#something something healing generational trauma something something breaking the cycle

[scoonsalicious]

Unwanted: Chapter 29, Unarmed, Redux - Pt. 4

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Fem!Reader

Summary: When your FWB relationship with your best friend Bucky Barnes turns into something more, you couldn’t be happier. That is, however, until a new Avenger sets her sights on your super soldier and he inadvertently breaks your heart. You take on a mission you might not be prepared for to put some distance between the two of you and open yourself up to past traumas. Too bad the only one who can help you heal is the one person you can no longer trust.

Warnings: (For this part only; see Story Masterlist for general Warnings) Language,

Word Count: 741

Previously On...: Steve made some confessions.

A/N: Finally, resolutions!

NOTE! The tag list is a fickle bitch, so I'm not really going to be dealing with it anymore. If you want to be notified when new story parts drop, please follow @scoonsaliciousupdates

Banner By: The absolutely amazing @mrsbuckybarnes1917!

Thank you to all those who have been reading; if you like what you've read, likes, comments, and reblogs give me life, and I truly appreciate them, and you!

Taglist: (Sadly, tag list is closed; Tumblr will not let me add anyone new. If you want to be notified when I update, please Follow me for Notifications!) @jmeelee @cazellen @mrsbuckybarnes1917 @blackhawkfanatic @buckybarnessimpp @hayjat @capswife @itsteambarnes @marygoddessofmischief @sebastians-love @learisa @lethallyprotected @rabbitrabbit12321 @buckybarnesandmarvel @fanfictiongirl77 @calwitch @fantasyfootballchampion @selella @jackiehollanderr @wintercrows @sashaisready @missvelvetsstuff @angelbabyyy99 @keylimebeag @maybefoxysouls @vicmc624 @j23r23 @wintercrows @crist1216 @cjand10 @pattiemac1@les-sel @dottirose @winterslove1917 @harperkenobi @ivet4 @casey1-2007 @mrsevans90 @steeph-aniie @bean-bean2000 @beanbagbitch @peachiestevie @wintrsoldrluvr @shadowzena43

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You sat there, staring off into space for several moments. You couldn’t believe that had just happened. Was there no end to the number of times a super soldier would betray you?

Bucky cleared his throat after a few silent minutes. “I’ll… I’ll leave you alone now, doll,” he said. “‘M sure I’m one of the last people you want to see right now.”

He made to leave, but you called him back. “Buck, no,” you said. He turned around and looked at you quixotically. “Stay. We’re not done.”

He swallowed, then nodded, coming back to sit in the armchair next to your bed. “Yeah, okay,” he said. 

“Did you mean what you said,” you asked, looking up at him. “Back in Atlantic City? When you said you were self-sabotaging?”

Bucky narrowed his eyes at you in confusion, as if that was the last topic of conversation he expected you to bring up right now. “When, uh… when you broke things off, for good, after Russia, I started seeing Raynor a lot more frequently. Like, two hours a day, every day,” he offered. “I needed to understand why I kept ruining things, especially when you make me so damned happy. It didn’t make sense to me.”

You raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, didn’t make much sense to me, either,” you told him with a smirk, but he didn’t catch it.

“She told me, and I’m paraphrasin’ here, that, despite all the progress I’ve made, I still haven’t forgiven myself for the things I’ve done as the Winter Soldier,” he said, fidgeting with his metal fingers. “And, because I haven’t forgiven myself, I can’t see myself as being worth being loved, being happy. So, I did things, behaved in ways that proved I shouldn’t be. Like a, uh… ‘self-fulfilling prophecy,’ she said.

“She said that I created a loop, a cycle, where I kept makin’ fucked up decisions because I kept expectin’ to fuck up,” he continued. “Like, of course I hurt you, because I was scared of hurting you, if that makes sense? She said Carthage was like a mirror. When I sought validation from her, I was really seeking it from myself. I don’t necessarily know if I buy that,” he chuckled humorously. “Feels like it lets me off the hook too easily, but the doc seems to think it makes sense.”

You nodded, considering his words. “I thought you said she was a shitty quack,” you said after a moment. Bucky looked at you questioningly. “I did.”

“Sounds to me like you owe her a ‘thank you,’” you said, smiling at him. “What did she tell you to do about it?”

Bucky shrugged. “She called me a fucking dumbass, to start. Told me real love isn’t about whether or not you think you’re worthy of someone; it’s about working to be worthy of someone, to keep striving to be the best version of yourself for them. She said I needed to learn how to be honest, with you, and myself, to let you know when I’m struggling, to open up so we can help each other carry our burdens, and not hide mine away because I’m afraid.”

“She sounds a lot smarter than you’ve ever given her credit for,” you teased gently.

Bucky snorted. “Never let her hear you say that,” he said. “I won’t hear the end of it.”

“Can I ask you a question?” he said, after a moment of silence. You nodded. “Did you mean what you said, in front of Carthage, that you wished we could start fresh? Build something new? Something better?”

You nodded again. “With my whole heart,” you told him. 

Bucky seemed to take a moment to contemplate your words before he stuck out his hand. “‘M Bucky,” he said.

You scoffed playfully. “What the hell kind of name is ‘Bucky’?” you asked with a grin.

“I dunno,” he said with an answering grin of his own. “What the hell kind of name is Pocket?”

You grabbed his outstretched hand and pulled him to you, slotting your mouth over his and feeling his smile against your lips. “POCKET!” you heard Tony shout from behind the closed door. “He’s been in there long enough! The people demand to know! What the ‘F’ Is It?”

You and Bucky broke apart from your kiss, foreheads pressed together as you both laughed. Yeah, you thought with a smile, the two of you were going to be okay.

<- Previous Part / Next Part ->

[mythtakens]

"We tried." "Not hard enough."

9-1-1 (2018-)

[kalki-tarot]

GOOD THINGS HAPPENING FOR YOU IN NEXT 6 MONTHS ✧˖°.

Timeless | pick a picture | Masterlist

Tarot is not 100% correct all the times and does not replace medical or professional treatment. Your destiny lies in your own hands and you create your own reality. Kalki tarot is not responsible for any decisions made on behalf of this reading by anyone.

Pile 1

You are finally walking away from things that don't serve you in the next 6 months

Your hard work will be acknowledged by your seniors or superiors

Someone will offer you a helping hand or emotional support

Small investments will convert into big profits

Your intuition will increase and you will connect more to your higher self

Someone's true nature will be revealed to you (water sign, masculine energy)

Some truth will come to surface and will be known to you

A love message / offer / confession on valentine's day

You will gain stability after a long time of being drained

An exciting text message!

New friends, new people and new communication

Pile 02

You are getting the needed rest and relaxation

A trip of travel / break from work and going on a vacation

People who don't match up your energy are finally leaving your life in next 6 months

You will be blessed with Material abundance and generational wealth

A result coming in your favour

Your Emotional well being improving

Mental clarity and a state of letting go of things that don't serve you anymore

Alignment with your goals

You are getting some reward or recognition for your hard work

A manifestation is coming to you in the 3d

A successful deal will take place and things will go your way

A new relationship is forming here, something you were anxious about will go very well according to your plans

Pile 03

Your dream wedding is taking place

A party or meetup with friends and family

Your family and you are having a great time and things are being resolved by their own

A communication is coming fastly towards you which you were waiting for a long period of time

A wish fulfilment

International travel

Your trauma is being healed in the next 6 months

Maybe you will finally meet a therapist or a nurturing human being who will help u heal and serve an important purpose in your life

Balance and harmony in your mental state

Things are getting better for you

Something about your moon sign will be beneficial for you, or some astrology related thing happening with your moon sign in your favour

You will receive a bouquet of flowers

You will go to a beach / water body for relaxation

You learn something about your ex which will help u move on from them / their true nature will be revealed to you through divine intervention for your betterment

You will finally complete or break a karmic cycle.

Pile 04

A mental conflict or fight will get resolved

You are advised to not spend too much money on useless things

You will do some charity work or just volunteer for people

You will know some divine secret

A wish is getting fulfilled in the next 6 months

If you are thinking of confessing your love to someone, do it! They will day yes to you!

You will finally leave your comfort zone and go out on a date

Something significant from the past will inspire you to start something new soon

A new beginning in something is quickly on its way to you

You will be presented lot's of options in love or career to choose from

You will finally rise from the ashes

Your family or loved ones will help you with something with which u are struggling rn

A situationship will come to an end and will being communication

Things may get delayed for you but they are coming on the right time

[molchanovix]

I can't keep quiet about this

Tw S/A abuse in general PTSD

So, I finally watched all 4 episodes of Hazbin Hotel and I'm gonna share my opinion on why Husk is NOT an asshole for what he said to Angel.

And you guys WILL listen to my perspective as a man who has been sexually assaulted 3 times and relates to Angel heavily in terms of coping, trauma etc etc.

Let's start with obvious things. Did Husk call Angel a whiny power bottom piss baby? Yeah he did. But most of you are not seeing WHY he said that.

A shit ton of people who have been raped in the past turn to sexualizing themselves as a coping mechanism. They act "slutty", turn to dangerous behaviors and addictions to get back control of their bodies that they were stripped of when they were abused. Which is also what Angel does. He can't act how he feels so he doesn't have to actually accept what happened to him, he hides in his fantasies where he is nothing but a toy, where it was his decision to be used wherever Valentino wants to.

