#spn + even when you win you still lose

[shallowstories]

It feels good. Being God, that is.

Or maybe it just feels good to feel nothing.

///

Jack is surprised when the powers of Chuck wash over him.

It's not painful or ugly or horrible. It just feels tingly.

Weird.

And suddenly all that pain and confusion he'd been feeling since he got his soul back?

It just vanishes.

It's a relief.

[destiel-wings]

Did I miss Misha originally say Cas’s confession was platonic?

I don't think Misha ever said that. For as much as i know he was on the main team with Bobo Berens to actively fight to have the confession happen, so he definitely never thought it was platonic. He's always been quite vocal about how non platonic it was actually, like when in Italy the "I love you" was dubbed with the platonic version of it, "ti voglio bene" (instead of "ti amo", which is the romantic equivalent) he posted a video to criticize that embarrassing decision.

I think there's been a moment, right after the first spn conventions after the finale, when the first fan questions about the confession happened and extremely embarrassing replies were given by certain actors (I'm talking about the infamous reply that Jared gave to a fan asking about it), Misha got really upset (not at Jared, i mean, in general, because apparently even after the confession canonically happened IN THE SHOW, they still weren't allowed to talk about it, or about destiel as an actual thing), and so he may have been quite frustrated for a while, not expressing himself quite as strongly ad he did at first.

But I'm seeing the latest few cons that happened, mainly the latest two jibs, and all the amazing jenmish content we got in their panels together, and how slightly easier it's become for them to talk about it... i mean Jensen and Misha wrote a destiel song on the spot a week ago at the jib11, and Jensen said he would love to see the confession being adressed "maybe we will get to see that soon" and I'm being more hopeful.

And so Misha has been quite more at ease bringing it up again too, like this is another reply he gave last week at jib11:

The thing about destiel is, I think the people in power never wanted it to happen because they thought they would lose viewers and thus, money, tainting the franchise. I think most of the writers tried to slip it in anyway, through the subtext, and they were always allowed it to a certain extent because it worked, and it placed the show in a certain limbo where destiel was basically Schrodinger's cat. It was there and wasn't at the same time. The confession was fought for and i think the peole who cared about it did whatever they could, but still, they couldn't get a complete win since the ones in charge still refused to let Dean reciprocate. So that must've been extremely frustrating for Misha too, because he's one of the ones that really cared for it, and understood just how meaningful it was to many people, and the power it had, and it might have had if brough to completion.

I think Jensen went on board too, somewhere along the way, and he changed his mind for the better. Like, i still think that to him, Dean is probably straight, but he's been way more open recently (ever since the confession, and probably during season 15 too, since the moment he knew the story was going to lead there) and probably after seeing the impact it had, the fandom's reaction to it and the finale, he probably understood just how much it would mean to so many people. So even though he may definitely have a preference for Dean being straight IF THE NETWORK ALLOWED IT i really don't think he would be against a canonically bi Dean. Not anymore. I think he might actually go for it. For the fans.

And i think he's had talks with Misha about it.

But what i mostly mean when I say "it's become slightly easier for them to talk about it" is they have more room to do it, because either their NDAs are about to expire or Jensen buying the rights to the story gives him more power to disclose things and talk more freely. Please take all these words with a grain of salt because i don't work in the industry and these are just my personal speculations, but i think the main problem and cause of frustration with talking about destiel publicly for any of the actors has always been contractual. The show didn't officially take a position (denying Dean the reciprocation) and so all the public statements and opinions of the actors needed to contractually adhere to the "company line" (which i think may *only partially* explain Jared's infamous rant, as a horrendously clumsy attempt to avoid confirmation of destiel - note that I'm not justifying it).

Of course, the enraging thing is that while Dean's reciprocation is canonically up to discussion and subject to interpretation, Castiel's is not. So Misha has always been one of the few to be freer to talk about that specific moment, because Castiel's journey took a clearer stand.

But even that has been buried or blurred down to "interpretation" very often by others, taking another time a huge step back, to favor the colossal hiding of destiel and not risk a blatant confirmation from the show, officially, on both sides. So if Misha ever said anything about it being platonic (which i don't think he did), he was probably just ranting it out in extreme frustration or reciting it as a company line to survive from the snipers of the CW (just as the rest of the actors).

***

That's how i see it anyway. Sorry i went a little overboard with my reply, and brought up Jensen in the discourse too, but hopefully that answers it! :)

[piedpiperart]

DC x SPN prompt idea

Sam and Dean get a tip about a haunted mansion from Bobby and they go check it out. It’s Drake Manor in Gotham City, which wouldn’t be a problem since no one was supposed to be living there. Except there was.

Sam and Dean meet Tim as they break into his house. Tim at first thinks they’re burglars but notices they’re carrying strange occult stuff. Tim looks at their stuff for a sec and just goes oh, are you here for the ghost?

And the boys, who had thought the kid was a) not alive or b) some sort of creature, are a bit thrown that this tiny child was left alone for months dealing with this ghost haunting his house.

Tim explains that he thinks she’s the ghost of his previous nanny before his parents fired her, but says she doesn’t do anything harmful, just tries to keep him company or get him to eat more often. She only breaks stuff when his parents are around but she stopped after it got him in trouble.

While Tim is sad for his ghost friend to be gone, he absolutely questions the heck out of Sam and Dean about all sorts of supernatural creatures and ghosts. Sam shows him ways to stay safe and avoid places with signs, etc. Dean teaches him how to fight and shoot weapons.

Tim is like seven or eight and pretty much blackmails Sam and Dean into teaching him how to be a hunter, and Tim ends up finding missions for them because he turns out to be a better hacker than Sam and Bobby. He gets the hunters money, sets up a network of information where hunters work together, and makes gadgets and gizmos for the guys to use against creatures.

Dean and Sam are worried about this small child alone in the house but think he’s better off there than as a hunter out in the real world. They don’t expect Tim to force his way into helping them, and every so often when they need help or info they call Tim then remind him to do homework or eat something.

Their road-trips now have frequent stops by Gotham, and even Bobby’s been able to make the trip to meet the lil guy who hacks his computer every week.

Tim also still knows Bruce is batman, and eventually becomes Robin, right. So he’s off doing that and keeping the whole supernatural world secret from Batman. Sam and Dean however, know the kid too well and eventually find out Tim is Robin. They may or may not take that well.

But! Since Tim is already aware of the ways of browsing the news and internet for crazy interesting cases and crimes, he comes across some posts about a potential zombie. Lo and behold- it’s Jason! So Tim calls Bruce and gets them sorted out. Maybe Talia still finds a way to kidnap him though, or Tim fights her on his own to keep Jason and loses, etc.

Either way, Tim ends up on the outs with the family still because he thinks he’s just filling in for Jason. So when his parents die and Tim is in need of a fake uncle? Who else would he call but Bobby!!

Just imagining Bruce and Bobby in the same room oh man. No doubt Alfred and Bobby would get along or absolutely hate each-other and no in between. I think Bobby would win in a fight against Alfred though. Just sayin.

Que Tim taking a call from Dean while he’s patrolling, thinking he’s alone as he details how to graphically kill someone, only to hang up and turn to see Jason standing right there.

Just, many shenanigans for how Tim seems a bit more unhinged than they thought. Like yeah Robin doesn’t kill, can’t kill when you work for Bats, but Tim Drake the Hunter made no such promises. Tim’s like ‘my first kill-‘ and freaks out the bats until he saves it by saying he’s talking about a game.

Sam and Dean come for a visit and Dick is suspicious. Tim goes on hunter missions and comes back with unexplained wounds. One of the bats might see him kill something and the guy turns to dust. Tim’s like no one will ever believe you.

As Tim drifts away from the bats he goes on trips with sam and Dean or helps bobby upgrade his tech. He lets Dean keep a batarang.

Maybe when Bruce is stuck in the time stream the first person he calls is Dean and Sam and Bobby. They’re like oh hey meet Cas, who then is like “Batman should not be allowed to alter the timeline” and just brings him back. He starts maybe using Cas for emergencies, or Dean tells Cas to keep an eye on tim only for him to step in whenever Tim seems in danger, even when he isn’t. Que Tim trying to convince Cas to wear a disguise when rescuing him in the field, etc..

Or maybe Tim makes a deal with a demon! He brings back Bruce but is fantastic at loopholes and gets out of hell card. Maybe Crowley is angry and takes his spleen just cuz. Dean is not happy.

Supernatural occurrences in the field happen and Tim solves it easily. No explanation. Maybe Constantine comes to solve it only to take one look at Tim and go “fuckin’ hunters, geez”. Or alternatively Tim corrects Constantine, saying stuff like you mispronounced (insert Latin word) or something like that.

Just, overall Tim shenanigans because if one of the bats had knowledge of the supernatural it would totally be Tim.

[shallowseeker]

Hey shall, what's your favourite/fun headcanons on why cas keeps getting resurrected at first I tought it was cause god/chuck liked him (like remember when ppl in the destiel fandom talked about how chuck ships them... good times) Then yea, that just didn't turn out to be true lol

Ohh, this is fun. I have some nice uplifting ones and one very evil one. I could probably come up with a ton of these, and I'm not feeling super eloquent this week, but have my mental popcorn instead:

CHUCK/NETWORK NEEDED CAS -> Popularity ...and it bit Chuck in the ass because he accidentally allowed Cas to grow more and more powerful, even when he (and the writers) worked so hard to weaken him and kill him off. I don't have the exact quotes, but I know there are numerous instances that imply the writers worked hard to weaken Cas.

When the writers have to work to make Cas weaker, and to make Dean and Sam stronger, it shows that Cas is the bigger threat, in terms of cosmic power.

Emotional consequences: Because Cas is important to Dean, Cas is often resurrected specifically because Dean loses hope without him. After his first death, Cas literarily functions as The Lost Husband/The Animal Bridegroom/The Artificial Husband for Dean specifically. Unlike characters like Sam's Amelia (season 8), Dean is obsessed with clinging to his loved ones, saying to CAS: "I did not leave you!" and to NAOMI through CAS: "Take it! But you're gonna have to kill me first. Come on, you coward. Do it. Do it!" In his insistance to look for Cas in Purgatory and keep not giving up on Cas, he sets himself apart from his many mirrors. He's a lot like the human consort in many of the “supernatural spouse” tales, brave and insistent in his trials, even when death separates him from his lover. NOTE: Amelia Novak also becomes a heroine in this regard when she decided to go looking for her "lost husband," Jimmy Novak but becoming ensnared and dies in season 10. ANYWAY, Dean and Cas tend to die when the other isn't around, and they both get so depressed it makes for pretty abysmal watching. Chuck doesn't like Cas, but he needs Cas because Dean needs Cas. Dean won't behave unless he has Cas with him. DEAN from 13x03: "This life, hunting, monsters, there’s no joy in it. There’s nothing but pain, horror and death." And DEAN from 13x05: BILLIE: Maybe you’re not that guy anymore, they guy who saves the world, the guy who always thinks he’ll win no matter what. You have changed. And you tell people it’s not a big deal. You tell people you’ll work through it but you know you won’t, you can’t and that scares the hell out of you. Or… am I wrong? DEAN: What do you want me to say? Doesn’t matter. I don’t matter.

