#so sometimes their experiences appear to match yours and if your experience stems from your queer identity then often you can assume that

[wren-kitchens]

im annoyed and a little pedantic so can i just say as a blanket statement

queerbaiting is when the promotion for a FICTIONAL STORY intentionally hints towards two characters having a romantic relationship, without any intention to follow through in the show, in order to get queer people watching without discouraging the homophobic enjoyers of the show

queerbaiting is NOT:

a celebrity who you think is queer because theyre gnc or they have a 'vibe'. that is a real person and they cannot queerbait

two friends of the same gender pretending to flirt with each other for fun. those are real people and they cannot queerbait

a show with two characters of the same gender who are canonically friends that YOU PERSONALLY think would be better in a relationship. that's not bating, that's shipping, and subject to opinion

there are more but those are the main examples of people misunderstanding what queerbaiting is and being mad at something that isn't actually a problem

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Hi!! I sorta get the vibe that maybe Rook has some deep rooted trauma from his childhood?? Just because of how secretive he is; i know hes eccentric but i feel like it’s more than that. A lot of ppl are upset at Vil for “changing” Rook somehow but i feel like rook changed his appearance to match with Vil, moved to pomefiore, etc. because HE wanted to be more like Vil, i feel like him meeting Vil was a rly big turning point for him. And with how upset he was at having to hurt dream Vil and Neige (and his fanboy bedroom😭😭) i feel like he’s really dependent on both of them for his happiness and he’s avoiding dealing with some traumatic experience, but this could be a stretch. I was wondering what your thoughts were. Sorry this was so long, have a nice night!!🫶

Mmm, maybe? There's certainly nothing to disprove the idea, although there also isn't much to support it. Rook doesn't strike me as someone who is scared or put off by most things. He was very much able to keep his calm and composure even in demanding, high-stress situations like the STYX base raid in book 6 and the rescue operation in Endless Halloween Night. If he has experienced something dangerous and/or dark, he gives me the impression that he could handle himself just fine. (This isn't to downplay trauma; I'm just saying that Rook could very well be the type of person that reacts and copes well with it.) As for him being secretive, it could be for other reasons such as his family's line of work (which is implied to be pretty important, since they have warp pads and villas all over Twisted Wonderland). This would be reasoning similar to why Jade and Floyd's father's occupation is kept dubious. Rook's secretive nature could also be an intentional diversion (ie purposefully playing "the fool") so it's easier for his targets to lower their guards around him or not take him seriously. Really, there's many reasons for his enigmatic and eccentric attitude. I'm also of the opinion that you don't necessarily need to have a deep-rooted trauma to get deep into fandom or stan culture. Sometimes you just get really into something and want to dedicate your entire being to that which holds your attention! For Rook, that's Neige and Vil--and it hurts him on a deep level to have to harm those who have brought him so much joy. I liken it to like... how TWST fans have merch shrines dedicated to their favorite boys. Non-Twsties may not understand our love and dedication to these characters, nor why we may get upset if those merch shrines are destroyed or damaged.

I think a lot of Rook's emotional attachment to Neige and Vil doesn't come from "relying" on them to fill in some void within himself. Rather, the behavior stems from him literally viewing them as pinnacles of beauty, combined with his own reverence for beauty itself and how they've helped his own character development. We know that, as a child, Rook struggled to express himself and was first introduced to the magic of the arts when he watched a play that starred Neige. The performance and show must have deeply resonated with Rook. Later on, we see that he, as a first year Savanaclaw student, acts much closer to the Rook we know of today. Invasive, bright, speaking his mind in a verbose way, etc. This makes me think that it was through stanning Neige that Rook was motivated to express himself in a more open manner. Then, when Rook meets Vil, he's inspired and encouraged to beautify himself so as to be like the works of art he already admires. As you've said, Vil isn't the one forcing change on Rook; instead, Vil gives the suggestion and Rook becomes enraptured with the idea--to the point where he changes dorms against Vil's advice. This is another huge turning point in Rook's life. He changes dorms, becomes Vil's right-hand man, and drastically changes his appearance too. This is all so he can be closer to the "beauty" he wishes to see, so he can fully dedicate himself to that chase. Neige was the impetus that started it all, and Vil is the one who motivated Rook to go "above and beyond" in his pursuit of beauty. So thinking about it, Rook has gone on his own journey of personal growth, and Neige and Vil are both closely tied to that. It's like how some of us TWST fans have been with the game for a few years now. We've grown and changed, and TWST has been with us every step of the way. I bet you're a totally different person today than you were when you first came across your current hyperfixations. That's bound to deepen the emotional connection we already have with the object of our affections--be it TWST for us, or Neige and Vil for Rook, no trauma necessary. From all of that, I get the impression that Rook cherishes Neige and Vil because he has "grown up" with them and they're so pivotal to who he is and has become as a person. When he has to turn his arrow on them, it may hurt him in the sense that he's destroying his passions or the very figures who have inspired him to come as far as he has. That's how I interpret it!

I still think it's fine to headcanon whatever you want for Rook's past though! There's no harm in filling in the gaps with whatever you think suits the character or the story.

[melancholysway]

Howdy, (yes I'm southern) I'm Blue!!! Quick little fact about me: if I don't find some fanfics over 03 Donnie and fast, I'm gonna go fucking feral. Like out in the woods picking berries feral. Literally heart eyes every time I see him. It's marriage on the spot if he ever walks through the door. Like I got the ring already picked out and everything.

Anyways, it would fan fiddly tastic if you could provide me and all my mentally disordered brethren with some hcs over how the 03 boys would be with s/o who has Aspberger's syndrome. Think autism but watered down. If you would like some examples of behaviors and habits that stem from this, just let me know! If you have time for a long shot that would be epicly epic but I get it if a short shot would be easier for you.

Why don't I just right them myself? Next question!

Alrighty drink water and have fun!!!!

Hi Blue! First off, thank you for the explanation on Asperger's! Your information helped me write this fic to the best of my ability to fit your descriptions.

Second off, I'm so sorry this took fucking forever, I'm finally on summer break from the semester omfg. You also told me that the term "aspie" is not derogatory and since I had no idea how to tell the reader that Y/n in this fic has Asperger's, I thought it would be okay to just use "Aspie" when describing the reader in the title. If you don't like it, let me know and I'll switch it out :)

I'm fulfilling requests in the order they are received, which is also one of the reasons I held off on writing at all, because I really had a good idea for this one and wanted to write this first!

I really hope you enjoyed! I'm excited to be back writing!

TMNT 2003!Donnie x Aspie GN!Reader: WeekDay(s) in the Life of Donnie & Y/n

With Donatello getting together with you, he had to get used to a few things. Not that he already wasn’t aware since you were friends before dating, but just some things to keep in mind when it came to you:

1. You got into something new, like, every week. Sometimes, you’d get stuck on one thing and drop the one before. He had to learn how to get up to speed with your interests and hyper-fixations. 

Not that it bothered him, but he always wants to understand and learn what and why you’re so hyper-fixated on, even if it meant dropping his lab time to learn about it from you.

2. He has to explain his subtle sarcasm since you usually don’t pick up on it. 

As in, if he makes a joke, sarcastic remark, etc, and you don’t understand it, he doesn’t mind taking a step back to explain the syntax and linguistics of why it’s funny to try and get you to laugh

3. Unexplained excitement, he tries to match your energy for things you randomly get excited about, and it includes when you hand flap as well. Common among those with Asperger's, those that become excited hand flap as a stim. 

Despite Donnie’s usual quiet nature, he gets excited as well, especially if he has a “breakthrough” in his experiments, so he 100% understands the excitement part. 

He already understood most of how Asperger’s worked when it came to you alone and getting to know you more. 

It actually surprised him when you asked him to be your boyfriend. He seriously wasn’t expecting that to come out of your mouth. 

“Turtles are cute, you’re cute, duh, Don.” He’s sold. He liked you before, but now? How you’re not phased by his appearance? It’s perfect. 

In order for Donatello to understand you more, he decided to keep a journal in which he keeps track of everything about you and all about Asperger’s. The reason being, well, he really wanted to know how to be a supportive boyfriend for you!

Here’s a week-long entry from his initial observations, interactions, and thoughts- and guess what? It’s all about you! Cheers to the beginning stages of the relationship!

MONDAY:

In the afternoon, Y/n came into my lab, with the usual antics I would expect. However, I wasn’t sure why they were so excited. 

“And then I found out about how they eat their mates, and now I have to ask you, my super smart boyfriend, why?!”

Even though Y/n could have done a quick Google search, I loved that I was asked to answer that instead. It makes me feel included in their excitement, so I try to take part as much as I can. I’m actually not sure what possessed Black Widows to eat their mates, but it’s still pretty messed up. And if this excites Y/n, who am I to not share the reasoning? It’s cute, how excited they can get. I love it. 

“Well, um…”

 “Isn’t that just a socially acceptable form of cannibalism? Like, why did we make that okay? Or, why aren’t there spider laws in place to protect male widows? Or even….wait, why that look on your face?” Y/n probably thought I was lost, or annoyed even. 

I wonder what face I had on that caused Y/n to move on to talking to Mikey instead and hyping him up about justified cannibalism, yet I felt incomplete. But, if Y/n’s mind is moving quickly from topic to topic, person to person, I should wait until they come back to me. In the meantime, generating a long fact sheet about Black Widows for Y/n is on my to-do list.

Maybe I should’ve said how I wasn’t annoyed. In fact, I was intrigued. 

Donnie’s Notes:

Y/n’s actually right, Widows are just socially acceptable cannibals

Make a Black Widow fact sheet

Tell Y/n tomorrow that I wasn’t annoyed

Search up potential jokes about Black Widows

TUESDAY:

Today, I thought I’d test the waters with some Black Widow jokes. I’m gonna be honest, I looked them up. There are not many on the internet, and as smart as I am, I sort of lack in the joke department. That’s more Mikey’s thing, anyway. 

So when Y/n came into my lab today, I wanted to impress them with my (stolen) joke.

“I actually have a gift for you,” 

“Donnie, you really don’t have to get me anything.” Y/n’s typically straightforward and honest, though my gift isn’t materialistic, it’s still of interest to them. 

“Why do Widows kill their partners after they mate?” After wiggling my nonexistent eyebrows, I’m still met by Y/n’s usual stoic expression to my jokes or remarks. 

“Is this an actual question? I’m not really sure, that’s why I asked you.” Y/n says though I can tell based on the awkward neck scratching that they don’t think for a moment that it could be a joke. 

“No, they can’t stand listening to them snoring. Ba dum psh!” 

“...” 

Okay, not my best joke. 

“Sorry you had to sit through that awful joke, but, I made you this-” After printing out the document I wrote up for Y/n, they watch as the paper comes out from the printer. Fresh, the best kind of printer paper. 

“It’s a…” After examining the paper for a minute, it ends with Y/n smiling. I added photos, statistics, and everything I could find about Black Widows that Y/n might want to know. 

“Wow! Thank you, Donnie! You’re such a smart guy, this really makes up for the horrible joke earlier!” Ouch, but, they’re not wrong. It was an um…shitty joke, to say the least. I should’ve rehearsed it in the mirror. 

The rest of the day Y/n was in the Lair consisted of a recall of all the facts on the sheet. We spent our time doing thorough research on the ones that Y/n was particularly interested in. The red mark on the spider’s backs, why they eat their mates, and (for some reason) we went down the rabbit hole of “famous” human cannibals. Upon further research, we learned that if you salt human meat, it actually contracts. It grossed me out but sparked Y/n’s interest. I kind of wanna stop eating pepperoni pizza now. Mushrooms were always my favorite topping, anyway. I was NOT going to make a fact sheet for human cannibalism. In fact, I decided to go with the flow of Y/n’s interests, if we were focused on Black Widows for the week, that’s what we were focused on. 

Come to think of it, Y/n has introduced me to many new facts that I never knew about when it came to their interests. Crystals, trees, birds, anything. I’m usually only fixated on science/microbiology, not the bigger things that make up our world. It’s one of the many things I really like about Y/n as a person and as a partner. I’m constantly learning something new despite being a technical genius. Haha, I just called myself a genius, is that narcissistic of me?

WEDNESDAY:

Since today was our group sparring day, Y/n came in the early evening to watch us. Although they’re usually interested in sparring physically, they just didn’t seem up to it, which was fine by Splinter. He was always adamant about observing and learning by watching. Plus, Y/n seemed to be really entertained by our sparring.

 I hope I don’t mess up today, I’d hate to feel embarrassed. I think Y/n prefers to watch us since its fewer eyes on them, which is understandable. The center of attention wasn’t always their favorite thing, anyway. 

