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chilledplantmum · 3 years

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CW: stillbirth, mental health, covid 19, trauma

*Names have been changed for privacy and confidentiality reasons

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1800 RESPECT

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7.50 Monday morning

I was just doing my normal morning routine I was on the loo and I felt this weird sensation I thought Chester had moved away from my bladder as I felt a pop and a gush.

I didn’t panic I just thought it was wee but I called labour and delivery just for an opinion they weren’t concerned and as I had an appointment at 11am so I just chilled out and had breakfast I pushed away any worries because pregnancy teaches you to chill because if you worry about every little thing you’ll go mad. Matt was sleeping as he had had the flu with migraines and temperatures all the previous week and he was buggered. Then I went back to the toilet and I was shocked at that point as I was bleeding bright red blood. So I left the bedroom en-suite as not to wake up Matthew and called labour and delivery again and they seemed not fussed then Matthew came out to the lounge and his face was just shocked he couldn’t believe I hadn’t told him I just wanted him to not worry.

I drove myself to the hospital alone as Matthew was still displaying symptoms of being sick and as this was the thick of covid 19 stages 4 there was no way he’d be anywhere near the hospital though we both had negative results the previous weeks so we could see Matthews son as we didn’t want to expose anyone.

I was called into my appointment very quickly and the OB rushed me to ultrasound. The ultrasound was a bit strange even I could tell there was something wrong as the amount of 20-week ultrasounds I had seen on Facebook did not look like this. The OB said everything should be okay it did look like there was not much fluid but in her words at the time ‘I’m not great with ultrasounds I’ll send you up to the assessment unit they are much better’ but Chester still had a heartbeat so again I didn’t get too worried and I hadn’t had any pain so I made my way up to the assessment centre. Again I was called in fairly quickly even though I counted about 15 heavily pregnant women sitting waiting.

The midwife sat me down and checked on Chester with the Doppler he was rolling around running away from the pressure typical of my little nugget but she found his heartbeat no issues. She did some swabs and then called a doctor. The doctor performed a procedure to check my waters had truly broken. They couldn’t get an accurate answer as there was too much blood. But again they assured me that there was no ‘pooling’ of amniotic fluid so everything should be okay. I went to do the ‘pee cup’ the results showed high glucose which is typical of myself being hypoglycemic and a slight infection marker but nothing extraordinary. Then they transferred me to a single assessment unit to see the head OB and again I didn’t stress because no one seemed to be too worried. I was actually enjoying knitting the scarf I’d been working hard at the whole pregnancy.

The head OB again did a fluid swab which was a nasty painful 60 seconds of my life. Oh and the fact he made the comment that my vagina was at an odd angle and it was impossible to see my cervix. I won’t go into too much detail but it was rough and if I ever see another speculum I’ll most likely cry.

Called Matthew at that point can’t really remember what we spoke about but I was just updating him so he wasn’t out of the loop. I then headed to the toilet and on my way back to my room I saw my OB say to another midwife do you think this test is positive? She replied yes definitely a poor girl. I stopped myself went back to the room in a hurry and just kept repeating no it wasn’t my test why would they just talk openly where everyone could hear. I slowed my breathing something I had been very accurate to my entire life due to anxiety issues so I held it together.

The head OB came in and non-chalnonty told me yes the test is positive my waters had indeed broken. I immediately speed-dialled my love. At that point I could not talk I stopped paying attention to anything around me and I could barely hear any voices. The OB explained the situation to Matthew and left swiftly. Matthew and I just cried not saying a word but uncertain of what the future held. I had a few midwives come to comfort me and told me not to stress babies are born all the time at early gestations. I asked her for some food as I wasn’t prepared for a lengthy hospital experience all I had eaten was a bowl of rice bubbles at 9am it was now 2pm. All she could find was 3 custard puddings as I was feeling faint and quite hungry I downed all 3 without hesitation. I was admitted and given my own room hey it kind of looked like a fancy hotel room. Tad odd there was no TV.

Again I asked for food and asked to make sure my dinner had been organized they assured me it had been.

Then my mate Didrie* the first midwife I met on the ward. I will not forget her she was kind, she was gentle.

I asked her for answers there was none at that point.

I called Matthew so he could hear the plan she explained so he could have his questions answered.

Now at this point, I need you to brace yourself as I can hardly handle my anger for this moment.

My honest and compassionate self told Dierdre about Matthew and I’s covid tests and they were negative but Matthew had developed a dry cough that morning. He was instantly refused entry to the hospital and was made to take a covid test.

Bare with me this bits a little complicated. I had driven the car in and as we only have one car Matthew needed to come to pick it up so he asked Dedrie if he could bring my bedding and bags for the admission to the front door and give me a hug......... the answer of course ... no

I called my mother and asked her to drive Matthew to pick up the car and so I could at least see one familiar face..... breathe..... the covid rules for antenates was one visitor for the entire stay and only 2 hours of visiting per person.

At this point I had Deidre explain this to Matthew as I was exhausted beyond comprehension. Matthew begged and begged and the head midwife said absolutely not until his covid test was negative. He basically ran to get the test and was told it was going to take 3-5 days. He told this story to the nurse who completed his test she cried. That angel of a woman put his test under immediate healthcare exemption so it was fast-tracked for 24-hour turn around.

At this point, I was given the impossible choice of having my mum give me a hug and a conversation so I could cope or wait for Matthew when his test came back. At this point I almost shut down I had no answers for my unborn and my stupid empathetic brain pulled Dedrie aside and apologized for how Matthew and my mother sounded I had chosen to wait for the father of my child. I apologized to her and said they were quite angry as only a year and a half ago I had almost succeeded in ending my life. Deidre hugged me and said just wait.

She returned not more than 5 minutes later and said call your mother right now and get her up here. You have exceptional circumstances.

At this point, I was still waiting for food I believe it was around 8pm. The food service lady knocked opened the door and stated have you got your tray? I looked at her utterly confused and said what do you mean? I haven’t received my dinner yet. She just said okay well dinner service was over.

I begged mum to go get me food I was weak tired emotional and confused. My mother’s anxiety got the best of her and said she had no idea how to navigate sunshine. I dialled Matthew crying and said can you buy me some tea, my darling partner said what do you want anything for you.

Deidre Returned and said she had gotten approval for external food to be brought in. My mother went to the front door to collect the food from Matthew. She was hassled by security on the way back to my room.

It was KFC just chips and potato and gravy and as it was quite late at this stage I took in as much as I could but I could hardly eat it was the Coca Cola that saved my energy levels. I had to just force the food in.

Mum left after her 2-hour visit with a letter from the hospital stating she had permission to be out after curfew.

I just sat on my hard horrible uncomfortable hospital bed and just cried not sure how long but it was endless tears.

I finally passed out from exhaustion.

The night head midwife came in and woke me up around 1am for an obs check. I knew something was wrong as I could barely make out a human she had so much PPE. She said you are now in isolation and you will be given your covid test in the morning. I said can I get a can of Pepsi out of the vending machine just quickly as I hadn’t had any soft drink in soooo long. It was hard no. She did my obs and checked Chester with the Doppler she kept complaining how hard it was to find him as it was such an early gestation but for a fleeting 3 seconds, I heard the gallop of his fluttering heart. And everything was okay.

I was woken up abruptly the next morning at who knows what time. At this point, I lost track of days time and distance. The doctors said your ultrasound to check on my little nugget won’t be today as it was a too high risk of infecting people with my nonexistent covid. They left just as quickly as they had presented.

I just broke I have no idea how long I was crying for it was grief it was something between a scream and a moan it was so loud I had to drown out my own thoughts I had to drown out everything. I pressed the call buttons who knows how many times no one ever came.

I passed out. I was then woken again by a stranger covered head to toe in white there were no eyes no smile no humanity. She did my obs and said are you ready for your covid swab? I begged I had had no symptoms a negative test. She said it doesn’t matter you need to test clear for our safety. I said what happens if I refuse, she said your situation won’t change it will just prolong your stay. I opened my mouth with tears streaming down my face I have a pretty strong gag reflex but there were a few dry heaves. Then the nose she said I’ll be gentle I was just hanging to my thoughts of Matthew and Chester. She did one nostril and the pain was unbearable every nerve ending in my body was burning from emotion the psychical pain was just something I couldn’t cope with. The masked woman said you need to calm down it’s not good for you and baby. She asked are you ready for the other nostril, breathing through snot tears and pain I said if I refuse will I be made to take it again if there is a negative result. She said no, I said, in that case, you're not touching me. I’m not entirely sure what happened next I think at that point I stopped calling family as I couldn’t bear to see the pain in their faces or in their voice. I just kept saying be strong, bubs needs you to be strong right now. I don’t remember much from the interactions from those midwives that day. I do know that I started to develop a migraine as I had not had proper caffeine in close to 24 hours. There was another angel that day who said if you need anything to buzz me as you cannot leave this room. I said all I want is a can of coke and I’ll be able to survive the day. The midwives I could hear were run off there feet so many met calls for other mums every time I pressed the buzzer it was a good half hour to an hour to get service. Then came changeover I had a new midwife, my angel didn’t come through and the migraine started to become unbearable. Then she opened the door she said I didn’t forget about you. Look after yourself she took off her mask and smiled, it was an act of pure empathy and humanity.

I had been referred to my next angel the social work rainbow that came from pain and clouds. Rainbow* you saved my mind that day. You sat with me for over 2 hours listening. We swapped stories of our social work careers which were eerily similar. We talked about maternity social work and how horrible it can be and how unfair the world is. She then said she was off to do the paperwork for Matthew to stay the night when he tests negative the first exemption The hospital had to learn to deal with.

Then one of the best phone calls of my life came through it was Matt I could hear his smile from a mile away he had tested negative. I cried with joy a deep love.

Later that night my blood pressure plummeted I was faint tired and had barely eaten or drank any fluid.

The doctor said we need to hydrate you right now and ordered IV fluids

I demanded they did not the vein in my elbow as it was always the most painful IV vein he tried twice. I came very very close to passing out and giving up but I stayed awake and strong I downed some orange juice. He said the vein he found had collapsed and he would try the other arm I again said do not touch my elbow. Again he stuck in the canular needle and once again the vein collapsed. I went numb, I have an intense fear of needles but my blood pressure continued to plummet from the stress and pain. A second midwife gave it a try yet again they found a vein it didn’t produce enough blood. I remained steadfast you are not to touch the painful vein every doctor and midwife saying how much easier it would be. Now at this point, they brought in someone who never fails..... she spent a good ten minutes analyzing my arms finally stuck me number 4 she was in and then the vein once again collapsed.

I was so tired and delirious she talked me into the painful vein. Such regret for that moment.

She was gentle it was by a bit tender but not painful.

My iv fluids went in and I quickly started feeling better my bp came back up. They wrapped my arm and left me to rest. I don’t recall much else not sure if I slept. I believe it was a video call with my angels of a blended family my Matthew, my sons mum and Chesters brother and nanny. I was so happy just to hear My bonus son giggle and say he’s silly quirks I was floored how much he had grown in just over a week.

Sleep was not my friend that night the canula started to burn it started to ache and I started to just give in to the pain and let the panic take hold I just lay there hyperventilating and just giving in to the pain. Again the head midwife entered who knows what she looked like I knew she was older, I was so so weak and I begged and begged for her to take out the IV I started to lose it. She said to stop being silly it doesn’t hurt that bad I’ll flush it and you’ll be okay. You need to get it together. She broke a boundary she rubbed my belly and said you need to stay calm for the baby.

