silence would allow them to process information quickly.

In the small hospital room, there was not enough information to process.

It felt silly. Like they were a toy. Combat mode. Condition. Illness. They felt so, formed. Like everything they were was carved from a blank slate and turned into a monstrosity. Each chunk removed. Each crack made. No thought behind each decision. None of it created by them. Just something directed. Something made. No choice but to lie back and take the beating. No choice but to live as what others have created.

Their thoughts falter when Jake begins to fill the silence. Talking about how Grace hovered over them and checked on them often, even fought multiple medical doctors. How Norm cried when he heard the news. How Tsu'tey didn't leave their side any longer than a few minutes.

And of their avatar.

"They brought it here to check the damage, Grace even said something about surgery. They got in a few scans before uh..." He watched them carefully as they nodded along. "Before Selfridge said no. Said you could handle a little poison and sent you back."

"He wasn't wrong I guess," they interrupted quietly, "but I'm surprised Grace went along with that."

"She wasn't gonna," he looked out the window, "but Mo'at said Eywa wanted you at hometree. Whatever that means."

Silence. Their head hurt from it.

"You've been taking your lessons?"

"Yeah. Nothing we could do but wait, try to learn."

They nodded. "You need to learn faster."

"What?"

They turned to him, taking in the slight confusion. He looked to be debating if the coma fucked up their brain further before they smiled. "I've had my first clean kill."

"You have not." He gaped.

They shrugged.

"That's awesome, kid! Look at you being the first ever avatar to get a clean kill." He ruffled their hair, pausing for a second. "I'll be the first to get an ikran."

They laughed. "In your dreams, white boy."

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

They decided to just call the doctors tomorrow. Or have them find out when they come to check on them. Whichever came first. Jake had fallen asleep on the side of the bed again, and they decided to pull him up to rest on it since they'd had more than their fair share of sleep.

The door opened and closed as they left, leaving behind Jake on the hospital bed who once again dreamed of flying.

They didn't exactly know what they were doing. The hallways were abandoned and dark.

The building looked completely deserted. The cafeteria empty as they walked past. Where were they going?

Everything felt blurred again. Muddled. Like their feet barely touched the floor and if someone saw them right now, they would be see-through. But still, they continued on. Walking to a destination they didn't know.

The next thing they knew, they were opening their eyes again. When had they closed them?

It took time for their eyes to adjust due to the dim light, like in the hospital room. Except this light looked clearly different. It looked alive. Streaming in through the gaps between the floor and tarp, they could swear the light pulsed softly. Steadily. A heartbeat unheard.

Why were they in their avatar?

They checked their wounds, remembering the palulukans. The arrows. Their first kill. All that they told Jake in the hospital room, eventually lulling him to sleep.

Their body looked fine. Aside from bandages around their waist. Nothing hurt here either.

Someone called out their name.

They turned, body tensing, arms raising.

"You are awake?"

"Tsu'tey?"

A breath of relief. A prayer to Eywa. A hug.

They hugged back, the warmth momentarily overtaking their mind.

Tsu'tey broke the hug first. He pulled back and looked them in the eyes. "Idiot child."

"Wow, big thing to say to someone who saved your life, hey?"

He gently slapped their forehead. "If you do something as reckless that again, I will kill you myself."

They smiled. "You're welcome."

"I will get Zeyko."

They wanted to say no, like before with Jake. But this was different.

Their avatar actually sustained physical damage. A lot of it. So they watched Tsu'tey go, using the time to finish assessing their wounds.

The bandages wrapped all around their back. Healing paste still looked fresh on some flesh wounds around their wounds. Other than that they looked okay. At least those stupid experiments had some merit.

Tsu'tey returned quickly with Zeyko, who brought a basket of something.

"You are finally awake, you will be a formidable warrior."

They returned the hug when her arms wrapped around them, avoiding the bandages on their back.

"But I will take you down myself if you continue to be so reckless."

Zeyko insisted on checking the bandages to see if anything split when they got up. Tsu'tey left to give the two privacy.

Her hand brushed against their side, and even with their back facing her, they could see the look on her face. The same look she always has whenever they'd get hurt.

"You always heal so quickly", she pointed out, "is it because of the Skypeople blood in your veins?"

They shrugged, not really in the mood to get into the whole child experiment by a government agency thing.

Zeyko seemed to understand, putting more paste on their back before rewrapping it. "By tomorrow I will be able to take this off. Try not to get into worse trouble by then."

They said goodbye as she disappeared through the flap, Tsu'tey reappearing not a few seconds later.

Tsu'tey insisted that they rest 'even in your other form' he said, laying them slowly down on the bed. "Nothing hurts?"

They shook their head. "How about you? You hit your head pretty hard."

For a moment, they think they spot a flash of embarrassment. "I am fine."

"Those palulukans felt particularly fierce," they said, letting Tsu'tey drape the blanket over them. "Why were they near that spot anyway? It's pretty rare for them to go so far, right?"

He stopped patting down the blanket, taking a seat beside the bed. "Mo'at has declared it a sign. A warning." His eyes find theirs. "Of what, we are not sure."

Maybe it was presumptuous. To think that they would be enough for Eywa to send a warning to the people. But they think it anyway, only for a short moment as Tsu'tey stands.

"Now go, you should rest."

They nod, knowing they can't argue their way out. "Goodnight."

A reply is heard faintly when they close their eyes, traveling through the neural link, and opening them to the sight of the pod's padded insides.

No one is in the lab still. They make sure to turn off the pod from the control room, not even remembering how they turned it on in the first place.

Jake is still there on the bed when they return to the room. He seems to not have moved at all.

They watch him, studying the bags under his eyes. If they'd been asleep three days, they were sure he hardly slept at all. At least from how tired he looked.

The silence didn't bother them now, having been calmed down by friends. Enough for their mind to deem it safe and exit combat mode.

They find the stack of yogurt cups in the fridge, smiling to themselves. Jake could not have filled the tiny fridge by himself. Not with three days worth of food. Nine meals.

They counted the cups which were arranged in neat lines. Norm's doing, no doubt. 23 yogurt cups.

The sight reminds them of hunger and it is as if the thought triggers their body, their stomach rumbling.

The first doctor who opens the room early in the morning is met with a strange sight. A marine sleeping in the hospital cot. The patient sleeping in a wheelchair, resting their head on the bed. And multiple cups of yogurt stacked by the bedside.

Grace and Norm visit when the news spreads that they are awake.

"You had us scared for a second there kid," Grace says warmly, even while watching the nurse who is trying to stick a needle into their vein for a blood sample. Her piercing gaze making the poor guy tremble.

Jake had also glared when he saw the needle, but someone called him out. They heard something about Quaritch.

Norm speaks up, also glaring at the nurse. "I'm surprised you aren't still sick. How did you eat 23 cups of yogurt in one go?"

"I was hungry." They shrugged with one arm, trying to keep the other still. "And I like yogurt."

"Never doubted that second part."

"How was your little rendezvous yesterday?"

They look up at Grace, who smiled. "You don't think we have cameras in there? How else will I know if anyone spits in my coffee?"

They smile slightly. "It felt okay. The body's fine. I had a few wounds but I'm getting the bandages removed tomorrow." They left out Zeyko and Tsu'tey, and Tsu'tey's words about the palulukans being a warning.

The three nodded, listening intently.

"What else?" Norm asks when they don't continue.

"What?" A pause. "I have a scratch on my right arm- or left. Right, I think-"

"He means your other injuries."

Another pause. "What injuries?"

The two look at each other, and Norm decides to explain. "When we brought you here you were in really rough shape. You had deep gashes in your back. I thought I could see your spine."

"What else?"

Grace replies this time. "A broken left arm. Shattered your wrist almost completely. You had a linear fracture on your skull."

"Is that bad?"

"Not fatally, but you should have been closely monitored."

"I think I was," they said. "Zeyko said she checked on me often."

Grace nodded, looking thoughtful. "That's nice."

"But-" Norm intervened "you're saying you only have scratches now? How is that-" He paused, realizing they all knew how. "Is that possible? Physically?"

They all turn to the nurse who has finally finished drawing the blood. He seems to realize they are asking him. "It's- it could be. With a regular human, no. But since it's your avatar and it's..."

Not regular, they assumed.

"It's possible especially since the Na'vi have stronger bodies."

Norm nodded, which the nurse took as a cue to go, leaving quickly and almost dropping the blood vial.

Another doctor came in soon after, declaring the fit to leave. Their avatar had taken all the injuries anyway.

Grace lead the way to the lab and Max hugs them upon their entrance. "They didn't tell me they were saving their yogurt cups, I only found out yesterday so I could only get two."

They smile. "It's fine, thank you."

"It's not fine," Norm said, standing beside Max. He stage whispers, "they ate all the yogurt as soon as they woke up."

"I did not."

Norm raised a brow.

"It was a little after I woke up, technically."

Max only chuckled, patting their back and prepping the pod. "Doctor cleared you for this?"

"'Course she did." The familiar feeling of gel padding immediately relaxing them. "They think I'm indestructible."

They don't miss the concerned glint in his eyes when they say that.

"But I have a feeling if I ever start a pod unauthorized again Grace will put that to the test."

Max continued pressing more buttons, grinning. "And Selfridge would be furious if he found out. Guy's been extra insufferable lately."

"An asshole's gonna be an asshole."

He smiled as the lid closed, and then their eyes were opening again.

They get up, shaking their head lightly. The light is shining through the gaps again. Morning light.

It took longer to take the doctor's clearance than they thought. They spotted the bed beside them, empty. Perhaps Tsu'tey got tired of waiting for them to wake again.

When they open the tent flap, they gaze upon an unfamiliar part of hometree. Somewhere secluded. Of course, they thought. A sick skyperson can be nowhere near the people.

Even so, they take a step outside. The moss under their feet feels like home. The sunlight on their skin.

The animals way below, their calls making it to their ears, which twitched as they tried to pick out specific sounds.

The forest looked welcoming, but they settle for the branches, not wanting to stray too far.

They lay on one of the branches. Breathing in. Breathing out. Watching the light filter through the leaves.

Like that, they could forget the blur of memories they couldn't quite remember.

When they stayed still long enough, it felt like they could hear it. Feel it. The energy that connected everything. The power. Each breath borrowed. Each life tied to an end.

It felt nice to fill their head with such thoughts and feelings, instead of war or injury.

As if out of spite, a shot of pain rips through their leg. It makes them shoot up and grab at it. But it is gone as quickly as it appeared.

A reminder, they think.

"There you are."

They turn, seeing Mo'at approaching them. They stand, bowing and greeting her.

"Oel Nga'ti Kameie, Tsahik."

She returned the gesture. "You are walking so soon after your injuries, does it not hurt?"

"No."

"And yet I saw you hiss as if in pain just now."

Their eyes find the ground. They didn't lie but they had yet to explain anything about her condition to any Na'vi. Not Mo'at or Zeyko or Tsu'tey or Neytiri. No one.

"It is different, I am well."

Her piercing eyes study theirs. "If you say so. Sit, we must talk."

Oh, they think as they follow her words and sit back down. She's here to talk about the warning.

Just as they think it, Mo'at confirms.

"Eywa has told me of your bravery in response to her warning. She has talked to you."

They don't remember anything like that, but somehow they know the answer is yes.

"The warning, she cannot say what of. It will impact our future too strongly if we know."

They nod along. Were they enough to have that big an impact?

"She has told me something else."

They look up at her, and she is watching them with a softer gaze. She says something that shocks them. Halting their thoughts. Like the information got stuck between the cogs of their brain.

She leaves with a smile. They don't know how long it is until they stand and make their way back to the tent. But her words ring in their mind.

"Unbelievable", they think aloud.

"What is?"

They look up. Tsu'tey stands in front of the tent, two bowls in his hands.

