#so you get a little unhealthy and a little codependent and start being very emotionally open

[sammygender]

*shoving a pile of my writings and song lyrics from between 2019-current at anyone who dares talk to me about my ex* here so this is the required reading to have an opinion on this subject-

[fizzigigsimmer]

Fargo s5 Episode 8: Manipulation and Codependency.

I am UNWELL after this last episode. I have so many thoughts. What it says on the tin, this is just me processing my reaction to the latest episode so if you are not caught up, spoilers will be found within.

Let’s start with the lady of the hour. Miss Dot. Miss Dorthy Lyon 👏🏾 Put some respect on her name. This character is endlessly fascinating to me. She’s incredibly complex. Almost over powered in one sense, but also incredibly fragile. We’re seeing now in clearer detail what an accomplished manipulator Dot is. She’s not just a fighter. She’s not just hiding and masking her trauma. She is actively playing the people around her and moving them around a board in her mind. The same way Roy does. The same way anyone in a position of power does, honestly.

Roy and Loraine and people in general, we seek control over others out of a place of insecurity, in order to make ourselves feel safe in our little worlds. Survivors of abuse are particularly good at this, and it’s something I am so glad to see the narrative touching on. The media likes to paint victims with cinderella syndrome. They are often childlike innocent caricatures who are endlessly kind and pure in the face of unjustified cruelty, purely so that audiences will emotionally attach to them quickly and feel whatever amount of fear and revulsion the creator wants for the antagonist. But the reality for real people who suffer domestic violence and other forms of abuse is that they’re just people. They have the same potential for good and bad and selfishness, they developed unhealthy coping mechanisms and they learn to play the game just like everyone else. And when you live your life in fear, you have more incentive than most to get good fast at controlling your surroundings.

We see another example of this in Karen this episode. Roy’s current wife is no stranger to her husband’s violent temper and is very aware of the danger he represents. When he’s humiliated in spectacular fashion and likely to lose his election, there’s this palpable tension in the air as the family rides home. We know heads are going to roll, and from the look on Karen’s face so does she. When she first opened her mouth I was so scared for her. lol I wanted to reach through the screen and shake her, like “shut up! That man will kill you.” At first I thought she was being hopelessly naive, saying exactly all the wrong things to try and comfort Roy that were only pressing on the wound. BUT THEN! Then we watch her turn it on Dot. She calls her a curse, playing into Roy’s belief that there are scales to be balanced in order to make the world right again, and pointing out that all of this only happened when Dot came back. She basically says, Dot’s the reason you have bad luck not me. Go hurt her and not me. And then he does. It’s brilliant.

I was on the edge of my seat watching Dot desperately try and hang onto her world. Everything from her name down to who gets to remind Wayne to take his Lactaide medication, using anything and everything at her disposal to do it. When Roy isnt impressed by being reminded he married a child around his own son’s age - oh please, she had hair and her period so she wasn’t a child - she switches tactics quick as a whip and leans hard on Roy’s family man ideals. She relentlessly forces him to confront the contradictions in his actions by reminding him he is destroying a family. Finally, when that fails too she delivers a violent threat. You will do as I ask, or I’m going to hurt you. The writing here was so masterful. They are opposites. We’re rooting for her, and yet, they mirror each other. Dot has been using manipulation tactics she learned at the hands of her abusers to carefully curate a place where she feels safe, and now that it’s all crumbling around her she’s finally starting to see it for herself.

Her scene with Gator was particularly poignant. Because when he comes in, he’s subdued and we get the feeling that he’s there (whether he’s going to admit it or not) purely because he wants to see her. Her, the big sister who used to comfort him while he watched his father abuse his mother. Who then replaced his mother and became his father’s wife while his own mother seemingly abandoned him. The way she plays him in this scene is so heartbreaking to watch but also incredibly insightful. She knows why he’s here: because deep down he wanted to see her. She dances back and forth between playing on their buried bond ( “I didn’t tell the FBI anything” implying, she wouldn’t tell them anything that would hurt him) and plucking on his insecurities (you’re sloppy, you’re weak, you’re a fuck up and your daddy doesn’t love you).

But the biggest card that Dot tries to play is Linda. She tells Gator that she saw her and tries to bring him into her fantasy that Linda got out and has healed from her trauma. That she loves him and never meant to leave him, and that everything will be okay if he just helps her get out. She can take him to his mother and they can leave all of this behind him, and he can finally be free to be the person that deep down she knows he wants to be. And I just love the way this scene was played. Because while it is tempting to believe that Dot is purely just confused from the accident and the sleep deprivation, the music lets us know that more is going on here. We hear flutes, specifically those played by snake charmers. Gator is the snake, and Dot is hypnotizing him before our very eyes. This isn’t the first time Gator has been connected to snake imagery/symbolism either. When Dot decides to tell him why he’s not named Roy after his father, she likens him to a pale little lizard. @tdciago did an excellent post on some of the symbolism we’ve seen in the show thus far, and it really emphasis how often Gator is likened to or associated with snakes: His character bio compares him to the snake in the Garden. His LOL tattoo has forked tongues on the Ls. He's got a "Don't tread on me" flag featuring a snake in his room. He stopped at the Gas 'n Go to "drain the snake." He left an empty Slim Jim wrapper in Donny Ireland's evidence box, that looked like a shed snakeskin. He said that Munch came up "snake eyes."

And as much as Dot’s speech about Linda is about playing on his natural yearning for his mother, it’s also about them too. It’s about Dot. In a way, Dot is also saying that she’s sorry. She never meant to leave him alone. She loves him and she wants things to be alright. They can be if you just help me. Gator obviously wants to believe what Dot is saying is true all of it, but he’s not as dumb as everyone seems to think he is. He knows Dot lies to herself and to others and he calls her out on it. With a single line “You’re lying. You’ve never once in your life told the truth.” we’re left to wonder about all the lies Dot has had to tell over the years. First in order to survive on her own as a teenage runaway, then when she was taken in by the Tillmans, and again when Linda disappeared and she became Roy’s wife.

She told herself that Linda got out, that she was somewhere safe and free and building the life that she wanted. At first she used this lie not to have to face the reality of Roy, of her own likely end, maybe even to appease the twisted sense of guilt she would feel taking Linda’s place and in the light of Gator’s grief over his mother’s sudden absence. Later, she probably used this lie to give herself the courage to be her own Linda. To get out and make the life for herself that she deserved, even if it meant having to leave Gator behind. Even if he doesn’t understand all of the pieces, in his heart of hearts Gator knows his mother is never coming back. She’s either gone or dead, and either way she left him just like Dot did, and Dot is lying to herself.

“I hope you die in here Nadine and that you never see your kid again.” Because that would be justice in his eyes. That would balance the scales. Because he’s never getting out, so why should she?

“No you don’t.” And it’s true. She knows him. Knows he wouldn’t even be here if he weren’t soft. She gave him an opportunity. This was Gator’s crossroad and he chose to stay his course, and the looming figure of Munch reinforces the message that Officer Witt Later delivers, the consequences for Gator are almost here.

Dot too is approaching a crossroad. Because as the episode progresses she is forced to finally confront one of the lies she’s been telling herself for years. Linda is dead. She never made it out. She’s buried under the windmill with Roy’s other enemies. This is not the first time that Dot has seen this windmill, because it was also in her dream about Linda. I would not be surprised if all of Roy’s wives did not witness a body going into that ground at some point or another because of how Karen was so quick to redirect Roy’s rage to Dot. They’re on different sides of the line but they are both fighting for the same thing. To be with their children and not to end up rolled into an early grave.

[cthonic-bunny]

1. Pick a Card Reading

What is spooking them from advancing this connection?

Spooky season edition- in honor of Halloween weekend! Take what resonates and abandon all that doesn't. This is my very first collective reading, so feedback would be much appreciated! I am using the Darkside Skeleton Tarot deck and the Romance Angels oracle cards for this reading! Take a deep breath, close your eyes, and choose the deck you gravitate to! Left pile is pile 1, middle pile is pile 2, and the pile on the right is pile 3.

Pile 1-

Cards pulled: Ten of Cups, Ace of Cups, The Magician, Six of Cups, Death, Queen of Pentacles, Page of Cups, and King of Swords

Oracle Cards: "Express your love," "Very soon," and "Heart to Heart Conversations"

Ahhhh, pile 1! This is by far the sweetest pile of the bunch. I actually don't sense much fear at all on their behalf. The lack of progress most likely stems from finding the optimal timing to express their real feelings and plans for this connection's progression. They want to find the right words to say. They want to do things "the right way." They have a romantic side, and appreciate the idea of courting. They want to start off properly so that this connection could have a crack-free, sturdy foundation to support you two through the long-run. They don't perceive this union as one to take lightly. There might be an expectation that this is a relationship meant to last, so we have to get it right before we even begin. I get the sense that they will be very protective of you, and pick up on changes in your emotional state very easily. They are intelligent and well-spoken. I feel like you two might be a little different, but in a way that is complimentary. They can respect you as someone who is at their level, or shares similar values. I think they like how you two would look as a couple in terms of your appearances. They get a lot of satisfaction out of making you blush, or flirting with you. I feel like they wanted to approach you in a romantic context as soon as they first saw you. They might be the type to like to get you flowers. They want this to be emotionally enriching for you both. I see a lot of tenderness and being able to genuinely relax around one another. Your presences might be very soothing to one another, so spending time with one another feels better than not. I don't see it being unhealthy or codependent with this pile. They aren't loud and boisterous, and don't need to intentionally command attention to show their dominance or confidence in a room full of people. Maybe you two met in school, or have childhood friends in common? High school sweethearts, maybe? I feel like they might like to watch sports, or perhaps even play them. You or them might perceive the other as "dreamy." I wouldn't be surprised if one or both of you might have Pisces, Scorpio, or Cancer placements (especially pisces for some reason), but maybe even Aries. I feel like they smell good, and their perfume or cologne lingering on you after you see them fills you with butterflies. I also think butterflies might be important to someone in this connection. You like the way they dress. They come off as clean and hygienic. I feel like for some, they grew up financially comfortable or well-off. They might have been taught to be chivalrous. If this is a man, there is something about his energy that reminds me of Conrad from The Summer I Turned Pretty. I think you two might really enjoy drives together, and giggling in the car. I can see someone sharing their hoodie with the other. They might enjoy your music taste or not mind it, even if it is different than theirs. You might have a deeper connection to music than them. if this reading resonates so far, I would just give it time to unfold organically and enjoy the present.

Pile 2-

Cards pulled: 8 of Swords, 4 of Cups, The Sun, The Fool, 6 of Wands, Judgment, Knight of Pentacles, The Devil

Oracle Cards: "Healing Family Issues," "Love yourself first," and "Separation"

This is easily the most chaotic and confusing pile. This person seems extremely inconsistent, and seems to change quicker than the moon. I get air sign energy from this pile though, especially Libra energy. I don't think they necessarily have bad intentions, but they don't awaken the most positive feelings in you. I think this person tends to get a little ahead of themselves because they are so full of thoughts they can't fully interpret themselves. They think something is a great idea, get super motivated, and then all of a sudden refuses to act or changes their mind. Their flame shines super bright, but burns out quick. I think some of these people might be suffering from addiction or is an escapist. They might have family issues that have really affected them and their adult relationships. If that isn't the case, for a select few of you, you can possibly be dealing with someone who has a family with someone else that they cannot abandon to be with you without causing massive upheaval and chaos in their life. This person is pretty up and down. They might come off as the life of the party, but inside are jumbling a lot of unspoken feelings. They need to learn to love themselves first before they can properly give you the love and commitment they need. I recommend giving this person space to collect themselves. They are not thinking clearly, and might be acting impulsively and carelessly to see what fills a void. They are trying to seek joy and gratification, and want to make sure they aren't making the wrong decision and depriving themselves of the solace they are searching for. They need to sit down and reflect on a lot. Despite making rash decisions, I see they are also really scared of making mistakes that will cast judgment on them. They might overcommit to plans with friends so that they can avoid their inner wounds (I feel like they are kind of popular too). They can be in the middle of some sort of spiral, and it is best to not get too wrapped up in their tornado. "I also hear that they don't trust themselves." I see them as someone who is financially frivolous. All of this isn't to say that they do not care about you as a person, but they might be too wrapped up in discovering themselves to truly give you the intimacy and stability you might crave. Give them time to come back down to Earth.

Pile 3-

Cards pulled: 9 of Pentacles, The Hermit, 7 of Cups, 5 of Cups, 4 of Pentacles, The Emperor, The High Priestess, The Lovers

Oracle Cards: "Forgiving and learning," "Romantic feelings," "Honeymoon"

Pile 3! For some reason, I can't stop thinking about this person as being a little bit on the alt side. Maybe they have wavy/curly/or messy hair and it is one of the things you find the most attractive about them. They might skate, or look like they skate I feel like? They look like a "sad boy" or maybe an "e-girl" depending on what gender you are inquiring about. I feel like they might like to read a lot, or are starting to get into reading. They give me Aries energy, or maybe another fire sign. I think their fears on furthering this connection with you comes from fears of not being good enough or fear of rejection. I think this person is going through changes and re-evaluating their past mistakes and tendencies so that they can become a more stable and mature version of themselves. I think they are a hopeless romantic at heart, but they are also someone who requires a lot of reassurance. I think they need to spend a lot of time with you before they can feel comfortable expressing their feelings because they are constantly trying to read the vibe of the room. They might be extremely self-aware or sensitive to their environment to the point it can become really overwhelming to them to process so much at once. They might be the type to ruminate on the things they said to someone once they leave that social interaction. I think they might be waiting for you to give them a definite sign first before confessing their feelings so that they know they are not crazy and misreading the dynamic. I feel like they might have a small circle of friends, but they are super important to them. I think they find you to be gentle. They might love to daydream a lot. They get lost in their thoughts and forget time is passing that they don't really make a move. They might be assertive and quick-witted in other situations, but not so much in love. They might be the type to enjoy watching romantic comedies with you. They want a relaxed love. They are a softy, I feel like. I also wouldn't be surprised if they also have Pisces or Taurus placements. Maybe they were born in June, or June is an important month for you two? They would not want to share you with anyone else, and would want to make sure you have feelings for absolutely no one but them. They will not handle that heartbreak well, and will lament on it for a very long time. They think very deeply and ponder as well. If it is a man, I can sense them being in tune with their feminine side. They also might be very intuitive. I feel like they will defend the ones they love with every ounce of their being. Introducing you to their friends might be a bigger gesture than you think. I think they just need to work on their confidence. Reassurance is big in this pile. I think they like to watch and admire you, and appreciate your physical beauty.

-D

[floralcrematorium]

It's your turn to do Framano!

Also DenNor and one other Norway ship of your choosing 8)

Framano

I swear to god, I started shipping them on accident and now I literally think about them every day. I honestly still have mixed feelings about it because of Early France Characterization™️, which if you frequent my blog you know I don’t particularly care for. HOWEVER. What specifically got me into this ship was that Framano RP I mention literally every other day — They both need something emotionally from the other and they get it. I love the idea that these two can be vulnerable together. As much as I lean into the fluffy comfort side of the ship, there’s also so much potential for nasty codependency that can be totally twisted for narrative purposes that would be really interesting to write. They’re not like a watered down FrUK to me and I’m not sure how to exactly describe them. On one hand they can be normal people working through their issues together and on the other hand they are a disaster and insufferable to be around.

Or maybe Framano is just an unhealthy way for me to cope with my wanting a supportive partner like Francis and putting myself in Lovino’s shoes 🤔

Anyway I could literally go on forever about them. Don’t let me talk to you about them, it’ll just be me sobbing and pointing and slamming my fists on the table. I have deeply connected myself emotionally to this ship for better or for worse.

DenNor

I feel like every Nordic centric blog I’m following has differing opinions on how/if Nor, Den, and Swe are related. My opinion? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Man, I genuinely don’t know. It depends on the narrative of a fic I’m reading entirely and they’re one of those groups that every creator has a different adaptation of them so there are so many different Norways and different Denmarks running around in my head.

DenNor is one of those ships I still have a soft spot for after all these years. Den isn’t necessarily obnoxious, but he’s a bright guy who lights up a room. I like the idea of Nor being a little nature freak who can only handle being around other people for too long before he needs to go Do Something Outside or alone. They’re opposites attract to me. Sun and moon symbolism once again.

They’re definitely complicated, though.

Nor?

I see a lot of different content where Nor is shipped with others! Truly, I can’t decide which to talk about.

I love seeing NorScot art on my feed (hi, Ifindus), even though I’m very unfamiliar with Scotland’s character. I think when considering actual history, this ship’s pretty interesting as well (I say, knowing very little). I should hunt for fics for this one.

I like the idea of NorFin. Couldn’t???? Tell you why? They click to me and I haven’t explored it whatsoever. I have no basis for this.

I like the idea of RomNor as well? More so just because of Magic Trio purposes.

I’ve also seen SuNor floating around, which I think is cool!

This is the official “Sell Me On Your Norway Ships” inquiry post. I love that man deeply (I swear for more reasons than his looks) and really do like seeing all of the different ships he ends up in. TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOUR NORWAY SHIPS!!!

