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blackhakumen · 3 years

Text

Mini Fanfic #952: Morning Training Routine (Super Smash Bros Ultimate)

8:32 a.m. At the Smash Mansion's Living Room........

Chun-Li: How are you feeling this morning, Fox?

Fox: (Stretches his Arms) Pretty good all things considered. (Bend Down and Starts Stretching his Legs) I managed to get an early sleep last night so I wouldn't get myself tired too easily.

Chun-Li: That's good. You're gonna need to be in top shape throughout today's training routine.

Fox: Is it gonna be the same as the one we had the other day?

Chun-Li: For the most part. Since the last session we did was a tad bit mellowed out for my liking, I think we should try taking it up a notch and see where it goes from there. (Raised an Eyebrow) IF you're up for it that is.....

Fox: (Salutes to Chun-Li While Giving er a Determined Look on his Face) I'm ready for anything you got for me, ma'am!

Chun-Li: (Happily Nodded) That's the spirit. Now let's get started!

Once Chun-Li takes a bite off of her energy bar, the training routine begins!

...........................................................

8:40 a.m. at the Smash Workout Gym.....

Fox does a few minutes jump rope while Chun-Li encourages him to go faster in a mid distance.

Chun-Li: Quick Feet, Fox! Quick Feet!

As ordered, Fox starts skipping rope a lot more quicker than before.

...................................................

Chun-Li: Hit 'em, Fox! Hit 'em!

Chun-Li uses her punching mitts to let Fox land a few hits on them while occasionally dodging some of his punches and kicks at the same time.

Chun-Li: That's it.

..................................................

Fox does a few push-ups with one arm behind his back. All while Chun-Li monitors him in the background.

Chun-Li: (Notices Fox is Starting to Struggle) Push it out, Foxy! C'mon! Push it out!

...............................................

Chun-Li holds Fox's feet down as he gruntingly does his damndest to do a few more sit-ups.

Chun-Li: Don't you dare tap out on me just yet, Fox McCloud! I know you can do this!

...........................................

9:43 a.m. in the Sidewalks of Smash Town........

Chun-Li: (Turns to See Fox Running Behind her as She Rides Across the Town on a Blue Moped) Keep it up, Fox! You can do it! Keep putting your leg muscle into it!!

Doc Louis: (Watches the Duo on the Other Side of the Town Along with Little Mac) Well, would ya look that? (Playfully Bumps Mac's Shoulder with His) This bring back a lot of memories, now does it?

Mac: Yeah. Still can't believe I made it this far in my boxing career....(Turns to Doc With a Smile) I have you to thank for that.

Doc: (Smiles Back While Flinging his Hand a Little) Nah. There's no need to thank me, kid. Im just glad I was able to help achieve your dreams to begin with. Besides, if we never met back in Brooklyn....(Pulls out a Chocolate Bar From his Pants Pocket) My love for chocolate bars would've died out a loooooong time ago. (Takes a Bite out of the Chocolate Bar

Mac: You giving up eating chocolate? (Starts Snickering a Little) That'll be a shock.

Doc: (Glares at Mac While Still Eating his Chocolate) Don't test me now, boy. Mm. I can stop eating it anytime I want!....It just ain't gonna be today. (Laughs Wholeheartedly Before Taking Another Bite of the Bar)

Mac: (Sighs While Rolling his Eyes) Forget I say anything.....

Meanwhile Outside of La Shy Guy's Cafè............

Chun-Li: (Writing a Few Things Down on her Notepad) Okay. Other than a few minor hiccups we need to work on in the future.....(Looks Back Up to Fox With a Brght, Proud Smile on Her Face) I think you've improved immensely this time around.

Fox: (Starts Catching his Breath From all of the Running He Did Earlier) I ('Pants') made ('Pants')....a few progress? ('Pants') Cool. ('Pants') Great. ('Pants') Proud of myself right now! (Sighs in Complete Relief as He Wipes the Sweat Off his Forehead) Break at last......

Chun-Li: I know they can get tiring at times, but I can assure you that this will benefit you greatly in your future fights. (Starts Frowning a Little in Concern) B-But seriously though. I'm not working you too hard, am I?

Fox: (Flings his Hand Up a Little) Nah. Don't worry about it. (Takes a Sip of his Bottle of Water Before Putting it Down on the Table) You're doing a good job at being my personal teacher so far. Miles better than Peppy was that's for sure.....

Chun-Li: He used to you train you at one point?

Fox: Yeah. Back when Slippy, Falco, and I first started joining the Star Fox team. He meant well, but MAN he was such a drill sergeant at the time! Always making us run fifty laps around the entire Corneria city and a hundred more push ups whenever one of us said anything out of line. (Sighs Heavily While Slouching his Head On the Table) It was a completely nightmare.....

Chun-Li: (Giggles Softly) Oho geez. You got it a lot worse than I did back at the police academy.

Fox: (Slightly Looks Back Up to Chun-Li) Were your superiors there strict too?

Chun-Li: Yeah, but they weren't too bad. In fact, I....kind of had a decent time at academy all things considered. I think the only thing hated there was that stupid Obstacle Course Test I had to take. (Sighs While Faceplaming Herself) It was so bad.....

Fox: In what regard?

Chun-Li: Well, for one, we had to take it during a rainy day.

Fox: (Eyes Widened in Complete Shock) You took the test in the rain!? That's insane!

Chun-Li: I know, right? I had to go up the slippery climbing wall, crawl under barred wires on the trail filled with wet MUD of all things, then I had carry the a pratice dummy towards the white line, climb up the stair case in a very precise manner might I add, and while all of thst is over, I had to make it all the way to the finish line before time runs out. And I get it!.....barely......i even gotten down with a cold afterwards, b-but regardless of all of that!....I still passed the test with flying colors and I never wanna do that crap ever again.

Fox: I don't blame you. Doing anything in the rain in general can be a pain sometimes. But at least it all helped shaped you up to be the woman you are today.

Chun-Li: (Starts Smiling a Little) Yeah....It did. I think your training with Peppy and the rest of your crew helped did the same for you too.

Fox: (Nodded in Agreement) That's right. (Smiles Back at Chun-Li) And I think you contributed to that as well. So.....thank you for that.

Chun-Li: (Stares at Fox For a Brief Second Before Smiling Softly) You're always welcome, Foxy. (Gets Up From her Table Before Stretching her Arms Out) But in the meantine, I think it's high time we resume back to our jogging session, don'tcha think?

Fox: (Gets Up From The Table as Well While Sighing) Yep.....Oh! I forgot to tell you before we left, but I got you a birthday present back at the mansion.

Chun-Li: ('Gasps'). Oh my gosh. You did?

Fox: Yeah. (Starts Rubbing the Back of his Head Back and Forth) It's not much, but I hope it's to your liking.

Chun-Li: (Smiles Brightly) Whatever it is, I'll love it with all of my heart.

Happy Late Birthday, Chun-Li!

@keyenuta

@ma-lemons

@cyber-wildcat

@caleb13frede

@26shann

@albion-93

#super smash ultimate #fox mccloud #chun li #little mac #doc louis #training montage #friendship #fluff #birthday celebration #somewhat

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queerspacepunk · 3 years

Note

Welcome to DADWC!! How about “A lifetime of laughter, at the expense of the death of a bachelor” (Panic! at the Disco, Death of a Bachelor) for Bull/Dorian?

thank u for the patience friend! I hadn't heard this song before but now I have. (Second @dadrunkwriting fill in one day? :0)

“You’re really going through with this, aren’t you?” “I really am. Are you disappointed?” Felix sighs, “I think you’re an idiot, and that this is a terrible idea but I’m also... strangely proud of you.”

To Blackwall, Cassandra, Cole, and 10 others: I was wondering if you would be free to join me tomorrow evening for... a memorial of sorts, for someone quite close to me.

To Blackwall, Cassandra, Cole, and 9 others: Room booked at the Herald’s Rest, tomorrow, 7PM.

To Sera: Room booked at the Herald’s Rest, tomorrow, 6:30PM.

From Josephine: Oh Dorian, I’m so sorry to hear this, of course we will be there! Might I ask, is this a recent loss?

To Josephine: Your presence is much appreciated. It’s something of a complicated story, I’m sure you won’t mind if I wait to tell you all at once, tomorrow evening.

From Josephine: No, of course not, forgive me for prying. Much love.

“You’re sure you don’t want to call this off?” Felix says through the phone.

“A little late for that now,” Dorian points out, “they’ll all be here shortly. What else can I do? Call them all and say, ‘sorry lied about the whole memorial thing, never mind’?”

“Isn’t the whole point of this that you’re lying to them?”

“Not lying,” Dorian says, “Misleading. It’s different. And I do think they’ll be a little too preoccupied to be mad, afterwards.”

“You’re really going through with this, aren’t you?”

“I really am. Are you disappointed?”

Felix sighs, “I think you’re an idiot, and that this is a terrible idea but I’m also... strangely proud of you.”

“Now, now,” Dorian admonishes gently, “there’s going to be enough sappiness later on, keep it together for me.”

Felix laughs, and Dorian can just about see him shaking his head.

“You sure you don’t want me to video call you in?”

“I’ll give the game away, just send me the recordings after, and Dorian?”

“Yes Felix?”

“Good luck.”

His friends arrive, almost entirely on time for once, in ones and twos and threes. Dorian greets them at the door to the private room, face solemn, and directs them to the seats he’s set out. There’s no faux coffin in the room -- he hadn’t wanted to get quite that morbid, but there is an indulgent spray of funeral flowers set at the front of the room.

Sera tries to ask questions, and is summarily shushed by Josephine. Cole tries to give answers and is dragged aside, informed, and shushed by Dorian. He doesn’t quite get it, but he must have a good feeling about the results because he keeps his mouth shut. Leliana seems to know something’s up, but is entertained enough to not say anything, and Bull gives Dorian a hell of a look, laced with enough concern that Dorian actually feels a little... guilty.

“Thank you all for coming,” Dorian says, once everyone is seated, and pulls out the stack of memorial pamphlets he’s had printed, “I appreciate your presence with me tonight, and your patience with what is a... complicated situation.”

He begins stepping around the circle, handing the pamphlets out.

“Er, Dorian,” Blackwall says, “I think there’s been a mix-up. They’ve put your picture on these.”

“Oh,” Dorian says, turning to the flowers to give him a moment to suppress the grin creeping onto his face, “no, that’s quite correct.”

“You better not be a bloody ghost!” Sera yelps, flinging her pamphlet at him as if to test her hypothesis. It manages, despite being a flat piece of paper that has no business being able to be thrown with any accuracy, to smack Dorian right in the face, which is unpleasant, but does at least seem to reassure her that he isn’t, in fact, a ghost.

None of the others seem particularly concerned that he’s undead, but there is a lot of muttering, and worried looks being pointed his way.

“You need an intervention or something, Pavus?” Krem asks with a frown, “cause I know that cries for help are actually a good thing and shit, and you Magisters-”

“Altus, Soporatus, you know better.”

“-fine, you Altus love your drama, but even this is a bit much.”

“I assure you,” Dorian says to the group at large, “this is not a cry for help.”

“You did just hand us all a funeral pamphlet with your face on it, Sparkler,” Varric points out.

“It’s not a funeral pamphlet, it’s a memorial pamphlet, and-”

“The dates are wrong,” Leliana interrupts, “The death date is a question mark so I cannot comment on that, however this is not your birthdate. You must have been... eighteen? Nineteen?”

“Eighteen,” Dorian confirms, pinching the bridge of his nose and taking a deep breath, “this has all gone rather off-track, hasn’t it. If you would all just hold your questions, and nonsense,” he throws a quick glare at both Sera and Krem, “and allow me to explain things, I think you’ll find it will benefit all of us.”

Bull, Dorian notes, is watching him very, very carefully. They haven’t seen each other since yesterday which isn’t entirely unusual, given Dorian insistence that they maintain their own homes up unto this point, even if he spends most nights in Bull’s bed or with Bull in his own, but he can tell that the fact he’s said nothing about any of this to Bull is concerning him.

Nothing to be done about it now. Nothing but going forward with the plan as intended.

“We are here, this evening,” Dorian says, “to consider, and honour the life of someone I believe we all care about. Someone who has, for many years been the life of our parties, a bringer of spectacular stories and an improver of our collective fashion sense.”

“What happened to ‘im?” Sera interjects. Dorian rolls his eyes but doesn’t grizzle.

“Nothing, as of yet,” Dorian reassures them, “but the bachelor of which we speak has, while not by anyone’s definition a selfless man, has decided that there are certain things worth sacrificing one’s life for.”

They look at him (with the exception of Cole of course, and Vivienne who’s grinning like she knows the answer is is utterly uninterested in giving hints to anyone else) like he’s spouting absolute gibberish. He’d hoped his friends would be a little more advanced in their thinking, but alas. If he has to help them along, so be it.

“How,” he says, “does one kill a bachelor?”

“Shoot ‘im!” Sera suggests.

