#stress relief sort of blog c:

[yandere-romanticaa]

❝ ready or not... ❞

The eerie silence that filled the room only added more stress and worry to (y/n) as Leona laid on top of her. He came back from class not too long ago and as usual, he wanted to cuddle her. It sort of became like a routine for Leona. He never said much during these "cuddle sessions" aside from the occasional grumble or a delightful purr that resulted when (y/n) patted his head.

Looking around, (y/n) was pleased to see that pretty much the entire dorm was empty and Leona was pretty much asleep. She had been plotting for some time now and freedom was so close... She was 100% sure that Leona would not go after her because A. He's asleep and B. He's lazy. In this situation though that couldn't have been more perfect for the (h/c)ette. Leona had made it very clear in the past that he had better things to do with his precious time and her attempt was sure to succeed! There was just one issue though. He was right on top of her and she had no idea how she could move him without disturbing him too much. Dread came over her as her heart pounded in her chest, the fear crawling up her spine in an alarming rate. A light sheen of sweat covered her forehead as she started to see the holes in her brilliant plan. Her eyes were glued to the ceiling as she failed to notice Leona stirring in his sleep. His ear twiched as he picked up (y/n)'s heavy breathing and her heartbeat.

Great.

He was still groggy from his nap and even though he didn't show it, Leona is a rather intelligent young man. And he knew damn well what (y/n) was planning and he wasn't having it. Just before he could get up on his feet and call (y/n) a brat, an idea poped in to his head. A smirk found its way on his face as he licked his lower lip in anticipation, all the while avoiding (y/n)'s gaze. She knew that he was awake now as his hands gently traced patterns on her back, as if quietly telling her to just shut up already. She did as much, but soon enough Leona broke the thick silence by speaking:

"Hey (y/n), what do you say we play a little game, hm~?"

She failed to notice the predatory undertone in his velvety voice as he masked it with a playful facade. The only thing that was on her confused mind what the thought of sweet, sweet freedom. She was willing to do anything to be free once more... Her (e/c) eyes were filled with both hope and dread, a combination that Leona couldn't help but to find both amusing and downright adorable.

Sweet, innocent (y/n) had no idea what she was stepping in to.

Salty tears pricked the corners of her eyes as she gulped, fully prepared for any challenges that Leona had to throw at her. It was now or never, there was no going back. A strange feeling of sudden confidence grew inside of her as a ghost of a smile was on her delicate face, a smile that did not go unnoticed by the lion. He purred as he moved himself away from (y/n), giving her some much needed space. Crossing both his arms and legs, Leona made himself  comfortable on the king sized bed, his emerald gaze sizing (y/n) up. A long sigh escaped her bruised lips as (y/n) felt her eyes drop to the ground, her fists clenched tightly. She rose up from the bed, her back still turned to Leona.

"What kind of game did you have in mind?"

Her voice was hoarse due to not speaking for so long but she did not care anymore. She turned her head and her (e/c) gaze met Leona's green one. His face showed no emotion and it was difficult to read him. She was puzzled sure, but her sense of determination did not waver. 

"Since you are so keen to escape, you might as have fun while doing so.Therefore I suggest we play a nice, friendly game of tag. If you win I will never bother you again and you will regain your freedom... But if I win, you will be my little pet until the end of your days. What do you say~?"

Oh dear... His offer seemed to be too good to be true. To think that he was willing to let her go just like that... Only if she were to win his game though. Not having any other choice she nods quickly, accepting Leona's challenge. Still resting on the bed, Leona raises his hand and points at the door. 

"I am giving you a head start. I would use it if I were you."

She did not even bother to hear him out as she immediately ran out of the room, slamming the large door in the process. Still sitting on the bed, Leona played with his long locks of hair. He rolled his eyes and groaned in annoyance as he buried his face in one of the soft pillows.

"Damn, what a pain..."

(y/n)'s footsteps echoed in the hallways as she ran like never before. Adrenaline filled her veins as she kept chanting in her head  "Keep running!". Never once did she stop and allow herself to breathe, the breathe in the fresh, clean air. She could savor it later though because she knew if she stopped that she would be done for. She ran and ran, so much so that she was starting to taste the metallic taste of blood in her mouth. She started coughing and while doing so she tripped on her own feet. She fell down face first on the floor and grumbled in both pain and annoyance. Her nose hurt and even started to bleed a little as she gently touched it, slightly winching at the sharp pain. Her breathing was ragged and uneven and her heart felt like it was going to burst at any rate. She took in her surroundings carefully and only then did she notice just how peaceful everything was.She swore that if someone dropped a simple pin that it could be heard. 

...

Nothing.

Nothing was happening, no one was around. Her captor was nowhere to be seen and she was sure that if she was close that she could at least hear him.  (y/n) allowed herself to relax for a moment, her hope finally returning back to her. She carefully composed herself and got off the ground, dusting herself off in the process. Looking in front of her she finally saw her gateway to freedom. She was so close, that damned door was just out of hands reach. She couldn't help but to smile, relief washing over her like gentle rainfall. She made her way towards the large door and took a moment to admire the intricate patterns on it. Just as about she was going to reach for one of the handles, she heard it.

A roar, his roar.

She could barely turn around as two strong arms pinned her to the ground, the familiar smell of his cologne invaded her nostrils like a raging wildfire. She was panicking, how the Hell did he get to her!? She was alone mere seconds ago!! He just appeared out of thin air! (y/n) screamed bloody murder as Leona bared his teeth, a long but dangerous smirk on his face. Only then did (y/n) realize just how strong Leona was compared to her. He chuckled darkly, his deep voice filling her ears far too quickly. He lowered his down to her ear, never once breaking eye contact with her. (y/n) started to hyperventilate and cry uncontrollably. Leona rubbed the tears off her face gently, too gently. It only caused her to panic even more as he finally spoke up.

"Did you really think that I would let you get away, just like that? Babe, how weak do you think I am, huh?" 

She didn't dare to answer as she only turned her head to the opposite side. She could bare the intensity of Leona's stare but alas he would not grand her the pleasure of looking away. Leona forcefully turned her chin back, his claws lightly digging in to (y/n)'s soft skin. A hint of blood was on his claws as he licked it clean, enjoying the sweet taste.

"Look me in the eye when I talk, babe. You really are a pain sometimes, you know that right? You forced me to hunt you down like this but I would be lying if I said that I didn't enjoy it. It's usually the lionesses who do the hunting though, not us guys... Still, I captured my prey fair and square, wouldn't you agree~?"

She wanted to scream. She wanted to scream and wake up, to just wake up from this nightmare. She no longer had the strength fight Leona back and she felt as though she had lost the ability to speak. All of that hope and determination vanished in an instant, just like that.

The hunter has successfully captured his sweet prey.

"No matter where you go (y/n) I will always be near, Remember that."

♡♡♡

Based of the yandere! Leona headcanons on @lovecore-md 's blog. Loved the headcanons so I wanted to write a little scenario! I hope you don't mind~ And the image I used belongs to @julie-fandom-artblog!

[an-annyeoing-writer]

Sehun x Reader: first kiss.

This is so fluffy and innocent it actually ruins my blog’s aesthetic. It’s a drabble, but seemed surprisingly long so I put it under the read-more. Enjoy!

“Are you nervous?”

“Nothing I can’t manage. Hopefully.”

A low chuckle broke through the silence that fell upon the two of you. The circumstances were probably the most convenient there could be, and you found yourself easing slowly into the gentle embrace of your newly-acquired boyfriend. The two of you were sitting next to each other on his bed, resting your back against the headboard. 

“You know we don’t have to hurry anything” Sehun announced in an understanding tone, glancing at you. A soft grin curled up the corner of his lips, betraying the dose of amusement, yet nothing that would put you in discomfort. He was as careless as always, thoughtlessly giving you the space you so clearly needed.

“Mm… I kinda want to. I don’t know. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything important, but I still want to know. You know, extend the horizons” you blabbered, at which he didn’t even look at you, his eyes fixated on some point of the wall ahead. 

“It’s not as complicated as you make it out to be, you know” he mused, smirking at the deep frown on your face.

“Maybe. Dunno. Can’t tell.”

“Come here.”

He patted his lap. You bit on your lips, a bit nervous. Your instinct told you what to do, yet your body weren’t used to the way you moved and you almost fell off the bed in your poor attempt to straddle the man’s lap. 

He nothing but smiled softly, his hands naturally finding their way to your hips and resting there in a non-intrusive way that gave you some sort of reassurance, the feeling of being wanted. Sehun wasn’t much of a giver, you figured it out fairly quickly. Physical affection was something he didn’t do too often, but he always welcomed it when it was from you, even when you were just friends, before really confessing to each other. 

You didn’t have any experience, and that’s why you were worried that maybe you’re too clingy in trying to achieve something he seemed neutral about. But the way he smiled when you wrapped your arms around him, or how he reacted to a slight brush of your hand by grasping it in his own told you that, in fact, it’s just the way he is, and there’s nothing wrong with the way you are, either.

His thumbs rubbed the sides of your stomach gently, and you could tell, he liked the way they rested there.

You hesitantly leaned down, resting hands on his shoulders and staring at him from the distance. He finally looked up at your face, the smirk still brightening up his features. There was nothing too serious about him, and in a way, it calmed you down. 

You were safe. His presence was safe. 

“O-okay, I can do this.”

Your words caused a laugh to erupt from the back of his throat. He couldn’t really stop himself from that, not when you sounded so determined.

“Shut up” you huffed, gently swatting his arm. “U-um… Would you mind if I kind of, um, eased myself into it first?”

He’d probably burst into laughter again if he didn’t restrain himself. All he did was to grin widely, with his eyes turning into C-shaped lines. These eyes always reminded you of some sort of emoji, and along with the wide smile he sometimes showed, you swore you could just put him in a frame and hang on a wall as a picture of the highest level of joy.

“Go ahead” he finally answered. His features relaxed slightly when you leaned down to nuzzle your face in the crook of his neck. He automatically tilted it to the side, curious about what were you about to do.

A gentle kiss landed right above his collarbone, warm and trustful. He hummed approvingly in response, and his one hand traveled to your back, massaging it gently. You let your lips linger there for a moment before kissing him a bit higher. These innocent neck kisses were something you could deal with. They were more natural and not even half as stressful as the prospect of touching someone’s mouth with your own.

Your nose nudged his jawline and you retreated for a brief moment, letting out a breath you didn’t even realize you were holding. 

Sehun’s face held something you couldn’t quite interpret. It was amused, but also sincerely happy. 

“You’re cute” he announced in a teasing tone. “But you know, we don’t have the whole day. I’d like to go to sleep before midnight.”

“And you’re annoying” you replied, thoughtlessly leaning down and biting on his neck, hoping to silence him for the time being. 

“Ah, don’t do that without a warning” he laughed. “I may moan by accident.”

“Jesus Christ, you’re not making it easier so just shut up” you huffed, and to your surprise, he actually listened. 

A pleasant, comforting silence fell upon the two of you as you continued to kiss up the side of his neck, focusing on his artery to distract yourself from other things. 

You unwittingly pressed yourself to him a bit harder, and a strained whimper escaped the man’s throat.

“U-um, you okay?” you asked worriedly.

“Are you completely sure you have no idea what you’re doing?”

You pursed your lips, but the confusion on your face made him roll his eyes and his hands grasped your thighs, pushing you a tad higher so that you rested on his stomach instead. You didn’t dwell on it. 

You found yourself staring at him from above now, and even though the change did nothing to ease your nerves, you found yourself enjoying the sight it gave you. His hair smelled fresh and you couldn’t help yourself from nuzzling it gently and placing yet another kiss, on his temple. 

Something in you urged you to ask if really, for sure, he wants you to kiss him. But you quickly came to a quick conclusion that you already knew his reply, and that it’d be nothing but attempt to soothe your ego. You wanted to hear him say it yet again, but you didn’t want to sound too whiny at this point. There was no reason to. It’d only make you more nervous, you realized.

You leaned down and kissed his cheek. Your lips traveled lower, and in the very moment they found themselves in the corner of his own, he tilted his head back, making them finally meet in the fullest way possible. His hand pressed against the nape of your neck, tenderly encouraging you to get even closer. Your own arms naturally wrapped around his neck and he hummed into the kiss. 

And even before you could fully proceed the feeling, it was over, because the man pulled back, taking a breath, which reminded you that, in fact, you were holding yours and your head started to feel light. 

“O-oh.”

Sehun stared up at you in some kind of appreciation, and you sighed with relief. You didn’t do anything wrong, did you? Otherwise, he’d already tell you.

“So? How was it?” he asked. “Your first kiss?”

You pressed your lips together for a brief moment, looking away thoughtfully.

“…Not sure. I think I spaced out.”

And this time, he didn’t even try to stop himself from laughing out loud.

Please reblog if you enjoyed! Follow me for more uwu!

[negasonicimagines]

Throuple - “Disgusting F--cking Pervert”

Woo-hoo! Chapter two of Throuple is here! Thanks again to the lovely @hitupthatmotherhecker (tumblr still won’t let me properly tag you) for giving me such a lovely title for my blog! This feels kind of short, but it is over 1k words, so there’s that. 

Your free period was the last class of the day, as well as the only one Ellie and Yukio shared. Usually they’d walk from the class together to your dorm to hang out there or pick you up and go to the courtyard or something. Today, Ellie meets you at the dorm at the beginning of the period. 

“Is it really so bad that you’re skipping the class you have with her?” You ask her, with a bit of a teasing tone. Ellie’s like a cat, you have to be careful in your approach when you want to gain her attention, affection, or anything of the sort. If you have an inappropriate level of investment, she’ll be put off. So, you try not to take the situation too seriously without first reading her tone.

Ellie opens your door silently, and you follow her into your dorm. She closes the door, locking it, and you sit down on the edge of your bed. Ellie, always restless, remains standing, pacing.

“Serious business?” you wonder, wanting to confirm. Ellie nods.

“I- I like Yukio. I’d even be willing to say I love her, but… You can’t love more than one person at once, can you? It’s wrong, right? Right? I- I like two people. Two girls, obviously. Her and someone else. I feel- I feel like a disgusting fucking pervert. Like, who loves more than one person? It’s dishonest, disloyal, it’s cheating, it’s-”

You can’t help but tear up a little bit at the things she’s saying.

“Um- Um, Ellie, I think- I have to pee,” you practically jump from the bed, walking towards your bathroom door briskly. She grabs your arm, careful not to be too rough.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize putting you in the middle would stress you out this much. We- We can just hang out,” she huffs out, looking a little hurt at your hurt. 

“As much as I don’t want to be in the middle, that’s not what hurt me. Ellie, I’m- I’m polyamorous.”

“Poly… What now?”

“Polyamorous. It means I’m a disgusting, dishonest, disloyal pervert and a cheater, apparently.”

“No, no, wait, explain. I’m sorry for being an ignorant shit, please explain,” Ellie begs, her carefully-constructed and nearly indestructible facade of uncaring coolness broken down.

“Being polyamorous means I can love more than one person at once. Lots of polyamory relationships work, it just requires consent, communication, and-”

“Polyamory?! Like Mormons, or-?”

“No, no. Consensual polyamory. And, y’know, modern Mormons don’t actually do that anymore. They’ve got other problematic shit going on. A polyamorous relationship is when someone is in a relationship with more than one person, and the people involved know about it. There’s lots of ways a poly relationship can be constructed. Three or more people can all date each other, or one person can date multiple people, or a combination thereof.

“Like, for example, say there’s persons A, B, C, and D. Person A and Person B can be dating each other, and maybe A and Person C are dating, and Persons B and D date. C and D aren’t together, B and C aren’t together, and A and D aren’t together. That’s more complicated than the standard first two examples, but not outside the realm of possibility.”

Ellie’s mind is blown, you can see it on her face. 

“So… You’re saying I can be in love with two people at once, and even date both of those people, and as long as they both know about it and are truly okay with it… It’s not bad?”

“Yeah,” you nervously reply, her tone’s ambiguity making you anxious. You can’t tell if she’s thrilled or horrified by your perspective.

Ellie’s sigh of relief is momentous.

“By the way, Ellie, you’re the only person I’ve told about being poly… And I don’t want anyone else to know. High school is bad enough, and I’m already out as sapphic, so-”

Ellie gives a stiff nod.

“Can I, uh, stay here? I promise I won’t bother you or anything, I just need some time to process. I get that I’m probably, y’know, poly, but I’m still not- Not ready to face Yukio.”

“Totally. I usually just hang out and listen to music, you can do that too, or we could watch a movie or something.”

“A movie sounds great. Something terrible I can make fun of,” Ellie requests.

“I think Mean Girls 2 is still on Netflix,” you offer.

“Perfect,” Ellie says, and you turn on your TV, as well as your old PS3, putting the movie on once you’ve opened Netflix. She joins you on your bed, and after a few minutes of the film, you both take off your shoes, getting cozy together on your bed.

The bittersweet-ness you felt this morning returns and nearly brings tears to your eyes with its intensity. You’re getting to enjoy this intimate moment with Ellie, but it’s purely platonic. Ellie is into someone other than Yukio, but you know it’s not you. It’s heart-wrenching. You take a shaky breath that Ellie doesn’t notice, too busy mocking what is basically just the Disney version of Mean Girls. You smile at the joke she makes about “Tess from Camp Rock,” listening to her rant more than the movie itself.

After the movie ends, you and Ellie work on your homework together, bantering back and forth about the stupid questions and your stupid classmates and stupid life stuff. You’d forgotten how much you enjoyed one-on-one time with her.

“We should do this more often. Obviously, I care about Yukio just as much as you, but… This was really nice,” you admit.

“Yeah,” Ellie agrees, nodding and giving you a half-smile. “Actually, could I stay over tonight? I’m not ready to swallow my pride and apologize to Yukio for cold-shouldering her, especially ‘cause I don’t know if she’s done cold-shouldering me.”

“Of course, El. Always.”

“Always?” She wonders.

“Yeah, always,” you confirm, and her half smile turns into a full one, though it’s much meeker.

Yukio isn’t at dinner that night, but after a quick text conversation confirms she’s okay, you continue to enjoy your evening with Ellie. You converse at dinner like you did throughout the afternoon before returning to your dorm.