"Nothing. Is that for me?"

He nods, motioning them into the tent. There he tells them to sit down and hands them a bowl. Talioang meat. Their favorite.

"I've been told you haven't been hunting lately."

Another flash of embarrassment. Brief, but clearly there. "I did today."

They nodded, taking the carved husk and gratefully scarfing down its contents. Tsu'tey ate carefully in contrast.

Still, as soon as their mind wandered they were pulled again to those words. Mo'at had really surprised them. They went to tell Tsu'tey when he spoke first.

"I would like to show you something today, if that is fine."

What could he be planning to show them? They obviously hadn't seen everything the forest had to offer, but what was so new that he had to ask to show it to them?

"Sure, that'd be nice."

They ate in silence, Tsu'tey taking the bowls after. Just as he left, the flap was opened, and in came Jake, grinning. Sweat stuck to his skin and he breathed heavily. It was clear that he ran from one of Neytiri's lessons to check on them.

He kept his questions quick, looking like he kept a mental count of the seconds to know when he should head back. And he did after around two minutes, calling out a "just wait! I'll get my clean kill in no time!"

Zeyko arrived just a little after that, all soft smiles and lilting laughs. She carefully unbandaged them as if they were gravely ill, inspecting their back to make sure the wounds were healed. Then she excused herself, talking about a direhorse accident that needed to be attending to.

When she left, they exited the tent again, going back to the branch they'd previously laid on. Maybe they should've felt restless, having had three days of deep sleep. But all they felt was tired.

It scared them to sleep. Maybe they would go back into a coma if they did. Was that how those worked?

Even so, as they stared up at the leaves drifting with the wind, they found themselves falling asleep.

This time, Tsu'tey found them. Sleeping on a patch of moss bathed in sunlight. He almost didn't want to wake them. But they woke without him doing anything.

Eyes blinking open and brows furrowing in confusion when they see they are outside.

"You should not be sleeping here, you could fall." He extended a hand. "It is a long way down."

The two began the walk back to the tent in silence.

They brushed the sleep from their eyes, shaking their head as if rattling their thoughts back into place. After a while, they realized they would have already passed the tent, looking around and seeing that they were being led elsewhere.

Tall ferns brushed against their arms, getting thicker and thicker as they went.

Tsu'tey kept to a small track, woven through the plants with care, looking back every so often to check that they still followed.

It felt familiar. And they realized it was. They had taken this path once before, hadn't they?

They were about to ask when they nearly bumped into Tsu'tey's back.

"Sorry."

He said nothing and stepped aside to show a particularly large fern leaf, then he pulled it aside to reveal an alcove.

An indent in the tree. Wide and deep enough to lie down comfortably.

He guided them to it, and the two sat there in comfortable silence. After three days, they could finally continue their daily activity. Watching the eclipse take place.

Darkness slowly but surely enveloping the forest. Casting its shadow over everything.

There is a moment of true darkness. A short moment, before the world lit up again. A light of its own. Scattered colors shining and almost twinkling.

An entirely different world in just a few seconds. All from the comfort of the alcove, which shielded them from the cool night air.

They had a lot of questions but voiced none of them. Silence felt fitting. They didn't understand the significance of the alcove, but they felt like he had shown them something intimate. Like he had told them something that he had never told anyone else. And they wondered why he would do that.

Because they saved his life?

No that wasn't it. There was something else.

They don't know why. But something in them is reeling to talk. To finally tell someone what they are.

Maybe because of Mo'at's words and how, if they didn't tell anybody now, telling them later would be more of a betrayal. What were Mo'at's words? Prepare yourself, you wil soon have your iknimaya.

"Do you remember when Zeyko asked why I bleed so much?"

He glanced at them, confused by the sudden question, but nodded anyway. "You said people do not enjoy hearing why."

"They don't. It's not - it isn't something they understand easily."

This seemed to pique his interest.

They begin to wonder if they should say it. But if they didn't, and what Mo'at said would happen happened. Without anyone knowing that they were unnatural. Only shipped to Pandora for the barest chance of them being useful in keeping the Na'vi in line.

So they do say it. Starting from the beginning. From how they were made from DNA of fallen soldiers. To how they were raised in a bunker, exposed to experiments that burned information into their head. To how they were freed, only to end up in a larger cage.

How the RDA bought them like a piece of equipment. Right off the government's hands. Hoping to make use of their knowledge in the fight starting on Pandora.

How they built them an avatar and locked them in it for days to experiment on their human body, and vice versa.

All the horrors of their past.

How they all lead to them on Pandora to fight against the people, not learn from them as they had been doing.

When they finished, they went quiet. Allowing him time to process. Preparing themselves for the chance of him pushing them over the edge to get rid of another annoyance.

This was selfish of them after all. To share their sob story and tack in the addition of them being a possible weapon against the people.

"You should not have come to my aid."

They balk. What? It's as if he hears the question and continues.

"I am a warrior. A warrior should protect, not be protected."

They don't protest, too confused by his words.

"You said you are a warrior, you are not. A human child cannot be a warrior." The words come with a frost to them.

He stares ahead now as if he is still replaying the sunset and eclipse in his mind. Turning back time to that moment in the forest with his arrow against their chest. Maybe he imagines he lets go of the bowstring, and the pain is eradicated then and there.

"It is hard to believe. You are all smaller, softer, and yet violent and cowardly. Hiding away in metal contraptions." Oh. They understood now. "How can a skyperson, a child, risk their life for another? If it was that easy-"

His words were confused. Anger and confusion. Anger and sadness. It all led to this. The teaching. The begrudging acquaintanceship. Skypeople had taken too much from him. Too much. And yet they dared give him something in return. They dare save him.

"You lie and you steal and you cannot be taught. But a child-" He shakes his head slightly. "Why is a child a warrior? Why does a child risk their life?"

They dare let a child save him. A child, of all things. After all of it, they dare send a child to soften his heart.

And maybe he felt angry at himself, too. For needing to be saved. For being caught by surprise. And for letting their little ploy work. For feeling scared for the skyperson, as if their people hadn't killed his without mercy.

This is why he hated any sort of relationship. They always had to be complicated by love or hate or anything.

Granted, this surely presented itself as an outlier in its complexity. The next Na'vi to lead the people growing to care for the one the enemy with an inkling to destroy them.

The people he hated so much. The one he tried to treat like a sibling after many months of resistance, thinking that after those months they are different.

But they are not.

They are the same.

They are worse.

But in his moment of betrayal, he thinks of the night before.

When they woke up, he stayed to watch them go back to sleep before leaving. Walking to the tree of voices.

He talked to Sylwanin there. About the dreamwalker. About how he had grown to care for them and felt conflicted. Like he had betrayed the people.

She comforted him, but when he asked for advice she gave her usual words. That others wiser than her still lived. But she said something else.

"Children are children because they are growing. Grace Augustine told me that, it seemed so obvious." She laughed softly. "Perhaps your skyperson can grow to be one of the people. A child should not be blamed for what they were born to be, do you not think?"

He looks at the child beside him. A child. He had been thinking of them as a child the whole time, why did he suddenly think differently when they told him? As if they intentionally deceived him. And the People. The Tsahik. The Olo'eyktan.

"A child should not be blamed for what they were born to be," he says, repeating her words in the cool air, "or for what they have endured."

Tag list:

@rebeccao03 @eywas-heir

[drdemonprince]

a lot of times i feel like i need aftercare after just masturbating because i end up Going There in my thoughts in order to come. do you experience this too? if so, other than finding a human to talk to afterwards, do you have advice on this?

I do experience this! Because what I am into is very intense and heady, I often feel really weird and dysregulated after jacking off and do something in the way of aftercare.

The first thing I do, truth be told, is remove myself from whatever screens I was using, take any gear or restraints or clothing off, and then pace around the house for a few minutes talking to myself, going "Ugh!!! Ugh!!" or "what the fuck! what the fuck was that!" or "that was a good one god damn" or "wow im so fucking insane" or narrating out the end of whatever scenario i was locked into. or even repeating mantras relevant to what i was just doing. it really helps me to verbalize whatever im feeling in that moment, to mentally offload excess energy and begin to gear shift.

then i stand naked in the kitchen for a while drinking a cold glass of water and begin talking to myself more in the way i usually do when im not in a headspace. this usually involves hyping myself up into tackling the next objective for the day. so ill say things like "okay, now we need to vaccuum the carpet and THEN we will lay out an outfit for the party later" or "its time to get out of the house and get some sunshine, man" or "shit we forgot to send that email".

then, if nothing on the agenda for the day is too urgent, i'll usually curl up like a goblin with some snacks and a youtube video. aldi spicy salmis and brie cheese and nick diramio clip breakdown videos are favorite staples. cereal and mike mgtv's videos about bartending and queer bar culture are fun, frothy distractions too. if it's night time ill also curl up in a fuzzy blanket and maybe a stuffed toy.

i also sometimes like to wake my brain back up by reading something mildly intellectually stimulating but concrete, and not *too* demanding of long attention. something kind of practical and grounded and nonsexual. so like, ill scroll the r/amateurinteriordesign page on reddit or r/vanlife to look at the various homes people have made in small spaces, or ill check my favorite investment blog. nothing too heady or abstract.

after ive cooled down for a bit, like an hour or something, then ill be ready to put clothing on and maybe act like a human. a walk outdoors also helps once im not jittery or dissociated. but i find i dont want to engage with anybody or have to pretend to be a person until ive had adequate time to down regulate and savor the headspace i was in.

thanks for asking this question anon, i thought i might be unusual for being like this so it's nice to hear someone else goes through this too. honestly the recovery time and the fact a need for it exists is a big part of the fun! it helps reveal just how genuinely intense the experience and headspace actually was.

[ofdinosanddais1]

One business idea I have is a cafe/restaurant that is dedicated gluten free (as well as a separate kitchen for top 8 allergies) that is also dedicated to accommodating mental health (especially eating disorders)

The stuff it'd include:

A tablet ordering system that can omit nutritional information BUT if you have diabetes then it can also calculate the sugar for you so you don't have to spend so much time looking at it and getting anxious over calories and stuff or, if the sugar numbers overwhelm you too, then a medical professional be requested to help you with you insulin and everything so that you can eat without exposing yourself to triggers.

The ability to eat in an open space OR a separate booth that can be closed off with a curtain OR a room that can be reserved ahead of time if space is limited that you can close and staff will not interact with you at all if you want to eat whether this be because you're autistic or you feel uncomfortable eating in front of other people.

A dining room that is accessible as I can physical manage not only for mental illness but for mobility aid users, people with chronic pain, heat intolerant people, plastic straws in a cup at the table so that, if you need a straw, you don't need to ask for it but you aren't obligated to take a straw if you want to reduce plastic waste but also stuff like utensils for people with limited mobility, seats designed to make it easier to transfer in a wheelchair, a place to keep your crutches and canes without worrying if it'll trip someone.

I'd also want some kind of function where you can request heating pads if you have chronic pain so that you don't have to bring your own.

CNAs to assist disabled people so that waitstaff can focus on serving people and the CNAs, who have proper training in assisting disabled people, can help with what task someone needs it because, even with how I want to use as many accessibility tools as possible, some people with higher support needs might need a helper and might not be able to afford a full-time helper or be able to afford one at all.

I'd want it to be a place that connects with certain mental health/occupational therapy practices where people who don't feel comfortable eating in restaurants and have that as a goal in their recovery or accessibility, can have that place as a stepping stone in their journey or if someone just wants to go out to eat with their friends and family like every other person, then they have that option. Clarification: I also want to figure out a way to show that the restaurant does not support ABA practices and that the restaurant is about centering disability so I wanna dissuade people who bring others to that restaurant to be like "oh we'll use it to train our autistic child to go to a non-accessible restaurant". Fuck no, unacceptable. I not only want the child to have a nice dining experience but also, I don't want people coming into a restaurant full of autistic people and trying to teach an autistic person that their autistic body and brain is wrong.