He did, in fact, need something as strong as the words Husk said to break free of trying to be the person he is not. If Husk never approached him, never came to that bar, Angel would get drugged, raped, then he would go back to the hotel and cry himself to sleep, so the cycle would continue. And he would never ever complain, because he chose to just act like he wants it.

He didn't just call Angel a crybaby.

Instead, he showed Angel that it's fine if he sucks - everybody does to some degree. But it's fine if he does. He doesn't have to be perfect, he doesn't have to hide in his little world where nothing bad happens to him. He can be himself, and he also has a community that will support and love him, no matter what happens to him.

And Angel accepts this. He can finally start healing after years upon years of sexual abuse.

This episode is so fucking powerful. As a rape victim, I didn't see Husk shit-talking him for the entire song. I saw that I, like Angel, have a community. That I can be happy even if I don't act sexually. That I can accept and move on. Open your fucking eyes.

[lizzieraindrops]

Destiny is a story about shapes and grief.

I think I may have figured out Destiny. I don't think the primary conflict between the Light and the Darkness is the philosophical issue we thought it was.

I got thinking about it after all this talking, with many others but especially @jazzhandsmcleg, about the way all of The Witch Queen DLC and its 4 seasons have had overarching narratives surrounding trauma and cycles of violence and grief, and the way the Darkness and the Light are characterized by their different approaches to it.

In TWQ, Savathûn is given a true second chance for her species in the Light. But as Ikora points out, she struggles to break free of the learned patterns of the Darkness, continuing the pattern of deception and violence.

Same with Season of the Risen - it’s the Warlords and Dark Ages all over again, but this time it’s the Hive. It forces once again to ask: what does it mean to be given a second chance if this is what you do with it? Temper this with Saladin’s story about the girl from the Dark Ages who he protected, but who became a cruel mortal Warlord in her own right. Crow objects to the mental torture of the Hive Lightbearers and he tries to break from the cycle of interspecies violence, but unintentionally ends up continuing it by killing the Psion and heightening tensions between humans and the Uluran.

Season of the Haunted!!! Literally, the entire thing is about confronting your traumas and greatest fears and the worst parts about yourself and beginning to heal them, making something better from them. Completely changing the game by turning Nightmares that torment into Memories that guide you. Crow with the memory of Uldren, Zavala with that of Safiyah, Caiatl that of Ghaul - and most importantly, resolution focuses on how they, specifically have been held back from healing by their self-incriminating Nightmares. It challenges the cycle of continuing violence on a very personal level. Eris even has patrol dialogue describing the a Nightmare as a thing of pain craving only more pain: "Such is the cycle."

Season of Plunder brings up the very same questions on a much higher organizational level. It gives us Eido and Eramis taking very different jaded vs. new-hope approaches to the legacy of the Whirlwind, asking: can we change? Are we defined by generational trauma forever? Can we continue to grow and change for the better even though it can never be undone? Though Eido is clearly young and naïve, we're clearly given the opportunity and narrative nudge to sympathize with her desire and hope for growth and redemption, both for the Eliksni overall, and for Eramis in particular.

And we're not even done with Season of the Seraph, but it already goes incredibly hard asking the same questions, again from a more personal angle. How far, and through how many generations is trauma transmitted? From the Bray family to Rasputin, to Felwinter to Osiris to Ikora – how do we fix this? How do we fix this? How do you defeat an enemy who IS war itself? What can you do to end an endless cosmic cycle of violence?

Go back and back and back in Destiny's lore even back to D1, and the majority of conflicts seem driven by this cycle of grief and revenge and violence. The entire line of humanity's war with the Hive goes back through Oryx's grief for Crota and the First Crota Fireteam and Eriana-3's grief for her wife Wei Ning. Even the Hive siblings' pact with the Worm Gods, though manipulated by Rhulk, was driven by the pain and grief they endured for themselves and their people, and wanting to escape that cruel pattern. The entire predicament of the Eliksni and their conflict with humans is driven by the trauma and grief and loss of the Whirlwind. Even Caiatl's empire, a conquering force that would be highly regarded by the sword logic, now must reckon with the same kind of loss in the Fall of Torobatl.

How do you escape this cycle and stay free of it?

I think, this year, we are finally seeing the beginnings of an answer.

I can't highly enough recommend the TWQ Collector's Edition lorebook (page scans & transcript) and The Hidden Dossier (page scans & transcript) that immediately follows it. What I've been calling Ikora's theory of "memory and grace" that she develops through the course of these two lore books is a balanced philosophy of memory/Darkness and grace/Light (which honestly deserves an entire post of its own). I think it clearly points toward the final resolution the story of the conflict between the Darkness and the Light.

In light of this, something in the Calus part of the new Lightfall CE lorebook (images, transcript) really jumped out at me.

“The doomed and the damned left the record of their downfall in the OXA. Your star got its name from the oldest myths in that archive. And when your mother told your father that story…the star became your name. A prayer that all will go as it must…and the way it must go is struggle.” “Aiat.” Not a word in Ulurant or any other Cabal tongue. “But Caiatl means something else..” “Yes. ‘It may not always go as it needs to go.’ A good name for a soldier." "A strange name for a daughter," I say. "Your father chose it for your mother's sake. Out of love."

And because the parallel is so overwhelmingly striking, I am once again going to reference philosophy/worldbuilding from the Young Wizards universe, which has great resonance with Destiny lore and which Bungie has been long aware of and has even been referenced in Forsaken-era canon lore.

“all the fair things skewed, all the beauty twisted by the dark Lone Power watching on his steed. If only there were some way he could be otherwise if he wanted to! For here was his name, a long splendid flow of syllables in the Speech, wild and courageous in its own way—and it said that he had not always been so hostile; that he got tired sometimes of being wicked, but his pride and his fear of being ridiculed would never let him stop. Never, forever, said the symbol at the very end of his name, the closed circle that binds spells into an unbreakable cycle and indicates lives bound the same way.” [...] “Nita bent quickly over the Book and, with the pen, in lines of light, drew from that final circle an arrow pointing upward, the way out, the symbol that said change could happen—if, only if—and together they finished the Starsnuffer’s name in the Speech, said the new last syllable, made it real.” Excerpt From: Diane Duane. “So You Want to Be a Wizard, New Millennium Edition.”

CAIATL’S NAME IS LITERALLY THE UP-AND-OUT SYMBOL.

I know I'm probably only talking to the handful of Destiny players from the (very small) Young Wizards fandom, but what you need to know is that this moment is pivotal and sets up the series-long theme of hope for an eventual exit from the cycle. It's the incredibly small, overwhelmingly improbable possibility of a second chance, a new start for the Lone Power, the source of all strife and suffering, who itself is driven by loss and pain. A concept of extended grace that is inherently tied to the philosophy of the Light.

“Billions of years, it took. All the redemptions there have ever been went toward this; from the greatest to the least. And finally in the fullness of time you came along, and took my role, of your own will, and woke up a race powerful enough to change the whole Universe, and gave them the fire.” She glanced up at the mobiles and smiled. “How could he resist such a bait? He took the gamble: he always does. And losing, he won.” [...] “The Defender reached down and put a hand into the shadow. “And we are going where such matters are transcended… where all his old pains will shift. Not forgotten, but transformed. Life in this universe will never have such a friend. And as for His inventions… look closely at Death, and see what it can become.” The long, prone darkness began to burn, from inside, the way a mountain seems to do with sunset. “Brother,” the Defender said. “Come on. They’re waiting.” Excerpt From: Diane Duane. “High Wizardry New Millennium Edition.”

This is the devil’s second chance, its homecoming. Grace among the memory. How do we heal this? By fixing it. By making and TAKING that opportunity of grace.

Likewise, Destiny is shaping up into its own universe’s story of this Reconfiguration, the remaking of everything that exists through the act of a second chance, both offered and taken, with full awareness of the irreversibility of harm already caused.

Destiny isn’t the story of the light and the darkness fighting each other. That happens, but that’s not what it’s ABOUT.

It’s “And I know exactly what we are. We’re best frenemies with a history of intense mutual hurt and messy reconciliation, leaving a deep tenderness as well as an almost impenetrable knot of scars. What could be simpler?” (Chalco)

It's “For so long, I believed peace was beyond my reach. No more. I have found it in guiding others down the same path that saved me. But… I might allow myself to want more than peace. What, I am not certain. Is joy the word? Might I find that again?” (Eris)

It's “Second chances… hm. Turns out I've been using mine wrong. I thought being a Guardian was my destiny. That wielding the Light for good was the most I had to offer. But it's clear now. This is what the Traveler chose me for. I was reforged in the Light for a purpose. To remake something dead and gone… into something beautiful. To learn how to forge something new from what we were. Everything Uldren did to the Reef, the Scorn… Fikrul. I have a responsibility — no — a calling to make them whole. And… I can't replace Cayde. But I can cover his old patrols — maybe organize the Hunters a bit, if they'll let me. Clean up some of my mess. I don't know if I can fix everything Uldren left broken… but I can try.” (Crow)

We aren’t defeating the Darkness. That’s never what it’s been about. It’s about breaking the cycle of trauma and grief with memory and grace. We're transcending the Final Shape, but we're not here to destroy it or become it. We’re harmonizing the Darkness and the Light into a sustainable balance to create something new from the wounded remains.

