#so my brain is SAD and SCARED because it has no fucking serotonin and my body is SAD and CRYING because it has no boy juice to make it happy

[your-subby-creature]

OH I may have figured out why my brain is so MEAN this is entirely my fault and now I'm a little embarrassed about crying about the same thing 4 times in the past 24 hours

[ibroughtyoumybullets]

you got into mcr as an ADULT?

ok wait i think this is from the other night when i let the one direction beast out of her cage but i love telling this story so im answering it late. sorry i don’t look at my inbox enough.

yes!! kind of. <- short answer.

long answer: so i was starting to get into rock music when i was about … 12? my first Band That Was Mine was paramore but after the farro brothers left the band in 2010 i was in search of something else to love. i got into atl (eugh) and the Maine (the loves of my life listen to the maine NOW) and fall out boy (don’t listen to them that much anymore but they were important to my musical development) and that old Ryan Ross and Dallon Weekes project that fell off (weird that they never released anything after v&v? anyhow) and several other bands that were accessible to my little 12 year old brain.

and then one day when i was listening to camisado on YouTube i was looking for other songs that made me Feel The Same and this song by this band called my chemical romance called Mama popped up in the yt recommended sidebar. so I listened to it and was like “wait why is this music scary. this song makes me scared. am i even allowed to listen to this it has the word mama and hell in it am I gonna get in trouble” and got nervous and stopped listening. but i would go back to it every so often and it led me to teenagers which I would listen to when I wanted to feel cool and wttbp which was wholly inaccessible to my 12 year old brain but i still thought was cool anyhow.

and then, later, maybe a couple months later? i was on YouTube watching the what makes you beautiful music video over and over again and this song called NaNaNa came up in recommended. and the music video BLEW MY LITTLE BRAIN AWAY. IT WAS UNLIKE ANYTHING I HAD EVER SEEN BEFORE. the colors and cars and the outfits and the GUITARS and the guns and the lyrics … fucking altered the fabric of my life. so I watched the sing music video and it did the same to me and i was motherfucking INTRUIGED. so I did some googling and saw they had started to release new music. i didn’t really understand the a/b side singles format but I thought maybe this was just a different way bands released albums. so I waited patiently for each single drop - and it wasn’t quite like their other music but it still really interested me.

this, notably, was around the time i started attending concerts. the first real concert I attended was an Ed sheeran show at the house of blues when he was touring his first album and was mostly only known by one direction fans in the US. and I was like … oh this is the coolest thing in the world and I wanna do it all the time. I had tickets to a concert for the Maine in June of that year, 3 days after the time I would see one direction live. So my 13 year old brain was like YES since I am now grown (lol) and a concert goer I will wait until mcr announces a tour for their new music and go and it’ll be great.

and then they broke up. lol.

and i was like. SAD. well there are other bands. and just kind of moved on. there were boy bands to blog about. it wasn’t a huge loss to me. they hadn’t Gotten me yet.

but during the time they were broken up, particularly as I got older, I could never quite listen to them. i would try to occasionally but it just made me sad because I knew I could really love this band and they weren’t around for me to love them and I didn’t feel like setting myself up to love a band I would never see.

but in spring of 2019 I was a sophomore in college, deeply, deeply depressed, and holed up in my room 22 stories up going crazy with insomnia. and my mom texted me and was like “hey me and dad have started watching this show, the umbrella academy. its based off a comic book that was written by Gerard way? Who was in a band? I think you would like it” so I started milking tua dry for hyperfixation serotonin and was watching cast interviews, etc, and then I watched one with Gerard in it. and I was like. oh. it’s you it’s the band guy. maybe I’ll listen to some of your music as a treat.

so I started listening to danger days a lot. i think I needed the color in my life. and i really enjoyed it, especially since I was older and had a better understanding of myself and music. but it still made me sad, you know? i really liked this band but they clearly weren’t ever going to exist again - I mean Gerard clearly had his own stuff going on, and this was before Twitter introduced Topics so I would get Frank’s tweets about his touring in my recommended Twitter feed. the band was dead. so I’d listen to danger days and absorb whatever hope I could from it and walk away better but still sad.

this continued throughout the summer and into the fall.

this is the funniest part of this story: mid October 2019 I was in a parking lot with my friends smoking weed and listening to music. somebody gave me the aux and I put on DD and we had a discussion about our younger and more emo days and i said “I hope you guys know if they ever got back together I would drag you to see them” and they were all like yeah that’s fair.

and then, on Halloween 2019, I was on a train on my way out to visit a friend in college so we could party (I had dropped out LOL) and I was sitting on the train waiting for it to leave the station. i had a whole playlist ready and was getting into the drunk and slutty mood. I opened Twitter one last time before I turned my signal off so I could conserve battery and somebody had tweeted that mcr had gotten back together and I was like. ok not funny. but then I saw another tweet about it. and another. so I cautiously opened the MCR Twitter page and saw it was real. i could not fucking believe it. so i through my playlist out of the window and listened to black parade front to back for the first time in my life, cried a little, had everything change for me.

and then there were days and days where I would listen to all of their albums and tried my best to eat their music alive. I started stalking the MCR tag on tumblr, started following a couple people from mcrblr on my old blog, and began letting myself Love them.

and then there was the shrine and an offering and a summoning and the insanity of accepting I would be able to see them live with my own little eyes. the day tickets dropped I literally left work on my half hour break, went home, fought Ticketmaster, and got tickets for me and my friends. I’d never been so excited.

and there was a plague and several years and in the interim they have become My Band. I’m never going to love another band like this and I don’t want to. im so happy to be here and I’m so happy it happened now, when I’m older and have a better handle on myself and have the ability to chase them around.

so yeah. this was long but so was my journey to them. if I’m weird about my chemical romance it’s just because I had to wait a decade for them and it feels very much like fate to me.

[wizardcommune]

gundham sfw alphabet

pairing - gundham tanaka x gn!reader

warnings - none!!

word count - 1.8k

a/n - FUCK YEAH GUNDHAM (also i apologize, i got lazy near the end)

a = affection (how affectionate are they? how do they show affection?)

in the beginning of the relationship, he would definitely be very hesitant to show physical or verbal affection since it wasn’t something he was used to. he’d show his love with acts of service and giving, most likely. (giving his s/o one of the devas if he knew they’d be separated for a short period of time, bringing them small trinkets he found like pretty rocks or bones, helping them with homework, etc.)

as time goes on, though, he’d become more comfortable with showing physical affection and would grow to become a huge cuddle bug!!! please hug him for me

b = best friend (what would they be like as a best friend?)

literally the coolest friend ever. especially if you had an alternative fashion sense, he’d be so down to go clothes shopping with you LMAO

if you were okay initiating physical affection outside of a romantic relationship, and were able to make him comfortable with that, he’d totally be That Friend who cuddles with you all the time!! he’d never mention it though, and would die on impact if you brought it up in front of any of his other friends/classmates

c = cuddles (do they like to cuddle? how would they cuddle?)

once he’s comfortable with it, yeah! he’s definitely super touch starved because of him not having friends most of his life, so having someone to cuddle would make his brain go ^^^^^

honestly, he’s good with any position so it’s up to his s/o. he prefers being able to see their face, though

the first time he ever cuddled with them he cried :(( shh don’t tell anyone though

d = domestic (do they want to settle down? how are they at cooking and cleaning?)

man that’s his DREAM!! the idea of just getting to live with his s/o + animals makes his serotonin machine go BRR

honestly, i think he would fucking suck at cooking. baking, however. :))

because of having to clean up after his animals and keep things out of their way, he would naturally be a pretty neat person out of habit!! i don’t think he’d mind too much if his s/o was messy though.

e = ending (if they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

I DIDNT DO THIS ONE BECAUSE IT MADE ME SAD IM SORRY

f = fiance(e) (how do they feel about commitment? how quick would they want to get married?)

gundham already sets up so many walls, and for his s/o to be able to break those down would already mean he’d be willing to commit. i don’t think he would ever just like.... date random people for funsies, so being in a romantic relationship with someone is already so big to him.

honestly, i can’t see him being the type to want to get married. he’d definitely want to settle down! but the idea of having a traditional wedding stresses him out. (of course, that doesn’t mean he’d be any less committed :))

g = gentle (how gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

dealing with small animals like the devas has left him gentle by nature!! he doesn’t even notice it, but he is always extremely careful with his s/o with the subconscious fear of accidentally hurting them/scaring them off :(

emotion wise, i think it’d be the same. when he cares about someone (whether it be romantic or platonic) he’s always cautious of teasing them too much since he knows that it can hurt sometimes. 

h = hugs (do they like hugs? how often do they do it? what are their hugs like?)

HE FUCKINGNF LOVES HUGS

they’re probably SO good too, like he’s the type to give those hugs that make you feel so safe. full on wraps his arms completely around you and rests his head on yours if you’re shorter (since he’d such a fucking giraffe my god)

i = i love you (how fast do they say the L-word?)

it would definitely take a while for gundham to admit it. i can see him saying it on accident, like when he thinks you’re sleeping or not paying attention to him. he’d also need a lot of reassurance afterwards, just because of that initial fear of rejection

j = jealousy (how jealous do they get? what do they do when they’re jealous?)

if he sees someone flirting with his s/o and they’re uncomfortable, he’ll immediately wrap an arm around their shoulder.

“they said they’re taken, respect that knave.”

sometimes he does get insecure that’s he’s too much for his s/o, considering he’s an evil tyrant, and that they might want to leave him for someone who’s..... not an evil tyrant.... (once again, please give him a hug)

k = kisses (what are their kisses like? where do they like to kiss you? where do they like to be kissed?)

like i said before, he’s very gentle when it comes to affection so his kisses are vv soft!! he’ll always hold their chin or one of their hands.

his favorite places to kiss his s/o are probably their forehead and hands!!

he loves being kissed everywhere, but he really likes neck kisses and any kisses around his face :^)

l = little ones (How are they around children?)

he’s great with kids!! he’d tell them stories of how he defeated different warlocks that tried to test him, or giant manticores he tamed.

i think he’d really like kids too, mostly because they’re so easy to impress LMAO

it inflates his ego a little bit whenever one gets really into one of his stories

m = morning (how are mornings spent with them?)

if he wakes up before his s/o, he’d gently pull them into a hug while he waits for them to wake up (sobbing)

morning voice morning voice morning voice morning voice morning v

he memorized how his s/o likes their tea/coffee and will make it really groggily HAHA

n = night (how are nights spent with them?)

okokok hear me out

i think that gundham is a really good singer, so he would 100% sing u to sleep

he’d be embarrassed as hell though LMAOO

he’d probably cuddle them before they fall asleep and talk about each other’s days or just random stuff until they get tired

o = open (when would they start revealing things about themselves? do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

i think a few months into their friendship? he would talk about his childhood randomly, but would prefer if they don’t make a huge deal about it.

he’d open up more if his s/o did first! he would take it as they trust him enough to talk about it.

p = patience (how easily angered are they?)

it depends on the person! with someone like hiyoko, he can get pissed pretty quickly, but his patience is VERY thick with his s/o. generally, it takes a lot to anger him. 

that being said, if they put themself in danger he would get ticked off out of fear.

q = quizzes (how much would they remember about you? do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

especially in the beginning of their relationship when he was hesitant about physical/verbal affection, he would focus heavily on listening to them. he really wanted to show them that he respects them a lot, and remembering small things they mentioned would convey that well.

r = remember (what is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

after coming out of the shower, he walked in to see them asleep on his couch with the devas curled up on top of their chest. he went to go lay down with them and it just kind of.. hit him. that he wasn’t alone anymore and they loved and were there for him. :( 

s = security (how protective are they? how would they protect you? how would they like to be protected?)

he’s very protective!! (especially if you’re in the killing game) the thought of something happening to you is his worst fear. 

t = try (how much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

ALL THE EFFORT

if his s/o asks him to do something in passing, you BET he’s gonna make sure he does his best

he keeps track of anniversaries/important dates religiously because he’s terrified of accidentally forgetting LMAO

u = ugly (what would be some bad habits of theirs?)

sometimes i think he might come off as cold when embarrassed because his persona is so important to him, but if they expressed being upset he would backtrack SO fast

v = vanity (how concerned are they with their looks?)

not very much?? like, i think he would brag about his hair or something sometimes but he’s always joking LMAO

w = whole (would they feel incomplete without you?)

yes and no? if something ever happened to his s/o, he would feel horribly empty for a time. but i also think that being in a relationship could help him not feel so lonely and teach him better ways to take care of himself, so if they were to ever split he would be able to heal after he got over the initial sadness.

x = xtra (a random headcanon for them.)

he’s a Mitski Understander (TM) his favorite songs are crack baby, pink in the night, and i bet on losing dogs, i’m up for debate

and yes i absolutely will be making a gundham playlist

i don’t know if this counts since i’m 90% projecting, but i hc him as trans and ND so like. solidarity if you are too wink wonk

y = yuck (what are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

a/n - just so everyone knows, i honestly think every character would be fine with any type of person since projecting is so important to a lot of us. these are just my personal headcanons, and if they don’t apply to you please don’t take it personally!! <3

i think he would really want a kind s/o. especially with what he’s been through, someone who’s gentle/patient would mean the world to him

also someone who likes animals!! they mean so much to him and were basically his entire life until he met the others, so having someone who shared that interest would make him so happy

z = zzz (what is a sleep habits of theirs?)

it’s not uncommon for him to sleep with his animals!! he mostly just sleeps with the devas though; he would probably place them near his head or on his chest so he wouldn’t accidentally roll on them.

he also really likes cuddling with his s/o when they sleep! he wouldn’t mind being the big or little spoon, either.

[nohoney]

Tell Me (When You’re Ready) - 4.2

warnings: 18+, drug use, polyamory, low key manipulation, toxic relationships

summary: 

It was a hidden selfish offer he put out there, hoping on the slightest chance that he can become closer to you by becoming apart of the relationship if Touya approved. So when his offer gets the green light, he can’t help but feel a little bit giddy inside for the opportunity to become even closer to you.

Keigo loves being your friend, he genuinely does, but his desire for you is so strong that friendship can only wall off those feelings for so long.