///

TETHERED TO A BROTHER or TWIN -> Functions as a thrown lifeline; i.e. one shield must fall before the other can

Not Cas-specific, but so long as your "tethered" twin is alive you cannot die. We see this with Amara and Chuck, that taking out Chuck requires killing Amara. This appears often in SPN, like with Charlie and There's No Place Like Home and the Wizard. It makes you wonder if Michael and Lucifer are similar. If you squint, Chuck does not seem able to kill Michael in 15x19 until after Lucifer has been killed. Makes you wonder if that was his intent on having them kill each other all along. That by having one kill the other, he could finally take out the son-rivals, as in the style of archetypical God-father who, because of their immortality, sees sons as threat to power. So what does that mean for Cas? Not sure, but he could be tethered to an angel that's still living. Maybe jack himself? (Or Dean's soul, for that matter.) It's assumed that Jack wakes up Cas, but there's juicy potential for it to have been Dean doing it all along, something Jack tapped into when Dean was screaming in grief during the Sam fight: DEAN: He manipulated him, he made him promises, said, ‘paradise on earth’ and Cas bought it and you know what that got him? It got him dead! Now you might be able to forget about that, but I can’t! [JACK looks distressed outside the room.] JACK: Castiel. [JACK’S eyes glow gold.]

///

MANY OF CHUCK'S REBELLIOUS CHILDREN ARE ACTUALLY CURSED TO BE RISING-AND-DYING GODS

As to quote Gabriel, "they are like cancer," he has to eradicate them, as they represent wars of old which are no longer needed. I know the rising-and-dying deity motif is something of a modern configuration, but since it appears in Remember the Titans, you have to wonder if this is a nature intrinsic to Cas himself. As angels are unable to sleep, they are unable to die. From 8x16: ZEUS: Tell me, has Prometheus experienced the child's death yet? [HAYLEY gives a nod.] How did he take it? Did he hurt? [HAYLEY nods again.] Good. ...I never get tired of watching you die. [ZEUS, holding SHANE up, says it right into his ear.] Your boy is going on the mountain. (Interestingly, the mountain forward-references to the episode Moriah.) From 14x08: COSMIC ENTITY: Stop interrupting! Start paying attention. I'm taking him. And where I'm taking you is worse than Hell… because at least Hell is something. Ohh. Ohh, God, they look scared. Does that hurt you? Good… because I want it to. In this interpretation, the Shadow is a higher God, and it has cursed Castiel for helping humanity the same way Prometheus helped humanity. It uses similar linguistics!

///

EVIL CAS/SHADOW MEANING -> God's most trusted double agent

Cas is resurrected by Chuck because he's secretly an intractable agent of Chuck, God's most trusted, analogues to how Ruby was "the best of those sons of bitches." This would take on a Christian overtone, that Chuck and Jack are the same person. Evil interpretation where Cas having been an agent of Fate all along. With this shadow meaning, "Cas helped" from 15x20 becomes especially ominous. But there's also "it's not the bait, it's the fish, I think they're beginning to anticipate me" from 15x06 right after Dean accuses him of being "the something that always goes wrong." There's something eerie in the idea that Chuck and Jack are in fact the same person, and Castiel is loyal to Him above all. "This lie won't hurt them," from Gimme Shelter etc etc. This would make Dean, like Sally in "Last Call" the real symbolic fish. If hunting is recklessness, fishing is patience, and Cas/God/Jack were being patient and fishing Dean's soul all along, baiting him with Love. Cas as a honey trap is a frightening thought, honestly, and although I don't prefer this shadow interpretation, it IS scary if someone wanted to explore it or have Dean simply fear this possibility, you know? Dean has an inherent fear of large powers, like Godstiel, and Jack's power, and he's right to fear it. At the end of the story, Cas and Jack are the only main characters still alive, so there's a real possibility that it is Cas who won the long game, not Chuck.

edit - there’s also cas has a soul theory, that he cannot sleep in the empty the sand way jack becomes aware of heaven in byzantium

[canonicallysoulmates]

J2 Main Panel ATLCon 2023

The panel starts with some dad jokes, then Jensen asks Jared how he's feeling, and Jared replies that he's feeling good, that he's been filming and mentions that he woke up at around 3am to go to the bathroom and he stayed up to watch the fights cause he didn't want to wake up to text messages about the results. Jensen says that now he knows that'll keep Jared up so he's gonna text him the results of the fights from now on.

Jensen flew in from Switzerland on Friday, that it was a long journey, and he's been on European time the past week so he's just started to assimilate to that and then he came back to the states so now his body is all confused; he does have some sleeping pills his doctor gave him but he says he hasn't used them yet.

Starting the questions, what would have Dean's ideal ending been for him? Jensen answers that he thinks there's probably a few different roads they could have gone down but in overanalyzing what did happen as much as he has, he does feel this was a pretty great way of doing it. That during their meet and greet they had been asked what their thoughts would have been if the situation had been reversed, if Sam had died and Dean had had to carry on, and Jensen replied that he doesn't think Dean would have been able to do it and he's not trying to say Sam cared less for his brother but he thinks Sam was the one brother that could have carried on for his brother. He doesn't think Dean could have put that ahead of his emotional trauma.

He thinks Dean probably would have spiraled and it would have been destructive and he probably would have said "why am I doing this? I don't have my partner", he feels like Dean would be doing anything he could to get back to his family while he thinks Sam had the ability and the insight to say "I'm doing this for my family". He feels like it really made more sense for Dean to be the one to go, and it made for really good TV. That that particular character to be the one to go down and Sam to be the one to carry the torch was a really good move from the writers that made for really good television, so he wouldn't change it. x

When Dean made the deal in s2, do they think it was more lenient for the demon to have granted Dean a year to live or was it more cruel? The fan explains that if the demon had taken Dean's life in that moment he might not have had any second thought about continuing living but then with the one year to live he would still feel Sam's love and Bobby's love which would make him unable to embrace death.

Jensen thinks demons always have a nefarious tactic to them, and that it was just better for the story. But he also thinks the fan is right that it definitely gave Dean an opportunity to battle with all of those situations, battle with wondering if he did the right thing but he thinks at the end of the day Dean would have done whatever it took to save his brother even if that meant dying right in that moment. He thinks the demon did that because they were hoping it would get better ratings 😂

If they had to one vs. one any creature or being from SPN who they think they would have the best shot with and how would it go down? Jared says leprechaun all he has to do is put a bunch of shit on the ground and they have to count it. Jensen goes siren that he would happily lose. But if he was trying to win, he doesn't know, maybe changelings cause they're kids. Jared points out he has trouble with human kids, he wants a monster kid, and Jensen quips that he has monster kids. x

Have any of their kids expressed a desire to be actors, and if they did would they encourage it or try to stear them in another direction? Jared says all three kids got to go to the Walker set recently and see what he does; Tom was like nope and Jared breathed a sigh of relief, Odette said no but she's a performer, and then Shep said he'd think about it as if it's something you do as a hobby to which Jensen says that it's funny cause when he asks Shep what he wants to do when he grows up he tells him that he wants to do what Uncle Jensen does, both boys start laughing and Jared says he'll go with that, that he likes that better that Shep said maybe he'll do what Uncle Jensen does.

None of Jensen's kids have expressed an interest in acting but he will say Arrow is quite the little performer, she's picked up piano on her own and she'll ask him to record her while she does some dance or performance, and she's just starting to learn to read now but for over a year she didn't read but she would hold books and make up a story and flip the page and continue out loud as if she was reading. He wants to allow the kids to follow any interest and not smother their curiosity, he wants to really encourage curiosity whatever avenue that might lead them down. x

How to do they get into the mindset for crying scenes and what is it like when it's over? Jared answers that he thinks he and Jensen are similar, that one of his least favorite things he can see on script is stage direction saying they break down or they cry, and in so many scenes in SPN that didn't say they break down they did and vice versa it would say they do but it didn't feel right so he feels like they just let the scenes happen, and he feels like as the seasons progressed it was one of those things where they'd do a scene and be like "oh wow that felt more powerful than I anticipated looking at the page" and, again, vice versa it would be a really sadly written scene but it wouldn't feel like something the characters would approach with sadness as much as frustration.

That pretty quickly they had a pretty good idea of who Sam and Dean were and then as the show progressed the writers kinda wrote Sam and Dean to Jared and Jensen and so they trusted them like if it was a scene where they make a joke they wouldn't write Dean says kiddingly or Sam says emotionally they'd just write their dialogue and let them do their thing.

Jensen adds there's also a large capacity of confidence within the character that they had as actors and to brag on Jared a bit he remembers watching him, cause in the first season in the episode Heart Sam loses Maddison and has a really emotional scene, and Jared really got into a headspace that day and Jensen remembers watching him on set being in the corner, sitting on the floor and kinda rocking. And these lighting set ups can take half hour to 45mins sometimes and Jared was staying in that emotional headspace, you can't do that 10hrs a day and he remembers asking Jared what he was thinking about and Jared replied that he was thinking about his dog Sadie dying 😭

And how emotionally taxing that must have been for him to do that for several hours just to stay in an emotional state so when they yell action he could shed tears. Jared says that was the last time he ever did that, and Jensen continues saying he watched him as not just a scene partner and a friend but he got to watch him as an audience member and see Jared figure out a way to tell Sam's story through actual emotion that he had for the character and so when they got to s15 and they had that barn scene those weren't two actors thinking about something else that made them emotional so that they could put on an emotional face for the character, these were two actors that were so deeply invested and confident in their character that all they had to think about was Dean dying and Sam losing his brother and the tears and the emotion just swept them up.

It evolved over the course of the show and getting out of it when they yelled cut- you're essentially tricking your body into thinking something horrible is happening and your body is reacting. Jensen remembers when he was recounting Dean's experience in hell to Sam and they yelled cut and he had to walk away cause his body was shaking cause his body was thinking that he was going through something traumatic and he says what's interesting is that those leave little scars on your heart, those leave little impressions on your soul because your body reacted to what it thought was real and even though they knew in their brain it wasn't they went through that process physically. So he had to go and walk it off cause he couldn't stop the tears, they just kept coming and his body was shaking.