That like program thing where people can pay a little extra to donate a meal to unhoused people or people with unstable housing or if someone just can't afford a meal then they don't have to worry about going hungry.

Service dog relief area but also like a service dog unwinding area with maybe like a little bit of green space where they can run around for a bit and take a break from taking care of their human and also a menu item where dogs can get a treat or something. And also a bed for them so they can lay on something nice instead of the floor. Essentially a service dog appreciation service. (I would consider charging for the little service dog treat but specifically to donate to organizations that train service dogs or an animal rescue). Idk my mom has a service dog and I've always had that idea and I would have training for ALL of my staff about proper service dog interactions as in no petting, no talking, no asking for "registration" or "papers" and that, if a service dog is having a bad day and causing a disturbance, then they can only ask the managers to ask them to leave. Nobody can make an assumption that a dog is not a service dog and they can only ask the two questions the ADA allows.

In addition to the training on service dogs, they'd also get training on how not to be an asshole as in don't make assumptions, don't ask inappropriate questions, don't be an asshole about someone's diet, all that shit.

Overall, this is an expensive business venture especially since I want all employees to be making a comfortable wage (ie: afford living expenses, be able to take out a loan for a car or something, go on vacation, be unburdened with medical bills, be able to have savings so like $25/hr minimum probably for my specific location). So I'd probably also have like a giftshop or something where people can buy t-shirts or like mugs or something so that the food wouldn't have to be outrageously expensive.

Anyway, would any rich people like to fund this idea?

[rianafying]

i’m starving and i’m hungover and i’m in trouble. my sd card got corrupted and i might lose all the work i’ve done in january, which is a LOT of work. i just need to talk to my friends. the timing is bad because they’re either at work or asleep rn. i’m about to throw up.

it’s fine i reached them, after they woke up. spoke to friends, i feel better emotionally. but worse physically because it’s been so long since i’ve had some food. any food. there’s so much shit i need to buy but no money to buy them. i’m scared that one of these days i’ll have to resort to ebegging. i don’t want to do that. because im not even doing that bad but i feel terrible. and im prone to heavily catastrophizing every situation im faced with. somehow i have linked this sd card failure to the downfall of my career that i have worked so hard to build. if you dont have catastrophizing anxiety, you dont know what it feels like to imagine every single worst possible outcome and believe it to be true. but somehow throughout my life, it has been. what i feared kept coming true. but fearing it and being paralysed by it, didn’t help my case. apparently it’s in my brain chemistry to do this and also to have chronic pain. apparently there’s something wrong in my hypothalamus, pituitary gland, amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex. they’re are all fucked up and feel wayyy more pain than is ever necessitated. i feel like im spiralling out of control at a faster rate than i can reel it back in. for most of my life ive been getting wounded more than i could heal. and now im limping my way through life, and hating almost every second of it despite trying so hard not to.

i had a full breakdown today, worse than other breakdowns. i feel super defeated. people are being nice to me. somehow that is making me feel even worse. things keep going wrong. there is no escaping tragedy.

day 3 of this same journal entry. i’m officially out of money. even my coins. i have a little bit of usd in my absolute emergency fund, but i really don’t want to have to touch that. i have a week to go before i get paid a bit of money. which will still not be enough because i had to use afterpay to buy some necessary stuff at kmart, and now i have to pay it back. things rlly are tough out here. thinking i should not fix my laptop and instead spend that money like normal. like use it to get by nicely for a while. then what? at what point will i be able to get a real regular job? i found out for sure this month that i can’t make it to work on 25% of days due to my illness. so what work could i do. rlly upset about losing the images on my sd card. i haven’t permanently lost them yet, but, it’s far too expensive to recover. i was considering recovering the data when im in bangladesh but i dont think id trust the data recovery service in dhaka anyway. they’ll probably fail at the task and also ruin my card. things are so wrong rn. my microwave, my pan, my passport, my myki, my financial situation, the burnt skin on my face, my psoriasis and arthritis, my hair situation, my multiple severe nutritional deficiencies and chronic pain, my various mental illnesses, my awful dirty room, my inability to work on any, let alone every, one of these problems. i just get paralysed and bed rot for days. this is officially too much for me. it’s too many things to deal with. i’m not built for even half of this. how can i give up without like kms, like what’s another way to give up? because bed rotting isn’t cutting it. i could really use some help. when i asked for help, my uncle said to visit my friend in sydney, or to visit bangladesh, neither of which is going to actually help my situation, because ill be miserable regardless of where i am, until my problems have been resolved. and both of these things are expensive as fuck, like, what’s a girl supposed to do. i don’t wanna go on a $200 trip to sydney when my sd card requires a $400 data recovery. that’s just the tip of the iceberg that is my situation.

no amount of talking to people, or going on trips is going to solve my problems. which is painful for me to say because i’ve been dying to do something fun for once. not that i don’t have fun in melbourne i do, but that’s cause i try to enjoy work, and romanticise the life i already have. and because im not yet a local local, i can still experience melbourne like a tourist. with fresh eyes. anyway, yeah, im deleting bumble because its stupid, let’s be real im never gonna go on a date w a strangers plus i dont even respond to people because im obviously not ready to actually give this a chance. not yet at least. costar says i let my need for stability stunt relationship growth. but i’m okay with that, or at least i would be if i had any stability. right now i feel like i have the short end of every stick. no it feels like i have no stick at all. the universe or god or whatever is out there is giving me a huge middle finger and laughing at my suffering.

they say that i’m overthinking or that even if there is a problem there’s a solution. what’s the solution to not having enough money to solve my problems? by the time i might have money, these problems will have caused critical damage. what’s the solution to the weight i carry around from never feeling safe or loved my whole entire life. what’s the solution to the mother shaped void in my heart. what’s the solution to the fear of losing my sibling and friends. i cope, and i deal, but it never really goes away. even now as i’ve hit my weekly rock bottom, i’m trying to list things to be grateful for, to see the glass as half full. but i can’t lie, the glass is not half full. i’ve been running on a nearly empty tank for as long as i can remember. even if i somehow manage to get my tank full, there’s like holes in it that can never be permanently patched. i destroy everything i touch, i let down everyone i know, and i keep getting chances. i don’t need another chance. i need a break. i don’t want to prove myself, unless it is to prove that i fail.

i’m told that the broader focus of my life during this time is to clear away built-up structures that have been holding me back. excess is not always abundance. i’m supposed to decide what's worth keeping and what to pass up. apparently my sense of well-being relies on my willingness to seize new opportunities, which is a commendable move for someone who will only settle for all or nothing. “use this moment to streamline your aesthetic by getting rid of excess that no longer gives you pleasure.” this could not be more on the nose. fine i’ll pack some stuff up and head drop it in a donation bin. it will clear up some space in my room too. this might be good. give me some literal and also mental space to work with. also on the nose is “make sure you're not doing that thing where you over-intellectualize your experience, and then convince yourself that you know all the laws of the universe.” okay i get it. thank you for spelling it out for me. maybe now i will finally listen. i’m certainly being spied on. most of life is out of my control but i choose joy.

i couldn’t attend the invasion day protest today because i was on the phone talking a loved one out of killing herself. i shouldn’t feel guilty, it’s not like i had a choice in that scenario. i’m told that in most scenarios, there is no such thing as “fault”. if my goal was to shift blame, i could use all the words in the world to make myself innocent, but that’s not what i want, that’s not what i’m familiar with.

i think that maybe i would like to have a fresh start. i dont know what a fresh start would even look like. to go back in time a couple of years? how many years? at what point was it fresh? go back to when i was born? be born to different people? be a different person? a fresh start to me would be one in which so much is different from how my life is right now, that i don’t know how it would even be mine. this is who i am, all the terrible things that make up, well, me. and a fresh start wouldn’t be me, or it wouldn’t be fresh. i’m stale and im crusty, to the core of my being.

maybe i just need to go on a walk.

[indigo-a-creeping]

All that personal stuff!

Anxiety is gnawing away at me again, but generally I can recognize that it’s coming from me, and not outside sources, so... that’s something. I also feel like I’m not as sharp as I used to be. Is it aging? Is it mental illness? Some sneaky undiagnosed COVID brain fog? Who knows?

Sent an email and made a call (after extensive research), and I’m taking steps towards investigating the possibility of top surgery. I’ve been thinking about it for a couple years now, and it’s sounding more and more appealing (and then the other day I randomly thought, I’d actually make a really hot guy if I could grow the right kind of facial hair! Even on T family genetics would not be on my side, but something to think about anyway). I’m looking into mental health professionals because 1. I will need a letter to be approved by both insurance and the surgeon, and 2. anxiety. After my last experience, I will perhaps know better what to look for.

My main concern with surgery is recovery. I generally heal fast and am very independent, but I’m going to need help. I’m not going to ask my mom to come take care of me like she did after my hysterectomy (she couldn’t anyway because she’s taking care of my dad). It’s not her business at all. I have some friends in town who I can probably ask to come and help me out, especially with the animals, but it’s going to be a lot to ask. We’ll see, though. One step at a time.

Got a new bed! The frame is a leaf and vine design that’s really pretty, and I got a really nice mattress really cheap because it was used (just for a week). I love it.

Work is going well, but I feel like I peaked early and perhaps now I’m a disappointment. But that’s the anxiety too.

I came up with a last-minute plan (three weeks out, which is last-minute for me) that I should take Peri on a short trip to Great Smoky Mountains National Park to revisit some old places we loved there, and then a couple days to visit friends in Missouri while we’re up that way. I’m waiting to hear back from my best childhood friend to see about her plans, then I’ll request time off and find places to stay along the way. NOT ready to be spending time with my mom, but I figure if I’m just there for two days and I have most of that time filled with my own plans, it won’t be too bad. Peri will like it. Maybe we’ll stop at Rock City on the way back. It’s such a cool place, and they allow dogs! Planning trips is almost as fun as going on them.

I’ve been leading my DnD group every other week, with 5e rules but my own quests and design. So far it’s been mostly monster/challenge-of-the-week, but there are things building up in the background too. I have a fun mix of characters, including Aggressively Angry, Chaotic Chaos, Crying Child, and Stray Accountant. There’s a fifth who hasn’t felt up to joining yet, but as long as three of them are there it works out fine. I hope they’re enjoying themselves!!! I am! Haven’t really planned for our next session, but I have over a week to do so.

I’m trying to write a bit too, because the DBH fandom hasn’t quite released me yet. I’ve barely written anything since the summer, and that might be contributing to my problems (and it’s almost definitely a result of them).

[fictionadventurer]

Wait! I’m intensely interested in what you call the Gaskell approach to mental health!

Basically, it's an approach to mental health that starts with: don't sit inside reading all the time, go outside and get exercise and sunshine, and eat good, nutrient-dense food.

I'll never forget the day that I was sitting through a training course about mental health that gave statistics showing that America had better rates of recovery from mental illness in the 1850s than we do today. The 1850s. You know, before widespread psychiatric care and medications were available. I'm not saying that these advances haven't done good things, and clearly the historical approach to treating mental illness had, to put it mildly, some major flaws, but if they were having better recovery rates in the 1850s than we do today, it suggests they were doing something right.

The training went into a few of the details that might have contributed to this--and it has been a few years since I saw this training course, so I'm probably going to get the details wrong, but here's what I can piece together (with a bit of help from Gaskell). Doctors would prescribe things like taking walks or going out into the sunshine or changing diet--and these would be written out with instructions that should be followed like any other prescription, giving guidance that was more specific than "You should get more exercise." And there was a general idea that mental health problems were temporary. You'd have a bout of depression or some kind of nervous breakdown, the doctor would provide treatment, and you would get through it and return to health. And of course there were more severe and difficult and chronic cases, but judging by the fact that they had better recovery rates, people did get cured.