Ship Bingo

[elliethinkstoomuch]

The Darkest Place. The space between, the void somewhere in the middle of the end of one point and the beginning of another. I wish it were comfortable - that space - but it’s not. It’s like being on fire. The glimmers of hope and optimism that tear through the bleak veil of uncertainty and fear. I write with the blood spilled from the razors of my anxiety. I get lost easily in the heart of it, in my own heart. The intensity of the emotions which I alone must process feels immense. All I can do is hope that on the other side of the flames, the rabid storm, that I’ve made good choices. I don’t want to cause pain, and I have yet to forgive myself for a lot of the pain I have caused in the past. It stays, somewhere in the back of my mind, omnipresent, The Darkest Place.

I, like so many others, am broken. I am nowhere even close to perfect and to be such would only replace one hell with another. My parents were emotionally absent throughout the course of my childhood, so the processing of emotions and traumas therefore fell upon myself, and myself only. I could never approach them with it less I get undermined, minimized, gaslit and steamrolled.

“You must really enjoy being punished, it’s the only thing you respond to.”

”You teach people how to treat you, and you’ve taught us that screaming and yelling are the only ways to break through.”

”What is wrong with you? Are you going to punch me? I could drop you right now if I wanted to.”

”Sometimes I wish I hadn’t adopted you.”

I think about things they’ve said to me. It contradicts strongly with the positive regard I’ve always tried to hold them in. They care, in their own way, and I had to learn hundreds of times over hundreds of circumstances that there’s a chance they’ll never understand. That I’ll never really be able to reach them in a way they truly resonate with. Emotional abandonment was the “name of the game” when it came to my upbringing. Thus, I gave every last shred of emotional bandwidth to friends whom I very quickly fell into unhealthy codependency with. I became heavily invested in people, in understanding, in fronting some form of emotional availability even when I was drained far beyond my limits. It took its toll. Every friend I’ve had back then had undergone heinous acts, every one of them experienced severe physical trauma, and I had only experienced the emotional side of it, which I had no hope of explaining or receiving any solidarity of due purely to the fact that I had no vocabulary or real self-awareness to express it. I figured the way I’d be able to process my own trauma was to live vicariously through them while they sorted through theirs. Over the course of a decade and a half, I got really, really good at listening. It wasn’t until I started therapy five years ago that I really began to understand just how thoroughly fucked and unhealthy the things I was doing were, though mostly unhealthy for myself given that my entire goal was self sacrifice in the name of the preservation of others rather than the preservation of my own mind; of my own body. I had compartmentalized everything I had gone through into a nice little corner of my mind. The corner that tells me that any time I voice myself that I am a burden who isn’t worth the time, that I have overstepped my place in this world, that I am undeserving and unworthy of any energy someone would put into me; The Darkest Place.

Those years of therapy combined with a lifetime of self reliance, the emotions I’ve had to process alone, have done wonders to the ways in which I allow myself to show up for people and have given me an “advanced degree of self awareness and higher-than-normal emotional intelligence” in the words of my therapist(s). Still, despite being told by people whom I firmly believe I have a healthy connection with that I am not a bad person, that I am worth the validation, that I have unique strengths that I bring which thereby make me someone people actually want to keep around, I struggle immensely to believe them. Maybe I just don’t believe myself yet. Regardless, the time I spend with someone face to face is always infinitely more valuable and trustworthy an experience than the projections, self-deprecation and doubt which flood my mind in the interim. The gap between when one face-to-face time ends and the next one begins. The Darkest Place.

I frequent the Notification Center on my phone. I obsess over the wording of a message I sent. I begin deteriorating when I send what I deem too many notifications or interact too much during that solitary gap. I have to force myself to remember that the only aspect of anything happening I have control over is myself, that everyone is entitled to their own emotions and that I am prepared and ready to handle any conflict which may come up, though the fear that it will not be enough - that I will not be enough - is a very, very strong one. This is uncharted territory, I am in many ways pioneering a new land, one which I’ve been eager to explore for an extremely long time. I’m scared to admit that, because it means that I acknowledge I don’t know what I’m doing. It means I must fight my engrained urge to plan for the worst, to over analyze everything and to read the subtext which may not even exist, like I had to do with my parents. The fear that nothing is as it seems, that nothing can be taken at face value. I know that everything about this “new land” is built entirely on a foundation of smaller interactions, decisions and observations of how we resolve conflicts and build our lives, and that simultaneously gives me feelings of hope and dread. I can act with the best intentions, I can attempt to be as authentic as I can be in as many situations as possible, though again, the only aspect I can control is myself. The rest is entirely reliant upon trust, something I notoriously have a horribly difficult time building. I want to choose to trust in spite of the screams of that dark, traumatized corner of my mind. I would rather condemn myself to isolation and reclusivity than to unfairly accuse someone of fitting a false projection I’ve formed. I would rather face my biggest fears and have awkward, vulnerable and revealing conversations about difficult topics in the name of becoming a better person, a better partner, a better friend, than to continue to cling onto old habits and defense mechanisms which have so thoroughly fucked up my perception of people and the world as a whole.

I will choose to trust that I have control over myself,

I will choose to believe I have no reason to assume that I am in immediate danger of being abandoned again,

I will choose to acknowledge that I have the ability and desire to handle what may come,

I will choose to trust that the rest will fall into place, without the twisting influence of that dark corner of my brain that assumes I am alone in this - The Darkest Place.

[norahastuff]

penny for your thoughts on salmondean codependency ?

Sure. Fair warning it’s long (was longer but I stopped myself.)

I think it’s complicated in a show that’s had so many different showrunners because they’ve all handled Sam and Dean’s relationship very differently. In Kripke’s era (s1-5) there was a romanticization of the bond. Sure there was a lot of in-depth exploration of how they wound up at the place they were at, spoiler alert: it was all because of John and his obsessive crusade to find the demon that killed his wife. That’s all he cared about and as a result, Sam and Dean had to be everything to each other. But Kripke had no intention of dismantling that at any point because he was (and always had been) writing a tragedy. Gamble continued that too. There was no room for anyone else in their lives and it would always just be the two of them against the world. So Cas had to go. Bobby had to go.

(Actually, it's funny because Gamble didn't intend this at the time, her plan was to kill Cas off, but by Edlund creating the masterpiece that is The Man Who Would Be King, he not only saved Cas from being seen as a villain, but he also deepened Dean and Cas' relationship in such a profound way and inextricably linked the two of them emotionally. And since Cas was eventually brought back, that laid the foundation for a lot of what their relationship would become.)

Up until this point, there hadn’t really been any significant dismantling of perhaps the more unhealthy parts of Sam and Dean’s relationship. Enter Carver. He stripped things down and started to explore what drove these characters. What they wanted and why they couldn’t have it. It starts with Dean being mad at Sam for not looking for him in purgatory, which sets up the whole speech in the s8 finale of Sam’s guilt about letting Dean down, but the thing is, Dean was never honest with Sam about his year away either. He never told Sam he could have gotten out much sooner if he hadn’t stayed to find Cas. I mean Dean had assumed Sam was up there alone doing God knows what to try to bring him back, and yet still he stayed in Purgatory because things were clear there. He needed Cas. Anyway, I just find that interesting, but Cas isn’t a victim of Sam and Dean’s relationship in s8.

Who gets the honour of being cast aside? That would be Benny and Amelia, two characters they introduced in s8 specifically to highlight that Sam and Dean’s relationship doesn’t allow for anyone else to be a significant part of their life. I mean that’s nothing new, we’ve watched that happen many times before. Lisa even said as much to Dean. The thing is this time? It’s framed as a truly sad thing. That moment at the end of 8x10 when Dean has just ended things with Benny and Sam leaves Amelia, and they’re sitting alone drinking beer and watching tv is such a hollow empty moment. This is not what they want. But it’s the way things have to be.

I’m actually fascinated by Sam and Dean’s conversation in the church in the s8 finale. Not so much Dean’s assertion that there is no one else he would put before Sam, but more so what provokes it, which is Sam saying “who are you going to turn to instead of me. Another angel? Another vampire?” See the thing is Dean saying he would always put Sam first is not news. We know this and it’s not really an unhealthy statement in itself either. A lot of people would put their sibling above anything else, not less a sibling who you raised and is the most important person to you. But in this context? After what Sam said? It just highlights how unhealthy they are if Sam believes that Dean having other people in his life means he doesn’t love him enough. That he’s a disappointment to him. That’s so profoundly fucked up.

(Note, Dean tells Sam that he killed Benny for him but he doesn’t say anything about Cas. I think like I said before, this is because Cas and Dean’s relationship has largely existed out of the Sam and Dean stuff up to this point - Sam and Cas don’t even really have much of a relationship yet besides both of their connections to Dean.)

And then from here, things start getting steadily worse. But we also keep being shown how bad they are. Dean lying to Sam, taking away his free will by letting Gadreel possess him. Dean sending Cas away, Kevin dying. It’s all awful. The whole “there ain’t no me if there ain’t no you line” from 9x01 isn’t really said by Dean, it’s Gadreel, but that is how Dean feels. He does think that’s all he’s good for. And over the season we’re shown how much of himself and what he truly wants he’s had to give up because of his ingrained “Save Sammy” and “Sammy comes first” mentality. It’s always been this way for him. In 9x07 we see that he had found a happy home, a good father figure, and his first love, a first love might I add that he had to leave behind with no real explanation because Sam needed him, and Sam comes first.

I mean just one episode earlier we had him rushing out the door elated about seeing Cas and spending time with him, only for their time together to come to sad and melancholic end when Dean once again leaves Cas behind without any real explanation, because despite what he wants Sammy comes first. What he wants doesn’t matter.

See I think after the Gadreel stuff comes out is where the narrative starts to get a little wonky for me. You can clearly see that this was intended to be a shorter story that they ended up stretching out to a much longer one because of renewals. There’s also the fact that this is a formula show so they can’t necessarily be separated for longer than an episode or two. S10 is a rough one to get through at times, I think the themes still mostly hold up but it’s a rough one to get through.

S10 highlights all the connections that Dean has, Cas, Charlie, Crowley even, but Sam doesn’t really have those bonds in the same way.  For Sam it’s just Dean, so he goes down a reckless destructive “do anything to save Dean!” path and so many innocents pay the price, and ultimately with the release of The Darkness, the whole world.

They skirted right up to the edge of exploring just how toxic and dangerous their relationship had become in the season 10 finale.

DEAN: I let Rudy die. How was that not evil? I know what I am, Sam. But who were you when you drove that man to sell his soul... Or when you bullied Charlie into getting herself killed? And to what end? A..a good end? A just end? To remove the Mark no matter what the consequences? Sam, how is that not evil? I have this thing on my arm, and you're willing to let the Darkness into the world.

I can’t say evil is the right word, they were never evil, but they were wilfully blind to everything and everyone else when it came to saving each other. S10 tested my love for the show because after watching it, because there was certainly a feeling that the two of them had become the villains of this story. And don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have a problem with that, it’s just after 2 seasons of this I can’t say I had a lot of faith that this was going to be properly addressed or if we were going to keep going in circles around it. Keep being shown, it’s bad and then nothing much being done to fix it. Your mileage may vary on how it was handled, but I think s11 did a relatively ok job considering it wasn’t the end of the story, and the show needed to keep going.

See from Dean’s side a lot of the codependency rests on 1. His father’s orders to always save Sammy 2. His low self-esteem where he sees himself as nothing but a blunt instrument. 3. His guilt at not being able to perfectly fulfil every familial role in Sam’s life 4. His belief that no one could choose to love him but family has to love you. 5. The unhealthy example of what it should look like to love someone that he got from John. You give up everything but them.

For Sam (and honestly it’s not as clear for me as Dean’s side is so feel free to correct me/disagree on this) 1. Everytime he’s tried to leave and create his own life it’s never ended well. 2. His guilt over wanting freedom and a normal life when he was younger (I’m referring specifically to Stanford era here) 3. His guilt over everything Dean has given up for him. 4. John. 5. Jess.

Ultimately it all comes down to isolation. They both had to be everything to each other, and the deeper they got into this fight, the more people that they lost, the tighter they clung to this notion of family and brothers. I think s11 (and 11x23 in particular) was an important turning point, both for Sam and Dean’s relationship, as well as for them as individuals. Because they weren’t alone there anymore. Cas was there. Sam let Dean walk to his death. Of course, it would devastate him, but he knew it was what had to be done. And he didn’t walk out of that bar and go back to the bunker alone. He had Cas, he had someone who cared about him and wanted to help him and talk to him. Sure Dean asked Cas to take care of Sam for him (you know after Cas offered to walk to his death with him) but Sam let him. He let him be there for him. We didn’t get to see much before the BMOL showed up and blasted Cas away, but still, we saw enough.

I think that’s a significant difference to note why their relationship was different in the Dabb era. It wasn’t just them anymore. Cas was an important member of their family and given a level of importance he’d never been given before and couldn’t have been when the story they were telling was of the dangers of their codependency. Mary was back. Eventually, Jack would become a part of their unit too. Just the two of them wasn’t enough for them anymore. This is made abundantly clear with all of Dean’s desperate attempts to get Cas to stay in s12, followed by his inability to keep going when they lose Cas and Mary in s13. Similarly, Sam really struggles when they lose Jack and fail to get Mary back later in the season.

Another big moment is Dean letting Sam go alone to lead the hunters against the BMOL in 12x22 while he stays back to try and reach Mary. Like he tells Mary, he’s had to be a brother, a father and a mother to Sam and he never stopped seeing him as his kid, but in that moment he makes a choice. He lets Sam take charge and he shows that he trusts him and believes in him. He knows he can handle it.

Sometimes it’s not even a character growth thing. Sometimes having other people there stops you from making destructive choices even though that’s still your first instinct. I’m thinking specifically of 13x21 after Sam was killed. Dean would have run headlong into that nest of vampires and got himself torn apart, but Cas was there to stop him. He was able to make him see reason.

Basically, I think that for a long time, they thought the only relationship they could have was each other, which then became a self-fulfilling prophecy because their desperate attempts to keep each other around led to them losing the people around them. They eventually started to learn that that wasn’t true, they could have more, they were allowed to want more, and that it wasn’t an either-or situation. Dean didn’t have to choose between Sam and Cas. They didn’t have to choose between each other or Jack. The same goes for Mary. Different relationships can coexist without threatening each other, and not say that their relationship in s12-15 was all smooth sailing, but it was certainly so very different from everything that came before.

(There’s maybe a point to be made about how they didn’t have anyone or anything in the finale and how that relates to the story we got, but honestly I have no idea what the intention was with any of the choices made in that episode so I’ll leave it at that for now.)

[downtonabbeyrevisited]

Season Two Episode Two

Following a typically chaotic opener, Episode Two of Season Two strikes a far more sombre tone. The arrival of Henry Lang as Robert’s valet brings the first of this episode’s three plot points that address the impact of WW1 on the mental health of its soldiers. There is nothing funny to say about either shell-shock or suicidal ideation both of which are vast, complex issues that, for my money, Downton Abbey isn’t the vehicle explore in (because they require more time and depth than the pace of the plot in Season Two affords) and it certainly isn’t my place to make light of them in this rather irreverent corner of the internet. So I’m going to have a go at treading a fine line here. Forgive me if I stumble. 

Lang is clearly in the grips of something awful and yet in an attempt to avoid the indignity of having maids in the dining room, he is bumped up to footman duty. He struggles throughout, culminating in him depositing his cargo on Edith’s dress. Mrs O’Brein has firmly taken Lang under her wing, recognising that he is struggling and offers him assurance and comfort that she has never gifted to Thomas. 

Across the Village, Lieutenant Edward Courtenay is in the hospital having been blinded by gas. The use of gas (both chlorine and mustard) had a devastating impact on soldiers in WW1 but was also the root of the development of Zyklon B. Frtiz Haber, a German Jewish chemist, enabled chlorine gas to be used a weapon in WW1 and his research was later developed into the Zyklon process which was used by the Nazis to murder millions, including his own family. This is only one of a dizzying number of appalling ironies to be found in the World Wars but as I said last episode, I’m not a military historian so I’m going to leave it there. Edward had plans to return to the country after his graduation from Oxford to pursue the simple life (although one gets the feeling that his idea of the pursuit of a simple life will still be one that is very well upholstered). Thomas has taken it upon himself to read Edward’s letters to him and  together with Sybil is helping him to adjust to living life with a different set of parameters. But growing pressure on the hospital’s limited capacity means that he is to be transferred elsewhere. All three voice their dissent at varying volumes to Major Clarkson who falls back on the very real backlog of wounded men. After Edward has died, Major Clarkson, Isobel and Sybil talk about a renewed need for the Abbey to become a convalescent home, an idea that has been bubbling under the surface for a while now. Meanwhile, Thomas has been left on his own to process both Edward’s death and the implications of witnessing a lack of support given by his own physician to those with depression.  