Jared also mentions that they're both Texan born and bred, the idea that someone's like well if you do a crying scene you're gonna go home and you're gonna feel exhausted cause your body's been crying Jared would scoff and say he's acting, he's memorized the lines but that it's legit having done it now for 23 years and 450 episodes of television you do a regular or happy scene and you go home, but you do one where your brother is dying he says he slept for days after they shot that barn sequence, he had no energy, he had no dopamine in his body and it was weird cause he'd sleep 8hrs but he couldn't even get out of bed.

Jensen says it's strange that an emotional scene is more physically taxing on you that a day of fight scenes but it just is, it's coming from within, it just exhausts you. But it's also like those days filled with fight scenes where at the end of it you really feel like you've hung your hat on that day, you put in the work today and that's always a good feeling when you feel like you've really delivered. x

Favorite flavor of pie? Jared starts to recite pi, his actual answer is pecan. Jensen says it's been a long road for him and pie that began when he met Dean Winchester but that long before he met Dean he had a wonderful grandmother that he got to grow up with and see her just about every week if not twice a week and she made the world's greatest chocolate meringue pie and every now and again if he was good he'd get to go to his gran's house and get some chocolate meringue pie and he misses that terribly. Aww, Jensen 🥹

Was Ben actually Dean's? Jensen says he likes to think that he wasn't, and the reason is because if Dean thought that Ben was his the Sam and Dean story would have been over and Dean would have commited himself to that situation. x

Could Sam and Dean have been convinced by Charlie to try a D&D oneshot and if so what class might they play? These men are confused, Jared says he doesn't know what half of those words meant so the fan has to explain to them what a oneshot is, it's one game that can last several hours. Jared says hell yeah, and then asks why it's called oneshot the fan explains that it's because it's a game that only lasts one day instead of a campaign that can last months or even years, the fan mentions they know of games that have gone on for 30yrs which stuns the boys. Jared says he doesn't think he could commit to that, Jensen says he can't even get through a game of Sorry! to which Jared says Jensen can't get through a game of rock, paper, scissors without getting bored.

Sam would do it, Jared would not cause he thinks he'd get horribly addicted to it. Jensen is still confused, and Jared tells him he'll research it and explain it to him 😂

Have they developed any of Sam and Dean's mannerisms? Jared says Jensen has- Jensen keeps asking about D&D.

Getting back to the question, Jared replies that it's hard to say, it's hard to differentiate what started with him and made it on camera as Sam. That they spent probably just about as much time playing Sam and Dean than thinking about how Sam and Dean would react when they call action. If you film for 12 or 15hrs a day that's not a lot of takes there's as much time if not more off camera preparing for that, so Jared and Sam- he doesn't know who's who, but Sam is much more serious than Jared.

Jensen says he probably borrows Dean's bravado from time to time and that's not to say it's all his but as Jared said it's a huge hybrid of their mannerism and what they thought would serve the character so a lot of what's seen on screen is just them being comfortable in the character and a lot of similarites are there so there's a lot of crossover and you might see them do something and think it's something Dean would do or Sam would do and that's because it's something they do that they did while playing the character. x

What supernatural themed shows would they reccomend watching? Jared says Twilight Zone, the original. It's nice, scary, short and fun. Jensen says Angel since the fan is finishing Buffy. x

If both Sam and Dean had kids would they have watched horror shows with them and what would it have looked like? They say it would be more like training videos. x

What's their favorite song? One of Jensen's favorites is the Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin that he plays it as often as he can in the car for his kids. Jared says Just Breath by Pearl Jam that it was the first song he heard when he became a dad. x

How do they both deal with stage fright and anxiety, if they get it? Jared says that while it might sound a little strange and a little dark he thinks about other parts of the world and what's going on cause he'll really get into his own head thinking about all sorts of stuff like his son not scoring as high on something as he'd like to or his dog being sick so he thinks about what's going on in the rest of the world right now and all the unfortunate stuff people are dealing with and it kind of makes it go away, and he remembers that all he's trying to do is try to bring joy and trying to bring entertainment. He's not saving lives or curing cancer, he's just hoping to have a good time and help somebody else have a good time and it kinda makes it melt away a little bit.

For Jensen it's a game of numbers the more you do it, the easier it becomes the better you feel, the more confident you feel. It may be though at first but the more you do it- and also anxiety, nerves, fear if you allow those things to constantly deter you from doing what it is that's bringing that to you he doesn't think you ever get to truly live life. He thinks overcoming those fears, overcoming that anxiety that's really where the gratification lies and then shining in those moments is largely rewarding. If you're not hesitant, if you're not nervous getting on stage you're one of very few, everybody gets it but you can also use that feeling and turn it into energy, turn it into excitment, turn it into something you can put in your performance and hopefully it rewards you for the rest of your life. x

Last week Jensen said there was going to be news about his new project, has the announcement been made? Can he talk about it? Also, have their shows been renewed? I love Jared's reaction because he jokingly goes "don't drag me into this, I didn't say I was going to be making an announcement today at the con in Atlanta" as he turns towards Jensen and puts his hands on his hips 😂

So, Jensen says that he had been told by the people in charge of this project that there would be a press release, that has been held up for reasons that he doesn't know, all he knows is that everything's done and it's just semantics now. But it's out of his control, it's up to tptb, the brass, those who control the checks and when he sees it we'll see it but it's exciting and we'll just have to wait because he doesn't know. And as far as their shows they also have no news because CW hasn't told them so when they know we'll know. x

What songs pump them up for working out? Jared starts to mention the song from Deadpool but Jensen goes "Celine Dion?" and they have a little joking back and forth about it but the song Jared actually meant is Welcome to the Party. Jensen shares that a fun fact about Jared is that he likes to remind Jensen that that song is what he likes to kick a heavy bag too every time it plays, and every time Jared tells him that he tells Jared he's told him that 37 times. Yeah, this is married behavior because this can't be something that is playing that often on the radio or coming up casually.

Jensen says he usually goes old school with his workout playlist but he doesn't have a curated one he just goes to like Spotify and picks something from there, he also mentions the song Welcome to the Jungle by Guns N' Roses. x

When is Jensen going to release the song that he and MC made? Jensen says he'll have to track him down but they're still workshopping that one, it was an impromptu writing session they had but he'll be honest he was impressed with MC's ability to not hit any notes that it was alarming, he was terrible 🤣

Gonna take a second to thank God for having no idea what the fuck this person is talking about 🙌

Last question! Why did Sam drive 4hrs to Pontiac, Illinois to bury Dean after he died in No Rest for the Wicked? Jensen makes the joke that that's where he rose...so he already had a plot. I'll give it to him that was a good one!

Jared answers that you always want to leave the scene of a crime before burying a dead body so he thinks Sam was just looking for the first place he could get where the law wasn't following him. Jensen says that honestly that's a good question that he doesn't have an actual answer for, he doesn't know why the writers decided to do that, usually the writers have some insight or writer trader information like Pontiac, Illinois might be where their first girlfriend was from and that's what they'll write in there but but they don't tell that to them, that's not in the script.

And then Rosenbaum semi-crashes the panel to "ask a question" if they can raise the money if they can give him a ride in the car they have in their garage, Jared says no 😂

And I'm wrapping up this post by pointing out two things the first one is that Jared and Jensen were sitting so close during this panel that they might as well have sat on each other's lap, and that there's this cute moment at the end of the panel where Jensen says "give it up for my man, Jared Padalecki" 💖

J2 Main Panel Atlanta Con 2023

[eisforeidolon]

I'm just wondering is being a guest actor in a show a bad thing. It seems some think since Jensen isn't a lead on another show after being one for 15 years that he is somehow less than now. I'm pretty sure he isn't living check to check since SPN ended. I also think that if Walker wasn't in Austin JP wouldn't even be on another show. I just hate all the bias that goes on. People always say there is no competition but every time I read stuff it sure feels like it.

I mean, the Js might not be competing, but some of their stans sure as fuck are. If you were able to dig back far enough, you'd find that a lot of those making derisive remarks about Jensen not immediately doing another lead role? Are for the most part the exact same stans who, when Jared was making noises about retiring/partially retiring and maybe just doing guest spots on friends' projects, were going on and on about how it was so awesome that he was at a place in his career after all the years on SPN that he could choose what he did/didn't want to do, including taking a step back. Funny how that works out. If my fave does it, it's winning! 🙄

We randos on tumblr have no idea if Jensen wasn't offered any lead roles, wasn't offered any lead roles he wanted, wanted to develop a lead role on a project himself and is still working on it, doesn't actually want to stick to one project right now after 15 years doing the same thing for lead hours, etc.

Furthermore, there is also a world of difference between an actor who has spent most of their career on the CW taking a supporting/guest role on another CW show where the highest rated programs rarely crack 2M viewers on their very best day and it's basically the same audience that already knows you? Versus taking supporting/guest roles on Amazon and ABC programs which can expand your network of contacts and your familiarity to new audiences.

Now that Jensen and Jared aren't making the exact same career choice anymore as co-leads, some stans are determined to prove their fave is "better". The Jared stans insisting Jared is totes winning because he's a lead on one of the CW's top shows while obviously no one has even considered Jensen for a lead role because surely he'd take anything, lol. The Jensen stans insisting Jensen taking smaller roles on bigger networks is totes winning because literally anybody could be a lead on a struggling network like the CW, lol. Again, if my fave does it, it's winning ( and so obviously the other one is losing)! 🙄

For my part I'm just glad they're both still steadily working away on projects they seem excited about.

[draculagerard]

Welcome one and all to the second day of whatever this is!