She bandaged me up and said okay shall we listen to the baby? I was so happy to hear those words just connecting to the little miracle in my uterus. He played up a treat she said sounds like there’s fluid in there and you hear the gushing? Hope-filled my heart and then I heard him hiccup I slept well that night even though I was writhing in pain from the IV

I sat there rolled up in my maternity pillow and therapy blanket and I’m not a religious person but I sat there cried and prayed I said Hail Marys our fathers I begged and pleaded with the universe, I promised I would do anything to keep my child. I was a good person I helped people, I am kind I am generous. How could God take my baby from me when my abusive ex who had threatened to kill me and any new partner I fell in love with, strangled me several times held a knife to my throat had a perfectly healthy child. I begged I pleaded I prayed. At the end of this stay, god religion whatever you believe does not exist there is no fairness. I just cling to love and joy family good friends and life.

Again like doctors do they banged on my room for rounds stated you will be going for your ultrasound in an hour. I didn’t comprehend anything they said to me the midwife entered the room just a mask and kind eyes and I said what is going on? She said did the doctors not tell you? Your covid test is negative and there ready for you to come down to ultrasound to see nugget boy. I called Matthew tears of pure joy running down my face.

The PCA collected me in a wheelchair I just couldn't find the energy to walk. It was the young woman’s first day and she had no idea where ultrasound was, I said don’t worry I got you to let’s go.

I arrived and waiting an hour for the ultrasound that was ready for me know. I asked reception for a mask from politeness to others couldn't give two shits about anything as I was negative for the dumb virus anyway.

Finally called into ultrasound. I stated to the tech can I call my partner, she said I’ll talk to my supervisor, came back 5 minutes later and said only for the first 2 minutes, I just politely said Thankyou and dialled. The second the machine hit my stomach I saw him I had no idea what I was looking at it was just like a car that had been crushed into a cube I knew it was bad when the tech went quiet and left the room. Matt and I sat there in silence quiet tears running down my face we knew it was bad. The tech returned with the more senior tech, at that moment I was a thing an object they talked amongst themselves about how there was no fluid there was no clear vision of anything. But yet there was his little fluttering heart. He was still going strong.

It was long painful ultrasound bursitis and arthritis in my hips was near unbearable I was just so sensitive to pain which is not something I’m used too I normally can barely feel a thing until I’m at level 8 or 9 levels of pain and even then it’s hard to get me to take pain killers. Matthew and I stayed silent he said I will shower waiting for the doctor.

I went to the toilet and in seconds I could hear my name being called I ran out and went with my next angel The high-risk OB (HROB*)She sat me down and even with all her PPE I knew that look it’s as obvious as a deer in headlights. I paused and said before we start I need to call Matthew. He had jumped in the shower so it took him some time to respond. HROB started I’m so sorry.... that was all I needed to hear I don’t remember the words said next but Matthew has called back. HROB said I won’t say much more until Matthew was there as decisions needed to be made for our child. I had tears again I was out of breath I couldn't catch my breath with the goddamn mask on HROB gave me a minute as I had snot flying everywhere. I said can Matthew please please stay more than 2 hours she said no the government and police make those rules. I could barely stand

HROB asked someone I have no idea who but they basically held me up while walking back to the ward. Just waiting for the elevator I fell to the ground trying to get my breath.

I have no idea how but I made it to level 7 I said to the midwife wait for me I’m going to the fucking vending machine

I was taken back to my room which now I could move freely in and out of. Matthew knocked and the sense of love and relief I had at the moment was indescribable. We just sat down and held each other for hours no words needed to be said. At that point, there were no words.

Rainbow knocked she was so much more beautiful without the lab suit on.

She said I’ve got 10 minutes as I am now running up to my office Matthew you will stay the night I promise you.

Hours went by and then 3.30 came

HROB walked in we arranged the room.

The news was something no parent no human wants to hear.

Bubs our little peanut, nugget bean had a 1-5% chance of having completely normal anatomy and a normal or healthy quality of life.

The next sentence I’m sure nearly killed Matthew right then and there. HROB said bubs had 4 more days to go till viability. But with every second he was safe in my tummy it became more and more dangerous for me. The next words I don’t remember and I still can’t imagine the power. She said if you go into labour bubs would not live. And then if I got an infection I would only have a very small chance of survival many women quickly end up in ICU with sepsis and can die within minutes. She said if any tiny hint of infection set in we would not be given a choice. She made me promise if infection set in I would not refuse treatment and induction as bubs would 100% not survive and if I refused neither would I. It’s was Wednesday I think at that point. HROB left us to hopefully make the decision between a mother’s health and babies life. Of course, my instinct was baby. I asked Matthew he couldn't answer but I knew the look in his eyes and what it meant.

Matthew and I needed the connection we needed family we needed his son my beautiful bonus son. And they all answered it was the silver lining in a fucked up time bonus sons’ hiccups had my near in tears he sounded just like his brother's little hiccups. He was so happy to see daddy and cag cag ( his name for me) his smile lit up my heart and I just felt love just for a little while everything was okay. But then I saw my face in the camera view I started to get pale, I got pale, I pushed to stay on the phone as I just wanted to hold onto hope and joy. But then I fell behind Matthew and passed out in pain.

Not 2 hours later the choice was taken away I started to cramp, it came on thick and fast. The most intense pain I’ve ever felt. Whole-body convulsions I was rolling over and over again punching things screaming a primal scream that I didn’t recognize.

It was a blur from there for me the one memory I do have was Matthew pressing the buzzer furiously running up and down the halls trying to find someone to help finally they took a preemptive blood test ordered by a midwife. And then the morphine injection.

I had never seen my partner so angry so bossy, so in control. The young midwife just kept asking if I was ready.

Matthew lost it and said just do it she can’t talk she’s in pain just do it!

That injection felt like it went through my entire thigh through the other side. Matthew stated that the way I pulled away I nearly snapped the needle off into my thigh.

But then it’s was a blur I do recall the midwife coming in and stating there was an infection that had set in but it was mild and there was still hope.

We were moved to the assessment centre not long later.

Matthew passed out on the couch I was high as a kite on morphine and I just wanted cuddles and he said cass I need rest.

I spent much of my time with the international midwives guessing their accents apparently I did well. Then in passed out from being so tired.

Sleep evaded me as I discovered that morphine started to make me hallucinate. I was having night terrors quite frequently.

Finally, the morphine wore off and then the hunger kicked in

The midwife offered me the Doppler I said there’s no point it’s too painful.

Upon reflection he must have passed at this point as the vegemite craving kicked in all I wanted was a strong desire for vegemite sandwiches.

Then the moment came, the pain was starting to settle in but I was denied pain killers as I had to be clear-headed to sign my consent to induction.

One of the most delirious moments of my life one of trauma and sadness and even though this is just so new I still feel like I sentenced my darling Boy to death. I screamed I yelled I cried, I punched the bed. The pain started to set in again

Matthew said please let me sign it but as it was my body I had to.

I just couldn't do it I couldn't terminate my miracle child the child I was told I could never have conceived naturally.

Then Matt held me tight he begged and begged and cried he said you promised. bubs is gone I can’t lose both of you.

HROB just got frank she said I need to go but your choice is you sign this piece of paper or instead of losing one life we are losing two.

It took everything in me to go against every human value I hold dear but I signed.

I was then given more endone so I could relax.

I was rushed to the birthing suite by wheelchair, I couldn't stand on my own two feet let alone walk.

It was a fast process they said you have time for lunch so ordered as many dumplings as I desired. They came at me with that fucking canula again 3 pokes later I said go away I do not give you consent to touch me if I have to have IV antibiotics for 48 hours I will not spend it crying from a nasty painful IV

the dumplings arrived and they said it’s time hop on the bed we are inducing you. They said you will have plenty of time to eat. 3 times the usual dose they said we will increase the dose again in 3 hours.

I started on the dumplings I had been craving all day. I had 3

The pain came on thick, fast and nasty.

First was an endone tablet it worked as well as panadol. Then I was given the gas it worked for about the first 3 contractions they were not very far apart. I was right side up to upside down there was no comfortable position. The gas was just making me giddy and slowed my breathing I started getting angry all I wanted was time to eat I was starving. I pulled my shoulder trying to rip the bed rail off the bed. And then after a little, while I was ready I have no idea if I was dilated to the full but the midwife set the toilet up so I could sit and relax and push and there were towels to catch baby I had the gas and I had to be forced to take breathes as I just wanted to be high. I looked at myself in the mirror I looked tired but I could still see the strength in myself. Then the last few contractions hit and he didn't take long.

Bubs was breech and I cannot describe the feeling of giving birth there are no words.

I was moved to the bed to relax and give the final push it took mere seconds and he was out

The most heartwarming words came out of Matthews's mouth. Cassie, it’s a boy

High from the gas, I had a short break and then got to hold my darling boy in my arms

There are no words for the love I felt

Matthew and I looked at each other and said it’s our little Chester.

#birth story #stillborn #child death tw #controversial #pregnancy

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allthephils · 5 years

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From the Passenger Seat

This work was written for the @phandomreversebang and was inspired by this wonderful art by @dnovep.

Word count: 4002 Rated T (Mild references to sex and homophobia, mental health, established relationship)

Read on AO3

“Phil.”

His name lingers in a fog of sleep before dropping to the bed. The mattress dips with the weight of it. There’s one quick, deep breath before he presses his face further into the pillow and sinks back into a disjointed dream.

“Phil!”

It’s loud enough to break through now, dragging consciousness with it. Phil resists with a grunt, turning away from the sound but a hand comes to grip his shoulder, shaking him abruptly before pulling away. He hears a heavy put upon sigh and finally allows his eyes to open, slowly letting in bright morning sunlight. “What time is it?”

“Finally.” Dan is stood now. Phil twists to see him zipping up a bag and stepping into his shoes. “I’m leaving, just thought you should know.”

“Leaving? What time is it?” Phil can’t make sense of anything. The way the sun streams in says it’s early, so much earlier than he ever gets up. He’s not looking at Dan because his eyes have settled on the duffle bag sitting on the bed near his feet. He searches for a memory he must have lost. Was there a plan? Is Dan going away today?

“It’s like 6:30,” Dan says, like that’s a perfectly reasonable time to be waking Phil up. He’s bothered, annoyed. Judging by his tone, it must be quite a burden to drag Phil from a dream this way. “Go back to sleep. I just thought I should tell you before I left.”

Dan grabs his jacket off the back of the desk chair while Phil watches, confused and only half awake. Something squeezes around his heart like a fist, clenching tighter every second as awareness creeps in. The night before had been rough. Dan spent most if it sulking, complaining about every little thing, while Phil mostly stayed quiet and tried to leave room for Dan to vent. His offers of affection were ignored, his empathy met with derision. Dan had snapped at Phil, refused to talk to him. He’d rolled his eyes at Phil’s insistence that they not go to bed angry. I’m not going to bed, he’d said you are. So not my problem I guess. Phil was genuinely hurt but there was no getting through so he did go to bed, falling asleep alone to a soundtrack of the too loud television coming from the lounge.

“Wait, Dan. You’re leaving?” Phil says, voice shaky and cracking, his body reacting before his mind is fully aware of the fear he’s facing.

“Yeah, I’ll…” He turns as he speaks but stops short when he sees the alarm on Phil’s face. “Phil?”

Dan looks so tired, his eyes are pink and heavy, ringed in blue grey, his mouth pulled down at the corners. All the while, his body darts and weaves around the room.

“Phil. What?” He’s so terse, Phil is almost afraid to answer.

“You’re leaving? What does that mean exactly?” Any attempt to appear detached is lost to the panic rising in Phil’s throat.

Dan just stares at him for a few moments and then, “Jesus Phil, I’m not leaving you. I’m just leaving.” There’s that eye roll again. It’s so dismissive and it stings, it really does. Phil wonders if it felt like this for his mum when he would roll his eyes as a teenager. Dan’s not a teenager though.

“Where are you going?”

“I don’t know.”

“When will you be back?”

