#so thats always weird to handle. its not bad on little things that dont affect me much.

[spectrumgarden]

So often I basically just want to post "hey this is something I experience, somewhat stereotypical autistic trait. Let me explain what it feels like" but then I overthink that it isnt worthy of sharing and I delete it all again.

[dykeyote]

if i had a nickel for every time i asked you for headcanons about an autistic penumbra podcast character i’d have two nickels, which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice (ie: please talk about cecil being autistic thanks)

YES YES YES . THANK YOU FOR ENABLING ME REENTERING MY CECIL KANAGAWA ERA U WILL DEFINITELY NOT REGRET THIS (lies)

okay so right . before i get into my Personal hcs i feel like i should explain why he is literally so fucking autistic to the point that despite being a oneoff chara he to this day is one of my strongest supported autistic hcs . because i could go into like Depth and pick apart a bunch of tiny little details but literally if i just in very broad strokes describe him as "a guy with an extremely narrow interest that he zeroes in on and impulsively buys tons of things out of excitement for it and who is infantilized by his mother despite being a grown adult and whose 'best friend' in fact seems to deeply resent him a fact he is entirely clueless of because of his inability to read the very obvious social cues" and ull be MORE than convinced so why would i bother

speaking of which he has a special interest on ancient torture devices which is like two steps away from canon anyway <3 his show is one massive excuse to infodump on the subject . pov youre about to get your head chopped off and you just want to get it over with but unfortunately your would-be murderer is giddily explaining the history of the guillotine

i think hes like . he has this weird masking thing that he cant stop doing where he basically CONSTANTLY even when hes not on camera acts like hes acting like hes constantly flourishing and performing for a camera and an audience and shit . its part of why people tend to find him kind of obnoxious because hes CONSTANTLY doing his stage persona bc thats just how he masks and gets thru social interaction while still seeming charismatic and he doesnt really know how to switch it off totally

VERY VERY VERY stimmy he cant hold still hes CONSTANTLY moving especially when hes talking . usually this shows as him just pacing back and forth and flourishing in the air while he talks but when ehs VERY excited he flaps his hands a lot and claps his hands and giggles . he kicks his legs when hes sitting down a lot hes basically always swinging his legs bc he cant hold still but when he gets hyped up its VERY AGGRESSIVE . which is bad bc hes always wearing very thick boots

he like . he masks a lot to hide Social Awkwardness which hes pretty good at but hes very very bad at masking his emotions if hes uspet hes UPSET . especially with sensory issues if you ruffle his hair when hes not expecting it he gets VERY FLAILY and makes a lot of dismayed noises he cant really regulate his reactions to stuff at all . im crazy about cecil and junos weird half-friendship so i think he Knows cecils ways of reacting to stuff and like just out of habit he immediately course corrects whenever cecil makes one of his little agh argh rhghrhg noises that means hes overwhelmed and trying Very Badly to mask it . dont let anyone kno tho they cant know juno (ugh) Doesnt Want Cecil To Be Upset or whatever

he likes lots of pressur!!!!!! im weak for the idea of the cameramen just being silly little dogs when theyre not doing their work and shit so he likes just lying down and letting one of these MASSIVE fucking genetically engineered monster creatures just fwop on him so he has pressure . tbh

ok im going on forever i can talk about how autismcore he is for hours . but last hc i swear i swear . hes very much a sensory seeking autistic he cant handle Surprise sensations but he LOVES sensory input when hes the person thats Causing It To Occur. he always has SUPER BRGIH SPOTLIGHTS on even when ehs not filming because he likes the bright light he likes clothes that he can swish around for the sound and feel and look of it hes VERY VERY VERY physically clingy for the stim of physical affection juno steel cannot enter the kanagawa household without cecil hanging off his arm

hes my skrunkly skringlo my blorbo boytoy etc etc etc

[silvershiverz]

my littol guy, main self insert rn (he is the silver to my shiverz lol)

some random things i didnt feel like adding in the pic

so cuz theres no official look for the ash people that i know of, its a great opportunity to just. make shit up! so i decided theyre a dull color and have spiky tails (somethin about hair turning to nail KERATIN etc etc).

also hes shorter because ash people being small weird little guys is funny (not super small, just a bit noticeable. the mix of metkayina tho makes him appear just short, but average short YKNOW. small for. manhandling purposes wink wink wink wink

hes so bad with spears and bows, he prefers his weird scythe things to anything else. something far range but still controllable is what he needs, and when he gets to it hes just winging them around and its chaotic but also organized, to him at least

his ikran name is isaac because i like it :] isaac is just like. MY IKRAN hes mine so hes THE ikran for any of my na'vi ocs yknow?

he scares children in his village, never on purpose. sometimes he uses his strange looks to his advantage, his hiss is stuttered and the rattle of his tail is enough to freak them out when theyre intentionally bothering him. even if it works, he always feels bitter after, and wishes it wouldnt.

not expressive like. at all. he feels A LOT though, sometimes his emotion cracks through for a second, but hes quick to hide it. he prefers to handle it alone.

likes to collect pretty shells, but he only grabs the best. sometimes he takes them and makes them into a bracelet for himself or someone he cares about

the tooth on his neck belongs to an akula! dont ask any questions (he found it, akula's scare him to death)

honestly doesnt have a preference when it comes to being on land, in the air, or in the water. he feels he sticks out like a sore thumb either way

likes to bite affectionately, its not something he really thinks about. he'll bite himself as a stim of sorts, so if someone is close enough he might just do it to them instead

the scar on his eye actually extends to his forehead, he has an injury that affects his memory, and occasionally has dissociative episodes. he works twice as hard because he wants to make it clear hes still an effective warrior

speaking of, he is an effective warrior!! he cant bring himself to kill anything more than like.. a fish and he only trains alone because his weapon is not a fighting weapon, its a killing weapon if that makes sense. he doesnt wanna seriously hurt anyone

careless when it comes to his own safety. he will throw caution to the wind if someone he loves is being threatened, ESPECIALLY if its isaac (this is true for all of my na'vi, isaac is wholly beloved smh). will do crazy dumb shit (thats why he has a bullet wound 💀)

never lets his enemies know hes afraid, very nonchalant and bored about most things, and honestly hes pretty passive in general.

fidgets with things constantly, his clothes, rings, etc hes fuckin everything up

thats all i can think of so. hi skdfjsf

[diffuserlover]

hi! could you ship me with enhypen, txt, and ateez? also theres no rush, i know its a lot so take your time!!

hobbies ~ i dont really have any. i read, draw, make bracelets, and watch videos or talk to my friends. i like food, also spiders and snakes. im a pretty lame person.

habits ~ idk if this is a habit but i have a really bad sleep schedule so while others are awake, im asleep.

my personality ~ well im 21(so no minors please) and i think that im overall pretty chill. i dont get upset easily when it comes to myself, but im protective over my friends and will defend them. im very straightforward when something needs to be said and will take the initiative to do so, rather than letting someone else handle it. im pretty introverted out of lack of interest mainly. i think that my friends see me as an extrovert but im only like that with them. i think that im the designated mood maker according to them, but i prefer to speak to people im comfortable with and only them. im not big on drama or making a friends with a bunch of people. i like to joke around a lot rather than be serious but i can be serious if need be. i just enjoy seeing/talking to my friends and thats it tbh. ill go out if its with my friends, if not, im staying home. so in all, im mostly goofy but i have the ability to be serious and im perfectly fine with chillin in silence. my humor is a bit on the weird side because i tend to just say random things that come to mind but it makes my friends laugh. i am a bit loud when with my friends. im also very open minded and my main philosophy is "mind your business" , so i dont concern myself with things that dont concern me. like peoples differences, i dont focus on things like that.

love language ~ my love language is physical affection i think. im not huge on physical affection in general but if its from a loved one, i soak it all up like a sponge. even just holding hands makes me happy. quality time is also one a suppose. this being said, i do enjoy a bit of free time as well. i wholeheartedly dont care about material acts of love like gift giving. of course ill appreciate it but i dont require it at all.

my type ~ honestly i dont have one. if i like you, then i like you. i dont look at appearance or anything like that and it takes a lot for me to dislike someone. i think im very open in that sense.

Hii!! Thank you so much for requesting!! I am so so sorry for the wait and thank you for your patience!! I hope you like them!

Enhypen:

I ship you with…

Heeseung

I feel like you and Heeseung could just sit in silence together and be perfectly content

Heeseung gives me the vibes that his love language is quality time just like you

Like imagine the two of you guys sitting on the couch cuddled up together as you read a book and he writes song lyrics

You can always make him feel better, if he had a bad day at work you somehow always know how to cheer him up

He is always a little thrown off by your straightforwardness but appreciates it and likes it

Your extroverted side brings out his extroverted side, you guys feel comfortable around each other

He likes how funny you are, he feels like he doesn’t have to be so serious all the time and can be a kid again

Overall, you and Heeseung are literally made for each other<3

TXT:

I ship you with…

Taehyun

You and Taehyun are very similar

Taehyun often tries to cook for you knowing you love food and wants to treat you

Whenever he sees you sleeping in late he will wake you up in the most obnoxious ways and he finds it so fun

You definitely find a way to get back at him

You guys 100% own a snake(and no he did not sell the couch for it)

You both are very protective of each other and want the best for each other

Taehyun will say he doesn’t love the physical affection you give him but he is dying inside he loves it so much

Taehyun drags you out of the house a lot

He loves to make bracelets with you and will secretly take your stuff and make bracelets with his name for you

Overall, you and Taehyun are very very sweet together:)

ATEEZ:

I ship you with…

Jongho

He likes how chill you are

He doesn’t really show how playful he is around lots of people but you make him feel comfortable and like he can act silly around you

You guys are low key weird ahahah like you have the weirdest humor and weirdest conversations

He loves how protective you and I see him as a protective person as well

He finds your protective matter endearing, even if he just sees you protecting your friends it makes his heart melt

He pretends to hate your physical affection but that’s because it makes him shy

He finds it hilarious when you sleep all day, and if he’s home he will try to prank you, draw on your face, pour water on you, that kinda fun stuff

He will gladly make bracelets with you

Overall, you guys are really adorable<33

[the1975attheirverybest]

Sorry its a bit long but...

