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helisol · 4 years ago

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dude im not sure you will get it after reading this either, but you Can read it now

okay so first of all do not expect me to adhere to rules of grammar or Proper capitalisation, I am writing from the heart

so it’s been said before by other people but if Quark and Odo didnt look like the aliens that they are but instead like two regular prettybois the fandom would do cartwheels over their dynamic and Not call them a crack ship. because really, their dynamic fucking SLAPS and I’m here to tell you Why.

their surface-level dynamic is “Respected and Talented Security Chief and Cunning Immoral Businessman who are in Love but pretend not to be” and that's just an off-brand version of enemies to lovers! which is excellent and for some people that’s all you really need to get invested in a ship.

but some people look at it and go “Hm, no, that’s not enough. I mean, they work as friends but it doesn’t really have to be romantic.” and to that I say you are Absolutely Valid, not everything has to be romantic.

it just so happens that these two fuckers have one of the most compelling romance stories ever, and it’d be a shame not to explore it.

so before I dive into the internalised homophobia and repression, I’d like to take a moment to talk about Quark as a character.

because if you have brainworms like me you can kind of see that its an honest to god greek tragedy.

this guy comes from a race of people where being kind, ethical and fair is considered Abnormal and Horrifying. and I’m not gonna call Quark out of all people kind, ethical or fair but,,,

you ever notice how he’s A Much Better Person Than Pretty Much All Other Ferengi?

dont get me wrong, Quark is still a bastard, but every once in a while his True Character shines through. and I say True Character because guys,,, the way he behaves around other people is an Act. he’s pretending to be something he’s not.

he has to try so hard to be a good ferengi it’s honestly painful to watch at times. because he is a SHIT ferengi!

he loves his friends- because that's what the ds9 crew are. they’re his friends! and it makes him miserable because that's not! normal! for a ferengi!

let’s compare Quark and Rom for a second.

Quark reeks of self loathing because a lot of the time he just Doesn’t act like a ferengi is supposed to, and this drives a lot of conflict in the show. he knows how a ferengi should act, it’s just that he can’t!! fucking!! do it!! but he still tries and tries to fit into that mold, which straight up ruins his life on multiple occasions.

Rom is also not a Model Ferengi, but he lives without hating himself. and it’s mostly because he doesn’t care about how a ferengi Should act, he’s loved and cared for even when everybody knows that he’s a shit ferengi! because his non-ferengi-ness works to his benefit. it encourages and highlights his abilities as an engineer. the success and love he finds make it easy for him to be content with his true self. Unlike Quark, who doesn’t get unconditional love from anyone.

its so!! tragic!! because you can see what Quark is really like!! his true self!! he’s a nice guy who cares for people!

its right there all the time and it's so blatantly obvious. especially in episodes like “Body Parts”, “Bar Association”, “The Way Of The Warrior” and “Ferengi Love Songs”

his own wiki page literally calls him “a compassionate and generous man by ferengi standards” which pretty much translates to “not really a good ferengi”.

anyway so Quark is a tragic figure or whatever but we’re actually here for the REPRESSED! HOMOSEXUAL! TENDENCIES! that he and Odo both exhibit.

with characters like garak you don’t really need to have brainrot to pick up on those tendencies, because that was something andrew robinson chose to do, on purpose.

and to be fair, Quark wasn’t intended to be Any kind of representation, not even by the actor. I’m just pointing out that he Does look and act and talk like a little gayman.

I will admit that he is Painfully Straight in the text of the show, but on a meta level he’s just. a dude who has a serious case of repressing his real personality. and taking it a step further- he also represses his feelings towards another man.

and that man is Odo.

a few things on him:

Odo is literally desperate to be a person. unlike Quark, who at least has the comfort of belonging to a society of people with a set of rules and expectations, Odo has never met anyone or anything like him in all his years of life.

like, we all know Odo basically grew up in a lab, right?

with people who didn’t know anything about him. who he was so unalike that they literally called him “Nothing”

but he still learned to look and talk and act like them (because if he didn’t he’d feel *pain* which is very fucked up by the way?)

so we know for a fact that Odo wants to be recognised as a person- which is why he tries really hard to conform to the ideals of the society that raised him. instead of exploring his nature as a shape shifter he maintains a humanoid form, picks up a job and creates an entire personality around what he wants to be seen as. but not what he really is.

and that's the thing that causes all the conflict between Quark and Odo. the type of person odo wants to be seen as is the polar opposite of whatever the fuck quark wants to be seen as.

In the same way that Quark acts like a Normal Ferengi, Odo acts like a Normal Security Officer. and in a cruel twist of fate, the Ferengi happens to be the antithesis of the Security Officer.

If you only look at them as the things they act like, and not the things they are, you might say they’re way too different to like each other, right?

but,,, if you think about the fact that they’re both putting on this act,,, this performance of idealised versions of themselves,,, you can see that they are The Same. They Are Both Gay Repressed Loser Aliens Who Try To Act Like Things That They Aren’t!

Imagine you’re Odo.

Imagine that you’re Nothing, because you’re not like anything anyone has ever seen- and because you are Nothing you don’t fall in love with anyone for years and years. since who could love something that isn’t like them at all?

But then one day this Thing shows up in your path and you just hate it. Because it’s not like anything *you* have ever seen. It’s disorderly and looks grotesque and it’s criminal to boot.

It’s all the things you learned would make a “Bad Person” It’s everything you aspire not to be, because if you were any of those things you would BE PUNISHED.

But the trouble is, eventually he’s not an “it” anymore, he’s “Quark” and you see him every day of your miserable little life because you live on the same damn station in space and it’s hard to avoid each other.

He also happens to be one of the only things in your life that are constant. He will never leave because he is stubborn and greedy and you just *hate him so much* that you’re convinced he must be doing all of it to spite you. And yet you also can’t seem to leave him alone.

So Odo Must Hate Quark. everything else is a non sequitur for him. he can’t not hate Quark.

because Quark is, and i’m sincerely sorry to apply christian fucking imagery to this, The Forbidden Fruit.

If he liked quark he’d admit some kind of moral failing. it would be the end of his act. but on the other hand...it might be a good thing, because at least he could have quark.

but Odo can never go through with biting into this apple because the consequences are horrifying to him. he could never have quark because, according to his performance, he would Never like quark to begin with.

and here’s a take for you: Odo's Brand Of Internalised Homophobia Doesn't Stem From Heteronormativity. It Stems From The Fact That He Was Kind Of Assigned Asexual At Birth.

and the show sort of alludes to this, for real! not just subtext! canon! except the writers used the wrong person.

because instead of Odo having these Forbidden Feelings for Quark he has them for,,, Kira.

but since this is My Quodo Manifesto you’ll understand that i am 100% willing to just toss that part of canon out the airlock.

so Odo does canonically have that mindset of “no one could ever love me” for decades he repressed any and all feelings of love to avoid getting hurt. in the show he breaks this cycle of repression when he takes a chance and enters a relationship with Kira. yay?

but we all know that aint it chief. and part of the reason why That Ship Ain’t It is the fact that Quark is Right There. and he is simply the more interesting choice for odo.

he and Odo literally share the same problem and have weird intertwined character arcs! they are both dreadfully afraid of not conforming to the ideal versions of themselves, so they reject everything that could challenge their Performance!

on some fucked up level they hate each other *and* themselves individually. and this hatred makes them reject parts of their real identities for the sake of protecting their image. which. yknow. in gay people. is internalised homophobia!

so you can see that they’re both repressing A Lot even if you view them as Friends, but the most important thing in this kind of romantic dynamic is usually,,, when the characters *stop* repressing.

and the thing is. the thing that Kills Me with these two. They Never Get That Moment. Thats Why You Need The Brainrot To See Them As Romantic.

The Ascent gives us an example of what happens when they both take their act too far. I mean, who could forget “Fascist!” and “Fraud!” That is what odo thinks of quark’s performance and vice versa, but we don’t really hear them adress the fact that they *are* playing these roles to a ridiculous extent.

We also never get an example of what would happen if they dropped their act instead of over-performing it. or rather we don’t get to see both of them drop it.

And the reason why we never get that moment is because there’s this one key difference between Quark and Odo.

Quark knows that he’s constantly repressing his true nature and his feelings for odo. We pretty much hear him say so in the iconic root beer scene in Way Of The Warrior. he knows that he’s not a good ferengi but he keeps up his act.

So quark is aware enough to feel that sweet sweet self loathing. But Odo isnt self loathing as much as he is just self sabotaging.

and this subtle difference between them is why, at the very end of the show, we get “That man loves me, can’t you see? It was written all over his back!”

this moment is quark dropping his act and asking odo to do the same. he wants to hear a genuine Goodbye from him because they have known each other for Decades and they are Friends. but odo is so unable to express the feelings he’s been repressing all these years. that he self sabotages again and just walks away.

even though this is like. very anticlimactic. considering I just spent 2000 words talking about how Odo and Quark are Most Certainly Gay For Each Other.

The fact that their ending is so Weird is the reason why quodo is so engaging and appealing to me? especially post-canon quodo.

like, the amount of “what if’s” this ship has are Astounding.

What if either of them had dropped their act a little sooner? What if they both did, for just a moment, and it was the straw that breaks the camels back?

What if Odo comes back after a few years? What if Quark comes to get him?

What if, in that moment in the finale where Quark drops his act, Odo had returned the gesture? What if Gag-Reel Quodo Kiss.gif Real?

with the depth that I read into their relationship, those what ifs are really fun to think about.

anyway its 1 am and i’m not an english major so literary analysis is not like, my strong suit. plus most of this was written in a late night screaming session with a friend who has the exact same opinions as me. i just think aliens hot and in love. thats all.

#the SOUND of my HEAD hitting my DESK with TERMINAL VELOCITY #quodo #star trek

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derekmorganscrocs · 4 years ago

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Nancy Drew 2x10

Thoughts While Watching

Spoiler Alert!!

YO- THE- WHAT IS THAT-

Pls the Ryan puns, I can’t even lmaooo. Wholesome Nancy? PLEASE LMAOOOOO OK OK THIS GIRL IS MAKING ME LAUGH. oh no- the straw: SHE KNOWS. ms reporter is gonna DNA test nancy.

Is aces contact info for his bro “long lost brother”? GEORGE IS A RENTAL CAR? Pls. George has abs- I think I have a crush ngl. Bess knows- ODETTE IS CRUSHING ON BESS. Nick and Bess are about to be sister wives no cap.

Apparently he is Tamura, not Tamara... I’ve been calling him the second this whole time- was no one gonna tell me?! Oh enemies to lovers 250k words I see how it is. JOKING, JOKING. We don’t ship nancy and tamura.

“I thought I smelled bacon” OH PERIOD GIL. Sass king, I love. Oh Nancy getting all up in his space is something else. Good to see that Gil is rockin with ghosts, as he should.

“Typical waitress occurrence” okay, Tamura is kind of growing on me. He’s a little funny. “Whatever do you mean, another?” Ace stop trying to lie please. HOW OLD IS TAMURA- oh he’s like a history guy... I really just thought he was like an eternal being for a sec. “the supernatural detective and the basic one”

OMG BESS IS FALLING FOR ODETTE IN GEORGE’s BODY. and nick is seeing a contractor. (Awkward thumbs up). I STILL THINK GRANT IS A MURDERER. pls Nancy’s lil cheesey smile is so cute and funny.

Ryan coming off all smoldery, okay Riley smith. Own that swag.

Bess falling over made me laugh. Odette coming thru with the skating skill. Odess? Bessdette?? I love. Ace’s brother??? ALCOHOL- ODETTE. ACE HELP A GIRL OUT HERE!!!?

Tamura got left at the alter. NO WAY I WAS RIGHT LMAO sorry Tamura lol I know you got left at the alter or whatever but I like being right. PLS HES SO SARCASTIC ABOUT THE DRESS THEORY NO- AHAHA HES KILLING ME. (poor word choice but the point stands).

OH NO I SAW THIS NICK CLIP ON THE IG- IF THIS BITCH LIGHTS MY MAN ON FIRE I STG. NAH NAH NAH HES STUCK IN THERE. WITH A MURDERER.

OH M G. I SAW GAY SO I SAID GAY. THEYRE IN LOVE. ODETTE AND BESS IS SO CUTE. I love the French accent too.

OH NO NICK- DON’T GET LIT ON FIRE MAN, YEAH DUH THE DOOR IS WELDED SHUT- OH THEY BUSTED THAT DOWN LIKE NOTHING. Fire extinguisher fight.

SALT AND BURN, HOES. WHY WOULD YOU BREATHE IN THE SMOKE WTF

My girl nancy just fainted omg. I’m cackling at the prospect of what’s about to happen. BESS AND GEORGE GOT ARRESTED- GEORGES HAIR. what’s going on rn. “My face isn’t working yet” MOOD.

IM CACKLING OMFG TAMURA SLOW MO- pack it up property brother number three. “Were you just waking in slow motion” MY GIRL IS STRUGGLING. she’s trying so hard. GIL TOO- OKAY BUT GIL IS HOT- “so smoldery” YES MAAM HE IS. GOOD TASTE GIRL. She’s petting him? “No seriously get me away from them” the way she said that is sending me- she’s so freaked.

FANSON RIGHTS!! NANCY NOOOO. NO NANCY. STOP PETTING GEORGE’s BOYFRIEND PLEASE NANCY. THE HAIR- THE HAIR. I don’t blame her not gonna lie, I would also want to touch his hair. “I’ll kill Annette” MAAM JEALOUS MUCH OMFG. “Your palms are really sweaty” ACE STOP OMFG. Wow sis snapped there omg.

They locked her... in the freezer.

He FOUND the brother- ACE HARDY ACE HARDY ACE HARDY PLEASE. Ace half Hardy? Okay we’ve paused the show so I can do some math: so Ace’s dad was the Marshall for mom 1 and father to brother. And also father to ace but different mother. Okay we got it. Bess and Ace are such a cute friendship.