After performing your nighttime routines, you settle into bed together, cuddling as you normally do during sleepovers, just without Yukio in the mix.

“I really am sorry about what I said earlier. I didn’t know that what I was, what you are… That it could be good. Healthy. I never want to hurt you, even when I’m angry or upset about stupid stuff, okay? I promise.”

You meet Ellie’s eyes and smile softly at her sleepy face as well as the rare (from her) gesture of apology.

“I believe you, and I promise it’s okay.”

“Thank you,” Ellie says, nodding stiffly once before turning over to sleep. You turn away from her as well. Shortly after, she turns back around, putting an arm around you as if to spoon you. You freeze, feeling guilty about your feelings towards her, feeling like it’s wrong at this point to accept even platonic affection from her. “Goodnight, Y/N.”

“Sweet dreams,” you reply, closing your eyes and finding that your guilt is easier to hide from in the comfort and safety of Ellie’s arms.

[rmg91]

The Woes and Antics of Living Together-12

So here's a bit I've been waiting to write! It fought me a little but I think it turned out in the end c: Also sorry for any inaccuracies for the main thing this chapter's about, I did what research I could but sometimes real life experience is better for things and well...I haven't gotten a tattoo yet XD Oops? Did I just give away what happens? Guess you'll have to read and find out ;)

Enjoy!

Previous Chapter/Next Chapter; AO3/FF.net

@writerofberk The next chapter is out and Branch is a good (boy)friend to Poppy!

                                                   ~*~*~*~*~*~

Poppy sat in the park one bright and clear afternoon a few days later, scrapbook laid out in front of her as she cut out decorative pieces of paper out. The last few days had been spent silently arguing with Branch by trading his shirt back and forth. She'd had given back, as much as she had really wanted to keep it, and the next day found it laying on her bed. When confronted, Branch reiterated that he had said it was fine if she kept it. Except it clearly wasn't as he wouldn't even look at her when he said it! So the two had been shuffling it back and forth and she was gonna make sure he kept it or so help her-! Taking a deep breath, she was out here scrapbooking as a stress relief after all, the pinkette tapped her phone to play some music as she mused what to do with the current page.

It wasn't long before she was pulled from her musings with a shout of her name, “Poppy!”

Looking up, she grinned at the sight of her friends coming over, “Hey, guys! What's up?”

“Look who's here!” Satin crooned, pulling one teal haired, extreme sports expert over.

“Oh my gosh!” Poppy squealed, jumping up for a hug, “Ripley! Hey!”

“Hey yourself, Popstar~” Ripley greeted with a wink.

Ripley Turner was a twenty-three year old extreme sport enthusiast and an old high-school friend of the Snack Pack. She made a living off of blogs about all the various sports and activities she did and in turn got to travel the world. It was a rare event for her to decide to show up in Bergenville.

“What you doing here?” Poppy asked excitedly.

Ripley smirked and nudged Satin, “Came to see my favorite designer of course~” Satin blushed and giggled as Chenille rolled her eyes, “And her equally cool sister.”

“Thanks, Ripley.” The older twin said with a bit of sass before sitting by Poppy. Prompting Guy, Suki, Smidge and Biggie to do the same.

Before Poppy could ask anything else, Satin was bouncing up and down, “Oooh~! Show her!”

“Show me what?”

Ripley chuckled and turned to raise a bit of her tank up, “Check it!” She had revealed a new tattoo, one of many, of a pink scaled mermaid with teal hair cradling a large gem stone.

“Wooow.” Poppy awed before grinning at the older woman, “Very nice.”

The conversation moved on from there to some of Ripley's adventures and on goings. She had been surfing down in the tropics and was heading to the mountains next to do some free climbing. Of course, she first had to come to the Couture twins, or rather Satin, before speeding off to her next quest. Poppy insisted they have a little party and go clubbing before she had to leave to which Ripley happily agreed. It was after that, she and Satin went to go skateboarding leaving the rest of the group to chat.

Once they were gone, Chenille slumped on the table and buried her head in her arms with a groan. The rest the Pack chuckled sympathetically as Biggie patted her back. It was well known throughout their group how much Chenille put up with when the sporty woman was around.

“I love Ripley, I do! And I know Satin does too,” She groaned, “But I am not looking forward to the post Ripley Departure depression.”

“Don't worry, Chenille.” Biggie consoled, “We'll help cheer Satin up, like always.”

“Yeah, we've gotten pretty good at it.” Smidge boasted, “Isn't that right, Poppy?”

“Yeah, uh-huh,” Poppy distractedly replied, phone held steady in her hands as she looked at pictures.

Suki leaned over her shouldered and chuckled, “She's scrolling again.”

“I'm gonna do it this time, you guys. I mean it!” Poppy had decided a long time ago she had wanted a tattoo and seeing the newest one of Ripley's had made her determined to finally commit to have an image forever etched into her skin. If only she could choose something! There were so many great choices! Hearts, butterflies, cats, pride symbols, fish, mermaids, she could even get one of her little troll-self if she wanted! She just couldn't decide and it was driving her crazy!

Guy laughed lightly, “We've all heard that one before. What are the choices this time?”

“Uugg! Too many!” And the pinkette folded onto the table to groan into her scrapbook, “Help me.”

“Well...” Biggie started, looking pensive, “Perhaps you should first choose what category you'd want? Cute, fancy, abstract. Something with words maybe?”

“Yeah!” Smidge cheered, “You could get something with your fave lyrics!”

“With some music notes! Or a guitar?” Suki suggested.

“Perhaps maybe something immortalizing someone special?” Guy prompted, “Like Fuzzbert.”

Poppy groaned again, those were all such great ideas! She loved music but deciding on favorite lyrics? She loved too many different songs to choose just one. She liked the music note idea but thought they'd really go best with some lyrics. She loved her cat but immortalizing him on her skin...didn't feel right. “I don't knoooooow....”

“Oh!” Chenille exclaimed, “Why not get one of those cupid hearts? With the arrow going through it?” She then giggled, “With yours and Creek's names in it?”

Poppy looked up at Chenille, blush dusting her cheeks, “Oh...That's...good...” She didn't hate that idea, “But...Creek and I aren't actually together yet. I donno if I should...”

“You so should!” Cheered Chenille, the rest of their friends nodding in agreement, “It'd be so romantic.”

“And maybe then he'd finally ask out for real!” Added Smidge.

“And you could live happily ever after~” Cooed Biggie.

“Well....” Poppy bit her lip to keep herself from smiling too much. Smidge had a point, maybe it'd be the final push for Creek to finally ask her to be his girlfriend.

“You know you want to, Pops...” Needled Suki, elbowing her.

“Oh yes. You so do.” Added Guy, smirking.

Poppy whined low in her throat before crying out, “Okay, okay! I do! I want to do that idea!” She giggled happily as her friends cheered, “Think you guys can help me keep it a secret until I get it? Oh! I should ask him to come with me when I get it!”

“Yes!”

“Totally!”

“Okay!” Poppy said with determination, “I'll ask Creek to come with me when I get my first tattoo but first...Help me design it?”

                                                    ~*~*~*~*~*~

“You're going to do what?!”

Poppy rolled her eyes at Branch's expected reaction to hearing she was getting a tattoo. She had brought it up while they did the dishes that evening. Although she hadn't told him what she was getting yet, she wanted it to be kept as secret as it could before she actually got it. Not that she thought Branch would go and ruin the surprise to Creek, she just wanted to keep the final design to herself until she got it. Plus Branch always got so weird whenever she talked about Creek and she just had a feeling he'd be even more adamant she not get it once he heard who she was getting it for.

Branch couldn't believe Poppy wanted to do something so ridiculous and irresponsible...Okay he could, she'd done things like that before but a tattoo?! That was permanent! It be with her for the rest of her life! Didn't she know all the risks involved?! Then of course there was the question of what if she changed her mind? She could never change it or remove it! It was a terrible idea.

“Poppy.” He said seriously, looking her in the eye, “Don't you know what bad idea this is?! It's permanent! You can never get it removed! What if the artist does a terrible job, hmm? What if you flinch and gets ruined? What if they don't sterilize the needles correctly and you get an infection?!” He waved his hands around, “This isn't like the time you drew cupcakes all over yourself and then hour later changed them to kittens! You can't change your mind once it's there! Have you thought of that?!”

Huffing, Poppy crossed her arms and stared at her worry-wort of a roommate, “Branch. I've thought about this for a year, this isn't a random decision made on a whim. Also the artist I'm going to is very well recommended so I doubt there's any reason to worry about it getting messed up or infected.” She smirked at him, “And I am not going to change my mind. I know what I want.”

The dark haired man rolled his eyes, “You say that now.”

“I mean it,” Poppy pouted, “Plus I can always get another if I do want something different. So I'm getting this, wither you approve or not.”

Branch frowned, “Fine. Just don't blame me when you regret this. I warned you.” He then turned to go to his room.

“I'm not gonna regret this!” Poppy called after him after she stuck her tongue out at him. She wasn't, her design was perfect.

                                                  ~*~*~*~*~*~

A few days later found Poppy pacing and fidgeting across the street from the tattoo parlor she'd chosen as she waited for Creek to show up. While she was certain she wanted this, she couldn't help but be a little nervous about it. She had always thought having one would be cool and had gone back and forth with getting it throughout most of high school but just hadn't gone through with it. It honestly hadn't been since the last year that she had seriously thought about it and had been looking at ideas. And she knew this was going to be with her forever and that it could hurt but Poppy wasn't going to let that, or paranoid roommate's, stop her.

Checking her phone for the time and wondering where her not-quite boyfriend was, the pinkette sort of wished the rest of the Pack, or at least maybe Suki or Smidge, was there with her. They had all decided to make themselves busy with work or other obligations so she could be here with only Creek as to not get in the way of any official asking out. Poppy loved that they did that but she really wanted some company right now. For moral support.

She sighed and was about to steer herself into the parlor when her phone beeped. Jumping slightly, she pulled it back out to see a text from Creek.

'Can't make it, Love. Apologies.'

Oh...

Poppy unconsciously pouted, disappointed he wasn't coming but was sure he had a good reason. He always did. But now she was going to have to get her first tattoo by herself and she wasn't so sure she wanted to do that. But all her friends were busy... Well everyone except Branch, who was actually off today but was against her gong through with this. Biting her lip and bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet, Poppy decided to give it a chance anyway and poked at Branch's contact in her phone. If he said no, as he probably would, she'd go in anyway! She was Poppy Meadows and she never backed down!

“What?” Branch's bored voice echoed from the phone.

“Will you come join me?! Creek can't make it and everyone else is busy!” Poppy said in a rush, her nervous energy making her talk fast, “Pleeease, Branch? I'll do anything if you go with me! Bake your favorite dessert, cook dinner, not sing or play pop music for an entire night! I know you don't want me to do this but I really want a little moral support, please?!”

She waited with bated breath before she heard him sigh, “Fine...Where are you?”

Poppy jumped up and down, her bracelets jingling, “Thank you, thank you, thank you! Ooooh~ I'm so gonna hug you when you get here! No question!” Giggling a little she spun in place before telling Branch where she was, “See you soon~!”

“Yeah, yeah...”

                                             ~*~*~*~*~*~

It luckily only took Branch about twenty minutes to find the place Poppy was waiting at, finding her dancing in nervous excitement. He still couldn't believe she was going through with this, tattoo's were a big deal! He hoped whatever design she had was something she wouldn't mind having forever because he had looked up just how difficult it was to change certain ones. He also couldn't believe he'd agreed to be her moral support. Where were all her wonderful friends? Shouldn't they be here to cheer her on with this horrible decision? They were probably the cause of this was happening in the first place and-No. No. Branch mentally scolded himself because he knew, deep down, the Snack Pack were all good people who just supported Poppy the same why she supported them. And if he continued down that thought path he'd inevitably insult them in someway this afternoon and that would upset Poppy. Which was something he didn't want to deal with today if he could help it because he hated feeling guilty.

Approaching her, he made to say something but she noticed him first and hugged him without warning, “Oh my glitter! Thank you again!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay! Get off!” He cried, pushing her away, “Let's just go get your horrible life choice over.”

Poppy stuck her tongue out at him, “Don't be such a spoil-sport. Come on!” She grabbed his hand and pulled him across the street and into the shop.

A little bell twinkled as Poppy pushed open the door and dragged Branch inside before looking around with awe. Shops like this never stopped to amaze her since they could be so different from other places. A glass front counter sat on the right with the register, displays of knick-knacks and pictures of past and favorite customers on the shelves. All around the shop were displays of the varying designs that this shop offered and more pictures of amazing and complicated tattoos. There were also displays around the shop holding the choices for multiple different body piercings, something else this particular shop offered. Last but not least was a curtained off area in the back where the chairs and supplies sat, waiting to be used.

As Poppy and Branch looked around by the entrance, a tall, statuesque red haired woman with tattoos all down her arms and across her chest came out from behind the curtain, where a buzzing sound could be heard, “Hey. Welcome. What can I do for you today?”

“Hi!” Poppy enthusiastically greeted, hopping up to the counter with a grin, “I was looking to get a tattoo today.”

The woman chuckled at Poppy's excitement, “Alright.” She turned to the nearby computer and started typing, “Do you have anything in mind? Or are you choosing from our collection today?”

“I-um...I have a design.” Poppy giggled, a light blush staining her cheeks as she pulled out the sketch Chenille had helped her draw. A large red heart with an arrow going through it and her name and Creek's done it fancy cursive. It even had a few colorful flowers and music notes peppered around for fun. She handed it over for the other woman to see.

The employee took a look at it with a grimace, “Ah...”

“Is-is something wrong with it?”

“No.” She was quick to assure, “It's just...tattoo's like this can be....regretted later on more often than not. What if you and you're boyfriend,” Her eyes flashed briefly to Branch, who was wandering the store, “Break up?”

“Oh!” Poppy waved a hand over her shoulder, “That's my roommate. As for my...boyfriend I don't think we'll break up.” Well, once they were actually together that was, “He's amazing.”

“Ah, well,” The worker shrugged, “Customer's always right.” She then placed the sketch by the scanner and continued typing, “Should be about fifteen minutes until the artist's free.”

Poppy nodded with a smile before looking around the shop some more. Finding a book of examples on the counter, she began flipping through, interested in seeing what else could be done. Humming a little tune, she saw lots of interesting ideas, including some that she thought fit her friends perfectly. Maybe she could convince them to get a tattoo one day, they could even get matching ones! Flipping the next page, Poppy suddenly paused, eyes being drawn to a sun design, the wavy rays stretching outward. It almost looked like the sun symbol from Tangled and Poppy couldn't help but be interested in it.

“Excuse me?” She asked pointing to the design, “How much would this one be?”

The red head looked over, “About the same.” She smiled kindly at Poppy, “Do you want a few minutes to decide if you'd rather want that one? I don't have to scan this yet.”

“Um...” Poppy bit her lip before nodding. She had really wanted the one for her and Creek but now...she wasn't so sure.

Meanwhile Branch was looking around the various displays and wondering just why people got some of these images permanently inked onto their skin. Some were just plain weird and questionable. Then there were the body piercing choices, some of which looked extremely painful. Although he did see one particular little charm that had just sung Poppy to him and he was eternally grateful she wasn't getting a belly button piecing as he wasn't quite sure what he'd do with that knowledge.

Branch was about to turn and rejoin Poppy at the register when she came rushing over, grabbing onto his arm and looking torn, “What's wrong?”

“I....Well...” Poppy stalled before explaining, “I was looking through this book of choices they have upfront and I saw a design I really like and now I don't know what to get! Help?!”

Branch sighed, of course something like this would happen, this was why he told her not to do it. At least she was having this issue now before she was sitting down with the needle about to pierce her skin, “I thought you wanted the design you and your friends came up with?”

“Our friends. And I did-Do! I just....” She bit her lip and Branch had to focus hard on not wanting to cup her face and stop her from doing so, “I saw this sun design and it reminded of Tangled and I really, really like it cause I can totally see it on me and I feel like it's calling to me but then if I do, I'll disappoint everyone by not getting the one we worked on!”

“Poppy.” Branch said, placing his hands on her shoulders and looking her in the eye, “As much as I disapprove of this, it's your body. This thing will be with you forever, get something you know you want. Your friends will understand and if they don't, it's their problem not yours. Get this sun if you want it so badly and wait and get this mystery design some other time.”

Poppy opened her mouth to reply before really thinking about Branch just said. He did have a point, there wasn't anything stopping her from coming back and getting another one. And now that she thought about it maybe she should wait to get the one for Creek until after they were together. It could be an anniversary present of something! She smiled up at Branch, eyes twinkling, “You're right. I can always get the other one some other time. Thanks~”

Branch gulped and forced the blush threatening to rise down when she thanked him, “Don't mention it. Really.” He pulled back and crossed his arms, “I still think this is a bad idea.”

“Too bad~” She winked at him, “You just said it's my body and I can do want I want with it.” And with a giggle, she went back to the front counter to confirm the design she wanted.

About ten minutes later the buzzing in the back stopped and a two men stepped out. One shook the other's hand before waving to the red head as he exited. The other man, one with even more tattoo's than the woman, was burly with short shaved haired and multiple piercings including one in his lip. While his outer appearance almost screamed 'bad guy' there was a kind look in his blue eyes. He grinned at the woman warmly, “Alright, Rita. Anyone else?”

Rita smirked and gestured to Poppy, “Right here.”

“Hey! How ya doin'?” The man gave his hand to Poppy to shake, “Name's Alex.”

“Poppy.”

Alex grinned and shoved his hands in his pockets, “So getting a tat today, are you? First one?” At Poppy's nod he laughed joyously, “Then you came to right place. This way, little lady.”

As she and Branch followed his toward the back, Poppy asked, “Would it be alright if we filmed a little bit of the process for my vlog?”

“Go right ahead! I'm always happy to share the artistry.” Alex said, sitting in a rolling chair and pointing Poppy toward another chair as Rita handed him a few pieces of paper. He rolled over to sit in front of Poppy as she handed her purse to Branch, “So getting a sun today, huh?” The artist grinned as Poppy giggled and nodded, “Seems like a fitting choice. So what size were ya thinkin'?”