The usually reliably jovial Mrs Patmore also has a more somber episode with her pursuit for the truth about the death of her nephew Archie. Robert finds that he has been shot for cowardice. Not only does this mean that her family is in mourning but they will now have to navigate the stigma and undue shame that came with having a relative die in this way. So entrenched in British life was the derision levelled at those who were shot for cowardice or desertion that it was only in 2006 that pardons were offered by Britain for 309 of those that were executed by firing squad during WW1. I know I said I’d leave it there with the military history, but that felt like an important bit of context. 

We are now in 1917 and Matthew is still in the same trench that he was in 1916 (a detail I hadn’t actually noticed until I got the screen cap for this) so it looks like his strategy of downing tools mid-fight and continuously popping back to Blighty for important plot developments isn’t really paying dividends. Perhaps the addition of William to the ranks will help him? William certainly seems to think so and if the speed at which he moves through the various stages of his ‘relationship’ with Daisy is any indication of his tactical prowess, the British Front will not only be well within Germany’s borders but will be breathing down Russia’s neck in a fortnight. In any other episode, this would certainly get the award for oddest relationship dynamic but Sir Richard Carlisle exists. 

Sir Richard makes his debut at Downton, having been introduced in name only in the previous episode. He and Mary met at Cliveden which is a regular haunt of mine, giving me hope that one day I too will from a strategic alliance with a newspaper magnate. He may know how to talk his way around a boardroom but he is lacking in the sartorial department. Whilst Sir Richard manages to avoid catching fire in his tweed, Lavinia is not free from the heat as he threatens her with his connection to her uncle. He may not know much about navigating the niceties of Downton, but at least he has cottoned on to the fact that any major disagreement should occur under a specific tree. Whilst Mary’s signature move is weeping into her gloves, Sir Richard’s is grabbing women by the forearm. A female friend of mine told me that one of her favourite things about the pandemic and the compulsion to keep 2m away from anyone (and not just emotionally) is that she has not been ’steered’ by a male hand on her lower back since 2019. It turns out that she can enter and exit rooms just fine on her own and I get the impression that Lavinia could get the gist of Sir Richard’s rage without the vice like grip of a man probably about twice her age. 

Twinned with the ’tree of emotional conflict’, the ‘platform of romantic uncertainty’ provides the backdrop for Sir Richard’s proposal of marriage to Mary which is a declaration that really feels like it should come with a series of well-formatted charts. Mary’s heart, however, is still very much with Cousin Matthew. After being counselled by Carson in a type of conversation I cannot imagine her ever having with her father, she is on the verge of coming clean with Matthew. But in the second round of Lavinia vs. Mary, Lavinia declares that she ‘could not go on living’ without Matthew and Mary winds her neck in. 

Also having a romantic entanglement this episode is Edith. Drake, previously of dropsy fame, has lost his farm hands and Edith turns up to offer her help in a wildly unsuitable trouser and heeled boot combo. But she soon gets down to it by pulling up a tree stump and flirting in a barn whilst a rather lovely border collie looks on (I’m currently trying to talk myself out of getting a border collie and this incident has done nothing to help things). After showing Drake that she can drink from a bottle like literally every single other human on the planet, the two share a kiss and some highly awkward dialogue that only slightly resembles ‘Carry on Downton’. 

Whilst Edith is more than happy to crack on in a barn, Mr Molesley is much more backwards about coming forwards. Apparently having predicted the creation of ‘The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society’, he figures that a book is the perfect kindling for romance when you exist in a glossy depiction of the past. Sadly neither Elizabeth nor her German garden can lure Anna from Bates who is fast shaping up to be schrodinger’s boyfriend. Anna proceeds to make some odd analogy where she compares Mr Bates to her moon-based child, revealing a rather unhealthy amount of codependency in that particular relationship. 

Romantic declaration of the moment 

Again, it feels like anyone but Sybil and Branson should get this but I am an agent of chaos and here we are. Branson defends Sybil’s will to work and has ample opportunity to see her shine in her chosen field. The admission that she will not be returning to her old life is a little chink of light that Branson basks in. 

Expressive eyebrow of the week 

I nominate Carson’s entire face when he realises that he has taken on too much and goes an impressive shade of red. As Carson frets about spoons, sauce, and something I can’t quite fathom, he starts to resemble a man who is re-arranging the deckchairs on the Titanic. Carson’s battle to get a cork out of a bottle and knocking into chairs is a warm up to his rather dramatic collapse which is accompanied by a pretty disturbing groan. Sybil springs to action and he is soon efficiently ensconced in his own quarters. 

Wait, what? 

“I got a lot done on the train” Clearly Richard was on a train that was unencumbered with the wifi issues that plague the Pendolino.  

“It takes a good deal more than that to shock me.” Mary’s shock-o-meter is a pretty odd instrument. It is unresponsive to corpses of diplomats but goes into absolute meltdown at the notion that she might have to live in a cottage. 

“Let's hope my reputation will survive it.” I’ve not checked (and I categorically never will) but I would put money on the fact that someone has created a rarepair out of this. 

“How can Matthew have chosen that little blonde piece?” Is Lavinia blonde? Women’s hair is not really my forte but I would have thought she was more akin to Tim Minchin than 1998 Justin Timberlake. 

“I believe in this war. I believe in what we are fighting for.” William seems to have a better grip on what all of this is about than I ever did in high school history. The ‘A’ that eluded me is heading his way. 

“I thought he might've died for love of you.” How I love snipey Thomas. It’s good to have him back. To borrow a quote from Bottas (another man who is currently living a life in which his destiny is his own demise) ‘traditions’. 

“Fold it in, don’t slap it” The more season two goes on, the more I think that Moira is just an amalgamation of some choice elements of Julian’s kingdom. 

[eurydicees]

top 10 ouran manga-only arcs

this is going to be such a long post i apologize in advance. the ranking system has absolutely no criteria other than "does this pass my vibe check.” bonus points were awarded if i could think about tamakyo while reading it; points were also awarded every time tamaki did something cool. this was a delight to make. anyways, without further ado, here are my personal top ten favorites, and no i will not be taking criticism.

1. THE TAMAKI EXTRAVAGANZA

(vol 16 chp 73 - vol 18 chp 80)

PLOT:

So much happens here that I couldn’t think of an actual name, and uh does it count as a single arc? Probably not, but I’m counting it as one because it has a single thread: Tamaki. My beloved. So. First, Tamaki finally, finally, finally moves into Suoh mansion #1, but when he gets there, he gets told that he’s only allowed to study the Suoh business and go to school and nothing else— meaning he has to quit the host club. Shizue threatens to out Haruhi as a girl and ruin her reputation— possibly losing her the scholarship— if Tamaki doesn’t break off all ties with her.

The Host Club disbands. Kyoya begins an Investigation™ into Tamaki’s mother— she had been incredibly weak and unhealthy when Tamaki was a child, but when Kyoya met her, she was pretty healthy. After some sleuthing, the hosts minus Tamaki discover that she probably had Bisco Hatori’s fictional version of lupus, which was cured by a mysterious foundation— which they discover was run by the Grantaine family, funded by the Suoh corporation, and actually researched by the Ootori conglomerate. Literally everyone is in on it. It’s fucking wild. Like. Huge “holy fucking shit I need to stop and take a breath” moment.

This information is suddenly released to the public, and then the Suoh corporation all vote Shizue out of her position, saying that she’s no longer fit for the job. She locks herself in her room and refuses to speak to anyone, breaking Tamaki’s heart. But now that she’s no longer top dog, Anne-Sophie can come to Japan— Yuzuru is super hyped and expects Tamaki to be as well, not understanding that Tamaki’s family fantasy includes his grandmother. Tamaki stops going to school and plays piano every day in order to cheer up the house, eventually luring Shizue out to listen to him play their shared favorite songs from J-dramas.

They begin to bond and Shizue sees that he’s not a failure because of his parentage, but it’s too late because Anne-Sophie is about to fly back to France. All is hopeless.

EXCEPT THEN. All of the hosts and all of the clients realize what’s happening and rush to help him get to his mother. They all adore him so much, and give their all into getting Tamaki to the airport. Shizue finally encourages him to go, realizing— with the help of Haruhi— that she has been bitter and selfish and Tamaki deserves better. They rush to the airport, and through a series of shenanigans that are no match for the combined power of the hosts and every single girl at Ouran, Tamaki makes it to the airport. They make it there JUST in time, and Tamaki gets a five minute reunion with his mother. Haruhi finally confesses to Tamaki that she loves him.

WHY I LOVE IT:

oh my God oh my God oh my GOD. Like. This is just. So much. So Much. We all know that I’m like. The #1 Fan of Tamaki Suoh. Like. President, vice president, treasurer, and secretary of the fan club, all at once. I love him so much, and this just gives him so much development. There is so much opportunity for him to grow and you not only really see who he is as a character, but you also see how much he’s grown as a person from his first introduction. You also get more of a glimpse into the world of Rich People, and the way that all of their families interact with each other, and then also with the way that they interact within their families. It’s just such an intense arc and it’s so beautiful and I love it so much.

2. THE SPORTS COMPETITION

(vol 10 chp 46 - vol 11 chp 49)

PLOT:

This one is HARD to rank, because I love it, but it also Hurts. Like. I genuinely cried over this one, though that’s not actually saying much because I cry at everything. So. Here’s what’s up. Tamaki gets into this idea of a sports festival, and then Kuze wanders in to fight Kyoya again, so Tamaki suggests a competition between the two of them. This is a very Tamaki thing to do, but Kyoya gets fed up with it and refuses to participate— until Kuze accuses him of being “Suoh’s pet” and that he’ll always let Tamaki win, and then Kyoya gets fired the fuck up.

But he’s still bitter at Tamaki for starting this, so the two of them stop talking and my heart breaks. This does not stop Tamaki from having heart eyes for Kyoya 24/7. Hikaru and Kaoru are assigned to competing teams, and begin their Very Long Journey into not being so codependent— Hikaru is on the red team with Tamaki, Haruhi, and Kuze; Kaoru is on the white team with Kyoya and Honey.

Essentially, each team goes through rounds of races in different areas that are like. Complete bullshit games, but whatever. It’s Rich People World. The white team gets ahead; the red team performs a scene from a Shakespeare show to rally their losing team together and begins to win, until they’re on even footing. The final race is between Kyoya and Tamaki.

There’s a heartbreaking series of panels of Tamaki just… thinking about Kyoya. I cannot get enough of it. Then there’s an even more heartbreaking series of panels of Kyoya just… thinking about Tamaki. You realize, alongside the other hosts, that Tamaki pushed for this race not really for benefit or fun, but to give Kyoya a chance to compete in something for real, without having to set it up so that Tamaki wins (as we see in the race for the central salon). It’s a chance for him to win and not put his family first. Tamaki still tried his best, because Kyoya would hate him if he threw the race, but he lost because Kyoya fought with the intention of winning for HIMSELF, and not just playing support to Tamaki or impressing his father.

Finally, in the last panel, it’s revealed that the class trip will be to France.

WHY I LOVE IT:

God it burns so good. So Good. The Tamakyo, the Hikaru & Kaoru character growth, the Kyoya development, the Tamaki being so so so good, the Kyoya being so brilliant, everything oh my lord. This is really one of the biggest points of Kyoya’s character development, and it’s the first place I’m going to point to when thinking accurately about who he is as a person. It shows who he is, and who he believes he is, and who he wants to be, and who other people see him as. It’s also just a Tamakyo goldmine, even though they don’t ever actually talk. It’s so beautiful and it makes me cry.

3. THE ORIENTEERING RACE

(vol 14 chp 66 - vol 15 chp 68)

PLOT:

In an attempt to make Tamaki realize that the hosts all love him just as much as he loves them, the hosts sans Tamaki put together an orienteering race. There are six checkpoints, each one with a task to be completed in order to get an ingredient that will make the best meal at the end of the race.

Hikaru and Kaoru play the return of the “Which one is Hikaru?” game, knowing that Tamaki has been able to tell them apart for a while by now; Nekozawa’s checkpoint is a quiz on cursed items, knowing that Tamaki is familiar with Beelzenef; Honey’s checkpoint is a game of whack-a-mole with little mini Usa-chans, knowing that Tamaki isn’t afraid of making him upset over a game, though all the girls are; Mori’s is a sword slicing thing to show that Tamaki will never give up on something; Haruhi’s is a “tell the truth or never pass” kind of thing; and Kyoya’s is a crossword puzzle of all the answers made up of things from previous club themes.

Tamaki pairs up with Konoya— who is in love with him and is the “perfect Haruhi” trope— and realizes that she’s incredibly different from Haruhi, and that he loves Haruhi for who she is and not who he thought he wanted her to be. He also realizes that— because the hosts have gone through all of this for him— they do love him for who he is, no matter what, no matter the bad parts of his personality, and they’re never leaving him.

WHY I LOVE IT:

Look. We know that anything about Tamaki is gonna make me happy. I am a simple woman and so easy to please. This is literally just three chapters about how much all of the hosts love Tamaki and want him to be happy. I cannot express in words how rewarding it is to watch Tamaki realize how important he is and how much he’s loved— because he is loved, he’s so loved, he’s so so so loved. This is also the arc with the building block / building a home metaphor, and it destroyed me both physically and emotionally (vol 14 chp 66). This is where the found family is really solidified, and we all love a good dosage of found family.

4. RACE FOR THE CENTRAL SALON / THE SCHOOL FAIR

(vol 6 chp 22 - vol 6 chp 26)

PLOT:

This is where the anime diverges from the manga, and I have to say that this version of the school fair is just so much better than the anime version. Like. Just So Much Better. Basically, the club is setting up for the school fair, and the best spot to set up— essentially, the spot that will get the most foot traffic form the parents— is in the central salon. To figure out which club is going to get the spot, they all compete in a literal race, both mind games and physical games and it just slaps overall.

The b-plot is that the Host Club is getting threatening letters telling them to drop out of the race, alongside blank papers that are sent with the notes; the hosts have to figure out who is sending the notes and confront it. This is the arc that introduces both Kuze and Yuzuru Suoh for the first time. Kuze is captain of the football team and Kyoya’s rival and also definitely his secret ex-boyfriend. Chairman Suoh is… just. A lot. Just. That’s it. A Lot. He’s A Lot.

Anyways, part of the winning race is capturing this crown that’s hidden on campus, which turns out to be at a swimming pool. The football team gets there at the same time as Haruhi, and Kuze pushes her into the pool and goes for the crown. Kyoya and Tamaki reach her at the same time— Tamaki’s instinct is to go for Haruhi, but Kyoya tells him to get the crown and thus the glory of winning, while Kyoya rescues Haruhi.

Later, it turns out that Yuzuru was sending the blank papers with harmless messages written in invisible ink as a prank to emphasize the literal hate mail that the hosts were getting. The follow up to the race is the actual school fair, where we meet Yoshio and Shizue. Fuck Shizue, not even going to get into that right now because I WILL cry, but just know that it’s even worse than it is in the anime. Yoshio, though, is eons better in the manga than in the anime— he is genuinely proud of Kyoya and says that he actually wouldn’t mind appointing Kyoya as heir.

WHY I LOVE IT:

Volume 6 does SO MUCH for Kyoya and Tamaki and we all know that I’m ride or die for the two of them. Kyoya finally gets a chance to shine as team leader and it’s what he deserves! Tamaki takes a little more of a backseat, which I don’t even mind, because Kyoya does such a good job of pulling attention here. The scene at the swimming pool is just so good— it really shows the huge amount of trust between Tamaki and Kyoya, and does a good job of setting up the relationship they need to have as Rich People, outside of their friendship, which is something that we don’t see a lot of. Overall, it’s a very Kyoya-centric arc, and it does amazing things for the development of his character and personality. It’s one of the biggest insights into how he functions as a kind of mastermind for the club. We also finally get Tamaki’s full-ish backstory, which genuinely makes me cry every time.

5. THE HITACHIIN FAMILY

(vol 10 chp 45 / vol 11 chp 51 - vol 12 chp 53)

PLOT:

So this is technically two plot lines, but I’m going to count it as one because it’s all about the twins, my loves. In vol 10 chp 45, we get a little insight into the life of the Hitachiin family and why the twins are as fucked up as they are. Quick rundown— their parents can tell them apart but pretend not to for whatever godforsaken reason; Kaoru admits he’s in love with Haruhi for the first time and Hikaru remains oblivious; Kaoru begins to realize how unhealthy he and Hikaru’s relationship is and how, one day, they aren’t going to be able to have all of the same things; there’s a cookie metaphor; Tamaki gets lost in the Hitachiin manion; it’s all a good time.

In volumes 11 and 12, we begin the actual split between the twins, where they realize that they can’t stay the way that they are forever. They can’t be one person forever. They realize this in a fight over Haruhi, where Hikaru suggests they “share” her as a sister, and Kaoru rightfully thinks this is bullshit. They get in their first— and only— genuinely real argument. Hikaru breaks down in Mori’s house, Kaoru breaks down at Honey’s place, literally no one is happy and I am crying.

Kaoru asks Haruhi out on a date, and then ends the date by explaining that he could never date her knowing that it would be hurting Hikaru. Haruhi is, understandably, very confused by this whole thing, and no one is telling her anything.