Aw FANSON YAY. “We’re gonna work on it okay? And we’re gonna get better at it.” PLEASE SOMEONE TALK TO ME LIKE THAT OMG. o nancy ruined the moment.

“She’s okay. Just a lil boy crazy” RYAN IS SO CONFUSED OMG.

Nancy having a breakdown in the freezer is a mood. Is she about to stab someone- NO SHES BREAKING OUT OF THE FREEZER. THEYRE ALL THERE OH NO. why’d she go over the railing like that I’m laughing so hard- SHE JUST BODY SLAMMED GEORGE OMFG IM SCREAMING LMAO

OH GOD THEY CAN HEAR GEORGE AND NANCY FIGHTING FROM THE FRONT- i love the absolute dragging that’s going on here, honestly vibes. it’s like they’re feeding a child.

The girls are fighting (Tamura and Gil) NICK JUST KICKED THEM OUT.

I thought she was gonna escape lmao. WHY DOES SHE RUN LIKE THAT OMG AHAHHAHA. oh no Tamura is... they’re gonna kiss Rn I’m gonna barf ew. STOP MOVING SO SLOW JUST GET IT OVER WITH SO I CAN LOOK AWAY PLS. oh nvm she’s good now. She just dipped and Tamura is like: what now

LOVE THIS GIRL TALK OMG. YES PLS NANCY. Did George just emoji? AW GIRL HUG. I love the friend moment here, pls the sleuth sisters are the CUTEST trio.

HIS BROTHER IS IN TOWN? PETTY BESS I LOVE HER.

aw poor Tamura... oh no omg I actually feel bad for him now :( aw besties!!! Teamwork moment here, I love. HE TOTALLY HAS A CRUSH ON NANCY AND IDK HOW TO FEEL 😭

WHAT OMG DID ACES DAD GET KIDNAPPED? That might just be an old photo I’m kinda dumb ngl

NANCY CHOSE GIL? ARE THEY ABOUT TO KISS RIGHT- yup they just kissed.

RYAN IS SMILING WHEN HES TEXTING HER OH NO. HES GONNA GET HIS HEART BROKEN 😭

DAMN IT VAL. NO NEED TO OUT NANCY AS THE GRANDCHILD, HOLY CRAP.

Okay, so the episode is over, but I KNEW one of them was gonna fall in love with a ghost. KNEW IT! But on the down low, Bess and Odette are cute.

Sister:

Literal GASP at Ryan’s photo shoot. Like sat up like she rose from the dead and gasped SO LOUD- Yeah we’re both Riley smith groupies, what about it.

(When they locked nancy in the freezer) “I gotta ask. Is the meat hook still in there?”

Here are some more (ignore the contact image please lmao the vibe in my phone is random pics of my friends/family):

So the only explanation you really need is she LOVES Riley Smith, and is definitely crushing on Ryan lmao. She literally GASPED so loud at model Ryan.

And she’s not a huge fan of Tamura x Nancy. Tbh idk how I feel yet.

#nancy drew #nancy drew cw #ned nickerson #ace nancy drew #alex saxon #bess marvin #george fan #george fayne #nick nancy drew #leah lewis #madison jazaini #tunji kasim #ryan hudson #riley smith #detective tamura #odette lamar

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spircling · 4 years ago

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[ ZOEY DEUTCH / POLYTROPOS / HEBE / MUSE 21 ] / [ ESTHER GOODWIN ] is a [ TWENTY-ONE ] year old [ ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCE ] major. [ SHE ] is/are known for being [ CREATIVE & LOYAL ] but [ SCATTERBRAINED & IMPULSIVE ]. when i think of them, i imagine [ OVERSTUFFED SUITCASES, RAMBLING FOR LONGER THAN YOU REALIZED, & LOTS OF EARRINGS ]. and even though they’re a proud HU student now, we all have our roots. theirs run back to them being a [ MHP (AQUA) ] graduate. i asked around and it turns out they [ AREN’T ] an AOP student. in their interview, they managed to woo the admissions team by [ WOWING THEM WITH HER KNOWLEDGE OF GHOSTS AND HAUNTINGS ]. i guess that’s all there is to know! unless…

uhhh hi hello, i am lena and i am stoked as fuck to be here ! i have ms. esther who is... one of my most precious and chaotic muses- i wrote this mostly at 3am so bear with me, below the cut are some things etc etc, plz love us xoxo

tw: eating disorder mention

basics: full name: esther emerald goodwin birthday: january 27 (aquarius) hometown: silver city, nm sexuality: pansexual, panromantic positive traits: kind-hearted, accepting, loyal, creative negative traits: impulsive, indecisive, scatterbrained, oversensitive hogwarts house: hufflepuff moral alignment: chaotic good

background: - was born to two hippies in new mexico - her parents were constantly moving around, livin a nomadic lifestyle and bringing their kid with them (but her paternal grandparents own a home and always made sure that esther had a safe place to come back to if she needed it bc they are, thankfully, loaded) - her parents NEVER disciplined her and treated her more like a friend, so esther has rly never learned how to be a Real Adult - her parents pulled her out of schools ALL the time to travel and go to a new one bc they said that was a better education than actual school - she used to play the bongos on street corners while her mom played a guitar and her dad sang and that’s how she got an allowance, she’s never had an actual job (tgod her grandparents had money and supported her, they ADORE esther, she’s their only grandchild) - it was only when she got to mhp that she stayed for anywhere longer than a year, it was the first place she got to be long-term - her dad went to mhp and, so, her grandparents were like esther will too and she was like chill, cool, sounds fun - tw eating disorder since sophomore year of hs, esther has struggled a lot w her body image; she was in a relationship with a rly shitty guy and she started feeling less and less confident and she fell into patterns of disordered eating; she started seeing a therapist, she’s doing a LOT better now, but still struggles sometimes - ANYWAY, heavy stuff over - esther literally cannot believe that she got into this school and she has to try RLY hard to make good grades bc she’s not just ~naturally~ gifted with academics - she spends her days studying, ghosthunting, and telling everybody to SAVE THE BEES - she wants to use her environmental science degree to basically think of more ways to conserve bees’ habitat and to try and stop climate change, she loves the earth

personality: - very optimistic, positive person- LOVES life - not the Most intelligent- well, bookwise at least, she knows a lot about the world, she’s survived so far SO - participates in activism, is a ‘save the bees’ type bitch and does a lot of environmental/climate activism- thus why her major is environmental science - literally has a tattoo of two bees on her wrist - a… meme of a human - pansexual (me? playing a straight chara?? not in THIS gay lifetime!!) - very sweet - kinda a Dumb Bitch - can be Quite annoying- very overbearing, wants to be friends w and talk to everyone - very flighty and all over the place, ALWAYS needs to be moving - also… kinda sensitive, not ashamed of crying - is a ghost hunter for fun and has a podcast where she talks about ghosts and whatever the fuck else she wants - snap decisions?? her Brand !! - is a Good Friend and is always willing to be there for the people she cares about - has trust issues and is bad at relationships bc she always snaps into flight mode and peaces tf out bc she is SCARED

possible connections: - best friends- give the girl her PEOPLE, her pals she does stupid shit w and can rely on for anything and everything - exes- esther likes the idea of a relationship, but doesn’t know how to be in a stable one- also ex plots FUEL me so ???? plz?? - ghost hunting buddy- give her a podcast co-host thanks - hookups/fwbs- esther is… not smooth, but she is a people person and likes sex SO - flirtatious friendship- esther is close enough w this person that she is NOT a totally awkward human, they just tease one another and flirt constantly - skeptics- give her someone that doesn’t believe in ghosts- she will try to convince you otherwise At All Times - enemies- esther doesn’t ???? hold grudges or hate anyone but ??? she can be Too Much for some people

but, ya know, i’m down for anything!! so give me a like or come find me via ims, discord, or carrier pigeon! xoxo byeeeeee

#hatchet:intro

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sadncssfossilized · 5 years ago

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sexuality troubles.

i’m so fucking confused. being non-binary/trans makes everything so fucking hard. i don’t know where i fit... anywhere on the sexuality spectrum. i have no idea if all of my attraction to men is real or if i’m forcing it on myself bc im afab. i don’t know if i’m bi. ive always wanted to be attractive to men ever since i was small i think as a coping mechanism because of trauma. but i’m also extremely scared of older men, even if i do find celebrities attractive. but a lot of male celebrities i straight up DONT find attractive at all, they’re like cardboard to me. i don’t know if that’s because i think a lot of hollywood white men hearththrobs look extremely bland/the same bc white society or if there’s something genuinely off with my attraction to men meter. ive heard people say that not being able to process whether a man is attractive or not is a lesbian thing. but i don’t feel like a lesbian. i don’t feel female. i love women, i have always known that, but i don’t feel like a woman and i don’t want to be a woman. i want to look masculine. i want to be masculine. i don’t want to be a girl anymore. i don’t want to be a man, completely, i just want to be.... not a woman. not a man. a nothing.

is it a preference or am i only attracted to women?? i loved being bi. i love the flag i love the options, and i don’t really process people’s gender’s except on a social level. ive never been close with ANY boys across my life, or even more than acquaintances because of my shy and reserved nature and i’ve never connected with any on a personal level both because of fear, being flustered, and feeling like they’re cooler and more superior to be and genuinely a different species so to say, so i don’t know if that has to do with my fear of being sexually involved with them. i’m always afraid men want the worst from me, and i always get the feeling that they are judging me based on my attractiveness to them and discard me mentally as soon as i am not and i hate that so much. i think because i’ve never known a boy truly and deeply, i keep prejudices against them and don’t think that they are as compassionate or HUMAN as non-men. but at the same time, i’ve always felt called to get self worth from their attraction to me. literally since pre-elementary. even if i think a guy is ugly i still base my worth off of if he’s attracted to me?? it’s automatic, and fucked up. i’m scared to go further than flirt with a boy. i’m scared to mess up conversationally , i’m scared of entering a relationship with one especially because i’d be the “woman” in it, and i don’t want to be fucked like a man fucks a woman. i want a queer man so i can feel safe and normal around him. straight men are an enigma to me. they scare me so much with their lack of societal awareness and cruelty. i feel like they don’t GET IT you know? but if i ever was to date one, since i’m pre transition and in the closet i’d have to pretend to be a woman and pretend to be okay with that. the idea of a man taking me like i was a woman makes me want to hurl.... that’s not the relationship dynamic i want at all.

all of my emotions toward men are so fucking conflicting. ive dreamed of kissing men before, fantasized about being soft with them, holding their hand, cupping their face and kissing them gently, but if they’re an irl i never fantasize about what they would be like sexually, land the idea kind of off puts/repulses me in a way. thinking of my irl women crushes kind of makes me feel the same way, but i’m more open to the possibility of that? ive never had a relationship with a man and only probably had like 1 male friend across my entire life, so my fear could be because of trauma + fear of the unknown + bc of my prejudices bc of my lack of experience + dysphoria. meanwhile, i’ve had 1 girlfriend and all of my friends have been female my whole life. ive just NEVER been comfortable around boys/men. which i feel like is less indicative of lesbianism and more of like. trauma haha. i sexualized myself at such a young age to cater to the boys around me and even to the adult men around me, it hurts to think about. i hate how trauma complicates everything. i don’t know why i have that impulse, i don’t know why it started. ive just never felt safe around a boy. i feel like they always want something from me. ive been attracted to them but i’m soo scared o f them. like, i always have something to prove, whether it be my personality or humor or attractiveness, just to stay in their presence.

nsfw incoming.

ive tried to jack off to a lot of gay porn and i think my men attraction meter is broken because so many of the men in gay porn are ugly/unattractive to me. straight up. in their face, and body. and the body ideals in the gay community, where i would fit in post transition, don’t.... resonate with me. like not to be crude but a lot of the body types of the men in here are unattractive to me, but then again it’s white dominated and caters to a very specific vision of a huge bubble butt, way huge thighs, overly ripped chest, bland ass white boy faces paired with ugly haircuts. is this what i’m supposed to be attracted to? the men i’ve been attracted to irl do not look like that. the men in gay porn are all so passionless too. (which is honestly an issue i have that makes jacking off to women in porn sort of difficult too??) i don’t know. i don’t feel like i’m attracted to men the same way gay men are. but then again, how would i know that? i don’t know any actual gay men. i just know from some porn blogs? some pornhub videos? i don’t fucking know. i jack off to images/videos of men very few times compared to how much i get off to women bc of my particularity . it’s more difficult, but it’s easier by when i think about how the man feels, like his pleasure, his sounds, his expressions, rather than the aesthetics of it all. not to say i don’t appreciate the aesthetics of some nice men- chris evans, frank ocean, rob mcelhenney, taika waititi, nice. which sounds like a very non-lesbian thing to say i would think, but i know a ton of lesbians who talk about celebrity men super raunchily and stuff, so i don’t know anymore and i don’t think i know enough about lesbianism to know whether these are lesbian experiences or not. the majority of men content ive jacked off to has been gay fan fiction, and that has actually been easy to get off to bc of the descriptions and the i can visualize characters and passion the way i want. it’s harder to do it with actual videos/images of men, because it’s so different in my mind and imagination m, but that may be bc gay porn can involve a lot of roughness/impersonal-ness? also i feel like i still have a certain degree of internalized homophobia toward both wlw AND mlm despite working through my acceptance of my sexuality for a number of years.

i just want a person. but i don’t know if it’s beyond my control who i’m sexually attracted to. my sexual attraction to men is a lot lower than to women, and it’s a lot easier for me to make them bland in my head and not be able to point out a unique thing about them . i feel like girls are more... distinct/easily alluring to me than most men you know. that may also be affected by how women actually know how to dress and look unique and men don’t really shift from 1 bland societal style, i don’t know. i don’t know. i want to be attracted to men. as a transmasc, i want to be gay. i don’t want to be straight. ive been gay all my life, and i don’t want to leave that label. i want softness and love. but men scare me, and i don’t know if it’s because of a tragic coalescence of bad life experiences (or lack thereof) or because of genuine lesbianism. ive talked so much about being bi, and even been called a confused lesbian before by transphobes, and ever since they said it i cant stop questioning. i feel like at this point i HAVE to be a lesbian or something, bc that’s how this shit goes in movies and stories. i don’t want to be a lesbian. i want to be attracted to men, i wanna be bi and be equally attracted to both, i want experiences with both in my mind, but irl i get so fucking scared and i don’t want anything to do with it. i don’t wanna be a straight transmasc and i also don’t want to become what transphobes have spent their time telling me i am. i want to be what i’ve always thought i’ve been, bisexual and transmasc. i was comfortable with bisexual, until everybody else kept telling me to question and it’s been eating me alive since. fuck. i don’t know anything. is this a preference and bad combination of a huge number of deeper factors or am i straight up NATURALLY not attracted to men? have i been lying to mhself? have all my attractions in the past been fake? this is gonna sound terrible but i don’t want to be a lesbian. it doesn’t feel right. and id be proving the horrible people right, and have to retract everything i’ve ever said about being bi to my following on my other social media. and i’ve said a LOT. and i’d also have to give up my admiration of my irl men crushes and male celebrities and their sexiness. all of this shit is so ridiculous but at least i’m being honest with myself with this post. someone help me haha

#questioning #lesbian #trans masc #nonbinary #bisexual #transmasc #trans man #help #lgbtq #queer #trans #rambles

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emotionsofthesoul · 5 years ago

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Chapter 32 _ Los Niños

“Juliana it was magical! You need to go! I’ll even cover for you if you need to take the day off but I need you to see it, you’ll fall in love with Anya all over again, I promise you!” Juliana’s coworker, Andrea, insisted as she told her about the Anastasia play. The closest tour stop was in San Francisco, and they would be there through the 29th of September.