Reading Gaskell earlier this year gave me a better idea as to why. In Wives and Daughters, we have Osbourne, whose temperament tends to depression, which gets worse when he suffers several severe setbacks. He isolates himself, staying inside and trying to write poetry. His family urges him to go outside, get out of his own head, and stop reading so many books--not with an anti-intellectual bent, mind you, because Roger is even more of an intellectual, but with the understanding that it's not healthy to sit inside and wallow in thoughts and emotions so much, and that good fresh air and sunshine and exercise could do a lot to help pull him out of his funk. And though Osbourne never quite listens to his family's advice, he does do better when he's doing something and going somewhere.

What rocked me even more (and made me label this the Gaskell approach to mental health) was reading Cousin Phillis. There's a scene where the narrator's boss suffers a severe illness requiring a lot of recovery time. Phillis's family urges the narrator to bring his boss to their farm over the weekend, because they're certain that the fresh country air and sunshine will do him loads of good. The mother even says something along the lines of, "We'll give him milk from our best cow, and her milk is as good as cream." That floored me. From a modern perspective, it was insane to see something labeled as a health food because it's higher in fat. But it's such a common-sense approach to nutrition. Fat is a nutrient. Your body needs nutrients, especially when it's trying to recover from illness. Your brain needs fat to function. When a modern person would have been counting calories or calculating out exact percentages of every nutrient, the Victorians were going, "We'll give you as much good food as possible." To be clear, good food also included a lot of fresh vegetables and meat, so it's not like they were just shoving him full of fatty junk food, but the idea was that food was a good thing for health. It's so much more human to look at food, not as an enemy, but as a tool for healing.

When you think about our modern world, where people live more than ever in urban areas, sit inside reading screens all day (often as part of their job), and those screens are telling them that they need to resist food, calculate food, war against food, is it any wonder that people aren't recovering from mental illness? We've had tons of advances in analyzing and treating mental illness, but reading Gaskell makes me think that people of the past already had a pretty good idea of how to promote mental health.

[eveefrost19]

The Deal

Ok i tried my hand at a fic with Demon Sans. Please don’t hate if I got this wrong. Thank you again @seirindono for the permission to do this. Sorry again if it sucks.

The Deal

           When you had turned 18 your parents decided to surprise you by leaving in the dead of night. They left you with two things. The debt they had collected over the years and your 11 year old brother to raise. There were no relatives that would take you and your brother in and no friends to turn to. It was just you and your brother. Three years later, your brother was diagnosed with and inoperable tumor that was growing on his brain. The doctors gave him 7 years to live.        

           The doctors had decided to keep him overnight for treatment plans and testing the next day, but they would not let you stay with him. Feeling lonely at home and so overwhelmed you thought drinking a beer would help you feel better. One beer turned to two, two became three, and after the fourth you had lost count and were thoroughly drunk. It was only then that you finally let yourself break down.

           It just wasn’t fair. Wasn’t it enough that your parents left you two on your own with debt that you were still struggling to pay? Was Life so cruel that it would add more debt and bills that you had no hope in paying? Is the God that people say is merciful so sadistic that he would have you watch the one person you care about and work so hard for die right before your eyes? What the hell was the point of all this? What lesson was there to be learned? ISN’T THERE ANYONE LISTENING TO YOUR PRAYERS?

           “relax kid, i heard ya.”

           Hearing someone respond to your break down was not what you were expecting. Let alone some skeletal demon standing in front of you holding out his hand like he wanted you to shake it. You think he is a demon anyway, with the bone horns that curl around to the back of his skull and dark blue tail that ends with an arrow tip swaying in a lazy like matter behind him. “names sans. im the demon of sloth. let’s make a deal.”

           This must be some drunken hallucination. Your poor broken and drunk mind is trying to cope by making up a demon of all things as a savoir. There is just no way this was really happening. Might as well go with it. What’s the harm in finding some hope no matter how false it was? So you tell ‘Sans’ everything. The debt, the upcoming bills, and your brother’s tumor. It honestly was a relief to finally tell someone what was going on. Imaginary or not.

           Through it all Sans said nothing. He listened to everything you had to say with a bored, if somewhat, sleepy expression. When you spilled out everything he had a thoughtful look to his eye lights. Then with a knowing and sadistic smirk, not that you noticed in your state, he made you an offer.

           “you poor soul, having to shoulder all that responsibility all on your own. only then to be told that it is all in vain. such is life i suppose. how about i help you out a little? not much really. hard work is something i strive to avoid. i will cure your brother of his illness. it’s a simple matter to do really. i will also ensure financial stability for seven years. i promise that you and your brother will be able to live more than comfortably for seven years. in return, you give me your sou. not right now. i will collect your soul in seven years. this is not something i offer to anyone, but it seems like you could use a bit of a break. so, do we have a deal?”

           Sans offers his hand again. Do you shake it? Do you accept the deal of a demon? Seven years isn’t long. But if it means saving your brother and clearing the debt that he won’t be saddle with then it is worth it. Besides, this isn’t really happening anyway. There is nothing wrong in entertaining your drunken hallucination. Convinced that there were no real harm you took the demon’s smooth boney hand and shook it. The deal has been made.

           The morning of you are awoken to your phone ringing. You don’t even remember getting into bed. It’s your brother’s doctor calling and he needs you to the hospital right away. A miracle has happened. Your brother’s tumor was gone. He had made a full recovery overnight.

           A week later, a lawyer came to your home. Your parents had died in a plane crash. They left you half a million dollars. More than enough money to pay off all debts, bills, and to live a comfortable life. You are starting to think that Sans was real after all. However, you can’t feel like making that deal was a bad choice. You and your brother are alive and can finally be happy. Seven years is not a long time. So you are going to live your life to the fullest with your brother.

           And for seven years you did. You taught your brother how to drive and helped him get his driver’s license at 16. You were there when he received the highest honors in graduating high school at 18. You supported him when he told you that he was dating a boy that he feel in love with at work. You were there to witness his proposal to that same boy when he was 20.  

           And now seven years since you sold your soul, you are once again home alone and drunk. (Hey it’s your last night alive you didn’t expect to be sober did you?) Your brother is at his finance’s house, he practically lives there now. You realize that you actually don’t want to die in the house. There is a spot that you and your brother go to see the stars. It is a nice, quiet, and beautiful place. Why not go there to die?

           After your fourth (or was it fifth) beer you find your keys and head to the car. It is late enough in the evening that no cars should be out. And the spot is only 15 minuets away. What is the harm in a small road trip while drunk? There is a lot of harm in a short drive while drunk.

           You don’t remember seeing the car. You certainly don’t remember the impact. What you do remember is how familiar the car looked. The dread you felt as you got out of your car to check on the other driver. The horror you felt as you recognize the driver. You remember how the asphalt felt as you fell to your knees while wailing as you look at the dead empty eyes of your brother.

           “i kept my promises. you and your bro lived happily and he was cured. but, even i can’t change his fate. he was destined to die tonight one way or the other. it has been seven years, it is time for you to hold up your end of the deal.”

______________________________________________________________

Thank you all for reading, I hope you enjoyed, Sorry if it was too long, and I’m sorry if you hated it. But thank you all the same. 

[cookiesnt]

Mondo, Byakuya, Leon, Fuyuhiko+Natsumi, Kazuichi and Korekiyo with a little sister who got appendicitis

tw: Implied neglect in Fuyuhiko, Kazuichi and Korekiyo’s part

My brain decided that it wants to write tonight lol

Mondo:

He noticed that you weren’t yourself and got a bit worried, so he brought you to a doctor he knew he could trust.

That doctor ended up sending you to the hospital for more testing.

Mondo is a very, very protective big brother, so he was fearing the worst.

First Daiya, and now you.

He couldn’t lose you too.

The doctor ended up diagnosing you with appendicitis and recommended surgery.

Mondo agreed. He was terrified of losing you.

When you came back from surgery, he spoiled you rotten.

If you wanted it, you got it.

He never left your side during your recovery, and he has a constant eye on you once you were better.

The fact that even some rival gags left get well soon cards was enough to put him at ease, though.

Byakuya:

Like Mondo, he noticed you weren’t yourself.

You were drowsy, whiny and clingy.

He won’t admit it, but he has a major soft spot for you, so he brought you to the doctor right away. 

Of course, it was the top pediatric doctor in all of Japan.

As soon as you got a diagnosis, Byakuya cleared his entire work schedule for the next 2 months.

You went in for surgery and he was by your side when you woke up.

You were given amazing post-op care, but all you cared about was your big brother being with you.

He made it very clear to the entire world that he would not accept so much as a phone call during your recovery.

You were his only priority.

Once you recovered and he went back to work, he made sure you were under constant medical supervision.

He refuses to say he’s overprotective.

Leon:

He was out of town for a game when your parents called him with the news.

“She’s going for surgery, I just thought you should-” “I’ll be on the next plane.” “Wait wha- Hello? Leon?!”

Sure enough, he was in the room when you woke up.

You hadn’t seen him in over two months because of school and his games, so you were very happy to see him.

“You really came to see me?” “Of course! That’s what big brother’s are for!”

The whole team sent you get well soon cards and gifts.

Your hospital room was super decked out.

For support, Leon’s team did a game to raise money for the hospital you were in.

It was a huge success and raised a lot of money.

Once you recovered, he went back to travelling and doing school, but now he called you every single night.

Fuyuhiko:

Natsumi was the once to point out that something seemed wrong.

Against your parents wishes, they brought you to a doctor.

Once the doctor said you needed surgery, they panicked.

You needed your parents to sign of on the surgery, and since your parents had no need of you, they refused.

Fuyuhiko ended up bribing the doctors.

He didn’t care about the consequences, he just wanted you to be okay. Natsumi felt the same way.

Your parents weren’t there when you woke up, but your brother and sister were.

“How ya feelin’, kiddo? Any pain?” “Mm... Fuyu...”

You were very clingy during your recovery.

Your siblings didn’t mind and coddled you during the entire process.

Once you wet back home, they were scolded by your parents.

They never apologized, however.

Instead, they just made a promise to protect you even more.

Fuyuhiko even made a silent promise to have your parents ‘removed’ once he had the power to do so...

Kazuichi:

When he realized you were sick, he hated that there was nothing he could do.

Your father would rather die than bring you to a doctor, as he saw you as a burden more than anything.

Kazuichi ended up asking the school for help.

The school had a lot of power, and you ended up being removed from the home and placed under the schools care.

You were sent for immediate surgery.

The doctor told Kazuichi that if you waited any longer, you might not have survived.

It was terrifying for him to hear.

His entire class, despite never meeting you, made cards and sent balloons and toys.

Once you recovered, you stayed with him in his dorm.

He made a promise to always protect and keep you safe.

He wasn’t going to let you suffer again.

Korekiyo:

He found out when he got a call from the hospital in your hometown.

You had fainted in class and were rushed to the hospital, where you were given a diagnosis. 

He tried to get ahold of your parents, but never got a response.

The hospital ended up operating on you without parental consent, but the doctor said he had done it numerous times when there was obvious neglect.

Once Korekiyo arrived at the hospital, he never left your side.

Being in a hospital was incredibly difficult for him, especially since he was once again dealing with an ill sibling.

This time, however, your parents weren’t even pretending to care.

The one time they came to visit was the time they told him to take care of you.

You never saw them again.

He didn’t care one bit. All that mattered was your safety.

Even if it meant abandoning his studies, he protected you.

“My sweet dear... You will never need to worry about neglect and fear ever again... Not while I am here to guard you...”