“I don’t know.” Again with the irritation, like Phil has no reason to worry, no right to know what to expect.

“Are you ok?” Phil asks, earnest, and sits up, reaching for his glasses.

“I don’t know.” An honest answer, matter of fact.

Phil throws the covers off himself and stands, reaching under the bed to pull out his suitcase. He pulls shirts from the closet leaving a mess of hangers on the floor. Three drawers slam one by one as he grabs what he needs from the chest. He doesn’t actually know what he needs because he doesn’t know where they’re going or how long they’ll be gone but he grabs a change of jeans and some pajamas, a handful of underwear and a pile of single mismatched socks and shoves in all into his case.

“Get the chargers and my pillow, I’ll be fast.”

Dan is still stood in the middle of the room watching Phil. “Fast at what?”

Phil has already turned on the shower and he climbs in in lieu of answering. He keeps his hair dry and washes as quickly as he can, then steps out to dry off and brush his teeth. He grabs hair product and his toothbrush and opens the door to find Dan in the same spot.

“Fast at what?”

“Showering. Did you sleep at all?” His chargers are right where he left them. He throws on jeans and a t-shirt and grabs a tour hoodie off the floor. The last bits packed, he zips up, grabs his pillow, and walks toward the door.

“Dan?”

Dan hasn’t moved.

“Dan?!”

He startles.

“Are we going?” Phil is losing patience but he’s trying, he’s trying so hard. This isn’t the first time Dan has run off in search of a conclusion to the story in his head. It hasn’t happened in a while and this scenario is definitely new. Waking Phil up for a goodbye, however ill tempered, is an improvement.

“You’re coming with me?”

Phil just huffs and walks past Dan to grab his bag too.

“Come on.”

They get an Uber to the rental car lot because Dan is too embarrassed to let Phil ride the tube holding his pillow. They don’t talk once they’re seated in the back seat. Phil politely deflects any conversation from the driver.

The morning is dreary and grey, a little too on the nose for Phil. He thinks a little glaring sun might do a world of good right now. Maybe it would boost Dan’s serotonin levels just enough or maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe, to Dan, sunny skies would be an affront today, an assault on the senses. Maybe sunny skies would bring out the friendly in this driver and bring crowds to this rental lot. Maybe dreary and grey is a safety net.

Phil’s a safety net too though and he could really use a little sunshine right now. It’s not about him, he knows that but he can’t pretend this doesn’t scare him, doesn’t bring back all sorts of memories of hard times, bad days, and worse nights. If Dan can choose to be off meds, to let these days come sometimes, then Phil can choose to cling to him for dear life. We all have our coping mechanisms.

Phil loads a cooler into the backseat of the rental car before climbing in and setting two coffees into the cup holders in the center console.

“Where did you get a cooler?” Dan sounds angry but that’s just how he sounds on days like today.

Phil answers him with forced neutrality. “Tesco.”

“And Starbucks? You did all that while I was at the counter?” The look dan gives him could best be described as suspicious but there’s a hint of gratitude way in the back of his words. Phil holds onto it and shrugs.

“You won’t tell me where we’re going or how long we’ll be gone,” Phil says, “so I got snacks. You’re welcome.”

It takes a real effort not to mirror Dan’s mood. It’s not fair to be angry so Phil breathes deep and watches the scenery go by, bland as it is. He sips his coffee and reaches behind him to pull a box of doughnuts from the cooler. Vaguely political chatter drones from the speakers. It might be interesting if it weren’t so early. Dan waves away the offer of a doughnut but reaches over a few minutes later to take one from the box.

The landscape is dull as the sky. It all runs together, rushing past Phil’s window, beige and grey and muted green. Dan’s hands make the steering wheel look like one of those toys you’d give a baby in their car seat. He fidgets, gripping in pulses and twists. The muscles of his face twitch and spasm as he clenches his jaw and Phil reaches out to touch the hard edge of it.

“Babe,” Phil sounds small, “can you relax your jaw?” He clears his throat, “it’s gonna be sore.”

Dan inhales through his nose and lets his jaw soften. It’s a small thing but it feels like a victory and Phil’s shoulders relax the tiniest bit. He tries to remember everything he’s learned, things the internet taught him in the middle of nights made sleepless by worry, and things Dan taught him, vulnerable and open in Phil’s arms on one of his better days. There’s an inner dialogue unfolding that he’ll have to repeat on a loop until Dan is on the other side of whatever this is. All he can do is be here, strong and open-hearted, a witness to Dan’s strength, reflecting it back until he can see it for himself.

A sign rushes by, the off ramp for Wokingham is ahead. It distracts Phil from his thoughts.

“Oh Wokingham,” He says, “is that where we’re going?”

The laugh that follows is scathing. “Wokingham? Phil, are you actually joking?” Dan shoots him a look that matches his tone, “Fuck Wokingham.”

Phil’s eyelids are heavy, his head wobbles on his neck, and it’s clear Dan isn’t interested in chatting. Reclining the seat, he hugs his pillow and feels himself drift. He’s not falling asleep, he’s just getting comfortable, resting his eyes.

A cold rush of air sends a shiver over Phil and he reaches for a duvet that isn’t there. “Dan. It’s cold! Roll up your window.” He curls in tighter but his eyes flutter open to see Dan reach out and crank the heat up. The droning voice Phil had drifted off to has been replaced by something deep and loud, an angry voice half sings, half raps, and Dan sings along, hand drumming the beat into the steering wheel.

“Pull over, I need a wee.” Phil sits upright and throws his pillow into the back. “How long was I asleep?”

“An hour? Hour and a half? Wasn’t really paying attention.”

The nearest exit takes them to a petrol station and Phil runs inside, grateful for an actual toilet. He’s never been great at having a wee on the side of the road with his nervous bladder. When he comes back, Dan is leaning against the car, a picnic of road snacks laid out on the boot. Phil pauses just outside the shop, taking a moment to look. From here, Dan is only beautiful. He looks cool and strong, no sign of his crumbling resolve, no chemical imbalance, no dark circles, no trauma.

“Glad you’re eating.”

Dan holds out the pastry in his hand for Phil to take a bite. It’s a thing they’ve done a thousand times and Phil basks in the normal of it.

“When I get diabetes, you’re going to have to give me the shots.” A joke in poor taste, another small hint of normal for Phil to hold on to.

Phil gathers up wrappers and bottles and takes it all to the garbage. By the time he’s back, Dan is back in the driver’s seat.

“It’s bloody cold.” He says, starting the car and cranking up the heat. Phil breathes into his hands and looks to Dan, carefully choosing his next words.

“Feeling a little better?”

The twitch in the muscle of Dan’s jaw says he chose wrong.

“Better than what?” Dan says with a laugh that’s not at all funny.

The music is up and they are on the road again, making their way over the bridge to Wales. They don’t talk. Phil usually knows what to say, what not to say, how to just be there. He knows the heavy, shut down numbness of Dan’s depressive episodes and the weepy desperation that sometimes comes when the clouds are about to part. Maybe this is what it’s like when Dan runs off. Maybe the mood swings and the worry in Dan’s brow are par for the course. He hates that he doesn’t know. Running away like this has always been something Dan did without warning. Phil has never been privy to this piece of Dan’s puzzle but he can see that Dan’s mind is racing. He thinks he knows how that feels but he can’t be sure. He wants to know what to say. He wants to make stupid jokes and eat pizza and go home and cuddle. He wishes that he could be enough.

Outside, the blue sky has cracked through the murky grey clouds. The sea is calm, rushing past on both sides and soon they’re driving right along the coast. It brings to mind family holidays and morning walks with his mum but beneath the comfort, there’s an undercurrent of fear. Any moment, those dark waters could rise up, crash over them, envelop this little town they’re in. He conjures an image of he and Dan on the Isle of Man, watching the sunset, kissing on a high cliff where no one could see. Staring into the water, he clings to a heavy handed metaphor. He and Dan run deeper than most could imagine, so constant in their ebb and flow, so strong in their quietest moments. He’s lost in those thoughts when he feels the car pull off the road and realizes they’ve arrived. Somewhere.

Before he can ask, Dan is out of the car and walking toward the water. Grabbing a blanket from the backseat, Phil finds a grassy spot without too many rocks. There’s a lighthouse in the distance and the sound of the sea in Phil’s ears as he stands and watches Dan stretch his arms above his head. The blanket isn’t much barrier from the poking grass and pebbly sand but Phil sits anyway. Phil watching Dan, Dan watching the sea, birds screaming overhead. Enough time passes that the light has changed, the clouded sun giving a glow that feels like early morning though they left that part of the day at home. Finally, Dan turns and begins the walk back. He sits but the distance between them is miles wide.

“You ok?”

“No.”

Of course he’s not ok. “I can read on my phone or play a game. We could probably get a signal here, watch something.”

All he gets is a heavy sigh in response.

“I’m sorry.” Phil squeaks out. “Maybe this is your thing. I should have stayed home. I just get scared Dan.” Dan stretches the crick out of his neck and Phil wishes he could shave some of that annoyance away. “I try so hard not to make it about my feelings when you’re like this but things have been pretty good,” Dan’s brows shoot up, he’s picking at the grass next to blanket, “or maybe just familiar, I don’t know. But I’m having flashbacks if I’m honest. Last night was hard, this morning was hard.” Phil continues, “No, not hard, terrifying.”

Dan’s head turns just slightly and the flash of his eyes makes Phil want to reach out and pull him in but he stays put.

“Sorry I was a twat last night.” Dan tucks in his legs and pulls the blanket around his knees. “But I’m ok Phil. I mean I’m not, but I’m figuring it out.”

“Ok but that’s what scares me Dan. The only times you’ve ever scared me is when you’ve said you could handle things.” Phil’s lip is sore where he keeps biting it. “It just makes me think back to right before you started therapy. You kept insisting you were fine and then, well you weren’t. Do you remember what you said to me?”

“No.” He answers, exasperated.

Phil looks right at him and speaks slowly. “You said, ‘It’s getting scary Phil.’ Then there were tears. You weren’t really crying but there were tears. And I held you there. And you said you were scared. You said it a few times.”

“Ok, Yeah. I remember,” Dan says, “I was scared. That was a darker place than I had been before.”

“And now? Are you scared now?”

Dan turns his body toward Phil, finally looking at him. “Not like I was then. I’m not on an edge anymore. I would never do that do you.”

“Will you please come here?” Phil is really trying but he has to touch him. He’s the most important person on the planet and he can’t survive this moment without something, just a touch, he’ll take anything.

Dan lays his head in Phil’s lap and Phil’s fingers are instantly in his hair. It’s a fix and the itch under his skin finally subsides. He’s aware of the utter codependency, the addiction he has when it comes to Dan but he doesn’t care.

“I’m not going to do anything I can’t take back. This is different. I’m different.” He rolls on his side, curling against the cool air. “The thing is though, that means there’s no way out.”

“Jesus Christ Dan. How can you just say that?”

“Hear me out.” Dan has readjusted his position several times already and now he sits up, one leg folded in, on leg sort of wrapped around Phil’s so they are finally, finally close. “If I’m gonna do this, if I’m gonna feel everything, I can’t stagnate, I have to keep moving forward, making my life what I want it to be. You can’t be the only good thing in my life Phil.”

“I’m not. You have so much Dan.”

“Whatever. Some days you are. I want to have a good life with you, not just for you or because of you. Does that make sense?” He’s brushing his fingertips up and down Phil’s neck, searching for some connection and knowing he needs it as much as Phil does brings more comfort than anything could. He nods, it’s a small thing but it’s all he’s got.

They sit like that for some time. Dan watching Phil, Phil watching the sea, birds screaming overhead.

“So what were you doing last night? If you weren’t depressed or whatever, why were you up?”

“I was writing. All night. And drawing and outlining and my brain was about to combust so that’s why the drive.” There’s almost a smile now, the sunshine Phil’s been waiting for.