“Blunt force trauma?” Krem asks, “to the head?”

Leliana hums quietly, “poison?”

“Blessed Maker,” Dorian says aghast, “what is wrong with you?”

“Hate to break it to you,” Herah points out, “but you did invite us all along to what is looking a lot like a fake memorial service for yourself. Your high horse is more of a rocking pony.”

Dorian rolls his eyes, “how long did it take you to think of that?”

Herah pouts, “a couple of minutes.”

“Well done, regardless,” Dorian admits, “now you’ve all had enough time to think. Varric, surely you’ll know. How does one kill a bachelor?

“Explosion?”

“Oh for-” Dorian throws his hands in the air and turns away from them all, trying to come up with a plan B for how he’s going to make this happen. He can tell them the answer, of course, but it won’t be at all the same and someone figuring it out themselves-

“Oh,” Cassandra says, “of course.”

Dorian spins back to look at her, as does everyone else in the room, and she flushes.

“Isn’t it obvious?” she insists, “to kill a bachelor, you marry him.”

They all stare at Cassandra a moment before turning, slowly, to Dorian, who has taken advantage of their distraction to sink to his knee, and pull the ring box from his pocket.

“The Iron Bull,” he says, and he’s not choking up dammit, of course he isn’t, he’s practiced this too many time for that to happen, “I have been a bachelor for over a decade now, and I have thought for some time that it was something I would never give up. That I could not ask for more than what I had.”

“Dorian-” Bull says and there must be something wrong with the acoustics in here, because now he sounds like his voice is cracking and there’s not way that can be the truth.

“Hush,” Dorian says, gently, “let me finish.”

Bull does, closes his mouth and leans back in his chair but not before taking Dorian’s hand in his own, and holding it.

“Right,” Dorian says, “as I was saying. Bull you have come along and swept everything out from under me. Shown me that there is in fact, a whole other life to be had. A life full of laughter, a life full of love, and safety, and honesty.”

And bugger it all he is crying now, and he can only thank the Maker for the fact that he’s a pretty crier.

“I have realised,” Dorian says, “that this is a life I want, even if it comes at the expense of the death of a bachelor.”

He opens the box. It wasn’t easy convincing someone to make an untinted dawnstone ring, or managing to get the measurements without Bull noticing, but he’s done it.

“The Iron Bull, will you marry me?”

#dadwc #i came up with this idea like an hour and a half ago and now it's WRITTE #N #how's that for turnaround huh #dragon age #dragonage #the iron bull #dorian pavus #adoribull #fix it in post #bing bong

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staycult · 4 years

Text

highschool!minho as your boyfriend

pairing — fem!reader x minho

genre — fluffish angst-ish ? bullet scenario but mostly not, enemies to lovers

word count — 2k

happy birthday to our precious cat boy! 🐈

happy birthday lino!

you’re one of the best dancers in your school

competitions arent complete without you

i guess the popularity with dancing got over your head a little bit

to you, you were just proud

but others took it the wrong way, as per usual

“alright we’re going to have a new member in our crew, please give him a warm welcome!” your dance instructor clapped

you wiped off your sweat and sat down on the floor to listen further

“come in, lino!” she urged

the young man came in wearing gray sweats and a plain black shirt with a poker face on

you didnt really care nor felt a bond forming between you two

“hi, lee minho, nice to meet you” he smiled half heartedly

you heard the other girls in the room swoon at the sight of him

you were about to nudge your friend who was obviously squealing when the instructor interrupted

“[y/n]! stand over here, please” she pointed beside minho

so you complied

his scent was manly with a hint of softness

he was taller than you and had a lean body structure

your instructor was eyeing the both of you from head to toe and proceeded to call over another instructor

“see, they would be perfect for it!” she whisper shouted at her fellow instructor, still eyeing the both of us

“i do agree with you but dont you think minho is still new? he just came in” the other replied

“minho if you don’t mind? can i show him your audition video?” she asked

minho gave her a nod while he looked around the place with his arms crossed, while you looked like an idiot just standing there like 🧍🏻‍♀️

“wow! his body is flexible, you made the right choice with these two" the male instructor commended

“right?"

"alright, you two would be assigned to create a new choreography for the up coming dance competition. it should be hip hop styled, music of choice is yours." she instructed

your fellow dancers already went home since it was getting late, so you did too after the discussion

you didnt really talk to minho

you felt like you didnt need to, yet

unless it was about the dance

practices were always held after classes. you and the crew decided to brainstorm possible songs that you guys could dance to. all of the songs they were suggesting was boring and at this point you were frustrated and threw a fit. "god, think!" you sighed at your fellow dancers as you ruffled your hair in anger. "do you have any better ideas?" minho asked, nonchalant. "i evaluate whether or not the songs can be used. do you have any ideas?" you rolled your eyes, copying his tone.

he shook head and let out a light smirk, a rather amused one. he suggested songs and remixes that were actually good, but you can never say that. for the first time, someone actually had the courage to speak back to you during your angry state. it did hurt your ego a bit.

"no, i dont want that, it's ear-bleeding" you lied, just for the sake of your reputation in front of your fellow members. "im not asking for your permission, im showing this to noona," he said getting up from the floor with the computer and walked out to find our older instructor.

whispers and held back laughter was heard in the room while their eyes are focused to either you, or minho's back who just disappeared

being a little brat, you stomped over to minho ( who you found in the hallway, just outside your instructor's office ) "you!" you stormed over until youre close enough. without looking, he let out a sigh, "what?"

"what the hell was that about!" you half-shouted, eyebrows furrowed. "what? did i hurt your ego?" he raised an eyebrow, giving you a smirk. you were taken aback by his choice of words. no body has ever came this close to you. all he did was say the truth, because he really did hurt your ego. you hate being told what to do and you hate getting embarrassed in front of people.

your face turned red, "you know what? fuck you" you turned around and left. leaving him with this annoying smug look on his pretty face.

it became a routine

to argue with him during practice

you guys were partners in the said dance

being close with his body gives you the chance to take revenge

by making yourself heavy every time he has to carry you

but you learned that he's not the one to hold back

by letting go of you, causing you to fall off ass first

after a month straight of practice, it went like that

safe to say you hated each other's guts

he hated your bratty and egotistic attitude, and you hated him for pointing it out in front of every one

there's 3 more days until the performance

and somehow, nervousness was getting ahead of you.

"one last practice for today! let me see what you guys got." your instructor said as you guys were positioning yourselves in place. during the dance, you knew you made so many mistakes but you were still hoping it would go unnoticed. making the ending pose, every one clapped as well as the instructor.

"over all, it's a winning dance for me!" every one cheered for the mentor's compliment while you were feeling unsteady. "[y/n], work on the dance a little more okay? you seem a bit on edge" she gave you a small smile. embarrassment was written all over your face. improve? me? christ! it's much worse when minho, who is right beside you, heard that.

the instructor left and every one proceeded to pack their things. as you were about to close yours, "work on the dance a little more okay?" little shit minho repeated your instructors words, with a smug look on his face that you badly want to wipe off with a punch

"okay" you replied dryly, not wanting to engage with crap because of your rising nervousness. "looks like im about to take your place, brat" he added. you knew he was just messing around since both of you had been fighting like this almost every day. you gave him a nod because you just wanted to escape at this point. you placed your bag over your shoulder and opened the door, "don't you think maybe it's because you're not that good-"

"can we not do this right now? alright? i get it. if you really are so fucking great, congrats! now leave me alone." you spat, walking past him and left the studio. the sun was setting when you got out and it was a rather chill weather. it was fine, we're in the middle of october any way.

you sighed as you hugged yourself for comfort due to the strong wind. walking home, you decided to stop by a vending machine.

great! your money just had to be stuck in the vent. just when you thought your day could get worse, this happens. you placed your head on the glass of the machine in front of you while mindlessly playing with the buttons.

you regret losing your cool in front of minho like that, because you know he was just messing around. at some point during practice, you were slowly learning that being a brat is horrible and not everything will go my way.

you noticed that you were starting to change too.

you let out another sigh and kicked a foreign rock to express your frustration. you eyes went back to the stuck money and tried to get it out again. a random finger from behind pressed a red button on top of the machine, which immediately retrieved your money.

you turned back around to thank the person, "thank you-" your smile faded when you realized who it was. he had a small cat eye smile on, "hi" he said in a low tone, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

"hi" you said rather awkwardly. "what drink do you want?" he said as he brought out his wallet, positioning himself in front of the machine. "no you don't have to" you protested. "please, let me do this, it's the least i can do for pissing you off"

"banana milk, and im sorry too" you replied, playing with your fingers. he gave you this 'why are you saying sorry' look. "im sorry for all the mean stuff i said back there, i dont know what has gotten into me, im just so nervous about the performance"

he nodded, implying that he's listening while typing and inserting the money on the machine. "im just sorry for being a brat in general," you smiled apologetically as you accepted the banana milk from him. both of you sat down beside the vending machine.

"you dont have to apologize you know? im the one who took it too far" he said, guilt plastered all over his face. "it's fine, i deserve it. besides if it wasnt for you, i wouldnt have notice how much of a bitch i am." you admitted with a light chuckle.

"i didnt mean what i said earlier by the way," he spoke, finishing up his own banana milk. "which one?" you asked. "when i said you were not that good, i didnt mean it. in fact, youre one of the best." he admitted, placing his empty banana milk beside him.

"you think so?" you asked with a smile. "i know so" he smiled back, removing his hairband and placing it back again. "maybe that's why im falling for you." he mumbled.

competition day came

you were feeling energetic today

bratiness level lowered down by 70%

the performance went really great

every one at your school was rooting for your team

which made you even more giddy

"and the grand champion for this year is..."

you heard your school's name and immediately hugged minho unintentionally out of joy

your legs were wrapped up in his waist and he was swinging you around, happy to win as well.

he let go of you gently, trying not to make things awkward

youve already touched his body due to the dance steps but it felt awkward after he confessed

after the celebration, your crew was in the back stage, preparing for the surprise

today is october 25, meaning it's his special day

you got out the cake you personally baked for him and motioned everyone to gather around before minho comes in

"surprise!" every one cheered and threw random pieces of paper towards him when he came in the back stage

"happy birthday to you! happy birthday to you! happy birthday dear minho, happy birthday to you" you sang along with the crew and faced him his cake

"make a wish, lino" you said as you waited for him to blow.

"i wish to be with you" he said out loud, not even minding the people around us and blew the candle out. a lot of ooos and cheers were heard, making you blush. you gathered frosting all over your finger and proceeded to wipe it on his face

he let out a fake shocked face as he did the same to you. by now, every one around you has frosting in your faces. musting up all the courage left in you. you made your way to minho once more and placed a frosting on his lips. he smirked at your sudden action as he lifted you up.

you pressed your lips against his, licking the frosting clean off of him. he gladly accepted the kiss, ignoring everyone around the both of you. pulling away, "maybe i am falling for you too, lino" you confessed. making him kiss you once more.

bf minho is very tsundere

as usual, dance practices together

vending machine dates after practice

lots and lots of i love yous while dancing

SLOW DANCING IN YOUR ROOM!!!!!!

would let you meet his cats bcs "you are now worthy"

helping each other out with missed assignments

your best friend

kisses are wild but soft

dance covers together

will literally break the vending machine to give you your banana milk

would buy you breakfast

holds your hand during break

cuddling with his cats!!!!!!

forehead kisses with reassurance

people dont get your inside jokes

a tease !!!!!

"baby, there is no one else like you"

author's note —

i tried to make this gender neutral but i dont know much about mxm dancing together! sorry about that, i tried to lessen the female details though.

im open for constructive criticism! i made this a birthday special for our lee know <3

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roboromantic · 3 years

Text

I should update my ffxiv oc lore doc a bit but I keep getting distracted by lore questions like.

ok I know the planet is called Hydaelyn in Common but she really isn’t mentioned like At All in the way that other deities etc. are. Is there Hydaelyn worship??? what does that look like. also tell me more about all the various religions and cultures dammit. we get just info enough to be interesting but not nearly enough detail about what people actually do and/or believe.

If the Qestir believe all words are lies then like I said before, I want more info about how they actually learn to communicate etc. but also that seems to be pretty hard to reconcile with the idea of working with a bunch of people. Xaela are already described as wary of outsiders and that seems like that belief would make the Qestir even MORE distrustful. Then again, we're told Reunion was created bc they couldn't get medicine for a sick kid in time (or something to that effect) and if they want to improve trade relationships with clans to prevent something like that from happening again then I guess doing it yourself is more effective than trying to hold some meeting of the clans where they just talk about it for hours on end and never actually solve anything. Despite the animosity and infighting among clans we're told about, I feel like we see an awful lot of inter-clan friendships

I feel like they mentioned at some point that linkpearls go in your ears but uh. Khaljan ain't got those so how exactly do those work anyways. I'm just imagining like, clip-on headphones that idk, keep the linkpearl pressed against the horns for the vibrations to travel or st???