[platoniclokiimagines]

Hey I love your blog so much it has become my safe place! Could you write something where reader is recovering from a restrictive eating disorder and loki is there for her? Im there myself and support from my favorite character would be warmly welcomed 💙

A/N: Normally this would be at the end of this little section, here, but I wanted to put this first because I would like to very much apologize for this being so beyond late. I hope that you’re still here, still reading this blog, and still finding solace in Loki. Disordered eating is something that I’ve been struggling with for the past several years, too, and I know how difficult it can be to come back from that. I appreciate you entrusting me and my Loki to help comfort you, and I hope you know that you are never never never alone. Stay strong, dear one. We’re rooting for you.

WC: 1367

TW: eating disorder, eating disorder recovery // Please please PLEASE do not read this if you do not think that this is something that you can handle.

You’d been staring at the open refrigerator for what feltlike hours, and you were certain you would have stayed there for several more,if you hadn’t heard the soft voice behind you.

“Y/N?”

You didn’t turn around; you didn’t need to, to recognize theperson speaking.

Loki had been the best, when it came to helping you throughthe steps to recovery after you’d admitted how much trouble you’d been havingeating, and they had been doing everything that they could to make the entireprocess on you as easy as possible. They sat with you when you were strugglingto eat, they made you your favorite foods to eat in hopes you’d take even justa couple of bites. They were with you through it all.

In short, they had been a blessing, and you were gratefulthat they were being so kind and understanding in a time where you just neededthe support of someone who cared about you.

“…come on. I’ll fix you some tomato soup. Nice and easy, andwarm.”

They patted you on the back gently, and you mustered up aweak smile as you closed the refrigerator and watched them start digging aroundfor a pot and a can of soup.

“You could just make it in the microwave, you know. ‘sfaster,”you pointed out as you hefted yourself onto a barstool on the opposite side ofthe kitchen island.

“Perhaps, but then I wouldn’t have nearly as much time totalk to you while I make it.” Lokismiled at you then, and you smiled a little more as well, watching as theyturned the stove on and got the soup all ready to heat up just how you likedit, some salt, some pepper, and just a bitof mint, which you’d convinced them ‘enhances the flavor.’

Once they got it simmering, they turned around to face you,leaning back against the counter, close to the stove so they could stir everyso often.

“How are you feeling?” Loki asked it not entirely hesitant, but with obvious concern thatyou might take ill to the question itself, but you only shrugged a bit.

“Bad food day.”

Loki nodded. “That’s okay. It happens sometimes, yeah? Andthat’s okay. Maybe the soup will help a little. Just a few bites, that’s all.And if you want more, then that’s great, but if not, that’s alright, too. Wecan save it for later.”

You nodded and smiled weakly, but it was a struggle. Lokimade it all sound so easy and reasonable, and while you appreciated that theywere handling it that way, it still made you wish that you could get yourself to be that reasonable.

“Hey… Where’s your mind at?” This time, Loki spoke muchsofter, and when you looked back up at them, you found they were watching youintently, brow furrowed as they looked at you, and you heaved a sigh, knowingit would do neither of you any good to lie.

“I just… wish I could get my own brain to think that reasonably.”

Loki nodded slowly, and set down the spoon they were holdingas they moved to lean across the kitchen island so they could place a hand overyours, and for a long moment, they stood there in silence, as they tried to workout what they wanted to say.

“…I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now. And Idon’t want to tell you that anything that you’re feeling is bad or wrong oranything like that at all, because I’m not you, and I don’t get to decide that.But what I can tell you is that…everything that you are feeling isvalid. No matter what anyone else says, or what you say, or even what your ownmind says. It’s tough to be tormented by your own thoughts. That I can relate to. But that doesn’t meanthat you aren’t capable or deserving of good things. Even if it doesn’t feellike that right now, maybe it won’t forever. But I’ll be right here with you,every step of the way, to remind you. You’ll find yourself again, in time. Andit will be a glorious day when youdo. But for now, doing your best is more than enough, and I’m so proud of youfor doing all the hard work that you’re doing.”

You swallowed thickly, finding yourself unable to look atLoki and instead focusing on the pattern of the marbling beneath your hands. “Whatif I relapse again?”

“…then you relapse. And we start back from step one again.That doesn’t mean that you’ve failed. Not in the least. It means you’re still fighting. And that will always beadmirable.”

You nodded a bit, but you still couldn’t look up at Loki,not with the way you could feel the tears welling up in your eyes.

“…is there even a point in trying?”

Loki squeezed your hand gently, and then let go, only tocome around to where you were sitting, kneeling in front of you and taking yourhands so that you were left with no option butto turn on your seat so that you could face them.

“Of course there’sa point. There’s always a point.” Loki held your hands tightly, making surethat you were still looking at them before they continued again. “There are somany things you have left to experience. So many sunsets, and rainstorms, and…trips to the beach with the rest of the team, where you get so sunburned youcan hardly move the next day, and… evenings curled up on the couch with thatbook you’ve read so many times you could probably recite it word for word.Laughing at Thor when he gets caught up in regaling battle tales, and makingfun of Rogers for not understanding where a popular reference came from. Warmcups of tea on late nights… Norns,rainbows and little puppies and babies laughing so whole-heartedly that itmakes you laugh.”

Just the thought ofthat was enough for you to give a watery little laugh, and that was really whatLoki was hoping for, and they smiled along with you, grateful for even just that much from you.

“…we need you herewith us, Y/N. Me, Thor, the rest of the team. We all need you. And we care about you, and we want you to be happy andhealthy, and we’ll do everything that we can to remind you of that, I’ll do everything I can to remind youof that. We’ll take it one day at a time. Just… don’t give up on us yet, okay?Don’t give up on us.”

You sniffled, rather gracelessly, and gave a hiccupping littlesob of a laugh as you nodded a bit. “…one day at a time.”

Loki nodded, and squeezed your hands gently one more time beforestanding up so that they could properly hug you, smiling a bit when youreturned the hug just as fiercely.

“…we’re going to get through this, Y/N. We will. I promiseyou.”

You nodded against their shoulder, and after a long while,drew back, rubbing at your eyes with your sleeve. “…I really needed to hear… all of that.”

“I know. That’s why I said it.” Loki grinned a bit, just cheeky enough to make you smile, aswell, and you couldn’t help but to laugh. “I bet that soup is warm enough foryou, now. We’ll get that in a bowl for you, and get you a nice glass of water. Andwhen you’ve had however much you want, we’ll have a nice little spa day, yeah?I’ll even let you put that horridblack goo on my face that hurts when you take it off.”

“…a face mask?”

Loki only waved their hand dismissively, focusing on ladlingthe soup into a bowl for you, and you smiled a little more, the last bit ofapprehension melting away, at least for now, as you watched them work with suchcare. You weren’t so sure youdeserved them, but gods, were you glad to have them.

“…you’ve got yourself a deal.”

[chaoxfix]

bc i feel like it, here's a brief description of what it feels like to pass out -- my experiences only of course, i cant speak for others.

just posting bc its a pet peeve of mine when people write fainting badly. mine is often from emotional distress (horrifying images/descriptions) but ... sometimes from physical pain too, or bad reaction to medication, or not eating enough. so this isn't a perfect reference for, say, blood loss, but it may be useful for other kinds of fainting.

under the cut to let people avoid reading this if theyre prone to feeling sick at discussions of fainting or other medical stuff.

you'll be cold. but internally, not externally. i can always feel the blood like, leave my extremities (hands, feet, arms, legs, face) which is what makes it cold -- this is normal for fainting, your body is freaking out and wants all your blood going back to your vital organs. this is also part of the sudden drop in blood pressure that makes you actually pass out.

your peripheral vision goes very dark. your lizard brain takes over and informs you that you need to sit down or lie down immediately, or you will fall down and hurt yourself. you don't have long to listen. your lizard brain is right. if you get close to the ground (i.e, horizontal, so your body doesnt have to work as hard to pump blood), you also stand a better chance of not fully passing out.

if you don't fully pass out (ie, you hit the ground but don't completely black out, or only black out for a few seconds) you can sometimes still hear your surroundings, you just can't really move or say anything (or if you do it's a struggle). when this is the case, everything sounds underwater and far away.

numb lips and hands for a while after you wake back up.

you might think you were awake the whole time if you were only out for a few seconds or a minute. your sense of place/other people's positions isn't great since your vision probably started to black out a bit before you went down anyways. when other people tell you what happened, they will probably have more details than you and remember more than you. don't be alarmed, they're probably not lying to you about the details you can't remember. sometimes when passing out, it's more like flipping a lightswitch off and then back on. you only remember the parts it was on -- sometimes it's not really a gradual return to consciousness so much as 'huh. i blinked and missed it' -- like falling asleep and snapping awake during a boring class. this is especially true for quick recoveries or people who snap back awake pretty fast.

other times, if youre passed out for longer, it will feel more like waking up, except you don't want to move for a while after waking. you'll probably remember the moments before you passed out, but not all the details going down. i remember once i passed out while standing up too quickly and managed to hurt myself pretty badly on the way down -- i didnt remember getting hurt, but i did remember the head rush from standing up too fast. waking back up, i had to be really slow about getting back up to avoid it happening again, and i shook like a leaf the whole way up. i felt like i could barely walk and had to stay low to the ground on my way to the kitchen to grab something to eat.

you might feel okay pretty quickly afterwards if passing out was only from pain or emotional distress. but even then you'll still feel pale and shaky for at least an hour after. if it had a physical component (medication, not eating, and likely blood loss) these effects will continue until your body has had time to heal more.

sometimes you can feel your brain go a little bit numb before you have a bigger physical reaction. it's hard to describe but for me the spot between my eyes and forehead just starts to numb and blank out, and sound around me dims. if i stop what's making me feel like ill pass out, usually the numb feeling goes away pretty quickly.

anyways this has been a little guidebook, have fun!

[midearthwritings]

Hello guys, it's me, Max. I hesitated a lot before writing this, but I have decided to talk about my mental health. First so you can understand a bit better, and to raise awareness about it.

Of course, don't feel like you have to read this. I don't want to trigger anyone or make anyone feel bad.

TW : Childhood Trauma, CPTSD, Dissociative Disorder, Eating Disorders. If you feel like these subjects might trigger you, please do not keep reading.

Many times, I have mentioned that I often dissociate. For those who don't know, there is a spectrum of dissociation (it can go from simply zoning out to more severe cases where it will last months or years). What happens when I dissociate is that I will completely separate myself from my body. It will feel like I am watching myself living my life, like a movie or something. It will also result in memory loss. For example, last year (and it is after this terrible episode that I have been diagnosed) I dissociated for four months. I have no memory of what happened during these four months, nor what I did. I even lost friends and cannot remember how. I met new people and cannot remember how. And it might sound like nothing but trust me, it is terrifying to come back from four months of blacking out.

I haven't had a dissociative episode that lasted this long since then but I still do dissociate (most of the time it will be short episodes of Derealization). In itself, dissociating really sucks. Thanks Gods, it often happens when I'm in a safe place like my home. But it can be way more dangerous for sometimes I found myself in the middle of the road, completely panicking because I felt unreal, or in the middle of the woods crying because I couldn't remember how I got there.

So, what causes my dissociation? And why do I suffer from that? There isn't just one reason, of course. But I have been diagnosed with CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The difference between PTSD and CPTSD is that an individual can develop PTSD at any moment throughout their lives. CPTSD is often the result of childhood trauma.

Dissociation, when triggered, is a way to protect myself. Unconsciously of course. My mind will simply separate itself from the body so I won't suffer. People often feel nothing when dissociating.

(Reminder that there are many many forms of Eating Disorder and that an ED isn't defined by how someone looks)

I have also been dealing with an eating disorder for years now. And it's exhausting.

I used to eat quite a lot, but I was not gaining weight. Yet, food and numbers became an addiction and all I wanted to do was to be thinner and thinner.