We're here to heal the broken relationship between the Winnower and the Gardener.

That's all that it is, in the end. They had a falling out, and now they hurt, and they hurt each other, and everything else, forever. Breaking free from that cycle begins and ends with them.

Is that fair? No, it's not.

But Destiny is – unhingedly, brilliantly, paradoxically – a FPS game about how to stop killing each other, growing ever more into a framework of restorative and reparative justice.

The story says, we are all culpable, we have all done awful shit and have endless potential to do more awful shit – AND, most critically, we all have the potential to do better (grace). AND, the act of making the conscious choice to do so and letting that happen is the only way for things to get better (memory).

The Collapse happened and it was horrible, the Red War happened and it was horrible, the Great Disaster happened and it was horrible, Twilight Gap happened and it was horrible...AND?? HOW ARE YOU GOING TO RESPOND? The Whirlwind happened and it was horrible! The Fall of Torobatl happened and it was horrible! Your species' Choice was stolen and you became the most prolifically violent killers in the universe and it was and is horrible! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

Are you going to make it more horrible? Or are you going to make it BETTER????

Are you going to fight for the Final Shape, or for the gentle kingdom ringed in spears?

[wrixthesley]

𝐍𝐄𝐄𝐃 | 𝐋. 𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐄𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐍, 𝐄. 𝐒𝐌𝐈𝐓𝐇

cw: post war levi, angst, oral sex (f receiving), finger fucking, mentions of Erwin being deceased, uhh you stick your fingers in his mouth, gaslighting/guilt tripping, generally just not a healthy relationship, trauma bond, dubcon(?)

He doesn't need love.

Levi has settled on this since he came back from the war. He has to atone for his sins, he thinks, no one can expect him to come back from that hell expecting a happy ending. He knows the tears that fill your eyes when he meets your gaze is one of relief. He can feel himself melt into your touch, the one that he knew shouldn't be for him.

He thinks he doesn't deserve it. The kindness that you show Levi is overwhelming and when he sees you all he can think about is him, carrying his lifeless body to his final resting place, your scream when he handed you his bolo tie, your tears when you were given permission to enter his old office. He made sure you got the privacy you needed when you were going through his things, kept his distance and pretended not to hear you cycle through your emotions.

God, he remembers the anger that consumed you and the sound of glass hitting the walls when you find the flowers you had placed on Erwin's desk had wilted. They were white roses, pure, sturdy, and full of life but seeing them again must have pissed you off. When he walked back in to check on you he saw the water spilled everywhere and you were-- no, everything was wrecked. The office thrown askew, maybe because you couldn't stand the sight of how organized it was, how his office was still so him. He didn't say anything when you were sobbing on the floor. He didn't know what to say really, how do you comfort a heartache that you didn't cause?

He wonders if your heart break then feels anything like the one he has now. It feels like his bones ache, his chest is too heavy, its too hard to breathe, and he just can't fucking look at you without the tears threatening to build up again. Levi doesn't know if it was the trauma of losing so many people around him or if it was just that you both lost someone you mutually held close to ,even if the reasons were different, he thinks that things would have been different if he had been more careful, if he knew that you would cling onto the broken bond you both now share, he would have pushed you away sooner.

He can feel you cry at night even if you think he's asleep.

Levi doesn't cry. That's what everyone says and you don't argue. He rarely smiles so it must be even more scarce for him to cry.

Levi won't confess that he did cry. You won't ever know what he saw when he fulfilled his vow to Erwin or when he finally, finally saw the faces of those who devoted their heart. He won't ever admit to crying because he doesn't deserve to cry.

-

"Levi"

He lets you reach out to him, to place your hand in his left hand like he's the one who invited you to sit out with him. You always make sure to sit to his right, where he still has his good eye.

In the evenings he spends his time sitting on the small porch outside, the pretty outdoor furniture your doing, and spends it reflecting on every minute detail of his actions. Your hand is soft and gentle in his and he can't help but feel wrong for holding something so pure in his fetid grasp.

"Hey," he says, his mouth is dry. He looks up at the sky, hoping that the clouds or whatever higher power there is to show mercy to him and allow him to express what he feels.

You look so attentively, he knows why Erwin held you so close. You're beautiful, kind, and so fucking warm-hearted it makes him crazy.

He can't hold your gaze for very long, he wishes he was better at this. God, why couldn't Erwin be here with you instead? It would spare him from breaking.

"Let's go inside" is all he manages. He feels pathetic.

You nod. Helping him up because his leg--isn't fully healed yet. He permits you to do this much. When he leans against you, you're reminded that despite his injuries he's still pure muscle, still strong. When you guide him to the bedroom he catches glimpse of Erwin's bolo tie. It haunts him, snaps him back to reality that he owes these little moments of peace and helplessness to you. It makes you happy to help and suddenly he remembers when you would fasten Erwin's bolo tie. You did it for him the day he died.

When you finally make it past the threshold of the bedroom he tells you to sit down with him on the bed. You oblige, never one to argue.

He feels the bed shift under your weight. You're looking down at his right hand, the one that makes him so self conscious.

"Look at me." He glances at the bolo tie again before meeting your eyes.

He's good at creating tension. You know that it's not on purpose, he doesn't mean to make people squirm under his gaze but he's the Captain Levi of the Scouts, sometimes you can't help but grow uncomfortable when he studies you so intently. He longs for you to be the exception to this but he can't bring himself to soften his gaze.

Not with what he's about to tell you.

His eyes burn into yours and you feel hot. You try and keep your breathing level, it's your attempt at concealing how nervous you are right now. He's handsome in this lighting and you catch how his pupils dilate.

"Lev--"

"I'm sorry."

It's strange, he thinks, to apologize for something that he hasn't even spoken about to you since Erwin passed.

"I'm sorry that it's me and not him."

You scoot closer to him, grabbing his right hand and placing it into yours. He hardly lets you hold his right hand, let alone bring it up to your lips to place a kiss on his ring finger.

"Don't apologize" you whisper.

He lets you guide his hand to your chest, where it's warm and he can feel your heartbeat and the rise and fall of your breathing. He should stop you now, finish telling you what he has decided, but he can't. Not when you look at him with pleading eyes, letting go of his hand to stand up and strip down to the satin camisole and panties under your clothes. The ones that you had bought for him.

The pang of guilt and arousal hit the pit of his stomach. This view wasn't his to start with, but Levi is only a man, he can't deny your beauty or that you make his cock ache when you take his right hand in yours again and guide his touch where you need it most.

You place your knee in between his legs, you can feel his erection through his pants when you guide his hand under the hem of your top to touch the warmth of your skin. Goosebumps rise where you trail his hand, you shiver when his thumb brushes along the underside of your breast.

He doesn't mean to grind against your leg, but fuck, the pressure feels good. You look ethereal in front of him, looking down at him like he's the one you've always wanted all along. He rolls his hips again and it gives him enough friction against his length to satiate the desire that's clouding the entire reason he brought you in here.

"Levi" your lips are so pretty, they look so soft when your part them and whine. You place your free hand on his should, giving him a slight push, not strong enough to actually move him.

He knows when you want, you've done this before. He'll adjust himself on the bed, sitting back enough that your knee is still in between his legs, right against the heat of his erection and your other knee keeping him in place by practically straddling his right thigh.

"Hey" he uses his other hand to pinch the soft of your thigh. He hoped his voiced wouldn't have wavered, that he could have looked at you with more authority to spare your dignity and bring you back to the unfortunate reality that awaits you.

"No." you respond, silencing him when you press your fingers into his mouth. God, you can feel how hard he is against your knee, his cock twitching and leaky. It makes you hot, arousal pooling in between your legs.

You push down on his tongue, watching how his brows furrow, how his spit pools around your digits, moving them in his mouth until your pinching his tongue with your thumb and index finger.

His eyes meet yours and you smirk down at him. His right hand is traveling up the inside of your thigh, ring finger hooking at the waistband of your panties to pull and let it snap back against your skin. He does it again, pulling his head back to get your fingers out of his mouth.

You let out a quiet moan when his thumb finds your clothed clit. He circles it there for a moment, his ring finger pressing where your slit is, making sure a wet patch forms on the fabric of your panties before he finally uses his other hand to slide them down your thighs, letting them bunch up mid way.

His mouth waters at the string of your arousal that connects your cunt to your panties. He can't think, you entice him entirely too easy. Did you do this to Erwin?

He can hear your breath hitch.

"Do you miss him?" he asks, thumb finding your clit again, this time his ring finger slips past the tight entrance of your pussy. He watches your head fall back in pleasure before his starts moving. He always starts like this, slow and suspenseful because he loves building you up.

"What?" you huff, moaning because you know that he always finger fucks you like he has to prove that he doesn't need to use his good hand. He can do it this way, thumb drawing the most delicious circles and his ring and pinky finger hooking against that sweet spot inside of you that clouds your sense.

