#so they know the value of that sweet oxygen when it rushes in

[werewolfsmile]

Watching The Corkscrew Job and just ...

Eliot trusting Parker and Hardison enough to go into a situation where he's about to have no oxygen. He would hear over the comms that they're facing down henchmen who are trying to stop them. He doesn't know how long it'll take for them to get air flow happening again.

But there's an innocent person to protect and he has faith in his partners. Faith enough to willingly risk his life time and time again - not just in this instance, but all the others we see over the course of the show. Because Eliot knows that Parker and Hardison will do whatever it takes to protect him, just as he protects them.

There's just something so profound about not even having enough air to draw breath - but it doesn't matter, because you know your partners are out there, fighting to get that next breath to you. And it might take longer than expected. It might not go smoothly, hell, it might not even work at all. But it doesn't matter because your faith in these people is greater than the instincts screaming for oxygen.

Eliot can't breathe without them. But he's used to that - he's been living this way for years already. So he holds his breath and trusts.

[sunny-fox]

Disappearance

Liyue characters and child! reader

Reader’s pronouns: -

Warnings: angst, implied child neglect

Notes: non-SAGAU

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A flurry of emotions rushed through their brains all at once.

Where were you?

You were nowhere to be found, as if you’d disappeared into thin air; turned into oxygen, into a tiny insect.

Where could you possibly go?

They were desperately looking for you, parting bushes and squinting at treetops.

You just wouldn’t show up, despite their efforts.

------------------------------

You had met the Tianquan of the Qixing when you were only four.

You didn’t even know who she was back then, only that she’d sometimes talk to the kids whom you played with occasionally.

However, you saw her standing by the entrance of the street where you’d pass by daily in the harbor. She gestured for you to come near her, which you did, knowing that she meant no harm. You didn’t remember much of the conversation shared with her. But you did remember her saying her name was Ningguang, and before she left, she pressed a few sweets into your palm with a specially carved, crystal ornament.

You had taken it home ecstatically, setting it gently on your bedside table before going to sleep. But when morning came, you found it shattered into tiny fragments on the ground next to your bed. You said nothing, merely picked the pieces up and poured them into a little box. You never told anyone about the broken ornament. Not even Ningguang.

------------------------------

Ningguang walked briskly and relentlessly through the infinite plains of Liyue. She wouldn’t rest, not until she knew you were safe.

She knew that the little jewelled ornament was destroyed. The guilty look on your face said it all the next day. But she knew you didn’t do it on purpose. Not you. You wouldn’t do such a thing.

It was her fault that you went missing. She should’ve been in the Jade Chamber instead of walking in the streets, trying to relax her fatigued mind.

------------------------------

Beidou was the sort of person you looked up to. Daring, boisterous, brave, but caring towards her crew and the people she loved. 

You were forbidden to spend time with the other kids, so you could only join their games and conversations without anyone knowing. You liked to spend time at the harbor when you were all alone. So, it was no surprise that the Captain of the Crux fleet knew who you were. “The child who watches the waves” was what she described you as when you returned a fallen bag from the cargo to her.

You would wait for her at the harbor every time you heard rumours of the Alcor returning soon, or when the date that Beidou promised she would return neared. You’d greet her with a smile and a few freshly picked sunsettias or Sweet Flowers. The gifts were always meagre, but what mattered to Beidou was your adorable smile that chased away every last bit of frustration or sadness.

------------------------------

The Captain searched the waters with a thudding heart, looking carefully at the waves for any sign of you. 

She desperately hoped that she wouldn’t find you here. Not in the shallower but just as dangerous part of the ocean by the harbor. You weren’t foolish enough to jump straight in when she had informed you plenty of times of the danger the waters posed.

But if you somehow did fall in, could you even swim? Beidou’s brow furrowed as she thought. It had never occured to her to ask if you could swim. She should’ve asked you, and if you didn’t, she would’ve taught you how. It was dangerous for a non-swimmer to stay at the harbor for prolonged periods of time. Especially if said person is a child. Like you.

It was her fault you went missing. She should’ve returned to the harbor earlier.

------------------------------

Yelan loved how you’d always reveal precious information without realising the value of it.

You had been following your father to Yanshang Teahouse every weekend. Well, “follow” wasn’t exactly the word for it. More like he dragged you there. You’d sit on a chair in a corner or at the back of the room, with nothing else to do. Eventually, you started to play with the spare dices. Attempts at juggling, rolling them one after another, stacking them up, pretending that you were playing with someone just like your father - all of these were not uncommon for you. Till the...strange lady appeared.

She had appeared at the teahouse suddenly. On the first day, she spotted you in the corner of the room and picked up one of your dices. You looked up at the owner of the elegant hand and found yourself staring into the eyes of a young woman in blue and white. She offered to play with you, giving you trinkets or snacks when you won, and you gave her bits of information on what you knew about the people who played with your father.

She merely wanted to exploit you due to your naivety, but as the days passed, she couldn’t help but view you as the much younger sibling she never had - or even her child. 

------------------------------

Yelan panted heavily, hands on her wobbly knees, threatening to topple over at any given moment. As expected, there were consequences for using one’s vision for too long, too intensely. 

She raised her head to look at the land beneath the cliff. No sign of you anywhere. Had you returned to the harbor? Or were you not even here in the first place? She clutched a lucky charm carved out of Cor Lapis in her hand - a gift for you when you had won just one week ago - that her assistant claimed to have retrieved from the foot of the hill. 

It was her fault you went missing. She should’ve opted to talk to you instead of being so persistent of gathering intel from the patrons of the teahouse.

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A drabble of something random I thought of. There will be a few more parts

[renaisaibaam]

interview

zhongli / female reader smut fic

degrading, dirty talking

idk how to tag lol

vvvv vulgar i am ashamed

"fuck, zhongli—" you moaned pathetically as you felt his cock slide into you in a slow, gentle pace that absolutely drived you insane, your breath shallow yet heavy, with your back pressed against the cold, wooden surface of your shared apartment's dining table. your boyfriend had just come home from a job hunt, and was expecting a call from one of the places he had visited, so to pass some time, he had decided to have his dinner almost immediately upon his arrival, his dinner being you, in the table instead of the bedroom, and with how im using this analogy to describe him just eating you out for his meal, its rather appropriate to have it in the dining room in this context.

his hands were underneath your thighs that were dripping with hot sweat, keeping them hoisted up as his hips moved slowly and steadily, whines leaving your lips from the fucking tease he was being. a scowl crosses his face, and he bends down to sink his teeth on the soft flesh of the underside of your thigh, not caring when you let out a pained yelp. he knew you liked the pain, anyways.

"arent you being a greedy little slut right now? do you want me to ruin you that bad?" he pulls out of your dripping cunt until only the tip of his cock is in, and without any warning, slams it back in until he's ball deep inside you, your back arching when you feel his cock hit the deepest parts of you. your hands move up to claw on his toned, almost rock hard arms, leaving red marks in your wake as tears filled the corner of your eyes from the pleasure of the sudden movement that he kept repeating without giving you time to even catch your own breath.

"didn't i teach you how to fucking wait? just how deprived are you from cock, when you've just had it last night?" he growls into your skin before rutting into your cunt in a rough pace, the unanticipated action making you scream his name in ecstacy. you were already in cloud nine by this point- zhongli filled you up so good; so well to where you wouldnt even think of anything else but him and his cock. he messed you up in the best ways possible, and you knew you could never go back once you had a taste of him.

you could hear the belt around his pants clinking to the pace of his thrusts inside you, and the cold metal slamming against the back of your thigh added to the many sensations you were feeling, considering he didnt even bother taking off his own clothes except for his coat and blazer while he stripped you off of everything, with the exception of his favorite sweater that you had worn, seeing how much of his scent lingered in the cozy, soft fabric of it. he loved seeing you in his clothes, but the hem of the sweater, however, was already up to your neck to expose your chest that had been bouncing to the rhythm of his hips. the cold air made your nipples hard, but you barely cared.

he bends down, cups your right breast with one hand, and swirls his tongue flat around your hardened bud, his other hand keeping your legs up in place. your hands that were adorned with sweater paws reached up to stroke his hair, and he looked up with a smile, moving towards you to lock your lips together in a heated kiss that held an overflowing amount of passion for each other. well, it was like that until a sudden ring of someone's phone interrupted your kiss with zhongli.

he pulls away with a string of saliva connecting you and him, and he grabs the ringing phone from his pocket, checking the number and immediately answering it, not pulling away from you as he spoke.

"hello?" he asks with his usual deep and calming voice, as if he hadn't been fucking you into oblivion just a few seconds ago. he puts the phone on loud speaker, and listens to the caller's voice closely.

"hi! this is from the wangsheng funeral parlor. do you mind if we conduct the interview over the phone so you dont have to come over? we're pretty busy at the moment with the influx of interviews." what a cockblock, you thought. just as you were about to pull away, zhongli stands up straight and grabs your hips with one hand, keeping you in place as he turned off the loud speaker and held the phone to his ear, speaking in the most professional voice that shook your core when it reached your ears.

"sure, i dont mind. lets proceed immediately."

you looked up at him with a face expecting him to release you, as he was slowly pulling away until he was out, but you let out a loud yelp when he suddenly slams back in to stuff you full of his cock, the rhythm of his thrusts still steady and deep despite the talking he was doing over the phone.

you couldnt believe it. zhongli was fucking you in the dining table as he had his motherfucking job interview. what would happen if this shit went wrong? you clawed at his arms to grab his attention and make him stop, but he just stared down at you, and was silent for what felt like eternity, before he gave a hard slap to the side of your exposed thigh, his thrusts only getting faster each time you resisted.

you were trying your best not to let out any sounds, but the way his cock was hitting on the spots that made you feel the best was sending you to euphoria. he made you feel so good almost without effort, and this situation in general just turned you on. what if the person on the phone could hear the sounds you made? what if they could hear just how much sounds your cunt was making from how much it had been dripping for him, and only him?

you could have sworn you had came twice or even more, and yet his interview hasnt ended despite you already meeting your release multiple times. and even when you did, he didnt stop for one bit. he had no plans to, anyways. as he spoke about what might be best for the company as an answer to the question, he leans down to mark the skin around your collarbone with a bite, sucking it as if he were to excrete something sweet if he did it hard enough.

you feel something different yet familiar bubbling up your abdomen, and you knew you were about to reach your orgasm again, and since you couldnt take any more of it, you mouth to zhongli to stop, or at least slow down, desperation in your expression. his bright eyes, which seemed to darken, stared down on you as still fucking spoke with annoyance dripping in his voice as he answers, "i think we can negotiate my salary based on my skills and the value i bring to the company."

this was enough to tell you that the interviewer asked a stupid question, and that he was pissed about it, yet remained cool headed despite it. and to take the frustration out, he places the phone between his ear and shoulder, grabs your legs and hoists you up even higher than what you were usually used to, and plunges his cock even deeper into you to the point where you can see his tip poking out from your stomach, the new and foreign feeling making you clench around his cock to which he lets out a low, and deep grunt at.

with only a look towards you as your single warning, he slams down into your tight cunt, the sudden pleasure coursing through your veins in a rush that leaves you feeling lightheaded. you cover your mouth with your hands and scream through the fabric of his sweater, feeling yourself reach your high and release for who knows how many times you did ever since the damned call, your hands shaking from the immense sensation and pleasure zhongli had brought you tonight.

all that had happened, and yet he didnt even fucking stop.

you were an overstimulated mess, and as a last resort, you whine loudly to try and grab his attention for who knows how many times, wanting this to be over already. you couldnt stand holding back your voice, and you knew itd do more harm if they had heard you. but zhongli wasnt having any of it.

he places you back down on the table with him still inside you, grabs his phone with his left hand to hold it up to his ear, and uses his right hand to wrap it around your throat, squeezing the sides in a way he knows you love so much. you gasp when you feel his huge, rough hand around you, and as if that wasnt enough, his hips slam back into you, driving you into a quiet, drooling mess. your eyes rolled back, and amidst the silence, your body shook violently to try and get him off of you, your hole unable to handle any more of the overstimulation he drove you into.

you feel your mind going blank and hazy from the emotions and feelings you had been experiencing. the fear of being caught, the excitement of trying not to get caught, the pleasure of his cock filling you up to the brim, the overstimulation and high of your recent orgasm, and the lack of oxygen is throwing you into an overwhelmed state, and yet here you were, living for it.

your hips shake, and you squirt into his cock, feeling your own release dripping down your legs as you made a mess on the floor and on zhongli's skin. you feel your legs give in and drop to his sides, looking up at him as he continued speaking as if you werent even there. but even if he was acting that way, his lust filled eyes stared at you hungrily, his tongue swiping his lips in a manner that you'd think was purposely trying to rile you up.

"okay, i understand. i'll come in tomorrow, so please take care of me." and with that, he ends the call, and growls lowly, placing the phone beside you. he lifts up your legs, and leans in until your face is just centimeters away from you, a low growl emitting fron him as he spoke.

"just how much did you cum in under 20 minutes? did you enjoy it knowing we could get caught?" his hips rocks itself into you deeply, and stays in that position, your hips shaking. you could feel him fill you up to where your abdomen felt full of him and only him, and you looked up at him, whining at his words.

"fucking whore. you even made a mess on me. did it feel that good, doll?" he opens his mouth and crashes his lips on to yours, quickly moving down to bite the skin around the side of your throat where his hands once were, leaving marks on both sides. he moves up to whisper on your ear, his voice making you tremble as you felt his hot breath whispering such dirty words that you knew he was going to fulfill. guess you were staying at home tomorrow.

"ill make sure you cum all over my cock more tonight, so be a good girl and take me in well. are we clear?"

[mggpleasedontlookhere]

call out my name

summary: y/n overhears jj confessing to spencer that she’s always loved him (do i even need to explain further how this made my heart drop into my ass)

word count: 3,118                                                                                     reading time aprox: 12 mins

masterlist

The blood ran cold in my veins, making my arms shiver. My face paled an ugly rouge as the words left JJ’s supple lips; each phrase that strung out from her confession wrenched a small piece of my heart each time. It felt like a laceration to my throat, like my oxygen supply had been severed and I was unable to catch my breath.

I love you.

I have always loved you.

My lifeless eyes never tore away from the monitor that laid in front of me. In crystal clear pixels, there lay Spencer and JJ tied up in a convenience store with the unsub and two hostages. My body was visibly tense and my lips parted in bewilderment; the physiological and mental tether that dictated my reactions delayed.

I hadn’t even noticed Penelope gaping at me with doleful eyes, turning off her intercom so the rest of the team was unable to listen in. Although the same idea must have run through their heads as they swapped disconcerted looks at each other.

“Oh - my sweet Y/N - I don’t, do you want - oh -” Penelope stuttered empathetically, pushing herself off of her chair to gather an array of toys to comfort me. “I can - oh you can borrow my purple giraffe, that always makes me hap-” She continued, pushing the plushies into my chest.

“No, no I’m - Garcia I’m okay - thank you...tho” I reassured, gently guiding her back to her seat, despite her pitiful protests. Before she had the chance to argue against my reassurance, her attention was captured by Tara’s voice on the intercom.

“Hey Garcia can you check the satellite feed and see if there’s a side door to the building?” Tara requested. Although her tone was apprehensive and tame like she was tiptoeing around the question.

“Affirmative” Garcia replied enthusiastically, reaching a gentle hand over to where my hands laid on her shoulders. She ran her delicate fingers over my knuckles in a way to say a silent ‘it’s going to be okay’, leaning her head back against my stomach with a tenderness in her gestures.

“And - uh - Y/N? Are you okay?” Tara tentatively asked, in which Garcia proceeded to look into my somber eyes with an expectant gaze. As I saw her through my peripherals, I knew that she could sense my true feelings about the situation. Her eyebrows softened and her red painted lips dropped into a pout. She tilted her head cutely in an attempt to grasp my attention, but I knew the second I locked eyes with her, my facade would eventually dissipate. With the persistence to direct my eyes away from her incessant gaze, she knew.

Before I had the opportunity to reply to Tara, Penelope had beat me to it. “Y/N! She uh - she’s in the bathroom...right now” She explained, mustering up the calmness in her voice to sound convincing. Fortunately enough, the case had been the focal point of the unit for the past week that Tara hadn’t noticed the panicked wince that left Penelope’s lips.

“Garcia just-” Tara sighed, making Penelope’s chest tense up and soften simultaneously. “Just make sure she’s doing fine. Did she hear what JJ said?” She spoke with a sense of concern laced in her sentences, hoping that I was unbeknownst to JJ’s profession.

“Uh-” Garcia paused, looking to me for an answer with wide eyes. I shook my head in denial, not wanting the team to know of my knowledge. As much as I valued our team being a family, I knew I would receive burdened looks and multiple ‘nonchalant check-ups’ from Rossi. I didn’t want the word ‘victim’ painted on my forehead. “-No, she left the room before JJ said anything” Garcia affirmed, nodding her head yes, regardless of her unable to be seen.

“That’s good. Listen I’ll call you back when we get on the jet and keep an eye on Y/-”

“Oh! Y/N’s coming back - see you guys later” Penelope rushed, ending the call instantly before Tara could get out another word.

She swiveled in her chair, facing me once again. She took my hands in hers, standing up to pull me into her tight embrace. I relaxed in her touch, letting all the feelings melt away with every soothing word that permeated the room. Pulling away, she took surveillance of my state and furrowed her eyebrows in worry.

But it wasn’t my poignancy that sparked her perplexity, it was the lack thereof.

My cheeks should’ve been stained by an onset of tears, but it wasn’t. My eyes should’ve masked a similar pearl glaze that coated the film on Penelope’s eyes, but it didn’t. I should’ve been disheveled and overrun by overbearing anguish, but I wasn’t.

-

The numbers on the elevator rose expediently, indicating the arrival of the team. My hands shook in disquiet and suspense, my focus glued to my shoes as I felt my entire body get antsy. Penelope stood in front of me whispering a mellow encouragement, suggesting alleviating mantras that usually worked to calm her down.

Without another word said, the doors to the elevator dinged and revealed exhausted, yet relieved, adults. Although in the midst of it all, there was a heavy air of reluctance that surrounded the reunion, despite the gleeful interactions that were expressed through Penelope’s endearments.

I reveled in the sight of it all, feeling my heart swell at the inspiriting display of affection made by the team; a feeling that is often uncommon with our careers. I stood with my shoulders slumped, hands folded in my pockets, and at a distance from their reconciliation. It was only until I met the eyes of Spencer that my entire body flinched; and it was when I hadn’t met JJ’s gaze as she stared at the floor, when my heart fell flaccid at the bottom of my stomach.  

I approached Spencer with a fictitious content expression, not wanting to confront the issue at bay. I noticed his facial features contort from uneasiness to relief as he reciprocated the reassuring smile I wore for him. He took this as his cue to take hurried strides towards me to encase me with his arms in a bone crushing hug. For a split second I wanted to believe the fervor that swelled inside me while I surrendered in his embrace, but the wandering eyes of JJ had convinced me otherwise.

Spencer cupped both of my cheeks in his course hands, enthusiastically pulling me in for a long awaited kiss. But by instinct I yanked my face away from his hands forcefully, catching him and myself by surprise.

“I - um, sorry. I was having sushi with Garcia earlier and I don’t think you want to smell tuna breath” I joked, wiping Spencer’s touch off of my hands.

“Don’t be silly Y/N I haven’t seen you i-” Spencer persisted, reaching out to handle my wrists.

“Wait Spence - Spencer - um Spencer, I forgot to mention that Diana called earlier to check on you” I interjected, a guilty gut feeling resurfacing as I used his mother as a cheap excuse to divert the conversation. “Oh well, I was actually planning to visit her soon and I was going to ask you if you want to come wi-”

“I- I don’t know Spencer” I laughed, keeping up the phony disguise that I hoped was effective enough to bypass the room of profilers. “I just have a lot of paperwork” I justified, feeling myself shrink under his incessant scrutiny. His lips curled into a small pout and his eyes dulled for a moment. I stiffened in response, paranoid that he had discovered a chink in my armor. “Next time?” I offered, compensating for the lack of ardor in my decisions.

Despite my attempts at assuring him, his expression was still left to alter. By now the formalities between the team had ended, resorting to directing their attention to me and Spencer. Backing away from where Spencer stood, I met the wondering gazes of my peers. I gave a cordial nod to all of them, ignoring the obvious trepidation that was evident in their body language.

Receiving a final look from Penelope, I walked back to my desk, letting them plan their festivities without me.

-

A few weeks flew by since the incident. Despite the passage of time, the latter of the situation still sat heavy in my thoughts, consuming every waking moment I had.

The bags under my eyes became more prominent, the youthful glow on my cheeks had dimmed, and my voice diminished to a low mutter. The input I had contributed to cases followed the change in my demeanor, exponentially depreciating as the numbness increased.