I’m learning more things about Y/n day by day, and writing it down is making it easier to keep up with whatever they’re interested in. Because I was invited to watch a short documentary about Black Widows at Y/n’s apartment, their current interest seems to be just that. Not that I’m bothered, however, Raph seems a little nervous that Y/n’ll somehow find one and bring it down to the Lair to show us. He usually isn’t fazed by their sudden interests, but THIS one got him in a chokehold. I don’t think Y/n would actually find a Widow, though. 

~~~

I was…well, embarrassed. Turns out, Mikey had some new move up his sleeve, and body slammed me to the ground. So, so, so embarrassing. 

“Woah! You okay, Donnie? Mikey slammed you into next week!” Despite the pain I was in, I still flashed a small smile, to let Y/n know I was fine. They seemed to be really into my safety of the little things. Sparring, during lab experiments, etc. I actually played back the many times I was given a lecture from Y/n about lab safety when they caught me not wearing goggles. I wear them all the time now. 

THURSDAY:

It’s day 4 of Black Widows. I decided to set up a docu night in my lab with Y/n. It included their favorite movie snacks (Y/n gave me a list just in case I planned something like this and was unsure of what to get them) as well as mine. Though I’m not sure if I can stomach a Widow eating its mate, I’ll endure it for Y/n’s sake. 

Y/n loved the documentary. It’s a trend I’ve noticed when I began to date them. Whatever we did didn’t matter, as long as we were both interested in what we were doing and doing it together. These past few days I’ve learned a lot just from Y/n’s sudden interest that I'm beginning to enjoy it equally as much. I wonder if I can find other media that might excite them.

I had the urge to cuddle Y/n, though I only acted on it after the documentary. I thought I’d be distracting, only for them to tell me they were waiting for me too. 

I hope Mikey (or worse, Raph) doesn’t find this, but I seriously got butterflies when I had them in my arms. I held a loose grip, just in case Y/n felt restricted in any way, but they seemed to enjoy it. Plus, if they didn’t, they would’ve told me. 

FRIDAY:

Nothing much out of the ordinary happened today.

(that's a lie)

Y/n actually asked to kiss me today before leaving. Which I don’t think I was ready for. Sure, I’ve been thinking about kissing them, but I wasn’t sure how to do it or ask. But Y/n- blunt as they are- straight up asked. I think that’s one of the great contrasts between me and Y/n. It’s in their nature to just say what’s on their mind or be blunt. Straightforwardness doesn’t come easy to me, but I find it to be beneficial when it comes to our relationship so far. Though we’re still in the beginning month of our relationship, I think a way I’m stepping out of my comfort zone is being with Y/n- who appears to be the polar opposite of me in terms of socialness. I’m more reserved or to myself, usually talking when spoken to, or if something’s really important that I have to share. 

I admire that part of Y/n- even if they aren’t aware of it. I could really work on saying what’s on my mind more. 

So when Y/n asked out of nowhere if they could kiss me, why would I refuse? Of course, I wanted to!

And you know what, little journal? It was amazing. My first kiss and it was with someone special. 

Donnie’s Notes:

Quickly yet informatively, I’m learning more and more about Y/n and how Asperger’s affects them every day. I’m learning that it’s okay to be extremely giddy and excited over something in my lab, knowing Y/n would love to hear about it and geek out with me too. I’m learning that Y/n genuinely enjoys my lab, and finds something new in it every day to ask me about since it’s always changing and growing. They enjoy what I have to say, and if it comes down to it, we could go weeks straight talking to each other about whatever interests us. I learned that whenever Y/n gets really excited when talking, they do this gesture with their hands- and when I asked- it’s called hand flapping. A response to when their mind gets excited and their body has to show it. It’s adorable, just like them.

And that, dear readers, was Donnie’s week-long journal entry about you. 

Though he’d literally take this to the grave, it’s nice knowing that Donatello takes an interest in you as a person and your personality, understanding how you operate and continuously attempting to match your energy. 

2003 Donnie is extremely pensive; constantly wanting to do new things or learn new things

So, what better way than to do it with his S/O, who ALSO has a constant need for excitement in new information or concepts?

Needless to say, dating Donatello entails that you will not be disappointed! Donnie is peaceful, has a thirst for knowledge, becomes hyper-fixated on little inventions, loves learning new things, and loves a S/O who can have the same multitude of interests as him (even more!)

//

For: @thats-not-very-cash-money-of-you

Taglist:

@bee-1n-space @ducky-died-inside @xnorthstar3x @writingandcrying

Masterlist

D I S C O R D

[mariammanjgal]

FIRST POST^^

Hi Hi Hiiii. I just randomly got the urge to start blogging on tumblr in 2023 lol. And the reason for that is that I've always wanted to have a diary but i'm too inconsistent for that plus it takes too much effort and time to write everything by hand. This blog has 0 followers so I'll have no shame about what I write here. Maybe I'll keep it a secret forever. Anyways, life lately has not been good at all. I think I'm really feeling the transition from teens to twenties (I'm 19) and I'm feeling it reeealll heeeavyyy. Daytimes are alr but whenever the night comes... oh boy. I sometimes want to rip my skin off (metaphorically(?)). Some aspects of my life have been really stagnant and they don't correlate with who I am anymore (maybe some people too). Don't think there are many feelings that feel worse than being stuck somewhere or with someone feeling like you don't belong. But at the same time I've changed so many times and so much during my long but short 19 years of life that I've kinda stumbled upon that situation many times. And I think what they say about your outer reality changing along with your inner self is true because I've shed so many versions of myself, I lost count and when I observe someone from a specific time in my life it feels like they're still there. Like they belonged there, so they internally stayed the same and they physically stayed there - idk how to explain it. I also feel like my appearance does not correspond with who I am. I've been feeling like that for a long time now actually. For example, I've been taught to always make safe choices with what i wear and how i match garments with each other, but that way of carrying pieces of clothing has nothing to do with me since I am everything but noncontroversial and safe. But maybe I'm going along with that style because like my clothes, I've been trying to fade out my opinions and the way that i behave and the way that i talk and the way that i voice my opinions, too. So that makes me think about - what if everything else I've been taught in my life is just like what I've been taught about what I should wear? safe and sound, when what i really am is bold and passionate. And if you're wondering why I'm so worried about clothes, well, it's not that I'm materialistic it's just that I never knew who I was, really - many people around me, many opinions, many friends groups but still for some reason no place where I belong - and that's where the shame with my self expression stemmed from (chiron in 1h in rx if u could not guess). I ALWAYS HAD ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA REGARDING WHO I WAS THEREFORE I DID NOT KNOW WHAT I LIKED THEREFORE I WAS ALWAYS STICKING TO SAFE CHOICES THAT WOULD FIT WITH ALL BUT EXPRESS NONE. AND IT MAY NOT BE LIKE THAT FOR EVERYONE, BUT FOR ME FASHION IS A STATEMENT AND ITS A TOOL FOR SELF EXPRESSION AND I USED TO SUPPRESS THE EXPRESSIVE PARTS OF ME FOR MANY MANY YEARS. And the weird thing is that now that I've been spending a loooot of time on my own, I think I'm finding the things that are me - not my family, not my friends, not my experiences, but just plainly me. I've been building my world in my head for the past year in solitude and in piece, so now I'm upholding a lot strongly an idea of who I (think I) am. Eh, anyways. As I said it's 2023 but this year's coming to an end in just 10 days. Here are my 2024 wishes (stole first three from we're not really strangers mail from today lol) - feel less awkward meeting people, have figured out what I'm doing with my life, be in a relationship that's actually going somewhere (but like defeating the need of sabotaging anything that might be good first pls), feeling secure in myself and catching the hollow voices in my head that really are just echoes of my past, and last but not least get few steps closer to self realization - a single thing that actually matters in this weird world.

[catcze]

Hi Aphrodite! Hope you're having a nice day 🫶

Feel free to ignore this, but I was wondering how you're so confident?/gen. I see you talk very positively about yourself, and I'm glad that yuo are ♡ but I was wondering if you had any advice? I've struggled to accept compliments and to be confident, so I really want to get to the same level you are one day. Thank you in advanced, and many kisses for miss Aphrodite 🫶🫶

Hello darling !! I'll try to do my best to tell you what works for me aside from just 'be yourself' lmao Side note most of these tips are regarding confidence in physical appearance, since that is where most of my own confidence stems from.

Real talk tho confidence is like,,, smthn that does take some work to get. When I wasn't as confident as I am rn, one of the things that helped me grow confident & learn to be more accepting of compliments is to act confident. When I used to be a model, some of the basic advice we were given to appear confident in whatever we wore was to have straight posture, keep your eyes level, chin up, place your whole foot on the floor with each step and walk at a casual pace that is neither too fast nor too slow. Acting confident might not immediately give you confidence, but in my experience, it sort of made me get used to the feeling of appearing confident so much to the point that i just kind of eventually became confident, and compliments become easier to accept.

Dressing up in a way that you like and in clothes that make you feel like hot shit really helps tbh

Being less self-deprecating and more complementary towards yourself helps too! Before, to help me feel more confident, I used to try to compliment myself in the mirror. Some days when I was grasping for something to say abt my features, I'd instead compliment things like my jewelry or nails or makeup or my clothes or smthn. Doing smthn like that is a small thing and honestly from an outsider's perspective it could seem vain or stupid but lmao who fucking cares imo that shit builds up over time and it really helps.

Being around people who match your vibe is good because imo when you're around people who won't just give you a generic 'oh yeah you look good' but will say smthn like 'your top is really cute! the fit really suits you and the color really compliments your skin tone' or smthn like that it makes you feel fucking amazing

Learn what your angles are. This is super important because sometimes (from my experience at least) a terrible fucking photo could be a real hit to your low confidence. And like obvi everyone has a good angle and then a great angle, and it just takes some posing in a mirror and some trial and error to see what looks good. Using those angles in your own photos or in photos with friends can make you look and feel absolutely fuckin fire.

I’ll jsut,,, end that there bc lowkey I think I was starting to stray a teeny bit from the original ask towards the end HAHAHA I hope these help though? Keep in mind that these are just what worked for me so I can’t say for certain that these will work for everyone, but I still hope that they could help somehow!

[rusty-phasma]

Nsfw alphabet for Pierre Bezukhov

A/N: i love Pierre so much, haha. I have two more Nsfw alphabets in my drafts, but they are unfinished lol.

Warnings: this is smut, also unprotected sex, minors dni. If you feel like this needs more warnings, please let me know.

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

He is the absolute king of aftercare, so sweet, so soft and most of all so caring. He always makes sure you are okay and comfortable and if you want a bath he'll run it for you and help you. All in all 1000000/10.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

I am a firm believer of the fact that Pierre is an ass man, so on you ass, he loves everything about you your eyes, mouth, hair, everything, but if he had to choose, your eyes. On himself i think it would be his eyes or hands, he doesn't really like himself, he's always been stigmatized for not just being a "bâtard" but for his appearance (i don't understand why, but ok) so liking something that is a part of him will be hard, but he likes his eyes because of how expressive they are, and his hands because he is able to feel you with them, he adores you.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Mans a good old fashioned gent, so he loves cumming inside you, either your mouth or your pussy, also loves the thought of claiming you that way, you are his and he's yours,

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Pierre absolutely loves fucking you before you receive guests. I think it stems from his past marriage and the fact that he is quite possessive of you, so the idea of his seed running down your legs and smearing on your shift has him ready to go again as soon as the guests leave.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

He definitely has experience, from before Helene, but it is not much. But he is a quick learner, he definitely wants to learn how to make you feel good.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

He loves to have you on top, you look absolutely ethereal and in a way he likes you having control, but there are days (when you are expecting visits) that he puts you against a wall or on his desk/dining table. But we all know this guy wants children so mating press too.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Sometimes, but not in the "will crack a joke" way, no, he will be fucking you and sometimes he will slip out and you both laugh, or you will tickle him and he will tickle you. You guys have fun together. <3

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

This man straight up has never done anything about his pubic hair, even if it was in style, he just can't be bothered, lucky for him it isn't because it is the 1800 and most russian men didn't really shave. I think his pubes would be darker than his hair.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Mans a romantic at heart so he will always be intimate, all the time. He will always show you how much he loves you, how lucky he feels to be with you. He is all adoring eyes and sweet kisses, even if it is just a quick fuck, he will find a way to make it intimate.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Since he got with you he never does it, why do it himself when you can do it for him? And making you feel good? He loves it, so no, not really. But before he was with you he used to masturbate a lot, i hc he has quite the libido, so yeah.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Well, breeding kink is definitely there, he really wants children, also i think he'd be into very light degrading, being degraded but not harshly by you, and praising, giving you praise and receiving it, also i don't know if it counts as kink but he wants you to dom him. I am SURE he has a size kink, specially because he is quite the large man, so you being smaller does it for him, also body worshiping, he quite literally worships you.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

In his bedroom and his study, most of the times because his manor is riddled with servants and he doesn't want to make them or you uncomfortable, but if you are gonna have visits, he will fuck you wherever you are.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Again, i am sure he has quite the libido, the smallest things will get him going, you smiled a little too long at him? He's ready to go, but he loves your teasing, tease him verbally and he will pop a boner.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He would never hurt you in any way, never gets rougher than a spank and even then he feels guilt (quickly subdued by the fact that you clenched around him when he did it), and would definitely not share you EVER, what he went through with Helene left him kinda paranoid and the mere thought of you with another man (or woman) makes him want to cry.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

He likes giving more than receiving and is absolutely cracked at giving head, he will have you moaning and cumming in less that five minutes, but he likes to bide his time, slowly unraveling you with his tongue and fingers.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Depends, are guests coming or is he jealous, mad or just frustrated? He will absolutely rail you; but when he is feeling normal he likes the pace to be slow and sensual, he literally worships you.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Only in those situations, you never really understood why the only times when you had quickies was when you were gonna have visits until he hesitantly told you his story with Helene and you connected the dots together. Otherwise, he loves taking his time.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

He really won't take that many risks, unless you want to do something risky, he will never say no to you (but please please please respect his boundaries).

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

He can go up to three rounds, after that he has to sleep a little bit, but he takes a while to cum, so you both go to sleep quite satiated.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

You guys don't really have any sex toys, like there were dildos back then but they weren't really thaaat common. Maybe he'll get some fine silk to make blindfolds that you both use.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He doesn't really tease you, but loves when you do, nothing turns him on like being teased by you.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

He is quite loud, specially if you are in your room he just fills the room with moans, whimpers and groans, and let's be honest, you love it and tease him for it, which makes him let out a loud whimper.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

The idea of you pregnant makes him rock hard, the thought of your large belly and your breasts full of milk really does it for him.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Mmmmh i say he is large but not huge, around maybe 7 inches, but he is really girthy.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Oh it is high, he is still quite young and energetic so yeah, he is almost always ready to go.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

After you, he likes to admire your face while you sleep, so peaceful and beautiful in his arms, he falls asleep soon after though.

Thank you for reading! 🤎

[yoonpobs]

10 years | ksj

pairing: kim seokjin x oc (ft. brother!jimin)

genre: brother's best friend, angst, forgiveness?, teeny tiny fluff (it's barely there lol)

words: 7, 294

summary: 10 years change people but you still remember

"Why are you freaking out?" Isabelle is attempting to get you to stay in one position, but it's fruitless when all you do is pace back and forth in the space of the changing rooms when you hear people barking orders from the outside.

"Why aren't you freaking out?" You exasperate.

Isabelle glares at you, nimble hands reaching to tighten the lace corset around your waist in one swift motion; turning your body to face her as she does her job of primping you up.

"You're being dramatic." She rolls her eyes.

You huff.

You loved Isabelle, probably because she's been working for your family for years and that she was the mother figure in your life that you never could have gotten from your own biological one—but also because she was the only person that knew her way around that thorny mind of yours.

"What would you do if you haven't seen someone in over ten years and the last memory you have with them is bitter?" You say in a hushed whisper.

Isabelle's eyes soften, hands reaching out to rest on your shoulders as your head droops, anxiety blooming in your chest even if you weren't the one getting married today.

"What can you do but say hello?" She says, "Time doesn't stop for anyone, _____."

You sigh, fiddling with your fingers when you hear the rustles of the curtains, causing both of your heads to turn towards the source of the noise.

"_____, your brother is asking for you." Lea, your brother's wedding planner, peeks her head through the curtains to call you.

Your heart betrays your seemingly calm stature as you begin to perspire, terrified of being face to face with the person that you should've been most excited to see.

"Time's up, ______. You can't run forever." Isabelle says, eyes solemn.

"You'd think being an adult would mean you grow out of old habits ..." Jimin mutters, glaring at you when you finally make your appearance at the rehearsal dinner.

You stick your tongue out at him petulantly, unable to forget the fact that he was no longer the older brother that you hero-worshipped because he excelled in everything that he did, nor was he the kid that stole your figurines to spite you. He was a man, older and more mature—with a wedding to celebrate the beginning of a new life with his partner.

He looks nervous, you can tell because you know Jimin better than most—a position you begrudgingly gave up in replacement of his wife, Risa—so you offer him a squeeze of his shoulder, and a look to tell him that you were here, and he was okay.

Jimin accepts it with a small smile of gratitude, moving aside so you could take your seat on the VIP table where most of his important guests sat, meaning your parents, Risa's parents, the best man and the maid of honour.

From the moment you stepped foot into the hall, you spot the person that should have been unfamiliar to you, but all you can remember is what was the best years of your life that was taken away from you. It should've been hard to spot him through the pastels and people, but you've always had eyes for him—the foolish lens of a girl that didn't want to grow up.

Even as you seat at the table, mingling with your future sister-in-law, and the maid of honour, along with Risa's parents, you can't bring yourself to acknowledge him just yet, and he has yet to make it known that he acknowledges you too.

Perhaps it was the pettiness from both ends. The fact that neither of you wanted to step down just yet, the last known interaction between the both of you only causing your heart to constrict further. You wonder if he remembers you the way you have with him.

"______," Risa calls your name, leaning in to whisper into your ear as you snap your focus on her.

"Hey, sorry." You mumble, scratching your neck, "Was a little distracted."

Risa offers you an understanding smile and you're grateful to the heaven's above that Jimin managed to make a woman like her fall in love with him. It was a far better alternative and change from the demons he used to go for as a high schooler, and you fondly (but not really) remember fighting off crazy exes when your brother decided that they weren't his long-term.

"Is this about ..." You can tell Risa hesitates to say his name, knowing the matter was still a fresh wound for you even if you had a decade to heal.

You sigh, reaching for her hand to give it a squeeze, mustering a strong front so she wouldn't worry anymore.

"Don't worry about me. It's your special day." You remind her with a soft smile.

She scoffs.

"Not yet. This is to ensure nothing goes to shit and no one gets left at the altar on a real day." She mutters.

You giggle, and even Jimin picks up on his soon-to-be wife's comment and pinches her hip, giving her a glare that lacked any real malice. You observe the way Jimin leans into his fiancee's touch when she reaches for his hand, a gesture so simple but carried the weight of lovers that wholly trusted each other.

Sometimes you envied Jimin. Throughout your adolescent years, you were always pinned against him for reasons that you still cannot justify.

The two of you were fundamentally different in nature. Jimin was a quiet kid, but his actions were the ones that spoke for him instead. For what he couldn't say in words, he made up for through the results of his actions. As a younger sibling, watching Jimin excel in every activity that he sets his mind to make you worship him, wanting to be as talented and ambitious as he was.

If he did kendo, you'd sign up so you could carry on the legacy of his talent. When he ran for class president, so did you in your own grades. Everything was always stemmed around Jimin and what he did.