I have So Many questions about how the hell Seeker of the Sun clans work bc they keep saying it's rare to have more than one Nunh in a clan and there's only ~26 clans so like unless they have "litters" I feel like the total Miqo'te population would be VANISHINGLY small.

unrelatedd but elly mentioned that Viera "reach an age of gender" and okay so a gender neutral term for bar/bat mitzvah is b'nei mitzvah so my brain was just like. bunny mitzvah.

I'm almost certain there was more lore stuff I wanted to talk about a) im tired and I forgot and b) this is already pretty long and I haven't even talked aabout the OCs yet whoops

I gotta add/remove a couple alts from the doc like ok currently in the doc:

P’molminn: Has a surname now and also needs to be listed as an alt

Rorobo Robo: I really love her but I still haven’t actually come up with anything concrete for her yet 😔 She (and everyone else) will get a new reference pic though

Trans Purr-ide: I’m not sure if they’re gonna be an OC or just a "hey check out my name" alt but I do really like them so they can stay

Effervescent Snail: I REALLY WANNA FLESH HER OUT but I haven’t looked into Roegadyn stuff At All yet

The Neytiri Miqo’te: She’s just an Avatar reference so she don’t got lore and won’t be getting none neither so I’m just gonna delete her

Not in the doc:

Tolgoun Qestir: okay so I was looking for unisex Mongolian names bc I wanted to make nem nb and I came across one romanized Dölgöön, so I tweaked the spelling to reflect what I’d probably do with my Xaelang and voila. I later realized that neir name can be shorted to “Tol” and ne’s a max height ““““male”“““ Xaela so,

Eclaileaux Cerdal: He’ll probably become an OC eventually but he’s literally just a TFA Blitzwing reference atm so it's a little weird. I’m very proud of his name though bc see I got the idea while making an Elezen so clearly he has to have a French name. Eclair=lightning and aile=wing and they combine perfectly to make Eclaile. The Elezen naming conventions are like “well its gotta end in a french suffix that ends with a silent x or t” so I just threw on -aux. Basically his name is Lightnwingz and then his surname is the last name of the guy who voiced Blitzwing for nearly all of the French dub. It’s all very silly and I love it

girl help I have so many saved appearances that I really like and wanna turn into OCs eventually and now we got bunny boys too

#*makes an alt and gets it to Sastasha* *makes an alt and gets it to Sastasha* *makes an alt and g–

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beigejournals · 4 years

Text

Season 5 Lucifer

welcome to my unsolicited thoughts about Season 5 of Lucifer.

as an avid and veteran series binger AND a talker-while-watching-a-movie-or-series-but-does-not-want-to-spoil-anything-for-my-friends type of person, i have finally dedicated a space and found a good way to let all my thoughts out as i watch a movie or series when i am alone when i can’t bother a lot of people because (1) they don’t want to be bothered and (2) i don’t want to spoil things for them.

so here are my thoughts, and of course, SPOILERS AHEAD.

BTW, i LOVED all of Lucifer! but this season was a slow burn for me.

ep1

drug scene at Lux; is Amenadiel mean now?

so is Lucifer himself in his own hell loop when he became the ruler of hell? his own guilt towards his father? idk (to be frank, i don’t remember the past episodes except for the fact that he is now back in hell)

the premise of the first episode is cute!

side note after the title card: i remember how much i loved the soundtrack for Lucifer!

Maze is still hot.

I love how Maze and Chloe’s relationship developed and how they don’t have to use words to communicate.

Amenadiel’s and the Psychologist’s house HAHAHAHA i love it.

is Charlie Jesus? His mom’s faith in front of Ella is like every mom plus every religious person ever haha

YES. ELLA. YOU. DESERVE. A. GOOD. GUY.

self-improvement is now a meme, huh?

Dan is me.

comment on drug scene: Amenadiel is still the same, haha!

Maze and the card, haha!

how was the guy in the mask face (did i just say mask face?) blurred but in the party, Los Angeles was in perfect accuracy. excuse me.

coming out of the dead: “oh sorry, that’s so gross!” LORDT HAHA

love you, Charlie! hope you don’t feel like you have to perform because your mom expects a lot from you and that’s so ironic because she’s a psychologist!

Dan’s speeches about parenting: i get it tho, parents try to love their child, sometimes, they just don’t know how

also, i think it’s the sister but Chloe’s just a softie

lol Maze is jealous that Chloe got to talk to Lucifer and trying to say that they don’t need Lucifer.

OOF MAZE.

i forgot about what happened with Eve.

GUYS THE MURDERER IS LITERALLY GOING TO ESCAPE.

the amount of projection as defense mechanism in this episode is too much it feels like it’s too on the nose.

but i do love the parallel between what’s happening on Earth and in hell.

the amount of layers in this question either it’s Lucifer’s or his or his sister’s (assuming it is his sister who was behind his murder)

ok apparently it’s not his sister.

me in law school:

sana all kaya kang mahalin na babalik from hell. kilig aq.

also, after all these years, Lucifer’s house has been so clean!!! wala man lang alikabok

if she’ll be fine without him then who tf is that?

ok i read the synopsis for the next couple of episodes. i don’t like spoilers. don’t make the same mistake.

ep2

i’m Ella when it comes to my friends’ special people HAHA

also, i love the slight lean to one side to show us that this is not the real Lucifer.

why does he have to be naked???

it’s so funny for me how they have to reestablish him. LUCIFER NEVER LIES HAHAHAHAHA yes we can remember now after you repeated it 3x.

ALSO WHY IS EVERYTHING TO ON THE NOSE. EVERY SECOND IS A METAPHOR FOR SOMETHING. was it always like this?

Oh Michael. Nice. Was he an archer? We love the American accent.

how can Amenadiel not know that was Michael? GANON KA IDENTICAL SIZ?

we love the unnecessary car chase just to reinstate the fact that this is a crime show

that slomo with the wings!!!

also everything is so slow with this show!!! idk why but everything feels just a little bit slower (or maybe i just want lucifer and chloe to be together? idk)

gwapo ni lucifer nung nagmomol sila ni Maze pls

cringe ng elevator scene

ykw. i think it’s because i like the lucifer character that’s why i’m impatient. he hasn’t been appearing the way i want him to.

see. you don’t have to remind me so much about the show because i know he was supposed to say “what is it that you truly desire” not fear. I FEEL LIKE THIS SEASON IS DUMBING THE PEOPLE WHO LOVED THE SHOW FOR SO LONG. okay sige.

either she knows it’s not him or SHE’S REALLY THAT NICE AND POWERFUL OF A HUMAN BEING.

oh i’ve been questioning whether they had sex already and this episode answered my question

CRINGE coffee scene: the spoon???

random question: are angels virgins? so is Michael a virgin?

what kind of a person would just go deep on someone else’s pocket just because they ran out of money?

knew it Maze won’t do Chloe dirty like that!

thanks Chloe. u know better than that. (full disclosure: I THOUGHT SHE WAS ACTING BADLY APPARENTLY A GOOD ACTOR CAN ACT BADLY TO PROVE A POINT?)

literally just liked it and now there’s a new secret that was said too soon.

God baka naman pwede mo ko gawing Chloe Decker char.

AH so interesting. Lucifer = Desire. Michael = Fear. Too on the nose again but that time, i needed the guidance because i am a dumbass.

God ain’t raising his children right!

ep3

yes explain everything to me it’s literally not like we have been binging this show for 2 hours straight

see, the Lucifer character is really endearing. i’m enjoying myself again hahaha. (well, i guess Lucifer when he’s with Chloe?)

can i just say that Tom Ellis was born for that role. he fits is so well that him acting as his own twin doesn’t sit well with me.

i just feel like this show was written by a psychologist who liked watching murder shows.

it’s Lucifer, Chloe!!! siya yon.

ep4

love Lucifer-Chloe tandem!

we love how the actors can sing and the show gives them a chance...

one thought: is everyone going to play a double of who they are?

also is Maze the daughter of Lucifer?

i love how they’re transcending mediums, reminds me of Community with their random episodes.

there you go, Chloe’s doing the double acting too.

Now it’s Linda. (so maybe this is the episode i was asking about earlier).

Now it’s Ella.

omg is this why i loved fleabag, it took forever for the Priest and Fleabag to finally do it? no. i just love the Priest.

Charlotte’s back! and the distance from the table shows how not okay they are. okay.

green screen while driving i love it.

now, Daniel!

we love gender fluidity? i guess. i’m not sure how you call it but i appreciate.

Lilith’s dress for the second song. OMG.

there again to make us dumb. after we just watched the whole thing happen, they retell the whole story again. damn. they think we dumb.

literally this season is making every girl kiss Chloe.

why did she blow the ring? was that her life?

what’s that song in the end?

OH that was the reason why she was retelling everything.

damn celestial beings are the worst parents.

ep5

i wanna be Dr. Linda Martin please.

i appreciate Lucifer wearing the bracelet until now. (but i expected nothing less)

i’ve always loved how people reacted to Amenadiel. he always seemed nerdy but these are times where he truly shine and im so happy.

i forgot. i think i was showering that time that Michael and Lucifer fought and theyre hella dumb. ok lets go toxic masculinity mixed with daddy issues.

i know they’re too on the nose ABOUT EVERYTHING but i do like the debate about free will and predestination

honestly i don’t know what’s Chloe’s issue is with being made by God probably just because i’m lazy and i just want to lay everything in His hands but coming from a very atheistic perspective where she comes from i kinda get it. i guess my only reasoning why i’m okay with God’s reason is with her is because of my fear of the unknown; my current fear with not knowing my true purpose. at least she got hers! what is she complaining about?

oh i get it now, but that’s why there’s free will Chloe (or idk, idk how God works; there’s currently no electricity in my house rn. i don’t get how that works even if we pay for our electricity all the time, how am I suppose to know God’s plans?)

but aren’t well created for something else? looking at a selfish perspective, maybe He created all of us just because He wanted to.

wow. literally when the nun kissed Amenadiel, the lights in our house opened up. if that ain’t God. idk who that is.

wow that’s so interesting.

“There are no shortcuts.” 🥺

he exposed himself i’m interested. what if i were the one to whom that was exposed to... how would i react?

another sample of them explaining to us WHAT WE ALREADY CAN INFER FROM THE SHOW (the conversation actually continues to dumb it down for the audience) but i get it. it’s religion and fiction built together.

oh i just cringed i almost vomited with this

also can i just share these. these are the funniest thing Chloe said on the show.

ep6

OOF what a horrifying way to start the episode (after the beach fiasco)

they’re holding us. that’s so adorable!!!

ugh. im still cringing.

yes jowa for ella yes pls. ELLA YOU SAID YOU WANT A NICE GUY!!! HE’S THERE!!! i’ll take him if you won’t!

Chloe if you don’t want Lucifer, i’ll take him too!

can i say how proud i am of Chloe and Dan’s relationship. it’s very healthy for what they are. add Lucifer and Dan to that too! we love men.

also the women in this show have bad taste in men. (except for who Linda married, i guess)

we love the seasonal girl’s night!

that whole charlie thing being amused by lucifer’s devil face is the best bit

was it Michael calling? and oh noooo ;(

FUCKEN MICHAEL

ngl i could have waited for another season for them to have sex on season 6 episode 6 but sure have it at season 5.

ep7

we love a person who wakes up and is not pretty. princess anna who? (i mean she is wearing full on make up, but we’re okay with that snore)

Deckerstar!! they made a word for it

our mojo??? does it only work on lucifer or does it work when she does it to others as well, we shall find out.

oh no! Lucifer’s isn’t working at all HAHAHAHA

it’s currently 2:19 AM. i am tired and sleepy.

Dan talking to Charlotte 🥺🥺🥺🥺

Fucking Michael

oh he emphasized archangel Michael. with my limited knowledge being raised Catholic, i was going to ask earlier if he was an archer because he had crooked shoulders. AND I JUST CHECKED. ARCHANGEL MEANS HIGH RANKING ANGEL NOT AN ANGEL WHO’S A FUCKING ARCHER. me being raised Cathlolic means nothing. HAHAHH

now i’m realizing if i see an angel, maybe i won’t be in the situation where i’ll see Amenadiel but Michael

NO NO NO AMENADIEL

i love this HAHAHAHAHA

knew it. called it! worked on lucifer ONLY. HOW CAN TWO PEOPLE BE THAT MADE FOR EACH OTHER. LORD BAKA NAMAN.

i’m ella shipping them.

THEYRE SPEAKING TAGALOG HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH and HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

what song was that? “When it hurts, just to breathe” same

The Shining reference no thank you pls

NAAAH i really can’t do horror things especially not with things i truly fear and when i don’t have a curtain on. No thanks.

14:54 and i’m watching again open the lights bro, it’s easier to find clues that way also i do get that they’re closing it to ensure that the killer is not there but theyre also moving like the killer is not there anyway so better open up the lights! tho i really know nothing about crime solving (i just typed crime solving instead of solving crimes didn’t i)

we stan ella’s healthy relationship!!!

can i just say there was a time where i can’t even say serial killer out loud so this is really hard for me to watch alone

i know that he’s vulnerable around the detective. BUT SHE SAID HE CHOSE TO BE SO BY NOW HE SHOULDN’T BE AFFECTED BY WHAT HE DID.