Whenever I sat on my chair, my eyes would linger between Spencer’s desk that sat across JJ’s. At times the sight would invoke a bubbling envy that felt too visceral for me to experience, so I would set my emotions to the side; averting my effort into my paperwork.

Eventually as the cases became more gruesome and my mental paralysis ensued, I gradually reverted to writing up the paperwork instead of participating in active cases. Unfortunately the unanticipated change in my behavior hadn’t gone unnoticed.

Emily called me into her office with a sense of urgency, and we’re both now here sitting across at a distance while she stared at me with a motherly look. Concentration was etched in her facial features, folding her hands together as she tried to dissect the impenetrable expression I wore.

“Emily please don’t profile me” I sighed, a tired grimace playing on my lips. Her shoulders slumped in defeat, leaning back into her chair as she continued to observe me. “I’m just worried Y/N - WE are all worried” She lamented, reaching over to grasp my hand. “You haven’t been yourself in a while Y/N. Did - is something, did something happen? Did you...find anything that made you upset?” She pursued, tiptoeing around the idea of JJ’s confession.

“NO! I, um - I haven’t - I just” I struggled to form coherent sentences, feeling panic flood through my system. “Look Emily, I appreciate the concern, but I’m just not feeling okay and I really don’t want to talk about it” I admitted. “I- I know it’s a lot, but w- would it be okay if I take a couple of personal days - I just can’t seem to figure myself out” I muttered, letting a fragment of my feelings slip into my profession.

“Take as many days as you’d like - and give me a call when things are...handled - just know that if you need anything - and I mean anything - you ca-”

“Thank you Emily” I nodded, cutting her off abruptly. I stood up from my seat with my head hanging low, giving her a tight lipped smile as I made my way to exit her office.

“Y/N!” She called out, stopping me in my tracks. I titled my head to the side, glancing at her. “Take care of yourself...please?” She desperately pleaded, her words laced with genuine concern.

For the first time, my heart ached at her words. The bitter feeling trickling into reality as the sorrowful eyes she beamed at me penetrated through my skin. It was then that I realized that the armor I wore to shield me from Spencer was really to shelter me from myself.

-

Spencer’s POV

My back slumped into the office chair while I played with the Doctor Who knick-knacks that Garcia had gifted to me at a Christmas party. My eyes were focused on the toy, but my mind had astral projected to another place: a place that wasn’t pleasant. The thoughts that were weighing heavy on shoulders had taken its toll on my arms, legs, and body like I was slowly being pulled away from reality into a dimension of isolation.

Although the only feeling I was allowed to experience was this nagging sensation in the back of my head, a thought that permeated my headspace, but wasn’t allowed to be identified or understood. I thought it was the aftermath of JJ’s confession, but that was handled during Rossi’s wedding.

For the first time in a long time, I didn’t know.

I didn’t know what had been circling in my head and I didn’t know how to control it. All I knew is that Y/N had taken a few sick days and that Emily had informed me that she hadn’t heard of JJ’s confession. But those days turned into weeks until a month had passed.

In the beginning of her leave, I’d call her everyday and occasionally visit her apartment whenever we were on a case, she would even call in to check on everybody. But like how the seasons change and the leaves start to decay, her efforts soon became stagnant. Soon after, my calls would be left unanswered, my visits to her apartment ceased due to no one responding, and she would only answer to Garcia.

I missed the way she would waltz into the office with the brightest grin she can offer and every time I’d look into her eyes, it felt like I had a glimpse into what heaven is. I missed the way she would curl up into my arms and breath in my scent, while we shared a book. I missed the way she’d bring the most wonderful orchestra to the moments where I felt my world become overrun by deafening silence. She had done nothing but bring love and devotion into everything she does.

So what dimmed the spark that usually burned interminably in her?

I set the trinket down to the side, taking a needed breath as my eyes were caught by a small picture frame that was delicately placed at the corner of my desk. An elated smile replaced the tired grimace I had been sporting all week, a newfound warmth filling my chest up with a familiar radiance.

It was a picture of Y/N when me and her had visited Central Park to ice skate. In the image she was in mid air, her eyes were shimmering against the snow that fell around us and she was laughing, a melody that I can still hear just by looking at a reminiscence of her. She was and still is the epitome of beauty.

I was taken out of my thoughts when a frantic Penelope zoomed through the bullpen with an unnerved look. She was caught in the arms of Emily, stopping her in her tracks and encouraging her to breathe. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes and her hair was disheveled.

“I - I, oh my god - I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry - I w- wasn’t, it’s my fault - I wasn’t honest” She sputtered out, her hands shaking beside her as she tried to form proper sentences.

By this time the team had surrounded her as they witnessed her frenzy. I watched from afar as JJ and Tara came to Penelope’s side, consoling her. Luke and Matt joined me, watching the event unfold from a distance like I did.

“Is- is she okay? Did something happen?” Luke inquired, his words laced with panic and worry. I shook my head looking to Matt if he had any intel, but he also denied it. “Okay, I’m gonna go and see what’s-” Luke began, before getting cut off by Emily announcing an emergency meeting.

We all gathered around the round table, anticipation engulfing the air and each one of our faces. Penelope sported a perturbed expression while Emily stood behind her with a similar troubled look.

I folded my hands on the table while my legs had gotten antsy from the silence as everyone filed into the room. Finally when everyone was seated, Luke was the first one to break the quietude. “Is everything okay Penelope?” He asked.

It didn’t take a profiler to notice how Emily’s behavior shifted when Alvez spoke. Her shoulders had flinched, her breath had shortened, and her hands had risen up to Penelope’s shoulder in an attempt to encourage her to elaborate. These were the indications that usually meant an onslaught of bad occurrences, but I only had understood Penelope’s concern when Y/N’s name had surpassed her lips.

“What - What do you - What do you mean Y/N?” I blurted out, feeling my heart drop into my stomach. My hands traveled to the pockets of my blazer, feeling sweat begin to accumulate in my palms. My breath hitched at the mention of her, hoping and praying that she was alright.

All the attention had been directed to me, but at the moment I would have cared less if Newton or Pascal was staring at me. It was as if my heart and my mind were tethered together to create a perfect storm that could obliterate me. I searched Penelope’s eyes for direct answers, but she refused to meet my gaze.

“Garcia!” I instinctively called out, making her flinch in terror, which I ultimately regretted as she was already in such a distressed state. “I- I’m sorry. Penelope...what’s happening with Y/N?” I whispered, softening the tone of my voice, cautious of letting my voice crack knowing that the team would dissect my reaction.

She sighed, looking to Emily for help in which Emily nodded at her to continue. “She knows” Penelope admitted, lifting her eyes to finally meet mine. “Sh- she heard what JJ said, and now she’s n- not even talking to me” She sighed, her breath hitching between every phrase she enunciated.

I felt my body freeze, but I didn’t know if it was either in fear, anger, or disappointment in myself. My emotions had become a cluster of hell that would continue to haunt me until I figured things out; until I could fix things with Y/N.

I sensed the apologetic glances I received from JJ, but despite my acknowledgement of her intentions, the festering indignation I was feeling against her had jaded any compassion I had.

“Spence-” JJ apprehensively spoke with a motherly tone.

“Don’t! I-”

My eyes were glued to the table, blocking out any attempt that the team made to pursue a conversation with me. My hands fidgeted as I racked my brain for a concise solution, although the process wasn’t as easy as I’d like since my conscious had been enveloping itself with self reproach. But in the end, I knew where I wanted to be - where I was meant to be.

Without a second thought, I promptly stood up from the chair and fled the bullpen with no attention to how JJ was calling out my name.

part 2

-

taglist: @rexorangecouny @howdycharlie

part 2 coming out tmrw or the day after that

see you soon <3

[favoniuscodex]

intergalactic au w/ zhongli, childe, and xiao

prompt: futuristic/intergalactic!au w/ zhongli, childe, and xiao for my 1.5k follower event pairings: zhongli x gn!reader, childe x gn!reader, xiao x gn!reader, word count: 2.8k words (i really like this au, ok?) a/n: haha oh jeez ok my knowledge of intergalactic stuff is an amalgamation of different stuff so this is gonna involve a few different types of space stuff! some of these are longer than others, apologies for the discrepancies in length! i had to stop some of these from becoming full fics hhhh

ZHONGLI

“so,” you state, unceremoniously slamming your hands down on the metal lunch table in front of you. “rex lapis. discuss.”

the two colleagues sitting in front of you differ in reactions to your noisy gesture. the shorter and angrier of the two, xiao, jumps slightly at the sudden intrusion, despite the bustling noise of the starship’s cafeteria surrounding the three of you. at his side, zhongli sits, regal as ever, sipping on a cup of tea that fails to shake within his grip. the brunette sets the drink down on the table before him and looks at you patiently.

“what do you wish for us to discuss?” zhongli asks while xiao scowls at you in annoyance.

“there’s nothing to discuss,” xiao grumbles, cutting up cubes of the low-grade tofu in front of him with the side of his fork absentmindedly. “he died. the end.”

“did he?” you challenge and xiao lets out a heavy sigh of a man worn out by your mere existence. “alright, zhongli, hear me out on this. what if it’s just a coverup by the liyuean fleet? none of us really even knew what he looked like, who he was, et cetera et cetera, y’know? so like... he could very well be alive.”

“indulging in conspiracy theories,” xiao mutters. “how mature of you.” he grouchily stabs some of the decimated remains of the tofu cubes in front of them and takes a bite, wincing slightly at the low quality texture. however, zhongli’s honey eyes shine with mirth at your proposition. 

“i believe that such notions are never beyond the realm of possibility,” zhongli confesses, causing xiao to sputter and choke on his cafeteria meal.

“you have to be kidding me. that’s the dumbest thing i’ve ever heard. they could’ve just said he retired or something. why would the fleet cover up his existence with a falsified death?” xiao challenges, his gaze flickering between your smug expression and zhongli’s entirely placated one.

“some people say rex lapis turned into a dragon and flew away. oooo~! watch out, xiao, he’s going to come for you, oooo~!” you mimic the sounds of a ghost as you flap your hands in a wing-like motion, leaning in closer to xiao, who leans away in repulsion and fear. xiao shrieks slightly as you breach his personal space and he hides behind zhongli’s figure, whose intense gaze causes you to stop your teasing and sit up straight, despite a soft smile gracing his elegant features.

“(y/n),” zhongli questions in a soft tone reserved only for you. “did you finish your review of the engine room’s oxygen and sediment filter?”

you look sheepishly down at the tray of food in front of you. “no, but... nobody’s allowed in the engine room right now. some dumb intern got his keycard stolen so the whole room is on lockdown while they reprogram everyone else’s.”

“well, if you have no other tasks to complete today, would you like to assist me with my research?” zhongli asks and, with no hesitation, you nod in response.

“of course! do you still need help with analyzing how to best redirect flow of air in the suits of the astronauts traveling to planet 48-ab-9?” you say, looking to make sure you and zhongli are on the same page. he smiles at you, which gives you the answer you need before the words even fall from his lips.

“yes, but there may also be possible diversions to other planets and air pressure within the spacesuits on one planet may cause ruptures in the other and-” zhongli begins, but is interrupted by xiao standing up abruptly, the tofu on his tray barely touched.

“i am full!” xiao declares, which causes you to narrow your eyes at him in disbelief. zhongli, however, buys xiao’s blatant lie. “which means, like every upstanding worker of the liyuean fleet, it’s time to return back to the contractual chains of coding hell!”

you can only watch as the green-haired man scurries off without waiting for your responses, far too eager to return to the cybersecurity job he always seems to complain about.

“so, where were we?” zhongli asks, capturing your undivided attention once more. you let out a soft huff of amusement at the situation and flash a smile in return.

---

zhongli is a consistently overlooked member of the liyuean fleet, residing as one of the few interplanetary geologists on board. to put it simply, zhongli works alongside you, an environmental engineer, to help ensure the safety of liyuean fleet explorers as they venture into unknown territory. you develop the products and do routine maintenance on various air quality-related machinery within the massive mothership of the liyuean fleet, while zhongli studies previously-recorded information about other planets in order to provide hypotheses about what potential new planets’ geological systems may be like and what needs to be done for astronauts to acclimate to them.

the talkative geologist is polite to all, but talkative to few, one of whom is you. while the two of you work side by side, the man has a tendency to ramble about the compositions of different planetary soils and what they means to human life should they encounter it. if you’re being honest with yourself, the topic nearly puts you to sleep, but you find it adorable that he can talk so passionately for so long on such a mundane topic.

you let zhongli ramble for three reasons. one: you don’t have the heart to tell him to stop. two: you have a massive crush on him that only seems to worsen the more you see his amber eyes nearly glow with passion whenever you ask questions about his work. finally, three: you’re waiting for zhongli to slip up and reveal why someone of his talent finally got assigned to the mothership immediately after the supposed death of rex lapis.

as he launches into another rambling session, you can’t help but zone zhongli out as a startling idea pops into your head about the calming man who loves three things in life (history, tea, and rocks, in that order).

could he be...? you push the thought out of your head and decide to accept the liyuean fleet command’s announcement at face value. commander rex lapis is dead and there’s absolutely, certainly, definitely no way that zhongli is the man who once brought the tsaritsa’s warships to a crumbling halt.

right?

CHILDE

the dashing rogue with a heart of gold is certainly one of the most respectable men in the galaxy. he saves damsels in distress and redistributes wealth to the poor. he’s perfect in every manner -- don’t you see his charming smile? how could you not trust him? he’ll lure you in with sweet words and false affections, brushing your hair behind your ear as he makes you giggle and flustered due to his flirtations. the illusion pops when he waltzes away from you with a wink and you realize you’re missing your wallet a few minutes later. 

childe, a man of many aliases ranging from the theatrical tartaglia to the mythological ajax, is one of the galaxy’s most wanted thieves. he’ll insist he’s not a kleptomaniac, but feeds off the golden veins of wealth he steals from others as if he is a vampire, a primal instinct he can’t seem to control. no target is too big or small for the man, especially if a rival is involved.

in this case, it’s you. he finds you at a bar, in which grating electronic music blasts overhead and rainbow lights paint his skin in different colors as they flash to the beat. childe is forced to yell over the music, yet none of his signature charm is lost as he does his best to cozy up to you, buying you a drink and warding off any unwanted suitors, especially the alien with eight hands who wont stop insisting that he just wants to hold one of yours. 

you almost let yourself get swept away in his radiant baby blues and his wispy, ruddy brown hair, but you’re smarter than that. you can see the intelligence in his eyes and you wonder if he can see it in yours. despite his kindness and his genuine enthusiasm to hear what you have to say, he holds an arrogance in his posture that shows that childe is underestimating you. you know what he’s after: the keycard to the liyuean fleet engine room, one you had swiped off some unsuspecting intern earlier in the day to deposit in your own safekeeping, in hopes to one day sell it to likely nefarious evildoers who would pay a pretty penny for an access key like that.

but buyers have never been one to keep secrets and you’re far too aware that loose lips sink ships -- or in this case, the main starship of the liyuean fleet -- and childe is far too aware of the card that lies within your possession. you smile as you feel his hand gently tug your wallet out of your coat pocket, an action that would have gone unnoticed if you weren’t a master thief as well. you let him walk away as he winks at you and promises to see you again, a blatant lie on his behalf.

you’re gone from your seat before he realizes the keycard isn’t in your wallet -- nothing is. it’s empty, aside from a faded business card offering the services of your thievery, with a smiley face drawn on the back and two words: duped ya! emblazoned next to the face that taunts childe. a rush of adrenaline ripples through him and he’s not sure whether it’s due to rage or excitement. as he reaches into his pocket, he decides it’s the former as childe realizes the keys to his ship are missing.

childe can’t help but smile when he sees his ship missing in the public dock nearby. after all, he had a new goal: tracking you, his treasured spaceship, and that damned keycard down, even if he would have to scour the entire galaxy just to see your eyes once more.

XIAO

“hey,” a familiar voice barks, which xiao ignores as he nuzzles his face further into his elbow, having fallen asleep at his desk. “hey!” the voice is more insistent and he feels fingers dig into his shoulder, shaking his slumped over form and moving xiao’s wheeled office chair slightly. “get up. you’re sleeping on the job and night shift is coming soon.”

as the voice continues to not leave him alone, xiao finally realizes who is speaking to him. its you. upon this realization, xiao concedes and sits up, wincing as he adjusts to the harsh fluorescent lights that illuminate the room.

“there is no night shift. we’re in space. that’s not a-” xiao complains, but upon seeing you and realizing what you’re holding up in a bag in your hand, ceases his whining and instead chooses to look up at you with wide eyes. “holy shit, is that surface almond tofu?! how did you get that?!”

“sheesh.” you begin, waving the bag slightly back and forth. “i didn’t think you would get this riled up over it.” 

“i would sell my soul for a bag of that after suffering through the eternal misery that is the food on this godforsaken ship.” xiao deadpans and you can’t help but think he’s almost serious. he extends his hands to you and you can’t help but note the way the sleeves of his uniform are pushed up to his elbows, especially since his forearms showcase a plethora of scars that you rarely get to see. they signal that the man is an outsider to your legion of computer nerds (and that his well-defined forearms are really hot, but that’s beside the point). 

you quickly snap out of your daze as his hands crinkle the bag you’re holding and you lightly swat his hands away from the bag, glaring at him. a scowl crosses his features at your actions and he slumps against the back of his chair, swiveling to fully face you.

“the tofu is yours, but i need something in exchange,” you bargain and you watch as xiao’s eyes narrow at the horrid implication held within your tone. “a lot of my cybersecurity guys are out trying to rework the engine room’s login mechanism... it’s a long story. anyways, i was wondering if you’d find it within the kindness of your heart to pick up one of their shifts.”

“you’re not paying me for this shift, are you?” xiao asks and you can feel your face scrunch up in irritation.

“listen, i went to hell and back to try to get you this tofu so you would say yes and you’re worried about payment? they cover lodging and food when you work he-” you begin to rant, but a rare smile from xiao makes the words die on your lips as you feel heat rise to your face.

“i never said i wouldn’t. you’re always so quick to judge.” his tone is condescending as he smirks smugly at you, reaching to take the bag of tofu from your now slackened grip as you stare at him, visibly flustered by his haughty tone in tandem with a grin you scarcely see.

“oh... uh, alright,” you try to recover, readjusting your posture to stand up straighter, willing yourself to stay composed. his golden eyes stare directly into yours as he plucks a cube of tofu out of the bag with his index finger and thumb. without breaking eye contact, he pops the tofu cube into his mouth and, after swallowing, licks his lips. “let’s um... let’s get started!”

---

xiao is a former yaksha, an elite fighter who served as part of commander rex lapis’s most trusted squadron of soldiers. after an injury rendered him unfit to return to battle, xiao decided to look for other ways to help defend the liyuean fleet, which resulted in him joining your group of cybersecurity experts, who protect the fleet by making sure all systems remain secure and that there are no electronic security breaches.

at the beginning of his job, xiao was fairly terrible with technology and would have been fired nearly immediately for his incompetence if not for his direct recommendation from rex lapis himself. unfortunately for you, you were assigned his superior and nearly lost your mind when the man had to stare at the keyboard in order to know where the keys were as he typed. xiao’s attitude was initially offputting, both sardonic and angry, but he eventually sheathed his bitter defensive weapon of haughtiness and condescension in order to ask you for help outside of work hours to help him learn how to be better at his job.

now, several years later, the two of you are fairly good friends (as good as one can be friends with xiao, you think) to the point where he whines about his dumb bumbling friends (zhongli and some other person you had yet to catch the name of) who run in circles around each other, despite the fact that they blatantly like each other. each time he complains, you scratch your head in confusion, because you and him do the exact same thing.

you’re not entirely oblivious. you’ve realized that xiao acts... different around you than he does around most people. he’s softer and more open, but you don’t want to get your hopes up, so you’ve made yourself more open in return, hoping that he’ll realize your interest. often times, your flirtations will leave him flustered and reeling, but on rare occasions, xiao will take the opportunity to fluster you instead, which is far more effective than any way you could try to charm him. you’re fairly sure he can read you like an open book, so you wait for him to confess his emotions to you.

little do you know, xiao feels the exact same way about you as he awaits your confession. no, he’s not scared of rejection. he’s a former yaksha, do you know how many people he’s taken down? why would he be scared of heartbreak and the utter agony that follows as he’s forced not only to deal with rejection but report to you at work every day? ... oh. maybe he is a little scared. just a teensy, tiny little bit scared.

but hey, if the two of you are lucky, maybe you���ll both confess at the same time after the tension between the two of you nearly suffocates you both.

[awanderingdeal]

An unfair race

I finally finished this! This fic is kind of a follow on to Endless Nights. Note: That fic is rated M and contains some sexual content, but you do not need to read it for this to make sense. I wanted to combine Finn talking with Heather, and an aspect of the discussion after that fic, where we talked about athletes in particular using exercise as a coping mechanism, and how this can sometimes turn unhealthy.