Even if he was quiet, he naturally took the lead in doing things. Where you were the polar opposite. A louder than life personality should have made you the proactive one, but deep down you were meek, timid and terrified of doing things out of your comfort zone.

It did hit a sore spot for you and Jimin's relationship when he grew up enough to no longer facilitate his baby sister's incessant whines and tugs to join him in his activities. You remember the day clearly when he told you that you were nothing but an extension of him.

When you look back, you can think of it as a fond memory of two teenagers that were horrible at speaking about their feelings, but you remember the hurt you felt; only wanting to be a part of Jimin's life when he wanted to be on his own.

It took a few years to repair the relationship that was fragile, to begin with, and it wasn't just the effort of you or Jimin, but—

"Hyung, do you need to run the video through IT to check if it's playable?"

You're brought back to the present when Jimin's voice breaks you out of your thoughts, and you instantly know who he's referring to.

The only person that he could comfortably refer to as 'hyung' was the only person that you have yet to greet, or acknowledge.

"I see what you're doing, Park. You're not seeing this video until the 13th."

The rest of the people at the table laugh at the banter between best friend's, but you remain uncharacteristically silent. No one picks up on it—or if they did, they know well enough not to point it out for the sake of maintaining normalcy at the table.

You listen attentively to the briefing run down by Lea, and you smile fondly at the fire that the young wedding planner carried in herself. She was meticulous, and you only had Risa to thank for managing to get the most dedicated wedding planner that you were sure was out there.

Eventually, you had to practice the walk-in from the runway, up until the altar behind where the bride and groom were to be situated. That meant you have shuffled around under Lea's commands, and that you caught more of his appearance than you would have liked.

Of course, he grew up beautifully. He had always been exceptionally good-looking even from when you were in high school up to your early college years. The birth lottery definitely favoured some people, and he was on the top of the list.

But he no longer had the same youthful charm that he did when you last saw him at 23. He looked rougher around the edges, lines on his face that come with time and experience, the stroke of a paintbrush that you weren't there to witness. Age did him well—and you couldn't deny the fact that as he grew, he also grew more attractive. The assuredness that comes with age, and the physique that you can only appreciate from afar.

The suit he's wearing is ever so flattering on his broad shoulders. He followed the theme well, a black blazer, with a deep-maroon sash draped over his shoulders. You applaud the designer that had done the fitting for him because it looked perfect, quite literally like it was made for him.

You feel mediocre immediately. The dress you were wearing was stunning—in the most objective sense—and you had a matching coloured sash that was draped around your hips instead, the corset accentuating your figure. But you were still far from comparison from him. You always have been.

"_____, could you please stand next to Jin?" Lea's voice calls out an order from the front of the altar, waving her notebook at you to step aside.

Your eyes widen as you feel the blood in your face drain, hearing your new position for the photo session.

You don't want to throw anyone off, or make Jimin's special day about you—so you suck it up, take a deep breath and shuffle into position next to Jin.

His presence is overwhelming. It's like he's there but he isn't. He doesn't feel like he's there, probably because of how long the two of you haven't spoken to each other, basically strangers. You don't acknowledge him even when your shoulder accidentally brushes against his arm, and you definitely don't acknowledge him when Lea smiles at the two of you and says perfect.

You see Risa's concerned stare on the two of you, but you give her a tight smile and mouth to her to focus on what Lea's saying instead. She narrows her eyes at you but finally relents when you nod your head to tell her that it was fine.

You were older. You weren't going to let some ... you didn't even know what to call it. But you weren't going to let the past make you feel uncomfortable when the future hasn't been told just yet.

"Jin—could you loosen up a little? It looks like you're constipated and your face isn't going to make up for that on camera," Lea deadpans, shooting a blunt comment straight at Jin.

He flushes beside you, but you don't look at him to know that because you hypothesised that he still has the same habit of his ear's turning red if all attention is on him.

"You and I know my face would've been the highlight of the picture if it weren't for the lovebirds." He quips back.

You can't find it in yourself to laugh yet when others do, but you look down at your feet to pretend like you were distracted.

Even his voice sounds more like himself. He had always been Jin, but it's like he grew out of the mould he forced himself into when you last saw him; a more relaxed yet determined version of the past that no longer exists.

"Jin!" Lea calls out.

"That seems to be your favourite word today ..." Jin mutters, which causes Jimin to snort at his best friend's antics.

Risa slaps your brother on his shoulder and narrows her eyes at him, and it's comical how fast she managed to get him to neutralise his expression.

"For a very good reason," Lea retorts, "Could you hold _____ by the waist? The space between the two of you looks too awkward."

If only she knew.

This was possibly the situation that you wanted to avoid the most, not even acknowledging him yourself, or his name to say hello—but he had to hold you close like you were something to him.

"Shouldn't he be holding the maid of honour—?" You helplessly try to reason, but the words get stuck in your throat when Lea glares at you.

For someone younger than you, and smaller than you in height too—she was terrified when she had to be.

"It's ... fine," Jin says after a beat of silence.

Then, his hand snakes around your waist so snug as he pulls you slightly closer to him that you almost lose your footing.

You gulp, unable to ignore the heat of his grasp or the way that it feels so natural as he rests his palm loosely on your hips, fingers drumming against the bone absentmindedly as Lea directs the photographer with angles that she best believe captures the moment.

When the photographer begins the countdown, you force a smile as genuine as you can, while Jin squeezes your hips as the shutter goes off.

"You two looked comfy." Jimin slides into the seat next to you after the rehearsal, rubbing on his eye with a cotton pad to remove the makeup that was applied on him.

You scowl, swatting his hand away to berate him for causing wrinkles so early on as he huffs at your adamancy.

"Don't ignore me," He pokes your side as you sigh.

"Then don't overthink it, okay? It was for the picture." You grumble, eyes focused on the bits and bobs of makeup tools at the vanity inside the changing rooms.

You can feel Jimin's stare on you, as well as how hard he thinks. Call it a sibling intuition, but you knew exactly when he was overanalysing situations, and you felt that at this exact moment.

"You know you have to speak to him eventually, right?" Jimin says after a while.

You freeze, fingers pausing as you tap against the table. Your eyes meet Jimin's through the mirror and you know he's serious, his expression says it all. But he wasn't there when it happened, and he wasn't you to feel how it felt.

"I went for ten years without talking to him. Another ten won't be hard." You clip.

Jimin sighs, turning his body to face you as you keep your shoulders towards him. It feels very much like when you were younger when Jimin sat you down to lecture you about your behaviour, or reprimanding you for doing certain things to keep you safe.

But it's vastly different. You're twenty-eight now, and you no longer took Jimin's words as the word of God, and he knew that.

"I don't know what exactly what went down between the two of you but according to Jin—"

"And you don't need to. It's been ages, Jimin. I've moved on." You snap.

Jimin purses his lips, seeing the way you're beginning to draw up all your walls against him again. It makes his heart clench because there was a time where you would have told him everything, where you would have confided him when you were having troubles. But he knew he ruined that relationship himself, and even if it's been over a decade since that fight the two of you had, the scar of the experience would always be there to haunt you both.

He knew you didn't hold it against him anymore, but he also recognised the way you'd subtly pull away sometimes, the reason why you never visited as often as you said you would in your infrequent phone calls.

"I'm just ..." He mumbles, looking at you earnestly but you don't return the stare, "I'm worried, ______."

You scoff.

"You don't need to. I won't cause a scene at your wedding, okay? I—I'm not like that ..." You start off strong, but finish in a soft whisper.

Jimin's eyes soften when he reaches a hand to rest against your shoulder.

"That's not what I meant." He sighs.

"Whatever it is that you meant just ... forget it, okay? I'm a grown-up now. I'm not your baby sister anymore." You tell him.

He flinches at the bluntness of your words but knows that you don't mean any harm to them. It was the truth that he had a hard time accepting, especially when he could've been there for you more during the years of university and the beginning of your work-life.

"I ..." Jimin trails off.

You sigh, turning around to finally face him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that," You wince, "It's just that ... you don't need to worry about my battles anymore, Jimin. I've learnt how to deal with them on my own and you have your own set of things to worry about. I'll always be your sister, and nothing will change that—but I'm just not the same, impressionable girl I was a decade ago."

Jimin bites his lip as he mulls over your words, a fact hard for him to accept but nevertheless, he must. He always had the tendency to be overprotective and possessive, whether it be of his relationships, activities or belongings—it was an ugly trait that got the best of him from time to time.

He knew deep down, that he played a part in why you and Jin are so sour with each other, and he can't easily get rid of that guilt.

"I know, I know," He exhales, "If that's the case then ..."

You raise an eyebrow, willing him to continue.

"Then?"

"Don't let me be the reason why you can't fight your battles," He tells you softly.

Your expression remains stoic, but you internally agree with what he says. You'd never blame Jimin, and you knew it was irrational to do so—but the ugly feeling of needing someone to blame that wasn't yourself or Jin was dominant in your conscious.

"I promise." You smile at him extending your pinky finger out, and he grins at the old ritual the two of you would do as kids.

"Good." He ruffles your hair, and you glare at him when he messes up your up-do that Isabelle spent a long time on.

"Dude!" You whine, but he snickers at your reaction.

"Ah, can't believe that I'm getting married in a week." He adds as he stares at the ceiling.

You smile to yourself and nod your head in agreement.

"Remember when you told me you were going to marry Hana?" You snort.

He grimaces, the memories of his college self resurfacing at the reminder of his ex-girlfriend's name.

"Thank God you snapped me out of it," He whistles lowly, "She was fucking insane."

You chuckle at that because Jimin sure had a type, and it was the insane girls with daddy issues. Even Risa was a little crazy but she had a good heart to make up for it.

"It seems to be a trend with you." You shrug your shoulders.

He narrows his eyes at you and flicks you on the forehead before he glances down at his watch to curse under his breath.

"Fuck. I have a meeting at the office," He groans.

Your lips tilt upwards at his distraught as you pat him on the shoulder, gesturing him to leave.

"Don't worry. I'll find my way home."

"Are you sure—"

"Yes, Jimin—I'm sure. Now leave before they find a new CEO." You quip teasingly.

He thanks you, and presses a kiss onto your forehead before he scampers off, grabbing at his coat before he's out the door.

Once he's out of the room, you sigh to yourself; suddenly oddly nostalgic at your childhood, up to teenage memories as you and Jimin were speaking about it.

You purse your lips, unable to get Jin out of your head even when you look back to all the fun times you had as a teenager because he's always been there ... until he wasn't.

You wince, remembering the day it happened so clearly.

The smell of burnt something pricks the air and you only have yourself to blame.

You curse when you see clouds of black smoke escaping the small vents of your oven, the shady proof of how horrible you were at baking even if it was for a cause that resonated deeply in your heart.

You were thankful that your mom wasn’t home to witness your blunder because she surely would have yapped your ear off for trusting your clumsy self in the kitchen, let alone baking a recipe that was far out of your skill range.

“Why does it smell like—_____, really?” Jimin’s voice enters your thoughts as he ascends down the stairs of your home to spot you hastily fanning the smoke away with your mittens.

“Can you shut up and help me?” You hiss.

He laughs, loud and clear as he clutches his stomach to control his body.

“Dude—why?” He wheezes.

You chuck one of the mittens at him when he finally enters the kitchen, body moving at its own accord to get the trash bin along with the mitten that you threw at him while he pushes your body aside.

“Jin’s leaving tomorrow so I thought I would make some of his favourite shortbreads …” You mutter.

Jimin gracefully plucks out the burnt batch of shortbread and chucks it into the waste bin as you pout at your efforts being thrown away.

“And you didn’t bother asking for help when you know he gets his shortbread’s from a bakery?” He deadpans.

You roll your eyes and wipe your hands on your apron as you sigh.

“Look—I wasn’t thinking and now I don’t have anything to give him before he leaves!” You pout.

Jimin eyes you suspiciously and raises an eyebrow as he leans against the counter to observe your sullen expression.

“So? It’s not like he’d care.”

You glare at him.

“Well—I care.” You retort.

Jimin is silent for a moment before his eyes widen, his body inching closer to yours as if he found out something that he needed to tell you.

“Do you … do you like Jin?” Jimin gasps.

Your eyes widen, cheeks reddening simultaneously as you quickly shake your head to deny the fact—even though your heart and face betray you.

“W-What?” You squeak, “Of course not! It’s just a nice gesture to send him off.”

Jimin scoffs and narrows his eyes at you accusingly.

“Then why did you go out of your way to bake him something he likes when you know you’re hopeless in the kitchen?”

You roll your eyes, hoping your nonchalance plays off well enough to distract Jimin from the way your handshakes at the prospect of being caught.

“He’s my friend, Jimin. I do nice things for my friends sometimes.”

Jimin looks like he doesn’t believe you, and you wish that for one moment he wouldn’t use his brain to overthink your words or the sibling telepathy he claims to have to unravel your heart’s true intentions.

“He’s my best friend. Aren’t I supposed to be the one doing all of …” He gestures to the mess of the kitchen you left it in, “… this?”

“Well you don’t own him and you definitely don’t pick who Jin’s friends with. So fuck off will you?” You snap.

Jimin narrows his eyes at you.

“He’s five years older than you.” He reminds you slowly.

You sigh, busying yourself with cleaning up the kitchen counter.

“And? You’re two years older than me but you don’t see me condemning our sibling-ship.” You retort.

“That’s not what I meant,” He groans, “He doesn’t need a kid having a crush on him, okay? He’s off to university.”

The way Jimin uses the word ‘kid’ doesn’t sit well with you, as if to tell you that you were inferior to him and Jin because you were younger than him. But you weren’t far off, and heck, you’d argue that you were far more mature than your brother or any of his friends.

“I’m graduating high school this year.” You sneer.

“And Jin is off to university!” He exasperates.

“I don’t know what your problem is because I—don’t—have—a—crush—on—him!” You emphasise with a shove of your finger to his chest with every word.

“You better not because that’ll be weird. I don’t need my sister crushing on my best friend.” He scrunches his nose when he says that.

The drop of your heart is inevitable, but you’ve long decided that you don’t live your life to please Jimin anymore, and what you wanted what was what mattered.

“Yeah, yeah,” You wave him off, chucking the last bit of your dishes into the sink before you glance over at the clock.

“Tell mom I’ll be out!” You say, throwing off your apron as you quickly check your appearance when you grab for your car keys.

“Where are you going?” Jimin asks.

You glare at him, slipping on your shoes as quickly as you possibly can before you call out to him, halfway out the door:

“Jin’s!”

“Oh, hey _____.” Jin is surprised when you turn up on his doorstep.

“Hey yourself,” You smile, stepping in after you’ve slipped your shoes off.

“What … what are you doing here?” He asks when the two of you make your way up to his room, after offering a greeting to his parents and brother in the kitchen.

You flop on to the beanbag at the corner of his room and give him a knowing stare.

“You’re leaving tomorrow.” You say.

He nods his head, understanding as he glances around his barren room, most of his belongings packed away in his luggage.

“Are you here to say goodbye?” He teases.

You scoff.

“I suppose.” You shrug, “There was supposed to be shortbread too but …”

He laughs, a sound that you’ve come to adore, even as a young girl you always thought Jin was the funniest person ever. When Jimin would argue that he was funnier, you’d always jump to defend Jin’s ability to make you laugh instead.

“I appreciate the sentiment,” He says to you, plopping down to sit across from you.

“I can’t believe you’re leaving.” You sigh, resting your head against the plushness of the beanbag.

Jin snorts.

“Why does it sound like I’m never coming back?” He jokes.

“Well, for starters, you’re going to be in a completely different time-zone. Two, flight tickets get super expensive during the holiday season’s so I doubt you’d be back. And three—you’d probably make cool university friends keep you company so that you wouldn’t wanna’ come back anyways.”

Jin looks at you, lips twitching upwards as you complain.

“You … you thought that through, huh?”

You roll your eyes, chucking a figurine in his direction.

“Just, promise to call?” You whisper.

He smiles softly at you and nods.

“Course’. I’ll ring Jimin up and we can all talk.”

You blink at his choice of words, afraid he’s misunderstood your point.

“I mean … you can call me …” You mutter.

Jin pauses for a moment, before catching himself and chuckling softly under his breath.

“Wouldn’t that be kind of weird …?”

His choice of words only reminds you of Jimin’s tone when he warned you against your apparent (but very present) crush on Jin.

“Why would it be weird?” You tilt your head to the side.

He snorts at your question and you frown because you don’t understand what aspect of it was funny at all.

“Come on, you’re Jimin’s baby sister. If I called you it would seem predatorial, won’t it? I’m literally five years older than you.”

You don’t think he means to sound condescending, but the tone of his words definitely come across that way. You bite your tongue to not say anything rash just yet, as you take a deep breath before you respond.

“We’re friends … and I turn eighteen in June.” You remind him about your birthday coming in two months.

He shrugs.

“Yes but it’s still weird. It would just seem like we’re together, you know?”

His words make you freeze, eyes widening at his implication.

“Would that be such a bad thing …?” You whisper, and the words leave your mouth before you can think twice.

Jin hears you loud and clear, and his eyes widen. You see his body tense and the way he shifts away from you ever-so-slightly that it makes your heart drop.

“_____ … I don’t …” He tries to navigate the topic, but your eyes are bored straight on his face and it flusters him.

“You’re a kid, _____. I don’t date kids.” He snaps, deciding to opt for a defensive approach.

The demeaning term sets you off as you feel anger bubble through your system in bursts of hotness.

“I’m not a fucking kid!” You snap, and his eyes widen at your tone.

“Woah, calm down—”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” You lash out, “I’m not some dumb or naive child that doesn’t know what’s right or wrong, okay? I’m turning eighteen this year—and I—I thought you were better than this. How could you be so shallow?”

Jin scoffs.

“Shallow? _____,” He deadpans, “You’re just turning eighteen and I’m twenty-three. That’s a whole five-year difference. I don’t think you’re dumb but the thought of dating you right after you turn eighteen is just …” He shudders.

You still.

You didn’t know Jin could hurt you so much with just words, but he did just that. He didn’t need to say much, but you felt every sting that came with his intentions.

“Who said anything about dating?” You ask hoarsely, “I just said to call me.”

Jin softens a little, turning to face you as he sighs.

“_____ … I know you have a crush on me and—”

You’re absolutely mortified when he exposes you out in the open like that, the truth left out for both of you to mull over; but even worse for you as you were the one that was on the plank.

“Why does everyone keep saying that!” You snap, embarrassment crawling up your neck as you avoid his gaze, attempting to deflect.

“—I don’t need you waiting for me when I’m off to university. I’ll be fucking around a lot and you don’t deserve that.”

You gape at him, stunned at his audacity.

“Do you think I’m that pathetic?” You laugh, but there’s no humour in it.

“What? No—”

“Oh, you so do, Kim Seokjin,” You snarl, “Do you think I would wait for you? To live out some stupid fairytale? Yes—I have a crush on you but that’s all there is to it—a fucking crush!” You yell.

His eyes widen, attempting to reach out for you to calm you down, but you shift away.

“I’m not asking for your hand in marriage but just for a fucking phone call. I’m not even asking you to like me back!” You throw your hands into the air.

“But you’re implying it! Why else would I call some girl that I’m only friends with cause' of her brother if I didn’t like her?”

That’s all it takes for silence to overtake the both of you, your mouth stunned shut as your eyes widen at his words.

“What?” You choke.

It’s like Jin is blinded by the need to defend himself, a carnal desire to protect his own heart to make him feel less like a weirdo about the way his best friend’s little sister makes him feel. An odd feeling he never wanted to acknowledge until he acknowledged you.

“I mean exactly what I said, ____,” He spits so vehemently that he doesn’t recognise himself, “All you do is follow us around like some helpless puppy because of what—your crush on me? Get over it because I’ll never like you.”

You freeze, and your heart does too.

“Do you think I willingly talk to you? It’s because of Jimin! You’re his baby sister. What else could I do? Tell you to fuck off?” He snaps.

Your lip trembles but you will yourself not to cry in front of him. Not this boy who thinks of you that way, as someone’s baby sister rather than who you were.

“You don’t need to tell me anything,” You say, oddly calm, but your glassy eyes are what snaps Jin out of it.

“Wait … ____,” He sighs.

“I’ll fuck off myself, all right?” You grit, pushing yourself off the beanbag before you’re storming out of his room.

Jin doesn’t bother chasing after you because he’s mulling over his words, absolutely disgusted with what he said. His parents and brother miss you when you’re out the door crying.

Jimin doesn’t even ask how you were.

“Oh—”

It’s like he’s always there at your most vulnerable moments.

Jin is hovering by the entrance of the changing room awkwardly, his limbs too long for the tight space.

He startles you out of your reminiscent state as you clutch the robe to your chest, acutely aware of the fact that you were in nothing but your bra and underwear underneath it.

You flush, avoiding his eyes, afraid that if you looked at them; all you would remember is what he said to you.

“It’s fine,” You parrot the words he said to you earlier, and quickly pack your belongings, and casual clothes into a bag to make your way out back into your hotel room.

As you brush past him, he stops you with his voice.

“______.”

You freeze, hands still tightly gripping your robe as you feel his eyes rake over your body. You feel both exposed and safe, because once upon a time—Jin was the person that could comfort you the most.

“Yes?” You say in a clipped tone.