Juliana and Andrea had bonded over the Anastasia movie since they began working together. “Drea, I can’t aford $300 tickets to a play, even if it is THAT play… I have bills to pay dude. I’d love to go but I can’t.”

“Baby doll! They’re only $45 dollars!” Andrea said, “Even if they were $300 I’m sure your sugar mamma would be more than happy to take you.” Andrea finished jokingly.

Juliana let out a loud chuckle and smacked Andrea’s upper arm. “Shut up, don’t call her that!”

“So are you gonna go or what? Make it an early birthday present for yourself, J? I’ll even babysit the kids if you need me to.” Andrea said in a very serious tone.

“What kids?” Juliana asked confused causing Andrea to break into a fit of laughter.

Grabbing ahold of Juliana’s shoulders, Andrea shook her dramatically, “exactly! You don’t have any! No one is stopping you, J! Grab your girl and go, have fun. Do something for you, dude.”

Juliana laughed, she truly enjoyed Andrea’s company. She was one of the most optimistic people she had ever met. That girl had a solution to everything and she always found a positive to every negative situation.

“Okay, you’re right I’ve been dying to see it and was completely devastated when it was no longer on Broadway. It’s not that far, I’ll talk with Valentina and see if we can go this weekend. Thank you, Drea, I’ll tell her you’ll watch the kids she’ll be so happy to get away from them for a few hours.” Juliana said still playing along as she packed up her stuff.

As the girls closed up the shop Andrea nodded to herself satisfied that her work had been done. “We can fangirl about it when you get back. Because believe me when I say Tommy isn’t the type of twin to fangirl with me, he only took me because it was our birthday and he knew I wouldn’t shut up about it otherwise.”

Juliana looked up as she found her car keys to see Valentina leaning against her Mustang.

“Im gonna get going, I’ll see you tomorrow, boo.” Andrea said giving Juliana a hug as she turned to Valentina and greeted her with a happy smile and a peace sign, “Hi Valentina, bye Valentina.”

Juliana smiled as Andrea walked away. She turned to look at Valentina throwing daggers at Andrea with her eyes. “Hi Val, what are you doing here?” When she didn’t get a response she got on her tippy toes and gave Valentina a subtle peck on the cheek.

With that, Valentina looked down and smiled at Juliana. “Hi.”

“Why don’t you like her?” Juliana asked letting out a small giggle.

“I never said I didn’t like her.” Valentina said avoiding Juliana’s eye contact.

Juliana threw her head back laughing, “yeah, tell that to your face, babe.”

Valentina crossed her arms and pouted not wanting to admit she was jealous of Juliana’s coworker. “She’s just too friendly, it seems fake.”

“Drea is one of the more genuine people I know, baby. She really likes you, and she’s a really good friend.” Juliana said unlocking the passenger door.

“Are you sure it’s not you she likes?” Valentina said observing Juliana as she unlocked the car.

As the words left Valentina’s mouth, Juliana tensed a bit and she raised her eyebrow. “Valentina, we’re not doing this out here, get in the car.”

Knowing Juliana was not playing Valentina did as she was told while Juliana went around and got in the car, herself.

“I don’t know why you don’t like her Valentina but you don’t know her. For starters she’s engaged to a guy and she’s straighter than Eva. Second you might not know her but you know me. Or at least you should. I’ve never once given you a reason to doubt me. This jealousy thing is a joke and I’m not laughing. It was cute at first but if you’re seriously jealous of Andrea, what the hell Valentina?”

Valentina didn’t know how to respond to that. It was the first time Juliana got upset with her over something like this and she didn’t know what to do. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I just don’t like the idea of someone else having you. She get’s under my skin with how annoyingly attached she thinks she can be with you.”

“Valentina, what are you talking about? We’re friends, Andrea is only my friend. I’m allowed to have friends, as are you. I’m yours and I’ve never given you a reason to think I’d run off with someone else. I’m not liking jealous you. You need to chill.” Juliana said running a hand threw her hair, irritated with Valentina’s jealousy. “Why are you here anyway? If you just came para hacerme una escena de celos, you should go because I don’t wanna argue with you but I’m not gonna feed your little celos either.”

“Juls, you’re right, I messed up, I’m sorry. That’s not what I came for.” Valentina said looking up from her lap. She turned her body towards Juliana. “Juliana, I’m sorry. I was actually here to invite you to the loft, Guille is having a little dinner to celebrate the baby news and I came to see if you were in the mood to go but now…”

Juliana observed Valentina’s face. It was full of regret and those big blue orbs were looking straight into her eyes.

Drawing in a sign, Juliana brought her hand up towards Valentina’s cheek, “Val, I’m sorry if I overreacted but I’m just not okay with this attitude. You have no reason to be jealous, especially of Andrea of all people. You don’t have to like it her but don’t villainize her either, please. She’s not after your girl. She’s not even gay for crying out loud.” Juliana caressed Valentina’s cheek as she spoke. “Imagine if I went off and was crazy jealous over Hope when she first got back from Europe. She’s super touchy with you but I know what we have and I know that the end of the day, she’s your best friend but I’m your girlfriend. And I know you wouldn’t be dumb enough to mess up what we’ve fought so hard for. So I need you to do the same. I need you to trust me.”

Valentina nodded closing her eyes for a few seconds before opening them again. “Okay. I trust you, I might not trust the world but I trust you.”

“That’s all I ask.” Juliana said as she brought Valentina in for a kiss.

After their conversation they headed over to loft with the rest of the Carvajal family. Eva, who Valentina truly thought wouldn’t show, was there happy to celebrate with her brother. She was really making the effort of trying to get closer to Renata and Lusia. The two were more than welcoming but still kept their distance before fully trusting the eldest Carvajal sibling.

On their way to Juliana’s apartment from the dinner Juliana told Valentina all about the Anastasia play. She told her they could leave Sunday morning to make it in time for the 2pm show. It was 2 and a half hours and Valentina was on board. She knew how much that story meant to Juliana and if she wanted to attend she wouldn’t stop her or turn her invitation down.

When Sunday came around the two made the drive. She knew Juliana had never been to San Francisco so Valentina offered to drive. The whole ride there they talked animatedly and listened to music from their favorite artists.

Upon arrival the girls went straight to their seats. They were in the second row and thankfully there were two empty seats in front of them, giving them a clear view of the stage.

Once the play was over, Juliana had shed many tears and was grateful that Valentina would agree to see the play with her. On the ride back they talked about the different scenes they loved and Juliana emphasized her love for the costumes and backdrops. She had never been to the theatre or seen a play and she was glad Anastasia was her first.

Juliana spoke about how Demitri’s character grew on her. The entire drive home they listened the play's soundtrack. They sang along to most of them but especial Once Upon A December. That was one of the only songs Valentina knew by heart and she loved to see Juliana’s face light up when she sang along to it so she made sure to sing it every single time it came on.

“Thank you for coming with me, Val. This was the only play I would’ve paid to watch in New York but I’m so glad it was here and not as expensive as it would’ve been in NYC.” Juliana said as she scrolled through her music.

“Anytime, baby. This is what you love so why wouldn’t I come. Plus since I finished the images from the trip on Friday, I had the weekend free to do anything. It was a good show and I’m happy you asked me to come with you. Remind me to thank Andrea for watching the kids.” Valentina said playfully at the end. She had spent Friday and Saturday’s lunch break with the girls at the boutique trying to get to know Andrea a little better, for Juliana’s sake.

#juliantina #juliana valdes #valentina carvajal #forever #Forever update #forever ch32 #chapter 32

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phantom-muses · 5 years ago

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major fucking trigger warning for:

rape, emotional abuse, pedophilia, general abusive relationships, suicidal thoughts/attempts and self harm

i gotta get these off my chest because i dont trust anyone who knows me irl to see me the same way as they did before after this post.

With valentines day coming up all i can do is relive all my trauma from my abusive exes and god fucking damn it its so hard im crying while im typing this.

i dont even lnow where to start rhis will be just a massive rambling mess because im a mess but i have to get this whole this off my chest or i swear im gonna end myself.

guess ill start in the beginning. when i was 11 i was getting groomed and manipulated by a 20 year old man. once i turned 12 he started asking me to send him pictures and you can imagine what kind. i of course being a naive little girl though he loved me and didn't know exactly why he wanted those images.

i started cutting myself around this time and attempted suicide for the first time

moving forward to 14, i had a crush on a kid from my class and he manipulated me into thinking he had feelings for me so he could use me for his own sexual gratification. he was the first guy i kissed and he would routinely sexually harass me in public to the point i broke down crying in the middle of class because i couldn't take him and his friends groping me.

again, more sh and attempts

15, first relationship with my first girlfriend, all was great in the beginning until we were alone in my house and i said i didn't wanna go further than kissing (due to trauma but i just said i wasn't ready) and she got kinda pissed off and our relationship went down hill from there and i was just left feeling like a burden every time i tried talking to her.

few months after that i started dating a drug dealer. he fingered me without my consent with his friend in the same room as us. he also took advantage of me one time when i was high off my mind and couldn't possibly consent haha....

16, started regularly doing drugs basically so i wouldn't feel as empty, i let one of my friends take my virginity on my 16th birthday party because i refuse to count the drug dealer as having taken my virginity, felt pretty fucking empty but at least i felt like i sort of had control over my body. until i started dating this foreign guy who also ended up toying with me without my consent but this time in public so i felt i couldn't really do anything.

after that whole catastrophe, i started sexting random guys i met online just because i felt wanted by them. one of them violated my trust and spread my nudes yeehaw aint that great. anyway hes not important, i started catching feelings for one of the guys i was just casually sexting, that was a bad idea, he and i sort of became a thing.

things were great for the first 1 and a half years, then he got hooked on heroin and started emotionally abusing me, made me feel as if i was nothing but a burden and hysterical whenever i expressed any dissatisfaction with how he treated me, he manipulated me into believing i was a bad girlfriend for feeling upset over how he acted. made it seem as if i was nothing but a nuisance. we became an on and off thing because he would randomly ditch me

i almost started cutting myself again after having been almost a year clean

im 18 by this point here.

i started seeing sorta this guy irl, by seeing i mean fucking. another mistake because he was horrible and he raped me and clearly had a thing for rape play because even before that he would like to pretend he was trying to keep me quiet which just brought back some memories yikes. he constantly would try to pressure me into doing things i didn't want to the point of yelling at me for not wanting to do them.

i started talking to another guy online who seened nice, gave me an excuse to break it off with my rapist.

the guy may have saved me from my rapist but he was even worse actually... he was only into how young looking i am, he liked 13 year old girls (as i found out a month ago) and the fact i look like im 14 when im 19 was just perfect for him.... he was extremely controlling, didn't want me talking to any guys that aren't gay and no women who arent straight. he said awful things to me... hes the reason i developed anorexia again after having been okay for 3 years.... he constantly talked about me losing weight and becoming skinny. he admitted to wanting to rape me... only reason i had stayed with him was because of how broken i was. he broke me even further, i had to get my medication trippled, i started cutting myself again and i attmpted suicide again, only reason im not dead right now is how high i was and i couldn't go through with it the way i wouldve been able to had i been sober.

i left him a month ago? i think? i have no idea. im just sitting in my bathtub right now high on xanax so i wont have a panic attack from these flashbacks im having.

i have decided im going go back on track in my ana journey. i havent gained weight but my progress has stagnated these past 2-3 months. ana is my only coping mechanism to not end everything.