Poppy and Alex talked logistics about the tattoo for a little while, size and where she wanted it. They also spoke about how she wanted it colored and Alex suggested making it variegate from yellow in the center to orange in the rays with a dark red/orange outline. Poppy agreed with the idea so Alex had her turn in the chair and rest her arms on an arm rest while he marked out the position on her left shoulder blade. Poppy had already decided that's where she had wanted it and had worn a halter top to make things easier. Once Alex confirmed the place for it with Poppy he pasted the template on her skin, transferring the outline before rolling over to gather the needles and ink.

Poppy grinned up at Branch, who had been watching somewhat impressed at how thorough Alex was with his questions and suggestions, “Hey? Grab my camera from my purse and start filming? Please?”

Sighing, Branch rolled his eyes, “I still don't understand your need to vlog everything.” But he still grabbed the smaller camera from her purse and fiddled with it to turn it on.

Alex rolled back over, bringing a tray with ink, wipes and the needles necessary for the process before attaching the first needle to the machine. He smiled and asked, “Okay, ready?”

Poppy took a deep breath and tried to relax her shoulders before holding out a hand to Branch. She looked up at him with pleading, amber eyes and after a second, he gave her his to hold tightly as he filmed with his free hand. At her nod, Alex turned on the machine and began drawing.

It surprisingly didn't hurt as much as Poppy had expected and she was pleasantly surprised when it was announced she had the first few lines done. The rest of the time Alex took to do the outline, he talked to her and Branch, asking questions on what they did and such. Rita eventually joined them, leaning against a wall and helping to distract Poppy from what little pain she did feel. Soon enough Alex proclaimed the outline done as he wiped away excess ink. Once done, he switched the needles and dipped it into the yellow ink before he began to color.

                                                     ~*~*~*~*~*~

All in all it took perhaps not quite two hours with the little waiting they did and the time it took for Poppy and Alex to talk about what she wanted before her new tattoo was done. Alex finished wiping all the excess ink off before pulling back and declaring it finished before pulling over a mirror to help Poppy see it. She exclaimed it was perfect and thanked him profusely before he bandaged it up and gave her a pamphlet on aftercare.

“Thank you again soo much~!” Poppy squealed, dancing in place but being careful not to jiggle her shoulder too much, it did hurt just a little.

“You're welcome!” Alex laughed as Rita cleaned up a bit, “If you have any questions or concerns just let us know. You can come in or contact us via phone or email. “ He then winked playfully, “And, of course, if you ever want another you know where to come.”

Poppy giggled, “Of course!” She then turned and started hopping out the door, “Come on, Branch. We need to make a stop for some scent free lotion.”

Rolling his eyes, Branch nodded goodbye to the artists and followed Poppy out, “No need. I already got you some.” At her surprised look, he shrugged, “What? I did some research and decided to save you a trip.”

Alex chuckled as their conversation was cut off by the closing of the door and a bell twinkle, “Cute couple. Bet you anything he decides her tattoo was worth getting once he gets use to seeing it.”

Rita laughed, “Yeah, 'cept they're not a couple. Apparently he's just the roommate.”

“If he's just the roommate, than I'm three feet tall.”

Rita shrugged, “Hey. Whatever their relationship, I'm just glad he talked her out of the tat she wanted first. Her and the apparent boyfriend's name.”

Alex groaned, “Oooh, those are horrible. Nobody should never get those.” He then chuckled, “Good on that guy then. That sun was much more appropriate for a happy girl like that.”

“Agreed.”

                                                         ~*~*~*~*~*~

“So you'll help me take some pictures of my tat later, won't you?” Poppy asked as they walked down the sidewalk, “Please?”

“Anything else the princess demands?”

Poppy elbowed him lightly, “How about we order out tonight? Or stop somewhere? You did kind of do me a big favor by coming with me so... least I can do is give you a break from cooking. Once in a while at least, wouldn't want you getting rusty.”

“Haha.” Branch glanced at her before looking away. He would do pretty much anything she asked of him because of his feelings, not that she knew that, “And sure. We can stop somewhere.”

“Yay! Let's go!” She grabbed his hand and started happily pulling him down the street.

                                                   ~*~*~*~*~*~

And there you go! Poppy now has a tattoo! Also give it up for more random OCs that came about! Anyway, not too much to say here other than I hope you liked it and to stay tuned for more~!

[doctorgerth]

Good luck with the blog dear!! I am cheering for you! 💜 Here is my request, how will X Drake behave when he meets the woman who once was his superior when he was a marine and theu had a relationship back then (not fully romantic, more like something physical). Now she is a infamous pirate. Please make it a scenario if it is possible. I hope this makes sense xD (Ai)

I know this is old, but still, thank you so much, Ai! To be quite honest, idk what the fuck I just wrote for you lol X Drake is an interesting character, but was a bit of a challenge since we hardly know anything about him. I hope I portrayed him to your liking. Also, I know you never stated it, but I kinda went a lil nsfw-ish at the end? I hope that’s okay. If not, I will gladly change it! Either way, I hope you enjoy this! x

*Putting it under the cut, as it is a bit lengthy!

Running into a Former Lover (X Drake)

Seeing her waltz in into the bar was immediate nostalgia. A rush of emotions, emotions he hasn’t felt in years, flooded his entire being. He eyed her shamelessly for a while, making sure over and over again that it was indeed (Name) he was seeing right in front of his eyes. Craning his neck for a better view, his heart skipped a beat once the divine eye contact was made at last. X Drake was a rather apathetic man, but he couldn’t hide or deny the fiery rush of blood that tinted his entire face once she recognized him.

“Drake? Is that you?”

He had spent a good few minutes just staring at the woman, begging for her to notice him. But now that she was walking his way, a cheesy smile accentuating her face, he wanted nothing more than to flee this place at breakneck speed. What would he say to her? What would she say to him? Her smile was inviting, but surely he was setting himself up for trouble if the Marines were here.

X Drake stood from his chair, a respectful stance he grew accustomed to while working alongside his former Marine superior, (Name) years ago. She was a Vice Admiral, and he was her Rear Admiral, her right hand man. The two were quite the pair back in his Marine days.

“(Name).” He acknowledged her flatly.

Her pace seemed to quicken as soon as her name rolled off his lips. Only he could make her name sound like that. It was him! She couldn’t contain her excitement as she trotted over to her former partner, thrilled to see him as it had been years since their last time together.

X Drake stood still, was she there to arrest him? He had been extra careful as to not cause any trouble the past few days. My, what a sight it would be for her of all people to retain him.

“As stoic as ever.” She smiled up at his indecipherable demeanor. She always found that side of him intriguing. (Name) had lost count of the times she spent observing him, wracking her brain for any knowledge as to what this unreadable man was thinking.

Her smile and playfulness made his tight lips crack ever so slightly into a wistful smile. Still as beautiful as ever, he thought to himself. But he wouldn’t dare say such words out loud for everyone to hear. Just before his mind had wandered, something peculiar caught his eye.

“Is that a Jolly Roger?” His left brow raised high, surely she was working undercover for a mission of some sort? Nevertheless, there was definitely a pirate symbol on her coat. One he had seen before, but couldn’t quite place a name on.

An even bigger, prouder smile graced her lips, “Yep! I’m officially a pirate, just like you!” Though she was his superior, she enjoyed acting like she was the one who looked up to him. She always said that it was a means to inflate his ego, but he knew it was her way of teasing him.

“My my, (Name). What happened to fighting in the name of justice?” He couldn’t hide the amused smile any longer, his hands resting at his hips dramatically. He was indeed proud of her, but was he supposed to be? Why had she left? She was a Vice Admiral! He knew how tedious and difficult it was to achieve that rank, let alone abandon it.

She simply shrugged her shoulders in response, “We always talked about how flawed the system was. I grew tired of the mundane missions that got us all nowhere. I’m not getting any younger, so I decided it was time to take a risk! Live an actual life for once.” Her confident laughter filled the room, and though the bar was as full and lively as moments ago, all he could hear was her; everyone else had faded away, “I had seen you in the papers and…”

“Oh, so you’ve been keeping up with me?” A satisfied and cocky grin stretched from ear to ear on his face. It was her turn to blush now.

“T-that’s not what I…”

“You did always enjoy living on the wild side.” Drake pointed out, going back to their main conversation. Remembering the life-risking adventures they frequently went on together, he had to admit, life with her was definitely thrilling. She knew how to keep him on his toes and he admired that about her.

“I always enjoyed it with you, anyway.” She admitted honestly, almost to herself, but he had heard. A quickened pace began thumping in his chest at her confession.

The two had subconsciously sat down at the table they were talking by, Drake’s crew getting the hint to relocate while (Name)’s men remained close by, talking amongst themselves at a table within sight. A waitress plopped down a couple of beers and the two began reminiscing, picking up right where they left off.

* * *

“Oh? So you’re the captain?” Drake sneered, feeling more and more comfortable by the second. He could always let his guard down around her, effortlessly.

(Name) sloshed down the rest of her drink, slamming the cup down, “Damn straight I am! Who the hell else would it be? Can’t trust these men to lead each other. It’s like the blind leading the blind!” Her drunken laughter sounded like music to his ears; the kind of song you wanted to listen to on repeat.

“Men need a strong woman in their life. They are lucky to have you.” The words just flowed right out, and his sincerity caused her face to heat up. She brought the mug to her face, attempting to hide the evidence of her embarrassment. Drake smiled to himself, catching sight of her adorably flushed face, knowing there was nothing left in that mug.

“W-well how about you then? Have you met anyone?” She was scared to know the answer, but she couldn’t waste another second in the dark. Had everything truly been lost between the two?

Drake shook his head, “Can’t say I have found anyone to settle with just yet.” His arms stretched to rest casually behind his head, “One too many options.”

Her eyes widened. Was he serious? Had her chance been shot? She was searching his face for any evidence of jest, but his face was as unreadable as ever! Would she ever learn to crack his codes?

It was no surprise he’d have hoards of women clawing at his feet. He’s always been so handsome and charming. Her head felt heavy as it began to stoop.

“Kidding.” He muttered blankly, “Only kidding.”

(Name)’s head shot up. Her flustered, furious face causing an entertained chuckle to escape his throat.

“Oh, haha, very funny. I’m sure you’re quite the bachelor.” Her eyes rolled dramatically to the back of head.

Coming down from his laughter, Drake looked down into his drink, the remaining liquid reflecting his hesitant face. “What about you?”

(Name) was always an independent, head-strong woman. Most men would fear her type, but never him. Drake adored her fighting spirit, her determination, and her immense care for others. He hadn’t realized that until his absence from the Marines and his absence from her.

“Not for me. I’m far too independent for any romance.” Her (e/c) eyes drifted to a downcast angle; she was no longer looking at him. She looked upset and he was willing to do anything to bring that smile he loved so much back to her sweet face. He had wondered if something happened during their separation. Surely she had met someone along the way? Silence filled the table, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable one. The boisterous noise from the bar crowd coming into earshot yet again, until her restrained voice brought him back to their own little world.

“It’s really been a while…” She whispered, reminiscing on the days when they were most dynamic; not only on the battlefield, but behind closed doors as well.

“10 years.” He retorted matter-of-factly.

She smiled, he had remembered, “We were so young then. So desperate for some kind of connection with anything other than duty.”

Drake’s brows furrowed, causing his infamous frown to return. His body stiffened forward with his hands resting on the table, “You were my duty, Captain.”

(Name) bit her quivering lip at his formalities. He hadn’t called her that since 10 whole years ago. She did not expect such a simple title, one she was most definitely used to by now, to get her flustered so easily. Sobering up, her shaking hands found his that was resting atop the table. The need for contact was intense between the two as he never faltered, simply allowing her hands to settle on his casually. He didn’t realize just how much he missed her touch until her ever soft skin sent him reeling to their past passionate rendezvous together. This touch was different however; innocent, longing.

“It’s been too long…” (Name) trailed off, subconsciously joining Drake on a journey into their past.

They were indeed younger back then. Things were hardly ever more than physical for the pair. Their desire for each other had threatened to overrule their desire for justice, because they were that desperate to feel something. Thinking back on it now, it was amazing they were able to work together for so long, since they were quite terrible at hiding their affection. 

Working as a Marine was stressful, especially being a Vice and Rear Admiral. Satisfaction was practically a must to make it through the tough times, and luckily, they always found relief in each other. They knew their passionate nights together were numbered. What they hadn’t expected was to miss each other once their time was up. All the things they regrettably overlooked in each other, became the things they craved for in other people during the 10 long years. But, the connection with strangers could never be formed, as Drake and (Name)’s connection had only grown stronger during their absences.

It was a subtle connection, one they thought about occasionally, that caused them to pray silently to whatever god was ruler of their fate; they needed to see each other, just one last time. Were they given that chance, they promised they would do better that go around. Now, as fate would have it, they were here, holding hands in a random bar while reminiscing on what was behind them. But was the past truly the only chance they had together?

“I shouldn’t have left you like that, (Name).” Drake admitted, sheer regret dripping from his words.

(Name) nodded, forgiving tears swelling in her eyes, but she wouldn’t let the dam break. Drake squeezed her hands in his, offering a reassuring smirk.

“Any way I can make it up to you? Say it, and it’s yours.”

She looked at him while slowly leaning in. To anyone else, the pair just looked like they were having a nice conversation. But she knew the true meaning behind his words. She instantly noticed his sincere smile twisting to something devious, seductive. His eyes sparkled; that same youthful sparkle that always tempted her in the darkness of her room.

The pair looked over to their respective crews who were each drunk and in their own worlds. They could sneak away easily, just like old times. The rush made both of them nervous, yet excited. But they were pirates now, they could do whatever they wanted.

“I can think of a few ways.” She whispered, inches from his face now.

* * *

They found themselves entangled in endless bouts of passion later that night. Though nostalgic, the night was far from any others they had experienced in their past. They had matured and at last accepted their deep-rooted, irrevocable love for one another. X Drake made many confessions, apologies, and declarations of love to his lover that night. Their fervently intertwined bodies drifted off to a peaceful slumber, ending their sensual night with the promise this wouldn’t be their last.

[wasteland-tyrant-imagines]

Could you do pre-romance but hella in love with FSS companions (since we choose four could you do Nicky V, Hancock, Deacon, and Danse) react to watching sole get transported to the institute for the first time with the molecular relay and being so worried and anxious that they won’t return or be okay and then how they react when sole comes back?

( *I accidentally did neutral SS, so I hope that’s okay!   I haven’t done an imagine in a while, but I somehow got 23 new followers in three days??  I don’t know how 300+ of you guys have found my Fallout blog, but hello!  I’m glad you’re here!   This one got long, so it’s mostly under a cut.)

Nick Valentine:

“I’ve gotta tell you, I don’t like this plan one bit,” the detective admitted, anxiously fidgeting his mechanical hand along his pockets in search of a smoke.  Did he smoke the last one while they were building the damned contraption?  Chain smoking while stressed just happened to be one of the personality quirks he could thank ol’ Nicky for, and now, it was making him jittery.  

Or maybe he just didn’t want to admit how stressed he was over the idea of this plan going awry.  

“If you get vaporized right here, then all of this was for nothing,” he pressed, before realizing his voice had taken on a hard edge when their shoulders straightened.  He amended it by adding, “There’s gotta be some other way – something we didn’t think about yet.”

They shook their head, staring straight ahead at the platform.  “We both know this is the only way, Nick,” they replied, patient and even.  Nick tried to keep his hand still.  

“Even if it does work, I can’t go with you.  No one can.  And you’ve only seen a fraction of what the Institute’s capable of.”  The words tumbled out of him before he could sensor himself.  They turned then, looked right at him, and smiled.  It was a shadow of the reassuring grin he’d seen directed at him and countless others along the way; they were just as scared about this as he was.

“They have Shaun,” the survivor murmured, barely above a whisper.   “This is our only shot at getting him back.”

Nick fell silent for a moment, before sucking in a deep breath. He needed to be the reassuring one; instantly, he regretted ever voicing his doubts.   They weren’t anything that they weren’t already thinking, and yet, they were prepared to go anyway.  “I know.  And if there’s anyone that can pull this off, it’s you.  I’d wager that every time, partner.”

Their smile regained some of its luster, and they reached into one of their pockets and then pressed something into his metallic hand.  “I’ll be right back, and I’ll have answers,” they vowed, and then they stepped onto the platform, and he watched as they disappeared from sight like something from a sci-fi comic.  

He unfurled his fingers; they’d placed a cigarette in his hand.  With something between a laugh and a scoff, he lit it up, stuck it between his lips, and muttered, “I’ll hold you to that.”

Days passed with growing anxiety among the others and the Sanctuary settlement.    Everyone tried to keep busy, to not think that their leader had just been vaporized before their eyes or was being held captive by the wasteland boogeymen.  Nick kept busy, but vigilant; he didn’t need sleep, so he stayed close to the platform, waiting for them to keep their word.

When they finally did, it was the dead of the night, and he was nearly done chain-smoking another pack.  They weren’t standing on the platform, but in the middle of the street, their head down.  He stood and made his way to them, relief coursing through him.  

“Hey, you made it back in one piece, after all!” he called out, his tone light.  However, when they turned to him, he saw the weight on their shoulders, the solemn look on their face.  And it’s then that he realized they didn’t have Shaun.

“I don’t know what to do,” they mumbled.

Nick reached out, hesitantly setting a hand on their shoulder.  He moved closer, fearing the worst.  “Was your son…?”  

They shook their head immediately.  “He’s there.  He’s safe.  It’s just…”  Their throat got tight and they trailed off, shaking their head in lieu of words.

Nick squeezed their shoulder and started urging them toward the house.  “C’mon.  Let’s get inside.  We’ll figure it out together.”

(rest under a cut)

Hancock

“You know… I’ve done some crazy things, but this is crazy even by my standpoint.”  

Hancock watched as they approached the platform, his hands planted on his hips.  In truth, he was worried about them, but he also wanted to be going in beside them.  Getting literally beamed into the Institute?  Going in, shotgun blazing, to take down as many of those bastards that replaced his friends with machines as possible?  Yeah, it sounded like a hell of an adventure – and a rush.  

They turned their head toward him and grinned.  There was a tinge of nervousness in that expression, but he could tell they were still determined.  “C’mon.  This isn’t crazier than taking a hit from an experimental radiation drug, and you just did that for fun,” they pointed out, teasing.