Honestly, people will always dig up the past whether thats a few months ago or several years ago. No one besides the ones involved will know why rina decided to do it when she did whether right or wrong. It does seem a little strange but like stated multiple times before no one knows what happened behind closed doors.

Does matty need to learn that words have an affect? Yes. But he does not deserve the hate and threats hes been receiving or has received over all. Yes people are allowed to be upset and yes Its easy to say yes we are human, we make mistakes because we do. Being a frontman i think he at this point knows what comes with that considering they've been together for this long.

Honestly staying silent, letting it die down a bit i think will be a bit beneficial. Like stated before i dont think he needs to do a general apology because yes that can seem insincere to some and maybe forced by management. You can't take back what was said, and not saying he should change how he act/ what he does but to at least acknowledge it and move on.

There is no sense on harping on the past. We make mistakes and we learn. As far as questioning if he is who we really think he is. I think hes been pretty willing to show us who he is. He isnt a bad person, he does make some bad decisions in the public eye but then again like he tried to show with the magnifying glass, who likes to live with everyone watching their every move, every sentence waiting to just tear them apart. I love giving a benefit of a doubt and will defend him (do every day at work even though my co worker says he wouldnt like me since im asian) because not everything is black and white as media likes to portray

Do i feel bad for Matty, of course. He's become ( as well as the rest of the band) something i (as well as thousands of other fans) rely on to make me smile when in a bad mood or get me in a good mindset to go into work or take on whatever the world may throw at me each day i wake up. But Matty knows whats best for him as well as the band and only time will tell whats going to be next. Overall hopefully it dies down quickly and EVERYBODY can move on from this situation and the podcast and whatever he might had said prior.

Yeah, regardless of the context, I trust that Matty knows the difference between criticism and reactionary drama. And he’s a good enough person to know how badly to feel about it without letting it consume him and without turning the whole thing into a conversation about how he’s a victim or whatever.

On the whole, it’s gonna feel bad. It’s a shit situation of course he’s gonna feel shitty. And he SHOULD. But I think he’ll be alright. And he’s handled it the best that he could so far.

It’ll all be alright. Everything feels weird in this specific moment, but he’s gonna be fine and the fandom is going to be fine.

[nitroish]

How do you think the boys react to being sick?

i got u

warriors: badly. wartime sickness leaves something to be feared, and he probably does not have good memories of it. it spreads fast and hits hard, especially in barraks and camps. a cold? fine. sure. he can deal with that, as can the rest of them. if its anything more? he does not process or deal with it well. a lot of soldiers died because of sicknesses. hed be scared of getting anyone else sick in the chain (or getting sick from someone else), even going as far as to refuse help and trying to independent his way through it for fear of getting any of them sick.

legend: fine. sickness is common in his hyrule. he probably tries to do things on his own through his being sick, just like he had when he was alone on most of his other adventures. tries to tough through it until it gets too bad. he doesnt get sick often much anymore because of all the traveling he did kind of, in a way, boosting his immune system, but it hits hard when he does, coupled with dangerous fevers spiking in those first few 100s. +kakariko is riddled with sickness at least once a year or every few years - thats how sick season works. it hits the area pretty hard but he lives far enough away hes not too affected - hes basically in quarantine at home on accident anyway. (though, he often gets what he calls 48 hour colds, which are colds that barely last two days or so.)

sky: hes fine, but a better fine definition than legends. he volunteers to mother hen the others when theyre sick and tries being as careful as possible when Hes sick so as not to get others sick (again or spreading). he lived on a small island, lots of exposure to Eachother, but not alot of exposure to Sicknesses. he had to be careful; most of his worst sicknesses were when he first went down to the surface, and he didnt want to drag especially bad ones back to skyloft when he went home.

time: he absolutely fucking despises it with a very big passion and every inch of his being. he gets all huffy and bitter when hes sick and doesnt want to be bothered or bother anyone else. he chugs a potion and lets it run its course and hopes that it stops Fucking Immediately Right Now Or Else. /threat. sicknesses dont sit right with him or his body and a cold feels like his body is aching and sore constantly. his bones hate him for moving when hes sick, and mentally he isnt doing so great either. plague is not unheard of in any hyrule and he thinks 'oh sweet hylia other hyrules are going to have other sicknesses' and immediately wishes he were home with malon again.

wind: depends, but decent! he does not like being sick - especially around the chain. they already baby him enough, in his opinion, and hed rather busy himself with other '''more important''' things than let them focus on how hes sick. back on the boat, sickness was like war's experience: it hit fast, and it hit hard. it swept across the boat to everyone, weather all at once or one at a time or in small groups. he usually tried toughing it, but being sick on a boat and also on sea was always somehow a little worse. there wasnt alot of medicine on ships. back home on his island there werent many people to get sick from or to give sickness too. and he does not want to get his grandma or aryll sick so hed stay someplace else or refuse letting people in his loft. his grandmas soup while he was sick though? amazing. aryll would deliver it sometimes if he stayed elsewhere to ride it out.

wild: "wait hes sick?" is his shtick. he wont really notice until its sending him into a fitful rest and he thinks he feels ten degrees warmer than he should. he, like time, hates being sick. being in the wild and learning how to cook in the wild with. wild ingredients, he probably got sick often, though. hed cook his favourite comfort meal, settle down at the fire, and wait it out or wait until he felt better. it was nice, because he could make his own potions as well. other times, if he thinks he doesnt have time, he downs a stamina and goes on his way. it all depends on the surrounding timeframe and what he has to do and how soon it must be done.

twilight: whine whine whine whine motherfucker. he, ALSO like time, despises getting sick with a passion. he wants to go home and lay in his treehouse of a house and not be bothered until it passes. he likes laying around until hes no longer sick and sheds like eighty percent of his clothes (including the pelt, he doesnt want it stickin to him when he gets all sweaty. ew.) because runs hot when he gets ill. hes not hesitant to let people help him, though, because he knows the more help he gets or the more he helps himself, the quicker he could get better. he worries for a total of ten minutes about getting someone else sick, and then sees they made him soup and forgets it entirely. soup!!!!! thank you :).

hyrule: fine. the downfall duo... neither of them handle it more than 'fine'. hyrules been sick a few times, or maybe a lot of times, and never has it been pleasant. (thats how it goes, though.) magic helps, sort of, sometimes, and potions do as well. potions are a commodity, though, so he uses them sparingly. towns are cautious when someone rolls in while theyre sick, and its a bit weird and overwhelming. prices for medicine is expensive as well. lots of sickness, lots of money spent on medicine. he doesnt like being sick, and especially doesnt likemaking other people sick.

four: depends on the colour but they collectively handle getting sick the best! blue and/or green usually deal with being sick in general, when possible. red gets miserable and emotional while hes dealing with it, which is obviously Not Very Four Of Them(tm). youd assume vio is good at dealing with it, but he gets snappy and tired of people existing around him. he wouldnt be good at being around the chain while sick - hed rather be in bed, alone, with a book and a drink. green usually keeps around, and then blue is somewhere in the mix just so greens not dealing with it alone. so they split it, or blue can take the brunt of the sickness and leave the conversion pieces to green. blue gets too tired to be angry as well, so it kind of works out.?still snarky and cracking dumb jokes that make green have to stifle a laugh, but sickness is sickness. they want to lay down and take care until its passed. they miss eachother very much physically when any of them are sick x100. if they could split, they would.

[antiloreolympus]

10 Anti LO Asks

1. ok but thats also i think i dont get? because without the series or character names, what of any of the promo images or banner or anything else give away it's supposed to be a greek mythology story? they just look like people with weird anatomy who are colored like highlighters. at the very least some iconography should be on them, but there's not? like even percy jackson stuff makes sure to give him a trident and have water flowing around him.

2. rachel made three times where persephone could have made the choice to be with hades willingly and didnt do it each time. first time she was drugged and put into his car, where he phsyically handles her unconscious body and puts her in his bed (ew). second is her working for him, which was hera forcing it. third was her going to the underworld not because she wanted to, but because she was hiding from the law/apollo and he found her. where exactly is her agency in all of this?

3. LO seems like the fast food of webtoons. because there's no room to speculate or theorize, you just read an episode and move on, the bright colors distract that it's a rushed and lazy product over something with high quality and effort, the characters are flat and boring, and the plot has no substance. it's meant to be consumed in a rapid binge, because if not you realize what low-effort and what little you're actually getting from it when you slow down and actually think about it.

4. i mean rachel does have some logic to her fancasting, the problem is it seems the only people of color are either demonized for being hypersexual (aphrodite, eros until he's with psyche) or are literally r//pists who are out to harm her white-fa casted persephone (apollo), so yeah, there is logic there, it's just pointing to rachel being (hopefully unintentionally) racist

5. It pisses me so much that I work over time  (using references and looking at paintings and reading history for ideas for interesting character motifs) so that any of the ancient greek characters I draw look cool and authentically greek, and yet fucking Rachel Smythe, who can't even be bothered to do more than 5 seconds of research to learn that not all ancient greek outfits were shitty, minimalist off white and eggshell, gets to be revered as an artistic revolutionary. It pisses me off so. Fucking. Much. Not just for me, but for everyone else like me who absolutely ADORES greek mythology and wants to draw accurate portrayals of these characters! To whoever is reading this, stop. Stop rn and go read Sleep and His Brother Death (a comic on webtoons), go play Hades (the video game), go read The Song of Achilles (a book by Madeline Miller). Those are beautiful pieces of fiction about Greek mythology that deserve your attention more then Rachel and her shitty pink highlighter self inserts.

And a sidenote, I know that this is kinda like a modern AU for the gods. I am aware. Does not change that fact that anytime any character is drawn in ancient greek fashion it's always the SAME. SHITTY. CHITON. Maybe with a.cape or a scarf, but for the most part? It's just the same stupid, off white chiton.