4.1 ✧ 4.2 ✧ 4.3 ✧ 4.4

Since having met Touya, Keigo understood pretty quickly that his friend was the ‘no strings attached’ kind of guy when it came to girls. Not even a friends with benefits type of deal because hell, Touya didn’t really want friends. He was just a shameless guy who shamelessly used girls. So to learn that he’s chasing after one specific girl, going so far as to ghost half of the chicks he usually fucked, Keigo has to know who you are that’s got his friend entranced so much.

Before meeting you, Keigo had already known what you looked like naked and cock drunk after getting fucked. How fucking pretty you look with cum all over your face and how intoxicatingly cute you sounded as you backed up into Touya’s cock. Touya had no shame about sharing your nudes and the videos he recorded of the two of you, he’d done it plenty of times before. Just with you, instead of deleting them when he got bored they were saved into a folder on his phone.

Keigo just had to ask, “You got a crush on this girl?”

He’s not necessarily surprised that his question isn’t answered, just given a half hearted shrug before the line on the plate was snorted.

You’re definitely a pretty little thing that apparently that gives fantastic head and you’ve got a sweet cunt to match, that’s the impression that Keigo gets just from looking at photos of you. When you’re officially introduced to him, he gets why Touya became enthralled in you pretty quick. There’s an air about you that makes the people around you want to take care of you; it’s not that you’re an innocent virgin or inexperienced little girl that made Touya fall over for you, you’re just the type of girl that needs to be looked over and taken care of. That’s your purpose and the purpose you give to others because god, the award of just your smile and gratitude was just… enchanting.

You’re just begging to be possessed by someone and how fortunate for you that Touya’s the one you decide to give it a chance with.

Keigo had to admit silently to himself that it was a little amusing but also a little sad to watch Touya try to compute being sensitive and considerate to someone else’s feelings. But he cares about Touya so of course he helps him try to navigate the pitfalls of actually being tied down to someone. He hears both sides, the hardheadedness from Touya and the frustrations you bear from it but Keigo is there to help smooth things along.

He knows that he shouldn’t play therapist to you and Touya too often, you guys are adults and need to figure it out on your own, but he likes to see the two of you happy when things are calm for the time being up until another little mishap comes along again.

It’s so quick how it happens, considering that Keigo only met you so recently, but just like Touya he becomes more enamored by you as time passes by. When he’s alone with you, his heart flutters and he takes little moments to be close to you without breaking any suspicion that he wants more from you. More than just wanting you to bounce on his dick the way you do with Touya, he doesn’t want just sex from you, Keigo wants to own a piece of you too.

He thinks about fleeting moments with you, the little things you do with just him that Touya would be unable to do, and loves the sparkle you get in your eye when he does something as simple as get you a cup of coffee.

On the days that he’s not with you or Touya, when he’s busy with his own workload because he likes to keep busy, his breaks are spent just thinking of you. The texts you send back and forth to one another, a meme that’s an inside joke with you, and when he’s alone at night Keigo listens to the audio recordings of you getting fucked that Touya sent to him just the day before.

The few days that he doesn’t think about you at all are when he’s hyper focused on his work, needing Adderall to make sure that he’s ready for his upcoming presentation or upcoming exam that he feels he won’t do very well on. He works hard and focuses on what needs to be done for his courses, and when he’s all finished Keigo rewards himself by either thinking of you or contacting you for a little hangout.

Touya’s making good and sure that you’re bound to him, Keigo admittedly helping him in the process because he doesn’t want to be excluded from you and knowing that Touya won’t cut you off from him. You’ve got a pretty strong attachment to Keigo that actually warms his heart, you’re his little dove and Touya’s pretty doll.

Keigo is pretty sure that Touya is aware of his feelings for you, but he gives him the courtesy of coming clean to his friend. He’s admitting that he likes his friend’s girlfriend as more than just a friend and a sexual object. Touya doesn’t seem to react to his admission, further confirming that he most likely knew all along, but Keigo is surprised by Touya’s confession that he’s in love with you.

The guy that’s still fucks other girls on the side while dealing to them is in love with you.

At least it’s Touya’s version of love.

Keigo can see Touya’s anxiety, how he hides his codependency for you by always trying to ensure you’re right where he wants you and how unhinged he gets when it seems you’re gone too long. Sometimes he really does fear for Touya’s psyche and how fragile he actually is sometimes, such an apathetic guy getting hung up over one girl. He understands though because you’re Touya’s first love and as scared as he is of that feeling, he also doesn’t want to let it go so he’s grooms you to keep you by his side. Overt attention by always wanting to know where you are, verbal seduction and charming you with the cute names he gives you, physical isolation by always wanting to keep you at his apartment, and gift giving in the form of pills and powders that you’re actually craving more of but they keep you balanced, not too little and definitely not too much.

You have such soft boundaries so it was easy to capture you, he knows it’s wrong.

But Keigo can’t say he’ll stop himself or Touya from keeping you to themselves. They both treat you the same way, Keigo’s just a bit on the nicer side and a little more polished with his social skills so he flies a bit under the radar. The two of them guard you away from anything you shouldn’t know, things that you don’t have to know because there’s no reason for you to get involved in the first place. You learned pretty early on to not ask questions, even if the both of them can see that burning curiosity in your eye but you extinguish those feelings and do as you’re told.

You are such a good little bird.

Touya still struggles navigating his relationship and committing himself to you, so Keigo offers himself as a buffer. It was a hidden selfish offer he put out there, hoping on the slightest chance that he can become closer to you by becoming apart of the relationship if Touya approved. So when his offer gets the green light, he can’t help but feel a little bit giddy inside for the opportunity to become even closer to you.

Keigo loves being your friend, he genuinely does, but his desire for you is so strong that friendship can only wall off those feelings for so long.

He wants to care for you, wants to look over you, and wants to keep you happy.

“You’re so good Keigo… I love you so much. I’m so glad that we met Keigo, I’m so happy you’re in my life.” you told him while you’re at the peak of your roll at a house party Touya brought you to. He knows that you only took the tablet to forget about your anger towards your boyfriend but Keigo will gladly take all the affection you give him while you’re doped up on serotonin.

And the way you pulled him in to kiss you?

God, he knew that you were on but you couldn’t have done that with him without at least feeling a little bit something more than just friendship with him.

Now Keigo doesn’t want to shift the blame around… but Touya was the one that almost fucked up the arrangement. Of course you were going to get mad at Touya when you saw that hickey on his neck, it shouldn’t have been a surprise. But Keigo is familiar with his friend’s temper and has to talk him down when he insinuates breaking up with you, which is the last thing that either of them wants. “She just misses you, you gotta at least try to meet her in the middle. Are you really okay with her feeling like you’re ignoring her?”

Keigo knows that it’s really serious between the two of you as he commanded you to call him by his name instead of Dabi, both of them looking down on you as Touya thrusts his cock into your little pussy. He remembers your eyes looking back and forth between the two of them, probably still not comprehending what exactly was happening. He heard all of Touya’s words and your little sounds through the haze of his own come down, just enough blood rushing to his dick to get him hard but not enough where he can take up Touya’s offer to fuck you in the moment. He figured it was best though, that it wasn’t the right time for him to fuck your brains out when you just learned the truth of how he really felt about you.

It was a rough start but Keigo got inducted into the relationship although in the process he had accidentally revealed some information to you that Touya wasn’t ready to discuss with you yet. He just hated seeing you so upset over the other girls and when you had depreciated yourself into listing yourself as just one of the whores, he just had to tell you that you were more important to Touya than anything else. You technically weren’t wrong when you deduced that Keigo was being offered into the relationship for Touya’s peace of mind and to ensure you wouldn’t run off to anyone else.

“He feels you only deserved to get fucked by people who love you, those were his words.”

Those words had secured everything into place, even if he was never supposed to say it in the first place.

“Wait, did Touya actually say that he loves me? What kind of love are we talking about?”

Keigo couldn’t say anymore on that, it wasn’t his place to say anything.

“Do you love me Keigo and is that love the same as Touya’s?”

Nope, he accidentally cracked that door open and now you were trying to get a peek inside. And on top of ousting Touya, he also did it to himself as well. Touya was the one who said out loud that he loved you, not him… at least not yet. He definitely feels something more than just a friendly fondness for you, infatuation was probably the right word to describe it but not enough, just saying ‘liking you a lot’ doesn’t cover the foundation of what his feelings for you are. It’s much too abstract for him to label it but he guesses love could be the best word to describe it.

That first time he pushed his cock inside you, he felt like he was about to almost blow his load immediately into you. He just almost couldn’t believe that it was actually happening, he wasn’t fisting his dick in his hand while listening to another audio recording of you sent from Touya or fucking some annoying girl into her bed while wishing it was you; Keigo was actually fucking you himself. He also couldn’t help the slight satisfaction that you were so shy to have him join whereas with Touya you were so eager; you were so cute acting all bashful and so fucking sexy as you lost your mind over his dick.

And when Touya asked if you wanted Keigo to fuck you too and be with the both of them, he came earlier than he would have liked because he got so excited when you said that you wanted the both of them.

She wants me… she wants me!

After that ‘proper threesome’ and spending more time together as more than just friends, Keigo decides that he no longer guesses he loves you; he really does love you.

After months of silently pining, he gets to have you the same way Touya does. He doesn’t mind this whole polyamorous thing going on between the three of them, Keigo’s brought a balance to the relationship that Touya could never bring himself. It’s not to say that things are one hundred percent smooth since Keigo came in, but definitely not as rocky as before when it was just you and Touya. They get the (not so) occasional looks from people as you hold hands with the both of them, move to kiss one of them on the lips before going to the other, and then drop little innuendos that you want to get railed by the both of them.

Touya’s happy and Keigo’s happy.

And what’s most important is that you’re happy and you’re not leaving them.

Touya tends to worry himself into anxiety over that possibility and Keigo not as much, but it does creep on him on occasion.

There was one day Touya brings something new for all three of you to try: ketamine. Touya’s really into opioids and anesthetics so it seemed suitable for him whereas Keigo favors amphetamine and stimulants; one likes to be detached and relaxed versus the other that wants to be alert and energetic. Anesthetics aren’t really his thing but he’s willing to give it a try at least, just like he did with orgies and shrooms. Keigo tried them, thought it was decent and would think about doing it again if there was an opportunity.

So the three of you try it together and wait for it to settle in.

Like Keigo thought would happen, Touya really likes it. He sat on his side of the couch very comfortable and relaxed while you sat by his feet on the floor, looking like you were in a dream and floating in whatever happy sea that the tranquilizer had brought to you. Unfortunately for Keigo, he did not like it at all and he wondered what he did wrong for him to feel fucked up. He didn’t like feeling detached from his body and he felt anxious instead, sitting uncomfortably on his side of the couch and trying to calm himself.

He feels lazy and numb but not in the good way.

At that moment he craved coke more than ever to wake him up, wondering how many lines it would take to pull him out of this sea that he was drowning in. Then he feels a weight on his lap, he opens his bleary eyes and sees you right in front of him looking so concerned for him. “S’okay Keigo… we’re here. Don’t freak out.” you coo to him, dropping your hands on his shoulders and getting comfortable in his lap. Your movements are a bit lazy but he can see you trying your best to be present for him.

“Dove… no, M’fine…” Keigo drawls out and frowns at hearing his own voice.

His eyes gloss over your features and he thinks in that moment that you’re pretty, much too pretty for your own good. There was a guy he saw walking down the street the other day, a very handsome guy and then he’s suddenly pairing that random handsome stranger with you instead. Keigo doesn’t like the image he conjured in his head and he drops his head back against the couch.

Keigo feels one of your hands on the back of his head, carefully cradling his head as you bring it forward. He lolls a little bit and he still feels like he’s out of his own body, images of you with that handsome man still dance in his head and he feels like he’s in that scenario he’s imagining rather than being present with you as you comb your hand through his hair. “Don’ leave songbird… don’ go.”

“I’m here Kei… M’here.” your voice is so soft when you reassure him, though you look unsure yourself if your words were reaching him. “C’mere… let’s hold hands…”

With the best effort your could you settled in between the boys on the couch, leaning more towards Keigo’s side so that you could tend to him and Touya leaning towards you. His hands felt like it was two hundred pounds when you grabbed his, wondering how you got so strong when just yesterday you couldn’t open your water bottle because Touya screwed the lid on too tight. But you hold Keigo’s hand in your lap and Touya puts his hand over yours as well.

“We fucked up… I shoulda’ trip sit for you guys…” Touya says quietly, enjoying the effects of the ketamine but present enough to acknowledge the irresponsibility of the three of you experimenting with something new without someone to watch over you. “No more for the bird boy… he don’t like it.”

That was a huge understatement.

“How do you feel (Name)?”

“Kinda like… I’m drunk but not? It feels good for me but Keigo… I think he mighta’ done a little more than us and thas’ why he’s like this…”

You talk but Keigo still thinks about you and the handsome stranger together, his own anxieties forming in his chest and clawing him from the inside. Like he’s living in that hallucination in his mind, following the imaginary you as a ghost even though you were literally right next to him. He’s unable to freak out properly but he tries to concentrate, hating himself and the passage of time because goddamnit, he wants to be sober.

Much like how Touya swore off acid the first and last time he tried it, Keigo would never consume ketamine again. He probably really did take a little more than he thought he did because you and Touya had a positive experience while he was suffering. He read online later about some other people’s experience and some of them falling into the ‘K-hole’, an experience of extreme dissociation and severe sedation.

“God… never fucking again.”

He’ll stick to cocaine and Adderall, thank you. Neither of those things gave him anxiety or weird  hallucinations about you running off with other people.

You doted on him for a while after that experience, like making his favorite foods and stopping by his lab to drop off coffee to him. He appreciated you going out of your way for him but it wasn’t necessary, you were the one that should be doted on. So with the little favors you did for him, he rewarded you back twice as much.

Of course he knows that your favorite rewards are the ones that leave your legs shaking and cum either oozing out of your cute pussy or painted on your body instead.

He likes working alongside Touya to make you go cock crazy when the three of you are together. It’s a little paradoxical how much they want to protect you but when it comes to sex, they just want to bully and make you cry so much. Your cute little hiccups when you beg that they be nice to you or the tears that gather on the rim of your pretty eyes as they overwhelm you the point of being unable to articulate anything else but their names, calling you a dumb little girl or a cock crazed bitch or a useless cumslut.