“Oh. Cool. What did you write?”

“Welp. Phil. I was working on a script, a concept really, for a video. It’s way too long right now, I’m gonna need your help cutting it down.”

“Of course.” Phil is lost but he waits.

“It’s my coming out.” Dan says, his eyes expectant.

“Coming out? Like, of the closet?”

“No Phil, it’s my coming out into southern American society. I’ll need a chaperone, will you escort me to my cotillion?” At least he’s laughing.

“Ok, I’m just surprised.”

“What do you think?”

“I think you should do whatever you need to do to be happy.”

Dan laughs, “Well I don’t know about that lofty aspiration, but I think it will help.” He leans back a bit, gets a good look at Phil’s eyes. “Anyway, that’s not what I’m asking. This is gonna out you too. I can’t exactly not mention the guy that made me commit to one dick for the rest of my life.”

Phil huffs a relieved sort of giggle, “so you aren’t sad, or numb, or any of that?”

“Not today. Just nervous, excited, anxious, terrified, maybe a little sad after writing my story down, but just normal sad.” He lays back down, so tired, like talking about this has used up the last of the adrenaline that was keeping him up. “You’re avoiding the question.”

“We don’t have to talk about this now.” Phil says, back to the important work of stroke Dan’s hair.

“Actually, we do. Kinda the whole point of this little trip. You’re the one that came along and uninvited bub. Can’t escape now.”

“Yeah, I mean, say what you want Dan. I’m already out to everyone that matters.”

Dan looks up at him. “I can think of 4 million people who matter who don’t know.”

“Oh come on, they know. I talk about hot guys all the time.”

“Yes Phil, I know.” Dan says with utter contempt in his voice. “And sure, the lesbians know, but what about all the people who will just assume we’re straight unless we literally leak our sex tape? What about all the people in denial because they’re just so in love with big daddy Philly.”

“Ew. Stop.” Phil crinkles his nose. “I’m not subtle Dan. And I don’t care if they know for sure, they’ll figure it out.”

“Ok babe. You do you. I’m just saying, you could maybe help some people.”

“How did this become a conversation about me?” Phil watches Dan snuggle in and close his eyes. “Let’s just get through your video first. See how it goes. You know mine will be pretty low key. If I decide to make one.”

“Alright.” Dan bats his eyelashes at Phil. It’s not intentional, just a thing that happens when he feels like this. “Thanks for hijacking my road trip. I love you.”

“Wait, what about your family, Dan?”

“Guess that’s step one.” He sounds so sleepy now, the words slur a bit, his breathing slow. “I’ve got till June. Maybe I’ll do it at Easter.”

“The June video.” Phil says.

“Has to be June.” He yawns. He looks so small sometimes. “A year is enough time thinking about it. I’ve got to rip off the plaster.”

Everything is different. Different to last night, different to this morning, different to last year, and so different to a few years ago. It doesn’t mean an absence of fear. Loving Dan means a small corner of his heart will always be hollowed out, lying in wait for the next time he sinks. But he’s reassured, for now.

There’s a little shack of motel up the road, generously referred to as a bed and breakfast on the website. Phil drags Dan awake after a half hour or so and leads him to the car.

“You can’t drive Phil.” Dan mumbles.

“I can and I am. It’s just ten minutes. No complaining.”

The lady at the front desk wears a scrutinizing gaze as she checks them in. Phil repeats yep just one room, more than once.

As they make their way up the stairs with their bags and Phil’s pillow, Dan whispers, “We’ll have to make some noise for her sake, after I get a nap.” Phil giggles looking over his shoulder.

They choose a movie and Dan’s asleep before the title appears. Phil isn’t far behind. Eventually, he gets up and ventures out to bring back a real meal. They eat and talk about all the ideas overflowing in Dan’s mind. Phil makes Dan take a shower and he doesn’t even unzip his bag, just climbs into bed to make that noise they’d talked about. In the end, they’re rather quiet but for breathy sighs and whispered affection. Dan is happy to do this Phil’s way, to let the weight of him hold him steady and let himself be adored. And so Phil does adore him, covering his skin in kisses, keeping their bodies impossibly close. He’ll taste every sweet and bitter piece of Dan and hear the soft sounds that only he’s allowed to hear. Dan will end up draped over Phil, drifting off yet again. Silky brown curls will slip around and past Phil’s fingers again and again and he’ll remember a time when he was the only one who got to see these curls. The years of hiding so many pieces of them are coming to an end but some things, the most important things, will always belong to just the two of them.

#phanfic #prb19 #prb #myfic

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starfleetwitch · 6 years

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My opinion of Hardbroom in the Finale

Ok so I know the fandom is divided about this, and I respect everyones opinion, but I just wanted to share my own too. I personally liked the finale just as much as I loved the rest of the season. I know people are claiming bad writing and are disappointed but I loved the peek into Hecate’s backstory, something we didn’t really get with the 90s worst witch. Yes we knew about Broomhead and how much she scared Constance but WE made her trauma up and theorised why she was so afraid through fanfiction. In this season we actually saw in canon how unfair the teachers were to this obviously struggling child. The trauma is canon and that trauma is that at the end of the day, Hecate thought she’d killed her best friend. This changed her Psychologically, emotionally and physically. In her head, she didnt deserve to be free, she deserved to be punished and thats why she decided herself to continue to be confined at cackles and push everyone away. Its canon that she became that frightened, guilty child every time she looked at Indigo running around free with Mildred. It had to have taken a toll on her already damaged emotional state. All those years of not dealing with her problems and now she has to deal with them all at once? yikes. In my head, for 30 years Hecate’s mind has been a stretched elastic band and every time something happened the got band stretched more to breaking point. She didnt talk to people about her problems, she dwelled in the guilt and grief her entire life on her own, meaning that band never became loose. I feel like indigo running away from her was akin to the band being stretched too far and snapping. Raquel did a wonderful job with this! The emotion, the chaotic behaviour and breaking voice. Hecate is a broken woman struggling to hold it all together and I actually applaud the writers for this. The message is to deal with your feelings and not bottle them up.

I know they didnt have to do all this to her. Some people see the confinement as a needless piece of plot, however, I think its a beautiful and rather tragic metaphor about how you can punish yourself needlessly instead of dealing with your problems and seeking help. It says a lot about how Hecate though she deserved to be treated. I also think it opens up a lot in terms of story line for the next series. I find it endlessly fascinating that both Hecate and Indigo are viewing the new world for the first time. I’m also hoping this opens up the story line for the All at Sea story to come into it. From a Fanficiton point of view, I personally love a bit of heart break and angst in a characters storyline. I love the idea of the strongest most steady minded character having flaws and becoming the one who needs help. I will admit to making Miss Hardbroom the damsel in the past in my fanfictions through exploring the physical relationship between her and Broomhead, therefore I applaud the writers for showing us how a person can break and become fractured through mental means. Not only did it give us angst and show how even the strongest of people are flawed, it also served as a reminder that our mental health is fragile, at least thats what I got from it. As for the rest of the storyline, Ethels a wee shit that needs expelled (I wont make excuses for her but on a side note, the way her mother AND FATHER treats her is also straight up abuse. Its so easy to blame the parents but in this case, I blame the fucking parents!)

#I was gonna put it under a 'read more' thingy but I cant find the button #Hecate hardbroom is my beautiful fallen angel #worst witch #hecate hardbroom #mildred hubble #ada cackle #miss hardbroom #joy hecate hardbroom #mental health #Constance hardbroom

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onyxvibrationstation · 3 years

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Today was really a roller coaster

It started when I woke up and was teary all morning. For no real reason other than feeling like I was generally unhappy with my career and some of my life choices. I just couldn’t stop crying. I think having a crap Valentine’s Day probably influenced that. And the fact I finally blocked Connor days prior.

Anyway, I knew it was either go to bed or do something, anything. So I ran a bath. I found myself swaying my body in the bath, from side to side whilst I did some reading on somatic exercises for trauma. Which was really helpful, I started to notice the ways I hold my body and how that influences my thoughts and feelings about the world and myself.

I decided I was going to go valla and be near water. So I did. I had other things I could have done but I knew i was going to go to bed for the rest of the day if I did anything else. So I took care of it. I went to valla and sat in the rock pools. And I sat with this weird feeling I was trying to process, almost like a shock? A numbness but in a beautiful place. I felt the sand on my hands and the water was warmer than I thought. I pondered why now did linden confess he has “feelings” and what that even means.

I decided to call my grandpa and went to pay him a visit. It’s too bad his partner talks her ear off to the point where I barely have a conversation with him. She poured me a sex on the beach though, and I left after some crackers, dip and plenty of one sided conversation feeling a wee bit tipsy. Drive was about an half and a half home. Not Terrible. But then I realise oh shit that eating disorder training is tomorrow and my account still isn’t working. Going to work to print things on my day off felt really weird and illegal lmao. But it so wasn’t. I then proceed to get some dinner but I’ve felt odd about like eating meat lately, I know it’s my fear of food poisoning so I order some hash browns. (Turns out that is a type of eating disorder hahaha)After driving around for 30 minutes to find an open McDonald’s that take like 10 minutes to make hash browns!

Get home and then it’s a gruelling two hour training for the prerequisites. It’s ok because my housemate and I are vaguely chatting about our dating life. She’s seeing this guy organises camel rides for a living and she was telling me about on the first date he showed up the house and asked to have a shower because he had to chase a loose camel 🐪 in the bushes lmaoooo

Anyway I end up matching with this social worker on bumble which is like crazy as f. Because I feel like that’s the definition of rare to find a single social worker who is male. He’s lovely, I can tell already and I’m stoked because if anything if found a relatable friend if not a date.

Anyway I’ve done my training ✅ Im getting some sleep before my face to face training tomorrow and I’ve decided to commit to daily journaling or every other day + healthy eating and somatic exercises in prep for my surgery and mental health care. No flimsy boundaries.

#personal #happy 2022

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casnovakisded · 7 years

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I’m back.

03/03/18 | 04:14am

So... life’s a bit shitty at the moment, and I just remembered that Tumblr exists.

I don’t really talk to anyone anymore and I think it would be good for me to vent to you guys. I had a meeting with a super sweet manager at work today and it gave me a little bit of hope. We touched on talking to people and just venting and how that can help, so i’m going to give it a go. Honestly, I think going through work to try and rebuild my mental health is my only viable option at the moment, which kind of sucks because I can’t often mentally deal with being at work right now. I’m getting ahead of myself - more on that later.

So, to those who may be reading this that don’t know me (If anyone’s reading this), i’ve been juggling anxiety, depression, (undiagnosed) bipolar, eating disorders and (undiagnosed) schizophrenia since I was around 14 (I’m 20, nearly 21 now), and i’ve only just started to try and get help.

I was forced to go to the doctors when I was younger by my mum when I opened up to her about harming. She told me that I was to stop, and if I didn’t, ‘they’ would come and take me away and lock me in a room until I was ‘better’. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame my mum at all for saying that. She panicked, and as far as i’m aware she’s never suffered with any mental health issues, so I don’t imagine there’s too much of an understanding there. She was trying to scare me out of it, but it just made me feel like I couldn’t talk about it. It kind of became a grey area that we just didn’t really discuss so I just got on with it and mostly just learned how to be secretive.

From that point on i’ve always told everyone of importance that i’m fine, because that’s better than being locked in a room until i’m better, y’know? Don’t get me wrong, I knew then and I know now that that’s not going to happen, and that I just need help, but I can’t say it doesn’t make me feel anxious every time I go to the doctors. It’s a feeling I don’t quite understand, but then again, I don’t really understand any of my feelings. Woo.

So from the beginning...