I’m losing my shit over the recap idk why it’s just so funny

THAT POOR GUY WAS JUST TRYING TO TAKE A PISS THATS GOTTA BE ONE OF THE WORST WAYS TO DIE

K so I know she’s dead and all and that really is sad and tragic but her headstone is really nice actually? Did you know the price for a pillow headstone like that would start at 1,500$(CAD) which is insane. Anyway you’re welcome for that fun fact 👍

Oh shit that scared me just as much as it scared Sam

Dean is such an asshole actually. <- that’s not even specifically about anything either, just a general statement

I’m begging this show to treat women like actual real life human people, like I know they don’t the entire show run but holy fuck

Actually almost as soon as this episode started things started looking familiar and I looked it up and while yes, the pilot was filmed in LA, almost the entirety of the rest of the show was filmed in Vancouver. That’s actually code for ‘we really filmed all over the lower mainland but we don’t want to get too broad or too specific’ watch me start and point things out that I recognize from here on out. (Season 1-5 of the x-files were filmed in Vancouver and I straight up seen science world in the background)

OBSESSED WITH THE DRAMATIC ZOOM INS ON THE RIPPED UP TET

ROY YOU DUMBASS

Love when shows in the 2000’s just casually call indigenous people Indians. Tbh I feel like it bothers me less than it does some people because even now it’s so used in even a professional setting because it’s still the ‘correct’ term. Like real life if you were to search up ‘what is a rez’ the first definition would be ‘a North American Indian reservation or reserve’ not important to spn or anything just interesting

YESS MOLOTOV COCKTAIL THAT BITCH

OOOOH NOOOOOO

shoot it WITH FIRE

They are aware that... women aren’t like that... right? Like maybe she might act like that but... they’re not gonna do this to the rest of them... RIGHT?

also sam you've brought this upon yourself be prepared for like 1 pf these a day

WIN

yeah silly show silly recaps <3 <3

RIGHT WLKJRKFE ITS SO FUNNY

FOR REAL?? THAT IS INSANE YEAH . thank you for the fun fact belle

YEAH right!!! I just watched the first 2 and a half episodes yesterday so it's fresh in my mind

NO LIKE FOR REAL. HES SO. UGH.

literally oh my god. baby seasons change but 15 years of spn bigotry dont

NO FOR REAL!! ALSO OOOH i did not know that!!! that's so interesting

IT'S SO FUNNY

LITERALLY ROY YOU DUMBASS.

OOOH huh for real?? About the part where you look that up and it still says that. yeah , yeah i hear you

LITERALLY <3

when in doubt, use a special gun in the white american gun show!!!

im not sure they are. also yeah brace yourself it's just like this forever... does it get better? yes. but marginally and like it gets worse in some other aspects of misogyny SO

i'm literally so excited belle you dont understand... also this is nothing sometimes i woke up to 100+ dm notifs from Noah drop-of-infinity reacting to spn episodes <3

[sinnabonka]

It’s spec time: Love always wins

(Okay, I promised it, I’m doing it, there’s no stopping me now.) 

For the last three days I’ve been all over the place emotionally, clinging to every post saying Cas is not dead dead, saying his story is not done, but then someone wrote the “but” post and, there I go again, down the bottomless pit of angst. 

I’ve been a Schrödinger believer for so long with this show, one can get used to it. 

I know I’m not the only one feeling this way, regarding whether Cas is coming back or not. We won’t know till we know ©

Ep 19 speculations here

But let's speculate!

Apparently, there's nothing better for me to do way past midnight on Saturday and on Sunday morning (when I’m writing this). 

What makes us think 15*18 might indeed be the end of Castiel’s story:

Everything the crew and Misha told us, officially, is pressing toward Cas dying permanently in this scene. “Proud ending”, indeed. 

Castiel’s story has the perfect symmetry this way, with the handprint, the “Hello, Dean” - “Goodbye, Dean”, and the whole “Dean Winchester is saved” theme.

He is smiling, while Empty takes him, he’s content with his sacrifice. 

Something about Castiel’s monologue didn’t sit right with me for some time. The whole point of happiness being not in having, but in being and saying, gave me an idea of it being the way writers say we can’t have Destiel, but we should be happy to know it’s real and to hear it said aloud after all those years. 

Supernatural had to be the story of two brothers and their journey, and Winchesters driving in the sunset is the most probable endgame we are gonna get. 

Even though all those points seem valid, we can’t trust any of it. 

Let me fix it for you:

It wouldn't be the first time the crew lied about someone being on set. 

The handprint was not scripted. I repeat, the handprint was not scripted.

Castiel’s monologue could be just about loving Dean, and it’s just my poor wounded heart looking too deep into it and seeing my angstloving reflection on the bottom of the well. 

And Supernatural might indeed be about family, but, as we know, family doesn’t end with blood, and doesn’t start with it either. Cas is family, after all. 

I’m glad be are clear on this one.

What tells us Cas is coming back and we are getting Destiel endgame:

(Brace yourself, it’s gonna be wordy)

1. The most obvious, without rewriting his memory or going OOC, there’s no happy ending for Dean (not the crappy bittersweet substitute) without Cas. 

Even without the love confession in place, we’ve seen what Cas’ death did to him before, it shuttered him to pieces. Imagine the damage it's gonna cause now! 

“I love you, I always did, bye bye now, have a long and happy life knowing my feelings for you have killed me dead.” Really? No win can make up for it.

2. My fave point, aka the natural dynamics of storytelling. The big loss predicts the big win. The deeper the wound, the brighter the prize. Following the roller coaster this season has been, we should be up for a pretty high damn up pretty soon. 

So, there’s The Big Loss (losing Eileen, all of their friends, all the people on Earth and Cas). 

Next - The Big Win (defeating God, getting their free will back, getting humanity back). 

Then, we should have The Big Regret and Reflect moment (Sam and Dean talking a lot at this point, realization of things which are important, what they want with Chuck gone). 

And at the end, there’s The Ultimate Happy ending waiting for us (see point 1 again in case you are not sure what that means).

3. You know what, forget it, this one is my favorite. The parallels. Throughout this season we’ve been spoon-fed with context (Geez, it feels nice to finally know we are not crazy, we are not seeing things, we got it all right!) and writers chose to do so via parallels, via reflections, subtle hints. 

It would be some lazy storytelling to shove everything to our faces, so, instead, we’ve got: Charlie and Stevie, Sam and Eileen, the world and humanity, Dean and Cas. 

Everyone separated. Forever? No, not really. And I don’t buy everyone getting their loved ones back, except Dean. C’mon.

4. Unresolved love confession. Yes, Cas might have died with a smile, meaning it’s enough for him to speak his truth and be gone. But Dean? Him sobbing in the dungeon, ignoring Sam’s calls (he literally never chose anything above Sam before), the “Don’t do this, Cas” part - it’s the lowest he’s ever been. 

To sum up, Dean didn’t get his closure. He might have needed five to six business days to process, but he still has his truth he has to find out and then give a voice to. 

And yeah, I know, he could confess via prayer or something, but we all know that’s something needed to be said face to face.  (Btw, he already confessed to Cas in purgatory via prayer once, you can try and prove me wrong, but good luck with that, sunshine.)

5. The perfect symmetry. If I were in SPN writers room, I would literally cry my eyes out of joy at the symbolism this ending gives. I would literally fight everyone against it. 

The broken man not deserving to be saved is dragged from Hell by the most loyal and righteous angel Heaven ever seen. 

VS

The fallen angel not deserving to be loved is dragged from Empty by the most loving and caring man the sun shone on.

I mean, c’mon, people. Poetry.

(We are nearing a very important thing here, fasten your seatbelts, please.)

6. The message the show wants to give the world has changed. From “it’s all about the journey, about saving people, killing things, no one ever gets what they deserve”, the philosophy has changed drastically toward the “good things do happen, you deserve to be saved, to be loved”. 

Come and see what lane we are walking right now: allowing yourself to love again, to experience things again / losing the love of your life a moment later / fighting for your love / winning your love back. 

I believe the final message is: love always wins. 

Love is not one’s weakness, love is power, love is strength, it’s a perfect fuel. 

Humans declare war in the name of love, kill and get killed in the name of love, but, most importantly, humans live and win those wars in the name of love, too. 

7. Go big or go home is on the table, and no one goes home this time. 

Supernatural was a bunch of broken glass for soooo long, I think this time writers are gonna give us something good, for a change. Not bittersweet good, but actually cotton-candy-almost-diabetes-sweet good.  

Why? 

Because *loud and clear* we deserve having good things happening to us! 

Also, it’s The End, the creators have nothing to lose, but, on the other hand, the ultimate happy ending would allow them to leave an enormous mark on the world and Supernatural to be known as the only show that actually could.

To sum up:  

Dean can’t be happy with Cas gone and, following the logic of prebuilt parallels, he won’t have to - everyone gets their loved ones back at the end, because love always wins. 

Cas might be at peace with speaking his truth, saving Dean and being gone, but it is not fair, Dean also deserves a chance to be heard. 

Few seasons ago I would laugh in my own face for these arguments, but the philosophy of the show has been transformed. During the last few years we were being prepared for this moment, slowly, gently being led toward this moment. 

Supernatural has to give us the Destiel endgame to prove their point.

click x click for more

[sortasirius]

what makes you think the writers want deancas? not trying to be an asshole, i'm just genuinely curious as to why you think that. i know berens' episodes are pretty heavy with subtext so i can see why you'd say that he wants it, but i'm not so sure about the rest of the writers/dabb. it seems like meghan isn't a huge fan either, given her "they twisted it so fast" tweet :/ of course she's a very new writer (think she's only writing one ep this season?) but still

OKAY this is a great question, welcome to my dissertation.

I’m going to address the end of your question first. Meghan is actually DeanCas positive, she has been for quite a long time. She actually, a few years back, posted a picture of her reading a literal book about Destiel and captioned it “writing reading” or something like that.

This whole thing just comes out of a boiling over of tensions because of how nasty fandom twitter can be. Like I said here, I think this has just gotten blown out of proportion, they shouldn’t have posted all this randomly disparaging stuff, but also like...can you blame them? The fandom is a lot, we always have been, and they’re probably also under a gag order not to talk about the finale, and are annoyed that people keep asking.

So nah, Meg is not anti Destiel.

To the first part!! So let’s take a look at the show runners since Cas has been around.

Seasons 4 and 5: Kripke

Seasons 6 and 7: Gamble

Seasons 8-11ish: Carver

Seasons 11ish-15: Dabb

So starting with Kripke. Okay, yes, I will be the first to admit that we have some pretty incredible Destiel moments in these seasons, but it’s less directly written into the plot and much more from Misha and Jensen’s uhhhh ~chemistry~. The only times it was directly written into the script was when the episode was handled by someone like Edlund (“On The Head Of A Pin,” “The End,” “My Bloody Valentine”). And you have to remember, if in season 5, there are moments here and there where you’re like huh that’s suspiciously romantic dialogue, remember that Cas took Anna’s place. Anna was supposed to be endgame for Dean, but due to a myriad of issues and Misha’s general greatness, Anna was replaced with Cas.

Onto 6 and 7. Hmmm. Gamble. 6 and 7 are my two least favorite seasons and that’s no secret, and that’s not only due to the plain old weird shit in the overall storyline, but also that homegirl killed off Cas in s7 and then Bobby like four episodes later. (Also it ALWAYS rubbed me the wrong way they couldn’t have Baby in that season lol). We still had some great DeanCas moments, but again, it wasn’t really written into the overall arc (until they had to change the end of season 7 because of tanking ratings and bring Misha back lol, anyone remember the fact that Dean kept Cas’ jacket and would randomly dream of him? Yeah.). But we still had those moments, those distinctly romantic moments, probably the best example in these two seasons is from Edlund again, specifically “The Man Who Would be King,” I wrote a little about that here.