Kaoru then makes up with Hikaru, saying that he’ll give up on trying to pursue Haruhi, but tells him that they actually do need to live separate lives at some point— and that point might as well be now. He wants to break apart entirely, but Hikaru explains that while they need to break apart in a lot of ways and find their own identities, they can never fully forget each other. They agree that they can influence and love each other without depending on each other for a personality.

They keep up the incest ACT at the club, though. Bisco Hatori couldn’t manage to write her way out of that one.

WHY I LOVE IT:

So this one just. Really hits home for me. It’s a genuinely heart wrenching arc, and the progression of the whole thing was just so slow and so steady and it was so well done. The twins are two of my favorite characters in the show/manga, and their relationship is something that I can analyze for days, and this arc is a huge part of why it’s so interesting. It does amazing things for both of them as developing characters, but it does even more amazing things for their character growth as people. It also provides a nice catalyst for the Hikaru/Tamaki/Haruhi love triangle. Anyways, it made me cry and apparently that’s my only criteria.

6. THE FRANCE ARC

(vol 10 chp 46 - vol 12 chp 56)

PLOT:

On the Ouran 2nd year school trip to France, Kyoya decides he’s going to spend the trip searching for Tamaki’s mother, rather than spending it with the other students. He works himself to death trying to find her— he ends up literally falling asleep on the ground because he’s so exhausted from searching and taking literally no breaks. Kyoya finds her eventually, and has a really nice conversation with her— she has a bunch of photos of Tamaki, and clearly is constantly thinking about him. When he gets back to Japan, he tells Tamaki about her— about how beautiful she is, about how she smiles, about how she thinks of her son every day.

We get more of Tamaki’s backstory, and his close relationship from his mother and how his mantra— living life in Japan to the fullest and being as happy as he can be every day— all comes from his mother. She told him that she’s happiest when he’s smiling, and so when he leaves her behind in France, he decides to be smiling every day and make everyone around him smile as well.

While Kyoya is in France, Tamaki stays behind in Japan— he gets closer to his father, who offers to begin to train him to take over the Suoh business. He visits Haruhi, and tells her a little bit about his life in France, and Haruhi’s love for Tamaki begins to make an appearance for the first time.

WHY I LOVE IT:

So I went into this list thinking that this would be my favorite plot, so it’s wild to me that it didn’t even make the top five. It’s kind of weird and I didn’t expect it, but I’m still satisfied with this list. Anyways, I really love this one, even if it’s not the top five. It’s like. The ultimate Tamakyo story, and there’s just. There’s just so much to unpack there. Like. We don’t have time for me to go through the whole thing and analyze every part of it because there’s just so much of it. It’s so good, and it makes my heart grow three sizes. It’s another brilliant development piece for Kyoya, and shows his softer side, as well as just how much he loves Tamaki.

7. MORI AND HONEY GRADUATE

(vol 15 chp 71 - vol 16 chp 72)

PLOT:

Honey and Mori announce that, after graduation, they’ll be splitting up and going to different universities. This proceeds to emotionally destroy literally everyone except for them. Mori is challenged to a series of duels at the Kendo club in which he has to fight every underclassman who wants the honor of fighting him before he graduates. He’s exhausted and worn down, and he loses to a second year, which is bad for like. Honor reasons. RIP. Anyways. He reveals that he’s just been really worried about something but before he can tell anyone, he has to duel Honey. It hurts.

They start preparing for the fight— which Kyoya is capitalizing off of via movie rights and betting rings— and scare everyone that they’re going to never speak again. When the fight comes, they fight on the Windswept Hill™ at Ouran (the same place that Chika and Honey fight on way back when). They go for it and pull no punches, until Honey tries to do a flying kick and Mori catches him and gently places him outside of the boundaries of the fighting ring, thus winning the duel.

Because he won, he pulls out a sheet of paper in which he’s written down all of the things that Honey needs to do in university because Mori isn’t going to be there to take care of him: brush his teeth, cut down the cake by 90%, and stop bringing Usa-chan to classes. Mori felt that he didn’t have the right to tell him these things until they were on equal level because he had won the duel.

They make up and everything is okay— they graduate, everyone cries, including me. Kasanoda gives Mori flowers, it’s all very cute. Haruhi makes cookies, and when Tamaki goes running down the hallway to find her, they bump into each other and drop all of the cookies. While they’re picking them up, they share the classic ~accidental kiss~.

WHY I LOVE IT:

This is one of the only Honey & Mori-centric plotlines that gets fully fleshed out and like. More than a chapter. It really does lovely things for their relationship, and it’s the end of an era. Even though it’s the end of an era, though, the resolution is incredibly satisfying— Honey and Mori’s stories are wrapping up, but it’s really well done. It’s sad, but it’s a really rewarding ending. They’re such sweet boys. Also, it’s not like they’re gone forever, so it’s all okay.

8. REIKO x HONEY

(vol 10 chp 41)

PLOT:

Reiko is part of the Black Magic Club, and falls in love with Honey when he gives her a hand in getting up after she trips over Usa-chan. However, she believes that falling in love with Honey is equivalent to him “stealing her soul,” and so she uses “curses” to steal his soul back. These curses are basically just love spells. 

In the end, Honey tells her to just, like, be herself. Talk about her interests. Get to know him. Be honest. Then she won’t need love spells to make him like her. Even if she messes up or is awkward or says something weird, he’ll still like her because she’s being true to herself. This is one of the only Honey-centric chapters, and Reiko is one of my favorite side characters.

WHY I LOVE IT:

They’re the OG goth x pastel couple. The blueprint for all other couples. Icons. I love them so much. This makes it on the list just because I love their relationships. I also love the whole Moral Of The Story, in that it’s important to be true to yourself. It’s so sweet it hurts.

9. HARUHI AND TAMAKI’S FIRST DATE

(vol 18 chp 81 - vol 18 chp 82)

PLOT:

So. Right after the two of them confess their love to each other, everyone expects them to get together and be a couple right away, but Haruhi is just kinda chilling. She’s not super stressed about dating, it’s just a relief to have said it out loud. Meanwhile, Tamaki is kind of a mess, stressing out over their first date and trying to make it as perfect as he possibly can. Seeing him so stressed, all of the hosts band together to help him out in planning a date. When Tamaki finally gets up the nerve to ask her out, he falls in the fountain and Haruhi has to fish him out. She’s then the one to ask him out to the amusement park.

In true Tamaki fashion, he gets incredibly stressed out again. He gets fashion advice from a series of unfashionable people. The hosts sneak around the amusement park and follow them around, finding out that it’s actually going really well, as long as they’re not interfering. After the Lobelia girls show up and try to sabotage the date, Tamaki and Haruhi run away— while Kyoya Handles™ the situation— and they go to her mother’s grave. There, it’s revealed that Haruhi will be going on an exchange program to America.

WHY I LOVE IT:

It’s just. So cute. Like. I’m Tamakyo for life, but I do adore them so much. It’s lower on the list because of the sheer amount of second hand embarrassment, but overall, I loved reading this one. Tamaki is just so genuine and earnest about everything he does, and I think these chapters do a lot to show why the two of them work as a couple. It also does lovely characterization points for Haruhi, and begins to wrap up the ending. Bonus points for a jealous and heartbroken Kyoya.

10. PRINCESS MICHELLE

(vol 9 chp 38 - vol 9 chp 39)

PLOT:

Princess Michelle comes to Ouran to do a week of school in Japan. After meeting her, Tamaki essentially puts him and the Host Club at her beck and call, doing anything that he can to make her happy, no matter how insanely extravagant her demands are. Everyone else finds this infuriating, until Kyoya points out that Michelle looks similar to Tamaki’s mother, saying that the last time Tamaki saw his mother, she was crying— and if he sees Michelle smile for real, it might help him picture his mother smiling again.

Overall, it’s just a very soft arc that begins to unfold Tamaki’s family-related trauma. It also kickstarts Tamaki’s realization that he’s in love with Haruhi and doesn’t actually have paternal feelings for her (that’s the whole next chapter, but make it funny rather than introspective); and it’s one of the moments that Haruhi realizes that Tamaki is genuinely just a good person.

WHY I LOVE IT:

I wasn’t sure that this one would make the list at all, but I do really love this story. It’s pretty short, just two chapters, but it’s overall really sweet. I like Michelle as a character a lot— she seems a bit like a bitch at the beginning, but she gets fleshed out and given an actual personality as the chapter goes on. It’s a really good example of Bisco Hatori’s writing.

HONORARY MENTIONS:

Mei (character): probably the most significant character in the manga that doesn’t appear at all in the anime, which is pretty tragic, but I think that the anime really wanted to emphasize that Haruhi doesn’t really have any female friends / friends outside of the hosts. But anyways, she’s Misuzu’s daughter and Haruhi’s friend; she’s lowkey transphobic but she’s getting better! Had a brief crush on Tamaki but she ends with being the #1 Tamaharu stan. Great friend to Haruhi.

The masquerade ball: Haruhi's going away party, and the reveal that she's a girl.

Haruhi gets kidnapped: Haruhi is kidnapped and held for ransom, the hosts find her and break down doors to get there.

[lilyginnyblackv2]

Furuba S2, E18 - Thought Post - SPOILERS!

Rin’s backstory. The anime did an excellent job of presenting it and the moments between Rin and Haru were wonderfully portrayed and animated (especially Rin’s general weakness and poor health). 

They also did what I had suspected that they were going to do, which was make the scene a bit more graphic sexually. I’m glad they kept it in, because I like how Furuba shows relationships that are all in different stages and that all move at different paces. 

Though, I am also happy that they still kept the moment between Rin and Haru tame. But, it does make me think that some other (👀) scenes may end up being far less tame. I just keep on thinking about how I need to make sure I have a cup of steaming hot tea ready for that episode, lol.

Anyway, I’m going to be a bit critical for a bit down below, but I still love Furuba a lot and still think that this episode was fantastic in SO many ways. I loved it, please don’t get that wrong. I just have some personal hangups with some aspects of the Rin/Haru relationship (and Rin’s backstory in general). None of this is a dig at the characters nor is it meant to be some anti/discourse type stuff. It’s just my own personal thoughts and feelings on the ship. I’ll put the rest of this post under a Read More though, just in case you don’t want to see anything critical on the characters or ships.

I like Rin and Haru as characters, they aren’t top faves, but they are good characters that I enjoy. That being said, the Rin/Haru relationship is a bit too...possessive for my liking. I tend to find their relationship a bit unhealthy and not really romantic (at least, at this point in its development).

Rin’s feelings for Haru are deep and genuine and very raw, but they also read as extremely co-dependent to the part of it being harmful to her health (more so mentally/emotionally). I do know that, once she begins to heal and starts reaching out towards Tohru, she eventually ends up in a healthy state and her dependency on Haru becomes healthier as well. But it still makes me a bit uncomfortable that her codependency is romanticized a bit or, at least, that is often how it tends to be interpreted by many fans.

Something that sadly never seems to really get addressed though (from what I can remember anyway - I did my full re-read of the series last year - so maybe it does) is Haru’s issues with consent. I know that Rin loves Haru dearly. We all know that, but the way Haru is depicted as engaging Rin with her feelings and emotions doesn’t sit right with me. Back when they first kiss in the woods outside of Shigure’s place, Rin specifically tells Haru not to touch her, but then he doesn’t listen to her and grabs her and kisses her anyway. She eventually “gives in” but that is such a gross “romantic” trope that really just perpetuates aspects of rape culture. The kiss wasn’t consensual.

The same goes for how Haru initiates a lot of the “romantic” moments with Rin. He’ll say things like “he’ll just die” or he’ll guilt trip her a bit “you don’t want me?” kind of stuff. It not so much that he asks her these questions. They are important things to know - like if a person really does want to be with you are not. But more so how he does it. He asks her a few questions like this in a row and with very little time in between them, so there is a bit of a pressuring aspect that happens.

Since we know Haru and that he loves Rin dearly, I know this isn’t coming from a harmful place. He isn’t trying to manipulate her actions or feelings or, at least, I don’t feel like that was Takaya-sensei’s intention with those scenes and moments, but they have elements of that in them. These elements are things that tend to perpetuate aspects of rape culture as well.

As I stated, I don’t think either of these things are intentional at all by either Haru (the actual character) or Takaya-sensei (the manga-ka), but such depictions of “romance” - extreme codependency, “giving into” kisses, and the like have all been normalized as romantic by society over the years, but have some unhealthy and dangerous aspects to them as well.

There is a general possessiveness to their relationship that just personally doesn’t jive with me, but that appeals to some people and that is definitely a “to each their own” type of thing. I also know that both Rin, Haru, and Rin and Haru’s relationship ends up in a healthier state by the end of the series. But, I still just have some personal issues with it. That being said, I do know that this pairing is very near and dear to many, so this isn’t meant to be a personal attack on anyone who ships it or anything like that. Just my own personal views and feelings on it and how it makes me feel.

All that being said, the visuals and just the general directing in this episode were fantastic! I love how they connected the doll from Rin’s childhood, something that reminded her of safety and happiness (in the sense of what she once had) to Haru and how he represents these things to her now. And how they used it in the above image - as a stand in for Rin herself. 

Another simple, but well executed visual moment was this one:

Perfect use of show over tell storytelling to let us know that Rin often didn’t take part in meals with Kagura and her family, and didn’t feel fully at ease in the household (though, due to no fault of Kagura or her family).

They also used the slow motion animation well in this episode. It’s rarely been used before (the only other time I can think of it being used was during Kyo’s transformation sequence) and in both instances it was used correctly for just the right amount. It’s disturbing to think about, but that slow motion really made the impact of Rin’s fall hit. Like, you could feel it.

Rin’s backstory is one that I still have some trouble making a full connection with. Don’t get me wrong, I cried while watching this episode and I cry when I read the manga too, but I still feel like not really knowing what caused her parents to just...snap...like that makes it hard for me to get her backstory as much as some others. Though, I suppose, that could be viewed as Takaya-sensei trying to put us in Rin’s shoes - to make it easier for us to understand the confusion Rin feels towards it all too. And I do like that from a writing standpoint, but from a viewer/reader standpoint it’s difficult for me to truly connect.

And, once again, these are just my own personal experiences and connections with the material and story. I was hoping that the anime might make this element clearer, but it never really did. Though, the scene with Rin and Ren really does seem to imply that there was more going on there with Rin’s parents that some of the other Sohma’s in the inner circle could sense and/or knew about (that Rin simply couldn’t). I just always kinda wished we knew what that was. Though, I do also realize that some people are just straight up awful and that’s that.

I also do think that the way the actual abuse is depicted - especially the moment when Rin thinks about how her parents will be/what mood they will be in as she stands in front of the door - all of that is really well written and sadly horribly accurate. It’s just the Point A to Point B, cause and effect, aspect of the backstory that always gives me a bit of trouble. Anyway, moving on.

The last thing I’m briefly going to talk about is Kazuma in the scene with Rin at the hospital. I’ve seen some reactors wanting Kazuma to do more/speak up to the parents - but Kazuma choose the smart thing in that situation. He didn’t engage in that moment. If he had, it likely would have escalated and Rin, Haru, or both may have been harmed because of that. 

Haru speaks up, but Haru is also a child. The parents view him as nothing. His words slip right off of them. But I feel if Kazuma had said something - another adult (likely older as well) then her parents would have reacted very badly to it. Kazuma stays quiet and is there to provide protection if needed. I also feel he likely engaged in a conversation with Rin’s parents afterwards, likely in an empty room somewhere. That is a very Japanese way of approaching the situation, so as not to cause a scene.

Also! Before I forget! I absolutely love and adore’s Hiro’s mother - I do. But, man, the heteronormativity of that moment with Kisa. u,u 

I also have the (probably unpopular) headcanon that Kisa and Hiro end up dating and getting together with other people once they get older. I just feel like the two of them have the true freedom and choice that the other zodiac members never really, truly had as teens, so I just see them dating for a bit, but ending up with other people later on in life. But yeah, anyway, Satsuki is still cute af tho! <3

Finally, to wrap this all up, that ending scene with Tohru with Rin was where I was hoping the episode would end, and it was just as poignant as I was hoping it would be. I’m looking forward to next week’s episode!

[c-ptsdrecovery]

Humiliation, negating, criticizing

These tactics are meant to undermine your self-esteem. The abuse is harsh and unrelenting in matters big and small.

Here are some examples:

Name-calling. They’ll blatantly call you “stupid,” “a loser,” or words too awful to repeat here.

Derogatory “pet names.” This is just more name-calling in not-so-subtle disguise. “My little knuckle dragger” or “My chubby pumpkin” aren’t terms of endearment.

Character assassination. This usually involves the word “always.” You’re always late, wrong, screwing up, disagreeable, and so on. Basically, they say you’re not a good person.

Yelling. Yelling, screaming, and swearing are meant to intimidate and make you feel small and inconsequential. It might be accompanied by fist-pounding or throwing things.

Patronizing. “Aw, sweetie, I know you try, but this is just beyond your understanding.”

Public embarrassment. They pick fights, expose your secrets, or make fun of your shortcomings in public.