Some content warnings for this one: over exercise (if you'd like to skip the explicit description of this, skip to after the first stars, although there are a couple of mentions throughout), food mentions, self-depreciation and mentions of coming out/being outed.

Rating: T

If you feel I missed any content warnings or need to change the rating, please drop me a message!

The characters in this fic are from the sweater weather universe and belong to @lumosinlove

Finn’s entire body ached as his feet pounded against the path once more. His form was sloppy now, shoulders too hunched over and his strides falling without any real control. He forced himself onwards, breaths coming in fast pants, the straining muscles of his quads screaming desperately for more oxygen. And yet, his brain still whirred, obnoxiously loud thoughts pushing their way back to the forefront each time Finn managed to grasp a few blissful quiet seconds. He’d lost count of the number of times he’d passed the statue of the girl and her ducks, the smile on her face that he normally found so comforting becoming more and more irritating with each meeting. As he came to the gates of the park, Finn contemplated going home, but even just the reduced speed had brought the taunting thoughts back with a vengeance. One more go.

***

"H, has her jacket on. Has everybody got their game faces ready, boys?" It had been at least 30 minutes since James had made the joke as they all tumbled from the locker room, yet the sound of bright laughter still rang in Finn's ears.

He watched as Heather tugged her suit jacket more tightly around her, their eyes meeting for the third time in short succession. Fuck. Finn pushed his tongue against his mouthguard, sinking his teeth into the hard plastic. Later, self-inflicted as the need would be, he would complain about the new one he’d have moulded, each guard always feeling slightly different. For now, the rhythmic clench of his jaw was soothing.

Finn forced a breath through his nose, trying not to react too visibly as Heather dipped her head once more to add another scribbled note to the small, black book she carried everywhere. He forced himself to look away, knowing his constant glances were giving away his unease. Whilst Heather didn’t come to every training session, not even most, it wasn’t that uncommon to see her hovering around the edges of the ice, and ordinarily, only the very newest of the team paid any attention to her beyond an initial greeting.

“Earth to O’Hara!”

Finn held up his hand in apology, shaking himself back to the training session. Kasey’s eyes bored into him. It wasn't his usual intense stare, but something more concerned and Finn waited for the inevitable question. After a long few seconds, Kasey's eyes dropped to the puck, passing it back to Finn to take another shot.

The numbers on the clock inched forwards, slow and heavy like the sweet sticky molasses Leo was so fond of. Still, when Coach finally dismissed them for the day, Finn found himself wanting to take another lap. If he could get his thighs to burn enough then his head would race a little less, and it wouldn’t be too suspicious; Finn’s record of being last on the ice was surpassed only by Sirius. Before Finn could really consider it, Leo was next to him, knocking their shoulders together.

“Hey,” Leo cocked his head slightly, hair ruffled from the mask he’d recently pulled off and his pale skin glistening with sweat. He looked as beautiful as ever. Illogical as it was, it somehow made the dull ache in Finn's chest worse. "Everything good?"

"Yeah," Finn tried for a smile. "Busy brain today, that's all." There was no point brushing the question off completely; Leo was scarily observant. He and Logan often joked that he had eyes in the back of his head. Finn had no doubt he had caught the many pucks he had missed over the last hour.

"That sucks," Leo said, scepticism leaking into his voice. "Is there anything I can do to help?" Finn followed his glance behind them to where Logan was tussling with Jackson, loud rumblings of French intertwined with their laughter. "Or Lo, perhaps?"

"I like it when he looks like that,” Finn sighed.

"Mmm, me too” Leo hummed, his features softening. “Don’t think I didn’t notice that change of subject though, Sir. You don’t have to talk to me about it, but please don’t bottle it all."

Finn slumped into his stall, smiling as Leo lifted his hand to press a kiss to the knuckles. “I’m dealing with it.”

“Baby,” Leo started, his next word morphing into a stunted exhalation of air. His eyes closed briefly, his shoulders squaring before he relaxed them. He opened his mouth again, the sentence uttered clearly not what he’d originally planned on saying. "I'm going to take my padding off and head to see Lars. I think Loops is sticking around so I can get a ride with him if you two want to go home?"

Finn thought back to the quiet look of concern on Logan's face after he'd got home from his run the previous evening, and to the creased lines of worry at the corners of Leo's eyes earlier. "I think I might go and see Heather," he shrugged.

"Thank God," Logan appeared, wrapping his arms around Finn's waist. "Your runs were getting ridiculous."

"You didn't say anything?" Finn turned in Logan's arms, to rest his chin on top of his head.

"We were going to give you one more day. Leo wanted to speak to you this evening, only I had faith.”

"Oh, fuck off," Leo laughed. "You were just avoiding the conversation."

“I’m offended that you would even suggest that,” Logan burrowed into Finn’s chest. The sweat soaked gear they wore didn’t smell great, but neither of them seemed to care.

Moody huffed as he veered around them, his arms filled with tape. “No canoodling in the locker room.”

***

“As lovely as this chat has been Finn, if you really did just come in to catch up then I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I’ve got a couple of sessions this afternoon, and a mound of paperwork to complete,” Heather shifted in the forest green bucket chair. They were new since Finn had last been in here, replacing an ugly leather thing that Heather had always complained was too stereotypical. She’d removed her jacket now that she was back in her heated office, the item hung on the back of the door where it rightfully belonged.

Finn, freshly showered and changed, sat cross legged in the chair opposite. He reached forward to grab more pretzel sticks from the bowl on the table between them, puckering his lips as his tongue protested another injection of salt. “You know there is something I could do with your opinion on.”

Despite the reaction being minute, Finn saw the tiny upwards quirk of Heather’s lips. “Go on,” she encouraged.

“It’s dumb,” Finn muttered, drumming his fingers against the arm of the chair.

“Thoughts don’t have moral value Finn, it’s what we do with that’s important.” Heather pulled a handful of tissues from a box on the table, holding them out. “Tap away, but please spare the upholstery.”

“Sorry,” Finn grimaced, cleaning his hands of the salty residue.

“No need to apologise, I’m just still a bit precious about the new furniture.” Heather smiled. “Why do you think your issue is dumb?”

“It’s -” Finn tugged at his sleeve. “I can just never be happy with what I’ve got can I? I spent 8 years saying that if Logan could just love me back then I’d never complain again. And now I’ve got Logan and Leo and I’m still not happy.”

“What’s making you unhappy?

Finn breathed in deeply, scrunching his eyes shut. He’d spent weeks stuffing the pain into the tiniest box he could in his brain, and now here Heather was asking him to just - talk about it?

“Finn, look at me?” Finn did as he was asked, lifting his head to find Heather’s kind eyes. “I’m going to reiterate something I’ve said before. You can say anything you want here. It doesn’t matter if it’s selfish or unkind or if you think it’s stupid. Unless I think you’re a danger to yourself or anybody else, then nobody is going to hear about it.”

Finn bit his lip, wiggling his toes beneath his legs. “I get jealous,” he rushed out. “I get jealous of Cap and Loops and Potts and Lily and all those other couples who just get to hug and kiss and tell the cameras how stupidly in love they are.” He paused, the panic of having told somebody matching the relief, but now the words had started tumbling out he couldn’t stop. “I get so angry about it. Sometimes, for the tiniest second, I hate them. All of them.” he whispered, barely able to admit it. “And then I just feel worse. Because I love them too and it’s not their fault. Cap and Loops didn’t even get a choice in the matter. How messed up is it to be jealous of somebody that got outed?”

“Emotions are complex. It is possible for you to have sympathy for Sirius and Remus, whilst still feeling jealous that they now can be more open about their relationship.”

'I don't like it," Finn huffed. The sentence had come out mimicking a toddler having a tantrum. Finn wanted to act like one too, to throw himself on the floor and scream.

“Have you spoken to Leo or Logan about it?”

“No,” Finn frowned. “It would just make them sad and I don’t want them to pressure them. I don’t want them to know I think such horrible things.”

“Okay,” Heather nodded. “Imagine one of them came to you and told you everything you’d just told me. What would you say to them?”

“Wait.” A distressed noise fell from Finn’s lips. “Do they talk to you about this too? Both of them make a comment here or there, but we talked about it not long ago and we agreed that we weren’t ready.”

“Finn, you know I can’t tell you about what I discuss with Leo or Logan.”

“It was worth a shot,” Finn shrugged.

“So, what would you say?”

“I’d say they are entitled to be jealous. I'd say it’s not fair we don’t get to do everything the others do just because the world is homophobic and close minded and can’t imagine the three of us could love each other exactly the same as every other more traditional couple. I’d say that I know they don’t hate Cap or Loops or Potts or Lily, they hate the situation and that’s completely understandable. It fucking sucks and they can be angry about it." Finn drew in a hulking breath, Heather's outline a little blurred through his wet eyes. Each word had sent an aching pain through his body, similar to when he ran, only now he felt like was chasing something cathartic rather than running away.

"Earlier you said what you had to tell me was dumb," Heather said. "Can you explain why you think that it's dumb for you to feel that way, horrible even, but if it were Leo or Logan their feelings are valid."

"Maybe it's not dumb," Finn looked down at his hands, tracing over the freckles there. "But that doesn't change the fact I don't like having those thoughts. Especially when I don't want to act on them. I’m okay with waiting to tell people about us, if we ever do. They're not ready. I'm not ready."

"That’s something we can work on. Helping you to reframe those thoughts, I mean.” Heather slipped her notebook from where it had been tucked beside her and made a note. Finn leaned his elbow on his leg, tucking his chin onto his fist, trying to make his attempts to see the page surreptitious. Capping her pen, she gave a small chuckle, “I’m just leaving myself a reminder of what we’ve discussed. You can always ask what I’m writing, I’m not trying to keep secrets from you.”

Finn sat back, the book no longer quite so interesting now that it wasn’t forbidden. “So? That’s it?”

Heather hummed. “For today. I think you’ve got a lot to think about already. I’ll schedule some more sessions with you over the next few days, okay? It’ll give me a chance to get some new pretzels.”

"Thanks," Finn laughed, then gestured at the empty bowl. "For the pretzels. And the talk."

“That’s what I’m here for,” Heather said. “I’m just going to ask one thing of you before I see you next. Please try to keep your evening runs to a reason-”

“Who snitched?”

“There was no snitching, as you call it. We’ve just known each other for a while now, Finn. And as an employee of the Lions whose job it is to make sure you’re at top playing ability, I don’t want you to injure yourself. As your psychologist, I want you to have healthy coping mechanisms and exercising to that extent is not healthy.”

“I know,” Finn unfolded his legs, stretching them out. They’d gone stiff after being sat on for so long, the sensation coming back with an uncomfortable tingle. “I’ll try to keep the runs in check, promise.” His gaze fell on the closed door, steeling himself to leave. He stood, sending Heather one last smile. It was safe in here, but his boys were out there.

“See you soon, Finn.”

Stepping out of the office, Finn closed his eyes, giving himself a second to compose himself. A rustle of movement to his left caught his attention, startling a little at the sight of Leo and Logan. They sat on the floor, Leo’s hand resting on Logan’s knee where they were hunched to his chest.

“Sorry,” Leo scrambled to his feet, his arm outstretched to let Logan pull himself upright too. “We didn’t want to wait too far away. In case, well, I don’t know, you needed us.”

Finn joined them, immediately finding Logan attached to his side, his familiar warmth exactly what he wanted right now. “I’m okay,” he assured. “I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about it with you guys just yet. I need a bit of time to process, but just you being here makes things better. I’m going to see Heather a bit more too.”

“Proud of you.” Leo flanked him on the other side, taking his hand. Finn didn’t get to be in the middle often, Logan usually claiming the spot, and he felt like he had a kind of shield. “We just want you to be happy. And safe.”

“Can we go home, please?”

“Ouais, home,” Logan agreed.

[ly-canthropewrites]

Gentle Mornings

Pairing: Walter Marshall x Reader

Word Count:  1,636

Rating: SFW, Fluff

Summary: Mornings with Walter are dreamy and something special. 

A/N: Thank you to @yespolkadotkitty​ for beta’ing the first half of it for me!

“You left me alone in bed,” you hear a voice accuse you. 

The gruffness of the voice makes you look up, an involuntary smile stretching across your lips as you watch Walter shift towards you, drowsiness making his movements sluggish and it is evident that he has only just woken up himself. 

“How long have you been up for?” he questions. 

You accept the soft kiss that is pressed to the crown of your head. 

“A while. I couldn’t sleep,”. 

Walter glances at his watch, noting it is a sharp six a.m. and by the two large stacks of documents situated on either side of you, you’ve been up before dawn rose. You look cozy. Legs protected by a thick pair of sweatpants and his enormous dressing gown smothers you whole. Fluffy socks adorn your usually cold feet. 

Despite your attempts at keeping warm, the dull pallor of your exposed hands reveal how much the chilly winter is affecting you. 

“Come sit with me,” you beg, tilting your head up to give him a pleading look. 

He is happy to obey, still sleepy himself and the couch is a comfortable enough substitute for bed. You shift your documents and place your computer to the side, resting it upon the broad armrest of the lounge to free up space for your husband.

Before settling himself down, Walter snags the two blankets that sit at home on the end of the couch, draping the thickest one over your legs before crawling onto the couch. Wordlessly, he lays his head upon your lap, your soft thighs his favourite pillow. The second blanket is used to cover himself as he cuddles in deep. 

He misses your adoring smile above him but feels your gentle fingers tangle in his unruly curls. Walter moans quietly, eyes fluttering closed and his weight rests heavily as he relaxes. Silently, you play with the darkened locks. Alternating between twirling the soft strands around your fingertips and combing your fingers through his mop of hair. The zephyrous ministrations easily seduce Walter into a warm doze, balancing the fine line between wakefulness and slumber. He feels warm, loved, adored. 

Just when you think he has fallen asleep, he startles you by capturing one of your hands. Your arm is pliant as he brings your frozen extremity to his mouth, brushing his lips against your palm. His hand entirely encompasses yours and between the natural heat of him and the heat of his lips, your hand becomes toasty and perfused. 

He adores on your hand for long moments, smothering every inch of your skin in whispering kisses, the burn of his beard leaving electricity in its wake. You giggle when he travels to your pulse point, layering kisses upon your radial heart beat. He can feel the strong thumping against his lips, tattooing the beat on his mouth and he leaves a wet, open mouthed kiss before releasing your wrist. 

The house is silent around you as the world slowly wakes up and is bathed in golden light. Walter slowly falls asleep in your lap as you turn back to your work, the positioning now slightly awkward with everything shifted to your left but you don’t dare disturb your husband. He deserves his rest. 

The comforting weight of Walter sleeping upon you helps you focus on your work, no possible distractions having the chance to arise since you fear waking the sleeping lieutenant. It ends up being a productive hour, one pile of documents now much larger than it’s counterpart and you’ve managed to untangle the messy ringlets of bed hair that Walter has not even bothered to comb this morning. 

Abruptly, Walter stiffens in his sleep, stretching his muscular body across the entirety of the couch before exhaling deeply, twisting onto his back and groans whilst he sprawls into a more comfortable position. You chuckle softly, amusedly shaking your head and instinctively, you reach out and run your thumb along the minor stress lines that marr his forehead. The job has aged him, you muse sadly. Faint frown lines decorate his face, in the same way, his chest displays the multitude of honour medals when he stands at attention during ceremonies. 

He shifts again, a heavy sigh being released as Walter reaches up and rubs the palm of his hand across his face. A lazy yawn and furrowed eyebrows follows the motion. He is mesmerising, even in the sleepy and languid morning. 

“Morning handsome,” you greet, voice melodious with affection.

He tilts his head back, ear following the sweetness of your voice and he hums blissfully, lips parting slightly and he relishes in the honeyed tone of your tenderness. Drowsily, he cracks open his eyes, blinking away the last tendrils of lethargy. 

“How long have I been asleep?” Walter huskily questions, grunting as he heaves himself up, swinging his legs over the edge of the couch and slouches forward, chin resting in the cup of his hands as he yawns one last time. 

“An hour or so, you must have been tired,”. 

He glances over to you, observing how you have completed a large chunk of your work and that there is a lack of cups sitting close by. 

“Coffee,” is all the broad man says before he rises to his feet and ambles into the kitchen. 

You titter as he passes by and quickly use the time to stretch out your legs, sighing delightfully as the blood rushes back to the lower limbs. The familiar and abrasive coffee grinder erupts to life from the kitchen and not long after, the tantalising aroma of nutty caffeine reaches the living room. Your husband emerges with two large mugs in his hands, stern eyes trained on the prize as he steadily walks towards you, determined to not spill a single, precious drop. You have him well-trained as he automatically deposits the steamy cup on the marble-patterned coaster that is situated on the arm of the couch. His own mug is placed on the nearby coffee-table, an action you frown at because Lieutenant Marshall loves his coffee just as much as you, but you are pleasantly surprised when he turns to you. There is a soft look of adoration visible in his azure eyes and he stands before you, a strong, calloused hand presses against your cheek and his thumb delicately strokes the apple of your cheek.

You nuzzle into his palm, eyes crinkling in the corners as you gaze up at Walter, a besotted smile dancing across your lips. He leans down, nudging his nose against yours and gently, he manipulates your head to the side, allowing him the perfect access to his true desire. He kisses you softly, at first his lips barely brush against yours, as light as summer rain and just long enough that he could grasp the addictive taste of your lip balm, drawing him back for more. 

The second pass of his lips is firmer, the sensual hint of his tongue running along the seam of your lips and you moan. It gives Walter the opportunity to delve into your mouth, guiding the languid kiss and you fall pliant beneath his talented lips. His tongue sweeps across the moist space, the bristles of his beard scratching deliciously against your skin as you bury your hand in his curls, holding him against you as you get lost in the passionate sensation. He lazily draws back, sucking slightly on your tongue before pulling away completely, only a beady strand of saliva connecting you both. 

Unable to stray for long, he returns to your swollen lips, nibbling at the delectable tissue and soothes the abused skin with a subtle peck. You feel mildly lightheaded, so enrapt in the pleasure Walter subdues you with that you forgot to breathe. You snicker, sucking in a lungful of oxygen and Walter watches you, bemused. 

“Does my kissing entertain you, pretty girl?” He teases, hiding his exuberance and breathlessness better than you as he draws himself to his full height and retrieves his coffee mug. 

It takes you a few seconds to rein in your giggles, shaking your head to give a non-verbal response until you compose yourself. 

“No, no - I was just thinking that was one hell of a morning kiss,”. 

Walter chuckles alongside you, taking a long draw of the liquid caffeine and sits beside you. 

“I can’t blame myself, wife, I can barely control myself around you,”.

You tilt your head in his direction, crooking an eyebrow as you make eye contact with him. Innocently, Walter takes another drag of coffee and rests an enormous hand on your knee, the heat of his palm burning through the thick dressing gown and causes a burst of goose pimples across your skin. You titter, fondly smiling as you turn back to your own work, absentmindedly reaching for your own mug and the hazelnut taste explodes across your tastebuds. 

The joyful atmosphere remains, even though you both fall into your own activities. Walter doesn’t turn the television on, not daring to disturb your focus and instead, he skims through the local news web-page, catching up on the world he missed while he slept. Every now and then, he runs across a random snapshot and he has to show you, despite the distraction. He knows how much you love watching the videos of adorable dog antics, and the silvery sound of your laughter makes him want to find another video you’d appreciate - just so he can hear that blessed sound one more time. 

It is rare for Walter to have a gentle morning like this, these types of periods dotted few and far between his chaotically messy work hours, but then again, that is why he values them so much - because they are just as sacred as his love for you.

Tagging Henry Cavill (ie. people I interact with from my main blog):

 @solariumss  @littlefreya @toomanystoriessolittletime @viking-raider @jaskierhastwohands @yoursecretsmutblog @mrsaugustwalker @lovely-cryptid @onlyhenrys  @oddsnendsfanfics @angelic-kisses13 @thethirstyarchive @ladyreapermc @henchry @deathonyourtongue @promptandpros @meowpurrbooks @musings-sans-muse @sideh0e @supersweetstache @cavillanche @mary-ann84 @the-winter-witcher  @evnscvll @chamomilebottom @dancingwendigo @peakygroupie @princess-of-riviaa @ohjules @radaofrivia @ellixthea @suueeeeeee @henrythickcavill @penwieldingdreamer @fanficsrusz @wondersofdreaming @dearlybelovedluke @demivampirew @nuns-and-roses @iloveyouyen @luclittlepond @cinebration @agirllovespasta @havenoffandoms @girl-next-door-writes @shellbilee @inber @honeychicanawrites @honeychicana​ @queen-sands​ @magdelen69​ @laketaj24​ @yespolkadotkitty​

[moxfirefly]

This comes as result of an idea and going through some hard times as of late. The reader here has their issues but hey we aren’t inherently perfect and I like getting into that mindset and seeing what comes up. So consider this somewhat introspective piece when a ‘relationship’ maybe isn’t the best.