You hear him sigh, and you’re about to leave until he interrupts you again.

“How are you?”

You nearly scoff at the mediocre question he poses when the situation between the two of you is anything but. The question seems so out of place when the room is so tense, the ghost of his words here to haunt you both.

“Good.” Is all you respond with before you try to leave.

He grabs you by the elbow, gently, but enough for you to fall against his chest, his arms reaching around to grab you before you fall.

The opening to your robe falls a bit, and his eyes dart away out of respect as you quickly shove it closed with reddened ears.

“What do you want?” You snap.

He winces at your hostility but doesn’t blame you for it.

“I just wanted to catch up with you,” He shrugs.

Now, you scoff. It’s because Jin is still so irrevocably him, that in any other circumstance you’d smile in fondness at his ability to make any situation simple as if there wasn’t history between the two of you.

“Do you now?” You say blandly, “What do you want to know? I’m still Jimin’s baby sister if you were wondering.” You say bitterly.

Jin freezes and sighs when you bring it up; alluding to what he said to you that night years ago.

“Actually … I wanted to apologise,” He confesses.

At that, you still.

Apologise?

Did you need an apology? Wasn’t that what usually fixed conflict?

But no, an apology wasn’t going to fix the years of insecurity that you were left with when he was gone, always nitpicking at your flaws and your identity; wondering if it were really only an extension of your older brother.

Even though you were older, and somewhat more rational—there was still a part of you that wanted to blame Jin for your insecurities, even though you knew that was a war between you and yourself.

“For what? Calling me an extension of my brother or that our friendship was to please Jimin?” You snarl.

He winces and releases the hold he has on your elbow as he rubs his hand across his face.

“I was young and—”

You scoff.

“Young? I thought you were too old back then? Where was this energy ten years ago?”

His eyes narrow at you, and he noticed that you definitely grew a backbone—and a mouth. It was inappropriate still, to think of you any other way right now when he was attempting to apologise to you.

But your beauty was dangerous, and you’ve always been a pretty thing; even when you were growing up. The truth he uttered a decade ago was somewhat the truth still, he felt way too … old to be with you, even if his heart begged for him to keep you close.

“I don’t know why I said the things I did, _____.” He sighs.

You turn around, face contorted with every emotion you’ve been withholding since that fateful night.

“Let me tell you then,” You shove a finger into his chest.

“You’re pathetic,” You spit, hoping to hurt him as much as he’s hurt you.

His eyes widen when you lean in closer.

“You liked me too and you had no fucking clue what to do about it, so you pushed me away the one night I asked for a small favour. You wanted to protect yourself because you’re too in your head thinking that your feelings matter more than anyone else’s, am I right Jin?”

“_______ …”

“Shut up,” You snap.

He does, and he sees the fire in your eyes burn brighter.

“You thought you were the only one that was struggling with their emotions but guesses what—you weren’t,” You whisper, “I was too. And I pushed it aside every moment I spent with you because I knew that it wasn’t my position to decide for you if you liked me or not.”

His hand reaches out to cup your face, something instinctual inside of him told him to do so—wanting to hold you close. To his surprise, you don’t pull away. Your features soften, but you haven’t done your piece just yet.

“But you … you decided for me.” You say softly, “You showed me how much of a piece of shit you were that night.”

Jin’s eyes widen, and the words hurt—but nothing compared to how he felt when you blocked him everywhere, even to go as far to tell Jimin to never mention your name to him.

It sucked for the first two years, but eventually as you went to college and university, you unblocked him. Was it out of spite to let him see how well you were doing? Or the boyfriend that you had?

Maybe.

“_____, I’m sorry.”

Here he was, at thirty-four years old, apologising to you much like a man would—and you can’t help but admire his face when you lean in, heart willing yourself to act rather than your rationale.

“I forgave you a long time ago,” You say.

It seems that you shock him more and more with each second that passes. You weren’t the same girl you were a decade ago, but yet traces of you still lingered in your features, your smile, your voice and your words. It was just you, but older.

“It was for me.” You tell him softly and he nods his head in understanding, cupping your jaw.

“You have no idea how much I regret that night, ______.” He whispers.

You purse your lips.

“What will regret bring you, Jin? A do-over?”

This time he goes silent to observe your face. It’s no longer the same cold stare you’ve been giving him the entire day or the fact that you’ve been ignoring his presence until he found you tucked away in the changing room—a tip-off from Jimin.

“No but … you’re right,” He tells you, “I wanted to protect myself and it was selfish. I can’t change what I said or did but I’m here now and—my heart is still the same.”

“Ten years change people, Jin. I’ve changed and so did you. Maybe you liked the girl I was when I was eighteen but I’m nowhere near in the same mind-space I was back then.” You tell him.

Even though your own heart betrays you by beating rapidly against your chests the closer the holds you, you knew that acting out of your rationale would only end up with you being hurt yet again. You forgave Jin … sure you did. But ten years was far too long to accept the fact he may feel the same.

“I know but I couldn’t forget you, not when I was in university and not when I started working.” He confesses, eyes burning into your own.

You purse your lips and stand your ground. A hand reaches to clasp his, slowly pushing it away from your face as you sigh. You notice the crestfallen expression on his face, but you don’t comment on it.

“I forgave you but that doesn’t mean I forgot what you said to me that night …” You tell him, “I know I was young and that you aren’t responsible for my insecurities but you told me every single thing that I was terrified of.”

His eyes soften but ensuring he kept his distance when you slightly pull away.

“_____—” He sighs.

“No, Jin,” You tell him firmly, “You were the person that mended Jimin and I’s relationship so you knew how much it ruined me to believe that I was nothing but a product of his aspirations. That I had nothing for myself but who my brother was. I struggled so much to find my footing as a teenager and I didn’t even know what I liked and didn’t like it because the lines were so blurred between my own interests and Jimin’s.”

Suddenly, he sees a little glimpse of the girl when you were eighteen peakings through your exterior. You still sounded a little unsure of yourself, words shaking ever so slightly.

“And for the person to tell me that I was more than just Park Jimin’s sister to … to …” You swallow, the words stuck in your throat because as much as forgiving Jin was for him as it was to you, the words still haunt your mind.

“To say that I was just an extension of my brother?” You whisper, “I didn’t know who I was then but I lost who I tried to be when you said that.”

Jin bites his lip, feeling awful. But he knew that he had no right to feel like he was the one that was hurt when his words plagued your mind for years.

“Whatever your feelings are at this moment …” You trail off, clutching your belongings to your chest, ready to leave without another glance, “They’re just your guilt telling you to hold on to something you didn’t get closure with.”

You look over at him once more, a solemn expression on your face.

“This is your closure, Jin.”

You leave without sparing him another glance, and the man stands in the empty changing room feeling a lot different. He thought he’d amended things, but when you leave, it feels as bad as it had been ten years ago.

[beneathstarryskies]

Hi lovely! Only if you are still doing them, but could I please request a NSFW alphabet for Madara Uchiha? 😊 thank you!

Madara Uchiha x Fem!Reader NSFW Alphabet

(Smutty goodness under the cut)

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Madara can be a bit distant after sex. If things got particularly rough (and they usually do) he’ll tell you how good you were for him. After that, he kind of likes to be loved on a bit. 

Sex can be a very vulnerable act, and Madara can get a little overwhelmed because he’s not someone who is used to feeling vulnerable. Just let him lay his head on your chest while you play with his hair and listen to him talk quietly about what’s going through his mind.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

His eyes of course. They’re powerful and he can use them to memorize every inch of you. Not to mention they heighten his experience because he becomes so much more aware of your movements and reactions. 

On his partner, it’s probably a tie between the hips and hands. He loves gripping onto your hips and guiding you against him. He also really just enjoys feeling your hands all over him whether your touches are gentle or rougher. He can’t choose, and honestly, he wouldn’t entertain such a silly topic even if you asked. 

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Madara definitely wants to cum inside you. This stems from the fact that he’s got a super strong breeding kink. He’s a little bit obsessed with filling you with his seed then staying inside of you to make sure none of it drips out. If a single drop spills out he’ll be like, “So wasteful. Looks like we have to start again.” 

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He wants to have a threesome with you and Hashirama really badly. Once he’s super comfortable, he may mention it to you. If you’re not into it, he would never force you to do it. It’s just something he’d be really curious about, and maybe even consider a polyamorous relationship. 

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

He’s definitely got some experience. Mostly super casual and not exactly intimate. A one-night stand or quickie here and there. He’s learned a bit about what to do to please a partner, but in the past, he hasn’t actually cared much. Once he’s committed, he’ll have to learn how to be intimate. 

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

In general, he prefers positions where he’s dominant. Even if you’re on top he’s gonna be holding onto you and taking charge. Doggy style might be his favorite. He’ll have one hand on your hips guiding you on his cock while the other hand is buried in your hair. 

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Madara doesn’t have much of a sense of humor. Sometimes you might find him amusing because he can be a little bratty if things aren’t going his way, but he wouldn’t be funny on purpose. 

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Madara isn’t super hairy. He has a dark line of hair leading into his pants to a nicely groomed patch of dark hair. He is very prideful about his appearance. 

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Madara can be a mixed bag when it comes to intimacy. He can be a little distant at times, especially when the relationship is new. Just holding you down and pounding into you without much affection attached. 

However, he does become more intimate once his feelings for you grow. In fact, he becomes downright passionate once he realizes he loves you. He’ll cling onto you and press kisses (and bites) to every inch of your skin. He’ll also become more vocal with praising you. 

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Madara doesn’t masturbate very much. He has a lot of self-control, and would rather just wait until he can actually just have a proper fuck. 

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Breeding kink is his absolute number one kink. Nothing turns him on more than fucking you and telling you how he’s going to fill you up with all of his cum. He’s also big into dominating you. Spanking, degradation, blindfolds, and bondage all come into play here. Overstimulation and edging both are things Madara is super into, and they often will come into play in tandem. He’ll edge you for ages until you’re begging him to let you cum. Then he’ll overstimulate you until you’re crying. 

Madara will sprinkle some praise in there as well to remind you that no matter how much he talks shit during sex, he does really love you. 

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

The bedroom is his favorite place because he can really take his time with you. He’s not always that picky though. Sometimes if you’re both out and about and you start being bratty, he’s not above dragging you into the nearest alleyway and teaching you a lesson. 

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

When you’re being kind of a brat, he wants to teach you a lesson. If you wear a cute little outfit in front of other people and he notices others looking at you, he’ll definitely want to remind you who you belong to. The thought of having kids with you gets him going pretty easily too. 

Deep down, Madara is kind of touch starved as fuck. If you show him any kind of affection, he will absolutely be weak. He won’t admit it, of course. The softer the affection the more it turns him on. 

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

There’s not a lot that Madara wouldn’t do. Just like everyone, he has his limits. He wouldn’t be into ageplay, scat, or piss. He might get turned on by a bit of pain and seeing you cry when he’s overstimulating you, but he would never want to actually harm you in any way. 

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

He doesn’t actually have much of a preference. He enjoys both equally for different reasons. You having your mouth wrapped around his cock while he guides you and fucks your face is amazing. 

However, he also loves going down on you. He’s very good at it and can have you tinkering on the edge of climax in minutes. He loves the control he has over you in that moment. The way you tug on his hair and beg him to let you cum. He could stay between your thighs like that for hours. 

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

He can switch the pace up pretty easily. It just depends on his mood. Sometimes he wants to be rough with you and have you begging for him to give you a break. Other times he just wants to take his time to kiss you all over and fuck you slowly. 

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

He’s very open to quickies, and it is a pretty common occurrence in your relationship. When Madara wants you, he wants you as soon as possible and wherever you can find privacy. He’s not picky about that. 

Especially if he gets jealous. He has to have you as soon as possible to remind you (and kind of himself) that you’re his.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

He is absolutely game to experiment and take risks. (Especially if that risk could involve getting caught by Hashirama and him maybe joining.)

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

He can last as long as he wants. Madara is very good with edging himself and has a lot of self-control during sex. He is able to go at least three rounds if he wants. 

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Cuffs, ropes, blindfolds. Maybe a gag, but he won’t use it much because he likes hearing you beg. Maybe if you’re being too mouthy. 

He’d much rather be the one using them, but if you play your cards right you might be able to finesse your way into using them on him. 

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Madara is the biggest fucking tease in the whole world. He just loves hearing you beg and the more desperate you are (especially if you cry) the more he enjoys it. 

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

He is pretty loud. Letting his moans of pleasure come out without much regard for if anyone might hear him. He also talks a lot during sex, and the things he’ll say will be inconsistent. One moment he’s telling you what a desperate little slut you are and then the next thing that falls out of his mouth is that you’re a good girl taking his cock so well. 

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Madara really just loves boobs a lot. After sex he’ll often want to snuggle up against you and put his head on your chest. During foreplay, he’ll spend a lot of time kissing and massaging them. He’ll tease your nipples with his mouth. He just really loves boobs, and he doesn’t even care about the size. Big tits, small tits, tits somewhere in between. They’re all good to Madara. 

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Madara has a pretty big cock. Around 8 ½ inches and super thick. If you’re not super experienced beforehand, he’ll definitely have to ease it into you. 

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Madara has a super high sex drive, especially when things get serious enough for the possibility of having kids to come into the mix. He’s a little prideful, so he won’t admit how often he yearns for you. But he definitely does. 

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He doesn’t tend to fall asleep super easily after sex. In general, he doesn’t sleep much. So he’ll probably lay beside you for a long time just listening to you breathe or the two of you talking nonsense until you fall asleep.

A/N: Thank you for the request!

[hauntedselves]

On STPD and autism...

I was reading posts on your blog that differentiate between the two. I'm starting to question if I'm cluster a pwpd and stpd seems to match the closest out of everything. One bullet point in the post from askanautistic struck me as odd: people with stpd don't have stereotyped movement, all repetitive behaviors come from compulsions/beliefs, and not because it feels right.

It kind of threw me off my tracks, because I've got the ideas of reference, obsessive and intrusive thoughts, paranoia, illusions and dissociative effects, my avoidance in others is from paranoia and not the reasons it is in autism, among many other symptoms that are explained way better with stpd than autism.

So I suppose what I'm asking is, a) what other disorders can be comorbid with stpd to cause stimming because 'it feels right' and b) what would a comorbidity of autism and stpd look like?

a) stimming happens in a lot of disorders. neurodevelopmental disorders are most associated with stimming, but other disorders (like anxiety and related disorders) can involve stimming too. it's also associated with schizospec disorders (of which stpd is part of).

stimming is a way to self regulate and also deal with sensory processing, so really it could be a part of any disorder in theory.

b) you've read the posts already about stpd + autism comorbidity/differential dx, so i'm not sure what i can say that hasn't already been said? this post (that you already read) lists these common traits between asd & stpd:

Emotional expression often not congruent with context or internal experience

Pronounced difficulty understanding impact of own behaviors on others

Frequent misinterpretations of others’ motivations and behaviors

Odd, unusual, or bizarre behavior or appearance

Saying unusual or inappropriate things

Vague, circumstantial, metaphorical, over-elaborate, or stereotyped thought or speech

Reticence in social situations

Lack of initiation of social contact

so someone with both would have these traits very pronounced, and the underlying mechanisms of those symptoms (discussed in the post linked) would be because of both asd & stpd reasons

someone with both stpd & asd would have the "stpd traits confused with asd traits" and the "traits that are just stpd" from that post as well.

personally, as someone with both, i find that it's like most of my asd & stpd traits mix together, and it's not really relevant/easy to tell which disorder they stem from (like odd speech). other symptoms are more easily pinpointed as autism or schizotypal (like ideas of reference is stpd, not autism, and no eye contact is asd, not stpd). i feel like i've got the weirdness of autism mixed with the weirdness of the schizospec lol.

(sometimes i do wonder if my stpd is actually just bpd w/ psychosis + autism + trauma... but i really relate to descriptions of stpd (like this case study which could’ve been written about me), so i keep that dx)

[spotofimagines]

Rivals Last ~ Jadon Sancho

A/N: So I had this in my drafts before he signed with man united but that's fine, we move, we adapt. A third piece for the @footballffbarbiex summer challenge. Hope you enjoy it :)

Warnings: none - reader is female

Summary: You love both your brothers dearly, but being in the football world with them can make some things a little complicated.

gif by @archivesbvb - gif by @ermuellert - gif by @italynt

Being a footballer meant living in a special world. Being in a footballing family meant living in a special world too. Being the younger sister of Lucas and Theo Hernandez meant living in a really special world. But nobody told you just how crazy it would be for all three of those things to apply to you.

You truly love watching your older brothers play football. They teach you something new during every match you see; even though you play as a striker, their movements and handling of the ball always inspire you to play better. After all, it was their defensive skills that helped you become a good goal scorer growing up since they never let a tackle go unchallenged in the park and you had to find out how to manoeuvre around them. A lot easier said than done.

Currently Lucas is signed with Bayern Munich. In his time there so far, he has learnt the heritage, history, and importance of wearing the badge and defending its honour in every match they play, especially derbies. Having supported Lucas, it quickly became easy for you to support Bayern Munich too and celebrate their victories like it was your own team. You'd always managed to do it with the clubs both your brothers played for, letting the atmosphere of the fanbase carry you away.

You have just finished your second season in England with Manchester City women's team. You'd settled in nicely now, having learnt a lot of the English language and culture already. The experience was made so much easier because of the help given by your welcoming teammates and the staff that translated things into French and Spanish during your first months there.

Fans were a little disappointed during the 2019 summer transfer window when it was confirmed all three Hernandez siblings would be leaving Spain to play separately in England, Germany and Italy, joking that no one could know what might happen with you all so far away. However, to you, it made things easier, as Lucas and Theo would stop making so many awful jokes about each other's clubs, only to join forces to diss your club even more afterward. Now the only connection you have to the clubs you all play for is the want for your sibling to win with them. And it is a great feeling. A welcome change of pace.

But no new change to your life felt as good as your blossoming "relationship", situationship, whatevership, you have with Jadon Sancho.

It all started with you flirting back and forth on social media, which turned itself into countless hours of DMs no one else could see. You congratulated his goals and he congratulated your wins. All the light-hearted teasing and the warm-hearted compliments stayed in your own little bubble. The only thing peeking out was your silly inside rule that if you were going to comment on a post, it had to be emojis only, stretching to a few words if you really couldn't help yourself - but it would earn you taunts from the other for the rest of the night.

Some eagle-eyed fans noticed how you'd been liking each other's posts every time they appeared for a while now, but it just added to the fun and thrill you got from flirting with him so much.

You weren't meant to be forming a bond with Jadon. He played for your brother’s rival. He was supposed to be the enemy. Someone you should dislike with a snap of your fingers. Certainly not a boy to fall for like you have.

You couldn't help yourself. Lucas and Theo had helped you since you moved to England by being the steady rocks they always were, cheering you on from afar. Your new teammates had helped you since you moved to England by introducing fun things for you all to do together and taking you under their wings. But Jadon had helped you in a different kind of way. He gave you a new kind of comfort and reassurance when you talked. He became someone to turn to with all your interesting news and your curious problems. He told you the good places to visit around the city that he remembered from his time there and taught you English slang to make your teammates laugh. You spoke three languages to varying degrees now, and you'd managed to pick up more German vicariously through Lucas in two years faster than Jadon had done living in Germany in four years, so you'd clue him into rude German phrases you had asked Lucas about, alongside the French and Spanish swear words he used more often than English ones now when you text. 