Dismissiveness. You tell them about something that’s important to you and they say it’s nothing. Body language like eye-rolling, smirking, headshaking, and sighing help convey the same message.

“Joking.” The jokes might have a grain of truth to them or be a complete fabrication. Either way, they make you look foolish.

Sarcasm. Often just a dig in disguise. When you object, they claim to have been teasing and tell you to stop taking everything so seriously.

Insults of your appearance. They tell you, just before you go out, that your hair is ugly or your outfit is clownish.

Belittling your accomplishments. Your abuser might tell you that your achievements mean nothing, or they may even claim responsibility for your success. [Ignoring or refusing to celebrate your accomplishments may also be emotionally abusive/neglectful in a close relationship.]

Put-downs of your interests. They might tell you that your hobby is a childish waste of time or you’re out of your league when you play sports. Really, it’s that they’d rather you not participate in activities without them [or they’re jealous of your skill in this or some other area they don’t excel in].

Pushing your buttons. Once your abuser knows about something that annoys you, they’ll bring it up or do it every chance they get.

Control and shame

Trying to make you feel ashamed of your inadequacies is just another path to power. [These abusive behaviors can be harder to recognize in parents than in romantic partners, as parents generally exert some level of healthy control over young children’s lives. The issue is then with the degree of control, the age of the child, and the extent of the trauma caused.]

Tools of the shame and control game include:

Threats. Telling you they’ll take the kids and disappear, or saying “There’s no telling what I might do.” [From parents, threats that they’ll take your belongings or seriously and unjustly punish you]

Monitoring your whereabouts. They want to know where you are all the time and insist that you respond to calls or texts immediately. They might show up just to see if you’re where you’re supposed to be.

Digital spying. They might check your internet history, emails, texts, and call log. They might even demand your passwords.

Unilateral decision-making. They might close a joint bank account, cancel your doctor’s appointment, or speak with your boss without asking.

Financial control. They might keep bank accounts in their name only and make you ask for money. You might be expected to account for every penny you spend.

Lecturing. Belaboring your errors with long monologues makes it clear they think you’re beneath them.

Direct orders. From “Get my dinner on the table now” to “Stop taking the pill,” orders are expected to be followed despite your plans to the contrary.

Outbursts. You were told to cancel that outing with your friend or put the car in the garage, but didn’t, so now you have to put up with a red-faced tirade about how uncooperative you are.

Treating you like a child. They tell you what to wear, what and how much to eat, or which friends you can see.

Feigned helplessness. They may say they don’t know how to do something. Sometimes it’s easier to do it yourself than to explain it. They know this and take advantage of it.

Unpredictability. They’ll explode with rage out of nowhere, suddenly shower you with affection, or become dark and moody at the drop of a hat to keep you walking on eggshells.

They walk out. In a social situation, stomping out of the room leaves you holding the bag. At home, it’s a tool to keep the problem unresolved.

Using others. Abusers may tell you that “everybody” thinks you’re crazy or “they all say” you’re wrong.

Accusing, blaming, and denial

This behavior comes from an abuser’s insecurities. They want to create a hierarchy in which they’re at the top and you’re at the bottom.

Here are some examples:

Jealousy. They accuse you of flirting or cheating on them.

Turning the tables. They say you cause their rage and control issues by being such a pain.

Denying something you know is true. An abuser will deny that an argument or even an agreement took place. This is called gaslighting. It’s meant to make you question your own memory and sanity.

Using guilt. They might say something like, “You owe me this. Look at all I’ve done for you,” in an attempt to get their way.

Goading then blaming. Abusers know just how to upset you. But once the trouble starts, it’s your fault for creating it.

Denying their abuse. When you complain about their attacks, abusers will deny it, seemingly bewildered at the very thought of it.

Accusing you of abuse. They say you’re the one who has anger and control issues and they’re the helpless victim.

Trivializing. When you want to talk about your hurt feelings, they accuse you of overreacting and making mountains out of molehills.

Saying you have no sense of humor. Abusers make personal jokes about you. If you object, they’ll tell you to lighten up.

Blaming you for their problems. Whatever’s wrong in their life is all your fault. You’re not supportive enough, didn’t do enough, or stuck your nose where it didn’t belong.

Destroying and denying. They might crack your cell phone screen or “lose” your car keys, then deny it. [They also break your belongings when “in a rage” and “out of control”... and yet prove they ARE in control by never breaking THEIR belongings in similar circumstances.]

Emotional neglect and isolation

Abusers tend to place their own emotional needs ahead of yours. Many abusers will try to come between you and people who are supportive of you to make you more dependent on them.

They do this by:

Demanding respect. No perceived slight will go unpunished, and you’re expected to defer to them. But it’s a one-way street.

Shutting down communication. They’ll ignore your attempts at conversation in person, by text, or by phone.

Dehumanizing you. They’ll look away when you’re talking or stare at something else when they speak to you.

Keeping you from socializing. Whenever you have plans to go out, they come up with a distraction or beg you not to go.

Trying to come between you and your family. They’ll tell family members that you don’t want to see them or make excuses why you can’t attend family functions.

Withholding affection. They won’t touch you, not even to hold your hand or pat you on the shoulder. They may refuse sexual relations to punish you or to get you to do something.

Tuning you out. They’ll wave you off, change the subject, or just plain ignore you when you want to talk about your relationship.

Actively working to turn others against you. They’ll tell co-workers, friends, and even your family that you’re unstable and prone to hysterics.

Calling you needy. When you’re really down and out and reach out for support, they’ll tell you you’re too needy or the world can’t stop turning for your little problems.

Interrupting. You’re on the phone or texting and they get in your face to let you know your attention should be on them.

Indifference. They see you hurt or crying and do nothing.

Disputing your feelings. Whatever you feel, they’ll say you’re wrong to feel that way or that’s not really what you feel at all.

Codependence

A codependent relationship is when everything you do is in reaction to your abuser’s behavior. And they need you just as much to boost their own self-esteem. You’ve forgotten how to be any other way. It’s a vicious circle of unhealthy behavior. [It is generally caused by poor boundaries. The good news is that you can LEARN to create healthy boundaries!]

You might be codependent if you:

are unhappy in the relationship, but fear alternatives

consistently neglect your own needs for the sake of theirs

ditch friends and sideline your family to please your partner

frequently seek out your partner’s approval

critique yourself through your abuser’s eyes, ignoring your own instincts

make a lot of sacrifices to please the other person, but it’s not reciprocated

would rather live in the current state of chaos than be alone

bite your tongue and repress your feelings to keep the peace

feel responsible and take the blame for something they did

defend your abuser when others point out what’s happening

try to “rescue” them from themselves

feel guilty when you stand up for yourself

think you deserve this treatment

believe that nobody else could ever want to be with you

change your behavior in response to guilt; [for example,] your abuser says, “I can’t live without you,” so you stay

[kindofcashton]

𝕕𝕚𝕤𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕟𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕖𝕕  •  chapter 11  (Calum Hood AU)

THE NEXT MORNING was spent consoling Hannah.  She hadn’t heard from Ashton since the big blow up, which left her distraught.  Whenever they fought before, they always called or texted to let each other know everything was gonna be okay.  But Ashton was radio silent, and so it was my job to make sure my teary-eyed, emotionally wrecked best friend would be okay.

“Michael didn’t even look at me before he left,” she sniffled, rubbing her swollen eyes and pouting.  I winced; this fight had been huge, and spilled over into everyone else in the house.  I could tell Michael was feeling a little betrayed himself, and Luke probably shared similar thoughts.  Calum, of course, I had no idea about.  I only hoped they all wouldn’t hold a grudge against Hannah and make things even harder for her.

“He’ll get over it, Han,” I promised her.  “Trust me.  Once this all blows over you’ll be stronger than ever.”  She shook her head, eyes cloudy and filled with misery.

“I don’t know, Scarlett,” she said in a weak voice.  “It’s really bad.”  I bit my lip, unsure of what else to say.  I didn’t want to lie and say it wasn’t bad, because lying would help no one.  But I also didn’t believe this was the end of her relationship with Ashton.  They could mend the broken bridges between them, if only he was willing to try.  I think time was the only remedy needed, and once enough time passed things could start improving.

We were joined at that moment by Calum.  I avoided his eyes, still wildly confused about how to feel after last night.  He’d shown a deep understanding that he’d never displayed before, and it stunned me.  I thought Calum of all people would relish the opportunity to expose and humiliate me, but instead he chose to respect my plea for distance.  As he sat down next to me, I felt the heat of his body so close to mine and shifted uncomfortably.

But apparently he wasn’t feeling uncomfortable at all, because there was a relaxed smirk on his face.  He nudged his box of frosted cereal towards me.  “Here, have some since I know you’d just steal it later.”  His tone was jovial, causing me to finally meet his gaze.  It was light and innocent, making my brows raise in disbelief.

I took the box and gladly dug my hand in, enjoying the sickly sweet cereal as Hannah distractedly scrolled through her phone.  Calum shuddered beside me.

“I don’t know how you eat it dry,” he told me, pouring milk into his bowl.  I wrinkled my nose.

“Because soggy cereal is disgusting, that’s why.”  My expression was coy as I took another handful, and he rolled his eyes.  I liked the way we could play off each other and actually joke around, the usual tension missing for some reason.  I figured last night probably had something to do with it, but if this was the new normal I was completely on board.

Hannah looked up from her phone.  “Do you have work today?” she asked.  “I was wondering if we could spend the day watching bad movies and eating unhealthy food.”

I pursed my lips.  “Actually, yeah, in an hour.  But later we can totally--”

“No, no.”  She waved her hand, heaving a sigh and staring off into the distance.  “Maybe a little solitude would be good for me.  I’m way too codependent.”

I frowned.  “Hannah--”

“Don’t tell me it isn’t true, Scarlett, we both know it is.  I’m overly dependent on people and you’re obsessed with fixing them.  We both have flaws.”  I blushed a deep red as she exposed our relationship problems.  I felt Calum’s hand still above his bowl as he listened, and I suppressed a grimace.  He had definitely began figuring out just how much I liked to fix things, how I obsessed over little details until I thought it was perfect.  

Hannah pushed her chair away from the table and stood up, shoulders sagging and face crestfallen.  “I think I’m gonna wallow downstairs all day.  You’re welcome to join in the fun, Calum.”  He gave her a small smile as she trudged towards the basement door, and when she finally disappeared downstairs I let out a sigh.

Calum pushed the cereal around in his bowl, frowning thoughtfully.  “You think she’s gonna be okay?”  His question was sincere, and I could detect behind the words just how much he cared for her.  

Rolling my lips into my mouth, I shrugged.  “I hope so.  She’s been through a lot of shit recently, and I’d hate to see Ashton abandon her over it.”  I briefly panicked that I had gone too far, made it seem like Ashton was entirely in the wrong.  But if Calum thought this, he didn’t show it.  Instead he just nodded, finishing his cereal quietly.

I checked the clock on the wall.  “I ought to get ready, I have a bus to catch.”  I closed the cereal box and began to get up, but then Calum reached out his arm to stall me.

“Why don’t I drive you?  I have nothing better to do, and you’re probably really tired of riding that dingy bus.”

My lips parted in surprise, but his expression was earnest.  I blinked a few times, at a loss for words.  He merely rolled his eyes and stood up beside me, leaning in close as he said, “What, I’m not allowed to be nice?”  His breath was warm and I felt my body tense up at the proximity of his face.  But then he pulled away with a smirk to put his bowl in the sink.  I exhaled, fidgeting a little as I considered his offer.

“Fine,” I accepted.  “But you better be picking me up, too.”  I quirked my lips up challengingly, and he chuckled at the counter.

“You’ve got yourself a deal,” he replied.  I smiled before turning to head upstairs, thoroughly confused but pleasantly surprised.  I told myself it was only because I didn’t have to catch the bus, not because a certain curly-haired boy was finally being nice to me.

I got ready fast and joined Calum by the front door, following him out to his car.  It was another beautiful day weather wise, and I sighed happily as we climbed into his mustang.  

“You better not complain about my music,” he warned as he put an old-fashioned tape into the cassette player.  The car was vintage and had all the old features, something I found charming and very much in character with the owner.  Soft guitar sounds drifted out, and I vaguely recognized the band.  I didn’t say a word as we drove off, enjoying the way the music seemed to match our peaceful mood.

I was almost disappointed when we arrived at the cafe, wishing I could keep driving for hundreds of miles with just Calum and his music and the comfortable quiet.  But this was reality, and I thanked him quickly for the ride before heading in.

Mack had realized a few weeks ago how well Roger and I worked together, and decided to schedule us with the same shifts since we had similar availability.  This meant seeing him every time I worked, something the two of us were definitely fine with.

“Did I see you climbing out of a cherry red sex mobile this morning?” he asked innocently, and I choked on the water I was sipping.

“If you mean Calum’s mustang, then yes,” I told him, rolling my eyes at his insinuation.  “He offered me a ride, how could I have said no?”

Roger smiled evilly.  “I know a perfect way you can thank him,” he said, batting his eyelashes.  I flipped him off with a laugh, trying not to imagine all the possibilities he had in his head.  They were surely all dirty and seductive, and thinking about Calum in a dirty and seductive way was not going to help me do my job.

It was a quicker shift today, ending in the early afternoon.  When I had about a half hour left, I began wondering what Calum was up to all day.  I always wondered this; he didn’t have a job, didn’t go to school.  What did he do all day?  Where did he go?  Did he have other friends, a different life away from us?  I could tell he was full of secrets, and my mind drifted to what they could all be when the front door opened.

“No way,” Roger whispered, causing me to snap out of my daydreaming.  Speak of the devil.

“Hey, Scarlett,” Calum greeted when he walked up the counter.  His smirk was cool and his eyes were hooded, and I bit my lip.  “Thought I’d try some of this coffee your always screwing up.”

I scoffed, and Roger shook his head as he butted into our conversation.  “Oh no, she hasn’t screwed up an order all day.  I want to see how long it will last.”

“Hey!” I protested, smacking his arm.  “I didn’t mess anything up yesterday, either.”

Roger narrowed his eyes.  “Debatable.  The amount of whipped cream you put on that poor man’s hot chocolate yesterday was almost criminal.”

I folded my arms at him.  “You can never have too much whipped cream, Roger.”  He just flipped me off and got back to cleaning the display case.  Turning back to Calum, I flushed.  Having him here was overwhelming; he’d stepped into a part of my life that was entirely my own, and I almost felt like he was invading my privacy.

“Do you know what you want?  Should I recommend stuff?”  I didn’t know why I felt so nervous all of a sudden, trying to tell myself it wasn’t because of the deep brown eyes studying me so intently.

“I like the sound of that whipped cream,” he started.  “Why don’t you pile it on top of a mocha.”  I nodded, punching in his order and accepting his cash with a small smile.  He went to sit at a table by the window, and I forced myself not to stare as I focused on his drink.

I’d made a hundred mochas by now, but this one I really wanted to get right.  I made sure to add the perfect amount of steamed milk, and tried way too hard to make the whipped cream swirl as even as possible.  Roger watched me work, clicking his tongue disapprovingly.

“You sure this is the drink that’ll get you in his pants?”  I almost threw the hot coffee on his face, fighting a smile at his stupid jokes.  I approached the counter and called Calum’s name, presenting the mocha proudly.

“I hope this is satisfactory,” I said as he took the mug and raised it in a mock cheer.  I was slightly disappointed when he sat back down without saying anything, but pushed this feeling aside as I finished my shift.

Calum was waiting for me when Roger and I emerged from the back room after clocking out.  My smile was shy and I hooked my bag over my shoulder nervously.  But Calum’s smirk was oddly comforting, and he held the door for me.

“I thought we’d make a quick pit-stop at the grocery store for more beer,” he informed me, and I knitted my brows together.

“Didn’t you just get beer yesterday?”

“It was only a six-pack,” he defended with a laugh.  “And besides, the guys all needed one after the blow up.”  I nodded, understanding him completely.  If I were Michael or Luke, I’d want to drown my worries too.

Roger appeared behind my shoulder.  “Am I invited on this little road trip?”  My jaw dropped, but he cackled and gave me a good-natured shove.  “Totally kidding, go have fun on your grocery store date.”  I almost tripped him at saying the word date, terrified that it would rub Calum the wrong way.  But I don’t think he even heard, and I breathed a sigh of relief as we got back into his car.

“How was the beer I suggested yesterday?” he asked me, one hand on the wheel and the other resting on his rolled down window.  I admired the way the sun struck his profile, the relaxed posture he drove in.  

Licking my lips, I answered, “It was actually really good, probably the best beer I’ve had.  But I’m not that picky when it comes to beer, though.”

He smirked.  “What are you picky about?”  

Smiling at his oddly personal question, I considered my answer.  “Well, cereal, as you already know.  I refuse to ever have it with milk.  Other than that...not much, I guess.  I’m fine with most things.”

Calum thought about this for a second, a distant smile on his lips.  “So you’re just so easy-going and carefree, huh?”

I laughed, propping my feet up on the dashboard to reiterate this point.  “Oh, totally.”