6. oh, i thought you guys were joking persephone is now stuck with red eyes. is that seriously what look we're stuck with now? does rachel know it looks really ugly?

7. i feel like the lineart less style actually hurts LO in a way. way too often you can look at a panel and it becomes really murky where something starts and ends, and it looks even worse on a phone screen, because on an even smaller screen the images look even more compressed, making it even harder to tell stuff apart. this wouldnt be as bad if the comic took back up its more high contrast look from the begging, but now it's all one flat shade and im not sure why.

8. im really confused over the marketing of LO, tbh. like the ads are all hxp focused, but the series name implies its not about them, but focusing on the 12 olympians, but then the synopsis is general mythology and at the very end randomly mentions its about persephone? but then you read it and nots sure whether its a teen romance, a comedy, a serious drama, and can't stay straight with its messaging and timeline? and persephone is not there for a chunk of time. like whats actually going on?? 😭

9. Chapter 173 is like 50% filler. It gives more questions that answers, and not just from the reporters. Like the reporter stuff was mostly filler, and the Persphone and Hades stuff was like yeah we know dont need to drag this on.

My questions are WHAT ARE THE RED EYES? Is it when she’s mad? Horny? Sad? Happy? I feel like the red eyes just show up whenever RS wants to draw them

Flying? I feel like Persphone has always been flying like it wasn’t a bug moment at all. She flew home when Minthe and Hades kissed. But apperently Demeter didn’t know? I guess I don’t remember her flying in the mortal realm but her flying didn’t seem like a big moment, none of the other characters seemed surprised by it.

“Answer mine first!” When i got to that line I reread some of it just to find where the question was. That line normally matters when you’ve already asked the question not if you haven’t gotten there yet. Like of course Demeter is gonna be worried and ask a million questions.

I know the pomegranate pin is gonna be important but I felt the focus on it was a little too much, like an excuse not to cover more this chapter. Because honestly it felt like 5 minutes of the plot was covered in this chapter. 

10. So uh, whats up with Hades weird ass comments... Like "Persephone you look beautiful and if someone says otherwise they can go play on the highway" ???

Because Persephone looking good during a murder trial is clearly the most important thing here.

Also, Perse's response to the reporter who asked her about her friendship with Hades. I mean, on one hand Persephone is right, her "friendship" (or whatever it is they have going on) is nobodies business but her own - but at the same time, its kinda also the underworld denizens right to know in the sense that their future leadership could be affected so they might want to know whats going on if their getting a new co-ruler / Queen that they will be subjects of. They probably will want to know who Persephone is, should she and Hades get married because it's very likely that when (cause lets be real its a 'when' not 'if' they get married) they do get married that Persephone will inherit half the title.

So, eh?

[honestlyandrogynousnightmare]

magic reveal

So ive been thinking about the magic reveal we did get and also the different magic reveals we COULD have gotten so i thought id project all my thoughts into another massive tumblr rant:

personally, i dont think the magic reveal was bad at all. yes, i wouldve done it slightly differently, i think it was done way too late in the show and left little time to explore how that reveal affected merlin and arthurs relationship, and obviously we never actually ended up seeing if magic was legalised and all. but i dont hate the magic reveal we got. the key part i really love is that it was done on Merlins own terms, he could have just lied, but instead he finally told Arthur the truth and i think that there were many reasons for that decision being made. 

firstly, Merlin definitely felt guilty and blamed himself for Arthur being stabbed, he must have at least partly blamed himself because everything he did directly led to Mordred turning into a little shit. Part of him might have just felt as if he owes Arthur that explanation yknow. secondly, i feel like by that point he was tired of lying in general, he needed to get that secret off his chest. those two things combined with the fact that Arthur was dying may have pushed him to telling the truth,  because deep down he did know that it was probably the last chance to tell Arthur the truth. 

i liked how they presented Arthurs reaction too, the clear message there was that Athur was angry at the lying, thats the part he saw as betrayal, not the magic itself. he didnt want to believe that Merlin was a liar, when he always saw him as the one person that was entirely honest with him. hell, he still trusted him enough to send him back to Camelot and Gwen so he knew Merlin wasnt evil. If the writers actually did a good job at developing Arthurs character, i feel like itd be more obvious that Arthurs stance on magic was different from his fathers, but yknow bbc and their shoddy writing. I love that moment of acceptance as well, when he tells Merlin that he doesnt want him to change. He doesnt even now about all the things Merlin sacrificed and lost in order to protect Arthur and Camelot but he still accepts him. I think that when he first fund out it was all like “holy crap i dont even know him” but after spending a few hours with Merlin he realises that its still the exact same person he knew the week before. 

anddddd as much as i like the way they did that magic reveal, the ending of the show left me with no closure and a lot of tears. my ideal magic reveal wouldve happened earlier, either at the start of season 5 or near the end of season 4. It would give us a chance to see them talk it out, and god we know that there would be arguing, and if arthur wasnt dying he would probbaly be shouting but the key part here is that arthur wouldnt hurt merlin. i think he culd consider sending him away if his father was still king just to protect him but we all know merlin would reply with “no <3″. but since i cant see the reveal happening when uther is king, i will be ignoring that scenario. and again, theres many ways this could play out.

the one way that ive always found interesting was arthur figuring it out on his own, because he may be an idiot, but hes not stupid. *if you like this sort of thing read “so close and im halfway to it  on ao3, its a merthur fic and the magic reveal in that one makes me cry so much and the fic is so well written* I feel like at one point, he would just put the pieces together, and it would all make so much sense to him? Merlins random disappearances and scars would make sense, the luck he had when it came to fights, Merlins weird reactions when someone mentioned magic, how on earth merlin of all people managed to survive every battle and fight arthur was in when some of his best knights didnt. 

then theres the very cliche “merlin using magic mid battle to save everyone” reveal. because its mid battle, i really cant picture them talking it out there lol,  i picture a lot of ignoring but also if other people saw him using magic, we all know the first thing arthur would do is give the knights a good old “if you kill him i will kill you and then myself”, it wouldnt be until later that they would actually talk. 

and then like the canon magic reveal, theres Merlin doing it on his own terms. i personally really like thhis one because it gives him so much more control over the situation and over his words. *another fic rec here if you like this sorta thing, its called “to the world that let you by” and its really beautiful and made me cry at 1am so there you go, and as you guessed it, its another merthur*. i love this reveal because it gives merlin a chance to explain, and arthur a chance to listen and try to understand. 

now there are loads of different sub categories that could go into those, like Arthur finding merlin creating butterflies out of thin air lol, but i wont go into those. whatever reveal would happen, i feel like “the talk” after would usually end up in a similar way. Arthurs reaction would be similar to what we got in the canon reveal, because the actual magic isnt what would hurt most.  it would be the lies. Arthur has been lied to and betrayed by so many people you cant really expect him not to react badly to being lied to. the magic sure would confuse him and put him in a difficult position, because you have to keep in mind that his entire life he has been told that magic is pure evil, and to him, merlin is the polar opposite of that. i think it would just make him question everything, like does he even know this man? has he won any of his battles or has it always been merlin? why is he in camelot? why would a sorcerer be serving him? but he wouldnt hurt him. he wouldnt even consider that imo, sure, he will demand an explanation, but he wouldnt actually thin about hurting him. 

and merlin would understand why hes angry about the lying, that much is obvious. and he would be reluctant to tell arthur about the things that were happening behind his back all those years, but he would be honest. and go that conversation would be hard for both of them, i cant really imagine them having it without a lot of crying, shouting and even more wine tbh. arthur isnt good at listening which is why this would be so hard for him too, but merlin has to be honest, completely honest with arthur for the first time in his life and thatd be difficult. 

and i think merlin would handle arthurs reactions well, even if arthur decided to lose his temper lol. but i can still imagine him being a bit bitter if arthur judged his choices and stuff when it came to poisoning morgana and freeing the dragon, asking what on earth HE would do in that situation. where the only choices he sees are bad ones, and he has to pick the one thats least evil. 

arthur would probably be most pissed off at the thing about his mother tbh, because merlin outright lied there, usually its just deflecting but he made that deliberate choice to lie. but i really do think he would understand all of this, while not every choice merlin did was good, he did it with good intention. 

and then arthur would remove the ban on magic and they would kiss and get married amd live happily ever aft-

thanks bbc.

anyway if you want any more magic reveal fics (or links to the ones i mentioned, ao3 can be bloody annoying sometimes) feel free to comment or message me or anything, i have a couple more in my bookmarks. 

thanks for reading this rant, scuse the bad grammar, id love to hear your thoughts and opinions on this and magic reveals in general so feel free to comment! have a great day<3

[alotsgonnachange]

Mystic Messenger Saeran’s AE Thoughts (.......And Prayers..) #Spoilerz

Hello, I just finished Saeran’s after ending and I have a lot of things to say and I am going to write it down while I'm still all keyed up about it.

First of all… Please DO NOT ask me how much money I spent to finish this as fast as I did…. I’m grown but my bank account is certainly going to have a good ole fashioned CHUCKLE at this….. It’s been a long quarantine I deserve a lil happiness as a treat methinks!

I have been playing this absolutely insane game since I think 2016? When I first started playing the deep routes had JUST come out I think? And I was just finishing up high school and am now a college grad...lmao

I’ve played all routes at least once except Jaehee but i’ve seen walkthroughs of her route (I’ve heard it makes you hate Jumin and he’s my favorite so um. hehe). V’s and Saeran’s routes I found to be so emotionally intense and just….a lot and I've been waiting a long ass god damn time for this after ending okay…. I would theorize and make up an ending in my head but i’m no writer so it was hard to figure out lol. I’m a Jumin stan mostly but I love everybody and yeah I should probably play that jumin dlc too but I need like a DAY to recover from Saeran’s AE. Enough about me HERE are my thoughts on it overall

Major Saeran AE Spoilers under da cut!