#vent #may be triggering #anarexx #triggertime

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bearofohu · 6 years ago

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Professor Layton Anime Theory - Luke’s Possible Betrayal (LMDA Spoilers!)

hi guys its luke today i’m making a callout post on luke

this is probably the most cursed theory i will ever create and i promise this is pure speculation, i don’t WANT this to happen i don’t think this SHOULD happen i know the layton community will systematically explode if it does so please don’t unfollow me i am a sensitive boy

summary of the theory: this theory analyzes the possibly of luke betraying layton in the relic stone mystery similarily to emmy based on several aspects of luke’s two appearances in the anime and what we know about the future of the anime so far.

warning: swearing, implications that luke is a good boy gone bad

ps: sorry for the typos im so fuckign tired

full theory under the cut!

alright, lets go lesbians

me and the bros were talking on the layton community discord, and i mentioned something that has been bothering me about luke, a theory if you will. @officialchampionred summed up my thoughts on my own theory pretty well after i told them about it

i originally was just going to not do anything with my speculation, but i figured since the one i made about luke being kat’s father was so well received, even if i ended up being incorrect, i would take another shot at a theory that i think has a good chance of being realized somewhere down the line

ok so the theory summary sounds like a load of baloney when you read it for the first time, right? well hear me out, because i have several points to bring up that may rattle ur bones. without further ado, here are the points:

1. Luke’s Design and its Similarity to the Relic Stone Thugs In Episode 10

im going to start with one point that several people have caught on with all ready, but i don’t think anybody has ever really tried to connect the dots here. so you know luke’s new design, right? the fedora, the jacket, very cute

EXCEPT

here is an image comparison of luke’s design and the outfits of the men, we’ll call them the fedora fellas, we see that attack by don paolo’s orders in the museum

now i know what you’re thinking, “that there is just coincidence” or, “THEY MUST ALL HAVE TO WEAR FEDORAS ON MONDAYS” but i assure you, the similarities here are not accidental. there’s just no way. the design team wouldn’t love the same horrible design enough to just use it on multiple characters just cause they want to. there is just no way this has no relevance.

while some accessories and colors may be different on luke and the men, the general design is still in place, especially with the hat being an exact copy every time. a uniform protocol is being followed here. luke is most likely not wearing choice clothes. this is a uniform, and the men are also following this uniform.

it’s also worth mentioning that even don paolo has a SORT OF similar design change to the color schemes we see in the henchmen and luke

its not entirely relevant, but the red color kind of fits the bill, and i don’t think they would also change paolo’s design for absolutely no reason.

@muzzable also made an amazing color comparison for this theory between luke’s uniform and the fedora fellas, so full credit there!

this image analyzes the color differences between luke’s outfit and the ones worn by those men. note that obviously its not exact, and its probably not supposed to be.

that’s because this is the shit akihiro doesn’t want you to pay much attention to while watching, and its WORKING.

this is so in the event of a betrayal it will smack you upside the jaw (my jaws been broken before, it hurts)

now another counterpoint could be, “maybe its relevant but it doesnt automatically mean that luke works with the fedora fellas or don paolo” and you’d be fucking spot on you funky little luke fanatic, but i got a lot more up my sleeve to tell you.

at the end of this theory, we’re going to move to discuss luke’s motives, but for now, we’re going to stick with the essential points. now we’re going to move onto point 2, which isn’t entirely as direct as point 1, but still holds relevance if you squint

2. Luke’s Nervous/Suspicious Behaviour in Episode 10 & ESPECIALLY 20

watch out, this point is the biggest one analysis wise

you wanna know something i noticed about episode 10 and 20?

luke looks and acts noticeably nervous in almost every scene he’s appeared in

for one example, did anybody else notice the repetitive anime sweat drop going on with no character BUT luke in episode 20, ESPECIALLY the closer they got to the relic stone chamber?

he’s sweating in a LOT of scenes, and on top if that, if you pay attention to his behaviour a lot of it is him just looking generally... worried. a lot of people discredit the anime sweat drop as a cosmetic trope, but a lot of animators actually use it to convey genuine fear or anxiety that offers hints to the direction of the plot.

it’s like he knows something we don’t about the relic stones, like he has something to hide, and he gets worse the further they go, like the closer they get to the relic stones the more nervous luke gets that he’ll have to betray the professor IN THAT MOMENT

and hershel isn’t worried or nervous at all because he TRUSTS luke and i know you could be like, “oh but luke, hes just a nervous boy” and thats all fair and good, we can safely say that luke COULD be a naturally anxious character, but these little details and luke’s general behaviour are VERY noticeable once you pay attention to them for the first time, and also the concept of him being a nervous character was never in place when he was a boy with no malicious motives that we’re speculating now

the pattern of looking luke generally troubled is also shown in episode 10, though perhaps not as noticeable as it is in 20.

while they’re discussing the relic stones and luke is explaning the situation to marina (who im pretty sure is not aware of luke’s outside motive), he gets a little nervous and hesitant when they start talking about why he was doing it. layton then finishes his sentence for him, saying it was for katrielle, indirectly saving luke from having to scramble for an explanation. he just looks OFF.

marina’s face is also the official mood for this post

anyway, level-5 loves using body language in their animations. in cutscenes, the characters often perform actions that define their thinking and their motive. for example, layton puts his hand on his chin and walks around, oh boy he’s going to expose someone. descole slams his hands on the piano keys in eternal diva, oh boy he’s pissed. layton points at someone, oh boy they’re the culprit.

was luke ever THIS nervous and hesitant in the games, when he was a boy? no, not passively nervous. he was only really nervous in the face of danger. as a boy, he was actually pretty confrontational and confident.

so why act so strange here? what changed?

luke looks pretty nervous in this anime, oh boy i wonder if there’s something bothering him that nobody knows about

i feel like now would be a good time to issue a disclaimer that also supports my points, this theory is NOT meant to imply, “oh luke’s a heartless bastard he hates layton and wants the relic stones for himself”

i have very little faith in the idea that, if luke is doing this, he would be doing it for himself, or because he wants to.

i’m confident in this theory, but im not confident that luke’s motives are just plain evil, because while his character can change and realistically SHOULD CHANGE, i don’t think he has it in him to just become evil. i think someone’s either forcing his hand (maybe similarly to clark’s situation), or giving him something he can’t refuse in return for layton.

but more on that later.

now we move onto point 3!

3. Key Hint Passively Given by Picarats

u guys know picarats, right? the guy that provides us with the streams, my bro, an awesome guy...

a guy that is in direct kahoots with level 5 and knows exactly how everything in the anime going to work out

beelieve it or not, picarats is actually a member of the discord server that i run (https://discord.gg/ZYxmPP) and he posts there occasionally. he’s pretty vocal with our community so it’s really not that much of a shocker that he would give us hints from time to time. we’re true bros. i love u my guy

but that’s not the point, the poINT, THE JUICY PART, the REASON why im bringing picarats up... is because he’s provided us with a crucial hint to support my theory, mainly during the episode 20 stream

THE KEY HINT THAT PICARATS HAS GAVE US WAS...

LMDA’s storyline, in its current form and in its future presumably, is a reflection of the events of Azran Legacy.

now this is something picarats DID say, though not entirely in verbatim, during the episode 20 stream. i promise u with every ounce of gay power in my body that he said that the anime’s storyline reflects azran legacy’s.

unfortunately, i do NOT have a screenshot because i was too busy having a psychiatric breakdown in the middle of the episode. if anyone took a screenshot of him saying that, pls send it to me, i will credit and love you forever. <3

that single hint during that stream is EXTREMELY crucial and most likely the most important one, it was one of the things that spurred my thinking about this theory, so essentially

BUT you may ask, lUKE, what is so important about the fact that the anime is supposed to mirror azran legacy?? whats the significance of that??

well.. u mere mortal... im about to give you a series of events from both azran legacy and LMDA

azran legacy was an adventure to discover the secrets of the azran, right?

right.

emmy, his loya resourceful assistant and friend of whomst he TRUSTS, is with him up until they are moments away from unlocking the secrets, right?

right.

then, this devastating shit happens.

youtube

emmy shows remorse for betraying layton but tells him she was doing it for someone else and wouldn’t have done it otherwise.

everyone dies.

are you following my thought process so far?

now lets go to LMDA’s current canon storyline

layton reunites with luke, who is acting nervous constantly and wears an outfit similar to the people who want the relic stones for malicious intent

layton, fully trusting luke, leave katrielle to go on an adventure to find the relic stones, a series of artifacts that are linked to the azran.

they go on the adventure and then become moments away from unlocking the secrets of the relic stones

LAYTON GOES MISSING.

thanks picarats, that single sentence you said in a stream has turned me into a conspiracy theorist

are we broken yet? are we all nice and broken yet?? good. now we get to talk about LUKE’S POSSIBLE MOTIVES.

Luke’s Possible Motives for Betraying Layton

now this is yet another juicy part of the theory, and probably where the biggest counterargument might come into play, which is:

“bUt LUkE WoUld NeV ER dO tHAT”

bUT i will give you my theories on luke’s possible motives for concocting a scheme that wild, but before i do, i would like to give u a memorable quote from clove dive that basically sums up the point im about to make:

we, as a fandom, are collectively forgetting that it is unrealistic to think luke has barely changed in terms of personality and motive

do i blame us? no. after all, we’ve known luke as an innocent boy for about 11 years now.

hino knows this. hino knows how good we think luke is. that’s why i said that his attempt to make us ignore the hints is WORKING.

and like i said, i can’t blame any of us at all for wanting to believe that luke hasn’t changed, but its simply unrealistic.

as much as we don’t like to believe it, luke and layton have basically barely if not at all interacted for several years up until this point

luke is not a boy. something about luke has changed.

and this theory attempts to connect just what that change might be.

like i said before, i wholeheartedly disbelieve that in the event this theory is accurate, luke has ‘turned evil’ just like we all believe emmy didn’t turn evil.

they were forced to do it for something that they deeply cared about.

they were forced to betray their friend for something bigger.

and i think that’s a damn exhilarating plot device.

Conclusion

now you might have guessed that in this point in the theory i’ve gone from being serious into shitposting as my thought process usually does, and also i’ve been working on this since 3 AM, so im gonna go ahead and wrap this up with a disclaimer before you throw a chair at me.

i am in no way implying that this is canon or SHOULD be canon. i love luke and don’t want to see him betray layton, but this theory is meant to purely speculate the possibilites of the future of this anime

in a nutshell...

its just a theory.

A GGAAMMEE TTH E EE O RR Y.

#professor layton #pl #lmda #lmj anime #layton anime #layton theories #layton anime theory #hershel layton #luke triton #shut up luke #luke's crackpot theories

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buckisthatyou · 6 years ago

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My Dreams

Pairing: Chris Beck x Male Reader (College AU)

Word Count: 1433

Warning: fluff

Summary: Chris Beck is your good looking, smart roommate who invites you to join him for dinner during your exam week to talk about one of his biggest dream.

Masterlist

Author notes: Hi guys. Been feeling like shit for this past few days. Sorry you guys have to read some shitty emo posts of mine. :’) but oh well, i’m feeling a bit better now and tomorrow i’ll be going out with some friends exploring the city. So let’s pray that I’m actually gonna have a good time and everything is going to be okay. Have a good day and enjoy this cheesy one shot.

ps: this is my first time writing about chris beck so bear with me.

It is the examination week and you have been stressed since the beginning of the week. Every time you are going to do your revision, you can’t help but to feel mentally tired and just shut yourself down. You wish you are as smart as your roommate though. He makes studying looks like the easiest thing in college. Perhaps as easy as you make sleeping in class to be. It is unfair for him to be very smart because he already has the advantage on his physical looks. What kind of blessing he got? Did he do something noble in his past life until God gives him this perfect life? You just wish you are Christopher Beck.

“Hey, y/n” comes a voice, interrupting your thoughts of your roommate.

Speak of a devil, it is Chris himself. Looking as handsome as always, walking into the room.

“Hey, Chris. What’s up?” you try to play it cool, though you can feel your face heated up because you clearly are thinking of him and you don’t want to get caught.

“Nothing much. Have you eaten anything yet? Imma bout to get dinner so you should join me, man.” He asks, putting his backpack on his bed before taking his shirt off.

You try not to look but you are only human. You can’t simply let the opportunity of drinking the image of God’s best creature now can you? You watch as his muscles flex, making you hard as you can possibly imagine what they feel like if you get the chance to touch them.

“Is that okay?” he turns around to face you with his towel hanging on his shoulder.

“Sorry what?” you blink, you completely zoned out.

He chuckles before walking up to you, his strong hand on your shoulder

“I said Imma take a shower first before heading out for dinner. Is that okay for you to wait for me, y/n?” His soft voice enters your ears and it makes it hard for you to process the words he says.

“Y-yeah sure, man. Cool. I’ll wait for you. Yeah.” You blurt out.

With a smile on his face, he nods, “Okay cool.”

You watch he walks out from the room and you let out the breath you are holding. Shaking your head, you scold yourself “Can’t even keep yourself together now huh, idiot?”

You try to focus back on doing your revision, if you can read at least one page from this book before going out you are going to be grateful and proud of yourself.

You are feeling motivated ever since Chris comes back, you are now going through your notes and are very close to understand abstract algebra.

When Chris walks back into the room, he smiles looking at you, sitting on your study desk. He can see the way your eyebrows pulled together, focusing on your reading. He knows you have been sitting on the desk since the morning. He remembers that before he went out to the library, you are already on your chair, book in your hands ready to start your study session. You are a hardworking student and he always loves that about you.

He approaches you slowly, standing behind you, peeking from your shoulder to see what subject that is giving you a hard time right now.

“Algebra huh? Tough as shit” he casually says once he sees the unknowns and digits on the book.

You who are too lost in the numbers, shocked by the husky voice behind you, you accidentally throw your pen away.

“What the fuck, Beck? You scared me”

He laughs at your reaction which you found to be adorable.

“I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you. Just wanna check what kinda subject that makes you so focus till you can’t hear me walking into the room”

You shake your head. “Sorry if you feel left out because my attention is not on you” You joke with him while reaching down to pick up your pen.

“Hah, funny because the next hour your attention is going to be on me and me only.” He says as he puts on his grey sweater.

“Bold of you to assume I’m going to give you my attention during dinner. My priority is always food.”

“We will see.” He smirks, a bit of cockiness in his tone but you shrug it off, knowing Chris can get a bit playful when he is in the mood.

“Now come on, man. Are you ready to leave your algebra?” he smiles at you, standing on the door looking incredibly good in a simple sweater and jeans.

You smile at him and closing your book in response to him.

The weather is nice for a walk so the both of you decided to go to the nearest diner near the college. Plus, the food is not that bad. It is a good choice of a place.

“So? Are you going back to your hometown after final?” he asks, starting the conversation.

“Yeah. I guess. Probably just gonna help my family with the business until the next semester starts.” You admit. “How bout you? Going back to Hartford?”