“And it made me into the handsome devil I am today.  You sure you won’t end up a ghoul after this?”

“You make it look good.  I’ll find myself a pirate hat or something and we can be stylish ghouls together,” they chuckled, trying to ease their nerves with humor.  Hancock laughed, his arms dropping to his sides.  He’d be lying if he didn’t admit that he hadn’t entertained a fantasy or two about the survivor turning ghoul and being able to stick around with him even longer.  

“That don’t sound half-bad, actually.  But you’ll have to do better than a pirate costume.”  They flipped him off good-naturedly, and he grinned.  “Just try to come back in one piece, all right?  A little hard to make good on some fantasies if you’re a pile of ash.”

“Hard, but not impossible, right?”

The ghoul laughed, shaking his head slightly.  “You’ve been hanging around me too long.  Go on.  Get outta here.”  He waved an arm toward the platform.  “Just… be careful, you dig?”

They hesitated only a moment before they gave him a thumbs up and a reassuring grin.  “Stay out of trouble while I’m gone.”

And then they were gone.  

The days passed with Hancock being restless and high in Sanctuary.  He wasn’t sure how long they were going to be gone.  He’d thought about heading back to Goodneighbor, but it seemed pointless.  So, he helped out with the settlement and shot the shit with Nick most of the time.  

When they finally came back, he thought he was having some sort of drug hallucination.  It was the middle of the night, and he’d been sprawled on the couch while he tripped on Mentats.  They came into the house he’d claimed as his own, and when he sat up, they crossed the living room toward him.  

“Glad to see you didn’t get evaporated.  And hey, your skin is still smooth.  Did it take you to the right place?”  One word came after another, and when they spoke, their voice was hoarse, throat constricted.

“Yeah.”

The one-word reply had him quickly sobering.  “Did you find your boy?”

“I did.”

“Then…”  Hancock leaned in, trying to get a better look at their face in the dim light.  His mouth felt dry.  “Why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

All at once, they collapsed onto the couch, right beside Hancock.  “I’ve gotta figure out what to do,” they muttered, barely audible.  Hancock didn’t understand what had happened, but he knew it was terrible to rattle the survivor like this.  But right now, it was late, and he was just so fucking relieved that they were alive and back, right by his side.  

“That’s a question for tomorrow.  Right now, you look like you could use this.”

Casually, he reached over them and picked up a Jet inhaler from the floor.  

His arm stayed around them regardless of whether or not they took it from him.

Deacon

“Hey, boss, don’t get vaporized.”

Deacon grinned, and the survivor rolled their eyes, standing in front of the platform while Tinker Tom booted it up.

“It’s probably a 50-50 toss-up that I might, huh?” they joked, wryly.  Deacon shrugged.

“Probably more like 80-20, with the odds on becoming dust.”  As they muttered a gee thanks beneath their breath, Deacon stepped forward and placed a hand on their shoulder.  “I wish I could come with you on this one, but hey.  Even if the odds are stacked, I’d still put my caps on you pulling through and kicking Institute ass.”

“I hope so.  I just want to find Shaun,” they admitted, some of the mirth draining from their tone.  Deacon’s fingers flexed, squeezing their shoulder.  

“If this works, I know you will.  And if not, we’ll figure something else out.  You’ve been doing the impossible all over the Commonwealth, you know?”  He grinned again, his eyes hidden beneath his sunglasses.  “And if this contraption doesn’t work out… Hell, we’ll harness this power and make some sort of vaporizing death ray.  You won’t go out in vain, boss.”

They elbowed him in the side without any real heat, chuckling.  “Well as long as there’s a death ray, I feel much better about being the test subject.”

“I thought you would.”

Tinker Tom finished up, and it was time.  The survivor quipped, “Be back in a flash” right before they disappeared.  

Days passed, and Deacon kept busy with the Railroad, though always kept close to Sanctuary.  He was beginning to grow nervous right around the time that they materialized in a flash of light in the middle of the night.  He didn’t sleep much these days, so he’d been on watch when it happened, and he went running toward them.  

“Aw, guess there won’t be a death gun,” he jokingly called out, relief flooding over him.  Thank everything that they were okay.  They were still in one piece, and the Institute hadn’t killed them or kept them captive.  

But they were also alone, he noted.  No little boy.

Slowly, they turned toward him.  

“How’d the mission go, bos–?”

They cut him off by suddenly hugging him, shaking their head when he tried to speak again.  “He’s alive,” they managed.  “But everything’s… complicated now.”

Deacon was caught off-guard, but he slowly pat their back and tried to keep his voice light.  “Things are always complicated these days; it’s par for the course.  We’ll just have to sort them out.”

The survivor hummed in the back of their throat, and neither one let go just yet.

…. Later, the survivor would discover that Deacon left a report with the Railroad about how they had to fight to piece their body together across the time-space-continuum after using the device.

Danse

“Are you scared, soldier?”

The survivor sucked in a deep breath.  “Honestly?  Yeah.”

“The device has been constructed using a state-of-the-art facility with leading technological–”

“No,” they cut in, “I’m not scared of getting zapped into nothingness.  Okay, maybe I am, but I’m more scared of what happens next.”

Danse’s brow furrowed.  “You’re worried you won’t be a match for the Institute single-handed?  I assure you that they may outnumber you, but they’re just machines.  If you use your tactical knowledge and limit this mission to a covert one, you should be all right.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about, either,” they admitted.  “I’m worried about Shaun.  About what’s happened to him there…”  They turned to him, stricken.  “All I want to do is find him.  I’ll do anything.”

He knew they would; he knew that was why they were doing this in the first place, despite the risks.  It was a great opportunity for the Brotherhood, of course, but it was much more than orders or a mission to the survivor.  

It was everything.  

“I’m sure you will.  Just don’t be reckless, soldier.”

Danse couldn’t explain why he had such an unsettling feeling in his stomach as they smiled, murmured their thanks, and then gave a flippant salute before disappearing.  There was a part of him that wondered if they had been vaporized, or if they had been captured by the Institute.  What if they came back injured?  Or if their rescue mission was unsuccessful?

Or the unthinkable – what if they came back as a synth?  

He dwelled on it as the days passed.  He kept up with his work for the BoS, but his mind was elsewhere.  He was too busy thinking about how he would rescue them and ways for him to use the relay himself to provide back-up.  There had to be something he could do.  

Just as he was strung as tight as could be with concern, they finally came back.  They walked right into his quarters one night, and the second he looked at them, he knew that they hadn’t been replaced with a synth.  They wore a haunted look on their face – one that could only come from loss, from a mission gone awry.

“Good to see that you’ve returned from your mission unharmed,” he began, though he could tell that things hadn’t gone as planned.  The boy wasn’t with them.  “I knew you wouldn’t let those machines get the best of you.  Would you care to debrief me now or should I read your report in the morning?”

They moved to sit down in a chair and shook their head.  “I just want to rest for a moment, okay?  It’s been a long week.  I’m trying to figure some things out.”

Danse hesitated for a moment and then finally crossed the floor to kneel beside their chair.  “Is something amiss, soldier?” he asked, even though it was obvious.  He was just so relieved that they were okay – and not replaced by a synth!  “What about your son?”

“He was there, but…”  They trailed, shaking their head.  “I’ll tell you tomorrow.”  They reached out and touched his arm.  Being near him made them feel safe, even though they knew that they would have to make an important decision down the line.  “I don’t want to think tonight, okay?”

Slowly, he covered their hand with his, his voice dropping low.  He was at a loss, but he could do this much for them.

“Affirmative.”   

[justtryingtoliveright]

Wednesday 17th August 2022

Dear Blog, 

Today was a generally okay day. It wasn’t good but wasn’t bad. Parts of the day felt entirely numb, and I had no feeling at all. To be honest I think that those times were the most difficult as when your mind is blank, it’s entirely unfocussed, which made work difficult and I felt like I was constantly forgetting to do things or I’d be in the middle of something and the blankness made it all confusing. It gets more and more like that these days, whether it’s just me being strange or whether I’m just exhausted. Both would make perfect sense.

Work was good today. I think it helps take my mind off things, I really enjoy it!! If I could get paid for something like that I think I’d have a great time, although that is definitely not in my future plans. Work was absolutely manic from the second I walked through the door. There must have been 3 volunteers in there for the morning shift who were finishing up, plus the managers. They were incredibly busy, everyone doing different jobs. They then got me doing sorting, which is something I’ve never really done and did an awful job at it. I didn’t even get to finish before I was set back to the tills, which was a relief. I was by myself on the tills in the afternoon, which I think I prefer to be honest. When there’s more than one person on it feels like there’s nothing to do sometimes. I did a lot of reorganising, which I also really enjoy, especially when I get to colour coordinate stuff!! I did a lot of restocking and generally had so much fun at work. The assistant manager also told me that I’m a pleasure to work with and always engaged and like to be busy. That was the confidence boost I needed.

The one real bother for today is results day. I get my A level results tomorrow and know for a fact that I’ve really messed up. My predictions for tomorrow:

Biology: B

Chemistry: E

Maths: C

Further Maths: U

I’ve been incredibly stressed about that today and its made me feel so incredibly sick. A levels generally went so badly and I do feel very let down in many ways. 

I don’t agree with exams generally for many reason. Firstly, how can you base a qualification off a set off exam questions based off purely knowledge recall? This counts for all subjects. Even if you have to analyse parts and expand your knowledge to answer the question it always required knowledge recall and if you struggle with that, or stress affects it (which is my case), then exams feel like an impossible feat. Secondly, if you had a bad day, had a lot going on in your personal life or any other possible problem, your exams can be badly affected and in that case, that’s your chance at a good grade completely obliterated. On the same kind of lines, if the person marking your exam has had a particularly bad day, their marking may be more critical, and may not give you marks where you could argue that you’d deserve them. 

One more argument I will make is that exam conditions are not always the ideal conditions for some people to work. I find myself in this category. For me, I find full silence more stressful to work in than slightly noisy condition. It’s something that has only affected me for 2 years now but I have a problem that exam conditions silence is never silence. In exams although there isn’t talking to be a distraction the lack of causes me to be fully immersed and distracted by every other sound in the room. There’s been times in our mocks where because the clock was ticking (thankfully they used ones that don’t tick for the real exams), I spent 10+ minutes not able to focus because I couldn’t erase the ticking from my mind. Exam season is also hay fever season so that was something else that was a distraction for me. I will also point out, of course they can’t help suffering with it, it’s just unfortunate that my brain focuses on each sound s it does when I’m in silent conditions. Having it makes me feel guilty because it cannot be helped but I struggle. 

Other reasons I feel let down: covid has really messed up our A level years. These exams were the first formal exams a lot of our year sat since year 6 (not including mocks as they’re different in a way). Also the fact that we were behind in the first place by not doing GCSEs, exacerbated by the fact that learning was messy, some was remote (which doesn’t work for a lot of people), and some was even spent in lockdowns. With all of that they’re still using out year to try and lower the grade boundaries back to the 2019 level. One more thing is the fact that the advanced information we were given was incredibly inaccurate a lot of the time. I used the advanced information as I was meant to and studies other topics as well as those listed, but one some of the papers the advanced information was very misleading. For example, on the first biology paper one of the top listed topics (so should be one of the most credits) was photosynthesis, for there to be a single 5 mark question that was a FILL IN THE GAP. It’s the first time ever that I’ve wanted more questions on photosynthesis. I revised it so much for it to hardly come up. In the same subject, enzymes didn’t appear ont the advanced information at all but came up a lot in (I think) all 3 papers!! The3rd biology paper also had a chemistry topic in that we don’t even cover in biology, which was very surprising to see at the time. .

The last reason I fell let down is the leak of our chemistry paper. More than a week before we sat it, the paper was circulating around so much so that over 5000 students got access to it. There is evidence that AQA was told a week in advance about this leak and it was reported by many people, yet nothing was done about it and we found out after we’d already sat the paper that some people had an unfair advantage and a week to get all the answers they needed.

There’s a couple of things that I can’t get out of my mind that have been in there for weeks. For example, the fact that I didn’t realise it at the time, but all throughout my time at my first secondary I was bullied by different people a lot. Initially it was the girls who I called my friends, who I eventually left the group of because I was treated so incredibly poorly by them. They spent at least 4 months trying to kick me out while I had no other friends to fall back on. Then there was J and A, who took the piss out of me whenever I was with them, whether it be social or because the seating plan had me with them in lesson. Then there was C, who was manipulating me a lot to conform to her and be her mini follower. There was also the drama between T and M that I managed to get in the middle of, and M and MB ganging up on me at times in the middle of it all. At that place I just seemed to be hated by everyone.

It is 00:45 on results day currently so I will sign off here

Thanks all xx 

[hotarutranslations]

Juice=Juice’s Takagi Sayuki “20 Questions 20 Answers” Haro Puro Love Talk!

In 2018, we’re having a celebration of the Hello! Project 20th Anniversary (Hello Love). For the members who belong to Hello! Project, their thoughts on the 20thanniversary activities and enthusiasm for 2018, thoughts of an everyday idol, we had a passionate “20 questions 20 answers” talk~ This time its Juice=Juice’s Takagi Sayuki!!

Takagi Sayuki = Born April 21st 1998, 21 years old. From Chiba. Blood type A.

Q1: Tell us the meaning of your name!

The stroke count was good, wanting me to be blessed with friends and aspirations. That was the kind of meaning they attached.

Q2: What senior do you admire?

There are a lot! I love Tanaka Reina-san (Former Morning Musume). She feels like she is fully herself, she looks strong but thinks of the fans, I respect her for that. It’s like I can’t count how many performances of the seniors I respect but, also Yajima Maimi-san’s (former C-ute) personality. Even when becoming a veteran, I watched her properly stretch and use her voice like no one was around but we were near. In that, I want to become the kind of senior where juniors will think “I want to be reliable like that too” when they think of me.

Q3: Who would you want to be reborn as?

Makino Maria-chan (Morning Musume ’18). Her back is slender and she is cute, when I look at her she has the ideal body type look. It’s like she came out of the world of anime, since she is a really pretty girl that you don’t see, she’s really good.

Q4: What are you the best at in Hello! Project?

I’m really sensitive to heat. Even midwinter I’m hot. In the summer if the air conditioning is working I’m fine but, in winter there’s indoor heating. With that I won’t stay in the dressing room, I’ll go outside where its cold. I really don’t think I can lose in being sensitive to heat.

Q5: Tell us something amazing about Hello! Project!

Continuing for 20 years, is something amazing I think. I think that there are fans that have been supporting since Goto-san was in Morning Musume; if we say Juice=Juice “is doing a Budokan live’, fans of other groups will come to support us. It’s something really encouraging! Therefore I think that Hello! Project is strong, thinking  how we’ve continued, it’s kind of mysterious. Our history is one point I’m happy about.

Q6: Who would you want to be in a special Hello! Project unit with?

I want to sing with Yaguchi Mari-san (former Morning Musume). We get along, and she is affectionate.   I always say “I want to sing (together)” to Yaguchi-san, but Yaguchi-san isn’t really into it. But, it’d be nice to be able to. In order to have us put out that we get along, I’d want to sing a song with a chattering feeling.

Q7: Tell us a Juice=Juice song you like!

“Magic of Love (J=J 2015ver.). I wasn’t originally the type to be praised for singing but, the praise I receive for doing that songs fake has increased. After a live at handshakes, what I’m told a whole lot is “Today’s Magic of Love was good!” and “It had a lasting impression”. It makes me happy, since I gained confidence because of this song. I’m really grateful for it.

Q8: What is a Hello! Project song you like?

I’ve listened to “Happy Summer Wedding” a ton, I sing it from memory at karaoke. I’d like to see the OG-san’s sing it once again!

Q9: What is the difference between current and previous Hello! Project?

The previous Hello! Project has a tough image. Now we of course have a proper seniority relationship but, for me I was in Hello! Project Egg (Hello! Project Kenshuusei), and I thought that I would be talked down to and be bullied (laughs). But everyone is like “its fine to speak casually”. Everyone really gets along, I was surprised like, “Ah, so it’s like this,”. This isn’t only in Hello! Project Eggs, the seniors are also nice. Its misleading in saying it changed from the past, but you can see Yaguchi (Mari)-san and Yoshizawa Hitomi-san getting along on television, I’m happy that it’s not a thing of the past.

Q10: Other than yourself, who do you recommend as an oshi?

Sasaki Rikako-chan (Angerme). I’ve really like Sasaki Rikako-chan from long ago. Her character and face of course, her style is also good; I think she is really cute. She does modeling work; recently she has become really expressive. I can gradually see her evolving at a Harocon! In between that I went to the Angerme Budokan live, at that time Rikako was really sparkling when you looked at her, she really has the feeling of not getting tired from watching her. I also must practice that sort of thing since I’ve recently been trying to put out sex appeal, so I think also must do my best.

Q11: What do you want us to see most from you?

I really like singing but, I have a really extreme personality so I’ll think “I’ll do my best with singing!”, and that’s all I’ll do. It’s not like I can’t see my surroundings but, I have no plans to put my hand in other things, I guess I looked like that? It was my atmosphere when I was in high school. Recently, it’s of course singing but, perhaps there is something that is my specialty, I’ve thought that I could grow challenging  various things. Therefore, like “I suddenly grew here”, I want to work to find those things! I thought I would do my best with drawing; I’ve been doing it carefully. I’ve drawn pictures of the members, I could sell them at live venues attached to the live photos. I get great joy from the drawings, it makes me happy to be told “it looks alike!”. Now I don’t feel like I have to do my best and I’m enjoying drawing, so I also want to try painting.

Q12: What is work you would like to challenge?

A Juice=Juice play has been decided and, I’m really interested in plays since I like them. It was in nursery school when I was originally in a play. I was also praised from the staff-san during the drama “Budokan”. Since it felt like “Eh? Have you done this?”,  I thought “I did perform in something like this” (laughs). I want to challenge it with confidence.

Q13: What do you want us to see most in Juice=Juice?