So fucking mean… but it feels so fucking good.

“Use me… use me please!” you cry out.

“Such a dumb little whore.” Keigo tuts at you while Touya fetches his belt and restrains your arms through the loops after making sure it’s nice and secure.

They fuck you like crazy, demeaning names coupled with little rewards as you helplessly let yourself be used and overloaded. And as mean as they are, they’re always extra loving afterwards. The first time you experienced a sub drop from them, it didn’t go very smoothly and they had to scramble because they thought the aftercare they provided before was enough. They’re whispering sweet praises and compliments for being such a good girl, more head pets and massages to relax you, squeezing hugs and loving kisses.

“Princess, you are so sweet… such a good princess.”

“Baby bird, our pretty little baby.”

When they’re sure that you’re all taken care of, they let you rest for however long you need to. They quietly leave the bedroom and they sit together, sometimes having a smoke together or making something to eat later on.

Touya returns from the balcony after having a cigarette while Keigo just sat inside and scrolled through his phone. He checked up on you just a few minutes ago, still finding you sound asleep and still leaving you be. Touya plants himself on the opposite end of the couch, exhaling and letting his head fall back against the cushions.

“I love her.” he says out loud.

“I know.”

“Do you think she loves us?”

“I’m pretty sure that with everything we’ve been through, she has to at least feel a little something like that.”

Touya turns his head to look at Keigo and asks, “Do you think she knows I love her?”

Yeah because Keigo is the one that accidentally told you.

He clears his throat and reaches for his glass of water, taking a few sips before setting it back down on the coaster. “Do you think you’re ready to tell her?”

“I’ve told her I loved her… just never to her face.”

Keigo didn’t exactly know what he meant saying that but he put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and told him, “Take the time you need man, I’m sure (Name) will be really happy when you decide to tell her.”

Keigo says that but he actually hopes that Touya will confess himself to you soon so that he can say it too. He wants to tell you that he loves you too, but he’s very aware that you probably want to reciprocate an ‘I love you’ to Touya first rather than him. After all, it was Touya that you got together with first so it seemed natural that you would trade those words with him before telling Keigo.

He can see that sparkle in your eye when you look at either of them, the way you look so fucking soft at them that he just wants to lay in bed naked with you and just hold you until the universe disintegrates. You put so much trust in them and you don’t even realize how much power you hold over them. They love you but the questions begs is if you love them back in the same way they do.

You must be, you wouldn’t be doing this with them if you didn’t at all.

It’s always hard to be the first one to put those words out there and honestly if Touya wasn’t in the picture, Keigo would have said them by now.

Don’t get him wrong, Keigo does love this three way relationship he has with you and Touya but sometimes there’s that small selfish part of him that imagines that it was just you and him. Touya got to date you by himself for a few months, just the two of you before Keigo was added in and Keigo knows that he’ll never have the chance to monogamously date you because he knows that you and Touya won’t let each other go. You’ve been reeled in, going against your intuition to leave him because you’ve made yourself to believe the infatuation and obsession he has over you is genuine love despite still fucking other girls and struggling internally with his own commitment to you.

But is Keigo’s love any different from Touya’s? It honestly isn’t, he can’t fool himself into thinking that he loves you any different than Touya; everything his friend does, Keigo would do the same, just the only difference being that if you told him to stop seeing other girls, Keigo would in a heartbeat. They obsess over you with the same intensity, dote on you the same, coddle the hell out of you and spoil you so much.

Keigo secretly loves when you go to him when Touya leaves to sell to the whores. He hates seeing you upset over Touya but he loves that you go to him to take your mind off of it. In those times he lies to himself and believes that you’re just dating him and him alone, that there’s no other person you’re in love with and all your devotion belongs to him. Keigo knows that Touya still struggles with his commitment to you, that as much as he loves you there’s also a voice that whispers in his head to sabotage things with you by still returning to the whores. And Keigo is there to tell his friend that one day he’ll stop seeing those other girls, that one day Touya will imagine his world without you if he continued to do what he does and that it’ll scare him so much that it really will just be you and only you.

Keigo hopes that when that day comes that he’ll still be around as well, that you’re feelings for him will be just as strong as you feel for Touya and you’ll want him to stay just as bad.

He’s apart of this too, he’s in love with you too.

When you’re in his bed with your knees pressed to your chest and your hands weakly holding onto the headboard he asks you, “Am I your boyfriend?”

“Yeah… Yes, you’re my boyfriend!” you mewl, eyes rolling to the back of your head.

His golden eyes are intense on you as he pulls those beautiful sounds from you, like he’s a conductor and you’re his choir. He twirls his hip a certain way and you cry out for him, he presses his thumb to your clit and you choke out a curse, he slaps one of your tits and you beg for Keigo to be a little more gentle. You were being such a coy little brat earlier, not following instructions when he told you to ride his cock the way he wanted you to, instead of getting him off you were using him for your own pleasures. And he would have spoiled you with all the orgasms you wanted had you not been such a cheeky little thing and had the audacity to call him your dildo as you rode him to your pleasure.

Keigo understands why Touya likes it so much when you’re a brat, you’ve got that crazed look in your eye as you anticipate punishment from either of them. That you know you’re being a little shit by acting defiant just so that they can assume control over you and fucking show that you’re not the boss around here, they are. They control whether or not you get to get off and if you do, it’s going to be by their rules and not yours.

Be a little brat, be a little whore… just keep on being ours…

“Who’s pussy is this little dove? Who does your pussy belong to?” Keigo grunts the questions as he drives his hips forward into your cunt. The bed creaks under the weight of his movements but your sounds are louder, garbled moans and cute hiccups as you try to find in your scrambled, fucked up brain the answer he wants to hear. He holds the back of your knees, skin slapping loudly against one another every time he pushes his length into you. “I asked you a question dove.”

“It’s yours Keigo! This pussy belongs to you!” you sob out as your hands lose grip on the headboard and fall limply above your head.

You’re such a radiating vision in that moment that Keigo’s heart jumps up into his throat, caught off guard by how much he’s enraptured by you. He has plenty of photos and videos of you in his phone, thousands of memories that play through in his head, and yet his heart still swells every time he sees how beautiful you are. Whether your hair is tied up or worn down, with or without makeup, wearing big sweats or pretty dresses, when you’ve got the happiest grin on your face or heartbreaking tears fall from your eyes, whether you’re just being yourself or navigating in the throes of something difficult for you, he always thinks you’re beautiful.

Chest heaving and broken sobs spill out of your pretty lips, you cum unexpectedly on his cock and he wonders himself what triggered you because he’s pretty certain that he didn’t do anything in particular. So he inspects you and sees how flustered you are, glassy eyes that look away in embarrassment, the cute way you use one hand to cover the lower half of your face and the other covering your breasts… you’re acting shy all of a sudden.

How adorable… but for what reason?

Keigo gently takes your hands and pins them down onto the bed, his grip firm to ensure you won’t go anywhere but not too tight. You try to turn your head away but he follows, capturing you in a kiss and cherishing how you moan against his mouth. Your pussy clenches around him and he pulls back, a line of drool connecting your lips together. “Baby bird? Are you okay?”

You nod your head and look up at him through your lashes, you’re so demure when not too long ago you were acting like a little brat.

Something changed but Keigo doesn’t know what.

“Kei… fuck me please.”

So he does, releasing your wrists and bracing one arm by your head while the other grabs the headboard. Keigo’s body shivers slightly as your arms go up and he feels your hands lay flat on the upper of his back, the tips of your fingers just pressing slightly down on muscles that almost makes him like jelly. His weak spot was right there and you knew what you were doing when you touched him there.

He thinks about the conversation you had with him and Touya, the one where you talked about if they both had super powers. It intrigued him when you told him that you could imagine him having wings as his power, it inspired him a little to consider getting wings tattooed on his back. You always admired Touya’s own minimal tattoos and he can imagine your awe if he were to get his own ink designed into his body as well.

Keigo fucks you roughly enough where you head begins to bounce against the headboard but you’re uncaring since it doesn’t hurt too much. You might get a little headache later on but he’ll be there to nurse your little head.

“Touch yourself baby bird, play with yourself…”

When you play with your clit, your pussy quivers around his cock and it’s only a few more pumps until the both of you finish together. He presses his face into the crook of your neck and groans lowly, the timber of his voice making you shudder beneath him. Quiet panting as the two of you catch your breath, Keigo reaching blindly for the shirt he tossed off earlier so that he could use it as a cum rag. He pulls out quickly and you whimper, letting his cum ooze out of your little pussy.

“Make sure to pee baby bird.” he reminds you.

“Yes Keigo…”

You wash up in his bathroom, your favorite shampoo and conditioner set along with your body wash sit in his little shower caddy that hangs from the shower head. Music plays from your phone as you clean up while Keigo is in his kitchen and setting up some snacks to eat for when you come out. Touya is going to return soon, making a delivery in downtown and meeting up with Shigaraki in the meantime.

He should be here any minute.

Keigo hears his hair dryer being used, louder than the music playing from your phone from where he stands. You told him how you want to style his hair differently the next time there’s a date night and he looks forward to it.

Emerging from the shower refreshed and clean, you come out wearing a pair of comfy sweats and a little tank top that hangs a little low and shows off your cleavage. You’re not trying to be sexy, it’s just comfortable loungewear for you. Refreshed from cleaning up, you help Keigo put the snacks on the coffee table as well as pour a cup of coffee for Touya when he arrives. Feeding each other chips and popcorn, Keigo cuddles you as the two of you watch a comedy together.

The lock to his door turns and Touya enters, taking off his jacket and leaving his boots by the front door. He goes straight to you, a sign that he hadn’t sold to one of his whores because if he did, he would have just gone straight to the restroom to wash off whatever perfume the bitch was wearing. You’re happy to see him, pecking him on the lips and letting him lay his head down in his lap while Keigo has his arm around your shoulder.

It feels nice, just the three of you.

Touya will talk to Keigo later about what happened with Shigaraki, if there is anything at all to say. But for now, he enjoys the hand you have on his knee while your other one massages Touya’s scalp.

At some point Touya turns his head, his nose pretty close to your crotch and he takes a small sniff. “I can smell Keigo’s cum in you doll. You sitting here still stuffed with cum?”

You’re embarrassed and try to push Touya’s head away. “I-I swear that I washed most of it out while I was in the shower! I just didn’t want to have to change my panties twice in a day if I kept it in me and-”

Touya chuckles and taps his finger on the tip of your nose. “I’m just kidding princess but now I know that you were being a little whore again while I was away.” It’s said in jest and it makes Keigo laugh as well as you squawk at him, pushing at Touya’s head and demand that he take his ass to the shower because you claim that he stinks. Keigo continues to snicker as Touya does as he’s told, knocking his head slightly on the way before shutting the bathroom door.

You take the bowl of chips that’s almost empty and head to the kitchen for a refill, mumbling about how dirty Touya was.

Keigo follows you, hearing the shower running inside the bathroom and knowing that he has to say this quickly since Touya doesn’t take very long showers. So he puts an arm around your waist and pulls you to him, softly calling your name to get your attention. You look up at him and wonder what he wants to say, noticing the change of tone in his voice.

Touya can take the time he needs for his own confession, Keigo wants to let you know now.

“I love you.”

Your eyes widen slightly in surprise and your mouth drops a little, clearly not anticipating that he would say such a thing. But then a happy smile comes onto your face and Keigo is relieved to see a positive reaction, his heart would have been broken if you had given him anything else. He can see that you’re trying to say it back but you hesitate as your eyes shift to the bathroom door and he already knows why; you want to tell Touya you love him first before saying it to Keigo.

It’s okay, you’re worth the wait.

“You don’t have to say it back right now, I just wanted to let you know dove.”

Because now that he thinks about it, that reaction you had earlier in his bed, he could see that shift when he replays it in his head. You must have realized it then with his cock buried in you that you were in love with him too, not just with Touya. He’s buried deep in your heart now and he’s not as fearful that you’ll let him go and choose him over Touya, he needs to be in this relationship in order for you and Touya to thrive.

You’ll choose them both because you know that you need both him and Touya.

Even if sometimes he still imagines that it was just you and him, Keigo knows that it’s better that he share you with Touya than not have you at all.

“Will you say it again Keigo?” you ask quietly, your eyes shining with a new light that makes Keigo’s heart swell. He knows you love him back and he’ll patiently for you to return those words back to him when you’re ready, he looks forward to it. He leans in close to your ear, whispering it so smoothly as your whole body shudders in pleasure.

“I love you.”

[broadwaycantdie]

Race’s Quarantine Journal

( Race’s POV ) + ( Diary ) + ( High School AU )

a/n: aka me projecting

sorry this is shitty, i’m just feeling a lot rn and i wanted to get it all out

warnings: mental health, mentions of self harm and death, language

March 10, 2020

Everything has been crazy. People keep talking about some virus going around. It’s probably not too bad, I’ve had the flu before.

March 13, 2020

My school just sent me an email saying we can’t go back until April? Huh? Well at least I can finally get a break. School has been kicking my ass. I need a nice little vacation. I’ll relax and hang out with my friends. A quick little month long break ain’t too bad my senior year.

March 18, 2020

You’re telling me that my teachers are still giving work on this break? And they want me to video chat with them? Hell no. This is my vacation. I’ll just catch up when we go back to school.

March 21, 2020

So my parents aren’t letting me leave the house? It can’t be that bad. Maybe I should do my own research cause there is no way that all these shops should be closing and that I can't leave. I don't know what I’ll do if I’m stuck in this house for a month. All my friends can't leave either. Maybe we can just video chat I guess. I’ll see them soon enough anyway.

March 31, 2020

I’ve done so much research. Everything is so bad. So many people are dying. No one is doing anything about it. Why the fuck isn't anyone doing anything about it? Why are people still going out? Nothing is open. Go home.

April 1, 2020

I woke up today hoping this all was a crazy April Fool’s prank.

I wish I was right.

April 6, 2020

I was supposed to go back to school today.

Instead I got another email saying the closure got extended.

I don’t know when we’ll be able to go back.

April 10, 2020

I’ve been picking up a lot of hobbies.