I started harming when I was around 14. I don’t really know why I did it - probably a mixture of being bored, sad and exposed to a lot of triggering material. Like I mentioned earlier, I opened up to my mum about it because we had a super good relationship, and I felt like I was lying to her in some way by not telling her that i’d done it. What was said was said, and that was that. I was made to go to a doctor’s appointment at 7.30am the next morning (Which was actually before the practice even opened so I think that was just a bit overboard tbh). I couldn’t understand a word of what the doctor was saying (that wasn’t meant in any kind of negative racial way, I just simply couldn’t understand what he was saying because of his heavy accent), I could just tell from his tone of voice that he was being patronising as fuck. By the end of the super drawn out and generally painful doctors appointment, I was referred to CAMHS. So off I went to this appointment with this top dog guy at CAMHS (We’d recently had a fair amount of young suicides in our area so they were pretty onit). It was an odd session. My mum was there and she was obviously going off on one about how terrible it was and how I had to stop, and then this doctor guy is trying to convince her to not take away my blades because at the end of the day, i’m only going to find something bigger and sharper.. oh it got interesting. I sat silent more or less the whole way through, but I smiled and I nodded and I said I felt fine when I needed to.

After this appointment, the doctor concluded that I had symptoms of anxiety and depression due to previous emotional trauma and that I could totally be fixed with counselling sessions from my school counsellor. I played along and I remember speaking to the woman once. Again - I smiled, and I nodded and I said I felt fine when I needed to.

I didn’t go again.

Having anxiety, depression and being bipolar all at the same time is just fucking exhausting.

First of all: depression. My depression makes me feel lazy, and menial tasks just seem like an awful lot of effort. I showered yesterday, for the first time in around a week and a half. My house hasn’t been cleaned in a loooong time. Talking? That’s becoming an effort (which is really annoying because my job requires me to talk to people all day. I’m still brushing my teeth every day though, so that’s good.

Anxiety. This makes me feel like nobody cares, that i’m a burden to everybody, everyone would be better off without me, people would prefer it if I wasn’t there, people are talking about me, people are making fun of me, people are looking at me and judging me. Anxiety also makes me bite my nails, a lot. I don’t even know how I bite my nails so far down, but it sometimes gets to the point where I just don’t have a nail at all - like literally at all. Anxiety also makes me feel nauseous, and sometimes it feels like the world is literally going to end. If you’ve ever had a near death experience and felt the sense of impending doom, that’s probably the best thing I can relate it to.

Lastly, bipolar. Oh the joys. So i’ve not been diagnosed with bipolar (As i’ve said, i’ve not really pursued help for my issues up until now), but one moment I will be on the highest high, nothing can defeat me, and i’m totally ready to face the world and whatever it wants to throw at me, and then the next moment everything’s gone grey and dull and the light at the end of my tunnel is actually a train that’s plummeting towards me, and I don’t want to move out of it’s way.

So. Fucking. Exhausting.

As you can imagine, having all of these all at once is just a big ol’ mess. It’s so draining (both mentally and physically), and it’s just proper difficult to try and balance all of the conflicting emotions.

Now imagine all of that, with an added voice in your head. Again, I’m not diagnosed with schizophrenia. It’s not something that was effecting me when I was younger, but it’s not something that i’ve managed to talk to anyone about yet either. There are very few people that do know this about me. It brings me back to my earlier point - if there’s one thing that’s going to get me locked in a room until i’m better, it’s hearing voices in my head that aren’t real - surely. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all the time - It’s mostly when i’m tired. I don’t even know if it’s schizophrenia, but what I do know is that when i’m in a bad way and i’ve had little sleep, I can hear a voice clear as day in my head. Mostly it just repeats things, usually what i’m thinking, usually not very nice things. It’s almost like your own inner voice, but it’s loud, as if i’m listening to it through headphones. It’s funny actually, i’m as good as deaf in my left ear, but I swear to god I can hear that voice in surround sound. I’ve been tired quite a lot lately, so y’know, that kind of sucks.

Eating disorders are just shit. There’s no other way to describe them. Whether you: restrict yourself, purge, fast, over eat, binge, or like myself, just don’t eat until someone forces you to, it’s all just really shit. It’s a mixture of an addiction, and extreme emotion. It’s a mixture of wanting to be as pretty and as perfect as you can be, and feeling like this is the only way you can make yourself worth something, whilst also feeling like you have to keep going, you owe it to yourself, you feel like you have no control if you slip up and eat. Obviously i’m aware that not eating is not healthy. I know that. You need to eat to stay alive and you can’t expect your body to function correctly if you don’t look after it, I know. I only have myself to blame for the fact that i’m dizzy all the time, and I always need to wee because the only thing I ever consume is tea, and that every time I stand up everything goes black for a short while - like when you get head rush from standing up to quick. As much as I know that all of this can just be solved by eating, what’s to say that’s going to be the better alternative? When I start putting on a fuck ton of weight because I feel too depressed and fed up to actually exercise and I inevitably start taking that out on myself, what position does that leave me in? I’d rather be sad and skinny than sad and fat. I guess my point is that eating disorders suck - they manipulate the way you see yourself and convince you that you’re never going to be good enough, for anyone.

I’ve always hated the way I look. I lost all of my hair (head, eyebrows, most of my eyelashes) when I was around 13 and this opened a whole new world to me. A whole world of bullies, unnecessary comments, staring, and laughing. My school made the situation a million times worse. Apparently it was too much of a distraction for me to sit in class with my bald head on show, so I was forced to wear a wig through school. I was given £500 from the school to spend on wigs, so I bought 2 of the exact same style.

They were horrible.

Wigs are uncomfortable. They’re hot and itchy, and they’re basically a massive flashy sign that says ‘bully me’ - great when you’re in a room full of other 13/14 year old kids that simply do not give a fuck about how you feel or how their comments may affect you.

Recent events over the last, let’s say, 4 years of my life have really fucked me up. I think i’m going to write a post for each event in the hopes that maybe writing down what happened will help me process it and eventually get over it, but I quite simply can not be bothered to do that right now after typing this essay.

In the last 4/5 months, i’ve been actively trying to work on my mental health through my GP/seeking help through work and friends. Well what a task it has been.

Originally, I was advised by a manager at work to go to my GP. I can’t quite remember whether I went to my GP or to the EAP line (Employee Assistance Programme - provided through work) first, but either way that was 4/5 months ago, and i’m still awaiting some kind of solution or action plan. I just feel defeated most of the time. It seems that every avenue I go down just gets blocked off - every turn is just a dead end and I can’t for the life of me figure it out. When I went to the doctors, they told me I had a ‘mood disorder’ and an ‘eating disorder’. I was signed off work for 2 weeks, and then instructed to make another appointment to go back to the GP (the first date they could see me was around 4 weeks after my return date to work from being signed off, so that was super good). When I went back to the GP, I was referred to IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) and SYEDA (South Yorkshire Eating Disorder Association). I was given a date, a time, and a name of a person that would be calling me from IAPT, and I was instructed to self refer myself to SYEDA. I was also given a fit note stating that amended/shorter hours could be beneficial. The date came for the IAPT phone call, but the phone never rang. I tried to chase them up, but apparently they weren’t allowed to discuss the account with me because it was booked through my GP. When I tried to get through to my GP, their line was just constantly engaged. When I had a look into SYEDA, the first thing that popped up in a banner across the top of the page was a message saying “Our waiting list is currently closed to all new referrals other than those referring from Barnsley”.

Well i’m not from Barnsley so that’s really great, thank you.

I went back to the doctors to let them know of my super successes with IAPT and SYEDA. To my surprise, apparently it was my fault that I had ‘missed my appointment’ with IAPT, even though I never actually received the call. All they could say about SYEDA was, ‘oh’.

When I finally had an assessment with IAPT, they said I had scored too high on their risk assessment and that someone would be in contact super quickly to talk to me about what we can do next, but i’m still awaiting that phone call.

I don’t even know how many phone calls and doctors appointments i’ve had. I just want someone to help. I feel absolutely drained and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just sat waiting. I’m not living because all I can focus on is trying to get through the day without breaking down into a big emotional mess.

I’m not actively suicidal all of the time, it’s more like.. if I was being held at gun point, I’d probably piss him/her off on purpose. Or, if a car was speeding towards me and I could probably jump out of the way in time, I think i’d just let it hit me.

I don’t know.

I’m lost.

I don’t really know what i’m doing on a day-to-day basis, and i’m currently just scraping by.

I guess i’ll keep you updated.

#depression #ana #help #mental health #eating disorder #recovery #anxiety #i'm sad

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desertbl00m · 7 years

Text

SNK OC profile (this is hella long, let me tell you now)

Thanks to @misa-misa-chi for giving me the link for this template: https://alicecantbestopped.deviantart.com/art/Attack-On-Titan-Blank-OC-Sheet-400915409.

It’s mad detailed and kinda forces you to think hard about who your oc is (kinda). So here’s mine-it’s by no means complete but whilst giving away as little as possible, i think there’s enough to get an idea about Nina’s character:

Name: Nina Were Meaning: Strong, graceful dreamer (not much of one, tho) Age: Almost 20 Gender: Female Birthday: 17th May Birthplace: Base metropolis, somewhere in the southern region of the Alpha-continent. Relationship Status: Single af (she is not good at relationships) Language(s) spoken: au variations of eight European languages, few words of au Japanese and her own native tongue Life-Long Dream: To build a plane and fly off the continent/ around the world Goal(s): Stay alive and get out Like(s): Sleeping, flying, milk, horses, machinery, rain and water in general Dislike(s): Secrecy/ Deceit, Liars, people who don’t value what they have, the cold, arrogance, black tea, unneeded self-exertion, being talked down to, being touched, Bad Habit(s): Endless sleeping, eating without chewing, skiving, tunes out a lot, will ignore you completely if she becomes mentally preoccupied/she thinks you’re talking rubbish, chews and gnaws on things to ward off hunger (even when there’s no need), walking around barefoot, popping her joints in and out. Hobbies: tinkering, drawing, cloud-watching, agriculture Fear(s): not knowing what’s going on, people suffering because of her, weakness Personality: (ISTP) seems quiet and unassuming but is in reality brash and upbeat. She can be very blunt and untactful but has an uncanny understanding of people once she gets talking with them. Is actually quite thoughtful and can pick up on true intentions and character very quickly. Has a quick and terrible temper-has a very short fuse except with people she knows well. Even though she gets on with most, she isn’t particularly sociable and keeps to herself mostly. Highly independent and doesn’t respond well to authority-doesn’t like following orders without good reason. Very impulsive, entirely self-driven and can be hard-headed. Is neither a team-player nor a leader-wouldn’t call her a lone wolf either. She’s like a delinquent? Prone to being wild and takes crazy risks. Cannot turn down a challenge. She relies heavily on her own instincts but will listen to and evaluate advice for herself if she thinks the giver has good enough wits. Surprisingly cynical and in rare moments is a real downer-slightly pessimistic.