Thankfully Juice=Juice is praised for their singing often. So, Ruru-chan (Danbara Ruru) and Yana-chan (Yanagawa Nanami), also (Inaba) Manaka-chan have joined, it feels like we’ve leveled up from the original 5 members. From the heart, the performance side has grown; it feels like this when we’re looking at each other, so I want you to see that growth. Also Manaka-chan’s dancing is really cool. Up until now Juice=Juice’s halls and concert have had dance tracks and, we’ve been having a bit of fun with them. Up until now a big thing was “Will it be ok?” but, Manaka-chan has taught us various things and it’s been nice as we’ve been able to level up.

Q14: What will you be doing in 20 years?

Raising children? Probably raising children. But, I want to sing songs. That’s what I’d want to do for work probably. Maybe. (Laughs)

Q15: Since it’s the 20th anniversary, tell us a secret!

While I was talking to my doctor in the examination room, coming out of the room with a rattle was Dave Spector-san! I sent a happy text to my mom.

Q16: What do you want to be able to do after the 20th anniversary?

Recently I’ve begun playing the guitar. Normally I’ll play it and sing at home but, now I’m practicing arpeggios. I want to become really good at it! I want do it like tiroliroliroli~!

Q17: What would you do if you weren’t an idol?

My mom’s a nursery school teacher, and I’ve loved babies and kids from since I was small. In elementary school, I often went to the nursery school wanting to help my mom. I had the dream of “When I’m a grown up I want to be a nursery school teacher”. Since I had a lot of dreams as a kid, I think perhaps I would have become a nursery school teacher; there is a possibility I wouldn’t have studied or anything and would just be fluttering around (laughs).

Q18: What are you most into right now?

I bought a guitar, I’m really having fun playing it at home. It’s not like I’m that good at it though. I was influenced when I went and saw a Kobakuro-san live, I came to want to play more. I’m practicing a lot! Now while playing the guitar, I’ll sing with a super loud voice as stress relief.

Q19: Who do you get along with in Hello! Project? Tell us a recent episode!

There isn’t anyone I really get along with but, since I was in Hello! Project Eggs, I’ve gotten along with and like Nomura Minami-chan (Kobushi Factory). Every time we meet at a Harocon she’ll be like “Takagi-saaann” and she’ll come over for no reason. We’ve talked about wanting to hang out but, it’s been quite inconvenient so we haven’t. Also, the other day went out to eat with Takeuchi Akari-chan and Nakanishi Kana-chan! We talked about each other’s groups, since it was before Angerme went on their world tour, I gave advice likes it’s better to bring your own miso soup. Also I lent Take-chan (Takeuchi Akari) my overseas conversion plug (laughs).

Q20: What is an idol to you?

They’re not idols but from when I was small I liked Kobakuro, I would become energetic going to their lives, whatever bad things there were before I’d say “From tomorrow I’ll do my best!” from seeing the live. Therefore, I also want to have lives like that. It’d be nice if I could convey my feelings of being grateful towards the fans at lives and handshakes. I think there are various adults but, it’d be nice if we could make a space where you can have fun without thinking anything, I’d like to have that kind of presence, that’s what I aim for. Also with blogs as well, if I take care with each one I can properly reply.

https://thetv.jp/news/detail/157648/

[maptoourescape]

Hi I just wanted to say I love your blog and I love the way you display Tom's thoughts and mentality. I wanted to ask what do you think about this whole situation with Tom, is it hard to keep roleplaying him and to reenact his thoughts when he has been acting so unusual lately? Do you think he is happy? Keep up the great work! ^^

INTRO &DISCLAIMERNow what I am going to tell you is obviously just how I see the situationpersonally. This might not be the representation of reality whatsoever, eventhough I’d like to think I’m a good judge of character. I don’t know thesepeople. They are, by all means, strangers to me as I am to them. But I DIDhappen to grow up with them, observe them through years of footage, and seemany of their quirks in real life as well whenever I had a fortunateopportunity. Saying that, I feel like even though their stage personas (orwhatever you might call them) are “built strong” sometimes, you can still peekright through them if you have enough of a “people sense”.Look, most folks probably realize that Tom isn’t all that he gives out to be,but they don’t really think about it all TOO much. And honestly, I don’t either- it just comes naturally for me to psychologically evaluate people. And myevaluation of him is that he is full of unresolved issues.I don’t even mean that in a bad way, I really don’t. I just want all the bestfor him. But let’s just say that seeing how his life was up until now, thereare multiple factors that play out in his current “out of character” behavior. Toa certain extent, I can also relate to him in some regard. Similarly to him forexample, I too use a weird sort of humor to hide behind, almost as though it’smy shield, so none of what I’m saying is said in a judgmental manner. We all haveour own issues after all, and that doesn’t make us any lesser.BUT FIRST THING’S FIRSTTalking about humor, let’s just get straight into it, because we have to startsomewhere… Humor is a stress relief weapon by its poetic definition. In Tom’scase, it isn’t any different – only maybe he takes that a few steps further,still. More than just as a casual thing, his jokes are also being used to takethe edge away from what he considers to be serious and/or emotionally intangiblesituations. Why? Because Tom doesn’t appear to be someone who would like to“show his real self” to people in a situation he can’t properly evaluate,unless he knew for SURE they are to be trusted. In other words – he doesn’twant “the emotion that would be shown from him” to be used as a weapon againsthim later on, especially if he doesn’t know what kind of a reaction to expect from thecounterpart. “If you appear vulnerable, this same vulnerability is going to beused against you” is the mentality here – that’s a lesson of sorts that he’s probably learned how to incorporatein his daily life at a very young age already. So deflecting a lot of shit withhumor is basically an act of protecting himself. Same with his manly-manboasting, and all the confident penis commentary, which many people look at justsuperficially, saying that it’s trashy and/or annoying – even though what itreally turns out to be, in my opinion, is a (not all that uncommon) copingmechanism. So the next thing you’d ask would probably be “but what on earth is he copingwith then?” I guess it would be probably safer to ask what he isn’t coping withat this point, because we’re talking about a bunch of things here, all muddledtogether in one big ball of anxiety. Main things to highlight probably include a)fear of abandonment, b) some art of repressed self-consciousness, c) some weird(intrigue by and a fear having lack of?) dominance issue and etc. all the wayto the last letter of the alphabet.I’d say it all started in childhood with his father leaving and being, as faras we know, generally problematic (because honestly, that fucks us divorceekids all up, and it’s so internalized that we don’t even really realize ituntil it hits us in the face as adults, when we are suddenly facing multipledaddy issues all at once lol). Maybe even beforehand, depends on what sort of anupbringing the twins’ parents decided to give them. Then we have the general yearsof complete hell, also generally known as the school days, full of bullies and nasty youngadults with too much time on their hands. We all know the baseball bat stories –need I go into further detail? Then comes the growing up under the spotlight,of course – the unusual puberty they had to go through, as Gustav so nicely putit in the documentary – and being pushed into a harsh ass business at such ayoung age… just basically dealing with a bunch of stuff that kids usually haveno place dealing with, and maybe learning some lessons that normal people onlyget to really learn in their 20s or 30s. Namely how it is to be working with allthe wrong people, and probably having at least some sort of taste of a betrayalon a professional, working level etc.If there is one thing, one lesson that ties all of these separate life erastogether to make a nice whole, it’s one of how you have to be careful aroundpeople, and how forming trusting relationships isn’t a very simple task,whatsoever. Between parents leaving, peers bullying you, media shitting on youand the industry silently pulling their own strings behind your back – oh, andhave I mentioned stalkers and the literal walls they had to build around theirhouse in order to keep them at bay? which didn’t work anyway because their private space WAS invaded by gross people? – I guess you pretty damn quicklystart losing your naïveté. Or well, if not that, at least your trust in prettymuch anyone that hasn’t been with you since the very, very beginning.And then comes, obviously, the relationship he had with Ria.Now, again, everything I’m saying is based purely on my speculation from mereobservation. I don’t actually know any of the people they associate with either.But the vibe I got from his relationship with Ria was honestly… not that bad inthe beginning. I think that, at least at the start, she was really, really goodfor him. And that he got even more attached to her eventually, because she wasthere when he emotionally needed her most (read: the big move to the USA,stalker problems and lack of motivation to keep being in a band from all thepressure…). I also think that he kind of thought this relationship was really“it”, you know? As years went on though, just as any other relationship, theirsseemed to have become this sort of “routine” as well. And we all know that feeling, don’twe? If not from our own experience, then from some of our friends’ experiencesat least? The feeling when the stomach butterflies die down, and the initialeuphoria just settles into a still?My take on it is that he really, REALLY tried a LOT to make it work, even afterit sort of started “crumbing down” for whatever reason. I feel like he feltsuper comfortable with her BECAUSE they’ve been together for so long. Maybe itbecame a sort of a routine for him too, but it was one he definitely sought toupkeep. Tom didn’t want to let go of her. Because ruining what he had with herwould mean “having to find someone new”. And “having to find someone new” wouldmean “having to open up to someone again” – something that isn’t all that easyfor him to do, for the already before mentioned reasons.Pretty sure we all know about some infidelity speculations being rumored tohave been going down between them as well, especially from her side. Andhonestly, that would explain a thing or two about how his behavior has changedin the time ever since they’ve officially broken up. I obviously do not knowthe specifics, but I’ll be damned if I don’t realize it takes two in order toa) form a relationship, but also b) in order to not fix it if it goes south.Doubtlessly, none of the two was a complete saint. And doubtlessly they bothhave their own character flaws. But though dubious in its legitimacy, hersupposed infidelity really ties well with what’s happening right now, in thismoment. Just think about it… Yet another massive betrayal. Another one of themassive disappointments he experienced along his life’s journey. This onecoming from someone he perhaps even considered to be his (other) life partner.Only now that we got the mere basics down can I finally start bringing upShermine, and the point of this entire conversation anyway: his “change” asbrought up with his dynamic with Heidi. Because I really think that in order toproperly understand why I think this Klum relationship is toxic, you firstneeded my quick review of “the entire story”.BACK TO THE POINT AT HAND NOW I don’t think the Shermine relationship was honestly all that different fromthe one Tom has with Heidi now. I can’t claim to know the reasons why itprobably “didn’t all work out with Sher” (besides the obvious fact that thiswas never a relationship in its full meaning of the word, but rather just whatpeople usually call “an affair”), but it might have been them just beingseparated by where they lived and what not – or maybe also Shermine seeing howmuch of a “child” Tom really was in certain regards. It’s not like she was thisperfect example of maturity either, mind you, having to constantly post hintsabout how she’s together with him and what not, but at the end of the day, Isort of feel she got more tired of HIS bullshit than vice versa. And by “hisbullshit” (again, not meant to be judging) I mean this strange passivity that has been surrounding him recently (examples and explanations coming up). If someone on twitter now points out how “unlikeTom it is to let Heidi post on social media about him,” another person then instantlyyells out saying “why do you care, if he apparently doesn’t care anymoreeither!”And to me, it is exactly THAT that is the concerning factor anyway.People are, in a strange way, right when they shout “Tom doesn’t care aboutbeing public anymore!” but they don’t look deep enough into it to see theproblem behind it. Yes, it’s true – if Tom wouldn’t want to be posted on socialmedia, then his old enough, almost 29 year old ass could’ve just told Heidi to NOTfucking do it. So yeah, you know what? Most probably, he’s NOT stopping her.But him “not being bothered to go against it” doesn’t mean he’s automaticallyokay with it. Those two are not mutually exclusive. What I see in his behavior right now - that is also something that’s seemingly been there forever since he’s been hooking up with Shermine too - is mindlessness, carelessnessand a complete disregard for what he used to stand for in regards to his “morals”.May I note that I can also see he has this sort of complete disregard abouthimself floating around as well? He appears to be very passive, and seems asthough he really just isn’t putting any thought into… well, pretty muchanything he’s doing… like ANYTHING, whatsoever. And yes, I realize that “people can change,” and that Tom too could’ve just aseasily had a spiritual awakening, and was suddenly like “you know what, I’m NOTgonna stress about being on social media that much anymore, and I’m NOT goingto stress about being in the press…”. But the thing is – these sorts of thingsdon’t just happen overnight. Especially not with the life he’s been leading andhow much it’s been fucking him up along the way at times. You don’t go fromwanting complete privacy because of your own very legitimate paranoia, to goingto an Amfar Whatever Gala event in front of millions of press to out yourrelationship, just like he did. You don’t go from avoiding cameras as much ashumanly possible to vacantly stare at a paparazzi’s Canon in the distance inorder to see if it’s getting the right shot of you and your new so calledgirlfriend. This sort of mental change CAN obviously happen. But overtime, and usually– dare I suggest? – with therapy (which we are bringing back up later). By myinterpretation of how he is as a person though, I don’t think this “transition”was something that happened in an exactly healthy way. More than seeing Tom as “careless but happy,” (as people paint him out to be), Iright now see him as being “careless and confused”. Numb, even. Out of placeAnd “out of place” is a phrase to describe him best when it comes to how helooks like as soon as Heidi’s around.VAGUELY EXPLAINED CAMP EXPERIENCE INSERTI’ve been there on this Camp, and the way he reacted to literally everything –people, his surroundings, most everything you can imagine – changed bizarrelyas soon as he knew she was around. It’s almost like he was being nearbypetrified. I have no idea why either. One would think that if you’re datingHeidi Klum, you’d want to show her off or something. Or at least be ascomfortable with her as on (play pretend or not) all those paparazzi photos that keep popping up. Especiallywhen literally NONE of the campers really cared for her presence there, so it wasn’t like he was afraid for her wellbeing or whatever. So no, no psycho had the intention to attack her, literally no one cared, but Tom still just turned into this… anxious little mess?Mind you, when I saw her arrive, my mind was also still open. I was like, “ya knowwhat, all of their other family and friends are being so lovely – Georg’s gf who justjoined in on the activities, and Gustav’s wife too, just supporting her hubbyand speaking to the fans… maybe Heidi’s going to prove everyone wrong and bereally lovely”. But honestly, from the moment she entered the Camping grounds, you couldFEEL the atmosphere drop.Never mind the fact that she was having a stare-down with many fans (includingmyself) for no apparent reason, which I still do not understand… From where Iwas sitting, she was making it very damn obvious she wanted to just “geteveryone’s attention”. Her glares were basically daring us “to go spread theword that she arrived”, and when we wouldn’t care (because surprise surprise,we weren’t there for her, so obviously no one really cared?) she would stare atus even weirder. But as I said, that in itself isn’t all that important. What Ineed to convey is how insanely uncomfortable TOM appeared to be when she wasaround.(As a side note, I also feel like we all kinda expected a huge ass party to godown on the last day of Camp, seeing how on the previous few days, the guyswould kinda leave at latest 2 in the morning – which made sense, becauseeveryone knew they were gonna have responsibilities the next day. But literallynothing was planned for Monday morning, and I felt like everyone was superpumped about the guys finally having an opportunity to party with us reallylong and really proper. Only, you know, that never really happened. And I daresay it was mainly because of Klum.)I digress, at some point of the evening after the firework finale, the twins actually came tothe counter in order to hang out with people (after they’ve left to refresh first, leaving people confused as to if they were even returning), and I thought “Yay, maybe they’ve actually joined us again to party like everyone kinda expected, so that’s great!”. But no suchluck. It was there exactly - at the counter - where the difference of how Tomis without her around VS when she IS around became so prominent. Only a nightearlier, the guys would stay behind the counter for AGES, just interacting,taking pictures, drinking, having a good time… on Sunday, they weren’t therefor even 10 minutes, before leaving towards a backstage area of sorts. I sawher being at the counter for a while as well, with literally no one botheringher whatsoever, but she eventually disappeared, initially making me think “Oh, maybeshe’ll just mingle with people, go chat up Georg’s GF or something… maybe thisevening is actually gonna be bomb!”. But her leaving simply resulted in Tom REPEATEDLYpressing Bill into “going to the backstage area”.Tom looked NOTHING like the night before. He was TRYING to interact with somefans, but was mostly just looking really out of place. It happened on at least3 separate occasions in those short ten minutes, that he would poke Bill atevery opportunity he got, just to press him into going to the stage area. Hekept on elbowing Bill whenever the other would turn around to get somethingfrom the fridge, pointing to the stage, looking vaguely lost, not really payingproper attention to his surroundings. Bill was visibly giving hints that he “wantedto just stay for a while longer,” even going as far as showing Tom his drink asthough he were to say “lemme at least finish this first?” until Tom eventuallyprevailed and they actually decided to move to where she was – to the infamousbackstage area. Again, I thought that maybe they had plans on going on stage to the DJs again(seeing how they did that on the nights before), maybe give one last propergoodbye to people before mingling in the crowd some further. But that neverhappened. Honestly, thinking back on it, it was kind of bizarre to think theyjust huddled up in the little space behind the stage. They wouldn’t even pull acurtain to have some sort of privacy – if you went behind the stage, you couldliterally just see them interact there, being all secluded from the rest of thepeople. More secluded than on the previous day when it was raining cats anddogs but they STILL made the effort to just hang around with all of us! The situation lefta bitter taste in my mouth, because at that point I KNEW that if she wasn’tthere, the party would have been so insanely different, so insanely cool. Ifelt bad for Bill, who was just longingly looking onto the stage, taking videosof it – he gave off the vibe that we wanted to go party, but (for some bizarrereason) “couldn’t”. It felt as though hedecided he would rather stick to the out-of-place-looking Tom, which Ihonestly, at the end of the day, can’t really blame him for.Not even half an hour later, the golf carts arrived to pick them up, and that washonestly so strange to observe too. Not even once in the whole entire weekend did Ihave a feeling of them rushing anywhere. Whenever the boys would arrive orleave with the carts, whenever they’d change locations, they would always honkand scream around, letting everyone know what they were up to, shooting people with water pistols if in range even. But suddenly then, the golf cart had topark backwards towards the stage in order for them to “have a clear and quickstart”. There was no honking, no proper goodbyes we were used to from theearlier days. They just kinda… drove off. And I know for a damn FACT that itwouldn’t have been like that if it wouldn’t be for her. I wish this would just be me – that this would just be a plot of my own damnimagination. Because I WISH she wasn’t a cunt, for Tom’s sake obviously. But Ihave talked to a bunch of people, and they have all had their separateexperiences, most of which only furthermore confirmed how I see the situation. Factsare these: 1. Heidi was there for the obvious reason of getting our (thefans’), as well as the media’s attention. 2. She was acting all high andmighty, as well as really possessive (even jealous at some moments, which is sosuper bizarre to think about), and it wasn’t a good look. 3. And I don’t knowwhy EXACTLY, but as soon as she was around, Tom ALWAYS sort of froze on spot.Look, I don’t know, maybe he’s just intrigued by that sort of dynamic and getsoff on it, and just doesn’t want to publically admit that he “likes herdemanding demeanor”. But yo, even if that was the case – at the end of the day thatdoesn’t make the whole relationship any less toxic. OKAY, TO THE CORE NOWShe has subtle manipulation tactics down to the T. I can tell, because I knowhow to use those in my advantage as well. And you’ve probably had this happento you too, mostly without even realizing it. It comes to the surface in a waywhere some parents make their kids feel bad for “not cleaning up the dishes”for example. Instead of demanding “it gets done because otherwise they’ll beconsequences”, some choose the more toxic approach of emotional manipulation,saying things like “don’t worry, it’s fine, what’s another hour more to my nineto five working schedule anyway?” It’s in the way that one friend of yours says“oh okay” without a smiley face when you cancel on going out with them. It’swhen something comes out of people’s mouths, and the meaning is dubious.Something that is meant to make you walk the line between “but is it reallyokay?” and “I feel uncomfortable that you feel uncomfortable, so let me help”.  Her entire presence just screams that demeanor,and I don’t doubt I’m right in this. She probably even pulled something like that in that counter scenario I was talking about too, going like “oh you go hang out with fans, I’ll just be there… having my drink…” The question now remains if Tom is oblivious to these attitudes or not.Honestly, both yes and no seem like a legitimate answer to me in this case.Neither of the twins seem to really be capable of a good “evaluation” when itcomes to perception in regards to human character. They’re not short inadmitting that themselves either, and said it numerous times that this is whysongs like “Never let you down” happened to exist in the first place. But italso makes sense if we again tie it with the fact that they had a puberty muchunlike ours is. Meeting people was always sort of arranged in their world, so gettingto know someone spontaneously isn’t really an experience that’s been followingthem ever since they were socially capable of “making their own friends”. Can’tsay that that’s a concept that’s completely alien to them, having lived in theUSA for so long now and what not, but we also can’t say they have as many experiences withit as someone who had a “normal lifestyle” either.I’d say Tom is intelligent enough to realize what’s going on, but simply toonumb to do anything about it. What’s more, maybe he even enjoys this sort ofdynamic.“But why,” you might ask “would anyone enjoy this sort of manipulative dynamic?”Honestly, I feel what he likes about it is that someone’s taking away hisresponsibilities to himself. It basically feels as though you’re giving the reins to your insides into the possession of someone else - someone who you feel can makethe most out of them when you obviously couldn’t. And even if they couldn’t exactly “makethe best out of it” – Tom’s been steering himself for too long, only torepeatedly be faced with complete disappointment on the roads he’s taken. It’snot like he cares what happens anymore, as long as he gets to feel at leastsomewhat at peace. So why not let someone else “take his life into their ownhands”? Why not be the follower of someone who seems to not be bothered by literallyeverything he usually stands against? Someone who seemingly had more luck inlearning about how to cope with this reality that is “being famous and beingshat on”.My conclusion drawn from what I’ve experienced and heard is that she “keeps himon a short leash,” while simultaneously trying to boost her own importance andego as they go. From what I see, he is being very much so infatuated with her,but I wouldn’t dare calling that love by any means. Yet another heated affair,if anything. I think he really lost himself along the way of people fucking himup in his life (especially since the breakup he had with Ria), so he isn’treally thinking straight anymore at all. He’s just going with the flow, doingwhatever the fuck he wants to, fucking whoever the fuck he wants to, and hasthis little rebellious side of him tell him to “fuck the rest”.Which WOULD be a good thing – fuck the haters, imma do my thing and stuff… Onlyif he wouldn’t be doing it out of all the wrong reasons. Namely what seems tobe a desperate attempt and need to just “change himself for the better” because“he isn’t a weak ass motherfucker”.I feel like he has quite some problems with the concept of vulnerability. He has this sort of a persona built up which he strives to be, but really isn’t– basically a sort of an alpha male persona – and right now, he’s probably sofar off in his head, that he just wants to desperately fit this picture perfectimage of himself, no matter how many broken pieces are waiting for him to berepaired on the inside. He wants to prove that “he’s better and stronger” tohimself, as well as to everyone around him. He’s ignoring his issues, pushingthem aside, thinking that “ignoring” his problems is better than to face them,“because after all, facing them only ever brought him pain and anguish anyway”…But holdingthings inside like that, suppressing all the negatives by all means necessary…I think most people realize how bad this can get – a person turning into aliving ticking time bomb that can be triggered into an explosion at any time. Hemight be feeling happy now, in this moment of bliss he’s created for himself,just ignoring everything that’s been eating away at him from the inside, neverletting it surface. But you can only keep your demons at bay for so long,before they come haunting you again, with even more vigor.Prolonging the inevitable in this way is pretty much the most horrible idea onthe long run you can have. But Tom isn’t thinking on the long run. He’s thinking “peaceof mind, now, or I’m gonna lose it”.I don’t know what it is that triggered this “obsession to be okay”. Maybe hewants to be spiteful to Ria. Maybe he wants to prove to her “how much betteroff he can be without her” and “what a changed and open man he has become”.Maybe it’s not even Ria. Maybe he just can’t deal with being without SOME sortof a sexual partner, because it makes him feel like a failure. Maybe he cravesa sort of intimacy he used to have, but is now gone, so he fills his time withwhat he thinks is “second best”. Who knows. It could be a number of things, andmany more than I can probably never even think of.At the end of the line, my personal perception of what he’s doing is that it’s –and I’ve repeated myself in this wordall too many times now – toxic. No matter the reason why he’s doing it. I thinkhe would be better off alone for a while, and, if not getting therapy, at leastletting himself have some breathing space, and just give himself a second toheal from whatever is gnawling at him. Heal from whatever seems to be “pushinghim” from the inside to be this perfect ideal self he so desperately seems towant to be. AND BEFORE I FINISHLet us just quickly dive into this one last important element of this dynamic –namely where Bill comes in, and how it all comes together at the end of the day. If we assume I am at least vaguely correct in my interpretationof things, it’s obvious that there’s no way in hell that Bill would be blind to somethingnot being entirely as it “should be” with Tom. Clearly if even we as fans can perceiveTom as being out of character, how on earth would then his twin miss it?Doubtlessly, no matter the partnership any of the two had/have with anotherperson, it will always affect BOTH twins in one way or another.So how do we explain this undying enthusiasm Bill seems to be sprouting everytime Heidi posts yet another picture of Tom on her social media.Well, there’s a few rough possibilities I see here.1. First would of course be realizing that social media is meant to feed uscontent that isn’t always the exact representation of how the reality is. Whoknows if Bill’s endless heart emojis really are as heartfelt as we imagine themto be in the first place. But I digress. I sincerely think Bill’s not fakinghis enthusiasm. Most of all because his idolizing when it comes to Heidi reallyseems to know no bounds. Which leads me straight into the more possible optionnumber two.