Mostly I’ve been dancing. It calms my nerves. I’m going crazy in this house.

I tried painting but that got messy. I tried reading some books but words have never been the easiest things for me. I tried playing guitar with an old one I found in the garage but it hurts my fingers too much.

I’ll stick with dancing.

April 15, 2020

I don’t know what else to do. I’ve redecorated my bedroom 3 times and my parents told me if they hear me moving furniture in the middle of the night one more time they’d make me take everything down.

I feel trapped.

April 16, 2020

Maybe I should try to write in here more. That’s the only thing I can think to do. I could do a “what I did today” or a mood tracker. I might actually do the mood tracker but I know all well I won’t do it everyday. Maybe weekly? Maybe every couple days? Maybe whenever I feel like it?

Okay....today I feel: Bored.

April 22, 2020

It's Earth Day. One of my favorite days.

I hope that with the world shut down the Earth can breathe a little easier today.

Today I feel: Hopeful.

April 25, 2020

Today would’ve been my senior prom.

I actually had a date and everything, for the first time. How great would that have been?

I’m not gonna write a lot today. Too sad.

May 1, 2020

I can’t do this much longer. Everything sucks and I feel so stuck. I haven't left my house, I haven't seen my friends, my family is driving me crazy, my sleep schedule is totally fucked, I haven’t been this depressed since middle school, and I can’t do anything about any of it. It fucking sucks.

May 3, 2020

Let’s play a fun game. Okay so I’ll start with 10 fingers up and if this thing has happened put a finger down.

Okay so put a finger down if you really liked someone and you had a good thing going with them but you let the worst person in your life convince you that you shouldn't be with them and that they were the problem so you had to hurt the person you really liked to make the worst person feel better cause they manipulated you and took control of your brain and then the person you liked ended up dating one of your friends and you couldn't even be mad at them cause they were so happy and cute and you were happy for them both but then they broke up and you don’t know if it’s cool to talk to the guy you liked cause your friend is the ex and you haven't talked to them in a long time and they probably hate you cause you hurt him and he wouldn't understand cause your excuse is so shitty and you guys are now so different and life is just really hard and you think about what y’all had and miss it so much cause it was so good and thats all you want, to be loved, and you know it’ll never be the same so you don't even bother.

I’m down to 9 fingers.

God I fucking miss him.

May 4, 2020

For a long time I’ve convinced myself I don’t deserve love and I really think it’s true. That’s all I’ve ever wanted but I’ve done so many bad things what if no one wants me?

Everyone hates me. My friends only pretend to like me. I don’t understand why someone would want to be friends with someone like me. I’m so difficult.

May 6, 2020

It feels like I dropped out.

I’m not doing any school work. I missed my prom. I probably won't have a graduation ceremony. Worst part is, I didn’t drop out. I can’t just move on. I have to just sit with this.

I guess it's not hitting me as hard as some other people because I didn’t even plan to be alive this long so I was already prepared to miss them. It’ll probably hit me soon tho. I just won't let myself breakdown. Not yet.

May 8, 2020

Can I just say something?

I’m so fucking tired of being alone.

Not just cause quarantine, like in general. I want to be loved but I have to fuck everything up all the time, God why am I so stupid all the time?

And I don’t mean my friends just saying “oh I love you!” like no, thats nice, but at the end of the day that’s not the kind of love thats going to marry me, or hold me when I can’t sleep at night, or cook dinner with me.

I’m so tired of being undeserving and undesirable. What is wrong with me? What does everyone hate so much?

If I’m being honest, I cry every night because of this loneliness I feel. I just want it to stop.

May 10, 2020

My panic attacks are getting worse. For no reason.

I panic over things that 3 months ago I would've just pushed away. But now this isolation and fear is making everything so bad.

I started seeing things again. I started picking and twitching and shaking again. I haven't been this bad in a long time. How long before the thoughts come back? The urges? Will I be able to stop them this time? I hope so. I really hope.

May 13, 2020

So I’ve officially reverted back into my childhood state of watching old cartoons all day for any sort of serotonin. It's working a little ngl.

May 15, 2020

I picked up my yearbook today. I drove to my school and they handed it to me through a window. Can’t get it signed, can’t see anyone, can’t do anything.

I don't know if I have the strength to look through it right now knowing I might never see these kids again.

May 17, 2020

I had one of the worst episodes in a while today.

I saw this video and I don’t wanna talk about it cause I don't want to think about it but it made me twitch and shake for so long.

I couldn’t stop. I was so scared. I picked at my skin for a long time. I couldn't open my eyes. My head hurts from shaking for so long.

I just want to go to sleep.

May 20, 2020

My parents are so clueless. Do they really not know? Do they choose to look past it? Do they know and not want to say anything?

Can they not see that I’m not fucking okay?

There is no way they don’t notice how I twitch and shake and pick at my skin. They can’t ignore my tear soaked face almost daily. They might not see when I wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and desperately try to calm myself. But they never ask me if I’m okay.

The answer is “no” if they ever decide to ask.

May 23, 2020

I’m official a high school graduate!

Though it doesn't really feel like it.

I drove to the school and picked up my diploma and that was it. A masked “congratulations” and a piece of paper and that was that.

Congrats to me though. I guess.

May 27, 2020

I feel so empty.

Actually, I don't feel anything.

I just sit here. I don't remember when I last ate. I haven’t gotten out of bed. Haven’t watched anything. Just thinking.

Today is not a good day.

I don't want to be alive today.

I just hope the urges stay at bay. I don't know if I can stop myself this time.

May 30, 2020

I wish I was dead.

Everything I love is being taken away from me.

I want to kill myself. I haven’t felt like this in years. Everything is only getting worse and I can't stop it.

I want to but I can’t. If I try and fail thats selfish cause I’d be taking up space in the hospital for people who actually need it.

I’m useless. I’m powerless. I want out.

May 31, 2020

I’m so sick. I’m so weak. My head is killing me.

I’m not sick, I just feel shitty. Not an uncommon feeling.

I don’t know how much longer I can fight off the urges.

I’m sorry.

I wish I was sick. It would make this whole thing easier. I feel like this will never end. I want out.

I’m sorry.

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/sad

and my brain has decided to let go of all of the serotonin so i can have a shitty day, thank you my body, i really appreciate it. like, im sitting here thinking im doing fine then all of a sudden everything hits me and im losing it all over again. why am i like this? i cant have one day of pure happiness without my head ruining it. im fucking terrified of loud noises bc of my experience with storms, i cant let go of a toxic friendship bc i keep blaming myself for the end of it, and my anxiety is through the roof bc of how angry and scared i am because of the upcoming election. who let my head be designed like this, i fucking hate it.

[kachinnate]

we’ve finally come time for the one (1) annual Kayla’s Having a Bad Time post 

i don’t know anymore what exactly is wrong with me but wow!! is it bad!!! and wow do i hate it !!!!! i have not gone a day w/o crying in like a week and a half and i’m so tired, i’m literally so tired of hating myself just for existing and i’m tired of all the little things that should not upset me upsetting me only because they’re in masse, only because all together it’s so much and i only have two fucking hands 

and like in the back of my mind even fucking still i’m like “.... okay but placebo effect. okay but you aren’t really sad tho. okay but you literally just don’t want to get better you are doing this for attention you are doing this bc being content would be easy and you just want to stir the pot clearly, just stop” to the point where i’m like I Guess I Have To Prove to even myself that i am fucking justified in feeling the way that i do before my brain gaslights itself into thinking that there was never anything wrong with me to begin with and that i’ve fucking put myself in this hole myself for no reason other than ... i don’t even know! i don’t know 

makes a list in my notes :) to remember all the heinous bullshit going on :) and maybe for catharsis reasons i don’t fucking care anymore 

- it’s the anniversary of the thing. you know. ;) the kind of traumatic experience of having the people i called best friends fucking uhhh pick on me every day for the entirety of like eight months - on my eating habits on my behavior on my anxiety on the things they knew i fucking hated about myself - only for them to just. drop me all of a sudden, on THEIR own terms, as if I was the one who fucking did anything to THEM, thus rendering me from never getting my own fucking closure from the situation ! i have both of them still added as friends on snapchat and i follow them on instagram because for some reason i know that if i just blocked them it would cause problems (what problems?? what arbitrary fucking problems???) seeing their faces makes me feel literal actual dread, i can’t go to one of the restaurants in my town alone because they work there and i hate it ! i hated every second of april 2019 - september 2019 where i felt fucking psychotic for being upset over this situation, where i couldn’t convince myself that i wasn’t insane for being strung up and i couldn’t even call it trauma until like march when someone coined it that for me themselves lol ,,,, i hate myself for still giving them my thoughts, i hate myself for wondering that in a different universe where i wasn’t as fucking stupid or ditzy if they’d still talk to me. i hate myself for wondering if ***** looks at the message i left on her poster last april where i told her how much i admired her and loved her and thinks about me, because that was probably the last time i ever said anything real to her, which... haha. what a JOKE right? 

- my rsd has somehow fucking spiked and gotten so much worse in like.. the last eight days. literally when i first posted ‘sweet hibiscus tea’ i went and checked it a few days after and it had like. two dislikes? and i like. cried? :) which is so dramatic and i hate it djksgndsg i can’t go a day reading messages or texts from anyone who talks to me without finding one that’s not inherently positive and picking it apart until i’ve hurt myself over something that wasn’t even related, im too sensitive about EVERYTHING but i don’t know how to address it or deal with it so i just don’t which i think is... why it’s getting worse oop. it gets triggered by literally fucking everything i hate it here 

- one of the only things bringing me any sort of serotonin rn is making content. hense the hyperfixating on my r and on this oneshot and on the writing meme things, like. it makes me feel productive, but hyperfixating for me oftentimes leads to a bad headspace which makes me fucking disoriented when i come out of it, and like. ofc there’s the typical things w it too like me forgetting to do other shit like eat or whatever but it’s literally been the only way i can cope with myself. making things. getting validation for things. if i can entertain someone for like, ten minutes, maybe anything i do matters. maybe. fuck. 

- i can’t not self isolate myself when things are bad, i just. can’t sdjgnsd like i hate talking about myself i hate talking about the way i feel because nothing makes sense?? i encourage people to talk to me when they feel bad but i can’t ever do the same for myself because i’m a hypocrite! and like the feelings of worthlessness overpower everything i do! convince me people don’t care and shit when i know that’s not the case, but if i acknowledge that then i have to think about how i’m being selfish by fucking moping but not talking to anyone, and i just! i cannot win !!! ever! 

- ^^^^ on that note, literally the few times i’ve felt okay recently i’ve had that ripped right from me by little things people close to me have done, like !! can you not vague me?? regardless of if you see that i’m doing bad mentally or not ???? i’m begging you , i’m so sorry that i’m not acting normal but can you for one second maybe consider that i’m a person ? i may be SAD but i’m not fucking STUPID so if i bother you just tell me ??? it’s the least you can do ??????

- scared i can’t love. scared i’m not morally a good person. scared that i’m selfish but don’t realize it. i wasn’t meant to have a confidant i don’t think and who am i to ever try and subject anyone to my fucked up head 

- i’m constantly fucking terrified on my dad’s behalf because this dude is 41 years old yet i’m the fucking adult out of the two of us most of the time? he comes home drunk so often and i’ve thought that he’s had alcohol poisoning more than once and i hate being fucking scared of having to like. contact fafsa or my college like “hey can u adjust my financial aid, because i’m kind of an orphan now? :’)” we don’t have any other family, i can’t ask anyone to help me it’s literally me and him against the world and he’s put me on this pedestal of being an amazing daughter so i feel guilty at the thought of anything happening to him as if i’m his fucking guardian. he drinks so much and he’s so infidelious and ridiculous so what’s going to happen when i leave ? 

it’s just. so much. but i don’t want to be a beacon of negative shit because even after all of this i’m self conscious of making other people sad so i pretend that everything’s fine on my sc and in person , which i know gives off the vibe of “but she’s not even acting sad? :///” when i offhandedly mention anywhere that i’ve been depressed and i just. i’m sorry that i don’t post about how when i’m not staring at my huion screen i’m fucking staring at the wall wondering if anyone would fucking notice other than my dad and my coworkers if i just disappeared without a word

it feels selfish to complain about my life feeling bad with all the shit going on, too, on top of that. so it’s better if i just don’t say anything at all, there’s other shit to deal with other than my life falling apart because really this just happens every year around this time doesn’t it. i’ll get over it. i’m being dramatic and stupid and in like two months none of this will even fucking matter 

tldr; i need to get my meds upped or something 

[adiityav]

End of the Intro Trilogy from Diaries of a Ghost

You got two options now. You either are going to take the easy way out you are going to run away from that damned hell of hours that you only set for yourself. Which one is it because time is ticking and you don’t have much time to waste. Or any time more at all. You might be thinking you choose your own path to make it seem everything is alright but by the end, you come down to this as you do every single day. Which one is it, you aren’t going to be let go until you pick an answer chained in that very seat you wasted hours in. Every single day, every single moment, it’s torture. Do you remember when there was a good time in your life when you were truly innocent, it really must have been the life but that changed quickly for you. If you go die, it’s only going to prove the statistics, you go run away, you know they won’t look for long and you will be back right here in your chair in the very hell you created. Only God can save you now because every single beating you took and every single phrase that you said led to this point. You thought back of fighting back. You led an establishment in your head that they won’t listen to you quiet or loud. They mess with your head. They bully you. They are both delusional and psychotic. You only got two options now. Imagine how nice it would be to not go anywhere and then waiting in the corner just to beat you up. Take every single relationship you have and throw it down the drain. Every word they state is only one part of the big picture. What they haven’t realized is you only pushed yourself harder or so you think. No matter how hard you try they will always be better and no matter what you do they will know how to take you down, again and again, one step ahead. They mess with your head. First, it’s the shell. Then they get to your head with the holes they beat inside of you. Every single moment of your life was you fighting back. You wanted to fight back physically but it only made it worse for you. You couldn’t will yourself to hurt another, could you? I am only sitting in the very chair you will use to help satiate that one truth in your head. The one that you spent countless lifetimes trying to convince people it was alright. Trying to convince people nothing is happening. Trying to convince people... enough of that.