Favourites Food(s): Sugary food, Milk, Cinnamon-flavoured anything Color(s): Blue, Gold and Green Season(s): Spring (summer’s is good too) Activities: Riding, doing tricks with 3D m-gear, tight-roping Time of Day: Midday-it’s the warmest Appearance- Height:156 cm Weight: varies greatly without almost no visible indication depending how much she eats; she often weighs a lot less/a lot more than she looks (from 47 to 70 kg) Hair style: curly and cropped short fn Hair Color: White, like a wee gran Eye Color: Amber-orange Skin Tone: Tan-brown, yellow/gold and blush undertones Body Shape/Build: Petite, short torso, hips are large in proportion to her body. Legs well built. Birth Marks: Nothing spectacular Scar(s): childhood scar on foot. There is more to be said but aargh spoilers Other: She generally has a sleepy or spaced out/ blank expression on her face Health- Memory (any issues with this?): She has photographic and Selective autobiographical memory-often means she can’t forget past trauma. Her cousin taught her a coping mechanism-‘the box’ where she shuts unwanted memories away. Sight (do you need glasses?): the opposite-vision is perfect and can see fairly well in the dark Mental (Any problems? Example: depression): Has bouts of confusion and withdrawal when she gets flashbacks of her past life. Physical (Do you take care of your body or harm it? Also include injuries): She stretches extensively and several times a day. Suffers from hyper mobility syndrome and sometimes gets joint pains. She would never voluntarily work out though. Forgets to eat a lot. Low stamina. Sleep patterns (how you sleep and how much rest do you get?): She could easily sleep through two straight days if you let her-she can’t get enough of it. Often falls asleep when she’s bored/ in the middle of training and other odd times which she can’t explain Allergies/Other: Nope

Abilities/Statistics (1- lowly skilled, 10- highly skilled and tell why) This is going to be hard-Nina’s performance really doesn’t fit into categories this easily. It also depends if she’s using her sword or using the standard two blades of the 3Dmg 3D Manoeuvring Gear: 8 once she got the hang of it Intelligence: 8-she has high awareness and knows what needs to be done almost instantly but often doesn’t use everything she gleans from a situation. Also doesn’t think of the bigger picture until a bit later. In terms of book work-if she wants to get something, she won’t stop until she’s an expert in that field. Not a classroom learner and isn’t bookish Martial Arts: 9-weak points are like magnets to her and she exploits the hell out of them. Fighting style is similar to Capoeira and good old street brawl. she tires easily though and aims to end fights quickly. Battle Skill: 10-she was top pre-combatant back home (I would say more but spoilers). Excels at ground and internal combat.(this is when using her sword-she is much less proficient with two, smaller blades about a 7) Agility: 8-10 (in terms of flexibility it’s gold, reflexes are sharp too) Strategy: 5-8 depending on her mind-set in the moment. Teamwork: 1 atm (she is awful, absolutely terrible with teamwork-been like this from childhood. I don’t know how to describe this-it isn’t arrogance or just foolhardiness-she’s really that impulsive and can’t think outside her own field of combat- it’s just a part of who she is.) Passion: this can be rock-bottom or 7ish- again depends on her motivation at the time. (she’s not passionate persay-dealing with titans is very matter of fact to her-get rid of them so you can get out) Affiliation: hmm…I sense spoilers Former Affiliation: Base Hunter Status (Alive, Missing, etc.): She alive

Relationships- Parent(s): Maxim Were and Nyo Alam Sibling(s): None Other Relative(s): Cousin-Lindia Were fn Love Interest: LOL Best Friend(s): Isach Hosef and Kiito Wep Friend(s): Nor and Kago Enemy(ies): no one rn (sometimes the whole world) Hero(es): nu-uh, she’s not idealistic like that but she did admire her father Rival(s):we shall see

This may or may not be updated…idk ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Template made by AliceCantBeStopped on DeviantArt

#snk oc #shingeki no kyojin #aot oc #snk fanfic #aot fanfic #sorry for the odd formatting #o_o

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stillkillinmehollis · 5 years

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ya killin me Hollis... so for that 1-98

99 Gay-ish Asks [x]

1) how tall are you?

like 5ft 3in. not tall at all

2) what is your body type?

I’m not sure if i fall under the “husky” category?

3) what is your favorite part about your body?

my legs are pretty solid and pretty brolic, so I guess we can go with that.

4) is your current hair color your natural hair color?

Negative.

5) are you more outgoing or more shy?

Definitely shy. But at work, I can sometimes fake the “outgoing” pretty okay

6) are you more femme or butch?

…. uhh… butch..ish… i guess?

7) are you tol or smol?

hella smol

8) wine mom or vodka aunt?

i mean.. I don’t drink so… neither…

9) weird habit?

I crack my knees

10) favorite meme?

oh man, too many to decide

11) do you sing in the shower?

not really anymore.

12) ever used a bow and arrow?

Merida has shown me a thing or two

13) are/were you a theatre kid?

never

14) have you ever seen a broadway musical?

In no particular order, I’ve seen: Wicked, Beauty & The Beast, Grease, and Mamma Mia

15) do you think musicals are cheesy?

i’m neutral

16) have you ever been a part of a protest or a march?

I did do the March For Life in high school (my stand on the situation has since changed).

17) favorite Cards Against Humanity Card?

it has been so long since I’ve last played CAH, that I don’t actually remember

18) last movie you watched?

Shrek.

19) behind the camera or in front of it?

i live behind a camera.

20) favorite tv show?

Bob’s Burgers is the show I currently watch most, so we’ll go with that.

21) meaning behind your url

it’s line from Carmilla

22) reason you joined tumblr

I think an at the time Buddy of mine told me about it and I should sign up. and i was like “aiite”

23) who’s your closest tumblr friend?

Zach, Laura, Kelli, Sky

24) what’s something most people love that you hate?

being the center of attention

25) have you ever taken narcotics?

I’m not big on drugs to any capacity… and avoid taking any if I don’t need to… and idek what actually is considered “narcotics”… so i really have no idea ?

26) have you had sex?

I have not.

27) have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

nothing “bad”, I don’t think. idk, I was never that “bad” of a kid.

28) worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?

i’ve never told this story to anyone before, but i completely forgot about it until right now. So in college, I told a professor that my (i think it was a final?) had gotten ruined by rain that got in my bag, and I tossed the papers. In truth, either I hadn’t done it or i hadn’t finished it.

29) describe your passion without mentioning it.

what am i even passionate about these days ?

30) describe your best friend.

His name is Zach, he was one of my college roommates. He’s the Felix to my Sarah, my baby brother in every way possible. He’s always there when I need him, and my personal cheerleader and biggest supporter. He’s also patiently impatient about me getting a girlfriend :p

31) give us one thing about you that no one knows.

please refer to question 28.

32) how do you feel right now?

I’m getting kinda sleepy… It is 3:35am after all. and I’m only not even a full 1/3rd of the way through these questions

33) what is your biggest fear?

Bees. Needles. Being Abandoned by people. Feelings.

34) what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Ocean Avenue, by Yellowcard. I have no idea why, but it gets me so hype while I’m driving, and gets me to pull my windows down and blast my music.

35) what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?

applying for the Disney College Program one last time.

36) have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?

haven’t we all at least once ?

37) something you fantasize about.

having an awesome girlfriend some day

38) last time you cried and why

a few days ago I cried out of frustration as I’m trying to figure out my living situation

39) what was the last thing that made you laugh?

the fact that you sent me as many questions as I sent you

40) do you really, truly miss someone right now?

it’s been five months since I lost my Pup, and I truly painfully miss her on the daily

41) who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

Zach.

42) the last time you felt broken?

a few nights ago, due to something that was said in a one on one with my leader

43) are you starting to realize anything?

slowly…

44) are you more dominant or more submissive?

I don’t think this applies?

45) i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank)

you can accept me, from my sarcasm to my mental health (or lack there of), everything in between and beyond

46) do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?

I’m here more for your maturity level then your actual age

47) describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.

I’m definitely not “in love” with anyone, and I avidly avoid the 5 letter C word.

48) do you have any kinks?

getting a good night’s sleep

49) first thing you notice in a person?

between their smile and their eyes

50) how can someone win your heart?

sarcasm

51) been rejected by a crush?

ugh, i hate the C word but yes, yes I have.

52) have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?

sure have !

53) would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

nope

54) is trust a big issue for you?

huge.

55) did you hang out with the person you like recently?

nope.

56) is confidence cute?

extremely

57) what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

i wouldn’t say anything… like if someone else makes them happy, i’m not gonna come between that

58) would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

no way

59) does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?

………..moving on

60) ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

my entire existence is generally embarrassing to anyone, so .. yeah lol

61) do you want to get married?

I’d like to.

62) worst thing you’ve ever done?

i have no idea what the number one worst thing is… and honestly I don’t even want to know

63) three things that turn you on.

when someone can confidently take charge of the room, a cute laugh, and sarcasm. (also, just want it to be known, none of these are “sexual” turn ons, but things that can turn me on to a person)

64) who do you hate?

that’s a story for another day

65) favorite term of endearment?

Dude (thats an endearing term, right?)

66) who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?

ohman… i’m not sure. Natalia Livingston (Emily Quartermaine, GH), maybe? Eva LaRue (Maria Santos, AMC)? Tamara Bruan (Carly Corinthos, GH)?

The soap ladies were/are pretty, and I was a wee gay, okay ?

67) intimidating girls or kind girls?

in fairness… i feel like all girls are intimidating to some degree or another.

68) what do you look for in a possible partner?

someone who makes me smile and laugh, someone who keeps me on my toes, someone who pushes me to be better. someone i can have fun with, be sarcastic with, and someone who can be sarcastic and witty back at me.

69) do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?

the personality behind the girl speaks volumes… also has a MAJOR affect on if i find her attractive or not.

70) are you good at flirting?

not even a little bit

71) who was the first person you came out to?

Tiffany.

72) do you have any friends who are wlw?

thankfully, most of them are !

73) is your crush wlw?

i hate the C word, but every girl I’ve had my eye on for one reason or another has turned out to be WLW.

74) last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?

i’ve honestly always been ace, whether I knew it or not.

75) write a short love poem to your crush/self?

i’m as good of a poet as I am expressing my feelings

spoiler: I’m not.

76) do you fall in love easily?

Situation depending, I can fall in LIKE or INFATUATION easily. but definitely not love.

77) is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

what’s a gay without some past trauma

78) are you good at hiding your feelings?

depends on the person and the feelings (but mostly, yes, I think so.)

79) are you a forgiving person?

For the most part, no. but it also depends on how bad you messed up… I can be, for the right person and the right circumstances.

80) what is your “type?”

idk if i have a strict “type”.

81) fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours?

the secret third option: play with her hair until she falls asleep in mine

82) tall girls or short girls?

yes

83) hugs or kisses?

i’m not always the greatest at physical contact, and the idea of my first kiss scares the actual shit out of me … so i guess hug for now?

84) twirl her around or get twirled?

please just me play with your hair

85) tummy kisses or thigh kisses?

uhhh… tummy ? i guess ? like i’m not out here trying to get in your thighs

86) hairline kisses or neck kisses?

is a hairline kiss the same a forehead kiss ?

87) play with her hair or stroke her tummy?

i refer you back to #84

88) making out or soft kisses?

soft

89) hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?

i’d probs prefer waist… i guess?

90) how confident are you in your sexuality?

110% confident i’m not sexually attracted to anyone

91) when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?

my dude. Pal. Bro. your boii gets the whole damn zoo in a stampede-that-killed-Mufasa style, and it turns her stomach upside down, inside out, all around, and breaks it into a million pieces.

92) have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?

yes I have, and yes I did.

93) how old were you when you realized you were into girls?

i was littttttle

94) most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?

exist

95) do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?

Laura/Carmilla. and yes.

96) what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?

No One really has ever said anything too aggravating to me about asexuality.

97) when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?

last night (Tuesday; July 23rd, ‘19)

98) what is love to you?

Love is… all the songs making sense (throwback reference, I couldn’t resist). Love is “whats mine can be ours”. Love is working together to give it your all.

#askbox #sn0wblinded #- that last question was hard #idk that much about love #tbh though... a lot of these were kind of hard.#Mandii Talks In Tags

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heart-of-dunbroch · 7 years

Photo

MERIDA DUNBROCH: CHARACTER SHEET

Wishing, wanting for something more, always better than I had before. Who knew these dreams would come true? And I run the red, won't stop at night, I don't care for traffic lights. Things ain't moving quick enough for me. I guess I've been running round town leaving my tracks, burning out rubber, Driving too fast But I've gotta slow right down.