2. Billsort of admiring and romanticizing the relationship Tom and Heidi have – to thepoint where he thinks Tom feeling out of place is just sort of his imagination…Because “how in the world could this picture perfect scenario ever be hidingsomething less than PERFECT”. Bill is like that – the romanticizing idealist.And I bet he has this one picture in his head of how Heidi is, and doesn’tstray from it, even if there’s weird signs that she might not be all heimagines, and no matter what other people might suggest in order to persuadehim. Stubborn. The twins are so. Damn. Stubborn.3. What I imagine most – or well, wish to imagine, hoping that Bill isn’t toolost in his ideals in regards to Heidi – is that Bill actually tried talking toTom about what’s wrong, but Tom refusing to tell him, continuously saying that“all is fine” as he probably does so many times with his manly-manpersona up. And then Bill letting it slide, just being as happy as possible forhim, even though he knows something’s up. Because what else is he to do anyway?STUBBORN, REMEMBER?

Whatever itmight be – at the end of the day it’s really sort of exhausting how the twinsjust give each other concession over and over again. Recently, an old interviewresurfaced where they talked about how “they don’t need therapy, because theyhave each other”. Well, with both of them so stubborn and both of them so damnproud, with both of them being unable to take a sincere word of advice as anythingbut a personal attack… Of course they prefer each other over someone else withperspective. Because a therapist would not massage their egos as they do to oneanother. A therapist wouldn’t let them drown in pity and join in on their spitelike it’s their own. Because that wouldn’t resolve anything.Relying solely on someone that is also really similarly fucked up might makeyou not feel alone, but it sure as hell won’t drag you out of shit. They’re eachother’s excuse, constantly, probably unknowingly only dragging each other downwhen it’s really bad. Instead of telling the other “no, you need to dosomething about yourself, you’ve been down in the gutter for too long”they probably just go “yes, that person did a horrible thing, and I’llcontinue hate them with you while we wallow in our joined self-pity”. Whatthey would need is to challenge each other more, and not just give one anothermore silent vigor to just stay miserable…OUTROBut, hey, this is where I stop babbling, even though I feel I didn’t evenremotely scrape the surface, or tell everything that’s been building up insideme lately.I’ve been debating with myself if I should really go into such excruciating detailregarding my thoughts on Tom – mostly because I don’t think traumas ofdescribed sort are something to discuss online in such a manner, no matter if true or not. In a way, Ifeel protective, because the mere potential of my thoughts being correct gives me a nasty feeling of this being a text of “exposure”. Butthen again, the internet is getting too loud with their weakly argumentedopinions, and people don’t seem to take in account that this human being hasbeen through shit a lot of us can’t even remotely imagine. So I settled foreducation. I wanted to maybe build perspective for someone who hasn’t beenthinking about this all too much.I mean at the end of the day, worst case scenario is that I’m right, but that I’vestill built some sort of perspective for people who think that “Tom’s just a fuckboi”.And best case scenario is that I’m simply overthinking everything anyway, andthat he IS actually just simply happy. In which case, ya know, I’m really,truly happy for him.At the end of the day, that’s exactly what I want, and this is exactly why Iover think it – because I want nothing but the best for all four of these idiots (as said lovingly, of course). So to finally answer your very prevailing question:Do I think Tom’s happy?Solely superficially. Really, properly happy? Alas, I doubt it.Do I want to be wrong?Abso-fucking-lutely.Thank youfor your time, if you by chance came back to find my ass finally thinking of a proper response. It really has been a long time coming.Love,Tina

[logicalstansadvice]

For the past year I have dreams about Sebastian having a younger brother, who resembles him physically, but only remotely, like the jaw and mouth slightly and that is it. And the dreams are weird as fuck. Most have to do with his brother trying to take over the world as sort of an evil emperor and me being involved in his plans, sometimes willingly, sometimes forced. They are super weird and I felt the need to share here since I recently got tumblr and found this blog and you all seem to be nice and talk about various subjects.

What do you think the dreams mean? And why aren't they stopping I wonder? I have them about twice a week for almost a year now.

In my dreams his brother doesn't even look like Seb, so I don't understand why I made this persona up in my subconscious. He's like taller than him and diff body construction, has brown eyes and brown curly hair. I'm not even attracted to him. And I just know he is Seb's brother every time. So why would my subconscious make up this non existent brother of his, if he doesn't actually look like the person I desire - Seb? And Seb never appeared in any of these dreams. So that is why it is so strange to me. Plus, I don't think he even has a brother, I never saw him post anything about siblings. What do you guys think?

From our resident astrologer & dream interpreter, HiDrama:

Anon - What’s wrong with brown eyes and curly hair, yo? *Bats Falselashes* Not sure you're being serious or not. But I’ll play - and TRY to be brief as I can 😂

Significant things:

Emperor = Male Energy, teacher/ruler/family member

YOUNGER brother = Male energy again. Not a sister or parent etc. And Younger, Seb would be the guide/wiser person

Mouth/Jaw area= Communication

Persona= Various masks we wear

(sidenote: Male and female symbolism is not a judgement on sexual orientation or preferred gender roles.)

FIRST: Ask yourself how you feel about the people/elements in the dream? How do you feel about Seb, brothers, Emperors, the Setting, etc. and be honest with yourself.

Like the Ole Boy in the Emperor’s New Clothes story - Emperors get their way and no one opposes them. No one dared to say he was actually naked because he had the power: If this was a one-time dream I would say: Maybe there is something about Seb you dislike/side-eying him about? And you have not resolved that with what you do find attractive about him? That he’s wearing a persona: not showing his real self?

Mouth/Jaw would symbolize it may have to do with his communication: Something you wish he had not said OR Something you wish he would say. Or you question his communication skills (interview/social media, etc.) overall. Maybe you consider it childish? There’s this little brother tyrant you are dealing with and he’s not helping! Seb come get’cha lil bro, bruh!

But this is a reoccurring dream: Something ongoing or unresolved. 2x a week for almost a year??!! Your Sub-C is persistently DMing you and you ghosting ‘em. Deal with it and they may stop. They need closure.

2: My personal fav Dream analyzing method: See your dreams as a Movie. A movie you (you & your sub-c) created. Realize you are the writer, director, producer, star, etc. You are a triple-threat, going for Oscar gold.

The Sub-C collects things as you go through your days and files things away (think of that “What’s my Name”/Fancy Restaurant episode from Spongebob!!). Things you are not aware of, or haven’t examined. All is filed away and make-up your nighttime Screenplay.

⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️: Do you know a taskmaster person in your life? Someone selfish or unforgiving? Are you not feeling fully in control of the situation? One where you’re not even getting the benefits out of it? Do you need more empathy and grace?

Seb not appearing is very interesting. There’s a poor simile in his place getting on your last nerve. Seb in Real Life is attractive to you, giving you happy feelings. He is a relief from the normal boring/stressful day to day stuff. Him not appearing is like a lack of relief from the unwelcome situation. You may have to face whatever it is. Allegedly. Hope this helps (and not in the passive aggressive business-email language folks use at work!!)

[shesavalkyrie-blog]

hello hello, my name is ashley and i am so excited for this. sorry i’m late to the party but a quick one two three about me is that i just started watching the walking dead two days ago ( bc of this rp tbh!! ), i will tirelessly promote mamma mia!: here we go again ( out july 20th... be there ), and i’m currently reading wishful drinking by carrie fisher. down below is a little snip it about my girl xena if you’d like to check it out. sorry it’s kind of a mess but i’m really excited about her. i am so open to plotting or just talking so feel free to send me a dm. p.s. if the apostraphes are turning into crazy code im really sorry i have no idea how to fix it and it doesn’t look like that when i’m editing the post : ( clicking read more & looking at it on my blog seems to work better 

*・°☆━━ congratulations! you’re officially logged on as XENA RIAN! you have chosen your avatar to look just like DANIELLE CAMPBELL and they are TWENTY - THREE years old. their main skill is SURVIVALIST! you have given them the traits +STRATEGIC along with being -STRONG WILLED! well done! you have chosen them to be known as the VALKYRIE of infected! is this information correct? you will arrive to the world of infected shortly! please wait! trigger warnings!! death, car crash, heart attack, depression, anxiety

R E A L      L I F E / finley hannigan was born in seattle, wa where she grew up and lived until she was eighteen years old. after graduating high school finley moved out to los angeles, california to continue her education in college / in college finley is studying writing & producing for television. she would love to work in the realm of being a screenwriter, showrunner, and maybe a producer or director one day / growing up finley didn’t necessarily have a typical childhood. it wasn’t necessarily completely unusual and she was sure somewhere out there could relate on some extent, she just hadn’t met those people yet. when fin was ten years old her mother and her were driving and a car bashed right into the driver side door. her mother and her were both taken urgently to the hospital. her mother, who was driving, faced more serious injuries, where fin had a a cut on the top right of her forehead, and a busted lip. she was more so mentally traumatized than physically. upon her dad’s arrival to the hospital, her mother died only minutes later. she’d lost too much blood. in her dad’s shock, he faced a heart attack. he was able to get stable before suffering another, dying just hours after finley lost her mom. / she moved in with her grandma, who had lost her own husband a few years prior. from then on it was the two of them. her grandmother meant everything to finley. growing up her grandmother always called her ‘ xena ‘, for she always told her that she was a warrior princess. in finley’s edgy phase, she claimed she wanted to be a king - because according to the patriarchy, they had the power: so her nickname changed to ‘ rian ‘, which means king. over time the two names became interchangeable with her real name, and often times she responded better to those than her own. / when finley was nineteen, her grandmother passed away. her will? funds for college and her house to xena. so she lived on her own. her already independent nature amplified and she learned to take care of herself. she prefers not to rely too much on people. she’d had far too little luck with people sticking around. / despite her own family struggles and learning to cope with both depression and anxiety, the girl continued to have a kind heart. despite her occasional depressive episode, she remains compassionate, thoughtful, witty, and extremely determined. / finley began playing infected as a form of gathering information for a new screeplay. as anticipated, apocalypse themed . she wanted to make sure she had as close as possible an understanding of the scenery, the experience, what you needed to figure out, but most of all the feeling. I N    T H E     G A M E / finley’s gamer tag? xena rian. those nicknames had to be put to use - thanks grandma!! / she entered the game with a couple friends. they were going to help her with notes about their own experience so she could try and get some different perspectives for her screenplay. except they didn’t always go in together. when the game became real - she had no idea where they were. other than that she knew one of them was online / naturally, xena became a survivalist. that’s what she’s been all her life - it seemed rather fitting. / she’s yet to come across many people and not opposed to being in a group, but the few small groups she had come upon didn’t want a ‘girl to slow them down’ or were honestly just being stupid. little did they know of her specializing as a survivalist, having a very good general skill set, not to mention her sub-skills of a medic & an assasin. W A N T E D     C O N N E C T I O N S / her friend who was logged on to help finley w/ her script. of course it was fun for all of them, and that was certainly just an excuse to play the game more, finley puts quite a bit of blame on herself. this relationship can have varying backgrounds that we can definitely come up with together!! i’m super open haha - i think it would be cool if this was someone who it took a bit for her to find ... if she ever does / the team: a group of people ( maybe a group of survivalists? ) that band together and realize that a small group isn’t so bad. they form a very family-like relationship: extremely protective over one another, provide relief, but of course squabbling & dumb fights from stress, the ability to make each other laugh like no other. this would all of course be built up over time!! / “hi i saved your ass, see you later”: someone that she saved from getting infected but he split off from pretty soon after when she got them back to their group. they could maybe run into each other later and have some sort of a relationship form off of that? / we’re constantly bickering can you please shut up but also i kind of like you / someone from her school: they might not know one another, but they see each other and whether or not they decide to stay together, they feel a bit better having someone to remind them of home / i’m honestly so open to anything so please feel free to send me a message if you have any ideas!! i would absolutely love to plot with any and all of you

[thepandemicinterviews]

Nicki, August 5 2020, Sydney

Reaching August, the end of winter, has made the ongoingness of this pandemic brutally real. Spring is when everything should return, we said – dancing bodies in small outfits, relief, respite. But we cloister in our masks and harbour a new kind of anxiety, different in texture to the anxiety of discovery and disbelief that marked the beginning of autumn. We know what we will read on the news now before clicking. We understand all too well how to use QR codes upon entering restaurants. The anxiety of wearing a mask versus not wearing a mask weighs upon us (in Sydney). It’s here and it’s not (the virus). It doesn’t feel like summer will ever arrive, and I don’t know if I want it to.