 I don’t see you speaking too much anymore. You’ve given up. Accepted life was just one task done over and over again. You live the next day. You don’t look for another but you manage that. You gave up lying to yourself. But you put that facade another day. And the next... and the next... I think you are done now. Once you lose that mask, the world will see you for who you are. Someone who will end up in the morgue the next day or the next. You are scared, aren’t you? You don’t want anyone to know how you are and how you feel. You keep lying. You know you messed up. Every single step you take. Every single person that you met. You messed up their lives as well now. You're in the doorway. Drop the mask and never find someone to love. Drop the mask and never feel anything. Drop the fucking mask, and you can’t go back. Drop that mask you won’t be you anymore. Drop the mask... I can’t anymore. Who are you and who is I. It’s the same person one and all. Is it time for you yet? Do you think you kept it in yourself long enough? Are you going to will yourself to walk life without any emotion? Stop crying. I hurt myself for far too long. This same voice is the one that helps you read. This same voice is the one that imagines for you. This same voice is who you are. If you do end up dying and no matter how sad you are, please live for another day. I understand how you feel. I beat myself constantly and hate myself. I only set motion everything that was part of the past and kept it replaying in my head again and again until it eats you out like a parasite. Now, look at you. Look at yourself. Fake smile. What’s next. Laughing is something that is real I guess. Fake, every single thing people know or think about you is fake. Because the moment you met them, you were lying. You aren’t happy and truthful and positive. That’s only what you wanted yourself to believe and them. You and I know that we both can’t keep doing this. I am going to sit down now. Going to cry a bit. Maybe take a couple of pills like I usually did and break my streak of pill sobriety. You weren’t happy. You won’t be. Every single thing that gets close only pushes them further away because of me. Your own head fighting it’s self. Your own mind. Your own thoughts and feelings. It kills you such as one getting stabbed. You never wanted to cut yourself because there wasn’t a point for it. I either hate myself to go full out or suffer longer but perhaps cutting myself was really alright to make sure I felt that pain of everyone I hurt and everyone I did wrong. Cutting is better than these pills meant for medication that you abused. I don’t know. You are tired every single moment of your life because I am here like a virus. It got to your thoughts and tries to get to your brain. You never wanted to turn out numb like this. You never wanted to show someone the truth of you. You are the ghost. You sit here watching life as a movie only here for the ride. The third installment for the diaries of a ghost beginning was to show what you really are to the world. You write these stories you convey how you feel and what you think and what you go through. I think it’s time soon. You have been like this for a long time. I think there are now only two answers for you now. Suffer or die.

Writer’s Note

I debated whether to release this or not because well it confirms it for some people and well for others it’s I think something they didn’t know. The fact that it did start questioning me for others was me noticing that they can tell I put on a mask or that “fake” in me. I don’t look for pity nor do I wish to be talked about constantly because I am the same person you have always known mask or not. I have been depressed for quite some time and this year has been the worst for me and the people around me. Depression is a lack of dopamine which causes a chain reaction effect leading into a lack of serotonin which is main mood regulator and then lack of oxytocin removed the love to certain things that you feel whether that be another or a memory or something of that sort. Perhaps you may know more than what I know if you took Psychology. Depression isn’t something where you are sad one day and happy the next and caused by life events unless you have Bipolar or Manic. It’s constant and prevalent in each person’s daily life. They choose how to get over that constant sadness with a distraction and this is something that can be good or bad. Pill popping, drugs, alcohol, self-harm. But there are always good ones as well, helping people was one I did for 3 years straight and it did help a little by accepting what was happening to me and using those feelings to help guide and promote other people to make them feel good. That feeling that you get from helping others did feel good. But like any other distraction, I don’t know if it’s me getting worse or the tolerance of it which led me to get worse is where it hit this year. This past couple of months led me to go get help after a close friend of mine urged me to go get help and I have been doing quite so. I think I don’t know where I would be without them and I know they are probably reading this and there is my sense of gratitude for them. I kept this a secret because I was afraid of people figuring out. I was afraid of what they will say and what will happen to me. I was afraid what their depiction of me to sort of state. Except for its high school year and in 2 more years college and that appals me. That is two more years, it’s only a short time. I am opening out like stated before I don’t want to be pitied, people who come out for anything and are pitied to make them feel good but I don’t need that. I am talking about this because for people who are like me, this is really to you. I have honestly no idea of what you went through and why you are like this. There can be so many reasons as to why you came out like that and I can’t signify or list the number of reasons and perhaps choose one in particular. If you think you can manage it, you can do so, but the moment you feel like it’s not working I highly advise you to get help. Or if you can’t manage it right now, people say this all the time but just talk to me in any way. Via text or in person if you know me. Even if you saw me or met me once I don’t care. I went online for a while, I have seen people around the world left and right and I help them out under a different persona of mine. I barely know half the people I talk to because that is the beauty and nature of the internet. Though talking online to random people if they are down is extremely risky so in hindsight, I don’t recommend it. In all, I did this for people to see me for who I am because I don’t want people to know me for my facade. I will still keep up the facade and over a couple of months and this might get better for me like how it has before. Now I guess I have said more than enough so I will leave this up to you. Just know that life doesn’t need to end so quick none the less of pain.  I thank you all for everything and since the intro trilogy is now done and one secret over I think we are good for another maintained release of story collections ;). Stay tuned.

[toosmallinabigworld-blog]

Just What the Doctor Prescribed, Literally

I’ve been wanting to do something like this for a really long time and it means the world to me that so many of you have read the blog and been supportive. Hearing from everyone that read my last post confirmed for me that starting this blog was a good idea. I received a lot of compliments and anecdotes from people telling me that they appreciated my candor and willingness to talk about issues that they hadn’t heard talked about or weren’t able to talk about themselves. So, thank you for reading. I was struggling for a very long time with writer’s block, I would start something and then immediately criticize it and not know how to continue. It felt like I was running full force into a brick wall. I think that happened because I was trying to write fiction. When I was a kid and in middle school, I could write fiction like nobody’s business. Now, I realized that I struggle with fiction because I can’t relate to it anymore. I don’t want to write about made up characters that deal with real life scenarios. I want to write about real people that deal with real scenarios. So, let’s chat about a real life thing, shall we?

           Mental illness. It’s a phrase that people spit out of their mouths like it’s rotten. A phrase that makes people uneasy and nervous, ironically. The real life equivalent of saying Voldemort. This is a topic I’m nervous to discuss because it is incredibly personal to me. And I have reservations about talking about my experience with this due to the controversy surrounding it. But I feel that it is important to talk about, regardless of how weary it makes me. Mental illness is no joke and if talking about this could potentially help someone then feeling anxiety about this is worth it. According to The National Institute of Mental Health, in 2016 it was found that nearly 1 in every 5 adults in the U.S. lives with a mental illness. If you’re bad at math like I am, that’s 44.7 MILLION people. Almost 45 million people in the U.S. have a mental illness and yet we still treat those people that are afflicted like lepers. Like they are lesser human beings than us because of something that they can’t control. Now, not everyone who has a mental illness is treated like shit. Because some are more accepted than others and by accepted, I mean acknowledged. Such as ADD and ADHD. Those are illnesses that are more commonly accepted because they are less scary to think about. I don’t know anyone who has thrown a bitch fit over someone that has a hard time sitting still, concentrating and overlooking things. They’ve gotten frustrated but not immediately assumed that they were unstable and broken. Let’s face it those are the easiest to wrap the mind around. But when things start to get complicated is when people tend to start getting judgmental and scared and hateful. And hate stems from fear. I can’t remember where I heard that but it’s pretty damn accurate. For example, I’ve heard those who have Schizophrenia blatantly referred to as crazy. And why are they called crazy? Because of Schizophrenia’s most popularized symptoms, delusions and hallucinations. We’ve all heard tales of people seeing animals or people, hearing voices that tell them to do horrific things and those are legitimate things that happen. But those are all we hear about. And because we don’t necessarily understand why that happens, we get scared and demonize them. Which is bullshit. If we immediately got scared of everything we didn’t understand nobody would ever leave their houses. I don’t understand how concrete is made but that doesn’t mean that I don’t walk on the sidewalk or get in a car and drive on the street. I would venture to say that Schizophrenia is probably the most controversial of the mental illnesses, but it is not alone in illnesses that make people uncomfortable. Take OCD for example, people just think it’s obsessive organizing and that it is a choice, something they can just stop doing. But it is infinitely more complicated than that. It’s uncontrollable thoughts and actions that they feel they have to repeat over and over again. And in extreme cases, they think something bad is going to happen if they don’t carry out those behaviors. People’s reactions to those illnesses are what facilitate such negative thought processes about hyper common maladies such as depression and anxiety.

           Nothing pisses me off more than hearing someone say to a person with depression, just be happy. When you have clinical depression you don’t get to choose to “just be happy” because guess what? It isn’t that easy, it’s out of your control entirely. Clinical depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. The brain isn’t producing enough serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine neurotransmitters. Causing feelings of sadness, hopelessness, lack of interest/motivation, guilt, low energy, etc. I could go on for pages and pages but at the risk of sounding like a commercial for an antidepressant I’ll stop. I think you get the point. I am one of those people who has been told to “just be happy”. I was diagnosed with depression coupled with seasonal affective disorder, anxiety, insomnia, and OCD like repetitive thoughts when I was in 6th grade. As if being 11 and in middle school wasn’t hard enough, let’s throw a mood disorder in the mix, that should be fine. Right? Wrong. Being told you have a mental illness is like waking up one morning and realizing you have a tattoo that you’ve never seen before. You don’t know how you got it, you’re scared that it’s there in the first place, anxious about what other people are going to think about it, it will never go away, and all you can do is take care of it and hope that it doesn’t get infected and fuck up everything else in your life. Depression can be immensely polarizing. I’ve heard a million and one people say that it gets better, but when your brain isn’t doing its job, it inadvertently convinces you that you are utterly and inconceivably alone. And it’s not a constant feeling either. It comes in waves, sometimes I can go for days without feeling like complete ass and sometimes I can go for days feeling like a dead slug. It’s not something you can predict. And it’s a difficult hole to try and dig yourself out of when you find yourself there. Now depression, just like people comes in all shapes and sizes. And most people’s experiences with it don’t mirror each other, and it’s that lack of sameness that breeds the loneliness that is so common in depressed people. I know all too well about that feeling of loneliness. I’m going to take you on a journey through what a bad day looks like for me, which will be really easy to do since I’m having a bad day today. When I wake up I don’t usually know right away that my brain has hit the off switch on functioning. The first indicator is this ever present feeling of heaviness. Like someone dipped my whole body in molasses. Getting out of bed is physically difficult and I don’t even want to. Because even something simple like walking is just fucking hard. My body aches and I feel like a zombie and in reality I probably look like one too. Next on the shit list is the mental fog. And it genuinely feels exactly like it sounds. I can’t think clearly or focus on things that aren’t generally mindless and easy. I isolate myself and even though I’m feeling lonely and sad, I don’t want to be around other people. And I have no desire to eat, I just lose my appetite all together.

           Anxiety does the same thing. I’ve been anxious, worried, and habitually stressed out for as long as I can remember. I’ve had teachers, friends, previous therapists, and even my parents call me a worrier. Which couldn’t be more accurate. I have a terrible habit of worrying about other people so much that I start to take on their problems. Stressing about my dad not having a girlfriend and hoping that he doesn’t end up dying alone. Worrying about my mom every time she gets sick, even if it’s just a cold. Taking on issues my friends are having with their families and trying to use my knowledge from many years of therapy to help them overcome their problems. Worrying and stressing that much can lead to panic. I remember the first time I had a panic attack, it was freshman year and I was in my 6th period Spanish class. Describing what a panic attack feels like is akin to trying to explain what the color red looks like. Especially because it’s subjective, no two people have the same experience. But because it’s important I’m going to do my best to explain. It feels like the world is crashing down on me for no particular reason. It’s terrifying. It legitimately feels like my skin is turning inside out. I get shaky, sweat like a whore in church, scared. It feels like I’m trapped in my own body and all I want to do is run away and hide. From myself. Panic attacks are something I still struggle with. They’ve decreased in prevalence since I found a medication regiment that works for me but even that doesn’t eradicate them completely. Most of the time I have no warning as to when one is going to happen. But there are some specific triggers, for example when I hear an unexpected loud bang or noise. I have PTSD and that sound sets off a fire in my brain that causes me to panic. Or when my stress level gets too high and I get overwhelmed. My mind doesn’t know whether to fight or flee so it gets stuck in the middle and I shut down. There is nothing that I know of that compares to that feeling. And when it’s over I’m left exhausted and weak. It fucking sucks. There’s no other way to say it. It fucking sucks.

           When I was first diagnosed, I was paralyzed at the thought of telling anyone that I have d&a (depression and anxiety, it’s getting annoying writing out the entire words). I was scared of being judged by my peers, and looked at like a freak, like I was different; even more different than I already felt. I didn’t want to get bitched at by everyone for being the emotionally broken girl, which is what I thought I was. I remember my first appointment with my psychiatrist, I was scared. I was adamant about not wanting to go on medication, but my parents thought otherwise. Which wasn’t a bad thing. In reality going on medication was the best thing that could have happened. Because I don’t know where I would be without it. I’ve had the discussion with multiple people about how I shouldn’t need to be on medication anymore. That I should be able to just learn how to deal with my depression and move on. But it isn’t that simple. Like I said before, depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. The medication helps rebalance me. But it isn’t an exact science. Since 6th grade I have been on 8 different medications, some of which I still take. Why so many you ask? It comes back to it not being an exact science. Sometimes the medication will work for a while and then just stop. Which, speaking from personal experience, is a bitch and a half. It’s so aggravating when you can feel that something isn’t right but should be. That being said, finding the right medication, or medications in my case can be immensely helpful. I’ve gone from regular panic attacks and depression so bad that you can’t complete simple tasks to what I refer to as, being at ground zero. Ground zero is a great place to be, no extreme highs and the absolute lowest of lows. Just level. There is no joy in the world that can compare to finally feeling normal when you’re used to feeling like your emotions are exploding.  