Fucken Michael.

ep8

how attractive can you be that even in slow motion, you look great.

oh apparently he did not die.

ALSO OO NGA CHLOE. US2 MO SIYA MAMATAY TEH.

CHLOE THE OVERTHINKER but i get it. BUT STILL.

you know that montage of people just studying and it’s now happening to chloe trying to solve a crime. that’s my cinematography goal HAHAHA. it’s been awhile since i’ve been invested in studying like that.

Lucifer can be just so immature some times

is KillShare based off of SkillShare?

also i’m thinking that Chloe was either taken by Michael or Dan or the SK.

that ring of Lucifer on Maze is probably the longest ring someone has waited for.

i love Maze’s eye make up! ALL THE TIME!

if the lady here is not detective and they’re relieved. that’s just fucked up, man. they were slightly relieved. that’s good acting HAHAHAHAHA.

I’M JUST PRAYING TO GOD THAT PETE REALLY IS A GOOD GUY AND NOT THE SERIAL KILLER COZ I CAN’T HATE THAT GUY PLEASE. the key and the research!!! WTF. stop trying to be smart, show!!!

his mojo is back, does that mean Chloe is gone? 😢

OH AFTER THE TAPES, I THINK IT IS THE BOYFRIEND. DAMN SHE’S REALLY INTO BAD MEN, ISN’T SHE?

I’M SO SCARED. THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME.

THE FLOWERS ARE FRIGGIN KILLING ME.

kamukha niya pa si Penn Badgley, nice.

DOES HE GENUINELY LIKE HER OR IS THE KISS TO THROW HER OFF GUARD.

AH NO. i think he genuinely likes her. except that she... you know found that he’s a fucking murderer

HAHAHA PETE

right??? why does this show have to say everything out loud like don’t already know.

oh he just used her but then he liked her. idk. the way he speaks too, so nonchalant.

preach, ELLA!!!! shout out to those who had crappy childhoods and are not serial killers! that’s the bare minimum i guess.

go, Ella!!! know your worth!

lol made me love Pete, he’s funny.

ok my assumptions were right-ish.

HAHAHA, his american accent.

his choosing to be bot vulnerable around her anymore, Michael, i think is a way of him staying alive for Chloe but ofc Chloe will think that Lucifer would rather have his vulnerability than to be with her.

baka di lang love language ni Lucifer words of affirmation, okay! HE SAVED HER LIFE SO MANY TIMES AND NOW SHE’S DOUBTING BECAUSE HE HASN’T SAID I LOVE YOU YET??? SIZ. HE LITERALLY LEFT HELL FOR YOU.

MICHAEL STOP. Michael the shit stirrer. we all have that one friend.

awa me kay Maze. she’s like a lost dog throughout the show.

does Michael want to be God?

skipped thru the speech. cringe.

what’s Amenadiel’s problem with his child having a normal cold? what’s wrong if he’s a mere mortal?

WHY IS EVERYONE IN THIS SHO’W SO INSECURE. i get so annoyed every time Chloe’s mad that Lucifer doesn’t get what he wants

it’s just that i resonate with Lucifer. it’s hard for me to say i love you and now i think Amenadiel stopped time.

oh. i thought Amenadiel’s fears about Charlie being mortal was superficial, i just realized that he was afraid that his child was going to die. but, he can take him to heaven like what he did with Charlotte, right?

oh Michael.

MAZE! MICHAEL IS A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR!!!! you’re fine! i don’t have a soul either.

celestial beings and their daddy issues and inability to communicate with one another and the desire to fight it out as if that’s the solution

HOTTEST BROTHERS EVER DAMN.

itong si God ngayon lang magpapakita anuna siz.

WHY ISN’T HE PLAYED BY MORGAN FREEMAN BUT OK.

CLIFFHANGER!!! IM MAD.

ep 8 should have been called blueballz tbh

#beigedrafts #lucifer #spoilers

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adrienaline-rushed-art · 5 years

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Can you do Marinette for next character ask/ml sugar pls?

Why I like them: Despite being immature in many ways— I guess by that, I mean her obsessive behavior, but really guys… she *just* turned 14. You know who else is 14? 1D fanfic writers (but more on that later)— in other ways, she’s more mature than adults. First, she’s self-aware, and she’s willing to take responsibility/humble herself when the time comes. Even though a lot of this is because Tikki guides her, it means a lot that she actually listens. I know so many adults that would rather be petty.

And when I say self-aware I mean a lot of things. For one, she understands when she’s doing something… mm… not so great. Many of these things are for comic relief/exaggeration/situational comedy/slapstick (which is pretty much the extent small children get from it), but it’s still evident that she feels guilty or hesitant.

does that look like the face of someone who’s comfortable with her own actions?

Kids who watch heroes look for (and need) confidence and justice. Neither of which are happening in this scene or in some others, and from the kids that I know… they’re totally aware of it. Some might blatantly shout at Marinette as they watch her do something wrong, others might not say anything but… trust me they aren’t taking notes.

The thing is, I’m glad she’s a main female character… who screws up…. a loT. The hero isn’t supposed to be perfect, and I mean that in a general way. Flat villains are perfect in their own realm, so I don’t think imperfect characters are only better for writing, they’re better people or can become better people. A perfect individual is a comfortable and consistent one, a person needs ups and downs to improve.

It’s a bit like kim possible, except Marinette commits more errors because she’s younger and less adventurous… so in a way she’s a bit naive to the world (Kim Possible may as well be an ambassador, so she’s cultured and still makes really cringey mistakes eyes the wheelchair episode). We grew up watching her make these mistakes so we could see them get fixed, if they never happened we wouldn’t know for better or for worse. What’s more, it’s most important coming from the main character. So… I’m proud of her.

Another thing is that she watches her own behavior in the future. She’s learning to trust that Adrien won’t fall for Lila’s gags, she’s learning to talk to him and move away from being a fan (bluntly pointed out in Troublemaker, she actually sees herself as more of a fan than as a friend. Yes, she was lying to cover herself, but she had pictures of all of her friends up… she didn’t use friendship as an excuse? And why did the excuse come to her so naturally? It might be obvious, but she gets flustered and doesn’t come up with good lies… honestly ‘because im a fan’ is pretty fair), and she’s learning how to treat Chat Noir.

I would almost say in Season 1 that Ladybug was pretty flippant to Chat Noir, and I know it was cute at times but people usually behave this way with someone they feel close to already… so why didn’t she ever take the time to take him seriously? Ever since Glaciator, Ladybug has learned how sensitive he is. She didn’t judge him so quickly as to assume that he felt entitled to her, or that he was throwing a simple/unimportant tantrum that could be shrugged off. She took the time to read into the situation and see what exactly was going through his head. Emotions are never a joke, especially in a city where someone like Hawkmoth is a concern. She was cool and collected like a therapist, especially because she sympathized where his feelings were coming from (not too long before she had gotten upset with some ice cream man that was just doing his everyday thing and ditched her friends because she felt hopeless and betrayed by Adrien). Granted she never said anything against him, but she didn’t get forced into a situation where she had to confront him either.

She also knew that reacting harshly would only make things worse, and then neither of them would get off from their high-horse. Compassion is what gets a person to reflect and feel respected. She looked him sincerely in the eyes and apologized, and she expected the same from him. She set the stage, and he responded. They ended up fine, and he even reacted well to the infamous ‘friendzone’, because well… he treasures friends too, and he didn’t know Ladybug considered him to be one. Ladybug was surprised, but now that she knew he had felt abandoned not only that night but since the beginning, she took note that he has trouble reading when a person cares about him deeply (and we all know he does, his love receptors are broken both in his household and as seen in the most recent ep).

She is much softer with him now but very explicit. She doesn’t beat around the bush, she tells him exactly what he needs to hear.

“Chat Noir! You know you’re irreplaceable.”

Look at that face, he knows now that you said it.

It’s actually quite motherly… I mean this is a perfect response. She adjusts to the needs of her friends accordingly rather than treating them equally, because friends don’t always need the same thing. Equity over equality. She’s an excellent example and so much more than the “Huff… I’m a strong independent woman and I don’t care about men and if anyone ever sasses me I’ll choke them. Also I don’t paint my nails, that’s for babies” You can be strong and independent without sacrificing any of these things. It’s not about making enemies, it’s about standing up for yourself— and those you care about.

I could look for so many examples of how she looks out for her friends and makes sure to mind their feelings and experiences before getting all defensive, but that would be… the entire show.

She’s imperfectly perfect and perfectly imperfect.

Favorite episode (scene if movie): Zombisou... and maybe Chameleon and Oniichan. She was angry about so many different things and had so much pressure on herself— including the fact that in each of these she had to protect/comfort/defend someone anyone else in their right mind would rather spit on. But Marinette is noble, she knows how to keep herself together when she needs to. When it comes down to it, the people she’s so angry with are human too. They have hearts with burdens of their own that she doesn’t even know about, if something were to happen to them she would care. She has the responsibility to keep them safe, but also she wants to. There’s a difference between a pain in the ass and a monster, and besides she isn’t the judge of the universe, it’s not her place to decide what someone gets and doesn’t get. Maybe they aren’t getting everything they deserve, but if every human being got what they deserved we’d all be struck dead by lightning.

And she certainly doesn’t wish death upon them. And as we’ve all noted, whether it’s seen publically or not... what goes around comes around.

Favorite season/movie: Season 2 wins again... for now, it aint over yet

Favorite line: Uhh... dang it this again... how about the one above? “You know you’re irreplaceable?” and every other uwu line she has. She is so soft hhuhhggn

Favorite outfit: The cute lil maid outfit from Animaestro

OTP: Well it’s the same as what I put for Adrien, Marichat. For noncanon... mmm.. I think Kagaminette but Ninette is p damn close

Brotp: I mean??? ALyanette duh. But you know since right now Ladynoir is technically platonic.... they’re pretty lit as bros too (marichat is too but so far fanon is the only place they’ve truly become bro bros)

Headcanon: She wouldn’t have all of those pictures of Adrien if she felt even remotely close to him. I think those fics where she has photos up of Chat Noir should be canon, just like how she has ones of her friends, but she has soo many of Adrien which sets him apart from friendship like I said before. She’s insecure and taking advantage of the fact that he’s famous af, none of us can truly relate to having access to so many amazing photos of our crushes... and to sort of continue with the next question..

Unpopular opinion: These days a phone’s photobook may as well be a private wall to hang pictures on so really... Marinette is an exaggeration of exactly what people do— mostly young girls, which she happens to be— and hey get off of your crushes Instagram while you’re at it. It’s actually pretty normal, it’s not the best behavior but again, you need to have that cringey low to climb higher. And anyhow it’s all for the joke of it, no one is supposed to take these things seriously. But I’ll let you all know when my younger cousins start hanging up stalker photos of their noncelebrity crushes “because marinette did it so it must be ok”

Honestly, not even the borderline ooc things are that bad. Like... they’re bad... but it’s a good thing to show, as in it’s not too horrendous to use as an example. It works because it’s so unrealistic, but with very real behaviors that kids need to address in themselves by watching Marinette. I would say some of her actions straddle between IC and OOC, not either-or.

(WARNING: Do not read on if you have intensely strong feelings toward L/u/k/a to the point of sensitivity over any mild criticism as a character or as he is written. If you’re pretty chill reading anything then you’re fine, I didn’t say anything cruel I only gave an opinion as mildly as I could. The point of the honest opinion section is not to be salty but to express my point of view without insults)

Her crush on Adrien at this point in time is no more or less unhealthy than her crush with L/u/k/a— which is still unclear because for some reason In Silencer she still looked like she was on the brink of deciding she had a crush. She’s kind to L/u/k/a and he’s kind back, but she isn’t very nice. The difference is that it’s not very nice to ask someone on a date to spy on your main crush, it’s not very nice to indulge in the affection someone gives you as a chew toy while you wait for your crush and try avoiding the guy who is deeply in love with you and you sorta like him too. (He fell for her incredibly quickly and she did too despite feeling insulted by him moments before, unfortunately he’s a fallback she feels almost nothing for and she’s directing her ‘oh-no-feelings-for-someone-who-isnt-adrien’ chat noir attack to l/u/k/a because with him, she knows its easily uprooted).This goes back to the importance of not always being at your best behavior for a child audience to learn from you, but my unpopular opinion is that she and Adrien are not toxic and she and l/u/k/a are not a godsend. He’s also the equivalent of a High school sophomore dating an 8th grader? So... it’s kinda weird that he’s advancing? (I censored his name for the sake of avoiding conflict, I’m stating this for the unpopular opinion and I said it in as straight as I could because I don’t want salt to touch this. I respect L/u/k/a as a character, he’s a good boy. I’m disagreeing and agreeing to disagree by trying not to engage.)