Most days I google “NSW new cases”, if I’m not refreshing the Guardian live blog every hour, which I do when I’m at work (shout-out to Amy Remeikis for making me laugh – although these days there’s less and less to laugh about). Nine new cases today! A single digit. Yet, there is no happiness here, because we know more so than ever that there is a new number each day. We wait. We joke about going into lockdown again. We continue living our half-lives, waving our hands under hand sanitiser dispensers.

But there is a levity in having reached this point. We’ve lived through so much already, nothing is that unexpected now, right?

I am writing this a week later on the train, comfortable in the warmth of my thick black mask, surprised at this newfound comfort.

Nicki, my long-time friend, has had a pandemic experience full of stops and starts. She allowed the emptiness of losing work in the film industry to be filled with two new “normal” jobs, with a new house, and with the understanding of what taking a break from reality could offer her. Today she began work on a television show – a return to the expected trajectory in some respects. Sitting in her new backyard, sipping Grand Marnier, we discussed the blank slate that Covid has brought (gifted?) to our lives, the Black Lives Matter protests, and the anxious new normal.

C: Hi Nicki. Thinking about the whole pandemic experience you’ve had as a whole, are there any clear time markers for you?

N: I think it depends how many you want to go with. I think there’s the time that I was aware that it was a thing, but I wasn’t concerned at all. This is before anything in Sydney was shut down or anything. And then being on set while things were shutting down, and every few hours having a meeting and people being like, these are new rules that we have to bring in. It was very chaotic. I mean, I had everything cancelled. I had my upcoming jobs cancelled, I broke up with my at-the-time boyfriend, I had all my social events cancelled in the span of two weeks. And then there was this period where I was just applying for jobs.

C: Regular jobs.

N: Yeah, regular jobs! Not like my fun wild freelance lifestyle before that. I had to revamp my CV that I hadn’t touched since like 2017. Realised that I’d spent a year working towards something that was very difficult to market in any other industry except for the one I was working in. But it’s fine, because I was very lucky and got many job offers, which I feel weird talking about. But I feel like it would be dishonest not to.

C: I also played up the “I have three jobs” thing during the height of the pandemic. I no longer have three jobs but it was fun to say, as a like, what the fuck.

N: No, there definitely is like a fun energy to it, and you feel very accomplished in some ways, I think.

C: How did it feel going from not doing much to working so much all of a sudden?

N: Oh, fantastic. It was exactly what I needed. Especially as I’d had a really quiet start of the year as well. Which is sort of why it pushed me into gear – I spent like a whole week making my CV better and learning how to interview. And then I just applied to a bunch of jobs. It felt very different but it felt very good. It was what I wanted and needed. It’s really shit, the idea that the self-confidence and the self-worth that you get from going to work.

C: Yeah, productivity has been a big thing to think about. What gets deemed productive, what a productive day looks like.

N: Yeah, I don’t know, it’s sort of weird. I feel like everyone’s having to face what I had to face when I decided to go freelance and I had my really down periods and I sort of had to learn how to give myself some structure. And I had times where I was at home for ages without work. I had times where I had to motivate myself to do work, like reaching out to people, stuff like that. I sort of felt understood in a way that I hadn’t really felt. Which, I don’t know, it’s so awful. Like I would prefer there not to be a pandemic, obviously. But very personally, I feel like I’m someone who has gained a lot from it.

C: I think a lot of people have gained a lot from it. And I think we can acknowledge that it’s a terrible thing but still see how it’s helped us. Because I think it does help a lot of people to have that period where they’re no longer just rushing around, doing things to fill their time.

N: Totally. Yeah, that was something that I appreciated so much. Just being like, it’s okay, there’s no film jobs going at the moment, I can get a normal job. I don’t have to feel bad, I don’t have to feel like I’m letting my dream go or something. I can just do this, be normal for a bit, not have to stress. And it was so good, it was such a break. It was great. I am happy to be back now as well though.

C: It kind of feels like it’s come full circle for you, now that you’re back working on film things, and having to stop working at your normal jobs. Is it scary knowing how precarious the film industry can be?

N: It is. I have an upcoming big job that I might get. I feel like accepting it is such a stupid decision – like I have the most reliable job. At least one of my three jobs is like the most reliable job, and to think we could go the way of Victoria. But what I’ve heard is that film productions are continuing, even in Victoria. So hopefully it turns out good. If it does, that’ll be great. If it doesn’t, I mean I think I’m still making the right decision, because it’s one of those things you have to do. I still haven’t quit my other jobs, I’m a bit scared to. Maybe I’ll do it a week out.

C: Thinking back to when it was peak lockdown in Sydney. I feel like for me, it was such a vague period and it kind of stopped quite slowly. Like it didn’t have a very hard end-point, it kind of just was like, okay, people are out again. But thinking back to when it was really quiet on the streets, how did you feel during that period?

N: Honestly, sort of relieved. It was nice, like you were saying before to have the world slow down for a bit. Everything just felt quite, for me, easy for a bit. Because I was already used to having these periods where I didn’t have structure. And it seemed like cases weren’t that bad in NSW as well. I’m sure if it was, like, crazy numbers, it would have maybe felt a bit different. Definitely there’s been a lot of uncertainty and discomfort with that. Which I guess I’m probably not talking about as much because I’m so used to it. I don’t want to say taken for granted, because it’s not a good thing, it’s a bad thing, but I accept it.

C: It being?

N: Just uncertainty. Too much uncertainty. Like nothing feels permanent in any sort of way. And I feel like that’s already something that existed beforehand. Like more so for our generation than any generation before it. Even more so at the moment, like that’s just gone into overdrive.

C: I feel like it went into overdrive for me when all the Black Lives Matter stuff was happening as well. It felt like the world was compounding.

N: It was a lot going on at once. But I think for me at least, this whole period has just been too many things going on. Like I don’t really understand how life is continuing [laughs]. I feel like I need to write it all down because I’m going to forget, it’s too much.

C: Well this will be something to keep.

N: Truly. Yeah, that was just weird in general. Because my mum does a lot with that sort of stuff and it’s something that’s been very present in my family. But then for it to get big attention was good, but then there’s also the danger of the rally, and being scared about things…

C: Yeah. So much of the blaming has been towards those protests, which, you know, is probably misplaced outrage. Do you have any thoughts about it, having been at the protests?

N: Yeah, I mean I’ve got very strong thoughts. It just makes me very angry when people are throwing blame around at that. I was at a much more recent protest at the Domain where everyone was very much distanced. Everyone was wearing masks. The people that weren’t distanced were the cops. And then, this more recent one that was shut down, even though it was going to be in a very large area, face masks would have been available to everyone. Like I truly trust that everyone would’ve been distanced at that. You know, it just makes me so upset thinking that all these people are using – like, why are they getting upset at this when shopping centres are open, sport’s open, like community sport happens. Working in my retail job, like I have people come up in my face and I can feel their breath on my face and I have to step back and ask them to step back. And it’s like, this is all okay? It just upsets me because it feels really transparent.

C: And in any other context they wouldn’t be able to openly criticise protests in that way, but it’s very easy to do at the moment.

N: Well it’s like, where are all these people who usually get upset about your own personal liberties. Why are they upset about this, I wonder. But then part of me is like, am I missing something? Like is there something I’m not understanding, because it feels so obvious. But I think, people just don’t think about it and probably don’t really understand the depths of it. Also, this is something I’d been thinking about recently. Listening to how there’s this whole thing about people saying to Black women, “Oh, you’re so strong.” When they get saddled with a lot of stuff, rather than actually helping them. And I think, for me personally, I sort of just took it for granted for a long time that, you know, Indigenous people in Australia get fucked over. And that’s how it is, and it sucks, but that’s how it is. And it’s like, oh, it doesn’t actually have to be like that, and it’s on us to fix it. I don’t know how effective protests actually are though, anyway.

C: I mean they definitely get people talking, which is like step one of anything.

N: Yeah. I mean, I would hope so. I think the idea of caring about it is being more normalised, which I think is good.

C: In terms of practical change, it’s hard to say.

N: Well there’s been a lot of funding going towards the families, which they can and will use to escalate it in the actual justice system. I think there have been really good strong things that have come out of it. And hopefully it continues. Who knows, though.

C: Going back to Covid, how do you feel about all of the restrictions on your life currently – I mean, not so much right now, but before when it was more limiting?

N: I think I was well-equipped to deal with it. It was probably a lot less jarring for me, because I was used to having this time off, by myself, and having to give structure to my days, and I also had something to do. Like I decided I was going to fix my resume, and I decided I was going to apply for jobs, so that was my goal each day. It was a bit scary for a bit when I thought I wouldn’t be eligible for JobSeeker or JobKeeper or any of that. But it was okay as well, because I was living at home, I didn’t have any expenses. That’s the thing – like I’ve never throughout this entire process been in danger of anything, really. I was definitely one of the people at the start that was like, we should do a hard lockdown like New Zealand, just get rid of it, and then we’ll be fine. And I was really impressed by how it was handled, to be honest. Even though there were obviously major issues. I had a close friend who was one of the first people to be in a quarantine hotel, and that just seemed so badly disorganised, at least at the start. And actively, really harmful for some people. Personally, the idea of not being able to go outside, being in a small room for two weeks, by myself, sounds just so bad. So bad.

C: My cousin’s currently in it. I think she’s well-equipped to deal with it, though. She’s been doing fun makeup looks and curling her hair.

N: I mean she said she was looking forward to it, right? Like I would never have that thought.

C: Apparently they have very good food over in China, though.

N: It’s not that, it’s not going outside, having no physical contact with anyone for two weeks. Like maybe if I had a pet with me, it would be okay.

C: I think I’d be more afraid to be with one other person for two weeks in a room, than by myself.

N: I think I might prefer to be with someone else, and I guess this is where we differ.

C: Who would you have?

N: I don’t know.

C: If you had to choose someone right now.

N: No, I couldn’t do that. Definitely not in a public conversation. I don’t know. Maybe my pet. Maybe Bruno. He’ll never get on my nerves. I don’t know, I think I’m someone who gets less upset with other people, finds people less annoying than…

C: Than me [laughs].

N: What was even the question? Oh, the restrictions! Yeah, I don’t know, I was definitely going for like hour-long walks, or semi-runs every day. I’ll run for a bit, walk for a bit, call someone. You know, went for socially distanced walks which I was like, technically this is fine, but this is also very against – this isn’t the right thing to do, I felt a bit bad about it. I do think though, it’s just my approach in general, but you need to be calculated about how you’re approaching the restrictions. Like, it was very important to me to research early on about how the virus spread and what was risky and what wasn’t, so I could understand that, so I could go, okay, I think a socially distanced walk is fine, really. For what it would do for my mental health and helping me uphold other parts of the lockdown. You know, I’d rather go for a socially distanced walk every few days than go to Woolies every day because I need to get out of the house and I need to see other people because I’m going insane. Which I think were some people’s approaches. I was working at Bunnings at the time, that store was packed.

C: I remember walking down King Street and going to Sydney Park and it was so packed, unlike anything I’d ever seen before.

N: Definitely.

C: But there was a period when I went to Broadway one time to get something I thought was quite essential. It was for work. But it was completely empty, and I was like, okay, this is good. I don’t think it’s going to get too bad here. People are staying home. But it seemed like all of a sudden, as soon as things did get better Covid-wise, like case-wise, everyone was back in the shopping centres.

N: I do have hope though. In Sydney, so many people are wearing masks voluntarily now. Me and my housemates were talking about, like, doing dinner, and one of us was like, I don’t think we should really go to pubs at the moment. Like all of us were on the same level with it. I don’t know how across the board it is, whether that’s just my own little bubble that’s like that. But I don’t know, I see a lot of face masks out. I think people are trying to adapt. Unfortunately, we do have Victoria as a…

C: Example?

N: Yeah. I don’t want to presume how New South Wales is going to go. Who knows.

C: I think having that so close by and knowing how quickly it can spread does help us a lot going forward.

N: Yeah. I think there’d be a lot of people who would criticise people for caring about Covid restrictions. I’ve definitely found this time around, customers coming into the store are so much more respectful of distancing, and they’re all wearing masks. So few people wore masks before. So I think people are more accepting of it now, I guess. I would’ve never expected Australians to adopt mask wearing. Even myself, I would’ve never expected myself to, but here we are.

C: I’d say about 60% of people at Woolies were wearing masks today.

N: There you go. This is Newtown though, we’re all self-righteous.

C: How do you feel about it being August now? We’re so far through the year.

N: Oh, it’s insane. It’s crazy. I can’t believe it. I swear this year just started, like what happened? It’s fucked up.

C: What do you miss the most about normal life?

N: Not wearing a mask.

C: True.

N: I think just the constant anxiety. You know, for a while I was like, okay, we’re out of the woods, this is great. But I’m very much someone that likes to plan things and have a set approach. I don’t have to stick to the approach, I can change it. It’s very meta to reference another interview, but Mikki’s interview, like where you were talking about how each decision is contingent on the outcome of everything else. Like, you can’t plan, there’s just a whole web of things. Normally, you can plan a little bit, but at the moment I just feel like you can’t. Maybe I’ll get this TV show and I’ll be on it, and then three weeks in, it’ll be shut down. I would’ve lost my two reliable jobs. I mean, I’ve already decided that that’s the decision I have to make, so hopefully it’s worth it.

C: I think it always is. Flinging yourself into uncertainty.

N: I mean, I need to get better at it. It’s very scary.

C: And we haven’t mentioned you moving out during Covid. How do you feel about that?

N: Great. It was the best decision. I knew it was the right decision, I knew it was the essential decision. I wanted to move out in March, but I just wanted to make sure I was financially stable first. Turns out having two jobs, and working like crazy double shifts because you haven’t got anything else to do, and you’re like, might as well, makes you very financially stable, which is great. It’s good. I think I found a very good house. Like it was a good fit for me.

C: Do you think you could do lockdown with them?

N: I think it would be better than being with my family. I love my family, but it’s a lot. And I feel like, also, you’re just more accepting of annoying things that people you aren’t related to do. I think it could be fun, as well. I’d rather be in lockdown with people my age.

C: I had a very good experience.

N: Yeah, exactly. And it’ll be so much better now, I’m so much closer to a lot of my friends. We could go for walks and I wouldn’t feel guilty because I’d be in practically the same neighbourhood. If we went into lockdown again, it’d be a very different experience for me.

C: Might even be fun.

N: I mean, I just hate to say it. There is a lot of guilt. Like I finessed this lockdown. I finessed it [laughs].

C: I think we all have to find our own ways of finessing the lockdown, worldwide.

N: I don’t know, I just feel like I was very lucky and I’m probably coming off very full of myself. I don’t know about ignorant – unempathetic? People are out here suffering!

C: I don’t think you’ve come off unempathetic. It’s good to have fun in lockdown. We’re only going to have it once in our lives, hopefully! Let’s make the most of it.

[vermemesol]

If you wanna know more about me, JUST ASK LAH-

Ok jk Ily @liannamu 💕💕💕

Rules: if you do it, tag a few blogs that you adore.

What’s your favoUrite song to sing/hum?

Tbh. Anything that comes to mind, I'll just sing/hum it. 🎧🎵🎶🎤

What is your favorite flower/tree/plant? 

I love it as long as it's pretty and not deadly.

I love roses, bluebells, tulips and so much more ahhhhh. I'm a real sucker for flowers

🌸🌹🌺🌻🌼

I also love cacti (plural for cactus) 🌵

I love willow trees and just big shady trees in general

I LOVE NATURE OK IT'S THE ONE THING THAT DOESN'T PISS ME OFF

Not mother nature tho. Mother nature pisses me off with her damn weathering.

Nature is diff from mother nature. At least to me there's a diff.

Favorite colour?

Depends on what item tho.

But I love blue the most I guess 💙

What do you always doodle (if you ever do doodle anything)? 

I draw chibis and eyes and things that represent my current mood 🎨

How do you make your coffee/tea? (if you don’t like those: What is your favorite hot drink?)

I'm sort of a coffee addict?

I like my coffee with just the right amount of sugar, no ice, no milk and my tea just tea, no sugar or ice or milk ☕🍵

Favorite candle scent? 

I don't use candles but I love flower scented ones for sure

Sunrise or sunset?

Both because they're two of the most beautiful times of the day that relief all my stress when I view it

What perfume do you wear (if you do)? 

I don't use perfume but my mom has a green tea one and it's the only one that has a scent that I actually like 

What’s your go to dance move when you’re alone?

Nothing-

 Favorite quote?

It's in Chinese but uh

Don't let others define you

Something like that haha

Favorite self care thing(s) or routine(s)?