Even though a language barrier comes up once in a while, you have both learnt behaviours from each other and crave the contact you share. Jadon was starting to drop everything to send replies to you, a change his teammates have noticed and jokingly mock him for. Little did they know the unknown girl they joke he is smitten over is the sister of their rival.

Theo is the one in your family you usually tell about the boys you go out with; boyfriends and dates have been shared with him since you were 13 and doting on your first crush. He does the same with his girlfriends; asking advice and telling you more than you need to know at times. So, when you all went home for a bit of family time around Christmas, nothing could stop him from noticing the tell-tale signs that you had something going on. He already figured out through persistence that it was another player you were getting involved with, and his insistent questioning hasn't stopped in his search for who the player is.

But you keep it hidden from Lucas, and you don't know when you'll tell him. He has been your protector since you were kids, comforting you on sad nights when no one else was there, teaching you little secrets about how to navigate through the world, he even punched a boy who teased you once at school. The idea of telling him you were chatting romantically to another player would be trouble enough, but telling him it was a Dortmund player might just end up in another schoolground incident. You hadn't wanted Theo to know for fear he'd go dishing your dirt to Lucas, but he discovered it on his own and there was nothing you could do.

Who knows what might become of this thing you have with Jadon, and lord knows your eldest brother owns a hard as nails death stare that just might do Jadon in, but for now you actually quite like having the secret. A little mystery tucked away up your sleeve.

The rush you always get when Lucas calls your phone as you're typing a text to the Englishman,  feeling as though the first words from the other end will be shouts of how he knows everything and he'll never speak to you again for keeping it a secret, fills you with dread at times. But it never is the reason he calls, and it turns out he is just making plans or has something funny to tell you. But the way your heart thumps as you go back to texting Jadon, that is part of the chase you have to admit you enjoy.

Hardcore fans online have noticed the past few months that when you do interviews in English, the odd slang term comes up during jokes - terms you hadn't used before and stem more from London boroughs than northen towns - so speculation of how you'd learnt these things easily coincided with dating rumors.

Lucas had seen the speculation online; seen fans trying to put your interactions with the Dortmund player together through both your instagram stories and comments and the tweets you both had liked about the other. Lucas had even grown suspicious of the little questions you asked him about Germany, German phrases and his lifestyle there, not knowing why you would need nor want to know those things. But Lucas doesn't believe it. He knows that you know better to mix with a Dortmund boy.

Sometimes an older brother just doesn't get it quite right…

Soon, the chance will come to really see if your connection is something you can build on. Jadon's new signing with Manchester United has been confirmed and he will be moving back to England. It is a great opportunity to get to see him more often, rather than the odd rendezvous point or clandestine trip during small breaks in the season. You'll spend more time face to face instead of over the phone. You'll get to wake up in his bed and him in yours, without needing to sneak away from hotel rooms afterwards. You'll maybe even get to go on a proper date, just the two of you, where you can flirt across the table your joined hands rest upon. Hanging out with Jadon won't be the first time you've spent time together in person. However, getting a full day with only the two of you where you won't have to pretend you hardly know who he is, and you won't have to pretend your eyes aren't meeting across the group of people you're in - it fills your stomach with knots and butterflies.

A certain pressure has fallen off you now Jadon has no growing rivalry with Lucas, but not completely. You won't be able to take back the way their teams made the other feel in the past, but the fact there won't be more of it next season comforts you a little. The biggest thing that will hold you back from going public before the new season starts will be the media, but that is an issue you can't even begin to worry about yet. You are too caught up in the excitement of being in the same town as Jadon to care. Rumours are spinning crazier than ever about you two as some of your liked tweets about his move got reposted by sports pages and fan blogs - now joking about him being your rival instead of your brother's - and yet it didn't stop you, no longer all that bothered about keeping a low profile now you both will be living away from Lucas. If he gets mad, all he will be able to do is shout down the phone, and whilst you never want that to happen, you know the time to flourish with Jadon and capitalise on the foundation you have already built is better than ever, brothers be damned.

There are big changes coming for the both of you, yet one thing will remain the same no matter the outcome of your relationship. You can't quite stop being football rivals.

[writing-with-olive]

POV: Genderfluid Reader

This post was inspired by a DM I got about Do’s and Dont’s for writing a character x genderfluid reader headcanon. Upon checking my old posts for writing genderfluid characters, I discovered they were fairly unhelpful. Enter *drumroll* THIS POST! 

***

So... I was going to write out a full do/don’t list but then I realized that pretty much it boiled down to the true but unhelpful sentiments of DIVERSITY IS A THING AND THERE’S A LOT OF IT! and BE NICE! So instead, I’ve gone with trying to describe what my experience is like as a genderfluid person, as well as some other common experiences are. Note: common experiences also boil down to “some people do x thing, but a lot of people also do the complete opposite.” just a heads up.

Gender changes, etc

How gender moves around changes for various people. In some cases in jumps around from one place to the next at random with no inbetween. In other cases, it kinda sllliiiiddes from one place to another. 

How often gender changes also varies A LOT. Sometimes a gender can change once in five days, other times it changes 2-3 times in a single hour.

If a gender change is very sudden, it can actually be momentarily distracting, sometimes enough to completely interrupt your train of thought. Other times it’s more subtle and you don’t really notice there’s been a change for a while

Some people experience only two genders (this can be boy/girl, but it can also include any combination of nonbinary genders), others experience several. 

Also, not all genders appear evenly. For example, I spend a lot of time around the agender/nonbinary/demigirl area. Sometimes I take a field trip to being a girl, or being a demiboy. Occasionally, but rarely, I’m a boy. 

TL;DR what genders are experienced and how much are SO diverse, you can pretty much do whatever you want

(lots more below the cut - expression, names/pronouns, general/more thoughts)

Expression, etc

Genderfluid people cannot decide what gender they are. They can, however, decide to what extent they will make their physical appearance match their gender. So PLEASE none of the whole “x character wakes up and as they’re getting out of bed they decide to be y gender today” It’s a lot more like “x character wakes up and decides if it’s going to be a dress and sandals kinda day or a t-shirt and cargo pants kinda day”

I think a big part of the “deciding your gender” thing comes from the question of “but if your gender’s changing all the time, how do you know?” For many people, you just KNOW it’s there, and it’s undeniable. In some cases, there are (slightly) more tangeable changes, such as how you walk/carry yourself (I tend to take up more space when I’m a guy bc mirroring or something idk), or how you react emotionally to gendered things like pronouns. 

Some people will change their style A LOT depending on their gender. Some will have a specific style, whether it’s more gender-neutral or more masculine/feminine.

Some, but not all, genderfluid people will put a change of clothes in their bag in case their gender changes. It’s a little unclear if this is widespread, but I have seen it

Regarding hormone therapy and top surgery: some genderfluid people do transition. Others don’t, either because they already feel comfortable in their own body or they feel like they’re always going to have a body/gender mismatch some of the time so why waste thousands of dollars on it. Both of these paths are very common

TL;DR: People can’t change their gender. They can make their gender expression match their gender, or choose not to.

Reference, etc

Some people will change pronouns to match whatever gender they are at the moment. A fairly significant number, however will have pronouns they use all the time, regardless of gender. 

Not everyone will switch between she/her and he/him pronouns exclusively. This misconception stems (I think) from the misconception that genderfluidity is hopping between the two sides of the boy/girl binary. Of course, if those are the genders your character experiences exclusively, that’s fine, but if you’re willing to step beyond that and write characters with more varied gender experiences, I highly reccomend it.

I don’t see a lot of people changing their name a lot to match their current gender. For the most part, someone’s name is their name.

Point 3 being said, people will change their name sometimes to a more gender-neutral name, or to a name that matches the gender they exist in most often.

TL;DR: names are often pretty static, pronouns can change or they can be static.

Thoughts, etc

For clarification, these are my thoughts on the matter, as opposed to what your average genderfluid person is thinking about (probably dragons)

The big challenge with this is just how diverse the experience is. It’s like asking “how do you write a girl? Or how do you write a ten-year-old?” the members of that group are just so diverse there really is no one size fits all.

I would recommend putting a little disclaimer about that though - just acknoweleging that there’s a lot more diversity than the one experience you’re going to be writing about.

I guess the concrete advice here is the same for writing any marginalized identity: don’t use hateful slurs, don’t kill off your only marginalized charater or make them the recipiant of all the bad stuff in the story, and don’t make them the villian especially if they’re the only marginalized character (or one of only a handful)

+++++

tagging @lunakurenai (just for this post unless you want to be tagged on future posts) and @bookdragonfanish (sorry for forgetting to tag you last time)

If you want to be on any of my taglists, check out the pinned taglist post at the top of my blog!

[alchemabotana]

Horoscopes for the Full Moon in Capricorn June 24th 2021

Antonina “Little Thunder” Whaples

@whaplesantonina

If you enjoy these horoscopes, please consider supporting by voting for me as Ms. Health and Fitness 2021 for Muscle & Fitness Hers Magazine. You can vote once every 24 hours for free. If I win, I am donating the proceeds to herbal medicine school scholarships. To vote: https://mshealthandfitness.com/2021/antonina

Strawberry Moon - Pen & Ink Sketch by Antonina Whaples 

Horoscopes for the Full Moon in Capricorn June 24th 2021

Strawberry Moon

This lunar Opening in Capricorn June 24th 2021 is a cry of righteousness on the hilly planes of our spiritual landscapes. With this meregoat’s lunation, we will experience the inherent benefits of the systematic work we’ve done since 2018, with a special emphasis on decisions made to change personal system errors. The Gods of karma are smiling at our intentions and efforts, and rewards will be reaped by those who invest in self discovery. Our ritual work has been seen and blessed in the Summer Solstice shifts by the spirits of the Land. If you listen closely on this strawberry moon, you may just hear the call of the Cosmic tricksters as they work their mojo on the psychopomp of Earthly frustrations. When you’re feeling the pull of your natal oppositions this moon, tune into the tendons of your actions and see where the motion stems from. You may be relieved to find that the strings that once pulled your puppet are made of finer ancestral threads and your permission to be free was always there. When you check into the Cosmic Chess Board you may find something of a rubix cube has emerged in your new dimensional awarenesses. Instead of throwing yourself into the equations necessary to unlock this next level, revel in the achievements that brought you to this very moment. In a cosmic landscape where the processes of life and death have been hyper focused in our collective consciousness it feels rebellious to change the font and type settings of the ancestral notepads in our minds. Representing the waters that run deeply within the Earth, Capricorn’s fullness in the night sky will illuminate various Spirits whose presence have been well established, but not necessarily recognized. A sign of the power of mental affirmation, your thoughts and words will hold a special magic in this moment. Remember that your Guides, Spirit Animals, Power Totems, Good Medicine Ancestors, and the Spirits of the Land are excellent translators, and with Mercury about to pop out of retrograde (watch out for its shadow til June 30th), its final lesson is one of the personal spiritual variety. When what we seek is Truth & Justice, we allow our souls to attune to protective forces that help us autocorrect, fold into origami, and transcend with temperance.

Aries:

It’s no surprise that an old tune holds the secret code from that earlier recording of the master tape your memory has been searching for in the old filing system. In these moments you realize just how deep and densely tracked the highways and byways of your mental system are. You’re the original wayfinder of your own uncharted territory of the mind. This state of curiosity opens you up to spiritual healing that aligns your personal ideals and values with the actions a person desires to embody. When your actions meet your words, you tend to feel the most at home in the grander machinations of Spaceship Earth.

I’m not sure if I’m feeling funky or groovy, jazzy or bluesy? Does it jive with you? Is it feeling all right? What songs have got you buzzed on this full moon night? I’m enjoying the humour of the human experience, and I find ways to incorporate positive sources of enjoyment into my daily routine. I recognize that I can be sensitive to the frequencies I consume mentally, and I’m manifesting sources of comedic gold into my awareness. I can be my own clown, and enjoy an inside-inside joke anytime my mind decides that laughter is the best medicine. I love to laugh, and allow myself this simple pleasure in life. 

Taurus: 

Saturn in Aquarius square Uranus in Taurus has been creating a nuanced ping-pong table in your mind. This influence has been upon your daily life for sometime, and shall continue on through the rest of the year, with another exact square in December 2021. Accept the exactness of this T-squared engineer level measurement on the corners of your ascension blueprints. It’s ok to look at the world from your own angles, and you may be happily surprised by the moments that unfold joyously when you use your sharpness to hone the hedges of your self doubt. There’s a special magic in this moon for you, as the meregoat lights a part of the puzzle we wanted to get done anyway. This refocused energy gives you the internal resources to wait to make your next move, even though the ones you’ve planned are quite clever already, when mercury rx clears you’ll have fine tuned your intel.

I give in to the epic bonestructure of my cosmic face in the universe. I know that on these edges are where the hedgerows grow. In these sanctuaries of my boundaries, I give spaces for things I truly want to cultivate to be engendered. I find which spaceships are allowed to dock at my intergalactic port of plenty, and make sure that my shields are up when psychic frequencies intend to disrupt my qi. When I breathe, I give space to the energy around myself, and I feel permission to let go. When I let go, I allow myself to accept instructions in the forms of feelings and intuitions. I do not allow the opinions or voices of others to upset my internal compass. I feel centered and grounded and know I will continue to make positive choices and believe in myself. I choose to honor myself, and that makes me feel good. 

Gemini: 

You’ve been carefully funneling resources into a variety of investments. Financial and interpersonal projects and alliances deepen, although it is not a time to throw caution to the wind. Caution and planning is what has allowed you to learn to trust the ebb and flow of the cosmic money winds, and you’re trying to siphon your own renewable sources, not steal from the Gods. When you place yourself in alignment with your internal resources, you can learn to embody compassion to provide yourself when feelings of self worth or insecurities prod you to feel guilty about the ways you regenerate. Let your conscience be your guide, and allow others to do the same. The path of self acceptance is most rich for you at this juncture, and it would be wise to use the Full moon to clear the psychic debris of your aura through ritual bathing, sound healing, and aromatics. 

I can sometimes turn my mirrors askance to the equations I cannot seem to readily solve. But, in doing so I lose reflections that empower me. I accept that it's time to look at some of those patterns again and see if they even deserve a place on the chalkboard of my mind. When I make space to use my memory card to run programs that make me have feelings I actually enjoy, I look into my secret box of fantasies and realize I may have already realized many of those experiences. In these moments of clarity, I hold a space for myself to enjoy what I may not have allowed myself to in the past. In this way, I take back my energy and transform myself in the present. 

Cancer:

In this moon you are finally able to feel that rebound-snap! Ka-bow! sh-zing! of Mars’ exit from your cozy airbnb. You’re reminded that you should be charging premiums for your ability to stay level-headed when the Gods and Goddesses war in the Heavens, and on Earth. You enjoy a good ritual bath, but to stay out of hot waters, this crab needs a cool-down. This Capricorn Moon is just what the doctor ordered, and something about the good medicine flowing through you can’t help but seep into certain streams where the mojo is most needed. This is an excellent time for you to pause in your personal space and take a moment to feel the beauty of your domain.

My soundtrack of life is a high luxury five star bathhouse of the Spirits. I’ve been Spirited Away to lands of emotional remembrance. The roots of my ancestors have spoken to me, and I have heard their instructions. I need not fear the judgments of others, because I am a sacred part of creation. I will not allow negative voices to infiltrate my consciousness, but instead, I will choose to believe that my work has been blessed by the Cosmic Super Computer and shall continue to have its content prioritized. In this space of trust, I allow myself to turn my consciousness to what I’ve relegated as “frivolous artistic pursuits”. I find the time and space to make something just because. When I experience this energy releasing through the act of creation, I realize why it mattered in the first place. 

Leo: 

The grass is pretty green in your patch. Both career aspirations and spiritual wealth appear to be presenting itself to you in all new fashions. You may literally be feeling called to new ways to express yourself externally, and this exploration of your presentation to the world helps you heal. You’ve been feeling called to healing in general, feeling like it may be a good time to start a new way of moving, or to add a healing ritual to your daily experience. If you happen to use stone medicine, Turquoise will be especially healing in nature during the transit of Mars through Leo, and can be just the cooling mechanism you need to keep your Roar without the bite.

Sometimes I’m just feeling high octane. When I find the right stomping grounds to release my charge I am able to do so safely through friendly communication strategies, good topics of conversation, interesting objects within my spacial periphery, and calming colors. It’s ok to turn the volume all the way up, but when the outside world adjusts its tone to match, I can switch to a different groove. I’m in awe of my co-creative power to engage my environment and use my influence therein to bring forth collective healing experiences.

Virgo: 

Something about this moon in Capricorn feels familiar to you, and perhaps it's the quiet watch you’ve held & the prayers of your heart being answered. Your physical being is finding ways to heal through your insights to your movements in daily life. As your mind/body/spirit awareness grows, you find new ways of expressing yourself. This ability to shift and transform might seem like deja vu, but it's your memories finding their way to the surface. When our minds give us abstract feelings and visions, we can move mountainous emotions safely within our systems, without harming ourselves or others. Breathe deeply and find a place to scream loudly if you need that release.

I have crossed some barren deserts, but I have not died of thirst. I am blessed with the life I have co-created in the spiritual planes of my intelligent manifestations. My awareness of the barren corners of life have given me compassionate reflective capacity and a recognition of my gifts by those whose opinions matter to me. I am enjoying the small moments of joy and call them precious to me. I forgive myself for any moments where I’ve expected too much of myself while I was grieving a loss. My heart is tender, and my spirit gentle. I wish to live in harmony with myself and others. 

Libra:

This Capricorn moon you are more annoyed than usual at laundry, other people’s messes, and scapegoating. Your sensitivity to physical objects is heightened under this Full Moon and it may feel overwhelming to be in the midst of the messes others leave for you to clean up. It’s more than frustrating when you acknowledge how your time/energy has been appropriated. Instead of letting loose the fire brigade when the bridge seems to be burning, walk away from the moments today that feel like a temptation. Make sure to find objects that reflect healthy energy back to you, and sit amidst a tiny oasis of your creation, and pay no attention to chaos of the Gods. You deserve a Full Battery, and the spirits are conspiring to recharge your battery banks this lunation.

I gather strength from my service to my community. When I have been unbalanced in the past, I allow my weight to ground in all directions through the sacred communions of my own secret tabernacles of the human experience. I make new covenants with myself and the way I speak and treat myself, so that I no longer need to suffer under the weight of the past. I don’t need to feel any guilt in laying down my load, and don’t need any permission to do so. When I feel safe, I will allow those who I trust to provide the respite necessary for me to heal my visions of my life and expand into an abundant awareness of how truly loved I am for being myself, and how needed my cosmic ray of intellect is to this world. 

Scorpio:

Known for your secrets and depth, you’ve been hiding like the Cosmic Sphinx between the pillars of the temple gates. You’ve been allowed to watch the clashes of the Giants unscathed, and your insight will outlast this passing phase of planetary tensions. You’ve been sending alien text messages to Neptune’s work phone, and the intel has been legit. Your attraction to Art, Color, Shape, Form, Music, and Theatre are encouraging you to make insightful investments in your own dreams. This Full Moon beckons you to create with abandon and let the waves of inspiration quench your desire for pleasure. 

I feel like the whole choir singing in one unison. I weave through the soundwaves, key changes, and rhythm switch-ups as I keep time with the sacred union of celestial sounds. I am aware that the tunes of the planet herself offer me a sacred respite from the cacophony of the cosmic movements. When I ground myself into the soothing waters of my spiritual essence I define for myself how my energy is used for the goodness of my own healing. 

Sagittarius: 