Mikey x Fem!Reader

Rated Mature/Angst/Feels (18+ Only)

“I am human and I need to be loved”

A lifespan isn’t enough to understand that love is a complicated emotion. It’s addicting caress can remain in ones soul for ages. Love is kind they say, but what of those moments where it’s not? When the heart strangles itself and you choke on desperation?

Love isn’t perfect, that very imperfection glued us to those we worship. That hurt can be addicting as well.

He’s aware of it, he knows that his innocence only hides a questioning.

Because Mikey has gotten so good at hiding those dark parts that linger like shadows in his brain. There’s pain behind that smile, there’s sadness hidden beneath the foundation he’s lain.

You see it, you’re aware of it.

You can’t help but feel ashamed you’re the cause of it.

You want to take ownership of it but every time your mouth opens that tightness in your jaw increases. Before the words can be processed you’re doing most of the speaking with your hands.

And your lips.

Mikey’s never denied you, the thought of rejection paralyzes him so profoundly he aches. But it would be unwise to state there isn’t any trace of doubt. He’s mindful of your distaste for love, that you aren’t a believer. He’s mindful of what cracks inside of him when you flirt your way through the day. He’s at the forefront but he isn’t unwise to the way you linger a hand on Leo’s arm or how your eyes light up when April walks into a room.

Your eyes have that same bright hue when he’s the target. When it’s the two of you and your fingers map out a path on his thigh. It’s so palpable in the air that surrounds the two of you when you suddenly crash into him and swallow his soul whole.

You’re greedy.

The first time you had kissed him he swore there was no way he could verbally describe what erupted inside of him. He remembers it clearly like a fond dream, the way you had pushed him into a darken corner. Your hands on his waist, pink tongue tasting orange crush and sweets.

He had been so shy it had melted you. His hands tentatively resting on hips. Lips merely following your lead. When you had stopped with your lips lingering so closely to his, you had simply giggled and asked him where the night could take you both.

Mikey knows what whiplash feels like, but emotionally this was his first time. He let it go, slowly watched whatever this had meant leave his grasp.

He lets you lead.

You’re so greedy.

He can’t blame you as much as he can blame himself. This isn’t the only time naturally, he could switch the memories like tv stations, often settling on his favorite ones.

He tries to avoid the ones that hurt.

You want to blame life, blame all past events that led you to develop a thick skin. It’s so impenetrable, but the dents are here and there scattered across two decades. Mikey sees the road map of damage, it hides behind your smile and your nonchalant attitude towards the tomorrow. He kinda likes it though, that you can build up a wall for whatever tries to infiltrate your barrier.

He’s addicted to the fact that you allow him in, that your guard goes down when he’s there. Mikey just wishes he had a clearer read, that whatever is happening could have a description a fucking name tag maybe. But soon enough you’re jumping into his open and awaiting arms, pressing yourself so flush against him and whispering how much you just missed him.

Mikey doesn’t miss how you stick like glue to him one particular night. The gangs there, everyone watching some horror flick that Casey had brought over. He can’t keep his eyes straight when you’re so warm next to him, tracing lazy circles on his palm before gripping it like it was some habit.

You were a habit basically, a tick that comforted him and somehow kept him grounded into this plain of existence. It’s a rush of blood to the head. Something that swims inside of his soul, wraps around him like ivy.

You wish it could be simple, to face up and just accept the cards laid out. But you were never one to just take it at face value. Easy just wasn’t in your vocabulary and well, it’s obvious that it’s not in Mikey’s wether by proxy or his own doing.

So when you quietly excuse yourself and feel Mikey’s blue orbs follow you, you obviously text him to come with after a minute or so.

The minute he follows into his and Raph’s room and finds you sitting on his bed with your legs crossed looking pleased as punch, he knows he’s so utterly screwed. Cause he’d do anything to have that image frozen in time and place, just you and that beautiful smile that robs him of thought and oxygen. Even as you beckon him closer with a gleam in your eye that means trouble and a hundred more questions for Mikey to stay up all day and night over.

He follows.

He comes to the foot of his bed and almost overloads when the tip of that beckoning finger runs a path over what would be his navel. Mikey swallows hard, breathing through his nostrils.

It guts you how he reaches out to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. Mikey honest to god admires you like living breathing art. He takes a sharp inhale when you press your face to his clothed crotch and moan at the sensation that greets you. Mikey can’t erase the image of you, looking up at him as you push down his shorts, lust and what he registers might be love in your e/c orbs.

Much less when you take him into your mouth and the heat rushes down your body to your core. Your red cheeks hollowing in and creating such a tightness that Mikey whimpers, one hand gripping the back of your head and the other somehow interlocking with yours. It’s the intimacy of it, with your eyes fluttering closed as you take him as deeply as you possibly can. How his fingers play with yours.

Mikey tries to mumble something coherent out, he wants to tell you that he’s close and he knows it’s proper etiquete to tell you. It’s actually sweet and you almost giggle with a mouthful of him even when you feel nails dig into the back of your head as Mikey tries to not moan too loudly.

The way your throat bobs, lips swollen with a sticky sheen to them. He’s punch drunk, loves struck when he cups your cheeks and kisses you, tasting himself and falling further down into the rabbit hole that’s become the two of you not questioning this.

And god he should question it before his mind keeps running every possible scenario that’s caused this to be so unidentifiable. Because after that night he’s got radio silence from you for four days. He feels like a ghost floating around his brothers, going from motion to motion until he decides to take that step.

He shows up at your apartment, contemplates knocking on that window for fifteen minutes but what can he say? What does he want to ask? What if it drives you and whatever this is away?

He caves, eyes not so bright when you pull apart the curtains and he’s met with the same look he’s been sporting these past few days. You do smile though, that smile that digs nails into his soul. You let him come in, already putting on a mask that fits too perfectly.

“What’s wrong...Are you mad at me?” Mikey asks tentatively like peeling a hangnail. You freeze on your way to the kitchen, looking down at your bare feet like the answer might sprout from beneath them. “Nothings wrong, was just busy is all” It’s a pathetic excuse and not entirely truthful because you’ve been stewing in your apartment knowing full well that the boy behind you has planted roots in your heart.

And it scares the shit out of you.

So you turn, that shield up so high that Mikey notices and the whiplash is hard when you close the distance and wrap your arms around his neck. “What? Miss me that much?” Your scent hits him like a fresh hit to an addict. Four days without the warmth of your skin burning him. Mikey wants to test that shield, destroy it with his bare hands and find the real you in there, he pulls back far enough to look into your eyes and drown in them.

He quietly accepts his fate right then and there, ready to hand over his heart into your hands and watch you squeeze. And you see it all, your chest tight and jaw set, you run a finger across his cheek in such soothing slow motion. You want to tell him that this isn’t worth the heartache and headache, that you won’t come around any time soon.

Instead, you start to strip off his gear, bit by bit, each carefully taken apart. You untie his sweater from around his waist, hands lingering and maping out every detail you want forever engraved in your brain. You grab his hand and put them on you, a silent agreement for him to do the same. Mikey strips you out of your hoodie, finding a sports bra beneath it, eyes glued to new skin as he kneels and hooks his fingers in your shorts and slides them down slowly.

You walk him to your room, hand tightly clasped around his and there’s no hesitation in your steps because you want this and he wants this but every question that’ll come from this will just have to wait. You truly do go about things the wrong way.

The innocent touching makes your heart twist, the way his blue eyes run over you like you’re stolen art and he’s got dibs on it. It’s so sweet, asking his permission with a look to strip you of your bra, to run his hands towards the newly exposed flesh. It guts you so deeply when he pulls you close against him and just holds you, cause it dawns on you that Mikey has never held somebody this intimately. You shiver with the way he circles your back in ghostly touches, just basking in what it feels to feel your skin so close to his.

“We don’t have to do this” ‘I don’t want to hurt you’

“It’s okay, I just...Don’t disappear on me like that please” Mikey feels you tighten your grip on him and it takes every inch of his resolve to not crumble and just say that he loves you, that he’s loved you from the moment you rested your head on his shoulder, from the moments you’ve kissed him and made his head so clouded with questions of ‘If’ and ‘maybe’ but he knows he won’t be met with the same words.

Maybe not now, or simply not at all.

So he holds you close, even as you start to tremble, feeling tears on his shoulder. You can’t say anything, you can’t say a single damn thing.

See I've already waited too long

And all my hope is gone

[my-writings-and-musings]

Could you do Fort Max and First Aid for the oxygen loss?

Seriosuly loving it, angst and comfort/fluff is the best combination lmao

It is the best combination and those are two of the best boys so I am ON IT! Fort Max is in part eight listed below, but here's First Aid!

Part One: Here!

Part Two: Here!

Part Three: Here!

Part Four: Here!

Part Five: Here!

Part Six: Here!

Part Seven: Here!

Part Eight: Here!

Part Nine: Here!

Part Ten: Here!

Part Eleven: You're Here!

Part Twelve: Here!

First Aid

·Ever one for new experiences, he'd been quite enthusiastic to have a human join the crew, and perhaps it was his penchant for thoroughly appreciating every unknown he came across that had led to your fast paced courtship. The bot had simply demonstrated an almost overwhelming fascination towards you from day one, and in short time the connection between the two of you had been discovered through his efforts. Now you were nearly inseparable. Off days and breaks are always used for bonding, and today is no exception. Atop his lap as he sits comfortably, you happily listen to his enthusiastic and commentary filled reading of a Wrecker's Declassified, loving how he has the most obvious and adorable starstruck look while doing so. You could listen all day just to see his schoolboy crush play out before you.

·For him, having someone who listens and values his opinions without hesitation is enough to get his spark humming. He's rather accustomed to being passed over for bots with more experience and fame, so seeing your eyes focused on him with such rapt attention is... well, it's just nice. Finding you exceptionally adorable doesn't make it any less sweet. Being human also means a great deal of his favorite topics are new to you, so he gets to introduce you to all the wonders of the Wreckers, something that he loves every moment of. It's also not unpleasant to have your tiny body close to his, practically snuggling against him... Cuddling is something more or less new to him as well, so having it at all is yet another wonder you've brought to his life. There's a vague hope in the back of his processor that he'll be brave enough to suggest sharing a berth someday, just for a nice nap together, as he's not yet been brave enough to ask such a thing of you.

·Unfortunately, the universe has very little respect for his plans. Accustomed to interruptions as an always on call medic, he can't help but be a little frustrated when Ratchet starts comming him out of the blue, but he knows better than to show it. Something serious must be going on if their CMO needs assistance. Still in your partner's lap, you watch as he answers the communication, quite used to sudden messages like this pulling him away. It's a part of dating a medic; but nothing about this seems standard. First Aid shifts his expression to one of concern as the voice comes through the comm in broken static, though he's experienced enough to put together what little there is. A warning of failing systems gets him moving on instinct, his arms scooping you up as he moves to stand, and the instructions to head to his emergency stations is almost unnecessary when the line goes dead.

·You're surprised but not offput by the sudden change in your position, if only because being swept into his arms is... very nice. That doesn't prevent you from knowing something is off though, and thankfully he is just as aware of you as he is his responsibilities as a medic, more so of you to tell the truth... A calm visor reflects your face as he lifts you close to relay the situation. Something is wrong with the ship, he explains, and it's bad enough that Ratchet made a preemptive call for medical bots to get moving. That means he needs to get to the medical bay, and before you can ask he brings up the possibility of you coming with him. Worry is just perceptible on his face as he hesitantly expresses that having you there would be safer, and thus he'd feel better... The bashful look is so cute you momentarily forget the danger to give him a reassuring kiss on his faceplate while accepting the proposition.

·Ignoring the stars you make him see with a tiny smooch, he gets right to work, securing you in one arm and ensuring his room is locked before heading out. He can't help but feel protective as he does so, almost like your guard against the threat that feels omnipresent in every hallway. You feel the same, and he can tell by how you hold him tighter in his grasp, something that stirs his spark with almost overpowering affection. It's enough to make him certain he'd fight like a Phase Sixer to protect you... For your part, a similiar drive to keep him safe is present, despite the difference in size between you. Hopefully you help him feel a little more secure as the two of you move through the eerily quiet hallways.

·The protective instincts First Aid has honed in his career as a medic give him a half second warning that danger is inbound, but all he is able to do in that time is curl around you protectively when the world seems to shake itself asunder. Hard floors meet his back in a painful rush, and you're similiarly jostled against him, though thankfully the worst of the blow is softened by his reflexive brace for impact. Tremors continue to rock the ship once you both realize you're on the ground, but a great cacophony of noise fails to die down when the shaking does. It's not a noise you've ever heard before; though you can compare it to metal being torn, the echoing and overbearing sound is at a scale you can't even comprehend.

·First Aid, having a natural coolness under pressure, is able to collect himself even as the situation continues evolving. The alarm begins to go off as he gets himself off the floor, and he notes that had it not the entire crew would probably still be mobilizing. There was no way anybot didn't feel what he just happened to be a front row spectator towards. While being on a ship of soldiers meant backup would soon be available, he had a few concerns that just couldn't wait for the guards to be scrambled. With one path to the medical bay now inaccessible, and you being so vulnerable, he needs to get somewhere safe to plan. He holds you close as the first open room becomes a makeshift shelter.

·Still reeling from the shock of everything, you find yourself atop a table in one of the Lost Light's many maintenance rooms, watching as First Aid attaches a portable operating flashlight to his helm. Before you can ask a single question the light is covering your body as he looks you over, asking for clarification on your basic functions while checking for injuries at the same time. Only when he's satisfied you're stable does the opportunity for speech present itself. Half expecting another massive tremor to hit at any moment, you ask what on earth made the ship move and sound like it had hit a Titan sized can opener, and his visor darkens with worry. You take hold of his hand to reassure and encourage him.

·The explanation is a bit rushed, but understandable; the ship has been ambushed, no doubt the enemy is preparing to board through the makeshift docking station they just created, and enemies will soon flood in... Also, most of the ship's systems appear to be offline. It's bad enough news that you feel suddenly woozy and need to sit back on your little table. Seeing you afraid drives First Aid into action, his processor working overtime to formulate a plan that will get you to safety, though admittedly the situation is a tough one. It's only when he takes proper stock of his surroundings and notes the monitor station that an idea takes shape.

·Intent on finding a clear path, he lays out his plan as he starts typing, explaining his thought process as he hacks into the virus addled program to get what he needs. Though you find solace in his confidence, the surprise from before is still wearing you down. Exhaustion seems to be the only thing you can truly comprehend... First Aid breaks through the enemy programs holding information back, but his victory proves short lived when the many systems start showing their current status, and his triumph turns to horror at one in particular. Critical to your survival, the atmospheric generators are among the malfunctioning systems. Oxygen levels are dropping by the minute. Without a word, he turns on the spot and begins looking you over again, earning a cry of surprise as he scoops you up.

·Alarmed and confused, you haven't a clue what might have spurred the usually in control bot to act so rashly, and have to sputter out the question when your clouded head fails to settle. Something like an explanation pours out of him, but there's very little you understand due to an increasingly sluggish mind. The growing exhaustion alarms him further. There's precious little time before you reach critical levels of oxygen deprivation, and the hypoxia has already rid you of the ability to process the situation... An ache in his spark is joined by one in his head as he tries to formulate a plan, and when he is left with only a long shot, he's forced to take it for your sake. There's a shake in his hands as he cannibalizes the room for parts, throwing together a makeshift air scrubber that will generate just enough breathable oxygen to get you to the medical bay. You smile as you watch him make it, suddenly too tired to stay awake but wanting to watch him craft, if only because his ingenuity is one of your favorite traits. The pleasant haze is still there even as he lifts you again to bring a makeshift oxygen mask to your face and begin running.

·All he can really do is hope, but there's precious little optimism in his spark as he makes the journey to the medical bay in a blind run, not running into enemies by sheer luck. The countless mistakes he's made so far are all that exist beyond your terrifyingly expressionless face. It's distracting enough that he's surprised when the team of Autobots appears from nowhere, particularly as Ratchet is amongst them, but before the CMO can say a word First Aid is pleading with the more experienced medic for help. He feels like a student on their first bad rotation in a hospital ward, facing the possibility of death for the first time, only a million times more agonized because you're on the line. The older bot is mercifully understanding as he gently takes you and guides him back to the medical bay, where he enters a fog and settles in to his job without conscious thought. He sees everything; Ratchet stabilizes you with proper equipment, wounded bots start to come in with news the battle is over, the systems maintaining the ship all come completely online... None of it registers.

·All he can think of is how he failed. The machine he built could have been more effective, he should have predicted oxygen issues from the start, and had he not been distracting you with his foolish interests to begin with... It physically hurts, but he doesn't allow himself even a moment of reprieve from the self admonishment, and dedicates himself entirely to your wellbeing. Every tiny facet of your recovery is microanalyzed, down to the thousandth of a percent. He won't risk losing you to more of his mistakes. It's bad enough that he doesn't permit joy to show on his face when you finally begin to stir, not even cracking a smile when your beautiful eyes finally blink open and you look into his visor. Your own expression, however, immediately shifts to one of exhausted but emphatic relief. Seeing the bot you love alive after the chaos you remember enduring is more than you could have asked for.

·He can't help but be incredibly gentle as he asks how you feel, his affection too strong to ever suppress in its entirety. But you can see the struggle in his actions, having become so accustomed to his presence that the out of character reservation is as obvious to you as a fireworks display, so you quickly ask if he's okay after everything that happened. The innocent question actually makes him flinch. Not a moment later he breaks and loses the calm air of a medic, collapsing into a nearby chair to confess that your injuries are his fault, caused by a myriad of failures he can't reconcile. Head in his hands, he's caught off guard when you make an effort to move from your little bundle of blankets and tubes keeping you stable.

·Before he can say a word to stop you, he is silenced by a little hand taking hold of his digit, and though the mask is firmly fitted you still speak loud and clear enough for him to hear the firmness in your voice. As lovingly as you can, you insist that he stop what he's doing. Loving him is worth any risk, but because he's as resourceful and brilliant as he is, you had made it through a situation most wouldn't have survived. The rest of the universe may not always see his worth, but you do every time you see him. Growing dizzy from the force of your conviction, you're gently shushed and encouraged to lie back, yet to your exhausted delight First Aid appears anything but pained as he works. Adjusting your blankets and tenderly ensuring your comfort, he doesn't need to say thank you through anything but his actions. As always, you've brought him back down from that exhausting despair he grappled with so often in the past. After all, he must be capable indeed to have earned the love of someone so wonderful and unique. The least he can do is show his gratitude in a gentle brush of his thumb over your palm as you drift back to sleep.

[crackcrocs]

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #3

3. Transformation Central

the entities of my personalities would like to come together in one voice that speaks through me, we or I call this collection of words from the mustiest corners of my brain to this note page to voice something that might come close to what I feel underneath the skin I wear. In all my unorganised words- I might even go as far as to call this a poem, titled:

‘TRANSFORMATION CENTRAL’

sub characters in my head would appreciate if this could be visualised & understood through as deep a lens as humanly possible. even I confuse myself so if you can decode or relate to any of this, wonderful. If not, I’m locked in my own mind, swallowed the keys to my soul.

SIMILARITIES & INTERCONNECTEDNESS BETWEEN HUMAN & PLANT CONSCIOUSNESS EXIST! if you look closely at my nose freckles you’ll see the resemblance of the constellations above. if you look at the human veins & the layout of a tree, this is further proof.

{VISUALS THROUGH A SEPIA WINDOW STARING @ THE AUTUMN LEAFS; IMAGINING THE SEEDS UNDERNEATH, THROUGH NUMB ROOT VESSELS THAT PERMEATE THROUGH EVERY MEMBRANE OF MY EXTERNAL TO INTERNAL ENVIRONMENT}

~FEATURING THE VICIOUS CYCLE OF DEPRESSION & PERFECTIONISM.

here goes:

What is this part of my mind ?

If you want; delve inside-

I may look sweet like Alice,

but underneath it all

I deteste looking in the mirror

-cos I see the mad hatter.

my inner child needs a platter-

full of care not distortion & abuse pls.

less fibbin would’ve been a breeze.

now following the dead fish in the stream!

HOW on EARTH do I fit with the cod & the Haddock?

I’m the rainbow fish- beat & battered.

dim my own light cos I’m too afraid to shine.

alone.

thieves tried to steal my shiny scales.

I sat and watched them grow.

In the sea realm they were mean gargantuan selfish whales, with poisonous shark fangs & alligator tails. scorpion hands. (gremlins)

and still they make me feel like the alien-

I cant take it.

Make it make sense ?

I can’t.

controller in my hand-

Off balance stance.  

anxiously I move round like a wobbly jelly.

where’s the button to balance my chi & shut out the ego ?

the teLLIE telling lies to our vision!

change the channel aura terracotta orange- daily dosage of vitamin D & C.

catch me sun gazing by the sea

head buzzin like a bee.

speaking from a dusty box

stuck on top of a forbidden shelf

cos I dunno how else.