"Do you miss him?" he repeats. This stops the motion of his thumb, letting the full length of his fingers delve into your wet heat. He presses a kiss to your clit, groaning when you push his head further into you. His tongue slipping between your folds, a small part of you feels bad because you're sure he's aching in the confines of his pants when he grinds himself against you.

"Levi" you squeal, his good hand keeping you in place while he sucks, licks, and nips at your clit. He can't deny how beautiful it is to watch you fall apart for him, to cry out his name while he fingers you. The muscles in his arm are taut with how he's fucking into you, he sucks on your clit again. It's messy, he eats you in the most carnal way, doesn't care that his mouth and chin are covered in his spit and your essence.

He pulls away again. Fingers squelching when he finds the exact pace and speed to have you melt.

"Do you miss him?" he pants, his breath only makes you grow hotter and your hips can't stop from matching the rhythm of his fingers, you dig your nails into his scalp, attempt to pull him away when he delves back in to suck on your clit.

He drags the flat of his tongue up your clit, your eyes rolling into the back of your head because you know he's teasing you. You know it and you hate it.

"Do you wish it was him?" He knows your close, fingers finding that spot again, his grip has you planted right where he wants you, "You wish it was him and not me, huh? Want to pretend I'm him don't you? You're so fucked. So fucked."

"Fuck, did you squeeze his fingers like this too? You think he'd be mad that you whored yourself out to me? He trusted me you know."

You cry out when he uses more force, you can feel the stickyness of his precum against your leg from how he's grinding against you. You can't speak. This is his favorite part, where he keeps you and your high and keeps agitating you, when you keep cumming and cumming and he keeps spewing nonsense.

"I'm not him, you know? I don't deserve this, you deserve better, but fuck-- you're so damn good."

He should be ashamed, he's never acted like this before. Your moans get louder, pleading for him. He engraves this moment into his head, loves the way you say "Levi, fuck please, please."

He has you right at the edge, toying with you, pushing you to fall over the edge into pleasure. He feels your walls tighten around his fingers again and he's panting, pressing a kiss to your navel and he's cumming, nipping at your skin when he does.

You're both left panting, using each other to stay upright before you begin to move into more comfortable positions. You catch a glimpse of the wet patch on his pants, his cum is sticky and hot, and you know it's probably uncomfortable for him.

He cleans you both up, because that's what he always does, even if it takes him a little bit longer to get around because of his healing body, he thinks that it's the least he should do for you. It's one of the ways he can apologize for indulging into you.

"You didn't answer me. " he guides you to the plush of the bed, your spot next to him. He practically dressed you in your nightgown. You don't reply, only feeling frustration being to spread where arousal once was.

"Do you wish Erwin was here?"

You don't answer.

"I know you do. I know that it's so fucked up that I came home and he--"

"Levi, what the fuck are you talking about?"

He doesn't say anything. The look on his face is somber and it transports you back to that time, then it hits you. The heartbreak again, the suffocating one that makes you feel like you wouldn't survive.

It's happening.

Oh.

It's happening again.

Your chest hurts when you look at him like when someone you love is being ripped away from you and that can't stop it.

He feels guilty.

"I think that your love is misplaced. That you have given me a part of you that should have never been mine to begin with," he explains, he struggles to get up again, but he does it by himself. His gaze is harsh again, like when he was forced to look at Zeke.

"It shouldn't have been mine. You aren't mine." He walks over to the door, "I'm sorry" he whispers, opening the door, insinuating for you to leave. "It always felt like I was betraying him."

He watches your bottom lip wobble, wouldn't fight back if you threw him on the ground right now.

"He's dead, Levi." your voice breaks and the weight of his words hit you.

"God, you think this whole time I've been with you because I'm misplaced? Fuck you! I'm not fucked. You are. "

You grab your clothes, huffing and crying. He wishes you would hit him, throw him down, insult him, fuck, he wishes you would say that he is right, your feelings for him weren't actually for him to begin with.

You don't though. When you make eye contact he notices that your eyes are full of tears. You're wearing the same facial expression you made when you learned that Erwin was dead.

He deserves this version of you.

He deserves this, it's his atonement.

It's better this way, he doesn't need love.

[poppy5991]

I’m in the mood for some meta so…

Dabi vs Shoto: The cost of perpetuating generational trauma

I want to muse on these two characters a bit as foils to one another. Let’s put their relationships with Enji and Rei aside for a moment because in my opinion: their decision to forgive their parents or not is actually irrelevant to the thematic arc.

Dabi:

Ok, so let’s say that Dabi is a representation of the consequences of continuing cycles of trauma. He is holding on to his father’s anger and has continued the family’s maladaptive coping mechanisms of pursuing a goal without caring who it might hurt. In his case, that goal is revenge.

And by pursuing that goal/refusing to let go of negative feelings, he may well kill himself. And this isn’t about valid anger towards his parents, it’s about the fact that he has so much internalized anger and feelings of inadequacy that it has become self-harming. And additionally, it’s going to hurt other people. It harms the random citizens who get hurt in his revenge attempts, it hurts his siblings, and it even hurts other members of the LOV who rely/look up to him (I’m thinking specifically of Toga who is presented with the choice to break out of similar patterns).

Dabi doesn’t have to forgive. But it is his responsibility to heal and stop perpetuating the violence/trauma that he experienced on other people.

Shoto:

Unlike Dabi, we see Shoto’s arc shift early on. He also carries his father’s anger and harmful dedication to a goal (I’ll only use my ice quirk even if it’s harmful to me/gets me injured. I want to prove that I’m good enough. -See some parallels here?)

(And in my opinion, the fear of never being enough/only loved when useful is something reflected in both Enji and Rei’s backgrounds that gets passed down to the kids as an unhealthy precedent.)

But with the “It’s your own power!” arc, Shoto gives up a lot of his anger and decides to forge his own path. We don’t know if he will land on forgiveness for both of them, but he gains enough empathy for his parents to realize “Yeah, this family’s way of coping is built on trauma and I don’t want to continue on that path.”

He’s a cycle breaker and his decision has positive repercussions for the whole family. It also has positive impacts on his friends (Iida and Deku) who later face similar dilemmas.

So the brothers make an interesting foil for one another with respect to these decisions.

[psychelis-new]

pick a pile: "An encouraging message for you"

take a breathe and choose the photo/number that calls you the most to read an ecouraging message for you from your Guides and/or dearest ones (may be also soulmates or your higher self). I think everyone here needs to hear some nice words right now: blood moon might have been emotionally raw and triggering on stuff we thought we were done with.

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you.

(photos found on unsplash)

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1 - 2

3 - 4

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- ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 1

I think this blood moon has been pretty rough on you. You may have experienced a lot of triggers, especially hiccups on stuff you thought you were done with. You might have been feeling pretty bad about it. I'm sorry, remember you don't have to feel bad: it's okay to have fallbacks. The message for you is to keep strong and look behind/under this cover of suffering to find the good side and your happiness.

You're being asked to go through this in order to feel better, and grow into your better self. There's no punishment here. Like the bottle in your pic: if you take time to clean it, you'll find a beautiful, maybe old and a bit signed by time, but still entire and perfect bottle (probably even more precious cause of the time that has passed and of what it has been through). Same goes for you. You have no idea how precious you are. But you will soon. Remind yourself it's okay to stop and chill, take breaks and just close your eyes and regulate yourself. Ground yourself. Take time to do so especially when things get too overwhelming. Breathing work (through your nose, and use your belly too as when you sleep, not just your stomach/lungs. It'll help you relax you lower back).

Remember that you can take control over your shadow's sides, over your emotions: you need to meet them and understand where your unmet needs are bugging you from your unconscious self. Don't let fear and self sabotage block you and your life. Don't let this dark side of you come out and take over as they please, take advantage of you/sabotage you. Sit and talk with it, analyze its needs and why it is there. Allow yourself to feel and experience anything you are feeling and experiencing; validate yourself, and balance that out with healing and learning. But do not rush things. Take your time. You'll be celebrating soon something beautiful. The end of the cycle is almost there. Don't stress over being done with your healing, it will only posticipate the closure. Be open to your new beginning. And remember your worth. Do never think anything bad about you, no matter the hiccups or fears or whatever your trauma wants you to think of you. You are worthy of whatever you desire. And it'll arrive. (444 angel number brings a clear message of calmer days ahead). Give love to yourself (my heart chakra is in pain), hug and appreciate yourself, seek for help.

Your Guides are always by your side (my ear is ringing hard) trying to encourage you and guiding you. Be open to their signs. Be grounded so to hear/see their messages especially when you're overthinking/spiralling. You're not alone. You are never alone. Feel their embrace. You are doing a great job and they're proud of you. (I get a lot of nurturing and healing energy from them, I hope it can reach you)

songs: wicked games | kiana ledé; shiver | amber run

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pile 2

(About your messages: I feel some of you may already be aware them and are congratulated, others are still in the process of understanding/being more conscious. If you find mixed sentences here and there, that's the reason)

Pile 2, you got it. Despite the pain and overthinking, know that you got it. You can make what you want out of your life. You can turn it how it pleases you. You know you can. And you know the message is to keep going on this road, always keeping strong and looking ahead with hope and a bright smile. "Never back down". Keep taking care of yourself, and remember to drink your water and eat healthy. You probably have already started to do some more meditation/exercising, even taking more walks outside: doing something for your body and mind. It's a very good practice, you're being congratulated here (if you haven't started yet, you'll probably feel called to do this soon).