“Yeah but not for long. I’m going for a roadtrip though.” He says, before taking a bite of his burger.

You look at him, imagining how fun it will be to be in a car with him, driving across the country living up adventure. You smile at your perfect imagination.

“You should come though. It’ll be fun. Me and you and some of my friends.”

You are taken back by his invitation, to be exact you are in disbelief. But you think about the advantages of going with him, other than getting to spend more time with Chris, you are going to let yourself to be free from all the stress you’ve suffered for this semester. It may be a good idea.

“It sounds fun. We will see, Chris.”

“Great. Im going to text you every day to convince you to join me. So you better say yes”

You smirk at him “Don’t make it obvious that you can’t live without me, Beck. It is kinda gay”

He laughs and throws a fries at you which you perfectly catch with your mouth before giving him a wink.

The two of you finish the dinner and walking back home. The coolness of the night makes you shiver but you don’t mind. You just smile, enjoying the moment.

“Wanna chill at the park for a while?” Chris asks you, taking your hand in his.

“Yeah sure why not.” You feel embarrassed by his sudden action.

Still holding your hand, Chris and you walk to the park and decided to sit on the grass, watching the night sky together.

“I love outer space. There are so many things we can discover out there.” He admits once he gets cozy sitting next to you.

You hum, letting him knows that you agree with him.

“I hope one day I’ll get to explore the outer space. It is going to be cool.”

You look at him as he has a genuine smile on his face and happiness and excitement in his eyes.

“You’ll get to chase the dreams of yours, Chris. I believe in you.” You meant every word you say to him. There is no one else deserve to be happy more than he does. He just smiles at you.

“You know what else is my dream?” he turns to you.

“What?” you can feel your heart beating faster than it should when Chris’ perfect face is getting closer to you.

He is only an inch away from your face when he stops and smiles with his eyes “To be with you. Forever.”

Your eyes go wide, shocked by his confession but you begin to relax once you come to realization that he is serious with you. “Well, that dream can be easily achieved, Beck. Not that hard.” You whisper lowly to him.

He chuckles, “Good to know because I’ve been dreaming about it for too long” He then leans in and kisses you on your lips.

He is quick to deepen the kiss but you stop him.

“Whoa, chill Casanova. I still have a subject to study, and exam to answer. Don’t wanna fail, man.”

He shakes his head as he laughs at you, “Don’t have to worry, I’ll help you with it, boyfriend” He smirks as he begins to pull your body closer to him.

You raise your eyebrow, “Boyfriend huh?”

“Yeah boyfriend.” He kisses you again and you smile at the word, you like it.

Tagging: @mizz-kraziii @queenoftrash97 @fran-writes @amindfulloffanfictions @grosskyjaja

#fluff #chris beck x reader #chris beck x you #chris beck x male reader #chris beck imagine #chris beck fanfiction #chris beck the martian #chris beck fluff #sebastian stan #moonwrite

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ravennest1342-blog · 6 years ago

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BTS Fanfic Recommendations

Ok, so I don’t know if it’s considered weird to hype up other people when you write fan fiction and basically turn the attention away from yourself but IDK because I’ve been dying to share all my favorite fanfics with you guys! I hope you enjoy this, most (if not all) of these will be on AO3! A few will be from here, here being Tumblr. I’m such a dork, omg don’t look at me! But read! Read these beauties and leave me be!!!!! 😂Also, I’ll be putting warnings beside the ones that have smut/BDSM/or anything else that’s weird. A lot of these will have smut because for a long time I was really insecure about writing smut so I tended to read books that advertised it in order to know what the hell I was actually writing.

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The Songbird and the Sea

Author — MissterMaia (follow her on Twitter she’s actually hilarious and I love her)

Pairing — Yoonmin, with side Namjin and Taekook.

Rating— Mature (there’s smut in this so tread carefully)

Description — In a world where dominance of the sea is an endless battle between pirates and mariners, Park Jimin is content living in his little village on a small, uninteresting island by the eastern mainland. He wants nothing to do with the bloodshed of good and evil, the heartless killing of both innocents and condemned, the constant establishment and disruption of order. What he wants is peace, to live his life in the same town he was born in, to spend his days in the beautiful forest, and to use the powers of his Blessed Rune to nurture the home he loves so dearly. But when his island is attacked by pirates, Jimin will have no other choice than to do as they command and leave all thoughts of peace behind in favor of boarding the Agust, a pirate ship captained by the infamous Min Yoongi, Black Fox of the East.

My thoughts — omg, where do I begin? God this book was so beautiful. The character development! The plot! The ROMANCE! AH! It was such a perfect work of art! I never felt bored like at all and normally I get bored pretty easy on long chaptered books like this! She’s also getting the book published! (With different character names obviously and it’s like super edited.) I don’t know what else to say other than GO READ THIS!!! SHE IS THE QUEEN OF YOONMIN!! YOU WONT BE DISAPPOINTED!!!

Hidden Omega

Author — LadyPrussia

Pairing — Namjoon Centric

Rating — Explicit (there’s smut in this so tread carefully)

Description — At 21 Namjoon still hasn't presented leaving him as a dud, with the BTS pack having their own issues and not treating him like a real member a tragic event forces Namjoon's body to present as an omega. Is it really too late for BTS to win Namjoon's heart? Or will one of the 4 other packs steal it instead? Or maybe a darkhorse will appear.

My Thoughts — this book is great! Not only is it super long (over eighty chapters) and still being updated, but the character development is super refreshing. Forewarning though, the author has said that there is a good chance Namjoon won’t end up in the Bangtan Pack but a different one, and originally that made me upset, but with the way she painted the story I actually don’t care what Pack he ends up with; their all beautiful and it’s an amazing book! Lots of drama and angst for you angst lovers out there!

No Spell can Cure Shyness

Author — MissterMaia (seriously — I love her)

Pairing — Yoonmin, mentioned Namjin, Side Taekook

Rating — teens and up

Description — Yoongi really doesn’t expect the witchboy who sent him an accidental text to be the prettiest boy he's ever seen in all his life. Or the nicest. Or the kindest. Or just the best in every possible way. Painfully shy and (un)smooth as he is, Yoongi decides the best way to approach this Jimin person is in the form of a cat. A cat who can't talk. Great plan, Yoongi.

My Thoughts — The FLUFF!!! I can’t even begin to describe how much I love this book! All of this woman’s works are masterpieces that need to be appreciated! Yoongi is so shy it’s hilarious and he has the most extra reactions to like everything — and and I LOVE!!! YOU need to read it! Stop whatever your doing and go read it!

Saltation

Author — momora

Pairing — Yoonmin, side Taekook, and Namjin

Rating — explicit (there’s smut in this so tread carefully)

Description — Jimin had grown up watching his mother sort the point-oh-one percent beta defaults into the alpha-omega communities, but that doesn't make being a part of the statistic much easier. He'd be doing okay at this new omega thing if that watchful alpha Min Yoongi could stay out of the situation. He just wants to settle into his new life and finish his useless degree already. Instead, all hell breaks loose.

My Thoughts — This book is the one of the best a/b/o fics I have ever read in my entire life! Alpha’s and Omega’s live separate from Beta’s due to different instincts and Jimin was born in the beta community but presented as an omega. And it’s really funny because He keeps slipping up and doing/saying things that leave everyone else kind of like (0.0) The writing is fantastic! The characters are absolutely riveting as is the plot and the AUTHOR KEEPS TEADING ME ON TWITTER ABOUT HER NEXT UPDATE AND HOLY HELL IM BREAKING DOWN OVER HERE!!!

Jammed

Author — minverse

Pairing — Vmin, side Yoonseok, maybe Namjin?

Rating — explicit (there’s smut in this so tread carefully)

Description —The rational part of Jimin's brain screams at him to remember what his mother said about strangers and vans. But the rational part of his brain is no match for really bad whiskey and Kim Taehyung. ((au where Jimin gets stuck on the interstate in the middle of a blizzard and Taehyung lives in a van))

My Thoughts — this book! *wheezes from laughter* is so funny! Jimin is trying to make it to Yoongi and Hoseok’s wedding (which he is kind of dreading because Hoseok is trying to set him up with his own best man) and he gets stuck in a blizzard and boom there’s Taehyung! A renowned author that decided to live in his van and travel the world while writing his new book. This book was so funny you guys! I was dying, there was a smut scene and it was pretty great. The whole book was phenomenal and I loved it so much. Because I have literally no self control I’m gonna add a sneak peak.

NU ABO: A Memoir by Park Jimin

Author — decompositionbooks

Pairing — Jikook

Rating — explicit (there’s smut in this so tread carefully.)

Description — The world didn't think it was necessary to give him a guide when it shoved all of these omega hormones at him, so here it is, Park Jimin's handbook on dealing with heats, unrequited love, and Jeon Jungkook.

My Thoughts — this book was so good! Omega’s are really rare and Jimin is so against the stereotypes put on omega’s and he is CONVINCED that Jungkook thinks of him as a tiny child that needs protection and he’s such a little ball of rage and god it’s so funny and he’s so sarcastic and furious that he’s being forced into this cutesy image (that he refuses to admit he likes) and it’s so cute and hilarious.

In Your Eyes

Author — TrappingLighteningBugs

Pairing — Jikook

Rating — Explicit (there’s smut and light dim/sub in this so tread carefully)

Description — On nights where everything seems against him, Jimin wishes he could take Jungkook down a few pegs.

My Thoughts — I originally read this because I was trying to expand my view on what a dom!Jimin would look like for my Bunny Breath book but I actually really liked this a lot. The characterization was good, it wasn’t like most smut oneshots where the characters go at with like literally no push and seems to be mildly dubious consent. This was well thought out and I enjoyed reading it.

A Sheep in Wolf’s Clothing

Author — blimpish

Pairing — Junghope

Rating — Explicit (there’s smut so tread carefully)

Description — When Jeongguk decides it's time to live out his fantasy of being knotted, he determines that Hoseok is the best (read: least awful) candidate for the job.

My Thoughts — I read this book because I’m a hoe for Junghope. But it’s really good! I remember feeling mildly dubious about it until I got to this really funny scene when Jungkook (a beta) asks Jimin (an omega)if he knows any alpha’s that wouldn’t be weirded out bu having sex with a beta and Jimin’s just like “I know three but your not gonna like it.” And after that it’s a hilarious conversation of them deciding which of their friends would be the least cringe worthy for Jungkook to sleep with. Jimin admits that Hoseok is great and it goes from there. BUT THERE IS A PLOT LINE!!! ITS NOT JUST SMUT!!

Unfamiliars

Author— themarmalade

Pairing — Yoonseok (my library is mostly Yoonseok.)

Rating — Mature (I can’t remember if there’s smut and it’s a long book so I don’t want to go read through all of it. Fuck I totally will but that’s beside the point. Read the tags when you click on the link.)

Description — Hoseok rescues a kitty in a summer storm. Thanks to some weird magic, Yoongi is that kitty. In a tiny apartment full of plants and moonlight, a simple, aching happiness blooms. But with what Jungkook knows, how long can the happiness last?

My Thoughts — this is so cute! Yoongi is just minding his own business when he accidentally steps into a warlocks spell pentagram and gets turned into a cat by Jin, he positively freaks the fuck out runs away, gets picked up by Hobi and things go from there. It’s so cute and soft and ima go read it BYE!!!!

Bad at Love

Author — shooky__bear

Pairing — Yoonseok with side Namjin.

Rating — Explicit (there is smut and definite don/sub so tread carefully.)

Description —Yoongi was pretty sure he was straight. Pretty sure (And not remotely interested in love or Jung Hoseok.) Alternatively ; that fic where yoon thinks he's straight and he's a bit of a slut and keeps fucking girls tho he likes hoseok and seoks a Patient Loving Gay who waits and Supports yoon through his Gay Crisis.

My Thoughts — this book is full of so much emotion and general truth. I love it so much, I cried several times when reading and admittedly geared up at the end. Hoseok was so sweet and patient and he had to literally teach Yoongi that it was ok to trust him and crap now I’m crying.

Take Me to the Edge

Author — Nasobem

Pairing — Yoonseok

Rating — Explicit (there is smut and Don/sub undertones so tread carefully)

Description —Yoongi takes a pointed step backwards and glares at "Hobi". "What the fuck kind of name is that," he says, "and don't touch me." Namjoon makes a funny noise. Yoongi ignores it for the sake of eviscerating "Hobi" with his stare. It seems to be weirdly ineffective. Or Yoongi is hired to work Tech Support and Security for Jung Corp and it'd honestly be pretty chill if it wasn't for this one obnoxiously handsome dude whose life mission it seems to be to bother Yoongi until he breaks.

My Thoughts— I love this book. Yoongi is such an angry little bean and Hoseok literally just wants to make him happy — the Maknae Line are little shits but what’s new there? This whole book is amazing. I wish I could find a good Vmin/Vhope/Minjoon/Sugakookie book like this. *cries*

Our Burned Bridges

Author — tendershipping (nothing about her ships are tender! *sobs*)

Pairing — Vminkook (she’s the Vmin queen)

Rating — Mature (no smut but brutal themes so tread carefully)

Description —Agent Jeon Jeongguk is given a cover story and assigned to guard amnesiac Kim Taehyung. (Taehyung has nightmares most nights after he wakes, at first. He screams and cries names Jeongguk doesn’t recognize, always one in particular—Jimin.)

My Thoughts— I’m, I’m so EMOTIONAL!!! I read it and was a literal mess halfway through and IT JUST GOT MORE DARK and *chokes* Vmin we’re MARRIED and enter Jimin who seems so bitter and mean and sarcastic but he’s really just broken and angry about things and — go read this. It has a happy ending to so win win.

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I have been so active tonight shit. Idk why. You know what. I’ma wait till tomorrow to upload this.