I’m tryna delve deep but forgot how to dive

How can i visualise? scenery foggy-

the establishment man with the glue gun got me xD

inner monk burning but at peace

Cos I refuse to believe

If the only way is the American dream

Interconnected; like the frog in science -let’s dissect it!

down to every floating atom spirit neighbouring your door

subcategories & divisions, it’s more!

than the rich and the poor -prism that’s been built

do we all feel like a performance monkey on stilts?

will my data be extracted & used to mould a robots personality some day?

well obviously not.

does the price of our lives all amount down to slave ways?

LABOUR YAY!

but morals & values it seems we’ve forgot.

sO If i don’t speak its cos I’m lost.

or maybe i’m enlightened-

Standing at the edge of the porch;

watching TRYING to understand how the flowers grow.

questioning eVERYTHING man made!

I’ve stepped out of the perfect picture frame

I can see the coal pollute the sky

I need to hop on the train-

but I’m comfortable

Sunset to sunrise statue standing still.

what’s the ingredients to life’s yucky pie?

I’ve exceeded mental lotteries.

Sanity n universal peace would be a trophy.

TIL then I’ll be crafting & shaping a solid pottery reality,

with a few pence, gum, and a bandana of belongings tied to stick.

thinking one day I’ll be laying the bricks

& building a kingdom of bliss.

guess for now I’ll use the intricate delicate materials in my tool box- that’s all I’ve got.

might have a long way- maybe worth a shot.

I observe, cruisin in the sky.

dunno why..

I jus look @ the hills.

Only time & history reveals.

no thanks mr men-

I don’t want your prescription pills.

there’s enough propaganda as it is.

I won’t jump on the merry go round-

til my core trusts & envisions we’ll actually feel safe!

I don’t want to take part in this faux fur, sweet nothings & a jack in a box punching blur, so called future.

oh and genuinely thanks quarantine-for once again, I can hear bird sounds!

guess this is me tryna speak out loud!!!...

it’s not thrilling

system  time killing everything-

mother nature’s oxygen

everything is nauseating

clock ticking, I better start creating.

they should write a book on how to be free when the system set us up to believe that we’re tied to the cut down trees that gives them a currency of greed that they breed.

If blindfolded, I don’t wanna eat what they feed.

Whilst they profit of us -tell us smile and the bandits don’t wanna see us happy.

they’re too busy robbing all our hoods.

In exchange for the silence, they’ve granted us with a 21’st century fashion garment of a slave muzzle! labelled conform.

More delusion to add to the already desensitised norm.

zootonic diseases, welcome covid 19 to your plastic kiddy tea party!- apologies for questioning your motive!

Been handed too many hot plates with a post it note saying HOLD THIS.

we’ll be okay just hush.

Same Shan message told to every generational seed.

If we don’t TRY overpower-

we’ll never succeed!

it’s getting even more scary.

Artificial intelligence.

Societal negligence..

my canvas isn’t clear-dunno am I schizo ?

finger painting, cos it makes more sense.

struggling to blend.

borderline conspiracist pretending to be fine;

moving the goal post, hovering above the race line.

who made the chalk? who set the lanes?

I wanna know it all, maybe¿ far past insane.

I can fit all I need in the palm of my hand,

Maybe even less! cut a finger off not sure it’ll even add stress.

hi from personality Peter, even sober- always away with the fairies.

Pass the pixie dust, I’m in a rush

Found shelter in the comfort of pan physicists timer, no not the one on your phone!

Ring ring, skeptical! is it my demon or my mommy on the phone?

I’m stuck in the airspace of an infinite glass filled with beach particles trying to form myself standing up still attempting not to slip through the hands of my very own discovery.

time is running out & ill go when I go.

I’m sitting inside the fly trap -

stardust, chakras can you feel the sensation colors like a starburst.

deep emotion is a curse.

still entrapped in the sand dune of nothingness-

flipping a domino monopoly of solidified thoughts as I sway with the wind.

I’m the trapped sandbox in the playground & the slipping sand in my own hands.

Inhale chronic but I wanna enter the quiet realm of white noise

-color of a wife beater vest, calmer than the ease in ignorance of a red neck.

sadomasochistic, messes.

but oblivion, seems like less stress.

Unfortunately I can see, with all eyes

empathetic paralysis, gets me vexed.

Punching truth into the core of your chest!

It’s not funny, neither is the one on the receiving end..

My limbs are numb

& im done playing octopus alchemy.

I want minimalism & life can be simple,

Evil entities have made it hard.

Maybe I’ve got stars above my head like an old cartoon character.

But I can’t make it make sense, are they out to get me. worse all of us? Or have I bottled myself tryna re mesh the broken shards,

I feel glued to the floor cos there’s a pretty price to pay if you want more.

I see life through a different lense, maybe born downside up, Benjamin button I came out the back door-

Outside looking in, digesting confusion.

Is to be a product of environment a sin?

rummage through my messy brain.

personalities sardine packed in this tin

I’m the wizard of my mania

Scaring & attracting the black crows-

they’re my friends.

Sometimes still a cowardly lion

Roaring pain & true riddles at the wrenching wicked witch posse of the west.

will my voice ever be loud enough to shed light wit my words and grate the sweet zest

In to the cake i’m baking?

Probably not.

Got more thoughts than the autumn leaves collected by the garden rake. alone.

gathering & storing the pains of yesterday.

sometimes I stay in line

Other times in my head Im on my hands juggling out of time.

but I really don’t mind if I lose or win.

we all have a pace

I jus don’t want the 1% to win the race.

It’s unfair!

Humanity does anyone care ??

Half lady

half fairy

Good  MOOrning-

from my anagrams.

no I’m not a cow.

twister fidget spinner brain in the flesh-

form of expression this time around lyrics.

feel I’m jus a silly rubix

& still mourning

I don’t like dairy

pass the oat milk.

Are you aware the industry are sabotaging our diets?

we want peace!

the powerful elite-

perceive & deceive

the scene they want us to be.

chuck the narcissistic psychopathic pie back in our face-

every time we almost found & addressed the Programme & Control man in the maze.

evil & extroverted- he said that the anarchists have to be the cause of riots.

working isn’t class. I said let’s switch roles- he said pass.

It’s piss! Who’s got the bomb & the guns?

Who got the land? off wit OUR heads 4 fun!

it’s pure scary.

Pharmaceutics handshake.

with the cooked up suppliers, also crooked wack liars.

I’d rather shot a gallon of bloody blubbery infused slaughter house milk

If it meant we didn’t use cocoons for silk.

why not add a drizzle of bleach to the concoction & maybe that’s a reach.

every time I guzzle fakeness, it taste peak.

I want real fruit, what next-

a seedless peach ???

what’s the difference between a weirdo & a freak?

layers & levels to the shit.

Magnifying tapping the window of society, I’ll be puffing green til I get to the land of Oz.

sponge soaked soaking up emotions

Suffocated by deduction of care in life

feel entrapped in this paradigm

what am I thinking ?

got the verbs & a cuppa tea

It’s mixed with torment & desire to be free.

I’d rather be awake than asleep

When I get too comfy I feel weak

Demons they reap

underneath

rip the seems as I bleed

Concrete

Solid

Emotions

Is all you’re getting

It’s all sad scenes in the imagery I’m setting

people need care we seem to be forgetting

why are we in debt wit

a posse of clowns

pay the price so we can get a frown

here’s some seratonin

quit ya moaning

life is all sound

aw yeh¿  if you’re not an over thinker!

product of environment- Sirius flickers

theyve done a ritual like it’s Wicca

now here’s your gold sticker..

for managing to co operate.

In this world fuelled off of evil n hate

waking ups a bloody disgrace

I am not amazed.

Man I love my fam n my friends

Just hate this part of my brain that feels the need to play pretend

sometimes I feel insane

but I’m calm

need to escape so I don’t do harm

Gold lioness in the sky by the sea

with puff the magic dragon

fire out my mouth, fuel helps me breathe

I will shine bright

Promise imma be alright

even tho I’m not sure why

I function like this

I wanna be myself

It’s just hard to find the comfortability

To feel happy and pretty

Lay me down on a bed of roses

Ring around sing about overdose emotions

Sorry dunno how to communicate

Heads in a constant debate

Should I go or should I stay

My head clashes

Burnin the next ciggy as my thoughts become ashes.

[hiiraism4]

Gavin : Proposal (3/3)

Fandom : MLQC

Pairing : Gavinxreader, Gavinxyou

[part 2]

[SMUT WARNING]

Gavin walked inside his apartment, lightheaded. He looked around the empty apartment. He sighed, taking off his jacket and backpack, leaving it on the couch in the living room. The painkiller still had effect on him and all he needed was hitting on his bed and enjoy rare off days with peace.

The rescue team found him trapped inside the debris after 4 hours digging. He was lucky that he was trapped with several holes for oxygen and enough space so he wasn’t crushed. He was sure he’d be dead if he wasn’t so lucky. As soon as he was getting treated in the hospital, the doctors was sure what happened to Gavin was a miracle. He wasn’t badly injured, just a few scratch on his back, arms and bruises. It’d disappear within 2-3 weeks. Gavin was known to have an outstanding healing ability, but to survive such explosion, he was more than lucky.

“Must be the determination to propose her.” Eli teased on his hospital bed as Gavin flipped some papers to make reports.

Gavin rolled his eyes. “You just need to get yourself heal quickly, Eli. I don’t plan on doing your part or paperwork forever.” Gavin said.

“Sheesh, Gav, you know not everyone have your healing ability.” Eli huffed, pointing at his broken forearm. The pole did pierced through him and broke his humerus bone. Poor captain had to undergo surgery and hospitalized for at least a week.

“It must be her ability.” Gavin murmured.

“Oh, right. Both you and her survived the freefall from TV tower back then.” Eli shoved his food to his mouth, winced by the taste.

“Anyway, Gavin. Are you sure you don’t need to go home? She must be worried sick.” Eli asked.

Gavin contemplated what Eli said. He shook his head gently. “It’s okay. I already call her that i’m fine and i need to stay for paperwork for a while.”

“You have a week leave from commander, anyway.” Eli added. Gavin nodded in agreement.”I’d better finish this so i don’t need to work while resting at home. I don’t want any work disturb me while i’m on my break.” Gavin exhaled.

Gavin stayed for 2 days more in the hospital, along with Eli, while doing the paperwork on reports he had to submit. Also the doctors demanded him to stay longer to monitor his health. Gavin didn’t mind anyway as long as he wasn’t forbidden to do his work.

Gavin inhaled deeply. Inhaling the sweet cinnamon scent he was so familiar with. He opened the door to his room, finding the girl he dearly loved for years, sleeping peacefully on their bed. You were snoring lightly, slept on your side while hugging his pillow tightly. Gavin’s heart swelled seeing you. He changed his shirt and jeans into something a comfortable shirt and boxer and walked to the bed. He froze when he saw trace dried tears on your cheek and the pillow was still half wet. You were crying before sleep. Gavin took away the pillow from you ever so careful not to wake you. He covered you with the blanket and laid next to you.

Gavin stared at your sleeping face, your swollen eyes. He cupped your face, wiping the dried tears trace on your face. Gavin got a message from Minor, telling that you took several days off starting yesterday, after making sure Gavin was found and saved. He caressed your hair slowly, afraid that he would wake you up.

“Gavin…” you murmured in your sleep, scooting closer to Gavin, burying your face to his chest.

“Don’t go…” you said. Still sleeping.

Gavin felt another pang in his heart. 

“I’m here.” he said softly, kissing your head. “I’m home. I’m not going anywhere.” Gavin put his hand on your back, trapping you on his chest.

Gavin inhaled, smelling his own shampoo on your hair. You had habit of using Gavin’s shampoo everytime he was away from home for days.. That also explains why you were sleeping in his shirt, which was too oversized for you with (luckily for Gavin) a shortpants underneath. Not that Gavin mind, but he always love smelling your strawberry shampoo. Smells sweet, like you.

“I’m sorry it took so long for me to come back.” Gavin whispered. He knew he would repeat on saying the same thing once you were awake.

“But i’m fine. You see, i’m fine. Thank you for lending me your power.” Gavin continued, smiling.

“I love you, really. I always did, always will. Thank you for choosing me.” Gavin felt his face flushed, but he didn’t care at this point.

Gavin exhaled. He wanted to rehearse the same sentence he had been wanting to say. At least you were still asleep.

“Will you marry me?” Gavin asked. 

“I will.” 

Gavin’s sleepiness faded away in an instant. You stirred in his hug, turning your head to meet his face. Gavin’s face flushed to his ears was what you see when you opened your eyes.

“I thought..i thought you were still sleeping.” Gavin was loss of words.

“I did, but when i awoke you asked me will i marry you or not. So i answered.” you said, with such innocence Gavin wished he could just run away from embarrassment..

“D-do you, do you mean it?” Gavin asked again.

You nodded your head. “I do. I wanna be your bride.” you nodded.

“I..i was supposed to propose to you when i picked you up from work the other day, but the mission came up. I said those as a rehearsal, thinking you were still sleeping--” Gavin was cut off by your lips on his.

It was a short kiss. You let go, smiling at Gavin.

“We can do it properly later. At least you’re here. You’re home.” you cupped Gavin’s dumbfounded face. He blinked several times.

This girl is unbelievable.

“I want it to be special.” Gavin muttered his protest. “Like in those romance movies and dramas you watched.”

“I thought you dislike those kind of things?” you couldn’t keep your teasing.

Gavin cleared his throat. “I don’t really like watching those but it’s your favorite so..” Gavin hung his sentence midway, lost at words and lost at how you smiled teasingly at him. There would be no end to you teasing him when you had chance. Gavin exhaled and pulled you close to him, burying you to his chest. “I’m sorry it took so long for me to get back.” Gavin said. “I’m home.” He kissed your forehead.

“Welcome home.” you said, welcoming his kisses on started on your forehead, the tip of your nose, your cheek. You giggled. Gavin stopped his light kisses right in front of your face. He was close, too close. He could feel your breath on his lips. Your face turned shade of red.

Cute.

Gavin closed the distance by taking your lips in his. You closed your eyes, placing your hands on his neck and the back of his hair. Feeling how soft his hair was. Gavin nibbled your lower lips, earning a little gasp from you and just like that he entered your mouth, lapping your tongue, licking it lightly. Gavin shifted and moved on top of you, angling his head so he could kiss you deeper. One of his hand searched for your hand on his neck. He held your little hand tightly in his and put it beside your head, pinning you.

The way you groaned and whimpered when Gavin sucked your tongue made him feel lightheaded while all the blood rushing south and he realized he needed to let go for you to breathe. Gavin pulled away, leaving a string of saliva between you and him, which Gavin quickly licked from your lips. Your breathing heavily, half lidded eyes staring back at him, and flushed face. You raised your other hand to cup his face. Gavin held your hand on his cheek, kissing your palm and fingertips.

“Gavin, how about your wounds?” you asked.

“I’m fine. It’s nothing.” Gavin stared at you, smiling.

You didn’t buy his answer, you furrowed your brows. “You need rest, Gav--” you didn’t finish your sentence when you feel something hard touching your core. You looked at Gavin, he was staring at you, clearly with lust but still trying to restraint the desire. But if you did say the no word, he would gladly stop. It was always like that between you and him. He valued your comfort more than anything.

“...when was the last time we do it?” your sudden question caught Gavin off guard and it was his turn to blushed, right to his ears.

“I..i don’t know? A month? You were busy with the show and always got home tired.” Gavin answered.

“Oh, right.” you remembered you were busy for a whole month and you always went back home too tired to even took off your clothes and Gavin was always there to help you changed your clothes. 

An idea popped in your head. You let go of Gavin’s hand and raised to sit. Gavin took the hint and sit along with you. Once you were both sitting face to face. “Can i be on top of you?” you murmured. Gavin nodded and he laid on the bed while you straddled him. It wasn’t the first time both of you were in this position but it was still embarrassing for you. You laid on top of your boyfriend, claiming his lips once again, which he gladly accepted. His hand found the back of your head and caressed it softly.

When you parted your lips with Gavin, he took the chance to kiss your jaw, down to your neck. You wiggled but his grip was as strong as ever. He kept you in place, trapped in both of his arms as he licked your neck, nibbling on it until he finally bit your neck. You closed your eyes, a moan escaped your lips. Gavin groaned right on your neck and bite it hard. You were sure it’ll leave bruises later on. Gavin licked the place he had bitten and kissed it.

“Are you..okay in this position?” you asked. Gavin nodded on your neck, leaving love marks along your exposed neck.

“You smelled like me.” Gavin murmured. Your face went red, again. “You scent always calms me down so i used your shampoo--ah” you moaned when Gavin’s hands held your hips in place made you feel his arousal.

“You don’t need to do anything, Gavin. I’ll do everything today.” you told Gavin. Didn’t know  where the confident came from. But you were determined to make Gavin feel good. It was always him who worshipped you and always make you feel good, now it was your turn. Gavin wasn’t sure but he finally nodded.

Gavin wasn’t sure if watching the way you took of your (technically, his) shirt was way too sexy or he was really that horny. He gulped hard at the sight of you only with your sport bra and shortpants. You, realizing that Gavin was staring at you, decided not to look at him and fumbling to take off your sport bra. It wasn’t the first time you’ve ever had sex with Gavin, but due to both of your busy schedule, both of you couldn’t do it...regularly like other couples do. If not Gavin busy with his mission, it was your tight schedule with editing and brainstorming some stuffs till late.

You flinched in surprise when you felt Gavin’s fingertips on your waist, tracing the line of your torso to your hips. “Beautiful.” he murmured. You bit the inside of your cheek, flustered. It was your turn, placing your head on his shirt, signaling him to take it off.

Both of you didn’t even care when the clothes were scattered around the room. You’d collected them later anyway. You were sitting face to face to Gavin, both naked. Even if you could clearly see his arousal, your focus was on the fresh wounds on his body. Gavin’s body was what you expected from a SWAT officer who trained regularly, with all the muscle. But he also had wounds, scattered along his body. Your heart swelled. The wounds weren’t that fatal, but it was enough to make you tried to hold back the tears from your eyes. Your fingertips touched one of the wound, looking at Gavin, tried to see if it was hurt. But Gavin was staring back at you.

“You have new wounds again.” you said.

“Well, it can’t be helped.” Gavin said non chalantly. “I’m fine, don’t worry.” he added.

Gavin was about to take your hands away when you kissed near his new wound. He was surprised. “I’m glad you come back.” you said.

It was Gavin’s heart who swelled by your actions. He raised his hand, cupping your cheek, turning you to look at him. When you did, he kissed your lips. “I will always come back to you.” Gavin said. “I won’t leave.” he said again, assuring you. You smiled at him.

You pushed Gavin back to bed slowly and he obeyed. You didn’t waste any time to straddle his hips. Placing your hands painfully slow to your own core, you stared at Gavin. He trained his eyes on you, watching. One finger went in smoothly, you groaned. Gavin tried so hard to not thrust his hips at you. You looked at Gavin, biting your lips trying to stiffled your moan as you took one of Gavin’s hands and you let go of your finger, replacing it with Gavin’s finger instead. Two at once. You instantly parted your lips, moaned.

“...you’re wet.” Gavin commented as he thrust his fingers inside you. You gasped, another moan escape your lips.

Third finger went in and you grinded at his fingers, trying to meet his finger’s thrusting inside you. When Gavin curled his fingers you began to lose yourself to pleasure. But it wasn’t your intention. You wanted Gavin to feel good too. You pulled Gavin’s fingers from your pussy, whimpered at the loss but you still had another work to do. What you didn’t expect was Gavin took his fingers to his mouth, and licked all of your juices in his fingers.

“That’s dirty, you know.” you playfully pinched his cheek.

“It’s...rather taste good.” Gavin grinned. You bite inside of your cheek. “Nothing about you is dirty.” Gavin added.

There Gavin goes, worshipping you.

You held his erection in your hand, smearing the precum on the head. You smiled when you Gavin parted his lips, closing his eyes. His breath hitched. You began to pump his dick, painfully slow. Gavin groaned in frustration. But he didn’t say anything, he just gripped the bed sheet, letting you take lead.

Gavin called your name, pleading. “If you do that slow...i..honestly don’t know how long i can hold on.” he said. “Please--Mmmhh!” Gavin’s sentence cut halfway when he felt something wet enveloped his dick. He threw his head, sinking to the pillow, knowing well that it was your mouth. You smiled as you began to take more of his dick in your mouth.

“Shiiiiiit.” Gavin began to curse and gripping the sheet tightly his knuckles turned white.

You huffed, couldn’t fit his dick anymore in your mouth, you used your hand on the base instead, while licking him inside your mouth, bobbing your head. Gavin groaned. But you didn’t give him blowjob for long, you let go of his dick and began to straddled him again.  You whimpered when you teasingly grind his dick with your dripping wet pussy.

“Wait..” Gavin suddenly said. You looked at him, tilted your head.

“C-condom..” Gavin eyed the nightstand beside you.

“We’re good.” you said, assuring him. “What?” Gavin asked again, didn’t believe his ear.