Wish: Please, let her find out Chat Noir’s identity first... I beg you.

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: Except don’t let the reveal happen right after one of them is rejected... that... that would be really bad.

5 words to best describe them: Noble, responsible, creative, strong, kind

My nickname for them: I like Marigold and Shortcake, I’ve used them in fics and I cry

anyway she’s one of the best protags don’t @ me when I have kids they’ll be watching her and adrien and they will be who they’re raised on

#miraculous ladybug #ml headcanon #ml sugar #miraculous ladybug sugar #marinette dupain cheng #ask #cass answers #Anonymous #letsescapismlife #yes this is how long it takes me to write these posts out and that's probs why I couldn't get to it all this time

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nodaisieswithoutrainsies · 5 years

Text

Need Help With Mental Health and Getting out of an Abusive Situation

Okay so here’s my deal. My mom has abused me (mostly mentally, emotionally, and financially, but there’s been a decent amount of physical abuse too) since I was about 12 years old. I’m 21 now. I went away to college for a few years but due to some unforeseen circumstances I’ve had to move back home until Fall 2020. It’s just me and my mom. We don’t talk to extended family, I don’t have a father or siblings.

When I was 14 I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, Bipoar Depression, and GAD. When I was 18, ADHD was officially added in, and within the past month I’ve accepted my ASD diagnosis. I’ve been fully medicated for the past 7.5 year’s, and in outpatient therapy with the same wonderful therapist for that entire time. When I was 15 I voluntarily (it was my idea) put myself into a partial program for a month for suicidal ideation and depression and self harm. When I was 16 almost 17 I voluntarily (again, my idea) took myself to the ER to go into inpatient therapy in psychology ward at New York Presbyterian, but was only there for a week because the counsellors there all came to the agreement that I was in better shape than I knew and released me, but with a binder of coping mechanisms and into the care of that same therapist I still have. At this point in my life, I’m very self aware, I can take care of myself and my mental healthy by myself, and I’m extremely proud of the progress I’ve made to better myself as a person and take care of my mental health. My friends, my therapist, my boyfriend of 5 years (best friend of 8), and my godmother all agree and praise me for my progress.

My mother, as I said, has abused me. Getting worse and worse over the years (as I contrarily got better). When she’s in a good mood, she dotes on me and does everything for me and lavishly spends money on me and pines for my attention. None of which I ask her to do because.... When she’s in a bad mood, whether or not because of me (when the only reason it’s “because of me” is when I’m not feeling great and liked to be alone) she takes it out on me. Hits me, curses at me, threatens me, berates me, tells me I’ve made no progress and I’m crazy, that she’s a perfect mother, that nothing is wrong with her, she attacks me with specific hurtful insults (“that’s why he doesn’t really love you!”), and holds all of her good mood antics over my head. She’s called the police on me >10 times since I was 14. They always take me for an evaluation, I’m always let go saying the cops are crazy. This past Friday, she threatened and tried to kill me. Then lost her mind rocking back and forth on her knees. So I called and ambulance. Ended up in her freaking out and calling the cops on ME for originally trying to de-escalate what did in fact turn out to be a hostile situation. I got released, but not without all the nurses and paramedics tending to me, as well as the crisis counsellor setting me free, all giving me some support saying they believed me, giving me numbers of support places in the area to help adult abuse victims.

My therapist has a lot of interaction with my mom, as she gives out her cell phone, comes to my graduation parties, has had sessions with me and my mom, and has had us to her house before. Plus my mother frequently texts her and emails her insanities and false stories, accusations, and ramblings about me. So at this point, my therapist has diagnosed my mother with Narcossistic Personality Disorder, as well as Borderline Peraonality Disorder. My mom has briefly (~6 weeks) gone to another therapist, but that was years ago. She constantly denies she has mental health issues besides her depression (which she deals with by drinking excessively, self harming, and attacking me). She denies that therapy works (yet says it does for me). She’s manipulative of the people around her- spewing lies to police officers even when I’m calm, open about my bipolar/therapy/medication, and looking for help, spewing lies to her friends who never interaction with me so they don’t know anything except that apparently I’m the problem, and spewing lies to her sister, my aunt, the only family we talk to still, and her best friend/former girlfriend/my other parent of over 35 years. No one believes me except my therapist and friends and boyfriend. No cops, not people who “love me”, and obviously not her. She frequently tries to get me arrested or admitted to a hospital involuntarily. She has ~$16k of my money in her account that she keeps procrastinating giving me.

I recently opened my own bank accounts not attached to hers. I work, I go to school. I’m an aspiring Marine Geologist and I’d like to get my Masters and PhD. When I hopefully graduate May 2021, I will move to California to go to graduate school and make my own life. Away from her, never to speak to her again.

I don’t have much money, even once she does actually give me the money from her account. To finish my BS I need a total of ~$23k. My saved money was for school, not living expenses or car insurance or groceries etc. Hence why I moved home while I completed some prerequisites around where I live. I will move out if I absolutely have to, by my 4 cats are here, two of which are senile and sick. I don’t love my mom. I can’t at this point. I have PTSD or the similar diagnosis from the trauma and abuse. I keep denying family therapy because I’m not sure it’ll work if she doesn’t accent any responsibility or open her mind to realise IM not the problem. I have a car, which is not under my name and while I could switch it I can’t afford car insurance. I have my own furniture and stuff to furnish a place that I will be allowed to take with me when I leave.

At this point, family therapy is necessary to entertain her until I leave. I’m looking for advice, resources, anything any of you can give me to help me handle this and make my life good and achieve my ambitions. I’m a generally pretty happy person; I like to read, write poetry/prose/short stories/songs, go hiking and enjoy nature, hang with my friends, make new ones, love animals, volunteer at the humane society, act, sing, improv, be in theatre, sew, and give advice and love to my friends who need it. I’m an advocate for sexual assault victims (twice in my life), mental health, animals, climate change, women, LGBTQ+ community (bisexual and genderqueer!), and eventually for abuse victims once I get out of here. (And by this I mean I actively take strides to advocate for these causes, joining clubs and marches etc, not just saying that because I experience some of them). I’m not a bad person, I don’t think. I try my hardest to always improve, and I wish I was dealt a better hand (don’t we all?). I’m not asking for money, I could never. I’m asking for advice and resources and a community. Anything yall got for me I’d appreciate more than anything. Thank you for listening/reading, I know it was a lot. If you got this far or offer help, I’ll hit you up with a follow even though that won’t be enough to repay your kindness. Ugh sorry that sounded textbook. Idk. But thank you so much. I really appreciate your time and advice.

-Jessica (I’m from downstate NY by the way)

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v-le · 5 years

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Ktravels / Klife: After a year in korea Final Thoughts

Foreword: Surprise, surprise, procrastination got the best of me for quite some time. But im back. And for the last time. At least for the last time regarding my year-long study abroad experience in Korea. Here lies the last bits and pieces of my heart that left behind such a wondrous lifestyle in such a complex country.

I guess this will be the last of my “Korean” writings for a while. I think I kept holding off on this because I didn’t want to solidify the fact that my journey abroad is officially over. I guess even being home and everything still doesn’t make me accept reality. All I can keep thinking these days is that exactly a year ago, I was sitting around every day, waiting for my summer to end & for me to hurry up and end up in Korea & I kept asking myself over and over and over and OVER, ceaselessly: “I wonder how my life will change once I live there. I wonder what my life would be like over there”.

And what’s crazy, is that even though I kept desperately trying to grasp that fact so intensely a year prior to today, I still don’t have the answer as I sit here in this seat. I still don’t think I can properly express what my 10 month-ish experience was like. I feel just as contemplative as I did a year ago.

I think ive been holding off writing this mostly because I don’t even know what to say. Why don’t I have anything to say? Hmm.. or more like, I have so much to say that I don’t even want to begin. Because once I do, and then once I wrap it all up, everything will truly be all over. It’ll solidify the fact that my year abroad is all done for, never to come back to me ever again.

I think my final post of my study abroad IG account, the one I posted every single day for, enclosed my immediate, final thoughts and feelings really well. I mean, I literally wrote that on the plane flying home, sooooo…

Maybe I should start with addressing my goals I set for myself before I left, and how those goals panned out upon my return. Very vaguely, one of my main pursuits was to “become fluent in Korean”. Even to this day, im not exactly sure what that constitutes and by my standards, I don’t really know to what extent I wanted to improve based on that statement…. But, I guess I just really really really wanted to practice communicating more and essentially feel comfortable speaking, reading, writing, and listening in this completely foreign language. And I mean even prior to arriving, I had already known how to read Hangul for like 8 years. So in terms of reading, I just got to practice a looottt and just brush up on my speed & precision, I guess. Listening has also never been too much of a struggle: years of pure absorption and drowning myself in Korean in every form possible has taken me this far, to be quite honest. It was never anything intentional, I just held onto more and more words as the years went by. And quite frankly, I’m pretty damn proud of myself for that. I guess my point is that I unknowingly wanted to focus on improving my writing and speaking. Which sounds a bit futile, because what was the ultimate purpose in expanding on these skills? When I cannot even use them outside of Korea? Hm… I didn’t think that far. I just knew I wanted to improve. Or no, I don’t even think I had any real basis before arriving anyway. I just wanted to get exposed to that side of the language and make some sort of progress. Because I enjoy it that much.

I didn’t even know how to write the strokes of Hangul characters properly. No one had ever taught me. For years, for the small words or phrases I might’ve scribbled down for fun or doodled my notebooks with, I just wrote what I knew, like pictures. I still, to this day, don’t know the proper strokes lol. It kinda makes me feel noob, but o well, ive made it this far nonetheless. In terms of speaking, of course, I had absolutely no background. There had never been a chance to practice this skill… in fact, if there were one, if I did speak Korean at some point before going to Korea, I feel like that would’ve been really weird anyway… I wasn’t learning it formally in a classroom or anything, so if I were to try…. To god-knows-who…… I dunno, that doesn’t seem right to me. There was just never a proper place and time for me to use any sort of spoken Korean, and that made sense. Because I had such a wide range of “skills” under my belt when it came to this language prior to arriving, none of it was… “official”? None of it was ever proper…..? I am not really sure which word fits best, but the fact that I had known everything I knew at that time from pure Korean media absorption, it bothered me a lot actually.

I wanted to learn formally. I wanted to learn properly. So, I didn’t hesitate to take the intensive Korean language course at Yonsei, one that was 4-6pm every day, Monday-Friday, for the entire semester. What I did hesitate with though, very greatly, and a little regretfully, was the level in which I started learning formal Korean. A part of me is regretful, but I think I know in my heart it was the better decision. Speaking Korean with the teacher on the day of the placement test was probably my first time ever really speaking full sentences aloud to someone else & I can sorta recall it with slight embarrassment. Okay not even slight, like a ton lol I was such a nooooobbbb… I still ammmmm….anyway, based on that day’s tests, the teacher deemed me as able to start in level 2. But I rejected him. I told him I wanted to start at level 1. Because ive never learned properly before, I felt the need to start from the beginning. He told me that level 1 would begin with each Hangul character, pronouncing them one by one, etc. He asked if I’d be okay with going over all of that, and I told him it was fine.

My level 1 class ended up being more of a level 1.5 & we went much faster than all the other classes and didn’t even start with the basics that I was originally warned of. But still, quite frankly, level 1 KLI was butts easy and I didn’t even need to study for anything to do well. For that, im pretty proud of myself. I’m not trying to brag, but I’m actually just very glad that my skills I arrived with were at least up to par enough that I could complete 1 without much struggle. What I was most grateful for was that I got out of KLI was a lot of grammar basics. A lot of these structures I recognized and have probably used on my own before, but I didn’t know the rules properly myself, until I finally learned them in KLI. So really, if I didn’t take level 1, I really think I would’ve lost out on that basic foundation needed for learning more advanced things. Granted, I probably could’ve covered a lot of those things in my own time if I searched for the proper resources and had a stronger motivation. But I never did that by myself. So, I sorttttt offfff, “wasted time” in level 1.

The next semester, level 2, was also not too difficult. Some concepts were definitely a bit more challenging and less intuitive, but nothing impossible to understand. Overall, my semester 2 at Yonsei was when my Korean grew to the heights that I had hoped for. If I improved about 10% during semester 1, then I would say I improved 115% in semester 2. I don’t even know what that means myself, but my point is that I had many many manyyy more real life, application opportunities to use Korean. The biggest factor being my participation in Powers, the badminton team at Yonsei, that semester. Aside from the 2729017 other things that Powers influenced that semester, language was a big thing. At some point, many of my teammates considered me the “American that is really good at Korean”, but like, the over-exaggeration is real. Although one dude consistently talked to me in only English for the longest time, once I met beloved 익안언니, that English-only image of me died and I communicated with everyone else the same way they already communicated with each other: in Korean. I know that sounds….like…. idk, not a really big deal. Like wow good for you, you could communicate in a foreign language with these people. But my biggest deal with it was that if it weren’t for me being in Powers, I would not have practiced speaking or expanded my vocabulary or just LEARNED as much as I have. ESPECIALLY meeting 익안언니 was such a blessing. Although she is from Taiwan, she is a grad student studying Korean language and culture which already implies that she is basically fluent in Korean. And me, knowing absolutely no Chinese but at least having half-assed Korean skills, we only ever communicated in Korean from day 1. Since the day we met, the day she came up to me and asked if I wanted to warm-up with her and asked if I was a foreigner or not, and then revealing that shes actually a foreigner, too. That made us automatically click, because we realized we could both speak without feeling wary of sounding dumb or making mistakes in front of a REAL Korean person. Granted, other teammates always heard a lot of our conversations and sometimes joined in, too. The main point was that speaking Korean in that sense, was the best experience I could’ve asked for. Others may think the most ideal would be, y’know, a real Korean person. But, why be picky when the point is that I got to practice.