Is it tomorrow? It’s tomorrow. Have fun with this wonderful list of my FAVORITE FANFICS (only the Songbird and The Sea is my favorite lol)

#bts fanfic rec #bts yoonseok #bts yoonmin #bts jikook #fanfic recommendation #the songbird and the sea

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nadjaofstatenisland · 7 years ago

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continued excerpt from julia’s unofficial biography of hal cooper. fred and hal are sunday school chums all throughout middle school. fred’s 14 when fp jones rolls into his life. it takes some effort to crack fps shell, but once he does they’re inseparable. one soul in two bodies. never ever without the other. hal and fred hang out less in high school but theres still some hurt feelings there. just a tiny bit. who is this guy and what does he have that makes fred drop hal like a hot potato?? hal’s been around all this time and its fp who he’s suddenly taking photobooth strips with at the mall and inviting along on his familys vacation to the coast?? okay. whatever.

plus hermione is a thing. fred’s had a crush on her since middle school but all of a sudden she’s the only thing he talks about. freds lovesick. the only thing he ever talks to hal about is does hal think hermione likes him?? has she said anything???? should he wear his hair a certain way to get her attention??? can hal put in a good word for him because his assigned seat is closer to hers in biology???? hal starts distancing himself more because theres only so much of freds antics a person can take.

every so often theres still the odd day hal goes over to freds after school or vice versa but they’re very few and far between. then the very last day of summer vacation between freshman and sophomore year, fred calls hal up and asks him if he wants to come over. hal has barely seen him all summer he figures sure, why not.

well hermione’s been out of town all summer and apparently she just got back and she and fred are going to meet at pops and freds convinced this is it!! this is the day they stop being the will-they-or-wont-they pair of friends and become an honest to goodness item. hal and fred goof off with a soccer ball in the yard (IS SOCCER HIS SPORT??) and share a popsicle and swap stories about the summer and listen to music on freds radio and hal helps fred pick out an outfit for seeing hermione that night and then goes home. not the best hangout ever but he’s satisfied. he wishes fred the best.

cut to pops chocolate shop, that evening. fred and hermione, close friends all year but always flirting with something more, are swapping vacation stories. hermione has a kickass tan and has started winging her eyeliner and fred is a fucking goner. he’s hanging on her every word trying to figure out how he’s going to get up the nerve to confess his feelings to her. he figures its the last day of vacation before school, he needs to just bite the bullet and do it, so he starts talking about all the thinking he was doing while she was gone all summer… about them….about her… .about their relationship….

then he realizes hermiones not even listening. she’s looking over his shoulder at the tall, dark stranger who just walked in. hiram walks down the middle of the choklit shop in slow motion.

“im picking up an order? for lodge?”

cut to the middle of the school year. hal randomly calls fred up and asks if he wants to sleep over. they’re in hals blue bedroom playing checkers and listening to the early 90s equivalent of ingrid michaelson, john mayer, matt nathanson, death cab for cutie. hals parents are out and its past 11pm and they’re getting as serious as barely-15 yr olds can. talking about sex and girls and how confused they are about their lives and why they’re mad at their respective parents.

about how fp is freds best friend but sometimes he acts rly mean to him (and fred thinks maybe fps dad hits him and he doesnt know what to do??) and fred’s dad expects so much of him all of a sudden (well, at least he loves you, says hal, my dad sure doesnt show it) and hermione is head over heels for this hiram guy and fred’s afraid she’ll never love him (at least you’ve kissed a girl, gripes hal because hal pretends to be experienced af but he’s never had any experience at all cause he’s too careful with his heart)

anyway eventually hals getting quieter and quieter and its just fred talking and then its silent and hal asks if fred and fp have ever kissed? and freds shocked af and hals talking about how how do you know if you like boys or not if you’ve never even kissed one? like how do you find out?? and how do you get a boy (hiram lodge) to kiss you in the first place?? and what happens? your parents throw you out right?? what happens if you want a boy (hiram lodge) to kiss you??? what if you think you want a boy to kiss you but you’re not sure? what if theres just this one boy (hiram lodge) and you feel about him the way you’ve felt about girls your whole life? but its not all boys its just (hiram lodge)?

and then fred (who hasn’t quite YET buttfucked fp in the back of a vw bus but has at least tangled tongues with him) is suddenly holding hal while he’s crying and talking about how he thinks he’s gay but he’s not sure and he’s so scared and fred doesnt know what to do at all but he’s trying to be as comforting as he can

eventually hal calms down and starts apologizing and saying they should go to sleep and fred promises not to tell anyone and then fred asks does hal want him to kiss him??? and he cups hals face and kisses him the way fp taught him to kiss and hal is so speechless when fred pulls back and then fred just flops back into his sleeping bag and tells him they can go to sleep now and they do and neither of them ever tell anyone and thats the story of how fred was hals first real kiss the end

Okay like I love this so much I had to read it three times before I could even share it because it’s so special and like I totally love this so much? This is so sweet and touching and only you could sneak the word buttfucked into something so serious and have it make perfect sense.

And the image of two teenage boys playing checkers and talking about sex at midnight is something so wholesome and I love it so much?

Excuse me while I go cry over this.

#fredheads #hal cooper #fred andrews #hiram lodge #fp jones #halram #fredsythe #i love julia #submission