Can we please discuss V showing up to the C+R conference room with basically chloroform and made everybody Pass Out like??? I was alone in my room at like midnight just SCREAMING at my phone???? And the creepy ass CG ???? It’s like that gif of sarah paulson from ahs being like “I put arsenic in the wine….and the pasta”

Anyway I screamed at V a lot during this process!!

Loved RFA being sweet and kind to saeran (before V fucking drugged them…)

This is such common V behavior “I have to do it all myself...there’s no other way..” GIRL SHUT UPPP You do this every route....

SO many CG’s and I enjoy them a lot

Saeran’s sprite looks a little TOO crisp compared to everyone else but maybe its a glitch??? V next to him is in 480p while saeran is like 1080p

Hearing both Saeran and Saeyoung missing the other brother the whole time??? PAIN. All my homies know is PAIN

BOSS and his V for Vendetta ass guy fawkes mask??? I literally yelled “this game is TERRIBLE!!” several times at my phone

Their dad is so>??????? When he was sitting on the couch with saeyoung in that one CG while simultaneously telling him to kill himself?????????? Maybe chairman han is actually the best dad in this game somehow

When V and Rika were like we’re back together teehee teehee okay pack it up bonnie and clyde ..

When chairman han calls u and says hes jealous of u and saeran…..HUH????? I’m calling HR

When they go to the apartment and see boss and vanderwood and poor saeyoung is sitting there seeing his brother for the first time in years i wanted to D word sooooo bad like PAIN...PAIN….

Can we HAVE A DISCUSSION ABOUT JUMIN HAN BEING THE BEST CHARACTER IN THE GAME AND HE LOST EVERYTHING IN THIS AE……. he just took the blame and moved on jumin what the hell….. I love him so much r we serious? He watched his 2 closest friends betray him in the worst way and found out abt how Rika abused Saeyoung and Saeran???? I felt just AWFUL. Terrible ...Terrible….

Rika’s change in demeanor from Saeran's actual route is certainly a Choice. I find her much more bearable this time around and unfortunately i think I was too nice to her and ended up with a bad end LMFAO

I was happy to see Saeran stand up for himself and become stronger and confident. You go king!

The CG of Yoosung laying in Zen’s lap is everything to me…

HOWEVER YUP I sure did get a bad ending and I was so mad fdsafdskfdhsf ! (I would be happy to clarify how I got the good one the second time.) MAKE SURE To SAVE EARLY in days 2 and 3 bc the branches on day 4 is where the bad end will show up. For me it was the first day 4 chat and then a story mode titled “SAVIOR”.... If you see that RUN FOR THE HILLS!!

I was so mad! But I had saved in day 2 and replayed and MANAGED to get good end

I’m obsessed with everyone calling V and Rika “that psychotic couple” like…..its true its true…

No those two are so toxic… V’s route was torture watching them go on and on about the sun like yo can yall just call each other babe like normal people.

I respect straight people but not V and RIka that shit was just wrong… Straight marriage was a mistake

Oh lord i also FULLY Forgot Rika killed the twins’ mother…. Yeah that scene was um Certainly a lot but it needed to happen eventually

Like it’s good they know but damn that storyline is just so bleak

I think it was satisfying TO A DEGREE….To see Rika understand where she was wrong, why she was wrong, fess up and even APOLOGIZE! I was very surprised.

Saeran and Saeyoung are Certainly twins with the amount that those two self sacrifice in every route MY GOD…..

The scene with Jumin talking to his father and the other scene of him praying oh my god I cannot tell you how happy I was to see him begin to understand and address his own feelings in a route that was not his own. My main problem with Jumin’s route has always been the trapping MC in his penthouse aspect.. This way Jumin understands love and emotions without being overly possessive !!! YAY also loved seeing him be on good terms with his dad who was surprisingly profound

That last Story mode was Really a Lot…. and Strange things occurred which I will get into in just a minute

Jumin becoming a politician is so funny but ngl … i see it.

Yoosung going to france to study pastries ok king I see u! (it made more sense to me than the vet thing anyway)

Lastly Zen FURRY ERA

MY BEEF With the AE

I was happy with how they handled it for the most part. I think Cheritz heard our feedback about V’s after ending and was like okay….let’s try something different

HOWEVER

Saeran…. Sweet kind saeran… IS SO AFFECTIONATE HAHA….

He must have said I love you like 300 times…..very mushy gushy flowery language...and maybe that’s just his personality but for me it was like eating cake with buttercream cake. It means well, but god damn is it sugary and going to cause a stomach ache later.

He was just… SO MUCH! SO forward and ON all the time in his affections. I honestly felt kind of smothered and by day 3 and 4 I was sooooo over all the compliments… King you’ve come a very long way, but ur still putting MC on a pedestal and probably need to see a therapist.

Nextly….Rika and V….. Naw that knock out gas really ...that hurt lol. Coming from “I would do anything to protect RFA” V? Idk like…. EYE felt betrayed reading that. It was just hurtful. I can’t even imagine how the members would have felt as they were passing out. It was just so cruel. I suppose I understand why but like?? Just TERRIBLE

Them being in cahoots with the agency and the prime minister..HUH??? Also too much

V just felt so irresponsible like I do understand that he ended up in a weird web of secrets that’s hard to untangle but he’s so fucking stubborn he’s SO stubborn it makes me insane. Like sir… It seems like in other routes he wanted to try to protect Rika and the RFA.. But in this AE it seems more to me that he was like yeah i’m protecting Rika and That’s It… so fucking hurtful to me. Both of y’all apologize ESPECIALLY to the twins and Jumin..

The forgiveness thing…… Okay so I think some people will not like that Saeran decided to “forgive” the people who hurt him (Rika, V, Saejoong, his mother). I would point out that I actually think this was approached somewhat well. He says at one point that he doesn’t think they’re good or bad, just people. I think he sounded mature and like this was the way for him personally to accomplish his healing process. Would I have loved for Saeran to flip V and Rika off and kick Saejoong off a cliff? Yea I really would. But like…. If that’s what HE needs to do to heal then who am I to judge?

HOWEVER…. Everything Eye just said goes out the window when the scenes at the end with Saejoong come up… I was PERPLEXED. Like why did he HUG his deranged father who just kicked the shit out of him??? Also all the chat options that MC has with him r like blah blah you’re like this because no one loves you were so corny to me LMFAOOOO?

AND WHEN HE WAS IN THE ROOM LATER WITH SAERAN… i’m sorry but if that were me I would have called a nurse to deck his ass. Cool he turned himself in YOU SUCK SOOOO BAD AND I NEVER WANT YOU TO COME NEAR SAEYOUNG AND SAERAN AGAIN THANKS.

*scratches ass* I wish I got to see saeyoung and saeran finally sit down and have that first conversation after a long time and hug CG but the ending was fine I GUESS….. I dont care about ROMANCE I want those boys to be happy brothers together

Anyway that was really emotionally exhausting but I fr think I got it out of my system after literal years… And I can rest in peace knowing the choi twins are happy. THATS ALL I WANTED TO KNOW!!!!

[ashdreams2023]

ik i have asked for a reqest before but i was gonna ask if i can get an encanto match up, you can also say no if u like.

Hi my name is rex, i’m queer and use they/them pronouns and i’m 15. And i would prefer someone not over the age of 19 plz.

have like a caramel colored skin-tone (i feel like saying im black may be easier but 🤷🏽‍♀️) and im 5’3. Rn i have a purple-pink short mullet and i have pretty curly hair, im pretty chubby but i have an hourglass shape (but i have super noticeable hip dips) , i got pretty big fucking tittes (not even in a bragging way, im a fuckin k cup bro😭) and thicc thighs(thicc thighs save lives, sorry i’ll stop). I dress pretty alternative but i cant just choose one subculture tho, i wear a lot of heavy eye makeup. I could say i dress kinda “showy” but thats kinda what only fits me, but also who gives a fuck.

Honestly I don’t really have a type. Tbh most of my relationships have ended pretty badly cause they ether only wanted something sexual from me or I was “too clingy” when i just wanted basic ass affection. But the most I want is someone who is physically affectionate (like kisses, cuddles, and hugs for days) also im ok with pda to an extent like i will hug and like cuddle you but im not gonna make out with your infront of others thats weird af.

Im a libra sun, scropio moon, and gemini rising. This means that im a pretty social person and always wanna hang out with friends and just have fun, but moon in scropio makes my emotions rlly haywire and kinda boosts any sorta negative emotion, which is hard when you have chronic anxiety and major depressive disorder. Which also means i take medication for it, which i forget a lot. And because of these things i have anxiety tics, where it ranges to making noices and twitching a bit to full on hitting myself and saying random shit. But I really like making people laugh, it makes me feel helpful, but im also good at being to mother figure for people. I also like playfully bantering with people, like i love you but will full on roast you and get into fake fist-fights. I am a bit of a violent person at times but I have a punching bag and boxing gloves which help a lot. But I only get that angry when someone uses an insecurity of mine against me or is talking bad about someone i love, cause it you do that im beating your ass. I do have a bit of body insecurities mainly about my hip-dips and stomach. But because im curvy i get hit on by adults a lot and its creepy as fuck.

My hobbies include art (painting, drawing), sleeping (because i stay up mad late😭✌🏽), reading comics, Marvel and D.C superheroes, and super villains, cartoons, and anime/manga.

My favorite music genre’s are rock, alternative, emo, rap, and a little bit if indie music.

Personality: funny, sarcastic, creative, kind, inappropriate and the right times. Like im not gonna pull out a dick joke in front of your family

I don’t really have a type and im queer so i dont have a gender preference, but anyone who’s love language is physical affection cause im a clingy bitch

I have a couple ideal dates. So the first one is like an indoor picnic and a movie, an arcade date, and a stargazing date where you get take out or fast food and drive up a hill to see the stars and you like cuddle n shit.