We arrived at the store and immediately went for the beer.  Calum pointed out a few good brands, and I pretended to take meticulous notes on his suggestions.  He picked out a case of the kind I bought yesterday, and we brought it back to the car.

He paused after stashing the bag in the backseat.  His expression was clouded, and more protective than it had been all day.  Clearly his walls were back up, but I didn’t know why.  When he finally spoke, my question was answered, “Want to take this somewhere and crack it open?  I don’t know, the park or something?”  He was scared to ask me this, worried I’d say no.  Fear of rejection, I thought.  Interesting, considering all of his arrogant bravado.

I nodded eagerly, hoping to ease some of his nerves.  “That sounds great.  And it’ll give Hannah more alone time I think she really needs.”

The park wasn’t crowded at all, and we found a nice spot up on a hill a little ways.  The shade of a tree provided us relief from the late afternoon sun, and at our vantage point we could watch the people roaming around below.  I laid on the grass, propped up by an elbow as I watched Calum crack open the beers.  As he handed me one we clinked the cans together in a toast, and when I took a sip I felt all of the past few days’ stress leak right out of me.  The breeze, the sun, the fresh air; it was all so cleansing, and I couldn’t harbor any negativity in such a serene place.

Laying next to Calum, I inspected his face, unafraid of him catching me staring.  I took in his full lips, thinking about all the different expressions they produced.  His curly hair fell across his forehead, and I imagined what it would feel like to run my fingers through it.  His eyes were definitely my favorite feature of his; rich brown in color, reflecting light in the dark depths.  If I could, I would gaze into them all day, just to uncover whatever secrets they protected.  Calum was an enigma I was itching to solve, and every day I felt a little bit closer to the truth.

Just as I thought, he caught me staring.  But I didn’t look away, bravely holding his gaze as he confronted me with a look.  A brief smirk crossed his face, before he took a swig of beer and sighed.

“What are you trying to find, Scarlett?”  The question was innocent, but it set off butterflies in my chest.  I liked the way he said my name, almost like it was music on his tongue.  Blushing, I finally did look away and focused instead on the people in the park.

“Oh, I don’t know,” I responded.  “Just trying to figure out all your little secrets, that’s all.”  Something about the atmosphere had me feeling daring, and I hoped he felt the same way.

He laughed.  “You don’t think I’m doing the same thing?”  We met each other’s eyes for a second, and then he added, “Alright, fine.  You tell me something and I’ll tell you something.”

“How democratic of you,” I joked, and he laid back on his elbows.  I thought about what to tell him, sifting through the multitude of secrets in my arsenal.  Deciding to take advantage of what little bravery I had right now, I said, “Okay, I’ll tell you something.”  He shifted his position to face me better, and suddenly I felt nervous.  But I pushed this away, determined to be honest, no matter how much his eyes burned into me.

“You’ve known something is up about me being home from school for a while now, and you’re right.  I’m not on a break: I had to drop out.”  I paused for a second to let him soak this in.  His smirk faded to a frown, but I pushed on.  “And the reason I had to drop out was because I was stone-cold broke.  I couldn’t pay the tuition, so I had to leave.  And the reason I’m broke is...”  I trailed off, wondering if this was taking it too far.  But I wanted Calum to know this.  I didn’t know why I felt this way, why I trusted him all of a sudden.  But I needed him to know what happened to me.  “My parents both died recently, in a car crash.  Everything went to the medical bills to try to keep them alive, but it didn’t work.  And now I’m here, alone, broke, and...”  I laughed morosely.  “And with no idea what I’m doing.”

Calum’s face fell, his eyes filling with sympathy as he opened his mouth to say something.  “Scarlett, I--”

I waved him off.  “I don’t want any pity.  That’s why I kept it to myself, because I didn’t want to be the poor sad girl with dead parents.”  Already I felt Calum’s view of me shifting, and I only hoped he wasn’t seeing a weak, pitiable basket case in front of him.

He sighed, brows low on his eyes as he seemed to be waiting for me to look at him.  When I finally did, he tilted his head.  “Pity and support aren’t the same thing, you know.  Everyone needs help when they go through something hard, it doesn’t mean people see you as weak or pathetic.”

My mouth felt dry as his words soaked in.  I’d never looked at it this way before, and his fresh perspective actually made me feel better.  I guess I hadn’t really let anyone just be there for me, I pushed everyone away.  Smiling meekly, I said, “Now where were you two months ago when I needed to hear that?”

He chuckled. eyes dancing with amusement.  I liked that even though we were talking about such a heavy topic, we kept it light.  For someone I’d always thought was so brooding, Calum had a gentler side that was exactly what I needed in this moment.

I lightly pushed at his arm, leaning on my hand as I faced him.  “Alright, since I just poured out my soul it’s your turn.”  The anticipation of finding out one of his secrets was killing me, and I bit my lip to contain my enthusiasm.

Calum rested the back of his head on his hands so he was gazing up at the cloudy sky.  His lips parted, and I held my breath. 

“You’ve probably noticed the lack of shit going on in my life,” he started, and I nodded with a small smile.  I was pleased that this was what he was going to talk about; it was what I was most curious about.  “The reason I’m able to live this way is because of the checks my mother sends every month.  She feels guilty for screwing up my childhood or something, I don’t know.  The money is good so I don’t complain.”

This was a lot of information to process.  I’d had a hunch for a while that Calum’s life was more complex than he let on.  It was interesting to hear about his mother and their apparent estrangement.  My fingers toyed with a few blades of grass as I waited for more of an explanation.

“I haven’t actually talked to her in months,” he admitted, sounding a little surprised himself at the confession.  “Not that I don’t...care about her.”  I noted the way he stumbled, avoiding the word love.  “I do, I want her to be happy.  I just don’t think me being around is good for either of us.”

Even though I had an entirely different view of my parents, this made sense to me.  Sometimes distance is the best thing for a relationship.  I was always close with my mother and father, but that was because they’d supported me my whole life.  I had no idea what Calum went through with is mom, or how they ended up so estranged.

I hadn’t realized he was looking at me, expectant for a response, and I blushed.  “Sorry, I just...it’s nice that you’ve found what works for both of you.  So many people try way too hard and just end up hurting each other.”

He smiled, brows lifting.  “Gotta say I’m surprised.  With all of your psychology books and deep analysis I thought you’d try to tell me to reach out.”

Shrugging, I let a smirk twist across my lips.  “I’m full of surprises,” I replied jokingly.  Truthfully, I did think that Calum reaching out would be a good idea.  Maybe not right now, but in the future when he was more mature and ready to confront his mother he should definitely do it.  He deserved to have a mother, someone who loved him unconditionally.  I wanted him to have a family.

When I glanced back over to him, I gasped lightly.  The way he was looking at me took my breath away; it was as if his brown eyes had pulled back all of my defenses and were staring straight into my soul, my thoughts, my body.  A gravitational pull was tugging at my chest, and for a second I contemplated closing the short distance between us and connecting our bodies.  I was sure he could hear my thunderous heartbeat, and I wanted to reach out and feel his own.

His eyes flitted to my lips for a brief moment, and then he whispered, “We should go.”  He rolled over onto his back and sat up, ending the moment just like that.

We were silent on the drive home, but it was a comfortable quiet I found myself sinking into.  The image of Calum’s face, so close and illuminated by the setting sun, was burned in my eyes as I stared at the road in front of me.  I wanted to kiss him.  I wanted to be the one to make a move, to reach over and do what we’ve both been yearning for.  But I also knew how much it would complicate things, and in a moment that was so blissfully simple, I didn’t want to ruin it.

I thought once we got home we’d both part ways and say nothing.  But as Calum parked in the driveway, switching off the engine and engulfing us in total silence, I held my breath.  He was going to say something, that much I knew.  But about what I couldn’t possibly comprehend.  

The interior roof lights cast a thin veil of yellow on his features, and in the small car it felt impossibly tight.  I twisted in the seat, lips pressed together as I waited in suspense.  Calum pushed a hand through his hair, letting the curls bounce above his forehead as he rested his arm on the headrest behind me.

He licked his lips, watching me closely.  “Remember when you said I knew nothing about you?”

I blinked, remembering the night clearly.  I’d hurled the words at Calum in the hopes he’d back off, leave me alone.  Instead he seemed to want to get closer, and now here we were together in his car after spending the whole afternoon together.  “Yes,” I said plainly.  “I remember.”

He looked away, out into the dark distance beyond the window.  “Well, you were right,” he declared, suddenly turning back to face me.  “I don’t have a clue who you are.  But the thing is...I want to find out.”

All of the oxygen had seeped out of the car.  Blood was rushing in my ears, my fingers tingled with nerves.  I felt like I was tilting in the seat, like gravity had flipped and suddenly I was fighting not to float away.  A million thoughts spun through my mind, none of them making sense.  Only one stuck out: I need to get out of this car.

And so I did.  I stuttered something incoherent and slammed the door behind me, practically running to the door then up the stairs to my room.  I tore my jacket off, then my shirt and jeans.  I felt suffocated by the constricting clothes, and pulled on soft shorts and a big tee shirt.  I began pacing across my floor, wondering if I’d just made a huge mistake.  Calum had said something I’d been itching to hear for weeks, without even realizing it myself.  But I couldn’t wrap my head around how we got here.  We fundamentally disliked each other, but somehow we’d poured our hearts out today and crossed into new territory.  I liked the territory, but I was terrified of it blowing up.  All it took was one wrong move for Calum and I to disintegrate, and I was scared of crumbling because of him.

I flopped onto the bed, staring up at the dark ceiling.  The stairs creaked in the hallway, and I felt the door to Calum’s room next door shut.  Having him so close but so far was driving me crazy and not helping me get over my anxiety.  I tossed and turned for what felt like hours, only thinking of him.  His eyes, his lips, his voice.  

Before I knew what I was doing my body took over and brought me to my door.  I twisted the door knob, expecting to walk into the pitch black hallway.  Instead I opened it up and was faced by the exact person I couldn’t get off my mind.

I hadn’t even heard Calum come to my door.  But here he was, clad in only a pair of black joggers.  I could barely see his face but I could make out his eyes boring into mine

I don’t know who leaned in first, but within a millisecond our lips connected.  My whole body reacted to his touch, lighting on fire with every skim of his fingers.  My hands went to his neck, his face, his hair.  I pulled him tightly against me, feeling his bare shoulders and running my fingers across his wide back.

His lips molded to mine like clay, his tongue teasing at my mouth as I breathed hard.  Our foreheads bumped together, teeth clashing and tongues dancing as the kiss deepened even more.  His hands ran along my sides, igniting the skin as he went.  I felt his fingers hook under my shirt, sliding up my skin and causing a string of moans to fall from my mouth.  The sounds only encouraged him, and I felt his thumbs brush my exposed breasts.

Our lips tore apart for a second, and I exhaled lightly.  “Calum,” I murmured against his cheek, and he attached his mouth to my jaw.  The sensation was overwhelming as he dragged his lips down my neck, finding a sensitive spot below my ear.  I couldn’t control my heavy breathing, and my knees weakened as he sucked gently on my skin.  I wrapped my arms tighter around his neck for support, melting into his body like butter.

He peppered kisses across my neck to my jaw to my face, kissing my cheeks before reconnecting with my lips.  The kiss had slowed down, softening into a sweet caress that calmed my racing heartbeat.  I traced my fingertips down his neck, resting finally on his bare chest as we disconnected once and for all.  My forehead bumped against his collarbone, his larger height making him rest his chin on the top of my head.

His hands rubbed up and down my arms, and I pressed a feathery kiss to his chest before leaning back.  I tangled my fingers into his, pulling him back into my room.

“Stay,” I whispered, and I heard him close the door behind him.  I fell onto the bed, pulling him beside me so we laid face to face.  He brought the covers up around us, encasing us in warmth.  I was finally breathing evenly again, sleep beginning to pull me under.  The last thing I felt before I went under was the feeling of his arm hooking around my waist and pulling me into him.

[amwritingmeta]

15x09: Keeping the Faith

Oh Berens. My good Lord. Giving us so much to unpack through such wonderful use of narrative threads! The biggest brightest one in this ep is hope. And you know you can’t have hope without having faith, right? Faith in tomorrow and that there’s a future ahead of you, to be sure, but more than that: faith in yourself. 

If you don’t believe you can bring about that tomorrow or that you deserve that future, then there’s not much hope left to be had in much of anything. 

This episode Sam’s faith is dismantled, while Dean’s faith is tested to the breaking point.

Sam’s fears win out and by the end of the episode he loses hope, which is all well and good since it’s a narrative necessity that shows us what Sam needs most: to find a way to stand up to authority (toxic masculinity) the same way his brother does. 

God hasn’t been any type of John mirror for a long time, and especially when it comes to Sam and father figures, and as demonstrated by many a moment this episode and through previous eps, he’s Dean. 

Chuck has always been a strong Dean mirror, to the point of him, this episode, not only being Dean for Sam, but Dean for Dean as well. 

And he’s a Dean mirror showing us how Dean is done with letting his shadow side, the toxic masculinity side, (the angry side that comes out because feelings are weaknesses that will get him and his brother killed) rule him, which is why Dean’s the one to face Chuck, without hesitation -->

--> telling him that he’s getting the story wrong, because Dean’s faith in himself this episode is poke-you-in-the-eye goodness.

As for Dean’s faith being tested to the breaking point, we get him in a situation where Cas is taken from him, where there’s no real hope of actually being able to find him, or save him, and instead of running around blindly or switching off that clock that’s counting down the minutes, in order to simply stay and keep searching, come hell or high water, Dean doesn’t just try to run to the rescue (the way he was about to with Sam at the start of the ep, signalling those codependent patterns that the episode itself is working to highlight), no, instead Dean’s actually acting from a point of focus, collecting himself in spite of the very real fact that he’s running out of time --> 

--> and not allowing his emotions to get the better of him -->

--> but rather using whatever time remains to make sure he doesn’t repeat that pattern of not daring to open himself up, because honesty is hard and scary, especially when it leads straight to being honest with yourself. 

But putting Dean’s choices in the moments leading into the prayer plainly: he’s not being stupid. Demonstrating how Cas’ words hit home.

*gorgeousss*

And so, thanks to this, instead of his faith breaking in two, he leans into that faith, because he’s put in a situation where he’s reminded of it. He’s in a place where faith once kept him alive for an entire year, urging him on, making him try to reach Cas over and over, every night, without fail, even when there was no reply or even any sign that Cas could hear him at all. 

Dean sends that prayer out in fear of it not reaching Cas, but that fear doesn’t blind him into losing faith, because he repeats his hope three times for Cas to hear him. He’s terrified that it’s too late, yes, he is. That fear brings him so far as to take a knee, because he can’t even imagine losing Cas again and again not actually having told Cas what Cas means to him, the way he’s wished, all those other times, that he’d spoken up; again losing Cas to the anger that’s easier than feeling everything, because of the fear that daring to want and getting to have everything is the same as losing it.

Good Things Don’t Last...

Unless you stop believing that they don’t. Unless you face that fear head on and let it go. Move on from it into something new. Into an actual future. And, you know, a long and happy life. 

And because Dean has faith and demonstrates it in ways that he never has before, because he gives himself over to Cas and trusts him implicitly with something that is so personal I doubt Dean has ever really put words to the thoughts on how his anger rules him and he can’t control it, because the idea of not having control is one that Dean has struggled with his entire life, trying to control everyone and everything outside of himself to avoid even glancing at the truth of how little control he has over himself, because of all this, even though he yet again doesn’t speak up to let Cas know that the last thing he wants is for Cas to have to take on the bloody Mark, by the end of the episode, the narrative rewards him for his bravery in speaking the truth with an interception and a need for finding another way.

And, for me, because of Dean’s ever present need for control, watching him submitting so easily to Cas this episode is such a damn thrill, not only because Dean has always been more the foot soldier than the outright general...

(and that’s not saying he’s not a good leader) (but the leader position was pushed on him from such a young age that it’s literally all he knows) (it’s become such an ingrained part of his sense of identity that he never questions it and feels out of place if it’s taken away from him) (but the truth is that he’s always been very good at doing what he’s told) (it’s just that with John, following orders led him into unhealthy coping mechanisms and a topsy-turvy sense of identity) (while following Cas’ lead means only good things) 

...so not only is it a thrill because Dean gets a chance to have all that heavy sense of responsibility lifted, but also there’s the fact that Cas is a commander of the armies of Heaven. 

Cas marched into Hell, for goodness sakes, and while it’s been necessary and understandable that he’s stayed sat in the backseat for this long because of all the hell he’s gone through since Hell, it’s an added thrill to now watch him step into that role again without hesitation, and this time it’s not because he believes he has the power of Heaven at his beck and call, no, it’s because of his belief and trust in his own capabilities. His faith in himself.

He’s come so far in his self-liberation and this attitude, this is an attitude he’s always carried in him and that’s come out in bursts and sparks and he’s always been able to question, cajole and support Dean as needed, but in this episode his attitude is all about him making that choice to leave in order to break free from feeling beholden to Dean, or feeling as if his entire worth is tied up in how Dean relates himself to him and vice versa. 