I would go to school and eat nothing, pretending I had a big breakfast, or pretending I was going to eat somewhere with friends. But in reality, I would literally go buy stuff like makeup or clothes with my lunch money because it was a way for me to make sure I wouldn't eat anything. Of course, this is absolutely not responsible of me and I am aware of it.

When I entered uni, I just stopped eating at all. I would get a few snacks here and there, or eat soup. I looked terrible and lost lots of weight.

Today, I'm feeling a bit better and I don't have this constant need of checking the calories or exercising until I pass out. But I can't eat properly anymore. I eat only two meals a day or else I have stomach cramps and I can only eat small portions if I don't want to get nauseous.

The worst part of all this isn't even losing weight. It's losing friends. Because you're so engrossed in your thing, so obsessed with the numbers that it is all you can focus on. And you quickly forget about anything else around you, and you start neglecting your loved ones.

I am trying to get better, hoping for better days to come. I am looking for a job to start a new life somewhere else, because I know I cannot heal where I am right now. I am trying to stay in touch with my friends, and to get out a bit more. It is a constant battle against myself, because there is a part of me that simply gave up, and another part of me who knows there is hope and a brighter future.

So I often have mental breakdowns, and I still sometimes fall into unhealthy cycles. That's why I often need to take short breaks.

Mental illnesses are not fake, or for attention. They can literally destroy your life. They are diseases of the brain and need to be taken seriously. They make everything painful : even your body will hurt. And it is a rollercoaster. Recovery is a rollercoaster. I have relapsed so many times since I started recovery. But I won't give up, because I deserve happiness. I deserve to live and not just survive.

If you've read all of this, thank you so much because it was really long. I also hope you feel a bit more educated on the subject.

If you suffer from any mental illness, I know it feels lonely sometimes, but you are not alone. You are loved and you deserve to love yourself as well. One day it will get better.

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Home/Family Update - May 2021

I will take this right back to when I was discharged from the Priory in December. From there I moved back home with my parents; it was a bit of a difficult transition as I didn't have any home leave in the lead up to being discharged due to COVID and my consultant wanting me to make the most of my time on the ward. Add to that my EDP going completely awol, meaning that our whole 4 week pre-discharge meetings and relapse prevention plan went out the window. So yes it was a bit of a rocky start, and that is without you factoring in COVID lockdown/Christmas.

Being discharged from an IP setting is never easy no matter who you are; changes in environment and routine can throw you off track without you even realising it and I did find myself struggling with this. I also had the difficult navigation of adapting to coming home in terms of my dad and his recovery. For those who might not know, last March my dad fell down the stairs in the middle of the night the day that my parents arrived home after a month in NZ. He suffered 3 brain bleeds (a subdural, an extradural and a subarachnoid), multiple facial fractures and a break in his spine. That night was one of, if not THE, worst of my life. We were told that it was very likely that he would not survive and that if he did he would be in a vegetated state or not able to take care of himself...we were told to prepare for the worst. By some MIRACLE he defied all the odds and at the age of 74 after spending 11 or so days on the ICU, a further 2 weeks on a trauma ward and then another 3 months in a neuro rehab, he was discharged home and is now, a year on from the accident, completely independent, no sign of further brain bleeds and is actually much fitter than he has been for, well, 50 years! Honestly, we never expected anything like this sort of recovery and from an outside perspective he is doing perfectly. However, there are things that will never be the same again and I don't think it is until you are with someone 24/7 that you are able to tell. He has changed quite a bit as a person; in some ways this is a good thing but in other ways it is not so. He cannot deal with changes in environment or routine; even things like having the bread on the side instead of in the bread bin completely throws him off and he doesn't even register that the bread is there. He gets very easily agitated, can be extremely rude and a little aggressive. Now some of this was already there (a lot of it was) but it has become more acutely obvious since the head injury. I have SO much respect and love for my mum - I really dont know how she has held herself up over the past 2 years, as well as helping dad when he was initially transitioning home (I was still in hospital but it sounded like he needed a lot of help for the first few months - which I only saw an inch of when they were able to visit me in hospital (he used to wander off and didn't know where he was etc. which is thankfully no longer and issue!)).

This is hard for me to say but I will admit that I have struggled more than I thought I would with being around him; in short I pretty much went through the whole mourning process whilst I was in hospital as the last time i saw him on the trauma ward before they stopped all visits and before I was admitted, he didn't know who I was...He thought he lived in another country and was telling me all sorts of stories that were fabricated, before telling me that he needed to go and pick up the mercedes and drive to sainsburys to get the Gin and petrol (we don't have a mercedes and he doesn't even like gin!) Anyway, I digress. So yes, I basically mourned for someone who was still alive physically but mentally had changed as at the time I didn't know whether he would be in a vegetated state or make a good recovery. Thankfully we are on the good side and he is doing so incredibly well but the bottom line is that he is different and living with him, at the age of 26, is HARD. We have good days and bad days (as any young adult who lives with their parents does) and there are many many days that I wish I wasn't living at home but I do my best to hold myself together during those times, especially for my mum because she, I tell you, is absolutely incredible. How she has put up with him for so long I honestly do not know!

Talking of mum, I would say that since the whole accident with dad, we have become a LOT closer. We really had to lean on each other over that month; we were driving down to Brighton every single day to see dad on the ICU and on the Trauma ward until we were stopped from visiting - it was mentally and physically exhausting for the both of us, especially as we were still barely processing the trauma and struggling with flashbacks in the night. We were the first ones on the scene of the accident (if it weren't for mum's medical training, dad would not be alive today). Of course we still have our moments but I feel like our relationship almost "levelled up and matured over the past year. We have bonded over being in nature and walking (because what else can you do when the country is in lockdown!?! but also because we have always been an "outdoors" family (well my mum, Andi and me have))- we also talk about dad and the accident quite a bit too, which has helped me beyond belief (and her too). We give each other space, and yes there are days when we dont get on but who doesn't have days when they dont?

On balance I would say that home is "okay". It is manageable. No the environment is not perfect and I do find it affects my mental health quite a bit and holds me back in some ways (I cannot wait to be able to move out one day) but I am incredibly grateful to have parents that are willing to and can afford to take me under their roof and help me out during this time.

Gosh, this has already ended up so much longer than I thought it would, I am sorry! In short: home life is okay. We are here and that is the most important thing. We saw Andi a two-ish weeks ago as we were in Cornwall for our usual time-share (we were so lucky that Boris allowed self catering two weeks before our usual time share week) - I think it was good for them to get out of their flat as I don't think they had left the small area where they live since last September when we went down to Cornwall (I was given leave for a week as it was sold to my consultant to help my dad's recovery, which is definitely did but yes we did pull the right strings to get that one!)

Anyway, I shall leave this update here and start the mammoth task of the next one. I am sorry that this is taking me so long, it's quite hard to write and think back and reflect (although actually quite helpful for me to do) so I do find that I have to come back to it a few times. Please stick with me x

-----

I forgot to add that dad had an assessment before we went away to Cornwall to see whether he can have his driving license back and (as mum and I predicted) he failed. To say that he did not take it well would be putting it lightly!!! I am actually ashamed of the way that he behaved and the things that he said/the reasons he fabricated as to why he had failed (let's just say he got sexist and rude - which I have ZERO time for and was appalled by him - I am so glad I was not with him/mum after the assessment as I would have blown my fuse at hime). He could not even entertain the idea that he had failed. He blamed everything/anything else that he could - even saying that it was the system and one of the first things he said to me was "I understand now, I've worked it out, it's the system, they aren't allowed to pass many people first time so that's it", which I just *speechless*. Mum and I have talked about it a lot and we don't think that he has ever "failed" at anything in his life. He also believes that he is 10000%. fixed and has no issues or problems and doesn't need any support or guidance. He refuses to listen to mum and I when we try to tell him about how unwell he was, he refuses to believe it and won't take it. One thing that mum and I are very glad of is that all of this driving stuff is OUTSIDE of the family. He can't put it on us. It is coming from an external place and we can support him if he lets us but that is his decision as to whether he lets us or not. He has never been a good patient; and he also won't take any advice (in anything) from mum or let her be right about something either, which is just sad, really sad. This is not a new thing, it has always been this way. And the more I reflect on our family/have reflected over the past year with dad in hospital, the more I see that I don't like. The way dad has behaved and treated mum, how he was always missing in my childhood, how alcohol always came above family, how old fashioned and unwilling to learn he is, how distant and uninterested he was, how he never says please or thank you, never asks how anyone is and refuses to talk about mental health (yep, despite so much going on in our family with mental illnesses, he refuses to talk about it and won't even ask "how are you?" or offer support etc)...I don't mean to be so negative about him, I really don't. I love him, he is my dad, but there is a lot of healing that needs to be done, and it is going to take time.

[citrineghost]

On ADHD, Being Dramatic, and Being Lazy

Gather round everyone. It’s time for our every-few-monthsly post on ADHD by your local ADHD ghost. In this episode, we’re talking about ADHD and how it relates to “being dramatic” and “being lazy.”

On Being Dramatic

No doubt a lot of you have been told you’re being dramatic over the years. I know I have. There are a lot of reasons one might be dramatic, but they’re rarely about the drama.

If I’m to guess the origin of the word dramatic, I’d guess it probably has something to do with over exaggerating your response for the drama. I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of people being dramatic - on tiktok and vine, on youtube... drama calls for dramaticism.

Do you want to know what isn’t dramatic? Genuine reactions. That’s right - genuine reactions, inherently, cannot be categorized as dramatic or hyperbolic. There is nothing about them that is being overdone with the intention of getting attention or entertaining other people. So, let’s talk a bit about how this conflation has hurt us as a community.

Growing up, everything I did was “dramatic.” Crying because I didn’t want to do more chores was dramatic. Having a panic attack because there was a spider in the room was dramatic. Freaking out because I needed people to stop touching me was dramatic. Getting angry when my mother made jokes about my sex life as a teen was dramatic (and apparently abusive, but that’s neither here nor there). Nothing I did that involved a noteworthy amount of emotion was anything, if not dramatic.

On Being Lazy

I know a lot of you have also been labeled as lazy over the years. “Lazy” is the diagnosis everyone loves to give to those who don’t do enough, in their eyes. If you “could have” done something and then “chose not to,” you’re lazy... right?

Growing up, I was lazy too. I was lazy for avoiding housework. I was lazy for not wanting to brush my teeth. I was lazy because I didn’t turn in my homework. I was lazy for staying in bed, on my computer, most of the day.

If I’d only just “applied myself,” or if I would just “put in the work,” then I would be respectable to the people around me. But, because I wasn’t “willing” to put in the time and effort, I was lazy.

Why Is Emotion Dramatic?

The short answer is: it’s not. The real question is, why do people seem to perceive emotion as being dramatic? These are real emotions, after all - real and genuine feelings that are being dismissed as playacting. There are a number of reasons.

Why Are We Lazy?

Again, the short answer is: most people aren’t. The question here is, why do people see others not doing something and assume it’s because they simply don’t want to put in the work? Why do they not seek out an explanation or consider other alternatives? There are a number of reasons for that too.

The Answer...

Editing to put a Read More here because it’s very long

(TW for each of these sections in their name)

1. Sexism

At its core, seeing emotional outbursts or responses as dramatic is inherently rooted in sexism. Whether you’re a boy or a girl, man or woman, if your emotions are being mocked, it’s almost definitely because of our world’s history of sexism and relating emotion to women, who are “illogical” and “just want attention.”

And “real men” work! They work hard! They work long hours! They put themselves into an early grave, with pride, by never sitting down to rest! For this very reason, women, housewives of decades past, were expected, after a long day of doing housework and caring for the children - things that are just as exhausting as a full time job - to dote on their husbands who had just returned from work expecting a hot meal and a beer to be ready for them. Her work is devalued. It wasn’t grueling or tiring or important. It was just “women’s work.” A wife who does all of the housework and child rearing and fails to provide a hot meal and a warm body to her husband is “lazy.”