Mirabel

She will hug the crap out of you and give extra love to your chubby self

Likes your style, I can see her sewing you something unique like a jacket or maybe some cool pair of pants with cute designs on them

She understood your boundaries and no worries the most she’s gonna do is kiss your cheeks and call you cute

She’s very social herself, all the town knows who she is obviously and with that you two always end up talking to someone on your walks there

Will hold your hand all the time in public or let you grab onto her arm just to be close to you

She quickly learns about your tics and genuinely tries to help calm you down in uncomfortable situations and handle anyone who gives weird looks

She tries to be positive and none violent but goodness if someone actually disrespect someone you love she won’t hold you down

You two would bond over superheroes and stories, since you don’t sleep early she has many sleepovers at your place or if her and her cousins have one big slumber party you’re always invited

Definitely into stargazing, when everyone is asleep in the casita you could see so many stars laying down on the ground next to each other in the main yard.

[dontforgetthedragon]

i wanna talk about hanazawa teruki

(preface: written before the eric trump thing)

yes this is a weird time to be talking about mp100 i know but i was rewatching the anime recently and its only starting to occur to me just how bad i feel for this boy

like, i feel that the first time i watched mp100 my impression of teru was just feral wildchild who speedruns his redemption arc and also has the worst fashion sense but, like, there’s a lot more complexity to our boy teru than that

and its not really until s1 ep11 that it really clicked that the root of a lot of teru’s actions is that he is a child who has been fundamentally failed by the adults in his life

we dont know an awful lot about teru’s parents, other than the fact that he doesnt live with them and, from the manga, we learn they are almost always away on business trips. ekubo theorises that the reason for this is that he has had to hide from claw over and over, so it’s possible he distanced himself from them for their safety. but regardless of the exact details, the fact is they were clearly unable to protect him from the threats in his life. those were things he had to deal with on his own

when we the viewers first encounter hanazawa teruki, shadow leader of black vinegar middle school, it is when he is sent for as a last resort and as the school’s secret unbeatable weapon. he is the one everyone else is relying on, while he relies on no-one but himself. no wonder he developed such an inflated sense of his own importance and power!!! no wonder he thinks hes untouchable!!! when has anyone in his life ever been able to do a better job at anything than him??? he can use his powers to solve all the obstacles in his life - cheat at tests, do well in sports, get popular, win fights - when other people have problems, they come to him

when he has problems, he cant really go to anyone - not even his flakey parents. because if he cant deal with them, whats the likelihood anyone else can? he has to solve it all himself - but at the point we first meet him, he’s always been able to. so whats the big deal, right?

but thats a precarious place to stand

teru doesnt get to learn and fail and make mistakes like a child should. he doesnt have that safety net. his entire approach to life thus far relies on him always succeeding, so he needs to already be the best. success has to be a given because it is this belief that makes up the very foundations of his world, that makes him feel safe and stable. so his reaction to discovering shigeo’s existance is about more than just threatened pride, its about threatened stability as well. because if shigeo is stronger than him, then that means people can be stronger than him, that any mundane-looking person could be. that his ability to thrive by himself is not guaranteed

what happens to him then? he doesnt have anyone to fall back on

(its important to stress that feeling safe and secure is more important to him than being safe and secure. the extremity of his reaction speaks more to a maladaptive psycological response than something actually helpful)

and then he is beaten. soundly. and he has to accept that

it puzzled me in my first watch-though how quickly teru goes from extreme aggression towards and nearly strangling mob to genuine friendliness and even affection. but with this understanding it makes perfect sense

we see from teru’s attempts to speak to claw members that on the surface he has absorbed and understood shigeo’s words. no-one is more important than anyone else. seeing yourself as the main character of the world or as inherently more deserving because of psychic powers is a huge mistake. but your subconcious feelings and beliefs are harder to change and by the end of ep 11 it becomes clear that, for teru, these have simply shifted from i am the most important and powerful character in the world and i cannot be beaten to kageyama-kun is the most important and powerful character in the world and he cannot be beaten. which isnt much better

once he accepts his defeat and relative irrelevance, letting go of his pride, it must have been a relief for teru to know an esper more powerful than him. especially one like shigeo, who showed such a stubborn desire for friendliness and civil relations toward him, even in the face of teru’s open aggression. finally, teru has someone he can turn to for help. someone he can rely on when things get too tough to handle himself. someone else to hand that responsibility to

he goes after claw because he feels that with mob on his side he stands a fighting chance. when ritsu and teru both admit their powers arent enough, its shigeo they turn to. when the group are being attacked by multiple scars at once, teru is the voice opposing reigen, screaming out in desperation - while fending off attacks with increasing futility - that mob needs to do something, that he’s the only one with the power to defeat them

the issue is, thats not fair on shigeo

teruki’s unstable and neglectful upbringing has left him with a warped sense of the kind of responsibility a middle schooler should hold. the idea of turning to an adult for help, or even giving an adult’s words any weight, is completely foreign to him at this point because, in his experience, age has little bearing on power or even effective authority. he’s had to make his own way through life without adults to rely on, so he genuinely doesnt understand the issue with putting this burden on shigeo’s shoulders. they need to defeat the scars attacking them, and kageyama-kun is the one with the power to do it. ergo, kageyama needs to use his power to defeat the scars. whats so wrong about that?

teru isnt really a sad character; he’s very practical about his situation and we never see him wallow in bitterness at these injustices. but im also not sure he actually realises how much childhood growth and development space he’s been robbed of, and that makes it hard for him to face his own failings

[rfadaydreaming]

Hi hi yes I am the same 417!! ^-^

Ur response was just- udbridjid PERFECTO i love it. Although lets be real here, for that "1 kiss per spare minute" thing, if i finished an hour early, I'D be the one thats wide-eyed and red in the face-- before anything even happens. Sev might get a little flustered but i think he's sadistic side/confidence would kick in at the sight of my already very flustered self lmaoooo

Physical contact as the reward- Hhh yes pls!! Honestly lolol i feel affection starved sometimes even though i have a great mom... i mean i dont do a lot of physical affection with her aside from a quick hug every night, although ive recently been hugging the crap out of my friends whenever i see them (ik ik, pandemic and all that, but i srsly get help it, quarantine is draining me drying of all the attention and (verbal) affection i used to get lolol. But, hey, it made me realize how much i crave affection in the first place :'D)

Also yes yes yes!! The clinking of rings against bottles and door handles and just about anything metal! I seem to be pretty affected by touch and sound -- clinky metal, soft things, crunchy leaves, biting something-- dude i hate that emergency/amber alert/flash flood/etc alert sound. It legit starred in a nightmare last week and l was literally left paranoid all day :(

Okay one lasst thing i swear lolol-- my energy??? U like my energy??? I give off good vibes?? TTTTTTTT no UR sweet

[417]

(Its 1:30 a.m. dont mind the ~ramble~)

YES starving for affection rn is normal i feel like... the world is soo weird we’re all little petri dishes so it’s easy to start to feel disconnected :(( BUT at least we have fics n shows n characters to make things a little more easier though hehe that’s literally getting me through this pandemic rn omg my comfort characters <33

dude the emergency sound is actually vile i HATE IT !! i want it to be revoked for good it always scares me on such a core level it’s a Deep Uncomfy like. smth is so wrong with it i want it deleted off this earth so bad

n yes omg no UR da sweetest you have rlly sweet n warm vibes so u get... the <3 tag right off the bat! tadaaa <3

[asrasotherbottom]

First, I hope you get all the support and love you deserve dear. ^^ You are FANTASTIC! Second, I am clinically depressed with high anxiety. How would the six handle someone with those qualities? The fretting and low, days where you want to disappear, worrying that no one really cares it just an act?

Thank you!

I’m writing this based on my experiences and the experiences of those close to me, and i 100% understand those aren’t universal. and my interpretations of the characters are not Law or universal. I just wanna say blanketly, that I hope youre doing alright and that you also get the support and love you deserve and that you are safe. Content warning for suicidal ideation (that feeling where youd rather just not exist without like A Desire to act), anxiety, depression. Under a readmore so please take care of yourself and don’t click if you might be negatively effected by reading about this also its long as hell.  

Suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386.

Asra:

- His heart literally aches with you

-Brings you tea in bed for days that you cant leave bed either because depression or because anxiety

-Will sit with you for hours just so you’re not alone, even if youre feeling awful. 

-Cares 50000% less about the shop than he does about you, and if youre having a bad brain day he will just lock up and sit with you and hold your hand. 

-Will encourage you to get out a little if you can, maybe for a nice walk in the woods to collect mushrooms with him because sometimes getting out and doing something helps. 

-Is good at finding secluded secret ways to get around bc fuck people. 

-He’s bffs with Muriel so hes pretty good with dealing with self loathing and anxiety already. 

-Asra i think has a really good response to the “nobody cares and its just an act” because his magic mark will just glow when he puts his hand over your heart and its really hard to argue with “made a deal with the devil to resurrect you” if the argument is “nobody actually cares” and that was 100% his choice and hes not afraid to tell you that. 

-Can, will, wants to, just ramble at you at length about how much he loves you and exactly why and will spend hours refuting your arguments which is tiring but maybe helps you feel a little better by the end. 

-If things are just So Bad? If you want to disappear? he’ll nap with you just to be close to you and keep you safe.

-Will bring you to his oasis to walk around and help keep you safe if you really just want to disappear and he’ll try to cheer you up there which is admittedly mostly just pointing at tiny weird magic bugs and stars (but at least your body is safe). 

-Deep deep down he’s still the person who brought his mom a button when she was sick so he’ll try anything to cheer you up. Faust too. 

-He’ll even talk to Julian to see if he knows anything or anything to ease your pain a little. 

-Will sit and just Listen to all your pain and be just Present for you. 

-He loves you more than life itself and will definitely be receptive to anything you say about things that might help.

Julian-

-Extremely similar hat. 

-But goddamnit if you made HIM feel better about being alive and worthy and deserving of love, he is absolutely going to return the favor. 

-Anxiety? he knows all the back alleys to avoid people

-Doesn’t mind staying home from the rowdy raven to sit with you if youre too anxious to go. 

-If you need a small dark quiet place to be alone and calm down? Hes got just the place (the hole at maz’s and he’ll even come in with you if you want because it makes you smile to see you both try to cram in there)

-Depression or anxiety making food hard? Some of maz’s soup will fix you right up.