It feels like you’ve been getting along pretty well with the planetary forces, and everyone secretly enjoys the protection that your bow provides for the tribe. You may be feeling a bit cramped in the yellow submarine of the pandemic, dare we say you could have cabin fever? The Trines, Sextiles, and satellite signals of the skies indicate that you can find a special type of relief from the feelings of squished with mandalas, botanical drawings, and spirographs. When you take the time to let your mind journey in these ways, it lets your hunter’s mind relax for the next best chance. And no worries, you’ve got plenty of chances ahead, Sagittarius. 

Life is good. I do my hair toss, check my nails - baby how you doing? Hey, life is good. He’s got his eye on the sparrow and I guess that’s me? I’m playing with the chemistry... cause that’s how I be? When I look into the mirror I see a babe, a real dude of the neighborhood - my sister, mothers, daddy, and the community. I guess when I see you, I see me. And when I’m in that light in me, and you are in that light in you. There is only one of us: namaste my bissssssch 

Capricorn: 

This Full Moon in Capricorn you endeavour to ask outloud: “What Giant’s Bones Have We Built Ourselves Upon?” Your Full Lunation is opposing the Sun in Cancer, shining a shadow on our collective exoskeleton. This Full Moon feels like an archeological discovery when proverbial bones rattle out of the closet to give us a hoodoo prayer’s chance for self liberation. You’ve been waiting for a moment like this, and it's OK if you’re not ready to take that leap of faith. But should you choose, the moon lights up an emotional healing around the concept of “home”. You really want to know if you’re believing the right thing from one moment to the next, but keeping your head out of the secret sauce is key to giving your subconscious the space it needs right now to send out signals to the future. Soon enough you’ll be receiving confirmations of cosmic flavors right into your spiritual inbox.

I called Stephen Hawking and he called me back. My voicemail said: “Hey friend. I know this is a hard time on planet earth. I think people are doing better than they believe they are. It’s hard to be a human. I remember the constraints of the body, and I understand when you want to just fly away somewhere. I believe in you. Capricorns get a bad rap sometimes. I can see your progress, and I hope you take the time to see it too. By the way, we always have the time to say how much we matter to each other. Thanks for being, and enjoy this life, you deserve it”. 

Aquarius: 

There have been a lot of light bulbs going off in your spiritual laboratory. This Full Moon when the light shifts, your awareness of the dimensionality of the objects and purpose of your life is heightened. You may be experiencing some grief and loss around feelings of closeness with others. Recently you’ve been asked to hold a deep stability for the collective’s growth. Your actions haven’t gone unnoticed, and you’ve been receiving opportunities for advancement in your career. However, you are feeling uncomfortable with commitment while under a deep pressure to perform. These archetypal struggles are up for healing on the altar of the Full Moon. Your magic fairy dust works the best when you sprinkle it on yourself. You are learning the ways of Illuminated Prosperity.

My voice is a symphony of grace within a cacophony of sound. I breathe in the knowledge that my very existence is a miracle of my own embracing. I find myself at home in my surroundings and know I belong. Whoever “They” are, I know I can be myself around “Them”. I trust that my instincts are perfected beyond doubt. I’ve taken all the tests and quizzes and my insights are showing precision on whichever experiments have survived my tests of time and spirit. When I tune into my highest self it's because I’m recognizing my ability to be in that place no matter what surrounds me. Even when my circumstances deny me, I do not deny myself. I believe that I am worthy of the life I am living, and anticipate my surroundings shifting to match the unique vibrational fingerprint that I offer planet Earth. 

Pisces: 

You’ve been holding down some major spiritual territory during the recent seasonal shifts. The light of the meregoat acts as a lighthouse beacon for the whales and whistleblowers of your waters. You’re not particularly interested in that island, and prefer to spend this Lunation in Capricorn Gardening, Cleaning Out the Car, Writing about your art, Feeding the fairies, Calling in positivity, Releasing the Past, Testing New Grounds, and let’s just say it: looking pretty guuuuuuud while doing it. So good. You might want to tune into some whale call noises, or turn on a beachy video. The seas are definitely calling your name, and your inner explorer could watch Moana a few times through the eyes of the grandmother, the eyes of Moana, and the eyes of Te Fiti. 

I am a sound rising on the waves of creation. I turn my eyes to the heavens and I’m in the medicine nation. I forgive myself for all my wavering, I know my power lies in my cravings. I can wish upon the starry skies, and watch the birds where e’er they fly. I’m curious to know the names of all the fairies, and their games. I want to know what games I’ll win when I’m laughing with a cheshire grin. I know what gods have sent me here, I know which path I’m meant to clear. And when the waters run to quickly, or the bushes get too prickly - I can lay my spirit down. My minds’a palace, my head a crown. You could call me king or queen, but my magics’still unseen. I’m so much bigger than my titles, or whichever ones I didn’t get. I’ve given all at my recitals, and I’m my own best bet. 

[spectrumed]

2. voice

As a child I could not pronounce the letter R. I once complained to my mother for being so careless as to give me a name that had two R’s in it. Fredrik. Or as I pronounced it back then, “Fledlik.” Cute, right? I was a cute child, all blonde and with big blue eyes. At one point, I got surrounded by a group of older girls who forced me to pronounce my name, even though I really couldn’t. They laughed and laughed, teasing me for my inability to pronounce even my own name correctly. If I ever had a reason to develop a fetish for femdom, I think this would have been it.

Like it or not, in speech, there is no room for individual quirks. No, we’ve all got to learn how to speak properly. Historically, that has led to some pretty heinous attitudes towards regional accents, any tongue that was the standard was seen by default as being less or developed and intelligent. Regional accents were seen as practically unhygienic, the worry being that if people just got to speak as they wished, they might end up potentially thinking dangerous thoughts. While I understand the importance of being understood, it’s clear that the stigma that exists around speech difficulties stems from a place of prejudice. If a person has a lisp, do you really struggle to understand them? And while stammering can be quite debilitating, it should be blatantly obvious that shaming people who stammer, suggesting that they are bereft of intelligence, is not the way to help them. Humans are social animals, and language may be the one thing that distinguishes us as a species, it is natural that proper elocution should be treasured. But some people do struggle with their speech, and that should not cost them any respect or kindness.

As a child, I didn’t speak nearly enough. As an adult I am speaking too much. That’s the problem with you, Fredrik, you’ve never understood that there is a middle ground between two extremes. There is a way you can speak that is neither too quiet, nor too loud. It is how normal people speak. Why can’t you be normal, Fredrik? Are you going to spend this whole blog post talking about how difficult it is for you to simply learn to be like everyone else? Self-pitying yourself, much? Back in my day people pulled themselves up by their bootstraps, if they had something they struggled with, they learned to sort it all out, and they didn’t start complaining about society being all mean to them. You’re just spending too much time inside your own head, go take a swim, take up a hobby that requires you to step outdoors, it will serve you well. Don’t be a freak, Fredrik. Be normal, for once.

On a side note, “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps” is meant to be understood as an impossible feat. You can’t possibly pull yourself up by your bootstraps, it’s ludicrous to even suggest that such a thing may be feasible. While, yes, there are many things you can do to help yourself, ultimately, you can’t profoundly escape from a sorry situation you’ve found yourself in without some outside help. There is no shame in requiring help. To guilt someone into thinking that if they can’t do it alone, they are weak, is frankly sociopathic. Humans need each other, we take care of each other, we are there for each other. Self-sufficiency is great, but let’s not take it to levels of absurdity by suggesting that needing help from others is anything but normal. No-one succeeds in life without others there to prop them up. Instead of telling someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, you might as well tell them to go and swallow the sun, which is clearly another impossible task.

Most people will never in their lives experience what it is like to go through a neuropsychological evaluation. Turns out that it is not always such a pleasant experience. Though, considering the popularity of pseudo-scientific nonsense like the Myers-Briggs test, I am sure some folks would lie and pretend to love it. Certainly, there is a charm to being there and talking about yourself for several hours near-uninterrupted, but the exhaustion that you will feel at the end of it cannot be understated. Naturally, it does vary between who does it, and why they’re doing it. But if the stated goal is to find out whether you’ve had a neurodevelopmental disorder since you were but a young babe, then of course, there are going to be some pretty long conversations happening about those early days. Lots of stuff you may not have considered or thought about in a very long time will suddenly become very relevant to your current situation. And at the end of it all, you get some papers detailing your fashionable new diagnosis. Your entire life, all written down. Can make you feel rather wistful. And there’s really quite a surprising amount of typos included in the text, and barely any jokes.

Still, as part of my official diagnosis, there is a reference to my speech at being at times “stilted.” Though, the diagnosis does take very good care to mention that I appear intelligent and thoughtful, exhibiting a wide vocabulary and a good sense of the right words to use at the right moment. It’s flattering, for the most part. Yet, it does irk me that I could be perceived as being stilted. I know that at this point, I am being petty, because who cares if I sometimes come across as maybe a little robotic. I’ve got Asperger’s. Of course I am a robot. The closest role model we folks with Asperger’s ever had for the longest time was Star Trek: The Next Generation’s android named Data. God forbid anyone like me ever turned out to be the protagonist of a series, we’re all doomed to play the part of the robot, the alien, or the socially awkward geek. I should just be delighted that I am high-functioning. I know how much worse some have it. I should be grateful and pleased that I come across as mostly normal, mostly neurotypical. But… I really just don’t want anyone to think my speech is stilted. I don’t want to be Data. I want to be Riker.

It is never enough, you’ll never be good enough. If you fake it, they’ll see through it. If you struggle and if you work honestly to appear more normal, they won’t recognise it. As soon as they get an inkling you may be an imposter, looking like them, but having a neurologically deviant brain, they’ll single you out. For you, normalcy is an illusion. To attempt to be normal is to remake yourself only to receive nothing. Sure, you can be disingenuous, pretend you're not yourself, but it’ll never fool them. In the end, you’ll only lose yourself. Maybe I should just own the fact that my speech sometimes comes across as being stilted. Maybe I should own it. Be proud of who I am. But… sometimes I just don’t want to be me.

I want to be ignored. Sometimes, not always. But that goes for everyone. But most of all, I’d like to be able to go unseen whenever I’m not trying to impress anyone. When I’m just off to buy some milk. When I’m sitting on the bus. When I’m walking through the park. I know it is partly paranoia, but I can’t help but feel like I stick out. It’s always been like that with my friends growing up. The metaphor I used with my therapist is that I felt like a thumb. That they, my friends, were the fingers and I was the thumb. Sure, we’re similar. In many ways we’re the same. You could even say that I was crucial to making the social dynamics work. Who doesn’t like the thumb? What would you do without your thumb? But still, I was different. Some people would do anything to be different like that, to feel special. Some folks feel all invisible and forgotten in the crowd, and I’d lie if I told them that I didn’t envy them sometimes. The ability to go all invisible? That seems swell! There’s this question people like to ask as a sort of personality test. If you could choose a superpower, would you rather be able to fly, or would you rather be able to go invisible? The answer is obvious, as far as I’m concerned. Of course I’d love to be able to go invisible. To be able to exist without anyone seeing me. Without anyone judging me. Without ever having to worry if someone is going to treat me as different. For a moment to feel what it is like not to be some big, dumb, stupid, thumb.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not too anguished. Nowadays, I feel like I am in a relatively good place. But I would be lying if I told you that I still don’t get frustrated at the plethora of difficulties I face just trying to blend in. Even with family members, people who are supposed to know you the best, even then I have to go out of my way to behave a certain way, to exist a certain way, because fundamentally, they just don’t seem to get you. Not in that way. They have an image of you that you need to try and match. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell them that sometimes you need to be more direct in your communication to truly reach me, I don’t pick up on the many smaller little social cues they may throw my way, it’s still just me being silly and looking for excuses for why I didn’t understand them the first time around. And I am deathly afraid of hurting anyone’s feelings. A very prevalent misconception about autistic individuals is that we don’t care if we’re being rude. That if we are rude, our rudeness can simply be overlooked because, y’know, we’re autistic. While this sort of thing is commonly represented in media that is supposed to depict autistic characters, in real life, things don't quite work like this. Believe it or not, readers, being autistic is not a free pass to act like a dick. Autistic individuals still very much have to modulate our behaviour if we wish to fit in and be accepted. No-one will ever excuse you for being autistic. To be autistic is living with extra hurdles in your way, thinking that it’s anything but a social handicap is romanticising a diagnosis you clearly know very little about.

When I was a kid, I didn’t speak much. As far as I was concerned, I merely spoke whenever I needed to speak. It took until adulthood for me to learn that my parents and teachers were actually concerned about that. I was made to see a specialist, under the guise of learning elocution, but I’ve later come to realise that those meetings were about more than just learning to pronounce the letter R. Like, what does testing my memory have to do with diction? Yes, her job was partly to help my speech develop more in line with the other kids, but she was also there to evaluate whether or not I was intellectually disabled. I have come to learn that I had teachers at the time that were adamant about me going to a different school, more equipped to handle kids like me, but my mother vehemently defended my right to stay in the school I was in. After all, I did have friends, and to anyone who really knew me, they knew that I was a bright child. Sure, I wasn’t as communicative as the other children, but I clearly had no issues processing information, and it’s not like I was disruptive in some other way. But that was also part of the problem. The teachers that thought that I may need specialist schooling were concerned about the fact that I was too placid and too agreeable. They wanted me to express frustration at my lacking pronunciation, to see me get mad at others for not fully understanding me. That amazes me, if anything. The fact that I was a happy kid they took as some indication that I wasn’t quite right.

My mother delights in a memory of me as a kid once slamming my fist on the table and declaring that “now, I am speaking!” May I remind you that I was a cute kid. Sure, it is the sort of behaviour that parents of the old times would have spanked their kids for. Kids in the past were supposed to be quiet. To be seen, but not heard. I wonder if there’d be any kind of hubbub about my early development if I lived back then. I’d probably be seen as the ideal child, all pretty and docile and never too loud. Still, it was a moment my mother cherished, because for once, I really proved that I did have the capacity to speak. Though, I still couldn’t pronounce my R’s. But it was time for Fledlik to speak.

[kittasune]

“winter warmth”

“WINTER WARMTH”

“WINTER WARMTH”

📘┊pairing. akaashi keiji x gn!reader

🔖┊tags. post-time skip, fluff, co-worker friends to lovers, mutual pinning, holidays, seasons abloom

📚┊wc. 4.3k

📖┊note. I wrote this for akaashi’s birthday but i’ve been meaning to write this fic for a long time now. well, here’s my first fic posted on tumblr! feel free to message me your thoughts! i plan to make this an on-going series of small one-shots so… please expect more in the future.

The biting cold that accompanies the change in seasons looms over the metropolitan city of Tokyo, the city where Akaasji Keiji was born, where his career is, and most importantly; where the love of his life is – the International Library of Children’s Literature. Literature has always been one of Akaashi’s passions to pursue as it opens endless doors of opportunities that could grant him success in the future. The majority of his stress stems from his work,

“Having a job and a stable career makes you successful!”

“You should have a steady income first before you pursue your passions so you have a stable foundation to fall back on just in case things don’t work out, Akaashi-san.”

He can hear the string of back-handed compliments and empty advice he’s received from co-workers and relatives alike echo in the back of his mind, clouding his thoughts and possible future realities he wishes to envision. Literature is one of his hobbies that became his career due to his love that caused him to become attached. Manga, novels, plays, poetry, and even textbooks sometimes caught Akaashi’s attention and he couldn’t help but consume the knowledge and navigate the uncharted waters that flow through the pages in inky waves. The beautiful thought of literature that had once been untouched and pure in Akaashi’s child-like wondrous mind has now become something as lifeless as house-hold chores to check off a list.

Now, as he sits at his desk in his office cubicle eying the unsurmountable manga panels that consume more than half of his desk with their shiny patent ink and crisp lines framing the edges of each page – he can’t help but sigh.

“You know, I’ve always been told that it’s bad luck to sigh.” Akaashi perked up at the sound of ceramic hitting the surface of his white acrylic desk. He looks up to see you holding a matching mug brimming with the café nectar that he so desperately needs. 

“Is that so? You sound so sure of yourself considering that your break ended 5 minutes ago.” Akaashi hid his face in his hands to mask the upturned corners of his lips pulling into a smirk.

“Thank you for the coffee, I know that I’ll need it considering that Hide x Seek’s 100th Chapter is going to be released in this edition of Shonen Jump.”

“I heard that from Udai-san, he seemed so excited that he wanted to make this chapter special by making it holiday-themed with all the holidays being piled all together at the end of the year.” You said with a look of contemplation as you sipped the burning liquid in your mug.

“Have you read Hide x Seek before?” Akaashi leans back in his office chair and sets his gaze upon you while placing the cup next to his lips, the creaky sound apparent from the quality of wornness and evidence of sleepless nights he’s spent hunched over reviewing and editing the work assigned to him.

“I think I’ve read it once before, it’s the one where the high school students hide from an intruder but they don’t know who’s the intruder… but it ends up being the ghost of a former student that seeks to kill out of revenge and spite the higher-ups who have wronged her, right?” You said while fixating your gaze to the edge of his desk as if to recall the synopsis from memory, your coffee mug was left forgotten on Akaashi’s desk as you appear lost in your thoughts.

“Not quite, you just said the plot summary of Peek-a-boo? not Hide x Seek.”

Akaashi said while looking pointedly at your mug on his desk that would surely leave a faint circle as he knows you tend to haphazardly spill its contents as you “vigorously” stir your coffee to ensure that all additives are well-mixed. He recalls asking as to why making a vortex in a cup smaller than his hand is necessary, to which, you responded,

“I need everyone to get along harmoniously and seamlessly blend with one another, imagine drinking a cup of coffee that you’ve prepared and longed for only for it to have lumps and chunks at the bottom, no-thank-you!”

The dim grimace on your face spoke volumes of a less-than-happy experience you must have gone through and as a result, the chaotic meticulousness of your coffee shenanigans intrigued Akaashi to befriend you.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he doesn’t notice you flush red at the realization that you’ve embarrassed yourself in front of your co-worker, friend, and “potential suitor” as your friend lightly put as a shallow jab at your private love-life *hint – it’s practically non-existent.

You sigh. “Maybe I’ll give Hide x Seek a read during a vacation or something.” You mumble the words, cursing yourself for looking like a fool in front of your longtime friend, Akaashi Keiji.

The image of you grumbling and lamenting in front of Akaashi mirrors a panel sitting on his desk that has him fondly reminiscing the same image of you from last spring about how you had no one to accompany you to the Hanami Festival and so, he acquiesced to your invitation thus, establishing a tradition in your friendly relationship.

“I think it would be best to return to your desk, y/n, wouldn’t want to lose the privilege of seeing you every day and being the object of your admiration.” Akaashi propped himself up on his desk, resting his head on his forearms in a lazy slouch peering up at you with one eyebrow raised and a ghost of a smile playing upon his lips.

“You should really stop flirting with me at work, Akaashi. One of these days I might get the wrong idea and think you’re into me or something…” You chastise him while walking back to your desk which is conveniently next to Akaashi’s.

“I’m hopelessly enamored at the thought of you and it frightens me to think of a day where you’ll be missing from my side…”  Akaashi thought as he proceeded to leaf through the panels laid out strategically on his desk. He looked over at you as you started to situate yourself with your work and said, “I wouldn’t sigh if I were you, I heard that if you sigh it brings you bad luck.”

“Stop mocking me and go do your work!”

          ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––���–––

The clock struck at 5:00 P.M., then at 6:00 P.M., just right before the clock struck at 7:00 P.M. you blearily glance at the time blaring in the corner of your monitor and drift your eyes to the decorative hourglass sitting on your desk. The intricate gold timepiece hid tucked away in the corner of your desk hiding behind a framed picture of you and Akaashi posed in front of a bookstore where a work-related event took place. A faint memory surfaces from the back of your subconscious from earlier this year.

“Akaashi, why do you have a plastic apple on your desk?” You glare at the object as a red plastic apple seems so peculiar to associate with Akaashi, in your mind at least, so you questioned its purpose. Is it for sentimental reasons? Are apples his favorite type of fruit? Do apples have an artistic appeal or is it just a trend?

“It’s a tomato.” He responded, not once looking up to acknowledge your effort to engage in conversation. As Akaashi is seemingly focused on the task at hand, you further prodded with your innocent questions wanting his attention so you could lose yourself in the oceans that reside in his deep blue eyes.

“Then, why do you have a tomato on your desk?”

“Keeps me focused on the task at hand. Have you heard of the Pomodoro technique before, y/n?” Akaashi still focused on his work while you continued questioning.