This is further shown to affect men as well. We can see, as early as non-manual labor-based jobs existed, the men who took them were lesser. Men who work at computers are seen as nerds and geeks - weak. Men who work in universities, coming up with new solutions to our medical needs and discovering the mathematics we need for space travel and advanced technology - they’re weak too. They’re unimportant to society because they’re not willing to get their hands dirty. Those men who prefer artistry are called gay and seen as disposable. It is irrelevant to the conservative man that his artistic counterpart designs everything that fills his home and office - that without artists we would have nothing.

2. Racism and classism

You might be surprised, but racism and classism both have their hands in this as well. I’m talking full on systemic oppression. The ability for people in power to look down on those they see as beneath them for being emotional or passionate about a topic or incident is all about power. You can see a million examples of this today. POC are called dramatic or are implied to be blowing things out of proportion by conservative white people because they want equal rights and feel they’re being treated unfairly. Their emotions are dismissed as irrational and dramatic. 

The cries of the poor, whether white or of color, are mocked. They have no reason to be having the emotions they’re having because they wouldn’t be in the position they’re in if they weren’t “lazy.” After all, only lazy people don’t have money. Only lazy people can’t get work. If they had just “applied themselves,” they would have an income, a home, and ample food on the table.

3. Ableism

And, last but not least, we have ableism. The neurotypical and abled people of the world, at large, cannot understand the experiences of the disabled, both emotionally(those with mental illnesses, disorders, and so on(whether or not certain disorders can be categorized as a disability in a just society is another topic entirely, but they are regarded that way, generally)) and physically.

If you have sensory overload, you are being irrational. It doesn’t matter to a NT if this is caused by an actually chemically different response in your brain. It doesn’t matter if it’s Real To You. To them, it doesn’t make sense, and so you deserve no compassion for your experience. Your emotional response is dramatic.

If you have executive dysfunction, you are simply choosing not to do your work. It doesn’t matter that there is an actual reason, buried in you somewhere, for why you have become Stuck. It doesn’t matter if you feel crippled by this aspect of your life. They see that you have neglected to do something they deem easy. Therefore, you are “lazy.”

ADHD and Being Dramatic

For those of us with ADHD, being called dramatic is a very familiar experience. After a while, we begin to internalize it. We must be dramatic, right? After all, so many different people have told us we are - and for good reason. We do tend to get overly emotional.

So the question is, why? Why do we get overly emotional? Why are our emotions so much different than those of our NT peers?

1. Lack of Emotional Regulation

A big part of ADHD, which is not yet a diagnostic criteria, is our emotional disregulation. ADHD, inherently, comes with some amount of disregulation in our emotions. We have a hard time controlling the emotions that we feel and managing the intensity of them. They may come across as overly intense, or they may seem subdued, both for reasons we can’t possibly figure out as individuals. This disregulation is entirely out of our control, happening at a neurological level. Our brain chemicals don’t work as they should. But, no matter how unregulated our emotions are, they are still real. We do still feel them, exactly as intensely as we think we do. Disregulated does not mean made up.

2. RSD

If you knew about RSD before, or you’ve read my last post on ADHD (under my tag adhdghost), which has gained some popularity, you already know what this means. For those who don’t, RSD is short for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. This condition plagues something like 99.9% of people with ADHD (while not being ADHD exclusive.) It comes with the lack of emotional regulation and means we have a reaction, that seems out of proportion (or “dramatic”), relative to the thing that caused it.

In short, RSD episodes can look like an entire breakdown, a very sudden loss of any self esteem or confidence, the feeling that you are certain someone now hates you or has secretly always hated you, and/or an immediate need to get rid of the thing that caused it. These episodes are caused by any kind of perceived failure or disappointment. They can be caused by someone whose opinion or relationship we value who gives us a slightly judgmental look, someone saying they don’t understand why we like the thing we’re interested in, or even not living up to our own expectations. These episodes frequently lead to emotional outburts, episodes, breakdowns, and tears. Naturally, all of this is “dramatic,” despite it being very real and painful for those experiencing it.

3. Combination with Other Things

Emotional disregulation can interact with other parts of our lives as well. For instance, I have a lot of phobias. My reactions to seeing or being around the things that terrify me can be even more intense than how most people react to their phobias. They can cause anxiety attacks, emotional breakdowns, and lasting fear for hours or days after. My recovery from these instances is hindered by my inability to regulate the feelings they caused.

Emotional disregulation can also interact with triggers, trauma, sensory problems, etc.

ADHD and Being Lazy

And of course, if you struggle with ADHD, you want to know, “Why am I so lazy?” The answer is: you’re not! Laziness is a made up word. Laziness was created to pass blame onto people who struggle to do things that more typical people can accomplish with ease.

So, what is the reason we struggle to do these seemingly simple tasks?

1. Executive Dysfunction

This is The Big One. Of all the things that can cause an inability to do things, executive dysfunction is the Achilles heel of ADHD. Because ADHD causes a difficulty with prioritizing, rewarding actions with no immediate reward, and creating a list of steps for us to take (something that comes naturally to NT people), we sometimes get “Stuck.”

This feeling of being stuck may look like us just having fun and avoiding our responsibilities. You may be Stuck right now, scrolling through tumblr mechanically even though you’ve been needing to pee for three hours. Naturally, you’ve been wanting to go to the bathroom... you just don’t know how.

To a NT, this sounds ridiculous. “Just get up and go?!” I’m sure you can imagine your parents saying, when they simply don’t understand. The truth is, tumblr can be a nightmare for executive function. It endlessly scrolls, giving you post after post. There’s no natural stopping point. You keep an eye out for a natural end to this activity, but it’s hard to find the right post to stop on. If you find those, “This is your sign to go to bed,” posts helpful - otherwise locked into the activity of scrolling regardless of whether you want to - you might be struggling with executive dysfunction.

This inability to “queue” our actions or prioritize what we need to do, and in what order, can wreak all kinds of havoc in our lives. You remember you didn’t really understand that equation the math teacher explained earlier. You know today’s homework is related to its use. Therefore, you cannot start your homework. There are a number of possible solutions floating around your head. Maybe the book will explain it better. Maybe your parents know how to do this and you could ask them. Maybe you could Google it. It’s possible the homework is about something else. But, if it is, what if you don’t understand that? Maybe you should ask your teacher before class?

Even though you have all of these solutions in your head, because you don’t know which solution is the best solution, you find yourself unable to do any of them. You show up to class with no homework and your teacher gives you a disappointed look. “I don’t understand why you don’t just apply yourself more. You’re a very smart student.” The remark brings you to holding back tears, because you want, with every fiber of your being, to apply yourself and make your teacher proud, but you simply don’t know how.

This is the destructive nature of executive dysfunction, and it is not something to be taken lightly.

2. Distraction

For those with ADHD, the inability to regulate external stimuli makes focusing incredibly hard. You wake up one morning and plan to start that English paper after breakfast. You go to get yourself some cereal. You’re out of milk. You decide to make toast instead. You burn your toast because you lost track of time for just 30 seconds. You go to throw it away, feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt over the two pieces of bread you wasted. The trash is overflowing. You decide to take it outside. It’s a really nice day out. Maybe you should take your dog for a walk. You haven’t taken her on a walk in a while and you’re just now feeling motivated to, so you should take advantage of that. You go to retrieve your dog and take her for a walk. When you bring her back in, you go to get her treats from the shelf in the laundry room. Oh yeah, you’d been meaning to do laundry. You go to get your laundry hamper from your room and notice there’s a bunch of laundry on the floor. You begin picking up the laundry from the floor. You may as well tidy up the other things on the floor as well. You finally get around to taking your laundry to the washer. You’re out of soap. Maybe you ought to make a run to the grocery store. You take ten minutes to find your keys and wallet and then head out to the grocery store. When you get there, you’ve forgotten what it was you needed. “Oh, right! I’m out of milk!” You go and retrieve milk. When you get to the checkout and the cashier rings you up, you suddenly remember you need laundry soap. Well, it’s too late now. You’ll have to do laundry tomorrow. You can’t risk the cashier giving you a tired look by asking them to wait. You go home and make some cereal. You can’t really write while you eat, so you open tumblr. you scroll through tumblr for a while. Your cereal gets soggy, you notice, disappointed. You see a tumblr post reminding you that you forgot to order something important online that you need to get here as soon as possible. The day continues in this way until you finally realize at 5pm that you never started your paper. “It’s so late now... I’ll just start it tomorrow morning,” you tell yourself. Rinse and repeat.

If you relate to this, you might want to consider researching ADHD a bit, because this is a very typical ADHD experience.

3. Hyperfixation and Hyperfocus

The last prominent reason why people with ADHD are seen as lazy has to do with a cycle in hyperfixation and hyperfocus.

If you don’t already know, hyperfixations are those interests you have that fill you with an overwhelming love and which take up an incredible amount of your time, energy, and brain space. These could be fandoms, hobbies, characters, games, or otherwise.

Hyperfocus, on the other hand, can be related to hyperfixations or things that aren’t hyperfixations. Hyperfocus is when you get “locked in” on a task and can’t seem to put it down. If you started this post not knowing how long it was and find yourself still raptly reading, completely ignoring the world around you, you may have hyperfocused on it. If you ever start cleaning and just can’t stop until the whole house is clean, despite your lack of regularly cleaning for over a month, you are hyperfocusing on cleaning. If you write a 20k word fic in one night, you are hyperfocusing.

Hyperfocusing can leave you completely unaware of the world around you, causing you to neglect your own basic needs, such as food, bathroom breaks, water, and social interaction. 

Because people with ADHD are able to occasionally apply themselves to such an extreme degree, NT people don’t understand why ADHD people are unable to apply themselves to other things as well. The reason we can’t is because we do not regulate our hyperfocus. Hyperfocus comes from tasks that are giving us serotonin, to make up for our brains inability to give serotonin in the way it should - in the way NT brains do. Emptying the dishwasher just felt really good. The next thing you know, you’re filling it with more dishes and wiping off counters and sweeping the floor and, “oh god, it looks so nice what if I just-” and then you move on to the laundry and the living room and the bedroom and then somehow 6 hours have passed. You don’t know how it happened, but now your house is clean and you feel amazing... but also tired and hungry. So you go make some food and then pass out on the couch.

So, when NT people see this kind of laser focus, they demand to know why you couldn’t do that simple math assignment, or why you haven’t been returning their texts, or why you couldn’t apply the same level of energy and enthusiasm on that really boring geography project. They demand to know why you’re so “lazy” the rest of the time.

There’s also the element of hyperfixation. It is the ultimate distraction. Your parents tell you to do the dishes and you say you will. Suddenly, you’ve found a fanfiction about your hyperfixation and you can’t stop reading it. It’s 60k words long and it will take you all day, but you’ll find a break to do your chores somewhere in there, right?

Your mom is suddenly knocking on your door what feels like 5 minutes later, but it’s been an hour. She wants to know why you didn’t do the dishes yet. You’re upset at yourself, but you lash out at her, because you’re unable to regulate your emotions. “I’ll do it in a minute!” you say loudly from behind your door. She walks off, irritated. You ask yourself why you can’t just do it now. Why does it feel impossible to tear yourself away? Your hyperfixation is the ultimate creator of hyperfocus. It rules you.

Before you know it, it’s midnight. You’ve finished the fic. It was amazing. You realize with dread that you still haven’t done the dishes, so you sneak out to the kitchen, hoping your parents have gone to bed. They have, but you find the dishes have already been done by someone else. Suddenly, you’re holding back tears from the RSD episode this has triggered. You ruined everything. You disappointed your parents. You’re a lazy and terrible child and they deserve better.