By the end of semester two, I had a kinda random idea, fueled by a conversation I had with a KLI classmate. She mentioned how she was studying for the TOPIK 2, the intermediate-advanced Korean fluency test for foreigners, and she decided to take it in Korea versus America because she heard it was easier and the 65th one would be held in Korea while she was there anyway. Upon hearing this, I only vaguely knew about this test, I didn’t think it to be that big of deal, yet in my head I knew I was always impressed with foreigners when they would say something like “yeah I placed level 6 (the highest mark) on the topik”. And so, I looked more into the test myself, and I was like hmm maybe I should try it out myself. 익안언니 mentioned that she actually needed to (re)take it too because her score from her last test is expiring soon. So very last minute, we decided to take it together. It costed money, but that was expected. I debated a lot in the beginning whether or not to take TOPIK 1 or 2, aka easy vs hard, but I decided to just fuck it, I just gotta make sure I study for reals and have more faith in my skills lol.

Im glad I made the right decision. I didn’t study as effectively for the test as I would’ve liked, but I did what I could given my circumstances. I was shooting for level 3. I at least wanted a LEVEL out of the test, not a blank score, which is what would be given if you can’t even manage the minimum level 3 out of the TOPIK 2. That test seriously HURT my brain LOL. As you get towards the end of each section, it gets ridiculously hard and there were 2475830 words I did not understand at all and the mere rows of sentences eventually turned into huge walls of text that filled the paper all the way to the edges and o gosh, just imagine how brain frying those sorts of exams can be HAHAHAH.

In the end, I placed level 5. I was 8 points away from level 6. I was honestly very shocked and to this day, I think I just owe my score to me doing a good job at guessing correct answers, not my pure skills LOL. But above all else, I definitely underestimated myself. I really wanted to take the TOPIK to assess my Korean skills once and for all, definitively. But even after receiving my score, I still feel lost on how to accurately describe my skills. Does level 5 even cut it? Do I even have the right to call myself level 5? I got it though, right? Having drowned myself in Korean for 8 years & taken level 1 & 2 KLI, I was able to be lowkey fluent, I guess.

That’s pretty damn cool. Im pretty damn proud of myself. And yeah, idk, that’s that. LOL. Im not trying to brag about myself or anything. All of that was purely my journey with the Korean language, particularly in the context of studying abroad in Korea for a year. And in regards to my goal, I think I did a pretty good job. I can write long chunks of text without too much problem, I can speak a good amount, maybe not 100% flawlessly, but I can hold conversations, I can go weeks with only speaking Korean, and I think that’s pretty awesome progress that I made towards my goal. If anything, I may have surpassed my anticipations. Cool. LOL

Another one of my main goals was to travel outside of Korea. Or not even that, just outside of SEOUL. Because as amazing that city alone is, I also knew that there is sooooo much to explore throughout the rest of the country and even in other nations. For second semester, I went to Tokyo in Japan, Bangkok in Thailand, Taipei and Tainan in Taiwan, and Busan, Jeonju, Jeju-do, and Yeosu in Korea. I was very blessed to travel to 3 other countries and hit a few beautiful areas outside of Seoul in Korea, too. Although it was a tiresome experience, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything else. Balancing school and travels and other commitments was ridiculously tough. Ive repeated this a lot but: all my snaps and ig updates may have looked like fun and games, but the burnout was real. Traveling with friends isn’t all fun and games.

I learned SO MUCH through this experience: planning logistics thoroughly, dealing with money & currency exchanges strategically, balancing school work, moving things around as necessary, utilizing transportation in various different settings in an effective and efficient manner, familiarizing oneself with the GEOGRAPHY of a place (a really important one that I feel people don’t really talk about), researching attractions from different perspectives & using multiple, varied resources, knowing where to go for help, preparing proper lodging accordingly & communicating with hosts/staff, researching FOOD, too. I could go on and on.

But when it comes to traveling, especially while on a budget bc we are broke ass college kids, the amount of proper communication & discussion & preparation with other members of the group that needs to go into it is no joke. It’s not fun and games, it’s making sure that we know what the fuck we’re doing in a foreign environment so that we can explore, see things, get around, eat, and ENJOY our time safely and efficiently.

SO in that sense, I’m also pretty proud of myself & my friends. Special shout out to Sabrina Sooyoung Wong who was my ultimate travel buddy for (almost) everywhere I went. I already miss the amazing time we had together :’(

Continuing where I left off, I have realized that this writing is taking way too long. The day that marks one year since I left for Korea has already passed (August 21st) & I realized that I was gone for exactly 11 months: Aug 21 - July 21 (w/ a break in bw ofc) bc I literally landed back in America on the 21st of July, not realizing that the day I left was exactly the 21st as well. And my birthday is on the 21st too. Of Sept..:0 that’s whack. ANYWAYYYYYYY…………

What more do I have to say about this trip, hmmmm……. Ive already talked about my growth through the language and through traveling all over the place…These days, ive truly been trying to relive & recall the worries that shrouded my mind a year ago before I left.

I remember so clearly, constantly asking myself “How will my life change once I go and live there? Will I even be able to make any friends?” People around me also kept telling me that I would “HAVE SO MUCH FUNNNN”, but I recall constantly shutting them down and being pessimistic & telling everyone that I “would just be a normal student studying all the time, just in a different country lol” To address all these predeparture worries, I’ll say simply, thinking back on it now: My life changed SO MUCH, that it feels like nothing even happened at all (ik like wtf??? But lemme explain…), I made friends that I know will last a lifetime, and HONESTLY, I worked really hard studying when it came down to it, but I also made sure to have as much fun as I could. I did my best to balance everything (especially 2nd semester..)

So like, how tf could my life have changed so much that it feels unreal? Well, it’s exactly that. My daily life, the way I went about my daily routine, the lifestyle that I honed, the world that I wrapped myself in, the things I did, the food I ate, just about EVERYTHING about my life in Korea was so drastically different than my life in America, that returning home actually just makes it all feel like a dream, as if it were all a lie. My Korean lifestyle and my American lifestyle are incomparable. They are two completely different worlds. And for that…. I….. yes, I miss the Korean one like crazy every day, but that affection and sentiment for what I had makes my experience all the more precious and just… dear to my heart. Oh so dear to my heart, 나의 유학생활…. I think I kept asking myself the “how will it change” question countless times before I left because I was trying to prepare myself, trying to make sure I don’t throw myself off in the heat of it, make sure I stay grounded in the reality of my circumstances. And although nothing could’ve prepared myself enough for all those specific changes in my life, I think I definitely stayed rooted in mindfulness and never lost sight of the privilege I had.

If I look back on my first semester writings, I always repeated the words “thankful” & “grateful”. I really did my everything to remind myself of those feelings. Same goes for the friends that I met. Particularly my first semester gang, my days spent with them were infinitely bright. I feel like we were all so lost in the wonders of Korea (and Taiwan) and the beauty of just being there, spending time together, having valuable conversations, but also some very dumb ones, and really just bathing in the precious company of each other. It is not every day you meet an amazing group of people as the ones I did 1st sem. I gave yall a shoutout before, but thank yall again for taking care of me, the youngest of younglings out there, and making me laugh & smile more than I could ever recall doing with anyone else. Even my blessed friends from 2nd sem too, sooyoung, antony, Vicky, & 익안언니, I could not have imagined what my life would’ve been with them. My point in all of this? I was so worried about “making friends”, but miraculously, luckily, AMAZINGLY, it all worked out in the end. I am so grateful for that. I got close to some frking really cool people, who I still talk to today, who I still think about a lot, whom I owe a lot of myself to. Even if our collective time spent together was not the longest, even if the timespan of my other friendships are significantly more extensive, the friends I made through studying abroad are infinitely valuable and precious to me at the end of the day. Only stunning memories remain. Our friendships wont end there. They only started in Korea, but I have faith that they will transcend timezones and the years to come.

In terms of just balancing LIFE in korea, I can definitely recall many instances where I felt completely overwhelmed and burnt out. Those days were bound to come from the start. There were many days were I lacked a significant amount of sleep because I was so busy, there were days were I felt perpetually stuck & I could never overcome my problems (the things… a foreigner in Korean cannot do without a phone number…. Gg I felt soooooo shitty at that time)… there were also, ofc, days where I felt frustrated with many different people, there were days were I was so stressed out about whether I was doing the right thing (my 2 tutoring gigs…) or if I deserved anything I was receiving…., there were countless days where I studied hard and stressed about academics, as always (but I managed to get all A+’s 2nd sem & im honestly so proud of that…) …there were plenty of days where I would feel Korean societal standards weigh down on me & I felt painfully inclined to fit in in any and every way possible,.. I also struggled with deeper questions about the kind of toxic community Koreans can foster in various contexts (political, nationalism, etc..)… and the biggest of adversities, the one that broke me down the most, and to this day has left me empty & lost… was watching my singer get torn apart and disappear before my eyes.

I have written about this specific topic very extensively in a different piece, and…. It is definitely a pretty heated, passionate, painful piece. I had many many many many things to say about all of it, and I actually still have countless words to say, honestly. For sake of concision, for sake of keeping my sanity in place for at least this piece of text, for the sake of my world that has crumbled apart far too much for me to ever pick myself back up again… I’ll just say… I miss him so much and I pray for the day I can listen to him again. I won’t even be greedy and say “see” him again. I know ive seen him more times than I ever deserved too. But I want to listen to his voice again. In a new light, in a reassuring way. In some form, I want to hear him again… just once at least… please…Knowing him, listening to him for years, holding onto my life with his voice & music… I know that he needs to do music and nothing else. It breaks my heart every day to think about how this light has been lost from him.

One day… one day……….. I pray desperately every day that one day, he will come back to us. Please.

Its honestly pretty difficult to talk about my hardships during my time in Korea without mentioning that stuff. It has taken such a big toll on me, life became so taxing because of that one situation, that even today I sit here, half a year after it all fell apart, without much improvement on the state of things anyway. But enough of the negative stuff. I hope that’s enough. Despite all the pain & highkey trauma I acquired from it all, I know that at the end of the day I learned valuable lessons and that I am still grateful for every experience nonetheless.

I still wouldn’t be who I am today or where I am today without those tough times, too. It sucks that I lost my light along the way, I lost sight of my world that so ironically always gave me healing when I needed it most.

Another thing I should mention is how I am also very grateful for that fact that I never got sick while in Korea, or just while abroad in general. I usually catch a cold about once a year, even my first year of college, I definitely had that small period of time where I was dead sick from some sort of virus. But not once, did my body ever falter while abroad. It’s ironic because usually being in foreign countries, especially the not-the-most-sanitary ones like Thailand, Taiwan, etc, one would normally be much more susceptible to a stomach bug or heat-related complication or whatever. One would think that my body would be especially vulnerable abroad. But nope. I stayed strong all throughout. I’m pretty damn proud of that too. I tend to take my health for granted, but looking back on it now, I guess I held up pretty well despite all the odds against me.

The most important question I should be asking myself now is… How have I changed since I’ve studied abroad? Some basic changes would be my outer appearance. My makeup has definitely changed, my clothes do not exactly look like the rest of my friends’, and my eyes are sometimes slightly different colored LOL. But, mentally? Emotionally? What has korea done to me? I thought that once I returned from being abroad, I could be this strong, amazing, fearless, bold person. Maybe in some aspects, I do feel that way. But quite frankly, being away from some beloved, close friends for so long has left me more insecure and unsure than I would like to admit.

No part of my confidence has significantly skyrocketed or anything. I am still too much of a pessimist for any of that to be possible. I actually feel kinda reluctant, vulnerable, skeptical… when it comes back to reconnecting with the friends I haven’t seen for over a year. So in this way, Korea has changed me in which I do not know how to reconvene with the life I originally left.

Korea also….. made me fall in love with the “Asian lifestyle”. I say this a lot in person, but I think I genuinely love Asian culture & way of living better than America’s. Especially after coming back & coming to terms with how normalized some illegal stuff are among kids my age are now, I cant vibe with any of that. I know well enough that both cultures have their pros and cons and but I think I can safely say I prefer one over the other. I have grown up in the same exact house and neighborhood my entire life and I very ironically chose to go to a school that mirrors this familiar environment almost perfectly. Therefore, I easily lose sight about what is new, what is enjoyable, what keeps me grounded here.