           I have been really lucky to have a family who completely supports me and is always there when I need them. And they understand when I’m having a shitty day and what that means. I have been spectacularly lucky to have that. Others have not been so lucky. And that breaks my heart. Nobody deserves to be looked down upon for something that they can’t control. It’s like getting mad at someone for the color of their eyes. They didn’t choose the color, genetics gave them that color. So, who are we to judge them for that? This post is jam packed with facts and personal testimonials and if you gain anything at all from it, I hope you gain some understanding and empathy. That the next time you see someone on the street talking to themselves or one of your friends is really sad or stressed out for no obvious reason. Don’t judge. Try to understand. Try and wrap your mind around the concept that their brain is, for lack of a better phrase, rebelling against them. You don’t choose to have a mental illness, just like you don’t choose to have legs. It’s what life has bestowed upon you. So, I challenge you to try and change your frame of mind, you may find it enlightening.  

[thereisnobearonthisisland-arc]

dnp’s glass closet

i really don’t have any desire to delve into what brought this on, but i had a thought and even though @moossage has heard me rant about it a bit, i feel like i need to elaborate a bit more. it’s gonna get a little long, so i’ll put it under a cut.

in this gloriously gay year, it seems evident now more than ever that dan and phil are a lot more comfortable putting the unedited versions of themselves on our screens.  the unadulterated affection that they have for one another has been becoming increasingly obvious, especially over the course of the last year.  they love each other, plain and simple.  we know this.  and they know we know this.  and we know that they know we know this.  this is the glass closet that we have been blessed with the opportunity to peer into during this fine twenty-gayteen.

but the thing about glass that i think we--and dnp--forget sometimes is that it’s a reflective surface.  have you ever walked down the sidewalk (or pavement) in the complete opposite direction of the sun?  the sun has its benefits.  as i write to you from one of the most overcast cities in the u.s., i can confirm that the sun has its benefits--primarily vitamin d, but it also has the ability to produce more serotonin in your brain than you would ever receive on an overcast day.  the sun can be a menace too, though--namely, because it makes it really fucking hard to see anything.  

but this post isn’t about the sun, not really.  it’s about reflective surfaces.  so, if you’ve ever been walking down the street in the opposite direction of the sun, have you ever walked by a car parked on the side of the road?  if you have, you’ve probably experienced the harsh glare of the sun behind you on the front windshield of the car.  and it seems just as blinding as it would be if you stared directly into the sun.  this sun, the sun you’re seeing on the windshield of the car ahead of you, is a reflection.  but it still has the power to be just as menacing.

the point is, if we are to take this idea that dan and phil are living in a glass closet with a grain of salt, it’s also important for us to remember that glass is a reflective surface.  and sometime reflections can scare the shit out of you.  even though it really seems like dnp are consciously portraying their relationship to us through a pane of glass, even though they’ve been making conscious decisions to keep bits in their videos that they would have edited out two years ago, even though they’re being much more openly affectionate with each other this year than we’ve seen probably since 2009/2010, we have to remember that they’re still human beings.

and human beings, without fail, are irrevocably and irrationally terrified of their own shadows.  human beings are irrevocably and irrationally terrified of their own reflections.  if you’ve never been spooked by your own reflection, you’re damn lucky.  but i just wanted to point out that even if dnp have made a conscious decision to be more open about their lives together, it’s still possible for them to be spooked by their own reflections in this glass closet they’ve built around themselves.

it’s 3am and my brain’s going a bit fuzzy at this point so i can’t really remember if i was going anywhere else with this or where that would be, but i’ll close with this: if you ever see dan or phil or both of them jumping back after something comes out that hints at their relationship more explicitly than either of them want to express themselves via their glass closet, try to remember that the closet is glass.  and that sometimes the glass reflects things that we may be purposefully trying to block out.  and that we can be scared by our own reflections.  and sometimes we need to hide away when we’re scared.  so, if you ever see dnp withdrawing, if it seems like they’re becoming more distant and that makes you sad, your feelings are valid.  but so are theirs.  and they’re doing their best, and i’m proud of them for being this open with us in the first place.

[ladymadsen]

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? The last person to tell me they loved me, was my best friend / soul sister, Emmi. She definitely means it, as do I, every day that I tell her the same recurring sentiment. 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

Absolutely freaking not. 

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

Umm . . . aggravated and happy. I know I’ve felt it. Most likely with my ex? 

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

I do that almost every day.

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

I mean, possibly, but I doubt it. Men aren’t exactly nipping at my heels these days.

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

Hahaha, yep. “Soap” by Melanie Martinez made me think of a friend of mine I’ve been talking to. 

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

A tight black turtle neck underneath a black dress with roses on it. Definitely channeling the Audrey Hepburn vibe today.

8. How often do you listen to music?

Every time I’m alone. Whether it’s in the car, or with headphones, I’m always listening to music. Melanie’s album, “Cry Baby” has been on repeat, as well as a few singles by Cigarettes After Sex.

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

Black jeans.

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2018?

God, I hope so. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing with my life, outside of trying to stay ahead of my depression, figuring out how to record my next album, and not dating people who just seem interested in sex.

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

Eh. Depends on the damn day.

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

Yup. Yup. Yup.

13. What about ‘R’?

Mhmm.

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

Barely.

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

Eh. Yeah, I guess. Depends on the person. If I care about them it’ll hurt more, but if I don’t, I’ve grown a thicker skin, so it doesn’t hurt as much. 16. Are you going out of town soon?

Planning on it. 17. When was the last time you cried?

During a movie I watched about a beautiful life I will probably never possess. 

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

Of course I have, what kind of question is this?  19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

No. My eye color matches my hair. 20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

Yes. My little brother William. 21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

I am completely uninterested and bored by the life I lead. 22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

Yes, because I don’t think men do that unless they are feeling an emotional attachment. In my experience, when my significant others have stopped doing this, I knew something was up. 23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

Nope. 24. What are you sitting on right now?

An office chair if you must know. 25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

My friend Emmi. 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

HAHAHA. Need I remind you of my unfortunate dating history? Next question. 27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

Greg. 28. Do you get a lot of colds?

Yes, I do. 29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

This turtle neck is from Target. 30. Does anyone hate you?

I hope so, otherwise I’m doing something wrong. 31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

Usually, but not since moving to Utah. Normally it’s empty wine bottles. 32. Do you like watching scary movies?

Yes I do. Ghost stories are my scary movie preference.  33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

Not particularly. 

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

As much as I would like to erase the past five years, I suppose living those years has made me a stronger, (or some other positive bull shit we tell ourselves). Whatever, I guess. No regrets.  35. Did you have a dream last night?

Yes I did. It was about Greg, actually. I also think my sister was in it, and I was drowning at some point. 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Like, “love”, love? Um. Not recently. 

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

Jesus, at the rate I’m going, probably not. I’ve pretty much lost all hope. If I am lucky enough for that to happen to me, I am eloping. 

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

I know one person does for sure, but there are two others that are sort of on the “meh” scale. One of the two, lives far away from me, and we have a history, but he can’t seem to cough out the words, “I love you” to save his life. The other man is emotionally unavailable, so rather uninterested at the moment. So, sure? Maybe? Obviously, my love life isn’t exactly fulfilling. 39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Perhaps, although I wouldn’t presume to think the thoughts are always good, or full of admiration. 

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

My day yesterday was “just a day”.  41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

I would hardly call the end of my former romantic interaction, a “relationship”. That would imply there was trust, love, and safety, to which there was absolutely none. So no. I guess I was in more of a deceitful, selfish, vicious cycle, with a man whom I once, at the very least, considered to be my friend; but who turned out to be nothing more than a dishonorable and scared little boy. 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

Yeah, probably. 43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Yes, and it turns out they were lying through their serotonin soaked tongue. 44. What’s the best part about school?

Becoming exposed to other perspectives and opinions. 45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

Was the author of these questions in their 40s?  46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

Of course I did. I used to stick handmade letters in people’s lockers. 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

Sometimes, but I noticed it was making me extremely anxious, so now I just let memories fade. What’s the point of recalling something that is just going to hurt you?  48. Were you single over the last summer?

If I had known better, I would have been. 49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? No. It’s better in some ways, worse in others. 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

Working.  51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

Eh. Hate is a strong word, but I’m rather unimpressed with him at the moment. 52. Are you nice to everyone? I try to be.  53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Yes. Three times. My ex husband, a former client, and my last boyfriend. 54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Yes. I do. I’ve done it. 55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

If I don’t want you to know something, you fucking absolutely will not know it. 56. Do you think you like someone? Skipping this question. 

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

Um, probably. Can you tell I’m really invested in remembering this info? 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

Girls. Boys just cause problems. They’re experts at blurry lines.

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

Too many, probably. 60. Do you hate anyone?

With how cynical I am being while answering these questions, would you honestly believe me if I said no? Of course, I do.  61. How’s your heart? It’s good, despite how I may feel about it lately. 62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

** skips question **

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

I prefer to think about the moments I burned their photographs and threw out their things. 

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

Most likely my parents, a few ex friends I’ve pissed off, my ex boyfriend, and my ex producer. Guess what, though? I could literally care less. 65. Are your toenails painted pink?

No, want to paint them? 66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

With my luck? Probably. 67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

Eh. Makes me sad, actually. I don’t like watching people cry. 68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

No, and if they have, I obviously don’t remember. 69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

No idea. 70. How do you look right now?

Annoyed by this stupid question. 71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

My friend Kelli is pretty wonderful, she lets me be myself apologetically.  72. Can you commit to one person?

Yeah, if someone would fucking let me.  73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

Nope. 74. Have you ever felt replaced?

Does my ex husband running off with a 19 year old twat, count? 

75. Did you wake up cranky?

I wake up sad.  76. Are you a jealous person?

Jealous, no. Motivated, sure. 77. Are relationships ever worth it?

THAT IS THE ULTIMATE QUESTION, ISN’T IT? 78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

My sister, and male “friends” who aren’t really interested in being my friend at all. 79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

Sure. The man in my brain that doesn’t actually exist in real life.  80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

Wake up.  81. Last person you cried in front of? A rather new acquaintance. I started crying when a certain song played, but I don’t think he noticed.  82. Is there someone you will never forget? A Thai female escort I met while working as a stripper in Los Angeles. She had the purest heart I had ever known. She was working so she could send money to her family. 83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

I highly doubt it. 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? Being held and feeling like I’m wanted / needed, would be a lovely change of pace.  85. Are you over your past? This questionnaire has proven that to NOT be the case. 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

Yup. This question is boring. Next. 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

Yeah, my friend Emmi. 88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? God, no fucking way. My first love was an absolute loser. I deserve way better. Same goes for my first boyfriend, and husband for that matter. No. Thanks. 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

** shrugs ** that is the most unlikely thing that could ever occur. 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

Oh, you mean my ex husband?  91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

GOD, RUB IT IN WHY DON’T YOU. 92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

Funny you should mention that . . . 93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

I’m sure I have. 

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going? Um, no. 95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

I was falling in love with him.  96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

Unfortunately.  97. Who do you have texts from?

Who do you have texts from? Snoop. 98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

“Big surprise, there! Have fun with that, and good luck!” 99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yes.  100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? Nobody. 101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

No. I doubt I ever will.  102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

Of course, but that feeling is few and far between these days.

[sabsayspeacelovebullshit]

Planet Z - Part Two

Middle School is The Worst. Add boobs, a larger than average waist line and a horrible haircut - I was already set up for failure. Add anxiety. Add depression. Add mind altering medication. I was not cut out for Middle School.

That first stint in the hospital was the first of a few. In between the emergency room visits were the doctors; all the ‘ologists to rule out anything “medical” because in the nineties it was still taboo to put mental health in the same bucket as everything else. I remember throwing a tennis ball down a hallway then having to catch it, not having any idea why, but being so scared to mess it up. If I did it would mean something was wrong, that much I did know. If I didn’t hear the beep through the headphones or raise the right hand, it meant something was not right. That I was not right.

Eventually, when I passed all of my tests and there was no medical bucket to put me in I got sent to the shrink. Then to a different one when the guy on the white couch, in the room with the white walls, with his notepad gave me the heeby-jeebs. I think there was one more after that. They all had notepads and they all talked too slow when they asked me the same questions.

What brings you in today?

     I don’t know.

How is school?

     Kids are mean. They call me fat. But I am fat.

     I get good grades though.

     And I do have friends.

How are things at home?

     Fine.

     My parents fight a lot.

     My mom tries too hard.

     I don’t think my dad loves me.

     My sisters are annoying.  

What happened that day on the bus?

     Nothing.

How do you feel?

     I don’t know.

Psychiatry has come a long way since then.

One bullshit session after another, eventually, the diagnosis came - Anxiety & Depression Disorder - and then the treatment plan - Paxil, which would be the first, but not last, SSRI of my life. I had no idea what any of that meant. I was thirteen, maybe fourteen. But everyone told me I would feel better. All I had to do is keep talking to the people with the pads and take my medication.

I wasn’t sure what they meant by “feel better.” Sure, I was sad a lot. There were days I didn’t want to get out of bed. But kids were mean and home sucked. Wouldn’t anyone be sad? How could they tell that the hamster wheel I was running in while feeling like the earth was falling from underneath me, was a feeling that was coming from my brain? Fight or flight was the term I’d eventually learn and [still] hold very near and dear to my heart. How did they know that I was “wired differently?”

My thirty-two year old self has so many questions. First and foremost being why, was the decision made, to put me on pills that would alter my brain chemistry, while it was still developing? Show me the test that told the doctors my “wires” were “short-circuited” and I needed Paxil to level set the dopamine, serotonin, and whatever else they were trying to fix that I don’t believe was ever actually broken.

I want to be clear that I am not anti-medication. There is a time and a place and a person that medication is right for, and I’m not here nor am I qualified to make that decision for anyone. These medications save lives. When the risk of being off of them is greater than the risk of being on them, then that is the defining moment - in. my. opinion.

Then there are circumstances like mine, when kids were mean and home fucking sucked. I didn’t need Paxil. I needed coping skills, and maybe a hug. And I needed those things before I ever took my first pill because then it was too late.

Middle School is The Worst. Middle School when your brain is trying to adjust to scientifically modified chemicals is hell.