Someone from the past might pop up into your life by chance, remind yourself it's not always to make you work on a trauma or trigger a bad emotion, they could bring a good news or memory too, something you need to remind yourself from how things were back then. Always look at the bright side. And remember that also people can change (don't be too good though, stand your ground before giving in. Listen about what they want, or what thoughts they're making you re-live). For someone else, it can also be someone new, still bringing with them some news/emotions you need to deal with (but be positive about them: dealing with someone else may be the only way to end your healing: communicate and be vulnerable about your feelings, if your guts are giving you green light about this person).

Beautiful things are coming for you, it's a new start. You have learnt and are still learning your lessons, embracing them and reducing the time you spend worrying on not receiving/not seeing results (also for manifestations) or actual changes. The change has started from your inside. It'll show outside too soon. Keep being patient and indeed, stop worrying if you haven't yet. Things are going to go great, your wishes will be fulfilled. Believe. In yourself and in divine timing. Trust.

Remind yourself that the past has no control over your future. It's about you and now, building your next days. What has happened, doesn't have to reapper again. Stop judging yourself and your life from your past self point of view. Have a talk with that and move towards your new self. Your breakthrough is indeed about embracing your new vision and version of yourself and your life, and change what has been. You have done a great job. Keep going on like this.

songs: saturday sun | vance joy; i wanna be your slave | maneskin

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pile 3

The message is that you are probably going to get a message or a request? How nice! It might be even about this pac. Maybe you are a psychic and knew that somehow some kind of message was coming for you. You also may need to take a pause and close with something from the past. Similar to pile 2, but also different. I mean, your photo has so many reflections... what can be clearer than that? Stop and think about that thing that is bugging you, and take a decision. And honestly, I think it's something that needs closure from how I unconsciously worded it before. Look inside yourself and take action. I think you need to decide where you want your life to go, what you want to do and get. But remember that what you do, needs to fit what you want. You need to be aware of the latter to realize the first. So, what do you want?

I see someone staring at themselves into a mirror. Keep trying to see and know your true self, your secrets and desires. Don't let what has been ruin your present. Don't let others judge you either. Just be self conscious, know your worth and remind yourself about it. About what you've been through and how strong it made you. You didn't give up, that needs appreciation. You are getting accolades from your Spirits. Indeed there's a message coming in soon, it'll sign a new beginning in your life. All you've learnt will be useful into this new path. Don't let your fears sabotage you again as it has been: remind yourself you're different now and things can always change; they do always change. Be brave and focused on your goals. And keep manifesting. You aren't aware of so many things! You're gonna feel so amazed. I feel a lot of joy and happiness, you may be reached by your soul family and possibly by a soulmate.

Things will go great on so many different levels (remember to keep yourself balanced and grounded btw). And you deserve that cause of all you've been doing. Also for others. You've been through ups and downs, you've been dealing with trauma and tough people/karmic relationships, you've been going through dark periods and moments in which you had to put yourself and desires aside in order to be of help. You had to make a tough decision. But now it's time to focus on you, and you alone. Let others find their answers and fight their own battles: it's not up to you to heal everyone. You need to heal yourself first.

songs: lontano dagli occhi* | sergio endrigo; because of you | ne-yo *you can ask for a general translation if you need

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pile 4

Can you feel the warm embrace from your Guides and soul family? They're around you, shielding you, protecting you. Always. You may feel overwhelmed, but even if you can't see the light, know that it's there and you'll be aware of it soon. I feel that you're trying to manifest a new life, but you cannot cause of your emotions and past experience sabotaging you. Know that you're close to realizing your wishes, you only need to end this habits of bringing you down and sabotaging you (pile 1?). It's something tough, but really, that's the last step. All you want, is all there ready to flood over you, but the Universe wants you to be fully ready to get it and own it, and not be scared of losing it or push it all away from you by mistake (self sabotage). You need to have a quiet mind to really enjoy the amazing things you desire from your heart. So keep working with love, towards yourself and others. Never forget that being kind and open is a good answer, no matter what we're scared of or what we've unconsciously learnt in our past/childhood. There's always a way out from that that can help us see better and be more balanced. "Be open" I keep hearing that. Maybe you're a bit closed off when it comes to relationships/meeting new people (some social anxiety or fear of abandonment/judgement may be there, and they may cause you loneliness from not being able to create deep bonds with others).

Make kindness/love your first goal, especially with you. The message is strong. It can totally change you and your life. And if something blocks you from starting new endeavours, remind yourself you CAN do it. You have all you need to make it. And even if something is missing, you don't have to worry, you'll find it along your path. Your Guides and soul family are there with you for that reason. You may meet someone or need to ask for help to someone. Let them in/help you sort things out.

Don't be scared of not making it, you can make it. And you will make it. (Be open, again). Maybe not the first time, it may take you a couple of tries, but this doesn't mean you cannot do it. Take these tries as challenges from the Universe to see how ready you are, how focused you are, and what still needs to get bettered in the meantime. (It may be about meeting new people too: maybe the first ones won't stay for long but that's okay, they are there to help you learn/practice/grow and be ready to meet the right people/person and not lose them). Sometimes success has a lot to do with timing and experience. Don't beat yourself up for this or for "failing" sometimes: it's okay to not be immediately perfect (you know perfection doesn't exist right?). Your time is almost there. Give yourself the chance to try. (Bon Jovi "Keep the faith" is playing in my head, I think it can bring important messages here especially about possible childhood traumas and keep choosing love in your life, no matter what. And ofc keeping the faith).

songs: keep the faith | bon jovi; this is what falling in love feels like | jvke

[dolceaspidenera]

About Astarion, Cazador, and what it means to be bad.

In Italian the word "bad" is translated as "cattivo", whose etymology derives from the Latin captivus, prisoner. I think our ancestors had profound wisdom when it came to understanding human nature, generally speaking, most people who are considered "bad" often act like that and hurt others because they are prisoners of their own hurt and fears.  This does not mean that they are justified in their actions, of course, at the end of the day we are all responsible for our behaviors, and trying to understand why someone may act a certain way does not equal to justify them. 

Astarion's story revolves around overcoming trauma and hurt to not repeat the cycle of abuse. 

On one hand, there's Ascendant Astarion, who loses himself and his humanity, in favor of his hunger for power. A hunger that is fueled by fear, and the conviction that he can only count on himself and only the ones who have power are safe and free to do whatever they want. 

"One last thrust and I'll be free of you. I'll never have to fear you again. But if I finish the ritual you started, I'll never have to fear anyone, ever."

In reality, he becomes shackled to his fears, never truly free to move on, to face his trauma and overcome it. He will forever be watching his back, paranoid and worried about being betrayed. He becomes what he has always feared and hated, he is now the monster that haunted his nightmares, and the cycle repeats.

Before Astarion, there was Cazador, who succumbed to his own hurt and trauma and ended up perpetuating the abuse. He too was tortured by his master, Vellioth, and punished by being impaled for 11 years when he rebelled, not even for the rebellion itself but because he failed. Cazador too was just a victim in the beginning, but eventually turned into a monster himself.

“The boy I was, the man I became, the monster that will not end. I sleep, but cannot rest, I live, but cannot die. I am eternal, and I grieve.”

It's even more telling when you realize that Cazador probably saw himself in Astarion, every time he looked at him he was reminded of his old self, whom he perceived as pitiful, powerless, and detestable, all his unresolved traumas were thus projected onto Astarion, who was made a scapegoat and punished. (NB This is not to pity or humanize Cazador, by the time you get to confront him, he is a full-blown-out psychopath, and he needs to go down).

On the other hand, we have Astarion as a spawn, who was able to reject the ritual. He recognized that the power on offer wasn't going to set him free. 

"I know you think this will set you free, but it won't. This power will trap you, just like it trapped Cazador."

He retains his soul, his humanity, and by facing his fears he is able to let go. He is now able to see that true strength does not come from a dark and twisted power like the one the ritual offers, it does not come from dominating others and from hurting them before they hurt you in an endless cycle of pain and vengeance, but it comes from within. It's the strength to be kind, to be forgiving toward ourselves and others, the strength to hope and be open and vulnerable, to let others in and take the chance to see if there are others out there with a big heart like Tav's. To live again is to care again. He realizes that he is enough, just the way he is, and he can finally start the healing process. The cycle is broken, and he is finally free.

"But you saw something else in me - someone else I could be. Someone who could break the cycle of power and terror that started centuries ago."

"You saved me from myself and let me walk a path where I can be free. Truly, honestly free. This is a gift, you know. Thank you - I won't forget it."

(I know most of these things were already discussed, but I had to share my thoughts. I love it when even the etymology of words that we usually use without thinking too much makes sense and everything comes full circle.)

Thanks to @myopic-skull for letting me borrow his super cool photo of Astarion being a glorious regal cat

[gayelectricalfire]

Okie the riptide hiatus is killing me and college is killing me, so I'm just gonna drop down some fic ideas I haven't had time to write because it's a like rabid animal clawing and biting it's way out of me.