We move onto Carver, who gave us, at this point, the most overt DeanCas season with season 8 (season gr8 is a better name imo), and this is the first time Dean and Cas’ relationship is directly written as an arc of the season.  I mean, you have everything in Purgatory, Dean “seeing” Cas everywhere, the fact that he felt so guilty that Cas stayed in Purgatory that he manipulated his own memories to think that he was the one that failed Cas, because he couldn’t comprehend that Cas would want to leave him, and let’s not forget Dean snapping Cas out of Naomi’s hold on him in “Goodbye Stranger.”  It was a very obvious shift, not enough to alert the general audience, but more than enough for most of us in fandom.

It’s also important to note that this is when Andrew stopped co writing with Loflin and started writing his own episodes (”Hunter Heroici” anyone?)  I like Loflin fine, but Dabb was able to stretch his legs a little bit more once he stopped co-writing, and we also began to see some DeanCas themes in his solo episodes.

In any case, them and their issues being a big part of the seasons continued with Carver, and Berens entered the scene, his first episode (”Heaven Can’t Wait”) is one of my favorites, with human Cas and the fanfiction gap and Dean and Cas just generally being awkward and funny and sweet.  This is Bobo’s FIRST episode, remember that.  He comes right out of the gate with it.

Also in Season 9, this is when Dean takes the Mark of Cain, and the Cas/Colette mirror is born, so obviously, Dean and Cas are the fabric of the season once again.  This is also the season where Metatron says Cas is “in love with humanity,” and then immediately refers to Dean as Humanity so uhhhh yeah.

Onto season 10, Dabb and Berens continue with their greatness (I could write pages on the DeanCas date in “The Things We Left Behind” alone).  And then we have one of the best scenes in the entire show in “The Prisoner” where the Cas/Colette mirror continues and Dean, driven by grief and pain and rage and the Mark, still doesn’t kill Cas.  He still can’t kill Cas.

Season 11 is important because it takes choice away from both Cas and Dean, and shows us, as the audience, how much losing each other takes out of them. We saw in season 10 how much losing Dean takes from Cas, but what about Cas losing Dean?  Dean loses his choice with his connection to Amara this season, and loses even more when Lucifer reveals he’s been possessing Cas, and plays on Dean’s connection to Cas like a mockery.  It’s also worth noting that, similarly to season 8, Dean breaks out of the connection with Amara when he’s worried about Cas, and that’s something that even SHE is surprised by.

But then season 12, the beginning to the Renaissance.  This is when we get the writer’s that become important for what Dean and Cas are today, and, truly, why I believe they want canon Destiel as much as we do.

This is the first season with Dabb’s writers: Davy Perez, Meredith Glynn, Steve Yockey, and of course Bobo all come in with their incredible talents and gave us episode after episode of good content.  “Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets” is probably my favorite, probably the best example of what I’m saying.  An episode where Dean is called out by an enemy directly, told to “roll the dice” on Cas’ life.  And Dean won’t, it’s not even really a hesitation.  And this comes from a character that has known Dean for ten seconds.  I also wrote more in depth about this episode here.  There are also some.....distinctly domestic details we get this season, specifically in “The Future” (written by Berens and Glynn) with the mixtape.  The most tropey of tropes mixtape.  Yeah, I’ll just leave that one here.

And then season 12 ends with Cas’ death, but also with the parallel between Sam and Dean with Jess and Cas.  Sam literally has to drag Dean away from Cas, just like Dean had to drag Sam out of his burning apartment in the pilot.  The episode drives it home in every way that it can: Dean is the one left kneeling by Cas’ body, while Sam goes to find out what is upstairs.  Dean is the one who stares at the sky, finally broken.  This isn’t a random thing, this is Dean’s whole arc, it’s the entirety of the beginning of 13.  Dean’s pain, his anguish, his anger.

Season 13 starts with them burning Cas, with Dean, who has begged God to bring him back, who has split his knuckles punching a door, standing, staring at Cas’ pyre with brokenness on his face.

I mean.....

Anyway, season 13 is where it gets interesting (well, I think all of this is interesting but I’m a writer nerd so).  So Cas comes back from the Empty in “Advanced Thanatology” written by Steve Yockey, and then a wombo combo of “Tombstone” by Davy Perez next (”Brokebacknatural” as the PR said at the time).  Listen.  This is the part that SPN crossed a line that they couldn’t come back from.  With Cas being Dean’s “big win,” the fact that Dean and Cas watch movies together, “I told you, he’s an angry sleeper.  Like a bear.” Talked about it here.

This is where, in my opinion, the network stepped in, but the damage was already done.  They had already established that Cas was Dean’s big win, that Dean’s poor coping was not due to Mary’s disappearance, but solely due to Cas, and that Dean and Cas have more married energy than anyone else.  The network had nixed blatant canon at this point, and they writing room had been pushing the boundaries of what the network would allow. 

After these episodes, we see a marked drop off of DeanCas heavy scenes.  They’re still there, still a part of the fabric of the season, but not as...obvious as it had been in early season 13.

And this continued through season 14, we’re back to scraps of Destiel scenes here and there, but to me it always felt like there was something bubbling under the surface, something distinctly unsaid in the themes of the season, even after the walk back of obvious “Dean and Cas are in love” scenes.

And then we get to season 15, which, y’all know I talk about all the time.  What’s important here is that Bobo and Glynn are both executive producers, calling more of the shots than ever before.  Additionally, it’s important to note that, though they only co write occasionally, Glynn and Berens refer to each other as “work husband” and “work wife.”  Each episode has just turned up the volume, and, not for the first time, but certainly the most obvious, Dean and Cas ARE the season.  Sure, they’re trying to beat God, they’re trying to finally find peace, defeat the final big bad, but really?  This season has been about Dean, and Dean’s relationship to Cas.

And not only do we have obvious and clear Destiel in nearly every episode, but we have episodes like “Last Call” which canonize bi!Dean (wrote about that here).

And, maybe most importantly so far, we have “The Rupture,” the breakup, and “The Trap,” Dean’s confession (both written by Berens).  And here’s the thing.  These episodes feel connected, but also feel like they’re missing something.  Beren’s last episode is 15x18, “The Truth.”  We’ve all spec’ed about what could happen in this episode, and I think *I* know what it’s leading to.  But for it to be leading to that, it means that the network has to have approved what we’ve all been waiting for years for.

Who got this change to happen?  Who got the network to change their minds?  It wasn’t us.  It was them.  I am fully convinced that Dabb and Berens quite literally put their careers on the line for Dean and Cas.  They believe in them, they’ve shown that from the beginning, but the only thing standing in the way was the network, never allowing them to take the final step. 

So, to answer your question: I think the writers want canon DeanCas because they’ve already shown us that they do.  Take a look at their episodes, at Dabb’s, at Beren’s, at Glynn’s, at Perez’s, at Yockey’s.  They’ve been telling us what’s going on with Dean and Cas for years.

Sure, I’m not in their heads, I guess I don’t know for *sure* that this has been their thought process, but if we put it all together, from the marked shift when Dabb fully took over in s12, to the change right after “Tombstone,” to the new shift, the blatantly romantic shift in season 15, what else is there?

I’ve said for a long time that we, the SPN fandom, are beyond lucky to have the writer’s that we do.  They’re all going to go on to have prolific careers and we were lucky to get them at the end of our little show.  I give them a lot of credit for what we have in the show today.

Just remember, they’ve been telling us in all of s15 who Chuck is.  He says he’s the writer, right?  But a writer who doesn’t have control of his characters?  A writer who wants to do the same ending over and over because it “works”?  That doesn’t sound like a writer, it sounds like a network exec.

They’ve been showing us what they want for years, and the way s15 is going?  I think they may have convinced the network to let us have it.

[curioussubjects]

I feel bad discussing spn now that’s over but I’ve been wondering. Do you think dean actually meant it when he said “why does that something always seem to be you” (15.03)? Usually people blurt out what’s on their mind all of a sudden even if they didn’t mean to say it out loud. But it comes out because the person either thinks about it or actually believes it. Do you think at one point Dean truly blamed Cas for Mary? I mean, putting 15.09 aside of course.

Why do you feel bad discussing SPN now the show’s over, anon?? Don’t feel bad!

The short answer to your question, in my view, is that Dean was lashing out because of how his unaddressed trauma over Cas dying (cf. 7x01, purgatory, 12x23) gets entangled with him processing his grief over Mary and Jack. Everything is further exacerbated by Chuck’s villain reveal, and the events that lead to Rowena’s “death.”  The longer answer to this question starts with acknowledging that feelings and trauma are complicated things that aren't always rational. And that's the crux of the matter for Dean in that moment he lashes out at Cas: he's not behaving rationally. We know Dean is angry, and historically doesn't handle anger well at all, but we also know, even without 15x09, that what Dean is really feeling is fear. In that moment, Dean is angry, and he's scared. If you watch the scene closely, too, you'll notice that Dean is still present enough to regret saying "why does that something always seem to be you" to Cas. He tenses up, he looks down and only looks up again in stubbornness defiance when Cas says he can't even look at him. Then Cas leaves, which has always been an issue for Dean. However warranted Cas's decision to leave was, it still hits Dean as rejection, too. All this is to say that the break up scene is extremely fraught, and Dean is the type of person who needs time to process events and emotions, and time to process is something he hasn't had since Mary disappeared.

So you ask: ok, cool, but what does all of that have to do with Cas dying, Liv? And here's where I say they have everything to do with Cas dying. I've talked about this before in tags and in other posts that I can't think of right now, but there are common occurrences in the events that have led to the more traumatic Cas deaths. If we think of Cas dying in 07x01, the context for that is as follows: Cas needs to solve a problem, he wants to ask Dean for help, but the desire to not burden him with it is greater, so Cas ends up handling the problem solo, which leads to disaster and also him dying. Or, well, apparently dying. But as far as Dean was concerned, Cas was dead, and he did struggle with it a lot during season 7. Now, fast-forward to s12 and the context of how Cas ends up dead then: Cas needs to solve a problem, part of him does want to cooperate with Sam and Dean to solve it, but he ultimately decides his desire to bring Dean a win, and to shield him and Sam from actions they'd suffer from are greater. Predictably, Cas ends up handling the problem solo, which leads to complications, and him being killed by Lucifer. Cas's death in 12x23 is significantly more traumatic to Dean than the one in 07x01 as season 13 starts with a grief arc that is devoted to Dean's suffering over Cas -- to the point that suffering overshadows even his grief over Mary. Granted, these are somewhat reductive summaries of the events of seasons 7 and 12, but the fact remains that those two deaths were remarkably similar as well as traumatic. 