The handful of severe panic attacks that had gotten me to this point turned into smaller but still significant, almost daily panic attacks after starting my meds. I was more anxious than I’d ever been and couldn’t stop shaking (side effects 101). There were meetings with the school nurse to go over my “situation” and a game plan we’d follow if and when I needed to spend time in her office until the attacks subsided. I spent a lot of time in the nurses office.

I managed to make the best out of it with snacks and a friend; another girl who also spent a lot of time in there. She had diabetes and we’d share crackers over conversation. All the while I’d be questioning why I was there when she was the one who was actually sick. Sometimes I’d nap. Sometimes I’d cry. Sometimes I’d breathe into a paper bag. In that room one thing was certain: I could avoid everything happening outside of it. I felt safe in the nurses office.

It didn’t take long before kids started adding “crazy” to the list of names. I would get on the bus and hear from the back, where I once sat, “Uh oh crazy just got on” and variations of “be careful, she’s crazy,” “fat and crazy.” So for a long time, I sat in the front of the bus, which, if you ever rode the bus to school, you know the front was reserved for the socially awkward - they were called “losers” then. When I finally made it to school the hallways were filled with whispers and stares. Every day it felt like the walls of those hallways were swallowing me whole. At that point, I wanted them to.

I think that’s the point in my life when I found my sense of humor. I realized that if I made the jokes first, they couldn’t hurt me. Not the kids at school, not my family, not anyone. And if I was laughing, then I was happy, and the meds were working, and I was better.

Right?

To be continued…

Xox PLB

[scarletrebel]

just feelin a bit sad today

took a friend to the same doctors where i got on medication for my depression because they’d booked an appointment for their own mental health

and walking past my old flat and towards the uni ive dropped out of, (accidentally) listening to the same music that i listened to at 4am when i couldnt sleep and my whole body was paralysed and my mind was white noise just

ooh boy it set my anxiety off somethin fierce 

so now im just. sad. like, this weight has come down on my shoulders and its all too familiar and im a little bit scared shitless i might be relapsing even after all the shit i said last week about being in a better place which i AM my brain is just fucking me over by not producing serotonin because im a chemically imbalanced disaster tbh

[katiasstories]

MDMA-Zing

The thought of Stevie lingered in his head, leaving him in a temporary daze.

The bouncer, Mike, nodded his head and gave Emilio a small nudge. The abrupt tap on his shoulder suddenly made him snap out of his dreamy mental state.

Emilio glanced at Mike and retorted with a forced grin, quickly catching a glimpse of his own reflection through the venue’s front windows. He looked down rapidly–avoiding it at all costs–and stepped right in.

Two pills rested in his pocket as he entered the abandoned warehouse on West 12th St in Oakland that Wednesday. At this point, all the bouncers and PLUR Angels–the equivalent of the venue’s babysitters–had known him by name.

He had been double dosing, redosing, and dumping MDMA in his water every weekend for the past few months. Emilio simply could not get enough. The more he took, the more unreal his world became. He constantly found himself stepping into a fantasy land: A world he only envisioned in his most ludicrous of day-dreams.

Nothing could make him feel like that first time, though. It was starting to feel routine: Looking for that high that made him feel truly loved.

His brain was like a balloon. Someone–himself–had been pushing and pumping air into his brain, every single weekend. And on several occasions, multiple times throughout the weekend. At first, the inflating balloon was unnoticeable. Easy to ignore. But as his serotonin system became more and more disturbed and altered as the weeks drew by, the balloon was quickly growing. Now, as he stood in a room full of familiar faces, Emilio never felt so alone.

He felt an immense pressure building up inside his head. The balloon was about to pop.

He sighed as he twisted his favorite bracelet around his bony wrist. It was kandi–jewelry handmade with beads, popular in the rave scene. Stevie had given it to him at his first event. It read, “Peace. Love. Unity. Respect.”–A once comfortable reminder.

Emilio dug his hand into his right pocket, looking for the pills. The once beautiful, shining capsules now looked dull and lifeless to him.

Before popping one into his mouth, Emilio rested his eyes on the scene that played out before him. People were smiling from ear-to-ear. Some were gripping each other in overly tight hugs, and others were jumping up and down or dancing like they had just discovered music. There was not one frown displayed in the whole entire room, something Emilio had always loved about the scene.

The feeling of love was the farthest from the truth at this moment. These people were his friends, and they never looked so fake. They looked like robots who were programmed to be happy. It made him cringe.

Perhaps the balloon had popped when Emilio muttered. “Fuck this.”

He grabbed his second pill, and without a second thought, crushed both capsules in his hands. The bitter crystals stuck to his clammy palms. His heart fell when he realized any one of his friends would pay him at least twenty dollars to lick his sweaty, dirty hands.

His brain was at a loss for words. Without the balloon, it was now a blank notebook page–completely empty. Unfortunately, Emilio had no idea what to write. Maybe, “What the fuck am I doing?”

Tears escaped and rolled down his pale face. He could immediately feel a change in the room, the positive vibrations of the room altering. His sadness had come out, peaked its head in, and loudly said hello. His heartache and newfound realization had disrupted the whole scene, and everyone could feel it.

Stevie, Emilio’s beautiful drug dealer, came running up to him. Through his sad, sober eyes, Stevie still looked stunning. The flashing, colorful lights that gleamed around his face made his cheekbones pop. His perfectly groomed eyebrows were furrowed in worry, and the smile on his full lips disappeared as his huge pupils gazed in surprise at Emilio’s tears.

Seeing Stevie made the tears run faster. These thoughts finally hit him at once: What if Stevie didn’t love him? What if it was all fake? Knowing his friends might as well be strangers hurt. But the thought of Stevie being just as fake was more distressing.

“Let’s go outside.” Stevie leaned in and spoke softly into Emilio’s ear, grabbing his clammy hand littered in crystals.

Emilio did not object. In fact, his cold heart warmed. Maybe Stevie actually cares rang through his thoughts.

The cold air hit him like a bullet, and the warmness quickly evanesced. He wasn’t used to this–this feeling of darkness. Stepping outside to take a cigarette break had always been a happy and cheery adventure for Emilio and his friends. Instead of this warm adventure awaiting him, the persisting smoke made him feel as if he were now stuck in an eerie fogbank.

“What’s wrong?” asked Stevie, oblivious to the cold air and suffocating smoke.

Emilio hesitated, a feeling of discomfort arising. The confidence that MDMA had always given him was utterly and completely absent. He felt drained, and tried his hardest to cling on to what little happy chemicals his mind was producing.

It was always about the happy chemicals when it came to Emilio and his problems. He didn’t want to look past science, so he found solace in convincing himself he had a theorized “chemical imbalance.”

“I just…I can’t.” Emilio stammered, at loss for words.

Without a second thought, he grabbed his favorite kandi. “Peace. Love. Unity. Respect.” was engraved on the colorful beads. He took off the bracelet and placed it over Stevie’s hand. It looked perfect on his wrist. Not loose, like on Emilio.

“You wanna trade or something?” asked Stevie, puzzled to see his old piece of kandi back on his wrist.

“No.” said Emilio, sternly.

Stevie paused. His confusion immediately took a turn for the worst when he snapped, “Then what the fuck is this about?”

Emilio had never heard this tone of voice come out of Stevie’s angelic mouth. It scared him.

“This whole scene…my friends. They’re all fake…” Emilio blurted, trailing off.

Stevie looked offended.

“These last couple of months the scene has shown you nothing but love. What the hell is wrong with you, saying shit like this?” He responded, pulling out a Newport.

Stevie lit the cigarette and took a long drag. He looked like a dragon in his neon green shirt, exhaling smoke harshly from his nostrils.

“I’m not hating on the scene.” Emilio continued,“I’m hating on the fact that without the drugs, the scene would be dead.” He fanned away the smoke, eyes unable to reach Stevie’s.

He wanted to choke.

“So you think I’m fake?”

Emilio hesitated, unsure of how to structure his words. He wanted to blurt out, “No, I love you” but it wouldn’t come out.

“Maybe. I honestly don’t know.”

Stevie sighed deeply, dropping his barely-smoked cigarette on the concrete floor. He crushed it with his foot.

“Before I leave, I wanna say this.” Stevie looked directly into Emilio’s eyes. “You’re blaming everything on a drug because you won’t hold up a fucking mirror. It’s sad. This isn’t about the drugs–have you never seen sober ravers?! Jesus. Take a look around you…and then at yourself.”

With that said, Stevie walked away, leaving behind a trail of uncertainty.

His words rang in Emilio’s ears.

He sighed, slowly falling to the chilly floor. He crossed his legs and decided to take a part of Stevie’s advice.

He looked around.

All he could hear was laughter, and bits and pieces of absurd conversations. So much laughter. The laughter hurt his ears, stung his eyes.

His head hurt so goddamn much. It was throbbing. He felt as if his heart had traveled up to his brain, now furiously pumping against his head. His ears rang with every pump–lub dub.

Lub dub. Lub dub. Lub dub.

With his head buried in his hands, Emilio silently wept. It wasn’t about the fake friendships anymore. This physically hurt.

He started to heat up despite the forty degree weather. Beads of sweat rolled down his forehead, stood above his upper lip.

Emilio took a deep breath in.

In, and out. In, and out.

He stood up, stopping dead in his tracks at the sight of his own reflection through the dirty, glass window. His eyes were bugged out yet deeply sunken in. He had been up for two days and it showed. His misery was just as evident. His eyes were puffy, mouth slightly ajar as if ready to yell for help.

Have I always been this ugly?

Stevie had held up the mirror. He was right.

He then turned to glance at his bony, naked wrist. Stevie was no longer with him.

He thought he would feel better giving the kandi back to Stevie, but at this moment his wrist felt as empty as the deflated balloon, trapped inside his skull.

[mumblsinhissleep-blog]

The Fruit Fix

About a year and some months back I reached a low point in my life. I left my job of 6 years after feeling stagnated and under appreciated. My music career was totally stifled and I felt like nobody cared about my art. I abandoned my healthy plant based diet, ate whatever the fuck I wanted and entered a full on alcoholic depression. I’m talking about breakfast beers on an empty stomach, being the first guy at happy hour, then waiting for the day to start over so I could do it again. It was rough.

One day, after making shitty, non-focused music for 6 hours, I went out for beers and dinner. My sandwich was delicious but I started getting violent hiccups and gnarly heartburn. It was very strange. I went to my girlfriends house and tried to sleep it off but my stomach wouldn’t let me sleep. No healthcare, so I called my cousin who works at Kaiser and she got me an out of pocket appointment. $200 for an asshole in a Hawaiian shirt to pat me on my back a couple times and tell me to stop drinking for awhile. No drunk wants to hear this, but it was good advice. I listened. For a bit.

I started to feel better, but my yearly pilgrimage to Tijuana for the fabled Tequila Expo was right around the corner. (I highly recommend you check it out before you die. If you’re into that stuff.)

“Should I go and drink myself stupid if I just got over this mystery ailment?. YES I FUCKING SHOULD. I deserve it”.

I went hard for 4 nights and was awoken on the last day of the trip by an excruciating pulsation in my abdomen. It was terrible. My cousin’s husband is a doctor, came to the Tequila Expo, was very upset that I didn’t tell him about it before we partied. He said I probably had pancreatitis and I needed to get some blood work. I had also noticed my stool was super oily and I knew something was very wrong. After a couple weeks of stomach pain, back pain when I ate, and scraping together bar tips, I got a test done on my pancreatic enzymes. The results were humbling.

One of the 4 enzymes our pancreas creates and shoots into our stomach while eating is called Lipase, and it helps to break down and digest fat. Any and all, good or bad, fat is IMPORTANT. It turns out my lipase level was almost non-existent. I had essentially burned a portion of my pancreas with a monsoon of alcohol and shitty fatty foods (aka Acidosis), and because of it, I couldn’t digest my food properly. I found out through a ton of research that I likely had chronic pancreatitis and EPI (Exocrine Pancreatic Insufficiency). Western medicine deems it irreversible. All signs pointed to FUCKED.

Google had me convinced my life as I knew it was over. I was losing weight at an alarming rate because my body was essentially eating all of the fat off of itself. I was in chronic pain every day and was having a very hard time not drinking to numb it. I was legitimately scared for my life for the first time. I got so skinny in just 4 months that my mom started crying when she saw me.I didn’t want to do shit, my relationship with my girlfriend started to suffer, I was resentful, and deep down I knew it wasn’t anybody’s fault but my own.

I signed up for Medi-Cal (free health care for broke people) and found a doctor here in Oakland. She was utterly clueless and was of no help. Drowning in frustration, I decided that I could either give up and wait to die, or strap on a set of balls and do what I could to clean out my body and AT LEAST ease some of the pain.

This is when I discovered a whole different world. The natural healing of the human body. The shit NOBODY in PHARMA or your fucking moron doctor, who gets a bonus every time he gives out a flu shot, wants you to know.

The world of FRUIT, JUICE, HERBS, and FASTING.

FAST FORWARD: I have since regenerated and restored my pancreas. Not 100% but it is making lipase again and my digestion is WAY BETTER. I still have a long way to go but I’m so hopeful and grateful to not be in a state of perpetual sadness anymore.

The rest of this piece will simply be a recap of how I got well, and my hope is that you can take some information and better your health. You don’t have to go as hardcore as I did, but I promise these changes will impact your life greatly, bring back your vitality, and ensure your life is long and healthy.

1: FRUIT, DIET, WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT ALL MEAN? WHO DO YOU BELIEVE?

First off, all of the information I’m going to give you is already out there. Its hidden, and protected by the medical world, but you can find it. There are so many resources and wonderful people trying to help others. (Look up Dr. Robert Morse, Dr. Sebi’s Food List, Arnold Ehret, The Grape Cure by Johanna Brendt etc…..Youtube is your friend!) You just have to seek them out and stop listening to the talking heads on TV. (You can listen to the band Talking Heads, they’re excellent.) I’m not gonna worry about citing sources because frankly, I want you to research this shit yourself and activate the part of your brain dedicated to seeking out HELPFUL information. Not a fucking celebrity’s net worth. Or the score of some sporting event. I also don’t care if you believe me. I DID THIS SHIT. IT WORKED. IT WAS HARD, BUT IT FUCKING WORKED.