Caspian and Ava interaction. Don't really know what this would entail maybe Caspian finds out about Ava/Lizze's relationship and wants to confront Ava to see if she's genuine. Caspian shovel talk perhaps. Caspian/Ava duel over Lizze.

Lizze whump about how she lost her eye. Maybe it happens on the island with Shay (like it got injured when the Midnight Rose went down and couldn't heal or a wild animal attacks her on the island). Or maybe it happened when she was already with Shadow-beard, probably in battle or just a ship accident.

Speaking of Shadow-beard, literally I've seen no one write about Shadow-beard and Lizze at least not in detail. Like I need angsty feral teenage Lizze driving this man up the wall. I need some toxic father-daughter relationship please, Lizze absoutely kills her first man under Shadow-beards crew and she has tried to mutinty him at least once. In my head it's a slow burn situation of like "We are leaving her at the next island" to "*distant sounds of violence* ah fuck I gotta go get my kid."

Just some Alslana fluff or an AU where Alslana goes with the Riptide pirates.

I've actually seen this one before but I also really wanna write it, Jay at Ava's funeral and Kira is there to comfort her because everyone else in her family is to detached too

Speaking of Ferins, Faye and Jayson interaction. But from Jayson POV where he's like super high-strung and nervous even talking to her which parallels a second chapter where he notices Jay has the same nervousness talking to him. And something something generational trauma that he can't (or isn't willing too) break the cycle of so he ignores it.

Honestly I just really wanna write a couple of fics from Jayson POV to just worm my way in and understand what fucking 5-lane crash of life led this psychology profile. Worst dad award truly

Yknow that random assassin named Crow that Chip killed in like ep 80? 70? Yeah I have like an entire backstory in my head for him, including a fiancé (that elf lady that drugged Chip at Ruben's club) and how his death caused a chain reaction of political events in All-Port and entirely fucked up the city!

Okay I have more ideas but for other campaigns but i'll make that in a different post. I just needed to put these ideas in writing because I WILL forget. Also anyones free to take these ideas if they like them, I'll still probably end up writing my own version of them and my philosophy on multiple similar fics is like TWO CAKES!

[megatrons-husband]

Hello, I just saw this in the tags and wanted to add my own input. I am an abuse survivor and also a megastar shipper. Megastar is one of my tops, and that’s because they are both abuse victims and I see myself through both of them. When I ship them, I generally ship them as healing past the abuse and trauma they’ve both been through and make them happy, and able to heal and grow together, I always felt that if I was able to see those two heal and be happy, and being victims of abuse (megatron abused thru slavery, starscream abused thru megatron) then I would be able to heal myself. Being able to portray megatron and starscream break the cycle of abuse makes me happy in a way and even tho we don’t get it canonically, I try and portray it with what I write. 

I do agree a lot of depictions of megastar are extremely abusive, esp tfp depictions. I myself don’t really interact with fandom content that makes them out to be abusive. I do admit that there are a lot of people who glorify the abuse in the ship and that was a reason I just, didn’t interact with the fan version of it. At the end of the day, each to their own but I resonate with this answer. 

I agree with everything you said and I think you offered a very kind and nuanced answer. 

That said, at the end of the day I think that most all transformers ships have the ability to be priorship or abusive and it always irks me or at least, saddens me when people just go after megastar shippers. I mean, despite being an abuse survivor myself and going out of my way to portray the ship in a unique way to me, Ive had people tell me to kill myself. I remember there was a megastar story board artist who worked on Earthspark, and people were telling her to kill herself and to get hit by a bus. Ive realized that in the tf fandom it’s like ‘okay’ to harass megastar shippers even this elf us who don’t ship the ship in an abusive way, but other shippers tend to be exempt from this,.

lIKE I also like MegaOP, but MegaOp also has incredibly abusive foundations too. Especially TFP MegaOP, where Megatron quite literally took advantage of Optimus when he had no memories and just in general, some of the things he’s done to Optimus, short of torturing him and even killing and hurting his friends just o hurt him, are abusive and reminds me of things that happened to me. And people tend to romanticize that, and call them like ‘crazy husbands’ or exes or something like that, and I realize that it’s so common to romanticize the abuse in MegaOP, just like proshippers do, but its’ almost never called out the same way megastar is. Hell, some of the people bashing Megastar are the same people who think it’s romantic when Optimus is gettin beat and nearly killed by Megatron, or when Megatron kills and hurts those close to Optimus.

I don’t mean to rant to you, I just noticed how ship hate and suicide baiting is so acceptable to do to megastar shippers. It’s so common, even if we *don’t* ship the ship in an abusive way. And there aren’t that many megastar shippers compared to others. It’s a very isolating experience because I realize this fandom is ‘friendly’ until people have double standards over a ship you like. Like i said, I'm an actual abuse survivor, and in a place where I still have to live with my abuser, so writing megatron and starscream working thru their own traumas and loving one another is kinda healing to me. BUT being told to kill myself over it, sometimes by popular bloggers in the TF fandom, and then seeing them glorify abuse in other ships is not fun.

SORRY i just wanted to send this to you because i agree with your ask. originally i was gonna respond to your post but i was anxious

Ok first i would like to say your absolutely AMAZING. You are a poet becuse this is the most accurate opinion of transformers ships ive seen in awhile, twitter users a shakering is there boots right know!! And your view of megastar is perfect and the way you described your writings of them sounds amasing and a great and healthy way to potray them, also i very glad that it helps you. : ] And just puting this out there as a abuse survivor to i get you. Id like to touch on megop to since you mentioned it! Iam not going hate anyone fore it because once again to each there own, but i hate the double stander for megstar shipers, when megop is just as bad! People really need to understand that both have the opportunity to be awful horribly portrayed ships, or beautiful heartfelt relationship with great story telling! And one last thing that i would like to add is when you said that ever transformers ship has the opportunity to be proship, and yes i agree strongly with this. the transformers fandom has a very bad problem of fetishizing relationship and just around makeing really bad and gross ships. But something id like to say is some ships will never be heathy, and cant be. There are some ships that are just gross and overall cant be labled as anything other than proship. For instance, somthing that makes me absolutely sick is people who ship overlord and Fortress Maximus, specifically there idw/mtmte portrayals. A little background if some have never read the comics, Fortress Maximus was a warden at this prison basically and overlord came a over ran the place, killing tons of bot and taking many captive. Maximus was one of said bots and overlord wanted some information that only Maximus had and for 3 and a half years torture, abused, and lobotomized him. The amont of trama that Maximus gained from that, form overlord, alone should show how awful of a ship it is to began with. There is no way that it could be written to be heathy for either bot because its shown alot just how much Maximus HATES Overlords guts. But iam a stop there, or iam a write a hole essay. Thank you for shareing your opinion on the matter! It was really well written!! Hope you have a good day or night! :]

[the-crimson]

Q!BBH and Generational Trauma

For a long time this has been something I’ve noticed in the halo family that I’ve strongly related to. Idk if it’s an intentional theme bbh and Dapmin (and pommin but im mainly gonna focus on Dapper) put into their characters but it’s definitely there. So heres my perspective on bbh’s character arc so far observed through a lens of generational trauma.

(Quick side note. Writing this post was a journey tm and my initial view of bbh and god’s relationship and what the afterlife scene meant shifts dramatically half way through XD)

Even if a parent does everything right, they will still hurt their children. It’s part of the job. It’s part of life. Even if we choose to be better than our parents, the scars they left will bleed onto our children. I think every family has an element of generational trauma - I certainly do but im not gonna trauma dump on yall - but the severity of it is a spectrum.

Q!bbh was cast from his home due to the conditional love of God/the Father and this has left a clear impact on him. His self worth is in the gutter and he lacked a sense of purpose. According to everything we know of bbh’s life before the island, he didnt really care for much of anything other than finding the next source of entertainment - i mean, he remembers the salem witch trials fondly because of the drama of it all regardless of the fact that hundreds of innocent women were murdered.

Was God being intentionally cruel or abusive? Probably not. From His perspective, he may see casting his angels from heaven as a temporary punishment - like spanking a child for throwing a tantrum - without really understanding the damage such treatment is actually doing. He isnt teaching his children the lesson he thought he was just as spanking a child doesnt teach them to behave, only to fear. Bbh redeemed himself in the eyes of the Father and thus was granted the choice to return home. The Father was doing his child a kindness, he was welcoming his lost angel back home because what fallen angel would ever choose anything other than Elysium? And thats the point of conflict. The Father thinks he is doing right by his child but hes only causing bbh more pain. Bbh has to choose between his own children and eternal salvation (that he knows can be taken away on a whim). His heart has been severed in two.

Bbh’s wounds from his disownment run so deep he doesnt even notice them and thus, doesnt notice how they impact his children. Dapper has taken after so many of bbh’s characteristics and a complete lack of self worth is one of them. Selflessness to the point of self annihilation. The fear of being a burden. The need to feel useful otherwise why am i even alive? Dapper was borderline suicidal because they felt useless and nearly killed themself trying to be useful by farming soul hearts and they learned all of this behavior from Bad. Bbh showed Dapper unconditional love but it wasnt enough. Bbh couldnt save Dapper from his own trauma.