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nocancer · 4 years ago

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Why It Rains

~~~~ an excerpt from a working novel by Cancer moon. ~~~~~**

Lately I’ve been channeling from a higher source. And it’s not something I have to keep up with. It feels like, natural almost. Like im always at the same level of it, or at least very close. I’m not gonna lie, I was scared at first. Scared that I would fail. Scared that I wouldn’t live up to the expectations I set for myself while meditating. But so far things are looking up. I even got that new computer I wanted. Who knows, for now I’m just gonna keep writing and go from there. I’m not too concerned with the trivial things that life likes to bother us with, seemingly always at the worst times imaginable. I might check out this internet thing too. It’s promoted as this fun happy place and if I didn’t know any better, I’d of taken that for face value, right off the bat like a sucker. Next thing you know the internet turns out to be a cold and lonely place, and I’m left to wallow in my own self-pity, clutching my knees in the fetal position, mad at myself for failing to see the internet for what it is, a stupid marketing scheme. The point is, I have to see for myself. That’s just the type of person I am. You can ask my mom that. She’ll tell you. Ask her about the time I told the guy who was fixing my alternator to shove it when he was trying to charge me a thousand. Mind you, I had the money. But you’re not supposed to be dishonest to me just ‘cause I’m a millenial. The guy pretty much called me that. He said, hey kid, try to be more polite next time. But I never listened. I don’t need advice from a deadbeat greasemonkey. Anyway, apparently everyone’s connected to the cloud via sites like facebook and instagram. And when people log on to jump in on the action, usually the first thing they do is say hi to their friends, and maybe even drop a smile or two to show them they care. And if they drop a heart then you know they already had a chance to settle in, and are just trying to take it to the next level, now that the internet, in all its digital, impermanent page swiping glory, is owned, unabashedly theirs.

Conscious apples of languid rotundity creep along countless borders of a pale grey sky.

The pears are unwavering in the efforts of embassy, initiating calls backs when the time calls for it, and deceit when grape factions step in and intervene.

“What are these meddling affairs, young pear?” asked the grape.

“I don’t know. It’s the apples control our every move. How we live. Our daily lives.”

“Hush with that nonsense. You are nothing but a pear, a young one at that, how could you possibly know who’s behind it all?”

“I don’t know.”

The grape and the young pear sat on a brook and wondered who was behind it all.

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You see this all-seeing-eye mural in Atlanta? On the side of Ravine across the street from the federal reserve building? Yeah. I could strip down naked and run to the middle of that intersection there and scream my lungs out until i started coughing up blood and act violent to anyone who approached me and i still wouldnt match the frequency of that demonic shit. People walk by it everyday going to work, going to lunch, going to walk their dog, and nobody bats an eye. An eye for the government, an eye for the media, an eye for world hunger. Not a single raised eyebrow goes towards whats in control of every aspect of their daily lives. Oh the president controls my life. But I voted for him, so its okay. Is what they would say, as they munched on Mcdonalds with vaccines in their arms and got mad at traffic because they were going to miss their favorite show. A show that retroactively fed into a never ending problem and response feedback loop that activates the reptilian part of the brain by broadcasting images of rape and pedophilia via techniques that the producers learned at Harvard’s school of broadcasting, which also used a system of coercion, this time in the blind trust the students had for their professors just because they dressed nice and said big words. You’re going places. This kid’s gonna be a star.

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I’m only half of what I am without your other half to complete me. Only kids ask rhetorical questions. But why should I be any different?

I live by the way side. Wherever the wind takes me. I notice things that most don’t. I’m not sure if what I think is valid or not. I don’t believe anything is valid. Likewise I dont believe anything is invalid. One things for sure. If there’s one thing I know to be true. Is that I’m not an adult. No, Definitely not.

-----------

Hiksos lamented blast fully daring the credence of all his undoing. Unjust and bashful forwritten to layers upong layers of drug smitten landscapes.

“Youre good/” Said Jamie.

I see why she likes so much to hate on anyone she can get her hands on. And im not talking about physical hands. No, these are claws of misfortune. --The bad falls into a category still undefined by our human grasp.--

Apples on seminoles. Berries on amazing places we strove for.

The graveyard was pure and unassuming as a place for the dead should very well be. And with that we took our ritual to newer, more fulfilling levels. Levels of which determine our outlook as shades between optimistic and cautiously realistic. With our futures in the balance,

“Whatchu think dawg?” said Jerry. He was on his 2nd beer and 5th shot of vodka sprite. and I was on my mind long enough for nothing to be worth a damn. The vibe was dull, and the smoke gone. I lit a cigarette.

“I feel like shit.”

“You good?” J

“Yeah but I’m just tired like overall.” About life.

“Why not be happy about life? It’s all in your head. Just flip the switch. Like a light. On and off. Boom. No more stress.” J

“If only if it were that easy.”

“It is that easy. That’s the thing.”

Sipping heroically, going farther and phasing out all menial contrivances. Searching for myself like the lost land of atlantis. Humanity will get what it deserves.

“In due time” said Thomas.

I look at orion and wonder if those faint stars below its belt are actually indicative of a warrior kneeling on one knee with his shield raised or if its a flaccid penis that hangs all the way down to his knee. Im a pervert, always have been. Theres no stopping how much i will crash thoughtforms together in a heinous way until they stick together and form a common truth. I’m on the last life cycle of a cat’s 9 lives. Theres really nothing to lose by being a pervert. I had a friend in high school who said we’re all gay. I dont remember when. He said it more than once. I dont know if he was gay. I didnt think like that back then, but I wouldn’t to be anything other than who I am today. But again, there’s no stopping a mind so spiritual that it can hold each and every possibility at once and consider them valid. Then an external force canceling out my infinity. And I’m left to deal with people as if playing some sick little game thats suppose to teach me a lesson or something. So that I can ascend to the next plane of existence. At least thats what I’ve heard. But when the night hits and everyone finally shuts up for once it seems much simpler than that. Like im watching myself through a lens bestowed on me by a god with no intelligence. And during the day he becomes intelligent, and I’m left trying to keep up with, on his terms. “Fuck you bitch” I tell it often. “Youre not real” I’d say over and over. “What the fuck” is the saying that gives closure to it all. The only reason God looks good on paper is because it’s a testament to the author being strong enough to have it in his mind and make sense of it. It’s a mark people wear like aushwitz that make their beliefs somehow something you should pay attention to because I’m physical and God’s not but I speak of God so therefore God’s physical so you should listen to me. But then thatd make the speaker God.

By and by I’ve messed up hastily my dreams and aspirations. Tattooed on a building as ink drips down like an inner angst perceiving things as they are, and not what society says they should be. The happy medium an ephemeral code that could shift and shake into any causality one deems it to. The rulers of the world have taken domain over the one thing every human on earth has in common. I call this desire. They call it money. A body that begets greed and turns hatred to lust. Actions which motivate our inhibitions to phantasmagoria. Until we accept our place as lesser than the pettiness of our common folk. Shy and afraid, contingent upon basement dwelling lab rats who fane logic to reasonable bell curves while sucking nature dry of her own resources. The very nature that sunlight reflects upon his incessant rays which batter and tumble the distance. If only they knew she was her and he was them. But it doesn’t go like that here. Because if it did, then all karmas coming to a head would get their just due, and we’d be in purgatory. While heaven remained for the gods and earth for the mortals. And nothing can be God except authority to mortals when they’ve been tricked into accepting the state and thus have become it..

What a lovely home indeed. No one could bother me here. Except for the only one’s I knew. Because nobody knows I exist except for those who know me. I’d rather keep it that way. For a streak of doubt can enter me at any time and cause worry for my future. A future still so far away because I lack the initiative to care. Maybe that will change now that I have room to breathe. Just when I thought I was going downhill for good, my dad came around for me. And now I have a responsibility to get me up in the morning. No more waiting in line for luck to befall me in my yoga. The truth is, when reality caved in itself, and I could see the dying whispers in the eyes of those around me, I accepted my estrangement from the happy things in life. My avoidance of the dastardly grotesque was keeping me back this whole time. I like darkness and pitiful efforts of circumstance that vibrate low enough to stay hidden from others, but high enough so that it is detectable by my astral receiver. Two of which is an outward expression of another. The extension of material that is necessary for movement to take place. Before this realization I endured through pain of my own doing.

“How are you?” people would say.

And I never had a response.

Telepathic centrifuges would scan my mind. Taking flight off far off reaches of iniquity. All facets calling upon a microverse for an answer. I an I. Then they’d be gone without hesitation.

“Jerry’s calling” said Thomas.

“for what?” This guy wont leave me alone, I thought.

“I don’t know answer it.”

“Why are you bored?” I said.

“Yes, maybe he has weed.” Said Thomas.

“Ay whatsup man. Me and Thomas we’re just talking about you.”

“Oh word?”

“Yeah and then you call its like divine intervention or something?”

“Yeah thomas was tryna find some weed and you the first person he thought of so you must be doing something right.”

“Yo Thomas.”

“Oh hold up let me put you on speaker.” I said quickly.

“Is Thomas there? Yo Thomas.”

“Jerry, whats good?”

“I got the pack man, I heard you was lookin for a come up. I got the pack man.”

“Aight bet cus im bored as a motherfucka right now ya feel me?”

“It aint my fault.”

“Yo he do gotta big ass house tho I aint gone lie but like shit aint got nothin in it.”

“I just moved here a week ago.”

“So for a whole week- Yo is today Friday?”

“Yeah its Friday.” Who cares? I thought.

“So that’s last Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and now Friday, and you still aint got nothin in here but a fridge.”

“You aint even seen the whole house.”

“Nah you know you just in the middle of the carpet with no pillow no blankets or nothin.

And you wake up and go open the fridge and aint nothin in it. Then you go back to sleep.”

“Ay what he dream about?” Jerry said through the phone.

He aint dream about much ‘cept for one occurring dream. Of a fridge, but this time it’s a mini fridge. And its pink and he’s able to move it around, so he takes it up to his room and opens the freezer door just a little so it’s a little crack and he starts beatin it up till he has a wet dream and wakes up.”

“Alright you took it too far. It was kinda funny before but you killed it.”

“Wait, Where’s the fridge now? It’s not in the kitchen?” Jerry said.

“Bruh that’s the thing its just in the middle of the living room not even plugged in or nothin.”

“Jerry I know you so concerned about my god damn fridge but this time dude is lying over here.”

haha

“It’s in my kitchen like a normal person. Like I don’t know I guess you think this shit is funny or something but whatever come through and you can see for yourself.” Don’t talk to him he’s a loser was the attitude I was picking up. I thought they we’re beyond all that and capable of extraneous thought. Oh well, I guess I’m done with these idiots.

No more sitting around all day.

If I can see them for who I want, and not who they really are, it’d make no difference.

It’s a best of both worlds type situation. I just hate that I have to resort to this.

Its a sporadic and unpredictable endeavor that can detach you from life’s depiction. Seemingly framing a purpose in cosmetics among layer-caked mine field of mind clouds. I want to be a positive addition to those around me. And for them to be honest to me in return. Honest because everything around me is a nuisance. And dishonest It’s not necessary to have car insurance, police, governments. This realm is alive. 3 dimensions respective of splashes and 3rd parties. Because of this fact, I must be able to flow freely, grounded in freedom, estranged to control. Last summer when I jumped into the alleghany i felt freer than i have in a long ass time. Jerry asked me if he thought we’d still be here next year. I told him I didn’t want to think about it. That I was enjoying the moment.

“Man fuck that bitch.” T

“What? Who you callin’ a bitch?” J

“You know what I mean.” Thomas smacked his lips.

“I really don’t but whatever.” J

“Yo Jerry did you leave yet?”

“How far away is it? Not too bad right?”

“Nah it’s not too bad you’re like 30 minutes away. You’re in a nice area. Lots of rich people.” J

“Yeah I came up on it. It kinda just happened.”

“Whatchu mean it fell out of the sky?” Jerry asked.

“It’s been in my family for a while and I was lucky enough to be gifted it.” I said.

“That’s dope, you’ll get some good use out of it.”

“Yeah I’ma take advantage of what I got ya know? Make it so anyone can pull up as long as I fuck with them.” I said.

“Thats why I’m comin’ through.

Just say its the spot and I’m there.”

“For sure. But yo, if youre bringing your girl over then bring some pillows and blankets to sleep on cus I only got mine.”

“I need some too.” Thomas joined in.”

“We’ll stop then.” I said reluctantly.

“

“And where are we gonna chill? We can’t just sit on the floor.” Thomas took his eyes off the road.

“Alright, theres a home depot near the chinese place we’ll go their while we wait.” I said.

“Does Home Depot have blankets?” Thomas said like he was so concerned.

“No but they got that outdoor patio section for furniture and shit, So I don’t know we’ll find something.”

“They got mad carhartt jackets for the low low there. You should check them out.”

“Alright I’ll check them out.” The streetlights suspended time in space.

“Yo spicy egg rolls, add it to the list.” Jerry said finally.

“Sounds good.” Thomas replied. There was a pause.

“You headin’ out?” T

“Yeah. I am. Right now.” Jerry responded.

“A’ight I’ll see you when I see you.” T

I interrupted.

“I was gonna get spring rolls instead and we don’t want too many rolls so you want dumplings instead?” The thought popped into my head and I had to get it out.

“I dont really care either way” Jerry said.

“So yes on the dumplings? Pork, Chicken or beef?” I said.

“Dude I really dont give a fuck.”

“A’ight peace.”

“Wait actually get some extra spring rolls. I don’t want my breath to stink.” Jerry was a quick thinker.

“Okay. Peace.”

I ordered the chinese while Thomas turned the radio down.

It was 7:30 on a Friday. Traffic was still out and slow except on the highway. The plaza where Home Depot was sat on an indent so that a perimeter around us denied the sun a chance of bringing light to the inevitable darkness. Highway barricades exalted the east coast away from our position. I closed my eyes and listened to newly formed divinations stemming from a horizontal after-glow. What was AM was now PM. And just as I would prepare for a weekend of contract work, I too was going to do the same for the night. Because Friday was in the air, telling me I was the cause of it.

Thomas pulled into the lot and flicked his cigarette a stop-sign to an array of F150s and pug-faced express vans that sat high enough to deem his reliable, good on gas mileage, crusty seated hand-me-down first-car shit-box a worthy proponent of wu-wei. It was the type of car that doesn’t speak for anything or reflect an image onto its owner other than its being there.

At least this one had a little personality though, fashioned by who was behind the wheel, and the fact that I knew him through drive-ways of careless faces, drive-thrus, and drunken waffle house binges where we kept to ourselves and almost forgot it wouldn’t last. And even though the universe proved its worth to me, I cant help but feel theres in imbalance in my past.

That these were just moments. And days would go by. Blunts would get passed. Pets would die. We’d hope to not hear of our relatives dying, but that would happen to. Cause of death? Old age. It wouldn’t say that on the obituary. It was say something safe like stage 4 cancer or hodgekins lymphona. But everyone knows about the cap put on as at birth. That there’s a limit to how long we get to stay here. Sometimes we’d hear of our friends dying too. But those were rare cases. Few and far between. Unless of course you were the type of kid to attract that sort of stuff. Then you probably deserved it anyway. That pain. Irregardless of the pain it takes to die. You imagine how it must have felt in the body of your friend. Like they we’re on the otherside begging you to come with them. I’m free. They’d say. It only hurts a little. And unlike the old people, their obituary would read suicide. Basically an off-hand way of saying they needed jesus. Because in the end, nobody truly knows what would drive someone to do that to themselves. We can speculate all we want. They we’re bipolar. They wore funny clothes to school and we’re bullied as a result. But only someone with special access could consult them on that. To ask them why they denied life and chose death instead. Only someone who could be objective about the whole thing and not get caught up in their emotions could ask them this. In America that’s Jesus, God of funeral homes, shepherd of lost souls. The frustrating part, at least to me, is that all he can come up with is it was Satan’s fault. But that doesn’t do it for me. No. I need more than that. After all, Jesus, you faked your own death and ran away to the pyrynees. Did you not? You we’re too afraid to commit suicide. You half-assed your commitment. Maybe you knew what awaited you resembled a sleepless dream? Certainly you knew another part of you was fit for ascension. But then wouldn’t be the center of attention like you we’re on earth. You’d be around people who knew a light language and we’re just as smart as you, if not smarter. The applied principles of the sun was common knowledge there. That was like basic shit. Nobody was looking for preachers there. What they we’re looking for was way more advanced than your little yoga techniques. Stop hiding and tell us what’s really going on out here. Something tells me it has something to do with Satan, just not in the way you’re telling us. I have a feeling he holds the keys to a piece of knowledge we never even knew existed. If that’s the case, and I find out we’ve been duped, then I might just take it upon myself and offer you the same fate you offered my friend when he was down bad on that fateful Spring night mad at the world and pissed off at the hypocrisy you created for him. But this time when I get to you I’ll make sure you won’t be down bad. There will be nothing to numb the pain. No. You’re gonna feel this. Then things will come full circle. Order. I like when things happen that way.

“Yo I need paint. “

“ Paint?”

“I just remembered. For the walls.” I said in a descending volume.

We walked through the doors in the purgatory between store and street. I grabbed a cart.

“Is that what we’re gonna do for fun? Man I might regret this whole night if we end up hanging dry-wall and shit.”

“I hear you bro but we can play poker, I got a speaker so we can bump some music, and we’ll just kick it.”

Thomas strayed passed the check-out lines and almost ran into a stack of wood hanging from a guy’s trolley.

“Where are you going?” I said.

“Where’s the paint?” He said turning around.

We looked like we should be in the city rather than the hardware store. Everyone was looking and I know I’m not paranoid when I say that. We we’re foreigners visiting a small scale metropolis under construction. A place for bandits to face their acrophobia and not make it across to the next tower without getting grime on their gats ort hope they liked our style.

"They got krylons?" I said. The aisle opened up where the rafters stretched through the ceiling leaving ground level two by fours in their dust. If I focused I could hear an echo reverberate off my skull, taking its merry time and judging me before I could hold my breath. “We used to be so into this.” Thomas said.

“I don’t know why we stopped.” I said. He took it as a valid question.

“We got older I guess. Fuck.”

“Remember the overpass on Holcomb Bridge? I wonder if our shits still there.”

“We need to go back there.”

Gum soles in an unfinished basement. This was the most people I’ve ever seen. a’ve ever seen. The fire marshall could’ve came knocking any moment. Though I don’t think anybody would hear him. Lil Pump was 3 doors down. To the fire marshall, is that everyone was moving as one. To the fire marshal, this could be a good or bad thing in the lens of a fire marshall. Good because if someone started popping shots off with an uzi or something and everyone tried to run out the house through the basement side-door, the main one through the hall at the back by the bathroom, or if they went up stairs and found the wrong door and had to jump off the balcony or something, if shit really started to pop off like this, of shit really hit the fan, then it’d be good to have 1 body instead of a hundred. There we’re straddlers of course, but all they’d have to do is hide in its belly folds and hope to not get lost while the body was hauling ass down the street resorting to the dreaded question, “Can I get a ride?” And simply put it’d be bad because human flesh burns quite well when laced with alcohol. That was a risk we were willing to take and that brought us that much closer together.