Why fruit? Fruit is delicious and abundant. Whoever you believe designed this world, designed fruit to be our best friend. It grows on trees. You can just grab it. They’re bright and come in all kinds of cool and crazy colors. This why humans have color vision. Our ancestors had to evolve and identify which ones were ripe and consumable.You can’t miss them. It is the best source of direct energy, an extraordinary cleanser of your body and extremely important to your lymphatic system AKA your waste management. Your lymph system is astonishingly long and amazingly efficient, but it’s not invincible. If your lymphatic system gets backed up and isn’t flowing correctly, you are fucked. If the garbage can’t be taken out, it starts stacking up. If it stacks up high enough, it becomes apart of you. This is where “disease” manifests. Your diet. The shit you put inside you. If you have a healthy fruit intake, your lymphatic system can flow like a powerful river and you won’t have any problems. Fruit is not a snack. It’s a god damned life force. Veggies, nuts, and seeds are also important parts of our diet but the focus of this essay is to help people with ailments who need to detox quickly and efficiently. Veggies are great but they can be hard on your digestive system so its best to avoid them while healing/detoxing.

What about sugar? Isn’t there too much in fruit? Fuck no. That’s misinformation for the masses. Fruit sugar is the best thing you could possibly ingest and is the most digestible thing known to humans. Your body doesn’t even have to convert it. Chemically speaking, it is made up of exactly what humans are made of. Carbon, hydrogen, oxygen. It IS us. Now, if you eat 47 plums YOU WILL SHIT YOUR PANTS. There is such a thing as too much fruit AT ONE TIME. You will know. Figure it out. Stop eating until your full. Eat until you feel energized.

PS: There’s also a system for combining the foods you eat properly, based on how long it takes for certain things to digest. For example melons digest extremely fast so its best to eat it alone, whereas nuts and seeds can take 4–5 hours to digest. Look it up, it can help you avoid getting gassy and bloated.

2: COOKED FOOD

We are the only species who cooks their food. Yes, cooked food is great and tasty and all things wonderful BUT when you cook food, you destroy digestive enzymes, nutrients, and minerals. This can back up your colon, which is responsible for all of your nutrient absorption. So, if you don’t balance your diet with RAW foods, which are easily digestible, you can create problems. If you feel sluggish, overweight, tired, bloated, depressed, or helpless, RESET the balance of cooked food and raw food in your life. Eat only fruits and veggies for a couple days. See how you feel.

THINGS THAT STICK TO YOUR INSIDES: BREAD, GLUTEN, CHEESE, MEAT.

You’re not fat, you just eat a lot of things that stick around in your gut and colon.

3: JUICE

If you have $400 to invest your health, BUY A FUCKING JUICER. Eating the fruit is great, but juicing is where it’s at. The idea of juicing is to give your digestive system a break so your body can tend to everything it needs to fix inside itself.The juice requires minimal effort from your body to process, but provides all the nutrients and hydration you need to sustain a good energy level. The less your body has to digest, the less it has to work. The less it has to work, the longer you’ll live. Simple as that. We eat too much in this country and that’s why many people are overweight, sick, and unable to help themselves.

I know it sounds expensive but please hear me out. How many hundreds of dollars do you spend on alcohol, material items, and decadent but ultimately hurtful food? Probably more than $400. If not, good for you, but don’t be dishonest with yourself. This is about being accountable for your health. Invest in your betterment. Now. Not after you get sick. Trust me.

Fresh juice is the best possible breakfast you can make yourself. Replace your coffee routine with a juice routine. Coffee and caffeine are artificial energy sources that will hurt you in the long run. They are horrible for digestion. That’s why you shit so violently when you drink it. Your body hates it. It’ll fuck up your kidneys, adrenal glands, and can permanently damage your ability to naturally produce serotonin. (Serotonin is like the ONLY free drug. Don’t fuck that up.) Juice will wake your ass up for real.

What kind of juicer you ask? This is important. You want a SLOW, MASTICATING juicer. This means it uses pure natural pressure to physically squeeze the juice out and separate the fiber. Most juicers sold in stores (Breville, I’m looking at you) or in juice bars are BLADED and use heat to SHRED the fruit. This is no good. It damages the molecular structure YADDA YADDA IT SUCKS and it damages the nutrients! This defeats the whole damn purpose.These cheap ass juicers are wack. You get what you pay for. SLOW MASTICATING is what you want. Mine is made by Hurom and it is an absolute horse. I’ve used it three to four times a day for a year now. Look online, shop around, and pick the one that works for you.

BEST FRUIT TO JUICE

Anything with high water content and seeds (See Dr. Sebi info about seeded fruits)

Grapes (Seeded). I did a 20 day grape juice only fast and holy fuck did it clean my colon out.

Melons (Watermelon especially! Cantaloupe too.)

Key Limes (seeded) with ginger (!)

Apples

Anything else with high juice content!

If you can’t get a juicer then go for smoothies, but avoid almond milk or any other fillers. Yes these things are delicious but they obstruct the work of the fruit.

4: HERBS

There are plants and roots on this planet that have amazing healing properties because of their nutrient and mineral content. I advise you to look into this for yourself but here is a list of herbs I have used to speed up my recovery, cleanse my blood, and help my body repair itself. I’ll also list where I typically purchase them.

Seamoss aka Irish Moss (94 of 102 minerals our bodies need) https://alkalineveganshop.com/

Burdock Root (Blood, Lymph Cleaner) (Available online or at health food stores, Sprouts)

Black Sarsparilla (Iron content off the charts!)

Dandelion Root (Liver) (Available online or at health food stores, Sprouts)

GI Broom (Potent colon cleanser, 16 ingredients, scrubs out and soothes GI tract, https://www.drmorsesherbalhealthclub.com/

5: WATER

There’s a lot of hype about water and staying hydrated. Now, drinking water is great. Water comprises 60% of our bodies. The problem is that companies like Nestle (etc.) have privatized drinking water and created a plastic-ridden market and nobody knows which water is actually acceptable to buy.

The truth is that water doesn’t really hydrate you. Electrolytes do. Water is great for flushing out our bodies and keeping things moving but the electrolytes we need are mostly found in fruit, sea salt, and other food sources. Most of the water sold to us doesn’t contain natural electrolytes, just synthetic ones that our body can’t absorb. BOTTLED? ALKALINE? DISTILLED? TAP? (FUCK NO) PLASTIC? SINGLE USE?

Fuck it all. Eat your water. Eat more fruit. Thirsty? Eat a piece of fruit. Keep that shit stocked. Keep them thangs on you.

(If your going to buy water, I suggest natural spring water in a glass container)

HOW TO SHOP

Go to different stores than you normally would. Support family owned produce markets. Latin and Central american markets have fire produce. Asian markets too. Safeway does not. Major chains typically have lackluster produce with hella pesticides even though they’re labeled organic. FARMERS MARKETS! Look for wild exotic shit. How many bars have you gone to? 300 million. Seek out dope fruit spots too. Don’t cheap out on your health. It’s all you really have. So many people are getting sick. Between the food, the phones, the pollutants, free-flowing chemicals etc…we need to push back in some way. At least we can control what we eat.

Washing Fruit:

I use a 10% vinegar, 90% water mix with a table spoon of baking soda to wash my fruits. Anything with an edible skin needs to be washed, regardless if its organic.

6: FASTING

I am not a doctor. You should research THE FUCK out of this before you try it, but trust me when I tell you that FASTING is the best medicine for you and is an ANCIENT practice.

There are many types of fasting, some of them popular in mainstream society. I use a technique called “dry fasting” which involves no eating or drinking for long periods of time. It has helped me immensely, with my record being 80 hours. These fasts are like hard resets for your body, and I was able to eliminate chronic pain and regenerate cells that were long fucked off. Think of it as putting your phone on the charger and leaving it to charge, undisturbed. Your body has the ability to heal itself, if you give it proper rest time. Sometimes I eat fruit or drink juice for 6–8 hours and then dry fast for the remaining 16–18 hours. Look into it and be very careful. You can’t jump into shit like this. Typically, you want to eat raw foods for a month, juice only for a couple weeks then implement the fasting. You can damage your body if you break a fast in the wrong way or go too long. It is a powerful practice not to be taken lightly.

THE END: In summation, try to eat more raw foods/fruits, buy a juicer if you can, and let’s stop being an idiotic, sick population of people who buy what we’re sold, and die from very avoidable health problems.

[monsieur-darling-blog]

Mathew on Medicine

I started taking Zoloft in the summer of 2016, after a bad breakup. This magical pill was supposed to help me cope with the serious bouts of anxiety I felt when driving along I-440 in Nashville, as well as get rid of any signs of depression that I was feeling at the time. It was my first time taking medication that was prescribed (obviously I got through college inhaling as much Adderall as I could get my dirty, nail bitten hands on) and I thought, “What the hell?” I wanted to get rid of my anxiety and my depression, although I hadn’t thought that I actually suffered from either of those things until my doctor was writing my RX.

For the first week, the pill did absolutely nothing. I still felt like the bitch in the Mercedes in front of me was going to stomp on her breaks and we’d collide. I still sat in my room, reading sad stories by Sylvia Plath, tears flowing. I checked my Grindr account, looking for someone to cuddle with, just to forget about that sinking feeling I felt in my stomach late at night, whenever I was alone.

But then week two hit and the Zoloft started working. This drug was FUCKING AWESOME, I’d scream to anyone who’d listen. My brain literally hummed like a computer being turned on. I felt extremely happy at all times, even when I shouldn’t. I saw my ex with another dude and smiled. NO FUCKS GIVEN! Haha. When one of my family members checked into rehab, it bounced off of me like a toy ball. THAT’S TOO BAD, ANYWAY LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY DAY! I felt like a superhero, except my super power was radiating complete elation that verged on mania.

When I disclosed those intense feelings to my doctor, she recommended taking a heavy mood stabilizer that would knock me out. I told her that I didn’t want to become a zombie, that the only reason why I was acting so crazy was because I had never felt this happy before. I could handle it! What did she know?! She only went to college for 12 years!!! She left the decision up to me: I could fill the prescription if I wanted, and she highly, highly recommended it. I never did.

And so, every morning at 9 a.m. I took my medication, let the warm fuzzy feeling grow in my brain, and walked around like the sun was perpetually shining (and hey, it was Nashville in the summer time, so the majority of the time, it was.) I’m not sure if my friends could notice the change in my mood, and I didn’t care if they could. That would become the most destructive part of the prescription: I stopped caring.

One of the side effects of Zoloft is a decreased libido. I don’t know what’s wrong with my serotonin levels, but the medication had the opposite effect. In my depression, sex was one of the last things I wanted to do. I wanted to be close with someone but skip the part where we got naked. Once the medication started to work, I decided to share my most private parts with the entire world. I became a slut. Now, I was using Grindr for its intended purpose: casual sex.

In three months, I had more sexual partners than I had in my entire life. When it started, I kept my standards high, sleeping only with the people I was physically attracted to: The short guy who slept with his socks on, the bartender I had had a crush on for four years, the hot guy I met at the bar a couple weeks ago and talked about NYC with. But once I went through all the good looking ones, I lowered my standards and started hanging out with seedy men, becoming one of them myself. On Thanksgiving, I met up with a 20-year-old in a hotel at 4 in the morning. We spent an hour talking before removing our clothes. It was my last ditch attempt at staying the person I always believed I was (prudish, in control, etc.) But then in December, I gave a blow job in the bathroom of a dirty bar and to this day, I still don’t know his name. I had never been the hoe in my friend group. It was like living a double life. I hit the lowest of my personal lows when I slept with two men in one day, one random person before I went to work, and one after work, a lawyer, in his office, who I will never speak to again. The shame that spread through my body as I turned the shower to the hottest it would go was unlike anything I felt before. I felt dirty. Gross. A whore without the cash.

And suddenly my magical friend Zoloft became an enemy. It changed me into someone I didn’t recognize or want to be. I wasn’t a happy person before, and while it felt great to numb underlying issues for a couple of months, it created a slew of other issues. I started to become obsessively concerned about my health. I went to the doctors every other week to get an STD test, even though I was generally careful and showed no symptoms. I worked out every day because of the excessive energy shooting through my bloodstream. Even worse was when it ravaged my stomach (which it did frequently) and I almost shit my pants on the dance floor of a crowded gay club. That was a close call. I told my doctor I didn’t want to be numb when she first prescribed Zoloft. Because I was buzzing so hard, I didn’t think that I had become that, but when I think about that time in my life subjectively, I had. Wake up, medicate, fuck someone, work, gym, bed, repeat. Try not to shit yourself. That was the routine. Every. Single. Day.

I detached myself from that blissful but fabricated feeling in the new year, and focused on moving to New York. I stopped sleeping around and picked up a pen and started to write, using my new found ambition and lack of inhibition to write stories instead of sleeping with people. I am glad I stayed on Zoloft while I remained in Nashville, as it kept me happy even after those dark days of being a skank. But once I came to New York, I let my prescription die out and haven’t taken it since.

I thought I would experience side effects coming off the medication but I was lucky and did not. When I first decided to stop taking it, my doctor told me it was a bad idea. She warned me that I might experience prolonged zaps to my brain, almost like electric shock. While that scared the shit out of me, I never experienced that. She also thought I would become suicidial. So far, that hasn’t happened either.

I was a little more agitated than usual during the first two weeks coming off. Slow walkers were my main target. I’d shout, “HURRY THE FUCK UP” through gritted teeth and prance past them, blushing furiously from my lack of verbal control. But now, I am the happiest I’ve ever been. A lot of that is because of New York. The city, as I’m sure you’ve been told, is so energetic, I get high just walking through Union Square and seeing the hustle and bustle of tourists snapping pics of the skyline. And this is how I self-medicate now: I take myself to new places and walk around. Exploration has become my mediation.

I’m not writing this to tell you how to live your life if you’re suffering from depression and anxiety. I know plenty of people who need medicine in order to function, and have zero judgement against them. I think my doctor might’ve been too quick to start prescribing me anything, though, and didn’t really care when I informed her that I was turning into a crazy person with IBS. But the biggest lesson I learned from those months was to deal with problems as they come, instead of burying them, way the fuck down, inside myself. It’ll save a lot of time, and hopefully you won’t find yourselves on your knees on a piss-soaked bathroom floor with a dick in your mouth.