If you look at trauma theory in regards to literary analysis, you'll notice that a key element is repetition. The story of trauma is a story of echoes, which is partly why triggers are what they are for people who have PTSD. In particular, a situation doesn't need to be an exact replica in order to evoke a traumatic memory. A situation need only be similar enough to the traumatic event to cause a trauma response. Therefore, if we keep in mind that the events leading to 15x03 aren’t exact mirrors of 07x01 or 12x23, but too reminiscent for comfort, then Dean’s behavior toward Cas starts making a bit more sense -- not excused, but understandable. A quick summary of these similarities goes as follows: Cas notices there’s is something off with Jack because of his soul; he decides to investigate on his own to avoid worrying the Winchesters and also because of his own fear of losing his family. He only comes forward with what is happening after something potentially disastrous has happened (Mary’s death). Later, Cas deviates from the agreed plan to close the wound leading to hell, which leads to another disastrous consequence (Rowena’s death). What does this look like? Cas makes a decision to act on his own, and doesn’t tell Dean (or Sam) about it, something goes wrong, someone dies. Notably, here, moreover, is that Cas obviously doesn’t die, but he has paralleled Mary before (when he was dead in s13) and there’s an argument to be made that he would eventually parallel Rowena (with heaven), but that’s from a metanarrative perspective rather than Dean’s, and I digress.

Oh, It’s worth noting, too, that the way in which the arc starting with 14x18 and culminating in 15x03 presents a similar, but not quite, chain of events as those of previous seasons signals the intentionality of the trauma narrative. 

But anyway, as we were: the resonance between the traumatic and triggering events, with the latter being traumatic in their own way, make Dean response in a way that is unfair for the situation at hand, but betray a deeper truth about Dean’s state of mind. Backtracking a little from 15x03, the first instance of Dean lashing out at Cas happens in 14x18 with the (heartbreaking) line: “Then you're dead to me.” At face value, those words are a condemnation of Cas and indicate a complete breakdown of the relationship, hinging on Jack having hurt/killed Mary. There is, however, another angle there, pain simmering beneath the surface, which makes more sense in its direction to Cas: the last time Jack, Mary, and Cas were involved in a tableaux like this, Cas died and Mary was gone. In what is an inversion of events, Mary is dead and Cas is...there, but as an echo of Jack’s birth, to say Cas is dead is a statement of fact: he did die, then. And as he was a parallel to Mary in the aftermath of Jack’s birth (and the rehashing of the John, Dean, Sam drama through Dean, Sam, and Jack), so is he a parallel to Mary here, except in circumstance. Both Mary and Cas had been after Jack. Mary happened to find him first, but Cas could’ve easily been the one to find him. Easily been the one who died. See the issue? This is obviously not to say that Dean’s grief and rage weren’t about Mary herself, but that the situations are entangled and murky. 

Further entanglement and murkiness happen when Cas is forced to change the plan to seal the hell wound in 15x03. We all know, including Dean, that there was nothing Cas could’ve done instead of what he did. But besides the change of plans, there’s an undercurrent of anxiety of the wound closing before Cas makes it out. He does, of course, but that’s the what if, always. And to illustrate the possibility, Rowena sacrifices herself to close the wound. It’s not coincidence that the similarities here are tenuous considering the stress burden from everything that has happened since 14x18 has continued to grow with no respite.

The stage is set then for the confrontation that leads to Cas walking out of the bunker. Dean is clearly on edge, and Cas is in a particularly vulnerable and hopeless headspace:

CASTIEL: Sorry about Rowena. DEAN: You're sorry? Why didn't you just stick to the damn plan? CASTIEL: Belphegor was lying. DEAN: Belphegor's a demon. CASTIEL: He was using us. He wanted to eat every last soul to take over Hell, Earth, and every... DEAN: Yeah, and we would've figured it out... after. With Rowena. CASTIEL: The plan changed, Dean. Something went wrong. You know this. Something always goes wrong. DEAN: Yeah, why does that something always seem to be you?

The reason I went of this long journey to come back to this is so as to make clear that what Dean is talking about here isn’t about Rowena at all, and it’s not about Mary either. We know Dean didn’t really blame Cas for Mary, and that he didn’t blame him for Rowena, either. But do those bolded parts sound familiar?

CASTIEL: Listen. Raphael will kill us all. He'll turn the world into a graveyard. I had no choice.

DEAN: No, you had a choice. You just made the wrong one.

CASTIEL: You don't understand. It's complicated.

DEAN: No, actually, it's not, and you know that. Why else would you keep this whole thing a secret, huh, unless you knew that it was wrong? When crap like this comes around, we deal with it... Like we always have. What we don't do is we don't go out and make another deal with the Devil!

CASTIEL: It sounds so simple when you say it like that. Where were you when I needed to hear it?

DEAN: I was there. Where were you?

DEAN: You should've come to us for help, Cas.

How about:

DEAN: Cas, you can't – With everything that's going on, you can't just go dark like that. We didn't know what happened to you. We were worried. That's not okay. CASTIEL: Well, I didn't mean to add to your distress. I – Dean, I just keep failing. Again and again. When you were taken, I searched for months and I couldn't find you. And then Kelly escaped on my watch, and I couldn't find her. And I just wanted I needed to come back here with a win for you. For myself.

[...]

DEAN : We will find a better way. CASTIEL: You mean, we? DEAN : Yes, dumbass. We. You, me, and Sam, we're just better together. So now that you're back, let's go, Team Free Will. Let's get it done. CASTIEL: I'd like that. DEAN: Great.

“Then, you’re dead to me.” “...why does that something always seem to be you”

Because it’s Cas, and Cas being dead and gone. The tragedy of the divorce arc is that Cas ends up gone, too. However, this time, it’s Dean’s fault for not stopping him. Here, Dean’s fear of Cas dying leads to the anger that ultimately pushes him away. So, yeah, Dean meant what he said, but not in the way Cas took it. Not in the way it appeared as. 

The other tragedy of Supernatural ending as it did is that Dean never got to heal from that trauma, he never got to confront Cas for it, either. Make no mistake, the empty deal is another spiral of Dean’s unaddressed trauma over Cas dying. The beats are the same, and the result is Cas, gone, and Dean, shattered. Sadly, we never got our final resolution, the climatic reunion that would mirror Dean’s prayer in purgatory and Cas’s confession in the dungeon. It’s a story left unfinished. 

[diavolosthots]

Ive been holding off on these because i have so many but I just wanna share. This got kinda long so it's under the cut, and this isnt even all of it.

Random Headcanons I have about Obey Me:

Time definitely runs different and all of them are eons older than any of us, including luke. My next question is WHAT is their skincare routine

I remember in one lesson (26 i believe???) Diavolo said that RAD isnt even that old which is true and also not. Its old in human standards, not old in demon standards

I believe Diavolo's dad isnt really sleeping, although everyone says he's locked away and doing such, I have a feeling hes secretly pulling all the strings for everyone behind the scenes

Levi definitely reads "normal" books and Satan definitely reads manga.

Human rules definitely don't apply in either the Devildom or the Celestial Realm. I would love to see a Devildom law book, honestly.

All of them definitely have done something bad in the past. In a sense, i even believe that they each own a circle of hell (since they mentioned Dante's inferno before if i remember correctly). It at least would make sense.

I dont believe their demon form is their true form.

Asmodeus is more insecure than confident but he tries to overshadow it with make believe narcissism.

Luke is definitely smart as hell and in certain instances I believe he could win a wit battle with Satan.

I dont believe demons and humans can reproduce. Demon sperm is like... Foreign to the human body and although the human body can get used to it, it would take forever to successfully create something

On that note, pregnancy would be dangerous af since demons do tend to grow horns and wings that could easily rupture through the uterine wall.

Lucifer is definitely a lowkey alcoholic lol (low-key because it's not always). In one of the rooms, the secret room behind the library, theres stacks of alcohol on the shelf and it doesnt surprise me that he takes a swing/full bottle every once in a while

Mammon kind of contradicts himself. They say you'll be lucky when mammons around but hes never lucky with himself so either that means he's lucky to everyone but himself OR he needs to believe in luck/himself first

Leviathan has split personalities. On one hand theres the dorky otaku we all love and on the other hand theres the Grand Admiral of Hells Navy, who gets quite bossy and honestly kind of harsh.

Satan definitely is a playboy. I also see him go clubbing with Asmodeus a lot

Beelzebub is far from the soft boy we like for him to be but other than his brothers and fellow demons, he actually has a good grip on his anger and to an extent i believe he won't lose it because of Belphie. Seeing Beel angry is a huge reminder on the Celestial war and Belphie really hated it, for obvious reasons.

Belphie sleeps a lot because, like many of us, he likes to escape reality. I believe the reason his avatar is sloth is not because he's lazy but more so because he hates to be awake and recall everything that happens. Its easier to deal with you dont think.

Diavolo definitely has an ulterior motive and although I love and appreciate his character, i wouldnt blindly trust him. Much like Satan and Belphegor, hes an A+ manipulator

I believe Barbatos is actually the oldest, having been around while Diavolo's dad was still up and about. Hes also the most powerful seeing as he can manipulate time and reality. My question is how Diavolo keeps him from doing so.

On that note, i do believe he has alternate reality once or twice, unbeknownst to Diavolo or anyone else.

Michael is a huge player in this game and although we don't hear from or of him often, i believe hes playing together with Diavolo on something bigger

Simeon isn't the sweet little angel we always see. He's a warrior of God, a weapon if heaven, and much like Lucifer, he would do anything for his family.

Solomon is shady af and I dont trust him at all. I do believe, especially since the newer lessons came out, that hes planning something with Diavolo.

I can see Lucifer overthrowing Diavolo at some point, most likely out of revenge. He's too smug and secretive to keep following Diavolo blindly, even if it took him a couple thousand years to figure something out

I believe God has left the OM universe, much like he did in SPN, and Michael is in charge up there

Lilith is a liar and manipulator. I dont have evidence, she just gives off that vibe in the few times we've seen her.

[lol-jackles]

Gotta be honest, I'm loving this post SPN timeline whe are living.

I'm not even that involved in the actors careers but I remember the time that you couldn't be claim to like Sam better without being attacked by AA saying how I was insulting Jensen who was the Supreme actor that was doing us the honor to be on the show instead of winning Oscars.

Or then the destiel spam and theories about how it would totally be canon because no one cared about Sam anyway.

Is just so funny watching those annoying people theories fall apart.

I'll be honest too that I'm enjoying the post-SPN timeline, watching my former IMDB nemesis trying to pretend they didn't embarrassingly lose badly.

9 months later the AAs and the Destiel minions are still fuming over the SPN finale and watering Sam girls and Bibro stans' crops with their bitter teas.

Sam girls, Bibro fans, and William Shatner...