Breaking cycles of generational trauma takes more than just realizing how you were raised didnt work and trying something else. Bbh never healed from the wounds left by the Father and thus they were passed down to his own son.

When i started writing this analysis, i thought that this was the tragedy between bbh and the Father. God was too stuck in his ways to understand what His child needs, what would truly make bbh happy. I thought that the Father had not changed. His love remained conditional. Bbh could only come home if he chose god/heaven. The door might be closed next time. This is his only chance of coming home. But now after laying it all out like this… it made me wonder why the Father decided now of all times was when bbh redeemed himself. My initial cynical reading was that the Father was putting bbh through a test of loyalty. He only truly earned his redemption if he would abandon his children in favor of god/heaven but now… i can see a more hopeful reading.

God watched bbh become a father. He watched bbh become a better person through fatherhood. He also watched as the trauma He caused was passed onto bbh’s child. If the Father wanted bbh to come home because he’d redeemed himself, then the Father could have snapped bbh away at any time. Perhaps thats what He would have done 14,000 years ago when bbh first fell. What if the Father recognized his mistake? What if this was His attempt to fix things after seeing just how much damage He’d done? What if he did finally understand what bbh truly needed?

Bbh was stuck in his trauma because he lacked agency in his current state. The Father still had all the power between them by holding heaven hostage. The only way bbh could ever start to heal from this damage was if he was given back the choice that was made for him. Bbh needed to choose one way or another in order for him to take the first step towards healing even if it causes him anguish in the moment. He needed the choice. He needed the freedom to refuse.

But giving freedom to your children can be scary. What if they make the wrong choice? What if they screw up and ruin everything? For a god who expects perfection from his children, freedom must be terrifying. Giving His children freedom means giving them the option to turn away from him. But that is part of being a parent.

What if unlocking the gates was an apology? Im sorry i hurt you. Im sorry i made this choice for you. I see you. I wont take this choice from you again. Its too late to change the past but you can change the future. Dont make my same mistakes.

What if it was a gift? God relinquished his leverage over bbh and gave him the option to come home. An opportunity for bbh to break the cycle. A chance for bbh to make a choice for himself for once. To free him of the shackles that tied him to God. To heal and stop his own son from continuing the cycle of generational trauma.

After all, the greatest gift a god can give is the freedom to choose one’s own destiny.

[triassictriserratops]

SANARÁS MAÑANA

Upon my birth I was bestowed the title and position of Eldest Daughter. I hadn’t yet opened my eyes when, like Aurora, I was gifted with the predestination of my role.  My name.  A name to shout. A name to threaten. A name to warn. A name to accuse. A name to chisel into the stones of another person’s life and meaning. Deja de llorar o te daré una razón para llorar. My blood. Blood to spill. Blood to drain. Blood to curdle with fear. Blood to feed a bruise. Blood to use as leverage. Soy tu madre y me respetarás a mí y a mis parejas románticas. My bones. Bones to break. Bones to burden. Bones to shake. Bones to squeeze. Bones to offer up to the altar of the wolves that you always seemed to love more than your own children. Tú odias a todos los hombres a quien yo amo. ¿Quieres que yo muera sola? Why? Why was I elevated to this position that I never applied to? Because it was done to you? Did you not realize that this was the cycle that gave you the wounds you hired me to soothe? Or is it that you knew the harm you were causing but, like a haunted video tape, you were compelled to pass it on to someone else to quiet the monster in your mind? You were my parent.  My first relationship.  My foundation. You were my bully. My first abuser.  My obligation. You didn’t know how to spoon-feed me love and security So I learned to lick love off of knives instead. A secret family recipe, passed down dutifully in a line.  I am starved. I am drained.  And simultaneously I am full to bursting. I was an empty vessel, but you had so much to pour. The salt of tears, spilled generations before either of us walked this earth, burns the cuts on my skin as you pour into outstretched hands that have long since run out of space. Where were my own tears supposed to go? I carry a bag of broken bones, slivered fragments mixed in with my own,  Splinters of trauma long since separate from culpability, ownership, or even names. The tired sighs of a long line of eldest daughters Each of them born with outstretched palms, immediately filled,  Expected to carry. Expected to feed. Expected to heal.  They left this world to me, and I grip it in sore hands. Is there a cast large enough to fix this? Is there a box strong enough to securely pack this into? Is there enough attic space to store this somewhere that isn’t my body? Can I set solid foundations that aren’t built on the capriciousness of those that never tried to heal? Can I find my own pieces, scattered amongst the grains of those that couldn’t even admit that something was broken in the first place?  I must. I will be the last eldest daughter of an eldest daughter.  The cracks in my skin will be stitched together with lines of silver and gold. It ends here with me. Sana, sana, colita de rana. 

[gay-disabled-characters-showdown]

LGBTQ+ Disabled Characters Showdown Round 1, Wave 4, Poll 12

A character being totally canon LGBTQ+ and disabled was not required to be in this competition. Please check qualifications and propaganda before asking why a character is included.

Check out the other polls in this wave and prior here.

Andrew Minyard-All for the Game

Qualifications:

He’s gay and has some sort of trauma disorder probably.

Propaganda:

Very gay, pretty commonly thought of to have some sort of trauma disorder, he’s neat. I have many thoughts about him as a character but I don’t really feel like writing them.

Chicory-Chicory: A Colorful Tale

Qualifications:

Just a hare full of depression. Chicory notes early on in her appearances that she often feels depressed and in general absolutely has depression. The LGBTQ+ part isn't 100% canon, but it's pretty widely accepted that Chicory is trans (to the point where I had to actively search to see if Chicory was confirmed as such for this because everybody accepts it as fact), and I've also seen many sapphic headcanons for her

Propaganda:

I love this hare so much. Okay so Chicory is a character who never really had friends or anything, had a very fractured relationship with her old mentor and had so many mental problems a the start of the game, since the levels of perfectionism, pressure and imposter syndrome she was dealing with at that point had been taking a toll on her for a while. Chicory was a wielder, who is the one responsible for coloring in the world until they pass down the brush, and was also connected to a recent wave of corruption (or rather, tied to the brush which was tied to the corruption. Chicory just blamed it solely on herself pre-chapter 6) that spawned due to her own emotions, which first began after she had defied the former wielder and became the new one without her blessing. The color ended up just disappearing one day, and Chicory ended up just leaving the brush outside her room for anybody to find it, wanting the cycle of expectations tied to it to be broken, though she still was tied to the corruption afterwards, which isn't great, because she was in a really horrible place and that only fueled things further, which was not great for anybody involved considering that the embodiment of her doubts about Pizza, the character who had since picked up the brush, being the new wielder came to confront them, and when Pizza asked her about this, she couldn't give Pizza a straight answer about the situation because of how much the whole situation took a toll on her. Then in chapter 5 she got to be hit with the realization that she wouldn't be given up on just because she thought she messed up, because, after being confronted by their own doubts, Pizza came back, and refused to give up on her. After chapter 5, Chicory gets to be in a healthier place overall, especially since she realized that the whole corruption thing wasn't her messing up, but was instead the result of the Brush responding to and materializing the emotions of all past wielders, with her own turmoil just being the breaking point instead of something which was her fault. She also gets to have Pizza, who makes things a lot easier. When the game ends, the Brush is destroyed and new brushes unaffected by the pressure placed on wielders are grown by Pizza and Chicory, Chicory absolutely isn't in a perfect place, because that's just how depression works. But she's healing, and helping pave the way to others being able to access color without the expectations she had to endure.

I know none of this clarified the trans-coded and sapphic-coded parts of her, so I will clarify that that headcanon was started due to the instances where Chicory is actually voiced being one where she's voiced by a trans woman and backed up by many different parts of her story. The sapphic headcanons largely came from her dynamic with Pizza, who does not have a canon gender (and is portrayed as non-binary by a lot of creators) but still ultimately spawned a lot of these headcanons, plus the fact that both Chicory and Pizza have gay love songs in their dev team assigned playlists which are very likely meant to tie them to each other and also lend a lot to Chicory being very sapphic.

Anything Else?:

I am so sorry for the propaganda section being so long. I just love her

Mod note: tell me why, despite the submission mentioning her being a hare multiple times I was still surprised when I went to do her image description.

[iravaid]

Oh man, now after reading your reply all i can think about is tommy in his twenties, having reached a place where he’s been through rehab and a whole bunch of therapy and has more knowledge of autism/aspergers and a greater understanding of mental illnesses and disabilities in general after having been forced to confront his own trauma and his struggles with addiction and whatnot, etc, reflecting on his relationship with simon and their childhood and all the mistakes and baggage those memories carry, and trying to reach out and talk with simon about it all, except of course simon doesn’t want to hear it at all, because the past should remain in the past, why would you go digging up things that best remain buried and forgotten?? And if that weren’t enough to send him running for the hills, tommy’s subtle comments about the autism thing would definitely get his fight or flight instincts kicking into high gear, because, sure, he might be awkward and blunt and not great in social situations, but that’s fine, that shit doesn’t matter in the military, not when he’s this damn good at his job, and it’s not like he gives a shit about playing the politics game and climbing up the ladder until he can laze about in some cushy office chair rubbing elbows with the brass or whatever, so it’s fine, he might be fucked in the head but he’s not sick or anything, he’s not some sort of nutcase, he’s not

Augh, absolutely, there's something very interesting in the concept of Tommy ultimately ending up better adjusted (relatively) than Simon by the time both of them are adults. Especially regarding self acceptance and unpacking the ableism they were raised with. I'm going to enter headcanon delusion land because we know next to nothing about Tommy so a quick warning on that lmao, but, we ball.