Cas left in 15x03 in order to prove to himself that he’s done being taken for granted. Especially by himself. He left to boost his sense of trust in himself and here we’re all reaping the rewards of all these good choices and clear self-insights that are propelling his progression.

And my God, he was epic this episode. 

I hope the attitude sticks. 

*brain c r a c k l e*

Speaking of mistrusting yourself: Sam is battling his sense of mistrust in himself this episode, and it’s big time, most strongly underlined in this moment -->

--> when he reacts to Dean standing up to Chuck with relief and gratitude, because he needed Dean’s conviction to act as guide, and I know the brothers switch positions on this attitude and have so been doing throughout the series, but the fact of the matter remains that Sam’s now the one holding onto the codependency for a sense of self in ways that Dean, to my mind, isn’t anymore.

And that’s what Sam’s journey through this episode and his glimpses of Chuck’s future - Chuck’s ending for them - is all about.

Because it isn’t Dean holding onto the Blaze of Glory ending, it’s Sam. It’s Sam with a death wish, pulling Dean with him because how could Dean ever let Sam go and die all by himself? Of course he can’t.

This -->

--> is Sam emotionally manipulating Dean into being his support system, even when Dean has no desire to, and sees no purpose in going on at all. 

And this -->

--> is Sam showing that he knows as much. A moment of hesitation, a moment of considering whether he’s willing to risk Dean’s life as much as his own, and then choosing yes, he’s willing, and this bad choice sealing their fate. The codependency ending up with them as monsters, ie. consumed by their shadow sides. No inner balance to be had. No happy ending.

I find it intriguing that, in Chuck’s vision of the future, Dean doesn’t have a death wish, but there’s no fight left in him either. 

He’s done (the same way he was done in the epicness that is Advanced Thanatology of S13 brilliance) and he states that they’ve lost. Meaning they’ve lost everything. Meaning there’s nothing left to fight for. Because Dean’s broken away from seeing Sam as his begin all, end all, whereas Sam still can’t find his way out of their pattern of behaviour and his own dependency on Dean, and this is the thing, isn’t it?

Because this is what our view of Chuck’s future is underscoring. And to great effect, at that!

The repeat pattern that Chuck created for them, the repeat pattern that is the only way Chuck can see this ending, the repeat pattern that Sam knows and trusts and is having trouble breaking out of, this is the very thing that hopefully (I can’t see how they wouldn’t use it at this point) will bring about Chuck’s defeat. 

Chuck is stuck in seeing the brothers this certain way and he can’t imagine that they’d break out of this pattern and actually make choices that go against the codependent behaviour. That they’d grow out of it and into new and healthy ways of coping. That they’d begin to actually find their own individuality and without losing the love they hold for one another, still find purpose away from one another.

Sam’s mistrust in himself, his doubt that he’d actually be strong enough to withstand corruption this time around, is blinding him from seeing how he can choose a different future for himself. It’s keeping him from stepping up and being wholly defiant, the way Dean demonstrates with Chuck, because Sam is still allowing his fears to rule him.

The one truth Chuck actually speaks that adds proper stakes to the already raised stakes in fighting God: he maintains the balance and if they lock him away or destroy him, the balance will shift and darkness will take over.

This is the truth that, I believe, hits home for Sam, and is meant to, and with Sam in the state he’s in, still relying on Dean to lead, the mere idea of losing Eileen, and Dean losing Cas, presents too great a risk if Sam goes through with Dean and Cas’ plan, and it’s brilliant and narratively necessary and gorgeously built up to, because in losing hope Sam not only ups the ante in terms of threat as God is released, he brings about the moment when it’s time for Jack to return and he stops Cas from, yet again, willingly sacrificing himself, which, if he had been allowed to, would’ve only served to ensure he was sticking to old patterns within his individual arc, as well as his well-worn pattern with Dean and their joint arc, where, whenever Dean has opened up, or begun to, Cas has in some way or other disappeared from his closer vicinity.

Pattern at least beginning to be broken. *fingers crossed that it sticks*

And what Sam’s fear isn’t allowing him to see is the fact that Chuck’s truth isn’t The Truth. It’s not the only way something will begin or end, because they’ve already proven this, by moving away from the ending Chuck had set up for them in S13. 

There is always another way. A better one. 

It’s time.

[graffitibible]

Building ocs to complement the characters like that is an absolute galaxy brain move, are there any specific ones from starry eyed??

thank you!! and yes, all the most prominent ocs in starry-eyed (i.e. the other two crews he had prior to the fab four) were built to complement or highlight some aspect of jet. i’m not sure how well some of them came across but they were all meant to correspond to or develop a trait of jet’s.

doublestar signifies jet’s relationship with assertiveness. he’s not a super assertive personality by nature (he tends to be drawn to people with a lot of conviction and external confidence, like dust devil and party poison) but some of that has to do with his upbringing. he wasn’t really encouraged to figure out his own relationship with leadership because doublestar was a very “i take charge and you do what i say” personality even if it was with benign intentions. it’s in part because of doublestar that jet has a lot of doubt about making his own decisions for himself and feels more comfortable following someone else’s lead, and also one of the key reasons he puts so much weight on himself to always perform well. she complimented him a TON for the things he was really good at and she did this with good intentions - he’s a great sharpshooter, he’s a fast runner, he’s got excellent instincts for survival. but because jet’s a heavy internalizer, he took all that to mean “oh, i have to perform those things ALWAYS and it’s my direct fault for things that go wrong in those areas because I’m The Best At Them Like Doublestar Said.” so for all that doublestar did her best to prepare him and her group for desert life, she didn’t excel at that in every respect lol

coma doze represents a humor, impulse, and lust for life that jet didn’t really allow himself to have, even as a kid. coma chases emotional highs; jet never allows that for himself. jet’s own enjoyment of something is literally always the last thing on jet’s list of priorities. coma’s a much more lighthearted, spur of the moment kind of guy than jet ever allowed himself to be, and also incredibly pathos-driven. coma’s willingness to throw himself at the fight taking place in the analog wars has more to do with a need to do something with himself than any genuine investment in the struggle taking place. those moments where jet says “fuck it” and does something stupid (like charging a scarecrow while he’s completely alone and without backup for example lol) come from a similar place. most of the time coma’s willing to let his emotional high dictate where he ends up without considering the why or how or the aftermath of it. this is meant to be a clear contrast to jet, who even at his angriest and stupidest, has a reason for doing what he does. he sees a scarecrow, he’s overcome with anger and frustration and a willingness to avenge his friends - but even in that state of heightened emotion he still has a moment where he weighs the risks of the action before he decides to take it.

nova cane indicates jet’s skewed priorities and his sense of strategy, which ties into the above point, as well as his familial mindset and loyalty. that moment before he does something stupid or does something big where he checks himself and weighs the risks of it, that’s something that i wanted nova to represent. nova’s the voice of dissent when coma wants to charge in guns blazing and try and turn the tide of the analog wars, because she’s got the presence of mind to note that two people aren’t going to change the landscape of an entire war. and yet she’s also the person who doesn’t register that she’s been shot because she’s too busy fucking up the dracs that fucked with her crew. the risks to herself don’t sit on the same level as the risks to the crew as a whole, which probably seems pretty familiar since jet’s very much the same way. the risks he takes when it’s his own life on the line are significantly greater than the risks he’s willing to take when it’s the well-being of the group that’s put in the crossfire. nova was there to vocalize and highlight that a little since it’s not something that jet ever sat down and verbalized to himself, and not necessarily something he’s even aware of. it’s a little more evident when it’s someone else falling into those same patterns because that’s less subject to the inherent biases of jet’s pov.

nine-volt rocket was there to highlight jet’s tendencies for codependency. there are a lot of instances in part i where rocket was having a hard time (both physically and emotionally) and jet helps them out with basically no prompting from anyone. a lot of the “nurturing” (read: self-sacrificial) instincts jet picked up early in life have to do with rocket and this notion of “other people have it worse than me so i have to push myself to help them out since i don’t have it as bad” which is categorically not true but jet has a piss-poor conceptualization of his own limitations because of it. he always prioritizes other people above himself, and part of that is because for as long as he can remember, he’s kind of had to do that. of course the idea that he “has” to do it is more or less manufactured. no one asked him to take care of rocket or anything. he internalized the idea that he’s the “most capable” person in the group and so assumed that the responsibility fell down to him and because it tied into the “survival of the group” mentality, no one questioned it.

dust devil is one of those assertive personalities that jet’s drawn to. they’re representative of some of the early germs for the sense of justice that would later drive jet and by extension the fabulous four. dust devil’s aware that some things in the world are very broken and really wants to fix them but ultimately his plan to do that comes down to “break shit very loudly and raise hell doing it” which made for great catharsis but not much in the way of tactical warfare. because jet didn’t have any great stake in the analog wars other than the loss of nova and coma (which more came down to both of them being in the wrong place at the wrong time), dust devil was pretty necessary to introduce that element of “this affects everybody in the desert and you should care about it.” also on a less serious note dust devil existed to make it evident that jet’s Very Gay. i write the fab four as a family unit more than anything else so writing romantic interactions within the group doesn’t super jive with me. but i wanted it to be apparent that jet’s a dude who likes other masc-aligned folks so that’s what that whole mild panic over dust devil planting one on him came from.

fever queen is another character that highlighted jet’s self-sacrificial and codependent tendencies, and this was meant to call to light just how unhealthy they were. queen likes to vent to him and doesn’t really take into account how jet feels about these things - it’s a surprise to zir when jet chimes in because what queen really wants is a blank wall to throw things at so ze can get it out of zir system. queen also has this innate cynicism that’s supposed to counter jet’s own mindset - ze doesn’t think that any efforts to fight back against BLi are worthwhile and are ultimately doomed to fail, but sticks with the group out of necessity. while jet’s not so optimistic to feel like he can singlehandedly tip the balance of a desert-wide struggle, there’s a reason that he’s drawn to the idea of hitting back against better living, and that’s because of the sense of justice i touched on in the point above. queen was also meant to indicate that jet’s ultimately a pretty extroverted person, despite how nonverbal he is. he gets his energy from other people. queen similarly wants to be surrounded by other people, even if ze doesn’t believe in what they’re fighting for, and that’s something jet can relate to.

haywire is a natural exaggeration of jet’s self-destructive tendencies, and is also meant to indicate that a lot of those tendencies stem from a fundamental sense of self-loathing. haywire is dying and knows it. she doesn’t give a fuck about long-term survivability. she hurls herself headfirst into every firefight and when it isn’t charging straight into every clap she runs across, it’s out and out baiting people into fucking with her. jet might not be dying but he’s got a similar mindset. he’s super willing to put himself in the line of fire because he thinks nothing of himself, thinks nothing of the worth of his own life. his self-destruction isn’t big and flashy the way it is for haywire or someone like party poison or fun ghoul, but it’s very much present nonetheless. there’s that moment where haywire basically begs jet to kill her because she’s got a lungful of poisonous gas and she’s dying in a very slow and painful matter, and jet refuses. this is supposed to be a demonstrable contrast to how jet indulges his own self-destruction at the end of part ii. he’s not the kind of guy to put a gun to his own head, but he’ll wander the desert until he dies. he’ll entertain the idea of waltzing into battery city or out into the remains of zone seven just to see what happens. it’s a passive self-destruction as opposed to haywire’s active self-destruction, but that doesn’t make it any less retroactively horrifying that he and haywire are so goddamned casual about how willing they are to Fucking Die.

100% titanium is maybe the most obvious. they gave jet a “voice” in a sense because while jet’s a primarily nonverbal dude, titan was entirely nonverbal due to injury. but even before jet started picking up sign language from them, he got them in a way that not a lot of the other members of the group did, with the exception of raya. titan was there to make it a little more obvious that jet’s actually extremely good at reading other people’s body language and communicating nonverbally. he doesn’t need words to make his point and other people don’t need to spell out their points to him when he can pick most of the big points from the little things - how they stand, how fast they’re talking, how much they’re moving, their expression, etc. titan’s easily one of the characters in part ii that jet has the closest and best relationship with, and i also wanted a character to emphasize that jet has a massive capacity for a genuine love and warmth. some of his most genuine moments in part ii come from his interactions with titan.

mantarraya is meant to represent jet’s faith. she was initially there out of necessity - there was this nonverbal character that no one else would logically be able to understand, so mantarraya was there to streamline that. but more than that, i needed someone to remind jet of the faith he kept back in part i since queen was an outright nonbeliever and neither haywire nor devil were all that devoted to the idea of the witch. so raya believes in the witch, she believes in destroya, and she’s hopeful that she’ll see the latter raze battery city in her lifetime. for her, her faith takes the sting out of the inevitability of death - the witch will take care of her once she eats it, so it’ll be okay. jet doesn’t have that same confidence, in part because he pours so much of himself into others rather than into himself. so much of him wants to shut down and stop but he refuses to indulge that because other people need him. maybe the witch will take care of him, but he won’t be there to help of everyone else who needs him, and what’s worse is he’ll be helpless to stop whatever happens next. it was that existential fear that raised its head toward the end of part iii, because he hadn’t really taken the time to confront it until then. 

[theeeveetamer]

What's all the discourse of Dimidue being unhealthy and racist coming from?

You know Anon, I’m not really sure. I usually try to disengage with areas of the fandom that piss me off or annoy me because they’re just not worth my time.

From what I can tell? It’s a bunch of people that didn’t even play Azure Moon, or didn’t bother to get any of Dedue’s supports. That, or people who are applying real-world standards to a fictional universe.

So... Even though I hate this here’s my opinions on it all.

Dimidue is Racist:

I’ve seen people mention that Dimitri only saved Dedue out of some “white guilt” complex but that’s really not the case. White guilt is not a concept that exists in Fodlan. You know why? Sylvain explicitly states that prior to the Tragedy of Duscur (only four years ago) the two countries actually got along quite well. Racism between the people of Duscur and Faerghus is a very new thing, that resulted directly from the murder of nearly their entire royal family, and the retaliatory massacre. Which, fun fact, the former is not an idea that Dimitri subscribes to. He explicitly states that he knows the people of Duscur aren’t responsible, that’s probably at least part of why he saved Dedue (he was saving an innocent man).

Perhaps they’re confusing Sreng and Duscur as the same thing, because the people of Faerghus haven’t had a great relationship with the Sreng people? NGL I was kind of under that impression at first too since the game never lets you sit down and really look at the map... But they’re not, the library/wiki explicitly states that Sreng and Duscur are completely different peninsulas. If you look at the map of Fodlan, Duscur is explicitly stated to be part of what is now Kleiman territory, pretty far west and not at all attached to Sreng.

So the only conclusion I can come to is... It’s because Dedue is black? News flash guys... A black person and a white person being in a relationship isn’t inherently racist. Not by today’s standards, and definitely not in a world where the historical racism and prejudice simply doesn’t exist.

Now you’re applying real world history and standards onto a completely fictional world and characters. Also why the fuck would this Japanese game give half a shit about American sociopolitical and racial issues?

Dimidue is unhealthy:

As for it being unhealthy... I guess that’s because it’s a lord/vassal relationship. But frankly I refuse to take those people seriously unless they have exactly zero problematic ships of their own. I’m not shitting on these ships, like whatever you want to like, but don’t be a hypocrite about it and don’t take a shit all over someone else’s ship because it just makes this entire environment toxic.

Power imbalance? That applies to basically every lord character/anyone ship, or any noble character/commoner character ship. So sorry guys, you’re not allowed to ship Edelgard or Claude with anyone anymore. Byleth either, for that matter! S/he was these kids professor that is so many shades of power imbalance I can’t even. Leo/Niles was a lord/vassal relationship, guess you can’t ship them. Chrom has to be single for the rest of his life, sorry ladies.

It’s codependent? I mean, Dimitri and Dedue have a bit of, codependent dynamic. Here’s the important thing though: They can exist without each other. Dedue has several endings in which he decides to leave Dimitri’s side, and Dimitri lets him go with a smile. They’re two people that have been traumatized in a very similar way, and they use each other to get through it. That’s not necessarily unhealthy... That’s literally the entire purpose of group therapy.

You could argue that Dimitri goes crazy when Dedue dies in Azure Moon, and that proves that they’re codependent... But wouldn’t you? Someone you explicitly find “irreplaceable and cherished” just died, on top of the deaths of your entire family and the humiliation of being stripped of your power and being forced to live in the slums. Like dude, just thinking about my mom or dad dying in the future has me in tears. And I’m not even that close to my parents. Thinking of my cat dying has me in fucking tears. I had a nightmare where I had to mercy kill the little guy and I was fucked up for days. Think of it like that, and yeah Dimitri going crazy with grief is really not that codependent.

Dedue is only following Dimitri because of a life debt? Not really. There’s nothing about Dedue or Dimitri that implies that he couldn’t leave or be dismissed at any time. Not only that, but Dedue doesn’t really have any reason to leave. They have explicitly stated shared goals. Dedue doesn’t just follow Dimitri because he saved his life, he follows him because they have the shared ambition of clearing the people of Duscur of guilt. That, and Dimitri explicitly states that Dedue has probably saved him (emotionally) far beyond whatever he did for Dedue.