So to be honest, nothing keeps me grounded in my hometown. Not my parents, not really my hometown friends, nothing special. It’s a fact that I felt more attached to Korea than America. I don’t know. It just ended up that way.

I traveled to and studied there for a year because I felt like my heart belonged there. And after coming back, I think I finally can contest to that statement.

One more thing, as I try to run out of things to say… I dislike K-pop and I wish it wasn’t such a definitive part of Korea itself. I know for a fact that the way in which K-pop has blown up over the years is an inherent loss for Korean culture because now the world has been misguided, misinformed, and misinterpreting Korea as a whole due to K-pop. I hate how, if I were to speak to someone ive never met before about me studying abroad in Korea, they would most likely assume that I like K-pop or make some sort of connection to my experience, with K-pop. That presumption needs to end. I do not relate my experience to K-pop in any way. There was so much outside of that. So like, no, I did not meet so-and-so. No, I did not see that group on the streets. No, I did not go to that concert. I admit I went to plenty of concerts, but those people were basically NO NAMES compared to actual K-pop artists… So please… I wish there was a distance between Kpop & Korea.

I have come to cherish Korean culture way outside of K-pop. Sure, its what exposed me to it all in the beginning, but I very quickly, very NATURALLY, grew out of that mindset & perspective. Sigh. That’s that. A real shame.

I haven’t been able to wrap this up for an entire week now and I think, right before I head back to school for good at UCI, this would be a good time to close it up for good.

What I meant to talk about throughout this entire “final journey” chunk was how studying abroad changed me, and what that might mean for my future.

These days, while ive been lowkey wallowing away at home, avoiding my responsibilities and waiting for everything to come crashing down onto me once I return to Irvine, one of the biggest things ive been really missing is Yeosu. My spontaneous 2 day, 1 night trip to Yeosu with Sabrina was probably one of the best spontaneous adventures I ever chose to do.

Yeosu held some sort of beauty that is so impossible to explain, that pictures don’t even do justice for, and is really just a hidden gem sort of place that I am so so so blessed to have visited and fallen in love with. Even if it was just for two short days, Yeosu treated us SO well. It will forever be one of the best memories I’ve made in Korea, because of all its combined natural beauty, open air, wonderful weather, breathtaking views, exciting and undying street pojangmacha street life, and FOOD! Amazing, home-cooked 한식…..it was really, honestly, great.

Another thing I thought of: I feel like I took so many airplanes that I lost count and I even lost that exhilarating, enthusiastic feeling that used to be associated with taking airplanes at some point. I am not trying to BRAG that I had that sort of privilege, but I just wanted to…. Reminisce on that missing emotion. Now, going through that entire check-in, security, waiting, boarding process feels sooooo draggy, and if anything, even a waste of time….. :( but I at least appreciate airplanes for being able to take me everywhere…

OKAY FOR REALS, last thing im going to address: my current perceptions on sharing my journey abroad with others. If im going to be completely honest, I really hesitate to talk about how I studied in Korea for a year. I am pretty damn paranoid about what people would think of me and I am reluctant to really tell my story because I feel like all of it is very important and special and dear to my heart that it’s not as simple as “yeah, it was chill, I had a great time”. In response to the question of “omg how was it????”, ive literally made a script for myself: “honestly, like my life in korea and my life here in America were so totally different that it feels like it didn’t even happen… it went by so fast and there was so much going on that coming back here feels pretty weird…also, reverse-culture shock is real”

That is the best spiel I can muster up if I were to briefly talk about my experiences abroad. But in reality, I would want to talk about why korea & the Korean language mean so much to me, how grateful I am for all the places and people and things I got to see, how convenient day-to-day life was. And most of all, I would want to address the all the negative things I discovered about Korea. I would want to talk about how for nearly half of my time there, my world was, and still is, crashing down onto me, and how that entire happening has affected my viewpoint of Korean society greatly. I would love to go on about the nuances that make Korea a very toxic social environment, how many aspects that make it well-known and well-received globally also contribute to my disliking for Korea. My experience was so eye-opening. It really was. With all the beauty I discovered along the way, I feel like I faced some extremely terrible shit, too. But of course, as I have been repeating ceaselessly, I am thankful at the end of the day. I always am.

I think at this point, I don’t have much more to say. Despite how much I miss Korea on a daily basis, for now, I think its best to let go of it. I am proud that my daily Instagram will stay as my detailed, thorough testimony to the countless experiences and stories I thought were worth sharing, or remembering at the very least. 286 days. To be exact, I was abroad for 286 days. Not a year exactly, but sorta close. I did my best. I did everything I could. I was independent as I could be, I saw all the things I could see, and I just appreciated it all at the end of the day.

I am really excited to go back one day. It’s at the least the one thing keeping me a little bit optimistic for the future.

잘 있어줘, 한국아. 모든 걸 고마웠다.

#korea #yonsei #klife #study abroad #its officially all over #twas a good run #thank u for everything #to all the ppl that made it worth #am forever grateful

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rqs902 · 4 years

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yang chaowen’s drawing with himself as the prickly center in a circle of flowers is so deep .-.

randomly gonna add my ep 3 thoughts here lol

adding on but chaowen’s primary criteria that his group mates should not be selfish is realllyyy interesting again “I don’t like selfish people”

similarly, lin mo’s criteria that group mates should be able to get along, rather than all be talented sounds like something he has learned from personal experience /cough

istg if jin fan literally just gets 1 stage and its a cutesy stage YET AGAIN im srsly gonna flip a table....

LOL I love kou cong being the super energetic and leaderly one bringing them together and giving them energy and acting all old even though he’s 1999......

lol rip they used all the practice room footage time to showcase zlj’s group instead of hong weihao’s.... YAYYY FOR SHAOPENG’S RAPPPP YAYYY i was so scared there wasnt gonna be any in this song

omggggg lin ran starting the song is so perfect, hes so sassy and cute but cool at the same time ooooof he is really good at facial expressions and this song suits him well

Ooooo the fact that kou cong was willing to say he 認可 linjie as a leader says a lot I think, considering how much he had wanted to be a leader originally.

wow im so surprised that zuo linjie’s group lost tho!!!!!!!! is this some sort of youku play to get linjie some pity points or make his fans dislike the kids on weihao’s team out of spite or something lol jk but actually I guess I respect that the show is not making it an straight-up easy run for the kid

its so meaningful that lin ran and kou cong are the ones huddled closest to linjie while he crying after their performance because the two of them have really been there and really understand his heartbreak and how devastating it feels to work so hard and still lose... oof but im most sad that huang enyu didnt really get much time to shine despite being hyped as a vocal and since hes not got popularity to fall back on, this could be real bad for him :(

aw im glad they talked about lin mo’s strong leadership abilities during the babel practice and how much they respect and like him and are learning from him.... SO WHICH OF YOU COMPLAINED ABOUT LIN MO’S PART DISTRIBUTION THEN!??!!? hmmmMMmMMMMMM why do i have a sneaking suspicion it was su xunlun HAHAHAH

OOF CHEN JUNHAO SINGING TO CHEN XINHAI AWWWW SO SUPPORTIVE LEADER such words of encouragement so touching ahhh i would’ve cried if i were xinhai ahhh and the way he asks for a harder dance so that the dancers can show off their skills more and the way he asks to give his parts to some of his members so they can have more time to shine... and then the way he immediately goes to li chenxu after the stage ends and tells the camera people to leave him alone because he knows how hurt his teammate is feeling :(

omg li xikan has really improved so so much. im so so proud and happy for him, he really has improved so much in his dancing (!!!!) and even singing and stage presence overall. on ipd he gave me such a little brother vibe and he was kinda clueless, one of the ones who needed teaching, and now hes the one leading others, having confidence that his group will succeed, and having the confidence to teach and encourage others. it’s craazyyy these last 2 years have really changed him. he seems so much more mature and self assured and capable, im so so happy he’s getting recognition and love still. THEIR STAGE WAS AMAZING. the older brothers really taught the two young kids (and ybz lol) well! and mannnnn zhan yu get that recognition for your high note!!!! yay for kou cong and akey cheering zhan yu on from backstage I love friendship c: and yay for zhan yu and xikan being in the same frame omg i wish they showed more of zhan yu’s silly side because I feel like he and xikan would get along REALLY well being silly together hahahha and lin mo calling xikan “我家侃侃” hahhahaha so cuute!! im happy to see tyger & xikan friendship

oof see the wheels turning in shengen’s head when he realizes his team is going against xikan. id be calculating the odds of winning if i were him lol.... shengen’s the only one who realllyy knows how rough its gonna be for them. taking into consideration the skill levels of their members and his members and their levels of popularity and levels of difficulty

i appreciate that xzx acknowledges that their group works hard, but since the other group is very skilled and theyre staying up all night practicing, they have no choice but to also stay up all night to practice. it’s a very realistic pov, like he knows he needs to work at least as hard as the others, if not more. rip li zaixi this is not gonna be a good look for you lol but yay for mu xingyuan getting more recognition! i think he deserves it because he didnt really get much on afo either....

cheng xiao speaking only truths when she said xu shengen held up this whole stage lol

wow thats so wild lzx brought his team down by 10 points and xikan brought his up by almost as much... but that makes sense xikan would get the most votes and shengen would for lzx’s group lol but its really so wild to see xikan being regarded as like this amazing performer and working so hard and bringing his group together because that really says so much about how much he’s grown and improved since ipd.

the whole issue with gjm not letting akey and jin fan dance to the theme song too.... I feel like part of the problem is also because akey and jin fan didn’t ask for it. I wasn’t there so I wouldn’t know but maybe they could’ve spoken up but didn’t. but I think their personalities are both more passive like lin mo’s and zhan yu too. i feel like that might be a problem for why mr tyger is where it is still today. theyre not very good at advocating for themselves and speaking up confidently even though they have the skills. it’s disappointing for them that their talent cant speak for itself and I’m sad that they have to be more vocal in order to stand out, but it kind of seems like they’ll need to change this in order to get farther. it’s so sad and awkward to see them standing off to the side watching guo zheng, zuo ye and hu wenxuan... because lets be real they have just as much ability to dance the theme song just as well. maybe they were all shaken at the time, but even zuo ye as the leader could’ve said something like all of them can do this lets do it together.

ayyy look at xue en getting recognition in the votes!!! the blue hair somehow works on him hahhaha but also junhao said xue en helped lead their dance practices ayyy that cto experience hahaha

awwwww xikan’s speech says a lot. he really had the lazy sleepy image during ipd but he mustve really felt the responsibility to change so much. and he felt the need to apologize for his shortcomings despite his team doing so well. im hoping xikan remains humble

welp all in all except for what happened to uuu im actually pretty happy with this first stage! at least they were able to fit everyone into 1 ep, since there’s less contestants. I feel like that’s always bothered me on other shows, bc whoever happened to get aired in the week prior always gets an advantage in voting bc people have already seen their stage for a whole week longer than those who dont get to perform until the week following. the song arrangements weren’t spectacular (except I really liked xikan’s group’s!!!) but at least they were better than afo.... lol......... and i think the smaller number of contestants really makes it easier to recognize everyone so im feeling relatively comfortable that I am familiar with most of the kids already and it’s only the first stage. I’m just reallllyyy hoping they don’t eliminate way too many people too fast at every round, because I really hope the kids im looking out for can get at least one more stage..... esp jin fan and akey omg if jin fan only gets 1 stage and its a dumb cutesy stage (YET AGAIN) im gonna be SO MAD.

im not gonna even get into them evil editing zhan yu at the end... anyone who knows anything or cares about zhan yu at all will know that that isnt his voice so...... im just appalled that youku would be so low as to try to make him look bad like that. they barely give him any screen time already. im encouraged by comments I read that support zhan yu tho, it makes me feel hopeful that people acknowledge his talent!

#rants #i respect how chaowen calls himself a very imperfect person

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monsterloveday · 5 years

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Why I think ‘Before and After’ pics are actually really shit.