The truth is, you’re none of those things. In fact, you’re struggling with one of the most difficult mental blocks someone can have. But to others, you’re just making excuses. To others, you should have been able to just do the dishes and then go back to reading. But you know it’s not that easy. But why?

It’s ADHD, Babey!

If this post is hitting hard in a way that feels like your life is being splayed out before you, you might just have ADHD.

The fact is you are not dramatic and you are not lazy. You are struggling with a lot of ADHD symptoms that are making functioning in a neurotypical world incredibly difficult. This world was designed by and for NT people. Your worth is not based in how you live up to their expectations.

If you think you might have ADHD, it might be time to ask your doctor about getting an ADHD evaluation. Please check out my last post (the one i mentioned is under my tag adhdghost) to get more information on RSD and on getting evaluated.

An Important Note

Many experiences and struggles caused by ADHD are also present in other disorders. For example, RSD can be seen frequently in autism as well as in anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Sensory overload, emotional disregulation, executive dysfunction, and so on, can all be present in things other than ADHD. If you want to know if you fit the criteria for ADHD, go check out the criteria on the ADDitude website, which is a great source for ADHD related information.

[seven-oomen]

Mental health: Fog

I know a lot of us struggle with mental health and how to handle all these overwhelming feelings. So I wanted to write a few tips and affirmations that help me and might help others.

One because it’s valentine’s day, and that’s a rough day for many people, allos and aros/aces alike. And two, because it’s sometimes really hard and having someone there to tell you it’s okay, might be just what you need.

I just want to say, whatever you’re struggling with, it’s okay. You are not your thoughts or your accomplishments. You’re you, and you matter, just as you are.

To put it into perspective, imagine a chessboard. It has white pieces, black pieces and a board. You are the board on which the game is played. Your happy/positive thoughts are the white pieces, your angry/sad/negative thoughts are the black pieces. No matter what thoughts are overwhelming today, white or black, know that those thoughts do not define you. You are still the board. You’re still here. And tomorrow you will still be the board, even if other thoughts are overwhelming then.

Knowing that my thoughts don’t define my worth has really helped me in accepting my bad days. And maybe it’ll help for you too.

Now fog is what we call the overwhelming feeling that causes our brains to blank. It feels like there’s a fog or a cloud inside you and you can’t work through it or see through it. The following tips have really helped me in clearing some of that fog.

1. Plant a SEED. Sleep, eat, exercise, drink.

Did you get enough sleep? If not, schedule a nap if you can or turn in a little earlier today. Try.

Did you eat anything? If not, go eat something. Preferably fruit or protein, but any kind of food is better than nothing.

Did you exercise? No, you don’t have to run a marathon. But you might find something that works for you. A walk, a run, push-ups, dancing, even pacing through the room can help clear your mind a little. There has to be something that can get you moving for ten minutes. Preferably outside if you can, but inside your home also works.

Did you drink anything? If not, go drink something. Being hydrated is also really important to clear that brain fog. You need to take care of your body, as best as you can, in order to clear some of that fog. Go have a coffee, or tea, or even soda if that’s all you have. Water is best though, you can put a bit of lemon juice or some frozen fruit into it in order to flavor it. 

2. Did you take your meds? If you take medication to help with your disability/mental illness and you forgot to take it, that can also increase the fog inside your brain. Check to see if you might have forgotten it and set a timer or create a new habit to make sure you take yours daily/or as directed by your doctor.

3. Be kind to yourself. It’s okay. Stressing over not being able to focus will not help. And I know it’s really hard to tell yourself this. I still struggle with it too. But it’s okay to feel this way. Feel, experience, cry it out if you have to. Take a moment, find a safe spot and just experience your feelings. Process them and give yourself permission to do so. This will either make you exhausted, and you might need another nap, that’s okay. Or it will clear your mind. That’s okay too. Allow yourself to feel. And you know what, that’s true mindfulness. You don’t have to clear your head, you just have to feel and accept.

4. Do something you enjoy for 20 min. Play a video game, write, draw, create, or just stare outside your window if that helps. Set a timer for 20 min. And just stay in your moment. Come back to yourself. How are you feeling now? Is that better?

Often this will help with that brain fog you’re feeling. Not always, and that’s okay too. But for me, this helps. Knowing that I’m allowed to be and that I’m allowed to feel this way, really helped in clearing my head and improving my mental health. 

I still have a long way to go, which is okay, but I know I will get to a point where I can rejoin the workforce again. And I know you will get to a point where you can be you again. It’ll come. Give yourself some time and know that it is okay. 

There’s no shame in accepting this, in fact, I’d argue that accepting what you’re feeling is the first step to your recovery. You’ll get there. I’m proud of you and I have faith in you.

[calpalsworld]

Not "autistic anon," but also autistic, (being called maybe ableist made me want to put this out there before go to bed) i thought Zane was depicted that way purposefully by the writers. He has stereotypical traits like taking things literally, and has an actual humor switch. The writers have done things with Zane before like have him lose bodily autonomy (during that one Wu's teas short) and did something with his voice be it making him unable to be understood or talking too loud and the forced pirate voice by Jay. (what you're doing isn't too different from that, right?) I thought it was just a little iffy to distort his body and memory bc that could be interpreted as something not that I'm sure what exactly, it's some kind of disability. I dunno. I'm not good with putting this to words. I hope this makes sense.

Sorry I went to bed but now I’m awake 😭

Also I ended up totally spilling all my thoughts here rather than only specifically replying to you please forgive me context: my scary zane concept design, & my ninjago rewrite i refer to a lot 

Im a little confused but I think I get what you're saying? You're saying the Ninjago writers absolutely DON'T write Zane well (you listed examples of this) and you don't want me to fall into the same trap?

I had the opposite logic earlier. I thought: If Ninjago writers made Zane have stereotypical autisitic traits while also being a dehumanized robot, I may as well embrace it, say he is autistic blatantly, while also making him do funny/cool non-human robot things, so its clear as possible the two aspects of his character are literal and separate and not a metaphor for each other. But you're right! I do have a choice and I dont have to embrace things! :)

Like there were a couple ways I was gonna reject the original, for example, I never wanted Zane to have a funny switch, and I hated how other characters could fuck with Zane and he didn't even care 😬. I want to change that stuff. So youre right, if I am changing shit like that, it would be counterproductive for ME to GIVE him MORE traits along that theme. 😬😬😬 I should try to feel less obligated to portray Zane like he originally is. I still like the concept of "scary zane" (for reasons i explain below the cut) but I might tone it down a bit like with the claws and weird proportions and shit. I’d def make him look more skeletal and undead. That was my original intention, but i didnt execute it as good as I could have.... idk if anyone could tell thats what he was supposed to be like...my bad! But rn I dont wanna redesign him I wanna draw other stuff like normal alive Zane. Sorry LMAO 😳. Like I said in some earlier asks I think, I think Im gonna focus rn on how I should portray season 1 normal not dead Zane so thank you and feel free to share any other Zane thoughts ^_^ SOME OTHER THOUGHTS:

Also I Wanna Argue Some Stuff But I Understand its a Weak Argument Since All of This Context was Just In My Brain (so don't take this as an argument, just as me rambling): I don't want messed up things to happen to Zane and for it to just be ignored. I think if Zane is going to have fucked up things happen to him, as all characters must, its best for it to happen during a season where he actually addresses his feelings about being a robot (learning to accept that he will always be himself, regardless if hes "human" or the "original" or whatever. (thats how I always interpreted his emotions)). But I wouldn't have the other Ninja be very phased by Zane's looks because the whole point is they already love who he is (seasons 1-3 were about getting to know Zane) and now Zane himself just has to learn the physical, robot part of him is okay. Its about person-hood rather than humanity. Because the season focuses around Zane's soul, and because he lost his original body, I feel like I could mess around with his current, temporary body and have fun and make it scary. Because that body should be irrelevant. I understand it possibly being upsetting for an autistic character to be designed like this, but other people I talked to see it the opposite way. They find it comforting for him to look so different but still be himself and be so loved. SO IM ABSOLUTELY NOT saying its wrong to be bothered or to hate it or to feel any way. Just that I personally think it would be cool for Zane to be portrayed with a little spice lol, so thats why I like scary Zane for season 4.

Another Thing I Wannna Say But Is REALLY Hypocritical: (this isnt directed at anyone I just REALLY want to say this) I know I say "this is Zane but scary, he looks like fnaf" so he's obviously dehumanized, but I always felt like "scary" is more of an objective fact. Its an instinct. But what's "not human" is subjective. I think there is a problem with saying anything different from "average" human is dehumanized because that could extend to real people. Lol I know its bad for me to compare FNAF-ass Zane to real people, but I mean he could be real. People can have exposed teeth, and people can be shaped weird. And when someone first sees a person who looks like that they'll probably think "woah those features are scary" by instinct. And that surprise doesn't make someone ableist obviously. But bring that person’s humanity into question is NOT an instinct, and is fucked to shit. This is kinda a bad point for me to make since its about the fictional FNAF Zane I drew, and I am NOT implying ANYONE was thinking like this. [especially not the original asker anon who I am totally forgetting about at this point OOPS]. But I just thought it was an opinion of mine I couldn't go without mentioning when talking about dehumanization and disabilities.

^^^ I think you (anon) understand what I mean and might’ve said the exact same thing as me if you were writing a long ass response? I think this because you started to bring physical disabilities up and you said it was "a little iffy." ^_^ So we agree, but I don't see Zane's relation to real life disabilities as "a little iffy" I see it more like "complicated"? IF THAT DIFFERENCE EVEN MAKES ANY SENSE?????? I feel like a lot of things about Zane are really just complicated and need the right context, rather than the concepts necessarily being wrong -- NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT! THATS THE WHOLE REASON I DO THIS STUPID REWRITE! XD thats why a lot of my rewrite SO FAR has been the same concepts and plot beats, but different dialogue n specifics and such. I like a lot of concepts in Ninjago but I dont think they were presented correctly.....! :( So I guess all we can do is wait and see if I make Zane offensive or not....???

Also something about the memory part - yeah i agree i was surprised no one thought that was weird to make jokes out of his memory issues..... BUT I am like 100% firm on making his memory take longer to come back because I think its stupid how quick Zane was able to recover from literally dying. Like its just dumb to me. Hate it. (also bc memory & soul mechanics is ummm kinda important in my rewrite.... for reasons). Another memory thing btw, I was going to make his original amnesia come from hitting his head in an attack against the Skulkin when they stole his dads corpse, rather than his dad fucking choosing to make him forget. (its a sweet & iconic scene, but Um, WHY?!!!?!?!?!?) He has to follow data recovery instructions he finds in his dads diary. I think in that context it makes moments of memory loss somewhat different for Zane's character? Instead of loss of autonomy associated with disability, its a literal violent loss of autonomy associated with being traumatized by physical force. Idk how to phrase it exactly but I think that makes some vibes different?

Sorry, I think I got really distracted, and I don't know if I responded well to your points. Because uhhhh I think I agree with your stance actually? If I understand correctly? Fuck Ninjago writers for making the robot lose autonomy (a stereotypical robot theme) while also making him seem clearly autistic (NOT A HAPPY THEME FOR AUTISTIC PEOPLE) and not addressing it. And also auuugh Zane with a weird body is a difficult topic - kinda sussy pretty iffy.

Lol anyway idk if this made any sense and I REALLY rambled on you. but this was nice 👉👈 more Zane criticism pls love you and i love zane. i hope u dont feel mad at me because then it would be weird that im saying that lol. if you do feel mad at me tho you can send another ask (ILL TRY TO JUST LISTEN NOT RAMBLE NEXT TIME) but assuming ur chill rn, love you thnx

Take this page, don’t mind cole’s ass.