ORIGINS & FAMILY: Name: Merida Elinor DunBroch Nickname: Mer, Mera, Reason for name: “Oooooh, don’t remind me!” -Merida Merida’s parents had their honeymoon in a sea-side town in Spain where, after a day full of riding on the beach, swimming, dancing and too much drink, Merida was conceived. Her mother is the one who named her, paying homage to Spain while deriving the name from the gaelic “Maighread” meaning ‘pearl.’ Birthday: March 21, 1998 Age: 19 Gender: Female Place of birth: Inverness, Scotland Places lived since: Merida has never moved anywhere, but she has spent a fair amount of time in London, Inverness, Edinburgh, Glasgow and the wild forests and highlands of Scotland. Number of siblings: She has three brothers who are currently 8 years old (and have a long way to go before they can begin training!) They are triplets: Hubert, Hamish and Harris.

Relationship with family (close? estranged?):

Mum-- Ah, Merida and her mother. Welcome to World War 3. When Merida was younger, she got along much better with her mum, enjoying her various lessons because, hey, they were fun back then. She loved learning how to sing and play guitar, how to take care of the horses, she loved the stories and histories of the Order of the Prince too. Sure, Merida was always rascally and always cut lessons short, but they were really close until Mer got to be around 8 or 9 and she wanted to spend all her time riding, exploring, and practicing archery. Now, she can’t for the life of her understand her mum, nor can Elinor understand her. And Elinor has gotten stricter and stricter with Merida the more she acts out which just creates a vicious cycle.

Da- On the flip side, Merida adores her father. He began to teach Merida how to shoot a bow and arrow when she was a wee thing as he didn’t have a son. Merida shares Fergus’s sense of humour and is equally as mischievous. They have a running game of pranks, the two of them, that’s been going on for over a decade now.

Her brothers- aye, y’mean those three red-headed bampots? They were born when Merida was 11 years old, coming out of nowhere, surprising everyone. And if you ask Merida, they’re worse than her when it comes to making trouble, not that her mum even notices. No, they can get away with it because they’re boys. Sexism, Merida cries. Though-- that aside, and though they’re pure terrors, she can count on her brothers to keep her secrets so long as she pays up. Fair’s fair anyway.

Uncle Lachlan- Mer’s uncle, the younger brother of Fergus. He’s a bit of a jakey himself, and too harsh on Lachlan. His wife left him years ago because of his drinking problem.

Lachlan- Merida’s cousin (son of Fergus’s brother) who is just a few months younger than her. He’s expected to eventually rise to be the new patriarch of the Dunbroch brood, but for all the metal in Mer’s blood, he’s got none of it. His first solo hunt ended in disaster and he’s been too scared to hunt ever since. He shares Merida’s love for horses though and she loves Lachlan for his support and friendship.

Aunt and Uncle MacDonald: On her mum’s side, Merida’s got Uncle Harris, her mum’s big brother, and his wife, Aunt Tamra. Uncle Harris disapproves of Merida’s behavior though Merida says that’s just because she can beat his own sons at any sport there is-- just watch!

Innis and Iain MacDonald: Her twin cousins who are just nine months her senior, which means she would be beatin’ their arses in every training session, field trip and tourney if given the chance. Both of ‘em are your typical MacDonald Knight-bros-- aggressive, short-tempered, proud. Both are skilled with longswords and tridents and know how to handle some heavy artillery because they’re often out on the lake, lookin’ for Nessie. But neither’s slain their first monster.

Senga MacDonald: just 15 and already a nail in Merida’s bum. Her little cousin’s everything a proper lady of the Order should be and likes to tease Merida that if Mer doesn’t take over Castle Cawdor, then she sure will. She’s got a crush on Donald MacIntosh though (who’s got a thing for Mer), so Mer gets a small sense of victory.

Robert “Rabbie” MacDonald: Merida’s 13 year old cousin who is getting ready to start his years in the Order and worships Innis and Iain.

Aunt Aileen and Uncle Quinn MacIntosh: Her mum’s younger sister, Aunt Aileen, married the youngest of the MacIntosh boys. Her Uncle Quinn is unfortunately been put in a wheelchair from the same run-in with Mor’du that took her father’s leg and because of it, they’ve never had kids. Despite that, he remains good friends with Fergus and is kinder to Merida than the MacDonald side of the family. Aileen however is as stern as her mother.

Uncle Robert and Aunt Moira MacIntosh: Related by marriage only, the eldest MacIntosh brother hates Fergus and the rest of the Dunbrochs for the accident that crippled his little brother. He is the father of Donald MacIntosh.

Donald “Donnie” MacIntosh: Related by marriage only, Merida’s “cousin” has had a thing for her for a while. He’s one of those boys who gets turned on the more Merida pinches, pushes, and slaps him around. He’s also a total numpty, though not half bad a warrior-- she’s begrudingly let him give her swordfighting lessons in secret (under their parents’ noses both) which she knows he only does because he likes her. Yuck.

Uncle Domnhall MacIntosh: Never married, Prince MacIntosh is the middle brother and a seasoned hunter. He’s famously slain not one but two unicorns. He’s a bit of a legend, and Merida wishes he didn’t hate the Dunbrochs so much for the whole Quinn accident.

Happiest memory: It’s a pretty recent one honestly-- when she entered the joust and won her first match and everyone cheered for her, even though they thought they were cheering for Lachlan. Merida finally felt seen for all that she had worked for and all that she was capable of.

Childhood trauma:A family camping trip when Merida was only 5 years old was interrupted by Mor’du coming to seek his revenge. Fergus lost his leg, Merida’s Uncle Quinn broke his back, and the family is still feeling the effects of the day even now.

Merida dreams about it sometimes, and remembers how she ran off into the woods. In her dream, its the will-o-the-wisps that guided her to safety, then distracted Mor’du so he would not find her.

PHYSICAL Height: 5’9 (thats right) Weight: 135-ish probably- all muscle baby Build: She works out every day and not just cardio but-- strength training and lifting and climbing. She loves to rock climb, swim, and ride as her main kind of activities. Not super fan of the ‘gym’ though she will go. Nationality: SCOTTISH Disabilities (physical or mental, including mental illnesses): Merida does have some mild dyslexia which made her get middling grades in school and also makes studying harder. One of the reasons she hates it. Her mum had her tested for ADHD but sorry Elinor, it’s just her personality lol (thanks Mum). Complexion (freckles, acne, skin tone, birth marks): She’s freckly on her nose and shoulders definitely and has lovely pink skin. Distinguishing facial features: Her hair-- always wild and curly with strands going this way and that-- are definitely her defining trait. She’s got lovely “cat eyes” though-- these squinty bright blue things that always got a hint of mischief in them. The freckles are cute too, though you got to get a bit closer to notice. Hair color: GINGER. Usual hair style: Merida either puts it all the way up on her head or wears it completely down. Her mum french braids it-- she hates this. She also hates straightening it and hates CURLING it because what’s the point it’s already curly !! Eye color: Gray-blue Glasses? Contacts?: No, she has very keen 20/20 vision. Style of dress/typical outfit(s): Tomboy for she. She loves jeans and overalls and things she can get messy-- big long coats, flannels, t-shirts. She despises bras and wears a lot of camisoles because of this. She loves baggy cargo pants with pockets too. She wears boy shirts a lOT and is a big fan of hats because it’s so cold and rainy in scotland always and hats hide the frizz of her hair. Course, she is often in riding pants because she’s on Angus so often. Typical style of shoes: Boots normally because she’s riding. She’s got a thing for all kinds of boots too and it’s one of the more girly things about her. She’ll do a nice boot with a strong block heel. On the flip side, no, get those other dressy heels back where they came from or so help me,,, Health (is this person usually sick? or very resilient?): Merida is a very healthy, robust girl, because she eats helluva lot of protein and is constantly very active. She is the type to deny when she is sick too because she hates just lying around. Grooming (does she/he wear makeup? shower daily? wear only clean clothes? pluck her eyebrows?): Merida actually likes showers and baths and she takes one near every day but she haaaates other kinds of grooming. She also hates make-up and has gotten eye infections from it. Jewelry? Tattoos? Piercings?: Merida got the family crest tattooed on her right hip where her mum couldn’t see (teehee). Her ears are pierced but she doesn’t wear earrings much. She also has a family ring that she fiddles with. Accent?: Very Strong. Sometimes you can’t understand her if she talks too fast. Unique mannerisms/physical habits: She twists and chews and pulls on her hair. It drove her mum crazy. Athletic?: SUPER athletic.

INTELLECT Level of education: Going to uni

Level of self esteem: Merida’s got pretty healthy-ish self-esteem though that’s probably because she’s a deeply angry person who wants to prove people wrong about her. She’s been criticized all her life by her mum, aunts and uncles, and all the other people in the Order for not fitting into their standards. Mer’s innate sense of self though is too strong to take them that seriously, though she does feel a little ugly sometimes (not that she’d ever admit it) and isn’t very comfortable being a “girl” (she doesn’t even know what that means). In fact, in settings with other “girls” she can feel out of place and comments can sting more than they should. She makes up for it by being a tomboy and rejecting a lot of these ‘girly’ things from the get-go. She assumes most girls are going to hate her honestly.

Gifts/talents: Mer is a quick learner, especially when it comes to coordination if that makes sense (she’s surprisingly graceful). She’s handy with the sword (not her weapon of choice), can hold her own in hand-to-hand combat, and is one of the best archers+riders in her age-group. Her other talents are singing and blacksmithery-- she’s only patient when she’s working at the forge. She can play guitar, but nothing too fancy.

Shortcomings: So many--Sewing, weaving, maths and english, public speaking isn’t great mostly because she can’t stay on topic, is hotheaded, stubborn, aggressive, prejudiced, holds grudges, proud, can be blunt, no real art skills, can have a bit of a nasty sense of humor, quick to anger, disorganized when unmotivated.

Style of speech (loud, mumbler, articulate, etc.): Merida is naturally loud and a bit of a rambler. Her mum always had to shhh her because she was shouting before she knew it.

“Left brain” or “right brain” thinker?: Merida is actually left-brained. She is driven by rules and logic and is more of a strategist than someone driven by emotion. Her emotions CAN override this when she’s especially upset-- sort of like anyone.

Artistic?: Besides singing and blacksmithery (which CAN be an art form), not really. Mathematical?: Nope Languages? English, Gaelic, doric, and Latin (a smiiiiidge of Danish) Makes decisions based mostly on emotions, or on logic?: You’d think emotions, and sometimes, yes, she can be pretty impulsive. But usually Merida is more of a logic person when it comes to day-to-day. Neuroses: Does nooot shaving your legs and armpits count? Life philosophy: You are in charge of your own destiny. Religious stance: Protestant, but not really Cautious or daring?: Daring! Optimist or pessimist?: Optimist Extrovert or introvert?: Extrovert for sure. Level of comfort with technology: Merida didn’t get to use lots of technology because the Order doesn’t fuck with it a lot, but she has a phone and she uses Instagram mostly under her mum’s nose. Her mum forbid her from getting an FB or a twitter too.

RELATIONSHIPS Current marital/relationship status: Single Sexual orientation: You tell me ugh. She does like boys though? I think? She thinks she’s straight idk. Past relationships:

She’s got this weird love/hate thing going on with Don, though it’s mostly hate on her side. She’s never dated because she’s not exactly permitted to, though she’s been asked out before from blokes outside the Order at her regular school because she’s ~not like other girls~

Her best friend Keegan and her kissed and could have been a thing but there was OOTP drama.

She also had a wee crush on Eric when he came to stay with her family for the summer, but it was mostly based on his skillz as a prince haha and she was so smol herself (11) it was sort of fanciful.