“I take...pills starting last week so we’re good.” you smiled shyly.

It didn’t take long for you before you grip his dick and lowered yourself, feeling yourself being filled.

Gavin really wanted to just thrust his dick inside you and have his way. The way your inside clenched around him made him lost his mind. It took a while before you finally got all the way in and you moaned by how deep Gavin’s dick filled you to the hilt. You stayed there, trying to catch your breath before you slowly raised your hips and thrusted back at him.

Gavin gripped your thigh and helped you raised your hips. Letting you set the pace as you lowered yourself down at him, grinding him. But Gavin’s self restraint faltered when he heard you moaned his name.

“Ga..vin..” 

Gavin couldn’t take it anymore, he thrusted his hips meeting yours. You placed your hand on his chest, trying to meet his thrust. The way your eyes rolled back, your parted lips right in front of his face, Gavin began to thrust you faster. He raised to sitting position, while still thrusting you. His lips lashed yours as you circled your arms on his neck, pulling him close. The new position made you feel his dick more and you began to lost in the ecstasy but Gavin decided to slowed the pace, made you whimpered.

“Gav..iin..please..more..” you managed to say. You gasped at how Gavin’s dick swelled more. He whispered in your ear. “I’ll give you..everything.”

With that Gavin pounded you faster. You didn’t even care you were moaning mess as he keep on hitting your gspot easily with the new position. “You’re...so good.” you managed to say. Gavin’s restraint was already broken and he pounded at you as fast and hard as he could, making you bounced in his lap. It didn’t take long before you could feel knot in your stomach.

“I’m...i’m close…” you said between your moans.

“Let it out, cum.” Gavin commanded in your ears.

With that you finally let go and cum while Gavin rode your orgasm with painfully strong and fast speed. When you were done you kissed Gavin sloppily, nibbling his lips. Gavin’s thrust became more erratic as you clenched on him as you came. He was close, you could tell. You could hear his moan right to your ear so it was your turn to whisper the trigger to him.

“Gavin...fill me.” 

Gavin released inside you. It took a while before he stopped letting out his seed inside you. He pulled you to him, kissing you sloppily as you could feel his dick went soft inside you. Both of you pulled away. You could feel something wet trickling down your thigh when Gavin pulled out. Gavin already took the tissue box on your nightstand.