For me it's a similar feeling when Deep Space Nine was vindicated as the best series in the Star Trek franchise.  In the beginning just because DS9 didn't take place on a ship, the fans and critics were razzing it.

So yeah, a fake ship name USS Destiel Delusion wasn't going to dock in any port because it doesn't exist.

Destiel shippers confuse porn fanfics for reality canon ...

[castielcommunism]

very specific analogy but for ME dabb era is bad in the same way sims 4 is bad. like, it makes enough QoL improvements that I'm staying here. if I'm choosing a game to play I'm choosing this one. however. every step of the way there are little roadblocks. there'll be an update and YEAH it improves the game but in a way that's kind of superficial and doesn't really scratch the itch.

Eg. sims 4 expanded gender options (win) giving cas a baby boy (win) not being able to make a man with boobs or a woman with facial hair (lose) regressing cas thematically by making him operate on faith again (lose)

It's always two steps forward one step back. Yeah sure, I'm still making progress, but by the end I've only gone half as far as I couldve and it's super frustrating. more than any other era, I think you can really see What Could Have Been with dabb which both makes it better and worse at the same time

Does Cas operate on faith in dabb era? I’m not even sure what that means. I know he says “I rediscovered my faith when I became a father” in an episode but is that really demonstrated anywhere else? I’m fuzzy on the angel/heaven stuff in the later seasons so maybe I’m not remembering everything, but I don’t remember Cas having “faith” as a character trait again. Like when you say faith as it relates to angels, I assume that means some belief and loyalty to heaven and god. If anything I was disappointed that his relationship to god/heaven/etc was sorta tossed to the wayside. The conversation Dean has with Chuck about faith and obligation was good but like imo it should’ve been between Chuck and Cas, or there should have been some equivalent conversation.

My issues with Cas stuff in dabb era have more to do with the fact that he seems to be stalled out as a character and doesn’t really progress past the fact that he’s become a father (which IS epic don’t get me wrong). Like he’s tied solely to the Winchesters and doesn’t have a lot going on outside of that except for a couple episodes/arcs. That’s not a problem localised to Cas (Winchester derangement syndrome is endemic in spn) but it’s the most egregious imo because he’s the character with the most going on outside of sam and dean

[windsource]

Have you ever tried to watch SPN with bibro glasses on? Limiting Cas to just story pushing energy and onesided affection for Dean? Just to make sure the whole Destiel vision was really as subtextual as our fantasy made us believe. (Based on fact that some parallels and "Destiel hints" actually can easily be applied more individually to characters of Dean and Sam without it pointing to Destiel which we seem to ignore in all meta. And some can easily be understood as confirmation of bibro "romance" the same way we make it about Destiel. Especially whatever hints and tropes suggest DEAN being the one in love. It's almost never specific towards Cas, and when it is, it's clear textual jokes, often still pointing to Cas being the one in love.

I'm worried that we saw Cas' onesided love for Dean all this time and just generalized it as Dean feeling the same way about Cas, (because we love Cas and want to believe his love is reciprocated) when in fact there is more pointing to idea that Dean feels this way towards Sam then that he feels this way towards Cas.

i am so sorry, but there is no way in heaven, purgatory, or hell, that cas’ affection for dean is one-sided. 

when dean loses cas at the end of s12/beginning of s13, even after losing his mom again as well, dean prays to god to bring all of them--specifically “him” back. not subtext. text. 

he also had to be physically restrained from going after cas/was forced to leave without him:

then, a few episodes later:

when cas came back from the empty, there was no subtext that told us dean was glad to have him back. he was suicidal with cas gone. he wanted to die. sam tells dean in Tombstone that he seems happier at a quick turn around. dean responds that getting cas back is a big win.

just look at the difference before and after dean got cas back:

that literally happened as a direct result.

not to mention purgatory, where the entire plot was that dean felt guilty for leaving cas behind. so guilty, in fact, that dean had vividly real visions of cas after he returned. he altered his memory to fit what made sense--that cas hadn’t told dean to go without him. dean blamed himself. even after doing everything he could to get them both out. 

we weren’t (aren’t) looking too deep, these things were surface level. they were text, they were written in, they were purposeful characterizations of dean winchester. and these are nowhere near all of the examples of dean caring for cas, just some off the top of my head. even with bibro glasses (which, let’s be honest, are just two holes with blackout lenses) you can’t just dismiss this fact--that is, unless you ignore the text and the canon of the show. 

dean and cas care about each other. don’t doubt yourself about that

[septembersghost]

One thing that has always frustrated me about the shippers in Supernatural fandom is the entitlement when it comes to Dean. They act like if their favorite character shows an interest in Dean (such as Cas or Crowley) he is obligated to return those feelings and he's a bad person if he doesn't - that is such a horrible "nice guy" attitude to have and you can bet it wouldn't happen if Dean was female. Also, this rule only seems to apply to Dean which is even more frustrating!

I actually think fandom would still do this to Dean if he were, say, Deanna, but otherwise written in the same way, and I say this mostly because I've experienced fandom love triangles with heroines and each "side" or "team" is typically awful about her agency and choices, and is absolutely certain they're right and the man they prefer is the only correct option. if she chooses differently, or is conflicted, fandom often turns on her. (an example of this in semi-recent popular media on the same network is Elena Gilbert, and she has a lot of thematic similarities to Dean.) that said, some of the more extreme shippers can and do get away with this by virtue of Dean being a man in more insidious ways. (Cas "baby-trapping" him, and fandom approving of this, despite his history of abuse and parentification, is a rather odious take, to name one.) it is, undeniably, a very male dominated show, and Dean gets placed into that role of caretaker often (the "you take care of everyone, but who takes care of you?" idea). because he's a man, it's used in the narrative more obliquely on occasion than it is with women, but it's very much present, and is a similar vein of entitlement over his choices and his care.

Dean's love is desirable, which makes him coveted, and the narrative often leans into this in an askew way where we see the other characters wanting/longing for him, and Dean seemingly not giving back what they long for, and it leads to...I think a certain amount of projection from people who strongly prefer one ship or another. again, this is totally not me bashing shipping, there's nothing wrong with it (Dean is lovable and charismatic and imminently shippable), but the WAY some of spn fandom handles it, it's like...Dean becomes something less than a person to them. an object, a trophy to be won, a chew toy for the others to fight over.

@cacophony-of-notions and I had some thoughts about this here: https://septembersghost.tumblr.com/post/657092330818551808/the-divine-aspect-of-his-love-and-the-way-its

Everyone wants Dean’s love. It is craved by almost everyone in the story. When another character feels they don’t or can’t have his love, it often accompanies depression. I think as a result, in the narrative, he almost came to represent the idea of being able to be loved at all. Fans feel that, even if they don’t recognize it, and thus when Dean doesn’t love unconditionally, some tend to resent him for it. It feels like a reflection of the inherent worth of another person to them.

I think there's an aspect of this that becomes almost internalized - Dean doesn't love [character] enough, and this hurts them/makes them sad and thus it hurts [the person who ships them] -> Dean is mean and terrible. it's not fair nor entirely rational (and, like, admittedly, I love Dean very much and consider him important to me, and thus defend him, so is that rational? are any of us normal about the cw's supernatural?!), but I think that level of shipping causes this sort of team mentality where if you're not obviously WINNING, then you must be losing, and no one likes to feel that. and if Cas or Crowley or Sam or whomever loves him and he isn't loving them back enough or correctly, then it's Dean's ~fault~. Dean becomes the problem in a situation he didn't even ask for and which often isn't even explicit text. they want Dean to build up their chosen character and can't stand if he doesn't, or if he turns his attention elsewhere, or if he tries to establish a needed boundary. this leads to him being called selfish and repressed and cruel, though that isn't the case.

and of course we're naturally inclined to want happiness and, when it comes to ships, some measure of fulfillment - we're wired by so much media to crave the swelling strings and the romantic realization and the kiss (and the confession here did happen! it's odd how some, not all, but some, are willing to dismiss the meaning of that, because I do appreciate the scene itself for being beautiful and important, and achieving what it was meant to achieve, even if its ultimate value was obliterated by the ending. the reciprocation isn't the POINT there. speaking the truth and letting Dean hear the words is the point, happiness is just saying it! what he needed MOST was to internalize it. I digress) - and that idea of ship culmination was always a losing game with spn for multiple reasons, some of which are obvious and some of which are a bit murkier.

you mentioned it being a Nice Guy attitude, and it very much IS, but I don't think a lot of fandom even realizes they're doing that, especially given that we would (and should) balk at that in real life. but if you look at [insert character here] and think, "oh, he just wants to be LOVED by DEAN," it puts Dean into this trap of seeming callous if he doesn't dole that out unconditionally, which, again, is unfair to him. (notably, this is almost always only done with the other men. I've never seen Dean accused of not loving Lisa or Jo or Cassie "enough," if his love for them is acknowledged and validated at all. this is, of course, a whole other issue.)

Dean as this siren and sacred heart and lure of desire in the narrative leads to a lot of clamoring for his affection and disappointment when it isn't received, and this easily turns into reducing him/calling him names/saying he doesn't "deserve" the others, and so on. we don't often see these standards placed upon the others because the relationships that exist with them aren't measured in the same way (no one is going to get mad at Sam for not falling on his knees in loving supplication for Cas, even if people ship them, it simply is not the way Sam is viewed, nor Cas for that matter). (Crowley is kind of a hilarious case because he has this undeniably pathetic crush and gets to hang out with demon!Dean, but demon!Dean doesn't give an actual damn about him). Dean loves the other characters very much (idk he tolerates Crowley for most of his time lol, but it's not because Dean is a bad person, it's because Crowley is...Crowley and the King of Hell). there is absolutely NEVER a doubt that he loves Sam and he loves Cas and he would do anything for them, lay his life on the line for them. this doesn't mean he's obligated to bend to their every whim or immediately forgive everything they do, but fandom has this expectation that he should or he's wrong, and that is the danger of being the object of affection. it can lead to obsession, possessiveness, and jealousy. (which, again, is VERY similar to the way many many heroines - gothic heroines particularly strike a chord here - are treated in other stories.)

my friend Vicky just said, "dean is the sun and everyone wants him to shine on their faves too." it's that craving of the warmth of light and love and home, wanting him to give it back, and feeling cold in its supposed absence.

edit: I'm including this quote I just reblogged because an element of this idea strikes so close to this subject.

if the act of desiring is, in effect, surrendering a part of yourself, and an audience member is responding to what they see as that offering, they want the missing piece filled, the question answered. what this doesn't address is the burden and the fragility this places upon the desired. thus, you get this conflict. will that loving piece be given back? suddenly the beloved's vulnerability easily becomes liability. the question for the person who is receiving the tremendous need of those pieces, and yet who perhaps isn't being heard or addressed as he is carving himself into parts, isn't asked or considered. he's left carrying that weight.