I like to maintain my personal hygiene a lot

LOL DOES THAT COUNT IDK

My daily routine is just to bond with my lappy (laptop) as much as I can and get as much shit done

Eating wouldn't matter unless it becomes a need

12. Fuzzy socks or house slippers?

HOUSE SLIPPERS

Because I stepped on a lizard once and luckily I was wearing slippers

13. What colour are your eyes?

Vvv dark brown

14. What’s your favorite eye colour on others?

Brown

15. Favorite season? Why?

If I wasn't in this no 4 seasons country

I'd definitely be a fall person

It's cool enough for warm clothes and drinks

Fall colours are beautiful

Sweater paws

And so much more

16. Cheek, neck or nose kisses?

None unless I rlly rlly love u

Even if I rlly rlly love u, I would never initiate it

U're on ur own bub

17. What does your happy place look like?

A coffin

6 ft under the ground

Ok if I were to be alive at my happy place

It'd be at a nice, empty cafe

Headphones in while I do something on my laptop

A warm cup of coffee by my laptop and hoping I don't spill that shit

18. Favorite breed of dog?

GOLDIES (Golden Retriever)

19. Do you ever want to be married? If so what colours would you pick for your wedding theme?

Nope

20. Silk or lace? 

L A C E

21. Favorite weather?

Warm but breezy

Ok basically the sun is out so there's warm sunlight but the wind is cool so it's kinda balanced lmao

Tagging; no one because I don't have friends. I mean I do have friends but they're alr tagged :(

[theessaflett]

Wicca & Whispers: My Unexpected Month as a Pagan Convert

My first and, to date, only, experience of a spiritual revelation happened in the summer of 2017.

Half an hour into a meditation session, eyes closed, legs crossed, I had a startlingly clear image of a gigantic oak tree growing out of the ground in front of me, unfurling its leaves and stating in a deep voice: I am Mother Earth. I am the one true religion. Convert to the Wiccan Faith.

This spiritual revelation, crystal clear in my mind’s eye,  was a little unexpected…not least because that meditation session was part of a Christian retreat. When we went round the circle afterwards sharing any godly moments we’d had during our prayerful meditation I, unsurprisingly enough, kept quiet. Right sort of experience. Wrong religion.

          -----------------------------------------------------------------------

With no small amount of trepidation and some curiosity, I recently asked around my friend group and requested that they describe me in one word. Some responses were:

Focused Self-Assured Unique Creative Warm   Versatile Funny

And, my favourite: “Essa” …Fair enough.

Now, this is a wide reaching list, but there was one word that didn’t make a single appearance from anyone: religious. I am not surprised by this. I am generally known as the cynical one, the sardonic one, the pessimist, the sensible thinker, and rightly so. (I am Scottish, after all.) Essa the logical. Essa the skeptic. Many, if not most, of the people who meet me in my day to day life would probably expect me to be agnostic, even atheist.

And yet.

And yet the institution of the church and Christianity itself has had a profound and far-reaching importance in my life. My mother is a lay-reader, church organist and choir leader. My dad is also a church organist. My Mum’s family are Church of Scotland Elders, My Dad’s folk are Salvation Army, some of them even founding members of the London branch of the institution. My family tree is heaving with religion, my own childhood spent in church buildings and prayer meetings. I was playing violin in the praise band at aged 4, playing the organ and helping run local church summer workshops by age 12, arguing on theological issues with church camp youth leaders by age 13. When people ask what my relationship is with the church, I usually just say, “I grew up in the church and my family is very involved with our local church community” and leave it at that. At that point most folk presume this to mean that I have given up on religion myself and leave the matter be, much to my relief.

And yet.

And yet I do still go to church, when I can. I am a congregation member of a very liberal C of E church in London, the type of church where God is referred to by female pronouns, people don’t guard ‘their spot’ on the pew and metropolitan gay couples bring their aesthetically flawless children with them every Sunday morning. I don’t tend to experience much great spiritual uplifting during the service but I enjoy the sermon, which usually has a disruptive, feminist slant, the sense of community, the feeling that here is a group of people who care about each other and are trying to just generally be nicer to everyone. I’ve told myself for years that there isn’t a need for a powerful sense of the otherworldy, of godliness, to make church worthwhile: surely a sense of that community and a reminder to be kind is a generally good thing, worthy in of itself.  

I was the church organist for this tiny yet friendly congregation in Tayport between the ages of 15-17. They did excellent cups of tea. I’m the one with the ginger hair.  (2013)

And yet.

And yet since I was very small, I have yearned for that ‘aha!’ moment. That euphoric experience of spiritual enlightenment where I would know that God was out there in the world. An unmistakable KA-POW. 

“You just need to send one sign!” I remember fervently bartering late one night when I was about eight during my bedtime prayers. “Just send one sign to show you exist and I won’t ask again and I’ll be extra good!” I was unaware then, in the midst of my doubt, of the irony of my paternal grandmother’s maiden name: Thomas. (Theology joke).

Years passed, and my wish for clear ‘godly proof of life’ faded into the background but didn’t entirely dissipate. From the ages of 10-13 I went to increasingly evangelical church summer camps where everyone else and their pet dog had seemingly had a personal meeting with Jesus, throwing myself into bible study groups and arm-waving to cheesy pop worship songs in the desperate hope that some sort of visitation from the Holy Spirit might eventually happen by Day 9 of camp. Nothing.

              ------------------------------------------------------------------

My teenage diaries are filled with fears of a malignant God, or a long-dead God, or a God that simply had decided that I personally was worthy only of being ignored. By seventeen I had given up on God entirely and announced myself agnostic. …This proved to be a very short-lived phase. Homesickness and a wish to find that specific sense of belonging that only churches can truly give led me to my current  liberal C of E church in 2014, but that wish for that ‘just one sign’ was still a background hum.

You can perhaps appreciate my frustration, then, when I finally got my sign in that prayer meeting in 2017. This was it. The visitation I’d been waiting for since eight year old me had laid down the gauntlet, demanding proof. It was just such a shame that it was the wrong bloody religion.

What would you do? On the one hand I was a church goer, who came from a church family, who had been brought up in the Christian faith.

On the other hand I had been wanting a spiritual sign from the heavens for about 14 years by this point and there it was. Ridiculous in nature and almost certainly brought on from a combination of severe sleep deprivation, high caffeine intake and end-of undergraduate-degree existential stress, but there nevertheless.

Reader. I went for it.

As my girlfriend at the time watched in mild, and then moderate alarm, I went out on what can only be described a ‘Wiccan Spree’, where in the space of about three weeks I obtained four spell books and a brand of incense called ‘Dragon’s Blood’, started following about eight different ‘Witchy Aesthetic’ Instagram accounts, watched countless YouTube spell videos, joined a Facebook group called ‘Divine Goddesses’,  signed up for a MeetUp event where you joined a ‘coven’ and casted spells in woods, guilt-read a blog called ‘So You Used To Be Christian And Now You’re Pagan: An Introduction To Your New Faith’, collected leaflets for a Pagan festivals that included activities such as ‘Tree Yoga’, drew my very own pentangle, made a wand and repurposed tea-light holders as containers for random household items that I decided represented the four elements. I was, in retrospect, almost certainly having some sort of small nervous breakdown, but at the time the sense of sudden purpose was truly wonderful. Wonderful, that is, until I got to the chapter about gender roles in my new, shiny Wiccan textbook. 

The enthused, evangelical pages about the powerful, strong energy of men and the sensitive, delicate energy of women left a sour taste in my mouth, particularly when it became clear that male and female energies were always expected to ‘intertwine’ exclusively with each other. I’d thought I was pursuing a fresh, exciting new way to explore my spirituality, a way that left the more archaic views and beliefs of the church behind. It was a disappointment, then,  to discover that heteronormative expectations of gender and sexuality permeated more than just the ‘mainstream’ religions. Wicca wasn’t going to be my ‘true path’, after all. The vision of the tree suddenly seemed like a silly figment of my imagination, and I was glad that I’d kept it mostly to myself. The spell books quietly and sheepishly went to the charity shop.

…And yet.

As I write this here in late 2019, there is still, somewhere in my brain, that eight year old child who is waiting for the moment of indisputable proof of a higher power. I am, of course, in good company, as countless Christians have searched for exactly that proof right from the beginning of the faith: the New Testament is chock-full of disciples needing massive, indisputable signs from the Heavens before they’ll believe practically anything, much to Jesus’ frustration. In John 20:29 a newly resurrected and very irritated Jesus says to Thomas, a disciple so skeptical that he’s known as Doubting Thomas (…told you my earlier Thomas joke was a theological one) and who has refused to believe in the resurrection of Jesus right up until the moment Jesus literally appears in front of him, “ Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed!”

…A phrase probably written into the Bible for the early Christians, encouraging them in their belief in a Messiah they hadn’t personally met, and a phrase that still holds comfort for Christians around the world today.

It’s one of those deceptively easy-sounding sayings, ‘Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed’.

I’ve always been someone who’s a stickler for facts  - for instance,  I worked out that Santa didn’t exist when I was five and then couldn’t understand for the life of me why everyone else was perpetuating a lie that was, in my mind, simply unnecessary. (It took quite a lot of persuading from my parents for me not to share my newfound knowledge with my friend group. I settled for pitying looks and pointed questions along the lines of, “But how exactly does he get down the chimney, Karen?”)

People who are Fact People don’t like the concept of blind belief. We don’t like it at all. It makes us feel exposed, and icky, and foolish, and like we’re being played for suckers.

I am a Fact Person. I am also not many people’s typical idea of a Christian.

I have tattoos. I am openly queer. I believe abortion and birth control are fundamental human rights, I don’t believe Mary was a virgin or that non-believers need ‘Saving’, I consider the Bible to be a fascinating tapestry of sociological history best read with the expectation of cross-culture misunderstandings rather than it being the undiluted Word of God, and I think that in institutionalised religion there is often too much fixating on a possible future Heaven when Hell is already happening now, in this lifetime, to so many people who need Earthly help rather than lofty prayer.

I am, in short, too much of a questioner to ever be a ‘true believer’. Blind Evangelical faith is just never going to come easy for this Doubting Thomas.

And as for my tree vision? My queer, feminist relationship with gender and gender roles stopped me from identifying as Wiccan, the restricted binary expectations making that path an instant no-go.

And yet. I am far from an atheist.

Me (now with blue hair) at a spiritual retreat with members of my current church community (Spring 2019)

              -----------------------------------------------------------------

As I move away from my teens and deeper into my twenties, I can slowly feel a subtler understanding of what God might be beginning to lap at the edges of my understanding of the world. Be it Mother Earth, be it the Holy Trinity, be it whatever you want to call it, I have noticed the small things I do in day to day life to honour the unexplainable.

The fact that I knew that lighting a candle and conducting my own small service for the flat I was about to leave after living there for 3 years was absolutely the right thing to do, despite the fact that that building was theoretically just bricks and mortar? Unexplainable.

The fact that I sometimes enter a house and go “yep, this is good” and sometimes am like, “ABSOLUTELY NOT, NOPE, DO NOT WANT TO STAY HERE THIS HOUSE DOES NOT LIKE ME”? Unexplainable…and ridiculous to witness.

The fact that, every so often, in the woods or on a deserted beach, I get a strange sense of flickering connection? A sense of an electric undercurrent that could be sparked into life if only two wires were connected? Unexplainable, unexplainable, unexplainable.

Celtic Christianity, that ancient and now largely forgotten Spiritual meeting-place between Christianity and Paganism, has a term for these moments where the Other can be felt, if only for a half-second: they are ‘thin places’, the places ‘in the world where the walls are weak’.

In the words of 1 Kings 19:12,  

         After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire.          And after the fire came a gentle whisper.

I’m beginning to suspect that perhaps in all my straining, in all my looking for divine ‘massive earthquakes’ and ‘impressive firestorms’, I’ve missed countless gentle whispers.

My relationship with faith is destined to wax and wane. The only certainty is that it will never stay the same. That, I’m beginning to realise, is allowed. Normal, even. For now, unsure of what the future may bring, I am content to search for those thin places and whisper into the quiet. 

You never know. I might hear a whisper in return.

[horseloverdawg]

We Are Family: Viewing Pets as Family Members Improves Wellbeing (Review)

So I have just recently read this article on if humans see animals as family members. The article states that 77% of pet owners with a dog or a cat state that their animal is family to them (McConnell et al., 2017). It has been researched that having family filled feelings towards an animal is life-changing. A paper that was created by McConnell, Lloyd, and Humphrey recently released stated that families who had pets, had less depression, anxiety, better self-esteem, and in general a more lively person. Even just thinking about the pet for an owner can be just as good as seeing their own best friend as stated by this article (McConnell et al., 2011). People look to their animals as if they are some sort of god. Some people who have felt a lot of pain just a simple pet on a dog or cat is enough to send them into tears. However, humans have a huge part in this relationship too. Humans have put a lot of social aspects into these animals to allow us to feel supported. A variety of people of have stated that family is the most valuable social unit in their life (McConnell et al., 2019). Anthropomorphism, which is putting human characteristics and emotions to an animal or thing, has been proven to boost the social closeness between animal and human. This however can turn into an issue at some point according to some other viewpoints. I came across this while reading a pro’s and cons list about anthropomorphism. These outcomes can entail how we will think about the animal in the future. If we look at a photo and it shows a species holding their dead young in what can look like a very sad and empathetic perception. When it could be a sign of get out of my territory since the photographer is approaching another being’s territory or home. As well as a sinister feeling of the species is warning you to stay away or something bad might happen. People may always realize that they have a huge impact into an animals welfare. The three authors, McConnell, Lloyd, and Humphrey did a study where they had random pet owners to write an essay about how their pets felt like actual family or if they felt like an ordinary animal. The conclusion was mixed. The result of this study showed that each owner said they had times where the animal acted like a family member and protected them; and times when the animal showed natural behavior. With all this said this article has a lot of good information and arguments on the topic. It is important to notice certain issues pertaining to this subject. The main idea to pull from this reading is that seeing a pet as a family member has intense boost in emotional well being for humans.

   Sources:

Anthropomorphism: Pros and Cons. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.jacksonwild.org/blog/anthropomorphism-pros-and-cons

The Well-Being Benefits of Seeing Pets as Family Members. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-social-self/201908/the-well-being-benefits-seeing-pets-family-members

 McConnell, A. R. (2011). The Multiple Self-Aspects Framework: Self-Concept Representation and Its Implications. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 15(1), 3–27. https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868310371101

Brown, C. M., Hengy, S. M. & McConnell, A. R. (2016). Thinking about cats and dogs provides relief from social rejection. Anthrozoös, 29, 47-58.

Buchanan, T. M., & McConnell, A. R. (2017). Family as a source of support under stress: Benefits of greater breadth of family inclusion. Self and Identity, 16, 97-122.

Epley, N., Akalis, S., Waytz, A., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2008). Creating social connection through inferential reproduction: Loneliness and perceived agency in gadgets, gods, and greyhounds. Psychological Science, 19, 114–120.

Epley, N., Waytz, A., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2007). On seeing human: A three-factor theory of anthropomorphism. Psychological Review, 114, 864–886.

Horowitz, A. (2009). Inside of a dog: What dogs see, smell, and know. New York, NY: Scribner.

McConnell, A. R., Brown, C. M., Shoda, T. M., Stayton, L. E., & Martin, C. E. (2011). Friends with benefits: On the positive consequences of pet ownership. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 101, 1239-1252.

McConnell, A. R., Lloyd, E. P., & Humphrey, B. T. (2019). We are family: Viewing pets as family members improves well-being. Anthrozoös, 32, 459-470.

McConnell, A. R., Lloyd, E. P., & Buchanan, T. M. (2017). Animals as friends: Social psychological implications of human-pet relationships. In M. Hojjat & A. Moyer (Eds.), Psychology of friendship (pp. 157-174). Oxford, UK: Oxford University Press.

McConnell, A. R., Buchanan, T. M., Lloyd, E. P., & Skulborstad, H. M. (2019). Families as ingroups that provide social resources: Implications for well-being. Self and Identity, 18, 306-330.   

[astralnexus]

LITTLE CHARACTER THINGS

just a fun little character game. fill in the below categories with 3-5 things that your character can be identified by.

repost & tag away !

tagged by: @inevitableeleven​ (tagging this blog bc Tumblr won’t let me tag Harley ;-; )

tagging: @emifucksshitup (adding to the pressure here c: ) @ask-xi @theta-x @petrichormemory & anyone that sees this and wants to do it!

Doing this for Elysia.

EMOTIONS / FEELINGS:

The feeling of relief after something stressful.

The feeling of the world being at a standstill during the extremely early hours of the morning.

The emotion of love. Whether it’s familial, platonic or even (rarely) romantic, Elysia has love to share.

Hope. The never-ending feeling that everything will work out in the end, that everything will be okay.

The feeling of being lost, misplaced, wandering.

GREETINGS:

A friendly tap on the shoulder, followed by a hug.

A warm smile and asking how you are.

A friendly insult.

A kiss to the cheek (usually reserved for close friends)

A playful punch to the shoulder.

COLORS:

Deep Amethyst/Deep Indigo.

Sapphire Blue.

Jet Black.

Midnight Silver.

Emerald Green.

SCENTS:

Cinnamon.

Lavender.

Books.

Pine.

A recently blown out candle.

CLOTHING:

Black hoodies/jackets.

Either converse or no shoes at all.

Black leather armour w/upper arms uncovered.

Black clothing/robes w/hooded cowl.

Black t-shirt & jeans.

OBJECTS:

One-handed axes.

Daggers.

Amethyst pendant.

Crystals.

Mobile phone.

VICES / BAD HABITS:

Nail-biting.

Chewing the inside of her mouth.

Picking loose feathers and leaving them on the floor/picking feathers that aren’t even loose. (latter usually indicates stress)

Tracing the sharp edges of her weapons.

Spacing out for long periods of time.

BODY LANGUAGE:

Wing flapping. Usually means she’s relaxed, or challenging your authority. Watch her tone when she does this.

Arms folded with her legs sort of spaced apart by a few inches. Usually means that she’s suspicious of you or she’s keeping her distance.

Running a hand through her hair. Either indicates she’s nervous, bored or exhausted. Again, tone is key here.

Knuckle-cracking. Either indicates that she’s challenging you, or she’s been gripping something for too long. Could also be a fidget.

Fidgeting, hands are wringing themselves or otherwise moving. Indicates impatience in Elysia, a raring to go or nervousness as well as excitement.

AESTHETICS:

Wolves.

Fairly lights with many colours.

Afternoon drives in the countryside with music.

Forests.

Thunderstorms w/heavy rain.

Nebulae.