Although Tommy has had this immensely rough start, struggling with addiction and the feelings on inadequacy that might arise from living in his brother's shadow all his life, he's also been given the space and counselling that equipped him with better coping skills and vocabulary to both verbalise and recognise what happened to him and Simon as kids. I like to also think that, for a myriad of reasons and a myriad of people, Tommy has made that conscious effort to heal as well, to improve and try his damndest to break the cycle of abuse (even if that effort was ultimately cut short by forces far outside his own control.).

I'm not trying to say that Simon himself is actively perpatuating it, but he's had next to no guidance regarding the navigation of his own trauma, nor mightn't he fully recognise how deeply a 'bad childhood' might have effected him. I also see Simon's joining the army as both a blessing and a curse for him, because it probably did save his life: he got away from his dad, got strong enough to cast his father out of his home and life, got enough money to support the family that mattered to him and step up to be the 'man of the house', in his eyes. But it also, predictably, created a kind of situation where Simon got caught up in this machismo echo chamber/mob mentality reinforcing the more aggressive/violent aspects of himself in this wild cycle of adrenaline and dopamine and psoitive reinforcement for a mission well done. Rinse and repeat for two decades, and there's a guy with a lot of his self worth tied up in conventional but ultimately detrimental masculine qualities; where he's possibly too proud to recognise he's actively hurting from the things that happened to him as a child, let alone reach out to anyone in order to begin processing it in a constructive way. Why should he? He's Lieutenant fucking Riley.

It's a very interesting contrast, to me, that while Simon is the one who started out the more stable of the two brothers, the script is flipped between them when Simon returns from Roba's captivity. I wonder if Tommy feels a sense of eagerness to repay the debt he feels he owes Simon, for the former taking care of him during his recovery as a teen. I wonder if Simon feels resentful for 'losing' his place as the Riley patriarch/protector/provider to his younger brother, who got married and had a son and carved a place in the community for himself, all while Simon was running from his issues on some battlefield, in turn being greviously harmed by it and now has to battle with his own recovery.

They have such capacity for very deep love, they're connected both by their brotherhood and by the immense hurt their father caused. They also hold as deep a capability for harm and anger against the other, "This is my brother and I need a shovel to love him." kind of deal. Idk, ghost of their father still lingers where the skin is thin, and their shared proximity makes it seep. lol, lmao even

Augh, but I'm rambling, the thought of Tommy trying to gently broach the subject of autism/being autistic, and Simon having that kneejerk reaction of hypervigilance, aggression, anger at being 'accused' of such a thing, man. A constant cycle of trying to reach out and rejecting and reaching out and rejecting!! If only they had more time, maybe something kinder could have happened

[1000punks]

bonding. //the playlist

for the folks who want something to listen to while you read bonding., here are some of the songs that i felt fit the fic. ♡

if you want a detailed reason/analysis (song-by song) head under the cut. otherwise, enjoy. and thank you to everyone who supports this fic!

after midnight - wayv this song is all about the baser/physical aspects of intimacy, it's night-based, and it talks a lot about secrets and desires. my favorite line is: that someone's scent and someone's secret, someone's scent breaks the gap between each other - which i'm sure sounds more eloquent in chinese. (translation here!)

the summoning - sleep token i know this is the "token astarion thirst trap song" but i think i particularly like the lines: raise me up again, take me past the edge, i want to see the other side. new life, pushing boundaries in a healthy way.

rain - sleep token favorite lines: and i don't wanna get in your way but i finally think i can say that the vicious cycle was over the moment you smiled at me - nuff said.

hell above - pierce the veil cannot spend another night in this home i close my eyes and take a breath real slow the consequence is if i leave, I'm alone but what's the difference when you beg for love? this song is very astarion to me, i feel like it's reminiscent of his escape/kidnapping at the very beginning of the game, as well as that first sexual encounter.

first light - hozier another token astarion song! festé, to me, is very sun-coded. and i think this would be astarion's way of saying that he didn't know things could be this good before that damned imp walked unceremoniously into his life.

haunted - type o negative this part: a living flame, impossible to resist; burning me deep with every bite, kiss and lick. astarion's thirst, and the effect festé's blood and body seems to have on him. also, the way he can't figure them out even though they're very up-front about the things they say and do.

sexual healing - marvin gaye, kygo this one is pretty obvious but!

mother may i - coheed & cambria i wanted to grab this one as a nod to one of astarion's voice lines. but this line: god only knows when your word isn't pure, and the blood on your hands isn't yours screams to astarion's guilt for manipulating them. oopsie

boy division - my chemical romance this line: i buy my enemies rope to hang me and the knives to gang me; you can watch them stab me on your television referring to astarion feeling like he was complicit in his own trauma, and the anger that goes along with that. also the coffin part (:'D)

vampires will never hurt you - my chemical romance can you take this spike? will it wash away this jet black feeling? i think, deep down, he feels guilty for having to feed on them, and in general, being the way that he is. of course, they accept him fully but he doesn't accept that, not at the start. also heehoo vampire song

please please please let me get what i want - deftones good times for a change that's it, post. no but this version of this song to me speaks desire, not just melancholy and longing like the smiths (i honestly hate the smiths). deftones brought a more "feral" quality to this cover that i really like.

vore - sleep token your flesh and bone welcome me in, welcome me in are you in pain like i am? will we remain stuck in the throat of gods? will the pain stop if we go deeper? this one is for both of them, honestly. that moment where you realize that, emotionally and physically, you're in too deep with someone to quit, to cut things off.

irresistible - fall out boy this is just for the bdsm elements HAH. no but this entire song, i don't know why it fits them both exactly, but it does. the way they both go through the absolute worst trauma (both apart and together) and can still mostly laugh, shrug, make love, and keep on living.

w.a.m.s. - fall out boy my head's in heaven, my soles are in hell let's meet in the purgatory of my hips and get well on astarion's side, it's a song about feeling like he's the sum of his past deeds. on festé's, it's a song about meeting in the middle and being physically present.

big iron - marty robbins this... lmfao. i was listening to spotify on shuffle and i was like this is so... unserious. festé would love this song. but this (and the wanderer) point to the many adventures they've had before they met astarion. and how they're generally a judicious and "good" person.

the wanderer - dion festé slept around a lot before this, and on the surface, they might seem like a ripple on the water. moving around a lot, having lots of sexual conquests, etc. for as short as their life has been relative to astarion's, they've certainly lived a lot. he's changed them though, they want to stay in one place now.

drowning - radio company this is more under the surface with festé. i feel like if they were here in modern times, they would love folk and americana music. they may look like a thembo, but underneath that, they're emotionally complex and actually quite guarded. specifically this line: hold the day oh we pray to make it through the night i think would have been a hard-hitter in the very end of the netherbrain conflict. they were trying really hard to hold it together for the sake of everyone else, and that's something they really struggle with emotionally; feeling like the world rests on their shoulders.

forever ain't long - radio company take me to heaven or wherever you're from back where it started before the hurt came along this is love, plain and simple, from festé to astarion. it also hints at something they're going to go through in a much later chapter in the fic.

undisclosed desires - muse i listened to this a lot when i was writing //taking. festé is the type of top/dom that intensely cares about whoever it is that they're sleeping with. they're a service top, plain and simple. luckily, they're pretty forthcoming with how they approach topping someone else, though. they want to find exactly what the other person needs, and provide it. i know you've suffered but i don't want you to hide it's cold and loveless i won't let you be denied

coming of age ceremony - hyolyn, xia this song was another one i listened to a lot during //taking. it's about coming into a different role. it's the switch song. hahah it's actually a cover! i think the duet makes it really... sensual. give me twenty stems of roses so i can feel your love is a BAR. 20 roses is symbolic of sincerity and a deep belief in something, so i thought it fit well with the theme of commitment and exploration. (translation here!)

i'll keep you safe - sagun it's really simple, it's a lofi song. does what it says on the can. i imagine it being the background song to the two of them drifting off to sleep in each others' arms, as cheesy as that sounds. they haven't spent a night apart since act 2, give them a break.

tell it to my heart - meduza, hozier this is the song that plays in astarion's head whenever he gets really down on himself. i don't know that he'll ever truly believe he deserves someone like festé, and this is the little voice in his head confirming that. it alludes to him tending to misread situations that are actually innocent, which i think is something a lot of people who have trauma can relate to - jumping to the worst conclusions. what he doesn't know that deep down, they feel the same way.

it's not a side effect of the cocaine, i am thinking it must be love - fall out boy put your hand between an aching head and an aching world we'll make them so jealous we'll make them hate us those moments where astarion is trapped in his memories and he feels his imp touching him and grounding him back in the moment? yeah, i think of this line. they both want to show the other off, they're both so proud of each other and so DISGUSTINGLY in love.