“Stood up, i’ll help you clean.” Gavin said but he stopped when he saw his cum trickling down. He gulped at the sight and cleaned your thigh and pussy carefully. He would need to get use to seeing it as he don’t need condom anymore.

~~~~

Both of you had showered and snuggled inside the fresh and new sheet and blanket. Gavin’s painkiller’s drug already lost its effect and now he could feel all of his body felt sore and he wanted to sleep. When Gavin almost drifted to sleep he could hear your soft sob. Gavin cupped your cheek and pulled your head’s up to look at him.

“What’s wrong?” Gavin asked, began to worry. “Why’re you crying?”

You sniffed. Tears coming out from your eyes. “I’m just...glad you come back.” you managed to say between the sobs.

Before Gavin could say anything you opened your mouth to say something. “I..i was scared. I was really scared when you called that night and suddenly i couldn’t hear your voice anymore. I thought you were--” you couldn’t finish your sentence. Gavin pulled you to him, hugging you tight in his arms.

“But i’m back, right? It’s okay. I’m okay.” Gavin assured you.

“But Gavin, what’d i do if something ever happened to you?” you choked a sob.

“You know, before we were together, i thought as long as you’re safe, what happened to me didn’t matter.” Gavin caressed your hair. You could feel soft wind blowed around you, trying to calm you down.

“But you’re here. You choose me. Now i have a reason to come back home alive, because you’re my home. You’re..the only place i turn to.” Gavin said softly. “I’m sorry i always make you anxious waiting for me to come back from mission. But i promise you this.” Gavin hold your hand, entangling it with his.

“I promise that i’ll always come back to you, no matter what, no matter how.” Gavin kissed your teary eyes. “I’m here, i’m home, so please, don’t cry.” Gavin said.

“You promised.” you said to Gavin, staring at him with your puffy tired eyes. “You promised you’d propose to me once again, properly. If you really want to be my husband then you have to stay alive.” you told him. Gavin wiped your tear’s trace on your cheek away. He smiled, nodding his head.

“I will.” Gavin said. 

Gavin stared at your sleeping face as sleepiness began to take him.

You were the one who saved me when i was about to die.

You showed me that world is beautiful, even without you realizing it.

You choose me.

I wouldn’t waste away this life you’ve given to me.

“I love you.” Gavin closed his eyes. “Ever since we were in high school, until now, until we both grow old.”

[meibemeibelline]

part 3 (FINAL) of highlights from that 32k word doc i wrote when i marathoned gazette songs (2012-2018)

PART 1 | PART 2

once again:

This is a combo of thoughts on music, lyrics and other random things I wrote while listening. Not every song will be featured, sorry.

I sometimes directly quote translations and when I do, I’ll specify whose it was. Here are the masterposts of lyrics by Heresiarchy , Defective Tragedy and Trauma Radio

I will write song titles for which there are warnings in bold and all caps

So this part will be a bit different because mental health and The Band became really prominent themes in their music in a way it wasn’t really before, so rather than simply writing about songs as they come, I do (attempt to) connect some dots between songs and albums

Also this is REALLY LONG (~5k words)

If you read any of these posts, thank you <3

CONTENT WARNINGS: murder (In Blossom), reference to abuse (In Blossom), suicide/suicidal thoughts (Kagefumi, Deux/Blemish), reference to PTSD (Incubus). Overall LOTS of discussions about mental health.

buckle up folks it’s gonna be a long one

So I listened to Division according to the limited edition version where the songs got split into the ‘story-like songs’ and the ‘hype songs’. Just while we’re on that, I like to think that Vein is the story part because these songs (the blood) are meant to go TO our hearts, while Artery, which is the ‘raw emotion’, is the heart doing the talking and supplying the oxygen that will do its thing. LIKE HEADBANGING.

“Ibitsu is not the first song they’ve written about changes in the music industry, but it’s quite different from others like 13Stairs[-]1 and Dim Scene. They were quite angry about the state of things, lamenting it. But here, Ruki is writing his and the band’s place in all of that. It’s like in the other two songs he’s like, “wow look at all this rubble. This sucks.” But in Ibitsu he’s writing about how he’s also in that rubble and thinks about what HE feels about it in relation to himself and the GazettE. And I find that quite interesting. Also hell YES imagery – skies as ideals, the world around them collapsing into ruin, the band as a flower amidst the rubble that can’t reach the sky. It sounds like he’s trying to navigate how he’s supposed to move forward when his ideals and what’s happening in the industry oppose each other quite a lot. He doesn’t reach an answer in this song and ends by asking whether it is actually in ruins or whether he’s just afraid of change, I think.” - interestingly, he uses this same imagery in Kuroku Sunda Sora to Zangai to Katahane to write about anxiety and not feeling good enough.

Quick disclaimer on KAGEFUMI: I do want to say first that I’m talking about this purely as a piece of art. Not as in, like, “this is peak romance”, but just as an artwork I can have Opinions™ about, even if they’re possibly in disagreement with that of the creator. “The shadow tag metaphor for a couple committing double suicide meaning that they’re ‘becoming one’ and being together in death is A Lot. There’s an incredibly strong belief in an afterlife where they can be together makes (what Ruki describes) this stronger bond between them that literally lasts or even transcends the boundaries between life and death, rather than a tragic end (unlike Tokyo Shinjuu). Musically, I love this song and think it’s gorgeous, the way it’s sad yet hopeful. We over here with that bittersweet stuff again but lyrically it’s a WILDLY different route than others before it.”

“Yoin is such a heavy end to disc 1. The ending lines, “The sea of loss / Understanding of helplessness / That day we grieved” about the Tohoku earthquake/tsunami and the nuclear disaster is just so ……. And not only that, but how even though people still struggle to survive, people are moving on like it’s a thing of the past. It’s SO heavy.” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

“I think [Derangement] is about a massive internal struggle between wanting longing for the past, knowing it won’t come back, but also wanting to destroy the past out of self-hatred. There are aspects of the past, perhaps ambition and drive for example, that are good, but other parts that are not. It’s almost like a continuation of Remember the Urge but like…angrier and with more hatred towards his own past rather than only the longing of it. Which is also really interesting.” – this is definitely one of the themes that comes up A LOT from now, ESPECIALLY in Ninth. We’ll get to that.

“IS KAI GOOD??? That man is NOT human. I swear to god his drums in Required Malfunction are INSANE. ANYWAY, this song is about how people cannot be perfect and we all have flaws, especially in the context of relationships. I like that even though people argue and butt heads sometimes, there’s that Japanese verse where he sings “Let’s send a song without stains / to that innocence without lies / so you can swallow those wounds” and the last lines “Because you are always here, I can advance” to mean like…them being together can ultimately make them better and it can be a good relationship (if they work on it, imo). Also, I love the language he uses here – viruses and malfunctions and inputs – a very non-human way to write about human relationships.” (Cr: Trauma Radio)

(Dripping Insanity) “Solitude drenched in red laughs / in the insanity dripping in silence” is SUCH a good line yes hello I appreciate this. (Cr: Heresiarchy)

“EYYY HAVEN’T HEARD FORBIDDEN BEAVER IN FOREVER. At first I was wondering if this might be judgmental but honestly? I think this is satirical, especially from the line “May the truth you spew on taboos going frantically around / Shred the rhythm of high society”. Like the fact they’re gossiping about a famous woman who has a lot of sex and just TARNISHING her name bc of it, to Ruki, is a load of bullshit. Also, some of the lyrics in the chorus are funny coming from Ruki – “She has a sex addiction / Bang! Bang! / Cute luv machine” – like he does NOT ever write like this and this song is just a huge satirical joke I’m YELLING.” (Cr: Heresiarchy)

“The transition from Malformed Box to Inside Beast >>>>”

“[Inside Beast] is definitely about having a ‘beast’ inside you that’s like all your demons and ugly feelings and to let them all out. He wrote about demons in Derangement, but the way he writes about acceptance is like…empowering and freeing. Not necessarily through words but through the music and just how hard this song slaps.”

“I really love the lyrics of [Until it Burns Out] and its whole thing about valuing the time they have as a band and to be together making music precisely because it’s going to end someday, and it’s going to be their last shot at living their dreams, which is to make music and perform TOGETHER as the GazettE. Like that’s so meaningful, and powerful in the way they just…grab it by the fucking throat. Breaking down the walls that hold them back, TOGETHER, towards the future in which they see their dreams. Like they’re not letting this be the end. They won’t allow it. UGH. UGHHH. The middle eight is so beautiful and I love the lines “The light that colours this irreplaceable scenery / burns the significance of standing here into me / Until the last” like they just love performing SO MUCH UGGGHHH FEELINGS”. (Cr: Trauma Radio)

“[REDO] IS SO GODDAMN SENTIMENTAL I’M IN MY FEELINGSSSSS. Kai being the composer, I can’t help but feel this is him paying homage to jazz, which is the music his mother plays and he loves her so so much. I’m probably reaching but THAT’S JUST HOW I FEEL.”

“EVERBODY SHUT UPPPP IT’S LAST HEAVEN TIMEEEE. It’s so gd gorgeous and sweet. I’M GETTING REALLY EMO WHAT THE FUCKKKK. BRUH. BRUUUUHHH. THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL //THROWS. SHUT UPPPP. TOO MANY SKY, STAR AND FOREVER REFERENCES FOR THIS TO BE OKAY BITCH. This is Ruki’s love song to the cosmos, wishing to be eternal like the stars but acknowledging that all he can do is chase it knowing his life will end, BUT THAT THEY DON’T HAVE TO GRIEVE BECAUSE THEY WILL MEET AGAIN IN THE AFTERLIFE BECAUSE IN SOME WAY WE /ARE/ ETERNAL. IT’S LOVING AND INNOCENT AND WISTFUL. This song is the goddess to all the GazettE love songs. THANKS FOR COMING TO MY TED TALK. “The distant sky, this infinite moment / I now wish from the visible stars / in this youthful merry-go-round / that continues to turn endlessly / I want to be eternal like you” – is just…such a beautiful image. “Let’s stay like this, having dreams we cannot reach / Long road which leads to the calm hill / I go, leaving my sadness behind / Good night…my beloved / Last heaven of mine” – it’s yearning but it’s the yearning for LIFE. And to leave behind sadness…Ruki very rarely writes about pain like this. And to call the ‘beloved’ his last heaven, the last thing in his life that’s just THE BEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED TO HIM AND THE THING HE WANTS TO BE ETERNAL WITH goodbye………GOODBYE. “Love without shape changing day by day / Close together / we become / one shooting star” – AAAHHH AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH. Also, for him to say ‘memento mori’ which means “Remember, you must die” in the middle eight of a song about wanting to be eternal just gives the entire sentiment a new meaning ;-;” (Cr: Trauma Radio)

“There’s a particular sound to Division and Beautiful Deformity (but more in BD). It sounds like rushing water. Loss in particular sounds like this. Like, the sound isn’t just ‘dark’ and ‘heavy’, it moves A LOT and there is sooo much emotionality in the songs on this album. It’s really dynamic.”

“The Stupid Tiny Insect revisits the theme of inner demons. Specifically, in this song it sounds like negative internal self-talk. It’s interesting though, the way that Ruki writes it as an entirely separate being to how he writes inner demons and whatnot in other songs, where it’s either another entity within a person that is part of them OR just…themselves. Here, they are VERY separate, and that probably allows him to feel and express rage instead of helplessness or confusion. I also love the reference to pretending to be okay – “I get high on delusion / And act as if I made them die out / ‘Just like a summer moth to a flame”.” (Cr: Heresiarchy)

“IN BLOSSOM is pretty fucking brilliant lyrically imo. It reminds me a lot of 32 Koukei no Pistol in that a protagonist who was abused/neglected by the parents kills them, and in the latter’s case only, also themselves. Some other differences: In Blossom is WAY angrier (and a lot more loaded) and the protagonist is trying to ‘make their own life’ (even if the way they choose to do that DOESN’T WORK), whereas the narrator in 32 Calibre Pistol was mostly lamenting that they’ve ‘lost their way’ and deep-down were wishing for their family to be happy together. I can’t say WHY that is. But it’s interesting that in In Blossom, the abuse just…DESTROYED their concept of family that they used to believe in entirely, and the fact they cannot separate themselves from their abusers neither by dying nor killing them is A Lot. So, they try to free themselves and ‘get hope’ by killing their abusers as revenge (“Die away, along with these wounds I’d counted”), but it doesn’t bring them happiness or heal them (“Even if I slash so much it’s unparalleled by the wounds I’d counted, it still starts to ache / It doesn’t even fight off the decay, much less heal me”). It’s very much saying that despite pain, revenge is not the answer. I also love the line “They adorn vividly – have blossomed beautifully / The sun that has started to set makes sure of it” to describe the wounds as the narrator kills their abusers and their loss of sanity as they do so.” (Cr: Heresiarchy)

“To Dazzling Darkness is about that moment when a concert is over and the lights start to come on. It’s so gorgeous. This is sort of like, the other side of Until it Burns Out. If UIBO is about the band then TDD is about the fans, and the band’s place in the world. I love the imagery in the first verse – darkness is usually associated with bad things, but here darkness is peace, escapism and unity that are part of the happiness of a concert, while the light symbolises the continuation of life. The scenery here is the same scenery in UIBO, which is the scenery of a concert that this band cherishes. There’s also the acknowledgement that time is fleeting and nothing is forever. Like, this is really the other side of the coin and I love it.”

“Dogma defines their new (2015) sound so well, which is HEAVY AND DIRTY AS FUCK. Like, it is SO conceptual and experimental and the painting is just GORGEOUS. I love the harpsichord in this song – as the predecessor of the piano, it was used in a lot of churches and religious music in the Baroque period (1600-1750ish), so using it here in a song where the band is likened to idols (the religious type) is super cool. And to combine it with these really low and heavy guitars just gives the DARKEST image.

And there’s so much going on in the lyrics – MANY MOTIFS, MANY MEANINGS. They bring back the concept of darkness as a symbol for escape from harsh life and of unity during concerts. As for death, Reita has an iconic quote where he said something along the lines of: “we often say in lives ‘to die’, but what we actually mean is to live. Live and be free”. I see death for GazettE as a kind of transformation – and end, yet also a beginning to become something or someone new.

Ruki hasn’t really mentioned god since Ogre in Dim, in which he basically wrote “idk if God exists but I don’t really care – all I need is me”. But here he likens the band to an idol of worship. We as the fans worship the GazettE, and they are also gods to us, their followers, in the sense that they provide us with life and unity (referred to here as death and darkness, respectively). The GazettE as a band brings darkness and death to the world (with their own meanings, of course).

This is also a song about the band breaking away from current gods and dogmas of the music industry, and from its greed. I also love the line, “The rite I must face is cloaked in darkness and isolation” – this process of their journey to finding their truth is lonely, and no one but them can do it for themselves. To do so also isolates them from everything they once knew. It’s them navigating what is expected of them by the masses and those they work with vs doing what they want without getting shunned for it.” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

 “DAWN IS ABOUT REDISCOVERING THEMSELVES. I love the number of metaphors he brings back in this song – 13 stairs, death, merry-go-rounds and again dogma. Death here is about the transformation of them as a band, which occurs at the top of the 13 stairs to the gallows. And I find that so interesting because he uses the image of gallows (eg: 13 Stairs[-]1 and Forbidden Beaver) as like…an actual Death that means the end of a genre or a person’s reputation, but here it’s a place of transformation. In Last Heaven, the merry-go-round is a symbol of life – it comes back here but this time it’s red instead of blue (youthful) and is paired with the image of a mad banquet with emotions running wild (ie concerts). Basically, this is about the band’s life and, like, their life being about concerts. My favourite part is “Overcoming a period of confusion, I took those stirring emotions / And hung them up high on the 13 stairs” because there’s also the line “I’ve already had a lethal dose of misfortune / The ruined gallows towers above me” -> WE WENT THROUGH SOME SHIT BUT WE FOUND OURSELVES AND SURPRISE BITCH, BET YOU THOUGHT YOU’D SEEN THE LAST OF ME.” (Cr1: Heresiarchy, Cr2: Defective Tragedy)

Not from my notes directly but I feel like the difference between Bizarre to Juuyonsai no Knife (ie the only two songs about Real juvenile criminals) is a REALLY good representation of how Ruki’s lyrics have changed over the years. He went from taking perspectives of people who perpetrators of violence (to write horror stories, imo, but also to generally Explore their minds through art) to making comments about society and how systems affect people in real life. Not to say he doesn’t write about killers anymore or that social commentary is NEW for him, but just…a big change in what’s PROMINENT.

“Interesting that Wasteland is next, which is about Justice on the Internet. I know Ruki has always been really critical of the internet and the kind of social processes that occur online (see: Nakigahara) and here it’s about morality and justice, but more importantly the way it’s about crowd mindsets and CONTROL. And he just summarises it SO WELL in the first verse: “The thousand eyes that can kill even God / Transform into rebels that lust for control / If the time comes when right and wrong disappear / It will all end with a blood-red moon”. There’s also the line “Innocence gives way to sinful judgment” ie the innocent go along with their ways or it’s the innocent (the weak, as he says later) that are scrutinised. And I think about this a lot considering…some other fandoms I’m in >.>” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(INCUBUS) “The song is a lot of wondering what they did to deserve their trauma and how they want the dreams/nightmares to go away. I do like that at the end of the song they come to the conclusion that they cannot change what happened and decide “fuck the why”, accepting they didn’t deserve it. Even though the narrator is still stuck in the maze (of trauma), the letting go of asking why it happened is like, a really important step in healing. Because it’s the end of self-blame. So, I hope narrator can heal :( “

(DEUX) “My dumbass never realised this but the music of Deux itself has DUALITY. Metal with solo piano. IT REALLY TOOK ME FIVE YEARS TO REALISE THAT HUH. It’s about two conflicting selves (which to me sound more like intrusive thoughts, considering Blemish’s VERY LOUD “These days I’m better dead”) and the effect that has on like, your emotionality and how it leads to loneliness. His use of nightmares in this song is fascinating – the Japanese word he uses (sakayume) is like…a reverse dream, like if a child has a nightmare you tell them it’s a sakayume so it means what happened in their dream definitely won’t happen AND something good will happen instead. And this is something Ruki prays for.”

(Ominous) “The imagery is really dark in this – “A prayer crushed under wreckage / Reflects in your eyes as you start to fly / I see you in the sky thick with shadows / Spinning around with nightmares” – there’s a desperate attempt to fly and get better and do Well but still they’re surrounded by darkness and nightmares, unable to escape. “Don’t forget that a heart cannot die / Don’t forget that dreams aren’t predictions of the future” –There’s hopefulness in a heart not dying yet a very strong despair when he says dreams don’t predict the future, not even reverse dreams. “It steals away my still-unformed future, and whenever I step forth / I can’t see a thing in that shadowed sky / My screaming can’t save anything / when I’m killing myself with sadness” – oh that hurts, that hurts A LOT. He wants to fly but he can’t. This is just SO MUCH. And they didn’t even have an instrumental outro, IT JUST ENDS WITH ACCEPTANCE OF HOPELESSNESS AND DEPRESSION.” (Cr: Heresiarchy)

“The drums in Goddess uggghhh UGGGHHH. AND THE GUITAR TOOOOOO. Lyrically, this is really a mid-point between depression and healing. It’s A Lot. He writes about his suffering, wanting to make something of his mistakes and his sins and actually WANTING TO LIVE. But it’s so sad that in the end he still feels really helpless – the subtle changes between “I want to become the stars that fill the silence” vs “I can’t become the stars that fill the silence”. But I think that on some level he knows what the next step is. He wishes in the last two lines, “If only I could share my grief that can’t be put to words / If only I could face reality and live accepting my crippling despair”. THAT’S THE FIRST STEP!!!! THAT’S A STEP!!!! TO HEALING!!!! “These bleak thoughts are my sacrifice that will one day begin to thaw into a selfless, smiling heart” – this line is fucking LOADED. Like, he sacrifices his bleak thoughts by expressing them and by making art out of his pain in hopes that he will be able to acknowledge and accept his suffering and his pain as a means to heal, as a way of allowing him to have a selfless and smiling heart. Like, this is SO much of what his art is about and what it has been for SUCH a long time it makes me so emotional that this is what he’s saying about his own lyrics.” I realise too that the goddess is likely the same goddess from Blemish. I’m still unsure what to make of it because Blemish ends in Ruki writing he doesn’t wants to be reborn, and not abandoned. But here he ends with wanting to heal. Wanting to move on and live.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO UNDYING.

“WHEN HE BROUGHT BACK “SLEEP, COUNT ME DOWN AGAIN” >>> God, this song is so powerful. THERE ARE SO MANY CALL-BACKS TO DOGMA. I SHOULD’VE KNOWN THIS BUT STILL. BITCH WHAT THE FUCK. It’s a direct continuation of Ominous (“I won’t arise from this”). I think in this song he’s becoming that figure that is flying in Ominous, and the one that is surrounded by nightmares and shadows – the first verses are about how the future is drenched in misfortune yet we must continue to live (and suffer, but WE CAN AT LEAST BE A BIT HOPEFUL). Ruki says this YET HE IS STILL DREAMING, EVEN AS THE END COMES (“My heart starts to disappear along with the spirit of my words / And though it knew the end was near / It dreamt of things it shouldn’t want / And even now I am still—“). There’s also his mentions of sins again that he continues to drown in :( But overall, this song is really about living despite all the pain, which is really meaningful after Dogma ended on such a note of hopelessness. There’s so much power in this song.” (Cr: Heresiarchy)

“Vacant doesn’t necessarily sound like a romantic relationship breaking down as much as it is about making a mistake and being unable to fix it between you and someone else (or other people), even if Ruki said he wrote it with a band’s image in mind. But the gist is is that there is yet again a struggle within the self (“Self-condemnation distorts the answer / And I lose sight of what I should be / Because of those unconscious actions / I can’t even dream”). The line “In the pain of not being able to tie back the undone thread / The traces left by stopping time keep piling up” really got to me – being stuck in time and constantly wishing for something that was and being hurt by the fact it’s gone is something I personally relate to. But even as the narrator is stuck in time, their grip on the past is loosening – they are forgetting, memories fade, and they lose their strength (“Vacant, you are withering”).” (Cr: Heresiarchy)

(Faling) ““Together, embracing the same pain: it’s only temporary / Don’t forget that this is not the end / So come on, let’s open our eyes and fall / We just believe in ourselves to die / Sometimes it’s okay to be broken” THIS MEANS SO FUCKING MUCH AFTER THE AMOUNT OF TIMES RUKI ENDED DOGMA SONGS WITH HOPELESSNESS AND AT BEST “WE HAVE TO KEEP LIVING AND SUFFERING AND BEING IN PAIN” BUT IN FALLING, PAIN IS TEMPORARY. PAIN IS TEMPORARY. WE WILL HEAL, BITCH. WE WILL GET BETTER, BITCH.” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

Can’t find my notes bc it’s somewhere else in my Tumblr drafts but basically: I consider Mortal, Utsusemi and Sono Kore wa Moroku like a Depression Trilogy™ in Ninth. Mortal is about depression, loneliness and loss but like, tying it to a singular person or event in which the narrator felt grief. Utsusemi is about loneliness and depression as well, AND RUKI USES THE CICADA SHELL METAPHOR, WHICH IS THE SAME AS CRUCIFY SORROW (ALSO ABOUT DEPRESSION, BUT SOMEONE ELSE’S). But then, Sono Koe wa Moroku is THE turning point and where he first mentions (in this album) and actual DESIRE to heal and like, ON HIS OWN. IT’S ABOUT BEING STRONG FOR HIMSELF AND THAT MAKES ME SO EMOTIONAL. And as I mentioned before, Falling also ends on a hopeful note about sadness not lasting forever – it’s like he’s prefacing the album with the fact sadness IS temporary and that there IS a turning point.

“Babylon’s Taboo is interesting…so apparently Babylon is a figure of western imperialism and capitalism in the Rastafari movement (an afro-centric anti-capitalist and anti-imperialist movement from Jamaica). The narrator is COMPLETELY aware of the oppression and injustice that goes on around him but confesses to doing nothing. I interpreted this as complacency to violence, which Ruki has written about before. Also, he describes a starry sky (which I presume represents wealth and happiness) as a lie, and that they are actually black eyes that watch and look down upon you. In the context of anti-capitalism, my interpretation is that the ‘guaranteed fate’ he writes about is the life-long struggle to attain wealth and happiness – we are doomed to dedicate our lives to this, futilely, to no end. and there’s nothing we can do about it. Another line that stood out to me most is “all I need is sanity but uncertainty will do”. this, along with the rest of the song, implies that the narrator is PRETTY DAMN SURE that we’re all fucked so like....HAHA COOL.” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Two of a Kind) Okay so…another motif I noticed in this album is an I and a You. And I know this sounds weird considering almost EVERY SINGLE GAZETTE SONG uses first and second pronouns, but mental health is SUCH a prominent, overarching theme in a way no album concept has been before, hence why I’m saying this. Two of a Kind is really solidifying this for me, but they appear in almost every song (but the You is known as ‘she’ in The Mortal). This pair are connected in an extremely emotionally intimate way. For one, they share pain and understand each other’s pain. Secondly, the narrator falls into depression after they’re gone. A part of me thinks it could be a past self and a current self, considering Ruki’s said this album involved the Most introspection from him and Falling writes about sins and past mistakes again. So, it could be a way of separating a past and current self – a past self that was perhaps lost, and made mistakes, but ultimately creates his current self.

But it could also be another person, as this You figure is also a source of light – someone Ruki shares his wounds with, in Two of a Kind. If it’s another person, it may also make sense that the depression and loneliness written about in The Mortal and Utsusemi is triggered by someone extremely close leaving him. Either way, it is this understanding and connection between the I and the You that also bring hope for the future and I REALLY love the way that hope is conveyed in the chorus of Two of a Kind. There’s so much light in it compared to the parts of the song where ruki calls himself filthy and ugly, and when he writes about negative feelings that never go away and bleed into this other person. but i think this other person understands it, and that’s why he can move on.

“Abhor God is a REALLY dark and heavy take on MOVING FORWARD. Like there’s so much rage in the way he writes about killing his lust, pride and anxiety and stringing up his nightmares in a noose, yet so much power in how he moves forward and sings victory with his music and his art. This is likely connected to Ninth Odd Smell and Uragiru Bero - where he writes about the band’s history and his imposter syndrome as an artist despite the band never going to die just because of that. He contrasts ‘too fast to live’ and ‘too young to die’ like, he’s really in a sort of purgatory where he’s constantly making too many mistakes to be happy but has too much to do for him to give up. So it’s here that he chooses to keep going no matter how weak the beat is. Imagery-wise this feels like.....continuing to live not because you have happiness to look forward to but just out of sheer willpower. Like it’s just so angry. Angry at the world, at yourself, but carrying that anger to try to be better and move forward.”

“And Unfinished is about the fans being his reasons to live and IT MAKES ME VERY EMOTIONAL THAT THIS IS HOW THE ALBUM ENDS!!!!!!! WITH HOPE!!!!! AND MOVING FORWARD!!!!! THEY LITERALLY ENDED THEIR ALBUM THAT’S ABOUT THEM ‘MAKING THEIR MARK ON THEIR WORLD’ WITH LIGHT AND HOPE AFTER LIKE TWO STRAIGHT ALBUMS OF /DEPRESSION/. EVERYBODY GO HOME WE LOVE HEALING IN THIS HOUSE.”

AND THAT’S THE END FOLKS!!!! if you made it here thank you so much for reading my ramblings and i appreciate u so so much <3 i hope you learned something new about the gazette’s music (i sure did - it’s why i went on this marathon in the first place!!) and again i have a list of posts i might write (which will definitely be shorter than these) so! yeah! anyway!! it’s past 11pm and i have no more brain cells. thanks again love ya have a good day/night <3 <3

[olietus]

Humans are space orcs - Paradise

More Devin and Zolt'chk. This is a bit of a long one, and since I'm on mobile I can't add a "read more" atm. Sorry! This is mostly to practice on world building and description, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.

As always, any advice, constructive criticism and writing prompts/suggestions are more than welcome! (:

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It had been a little over three days since Zolt'chk had been kidnapped by the human called Devin. At first he had been terrified of her, and while he was still extremely wary of her, the fear had slowly started to be replaced by confusion and frustration. Since their departure had been rather tumultuous, they hadn't been able to procure any rations, and there was nothing to drink either. This meant that the human grew increasingly "hangry", in her own words, which apparently meant that she was so hungry that she got increasingly furious. Zolt wasn't entirely sure how that worked, but it wasn't all too surprising since humans were a very violent predator species, after all. Secretly he had hoped that she'd starve to death (as her incessant complaining was getting rather old), but apparently humans were able to stay alive for quite a long time without food. Not so much without water, though, and due to dehydration the human had now suffered from a rather severe headache and disorientation for the past day. Still, she remained in her seat in the cockpit, furiously searching for the nearest port. Due to the risk of them being caught if they landed in more commercial ports, they'd already passed a couple of stations and planets, and each time they did, Devin got more and more desperate.

Zolt had decided to not bother her, as he really didn't want to end up being eaten. Instead he'd made himself a bit of a nest in the back of the little ship, using a couple of space suits and oxygen tubes to make it soft and cozy; the vessel wasn't equipped with any proper sleeping quarters, as it was only meant for short transport and maintenence runs.  He'd been trying to finally get some sleep, as the first 30-something hours had been nerve wracking and had rendered him unable to relax at all. Exhaustion had started to get the better of him now, though, and as he curled up in his nest he was already falling asleep.

He was abruptly woken up by a loud rumble and a tremble that went through the ship, and he raised his head to look around in confusion. The ship creaked again and then, with a final loud 'thunk', the ship went still and quiet. Had they landed? The big arachi stubled to his feet, but instantly fell back down as a raging roar reached him, and Devin shot out from the cockpit, rushing past him to unlock the doors. She pressed the airlock button at least six times, clearly incredibly impatient. Zolt slowly moved over towards her, cowering slightly.

"Where are we?", he asked cautiously, just as the airlock hissed and allowed them through.

"Arbor V.", she replied shortly.

Zolt turned to look at her. Her face was stern and she was biting her lip. He didn't know what that behaviour meant in itself, but it was clear that she felt tense. As she should. Arbor V was an infamous miniature planet where crime ran rampant and almost half the planet was under martial law. The rest was ruled by several different warlords and clans that constantly warred with each other over land and resources. Most of the planet's natural resources consisted of precious minerals and forests. Arbor V was, despite everything, a very beautiful planet in its own right. Its skies were a beautiful, warm tone of pink and lilac during the days, which then shifted into a velvety emerald green towards the evening, before the night sky grew black and dotted with trillions of bright stars. During the day the two brilliant twin suns shone brightly above, leaving the surface at a comfortable, balmy temperature. During the night the planet's neighbour became visible; the big red planet Kocari, that even though it was remote, took up a large portion of the night sky. The soil on Arbor V was as red as the planet above, its cliffs and rocks white as chalk, and the vast forests were a mix of stunning, brilliant purples and blues. During night the forests and its creatures turned bright with bioluminescence, and small flying insects set the night ablaze with their intricate lightshows. If one didn't know the truth about this planet, it would surely be named a paradise.