So I have wanted to blog this for probably over a year - but (with like so many of my other blogs) I have been putting it off in fear that people will get offended - its 2019, a time where EVERYTHING is offensive. But. Fuck it. Im talking about ‘Before and After’ pics (from fatter to thinner). So I'm not saying that if people are aiming for / have reached a goal that they shouldn't be proud, (especially if its for health reasons) or that people shouldn't be happy when they've really worked hard for themselves... What I don't like about them is the messages that can come with them. So in most cases, we have been taught that getting smaller is to be praised, and that getting bigger?, well that would be awkward to bring weight gain up because that is BAD, right?. So, it's usually that we glorify and congratulate people who are now seen as more attractive / improved because they are thinner, so what does that say about our outlook / attitudes toward them when they were their bigger selves? I have seen some people completely slate themselves in ‘Before’ pics and it saddens me. Even saying things ‘When I ate everything / When I was a complete porker etc’ So what will happen to your state of mind if you go back to that weight again one day? (were humans - life changes and we don't stay the same all of the time) I cant imagine anyone would put out a ‘Ive gone back to my bigger self’ before and after pics, can you? What if life completely kicks your ass and things get too much, you really struggle or you get a certain illness or you, you know AGE and you wake up THAT AWFUL UNACCEPTABLE size again? God forbid. (way to set yourself up to feeling like utter shit btw) I even see new mothers comparing their body to how it was before with shame and its like... YOU HAVE JUST CREATED A HUMAN INSIDE OF YOU, CARRIED IT AND DEVELOPED IT FOR NINE MONTHS AND PUSHED IT / HAD IT CUT OUT OF YOURSELF AND YOU THINK YOUR BODY SHOULD LOOK LIKE IT DID WHEN YOU WERE AN 18 YEAR OLD? It's so sad, unforgiving and unfair. (There are bigger things to life than the fear and shame of a few new stretch marks). Whats more, is how are the people out there going to feel, who are the same size or bigger as your ‘Before’, currently? So. Many. Bad. Messages.

The main thing I don't like is how the pictures put out the impression of “Look how disgusting, unattractive and ugly I was, but look at me now! I am of value! and happier!”. But you were of value then too?. You were still gorgeous back then, you were just a different body type. You were still worthy, with a brain, a personality and heart, (and these things are the most important part of you) You were still you and being you is the most important thing you can do. (that totally rhymes). If we keep teaching ourselves that beautiful comes in only one body type - we are learning no lessons - STILL. If you are happier / healthier then fair play to you! but you were still a decent and beautiful human being then - like yourself, for bigger or smaller and that is the most attractive and appealing thing, it will shine out of you at every size. And that is where the proper beauty lies. (I totally rhymed again). Plus, it wouldn't matter if you got bigger again because you’d be like “Oh well I look damn good like this too, better go get some clothes for this version of my body then! - ps Im fit!”

You are fit, in any version of you - young, old, bigger, smaller. Work it. I saw a Before / After pic of Demi Lovato and it was like ‘PREACH!’. She said “I was beautiful then, and I am beautiful now” THAT is the kind of before and after picture I want to see more of. So be proud and happy in ANY size you may come to be without being degrading towards yourself or others. Its probably the best thing we can all do for ourselves. (me included!) My body has changed SOO many times throughout my life, and hating on it is such a battle, when I was younger I used to tell myself.. “As long as I don't get stretch marks on my belly, because that would be the WORST.” I now have a fuck load on my belly and I'm still alive?? I have stretch marks because of Polycystic Ovaries, Because of me over eating when my dad died - my body shows what I have been through - outwardly, it's my story. Lets just go with it and just be ok with it changing - just as our faces and everything else does!. Love you all - for bigger and smaller S’cuse me while I feel myself. Jay Monster

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sanguinesprout · 7 years

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Therapy/Counselling Diary #5 (and some general bits of feels)

Last week I got the flu and was a total zombie so I had to cancel the therapy appointment. I’m about 80% better now, just the typical cold type symptoms to get rid of cough cough snot snot wheeze wretch eye water ugh. I phoned about 30 mins before the app time ‘cause I was really intending to go but that day was the peak of my ills (and I accidentally slept in after waking up the first time thinking my app was 1 hour later than the actual time and had a small panic too lol). I was overthinking about what I would say to them on the phone but they didn’t ask anything other than if I’d be in for the next appointment after I told them I didn’t feel well enough to go in for this one.

When I went to this week’s app, the therapist was waiting for me at the reception desk (I was about 5 mins late, but I’ve been late to things so often in my life it kinda just felt like eh lol). She was kind and asked if I was feeling better and stuff like that and said she was thankful that I phoned in and that it didn’t matter it was last minute. (If you miss an app without phoning in you could lose all your future apps .__.)

We went over some stuff about self esteem and again about thinking ahead/assuming the worst. She asked me if I’d filled out the sheets from the last appointment and I was like ‘huh?’ because I wasn’t given any and had like a mini internal panic then too. Maybe she got me mixed up with someone else, either way it felt kind of unnerving and reminded me of the times I didn’t manage to complete some of the homework at school and got in trouble. Feels bad man ;;

So she got the sheets out, some of those scoring sheets about self esteem and I did them there. I kinda feel like whenever I do those types of multiple choice/grading things I’m never sure of what to pick. I definitely have very very low self esteem and on the scores it showed for most but was on the line for some, but I feel like I kind of lied maybe? Or like I just threw down the choice with too much uncertainty.

I sort of teeter in between the two sides of the choices in everything like this and even get worried that what I’ll pick is wrong or will sound bad. It feels so awfuls, sometimes I feel I don’t know myself very well at all... Or is it my chronic indecisiveness or worry of judgement taking over? It’s probably a big ol’ mix of everything >< I have a scoring sheet for depression and anxiety (doesn’t actually say it on it, but I recognise the questions) which I do every week and give to her in but I just get so unsure and quickly wing it just to get it out of the way. I wonder how it charts up, if there is actually any improvement or if it’s just all random... Ah, oh dear ^^” I’m being much too negative..! These things are only super general indicators and I needn’t worry about them too much!

Um, anyways after that we went over the diagram from last time again with the vicious cycle of negative thoughts and behaviours and added some more examples to it and discussed it some more. I am writing this the day after the app and my mind is already blanking ahhh my mind blanks all the time during the actual app too, it’s like I’m half awake xAx Maybe I need a break... (not that I haven’t procrastinated and looked at random other things already at least 5 times since beginning this post lol)

Okay, after ogling my phone, eating and spilling water on myself when trying to drink it and then ogling my phone some more, I think I’m ready to resume writing my extremely slow and bleh account ^v^

So, one of the examples we used was me going to a shop I was intending to go but avoiding, I did it and my expectations (which were initially negative) turned out to be disproven by my actual experience. So she asked me what I expected and to give a percentage of how much I believed in it and I said it’d be awkward and said I assumed this 80%. Then she asked me how it actually was and there was all this nice stuff I learned from going, it was a generally pleasant experience and and my score for awkwardness was rethought to 10%. It’s actually a really neat way of showing yourself how overthinking is so ridiculous and irrational. She said to try and do this for other things I find difficult and to try and then prove my thoughts wrong, I’ll... I’ll try!

She also went over this sheet of unhelpful/negative habits and it has some short descriptions all the different types and I actually have to write examples relating to the ones which I have/often fall into as homework eep! Some of the bad habits listed are predicting the future, mind reading, comparing yourself, catastrophising etc.

She asked me what I thought she was thinking about me then (or well earlier on) and I said that she was thinking I was silly, but she said nope and she was actually thinking of how proud she was that I did the shop thing I was avoiding..! :D Also when she asked what is the unhelpful behaviour I do and I said avoiding things, she said thanks for being so open and truthful ^^ It feels nice to be praised and to know that my mind is just an asshole a lot of the time lol!

I‘m pretty anxious about writing things down as I always am but also she said not everyone has all these habits, but the more you have the harder it is for you to move forward. Looking at them I feel like I have them all aughhhh... but I guess it explains why I am having such a hard time with everything, it’s good to be able to understand more about my thinking.

Sorry, I’m not really elaborating or writing anything particularly useful. Ahhh what am I saying sorry for >< I keep worrying about my post sucking, but what does it matter if it does or not, I am doing this for me, it’s okay to be selfish... that was one of the things on one of those scoring tests there were a few selflessness statements and ahhhh I die x3x

I also gotta try and do the phone call order practice thing which I’m still avoiding the hell out of cryyyy... it sounds easy but it’s just so hard to get past my silly fears and just do it. Ahhhh c’mon, I can do it... ahhhh... it’s tough... I’ll get there, I hope, and then it’ll be smooth-ish sailing ;v;

Besides being sick and going to that app, in the past week, or well actually yesterday I went to my sis’ house again and made a really basic chocolate cake (was actually meant to be brownies, but oh welp lol). I did it yay! The results weren’t perfect but it is good enough and I guess I learned more about what I can do better (not substitute ingredients maybe lol). I feel a bit more confident using the oven and just combining the ingredients and cracking eggs which is nice! x3 Practice makes perf- slightly better to much better results hah! :3

I was kinda sad cause my parents aren’t really interested in my stuff that much? :< Like the other day I wrote a super nice picture message note thing directed to my parents (I do things like this all the time though and I put in a lot of effort and love) and my dad didn’t even say anything about it, just said he was too busy to look/doesn’t have time for nonsense kind of thing and it just... it really hurt and brought my spirits down so much... ;; My mum chuckled at it at least, I wrote a reference to something funny on it after all, but I wonder if it’s because of the reference that my dad doesn’t seem to like it? But that’s only one tiny part of the picture, it doesn’t make sense... ><

They haven’t tried my cake yet either or shown any interest in doing so, I mean they’re not obligated to and they probably will sometime later, but idk it’s just like... a disappointing and deflated sort of feeling like when a kid makes something and strives for attention or some sort of praise and gets none or hardly any acknowledgement at all... except I’m not a kid... or well, I’m an overgrown kid .__. Am I being too unreasonable or greedy? I want to make them proud at least a little or have even the tiniest bit of encouragement... I just want to be loved... :’C <//3

Um, welp I guess I just have to be more serious and do the grown up things they probably want me to do. Yeah, I’m not a kid anymore... I know I’m really childish, but I can’t help it, it’s just who I am... is it wrong? Should it be another thing to add to the list of why I’m so ashamed of myself..? No, stop, I’m being to harsh on myself.

Aw man, um... well I didn’t mean to fill this post with angst but uh... I guess better out than in. My feelings... they’re so... annoying... but valid and they matter and I matter. I can always learn love myself and I have my sister too. My parents do love me, it’s just not as conventionally expressed I guess. I gotta be grateful for what and who I do have, no comparing them to others either ^^

Lately (like I’ve said in the many many previous posts) I’ve been wanting to post my random art stuff or to try and make more serious attempts at making art or practicing it but I just... it’s hard. I feel like I’m so very close to being able to take that step forward but then I’m hesitating again, overthinking, trying to plan things, doing all of the negative and unhelpful habits and ending up too scared to do anything at all.

It’s a pretty big hurdle, all the things Im facing are, and I can see over it but I’m scared to take the jump, it’s so intimidating but I have to just let myself know that even if I trip, even if I fall, it’s okay and at least I tried and get up to try again! I can do it! I keep losing my focus, but I’ll keep trying to get it back until I do it!

Oh! OH! My dad called me from downstairs, said he tried my cake, described its kind of flaws which I already knew and told of but said it was better than this other cake he bought before, that it was just better than my other attempts (Um.. I haven’t baked a cake before though lol) Anyways he said it all with a happy tone and I was reading into things too negatively before, man I was being so impatient and oh my overthinking mind when will you just slow down and take the time to enjoy the breeze and smell the flowers.

It feels like.. like idk... like I just got a mood and motivation to try harder next time boost. I’ll try harder next time and I’ll wow him and if not next time then the time after or after that, but each time I’ll improve some even if I fail some. This must be how people feel in competitions or in movies or in, well just life. How interesting! That phrase about life being boring or meaningless without challenge, I guess makes more sense now c:

I’m glad I wrote my post even though it took me hours and I stressed some and took so many breaks but I was able to pull around and add some positivity back into my gloomy mood and re-encourage myself in general which is awesome! I gotta toughen up and get around all these negative obstacles, I gotta pace myself more consistently but not get ahead of myself. Slow and steady wins the race! Yeah I’ll just throw out more proverbs and sayings even if I remembered them wrong or used them wrongly but whatever yolo! xD

I’m stronger than I think, I can do things, I can do them right now! I will do them or at least begin to do them right now! I won’t overthink or if I do I will unravel my worries with rationality! If I don’t do any of the things I just said then whatever and there’s no need to worry about it! Hell yeah!! >:D

Okay, imma do some productive stuff now :3 Like my counsellor said, there’s no point focusing all my energy on worrying and wearing myself out when it’s much better to put all my energy towards actually doing things and making myself happy.

If I don’t manage to do everything I hope to today, it doesn’t matter, I can resume it later another day. If I do something wrong, I’ll learn from it, I can now do even better and there’s no need to beat myself up about it. There isn’t always a right and a wrong, just go with the flow, there’s no rules and no obligations! My forgotten mini mantra yay! *power up!*

I really need to put my little self motivations somewhere I can see them more frequently. Oh yeah! In illustrations which I wanted to do... I kind of forgot about all that, but I’ve remembered! Hnnrgh no overthinking, no comparing, do it for myself, believe in myself! I’ll get round to it soon hopefully! c:

Keep fighting, keep going! Have a great evening! ^0^

#therapy #avpd #anxiety #depression #social anxiety #perfectionism #self-motivation #self-encouragement #thoughts #feelings #family #Let's try our best! :3 #baby steps #believe in yourself #onwards to victory!

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