Dedue will blindly do whatever Dimitri wants, including but not limited to killing innocents and children, or getting himself killed in his place? That’s fucked up, sure, but keep in mind... Dimitri never orders him to do any of that shit. Because he wouldn’t. Because he’s, at his core, a massive bleeding heart and Dedue knows it. In fact, he does the exact opposite of ordering Dedue to die in his place. He begs Dedue to go on living without him.

Dimitri is mentally ill? Don’t even get me fucking started. I don’t need to write an entire post to tell you that mentally ill people are just as deserving of love as any other human being alive.

[deliasbabe]

Cordelia x Elliott Ask Game

Based on questions that have been submitted/ ones I made up. I used their realtionship in “The Thing About Timing”.

If you have any more questions send them my way!!

1. Who is the most affectionate?

Cordelia all the way. For the most part it’s subtle, especially when they are in front of the other students. She’ll brush a lock of hair behind Elliott’s ear or casually touch her arm or back, just something to let Elliott know she’s there.

When they’re just around the council or by themselves she’s CONSTANTLY touching her tho, especially if she’s slightly tipsy. She loves holding her and kissing her head and hugging her. She’s always the first to say I love you and to give compliments. Grade A mom.

That’s not to say Elliott isn’t affectionate, because she is, she just isn’t used to affection of any kind. She’s not as touchy, more the words of affirmation type. She rarely gets scared, but when she does she shifts a little closer to her mother and slips her hand into Cordelia’s. It’s subtle, but it’s enough. And on her particularly rough days she has no issues crawling into Cordelia’s arms.

2. Most common argument?

Ok, they rarely actually argue, it’s mostly bickering/banter, but when they do argue it’s about trust. Always, without a doubt. THEY BOTH HAVE TRUST ISSUES OK? It’s usually a pointless argument, and 99% of the time neither of them have actually done anything wrong.

3. Nicknames? & if so, how did they originate?

Ok, so hear me out, it was really difficult for Elliott to commit to calling Cordelia “mama”. Like, really hard, because everyone she’s ever cared about (except for David) has died on her, and she thinks she’s cursed (lol). But she had been referring to Cordelia as “mama” in her head (despite her trying to not get attached) since before Cordelia even asked to adopt her, and it started to slip out. But she firmly decided to just say fuck it and stick with it when she was in the hospital because she knew she was screwed either way.

Now, Cordelia has always been a big fan of pet names. She often calls the girls “sweetheart” or “honey” but that’s usually the extent of it. But it just felt so natural with Elliott. At first she was careful with the nicknames because she didn’t know how Elliott would respond, because in the beginning Elliott revolted against any kind of affection. But once they got comfortable she started referring to her as “baby” and “love”, and when Elliott is particularly upset or anxious it’s always “babygirl”.

4. Who worries the most?

The easy answer is both. In the beginning, Elliott was always worried about being sent away or things falling apart, and Cordelia was worried that she was being a bad mother. Now, Elliott is more comfortable and less worried, but Cordelia’s fears are still the same, and Elliott now has taken on worrying about her mother worrying too much.

5. Who needs more assurance?

Cordelia. She’s overly anxious and terrified that she’s going to end up like Fiona, and Elliott seems to be the only one that can set her straight. I will say that Elliott definitely needs more assurance than she gets, but the only reason she doesn’t get it is because she likes to internalize a lot and refuses to talk about her own emotions.

6. Do they have inside jokes?

Elliott is a big jokester, so of course they do. She thinks it’s hilarious when she swears and Cordelia goes “Language, missy”. It’s become a thing, and Elliott now has learned to do it on purpose when things are particularly tense just because it will make them both laugh. Cordelia is fully aware of this and plays along, mostly because she knows not every battle can be won.

7. When did each person realize they loved the other?

Cordelia realized it when she started going out of her way to make Elliott more comfortable and happy. She got Elliott to smile once and from then on it was her mission to make Elliott smile as much as possible. She still was in denial about it for a while tho, mostly because she thought Elliott would never be hers.

Elliott was also in denial, for a much longer period of time. But truthfully she realized it after she ran away the first time, when her and Cordelia were in the burger joint and it all seemed so easy. She felt like she could tell Cordelia anything, and that scared her.

8. Is there any habit or thing in Elliot that makes the rest think 'oh shit she really is Delia's daughter'?

The facial expressions, hands down. They both bite their lip when they are nervous and crinkle their noses when they are hyper focused on something.

9. What do they love most about each other?

Cordelia loves how loyal Elliott is and brave. As much as it makes her worry, she admires how Elliott would willingly take a bullet for those she loves. She also is in awe of how Elliott has this way of making everyone feel like their pain is valid, even though she’s definitely been through much worse.

Elliott loves just how caring and vulnerable Cordelia is. She loves how she sacrifices endlessly for her girls. She loves how she gives and gives and doesn’t expect anything in return, and she especially loves how Cordelia believes that everyone is good, not matter what they may have done, and she constantly believes in them, even when they don’t believe in themselves.

10. Something silly they keep from each other?

Elliott HATES having her picture taken, so Cordelia has to sneak pictures of her whenever possible, and the rest of the girls do as well. She’s got an entire locked drawer in her desk full of pictures she’s planning on putting in a scrapbook. Elliott’s adoptive parents also let her keep the girls hospital bracelet from when she was born.

Now Elliott stumbled on an old Polaroid of Cordelia from college, and she looks almost exactly like Elliott. So Elliott may have snagged it and keeps it in her drawer with all her special things from her childhood. Oh, also, when Cordelia leaves for extended periods of time and leaves Elliott at the coven, Elliott sneaks one of her shirts to wear to sleep because it smells like her and she misses her.

11. Who’s the first to notice when something is off with the other?

Elliott. She’s been conditioned to notice even the slightest of changes in people’s behaviors and attitudes, and Cordelia has a shitty poker face. She’s good at telling when something is off, but because of the way she’s grown up she usually can’t figure out exactly what, and she always assumes she herself has done something wrong.

Cordelia is pretty good at recognizing it too, but she’s still learning. Elliott is complicated and a pro at hiding her feelings, so Cordelia has to focus more on her body language. A big tell is if she pinches the bridge of her nose, because that always means she’s either exhausted or totally stressed out.

12. What do they do when the other is upset?

When Cordelia is upset, Elliott likes to make Cordelia talk about her feelings, make her feel better, then distract her with a joke. It works like a charm.

Now Cordelia knows Elliott isn’t one to talk about what’s making her upset, so if she can’t pry it out of her, she settles for some quality time just to let Elliott know she’s there and that the girl is so so so so loved.

13. Do they have more of a “mother-daughter” or “best friend” type of relationship?

Both. Like I said, there’s very little they argue about, and Elliott is at the age where she’s developed her own sense of right and wrong. She doesn’t need “parenting” in that sense. But emotionally it’s more of a mother-daughter bond, because Elliott was missing the emotional connection for most of her life. But Elliott tends to be impulsive, and she doesn’t really have a good sense of her own personal safety, so sometimes Cordelia needs to set her straight. So they tend to do everything together like best friends, but when Elliott needs a mother, Cordelia doesn’t hesistate to step in.

14. Who gives better advice?

I’m going to say both, but in different ways. They are two sides of the same coin. Cordelia is better at reflecting on things, and Elliott is better at dealing with in the moment things. Hence why Elliott helps Cordelia deal with her feelings about Misty, and Cordelia helps Elliott heal from her past.

15. Do they have a typical parental relationship?

No. They sort of parent each other? Elliott tends to be the more rational one, the one who is better in a crisis, whereas Cordelia tends to deal better with the emotional stuff. Cordelia helps Elliott figure out her feelings, and Elliott helps Cordelia when she can’t think straight.

16. Is anything about their relationship toxic/unhealthy?

Yes and no. Their realtionship is complicated and intense, and they kind of are codependent. They’re stronger together, for sure, but they aren’t sure how to function without each other, which can be dangerous.

17. Who’s more protective?

Elliott. She sees Cordelia as vulnerable because she cares so much, so she does her best to protect her.

Cordelia does her best to protect Elliott from the evil of the world, but Elliott doesn’t really need protecting, and the things she does need protecting from, Cordelia really can’t do much about.

18. Who has the worst temper?

Surprisingly, Cordelia. Elliott is able to rationalize pretty much anything, so she doesn’t get angry very often, if at all. Cordelia is more emotional, and while she still doesn’t get angry much, she’s more likely to fly off the handle.

19. Who’s more likely to start a fight?

Always Cordelia. Elliott will do absolutely anything to avoid an argument, considering how she grew up. She tends to burry everything and just move along to not cause trouble. Only issue is Cordelia knows this, and she tends to push until Elliott explodes.

20. Who’s more likely to apologize after a fight?

It’s usually 50/50. It depends on what the fight is about. If Cordelia starts a fight because Elliott is upset and not saying anything, Cordelia is the one to apologize. If Cordelia is upset, Elliott apologizes.

[cuddleslutloki]

2018 fics, a year in review

i’m a madman, but even my crazy ass probably won’t finish and post another fic in the last 6 hours of 2018, so here are all the fics i posted on ao3 this year, plus some thoughts on each!

Hemlock Honey and Silver

this was my last ever supernatural fandom fic. literally the end of an era for me since i was in the spn fandom for so damn long and wrote so much fic, about two-thirds of which has been orphaned on the archive at this point because i didn’t like the stories anymore lol. 

i do like that one, though, and i’m actually alright with it being my last ever spn/destiel fic

Fire In Your Veins

this was my first time posting thorki fic! i was so, so nervous about it, but everyone in this fandom is so chill and lovely. i still like this one, and i don’t think i write enough 69ing lmao. also this fic was obvs the start of something bigger bc. i mean. i’ve written so much damn fic now lol since i only started posting in june. i was worried that i wasn’t going to be writing anymore, or that i’d never be posting on ao3 again because it had been literally 2 full years between hemlock honey and silver and the fic that preceded it. then i fell into thorki and i started writing fic and it’s just been such a huge, huge thing. bc i’m also writing original stuff again for the first time in forever.

Underdressed and All Out of Time

a direct sequel to fire in your veins, i really like it. i felt like i was able to characterize loki fairly well in this one bc i was very insecure about the way i wrote loki when i started out

A Thousand Teeth, Yours Among Them

who doesn’t love a fic title from a hozier song? i remember writing this fic and wondering if it was any good and if my characterization was okay and still being nervous and insecure in my writing, but it’s been very well received so i kinda got my inner critic to stfu which is nice lol. i also really enjoyed doing this vignette style story

To Always Face the Sun

what if :) loki was happy :) and thor had his brother back :) lol i really liked writing this and having loki being such a little shit tbh. can we tell that i like a happy ending in fic?

Blue On Gold

so i wrote an arranged marriage fic where they never actually get married and it’s still 15.8k lmfao. also the return of the vignette style, which was fun bc i got to do short, impactful scenes and build the narrative with them. i remember sitting at my desk at work, on my phone, writing this fic, then coming home and editing on a damn tablet bc my laptop bricked earlier this year

the warmth of your doorway

i meant to capitalize the title but at this point i’ve decided to leave it lol. i really loved writing this bc i felt very confident in the way i was building the scenes and the detail i was able to incorporate. i feel like this is where i really kinda go my voice back and i start to come into my own, if that makes sense? one of my fave fics i’ve ever written tbh. there’s a longer ‘verse for this, but after i finished this fic i got too distracted by new projects to try and continue it lol

Tell Me

this was my first trans!loki fic and he’s a trans man, and god i love it. i’ve got another ftm loki story as a WIP in my gdocs bc this story showed me how much i fucking love writing trans characters, and i really enjoyed the dynamic i put into this fic. there’s a sequel planned lol it’s gonna be dirty

Interwoven

i still haven’t managed to ever find the post that inspired this damn fic and if you wonder whether that drives me up the wall the answer is yes (: and fun fact! i intentionally never describe loki’s genitals in this fic, bc i was picturing him as a trans guy since i’d just written tell me and now i have a massive obsession with writing trans romance and erotica

Tie Breaker

in this house we love and appreciate bottom thor!!! also i loved writing the sparring at the beginning. it makes me wanna write more fics w/ brutal fight scenes lol. thor’s slutty drunk cape outfit is iconic and i’m gonna read that comic just for that outfit honestly

Pretense of Subjugation

i became drunkenly obsessed with loki manspreading on the throne of asgard and this was the result. this was the first thorki fic of mine that i’d had beta’d and it was vastly, vastly improved by it. the tips @ktspree13 gave me when she helped with this fic have affected literally every single fic i’ve written since

Double and More

so this is not the first thorki fic i ever posted, of course, however it is the first i ever started writing. i got to the point where loki’s in thor’s lap and then i kinda blanked out and let the fic sit for like... 2 or 3 months? then i opened it back up and i was like “oh i like this i should finish this” which is why i don’t delete anything anymore bc there’s always a chance i’ll come back to it

Ringback Tone

y’all owe @thotki for the wondrous idea they presented in discord that ended up creating this fic. i think i wrote this fic in like 3 days bc of how much fun i was having with it. the dirty talk was my favorite thing to write in this and i remember distinctly having this [:< moment when i was daydreaming about it

Seldom All They Seem

there was an impromptu bottom thor day back on 20 oct and this fic was my contribution. we can never have enough time travel, can we? i remember i think i took like a four day weekend from work and part of my motivation was literally wanting to finish this fic in time to post it lmfao

Fluffy Thorki Sunday Ficlets

i started doing fluffy thorki sunday back when i was on bourbonbucky and i continued it here, and i’m proud that i’ve written at least 1 piece for fluffy thorki sunday every sunday since i started. i love doing fluff and smut, and honestly even when my mood has been shit, i’ve always felt motivated to try and improve it at least enough to write some nice fluff. i put all of these on ao3 once i moved blogs

Let Love Disrupt

this is another fic we owe to discord lmao. i remember posting this when i was either very drunk or very tired and having to keep going onto ao3 on my damn phone browser to correct minor shit, and some not so minor shit like a typo in the title bc at first it said “distrupt” and that’s why i only post when i’m awake and sober now lmfao

Without Fear

i love werewolves (: a whole bunch (: and this fic is something dirty and wonderful that i’m proud of and THERE’S ART bc @nekokat42 is a blessing and takes commissions. kot i love u :3

On the Other Side Like Always

i have a lot of feelings about this fic. there’s an entire future in this ‘verse that i would so love to write, but i’m stuck on where to go with it. as it stands i am satisfied with this as a story of thor and loki coming together, and a story about how loki does something out of desperation but is finally given something genuine and comforting in his life like he’s always deserved. THERE’S ART from the wondrous @boltplumart / @mrhiddles bc allie is perfect :]

Runaway

when i tell y’all i’m a trash gremlin king. i do have a thing for writing underage characters with adults (probs due to messy personal history lmfao ain’t gonna look at that too closely) and so writing this one was a fun little bit of self indulgence. also it’s dirty and really plays into codependency, which i always like writing bc it’s a fun thing to explore in fiction

Sunset Rhapsody

this fic. was supposed to be. two thousand words. at most. then thor smiled at me, as the writer, and was like “i want to own him” and we ended up with 11k of thor’s obsessive bs and loki being brutal. joking aside, i love this fic, i love what i did with it, i have an original story i wanna write for my size kink anthology that will follow a similar thread to this one. also that torture scene. i don’t recall if i ever properly wrote torture before, but this did kinda make me squirm a bit when i was writing it and if you’ve read it you know precisely which scene i’m talking about lmfao

Right to Guard

this fic was honestly very emotionally satisfying for me in a pretty visceral way. writing thor just surrendering to love and spoiling the fuck out of loki was pretty damn cathartic. 

A Bite of Lamb

me making sure i never lose my title as a trash gremlin king. honestly writing thor’s POV in this fic was like >.> at myself a couple times bc it felt distinctly dark in a way i’d never written another character. a very, very unhealthy kind of obsession and this twisted logic where he’s trying to make it all okay. i really fucking love this damn fic tho and i’m happy with how it came out. 

Seamless

i was so, so frustrated and pissed off at work that i needed to let that shit out, so that was channeled into this very guilt-ridden turned tender fic, and i really enjoyed writing it. loved writing thor taking care of his baby sister. also! KOT IS FUCKING AMAZING and drew this bc they’re such a good fucking person ;A; like they sent me a message and just said “really liked this scene” and i was D Y I N G and i still am. thank you again, kot!

The Way A Rose Blooms

this was written for the thorki secret santa exchange! i drew @chickcheney and honestly the list of prompts was so, so good. bottom thor, arranged marriage, semi-public sex and trying not to be caught, body worship. i was like “damn did i draw myself wtf” bc that is all up my alley. 

Sugar Cookie

i honestly could not think of a better fic to finish off 2018 for me than sugar cookie. porn and emotions that’s all this is, but it features loki as a trans woman being loved and appreciated as she is with nothing extra expected of her and it was so satisfying to write. it makes me want to write original romance with trans women, which i’ll definitely do bc i loved writing this hungry and tender story and i’m very happy with how i ended it. 

so that was 2018 for me!