“The time management one, right? I think I’ve read about it somewhere before if I’m being honest…” You lose yourself in your thoughts as you attempted to recall the correct definition from an online blog you briefly glanced at.

“Then you should know about how it helps you complete your work in a timely manner while balancing the efficacy and quality of the work produced.” Akaashi stopped in his ministrations and averts his attention to the now glaringly pointless object occupying space on his desk that was a prize Bokuto won at the Momiji-gari festival they attended together last October.

“Yes, that’s the time management aspect after all.”

“If I may then, why is it you stress about not having enough seconds in a minute, enough minutes in an hour, and not enough hours in a day to complete your work and yet have all the time to talk to me well over your allotted break time?” he swivels around in his chair to face you, steel blue eyes locked in a heated rage-ridden gaze with yours.

Too stunned to talk from the blunt harshness of his words, you reply, “Quite snappy today are we? At least I know now you pay attention when I mindlessly make a fuss about my workload.”

“I didn’t mean to offend you with my statement, I was going for light-hearted banter at best… I guess I can blame it on the weather. The heatwave must be getting the better of me.” Akaashi said while pulling at his necktie, an excuse to keep his hands preoccupied and mind distracted in avoidance from the awkward silence beginning to build between the two of you.

“Tell me about it, I never really liked summer as a season or the heat.” You crinkle your upturned nose in an act of disdain as you face the glass windows doing nothing to shield you from the overbearing sunlight pouring into the office.

“With summer comes the sun, with the sun comes light, and with light comes warmth,” Akaashi says so matter-of-factly that makes you wonder what’s his favorite holiday. He interrupts your train of thought by asking, “What’s your favorite holiday, y/n- san?”

“Winter, I like the snow. Or more of what snow symbolizes…” you trail off towards the end of your sentence deep in thought.

“Usually people like winter because of the holidays and spending time with their loved ones under a kotatsu. What’s so enchanting about snow? When you touch it, it just melts… not to mention it’s cold.” Akaashi looks over at you inquisitively that could almost be mistaken for scrutiny if a stranger were to eavesdrop between you two.

“If you are out in the first snowfall of the season with someone you like, true love will blossom between you.” You recite from memory what the old woman who owned the corner store grocery near your place told you during your times as a highschooler.

“Besides love, if you make a wish when the first snow blankets the city your wish will come true.” You swing your legs to-and-fro underneath your desk covered from the public’s eye but Akaashi can tell it’s one of your habits you do when you’re excited. The sparkle in your eye accompanied by the ecstatic hand gestures would also giveaway your feelings of excitement but Akaashi knows better. You stop in your motions and jerk towards him almost like you’ve had an epiphany, the sparkle in your eye flashed again mimicking that of a light-bulb going off.

“Snow also signifies that all lies will be forgotten, isn’t that refreshing? The thought of new beginnings with the first snow sounds so romantic! I wish I had someone to enjoy it with…” You take a chance and glance at Akaashi to gauge his reaction to your statement, he already beat your intentions by turning back to face his desk at lightning speed so you wouldn’t see the faint flush of red on his cheeks that bloomed after your profession of love for snow. He didn’t want you to know he was flustered because of the way you turned to him and uttered the words ‘besides love,’ to his face, and the realization that he was going to respond with a simple, ‘hm?’ had him leaning further into his desk in embarrassment.  

“Akaashi, what’s your favorite season? You know mine and my reason now.”

“Same as you, I like winter.”

“Why?”

“The holidays.”

“Boring!”

            ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

You shake your head in strong efforts to clear the fog that clouded your mind during that flashback.

“Nodding off so soon?” Akaashi’s voice startled you back to reality as you whip your head towards him.

“It’s almost 7:00, we were supposed to get off work an hour ago like someone said..” you fix your steely gaze on his figure hoping he could feel the mock-resentment radiating off you in waves. “I hope we get overtime pay for this as this isn’t the first time this has happened.” You lean against the back of your chair raising your arms above your head in a half-stretch with valiant efforts to hear the satisfying pop of your back.

“I made no promises, I was going to tell you this when we got off but Udai-san said we have the day-off tomorrow. The reason behind it ‘to reward you guys for your dedication to the company’ were his exact words.” Akaashi said as he began to clear his desk wanting to get to his apartment as soon as possible to sleep. This week took more of a toll on him than he would like to admit, the endless piles of work, deadlines to meet, and the cold that accompanied the winter months were taking a toll on him. The holiday season’s cold seeped into the bitterness of Akaashi’s hidden emotions, like an ice pick scratching the surface of Akaashi’s lonesome facade he tried to hide under cool indifference. In stark contrast, you acted as sunshine that brought the warmth that he desired to thaw his endless winters.  

“Done with your work, too? Let’s go home.” His sunshine that spread light and illuminated the darkness that clouds his mind.

            ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

The walk from the subway station to the shared apartment complex was only a 10-minute walk but tonight it seemed never-ending to Akaashi. The time was almost 8:00 and the streets seemed less deserted than usual. The city lights glimmer looked dim in comparison to past nights and the mood almost felt too solemn with the holidays around the corner. Akaashi was lost in his thoughts that he failed to notice the crosswalk light flickered to red signaling the oncoming traffic to cross the road, if it wasn’t for you pulling him by the back of his jacket… he ignores the thought that briefly filters across his mind.

“Akaashi, are you alright? I wasn’t going to mention it but you’ve seemed more aloof than usual.” You said while gripping onto the back of his jacket tightly almost grasping him in a silent plea.

“I’m fine.” He responds curtly while maneuvering his tall frame in an off-handed demeanor that cues for you to let-go. This action only fuels your act of defiance to pull him harder in your direction causing your bodies to collide clumsily disrupting the systematic ebb-and-flow that is pedestrian traffic. As you and Akaashi apologize and wait for the crosswalk sign to turn green, you can’t help but laugh which makes Akaashi let-out a small chuckle as he realizes what a commotion your exchange must have looked like.

“We make for entertaining crowd spectacles,” He spoke softly through a genuine small smile that washed over his handsome features that could have rivaled ‘any top celebrity that calls themselves a pretty boy,’ in your words, not his. The cold weather combined with the hotness radiating from his silent chuckles caused a light layer of condensation to form on his glasses’ lenses. As the haze rendered him sightless, he took off his glasses, pulled out his handkerchief he kept tucked away in his inner jacket pocket, and proceeded to clean his square frames. You took this opportunity to admire the man before you. His brown hair fell gracefully in a light tousled manner as a result of his hands raking through them from stress. Your gaze shifted to his hands, his hands easily engulfed the metal frames balancing delicately in between his slender fingers that looked natural holding the awkward position for prolonged periods of time. Your eyes flit over his face that was normally impassive and difficult to read, now his cool indifference shifted to a look of frustration. The furrow of his thick brows and the faint vertical lines creasing in the center of his eyebrows almost made Akaashi look younger.

‘He looks like a petulant child being told what to do’ you mused to yourself. When he felt content with the cleanliness of his glasses, Akaashi scanned his surroundings to see where you led him to. He realizes that you stopped right in front of the steps to his favorite place in all of Tokyo – the International Library of Children’s Literature. Even with the library being closed as evident by the lack of people and dimmed lights, he still found this place breathtaking.

“The architecture of this library looks similar to the Palace of Versailles don’t you think so, Akaashi? That was one of my first impressions when you first brought me here, I just forgot about it but remembered after seeing this place again” You said as you stared in awe at the smooth concrete walls and tall glass windows with lattice fixtures intricately lining the tall double doors that greeted over 1,000 visitors each day.

“The International Library of Children’s Literature, originally called the Imperial Library, was constructed by the Tokyo Metropolitan Government under the Meiji era in 1906. The artistic movement that inspired the architect was the Renaissance movement which explains the Western-like elements incorporated into the building’s design.” Akaashi recited from memory and turned to you after he finished his statement only to find you already facing him, eyes widened and mouth agape in surprise. After seeing your reaction he turns back to the building and says in a soft whisper, “This place brings back fond memories,” while unconsciously playing with his hands, fingers intertwining with one another in a playful open and close. He can feel your gaze openly assessing his figure standing awkwardly in the library’s pathway, he knows that you want the answers as to why he’s acting less like his “usual” self. You find yourself confused by Akaashi’s paradoxical behavior, sometimes he’s willing to let small cracks appear in his otherwise smooth facade of coolness, and other times he shrugs you off in efforts to maintain his cool indifference. His true emotions are caught and given to you in minuscule pieces and this frustrates you as you wish to be with the man that’s always beside you and occupies your mind all the time.

Akaashi can’t help but feel the subtle self-conscious feeling starting to arise after pondering how out of place you and him look at the moment, two people standing alone in front of a closed library engaged in a heated silent exchange. His heart sank when he realized that you two could almost be mistaken as a couple with the way the both of you look now, he wishes for this to be real, his wish is to be with you. Akaashi wishes for you to know his true feelings and declare his love for you and yet, he finds himself biting his lips to silence himself in spite of his friends saying he has a chance of being with you.

The shuffling of feet is heard as you shift your weight from right-to-left and your avoidance of all eye-contact are all tall tale signs of your unsureness, your actions break Akaashi from his own thoughts as he raises his head to see you standing closer to him than earlier.

‘You’re so close I could kiss you right now.’ He wants to say, even in a playful manner but is too afraid to be caught expressing his true feelings even through teasing comments.

“Akaashi, what are you thinking about right now?” You ask in a futile attempt for him to confide in you what thoughts occupy his brain that’s causing him to both distance himself from you emotionally.

Just as Akaashi begins to open his mouth he’s interrupted by an abrupt shout that causes the both of you to stop all conversation.

“Look mom, it’s snowing!”

Childlike excitement blanketed the distanced onlookers frolicking the crosswalks as snowflakes kissed the cherry red noses of daily commuters and people doing last-minute gift shopping. You and Akaashi fix your gazes up to the dark depths of the night sky now obstructed by the white flurries of snow clouds now hovering over all of Tokyo.

‘It’s now or never,” Akaashi thinks to himself, ‘if I can’t do it now, when will I ever get the chance again?’ Akaashi takes a deep inhale and closes his eyes to bask in the brisk coolness the winter air has brought with the changing of seasons.

“I think about how seasons shift out in a cycle of four and I find myself not being able to cope with each change.” He breathes out finally and continues, you stare at him in silent apprehension while anticipating each word.

“Seasons change, people change, and yet I find myself coming back to you… meeting in the same place where we first met each other. Fate has a funny way of telling us that we’re supposed to be together. Coincidence has a hand in pushing us together hinting that we’re meant to be. Destiny is telling me that you’re the one but, choice whispers it’s harsh words of reality only permissible when conditions are met that echoes in my thoughtless mind every sleepless night.” Akaashi locks your eyes in a steady gaze, your eyes widened in shock while his eyes portray a deep-rooted passion now surfacing after being hidden for so long.

“Our love is blossoming like the sakura trees in the spring, a love that mirrors the perennial endless summer hydrangeas in the courtyard in front of our apartment building. A love in which I catch myself falling for you like the leaves during the autumnal months. A love that engulfs me in the warmth of the fire, with its ember flicks illuminating your faint silhouette as we embrace each other in the moonlight. Falling in love with you was experiencing a life I have not lived before, for the first time I welcomed the uncertainty, my fears, my doubts never once clouded my mind. You are my moonlight that illuminates my path in the inky depths of nightfall. My starlight when I look to the sky brimming with untold stories in your constellations that guide me back to you. I want to be with you during the first snowfall of each winter. I want to experience each change of the seasons with you, I want you by my side to accompany me as we live our lives – I wish to be together with you.”

Akaashi finishes his confession of true feelings for you and a sense of relief washes over him as a weight has been lifted from his chest. Akaashi starts fiddling with a loose thread in his pockets starting to feel anxious at the sight of you as he begins to anticipate your response since you haven’t spoken since it started snowing. The feeling of temporary relief was now replaced with a sense of dread fueled by his self-doubts and the thought of rejection, he averts his gaze downward to avoid meeting your eyes.

Akaashi stayed cemented in his place with no signs of moving, so you decided to close the distance between you two. Feeling bolder after Akaashi’s profession as you were reeling from the excitement of seeing snow paired with your feelings being returned by the one you love, you grab his jacket sleeve to signal for him to remove his hand from his pocket and slowly begin to intertwine hands. He shifts his gaze from your interlocked hands to look at you, as he scans your face to gauge your reaction, he finds himself surprised by the beaming smile matching your bright energy and warmth that rivals the sun during the summer months. Your actions and the bright reaction is all the confirmation he needs to know if you reciprocate his feelings so he steers you, hands intertwined, in the direction of your shared apartment complex.

“What about your wish, did it come true?” Akaashi asks while he notices you started to swing your joined hands unconsciously, ‘probably out of habit,’ he thinks to himself silently while a smile threatens to breach his lips. You stop him and take his other-hand so now he’s facing you, you want his full attention as now, it’s your turn to confess.

“My wish was always to be with you, you’re my happiness and the reason for me to continue to live and grow. When I’m with you I’m at my happiest and your constant presence has always been comforting. The sureness in your voice and actions speak volumes about your reliability and the love you have for others. My wish was for you to see the light in yourself and for you to realize that you are loved and needed, not just I think this way but your friends Bokuto, Kuroo, Kenma, and everyone else you’ve met and encountered will agree with me on this point I’m trying to make. I love you, Akaashi Keiji and I wish to be with you… if you’d let me.”

Compared to the shuffling of footsteps and avoidance of eye-contact from earlier that hinted towards your unsureness, Akaashi can see the confidence in your stance and actions as you grasp onto his hands, the unwavering sureness you exude while maintaining eye-contact has Akaashi falling in love with you over again. The brightness in your eyes and cheery playfulness reminds him of the reasons he fell for you in the first place and he senses that he will keep finding reasons to fall in love with you over and over again.

“Let’s go home now, sunshine. I’m afraid that your warmth will melt the winter snow.”

[hanamakkiss]

One Dumb Deed Deserves Another

Iwaizumi Hajime x f!reader

Summary: Five times Iwaizumi and you meet.

Word count: 4k+

A/n: this took so long... but I quite like it! Pretty much just fluff and shenanigans. As u can tell I’m in love with him.

Your first meeting was nothing short of disastrous, Iwaizumi fondly recalls.

His peaceful morning walk through the park to campus was shattered by one very loud, very directed at him shouting.

“HEY! HEY YOU!!! THE GUY IN THE DENIM JACKET!!!! HOLD ON A SEC!” a high-pitched yet commanding voice echoes through the practically empty park, clueing him in that it was probably him you were referring to.

He pauses to look skyward, making a silent prayer for the strength to make it through the day, before turning around. He’s met with a red-faced young woman who was currently struggling to catch up to him.

You stopped a few feet in front of him, hands on your knees, panting, and he waits for you to catch your breath.

“Hi,” you look up, unabashedly grinning, and he finds you have a surprisingly sweet voice when not shouting. He quirks a brow, inquiring.

“Yea so, uh, I'm a photographer," you hold up the camera around your neck, "student, actually, and uh, I just took a photo of you? I mean, I did, cause your back looked really nice with the surrounding trees and sky, especially when you were staring at something, a bird maybe? And with a little colour editing the image would really pop, so the photo turned out really nice," you smiled shyly, looking at the photo in question (presumably).

“O...kay?” he’s not sure how to respond.

“Do you want to see it?” your smile is infectious.

His lips quirk up as he steps closer to you, peering over your arm (it really was a cool photo), “But you’re telling me all this why...?”

“Oh! Right. So, uh, I wanted to know if you would be okay with me using your photo in an assignment? I understand if you want to say no, but that would be such a pity, cause you look so cool here, and if no one else got to see it it would be a tragedy. But it’s up to you really! I could just keep it in my files maybe? If you would allow me!” your face has steadily gotten redder with every word that tumbled out of your mouth, and at the end of your spiel you were looking absolutely mortified, using your camera to hide your face.

“Hey, calm down, it’s fine, you can use it,” he latches on to your shoulders hoping to keep you grounded as you looked on the verge of hyperventilating, “Are you alright?”

“Yea! Yea, I’m fine, I just didn’t expect you to be so,” he tilts his head slightly, brows furrowing, “hot,” you squeaked out.

At your response Iwaizumi's face burns up. He knew people generally found him attractive, but to have it so bluntly said to his face, was not exactly something he was used to. Especially when said with such sincerity.

His hands immediately retract.

“Oh. Thanks, I guess? Uh, I’ll be seeing you then, good luck with your assignment.” He scratches the back of his neck.

“Thank you so much! I’ll be sure to let you know how it goes!” you gave him a low bow, nearly slamming into his chest in the process. Standing back up equally as suddenly, you rushed to introduce yourself, face still the shade of ruby.

He can’t help but chuckle, “Iwaizumi Hajime,” he offers.

Opening your mouth, you’re cut off by an alarm that blares from your bag. As you scramble to shut it off, your eyes bulge. “Shit! I’m gonna be late! Sorry! I need to go now!” You shoot him an apologetic smile before sprinting.

“Thank you again! I’ll treat you someday!” he sees you wave from afar.

Iwaizumi is just left in your dust, amused and wondering how would you, considering he never even gave you his number.

Your second meeting was pure coincidence.

He was in line at the campus cafe, when the short person in front sneezed so hard they fell backwards into him.

Oof. His hands reached out instinctively to catch them.

“Hey, you alright?” he peers down into their face-

“I’m so sorry!” they tilt up-

and the two heads collide.

He grunts, rubbing his chin where it hurt. The hood falls off their head.

“It’s you.” he could almost laugh at the comedic timing, of course it’s you.

You look up, hands still covering your forehead, and exclaim excitedly, “Iwaizumi! Fancy seeing you here! How are you?”

He chuckles at your enthusiasm, ruffling your (already mussed up) hair, “I’m good, how did your assignment go?”

“It went great! My tutor only had constructive criticism for it. Speaking about that, let me buy you a drink,” you attempt to tame the mess he created, “as thanks,” you grin.

Any refusal on his part was washed away by your insistence, leaving the two of you on the side waiting for your morning brews.

“By the way, is it okay if I ask you something else?”

“Shoot.”

“Ever since that day, I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” you tuck your hair behind your ear, shyly, (he tenses, vaguely aware of where this might go) “and I was wondering if you would maybe, you know, if you’re free, would you be willing to” you took a deep breath, “be my model?” your eyes were practically sparkling.

Iwaizumi feels light-headed. It's amazing how every other sentence from you gives me whiplash, he thinks, it must be a skill. He mentally heaves a relieved sigh, happy that he didn’t need to reject another date offer.

His silence causes you to fidget, looking away, “Uh, it’s really okay if you don’t want to, I just thought you would be a good fit for my next project, and you seemed like a nice guy, so I thought it would be worth a shot, and I could always-”

"No, no, I’d be glad to help you out," he finds he prefers you when your eyes have a shine to them, and it’s not like he had too much on his plate at the moment.

The smile you show him is infectious, and he really can’t stop his features from mirroring your own.

You actually remember to exchange numbers this time, promising to text him about the specifics of the photoshoot soon before (once again) rushing off for class.

As he’s walking, iced coffee in hand, he mulls over the fact that he’s entirely comfortable around you, despite barely even knowing you.

Your third meeting was certainly a colourful experience.

≿━━━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

On the mentioned day, Iwaizumi finds himself sighing when Hanamaki ushers a mousy looking you into the gymnasium.

“Found this one outside muttering “Iwaizumi” in a panic,” he gives a good natured laugh, “figured she could use some help.”

“Thank you so much! There’s way too many people here, I thought this was just a practice match…” you trailed off.

Iwaizumi’s nostrils flare, “It is, and it’s all because of a specific bastard,” he jabs a finger in the direction of Oikawa, who was currently surrounded by girls.

You take a quick photo, “And who is he? Seems popular,” you inspect the photo.

“Oh? You’ve never heard of Oikawa Tooru? College superstar?” Hanamaki leans in towards you, smirk in place.

Seeing you shrink back, Iwaizumi instinctively moves closer. Makkis eyebrows lift.

“Oh! I’ve heard that name before! My friends talk about him sometimes! This is my first time seeing him though,” you happily snap another shot, “they’ll like these.”

He watches you review the photos when Matsukawa appears next to Makki, “Who’s this?”

“Oh right, let me introduce you guys,” and he calls over the rest of the team for a round of introductions, ending with Oikawa, who waves at you from across the court before calling everyone to start warm-up.

Throughout the game you stay near the sideline, careful to keep away from the ball’s trajectory (you can’t afford another camera), snapping as many impactful shots as you could. You managed to get a few good shots of everyone, and some satisfactory shots of Iwaizumi.

It comes to a close with him scoring the winning spike and you rush to get every possible second of it. As you watch the team celebrate the point through the lens he suddenly looks straight at you, and flashes you the biggest grin you’ve ever seen him sport.