-You find him in the middle of the night pouring over medical texts about depression and anxiety, looking for anything to help you at all. 

-He’ll sit up with you on nights that you cant sleep because of anxiety or because youre just too sad. 

-He’ll definitely lay in bed with you while you cry. 

-He found someone who truly and entirely loves him and he will cling to you for dear life, and tell you all the things he loves about you whenever you need or want to hear them. 

-He probably is gonna try a leech at least once. 

-Brings you to the docks at night because its calm and peaceful and away from everything. 

-After his upright end he definitely learned the importance of a support system and isnt afraid to enlist it to help keep you happy and safe. 

Nadia-

- Shes extremely concerned that someone who lights up her entire life can be so sad. 

-But shes not about to sit back and do Nothing. 

-She can and will cancel any event or meeting if it means she can sit in bed with you and hold you while you cry or if her presence with you soothes some of your anxiety. 

-She’ll bring you to her contemplation tower if you need a place to just get away from everything thats making you anxious. 

-Will also bring you to the magical realms to help keep you safe and help cheer you up. 

-Enlists the finest doctors that she can find if you’d like. 

-She’ll take long baths with you where you two can just sit in the hot water and you can cry while she strokes your hair. 

-If you feel like shes just faking her affections towards you then expect a bit of a surprised scoff followed by a 4 hour powerpoint presentation about every single thing she loves about you and how you make her feel 

-You feel like youre not good enough? “I’m the fucking countess and i could have had literally anyone in vesuvia or beyond but i want you” 

-Will pick you up and spin you if she sees you smile because shes just so happy to see you happy. 

-Horseback riding as a way to help clear your head and escape anxiety is a given. 

-Shes really attentive to making sure you stay fed, in fresh clothes, and bathed, even during bad depressive times so that it doesnt pile on to your bad feelings.

Muriel-

-If not same hat then EXTREMELY similar hat

-Lives in the forest so hes all about that avoiding social anxiety life. 

-If you ever feel unsafe Inanna can and will lay entirely on top of you. 

-Feeding chickens and petting inanna as anxiety relief for both of you. 

-He’ll definitely hold you against his chest or with your head in his lap while you cry if you need it. 

-Muriel hates seeing you sad, and doesnt always know exactly what to do or say but he’ll make you eggs all the time to make sure youre still eating when youre sad. 

-Will remind you that youre like the only person hes ever truly let in to his heart and he doesnt want to lose you.

-Will also remind you that he gave you the myrrh voluntarily because he….wants you to remember him. hes never wanted to be remembered before. he never asked for it back. 

- He really empathizes with wanting to disappear but he doesnt want that when hes with you and he wants to work hard to help you feel the same way with him. 

-Long quiet walks in the forest together. 

-He’ll take you stargazing and tell you all the things he loves about the beauty of the forest and the stars…and you. 

-Big Hugs for Big Sads

-Enlists asra and nadia’s help if he feels he needs it, but he cares about you enough that he’d willingly seek out help for you. 

Portia-

-Yeets pepi at you Like A Football. 

-”Peep?? Peep Peep”

-Youre gonna feel better if it kills her. 

-Gardening to help with sadness, touching dirt always helps. She’ll spend hours with you in the garden, helping you create like beauty with your hands. 

-Chase the goddamn cockatoo with a broom to make you smile. 

-Enlist’s Maz and Maz’s soup as well. 

-Helps you find secret passageways to hide in when your anxiety is too much. 

-Too sad to leave bed? Portia will carry you and your blanket. 

-Is having none of that “oh what if you dont actually love me” business. She’s super used to Julian’s self loathing and depression that shes moved on to slightly tougher love. 

-She loves you and shes going to keep telling you that and shes not going anywhere. 

-She gets soft when you cry though and will cling to you for dear life and not move for hours. 

-”How dare you talk about the person i love like that” - Portia, to you, when you talk about reasons you hate yourself. 

-Cries with you though. 

-Doesn’t like when she has to go to work when you’re in a bad mental space so shes asks nadia for you to have just a nice room in the palace reserved for you that you can lay in so she can come check on you during the day. 

-Shes great for bad anxiety days because she has no problem doing social interactions for you. The thought of going to buy some herbs brings you to tears? No problem, she has no idea what herbs shes buying but shes Gonna Do It. 

-The strength of Portias hugs is liable to just squeeze the depression right out of you along with also your internal organs probably. 

Lucio-

-”How can you be depressed?? You’re dating ME, the COUNT! ……….Can I help?”

-He definitely tries to use his sex appeal to lighten your mood, it probably works sometimes (or at least gets a laugh out). 

-Gets extremely startled when you cry but holds you tight against him. 

-Cancels meetings, cancels plants, cancels the entirety of the Vesuvia if he has to in order to stay in bed with you when youre having a bad depression day. 

-You can cry into M&M’s fur as long as you’re not wearing any makeup :P

-Gets worried and hides the pointy tips for his gauntlet. 

-Absolutely having none of the “nobody really cares and its just an act” hes the COUNT! He could have anyone anytime he wanted! You were the first warmth and compassion he felt in years! The first person to really actually love him for /him/! he gets way more emotional than he plans to but he feels very strongly about this

- 4 hour powerpoint presentation on all the reasons hes into you

-Tries really hard to find material things that will help your mood. Gold? Silk? Furs? Sweets? Watching fistfights? Anything?

- He knows what its like to really disappear and hes not about to let that happen to you. 

-He’ll never admit it to anyone but you but hes clinging to you with everything he has and he will work tirelessly to help support you. 

-”Will petting my hair help you relax”

-Ropes Julian, Nadia,and Asra into things to help you, but they dont mind because its You theyre helping really. 

-Anxiety? “Oh don’t worry, I’ll make /sure/ all eyes are on me” it maybe doesnt help exactly as intended but watching him be ridiculous eases the tension a little. 

-Deep deep down he knows in his soul Deep Sadness and it makes him surprisingly good at supporting you. 

i hope this was what you wanted!!!! 

[ftazcras]

was  that  azura  chesky  i  just  saw  hurrying  across  the   quad  ?  you’d  think  they  would  know  what  happens  when  a  sophomore  is  late  to  class .  then  again  ,  the  fashion  major  has  been  known  to  be  pretty  finicky .  maybe  being  so  effulgent  helps  keep  them  out  of  trouble  .  i  heard  they  are  bicurious  and  love  daddy  kink  &  choking .

name   :  azura  juliette  chesky  .

nickname/s   :   az , zura  ,  aj  .

birthdate   :   november  fifth  ,  thus  making  her  a  scorpio  .

age   :   twenty  one  .

gender   :    cisfemale  ,  she   ╱  her . 

hometown   :  charlottesville   virginia   but  she  lived  in  venice  italy  for  four  years  after  mother  left  .

sexuality   :  bicurious  .

   INCEPTION :

honeyed  hues  and  rosy  lips  ,  you  are  porcelain   features  and   the  daughter  of  a  man  who  would  give  you  his  world  and  everything  beyond  that  ..  you  grew  up  with  financial  privilege  and  the  sound  of  sweet  laughter  falling  from  reflected  features  .   your  childhood  consisted  of  cotton  candy  skies  blending  into  the  craved  oceans  that  devour  painted  toe  nails  .  the   gentle  tug  on  your  arm  as  you  allow  your  twin  brother  to  pull  you  into  one  of  his  schemes  .   you  do  not  like  to  talk  about  the  day  your  mother  walked  out  on  you  ,  nor  the  nights  you  begged   the  skies  above  you  to  answer  all  of  the  why’s  you  had  ..  why  did  she  leave  ,  why  weren’t  you  good  enough ..  why  did  she  not  love  you .  it  shaped  you  more  then  you  would  like  ,  but  you’d  never  admit  that  .  

PERSONALITY  AND  FAST  FACTS  :  

effulgence  in  human  form  is  accurate  for  azura,  she  is  a  bubbly   energetic child  who  does  not  know  how  to  stop  her  lips  from  rambling  .   as  her  brother  would  announce  ,  she  likes  the  sound  of  her  own  voice  (  despite  everyone  else  around  her  having  a  different  opinion .  )  

she  is  clumsy  ,  which  is  ironic  considering  she  is  a  beast  on  a  cheer  mat  .  but  the  minute  she’s  off  she’s  tripping  .  falling  .  busting  ass  .  all  of  her  most  embarrassing  moments  consist  of  her   falling .

she  is  a  goof  ball  ,  tends  to  always  be  teasing  someone  .  

entirely  affectionate  and  not  always  in  a  sexual  way  ,  she  genuinely  just  enjoys  simple  acts  such  as  holding  your  hand  .  resting  her  head  on  your  shoulder  .  she  is  the  friend  that  is  always  jumping  all  over  you  ,  will  sit  on  your  lap  despite  there  being  an  open  spot  right  there  .  and  of  course  ,  when  in  an  relationship  her  affection  does  not  differ  .  this  intensifies  when  she’s  drunk  .

despite  her  being  a  doll  baby  ,  when  it  comes  to  getting  to  know  her  on  an  emotional  level  she  can  be  difficult .  hard  to  please  ,  hard  to  get  .  

she  is  convinced  everyone  will  leave  her  ,  and  with  that  she  is  either  clinging  to  you  or  is  pretending  like  you  dont  mean  anything  to  her  to  help  convince  herself  that  when  you  do  leave  it  wont  hurt  .  

her   abandonment  is  not  something  she  admits  to  herself  ?  but  mostly  it’s  because  she’s  playing  this  game  of  hey  i  barely  even  remember  her  who  even  cares  i  dont  need  anyone  who  doesnt  need  me  .

she  is  entirely  loyal  to  her  friends  ,  and  takes  loyalty  seriously  .  there’s  nothing  worse  you  can  do  then  betray  her  (  or  lie  to  her  )  .

she  craves  meaningful  bonds  with  others  ,,,  it’s  her  most  toxic  and  selfish  trait  .  has  this  weird  thing  of  needing  to  know  that  if  she  disappeared  one  day  that  people  would  miss  her  ..   lose  their   minds  .  it  ties  into  her  constantly  feeling  disposable .