[tanzmajor]

endzeit romantik

loosely based on 11x23, bad ending - amara wins and the world is dying.

fandom: supernatural

pairing: crowley/reader

summary: the world is ending - crowley and you share a moment together

warnings: talk of adult themes, end times (the world is literally ending so IDK), light angst, crowley (he's a warning for himself lol), pretty sfw, swear words!

notes: not sure why i wrote this, i was rewatching spn while i was sick and wanted to write some stuff for crowley again. just wanted to capture a moment i guess! im wondering if ppl actually still care about him lol (title means end time romance)

word count: 2.3

The world was ending again because of the entitlement of the Winchesters. Earth would finally pay the price for their stubborn refusal to let the other die.

And you hoped that this time it would end for good.

It wasn’t the comfortable quiet before the storm like the last few times. This time, it felt so real – the end was finally so close for all of you. It wasn’t like those other moments, where you prepared to fight some greater evil that you could actually defeat. Amara was harsh – making sure things would end slow and surely. She made sure, that God was dying for good.

You remembered the apocalypse to be more light-hearted than all of this – you remembered sitting at the table with Ellen and Jo, encouraging Castiel to drink along with you. Seeing how much it would take for Castiel to feel something close to being tipsy. Given the circumstances, it was one of the fonder memories you had of that time.

This time you were stuck in the bunker with an even weirder cast of faces, including but not reserved to God. You were unfamiliar with those surrounding you. Not even the uncomfortable smile that Castiel would throw into your direction when you looked at him could fix that discomfort.

And what the strangest thing about all of this was, was how numb you were towards it all.

You never had to truthfully answer the question of what you would do when the world was about to end. The answer to that had always been decided by others, you just went with the flow – you never spared a thought about calling your family or taking that once-in-a-lifetime risk. But now you were sitting there, not talking or drinking like the others around you. You were sulking in a chair off to the side with furrowed brows – really reconsidering the choices you had made that had led you down to this path.

You should’ve run far away when Sam had approached you back then. Telling him to fuck off and never contact you ever again – you assumed that if you had done that, you’d be spending the last few hours that you had on this pitiful planet with your actual family.

You quietly thought about texting your mother. But what would you say? If you’d text her that you loved her out of nowhere – she would call and be concerned. How does one even break to their mother that the world was going to end soon?

You rubbed your tired eyes briefly. Maybe you should finally finish the last few pages of the book on your nightstand. At least then you could pass knowing you accomplished something meaningful today.

“Care to share a drink with me?”

It was that familiar voice that had given you a heart attack so many times before. You looked up to meet the gaze of Crowley looking down at you, ignoring the others around him like he always seemed to do when he was interacting with you. Dean shot you two a heated glare, a subtle warning to either you or Crowley. You weren’t sure if Dean was trying to tell you to be careful, or if he was threatening the man in front of you. Not that it would matter anymore anyways. Crowley twisted the bottle of scotch in his hand ever so slightly, letting you know that it was what he was talking about.

Spending your last hours next to the supposed King of Hell. Fitting. If there had been a greater logic behind all of the things that had happened today, this would be the next step. You silently wished that things would stop getting weirder and stranger – the thickness in the air of it all was slowly but surely suffocating you. You decided however, that Crowley had different plans. He would take advantage of situations like these – like he always does.

“Ah – I don’t see why not.”

You shifted in your seat to find a comfortable position for your back. Your hair fell into your face, and you quickly brushed it behind your ear. Now was not the time to worry about your looks.

You watched Crowley grab a glass for you and fill it up with the promised, amber liquor. You weren’t a big fan of the taste of pure alcohol, but it wouldn’t matter anyways. You were struggling to feel anything other than despair, and getting a little bit tipsy too fast seemed like a welcome distraction right now.

You watched his hand push the glass closer to you. You had taken his usual spot in the library corner – a tinge of guilt mixed into your other feelings. But only briefly. You nodded towards Crowley as you took the glass into your hands. He smirked at you. You furrowed your brows.

“What?”

You took a sip and watched him push a chair for himself next to you. He sat down, his own glass firm in his grip. His gaze seemed fixed on you. Something was on his mind and you could see it in the way he was looking at you. You didn’t have enough time to properly take the King of Hell apart in your head though. Not that you could anyways, you assumed that it was a task that would take you forever. Eternity if not.

“You trying to make some last deals or something?”

You watched his eyes roll. No one in the room seemed to pay attention to the fact that he was talking to you – not that he could do anything to you anyways. It was like you two were hidden away, behind the corner to yourselves. You assumed that Dean had a tiny bit of his leftover concentration fixed on you. You were frustrated by how overly protective he was being. It felt like a testimony to Dean’s selfishness – that he had the right to decide for you. Crowley spoke, and tilted his head to the side like he usually did.

“Would you like to?”

You huffed a laugh and smiled into your drink. It was an honest laugh, finding it amusing that he decided that now, this moment, would be the right time to cozy up to you.

“I don’t think I have any last wishes.”

“Well, let me know if you change your mind.”

With that, he returned to himself. Obviously reconsidering things as well – although you doubted that he was thinking about anything that could eat away at his conscience. He was a demon, so you weren’t really sure if there truly was anything that he regretted. Maybe he was thinking about his accomplishments, maybe Hell hadn’t been so easy on him after all.

You watched his features, and you could tell he was ignoring your hard gaze. There was tiredness surrounding him, like the centuries he had spent roaming this earth finally settling into his stolen bones. It was that expression he had when he thought that no one was watching. An expression only you ever seemed to really notice. You wondered if he ever got any rest. If he even had the need for a break.

You didn’t bother asking him any of that. You knew full well that even if the world was ending, there wasn’t any good reason to be growing soft on the King of the damned. Although, he did lose his shine in the past few years. He wasn’t as terrifying as he used to be. Maybe he didn’t want to scare you.

You told yourself that it was the desperation in you speaking. The end was so close you could feel it with your entire body – it was natural to struggle and yearn for something intimate. A soft moment between you and anyone, a love confession even. Something unexpected. Something to shake you to the core, to make you forget that it would soon all be gone. For a moment at least.

Maybe you should ask Crowley to come into your bedroom with you. To have fun while it lasts. He didn’t look too bad, and the prospect of doing something so wrong with him, would for sure change your mood for a while. You looked away from Crowley. You hoped that nobody was listening to your thoughts right now.

“I always liked you the best.”

You startled slightly when he spoke again, your eyes trailing from the hand on his glass up towards his face. You never had the chance to get such a close look at him. You weren’t sure what to do with the time at hand. You huffed.

“I’m flattered.”

You watched him take a sip of the liquor. He spoke again.

“You should be.”

Your eyes met his. There was something unspoken going on right now, as if he was trying to shift the conversation towards something specific. Maybe he had just taken pity in you. Maybe he had grown attached to you more than he would like to admit. He could also just be feeling gracious, trying to do something with the situation at hand.

You could hear Dean and Sam talk – both obviously trying to do the same as you and the others. Making something out of this. Enjoying the time while it lasts. But you also noted, that Dean seemed somewhat intoxicated. You knew that you all felt the same way – guilty. You had failed.

You downed the rest of the scotch – it burned in your throat. You shook your head slightly and scrunched up your nose. Something he noticed, but didn’t mention directly. You refilled your glass.

“You don’t drink often, do you?”

He asked, his gaze following your movements carefully. As if he would miss something if he didn’t.

“I try to not make it a habit.”

He squinted his eyes at you. You were quick to add something to your sentence.

“I’m not really a fan of the hard stuff.”

You shrugged your shoulders, sitting back down and leaning your head back to let it rest against the cushion of the seat. You looked at him with your tilted head. Your legs were stretched out. No matter what you did, the stress that wore at you wouldn’t release itself from your body. You weren’t sure if maybe you should get up and move around or do something else altogether.

“Can you blame me?”

“Oh, no not really. It’s not like you surround yourself with people of class.”

He said, rather amused. You knew he was talking about the Winchesters and their tendency to stick to what they knew. Cheap beer, cheap hotels and even cheaper food. You bit your lip, an amused smile now too on your face. Maybe this truly was his way of flirting with you without getting another demon-killing knife attached to his hand. He wanted something from you – what he wanted, you weren’t sure of. It’s not like it would be useful for him to make a deal with you. Both of you wouldn’t be sticking around for another 10 years anyways.

You couldn’t deny that your tendency to remain neutral towards him had always been something you despised yourself for. You weren’t sympathetic towards him – but he wasn’t someone you actively watched out for. You knew that the Winchesters were aware of this, so they usually tried to keep you away from him.

His manipulation tactics never worked on you, but it’s not like you really held your guard up around him. To you – he was like Castiel. Someone who faded in and out of your daily life. You didn’t even bother seeking him out when he had been stuck in the bunker with you, in the dungeon. You just knew that ever since he saw you and interacted with you while Sam couldn’t do the dungeon duties, he was drawn to you. As if something about the fact that the brothers tried to desperately keep him away from you was urging him to spend as much time with you as possible.

He couldn’t give less of a fuck about the Winchesters. But if a demon even thought about pointing a knife towards you?

You ignored those memories. You noted that Dean had put on some music. A song you didn’t recognize. You shifted in your seat to look around the corner to see Crowley’s mother, whose name you never seemed to remember, and Chuck sitting at the long table and talking about nothing particular at all. You assumed that Chuck himself would just ignore what was happening. Like always.

Sam caught your eyes and nodded at you. All of you were so fucking unsure of what to do, how to react or how to feel. You assumed that maybe only the non-human beings in the room with you were somewhat okay with all of this. That they in the slightest, maybe didn’t even particularly care about the situation at hand.

Crowley hadn’t really bothered to continue the conversation, more than contempt to just sit next to you and listen in to what Dean was now saying. Not that he was saying anything important of course, but at least he was doing something. You weren’t sure why he had asked you to drink with him anyways. Maybe he just didn’t want to be alone. You were one of the few people in the room who wouldn’t turn him down, and he knew that.

Maybe he wanted something much different from you, but wasn’t sure how to voice it without making anybody around you suspicious of his intentions.

“If you want something from me you can just say it. I’m not really in the mood to care about consequences anyways.”

You chuckled into your glass, the ridiculousness of the situation feeling light-hearted on you. Maybe the alcohol helped just a little bit as well - to loosen you up. He once again looked you in the eyes.

“And here I thought I was so good at being subtle.”

Your expression was teasing – something he wasn’t used to seeing from you. The world was ending and you were flirting with the King of Hell. You couldn’t make that shit up.

“You used to be better at it.”