And it’s like the world goes silent and you’ve forgotten how to breathe. The only saving grace you have is your fingers instinctively pressing the trigger, cementing this moment in time.

You’re shocked out of your reverie by the shutter clicking and you hurriedly smile and flash him a thumbs up, hoping the warmth of your cheeks was unnoticeable from the distance.

As soon as he’s done with the after match meeting he rushes over to you, followed by a couple of teammates who were interested in the photos.

“You alright?”

“More than alright! This was my first time watching volleyball and so close to boot! You were amazing! Spectacular! Especially that last point! I got some good shots of it! Wanna see?”

In your excited rambling you failed to notice the faint pinkness of his face, thrusting your camera towards him.

Soon a little group had gathered around you, jostling to get a better view of the shots you took. Scrolling through one by one each shot was met by rambunctious comments as they marvel at how they match looked through a camera. Nearing the end of your roll, Matsukawa makes a comment.

“Why are so many of these photos of Iwaizumi though?” his eyes hold a teasing glint that looks out of place with his mouth still in a fine line. (You choose to ignore the concealed assumption for the sake of your heart.)

Your mouth forms an O, looking straight at the person in question, “Did you not tell them?”

He avoids your gaze, “I didn’t, only said that you were our photographer for this match,” he scratches his neck.

You let out a mirthful laugh at his embarrassment, eyes twinkling, “To answer, the only reason I’m being your photographer is cause Iwaizumi agreed to be my model for school, and I’m doing it as thanks,”

"If you need a model, wouldn't someone like me be better?" Oikawa flashes you a cheeky smile.

You cock your head, appraising Oikawa. He preens under your stare.

"It wouldn't work for this project,” shaking your head slightly, “you know your own attractiveness, and have made it a part of your identity. On the other hand, Iwaizumi has confidence that solely stems from other aspects of his life, this causes him to radiate a kind of rugged charm that just pulls people to him. Like some kind of reliable pillar, it makes you want to depend on him. That kind of energy was exactly what I was looking for!" you beam.

The boys blink, clearly surprised at your answer. Oikawa is the first to break the silence, laughing.

"Wow, Iwa! I didn't know you had such amazing energy! Wonder if you would share any of that with me someday!" he pats him on the back harder than necessary. Iwaizumis’ face burns as he glares at his best friend, daring him to say another word.

At Iwaizumi's less than stellar response, you start to worry you’ve said something wrong, "Oh, uh, I didn't mean to imply you weren't attractive! In fact I think you're probably one of the most attractive people I know, uh and I didn't mean to call you a pillar! It's just a phrase!" you slap a hand across your mouth, eyes going wide. A pillar? Seriously? God, could this get any worse?

“Let me walk you out,” Iwaizumi grits out as his friends laugh.

Newsflash, it can.

You withdrew into yourself, resigned to just let him push you out. The walk to the gym entrance is silent.

Just as you were about to split, he speaks.

“Sorry...about them,”

You look back, surprised. “Uh…?”

Eloquence.

He gives you an embarrassed smile, “They can be a bit much, but they mean no harm.”

Oh. It still takes you a second to realise that his earlier irritation was not directed at you, and you mentally sigh in relief. “It’s cool, they were nice,” you smile.

“You looked really uncomfortable in there,”

“Ah,” you rub your neck. “I’m just... not the best around big groups,”

“Ah.”

The two of you shift awkwardly.

“I’ll be going now,” you make to leave, “Thanks again,”

“No problem.” He laughs, ”Think you gave me too much praise back there,”

“Nah, just cause you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there,”

The huge smile that accompanied your words causes his heart to skip a beat.

“See you around,” you give a little wave.

“Uh-yea, see ya.”

He watches you walk away, heart threatening to jump right out his chest. Before he can even begin to contemplate what just happened, an all too annoying voice interrupts him.

“You’re into her.”

“Am not.” He huffs toward the brunet.

Oikawa just laughs, “She doesn’t know it yet, but she’s into you too.”

“Keep talking and I’ll kick your ass.”

The taller boy skirts away, giggling. He doesn’t miss the way Iwaizumi’s cheeks pink.

Your fourth meeting was Iwaizumi’s’ prayers answered.

After the match, the two of you don’t cross paths much, opting instead for online communication.

Due to both of you being terrible texters, the text conversation never goes too in-depth. Mostly keeping to studies, interests and random topics. It’s only when one of you calls the other, that the conversation intensifies, lasting several hours.

After one such call, Oikawa groans from the doorway. Iwaizumi instantly springs up from his bed.

“Why don’t the two of you get together already,” he drags out the last word.

“Why are you in my room.”

“It’s 1am, you’re messing up my beauty sleep.”

“You were eavesdropping,” he squints, tone accusing.

“The walls are thin! It’s hard not to,” Oikawa defends himself, “besides, you laugh like a goddamn horse.”

At Iwaizumi’s glare, he backtracks, hands raised defensively, “I’m kidding! Kidding! Goodnight Iwa,”

“Close the damn door!”

He sighs, finally alone and wonders how is he going to ask you out for a meal. (Just to hang out, definitely not a date)

When you text him again.

Damn, this is as close as he’ll come to believing in higher power.

≿━━━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

The next week, he rushes down to the gallery after his evening class. He makes it with half an hour to spare.

Looking around, he quickly spots some familiar portraits and makes his way over. He sees you engaged in conversation, and he likes to think that the way your face lit up upon eye contact has something to do with him.

You cut the conversation and step towards him.

“You made it!”

He lets out a chuckle, “Course I would, sorry I’m late, class got dragged,”

“No, no, glad you’re even here,” you wave your hand flippantly, drawing his eyes to the rest of your body, where you had worn a simple cocktail dress that fit you well.

He takes in a sharp breath, “You look great,” slips out.

“Oh, um, thank you, you don’t look too shabby yourself,” your smile takes on a bashful shade and he looks around at the other patrons, grimacing.

“Bullshit, I didn’t know it was such a formal event, otherwise I would have dressed better,”

Your eyes quickly scanned his outfit, dark wash jeans paired with a white tee and bomber jacket, “You look fine,” leaning in, you stage-whisper, “If you ask me, you look a lot more put together than most of the people I’ve seen today.”

“Earlier on someone even came in piss-drunk,” you laugh.

“No way, midday?”

“Yes! Security had to escort them out, total mess. It was entertaining though,” you gently guide him towards your portion of the exhibition.

5 portraits titled Magnetism hung neatly on a wall. Two of them of him, he notes.

“It’s just a student exhibition, so it’s not much,” you explain, chuckling.

He frowns, “Don’t downplay your skills, you worked hard and got selected right? That counts for something,”

Your face goes slack for a moment before morphing into a soft smile, “Thank you, I do have a bad habit of that.”

He feels a warmth creep up his neck, shitshitshit, that’s not good for my heart, quick-

“So what’s the inspiration behind your portraits?” He shifts his attention towards the exhibition (ie. away from your warm eyes)

This easily distracts you and you go into an excited monologue about your motivations and what you were trying to convey through the atmosphere, lighting and editing. He only manages to keep up with half of it (it has nothing to do with how cute you looked animatedly waving your hands around).

You move on to explain each photo and how they embodied a different aspect of Magnetism that you wanted to convey to the viewer, ending with the photo you took of him the day you met.

“Fun fact: this is my second favourite photo of you,” you grin cheekily.

He plays along, “Why so?”

“Caaaaause it led to us meeting!” Your playful demeanour shoots an arrow straight to his heart.

Now grinning, he continues the banter, “And is the other photo your favourite?”

“Nope! That’s the third, because it shows everyone’s trust in you,”

He’s a little intrigued now, “Then which is the first?”

“Thaaaat’s a secret!” You wink, cheeks flushed.

Andddddd there goes his heart.

He’s forced to come to terms with the fact that his infatuation with you has turned into a full blown, rock to the face, crush. And all in the span of a second.

He flushes, “Well, maybe another day then,” and turns back to the photos.

“None of these people are facing the camera. Why is that,”

“I’ve been waiting for someone to ask me that all day!” And you go into another spiel. He realises just how much he enjoys listening to you speak about your passions.

Soon the curator announces the closing of the gallery and the two of you make your way out. You make an offhand remark about still needing to cook. He immediately suggests grabbing a bite together and you are just as quick to agree.

After enjoying a wonderful dinner at a local restaurant, you stop him just as he tries to get away with paying the bill.

“Hey! I’ll pay half, let me see the receipt,” you reach for the check, only to have it pulled out of your grasp.

“Nah, my treat,” he continues to wave the check out of your reach. This goes on for a little while before you cry out in annoyance.

“Oh come on, you don’t have to, this isn’t a date or anything,” and he freezes at your words.

He’s caught off guard by how much he wishes it was, if only the little words would dislodge themselves from his throat and let him ask you out.

With him distracted you lunge for the check and succeed, happily scanning through and making calculations. Once done you hand it back to him and promptly transfer the money.

You leave the restaurant in high spirits while Iwaizumi feels kind of feels defeated. He still offers to walk you back to your dorm, which you agree to after minimal convincing.

The walk back is filled with conversation that flows naturally between the two of you, making up for your horrendous texting game. It’s something he finds he doesn’t mind, as long as he knows you actually like talking to him, he’s fine with waiting hours for a reply.

“So, this is me,” you come to a stop in front of an old building. It’s not far from his apartment, he makes a mental note.

“This is you,” he cringes inwardly.

Thankfully, you just laugh, “Thanks for coming to the exhibition and spending time with me, I really enjoyed that…uh...”

His lips turn up, teasing, “Not-date?”

You flush, “Yea, that not-date,”

Both of you stand in comfortable silence, unwilling to part. He knows how stupid this is, two idiots just skirting around a relationship, but he doesn’t know what he should do. Sometimes he wishes he was a teensy bit more like Oikawa, but the thought is vanquished before it could even begin to take root.

“So,” you break the silence, “see you around?”

He lets out a breath and nods, “Yea, definitely,” and you wave.

He waits until you’re safely in the building before making his way back, sighing way too much for someone in college.

He spends the walk thinking about how much he enjoyed that “not-date”, and hopes soon he could enjoy an actual date with you.

Your fifth meeting was the end of Iwaizumi’s patience.

It’s been weeks since he’d realised his feelings for you. And he knows you feel the same way towards him too. You’re not subtle.

You are, however, extremely oblivious and respectful. Ever since he had mentioned early on in the friendship that he wasn’t looking for anything relationship-wise, you had dutifully dodged every single one of his advances. At this rate, your non-existent relationship was on the road to nowhere.

He’s sick of it, and at his wits end.

He finds Makki and Mattsun lounging in the living room.

“Hey, uh,” both heads turn his way. “I need some advice.”

“Well, my friend,” Makki moves, patting the newly vacated seat next to him, “you’ve come to the right place,”

As the couch dips under him, he takes a moment to register that Yes, he is really doing this, before he launches into detail about his feelings, frustration with the state of things and asks for help.

"Simply put,” Makki interjects, “you want to do the do, want to pound that duck, want to woohoo her-"

"What the fuck is a woohoo," Iwaizumi cuts him off sharply.

Mattsun's jaw drops. Makki gasps in delight, clapping his hands together, "A woohoo is when two sims who love each other very much-"

"Oh my god," he sinks his head into his hands, "you're referencing the sims, to talk about sex."

Oikawa sticks his head through the door, "Who's trying to woohoo who?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP." Iwaizumi screams.

Oikawa dramatically places a hand on his heart and almost looks hurt before realisation dawns. “This is about little miss photographer, isn’t it?” He smirks when Mattsun wiggles his brows suggestively as a response.

Iwaizumi lets out a heavy sigh, resigned, "Yes, it's about her. Also, no," he looks to the strawberry blond, "I don't just want to have sex with her."

"So you do want to bang her," he could feel the smugness emanating from all three of them. The vein on his forehead threatens to pop. He passes a hand over his face, wondering if an aspirin could save him now.

"Just... just help me think of a way to ask her out,"

"Why don't you just ask her straight out? Always works," Oikawa supplied.

Iwa groans, “If I ask her out normally she’ll think its just as friends,”

A pause.

"Also I want it to be special, like a cute story for the future, you know?" he admits. Makki coos.

Silence falls as they brainstorm.

After some time Matsukawa pipes up, "I... might have an idea,"

All heads swivel towards him.

"She's a photographer, right?"

≿━━━━༺❀༻━━━━≾

"Iwaizumi! Over here!" you excitedly wave him over.

"Thanks for willingly being my model again," you grinned, "somehow that physique of yours seems to get me better critiques. ...Wait a minute, does my tutor have a crush on you?" he sighed when you seriously pondered that thought for a moment.

You give him a brief rundown of your assignment and what you needed him to do. It was rather simple this time as the focus was more on lighting, you just needed him to walk casually and look at the camera every once in a while.

After the first couple of shots you see him reach into his pocket and pull out some sort of... banner? Your brows furrow as you continue snapping shots. Only when he fully unfurls it do you cease movement, letting your camera slip out of your hands entirely.

Thankfully, your camera strap works perfectly and the weight of it dropping against your neck brings you back to life, snapping your mouth shut.

Iwaizumi Hajime stands five feet away from you, holding up a small banner that reads “Please go on an actual date with me.”

“I- You- what….?” Is the best you come up with.

He grins, “It reads, I really like you, please go out with me,”

“You like…?” Seems like you’re full on malfunctioning now, and about to overheat too.

“I like you, have been liking you for a while now,” he rubs his neck nervously, “so, what’s your answer?”

You nod frantically, no longer trusting your mouth. His grin stretches impossibly wide.

You’ve always known you were a bumbling idiot and a mess. But now looking at his laughing face backlit by the setting sun, you can’t help thinking that maybe being an idiot wasn’t all that bad.

The shutter clicks.

This might just be your favourite photo yet.

(Matsukawa is later asked how he knew you would like such a gesture. “Judging from the way you spoke of her, I figured she was into sappy shit, and that you probably was into it too.” He gets headlocked for a full five minutes.)

[c-c-cherry]

Bucci Gang Headcanons!!!

I’m not really one to usually post this kind of stuff, but these are some lil headcanons my pal @jjadegreen and I have come up with while stuck in the same house during the quarantine!! 

These literally range from *probably would happen* to *fucking crack* so y’all have been warned...

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Giorno is one of those people that has a secret sweet-tooth. Like. An insane one where if he actually decides to indulge in it he cannot fucking stop. 

When he does go overboard, it’s usually because Bruno got his favourite ice cream flavour from the store and it’s always at some ungodly hour of the night.

He usually blames it on Mista somehow. Accidentally ate the entire tub of ice cream at 3am? No biggie. Just put the spoon on Mista’s bedside table while he’s asleep! 

Everyone blames Mista for it EVERY TIME and now he’s not allowed to eat any ice cream when they buy it. Mista thinks it’s the Sex Pistols because he swears he doesn’t remember doing it. 

Giorno just sits there like *sweats* “yeah uh no it had to be Mista, right? There’s definitely no one else it could be, right? Right??”

One time Abbacchio caught him in the act at like 4am and they have yet to bring it up.

He would spill Giorno’s big secret, but he really likes to see Mista suffer.

Narancia wears skirts sometimes and it’s not a big deal. He vibes, they all just vibe. No toxic masculinity here. 

Narancia is genuinely afraid of those “IF YOU DO NOT SEND TO 10 PEOPLE THIS WILL APPEAR AT THE END OF YOUR BED AT 3AM” emails.

One time he couldn’t do it because Bruno took his phone away and he sat in bed all night fucking trembling in fear of what chain mail monster would eat his face off this time.

Abbacchio hates geese. No one knows why. Not even Bruno.

Narancia’s real stand name IS Aerosmith, but he’s dead set on calling it Lil’ Bomber because “that’s his rapper name.”

Mista is lactose intolerant but he doesn’t know because he just thinks it’s normal to feel excruciating pain when you eat ice cream. 

“Like how pineapples hurt your mouth when you eat them.” -Mista probably

Bruno literally had to take him to the hospital one night because he inhaled too much ice cream and would not stop throwing up and Mista was like “wait this doesn’t happen to you??”

Trish hates butterflies because *fun fact!* butterflies often feed on not only nectar and fruit, but DECAYING CORPSES of animals! 

When she was a kid, she was walking in some alleyway and ran into a dead animal covered in butterflies. One landed on her arm and she fucking screamed. She will never look at them the same ever again...

Giorno loves to make things into butterflies when they all spend time together, and Trish literally has to suppress a shudder every time one goes near her.

Fugo is one of those people that is basically not afraid of anything, but when a fucking bee comes near him he will LOSE IT. He’s one of those people that will have to get up and run away from a bee when it flies near him.

If you tell him that it will leave him alone if he stops moving, he will punch you.

Giorno likes to make shit into bees sometimes just to fuck with him

Bruno does not like dogs. It probably stems from some childhood experience that went sour, but he does not care. He will be stone-faced during any mission or situation, but if a dog tries to jump up and greet him he will freak. The fuck. Out.

One time Narancia and Mista brought home a dog from the streets and mama Bruno was like “NOPE” and zipped himself out of existence.

Abbacchio found him locked in the closet under the stairs when he got home and made them get rid of it.

Leone was more of a cat person anyway.

Abbacchio eats raw pasta.

Fugo plays chess with himself. When Giorno joins the team he’s like “ugh finally an intellectual” but Giorno has literally never seen a fucking chess board in his life and is too scared to tell Fugo so he just keeps making up excuses as to why he doesn’t “have time” to play chess with him today.

Mista doesn’t shower but he has a BOMB-ass face-care routine. Even Trish is jealous. His face? Baby soft? Ten out of ten. The rest of him? Axe body spray out of ten.

Narancia went through a goth phase pre-canon. Abbacchio was not happy because Bruno kept referring to him as “little Abba” but he let Narancia use his good lipstick anyway.

Mista found his special hat in a street gutter on a rainy day and it matched his sweater so he decided to just keep it. Abbacchio does Trish’s makeup. They go to Sephora together. I don’t make the rules.

Giorno never really told anyone (besides Bruno) that he got his stand naturally so they all assume he got it from Polpo’s lighter and when he mentioned something off-hand about “when I was a kid Gold and I…” everyone’s just like “bitch hold up-”

Abbacchio wears coloured contacts and his ass literally cannot see without them. 

Yes they are expensive as fuck. He blows half his pay-check on them every month. 

One time he lost them right before a mission so he had to pull out his heavy prescription glasses from like 8th grade. They literally looked like this.

I think you can imagine the outcome

Growing up, Giorno only listened to three songs. 

The only reason he had access to these songs was because he found a really old Walkman on the side of the road when he was wandering around once. The tape only had three songs on it; Dancing Queen, It's Raining Men, and some song by Mozart. These were the three songs of Giorno’s childhood. 

He still has it and likes to listen to the tape when he gets sad

Narancia doesn’t know what a period is. Neither does Mista. 

Bruno forces everyone into the living room after overhearing this and makes them all watch one of those really awkward sex-ed videos from the 90s (you know the ones)

It was one of the worst days of their lives

They still have the tape and Narancia sometimes slips it in the VHS player when they all least expect it just to fuck with everyone

Bruno once held a capo meeting at their house (biggest mistake of his life) and all you could heard blasting through the walls of the other room was “YoUr bOdy MiGht Be gOiNg tHrOuGh sOmE cHaNgEs, fOr eXaMpLe yOuR P-”

On that note, Giorno was definitely that one kid who took notes during Sex-Ed

Abbacchio listens to Avril Lavigne

Giorno shaves his arms. It kind of started by accident but now he literally cannot stop or else his arms will look completely fucked up

Bruno has sensitive teeth. He can’t drink water that’s too cold cause it hurts his mouth. Abbacchio makes him tea :)

Fugo plays piano to help him with his anger. He would say that he plays saxophone too, but it’s more like violently screeching into the mouthpiece instead of actually playing it.

Narancia thinks that lesbian is a nationality

Even though Giorno lived in Japan for just a couple years, he’s still pretty fluent in the language because his mother would only speak Japanese to him growing up

The gang has no idea that Giorno is Japanese and when a foreigner is struggling Giorno just swoops in with perfect Japanese and they’re all just really confused.

Giorno doesn’t cry during movies or TV shows, but he’s one of those people who fucking BAWLS during video game credits

Mista and Narancia beat Ocarina of Time together and Giorno was watching from the sidelines and AS SOON as the credits started rolling there were tears.

When KK Slider starts to sing in Animal Crossing New Horizons and your character is brought into a music void and the credits start rolling he tears up just a little bit

Mista is squeamish around dead bugs. Not live ones. Dead ones and solely dead ones

Mista and Trish go thrifting. Mista goes to check the pockets of clothes for spare cash (cause he’s a broke bitch) and Trish goes to buy clothes

Everyone thinks that Mista doesn’t change his clothes but he actually just buys like 7 of the same outfit

Mista sneezes like a white sports dad. You know the sneeze.

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Bonus Bruabba shit because Jade and I always go fucking HARD when talking about our local mafia dads:

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Bruno ties up the little strings on Abbacchio’s tiddy shirt every morning.

They got promise rings. Leone’s trying to find a nice time to actually propose but the gang keeps fucking it up every time they try to go on a nice date together

Bruno and Leone watch thunderstorms together

-The rest of the bucci gang stay inside and play monopoly or something when’s its stormy but these two bring out blankets and sit on the front porch and just be all soft and shit watching the lightning light up the sky and listening to the rain on the roof above them.

Bucciarati and Abbacchio have been mistaken as the following: 

Bruno as a woman and Abbacchio as a man. Abbacchio as a woman and Bruno as a man. Two lesbians. But never an actual gay couple.

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Yeah so I have no idea what that was. These were taken from a google doc we have together that’s just all these jumbled, crack-filled headcanons just for fun. I’m sure you can sense the pure chaos in this. 

Go give my dude @jjadegreen a hello, sis made most of these!

uhhh let us know if you want any more from any other parts. Cause y’all know we probably got some. <3