is  passionate  about  everything  she  does . super  ambitious    likes  having  things  to  put  her  energy  into  .

she  hates  being  viewed  as  anything  but  the  fun  loving  angel  she  usually  is  and  with  that  she  rarely  speaks  about  her  negative  emotions . refuses  to  cry  in  public .  which  is  funny  because  she  is  definitely  a  insensitive  to  the  streets  and  sensitive  in  private  kind  of  person  .

she  is  learning  that  being  her  sensitive  vulnerable  person  is  not  a  bad  thing  but  its  hard  for  her .

is  an  adrenaline  junkie  !!  likes  doing  things  that  make  her  heart  race  !!  loves  travelling  but  that’s  her  dads fault  .  

would  live  on  the  beach  if  she  could  (  she  grew  up  on  a  beach  literally  lived  in  the  water  )  .

she  grew  up  involved  in  almost  every  sport  .  soccer  ,  volleyball  ,  softball  ,  cheerleading  ,  she  even  did  competitive  surfing for  two  years .

cheerleading  is  her  sport  .  and  it  is  something  she  still  does  in  college  and  damn  is  she  good  at  it  .  ( prefers tumbling to most things ) 

she  is  one  of  those  party  girls  i  can  already  feel  in  .  stumbling  in  at  four  am  and  still  getting  up  at  nine  am  to  head  off  to  class  and  then  practice  before  doing  it  all  over  again  ..  she   is  adventurous  and  never  says  no  to  something  that  seems  fun  so  ??   dont  tempt  her .

she  speaks  fluent  italian !! 

highkeys  likes  being  handled  .  rough  sex  is  just  up  her  alley  .  likes  being  spanked  .  aggressiveness  turns  her  on  .   clearly  she  loves  being  choked .  is  definitely  a  please  daddy  puppy  eyes  and  all  kind  of  girl  .   more  submissive  then  anything else  .  cuffs  ,  ropes  ,  she’ll  do  it  .  oral  ,  tends  to  love  giving  but  who  doesnt  love   receiving  .  the  more  comfortable  she  is  with  you  the  more  she’ll  tend  to  do  . 

WANTED  CONNECTIONS  :  

platonic  soulmates  .  i  mean  picture  your  favorite  tv  duo  and  this  is  them  .  i  want  the  full  nine  yards  .  knowing  everything  about  each  other  to  their  orders  at  taco  bell  to  their  biggest  regrets .  summer  breaks  and  winter  breaks  you  can  spot  them  on  one  another  stories  doing  something  absolutely  stupid  .  they  text  non  stop  just  to  talk  shit  and  vent  about  their  day  ..  non  sexual  bubble  baths  .  sharing  clothing  .  anytime  one  posts  a  picture  you  can  see  the  other  in  the  comments  with  an  annoying   yesssssss  baby  .  

a  group  of  friends  !!  i  just  want  a  group  of  three  of  four  that  are  always  together  doing  the  most  .  they  have  a  groupchat  ,  post  pictures  non  stop  on  instagram  together  .   snapchat  stories  while  one’s  yelling  at  the  other  and  the  other  two  are  doing  something  stupid  and  laughing  about  it  .  inside  jokes  and  even  petty  arguments  that  always  end  up  in  being  solved  …  of  course  after  a  few  subtweets .

the  first  love  ?   good  terms  or  bad  terms   .  each  other’s  first  everything  .  still  have  such  a  soft  spot  for  one  another  .  could  still  be  friends  .  

an  on  and  off  lover  ..  something  a  little  messy  .  stupid  things  like  arguing  about  seeing  another  girl  on  his  story  or  watching  her  run  off  with  another  guy  .  late  night  texts  and  soft  forehead  kisses  .  only  if  they  could  get  their  shit  together  and  admit  how  much  they  actually  love  each  other  .

confidant  ?  something  real  soft  .  opening  up  about  their  darkest  secrets  .  her  finally  admitting  to  someone  that  she’s  scared  everyone  will  leave  her  .  drunk  sobs  as  they  play  with  her  hair  and  tell  her  everything  is  okay  .  that  she  will  be  okay  .

a  partner  in  crime  .  almost  getting  arrested  together  ?  three  am  stops  at  diners  to  eat  pancakes  and  bacon  .  vacations  that  consist  of  things  they  can  not  repeat  .  encouraging  each  other  to  take  that  last  shot  or  hook  up  with  that  person  .

friends  with  benefits  .  it  does  not  mean  anything  .  it  doesnt  ,  it  really  does  not  ..  or  at  least  thats  what  they  tell  each  other .   pulling  on  another  way  from  the  crowd  to  have  a  quickie  in  the  bathroom  .  late  night  on  rooftops  giggling  and  smoking  .  blowjobs  before  practices  and  games  .  wondering  if  they’re  more  then  friends

honestly  ??  give  me  all  types  of  plots  with  different  dynamics  .  i  live  for  cute  friendships  and  angst  angst  angst  .  i  want  childhood  friends  that  remind  her  of  when  times  were  much  simpler  .  family  friends  she  considers  cousins  because  that’s  how  close  they  are  .  ex  friends  that  refuse  to  speak  to  each  other  .  ex  friends  with  benefits  that  stopped  because  one  caught  feelings  or  maybe  they  were  just  bored  .  bad  influences  and  good  influences  ..  toxic  friendships  because  not  friends  and  then  friends  again  is  so  common .  one  sided  friendships  .  unlikely  friends .  love  /  hate  relationships  !  ex  best  friends  who  miss  each  other  like  crazy  ,  old  flings  and  teammates  .  study  buddies  who  help  her  keep  her  grades  up  in  the  mist   of  crazy  stories  and  hangovers .  friends  who  only  get  along  when  they’r e  both  drunk  out  their  minds .  actual  cousins  from  her  mothers  side  ???  her  dad’s sides  ? 

[yellowbluemoonshine]

Shimura Family (Observation)

I want to talk about Shimura family, ( maybe a little about their personalities), perspectives and their relationships. i just feel like needed to explain.

(well its not canon, its just my observation.)

Koutaro:

he was a normal kid, basically no different from kota (or maybe bakugou or todoroki or maybe even endeavour but not that far.)

he had a good relationship with Nana but Nana left him to save the world. think about from Koutaro s perspective. whatever reason is he abadoned him. it doesnt matter for world or not. his mother, it was his mother, she had to chose him. this is how Koutaro feel. well, which is understandable. every kid feel like that. What Nana did was wrong, whatever reason is. its not weird that koutaro hated heroes.

Koutaro had a foster family. we have no idea what happenned. but looks like after all these years, koutaro still couldnt handle his trauma. Koutaro is the type who is bond of his family too much. he was living with his daughter in parents. this means he doesnt call them or they probably died.

Koutaro is really strict with rules. he is very cold, distant but not a bad guy. he is similar to shoujo manga's boy protagonist. Koutaro was traumatized. he is hardworking and succesfull man. he must really worked hard to have that house.

well, Koutaro is the type who really cares about family, just like Kota so i dont believe he ever abused his wife or his grandparents. i think its opposite. he has a really good relationship with them. Tenko s mom s parents probably knew koutaro s painfull childhood. thats why they probably support him and became his family. i believe koutaro s wife and her parents became his family and really support him.

koutaro had a close relationship with them, thats why he was completely ok with living with them. he even made a house to live with them. he loved his wife and her parents. also his wife and her parents love koutaro too.

now, his wife and her parents knew koutaro s past so they didnt talk about heroes to not make sad koutaro. but children are different case. they dont know their father s story and they are children, you know. hero society and children, young kids have an admiration to heroes, its a normal thing.

well, now. koutaro never hit them. the day tenko s quirk activated was the first time he used violence. before then, he never hit them. but when they talked about heroes, he scold them.

koutaro is not a bad guy but he is not a good father, unfortunately. maybe its because he never had a father before. he felt warm family thing after all these years and he cant loose them. koutaro was really afraid of loosing them. heroes are risking their lifes to save others. all koutaro wants is not loosing his family. this is all he wants. just his way is wrong. and let me add this. his actions might be understandble but definitely not excusable. what he did to Tenko is definitely horrible.

the biggest and the most horrible thing koutaro did is how he treat to his kids, mostly to tenko. (i will explain it in tenko part)

Hana:

she had a close realtionship with tenko and especially her mother. i dont think that hana was scolded many times like tenko had. big posibility, tenko was the first person who talked about heroes in that house. hana probably saw what happenned to tenko and she became more carefull about this subject. she probably was scolded too but i dont think she had a punishment like tenko had. she had a courage to go in to father s room and she didnt feel stress like tenko did. shortly it doesnt look like it.

then what happenned? i think hana saw many times that his brother had a punishment cause of hero subject. she obviously couldnt do anything since she is just a child. she didnt understand why her father acted like that. thats why she simply support his brother. but hana also wanted to be a hero, then why she didnt get punishment like her brother? i think after seeing tenko like that and you know, she couldnt understand her father s actions, she didnt care how her father think about this.

i think hana didnt like her father cause how he was so mean to them for no reason. actually more like, she just didnt mind or care that much. at least, this is what hana thought. hana didnt accept her father s actions, thats why she was probably distant to her father and closer to her mother and grandparents.and thats why she never need to feel guilty about anything. . this is why hana wasnt affected that much like tenko. cause tenko was blaming himself while hana knew that who should be blamed about it. she knew that her father is wrong. thats why she didnt mind that much. she didnt blame herself like tenko did.

and she probably didnt into heroes that much like her brother. of course she liked heroes too like every kid. but i think his brother loved heroes much more, compared to hana. this is how hana still had a strong personality. yeah, she had and the reason is: to be able to see the things as they are.