As the two aliens stepped out of the little ship, they looked around and found themselves in a rather elegant-looking port, filled with ships from many different planets, creeds and classifications. Devin could spot a human military ship a few rows down, but business around it seemed to go on as normal. The general agreement on Arbor V was that as long as outsiders didn't mess with the powers that be and they didn't stay longer than necessary, they'd be left alone. It was a rather remote area in civilized space, so those outsiders who came here usually did so out of outmost need, not will, and would thus agree to these terms. Much like Devin herself. She needed food, money and a new ship. She could probably acquire all of them here, though with rather varying difficulty.

As they walked down the ramp they were met by a small bat-like creature with large floppy ears, short reddish fur and six appendages; two arms, four legs. It had a short fluffy tail, and wore the dark green uniform that adorned all space port personnel. She was flanked by two massive guards with long, triple jointed arms and short, sturdy legs. Their singular eyes were trained on the newcomers, and each of them carried a massive rifle. Their red uniforms signaled military. The bat raised one of her clawed hands and motioned towards the two newcomers to approach. They did so without questioning it, and the litte port master stared up at them with her three beady eyes. In her other hand she held a tablet.

"Please state your name, species, sex, allegiance and the purpose of your visit."

The human sighed and crossed her arms as she was impatient to get going, but complied.

"Devin, human, female, no allegiance, and we're just here to stock up on rations, fuel and to upgrade our vehicle."

It was quiet for a moment as the Arborian filled in the information, and then she looked over at Zolt. He stared back for a second, before he realized that it was his turn. The two soldiers tightened their grip on their weapons.

"Oh, uh... Yes, Zolt'chk, arachi, male, uh...", he paused and looked over at his human captor. He had no idea what to respond to the allegiance part. The human raised her eyebrows at him and gave a weird jerk with her head. He had no idea what she was trying to say.

"Yes?", came the slightly annoyed prod from the port master.

"... Uh, no allegiance, and my reasons are the same.", he hurried to reply. In all honesty he would've loved to tell the Arborian the truth, but first of all he was scared that if he did, Devin would twist his head off, and secondly that the Arborians themselves would kidnap and sell him. An already kidnapped person was nothing more than a basic ware like any other on this planet.

The little creature in green uniform jotted down the last of the information, and then scanned the ship's code, giving it a slight look of surprise and then looked up at the two aliens in front of her.

"This ship was reported stolen a few days ago. Says here it belongs to the Delta Cluster trade coalition." She squinted a them. Her henchmen shuffled behind her, glaring at the two outsiders.

"As I said, we're here to upgrade our vehicle.", Devin repeated. Zolt was stunned at the fact that she didn't try to hide that she stole it. He'd heard that humans could be rather illogical, but this was straight up moronic. Still, the bat-like creature blinked at them and then nodded.

"Very well. Will you be altering, selling, dismantling or destroying it, then? We are willing to take care of the procedures needed to have it travel safe again, for a price of course."

"Selling."

"Ah, very well. Will you sell it as-is, or will you pay for the procedures required to sell it at full price, ready-to-use?"

"As it is, thank you."

"I see. Lovely. We will add it to our digital stock at a price equal to its current market value, and once it's sold the earnings will be forwarded to your credits account. 20% of the profits will go to us as a middle hand and handling fee. Please sign and enter your account ID here.", she said and held out her tablet towards Devin, who added her info without question. Zolt started to say something, but Devin gave him an annoyed shove with her foot, and he went quiet again. The port master looked approvingly at Devin's signature and gave them a short nod.

"Thank you very much for your service, and welcome to Arbor V."

The second the little port master and her menacing entourage left them Devin was off half-running towards the nearest exit. Zolt, who didn't know what else to do, followed her. She'd just sold off their ship, effectively stranding them on this hellhole of a planet, and he had no idea how to get back home on his own from here. He felt a cold knot of dread form in his abdomen, and he did his best to stay close to the human.

Devin didn't look back even for a second. Her stomach was growling loudly, startling people as she walked past them. Humans were rare out here, or at least civilian ones, and Devin wore no indicators of being part of any militia. People stared at her rather shamelessly, but she didn't care. She just blindly followed her nose and stumbled towards the sweet scent of food, and as soon as the first small food stall came into view she sprinted straight up to it. The owner of the stall looked perplexed at the sight of her, though he didn't show any of the fear that was the more common reaction to seeing humans. Instead, he handed the red-haired girl a menu with one of his many six-digit hands. She was already in the middle of her order when Zolt caught up with her. She turned around and grinned widely at him.

"Do you want something? My treat!", she said cheerily and pushed the menu into the arachi's talons. The insectoid hesitated but then read through the list of courses, and rather quickly settled on one that would agree with his digestive system. Thankfully most food establishments, big or small, carried options for all the most common digestive systems. Amazingly enough, humans could eat almost anything from any option, but what else could one expect from a creature that literally had a vat of acid as a part of its digestive system.

Once their orders were placed, they moved a bit to the side to wait for their food to be ready. They stood quietly next to each other, Devin swaying slightly from side to side, eventually opting on leaning against Zolt, who stiffened at the contact. She was as warm as always, and he wasn't sure if it was pleasant or uncomfortable. Mostly it just felt weird. He wondered if it was truly comfortable to have such a high body temperature.

"I'm sorry."

He looked down at her, confused.

"What?", he asked, trying to read her expression, but she was looking away from him. She sighed.

"I already apologized once, but I don't feel like it's enough. It was terrible of me to drag you with me the way I did."

Zolt was quiet. The human's voice was steady but low, and there was a certain hesitant quality to it that he hadn't heard earlier. Somehow, despite her not crying, it made him think back on the first time he'd seen her. Despite his better judgement he once again pitied her. Still, he said nothing. He knew that she spoke the truth. If her plan had truly been to kidnap him, she wouldn't have left him unbound, she wouldn't have tried to be nice to him, and she would have definitely made an effort to restrain him before they landed if she'd wished to sell him into slavery. But he couldn't quite trust her. She was human, she was unpredictable, and she was dangerous.

When he didn't respond, Devin spoke again.

"I realize that I've put you in a very scary and unfamiliar situation, but once I have my own ship that's safe to travel with, I'll drop you off at whichever planet or station that you want. You have my word, Zolt'chk."

Before he could answer, their order was called out and they went to collect it. They sat down at a bench a short distance away from the busy street and quietly ate their food. It felt incredibly awkward.

Then he broke the silence.

"Thank you."

***

Devin felt terrible. She was indebted to the poor arachi next to her, but instead of repaying his kindness she'd probably ended up scarring him for life. He had barely said a word to her in the past few days, and she could tell that he tensed up every time she got close to him. She hadn't planned on abducting him. In all honesty it hadn't been on her mind even as she'd dragged him into the ship. It wasn't really until after her adrenaline settled down that she had truly realized what she'd done... And now she had no idea how to make it right. She hoped to at least be able to make him less wary of her, if not for her own sake then for his. She had no idea how to do that, though, and she was too hungry and dehydrated to think of a proper solution at the moment.

She ate her food rather quickly, feeling absolutely famished. Her first drink was already consumed, and she greedily started to chug down her second one. She was in the middle of this when Zolt'chk finally spoke.

"Thank you."

She nearly spat out her drink. Somehow, that was the very last thing she'd expected him to say. She looked at him a bit bewildered.

"For the food, I mean.", Zolt continued. The human deflated slightly, feeling a bit disappointed, but swiftly reminded herself that this was an entirely positive thing and gave him a soft smile.

"My pleasure.", she said. Zolt'chk hesitated for a moment.

"Could I possibly have seconds?", he asked sheepishly. Devin's smile widened and she let out a chuckle.

"Of course."

[thatfairyfangirl]

Part Of That World Chapter 13

Bucky sat staring at the platter of sushi and sashimi between you both. “So you just eat it raw?” He asked looking up to you with puppy dog eyes. “And that's safe?”

“From somewhere like here, yes,” you paused as you took one and popped it into your mouth, “from your local gas station, not so much.” He could feel his stomach turning as he watched you eat. 

“Man, call me old fashioned but I like my food cooked.” He said with a shake of his head as he nudged the platter closer to your side of the table.

“Mmm not me precious. We likes them raw and wriggling.” You joked before eating another.

“Oh I know that one!” He exclaimed a little too loudly, excited he got the reference. The restaurant went quiet for a moment as everyone turned to see the two avengers famous for hating each other out for a meal. Chopsticks still in your mouth, you looked over the eyes watching you before giving an awkward wave prompting you both burst into laughter. It felt so nice not pretending to be angry or full of hate. For once you were both just yourselves.

“It's not all raw you big baby, here.” You chuckled as you separated the raw from the cooked for him. “But yes, you got the reference, good job.” You teased as you continued eating.

“What is it with you and those books?” He asked as he picked up a california roll, examining it.

You shrugged watching him. “Dad...he loved them...he read The Hobbit to my mom when he was teaching her English, and then to me when I was a baby.” You explained with a half smile as your fingers caressed the hook around your neck.

“That is so sweet. He sounds like he was a wonderful guy.” He said with a smile as he ventured the california roll into his mouth.

You nodded with a bit of a smile. “Fantasy has a way of bringing out the wonder in people. I think it shows the best of what we all could be.” You explained as you watched him fight through the taste, seeing instantly it wasn't for him. “If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. - Tolkien wrote that...and I shall honor his wishes by finishing this off and buying you a burger or a hotdog or something.”

His eyes lit up as he laughed with relief. “Thanks doll. I'm sorry this stuff just isn't for me.”

“Hey, you tried.” You said with a smile as you leaned over to give him a soft kiss. “All I can ask.”

~ ~ ~ ~

On the way back to the tower you stopped at a hotdog stand, sneering at the tube of meat as Bucky bit into it. You could remember a time you loved hotdogs...hell, you practically survived off them on the fishing boat when you were a kid...but ever since you learned what goes in them… "that is disgusting." You remarked, watching him take another bite, pulling a chuckle from his lips as he wrapped an arm around you. 

"Well that's not fair...have you ever tried one?" He teased holding it in front of you.

"Ugh...yes...do you even know what goes in to those things?" You answered, playfully pushing him away.

"Not raw fish. And that's the goal for my meal right now."

Once back at the tower you both settled on a movie to watch in his room...too bad you were both too preoccupied with each other to watch it, turning it into background noise as passion took hold of your night.

~ ~ ~ ~ 

The mid February snow settled in Bucky's dark hair like a dream as you wandered the streets of new York, your fingers of one hand wrapped wrapped around his, the other wrapped around the book he got you as a last minute attempt at a Valentine's Day gift. He knew it wasn't much of a gift, but you could see even in the last minute nature of it there was thought put into it… Beren and Luthien...a book by Tolkien that was published during your time under water. You loved the gift, and for that he was grateful. The only real plans you had for Valentine's day was just to be together so you found yourselves just walking, debating on what to do with your first Valentine's as a couple. He watched you out of the corner of his eye, amazed you weren't cold without a coat as his free hand coming up to brush small snowflakes from the blue in your hair. “So...How about the aquarium?” Bucky teased as you shoved him playfully.

“You know...it's a shame Rockefeller Center took down the rink. I've always wanted to do that.” You mused as you gently pulled Bucky's arm to wrap around your shoulders.

“You lived in Maine and never went ice skating?" He asked looking to you in shock.

“I never did a lot of things.” You clarified. “You gotta understand I spent a good portion of my life in hiding.” You paused, laughing at your past self. “When I was a kid I wanted to be a marine biologist so I could make the big discovery of Atlantis so I read a lot.”

“Whatever happened to that?” He asked with a raised brow as he lead you toward the subway, having a good idea of where your date should go now.

You shrugged. “I never finished high school thanks to Hydra.” He frowned knowing it was thanks to him too. “But it's not like any of that would have mattered where I ended up anyway.” You comforted as you both sat on the train to Brooklyn. “So, where are we going?” You asked with a bright smile that seemed to light up his world.

“You wanted to ice skate. There's a rink that's out by where me and Steve grew up.” He answered before both of your phones went off. You gave each other a concerned look before looking down to their phones at the message reading AVENGERS ASSEMBLE. “God Steve is so dramatic sometimes.” He joked before hunching over and kissing the top of your head. “Sorry Little Mermaid. Time for us to go to work. We can go skating another time.” You nodded as you both stood, readying to get off at the next stop and head back to the tower.

~ ~ ~ ~ 

“What's going on?” You asked as you and Bucky made their way into the mission room, rather late thanks to the subway system.

“SHIELD informant tipped us off on a HYDRA base on the Nova Scotia coast. They say it went up overnight.” Steve explained as everyone suited up. 

“That's pretty close to my colony.” You said in panic as you slipped your h2o condenser gauntlets on. 

“Hence the urgency.” Steve said with a nod. “They said HYDRA was bringing in tanks.”

Your eyes went wide with worry and fear as they shot up to him, the rush of getting ready and on the quinjet doubled. “You don't think…” you trailed off. You didn't need to finish the thought. You didn't have to, they all were thinking it.

~ ~ ~ ~ 

It was hard to tell if you or Hulk was damaging the building more as you tore your way through walls and people alike. While the others were more concerned with finding who was in control you were concentrating on hurting those who crossed your path. Bucky watched admiring your savage wrath as you tore through the building. Until you stopped, your eyes catching a blue foot laying barely in view of an open door. “Oh my God.” You whispered under your breath before rushing off on your own.

“Maelstrom! Wait!” Bucky called out before being pulled in the opposite direction.

As you sprinted into the room you found the tanks they were told about. Barely big enough to hold a full grown Atlantean as they groggily beat against the glass, barely cognitive enough to move, their strength useless. “Mom!” You gasped finding a familiar face. “What have they done to you.” You whispered placing your hand gently on the tank, watching your mother's gills gasping for oxygen.

“Go.” She panted, barely able to breath in the small space, not enough water to support her life. “Trap.” But it was too late. As you stood there the room had been filling with gas. Soon after the warning you collapsed.

~ ~ ~ ~ 

“Anyone seen (y/n)?” Bucky asked as the team took off. “She's been radio silent for a while.” He said eyes filled with worry.

Tag List:

@sardonicsleeper​

[soft-baby-dobrik]

only you // luke hemmings

a/n: so yeaahh still on these dumbasses too. y’all i just have a lot of emotions

summary: jealous luke gets in the feels and pours his sweet little heart out to you

masterlist

requests are open

gif credit

Between the countless cities and the countless people, it was easy to get caught up in the lifestyle. Easy to let it ruin a relationship or friendships, but that was what Luke refused to let happen. There was no part of him that would let himself get so caught up to forget about you or your value. To him, you were as vital to life as food or water or oxygen. You were everything he needed in girlfriend and no part of him could let that go, ever. Love was an understatement for his feelings. Every fiber of him was consumed by you. Never once did his mind part from thinking of you. Every second of everyday, you were thought about, so when you were here with him, on tour, he couldn’t stop even more. On stage was where he was destined to be, and in his eyes, you were destined to be right there in the front row. 

The strings plucked would vibrate your whole body as you stood in awe, looking up at the God himself. He was always in his element on stage. He was confident there, able to pour every ounce of him into every string and every note sung. His eyes remained on you during the whole show. The way you smiled and swayed and sang along, had his full and undivided attention.

Every moment your eyes locked, he beamed in joy. You glowed in beauty while he glowed in sweat. A small wink would be thrown your way routinely, causing you to smile happily. Watching him there on stage, always made you fall a little bit more in love with him. As the show was about to close, you were escorted the back by security to wait for Luke. Once his lanky frame came through the door, he hustled over to you. Easily, he scooped you up into a hug and swung you around in circles. His hair was a little matted from sweat but he glowed in the light.

“Hi, princess,” he grinned, still holding you in his arms.

You laughed loudly, “Hi, baby.” 

“You look so good, baby,” he smiled, as he set you down and looked you up and down. A slight flush came over you as he dipped his head down to press a kiss to your forehead.

“You did amazing tonight,” you smiled, lovingly, wrapping your arms around his neck. 

“Not trying to breakup this sweet love fest, but we have a party to be at in thirty minutes!” Ashton chimed, rushing around the room.

Luke groaned loudly, looking down at you. “I don’t want to go. Can we just go back to the hotel?” His head lowered in order to shoot you his sweet puppy eyes. As much as you knew he just wanted to curl up in bed with you, the boys were so beyond excited and it wasn’t just some party, it was a big party and a big deal to them.

“Luke!” Calum groaned.

“Babe, we’ll go for a little and then we can go back to the hotel,” you smiled, and rubbed his cheek. A look of slight annoyance took his face as the other boys cheered and thanked you. All three of them quickly ran out to get changed. “I love you, but you know they’re all excited.” Luke moaned in disapproval and tugged you into his chest.

“But I missed you so much,” he sighed, tugging you down on the couch next to you both. He flopped on his back and pulled you on top of him. 

Giggling, you peered up at the big baby under you and responded, “I missed you too, but that doesn’t mean you abandon plans with the guys.” He sighed and shook his head at you before rubbing your back.

“You just got to be here with me and now you’re still supporting me spending time with the guys,” he laughed, twiddling with the ends of your hair. “I mean you’re coming with us, but still. I just want some us time.” As much as you wanted to give in to him, you knew the boys had been raging about this party.

“We will, after the party,” you smiled, leaning up to press a kiss to his cheek. “Now go to a quick shower. You’re sweaty,” you giggled, rolling off of him. Another loud groan escaped him, as he looked up at you pouting. 

“I will if you take one with me,” he smiled, widely.

Shaking your head, you leaned down to press another kiss to his forehead. “Not now! The boys are here. But we can later,” you teased. Another dramatic groan left his mouth before he gently tugged your lips down to his. He gave you a sweet, loving kiss before you broke away. “Shower,” you mumbled, smiling down at your sweaty man.

“Yes, mom,” he sighed. He pushed his body up off the couch and to a standing position. He quickly pressed your body to his with his embrace and smiled before leaning down to kiss you. Instinctively, your arms wrapped around his neck and you smiled into the kiss. “I’m so happy you’re here,” he mumbled, smiling at you.

“Me too,” you smiled up at him. With one push on the ground, you pushed your lips to his. “I love you so much,” you smiled.

“I love you so much more,” he said, kissing your forehead. Before you could get another word out to argue against that, he was already halfway out the door. “I’m going to shower now!” Laughing, you laid your body on the couch and cuddled into the cushions. After about fifteen minutes Luke returned in the room, a towel hung around his hips. You couldn’t help but laugh and shake your head at him. 

“You’re playing dirty,” your pouted, looking at the beautiful man in front of you. His hair was pressed down and dripping with droplets.

“No idea what you’re talking about,” he smiled, leaning over to grab his other set of clothes. His arms slid into the sleeves of his shirt before beginning to button it. Sighing obnoxiously to get his attention, you looked up at the ceiling as he slid on his boxers and pants, refusing to play into his game. “You look so beautiful,” he said, biting his lip. His eyes looked at your figure on the couch as you gave him a slight glare. “You sure you still want to go to the party?” he asked, looking down at you.

“Yup!” you smiled, resulting in an groan from him.

“Babe, can we please-” he began before you quickly cut him off.

“No sir, we’re going to the party for at least an hour,” you responded, standing up. His head flung back in annoyance.

“You’re so stubborn,” he growled, wrapping his arms around your waist. You nodded with a smirk as his leaned his head down to capture your lips with his. It was so easy to melt into his warm embrace and his soft lips. The kiss was so soft and loving. Every second of it made you just want to give in to his want of going back to the hotel room, but you wouldn’t. Slowly, you pulled away and looked up him.

“The boys are probably ready now,” you murmured, softly. Sighing, he pulled away from you.

“You’re lucky I love you,” he grumbled before snaking his fingers into yours and holding your hand. Both you headed towards the boys rooms as the crew hustled around the place. Once the boys had eyes on you both they cheered.

“y/n, you’re the best,” Michael smiled, thanking you for still making him come to the party.

“What can I say,” you shrugged, giggling. Luke rolled his eyes, a small smile playing at his lips.

“Luke stop fighting it, she is definitely the best,” Calum chirped, heading out the back.

“I never denied it,” Luke smiled, looking down at you warmly. Your lips puckered up to show you wanted a kiss. Without hesitation, he leaned down quickly and kissed you. Right as he pulled away, you both headed out the back door and hurried towards the car waiting for you both. You slid into the backseat with Luke quickly behind. Once the car was in motion, you leaned your head against his chest, cuddling into his warmth. It was a beautiful summer night, with the slightest nip of cold in the air. His fingers played with your hair as you both sat in the happy presence of one another. “I missed this so much,” he whispered.

“I missed you so much,” you mumbled, cuddling closer to him. One of his slender fingers slipped under your chin and guided your gaze to his. Even in the dark, you could see him smiling. 

“I love you so much,” he whispered, pressing the smallest of kisses to your forehead, lovingly. A content sigh left you as you pressed your forehead against his chest.

“I love you too,” you responded. The remainder of the car ride was spent in a comfortable silence. His fingers toyed with your hair and your hand drew circles on his forearm. Once the driver reached the destination, you both thanked him and climbed out. His hand held yours tightly as you neared the boys.

“Alright one hour!” Luke scowled, somewhat jokingly, and you all shook your heads laughing. You all piled inside the party. Luke’s arm was firmly wrapped around your waist as you maneuvered through the crowd. 

An hour had almost passed before Luke was swept away by people. His eyes glanced over to you every minute or two to make sure you were okay. You sat on the couch, looking around, a glass of wine in your hand. Small talk had been made with a couple people, them recognizing you as Luke’s girlfriend. One guy in particular took more of an interest. The two of you began to chat and he was amusing.

“So do you have a name or do you just go by Luke Hemmings girlfriend?” he teased and you couldn’t help but laugh.

“I do have a name, but I also like to reminded of my gorgeous boyfriend,” you smiled warmly.

The stranger’s eyes glanced over to Luke and eyed him head to toe. “I mean he’s a pretty gorgeous dude,” the guy shrugged, causally. “So, your name?”

“y/n,” you smiled as he stuck his hands towards you to shake.

“Jake,” he smiled. “Nice to meet THE Luke Hemmings girlfriend in person!” he fake gawked. You giggled and shook your head. After that, your eyes looked over to where Luke was just standing to see no Luke. There he stood, in front of, his jaw a little tense and his eyebrows furrowed.

“Hi, babe,” you smiled. He looked at you and then to Jake.

“I’m not feeling too well,” he paused, looking back to you. “Can we go home?” Smiling, you nodded.

“It was nice to meet you, Jake,” you waved, as you grabbed Luke’s hand.

“You too, Hemmings girlfriend,” he winked. After a final wave, you and Luke began to exit the party. His shoulders were hunched and his demeanor was tense.

“Luke, baby, are you okay?” you asked, genuinely concerned.

“I just want to get back to the hotel,” he said, continuing to head towards the doorway. Once you reached outside, you tugged his arm back for him to look at you.

“Luke,” you said, looking up at him. A loud breathe was let out before he turned around, to look at you.

“y/n, I just love you so much. And you’re so fucking oblivious. That guy was completely into you and you’re so sweet and kind you wouldn’t even see it. Like for me there is no other girl I’d ever want. It’s only you and seeing that just- fuck!” he rambled, shoving his fingers through his hair harshly. “I’m so in love with you y/n.” Your heart immediately melted. Before you could let out a word, his hands were placed on both of your cheeks and his lips were pressed against yours. It was a needy kiss. A need to mark you and say that you were his. It was short and passion driven and when he pulled away, you were speechless. 

“Luke Hemmings, I am so in love with you,” you stated.

“y/n, you are my dream girl,” he continued. “I love you more than anything in this world. You are mine. And I don’t know how much longer I can take this,” he croaked, looking at down at you. Your eyebrows furrowed before he continued, “Touring like this. Not being with you. I can’t do this. I need you more than just occasionally. What if you just stayed with me? Like on tours and everything, you just came,” he continued to ramble, and you looked at him, astonished.

“Luke, I can’t have a job on the road like that,” you said, unsure what to say. 

“But you don’t have to work. I have plenty of money for the both of us,” he said, holding your hand tightly. His eyes were heavy and he looked so stressed. “I just can’t deal with not being with you and how long we go without each other.” Your hand came up to rub his cheek lovingly.

“Luke, we can figure something out,” you said. Your heart was heavy and hurt to see the stress on his face.

“I just love you so much, y/n. I hate not having a normal life with you. I want to see you everyday. Come home to you and sleep with you every night. And you deserve that,” he continued, his broad frame seemed small as he wrapped his arms around you. 

“Luke Hemmings, look at me,” you said sternly. Slowly, his eyes gazed to look at you. “That is a luxury we don’t have right now. But that doesn’t mean I deserve someone else. You are my guy. You are everything to me. I am so in love with you and I knew all this from the day we met. But that doesn’t make me love you any less or want to give up on us,” you said. 

He sighed, and hugged you to him closely. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” he mumbled, hugging your body to his own tightly.

“Luke, you are the sweetest person. And you make me the happiest girl even when you’re halfway across the world,” you said, hugging him as tight as possible. His finger slipped under your chin and made you look up at him.

“You are by far the most amazing girl I’ve ever met. For me, it’s always you and only you. You are the only girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. You and you only,” he said, a small smile at the end of his lips.

“I love you, Luke,” you smiled, wrapping your arms around his neck. Before he could respond, you leaned up and pressed a kiss to his lips. On instinct, his hands grasped your waist to steady you. The kiss was everything you needed and everything he needed. He needed this kiss to show his love for you. To show his hardship with not having a “normal” relationship, and you needed to show him you loved him and reassure him that there was nobody else for you but him. And it did just that. His fingers toyed with the ends of your hair as you rubbed his cheek softly. Your lips moved in a beautiful manner, that was not explainable, besides love. After the kiss, Luke kept his forehead pressed against yours.

“y/n, I’m going to marry you one day,” he whispered, a playful smile on his cherry lips.

“I’ll say yes one day,” you smiled back. 

“Now, lets go back to the hotel. You owe me a shower,” he mumbled, pressing another kiss to your lips.

a/n: ummmmm idk if this really what i wanted but this is what happened sooo here it is. enjoy??

[the-lisbyth-project-blog]

The Smell of Roses

It was a gorgeous, and sunny, nearly fall day in Massachusetts. I’ve found myself pulled away from the busy workload that I’ve tasked myself with to walk my dog, Maus(Mouse). Maus the dog has waited all day to arrive at this very moment in time, alternating between napping and sneaking bites of trash while he waited for me to inevitably slam my laptop shut in frustration. When the moment eventually came, as it does every day, his ears perked up at my scowl. I fought down my perfectionistic tendencies and left my work unfinished. 

The sun happily shone it’s rays down upon us. Maus pranced on, basking in the afternoon heat and busy streets, stopping to look up and greet every person we passed. I urged him forward, avoiding the smiles that were cast our way. Maus was enjoying his walk, however, and was in no rush to get back home. He stopped at every flower patch that had been gifted to us from a community out for redemption. There were flowers everywhere, it seemed, as he stopped every few feet to smell a new petal. I sighed heavily, pulling at his leash as he fought for his right to enjoy the moment, and why shouldn’t he? 

It seemed that after two years in sobriety, I had forgotten the value of living in the moment. Instead, I found my heart pounding on this walk, picking my cuticles and stressing about the day ahead and my long-term future. The present moment was considered an inconvenience that I had to get through as quickly as possible to get closer to the future I was so anxious about. As I walked, I pondered where had my gratitude run off to? I could’ve sworn it was just there, but glancing behind me I couldn’t recall when it had left me. The further I got from the past I had overcome, it seemed the less and less I was capable of valuing these simple moments right now that were flying by. 

Why does this happen? Why are humans so incapable of finding value in the present moment when our canine counterparts are seemingly incapable of being anywhere but the present moment? I had taught my dog a lot in his first year of life, but it seemed he had many more lessons for me to learn. Lessons I was too busy to pay attention to. 

Remaining present was something I thought I had long ago mastered, but there in that moment, tugging at Maus’ leash, I realized I would never get to that particular finish line  - because there wasn’t one. For someone who likes things nice and orderly, black and white, point A to point B, working towards something that I will never complete is nearly impossible to understand and harder still to accept. In today’s America, our lives flashing faster and faster before our eyes, stopping to enjoy the moment one finds themselves in is near infeasible. As Americans, and as an increasingly fast-paced world, we no longer know how to pause. Until, decades or years down the line, we find ourselves at the future with no more tomorrow’s left to lose sleep over, and we realize that we missed every single today we’ve ever lived. 

I sink deeper into my couch, savoring in its cushiness. My apartment exudes warmth and comfort and I smile at the soft glowing world I’ve managed to create. I breathe deeply, enjoying the way my lungs expand and contract, the relaxing feel of my lungs filling with oxygen.  The sweet aroma of the Earl Grey greets me, steaming in welcome as I get a feel for my life in this very moment, what it feels like. Maus places his head on my chest, and we just look at one another. I missed the roses, I try to communicate, but this moment is just as lovely. I smile, marveling in Now.  For the briefest of moments, we are here, in the same moment in time. I take a snapshot in my mind, remembering the flighty tendencies of these instances.