When I came in with Katie I noticed the crystalline qualities of blonde hair captivated the vibe and were on display in the trim lining. When you looked across it was like some secret edition of the yearbook where everyone didn’t have to pretend they liked each other.

Only this time there were no profiles, only shadows. And instead of signatures there were tattoos on skin that said things like “im too good for you” and “the sky is watching.”

What collected at the corners were pushed outside to observe that ways a part equidistant to the cups on the table to the enthusiasm among them. This was inside. Everyone needed to make sense and not be meta. You couldn’t point out how we were all here by chance like Tommy did, “xxxxxxx” What an idiot. You couldn’t speculate as to why Rhea spent the whole month showing out for sympathy on twitter and crying at school over her breakup with Nick but is now falling on top of him, grabbing his arm and shit and Nick’s just going with it like he doesn’t care his best friend got sucked off by yours truly in front of everyone at last weeks party and he was there and she was there and it was all fine like nothing happened. “Well Nick got with Mercedes, and her and Rhea ignore each other now. It’s really awkward.” Despite the fakeness, there was an heir of trust unlike any ive ever seen here unlike back at school where we’d be leaning into our cheeks thinking about how to score more brownie points with the cliques we were in.

At least that’s what others were thinking about. The teacher’d be talking about solving for y for the millionth time, you know, moving things around by reverse operations to make sure they maintained the same relationship with one another. I never had to study because when it came time to test it’d be like the answers’d just come to me and I’d end up acing the damn thing. I became known as a smart person who didn’t care so everything canceled out and I was able to stay neutral and move between the punks to get drugs, the nerds to get power, and the popular kids to get access to parties like the one I was at now. I know this all sounds vain, but I guess that’s how it works when you’re a teenager still trying to find yourself when everyone else was doing the same but would rather die then admit it. Now that I look back I realize the whole thing was meaningless. There was no substance, no fulfillment. High School was mostly waiting with small pockets of being thrust into the limelight. Just a series of empty promises leading nowhere. You could of met your better half completely in the midst of knowing each other at a soul level but all indications were that it wouldn’t last so you made excuses and broke it off before it was too late so that your future could be at least bearable when you we’re laying in your cheeks mad at the world wondering why you were the only thing you could think about. You could rest your heart on your decision. The sex flashbacks at the most random times like talking to your grandma or waiting in line at the grocery store didn’t matter anymore. You could put it all on that. Your decision.

“Daniel, I’m so glad you could make it.”

“Likewise Sharlene, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Oh how sweet of you to say that to me.”

“Wait, why are you guys being so formal?” Katie said like she overheard.

“We should stop.” Sharlene said. Daniel was taller than all of them.

“How was your day?” His eyes got bigger. Crazy.

“Did you have a good day?” Leaning forward with his back against the counter.

“I did have a good day.” Sharlene said. “Did you?” She put her hand up and when she realized this she snapped them across her face and into his.

“Mr. Sassy?”

“Mr. Sassy!” Some dude in a hat with lettuce coming out said.

These we’re the types of exchanges that went on inside. Loud but cold. All in the vain of attention seeking like some sort of competition or test of brilliance. Only that this time unlike in normal society, where everyone’s trying to get their point across as clear and concise as possible because focus is king over style, this time brilliance was a stage of show. And whoever could hold onto it the longest was most certainly king or queen and surely the apple of their eye. Their being the cult that was the inside.

The 5 of us ended up by an air conditioning unit. We were staring at the moon thinking about what do next because we were already exhausted. Not because we weren’t faded enough. It was quite the opposite. There was too much judgment. And that was as bad of a high you could get when you were on the other end of it. We were over it. We were desperately passing a blunt I’d been eager to light since I rolled it in the car.

“I needed this.” Jerry said.

“Yeah? Me too.” I looked at Katie. She’s the one I rolled it with earlier in the day when 4 different people we’re blowing up my phone asking if I was coming and telling me who I could bring or not.

“I don’t know it’s just like the vibe or something. Like something’s off.” Tom said.

Katie was mostly quiet and sipping the blunt with her cute little hands and was gravitating towards Miranda in a nonverbal display of boredom.

“We don’t need to talk about it.” Jerry said.

“We really don’t.” I agreed.

“Talk about what?” I’m just saying.” Thomas said after a pause.

“Yeah I know but I’m not about to go behind their backs and gossip like we’re not fuckin’ with it thats cool we can do our own shit.”

“So what are we gonna do?”

“Is there anything close?”

“You tryna go to waffle house?”

Katie and Miranda laughed. First Katie snorted then Miranda bent over and held her knees.

“What are y’all tryna do?”

“Uhh can we just get out of here?” Katie said towards the street.

“Yeah. Let’s walk.” I said.

You left your memories with me.

So you could live without you.

You left your past in the dark, and

it was something you did for the hell of it because life

was too easy for you.

"What's wrong?" I said.

"Leave with me." You said.

"Is something bothering you?" I said.

"No." You were always in the dark.

"Where?"

"I don't know. Anywhere but here."

"I can't tell if you're being serious." You threw a rock

down the train tracks, and pointed where I was looking.

"That way's North to Chattanooga." You turned around.

I leaned to the side as if I was peeking down a narrow

hallway.

"South to Miami. Hmm. It depends." You said rubbing your chin.

"It depends on you finding a girlfriend so you can get back to reality is what it depends on." I said.

I dont think a single car

drove by since we got here. Moving trucks could be seen on the overpass where the crossing signals were, but were inaudible. The only thing audible was the large-scale kithen across the street which would hiss occasionally over its constant hum. It also had steam coming out of it. We walked towards the red-light on stones half the size of our trainers and went to balancing on the rail half to avoid twisting our ankles and half to ammuse ourselves.

"I was gonna say it depends on what's better, a good ol' country bitch who'll cook you catfish till you cant eat no more, or a bad spanish mommy who may or may not be there for you when you really need it."

"Oh, si senorita Hot like tamales. Muy bueno.

Como te amos rapido rapido mucho Miami me gusto."

"Bro we're hopping trains not borders

you fucking wetback."

"Whoa, hold up ese, you're hopping trains, not me.

Besides, we'll be hopping on a lot more than trains

if we keep this up." I said.

"Trains not borders, puto."

"Man watch your mouth."

"Here comes one now."

ijijiijjiiji

We hid in the bushes. It seemed like the right thing to do.

Me fist then the girls and Jerry while Thomas was last in..

"We should of put a coin on their,:

*End graveyard party and go into chapter about family* BONES laden arrows

----

Just say its the spot and I’m there.

“Jerry just texted me.” I said to Thomas.

“What’d he say?”

“He’s bringing Erica.”

“Why was it even a question?” Thomas said. He was flipping his head back and forth at me. Zig-zagging from hinges to nails to glue guns and floor tiles, biding his time, sulking like i was gonna feel sorry for him.

“I don’t know man. I’m sure it had something to do with his roommates not being out.” I said.

“Well if his initial reaction was him being scared then what that tell you about what he think of us?”

“Nah. You’re thinking too far into it. He’s tryna get her to let him hit.”

So much was out of context. There was disharmony. I continued.

“Maybe there’s something about two dudes without girlfriends that isn’t exactly the most potent

“

Smoke stacks comply and hesitate partaking in sport. Indulging in an aptitude that continues to see how it feels when you say such simple words as “hello, and, thats cool.” That continues to touch a nonverbal membrane when you move in such a way that broke the color barrier between black and white. So I’ll appreciate you like all the others do. Because I, completely and utterly, should know to carry you with me into infinity. And I should know, for a fact, that distance is dependant on its terminal velocity at the moment of impact. Gorgeous you are when tulips gather around cow pastures only to wither away upon the changing of the guard. Tip toes, necromancy, ice skates, all these make sense to me now, that ever since the day of my christening, good beings struck witherto my intelligence and rendered them useless. These knots, the qualities of which we’re twisted, utterly finagled to a degree that crystallized under pressure. I feel like I was born so I could come into people’s live when they needed someone to blame their problems on. That’s why I always get those stupid looks. Sometimes I just wanna ask them like “what the fuck are you on?” I guess all those diamonds couldnt teleport you out of here huh? Too bad. I ain’t judgin’.

knotted in purpose.

Oh how I looked on in brevity the callus threads that stretched for miles upon miles into causeways of blindness which overtook me in haste. Very painstaken I was in the trials before then. But now I see the reason for them. For nothing could have felt better than to be relieved of all that built up stress which churned and churned until a mechanism of ventricles let go in common translation. Like ruminating gats and dust swipers caged so discreetly so as to fixate on unto sizzling barge-heads. Almost as if silly esquires of desperately manifold doldrums exist solely to highlight the difference of deceit and merry. the difference of you, a you, and I, an I.

“Man I need blankets.” Thomas said.

“Pillows too.” I said tracing the outer perimeter of Home Depot.

Them Carharrts nice too. Our eyes met at the rack.

“I bet you could fit a gun inside this.” Thomas said feeling the durability of a canvas hoodie in brown.

“No I don’t have a gun.”

“You should get one.”

“They got em here?”

We fell out of the portal.

____________

Vicious bar flies and scarcities falsify the other-half.

“It is settled” said Chief Wallitzer

“Then buy more plankton from the Chief” A creature said. Decrepit. Monsteral. Lectivicious. The creature continued.

“And as soon as I stray a lochness is when the fortifications manifest wholly and without contempt.” I must ignore him.

“What am I to do?” I said on the levy.

“Take a boat from the garter over thine gully there.” Said the Chief.

And I summoned a boat from his power.

“I’m crossing.” I said under my breathe. I said aloud.

“Bless you Chief! Aye. May good fortune amass in your possession!” Because realization finally hit me, that I was to join my comrades in battle, once and for all.

“Aye, and to not flee as well.” This was the last I ever heard of the Chief.

--------

Today I’m going to buy a car.

Anxiety is a MK Ultra Mind Control Tactic (designed to keep humans subordinate to the matrix) ((which is ran by the 10%))

(((who answer to archonic entities from the 4th dimension)))

Logical reasoning is when an internal problem is identified as separate from the self so that it may not be subject to the whims of ego, which is fleeting and irregular, and stems from an evolutionary need for man to keep desiring more and more mates to reproduce offspring with so that his tribe grows strong in number as opposed to getting complacent with having one or few mates, retiring from the world, and letting him and/or his offspring die without a big enough tribe to defend them from bigger tribes with more man-power. Humans have advanced beyond the need to reproduce. In fact, Over-population is an existential threat to the continuation of humans on Earth. Because of this there should be no desire to reproduce. However, there is still a desire to reproduce. This is because the consequences of over-population like famine, disease, and global warming have yet to be internalized by most humans. Once it does, there will be no desire to reproduce, and all remaining sub-strata will go too. These remaining sub-strata include love, greed, and status all begotten from the main desire of humans, which is to reproduce. The reason that is

The main desire of humans is that humans want to survive. If humans didn’t want to survive they’d be dead. If humans we’re dead they wouldn’t be living. And if humans weren’t living they wouldn’t exist. Additionally, If humans didn’t exist they’d be nothing. And If humans were nothing they wouldn’t be something. Finally, if humans wouldn’t be something, as in, they we’re in a state of denial towards the very notion of being something

with the very notion of that word and all the associations it comes with,

Finally, if humans wouldn’t be something, as in, they we’re in a state of denial towards being something,

knowing full-well the associations it comes with, then humans would be refusing their ego, which is fleeting and irregular.

Once this desire (to reproduce) is gone, then allser forms of this desire like

and not get his needs are met

be processed in an objective manner, and not subject to whims of ego

solutions can be formulated in an objective context, and the solutions necessary to overcoming that problem, may not be weighed against emotion, which is fleeting and irregular.

and it’s existential

consequences, both good and bad, can be weighed objectively against

solutions that are based in reality

The distinction between needs and desires is a matter of time. Needs are immediate. Desires are built up over time.

The distinction between needs and desires is, in fact, only a matter of time

Anxiety needs to be alleviated when there’s not enough time, but it should anxiety will be alleviated because their is time. .

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Anxiety is when an internal problem needs to be alleviated. Its just that the actions required to alleviate said problem seem far off and distant. So much that you begin doubting your abilities as a measly human and turn to a god instead. When this god doesnt fix your problems your anxiety is compounded heavily. Because you have one more problem than you started with. If you couldnt hold a candle to your first problem, being as their solutions were so far out and demanded too much in a short amount of time, then now you got a doozy on your hands. All we can ask for is perfection, and hope we come up short.

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//All God can ask for is perfection. That’s why he doesn’t relate to us.// If you had a bag that led to another bag you wouldn’t keep the first bag cus it’d already be in the second one. These are the ancestors working behind the scenes.

then what makes you think

Our teachers taught us proper sentence structure in the third grade. A subject followed by a predicate. The subject is invoked and the predicate carries the burden like a hag witch carries it and thus justifying the subject so that it is not floating in space, susceptible to being bothered by minds whose job it is to question things that float in space for no other reason other than to not have a purpose, and stand as a monument against all these grammar nazis stand for. So viciously chaotic, free in its lightness, completely unencumbered by menial contrivances of formality, it seems, are these subjects without predicates stand unapologetically in the vast concourses of space as monuments against all they stand for. The problem is that words can only do so much when describing a subject. Whether it is a noun or pronoun, abstract or not, a person, place, thing, or idea, it could even be an interjection, the problem is words can only do so much for describing the essence of a thing, the unseen force which discerns certain vibrations as unalike from one another and neatly packages them into a frequency at which the brain can perceive.

certain things as unalike from one another and neatly packages them into a frequency that vibrates at a rate at which the human brain can process through its hypothalamus and perceive them as things in the 3rd dimension.

apart from the rest is limitless when not bound by words, which can only be deduced as a lesser form of magic.

Thomas and I see the same things. Ever since our childhoods we were never separated. And even if we we’re, or it appeared as if we we’re, we always had the same eyes. Not just the same view, but the same eyes. I don’t mean that these eyes were like detachable lenses, that could be passed around to and fro like a can on a string, I mean that we’ve had the same experiences, just in different forms. And if we ever shared a difference of opinion, which happened a lot, like with this Erica thing, I never had to worry about things getting heated. Because no matter what, I could always fall back on us letting things calm down for a while, alone in our rooms leaning into our cheeks trying not to think about it. until both of us realized we were coming.from the same place, and that where, and to what degree we took it to, was ultimately meaningless.

I must be going now. It’s getting late. What time is it? 2:30? Jesus. Fuck. That’s later than I thought. Already? Oh well. It’s not like I can do anything about it. Anyway. What I wanna talk about is how fucked up you look to me, and I don’t know if you see that. I mean, if you can see what I see. Dread, angst, all of mine and your miseries seem to have burdened you. I want you to know that I’m here. I’m a man. I can fix my own problems. Really. I can. I may not look it but I’m grown. You don’t have to worry about them. Here, look at this picture I took last year. It’s of you and me. Don’t we look so happy? Happy. Is that the right word? Or maybe we’re crumbing for our last breathe of smile in us. Fuck. I’m beginning to think that’s true the more and more I think about it. Because you we’re never happy. Neither was I. But that wasn’t the goal for us like it is for so many others. No. We just wanted to get by. And that’s all we could ever ask for.

--jgcjgcjgcjgcgjc

I wanted to keep this sacred so it’d come across a more genuine when the right person came across it. but now the urge is too strong and the resonance too concentrated for me to dismiss the trailblazing force of circular momentum. And its nice out too. The grass is still damp from yesterday’s rain but not so you couldn’t lie in it. That’s what I did today. That along with thinking. Moving on. I won’t talk about personal experience in this article. The truth is I’m not important. What matters is my guidance. So from now on take my “I’s” as placeholders for something greater. Make it what you want. A parakeet, a landing pad, veganism, law and order, anything. It could even be the universe itself with you and me included. Whatever it is just don’t miss the point that follows this inconspicuous “i” because there is no truth, only different paths to getting there.

The truth is I haven’t been out the house in a few years. Sure there were gaps in between like parties here and there. But even then I was inside myself, leaving people to wonder if I was as social as I looked. Sometimes I was normal, others I was a wallflower. Only rarely did I meet their expectations and become the center of attention. I still remember those moments because I’m preparing for the next time it happens so I can maintain a sense of self better so that I can let it go and channel what comes out of me more freely. Some call this going into the world. I call it getting out the house. Leaving the nest. All those times i was still at home within myself. I never left my shell. There’s no point when that shell is filled with angels.

Language can be tricky. It can be used for yin and yang. It can be used for contuation or stagnation when concerning the path of self and how one wants to judge said self through language so that it may have something ethereal to manifest from. Before I continue I must say that there is a self because any indication of there not being a self relies on the suppusition there there is a self. Perception plays a role too, as in, agreeing or not to accept the definitions of the words you lay on yourself as true or not. The pessimist sees the world as signs and symbols and interprets stimuli af a higher level then the optimist, who is often naieve to the hidden world where everything comes from. This is why pessimists are often dualists. To the optimist it appears they are one-sided because they take them at face-value. Again, they are unable to see the hidden world where everything comes from. Those who fly under the radar appear that way because they are in direct contact with this world so as to filter their thoughts before speaking them. This world is a place pessimists visit often within themselves and rarely show out of. They show out only in dire situations, and that makes their actions that much stronger because they have kept sacred the hidden world where everything comes from so that it is pure and cutting-edge when it comes time to release it upon the known world. Like an endless stream does their wrath come out of them because they’ve been holding it in so long.

Anytime you insert the I into a situation is when a princible of measurement can be applied to you as infinite potential to fail or succeed relative to the third party as the perfect amount of what you needed to be faced with.

with chakra wheels that exist so we can find ourselves in a better light.

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