(well she ignored koutaro s perspective though but at least she know what he did was wrong and thanks to her mother s support, it didnt affect her that much, while it completely destroyed tenko.)

she probably saw everything, unlike tenko. she saw her father did hurt tenko. she understood that tenko didnt do anything wrong and his father is wrong. she saw her grandparents and her mother s couldnt do anything about it. she also saw tenko s pain. but she was a child. so thats it. thats why, only thing she could was support her brother. well, she didnt take tenko s condition that serously since she was just a child. she didnt mind that much. she saw everything but well maybe not everything.not that much. but at least she was able to understand who is wrong here.

and that day, i dont believe koutaro did hit hana. she was probably got scold and it made her scared so much which is normal. she was hugging her mother and to not get hurt, she lied. hana lied to not get hurt by koutaro and again like always. she did the same thing like before but this time what she did hurt her brother. she had no idea what she started. after then she apologised but it was too late since her brother s quirk activated cause of the stress he had been through.

well, she had no idea what happenned. after seeing monchan like that, she simply ran away cause she was too scared. i think at that moment only thing she thought was running away. she didnt think like “i will leave my brother like that” or “what will happen to my brother, if i run away”. she was just scared and didnt even think about it. she simply ran away.

EXTRA about Hana: horikoshi doesnt give character s name, if it doesnt important that much. we got koutaro cause his existence is important, not just for tenko s story, also for this story. to show that what happens to hero s family and how they feel. but hana s existence is not important for the story. why we got her name? why author said how he had a close relationship with her brother. these informations were unnecessary for this story. i think hana is probably alive (maybe thanks to her quirk, she survived) or something about her will affect tenko again.

Tenko s mom:

She loved her husband and she probably did support koutaro with her family. she knew how much he was hurt about it thats why she was supportive to her husband with her parents. but she is also aware of that how kids were sad about this. she was worried about them, especially for tenko. cause her support did work on hana but it didnt work on tenko. tenko just couldnt hold his hero love inside of him and he was punished constantly by his father. tenko s mom knew how much tenko was sad about it. btw i dont think she know what is his son s allergy.

she knew why her husband acted like that. she knew that koutaro cared about his kids too, unlike Hana. she knew he did all that to not loose them. thats why she didnt do anything about it. she probably didnt want tenko to hate from his father. she was worried about them so much but she did nothing cause it wasnt a “big deal” until that day.

the first time koutaro used violence. she couldnt protect her son cause hana was holding to her. after that violence, tenko s mom decided that koutaro crossed the line. she cant let this anymore. koutaro also agreed with that. they crossed the line but it was too late.

tenko s mom was the only person who tried to help her son. its because that she knew how much hard it is for tenko. she saw tenko s pain and couldnt do anything about it for a long time. and even seeing her son s activating or maybe she even saw her daughter and dog are dead but she knew that tenko wasnt doing that on purpose.

maybe thats why his mother s hands are the ones choking his neck. cause her help made him feel more remorse.

his mother knew that tenko is also victim too. thats why she didnt hesitate for even one moment to trying to save her son. cause only thing she knew is that her son needed help. but it was too late, unfortunately.

Tenko s Grandparents:

Just like Tenko s mom, they knew koutaro s story and they probably feel gratefull about how koutaro take care of them. koutaro basically made a house for them, because he sees them as his family. they must feel really gratefull about it. and you know, they probably knew his story.

only thing they did was cheering him. cause its not like a “big deal”, also probably they didnt want tenko to hate from his father. they saw tenko is sad about it but i dont think they understand tenko s pain like their daughter. they loved koutaro and also their grandson. i dont think they did take this case seriously. well, in past time “abusing a child is raising”, this is what people who lived in old times believed. so maybe thats why they didnt take this case seriously. they just watched and they died just like that. they didnt understand how much important this for tenko.

i heard this from someone else. tenko wanted to hear “you can be a hero” thing from his grandparents, not from his father, sister or mother. just from his grandparents. like you know: if nana, his other grandparent was alive, she would say it for him. which is just an another tragic thing about tenko s story.

Tenko:

Tenko was a kind kid who probably just helped to people. thats probably why he wants to be a hero. cause you know, shigaraki is not the type who cares about fame or money or ambition or these kind of things.

tenko just wanted to be a hero. and it was a normal thing so he simply talk about it. its not like he is doing something wrong, he just want to be a hero. he was a good, obedient kid. its not like he wants to against his father s rules. he would simply accept it without questionning but he probably just couldnt help his hero soul.

he was constantly punished cause of it. he knew that his father would angry at him. but he couldnt hold himself about heroes. he probably loved them too much. but he also feel guilty about it cause his love to heroes made his father angry. unlike hana, tenko emphatize with his father and he justified his father s actions. what koutaro did was wrong but tenko didnt know what to believe.

there is a side of him think that simply loved heroes and “why cant i?”, “its not like i am doing something wrong” and there is also side of him think like “i made my father angry”, “ i must have done something wrong”. he had no idea whats going on. only think he knew is there is something going on here but he just couldnt understand. the reason he was so confused is because of he was trying to think like “my father must had a reason for that”, “maybe i am the one who is wrong here”.

now, i will talk about this punishment. yeah koutaro didnt use a violence until that day but he didnt let tenko to stay at home when tenko did something “wrong”. from outside, it looks like something simple. but no. actually ths is horrible.

cause tenko basically did nothing wrong and got punished for no reason. and its like ”he cant come home because he is not part of this family”. “as long as you love heroes, you cant become part of this family”. but loving heroes is what made tenko who he is, then basically, “as long as, you became who you are, you cant become part of his family” this is what made tenko think. this is basically pyscologic torture.

(we knew that tenko felt a lot of stress at that 🏠, he couldnt be himself, hero. he was constantly being punished for no reason. sometimes we felt pycsical pain cause of stress we have. adults can simply say “i feel pain/stress” but kids can not describe these kind of things, abstract concepts. so shortly tenko cant describe his pain. “it itches” is the way he is saying“i am in pain”.)

in shimura family, no one took this case seriously. but this is how tenko probably felt. he couldnt become who he is. he suffered every moment at home. thats why he felt itchy at house.  tenko s himself even probably didnt even understand his own feelings. he just felt pain and he tried to hold himself. even tenko s himself couldnt get that he needs help.

only thing he knows is his father is angry at him. his mother and grandparents did nothing about it. its like everything is tenko s fault. thats why there is always an unfair feeling, anger inside of tenko which is completely normal. he hold it for a long time. he always endured that pain.

that day, his emotions got exploded and his quirk activated. he may have said “ i hate everything/everyone” but it was a childish hate that everyone would say when they having hard times. when his quirk activates, he couldnt stop that quirk.

a little child cant think “i hate them, i will kill them” at that moment. it was an accident, obviously. you can see tenko was begging for help from his behaviours and only person who saw tenko s pain was his mother. maybe thats why her mother s hands are on his neck. its because his mother made him guilty more than others.

it wasnt his fault but cause of his feelings, that happenned so he couldnt help but feeling guilty even though it wasnt his fault at all. but tenko was blaming himself thats why he apologised from his father like everything happenned is his fault. tenko s feeling guilty also made koutaro think like that. first thing he did was using violence, not helping. he never saw his son as a victim. he probably felt guilty about using violence but still, he always feel guilty after he did really hurt tenko.

he also loved his son and cared about his family. he just didnt want to loose him and he thinks punishment was necessary but he had no idea he lost his kid cause of these punishments. he never understood tenko s pain. and he didnt think that tenko couldnt stop his quirk. he said “stop” like tenko was doing that on purpose.

so basically koutaro s anger made tenko think like tenko is the one who is wrong. cause tenko tried to emphatise with his father, with his abuser. while tenko s feeling guilty made koutaro underestimate tenko s pain. maybe thats why future shigaraki think that “i did that on purpose” “there was no tragedy” since no one treat him as a victim. koutaro and tenko didnt have a chance to understand each other cause of tragedy. well if koutaro tried better, it wouldnt end like that. he caused his own death.

but from tenko s perspective, there is no way tenko could be able to understand his family. he couldnt understand his father s anger since his father only just punished him for being “HIMSELF”. his mother and grandparents did nothing like it was tenko s fault. he had to endure it.

hana supported him but that day, she “betrayed” (left) him like that twice. she lied and she ran away. well tenko probably would forgive first one even though he couldnt understand that she lied cause she was simply scared. but twice, hana ran away like tenko did it on purpose. like tenko is the one who should be scared of. hana maybe didnt do it that on purpose but her actions cause this tragedy a lot.

his grandparent did the same thing. they just stand there like tenko doesnt need help. his father also did that so everything made tenko believed that he is not a victim. which is completely tragic since he is the biggest victim in his story, in this story.

and ignored by other people, also afo s saying to him “yeah you are causing trouble but its not your fault. you just born like that” -_- even though tenko is not trouble, he is just victim who needs help.

and even after destroying his father s hand, we are seeing he is copying his trauma.

he still couldnt get over it, obviously and he had no choice to believe that “i born like that” to run away from guilty feeling but also run away to fact that he is victim who needs help but still ignored by others. tenko never had a chance to understand anything in his life. his condition keeps getting worse. he is being more and more broken which is so tragic. :’/.

(also toga and twice s are not healing but being more broken than before.)

i just wanted to explain every shimura family s perspectives. btw yeah their reasons are understandable but its definitely not excusable. hana was child so i will pass that. his grandparents and mother were worried about tenko but they did nothing. also you know koutaro yeah he was traumatized but it doesnt excise anything. shimura family s biggest mistake was “not taking seriously”. but little things we underestimated might turn a big damage for someone else. not just shimura family, the reason why shigaraki s life was destroyed is cause of “not taking serously”, basically “ignorance”.

well, i think they were good people but they made tenko feel abandoned & they made him feel grave remorse so i cant help but feeling angry to them, just like tenko. even though i understand them, unlike tenko who keep blaming himself. in tenko / shigaraki s story, everybody have understandable reasons (except afo -_-) but it doesnt excuse their actions and i cant help but feeling anger to them especially when i think tenko s all life.

thank you for reading this. sorry for bad eng. see ya! :PPP (its not canon and i might be wrong about somethings too.)

[lostinathoughtonceagain]

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.