A social person? (popular, loner, some close friends, makes friends and then quickly drops them): Merida is quite social and did have some friends outside the Order, though they all thought she was a bit weird because she couldn’t do a lot of things they could do (like date or have an FB or go to school dances). She, strange enough, fit in more with nerds and geeks than the popular crowd because she was seen as ‘odd.’ She had a little group that liked to play tabletop games and cards, go hiking or swimming, and drink down at the pub-- Keegan (her best friend), Will, Aidan, and her lone female friend, Neve.

Most comfortable around (person): Lachlan, her cousin, is by far her favourite friend besides her own father and Keegan. Lachlan wins though because they are around the same age and he’s in the Order with her so she can feel free to be herself.

SECRETS Life goals: Be the very best like no one ever as-- aka to be a Prince and win the tourney for her da so the Dunbroch family can restore its honor!!!! Dreams: I mean same and honestly she always did kinda wanna go to just a regular ol college party… Greatest fears: That she’ll make everything worse for her family. That she isn’t good enough. That even her da will be disappointed in her. That ppl will see right through her/be right about her.

Most ashamed of: lowkey the fact she’s a girl? It’s fucked up as hell but there you have it. Also she really is uncomfortable with romance stuff, like she’s worried she’s a terrible kisser and doesn’t know how to Romance, not that she particularly wants to Romance.

Compulsions: Pulling/twisting her hair for sure.

Obsessions: Besides being a Prince? Uhhhh mmmm I don’t think she has -- Angus, she’s obsessed with Angus. Secret hobbies: Technically the whole training to be a prince thing is a massive secret-- I suppose her love for card games and stuff is kinda secret.

Secret skills: See: training to be a prince tho she’s not allowed

Crimes committed (and was he/she caught? charged?): It’s not a ‘real’ crime but training as a Prince is forbidden for girls and entering the joust was fraud and deception. She could have risked getting cut out of the Order completely. What he/she most wants to change about his/her current life: Merida desperately wants to be recognized for all that she can do-- not just her skills as a warrior, but as a leader and a voice that deserved to be heard. She would change her fate, she would make her family proud and respected within the Order too. What he/she most wants to change about his/her physical appearance: Merida mostly likes that she’s tall-- but also hates it. In her weakest moments, she wishes she was small, petite, feminine-- the stuff her mum wants for her. DETAILS/QUIRKS Night owl or early bird?: Early bird. She wakes up with the sun or even before it and is the first one to fall asleep at any parties. Light or heavy sleeper?: Overall pretty heavy because she exhausts herself but she does wake if she hears any too loud noise. Favorite food: A full Scottish breakfast-- sweetened porridge is her favourite bit of that, along with sausages. Least favorite food: Turnips, yuCK Favorite book: Merida is a bit of a history nerd so she likes reading nonfiction more than fiction. She really liked Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follet (and its sequel World Without End) for being a really interesting mix of history with fiction.

She probably has read the Game of Thrones books if they exist which they probably do hehe (#HouseStark)

Least favorite book: Most books out there. She has a personal grudge against poetry because she is forced to memorize and recite poems at Order events. Favorite movie: She rarely watches them, but probably Lord of the Rings tbh. “I AM NO MAN.” Least favorite movie: She’s not big into movies anyway so like??? Most of them?? Pride and Prejudice??? Favorite song: "The Ballad of Mor’du” which is a story-song passed down in the DunBrochs for a thousand years. Families add their own verses if they have fought Mor’du so Fergus has his VERY OWN VERSE. Least favorite song: idk like everything by ariana grande and like idk all those pop artists. Crunchy or smooth peanut butter?: Neither, she doesn’t LIKE peanut butter Lefty or righty?: Righty Favorite color: Green Cusser?: Yes, it’s very unlady like. Smoker? Drinker? Drug user?: She has smoked before but only socially and if her mum ever found out, she’d KILL her. She drinks a fair bit as a social activity too.

Biggest regret: At this point, its probably something small-- losing her first kiss to some dweeb in the Order, somethin’ like that.

Pets?: Angus is the only one that’s really hers, but the Dunbroch family had dogs too that she loved. Big animal girl.

#about #this is very long and is 100% just for me that's my disclaimer

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southcoastfires · 5 years

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Madness

There’s something else to talk about - the level of insecurity, the way that people who’ve always followed the instructions continue to think that this will keep them safe. The endless ‘if you’re feeling concerned or unsafe’ messages. People are so used to abrogating their sense of personal responsibility to an authority they have forgotten how to assess risk, real risk, for themselves.

There’s a term that’s used in many fields called the homeostasis of risk. This is where you add so many warning signs that people come to rely on them, and take greater risks, believing themselves to be better protected. The level of risk remains the same.

There’s another term I like too - security theatre. We have seen a lot of security theatre, which does a couple of things; First it reinforces your faith and trust in institutional authority, and second, it makes you feel comfortable. As my Old Da always said, it’s the government’s prerogative to convince you that you are weak.

And so it is. We’re now being endlessly entreated to seek mental health support. One article in a local news source specifically stated that the best way to deal with trauma, including hearing confronting (the euphemistic term) stories about environmental collapse, is to look after your own mental health. This both personalises the problem (remember, you cannot collectively do anything about climate change) and this is reinforced by our cult of the individual (your feelings are more important than your thinkings….in other words, your feelings about reality are as valid as reality itself). It also pathologises anger and grief, two potentially politically dangerous elements. We are neutralised by mental-health wellness-speak.

If one suggests for a moment that the whole mental health thing might just be an elaborate pantomime designed to convince us all that we’re both treasured individuals with nothing in common with anyone else (and therefore unable to mobilise for common aims) and also feeble and sick in the head, they’re accused of undermining the ‘very real’ pain and suffering experienced by the community. How dare you? Mental health is sacrosanct. Am I not aware that we have collectively handed our very personhoods over to the medical industrial complex so that they may determine the terms in which we understand ourselves? Maybe I need more yoga.

The irony is, of course, that there is very little in the way of mental health support. In fact, following the fires, the support was generally limited to phone numbers. Great, except no-one’s got any signal or power to charge their phone.

A few days after the NYE fire we went to Sydney. We’d run out the water, the looters were apparently roaming the streets which meant the cops were out in force, and of course, it was now open season on anyone who had ever said hello to a person with even a passing concern for trees, wildlife or a liveable ecosystem. We went to the climate change protest at the Sydney Town Hall. It was the first, and only time, I felt any sense of relief or support or help or hope during this whole clusterfuck.

Now, all that said, there is a touch of madness going around. I’m noticing this more and more. As we clock up more fire days I’ve noticed there are people who’re evacuating when they really don’t need to. I think they’re taking the security theatre too far. One woman I know evacuated a couple of days ago to a friend’s place in a suburb at the beach that’s already been thoroughly back-burned, and then, when she didn’t feel safe enough there she moved to the Golfie which was offering space for those evacuating to stay. There are many people like this, often women with their children, who’re evacuating more and more, documenting it on social media, going to the highest level of panic even in areas that aren’t at risk. I find this hard to take - it’s a bit like watching some of your friends get so panicked and exhausted and wrung out that they can no longer cope with the slightest threat.

The language of all the broadcasts is extremely frightening, the ‘messaging’ has to account for the absolute worst case scenario, and even then sometimes (like last week when Moruya came under ‘attack’ from the fire) it’s wrong. We are constantly hearing terms like ‘your life may be at risk’ and, ‘seek shelter as the fire arrives’. Anyone who was an adult in Australia for the Black Saturday bushfires knows that the fire ‘arriving’ is not a good scenario - that’s what I always think of when I hear that term, those people who were found boiled alive in their bathtubs.

I’m constantly thinking, every time we have a fire day, ‘What if this was the first, not the fifth? What if I didn’t have all those images in my head? What if I just had to make a judgement based on the information I’ve got?’. I try to make decisions that aren’t swayed or skewed by our recent experiences - or they are, but only in the strict Bayesian sense. This is another way of saying I’m trying not to lose my shit.

Other people have lost it in more predictable ways. People fight, there are people arguing, loudly at times at one another. I’ve never known a time when you could just walk down the road and hear people having a blue with one another. It’s the usual story - apply pressure and the fault-lines widen.

We’re also being told that we need to go back to normal. Even though there are no tourists, and everything is still weirdly quiet, and many people have lost so much casual work they’ve had to leave the area. School started on Thursday but on Friday all the schools were closed. Then Saturday was another fire day and now it’s Sunday and we’re all meant to be just getting ready to hop on the bus tomorrow and go back to normal.

My daughter lay in bed on Thursday night, after her first day back at school and told me about her new teacher and how cool he was. She also had a wee moan about the same group of meanies she’d been dealing with last year and how to ignore bullies. She told me she liked her lunch and that she had two notes in her bag about school supplies, and a log-in code for the class website. And then she asked me if we would be evacuating tomorrow, and if so, where would we be going. She wanted to know what the wind direction was meant to be because she didn’t want to think about it hitting her Grandpa’s house to the south of us. She’s worried that he might go to bed and not hear the fire coming because he takes his hearing aids out at night.

This is why people are leaving.

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thedivinefish · 5 years

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TGIWednesday and a download for releasing the effects of Mercury Retrograde

TGIWednesday News

So yes, with Mercury Retrograde, it’s generally an S-show for the rest of the month for most folks. Even my youngest son who is a Keto spartan eater, tried some of his daughters fast food (think highest quality place here) only to get headaches and stomach aches for the next 24 hours, after that he tripped on his daughter’s toy and broke his big toe all on the same day his A/C went out and it’s Summer in Florida folks which is like being in the Indonesian jungle! I asked him, “Do you understand what Mercury Retrograde is now?” and even he laughed. He and his older brother grew up on my special brand of woo-woo but both are super smart linear thinking (got great memories and height from their mom) but even still they will give pause to what Dad has to say because I speak with purpose. Not willy-nilly, not gossip. If I tell you something it is for the most part from spirit so you better listen up. All of the above is about communication and in today’s video we’ll address and ask to resolve Mercury Retrograde with Grace and Ease. Oh and check out my replay on Monday's "Let's Talk About It!" show with Dr. Sarah we talked a whole lot about muscle testing and we addressed clearing Mercury Retrograde and raging politics AND weather like earth quakes, hurricanes, tornados, flooding etc. Tons of stuff in today's e-newsletter and as always it free. Enjoy!! Please add Granny Ruth to your prayer list she fell and hurt her head and went to the ER but she should make a full and complete recovery. We already had one miracle in that she only needed three staples to her head wound and a shot and they sent her back home the same day. Please keep her in your prayers. ON DECK..... the audio mp3 "MyBeliefWorks™ for Restoring The Fountain of Youth" has been recorded and is getting prepped for the shop for release any day now - Here's what another early listener had to say: "Well Jimmy Mack, you've really done it this time. Your new mp3 managed to cover every single possible item that one could think of for "youthing it"! The little details seemed to matter more than ever. The next morning I still felt extremely positive and happy, almost childlike. I think I went back to infancy. It was a physical and mental feeling of being free and happy and deserving of it all! Yep, just like a kid, not over-thinking anything and living for the moment! This MP3 is truly delightful and powerful. Thank you so much Jimmy, I know you put a lot of work into this one!" - Catherine D. / Virginia

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For those who aren't familiar, here's the list of the MyBeliefWorks™ audio library. Find a topic that addresses your issue(s), click on the link to read more. We had a lot of help downloading & channeling these over the years & they keep getting better.

Abundance Abuse Addiction Body Scan: Head to Toe Daily GPS Reset Dark Energies/Fears Decision Making Diet & Exercise Education & Learning Family & Relatives The Gold Coin Healing Physical Body Healing Mental Stress Holiday Stress

Increasing Intuition IRS & Tax Time Love & Romance Money Mindset Moving Forward Pain Relief Pet Healing Sales & Success Sex Sleep Traveling w/Ease Work & Career Weight Loss

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